#some reviews talked about the focus on sex as a bad thing but i interpreted it as bella wanting sex and liking sex but being forced to live | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

youamongthemelissas · 3 years

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hi mwah <3

may i have a scenario with zoro being a brat who doesn't want to go down on his girl, but she just puts in his place by sitting on his face? 👀

ara ara, it seems that the fifteen hours I've been sleeping have made me reap the rewards uwu

well, I really hope you like the result and that those 3,3k words make up for the delay in my writer's block. i've only reviewed it a few times because i'm really really sleepy right now, so I apologize in advance for any mistakes! :(

warning: oral sex (giving and receiving), fingering, face sitting, etc. only for +18. smut everywhere

Zoro and I had known each other for almost two years, but he changed his position from hookup to boyfriend two months ago. Our chaotic relationship started at a horrible party. Everything that night was horrible, except when the handsome guy approached me offering his help when some ramshackle human being spilled water on my shirt. To complete my disaster, the outfit I wore was white and cotton, so it marked the contours of my breasts just right. Damn day I decided to leave my house without wearing a bra. Too embarrassed, I just crawled into the bathroom – which didn't even have a lock – and waited for the crowd to dwindle or for my shirt to dry so I could get out of that unhealthy place. But fate didn't have the best plans for me, as I saw the bathroom door open and a man enter that cubicle.

"This is the ladies' wc, you know?" I informed the guy angrily.

“I know,” he replied simply. "I saw the whole scene, so I decided to come make sure you're okay."

I arched my brow and stared at him with half-closed eyes. Was he feeling okay? I looked for signs of drunkenness in him, but his voice was steady and he looked too sober.

“Very nice of you, but you can't just lock yourself together with a strange woman in a cubicle. You know, I can interpret this as sexual harassment!” I snapped.

“Oh, fine. I was going to lend you my shirt so you could wear it and wouldn’t have to wait for yours to dry, but I see you don't need my help. Bye and sorry for the inconvenience,” and so he left, not giving me a chance to respond.

I cursed the Universe, but then I stopped myself because a tarot reader had informed me that a situation like this could happen throughout the week and I didn't listen. In the end, it was my fault for being a stubborn and skeptical one.

I really couldn't tell how long I was locked in that fetid cubicle, but when my t-shirt dried enough not to leave me practically naked from the waist up, I walked out and saw the same guy as before, he was talking to a red haired girl, actually it looked more like an argument was going on between them by his annoyed expression and her restless gestures. Would she be his girlfriend? Was the discussion focused on me and the bathroom incident? Well, I wouldn't stay there to find out and risk getting hit by the girl for something that wasn't my fault. He was the one who entered the ladies' room with an unknown woman!

And my disastrous night ended when I lay in my bed and turned off the light to finally sleep and erase all memories of the party from my head. But that boy's face has not left my mind.

The days followed normally, and when I was already forgetting the cool guy, I saw him for the second time in a bakery. He wore the same shirt that day of the party and sweatpants. His sleepy face gave away that he had just woken up and had just left the house to go buy bread for breakfast. He saw me but pretended not to. I got the feeling I should have apologized for the misunderstanding, but he was already making the request. Luckily, we were assisted together as soon a second attendant appeared who assisted me as well.

As soon as we paid the bill, we silently left the place and I got a chance to talk to him as we were heading in the same direction.

“Hey,” I called him, being ignored. "Boy, wait a minute"

“What is it, girl?”, he snapped at me sharply.

“I wanted to apologize for the misunderstanding… Seriously, I was just freaked out by a guy walking me into the bathroom…”, I was sincere.

"It's all right. Go on with your life in peace.”

“And you had a girlfriend, right? Like, you were still wrong in the end…” I couldn't hold my mouth before needling him.

This time he stopped abruptly and turned to me, making me smack my face into his chest.

"Girlfriend? First you accuse me of sexual harassment and now besides being a harasser you think I'm a traitor?”

“I didn't accuse you of anything! Except the girlfriend part. You and that red haired girl seemed to be fighting really bad, like boyfriends do,” I clarified.

“Redhead girl?” he seemed to search his memory for what I was referring to. “Nami? God forbid me dating that devil woman! She's not my girlfriend, and we were fighting because…”, he stopped mid-explanation. “This is none of your business, girl. But she's not my girlfriend,” he ended the pseudo-argument.

I nodded and went on my way.

“How long will you follow me? Now I can interpret that you're a deranged stalker”, he told me right after we turned down the same street, after walking close for a few meters.

“I'm not following you, my house is on this way”, I replied.

And that's how I found out that we lived in the same condominium.

Although I clearly remember the first two times we met, I can't say when exactly we started to change our cat-and-mouse relationship and elevate it to a more intimate one. Maybe it was when he fucked me for the first time in the laundry room in the building. I was taking my clothes out of the machine while he put his clothes in another one, and then we looked at each other and as if we had the same idea, he grabbed me around the waist and lifted me up to put me sitting on top of the machine he had just finished stuffing with his own clothes, putting it to work and taking me in a kiss while taking off my panties. When he entered me, I moaned loudly, but the sound was drowned out by the shrill noise of that old machine. Zoro confessed to me later that he chose precisely that one so my moans could not be heard. I think it was the most insane thing I did, because at any moment someone could come and catch us, but luckily for us that only happened after Zoro had cum on my thighs and taken me off that old thing. It was weird walking with my legs sticking together because of his cum, but I didn't have time to clean up, just lift my panties and straighten my skirt before passing the newcomer, who didn't seem to have noticed our presence.

After our first sex, we didn't get apart anymore. We couldn't be alone as we caught fire and had sex wherever we were.

As time went by, we calmed down and our meetings became more spaced, but our chemistry didn't extinguish even a little bit during these almost two years, on the contrary, it only earned us the beginning of dating. And we became more than just hookups, we became friends too, those who know about each other's lives and I got to know Nami, the red-haired friend he was fighting that night at the party. I came to discover that they could never be boyfriends, because she loved money and women.

Everything with Zoro was almost perfect. He was a good boyfriend, and even though we're two hotheads, we never fought. There are always dialogues in our relationship and this helps a lot to avoid unnecessary fights. Besides, sex is wonderful, everything just right, except for one small thing that bothers me. We combine a lot in bed, I always try to please him and give him pleasure at all times. I've lost count of how many blowjobs I gave him and how many times I let him cum in my mouth, but the problem is that he never even gave me oral sex. And that makes me a little frustrated and scared. Was the problem with me? I took good care of myself, but he always shifted position when I tried to get him down on me.

One day, while I watched him playing his favorite game, I stroked his hair.

“Babe?”, I called him.

“Hm?” he mutters, not moving an inch.

“Do I disgust you?” I asked bluntly.

"What? Where did you get this ideia?”, he turns abruptly to face me, doing something wrong in the game because soon there are some curses directed at him in the chat.

“It's just a question.” I shrugged.

“It can't be just a question. For you to ask me that, there's definitely a reason behind it,” he replied, no longer looking at the TV screen, and not realizing that he was being offended by the other players. Damn virgins.

“Nevermind…”, I hesitated, unable to let myself be affected by the comments, which weren't even for me. "Your game friends are very angry with you."

"Fuck them, the issue here is you.", he held my face with both hands, making me look at him. “Tell me what made you think about it,” he looks deep into my eyes, almost reading my soul and I immediately regret opening my mouth. But it was too late, lying was out of the question, because he knows very well when I lie, so I had no choice but to tell the truth.

“You never gave me an oral. So I deduced that the problem is with me”, I said at last and he let me go.

It was his turn to shift the focus to another corner.

“It's nothing to you, it's me who is the problem. I've never done that to any women, and in the movies I see them “squirt”, what if that happens?” He looked a little frustrated and embarrassed.

I got up from my seat and stopped standing in front of him, making him glare at me.

“You have to stop thinking real life is a big porn movie, Roronoa,” I said, putting my index finger on his forehead. “I really admire you knowing how to fuck without looking like a caveman”, I said that last sentence more to myself.

“Hey!” he heard and seemed offended. "It hurts, okay?"

“Sorry, but that is nothing but the truth”, I rolled my eyes.

Even though he didn't suck me when we had sex later, the seed of doubt was already planted in his head.

I know this, because days later he was more committed to making me cum. Before he seemed to care only about his pleasure, but after our conversation, he even put his fingers to work on my clit – which were presented by me –, as he moved in and out of me, until I came on his fingers. It felt good, but I wanted to feel his tongue down there, and wanted to see his head between my legs. I wanted so badly to squirm in pleasure beneath him as he sucked everything I had to offer him.

When the dream day finally arrived, all my thoughts turned opaque as I felt him hug me from behind and lean his body against mine as his lips found the skin of my neck.

“Do you know how hot you look wearing my shirt?” he asked huskily, pressing me closer to his body, making my ass fit into his crotch. And I already felt it was hard. "Even more so I know you're not wearing anything under it."

I couldn't hold back the moan as I felt his fingers travel up my waist until they reached my breasts under the fabric. He squeezed it first and then circled the nipple with his finger, making it hard. He knew how sensitive I was in that area. And to my delight, he lowered his other hand to between my legs, and slid it to find my sex, which was already starting to get wet.

When I was in his apartment, I liked to have just one piece of clothing. Walking around his house half-naked was one of the most satisfying things for me, because I knew that anytime we were going to get laid and being too undressed would get in the way of the process. So I opted to wear just a pair of panties or a T-shirt with nothing underneath, as was the case now.

He removed his hand from my body and pulled me away, but only to pick me up and take me to his bed, where he laid me down and leaned over me and started kissing me.

His kiss tasted like the whiskey he drank a few minutes ago. I ran my hands over his body and scratched him lightly on his back, inside his shirt. He ended the kiss and rolled off of me, but only to undress. I watched the scene intently, looking at each piece of skin that was revealed to me little by little. When he took off his underwear and his cock popped out, I felt my mouth water. He was there in front of me, completely naked.

I got rid of his t-shirt I was wearing and crawled until I was close to his body, took his hard member in my hands and started masturbating before putting it in my mouth. Unconsciously, I reared my hips up, and ran my tongue over the glans, tasting the pre-cum. Without waiting, I felt him lean over to smack my ass, and it made his cock almost hit my throat, making me gasp. I pulled it out of my mouth, gasping for air, but went back to sucking on it. When I relaxed, I put him in one piece and this time I got used to that intruder so deep, and I heard him grunt. He loved when I swallowed him like that, but before I could make him cum, he gently withdrew from my mouth and lay down on the bed, turning me to stand beside him.

He kissed me again and wrapped his hands around my waist and slid them to my ass, where he slapped my ass, making me moan into his mouth.

We made out until he was on top of me, making me feel his hard cock on my thigh as he kissed my neck and played with my nipples.

I was already throbbing with lust, and it got worse when he slid his fingers to my clit and touched his fingertip to that sensitive spot, making me arch into him. But he did nothing but tease me, and I wanted him to use his tongue this time to bring me to orgasm. For that reason, I forced his head down and he got the message, surprisingly trailing kisses down my body, but before he got there he stopped and returned the kisses to where they were before, leaving me frustrated.

I sighed in annoyance, and shifted our positions, getting on top of him. I positioned myself right on top of his cock, and I fit my pussy there, not to slide him inside, but to rub myself there. He liked my boldness a lot, but I abruptly left the place until I was positioned right in his mouth. I felt him startle under me, but it was too late because I was already sitting pretty well in his face, with my cunt snug in the place where I always wished it was. He showed no resistance, just ran the tip of his tongue over my clit and I closed my eyes, sighing.

At first, he was stuck and a little lost, but little by little he got used to it and now his whole tongue passed through my intimacy, sometimes sucking painfully. It was good for me and it was good for him too, because I felt him grip my thighs tightly, holding me in place as he penetrated me with his tongue. I saw stars. When he smeared the entire place and when my body showed signs of the first orgasm, nimbly and using a little force he took me off him and put me back on the bed, with my back to the mattress. I thought he had given up, but he again slid down my body and positioned himself between my legs, giving me that wonderful sight. Again he pressed his tongue against my clit.

Seeing him there, with his head buried in the place I'd always dreamed of, made a fire burn in my stomach, and my brain worked tirelessly on the new sensations his mouth was gaving me me.

And he looked very committed and thirsty. He was like someone who had gone days without even a drop of liquid and who had just found an inexhaustible source of pure water. And I was that source. And just the thought of having him thirsty for me was enough to give my boner more ammo and make my hips start working nimbly, looking for more contact. Zoro shaved every day, but there were already two that he didn't shave, so the growing hairs scraped the inside of my thighs when I moved my hips, leaving goose bumps.

His tongue explored every corner of my intimacy and his arms closed tightly around my legs as he brought one hand to one of my breasts and rested it there, squeezing every now and then as my body showed signs of orgasm.

He didn't let go of me when I came for the first time or when I screamed for the second. Instead, he circled my waist with his arms and held me immobile in place as he sipped every drop that dared escape from me. He showed no signs of satiating even when I scratched his shoulders or slapped him in the arms to get him to let go. In fact, it felt like it was just an extra boost for him when I was on the verge of madness, writhing in his mouth and thrashing around aimlessly for support and control of the spasms in my body.

He was both a sadist and a masochist at the same time, which is why I was so attracted to him.

When he released me, I was almost voiceless and completely shaky. I wouldn't be able to form an intelligible word, and his playful smile, which I saw blurred due to the tears pooling in the corners of my eyes, gave away his satisfaction at seeing me in that state.

When I finally composed myself and my heart stopped beating in my chest, pulse, and throat, I took a deep breath and stared at him. He was lying beside me, looking at me and running his hand down my face, lovingly.

“You look beautiful when you're coming”, was the first thing he said.

“You look handsome between my legs”, I returned the answer in the same tone.

He smiled and massaged his jaw, as if in pain.

“Too bad it takes so long to cum, my chin hurts”, he complained and I rolled my eyes.

“You didn't leave me after my first orgasm,” I accused. “For those who were afraid of giving me oral sex, you seemed to enjoy it a lot”, I continued, with a pout.

“I had no idea you were that tasty,” he said, smiling slightly. “Now you better get ready, because your taste has gone straight to the top of my favorite flavors”, he assured me, as he pulled me by the waist to glue my body to his.

I kissed his lips softly, and touched our foreheads, and he kissed me again, obscenely. It didn't take me long to be on my knees for him, determined to reward him for the multiple organs he gave me.

Seeing him from above, with his eyes closed and his expression filled with pure delight, made me want to feel his cock in the back of my throat to the point of gasping for air. But he refused to cum inside my mouth. He lifted me up and positioned me on all fours on the bed and placed the condom on his cock.

When he sank into me, I moaned loudly, too happy that my sex life with my boyfriend was perfect.

#zoro x reader #one piece boys #one piece imagine #one piece x reader #zoro x you #zoro x y/n #zoro imagine

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stupendousfuckcurtain · 2 years

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Okay so stranger things volume 2 kinda made sense to me while watching it but then I read the most colourful reviews and I'm here to talk about it. I'm mostly gonna talk about the things that I've seen being talked about that frustrate me. Here it goes.(It gets kiiinda long and kinda messy but hopefully it's somewhat understandable)

Will

The whole gay anguish Will has been put through this season honestly HURTS to watch. I don't care if they're using the gay character and stuff but ANY character being put through this kind of psychological pain AFTER already getting traumatized is just. Not it? I enjoyed the angst I'll admit but still they're not living his character up to its potential. Will was the main subject, like the main GOAL in the beginning right. Boi got fucked up in the first season but no you have to keep the connection going someway in season 2 so make him suffer more. FINE. Season two was still okay because there was potential for recovery and it could've been redeemed in season 3 but nope. It did not. What the hell even was season 3 for Will specifically? Season 3 feels like a fever dream not gonna lie but anyway the last two seasons have done NOTHING for Will.

Byler

Season 4 would've been PERFECT for the recovery process to start through Byler and I'm not just saying this because the show needs more positive LGBTQ representation but because it would make 100% sense for the characters and the plot to progress better. Also I feel like a lot of people are just shipping characters for absolutely no reason this season in the name of representation. Like I get shipping my guys but don't say its for the rep if it doesn't make sense. But yeah anyway Will's character has reached a potentially irredeemable point for me. Hopefully it'll SOMEHOW make sense in season 5.

Mileven

Okay so um. I'm a casual viewer I don't really care about the show after a few hours of finishing it BUT this relationship was enough to distress me for two years. I stopped shipping these two after season three tbh and then I come into season four and hEAR MIKE SAYING THAT HIS LIFE FELT LIKE IT STARTED WHEN HE MET ELEVEN WHAT THE HELL. Season 3 was kinda wierd for a few characters, there was such inconsistency with the character writing. Like there are bad characters and then there's bad writing. Mike was a great friend right from season one and suddenly he's a douche who can't see how much his best friend is suffering and literally crying beside him? Does not make sense. This whole relationship or the whole love triangle has been disgusting to see. It just does not make sense. I'm all for characters turning stupid or changing through circumstances but can someone please explain to me how Mike's downfall came to be. He's nothing but a love interest now? Just following around El with Will following him, is that it? Mike's entire focus shifted to eleven this season. Maybe it was because of everyone else was safe and close to him? The story is being made in a way as if Mike has always thought of El as number one priority but he didn't. I don't know it just doesn't feel right.

Characters in general

I don't know know how anyone else interprets the characters and the show in such detail but I feel like they(the writers) are literally reducing the characters to some tropes so that they show this big huge fight between the worlds. The writers are doing a horrible job handling the characters. ESPECIALLY relationships. This show and the fandom are the messiest in ships. I feel like I'm saying controversial stuff right now but eh. For the fans, I'm sorry but steddie being shipped was just a huge ass blow to my face. I could still predict ronance coming but steddie? Hell nah. Where'd people even dig that up from. A little eye contact? we do not need to ship a canonically(or presumed) gay character from every same sex interaction we see. Ronance kinda felt like it'd be cool but they felt more like buddies to me so. I respect the ships but I just haven't seen the content or posts that could convinced that they could have any canon potential. I like my ships a little more canon inspired. So yeah. For the show itself, they've fucked me up by butchering a lot of things this season and relationships is one main point as we've established already. Since I've already typed a paragraph about mileven let's go with something small for Nancy and Steve. No. It just fucks with all the character development Steve's had the past three seasons and just does not make sense. It makes sense that Nancy and Jonathan might not be able to work it out because of the distance and stuff but really? You're gonna make Nancy, the smart confident Nancy, go back to her ex she walked away from? That's just. Mmm mm.

Anyway yeah this was it. Don't think anyone's gonna read this but feels good to type it out. Also if anyone does read this I'm sorry if it has any stuff that doesn't make sense I've completely COMPLETELY forgotten season 3. If anyone doesnt agree or has a different perspective on these things please DM me I'd love to understand better.

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travllingbunny · 4 years

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The 100: 7x07 The Queen’s Gambit

I owe you all the reviews for episodes 7x07, 7x08 and 7x09, the only ones I didn’t have the time to write after the episodes aired. (I only posted My authentic live reactions to 7x07.) Now I’m on my annual leave (since yesterday... well, technically, from tomorrow) so finally I’m gonna post them before the show returns. During this mini hiatus, @jeanie205 and me have been doing a joint rewatch of season 7, and we’ve reached 7x08 (which I’ll be posting a review of tomorrow).

Unpopular opinion - I quite liked this one. Roughly on the same level as the previous two episodes, maybe even slightly more as there was nothing major that really bugged me this time. I like it when the show takes a break from the plot and exposition to focus on characters, and this one had some character moments I really enjoyed (in particular for Emori, Octavia, Diyoza and Hope) and the show addressed some of the long-standing issues I’ve had with some of the previous events (such as Octavia’s beating of Bellamy in season 3 or Madi taking the Flame in season 5). It certainly helps that Emori and Diyoza have always been among my favorite characters and that Octavia has become one of my favorites with her amazing development over the last few seasons. One of those “addressing previous issues” things was the Becho flashback (as the lack of flashbacks for that relationship has been rightfully criticized) was OK and in line with what we know of this relationship. Even Nelson’s characterization made sense this time.

There are a couple of things I’m not sure how I feel about, and the big “reveal” at the end was hardly a reveal to anyone in the hardcore fandom, but was still necessary. The pacing of this season hasn’t been the best for sure, but I think I wouldn’t have had any problems if the momentum from the end of this episode - with Clarke and co. arriving on Bardo and learning about Bellamy’s “death”, followed by Cadogan being woken up from the cryo sleep - and the backdoor pilot was followed by getting directly into present day action and involving Clarke and the rest of the Nakara group in what’s going on. I think it was mostly 7x09 and the completely unnecessary flashbacks that really ruined it and made me lose patience with the season.

I loved the mother/daughter conversation between the two Dizoyas in this episode, which was emotional and also touched on the show’s crucial themes of violence and morality. These two haven’t seen each other in what was just about a month for the mother, but 15 years for the daughter. Diyoza is treating Hope as a child, because that is what she is for her, which frustrates Hope - a dynamic that many will find familiar - though in this case, it’s a bit more understandable as Diyoza hasn’t seen Hope since she was 10, and secondly, she is right that Hope is still naive in some respects as she hasn’t had a chance to meet that many people and experience that much. But that is partly a consequence of Diyoza sheltering Hope from the knowledge about her own life before Skyring. (Hope even threw Dev in her face - explicitly calling him her father - as her other parent figure, one who did teach her to fight and try to prepare her for the real world.) And Diyoza getting upset that Hope came to Bardo to rescue her - as she saw it her role to save her (“I was coming to save you”) was not logical - she knows how time dilation works, so she should know that Hope would have been long dead by that time, if she hadn’t come to Bardo. Hope was right when she pointed out that the real problem is that her mother wanted Hope to be innocent, the way she isn’t, and that she is upset to see that Hope has become a killer, too. Diyoza was driven both to protect Hope in the physical sense and to protect her innocence - and, as she finally admits here, she wanted Hope to see her in a different light than everyone else does. We’ve already seen in season 6 that Diyoza is really unhappy about her legacy and her past and the idea that everyone sees her as a killer and terrorist. I’ve never thought she should have paid much attention to what Russell Lightbourne of all people said her place in “history books” was (which history books? The Sanctum ones? He left Earth shortly after Diyoza was arrested), but it’s clear that the reason she took it so hard is because she herself feels bad about her past actions. She thinks goal was right, but her methods were not - as she ended up killing innocent people. “Doing the right thing the wrong way isn’t doing the right thing”. She is a jaded character who can do violence better than anyone - in a tactical way and only as much as necessary, rather than impulsively or out of bloodlust - and she still does it, but who hates it at the same time, which is why she puts hope (!) in her daughter to be different. When she tells Hope “Violence and rage will destroy your soul, revenge is a game with no winners”, it feels like this is the show working towards its final messages in its final season.

If the prequel gets green lit, I hope we get more Charmaine Diyoza backstory in flashbacks and learn what was going in pre-apocalypse. In season 5, she said she was fighting a fascist government, and in this scene, we got a few more backstory crumbs, such as that everyone she loved died in wars, some of which “did not need to be fought”. I want to know what the Battle of San Francisco was - the one where Diyoza apparently saved people and was considered a hero for - and what later made her rebel against the government. We also get a McCreary mention when Diyoza finally decides it is time to disclose the full ugly truth to Hope - who and what he was and what he did, which the audience already knew, and the new info for us, that the reason why she had sex with him was to get him on her side during the uprising. (Which, I believe, is the first time anyone on the show has admitted that sex may sometimes be motivated by manipulative reasons.)

Octavia comforting Echo is a scene that got a lot of criticism. But I think this is a really good scene for Octavia and her character development. No, Octavia hugging Echo and telling her she is her family isn’t inconsistent with the fact that Octavia has never liked Echo (and was open about it in how she talked to Hope about her) or that these two characters were never anywhere near being friends, even when they stopped being outright enemies. This is simply Octavia letting go off all grudges and seeing herself and Echo as united in grief,, and is accepting Echo as family because she was in her brother’s life. And she is also now able to empathize with people instead of judging them, seeing the echoes of her how she herself felt after Lincoln’s death.

What particularly meant a lot for me is that the show has finally addressed her beating of Bellamy in season 3 and that Octavia expressed regret about it. That’s something I had been waiting for, for 4 years. That controversial scene had become even more upsetting over time because of the amount of fanon built around it in fandom wars. Such as the Bellamy-haters attempt to justify it and claim that he “deserved it” and even attempt to blame him for Lincoln’s death, ignoring the fact that Bellamy had tried ti save Lincoln and turned his back on Pike after Lincoln, Kane and Sinclair were sentenced to death, and offered Octavia his help - but she distrusted him, knocked him out and chained him up in a cave and went to save Lincoln by herself. On the other hand, I’ve now seen people criticize Octavia saying “And he let me” and argue that he was “helpless” as he was chained up - which is again ignoring canon, since Miller and others wanted to interfere and stop the beating, by Bellamy kept telling them to stay away. It’s been argued that Bellamy let her do it because he felt guilty. but while there may have been some of that, I've always thought the main reason because he realized she needed it, she needed to blame someone else and take it out on someone else, and Pike was not around. And more importantly, she needed to blame Bellamy in order not to blame herself for failing to rescue him, in order not to think “If only I had done this differently..”. Bellamy started telling her in 3x13: "I came to you, I offered help. If you had only..." and then he saw her look and stopped himself and left, realizing what he was about to say. Octavia sees his motives the same way, saying he let her because she knew he needed it, but she isn’t using this to justify herself. She can now acknowledge her mistakes and take responsibility, and show compassion for someone in a similar situation. It’s not just about grief and losing a loved one - Octavia is now a different person and does not react to losing Bellamy (as she believes) in the same violent, desperate way. Octavia saw Lincoln as her “home” at the time. Echo saw Bellamy as her leader and made saving him her mission for 5 years, and Octavia realizes she must be blaming herself for failing at it. She tells her "It’s not your fault" because she blamed herself when she did not save Lincoln.

The show has been criticized (with good reason) for developing the Bellamy/Echo relationship off-screen during a time jump, and showing a flashback in season 7 could be seen as the show ticking off another box. But the flashback’s main purpose here is clearly to comment on Echo’s storyline this season - specifically, on the issue of loyalty as her main motive (or her tendency to always look for someone to follow, as she herself has said to herself through her hallucinations). The most important lines in the scene are Bellamy telling her “Loyalty is your weakness” and, after she replies it is not, “It is, when it makes us do things we know are wrong”. To paraphrase Indra from a previous episode - loyalty is not a weakness, blind loyalty is. (I will go with the least cynical of the several interpretations I’ve seen floating around of what Bellamy meant when he followed this with a question “Do you think you can be loyal to us?” I think he thought that, as a “shapeshifter”, as he called her, he and the Spacekru can influence her to accept their values and not be a ruthless killer as she was taught to be by Queen Nia.)

Still, there’s a lot that can be deduced from this scene regarding Bellamy’s mindset on the Ring and the Bellamy/Echo dynamic in general - though it’s more of a confirmation of the things we have noticed before. What strikes me the most about this scene is that it may be the least romantic first kiss scene I’ve seen, at least out of those that resulted in a long-term relationship. It feels more like a recruitment scene - and most of the dialogue is about Echo’s and Bellamy’s relative character strengths and weaknesses, and whether Echo can be a loyal part of Bellamy’s team. Echo does look softer and more vulnerable and insecure than we’re used to seeing her, and very surprised that Bellamy is forgiving her for things she herself was afraid he never would be able to (such as betraying him at MW - which led to his previous girlfriend’s death, or trying to kill his sister), let alone show interest in a relationship with her. But Bellamy is a far cry from the emotional man we see interacting with Clarke, either in seasons 1-4 or in seasons 5-6. He is calm, composed, he wants to move on from the past, and when he kisses Echo, it feels like a moment of decision. The Ring!Bellamy has spent 3 years in peace, without needing to protect anyone - as there are no outside threats. He has mourned Clarke, believing that she died saving them all and he left her behind. He feels that his sister is his “weakness” (”love is weakness” - Echo calls it his strength), but his guiding motivation is still to go back to Earth and reunite with her. It’s not the first time Bellamy has lamented the power that his feelings for his sister have over him - in season 4, he described himself as pathetic as always coming back after she had treated him so badly. (Is this a part of the reason why he’s only ever had romantic and/or sexual relationships with women that he doesn’t have such powerful feelings for - unlike Clarke, who is also his ‘weakness’ and the only person for whom he has feelings strong enough to rival those for his sister?) In season 6, Bellamy will criticize Echo for not being emotionally open as he said she was on the Ring. As we know, she was not fully emotionally open on the Ring, either, as she never told him her backstory (he notes here that she doesn’t like talking about herself), but I can kind of see what he meant - she was a lot softer, and going back to the ground and back into the center of action made her go back into the emotionless soldier mode, which is her default survival mode. And for Bellamy, going to the ground, on the other hand, meant being caught again in a swirl of all the emotions - learning Clarke was alive and reuniting with her, seeing a very changed Octavia, having to fight and kill and do things to protect people again - we saw him change from this laid-back Bellamy in 5x01 and become more emotional, throughout seasons 5 and 6. The Ring, with its 6 years of peace and boredom, was like a vacuum - and Echo saw it as something that was “not real” and their relationship as one that’s specific to the Ring and that wouldn’t survive on the ground. One thing that this flashback revealed is how long they had been dating - it seems that “forgiving” was synonymous with “starting to date” (they really spent no time being friends), which makes it all the more astounding that, after 3 years of dating, Echo had the exact same insecurities in 5x01, believing that their relationship would not survive on the ground. In this scene here, Bellamy wasn’t even trying to reassure her - he instead used a kiss to shut her up and make her ignore those concerns. There is a development in their relationship - as Bellamy here calls Spacekru a team, a unit, and wants Echo to be a part of it, and Bellamy in 5x01, three years later, calls them and Echo his “family”. He certainly started to care about her deeply. But at no point does he mention love, and he certainly doesn’t look like a man in love.

But while it’s clear what the main themes of Echo’s character arc are, I have to say that I have no idea where exactly this arc is going. Will she learn to have some sort of identity outside loyalty to Azgeda or Bellamy or anyone else? Can she stop being a soldier and a killer, or is the point of her arc that some people can never change? Will she ever examine the morality of her actions the way Clarke, Bellamy, Octavia have been doing, and as Diyoza does in this same episode? I can’t say I’m fully sure what the dramatic moment of Echo slashing her face Azgeda-style meant. All I can say is that it seems to point out that 1) she has been shaped as a person by her Azgeda warrior upbringing in her childhood and this is her main identity she will probably never let go off, and 2) the way she said the scars mean the pain has stopped but you will never forget makes me think she has revenge on her mind. But this wouldn’t be very different of what we already saw her do impulsively in 7x05. Everyone expects Echo to be out for revenge against the Disciples - so it might be more interesting if she really decided to fight for them because she needs that in her life.

We also see Gabriel’s recruitment - the episode’s opening scene, with a pretty straightforward combination of both carrot and stick: come join us and explore the universe, something you’ve been obsessed with for over a hundred years, and oh, the alternative is getting executed, and your friends potentially getting executed. Gabriel is driven by both his scientific curiosity and a wish to save Echo/Hope/Octavia. He genuinely wanted to save them, but he also took away their choice and did it against their will and feels bad about betraying them - another one of those tricky situations in the show where someone betrays someone out of the desire to save their life.

As the Disciples are sending Orlando’s body to Nakara, we see Gabriel do his own ritual of saying “Death is life” as he did for Josephine. Conspiracy theorists were very excited about the fact that we don’t see Orlando’s dead body, but I’d say that simply means the show didn’t want to call the actor back and pay him for appearing as a dead body for 2 seconds.

An unexpectedly funny moment was Anders saying, in reference to Orlando’s death: “I think we need to rethink our penal system” (ya think?) - Neal McDonough’s face was just perfect in that moment. And Gabriel is getting back some of his tendency for snarky one-liners that we haven’t seen much since the first half of season 6 (his only question about being a Disciple is “Do I get a robe?” )

I have no idea why the show, in the following episodes. treats the characters’ decisions to join the Disciples as a big mystery that needed flashbacks to be explained. Anders directly threatened Gabriel and Diyoza, Hope, Octavia and Echo thought they would be executed or tortured, until Echo realized they wanted to recruit them (which was becoming obvious from the nice treatment they were getting - Octavia was even allowed to read a book). It’s not like any of them had a choice, and joining the Disciples and pretending to be loyal is the obvious way to go.

Another instance of the show commenting on its previous controversial storyline: when Jackson tells Madi that Bellamy convincing her in S5 to take the Flame was not right even though it was also true that it was the only way to save Clarke. Fans tend to take extreme positions on this one - either it was unambiguously bad or it was the right thing - so I’m glad to see the show admitting the complexity of that situation, and that some things can be both necessary and morally wrong - especially since season 5 seemed to treat Commander!Madi as an unambiguously good thing. Seasons 6 and 7 have since gone a long way to acknowledge that making the Grounder tradition of 12 old Commanders is pretty messed up.

I do wonder though, just like Emori did in this episode, since when is Jackson is shrink. He’s a surgeon, and neither he nor Abby have ever shown much in the way of understanding about mental health issues before.

I’ve always loved Emori - back when she was first introduced, because she was a morally ambiguous but sympathetic antiheroine with a developed backstory and because her relationship with Murphy initially subvert the “redemption for the love of a good woman” trope. Both she and the relationship have since developed and changed a lot. Emori started out cynical, distrustful of people and bent on her own survival, due to having such a tough life since she was a child cast out for the way she was born, but over the seasons, she has found love, a “family”, developed new skills, and learned what it is like to be cared, loved and respected by others - and she has become a much more idealistic character. She’s adapted to the new situation - having to pretend to be a Prime - much better than Murphy. Murphy says (and Sheidheda later echoes that) that it is because she enjoys being worshiped - and I’m sure that’s a part of the reason (and is very understandable - as someone who was thrown away like garbage as a child and an outcast for most of her life, of course she would enjoy adoration, even if it is for directed at someone she is only pretending to be), but she is happily embracing her role mostly because she can use that newfound privilege and power to do something good - and to try to heal an old emotional wound, trying to do reunite the CoG with their parents who rejected them for being nulls. She will never get a chance to learn if her own parents would be able to un-learn their own brainwashing, regret their actions and have an emotional reunion with her - but she clearly wants to believe they would. This episode may be hammering that point a bit too much with having Jackson analyze her actions - when it’s already obvious and she also straight up tells all that to Nelson, making a parallel between his and her fate, the “nulls” and “Frikdreinas”, both rejected as abominations for their DNA, (When Nelson does his angry-stubborn thing and tells her “You know nothing about me”, it reminded me of Emori’s conversation with Clarke in 4x07, when she said “You know nothing of my pain”.) Unfortunately - while Emori tells Murphy: “The way out of hell is paved with good deeds” - what happens ends up being in line with the proverb “The way to hell is paved with good intentions”. We see some of the old, sly Emori when she tricks Nelson into drinking so she could use his DNA to match him with his parents. But her new idealism makes her underestimate just how horrible people can be.

As I said in my immediate reactions, Nelson’s father is the worst. I really don’t want to judge if it is realistic that people can be so horrible and so brainwashed... sadly, it probably is. And to be fair, everyone else at that event seemed to be OK, but it’s enough for one a-hole to ruin everything. In any case, that scene was quite strong and well-acted on the part of Lee Majdoub as Nelson (aka Sachin). Unlike in the last episode, Nelson’s characterization made sense this time. His reasoning does not (and Nikki - who is not an interesting antagonist but whose motivations at least make sense - points out the exact same thing I wondered about 7x06, what kind of justice is he looking for now that all the Primes are gone?), he’s not a very rational character, but you can see where he was coming from emotionally, reacting to what happened.

It was weird, though, that he immediately started talking in the name of all Children of Gabriel and making decisions for them. In season 6, they seemed more like a bunch of people with different ideas who disagreed a lot, but now they seem to be another group that blindly follows a leader.

One thing I enjoyed better the first time were the Murphy and Sheidheda scenes. I really didn’t realize where it was going the first time I watched the episode, but knowing what it’s all about and that Shady is just stalling - it makes sense, but it also makes these scene drag on during a rewatch. Yes, Sheidheda is portrayed as a master manipulator (I think he is the first antagonist in this show who can be said to be one), and he found all the right ways to get to Murphy - calling him out on his desire to be a hero and desire to be loved (both of which Murphy always wants to deny), threatening his “queen” Emori, trying to play on Murphy’s concerns about the fact Emori is more adaptable than him, and, most of all, tricks Murphy into trying to play a mind game with him and prove something, try to outsmart him. But when you already know where it’s all going, it feels like those could have been a bit shorter. Maybe instead we could have had a couple more scenes showing what was up with Octavia, Echo, Hope and Diyoza, so they wouldn’t dedicate an entire episode (7x09) to that. But maybe putting a couple of flashbacks (around 5-10 minutes) at the beginning of 7x09 and then getting on with the present day Bardo action (i.e. whatever is gonna happen in 7x10) would have been an even better solution.

As with “Hesperides”, I’m still not sure why this episode has the title it has and if I’ve been overthinking it. Surely it can’t just be so literal and refer only to Murphy’s move in the chess game between him and Sheidheda? I expected a metaphor about sacrificing a pawn, someone or something of yours that you see as less important, to gain something else, and/or empower your strongest player. I can’t really think of anything in this episode that really fits that. Unless it refers to something else that’s yet to happen this season.

One minor thing that doesn’t make much sense to me was Murphy mentioning Lexa to try to make Sheidheda feel bad, by pointing out her popularity (”everyone loves her”) and his unpopularity. I’m confused by this, because it feels like a big retcon, or a case of the writers starting to confuse Lexa’s popularity in the fandom with her status in-universe. It was a major plot point that everyone was turning against her in season 3 (Nia challenged her and all the other clan leaders sided with Nia and almost voted Lexa down, a Trikru farmer tried to assassinate her, her Flamekeeper was worried that her people would turn against her...) I suppose we’re meant to think her popularity has risen since she died - that seemed to be how it was portrayed in season 4 - but even if that were the case, how much would Murphy know about it? He was only in Polis for a short time in season 3 (pre-ALIE) and mostly interacted with Titus and Ontari, spent season 4 hanging out with Skaikru, was not in the bunker and never got to spend much time with Wonkru. Are we to think that he learned of Lexa’s popularity with Wonkru during these few days on Sanctum in season 7? But as we’ve seen, Sheidheda is not really universally hated among Wonkru and still has stans at least in his own clan, Sangedakru. Sheidheda, on his part, correctly points out that Lexa was killed by a Flamekeeper, just as he was. He says it was because they were afraid of his “ideas” - not explaining what ideas those were, and says Lexa also was... Which also isn’t exactly what happened: Titus was not afraid of Lexa’s ideas, he was afraid she was listening to Clarke and Clarke’s ideas too much.

We get a minor Bardo time jump of 3 months in the middle of the episode. I have no idea at which point in the Sanctum timeline this or that part of the Bardo storyline happened - they are clearly not being shown chronologically, as the Bardo part of the episodes 7x05-7x06 probably lasted for a few (Bardo) hours.

Gabriel is apparently now a Level 3 Disciple and works on the "cipher” team. I guess the Disciples value scientific people more than soldier Disciples, since Echo, Octavia and Diyoza still don’t seem to be even Level 1 based on the lack of symbols on their faces, and Levitt is somehow Level 11. Since they have been working on the codes for thousands of (Bardo) years, I’m surprised that the Disciples haven’t managed to do more. According to another team member, the last big discovery was before he was born and it was a 10 digit code that allows them to “harness the power of what you call the Anomaly.

We get new info in this episode as the final code they are looking for is supposed to help them achieve “transcendence” aka “the final evolution of the species” (which they believe the beings who made the Anomaly Stones had done) and help them win the “last war”, and I assume that the transcendence has something to do with the white light that was seen when Becca typed the 7 symbol combination she only managed to find because she had the Flame in her head, and whatever she saw on the other side - which must be something different from the regular green light that appears when a bridge to another planet is opened. Cadogan’s questions to Anders after waking up were: "Have we cracked the code? Has the war begun?" It's a bit frustrating that the show keep withholding the info - what is the last war, who is it fought against? Is it even a physical war? I guess it must be at least partially, as they train and they want to recruit people like Echo, Octavia, Diyoza. But is that all?

Such a funny contrast between the star-struck, adoring Anders and an almost bored Cadogan, who first asks, after seeing who woke him up: “You again?” Having seen 7x08, I wonder if maybe Cadogan is not impressed by people who worship him without question and try to please him -as his son did (as opposed to his daughter). Anders keep calling him the “Shepherd” and Cadogan says his trademark line “Call me Bill”. He must have told him that before, if Anders had already woken him up before. Or he just doesn’t like to be woken up more often than once in a few decades or a century, since he says he was woken up “this early”.

I really like the way Clarke’s reaction to hearing about Bellamy’s “death” was portrayed. There was some debate about the fact that Lindsey Morgan, the director of the episode, first wanted to have Clarke fall to her knees, and that Jason overruled her - and I have to say I agree with him. Focusing on Clarke’s face and seeing the shock and gradual realization on her face felt a lot less melodramatic and a lot more real.

A couple of interesting things I’ve noticed: Cadogan has a picture of pre-apocalypse “Polis” (Baltimore?) on Level 13 where his cryo is.

I was first under the impression that Madi’s drawing we see in this episode showed Becca going into the Anomaly, then when I saw it showed multiple people, that it was the Second Dawn members leaving Earth. But after rewatching Anaconda, I think this is the scene when Becca activated the Stone and everyone (Becca, Bill, Grace, Callie and Reese) stood there around it, talking about it. So, probably another one of Becca’s memories.

Rating: 7.5/10

#the 100 #the 100 7x07 #the queen's gambit #the 100 season 7 #emori #octavia blake #charmaine diyoza #hope diyoza #john murphy #clarke griffin #madi griffin #bill cadogan #gabriel santiago

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psychicprincesscreation · 4 years

Text

NUANCE

Edit 7 (7/12): I didn't realize I kept breaking the link when I was trying to come up with a good title lol my bad.

Last two titles: "I'm not your bass-slut anymore." (That didn't exactly fit the narrative.)

"Don't fuck your idols. :)"

Since everyone is talking about accountability, let me put it succinctly: I was 22, this was consensual for me, I was a "groupie" who knowingly emotionally cheated on my then-bf with Bassnectar for months, I broke it off & moved out because I expected more from the relationship than I ever got.

As one person on IG stated: I was just a groupie whose fantasy didn't go the way I wanted it to. Lol it's true, but that isn't the whole story.

I know it's easy to focus on how I was "old enough to know better" and the harmful choices that I made, but don't forget that Bassnectar actively pursued me even after finding out about my boyfriend -- I'm sure he wouldn't have had any problem finding a single girl to talk to instead, given his stature.

He offered me concert tickets, plane tickets, money to buy an apartment, he told me to email him as often as possible, he told me to keep everything a secret and to lie to my boyfriend over and over.

He tried to "save" me with controlling advice about eating, sleeping, not partying (ironic, considering that he is a DJ) not pursuing music journalism, not hanging out with any male friends whatsoever, where I "should" work. This was all before we ever met in person.

People don't realize how hard it is to say no to your idols, especially when they are CONSTANTLY offering gifts that I considered very extravagant at my age.

This wasn't a normal affair; I had absolutely nothing to offer Bassnectar but myself, yet he spoke to me like I was a star. He told me we could "go deep" and that he wanted to "mate" with me.

Of course my dumbass young-adult drug-addled mind is going to fall in love with the idea of him.

CONSENT IS NOT DEFINITIVE. I didn't consent to a relationship as two normal people sneaking around. I became a cheating asshole who was misled by a rich & famous liar. I never said what I did was right -- in fact, I made it very clear that I did something wrong, too.

I also said that my story is NOT as bad as the other accusers'. I absolutely do NOT think that I had it worse than anyone else. I think my story is important because it shows that his behavior wasn't limited to people underage.

Hopefully my candor denotes honesty and by admitting my faults in this situation, people can see that Bassnectar's emotional manipulation was real and calculated, and most certainly did not start or end with me.

Side note: Apparently Bassnectar DOES cuddle... I guess he just didn't want to cuddle me that night. Ouch! :)

Edit 6 (7/12): Too many typos to fix so I'm just leaving them now lol. Added detail.

Edit 5 (7/12): Just because I say I'm slutty and I like sluts, doesn't mean every girl/women who was involved with Bassnectar is a slut. I'm just owning that label to change MY narrative for MYSELF. I really don't think there's anything wrong with being slutty -- it's always the rest of the world that has a problem.

I wrote this stream-of-consciousness, so I wanted to mention that sometimes my statements that involve other women may seem brusque, but I'm on the women's side. I mean to convey disdain for the way Bassnectar treated us (as a secret "harem",) rather than jealousy or annoyance toward the women. I hope it comes off that way, but I don't know who is reading this and how some might interpret my words.

Edit 4 (7/10):

Removed names. A story mentioned in this post wasn’t true. Either just a lie (to make someone look bad,) or I don’t remember it properly ‘cause it’s been so long. If it was my fault: my bad.

Edit 3 (7/7):

FIXED SOME TYPOS!

Edit 2 (7/7):

I like sluts. Stop making us feel bad for wanting love *and sex, too.

Another thought: Bassnectar probably pursued a relationship with me because I had a boyfriend. Therefore, I would be more secretive and would have to take some of the responsibility and guilt in this situation, too. And that is true. I do feel guilty about the lying and sneaking. I think that it was inevitable that I would break up with my then-boyfriend, but it really wasn’t Bassnectar’s place to accelerate the break-up by giving me the impression that Bassnectar would be my boyfriend instead. This wasn’t friendly advice given to me by someone older, this was tactical. It makes me wonder if a lot of girls/women don’t want to come forward because they are afraid that the truth will come out about their own affairs?

Don’t be afraid to tell your story because women-hating assholes try to dissect and expose your secrets in an attempt to discredit you! Bassnectar is the one who needs to be exposed for HIS indiscretions -- this is about what HE did wrong. Edit 1 (7/7):

- Bassnectar told me that he was coming to NYC and because we had an online relationship, I thought that he was coming to see me. My friend told me today that Gov Ball 2013 was the same weekend, so I think he may have actually been in NYC for that reason (I don’t think he was scheduled to play on the flyer,) but I was delusional about it. - I removed the screenshot of his phone number from the post because I don’t want to violate any doxx rules. I am still willing to compare this phone number with other women/accusers to corroborate our stories. :) - This is my story told from my perspective. I was an adult and I’m not posting this with the intent of legal action, or revenge (although I do admit that this relationship was devastating and heartbreaking for me.) I just want people to know what kind of person he is. - My story is not as harrowing as some of the other accusers’, but that doesn’t make it invalid. - Even now, reliving everything hurts me and I wish I could say that it was real, but now that I’m older I am wise enough to know that it was all lies. - I stand with the women who Bassnectar has hurt in similar, or worse, ways.

----

My relationship was short-lived, but it was so eventful for me that I remember it clearly. I'm mentioning many minuscule details because I think that could help prove the validity of other victims' stories.

Writing in bullet points because it's easier for me to sort through the memories. I'm calling him Bassnectar because the "Lorin" I was talking to is someone that I feel hurt and appalled by now.

• I don't have social media/email screenshots because I deactivated my Facebook and Twitter years ago. Bassnectar asked me specifically to delete our emails because his "girlfriend had caught him" and asked me to get rid of the evidence because she was "demolished." (I will go into a bit more detail about that later on.) • I don’t have a “smoking gun” that skeptics are looking for, but that’s what happens when someone asks you to keep everything a secret and delete everything that shows you were communicating.

----

• This happened in 2013 over many months, plus Bassnectar texted me a few times about once a year after our "relationship" ended. • I was 22 at the time. I'm from NYC and frequently went to clubs, shows, events, and festivals with my then-boyfriend (who I lived with) & the same group of friends. • Bassnectar was one of our favorite artists and we'd seen him perform several times in several states. • My friends had a private Facebook group where we'd tell each other about shows and make arrangements to travel/meet up/stay over each other's places. • I was very interested in music journalism at the time and occasionally wrote show reviews for my friend's online music magazine. • I actively used Twitter. I basically tweeted at every DJ we liked, and always posted reply screenshots in our private Facebook group to share with my friends. • Things became complicated with my then-boyfriend, but we still lived together. We had recently gotten back together around the first time Bassnectar DM'd me on Twitter.

• Bassnectar responded to a Twitter pic I posted of our mini-fridge with a Bassnectar logo sticker and said that he "liked my fridge" or something. • I screenshotted this and posted it in my group because he was the biggest artist who had responded to me at that point. • I thought I could use this as an opportunity to interview him for my friend's mag. • After I already posted the screenshot in my group and had responded to his DM, he sent another message asking me not to screenshot him because he "hates that." • I deleted the screenshot from the friend Facebook group. I stopped screenshotting and sharing our conversations with my FB group immediately after he asked. • I continued to chat with Bassnectar via Twitter and said that I was a big fan of his merch and that I bought several things at all the shows I've attended. • I asked to interview him at some point in the conversation, and he skirted over the request. • Instead, he gave me his email (bassnectar2012) and asked me to send him merchandise ideas. • I slapped together a few simple, quick ideas on Photoshop or something and sent them to him.

(I don’t know how to embed a picture on Tumblr lol -- will update.) • You can see that the image I sent is no big deal, and all the files were similar, but he responded as if they were the greatest things he had ever seen. He definitely made me feel special and talented. • We emailed regularly and relatively frequently for days. • Emails are exchanged back-and-forth and eventually I asked to interview him again and he agreed. • I gave him my number and he called me. My then-boyfriend was aware that I was in contact with Bassnectar, with my original intention of interviewing him. • My then-bf was in the room when Bassnectar called me for the first time. • Bassnectar didn't want to be interviewed; he wanted to get to know me. I agreed to just chat at first. • He told me not to call him Bassnectar because that was his "band" and that I should call him Lorin. • At some point he asked if I had a boyfriend and I told him no, even though things were complicated with my then-bf and we were technically together. > I know I'm going to be chastised for doing this, but I've learned years ago that I made a bad choice. Honestly, I still wanted an interview, and I am well-known for leading with my sexuality. This is when I started becoming deceitful with my then-partner. Simply put, I was just more enticed by the idea of advancing my career, and eventually the allure of potentially being Bassnectar's girlfriend, so lying seemed best. Just because I’m flawed, too, doesn’t mean Bassnectar did nothing wrong.

• My then-bf confronted me about not saying that we were together. I felt guilty and the next time I spoke to Bassnectar, I confessed that I was back together with my then-boyfriend and I wasn't single. (I don't remember if it was via text or voice call.) • Bassnectar was upset that I lied, but continued to talk to me nonetheless through text and email.

• He made me feel like my writing was profound and touching, and that we were falling in love. • He would tell me that he wanted to "bring me the sun," or "get me a puppy." He said things that were romantic and poetic and I felt heartened to respond to what I thought was love. • He said he had $10,000 in his mattress and he wanted to get me an apartment in NYC, so I didn't have to live with my then-bf anymore. • He would text me before and sometimes immediately after he played shows then say he was going to sleep by like 12am (typically.) It was easy to keep up with where he was playing via social media. • He offered to fly me to his show in Red Rocks so I could attend. (I didn't accept.)

• He called me from time-to-time and told me not to tell my then-bf who I was speaking to. • One day he had me call a different phone number, which he said was his "home phone." • He told me a story about a beautiful girl named (removed)? Who he had a falling out with because she mentioned that Bassnectar told her that he didn't like Steve Aoki. (I don't remember that story in detail -- I think he was telling me so I wouldn't tell other people when he talked about other artists.) > Edit (7/10): This person messaged me to say that’s not what actually what happened between them. • One day I was speaking to Bassnectar on the phone and didn't answer when my then-bf called on his way home from college classes (I always answered right away.) He asked who I was speaking to and I admitted "Lorin."

• When I called Bassnectar back, he became annoyed that I told the truth and said that I should tell my then-bf that I meant my girlfriend Lauren instead. • I began to sneak around more, lie more often about who I was speaking to on the phone, and texted or emailed Bassnectar almost every single day. • He said we should skip Camp Bisco 2013 and just spend time together. (Obviously anyone who attended Camp Bisco knows that didn't actually happen lol.) • He was flirtatious, charming, and always offered me tickets to events, or sometimes to fly me to where he was. I didn't accept any of this then.

• He told me that I shouldn't do any drugs, not even smoke weed. All of my friends were casually experimenting back then, and I was equally as candid as I am now about everything I did. He told me not to do drugs at his shows, or any shows, and especially not around guy friends. • Me and my friends traveled to see a show in Philly and stayed with friends. When I texted saying I was mostly with guys (my friend group was mostly guys at the time,) he asked if I "felt safe" and offered to get me a hotel. I thought it was unusual because I always felt very protected by my male friends. • He told me that I shouldn't hang out with guy friends, or have guy friends at all. • He told me that guy friends all wanted to sleep with me and I didn't realize it. • He told me I should eat healthier and exercise regularly -- it was very weird and controlling. He just didn’t want me to be myself. • He told me that he had a girlfriend who had two abortions. I think because we were talking about relationships? • He told me that he grew up in a hippie commune and was Christian and he questioned his priest and that his mom was a poet laureate. It just seemed like he wanted me to get to know him at the time. • He told me I was co-dependent with my boyfriend and that I needed to become independent and move out. • He told me I should make lists of my life goals as an independent person and email it to him. • He told me not to tell anyone about us talking. I told all of my girl friends, but it was a "girl code" situation and none of the guys or my then-bf knew what was going on. • We talked A LOT and often, but all of this only happened in a matter of months.

• Time passes and our emotional affair eventually becomes physically intimate when he says that he is going to fly to NYC. This is JUNE 2013! He played at Electric Zoo 2013, but that wasn't until Labor Day, so I'm not sure why he really needed to go to NYC, but it definitely wasn't for a show because me and my friends would have been there. > NOTE (7/7): My friend read this and mentioned that Gov Ball 2013 was the weekend before, so there is a good chance that Bassnectar was already in NYC for some reason and didn't actually come to see me personally like I was led to believe. lol.

• He alleged that he would see me again around Labor Day when he came back for EZoo, too.

• I am from Staten Island, and wasn't totally familiar with Manhattan's layout at the time, but I think that the hotel he was staying at was in Midtown. It's been 7 years since this happened, but I tried my damnedest today to figure out exactly which hotel it was -- there are soo many in that area alone. • If Bassnectar says any of this isn't true, then he's lying because there will definitely be a plane ticket or something with his name on it to NYC in JUNE 2013. > NOTE (7/7): I thought he was there to see me specifically, so the dates he told me was staying in NYC are probably not 100% accurate, but there is definitely some proof somewhere on his end that he came to NYC for whatever reason. The lies he told me are just coverup to make me lose credibility if this ever came out.

• He said he had a hotel for three days. I think it was a Mon-Wed? I took off work those days so I could see him everyday that he said he would be in NYC. If he has no record of checking into a hotel around the time I'm citing, then his manager probably did it for him. I believe his name is Carlos. (I'm going by the memory of what Bassnectar told me.)

• Bassnectar met me in person at the Staten Island Ferry (Manhattan side) and we walked to Battery Park and sat on a bench and talked. • I felt extremely shy and awkward because I knew that by meeting up in-person, I had given up with my now-ex. The whole thing was conflicting and unfair to so many people, but it was too late now. • Bassnectar frequently complimented me in person. He said things like, he was dying to smell my neck, that he loved my wrists because they were delicate like a bird's frame. • He said that he felt self-conscious that he would be recognized because he's used to being recognized in crowds. • He would pet and caress me, but didn't try to kiss me in public. • He told me that he got his hair washed at a hair salon and he gave the hair dresser a ($50 or $100?) tip and looked in the window to see her reaction and she was crying because she was so happy. • He convinced me to go back to his hotel. We took a cab there. It didn't take that long, which is why I'm convinced it was Midtown. He never told me which hotel it was, but I didn't realize it was actually because he didn't want a trail back to him. I guess it worked.

(I'm about to get very detailed about my memories, so trigger warning for making people feel uncomfortable.)

• When we got to his hotel, he became physical with me very quickly, but he said he wouldn't kiss me first. That I had to do it first. So I did. • It progressed into kissing, cuddling, him touching me all over in bed with our clothes on. He dirty-talked a lot. I also remember that he moaned and grunted a lot, and I wasn't used to any of that. • At one point, I untied his hair and let it down and he joked that I was making sure he was really Bassnectar and not his assistant that I was meeting. • He told me about his go-go dancer friend who had fake boobs. I can't remember why. • I remember him kissing me against the wall, and he said something like, I want to fuck you against the wall and hold you up with only my dick. It was way too specific to forget. (It didn't happen, though.) • We inevitably had full-on sex after the on/off touching/kissing/talking. • He said he didn't want to wear a condom at first, but he thought he should. We did, but it felt like a test to see what I would say. • I remember that he wanted me to have an orgasm, and I instructed him which position worked best for me. • He orgasmed by having sex with me from behind and asked me to look back at him. I remember him draping his long hair over my back. How could I forget that? -_- • One of my girl friends texted me ("How are you plants doing?" was our code phrase) to check in and make sure I was okay because she knew where I was. It was monumental for me, so I told her it was great. • I sat on his lap while he looked at his laptop. • We had these deep conversations about life, and love, and the future and it seemed so real to me at the time. • I remember that I told him I was unsure if we could be boyfriend/girlfriend because he was so much older than me (I think he was 35 at the time?) • He told me about about a girl he loved named X who was also around my age. I didn't think it was that weird because I was convinced he still really liked me best, but he probably had so many "Xs" and I was just another one. • At some point, he commented on Facebook (or Twitter?) in response to someone saying he was Illuminati. Honestly, it was like we were two people hanging out because of how normal everything felt after the sexual tension was gone.

• I remember having dinner with him at the restaurant across the street and talking about wanting to be a writer and he said I CAN'T WRITE ABOUT HIM EVER. (So it wasn't normal after all.)

• I remember, back at the hotel, he asked me perverted questions like, can you show me how you make yourself orgasm? He asked me to just demonstrate on his hand so he knew what to do next time. • I don't remember much more because I wasn't planning to stay. • My other girl friend had a job interview that day and we decided to meet at the ferry to take it home together. • On my way out, he walked me to the elevator and he gave me $50 to take a cab to the ferry and to use for a cab when I came back to see him tomorrow. (For my fellow New Yorkers who doubt this story, no, that wasn't enough fare for both trips, so the amount is definitely the truth lol.)

• I went to see Bassnectar again the next day. When I asked him for the hotel address or name, he wouldn't give it to me directly. He said it was because of people stalking him or something. I don't fucking know but it was obvious confusing bullshit and I think he gave me an address that was about a block away. I think he even said he would tell the cab driver the address over the phone. There was a lot of runaround to avoid saying the exact address. (Now the reason why seems obvious.) • My details are a bit fuzzy at this point because I remember meeting him outside the hotel and going up together, but I forget why we met outside and why we were both confused about which street the other person was standing on. • We went up to the hotel room, he worked on music on his laptop, while I sat on his lap and read Trainspotting on my Kindle. • He let me listen to what he was working on, but I don't remember it. I just remember that he was working with female vocals. • He told me he had to meet his guy friend in Williamsburg because his friend was making him lobster. Looking back, it was probably another girl.

• I asked to stay because I wanted to spend more time with him. I texted my now-ex-bf (who I still lived with) that I was staying with my friend. • Bassnectar said that normally he would say no, but for some reason he agreed and left me in the room with the room key and all his stuff. He either really trusted me, or really trusted how much control he had over me to leave me with his laptop. • I left at one point to get pizza, and came back. I watched TV, but couldn't sleep. He got back some hours later and he was drunk off wine, but I just wanted to cuddle and sleep. • He jokingly thanked me for not stealing his things. • Apparently Bassnectar DOESN'T cuddle and made that a point, but he did sleep in bed with me for a bit, before moving to the other bed in the middle of the night. (There were two beds in this hotel room.) • For anyone else who had sleepovers with Bassnectar, you know that he sleeps with his own fans for the white noise. So we slept in separate beds with his own personal fans on. It was all very bizarre. • We didn't have sex this day at all.

• The next morning I went to Duane Reade while he was still sleeping so I could get toiletries and shower since the sleepover was impromptu. • He had a meeting with someone (manager?) who was supposedly coming to stay in the room later that evening? (It was probably another girl though? idk)

• When he got back, he made me go over the list of accomplishments and goals he asked me to email to him. • He told me that I shouldn't be worried about finding someone to be in love with and it should be a lower priority on my list. • He told me that I should get a job at a restaurant or American Apparel or something and get a shitty starter apartment with only girls. • He said that finding an apartment that was pet-friendly shouldn't be a priority at all. I had a pet cat so if I moved out, that meant I would have to leave my cat behind, but that didn't matter to him. • He told me that if I wanted a serious boyfriend, I shouldn't let him see my legs or have sex with him for a long time. • When he finished life-coaching me, we watched a movie together. • He chose Spring Breakers because he was supposedly asked to do the musical score for it and turned it down (that's what he told me.) • At one point in the movie, Vanessa Hudgens jokingly gestures to her friends that she's giving a blowjob, and Bassnectar said he "didn't understand why girls sucked dick." • We had sex once more, more quickly than the first time and with much less romance. I can't remember much because I just remember feeling sad about leaving soon and like he was blowing me off suddenly. • We took a shower together after.

• I packed up my stuff and before I left he gave me $1000 in cash without warning and told me I could use it to help put a down payment for an apartment or something, but I should pay him back because it would be "good for me." > Looking back, when he left for a short while that morning, it was probably to take out cash to give me when I left. • He didn't walk me to the elevator this time and he sat on his laptop while I left feeling very cheap, stupid, and crushed.

• Time passes and we talk less and less. I'm heartbroken, but still make moves to find a job and move out of my ex's ASAP. • I email Bassnectar a diatribe saying I'm feeling hurt and abandoned. I say that I felt betrayed that he made me think we were essentially going to be together after I left my boyfriend and it turned out to be all lies. • I'm having lunch with friends when he calls me and is angry saying that he told me what I should do to make my life better and that he can't just give me a job or do anything for me and that I need to do things for myself. • My friends walk over to the car where I'm on the phone and when I say I'm ready to go, he asks who I'm speaking to and I say, "my friends." • He yells at me and asks why I'm talking to him on the phone when my friends are around (he asked if he could call and I said it was okay, I didn't know we were supposed to be alone.) I tell him I will call him back. • I text him and ask to call back and his mood flipped and he's suddenly super kind and apologetic and tells me he just wants me to be independent. He reminds me that I'M the one who told HIM that he was too old for me and we can't be boyfriend and girlfriend. • I am heartbroken all over again, but I move on with my life and move out within the next month or so.

> I actually did get a waitressing job as per his suggestion and saved money from that + the grocery store I already worked at and moved to BK by August 2013. I didn't use the money he gave me at first because I thought it was a reason for us to see each other again, and I was afraid to spend it in case I couldn't earn enough to pay him back by the time I saw him. (I never saw him again, though.) > In case you're wondering, I did spend it eventually when I started to resent him for blowing me off.

• I speak to Bassnectar very rarely, and only via text. He doesn't call anymore, even when I ask. • One day while I'm at work, he sends me a video of a beach he's supposedly vacationing at. • When we DO speak, he asks for nudes, usually. • When I send them, he says he feels guilty since “he has a girlfriend” and that we should stop. • Contact is so infrequent, when we catch up about my life, he gets annoyed if I mention I'm seeing any guys, but I never think he really cares because he stopped caring about me a long time ago. (If he ever did at all.)

• I still tried for months to maintain any kind of relationship with him because I truly thought we had something special, but he was always too busy for me. It fucking sucked because he was always in the back of my mind now that I was *~independent~* like he said he wanted me to be so many times.

• One random day when I was too busy to chat with him, I remember he actually DID call me because he said he lost a sound file and wanted me to record myself saying "I really like it." A few times to use on a track. I guess I took too long to get back bc 15 mins later, he texted to say he got it from someone else. I couldn't do it anyway because I was dealing with some other personal stuff. I forgot about it soon after. • I didn't listen to the album NSVB for a long time after it came out bc I was still hurt, but when I did.... I heard that fucking sound bite in whatever song it's on (I really don't care to know) and it fucked me up. • I was conflicted thinking, shit, did I blow my last chance for "us" ? I was still hung up on this asshole as if he were just some ex because of that emotional manipulation. • Would that have solidified what we supposedly had? Or would that have just been another way he used me? I began to resent him.

• Fast forward a few months and I'm drunk with my girl friend at home and text Bassnectar for the lols. I say that I should ask him for tickets to BASSLIGHTS 2013 in VA to make up for him being such an asshole. • Surprisingly he agrees on the condition that I only go with girl friends, don't do any drugs, and say that the Tix are left for me because I interviewed him. (Don't forget that no interview ever happened!)

• Before Basslights, he texts me and even asks me what songs he should play and I don't realize he's just stringing me along. Presumably it was just another plot to hook up. • Before we leave for VA, my friend who is driving admits that one of her OTHER friends secretly knows Bassnectar so we might be able to get into some party or backstage. Sooooo I guess she was another one of his "harem" that he was having a secret relationship with. (I don't mean anything negative towards that girl/woman, just that Bassnectar probably saw us this way and was playing *at least* the two of us at this time.) • My friends and I drive from NYC to VA and miss Bassnectar's set the first night because we arrived late, but the Tix were waiting for me at the box office. • If you get Bassnectar's guest list for Basslights 2013, my real name is on there. I'm sure a lot of other girls he manipulated are on there, too. • Bassnectar texts me and asks what I think of the show and I say I missed it. • He says he was thinking of me a lot during the show. • He texts me saying I should let him "vroom vroom in my girl power." Obviously he's alluding to sex, and I show the text to the friend who was at my place when I asked him for the Tix. He won't send a cab to get me at my hotel when I say sure, though, because he "has a girlfriend" again and he would feel bad. Maybe he was annoyed that I missed his set, maybe he picked someone else, maybe he actually was with his gf? Whatever. • I told him I didn't feel comfortable texting like that anymore because he said he had a gf. • He tells me I'm a good person.

• I am so hurt that I don't answer his texts at all anymore. • We go to Basslights night 2 and I get suuuuper fucked up with my friends (because fuck him) and have an awesome time and disassociate Bassnectar from his controlling bullshit. • I ignore him all the way back to NYC and just text to say I'm home. • He sends me an URGENT text saying that his gf suddenly found out about his gross infidelity and begs me to please delete all of our emails and texts. • I'm stupid and kind and fucking over him so I do it. He knew I would because he knew I was too nice of a person not to. • Bye bye evidence, though. :( I regret deleting those emails even now because I knew this misconduct shit would come out eventually with him.

• LOTS OF TIME PASSES. Now and again, Bassnectar would text me just to say what's up and I'd barely respond. This only happened approximately once a year. • I'm pretty sure this was just to make sure he was on my good side and there wasn't a chance that I was going to expose him. • I think the last time he texted me first was all the way back in 2016.

• The last few times we spoke were when he had a cancer scare and I texted to say sorry. • When I went to Moonrise Festival, I asked if we could meet and he blew me off. It's been so long, I didn't really expect him to say yes, but it was worth a try. • When me and my friends went to Electric Zoo and he closed, I texted him saying that we couldn't hear well from where we stood and left early. I think he was offended because he replied saying that no one else complained. • The last time I spoke to him, I knew he was playing at an event near me and asked for tickets again so I could see him and he said he would be with his girlfriend. It was a one-off thing and I thought it was worth the try. •There were no cordial conversations in-between the times I contacted him at all. Just me being lonely and single and still hanging on to this idyllic version of him that never fucking existed in the first place.

• I'm much older now and I know that a lot of this happened because of choices I made, but I was 22, starstruck, in a confusing relationship, partying, and desperate for an ethereal love that I sought in that music scene.

• I bet Bassnectar specifically targeted girls like me because (at least in my case) I was depressed, pumped full of mind-altering chemicals, pretty, and lonely. He acted like I was a unique, artistic, lost soul and he made me believe that he was the only one who could save me.

• At 22, you don't realize that a man 13+ years older than you shouldn't be asking you to keep your conversations a secret from everyone, asking you for nudes, asking you to lie to/break up with your boyfriend, inviting you to hotels, offering you gifts, and straight up giving you cash that you didn't ask for.

• But that man DEFINITELY knows he's doing something wrong, otherwise he wouldn't be sharing that hush money with you, or asking you to hide and delete everything.

• Because he would text me once in a while saying something like, "You cross my mind all the time," it would be enough for me to hang on to this hope that *maybe* there was still a chance. I couldn't see that it was just another manipulation tactic that worked well on me because I was still feeling the effect of the emotional annihilation from so long ago. :(

• I loathe how he made me feel for so long and it breaks my heart to know that there are so many other girls who were taken advantage of in worse ways by this egotistical LIAR in his position of power. Seriously, Bassnectar, fuck you.

ALSO: not sure if this was his burner phone or what, but here are the last two digits of the # he always contacted me with (sent in the DM). If any other victims want to corroborate by comparing numbers... Let me know.

(I REMOVED THE SCREENSHOT OF THE PHONE NUMBER IN CASE IT VIOLATES ANY DOX RULES, BUT I CAN SEND IT TO YOU DIRECTLY IF YOU ARE CONTACT WITH ME!) :)

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#eab #bassnectar #metoo

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03/30/2020 DAB Transcript

Deuteronomy 13:1-15:23, Luke 8:40-9:6, Psalms 71:1-24, Proverbs 12:5-7

Today's the 30th day of March, welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I’m Brian it's great to be here with you. Can you believe tomorrow's the last day of March? I…well…I'll try to have it believed by tomorrow but we’re in today. This is 30th of March and we’re continuing our journey in the book of Deuteronomy and in the book of Luke and we’re reading from the New International Version this week. Deuteronomy chapters 13, 14 and 15.

Commentary:

Alright. So, in the book of Deuteronomy, as we know, these are the final things that Moses has to say to the children of Israel. So, we’re reviewing things. They’re more tight and concise. Rather than sort of like reading the giving of the law, we’re hearing his last discourses. But he comes to one today that's about as big of a command about as big of a deal as can be in this culture, and that is idolatry. And, we can roll our eyes and go, “idolatry, who worship idols? That’s so stupid. What are those people thinking?” Like we can think these things and because they’re not like major issues in the world today, we would consider them irrelevant, but this is not irrelevant. So, Moses is telling people that a prophet or a person, a dreamer comes and says something about the future or gives a sign of some sort or performs some type of miraculous thing or something that they say does happen. So, like, let’s just pause, like just stop there and suppose that happens because usually if something like that happens we are drawn to know more and to may be persuaded by that person because it seems as if something's going on, right? God’s doing something. So, so far so good, no problem. I'm just pointing out if these kinds of things happen, we get drawn into them, which may be in fact a very good thing or in fact may be a very bad thing. Like we can just follow the signs, or we can have a wise heart of discernment, which is what Moses is trying to instill into the people. So he’s like, “if that happens and something they say does come true and then they say, come, let us worship other God's, then you know.” And Moses wasn't messing around about this. I mean he was saying like, “even if this person is a family member and their enticing you to go worship false gods, then you should be very clear and intentional about getting them out of your lives.” That's like a big deal. And, so, when we read through passages like this and sort of try to read through our modern lenses and go, “man this is really harsh. It doesn't like…it doesn't…why is it such a big deal?” I mean this behavior, Idolatry being…seducing people away from God is a capital offense in this culture. So, like, wow! Why? Why is it that big of a deal? So, if we take off our modern lenses and just like go back several thousand years into a very tribal world, especially where all this is going on, people, communities, nations, literally…they literally made images and then declared them their gods and sacrificed before them and created all kinds of stuff that they had to do as acts of devotion. And it's not like this is a foreign concept to the children of Israel. All we have to is go back to Mount Sinai. We spent so much time there in the book of Exodus and we remember that Aaron was asked by the people to make them new gods because Moses disappeared. And then Aaron’s just like, “I just took all the earrings and stuff and threw them into the fire and out came this golden calf.” This is what's going on in the nations all around them. This is the world they live in, a world in which there are many gods, gods of the different nations. And, so, if drought comes then the gods are not happy. If rain comes then the gods are happy and wherever those things are happening that's where God is blessing them. When war comes, whoever wins, that God is the more powerful God. The strongest God is always the victorious God. So, we can look at all those kinds of practices as strange and bizarre. We don't, most of us, live in cultures that affirm any kind of religious practice like this. Although the fact is that idol worship absolutely still exists in the world today but it's…it's beyond a statue. It's what's going on inside that matters. So, it’s not just building a statue and “you are my God” and, I guess, killing a goat. Idolatry is what's happening inside. Is giving over, surrendering our hearts and our hopes to something - a person, a thing - and we put our hope in that person or thing and then the expectation is that it will give us life, something that we want, that we consider life. So, we could just zone out and just dismiss all of this as, “statue worship, who would do that” until we understand that what we’re talking about is what is going on inside when you give your heart in worship, when you give yourself over to someone or something. All of a sudden idolatry becomes much more near because anything can be an idol. Our possessions can be an idol. The power that we have or don't have can be an idol. People can be idols. Sex can be an idol. Our need for control can be an idol. Our money can be an idol. Like, you name it and we can make an idol out of it. And we do. Like, this something that we've been doing all along through the human story and we’re gonna see that the children of Israel aren't gonna listen to this. Like, they’re just not. Like, they’re going to do exactly what they're being told not to do and we’re gonna get a front row seat. But why is Moses commanding since such stern severity. Like, why is this so serious. It…it's because idolatry, giving our hearts to something false, is going to be cancer inside of us and inside of everyone around us. It will eat us from the inside out. It will make us forget we are and who God, who the source of life actually is. So, when we turn to lesser things in hopes to get life we’re forgetting that there is only one life giver.

Prayer:

Holy Spirit, we invite You into all of that. We certainly feel confident that we’re not worshiping statues and sacrificing rams and lambs and trying to perform acts of devotion to some false God, but we can make false gods out of anything. And, so, we have to confess that idolatry has been a part of our lives and it's very very serious. So, Holy Spirit, we invite You, we open ourselves to You, that You might show us the places that our hope is not in You, that our hope is something else or that we’re getting pulled in some kind of direction, “come, let's go over here, there’s life over here.” Help us to, once again, remain completely aware that there is no life outside of You. You are the giver of life. Life flows from You. There is no other God but You. You are the most-high. There is no other hope. Forgive us for our distractions. Forgive us for the way that we've been seduced we ask in the name of Jesus and we invite Your Holy Spirit to continue the work inside of us today, revealing these areas where we have been deceived or we have been seduced. Come Holy Spirit we pray. In the mighty name of Jesus, we ask. Amen.

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We’re in the middle of something that's…well…it’s unique in the world, but it's unique in the Daily Audio Bible as well. Since last week we’ve been releasing a chapter a day from the book Sneezing Jesus and what fun we are having with that. When this virus started working its way around the world and disrupting things, I started thinking about this and then I thought about it some more, then I called my publisher, NAV Press, who published this book a couple years ago and just talked to them about, “could we kinda release this in serial fashion, like a chapter a day, the audio addition, a chapter a day.” This is so poignant for right now. Like there’s so much bad news and this is THE good news and it just discusses how the kingdom, how the gospel spread like a virus. And it's so poignant for right now. In a sea of scary things this is the solid rock. So, we’ve been releasing that and we’re just giving it to you. It's just coming every day as an additional episode along with the Daily Audio Bible. And, so, so happy to see these words igniting something, reigniting something. So, today…today's chapter that we’re releasing is called keratoconus, which would…which reveals maybe something I don't really talk about on the Daily Audio Bible but reveals something personal about me. Keratoconus is an eye condition that I’ve had all of my adult life. It's…it's when the…it's when your cornea, which is round it, protrudes in a certain area, becomes coned in a certain area. And then light, you know, your brain is used to interpreting light as it hits a round cornea and since mine are kind of deformed then light…my brain doesn't know how to interpret. Like everything looks like a smear, multiple images all smeared together. And, so I can…there's…there's a correction for it, where very, very rigid contact lenses that kind of vault over the deformed areas and then fill in with tears and then you have kind of the illusion of a round cornea. So, I talk about that in this this chapter. There’s an interesting story in the Gospels where Jesus is healing a blind man and Jesus asked him, “how do you see?” And he’s like, “I see men as trees walking.” And that's always been meaningful to me because if I take my contacts out, I know what that looks like. So, this chapter is just exploring the miracles of Jesus and…and actually more…even more importantly, His posture toward the miraculous. So, that chapter is available today, just right there in your app. And I pray that…I’ve been praying every day that these chapters are offering an alternative perspective, like something else to focus on, something like Jesus and are encouraging the world over. And, so, so happy for the feedback, that that is what is happening.

Okay. If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, thank you. We wouldn't be here if we didn't do this together and that is a fact. So, thank you for your partnership. There’s a link on the homepage at dailyaudiobible.com. If you’re using the app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or, if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or encouragement, you can hit the Hotline button in the app, or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I’m Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

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violet-bookmark · 5 years

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Lady knight, by L-J Baker

After Shadow of the knife I still was in the mood for literature inspired by ye olde medieval times, but for some reason Rangers at Roadsend was not doing it for me. I am not a quitter and I will definitely review that book soon (at least before the end of this year) but this time I needed something more chivalric and gritty, but with a happy ending to not end up dead inside like with SOTK.

Enter Lady Knight. This is a story about a female knight who is struggling to make a living and is forced to hire her sword to dishonourable lords who are complete assholes, since no reputable order would take her because she is female. She is very cool, gender non conforming and amazing, and not gonna lie, she had my heart from the first page (Riannon marry me pls). She is also ailed by a mysterious poison/supernatural power that seeped into her body via some wounds she took from a magical sword in a past war in Vahl, which almost kill her at times, until her cousin Aveline, naer of a religious order, entrusts her with a magical sword of her own who seals the demonic power inside her and prevents it from killing her as long as she keeps the sword close.

Aveline was interesting, but a complete asshole at the begging. I liked the scenes where she was talking with the goddess, since they were very mythical and immersive, but she treated the women she slept with like dirt. There was a moment in which she just had sex with a priestess and she thought something like "this woman's ambitions will probably never go further than an orgasm", which speaks for itself about what kind of person she is. She was also quite fond of crusading against infidels, which was historically accurate, but I still hated it. I liked how she cared for Riannon in her own way, how ambitious she was and how she knew what she had to do to obtain what she wanted.

Before diving into the character of Eleanor, Riannon's love interest, I want to adress something that bothers me immensely about how some people interpret her. A long time ago, before I even had this book, I read some reviews about it in which she was described as "straight" and talked about as if she was an insipid character. Not the case. She is obviously bisexual: she expresses past interest in men, but she is also the one to show interest in Riannon and to pursue her, and there are so many times in which she talks about her newfound attraction to women in a relatable way for same-sex attracted women. She also wants to reciprocate during the sex scenes and talks about how much she wants to see Riannon's breasts, to touch her vulva and to perform oral sex on her, which does not sound straight in the slightest. How can anybody read these scenes and think "oh yeah, this character is straight"? Every time I was reading one of their scenes together, I kept thinking about how damn obvious it was that she was not. She is bisexual! She is also very interesting, compassionate and smart; a social butterfly who is well aware of the limitations that society imposes on women, but who also knows that in order to gain freedom she needs to follow the rules to a certain extent (and to keep paying a hefty price of coin to the queen for her right to remain a widow, instead of being sold in marriage as a prize to one of the queen's male vassals). She was also quick to emphatize with other women and to try to make things better for them in unpleasant situations (there is a scene in which her teenage niece is getting married to a much older man, and she comforts her to the best of her ability before the wedding night, remembering when she was younger and in the same situation as her) and she was just a lovely person all around. She was my favorite character along with Riannon, and I shipped them so much. I joked before about marrying Riannon, but if I could choose I would probably want to BE like Riannon and marry Eleanor, she is that great.

The romance was very well done, very romantic in a medieval-esque way, very sweet and very healthy, something that I was grateful for after the sucker punch that was SOTK in that regard. Both lovers treated each other as equals and accepted each other despite their differences; at first I half expected Eleanor to be horrified by Riannon's masculine appearance, but she was not. Unlike the 99% of the characters (the 1% being Aveline), who treat Riannon like dirt for being gender non comforming, she was curious and accepted her and never thought she was weird or bad, or that she had to change. Riannon also saw more to Eleanor than other people did; the majority of men and women only saw her as a rich, beautiful widow good either to bed or to use as a pawn for their plans, while Riannon treated her as a person with interests, personality, wants and desires.

The author had obviously done her research about social strata, languages and traditions, something that I appreciated a lot and made the world building feel very cohesive and realistic, and a lot more medieval than in SOTK. By the way the characters talk and think you can just feel they are from another time, used to another kind of life and bound to different moral codes. I loved that. Only thing I would complain about (which is a BIG pet peeve of mine) is how what I assume to be the equivalent of Ireland in the story was named Iruland. I have done some research and from what I can tell that was never the name of Ireland, not even during any medieval period, so why? I know the author probably wanted us to be able to identify it as the equivalent of Ireland, but just changing a letter of the name to do that is lazy writing in my opinion. She could have done that in other ways, like showing cultural and historical similarities to Ireland or just saying "Ireland" and calling it a day if she did not want to go through the effort of expanding on world building. It was like when, in The Golden compass, the equivalent of the romani people in that world were called "giptians" (in my country's original language it was worse, they did the same as this book and only added a damn letter to "gypsies"). Why would you do that? It was especially jarring in TGC, since there were already another ton of cultural cues pointing to the "giptians" being a (lazily done) equivalent of the romani people, why didn't Phillip Pullman give them another name? To this day this question haunts me, and I resent this book for reminding me of it.

I liked this book's approach to magic. I liked how it felt mystic yet very medieval-like, not flashy, notorious and easy to control like in other types of fantasy, and in some scenes you did even wonder if it was magic at all what was happening. This is my favorite type of magic in fantasy, I am not keen on the type that is flashy and easy to master, like in Harry Potter (I can like a saga despite of that, but still), so I loved that. It felt very much like "invisible forces that humans can never control completely despite their well-organized rituals, and work in mysterious but undeniable ways", which is my favorite type ever of how to depict magic.

I enjoyed the plot and the political maneuverings a lot and wish we actually got to see more of that, it actually had a lot of potential and could have spanned for several books. More boring YA books have made it to a trilogy with less plot. A lot of interesting stuff was going on but the romance took precedence, and a lot of elements that could have been more explored got swept under the rug. I get it; it is a romance book and a lesbian one to boot, so it is "niche", but a second book would have been great to resolve some elements that were left open in the first book. The ending is hopeful and kind of open, but it was not the type of book in which an open ending makes sense. I might be biased here, but I would have liked a closed ending, since so much was left in the air: did Aveline succeed in her plans? What happened with Cicely? And the baby? Will the magic sword always have its power? Aveline saw a vision at the begining of the book, but will it happen at the end of the war? There is too much left untold. More than anything, I also wanted to see Riannon and Eleanor living together happily until they reached old age. I get the author was trying to send the message that homosexual love always faces hardships in an intolerant society and that there is always hope, but I wanted to see more of the two women being happy, especially since the chapter before the ending was so heartwrenching. I won't spoil anything but a character is raped, the rapist is killed in the next chapter in a very befitting way, but still. The aftermath was very hard to read.

I recommend this book if you like political intrigue and gritty storylines similar to Game of Thrones, but not that sadistic and with more focus on female characters and more female empowerment. In fact, if I had to describe this book with a single phrase it would probably be "the lesbian game of thrones, minus the dragons and more realistic all around". However, if you are not in the mood for holy wars, violence, magic swords and ye olde medieval misogyny, give it a hard pass.

#Lady knight #L-J Baker #lesbian literature #bisexual literature #wlw books #female knight #literature #Violet reviews #gnc protagonist #happy ending #fantasy #tw rape

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bluh-bluh-liveblogging · 6 years

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Elite - First Episode!

So! Thoughts about the first episode of Elite that I just watched! I kind of… did not expect to enjoy this as much as I just did? The actors are great, I love picking up a bit of Spanish on the side (not a language I speak… like… at all xD) AND the filming is awesome!

Gorgeous imagery aside – and there sure is a lot of it – I also loved the way the narrative was structured around the murder that is about to have happened. This is an impression absolutely unique to the first episode of this series because this is where we see the story begin and end before the unravelling of story threads from the middle to the eventual conclusion takes place.

This episode was meant to suck you in and get you interested and HOO BOY HOWDY it accomplished its purpose! (For me, at least.)

Regarding the murder mystery, I really liked how the various forward-flashbacks were tied in with the overall story to manipulate the viewer‘s interpretation of singular scenes (adding emphasis on likely future developments like the enmity between Nadia and Lu comes to mind) and it did not feel overdone at all!

Regarding spoilers, mind, I‘m still at the first episode and everything here is pure speculation. Mostly. I should maybe tag spoilers for the victim reveal?

Because, let‘s face it. It was obvious who would die in the end the very second this character made an appearance. At least to me.

Now, because this is what I invariably focus on, no matter what media I consume, let‘s give the various characters in the show a not-really-in-depth-because-i-am-just-talking-into-the-void-and-not-submitting-a-report review!

First of all, Samu. He is the obvious main character, sweet, cautious and just interesting enough to distract from his nice-boy image that… burdens him tragically? His decision to completely opt out of demonstrating his abilities in English during class is interesting and… so far, the only interesting thing he has ever done, except for a few nice, witty one-liners. Don‘t get me wrong, I actually like characters that are capable of… not starting drama every few seconds and the fact that he‘s seemed to be the sole supporter of his family makes him likeable? But I just know that he‘s going to have SOME bullshit going on and make decisions that will downgrade my tentatively positive opinion of him severely. I KNOW IT. Also, I… really don‘t like Marina for some reason?

Marina, then! She also follows the stereotype of the main characters love interest – the Girl That Is Not Like The Others. Which is not necessarily a bad thing! I just dislike characters that, in turn, are more attracted by the attractiveness of rebellion than the actual people who represent it for them.

(But I really liked her chemistry with Mano (?) in the two seconds they interacted.) (But that is the problem! UGH, love triangles…) I really liked that she‘s HIV-positive though! I loved how that was represented! That was apparently the big drama with the previous scholarship student though? I also like how she doesn‘t give a damn. But all in all, hm. Meh. Not my type.

Mano (?) - Samu‘s older brother who just got out of prison! And we still don‘t know exactly how! He‘s demonstrated so far: an astounding inability to sympathize with all and any struggles his younger brother has faced AND come on. That was one obviously placed camera AND YOU DIDN‘T EVEN HAVE THE GOOD SENSE TO COVER EITHER OF YOUR FACES COME TF ON WOULD IT HAVE BEEN SO HARD??? Also, flirting with the girl his lil bro is obviously dancing around already and hogging her instead of calling Samu? Seriously? That‘s just an asshole thing to do, no matter how much better you two seemed to get along, dammit!

Anyway. Then there‘s Guzman. I don‘t like him (yet). He‘s protective of his younger sister which, nice, would he not also completely ignore her wishes at the same time. His relationship with Lu seems built on the desire of the two powerhouses of the school to present a united front and also have some sex in bathrooms, but… are they actually happy together? Wait, wait. Are they even together openly? Nooooo, wait it was such a big thing that they were seen having sex! Hm. In that case, I don‘t get the nonchalance with which Lu suggests her boyfriend seduce another girl just to blackmail her. Are you that sure of his loyalty? Probably! Is that a really awful and manipulative thing to not only force a stranger but also your own boyfriend into? Yes!

But. I also know his type. He‘s the asshole with hidden depths that appear in fleeting glances only at first and then, when gradually revealed, make him your favourite character. I know that at one point I will be supposed to love him and I, a weak victim of viewer manipulation, probably will. I know how that one goes. (I still love Bellamy from The 100 with all my heart and I have suffered for it. Also only watched to the third season!)

Aside from the fact that she is gorgeous and the archetypical bitch, except also super smart, I can‘t say too much about Lu yet. Except that I ship her with Nadia, not that THAT is ever going to happen, I guess. Idk I kind of like her. In her capacity of being a huge asshole, that is.

Nadia! HOLY SHIT I LOVE HER!!! SHE IS THE BEST! And holy shit, the hijab thing was a biiig gun to pull out in the first episode, but when else, also, good demonstration of institutionalized prejudice and discrimination! (I was so mad, good job! Well, fucking awful that this is a thing that needs to be represented, but good job! And her statement about them restricting her based on their own dumb opinions and NOTHING else and how this is her belief and nobody is forcing her to wear it? YES YES YES GOOD GIRL! Screenshots from that scene were what convinced me to give this series a shot and holy shit, it was delivered so well!) I can‘t even say anything meaningful here, I just??? love her??? She is sassy and smart and NOT interested in the drama (which will change VERY soon and hoo boy is she going to seduce the SHIT out of Guzman while also falling in love, but I don‘t even mind. That much.)

Then there‘s Christian. I… really don‘t care for the second-hand embarrassment he keeps subjecting me to? And his attitude towards drugs and alcohol? And… uh… almost everything else? BUT! He handles all of the abuse directed at him with the same charm and grace that at first seems absolutely moronic but is soon (him walking through the school naked) revealed as an iron-hard sunny attitude? And I respect that. A lot. I will probably come to respect this dude even more as the story evolves, but I still don‘t like his character-archetype. But that‘s fine!

Also, Carla and this dude! Waaaaait did she only hook up with Christian because her boyfriend who‘s name I forgot was into it? She did not seem all that comfortable afterwards, which hints at QUITE the different power dynamic in that couple than is expected of them! I am very curious!

And! Ander! OMG he is SUCH a sweetheart! Sorry, I still think that getting high and making a dating app profile is dumb, but HE IS GAY and hooking up with Omar and he! Is the cutest! And only deserves good things! Please let him be happy!

Omar, for that matter… hm. He looks very tired. Also, why is he selling drugs? He‘s… Nadia‘s brother? I‘d like to see more of their sibling relationship tbh but… hm. Don‘t know what to think about him yet, but the drug thing kind of is a turn-off for me? I really hope to get to know more about him though, especially if he IS going to have a thing with Ander!

And I have many more thoughts about this and I really look forward to watching the second episode at some point in my life (which… uh… might happen sooner or later, but since my method of choosing stuff to watch includes maths and does not include personal opinion… probably later?) but now I‘m getting hungry and am going to eat something instead of screaming some more into the void.

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sungchanlele · 6 years

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“The Rain”The importance of Rasmus Andersen.

Okay listen up, imma going to speak about this amazing and probably misunderstood character who I have learned to love very dearly: Rasmus Andersen.

Now, i don’t know if you (reader, yes, im speaking to you) have finished watching The Rain but I’m about to drop some big fucking spoilers try and show that Rasmus is a very important character who deserves respect and love, so be warned.

Now, I’ve seen either here or in Twitter some people talking shit about Rasmus, calling him a spoiled brat, childish prick, crybaby kid etc etc…in very few words: a completely annoying character. Well I disagree to that, so I’m about to drop in this mini rant and be warned: this is MY OPINION about this character and what I learned about him during the course of the series, so by the end of the day if this mini rant helped that’s great, and if people agrees with me that’s also amazing, so with all that being said let’s proceed shall we?

In the first episode of The Rain, we just get kind of introduced to these fantastic characters in a very stressed environment, why? Because the rain is coming, and it’s a very dangerous rain tbh, so the character of Simone and Rasmus are shown tense and scared. We get to meet Rasmus in the car, and is a kid, a 10-year-old kid, who basically, at his very young age, lived basically the eradication of humanity. 10 YEARS OLD and in the span of an episode: he experimented a kind of a apocalypse, a 2012 shit, his dad left them and to worse thing up here: he saw his own mom getting killed/infected by the rain with his 10 YEAR OLD eyes. By this rate, he has many reasons to be traumatized, but worse of all: By the end of the episode, we see Martin’s gang entering the bunker and Rasmus just got to see the grass and the sky for at least 5 seconds before being shoved back to the bunker, and he is again taken from freedom.

Now, by this point, everybody watching the series probably started to think about Rasmus as a childish baby because he says things like: “I want to get out NOW” and him reacting when Simone tries to comfort him saying “LEAVE ME ALONE” but its actually the other way around: how would you feel if you managed to get some freedom after being 6 years locked on a friking bunker with limited space and no sunlight and fresh air, and suddenly that freedom gets snatched again in less than 5 seconds by some fucking strangers with guns (BIG ASS GUNS) threatening to kill you, your sister and locking you up in a EVEN SMALLER PLACE (because lets be clear, the bunker may be big, but it can get small when you get used to the zone). So, it can be reasonable Rasmus’s anger, yes I agree that he could have controlled it, but lets be real here, everyone would be scared and even claustrophobic if you were in his place.

Moving on, allow me to leave one thing clear, of all the brilliant characters of this amazing series, there’s one that I feel fucking pissed with, and its Beatrice. (but ngl, she’s written brilliantly). And before you come here as a mob to murder me, let me explain myself why I don’t like her. At episode 1, I started to like her a lot, she helped Simone and Rasmus and stood by their side, and I appreciate her for that (but at this point I dunno if she did that just for convenience; because she liked Rasmus since the moment she laid eyes on him; she really supported Simone and her decisions; or she liked to contradict Martin’s orders) I kinda hoped it was the last 2, and I carried on watching the episode with that mentality, until I noticed the pairing that it came to be Rasmus and Beatrice. Now listen up, why I find this pairing odd? Because Rasmus in a 16 year old kid who spend 6 years locked in a bunker with no other human contact but Simone, and most of his life before the events of the rain he was constantly sick

so he spend many time also with his parents getting checked and being supervised, laying on the bed. What am I getting at? This kid is NEW to the business of love, not sibling love, like love COUPLE, and this woman, (because lets be fucking real Beatrice is older than Rasmus), comes in and starts seducing this kid. THIS KID, WHO STARED IN AWE WHEN HE SAW TREES. And not just that, Beatrice is a manipulative person who lied to Martin when he said that his parents were in the church or something, to not get separated of them

and then lied to Rasmus again with his parents being dead in the bed. (LIKE WTF WOMAN WHY U GOTTA LIE TO A KID?)

Now, I don’t know how to interpret Rasmus’s expression when he saw Beatrice and Martin having sex on episode 2, Lucas’s expression there is brilliantly masked in an amalgamation between shocked/curiousness, and that’s when he started to feel a spark of probably jealously.

And don’t get me wrong, is probably normal for teens to get attracted to adults, it happens, but for adults to respond… its weird, and even more weird in this case, giving Rasmus’s past years of the very few many human interaction he had during 6 years. Get my drift?

Okay, back to Rasmus, having reviewed the past traumatic experiences that he has seen and experienced in the first episode and after being outside, in the span of a very few days, Rasmus:

• Was stabbed and almost died of blood loss and that injury got really infected, so he was in pain.

• Almost got murdered by a crazy doctor by being injected the virus.

• Was probably almost murdered by the other doctor at the house of the old people in episode 5.

• ATE human meat, like WTF people.

• Had a drug addiction to morphine and it was getting bad…

• The person he loved (why Rasmus why) died, and is probably HIS fault.

And the worse of all: his father didn’t help him in the end, on the contrary: he was about to get killed by his own hand. And even if it was for humanity’s own good, this in not Infinity War bro, and that dad wanted to pull a Thanos up in this bitch, like NO dude. Rasmus didn’t deserved to get that gun pointed at him by his own dad. He deserved to get cured, which is the principal reason that his dad left them on episode 1, and I MEAN, the dad is a scientist, THAT’S HIS JOB! One would say that when you know that your own son has a dangerous virus, one would do everything in his power to get his kid cure, right? Not Rasmus’s dad, which is fucked up.

THE POINT HERE IS: of all that messed up shit that Rasmus experienced, the moment he lost Beatrice is when he reached breaking point. Although some people might say that Rasmus fell into that depressive point because of her, my thesis is also that all those traumatic experiences that Rasmus has gone through the series, and loosing many important people, Beatrice is the trigger that sunk him deep. Those emotions invaded his mind, clouded his reason, and not even Simone could bring him the solace he needed, and that’s saying much because Simone was usually the one calming him, offering reassurance and protection. But nothing mattered to him in that moment this focus was the loss of another person important to him and Patrick’s reaction didn’t helped at all, it worsened things up by leaving Rasmus literally alone, Simone showed him affection but she was more focused on getting him away from Beatrice’s corpse (which I don’t blame her at all, I would have done the same), while the others were too shocked like Martin to calm him.

But you know what made Rasmus’s character powerful? What scene that made people seems to misunderstand? The scene in which he injects himself the virus saying: “No more people should die because of me” in episode 7. It’s such a powerful scene that shows how Rasmus is not childish or annoying; it’s the contrary, he’s a boy who wants to protect the people he loves because he doesn’t want to loose anyone he cares for.

He has grown up in a very violent environment and he’s so fucking scared for the people he loves that he’s willing to die for them just to keep them alive. So the moment Simone tells him: “People are gone because you needed protection” he takes a decision, a dangerous decision; he injects himself the virus, sacrificing himself for the others sake.

What people are failing to see (by my perspective) is that Rasmus’s character evolved and changed in the course of days, and he is far from a crybaby or a childish person; he is a boy that is scared and reacts to his emotions, he is overpowered by them and he is a very intelligent person that acts instinctively, so the worse thing is that the minute his father said: “I’m not sure I can” (help him) and Simone backing away from him and Rasmus asking: “Am I contagious?” he comes to understand the dangerous person he has become and the high probability of being the reason of Beatrice’s death.

So what can I conclude from Rasmus’s character? What do I see in him? I see a boy who, had to experience traumatic events since he was 10, had to pass 6 years locked in a bunker not experiencing life like a normal teen, had a very complicated love experience with a person who is older than him, had an drug addiction to morphine, had to witness a person very dear to him (his OWN dad) point a gun at him ready to shoot him. I see a boy whose emotions are powerful because he has not known how life works, he’s scared, he just wanted to see the sky…and of course, he could have handled many situations with more calm, but as a teen who is now starting to live life after 6 years of lockdown, he doesn’t know how to react to some things. Rasmus deserves to be seen as a person who is traumatized, who deserves happiness and love thrown to him, to be protected and be saved from that virus.

#Rasmus #The rain #The rain netflix #Lucas Lynggaard Tønnesen #rasmus andersen #alba august #my post

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everythingbutthecat · 6 years

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The Suicidal Elephant in the Parlour or Anne of Green Gables and Depression, Loss, & Suicide

by Adrianna Prosser

It’s no secret I’m a redhead, and it’s likely no surprise that when I was young I pretended I was Anne of Green Gables. In fact, my first best friend from junior kindergarten was a raven haired girl that I nicknamed Diana (hi Erin!) and she in turn called me Anne. When I was 14 I played Anne in my regional community theatre show in the musical (see community newspaper photo below) and it caused quite a stir: the theatre sweetheart who was supposed to play Anne with her beau as Gilbert was thwarted by me, an awkward untrained teenager who already knew the libretto by heart and I owned a straw hat. That show defined my love for theatre and my love of Anne transformed into a love of performing and storytelling. Anne was my life. Anne was me. From her temper to her bombastic nature, her hyperbolic narratives and of course her wild imagination, and let us not forget her competitive nature at school was all playing out pretty much the exact same way only in 1980s Canada in Barrie, instead of PEI in the 1880s.

^1998 newspaper article photo with me and my “schoolmates” in Avonlea school for South Simcoe’s Anne of Green Gables musical production in Cookstown, Ontario.

Naturally I watched the Megan Follows series of Anne until the VHS tapes wilted and wouldn’t play in my VCR. I used the musical version as my audition songs to get into theatre school and plays. I even grew up to be a schoolhouse teacher in a 1910 museum where I involuntarily (ok ok I did it on purpose) looked like Anne in Anne of Avonlea when she gives up her scholarship to stay with Marilla and teaches at the nearby school. I made time in my curriculum to read aloud from Anne of Green Gables the infamous chapter “Tempest in the School Teapot” to my grade 3’s and did voices for Diana, Anne, Gilbert and Mr Andrews; the crack on the head was always the best part played by the schoolhouse strap and a quick thwack to an antique desk. The kids would jump and laugh and want me to read more - what happened to Anne with an e?

Anne has been a big part of my life since I was 5 years old.

Then the CBC casts RH Thompson as Matthew and all of a sudden I’m back in Avonlea with earnest dread: what are they doing to Anne? I hear mixed reviews, I can’t seem to make myself watch it. It has been years since I have shed tears for the reveal of LM Montgomery’s secret: her granddaughter went public to say that Lucy had died by suicide. There was a note in her journal that seemed to indicate as much. I haven’t grieve the author of my youth, but now with this new rendition coming to TV I was going to have to face much more than childhood memories.

The CBC version called Anne The Series is wonderful: the vistas, the costumes, the character work… but there is something hard and dark around the edges. Gone are the warm hues, the bright scenery, the soft focus - this version has the contrast up, the grit and clarity filter showing weathering and wrinkles, and blues and greys highlight most every scene. I am intrigued to see some scenes play out exactly as I remember, and then others make me weep.

I enjoy adaptations, I am an actor and playwright and have read and performed several Shakespearean renditions of the same title over and over again in different ways throughout my career. I get it. Why do the exact same thing when it’s been done before? My thoughts and feelings are that of someone who GETS IT. I liked that in 2017 when this version premiered, we have such days celebrating mental health and focusing on mental illness like #MentalHealthWeek or #BellLetsTalk or suicide prevention day is September 10th and we as a collective here in Canada are getting better at being mental health advocates and de-stigmatizing depression, therapy, suicide and mental illnesses to the point that we are able to talk about it in pop culture (ie. 13 Reasons Why, The Virgin Suicides, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, etc…) and we are left to unpack it at our own pace and level of understanding as an audience member. So when this Anne adaptation starts to inject Lucy Maud Montgomery’s narrative into Anne’s I feel two things:

OF COURSE now we can talk about this! Now we can interpret the reasons why Anne was talking to her reflection in a glass window and named her mirrored self Katie and talked to herself like as if she was two people - THAT isn’t normal. They could be dissociative disorder and throughout the show we see ways in which Anne has dealt with trauma, loss, and the loss of her innocence (though I don’t think rape was implied she has heard and or seen sex and possibly witnessed rape in this adaptation,) at such a young age that of course she needs imaginary friends to help her deal with her situation, or even just the profound loneliness she lives. OF COURSE there would be residual PTSD moments that leave Anne riddled with inaction and mental scarring hearing from every person that she is not a person but a tool to keep the household running and forced to care for three sets of triplets; being told all the while that she is not a family member and reminded of it constantly. OF COURSE we should raise awareness of the things that were happening in Canada around this time like the beginnings of the Suffragettes and women’s rights activism, and of course we should inject that history into a retelling where we as a viewing audience can accept that lens showing us a bit beyond the warm fuzzy historical narrative we are used to.

BUT. And it’s a but I am still struggling with… When the show paints a portrait outside of what’s in the book and rewrites the scope of its characters ambitions and actions - I get mad. And I don’t know why. The specific scene I’m talking about is when Matthew, brilliantly portrayed by RH Thompson (of Road to Avonlea fame,) Here is the show and the book version:

Having re-read all of Anne of Green Gables to see where the artistic liberties by Walley-Beckett for the CBC version (she wrote on Breaking Bad and I joke that this is Breaking Anne,) are and where the book informs the adaptation. (I wanted to know if Marilla and Matthew had been given made-up backstories or if they were indeed in book *fun fact Marilla WAS courted by John Blythe, but the Jeanie button story, though adorable, never happens for Matthew as we are constantly reminded in the book of how shy he is to women, Anne being the only exception.) And of course the suicide scene was never in my recollection but I had to be sure that as a child I wasn’t just misunderstanding LM Montgomery’s intentions.

This is where my very biased opinion takes the milk crate:

Matthew Cuthbert from the novel never exhibited depression, suicidal attempts, nor “invitations”. When I say invitations I mean the signs that one may perceive as invitations to recognize inner thoughts and feelings to be that of a suicidal nature. And the show version of Matthew also does not exhibit these invitations. But that is not to say that impulsive suicides don’t exist, just that they are very very rare. Also, in Christian Victorian society they are DOUBLY rare. So to, speaking to his character (in both book and show version) do I question Walley-Beckett and her exploitative use of suicide in this narrative - it seems wildly out of character and ridiculous.

It seemed the choice was made for ratings and getting fangirls like me bawk at this rendition and give buzz to the show rather than playing into the original story’s nuance - like how I applaud her use of mental illness in Anne and that is why she is the “gypsy witch” that everyone calls her in the book: it is why she isn’t like everyone else on the island because everyone else on the island hasn’t been abused like Anne has. The stigma of being an orphan is explored and highlighted with the picnic scene in the show that doesn’t happen in the book. Anne has to triumph over her snobby neighbours not once like in the book (she saves Diana’s sister from croup) but defies a RAGING HOUSE FIRE in the show at the Gillis homestead to save a child and help put out the fire (a nod to her reading everything under the sun even a fire fighting manual at the train station, a call back to the first episode).

Sure. I like the in-between the lines bits like that. In fact upon re-reading it a lot of the action doesn’t take place on the page, it is usually recounted to us by our grand storyteller Anne herself, so the events are wide open to interpretation because often LM Montgomery says ‘and the concert happened’ or ‘and the school year passed’ and that’s it. My friend JM Frey writes how "Anne is an unreliable narrator.” and I agree.

But, what I can’t handle is imposing trendy topics into a show that is near and dear to many a Canadian heart for the sake of ratings. I thought it a bit odd how blunt the feminist sewing circle was. Not in the book by the way but huzzah for modern narratives and exploring what that gossip and chit-chat would be at Mrs. Lynde’s sewing bees (in the book it’s her gatherings). And clearly what spurned this whole blog-novel is the suicidal elephant in the parlour...

Then the other side of my heart believes this is a good thing, this new Matthew who is depressed because he is getting older and can’t “spare himself a mite” and then his reluctance to listen to his sister leads to them losing all their money. He has the same symptoms of the men who jumped from the ledge of their workplace in the Great Depression. Guilt. Blame. Loss of hope. Burden. And being the sole provider, or being told that one is by culture and society, he is overwhelmed and not only that he is weak in body so he can’t fight as hard as he used to… is suicide so unheard of for our dear Matthew? Many a Christian soul has taken their own lives. Many a Victorian had too, so too our dear writer LM Montgomery is believed to have taken her own life just outside of Toronto proper at the house she nicknamed “Journey’s End.”

While I cannot deny my anger and resentment and frustration with this new rendition of Anne of Green Gables I am reminded that the original still lays intact on my bookshelf and I can re-read it anytime. That maybe this new Anne is taking characters we have invested our love and time with for over a century and that perhaps this unsettling feeling that Matthew would try to take his life is the exact hurt we need to feel to address the suicidal elephant in our own lives.

When my brother died by suicide I was, am, beside myself with questions, guilt, blame, and looking for reasons. This scene made me react in a similar visceral way, to be sure because I am suicide bereaved, but also I had a pre-existing connection with Matthew since I was 5 years old! Matthew is a fictional character and I am not equating him with my real life brother, but I can’t deny that the way this rendition of the story being told rattled me to the core, and I don’t think it would have elicited the same response with a new tv show about a teenage girl with a distraught father figure who attempts suicide after a huge money loss. My love and time wouldn’t be as invested, and so using a beloved cultural phenomenon like Anne to share these themes, and with a main character no less, seems…. bold. And perfectly infuriating for the right reasons.

So while I digest all these feelings I am resolved to let them stay in this area of grey. The show isn’t wrong and the book isn’t right, or vice versa. What I can take away with certainty that I am glad LM Montgomery’s work is being appreciated all over again, along with her new Heritage Minute

youtube

^which not only focuses on her talented writing, but that she wrote such an epic while struggling with depression. That message that you can still create and create great things while depressed is a message we need to hear and celebrate. We also need to own that some people are suicidal and we all need to step up our efforts to help our loved ones around us know that they can talk about it, seek help without judgement, and lean on us. There is no need to read between the lines like we are here with Anne, and we can ask our friends and family directly for help when we too have thoughts and feelings that make us want to end our lives.

“It was the last night before sorrow touched her life, and no life is ever quite the same again once that cold, sanctifying touch has been laid upon it.” -LM Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables, Chapter 36 “The Glory and the Dream”

Thank you Anne for once again growing up with me and helping me understand my thoughts and feelings a bit better.

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mermaidsirennikita · 7 years

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Victoria 2x01 Review

In many ways, I feel like this episode set a really good feeling for what the central conflicts of the season will (probably) be, and in some ways it was accurate. But there were moments in which the writing seemed a bit tone deaf.

I loved the conflict between Albert and Victoria--because as much as some might dismiss it as petty, as much as they might call Albert an ass (and he was at points) it’s a pretty human conflict. He’s a guy in an era in which men were raised to be the head of the household; he knows he’s never really going to be that, but he at least wants a role. She’s insecure about her own role because she has PPD and really doesn’t *want* the role that’s being thrust upon her (that of mother). Their fight scene, as I mentioned in another post, was great because both had good points and both acted the way they often did in real life, which is part of the reasons why their fights got so nasty. It wasn’t so much what they were fighting about, but that their anger was expressed so differently. Victoria’s passionate and has always had the privilege, really, of being able to fly off the handle and interprets silence as coldness. Albert was raised in an intensely messed up household, was encouraged not to show emotion, has had the “lower hand” for most of his life so he disguises his emotion as stoicism. He interprets Victoria’s emotion as over the top drama because he’s rarely been around people who express emotion that way, and feels the best way to diffuse it is to walk away.

(Which I kind of relate to because I do the same, shoutout to Ice Queen Albert.)

I hope we also see more of how their respective adjustments to parenthood also would feed, however unintentionally, into Victoria’s insecurities. She’s worried about bonding with the baby; Albert is not only doing her job for her but is bonding with the baby very well. And it’s not like he shouldn’t or should be chastised for that, Albert just is on the show and was in real life a more natural parent and loved babies, this first baby most of all. Victoria holds the baby awkwardly, he coos over her blue eyes and pushes the pram. She can’t yell at him for that, but she probably feels undermined as a parent as well.

The Coburgs seem to maybe have a bigger role this season, as Leopold is sticking around to help with the royal marriage, and I can’t be happier. First of all, I love their Dramatic Evil German Intros, and I frankly feel like Leopold is one of the greatest characters on the show. He was doing needlework while talking politics in this episode, I love him. It’s funny because I feel that this show favors the English monarchy soooo much but the Coburg family comes off as more of an actual family for all their flaws, and you get a better sense of who they are as characters. There are hints of Ernst’s dissolution--he’s drinking more, that silly little niece of Diana Riggs is probably going to be seduced and despoiled by him this season--but David Oakes plays the role with such sympathy and he comes off as a bit tragic. I know that he and Harriet can’t end well, but I’m really feeling their chemistry this season and wish they would. They also act as great foils for Albert and Victoria. Their passion is quieter because it has to be, they can’t be together, they can’t have petty squabbles.

In all honesty, the show falls flat in terms of how it handles Afghanistan. Not only because I feel this is an issue they haven’t explained well (it’s not as famous in terms of global history, imo, as Elizabeth I’s conflict with the Spanish armada for example) but because it’s really too heavy for this show. Like... great. More white people fucking with Afghanistan when they shouldn’t be. Albert and Peel pay lip service to this fact, but it’s also mentioned that Melbourne got them into Afghanistan (I’m not sure how accurate this is but I’m assuming that in the grand scheme, he did have a lot to do with it) and Melbourne is alwaaaaays right, mm? We see a British soldier weeping about his fallen comrades, and it’s hard not to think about the fact that we’re still in Afghanistan and Afghans have been suffering in the long term while white imperialists are doing much better. Left a bad taste in my mouth.

And there’s the other thing: Victoria wasn’t a great queen. She was a great symbol, sure. But ruling wasn’t her thing. And I don’t just say that because Albert took over--he did in many ways, but Albert didn’t rule either. He kept himself informed about foreign policy, but he didn’t control it and most of his contributions towards it had to do with the alliances he made through his children’s marriages. He largely handled things like great PR moments for England, like exhibitions. Or he handled everyday nitty gritty things, like “plumbing” as Victoria put it. (It kind of irritated me that they brushed that away, because Albert was concerned with making cities cleaner for the average person and that was a big deal back then??? Like people were dying because England was filthy??? And Albert really did a good thing by cleaning it up???) Monarchs were transitioning from ruling to reigning, and Victoria also just wasn’t that interested in things like sanitation and the poor. She did try to stay involved in the government, but to be frank, I think a lot of that was less about trying to take care of the practical things Albert took care of and more about pride. What she did in the show was what she did in real life: showing up and looking pretty and symbolic and saying pretty pro-England things. But that’s not ruling. That’s drumming up PR.

Again, things like plumbing aren’t interesting but they are important. The helmet thing was a joke and it was funny, but he also had a good point--something pretty was actually keeping soldiers from having complete vision, and that... is important for soldiers. So the show adds some music and some words about how Victoria needs to be supported, but what is she really DOING? What is she accomplishing? Albert is still doing the work that matters, while Victoria is doing the same sort of thing the Windsors do today, and they don’t get sweeping music and proclamations of their greatness because they aren’t... doing much. They’re not doing bad things, but they aren’t ruling the country.

It just made Victoria’s sweeping moments a bit silly and “grrrl” power-y. And it was ultimately about giving the audience things that they wanted even if it made no sense. Let’s talk about Lord Melbourne understanding~ Victoria, while acknowledging that his shitty work as PM has led to a really bad situation. It’s kind of like Daisy Goodwin wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to promote Victoria and Albert’s relationship as the crux of the show, and ITV has done a lot for that--they’ve had Daisy’s quote comparing V&A to Burton and Taylor all over the place, they’ve talked up Jenna and Tom’s chemistry (and relationship) and so on. There’s support for the ship all over Tumblr, viewership remained good after Lord M. left and they became the focus; but Twitter loves Melbourne so you promote his (brief) return all over the place, remind people about his existence by namedropping him in the first episode. They want to give people these grrrrl power moments as well, despite the fact that the plot itself isn’t giving Victoria *real* political power. There’s such an effort to prop her up that suddenly, Wellington is on her side despite being a major villain of last season and rooting for Victoria to keel over and die. You’d think that he’d get a line in about how Victoria’s child is only a girl, and she needs a son to *really* cement her reign. Are we suddenly supposed to like this guy because he’s smiling at her? If they’d had a couple episodes of easing him into a more paternal role, I’d get it. But they haven’t.

Victoria was a fascinating woman for who she was: a symbol of the nation who had to maintain an appearance of purity while loving sex; a mother who loved her children and resented them; a wife who adored her husband and fought with him quite frequently. Just because Albert did a lot of the administrative work for her doesn’t mean she isn’t worthy of a TV show. She doesn’t have to be proto-feminist to be worthy of our interest.

Basically: the show needs to stay in its line. I don’t mind fanservice-y bits like Lord Melbourne’s reappearance, and I’m fairly sure that I know where that’s going. I don’t mind the tension between Albert and Victoria; I love it. But the show needs to remember that faux feminism is easily seen through, and the monarchy--and Victoria’s time in particular--has a history that it should either gloss over entirely or confront.

#itv victoria #victoria itv

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penguinsnoot · 6 years

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Self-Care Tips from Someone Who Sucks at Self-Care (Part 2)

Part 1

In my last post, I listed some basic self-care tips and then proceeded to talk about them way too much. Guess what? I’m about to do that again. The difference between this post and the previous one is that the first one focused more on stuff that would mostly impact and improve physical health and this post is going to focus more on things to help you relax when you’re feeling anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, etc. (but still have positive physical outcomes). Of course, these things may not work for everyone since everyone is different, but the main point of this is to at least give you ideas that can lead to you being more relaxed. Without further ado, here’s Self-Care Tips Part 2: Relaxing Edition.

Read | If you’re looking for a way do escape reality and avoid the problems of our messed up world for a while, read a good book! Or two, or three, or four. . .or more. . . Reading stimulates your brain, reduces stress, improves memory, provides entertainment, and can even lower your heart rate and muscle tension (help you relax). This may not be a cure-for-all solution, but reading truly is good for your brain and emotional state, so if you ever feel wound up and like everything is going wrong, stop, take a deep breath, and sit down on a comfortable chair and read. Getting away from the world for a while is sometimes better than facing your problems head-on immediately. You will still have to deal with them eventually, but you’re not likely to get anything done properly when you’re too stressed to function. Read a good book and let your worries melt away, at least temporarily.

Listen to Soothing Music | If reading isn’t your thing (don’t knock it ‘til you try it), maybe music is. Listening to music, especially soothing music such as jazz, classical, acoustic, etc., can improve your mood, help you sleep better, and lower stress levels. There’s really nothing better than laying in bed with natural light coming in through the window and reading a good book with soft piano music playing in the background. Sometimes tuning out the world with earbuds in is more beneficial than parents encouraging us to go and hang out with other people realize (though being social is important, but more on that in another post).

Nap | I talked about sleep in my last post and I’m going to do it again, because it’s important. If you find that you have trouble sleeping at night or you’re losing energy quickly because life is just really damn draining sometimes, silence the notifications on your phone, turn off the TV and lights, and take a nap. Experts have found that napping helps reduce stress (are you seeing a pattern in the things I’m suggesting yet?), improve mood, perception, creativity, and memory, and boost alertness. When we’re tired, our bodies don’t function as well as they should, so if you can find the time, definitely lay down and catch up on some Zs. You’ll be amazed at how easily adding almost daily naps to your routine will improve your physical and mental/emotional health.

Write | When I say write, I don’t mean break out the textbooks and peer reviewed articles to write a six-paged essay for your Psychology class. No, no, no. . . I mean write for pleasure. Whether you write a poem, short story, journal entry, or an entire novel, your creative juices will be flowing and your vocabulary skills will strengthen greatly. Writing can be a fantastic outlet for letting out all your frustrations and worries in life. If you write even just a little every day, you will continuously be working on an essential skill used in school and most (if not all) places of work, so not only will you be doing something that can increase happiness levels and reduce stress levels but you’ll also be upgrading your value in the workplace. How’s that for throwing stones at a bird? That’s how that expression goes, right? Hmm. . .

Watch Cute Animal Videos | This will heal literally any problem you have (not really). What better way to spend an evening after a stressful day of school/work/family interaction/running errands than to wrap up in a warm, fuzzy blanket and watch cute bunnies hop around and eat leafy greens? Obviously this is something that’s more of a personal appeal suggestion than something everyone would enjoy, but if you’re sad or angry or just done with the world, why not give it a shot? Sometimes all we need in life to feel whole again is to watch cute videos of puppies and kittens cuddling. Honestly, what could be better?

Soak in a Hot Bath | Hot water relaxes the body and helps you fall asleep faster, relieves muscle tension and sinus problems, lowers anxiety, and more. Taking a hot bath right before bed will make curling up under the covers feel like absolute heaven, especially if you sleep naked (which has its own health benefits). After a straining and draining day, running a hot bath can be the perfect remedy. Fill up your tub, throw in a bath bomb or some bath salts, turn on some smooth jazz, and soak in the water for a little while. Just make sure to clean your tub first.

Masturbate | Maybe don’t do this if there are other people in the house and you don’t have a lock on your door, because there’s a good chance of you getting caught (I’ve had a few close calls in the past), but if you can find somewhere private and appropriate (please don’t do this in a public space) to rub one off, do it. Masturbating reduces sexual tension and stress, helps you sleep, and relieves cramps and headaches. Not everyone may be comfortable doing this, but I’m going to tell you right now that there is no better way to build confidence in yourself than to explore your own body and figure out what brings you pleasure. Waiting around for someone else to do it for you can lead to some lackluster sex in the future (according to my mom; I have no personal experience with sex, but masturbation is great, I highly recommend it).

Cry | Watching bunny videos and listening to Kenny G won’t always be what you need. Sometimes the best way to relax is to cry all your frustration, sadness and stress out. Crying releases toxins and reduces emotional stress by getting rid of stress hormones and other chemicals that negatively affect the body. Crying every day, for no apparent reason, however, can be a sign of severe distress, depression, or some other mental illness that should be treated. It’s okay to cry when you feel overwhelmed or like your emotions are clogging up, so don’t be afraid to curl up on your side and sob like your life is ending. You may end up feeling better than ever once you’re done, because not only will you have let everything out, but you’ll also be able to think more clearly once all of those negative emotions have been flushed out of you.

Play with Makeup | This one probably seems silly, but I mean it: play with makeup. Whether that means swatching all your eye shadows and highlighters for the 10th time or doing a full face with products you don’t usually use, messing around with makeup can give you some time to enjoy yourself and not worry about the things in life that feel significant but are in fact trivial. Not everyone uses makeup, and I understand that, so obviously this wouldn’t apply to you, but it could. Go out to your local Walmart or Walgreens and get some cheap drugstore makeup to play around with (unless you have sensitive skin, then you probably shouldn’t do that). You don’t have to get or do anything extravagant; sometimes it’s fun simply to put on a sparkly lip gloss and clumpy mascara and walk around your house in your pajamas acting like a supermodel going down the runway.

Go for a Walk | Staying indoors all day every day can give your mind a chance to think up negative thoughts and let them fester, especially when you’re sitting in one place doing nothing for hours. Getting out of the house and doing something as simple as going for a walk can switch your mind over to a more positive space, or at least reduce the amount of bad vibes in the air. Walking regularly also reduces risk of heart attack and stroke, builds stronger bones and balance, lowers blood sugar, boosts energy and mood, and decreases stress levels by releasing endorphins (happy hormones). Even if all you do is go on a leisurely walk for 20 minutes every other day, that’s still better than nothing, and both your mind and body will thank you for taking the time to care for yourself.

Watch Something Heartwarming | What this means for you is totally up to your interpretation. You can watch YouTube videos, TV shows, music videos, movies, documentaries, birds, and so on. When you want to relax and get away from stress but are feeling especially lazy, watching something that makes you happy can be just as good as exercising or going out with friends (not that you shouldn’t do these things; try not to be a complete potato [like me]). Personally, I like to watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic when I finish classes and homework for the day because the lighthearted, friendship-focused aspect of the show makes me feel happy and helps me free myself from the mess of stress and anxiety I constantly find myself tangled up in. Don’t spend hours binge watching something, because then you get so caught up in a story that you don’t make time for anything else, but you could try to watch an episode or two of something a day if it makes you feel good. I highly suggest checking out My Little Pony and Phineas and Ferb. They may be for younger audiences, but that doesn’t mean they’re not awesome.

Color | Or finger paint, or sketch, or do photography- whatever rocks your roll (is that one right?). You don’t have to be inherently artistic to do art. Creating art reduces stress and anxiety, and increases creativity and positive emotions. Coloring while piano music plays in the background (gotta love that Yiruma) is so incredibly relaxing that I wish I took the time to do it more. The brain has been found to enter a sort of meditative state while coloring, which can help to lower stress and anxiety levels. Give coloring a try and see if it helps you relax, and don’t get upset if you go outside the lines- it’s completely fine.

Sit Outside | Run your hands over the grass, listen to birds sing and squirrels scurry up and down trees, watch the clouds/stars, and breathe in the fresh air (unless you live next to a paper mill or gas station or something, then don’t do that). Going outside is said to help with seasonal depression and improve mental health. If you sit outside during the day, you’ll also soak up some vitamin D, which helps with calcium and phosphorus regulation (maintain healthy bones). If you do decide to go outside during the day, make sure to wear sunscreen regardless of weather conditions (UV rays can still cut through clouds, my dudes).

Now get out of bed and go outside. It’s vitamin D time.

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hearthglow · 8 years

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Question time. I am reading Marcus Aurelius's Meditations and in the first book he condemns "homosexuality." The Meditations were originally written in Greek, I know, but I'm not sure if ancient Roman concepts of male-male relationships translates easily into modern English. Unfortunately the translator/editor does not make any useful notes on this passage. Can you shed some light on male-male relationships in Roman antiquity?

SO. Despite being queer, this is something I read less about than I should, because it is kind of a minefield of exhaustion. To begin, you need to be constantly aware of the huge gaping discourse pits that plague ancient sexuality studies, especially when it comes to male-male relationships:

1. Labeling issues.Modern sexualities do not map to ancient ones. This should be kind of obvious as they are separated by 2000+ years of history, but you would be surprised how badly this works out in practice. The problem here is that after being violently written out of history for basically forever, anything that vaguely sounds like “gay people didn’t exist back then” is obviously inflammatory. (And some gross academics have indeed argued just that.) The basic idea is that there is no neat 1-to-1 translation system of our current sexuality spectrum to the ancient spectrum, and our modern day realities can’t be imported backwards. However, this leads us to…

2. Language issues.We don’t really have specific terms for much of the ancient spectrum, so we have to use modern words, which results in people applying their current conceptions. But wait, there’s more! We’ve got textual/linguistic issues where there is no differentiation between words for homosexuality (interest-only-in-men), homosexual behavior (acts-with-men), and pederasty. Then you have hundreds of years of bigoted translators conflating homosexuality and pederasty. And then you’ve got today, where pederasty itself doesn’t neatly map to modern CSA but is understandably not something victims want distant academics philosophizing about!! Everyone is trapped navigating between Abuse Apologism and the Predatory Gays stereotype, which are both a helluva lot more harmful than Scylla and Charybdis ever were.

3. Reception issues.With modern lgbtqia+ movements and queer theory rising in academia, we’ve seen a lot more perceptions and interpretations of classical works. There’s a tendency for any academic questioning of these minority narratives to be taken as an attack (and sometimes it IS, like with the hyper-focus on Sappho). A lot of “Western” sexuality movements also owe a huge debt and inspiration to their own imaginings of the classics, and while they aren’t invalidated by those imaginings being disproved, it can sure feel like that’s the goal sometimes. Murky waters.

4. Agency issues.A lot of lgbtqia+ people have really bad experiences with being labeled rather than choosing labels. Since we can’t talk to ancient Romans and have them self-define, we’re either stuck discussing trends rather than people (which is impersonal), or deciding that because they do X, they must be Z. This results in sweeping generalizations: “well technically they’re all bi” or “if they ever had male/male sex they must be gay” and so on. But that kind of black/white labeling doesn’t manage to describe reality today either.0

5. (Bonus issue: Academia can’t keep up with our terminology which results in anything older than about 5-7 years being cringe-worthy and if I read one more article talking about a two-sexed image being bisexual I’m gonna friggin lose it)

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Meanwhile, there are the ancient biases that one has to take into account:

1. We mostly know about ELITE male/male customs, as systemized in unbalanced arrangements and/or pederasty. There is considerably less data on the other 99% of Romans.

2. Active/Submissive. Labels were based on role during intercourse, not interest/attraction as our spectrum generally works today. The stereotypes surrounding men taking an active role (dick go in thing) were completely different than those about men taking a submissive role (thing dick go in). This also aligned ‘submissive’ roles with women, who performed the same function, and so doubled the implication of unmanliness.

3. Propaganda. If you hate an emperor/politician, make him seen unmanly. If you want to make him seem unmanly, say he’s submissive to other men and does other “womanly” things. It was a pretty simple equation. This does not mean everything is hands down a lie, but this is a bias that has to be accounted for when we delve into questions about the Galli, Elgabalus, and basically any secondhand report.

It’s kind of like if you had to write a history of modern sexual identities, but all you had were some 00s top/bottom stereotypes, homophobic diatribes, some philosophical meta on RPF, vague mentions of rainbow parades, and a handful of closeted love letters. In another language. Missing 90% of its context.

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All of that said, there is constant work being done in the area, though more (and more varied) work is always needed. Here is a small chronological sampling across a few disciplines, with a caveat that I have not read most of these yet myself – apologies if they willingly hurl themselves into a discourse hellscape.

Richlin, Amy. “Not before Homosexuality: The Materiality of the Cinaedus and the Roman Law against Love between Men.” Journal of the History of Sexuality 3-4, 1993. Cited by just about everything that comes after.

Parker, Holt. “The Teratogenic Grid.” In Roman Sexualities, ed. by Judith P. Hallett and Marilyn B. Skinner, 1997. A breakdown of the active-passive binary used by later work.

Taylor, Rabun. “Two Pathic Subcultures in Ancient Rome.” Journal of the History of Sexuality, Vol. 7-3, 1997.

Gregg, Christopher A. Homoerotic Objectification in Roman Art: The Legacy of Ganymede. Dissertation for the University of North Carolina, 2000. Art theory.

Karras, Ruth Mazo. “Active/Passive, Acts/Passions: Greek and Roman Sexualities.” The American Historical Review, Vol. 105-4, 2000. Review of recent scholarship.

Bartman, Elizabeth. “Eros’s Flame: Images of Sexy Boys in Roman Ideal Sculpture.” Memoirs of the American Academy in Rome. Supplementary Volume 1, 2002. Art theory.

Eger, A. “Age and Male Sexuality: ‘Queer Space’ in the Roman Bathhouse?” JRA Supplementary Series 65, 2007

Williams, Craig. Roman Homosexuality. 2nd edition, 2010. (See Bryn Mawr Classical Review here.)

Latham, Jacob. “Fabulous Clap-Trap”: Roman Masculinity, the Cult of Magna Mater, and Literary Constructions of the Galli at Rome from the Late Republic to Late Antiquity.“ The Journal of Religion, Vol. 92-1, 2012

Larson, Jennifer. Greek and Roman Sexualities: A Sourcebook. 2012. Collection of primary sources.

Ingleheart, Jennifer. Ancient Rome and the Construction of Modern Homosexual Identities. 2015. Reception studies.

And to circle all the way back to Marcus Aurelius, I give you:

Richlin, Amy. Marcus Aurelius in Love. 2007

Laes, Christian. “What Could Marcus Aurelius Feel for Fronto?” Studia Humaniora Tartuensia 10.A.3, 2009

#evodije #reading list #hearthposts #ingleheart uses the word romosexuality and i'm going to use that forever #romosexuality

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fengreyfront · 8 years

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‘Touch’ Reflections - p.1

Hello. Here’s the commentary as stated in the author’s note in the final part of Touch. If you have not yet read the update, please do so first before reading this because there are spoilers - and please do leave a review on your way out as well, if it’s not too much trouble. [FF.net | AO3]

There’s a lot here that my brain needed to vomit out because I’ve thought of this fic every single damn day since I started it (11 months almost), so it’s very much on my mind, still. I needed a place to explain stuff, and to get these final thoughts out, and honestly, to vent, before I jump ship. So, I’ve split it into two posts, because it’s kind of long and I’m sure some people don’t care too much to read about what’s in part 2 (it’ll be writing tips, and venting).

Here in part 1, I explain my mentality when writing the characters to give some context, and also in the hopes that it might be able to help other writers to begin to think in such a way, if they seek to characterize similarly. I also just give you a run down of the epilogue I was going to write (which I will not be writing).

So, let’s discuss:

Eremika Character Study in Touch (Characterization decisions, and stuff about Teh Sex, you pervs)

Epilogue Summary

Follow Up One-Shot Summary

Eremika Character Study in Touch

Eren:

Wasn’t easy getting into Eren’s head from a romantic perspective, because we have no data/experiences canonically to go off of. So, I built this fic around wanting to delve into how he might actually handle this kind of situation.

I’d like to bring up this review here that sort of disagreed with my interpretation of him, to point out why I wrote him how I did:

I agree wholeheartedly that Eren is brash and doesn’t think things through before acting. But, the entire focus of the fic is to show how he is forced to veer from that way of thinking. It’s about him discovering a new side of himself, and having to go through complicated “uncharted territory”. The uncharted territory is really everything that is new to him in this fic - the situation with Mikasa, him having to discover what he wants after everything is over (I’m pretending chapter 88 never happened, or an antidote has been discovered, ssshh), him experiencing completely new feelings, etc.

I believe that Eren acts without thinking things through because he instantly makes a snap decision about them, and then acts on that initial reaction. That’s why in part 1, he pushed and pushed and pushed Mikasa into spitting out a confession-because he didn’t think beyond the shallow goal of ‘I want her to say what she’s hiding because she looks upset and I feel bad’.

But after she kisses him, Eren does not have a clear cut “YES/NO” initial reaction, and therefore has nothing to act in response to. He was confused. He didn’t have an immediate response, yet his body told him he wanted to kiss her more; he wants to focus solely on his mission, yet he keeps dreaming about having a future with her. It’s not easy stuff to grapple with.

I think it’s also important to note that, it is easy to act without thinking when anger is your driving force. For example, the sole goal he has built his life around is driven by this anger. A titan killed his mom. Titans impede humanity’s freedom. Titans = bad. He is angry about these things. Therefore, titans must be destroyed. Pretty straightforward.

But here, we have Mikasa, someone he cares deeply about - someone who is his family, someone who has stood by him through thick and thin, and someone who almost died for him, in the context of this fic. Their connection is special. What he has with her, he has with no one else.

Naturally, when someone you care this deeply about essentially tells you they’re in love with you, and you’ve never ONCE had thought that way about them, or even had a clue they felt that way about you… things can get complicated. For the first time, he finds himself in a situation where he can’t necessarily act without thinking, because he actually cares about her, and his answer will affect their relationship in the long term. It’s delicate.

So, his personality trait of acting on a snap decision collides with his caring for Mikasa, which collides with his confusion about thinking of her in more than platonic ways, which collides with him not wanting to ruin things, which collides with him wanting to focus on titans, which collides with his inability to work properly, etc. There’s just a lot of internal conflict going on for Eren, and that is why he acts the way he does in this fic. He is stumped, until he isn’t.

Mikasa

I wrote her as selfless as I believe her to be, canonically. She places her love for Eren, and her relationship with him - even if platonic - above all else, which is why she is so quick to descend into self-loathing at revealing her feelings. She fears she has lost him, so she is okay with swallowing her pride and shoving away her dreams of marital bliss with him, and is almost desperate to revert to how things were. But, goodness, even she is human, and having the person you’re in love with be so fickle, and ignore you, then give you attention, then be unable to give you a straight answer when you simply ask “yo is it cool if we stay in each other’s lives like before ‘cuz you’re important to me?” Well. I imagine that gets to a person.

During part 4, we see her selflessness come into play for the first half pre-sexytime. She kind of just lets all that tension go because he seems cray cray, so she puts him first. And then I thought, it’s kind of a relief to her that he’s alright with going to her for such things. She starts to think things are getting back to normal - that he’s alright with touching her and changing her bandages, and confiding in her, like old times.

And then he shows his guilt, which she hates, because she blames herself for everything of course, and suddenly he’s going “yea well sorry I can’t forget about that thing u did and things actually can’t go back to normal >:|”, so of course she gets confused and insecure because the dude seems totally off his rocker.

But then he tries to make out with her?! Like wtf Eren. And of course she’s been in love with him for a decade now, so she can’t help herself, because the love of her life essentially just served himself to her on a silver platter - but she backs away and kind of catches herself and rejects it because she believes that it’s too good to be true T____T. She believes he’s acting purely out of guilt and obligation, because despite being a loudmouth, Eren is extremely pure of heart. She believes he’s confusing his general caring for her with that guilt, and wanting to make up for it by just telling her what she wants to hear - which he of course shuts down by showing her that he desires her. Through the touchings.

Aaaand, that’s a nice segue - let’s delve a little more into my character study of them with our favorite topic, because let’s face it, you’re all pervs :)

Teh Sex. (some crass talk here...)

[...] touch conveyed all that he could not say. Touch was the language they both understood best, ‘I want you’, ‘I need you’, ‘I trust you’, and ‘this is for you, only you’, told in kisses and skin on skin and shared, drunken gazes.

This is the point of this fic. This is why they haves the sex.

You see, it’s easy to write sex between two people. It’s a pretty straightforward biological process - you can read a lot of erotica, watch some porn to get a visual idea of it, and then practice writing until you write sexy sex, and it’ll probably come out nice.

But, just writing sexy sex was not my goal here, as I just stated. I wanted this to be Eremika-specifc sex. I wanted the way they led into/have sex to demonstrate their personalities as well.

Before blocking out how they were going to do it, I knew I wanted to have this moment right before it, and this was very important to me - I wanted Eren to realize he was in love with her, right after she almost ripped his dick off.

Because it says, so much on both ends - and I think I was explicit about this in the fic. It shows Mikasa’s personality - well-meaning, yet sometimes takes things a little too far. It show’s Eren’s personality - acting out immediately, then getting tripped up when faced with a deluge of feelings, yet again.

And then it also shows the extent of his love for her. He does not love being physical with just anyone, he loves the act because he loves the person he is with, so much that he appreciates near-dismemberment because it’s such a her-specific thing to have happen.

Fear of having your dick ripped off during sex isn’t a normal thing - nor is realizing you’re in love with the person that nearly initiated the ripping off of said dick. This moment is extremely unique to them.

Here are some other moments where I wanted their personalities to shine - pardon my crass and graphic manner of speech for the next few bullet points:

Eren, being incapable of verbalizing his feels, communicates them to her by kissing her to death (which ends up being quite persuasive, as we later see)

Mikasa being an extremely quick learner, and a natural. In… everything. After Eren schools her in, “Oh. This is what happens to a penis when X, Y and Z occurs,” she brushes off the nerves and dives head first, and applies this knowledge right away, expertly. This, plus her general eagerness to please Eren, is why she begins to dry hump him, why she is always reaching for his dick after the fact, how she is able to learn how to ride him like a pro very quickly.

When Mikasa tries to grab Eren’s dick after they dry hump, he kind of bats her away and takes the lead. It’s him trying to be alpha, for once - but not out of insecurity. Rather, he wants to show his gratitude in a big way, so he goes down on her. AAAYYYY! THANK YOU EREN. LORD KNOWS MIKASA ACKERMAN DESERVES THIS. AND HE MADE HER ORGASM. SHE DESERVES IT FOR EVERYTHING SHE HAS DONE FOR THIS DWEEB. GET. IT. GURL. In this moment, and when they are actually having sex, you see Eren’s ego and pride showing every time he does something right, and it makes him want to impress and show off and please more. Though he is heavily invested in pleasing her because he loves her, her positive reactions are also kind of a compliment. Every moan is like a, “Yo, nice job! Keep up the good work!”, and being able to give her an orgasm is like someone threw him a congratulations party because dudes typically cannot do that LOL - especially right off the bat (I was going to reference that he heard this through bunker talk, but wound up not doing so). It’s also a testament to how good he is at reading her, and how well he knows her, too, since he listens keenly and observes her reactions and learns from those.

Mikasa ended up on top, because, duh. She’s Mikasa. While Eren initiated, she was the one to lead the way and push - she is the one that escalated things further each time. She took the initiative to do so. And Eren - having grown from his smol “ROAR I WANNA BE THE LEADER” phase, and being in love with this woman - is more than okay with her taking the lead. Acceptance is such a huge theme in this fic, and everything in this part is basically him being like, “I’m gonna show my woman how amazing I think she is,” and, “Yeah. My woman is amazing and outshines me in every way. I’m just gonna go on ahead and let her be amazing.”

I remember quite fondly that an anon once asked “when Mikasa would ride Eren into the sunset.” Well, she did, my friend. She did. Which is why I put in details that probably went unnoticed - that the force of her hips when she was in control was basically so powerful that the mattress was curving under him with each thrust (almost like she was trying to imprint his ass into the mattress), and the bed frame was arockin’ with how hard she was riding him.

And you know. Eren taking control at the end and her being okay with it and just going along with it. They’re just super in sync and communicative without saying anything.

And side note - Um. I know there was that whole debacle with Grisha’s diq and Eren’s potentially inherited “endowment”, but idk man. Perhaps length wise he’s not a stunner, but in my mind, and in this fic, he’s a girth guy, hence why Mikasa struggled bit. Okay, listen, don’t judge me, one inevitably thinks of such details when trying to figure out a sex scene over the span of several months you don’t know how much I’ve thought of everything good lord

Anyways - coming back out of this vulgar talk, I know I upped the fluff factor there towards the end. Because I honestly think that’s how they could be, once the ice was broken - once they realized that there was a more pleasant and light dimension to being open and honest with one another, and being able to experience something so special with one another.

I was weary about the ending being too cute - nervous about making Mikasa smile or laugh, but the more I thought of it, the more okay I was with the idea, because, dude she just had sex with Eren Jaeger, guy she has loved since she was a wee little lass, and he is giving her affection and attention and also an orgasm!!!! Of course she’d be over the moon. If there was anything that would be able to make that girl who is normally deadpan begin to tell jokes and smile, it is certainly these things.

Epilogue Summary

I will not be writing it, so here is the summary:

The next day, Eren and Mikasa are having breakfast with Armin, who is giving both of them the eye. They act normal and are essentially back to their old selves, though they both look super sleep deprived. Armin of course throws in a clever line of questioning that makes them both sweat. Even though they evade his questions, Armin passes this specific mug of tea over to Mikasa and tells her to drink it, and Eren asks what it is. Armin doesn’t give a straight answer- gives a shitty excuse and says it’s just to celebrate them making up, specifying it’s for Mikasa only, and Eren asks why he can’t have any, and Armin doesn’t explain, and they get into a cute back and forth (Armin basically telling Eren he was a bitch to Mikasa - in different words of course), but then Eren tries to drink some anyways and Armin’s like “NOOO” and all panicky, then Eren’s like “wtf”. And Armin gets really, really serious and just firmly insists Mikasa drink it.

So, Eren and Mikasa get silent, and Mikasa obeys. While she is drinking, Armin finally says something very quietly, along the lines of, “Mikasa should take it because I’m not ready to be an uncle yet”, causing her to choke on her drink, and causing Eren to shit himself (not literally). Armin implies that the tea is essentially plan b (an idea borrowed from a z.utara fic-“The Sparrowkeet Series” if you’re a fan of the ship, it’s highly recommended-where some sort of tea had this effect), at which Eren and Mikasa turn red and die forever about because 1) Armin knows; 2) they wonder who else knows; 3) Oh my god Armin knows. He mentions that Sasha had told him about them. Armin had actually assumed they were fighting/talking things over/nothing sexy was going down, though Sasha implied there were sexy things happening. Armin did not believe it, so he came by to check on them, and heard moaning, and immediately turned away.

There was going to be more to it, but I never finished thinking it over, since I decided just not to add it on. But there ya go.

Did you really think I would let them have unprotected sex (who knows how many more times after she got him some bread) without thinking of the consequences? Of course I had to think about these things - Mikasa can’t go off getting preg when there’s so much at stake.

Follow Up One-Shot Summary

A reader expressed disappointment that Eren did not say “I love you.”

I wrote this fic knowing that I did not want him to utter the words “I love you”. The entire point of the fic was to show that these words could be communicated through action, and would be understood by both without having to be said. Again - my whole take on Eren is that he has to do this whole new mushy feelings thing in baby steps. Being able to admit these things to himself and show them is huge. He’s an action guy, more than a flowery words guy.

That being said, I originally had planned to write an off-shoot one-shot to follow up the fic. It was going to be super smutty (and knowing me, probably ridiculously long). The plot was centered around Eren finally saying “I love you”, and the weird way it happens. Per above, he’s an action dude. So him SAYING sappy stuff is HUGE. I thought exploring why he felt compelled to say the words, how/why it happened, and making that situation believable, would be interesting to write about. I also wanted to try my hand at writing some lighter stuff, so it was gonna be more comical than dramatic (though I am the number one lover of angst, do not get me wrong).

However, I won’t be writing this anymore, so here is the summary (somewhat M-rated) - He and Mikasa are basically at it like bunnies all the time (typically what happens when you’re freshly in a relationship with the love of your life) and he finds himself distracted because he can’t stop wanting to do stuff with her. So he avoids her for a while, but doesn’t want to talk about it. Then, tired of the same old shit again, Mikasa confronts him about it by dragging him into a closet and pulling his pants down and giving him some amazing head (first time she will have done that, but obvs she’s brilliant at it because she’s Mikasa). Post-BJ, while she is awkwardly drinking water and still sort of annoyed with him for being distant, he stares at her and has this drawn out thought process and suddenly blurts it.

And then more stuff happens. I didn’t get that far in my thought process.

And yeah. That’s it. Part 2 will be up next week.

#touch #eremika

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juliandmouton30 · 7 years

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"Does architecture have a Harvey Weinstein hiding within its ranks?"

Architecture has a culture of quietly condoning sexist behaviour, just like Hollywood, argues Anna Winston.

"To be dangerous is to be artistically daring". In all the comment pieces I have read so far on the Harvey Weinstein scandal, this, from British playwright Lucy Prebble's piece in the London Review of Books, stood out. This was the piece that came closest to pinning down what it was about this whole debacle that made me feel both relieved and angry.

If you're a woman working in architecture, you might not be so surprised to hear that it reminded me of your industry – an industry I have been writing about for more than 10 years.

Prebble's comment hit home because it reflected a common trope in architecture – the eccentric but brilliant man who is allowed, even encouraged, to behave badly and is thus tacitly allowed to treat other people like things.

Architecture, like Hollywood, has a culture of quietly condoning and facilitating gender-related power games and sexually inappropriate behaviour from men while publicly wringing its hands about equality. I have been directly affected by this, and I'm not even an architect. Even architecture journalism is infected with this disease of silent acceptance.

Does architecture have a Harvey Weinstein hiding somewhere within its ranks? The simple answer is, probably, yes. But wherever he is, he is being enabled by a much wider problem, and one that the seemingly endless debate about women in architecture – with its worthy awards programmes and debates – has sadly had too little effect on.

Prebble's text contains more than just the one parallel. "Today's monster is yesterday's 'character'…" it reads. "Hollywood is run on charm as well as tantrums. There are elements of machismo that are glorified as an eccentricity of showbiz power. The flare-ups of big producers and agents are legendary… Ex-assistants will exchange war stories with the relish and nostalgia often reserved for remembering a classic Broadway production."

This too: "In the arts, professionalism can be interpreted as a sort of inauthenticity, and those who can't control themselves are seen as more 'instinctive'." Now doesn't that sound familiar?

It's not always easy to put your finger on why something made you uncomfortable

Weinstein was enabled by an industry caught up in a sticky and insidious web of power and control. Architecture is not the same as the film industry. But when pundits scratch their heads about the disparity between the number of women who study architecture and the number of women who actually end up working in senior positions within the industry, it's hard not to want to bang your head against a brick wall.

How is it that so many people can't see that the problem is not women deciding to have children? It is not the long hours, or the bad pay. It is the power structure. It is the condoning of otherwise unacceptable behaviour in the name of genius or talent. It is, in the words of actress Emma Thompson "a system of harassment and belittling and bullying and interference".

To give you some idea of the scale of this problem, more than half of the women who took the 2017 Women in Architecture Survey said they had experienced direct or indirect discrimination in the past year. Of those, 14 per cent experienced sexual harassment, while 32 per cent reported sexual discrimination. One architectural assistant was even told "women do not belong in architecture as they bring too much emotion to the subject".

The findings included incidents where women had been expected to flirt with clients, been ignored and talked over, and been expected to prepare food and drink when male colleagues were not.

A survey carried out last year in New Zealand found that women accounted for only one per cent of senior roles in architectural practices. Architecture schools in the country have had more than 50 per cent female students since 2000. It takes a long time to qualify and even longer to make it to the top in architecture, but this incredible disparity can't be accounted for by time alone.

The stats vary, but they tell variations of the same story. In 2013, 44 per cent of architecture students in the UK were female, while just 12 per cent of partners in practice were women. In the US last year it was more like 50 per cent of students and 18 per cent of registered, practicing architects.

All of these stats are easy to find, thanks to a small handful of women who pushed for the data to be gathered and disseminated. You don't really need the stats though. A quick glance around the industry will quickly demonstrate that in architecture, women are still largely the facilitators, while men are the feted geniuses.

This has been changing slowly, and there are an increasing number of female-led practices, but it will take more than a handful of visionary women to change the culture of the profession.

It will take more than a handful of visionary women to change the culture of the profession

The Architecture Foundation – one of the rare examples of an organisation that actively promotes equality through its programming instead of just talking about it – still struggles to sell tickets to lectures by female architects in the same volume as it does for lectures by men of equal professional standing.

For more of what we're up against, read some of the comments on stories about inequality in architecture on Dezeen – and bear in mind that the worst sexist comments don't even get published, thanks to the poor moderators who have to read them.

Or attend one of the international festivals or exhibitions where men regularly put their colleagues into uncomfortable positions by pursuing younger, less powerful women within the same field in plain view, often cheating on their wives – who are sometimes their colleagues or professional partners as well.

Or remember that Zaha Hadid is still the only female to have won both the Pritzker and the RIBA Gold Medal in her own right. Or that she was often described in disparaging terms for behaviour that, in men, generally becomes part of their genius mythos.

There is a pattern that recurs across architecture. Women handle the promotion, organisation and dissemination of the work and ideas, creating space and platform for the men to do the actual architecture – or at least to take credit for it. It is no coincidence that most of the biggest and best-known architecture firms are led by men, but the most successful architectural PRs and specialist PR practices are led by women.

"I think the design world's Harvey Weinsteins are a special breed of horrific and especially prey on the intellectual labour of women," one architect told me.

I don't think many women in architecture and its related fields would ask for positive discrimination

It doesn't just affect women either. The culture of bullying and belittling that this is part of affects people of all genders, colours and backgrounds.

Many of the powerful men in architecture are wonderful to work for and with – capable of engaging in fiery debate, and pushing us to do better without making it a power play and without bringing sex into the dynamic in any way. But most of us know the stories about those who might be described as more "problematic". You are warned about them before accepting jobs or commissions. You go in knowing that you need to focus on the positive effect the association will have on your careers long-term and grit your teeth to get through a few months or years. Your livelihoods hang in the balance if you say anything. Architecture is a small world – much smaller than Hollywood.

It's not always easy to put your finger on why something made you uncomfortable, to pinpoint exactly when you realised that something was awry, to explain why you left that job or didn't go to that event. It isn't an easy thing to publicly identify specific examples and talk about solving this problem.

In a recent Facebook thread relating the Harvey Weinstein, a Seattle-based curator, writer and educator – who studied architecture at Yale – wrote: "In architecture, art, academia, they are too genteel for anger. Instead we'll get frozen out and gaslit with the implication that the confrontation is evidence of our lack of analysis and intellectualism."

Women have their own secret language of warning and sympathy when it comes to handling unwanted sexual attention. There is the quiet suggestion to watch out for wandering hands and bat away inappropriate comments. The sympathetic glance when the inappropriate hug from that older male architect goes on a bit too long at a social event. The gossip about the womanisers and the late night sharing of knowledge over drinks on the rare occasions when there are no men around. The quiet support for women who have held on and made it through despite everything. Some might argue that these quiet support systems are part of the problem. But for most of us, it's the only coping mechanism available, and the pressure shouldn't be on us to name and shame.

This pervasive problem is all over the design industry too. Perhaps it seems more pronounced in architecture, as the role of the architect carries more historic baggage and more anxiety about its relevance and power today. Perhaps it is because being a "character" was, for a long time, the best way to get a building through all the hoops from inception to opening without compromising on absolutely everything, and it just became a habit. Perhaps it's that seven years of education produces a sense of entitlement, swiftly followed by disillusionment and an endless angst. Perhaps it is because it is to do with the way practices are structured, how much work you need to do before you get paid, and how hard it is to go it alone. Or perhaps it is because it is so closely in contact with the development and property industries, where the sexism is both rampant and often far more blatant. Perhaps I just know more architects. Ultimately, it doesn't matter why the problem is there. What matters is that it stops.

Let us do our job without all the gender-based power games

I don't think many women in architecture and its related fields would ask for positive discrimination. And they don't necessarily want to be labelled as "women architects" or "female architects", or even "female architecture journalists" or "female critics". Some women in architecture have pointed out that this kind of language can be useful in recognising and focusing on the achievements of women who would otherwise be neglected. But you could easily argue it also normalises the idea that men are more entitled to be architects because they don't need to qualify their job title with an extra word.

"I am not a female architect. I am an architect," argued Danish architect Dorte Mandrup in a piece published by Dezeen. "When we talk about gender, we tend to talk about women. Men do not really have a gender. They are just... neutral. Non-gender. That is why you do not recognise the term 'male architect'."

We are not asking to be the female equivalent of anything. We are just asking to be architects, designers, journalists, critics, consultants, directors, partners, professionals, without having to be wary or to make ourselves small, without being overlooked or having to be a "bitch" and "difficult" to be heard. Let us do our job without all the gender-based power games, pay us fairly for it, and I promise you that the entire industry will benefit.

In the process of writing this piece, I spoke to a number of people who shared their experiences of abuse, assault, harassment, discrimination, gas-lighting, predatory and manipulative behaviour and more. Some of them have given very specific examples and have named names. They include some of the most famous architects in the world, as well as rising stars in respected practices, curators, heads of schools, tutors, colleagues and friends. They are not easy to talk about or read. This is a problem in every kind of practice and at every level. Anyone that would like to share their own experiences is welcome to contact me.

Anna Winston is an award-winning editor, writer and curator. She is a former editor of Dezeen and Bdonline, and has been working in architecture and design for over a decade. Based in Antwerp, she is currently researching the future of augmented reality and public space, and is also working on a project focusing on the design of death.

Photograph is by FangXiaNuo.

The post "Does architecture have a Harvey Weinstein hiding within its ranks?" appeared first on Dezeen.

from ifttt-furniture https://www.dezeen.com/2017/10/25/opinion-architecture-harvey-weinstein-scandal-hollywood-sexism-anna-winston/

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