#something about the loss and grief being paralleled and reciprocated

[tawaifeddiediaz]

it’s completely insane to have the parallels of buck and eddie watching the other being rolled away into a hospital — not knowing if he’ll live, not knowing if what he did was enough — while expecting/urging everyone to work past their capacity to keep him alive btw

[shrack]

"but loki keeps absolutely fumbling the bag. you could have timeline shattering sex with that man who looks like he works in a bank, but no. you have to "save the world" or whatever"

You know what i think this is? This is the stage of unrequited love where the person with said love embraces every opportunity to be together, knowing full-well their time is limited and his feelings will likely not be returned. And Mobius seems to have made peace with that. As long as he can savor being by Loki's side and make snide comments about his fixation with Sylvie (which Mobius is jealous of but does not interfere with), great. He has chosen to privately enjoy what he can get.

This is the stage where the recipient of unrequited love does not know yet how much this person means to him.

The first time they were separated, Mobius was pruned, and Loki still felt strong emotions for Sylvie. The horror and grief were cut short because all three of them were reunited not long after. There was no time to actually perceive and process loss.

The second time they were separated, Loki was time-slipping. To his knowledge, /he/ had higher chances of dying. While we may interpret Loki's feelings for Sylvie as an act of self-love, Loki prioritizing saving the multiverse is an act of love of life. He has not yet reached the stage of having the capacity to welcome the love of another person distinct from himself. Further, I don't think he's aware Mobius waited for him longer than he should have, and I don't think he would have considered anyone would do that for him as a possibility. But Mobius did, and he is once again keeping all of this to himself because he doesn't think Loki will ever love him back anyway. Mind, I don't think Mobius feels any real bitterness about this. I think he enjoys having someone to feel this way about, even if the only person who will ever know is himself.

From a narrative perspective, these kinds of arcs and plot points come in 3s. I think it's well-established that Mobius is more than willing to make a sacrifice, a hard decision for Loki's sake, and I think Loki will not be okay with it the next time such a need arises. The culminative acts of love and affection without need of reciprocation will only become clear to Loki in hindsight.

i agree completely!! sillyposting aside i think theyre such a good example of "a fell first b fell harder"

like of course loki puts saving the world first. what would he do without life, without living? he's aware that this is his second chance, and he doesnt want to jeopardize what he's gained back, so of course that's his priority. and i think that's also why mobius is taking the "slow, cerebral approach" and thus teaching it to loki—they both love living. and mobius has only really gotten to discover how much he loves it because he's gained that freedom thanks to loki, whereas loki knows that freedom and would be remiss to lose it for everyone else. i think theyre such fascinating parallels that way

i think, unfortunately, this is similar to how his and thor's relationship ended up between ragnarok and infinity war. loki only really begins to understand how much thor cares for him a few hours before he has to sacrifice himself to save his brother. tva!loki gets to see thor mourn over his corpse and only then does he understand the depths to which his brother loves him. and i fear that the writers might fall into that pattern again; loki is an action man, and it might take mobius breaking from his slow approach and doing something drastic (again) for loki's sake before loki realizes just what he has in mobius.

all this to say that if mobius dies to save loki....good luck charlie

[the-family-we-choose-118]

Why I Think Albert Doesn't Die in 4B: A Meta Post

Maybe this is me reaching or some really wishful thinking, but i don't think albert is the one who dies, though i think he does get seriously injured (explanation below the cut so hear me out lol)

Based on scenes from 3b, 4a, the 4b promos, and some interviews done after 4x08 about 4x09.

In multiple interviews (one example below ⬇), Tim has stressed that there is going to be a divide between Bobby and Athena because he feels that she's too independent and won't let him in when she has issues. 4b is being set up to build off of last season's attack at the storage unit. Athena has made peace with the attack, so it will take something (encountering the attacker, being trapped while looking for a suspect, a storage unit, or experiencing other trauma) to act as the catalyst to trigger her into needing Bobby's help but refusing to ask. Albert dying will in no way drive or affect this plot line and will only really heavily affect Chimney, Maddie, and Buck and maybe Chris and Eddie.

Tim did a different interview where he said that multiple characters will be in life or death situations ⬇

As far as we know from the promo Hen, Buck, Bobby, Athena, May, Eddie, and Chimney are working the crash and Maddie is shown at work going into labor or having false contractions. None are likely contenders for a life or death situation, which leaves the side characters. Since this involves a massive pile-up, and we already know that Albert is in one car, that leaves three others.

The scenario I see best playing out in term of writing and setting up 4b and going into season 5 is this:

Albert gets horribly injured in the crash and has a long recovery. (This plays into 4a when Taylor said Buck was selfish and has no real friends because he doesn't know how to treat a friend.) If Albert gets injured and has a long recovery, he has 2 options for care. He either moves back in with Madney (but they have their hands full with the baby) or he stays with Buck, who has had to recover from a serious injury before. By staying with Buck, he learns how to really care for a friend unselfishly (tho we're gonna ignore the Buddie friendship for a minute bc the writers did). This also gives them the opportunity to set Albert and Buck up in a friendship so Buck can have friends outside the 118.

OR Albert goes into a coma because the writers are playing with a lot of characters right now and I don't think they know what to do with Albert and how to give him enough screen time for anything meaningful to happen. This way, they can revisit his arc in the future. Also, imagine Chimney and Maddie getting ready to take their daughter home and stopping by Albert's room to introduce their baby to her Uncle Albert 😭 Putting Albert in a coma or giving him a long recovery time is something that could be revisited at the end of the season easily.

I think the 3 others in jeopardy are in one car and I think it is Michael, David, and Harry after going to dinner one night or something and I think they are at the center of the crash.

I think the person who dies is Michael or David, mainly because of this interview ⬇

First, they've brought in David, but like Albert's storyline, they can't fit him in enough for it to really be meaningful. We see them meet towards the end of season 3 and by season 4 they have quarantined together (even though David is on the front lines) and are now living together. Most of their story occurs off screen. The only reason we even saw Michael and David in most of 4a was because it was a storyline attached to Athena and Bobby. Killing off David is less characters to deal with and would affect Bobby and Athena, but not to a degree I would see it driving a wedge in their own relationship. It would affect Michael and encourage him to complete his bucket list he referenced in 4a but it wouldn't have an impact on the whole 118.

Both Bobby and Athena are really close with Michael, though I'm gonna focus on Bobby for a minute. If Michael dies suddenly, that "lighthearted and hilarious" relationship "quickly turns on a dime" and suddenly it "ends up being quite emotional" because Bobby is dealing with losing a friend. This could also dredge up those feelings of having lost his family in a fire and not being able to save them because Michael is now part of Bobby's family. Later in the season, it would be easy to revisit if Harry is mad that his step dad and dad's boyfriend weren't able to save his dad. Bobby would be dealing with his feelings of losing a friend while trying to help Athena (who doesn't want help) deal with the loss of her ex husband.

Shifting the focus to Athena, Michael dying would absolutely devastate Athena. They were married for nearly 2 decades and he is still a close friend and confidante. Losing her ex husband at the site of a crash she responded to would be traumatic. And if you compound that with her unresolved trauma from the attack, now you've got Athena trying to deal with everything on her own and not asking for help. Now Bobby gets mad/sad/distanced because Athena won't ask for help and he needs his own support from her. And maybe she is giving that support but she won't let him reciprocate it and now you have a recipe for anger and unresolved grief that begins to drive them apart.

Focusing on May for a moment, she became an operator because she wanted to make sure Athena was never alone in the field. Though I can't imagine her taking the call for Michael because he is on the line when Albert is injured, her dad dying in a crash she responded to would likely drive her out of the field and into college or another path (1 less character to have around to try to give screen time.)

Michael's death was also foreshadowed in 4a when Athena is concerned he gets the telescope and is spying on neighbors. He talks about having a bucket list that he never got to do because the pandemic forced him into isolation. He also talked about how his only concern during the cancer was preparing his kids for losing him.

Michael's plot is stagnant. He is happy and living with his boyfriend and son. He's cancer free. His whole plot is tied up in a nice bow where they could easily kill him off and the only loose threads to deal with on screen are his family members and friends grieving his loss. This would impact the 118 as a whole.

Honestly, I thought they were going to kill off Michael when he first got cancer and he decided to stop treatments but they bad May talk to him and convince him to go through with the treatments.

Now, by killing off Michael, it is 2 less stories they have to tell, and it is less they'll have to include storylines for Harry as much as they were because he was linked to Michael's storyline. And if they have May decide to leave the field to pursue other dreams or complete her dad's bucket list for him, that is 4 less storylines where they can now focus on the Madney baby, Bathena's relationship, introducing friends for Buck (they mentioned brining back Taylor), focus on ending Eddie/Ana, and establishing Albert as a character (based on a quote from the above article, I think Albert's storyline is going to parallel Buck's 1.0 to 2.0 phase ➡ "If you think about how we ended season 2, Buck being smashed by the firetruck. We knew he was going to survive... I would expect something similar here.")

Referring back to that first article, where it says "Then look for a significant source of agitation for the entire 118."

At this point, Michael would have passed and Bobby and Athena are now having marital problems AKA mom and dad are fighting.

Hen would be stuck in the middle because she is good friends with both Bobby and Athena. She is also facing her own loss of Nia being returned to her birth mom and doesn't have time for their marital problems but still tries to help. She can also pull from her experiences from the season 1 cheating storyline to tell them to communicate or it'll ruin their relationship (yes i too hate that storyline but it would work here)

Buck would likely (nonverbally) side with Bobby, but he sees them both as parental figures, so he gets stuck in the middle like a middle child who is just going with the flow. This would also parallel the Buck Begins storyline where Buck feels caught in the middle after his parents face a loss.

Chimney is raising a baby and (if this theory is right) worrying about Albert in a coma or recovering from a massive injury. He has no time for their marital problems but still lets Bobby confide in him and gives advice (maybe this is just cause i wanna see the bobby/chim friendship we used to get in s1)

Eddie sides with Bobby but he thinks the whole argument is dumb. He can also offer advice to Bobby based on his own experience, but it's going to be something about communication, at which point Bobby will start ripping his hair out because why won't she just tell me her problems and let me help?

Lastly, when have we ever known the show to go ahead and give a major spoiler of the episode 2 weeks in advance? They let us speculate about Daniel for like 8 months and imo it wasn't as big of a deal as they made it out to be. It seems more likely to me that they offered the promo to get the viewers with a twist ending when the show comes back.

Feel free to share your thoughts if you made it this far lol

TL;DR Based on the interviews Tim has done, Albert dying would have little impact on the 118 as a whole, but Michael dying would offer exactly what they need to set up season 5 and finish 4b.

[deanismysavior]

The line Dean says from 10×16 where he says "There's things, there's people, feelings that I want to experience differently than I have before or maybe even for the first time" so clearly parallels Cas's love confession for me it's sickening. In 15×18 we have Cas saying "I wondered what it could be, what my true happiness could even look like," a clear indicator that this entire season has been about Cas trying to find out what happiness means to him. His conclusion, in finding that his happiness lies in "just saying it" tells us, the viewer, that his journey too, was about experiencing new people and new feelings than he was allowed to before. They are so clearly drawn to the same mission: their arcs are about finding out what it means to truly feel love and to allow oneself to be loved. And this. THIS is what makes their endings so sickeningly devastating.

Cas says, "I could never find an answer because the one thing that I want, it's something I know I can't have," and we know now that it's something they BOTH could never have because their peace was supposed to be in love, in allowing themselves to feel and to accept love.

Dean died bottling up his emotions, pushing aside his grief for Cas and for Jack just like he always did in the beginning. He dies never being able to experience things differently or even for the first time because the only one he has at the end is Sam. His life, his dreams, his emotional maturation is cut short. He dies still believing that Sam was better than him, that he was smarter, that Sam shouldn't have even opened his dorm room door to Dean. He died without learning to truly accept other people's love.

Cas died becoming the martyr, living out his purpose as a sacrifice one more time because that's what he was taught love is: painful, one-sided, a sacrifice. Even when he talks to Jack about love and loss, Cas says, "the point is that they were here at all, that you got to know them" because he expects to be left by everyone he loves. He believes that the point of being a cosmic being is to learn from humans and go on. He lives expecting nothing to ever be reciprocated. He is taught his life is meant to be lonely. He didn't believe he could ever find peace because he didn't think anyone could love him back in that way. He died still believing that the best thing he ever did for Dean was be useful, that even though Dean changed him, he couldn't see how he changed Dean too.

They are so, so clearly paralleled in so many ways: weaponized, made to be obedient, struggling through journeys of faith, and this. ALL of this. All of the emotions and the grappling with themselves, their worth, their identities. They are literally MADE to be counterparts on this Godforsaken show, and now, explicitly it is written that they are meant to be ROMANTIC counterparts, and yet we are supposed to believe that Dean is happy with his ending in heaven where he just waits for his brother for an eternity? We're supposed to believe that Cas is happy rebuilding heaven and doesn't even bother to come greet Dean when he gets there? WHERE is their peace? WHERE IS IT??? All of that character building, all of these parallels, all of this intertangling of emotions, and FOR WHAT?

The biggest slap in the face is that when Cas said he'd never be able to have the one thing he wants, Supernatural showed us that that was true, that he can't have Dean and Dean can't have him and neither of them can be truly happy or find peace with their endings. What the FUCK kind of message is that???

[samwellwinchesterthebrave]

Now for 19. To steal and paraphrase something I saw someone tweet after 19 aired, it was the best if bucklemming times, it was the worst of bucklemming times. But most importantly, it was the last of bucklemming times.

I was so fucking hopeful for 20 after learning bucklemming wrote 19. I kept thinking, how could 20 get screwed up if the worst writers aren't getting anywhere near it? Oh poor innocent naive me.

Anyways, 19. I feel like Chuck disappearing everyone like this is just as much to torture the boys as it is to wipe the slate clean for another try. He'd enjoy it.

Dean's still wearing the coat with Cas's handprint. Oh my heart. Does he later keep that coat, like he did with Cas's trenchcoat? (Not for long, obviously, because of 20 fuckery)

Also Jack praying to Cas, poor baby. 🥺 and Sam feeling like this is all his fault because he was looking for a better way. Oh sweetie, you were doing the dumb right thing.

The anger in Dean's voice, how he has to catch himself, when he tells Chuck he has to bring Cas back. Wow. People who say Dean doesn't reciprocate (whether platonic or romantic) are not paying attention.

Dean's grief, and everybody's helplessness, makes my heart hurt. We've seen before, this is how Dean grieves when he loses someone he loves.

Aww, Dean being so happy to find the dog, proof that Chuck didn't get everything. Maybe there's people too. He attaches to the dog so quick because the loss is so huge. Even Sam is surprised at it. Then Chuck shows it was all a trick, just a cruel piece of entertainment for himself. I mean, the signs of Chuck's cruelty have been there all along in the show but season 15 is really highlighting them.

Oooh, Michael and Dean parallels. And wow, Michael was the one who seeded God's image on Earth was a hell of a reveal. Because he loved his father and believed he would return.

Also, how much of Michael's willingness to help is related to the fact that Chuck killed Adam? He seems to genuinely mourn his loss.

If only Death can open the book, can Jack open it? He's been killing plants as like, an aura around himself. Is he a kind of Death now?

Okay the prank call from Lucifer. (Misha deserved better than to have this as his last credit). I'm screaming about reciprocation again and so is the context of this. Because Lucifer has a gimmick when he wants in. Every single time, he's pretended to be his target's significant other. Why Cas if no reciprocation? Why lamp??? Also, Jensen, your acting choices sir. The way he threw himself of the step and up the stairs. Dean desperately wanted it to be Cas. And the wide eyes at seeing Lucifer are an "oh shit lucifer" and "holy fuck i almost through myself into lucifer's arms". Also, wtf is Lucifer doing here? Where did he come from? And every time I see Sam react to seeing Lucifer, I just want to hug him and slap Lucifer. Jared is really good at portraying Sam's panic and memories of pain and trauma and the barely holding it together attitude every time Sam sees Lucifer. It's so good and so heartbreaking.

I don't trust Betty.

"Not to humanity" as Lucifer gestures at Dean. Also Jensen, what is that look there. Acting choices sir.

Well, Betty was funny. And, of course, Lucifer is an asshole. Of course. And good for you, Michael, I bet that was satisfying. It all brings me back to Swan Song. It's an ending of the first cycle of the show. It's actually lovely writing.

Oooh, little thing, but every time Dean has a heart to heart like this with another character, if he gets himself a beer he gets the other person a beer. He didn't for Michael. Excellent piece of character traits for Dean. Also foreshadowing

Doing the dumb right thing, even if it involves getting your ass kicked by God. Oh my heart, poor boys.

Oooooh, Chuck was the architect of his own demise. Had he not sent Lucifer, thereby making Michael betray the Winchesters, which led to Michael's death, and not beaten up the Winchesters, Jack wouldn't have absorbed all that power to be able to beat him. A delicious irony in that.

Dean using what Cas told him to be better than what Chuck intended for him. To know, soul deep, he is not just a killer, soldier, a trigger finger.

Also, the boys' speech to Chuck about his end is very, very similar to the end in 20. *side eyes Dabb*

I'm so proud of Jack. Also awww Miracle. Awww, the bunker is Jack's home. But I am so sad that he leaves. That was a sweet goodbye and I think Jack is going to be a better god than Chuck. But why didn't Dean ask to bring Cas back? Why didn't Jack bring Cas back to Earth? (I'm ignoring what Bobby said in 20 because Cas should have gone to Earth)

Aww, the shot of the names on the table. Castiel spelled out so no Cass vs Cas controversy lol.

Okay, I say this without any irony or sarcasm or anything. But that was the best episode bucklemming has ever written. Oh wow, that ending montage was perfect. This episode tied up the show in a satisfying manner. Even though things weren't addressed, there is room for them to be addressed. Should we see those things? Absolutely. Was there weird shit? It's Supernatural, of course there was. But I would accept this as an okay final episode to Supernatural.

Huh. 1 point to you, bucklemming. One point.

[shittyelfwriter]

Stay Alive

Pairing: established Castiel x fem!reader

Word count: 3100-ish

Summary: After the events of a day that is a strong contestant for the worst of your lives, you and your partner take a moment to process some of the damage. Coda for 15x01 “Back and to the Future”.

Warnings: Angst that is consistent with the episode, mostly hurt/comfort

A/N: Obviously this episode wreaked havoc on my poor Cas loving heart. Was he a badass? Yes. Was he treated like shit? Also yes. Is the title a reference to the Hamilton soundtrack because while I was writing this I thought of the Stay Alive (reprise) and drew death-of-a-child parallels? Also also yes. I wrote this in half an hour, hopefully it’s not crap but the fire of my emotions really got me going and I went into a frenzy.

More of my writing (masterlist)

You saw the moment that Dean approached Cas from a distance. You’d just tossed your FBI jacket in the back of the Impala and broached the practical subject with Sam of finding something for dinner when you saw the few terse moments of interaction. You only caught the tail end of it, had seen rather than heard Dean say good, and then that was all. No comfort was offered, no physical reassurance, none of the warmth or solidarity you’d seen him and Sam exchanging earlier. Granted, they were brothers. Perhaps that just came with the territory. But you knew Dean was shunning Cas, you knew why, and you were internally furious with the man. You wanted to scream at him up and down the street for the way he was treating the angel, who had just experienced perhaps the most emotionally tolling loss of his existence, barring his falling away from Heaven and its tenets.

You’d lost Jack. Again.

Cas had lost his son, you all had, and here was Dean, still holding a grudge over Castiel’s head like a weapon. You knew that losing their mom was a hard hit. Mary’s death had been Jack’s fault, one way or another, and Cas had been protecting Jack. Dean was unwilling to forgive that mistake—if you could even be so bold as to call it that. Could protecting your child from the ire of another adult (and one likely to take aggressive action at that) really qualify as a mistake? It seemed like something any parent would do, especially when the matter of blame wasn’t really a clear cut thing.

Dean was grieving, obviously; and so far, he was coping with that by treating Cas like dirt and shunning him in all the ways that mattered. You needed to all pull together, to be a team in every sense to face what you were up against— dealing with three billion ghosts wasn’t going to be any sort of cakewalk, and then there was the fact that you were all hoping that Sam’s theory about Chuck dipping out of your universe were true, and that he wasn’t cooking up some fresh bullshit somewhere on Earth, under the radar.

But Cas was grieving too, and why Dean couldn’t see that and understand and maybe grant a little bit of mercy on the angel who had given so much to be standing at their side in the face of the wrath of his own father and creator was just a little too much for you to choke down. And to top it all off, a slap in all of your faces was the fact that as the gates of hell were opened, a demon had hopped skipped and jumped right into Jack’s still warm corpse.

And then Dean—and Sam, which made it suck even more—had insisted that Cas wasn’t allowed to chase the damned thing out. Nor were you, you were quickly told, when you’d bristled alongside your partner. To add insult to injury, the demon, who apparently went by Belphegor, was overtly cheery and made every attempt at camaraderie—which was just uncomfortable and grating, considering whose face he was wearing and under what circumstances. Both you and Cas were on edge every time he was around, but rushing away from what looked like Jack felt foreign, wrong. It was awful.

You weren’t gonna pick a fight with Dean, not today. Even though part of you wanted to chew the man out and give him a good piece of your mind, you yourself were exhausted. You’d been running on air for days, the only thing keeping you going had been fresh adrenaline and the need to keep moving. You had two days within the barrier Belphegor—if that really was who he was—had raised around the town before the real feds showed up. That was long enough to allow a few hours of rest, you figured, striding over to the angel before he could slink away from the scene feeling completely unwanted and alone.

You slipped your hand in his, and squeezed gently. “Hey.” It was a simple greeting, far too simple, but it was loaded with meaning. I saw. I know. I’m on the same page with you. You’re not alone.

A slight moment of hesitation later and he squeezed back, your heart warming at his attempt to reciprocate. “Hey,” he replied, voice even more gravelly than usual—a tell tale sign of emotional overload. His attention immediately focused in on you, as if grateful for a distraction from everything hurting him. “Are you alright?” He asked, other hand moving to rest on your arm, as he looked you over for any injuries he might have missed on his last visual inspection after the chaos had settled, anything he could heal. Anything he could fix, something he could make better for you. You offered him a small, watery smile.

“No,” you replied softly, and he knew you meant more than just a physical pain. He could see it in your eyes, the loss that he felt mirrored there. “But neither are you,” you added, a hand slipping up to his cheek, smoothing a thumb over his jaw. You saw that look flit through his eyes, the one that meant he felt like he didn’t deserve your sympathy, that he was beginning to believe that Dean’s anger was righteously placed upon him. Don’t do that, you prayed silently at him. Don’t you dare take his cold shoulder to heart. He’s hurting too. We all are. Give him time.

He drew a shaky breath, stepping into you, pressing closer like he needed the contact as reassurance. “I just…I can’t…” he fumbled for words, casting a glance over at the demon wearing your son’s body as a vessel, his expression distraught and angry and broken. You knew how he felt; it was a cruel taunt for Jack’s body to be walking and talking and filled with something so unholy when you’d lost him so recently—so recently, that you hadn’t even had a moment to slow down and process it.

“I know.” Your voice broke, tears filling your eyes. “I hate it too, Cas. I hate it so much.” You’d both lost Jack before, the first time he’d died. You’d grieved him, commemorated him, and you’d done it as a family. Now, it seemed that that wasn’t a luxury that would be afforded to him a second time, whether it be because Sam and Dean were too angry at his involvement in Mary’s death or the functionality of his body playing host to an unexpected freeloader. It was cruel, and impossible to fully come to terms with. You felt tears burning behind your eyes, a thick lump in your throat. He had deserved so much better.

You took a deep breath of your own, and a step back. “Come on, angel. I’ve got zombie guts on me and we’re gonna need to set up a base of operations. Let’s go.”

Whether it were just the example of a universal constant or instead the ever present influence of Chuck’s handiwork was unclear, but there was a motel just down the street from the high school where the rest of the town was holed up. It was just as mediocre as any motel you’d been in over the years, but it might as well have been the Ritz-Carlton because it was safe and quiet and had running hot water. Sam and Dean were wrapping things up with the locals and law enforcement and then making a stop wherever they could to scrounge up some food stuffs, and the demon—and more importantly, Jack’s body—would be with them until they got back. The only upside was that it left you with a short while alone with Cas where rude comments or just general harshness wouldn’t be flung at him.

Throwing the lock on the door and tugging yourself out of your jacket was thankfully routine, because you were barely even functional at this point. You felt like you were in a daze, like none of this were real; perhaps just a bad dream, wherein you were drained, completely and emotionally wrecked. Cas didn’t seem much better off, standing in the middle of the room like he didn’t know quite what to do with himself. You couldn’t blame him, but it still broke your heart when you saw him casting his eyes around, like a bird trapped in a cage. He wanted to run, to find something to fight, to get away from what he was feeling, it it wasn’t really what he needed. You knew him well enough by now to know that. Because as much as he wanted to escape it all, he didn’t want to be alone, either.

You tugged him by the hand when you went to shower, gently inviting him in with you. He didn’t need to, obviously, and it wasn’t going to be glamorous after the week you’d had, but it was a routine of your relationship, a little bit of constancy, normalcy. Being close was a comfort, one he needed too, and some privacy after all that had happened was welcome. You weren’t surprised when halfway through the shower your tears started free flowing. Even once you were clean, he just held you in his arms under the warm water, the two of you anchoring to each other in the middle of the storm. Nothing was said; neither of you were ready yet, your hearts too heavy. But by the time you’d pulled on clean clothes and tumbled into the shitty motel bed together, curling into one another like you couldn’t be separated, you found some.

“I know it’s stupid to say ‘it’s not fair’.” Your voice was soft, even in the quiet. His face was buried against your neck, breathing soft against your skin. He was holding onto you like a lifeline, like you were all that was keeping him tethered to reality instead of tumbling headfirst into his grief. Maybe you were, but he was doing the same for you. “But it’s not. And I hate it. And maybe we were never meant to win, or be safe, or be happy in Chuck’s story. But dammit.” Your voice broke, tears strangling you as you clenched your trembling hands. “I wanted Jack to have better than this. I didn’t want him to be just another person we cared about and lost, because he was so much more than that.”

“It’s my fault.” The words rumbled through you, and you felt your chest tighten. “I was supposed to protect him, and all I ever did was fail at it.” He let out a huff, a slight sardonic attempt at a laugh. “I lost him once and swore I’d never let it happen again, and I still failed.”

“No it’s not. It’s not your fault,” you countered, insisted. “It’s not. Do you honestly think there is anything we know of now that we could have done to protect him from Chuck? From God, himself? We were completely blindsided. We thought Dean was the threat.”

“We were wrong.” You knew Castiel had given up on his father a long time ago, but this was the kind of wound that took that to an entirely different level.

“I hate him.” You didn’t have to say who, you knew Cas could feel your intent. Chuck, God, whatever you called him he was a cruel, sadistic motherfucker and you wished you’d never had the misfortune of meeting your Maker. You could also tell, with the way Cas’ arms tightened around you, that he agreed, and that scared him a little.

“It should have been me.” Even though it wasn’t the first time you’d heard him say that, especially about Jack, it still it made your pulse skip a beat in panic. “If anyone deserved to die, like that, it’s me. I’ve done things to be worthy of my father’s wrath. Jack was”—his voice broke, and your heart shattered into even smaller pieces, fresh tears poring from the corners of your eyes—“Jack was so young. He was just trying his best. All of this, what he is—was—was so confusing, overwhelming. People tried to take advantage of him left and right.  Lucifer, Dumah, even Dean…” You could feel in his words how betrayed he still felt by Dean’s choice to try and lock Jack away. “He was just a child. He was meant for so much more.”

“That doesn’t mean it should have been you.” You felt him nuzzle deeper into your hair, hiding his face from the world. “Cas, listen to me. I would have taken a bullet for that boy myself, any day of the week. I would have gladly died to keep him here, with you.”

“Don’t say that.” You could heat the panic lacing his voice, even in a whisper. “Don’t you dare say that, don’t even think it.” He drew back enough to fix you with a pleading look, and you were shocked to see his eyes swimming in tears. “For a moment I thought that he was going to—you were standing right there, not even six paces from him and I was so afraid that he’d just snap again and you’d be…”

That he’d kill you, too.

You hadn’t even paused to consider he might have been afraid of that.

“Oh, Cas.” You took his face in your hands, pressing your lips to his. I’m sorry, you amended in prayer. I didn’t mean it like that. He kissed you back, desperate, hands grasping at your hips and pulling you into him. Like he couldn’t be close enough, like he needed you very, very near to be sure that you were still actually there. “When he said ‘story’s over’ I thought he was going to kill us all right then and there,” you confessed, when you broke for air.

“I thought he might, too,” Cas agreed. His eyes fell away from yours. “I almost don’t know what to do now that he’s just…left us here.”

“We’ll figure it out,” you told him, smoothing a hand over his shoulder. “We always do. We’ll find a way to get through this.”

There was a long pause, wherein he didn’t argue with you but he didn’t agree, either. When he glanced back up at you, there was a strange look in his eyes.

“Promise me something.”

“What?” You asked, concern grabbing at your heart as you hoped he wouldn’t ask something impossible. Something like don’t sacrifice yourself for me, because you didn’t know if you could stop yourself, if it came down to it.

“Promise me you won’t start to hate me, too.” It surprised you, but he seemed serious.

“Why on earth would I hate you?” You asked, bewildered and almost exasperated in your state of exhaustion. “I love you, Castiel. I trust you more than anyone, more than even Sam and Dean—especially with the way they’re treating you right now.”

“Because that’s what happens when I care about people.” He held your face in his hand, the gentle caress of his thumb serving to make you even more sleepy. “Maybe it’s because of what I am. Maybe angels really aren’t meant to love anyone, because it always seems to end badly when emotions are involved.”

“I think that’s just part of being alive, love,” you told him, your eyes fluttering closed as you leaned into his touch. Some part of your chest felt hollow with that familiar feeling of loss, but with him by your side, you didn’t have to bear it alone. “It’s not your fault. Life is just unkind like that sometimes, and people make choices that can hurt you.” You sighed, and looked up at him. “I’ve loved you long enough, through enough, to know that I’m not going anywhere, angel. If there’s one person you don’t have to worry about losing, it’s me.” You paused, and you could literally feel that you were both thinking the same thing. “Not by choice, anyway,” you added quietly. Death was an eventuality, you knew, but for tonight, you’d like to think it would come later rather than sooner—in spite of the odds of your current predicament, which didn’t seem to lend much to that hope.

But a promise was what he had asked for, not for you to defy fate. He nodded, seeming content for now with that answer. There was only so much reassurance could do for either of you at that moment, anyway. Part of you wanted to promise him that you’d get Jack back, that you were family, that you’d done it once before and you’d do it again. That the two of you together would move Heaven and Earth if you needed to, to fix this. But could you? Could you repair what had been done, when you were up against the Creator’s will?

It was all too much, far too much for your muddled, sleep deprived brain. You found your eyes kept slipping shut of their own accord, despite you willing yourself awake to keep your partner company. But he knew better than you did how exhausted you were, and he rolled over beside you, pulling you to rest on his chest, your ear over his heartbeat.

“We have just about two hours until Sam and Dean return with something to eat,” he told you, and you didn’t have it in you to argue. You reached for his hand as he pulled the blanket up over your shoulders the way you liked it. “Sleep while you can, and I’ll watch over you.”

You murmured your thanks, sending a wave of love his way in lieu of words. You felt his other hand cradle your head, a kiss pressed into your hair. As you drifted into unconsciousness, you thought you heard him quietly say something about protecting you at all costs, that you were the only thing he had left—but maybe that was just your exhaustion getting the better of you, one thought lingering in your mind as sleep rushed to greet you with the sweet promise of relief from your heartache.

We’ll keep each other alive.

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[miss-spooky-eyes]

Too Much Information: Character Interview

I was tagged by @verbose-vespertine​ and thought I’d give it a go ...

► Name ➔  “I have many titles, but only one name: Ellezhi." ► Are you single ➔  “I am ... not." ► Are you happy ➔  “I don't believe happiness is the goal of a Jedi. Nor is it readily compatible with a life lived at the forefront of a galactic war. But there are things - people - in my life which bring me so much joy.” ► Are you angry ➔  “I experience anger, but I try not to embrace it.” ► Are your parents still married ➔ “I have no information about my biological parents. I was told a Chiss woman arranged for me to be smuggled into Republic space as an infant, but whether or not she was my mother, or what happened to her afterwards, I can’t say."

NINE FACTS ► Birth Place ➔ “Somewhere in the Chiss Ascendancy, presumably." ► Hair Color ➔  “A very dark midnight blue. Almost black.” ► Eye Color ➔  “Red, naturally.” ► Birthday ➔ “Birthdays are not, strictly speaking, a Jedi custom. Besides, I don’t know what mine is.” ► Mood ➔ “I am focused.” ► Gender ➔ “Female.” ► Summer or winter ➔ “It depends on the planet, surely. But as a general rule, winter. I like the cold.” ► Morning or afternoon ➔ “Afternoon. I like mellow light, shadows, twilight, dusk.”

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE ► Are you in love ➔ “I find such terminology very imprecise, even inadequate to the connection I share with – That is, I do feel love towards – But of course, it's different with – I’m sorry, I’m not very adept at discussing such things. Did you clear this question with my advisor Lana? “She said what? “What kind of smile?" ► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ “It’s certainly possible to feel a very strong connection with another person at first sight, or first sense. But love only comes when you choose to pursue and explore that connection.” ► Who ended your last relationship ➔ “I have no romantic history. Er, before recently, that is.” ► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ “I’ve made decisions that have disappointed people I counted as allies and friends – and I have had, at times, to reject the overtures of those who perhaps hoped for a romantic entanglement – gently, I hope. But I don’t believe I could be said to have broken any hearts, no." ► Are you afraid of commitments ➔ “A Jedi must have the most serious commitment.” ► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ “I have.” ► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ “No, not to my knowledge.” ► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ “I’ve made choices which have led to much loss and grief, for me and for others. But in a romantic context, no. Until the last couple of years, my heart was - in that sense - untouched. “And now? It’s in the hands of someone who takes immense care of it. And of me.”

SIX CHOICES ► Love or lust ➔ “Lust is purely concerned with one's own gratification; love is the means by which we perceive a reality beyond ourselves. “What do you mean, she said I’d say something like that? "It was not a Jedi platitude! “Well, perhaps it was a somewhat sanctimonious answer. Can you erase it? “I'll just say 'Love.'" ► Lemonade or iced tea ➔ “Lemonade.” ► Cats or dogs ➔ “There’s much to appreciate about both. I don’t share some humanoids’ obsession with domesticated animals, however.” ► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ “In my experience, allies and comrades can be plentiful, but friends in whom you can truly confide are rare and precious." ► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ “Opportunities for peaceful evenings in the right company are few and far between. And consequently not to be missed.” ► Day or night ➔ “Night. Solitude. Privacy. Peace.”

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS ► Been caught sneaking out ➔ “Of an Imperial base or two. But only very occasionally.” ► Fallen down/up the stairs ➔ "I invariably trip on stairs when wearing full Jedi robes or anything formal that involves... Length. I have been reliably informed that my clumsiness is 'adorable'. It certainly seems to generate much amusement." ► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ "'All desire is pain. All pain is desire.' "Yes, it's from a treatise on parallels and divergences between the moral codes of the Jedi and the Sith as applied to battlefield situations. "Yes, the same Lana Beniko.” ► Wanted to disappear ➔ "An amusing question to ask an adept of Jedi stealth disciplines. It's true that as a child I wanted not to be seen. I still feel that urge. But I do not crave non-being, if that’s what you mean."

FOUR PREFERENCES ► Smile or eyes ➔ "What a choice. I'll say 'smile'. Because you can generally always see someone's eyes when you're talking to them, but if that person's smile is rare - and lovely - it's like an unexpected gift, every time." ► Shorter or Taller ➔ "Why not the same height?" ► Intelligence or Attraction ➔ "The latter is unthinkable without the former." ► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ "Relationship. Although I do see the appeal in more fleeting liaisons."

FAMILY ► Do you and your family get along ➔ "As a Jedi, all living beings are my family.  Which is to say ... no, not always." ► Would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔ "I live an unusual life. Not one which I would have envisaged for myself when I first left the Temple. But I accept it. It helps to remember that it is a product of my choices which in turn are rooted in my nature. I've shaped this existence for myself as much as it has been determined by circumstances." ► Have you ever ran away from home ➔ "Never. As a child I only ever wanted to be among the Jedi." ► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ "Of a speeding landspeeder on Tatooine  by an unusually enterprising Tusken Raider. He was encouraged to see the error of his ways shortly afterwards."

FRIENDS ► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ "No." ► Do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ "Being both a Jedi and a leader encourages people to bring their troubles to you but can make reciprocity challenging. And I'm a private person. I don't share my innermost thoughts with many." ► Who is your best friend ➔"The woman with whom I share my life, naturally. Theron Shan is another of my most trusted advisors, and I believe we’ve become closer since ... recent events. I've been lucky enough to reconnect with my former padawan Nadai Grell, too. I would confide in all of them." ► Who knows everything about you ➔ "Who can ever know everything about another living being? We remain great mysteries to each other no matter how closely we are drawn together. On the other hand, there's someone who knows me well enough to find the idea of my being required to answer questions like these extremely... amusing.  I imagine she's listening in on us right now. Say hello, Lana."

*

Who can I tag who hasn’t already done this for all their characters? What about @swtorpadawan​ and your Agent?

[naruhearts]

It’s Never Too Late to Start All Over Again

Now that @profoundzine Vol. 1 has been shipped out and released, public restrictions are lifted! I can finally share my published meta piece from the zine (written before S14 ended/14x20 aired. Now preconceived notions of FREE WILL and what constitutes it are being challenged re: TFW + Destiel, but I’ll tackle that next time!! We’re coming FULL CIRCLE here!). 

Accompanying artwork: the lovely @thedogsled who also tirelessly worked with me in editing this meta <3

- - -

Darkness. The phone call.  The glimpse of trench coat. And then there was light.

Cas’ emotive resurrection in 13.05 surprised general audiences, although no one was as shaken as Dean Winchester. The complex journey of these two men is one for the history books. It’s a narrative tango knitting them together like two intrinsic gravitational forces that found their match.

Castiel has come a long way since he first raised the Righteous Man from perdition. His very touch upon Humanity - in the form of the iconic handprint adorning Dean’s left shoulder - had sparked his Fall, and from that point on did Castiel’s self-democracy proliferate in the following ten years. His already humanistic predisposition warred with his sense of duty as the Angel of the Lord, yet Dean remained his one fixture of reason, anchoring him to human nature.

But let’s hit pause first. Rewind the tape to 4.01: Lazarus Rising. The episode title itself conveys the circular metaphor of human life, where Lazarus, the dead man of Biblical antiquity, lives again. Life is made up of flux, not permanence. The natural order of change wholly applies to personal human growth.

Dean’s starting point traces back to May 2, 1983 - the night John Winchester sent Dean on his first mission: take care of Sammy. Their Lawrence house is engulfed by yellow flame, and Mary Winchester burns. Mary’s death created her son Dean’s 14-year bildungsroman rife with many personal obstacles.

Dean then gets older. Embodying John’s ways of the Hunter, he internalizes selflessness, isolation, and wary pessimism against an evil world. Detachment is key. There’s no room for error, intimacy, or vacations on the beach with umbrella drinks and his toes in the sand - the latter a canonically ideal future that Dean let himself envision in 13.18.

Such Hunter ways cost him.

Toxic codependency offsets Dean’s repressive upbringing with Sam as the prioritized source of his personal bonds. Toxic coping mechanisms and emotional misarticulation govern his behaviour. Emotional dysregulation cripples his decision-making.

Dean is alone.

Then, on September 18th, 2008, Castiel meets Dean Winchester for the first time.

It happens fast. Sparks literally fly between the two men, with Dean frozen to the spot in simultaneous surprise and fear. After scathing words of disbelief are thrown in Castiel’s direction, the angel then offers his charge a perception that his charred soul never disclosed to anyone else: Dean doesn’t think he deserves to be saved.

He has been saved. By Castiel. And this is the unexpectedly beautiful outcome of Dean’s first rebirth: Castiel himself becomes the catalytic vehicle for his emancipation. Self-change starts from within, but Castiel lays important groundwork for Dean’s self-change. In other words, while Dean offers him free will, Cas offers Dean a compelling path: freedom to love himself.

During Supernatural’s 4th season run, we enter the newly minted age of Christian mythology. In Lazarus Rising, Castiel turns out to be an enigma of a creature: stoic, exclusively duty-bound, and having and wanting very little to do with human socialization. He’s on Earth for one purpose, and one purpose only: as an Angel of the Lord, Castiel obediently spouts rhetoric about the commands of On High - God’s plan. “Dean Winchester is saved,” announces Castiel, and the iconic phrase, in retrospect, holds no meaningful connotations. It is devoid of personality, with pure utilitarianism painting Dean as the means to an end.

Due to God’s absence, the 4th and 5th seasons show Heaven’s angels creating an authoritarian hierarchy. Dean and Castiel, both seeking their absent fathers, finally seem to be treading common ground with each other. In 4.07 the concept of free will - Humanity’s core strength - is introduced into Castiel’s narrative through Dean himself, where the hammer becomes the consistent metaphor for both Castiel and Dean’s automatic birth into subservience.

CASTIEL: We have no choice.

DEAN: Of course you have a choice. I mean, come on, what? You’ve never questioned a crap order, huh? What are you [...], just a couple of hammers?

Dean and Castiel also have their first intimate discussion. The audience observes that Castiel is opening himself up to Dean on the park bench, expressing his own vulnerability as he corrects Dean’s unfavourable impressions of him.

“I am not here to judge you, Dean,” Castiel says. “You misunderstand me [...] I am not like you think [...] I’m not a...hammer, as you say. I have questions. I have doubts.”

x

Castiel gripped duty in his palm. He has been subservient for years. And yet, from the point of first contact with his charge in Lazarus Rising, Season 4 wraps Dean and Castiel’s character arcs together - combines them into an extensive parallel narrative with self-actualization as their endgame.

Dean Humanity Winchester and Castiel then engage in their own scheherazade, each personal chapter shifting indelibly from reluctant allies to tentative acquaintances to fervent friendship to...something else.

Something profound.

Thibaut and Kelly, two prominent sociologists who brought interdependence to the forefront of healthy human relationship behaviour, would be flabbergasted with the potency of it in Dean and Castiel’s increasingly complex relationship.

Interdependence - known as the melting pot of dependence, respect, fairness, reciprocity, commitment, attraction, and satisfaction - unfurls between Dean and Castiel over ten years as the product of their personal development. Through trial and error, they decide that interdependence is achievable.

Their relationship has value.

And we observe how much Dean and Castiel value their deep friendship (heavily romance-coded relationship) numerous times. The classic mixtape of 12.19 is an illuminating example speaking to Dean’s perception of his relationship with Castiel. Audiences realize that mixtape gifting - long regarded as a conventionally romantic gesture - occurs between them offscreen, silently yet significantly indicating their closeness, and Dean rebuffs Castiel’s attempt to return it.

CASTIEL: Sorry Dean. I just wanted to return this.

DEAN: It’s a gift. You keep those.

The mixtape ‘Dean’s Top 13 Led Zepp Tra xx’ holds a major position in Dean and Castiel’s romantic narrative. Paralleling immortal elf Arwen gifting her necklace to human heir Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings when she tells him to keep it, the romantic symbolism of Dean’s mixtape is a testament to the interdependence surrounding Dean and Castiel, where Dean strips himself emotionally - shares the personal facets of himself - through music, Supernatural’s consistent medium for feelings and desires. Led Zeppelin, comprising the original soundtrack of Mary and John Winchester’s love story, forges an intergenerational romantic connection to their eldest son’s own life with the mixtape’s existence.

Now, Castiel coming back from the dead in Season 13 was nothing short of miraculous. His phone call to Dean harked back to Dean’s 4.01 resurrection in that after calling Bobby, returning to his family was tantamount. Yet Castiel’s own phone call is tinged with intimate quietness: the show does not expose what Castiel says to Dean. Privacy shields their conversation.

13.05 further transfixes audiences, because the narrative flow from Dean’s nihilistic grief pre-resurrection to optimism post-resurrection is blatant and deliberate. An emotional narrative rollercoaster, Dean’s internal state performs a rapid 180 over the course of the episode. The show takes much care in distinguishing the intense magnitude of grief between Dean and his younger brother Sam, where Sam’s positive functionality keeps up in the face of their recent personal losses (Castiel and Mary). Dean, however, internalizes these losses as extreme failures. Sam’s intentions to pull Dean out of self-destructiveness involve Dean’s usual performative coping mechanisms: ‘booze, bullets, and bacon’, but they are super unsuccessful this time around. Dean is not fine, and he subsequently backslides; his grieving psyche quickly spirals into depressive nihilism. Sam’s presence is no longer enough to stabilize Dean, and 13.05 contrasts him to Castiel, who is narratively defined as Dean’s anchor - his singular fixture of faith.

SAM: So now, you don’t believe anymore.

DEAN: I just need a win. I just need a damn win.

Sam and Dean are both affected by Castiel’s death, yet Season 13 minutely focuses on the narrative fact that one of these things is not like the other.

Love and...Love.

Indeed, Castiel is later framed as restoring light to Dean’s life; the visual narrative of bright lampposts permeating the dark of night - alongside the blue cross of faith - establishes the episode’s romantic context. The rich, tangible ambience of close-up camera shots between Dean and Cas, soft awash colours, and Steppenwolf’s It’s Never Too Late purposely evokes intimacy when the Destiel reunion finally takes place.

In 13.05 the show also reiterates the role of music in storytelling.

Tell me who's to say after all is done And you're finally gone, you won't be back again You can find a way to change today You don't have to wait 'til then It's never too late to start all over again To love the people you caused the pain And help them learn your name It's never too late to start all over again

Steppenwolf croons their relationship’s truth as Dean steps out of the Impala and locks eyes with Castiel at the telephone booth, no longer dead but alive.

Dean’s win.

The reunion is also both Dean and Castiel’s personal rebirth, where they are given the chance to push the boundaries of friendship - to enter an interpersonal relationship that features honesty and communication (represented by the telephone booth). 13.05 conveys their narrative aim to rectify the mistakes of their past. As Steppenwolf puts it simply, it’s time to love those they caused pain to. Know one another better. Practice interdependence.

Castiel later exchanges hugs with Sam in 13.06, which carries over the narrative interplay of familial versus romantic-coded interaction from 13.05. “I don’t know what to say”, Sam says. Dean, considerably more dumbstruck, states: “I do”, evoking wedding vows in that marriage is traditionally the lovers’ new beginning.

“Welcome home, pal”, Dean then murmurs, his wondrous green eyes wide. And he wraps Castiel in a crushing hug.

Dean is Castiel’s home.

Today, they are poised to navigate the waters of personal development in Season 14 by changing their internal dialogue. You know how the saying goes - you can’t freely love another person nor engage in a proper intimate relationship without loving yourself first. In Supernatural, Dean and Castiel are each other’s anchor for finding self-acceptance.

And like Lazarus, they are repeatedly reborn into the circular orbit of love.

[blueboxesandtrafficcones]

DW Inbox Buddies daily prompts

I suppose you could say that I took @dwinboxbuddies daily prompts and ran with them - I wrote something for all but 3 days.  Each was an individual, unconnected story, but I’ve consolidated them here and formatted as they were meant to be.

Gifts for @starry-nightflyer

9/1 - Run

It was the most romantic kiss of Rose’s life.  Even with an audience of 200, the Doctor still poured all his love for her into it, and she responded in kind, despite the wolf whistles.  Pulling back, he searched for the perfect word to start their new life.  In the end, only one could do.  His right hand took her left, and her eyes sparkled as she understood.  “Run.”  He whispered, and they dashed from the altar, down the aisle, and out into the bright sunshine of the rest of their life.

9/2 – Stargazing

Lying on the mansion roof watching the stars twinkle above her, Rose wished for home.  It had been years, now, and her human mind was starting to forget; forget the exact shade of brown his eyes became in the privacy of their bedroom; forget the precise sound of the TARDIS landing.  As she did every night, she picked a star, closed her eyes, and made a wish.  Looking up at the stars, she bolted upright.  Did that star just go out?

9/4 – Holding Hands

The grief and devastation was so unbearable, it was difficult for Rose to feel anything other than the profound sense of loss.  It is not until later, after Norway, after ‘no touch’, after ‘Rose Tyler-‘, that she realizes what she misses most.  Having a hand – his hand – to hold.

9/5 – Sweet

Rose laughed, watching the Doctor and Tony compete for the bigger milkshake moustache.  Soon enough, Tony was declared the victor, and he ran off to claim his prize of time on the playset, leaving Rose to soothe the Doctor’s pout.  The sweet taste of his kiss had nothing to do with the remains of his banana milkshake.

9/6 – In the TARDIS

“It’s going to be all right, Rose,” the Doctor promised.  

“We’re quite literally strung up like a pig at a luau Doctor – how is it going to be okay?!”

“The sonic can cut through these ropes in about ten seconds.”

“Well, then, use it, would you?  We’re running out of time!”

“Uh…”  “Please don’t say it’s broken!”

“No, it’s fine – it’s in the pocket of my jacket.”

“And where is that?”

“Um, in the TARDIS?”

“Doctor!”

9/7 – Cooking a meal

A gentle nudge from the TARDIS woke Rose.  “What is it? What’s wrong?”  She asked the ship, who gave off a slightly alarmed hum followed by a muted imitation of a smoke alarm.  

Grabbing her dressing gown, Rose shuffled to the galley to find it filled with smoke and her husband coughing by the oven.  

He looked up to see her, arms crossed and frowning, and chuckled weakly.  “Happy birthday?”

9/8 – Break

“Doctor?”  

“Yes, Rose?”  

“So, I’ve been on board for a few weeks now.”  

“Yeah?”  

“Is there anything, I dunno, else?”  

“Else?  Rose Tyler, what more could you possibly want?!”  

“You’ve got a timeship.”

“Yeah.”  

“Unlimited credit anywhere but Earth.”  

“I do.”  

“Do you think – can we take a break?”  

“A break?  From what?  Why?”

“Because, Doctor, I want to go shopping on an alien planet.”

“Fine.  But we’re going to America’s Black Friday, year 4263. Worst ever.”

“Challenge accepted.”

9/9 – Ocean

They stand side by side, staring out at the ocean.  “The house is nice.”  Rose tells him.  “Torchwood’s not bad, not with Pete in charge.”  

“What are you saying?” He asks.  

“Just that it’s not a bad life.”  She looks up at him.  

He smiles down at her, offering “Better with two, though?”  

She laughs. “Yep.  Know why?”  

“Cause there’s you?”  

She takes his hand, reaffirming, “Forever.”  

“Stuck with you – that’s not so bad.”  He tells her, and she can’t resist; she kisses him.

9/10 – I can’t believe you’re back here

“I can’t believe you’re back here.”  Rose found her new husband hiding in the kitchen, downing handfuls of nibbles.  

“Needed a breather.” He shrugged.  

“Well, how about instead of the kitchen where we’ll be found, we take a very large slice of our wedding cake and go sit outside and stare at the stars?”  She suggested.  

“Brilliant, you are.” He told her seriously as she plated the cake.  

She got a good grip on the plate, and held out her hand.

“Run?”  

“Run!”  He agreed.  

They ran.

9/11 – Kiss

They kissed in all kinds of ways now, for every possible reason.  Hello.  See you later (never goodbye).  Good morning. Good night.  Light pecks, passionate snogs.  Rose’s favorite, she quickly discovered, were the ‘just because’ ones.  Especially when the Doctor initiated.  Nothing made the butterflies take off like when he would pull her close and give her a sweet kiss.  If she questioned it, he would simply shrug and say, “Because I can, Rose.  Because I can.”

9/12 – Angry

One of the side effects of being part Donna, he’d noticed, was being far quicker to anger when he was dismissed out of hand.  Centuries of being the smartest person in the room meant he used to ignore doubters; now, he had a tendency to start shouting.  Many times, especially in his first six months, Rose would have to pull him away before fisticuffs could start.  After every instance, he would grieve for his best friend, and all she lost because of the metacrisis.

9/13 – On an alien planet

One foot out of the TARDIS, Rose stopped to stare, transfixed.  “It’s beautiful,” she breathed.  

The Doctor smiled down at her.  “Glad you like it.”  

“An alien planet.  My first alien planet!”  She bounced on the balls of her feet.  “Thank you!”  

She threw her arms around him, and he reciprocated automatically, admitting, “Anything for you.”  

“So, where are we?”  

“S’called Woman Wept.”

“It looks like it’s all ice and snow.”  

“It is.”  

“Can we ice skate?”  

He smiled in response.

9/14 – Getting arrested

“I’m sorry.”  

Silence.  

“Rose, really, I am.”

Still no response.  

He keeps trying.  

“It’s not like this is the first time we’ve been arrested.  And, actually, this is one of the nicer jails.  I remember one time-” and off he goes, trying to talk the stony glare off her face.

“Doctor?”  

“Yes, love?”

“I don’t mind getting arrested for a good reason – breaking a law, as protest, what have you.”  

“But?”

“Never again get us arrested for stealing bananas.”  

“Yes, dear.”

9/15 – Again

He was regenerating again. Rose could barely bring herself to watch, hoping this new, new, new Doctor would still want her, still love her. Face half hidden in Jack’s coat, she waited to see who he would become.  Just as suddenly as it started, the golden regeneration energy stopped and she stared in awe that he was still the same.  Dizzy with relief, she threw herself into his arms, clutching him as tightly as he was her.  Finally, she was home.

9/16 – Moon

Sitting on the Tower wall with Amy, waiting for news on the cubes, the Doctor stared resolutely at the moon.  Every time he thought of the Ponds’ future his time senses went haywire, and there was a heavy ball of dread in his gut.  He knew this feeling far too well.  For Donna, when he realized she had Time Lord knowledge.  Martha, at the Master’s devastation.  At the Olympics, the grief for his pink-and-yellow love that time has not dulled.  Soon, he knows, the Ponds will join that list.

9/17 – You can trust me

Later, after the snow has melted and after two weeks in Egypt, Donna remembers that skinny, weird alien who begged for her trust.  He’d been so sad, in a fog, like her mum after dad passed.  Watching Sylvia put her life back together, Donna regrets saying no.  He needs someone to keep him going, to stop him going too far.  He needs a friend to boss him around.  Eventually, she decides it should be her, and resolves to find him through strange happenings.  Why are the bees disappearing?

9/18 – Hug

She doesn’t like it when he hugs her.  Never mind the paper cuts she gets (HOW is he so skinny??) it’s just not them – they banter and tease, they don’t do sentiment.  Hugs mean something’s wrong.  Hugs mean danger, and sadness, and weariness.  Pompeii.  The Library. Midnight (the planet, not the time). So when both versions hug her tight within ten minutes, her new, part Time Lord brain starts running calculations. He’s hugging her, and that means something’s wrong.

9/19 – Anxious/Nervous

He shifted nervously at the altar, a small part of him worried his bride would not show.  They loved each other, he knew, and wanted to be married, but at the eleventh hour, who knew what could happen?  Then the trumpets blared, and a vision in white made her way down the aisle, beaming at him.  He took her hand from the father she’d never (always) known, and they giggled together as the preacher began to speak.  “We are gathered here together to join Amelia and Rory in marriage-”

9/20 – Past or Future

He stands there so smug, offering her the choice of backwards or forwards in time.  It seems like a simple enough question, but it felt like so much more.  Backwards or forwards – past or future.  To her, it seems like her choice would be obvious.  She’d been choosing backwards – the past – for years now.  Moving home after Jimmy, getting back with Mickey. But this, now, being here to even get the offer – to her, that said it all.  Letting out a shaky breath, she says “Forwards.”

9/21 – First meeting

It was a perfectly boring Thursday afternoon, the kind he had railed against so frequently as a full Time Lord.  He’d known (hoped) this was coming in the three weeks they’d known, but now in the moment, he felt his heart stop, and then expand.  “Hello, little one.”  He whispered aloud to the fledgling mind brushing against his.  Rising from his desk to find Rose, he promised himself and this small, new life he and Rose had made that he would never curse Thursday afternoons again.

9/22 – Change

Objectively, he knows they’ve both changed in the years they’ve been apart.  She’s obviously flourished here, building the dimension cannon and saving Donna from that artificial parallel universe.  He’s changed as well, shaped by his time with Martha, then Donna, never mind the Master’s torture.  And yet, as they lie wrapped in each other’s arms in Rose’s bed at the mansion on his first night there, he thinks that the most important things haven’t changed.  They still fit in each other’s arms.

9/23 – Smile

After meeting Rose, he thought he’d never see a more wonderful smile.  Now, smiling down at Sarah Jacqueline’s beaming face, he knows he was wrong.  

“You do realize it’s probably just gas, right?”  An exhausted Rose reminds her husband.  

He shrugs, never looking away from his new daughter.  “I don’t really care.  I’ve seen incredible things in my life – stars being born, stars dying, all of time itself.  But this, her – it’s a thousand times better than all of it.”

9/24 – For once, I was wrong

“Okay, okay!”  The Doctor grumbled, as a triumphant Rose smirked. “Fine.  I admit – for once, I was wrong, and you were right.”  

“Haha!”  Rose crowed, pumping her fist in the air.  “See?  S’like Mum always said – sometimes less is more.”  

The Doctor gave her his best glare, though he was easily distracted by the whipped cream on her nose. “I suppose.  But, I hope you know you’re the only one I would share a banana split with, Rose Tyler.”  

“Better with two.” She told him happily.

9/25 – Cuddle

It was petty.  She knew it, but she couldn’t help the thought. In the ways that really mattered, this tall skinny bloke was the same man as her Doctor.  Protecting her, defending the Earth, that smile when he saw her – it was all there.  She still felt guilty though, especially sitting across from her boyfriend, wondering, hoping, that their cuddles would still be the same.  Although, she thought, feeling his hand on her knee, there seemed to be a possibility they would be even better.

9/26 – Happy

It hits her out of the blue one day – she’s happy.  Stopping dead in an alien marketplace, she considers her situation.  In truth, it’s as terrifying as she originally feared. But, she’s found, it’s also amazing. She’s seen some truly awful things, but that gives her a chance to save the day.  To matter.  Because the weird, skinny alien showed her she did.  Speaking of – “Don-na!”  He reappeared in front of her.  “Allons-y!” He’s off again, and she follows. It’s nice to be needed.

9/28 – Pillow Fight

“Oi!”  Jackie barged into the room, eyes squeezed tightly shut. “Do you mind?  Tony can hear you!”  

“Sorry, Jackie.”  The Doctor said sheepishly, before asking, “Uh, why are your eyes closed?”  

Rose laughed, and Jackie carefully opened them to find the couple kneeling on their bed in pajamas, still holding pillows, feathers littered around them.  

“Are you having a pillow fight?”  She asked, incredulous.  

The Doctor blinked. “Of course we are.  What did you think we were doing?”

9/29 – Mine

Objectively, she knows she’s far from the first.  She’s met Martha and Sarah Jane, and knows all about Rose.  But, she can’t help but think, for right now, while she’s on board? The ship, the universe, and yes even the weird alien pilot, are hers.  Only hers.  She knows it won’t last forever, especially if Rose ever returns, but here and now (wherever and whenever that is) it all belongs to her.  Maybe this life isn’t so bad after all.