#something horrible compelled me to draw this

[clawsomebeats]

is this anything

[morningmask27]

acrylic on canvas 30x40 cm

it is very evil of Belladonna to not bite women when she probably has the entire lesbian community on their knees now

anyways, Dracula's Ex-Girlfriend was so fucking good and despite my hatred of drawing (let alone painting) humans it compelled me to create something.

I'm just going to leave a wall of commentary on the process under the cut because I need to chatter about all of this real quick

I chose this scene at the end because 1. it was super hard to find one still where Bella and Fay are both properly visible (yet somehow Fay's still facing the other direction) and 2. this scene just hits a bit different to me.

the discussion of smoking, a thing that's bad, but it being life, right as Bella drank that bartender dry made me think of a few things I experienced and while I personally will still keep on going against what Fay said here, I still got to see things in a somewhat different light I guess.

Fay's care is also so present here. Bella is self-destructing massively, but Fay still comforts her, even after she "fell back" on her bad habits (she never quit) and this hug just hit me personally quite a lot. the silent care, the "you're warm". I can't fully describe everything it makes me feel, but this scene was good.

on a more technical level. I had to take some creative liberties with the lighting and such because it was DARK and my painting skills aren't ready to make such minute details with extremely dark colors. It would get ugly and muddied, so I had to adapt. the harsh shading on Bella's face is less striking, but I don't know if I could make it better with my current skills.

This was also one of the first times I've really rendered a human face; Last time I "tried" it was 1. without a ref (unwise) and 2. when I was even worse at drawing humans and I ended up so mad at this painting that I Could Not Go Paint Again for a while because of how mad I was lol, so I'm honestly really impressed with how I managed to do this without making a huge mess.

At least until I got to add the blood. It still looks good now, but I had to fiddle a lot with the reds I used and the skintones to mitigate the damage of a few first strokes that got too grandiose.

I also decided that Fangs. I am a bit of a vampire researcher and seeing the different traits they get in different media is always fun and here the fangs seem a bit retractable, but Bella's a vampire and I am a sucker for fangs, so I had to include them.

my handwriting also didn't fail me too horribly, even if I had a few accidents and had to clean them up before I got this "clean" little text. I really don't have good brushes for very thin and precise strokes (nor the capacity to not tremble the entire time honestly)

This was honestly quite fun too. Four hours of listening to some music, having a weird moment with my mother on the phone and just painting. I did really not want to draw Bella's face at first and drew nearly everything else before I began, but once I did I got into the groove and it went fine, so I'm pleased with this.

[radioapplerevue]

Radioapple Fic Recs (updated 7/8/24)

Finally got around to organizing a rec list. Going to pin this, since I see people ask for recs a lot. I expect I'll be updating this periodically, too, as I've only just started adding things to it.

These are my personal favorites. For context, I'm an almost 40 year old aroace person whose favorite fics tend to be those who take you apart and then put you back together, haha. Putting them under a read more because I expect this to get long.

The Ruination of Lucifer by @syaunei. (Explicit)

Remember what I said about taking apart and being put back together? Nothing has come close to toppling this fic for me when it comes to emotional catharsis. One of the things I love most about it is how directly it deals with Lucifer's severe depression and the consequences of it, as well as the many, many centuries of him having to deal with just being Who He Is, Where He Is. He's terribly wounded and suffering, but he's also indisputably the King of Hell, with all the power and all the knowledge and all the experience that comes with it.

This fic also stands out for being from Alastor's POV, which I love, because as much as this fic is called The Ruination of Lucifer, the subtitle could be "How Alastor Fucked Around and Found Out". Both of them are getting broken down here, and both of them are -- hopefully -- learning how to grow and move forward. It also takes into account Alastor's asexuality and his unconventional approach towards sex, and what it can (or can't) do for him.

Mind the warnings, though, because shit does get heavy in here for a while. And enjoy the gorgeous illustrations by @betti2024.

2. Lucifer and his Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Relationship by @keelywolfe (ratings vary by part)

This series has me in a chokehold. It's considerably softer than many Radioapple fics, but it really draws you in and makes you so invested in these two idiots and how much they care about each other but also how bad they are at understanding how much they care about each other. It's Lucifer's POV, which causes Suffering not only because he's an incredibly unreliable narrator, but because there's Something Going On with Alastor that we know nothing about except that it's Bad. And we (and Lucifer) are dyiiiing to know what it is, haha.

There is a lot of sex in this series, but there's something about it that's very compelling to me, especially from Alastor's side. The way he is written in these encounters is just so... tender. It's obvious that (most of the time) he's not getting anything really in terms of sexual gratification, but he's getting a great deal in terms of gratification of a different sort, and the fact that it's so clear that he derives as much -- or perhaps more -- pleasure from that as Lucifer does from the sex itself is so delicious.

But my favorite aspect of the whole thing is that no matter what conflicts are going on -- whether outside of themselves, or of their own making -- Lucifer has become Alastor's safe harbor. And that kills me.

3. Bedtime Rituals to Try Out Before the Next Angelic War by @miribalis (teen and up)

Did I mention I like soft? Because I do. And there's something so lovely about the slow, careful way their relationship progresses here, especially on Alastor's side. My issue with this fic is that it ended, haha! I was so looking forward to seeing where it went, because I got addicted to the particular tender rapport that the two of them built. But being left wanting more is hardly a knock on the fic itself, and it's absolutely a treat to get to read.

4. All changed, changed utterly by @tollingreminiscentbells (explicit)

This series is very different from the rest. It's a canon AU where Lucifer and Alastor first met when Alastor was still alive, and then proceeds to go into canon events from there, with Lucifer being the one holding Alastor's leash. There's a lot to chew on, and the author has chosen to go a very different route regarding biblical mythology than the show does. Definitely something I recommend if you want a deep dive into a really meaty series, that delves into both the dynamics of Heaven vs. Hell as well as the worth of free will, as embodied by Alastor (for better or worse).

It also includes one of my new favorite recurring things, which is Alastor's 'delusional not-sex'. (It's sex.)

5. devils don't fly (don't expect me not to fall) by @corgiss (mature)

I think it's becoming apparent that I really enjoy fics that begin with the two of them butting heads, and sometimes stumbling into a huge blunder, only for them to slowly grow together into something much softer than either of them likely intended. This is one such fic. It also involves some fun stuff with the rest of the cast, and a masquerade. Gotta love that.

6. Of Saints and Sinners by @morningstarwrites (teen and up)

This fic is probably the most lighthearted of the radioapple fics I read, haha. It's a fun romp and has definitely made me laugh out loud on more than one occasion. So if you're looking for something that preserves that antagonism-to-grudging-friendship-to-oh-no-we've-caught-feelings kind of story, but with more comedy and less angst, this is the fic for you! (I mean, I have no idea if angst is going to happen in the future, but so far.)

7. hit me where it hurts (the bruising will be worth it) by RestlessWanderings (mature)

This one can only be called radioapple if you squint, but I'm including it because a) it's by far my favorite take on the hotel battle scene, b) I love when Lucifer gets fucked up and people get scared for him and c) it's technically part of a radioapple series. I don't know if that series is still going to happen, but I do enjoy this plenty on its own!

8. Lucid Dreams of New Orleans by @radiaurapple (teen and up)

This is fic has a very unusual set up -- it deals a lot with memories (mostly Alastor's) with Lucifer along for the ride. If you're interested in seeing Alastor's background and relationships in life fleshed out, with the addition of Lucifer both within those memories and outside of them (and, perhaps, a bit of the other way around), then you should enjoy this journey! Also, pining. Gotta love pining.

9. Take Your King to Work Day by @decembercamiecherries (gen)

This is just a one-shot that I love. It's funny and clever and so very, very Lucifer and Alastor in a nutshell.

10. Line of Sight by @yersifanel (ratings vary -- teen to explicit)

I really enjoyed this series that was done for radioapple week. I'm always into it when Alastor thinks he's being clever and has everything under control and then it comes back to bite him in the ass when he realizes that what he wants isn't what he thought he wanted, and isn't that fucked up, how dare this happen to him. (Basically, I love him being a melodramatic baby over things that are actually not an issue at all. ) The drama of it all! (Alastor is the drama. That's it.)

11. Hunger Pains by @theaffablescamp (explicit. VERY explicit)

This is porn. Ha no it's not just that at all, but as a heads up, this is a very explicit series. So much smut. So if you're not into that, it's not your thing. Basically, Alastor eats a lust demon which does not turn out well for him, proceeds to make a deal with Lucifer to 'fix' the problem, and then creates many many more problems for himself along the way. This series is great for the incredible mental gymnastics Alastor uses to avoid the answers that are staring him right in the face in favor of much worse ones. Also, for a confident Lucifer who often has the upper hand and tries to nudge Alastor into actually acknowledging what he wants (and usually failing). It's messy and fun and very hot.

12. Between the Shadow and the Soul by @winterveritas (explicit)

This series has a bit of a different Alastor than a lot of them, where he's interested in Lucifer off the bat and intent on pursuing him. Of course, being Alastor, he has no idea what he's doing (even when he thinks he does). I am particularly fond of the second entry in the series, because hurt/comfort is my lifeblood. Also, it includes the most creative disposal of Lucifer's wedding ring that I've seen. This series is definitely on the softer side, which is something I take comfort in when some of the other fics hurt me, lol. I certainly hope to see it continued!

Hold here for more! There are a bunch of fics I’m following but am unsure if they’ll ever be finished — which is fine, writers don’t owe us anything! But it will definitely determine how high up they are on my favorites, haha. And of course people are posting new ones all the time.

[valtsv]

This isn't a gotcha, so please don't take it as such, but would yuou be willing to explain what it is about VAL that makes her such a favourite of yours? I can't stand her myself, she comes across to me as a bully given god-like power that she abuses for her own amusement, and I've seen you acknowledge as much, but we draw completely different conclusions from that. I just want to understand your perspective.

i've been anticipating a question like this for a while now, so i'm more than happy to answer for you!

you're right, VAL is in some ways a "bully given godlike power" as you put it, and there's no avoiding that (nor do i want to). and yeah, i do like her in part because of that, because i have a fondness for horrible fictional characters and in particular "bad victim" archetypes, of which VAL certainly is one. but i think what makes her compelling to me, rather than repulsive, is that she is fundamentally a cautionary tale and a tragedy. in-universe, she's the scapegoat. the example. the "make the right choices or this could be you". she's inescapably, heartbreakingly human in her awfulness, and that makes her terrifying, but it also makes her deeply sad (at least to me).

i also strongly believe in rehabilitative/restorative justice, so for me, wanting better for VAL is about my real-world principles to a degree. i can't and won't argue that VAL doesn't function as an uncomfortable allusion to a lot of atrocious crimes against humanity (by humanity) within the narative, and that anyone who finds her upsetting or even hateful for these reasons is absolutely justified in doing so. however, she's still a fantasy entity at the end of the day. she's not a 1:1 stand-in for real-world abuses any more than, say, a vampire or werewolf, which plenty of people are more than happy to explore the nuances of. and there's also the question of what punitive measures would even achieve in her case, beyond personal satisfaction for the one administering or spectating them (which is not to say that wanting to punch VAL makes you as bad as she is, just that her arc is, among other things, about how cycles of abuse and violence perpetuate). the worst that could possibly happen to her has already happened. she's been tortured. she's been taken advantage of for her mistaken belief that working for and with the system has the opportunity to benefit her, and died for it. there's nothing to be "learned" from her punishment that hasn't already been shown to us. that she hasn't already internalised. if she were ever to develop a stable conscience, that would be punishment enough in my opinion.

despite being a victim of people not entirely unlike VAL, i personally am not her victim, so treating her with sympathy and kindness whilst acknowledging the elephant in the room that is her many (fictional) war crimes is not something that requires any cognitive dissonance on my behalf. i would cautiously argue that the narrative agrees with me somewhat in this regard - the few times VAL is treated to a genuine act of kindness with no ulterior motives, it shatters her composure and outward conviction that what she's doing is necessary for her personal satisfaction, and even prompts her to reconsider on occasion (sparing the woodsman comes to mind). i'm not saying anyone needs to hug her and tell her she's valid, but if all it takes is some genuine good intent to get her to engage in introspection, i'm willing to be the person to offer it.

[hom3landr]

"just lie to me, okay? just this once."

Necessary Lies

CW - Major Character Death, descriptions of gore and sickness, ANGST ANGST ANGST

Homelander’s intentions had been pure when he arranged to dose you with Compound V. He’s reminded by a friend that’s how the road to hell is paved

You aren’t getting better.

Homelander’s stomach turns.

You aren’t getting better.

He’d done everything right. The whole process was done under the supervision of all of Vought’s best doctors and scientists. Even as you screamed and begged, he’d been confident that any complications could be swiftly dealt with. Sure, you’d been an adult when the V had been introduced into your system but you are strong. You have to be. You have to.

He watches you in your room. It doesn’t seem right for you to be surrounded by so much blank white. You are color and light but even you can’t withstand the way the awful room dims your soul. Maybe if you could see the sun you’d get better. But the doctors insist you are too fragile to handle any environment except the sterile one you are contained in.

He bites his lip anxiously as you continue to hack up blood, the bright crimson automatically drawing the eye. His instincts tell him to scan you, to watch as the V twists your DNA and transforms you into something greater.

I told you not to get your hopes up. You tend to have a less than stellar track record when it comes to mud people.

He shakes his head and tries to ignore the little voice in his ear. He’s wrong this time. It’s a hiccup that’s all. You’re strong. You are.

The voice is blocked out but not by his own efforts. A horrible cry leaves your lips as your bones crack and shift under your skin. More red spews on the floor. He winces at the wet splat as a chunk of something hits the floor.

That was juicy. Wanna bet that was a lung?

Homelander tastes iron as he splits his own lip. It feels like it’s your blood he’s tasting. It’s your blood he’s spilt.

That one was a little mean, I admit. But buck up Bucko, this is what you signed up for. Maybe you’ll listen to me next time.

He’s done this before. Why the fuck were you the one with complications?

“There’s a good reason Vought doesn’t do it.”

That’s what he told Madelyn that fateful night.

He’d killed her too

He steps to the side as a squad of sour smelling scientists rush in to stabilize you. But what can they do? What can they do now that the only outcome is for the poison to run its course? He vividly fantasizes about popping each one’s head like a ripe melon as punishment for not fixing this. It doesn’t make him feel better.

Please

He begs the voice in his head.

Just lie to me, okay? Just this once.

The once dependable steady rhythm of your heartbeat is dangerously erratic.

You smell like death.

Please!

He worries the cut on his lip with his tongue. It feels strange to have a wound. The scientists flutter around you nervously. They know you’re a lost cause but Homelander’s icy gaze compels them to at least pretend to be helpful. Their terror burns his nose. He decides to make their demise slow.

No can do Buddy, you know that’s not what I’m here for. I’m the only one who’ll never lie to you.

Your heartbeat grows fainter. Your breaths rattle.

One of the scientists pisses himself.

Please…

You turn your head and despite your eyes meeting his, he knows you can’t see him. You wouldn’t be able to even without the wall in the way. He doesn’t think you can see much of anything anymore.

I told you so. Better go in and say your goodbyes.

I hate you

Aw buddy, I’m the only thing you have left.

Your heart stops and a noise all too terribly familiar leaves your throat. The last noise you’ll ever make. A wail just as wretched leaves his lips.

He didn’t even say goodbye. He let you die in that awful room alone. He wasn’t even holding your hand. You were alone like he was alone all those many years ago. Being poked at like he was.

He vomits bile onto the floor.

You’re gonna need me more than ever now. Better get used to it.

[busket]

gravity falls rant, cw sexual assault and harassment

seeing the gf fandom do a full 180 on billford is so odd to see and kind of infuriating because I had so many nasty rumors and lies spread about me in 2015-2018 because I liked them as bitter exes. a callout google doc was made and I never read it, but I know it framed me as a creep and an abuser. all because I thought a cartoon nerd and a triangle had a fascinating dynamic that was dark and compelling

in 2017 or 2018 someone sent like 70 messages to my curiouscat just repeating RAPIST RAPIST RAPIST RAPIST over and over again. I'd never even had sex at that point, and I had just cut my dad out of my life for actually being a pedophile and a rapist. so that was traumatizing! that really hurt me!

I also know it was because I had a NSFW account where i drew porn (i was an adult, i was clear i only wanted adults following me. and I still do draw nsfw, I'm not ashamed of that now but these folks made me ashamed of it for years) that included some porn of trans men, like Stanley or Stanford as trans men (NEVER together bc I've always been staunchly against incest or pedophilia ships) and these people framed me as a transphobe and a transmasc fetishist

well obviously I'm a trans man now and I didn't know it at the time but those drawings were a way to explore my own relationship with gender. I even look like Stan and Ford now, obviously i latched on to them as trans men because I wanted to BE them. but I believed it when people called me a piece of shit, I assumed all trans people would despise me too and I'd committed a horrible sin and it forced me back in the closet for another 5 years.

the people doing this were teenagers at the time, a few I thought were my friends/mutuals, and they made that part of my life kinda miserable. I was already miserable with other shit going on in my life. I ignored most of the harassment to make myself uninteresting and to avoid the possibility of becoming a lolcow but it involved anonymous messages both on tumblr and curiouscat, I even got a few emails just mocking me. even in 2019 when some people were like "oh yeah she's moved on to moomin, this is what her art looks like now, I can't look at it without thinking about how much she loves rape :/" which was NEVER true!!! I liked Ford and Bill as bitter exes but it was always consensual in my mind.

Anyway I don't ever expect or even want an apology. I'm sure they don't realize what an effect that harassment had on me during literally the darkest years of my life. to them they were just teasing a weird girl on the internet for fun, or very seriously warning their friends against whom they'd been lied to about being an abuser, but I was a closeted trans man trying to finish college, my home life was abysmal and abusive, I hated myself, i hated my body, my only friends were online, and when I'd log on for some escapism I was met with another message like "hey, you should block this person. they're saying some really cruel things about you on their account. I know it's not true but it looks like some people are believing it."

gravity falls was so important to me as a show since oregon is my home and it felt so authentic to my own childhood being interested in cryptids and going camping and visiting shit like the Oregon vortex as a child. but the fandom was the worst I've ever been in. it ruined my enjoyment of media online for years. so idk. I guess I feel somewhat vindicated but it would also be nice to get those years back and not be harassed and bullied online about something so stupid and unimportant

[kaurwreck]

I saw your recent headcanon bsd post and honestly you really get the characters (or you get me <3 because i fully agree with them) especially the Atsushi and Dazai one which is practically canon for me. Do you have more Atsushi and Dazai headcanon you can share? I really love it when people talk about those two

I'm so glad the Atsushi and Dazai headcanon resonated with you! I call them headcanons, but they're canon to me; it's my sandbox and I'm building sandcastles.

I don't think I'm articulate enough to adequately express my thoughts about Atsushi and Dazai's relationship, so rather than try, I'm going to share more bulleted snippets of headcanons that hopefully relay the vibes if not the substance.

Atsushi is emotionally brilliant, but has the intellect of an idiot kitten. Dazai is intellectually brilliant, but has the emotional intelligence of an idiot kitten. Nevertheless, Atsushi is NOT self-aware, in the slightest, while Dazai is excruciatingly self-aware. They would devour each other in the wild but are a bonded pair in captivity.

At least once a week, Dazai loses Atsushi at the store and then doesn't listen to the intercom when he's called.

Dazai thrusts himself into the thick of villains and conflicts because the narrative will not let him die, but he can't move it forward from there. Atsushi can and is compelled to, even, because it's the only way he'll survive.

In 55 Minutes, Atsushi indicates that maybe all skills come from elsewhere and are imposed upon us. In that way, he's drawing a parallel between skills and the cultural, societal, temporal, familial influences that construct our understanding of our existence. He's also saying that perhaps what Dazai and Kyouka have going on with their otherness and inability to control their skills is kind of what happens to all of us, just in different ways. This is why he is the protagonist. He does not see separation. He sees people and he sees the constructs and frameworks that people build around themselves, but which they can also deconstruct and rebuild. Dazai isn't convinced he's a person, but Atsushi guilelessly and unwaveringly looks at him and sees a person anyway. He has that effect on others; he did the same thing to Kyouka, and Lucy, and Akutagawa, and even Ango when Ango aimed a gun at Kyouka and Lucy. Worse yet, they see reflections of their personhood in his eyes. It's intoxicating, and enlivening, and frustrating, and terrifyingly vulnerable. Dazai experiences it as absolution. Atsushi experiences it as obvious.

Dazai tries to give Atsushi shaken baby syndrome when Atsushi annoys him, even though Yosano keeps telling him that Atsushi's too old.

Chuuya and Atsushi unabashedly want to love and be loved, it's second nature to them, albeit in different ways. But Akutagawa and Dazai convinced themselves they were perfectly fine not loving and never being loved; up until they met someone who everyone loves, which is so, horribly vexing to them because they're so different and unique and no one understands them and yet here they are, vying for the attention of someone who seems to know something they don't. So, they cope by loving those they love in ways no one else does. Which is to say: like freaks.

Dazai gets involved with Atsushi and Akutagawa not just because they need mentorship or for Atsushi. He's there in solidarity with Akutagawa. Dazai is there because he needs someone who understands the reality of the idiot situation that they got themselves into because they're idiots. Dazai and Akutagawa were both supposed to die young and in abject misery. And yet here they are. Being yanked around by objectively unreasonable people who seem to think they know better. Worse, Dazai knows that he and Akutagawa want to believe them.

Atsushi and Dazai are cat-coded, when the others run it activates their predator instincts.

dazai is so afraid of feeling; he doesn't think you can survive emotion, he thinks emotions exist to trick you or destroy you and that others' expressions of emotions are disingenuous or naive; emotions burn him terribly and he can't imagine it's any different for everyone else. and if it is, then that just further evidences that he's not human after all, that he wasn't built to survive in a world that hurts him so terribly. it's why he's so certain kunikida is going to get swallowed by his ideals. it's why he raised akutagawa in pain and neglect and why he was so disgusted by akutagawa's lack of emotional control. it's why he can't hold onto chuuya for longer than it takes chuuya to fall asleep after corruption. it's why he slapped atsushi and demanded disassociation from him when atsushi started to panic about what he'd done to naomi and haruno. but fyodor is what it looks like when you succumb to that, and chuuya and atsushi and oda are what it looks like when you don't, and as much as dazai thinks he's capable of loving anyone, he loves atsushi and chuuya and oda, all of whom grappled with their own humanity and then elected to be human anyway. and as much as he thinks the others are deluding themselves, and as much as he still believes he's right about humanity's insincerity and insipidity, and since oda asked him just before dying over his own fruitless emotions anyway (although it began before oda asked), dazai has decided he would rather fiercely protect the outcasts who refuse to see their own futility than exert any energy proving himself correct. and if he can bully a reflection of himself in the process thereof, then all the better.

Dazai lies and claims Atsushi is his son for Father's Day discounts. It's so obviously untrue and outlandish that store clerks are too distressed by his thick face to call him out and so he gets away with it. Atsushi plays along because he wants the discounts too.

[twothpaste]

Y'see, no, y'see, what I mean is like

Claus starts the very first battle with 42 HP (the number 42 is associated with death in Japan). He loses his shoes as he ventures to his doom at the Drago Plateau (another piece of Japanese death symbolism). He re-emerges as a nigh-silent, apparently emotionless revenant - with a broken, disjointed heartbeat. Some Tazmilians speak of him as if he's already obviously dead, and even suggest Flint oughtta give up on his lost son. Which is cold and painful to hear, but does reinforce the game's consistent theme of moving on from grief. This perpetual tension between clinging to the past out of love & hope, and coming to terms with a bygone loss.

When Hinawa's ghost speaks to Claus, she says, "You must be so exhausted." Personally, I get the sense this implies a deathly weariness beyond just how overworked n' stressed out the kid is (especially considering the person saying it is a ghost herself). But more importantly, she tells him, "Come to your mother." Which would be… kind of a deranged and horrible thing for her to ask of him, if he wasn't already supposed to be dead. She calls to him from beyond the grave, and asks him to join her at last. And he does, without question. Recognizing he's been kept alive against his will this whole time, a tormented spirit that was never permitted to move on, trapped in a robotic corpse that's been twisted beyond repair.

His three-years-delayed death, though heartwrenching, brings the story's motifs of grief and acceptance to a natural conclusion. Flint has to finally let go, Lucas has to find peace with it. You can't re-animate the past, or fix anything by selfishly pursuing it. In fact, you may just wind up zombifying its image into something corrupt, something hardly recognizable (Porky does this constantly 🤧). Only by letting it lie can you honor it, and begin moving toward a better future.

'Course, this is just my impression of what Itoi's intentions were with Claus. One of a bazillion possible interpretations, and by no means the most definitive. Even on the off chance I'm totally right about what he was goin' for, he's a chill dude who's stated plenty of times he welcomes fans to find their own meaning in these games. That's kinda the point of narrative art, after all. I personally feel like the story hits harder if Claus' suicide was yet another reckless choice he made, rather than a necessary course of fate. Interpreting it instead as a second tragedy all its own - with its own slew of implications - rather than a conclusion to the first. Lettin' the character be more than just a sacrificial symbol. That's just me, though. 🤸‍♂️

But altogether I just love how many ways this game can be read and re-read. How much it has to offer, if you peel back the layers and inspect it a little differently. And how other fans are always drawing my attention to different angles, makin' me reconsider it in new and compelling ways.

[harleyxhoward]

Analyzing The Abilities of Characters From The Boys Pt. X

💎Cate Dunlap💎

Cate’s one of my favorite onscreen villains, seeing as how she takes the whole Queen of Mean trope and gives an audience something to worry about.

Cate’s ability is a tactile form of mind control, along with a seemingly unstable form of telepathy. While she can read minds, she seems to have difficulty fully controlling the individual thoughts she wants to pay attention to. I’m assuming this is from her relying on power suppressants which made her rusty at mind reading, especially since she seems to be off the pills and completely fine now.

I would imagine that at the point of the V in her system giving her this ability, she would have just been coming into her own as a woman in a world that tells young girls to hyper-obsess about their social impact on the world around them. Imagine if you shot a young Regina George up with Compound V. Wouldn’t having the ability to read the minds of her teenage subjects and force them to think, believe, and do whatever she wants by placing a guiding hand on their shoulder be a perfect mutation for her body to produce?

Having the ability to command people to do her dirty work based solely on touch, Cate relies on the fact that her beauty and unassuming nature would allow her to get close enough to touch any potential opponent. This way of thinking reminds me of Glimmer from “The Hunger Games”, seeing as how in the books, she attempted to sneak in a diamond ring that, upon unscrewing the jewel, revealed a poisoned spike. A weapon like that wielded in a battle royale style death match is unimaginably arrogant and short sighted. While it may seem cunning, her entire battle strategy hinged on her beauty and ability to draw close enough to another tribute while their guard was down to prick them with a mini spike. Cate, regardless of her own agency in the matter, shares a similar viewpoint. It wasn’t until Marie blew up her arm that she was forced to confront the fact that, when her reach is snubbed by a legitimately strong influence, she’s ultimately powerless.

The ultimate tragedy of her character is a lack of true intimacy. After she unwittingly compelled her little brother to disappear in a forest and “get lost”, to which his body was never found, her parents were horrified to do so much as touch their own daughter. When she was with Luke she repeatedly mind controlled him, and she ended up doing the same to Andre. Anyone and everyone she gets close to will inevitably fear that the ungloved intimacy they share with her is inauthentic, which creates a cruel cycle of her feeling the need to compel the people around her to forget all of the horrible things she’s done.

This is the exact play that Dean Shetty makes on her. Understanding and even aiding to curate Cate fears of her powers and whether the only reason people would ever love her is because she’s making them do so, Shetty is one of the few characters to consistently touch Cate. This shifts the dynamic between the two of them, and while it initially seemed to be done out of kindness, you very quickly understand that Shetty’s touch was equally manipulative as Cate’s.

Cate’s seemingly a pathological liar and manipulator, appearing unable to discern her own lies from Vought’s narrative. She’s both a pawn and a player, but I believe this next season will prove her to come out as a hero and unlikely ally to Marie and the true Guardians of Godolkin.

[sugarsnappeases]

Black brothers incest ?

let's get into it gang. i like them most when its a mostly unrequited reg pining after sirius thing. it's sirius yk. obviously reg has a crush on him, and obvs its an incredibly complicated messy crush where he wants to be him and to be protected by him and to kill him and to just have him near always, and obvs at the end of the day he achieves exactly none of those things lol. it also importantly ties in to the whole heir and spare and reg having to step into sirius' role thing.

jen and i have talked a little about this before (obviously) and i think we decided that sirius would maybe do things like teaching reg how to kiss and give head or to wank etc etc but it would mean a lot less to him than it would to reg. like reg thinks its a Thing, that sirius actually wants him and is in love with him bc of some of the things they've done growing up but for sirius it's just like. it doesn't mean that at all. like it's just brotherly lmao. or like. he doesn't quite understand where to draw that line in a brotherly relationship growing up but for him it's never been more than just like. trying to help reg and make him happy and maybe things getting all tangled up during those long summers at grimmauld together. i think they'd both grow up not really knowing what the issue w incest might be, like their parents are fucking cousins, they're no strangers to incest, but w sirius he grows out of it kinda and learns how fucked up it is and gets an array of normal, much healthier relationships.

reg on the other hand never really gets that. and it all gets twisted up in resentment and hatred and yearning and the like. esp if we consider this in conjunction to barty. which jen and i have discussed frequently and which drives me fucking insane. so. take barty, devotional man of all time, he's giving himself up in his entirety to reg, he just wants to give reg everything he wants and he knows that reg misses his brother more than anything. barty doesn't entirely understand familial relationships after his fucked up ones and he defo doesn't understand siblings at all and he's fucking reg and trying to give him what he wants and he's offering 'you can pretend that i'm sirius if you want' !!!!!!! <- makes me insane!!!!!!!!!!

now, we were discussing this before we had the blackcest chats so initially for us reg was like. horrified by this suggestion, completely appalled, and even now perhaps he'd still be appalled, bc really how could barty presume to fill sirius' shoes or try to insert himself into the relationship between the black brothers, even if sirius is entirely absent at that point and they almost certainly never had actual sex like that. there'd also be a whole That was Private thing, and reg wouldn't want anyone really to be a part of it. but maybe there's also a sense of desperate desperate longing and maybe if barty asked enough he would give in and shut his eyes and imagine it, in a kind of horrible self-hating miserable agony thing.

we also spoke about a horrible barty/sirius one night stand where they're both super duper drunk and maybe barty offers the same thing to sirius, bc he thinks that's just how brothers work (oh btw this is in the context of the rosier twins and like pre-bartyrosiers asw) and sirius just brushes it off as a fucked-up joke and doesn't even really think twice about it, like he would never even think about actually fucking reg. for him it was more of just a messy naive clumsy product of his upbringing that he's very ashamed about for years afterwards and actively tries to never think about again.

anyway, moral of the story, i don't like Properly ship them, but i think there's something to be said for them. i think all sibling relationships can be made incestuous if you think about it hard enough (joking! but......) and i think that incest between the black brothers could do compelling things to the arc that they already have w sirius leaving

[feyspeaker]

Hii me again. I'm not sure if I sent the ask I'm talking about on anon, so maybe that's why you didn't see it? It partially got answered with a recent ask you got anyway so no worries. I was just wondering if you use 3d in your process and if so, how? I've seen other illustrators use it to varying degrees and it seems like a really helpful tool to push your work.

Oh that's so weird! No I periodically go through my asks in chunks and I didn't see anything like that. I've had a few people in the past few months send me asks that looked like the second half of something else with no context, so maybe it's Tumblr fuckery. Sorry!!

I recommend learning Blender so you can help sculpt shapes and render lighting onto them in order to get the weirder/more complex shadows right. You can also apply colors onto the things you sculpt in order to see how the colors act in different lighting. It's pretty much an invaluable tool to me as it keeps me from having to problem-solve too much. I did a lot of digging around in my house to build references to photograph but it was just impractical to achieve the things I want to a lot of the time. I still do that, and you would not believe how many goofy photos I have of my husband in the poses you've seen me paint Astarion in lmao...

I do think that it needs to be used in moderation if you are a more beginner artist- I think that using 3D is DANGEROUSLY close to becoming a massive crutch for a newer artist and improper usage or over reliance on it can lead to stiffness or artificial looking colors. You need to be able to train your eye to create compelling compositions by bashing things together, and train your hand to replicate/add/subtract as needed from your references with an organic feel.

I will say this as a total committer of this crime myself in the past, it's VERY easy to tell when an artist relies too much on, for example, Clip Studio Paint posed models as bases for pieces without a good enough grasp on their fundamentals. And I also used to prickle when I saw more advanced artists warn of this, so I do think maybe it just has to run its course sometimes, because I know that using 3D for reference seems like an easy-button.

I've taken a lot of in-person classes for live figure drawing and painting, as well as just totally done drills, basically, on sketching and painting from life before relying too much on static imagery/3D/etc.

I often fret over every piece I do looking too stiff even still.

You have to do a LOT of the boring hard stuff the old fashioned way. And I regularly go back to it over and over when needed.

For example, I recently did a stupid amount of rose petal/flower studies deconstructing and painting ugly little paintings/doodles over and over because I know that I've been horribly weak at painting flowers for years (actively avoiding them). And I've been doing a lot of floral stuff lately due to that.

Whenever I start a new piece in new territory, I know it's going to mean several 3AM nighters where I have two other tabs open on Photoshop where I test out different textures or do a couple of studies. I'm working on a piece of my OC right now that has a lot of gore/medical instruments and I've been working on testing out different methods for shiny metal painting and some anatomical studies. I'll come to a snag in a painting and go "here we go" and work through it one piece at a time.

My Halsin piece, "Secret Spot" in the hot spring, was a massive undertaking with a lot of these moments. The Karlach x Dammon piece took 3 times longer than it should have due to me just having to go back and fix things knowing I could do better after doing some studies.

Ultimately I personally find art tutorials to be quite useless overall once you get to a certain point, unless they are teaching the use of a tool/software because you HAVE to figure out what works for you. And even then I use Blender like a monkey with a keyboard, I suspect, because I've just bruteforced through it, so I could probably use a tuneup from a good teacher on that haha. I hope this helps some, and sorry if I overstepped if I sound preachy.

[dreamii-krybaby]

Since I’ve seen plenty of posts regarding Doll from @velvet-vox I’ve been thinking on doing a post regarding my thoughts on Doll. I remember making a post regarding her mischaracterization, but I genuinely can no longer find that post (The AS probably ate it)

But rn am not in the vibe to make a whole ass essay regarding her so an going to summarize it:

I don’t like her, I do enjoy her complexity tho, and most of her actions makes sense, to me she’s the definition of “She isn’t a horribly written character, but my god it could have been so much better”, and no, am not just referring to her death, imo, I saw her death coming milesss away, the only thing I wished she had done before dying is put more of a fight.

Personality I have so much fun exploring her in my AU’s and crap. But her canon-counterpart? Some of her logic and actions do make sense, it’s just some of her thought process and thought process surrounding her frustrates me,

like Uzi’s speech in EP3, like yeah I get the idea she was going for but at the same time it she sounds….sort of detached from Doll’s situation? Idk her speech didn’t make side with Uzi and the rest…it made me side with Doll for that moment…when am pretty sure it was intended to root for Uzi’s side

If Uzi went for more of a “Hey, you’re feeling are super valid but I will draw the line if it means killing innocent ppl, and also disassembly drones are also fucked up as us and may have a chance at redemption” or idk something like that, calling out Doll’s hypocrisy at least. THEN I would find the whole thing more reasonable

Idk Doll’s writting does seem compelling but she had so much potential (honestly the entire series and I blame it on how short S1 is), and occasionally it seems to be…hit or miss

Tbh would anyone listen to my rewrite regarding her in my MD au called “Murder Drones: RELOADED!”?

PS: @velvet-vox, tell me if you don’t like being tagged, if that’s the case I will untag you.

[i-call-me-clarence]

Pictures of a Metaphor

Here is an image of a mushroom:

It’s interesting, it’s got okay composition, the mushroom’s obviously the focal point, but there’s other things that draw the eye in this scene too. There’s the dark red leaf in the upper lefthand corner that leads you away from the mushroom, to the pinecone, maybe you notice then, that there’s another pinecone to the very left, you might get drawn over to the green leaves in the upper right, before you’re coming back home to mushroom land. 

This is a story before it’s been edited. It’s complete, it has flow, beginning middle and end. A bit muted, a little lacking in that *pizzaz*, but not horrible.  

Some people are fine with this, the image above being exactly what they were going for. Tamed, real, raw. Others would be disappointed. After all that hard work of finding a subject, setting up the shot, and finally taking enough pictures to find a decent one, you’ve got… this, something that’s a bit too dull for some, or maybe just not what you were hoping for.  

Now what if you throw in a little color? Made it warmer, fluffier, gave it some more detail and definition? You might get something like this:

It’s got a completely different vibe! It’s something that might catch your attention, compel you to stare at it for a little while. It’s more fun, kind of vintage. 

But what if you were looking for something a bit more weird? Something with unexpected colors, something vibrant as hell that made you go ‘Wow’ like Owen Wilson? You might end up with something a little like this instead: 

The greens and reds almost clash but there’s a strange, unexpected harmony.  Intriguing blues and purples can be spotted throughout the image, if your eyes can focus long enough away from the vibrant greens and reds. It’s kinda bizarre. It makes you feel… something. 

But maybe weird isn’t what you want. Maybe warm things make you cringe. So you add in a little darkness, change the tone, create conflict and angst. Or maybe you simply want to unsettle someone. It could end up looking like this: 

Dark, cold, finding a mushroom out in the woods, near nightfall, you’re starving and don’t know if it’s poisonous or not. 

But what if that’s not enough? What if you want to take that dull old mushroom photo, and bring it to the far edge of reality and then push it off? What if you want to throw it into the very pit that the word ‘insanity’ drug itself out of? What if you want to find pandora’s jar (it was never a box it was a jar folks) and bust it open, just to see if maybe a few more horrors were left inside? In simple terms, what if you just wanna make people’s skin crawl and their eyes need some bleach?

…Unsettling, to say the least. 

All of these pictures, are the same exact picture, edited in different ways. What I’m trying to get across here, is that when the story’s done, on occasion, it’s really only just begun. My fiance’s first draft is his final project, and it’s a painstaking process, which he loathes every nano-second of. Me? I start strong with maybe something more like this: 

And end stronger with something like this old familiar bad boy:

(It’s the weird one. I’m trying to say I write weird shit)

But sometimes, you finish a story, first draft DONE, and then it’s just… kinda meh. It doesn’t even really seem worth the time to fix it… POLISH THAT SHIT! Edit it until it SHINES! Beauty is waiting, it just needs a little slap here, a comma there, maybe some italics, and then BAM! Masterpeice. (Remember, Leonardo Da Vinci worked on the Mona Lisa for like ten thousand years, making little edits here and there. Don’t spend 10k years on it though, learn when to stop ((something you’d have to hold over Da Vinci’s head :D))

And if you need to get a story down, but are daunted by the task of taking the brutally agonzing steps of making it perfect on the first go round, then… Just don’t. Just take the dull picture with the good idea. Then edit the shit out of it until it looks like the image in your head. 

Don’t let a first draft become your last and end up in the recycle bin. Ideas are fire and passion. Don’t snuff them out just because building them up would take work. 

[omegalomania]

the thing that truly Truly unhinges me about infinity on high is that it is not simply an album about the horrible stomach-wrenching rollercoaster of fame and it is not solely an album about wrestling with your demons but it is a marriage of those two it is very much about fighting the worst parts of yourself in the most public avenues available. it's an album that all but rattles with the amount of references there are to medication. every seeming bout of narcissism is undercut with a sardonic twist and the snap of subtle self-loathing brimming beneath.

and the worst part of it is how that isn't even the worst part of it. the worst part of it for me is the fear. the fear of becoming something other than what you are. the fear of getting better. because this is how the world likes you - broken and stripped down to your ugly parts and embittered and exposed. this is how the world wants you, consumes you, because it's in your brokenness that they pick out such pretty patterns like finding rainbows in shards of glass. it's your wrecked-up brain with all its sporadic misfirings that draws everyone to you like moths to a faulty porchlight. i only keep myself this sick in the head 'cause i know how the words get you off. infinity on high. van gogh, the poster child for the ethos of creating something even at your lowest points. the poster child for the speculative, horrifying ethos of how your flaws and faults and fuck-ups are the only things worth keeping. how often have we seen that rhetoric. if van gogh wasn't depressed, we wouldn't have gotten starry night.

on september 15th 2006 at 9:08pm est pete wentz answered a fan question about what accomplishment of his he is proudest of.

I don’t really think about success or accomplishments too often. I guess just being around. Letting myself move past who I used to be- because that person was continually unhappy. Or at least trying to get to that point and not feel like im “changing for the worse” just because im letting myself feel ok. 10 years ago I didn’t listen to anything anyone said ever for the most part.

on september 18th 2006 at 2:36am est pete wentz wrote on one of his blogs how infinity on high was beginning to feel like a "nocturnal record" as it began to take shape.

somehow the things we say mean more in corners of dancefloors and we focus on love below the waist and outside of the head. "dont you want to get better"- i just dont want you to worry. "dont you want to get better" - tonight i do. the way they say "youre committing slow suicide" when someone lights up or cuts loose. but arent we all. everything we do just shortens our life, every breath is one less. but its what makes everything so treasured. in my head. it aint a funeral babe, i just want the headline to die. recovery is the new drug.

it hurts sometimes thinking about who he was in that moment. someone so fucking scared of getting better and desperate to get better, committing every flaw and insecurity he had to paper and trying to make art out of how desperately he fucking hated himself. as if his pain was the only compelling thing about him.

that's what kills me about this record. truly. it's not just about the perils and pitfalls of fame and renown. it's about how it feels, really feels, to think that your fame is reliant on you fucking hating yourself and how that is killing you.

and yet. infinity on high. a title taken from words written in 1888, from van gogh to his brother, as he talks about how his improving health has had a positive effect on his art.

Be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high. Then life seems almost enchanted after all.

van gogh did not give us starry night because he was depressed and suicidal and falling apart. van gogh did not make incredible works of art because of how much he was suffering. van gogh created in spite of that, because he had a brother who loved him and reasons to keep going.

pete wentz did not write some of his best lyrics on infinity on high because he was depressed and suicidal and falling apart. he wrote them in spite of that, because he had people in his life who loved him and over 15 years later he is still alive, he has 3 kids, he has his band who have been together for over 20 years and still love making music together, and at least externally, he no longer feels the need to self-immolate so the onlookers can make pretty patterns from the ashes left over.

[instant-bull]

Do you have any favorite little headcanons for any of the founders that you kind of default use no matter the fic or setting

Great question! I have plenty of headcanons for these guys, but some of them are indeed too specific to be universal for every kind of setting, so taking out those that actually could be more universal is difficult. This is gonna be a pretty long one, so I'll be nice and put a divider up.

Tobirama:

Tobirama is on the autism spectrum, and since it's fantasy Edo period, it can be something incredibly hard for him to navigate. I believe representing his ASD can be a slippery slope, given how easy it would be to simplify him into "autistic boy genius with no social skills" stereotype, which I find very trite. He sure is a genius, given his excessive achievements in jutsus, and maybe his social skills aren't amazing, but he's definitely trying his best and I don't think he comes off as heartless. I would have to write a seperate post all about his autism, because this post could reach 10k words if I continue right now.

Tobirama's mother came from the Hatake clan. Pretty straightforward, it would explain why he looks so different and also creates drama around him for being different. Albino!Tobirama is not a bad concept either, but it doesn't bring me as much joy. @fashionredalert gave me a fantastic prompt of the Senju clan being far less obsessed with blood than the Uchiha, which also makes a very compelling story beat (hi Amy :) )

Tobirama's seals are tattooed, or carved into his face (depending on my mood teehee). The ones on his face help him see, since generally he'd be considered legally blind. Adds additional drama if he were to be captured or imprisoned.

Hashirama:

Hashirama is a very loving older brother. He's suffered so much loss in his life and now, left with only one baby brother, he makes sure to love and cherish him as much as possible. Sure, he was ready to give up Tobirama's right to the Hokage title for Madara, but I believe he had only the best of intentions and that decision didn't come from his distrust in Tobirama himself.

Mokuton kinda... does shit to Hashirama's brain. Not necessarily dark!Hashirama concept on its own, but definitely something that impacts his perception and his way of living. Trees talk to him and he talks to the trees. Does he listen to their instructions? What do the trees want?

Hashirama is taller than his canon height, because I said so. Oh... tall like a tree...

Madara:

I never really look to Kishimoto's art for body references, since he tends to draw all bodies in a very similar way. That being said I see Madara as a real rectangle of a man, 0 waist, big arms, big chest, big legs, sprinkle in a nice layer of fat on top and you have my man. I'd bite into him any day.

I'll eat rocks before I render Madara a pathetic meow meow. He's a complex man with layers of pride and shame (mmm... lasagna...), and making him pathetic or really dense in order to elevate Tobirama or Hashirama (I've seen it happen in both cases) just makes me sad. I let him be his smart, brash self.

Madara has horrible, horrible oral fixation and is generally a huge weirdo in bed<3

Izuna:

Izuna is kind of a blank slate and I love him to bits. I've enjoyed a lot of different characterisations people give him, but I think my most favourite of all are the ones where he's quite chill. His brother is always on some shit with Hashirama, and Tobirama has a stick so deep up his ass it must scratch his brain: of course Izuna wouldn't be able to take all of that seriously all the time. He cares deeply for his clan and maybe dies for its sake (depends on a fic you know), but he's not a stoic, nor a haughty warrior.

That being said, I quite enjoy making Izuna an obnoxious brat when interacting with Tobirama. I think pushing his buttons and seeing him react so viciously makes Izuna's day better. Torment that stupid bitch, yay!!

You can always make an argument that his happy-go-lucky attitude is a facade that protects him from pain. Let's not forget how much suffering this boy has experienced from a very young age. You can always put a sense of profound sadness into him and make me, as a reader or a writer, suffer from heartache.

Mito:

I love Mito and Mito erasure is frowned upon in this household. She's a strong person, a master of seals, and probably one of the only forces in this universe that could pull Hashirama down from whatever bullshit he'd go on. They love each other tremendously and have an incredibly strong bond. Their sex life must be insane...

Mito has a fierce Uzumaki attitude, and has a strong presence around the Senju clan, who generally treat her with respect (after all, she's the clan head's wife). Do not cross her, I cannot stress this enough.

She enjoys spending time with her brother-in-law, since they are both crazy about seals and could talk, speculate and experiment with them for hours on end. At first, when Hashirama was yet to be married, Tobirama had a huge anxiety about talking to her, because she felt like this idol of seal-craft and Tobirama felt silly</3

Phew? I think that's the main ones, which I think are pretty universal to any fic I write. Thank you for the ask, sorry for the longest possible answer!

[dolphyn]

I’ve been following the development of yandere simulator from the sidelines for years and years, since nearly the beginning of the project. I don’t know that I ever considered myself an actual “fan” considering I never actually played the game or joined the fandom— I really just watched the development videos, read the posts on the development blog and checked up on it from time to time out of curiosity because I found the concept of the game itself morbidly intriguing as well as being interested by such an open development process. And every few months I would remember it existed and check back to see how far along it was, growing ever more amazed with every passing year that it still wasn’t even close to being finished.

I would also check out the game’s official website and was fascinated by the debunk page the dev put up. It seemed so odd and out of place and full of the most ridiculous things. What were people looking into the game for the first time supposed to think upon seeing an extensive page full of weird drama like that, running into it on the official game website?

I still found the game concept interesting, even if I knew I myself would never play it. I knew I would probably watch letsplays of it to sate my curiosity if it ever came out. And so I was ambivalent about the dev himself because I could pretty easily separate him from my casual interest in the game. I thought of him as a guy with some interesting ideas who was really really really bad at planning and prioritizing and delegation and receiving criticism and dealing with hate… and though I didn’t admire him, I felt sympathy for him. Nobody’s perfect, right? And I still do think people that did things like send him pictures of gore and animal abuse or told him to kill himself were doing unforgivable things for petty enjoyment.

And so while I took a lot of his debunking with a grain of salt and eye rolling when it was obvious he was in the wrong despite frustrating circumstances pushing him to say stupid things, I also figured it wasn’t that big a deal and everyone was getting up in arms over things that ultimately didn’t matter. And when I would see YandereDev hate crop up, discussing the long development time, his inefficient code, his continued Patreon earnings… I rolled my eyes at that too, figuring that people were piling on some ultimately harmless dude who was taking forever to release a game he was letting people play for free so it didn’t really matter. Again, as I was really only a casual observer from the sidelines, I didn’t look deeply into anything and I simply made assumptions.

I don’t even know what compelled me to visit the development blog this week, but I was immediately met with his “I’m Sorry” blog post, which obviously caught my attention— as I’m sure it caught the attention of thousands of people just like me who only had a casual interest in the game and developer and held a neutral stance on the guy himself.

I read it. I’d read tons of his debunking and drama-addressing posts over the years where he went over all the intricacies of whatever latest thing he’d been accused of and pointed the blame elsewhere. But this was different. He was sorry, he was taking accountability, he was admitting that he screwed up and did something so horribly wrong that it was costing him all his volunteers and supporters. This was huge. This is undoubtedly the final nail in the coffin for the game at last.

But of course, as I read it, I thought “wow, that’s terrible. But at least he finally had the guts to own up to it and really apologize, which is more than most people in his position do— and more than he’s ever done in the past when addressing controversies. Sucks for him that a mistake like that ruined all these long years of work… but at least he seems to realize it was his own doing, and hopefully now he can get some help and change for the better, blah blah blah”.

Basically, exactly the reaction he was hoping to draw from neutral parties like me. He presented everything so perfectly. Admitting right off the bat that he messed up. Explaining the situation and interjecting to remind the audience that what he did was not okay despite the justifications he found himself making. Making a large donation with the caveat that he knew it didn’t erase what he did and that actions speak louder than words. And then linking to the victim’s statement she made stating that she approached him, that she does not feel traumatized, and that the video accusing him was posted against her wishes and she thinks that everything got blown out of proportion.

With no further context than that, it’s a pretty cut and dry case, right? He made a huge mistake, owned up to it, made a sizable donation, and the victim wasn’t a victim at all and the one making the callout in the first place was disrespecting and hurting the victim by posting whatever video it was he was referring to. But there’s no need to watch the video because he already explained himself thoroughly in the blog post. And anyway, searching for the video and watching it will only fuel the flames and make things worse for the victim!

And so anyone reading that post, who had not heard of any of the allegations beforehand, would obviously come away from it thinking YandereDev made the mistake of becoming platonic friends with a 16 year old girl and invited her to group voice chats where he and his adult friends made inappropriate jokes with each other, never really considering the implications of the 16 year old in their midst hearing their jokes. And that the girl’s friends pressured her into releasing a manipulative video on a drama channel that took his jokes out of context in order to gain clout and take down a guy they hated for the views. And that these fake friends manipulated her and disrespected her wishes and ruined her life and are the real villains of this whole story. Because YandereDev took accountability and apologized and admitted it was all true.

He did this expecting that everyone who saw the blog post first would not seek out the video. Because you would be horrible if you did, right? The victim didn’t want it out there! And anyway, Dev already admitted to making these jokes and agreed that it wasn’t okay! So there’s no point in watching the video unless, of course, you’re morbidly curious about what exactly he said that was being construed as so bad that all his volunteers and voice actors are finally cutting ties with him for good.

Well, I was morbidly curious.

And despite feeling guilty for seeking out the video that the victim apparently didn’t want out there, I found myself searching for it anyway. And I found it immediately. And upon clicking it, several things became immediately obvious.

YandereDev said it was made by a drama YouTuber, but one look at her channel told me she was a gaming YouTuber and scrolling through her videos, it was obvious that she had never posted anything like this before. So already, I had been misled on one point. Then upon reading the pinned comment, it became obvious that the video had, at one point, been taken down by the victim’s request… and then reuploaded also at her request. The victim had changed her mind and now supported the video, which YandereDev did not see fit to update his blog readers on, happy to let them continue believing that the victim did not support the callout and didn’t want anyone seeing the video. So now, relieved of my guilt and suspicious of these two counts of manipulation on YandereDev’s part that became immediately obvious upon a few seconds of research, I watched the video.

And it’s amazing how having the full context of a situation can make you do a complete 180.

Upon watching the video, hearing the voice chats for myself, and— most damning— reading the Snapchat logs… it was incredibly obvious that YandereDev had completely downplayed and misrepresented the situation to put himself in a less heinous light. Because it’s one thing to make the mistake of letting a teenager overhear you and your friends make some dirty jokes together because you consider them a platonic friend who’s “one of the guys”— which is how he described the situation on his blog. It’s another thing entirely to have a private voice chat with a 16 year old girl (who is implicitly high on presumably marijuana and unable to legally consent to anything— regardless of age) and repeatedly call her cute (unprompted), tell her that she’s hot because she’s skinny (unprompted), ask if she wants to take your virginity, repeatedly ask in a teasing tone if you’re a “bad guy” for talking to her that way, and then (unprompted) go on a long ramble about how puberty sexualizes minors and implicitly say that it’s okay for people to find children sexy as soon as they begin developing breasts and wide hips because that’s how nature works. Which he did not mention on his blog post.

What he also did not mention were the Snapchat logs where he was again having a completely private conversation with a 16 year old girl completely devoid of these “guys” that she was apparently “one of”. He did not mention that he privately told a 16 year old girl that being attracted to a 17 year old was 96% okay and acceptable. He did not mention that he privately told a 16 year old girl that it would be erotic if she sent him videos of herself dressing/undressing. He did not mention that he privately told a 16 year old girl that if she sent nudes to him that he would keep them a secret. He did not mention that he privately told a 16 year old girl who was offering to send him nude photos that he couldn’t explicitly ask for her to send him nudes, but that he liked hot ladies, wink wink. He did not mention that he privately told a 16 year old girl that he was not emotionally available for a romantic relationship and that the only thing he could get out of their continued correspondence were photos of her for him to masturbate to.

But, you know. Those are the exact same sorts of jokes he probably makes with all his 30-something guy friends all the time, right? I can just picture him telling his goofy man friends that it would be erotic if they sent him videos of themselves undressing for him to masturbate to. Goofy jokes! He pals around with his friends like that all the time, and it’s really no different that he said the same things to a 16 year old girl! He wasn’t even thinking about the implications of such goofy silly jokes! Which is why he repeatedly brought up her age and promised to keep things a secret and responded to her concerns about child porn and mentioned that if she kept screenshots of the conversation she could use them to condemn him someday! Silly jokes he did not realize the implications of!

So by this time I’m obviously horrified, right? As any normal human being would be. Sick to my stomach that I almost rolled my eyes and went on with my day thinking YandereDev was a flawed person who ultimately wanted to make up for a dumb mistake he made that could have happened to anybody— exactly what he hoped I would do. And then I got to the part where he started begging the victim not to let the video get released.

And that was the most damning of all. It’s sickly funny how he linked to the victim’s Reddit statement where she showed screenshots of Ally begging her to go through with the video, calling her words disgusting and manipulative. Even if Ally WAS being manipulative… you only need to compare it to what YandereDev said to the victim to see how night and day it is. I’m not gonna pretend anybody in this situation is 100% perfectly blameless and made perfect decisions… but there is somebody who is very clearly MORE in the wrong. To the point where he was coaching her on what to say to her friends, weaponizing her status as the victim. Did he seriously not understand the irony of telling her to say “It is my right as the victim and what I say goes, no questions asked”? I don’t even need to go into any of it because all you have to do is watch it and everything becomes disgustingly crystal clear.

Which is why YandereDev didn’t want anybody to watch it. Because anybody that did would come to the correct conclusion that he’s a disgusting predator. But he couldn’t stop the video from coming out and he knew it was impossible to deny the truth of the recordings… and he did damage control in the most effective way he could. When his last-ditch desperate effort to manipulate the victim into stopping the video from coming out failed, he had to issue an apology. And it had to be a good one. One that was good enough that nobody would look further into the situation. One that was good enough that people wouldn’t bother to search for the video and hear the recordings and see his words for themselves. One that made himself out to be a guy who made a stupid mistake— a mistake easy to sympathize with and understand— that he was horrified by and taking full accountability for. And once people see that, they take him at his word. After all, he clearly has nothing to hide considering he admitted to it, right?

Thank god for morbid curiosity.

Anyway… all of this to say that because of my experience, I felt like all his fans and supporters who were fooled by him deserved to know the full truth and come to their own conclusions like I did. After all, you look through the comments on his blog post and they’re full of people who were just like me: disappointed, but ultimately respecting that he owned up to his mistake and believing he can get better, so they’re still supporting him. People who want to believe the best in others. People who believe people can change. People who dislike cancel culture. People who ultimately have good intentions. People who I think would change their tunes real quick if they actually saw the video.

And so, after years of following the blog from the sidelines, I finally made my first post, making sure to word it as neutrally as possible and in a way that would get even blind supporters to consider the idea:

“I believe that most of the people in this comment section— and browsing the comments without leaving any themselves— are good people. That they are sympathetic and empathetic and ultimately want to do the right thing and make the right calls. I believe that of most people in general. I think it’s a noble thing to forgive when you’ve been wronged. Of course, none of us have been personally wronged in this situation, so it is not actually up to us to do any forgiving, only to pass judgment for ourselves and make decisions as to how we personally feel and wish to proceed.

So to anyone reading this comment: I believe that, most likely, you consider yourself a reasonable, rational, independent individual who is able to look at all the facts of a situation and come to your own conclusions independently. And so you’ve read this apology and you’ve also likely looked at the screenshots he linked of the victim’s statement and drawn your conclusions from there.

But if you really want to consider yourself truly informed— If you really want to be sure you have all the facts so nobody can try and upset you by claiming you don’t know what’s going on— I strongly encourage you to watch the video he is referring to and listen to the voice recordings and read the Snapchat logs for yourself. Even if it is only to confirm for yourself that the video is indeed edited in a manipulative way and so you can find more out about this mysterious YouTuber who uploaded it and draw your own conclusions as to why she did it. I encourage you to watch it in its entirety, as I am sure you read YandereDev’s apology in its entirety. It is likely that many who have seen the video have not bothered to read YandereDev’s response or read the victim’s Reddit comments. If only to get a leg up on such people, I encourage everyone here to see for themselves what the other side of this situation is saying. Only then will you be able to decide fully for yourself to put your support behind YandereDev and his game. If you come to this conclusion independently upon seeing all sides of the situation, it will only serve to make your support all the stronger. Of course, there is a chance that upon seeing all the evidence, you may also independently decide that you do not accept the apology and wish to withdraw your support. You will never know unless you watch the video and know the situation in its entirety instead of only seeing part of the conversation. I believe none of you willingly want to be part of an echo chamber.

He did not link to the video, but the one he is referring to is by a YouTuber named AllyMcC. She does not appear to be a drama YouTuber, but appears to be a gaming YouTuber. As far as I can tell, this is the only video of this nature she has ever posted on this particular channel, having only posted LetsPlays before this. The video was taken down at the request of the victim, but then put back up also by request of the victim if the screenshots she provided in the pinned comment can be believed. So if you are worried you are harming the victim by watching the video, it seems that she no longer disapproves of the video and now supports it. The video is called “The New Allegations and Evidence Against YandereDev”. It is easy to find through YouTube’s search function.

YandereDev admits here in this post that everything he said aloud and typed as shown in this video is real. In his edit discussing fake screenshots, he seems to be referring to ones cropping up in other videos discussing the situation such as a Discord screenshot of his discussions with a 12 year old involving her period, which has been proven to be fake. Another one you might see in other videos is one where he suggests giving people free merch if they provide him with nude photographs, which has also been proven to be fake. Neither of these false screenshots are used in AllyMcC’s video. Everything in her video was admitted here in this very blog post to be real things that he said, including the Snapchat logs. If the Snapchat logs were fake, I believe wholeheartedly that YandereDev would have mentioned it here, as he is historically very thorough about debunking anything he didn’t actually say. If you believe his apology, then you must also believe his admission that he really said everything showcased in the video.

All of that said, I again encourage anyone reading this comment that has not watched the video to look into it and come to your own conclusion for your own peace of mind one way or another. The only way truth can prevail is by looking at every single piece of evidence provided so that falsehoods can be sorted out. Please watch the video and read the entirety of YandereDev’s blog post. Only then will you have the full story. There is obviously a lot of nuance to the situation and many shades of grey, but I believe that people deserve to see everything and sort out for themselves how they feel. Neither YandereDev nor AllyMcC can tell you how you feel or what action to take, or whether to forgive or not to forgive, support or not support. Only you can, by making a fully informed decision.

I hope this comment is not deleted, as it is only meant to encourage the readers of this blog to see the situation in its entirety and independently decide how they feel from there.”

My comment never made it past moderation. I suppose it makes sense. The whole point of the blog post was worded very specifically to manipulate readers into NOT searching for the video and coming to their own conclusions… so a comment actively encouraging this could not ever be allowed lest YandereDev lose the few supporters he has left. If you look through the comments that DID survive moderation, you will see they are uniformly supportive. Many of them express that they are disappointed, that what he did was wrong… but ultimately they’re glad he apologized and hope the game can continue and that they understand everyone makes mistakes and can move on from them. Of the current 377 comments on the blog that haven’t been censored, not a single one of them provides any indication that the commenter watched the video, and that they took YandereDev’s blog post and his link to the victim’s Reddit thread at complete face value. However, there are comments expressing that somebody should make an exposé on ALLY to show how manipulative SHE is… which is hilarious, as that would involve watching her video. So I hope people see that comment and think “I should do that, I better gather evidence” and end up watching the video and seeing the context they missed.

Anyway, this has been long and rambling, but this whole thing has been swirling around in my head for the past 3 days and I really just needed to get it all out. Moral of the story is… It’s important to do your research, people. No matter how much you think you know, no matter how little you think you can learn from someone you’re positive you won’t agree with, it always pays to get all sides of a story before committing to a position.