#sometimes the unpopular voice might be saying something true; and just; and important; that people just didn't like or want to hear

[medicinemane]

All I'm saying is any rule, any law, any social convention, anything where there's some kind of reprisal for transgressing against it... just make damn sure you're careful with it lest it be used against you

Every freedom you give up in the name of making a better world, really double check it's worth it and narrowly defined

I mean some freedoms are worth giving up, for instance I don't have the freedom to kill people who annoy me, and I shouldn't have that freedom. I lose very little while gaining a great deal both personally and for society as a whole, and there are a lot of places like this where it's 100% worth it to ban something outright

Similarly, there absolutely are reasons to socially shun people, like you don't have to put up with every last thing just to be nice. Influencers who do stuff like harass people to drum up attention or record and post every second of their kid's lives, I don't think we should be engaging with people like that unless it's to keep an eye on them, I think they do a ton of harm

All I'm saying though, is shit like the Patriot Act drummed up support because it was going to protect people, keep people safe... and look what actually happened, look how it's used. It's state surveillance against the people it claimed to protect and that's about it

I'm not gonna tell you which things are wrong to shit on people for, or which policies you should oppose. I don't want you to just mimic what I believe, even if I thought anyone was gonna

I just want you to look at stuff, and think about it, and really decide if that thing you want gone is harmful in a concrete enough way that if you do something to try to remove it, it will only remove that instead of spilling over in to stuff you didn't want it to

I just want you to check in your head if anything you're cracking down on either legally or through social pressure might lead you to losing something you care about down the road if bad actors skew how to interpret things

I'm not saying that's how it's gonna go, I'm just saying think first

[magicofthepen]

For the character thingy, romana and leela?? ❤

ROMANA - I’m going to answer for Romana I, since I already did Romana II!

favorite thing about them: so I fell in love with Romana I instantly when I watched The Ribos Operation. I was like “wait no one told me that Romana’s basically a recent graduate who always thrived in school but has now suddenly been thrust into the Real World and is a bit of a mess” and oh my god why is she so relatable, also I love that about her. I love that she doesn’t quite know what she’s doing, and her academic brilliance doesn’t necessarily help in the situations she’s finding herself in, but she keeps trying and learning, so by the end of season 16 she’s much more confident and capable on her own than she was when she started. I just absolutely adore the premise of her character and how she develops during the key to time quest. also her banter skills are so excellent. (….this wasn’t one thing whoops. 😄)

least favorite thing about them: I feel like it’s something about how she’s portrayed in the Gallifrey audios, but I can’t quite articulate what? but I feel like somehow, some of the things I really liked about her on TV (her witty fun banter, her determination even when she’s out of her depth) aren’t represented as much when we get glimpses of Actual Romana I (not Pandora or an alternate universe version). idk if this is even fully true, it’s just….she doesn’t quite have the same vibe as the character I remember from the TV show (but this is also tricky because the Lies scene, the Matrix projection in Lies (which *isn’t* really her technically) and the remains of her consciousness in the body that Pandora’s using are the only times we get Actual Romana I - which isn’t that much time to express all the nuances of her character.)

(continuing to skip the favorite line question because it’s too hard)

brOTP: her and the Doctor!! (like I said in the Romana II ask, I used to ship them more, but lately I’ve been more into a platonic interpretation.) I just as instantly fell for their dynamic in the Ribos Operation - two people with very different personalities who don’t get along but are forced to work together and gradually become friends?? this is exactly the kind of relationship arc that I adore. Their banter and snark is So Good (I was so entertained by their interactions in Ribos Operation that my brain refused to pay attention to anything but their scenes, and I ended up having issues following the plot later oops). And I love their growing respect and care for each other - how they go from being mutually dismissive of each other to valuing each other and being a solid Team and just really genuinely liking each other! their friendship is just Very Good (…..and now I really want to rewatch season 16….I’ve only seen it like one and a half times but I loved it very much….)

OTP: I don’t think I have any ships with Romana I that I would consider an ‘otp’? (the closest would be her and the Doctor since I have sometimes shipped them and I adore their relationship in general)

nOTP: Brax/Romana again….and tbh with Romana I it’s more of an actual nOTP (rather than ‘kinda nOTP, kinda ‘it’s complicated’’) because this is the time frame when she’s actually his student and so my discomfort with student/teacher relationships really rears its head (although there’s still one fic out there that I just think is so well-written.....but it does show the relationship as very unhealthy). 

random headcanon: .....so sorry to continue Sartia posting, but oops the first thing that popped into my head is my new maybe-unrealistic headcanon that Sartia was Romana’s first kiss. in a teenage “I’m curious and want to try this thing and you’re the only person I hang out with, but it doesn’t mean anything....or does it??” way. (.....this is so self-indulgent in such a terrible way rip.)

unpopular opinion: Armageddon Factor is my favorite Key to Time story! (I gather this is an unpopular opinion in Doctor Who Fandom At Large, it doesn’t seem to be liked as much as some of the earlier stories in the season.) technically I’ve only seen it once and it was a couple years ago, but I remember loving it as a Romana story, there were a lot of really interesting character bits for her!

song i associate with them: hmm I don’t really have one? my Romana playlist is specifically for Romana II in Big Finish so....yeah.

favorite picture of them: anything with her Ribos Operation outfit (with the full cloak), it’s iconic and beautiful! on a similar note, I love this Romana I art by @volucris-liga, it’s the first Romana fanart I ever reblogged and it’s so pretty!

more under the cut!

LEELA

favorite thing about them: her resilience and her kindness. Leela goes through so much grief and pain, she has her world upended again and again, she never really finds a place where she belongs. and yet she still keeps choosing to love, choosing to keep fighting for what she believes in, choosing to rebuild again and again. and sometimes it’s really hard and she doesn’t want to go on….but she does, and she finds moments of happiness again. and that strength is really powerful. and no matter how cruel the universe (and other people) are to her, she is still relentlessly kind - she listens, she protects, she wants to help, she cares. 

least favorite thing about them: I mean, the “savage” stereotype that her character references is a racist/anti-indigenous trope (especially the whole dynamic of the Doctor trying to “civilize” her ugh). and I hate that characters keep calling her “savage” (even when they’re the Bad Guys, it’s still bringing up this trope again and again, and it’s even worse when it’s the Good Guys). why are they still doing this.

brOTP: see all characters listed under otp, every relationship that I ship is also an incredibly important friendship in Leela’s life and I love all of them <33 as far as relationships that I see as entirely non-romantic….I really love the version of Leela and Ace’s relationship that exists in my head (and in fandom) - they didn’t get to interact enough in the audios, but I absolutely think they were really close, because of their shared experiences and the ways their personalities mesh. (I feel like I should also say the Doctor here, but tbh I don’t remember her TV stories that well, so I don’t really have a solid memory of what their relationship was like.) and of course, Leela’s parental relationship with Rayo is very important to me!

OTP: once again, ot3 my beloved <33 and Leela/Romana first and foremost (I already rambled about them here, so I’m just going to second everything I said earlier). 

and I also ship Leela/Narvin, although I’m not quite as invested in that pairing? (due to a combination of ‘Romana is my favorite character and so I’m just more interested in her relationships with other characters,’ ‘I joined the fandom when things were pretty much all Leela/Narvin all the time (I say with great respect and affection for the artists and writers putting out amazing content for that ship) so I was motivated to write fic primarily for R/L and N/R to balance out the ot3 content,’ ‘apparently I have a contrary streak with Gallifrey and the more the writers push a romantic interpretation of a relationship, the less interested I am in actually shipping it,’ and ‘I’m not really into Leela/Narvin as a pairing on its own - although I do love a lot of fic that portrays them that way bc it’s just very well-written.’) But just. how they form a grudging alliance for Romana’s sake and then develop genuine respect for each other and then build this really solid foundation of teamwork and fondness and care and really relax and feel comfortable around each other….the way they become ride-or-die for each other and just trust and love each other so much….it’s Very Good!! (And I did love writing scenes with the two of them in Call It Home - I might not focus on them, but I do genuinely love their relationship.) 

And of course Leela/Veega <33….I debated if they even interacted enough in the actual audios for me to consider it an otp, but I love the idea of their relationship and the story of them in my head so much?? going to link to this post because it really captures my feelings about them - they’ve both been through so much grief and pain by the time they meet, they’ve both lost people they love before, so the idea of them choosing to love each other and build something together against the odds is just. very powerful. plus I have a whole playlist for the family they’ve built together, which is a strong indication that I really love this ship. 😊

nOTP: Leela/Andred. last time I answered an ask meme about Leela, I had this complicated response about how I hated Leela/Andred when I watched Invasion of Time (bc it’s so abrupt and arbitrary), and then Louise Jameson’s voice acting Convinced Me To Care because oh she really did love him....alas i am a Leela/Andred detractor at heart, and I have been nudged back to my default state by re-listening….I simply hate how he treats Leela in Gallifrey.

random headcanon: I really like the idea of Leela being more politically involved in her own right after they all return from the Axis. She’s just spent a lot of time leading a group of people who don’t have a voice in the government, fighting for their rights against the established injustices of Gallifreyan society. I don’t think she’d easily slip back into only being Romana’s bodyguard after experiencing more political autonomy on the other Gallifrey. What exactly this looks like in practice I’m not sure about - in my one fic ‘verse, I wrote about her being more directly involved with the Academy as a political liaison and guest tutor, and also advocating to Romana for policies that would benefit those who live outside the city on their home Gallifrey. but there’s probably a lot of options to explore here!

unpopular opinion: hmm I don’t think this is necessarily unpopular but idk and I want to talk about it: even though Leela identifies so strongly as a warrior, a “happy ending” for her would, I think, need to involve getting away from fighting. too often she throws herself into a fight to try to avoid thinking about how much she’s hurting, and it doesn’t work, it doesn’t stop the pain. and in the Time War, she’s tied her identity so strongly to war (it’s inevitable, inescapable, and she will Fight and Defend because that’s all she has left). there’s a difference between “I am a warrior” and “all I am is a warrior,” and Leela’s slid too far into the second one, and she needs to untangle her own identity from war to heal. 

song i associate with them: Freedom by Karmina (it’s a song about going on defiantly in the face of heartbreak -  “Tearing my room apart, I’m starting over” / “Take my pride I can still survive I’ve got my freedom” / “Hunt me down you’ll never find me now that I’ve got my freedom”)

favorite picture of them: the first one that came to mind is this gorgeous art by @laurelhach (which I didn’t realize was based on a picture until I stumbled across the original picture and was like oh my god!! it looks exactly like the art!!)

[szivtalan]

character ask: kagami, momoi, alex and himuro 👀👀👀

!!! omg thank u Ceru! u might be one of my favorite mutuals <33 (putting this under a read more just so I can speak at lengths about each individual character)

Why I like Kagami: this is where I sarcastically ask “why DON’T i like him” but that’s literally the next question so; he’s everything i want to be and more. He has the determination and the willpower to make his own dreams come true, he’s gay as shit, he’s tall and buff and well-adjusted, mature enough to live on his own at an annoyingly young age, he’s funny and dumb and a total himbo as well as an excellent advisor bc of how grounded he is.

Why I don’t: I’m... not really good with explosive people. Violent men with loud voices especially scare me, and I’d think I’d flinch around him a lot and that would make me rlly anxious.

Favorite episode: it’s a toss-up between the Seirin fam visiting his place for the first time (is it where Kuroko confesses his love to him and then passes out in his arms? idk), and the onsen episode. I also loved all his plays against Kise and Aomine. AND the training camp w him running a lot in the sand.

Favorite season/movie: season 2 probably because he’s not a jerk anymore, but he’s still on his way to shed off any asshole behavior stuck to him. And I actually liked Last Game?

Favorite line: “There’s no such thing as useless effort.” and “This is our drama and we write the plot.” because he’s so ridiculous.

Favorite outfit: all of his casual fits... comfy but manly is my Jam

OTP: AoKaga....they’re truly soulmates, star-crossed lovers, canonically brought together by fate.

Brotp/otp no. 2: KagaKuro, I love them

Head Canon: I have several collections because I think too much about this boy, but here’s something I think about his family: he doesn’t know what happened to his mom. He never asked, because it wasn’t relevant, and he didn’t want to inconvenience his dad by questioning him. Occasionally, as a kid he felt like he was missing out on something (seeing other kids with their moms, feeling like they’re being treated with much more gentle care because they have moms), but as he grew older he realized that nurturing behavior shouldn’t have been limited to only a mother, and that he was just straight up neglected without any regards to missing a parent in his life.

Unpopular opinion: I never realized this was an unpopular opinion but I’m glad he went back to America at the end of Last Game. Obviously, it’s sad that he had to separate from the others, but I felt like Japanese basketball has always been just a stepping point to him, and now that he’d beat the best of them, it was time to move on. And it also warms my heart that him getting scouted in the US gave Aomine hope to aim big, too. I felt like both of them would’ve felt trapped in Japan with their skill sets.

A wish: I want him to be happy and gay and to confront Himuro and tell him how hurt he was by how he treated him and probably do the same to his dad too

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: ....whatever I’d say Shinsun has probably written it/will write it, but I don’t want him to forget about the GoM just because he becomes a world-famous athlete.

5 words to best describe them: sweet child with anger issues

My nickname for them: not mine (it’s Sypha’s) but “Kags”, Kagami, Tigerboy, Kagababe, Baby

Why I like Momoi: she is SO nurturing and sweet and she cares so much about her boys!! I’m sorry it always turns into “how they remind me of myself” but actually I get feeling like a background character and being the moral/emotional/physical support of those who are more talented or in any way better than you. I feel a strange kind of kinship with her and also,,, feminine girls make my heart stop, and it doesn’t get more feminine than Momoi. Added: Aomine aside, the Touou team wouldn’t worth shit without her skills tbh, and she’s not in any way less than the GoM. Also, I appreciate her being the one person to try to keep their friend group together.

Why I don’t: Analytical People Scare me like!! how do u know stuff people are Unknowable!! I usually am also irked by her pointing out Riko’s breast size but I can just pretend that’s in a gay way (maybe Momoi likes girls with small boobs and she’s just bad at flirting) (also I don’t exactly liked her calling Aomine a “ganguro” but I have too little knowledge on the use of this word to say exactly why)

Favorite episode (scene if movie): uh the one where Aomine made her cry? It really came through how much love she actually has for her friends at that one.

Favorite season/movie: she was great in all of them!!

Favorite line: I can’t remember the exact quote and Google isn’t really helpful either but the one where she made Kuroko promise they’ll always play together or something? Or that they’re gonna beat Aomine?? idk?

Favorite outfit: I like all of them but mostly I just appreciate her wearing so many hoodies, she looks so cute in them

OTP / Brotp: it’s both AoMomo. I feel like the have the most special and strongest bond in the entire series.

Head Canon: She’s never been shown to do, but I feel like she wears Aomine’s clothes a Lot. Also, they definitely have sleepovers To This Day.

Unpopular opinion: Momoi is good at basketball and she loves playing!!! But try being successful in it when ur opponents are Giants and Way More Buff than you are

A wish: I wish people appreciated her more!! Both in fandom and in canon. She’s an amazing person and she has her own skills and strengths that are rarely explored or even mentioned anywhere.

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: her falling out with her boys ;-; I do not want that

5 words to best describe them: strawberry sweetheart to steal ur heart

My nickname for them: Satsuki :> I feel like it’s a little too much to call characters on their first names sometimes but hers is so cute I can’t

Why I like Alex: yet again another woman with an extensive skill set. I love her persistence and again I appreciate getting disillusioned and finding your way back to the thing you love. Also it’s just sweet that she did that by teaching (again, something I can relate to)

Why I don’t: the whole “kissing children” thing rubbed me the wrong way but again, just like Momoi’s obsession with comparing breast sizes, it’s just bad/sexist writing from Fujimaki probably

Favorite episode (scene if movie): adshg any and all where she expressed that Himuro and Kagami are equally important to her <33 that shit makes my heart burst

Favorite season/movie: she only appears towards the end of s2 and in s3 so... I guess s3?

Favorite line: its so Bad that u literally can’t find the iconic quotes of these iconic ladies anywhere but... her story on finding her passion again through teaching kids, and anytime she mentions her fondness of Kagami and Himuro.

Favorite outfit: her iconic olive green coat with the short red shorts... wtf was that I loved it.

OTP: she doesn’t really interact with people her age but I’ve heard she’s shipped with Masako Araki and I’ve seen some seriously good fanarts and like... Yes Good I’d Love To See It

Brotp: I feel like her and Himuro would be that sassy pair that Kagami tries and fails to contain and they get into all sorts of weird, absurd situations asdjs what I’m trying to say is Kagami has to bail them out of jail from time to time

Head Canon: fck me if I’m wrong but she’s the lesbian single mom of the two gay kids she reluctantly adopted from the streets

Unpopular opinion: it’s more like another headcanon, but she can dunk and she taught Kagami how to do it.

A wish: I’d love her to coach the Seirin fam more!! Pls let her be part of her children’s lives (she could also judge streetball games between the goms it would be fun)

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: anything about her being romantically involved with her pupils makes me.................no

5 words to best describe them: Beautiful Beach Blonde Basketball....goddess

My nickname for them: Alex!! sometimes An Icon

Why I like Himuro: em dash Asdgsdj I’m joking, I’m becoming more and more fond of the boy. Once I realized that he shouldn’t have been the “bigger person” in that situation and one year doesn’t really mean much when you’re that young and that hurt, I realized he’s actually a good and hard-working kid and I’m sorry for giving him so much shade. Also I really like his snark and sass, but that might not even be canon at this point tbh

Why I don’t: I’m still sort of irked by him beating down on Kagami because he was envious/mad, but I realized the aspect of that situation that Really got to me was how devoted Kagami still was to him after all that. That devotion was what felt toxic, nothing that Himuro actually did to him.

Favorite episode (scene if movie): the time they met up w Kagami just to exchange a dramatic socially distancing bro fist and a few encouraging words.... gays be Like That

Favorite season/movie: I really didn’t mind s3 Himuro

Favorite line: apparently he’s said some iconic stuff that I don’t remember (and my sources don’t seem really legit) but I’m gonna say “let’s see you become number 1, bro” because again, that’s just so ridiculous and endearing. On one hand he really went from loathing Kagami to rooting for him and wanting him to reach his full potential and on the other, honey ur  like 17 stop speaking like That

Favorite outfit: his knitted V-neck sweaters and the black coat with the white fur.... boy’s got all the fashion sense that’s missing from Kagami

OTP: can I say.....AoHimu asdfh I ship 3/4 of these characters with Aomine what does that say about me

Brotp: KagaHimu. They can be sweet, but I’ve only ever seen Jake write them really well

Head Canon: I’ve been entertaining the idea of....trans Himuro.....

Unpopular opinion: everyone thinks that Kagami is the violent kid and Himuro is the chill, sweet child who’s somehow wound up with this mess of a fiery tiger, but it’s actually Himuro who taught Kagami how to fight and Kagami learned quite a lot of aggression from him

A wish: I feel like Himuro should’ve gotten a separate episode to explore his thoughts, feelings and past. He had so much potential as a character Is2g

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: him quitting basketball would fucking destroy me. I’d be devastated for others too, but it would really pull on my heartstrings if he just dropped the only thing he’s been so passionate about.

5 words to best describe them: gender-non-conforming emo child

My nickname for them: Himu, Tatsuya, Tatsu

[loudsuitlover]

Doctor Harry XXI. Si te vas

BLUE’S POV

The three of them were in my bed when I woke up. Marie and Ollie were under the duvet with me but Jason was on my other side like a kitten sleeping with their human. I don’t remember picking them both up but we must have had or maybe they came here on their own. Whatever the way, I couldn’t ask for better friends.

There’s no new messages in my phone so I text Coco to know her whereabouts and lie awake waiting for them to wake up. The fact that the three of them are here, like walls supporting the ceiling, makes it clear that what happened last night wasn’t a bad dream.

Harry was high. He was so high he couldn’t even talk to me. I remember the way he acted now and God, it was so clear I feel stupid for not realizing it sooner. His bloodshot eyes, his calmness, the way he got mad in a second and then back to the calm, the way he seemed to be disconnected to everything that was happening, how he seemed not to care at all.

I wonder what he thinks about me now. I wonder whether he cares at all. Somehow, I still don’t want him to think I’m being judgemental even though maybe I am. I’ve had this discussion plenty of times with plenty of Med students- about weed, yes or no, is it bad or is it less bad than they say?- For no one with biological knowledge dares to say it’s good. Fruit is good, walking is good- weed is not.

And yet it’s probably less harmful than it feels to me but it’s just… Last night I learnt he was the one driving and with that, the entire accident and the months that followed came back; and if that wasn’t enough he was high, just like Dylan was; and I wonder why Harry’s here and Dylan isn’t, why some people get another chance- and still smoke weed- and why some others just can’t live to change it.

I’ve never really believed in destiny. I don’t think our lives are written and we’re just players in a big board, thinking we’re free and taking decisions that were already going to happen anyway but sometimes, I do believe that there might just be this person, this person in the world that’s for you, the one who’s going to walk by your side for the rest of your life. I used to think that feeling of belonging with someone didn’t happen twice so I always thought I had it with Dylan and I will never have it with anyone else and somehow I liked that and I lived by that. But then I met Harry and for a second I thought I might have been wrong all this time and now the fact that his story could be superimposed to Dylan’s and it would connect... I feel like if this was a sci-fic movie and we have these parallel worlds and these alternative universes, Harry might as well be Dylan, in another body and with another face and another scent and that’s what I don’t want.

I loved Dylan. I loved him as much as a person can love another human being and I don’t think there’s ever been purer love but he also broke my heart to the point where I thought I was dying too. And he did because he changed and then because he died so I lost him twice all along and I just can’t go through that again.

“Morning, pixie.” Marie gives me a sleepy smile that I return. “How did you sleep?”

“Surprisingly good. I don’t remember getting here but I haven’t woken up until just now.”

“It makes sense that you were tired considering how drunk you were last night.” Jason’s voice is muffled against the duvet but I can still hear him.

I hit the back of his head with a pillow and he grunts.

“I don’t think you can call her out on that, pal.” Marie defends me.

“It wasn’t that bad.” Jason complains.

“Until you stood up on that table and take off your shirt and started yelling titties out, free the gay! you mean.” Ollie adds.

Marie and I laugh at the look Jason gives her. His eyes are widened, and his lips are set on a thin line. Before he can ask her whether that’s true, which I hope it is for the sake of humour, someone knocks on the door.

“Pasa.” I tell her. “But please be clothed. We have guests.”

Coco is grinning from ear to ear when she appears on the doorway.

“Oh, hi!” She chirps excitedly. “You guys slept like that?”

We all nod and she laughs. Olivia sits up and pushes Marie to do the same so my sister has a spot next to them. She’s wearing party clothes, which gives away that she didn’t spend the night home.

“So” Olivia wriggles her dark blond eyebrows “Guido Matteoti, hey?”

My sister smiles despite pursed lips and that’s all I need to know Chicco is history. Yes, Guido! I sit up too and Jason rests his cheek on his fist so Coco knows she has our undivided attention. Her cheeks tinge pink.

“He’s very sweet.” She starts. “I mean we’ve only been in a couple of dates but-”

“But you didn’t sleep home last night.” I raise my eyebrows and she shakes her head with a smile.

“And nothing happened.” She adds. “We just cuddled.”

The four of us look at her and from the corner of my eye I can see Marie melting while Olivia’s face seems like a puzzle missing a piece and Jason just blinks.

“He’s… I’ve never had this, you know? It’s like I tell him something mindlessly… Like something that isn’t really even important and he remembers it.” She smiles. “I mean last night he said something about Nana’s cameo and he had to tell me when I have told him about it because even me myself couldn’t remember.” She surprises. “And… He is interested in what I think and what I want and… I mean some guys have made me feel pretty, but he makes me feel interesting and that’s just so much better.”

“See?” Marie tilts her neck to give me a look and I smile. “It’s possible.”

“Do you like him though?” Olivia presses. “I mean him, as a person, not the way he makes you feel.”

Coco stares at her like a deer caught in headlights before she tilts her neck like a dog thinking. I’m taken aback too by Ollie’s deep understanding of the situation. She’s been so disassociated with the love department that it feels strange to have her understanding this so deeply.

“Yes, I do.” Coco blushes. “He’s smart and funny and caring and kind. And so handsome.” Her eyes open wide and Olivia laughs.

“Can we see him?”

“Yeah, show us the regulation photo, girl.” Jason adds.

My sister chuckles before she gets on her phone and shows us his Instagram. I have seen him before so I let my friends be as nosy as they want. Coco’s eyes meet mine and she frowns concerned.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

And like that I’m crying again. My sister jumps over my friends and takes a seat next to me, wrapping her small arms around my body and reminding me of home. Marie tells her what happened and Ollie and Jason curse under their breath. They did that last night too, I remember now.

“I’m good, I’m good.” I wipe my tears and sit back straight. “I’ll get over it.”

Coco sighs next to me and Jason gives me a smile.

“Unpopular opinion” Olivia says “I think we’re being too hard on him.”

Us three give her a death glare and she raises her hands on the air proving her innocence.

“Let’s go get started with breakfast, Ollie.” Coco says before war starts on my mattress.

“Yes, I need to tell you some things too.”

“Me too.” Jason smiles. “Spoiler alert: David is a dick.”

“Tell me something I don’t know…”

The three of them walk outside the room and we hear the beginning of the conversation with Jack’s name being thrown around among very colourful insults.

“What are you doing for Christmas?” I ask Marie.

“I’m visiting my mum.” She shrugs. “And her new boyfriend.”

“Nice.” I chuckle.

“You?”

“I think I’m gonna go spend some days with my dad. I need to get away from here.”

“And your mum?”

“Mum’ll go to Spain, I guess. It’s been a while since I don’t visit Dad.” I feel Marie nodding next to me. “I’m gonna hop on the shower.”

“Okay.”

“You can shower in Coco’s bathroom if you’d like.”

“Do I stink or what?” Marie laughs.

I give her a silent smile and make my way inside my bathroom. I don’t have much time because Coco, Ollie and Jason are not precisely the best chefs so I’m sure by getting started with breakfast they mean adding milk to cereal.

I let the hot water run down my body relaxing every muscle I hadn’t realized was tensed. Thinking about going back home is never been as easy as it is now. It’s always painful to go back to Capitol because it screams Dylan all over the place but it’s been a while since I don’t see Dad or Rio and I’m in the mood for a family Christmas.

When I make my way towards the kitchen, I hear them all talking about Harry and me but it doesn’t bother me because it doesn’t surprise me. I know they’re on my side anyway, even Ollie.

I announce my plans to everyone during brekafast and Coco and Jason decide to tag along  to Capitol for Christmas too. Coco was the expected guest but I’m glad Jason wants to join too. It’ll be good to have a friend around when I start missing Dylan like the first day after his accident. Jason says he needs a change of scene and to stay away from David and I’d rather have him with me than getting back together with the devil.

We pack our stuff after breakfast and plan a videocall all together in a few days before Marie and Ollie leave to pack their own things. Olivia’s going to France to meet up with her family too but she seems to be very invested in my relationship with Harry or my lack of it.

Coco drives to Capitol, all the way without stopping once, and I feel safe when she’s behind the wheel. I’ve never understood how men can say women are bad drivers when women seem to be better at everything. Okay, that’s sexist too, but the fact that we’re asked to do double to earn the same amount explains why that could be true.

It's the first time Jason comes to Capitol despite our four years of friendship. When Dylan was alive, it was usually him go would come visit and during holidays J was usually with his family so I would go to Capitol alone. I hope the idea he has of me doesn’t change when he sees my house. I guess it won’t, because I know his parents have an equally big mansion but still…

The dark grey fence opens for my sister’s car after she sets the code and my sister’s Mercedes drives inside our sumptuous property. She drives around the fountain at the entrance and the set of pine trees on both sides of our private road brings back memories of my childhood underneath them.

The house looks more like a palace than I even remembered. I don’t quite know how many hectares of land my father owns but I know the entire house have glass walls looking at the back because there was no need to hide from nothing at all; there’s just a pine forest and snowy mountains behind it. I reckon if Jason was still a kid, I could tell him my dad’s a vampire and he’d probably believe it.

Dad’s waiting at the door with a big smile and his thick winter coat when we get off the car. My sister runs to hug him as Jason and I get the bags out of the boot. Then it’s my turn. My dad wraps his warm, big arms around me and presses my body against his bigger one.

“Oh, my lovely girls! How’s my favourite doctor?”

“Hi, dad, it’s nice to see you.”

“It’s very nice to see you too, Blueberry. I made soup and lamb for dinner.” He smiles.

“Thank you.”

“And garlic bread?” Coco asks. “Can we make garlic bread?”

“Already in the oven.” My dad winks at her and like that my sister is back to being. “Hello, Jason.” My dad shakes his hand. “I’m glad you could join us this year.”

“Thank you for having me, Peter.”

“No need to thank us. It’s our pleasure. Well, why don’t you show Jason around, Berry? Coco and I will get the mulled wine ready.”

“Yes! Mulled wine! This is paradise, dad. Where’s Rio?”

“He’s at the gym.” My dad explains. “Says he needs to make room for the lamb.”

The three of us laugh before my dad and Coco disappear down the hall towards the kitchen and Coco’s cheerful voice gets lower and lower until we can barely hear her. I show Jason around the entire house, the halls, the living room, the dining room, my dad’s studio... 

We climb the stairs. I get ready to open the door to my old room. I take a deep breath and keep telling him some stories about the house, like about that time Coco fell down the stairs when she was about six and everyone was so worried and then she just yelled I’m okay! from the bottom. 

Entering my room, I set my eyes on my empty desk. It looks like the room of someone who’s not there anymore and in a way I guess that’s what it is. This is the room of the girl I used to be but there’s little of her now. 

I remember it used to be a mess. I have lots of books and even now they’re all organized in the shelves like a library now, they used to be all over the room and all my records, now also carefully placed on the shelf, used to be all around too. It gives me chills to see the room like this but I guess it would be harder if it still looked just like it used to. I would notice Dylan’s absence more. 

“Berry, eh?” Jason teases. 

I roll my eyes. My dad always calls me with the most ridiculous nicknames ever. I’m going to defend myself but my breath catches on my throat when I see the bed. I remember every night I spent there with him and I know it would never come back. I storm out of the room. 

Jason’s quiet for the biggest part of the rest of the tour until he leaves his bags on his bed in the guest room. My mum decorated this room with warm colours because she says they help make the guest feel cosy and at home. I guess it depends on the guest for someone whose house was cold colour themed would hardly feel at home in a terra coloured room but if Mum says that’s the way it is, then that must be the way it is. She’s the painter after all. 

“I just have a question” he says “why did you never tell us you’re the princess of Genovia?”

I laugh and sit down on the cushion bench on the feet of his bed.

“I mean, this is the guest room and it’s bigger than the girls’ apartment in Grad.”

“It’s not.” I shake my head. “The living room might be.” I joke and he laughs. “I usually sleep here when I come home though. I was in my room when Dylan had the accident and sometimes it just gets suffocating in there.” I explain.

Jason stays quiet and I enjoy his silence for sometimes there’s little one can say.

We were on the phone. We were fighting. He had come visit me that weekend and it had been the best weekend we had had in months. The last part of our relationship was as messy as it could get; we would fight all the time. I would fight him about the weed and about how he was... Losing himself all the time. And he would tell me I had changed a lot and that everything in my life was perfect except from him and he would invite me to just break up with him and have a doctor boyfriend if I was so disappointed on him. I heard the crash. And then he died.   

“You can come sleep here if that happens.” Jason smiles. “Or we can swap rooms.”

I shake my head. I want to at least try. It’s been almost four years now and as tough as that memory is, I also have memories I treasured with my life. I remember Mum signing to me when I was little, Dad telling stories to Coco and me, Coco climbing in my bed when she was little and had nightmares. And I remember Dylan, I remember him trying to teach me how to play the guitar, me teaching him to braid my hair and I remember kissing him and him telling me he loved me. 

“Have you talked to David?” I need to stop thinking about that. 

“After breaking up with him, you mean?”

I nod and he shakes his head.

“I blocked his number and blocked him on every social media. Also deleted the apps at the risk of him creating a fake profile so as to be able to talk to me. I know it’s crazy but-”

“So is he.” I interrupt him, probably finishing his sentence and he chuckles.

“That’s right.”

I snort a chuckle and look down at my hands over the cushion. I’m sure this week I’m going to be out of it a lot of the times but I think Jason needs some time to himself too so it’s good our two sad asses are here together.

“You okay?”

“Yes.” I nod.

“Have you talked to him?”

My heart stops. For a second, I think he’s talking about someone who’s dead but then I shake my head. I did tell Harry not to contact me again and as strange as it seems knowing him, he might be respecting that. I don’t know if I really want him to though but I know it’s what’s best.

“Should we go downstairs have some of that mulled wine?”

“Yes, please.”

Dad and Coco are sitting in front of the chimney with a glass of mulled wine each when we join them. She’s telling him about Guido now. I feel bad for mum but she can’t keep a secret to save her life so it makes sense she wouldn’t tell her yet.

“Hi, guys.” My dad greets. “Do you like your room, Jason? Are you comfortable?”

“Yes, sir, thank you. It’s incredible.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Please, take a seat and help yourself with some wine.”

“Thank you.”

“So how are you, Dad?” I ask. 

“Can’t complain.” He smiles. “Rio’s doing great at the bank and we’re happy and my daughters are home for Christmas. Couldn’t ask for anything else.”

I smile at the sweet man who raised me.

“How are you, Berry?”

“I’m…” Should I tell him? “I’m good.”

He smiles but I know it’s his way of silently saying we both know that’s not true so I smile back and it’s my silent way of letting him know I don’t particularly want to talk about it.

“Have you seen the Meyers?”

My dad’s light hazel eyes set on mine. I know he’s taken aback by my serenity. I think I want to have a cup of tea with Dylan’s parents but it’d be great to have some background before I contact them.

“They passed by the bank in the morning, wished Merry Christmas like usual. Amalia cut her hair. It looks good on her.”

“I think I’m gonna text them. See if they’d like to have a cup of tea.”

“I think they’d love to.” He smiles. “I’m proud of you, Blue.”

I nod and give him a little smile and we all hear the door opening and my brother’s feet shuffling inside the hall. He drops his gym bag on the floor and Jason gets more excited than any of us. He’s got Rio’s fever.

“It smells like women in here.” Rio jokes.

“It smells like mulled wine, dofus.” Coco explains and he grins.

“Long time no see, Coconut.”

“She’s been busy with her boyfriend.”

“DAD!” She panics. “That’s exactly what I meant!”

My dad just laughs and then Rio’s interrogation begins. He asks for pictures, age, family name, degree and every little thing in between and Coco answers but cries for help at least five times.

I help my dad set the table while he finishes up with dinner and then the five of us sit around the table and enjoy dinner among shared stories of Rio’s adventure on the bank and the rumours he’s heard. Harry would like this nosy conversation too. But why am I thinking about him? He’s a junkie and a liar.

My dad tells us a messy love story between two of his associates and Rio adds the juicy comments every now and then. Coco and Jason are really invested but I know my dad is just filling in the conversation so I don’t have to participate. Much like me, he’s never been interested in other people’s business. As a matter of fact, he’s been in charge of the Anderson Bank for over thirty years and has never had trouble with any employee. He only learnt about relationships when he got invited to his employees’ weddings.

I look up to my father. He’s had everything handed to him on a silver platter but he’s able to admit it. He knows half the things he has, he doesn’t even deserve. For years I thought the right thing to do was getting rid of all of that but growing up I learnt, it’s a lot more useful to be a part of the system and make a change from within. 

Harry: Where are you?

I turn my phone upside down and look at my dad, pretending to listen. We usually disagree on pretty much everything but he still talks to me about politics and economy and all that and I like the way he disagrees with me. He gets frustrated because he treats me like an equal.

Where are you? 

My dad used to say I could do anything I wanted. He told my entire family I’d make a great cook when I was about sixteen just because I had taken upon creative cuisine and cupcakes with fondant and heart shapes. 

What does he care where I am? 

And then when I was seventeen, I started playing volleyball and he told everyone I’d be the national champion.

Why does he think it’s okay to text me at dinner time and ask my whereabouts?

And then… Then… Ugh, I can’t get the text out of my head.

“Blue, is everything alright?”

I look up at my brother’s concerned eyes and only then I realize I’ve been torturing the dead lamb on my plate. I clear my throat.

“Yes, I just have a virus or something on my phone.” I give him a tight smile.

“Alright.” He chuckles.

Jason types on his phone and gives me a look so I grab mine to see his text. There are messages from Harry.

Jason: What’s wrong?

Indie: Harry texted me.

Harry: Come on, Blue, it’s me.

Harry: Open the door.

“Who wants dessert?”

“Let it be chocolate coulant, let it be chocolate coulant.” Coco prays with closed eyes.

My dad laughs and makes his way to the kitchen with as many plates as he could get and Jason follows suit helping pick up stuff from the table. Rio hisses for me to look at him.

“Is the virus that guy you were seeing?”

“How do you even know about that?” I narrow my eyes at him threateningly so he would confess nothing but the truth.

“Mum and I talk, you know.” He shrugs.

I roll my eyes but his hand rests atop of mine on the table.

“If you want his legs broken, just say the word.”

“Rio!” I chuckle and he smiles.

“I’m just saying.”

         After dinner, Jason and I sit on the balcony despite the cold. We brought a little mulled wine and got blankets from the wardrobe before we sat down on my favourite part of the house. I have two armchairs and a small table in between on my balcony and the view is magnificent. You can see the mountains behind a huge, now snow-covered, forest of pines.

“Did you text him back?”

I shake my head.

“And do you want to?”

“It doesn’t matter what I want to.” I sigh.

“I think it does.”

I tilt my neck to give him a warning glare.

“Olivia and I have talked.”

“About me?” I frown. “And why do you think I care about that?”

“I agree with her.” He confesses.

I have a long sip of my wine to busy my tongue and not curse at him.

“For all we know, it must have been the first time he smoked weed. I mean, think about it, he was really affected wasn’t he? And he told you several times he didn’t want to talk in that moment. He didn’t want to discuss it with you while he was high, Indie. I think that means he cares.”

“I think that means he was that high he couldn’t even think properly.”

“And yet he was lucid enough to know that was not how he wanted to be when he talked to you about that.”

“Why are you defending him?”

“I’m not defending him. I just think you’re overreacting, which is normal, I mean. We all know why you took it like that but he doesn’t, does he?”

I sigh and look ahead at the mountain.

“I mean… You’re getting mad at him because he didn’t tell you about that but there’s a lot of things you didn’t tell him about, either. Can you get mad at someone for keeping secrets from you while keeping secrets yourself?”

“I don’t do drugs, Jason. It’s not the same.”

Jason sighs.

“Before it happened, you were… Happy. I haven’t seen you that happy since Dylan passed” he whispers that part, afraid to bring upon us the weight of those words “and it’s all on Harry.” He shrugs. “So I think he deserves to at least be listened to. I mean you don’t even know why he was high.”

“Because he smoked weed, Jason, there’s just one explanation.”

“I mean why he smoked.” He chuckles. “Haven’t you thought about that?”

No, I haven’t.

“It was a family reunion, J. You weren’t there but it was cousins and aunts and his mum for the love of God. Who gets high with his family there? It was his older sister’s birthday.”

“That’s right. The same sister who was on the car the night he crushed it. Now, I don’t know why he crushed the car or how the accident was but neither do you and don’t you think it must be hard? Whatever the reason was, to be at your sister’s birthday, someone who’s on a wheelchair somehow because of you?”

My anger drops a knot. Or two.

“You said he doesn’t drink, right?”

I nod.

“And he… He has trouble sleeping.” I add.

He’s tortured about his sister’s accident and now I understand it a lot more. He lied to me that one time too, when he explained to me why he felt so terrible about it. He doesn’t feel guilty because he didn’t help during her recovery. He feels guilty because he thinks it’s his fault and for all I know it might be.

“He should have told me sooner.”

“That’s true.” Jason agrees. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t be mad. You have every right to be. Just… Don’t pretend like you don’t care about him.”

I feel my bottom lip quivering, but this is just Jason. It’s okay to cry in front of Jason.

“I… I don’t want to do it again, J; to think I can fix him because I can’t. I’ve been there before and I don’t want that again. He…”

Warm arms wrap around me so I rest my head on his shoulder.

“He’s not Dylan, Indie. He wasn’t driving that night.”

             I think I fell asleep after that because I wake up on Jason’s bed and see him peacefully sleeping beside me. I’m happy he’s here and I’m happy he’s finally free from fucking David Dick. He didn’t deserve the way he treated him, no one does. I have five missed calls and new texts from Harry. He really isn’t given up, is he? 

Harry: I know you’re with your dad. I’m glad you’re okay and with your family.  

Harry: I’m truly sorry, Indie.

I don’t like it that he calls me Indie. It feels like we’ve gone backwards but then again I guess we have. I don’t answer him because I still need to think. I’m not sure what I want even and I know if I see him or even hear his voice he’ll get in my head and I’ll say yes to anything he has to say because that’s how much of a fool I am.

I think I’ll go to the lake today, show Jason our rope and where we go in the summer. I get up from the bed carefully so as not to wake the Sleeping Beauty and make my way downstairs. Dad’s having a cup of coffee reading his newspaper in the kitchen and the image is so familiar I feel like nothing has ever happened. I wrap my arms around his chest from behind and know he’s smiling.

“Morning, Blue.”

“Morning, Dad. How did you sleep?”

He looks me in the eyes. I frown and suddenly feel the air falling on top of our shoulders. It’s like without saying a word, he set the mood for something terrible. I rest my hand on his shoulder.

“What is it, Dad?”

“I don’t want to scare you” and that’s how you scare someone “but… I’ve been feeling a little weird these past few weeks. I’ve been more tired than usual, more… Anxious, I guess I’d say and my chest started hurting just after walking to the bank every day so I went to the doctor and they did this bunch of tests, you know and it was all good except from an X-ray from my chest.”

“What is it?”

“They found a nodule next to my heart.” He swallows. “Now they don’t know yet whether it is on the lungs or the heart or the aorta or even the thyroid so they have to do some more tests but… They said it could be a tumour, Berry.”

His words are a direct punch in the guts but I know what he needs right now is not me crumbling so I do what I can to give him a smile.

“Well, it could just be. There’s a hundred other things that could be and even if it was a tumour, it might be a benign one and even if it was bad, the diagnose might be in time to fix it if they didn’t treat it like something urgent.”

“Thank you.” My dad smiles. “I know how hard it is for you not to say what your doctor’s mind is thinking.”

“This is my doctor’s mind speaking actually.” I tell him. “My daughter’s mind is running wild but doctor Anderson is calming Blue down.”

He smiles again and gets up from his chair and starts making French toasts for everyone. He shows me the x-ray and I pretend I don’t get scared shitless when I see it. The lump is as big as a peach and is right next to his heart. Now I don’t know what that is but it can’t be good.

Harry: Indie, I’m trying to give you space but I suck at this and I think the more space I give you, the harder it’s gonna be for you to listen to me.

Harry: I miss you.

Harry: And I’m very sorry.

“Who’s that?” My dad smirks. “Is that your boyfriend?”

How can he even care about it after what he just told me? His nosiness surprises me so I just stare at him as if the devil had possesed him. 

“Yeah, Blue, is that your boyfriend?” Jason smirks too.

I give him a death glare.

“Good morning, Jason.” My dad tells him.

“Good morning, Peter. So, what is it? Is he your boyfriend?”

“Don’t make dumb questions, Jason.”

“There are no dumb questions, honey.” My dad teases.

“Just dumb people, I guess.”

Jason just laughs and starts setting the table for breakfast as if he has been here before.

“Are you mad at a boy, honey?” My dad presses.

“If it was just at the boy, Peter, it wouldn’t be so bad.” I death glare at Jason again but it seems like he wants war today. “She’s mad at the world. She always is.”

“What was that?” I frown.

“Nothing.” Jason shrugs and gets the empty plates on the table. “I just want you to talk to him, I’m sure you’ll feel better.”

“So there is a he! I knew it.”

“Dad, stop.”

My phone screen illuminates and both Jason and I see Harry’s name. I defy him with my glare but he shakes his head. He’s not Ollie. Olivia would have picked up.

“He doesn’t give up.” My dad adds.

I can’t believe him. I grab my phone keen to set an end to this.

Indie: I’m with my family. I’ll talk to you if I want to.

Harry: Please want to.

Harry: Thank you for answering.

Oh, no, he’s going to act all kind and innocent now. I hate it. He’s not like this. He’s smug and irritating, he isn’t sweet and delicate.

After breakfast, Jason agrees to go for a run with Rio. I almost go along because Jason never runs, he just said he did to impress Rio, so I bet that has to be funny but I have something else in mind. 

Coco and Dad stay home to set the Christmas tree and I go to the lake with an old copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and my laptop. I re-read the book I’ve read at least five times and promise to myself I won’t google my dad’s x-ray, I know that’s probably the silliest thing to do but...  I send an email to professor Gibbins. I trust him and would like to know what he thinks. A second opinion is a thing. 

He sends me his phone number and tells me to call him and that scares me to death.

“Hello, Indigo.”

“Hi, doctor Gibbins.”

“Call me Danny, dude.” He laughs.

I swallow but appreciate the easing. I wonder if he’s using one of the techniques we learn in Comunication with me but don’t waste more time before I tell him what my dad told me in the morning. He sighs.

“Well, I’m seeing the radiography as we speak and I mean it could be anything.”

“Yeah but it doesn’t look good, does it?”

“He needs a surgery.”

Harry’s voice freezes my blood. I wasn’t expecting to hear his accent so soon, much less to say that. 

“Am I on speaker mode?”

“Mmm… Yes, I’m sorry. I’m at work and Harry was here. I thought two doctors were better than one.”

He’s probably right. Plus, Harry is the smartest person I know and I’m actually glad he asked him because as mad as I am at him I would love to know his opinion on this. He’s brilliant. I have no doubt of that. 

“Does he have high blood pressure, Indie?” Harry asks me.

“Yes.” I frown. 

“And did he feel a pain in the chest recently?”

“Yes!” 

There he is playing his magic. 

“I think it’s an aortic dissection. Look at it, it’s an A type.”

That last part wasn’t for me but for Danny. Why is he so smart? Why does everything he says seem so interesting and impossibly right to me? And why does he always make me feel safer and better? Why can’t he be normal, just like any other guy? And why did he have to ruin everything like that?

“If you need anything else, I can help you too.” Harry says very softly, as if he was afraid I was going to hang up.

“I know, and still I called Danny, didn’t I?” I sigh. “What do you think, Danny?”

“I think he’s right.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

I hang up without saying goodbye and hold my tears in before opening my book again. 

"First of all," he said, "if you can learn a simple trick, Scout, you’ll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view ... until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."

[argentdandelion]

Grace Monroe is a Liar (And Why That’s a Good Thing)

Note: this article does not sufficiently weigh Simon’s bad behaviors in Episode 11, “The New Apex”. This article has been kept unmodified for posterity.

Grace Analysis

“You know Sheena...you were right. Chloe shouldn't smile until her parents can afford to give her braces."

Grace is not simply a liar, however: she is also, to put it plainly, fake. She’s something of a social chameleon, but rather than drastically changing her presentation to fit in, she dons a fabricated, friendly and encouraging persona to make others “fit” her own desires. She even has variants of her persona for different audiences. She sounds like a friendly “cool kid” to 15-year-old Jesse, claiming he was a “natural” on his first raid although he only halfheartedly kicked a cube. She acts like an adoring parent to the younger Apex kids, squatting to the level of shorter Apex children, praising their offerings, and telling them she’ll keep the offerings someplace special. To Hazel (and Tuba) she acts like a kindergarten teacher at the first day of school, simultaneously making Hazel excited about The Apex and acting assuring to Tuba.

The most striking evidence for Grace’s lying social-chameleon-esque acts is how much her mannerisms and very voice change when addressing the Apex kids and Jesse compared to addressing Simon. In the first and second episode, she feels open to banter and bicker with Simon, such as exchanging unflattering nicknames or saying she doesn’t want his “ripeness” (body odor) giving away their position; she treats no one else as a friend like this.

Grace is not simply an insincere “queen bee” highschooler-type, either. As Uncivilized Elk has pointed out in “Cult Recruitment in "The Mall Car" – Infinity Train Analysis & Review” (warning; profanity), intentionally or not Grace’s tactics with Jesse show a step-by-step plan to indoctrinate Jesse into the Apex’s worldview. She praises Jesse and acts as if she cares about him, but is only manipulating him to a particular end. For example, when Jesse thinks the candy tastes bad, she convinces him to throw it to the wheels of the train, telling him he can “do what he wants”. However, this is almost certainly a precursor to making Jesse accept “wheeling” (killing by throwing them to the train’s wheels) denizens. Furthermore, in “The Jungle Car” she misdirects Hazel on who’s to blame for an unpopular decision, minimizes it (saying Simon was “confused”) and “resolves” the problem almost immediately: very suspicious abuser or cult-like behavior.

Initially, she engages in cognitive empathy (internal emulation of the emotional states of others) without really caring about others, to figure out how people work and so manipulate them. She has a utilitarian sort of approach, changing her persona to make others do what she wants and change them. To be fair, it’s possible not all of her kindness and empathy is faked. When Jesse took his exit, Simon calls him “weak”, but Grace says he wasn’t weak, but misled, and says: "We just lost another human, Simon. Show some respect.” Still, she’s certainly not sincere, overall. For example, despite teaching him he can “do what he wants”, when what Jesse wants goes against The Apex, Grace and Simon immediately try to stop him.

However, over time, Grace's temporary, utilitarian approach of altering personas to her goal makes her "become the mask". She eventually finds it hard to justify her continued kind and compassionate acts to Hazel in relation to her Apex worldviews, and the contradiction causes her distress.

Simon Analysis

Simon, in contrast, lies much less than Grace and is more open about how he feels, especially in his disdain for Denizens. While he initially seems friendly, when Jesse’s off on a raid he has no patience with MT’s concerns and outright tells her to “get out of here before Jesse gets back. You can’t help him like we can.” (Possible: it didn’t occur to him that Jesse might still trust Lake, so being too mean to Lake would come back to bite him.) He is also more open about his disdain for nulls around Hazel, though it would clearly benefit him to tone it down before they can “ditch” Tuba.

Two of Simon’s more important deceptions are notably half-truths, not outright claims. He claims MT broke Todd’s ankle, which is technically true: Todd kicked MT’s metal body and in the process broke his ankle. Arguably, him saying “no one knows” where the passengers go is him honestly saying he doesn’t know exactly where they go; how could he know Jesse Cosay’s home was in Arizona, and which specific location? Indeed, sometimes he does not lie even would it be very practical to do so. For example, although acting as if he “couldn’t save her in time” and pretending to be deeply unsettled by Tuba’s death would have gotten rid of Tuba and not put Hazel’s cooperation into question, he outright tells Hazel he wheeled her. His attempt to comfort her about “never hav[ing] to worry about that null again” could suggest obliviousness to the viewpoints of others, but it could also be his version of trustworthy, straightforward honesty, in accordance with his own beliefs.

It’s important to note that, though Simon is more honest than Grace, he still lies, deceives, and manipulates others. The difference between them is finesse, speed, and frequency. Though Simon may think of Grace as his plaything, or come to think of her as such, it’s Grace who’s effective at making others her playthings, by manipulating her social presentation like a social chameleon.

Root Causes

Arguably, both Grace and Simon do not treat people as means in themselves, but means to an end: in essence, other passengers are treated as tools for their own goals. It’s interesting to see how much Grace and Simon treat Apex members (and each other) like they treat nulls: that they are “only good as they are useful”. When they stop being “useful”, in the sense of helping the Apex or each other according to plan, they eventually become aggressive. Admittedly, the change to aggression is slower and more complicated for Simon to Grace in Season 3; Simon’s end goal for Grace could easily have been “comfort and companionship”, which friends naturally give anyway.

Grace emphasizes Jesse’s ability to choose for himself, but when Jesse’s decision strays from The Apex’s values and Grace’s plans, she doesn’t let him go with a “you’re missing out, buddy” lamentation. Instead, she says: “I wanted to go for the easy way, but you made it hard” and shows the Flecs where Lake is, presumably so they can do the dirty work for them. Jesse has value to Grace as an Apex member, one under her control, and not in any other sense. Grace’s logic for showing Lake to the Flecs parallels Simon’s actions in trapping Grace in her own memory tape; he says “you made me do this”. The Cat outright says Simon treats Grace as an object with: “and how should she be acting? She’s not like one of your toys.”

Grace Monroe is a liar, and much more so than Simon. And it’s because she is, in the words of the Memory Tape’s Hazel, a “coward leading cowards”. Grace’s lying comes from her fear: her fear of being wrong, of not being enough, of being alone. Her kindness to the Apex kids, faked or superficial as it may be, probably comes from the desire to give them what her parents would not. Adding onto her cowardice and fears, she initially hid her dropping number from Simon in “The Chat Chalet Car” because she "didn't want the Apex...or you...to see me like this...and think less of me." Though her fear Simon would think less of her for it was unfounded, as Simon sincerely supported her then, afterwards she hid her number from Simon. She “cut him out” (in Simon’s words) from her lack of courage to be open and honest. As Memory-Hazel points out, when Grace had the “chance to make it right”, by revealing she knew about Hazel’s condition when it was obvious she was a turtle, she did not.

Conclusion

Grace and Simon are both villain protagonists messed up by unresolved trauma and eight years of being on the train with no guidance whatsoever. One starts off slightly worse than the other, only to get much better discard her animus for nulls. One starts off slightly better, only to get much worse and expand his animus for nulls to humans as well: his former best (and only) friend, at that. It’s the tiny differences in how they relate to others and operate that cause their slightly different moral starting points and massively different end points.

[panharmonium]

a face like a wounded bear (i’ve just got a few things on my mind, that’s all)

back on my merlin rewatch rambles this week.  i’m finishing up S1 now and just putting down some notes here for myself about 1.11 - specifically, how it ties back to/is informed by 1.10, because this is something that’s been on my mind for a long time.

these got a bit long so feel free to scroll past if this isn’t your cup of tea!

standard disclaimer for people who don’t know me and might stumble across this: i got into this show late and i have not finished season 5.  i am GOING to finish season 5, hence this rewatch.  so far i have remained unspoiled for the end of this show; i super appreciate everybody helping me stay that way.  you have my permission to laugh at me for being ten years late to this show in the first place and also for taking a geological age to finish the last four episodes.  i understand and fully support you in this; in my defense, i have been using the break to write fic, so i hope all can be forgiven in the end X)

with that out of the way, some thoughts!

i. a wounded bear

i really appreciate how much angrier merlin suddenly is at everything once we hit ‘the labyrinth of gedref.’

he’s still trying to help solve arthur’s problems, and he’s still rooting for arthur to succeed, but he’s also snappy and irritable and getting lost staring out windows, and his patience level with arthur in particular is set to absolute zero.  it’s not a catastrophic change - it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like arthur anymore or that he doesn’t still respect arthur for what arthur...could be, and for what he is, at moments; merlin obviously still deeply admires him for caring so much about the people of camelot and he obviously still believes that arthur is noble at heart and worth supporting.  but he’s simultaneously sick and tired of arthur’s particular brand of princely BS, and in this episode it’s starting to show.

before this episode, merlin used to tolerate arthur’s dumbassery with a kind of...willingness to be amused as opposed to annoyed.  arthur would go into his “insult merlin” routine or say something only a rich idiot would say and merlin would just laugh it off, or quip it away, or roll his eyes and get on with his day.  he was kind of…gently entertained by the people he had to serve.  he was having a little adventure right then, you know?  and the nobles, arthur included, were colorful characters in this story he’d walked into.  if they were occasionally insufferable, well, at least they were good for a laugh.

for example, that episode where arthur keeps asking merlin to cover for him so he can go have his little dates with sophia?  merlin winds up in the stocks for it three times in a row, but the first time, he just shrugs it off with his typical cheery equanimity and wryly says, “i forgot how much fun this was!”  and then when arthur asks him to cover for him a second time, merlin is just psyched that arthur is having such a good time with sophia, and he immediately agrees to do it, saying, “don’t worry, i’ll find a way to get you out of it!”  and then he’s back in the stocks, but when he comes out of them, gaius is more annoyed at arthur than merlin is.  and then after arthur runs off to “elope” with sophia, and merlin ends up in the stocks a THIRD time, it’s just the funny zinger at the end of the episode.  he’s not upset about it.  it’s just like, “meh!  here i am again!  classic merlin misadventure, what can you do? :)”

there is no chance that would fly in the back quarter of S1.  none.  zero.

merlin is completely fed up in 1.11.  starting with the hunting party’s slaughter of the unicorn, and then branching out to other, smaller things - every dismissive thing arthur says to him, every time arthur ignores or denies the reality of their situation and tries to pin responsibility for camelot’s misfortune on sorcery rather than his own actions, every time arthur makes stupid comments like ‘merlin you’re less intelligent than a rat’ - in this episode, merlin doesn’t roll with those things.  he snaps back, or raises his voice; he refuses to be talked over, he bites back “i’m THIRSTY” when arthur tells him to stop smacking his lips in the granary.  

in another episode, that stuff might have been delivered in a jokey way - and it will be again, some day in the future, when they’re both back to having fun with it - but merlin’s not having fun with it in 1.11.  he’s giving arthur challenging stares and resentful glares instead of friendly, this-is-just-how-we-tease-each-other looks.  his tone isn’t amused or fondly exasperated, it’s frustrated or irritated or, sometimes, straight-up angry.  

there’s a point in one of their arguments where merlin says he believes what anhora is saying, and arthur’s cold response is, “then you’re a fool.  you cannot trust a single word a sorcerer says.  you’d do well to remember that.”  

and merlin gives him the most baleful glare. like he wants to just...strangle him with his eyes.  like he has so many cutting things just sitting on the tip of his tongue and can’t decide which one he wishes he could say first.

ii. a few things on my mind

this, i think, is where it’s worth remembering that this episode takes place in a larger context than ‘arthur did a dumbass thing at the beginning of the episode and merlin’s upset about it.’  

because merlin definitely is upset about the unicorn, but merlin’s also just upset, full stop, about things that have nothing to do with the unicorn or camelot’s curse or camelot to begin with, and it’s bleeding over into other areas of his life.

to clarify: i don’t think we can really understand merlin’s subtle attitude shift in 1.11 without understanding that 1.11 takes place immediately after 1.10.  

1.11 is one of two S1 episodes whose positions in the timeline we can actually pinpoint relative to their neighbors (the first being 1.02, which is directly stated to take place on merlin’s “first day as arthur’s servant,” aka the day after 1.01).  1.11 likewise can be mapped accurately onto the timeline, because kanen comes thundering into ealdor bellowing “it’s harvest time!” in 1.10, and then in 1.11 camelot is bringing in their harvest, too (literally, gaius yells at the end, “they’re bringing in the harvest!”). 

there’s really not any wiggle room there.  the harvest season is only so many weeks long to begin with, and we know ealdor was pretty far along with their work in 1.10 - we see the evidence of their labor, and if the grain hadn’t already been harvested, kanen’s group wouldn’t have had anything to steal.  ealdor is smaller, so it makes sense for them to finish faster than camelot, but it looks like camelot is just getting started in 1.11, given the state of their grain reserves and the fact that so much grain appears to be unharvested when the blight hits.  and, that being the case, honestly, camelot had to have started like, immediately after 1.10 finished, or even while that arc was still going on.  it’s already pushing the boundaries of disbelief that they wouldn’t have started by the time ealdor has gotten so much done.  there’s no plausible way they could have waited any longer.  harvest season is the same for everyone; it’s not some kind of rotating schedule.  people only have about a month to get it done in the first place.  

so these two episodes occur, at the absolute most, a couple weeks apart from one another, and that’s only by the most generous of estimates; it’s more likely that they’re closer together than that, given the information above.  but honestly, it doesn’t matter whether it’s two weeks or two days - either way, merlin in 1.11 has something going on in his head that’s extremely recent and taking up kind of a lot of his energy.  

i don’t know that this angle gets looked at often, because the understandable tendency is to mostly focus on merlin in relation to arthur, and this becomes especially true in episodes that contain arthur+merlin umm...idk, focus scenes like the one near the end of 1.11.  but this is the angle that’s always on my mind when i watch the end of S1, because if there is one hill i’ve staked out for the digging of my future grave, it’s the following:

merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon.

this probably qualifies as an unpopular fandom opinion, but it’s something i absolutely refuse to budge on.  

and of course it’s just my own read, obviously; you may have more fun coming at this episode from a different direction, and that’s totally cool!  but for me, my understanding when i’m watching this season - merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon.  especially not yet, especially not now, when merlin has only known arthur for a few months and he’s just coming back from being with people who have known him (and i mean known him, known everything, known him for real) for something like twenty years.

merlin’s life does NOT revolve around arthur pendragon.  his relationship with arthur, at this point, is not the most important relationship in his life.  arthur is not the best friend he’s ever had.  arthur is barely merlin’s friend at all, right now.  arthur likes him all right, yes, and merlin likes him back, most of the time, but arthur doesn’t even know him, really. 

arthur doesn’t know.

and i love arthur and merlin, like - i’m as down for the mythic, destiny-laden, we-find-each-other-in-every-universe dimension of their dynamic as anybody, and when those two finally have an equal, healthy friendship going on, i’m going to be cheering for them.  but it doesn’t change the fact that merlin had a life before he came to camelot, or the fact that by 1.11 he’s only been in camelot for a few months and doesn’t really know arthur all that well yet.  

you can pick whatever example you want to illustrate this point; there are enough of them to choose from, but one of the clearest is in 1.11, when arthur passes his final test and drinks anhora’s fake poison.  merlin thinks arthur is dead, at that point - he’s pretty well convinced that the poison was real and that arthur has just keeled over dead on the beach - but his reaction to arthur’s ‘death’ is....i don’t want to minimize it, exactly, because merlin's obviously upset about it, but at the same time the level of distress he displays is visibly, objectively different from what we see from him in other contexts.  it looks nothing like his naked grief when will is slipping away from him in 1.10, or his desperation when his mother shows up deathly ill on his doorstep in 1.13.  he doesn’t look at potentiallydead!arthur the same way, or talk to him the same way, or touch him the same way - of course he hustles right over and shakes him to see if he can wake him up, but it is just...you can watch these scenes next to each other and they are just not the same.  it is not the same gentle way he leans over his mother, the way he takes her hand, strokes her forehead, folds gaius’ rabbit’s foot into her fingers.  it is not the same way he cradles will in 1.10, when his fingers are in will’s hair and his hand is just - reflexively rubbing will’s head in a way that is just so...intimate and automatic and brokenly tender like -

of course it’s different with them!  he loves them!  watching them suffer is torture for him, and the idea of losing either of them is devastating to him on a scale i can’t possibly understand.  he’s only ever had two people in his life.  one parent.  one friend.  they were his whole world.

so, yeah, merlin is stressed about arthur’s apparent death.  he’s upset.  he likes arthur, he believes in arthur, he’s appalled that this is happening.  but it’s not a personal grief.  there aren’t any deathbed confessions.  there aren’t any gentle touches.  there aren’t any tears.  his protest to anhora isn’t ‘i love this person and i don’t want them to leave me;’ it’s ‘i was meant to protect him!’  it’s about him failing at his “destiny;” it’s about the fact that someone told him he was born like this for a reason and now he’s failed at the job that gave him a sense of purpose, at the thing that made him feel like having magic was worth all this terrible trouble.  

contrast this to when his mother shows up dying in 1.13, and gaius tries to prevent merlin from saving her by bringing up the importance of merlin’s “destiny.”  on that occasion, merlin’s immediate incredulous retort is, “my destiny?  this is my mother.”  

arthur’s death and merlin’s distress over it all come back to merlin’s unfulfilled destiny, in 1.11.  but merlin couldn’t care less about his destiny when it’s his mother’s life on the line.  my destiny means nothing if i cannot save her.

merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon.  not here, not now.

[that said - it’s different, of course, later in the series.  merlin’s reaction to arthur’s supposed death in 5.07 isn’t just “oh no i failed!”, it’s also a personal, particular anguish.  they matter to each other, by then.  (though even then i think there’s a lot to be said about the…unhealthy tragedy of merlin giving up on his own wants and needs and worth as a person who exists outside the context of this narrow mandate to protect someone who doesn’t know who merlin really is and wouldn’t love him if he did - but that’s just the situation merlin’s trapped himself in, by that point.  it’s what he’s accepted for himself.  it’s all he thinks he deserves.)]

[that’s a post for another day, though, so.  back to the point.]  

merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon.  merlin had a life all his own before he came to camelot, and during the last quarter of season 1, every part of it that matters to him is falling apart.

i keep coming back to this, every time i think about this kid.  there’s just no way to overstate the fact that merlin’s world up until this point has always been just two people.  his whole life has been just two people.  his whole life has been just one parent.  his whole life has been just one friend.  

and after 1.10, his one friend is dead.

i think we dramatically underestimate the impact of merlin having half of his world obliterated, just like that.  

that’s not something he gets up and strolls away from.  he can’t roll with that punch.  he carries that for the rest of his life.

you know what i mean?  it would be a disastrous enough thing on its own, without even getting into the fact that it unfolds in a way that is SO complicated and tied up with messy personal history and regret/guilt that it needs to be parsed in an essay of its own (which, yes, i might already have half-written; yes, i have too much extra time on my hands this month.)  we’re also not getting into the fact that like - okay, the sort of grimly positive flip side to only having two significant relationships in your life is that you’ve also never personally experienced any significant bereavement.  you don’t have any extended family to mourn, no friends to lose, et cetera.  so to have your first experience with loss be something so huge, when you’ve had no practice dealing with grief, and to be trapped in a place where you aren’t allowed to discuss it honestly because if you told somebody what it all really meant you’d be executed?  

i’d be in a bad mood, too.

merlin is such a good kid and he tries so hard to have a smile for everyone, but i can’t watch the last quarter of S1 without seeing the strain of this weighing on him.  it affects how he reacts to the situation with gwen’s father in 1.12 (more on that another time), and it absolutely plays into the fact that he spends the season finale racing from one side of the kingdom to the other, desperate to sacrifice his life for someone else’s.

^^ regarding that last bit - i think about that a lot.  merlin tries to die three separate times over the last three episodes of S1, and it’s not that he’s...running around trying to get someone to kill him, exactly, but there’s definitely a very real sense that he’s dumped any interest in self-preservation, at this point, that he doesn’t care what happens to him.  if dying is what it takes to make sure nobody else is taken away from him, then that’s fine.  he will do literally anything to not feel this again.

merlin is trying to process something so big for him and he’s trying, by necessity, to do it alone, because he left his mother behind and came back to camelot where nobody understands that the only person other than his mother who ever loved him just died lying for him.  he is so stressed out in the last three episodes of this season and so desperately unhappy about things he isn’t allowed to even mention, and i just think it’s impossible to evaluate these episodes outside of that particular context.  

“we haven’t done all the things we’re meant to do,” he protests in the finale - and you can feel that aching admission come welling right up out of his soul.  it’s uttered in a new context, yes, but he’s been thinking it for weeks and weeks and weeks already, too late to change anything, too late to buy his friend any more time.  he’s hurting.  and he goes zipping around from life-sacrifice to life-sacrifice in the last three episodes in a desperate attempt to keep himself from hurting more.

iii. i’d never have a friend who could be such an ass

the point of all this is the following: the reason merlin sounds like he’s fed up with arthur in 1.11 is because he is fed up with arthur in 1.11.  he’s fed up with everything.  they all just got home from ealdor somewhere between a couple of days and a couple of weeks ago, and merlin is reeling.  he feels like his head and his heart are still trapped on the other side of the border.  he’s sick of looking at arthur’s arrogant, insensitive, infuriatingly alive face - and i say this while recognizing that, even at the same time, merlin also cares about arthur, and believes in him, and lionizes him; admires him; hero-worships him, even.  these two things can be simultaneously true.  merlin’s relationship with arthur is already so fraught with dissonance (how can you care about someone who thinks people like you are inherently evil?  how can you respect someone who oppresses you?) - and merlin’s always carried two contradictory truths when he navigates their relationship, one in each hand.  and right now it’s just that one hand is holding something too heavy.  he’s not being bitchy, he’s busy - he’s trying to deal with something that is taking up 100% of his mental and emotional energy; he doesn’t have anything left over to accommodate arthur pendragon’s dumbassery. 

and arthur pendragon IS a dumbass; let’s not pretend that he isn’t.  i love him, and he has moments that are so admirable and glorious and shining that they take your breath away, when you can see why gwen says you are going to live to be the man i see inside you; i can see a king that the people will love and be proud to call their sovereign (that speech makes my eyes sting EVERY TIME, it gets me right there) - but arthur is STILL a dumbass.  no question about it.  he has so far to go, still.  he’s dumb in all the generic ‘oblivious rich dude’ ways, and he’s also a jerk in his own specific ‘arrogant arthur pendragon TM’ ways, and merlin at this particular moment doesn’t have the energy to deal with it.  he likes arthur, even at this early stage, despite all the mental gymnastics he has to do in order to like someone who hates magic-users.  but merlin’s closest friend in the world is dead, and arthur is such an asshole sometimes and it’s like - this is what i got in exchange?  this is the trade the universe made?  what the hell makes arthur more deserving of being here than somebody who loved me without being told, without being taught, without needing to be constantly convinced that i should be allowed to exist and be safe and be loved on this earth?

are we really surprised that merlin wants to strangle arthur after that trademark ‘you cannot trust a single word a sorcerer says’ comment?  merlin has enough reasons to resent that on his own behalf, but his own secret isn’t the problem, this time; the problem is that they literally just got home from their little jaunt to ealdor and the only reason arthur even made it back from ealdor in the first place was because (as far as arthur knows) a ‘sorcerer’ died saving his stupid life, and arthur knows that, and still, this is what he has to say?  

and that’s on top of like - back in ealdor before they left, the fact that arthur really felt it was necessary to take time out of his day to come over and reproachfully chastise merlin about not disclosing will’s ‘magic,’ AT WILL’S FUCKING FUNERAL???  “you know how dangerous magic is.  you shouldn’t have kept this from me.”  AT WILL’S FUNERAL?  RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS BURNING CORPSE?  LIKE????  HELLO????

can you imagine being in this scenario???  and thinking???  yeah this is appropriate.  this is the time.  

how is merlin supposed to respond to that?  when arthur’s like ‘you know how dangerous magic is’ and merlin is just like ????!!  we are AT HIS FUNERAL!!!  we are literally WATCHING HIS BODY BURN!!!!  you know how dangerous magic is FFS THAT ‘MAGIC-USER’ COULDN’T STAND YOU AND HE STILL SAVED YOUR UNGRATEFUL LIFE AND HE’S DEAD BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT AND WE’RE AT HIS FUNERAL OMG IS THIS THE TIME?  IS IT EVER GOING TO BE THE TIME?  SHUT!  UP!

of course merlin wants to kill him.   

so anyway.  i really appreciate merlin’s sudden prickliness in this episode.  it’s subtle enough not to be completely jarring, but it’s still clearly perceptible, and i’m glad for that, because this is something that should be perceptible, given the timeline, but at the same time merlin would never, ever mention what’s really bothering him out loud, because a) the sorcery element and arthur’s involvement in how things went down have made it an absolutely unbroachable, forbidden topic, and b) guilt has wired merlin’s jaw shut.

^^ re: that last thing - it’s a post for another day, and i won’t really get into it now, but suffice to say, once again, that merlin spends the last quarter of season 1 running around trying his absolute hardest to throw his life away for someone, and i just feel like...i think it says something about the kind of pain he is in, and the kind of apology he feels he needs to make.  

he is having a very hard time.  merlin in the back quarter of S1 is feeling very alone and very much like he doesn’t deserve to ever feel better. 

so if he’s a little bitey with arthur’s trademark noble nonsense, i think we can cut him some slack.

[sunflowersonthehill]

Harry J. Potter and the Sorting Hat (really long post)

‘Hmm,’ said a small voice in his ear. ‘Difficult. Very difficult. Plenty of courage, I see. Not a bad mind, either. There’s talent, oh my goodness, yes – and a nice thirst to prove yourself, now that’s interesting ... So where shall I put you?’

Harry gripped the edges of the stool and thought, ‘Not Slytherin, not Slytherin.’

‘Not Slytherin, eh?’ said the small voice. ‘Are you sure? You could be great, you know, it’s all here in your head, and Slytherin will help you on the way to greatness, no doubt about that – no? Well, if you’re sure – better be GRYFFINDOR!’ (Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s stone, The Sorting Hat)  

I believe that everyone has talked about this scene at this point but I wanted to say something. The most important thing in this exchange of lines is that the sorting hat thought that Harry should be in Slytherin and Harry chose to “belong in Gryffindor,/ Where dwell the brave at heart,/ Their daring, nerve, and chivalry/ Set Gryffindors apart". Now I want to concentrate on the other things the hat says:

1.   Plenty of courage

If we want to stay on book 1 the first example that comes to my mind is the Troll scene. I know that the line between “bravery” and “stupidity” is really subtle but:

“Harry then did something that was both very brave and very stupid: he took a great running jump and managed to fasten his arms around the troll’s neck from behind. The troll couldn’t feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry’s wand had still been in his hand when he’d jumped – it had gone straight up one of the troll’s nostrils.” (Hallowe’en)

Yep, that was very stupid, but Hermione was crying, the fear froze her and he did the first thing he could think of in that moment to protect her.

There are so many more moments, but my favourite is in Deathly Hallows when he acknowledged that he had to die.

Harry understood at last that he was not supposed to survive. His job was to walk calmly into Death’s welcoming arms. [...] Would it hurt to die? All those times he had thought that it was about to happen and escaped, he had never really thought of the thing itself: his will to live had always been so much stronger than his fear of death. […] This cold-blooded walk to his own destruction would require a different kind of bravery. (The Forest Again)

2.   Not a bad mind

Ok, we all know that harry is not a Ravenclaw because of a lot of things but his mind is still really great and, sometimes, is fast. He IS smart:

‘Stop moving!’ Hermione ordered them. ‘I know what this is – it’s Devil’s Snare!’ ‘Oh, I’m so glad we know what it’s called, that’s a great help,’ snarled Ron […].

‘Shut up, I’m trying to remember how to kill it!’ said Hermione. […]

‘Devil’s Snare, Devil’s Snare ... What did Professor Sprout say? It likes the dark and the damp –’

‘So, light a fire!’ Harry choked.

‘Yes – of course – but there’s no wood!’ Hermione cried, wringing her hands.

‘HAVE YOU GONE MAD?’ Ron bellowed. ‘ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT?’ (Through the Trapdoor)

Ok, of course he is not Hermione-solving-Snape’s-potion-riddle smart but in the Goblet of Fire he answered correctly to the sphynx so... I can live with this and I don’t know if this is an unpopular opinion, but I really liked DH Harry, really. I loved how he was able to interpret Voldy’s mind and how he solved the puzzle Dumbledore left him. I know he did some stupid things like take Mad-Eye Moody’s eye from the Umbridge’s door but come on... he couldn’t leave it there. But now an example:

‘Harry,’ […] Are you saying there’s a Horcrux in the Lestranges’ vault?’

‘Yes,’ said Harry. ‘Bellatrix was terrified when she thought we’d been in there; she was beside herself. Why? What did she think we’d seen, what else did she think we might have taken?

Something she was petrified You-Know-Who would find out about.’

‘But I thought we were looking for places You-Know-Who’s been, places he’s done something important?’ […]

‘I don’t know whether he was ever inside Gringotts,’ said Harry. ‘He never had gold there when he was younger, […] ‘I think he would have envied anyone who had a key to a Gringotts vault. I think he’d have seen it as a real symbol of belonging to the wizarding world. And don’t forget, he trusted Bellatrix and her husband. They were his most devoted servants before he fell, and they went looking for him after he vanished. He said it the night he came back, I heard him.’

[…] He probably told her it was a treasured possession and asked her to place it in her vault. The safest place in the world for anything you want to hide, Hagrid told me ... except for Hogwarts.’

When Harry had finished speaking, Ron shook his head. ‘You really understand him.’ (The Wandmaker)

3.   Talent

Now tell me that he is not a good wizard. In his third year he produced a Patronus, during his fifth year he taught DADA to other students and have you seen his O.W.L.S?

Astronomy A /Care of Magical Creatures E /Charms E /Defense Against the Dark Arts O /Divination P / Herbology E /History of Magic D /Potions E /Transfiguration E

They are good. He is not exceptional, but he is a very good wizard and we know the story behind Divination and History of Magic.

4.   Thirst to prove yourself

Ok, this I like very much. In my opinion, almost everything he does during this series is because he wants to prove others and himself that he can be, will be and is a good wizard. At the start he didn’t know ANYTING about magic, he didn’t even know that magic existed in the first place. Then someone told him that everyone in their world knew his name for something he didn’t remember he had done... I mean, is scary and he was eleven. He wants to belong in that world from the bottom of his heart.

‘... and until Hagrid told me, I didn’t know anything about being a wizard or about my parents or Voldemort –’

Ron gasped.

‘What?’ said Harry.

‘You said You-Know-Who’s name!’ said Ron, sounding both shocked and impressed. ‘I’d have thought you, of all people –’

‘I’m not trying to be brave or anything, saying the name,’ said Harry. ‘I just never knew you shouldn’t. See what I mean?’ I bet,’ he added, voicing for the first time something that had been worrying him a lot lately, ‘I bet I’m the worst in the class.’ (The journey from platform 9 and 3/4 )

And at the end of the book

‘D’you think he meant you to do it?’ said Ron. ‘Sending you your father’s Cloak and everything?’ ‘Well,’ Hermione exploded, ‘if he did – I mean to say – that’s terrible – you could have been killed.’ ‘No, it isn’t,’ said Harry thoughtfully. ‘He’s a funny man, Dumbledore. I think he sort of wanted to give me a chance. I think he knows more or less everything that goes on here, you know. I reckon he had a pretty good idea we were going to try, and instead of stopping us, he just taught us enough to help. I don’t think it was an accident he let me find out how the Mirror worked. It’s almost like he thought I had the right to face Voldemort if I could ...’ […] (The Man with two Faces)

Dumbledore said that the real power of Harry was to choose the good side after all that happened to him. For him to suffer meant to love again and again and to forgive bad guy after bad guy. I mean... HE TRIED TO REDEEM VOLDEMORT!

“But before you try to kill me, I’d advise you to think about what you’ve done ... think, and try for some remorse, Riddle ...’

‘What is this?’

Of all the things that Harry had said to him, beyond any revelation or taunt, nothing had shocked Voldemort like this. [...]

‘It’s your one last chance,’ said Harry, ‘it’s all you’ve got left ... I’ve seen what you’ll be otherwise ... be a man ... try ... try for some remorse ...’  (The Flaw in the Plan)

He never wanted to be a Slytherin, he never wanted greatness, he never asked to be the hero, he had to be it because of a prophecy, because everyone wanted him to be it, because Voldemort made him “The chosen one”, “The boy who lived” and he became the hero everyone asked for.

Voldemort asked him if he wanted to join him in the PS:

‘SO WHAT?’ Harry shouted. ‘Don’t you understand? If Snape gets hold of the Stone, Voldemort’s coming back! Haven’t you heard what it was like when he was trying to take over? There won’t be any Hogwarts to get expelled from! He’ll flatten it or turn it into a school for the Dark Arts! Losing points doesn’t matter anymore, can’t you see? Do you think he’ll leave you and your families alone if Gryffindor win the House Cup? If I get caught before I can get to the Stone, well, I’ll have to go back to the Dursleys and wait for Voldemort to find me there. It’s only dying a bit later than I would have done, because I’m never going over to the Dark Side! I’m going through that trapdoor tonight and nothing you two say is going to stop me! Voldemort killed my parents, remember?’ (Through the Trapdoor)

‘Don’t be a fool,’ snarled the face. ‘Better save your own life and join me ... or you’ll meet the same end as your parents ... They died begging me for mercy ...’

‘LIAR!’ Harry shouted suddenly. […]

‘How touching ...’ it hissed. ‘I always value bravery ... Yes, boy, your parents were brave ... I killed your father first and he put up a courageous fight ... but your mother needn’t have died ... she was trying to protect you ... Now give me the Stone, unless you want her to have died in vain.’

‘NEVER!’ (The Man with two Faces)

Dumbledore himself said to Harry that he had some characteristics that Voldemort likes but Harry was loved by so many and so much and he knew that. Harry James Potter is the most not-Slytherin person on this planet, he is a true Gryffindor (maybe with a tip of Hufflepuff for his loyalty) ... change my mind.

Bonus:

‘It’s not a case of what you’ll permit, Minerva McGonagall. Your time’s over. It’s us what’s in charge here now, and you’ll back me up or you’ll pay the price.’

And he spat in her face.

Harry pulled the Cloak off himself, raised his wand and said, ‘You shouldn’t have done that.’

As Amycus spun round, Harry shouted, ‘Crucio!’

[…] ‘I see what Bellatrix meant,’ said Harry, the blood thundering through his brain, ‘you need to really mean it.’

‘Potter!’ whispered Professor McGonagall, clutching her heart. ‘Potter – you’re here! What –? How- ?’ She struggled to pull herself together. ‘Potter, that was foolish!’

‘He spat at you,’ said Harry.

[500wordtheology]

Detour: The Good Place Conclusion

    Please forgive me, I’m about to break protocol. Normally this blog is dedicated to theological topics and I strive to keep each post at around 500 words. Today’s post will certainly be theology related, but it is extremely unlikely I will be able to keep it brief. Should you want to skip this post, feel free to click here to advance to the next blog entry.

    The TV show “The Good Place” has now concluded. If you haven’t seen it, close this window and go watch the first season. It’s great. Possibly one of my favorite single seasons of any TV show ever. Genius creative work, and brilliant comedy and heart.

    I cannot say the same for the final season, and especially the final two episodes. That is what this blog post is about, and in case it wasn’t obvious:

    COMPLETE SPOILERS FOR “THE GOOD PLACE” AHEAD.

    I will not recap the show’s four seasons here, nor even the episodes being discussed. This is written for those who have already seen them. Instead let’s jump into exactly how, unfortunately, the conclusion of the show failed both morally and creatively.

    Please understand I do not write this as some stuffy critic. I lived the life of a stuffy critic in my younger days, and while it is a lovely boost to the ego, it is empty and dumb. I’ve learned that much at least. The reason for my critique here is because we as human beings need to KNOW this stuff. We need to not be tricked into shallow thought.

Where It All Falls Apart

    The Good Place made a number of mistakes with the final two episodes. Let’s discuss the errors and try to make clear where things went awry (and how/why they were hand-waved away).

    The penultimate episode, “Patty,” introduced the idea that an undisclosed amount of time in Paradise would cause you to become a boring, intellectually-stunted zombie. Apparently even the greatest thinkers who ever lived who managed to get into the Good Place only ever wanted milkshakes and orgasms, and instantly abandoned all big questions about the Universe for simple Hedonism. (And yes, it’s very true that Hedonism is empty and meaningless.)

    This outcome makes very little sense, and I am unsure if it was a result of running out of episodes (which would be a shame, because the early bits of the final season were often dull and it would have been far better spending more time exploring these later concepts instead of cheap laughs at the expense of stereotypical, hollow characters introduced and then thrown away) or if it was simply bad and unimaginative writing. Considering the fantastic writing of Seasons 1 and 2, and sometimes 3, this is extremely puzzling. At any rate, it shows a serious lack of creativity.

    Here is an important truth that was almost totally avoided in these final episodes: The question “Why?” does not disappear simply because you can conjure up a Coke and some sunglasses any time you want. Those questions remain. They might even move more to the forefront of the mind. Why are things the way they are? Unanswered, unexplored. Not just unexplored by the writers, but unexplored by the characters like Patty who were set up to have been in the Good Place for an undetermined amount of time (but “long”).

    This is the ultimate problem with exploring Philosophy without also exploring Theology alongside. Interviews with the creator of the show consistently have him bringing up things like Buddhism or Hinduism, but strangely absent are Monotheistic religions. Why is this? For starters, I expect it is because many of the loudest voices in the modern Western world do not care for such concepts. They don’t like what it entails. If we are not in charge of our own ultimate destiny, which is the case when God exists and has made you with a purpose of his intention, our ego gets a slap in the face.

    And it should, because that is what our ego deserves when it is out of order, but that is another post.

    Anyway, it is possible this choice was made to avoid ruffling feathers of media and the societal elite. It is easier to play it safe, even for a show that tackled some very large concepts like morality.

    It is also possibly because studying such religions requires a great amount of work. Heaven, in Christianity, is not a fluffy cloud where you get everything you ever wanted (like margaritas and monkeys in go-karts), where you sit and play a harp (or guitar) all day and also, hey look, your childhood dog is there. That is a foolish, childish caricature of Heaven, but unfortunately has become widely accepted as true simply because people refuse to go study further. So mistruths are believed due to ignorance. Cartoonish ideas are thought to be accurate, because non-cartoonish ideas are hard and sometimes extremely uncomfortable.

    It’s more than a shame.

    Not only is Heaven infinitely better than such a stupid caricature, but it isn’t even the final destination! New Earth and bodily resurrection comes after. However that is Christianity, and The Good Place makes its own version of heaven instead. A cartoonish one. Fine. But even ignoring that, the problem The Good Place’s ending faces is in the mantra “Death makes life meaningful.”

    Here’s the kicker: That’s not untrue. And because it is not untrue, we can quickly and easily get extremely confused. In fact, go read some reviews of the final episode from a number of popular websites and you’ll find they herald this truth. Because in our earthly life, it is right to say death makes this part of our existence precious.

    The problem, and it is a HUGE one, is they then transpose the earthly lesson onto eternity. Ignorantly (and forgive me for this is not an insult but a statement of why they claim it, they simply don’t KNOW and I realize even saying such a thing is unpopular) they claim that eternity would be “like this life but longer.” And yes, if that was eternity they might have a point. However even within the universe The Good Place has created that is not accurate! We are shown concepts like The Time Knife, and IHOP, and Janet, and the Judge. These things alone make eternity not simply Earth-life-but-forever. And here arises a major problem, because the writers suddenly go from thinking reasonably large to thinking utterly small, right at the end when thinking big is so important.

    Creativity is boundless. The Good Place was certainly not short on creativity! At least… up until the end. At the end what you had was creative bankruptcy. A nihilistic conclusion that there is no real meaning - except this conclusion gussied up with terms like “peace” and “love” before folks walked off to their annihilation. It is, in fact, the gussying up that I have the biggest problem with. It is a flat-out lie, paraded as some virtue.

    This is detestable. Tricking the viewer into believing such ridiculousness as “if you’re ready to die, you should do it and your suicide is a good thing. The best thing, even. The only way to be happy forever.”

    I am sorry, but this is not only trash, it is dangerous trash. I hope I do not need to go into detail as to why.

Retirement for All

    Let me jump slightly sideways for a second and point out something extremely telling: The “solution” that everyone got on board with at the end of it all was The Eternal Shriek.

    Think about that for a second. That is what their solution was. The thing that in Season 1 and 2 seemed (rightfully) so horrific.

    Now immediately one might say “Oh, no, that is not the same at all! The Eternal Shriek was a forced thing, the pretty gate in the forest was a willful decision.” 

    Really? 

    WAS it?

    This is the response the writers want you to have, and it is one, again, of shallow thinking. This is the trick of the pretty forest scene and the constant throwing around words like “peace” and “calm” and “love” at the end. What we learn from the show is that the Forest Gate ends up being everyone’s ONLY ultimate option. Tahani, after mastering demonic/angelic architecture, will be left with the same ending. She will “be ready” but only because she has no choice but to eventually be ready. It is no longer a choice, but, as Eleanor says in the show itself in Season 2 “It’s a crappy deal, but it’s the only one we get.” Even after all they’ve learned (and have the potential to learn, let’s never forget that aspect) they play God (but far worse, because they are not God) and give humanity the *same deal* they say is crappy and lament how it is the only deal they got.

    You might also say “Oh, no, the Eternal Shriek had all that awful stuff like having your soul scooped out with flaming ladles.” Yeah? What of it? You’re not conscious anymore (otherwise Michael wouldn’t have lamented “no more me” when he had his existential crisis) so the desecration of your esense and the atoms of your body are as meaningless to you as if someone dumps your cremated ashes in the forest vs. in the ocean. Or, yes, even in a rubbish bin.

    Note the throw-away joke of the creature Derek has become. In his final speech (before getting rebooted again against his will) he mentions the heat death of the Universe. Let’s not ignore that. We are left by the writers (manipulated, really) with warm fuzzy feelings as one of Eleanor’s golden particle-thingies lands on a person who then does something decent instead of cruel. But what is not shown (because it would harp on our buzz) is that man will die. Michael will die. They will be annihilated and then, eventually, all humans will die, the earth will die, the universe will die, Derek will die, Janet will die, the Good Place will die, the Judge will die, and the final pretty gold sparkle will no fall on some new person to help them improve, but instead cease to Be entirely and have absolutely no meaning at all. It will all amount to exactly the same in the end as if the Bad Place guys ran things.

    To use the pretty analogy of the show, “The wave will still be water and return to the ocean,” but then the ocean will disappear entirely for no reason or purpose and even the wave and water will be worth nothing. (They don’t note this second half, because that second half doesn’t make you feel good. Yet it lurks there, undiscussed and ready to pounce and surprise.)

    This is the stark, awful truth of a purposeless universe and existence. It is an awful thing, but it is the truth if that is the worldview we’re exploring. (A reminder this is not the truth of God, though. God loves you, and you do not exist for no reason. A necessary reminder because when we start to really dig in and explore nihilism it gets “real dark real fast.” We need to hold onto the Light at such times.)

    At any rate, what then seems to separate the Eternal Shriek from the Forest Door is only that the last fleeting moments are located in a peaceful looking (though ultimately doomed) place. The results end up being identical. The final option of The Good Place ends up being the worst-possible-option of The Bad Place: Annihilation. This is the “solution” the writers came up with. The one they themselves made fun of in previous episodes (rightfully so, because it is terrible.)

    And yes, it is that big and important. The *foundation* of ideas is precicely where they either stand firm or topple and crush everyone around them. We must dig deep when it comes to what we think and believe.

Selfishness and “Love”

    Here I will break and tackle another awful, awful thing these final episodes support: Complete selfishness as somehow compatible with Love.

    Jason is not all that bright. But generally he seems to have a good heart, particularly for those he cares about. Yet after completing a single perfect round of a video game, he chooses to leave the not-a-woman he loves forever. To abandon her, because he just doesn’t feel like sticking around anymore.

    What?

    But okay. It’s Jason. I was willing to suspend some disbelief for the sake of the character, who is a few crayons short of a box.

    Then Chidi does the same thing.

    WHAT?

    This is utterly absurd. Here the writers want to write what they want to write, rather than be honest. It is one of my biggest convictions that an author must be honest. He or she may nudge things in certain directions, but if the author of a story ever forces a character to do something against their character, that is not only poor writing but completely dishonest. It is the lowest form of storytelling to do such a thing. And we find it here.

    Chidi, by his own admission, has a sense of calm and peace. Chidi is just fine. Yet he knows his choice to kill himself (annihilate, really, because we need to be crystal clear on that) will hurt Eleanor deeply. It will cause her extreme pain. He still chooses it.

    My friends, that is not love. That is also not Chidi.

    Love sacrifices for the beloved. And in this case, Chidi wouldn’t even be sacrificing much if he stayed, because we’ve already established he is at peace and internally calm. So rather than maintain this feeling, or even work to be better IF other feelings arose in the future, he checks out on Eleanor. Quits on her. Deserts her. (Leaving her a hedonistic even if hilarious calendar, no less. Fun joke but morally what the fork.)

    Loving relationships in our modern age have taken a severe hit. One reason may be that we think this is how you should treat someone you love. “Me first” has become the battle cry of the age. 

    No, my friends. Love first. Always.

    I anxiously await Heaven and New Earth. But also I love my wife, family, and friends. If I must stay here to support them, I will. Even if “there and then” is better, it doesn’t matter. I love them. I will remain for them. (I will even eat kale and exercise if it means I get to remain here to support them a little longer than if I only ate bacon and browsed Twitter from bed all day.)

    Beyond that, I will remain because God has me here for a purpose. But since The Good Place did not deal with such topics, resorting instead to vague concepts of “helping people is good, so totally do it” and the like, I will even abandon this particular train of thought for this discussion. Even if it was ONLY my wife, family, and friends, they are worth it. Love is big enough to cause me to keep going for them.

    Yes, Eleanor was noble in letting Chidi go. But Chidi was completely ignoble for going when he knew, without a doubt, she wanted him to remain. That she was not ready.

    I think this may be one reason after thousands of years (or whatever a Bearimy is, they keep it vague on purpose and that is very clever of them) Chidi and Elenor are still calling each other “boyfriend and girlfriend.” They REFUSE to commit. Why? Because a husband does not walk out on the wife he loves and we know it. We all know it. Deep inside we know that is not what a husband is meant to do. That would make Chidi a horrific husband. But walk out on a girlfriend? Eh. Sure. Not great, but okay. The world says that’s not so serious. Walk away, dude, no one will care.

    Sorry, Good Place writers, I care. I care deeply.

Why?

    Here is where we get to the meat of it. WHY do I care? (Especially as a number of people point out to me “it’s just a TV show.”)

    I care because I have SEEN what real love brings with it. Bliss. Not hedonistic happiness, but JOY. Ecstasy beyond frivolous ideas like orgasms. Delight beyond mere milkshakes and talking pandas. Glory. Perfection. Eternal Good with no end.

    It is better, and it is worth striving for.

    What happens when we accept and perpetuate ideas like “It is totally fine to abandon people you love as long as it is in your own best interest” is that it degradates our concept of love itself. Love becomes lesser and watered down. This is the same with divorce. Divorce is never easy. Sometimes it is necessary. But it SHOULD never be easy. And honestly? It SHOULD never be necessary. It’s because of our sin that the necessity arises. Here we see the problem not with eternity, but with eternity WITH sin still permitted. Yes, eternity breaks when we are simply “us” but “forever.” (Even if it is slightly-better-than-on-earth “us.”)

    Going back to the idea of love, when we chip away at love and redefine it to mean something lesser we open the doors wide for awful things like what Chidi did and what Jason did. Selfish things. And newsflash, for anyone who didn’t already know, WE WANT TO BE SELFISH. It is in us. We desire to look out for number one, and always have number one be us. This is why the great command is “Love God, and Love your neighbor as yourself.” Because we already know how to love ourselves. Loving ourselves is “I don’t feel like being here in paradise with you anymore, bye.” We are called to do better than that.

    Real love is epic, you guys. Real love is flippin ridiculously good. It redefines GOOD itself. We shouldn’t settle for the “this is nice” false love that is tossed around these days as if that is the bar. That is a garbage bar! Raise that puppy to where it belongs!

    When you experience the utter glory of God and his love, it changes everything. The cheap love the world peddles becomes laughable. But not just laughable: sad. After I watched the finale and read review after review online where people heralded this idea of “eternity would be boring without death” I cried. I laid on the floor and cried for a world that doesn’t know God. That thinks this is all there is, or that boredom could ever come about from true paradise. Forgive me, but what shallow thinking that is! What despair, without even knowing it.

    Alas, this is what people are taught. Let us never forget that Story does not just entertain us, it teaches us. It molds us. This is, sadly, the emptiness The Good Place ends up teaching as its last lesson. “Do good, because it’s good (don’t ask why), but then abandon doing good if it means you get what you want.” Hedonistic Nihilism is the conclusion they offer, spit-shined so you don’t think too hard about it or feel too bad. Yes, feel a little bad, they want you to do that. But not bad enough to really think about how the hope and golden particles of light in a peaceful forest are a trick to shy away from ultimate meaninglessness and selfishness behind it.

    This is the final moral of the show, and it is desperately sad. This is the emptiness of Philosophy without God. And when it is sugar-coated like they sugar-coated it, it is a cyanide pill that tastes great and goes down smooth. 

    You know, until it kills you.

[captainshadowgirllostfan]

This is the first Chapter Yugi POV of “How the Gang Met”

The day had started normal. The alarm clock bleeping, my hand crashing down to end it, and then Grandpa unceremoniously entering my room with his usual cheerful morning greeting, "WAKE UP YUGI!THE DAY CAN'T START WITH YOU SLEEPING THE DAY AWAY NOW!" And when that didn't work,there went several minutes in my room with my Grandpa beating me with a broom. Honestly, sometimes I wonder how it was this man who raised my father to be the sharp and brilliant businessman he was when half the time I swear the man was out of his mind. Maybe it was because I ended up being raised towards the end of the man's life. How old was he again? 60? 80? 90? A 100 years old?

"Now Yugi, today is an important day. The day you start your journey into becoming the great man you're meant to be. Now I know you've heard all the horror stories of high school, and I can't really say they are false. But trust me, it only starts that way. The key is surviving, and later becoming so great that when you come back to high school after many years, you'll say AHAHAHA! LOOK WHAT I'VE BECOME LOSERS! Unless you become popular." Doubt it. "Then you can still say, "AHAHAH! LOOK WHAT I'VE BECOME LOSERS!"

"Okay yeah Grandpa I understand." Not really. "But exactly how am I going to survive, if I don't really have any friends… Or even know exactly how I'm going to end up successful in the end."

"The key is, Yugi, to focus on your studies. And as for friends." Grandpa starts laughing boisterously, "Why you'll make a lot of them no problem. You know in my day I was rather popular you know. All the girls just wanted to be with me! But if you're anything like your father, you might not end up so popular. Not that your father wasn't meant to be unpopular. It was perhaps the fact that he was very reserved I suppose. Or the fact that everyone was just jealous over how brilliant he was!" Grandpa chuckled, while I raise my eyebrow.

"….You were popular?" I asked dubiously.

"Of course!" He grins. "What you don't believe your grandpa was such a ladies man back in the day?"

"It's not that I don't believe you..." To be honest I really didn't. If his way of getting girls is the same as now, there was no way women had any affinity towards my grandfather… Except for my grandmother, if my father's existence was any consolation, Grandpa probably did have some moves when it came to women. Still I highly doubted he was popular back when he was my age. I got his stature, and people with our stature just didn't invite popularity among the majority of people taller then us.

"Haha ah kids. So skeptical these days. Hmph. Fine don't believe me, not that it matters but it's true! I do have something though that may help with your friends' issue."

"Really?" I say, both shocked, intrigued, and hopeful. I mean I wasn't exactly popular in middle school… or ever really. Being a runt and all has it's drawbacks (again the reason #2 why I also think he's lying. I get my shortness from him and maybe my mother. My father oddly didn't get the shortness gene from his father, lucky bastard. Maybe it skips a generation…) like being bullied constantly in school, and being the last chosen in any sport or game. Oh also the lack of friends, because nobody wants to be friends with the short, unattractive, runt of the group. Hell if I wasn't such a runt, I'd probably not be friends with me either. I mean what benefit would,I, a runt be for a friend? Why exactly would anyone be friends with me? I'm useless. Hence the reason why I have no friends.

… Wow. This story suddenly turned into the sob story of an angst-y teenager, which I assure you I am not. I'm rather a very optimistic person, albeit shy. I do want to meet new people… I'm just not very confident. Being thrown into the dumpster many times during my past experiences of school does that to a person…

"Come now! Don’t tell me you forgot your lucky charm!” Grandpa laughed while I kept looking at him cluelessly.

“What are you-” I started to say only to find a golden box with a familiar creepy eye in the middle in my hands. “Your puzzle box!” exclaimed Grandpa while I stifled a groan. Right. My luck charm.

“You’ve been working on this since you were eight! I wonder why you stopped working on it. You were almost there!” 

I sighed. Not really. This puzzle had been the bane of my existence since I started. You see, I don’t like to brag, but when it comes to board games and card games I am the fucking king! I can win and complete the impossible. But this box… this puzzle…

Let me start in the beginning. When I was eight years old my parents died, and I had to live with my grandpa which wasn’t so bad to be honest. I loved my grandpa, but at the time… well I lost my parents. So to try and 

…I have no idea where that came from.

"So I was saving this till you were ready." He pulls out an ancient looking golden box. My hopeful expression deflates. Great, an ancient relic from his archeological days. I wonder if I rub it a genie will magically pop out and give me three wishes to make… "This Yugi is an ancient box" No duh. "Containing the pieces of a fabled magical item called the Millenium Puzzle. According to what this says, if you are able to solve the puzzle and put it back together, the item will allow you one wish, and it will happen. Your life will change forever." Grandpa ends with a dramatic air.

I look at him with a raised eyebrow as I accept his gift. Well not a magic lamp, but almost close. I guess I could humor Grandpa for a while. That and I do love puzzles, and any kinds of games really… except for the athletic kinds… cause I suck at those. "Thanks Grandpa. I can't wait to start solving this!"

"Haha I had a feeling you'd like it! You might end up making some friends with the puzzle." Yeah right, but Grandpa smiles and I feel a bit touched that he cares so much. Really I have the best grandfather in the world, even if I'm just saying that because I'm around him often, though if anything that just adds to how really awesome he is. I mean if you were around him as often as I, it'd probably drive you insane, and it does drive me insane, but in the end of the day, there really isn't a more caring person then my grandfather, plus he's the closest person to me. He knows everything about me, and understands everything that I feel! It's kinda creepy when I think about it.

"Now you go off now. The school bell will ring any minute now, and I don't want you to be late on your first day now"

"Bye Grandpa!" I wave my hand as I pack the Millennium's Puzzle Box in my back bag and make my way to school.

When I arrived at school, I was met with one of my old buddies from middle school. Actually, not really one of my old buddies, but he was a familiar face anyway. Joey Wheeler, A.K.A Asshole who won't get off my ass. Since as far as I could remember, the moment Joey Wheeler had come to Domino, he's decided that I would be his personal plaything. His excuse to the daily throwing my ass in a dumpster, stealing my homework, taking my lunch money, or whatever torture/punishment he decides to do to me for the day is one thing simple: to teach me to stand up for myself. Yeah, he's a real helper this guy.

"Well look whose finally showed up!" Wheeler says cheerfully as if we were planning to meet up and hang out before school. Really the day I become friends with this guy will be the day Ushio, the hall monitor, who takes his job way to seriously in my opinion, looses his head and tries to fall off a roof! Man do you have some gruesome thoughts. Maybe I should watch more My Little Pony.

"And where's that lunch you promised me?" Wheeler back to reality.

"What!? What lunch? What are you talking about!?" I ask my voice unintentionally getting higher with each word. Seriously what the hell is wrong with me? I'm not scared of this guy!

BAM! Ahhhhh… I gape as a fist almost collides to my face and hits the dumpster behind me. Damn it! How does he corner me so easily!

"Yugi! Here I thought we were friends. How am I goin' to eat if I have no lunch!?" Wheeler growls.

"I don't know." I whimper. Damn it! "Maybe you could uh buy some?"

"Or maybe" Wheeler smirks and I don't like it. "You could just lend me some money so I could buy some."

"Uh well… that isn't really what I meant." I mutter sheepishly scratching my chin. Wheeler grabs me by the neck shirt and then slam me back on the metal of the dumpster.

Geez what is with this guy and slamming people to dumpsters!

"Look punk! I know how loaded you and your gramps are being that he's a lead archaeologist and one of the greatest poker players in the world, and your pops owned one of those new big time businesses that you still get a paycheck from? Right?" How the hell did he know this? Shit! Is he stalking me?

"So I don't see how it is you can't have had some extra change in your pocket to give to a poor guy like me who's starving and got nothin' to eat later!" Wheeler finishes.

I just stare at him.

"Hey do'ya have a problem understanding English!" Wheeler shouted at my face and slammed me to the dumpster. Ow! That's going to leave a mark.

Okay this guy's not going to let up, but I'm not going to just hand him my lunch money like that! I mean come on I have to maintain some dignity and pride here!

"Okay! Okay! Here!" I gave him the change Gramps gave me to buy lunch today. Okay maybe I don't have any dignity and pride in me after all.

"Heh!" Wheeler smirked. Man! Is he insufferable! "Well I hafta say I'm disappointed Yugi! That was like taking candy from a baby! I expected so much more!" Are you kidding me!

"Oi Joey! What's going on?" Oh great it's Buffoon #2 coming in the join the party. And sure enough there's Triston Taylor coming around the corner toward us. Now compared to Wheeler, he isn't really so bad. I mean he and I used to do projects together in Middle School and he tries, emphasis on the "tries", to help out and not let me do all the work. He also, unlike Wheeler, attempts to make some civilized conversation with me, when he has to anyway, instead of smashing against a wall and stealing my money, all in all we have a very good non-intimate acquaintance relationship going on. Add Wheeler in the picture though, and well you can't really count on him to be my ally and defender. Today though it seemed he might be my hero.

"What the hell are you doing Joey? I thought you were going to stop picking on the shrimps ever since Kane transferred into the Rintama High School?"

"Now's not the time Taylor! Now are you goin' to help me throw this punk into the dump or are you goin' to stand there tryin' to reform me to your law-abiding ways and shit. Cuz I got news for ya buddy, you're wastin' your time." Wheeler sneered.

And so that's how I ended up in the dumpster that lovely Monday morning. Yeah my first day is going spectacularly! And Taylor really sucks at playing hero.

A/N: I know this chapter needs work. I’m gonna edit. I wrote it a long time ago and I know some things are wrong.

[lovenotereminders]

I survived today, I didn't commit suicide. However, I still feel the need to die because of a past experience. I met this popular artist who offered comfort but then after a while, she started telling people in the fandom we were in to avoid me. She blocked me. I feel like I need to prove myself to her, for she is more popular, and I wish I was better than her. I generally feel hurt about the situation we had. People say she's better at art than me and they're right.

I really wish I wasn't unpopular, I wish people reblogged my art, complemented it, help spread my name, asked me stuff. I wish I was loved like that. I wish to die again because of such a silly reason. I want to be famous, I want to be loved, I want to be admired. My art is the worst thing though, nobody cares about it. They won't care if the artist died or not.

I'm not enough, for the Dazzeloids fandom, for the Self shipping community, for anyone. I'm worthless, I'm just wasting my time drawing. No one loves me.

I’m proud of you for making it through yesterday. When you’re in as bad a state as you were, just getting through the day is a big achievement, and you should be proud of yourself too. 

I’m so sorry that happened to you - you didn’t deserve to be treated that way, and it absolutely wasn’t fair of her to do that. It sounds like the best thing you could try to do would be to stop comparing yourself to her - gently reminding yourself that it’s not a productive thing to do whenever you find yourself doing it and focusing on other things (maybe making a list of things you’ve improved on in terms of your art over the past year or so?). I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s an unhealthy habit that it would probably make you feel better to take some steps towards getting away from it. 

It’s not silly to be hurt by something like what happened to you, and it’s not silly at all to want attention and validation for something you’ve worked hard on. It’s totally normal and natural to want people to like what you’ve made. But it’s also important to remember that the value of your art doesn’t depend on how much others like it, or how much ‘better’ or ‘worse’ it is than anyone else’s art (which is completely subjective), but the fact that it makes you happy to create it, and to see the improvements you’ve made. The only person your art has to be good enough for is you, and the only person worth drawing for is yourself. If you do it because you enjoy it, then the people who appreciate your work will follow, even if it takes time. Like I said before, popularity isn’t necessarily an indicator of how ‘good’ your work is - a lot of what makes people popular isn’t necessarily skill, but luck, especially on platforms like Tumblr. The next Da Vinci might be out in the world somewhere, with nobody knowing about them because they don’t share their art, but that doesn’t diminish their skill or the value of their work to themselves, if they do it because it brings them joy. 

And your worth isn’t only dictated by your popularity, or the perceived, subjective judgement of how ‘good’ your art is. You are worthy as a person regardless of what you do or don’t create, and what reasons you create it for. You are worthwhile and lovable, and that’s inherent to your existence, not a condition of how much you create or the quality of what you create. 

I know it’s difficult to internalise these things, especially in a society that assigns people value based on their productivity, but you deserve to at least try to remember those things, because they’re true, even if it’s difficult to believe them when the bad voices in your brain are telling you the opposite. Sometimes it’s just a case of shouting those affirmations louder than the bad voices. 

Again, I’m really proud of you for making it through yesterday. Keep taking it one day at a time; I promise things get better 💖

[darspeaksout]

Questions & Answers on Writing

Tell us about your WIP! 

        It takes place in the Philippines and follows the story of two friends who are part of the same church, but throughout the story they drift apart. Ten years later, now adults, each is recounting the story to a loved one; one is telling it to his five-year-old daughter while the other to his co-worker.

Where is your favorite place to write?

        My room, at night. 

What is your favorite/least favorite part about writing?

       Favorite - making sense of my own experiences and letting people in on issues they probably don’t think about on a day-to-day basis. I also love creating dialogue. 

       Least favorite - I find it difficult to describe abstract, philosophical concepts that not everyone can easily relate to, such as how a person feels during worship or the spiritual connection one feels simply by sitting inside a church. (My current story has to do with religion so I run into this problem a lot). It’s not so much of a challenge for me to write these experiences for my characters, but when I begin to edit my draft I know I’ll have to find a way to introduce these things in a way that everyone - whether spiritual or not - can appreciate.

Favorite character you’ve written?

       It’s too early to say. 

Favorite/most inspirational book?

       Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. Beautiful prose, eloquent style, solid voice, religious theme. Hands down the best book I have read. 

Describe your writing process

       Everywhere. I’ll start with the opening for the story, then jump all the way to the ending, then I’ll fill in some parts in the middle, and do some touches here, touches there. My process isn’t linear at all, which I think is common for many writers. I also think it’s important to not just stay home all day and lock myself with my laptop; in order to write meaningfully I must also go outside, experience the world, and really feel. Writing isn’t just about putting the right words down on the page, it’s a highly empathetic art - it involves a lot of feeling. That’s why it’s normal for me to be working on my story while simultaneously going on a trip whether nearby in nature, or a city across the world. I also like to read books of authors I admire while working on my project, to study their style and improve my own but also to get away from my own head for a while. 

What does it take for you to be ready to write a book? (i.e. do you research? outline? make a playlist or pinterest board? wing it?)

       What gets me going to write a book is my Idea, and yes - with a capital I. I ask myself, what is my Idea? And why do I want to tell it to the world so badly? This Idea keeps me up at night, is the reason why I’m always so restless, and is what fuels me. For my current story, I’ve had to research places in the Philippines because that’s where my story takes place, and I’ve only lived there for a few years before moving to another country. I have also conducted interviews of girls’ perspectives of being part of religious organizations for my female lead. Traveling also plays a role into how ready I am to tell a story, specifically to describe a location, accurately. I need to make sure I get all the details right, and so for my writing to read as authentic and not forced.

How do you deal with self-doubt when writing?

       Prayer plays a huge role. I start every writing session with a prayer, as I do with each morning before I tackle the day ahead. When I pray, I’m able to calm myself and be in the right mental space to write as honestly as possible. It also reminds me that my talent and passion were given by God, and that even though at times I may doubt myself and in how many people my story will reach, ultimately what I am meant to do with my writing is bigger than any self-doubt. When the love is stronger than the fear, the goal will be accomplished.

What things (scenes/topics/character types) are you most comfortable writing?

       Scenes - heavy with dialogue. Working on my current story, I realize that I feel so at home writing dialogue. Perhaps this is from watching so many Filipino movies, which have the sassiest and most sarcastic characters you could ever come across. That’s why I love crafting villains and power-hungry antagonists. 

       Topics - religion, masculinity, family, platonic relationships

       Character types - the one who struggles with self-acceptance, and worries that others won’t love him if he reveals his true self. 

How do you cope with writer’s block?

       I don’t care what anyone else has said to you; there is no “trick” or “hack” to get over writer’s block. The cure is simple: just write. I think people experience writer’s block often because they’re scared to take on the project in the first place. They’re scared because they don’t yet fully know their story, because they have confidence in this scene but are worried about another, because they don’t know how the people around them will receive it. To combat writer’s block, you really just have to surrender all your worries and just do it. It’s about channeling the drive to sit yourself down at your desk, open your laptop, and write. Write something, even if it’s garbage. Write something, even if you won’t end up using it in the final draft. In the outlining process of my story, for example, I was debating if I should include this whole supernatural element and mythical legend in my story. I spent pages upon pages developing this possible subplot, only to scrap it because I decided it wouldn’t contribute to my story. I didn’t end up using it, but at least I was productive and wrote something! I still persevered even though I felt stuck. And producing content I decided I wasn’t going to use, only gave me a clearer vision of what I did want to use. What’s also key is that you do not stop. Dedicate some time every day to write, depending on what suits your schedule. Don’t miss a day. Even if you’re just going to write two pages of dialogue but don’t have the narrative, just do it! What’s important is that everyday, you’re making progress. 

Any advice for young writers/advice you wish someone would have given you early on?

       You might think that your ideas are crazy and that no one could possibly relate to them, but you’d be surprised. We’re all pretty much the same even though we come from different walks of life; everyone is capable of feeling, empathizing, laughing, crying, getting angry, getting hurt, etc.! So if your characters are doing at least one of those in your story, I guarantee you someone will be able to relate. Just tell your story. 

What aspect of your writing are you most proud of?

       My tenacity and how I never stopped. 

Tell us about the books on your “to write” list

       Hmm... I don’t think about this often because I’m still drafting my first story. But eventually I would like to write a story about two friends who become rivals, as they are driven apart by competition in a prestigious university. 

How do you stay focused on your own work and how do you deal with comparison?

       I’m able to concentrate over long periods of time mainly because of prayer. It also helps that I’m very open with my friends and they support me on my writing journey, so talking about my plans only fuels me even more to write every day. As for comparison - I don’t compare myself to others. Whenever I read another writer’s work, whether they’re a National Bestseller or simply just starting like myself, I ask myself, “what do I like about this piece?” “How can I use some of their techniques and twist them so I can make them my own?” 

Do you like to read books similar to your project while you’re drafting or do you stick to non-fiction/un-similar works?

       Both. Reading books or watching movies - consuming any artistic medium, really - which relate to my specific topic provides some insight into the genre I’m working with, and how much I would like to deviate from the norm. Consuming content that is dissimilar to my story is something I still find to be useful, because it doesn’t matter what kind of writing it is: if it’s good writing, it’s good writing. And it can always teach me something new. For example, I’d say my current story is leaning more towards contemporary young adult, but I just read After Dark by Haruki Murakami, which falls into the genre of magical realism. I went into that book seeking to be entertained and inspired, and I was surprised to see that my story and Murakami’s share similar themes. 

Unpopular writing thoughts/opinions?

       Sometimes, the book isn’t better than the movie.

Post the last sentence you wrote

       “With that, Guang Fu offers me a sympathetic smile and steps into the building. All the way below I can hear a ship’s horn as it leaves the harbor, and the push and pull of the gentle tides.“

Are there any books you feel have shaped you as a writer?

       Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

       Alias Grace - Margaret Atwood

       Crazy Rich Asians (the entire trilogy) - Kevin Kwan

       South of the Border, West of the Sun - Haruki Murakami

What is the first line of your WIP?

       “It was a sunny afternoon in Manila when I dropped my girlfriend off at her house.“

[lilygrants]

Everybody still wondering-- Who’s Su’s dad? Who’s Izumi’s mom?

Did none of you learn from Operation: Beifong and the reveal of Lin’s dad’s identity?

In sum,

1. The answer isn’t necessarily going to be a satisfying one. If you have your heart set on one particular answer, chances are you’ll be disappointed. Theorizing is all well and good, but wedding yourself to any particular theory is just asking to be disappointed.

2. The answer isn’t necessarily going to be an important one. Knowing the identity of Lin’s father changed absolutely nothing about Lin. Lin’s father was a random-ass nobody. That happens sometimes. He had absolutely no relevance to the story, the backstory, Lin’s character arc, Toph’s character arc, or anything else. But the literal SECOND that Lin’s existence was revealed to the public -- the VERY FIRST question people EVER asked about her -- was “Who’s the father?” They might as well have asked what kind of underwear she had on for the good it did! I mean, I blame society. And the glut of other fiction where “who’s your daddy” basically drives the plot. But I sometimes wonder if the writers kicked around the idea of Lin’s dad being a character we’d heard of, like Teo or The Duke (Satoru didn’t yet exist, and Teo is basically Toph’s type-- sweet dorks who are also handy geniuses), but finally decided to make it Nobody McWhothehell  because it ultimately didn’t matter and also the anticlimactic nature of the reveal -- both the manner in which it happened and the utter uselessness of the information -- was genuinely hilarious.

With that being said, here are my theories! Free to good homes! 

I don’t think Sokka is Su’s father, because the things that Su herself says about her father are kinda bleak. Sokka had a super close relationship with his own father, and the Water Tribes prioritize family. (Also, y’know, Suki.) That would make him easily the worst parent in the crew.

[Bonus Unpopular Opinion: I think Aang gets a bad rap from the fandom in this department, because being a busy and distant parent is a common damn flaw with high-stakes jobs and overachiever parents, and just because Bumi and Kya perceive him as loving Tenzin best doesn’t mean he did, just like Tenzin’s perception that Aang took them along on those vacations (or even vacations of their own before he was born, there is a serious age gap between him and Bumi) doesn’t mean he’s right. Seriously, every single damn American President and their spouse up until the 1970s or so is much, much worse than Aang and Katara in this regard, and to say that I really identify with Tenzin when he has to confront the fact that the father he loved is a Real Flawed Individual despite otherwise being a kind, good, and loving person would be one hell of an understatement. You will be a very, very lucky adult (or teenager or child!) if you never experience this particular rite of passage. Think of it like Zuko’s decision to join Azula in Ba Sing Se. It hurts, but only because it’s so real. There’s probably also something to be said here for Aang not having any parents of his own-- as Zuko so rudely points out in the pilot. The only real models he has for fatherhood are Gyatso, who he and Roku explicitly describe as a friend, and Hakoda and Iroh, who -- brace yourselves -- spend a lot of time away from their kids because of their political and professional obligations. By the time Aang really has time to observe them, they’ve both resolved the issues this causes with their kids riiiight when he wasn’t looking, especially since Katara, Sokka, and Zuko have plenty of these obligations of their own.]

Su’s dad is probably another nobody like Kanto.

I have three theories about Izumi’s mom, besides the commonly-accepted idea that it’s Mai. (She might also be a random nobody like Kanto, though. I haven’t discounted that.)

1. It’s Ty Lee. She’s the only character who might have wavy hair! And her suggestive “I’m freezing!!” :D  to Zuko in The Beach when Mai was playing Not Interested was adorable and hilarious.

2. It’s Suki. I genuinely don’t believe this, because the Suki/Zuko hints in the comics are... I want to say, weak? Like, they’re vague and can’t hold a candle to the feelings Suki and Zuko profess for Sokka and Mai. With that being said, I ship it like FedEx (Sokka, you come too).

3. It’s Azula. In this scenario, she’s obviously not Zuko’s biological daughter but his niece that he adopted and raised as his own. Izumi herself may or may not be aware of this. It’s a soapy twist that I don’t actually bank on being true (especially since Izumi has no story relevance at all), but its implications are fun to imagine. I mean, if Zuko just never had a kid of his own, then a child of Azula’s would be the only viable heir to the throne. And while I don’t necessarily buy the idea of Azula going full good guy (mostly because it’d be a waste of such a good bad guy, but also because she’s literally never been set up for it like Zuko was-- she has half his sympathy points and NONE of his good intentions), I do like the idea of her and Zuko finding a detente as adults. Zuko being a lot more pragmatic than his friends,  so long as he could hold Azula to some kind of morality clause, I do think they would make a hell of a political team. Azula seems to be gunning for this as of Smoke and Shadow, staging her last fight with Zuko among the graves of the Fire Lord’s advisors, and Zuko is about the only person she has any respect for. She’s acknowledged him as the true heir, she’s acknowledged that she wants to be the voice in his ear, and if she could get to a point where she could openly acknowledge that she wants him to love her, and actually make an effort to earn a positive regard from him beyond the familial love he feels for her naturally, I could see them having a cordial but fraught relationship based around their mutual desire to promote each other’s best interests. Also known as (dysfunctional) love. And in that scenario, I could see Azula getting to a point where, doubting her own abilities to parent well as a shadowy figure in the Fire Nation’s dark underbelly, she asks her brother to be the one to raise her child, knowing that if Zuko can love her in spite of all the shit she’s put him through, then he’ll love Izumi. And since he did so much better under the care of an uncle than a biological parent, I mean... the precedent’s been set.

Of course, the sheer length of that theory and the number of cogs needed to get it in gear means it’s likely not true. But it’s fun to think about!

[pickledlife]

sometimes you’ve got to be a little bit naughty?

a sermon text on Mark 2:23- 3:6 - Jesus as Lord of the Sabbath....

So we’re on to Week 5 of JSP themes - Prophetic challenge  - and I begin thinking about this enormous, challenging and important topic with a clip form Matilda the musical...

Why?

If I’m honest its because I think kids probably get this idea much better than we do as adults. 

Ever been with a child when they’ve not understood something? 

Ever been with a child who’s loudly proclaimed ‘thats not fair!’?

And if it’s not right…… you’ve got to put it right…..

Children almost instinctively want to know and understand, and they almost instinctively seek out justice (at least they do within the realm of their experience and world view - even if they are still in that face where the world effectively feels to revolve around them!)

Kid’s get prophetic challenge better than adults.

This most mysterious and incredible Spiritual gift, the spiritual gift St. Paul says we are to long for prize above all others, and somehow, I do think children are actually more eager or willing to engage with it with than many more ‘mature’ believers. 

Prophesy is the God-given ability to speak the voice of God into a given situation, often challenging, but also sometimes encouraging, upholding and empowering. It’s the gift Paul prizes so highly because it is the gift which challenges, raises up and calls the whole Church to her true vocation in God. (1 Cor. 14:5)

And yet it’s often unpopular.

It can be especially unpopular in ‘successful’ Churches.

It was unpopular when Jesus exercised this gift towards the pharisees in this morning’s reading, when his prophetic actions questioned the much loved laws of religious purity and appropriate behaviour - or at least questioned the motives of those enforcing them.

According to Mark, it was so unpopular that this questioning was the very act which led the Pharisees to begin their plot to destroy him, such was the potential they saw of Jesus to disrupt the status quo.

So it’s important we understand Jesus’ question - because like so much Jsus does, it wasn’t JUST about the eating of the corn or the healing of the man’s shrivelled hand. It was about the prohibition to engage in those acts simply because of which day of the week it fell on. 

It was about using the rules to prevent the underlying command to love God and love neighbour.

Jesus’ big question is more about how his father’s law has become an object of control rather than of freedom?

And he’s only able to ask this question, because he’s able to see this reality.

He’s only able to see this reality because he’s so unbelievably focused on his Father and his mission that he’s able to see past all the religious infrastructure which is SUPPOSED to be promoting that.

In a similar way, Prophetic challenge for us begins with a commitment to close relationship with God above all other concerns,  and a willingness to look at our own world, experience, culture and context through objective eyes. - What St Paul calls the ‘renewing of our minds’ which connects us to the vision of God’s will. (Rom. 12:2)

[sidebar - culture - Church as the fish who’s only known water - how can it describe or critique that water which so shapes and enables its very life and existence - it knows nothing else? - Similarly can Church leaders always recognise the church culture which surrounds them?Sometimes we ALL need to be willing to challenge our faith traditions as well as the world outside the Church - looking at Jesus’ example it may be even MORE important to challenge within the Church than outside it] 

And that can cause us to ask some pretty difficult questions of that world, culture and context - as we try and engage with the questions Jesus might well have been asking if he were walking our streets? 

Or the people he might be speaking up for - as he did for the disciples and the man with the shrivelled hand.

He might ask us how his Church has gone from a radical community of obedient and repentant disciples to sometimes become an uncritiqued bastion of ‘nice’ people and polite and ‘proper’ behaviour?

He might well sometimes ask me how I’ve done the same, inclined as I often am to leave all apple-carts un-upset.

So a reading of these stories, as well as encouraging us to think about the elements of our culture we should be speaking out against, must leave us also asking who is Jesus would be speaking up for.

Prophetic challenge asks us who’s voice are we - am I - willing to stand up for? How and for whom am I seeking to go beyond the accepted norms in the in interests of justice, healing and reconciliation for all God’s creation?

Prophetic challenge also calls us individually to an ever increasing connection to God and to the values we’re proclaiming within our own behaviour challenging ourselves first above all others (and thus removing the planks from our own eyes before the specks from our brothers and sisters) - because we see in Jesus that his words have power because they’re in keeping with his actions - he’s already been healing the sick, proclaiming healing and reconciliation, even forgiving sins. He has SEEN the needs of the people, and he’s been responding.

Which brings us back to where we said prophetic challenge begins - with seeing things differently.

So my final question is this; What do only you notice - both in Church and in the world around us? What is it which you see as in need of God’s prophetic challenge, healing and reconciliation?

And following on from that, What is it you are called to do in living out Jesus’ prophetic challenge and Call into healing and reconciliation?

‘cos if it’s not right…… you’ve got to put it right…..

Some other thoughts to reflect on: 

Kids - relentless questioning as a contemporary outworking of Jesus’ exhortation to accept the Kingdom of God ‘as a little Child?

Jesus’ every act either proclaims or enacts the Kingdom of God (Brian Zahnd) - wouldn’t it be amazing if we could truly say the same about ourselves and about Church - if we can’t say that who are the voices willing to ask the difficult questions about why not?

Jesus’ challenge works because of authority - which comes from authenticity - he’s been living out this proclamation of freedom already.

[allmannerofnerdery]

So, what kind of music do you like...

The "what kind of music do you like" question is always pretty weird for me, and I get it a lot. I know you didn't ask specifically, but here goes. I can just point to this the next time I'm asked 😆

I listen to composers for the most part, and I like them for their abilities, and not necessarily for a style, sound, or genre. It's why I'm not so much into listening to artists or performers that aren't writing their own music. That's boxed/can recipe vs scratch cooking in my view, and really a separate topic for later.

I can get down with performance-based music sometimes but it's rarely fulfilling for me. I'm not a fan of any band, really. And while this is changing for me lately, pattern-based stuff falls flat most times. I don't hate electronic music, and some people out there are doing amazing things, but it rarely fills me up. I like some singer/songwriters but most are doing more singing than writing these days and this takes me back to the performance-based point. (To be fair, there are tons of older singer/songwriters that I love.)

Saying all of this makes me sound like some kind of music snob so I just kind of duck out of these conversations most times. It's not like I need contemporary jazz to feel like I'm hearing "real music." Some of that is great, some of it is amazing and inspiring, and some of it is just musical wankery of "the language"...ok, now I'm really sounding like a snob.

I love some pop, I love some old funk, vintage R&B is so fun, but man... those aren't my music tastes. I don't go to Streaming Service A and pull up the Genre Channel and expect to be fully satisfied. That's the weirdest thing in the world to me. Saying that I dig Bobby Brown's "Roni" doesn't mean that I  every old 90s R&B song. I certainly wouldn't say that I was an R&B fan. I certainly don't want some algorithm picking out artists/songs like this for me.

I just don't have stylistic preferences in mind when I seek out new music. I kinda don't get these mini genres of mood or feel or synthwave or chip tune or whatever. All of those things are cool, but to me it's like the dining world trends of new pho or ramen or hot pot places. You just want Noodle Dish X, I guess. That's fine. Great. But I'm like, yo, like, who out there legit makes their own broth? How long have they been doing that? That's what I care about. Not the style.

No genre! Cereal! I love video game music and it's kind of a go-to for me, but a lot of it is also total shit! I like it and am interested in it as both a gamer and someone that composes it for a living. I love it for its depth and range and creativity. But I don't love it because it's music from games. This will probably be unpopular with some, but I think that's silly. I love video game music because the people behind it are some of the most creative composers out there. They're quietly making magic year round, and it all stays tucked in the background of some other entertainment form. How cool is that?

I'd guess the assumption would be that I'd only make video game music if my schedule were cleared for the rest of time. Nah. It would be genre-less. Probably ranging from sappy love ballads written for my baritone voice (too many damned tenors in pop music IMO) to sweeping symphonic piano/string super heartstring pull-y instrumentals. I'd write songs about other people's situations. Piano-only musings. I'd score someone's photography. I'd write dog songs.  I'd do anything to dig down creatively and potentially move someone. And that's what I'm also looking for as a listener.

Some people say this and sometimes it's bullshit but for me it's really true -- I don't have a genre or style preference. I'm totally open to anything. But I have super, super strong preferences on the intent, creativity, musicality, and philosophy of the music I listen to. I will listen to anything, but I'll have decided right away if it's something that moved me so much that I'll need to listen to it 35 more times that day before I'm satisfied.

I mean, I guess everyone has a sound that they like. I do too. But that's way less important to me than listening to something that makes me emotional. I want to get choked up. And I suppose 40 years of polished chops going into a guitar solo might could do that, but that's not enough for me. I'm looking for that mastery of music that brings a thousand little elements together to make rare sound magic. Keep your grooves and riffs and hooks. I want to be amazed on every level. I want to feel wholly inadequate as a composer. I want to look up at the sky on a walk later that evening and be like, damn, I need to listen to that again.

Short answer: I like super music-y music. Hyper artistic, creative, emotional music. I'm a huge dork.

[ncmagroup]

TAKE IT FROM THE PROS

1. Focus

“It’s been said that leadership is making important but unpopular decisions. That’s certainly a partial truth, but I think it underscores the importance of focus. To be a good leader, you cannot major in minor things, and you must be less distracted than your competition. To get the few critical things done, you must develop incredible selective ignorance. Otherwise, the trivial will drown you.”

—Tim Ferriss, bestselling author, host of The Tim Ferriss Show 

2. Confidence

“A leader instills confidence and ‘followership’ by having a clear vision, showing empathy and being a strong coach. As a female leader, to be recognized I feel I have to show up with swagger and assertiveness, yet always try to maintain my Southern upbringing, which underscores kindness and generosity. The two work well together in gaining respect.”

—Barri Rafferty, CEO, Ketchum North America

3. Transparency

“I’ve never bought into the concept of ‘wearing the mask.’ As a leader, the only way I know how to engender trust and buy-in from my team and with my colleagues is to be 100 percent authentically me—open, sometimes flawed, but always passionate about our work. It has allowed me the freedom to be fully present and consistent. They know what they’re getting at all times. No surprises.”

—Keri Potts, senior director of public relations, ESPN

4. Integrity

“Our employees are a direct reflection of the values we embody as leaders. If we’re playing from a reactive and obsolete playbook of needing to be right instead of doing what’s right, then we limit the full potential of our business and lose quality talent. If you focus on becoming authentic in all your interactions, that will rub off on your business and your culture, and the rest takes care of itself.”

—Gunnar Lovelace, co-CEO and cofounder, Thrive Market

5. Inspiration

“People always say I’m a self-made man. But there is no such thing. Leaders aren’t self-made; they are driven. I arrived in America with no money or any belongings besides my gym bag, but I can’t say I came with nothing: Others gave me great inspiration and fantastic advice, and I was fueled by my beliefs and an internal drive and passion. That’s why I’m always willing to offer motivation—to friends or strangers on Reddit. I know the power of inspiration, and if someone can stand on my shoulders to achieve greatness, I’m more than willing to help them up.”

—Arnold Schwarzenegger, former governor of California

6. Passion

“You must love what you do. In order to be truly successful at something, you must obsess over it and let it consume you. No matter how successful your business might become, you are never satisfied and constantly push to do something bigger, better and greater. You lead by example not because you feel like it’s what you should do, but because it is your way of life.”

—Joe Perez, cofounder, Tastemade

7. Innovation

“In any system with finite resources and infinite expansion of population—like your business, or like all of humanity—innovation is essential for not only success but also survival. The innovators are our leaders. You cannot separate the two. Whether it is by thought, technology or organization, innovation is our only hope to solve our challenges.”

—Aubrey Marcus, founder, Onnit

8. Patience

“Patience is really courage that’s meant to test your commitment to your cause. The path to great things is always tough, but the best leaders understand when to abandon the cause and when to stay the course. If your vision is bold enough, there will be hundreds of reasons why it ‘can’t be done’ and plenty of doubters. A lot of things have to come together—external markets, competition, financing, consumer demand and always a little luck—to pull off something big.”

—Dan Brian, COO, WhipClip

9. Stoicism

“It’s inevitable: We’re going to find ourselves in some real shit situations, whether they’re costly mistakes, unexpected failures or unscrupulous enemies. Stoicism is, at its core, accepting and anticipating this in advance, so that you don’t freak out, react emotionally and aggravate things further. Train our minds, consider the worst-case scenarios and regulate our unhelpful instinctual responses—that’s how we make sure shit situations don’t turn into fatal resolutions.”

—Ryan Holiday, author of The Obstacle is the Way and former director of marketing, American Apparel

10. Wonkiness

“Understanding the underlying numbers is the best thing I’ve done for my business. As we have a subscription-based service, the biggest impact on our bottom line was to decrease our churn rate. Being able to nudge that number from 6 percent to 4 Percent meant a 50 percent increase in the average customer’s lifetime value. We would not have known to focus on this metric without being able to accurately analyze our data.”

—Sol Orwell, cofounder, Examine.com

11. Authenticity

“It’s true that imitation is one of the greatest forms of flattery, but not when it comes to leadership—and every great leader in my life, from Mike Tomlin to Olympic ski coach Scott Rawles, led from a place of authenticity. Learn from others, read autobiographies of your favorite leaders, pick up skills along the way… but never lose your authentic voice, opinions and, ultimately, how you make decisions.”

—Jeremy Bloom, co-founder, and CEO Integrate

12. Open-mindedness

“One of the biggest myths is that good business leaders are great visionaries with dogged determination to stick to their goals no matter what. It’s nonsense. The truth is, leaders need to keep an open mind while being flexible and adjust if necessary. When in the startup phase of a company, planning is highly overrated and goals are not static. Your commitment should be to invest, develop and maintain great relationships.”

—Daymond John, CEO, Shark Branding and FUBU

13. Decisiveness

“In high school and college, to pick up extra cash I would often referee recreational basketball games. The mentor who taught me how to officiate gave his refs one important piece of advice that translates well into the professional world: ‘Make the call fast, make the call loud and don’t look back.’ In marginal situations, a decisively made wrong call will often lead to better long-term results and a stronger team than a wishy-washy decision that turns out to be right.”

—Scott Hoffman, owner, Folio Literary Management

14. Personableness

“We all provide something unique to this world, and we can all smell when someone isn’t being real. The more you focus on genuine connections with people, and look for ways to help them—rather than just focus on what they can do for you—the more likable and personable you become. This isn’t required to be a great leader, but it is to be a respected leader, which can make all the difference in your business.”

—Lewis Howes, New York Times bestselling author of The School of Greatness

15. Empowerment

“Many of my leadership philosophies were learned as an athlete. My most successful teams didn’t always have the most talent but did have teammates with the right combination of skills, strengths and a common trust in each other. To build an ‘overachieving’ team, you need to delegate responsibility and authority. Giving away responsibilities isn’t always easy. It can actually be harder to do than completing the task yourself, but with the right project selection and support, delegating can pay off in dividends. It is how you truly find people’s capabilities and get the most out of them.”

—Shannon Pappas, senior vice president, Beachbody LIVE

16. Positivity

“In order to achieve greatness, you must create a culture of optimism. There will be many ups and downs, but the prevalence of positivity will keep the company going. But be warned: This requires fearlessness. You have to truly believe in making the impossible possible.”

—Jason Harris, CEO, Mekanism

17. Generosity

“My main goal has always been to offer the best of myself. We all grow—as a collective whole—when I’m able to build up others and help them grow as individuals.”

—Christopher Perilli, CEO, Pixel Mobb

18. Persistence

“A great leader once told me, ‘persistence beats resistance.’ And after working at Facebook, Intel, and Microsoft and starting my own company, I’ve learned two major lessons: All great things take time, and you must persist no matter what. That’s what it takes to be a leader: willingness to go beyond where others will stop.”

—Noah Kagan, Chief Sumo, app sumo

19. Insightfulness

“It takes insight every day to be able to separate that which is really important from all the incoming fire. It’s like wisdom—it can be improved with time if you’re paying attention, but it has to exist in your character. It’s inherent. When your insight is right, you look like a genius. And when your insight is wrong, you look like an idiot.”

—Raj Bhakta, founder, WhistlePig Whiskey

20. Communication

“If people aren’t aware of your expectations, and they fall short, it’s really your fault for not expressing it to them. The people I work with are in constant communication, probably to a fault. But communication is a balancing act. You might have a specific want or need, but it’s super important to treat work as a collaboration. We always want people to tell us their thoughts and ideas—that’s why we have all these very talented people working with us.”

—Kim Kurlanchik Russen, partner, TAO Group

21. Accountability

“It’s a lot easier to assign blame than to hold yourself accountable. But if you want to know how to do it right, learn from financial expert Larry Robbins. He wrote a genuinely humble letter to his investors about his bad judgment that caused their investments to falter. He then opened up a new fund without management and performance fees—unheard of in the hedge fund world. This is a character. This is accountability. It’s not only taking responsibility; it’s taking the next step to make it right.”

—Sandra Carreon-John, senior vice president, M&C Saatchi Sport & Entertainment

22. Restlessness

“It takes real leadership to find the strengths within each person on your team and then be willing to look outside to plug the gaps. It’s best to believe that your team alone does not have all the answers— because if you believe that, it usually means you’re not asking all the right questions.”

—Nick Woolery, global director of marketing, Stance Socks

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    TAKE IT FROM THE PROS…     22 Qualities That Make a Great Leader TAKE IT FROM THE PROS 1. Focus “It’s been said that leadership is making important but unpopular decisions.

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Why I Love Cardi B’s Relationship Advice to Khloé Kardashian

http://fashion-trendin.com/why-i-love-cardi-bs-relationship-advice-to-khloe-kardashian/

Why I Love Cardi B’s Relationship Advice to Khloé Kardashian

The dust is just now settling on the Tristan Thompson cheating scandal. You know the one: Cameras caught Thompson running around on girlfriend Khloé Kardashian with multiple women mere moments before she was set to give birth to their daughter, True.

In the immediate aftermath of the scandal, it seemed like everyone had the same opinion: She’s gotta leave him. My best friend and I exchanged new evidence for this course of action constantly over the next few days: The Cleveland Cavaliers’ hometown crowd booed one of its own when Thompson stepped on court for his first game after the very public spectacle unfolded; the Kardashians are reportedly no longer fond of Thompson; and Kim recently unfollowed him on Instagram. But I was so caught up in passing judgment on the situation, especially when it appeared Khloé would stay with him (!), that I hadn’t even considered that the decision might not be black and white. That is, until Cardi B spoke some truth.

Right after the scandal, Cardi B appeared on a radio show to promote her new album. The host asked her if she had any words of wisdom to impart for Khloé — after all, Cardi B had just weathered a cheating scandal of her own with fiancé Offset, and, like Khloé, she was about to become a new mother. Cardi B’s words for Khloé were wise: “Do what your heart feel like doing,” she said. “At the end of the day, everybody wanna act like they date deacons and pastors and their relationship is perfect… You don’t know what type of things going on in their relationship… Let them work things out.”

It can be easy to categorize relationship decisions as right or wrong. Good or bad. Wise or foolish. But although I was once a girl hung up on rules like these, and then a woman overly concerned with how I should behave in relationships, I’ve come to an uncomfortable truth: Relationships are an almost entirely gray area, full of mistakes and forgiveness, built on learning, hard choices and, often, making decisions no one else understands.

But in the end, as long as they’re safe and in control of their situation, who can say they’re wrong?

I’ve met women who have seemingly safe and stable relationships. These couples are often held up as examples by dating coaches (and moms), and they’re the ones who can say that “what they heard was true:” “When it’s right, it’s easy” or, “Wait for the one who loves you more.” But for every woman with a seemingly seamless love, I’ve met one walking a different path. Sometimes, these other women have one person they just can’t quit. Sometimes they “stay” when everyone tells them they should leave. These women make controversial, frequently unpopular choices. But in the end, as long as they’re safe and in control of their situation, who can say they’re wrong? Not all love is a straight line.

I once interviewed a married woman in her mid-thirties who told me about her decision to stay in a relationship many others questioned. Why? It was simple, she told me: because she wanted to. She’d just come off of a divorce where she did everything “right.” She’d married the man “who loved her more,” the pursuer type who wouldn’t let her say no. She swore she’d never marry again. “I was so disappointed the first time,” she told me.

But then she met the guy who other people didn’t like. He wouldn’t label their relationship. He was her boss. The relationship had hair on it. But she stayed. “We are best friends,” she said. “He listens to me, without judgment, and doesn’t look down on me. He pushes me to be better and to grow, but still respects me for me.” He is far different than the guy who wouldn’t let her say no and much closer to her personal ideal. More problem-plagued on the surface, but, to her, a much better fit.

One of my good friends stayed in a situation not dissimilar to Khloé’s, where infidelity was an early problem. Many told her to leave, but she stayed. And over the course of a couple years, I’ve watched the relationship stabilize. I can see that she fought for them, and so did he. She committed to showing him the meaning of true partnership, one where you don’t get to check out or leave. He responded to it, and I’ve never seen them happier.

Of course, there’s a time and place to listen to others — especially when friends and family see sides of your partner that you cannot. Sometimes when you’re in the middle of a toxic relationship, love can skew your perspective enough to miss deep incompatibilities or character flaws. Several outside voices with the same observations can give you insights into the strength and viability of your relationship.

But sometimes you can see someone, flaws and all, and choose to carry on. I have several friends — in their twenties, thirties and forties respectively — who “stayed” despite commitment-phobia, trouble with labels and not wanting to settle down too soon after a divorce. All were told to leave by friends and family; they saw rocky, frustrating beginnings with arguments and breakups peppered in. But they also saw something in the other they truly wanted. And they’re all now married.

When I was writing my book on relationships, I meditated on a lot of psychologists’ work, past and present. I was especially drawn to theories and ideas that seemed to jive with trends I’ve witnessed IRL, and one such theme was women who shirked the rules and chose complicated love. In Esther Perel’s latest book about infidelity, she notes that the old relationship establishments don’t apply for many modern couples.

“Strange as it may seem, affairs have a lot to teach us about marriage—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to”

“Strange as it may seem, affairs have a lot to teach us about marriage—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to,” she writes. “Often when a couple comes to me in the wake of an affair, it is clear to me that their first marriage is over. So I ask them: Would you like to create a second one together?” She claims how we “metabolize transgressions” may “determine the quality of our future connections.” Is perhaps choice what defines love better than perfection?

Psychologist Abraham Maslow studied personal growth in the 1940s, 50s and 60s. He found that people who exhibit growth have important and similar characteristics, like the ability to be unpopular if their choices do not align with majority opinion, as well as listening to their own inner voice instead of adopting the views of tradition, authority or the general public. In the context of relationships, I see this frequently: Some make choices others told them not to make — never for shock value, but because they believed it was right for them. Because they wanted to.

I don’t know what decision Khloé will make for love, and I’d never condone Tristan Thompson’s behavior in the context of a monogamous relationship. But I’m not going to pretend to understand what’s best for her, either. The choice to love or not is hers. The choice is also yours, and mine.

Ultimately, I believe in Cardi B’s simple advice: Do what your heart feels like doing. In a universe with no “shoulds” or “right ways” or rules, with a backdrop colored in shades of gray, sometimes the heart knows the path best of all.

Feature photo by John Parra/Telemundo/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images.