#1:30am and i can’t sleep so here we are

[tawaifeddiediaz]

it’s completely insane to have the parallels of buck and eddie watching the other being rolled away into a hospital — not knowing if he’ll live, not knowing if what he did was enough — while expecting/urging everyone to work past their capacity to keep him alive btw

[madigoround]

🤪

[cheesysoup-arlo]

Cady’s Cousin (pt.2)

(pt. 1)/(pt. 3)/(pt. 4)

A/N: sorry this is mostly like “texting” also the relationship/couples I have in here are (karen and gretchen), (cady and regina), later I’ll add (janis and reader) and maybe (aaron and kevin g) idk maybe lol I won’t be tagging the ships since they’re not the main ship I hope y’all liked this lol

(Sunday 8:30pm)

*Cady created a group chat*

Cads 🦁: hey guys I made this group chat so (Y/N) can get to know you guys, you guys can get to know them, and just for fun 👍

???(1): aw Cady that’s so sweet, this is Aaron by the way lol

(Y/N): can everyone send their name please 🙏

???(2): karen 💕

???(3): Beyoncé

???(4): that’s Damian ^, this is janis 👾

Damian🌟: janis you’re no fun this is homophobia

Janis👾: yeah I hate the gays 🙄

karen💕: ??? u hat me 😞

Janis👾: no not you karen just Damian

karen💕: o okie 😽

???(5): the hottest bitch you’ll meet

(Y/N): hi Regina

Cads🦁: Y/N!!!

(Y/N): cads chill I know she’s off limits

Regina👛: aw baby you’re so cute when you’re jealous

Janis👾: barf 🤮

(Y/N): 😭😭😭

(Y/N): wait where’s Gretchen?

karen💕: sleping 😴

Damian🌟: Important question! Y/n are you one of them queers?

(Y/N): I would be offended if you thought I wasn’t

*damian has named group chat “fruit loops”*

Janis👾: I-

(Y/N): oh that’s-

Damian🌟: OK STOP BEING HOMOPHOBIC TO THE GAY BLACK MAN IM A MINORITY HERE

Regina👛: how’s everyone feeling about school tomorrow? I’m kind of excited mostly because the school cheese fries just hit different yk?

Cads🦁: I’m excited too but for classes I picked an extra math class this year

(Y/N): ha nerd 🤓

(Y/N): I’m nervous lol but at least I have you guys

Janis👾: I’m not excited I hate school it keeps me from doing more important things

(Y/N): like what?

Janis👾: sleeping

Damian🌟: I’m excited I decided that I’m gonna take the new senior only theater class which is a little out of my comfort zone but I’ll manage

Aaron🧍‍♂️: I was supposed to be graduated last year so I’m not excited at all

(Y/N): YOU GOT HELD BACK?!?! WHAT?!?!

Aaron🧍‍♂️: yeah I failed English and history so I couldn’t graduate

Cads🦁: it’s ok Aaron now you get to be with us for another year 😊

(Sunday 11:50pm) fruit loops

(Y/N): guys I can’t sleep

Janis👾: same I’ve been lying very still and it’s not working

Damian🌟: janis did you take the melatonin I gave you?

Janis👾: yeah but it’s not working 😔

Damian🌟: welp that’s a you problem then

(Monday 2:30am) fruit loops

(Y/N): do you think I can fit 40 mini marshmallows in my mouth?

Janis👾: oh absolutely

(Y/N): omg ur still awake too?

Janis👾: yeah lol

(Y/N): I just put 35 mini marshmallows in my mouth idk if I can fit more

Janis👾: if you fit all 40 I’ll give you 5 bucks

(Y/N): challenge accepted

(Monday 2:37am) fruit loops

(Y/N): I fit all 40 and almost choked lmao

Janis👾: lmao nice your $5 will be given at school

(Y/N): yippieeee

(Y/N): dude I literally can’t sleep

Janis👾: wanna call? That’s what me and Damian used to do before he got a good sleep schedule lmao

(Y/N): um sure me and my friend back home used to do that too

*incoming call from Janis👾*

“Hi” you whispered suddenly feeling a little more tired with her company even if it was only over the phone “hey” janis said with a small yawn “nice shirt” you say seeing her Lego movie shirt “oh um thanks” she says with a laugh “so what’s up?” “Let’s take turns asking each other questions until we fall asleep” you say with a little yawn “hmm ok favorite color?” She asks you “ooo definitely (your favorite color), how about you?” “Hmm either green or purple” “ooo good choice, hmm hobbies?” “I sing and write a little but I guess art even though I don’t consider it a hobby it’s more of a lifestyle” “art? Can I see some?” “Yeah sure I’ll show you some stuff tomorrow” you both yawn “shit it’s 3 am” janis sighs “fuck” you chuckle sleepy “um I’m getting tired” janis says with a tired laugh “me too” you say starting to close your eyes “good night (y/n)” “good night Janis” you say with a yawn falling asleep as she hangs up

Monday 5:30am

“Pst…(y/n)? You gotta wake up” your cousin said lightly shaking you “ugh five more minutes” you mumbled “no come on up you gotta get ready” she insisted, you got up against your body begging to go back to sleep “good morning sleepy head” Cady said with an enthusiastic smile “cads what time is it?” “5:33” “doesn’t school start at like 8:30?” “No it starts at 8 and I wanted to make sure you had enough time to get ready and have breakfast, breakfast is very important” “uh huh…mm thanks cads” you say with a yawn deciding to get up and look through your clothes “meet me in my room when you’re done getting dressed, ok?” Cady said “um ok?” You said grabbing your favorite jeans and shirt then going to look for your jacket as your cousin left

(Monday 5:40 am) fruit loops

Gretchen🌷: good morning everyone soooo so sorry for not texting yesterday I went to bed early

Regina👛: it’s ok Gretch don’t worry about it

Regina👛: also damn I think Janis and (y/n) our new insomniac duo

(Y/N): unfortunately yes I’m so fucking tired also good morning Gretchen

Aaron🧍‍♂️: why are you guys up so early it’s not even six yet? I literally woke up because of all the buzzing

(Y/N): cads woke me up :(

Regina👛: my skincare and makeup routine take like and hour

Gretchen🌷: I like mornings ☀️

You finished getting ready and headed over to Cady’s room like she asked you to. “What’s up cads?” “Eee (y/n) ok so first of all how are you feeling about your first day” “a little nervous and tired I only got like 2 and a half hours of sleep” “oh goodness (y/n) why didn’t you sleep sooner?”cady says concerned “Because I wasn’t tired?” You half joked. Cady hands you a paper. “That’s a map of the school the way Janis sees it she gave it to me on my first day I feel like it could be helpful for you” “oh um wow thanks cads” you say giving her a half hug. Your aunt knocks on Cady’s open door “hey girls good morning” “good morning mom” Cady says enthusiastically, you yawn “morning” you say with a small smile “I’ve got to head to work but I’m assuming you girls have a ride?” “Yeah Aaron’s gonna pick us up I think?” Cady answers “alright I love you two, be on your best behavior and call me or text me if you need me” your aunt says as she leaves “bye” you and Cady say at the same time. You head to the kitchen and pour yourself a bowl of cereal

(Monday 6:40am) fruit loops

Regina👛: my mom is doing a coffee run what does everyone want?

Damian🌟: iced coffee, oat milk, vanilla

Gretchen🌷: just the usual for me and Karen

Janis👾: iced coffee, oat milk, lavender

(Y/N): um (your coffee order) please

Cads🦁: can you just get me a tea?

Regina👛: yeah of course I’ll get your favorite

Aaron🧍‍♂️: regular coffee, cream and sugar please

Regina👛: ok also who’s picking up who today? I can get Karen and Gretchen as usual

Aaron🧍‍♂️: my mom said I don’t have car privileges this week so I can’t give anyone a ride

Damian🌟: I can get janis for sure but if anyone else needs a ride I can get them too

Cads🦁: can you give (Y/N) and I a ride please we’re ready whenever you are 👍

Damian🌟: yeah I’ll be over in 10 then we’ll go get Janis because I know she’s not ready yet

Janis👾: I would be offended but it’s true

Regina👛: alright meet at our usual spot?

Aaron🧍‍♂️: 👍

Damian🌟: sounds good see y’all soon

[sturn1olo-ffics]

- HIDDEN (a series) -

pt. 1 | pt. 2

- Matt Sturniolo x Fem Reader (she/her pronouns used)

- Warnings: angst, Matt and reader high key hate each other, making out, use of y/n, profanity, alcohol use, I think that’s it??; NOT PROOFREAD

- About: Y/n and Matt aren’t very fond of each other on the outside, but on the inside, what really are they?

- Note: orange text=Chris, purple text=Nick, blue text=Matt, pink text=you

—————————————————————————————

(Y/N’s POV):

I look down at my phone to a text from Chris.

“Hey did you happen to see Matt earlier?”

“Yeah, he stopped by to get something. Why what’s up?”

“Oh don’t worry about it, I was just wondering fr.”

“Okay…”

Chris had always been suspicious about Matt and I. He had always been confused why we hated each other so much even though it seems like we’d get along so well.

I ignored Chris’ text and continued on talking to my friends at the party.

I soon grew tired but I couldn’t drive home because I had a few drinks, so I called Larray to Uber over because I trusted him to drive my car home for me.

Upon arriving to my house, I thanked Larray and walked in.

Then, I started to feel my phone buzz in my pocket.

“Hello?”

It was Nick calling me.

“Hey girl I was just on the phone with Larray when you called and wanted to make sure you got home alright.”

“Yeah! I did. Thank you for checking on me. How was filming the car video? Any fights between you and Chris this time?”

“What? Oh no we didn’t have a video planned to film tonight, we did it last night. But I can’t spoil it, you’ll have to wait to watch.”

“Oh- well Imma go. I need sleep really bad.”

“Alright, good night y/n”

“Night!”

Why would Matt lie and tell me they were filming a video? I mean it’s not like it was even that big of a deal, he could have just said he didn’t want to go with me.

I turned my playlist on and hopped in the shower, still intoxicated. I managed to take a quick shower, take off my makeup, and brush my teeth before clocking out in my bed for the night.

3:30am.

Four knocks on my window.

I knew it was Matt. Only Matt knocked 4 times in that pattern.

I opened my curtain to reveal his tired expression and signaled for him to come in.

If I were sober and in my right mind right then, I would not have let him in, but I wasn’t.

“Hi” he said, opening the window.

Almost immediately I pressed my lips to his, forming an unspoken language between us.

His hands roamed my body as he kicked his shoes off, allowing them to fall on the floor.

The cool, fall breeze filled the air as the window was left at a crack, leaving chill bumps across my skin.

Not a word was said between us, but the deepened kiss was all that was needed.

“Matt-” I mustered out.

“Shh baby.” He whispered, closing the gap between our lips once more.

His cologne filled my nose as he placed soft and rough kisses to my neck.

“You’re so beautiful.” He said between kisses.

A soft smile spread across my lips before meeting his again.

5:45am

I must have blacked out or fallen asleep because next thing I know, I was woken up next to Matt in his bed at their house.

“Matt” I said, lightly tapping his shoulder.

“Hm?” He questioned softly.

“What happened?” I sat up, feeling sick.

“When I went down stairs to get you some medicine, you blacked out from the amount of alcohol you drank, so I brought you here to take care of you.” He turned his body toward me.

“Take care of me?” I looked down and giggled.

“I know, I know.” He giggled back.

“You could have done that at my house though-” I continued laughing.

“Shhh I wasn’t thinking.” He whispered with a smile.

“I should actually really get home before Nick and Chris realize I’m here.” I stood up, immediately falling back down onto the bed.

“No no baby, they won’t even know, I’ll get you home without them seeing. Just lay back down.” He whined and pulled me into him.

I fell back asleep to Matt rubbing my back with one hand and brushing my hair with the other.

I could stay like that forever. That is, until Chris unexpectedly walked in the room at 7:00 in the morning.

—————————————————————————————

A/N: I kinda hate this part but whatever, it’s really just filler. Love you guys 😭

Tag list:

@cupidsturniolo

(Comment if you wanna be added lmao)

[izzielizzie93]

High School Sweethearts Part 3-J Burrow

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4

Part 3! Thank you everyone that has liked, shared, and commented! Part 4 is going to be the last :)

Wordcount: 1.2K

College!JoeBurrow x College!Reader

Happy Reading :)

----

Waking up the next morning, I kept my eyes closed for as long as possible hoping sleep would find me again. When I realized that wasn’t going to happen, I opened my eyes and froze at the sight before me. Star Wars memorabilia was scattered on the shelves and men’s clothing was strewn about on a chair and the floor. 

Breathing deeply to try to calm myself down, I lifted the blanket to confirm that I was naked. Panicking, I didn’t dare move a muscle as my eyes searched the bedside table for my phone. Once I spotted it, I slowly reached out and brought it to me. I looked back through texts from the night before from Kasey and Sarah. 

11:00PM

~Where are you?~ 

~Hellooo, you went out for air and disappeared??~

11:30PM

~Joe isn’t here anymore!~

~Stop hiding and get out here!~

11:45PM

~Image: Bonfire~

12:30AM

~OMG Trent said you left with Joe?!~

~Girl you’d better stop playing & text us back!~

I then spotted a reply I don’t remember making… 

1:30AM

~Image: Joe sleeping with his back facing me~

~Holy shit! YESSSSS~

~You fucking didn’t omg~

~Details tomorrow!~

“Morning,” I froze and turned my screen off as Joe rolled over and wrapped his arms around me. “Uh, morning.” I mumbled. “Do you need water or Tylenol?” He asked, pressing a kiss to my neck. “Uh, water would be good.” I whispered, not trusting my voice. 

Joe rolled over and shuffled around, coming into my view a moment later in a pair of sweats. He turned back and gave me a wink before exiting his bedroom. I took the time to hastily pull on my jeans and top and throw my hair up into a bun. 

“Leaving already?” Joe pouted when he came back in. I just stared at him, not knowing what to say. “Joe!” We both turned toward the door at the sound of Robin’s voice. Did they see me come home with him? Do they know I’m still up here? “Relax, they were out late. Passed out when we got here.” He said, handing me the water and pill bottle before exiting. 

Not waiting for him to come back, I grabbed my phone and ran across the hallway to the bathroom. With trembling fingers, I called my older sister. “Lindsey!” I breathed a sigh of relief when she answered. “What’s up?” She asked. “I am like 100% sure I slept with Joe last night after we went to a party.” I slid down onto the floor. “Y/N!” She scolded. “I know, I know.” I dropped my head, “I’m also still here and I don’t know how to escape without his parents seeing me. I cannot believe this is happening.” 

She let out a bemused sound; but then someone knocked at the door. “Y/N, are you in there?” Joe called. “Fuck, I have to go.” I whispered. “Good luck dumbass.” My sister laughed and hung up. “Be right out!” I called back. I rifled around and found makeup wipes to clean up my face. I redid my hair to make it more presentable and I opened the door. 

Joe was back in his room, still in the sweatpants and sitting on the bed. “Do they know I’m here?” I asked and he shook his head. “How the hell am I supposed to get out of here without being caught?” I crossed my arms and remained standing. “You can just say you stopped by this morning. It’s already noon so…” He shrugged. “This is not an outfit I would wear to stop by and I can’t even find my bra.” I huffed. 

He laughed and leaned over to the side of his bed and pulled out my bra. Tossing it over, he continued to watch me until I told him to turn around. After putting the bra on, I sat down on the edge of the bed. 

“You remember last night, right? I didn’t take advantage of you did I?” Joe asked nervously. Once I had fully woken up, the memories all came back to me. “No, I remember.” I said quietly.

“Do you regret it?” He asked, and I could feel his eyes locked on me. “I don’t know.” I sighed, focusing on the floor. 

“I don’t,” It was so quiet I almost missed it. My heart began to race and I felt my cheeks burn. “So now what, do we ignore each other and then sleep together when we come home for the holidays?” The words came out without me even thinking. “I don’t want that.” Joe shuffled down to the end of the bed and sat next to me. 

“Then what the hell do you want?” I spat. “I’ve fucking missed you so much.” He admitted. “Well, you made the decision to break up and swore up and down it would never work, so…” I trailed off. 

“Have you dated anyone at LSU?” He asked and I shook my head. “I haven’t dated anyone either.” He added. “Ok, and?” I asked, keeping the anger right at the forefront of my emotions. “I don’t want to date anyone else and I don’t want you to either.” He reached over and took one of my hands in his. I almost pulled away but the butterflies in my stomach surprised me. 

“Joe, you can’t just expect this to all get better because we slept together last night.” I began, “I can’t stand the idea of going back to school and worrying that I’ll get a text saying ‘sorry I changed my mind’, I literally fucking just went through all of those feelings and I’m finally feeling normal again.” It felt good to get all of these feelings off of my chest as I sat there in a bedroom I used to feel so comfortable in. 

“I fucked up Y/N, I know I did. I’m sorry for everything, I almost called and texted you so many times when you left and I chickened out.” Joe explained evenly. It made me feel worse knowing I was trying so hard to fight back tears and Joe was so composed. 

“I want to show you that I’m all in. I don’t care that we’re not at the same school. I promise to call and text you every single day.” Joe continued, “I’ll stand here and beg you if I have to. Please.” Joe’s calm demeanor cracked, his voice faltering at the last word, please. 

“I need time to think, Joe. Right now, I really just need to go home and sleep off this hangover.” Joe gingerly placed my hand back in my lap and I had to fight the urge not to take hold of his again. I had too many feelings swirling around and I needed to leave before I made a decision I might regret.

Once I’d safely gotten home, I ran up to my room and threw myself onto my bed. 

“I’m so fucked.” 

—-------------------------------

Ok so I never expected to drag this out, I’m having too much fun with it… (Also the GIF is exactly the face I pictured Joe making when the reader is leaving & he didn't get what he wanted)

Thank you everyone that has stuck around for my overindulgent writing.

Please comment, feedback is appreciated. Anything from awesome to this is the worst thing you've ever read...

[wa-royal-tea]

Previous | Beginning | Next

(Transcript & Translations under the cut & here - Click Pics for HQ Version!)

@thebrixtons​​​

Symphony Manor, Holan (8:30am)

*alarm rings*

Alfie: Good morning, cutie.

Catalina: Mhm, morning.

Alfie: Go back to sleep, it’s still early.

Catalina: Nuh-uh. I’ve been sleeping a lot lately.

*light switch clicks*

Alfie: You should be resting a lot, Lina. You’re still recovering from your injuries.

Catalina: I’m fine. You’re overreacting.

Alfie: Am I though?

Catalina: Yes, you are. It’s been two weeks. I feel better now. I can walk too.

Catalina: And I can do more than walk. If you know what I mean.

Alfie: Tempting, but, I don’t want to take the risk of hurting you. So, I’ll keep my hands to myself until I’m sure you’re fine.

Catalina: Urgh, you suck.

Alfie: *chuckles* Stay in bed. I’ll bring breakfast to you.

Catalina: You’re treating me like a child again.

Alfie: This time, for a good reason. I don’t want you to tire yourself out. And the doctors said that it’s going to take a while before you can make a full recovery.

Alfie: Please listen to me, okay? I don’t want you to get hurt again.

Catalina: *groans* Fine.

Alfie: Good girl.

*door opens and closes*

Tweet 1: an INTRUDER AT THE PALACE ?? fr ?? they got into a whole fight with alfie and #trashlina

Reply to tweet 1: they prob tried to put her in her place💀the bitch deserves it

Reply to tweet 1′s reply: stfu stop being a hater

Tweet 2: I feel sorry for the guests that already arrived. Ppl are dying around the world and they wasted their money on a wedding only for it to be postponed.

Tweet 3: LMAOOO THEY CANCELED THEIR WEDDING !!!! move over #trashlina, its marie’s time to shine ✨

Tweet 4: wait? they postponed their wedding? why?

Reply to tweet 4: the palace hasnt said anything … pelik (weird)

Tweet 5: atp i’m anti-monarchy, because what the hell is even going on?

Tweet 6: idc what everyone else says, i’m standing by alfie and lina 😔 nobody deserves what they’re going through

Tweet 7: how much do u guys wanna bet that they’re lying about the intruder? 👁👁

Reply to tweet 7: i saw a tweet from a former staff and they said nothing even happened … let’s put our tin foil hats on 😬

Reply to tweet 7′s reply: korg ckp ni boleh pakai otak tak? (ppl, can we pls think with our heads for 2 seconds?) stop jumping to conclusions you guys annoy the hell out of me.

Tweet 8: The hate she’s getting rn is unfair. Why’d you guys assume the worse of her?

Reply to tweet 8: Are you fcking fr? Did you forget what she did the other day?

Tweet 8′s OP replies: The apology thingy? You’re mad at her for that? I didn’t realize the marie stans are brain dead when it comes to Lina. She was doing the right thing by apologizing for something she didn’t even do. I bet if it was your fav who did this, you’d be praising her to the skies. Be serious.

*door opens and closes*

Alfie: What are you doing?

Catalina: N-nothing.

Alfie: Are you reading tweets on twister again? Stop reading those. It’s full of shit.

Catalina: I can’t help it. Last week was supposed to be our wedding day but it got postponed because of me.

Alfie: You didn’t ask for this to happen. And those people don’t know what actually happened. They’re just talking out of their asses right now.

Catalina: *sighs* Whatever. It already happened. Did your mum said anything about the wedding date?

Alfie: She said the wedding has been postponed to next month. The latest it would be is in two.

Catalina: But what are we gonna do until then? Don’t tell me you expect me to be in bed everyday?

Alfie: Mum said she’ll give us a new schedule to make up for the tour. She wants us to do joint engagements to build your reputation again. Right now the people are divided in half when it comes to you.

Catalina: Not surprised.

Alfie: Don’t think too much about it. You have me and the others to support you. And this time, if you did mess up, I will tell you. No sugarcoating. But, I won’t be an asshole about it.

Catalina: I’m a bit scared to hear what you’re going to say but thanks for listening to me.

Alfie: It’s no big deal.

Catalina: Oh, I forgot to ask. Did your mum said anything about my assistant? Since, y’know, Rowena’s not really in the picture anymore?

Alfie: She’s considering Anna to be your permanent assistant. The accusations against her has been dropped because Rowena confessed that she lied.

Catalina: Thank god. I liked Anna. I knew she won’t do it.

Alfie: Yeah. I’m just glad Anna still want to work with us. I heard mum said that she was a student Auntie Athy sponsored back in Cordelia. So she’s trusted.

Catalina: Is she a spellcaster like Lucy too?

Alfie: Nope. She’s a normal human. Like us.

Catalina: Oh, that’s cool. But what happens to Rowena now?

Alfie: She’s still under investigation. Your mama thinks it’s impossible for her to work alone. There must be someone helping her out and they’re trying to pry the answers out from her.

Catalina: Hmm...

*phone rings*

Alfie (to the phone): Hello, mum? Yeah, I’m at home.

Alfie: What? Are you serious?

Alfie: I...I see. Okay, I’ll tell her later. Keep me updated. Bye. Take care too.

Catalina: What was it? Did something happen?

Alfie: It’s Rowena.

Catalina: What’s wrong with her?

Alfie: She’s...she’s dead.

[roylustang]

Okay here’s a fun summary of my weekend in which I did not sleep

Saturday 3am: wake up

4am: drive to race venue

5am: Evan starts the race, I go back to my car and sleep for 3 more hours. I never really fell fully asleep but it did feel very rejuvenating so I’m fine with it.

8:30am - 8:30pm: Evan’s sister and I crew Evan for the first 50 miles of the race and watch the other races unfold. Lin Chen, who I first heard about in a podcast hardly a week ago wins the 100k race outright. She’s gonna get top 10 in western states later this month EASY—this was a training run for her. Actually first and second place in the 100k overall were women which is awesome. I eat spaghetti with my hands. Among many other things. A gopher pokes his head out of his little gopher hole for a little bit, he’s cute. An hour later a 3+ foot long gopher snake slithers through our tent, which Evan’s sister is terrified of. Someone saw a bear on course. Actually the guy who saw the bear was talking about it to someone on the phone while I was eating rice by my car. I get my shit together to pace Evan.

8:30pm: The sun has set but there’s still a little bit of light out and I set out to run with Evan for the next 38.5 miles (~62 kilometers). I’m fucking pumped. We have both severely underestimated the course.

9:30pm: we set up Pig Farm Hill, which is very steep and decorated with little plastic pigs (like rubber ducks). I’m still pumped and I feel prepared bc I just ran 34,000ft/10,000m+ of elevation last month.

11pm: we go up the second steep, long climb of the course. I will later conclude climbing is much easier at night simply for the fact you cannot see how much farther you have left to go. There’s also funny signs that say shit like “you’re not there yet! :(“ and “John 3:16” which is apparently a meme making fun of Christian white girls. There’s also direct action propaganda that says “Make [name of race] a Western States qualifier” bc the race director for western states is running the race.

Sunday 12am: Evan and I are on a road section of the course. It’s pitch black outside, obviously, no moon, but we have headlamps. I look up into the cliff face and see something very reflective. I pray it is a course marker up a switchback but I know in my heart it is not. It’s a pair of eyes watching us. Evan turns his headlamp up brighter and it is in fact a juvenile mountain lion. We attempt to be loud but it seems unfazed. We back away slowly watching it the entire time until it is out of sight, checking back into the void behind us occasionally just in case.

1am: I am plagued by the reflective eyes of creatures in the forest for the remainder of the night. The second pair of eyes we see I immediately think “jackal”, and I’ll find out later Evan also thinks this even though that doesn’t make sense because we’re in California. Upon further research later we conclude it is a bobcat. There is also a deer, very close. All of these creatures are watching us as we pass through like they think we can’t see them. But all we can see are their eyes and it’s fucking terrifying. Also if I didn’t know bullfrogs sounded like that I’d be sprinting. And we hear a gunshot somewhere in the distance (some coyotes attacked some dogs somewhere, we’ll find out later)

1:30am: we’re almost done with the 13.5 mile loop, and I eat absolute shit on some rocks. Both my knees are bruised, one is skinned to shit (I was wearing a compression sleeve on the other) as is one of my hands, but I’m bleeding in three places. Also, because I tripped on a slight downhill, the force of my fall flipped me onto my side, almost my back, so I also have bruises and scrapes on my arm and shoulder which I won’t realize for another 12 hours. I’m kind of amazed I didn’t scrape my face on the ground. All of this stings like a motherfucker but I get up quick and we run back to tent city. Also I am spared some bc the part of my knee I scraped did not cross over the part of the knee I scraped when I ate shit the week previous. All of this still stings even now on Monday bc scabs are trying to form on very bendable parts of my body.

2am: we set out on the 11.5 mile loop. We’re trying to finish the first (for me) 25 miles before the sun rises so we don’t have to climb up Pig Farm Hill again in the heat of the day. I change into a long sleeve sun shirt bc it’s getting cold and it might protect my hands if I fall again.

2am-3am: we do the Creek Crossings. All of them are complete shit. Some of them are more the ponds, but the only thing there is to cross them are thin wooden boards that aren’t attached to anything. It’s pretty pointless. Our feet are soaked and covered in mud. This section of the course is otherwise much flatter but this fucking sucks so I’m not doing this one again. I’d much rather climb another like 3,000 feet than deal with this shit. Otherwise this section is rather uneventful. Evan and I are both pretty tired though so we’re not really talking anymore.

5:30am: we make it back to tent city just as daylight breaks. We completed our first goal. Evan takes some time at tent city. I’m very slowly eating a palm-sized, 300 calorie PB&J some aid station volunteers gave us, but I know my guts are turning. Also my calf feels really weird. I eat about half of it and stick the other half completely unwrapped in my pack. Fuck it.

I should also mention the entire time Evan and I are peeing like crazy. Like every other mile. We always pee together to conserve time. At some point I feel like all the water I’m drinking is only being used to make me pee.

5:45am: we leave to do the 13.5 mile loop again for the last time. I poop like 5 times. I can’t really eat anything anymore (without pooping) but we’re also not really running anymore either, so I’m not worried bc I’m good at fat oxidization. I say I’m not going to eat anymore but I do anyway bc the allure of capri suns and sour candy at the aid stations compel me. Those things surprisingly don’t make me poop.

7am: we make it to the top of Pig Farm Hill again. Evan sits down to take off his shirt bc it’s starting to get warm. As he does so, a group of trail runners/hikers and their husky come up the trail. I’m so ecstatic I don’t ask to pet their dog and just do it because I need the morale boost. Evan gets his shirt on and is immediately licked all over his face. This is great.

8am: I am starting to fall behind as a pacer bc Evan is a fucking beast on the climbs and at this point I have only gone this far one other time in my life. My quads are trashed. I’m also going slightly insane with sleep deprivation bc I haven’t slept in at least 24 hours. I am talking half to Evan half to myself about just really stupid shit i don’t even really remember.

8:30am: we’re back on the switchback climb which sucks now because I can see it. Evan takes a break and I pick a 3 foot tall dandelion and hold it over my head like a balloon for morale. I do that for like a mile before the stem flops over and then I put it in my pack instead. The seeds are slowly being blown away as we go and I’m emotionally attached to it now in my sleep deprivation. It seems sad but I convince myself it’s a good thing bc this dandelions seeds are literally being spread over miles. It’s arguably the most successful dandelion that’s ever existed.

10am: I squat down to pee at mile 37 and pull a muscle in my quad when I stand back up bc they’re so thrashed. Men have it so easy. Regardless, we make it back to tent city with no problem on my end and now Evan is surely going to finish, he just has to do the 11.5 mile loop one more time. And I’m done pacing.

After that, I get some ice for my quad and take an ibuprofen and try not to move. My leg didn’t really hurt the last mile back but now it really hurts to bend or straighten it completely and even the slightest downhill is a pain. Miraculously it feels completely fine today, but it is tender to the touch and I can’t stretch it. I immediately become less insane upon sitting down for like 20 minutes. Evan’s sister loves the fact that one of our tent neighbors DNF’ed. He signed up for the hundred miler despite having only ever run a half marathon because his girlfriend does them and “if she can do it then so can he”. He drops at mile 30. She wins the race. We’re all cackling.

3:30pm: Evan finishes the race and we fuck around (re: rest) for little bit before packing up the tent and shit. I’m driven back to my car which is only like 1/3rd of a mile away bc ouch.

5pm: we go to dinner bc we obviously need food. I’ve burned 6,000 calories. I ran with Evan for 14 hours. That’s the longest I’ve ever run time-wise. All of these stats indicate to my body that I’ve just completed a 100 kilometer effort despite only going 62 kilometers (with 6,300 feet of elevation). And also it feels like it, though my legs don’t hurt as much as the first time I ran 100km (#experience).

7:30pm: we drop Evans sister off at the airport. I am having an out of body experience in the passenger seat and fall asleep for 10 minutes. The sun is setting again and I’m losing my mind.

9:30pm: we get back to the motel and blessedly pass the fuck out for the next 12 hours, tired, sore, and beaten, but victorious for the first time in almost a year. Trauma has finally been resolved. Hallelujah.

[eadanga]

Royal Love Part 15

Summary: Now 18 Eleanor heads to her first year of college and falls for a handsome musician. Can she keep her royal secret be with her true love?

A/N: This series is for @kingliam2019 one of my 500 followers giveaway winners

Cole laid on his bed he turns to face the door then he turns to faces the wall. He let’s out a frustrated sigh Why I can’t go to sleep? He scrolled through his phone I can’t wait till she calls I wish she didn’t have to leave well at least I got to go on a date with her. He sighs as he imagines her laying down next to him he smiles I wish she’ll be back by now I miss her a lot. He turns and looks at his clock 1:30am I’ve been up for long when is she gonna call? Maybes she doesn’t He shakes his head No she said she will if only stupid time zones didn’t complicate things.

His phone buzzes and he grins when he sees a video call from her he quickly answers “Hi”

“Hi Cole” She blushes furiously “Um why are you shirtless?”

“It’s how I sleep” Cole smirks “Why you wanna know?”

“Ummm no reason” She turns away trying to hide her face

Cole chuckles “So glad you’re enjoying the view now where’s this baby that took you so far away”

“I’m sending pics now” She taps on her phone a few times and Cole’s phone buzzes with a message

Soon as he sees the baby he grins widely “Wow she’s amazing and so cute what’s her name?”

“Isabella”

“That’s a nice name did you pick it?”

“Yes and Marissa did the middle name”

“I picked a good one!”

Cole laughs as Eleanor rolls her eyes “Stop being so loud you’ll wake the baby”

“Oops sorry!”

Eleanor sighs as she turns back “I don’t know what to do with her”

“Nobody knows what to do with her” Cole smiles “But it’s great to hear from you I couldn’t sleep without talking to you”

Eleanor smiles “I’m glad but you should really get some sleep Cole”

“No I wanna talk to you some more”

“But what if you wake up your roommates?”

“Who cares? They’ll be fine”

Knocking comes at the door “You won’t be fine if you don’t keep it down!”

“Oh chill out dude he wants to chat with his girlfriend”

“Oh that’s right he’s a lover boy trying to get action sorry man!”

“Oh would you two shut the hell up!” Cole rolls his eyes as he hears laughter from outside the door “You’re not the only one who deals with roommates”

Eleanor giggles “I can see that”

“Anyway what matters is the baby is healthy and you’re gonna be an amazing big sister I bet your gonna take her on all the shopping sprees”

Eleanor laughs “You know me so well”

“And me!”

“Quiet you” Eleanor pushes Marissa away as she laughs

“But Elle she’s gonna be Marisafied”

“I don’t even want to know what that means”

Cole shakes his head “I don’t want to see what that looks like”

“It’s good you’ll see!”

“Get out of here weirdo” Marissa laughs as Eleanor sighs “She’s gonna be the death of me”

Cole laughs “She better not anyway I need to head to bed I’ve got class tomorrow”

“Oh ok see you Cole call tomorrow?”

“Wouldn’t miss it”

Cole smiles as he hangs up and let’s out a peaceful sigh

****

Cole wakes up the next day and heads to the kitchen to make breakfast he hears laughter and sees his best friend Tristian behind him “So how was your video date?”

Cole playfully punches him “Shut up”

Tristian laughs “Seriously how is she?”

“She’s good newborn sister”

“Congrats to her when are you gonna make it official with her?”

“It’s too soon for that man we only had one date we need to have more dates for that”

“It’s never too soon snatch her up before anyone else”

“No one else is gonna take her don’t worry I’ve got it”

“Good you go get her and I hope she’s not like”

Cole whirls around “Don’t mention that crazy ass bitch to me”

“Right I know you hate her guts”

“More than hate her guts she is non existent to me”

“Good cause she was crazy”

“Very now we should get ready for practice”

“Ok just remember what I said go get her tiger grrr”

Cole rolls his eyes as Tristian laughs I’ll make my mood no one else is even interested have to give it time and then I have plans for her

Tags: @indiacater​​ @mfackenthal​​ @the-soot-sprite​​​ @twinkleallnight​​ @gkittylove99​​ @iaminlovewithtrr​​ @princess-geek​​

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, JANUARY 31, 1991 God, I am so tired. I fell asleep at 9:00 and sure enough, I woke up at 1:00 after sleeping 4 hours. I woke up sneezing and blowing my nose. My lungs don’t feel bad and I’d rather wake up to sneeze and blow my nose rather than coughing and wheezing.

Andy came over saying he thinks he may be catching a cold and I hope that doesn’t worsen mine cuz you know how weak my immune system is.

I need to try to quit smoking again soon and also go see Dr. McGovern. I need more Theodur and I guess I’ll also discuss allergy shots. I wish I could do the natural cure by quitting smoking permanently!

Russ called tonight sounding sincere again saying he’d really like to resolve our dispute. I told him once again that if he’s willing to drop it, I’ll drop it and that I surely do not plan to live here forever. I also told him that for the last 3 days, it hasn’t been bad in here cuz it’s been a little warmer outside, but as soon as it gets bitter cold out, it gets cold in here. I reminded him again that I, and the other tenants, wouldn’t complain for no reason and hopefully it sank in this time and he’ll give up on his spite tricks. But as long as he’s gonna push the eviction, I’m gonna push small claims court. If anything, he owes me money that I’ve paid for the heat that was supposed to be included in my rent that I never got.

Boy, is it ever windy out now. It sounds like someone’s screaming.

I really do need to try and go back to sleep, so first I’ll make coffee, smoke a butt, listen to a little music, and then I should be more than ready.

Tomorrow I’ve got to go to Food Fart.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 30, 1991 Andy better hurry up. His show starts at 1:00. If he’s not here, I’ll record it. He’s supposedly coming over with

Later…

I was interrupted before cuz the phone rang and two seconds before Andy’s show came on he walked in. His show wasn’t on anyway cuz of the Gulf War update. He was pissed and I don’t blame him cuz that’s what the news hour is for. They shouldn’t keep interrupting the shows. News belongs on the news.

He’ll be here for 6 hours editing his tapes.

I got a call from Martha and I am going to see her later at 4:00.

Later…

I’m glad I went to therapy after all. I got a lot of shit off my chest. We basically discussed how I view myself and how others view me. I told her how and why I thought I was a quality person who may appear goofy and playful but is mature and good at knowing other people’s characters. We talked about how there are many types of people that I dislike, but I still understand why they’re the way they are.

I also discussed how I get the types that are loud, obnoxious and desperate or the geeky shy types that can’t speak for themselves and aren’t firm enough when they need to be. I told her I need someone more outspoken and loving and understanding, yet as rough and as tough as they need to be.

My sister called. I told her if worse came to worse she could check out apartments for me.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 29, 1991 Yesterday I woke up feeling like shit. I was really congested. I took my asthma pill and some Dimetapp and Brenda gave me some Anthramycin which is an antibiotic. As long as I eat a little before taking it, it doesn’t play with my stomach.

Yesterday I woke up at 7:30am. Today I woke up at 6am. Nice, huh? Now wait till I have to perform this Friday night. But my point is that even though I woke up with a coughing fit after I’d slept 4 hours like I usually do, I woke up later feeling great! The antibiotic really helped with my congestion. I haven’t sneezed yet and haven’t blown my nose 5,000 times.

I’ve had half a cigarette though and I’m gonna do the 2-3 a day thing rather than 5-6 to really lower my nicotine level and try quitting again. Kim offered me 5 bucks a day if I quit. That does make it more encouraging, besides the idea of being able to breathe and sing without clearing my throat or sneezing.

Speaking of my voice, God is it really developing! I’m really getting to be quite a good singer. It gets more and more brilliant and vibrant.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 27, 1991 Russ came over yesterday before noon. He asked me to write down every time it got cold and what the temperature was after putting a thermometer in each room.

He told me he was prepared for the judge to allow me to stay until October but that he hoped it wouldn’t come down to court. There’s nothing solid or valid he could do or say in court, and I told him I would move when I’m ready to move.

Tomorrow, I’m going to call legal aid.

Later…

I was over at Brenda and Bonny’s place and I played them the edits I made early this morning. They’re not bad. I gave Bonny this T-shirt she liked and she gave me a denim mini-skirt. She also gave me little bulletin boards in the shape of the letters L and R. L and R can stand for Linda Ronstadt.

Kim will be here any moment for a sign language lesson.

Lisa, the girl I met at the Pub said she’s home all the time. Well, she must have her ringer off if she did give me the right number cuz I tried 4 times and there’s no answer. She’ll have to call me.

I’m starting to get a little tired. I hope Bill’s not here too long. Also, Andy needs to bring over my videotape along with his so I can record his show.

Later…

I’ve had a great day today. Bonny and I have gotten to be pretty good friends. “It’s better than fighting,” like she said.

Andy and I had a nice visit although the woman he’s renting from is really treating him like shit. He’s moving back in with his parents by Valentine’s Day.

Bill, Andy and I had a nice talk, and I played them my new edition of the edits.

I’m beat cuz I’ve been up since 2am, so I should sleep quite well. I just hope that none of these fucking street animals wake me up.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 26, 1991 Andy and I performed tonight. Neither of us won, but it was fun just the same. The audience and the judges didn’t dislike us, but we both felt we were nothing special and could’ve been better.

It amazes me how many people I know. People came up to me before the show and talked to me that I didn’t even know that knew me from previous shows. This one guy remembered when I signed and said that was “fierce.” I saw tons of people I knew who complimented me after the show and I was also complimented by people I didn’t know. Raven was there along with Emie, Loopie, Candy, Jasmine, Miles, W.C., Scott, Rachel, Dedra and at least 20 or more other people I know.

I met this incredibly feminine girl named Lisa who gave me her number if it’s the right one. I wasn’t too impressed with her hair which was short on top and spiked with a long tail in the back. Her body and her face were beautiful, though. She’s not bi either, she’s just gay.

Last year, though, I would really be into her and meeting others. I used to be so eager. Now my heart’s just not in it like it used to be. There’s still a great part of me saying, “All I want now is to be alone and I’m not even quite ready yet for a one-night stand.”

I saw 3 other girls who were even more gorgeous, and yes, I would do a one-nighter with them right away (one at a time, of course). One was straight, as usual. The other 2 were a couple, also as usual. They were so feminine, though, and each one had such nice long dark hair.

Also, I chatted with the cops.

Later…

I broke down in tears thinking about this shit with Russ and finally said to myself that I was going to put an end to this either the easy way or the hard way. So I called Russ and asked to speak to him. He said sure and sounded very friendly and sincere. I figured he’d more or less have nothing to say to me.

Anyway, I said to him, “How can you be so cruel and vindictive when you never were before? You’ve done me favors such as not having me pay last month’s rent and got me movers. So why are you so eager to see me out on the streets when you know I have nothing, no money, no family and nowhere to go? I have never hurt anyone or anything and I don’t know what you can say in court or if this is a tax-related thing or what. You even said so yourself that it would get cold in here when it got bitter cold outside and you know there have been several other tenants complaining. If you’d stop putting temperature recorders in here that say it’s a temperature it’s not, then I’ll forget about taking legal action if you’re willing to drop this and turn up the heat.”

He sounded friendly, as I said, and said he’d like to stop up and see me sometime before noon. I’ve no idea what he’s planning, but I’ll write about it once I know.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 25, 1991 Shadow’s climbing all over me. I swear this cat is so affectionate and loving. He follows me everywhere. I should’ve named him Glue instead. Earlier I was running around the living room with him. We have several games we play.

I spoke to Andy a little while ago for the second time. I told him I’d record his show for him on one of my tapes.

The reason I’ve been sleeping during the day, which of course is never hard to do, is cuz as I mentioned before, Andy and I are performing at the Pub a noche.

Andy told me another bizarre thing. First, let me back up and mention Angie. I don’t think I did mention her. A while back, not even a month ago, we went to the Pub and I eyed this girl, she seemed prettier than usual and had Andy speak to her for me. When he came back to where I was sitting he said she was a rude bitch. He said she said, “Well, after I dump this asshole I’ll think about it.”

She was with another girl. Angie was totally smashed and the next part of the story will tell you so.

As Andy and I were leaving at closing time, we walked by Angie and her girlfriend and Andy goes, “Now, here’s the better-looking girl,” and she saw me and insisted I come back to the bar. She hadn’t seen what I looked like till then.

Now here’s the sad but typical part. Especially for a bar person and a fairly good-looking one. She screamed out so the whole bar could hear, “Will you lick my pussy?” Then she did the usual trick people do and gave me the wrong phone number.

What’s bizarre is that Andy was cutting through this Laundromat to his mother’s store that I’ve been to before, and it turns out Angie works there. That Laundromat is a dump. I used to go there when I lived on Oswego St.

He said he said her name to be sure and she said, “Yeah, I’m Angie. How’d you know?”

Then Andy told her, “You don’t want to know.” Andy said she had no makeup on and looked tired.

He also said that maybe God sent him to walk through there to find out where she works so I can take it from there.

I definitely don’t want a relationship nowadays with even the right person. I just wanna have fun here and there, but not with just anyone. Right now what’s most important to me and mainly on my mind is having what I’ve never had in my entire 25 years of life. Sex with someone I’m really sexually attracted to and turned on by if only for a night. I’d rather have a few one-nighters here and there even if it’s only 5 a year with someone I’m attracted to, rather than get serious with someone who doesn’t really matter.

Later…

I went through all my journals and I’ve kept journals for 3 years and 3 months now. I went through each one and wrote the entry dates on the covers. I guess that’s gonna be my new thing. I’ve written 360 days of the 3 years and 3 months’ time. On the cover of each book I wrote the month and then each day of that month that I wrote.

I think I’m gonna go lay down. It’s fucking freezing in here! That little fuck of a bastard landlord of mine. Boy, do I ever want to hound the shit out of him!

Later…

The housing people are coming on Monday and I called Mom who was being her usual bitchy self and asked if she’s heard from him, which I doubted, and she hasn’t. This shit Russ is pulling is definitely tax-related as well as to raise the rent when I’m gone. But I’m gonna be here for a while, and if Russ keeps this shit up, it’s gonna cost him more money than a profit.

A few years ago when Nellie and José pulled their crap on me by ripping me off, I brought up charges and was able to drop them over the phone after being paid back by Nellie. Well, I just tried that by calling the courthouse saying I was Jenny and it didn’t work but all is still well cuz I’m not going to court.

I will not give Jenny the satisfaction of showing up for a lousy slew of prank phone calls. Jenny got exactly what she deserved and I know lots of other people have done the same.

I haven’t heard from John R since he got fired from Mercy Hospital.

I tried calling the Laundromat where Angie works and no one’s there now but this retard janitor. Guess they don’t open till 10:00. I’ll try again soon.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 24, 1991 When I finally fell asleep I’d been up for 20 hours. I awoke at 8:30 this morning. I’m surprised I didn’t sleep longer since I couldn’t fall asleep till 4:00 this afternoon.

I called Community Care and left a message for Martha saying I wouldn’t be back. I figure how am I ever going to learn how to suppress my feelings and be independent if I continue therapy? Yes I know I’m already what most people would call mega-independent for a girl my age especially. All except for my source of income. I’m not gonna get into my income except to say yes, I’d much rather earn it by singing and someday I will but for now, I do not feel guilty. The state owes me. They fucked me over. And over. And over.

Although I’ve known all my life that being a famous singer was destined, I also knew it wouldn’t come young. I figured I’d be between the ages of 30-32. I knew it’d be fast once it all started. That may be why it’s not coming till 30-32 rather than now.

Also, I knew that the Gods had lots of learning experiences for me and survival tests lined up for me and boy have I now had 5 lifetimes of that! However, I am grateful to have learned some of the things I’ve learned. What you don’t know can hurt you or severely frustrate you or raise false hopes for you.

I am surprised Andy and Fran haven’t tried calling. Also, there was no message on the machine from Brenda.

Later…

I am going to try to stay up till 9:00 when the Western Mass legal aid office opens. I need to speak to a legal intern who’s got some advice for me. I don’t know if I wrote about it yet, but Russ is being a prick by trying to evict me. I know it’s cuz I’ve been demanding the heat that I pay for in my rent that I haven’t gotten along with several other tenants. This may also be for tax purposes or to get people out so he can raise the rent. My parents and Tammy are pissed at him and Dad referred me to Legal Aid. The little fuck, though, wouldn’t speak to me or Tammy and never called Dad back. He refuses to give me a reason while he told Andy it was cuz I didn’t like the neighborhood so I can move out. I was in the ER at the time so he handed the notice to Andy.

I went down to the housing court and the woman there said that cuz I pay on the 1st, he can’t evict me till February 9th. He gave me a 30-day notice on January 9th, but by law, the little fuck can’t do shit till March 1st. Hopefully, Russ will hurry up and take me to court so I can sue him there and try and get rent back payments for the months I froze my ass off. That’s probably what that Wendy at Legal Aid will tell me to do. I mean, what the fuck does this prick expect to say or do in court other than make a spectacle out of himself. Steve says the jackass will drop it. Bullshit. I know how people are. When they start trouble they start trouble but this little fuck obviously doesn’t realize he’s fucking with the wrong girl.

Same with Jenny C. Court on March 6th! HA! Jenny got exactly what she deserved, so she’s going to have to enjoy going to court herself cuz I sure as hell won’t be there.

Later…

Me and Andy are performing at the Pub this Friday night. He’s gonna do If I Were You by Stevie Nicks and I’m gonna do Words Get in the Way by Gloria.

Speaking of Gloria, she’s got a new album due to come out in 5 days. I hope there are some songs in Spanish on it. I wish I could’ve gotten that album with a lot of her songs in Spanish on it including Words Get in the Way (No Me Vuelvo a Enamorar). It would be better to do the Spanish version for the contest. I’ll need to order that album.

Brenda gave me 2 ciggies so now that’ll make 7. I’m really gonna pay for this. God, please don’t let me have a bad attack till I can once again get up the will to try and quit again.

Ok, time to move me, my coffee and my phone to the bedroom where I’m nice and comfortable.

Later…

I woke up feeling fairly good. I slept with my humidifier on.

Little fuck Fran’s up to his shit again. I woke up to a message from his neighbor Debbie accusing me of saying I’m gonna hurt her 2-year-old daughter and that Fran got a call from DES. I then had to explain to her how long I’ve known Fran and how little she knew him and that she had quite a bit to learn. This poor girl was terrified and I assured her no threats were made. Fran got her all worked up and it’s obviously a rejection issue or the fact that Fran had a horrendously lousy day. Debbie said I sounded sincere and I told her not to worry about Fran’s BS and not to let it get to her. I also told her to tell Fran that not only is he not welcome here anymore, but he’s not welcome to call me either. Between the shit Fran pulled with my mother along with other stuff and now this, that’s the final straw and I don’t need him.

Andy left a message about returning the videotape of his so I can record his soap. I called over where he lives and Gail says he’s not there. I also called over at Brenda’s, assuming he’d be there, but there was no answer.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 23, 1991 I have therapy today yet I don’t know how the hell I’m going to get there. I slept till almost 8:00 last night.

Andy came over last night and once again things are fairly good between us now that we’re not living together. See, when you have a fight with someone over the phone, you can just hang up on them. It’s not that simple when you’re living with someone.

Since Sunday I’ve been having 2-3 cigarettes a day and it’s catching up to me so I’ve got to be careful again. My back pain’s back and I’m waking up coughing again.

MONDAY, JANUARY 21, 1991 Yesterday my niece Lisa turned 8.

The day before yesterday I had about 4 cigarettes. I was terrified to go to bed thinking I’d wake up with a wicked bad attack, but I woke up fine. In fact, I feel better than I have in a long time. My nose and lungs are clearer and I’m not tight in the chest and there’s no back pain. Today I’ve had only one, but I could really go for one now.

Later…

Right after I last wrote, Jimmy gave me a cigarette which was my second. I fell asleep at 9:00 this morning figuring it’d be easy to get up at 1pm cuz I’d slept so many hours the day before. How wrong I was. I was dead tired. I didn’t get up until a few minutes before 4:00 when Bill rang the buzzer. I remained tired ever since but at least I got my grocery shopping done. I want to do more laundry tonight but I’m too beat. Last night I did two loads from around 12:30-2:30 AM. It was quite convenient as I’m a night person and knowing no one would be using the machines.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 19, 1991 Sure enough, I fucking woke up hacking my brains out about an hour ago. I had fallen asleep right after I last wrote. I definitely have a cold. No doubt about it as I can really feel it now.

Andy said that even when I feel I’ve kicked the smoking habit, I’ll still have urges. Of course, I know I will every so often and Andy’s been supportive but I think he’s starting to get jealous somewhat. God knows he’s very capable of that too, as I’ve seen him display jealousy before. It’s ok to feel a little jealous of someone now and then but it depends on how you handle that jealousy. Andy has quit before for 10 days two different times. Depending on the situation, I sometimes will look at a glass of water as being either half full or half empty. Andy will always see it as half empty.

Well, the street animals are out playing musical horns as usual.

Thank fucking God Andy will be here in less than 12 hours!

Later…

I wish to hell I could go back to sleep for a while. I have a lot of shit I need to do today and I want to sleep tomorrow night to be awake for Sunday’s voice lesson.

I started to get really pissed off with my urge to smoke. Even though they’re not intense, they’re still pretty frequent and I know it’ll be this way forever. The thought of always craving a cigarette pissed me off to the point where I held one and stared at it. I told myself if I smoked it, I’d have a severe attack which is true. I told myself I didn’t want to ever have to go to the ER again and be within inches of death 24 hours a day and in so much constant pain that I WISHED I were dead. I also thought of my singing. Yes, craving one is a better way of suffering, but it’s going to suck just the same. Since I do not drink or do drugs, it’s hard not having something of some kind to do, and watching others smoke.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 18, 1991 If I’m such a cruel nasty bitch who has so many bad points and not too much good, as people like to tell me, then why do people bother with me? Why not go find someone like themselves? I’m sorry but I just don’t feel guilty or selfish cuz I want to live alone. Or be myself.

I haven’t talked with Steve or Jessie for the longest time. I’m not good enough for them. That’s how I feel. I can’t help but always feel that with everyone even though I know I have good qualities. If I dump all my friends I won’t have to worry about communication and being misunderstood. Or feeling like I’m not good enough or a burden to them. People can be so contradicting, too. They play with my head. I’ll say something in which they’ll say they agree with 100%, then the next day they’ll use it against me and play me for a fool. Like, “How dare you say that Jodi!” But yesterday they agreed with and fully understood what I said. I’m no longer gonna be made to feel ashamed, foolish or guilty about the way I feel about things. The way I feel is the way I feel and who and what I am is who and what I am. Not what others want me to be, say, act or feel.

Later…

The little wimpett is going to start moving today and be out by tomorrow. I’m counting down the minutes.

Another reason I haven’t spoken to Steve is, that I’m tired of the “Andy said” bullshit. It puts me on the spot when I’m all of a sudden hit with something Andy said. Then I have to defend myself and explain something he made up or twisted around to make them dislike me or misunderstand me. He loves to turn people against me and he’s dropped plenty of hints that he’s had some pretty long and heavy-duty talks with his friend Adam concerning me. With many others, too. If you typed up all he’s ever said to people about me, he’d have a 3” thick book. Of course, in the long run, as far as Andy thinks, he’s 95% right and I’m 95% wrong.

Later…

Tomorrow Mr. Melodramatic is out of here. Thank fucking God! I can’t wait to have this place back to myself. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be here but God only knows I’m counting down the minutes till Mr. Antic is out of here.

It shocks the shit out of me to say that as of 1am tonight, it’ll be 5 days, going on 6, since I last smoked. Amazing, huh? Not that I’m not getting urges here and there. I am. But the urges are very brief and 5 days is fantastic seeing that the longest I’ve ever made it before was just a tad over 2 days. My back pain is gone. And I am no longer so severely short of breath. I’m still a little tight in the chest, though, and a little wheezy and still coughing and sneezing some. Besides having bad withdrawal I also have a cold. The cold is subsiding much quicker than it would’ve if I smoked still. It’ll be really nice to only have a cold for 4 days out of a year rather than 300 days out of a year.

Later…

Jesus, I’ve been up for 22 hours! When am I gonna fall asleep? I think part of it is cuz I’m so psyched for Andy to get the fuck out tomorrow morning. Wait till the people he rents from finds out he doesn’t do chores and he breaks things. Or tries to when he isn’t getting his way. Wait till he himself finds out our friendship is over.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 17, 1991 Well, in an hour I’ll have gone 72 hours without smoking. The reality of it all still hasn’t quite hit me, but everything’s gone just as I predicted. Just like with the Navane and other things I’ve predicted how, why and when they’d happen. Some predictions, for example, with the Navane and smoking I predicted 3 or 4 years before it happened. Before I quit, I mean. I could see how it was gonna happen too, and why.

Later…

Am I ever psyched for Andy to get the hell out! He’s supposed to move this Saturday to rent a room on Dickinson. Yeah sure, but I’m like, get this wacko outa here! Andy never really was a true friend. Not in all ways, but in some ways. The reason I’m running around calling him a liar about this and that so much lately is cuz he’s done it so much to me. He can’t take his best friend’s word for anything so now he’s seeing how he likes it. Why would I, or any other 25-year-old need to lie? I’m not a child who has to fear punishment if the truth is told.

I cannot wait till he’s outa here and I will never ever let myself get into this situation again. I, of course, should’ve known better with a person like Andy. Or his type. Andy just freaks over anything and everything. I know plenty of other people who I have much less in common with but could live with them so much easier. However, I never will live with anyone again. That’s how I felt before Andy moved in so I sure as hell won’t change my mind about that now. He has lived here for almost a month.

Later…

The last sentence got cut off cuz Andy and I started talking. We also played the piano and sang. I still say, though, that yes he has a lot of good qualities, and yes we have a lot in common, but God he can be an asshole!

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 16, 1991 While I’m waiting for Martha I can tell you how well I woke up. It was 5am and fucking Andy asked me to wake him up at 7:00. I told him to set his alarm in case I fell asleep and I did. I then woke up briefly at 9am. The next thing I know, the little fuck is saying, “Hey! Hey! Don’t you have an appointment?”

It was 1:15 PM and my alarm had another 45 minutes to go. I wanted to kill him! Then the little fuck goes, “Thanks for waking me up.”

I told him it’s not my fucking responsibility to get him up. I also set his alarm and he said it didn’t work so he took his anger and frustration out on me by waking me up. Then the immature brat plays the answering machine messages back loudly, stomps his feet and sings at the top of his lungs. Is this guy ever going to grow up?

His favorite show had 20 more minutes to go when he left, and I had had it with his bullshit, so I stopped the VCR from recording.

He’s got two days to get the fuck out.

As for the good news and yes, believe it or not, there is good news. Very, very, very good news. I have not smoked since January 14th!!! No, I do not feel like I want one!!!!!

Later…

I let it all out in therapy today. About how despite the fact that there’s a lot of good in Andy, he’s also an immature, spiteful, selfish little boy who only will hear what he wants to hear. And how he’s got to either condemn or make someone miserable in some way when things in life aren’t going the way he wants.

He’s over crying on Brenda and Bonny’s shoulder now as he’s not man enough to face me. Like last night when he said how his mother said it was wrong for him to go to Brenda. I simply said, “Andy, you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do, believe what you want to believe, say what you want to say, and hear what you want to hear.”

He’s a wimp and even though he’s turned Brenda, Bonny and Steve against me, I know they’re really fed up with him crying on their shoulders and needing a babysitter. Of course, God help someone if they should be upset or sick and go cry on HIS shoulder.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 13, 1991 Well, I’m still feeling like shit, unfortunately. There’s no feeling worse than wanting to pick yourself up, be happy, be productive, but you just can’t. My asthma’s killing me and I’m still under mega-stress. Way more so than I’ve been in a long time. I mean, this has got to stop, but I feel helpless. Like I don’t know where to begin to help myself. It just isn’t always easy. I miss those days when I was productive non-stop and could physically bounce off the walls for endless hours. I was a dancer. Now I take two steps and my heart’s racing or I’m wheezing or both. I wanted to kill myself for getting so out of breath with only two bags of groceries to carry up. Two years ago I could’ve run up those stairs 20 times.

I still can’t stand having Andy here. Even if I lived with Brenda I’d go nuts, even though she’d be easier to live with cuz she’s more easygoing and calm compared to Andy.

Andy looked at a room on Mulberry St., but I’m afraid he’ll be here much longer than I can stand. Andy and I will remain friends, but I may move to CT since there’s nothing for me here and Andy and I will save money and then maybe move to PHX.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9, 1991 It started to snow a few hours ago so I was off by one day but that’s still close.

Right now I’m listening to Andy, Fran, Tracy and Raven make prank phone calls. Raven was in the lip sync contest and never won. She was a pitiful drag queen and literally froze on stage, but seems to be a nice person. Fran’s taken him in for a month till he gets a job. Well, like Tracy said, Fran’s good for taking people off the streets.

Last night was a hell of a night. I had a severe migraine and was crying for hours in bed till I finally threw up twice. Of course, Andy didn’t give a fuck and I knew it so I held it in and suppressed the urge to scream out. I needed someone so badly last night. Well, I had to puke instead cuz Andy would’ve freaked if I woke him up. Plus, he’d rather make me feel worse than better. I get shit on whether I speak positive or negative about myself. The guy who’s supposed to be my best friend’s busy turning my friends against me and constantly talking shit to Brenda, Bonny, Steve, you name it. He said, both to me and others, more negative shit about me than positive.

I’ll write more later since all I have to talk to is this book unless I hold it in till I puke. But puking is better than trashing things, though I can’t believe I didn’t. Reaching out to people and communicating with them only gets me in trouble and misunderstood so I’d rather puke and lose weight.

MONDAY, JANUARY 7, 1991 Well, it didn’t snow today like I felt it would, but they say it may snow Wednesday.

I met this really nice nurse named Kim at Baystate ER. She’s super nice, open-minded, and the type you feel you’ve known for years the second you meet her.

She was on her way home when I was standing outside the ER entrance when I saw The Joy of Signing book in her hand and we took it from there. It turns out that we have a lot in common and I’m giving her sign language lessons. We’ve met 3 times so far and today she took me to Valley’s for baked stuffed shrimp in exchange for me to teach her sign language. However, she really is doing me a favor too, by giving me a chance to use my sign language and to keep on top of it.

Later…

From now on I must learn to be my own therapist. I shall try to discuss as much as I can about my feelings with myself or write them in this book. I always admired myself for being able to speak my mind but now I find it’s better to keep my mouth shut most of the time. Communication only starts fights and arguments. People often misunderstand the things I say and do and take me the wrong way so what’s the use? I’m gonna just start going along with as much as I can except for things like sex with an ugly woman or a man. I want to learn to talk less and be able to cheer my own self up when I’m depressed or sick as independently as I can.

I’m really proud of myself for last night. I had a massive asthma attack and I was terrified. I mean fucking terrified. I was crying tears like a leaky faucet, but I didn’t wimp out to anyone. I was about to dial 911 and say, “Look, it’s been hours that I’ve been trying to fight this off and I just can’t.” Yet even after being told at the ER what a risk it is to your heart and in other ways, I beat it on my own.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 5, 1991 I just took some decongestant medicine Brenda gave me and I'm so drowsy now.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 1, 1991 Age 25

New Year’s Eve sucked. First of all, Jimmy, downstairs, and I made a big mistake of picking up Fran and bringing him over. Fran embarrassed the shit out of Jimmy who had Mike and Lisa over. Mike and Lisa live next door in #11. Jimmy’s in #10 directly below me. He’s getting evicted which sucks. He turned out to be an ok neighbor. With my luck, some jackass will move in who’s the type that’ll freak if I have the stereo on the lowest volume.

Fran was drunk off his ass. He couldn’t stop playing with my hair, slapping me and Andy on our heads and he fucking raided the kitchen as if he hasn’t eaten in years. He’s not ever again coming over here.

Tracy was over tonight. She lost a lot of weight.

Andy and I had a huge fight and we shoved each other. Much later when we were calm we laughed about it, admitting we were glad we shoved each other to get our frustrations out.

I really do hate having a roommate and I explained to him that it’s gonna take some serious getting used to and adjusting. I’ve been alone so long and I do prefer it that way. 3 years or so ago I’d have jumped at the thought of having a roommate, but as I’ve gotten older, my desires have changed. Just like I really don’t care to be with a woman or to have a baby anymore. I do want to very occasionally have casual sex, but not with just anyone. I really wish someday I could have one night, just one night, with a woman I’m attracted to and I feel that spark with, rather than a woman who’s just ok. I know it won’t happen, though, and I accepted that a long time ago. Well, like I always said, better to fantasize about first best, rather than to settle for second best. Another reason that’s better about fantasy is that if the relationship is getting rocky, you can simply click it off and out of your mind. You certainly can’t do this in a real-life relationship.

[umichenginabroad]

Visiting Vietnam Part 1 (Week 16)

As final exams approach, the University of New South Wales offers yet another study week of no classes allowing students to relax and study up for finals. For those of us here for just a single semester, however, this means another opportunity for a long trip! After a frenzy of examining ticket prices and receiving feedback from friends, we landed on Vietnam as our destination. Most of my roommates were all traveled-out and weren’t interested in a long trip just before the end of the semester, but that didn’t stop Shaunak, Charlotte, and I. Before I knew it, I was on a flight to Ho Chi Minh City, and then to Hanoi (after missing the first connection to Hanoi due to a line at customs that could probably wrap around the moon if fully extended). Our first day there was dedicated to settling in and making our way to Ha Giang, the northern province of Vietnam where we would be getting on motorbikes and biking around the mountains and villages for 3 days. Below is everything I recorded about those first few days in Vietnam:

First day in Vietnam!! We kicked off with a good start dropping our bags off at the hotel we had to cancel on the night before after missing our flight. On our search for an ATM, we found that crossing a street has never been so difficult. From bikes appearing behind you out of thin air to a never ending stream of traffic, it takes skill to know when to commit to crossing a street. I felt like the chicken from the game Crossy Road. It took us a few tries to learn that you just have to start walking and the cars/bikes will go around you. Overall, with a population of 100M people and land area the size of New Mexico, Vietnam is very full of hustle and bustle. This being our flex day, we walked around, came across a phenomenal lunch spot with endless dumplings and juices and duck for just $40 usd for the 3 of us, briefly visited the Ngoc Son Temple, went to see the train that passes right through a street of cafes, and went to the Imperial Citadel of Thang. While waiting for the train, I enjoyed a classic Vietnamese Egg Coffee made with condensed milk and an eggy foam on top. To say this was one of the best coffees I’ve ever had would be an understatement. For dinner, I had an incredible shrimp soup and chicken curry. Vietnam isn’t exactly known for its curries like Thailand, but I was still thoroughly satisfied. We then picked up our stuff and went to meet up with our tour group for the next three days doing the Ha Giang loop. I have literally no idea what to expect, but I’m currently on a sleeper bus on the way there so there’s no turning back. Sleeper buses appear to be a common form of transportation here to get around cities at night. Two birds, one stone!

^ Hanoi Train Street where a train passed right in front of us and I enjoyed an egg coffee. 

The hard part at this point was that nobody was telling us where we were going or what was going on. We kind of just trusted that it would all work out. I was in and out of sleep until about 2:30am when I was awakened to someone holding a phone inches away from my face with google translate open reading “You have arrived”. Just like that, we were herded off into some building (a hostel), we were shown to beds, and everyone passed out. This all might sound like good fun, but when you have no idea what the plan is, no cell service, and nobody to communicate with, your brain just can’t predict what’s about to happen. Especially at night when you’re disoriented. We were being led into the abyss. 

^ Me, Shaunak, and Charlotte at 2:30am after 6 hours on the sleeper bus.

The morning was a bit better. We finally met the owners of Road Kings, the company in charge of the motorbike tour. They got everyone fed with either pho or a banh mi (Vietnamese classics), explained to us on a big map where we would be traveling the next three days, and set us off with our motorbike drivers. 

^ A map of the Ha Giang province where we would be traveling for 3 days.

It took just 15 minutes on that bike to absolutely fall in love with Vietnam. The motorbike was a bit scary at first, but the wind blowing in my face and the incredible views made me feel more alive than ever. I can’t even express into words how beautiful this country is. My mouth dropped on that bike more times than I could count. This scenery might genuinely be the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. Little green mountain humps digging deep into the horizon. Farms and crops growing all up rocky hills. Little villages following the valleys. I can’t wait for the next two days on the bikes. My butt and legs definitely hurt after some time, but boy was it worth it. We stopped several times at random outlooks (had some incredible coffees today including a silver coffee whatever that is) and then went to a waterfall which was a little overrun with people (from other bike tours) but it was also nice to see. We were then led to our hotel accomodation which was a lot nicer than any of us expected. The meals have also been great and in the form of several family-style dishes ranging from veggies to chicken to soups. We ended the night with some karaoke! Time to get some rest before breakfast at 8am.

^ An average meal on our trip. Two drinks and two coffees were included each day as well.

^ Two of my favorite lookouts.

^ Our first accommodation out on the road.

The next day was full of more incredible views as well as a stop at a river that leads into a cave where you can swim. I had never swam in a cave before, so the experience was definitely one to remember. We ended the day in Dong Van, a city and rural district of the Ha Giang province. We went out into the square of Don Van and it was all lit up and quite beautiful because of a holiday/festival that I think just ended. Lights around shops, signs, and streets seem to be a motif in the cities we’ve visited. We also tried this interesting drink that was made of boiled ginger with rice paper balls, but I couldn’t tell you what it was since getting information has been hard with no translators and limited cell service. 

^ Yet another incredible lookout.

^ My driver and I!

On our last day with the bikes, we visited the Vietnam-China border at the very northern tip of Vietnam and then had a looong drive back to Ha Giang. Time flew by on the motorbike with the constantly changing views, but the time took its toll on my lower body. The scheduled stops and stretch breaks were a godsend. Before we knew it, we were on the sleeper bus back to Hanoi. 

I can’t put into words how beautiful Ha Giang province is and how awesome the trip was. All I can say is that the words “wow” and “beautiful” were playing on repeat in my head. The sheer vastness of the mountains and valleys decorated with terraces, farms, villages, and more was all something I never want to forget. I will surely be back. 

My next post will cover our next day in Hanoi as well as two days in Ho Chi Minh City. Cheers!

David Bayer

Biomedical Engineering

University of New South Wales in Sydney, Australia

[lutzgettogether]

mew

swapping stories , i dont remember yours and you dont remember mine. figuring things out day by day, together. i’m really happy i have you. i don’t think i would have made it this far alone.

i’m surprised no one ever broke a head on that fireplace

that stupid bitch in my head won’t shut UP

you don’t know anything. but i listen to you anyway. cause sometimes , actually , you do know things. you know things before i even do and youre always right. except for when you aren’t. and i can’t distinguish.

like you think your brother hates talking to you. but then he facetimes and we talk for 2 hours. or you go to Idaho and he comes into your room at 1:30am to say he misses you and wants to hang out. so there’s no way he could hate me, right? but the moments between those moments she tells me he does.

or that Kat is annoyed with me and doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, i’ve slowly come to terms with the fact that we’ll never be friends again. but she tells me she can’t see a future without me in it. I’m always there standing next to her. she tells me that she’s in awe and loves how honest i am in my feelings. we’ve planned a trip next weekend. so i take a sigh of relief , and a deep breath in, then i hold it because i’m scared again.

i live my life in limbo , it’s jittery and tired here

it’s like doing a line and taking a flexeril , someone is whispering in one ear and screaming in the other

lately not even sleep has offered reprieve. multiple times a night i wake up with a gasp and my eyes wide open, i’m constantly in flight. but i can’t even fly for real, now that’s really some bullshit.

it’s crazy the things i forget. OH BUT DONT FORGET THIS , he put his hands on you tonight and you took them off. god job. i’m really proud of you for standing up for yourself.

my brain is yapping away tonight , i’m done now. yappy yap yap yap . good night

[2centsofsilver]

Elmo Session 2/6/24 Tues

Here are some notes for today’s session which I scribbled out last night in journal entry form to myself. I figured you could read them during or follow along as I go through them. 

•Made significant headway with insurance call re surgery

•Ordered and read chapter 1 of Emotionally Immature Parents book; highlighted many points and journaled corresponding bullets. Should I send them to you? Do we have time in sessions to discuss amidst everything else?

•Didn’t finish CV but researched jobs extensively and made spreadsheet to help narrow down where to apply

Somatic Feelings I Can Identify re: PDX & Fear:

•Bad feelings in my stomach like something I’m not supposed to do 

• Feeling of falling & isolation; lone; incapability like need to hold on; fear dissociating while driving bc leaving core/root behind 

• Feelings of being punished for doing something really bad: bad doom; feeling in trouble, or like about to get in trouble 

• Closer I go, the more I feel like something in my mouth/throat stopping me. 

• Feeling of is this right decision? Feeling like what if I’m making big crime like mistake 

Other Notes of Reflection, as prompted by new book (but still have other notes more specific to quotes not shared below):

•Raised w/o self sufficiency 

• Understanding fight response; hate it most bc it’s mean to ppl I love. It’s untameable. It doesn’t make sense when it just starts in. Pushing away and confusing sweet ppl. Make myself more and more hated while desperate for connection; feels like I’m burying hole and choking. So embarrassing. Can’t come back from it. 

• Numb barren zero visible action; they see low Ex Fx so someone unable to ‘do anything.’ Sometimes I worry their words are true. And I get so depressed. Feel far away from self. 

• Feel close to self when out listening to music. 

• Feel scared like how am I ever going to get out of this entrapment. 

• Why can’t I find anyone to help me; why can’t I find anyone to help me scaffold this.

• Scared to submit job apps bc then it’s real and I’m trapped/can’t get out. 

• I want someone to just hold me and tell me im worth it. Missing Tiffany. Want Someone to hold me I can snuggle up against. And I can feel complete and capable of this. But I don’t have it so I have to do it with a super fucked up confused and scarce brain. 

• Why won’t my brother see as real person or me moving as a legitimate event to make happen. It’s senile to me. 

Last few days, reflections on our dynamic & events of last few days:

• Parents betrayal: “we won’t help you with Elmo, Amy, or your masters— you have to use Exxon for that” — makes me feel twisted up in throat can’t breathe. Makes me feel twisted like screaming crying curling up and dying bc confused why I’m being punished for that. They said they’d pay for ED treatment and know I’ve been waiting for Amy’s new program to begin early 2024. 

• Dad called my actions “elder abuse” today (action was me texting him at 7:30am and asking if it was AM or PM and that cat is scratching). He always says text him if cat scratching walls and this is well after the time he normally wakes up. But he came stomping into bedroom while I was sleeping and naked and said this is elder abuse that I’d text a “preposterous question” (I sleep texted it) and that it’s elderly abuse to “imply he must go feed my cat” but really I just wondered whether I’d only slept a few hours having gone to bed 4am or whether I’d slept all day and maybe it was 7:30pm not AM, so I could assess whether I was functioning enough to go downstairs and feed cat or if she was even hungry at all. In recent days dad had no problem calling Lilah away from the walls she scratches and letting me get more sleep but he was so enraged and came stomping in and I screamed that I had no clothes on, to please not come in. He yelled at me so badly, I said “this is abuse,” he said “elderly abuse.”

• They were questioning why I didn’t come down and meet their friends who came over on Saturday but I told myself I wanted to honor my boundaries by sleeping all day bc I didn’t want to show my face in front of people my parents have threatened to have talked shit about me to in the past. 

• They also originally told me just Mike my brother was visiting this past weekend, not with Brie so I didn’t prepare for her. Then she came and I was very caught off guard and not in Self at all. I couldn’t access any parts work at all and was just horrific mood, the kind of mood that encourages negative interactions between me and my parents, like egging it on and being immature and ridiculous. I don’t think that’s autism. I think it’s well within my control but then why do I do it. I know it’s not DID but Just seems like entirely separate personality and most times I don’t even know when I’m in it till I open my big fat mouth. 

• I hate when my parents ask me how I’m going to survive in Portland or fill in the blank with whatever is relevant in the moment. Like if I say mom will you grab me a spoon since you’re standing right there, they say, “how will you get your own spoon in Portland?” It’s becoming more and more frequent. I say they are being ableist and discriminatory and they say I don’t know the words that I use, that the word is “enabling” and that they DO enable me by “waiting on me” and that I’m not self sufficient but rather dependable. I say enabling and ableism are two unrelated things but dad says I’m full of shit. I say I will care for myself how I always have and they act like they’re at a loss for any molecule of that being a qualifying answer. 

•They see my executive dysfunction the last 7 months and constantly bully me about it and I say it’s a product of neurodivergence and they say that’s a cop out and excuse. In response I have tried to actually clarify what ND is and my dad says OK OK YEAH WHATEVER KATIE ANOTHER WORD THAT ISNT REAL. And I’ve just never felt more trapped and alone and erased than I do when I’m with them. 

•So it’s very hard to get myself in a state of mind where I can take big exciting risks like moving out or to Portland or anywhere when all they make me do is wanna blend back into the couch I’m slouched into or the walls that I’m a gnat on. I no longer need to educate or convince them to change— I’m shifting beyond that. But in conversation sometimes my responses to their bullying is simply “I’m neurodivergent” not in an effort to get them to understand, but rather an effort to play an active role in the dialogue and stand up for myself (otherwise not responding just leads to worsening conditions such as my dad later commenting that I don’t listen or hear them and am not aware of my surroundings and have no sense despite the fact that inside my head I am a critical thinker and intellectual and creative who is non stop analyzing everything going on and all my plans for the future). 

•So while I no longer am trying to get them to understand where I’m coming from, I do feel I deserve to offer my response to their accusations or shaming methods or attempts to ask me something. When I set clear boundaries tho of not wanting to talk about Portland or timing of moving etc it’s bc planning it makes it feel real and makes me feel scared and uncertain, unable to give them reliable information when I myself am not even sure I can do this. But they say I’m blocking them out and not including them in the planning process bc I’m inconsiderate and selfish.

These were just scribbled out notes I made last night in bed, not well written so I apologize if they were difficult to follow.

[feuqueerfire]

Twinkling Watermelon Live Blogging

Came across some Tiktoks (I think the first one showed up on my FYP on my phone) about a deaf girl in school being tripped by a group of girls and a girl being nice to her and with a guy who's yelling at her for making fun of him but her not understand but then !! I found this Tiktok in the tags which has characters from this series and My Perfect Stranger who time travelled back in time to when their parents were teens! Not only that, the main guy in this is the son from 18 Again (aside: I've been Obsessed with this OST again for the past week this January), which this show kinda reminds me of even though that one had the parent turning young in current timeline rather than time travel. Then I realized that it's actually a really hyped show that everybody seems to be watching.

Anyway, been a long time since I watched a full-length kdrama that's not a rewatch (From Now On, Showtime! in June 2023), so I hope I love it. Again, bad timing because busy with school but the thing is, it's nearly always bad timing, so here it goes I guess.

Episode 1 (Jan 19, 2024)

It's 1:30AM and I'm starting this lol, I'm gonna just watch 15 mins and go to sleep so that I have something to look forward to/be excited about when waking up tomorrow

Do all these shows always start with something bad/scary happening so that it's used as a hook? I'm just remembering Psychopath Diary starting with this guy's worst day of ever which made me stop watching lol The events with this ingredient man seem like it'll turn sour

you're not gonna show me what the father answered smh will it be revealed at a critical, heart-wrenching moment in the future?

ahhh the fuckass landlady and her fuckass child i can’t believe the kid is threatening him with eviction if they do t cheat So did Eun Gyeol erase and put his own name again afterwards? idgi

From what I know about this show, Eun Gyeol goes back in time + makes some sort of music band? So I’m gonna assume his dad actually wrote this song or smth (turning his “I feel sorry that only I can play songs like this” untrue) and he used to be able to hear?

My current bad habit is wishing we could go back to grownup Eun Gyeol so that I could look at his pretty nice face. Like brooo pause on being someone who loves to look at pretty boys and focus on the story at hand

Girl we once again have: worst day of ever. house on fire, grandpa dead/injured, flashback to when his dad said he’ll save Eun Gyeol first to help save the others

I hate this girl’s guitare case so bad idk why the shape of it gives me the ick - anyway is she the girl who saw him crying in front of grandfather’s store? and is she gonna be his love interest?

oh it’s a cello case + it’s the brother’s gf (Eun Gyeol wouldn’t steal his brothers gf right?)

wait lol what’s happening i got so confused. + the weak hero class guy intro (not park jihoon), is he the landlady's kid all grown up?

oh lol anonymous busking

Well the random watching 15 mins and go to bed didn’t quite work out bc i did go to bed but finished the ep on my ipad instead of sleeping lol it’s like 3AM now rip

As I was watching, occasionally, I’d be like Oh that’s Shinwoo from 18 Again. Slightly wrong, the name was Shi Woo, but why do I remember even that fr?

No time travelling yet but a good start.

Was looking at the r/kdrama On-Air posts and it started off with posts w 100+ comments, then 200+, then 300+, and the final one has 800+ comments lol, did it blow up after the show finished airing or was almost at the end?

Episode 2 (Jan 19)

The secondary guy and the cello girl are both annoying right now but I assume they'll both grow, get better, etc. like firstly my guy why are you following around and stalking this girl T.T if he wasn't so overwhelmingly charming/endearing and we weren't seeing his side, it'd come off much creepier. and she's obviously like being forced to be in a strict schedule because of her family or whatever (wearing the pink dress while longingly looking at the black one lol) and she'll stop being the "ice queen" as time goes on, but idk I feel like there are characters who are kinda snobby but makes you like them regardless, whereas she's not quite hitting that for me

but him getting embarrassed about his open pants zipper and running away while covering his face was cute tho

hmm this older man (Yoon Dong Jin) was in a band in high school and he's the only one of the members who still does music... was Eun Gyeol's dad in this band perhaps? and was he the one who had the big accident to make him deaf?

This new band thing for Eun Gyeol happened so fast, tbh like no camaraderie? No getting to know the band members?

broo the landlady hit the dad's car? are we joking lmao

relying on a kid for interpreting serious matters is just So Much pls just write or text amongst adults

And also the father making his son say inflammatory stuff to the landlady (or the mother to that ingredient seller beforehand) instead of writing it on their own like cmon

okay at least they mentioned that there was a professional translator for the police convo, she was late but then again, c'mon let's use some writing utensils. they texted Byeong Ho when he was a kid

girl not this Mess in this band + the Eun Gyeol spilling his guilt and guts about the fire incident

The thing is I feel no desire to watch Eun Gyeol go back to this band. I want him to follow his dreams, do music, etc but not necessarily with these people - specifically that drummer guy agh

this fawking guitar T.T I knew Grandpa left it for Ha Eun Gyeol in his will

I knewwww I shouldn't have started this episode before finishing my important, pressing university lecture. Anyway I'm stopping at 42mins for now, hope I can do homework for an hour before coming back here lol. okay I did homework for an hour :)

Oh yeah, I forgot I thought the ice cream shop guy might've been grown up landlady's son but I don't think so anymore ig since when would he have hit the father with the car? + his name's Lee Chan (update: Yi Chan). I briefly thought he was the young father maybe but like him and Eun Gyeol are connected through the cello girl

oh wait, the tiktok I saw of the deaf girl falling and getting dirty water on some pretty, popular was in the current timeline? Idk why I thought maybe it was his mom in the previous timeline or smth

oh girl this girl gave the cello girl the shirt and then leaving, fuck don't say lesbians they're not lesbians you're just gonna get your heart broken but...

plsss not the rock band t-shirt making Yi Chan think she likes bands

oh does the deaf girl like Yi Chan or something? In the poster, Eun Gyeol and cello girl (Se Kyeong) are on one side while Yi Chan and newly introduced deaf girl are in the other side hmmm

okayyy the hyung is on Eun Gyeol's side

naurrrrr is this landlady gonna take a photo of Eun Gyeol holding a cigarette? my guy already drinks while underage, let's not get into this too

oh lol pls not a photo but thinking he's doing drugs with them

ahhh and then the landlady throwing it back in the father's face like okay okay some of these are correct (well he's playing at the club... but he does drink) but yikess

wait what happened to his mask?

oh fuck (father-son confrontation)

oh fuck again (when Eun Gyeol's saying he's not his father's trophy nor an interpreter nor an alarm nor an angel)

of fuck (not his father saying you should've told be more, should've convinced me but Eun Gyeol being like how? you can't even hear like D: girl)

oh fuck Eun Gyeol leaving without even saying sorry for the last part

I get him a little bit because it really is so suffocating to live under your parents' expectations and he had sooo much responsibility thrust onto him

he was about to smash the guitar?! girl

oh magic ooh~

girl he's selling the guitar? the grandfather's guitar? well i'm assuming it'll come back to him again but oh wow this really is a 16/17 year old (18 yo in Korean age)

Okayyyy so Yi Chan really is Eun Gyeol's father as a youngster? and the deaf girl is his mother? And the cello girl is maybe the woman who is the Viva Music grandfather's daughter? Because when we saw the woman move into the house with her cello daughter, we didn't see the daughter's face. So this Se Kyeong is actually the mother from when she was younger?

Yknow early in Ep 2 when it moved from Eun Gyeol leaving the band practice to Yi Chan asking his friend for Se Kyeong's contacts + the hijinks with the cello performance, it really did seem like we went to the past/another dimension but I was like hmm maybe not.

ahhh indeed musician Yoon Dong Jin's high school band Fake First Love Memory Makers included Ha Eun Gyeol's dad Ha Yi Chan. I'm guessing the

so he really didn't know his dad could hear and speak in the past. I thought they knew

Okay, I'm glad we moved to the past! I'm excited to see how this goes.

Let's see if I can finish up my homework and other stuff for the day before I end up picking up ep 3. Hopefully the reddit on-air commentary + searching for this show's first week gifs keeps me busy for I crave the next ep.

Episode 3 (Jan 20)

lmaoo the “phone cal to Dong Jin’s gyubgeon was funny”

so Eun Gyeol is gonna take over real life Yoon Dong Jin’s identity? how will this affect the future?

lol he was running bc he needed to go to the bathroom? i thought lat ep he was being chased or smth

cryingggg i love the hijinks that happen at first when the person who time traveled or whatever doesn’t yet realize they need to act normal and go wild with the first interactions like with 18 Again turning into a teenager but claiming to be aging Shia’s father

plss Eun Gyeol staring so intently at his father

lol okay i was glad that these guys were just exceptionally dumb and being fooled by eun gyeol into believing he’s Yoon Dong Jin and that he didn’t successfully somehow fool everybody ever

ahh so true Eun Gyeol is like wtf my dad joined a band not for the music but for a girl and that girl isn’t even my mother !

I hope Yoon Chung Ah (the mother) gets some proper story as a youngin because she wasn’t there much as an adult and even when she was, it was like she just wanted the dad to be happy hmm

I fucking wish they were lesbians talking about Frida Kahlo lesbians sharing headphones

plssss his dad had told them that Eun Gyeol’s mom was his first love??? Eun Gyeol finding out so much about his father

ahh the mother keeping everything from them about her life and saying it’s a secret till they’re older

ah, Eun Gyeol talking about how he stopped being curious about his parents lives because he thought he knew enough…

oh shit he’s homeless rn

waittt so Yoon Dong Jin’s life is now changed fr since he joined a diff band and not this one

TODO: change Lee Chan -> Yi Chan

auuauauah Se Kyeong giving a ticket for the band concert she’s going to Yoon Chung Ah

how bad is the bullying/fighting gonna be for the other girls against Chung Ah? i wasn’t prepared for super bad bullying

okay Yi Chan and Chung Ah met but also Eun Gyeol and Se Kyeong met and I’m hoping nothing romantic happens between them lol and also I don’t want him to get together with Se Kyeong’s daughter either as if through some sort of transitive property

Episode 4 (Jan 20)

ohhh Se Kyeong started doing cello to impress her mother and fill in the space of her dead daughter

ohh so that the Viva Music grandfather was her adoptive father

plsss not Eun Gyeol asking young Se Kyeong why her older self didn’t come to his concert nearly 3 decades in the future with her daughter

but wait her first love was also a “bandman” um so she ended up liking Yi Chan? maybe she meant her first love (Chung Ah) was a bandman lover

omg? Chung Ah’s flashback to some ripe strangling her or smth?

simultaneously thinking that Chung Ah and Yi Chan are cute while mourning Chung Ah and Se Kyeong. The girls won’t become enemies or something later, will they? Can’t handle another True Beauty tragedy

dang, somebody else trying to fuck with Se Kyeong so she thinks Eun Gyeol was sent by them?

ohhh her biological father…

but would he be the guitarist guy since the flower man already looks p old and like he had white hair when Se Kyeong was a teen?

pls Eun Gyeol hiding behind a tree is killing me so bad

lolll Yi Chan having to team up with Eun Gyeol to escape grandma’s wrath

lol getting tested by great grandmother on math. oh yeah i forgot he was doing reeeeally well at school and was supposed to be a doctor or whatever

wait wtf sudden realization that the hyung with the long hair and bad music and Yoon Dong Jin knower pretender is maybe Mr Viva Music grandpa? but he’s supposed to be at least a decade older than Eun Gyeol’s dad + he’s not Se Kyeong’s either dad so maybe not

Eun Gyeol watching his father and great grandmother sing and dance and remembering her and wondering about his joyous dad and crying ahhh family

they sleep the same way omg - Chung Ah’s stepmother chairwoman evil

not Chung Ah setting up her crush Yi Chan with Se Kyeong bc he likes her

I can’t believe Chung Ah’s ruining my lesbian ship dreams like this like Se Kyeong is literally waiting for you at the concert?!?!

bro Yi Chan is such a fucking menace why is he yelling Se Kyeong’s name in the middle of the street girl i’m embarrassed

no like I fully understand why Se Kyeong is mad as fuck even though in this instant it’s not Yi Chan’s fault that he’s there

not Eun Gyeol showing up to have his dad’s back about the band lol

So is Se Kyeong really not impressed by Yi Chan still? good I hope her “I hate band stuff” is real and true and that she and Chung Ah don’t like the same guy (ideally they’d like each other but)

ahhh Eun Gyeol has realized The Accident that his father was in hasn’t yet happened and will happen (this year)

Also, I really do wonder about Yoon Dong Jin like his band memory forgetter whatever disbanded because a member got into a big accident but he’s not even a member anymore

I guess now Eun Gyeol will be trying very hard to prevent his father's accident.

Fun Fact: I knew about 18 Again and Twinkling Watermelon sharing actors (and having kinda similar concepts) but apparently Youth of May also comes into play

Show: Father - Son

18 Again: Lee Dohyun (young ver.) - Shi Woo/Eun Gyeol actor

Twinkling Watermelon: Eun Gyeol's dad (adult Yi Chan) - Eun Gyeol actor

Youth of May: Eun Gyeol's dad (adult Yi Chan actor) - Lee Dohyun

Episode 5 (Jan 20)

Ahh Eun Gyeol previously being like fuck they remember that I wasn't there the day of the fire and couldn't help my brother and he also remembers that there was a time he was drowning and was yelling but his family couldn't hear

The dad has already hinted twice about having his voice taken away/losing sound in his life, how did Eun Gyeol not catch on?

I know people are often into bromance (people being me. I watch half these no-romance, intense bromance shows with either it being a BL in my mind or thinking one of them likes the other romantically) but are they into this bromance or are they put off by the incest? I don't really care this time, I'm more invested in the lesbians because Se Kyeong is literally in love with Chung Ah to me

I do love Yi Chan's pretty girl mannerisms, playing at being an innocent girl being perved on lmfao

Eun Gyeol talking about how the reason he travelled to 1995 is to stop the accident from happening to his dad and hmm I'm pretty sure that's not it. My guess/hope would be he doesn't change too much from the past, the accident still happens, things still happen mostly as they would've without him, but he gets to spend time with and see and understand his parents in a new way

I'm sorry I'm really supposed to believe what Se Kyeong feels for Chung Ah is not lesbianism? Miss girl doesn't give a fuck about saying bye to her bf, is thinking about how she's never coming back to Korea when her best friend asks but is searching for Chung Ah in the airport crowds hoping she shows up?

plss "How should I learn an instrument and sing in 3 octaves in 3 days? Should I give birth to a son and bring him somehow?" and Eun Gyeol just sipping his drink

and Oh Ma Joo inadvertently insulting Eun Gyeol by insulting Yi Chan by insulting his hypothetical son

aw grandma's dream being to see Yi Chan go to college

"Why are you being so nice to me/helping me out all the time?" "Well you saved me a few times in my previous life"

bro Se Kyeong is literally writing a letter to Chung Ah, how is this not gay? At least one sided?

Eun Gyeol's cheeks just going up every time he's complimented and unable to not smile - Gunwook core tbh

auuuu Eun Gyeol eats just like Yi Chan and has the same preferences and has grandmother being like ll y'all acting like you're related ahh reminds me of that ML with mother-in-law with the beef meal scene

oh, so the Se Kyeong coming back and being rebellious wasn't a dream. Was that also how it was in the present timeline and she was lying when she said she was there from 11th grade until her dad died? Because if not and she just randomly came back this time unlike the original time hmm I feel like Eun Gyeol's existence in this timeline hasn't influenced her enough to do all that

Anyway, she seems more fun and loose now, so does she actually like bands? she did a rock guitar motion in the middle there once... so does she actually end up liking Yi Chan? or would it be Eun Gyeol or smth

waittt this random guitar store called White Night's owner is Se Kyeong's biological father and will likely become Mr Viva Music grandpa okayyy bad casting but sure

ah, Se Kyeong caught on that Eun Gyeol very explicitly doesn't want her around Yi Chan

Girl, Se Kyeong's home life exploding rn?

I remember someone on a reddit on-air thread was like maybe Se Kyeong's daughter also came back in the timeline and just looks exactly like her mother and I was wondering if this did happen but hmm, doesn't quite seem like it because she already knows everything that Se Kyeong is supposed to

nooo I get why Yi Chan feels so wronged but don't yell at Chung Ah !!

Wait... his dad met his mom at 20 after going to a sign language class... I guess in the original timeline, Chung Ah just saw Yi Chan chasing Se Kyeong (while harbouring a crush from the bookstore incident) but Yi Chan didn't know her and this time because Yi Chan was escaping from Eun Gyeol, he ran into that other PE teacher who he had to run away from and thus ran into Chung Ah closet. And I guess if that didn't happen, Chung Ah wouldn't have given that concert ticket and that whole fiasco wouldn't have happened, neither with Yi Chan and Chung Ah nor with the jam session at the concert that Eun Gyeol stepped into.

Finally Eun Gyeol meeting his mom - Chung Ah!

not the meeting of all 4 of them in front of the ice cream shop

Insane ending, straight to ep 6 oof

Episode 6 (Jan 20)

damn, they sent Cheong Ah's mother away? D:

Her fuckass dad took her mom who knows where and brought in the stepmother fucking immediately? crazy

ah, her trying to teach Cheong Ah to speak (cruelly too) instead of teaching her sign language

and isolating her as punishment helllll

wait, so Cheong Ah doesn't properly know sign language because of this?

omgggg not the party where Se Kyeong played cello and Yi Chan had his zip open being in Cheong Ah's backyard where she's not allowed to attend

This would've happened regardless of Eun Gyeol interference right? So in original timeline, the mother must've liked the father for a longass time before properly meeting

omg Yi Chan making Se Kyeong wait to go apologize to Cheong Ah

but then being a dumbass bro what

the watermelon keychain + Viva La Vida belonging to Cheong Ah? girl everybody and everyone connected in this story fr lol

no she's fr playing with Yi Chan (convincing myself she's just going through it and doesn't like Yi Chan fr and there'll be no fight or sadness between her and Cheong Ah about liking him)

she doesn't remember how he knows her address?

ah fuck so scary, Se Kyeong really has a noose in her room

You know with the guitar playing and now skating, whenever it shows the bottom half of them doing the activity without their face in frame, I wonder if that's a stunt double or whatever?

fawk, if I wasn't rooting for Yi Chan + Cheong Ah out of principle and I didn't know that Se Kyeong is really fucking going through it and mostly just messing with Yi Chan, I would've really rooted for her and Yi Chan in its current form (her being bold as hell, showing up in a motorcycle and bringing tickets for a theme park date while Yi Chan is nervous and shy despite being a very boisterous boy with a very healthy dose of ego)

Eun Gyeol doing his best to 1) make sure his dad doesn't get into an accident and 2) ruin his dad's date with another girl

Eun Gyeol and Se Kyeong antagonisms are fun

How would you react to somebody thinking you have a crush on your real father lmfao anyway brings me back to what the BL fans are making of this relationship

personally not really into fictional character incest either but otherwise, I would've actually been really into the bromance, it's so funny Eun Gyeol speedily catching Yi Chan in his arms while pushing away Se Kyeong while all the other guys go to save Se Kyeong

pls they all think they're dating or smth

and now Se Kyeong being like oh do you like me actually?

I actually really could be into Eun Gyeol and Se Kyeong too (have I said this about every single pair out of these 4 except Eu Gyeol and Cheong Ah?), they're funny in their antagonisms as I said

Also, she kinda reminds me of Beyond Evil Minjeong with this new personality

also I'm into noona romance lol but would def prefer that he's not in HIGH SCHOOL

damn, tough fight and Eun Gyeol leaving

Ah, as expected, if he goes back to 2023 now, it'd be to a very different time

oh I thought he was gonna get shocked from touching his electric guitar in the rain but mic works too

ah, so it has indeed been Se Kyeong's daughter? since the out of order phone rang? When Se Kyeong didn't know how Eun Gyeol knew her address, I was like hmmmmm but it seems too hard for her to know all the rest, so I thought no. I also thought she'd say I'm from the future when Eun Gyeol first confronted her about why she came back and he was like being like loll your reason can't be worse/weirder than mine

Episode 7 (Jan 21)

First thing in the morning, watching the next ep rip

Ah, people in the on-air thread were mentioning that the lugagge tag was Eun Yoo when she came from America in ep 3

Also, I wonder whether Eun Yoo knows that Eun Gyeol isn't supposed to be there? she's never properly met him in the present timeline. ig it'll be fun when they realize the other's from the future too? and then they'll fall in love, which is good bc I was afraid that Eun Gyeol was gonna fall for Se Kyeong here or smth and then settle for like lookalike daughter in the original present timeline who was obviously a different person

not Se Kyeong emulating her mother in a bad way toward her own daughter

hearing adult Se Kyeong talk about her first love being a bandman is so funny because like well first of all, you were in love with a girl: Chung Ah. also, it kinda makes me think that despite her saying her first love was a bandman who was bright as sunshine, cheerful, and manly, it's somehow not Yi Chan because like she mentioned the boy who started a band for her but didn't mention he's her first love. Makes me think it's Eun Gyeol or smth but they barely had any interactions fr and like I don't think adult Se Kyeong had met teenage Eun Gyeol

ah, she really is going back to stop them from getting married and getting together with somebody else instead (although... can't Se Kyeong just do the same stuff as original tl since she's in America? and even if not, her pretending to have a relationship with Yi Chan isn't gonna make it happen fr - although maybe she thinks that if she can get herself and Yi Chan in a relationship and bring Se Kyeong back, she'll get together with her first love easily)

loll the $1 bills never having been changed

okay indeed Se Kyeong's first love isn't Yi Chan

loll Eun Yoo's gonna think her first love was Eun Gyeol despite Eun Gyeol not having been there in Se Kyeong's original teenage timeline

omg Se Kyeong wrote the letter/note in the concert ticket envelope... do I go check to see what she wrote? Okay I rechecked and it's nothing super romantic, just saying she was surprised that "you" were into bands and an invitation to go to the concert with her. but guys my lesbian goggles are just...

Yi Chan and Chung Ah are really cute fr I'm like :] :D :) watching them

naurr Eun Gyeol leaving and not taking the guitar pick (do we think somebody else - Mr. Viva grandpa - gets it and gives him back to him as a child)

Se Kyeong never had a meal with Eun Gyeol or Cheong Ah, so her first love is neither of them - lesbian dreams crashing once again. but who knows, maybe there was an event at Cheong Ah's house where they snuck together to eat food

but also funny that Eun Gyeol doesn't even appear on Eun Yoo's list of who Se Kyeong liked - does she know Eun Gyeol is a future kid too?

oh lol she just thinks Eun Gyeol likes men but him liking men wouldn't mean Se Kyeong still couldn't like him.

Since they're father and son and we established they eat the same way, I'd assume Eun Gyeol can also handle spicy food since Yi Chan's eating it like it's nothing

All these fucking photos of Eun Gyeol staring at Yi Chan I'm crying, no wonder Eun Yoo is convinced that he likes him

Eun yoo saying Eun Gyeol makes her heart flutter somehow...

plss naught eun gyeol making money writing essays etc

auuuuu this is the part time to buy yi chan a guitar

oof yi chan realizing how he treated eun gyeol

naur Cheong Ah losing Yi Chan and Yi Chan getting beat up

ah, Cheong Ah and Eun Yoo meeting, in my head Eun Yoo will realize who Se Kyeong really loved is Cheong Ah

omg they really beat the shit outta Yi Chan and he's feeling so abandoned too

omg Ha Eun Gyeol going back to 2023 by trying to smash his guitar. I guess we'll see how his (+ Eun Yoo's) actions have affected the current timeline

They need to stop making the last scene of the episode sooo intriguing all the time smh I should really really really really do some homework and chores right now

Episode 8 (Jan 21)

aghhhh I'm starting ep 8 immediately, maybe I'll find some willpower in the middle there to pause and do some things I have to

Where's Eun Gyeol's bag? and he's also running away without his guitar

fuck kid don't be too happy, I don't think something good is awaiting you

oh waittt okay they're not too bad but I'm scared that the mother will not be Chung Ah...

but also in this universe, why does the dad not realize his son looks exactly like his teenage scam artist friend with the same name lmfao (ig he actually named baby Eun Gyeol after his friend who disappeared)

damn, he's even telling the story of his "dream" how is the father not being like haha. my son was my tutor back then. and is chill about it? how does he not remember?

okay I shouldn't think too much because how are Eun Gyeol and his brother born when their mother isn't the same - Se Kyeong instead of Chung Ah? And in that case, shouldn't Eun Yoo also exist?

okay, was that a dream and a glimpse into what it would be like but not fr what it's like? Anyway, does them getting married mean Yi Chan really was Se Kyeong's first love?

ohhh he's gonna meet Cheong Ah properly soon

ah Eun Yoo not remembering Cheong Ah

alskdfasl;kdfa;sdlkf jskldf ja;dklsf Cheong Ah seeing Se Kyeong-Eun Yoo be able ask for help and communicate with Yi Chan while she's not able to nooooooo

aksldjflksajflkasdfj passing by Cheong Ah and Eun Gyeol realizing just a bit too late and having guards stop him from following her as she calls her Mom

Se Kyeong's friend is Cheong Ah's step sister and theoretically Eun Gyeol's aunt. Also, what's that mom doesn't like you see the brother with the Attorny man? Is he gay?

god the evil stepmother and daughter and useless+evil stepson

auuuuu Eun Gyeol is here and signing with Cheong Ah but she doesn't know sign T.T but she does know Eomma sign lol

The father also seems evil if this has been going on for like a decade or whatever...

also is Yi Chan gonna find Eun Gyeol's guitar pick by any chance in the hospital?

stop wasting time with Yi Chan's galavant tale of 10 v 1, let me go back to Cheong Ah and Eun Gyeol

plsss "Yoon Cheong Ah found you" "Your friend Yoon Chung Ah?" "My friend Yoon Chung Ah?!" and her being like hmmm yeah! so true! we got close because she's easy to talk to! and he's like huh? isn't she hearing impaired? and Eun Yoo being like she is?!

laskdjfkl;sdfj so true Eun Yoo's dad is her mother's boyfriend (to be?) and she's pretending to be her mother T.T

Are we not seeing the Cheong Ah's dad and Eun Gyeol convo right now...

hehehhe so fun to have Eun Yoo and Eun Gyeol both thinking like oh fuck is he my mom's first love and noooo she can't marry my dad and be my mom because they don't know the other is from their own timeline. i hope they figure it out before the end of the ep

pls Eun Gyeol falling for Eun Yoo thinking she's Se Kyeong - and Eun Yoo has also had slip ups thinking of liking Eun Gyeol

auuu not Eun Gyeol being mean to Eun Yoo so that Se Kyeong doesn't end up with Yi Chan but idk what being mean to her would even do, but rip Eun Yoo getting hurt because of it

They're both such rascals, it's fun

aghhhhh Yi Chan not getting to talk to Cheong Ah (was it true she said no or did the step mother just decide) and then missing Eun Gyeol as he goes to that same house...

so is Cheong Ah's father like lowkey not evil or what? giving Eun Gyeol room and board to teach Cheong Ah sign?

also does Cheong Ah remember Yi Chan asking her if she knows someone names Ha Eun Gyeol?

oh he's a jerk nevermind fucker

Adult Cheong Ah teaching baby Eun Gyeol sign and now teenage him teaching teenage her sign

ah fuck him crying like his mom taught it to him as a child but now seeing that she didn't know how to sign when she was his age and was being treated this way by her family

pls my parents are... in another world right now

ohh Eun Gyeol basically being Cheong Ah's interpreter right now

pls the way Se Kyeong and Cheong Ah both know where Eun Gyeol is and now he's also enrolled in the other high school but the band doesn't know rip

plss Eun Gyeol going heart eyes over Eun Yoo but acting cold and mean smhhhh asshold

plsss not the fucking school band performance from first love memory makers at Eun Gyeol-Cheong Ah-Se Kyeong's school

oh wow I wish Eun Gyeol and Yi Chan weren't father-son or that I wasn't so icked out by fictional parent/child incest because this fucking I love you Ha Eun Gyeol song is crazy, it's like a confession scene

also so funny that apparently nobody has caught on that Se Kyeong is right there

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

lmfao I'm dying now he's like yes I'll come back to the band but you can't date Choi Se Kyeong because EYE like her

Episode 9 (Jan 21)

I took like a 30 minute break from this show to do some stuff that needed to be done before coming back here lol

aiaksdlfjaskldfjskadlf Eun Gyeol getting punched by Yi Chan instead of getting chosen omgggg

omg Eun Gyeol landing a punch on Yi Chan as well?

girl this is too much excitement for me

plsss Eun Gyeol cooing over hurting Yi Chan

This show lovessss a hair clutching fight

not the parallel running away now with En Gyeol and Eun Yoo (as Se Kyeong)

Eun Gyeol about Eun Yoo as Se Kyeong when she goes on about him using her as a shield/beard so that he doesn't have to come out about liking Yi Chan: Ajhumma was ahead of her time

Does Eun Yoo think now that Eun Gyeol probably did fall in love with Se Kyeong at first sight and maybe had smth with her mom and her mom's first love fr and is why she's easily being like okay :)

her kabadoning him so true

so true, what does somebody even make of this situation - new guy who comes in to help Cheong Ah gets in a fight with another guy from a diff school over a girl and said girl is actually supposed to be in the US

This is so funny because he's probably like I'm doing aegyo to my mom :) in his head but it comes off maybe romantic and Eun Yoo (and me...) are like aww he's cute

not the physical punishment at school

ahh Eun Yoo not knowing whether she wants him to be able to eat the food or not bc she's conflicted about whether she wants him to be the first love or not, esp because he'd be with her mother

and Eun Gyeol asking about the answer to his confessions omg

serenading Se Kyeong? who is it if not Yi Chan?

poor Eun Gyeol "Why are mom and dad both doing this to me?"

lmao now they're gonna be competing about Se Kyeong on stage - meaning they'll both serenade her? lol

paused the show to go read the ep 7&8 on-air thread and somebody mentioned Yoon Dong Jin being a possible first love for Se Kyeong and it feels really possible since he was that band's original guitarist. Other people are saying it's probably actually still Ji H wan (her bf/ex-husband) and she's just reminiscing about what it used to be like and it'll be ironic that despite trying to search for a new guy and forge a new path for her mom, she's still looking for her dad.

The fact that Eun Gyeol still thinks of Eun Yoo as Se Kyeong as Ajhumma

lol idk why I'm so endeared by Eun Gyeol and Eun Yoo

Eun Yoo being like am I your two's toy? You can just decide whatever? at being told Yi Chan and Eun Gyeol aren't allowed to see her till the festival so true

Did Eun Yoo learning sign because of Eun Gyeol's hyung?

ah, Yi Chan saw Cheong Ah's drawing of him...

Eun Yoo is so real and true about "playing" with both Eun Gyeol and Yi Chan because they also keep playing with her

Also Eun Gyeol is kinda cruel fr for asking Eun Yoo to like him back/pass him the ball while he thinks she's Se Kyeong and as a ploy to get her away from Yi Chan. I know he likes her kinda a bit but still...

Are we supposed to think that they kissed? No right, because it wasn't even an angle kiss... Just that Eun Gyeol leaned in while Eun Yoo didn't?

Episode 10 (Jan 21)

Menace Eun Gyeol breaking up with his brother's GF and making it worse T.T

waitttt Eun Gyeol was breaking off with 4 of 5 of his hyung's GFs? girl mans is too much 5???

plsss not the "you grew up well" flashback just as they were gonna kiss

oh we really did get a kiss (even if it's close lipped and stiff)

al;skdfj;askdf not only did Yi Chan ask whether Chung Ah likes him but Chung Ah answered truthfully

oh Eun Gyeol's gonna think Yi Chan said both what he said and what Se Kyeong said... I guess that's okay? idk

The Chainwoman stepmother is just too much

I need Eun Gyeol and Eun Yoo to find out that they're from the future soon pls

oh fuck Eun Yoo's friend committed suicide... why did Se Kyeong become SUCHHH a bad mother though tf telling her "don't let ppl say you became #1 because your friend committed suicide"

Ahh Eun Yoo really is in a very bad mental space

aw Chung Ah being like it's fine ik you like Se Kyeong, we can still be friends

Grandpa Choi isn't the one who's the helper that the guy sent you but he's literally Mr. Viva Music Grandpa

Dying at Eun Gyeol being alert at every mention of Helper now

alskdfj Yoon Dong Jin so funny

Oh Ma Joo the only person with braincells cuz I was like why are they running away T.T

Them getting beat up by the other band members for the 2nd time bc of Yoon Dong Jin, so funny

plsss soooo close to finding out that Eun Yoo sold the guitar to La Vida fuckkk he was even like oh could she be my helper??? aksdflaksdfj lkEun Yoo you should've saiddddd

Oh, Cheong Ah's Viva La Vida watermelon keychain comes from the painting by Frida Kahlo but I wonder how it relates to Viva and La Vida music stores

ah Yi Chan and Chung Ah so cute

ah fuck Eun Gyeol literally saying he's from the future and saying Se Kyeong's future to Eun Yoo, they musttt be getting closer to finding out about the other, right?

ahh Viva La Vida being told to Eun Gyeol by Yi Chan (adult) who was told about it by Chung Ah

It's sooo funny that Eun Gyeol approves so quick whenever Yi Chan does something for/gets something from Chung Ah. Like changing the band name and designs because Yi Chan said Chung Ah can design it. And now agreeing to watermelon stuff because he realizes Chung Ah taught Yi Chan about Viva La Vida

omg??? wait so okay the accident happened before the band festival... and the band also didn't go to the festival (meaning Se Kyeong's first love is someone else. and since Yoon Dong Jin also didn't go... probably just her Ji Hwan fr lol or she's making it up like some comments suggest)

The watermelon painting by Frida Kahlo is reminding me of Palestinian resistance as well.

Episode 11 (Jan 21)

I can seriously barely wait between watching episodes aghh

oh Kang Hyeon Yool beat up the gangsters for beating up Yi Chan, so that's how he ended up being injured too at the hospital

but what's this about Do Jin coming back... and maybe being stabbed in the back...

ohh Jindo dogs means gang members lol I thought it was a joke about him fighting with some real dogs when in fact he got beat up randomly or smth

oh damn, are these gangsters gonna try to get Yi Chan to get at Hyeon Yool('s weakness)? I'm gonna assume it wouldn't really work because it feels like it should be more ironic of an injury or smth

Not the girls urging Eun Yoo to keep Ha Eun Gyeol as a public option, as a humanitarian action lmao

plss every boy and girl falling over themselves for the same student is so silly but Eun Yoo and Eun Gyeol being those said students and dating would be a slay

lolol Eun Yoo being jealous about Eun Gyeol readily receiving the flirting/compliments/gifts with a smile and threatening him for it

ooh Eun Gyeol can't handle spice

okayyy I was wondering if Eun Yoo was also like "Eun Gyeol's an old man. An ajumma. not my first love, my mother's" the way Eun Gyeol was thinking Ajhumma about Eun Yoo as Se Kyeong

Maybe the accident isn't actually related to Yi Chan? But Kang Hyeon Yool and the Jindo dogs gang? Because of the way this info is being framed

Aw fuck, Eun Gyeol trying to stop Yi Chan going to the rehearsal which is obviously sounding ridiculous to him as expected but also Yichan saying despite Eun Gyeol pretending to have been innocent, he can sense something impure going on with him... crazy

plsss Eun Yoo convincing heself Eun Gyeol is ugly and old now and being like "Reality hit I'm so put off now" but immediately rushing to get dolled up when Eun Gyeol comes

dying, they sent Yi Chan to some fucking mountain island while they'll go on a date to the movies afterwards, menaces frrrr T.T

but also can you just figure out the future 2023 thing rn pls like quickly

mourning my Se Kyeong liking Chung Ah theories while seeing Eun Yoo and Chung Ah conversing

lmaoo Chung Ah menace as well, saying it looked like Eun Yoo liked Eun Gyeol more before going abroad

Anyway, crazy that Eun Gyeol was like ah yes, to protect my father, I will send him to a high up rocky mountain surrounded by water wtf

ah shit Eun Gyeol straight up just saying the future stuff to Yi Chan, woah

but ofc Yi Chan wouldn't believe him but maybe after something happens to Kang Hyeon Yool during the rehearsal?

girl wtf what if your father didn't know how to swim yet???? or couldn't help you by fucking jumping from a mountain be fr like why are you causing accident-prone situations to prevent accidents I'm crying. It makes me nervous that indeed it will be because of Eun Gyeol that an accident will happen that makes Yi Chan lose his hearing

oh fuck the way the lights fell on the stage and nobody got hurt... does that mean Yi Chan would've been injured or somebody else would've been but since Eun Gyeol made them come down to hear Oh Ma Joo, that other person was spared too

T.T Eun Gyeol just hugging and clutching Yi Chan while crying

Anyway, I need somebody to call Yi Chan and tell him about the incident or to see them tell him and have him realize that maybe Eun Gyeol is telling the truth

ayo why didn't they tell him about the incident at school with the lights falling on stage bruh

Eun Gyeol and Eun Yoo are just cute man

ohh I'm scared that they're legit having a rehearsal still

girl a fucking Squid Game reference and he's like hmmm ? and that's it?

girl, nawt Eun Gyeol fucking getting into a car accident on the way there tf

and yet he's still there to beat the shit out of that guy lol gj

ah fuck he thinks he prevented his dad losing his hearing but hmmmmm hm hm hm

Okay I should... finish up my 20 minute task for the day and then go to sleep. will that happen? I guess this document in the future knows better than I do right now.

Episode 12 (Jan 21)

Oof, ended up being like 40 minutes and now it's 12am but I'm a dumbass, so I'm starting next episode.

Awoo Eun Yoo waiting for Eun Gyeol but rip, can't blame him for running and not contacting her, mans got kinda run over by a car and still made it there for his father

Not only do they eat the same, they also dry themselves after bath the same

pls Eun Gyeol going back on the future thing with an excuse

I know we're supposed to be happy that the evil stepmother is being thwarted by the father but the way he treats his supposed wife is gross ew head of house blagh

oof, Eun Yoo's aversion to being a trophy and her being like you (and Yi Chan) are "hunting" and competing for me like ahhh so true, that's what I said

girl the way literally nobody wants Eun Yoo to choose Yi Chan for this contest, including Yi Chan himself even if he doesn't know it

Chung Ah's little gift ow

I can't believe Yi Chan's dream where he and Eun Yoo have a beautiful conversation while his son Eun Gyeol is ignored and pushed around is coming true lmfao

ah, so indeed it was her father who was her mom's first love

ah man Eun Yoo being mistaken as Viva Grandpa's daughter Se Kyeong and her not recognizing him...

Yi Chan changing the fucking song at the last minute I'm dead

ah Yi Chan moping about Se Kyeong but then going to see Chung Ah, yes!

ah fuck this Eun Yoo and Eun Gyeol convo - hard for me to disagree with her is the thing but also the ending with they're from "different worlds"

Viva Music grandpa again without knowing it's him

good god so much rejection and angst

The Eun Gyeol and Eun Yoo romance feels like A Lot from his side because like what are you even planning to doooo bro you're from different timeline but sure ig it's worth a romantic rain under umbrella moment

4 more episodes left ah

I'm scared to go check the tags because it'll be in November and like I don't wanna get spoiled yknow. Have to make sure to not look at a single gif after Nov 5th ig

Episode 13 (Jan 22)

They better learn about each other being from the future this episode!!!

I need to watch a noona romance one of these days is what I’ve realized. get some college kid with a noona/perhaps ajhumma fr cuz here he thinks she might be one but she isn’t and 18 Again was a fake noona romance lol

he saw the fucking luggage tagggg look harder dumbass!!

Im watching this in my bed in the dark on my ipad and the oh… the two of us are alone in this house… realization is killing me

air pod fuckkkkk find it out look at the luggage harder now that you’re taking it upstairs

is that how you’re supposed to put out fires?

im confused isn’t it a night with two moons right now? i guess not

but when is eun gyeol gonna fucking look at the anxiety meds in his pocket cmonnn

them referring to Eun Gyeol as Yi Chan’s son so funny

ahh Chung Ah saying I’ll manage it on my own, don’t you trust me? about Yi Chan to Eun Gyeol, she’s so cool

ahhhh Eun Gyeol started liking Eun Yoo after she came back from the US meaning it was her and not Se Kyeong. she’s so happy to hear it hehe

I saw gifs of Chung Ah with a cat

Yi Chan’s stalking habits never change

bro he’s just giving her back the anxiety meds? was nothing about 2023 meds suspicious

it’s Eun Yoo’s motorcycle why can’t she sometimes drive while he rides at the back

don’t throw anxiety meds away

ahhh Yi Chan confessing to and signing and singing to Chung Ah

ahh hug

finallyyyy they realize and with no help from their BRAINS just mere chance that they run into each other with their phones

Episode 14 (Jan 22)

It’s legit 3:15 I should just go to sleep but… but… they finally found out about the other time traveller

wow them finally talking about who they each are

ahh Eun Gyeol being like I already stopped the accident from happening and i think i came here to stop my dad from losing his hearing

ah the connection between them being Mr Viva Grandpa - Eun Yoo own real grandpa sekyeong’s father

cryinggg Se Kyeong just passing off BTS songs as her ideas

girl Eun Yoo learned sign language from some kid at the hospital who was charming… say it ain’t so (childhood meeting Eun Yoo and Eun Gyeol)

heheh teasing Eun gyeol about being born just fine, perhaps earlier than expected

is the evil stepmother not done omggg

i need the step mother ripped apart limb from limb and every bone in the father’s body broken for turning a blind eye for a decade

Awooo Eun Gyeol clutching and hugging his mom while crying after he finds her locked in

the grandma comforting cheong ah

Okay finally Eun Yoo has learned about Mr Choi Viva Music Grandpa Se Kyeong’s father

Ah, the hyung Eun Ho connection has come in. Eun Ho being the hospital friend is nice

still haven’t discovered the Viva Music Mr. Choi connecting you two

ah man as expected, Yi Chan’s accident hasn’t happened yet. what was the dateee is it in a few days I saw a glimpse of a gif of Eun Gyeol sitting in front of Yi Chan lying on a road

Episode 15 (Jan 22)

woke up and started this fml

dang they fought Jindo gang during rehearsal day during original tl too

brooo insane that we got to see the accident incident

also there’s always been the feeling that one of Yi Chan’s songs was the unfinished song that Viva Music grandpa gave to Eun Gyeol to finish but that seems almost certain now with him begging the guy to listen to his unfinished song and being turned away

also even in that original tl, was that Se Kyeong who came back from the US to talk to her bio dad? whose shoes were that

what did Eun Ho tell Eun Yoo that Eun Yoo didn’t understand?

ohh Eun Ho and Oh Ma Joo

aghhh this evil stepmother

Cheong Ah’s father so useless to me for real. It’s good when Cheong Ah’s slapping the stepmom, not him after having abandoned Cheong Ah to her clutches for 12 years agh

also I can’t ever tell if she’s actually a stepmom or not

pls let this be the end of stepmom it’s already middle of ep 15

not everybody leaving bc of Chung Ah’s food tasting bad but Yi Chan scarfing it down anyway

ah so nobody got hurt on the car accident. i was afraid Eun Yoo was gonna get run over instead

ahh don’t go to White Nights to see grandpa right now Ma Joo, either you’ll be injured or Yi Chan who’s gonna follow you will be injured

oh fucking fuck fuck fuck

this is both “trying to prevent the accident doesn’t mean it won’t happen” and “he’ll lose his hearing by trying to save Eun Gyeol” because it’s the same fucking car in the same place even if not the exact same time And it was to save Eun Gyeol man fuck but this is what I wanted because it’s got the irony and pain but doesn’t take away the disability

oh don’t fucking kill me, Yi Chan saying in the voice recording that Eun Gyeol lied to say he’s Yi Chan’s son but Yi Chan felt like Eun Gyeol was his father and felt fatherly love

The I’m sorry dad as he’s holding his injured, bleeding body and crying

Awoo hurts

Episode 16 (Jan 22)

Oh fuckass okay stepmom and family aren’t ever done i suppose

Also, it wasn’t same car as og timeline my bad but this time the car really was coming for Eun Gyeol and Yi Chan intercepting meant even more

Hit and run fucker hopefully Eun Yoo remembers the car number

not a fucking montage of Yi Chan’s college life and band and stuff possibilities

Aw fuck I didn’t tear up even once so far this show except this montage got me like firstly Eun Gyeol wouldn’t be here anyway even if the accident didn’t happen but yknow the accident did

It’s like in the present day, things are still good for the family and happy even if there are strains and conflict because that’s just life so it wouldn’t be too bad to go back but it hurts to know Yi Chan and the possibilities that didn’t happen in order to make the current life happen

okay so indeed Yi Chan can still speak, though he can’t hear

this fucking grandma and Yi Chan scene cryingggg

I don’t like this fucking dad but he is trying and did make Chung Ah smile laugh

girl what the hell you fuck you can’t fucking take Chung Ah away abroad without telling her i’ll fucking kill you you fucker i hated you through the whole thing and now it’s multiplied

Eun Yoo and Eun Gyeol giving some advice to Se Kyeong and grandpa respectively

Awooo Yi Chan Eun Gyeol last convo

what about Chung Ah tho like she doesn’t know about Yi Chan and is gonna be taken away

Okay I did think they were gonna be well off because of the Cheong Ah family thing now but didn’t expect them to live at that house

Ah, this future feels so unfamiliar despite everything, like everything is good and better but idk if I like it because it feels unearned and not like Eun Gyeol’s life

like he’s the only person who is himself while everyone else had much different experience and life as his original timeline yknow

okay so the dad has to kinda know now that his son really met him in the past bc he literally found the song To You Shining or whatever that he knew Eun Gyeol had

oh yeah I don’t care about Ghost9’s members rip

can you imagine if an idol in a kpop band was caught leaving his performance beforehand chants of encore and going outside to kiss a girl aldjjdkajs scandal

Eun Yoo knew the Master person was her grandpa Viva Music man but couldn’t figure out Eun Gyeol was from the future??

Ep 16 Wishlists:

longer ep, just by 20 minutes

A last Eun Gyeol and Chung Ah convo?

A Chung Ah and Yi Chan convo, cmon

A bit more of Eun Yu's life after coming back

Yi Chan having more people around him, whether be his bandmates or Chung Ah. like his grandma was there and that's good but I wanted Eun Gyeol to see that this time, he was saying goodbye to Yi Chan with more people arround him as support than the original timeline

Possibly a (coded?) convo between Eun Gyeol and Yi Chan about the time travel and the cassette or whatever. Maybe I should see if there's anything on AO3 for this because this seems more fanfiction's lane. I think I'm also okay that they don't quite seem to remember him except verrry hazy possibilities but the dad finding the voice tape is what's making me want more. At least Eun Yoo knows and is with Eun Gyeol in this not-quite-right world

Not even all necessary, at least could've fit 2-3 in. It's good that we don't get every single thing wrapped up because shows that have a bit of stuff open-ended for speculation retain audience/fans well and there's also the aspect of letting the 1995 characters live their lives on their own, trust them to succeed and make it to 2023 well, theme that goes well with us not seeing everything. But it still feels a Little empty ig

----

Time Travel Concept:

I guess something that's weird about time travel shows is that Eun Gyeol (and Eun Yoo) are the same people before going but with certain experiences (over the course of a couple weeks) whereas the people they have come back to have had different experiences for 28 years.

I wish they weren't famous as a family in the future. I'm glad they still had friends and I'm happy that they had money from Cheong Ah's side but... idk they're just different people when you're this rich and this influential and this famous. I wish they lived in a different house by themselves, even if a big rich people one, and that Chung Ah still did art and maybe Yi Chan could've participated in the Jinseng Instrument stuff but had his main job be something else, whether it be the restaurant or something else. There could be some influence allowed, like Chung Ah is a chaebol and a respected artist, Yi Chan somehow did smth similar to now but on a smaller scale, and Eun Gyeol as an up-and-coming band member who is recognized somewhat but not as famous to be chased down the street by a hoard of school girls.

Anyway, in the end, I'm glad Yi Chan didn't keep his hearing because in the show, it would've kind of undermined tings. Things happen, accidents happen, Yi Chan losing his hearing isn't the end of the world, he still deserves love and family and oppurtunity and for the world to accommodate his needs. The way he lost it was also good because despite Eun Gyeol's attempts, it happened that day and to save Eun Gyeol. Eun Gyeol's stint didn't change this specific aspect but it still changed a lot of things in a good way, leading to his new life in the future.

I just have to get used to these things in time-travelling shows where some people know about the magic while others don't, situations and people will be changed due to butterfly effect, etc. I guess I'm just unsettled by the fact that they have memories that Eun Gyeol does not and Eun Gyeol has ones they do not; that Eun Gyeol would've learned the guitar from somebody who is not Viva Music grandpa probably, etc. I'm trying to become less unsettled by the fact that they don't really remember Eun Gyeol because of magic and time logic or whatever and that they simply feel familiar to him.

As I was writing all this, I keep listening to You're Precious and My Song from the OST and ahh the You're Precious chorus really gets to me, feels like crying I don't get it the "ohhhh my love" literally brings tears to my eyes it has happened like 3 times now. and My Song is just so good in general.

General:

In 18 Again, the father wanted to pursue basketball after high school but had to give up due to teenage pregnancy and the kids and came back to his teen self where (among many other things) he got to play basketball in high school with his son. In this show, the father wanted to pursue music but lost his hearing and had to give that up but his son came to the past and got the chance to play in a band with his father and got to do the school festival he originally didn't get to do.

I'm fucking obsessed with this sort of concept.

It's got a good storyline, hilarious yet touching. Light-hearted but with many moments of weight. Entertaining to watch because why did I watch eps 13 and 14 and one of the earlier eps (2?) in bed on my iPad. We got to spend time with the different characters and pairs and the friend group together and it was vry fun.

There could be many pitfalls with the time traveling and the disability rep. I won't say there aren't any because some of the time loop stuff is kinda wonky if you look closely but I think that makes sense. I was really afraid that they'd make Yi Chan's hearing come back but I'm glad it didn't; it's just something that has to happen to him for no reason the way these things just happen sometimes.

The characters were well crafted and the acting was great. I liked all of them and each had moments of humour or emotions or romance and it was good.

Also, good faces sorry to say I'm shallow. Chung Ah gorgeous, gorgeous girl. I didn't find Se Kyeong attractive but the actress is sooo beautiful and charming as Eun Yoo (I know some people found her somewhat annoying but I liked her a lot). Ryeoun was really attractive as Eun Gyeol; when I first saw him in 18 Again, he was more posed as a loser kid and I was wowed by Lee Dohyun's face but here, he's so pretty and nice to look at and at certain angles, reminded me of Cha Eunwoo's face too (and a comment in this specific tiktok makes me think that it's not because I only know like 5 actors and so draw parallels between him and CEW lol). Then there were some other good faces too like Yi Chan sooo cute and round my pretty + the Kang Hyeon Yool guy was beautiful as well.

Kinda slow paced, there were certain episodes where I was like nothing really happened and we weren't closer to completing missions or finding out info but I guess that's the point of the slice of life aspect in some cases; just watching the characters exist alone and together.

Ships: I think I liked Chung Ah & Yi Chan more earlier on while I liked Eun Gyeol and Eun Yoo more later on. I was into the ChCh romance from the get-go and thought they were sooo cute whereas EunEun were a more fun menace pair who I just liked to watch fighting before it gradually became a couple I shipped Very Much. Also a shoutout to my Se Kyeong (OG, not Eun Yoo) and Chung Ah ship, I can't believe Se Kyeong's first love was her husband instead of Chung Ah (cold ice princess girl who is curbing every guy as they fall at her feet keeps chasing the girl who isolates herself to protect herself. Se Keyong asking about the Frida Kahlo painting and trying to bond over bands despite not liking it herself).

Well crafted show, good acting, hit some feels and I expect some attachment to it (I'm rewatching and skimming certain parts as I write lol).

Rating: 7.5/10 for now, could change 0.5 higher or lower in like a month as I assess my feelings

Tiktoks & Edits:

Tiktok: the ones in the first paragraph are ones I watched before starting and then there are a few I liked today after finishing (I just went to the tag, so they're some of the more liked ones). Might be my favourite of the edits: gets the vibe of youth, coming of age, sparkling shining twinkling

Twitter: Pre-dating euneun I miss u dearly (Song: How You Get The Girl - Taylor Swift) (uhmm_j)

Twitter: #CHEONGCHAN: cutest parents (Song: Summertime - Niki) (kdramazi)

#EUNEUN : the way I loved you (@uhmm_j)

[2am-jasper]

Tick tock.

I hate the sound of clocks. Loathe it actually. The sound just unsettles me. I think it’s because my family didn’t use clocks that in the house. Or the fact that I have really good hearing. But now laying in bed trying to read I can’t help but notice the tick tock of my sisters bob ross clock. It’s annoying. I want to turn it off. I am lazy though. So I keep the clock on even though that sound, The sound of passing time really, really, makes me want to scream.

I got new tattoos last Sunday and they are going though the healing stage and they are itching, I desperately want to scratch them. But I can’t. Or shouldn’t. So now I’m here in this empty house with only the tick tock of a Bob Ross clock, an arm that is on fire, and a phone screen burning my retinas. Oh how humanity tempts me with anger dry as the desert, but sleep that would be like a balm on my arm and the absence of quiet tick tock evades me so.

And at 1:30 am I write my woes to no one but this empty expanse of space. Maybe someday someone will read this diary of my thoughts and realize that there is no singular experience of a being. We all just recycle, until there is no more. But it’s 1:30am so what do I know.

[oceanstarsvoyager]

20th of Jan 2023. I have completed my type rating on the Airbus A320. That is the new floating on the surface. Let me tell you how I got here.

A week before this i was sick, forcing myself to wake up and trained at 6 in the morning on a consecutive day. Of course my brain got a tantrum and i couldn’t function well. I had five days off and while that was happening I had a lot of stress that causes me to sleep just 4-6 hours per night. I called my family during those time because they have a different time zone and thank goodness they are awake most of the time. The fact that i got stressed is theres no exact date that i could prepare for so i constantly overthink of how the plan would fall out if one doesn’t work. My mind most of the time is me reviewing my procedures and the light and switches and everything thing I have to prepare for my Checkride. As a pilot when you are not flying you will need to remember those procedures because spending extra on the simulator would cause you more money. With good memory and imagination i was able to be up at night and overthink. Here’s the fun part.

They called me up a day and a half before the Checkride and said its going to be at 4 a.m. I wouldn’t have a problem with it if I haven’t heard what the check instructor is like. People who had a check with him including the upgrade said he shouted and it is the worst check in his life.I don’t know if luck is on my side or I’ve been studying and impressed him on the oral but he is not like everyone said at all! Yes he is intimidating at first, it might be too early or the internet is down and he is fed up. The part where the Checkride start is when he is a completely different person. The night before, i studied with my partner who just got back from Virginia so he helped with the oral because you need someone to cross check your answers. From 12-7 pm we were studying. The scheduler, he called to confirm if I am still ok with that 4 am schedule and its a system go situation by that time even if i was about to collapsed. I said yes.

By 7 pm i crashed into bed with 2 alarms setting for 1 am. At first I couldn’t sleep because i still have those procedures running around in my head so I took a pill. Yeah don’t do it if you’re don’t need it i do! at least i get a few hours of sleep since I haven’t for so many days now. Guess what i woke up before the alarm. 12 i am so grateful for my sim partner he is able to wake up and take me to school.

Alright here we go 3:30am we arrived at the classroom no one was there obvi. Then a few mins later, the check is here i got in. Still fazing. The other person who also suppose to check isn’t here he was at the hangar so he have to go get him. Got back he checked for my documents and he said I couldn’t check because i required a ATP written exam so he sent me home. I said i had friends who can do the check without the written because this is a type rating check. He said he’s not sure so.. he can’t do the check. So my sim partner was able to come back and pick me up of course disappointed so we went to McDonald to burn off steam.The check instructor called me back to do the check while he was ordering at the drive thru. I got back we started the check. The other person from Lebanon started the check first so i was sent to the other room. It was about 12 mins and then i starting to hear him begging for a second chance on the check. Crying. Yeah. Look he has 2700 hrs on the actual aircraft. If he failed on the oral. What am I. Barely touch the exterior of the plane while i boarded it.

Turns out he didn’t study he said he is confident he knows everything already and he is the best in his company. Lesson learned that day ego will not pass your check. Period.

Ok then its my turn, the check instructor calls out my name. I went in the other person still don’t want to leave the room. Harsh day for him.

I told myself Rita give it your best shot here we go. It’s like a ping pong. He asked i answered he asked i answered trying not to miss the ball. He seems to be impressed he started to become more calming we got into the walk around part of the check. You haven’t got a clue how many videos and time i spent on watching that video on youtube. Thank you captain joe you saved my life. He asked i answered boom boom boom. I got to the part where he asked about the safety pin i said that should be removed before flight. Correcto. Then he asked so we as pilot removed it ? I said yes. Too quick Rita too quick. Sooo that not quite the answer he want. He gave me the look. Shit. Shit. Second chance Rita. Before you speak what is the answer. GRound crew. He nod thats right someone might put it there for maintenance purposes if something is wrong you don’t just do it it will be your responsibility. So he taught me during the check. Surprised, nervous and thankful. From that onward he adds additional information. It’s around 5-6 we have to switch to the hangar, someone might need the room. He have to drive me there i don’t have car. Lol. Sitting with the check instructor . Anyways we got to the hangar he started with the light and switches . Spend five days on that particular subject you better not messed this up Rita. It was very relaxing at that point. There’s a woman from accounting coming to talk to us during the check. He told her i was doing great so far yo. Let’s just say if i had emotion then i would be jumping already, but i just smiled to the nice lady. We got to the Adirs. I got all the points right. Then i know I understand that shit . I got all the point right but do i even understand it, so of course he had to ask about the point again and then he started to explain to me and I just realized i know this shit but I couldn’t quite remember how to explain it. Although t it was really helpful and i like how he explained it also. He said the aircraft was asleep and then some guy decided to move it during the shutdown and when she wakes up she’s lost. Lol same plane. Same.

I learned so much for the oral check to be honest. Okiedoks the Checkride. The nice lady came in said that my payment hasn’t been recieved so I can’t continue the check i said oh hell naw. But i said ok thats fine. I’ll wait till next week. Mr Dave Santo came and he needed to do an opc check. So he asked me to be his seat support obvi what else am i going to do for the rest of the day. He said get in the aircraft start it up and put my flight plan in. I said say less. So i ran up to the simulator alone and set everything up for him. I got to practice my mcdu set up but at the same time i better not screw this up because it is his check not mine. He came in sit in the left seat and start checking. Approved! 2 jet blue captains in the simulator and a baby pilot. Great. Here we go. Check started. He speaks and tell me every time he do something i like that. Doing my seat support job. Reminding him of the correction he need to make. I don’t know how i did to be honest during that time. He is a captain he would have so many better f/o then me along his years of flying. I did my best though. He passed his check. So.. he went back into the the briefing room. I thought I would go home but he started talking with each other and then he looked at me and said we will get you done. Still no idea what it meant. Like i said its lagging my brain she’s trying her best. So i went into the sim again. Got everything set up and there i go doing my check. Look. It’s more of a lesson to me Mr Dave santo was my seat support who else better i would i asked for? He’s a gift i would say.He’s correcting me. I would bust my minimum and fail if he didn’t. Do i have have a pressure with two captain in the sim and me acting as captain in command. No. I was too focused trying not to f* up its my check but looking back. Holy smoke. I am the captain of that flight . Overall, it was quick learned so much and got so much feedback after that check. After the Rejected take off. Mr Dave Santo asked Mr Charles my check instructor we want the answer does she pass and he said yes, then and there i got jolly but couldn’t really expressed it. Then Mr santo gave me a feedback on my flight during the check. I am super grateful and honored to have a Checkride with JetBlue captains. As a baby pilot that is a core memory.

So hello, my name is Tithsocheata and I am an Airbus 320 rated pilot.

[apologetically-teddy]

my mother came to my door today. with her sister. and somehow i managed to close the door so they couldn’t get to me. i did it. i only spoke directly to her sister and not her, i did not break no contact no matter how much she wants me to. through my delirium from heatstroke, i kept my cool and only responded when i needed to

mums sister: we need to inform you that your grandfather passed away

me: i know

mums sister (as im closing the door): i’m glad somebody told you

then they both started hurling verbal abuse at me but i went far into my house so i couldn’t hear it. this is the second year in a row that she’s shown up at my front door in january. I have been as clear as I can that I don’t want contact. but she doesn’t respect it. she doesn’t care. she can’t see what she did wrong and tells me that i’m an awful person while blaming me for something really HORRIBLE yet blameless.

she also sent a text to my mum-in-law to tell her what a “selfish bitch” i am. and blame me for that horrible thing again (not trying to prompt anyone to ask me what it is, it’s just really triggering for anybody and i don’t like making everyone uncomfortable through tumblr, i don’t think anyone should have to read it).

i wish I didn’t even open the door. I’m trying to recover from a fucked up day yesterday. I thought it was the postie with a package from build a bear I’ve been waiting on. I was so wrong. Why’d I have to open the door 😢

last year after she came here, i had a nervous breakdown. I’m trying to do everything I can to not spiral in that direction again but it’s already 1:30am and I’m exhausted but I can’t even think of sleeping. I don’t want to.