#sometimes a year in review is kind of sad and that's okay

[thirddeadlysin]

My year in review is never going to look super thrilling or impressive but here's some things I'm proud of accomplishing in 2023:

asking for a new title at work that actually reflects my work and experience (literally nothing came of it except my growing sense of resentment but I did it)

telling my doctors and trainer that I don't give a shit about how fat I am and I don't want to be advised on weight loss methods anymore, only on behaviors and therapies that will make me stronger/healthier (boy did that not work 90% of the time lol)

switching to a new obgyn because my old one made me feel very stupid and unheard when I had questions (the only unqualified success)

barely writing any fiction or poetry, barely reading any books, and barely watching any TV or movies all year without beating myself up about it (this means I prioritized things like sleep and being outdoors and learning new skills and volunteering and reading very cozy comforting fic of all kinds, bc in previous years I had started making all of the barely-done things into weird stamina/endurance/popularity contests and/or put undue pressure on myself to meet totally arbitrary goals)

recognizing that i put myself back into debt by spending too much money on everything in an attempt to outrun grief it feels like I should be past already (idky I think there's a timeline???? but now i can work on not doing that)

deleting all my dating app and several social media accounts because I realized I was using them for ✨️validation✨️ that would either never arrive or would feel hollow because there's work I need to do first to feel worthy of accepting it

So a lot of my year kind of sucked when you look at it this way! It's hard enough to do a thing that needs done and when it doesn't get the result you want it can feel even worse! But all of these are things I couldn't have done in any prior year and that's growth, even if the end results look largely the same.

[prophetwithaz]

Cassette Kisses

Eddie Munson x Reader

Summary: you and Eddie have been friends since you started high school, and listening to Metallica forces him to tell you how he really feels. i.e. for all the bitches like me who know they would have been really good friends with this guy in high school given the shot.

Content Warnings: swearing. that’s it. this is just so much fluff.

enjoy, babes! -xo Bee

If you had told anyone else you were having a private Dungeons and Dragons session with the leader of the Hellfire Club, they would have likely had a number of assumptions about what was really happening there. However, to the surprise of others, it was just that. You would often stay after your campaigns to review and keep notes with Eddie because God knows nobody else in that club bothered to. You were also the newest member of Hellfire and still learning the game. You were a long-time friend of Eddie, and in an effort to get closer with him, you opted to try to learn the game he and his friends were so obsessed with. The game was ridiculously fun as you began to learn the ropes, but your chaotic playing style often interfered with Eddie’s more traditional DM-ing style.

“I just don’t understand why I can’t roll to seduce! Can you give me a single genuine reason why?” you said.

“Because it’s not proper procedure! You have to learn to fight. There are some enemies where that would never fly-”

You cut Eddie off, “Fuck procedure! I will get nasty for Vecna if it means everyone else gets a fair fight!”

Eddie’s eyes went wide, “how do you know about the cult of Vecna? That was a secret! I kept everything so well covered up for the end of the campaign,” he said.

“I was comparing notes! I needed to make sure everything lined up for the end of the campaign next week. I shouldn’t have told you I saw it.”

“It’s okay, man. You didn’t mean to. Just don’t tell anyone else before the end of the campaign,” he paused to laugh. “And no, you cannot seduce Vecna. He’s not into half-elves.”

You scrunch your face up trying not to laugh as you help Eddie finish cleaning up. You’ve known him since you started high school, and as much as it sucked that he hadn’t graduated yet, you were secretly kind of glad he was there for your time in high school as well. He definitely wasn’t perfect, but he was your best friend. Plus, a great dealer and an empty house to listen to Metallica in was always a plus, too. Sometimes, he would teach you how to play the easier parts of songs on his guitars. You definitely wouldn’t be playing solos any time soon, but he was always super patient with you while you were learning. Eddie was a wonderful teacher, which is part of why you were so eager to pick up DnD if he was the one leading the group. 

The two of you are chatting as you finish packing up the supplies into the trunk of your car. Generally speaking, your conversations end up pretty surface-level. When you know someone that well, that’s where it tends to end up. Tonight was noticeably different though, as Eddie was asking you a lot about your personal life. It started innocent enough with how classes were going, whether or not both of you would graduate, and if he needed any essays written in the coming weeks. It slowly became more and more about who you were hanging around with. You both climb into your car on your way back to Eddie’s trailer.

“I swear you’re, like, obsessed with that Robin chick,” Eddie laughed. It was a little bit true. She was a good friend of yours, but definitely not in the way he insinuated.

“She’s just my friend! Seriously, you’d like her though,” you said. Eddie feigned sadness as he replied.

“I’m being replaced! How will I ever recover?” he sniffled. You just laughed. No one could ever really replace Eddie. He was electric by every definition of the word. Chaotic, but kind. He was always beyond kind to you. Like in freshman year, when Jason tried to ask you out as a joke, and he fake dated you for a whole month despite barely knowing you. It was fun to look back on that every now and then, but it always hurt a little that your first and only boyfriend was never real. Especially when it was Eddie. Sure, he wasn’t popular or book smart or the kind of guy you’d show your grandparents, but he was him. He was passionate about his interests, a loyal friend, and had a huge heart. 

“Do you remember that time we fake-dated back in freshman year?” you asked.

“Oh my God, y/n,” he chuckled. “I almost completely forgot about that.”

“Jason was such a prick. I remember staying the night with you just so he would leave it alone.” To be honest, you still found it hilarious that his uncle didn’t kick you out in the morning, but he was probably just happy Eddie finally had friends.

“Do you want to stay tonight? For old time’s sake? We can work on the whole Vecna logistics thing and how to finish out the campaign,” Eddie said.

“That depends, can I roll to seduce?” Eddie’s face went hot in your passenger seat and you noticed him clear his throat. “Vecna! I mean Vecna! God, Ed what the fuck are you-”

“I wasn’t sure! I can never be sure with you. Can you blame me?” The two of you laughed it off as you pulled into Eddie’s driveway. His uncle wasn’t home, so it was just the two of you lugging all of the DnD gear into the trailer. The two of you got everything put away and finally sat down in Eddie’s room. You sat on the floor out of habit and started flicking through your friend’s cassettes. “You do realize you can sit on the bed right? We aren’t fifteen anymore,” Eddie laughed. None of what he said really processed as you noticed one of his tapes. 

“How did you not tell me you got ahold of the new Metallica album? I’ve been looking everywhere since it came out!” you said.

“Oh yeah! I was gonna show you. I picked it up about a week ago. I totally spaced it.

You wanted to be mad about not finding it first, but you were just so excited to listen that you didn’t really care. You popped it into Eddie’s cassette player, and the first track began playing with a gentler than usual sound considering it was Metallica. As the guitar picked up, Eddie told you the song was called Battery and that it was his second favorite off the album. As the song died down, Eddie helped you up off the floor and moved over and patted a newfound spot on his bed. He pauses the cassette and hands you a pair of headphones. “You need to listen to this one with headphones. You need the full immersion, trust me.” He slips the headphones over your ears and you close your eyes. A heavy jolt of guitar makes your heart skip as the intro starts. This was the title track Master of Puppets and it was definitely worth the hype. You danced in your seat as the guitar rolled on into the bridge, smiling the whole time. You figured Eddie was probably already learning the guitar solos. As the song closes out, you remove your headphones and open your eyes to see your best friend smiling at you fondly. 

“That was so good. I am genuinely speechless,” you said. Master of Puppets was definitely in your top ten favorite songs now. 

“You looked so happy. You always seem so in your element whenever you’re around music,” Eddie said.

“It’s a lot of things really. I appreciate having someone to geek out with about this stuff. Everyone in Hawkins thinks we’re fuckin’ devil worshippers or something when it's really just good music. I don’t have to pretend to not like it or think it’s too heavy for me or something.” It was all true. He made you feel safe to be who you were and like what you liked instead of dulling yourself down like you did in the past. You wouldn’t be who you were without him.

Eddie took a deep breath, “So, I think I just need to say it and stop holding it back because now is really as good a time as any,” he said. Your heart stopped a moment as he continued. “I’m kind of getting mixed signals from you. Like, one minute, we’re just friends and there’s nothing more to it, and other times I can’t tell if there’s something I’m missing. I didn’t want to be too forward back in the car, but seeing you smile and dance and just be you… what I'm trying to say is that I’m really into you. I can’t imagine getting through high school without you, and I don’t want that to end, but I really like you as more than that,” he stopped short as if he was holding his breath.

Here goes nothing, you thought. You leaned as he gasped for air. As you pulled away, the look on his face was priceless. Eddie was a deer in the headlights, and you were the sun on Earth. His entire face was bright red and his hair was a mess as he ran his hand through it. “Well that was definitely an answer, I think,” he said. You figured he was more in shock than anything. You two were never really forward with this stuff.

“Just had to make sure it felt right, I guess,” you said.

“Did it?”

“I think so,” you chuckled. “But maybe I should do it again just to be sure.”

You grabbed his shirt collar and pulled him in as his breath hitched. Initially, he let you lead as you ran your hands all over his body. In your mind, you were making up for lost time. All of the time both of you were too stupid to know you liked each other. Eventually, as Eddie got his footing and realized what was happening, he started to take over, using his height as leverage. He ran his hand up to the nape of your neck and into your hair, tugging on it ever so slightly. Eddie leaned you back into his bed, hands still in your hair. When you both finally pulled away, he was on top of you, looking down with the most dumbfounded grin you had ever seen. “Feel about right?” Eddie asked.

“Definitely,” you said. You were in shock at the whole situation.

“Well, what’s next?”

“More Metallica, and more of whatever this is,” you said.

“No, dummy. With this whole situation. Where’s this gonna end up?” Eddie said.

“Well, to be honest, I do like you a whole lot, and I definitely enjoyed all that,” you gestured to his body, his shirt now clinging to his chest. “So here’s my proposal: wanna break the news to the boys after the campaign is over?”

“Absolutely,” Eddie said. “Wanna ‘roll to seduce’ or whatever?”

“I think I already accomplished that.”

“I knew you were talking about me!” he yelled, tackling you into the bed. He pressed play on the cassette player and laid down next to you. You felt so safe with him. You could be exactly who you were, and now you knew for sure that that was enough for your best friend. You didn’t really know what else to call him, but you knew it would always feel that way.

Eddie rolled over to look at you. “I think I love you,” he said, nervously awaiting a reply.

“I think I always have,” you say, looking into his eyes. You trace your fingers along his jaw, his cheekbones, and the crease of his neck, all of the places you always thought should be looked at but never touched. You were in love, or maybe you always were, or maybe it was the heat of the moment, but you knew for certain that you never wanted to leave his side again. He was safe, and so were you as the drums beat on and the guitar droned in the background as you explored each other. Despite all of the chaos, somehow, your biggest worry was just how to tell Dustin Henderson you were dating his father figure.

[cordycepsfem]

Pageboy - Let's Do This Thing

In keeping with my brand of, well, Ellen-posting, since my name is Ellie, I thought I'd continue Ellen-posting by reading a book by someone who used to be named Ellen and doing a review of said book for radblr. I'm going to break it up into chunks so you're not faced with giant posts of me rambling or EP rambling.

I would like to say that I feel like there are very few 30-somethings who should be writing memoirs. I've had a pretty exciting thirty-ish years on the planet and I don't think I'm qualified to write a memoir - not because it wouldn't be full of interesting, beautiful, life-changing, sometimes horrible things but because I'm only thirty-ish. I prefer memoirs by people who've lived a bit longer - but again, this is only my preference. I don't read a lot of memoirs as a whole, I guess.

Anyway.

Ellie's Read and Review of Pageboy (Part One)

Author's Note

EP is "grateful and terrified" because trans people "face increasing physical violence" and "our humanity is regularly 'debated' in the media" (citations not given)

the book would not have been written without the "health care" she received, which seems weird because what she describes in the first paragraph about not being able to write seems like ADHD and instead of taking Adderall and being seen by a therapist she took testosterone and had her breasts surgically removed

quotes Leslie Feinberg who, among other things, was a very serious pronoun enthusiast (as evident by Feinberg's Wikipedia page, no I'm not being sarcastic here, just go read it and tell me I'm not wrong)

I want to be a jackass about the last paragraph of the author's note but even I don't have it in me, because it makes sense and is kind.

Chapter One

EP meets someone named Paula and falls in love with her and they do mushrooms together

She thinks about Paula on her trip through Europe

They go to a gay bar

This line hit far harder than it had any right to:

She kisses Paula and it's marvelous

Chapter Two

The Village Voice writes a shitty article about EP calling her a "dyke" after Juno comes out

which is a name she was called many times growing up in Canada

EP played soccer and once went to a tournament in a town I would visit some twenty-odd years later for very different reasons

this is important because she rooms with a girl she has a crush on

she tries to come out to this girl as bisexual

the girl says "no you're not" and then her friends make fun of EP

I learn that Tim Horton's has bagels, which confuses me but is in fact true

EP's grandmother asks her father what they're going to do if it turns out EP is gay

the lines in this chapter that punched me in the chest:

because fuck yeah I was a fucked up kid who didn't plan to live much beyond age 18, EP, I see you

fame is not what EP thought it might be; she doesn't want to wear a dress to things but somehow they tell her she has to and she isn't allowed to say no (which I get, and is not great, but eventually you need to be able to say no and do what you want)

another magazine in Canada asks if she's gay

Paula from Chapter One is seen with her and it's speculated they're in a relationship; Paula's not out to her family and so things are all very sad and EP feels like she will never be free to be who she is

At this point I am just sad. I came out later in my life (22), and was diagnosed with gender dysphoria much later (33), but at age 12 after a lifetime of wearing dresses and having my hair the way my mother wanted it, I stopped letting that happen. I started to wear what I want. I grew out my hair. I learned about makeup and shaving and for a little bit bought into it and then said "fuck no," which I continue to do to this day because it's bullshit.

Who in EP's life thought it wasn't okay for her to wear pants, and why didn't she or someone else stop them? I've obviously never been a famous actor but as an actor aren't you the person in charge of what happens to your image? Why wasn't her publicist or her agent on her side?

I had a lot of good people in my life who made me believe in a future for myself. Sometimes they had to carry me physically through what was happening to make sure I made it to that future, and I'm here today because those people didn't give up on me. Where were those people in EP's life?

There are things about the EP situation that make me bow in over my ribcage. It's just sad, and seeing paths others take that look like they make sense to everyone but which seem to say something entirely different when looked at upside down... which is a rambling way of saying that it's almost 4 am and someone should have told EP she could have been a happy lesbian who wears pants without having her breasts surgically removed and taking cross-sex hormones.

Anyway, the laundry's done, more later.

[ryansjane]

What you said abt p'jojo, I feel this.

For Chueam, I thought for sure she would be more developed but I understood quickly (but not so quickly) it wouldn't and i was sad. Yeah sure it's a BOYSLOVE, but I thought.

The thing is, I started the first 3 eps of the show and realized it wasn't what I thought it would be, and that is saying smthg bc I had zero expectations. So I did a thing that I already did for a little few other gmmtv shows, I stopped watching, let loose of my thoughts, and started over 2 weeks later and catching it up live again. And honestly it was better. But I wasn't like other ppl in the fandom lmao. I had no analysis, no theories, no nothing. It was just vibes😅 But then something happened and idk why, but I got bored of it ??? Idk maybe it's like you said and this series had lots of shocking value, but in other departments it was lacking.

 Like the lack of repercussions or like just you know, finishing somethings, having resolutions. And having it makes sense for the characters, bc how you feel with something tells you what kind of a person you are. But they seem to kind of always cut that ? I don't know the words exactly English isn't my first language sorry (I'm so mad I can't find the words it's killing me my god).

For me it was also too much for the stable pairings if it makes sense. Like the first and khao and book and force (Mark and neo in this series as a couple was a great choice bc I didnt that 'problem' with them). I don't follows the actors closely at all but sometimes I could sense something weird. Like it's for example an actor interacting with the other actor he's close with, and not another entity interacting with another with their own (fictional) feelings. Again I'm really sorry for my weird English I don't know how to say it 😅 hope it makes sense lol.

So all in all, kind of fun, I don't mind having characters that have a grey moral, in fact I like them the most, or having characters opposite of my morals, bc it makes me think, and keep things interesting (well usually).

I like the mess usually, and I did like some in this series, but maybe this show is not for me bc it was a mess yes be for me not the right reason in a way, I think. Also I love a series that is concentrated on friends but sometimes hum something was lacking idk.

There is one thing that happened who made me rrreeeaallly think. Bc a character isn't supposed to always be the light of reason, and can make mistakes, or just have a different opinion of mine the watcher. And I like that. But yeah at one point I wanted to wake-up-slap Chueam. Bc I dont understand what the show/the story/the show runners whatever  was trying to tell me. And that's what I talked abt earlier. Bc either it is something that is not well resolved until the end, or it is and that's just that. Honestly idk.

[ Boston find a new group of friends. Bc they're like yeah we're messy and fucked up and then act or pretend like they are morally white and the he is evil. But I do like though how Nick and Boston broke up. That he should find someone who is okay with his way of life and share the same sentiments abt monogamy.]

And lastly I like the actors but i I'm so tired of seeing them with the same couple pairing. I want them to grow up outside of their couple pairing bc you can sense a sense of safety net when they act together. I find they are GOOD actors, I just want them to fly more.

But then again, all of this is my opinion, it's very subjective (apart from the lack of development of chueam, of course).

Maybe I'll rewatch this series next year in a binge. I'll be waiting for your review, if you will do one.

Sorry this is long, I send you my regards 🐝

I agree with everything you've said above. I think that when p'jojo announced this show as the gay friend zone, I was hoping it would bring the one thing that friend zone does not have into its show: queer community. I was hoping that, despite the drama, this would feel like such a relatable show to anyone who has a queer group of friends... but it really wasn't. the only parts I truly LOVED are sand being openly bi, though sadly all of his relationships are with men, and the kiss scene between sand & nick when they just laugh bc they realize they're not compatible. THIS! this felt like the queer experience. if the show had leaned into this kind of scenes, I would've honestly overlooked everything else. but again, having watched friendzone where 1) its female characters are developed 2) its WLW characters are loved & developed 3) stud is the best "slutty messy gay" character and boston WISH he could be him 4) topmew are just a re-hash of samearth's boring ass relationship 5) arm's character in friend zone was everything boeing should've been... the purpose of only friends becomes only the audience being shocked bc two random actors kissed and/or fucked. and by the end? I got mond & first kissing yet I felt nothing. ME! the biggest not me stan & a fan of the gramyok ship... felt absolutely nothing about seeing them kiss. bc since everyone kissed there was nothing to be surprised about. I'm glad that despite the show's popularity, people are FINALLY opening their eyes & seeing that it was not a good show and never was from the very start.

note: I feel the need to say something bc a few people have been misinterpreting what I mean when referencing the queer community. I do think this show represents some of the queer community well, and perhaps I relied too much on people knowing my opinion of jojo tichakorn & his previous shows for it to get understood. what I'm saying in this ask is that the show didn't lean into the queer FRIENDSHIP enough like the nicksand kiss example that I stated above, not that the queer experience reflected on the show is bad or unrealistic.

xxx

[lola-andheruniverse]

WIP Saturday - Caryl Fanfiction Rec

Dear fellow caryler, today's WIP is an old but gold fic from 2014. A fic this old is almost surely abandoned (but never say never). Sad but that's okay. It happens. Sometimes the author's muse simply doesn't collaborate anymore. Sometimes the fic doesn't get enough reviews to keep the author motivated. Sometimes canon kills everyone's vibes. My point is that it doesn't really matter why an author doesn't finish a fic. What matters is that old fics deserve the same amount of love and praise that new fics get. They shouldn't be forgotten - finished or not. Kintsugi by @jaibhagwan has six chapters posted on 9Lives and AO3. It deals with what could have happened to Carol after Rick kicked her out if the Governor never attacked the prison. Summary: S4 AU. Carol was everything to him and then she was lost. When Daryl finally finds her again, everything has changed except his feelings for her. Can he help her remember the goodness inside of her the way she once did for him? Kintsugi is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery using gold to mend the seams. Is there a better metaphor for Caryl? I think not. Rating: E / Explicit Chapters: 6  Word count: 26286  Published: May 23, 2014 - WIP

This fic is a beautiful one. It treads carefully but realistic through the very difficult and emotional place both Carol and Daryl are after he finds her and gets her home. Characterizations are on point and every prison era character has a chance to shine (Michonne fans will particularly love this story). It's been a few years since I read it for the first time and I'm still curious to know where this story could go. Here's a little excerpt to get you interested to read this one. Rick realizes what he has done: With both hands, Daryl grabbed Rick by his shirt and pushed him roughly against the wall. He wanted to strike Rick in his face to make him feel how much his actions had hurt him. Maybe he could knock some sense into the man. But despite what he'd done, Rick was still family, and Daryl cared about him. He didn't want to be like his father and take his grief out on the people he loved. He was a different kind of man. He was Carol's man of honor. She had suffered enough, and he was damned if he was ever going to let her down again. [...] Hearing the commotion, Glenn and Michonne approached cautiously from the cellblock as Rick stared at the photo.

"Everything alright?" Glenn asked.

"How could I have missed it?" Rick wondered, pulling his eyes from the picture.

There was a long pause as he reflected on his interaction with Daryl.

"How could I not see that he loves her?"

Please, dear fellow caryler, give this fic a try. Leave a review while you're at it. I'm sure our dear author will appreciate it and maybe even feel inspired to write again. Who knows? *fingers crossed* Love you all! Caryl on!

[lostlegendaerie]

so that post I made grieving about feeling unappreciated as a writer broke containment and got kinda big, and it makes me so sad to see that pain resonating with people so here are two happy little stories.

I turned 30 in March of this year, and I wanted to have a little party at my favorite sushi place.

"Oh, is it for a special occasion?" the staff on the other end of the line asked. I explained and she got so excited. "This is a kind of weird question, but what's your favorite sea animal?"

I quickly forget everything I've ever liked in my life and jump on one of my middle-popular favs, the kind that are pretty uncommon in zoos but someone would still know what they look like. "Beluga whales are super cute," I say.

"Is it okay if I draw a little card for you?" she asked.

"Of course!"

So I arrive a few days later, feeling nervous about my looks because it was my first time in drag, and when I get to the table and see all of my friends I see this waiting for me:

The cutest, happiest little beluga I've ever seen, complete with delicate shading and a little party hat. In tears, I asked the waitress about the artist: "oh, I saw her working on it on her breaks and between customers. She had so much fun."

Fifteen years before, I picked up a video game called The World Ends With You; a story of an emotionally distant teenager suddenly forced to trust strangers in a fight for his life in a stylish version of Shibuya, Tokyo. I found myself so enamored with the characters I took to Fanfiction.net to explore their dynamics further, and met a user named James Firebrand in the reviews of one of my stories. We'd get to know each other and enjoy the bliss of being teenagers in love for a couple years, spending hours talking on the phone in hushed tones so our abusive parents couldn't hear us, bonding over how different we felt from the rest of the world, sending emails to each other and waiting half an hour between emails for dial-up to load Yahoo Mail and receive a response. Then we were young adults, pushing the boundaries of who we were and what we could be, and as I struggled with my sexuality and fear of intimacy I pushed him away to catch my breath.

Years later, she reached back out, and we began to rebuild.

Last weekend I got to visit her for her birthday, spending a long weekend in a house of unabashedly queer Autistic people living their truth and loving each other without reserve. The hours I spent there could have been sad - a glimpse at a life we could have shared together - but itself it was filled with joy, showing me all the new shapes that love could take.

Before we left, we got tattoos together. Hers, a design to represent a friend she'd met in my absence that had saved her life. Mine, a reminder that even a stranger can love you so much it changes you forever.

There are things that hurt, things we have lost and we will lose. But sometimes old things come back, and sometimes we get new things we could never have imagined.

I love you both, @heyprincessboy and the woman who never even signed this card. You make me brave enough to keep going.

[mermaidsirennikita]

ARC REVIEW: Everyone I Kissed Since You Got Famous by Mae Marvel

3.75/5. Releases 6/11/24.

Vibes: second chance (or first chance after you never took the second), figuring out what love actually is, the cult of celebrity

Heat Index: 6.5/10

Wil Greene and Katie Price grew up together--their moms were best friends, after all. Then, in their senior year of high school, they became best friends... and almost more. But Katie went off and become a super successful, internationally famous actress; and more recently, Wil has become known for a viral TikTok account where she kisses new people every week and posts the videos. Katie's seen plenty of them. And now that she's back in Wisconsin for a month, she may be ready to finish what she and Wil almost started all those years ago.

This is an overall lovely (though imperfect) heartfelt, funny, and sexy romance that sort of mashes second chance with friends to lovers, though like--were they ever friends? Or were they finally allowing themselves to be close to each other despite the burgeoning tension? It's hard to say.

Don't worry about the celebrity angle--it's not that sexuality doesn't matter here, but you don't have a lot of "but what will the public think?" angst. Not that that's inherently wrong for queer celebrity romances. But this book is focused on something else, and though I think it sometimes got wrapped up in the characters' heads, it still leaves me wanting to read more from the Mae Marvel team (yes, that's a pen name for two writers!).

Quick Takes:

--Okay, so I want to get something out of the way here, as the back copy mentions 'Tis the Damn Season: how Taylor Swiftian is this? I would say, overall... enough to where, even if you notice a thing here or there, you can overall ignore it. The biggest thing for me was Katie's cats, which she's quite well known for having. And really? That probably wouldn't have come off as Swiftian to me if not for the TtDS comp. So... while I get it, I do wonder if that comp will turn some people off. I hope it doesn't.

--There's actually a really interesting connection between Wil's TikTok videos and Katie. Like, I was initially hesitant about the TikTok aspect, but the way it loops back to this connection between the two of them (beyond Katie being turned on by them... which she is) is clever. I appreciate that degree of thought going into it, the subtle character work.

--What's not subtle is the way that Wil and Katie talk to each other! I was of two minds on this. On the one hand, I kind of like that right out the gate these two are upfront about being into each other. It dodges a lot of the issues I find with friends to lovers stories, because again... are they friends? When they admit that they at minimum want to fuck from the beginning?

On the other, I did feel like these two communicated a little too well. I've seen a lot of reviews celebrating this, and I get it! But there's good communication that feels real, and good communication that's a little too good to be true. This was the latter, though it isn't too big of an issue. It's just that--at some point, I was like "okay we know where we stand, let's get this tied up". It's not because I wanted the story to end... But a huge part of any potential central conflict never happened, because Wil and Katie were on the same wavelength from the jump. Again, for a lot of people that's going to be great. For me, it did slow the book down a bit.

--In the same sense, these two just like each other so much. They're so besotted. And you get that over and over in the narrative. How amazing Wil thinks Katie is, how remarkable Katie thinks Wil is. And I would say that most of the time, that's really cute and genuine and sweet and soft. But it did go a little overboard.

--There's a really compelling backstory on both sides, and both are so real (in often sad ways). And in general, this was something I liked about these characters. Even when the sequence of events isn't that realistic--Katie has done a LOT in her young years, even by super famous actress standards--the leads still feel real. It adds to their love story and the intimacy between them.

The Sex:

The sex in this novel isn't that explicit, though I appreciate the diversity of sex acts and the way in which it was all seen as sex. You get about four-ish scenes. But beyond that, there is SO much sexual tension in this book, and it's hot. I mean, a lot of this novel is about kissing, and the moments before kissing, and knowing you want to kiss someone... It's delicious.

Was this a flawless book? No. I think there are still some things that need to be smoothed out, more of an emphasis put on the things that really leans into the raw and honest moments Marvel writes. But it's a fun read, and if you want to read about two ultimately good women falling in love--this is it.

Thanks to NetGalley and St. Martin's Press for providing me with a copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[pandasmagorica]

Intro/tracking post

Last updated May 18, 2024.

Older queer white cis dude in California, pronoun he.

Love music.

Enjoy QL, mostly Thai, mostly series. Here to read and comment on posts.

If a series puts me off in the first episode, I will often abandon it, sometimes within the first few minutes. I'm less likely to abandon midway. If I'm considering abandoning a series I've otherwise liked up to that point, I'll often read the reviews on MDL or look up posts on the series, at risk of getting spoilers, to decide whether to go on with it (and it's gone both ways).

Not a fan of spoilers, but recognize it as a risk of engaging so I don't (usually) spoiler-shame. Please don't put them in comments to me, if you would be so kind.

Okay with sad endings if they're earned or otherwise inevitable.

Incomplete watchlist (which I will update from time to time):

Top Ten (in order as best I can, ask me on another day and stuff might move):

Not Me (best QL series ever for plot, acting, cinematography, and music, content warning for violence) (1 re-watch)

Bad Buddy (lots of fun, new discoveries on every re-watch) (3 re-watches)

He's Coming to Me (heartwarming, delightful coming-of-age work. I didn't care for the library raid part and skipped it once on rewatch and there seemed to me to be some inconsistencies with the ghost rules.) (3 re-watches)

Cherry Magic (Japanese version, delightful, looking forward to the Thai remake if they ever settle the rights issues)

To Sir With Love (could get me to try lakorns)

Semantic Error (enemies to lovers comedy that hits all the right notes)

A Tale of a Thousand Stars (fine series, not sure why I haven't rewatched it, need to rewatch after Our Skyy 2)

55:15 Never Too Late (not QL but has a QL subplot, notable for having an older semi-out gay character) (1 re-watch)

Gaya Sa Pelicula (Like in the Movies) (odd couple thrown together, fall in love, hit limits)

Eternal Yesterday (re-watch episode notes) (not usually into high school QL but the plot got me and it blew me away, achingly sad throughout) (1 re-watch)

Much as I love them, I don't automatically recommend every one of them to everyone. The right rec for the right person!

In progress

Wandee Goodday

The Eighth Sense (on possible hold as I consider a trope I don't love)

Cherry Magic (Thai) (on apparently long-term hold pending rights issues)

I Promised You the Moon (but not actively watching)

Considering

Okay, this is a really long list and I'm probably not going to watch all of them, but a fan's gotta dream, right?

Although I Love You, and You?

Ex-Morning

The Heart Killers

Leap Day

Mama Gogo

Midnight Motel

My Strawberry Film

Old Fashioned Cupcake

Oh! Boarding House

1000 Years Old

The Player

Revamp

Shadow (although probably not)

Stay Still

The Spirealm (this ones an unlikely stretch - censored and 38 x 45 minutes equals over 28 hours)

ThamePo

Unknown (to binge)

Us

First episode watched but not committed to

Our Dining Table

Also Completed:

A Cut Above (in alphabetical order):

Near misses for my top 10 - there can only be 10 - but bubbling under that line. Highly recommended.

Anti-Reset (episode notes) (speculative fiction on the future of AI, in a robot and a human who fall in love, quite emotional)

Formula 17 (campy and fun) (2 or 3 rewatches)

History 3: Trapped (very funny and enjoyable

I Became the Main Role of a BL Drama (feel-good comedy)

The Great Doctor (episode notes) (not QL) (medical/historical/time travel mashup, content warning for violence and gory medical stuff)

Kiseki: Dear to Me (watch notes) (top notch crime drama with a lot of humor - content warning for violence - includes an older gay couple) (1 rewatch)

Lovely Writer (very meta about the QL industry and quite funny)

Moonlight Chicken (touching and fun)

Once Again (touching time travel, sad throughout) (1 rewatch)

180 Degrees Longitude Passes Through Us (intelligent and a good watch, melancholy, feels very much like a stage play)

The Sign (deeply flawed but wild and enthralling deep dive into northeastern Thai mythology disguised as a cop series - content warning for violence - yeah, it's a mess but it's a glorious mess)

10 Years Ticket (episode notes) (crime drama about two warring families, bittersweet ending - not QL, but there's a QL subplot)

3 Will Be Free (review link) (wild ride with great twists, content warning for violence, yeah I'd call it QL)

Until We Meet Again (fine contrast between the ghosts of the past and the world of today, deep story, but has a few problematic scenes that I cringe at, theme music got repetitive; content warning for suicide) (1 or 2 re-watches)

The Warp Effect (not QL, but some queer characters)

and a fanfic:

What's in Your Head (Bad Buddy zombie fic) (content warning for violence, requires AO3 login)

Others I enjoyed (in alpha order):

I enjoyed these enough to be happy I watched them, but not enough to consider them classics and in no danger of breaching my top 10.

Be My Favorite (fun time-travel fantasy with a strong political viewpoint and good twists, one of the mains is a bit hard to take)

Bed Friend (not sure enjoyed is the right word, has some triggers, but worth seeing, loved the cat role-play)

The Boy Foretold By the Stars (fun, sweet comedy)

Choco Milkshake (fun, touching pet fantasy)

Cupid's Last Wish (fun body-swap plot, insane amount of food and landscape porn, rural settings, content warning for gross cow veterinary scene)

Dark Blue Kiss (pretty good, creepy interloper)

Dear Tenant (enjoyed isn't the right word, and had to pause and walk away from it partway for a major cry, but an excellent film)

DNA Says I Love You (review link) (sweet, sad, interesting gender minority rep)

The End of the World With You (mix of SF and fantasy, good story and relationships)

Eternal Summer (Taiwanese film about youth discovering their identity - bisexual love triangle - well done if a bit melancholy)

Ghost Host, Ghost House (nice supernatural treatment)

Gift Shop for People You Hate (not QL but has two minor gay characters making guest appearances, one evil and one harmless) (horror, with a very dark sense of humor) (this one doesn't show an English title on YouTube, but if you search YouTube under that name you'll find it) (1 rewatch)

Jack O'Frost (melancholy and sweet)

The Man Who Defies the World of BL (very funny after watching several series and becoming aware of the tropes)

The Man Who Defies the World of BL season 2 (okay, maybe a joke can go on long enough)

Me, My Husband and My Husband's Boyfriend (bittersweet poly-ish story)

Midnight Museum (not QL but has a major bromance that could go full QL if there's ever a sequel) (a mess, but a glorious mess)

Mr. Unlucky Has No Choice But to Kiss (quite enjoyable)

My Ride (enjoyable comedy with dramatic moments - includes an older gay couple)

Naked Dining (good fun, lots of misunderstandings and food porn)

Neverland (web series from India, well done and too brief)

Our Dating Sim (fun series about the courage to correct your mistakes from the past, set in the video game workplace - a few cringe moments, but generally a very kind series)

Rainbow Prince (campy and fun, not enough songs for something that's supposed to be a musical, you have to be okay with cheesy)

Rak Diao (funny, very silly, although the harassment jokes got old fast and didn't stop)

Sleep With Me (review link) (sweet lesbian romance, kinda slow for such short episodes, great disability rep)

Something in My Room (the abridged-episode version) (good, not great, ghost story)

Stay By My Side (review link) (fun ghost story version of Mr. Unlucky Has No Choice But to Kiss)

Tale of the Lost Boys (movie) (friendship story between a visiting straight Filipino and a gay Taiwanese aboriginal in Taiwan, heartwarming story)

Tinted with You (a way too short, fun time travel fantasy involving a painting and a mystical art lover that bring an art student together with an ancient deposed prince)

Twilight Kiss aka Suk Suk (fine, bittersweet Hong Kong film about an affair between two heterosexually married men who are actually closeted gay men)

Twins (Thai pulp, fun, not too deep)

Your Name Engraved Herein (not sure enjoyed is the right word but it's fine work)

Zero Photography (from Magic of Zero) (most entertaining product promotion vehicle I've seen in QL, even better than Pran & Pat's product placements in Bad Buddy)

Torn about:

These all had some kind of major issue that prevents me from recommending them.

Fish Upon the Sky (appalled at the racism/punch-down humor in episode 4, otherwise loved its play with form)

Last Twilight (entrancing series, but the characters didn't grow, the ending was poorly set up - needed a few more episodes - and it ultimately fumbled on disability rep)

Mr. Cinderella (nearly abandoned this one because of a supporting toxic character, but kept with it after reading a post about the traditional Vietnamese story it was tracking)

Secret Crush on You (cringed for the first half, considered dropping it, read the defense by trans reviewers, watched the rest, and suddenly it got really good)

Together With Me (mix of great content and really problematic content)

Lukewarm:

I'm more glad than not that I watched these but in retrospect would have been okay if I had missed them:

Bagan Beginning (Not-bad early Myanmar QL, lots of food and antiquity porn, content warning for violence in the last episode)

Color Rush (interesting concept, okay)

Enchanté (not as bad as people say it is, but also just okay)

Gay OK Bangkok and Gay OK Bangkok 2 (definitely gay and, er, okay)

Nitiman (okay enough)

Only Friends (episode notes) (a sex farce with too much toxic behavior for my taste and a last episode choice that left a bad taste in my mouth)

Our Skyy 2 Bad Buddy x Thousand Stars (counting the four episodes as one series even though they have different names, didn't love this but didn't hate it either, very pale compared to the original two separate series)

Our Skyy 2 Vice Versa (was just okay with a really bad idea at the base of its plot)

Star & Sky: Star in My Mind (not great, not bad)

The Tasty Florida (cute enough, just so-so)

Vice Versa (brief notes) (good concept, product placements became way too intrusive for my full enjoyment)

Ones I wish I could watch:

I only watch legit sources, both so the creators get money for it and to reduce the hacking risks that watching gray presents.

Triage (I don't have a Thai phone number to log in to AISPlay, and even if I did not sure if it would have English subtitles)

Manner of Death (I need a WeTV subscription and will check that out) (thank you to @lurkingteapot for this info)

I Feel You Linger in the Air

Peach of Time (supernatural plot) (supposedly I can watch this on WeTV using VPN but I'm not yet ready to make the leap to VPN)

Series I abandoned:

23.5, despite my pledge to watch it, very late (episode 11, mid-part-2/4) because of what I call the punching bag trope that just showed up

Accomplishment of Fundoshi Bartender (episode 2 when he screamed offstage about not dating married men - I know this series isn't intended to be realistic but I still need the other characters to react to his behavior - this series has gotten entirely too silly for me)

Candy Colored Paradox (bored by episode 2 or 3)

Cooking Crush (a few minutes into episode 1 [2/4] as it is getting way too silly for me, plus we're going to have to put up with hazing/bullying as comedy - at least they had some new sound effects)

Cutie Pie (hated the infantilizing, left by episode 3 or 4)

I Told Sunset About You (left in episode 1, not loving the high school content)

Love by Chance (had someone fall on top of someone else in the first 30 seconds, left immediately)

Love Stage (apparently without most of the music - I'm guessing there's rights issues - but I abandoned it after 2 episodes because one of the lead's acting felt flat and I didn't enjoy the humor)

Lucky My Love (first segment didn't engage me)

Meow Ears Up (lost interest in the first episode with the fangirls in the store incident)

My Secret Love (first segment didn't engage me)

One Room Angel (dropped after episode 3 because it's so depressing; open to returning if it cheers up)

Playboyy (a new record - I got scared away by the content warning before the episode even started - however, based on various posts I might reconsider in for a binge watch once it's over)

SOTUS (not a fan of hazing)

Star & Sky: Sky in Your Heart (abandoned around the time of the outhouse incident)

Theory of Love (abandoned when nearly at the beginning Gun's character was crying in the shower)

VIP Only (failed to engage me in the first episode)

Un-favorite tropes:

Falling on someone

Heavy seme/uke dynamic

Northern rural Thai loan sharks

Evil ex

Boss/Employee

Stuff that I've written as opposed to reblogged I've tagged #pandasmagorica so I can find them easier.

[moonstone-vibe]

Fic writer (of doom) interview :))

Thank you @melodious-tear for tagging me! 🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰

How many works do you have on AO3? - 83 (whaaaat? :)) okay, but I started writing some 15 years ago)

What’s your total AO3 word count? - 1,462,003. Like I said. And to quote that meme, 'some may be good, some may be shit'

What are your top 5 fics by kudos? - 1. Age of Astaroth (Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist), 2. You don't need a (fucking) quirk (僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia), 3. Are we still playing (Haikyuu!!) , 4. Compensation (Haikyuu!!), 5. Reactive (Hetalia: Axis Powers)

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? - ALWAYS!!! And I also put lots of hearts and bunnies and whatnot, for mysterious reasons. But seriously, I love comments, and not just positive feedback. It means my work has caused a reaction with the reader, stirred some emotion. I'm always grateful.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? - hmm, I guess the angstiest would be Resentful (陈情令 | The Untamed (TV), 魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 | Módào Zǔshī - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù) , but Bai Lin's lament (琉璃 | Love and Redemption (TV)) is quite sad too. But usually I avoid angsty/sad/unhappy endings and strive to give my characters at least some silver lining if not a fully happy ending. I'm a sucker for happy endings, me.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending? - The Embrace of Death and the Kiss of Life (Soul Eater). This immediately comes to mind

Do you write crossovers? - I was about to say never, but in fact I recently wrote one. For smut purposes only :)))

Have you ever received hate on a fic? - I have received the abundant pleasantries of the infamous Guest reviewers back when I was active on fanfiction.net, but those people either had a problem with the sacred guidelines or were just there to troll but never related to a fic itself. On AO3 there was the very dedicated XiYao troll, but again, they had a problem with the pairing in general rather than with my fics.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? - I wrote both het and BL, but only BL was ever fully explicit (influenced by my absolute shifu sectionladvivi/Daniel May. I'm hardly on his level though). I never wrote yuri and I wouldn't either.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? - I don't think so.

Have you ever had a fic translated? - Yeah, Rise of the Emerald Princess (Soul Eater) was translated and that person also asked me if they could write a prequel one-shot/spin off. I was beyond flattered, you guys!

Have you ever co-written a fic before? - I have, but just once. I'd like to give it a try sometime, but it's a commitment. Maybe a one-shot.

What’s your all-time favorite ship? - When it comes to ships, my muse is as faithful as an incubus, I have no control over this thing, you get the picture. So, no. Why settle on a fave anyway? :))

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? - I will strive to finish all my WIPs (I have like 2 :))) Normally when a fic is hopeless, I just delete it.

What are your writing strengths? - that sometimes I can write :)))))

What are your writing weaknesses? - that I have no control over my muse whatsoever and that includes long periods 'on the dry'

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? - it's cool as long as it's a language I have at least some vague knowledge of. Walter Essner speaking French is everything :)))

What was the first fandom you wrote for? - Inglorious Basterds

What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to? - nothing comes to mind right now...

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? - hmmm, can't decide between Boy in gold silk (陈情令 | The Untamed (TV)) and White man's coffin (陈情令 | The Untamed (TV)) 

tagging @estbela @starsmadeinheaven @doodlin-moons , @someone-you-do-not-know , @coffeewithcutcaffeine, @roseszirnheld and anyone else who might want to give it a try ;)

[anicejuicymurder]

My month in mysteries (January 2024)

Thought I'd start a series of posts, rounding up all the mystery media I consumed at the end of each month! Here's what I watched and read in January 

TV

The Gone

NZ crime drama that sees an Irish detective travel to NZ to work with a local cop when an Irish couple goes missing. It's a decent enough show, though I figured out the culprit very early on, but that's fine. I liked Acushla-Tara Kupe as the NZ cop a lot and the touches of Māori culture. I hope it gets renewed, though, because it ends on a cliffhanger lol

Something Undone

Haven't finished this one! Canadian show about true crime podcasters investigating a cold case. Loved the atmosphere and cinematography, but I found it very difficult to follow and I feel like I missed something somewhere 

Deadloch

Brilliant! Wrote a review post about it here

Fargo

After nearly ten years of being on my watchlist, decided to finally watch Fargo, so I can watch the newest season. I know it's an anthology, but my brain won't let me watch things out of order, even in cases like these. I've only watched two or three eps, though, because I'm finding it difficult to get into :\

The Tourist (season 2)

This is stretching the parameters of this blog a little, but it *is* a mystery haha anyway, I enjoyed it a lot, though I was sad to leave Australia behind. Still, Ireland is gorgeous, and Jamie Dornan and Danielle Macdonald are just wonderful together. If you like dark humour, I highly recommend it!

I also started re-watching Grantchester and Vienna Blood

Movies

Where the Crawdads Sing

This is the kind of thing that should be right up my alley but it just fell flat for me

Maigret

I'm not overly familiar with Maigret—I've never read any of the books and the only other adaptation I've seen is the one with Rowan Atkinson some years back—but this was okay. Fairly subdued, but the costumes are great!

Invitation to a Murder

A little period murder piece in the vein of Agatha Christie (though not as good), that is inexplicably set in England when most of the cast seems to be American. But it was diverting enough and I'm pretty easy to please when it comes to period murder mysteries. I would 100% watch a series of Mischa Barton's character solving murders!

Miss Willoughby and the Haunted Bookshop

The titular Miss Willoughby has a friend who is plagued by the ghost of her dead father and she sets out to get to the bottom of what's going on. Feels a lot like some of the Hallmark mystery movies, but maybe a little nicer looking. It's not a murder mystery, but still has those cosy vibes I love. Again, I'd watch more—it's a very easy 'switch brain off' kind of watch, which I need sometimes

I also re-watched The Last of Sheila, which is just brilliant

Books

Lay Your Sleeping Head by Michael Nava

This is the first in the series of the Henry Rios mysteries (or the rewritten version of the first, which was originally titled The Little Death), which sees Rios, a gay, Latino criminal defence lawyer thrown headlong into a tangle of murder, amongst other things.

I thought it was really well-written and I enjoyed the protagonist a lot! It felt similar to Joseph Hansen's Brandsetter novels and Richard Stevenson's Strachey series—closer to the hardboiled tradition than cosies, but I love both types of detective fiction equally.

[lserver362reviews]

This was the saddest fucking movie I've ever seen.

This review is going to be all over the place, but as per usual I'm going to start with a deeply personal overshare of where I'm at for this viewing. I'm seeing this as the first watch of the New Year after coming off of 2 months of deeply missing my sister, who lives in another state. This movie understands what it is to go through your little everyday needs while having a giant sibling sized hole in your heart. I sobbed at this movie, especially during the dream sequence of the afterlife, but throughout the whole film I was getting chills. I sobbed last week at Christmas Mass because the priest started his homily with a comment on how all of his Christmas memories are of him and his two older sisters, in the house that they grew up in, which has been sold so that place truly only exists in his memory now. The first thing I thought of when I woke up on Christmas morning was how my sister and I would always get up extra early, before our parents, and just sit together in front of the tree and look at the lights. That's what Christmas means to me. My childhood house is also now sold. I was so affected by Kevin's statement that he doesn't even need to be doing anything in particular with his brothers-it's just the being together. I will be going to my sister's for Christmas next year. It cannot be overstated how masterful Zac Efron is in this film. When David is announced as having the match against the heavy weight champ you just see Kevin embody every emotion. The betrayal, the holding himself together, the wanting to cry, the disappointment, the growing cold. Then again when Kerry gives his father the gun and Kevin bores his eyes into Pam as if to say, maybe if we just pretend we aren't here it'll be okay. I cried very hard at the sight of absolutely swelling Zac Efron cradle his little baby. So beautiful and you just know that this man will try his hardest to not be his father (whether that means running away to protect them from the curse or by remaining and being triggered by his own grief). There was such a delicate balance of conveying his limited worldview, wanting to live up to his dad's expectations (manipulations), and support his brothers above everything else. Just masterful from Efron, and I didn't think I'd see that to this level. I came to this movie because A24, I love Richard Reed Perry, and I'm a huge fan of the talent that is Harris Dickinson. I think the final straw was that A24 mailed me my zine which had the pinup of my baby, Harris Dickinson. I hope to continue to watch everything he does (plug here for FX's mini series, Trust). Every time Harris was on screen I had the dopiest grin on my face because he just makes me happy and especially so as David. And then the unexpected happened. I didn't know anything about the Von Erich's and I certainly don't know anything about wrestling (I did love the Netflix series, GLOW), so this was almost completely foreign territory to me. Wrestling is just heterosexual drag, right? I knew this movie would be sad, and I knew that I'm super susceptible to anything that showcases siblingship, but this was a new level. The tragedy of it all. Sometimes the movie felt clunky but that kind of fit with the body shapes thematically. Some lines, especially from the father didn't feel natural to me. I think Maura Tierney was outstanding for what little screentime she had. The music, the costuming, as well as the camera work was all superb. I also did like seeing Michael J Harney and Lily James. Also I LOVE when a movie has a, Thank God I'm A Country Boy, needle drop (looking at you, Pauly Shore's Son-in-Law)!!! Once again, I was crushed by the ending dialogue and the way this movie just gets what it means to love your family. I loved that two background wrestlers were actual Von Erichs! Maybe I should rewatch Blue Valentine or Dead Man Walking before saying this is the saddest movie I've ever seen but man, I have not sobbed like that in a theater before. I'm glad I managed to stick with it. This movie bonzo gonzo'd my heart.

[iphoenixrising]

Just wanted to say I hope you’re having a lovely winter and happy holidays if you celebrate! I will be here to read your sad Tim Christmas story on Christmas Eve, as is my tradition, to get all my sad out before I have to deal with family the next day. I don’t recall if I ever reviewed it, but I love the story and how softly sad it is. So thank you for the story and I hope 2023 is your best year yet after a wonderful December

Hi babe.

We had an okay holiday! Unfortunately, I got the flu after Christmas, but other than that, things were pretty nice. I was going to try writing something new, but the flu was incredibly gnarly and I just did not have the strength to do much more than lay around and be miserable lol.

The sad Christmas thing is one of my favorite hurt/no comfort things, kind of like the first few chapters of Dead Birds. I have a hard time around the holidays since kiddo's dad and I separated so sometimes I have to get out all my sad before dealing with people as well <3

But thank-you, thank-you, for letting me know you love this fic after all this time.

[dustedmagazine]

Let’s Eat Grandma — Two Ribbons (Transgressive)

Photo by El Hardwick

It feels like the last few years weren’t supposed to go like this for Let’s Eat Grandma. 2018’s I’m All Ears was a triumph, an album made only more impressive by the fact that its auteurs were teenagers. Jenny Hollingworth and Rosa Walton were getting good reviews and audiences, not to mention living out the dream of many by being in a band with their best friend from early childhood. The factors that make the new Two Ribbons less a victory lap and more a hard-fought new peak in the duo’s oeuvre are a combination of the achingly quotidian and the nightmarishly rare. On the one hand, as their teen years were ending, the pair, friends since age four, found themselves on slightly different wavelengths for the first time (recalibrating from which, as anyone with long-lasting enough childhood friendships can attest, can be a painful and tricky process). And on the other Hollingworth’s boyfriend died at the age of 22. Amazingly enough, Two Ribbons is neither the sound of Hollingworth and Watson paralyzed by these varying levels of grief, anger, loneliness and guilt nor them pretending like everything was or is okay. It’s almost incidental that this is also their best album and one of the best synth pop records of the year.

This may be a record partly about mourning and dislocation, and one that doesn’t hesitate to acknowledge the more difficult parts of the situations that the duo went through (it’s simply never going to feel right to lose someone that young, even if your friendship heals and deepens you’ll never quite have that telepathic childhood closeness), but there’s far more than gloom here. The opening “Happy New Year” basks in the joy of repair, the chorus beaming “and nothing that was broken can touch how much I care for you,” while “Levitation” is the most effervescent song you’re likely to hear about disassociating on the bathroom floor. And while the increased level of compositional and sonic polish is to be expected from still-young artists getting increasingly used to their form (especially with fewer outside collaborators, this time the whole record produced by the band and David Wrench throughout) there’s still plenty of their vivid inventiveness, whether it’s the bit that gives “Insect Loop” it’s title or the way “Hall of Mirrors” evokes the way a crush can make your head swim. 

For the first time Walton and Hollingworth wrote songs separately to begin with here, although they still crisscross vocally and worked on each other’s. If Walton, with “Happy New Year” and “Hall of Mirrors,” gets some of the biggest moments, Hollingworth takes lead on some of the more devastating ones. The closing title track is a gorgeously sad reckoning with changing friendships and lost partners, one that acknowledges the pain that can’t be dismissed and the people who are still there to love. But maybe the key track here is the wrenching, soaring “Watching You Go,” a song about both the determination to live in the face of loss and the immense, consuming anger that we sometimes have to wrestle with to do so, eventually cracking the sky with guitar in order to release it. Two Ribbons is the kind of great record that you kind of wish the artists never had to make. 

Ian Mathers

[ibitsunahaato]

Rhapsody of a Mediocrity

Season: Summer

Aira: (Oh man, what do I do… I don’t think I’ll get suspended just because of a failed test.)

(But when the marks are THIS terrible, it is a big shocker.)

(It was just a quiz so the damage is still low, but if these were the results of the periodic exam…)

(AH~ Just imagining it is sending shivers down my spine.)

(I’ll try harder next time. I’ll study properly and make sure not to fail.)

(...is what I say whenever we get our answer sheets back. Actually doing it is something that has never happened.)

(I suck at studying… Yumenosaki is an idol training school so why don’t we have more idol-esque lessons(?))

(Memorising the names of idols and singing idol songs—If those were our lessons, then I’m confident my results would have been the best…♪)

Hiiro: —You seem quite happy, Aira.

Aira: H-Hiro-kun?!

Hiiro: Did something pleasant happen? If you don’t mind, I would like you to tell me as well… Let me partake in your joy.

Aira: Nothing nice happened… Why are you here though? This is a first year classroom?

Hiiro: Umu, I know. But classes ended a while ago and even after a long time passed, Aira didn’t appear… So I came to pick you up.

I’m grateful that you were in your classroom. Since I’m still unfamiliar with this building.

Aira: Ah… Yeah, didn’t I promise that I’ll show you around school?

But now’s a bad time so can I show you around tomorrow? I’m feeling down right now so I’m not really in the mood for it…

Hiiro: ? You are feeling down? Did something happen?

Aira: The results of my test were terrible, y’know. Well, it is my fault for doing nothing and just saying that I’m bad at it.

Ah… I’m glad I get to see idols here but yeah, I do hate school after all…

Hiiro: School is a fun place. It’s sad if you come to hate it just because your test results were bad.

Tests are something like aggregations of data. Isn’t it okay not to worry about numbers like that?

Aira: A mediocrity like me WILL worry.

Hiiro: Really? Then you should study hard in order to get good marks.

Aira: Agh… you’re touching my sore spot…

Even I know that much. I’m worried because I CAN’T do it!

…What about you, Hiro-kun? Second years also had tests, right?

Hiiro: Ah. We just got back our test papers today.

Aira: …WOAH, a perfect score for everything?! What’s this… You sure you didn’t cheat?

Hiiro: I didn’t. I just had to memorise the portions covered in class and enter them accordingly on paper. It was simple ♪

Aira: “Simple”, huh? This is why geniuses are…~

(But he “memorised”? He approached the tests in a way that’s most like him, huh.)

(Massively different from me who tried to escape reality by cleaning my room and organising my idol merch right before the tests…)

(...I keep procrastinating and making things harder for me.)

(It seems like the same questions from this test will appear for the periodic exam so maybe I should review the questions so that I don’t forget them…?)

...So like I said earlier, is it okay if I show you around tomorrow? I wanted to go to the library to study.

Hiiro: Why? Isn’t the library a place where you read books, like the Book Room at Seisoukan?

Aira: Ah, that place is the best when it comes to studying. You can focus since it’s quiet.

(...I’ve never studied at the library myself, but I have seen people study there sometimes so… It should be fine, right?)

—And...

Aira: Why did you follow me here, Hiro-kun?

Hiiro: Since the school tour has been cancelled, I have nothing to do.

You told me about the library but I’ve never actually used it. So I thought I’d use this as an opportunity to understand this place.

Aira: Ah, whatever. You’re free to decide how to spend your time, but don’t get in the way of my studies, ‘kay?

(Let’s forget about Hiro-kun and focus on studying… Focus…)

...

(...I wonder what kind of books Hiro-kun will read? We’ve never talked about it so I can’t really guess.)

 (Hm~ It’s not about them being easy but I feel like picture books would suit him. Oh, and encyclopaedias about edible plants)

(Are books like that available in this library?)

(...Wait, I’m getting thrown off track. Focus on studying! Focus!)

Time: One hour later

Aira: …

(...Ah~ So the grammar was wrong here.)

(I feel like I’ve gotten the knack of it. Fufu, with this, victory’s mine…♪)

(...Hm? I can feel someone’s gaze on me…)

WOAH, that scared me. When did Hiro-kun sit down opposite me?

Hiiro: …

Aira: Why the silence? No, explaining by waving your hands around won’t help me understand.

You’re taking my notebook and writing something on it… “Aira is the one who told me not to get in his way.”

Aira:  Yeah, but… Talking by writing is a hassle so it’s okay… You can speak.

Hiiro: Thank you, that’s a huge help. I can convey my feelings better by mouth than through writing, you see.

You said you were bad at studying but it’s admirable how you are tackling it so earnestly.

I deeply respect the part of you that is such a hard worker, Aira.

Aira: Yeah, yeah…Thanks… If it’s just about working hard, anyone can do it.

But if you can’t get results, then it's meaningless no matter how much time you spend on it. It’s nothing but a waste of time.

Hiiro: The rate of growth is different for every person. If there are trees that grow more than a metre a day, there are also trees that take several years in order to establish their roots.

But if you continue to care for them without giving up, they will grow for sure. People are the same… Hard work will never betray you.

Aira: (I know that it’s impossible for a dropout like me to not take time.)

(But I can’t wait till the buds start sprouting. Ah~ How I wish I could say “It was simple” like Hiro-kun said…)

I’m beat so it’s time for a break~ Maybe I should go buy something sweet.

Hiiro: Something sweet?

Aira: Yeah. They say that sweet stuff's good for when you’re tired.

Hiiro: Why?

Aira: Dunno… It’s something like a common belief.

Hiiro: Umu. Let me join you so that I can confirm.

Aira: Huh~? Isn’t Hiro-kun following me around like a baby chick?

Hiiro: Umu. It’s because Aira knows a lot of things that I don’t. I can’t get tired of being together with you.

Aira: Hm~... Well, it’s not like I really mind.

(Hiro-kun really is strange. He can study but the rest is all yikes… To the point that he can’t do anything without me.)

(I’m just showing off in front of Hiro-kun’s lack of common sense though.)

(But sometimes–yeah, ju~st sometimes, he’ll say something nice.)

(You can’t get tired of being together… I guess even I feel the same…♪)

Writer: Yuumasu

Proofing: mai

[voicefromthecorner]

I can see where the narrative is going here, so I’m sure the game isn’t about to leave us on a downer note, but I have to appreciate this moment here where, much like Shiki earlier, Rindo is bracing himself for the possibility of disappointment - the possibility that he’ll never see Shoka again. In this moment, he’s just in mourning as he starts to accept that possibility. And you can see how much that breaks his heart. Especially the line “There’s so much I wanted to say.” Grief is, from that famous WandaVision line, love persevering, though I’ve also heard it defined as love unexpressed. It’s a bit of both, I guess and it’s always sad to see.

Real talk. This is a pretty serious and personal anecdote, so feel free to skip the rest of this post if you’re not here for that, but...

I had a friend on here, this very website, who disappeared off it some years back. She went through a few different usernames, even a couple of different blogs, I think, but she always kept in touch. She was probably the closest online friend I’ve ever had. We shared so many interests and often reacted to things together. We played ask games and confided some struggles in each other from time to time. I tried to encourage her every time she was down about things and I appreciated how much she would do the same for me. She was a talented writer, loved writing reviews. She was a kind friend who made such a great effort to be there for me when I needed someone to talk to. And she was so funny.

A little like Rindo and Shoka here, it turned out we were surprisingly local to each other. Our shared country is part of how we met but, while there was a concern about privacy, we noticed there was a slight overlap of our citygoing experiences. One of my biggest regrets was turning down an opportunity to go and see a play that she was in. I had to for a family thing, but looking back, I wish I hadn’t missed that opportunity. I actually “missed my chance to make a friend”. Though I hoped I would, I never got any other chances to meet her. Maybe things would be no different if I had, but I’ll never know.

We still chatted and got along as well as ever, but then one day she just stopped posting. I gave her space for a bit but then I started to get concerned and tried reaching out to check in with her, but she never replied. That was a long time ago now. She had a review blog outside of this website that I kept tabs on but one day, even that disappeared. I don’t know where she is or what she’s doing, but honestly, I don’t mind that part. I just wish I knew if she’s okay. I try not to dwell on it too much, but I still miss her and I always hope that she’s doing alright.

So sometimes I feel like Fret, missing somebody that I tried to be there for and not really knowing how to deal with the regret and sadness that comes with it, but mostly I feel like Rindo here. She may never come back and while I wish we could talk like we used to, there’s nothing I can do but keep going and pray that she’s alright. That she’s happy. I miss her and there’s a lot I’ll never get to say to her, but I’d trade all of it just to know that she’s in a good place.

Being on this website never felt the same when she was gone. For a long time, I came close to closing my account here, but I kept it open primarily to make sure she would still have a friend to talk to if she ever came back, if she wanted it. Some days, it was the only reason my account was still here. But then I started liveblogging TWEWY and now we’re here. I’m here.

So yeah, that’s kind of my story. Seeing Rindo here just reminded me of that feeling. I’ve considered posting about it a few times, since it was so tied to this blog and all, but it never felt like a good time. I’m glad, even if it’s here in the liveblog, that I’ve expressed it. I think I’ve needed to put in writing for a while, just to get it off my chest if nothing else.

To my friend, if you’re reading this, then I’m glad you’re okay. I do miss you, but I’m thankful for our friendship and I wish you nothing less than a bright future, whether or not I’m there for it. You’re the best and you always were.

[averseunhinged]

it is the end of the summer and project: secret plan to treat my own anxiety disorder until i can find a semi-local psychiatrist who is both taking patients and not a complete wackadoo has been. you know. hits and misses.

(+) have figured out my newly diversified social media usage to some extent, i.e. where i'm comfortable posting what content

(-) really, really hate juggling bluesky, instagram, tumblr, and the artist formerly known as twitter*. it makes me feel even more scattered than i normally do.

(+) removed most of the social media apps on my phone. it feels more manageable when it's not a constant barrage of notifications. i still have tafkat and bluesky on my phone, at least for now, but the rest are strictly laptop only.

(+) wrote things, both fic and original, with the actual intent to share them

(-) still having phases of massive panic attacks while writing, because i dared contemplate potentially allowing other ppl to read it in some capacity or another

(+) not having them every single time i open up a word document, tho. sometimes it even feels as fun as when i'm handwriting in notebooks.

(+) participated in fandom stuff

(+) sort of

(+) like the bare minimum of participation

(-) and then: panic/horror/despair

(+) but i'm kind of figuring out how it all works in the year of our lord etc. and there is LESS of the aforementioned, which...jesus, i can't even begin to describe how nice it is to be able to do things i really do want to do without the meatsack totally shutting down, because it can't read the room, and thinks i'm for realsies going to die.

(-) i was for sure using the wrong strain of sativa for a while

(-) white durbin was a bad scene for me

(+) do recommend jack herer and og sour diesel for adhd, tho. they sort of streamline the braining, but don't totally jack me up.

other more personal ups and downs, too. so. progress. ish. not as much as i (unrealistically) wanted, but there was some at least? i don't have a ton of secret plan stuff going into autumn, other than REALLY do it up for the autumn/winter holidays this year, if i'm well enough, because my sister broke off a long term relationship with a guy who was not holiday fun.

more of what i've already been trying to do, i guess. if i have to. which i do. being a very high risk person during the plague times broke my brain (which was already a cesspool of medical trauma, self-conscious anxiety, the sads, and no-longer-medicated adhd), and it's deeply annoying that doing things that make me feel short-term awful makes me feel long-term better.

i'd like to keep doing wip wednesday, but multifandom. i would like to actually finish fic and post it. i would like to do exchanges. i would like to review things. i would like to participate in and contribute to fandom at least to the level i used to. which was pretty minimal in the grand scheme, but it was something.

*if we are friendly here and you would like to be friendly on other hellsites, i think i'm at a point where that's okay. dm me or whatever. i do private life stuff on tafkat (very open about my severe medical problems, so content warning) music/tv/movies/food babbling on bluesky, and mostly use ig to keep up with friends and family, but haven't posted anything myself in years. unfollow amnesty for everything always. we can still be friends, even if you don't want to know my every opinion on trap-infused pop country or whenever i end up almost dead in the hospital for the millionth time.