#sorry this is late! ive been REAL distracted lately

[thedrotter]

not-yet-dead-person

silly comic of a conversation in-game i thought was too funny not to make something proper for instead of a doodle ww

(timelapse + wip images (thus silly process commentary in read more if you like artist commentary :3)

i think the sketch looks silly and goofy and funny so i find it important to share with you the mere presence of the faces i drew on it. i drew it on top of the boxes without staying inside its borders because i find my proportions can get wonky if i draw them cropped in a restricted space. and I feel trapped otherwise and i will draw BAD!!! give me spaceeeee to go wild!!!!

the head circles are there for emotional support

very low res speedpaint because truth is the canvas was much bigger than the space where my comic was placed. i didnt account when exporting my timelapse in 720px that that tiny space would look so pixelated ... but it's able to be percieved, so its okay.

(i will now comment on my process and it is not brief sorry)

usually i would try to clean up my sketches and figure out what goes on top before jumping into linework, but since there are multiple panels and drawings i chose to jump into inking right away for the sake of brevity. i just went in with a brush that uses pen pressure and drew what was needed. i added extra line thickness and contrast in areas around the face because it helps direct your eyes there more easily that way.

according to her equipment rei has a chain belt but i only remembered it existed once I was going to color, and i did not like that discovery... I chose to ignore it to maintain my peace. i already have the color palettes for these characters figured out, and i didnt really want to think about a new element at the moment www I tend to overthink those things a lot so i skipped it

the rest is rather straightforward! not that anything else wasn't, but in here i could turn my brain off and sing. linework and sketching require mumbling so i cannot turn my brain off. just block in the characters with a solid color so i can have a mask (something along those lines,) where the color can stay inside. then just color in !!!

Base colors just had slight cell shading on the skin, and for the hair i airbrush a bit of the skincolor in low opacity near the forehead... I'm not sure what it means, but i can look at the faces easier with it somehow. i like the gentle subtlety it adds even if you cant really tell. it makes things look nice.

background was just me blocking in the color of the wall and floor, shade the wall a bit, then slap a noise and free use wood texture on top. work smarter not harder ! yet it took a bit to make it look stylistically fitting with the characters, and even now i think bottom middle panel looks odd. whatever!!!

for the middle panel i thought itd be funny if the background was a solid silly and colorful one to contrast the next panel's sketchy black one. a contrast to how the word widow is seen. on that note my handwritting is not pointy. i gaslighted my hand into thinking that it was indeed pointy in that moment so i could write "not-yet dead person" in letters that didn't seem cute. my hand did not fall for it but it complied anyway

that's basically it! I'm not sure what else i could say that doesn't feel barebones because it really is that straightforward. if you're curious I used clip studio paint for this. only special brush used was for linework (a brush named Lemon Brush), the rest used were just the default. my computer gets the least credit. it was trying to convince me a 20mb file was going to nuke it all the time and hardly let me save multiple times so i do not appreciate it

[raksh-writes]

Maybe this doesn’t need to be said, but Im feeling awful about it, so -- to any mutuals that might notice Im not following them anymore, I'm sorry about that. I've just seen too many posts on my dash that I have no way of blocking because they're not tagged in any way and they're distressing enough it's turning one of the only places I considered a safe space not safe for me anymore. So for my own mental health, I had to unfollow. I Will refollow in the future and I still love y'all, but I just-- I can’t. Ive been noticing some very worrying stuff about my mental and emotional state and it's just too much currently. I hope it's at least an understandable decision, and I wish y'all are having a good day out there 💗

[daddyslilchickenfingers2]

Shower Sex (Chris)

Request: none

Warnings: getting caught masturbating, shower sex (obvi), super cringe, daddy kink

A/N: this was one of the fics i wrote very early on so I apologize if it’s bad. SO SORRY ITS POSTED SO LATE IVE BEEN SO BUSY TODAY

Y/n’s pov

I had just taken a shower and got out, going to grab my blow dryer brush to dry my hair but yet again Chris had stolen it. I rolled my eyes and put my robe on as I went down the hall to Chris’ room to get it back. I could hear his music playing and I assumed he’d be in the corner gaming, so I just walked straight into his bathroom but I was met by sight I was most definitely not expecting to see, all I can say is thank god for glass showers.

There Chris was in the shower, dick in hand as he leaned against the wall. “Oh shit, yeah just like that baby, suck my fucking dick Y/n!” I was shocked to hear him moaning my name. I gasped making his hand still and eyes shoot open “Y/n! What the fuck are you doing, how long have you been standing there!? Get out!” I looked down at his hard cock before looking up at his flushed face with a cheesy grin. “Do you really want me to get out? Because it sure didn’t sound like that a second ago.” I teased as I walked closer to the shower door.

“St-stop, why are you here?” he nervously asked “Well I was coming to get my blow dryer but I think I like this distraction better.” I said as I loosened my short robe. “Shut up.” Chris opened the shower door, no longer embarrassed but 10x hornier “You know my name sounds pretty good coming out of your mouth, wonder how it would sound coming from above me.” I loosened my robe a little more, so it was now barely covering my tits.

Chris unties my robe and pushes it off my shoulders, grabbing my arm and yanking me it to shower. He closes the shower door before wrapping his hand around my throat and slamming me against the cold tile wall of the shower. “I thought I told you to fucking shut up. God, you’re such a whore, standing there watching me jack off.” he pressed himself against me and let go of my throat.

I quickly flipped us around catching him by surprise. “Wha-“ I smashed our lips together before he could finish. I pulled away quickly getting down on my knees “You wanted me to suck your dick, now’s your chance, slutty boy.” Chris’ dick visibly twitched at my words. He took his dick in his hand, tapping his tip against my lips, saying “Put your hands behind your back and open your fucking mouth.” I did as he said, sticking my tongue out. He roughly shoved his large cock into my mouth making me gag when the tip hit the back of my throat. I started bobbing my head up and down, sucking hard on the tip when Chris’ hand came to the back of my head forcing me to take the whole thing and holding me there for a moment. He started using his hand to decide the speed he wanted but quickly ended up using both hands to hold my head in place “Gonna fuck that slutty little mouth of yours princess.” he told me before thrusting his cock in and out of my mouth.

The sounds of Chris’ groans and me gagging quickly filled the shower as his tip kept hitting the back of my throat. “Fuck, just like that baby mhm sucking daddy’s cock so well!” His dirty talk caused me to moan around him causing his hips to sputter for a second before he pulled me off. “I don’t wanna cum just yet princess.” he told me while pulling me up by my hair. I was quickly pressed against the cold tile wall as Chris aggressively pressed his lips to mine in a hot and sloppy kiss. He brought my left leg up around his waist, running two fingers through my folds before shoving them inside. Chris’ fingers moved quickly in and out of me while he rubbed my clit and started sucking hickies onto my neck making me whine. “You think you’re for the real thing yet baby?” He whispered in my ear, “Please daddy, need your cock now!” I moaned.

Chris wasted no time, pulling his fingers out and shoving them into my mouth, “Go ahead baby, put daddy’s cock in you.” he instructed me. I lined Chris’ cock up with my hole before he thrust into me, his free hand helping me keep my left leg up. He started slowly thrusting into me as he left sloppy kisses along my neck and chest.

“You’re s-so big daddy, f-faster please.”I moaned making Chris pull away from my neck to look at me. He placed his lips onto mine, slightly biting my lip while squeezing hip tightly before he pulled away. “You want me to go faster baby?” he murmured against my lips.

I let out a whimper due to his slow trusts as an answer, “Yeah? Okay jump and I’ll fuck you faster.” I jumped and Chris caught me. He used the wall to help hold me up and started thrusting faster and harder making me a moan mess.

“Like that? God you’re such a fucking whore, my brothers are gonna hear you! Bet that’s what you want huh? You want Nick and Matt to hear you being fucked like a slut don’t you?” He said seductively while groaning. My moans and whines were pretty loud so the other two brothers had definitely heard me at this point. “Yes daddy, want them to hear you making me feel so good.” I whine/moaned out, Chris’ hand snaked between our body’s and he rubbed my clit.

My nails scratched down his back before I brought one up to pull on his hair, “Kiss me, please.” I begged. Chris quickly obliged as we started having a rough makeout session, licking and biting at each other’s mouths. His thrusts were getting more aggressive as both our moans grew increasingly louder “Fuck, you’re so tight for me baby! Gonna let me cum in that tight little cunt of yours?” he spoke against my ear.

“S-So close ca-can I please cum daddy? I’ve been a good girl for you, please!” I begged him in a whiny moan. “Go ahead, cum on my cock like the good little whore you are.” Chris responded with a smirk as his fingers rubbed my clit faster. I hid my head in Chris’ neck in an attempt to suppress my moans, failing as they were loud either way.

“Thank you daddy- ohh fuck I’m cumming!” I announced as a came around his cock. Chris was still chasing his own high, no longer rubbing my clit as he held onto my hips. Too focused on making himself cum he didn’t realize I was being overstimulated until I tightened around him again. “Fuck, I’m cumming again- mhm yes, shit!” I cried out.

I came for a second time “That’s my good girl, cumming on my cock twice tonight- fuck.” he praised in a growl as he came inside me. His hip’s stilled for a moment as we caught our breath before slowly pulling out. We both hissed at the feeling of being sensitive as he send me down onto my feet. My legs were slightly shaking and sore so I wrapped my arms around Chris’ neck for support.

His hands were still firmly planted on my waist as he pulled us away from the wall. Capturing my lips in a passionate kiss, full of so many emotions. “God, I love you Y/n! I’m not just saying that because we had sex, I mean I’m literally in love with you. I always have been and I always will be.” Chris confessed as we pulled away. “I love you too Chris, so fucking much.” I replied as I placed a soft kiss on his lips. This was definitely going to become more than we thought it would as after that we were basically inseparable.

All work is subject to copyright

©Daddyschickenfingers 2024

Do not steal, use, or reupload my work

[madstronaut]

WIP WRITES RIGHTS NOW! I SAID WIP WRITES RIGHTS NOW

blahblahmaster rant list link blahblah dont look at me

PSA when you only just discover a moot is a prolific writer you run to read all her writing and comment in excruciating detail cc: @gemmahale

blorbo x named oc fans, this one’s for you (it’s me, im talking about me)

please see below a random and incomprehensive ramblelist of my stream of consciousness as I sampled from gemma's works:

Feylands WIP

I find the content warning tags extremely titillating (also I have not seen such a prolifically well organized tag list AND color coordinated to boot like gemma’s blog???? putting my outlook inbox/work docs/excel sheets to shame!!!) and I don’t even read/like fae stories (yes I never read ACOTAR and I don’t plan to anytime soon, I missed that booktok ship, most likely cos im not on the tikky tokky as the children like to say, i watch the reposts on instagram like a proper mlllenial)

Josephine’s heart pitter-pattered at the compliment, heat climbing up her cheeks as she mumbled a thanks, their eyes locking again. 

🥰🥰🥰NOT THE PITTER PATTER

my inquisitive ass is already like “what’s gary’s real name” and “hearing aid = soap b/c of all the damn bombs he blows up?” “but i headcanon gaz with freckles, maybe it’s gaz? gaz = gary?” “or maybe ghost = gary?” GEMMA GIVE US WIPS I MEAN HINTS PUT ME OUTTA MY MISERY

Call of the Wild WIP

I love the little note gemma included about this being inspired by @deadbranch (shoutout to branchy btw my beloved) - honestly floored at all the beautiful fic/headcanon/drabbles/askfills ive read that are the brainchilds birthed from love for other creators’ brainchildren

also equally floored at how many of writers here are like “this incredibly layered/moving/tender/spicy/nasty fic came to me in a dream”

also SUBVERTED TROPES SUBVERTED TROPES SUBVERTED TROPESSSSS

Kyle cleared his throat, shifting his stance. “She prefers to be called a wolf.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHA GODDDD THIS WAS A ZINGER

“Please!” Kyle called back, face half covered in shaving cream.

i need fanart of this right fucking now let me, i mean shannon, sorry oops but haha..unless? finishing shaving you bby

and FUCKING ROACH IS IN THIS FIC HOLD ME BACK OR YOU *WILL* GET CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE OF ME TEARING APART THE BARS OF MY ENCLOSURE BECAUSE MY BRIEF HYPERFIXATION ON ROACH IS BACK WITH A VENGEANCE FROM THIS SMALL SNIPPET AND IN THIS 500 PG DISSERTATION I WILL-

also THAT PROLOGUE APPETIZER SLAYED ME

“The way I see it, you’re fucked either way. You don’t make it out of here, you’re fucked. You become mine, you’re fucked - but in the good way.”

this + the mention of bulge + damp cheek definitely brought a visceral IRL memory for me (affectionate/horny)

also sidenote: it’s the little things that matter and gemma i see you gurl and salute you - incorporating things like hearing aids, mentioning roach is HoH/using sign language, shannon using a shower cap for her curly hair - 😘👌

Corporal Distraction WIP

holy MOTHER OF FUCK THIS SHORT LITTLE EXCHANGE IS FUCKING HOOOOOOOOOT

The captain moved closer to her, gently lifting her chin up with his finger. “So you’re the bird that’s got my sergeant distracted.”

“Sir?”

“Been trying to figure out what’s got Gaz so twisted up lately. Figured it was a partner, didn’t think it was a Corporal under him.” He didn’t release her chin, now holding it between his thumb and finger. “Has good taste, at least,” he muttered, eyes shifting to the Lieutenant, who only huffed in response.

any premise that fucks with/frustrates/sleep-deprives soap has my heart 🥰

Flowers From My Love WIP

the bit where they discuss the casserole perfectly encapsulates each of the boys imho - price grunting out a response, soap eagerly asking about the food (such youngest of the group/im baby vibes), gaz picking up on the note and name/# left, ghost grumbling and ofc he fucking HAS to bring up manchester- 

and the MOODBOARD!!!! God I fucking love when writers flesh out a bit of their worldbuilding with related art, moodboards, face claims, etc etc etc i WILL lick up every crumb from the floor like a starving doggo- fun fact, one of my first interactions in cod fandom was requesting a moodboard from @the-californicationist (also shoutout to cali my beloved)

and PEPPER THE SERVICE DOG OH MY LORD PLEASE GOD IF THE 141 MEN CAN’T BE REAL LET PEPPSY BE REAL PLEASE GOD IF I HAD TO ASK FOR ONE THING FROM THIS CURSED HELLSITE-

Palace Hallways WIP

my mind blacked out at artificer soap and knight kyle and druid ghost - I also just finished a campaign with my homegroup IRL not too long ago and we’re taking a long break before the next game while our DM preps and this is making me miss playing with them ;-;

Edge Dressing WIP

KATE KATE KATE KATE KATE KATE that’s it that’s the tweet

“She did, did she?” Kate murmured, scratching at Letty’s scalp and smirking as the woman went boneless against her.

yes only natural, i too would also go boneless if laswell was scratching my scalp and giving me a massage mommy? sorry. mommy. sorry? mommy. sorry?

Embroidered Secret WIP

if someone told me a year ago when I wasn’t into regency shows/fics that reading some COD AUs - yes fucking CALL OF DUTY, the military propaganda first person shooter video game - would change my mind - well id be more shocked than if someone flashed some ankle at my victorian pearl clutching ass

also please i love every single trope listed here

141 Studios WIP

“Our sweet soft girl Samantha (plus size rep ftw!) finds her niche quickly as the resident camgirl - creating a new set of films called "Tip of The Tongue", where she (and others) commentate on the scenes being filmed in a behind the scenes way.”

fuck i would read an entire multiseries for this premise alone???

Crew scramble around to clean up the sweat and cum streaked across the couch to reset for another scene.

fun fact - i briefly interned as a PA in college and one of the producers i worked with mentioned offhand that he once rolled up to a set that was cleaning up after a porn shoot and claimed they were rolling away literal barrels of lube 👀

“You the new girl?” His voice was deep, rumbling like stones cascading down a mountain.

NEW GIRL, OLD MAN, BLUE BIRD, CLOWN WITH A BUCKET HAT, I WILL BE ANYTHING FOR YOU PS!SIMON

A Protege’s Trust WIP

The most titillating tag of all..an empty one! lol jk im just messin with ya gemmy but actually yes i don’t see any posts with this tag

Museum Muse WIP

ahem you already know my rabid thoughts on this but noticed this new post re: multiple timelines and tbh do I know what’s going on? absolutely not - do I want to dive into this museum muse multiverse regardless? absolutely yes

Brix WIP

Re: “If it’s a story about learning to be loved again after a series of devastating losses, can that story then end on another loss? (And should the epilogue soften that loss by allowing them some sort of reprieve?)”

YES! i need to be in a certain mood to read angst but GOD WHEN I AM IN THE MOOD DOES IT HIT THE SPOT/FEEL SO CATHARTIC

also re: these comments - “Also, a bit of catharsis for my shitty experience working in the orchard industry.”

“It's less of a love story and more of a healing story. It's also a bit of a middle finger to the orchard that nearly hospitalized me. 🙃 (It's healing not only for the characters lol.)”

i find these types of fics are some of the best ive read when the writers have IRL experiences bleed into their writing - just has a certain je ne sais quoi about em

also i could be knee deep in sewage sludge and if i sensed soap within a 1 mile radius i would throw myself at him, brb busy handforging a trophy for annabeth for having enough willpower to continue working while JOHN SOAP MACATAVISH WHINES ABOUT WANTING TO COP A FEEL

Squeamish Stitches WIP

✨GLITz!!!! ✨fucking love this name

“God, I’d die here a happy man,” he grumbles into your thigh as you adjust your balance. 

His hands wrap around your calves, grunting as the treads dig into his shoulders. “No, between your legs.”

Ghost interrupts. “Keep it tactical, Sergeants.”

THE FUCKING BANTER? GHOST COCKBLOCKING GAZ? FUCKIGN SCREAMINNG

Useful Girl WIP

you had me at “we gonna get nast-ay kink-ay” and also got strong “secretary” with maggie gyllenhaal + james spader vibes 

also i had to look up ‘brown bottle flu’ as i’ve never heard that term before! ✨i learn somethng new with fanfic daily✨

She felt the breeze as the door opened behind her, the whiff of cigar smoke and cologne causing her to shift in her seat and sit up straighter.

if you’ve ever smelled/heard someone before you saw them it is *quite* the experience

“It's the prickle of the mountain's oncoming storm. It's the flapping of the flag in the howling wind. It's the explosion of lightning hitting a tree, splitting it open, part charred and part living - two states diametrically opposed to each other. It's the sigh of relief when the clouds finally part and the rain pours out. It's the breath of fresh air when the storm dissipates and everything is left clean.

It's yearning so hard for something that it leaves one fundamentally changed when they achieve it.

...I really ought to make moodboards for this fic. 😅”

this was an incredible fucking paragraph to read, fucking poetry right here, also incredibly erotic? though that might just be leftover brainworms in my head from watching shogun and a scene where one of the main charas describes an orgasm as “clouds parting after rain” 

Highland Tartans WIP

She reached her hand into his wool, petting him. “He comes from a good line and all, he’s just young.”

MacTavish laughed, sliding his hands to rest on his waist. “Aye, young and dumb. I know the type.” 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

PLEASE GOD GEMMA

I CANNOT CHOOSE FAVORITES BUT SPARE A THOUGHT FOR MY FREE TIME AND WORK HOURS WHEN YOU POST MORE OF THESE AND AT LEAST SPREAD THEM OUT SO I CAN KEEP MY JOB AND PAY MY BILLS INSTEAD OF GORGING ON YOUR WRITING

anyway to sum up i am fully convinced the multiverse lives inside of gemma’s brain because goddamn i am convinced once day some god-tier epic space opera multiseries is gonna spring out fully formed like athena from the gemmamind (yes I compared you to zeus, a mythical god, deal with it)

[obsidiancreates]

The Fabric Of The Universe Is A Little Coarse (1 Out Of 5 Stars) [Part 2/2]

(Content warnings for seizure mentions, blood mentions, waiting in a hospital, hospital setting, Henry being an Ass even while worried sick because he literally can't help himself)

He’s drifting.

He? Maybe. Faintly, that feels right.

But so does Everything. 

All the cords.

Threads.

Events which Have Happened and Are Happening and Will Happen… it all feels right.

 He’s drifting among Everything, and it’s…

Nice.

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gus wonders if Shawn is going to die.

He rides in the ambulance and it’s a good thing they have bags for vomit because everything inside of him is trying to run away every time he looks at Shawn. The rolling, unseeing eyes– everything leaves. The uncontrollable spasming and writhing– everything leaves. The blood steadily trickling out of his ears and nose– everything leaves.

Shawn leaves. Left. Is leaving? Gus isn’t sure anymore. He’s not sure if Shawn is here. He is, but he isn’t, because Shawn is never so… so…

Shawn spasms again, his head lolling as his body jerks and his empty eyes land on Gus but they don’t see him. The blood coming from his nose coats the stubble on his lip as it changes course, and the blood from his ears pools on the cot, and he isn’t there.

Gus looks away too late.

Everything leaves. 

They make him lean his head back and close his eyes, and he feels the prick of an IV being inserted. Why are they bothering with him? He’s not the one seizing and bleeding and empty empty Shawn is never Empty he’s Full full of life full of bullcrap full of ego just Full-

It won’t stop playing over and over again in Gus’s head (Is that what it’s like for Shawn every day? It’s terrible, and Gus needs Shawn to know that, he needs to be able to tell him after all this that he’s sorry Shawn has to deal with constant replays and crisp memories and uncontrollable realizations because this is terrible) as he sits there. Just sits there, stuck in a memory being useless.

The way Shawn got that slightly distant, distracted look in his eye while the girl was talking. The way Shawn almost fell into the glass and didn’t even seem to realize he’d started swaying. The way his hands started spasming first, scratching at something Gus couldn’t see or feel. 

The way Shawn just collapsed, without a shout or scream or even a gasp. Just went from standing to going down. 

The way Shawn’s body went from limp to tense. His breathing becoming sharp gasps. His hands still scratching at nothing. 

The way when Gus turned him over and knelt down to cradle Shawn’s head in his lap Shawn’s eyes never met his once, rolling uselessly and disconnected in his skull and Shawn’s eyes don’t do that.

Shawn’s eyes are sharp, focused, not always on the right thing but they’re focused. They can get distant sometimes, when he’s figuring something out or remembering something strongly, but they’re never so completely empty.

And the scratching.

Gus had been calling his name, louder and louder every time Shawn didn’t respond, didn’t blink, didn’t react at all, and Shawn’s mouth had opened but instead of words it was painful gasping like a fish held out of water or an astronaut who lost his helmet or oh god anything absurd and unreal he wishes this wasn’t real. 

And all the time Shawn’s hands never stopped scratching. 

Not when the shaking started, not when the bleeding did, not even when–

“Don’t you dare leave me Shawn! I need you, I need you, I can’t imagine my life without you in it, don’t you dare leave me alone out here it’s supposed to be us against everything not just me–”

It’s lingering on the outskirts of Gus’s racing thoughts, waiting for a chance to slip in. Shawn read his mind. Shawn read his mind. Shawn read Juliet’s, too. Shawn looked into their heads.

It’s lingering, and he knows it’s there, but he can’t let that realization sink in yet. He can’t let it sink in because Shawn is dying and if he dies then what does it matter because Shawn won’t be here to talk about it with, talk about anything with, and Gus needs him here.

Gus needs him here.

“I need you here.”

Shawn seizes again.

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He’s not drifting so much anymore.

There’s a specific… something, calling to him. He’s drifting towards it, a gentle pull and push moving him its way. It feels unusual to let something direct him, but at the same time more familiar than anything else. Does that mean he’s a person, a place, and item? He’s Something– that’s interesting news. 

What is he?

Maybe when he gets wherever he’s going he’ll find out. Oh, that’s familiar too– finding things out. It’s exciting, even. He’d forgotten about Exciting. When drifting among Everything, knowing Everything, being Everything, it’s easy to lose Excitement. 

If only this push and pull would get him there a little quicker. Maybe he can speed it up. He will find a way to speed it up. 

There’s a hint.

He’s something that doesn’t give up.

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lassiter drives behind the ambulance. Juliet is shaking too much to do it herself.

“He’s going to be fine, O’Hara.” Her partner’s voice is strong and firm and unyielding as always, and she knows it’s not real this time. He’s doing it for her. She sees the white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel and the movement of his jaw as he grinds his teeth. She has to see it, she can’t look ahead at the ambulance where Shawn is possibly dying and she can’t look behind at where it happened and she can’t look out the windows at sights she’s not sure Shawn will ever see again.

So she looks at Lassiter. Shawn is an ocean, and Lassiter is a shoreline. Shawn throws himself against rocks and sands and trees, trying to pull them into his vast all-encompassing snare, but Lassiter is every single piece of the shoreline and more. Shawn can pull parts of Lassiter into the wild, uncontrollable seas, but he can never pull all of him, and whatever Shawn manages to snatch away will inevitably return to Lassiter sooner or later. They’re opposites and they’re the same, stubborn and determined and always there.

She needs that. She needs the fact that Lassiter is here. If he’s here, Shawn has to be too. Shawn has to be ready to rush in, pull her and her partner into something crazy and never-before-seen and utterly vexing, has to sweep her up in the tide for the time of her life and when the waves become too much for her she can cling to Lassiter for support and find her footing again, lay on the shoreline to catch her breath before the next swell.

Maybe she’s selling herself short– she’s gotten good at navigating both sides of it over the years, finding her own place in that dynamic that was already so present when she transferred to Santa Barbara. But right now she feels like she did in the beginning, unsteady and inexperienced and likely to drown, and she knows Lassiter is there and she can rely on him to help her find somewhere safe to rest until the storm has passed.

“Spencer is too stubborn to die in the middle of a case,” Lassiter grits out. “Especially if it’s not in some idiotic, dramatic way that belongs in a movie.”

He is. Shawn would never let himself die like this. Or would he? It’s is dramatic. Even if Lassiter claims it’s not. He’s doing that for her sake, too. She can’t pretend she believes that one.

She remembers hearing Gus scream Shawn’s name. Remembers the witness cutting herself off when she realized Shawn was still there. Remembers ignoring the witness’s cries of betrayal as she shot out of her chair because Gus sounded terrified and–

And freezing in the door, heart stopping, when she saw Shawn on the ground seizing. 

It was like a nightmare. 

Shawn’s face shouldn’t be slack and emotionless, Shawn’s eyes shouldn’t be unseeing and rolling, Shawn shouldn’t be–

And then Lassiter was calling for Buzz to call an ambulance behind her and she was moving and asking questions and trying to get Shawn to focus on her but she wasn’t, not really, she was focused on the spasming and the gasping and Shawn looking so unconnected to the world around him and she’d put a hand on his face and suddenly all of her thoughts were spilling out of his mouth and it made it too real, too real, too real–

They’re at the hospital.

She’s running out of the car and into the hospital. She’s explaining why she’s here. It’s all passing by in a blur. She’s sitting next to Lassiter, and he’s stiff and uncomfortable and exactly how she needs him to be right now, and then he puts an arm around her and pulls her into an awkward hug on the crappy waiting room chairs and she cries into his suit.

Gus is there when she pulls herself away. He looks on the outside like she feels on the inside. Shellshocked, confused, like he’s not sure where he is. She finds it in herself to stand up and coax him over beside her and Lassiter, and she holds him like Lassiter held her.

They’re there for maybe hours, maybe minutes, most likely somewhere in-between, when Henry shows up.

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He’s Somewhere. 

That’s a nice change of pace. He’s in one single area, one single point in time, one single event. 

He used to do this a lot, didn’t he? It feels Familiar. Linear, and Familiar.

Oh, he Existed at one point. That’s cool to know. He thought he Knew Everything, but apparently it’s hard to know Anything when you know Everything. 

An old-ish woman is holding a toddler and weaving a rug. He recognizes them, of course he does, he recognizes Everyone and Everything because he is Everyone and Everything. But he recognizes them… Differently.

“You need to make a good life, good choices, or else you won’t snap out of it.” The old-ish woman looks at the toddler and sighs. He’s asleep. “I hope you’ll…”

Her eyes glaze over. They travel to a point just behind him and fix on the wall.

… No.

They fix on Him.

“Oh,” she says softly. “Well… at least I know you do figure it out eventually. Oh, sweetheart, look at you…”

He can’t look at himself, because there’s not really anything there. Is there? Maybe there is. She’s looking at him. How is she doing that? What does he look like? He…

He should know that. He should know what he looks like.

“I wish I could help you, sweetheart. It’d be a heck of a use for all the experience I have with this exact thing.” The old-ish woman sighs. “But it doesn’t work that way. You’ll have to find your own way back. Good news is you’re in the right general… area, of sorts. Something– Someone, will be calling you back, if you took my advice. Find it. Find them.”

He wants to ask her what she means. He should Know what she means. Maybe he does, but staying here is making it hard to Know. It’s jumbling things up, trying to sort them into a linear line, and that’s not right but it is but it can’t be. 

It’s making everything all… screwy.

Her eyes refocus as a man who looks decades older than he actually is walks in. “Alright Mom, thanks for watching Shawn but Maddie and I can take him back now.”

She blinks, and then shakes her head. “Let me have a little longer with my grandson, Henry. He’s the only one I’ll ever get.”

“Mads and I might decide to have another one.”

“You know you won’t. And I know Jack won’t be having one either.”

“That’s probably for the best.”

“Mmm, I wish you weren’t right Henry.” She hands the toddler over, and then glances at the spot again for just a moment. “Goodbye, Shawn.”

He’s not There anymore.

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The silence has been broken only by sniffles and the crinkling of vending machine snack wrappers for a long time when Henry, head in his hands, hands which pull at the little hair he has left, looks up at the wall and says “This is my fault.”

Gus chokes on his Twinkie, because he has never heard those words from Henry Spencer’s mouth.

“His grandma had seizures.” Henry rubs his hand over his head, soothing the red spots where he pulled and picked. “She told us to watch out for them in him, said it skipped a generation with me and Jack. When Shawn didn’t have any as a kid or teen Mads and I just… thought it skipped him too.”

“You mean this could’ve happened any time?” Lassiter’s voice is carefully controlled, but that control frays and snaps with his next sentence. “He could’ve just collapsed in the middle of a case and you didn’t think we needed to know that?!”

“Shawn doesn’t even know! I didn’t want him using it as–!” Henry cuts himself off, snapping his mouth shut in a deep scowl.

“Using it as what, Henry?” Juliet’s voice is tight, eyes sharp, body language taught, her entire being the drawstring of a bow pulled back and ready to fire.

“... As an excuse to get out of responsibilities,” Henry admits in a sharp, short spit. Gus’s face twists into some mix of rage, disbelief, and complete unsurprise. Juliet stands, hands clenched by her sides, and Lassiter stands up right after in case he needs to break up an altercation. But he doesn’t move to hold her back yet.

“That is not okay, Henry. Not okay not to tell him, and especially not okay to assume the worst of him as a child!”

“You didn’t know him as a child!” Henry barks the defense on instinct, and has to hold his head again to reel himself back in. His voice is thick when he speaks again. “You think I’m not kicking myself over the decision now? I should’ve just told him, I didn’t even know what triggered Mom’s seizures, how did I think I’d know with him…”

“It’s just irresponsible.” Lassiter puts a hand on Juliet’s shoulder– not to stop her if she moves to swing, just to let her know he’s here. “What the hell else have you left out, Henry? Is your kid going to collapse of heart failure on us next?”

“His heart hasn’t had trouble since his surgery,” Henry mutters.

“Aw, what the hell– I was trying to be cutting! What do you mean Spencer had heart surgery?!”

“... He’s also got some trouble feeling pain.”

“Explain.” Juliet’s voice is cold. Gus looks like he might pop– either in self-destruction like a balloon too filled, or maybe like he’ll ‘pop’ Henry in the jaw to spare his own sanity.

“I dunno, he just doesn’t feel pain right, Maddie never told me the name of it. He feels it but not to the degree he should, or… something like that.”

“Holy crap.” Lassiter pinches the bridge of his nose. “Spencer, you realize this would all have been very valuable to know while he was out getting guns pointed at him every week for the last few years?! No wonder he doesn’t– the man ran through the woods with an untreated gunshot wound, for Cripe’s sake! He might not even know what counts as a ‘serious injury’ if he can’t feel pain right!”

Before Henry can say anything back, a doctor walks in. “Family of Shawn Spencer?”

Gus and Henry both stand– Gus makes sure to step closer to the doctor than Henry does.

“All of you?”

“Yes,” Juliet says quickly, and though he opens his mouth for a moment, Lassiter closes it again without protest.

“Well, I have good news. He’s stable, it looks like the worst of it has passed. He’s unconscious, and we’re waiting on the results of a few tests, but so far it’s looking like he’ll be okay. We’re letting visitors into his ro–”

Gus is rushing past her before the sentence is even over. Henry is on his tail, Juliet and Lassiter right behind.

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He’s drifting around a few specific lives.

His favorite is Burton Guster’s. Burton Guster is the coolest, awesomest, most incredible person in all of Everything, and he can say that for a fact. He hadn’t had favorites while he was Everything, but he’s a little smaller now, and Burton Guster is his Favorite. 

Juliet O’Hara and Carlton Lassiter are close, close seconds. They’re all very different from each other, but they’re all bound together by something he can’t quite pinpoint yet, and he’s glad because they’re all incredible. Everything is boring compared to them. He’d have them over Everything any day– day. 

Day by day. Living life day by day. 

He did that, didn’t he?

He has a Past. 

That’s interesting. He has a Past, so he must have a Future… and a Present.

Is that what the old-ish lady meant? He needs to find his Present? How did he even get taken out of it? He’s not dead– he doesn’t think he is, anyway. The Dead are different. He drifted among them a lot. They’re not what he is.

He follows along all their cords at once– there’s another one, just out of his reach, just out of range for Connection. 

And there’s another, a fifth cord, and it’s… Different.

It’s woven around them, the three favorites and the fourth he can’t quite connect to, all bound together by this strange cord with nothing on top. There’s nothing to follow. Nothing to look at the stitching of, the messy edges, the covered-up unsightly bits that make up a Life. 

There’s not even the neat little picture the messy stitching makes up for the other things on top to see. Just the cord, woven right in, tightly clinging to these other four.

He follows them. There’s something he’s missing. Something he needs to find. This is Familiar. He needs to find something. He always needs to find something. He does this all the time. What is he missing?

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

His hands are still scratching.

He’s completely still otherwise. But his hands are still scratching. Faster now, in fact. Faster, almost desperately. His eyes are closed. His ears have been cleaned up. There’s still blood in his stubble.

“How long would your mom be… asleep?” Juliet asks, watching Shawn’s twitching hands.

“It varied.” Henry can’t look at his son. He can’t look at his son’s friends. He can only look at the ground below his son’s hospital bed. “She only got this bad a few times in my life. Usually she just–” Henry rubs his face. “She just disconnected, and came back spouting nonsense. The only time I can remember her bleeding is just before Jack went to first grade. He asked me if we’d always be able to count on each other and I said yes. She collapsed on the spot.”

“And was she–”

“It took three days for her to wake up.”

The room is quiet again.

Shawn keeps scratching.

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There’s a cord he can’t find. A Life he can’t track down. Someone always around the three favorites and the fourth he can’t reach. 

The mystery Life and Cord should come to be next to the fourth unreachable one around the time of late teens or early twenties. It should come to be beside Burton Guster’s almost at the very beginning, woven away for a bit before coming back around. It should be by Juliet O’Hara’s and Carlton Lassiter’s around the same time it’s woven back beside the unreachable cord and Burton Gusters.

He can’t quite find it. It’s a person, a Life, but there’s nothing On Top. It’s someone unmissable, unless he wants to be. Someone loud, because he was told to be quiet for most of his life. Someone who hides in plain sight, because he can make everyone see whatever he wants them to see. Someone who can see Everything, and it’s too much but most of the time no-one can tell how Much it truly is.

He looks closer, closer. He follows the four cords as far as they’ll go, but it hurts to See the ends so close up. He likes them. He loves them. He doesn’t follow them to the ends entirely, when the bit on top will be woven into their cords and they’ll be a part of the weave itself instead of decorating it. He doesn’t want them to End. 

He goes back. He goes to their starts, and moves along slowly, and he begins to understand how Life moves.

Day by day, little by little, the Present mattering more than anything else. Each life is not just one big cord encompassing all of a Person, but a million little threads, each second making the threads that make up the whole. 

He hones in on the threads, each one so important– details. 

He knows Details. He’s the king of Details. Who is he?

He picks over the cords, scratching at the individual threads.

Bump.

Wait. There…

The Present.

The most important part.

They’re all four there. Sitting in a hospital room. Someone is on the bed. The Missing Cord.

“Shawn won’t take three days,” Burton Guster says. “He won’t be able to wait that long.”

“He’s not patient,” the unreachable cord agrees.

“Henry, tell us what we should expect when he does wake up.” Juliet O’Hara is holding back from screaming at the unreachable cord– Henry, apparently. 

He should know Everything. Does him not knowing how to reach the fourth mean he’s getting closer to where he needs to be, smaller to fit in what was once his Existence, singular enough to be a Life? Hopefully.

Henry sits back in his chair, the sound of his spine hitting the hard plastic echoing in the sterile room. “Look, Juliet, it’s not like I’m an expert in this. My mother died decades ago, and–and you know, even then I never really knew her well. She was always…” he waves a hand by his head. “... Somewhere else. She was worse than Shawn about it.”

“Maybe because of this?” Juliet gestures at the man– Shawn– in the bed. He’s unconscious. His cord is missing. He probably won’t wake up. 

That’s…

Upsetting.

“... Maybe.” Henry sighs and puts his face in his hands. “My mother… wasn’t… well. She thought–” He lets out a bitter laugh. “She thought, she was psychic.”

Something twangs. Thrums. It’s His cord, somewhere, the one he’s meant to be traveling along day by day, event by event, second by second– but where? Where?

“What?!” Burton Guster stands up. It’s distracting. It’s all he can focus on. “Shawn’s grandma was psychic and you just never felt a need to mention it?!”

“She wasn’t! Psychic!” Henry is barely holding himself together. He’s rage and indignation and regret stuffed inside a meat suit. “She was a sick woman who got everyone else to believe her… delusions! I made her stop claiming it when Jack was a kid so he wouldn’t–!” Henry huffs, clenching his jaw and looking away. “Well, fat lot of good it did in the end with him. The damage was done. I wasn’t going to let the same thing happen to Shawn.”

“This is ridiculous.” Carlton Lassiter is cleaning out his gun. He loves that gun, but he’s being a little rough with it. “Now you’re telling me Spencer’s the lastest in a long line of psychics? What, are we in one of his asinine 80’s movies?”

“He is not–!” Henry seems to catch himself differently this time. This time like he almost spilled a secret. What is the secret? Does not knowing mean Life is almost in reach? “He is not, the latest, in a long line. His grandmother wasn’t psychic.”

Burton Guster is having a crisis. He sits down heavily. He’s remembering things– the man on the bed collapsing and seizing and saying the thoughts in Burton Guster’s head. He’s remembering years and years of observations, mysteries, gut feelings from his friend that he’s reexamining and–

And those are Familiar.

…

He scratches the cord wrapped around the four. The one with nothing on top, no Life following it’s tracks.

On the bed, Shawn Spencer’s eyes flutter.

Oh. 

Oh. 

Oh, of course.

He scratches it again. 

Bump.

Shawn Spencer sucks in a breath. Everyone in the room looks at him with hesitant hope.

Bump.

Shawn Spencer’s eyes move under his lids. Everything is getting smaller. He doesn’t Know what he Knew before. He still Knows more than he should, but smaller, foggier, less readily available. It feels familiar. It feels right.

Bump.

He doesn’t know what the other people in the room think and feel anymore. He doesn’t know Everything. 

But he does know that his head hurts.

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shawn groans and turns his head to try and bury himself into the pillow. Everything aches. 

“Shawn!” Gus’s voice hurts his ears– they’re really tender, he realizes as feeling slowly comes back to his body. As he slowly comes back to his body, settling back into Life and Singularity. What a freaky experience… 

“Gus,” he groans. “Turn off the light.”

“Shawn, you–” Gus’s gushy proclamation of joy is cut off by a sob. “Oh my god, Shawn, you’re back.” He dives in for a hug, and Shawn coughs from the force he’s squeezed with. It’s nice, though. Being a formless, personality-less, wandering Nothing kind of seriously sucked. He’d way rather feel like absolute crap than feel like Nothing and not even know what he’s missing out on by being Something.

“I’m back, buddy,” Shawn rasps, patting Gus on the back and trying to open his eyes. He regrets it instantly, shutting them tight again. “Ah! Seriously, lights!”

They click off, and when Shawn cracks his eyes back open he just barely sees Lassie’s head over by where he remembers the lightswitch being from when he was Watching. His head pulses with pain when he remembers that. The whole experience is there, but blocked off, visible through a thick wall of mesh meant to keep out curious minds that’ll hurt themselves looking too closely. He groans and sinks back against the bed, for once deciding to respect a ‘No Entry’ warning. “Thanks, Lassieface.”

“I just didn't want you to whine about it.”

“You didn’t want me in pain. You love me.”

“I will turn them back on.”

“Carlton.”

“It’s okay Jules. Lassie’s sweet, yet also sour denial of his deep affection for me is exactly what I need after all that.”

“Kid.” Oh, there he is– the ‘unreachable cord’. As if he needed any more confirmation their relationship is absolutely screwed up. Henry steps into Shawn’s sight, expression a mess of emotions he’s trying not to have. “Listen, I–”

“Not now, Pop.” Shawn pats Gus’s back again, a silent signal to please let go before he passes out again, and Gus quickly pulls away and wipes at his eyes. “We can talk about you hiding stuff about Grandma from me later.”

“I just– wait. How did you know that?”

Shawn musters up a small smile, and puts his finger by his head. 

Henry isn’t amused. Shawn’s smile falls. His finger doesn’t.

“I’m serious, Dad.”

“Shawn.”

“The universe is a big rug, or uh… tapestry, thing, by the way. Beautiful, masterfully made, but a little coarse. One out of five stars, would not recommend before dying.”

“Shawn, don’t.”

“Respectfully, Mr. Spencer, shut up a second.” Gus leans in close as Henry is stunned by the blatant disrespect from someone who only ever calls him “Mr.” and used to scold Shawn for his misplaced prepositions. “Shawn. Be real with me. You read my mind before, remember that? And I’ve been thinking about all the stuff we’ve done together and– just, tell me straight. Are you actually…”

“Yeah, buddy.” Shawn closes his eyes again. “And it kind of blows.”

“Oh my god.”

“Didn’t see him. Unless he’s the rug, I guess, but I don’t think that’d make very good stained-glass windows.”

“Guster, don’t–”

“He read my mind back at the station! He’s not delusional!”

“Why would he be delusional?” Jules is at Shawn’s bedside, holding a cup of water, offering the straw to Shawn. “Henry, you’ve been acting weird and cagey about this entire thing.”

“Because he’s not–!”

“He is!”

Jules just looks more confused as it sinks in what Henry is not-saying. “Wait, why is this up for debate? You’ve confirmed it for us yourself!”

Shawn’s hands twitch. Bump.

It’ll work out. He can rely on The Universe to ensure Everything will Always work out. But he can make it work out well for everyone, not just himself, he knows it. And he can find it, find the best way to handle this. He can follow the cords without slipping away. He can. He’s done it before, he just didn’t know he was doing it. The sounds of arguing, of his dad finally spilling his secret, of Lassie shouting in vindication and then anger, of all it becomes background noise for a moment.

Bump, bump, bump…

The cords are running through him, but they’re not tight. They’re slack, and malleable. They’re not fully set in place yet. He can shift them. He can manipulate them–

No, no, his grandma told him not to get sucked into that. He wants to. He shouldn’t. He can. He could figure out how to move everything exactly how he wants. It’s right there…

But if he did that, had been doing that the whole time, where would his life be right now? He could probably find out exactly where– he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t need to, doesn’t need to sink into The Universe and play with it to know that he wouldn’t be here, with the good and the bad and all the in-between. 

Jules wouldn’t be here. Lassie wouldn’t be here. Gus might not even be here.

He lets out a slow breath. 

Bump. 

There.

There’s how he can do this without losing everything. Without everyone getting too hurt. Without just letting The Universe settle itself around him and his giant, panicked, longstanding deceptions.

He opens his eyes and everyone is arguing. Jules is furious and betrayed, Gus is yelling at Henry, Henry is fuming, Lassie clearly doesn’t know how to feel–

“Guys!”

His shout turns all eyes on him.

“I can explain everything,” he promises. “Yes, I am psychic. Yes, I lied about solving crimes psychically for years now. How are they both true? Well, let’s start with how my father is terrible at sharing important information until it’s almost not helpful anymore, and then skip right over to Lassie not believing I could get a good tip for him just by watching the news. By the end I promise you’ll all have your minds blown, might even be begging me to sell this as a TV show. Just… sit down.”

Gus does, and eyes the other three expectantly. They all take their seats with more hesitation. But they take them.

Twang. The cords pull taut for a moment as something major shifts, settles, and is firmly woven into place. Shawn can feel it reverberate in his bones. He thinks he’s felt it once before, back when…

“Lassie had me brought into the station after I called in a tip.”

[risingscorchingsuns]

hey guys uh. sorry for like,,, sadposting at night lately. i know ive been doing it a lot recently.. i appreciate you guys bearing with me. a lot of things piled up on me at once and ive been having a bit of a difficult time coping with it all. it’s really difficult for me to feel like i belong anywhere, like i deserve the space i take up, or that anybody would ever stay just because it’s me… and real life seems pretty set on making sure i remember that as of late. nights especially have been hard on me, because i have a hard time sleeping and there’s no people to distract me.

thank you guys for your encouraging messages, or even just remaining on my blog when i’m not at my best. it’s hard for me to admit i’m not doing well. i’m afraid if i do people will leave- they have in the past. i want you guys to know i read and see everything you guys send me, and even if i don’t have the energy to respond, it means the world. thanks guys 💜

tldr… things are rough right now. summers always are, and a lot of other stuff keeps snowballing on top. i can promise i’ll be okay. i know i’ll get through this- i’m just heavy right now. i’m glad you all are here. thank you for giving me a place to belong, even when i’m heavy and not very fun. i promise interesting leon isn’t gone forever. thank you- it means so much.

[bil-daddy]

Mr bildad the shuhite, I need some advice. What do I do when that familiar overwhelming sadness washes over me? Ive been feeling horribly depressed lately, even though I have no real reason to be. I do talk to my friends abt this, but I dont want to talk abt my mental state ONLY and drive them away, so I refrain from talking abt it too much even tho it feels like it will drown me, because I am too afraid of seeming clingy.

Its been getting worse lately, and all I can do is distract myself from it. Ive been excessively sleeping just to not.. feel. I dont know what to do, nor do I know how to not feel this way

I made myself a nice breakfast, and it felt good. And then the feeling came back, like a drip drip drip from the leaking faucet of my mental health I cant control. I am scared. I am so scared

Sorry if this ask wasnt what u were expecting, or if u cant help me either, thats completely fine. I just needed to share somehow how scared I am. Of myself, what I feel I dont know

I dont know. I just dont know

Best wishes,

Anon❤️

*shows up one month late carrying six shots of espresso in a big cup to answer this ask*

It's taken me a while to respond to this because 1) I've been going through a bit of the same thing myself and 2) I haven't figured out a solution yet.

I do have some ideas, though.

You were on the right track, making yourself a nice breakfast. Little things like that make a bigger difference than you think. In fact, I think we should all try to live in the little moments as much as we can. Sometimes, when you're feeling depressed but can't point at a reason in your own life, it's because you're reacting to large scale problems that, while very real, are out of your control--and you know this, and so you feel depressed and scared because there's nothing you can do.

But there is something you can do.

Do at least one thing nice for yourself everyday as part, even if it's something really small. Especially something really small. Listen to your favourite song. Eat a piece of chocolate, just because. Play with a pet, if you have one.

And, if you're up to it, do at least one nice thing for someone else, too. Help your parents with the chores. Call a grandparent and brighten their day. Send a kind message to a friend.

Because you should keep on talking to your friends. The right friends will be honoured you've opened up to them. Listen to your friends, too. They might be going through things to, and being a comfort to them might in turn make you feel better, as well. Being part of a community, even if it's just a small group of friends--or even a group of two--can really help. Having you a sense of purpose, belonging, and importance is part of what makes people people.

Sleeping a lot isn't necessarily bad. Ive done that myself (for totally normal amounts of time, definitly not entire century or anything) Sometimes, your body and your mind just needs the rest. But if you feel like you're sleeping too much, then you probably need something exciting to be awake for.

It might be time to try out a new hobby, start a new TV show or book, take a class, or set a new goal that you can work towards a little bit every day. The mind craves new experiences and challenges. If everything's been the same for a while, depression can set in simply due to boredom.

However, there could just as easily be other causes, which are worth looking into with a therapist and a psychiatrist, if you want to try the medical route--and it is worth a try with persistent depression.

It sounds to me like you also have some anxiety about having depression, since it scares you (and rightfully so, it is scary) that you can feel it coming on and that you can't control it. For that, in addition to what I've already mentioned above, I'd suggest thinking about it differently. Instead of leaking faucet you're desperately trying to shut off, let yourself feel whatever emotions you're feeling*

(*safely and within reason--don't harm yourself or others)

Cry, scream, punch a pillow. Let it out.

Sometimes, the sadness we fear feeling ends up not being as bad as the fear of it. You might feel relieved, once you're no longer bottling everything up and sleeping/distracting yourself to avoid feeling sad. As cliche as a it is, the only way out is through.

Have an ox rib (platonic) for the journey. You can do it.

[the-kinfesssional]

Hey.. MM.me again.. Spamton G. Spamton... Sniffle sniffle this was longer than i wanted oops sorry so sorry IM FUCKING STRUGGLING OUT HERE How do I tell A memoryfrom a headcanon is it a headcanon if its me? what is it??where ?? what?? huh??? what????????????????? I cant tell. Im a fictionkin I know that. but im like so confused al the time. Like thats me. But also Idk im really used to just dissociating I thug it out ok. i dont really go into kin spaces a lot like at all so I dont know proper terms but I know what i feel Inside but then im like No thats cringe an,d also that cannot possibly be real. I dont relaly know if i believe in past lives(?) ornot at least As a fictional character. for me personally. but at the same time. I Guess i do? Huh. Its strange. Like this guy is just me. I am him he is me because.Thats me. I dont get as bad Kin(?) dysphoria as i do Gender dysphoria. I know how i could still be happy In a human body I Guess. But it just feels like itll never fully be me. Or will it. I dont know. it makes me so happy it makes me feel such a way that I cant even explain its like this feeling in my chest and its like.......Yeah. Thats me. But Iveee been Very. Disconnected from kin stuff lately because ive been super stressed and distracted with other stuff and ive just felt like a wet sack of sand being thrown at a wall and the sand is all like gross and wet and its leaking everywhere and its gross like you know when you get sand all over you at the beach but youre also like Damp and the sand is all Sticky and Grimey and also Scratchy. thats how ive been feeling mentally onfg can someone give me a mental shower i needto get DUNKED. This ended up being a longer rant and also skewing off into different things than i wanted but its ffine whatever. Ugm. Id ont know where else to go. BACK ON THE MEM THING BECAUSE I GOT VERY DISTRACTED. I dont know. I have this one very very very specific Flash this Instance in my mind and I dont know if i consider it a memory or not???????? I thhink i am a.,, Psychological kin mostly. if thats the right term. idfk man. can i still have memories. Are these even memories? do my headcanons count as My canon is that what that is ???? I NDONT KNOW IM GOING INSANE but I can also have conflicting ones existing in separate timelines. but like. im not like a multiple timeline and past life guy. i think? its not a huge belief of mine. i just. I am. i AM. Im spamton. Are memories supposed to be In first person. is it just feelings. is it. what. how do i define. How do i tell? How can i tell. aRe the The little movies in my head the little Blorbo Situations. like. whats those count as. Also why does being canon divergent make me feel sick to my stomach. whenever new DR content is released with me involved i feel sick cause im like IM THE REAL ONE I M THE REAL ONE IF I DIVERGE IM A SICK FAKER AND THEYRE GONNA TAKE ME OUT BACK AND KICK ME IN THE SHINS!!! And its really weird. Like huh. Nobody cares. I care though. uhm. idk. call me boyfail the way i bash my head through a wall and make a hole in it and then put a pillow in it and take a little nap wiwiwiwi hoink wiwiwiwiwi (the sound I make when I sleep)

Its confusing, I know. I think psychological kins don't have memories, but you can have headcanon about yourself, I believe? Im not sure. Im a spiritual kin

[miss-styles]

Ok wait I have a question if you feel comfortable answering on your blog! I really want to have casual sex, but my dilemma is that I’m a virgin and I would need someone to be very patient reassuring and understanding with me that first time or first few times, but I feel like that’s difficult to find when you’re hooking up especially with men. I really wish I would’ve lost it already so that I would feel more comfortable and experienced having sex with other people. Like although I haven’t ever had sex before, I just think I would really enjoy it because I love intimacy. So idk how to overcome this because I don’t want to be in a relationship rn, but I do want to have sex but still have some level of trust respect and care for each other’s bodies. Thoughts or experiences you wouldn’t mind sharing?

omg i dont know if im seeing this really late but thank you for coming to me with this!

okay so to share my own first time experience... i had just gotten out of a really bad situationship. the situationship was my first time making out with someone and just genuinely having feelings for someone. first love if you will. but we had never had sex. the most we did was just his fingers being on my underwear. after this ended i just started going on dates with random people. realistically i knew like i wasnt ready for a relationship at the time but it was a good distraction for me to put myself out there. after like a month or so.. i went out with this one guy and i reallyyyy liked him. the first time we went out he fingered me in the theater (sorry guys!) and the second time was also similar. the third time i was over at his house and we had sex.

now i will admit that i was so incredibly lucky to have my first time with him. he was so understanding and so nice he didnt make it awkward at all i was just really comfortable through the entire thing. but i can't tell you that everyone youll meet will be the same way and ive definitely had some "bad" (not as good) experiences after that

and also to me sex or virginity has never really been a THING. so i never had a need for my first time to be special or to be with someone i had been dating for a while etc etc. i know for some people sex can be this very special thing but for me it just isnt. and from what i understand you also seem to feel the same way? (correct me if im wrong) so i just felt good to get the first one over with someone i felt comfortable with and it just opened up a whole new world for me. controversial but! like i love having sex. it has made me feel so much more comfortable in my body etc etc.

now my advice would be to (at least for your first time) dont have sex on the first hangout. ofc you can do stuff but just get to know them first and see if you feel comfortable with them. i would also advise that you tell them youre a virgin not in like a weird way but i promise it would make them be more understanding. also definitely discuss what you like (sexually) bc it can get real awkward if you realize your preferences dont align at all.

just overall be open with them. for your first time (and even in the future if you wish) let them know that you wont have sex in the first hangout (and their reactions to these kind of boundaries or their reactions to your preferences can be very telling of their character) and use the first hangout to get to know them to see if youd be comfortable having sex.

and also!! (sorry this is a very long response) awkward things will happen during sex but just laugh through them and i promise it will be fine. i promise you wont be the only one who's embarrassed by sth the other person will have things that they're embarrassed about too. its natural dont stress about it.

i feel like this was a lot of blabbing but i hope it makes sense to you and if you have ANY other questions feel free to come back. i promise i would never judge

[the-kipsabian]

OKAY. SO YEAH. BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS FOR UH, QUITE SOME TIME. PLS STOP ME IF I GO OFF THE RAILS THOUGH LOL

i guess i kinda went over it in my last fic, but i think when it comes to the belt and its curse, it's not gonna leave easy. like, no. not happening. losing isn't a "get out of being cursed free" card. it gave them fame, power, prestige. it tried to eliminate every possible distraction to ensure complete focus on retaining the title. if someone were to lose the title, there has to be repercussions.

so when one loses the title, i think at first, they need to appear okay. like back to normal, everything's fine, the belt's gone and they lower their guard enough to think that they can finally move on from this nightmare. but then after that false sense of freedom, that's when the real effects kick in. like the hallucinations, which i've been tying to their fears and reasons for wanting the belt. so like for oc, wanting to be taken seriously, afraid that maybe he just got lucky in his career and he is more of a joke, the orange punch failing him because of his arm injury etc. for kip, i know he's talked about that injury and other health issues being a dark time in his life, so incorporating this fear of never really recovering and wasting away, being outcasted for his "weirdness" in the company, wanting validation for his efforts in overcoming all of that.

and of course the more graphic ones where these events are perceived by oc and kip as someone else doing something to them, whether it's enemies, friends, or even themselves or something not even of this world. but from an outsider's perspective, it always looks like they're doing it to themselves (and i tried to be clear on this in my fic but they don't actually want to hurt themselves or anyone else. it's the damn curse of the belt doing this because if you're gonna lose it, it is going to make you suffer for as long as it can, even if that means destroying friendships/relationships).

and then the senses thing. i like to think that the belt sort of dulls things while holding it to make it easier to focus or fight through the pain, so without it, it just turns everything up to 11. sight, sound, smell, taste, touch, everything. it all just goes through the roof and makes even the buzzing of lights sound like a fireworks show. it was probably already enough of an adjustment to go back to normal those first few weeks, but it only gets worse instead of better.

i like to think after they acknowledge that this was the belt's doing and they're not crazy or sick or anything, the hallucinations die down as the message got through, but everything else just comes and goes and it's a matter of adapting to it. like kip says, time doesn't heal you. it changes you. and it's going to change them with how they interact with people, how they interact with each other now knowing what happened to them and that no one else gets it, getting back in the ring and whether they accept opportunities to go after gold again or not (like, could you imagine oc and the best friends getting a chance at the trios titles and oc being the only one hesitant because god. what could those belts do to him or his friends? life isn't the same anymore). it's just a journey to learn how to cope at this point. it's not going away. that belt will forever be around haunting them in one way or another, but they learn to live with it together, helping each other out to keep living as much as they can.

... yeah, this was really unhinged. i'm sorry lol

IM SO LATE TO THIS (and right now probably not in the best condition to reply to this but i finally remembered it existed cause theres so many things in my inbox OH GOD) BUT

first of all. absolutely yes to the normal period after losing the title before the real repercussions, cause ive been thinking about that too. there needs to be a false sense of normalcy for a while, as if its because the belt is gone - the adjust period, but its more or less framed under the sense of them just not being a champion anymore, and not actually the true meaning of losing the belt, which is being free from the curse and corruption. i really love the added layer of it directly targeting the corrupteds fears tho (especially through ones self, seeing the one doing the damage being someone they love), that is a really good touch and tbh im just gonna steal that one for the canon of this au now lol

YEAH YEAH YEAH THE SENSES THO!! ive always thought about the dulling pain part tbh, how it makes sure the host fights through everything no matter what, cause holding the belt is what keeps the curse alive and as the challenges get tougher and the champion more worn out, the stronger the curse needs to be and that means feeling less about the punishment you are going through. so it would absolutely make sense to have it be the opposite after its all gone, and especially during the adjust period that would just be. absolute hell. god yes i love this

also i had absolutely not thought about the part about how going after other belts afterwards would feel like oof. but that would be so true tho. for both of them, single and in teams, that would be such a hard task to undertake and i love the added drama of that tbh. even tho no other belt is cursed (as far as we are aware of? idk house of black is holding the trios titles rn and we know what happened with the elite before), thats such an interesting take to it and absolutely something both of them would think about really hard before going for the titles, or letting their friends go for them. absolutely love this one OOF

i wanted to touch the 'time doesnt heal it changes you' part last cause this is an important topic to me personally, but like. thats so true for this tho. how time wont heal their wounds, physical or mental, about this and what they had to go through, it WILL change them. and it does over the course of the time/story too, as they do both learn to cope with the aftermath of this, both together and separately. they do understand each other better now, they can hold each other up and survive on their own. but its a positive change, they cant stop to dwell on healing wounds that will always be there, but they can move on, learn how to change things. and thats just. thats just what this is about in the end, i think. i just hope they, too, realize this on the way

[thekidsarentalright]

asfdsfskj hello bff it’s been a minute how r u!! i hope you’re having a good day and i just wanted to say that we Would care if u did song analysis posts again! they’re so interesting and i personally love seeing your thoughts on stuff <3 (i’d specifically love to see your thoughts on from now on we are enemies 👉👈 but like… u could analyze whatever and i’d read it lol)

also can we talk abt those extended cuts? specifically PATRICK’S ACTING IN THOSE EXTENDED CUTS?! idk where the hell he pulled that voice from or how he came up with that character but it’s SO fucking funny… when he makes the benedict cumberbatch pun he looks like he’s trying not to laugh 😭 i’m so endeared it’s all so stupid god bless <3 also the way he says “look man, i know you got your balls all out” reminds me of his acting in moustachette for some reason… he’s so good at the dramatic angry delivery of the most ridiculous lines, someone give this man an oscar <3 truly have no idea how the rest of fob kept a straight face during that bc i could never lmaoooo

alsoooo i’ve been obsessed with what a time to be alive recently… is it just me or does that give u similar vibes to this is why? like the first couple songs on the album but specifically the title track, the news, and c’est comme ça… idk that’s where my brain has been at lately! just dancing to songs abt the world being on fire and then being like “oh shit… is there a theme in here somewhere?” 😅

- 🧋 anon

omgg hi bff!!! so sorry it took me a few days to answer this ive been Sooo distracted nfkrnf but have also been doing good!! i hope u've been doing good also <333 always nice to hear from u! 🥺 so glad to hear you feel that way abt my analyses (analysis'? analysises? whatever fjdnf), i clearly worry ppl dont rly care for them so i am. So glad people do. i am absolutely planning on posting them again, so dont fear!!! from now on we are enemies might not be first but it Def will be soon <33

also FR patricks acting in those was so good and so funny for no reason 😭 like he has no right to be so good at acting all dramatic and angry and stupid and absolutely hilarious!!!! i wonder if his lines were mostly adlibbed or not bc. if he made that shit up that makes it even funnier and more impressive and like. if i were on set watching that i would've died from how funny it is fjrnfkfn the rest of the guys are stronger for not dying from it fr

SOOO REAL OF U!!!! god what a time to be alive is soooo good im obsessed w it too and like i can absolutely see it having a similar vibe to the first few songs on this is why!!! i think it's not only the world is ending and awful themes but also how upbeat those songs, in general, sound while having such a dark topic? like how sarcastic and tongue in cheek it all is too makes them have similar vibes for Sureee and i love that both fob and paramore are riding that "the world is horrible and i'm watching it end so. fuck it lets at least dance while we watch!" attitude fjnfkfnd

[aavara]

hello :D

i hope you enjoy it if you do end up reading it !!! gave me a lot of Feelings . i have heard of all in the game but never read it, i might check it out though 👀 it sounds interesting!!

oooh nice i have seen that movie! :-) never actually watched it through completely but at my old job the owner would play a few movies on a loop so i have seen lots of parts of it when we were slow we would just stand and watch whatever was on haha. my favorite movie growing up.,,.. hmmm… mayhaps the road to el dorado or little mermaid !

oooh nice! i don’t rly keep up w fandom stuff a ton anymore but my blog is somewhat 1d but used to be more 1d + harry n louis centric, but have like passively been in some tv shows fandoms when i get obsessed like cruel summer and when gossip girl reboot was coming out i made a blog but then get distracted akdkd but my only other true fandom was probably hunger games trilogy<3

hmm fav poem im not sure my all time favorite but i rly like the poem by Ada Limón accident report in tall, tall weeds (I’d never read the entire poem before I sent this , just saw the clip about the plane crash! I didn’t realize it was longer until I googled it lol)

how is your week going?? ♥️

-k ✨

hiiiiiiiiiiiiii sorry for being so late🙏

it's literally my everything lol

omg yeah u should for real, love little mermaid too ooh i also loved barbie and the fashio fairytale like i was obsessed

same i just post about what i like instead of getting dragged into drama, ive seen the films for that series lol i should probably read it at some point

ooh i need to check that out later!

my week's been sooooooooooooooooo sleepy bcs of meds so i dont really remmember anything else lol

hope u had a nice day^___^

[blossom-skies]

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[preatoreyna]

the whole mitski thing is fake you're good bb don't worry and take care of yourself

i’ve been trying to stay off tumblr so i haven’t seen much of anything to know if that is even proven it just really threw me how easily people were to jump that person i don’t even have the proper words to explain what i’m tying to convey like it’s not that i don’t care if it’s true or not bc i do it’s just hearing again and again of stuff like this fucks me up so badly that i don’t know what to feel!! idk idk i’m not explaining it enough bc idk how

[rejectsblood]

             sorry if i’m more quiet than i expected to be tonight some stuff happened so i’m just in a rlly bad place atm but i’m trying to ignore it and i’m gonna at least get out what i wrote earlier in the day.

[skizmin]

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