#songs to have violent traumatic flashbacks to :

[wangxianficfinder]

Mafia / Cop / Detective / Thief

~*~

Cop/Detective

When a Bird Flies, It Leaves Feathers by Bem_Kofi (Not Rated, 75k, WangXian, Modern AU, XuanLi, Police, Police Officer LWJ, Medical Examiner WWX, Minor Character Death)

Keep Track of Losing Days by giraffeter (T, 74k, WangXian, NieLan, Modern AU, Case Fic, Police, Missing Persons, Getting Together, Flashbacks, Detective LWJ, antifa WWX, Angst with a Happy Ending, Sharing a Bed, First Meetings, Seattle, Mutual Pining, nonfatal car accident, mafia wens, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers)

🧡 CSI: Gusu Edition Series by Stratisphyre (M, 39k, WangXian, WWX & LQR, Modern with Magic AU, College AU, Golden Core Reveal, Single parent WWX, Good Uncle LQR, Hospitalization, Allusions to violence and murder)

medium blues by darkterrible (E, 193k, WangXian, Modern AU, Horror, Spooky, Opposites Attract, Fluff and Angst, Gore, Ghosts, Necromancy, Mojo’s post)

Detective, please. by Pitycup_hearts (T, 124k, WangXian, XueXiao, Modern AU, Paranormal, Detectives, paranormal unit, csi, Crime Fighting, Ghosts, Fluff, Angst and Humor, Thriller, WY doesn't die this time, OOC, plot heavy)

🧡 Where's Your Emergency? by trippednfell (M, 64k, WangXian, 911 Dispatcher WWX, Single dad LWJ, Kid fic, Modern AU, D&D Games, Angst with a happy ending)

Torch Song at Nightless City by ArcadianMaggie (M, 11k, WangXian, Film Noir, Detective LWJ, Singer WWX, 1940s, Chinatown, San Francisco, Murder Mystery, Noir, Modern with Magic)

hey now by mellowflicker (E, 8k, WangXian, Modern AU, Detective LWJ, Mutual Pining, Hurt WWX, Hurt/Comfort, a sprinkle of, Gloves, Major Character Injury)

Good For Betting by ana_cp (E, 16k, WangXian, Modern AU, Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV) Fusion, fake date, Police, Getting Together, Fluff and Smut, Humor, Oblivious WWX, Mutual Pining, Idiots in Love, Co-workers, Police Officer WWX, Police Officer LWJ, POV Alternating, Blow Jobs, Top WWX, Bottom LWJ, Horny WWX)

critical path analysis by chinxe (T, 14k, WangXian, Modern AU, Police, Brooklyn Nine-Nine AU, Pining, Misunderstandings, wwx and lwj are simultaneously the smartest and densest detectives)

Everything’s glacial shine by letterando (T, 3k, WangXian, JC & WWX, WWX & WQ, Modern AU, Bar Room Brawl, Alcohol, Comfort, Fluff, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Pre-Relationship) - modern mundane AU, featuring the Yunmeng Jiang as gentrified river hicks given to daredevil stunts and barroom brawling. Detective LWJ keeps having to drag WWX off in handcuffs, a ritual both enjoy altogether too much. (The author hints at such a rich backstory, with traumatic military service standing in for the Sunshot Campaign, that I hope they someday continue this universe.)

Mafia

LAOZU (1989) by Machinebender (E, 33k, WangXian, Andrey/Goncharov, Modern AU, Fix-It, Post-Canon Fix-It, Organized Crime, 1980s Shanghai Triads AU, Angst, Oblivious WWX, Goncharov fusion)

Loyalty and Betrayal by VkShinkarenko (E, 100k, WIP, WangXian, Modern AU, Detectives, Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe mafia, Fluff and Smut, Slow Build, Developing Relationship, Spies & Secret Agents, Falling In Love, Domestic Fluff, POV Multiple, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Blood and Gore, Heavy Angst, graphic description of violence, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Time, Love Confessions, Explicit Sexual Content, also on Wattpad, Lealdade e Traição by VkShinkarenko)

🧡 Rule Number One: Never get attached. by KizuKatana (E, 130k, WangXian, Modern AU, A/B/O, Criminal underworld AU, Fluff and angst, Crime boss LWJ, Rouge criminal genius WWX, Explicit Sex)

Miscalculated Misreckoning by LadyVamp (E, 5k, WangXian, Modern AU, Organized Crime, Attempted Kidnapping, Murder Husbands, Blood and Violence, Violent Sex, Married WangXian, BAMF LWJ, BAMF WWX, YLLZ WWX, Hair-pulling, Office Sex, Desk Sex, Dark LWJ, Protective LWJ, Dark WWX, Partners in Crime, Gun Violence, Gun Kink, Crime Syndicate Qíshān Wēn Sect, Arranged Marriage, Crime Lord LWJ, Crime Lord WWX)

Say What's In This Drink? by Pancho (E, 2k, WangXian, Established Relationship, Gun Violence, Violence, Mild Blood, Dark LWJ, Organized Crime, Murder, Crime Boss LWJ)

herd 'em like cattle by mdzsed (E, 3k, WangXian, Modern AU, Blood and Violence, Torture, Murder, Mutilation, Blood and Gore, Age Difference, dark LWJ, Older LWJ, Mafia Boss LWJ, Kidnapped WWX, Date Rape Drug/Roofies, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Attempted Sexual Assault, Guns, Sexual Assault, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat)

Due Process by Kytrin, Mslead (E, 279k, WangXian, XiChengSang, Poly Junior Quartet, Modern AU, Foxxian, dragonji, Genderfluid WWX, WWX identifies as male, Organized Crime, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, mentions of child abuse, Angst with a Happy Ending, Found Family, Reincarnation)

Take Some Advice Paesano by FeelsForBreakfast (M, 8k, wangxian, modern, mob au, mafia the 🤡 version, humor, mistaken identity, getting together)

You & Me Baby, We'll Eclipse The Sun Series by 2501987 (M/E, 130k, WangXian, XiCheng, MIND THE TAGS, Modern AU, Mafia, Murder husbands, Torture, Possessive Behavior, Blood and Violence, Older JC, Younger WWX, Hurt/Comfort, Dark)

of demons and the good they bring by mimi123meg (M, 1k, WangXian, Modern AU, Mob, Crime Boss LWJ, BAMF WWX, BAMF LWJ, BAMF JC, Slight Violence, not too graphic, but definitely there, Established Relationship)

You Only Die Twice by Mikkeneko (T, 11k, WangXian, Modern AU, Assassins/Spies, Assassins & Hitmen, Mafia AU, Action, Moderate Violence, a lot of people die but no named characters, not exactly lan sect friendly, not exactly lan sect critical either, Assassin LWJ, Kindergarten Teacher WWX, coffee shop meet cute, Let LWJ Say Fucks, lightly cracky, Non-Linear Narrative)

Thief

disappear like smoke by jade token (jianghu) (T, 10k, ZhuiYi, Modern AU, Detectives, Thieves, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Meitantei Conan | Detective Conan References, Secret Identity, Pre-Relationship, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Crossdressing, First Meetings)

The Weight Of A Badge by Pancho (M, 19k, wangxian, 1920s au, femme fatale, genderfluid WWX, cat burglar WWX, detective LWJ, mob au, death, guns, violence, implied/referenced incest, QS lives, pining, YLLZ WWX, angst w happy ending)

(i've got) trouble in mind by seularen (E, 76k, wangxian, JGY/LXC, modern w magic, heist au, thief WWX, forger LWJ, consigliere JGY, epistolary, long-distance relationship, d/d elements, Canon wangxian kinks, happy ending)

Crime & Chaos by NebulusCharlie (Not Rated, 24k, WangXian, Crime AU, Modern AU)

~*~

[lilweaselhub]

Okay so no one asked---but time for me to randomly be feral about Spinel. I don't plan on making this SUPER coherent or anything mostly because I've been running on fumes for a MINUTE now.

But recently, I was asked what I think the difference is between good spinel content and bad spinel content and well thats a loaded question.

Before I say ANYTHING about anything for anyone who reads this, I would like to preface;

These are my personal opinions on her character and I really don't care too much if you agree or disagree. Whatever makes you happy is fine with me. You can disagree and be entitled to that opinion.

That being said; I'm just going to come right out and cut to the chase before we even get started.

I don't like how the Steven Universe movie ended. I don't think Spinel going with the Diamonds was a good idea && Spinel in SU future was a major let down for me.

There. if you don't like ^^^^ that statement right there && if you don't think you can handle someone disagreeing with how she was handled I'd stop right here.

For anyone else; Allow me to explain.

When Spinel is introduced in the movie, it is immedietly clear that she is no typical adversary of the crystal gems. Shes incredibly cunning, and actually acknowledges steven as his own person. -&& seeks vengence anyway.

Despite KNOWING steven is a stranger.

Something we don't see in any other gem that the crystal gems go up against from homeworld. I'd argue this makes Spinel one of the SMARTEST gems we see.

The other thing thats immedietly apparent is just how VIOLENT and ANGRY she is. Her entire song 'other friends' gives the audience immediate insight that she knew pink diamond and knew pink PERSONALLY. She has a very personal vendetta, and is lashing out.

now im not going to analyse every single scene in this movie. I'm far too tired for that. Besides, we know it by heart by now. Everyones done it. But all of this to SAY-; what many people have pointed out is that Pink was akin to Spinels favored person, something a lot of people who struggle with mental illness have.

ESPEICALLY those with BPD, something that has been near universally agreed on with her.

During the first half of the movie, leading up to the garden flashback. We get to see Spinel as she was made--; before she was traumatized. How she was initially. Happy, bubbly, fun loving, and sweet. In my mind, this always was reminiscent of an allegory for childhood innocence.

A type of innocence one has before the real world hits them before they experience heartbreak, trauma, or real raw grief. Spinel in her beginning was NAIVE, and had no idea that Pink Diamond did not have the same undying loyalty and love that Spinel herself was programmed with.

Spinels feelings were not mutual, but she was too innocent at the time to really SEE This. She was too naïve and optimistic. During this time she was very much mentally like a young child.

Time passing && the garden itself dying could even be an allegory for the death of ones childhood innocence and wonder.

What being abandoned by pink can really be alikened to with Spinel is the experience of TRAUMA. Something that udoubtedly TRANSFORMS a person---; Much like in the movie. (That whole anime girl transformation as out of left field as it is, kind of makes a lot of sense to be emphasized. Its getting a point across.)

Trauma PERMENANTLY changes a person. For better or worse.

In spinels case--; it could be seen as a metaphor for trauma, and the effect it has on someones mental health. The Childhood innocence dying and growing up after experience significant trauma.

Spinel post transformation && in the very beginning / climax of the movie is much less naive. Much more cunning, and carries herself much older than when she was first created. While Spinel in the beginning was reminiscent of a young 8-10 year old child, spinel now reads more as a rebellious older teen to young adult. She does not have that mentality of a child anymore. She's impulisve, shes cunning, shes sarcastic and shes mad as hell.

Spinels trauma not only mentally changed who she was as a person--it PHYSICALLY altered her. It changed her entire person. This is what trauma DOES. this is what experiencing all the grief and negative experiences of growing up DOES to you.

Abandoned, forgotten and spiteful, Spinel sets her sights on steven && co in a last ditch effort to get her version of closure---revenge on those that wronged her and threw her away like garbage.

I would easily argue that the climax of this movie is were Spinel's character SHINES the most. This in my opinion, is one place where the movie SUCCEEDS where Future FAILS.

In the climax of the movie, we really see the moments that clinch that BPD allegory. The Back and Forth between her emotional impulse to spiral and lash out, and the desire to be better. It doesn't shy away from showing the UGLY and sometimes AGGRESSIVE symptoms of mental illness. But it doesn't necessarily villainize her.

Steven himself realizes that Spinel is not thinking logically, she's lashing out and letting emotions DRIVE her impulses.

It shows her as she is now, flawed, impulsive, and hurting.

" Why? Why do I wanna hurt you SO badly??"

" When you change, you change for the better---when I change I change for the WORSE."

" At least you liked the old me--"

Spinel herself acknowledges that she's changed. That experience has Permanently changed who she is, the person she once was is gone. She is mourning not only the relationship she had but the person she once WAS.

Now;------After this point in the movie is where I start having gripes. As spinel is shown through most of the movie as such a dynamic, interesting character and actual RAW representation for people who STRUGGLE to be a good person after what they went through. Individuals with UGLY symptoms and sometimes SCARY symptoms of mental illness.

Things that are strongly stigmatized in this society we live in. It was refreshing to have a character SHOW this side of mental illness and still be treated like a person, and not a MONSTER.

&& Before I start this next section, let me preface by saying i am ALL about healing journeys. 100%. I would love for Spinel to be happy, I want her to find a place to find her own and feel safe.

That being said, I want healing journeys for a character to be realisitc. I don't want a FIXED character, I want a REAL character. A character that feels like a person. A real one. Not sunshine and rainbows and a "love fixes me" type. (Ty @veroxins for verbalizing what i never quite could with her arc.)

Unfortunately that is EXACTLY what ends up happening to Spinel though. Suddenly it feels as though they run out of an idea for how to continue her arc. && At the end of the movie they decide that the diamonds finding her amusing and bringing her back up to homeworld would be the best course of action.

&& I'd argue that at this point in the movie spinel's characterization already starts seeming odd / contradictory comparative to what we JUST saw. && this only continues with her appearance in future.

Suddenly Spinel is Happy, bubbly and kinda...naive again isn't she?

Spinel in future (and partially at the end of the movie) is kind of reverted back to her old persona. The diamonds 'love' fixes her.

" Steven: Wait a second, you used to have vengeful thoughts. Oh, yeah! But I don't get 'em anymore. Steven: How did you make them stop? I met a little someone named "Steven Universe"! And he told me ♫ IIIII- I CAN MAKE A CHANGE! ♫ "

Whats worse than that in my opinion, is that not only do they take this representation away---and make the case that love just 'fixes' a person and puts them back to how they were--but they make spinel a joke.

They didn't even have her take stevens on struggles seriously or have them relate to each other in any meaningful way.

I like many others, hated peridots treatment for this very reason.

Not to mention--- a very important point. After all this time emphasizing how absolutely UNHEALTHY and TOXIC the power dynamic was between Pink Diamond and Spinel. WHY on earth would putting her right back in that power dynamic (x3 mind you), be condusive to her healing? At all?

I'll tell you---it wouldn't be. She's put right back in the position of being ENTERTAINMENT, a TOY. && Not being even given the CHANCE to discover her own personality, who she is now, or hell--who she ever was outside of pink.

I noticed that a lot of peoples fixation and interest in spinel greatly reduced after the future airing and I really don't think thats a coincidence.

&& AGAIN i have to PREFACE. ;I want spinel to get better. I do.

I have no issues with that.

But trauma permenately changes someone. Thats just how it functions. Spinel is not going to just go back to how she was before her trauma. && I think it sends a more powerful message for her healing to have her find a place as she is now, and be loved for her flaws and all, while making a conscious effort to be better.

For it not to be just a quick fix, and shes back to how she was, but to have her come to terms with the new her, and find a way to reinvent herself, with her flaws and still be loved as she is. Even if she still slips up from time to time. Because mental illness is not a straight and narrow road. it has its ups, it has its downs. you get better, you relapse and then you pick up the pieces again and keep going.

Tdlr; All of that to say. Spinel is a character that was REALLY important to me, a character that showed ugly mental illness symptoms, and didn't glorify or villainize it. A character that wasn't nice or tied up in a bow, but deserved to be loved, and deserved to have the chance to be her own person.

Outside of the diamonds, outside of pink, outside of her TRAUMA. and she never got the chance. She deserved better.

Also---sassy, chaotic, morally grey spinel is just superior in general. She's the goat and i want her back. rn.

[yourannabellee]

Had a small procedure on a scar yesterday.

Right before the procedure, as the area grew numb from the cream he put on it, the surgeon left the room getting the scalpel and tongs and things- I had this flash back to a really traumatic violent memory. The memory of my ex’s brother drunkenly punching him so hard that he broke his jaw in 3 places, leaving him bloody and incoherent on the ground. I have a song about this - ‘saltine cracker girl’

It was probably 4am. All of us were drunk but none to the level that his brother, an army vet who has presumably done unmentionable shit overseas, was. I remember screaming and punching him in the face after he knocked out my ex, and crying out for help in a way that felt primal- The memory came flooding in, my hands got really sweaty. This old memory I hadn’t thought about for many many years, probably came through because I remember the months following that night, where my ex’s whole jaw was numb and his teeth were wired shut for 3 months. The stink of blood built up in his mouth. Then surgeries. I sat in the chair in this sunny office having a full fledged flashback. Originally went to get this scar removed that I’ve had for years. Hated it. Probably not that noticeable. But as he was cutting me open the surgeon found a weird growth of some kind. I think it was that memory. Extracted.

[pandasmagorica]

First watch: DNA Says Love You

Okay, first let me say I enjoyed this and recommend it. It's not perfect. It's a bit slow, and some plot points and side characters take a long time to come back to. I felt the chemistry between the two leads developed well over time. There is a lead role for a character who is part of a sexual minority we rarely get to see at all, let alone in a lead role. There is both queer pain and queer joy. There is a touch of fantasy, although it is not completely developed. There is a strong female supporting character who, while she loves one of the leads, never turns evil when she can't have him (although she does make one misstep).

But there was plenty of light moments and leavening humor, an established gay couple, and lots of food and scenery porn.

Content warnings: Suicide attempt, possible suicide contemplation, major medical decision made for a child without the child's consent, bullying, gay panic (non-violent), sexual minority phobia, outing, pronoun issues in the English subtitles (but not the original spoken script).

I was mildly unhappy with the subtitles. Typos were plentiful and there was an issue with gender (details after the jump).

See also my mid-watch thoughts and COVID masking in DNA Says Love You posts.

Spoilers follow

Childhood friends Le, Yu-He, and Wen-Wen were inseparable until Wen-Wen was whisked away overseas by her parents. Ten years later, Le wonders where Wen-Wen is. A moment later, Amber enters the cafe where Le and Yu-He work. He reports that he has just returned from overseas.

The timing is a little too obvious. We as audience are clearly meant to understand that male Amber and female Wen-Wen are the same person ten years apart. If it's not clear to some of us at the start, the show continues to drop bigger and bigger hints. Eventually, Amber absentmindedly sings a song the three of them wrote as kids and Yu-He catches him and confronts him about his identity. She proceeds to out him to Le, who reacts badly that he feels he has been deceived.

A lot of things we learn from flashbacks. Apparently, some viewers are not fans of flashbacks. I personally love them as they allow me to recontextualize what I have seen. I feel they were well-used in this series, although the timing of some of them were odd.

I initially thought Amber was a transman, and that the family left Taiwan after Amber came out to his parents as male. However, it appears that Wen-Wen, after initially being thought to be female and raised as such, was discovered to be genetically male and was taken to the UK to be medically affirmed (not sure this is the right word - that's more of a trans term) as male and re-socialized to be male. It is not clear how much say Wen-Wen had in this decision - likely not much - but clearly it was traumatic for them to be uprooted from their friendships.

Not sure what pronoun to use here. I'm a cis queer male and I don't know how the character identifies or how voluntarily that identification was. We don't really get enough information about Wen-Wen/Amber's transition.

As a side note, Amber is a strange name choice for someone transitioning to male, as it's a female name. I'm guessing that's an error on the part of the writing team.

I'm also not happy with how the translators handled this transition. Spoken Mandarin pronouns do not distinguish for gender, but English pronouns do. So sometimes in seems that Wen-Wen/Amber was being misgendered. He was, sometimes, in the subtitles, but not in the spoken script.

There was at least one other gender error in the subtitles when referring to one of the other characters.

There was a bit of a fantasy element with regard to the hunt for a mysterious temple. In one episode they hunted for it and wound up going in circles. But it never appears.

A reasonable complaint about the series is that Wen-Wen/Amber likely didn't have any choice in his transition. I am given to understand this is also true of most intersex transitions in real life, although the intersex community is working to change that. I'll say that this is not an area that I am knowledgeable about and that if you want to know more, seek out writing by the intersex community in print and on the internet.

What I do know is that over my long lifetime, mainstream queer content went from the queers nearly always die in the end to the queers rarely die. Ann Bannon, when writing her classic Beebo Brinker novels had to leave Beebo unhappy at the end and her female lover in the arms of a man. Gay-themed films ended unhappily at best and tragically at worst. Side gay characters often died, for example in Francois Truffaut's The Last Metro.

Eventually, there were more films with gay characters and happy endings started to appear. There was Will and Grace on TV.

We are starting to see well-rounded trans characters in QL: Mae in 3 Will Be Free is an outstanding example of a major character who has a clear vision of herself and a major impact on the plot, even if she loses the men who accept her for who she is. There are other smaller trans roles appearing now in QL and I hope the trend continues. While Only Friends left a bad taste in my mouth, at least Yo's story ends well. And there is a happy trans member of a couple in The Warp Effect and one in Not Me. And a happy (mostly - there is some bullying) non-binary character in Secret Crush on You. All of these shows are Thai.

To me, the biggest problem with this show's handling of the intersex subplot is not that Amber has no choice in his transition, but that there is a total lack of intersex stories. It's a big step forward that Amber is a main character, and we need to have more stories, including stories of intersex characters who get to choose their future. It's too much to ask one story to be perfect, but it's not to much to ask there to be more and varied stories.

Let me correct that. I was not happy they chose to have the one intersex character attempt suicide when their love object panicked about their relationship. (Similarly, having side character gayly coupled Li contemplate suicide - at least that's how I read the scene - was over the top.) That's too close to the historic tragic gay narrative. I would hope we get over that. It wouldn't be an issue if it were one of dozens of narratives, most of which didn't include attempted suicide, but it's not.

The side couple of Li and Gwan was handled a bit lackluster, but it was nice to see their domesticity.

In all, I recommend this series, but be aware of its shortcomings going into it.

[cboffshore]

surprise! the ( sick and festering ) enabler anon returns with a QOTD! maybe one day i’ll put the enabler in my tumblr bio if i ever decide to do a funny scooby doo villain mask reveal.

anywho, onto the ask! i’ve asked this question before about OSSAS, but on regards to the new fic; any songs that come to mind that you’d like to share when it comes to writing it? i’m a little bit crazy on song analysis ☺️ hope your day has been good!!

Welcome back! I'm horrible with reading bios (like, I maybe do it ONCE when I follow someone and basically never again) but I'll have to keep an eye out 👀

Anyway! ALA songs! That's subject to change with each chapter, as my writing music is VERY rarely consistent, but for now I can take you through the four songs used or implied in c1:

"Baby Annihilation" by Fall Out Boy - that's our title track! I chose that because the lyric "what is there between us if not a little annihilation?" fits Jay and Nya's relationship pretty nicely, if sarcastically. seriously, they NEVER catch a break! All of their milestones center on some kind of destruction. That lyric also works for what they'll get up to in C2, which is the primary reason I chose it.

"Cryptozoology" by Patrick Stump - this is where I got the chapter name from! Something about the entire Soul Punk album strikes me as very Jay-ish, and "Cryptozoology" is a hidden track on that album, which is kind of fun. As with in-universe knowledge of Skybound, you only know it's there if you have VERY specific information available (although this song is much, much easier to find - it's just bundled with another one and presented as an 8 minute track with no interruption - and definitely not traumatic or time-rending). It's also just a fun track. Lyrically, this one touches on self-confidence and bizarre happenings. This entire track is a good fit for what I want to do here when it comes to Jay's Skybound recovery, but I like the second verse and chorus for that especially:

3. "Catastrophe!" by The Fold has the added bonus of being at least reasonably canon, thanks to the band showing up in the SOG finale. And also in prison at some point. (Ask me about how The Fold's existence in-universe also supports the existence of Fall Out Boy sometime!) Anyway! This is the one that triggers Jay's flashback, which is appropriate, because its lyrics have mild shades of classic Jay angst post-traumatic panic attacks. Granted, I'm trying to AVOID that trend, but the song was too good to pass up. Also, the guitar screech I mention is real, albeit VERY quiet. It catches me off guard if my volume is too high, though, so I thought it would work for Jay.

4."BREAKDOWN" by Tessa Violet is the track Jay shuffles to to get out of his own head. In terms of sound, it's a big jump from "Catastrophe!" - it starts with a bouncy, casual, almost understated beat that doesn't get intense til later in the song. "Catastrophe!" is intense right away. Lyrically, it's about violent recovery - not violent as in painful, just loud and confident, a Gerard Way style "in the face of extermination, say fuck you" anthem. It's also got some of the hand imagery from Skybound that I love so much.

Anyway - nice to see you in the inbox again! Best believe I'll be trying to figure out who you are :)

[us-the-voices-and-more-voices-2]

online oversight is so real.

lyrics

[Verse 1] The year’s 2009 And I’m unsupervised On the internet Nothing could go wrong, I bet I often spent my time Watching vids online And I don’t know this yet It might be something I regret

[Pre-Chorus] ‘Cause how was I supposed to know The things I clicked on long ago Were actually material For someone else’s weird-ass fetish!?

[Chorus] Oh, why did it have to be me? I can’t believe what I’m seeing But now it seems appealing- No! My brain is playing tricks on me How could the image on the screen bring these unexpected feelings? Catalyzed and compromised I turn back time to shield my eyes But, no, I guess it had to be me Why did it have to be me? Oh, no...

[Verse 2] The years go flying by And now I spend my time Looking into it ‘Cause I guess I’m a degenerate (sigh) I forget sometimes That there are kids online And I think back to it I wonder if it’s happened yet

[Pre-Chorus] The internet’s a funny place But it can mess you up in ways I wish I knew before the days I spent time meddling in adult spaces

[Bridge] Oh, do you relate to me? Or is this song problematic? Am I being dramatic? Oh, my innocence and purity Reduced to nothing so early At this point, there’s surely- No more point to close your eyes Be careful where you socialize But it might be too late

[Outro] Sexy times and violent crimes The things they do to growing minds I wish I knew before the time Where it had to be me Why did it have to be me? Oh, no...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------this has been my experience online as a child lol, #ihaveSEENthings

but, this song and splittergirl by weevildoing are talking about the same things.

it's weird, like you look back at what you did and where you were and it just is so... weird.

like, I can't stop or change the fact I lived through goretube.

but whatever you know? what is done is done, and I am strange now.

The line

“there’s surely no more point to close your eyes, be careful where you socialize. but it might be too late”

honestly yeah that hits hard. At some point you stop closing your eyes, and you look at things for what they are.

enthralled in eerie displeasure, this is just something to add onto the pile. Who cares if you just saw a bunch of decaying corpses? Add it to the pile. Who cares if you saw people carving up themselves, add it to the pile.

you just stop feeling so scared eventually, and there’s a sadistic pleasure of seeing this stuff while you constantly have flashbacks after.

it feels awful, but I keep seeing it. You can never escape blood and death on here.

the line also

“sexy times and violent crimes, the things they do to growing minds, why did it have to be me why did it have to be me. Oh no.”

utterly hits too hard, hits way way too hard.

I have both OCD (unrelated I think it’s genetic lol) and cannibalistic intrusive thoughts and feelings due to growing up on the web actually lol.

fun fact when a little starving kid sees a bunch of people eating people and also like dead bloody people sometimes you just get those kinda thoughts and it never stops!

also the fact as a kid I saw a fair few CSA videos. That was pretty fucked up, why do I know this stuff, fuck my life.

like, it really comes back to “be careful where you socialize”

it comes back to being careful about it, but even if you were careful back in those days you still saw it so much.

there’s a reason this video started by saying it’s 2009, that’s goretube era right there lol.

it went from 2006-2011ish some stuff pushed it to 2012 but the moderators started actually becoming a bigger thing than it was back in the day and started catching all the stuff.

did you know currently YouTube’s team of moderators is 10,000+?

yeah they are also utterly traumatized, shout out to the contracted moderators you have my heart! ❤️

[emmettspeakz]

The Last of Us Part 2 Deep Analysis

(I am all over the place with this and it probably makes no sense and also I'm sure all of this has been said by someone smarter and more articulate than me but I needed somewhere to get my thoughts out so here this mess is)

Been listening to emo songs lately and thinking about Last of Us Part 2, specifically Ellie and Joel's relationship after he dies. That sounds weird right? How can they have a relationship if one of them is dead?

Well Ellie still has a relationship with Joel, he's just no longer there. While listening to My Immortal specifically, I kept getting some of the song lyrics stuck in my head like "though you're still with me, I've been alone all along" Ellie came into Joel's life alone, being a kid, unable to survive until he taught her how, but she still survived without him like when she was with Riley and now, having lived in a community, it's almost as if she has let her guard down around Joel too much, and it's left her vulnerable to this kind of pain again, like what she experienced with losing Riley.

And then there's the revenge aspect. Tommy and her have a talk after Joel dies, and she is determined to go after them, but also it sounds like she's sure Joel would want to go on a revenge plot if Tommy or Ellie died. And like I'm sure he would want to, but Joel is an old man in Last of Us Part 1 and Part 2 he's even older. Would he actually be able to go after them at his age and come back alive? Maybe. But also, Ellie convinces herself that Joel would avenge Ellie or Tommy if they died, especially without any help. And I think she doesn't actually know what he would do anymore. She hasn't forgiven him since he saved her all those years ago and they don't have much of relationship these days like they did back then because of what Joel did. And Joel has let his guard down too over the years, it's been years since he saved her from the Fireflies. He doesn't seem to be the man who killed all those Fireflies and saved Ellie anymore. Ellie ignores any morals because they struck first by killing Joel, so nothing else matters, right?

Except after Joel died, one person was killed to avenge all those he killed. That was supposed to be the Fireflies' "eye for an eye" and then no more violence. They even let Ellie and Tommy live! Which was a stupid mistake to make as it turns out, because Ellie and Tommy chose to go after them.

And with Tommy making Ellie go back into the revenge mindset after she finally got back and tries to live with Dina, (as she didn't end up killing Abby cuz Joel wouldn't have wanted that for her), I always think about and have been thinking about it more recently cuz the HBO show had Joel going "you're just a kid" after Ellie had to save him from someone trying to kill him by shooting and killing that person. Joel never wanted his adopted daughter to have to grow up in a world of violence and have to become violent herself, especially not to save her own life. He wanted to protect her from the dangers of the world, but also protect her from becoming like him. And his fears ended up coming true, because that's exactly what she did after he died. Her choosing to avenge him, was exactly what Joel did to protect her in the first game when he killed all the Fireflies trying to use her to make a cure (which i would argue is somewhat justified since we know from the show that a cure is impossible, but that's not the point).

Ellie keeps getting PTSD flashbacks of when Joel died, and it's clear it was truly traumatizing for her, but that makes it clear that she isn't doing the revenge for Joel anymore. Or she is but she isn't. She wants the flashbacks to stop, and she thinks the only way to get the scene of Joel's death out of her mind is to avenge his death. But actually, the way to make them go away, is both to forgive him for what he did for her (kill the fireflies and save her), to forgive him from dying almost, and also finally take the time to actually process her loss, which she hasn't fully done yet. She was all about revenge after he died, being so full of rage, that she hasn't actually gotten to sit down and actually process his death. So she does all three when she finally sits down with his guitar, but she can no longer play the song that he taught her to play because the revenge has cost her her two fingers. Her connection with Joel has been severed in a way, because she has done what he never wanted her to do, which was become like him.

[dancing-with-the-madmen]

But Why Piracy

It’s a question that’s been rattling around my skull for some time now. I mean, I know the real answer is one part "this is RPF and these dudes were pirates, so…", one part "Well, there’s not much of a show if Stede doesn’t go a-pirating..." But I have zero chill and I’m here to talk about in-universe character motivation.

Stede had enough money to have his fancy boat commissioned to his specifications and to pay his crew a salary. He could, if he wanted, have just hired hands to see to all the intricacies of sailing the ship and just have been a gentleman of leisure, but, like, a more mobile version than he had been on land. After all, that seemed to be the life he was trying to pitch to Mary during their wedding anniversary of disastrous communication failures. There’s plenty of adventure to be had just traveling and seeing what’s over the next horizon, especially if you have enough money not to have to worry about how you’re going to pay for food and lodging and wot all.

But that’s not what he chose to do. He specifically hired a crew with the intention of undertaking piracy. That’s the whole thrust of the conflict at the beginning of the pilot - the crew was promised piracy, and are on the verge of mutiny because Stede has failed to sufficiently deliver upon his promises.

Initially, at least, I can understand how Stede might have gotten here. There’s a long tradition of songs and poems and epics that glamorize and romanticize the lives of outlaws of all stripes. My mother played a lot of folk guitar, so songs like "Geordie" (about a nobleman who is hanged after he was caught poaching the King’s deer, but from a super special ~*golden chain*~ so he didn’t have to die like the dirty poors), "Whiskey in the Jar" (about a thief who is double-crossed by his lover) and "The Highwayman" (based on the poem by Alfred Noyes about a woman who kills herself with a English soldier’s gun so the noise of the shot will warn her highwayman lover of an ambush, who then gets himself killed trying to avenge her) were the soundtrack of my childhood (hell, I even went as Bess the Landlord’s Daughter for Halloween one year). I can easily see Stede uncritically consuming these stories without a single thought as to what circumstances might have put people in situations where turning to crime, in spite of the inherent danger, seems like a viable option in the first place. In his mind, it’s all High Seas Robin Hood, not The Wire, but now you also have to worry about drowning.

So a Pirate’s life for Stede! But really, a pirate’s life that’s as much play-acting as the games he used to play with his children. His first "raid" on the fishing vessel is a pantomime of piracy, no weapons drawn (if you don’t count the cannonball the Swede dropped by hand), no plunder taken other than a withered potted plant. Stede insists he "thrives on danger," but at the first sign of actual danger from the British naval vessel, he’s donning his yellow dressing gown like a security blanket the color of cowardice and looking for loopholes that would prevent him from having to get too violent.

But violence is kind of an unavoidable part of piracy, in fact, the part that most of his crew seems particularly anxious to get around to doing in the pilot. We’ve seen plenty of examples of how violence-averse Stede is, and how he frequently freezes and/or goes into an emotional flashback when confronted with the prospect of physical violence. Once Ed comes along, he arms Stede with the pageantry of a good fuckery and introduces him to ways to get around the violence with stage-fighting and a well-timed dodge, but it’s honestly astonishing he got there in the first place? The fallout of the British tea party, and Badminton’s death in particular, were incredibly traumatizing for Stede. Maybe he kept going in the immediate aftermath because the threat of mutiny and his death was explicitly hanging over his head, but what about after the ship got grounded and the prisoners escaped? Surely at that point, with the mental projection of Badminton’s ghost whispering a constant stream of self-loathing in his ear, any reasonable chap would throw in the towel? Say to his crew, "forget the prisoners. Just help me get the ship un-stuck and I’ll drop you at the nearest port with a lovely severance package to tide you over until you find the pirate crew of your dreams. Clearly I am not made for this life."

The thing is, for the first two episodes, Stede isn’t just playing pretend at piracy; he spends an awful lot of time pretending like he doesn’t understand the people who try to tell him he’s ill-suited to the life. And yes, I do think it’s a pretense. In other metas, I’ve referenced Stede’s Dunning-Kruger effect (a psychological phenomenon where a person with limited knowledge or competency will vastly overestimate their objective proficiency) approach to piracy, which was, perhaps, unkind and flippant of me. Yes, he has limited knowledge and competency, but I think his self-estimation reads less as reckless naivete and more as conscientious optimism; a purposeful decision to act as though things will work out with the hope that doing so will manifest the desired result. So when Olu says "Pirating is not for everyone. It’s a really dangerous lifestyle." Stede answers "Yes AND some of US thrive on danger!" like a good little improvisor, as a way of manifesting that outcome, particularly as he is CLEARLY struggling with the imminent danger of their situation. When the village elder tells him "Some men are not built for adventure. Some men should concern themselves with gentler things," Stede pretends not to know what he’s talking about, because that is NOT the identity he is trying to manifest. He’s already TRIED a sedate life of gentility, and all he got for his troubles was a wife he does not love, and relentless bullying his whole life through. In other words, "gentler things" have always led to his torment and misery.

So what IS the identity he’s trying to manifest? What is he using the pretext of piracy to achieve?

I posit that Stede is trying to cultivate a persona of hyper-masculinity as a compensatory mechanism. Stede has always been punished in response to what his father and peers consider his transgressions on normative masculinity. His father is keen to get him involved with "men’s work," and intolerant of his squeamishness. His school peers tie him to a rowboat for the sin of picking flowers. But maybe if he performs hyper masculinity, maybe it will all average out? Well, Stede had a ship - what could be more macho than piracy? Just look at Blackbeard’s crew - all black leather and skulls and spikes and the kind of reputation that gets ships to surrender as soon as they strike their colors. Macho. As. Fuck. Stede even tells Ed that if he could "be like Blackbeard, even for a moment," he’d gladly give away all his finery. Well, maybe he can’t change how he is, but you know what he’s great at? Pretending. And the sad fact is, we see it kind of works? When Stede returns to Barbados, his school-mate, Jeffery approaches him in the pub. He didn’t need to do that; Stede had his back to the room, and while he clearly wants to reminisce about his time at sea, he’s happy to bother the barkeep. Jeffery could have sipped his pint and gone on his way without Stede ever being the wiser. But something’s changed. Stede’s gone a-pirating. Stede is no longer the flower-picking embarrassment of a school boy. Stede’s macho as fuck. The other gentlemen in the pub all cheer him, plying him with drinks, and pressing for stories of his piratical adventures, finally accepting him as one of their own. But we also see their approbation flag when Stede fails to perform masculinity sufficiently - when he says that Ed is "absolutely lovely." And as soon as he stumbles, they turn on him as surely as if he had used a demitasse spoon for his sherbet, and suddenly all his claims are called into question. Has he really changed? Is he really as hard as he purports himself to be? Has he even killed anyone?

So of course he betrays the memory of his beloved, painting him is just the dehumanizing light he knows Ed hates. Of course he talks about seeing death, and how it changes you, knowing full well that death has changed his course away from his one chance at true happiness. And with these sallies, the façade is sufficiently restored, and the men welcome him back into their number.

So now the question is: what is Stede using his new macho pirate persona to compensate for? And, reader, I’m going to ask you to stick with me here, because the evidence is a bit more tenuous than I normally prefer, but… I think he knows that he’s queer. Like, not as something he figured out along the way of falling for Ed, but from the very beginning.

Let’s start with his childhood; when we flashback to the rowboat, it’s not just that Stede has been lashed to the oars and forced to row - the other boys are also throwing rocks at him. Yes, children can be dicks, but this is a group of boys ganging up on one frail, pinioned waif. This is Matthew Shepherd bullshit.

Shortly after, we learn Stede was also forced to French kiss a horse. Others wiser than I have pointed out elsewhere how those who condemn homosexuality as an abomination frequently lump it in with paraphilias such as bestiality.

But that’s all just other people treating him as though he is queer without on-screen verification that their suspicions were accurate. What of the man himself? Let’s leave aside his enthusiasm for botany and entomology, his affinity for drama and literature, his creature comforts, and his wardrobe excentricities, which other him in comparison to the rest of both his and Ed’s crews, but would have been reasonably within the wheelhouse of any wealthy gentleman in the Age of Enlightenment. (I will say, though, it’s prolly because I’m an Old, but the matching white frock suits Stede compels Lucius to wear to the Republic of Pirates gives me such STRONG Liberace/Scott Thorson vibes).

I think we get our first oblique reference to how Stede identifies himself in the first episode. After Olu tells Stede "We do it [piracy] because we don’t have any other choice." Stede quickly replies, "Oh, I hear that. I mean, here we are, just the whole band of us." It’s easy to read this as a clueless, privileged white dude appropriating class, race, and economic struggles he couldn’t possibly understand, and there’s certainly an element of that, but I don’t think that’s the whole story. Running from the law, or a bounty, or the horrors of slavery, or poverty are not circumstances Stede could truly understand, but they’re also not the only reasons to turn to piracy. 

For that, you need look no further than Lucius, whose strong reading/writing double-threat skillset, and talent for sketching suggest he probably came from a family with reasonable means, and would have had plenty of career prospects - but only one if he wanted to live and love openly. In fact, half of the Revenge’s crew falls somewhere on the LGBTQIA+ rainbow, and I say only half because we have insufficient data on Roach, Frenchie, Wee John, and the Swede, and I really don’t know how to qualify Button’s yearning to make love to the sea. When Stede says "the whole band of us," he could be referring to "our band of outcasts from society, whatever shape that takes," and if he knows himself to be queer, then that is a subset in which he DOES belong.

I’ve written before about how I think there’s evidence that Stede is aware that he is experiencing sexual and/or romantic attraction for Ed in the wake of the almost-kiss of episode 5 and subsequent events (click here if you missed it). I won’t belabor the points I made in that essay, but I do have a few things to add that fall outside the specific focus thereof.

 Stede’s highly agitated reaction when Ed suggested he had better be moving on in episode 7; I don’t know about you, but even with my closest friends, when they’ve got to go, we make our fond farewells without finding excuses to tarry a little longer. There’s only one person whose departure ever made me cry, and she eventually agreed to be my wife. Also, I especially wouldn’t take the time to make entreaties for a friend to linger if my kiddo was trying to get my attention about something urgent.

The text of the treasure hunt is that it’s a date that Stede specifically set up to try and impress/woo Ed. Don’t let’s pretend it’s anything else in anyone’s mind; Lucius spelled it out for us in as many words. A date where they collab on a restaurant AU meet-cute, but a date nonetheless (I’m not disparaging this kind of date, btw. I have been on this kind of date. It is pretty much the badger’s knackers).

When Jack explicitly introduces the motif of gay sex during the pissing contest scene of episode 8, and then tells Stede "It’s nothing to be ashamed of" - there’s nothing about Stede’s reaction that conveys shame or repulsion. If anything, his downcast eyes and knitted brow when Jack asks "What’s going on between you two?" suggests regret that the answer is "Not as much as I WANT." Also, it’s clear to me that when Jack says he and Ed have had their dalliances, his intention is to provoke jealousy, not disgust, because revolting as he is, Jack is a consummate reader of rooms, and has picked up on Stede’s attraction to Ed. Also, also, not to be indelicate, but immediately afterwards, Stede starts to look over at Jack, and then his eyes dart down for a moment to check out his dick.

Poor baby is totally scoping out the competition just to see if he’d measure up, should he ever get the chance

4. While telescope-stalking Ed and Jack after they’ve left the ship, Stede asks Olu if he thinks Jack is better-looking than him. Why would that even remotely matter if he didn’t think of Jack as a romantic rival for Ed’s affection?

5. Stede doesn’t even kind of try to push back about Lucius applying the term “break up” to the situation after Ed has left with Jack.

6. It’s in the context of all of this that Stede responds to Ed’s boot nudge by caressing Ed’s foot with his own.

7. Take a look at the accusations Chauncy levels at Stede when he's got him at gunpoint in the woods. "Stede Bonnet... is not a human... You're a monster. A plague. You defile beautiful things. My dear brother. Your own family. You've even managed to bring history's greatest pirate to ruin." Insert record-scratch sound effect here.

Why would Chauncy Badminton, admiral in the King's Navy, think that Blackbeard was "ruined" by appealing for the Act of Grace and committing himself to the King's service, even if it was to save Stede from the firing squad? I can see how STEDE is meant to view it that way (and that, as he is the lead narrative character, we the audience are invited to accept that interpretation). I can see Izzy seeing it that way. But to Chauncy? That's not ruination. That's redemption!

Perhaps it's just that I'm perma-scarred by a full year's worth of "fallen women stories" in high school (seriously, it was Anna Karenina, Tess of the D'Urbervilles, The Scarlet Letter, The Crucible, The Age of Innocence, Portrait of a Lady, Sister Carrie, The Great Gatsby and others that I've blissfully forgotten. It was. A LOT.) but "ruin", to me, has a connotation of sexual transgression. Look at the other things he's calling Stede here - not human, a monster, a plague, a defiler of beautiful things, destroyer of the family unit. He's not saying the ACTUAL word, but these are all accusations leveled at the gay community. What does that have to do with Nigel? Well, if we're going to read the "stab me" scene as metaphorical penetration with a metaphorical penis, let's not get precious about other penetrations and other swords now (as far as Chauncy is concerned, Stede fucked his brother's brains out. Who WOULDN'T die under the shame of such circumstances?). And how does Chauncy tie it to Ed? Did he see them knocking boots while tied up on the deck? Did he make an inference about WHY Ed would be willing to so drastically alter his life to spare Stede's? Did he spy on their moment on the beach?

I know. I started taking other people's word for it again, didn't I? Let's get back to Stede's experience of his own queerness.

Now I’d like to focus on the kiss itself. I’ve watched this clip of the kiss at .25x speed to get a better idea of exactly what is going on and when (I like this show a normal amount, and devote a perfectly reasonable amount of time and effort to thinking about it). At 1:36, just after the camera angle changes from the back of Ed’s head to focus on the kiss, Stede’s eyes are open, but soft - not wide open with shock or surprise. He’s into this from the start, and closes his eyes less than a second later to fully commit to the kiss.

At 1:39, Ed draws back to adjust their position, and Stede not only follows, but at 1:40, just before Ed’s hand lands on Stede’s shoulder, you can see Stede re-connecting the kiss and better-align their lips (in the initial landing, he’s more or less kissing Ed’s philtrum rather than his upper lip proper) before Ed follows suit.

Look at the purse of his lips and the strain of the tendons in his neck. He’s reaching for Ed with everything he has. Well, almost.

At 1:41, though the camera angle cuts it off just below his shoulder, you can see Stede move his arm toward Ed.

…I’ve watched these same 5 seconds so many times now it feels like my own personal Zapruder film (*imitates Kevin Cosner’s accent from JFK*: “His arm moves down into Ed’s lap. Down. Into Ed’s lap.”  …God I’m old). 

All of this adds up to Stede not just being kissed by Ed, but enthusiastically kissing back.

Ultimately, I don’t think Stede needed Mary’s speech about love to understand that he is queer, or that he had feelings for and attraction to Ed. What I think Mary's account of her love for Doug helped Stede to realize was that what he and Ed shared was MORE than just attraction or infatuation, and that, in spite of what the Badmintons of the world might think, his love did not bring history's greatest pirate to ruin, and theirs need not be a love that dares not speak its name.

[a-tin-of-crisco]

good evening, friends and neighbors

tonight I was indulging in an act many trans men are familiar with,,,, no, not disassociating in a pool of hoodie and tears. do not fret. I was simply watching a ftm transition video. have you ever seen the one with the transition happening in dance footage from over the years? if not, you simply must. it is a staple.  anyways, a little ways through the video, a song is playing in the background. I immediately recognize it from my childhood. “OMG” by usher. it absolutely fucks of course, but in the back of my skull I feel an uneasy itch. I'm not too sure where it’s coming from. but something about this song fills me with a sense of foreboding so palpable my heart begins to beat in double-time. why. dear god why. why can’t I remember?

then suddenly it hits me

it was playing during the fucking Rat Dream

it occurs to me that you likely do not know what the rat dream is. that is alright, I'm here to explain.

long ago, when I was very young, I had what was probably the worst nightmare of my life. it entailed a blonde rat with one eye threatening me via knife while I attempted to convince him not to murder me. strangely, there was also night vision goggles involved, I would use them while he scuttled around my house, trying to spot him in the dark before he reached me. if I woke up, the dream would just continue. I ask you, dear reader, how often does that fucking happen?

oh, and of course there was “OMG” in the background, for some reason. don’t ask me why, it was at the top of the charts at the time. must’ve been playing on loop in my subconscious. 

the rat himself was from a movie my grandmother had popped into the dvd set earlier that morning before I left her house. and clearly? that shit traumatized me.

fast-forward to present day. the memory comes rushing back like a freight train slapping into my nonexistent nuts at full-throttle speed, and suddenly I begin a feverish search as to the name of the film. “animated mouse movie” I type. it doesn’t take me long to find the specific style of art I so vaguely remember, and once I see it it is instantly recognizable. 

‘the secrets of nimh’ my mad dash to find the rat I'm looking for takes me longer, because it turns out he was from the sequel, ‘the secrets of nimh two: timmy to the rescue’ but oh god, when I do find him, time slows down. a thick coil of dread wraps around my spine. this is the bastard who tore into my innocent, soft child psyche like a pack of feral raccoons fighting over a lamb chop. it’s him. 

meet martin brisby, nineteen-year-old rodent hellspawn and knife-wielding, fever dream antagonist.  in the movie, he is kidnapped by a scientist, but because he is apparently the son of genetically modified rats (what the fuck), the experiments done on him backfire and make him go off the rails. off the rails enough in fact, that he takes over the lab and attempts to create an evil rat army before being stopped by his younger brother, timmy. 

listen. just listen.  I was five years old and beginning to nurture a long-lasting fear of insanity that would follow me for a lifetime, to this very day. the thought of an adorable animated mouse going batshit crazy was enough to disturb me to a pathetic extent. so much so that his horrible glass eye followed me into my dreams, and gave me one of the Top Ten Most Absolutely Fucking Hogwild Nightmares that I have ever and most likely will ever experience.  therefore, is it any surprise that this earworm pop song from early-2000s club culture triggered such a violent flashback? all I wanted was to watch this silly little dancing man do a couple of silly little dancing moves, but no. fate had something else in store for me.  and it smelled like a fucking rat.

[freedmfighter]

dossier   —   JET.

FULL  NAME.     jet MEANING.    named  after  the  gemstone,  it   is   known  as   a   highly   prized   magical   and   protective   stone,   meant   to   guide   those   on   their   journeys   and   protect   against   evil.  NICKNAME.     n/a GENDER.     cis male. ETHNICITY.     earth  kingdom HEIGHT.     5′11″ AGE.     16/17   ( verse dependent ). ZODIAC.     aries   (   passionate,    motivated,    and     confident    leader   /   impulsive,   temperamental,     daring  ;      element :   fire.   ;    ruling planet :   mars.  ) SPOKEN  LANGUAGES.     verse-dependent  ;   multilingual .

physical  characteristics !

HAIR  COLOR.     dark  brown,  almost  black  in  some   shades EYE  COLOR.      a   dark   hazel,   perceived   as   brown   unless  in   the   right   light   they  have  hunts  of   a   forest   green SKIN  TONE.     warm brown BODY  TYPE.     between ectomorph and mesomorph ;   has the body of a martial artist  ACCENT.     / VOICE.     confident,   somewhat   drawling ,   someone  who   when  speaking  everyone  listens  to   despite   what   volume   he’s   using.  DOMINANT  HAND.     ambidextrous POSTURE.     slightly   hunched   but   because   everyones   so   fucking   short,   in   all   fairness.   THE  WAY  HE  CHOOSES  TO  SIT  IS   ON   HIM,   THOUGH.     he  has   a   relatively   loose   and   confident   stance,   often   putting   his   hand   on   his   hip SCARS.     beneath   his   clothes,   he   is   actually   branded   with   several   areas   of   scar   tissue   from   sword   fights    and   burn   marks  --   significantly   ones   that   wrap   around   his   ankle   when   he   couldn’t   climb   a   tree   fast   enough   and   on   his   shoulders   and   upper-arms.   he   also   has   scars   (   undetermined   location  )   from   having   to   be   self-taught   with   his   lethally   sharp   hooked   swords. TATTOOS.     eventually   he   does  in   modern  verse  via   stick-and-poke...   MOST  NOTICEABLE  FEATURE(S).     his   eyebrows   are   seemingly   always   in   an   arched   state,   he’s   significantly   taller   than   a   lot   of   his   company,   and   he   has   very   fluffy/shaggy   dark   hair.   he   also   usually   is   chewing   on   wheatgrass.

background !

HOMETOWN.     a   small   earth   kingdom   village   somewhere   near   gaipan MANNER  OF  BIRTH.     natural. FIRST  WORDS.     undetermined ;    debating   on   “ma”  (  which  daiyu  was  really happy   about  )   or   “jet”    (   which   was   a   response  to  them   saying  ‘your  name  is  jet’  ,  and  him  echoing   that.  )   alternatively,   it’d   be   funny   if   it   was   something   he   wasn’t   supposed   to   repeat,   like   a  curse  word. SIBLINGS.     n/a,   but   he   thinks   of   the   freedom  fighters   as   his   siblings. PARENTS.     daiyu   ( birth-mother,  deceased ).    qingling  ( non-biological mother,  deceased ). PARENT  INVOLVEMENT.     raised   by   two   mothers   until   the   age   of   eight   years   old   when   they   were   murdered  ;   his   biological   father   wasn’t   really   in   the   picture,   but   I’m   still   weighing  between   whether   he   was   merely   a   donor   or   someone   daiyu   was   in   a   relationship   with  but   went   off   and   was   killed   in  war,   and   qingling   stepped   in   the   picture   to   originally   help   but   in   the   process   they   fell   in  love   with   each   other   ;   up   until   his  parents   deaths,   they   were   extremely   loving    and   protective   of   him,   attempting  to   balance   between   letting   him   have   fun   and   educating   him   in   very  blunt   means   on   the   horrors   unraveling   around   them.    jet   loved   both   of   them   equally,   and   mourned   them   intensely.   in  how   he   raises   the   freedom   fighters   and   orphans   he   takes   in,   he   mirrors   a   lot   of   their   mannerisms   and   keeps   their   legacy   alive   in   that   way.   (  hot  take:   they   would   be   very   proud   of  who   he   became,  though  greatly   saddened   by   the   cause   for   it.  )

OCCUPATION.     social   activist,  public  speaker,    and  founder  of   post-war   orphanages   and   shelters. CURRENT RESIDENCE.     changes   depending   on   his   travels,  but   he   likes   to   stay   in   the   earth   kingdom FINANCIAL  STATUS.     born  in  a  respectable  “middle-class”   home   turned   destitute   CRIMINAL  RECORD.     theft,   aggravated  assault  with  a   weapon,   attempted   murder,  acts   of   terrorism,   murder   (    though   out   of   self-defense   or   legal  in  war-setting   facing  hostilities   ) VICES.   anger,   arrogance,   swearing,   wrath

relationships !

CLOSE  FRIENDS.     all   his   freedom  fights <3    ,    eventually   he   likes   to   consider   aang  a   close   friend   with   hopes   for   the   rest   of   the   group. RELATIONSHIP  STATUS.     single. SEXUAL  ORIENTATION.     bisexual. ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION.     demi/biromantic. LOVE  LANGUAGE.     physical touch &  acts of service.& words of affirmation RELATIONSHIP  TENDENCIES.     jet   is   fairly   unexperienced  regarding   romantic   relationships   as   his   priorities   have   been   directed   towards   survival   and   familial   bonds ;   as   a   resort   of   this,   he   often   makes   exceptions   towards   romantic   interests   by   bridging   the  familiar   with  the  new,   picking   partners   that   can   reflect   what   traits   he   praises   himself   for:   goal-oriented,   seeking   justice,   talented,   can   hold   their   own,   and   come   with  flaws.    he   is   very   affectionate    when   having  romantic   attraction   and   tries   to   find   ways   to   hold   their   hand  or   face   or   shoulders.   he    does   have   jealous   tendencies   based   off   fear   of   loss,   but    over-all   those   of   romantic   interest   are   those   he   has   deep   admiration    for   and   trusts   them.    he   will   only   be   protective   if   he   feels   like   he   needs   to   step   in,   which   in  case   he   doesn’t   hesitate.    seeing  as   he’s   NEW   to   relationships,   he   will   go   about   having   conversations   about   what   they  like  and  don’t   like,    what   they   do  and  don’t   want   him  to  do.   he’s   big   on   communication.    it   should,  however,   be   noted   he   has   slight   manipulation   tendencies/tactics   if   he   feels   he   has   to   prioritize   something   over   the   relationship.

miscellaneous !

THEME  SONG.    Landslide -  Fleetwood  Mac   (   especially   because   of  this   video   )   /   You’ve  Got  to  Run  (  Spirit   of   the   Wind  ) -  Buffy  Sainte-Marie   /   Take   Back   the   Power   -   The  Interrupters   HOBBIES  TO  PASS  TIME.     practicing   his   swordsmanship,   sparing,   climbing   as   high   as   he   can   and   seeing   how   fast   he   can   either   get   down,   or   helping   others   pass   the   time   by   inventing   games.   On   the   occasion   when   he   wants   alone-time,   he   spends   time   trying   to   mimic   bird-calls. MENTAL  ILLNESSES.     severe    case   of   post-traumatic   stress   syndrome   (   ft.   insomnia,   constant   attempt   to   re-live/re-enact  trauma,  violent   flashbacks,   constant   vigilance,  angry   outbursts,  intense    distress   at   real   or    symbolic   reminders   of   the   trauma.  ),    possible    borderline   personality   disorder   (  seeking   an   explanation  for   such  a   black/white   mentality  ,   impulse,   and   rage  that   might   not   stem   from   PTSD,  but   unsure   if   i’m   just   projecting.  ) PHYSICAL  ILLNESSES.     due   to  PTSD,   his  body  suffers   from   a   state   of   autonomic   hyperarousal   with   hypervigilance,   an   enhanced    startle   reaction,    and    insomnia  ;    I’m   still  working   out   the   lasting   effects   from   the   lake   laogai   incident LEFT  OR  RIGHT  BRAINED.     a   balance,   but  slight   leaning  towards  right   brain   for   creativity   and intuition. PHOBIAS.     I   would   say   he   has   pyrophobia,   but   he   isn’t   afraid   of   fire   so   much   as   the   people   who   weaponize   it ;   and   even   then,   he’s   less   scared   of   fire-nation,   rather   than   scared   of   what   they’re   capable   of.  I   wouldn’t   put   that   under   a  phobia,  as  its   reasonable   or   an   attribute   to   his   PTSD   symptoms.   SELF  CONFIDENCE  LEVEL.    extremely   high    to   the   point   he   almost   has   a    god-complex   and   I   debate   if   he   has   narcissistic   personality   disorder ;  he   is   unbothered   by   criticism   and   is   extremely  self-assure   and   confident   in   everything   he   does. VULNERABILITIES.     it   is   very   easy   to   manipulate   jet   by   triggering   his   ptsd  ;   he   also   has   lasting   effects   from   the   dai  li  brainwashing   him   to   the   point   the   phrase   “the   earth  king   has   invited  you  to   lake   laogai”   still   triggers   him,   though   not   to   the   extremity   aang   had   witnessed,   as   jet   was   capable   of   breaking   out   of   it   once   and   had   a   short-lived   experienced   with   the   dai  li.  (  HEADCANON  UNDER  CONSTRUCTION  )  ;   he   is   also   extremely   loyal   to   his   friends   and   loved   ones   to   a   point   he’ll   do    anything    to   keep  them   safe  (   don’t  mistake  this   as   cooperation   with   the   enemy,   rather   I   will   kill   anything   that   stands   in  the   way   of   their   safety   without   hesitation   )

TAGGED BY.     stole from  @burnbanished​ TAGGING.     YOU?

[callmeblake]

Frank Iero, New York, NY, June 2019 (X)

Aug 29, 2019, 09:10am

Frank Iero May Just Be His Own Puppet Master

Photo Credit: Audrey Lew

Interview below the cut

Derek Scancarelli

Contributor

Hollywood & Entertainment

I am a music journalist living in New York City.

Frank Iero is breathing deeply and fighting off nausea. This isn’t uncommon for the 37-year-old guitarist and vocalist, given his predilection for debilitating anxiety. But on this occasion, it isn’t pre-show jitters.

“Oh my god, I hate this f*cking boat,” Iero says, as the docked vessel on which he sits knocks against a pier in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Iero and his band, The Future Violents, just finished an intimate Saturday matinee show as fans sweat, sang and caught a glimpse of the Statue of Liberty.

It had been about 16 years since Iero and his now defunct band, My Chemical Romance (the band broke up in 2013), first performed on water. In July of 2002, the band released its debut album, I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love. In October of 2003, the soon-to-be emo heroes performed alongside New York Hardcore legends Sick Of It All at an aquatic gig booked by New Jersey college radio station WSOU. And in June of 2004, My Chemical Romance released Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge, the band’s platinum-selling breakthrough record. In a matter of two years, Iero’s life changed dramatically.

In 2019, Iero still hasn’t found his sea legs, but a lot more has changed. He’s fathered three children, released three full-length solo records (including 2019’s Barriers), and survived a near-death experience. And as he gets older, he finds truth in life’s greatest clichés.

“Time flies, it just screams by,” Iero says. “You think you’re appreciating the time, but it’s easy to take it for granted. It’s a shame.”

But Iero is trying his hardest to pay attention to the little things, especially when it comes to family. He and his wife, Jamia, have three children together: nine-year-old twin daughters, Cherry and Lily, and a seven-year-old son named Miles.

“It’s wonderful to see them evolve and come into their own,” Iero says. “But it’s funny how personalities are innate. We shape the way they experience things or teach them the ropes, but for the most part, I’ve found that we are who we are when we’re born.”

From the start, Iero has seen an even split in the twins’ personalities. Cherry, he says, most behaves like her mother, whereas Lily possesses her father’s attitude.

“Some of the sh*t I hear coming out of my daughter's mouth,” Iero says laughing. “My God! It’s stuff I think but never say — they don't know to be ashamed yet! It's amazing and honest and pure. And I know exactly where she's coming from because I feel the same way.”

As part of fostering a relationship of trust and honesty, Iero has been age-appropriately transparent with his kids about the 2016 accident that almost killed him, his brother-in-law and guitarist Evan Nestor and his manager Paul Clegg.

While unloading gear from their van in Sydney, Australia, a city bus crashed into the group and their vehicle. In a 2017 interview with MTV, Iero recounted, in vivid detail, the moment he was dragged underneath the bumper of the bus, the screams of his brother-in-law, and the blood pooling from his manager.

Although Iero was able to walk into an ambulance carrying one of his friends, the scene was a spectacle overrun with emergency personnel — they even landed a rescue helicopter in nearby Hyde Park. Despite serious injuries, amazingly, there were no fatalities.

When Iero returned home from the hospital, he explained to his children that he was in a car accident, but that it was a singular freak incident.

“You don't want to lie,” he says. “They're getting older. Their friends and their parents are on the internet. They're asking questions. It does get back to them.”

Iero was as honest as possible, but avoided any gory details. He was also conscious that it wouldn’t be long before he would travel for work again — and he didn’t want to scare his kids any further.

Almost four years later, residual damage from the crash is impossible to ignore. Nestor has nerve damage in his leg that may never be corrected. Clegg’s leg and knee have undergone multiple surgeries, but are in poor shape. And Iero still has a tear in his shoulder that hurts every time he plays the guitar. Despite the pain, he’s afraid to undergo surgery.

“I was lucky enough to walk away and still play,” Iero says. “If I were to test fate again and go under the knife, if something were to go wrong… to let that be taken from me … no, I can't.”

On some days, the emotional toll of surviving such a traumatic accident weighs more heavily. Iero describes his recovery as non-linear: some days he feels collected and in control, other days the memory rushes back into his mind.

After his new band finished recording Barriers, Iero and his team went back to Australia for appointments pertaining to the accident and corresponding litigation. As soon as he exited the plane, Iero felt like he’d returned to the horrific scene. For the following week, he was barraged by an unending state of panic.

“You go through these instances of PTSD,” he says. “You never know what's going to trigger and send you all the way back to the beginning with recovery.”

Iero greatly underestimated how difficult his return to Australia would be. When navigating to a doctor’s office near where the accident occurred, he couldn’t bring himself to walk down the street. And suddenly, he felt surrounded by buses.

“I don't know if this is true,” he says. “But it felt like every other car on the street was one of these f*cking buses. They were everywhere. It was frightening. I couldn't do anything. I was shaking like a leaf.”

Despite the traumatic flashbacks, Iero continues to reflect on that day. In the promotional run for Barriers, he discussed the accident at length. And on the record itself, he addresses the complicated ripple effect it’s had on his entire sense of self.

“I don't think it needs to define me,” Iero says. “But it was something I needed to talk about on this record. It's not something I could sweep under the rug. But do I want to dwell on it every day and relive it? No. But I think about it constantly. I feel the pain constantly. It's on my mind.”

In recent interviews, Iero has tended to frame a few philosophical takeaways from his ordeal. In simple terms, the first idea is that he’s found a new lease on life — that everything happens for a reason and he’s been given an opportunity to seize the day. The second philosophy is much darker, a sort of survivor’s guilt compounded with fear and existential dread. The third and most abstract consideration is closest to Simulation Theory — where Iero has the ability to control his own artificial timeline.

Sometimes, Iero questions if actually died that day. He wonders: Is this all real?

“It’s hard. No one can tell you what to believe,” he says. “But you come to this realization, ‘Well, this is real to me, the hand I was dealt, so I have to make the best of it!’”

Through the acceptance of uncertainty, Iero surmises that he just may be his own puppet master.

“If this is a figment of my imagination,” Iero says. “If this is all in my head, then I am the master of my own destiny. If I want to do something, I can manufacture it. And if it's not the case, then at least it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe putting positive vibes out into the universe is beneficial. If we didn't make it and we're just going through this weird labyrinth in my mind, I can do anything I want.”

And lately, he’s been doing just that. Call it sorcery or the power of positive thinking, but Iero is motivated. For Barriers, he was able to assemble a dream band, The Future Violents (different lineups of his backing band have previously gone by The Cellabration and The Patience), featuring his brother-in-law Nestor on guitar, Thursday’s Tucker Rule on drums, Murder by Death’s Matt Armstrong on bass, and Kayleigh Goldsworthy on keyboard.

The theme of the album — and his own internal dialogue — mostly relates to tragedy and timing. Did the universe have a course set out for him? Or was he just some random victim?

“The crazy thing is that you didn't do anything wrong,” Iero says of the accident. “Yet, all of this stuff was taken from you and you have to make these decisions. You get angry a lot.”

He continues: “These random, abrupt, violent actions. Do they happen to us? Or for us? I wouldn't have been able to make this record if it didn't happen. And it made me realize a lot of things about myself. Am I happy it happened? No. But I'm happy where I am right now.”

Iero views Barriers as an exercise in vulnerability. If the aftermath of his accident taught him anything, it’s that success was meaningless to his character, but adversity helped him grow. For the first time, addressing childhood trauma helped Iero expose himself in a way that felt freeing.

“When you put something to song, it gives that memory weight,” Iero explains. “If you never talk about it, it's almost like it didn't happen. There's a fine line between relinquishing that power to this memory, situation or trauma, or holding that power over it and creating your own narrative from it.”

Barriers also intertwines Iero’s childhood experiences with his current perspective as a father. This go around, he felt comfortable writing about his parents’ divorce — the couple split when he was three and divorced when he was seven.

He looks back on the unpleasantness of the process and his consequential understanding of his mother’s issues with addiction, depression and mental illness. On his 2016 record, Parachutes, Iero first referenced his mother’s struggles and his own liability to inherit her traits. He’s still horrified by the idea of predeterminism.

“When you're a young kid being surrounded with it, it doesn't feel right,” Iero says. “You're not happy. You're scared. You're constantly concerned for your parent. It’s almost as if you become the caregiver.”

He continues: “Then you see yourself falling into these patterns that you were witness to and maybe in a roundabout way were taught. That addiction, that depression, runs through you. It's easy to fall off that cliff. I don't want that for my kids and I need to stop this cycle. Like this sh*t stops with me. Whether it be I get okay, or I f*cking turn my lights out.”

It’s this sort of tongue-in-cheek use of concerning language that keeps Iero’s fanbase enthralled, yet somewhat on edge. Take for example, in the comment section for his video “Young & Doomed,” some diehard fans are troubled by his repeated use of the words “hurt myself again.” While he’s surprised to hear about the response, he counters that the record is ultimately meant to feel uplifting and positive, even if addressing dark topics.

“I don't think that we should strive for perfection,” Iero says. “This idea that we should all have this perfect life and be pretty and purse our lips to post a picture on social media is bullsh*t. The things that make us unique are important.”

He continues: “Sometimes we're our own worst enemies and we hurt ourselves. Those scars, though, are important. They're beautiful. ‘Young And Doomed’ is a call to arms to celebrate the things people think are wrong with us.”

Now, Iero just hopes his story and music inspire fans to try, fail and try again.

“You don't find out who you are unless you get a scar and get hurt,” Iero says. “You should be hurt, hurt other people, and learn that it feels terrible to hurt someone else. You should feel sorry for it and make amends for it. These are important lessons to be a better person. You find out who you truly are by attacking things that scare you the most.”

Frank Iero is currently touring Europe with Laura Jane Grace & The Devouring Mothers.

[takaraphoenix]

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season 6

1. Favorite character of this season?

I absolutely love how they dedicated this season to Buffy's issues. She died. And was ripped out of heaven. She lost her mom and was suddenly forced into being the adult in the house. It's so much and she gets to break about it. Yes, she hurts the people around her, but honestly... it kind of figures? How is one supposed to adjust to what she is trying to adjust to? But over the season, the wake-up calls she gets – the asylum episode, Dawn's stealing, Willow's addiction and then the grand finale that makes her realize she wants to be in this world – it's so great, because it goes... slowly.

My biggest issue with most modern TV is that it's basically torture porn. The main character is put through impossibly traumatizing ordeals but is never even given the chance to cope, to try and deal with it. The issues are never addressed, only glossed over because actually dealing with them would require care and good writing and take time away from all the other drama going on! So characters are only traumatized for shock-value and then are immediately over it, even though it's unrealistic.

This season is a season of trauma. A season of bad coping mechanism, of pushing people away but still seeking someone where she can feel safe – Spike. She slowly has to relearn to open up and let them in, she has to learn to want to live again. And it's hard. And the show doesn't shy away from it, it doesn't shy away from her making the wrong choices, because... there is no one right choice that is obvious when dealing with the trauma she has faced.

2. Outstanding minor character (positive or negative)?

Negative. Jonathan. I just... I really truly hate that Jonathan is in the trio. Of all people, Jonathan. The one who gave Buffy her class-protector award with that heart-warming speech. Buffy was the one person who saved him, personally, when he wanted to commit suicide. Even after the Jonathan Superstar episode, Buffy was gentle and understanding with him. It just... for him, to turn supervillain like that was incredibly disappointing for me.

3. Favorite character dynamic?

I genuinely love the Tara-Dawn dynamic. Tara and Willow raised her for months while Buffy was dead. But the Giles-Anya dynamic is also so great – I'm very soft for the way Anya points out her hair is blonde in the finale like “Buffy is getting hugs for short hair. I too would like a hug”.

4. Favorite canon romantic ship?

Buffy and Spike... in the first half of the season. The way she found him to open up to, he was the only one she voluntarily told about having been in heaven. She finds a connection to him. The way he loves her – that he stayed, for months, even though she was dead, because he had promised her to take care of Dawn and he didn't just do that, he helped the Scoobies protect Sunnydale. He had no reason to and it still... it bothers me so much that everyone continuously belittles Spike's love for Buffy like it's not there. If he was only lusting after her, he would have ditched town after her death, he wouldn't have helped defend Sunnydale and take care of Dawn.

5. Least favorite canon romantic ship?

I'm having flashbacks here but it's a tie and it's because of shit decisions Xander and Willow made.

It's strange, I want to love Willow and – as a friend – she is a great character, but she's just... a shitty partner? She cheated on Oz for weeks or months with Xander and now she used magic to play with Tara's mind. That is so... violating and disturbing and that, after Tara found out and confronted her about it and pointed out how incredibly wrong that was, even more so with Tara's past, Willow just went and immediately did it again. And this isn't something you can blame the addiction for; this was just “I don't want my girlfriend mad at me so I'll erase her memories”. It's... just so bad.

The other being Xander and Anya, even though I love Xander and Anya together, but... the entire season was a steady build-up to “Xander REALLY doesn't wanna get married”, literally from the first episode on. He tried to hide the engagement as long as possible. Then he just... makes these disturbed faces every time someone brings up the married life. They had a whole sing and dance number about their doubts. It's just so very evidently clear that he doesn't want to get married, but he takes until the wedding itself to realize and just... leaves Anya at the altar and then thinks he can get her back? Genuinely thinks they could just go back to being in a relationship? But after leaving her at the altar acting like she owes him something – when he watches her and Spike have sex?

Sometimes, it feels like Xander and Willow really live to sabotage their own happiness.

6. Favorite episode?

Once More With Feeling – it's just one of the most outstanding episodes, really! The songs are so brilliant, the emotional arcs this episode for everyone – from the Spuffy to the per-marital issues between Anya and Xander to Tara and Giles' doubts. It's really brilliant. Many shows after have tried to make a musical episode happen and, with luck, they're fun or comic-relief, but... none have lived up to the standard set by this one.

7. Least favorite episode?

Oh, that's an easy one. 6x19 Seeing Red, where they made... Spike, at this point honestly, completely OoC by having him try to rape Buffy. That will never come off as anything but OoC, not after all that has happened between them. Yes, they are violent with each other – but that's a mutual thing, they hurt each other. This was... terrifying to watch as a teen and it hasn't stopped being upsetting and disturbing. And then they top the episode off with Tara being fridged.

I know fridging is technically the act of killing a female character for the sake of a male character's suffering, but... it's gay fridging? It's not even entirely a Bury Your Gay; Tara dies specifically for the pain and suffering of her lover. After everything Tara's been through in life and after everything Willow has put her through this season, they barely just rekindled... and she gets killed off.

8. Favorite Monster Of The Week?

Aesthetically and what he brought to the show? Sweet from Once More, With Feeling.

But I think that Stewart from Hell's Bells also really stood out. The fact that Anya's past came back to haunt her – because she was a demon for a century and she tortured people for a living. She doesn't even remember this guy whose life she ruined and he comes in to ruin her wedding. And in the end... he wasn't even the one to ruin it, the viewer gets one last moment of hope when it's revealed this was a fake-out, that he was not “Xander from the future” but a vengeful demon... but even without Stewart, the wedding didn't happen.

9. Least favorite Monster Of The Week?

Not too many monsters of the week going on, really. Probably Wig Lady from 6x12 Doublemeat Palace, because all the implications of cannibalism in that episode were really very disturbing.

10. Rate the overarching villain!

Brilliant. 10/10. Holds up so well.

Seriously, there is this... frustrating part where Xander's character just does not hold up at all because of the casual sexism and gross over-sexualization of his female friends. Which figures, because that's how a Nice Nerdy Guy was defined in the 90s (and, if you look at modern TV aimed at nerdy guys like The Big Bang Theory, still is). It's just a trope from TV and movies that for some reason really worked back then but nowadays when we look at sexism and the behavior of men toward women with different eyes, it is really appalling and upsetting.

In the case of the nerd trio, this worked out really well for the show, because it only makes them even more effective villains. They are ridiculous losers, total nerds who think they are owed womens' attention. Their schemes are literally straight out of comics but for the dumbest purposes – they make an invisibility ray so they can go into a women's only spa to spy on naked ladies. They create mind-control devices but for the purpose of enslaving women into their sex-puppets.

It is so gross, so ridiculous and inexplicably still somehow funny, because it's straight out of comics. Freeze-rays? Invisibility-rays? Self-destructing lairs? Jet-packs? It is not out of this world, this isn't how Buffy the Vampire Slayer operates, this is a show about monsters and demons and they're turning it into a whacky scifi show and it works.

Then there's the fact that they're just... three dumb losers? I mean, last season, Buffy literally slayed a god. Shows like to escalate. The Big Bads become bigger and badder each season, but... where do you go after you killed a god? Instead of trying to immediately one-up the villain factor, they did something incredibly brilliant. They took all the steps back.

The villains aren't the focus of this season. The focus of this season is what I answered in the first part of this post. Buffy's mental health and readjustment. You can't only focus on that though, you do need a villain and for that, an overarching villain of some loser nerd bois who fail the majority of time are perfect. They're nuisances that make Buffy's life marginally harder at times, but they're not an overall, serious, actual threat that may end the world.

And still they... got Tara killed. In such a... human manner. An angry man-child who hates women comes in with a gun and shoots her. And there's nothing the demon-slaying good guys can do about it. The bullet hits – not the target it was intended for – and takes an innocent life. Just like that, Warren manages what the hellish bad guys from previous seasons hadn't managed; he kills a Scoobie. Angelus killed Jenny, Drusilla killed Kendra, those were the only major deaths at the hands of villains that we had on this show so far and both were minor characters.

Bonus: Other thoughts?

Dawn was so draining this season; she got better in the last quarter of the season but the majority of it... The stealing, the behavior, the blaming Buffy for absolutely everything – Willow got addicted to magic, it's Buffy's fault, they have no money and Buffy has to go and work to earn money and it's Buffy's fault that she's not home, Buffy died to save Dawn and somehow it's Buffy's fault too because she left Dawn. Just... how can you possibly be this self-centered...? It's so exhausting, even more so in the season that has Buffy suffering the most and instead of being a supportive, helpful sister, Dawn acts like she's the victim of everything...

And I understand, Dawn has been through a lot too – losing her mother, losing Buffy, learning she isn't human but just a mass of energy – but there is a difference between suffering yourself and placing all the blame on other people and pretending that the world is against you, instead of tackling your own issues and problems yourself? And stealing from your friends, at that.

And no, being fifteen isn't an excuse for not seeing beyond yourself. Fifteen year olds are sure old enough to be self-aware... This “fifteen year olds only see themselves and only care about their own suffering and everybody else is to be blamed for how shit their life is” is just... another cringey Teen Girl Trope. Seriously, why did they just cram every single bad trope into this character...

[blaccademic]

thanks @desi-dark-academia for tagging me in this cool survey!

last song: A Burning Hill by Mitski. i’m writing a fic loosely inspired by the song so it’s been in heavy rotation. it’s also just a brilliant piece of music that speaks deeply to a lot of personal experiences.

last movie: i— i have no idea?? i’m not really a movie or television person, so i can’t remember the last movie i watched. it was either 1917 or Moana. both are incredible movies and i will throw hands for both of them.

currently reading: Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi. however, i’ve also been reading lots of fanfiction to cope with accidentally watching two videos of Black people suffering at the hands of police. that shit is traumatizing and i unironically cannot speak on them because i shut down and have flashbacks to the video. we love spicy déjà vu.

(but seriously!! put the trigger warning BEFORE the video!! stumbling into videos like that is horrifying and violent towards Black people. just stop. we know our lives mean nothing in America; that every aspect of our society sees our bodies as disposable and our personhoods as meaningless. that’s what we’re trying to change.)

i tag @romanticlikekeats @amurder-ofcrows @abernvthy @darkacademiacottage @thewinedark @academia-darling @academiabutmakeitdiverse @sib-studies and @blackacademia

[tonotbelionized]

Yang’s Mental Health: You Left Us! Why?

Yang Xiao Long, our sunny little dragon, is a character that has a lot of emphasis on her character being that there’s more to her than meets the eye. While she may seem like a carefree, badass boxer with a love for adventure and the unpredictability of it, we as the audience are shown quite early on that she does deal with a lot more beneath the surface.

Even before her amputation and later development of PTSD, we are shown that Yang actually isn’t as happy all the time as she appears to be, and is shown to be deeply affected by the absence of her biological mother; Raven. We’re given a sense that she has trouble actually talking about her problems, even with her sister Ruby or her friends.

So let’s see how deep into her psyche her problems lie, and how the show goes about dealing with these issues that threaten that damper out her fire.

Yang’s Abandonment & Trust Issues

Abandonment and difficulty in trusting people go hand in hand with Yang. It’s not that she has difficulty in growing bonds with people, as we see that she’s open and friendly even to people that she’s never met before, an offset to Blake who’s issues are more trusting people in general.

However, just because Yang can still make bonds with people easily doesn’t mean she expects them to last. It’s explicitly shown in her song regarding her feelings of Blake leaving, All That Matters. She never thought that Blake would always stay with her, because eventually everyone does leave, and the important part of that song is that Yang never asked Blake to commit because of this fear.

Even when she braced herself to what she believed to be an eventuality (everyone she loves leaves her), Yang admits in the song that she never would’ve expected Blake to leave her like she did. When Yang was at her lowest, Blake left without saying a word, and that just cuts her deeper because she was never told why Blake left. It’s the exact same as Raven not giving her a reason for leaving either in Yang’s mind, and to handle with that loss in friendship, Yang falls back on old habits. She clearly shows anger to mask the fact that she’s feeling lost and upset, only letting herself grieve when Ruby’s left the room.

Being abandoned at birth by Raven, and later losing her maternal replacement Summer, at such a young age meant that Yang would have had to rationalise this loss in her own way. Her behaviour both in her later life and from the tidbits we’re given in her conversations with Taiyang can help us see how Yang actually coped with it.

Given that Ruby was old enough to have solid memories of her mother, which doesn’t happen until the child is around five years old, so Yang would’ve been seven at the earliest with Summer’s death. With a child at that age, there are many different ways that they would process the loss, but it would only in limited ways because they are still trying to understand the concept of death overall. The ones that I think apply to Yang the most are:

May conceal their loss

Being irritable, having more tantrums, or developing aggressive behaviour

Looking for the person who’s died

With concealing her loss, we can see Yang doing that exact thing in the actual show. She rarely talks about Raven until she talks to Blake in Volume 2, and it’s implied in her annoyance at actually talking about her with Taiyang in Volume 4 that they weren’t really allowed to talk about this loss before. It’s even worse with Summer Rose, as Yang only talks about her when talking to Blake and in passing comment with Weiss in Volume 5, but both their losses still affect her.but the fact that Blake left so soon and without even saying a word while Yang was at her lowest meant that she 

Her aggressive behaviour is shown even before she developed PTSD. While she’s pretty laid back while fighting, she does quickly jump to violence with her fight in Junior’s bar in her trailer, and that she is quickly prone to angry outbursts at the slightest annoyance. It’s so much part of her character that Cinder takes advantage of it to pit her against Mercury, her previous outbursts with Neon meaning that it’s not hard for the people watching to assume Yang is that violent. 

While Raven didn’t die, her absence is basically the same thing because she isn’t there, and Yang had never seen her until her time in Beacon. Her desire to look for her biological mother pushed Yang to take Ruby and put her in danger when they are attacked by Grimm, and Yang acknowledges herself that her push and want to find Raven almost got her and her little sister killed. This is the only one that Yang seems to have moved on by herself, as she never allows her mission for answers control her life or put people she loves in danger again. 

While it’s not Taiyang’s fault that he fell into a deep depression after that, we do have to acknowledge that he didn’t help Yang through this loss emotionally. Without someone to help her rationalise and develop healthy coping mechanisms to handle her negative emotions, Yang has been left to deal with these problems alone, and that’s led to her doing so the only way she knows how; by simply ignoring them or letting them fester as anger. It’s the same problem I’ve highlighted in my Mentality of Adam post, a child that isn’t given guidance is at danger of becoming lost.

Yang’s PTSD

Before we go into depth about Yang’s PTSD, I would like to mention that there is a difference in PTSD and C-PTSD, or Complex Post-Traumatic Disorder, because that’s the main reason why I don’t connect with some of Yang’s struggles. We both have different forms of this disorder.

The main difference that has to be said is that PTSD is from a singular moment of trauma, like a natural disaster or a single moment of violence. In Yang’s case, her PTSD is caused by her dismemberment by Adam, a singular moment of trauma that continues to haunt her long after the incident has happened. C-PTSD is caused by ongoing cases of extreme violence and stress, such as childhood abuse, leading to victims experiencing particularly intense symptoms.

Moving on, PTSD is one of the central obstacles that Yang has to learn to live with, given that she was very much pushed to the background in terms of development compared to the rest of Team RWBY, at least until her fight with Mercury. At the beginning, we are clearly shown that Yang suffering from multiple symptoms of the disorder; nightmares, flashbacks that trigger panic attacks, insomnia, easily irritable and angered, temporary detachment from Ruby after she lost her arm.

This aspect of her mental state is given a lot of screen time, and Yang is never shown to just get over her fears. Even after trying on her new arm and getting back some of her old self confidence, Yang still shows that she has problems to deal with because of this disorder. She is easily angered whereas before, she could have be in high tense situations without losing her cool that much, especially in Weiss and Blake’s argument in Volume 1 and her talk with Blake in Volume 2. Now, Yang is shown to even snap at her friends when she’s stressed, and her hand shakes as a visual medium to show when she’s starting to get into highly stressful situations.

This even carries on into Volume 6. Her behaviour deteriorates not just because of her PTSD, but also because of the Apathy in the farm, and we see that she still suffers from flashbacks of Adam. When Blake tries to comfort Yang and instead accidentally oversteps her boundaries, Yang is easily offended and brushes Blake off, still showing that easily irritable side that hasn’t quite been dealt with. 

When she finally faces against Adam, she’s obviously in a better space mentally than she was in the beginning of her arc, but that doesn’t mean that her PTSD has now been fixed because you can never fix a mental disorder, you can only manage it. And it shows in their fight. When Adam brings up what he did to her in Beacon, Yang falters, she’s clearly stressed from her hand shaking, but now she’s been taught how to deal with that fear without losing her temper or by buckling under the pressure. As much as I personally deride the hand holding scene with Blake, I will give it credit in that the grounding effect it would have on Yang would help her control that overwhelming sensation PTSD can bring out. 

I continue to hold hope that the writers won’t know push it under the rug just because Adam is dead, given that they’ve treated Yang’s arm as a good replacement without showing how much having a prosthetic affects her, not only mentally but physically as well. PTSD and amputation are not interchangeable. 

Yang as an Unreliable Narrator

There are only a few ways to learn of a character’s backstory and childhood; we either see enough ourselves to put the pieces together, or the character tells someone, and by proxy the audience. This is the same for Yang. While we have only one flashback to show how Yang’s drive to find Raven put her and Ruby in danger, we mostly get the information from Yang herself, but that puts up a serious problem.

Because of the emotional impact the events had on her, Yang has become an unreliable narrator. That’s not to say that she’s completely lying, it’s obvious that Taiyang was severely depressed after losing Summer and Raven, but trauma and mental illness can mean that a person recalls their past in a somewhat tinted way. Not quite completely incorrect, but morphed slightly from the truth.

Yang felt completely alone but we know that Qrow and Taiyang were there for her in terms of helping to raise Ruby and meet Yang’s physical needs, but she has clearly felt that she couldn’t rely on the grown ups in her life for emotional support. Because of this, she has gone to simply burying her feelings on the subject and being there emotionally for Ruby whenever she needed it. A hint at how skewered her perception is, or perhaps the fault of the writers, is what she said to Weiss during their talk.

“My mom left me. Ruby’s mom left too. Tai was always busy with school and Ruby couldn’t even talk yet. I had to pick up the pieces. I had to keep things together. Alone.”

A small mention to the Ruby line. It might be intentional, or a result of the writers keeping the timeline very vague and as such impacting the story, but Ruby would’ve been talking if she was old enough to remember what Summer Rose looked like in that amount of detail. Children start talking when they’re eighteen to twenty-four months old, and Ruby would’ve been older than that. 

The main thing with this quote is how Yang deals with Summer Rose’s death. She puts it in the same frame of mind as Raven leaving, despite the fact that Summer didn’t willingly choose to die. It paints Yang with a severely impacted mental state that she can’t emotionally distinguish between someone willingly abandoning her and someone dying on a mission. As a result, we can’t distinguish enough accurately what actually happened or what is being recalled through Yang’s view.

What she says also goes against what canon established beforehand. We were told that Taiyang was overprotective by Ruby’s shared empathy over Penny’s father being overprotective to her, we know that the two girls have a good relationship with their father through their interactions and their reaction to Tai sending Zwei through the mail. Not only that, but Tai was competent in raising the girls enough that Yang had to wait until he left the house before she could go looking for Raven.

These contradictory statements on Taiyang just shows that Yang is not at a good place emotionally to give the audience a clear picture of what her childhood and her father really were like, and that’s not Yang’s fault. As I said before, she was never taught how to handle these negative emotions properly because Taiyang was struggling with his depression, and because of this tragedy, she’s internalised the grief as well as she could. Unfortunately for Yang, this trauma has morphed her personality but her memories too.

Edit: Also another point that I just had to add on, memory in and of itself is extremely unreliable. Most often we remember how we felt with trauma, not exactly what happened, and that leads to a biased perception on a series of events.

That’s the basis for Yang and her mental state, and given that the main source of her PTSD has been dealt with, we can hopefully see a proper resolution with her dealing with these negative coping mechanisms and become more open about her feelings with her friends. 

Thanks for reading guys, see you all later!

[taek-a-deep-breath]

The Whole EXO Storyline Theory

It’s been so long that I’ve done that and I’ve been away from Tumblr for so long, because of no comeback and a disinterest in the use of the app.

Let’s go and dive into yet another theory

It’s been so long that I’ve done that and I’ve been away from Tumblr for so long p, because of no comeback and a disinterest in the use of the app.

I think I’ll explain simply what I’ve been pondering for a while. I knew that EXO’s story wasn’t in a chronological order. I’ve been thinking about flash forward and flash black, and it didn’t add up until recently and just now I got the idea because of KoKoBop. Hearing it for the 900th time took a toll on me.

So you have to add History in the storyline -my storyline- for it to make sense.

Introduction:

HISTORY is the opening of the story of the 12 guardians and it’s simple to understand that it’s the story of EXO once they have their powers or are first formed into controlling their powers on EXOPlanet. The lyrics literally tell you that the story begins here, that’s why most of the theories are incomplete. You have to add HISTORY to EXO’s chronology to understand the process used to tell the story. It’s baby EXO #1.

I went round and round

And came back here to start again

Yeah, EXO-M, EXO-K

The future we are about to start, history - HISTORY

MAMA is the first eclipse that we are aware of, it reunites everyone wether EXO are in a world or another. It’s when EXO-K and EXO-M’s parallels universe collide and it’s when it’s also most dangerous for EXO as if they can reach each other, the RED FORCE can also reach all of them.

WOLF we have to thank the gods that SM released a drama because GROWL and WOLF eras are the most confusing pieces and made it difficult to finish this theory. The use of WOLF could not be about any wolf fantasy -even though I bet the Twilight show was the cause of it, the drama with Jongin as Edward is still iconic. But it seems to be more about that human would always go back to primary instinct even in the worst cases (death, violence, etc.) -at the end when Luhan uses his power in the most rough form and accidentally injures Kyungsoo. Well, we could go about Kyungsoo’s character and thinking that is the beginning of this grave and ambiguous character in EXO. I don’t know why but EXO are victims of amnesia, they don’t remember that they are aliens and they are here on Earth to save their own world. This is teenager EXO.

GROWL following the series of WOLF. Some begins to become aware of their differences others don’t. Well you know exactly who is maybe already aware, it’s mostly seen in GROWL’s choreography when at the bridge Luhan turns Jongin’s head toward the general direction of others, Jongin is already looking at another direction (Luhan and Jongin are always the first to know), maybe the future of EXO.

OVERDOSE they are rat labs, I’ll talk more a less about it after the resume.

CALL ME BABY I like to think that there is a ‘talon d’Achille’ in EXO and it’s right in the form of our great Do Kyungsoo the most enigmatic character. If Jongin is always first in the teasers because he opens the story of EXO, the place of Kyungsoo as the LAST one is not for naught.

LOVE ME RIGHT Same as OVERDOSE, they are experimented on.

MONSTER There’s is this embedded idea of treason.

LUCKY ONE joins the series of Overdose and Love Me Right.

LOTTO confirms the idea of Kyungsoo being an antagonist and will be confirmed in THE WAR.

KOKOBOP Like EXO said themselves it’s the idea of being babies and playing with your powers. This is rebirth. Babies EXO #2. I’ll just add about Kyungsoo that in EXO’s Version A photocard EXO are all embracing their powers apart from one, Kyungsoo who is pointing a gun at his power. Just to put in a place of my mind and your mind, he only acts like that on Earth so something may had happen or already happened in the MVs.

POWER Major prequel and brings light to what really happened on EXOPlanet.

Theories:

So I only used the main comebacks and resumed every EXO MVs. As of now I’ll explain my non-useful theory because why not and I love to suffer. You have to think throughout the whole theory it’s like you are stuck in a broken time machine or you are hit by amnesia.

Transcending time and space

I dream of an Eden’s morning

Let’s go, we are that kind of existence - HISTORY

Time lapse theory:

The story of EXO goes back and forth like you are in a time machine you can only go back or forward, but with the exact same time frame, like 2 and -2.

HISTORY is way back in time, it means its counterpart MAMA is way later in the storyline. It’s one of the most recent era of EXO. So at first I was thinking about scenes on Earth and EXOPlanet and it didn’t make sense, so I told myself if EXO had flashbacks of around 100 years ago, it’ll mean that we could have a snippet of 100 years after the point 0 and it made more sense. So if something happened 5 years before, we could get 5 after the point 0. But I don’t know the point 0, maybe when the powers are split and they are put into two parallels universe or because of the short time lapse between LOTTO and MONSTER, it always changes and that’s why we’re so confused with EXO storyline.

WOLF/GROWL are the counterpart of OVERDOSE, they are in the future and OVERDOSE can maybe be a snippet of the Red Force main and most used strategies into putting EXO in mazes. EXO have three MVs starring mazes, it means they spent a long time in them. So as the logic goes CALL ME BABY is the counterpart of LOVE ME RIGHT. As MONSTER is the counterpart of LOTTO, it is the most short time lapse between the two eras. Of course KOKOBOP is the counter part of POWER and gives a lot of intel on EXO managing their powers, but this insight is better for the other way of seeing EXO’s storyline.

Amnesia theory:

Imagine someone struck by amnesia. The only way for someone to regain their memories is with time or by being recalled familiar settings, objects, etc.

EXO are brought into memory of HISTORY with the euphoria of the first eclipse, they feel the same rushing feeling of when they had first their powers in MAMA. MAMA is the whole activation of their powers at the most pure form. When their powers rushed to them as they are in EXOPlanet and they were guided they used in full blast their powers, it means that MAMA is the time when EXO can use at its most pure form and powerful form, it means they have full control over them.

The trigger is then pulled during the WOLF/GROWL era. They are young teenagers stricken by amnesia and lost in a new world, darker than when they were younger and innocent. It’s how the reminiscence of OVERDOSE starts. Their most traumatic time is the first time they entered the maze.

CALL ME BABY or better PATHCODE is the trigger when they are in danger and they sense there’s something beginning to change. LOVE ME RIGHT is when they completely understand that they recall the memory of when they woke up from their slumber in the maze, when they truly understood that it was danger.

MONSTER and LOTTO -LOTTO is for me an MV that explains how EXO works, it points towards the presence of an antagonist *cough* Kyungsoo *cough* or someone that works on his own schedule- are when they breakthrough, when they understand the system, it’s all rage and violence. MONSTER and LOTTO were a confusing piece like WOLF and GROWL, the settings are pretty similar, it’s like a story divided or that the time lapse is really short between the two eras. It’s being prepared to go to war. Hence, why LUCKY ONE is the memory of getting away from the Red Force, as they are in real danger of loosing their lives.

KOKOBOP is telling what happened when the guys came on Earth and as the end of LUCKY ONE introduced they didn’t come back all pristine from this cruel maze that took away 3 powers. As I explained, POWER is then the memory that got triggered by KOKOBOP, as it’s innocence and full of curiosity, POWER is the exact contrary, it’s pure rampage, it’s THE WAR -hence why POWER is used is the cutest MV of EXO because it’s the most cruel and violent one. It’s basically the story of children who lost everything and have to fight to survive. It’s like in anime or comics when you show war in a less rebuttal way.

When they won against the Red Force, it was just after breaking from the maze and the experimental laboratory, they fight for their powers but also the 3 powers that lost their partners. It means when they are sent to Earth, the 3 other powers follow them. As EXO work in pairs, it means that the one that inherits the three powers are the remaining pair. It means Chanyeol, Sehun and Jongin. Hence, why we see the three of them lying on the ground at 0:09 in the MV of KoKoBop -number nine is a divine number in EXO’s storyline. As Jongin is always the first to be introduced and he is an opening, he is the first one to master Luhan’s power: Telekinesis. It’s with the help of Suho and Xiumin as they are the oldest and the most in sink pair as LUCKY ONE demonstrated near the end of the MV, they are the only ones that are connected to each other.

Kyungsoo and Chen are working on the side, maybe on understanding more how their power work together. I don’t know why Xiumin and Suho split up for Sehun and Chanyeol, maybe because of the affinity of their powers to the other. Xiumin is getting along well with Sehun, whereas Suho is having a hard time with a Chanyeol that seems to be the least cooperative -Suho drenched in water, being in a washing machine, Chanyeol being wild during the whole MV, etc.

I understand that Jongin was the first to understand how to use the powers of Luhan because of how their powers are not that farther apart. Sehun is the one that’ll have the most difficulty because of Tao’s power -Time Control- that is so far from his original power. But we see that he conquers it at the break dance of the song when he says ‘Break it down now’. And Chanyeol finally conquers the power -Flight- of Kris when he sends flying the basket ball.

Conclusion:

At the end of the day, I think that the best theory is the Amnesia theory and the time lapse theory is only an help in understanding the chronology. It goes well with story line and as you can see I put it in the order of the comebacks. Like we say everyday, the writers of EXO don’t do anything by coincidence. Please note that all the funky and aesthetic MVs of EXO points toward the most brutal eras of EXO -Love Me Right, Lucky One and Power- that may represent respectively, torture and major use of drugs, torture and experimental experiment, war and violence on innocents.

[ketzwrites]

Rewatch 108: Bad Blood

The plot thickens. Both Clary and Alec have to make their minds over decisions that will influence people they love: only Alec’s involves himself and Clary’s is over someone else’s fate. Unrelated, Izzy looks really good in a lab coat.

Teaser

The first rule of shadowhunting has three parts and they all amount to “be irresponsible but look cool.”

For posterity, Izzy agrees that they need to give the Mortal Cup back to the Clave. But Clary and Jace want to use the MC to, I guess, lure Valentine into a trap but not give it to him. They still think they can outsmart him.

Lucky there is never other shadowhunters on patrol. Imagine if it wasn’t the core four who found Raphael with Simon’s corpse, hm? Awkward.

Act One

Izzy justifies a war against an entire race because of the actions of one person. Jace is ready to fight that war. I’m having flashbacks of 103.

Oh, the irony of Raphael belittling Simon for coming back for blood “like an addict”.

There’s a discussion to have about Raphael’s role in Simon’s death. He is responsible for choosing to follow Camille’s orders, but he is also the person that essentially saved Simon and warned Simon to stay away. He is also the person that ensured Simon would have a chance to come back as a vampire after Camille killed Simon. No deed cancels the other, but I particularly blame Camille for Simon’s death and only then I blame Raphael and Clary for Simon becoming a vampire.

“Not the sexed up, romantic kind. The ugly, blood-sucking, coffin dwelling kind.” Raphael is right there, proving that wrong. Camille proves it wrong. In fact, every single vampire we’ve seen so far is sexed up and romanticized.

Jocelyn still wears a wedding ring? Really? Well, at least Valentine puts two and two together and realizes Clary is his kid.

It’s interesting how Robert is painted as the down-to-Earth, good parent while Maryse is the suck-up, bad parent. How things will change in time.

The last straw for the Lightwoods to lose the Institute is their meddling in Downworlder affairs. I wish the writers of the show remembered this piece of world-building down the line.

It’s not your fault that bad people exist, Clary.

Lydia’s entrance is incredibly badass and well-written. She’s supposed to be all business and testing the Institute, so she masks herself as their so-called greatest enemy and walks in. She’s able to evaluate the Institute’s defense mechanisms and reaction time. It also shows her confidence in her own abilities and that said confidence is justified: Alec’s aim has been shown to be lethal and she is the first person able to defend against him. Truly well-done.

Act Two

Lydia is also shown to be competent and tough, but in the most unlikable way possible. We’re not supposed to like her, but we are supposed to respect her. Like Izzy does.

There are no women in the NY pack, are there? Too bad they didn’t introduce Maia’s character already in the first season. She could’ve been just a background character, much like Alaric, and then get a bigger role in season 2.

Even suspension of disbelief isn’t enough to accept that Elaine wouldn’t have heard Jace and Clary talking in this silent room she is also in.

Lydia is supposed to be inquisitive of everything, but it is not suspicious that the Acting HotI has the contact of the closest Alpha. I’d think it would be expected of Alec to receive word when the Downworlders of NY are attacked.

I deeply appreciate the explicit references to Simon’s Jewishness in this episode. I also like that Clary knows where he keeps his religious stuff in his room. It creates great normalcy for all of it and it proves how integral to Simon’s life his religion is. So much so, his non-Jewish best friend can gather the important stuff while discussing how distressed she is with her sort-of-boyfriend.

This exchange between Clary and Jace is absolutely amazing and it should’ve been the foundation of their relationship. But, more importantly, it should’ve been Clary’s brand of shadowhunting: being compassionate and showing mercy makes her different than the others. It makes her better than the others.

And now, Lydia’s mini “redemption” arc starts. Her harshness gets softened and she is kind to Alec, showing that she is not just a bitch trying to pry the Institute away from the Lightwoods. Once, she followed her heart, but only got sorrow for it. So, she masks that side of her and, instead, portrays herself as the soldier she is meant to be. The perfect shadowhunter in the eyes of the Clave.

In sum, Lydia is a cautionary tale for Alec. And, at first glance, we could think Lydia’s story is supposed to tell Alec to suck up his feelings and follow his orders. That, by doing so, he too can become an envoy personally mentored by the Inquisitor. He too can get his own Institute to lead one day. But that would be the wrong read. Because Lydia is a cautionary tale, but of what Alec shouldn’t do. He shouldn’t suck up his feelings and follow corrupted and elitist people like Imogen Herondale. He shouldn’t stop following his heart, even when it leads to sorrow and complications. So much so that, in the end, it will be Alec who will inspire Lydia to change; to defy Imogen by rescinding her accusations against Izzy and to accept the dissolution of a mutually beneficial marriage. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

It’s still funny to me how Lydia has no social skills whatsoever. She is literally the only other character that could play bad cop to Alec’s good cop.

Act Three

The whole scene with Lydia and Alec at the morgue is perfect. Perfect. Not in small part for Lydia trying to justify being Circle Member as a forgivable “mistake” and the contrast with Alec’s absolute disgust. He knows it isn’t a mistake to be a part of a violent blood supremacist group: it’s a choice. His unwillingness to excuse his parents is what sets Alec apart from the other shadowhunters.

Ps: Magnus invented the Portal. Lydia’s ancestral was there. Just to make it clear.

Clary going to Luke for solace about Simon’s death is much more emotional to me now than it was back when I first watched this scene.

This scene with Magnus and Izzy is such a classic. Too bad they don’t get to interact much.

The internalized racism that Luke deals with is an amazing plotline. We barely scratch the surface here but it’s a very poignant arc that could’ve been underline his whole character development. Luke clearly still hurts to talk about his transformation: him finding pride in being a werewolf is something I’d be interested in seeing.

Act Four

Alec feels comfortable enough with Magnus to just pour down his deepest and most urgent issues about his life. To Magnus’ credit, he listens and takes Alec’s doubts seriously. Also, shirtless scene.

Raphael’s coup d’état is done so unceremoniously, it’s a shame. The ideologies in conflict here are just what I like to see: morally gray and still compelling. Camille killed Simon because she wanted to, simple as that. Camille was ready to just get rid of Simon’s corpse and keep on as if nothing had happened. She gives no damns about the Accords. Which is awful when it hurts mundanes, but the Accords are the shadowhunters’ rules. Why should Camille follow them?

Raphael, on the other side, wants to follow the Accords. Although, it’s not because he cares about the mundanes: he just doesn’t want problems with the shadowhunters. It’s an interesting conflict and it’s a waste that the Downworlder politics existed in the season but were reduced to the background of Simon’s arc.

BUT Clary straight up punches Camille on the face and I am here for that.

First instance of hearing “the Law is hard, but it is the Law.” And, as always, the Clave focus on palliative measures instead of doing its job and actually protecting the Shadow World. If the Clave really believed the Lightwoods could be working with Valentine, it would’ve removed the whole family from the city, not just the command of the Institute. This is a political maneuver for show only.

Excellent use of camera angle to show which piece of wood Clary chooses while keeping the suspense to the maximum.

Act Five

Shadowhunters does great work with songs and emotional scenes. Simon’s burial is incredibly well crafted.

Alec is now on the point in his arc where he makes his first attempt to correct the consequences of his wrong-doings. His proposal to Lydia is not the ultimate right move, but it is a move in which Alec is ceasing a little control of his destiny by at least choosing his bride. He understood the concept of shaping his own destiny, but he’s not thinking big enough. Alec still has to learn not to accept his punishment (the arranged marriage) at all. Halfway there.

Jace is very sweet here, listing all the things Simon’s survived.

Act Six

This whole blood thing confuses me. Valentine used seelie blood - which is half angel and half demon blood – on the mundanes before drawing the runes that turned them into Forsakens. But Izzy identified the angelic and mundane blood – she mentions “Nephilim” while studying the corpse. Not the demon blood. Why?

Valentine using angel blood on the Forsakens to get them inside the Institute was a smart plan and I applaud the writers for coming up with it. I just wonder what Valentine’s goal was. Where the Forsakens supposed to take the Mortal Cup? In which case, they are not smart enough. Where they supposed to kill all the shadowhunters in the Institute? In that case, just one of them is too few.

As well acted as this scene of Simon waking up as a vampire is, I don’t understand why Simon would say he is repulsive. He was more than happy to talk about how hot Camille was, Jace has mentioned how mundanes romanticize vampires, and Simon is established as a fan of geek stuff. I’d think he’d be more traumatized for having died.