#stay alive x i need you remix
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SUGA (슈가)
Real name: 민윤기 (Min Yoongi)
Birth date: 09 March 1993
Home city: Daegu
Former stage name: Gloss (....-2013)
Studio name: Genius Lab
Instagram account
BU character: Min YoonGi
BT21 character: Shooky
Biography
SUGA started as an underground rapper and producer in Daegu. In 2013, he came to Seoul and got into Big Hit where he debuted. At first not really interested in being an idol, he still worked hard to become one while still keeping an hand in the composition and production of BTS songs. Acknowledged by his peers, he collaborated on a lot of artists’ songs be it as a rapper or as a producer
For a more complete biography, you can check these ressources:
biography from the volume 2 of the Japan Official Fanclub magazine (trans by kocchi, Kimmy Yang, ktaebwi)
compilation of biographical info from different interviews
pre-debut History
DJ Booth’s article about his philosophy
SUGA has also shared tidbits of his daily life:
[VLOG] Fishing for time... (2019)
목공방 VLOG (woodworking shop) (2022) (Instagram post)
Birthday albums: 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023, 2024
Recommendations
Music
Spotify playlist
You can find Youtube playlists of the songs he shared on Spotify and on Twitter or during interviews.
Books/Movies/Series/Anime
Google sheet of his recommendations
Solo activity
Music (discography)
“All I Do Is Win” (2013)
Rap Monster, Suga & 진 - “어른아이” (Childish Adult) (2013)
"Dream Money” (2013)
“싸이하누월 MIX Final” (INST) (2013)
Agust D (2016) (see this post)
Suran - “WINE (오늘 취하면) (Feat.Changmo) (창모) (Prod. SUGA)” (2017)
“So Far Away (SUGA, 진, 정국 Ver.)” (gift for the Festa, 2017)
RM, SUGA, j-hope - 땡 (Daeng) (for the Festa, 2018)
Epik High - “노땡큐 (No Thanxxx) ft. MINO, SIMON DOMINIC, THE QUIETT” (cameo at the end, 2018)
“Seesaw X I NEED U REMIX” (2018)
LeeSoRa - “Song Request (Feat. SUGA of BTS)” (2019)
D-2 (2019) (see this post)
헤이즈 (Heize) - “We don't talk together (Feat. 기리보이 (Giriboy)) (Prod. SUGA)” (2019)
Halsey - “SUGA's Interlude” (2019)
IU(아이유) - “eight(에잇) (Prod.&Feat. SUGA of BTS)” (2020)
MAX - “Blueberry Eyes (feat. SUGA of BTS)” (2020)
Over The Horizon By SUGA Of BTS (for Samsung, 2021)
ØMI - “You (Prod. SUGA of BTS)” (2021)
Juice WRLD - “Girl Of My Dreams (with Suga from BTS)“ (2021)
Jung Kook (정국) - ”Stay Alive (Prod. SUGA of BTS)” (OST for the 7FATES: CHAKHO webcomic, 2022)
PSY - “That That (prod. & feat. SUGA of BTS)” (2022)
--- Chapter 2 ---
Over the Horizon 2022 by SUGA of BTS (for Samsung, 2022)
D-DAY (2023) (see this post)
Halsey - “Lilith (Diablo IV Anthem)” feat. SUGA (2023)
For more details about the songs that don’t have their own post, I listed all the info I had here. For Chapter 2 songs, please check here.
Shows
꿀 FM 06.13 (Kkul FM) (2014, anchor)
he’s the official DJ for all BTS radio shows. During the spring of 2020, he did 9 episodes of DJ’s SUGA Honey FM 06.13 on Vlive (now on Weverse): first episode, with RM, with Jin, with V, with j-hope, with Jimin, with Jung Kook, with BTS
화개장터 (Hwagae Market) (2015, anchor)
pre-open
episode 0 [ 대국민사과방송 ] (national apology broadcast)
episode 1 [ 요지부동 ] (try to not react)
episode 1.5 [ 벌칙수행 ] (penalty execution)
SOPE 👨❤️👨필리핀에 오다! (Came to the Philippines!)
솝 꿀피부를 부탁해😆 (Please take care of my honey-soft skin)
해체 발표 (disbandment announcement) for April Fools
슈취타 (Suchwita) (2022, anchor)
Youtube playlist
The title of the show is in reference to his song “Daechwita”
The goal of the show is to have honest discussions with a guest while drinking alcohol
SUGA’s Instagram posts: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5
Weverse Magazine: “K-pop musicians are changing the talk show format”
Brands endorsement
Global ambassador for Valentino (2023): official tweets, SUGA’s Instagram post, #2
Ambassador for the NBA (2023): tweet announcement, official tweets, announcement on the NBA website
Magazines
Marie Claire Korea May issue (2023): teaser tweet, tweets, Youtube videos, interview, SUGA’s Instagram post #1, #2, #3
VOGUE JAPAN August issue (2023): tweets, interview
GQ Korea October issue (2023)
Interviews
BE comeback interview: “I'm grateful that there are still unvisited areas in the world of music”
Butter release interview: “This is the only thing I know how to really do”
Proof release interview: “I hope they’re excited for everything so I can give their life meaning each and every day”
Trivia
SUGA used to play a BTS fansite named 슈가의 시선 (SUGA’s sight). You can still find some of his tweets here, here and here, notably the “Photograph by SUGA” series, as well as blog posts:
Spring
Work
Members
Incheon International Airport and Thailand (those 2 were shot during the first NOW photobook filming)
“Just One Day”
BTS 1st anniversary.
He loves and used to play basketball. The two intros he made for the 화양연화 series, “Intro: 화양연화“ and “Intro: Never Mind”, have elements reminding of the game, be it in the beat, the lyrics or the video. While in the United States, he took the occasion to visit several teams.
He forms the group Sope with j-hope. As this subunit, they made the show 화개장터 (Hwagae market) and the Japanese song “Otsukare”.
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Antenne Vorarlberg Chillout Lounge (August 26, 2023)
23:58 Exstra - Comet (Extended Mix)
23:54 Sting - Cool Breeze
23:50 Cosmic Soul & Tom Novy - Like A Dream
23:47 Alan Walker Ahrix - End Of Time
23:43 Eelke Kleijn - Mojo's Tale
23:37 Banderas - This Is Your Life (Easy Life Mix)
23:32 Jazzamor - Way Back
23:29 Alok & Timmy Trumpet - Underwater Love (La Vision Remix)
23:24 Blank & Jones - Into The Sun
23:21 Sans Souci - Twin Lakes
23:18 Kygo With Avicii & Sandro Cavazza - Forever Yours (Tribute)
23:14 Paul Oakenfold, Bolier, Luis Fonsi - The World Can Wait (Bolier Remix)
23:10 Schiller - Der Tag...du Bist Erwacht (Mit Jette Von Roth)
23:07 Nora En Pure - Enchantment
23:02 Tycho - Horizon
22:59 Guardner - All Right
22:56 Tomas Skyldeberg - Outside The Window
22:51 Above & Beyond Feat. Zoe Johnston - We're All We Need
22:46 Vargo - Get Back To Serénity (J. Bar Mix)
22:43 Glockenbach - Dirty Dancing
22:40 Klingande Feat. Broken Back - Riva (Restart The Game)
22:37 Melonia - Sweet Child O' Mine
22:30 Hraach - After Dark
22:23 Popmode - Moonrise (Original Mix)
22:21 Twisted Harmonies Feat. Mougleta - You & Me
22:18 Mellowdy - Rise Up
22:13 Channel 2 Feat. Tanya - Soulout
22:09 Sofi Tukker X Mahmut Orhan - Forgive Me
22:06 Moguai, Vize, Anna Grey - You're Not Alone
22:00 Kruder & Dorfmeister - High Noon
21:53 Armen Miran & Hraach - Gravitation
21:50 Emily Burns - Im So Happy
21:46 Mandalay - Beautiful
21:43 Ck West - Aldebaran 2021
21:40 Mike Posner - I Took A Pill In Ibiza (Seeb Remix)
21:38 Digital Camel - Shine Bright
21:35 Ofenbach & Ella Henderson - Hurricane
21:29 Sweed Feat. Janana - Finally (Holter & Mogyoro Remix)
21:26 Munich Monstrs - Shine
21:21 David Guetta, Robin Schulz, Cheat Codes - Shed A Light (Blank & Jones Remix)
21:17 Jasmon - Bamboo Queen
21:13 Freischwimmer - California Dreamin
21:06 Timboletti - Dhunche
21:03 Spike - The Golden Eye (Original Mix)
21:00 Nora Van Elken - Honshu
20:57 Klingande & Bright Sparks - Messiah
20:52 Moby - Natural Blues (Lulu Rouge Vs Stella Polaris Remix)
20:47 Lyke - Stay With Me
20:43 Vintage Culture And Rooftime - I Will Find
20:41 James Carter & Ofenbach Feat. James Blunt - Can't Forget You
20:34 Edx - Conundrum
20:28 Fluff - Silent Life
20:25 Vievie - Blue Island
20:22 Audax Feat. Ron Caroll - Falling For You
20:19 Alan Walker - Faded
20:14 Faithless Feat. Nathan Ball & Caleb Femi - I Need Someone
20:11 Gesaffelstein & The Weeknd - Lost In The Fire
20:02 Schiller - Empire Of Light
19:57 Eelke Kleijn - Woodstock
19:54 Morgan Page Feat. Lissie - Firewalk
19:48 Aurosonic, Katty Heath, Frainbreeze - All I Need (Chill Out Mix)
19:45 Lunax - I Like
19:41 Aakarshan - Tantra Café
19:38 Blank & Jones Feat. Jan Loechel - Beautiful Life
19:35 Winona Oak & Robin Schulz - Oxygen
19:28 Tycho - Epoch (Luttrell Remix)
19:23 Kidsø - Fir
19:20 Pirra Feat. Lindstrøm & Prins Thomas Remix - Limousine Lies
19:16 Dash Berlin & Dbstf Feat. Josie Nelson - Save Myself
19:13 Mandala Dreams - Mirror Lake
19:09 Dennis Kruissen Feat. Liza Flume - Another Soul
19:04 Bacaro - Under Presure
19:01 Nora Van Elken - Interstellar
18:58 Iossa, Ken Holland - The Seed Feat. Iossa (Original Mix)
18:38 Antenne Vorarlberg Chillout
18:34 Iossa, Ken Holland - The Seed Feat. Iossa (Original Mix)
18:31 Alle Farben - Bad Ideas
18:28 Tinlicker & Helsloot - Because You Move Me
18:22 Steen Thottrup - El Alba
18:16 Röyksopp Feat. Susanne Sundfør - If You Want Me
18:09 Firtz Kalkbrenner - Golden (Fideles Remix)
18:03 Insilent - Emagination (Layback Mix)
17:59 Sans Souci - Take My Breath Away (Original Mix)
17:56 Zoe - C'est La Vie
17:51 Depeche Mode - Sister Of The Night
17:47 Eelke Kleijn Feat. Josha Daniel - Oscillations
17:40 Jean-michel Jarre - Equinoxe, Pt. 4
17:37 Groove Da Praia - Is This Love
17:31 Christopher Von Deylen - Free
17:29 Felix Jaehn & The Stickmen Project Feat. Calum Scott - Rain In Ibiza
17:25 Sia - Alive
17:18 Dale Anderson Feat. Anil Chawla - Pimento Grove
17:14 Dk Dent - A Walk In The Park
17:11 Sanah - Invisible Dress (Maro Music X Skytech Remix)
17:02 Dino Lenny Feat. Artbat - Sand In Your Shoes
16:59 Bedouin Soundclash - Brutal Hearts (Flicflac )
16:56 Blank & Jones - Swept Away
16:53 York - On The Beach (Kryder & Jenjammin Sax Edit)
16:48 Soulcraft - Beware Of My Love
16:45 Alina Baraz & Galimatias - Fantasy (Felix Jaehn Remix)
16:42 Mila Feat. Uwe Worlitzer - Teil Von Mir
16:38 Moya Brennan - Ancient Town
16:33 Lazy Hammbock - Surround Me
16:29 Two Lanes - Pièces Froides: Ii. Danses De Travers
16:22 Bernstein - Babel
16:18 Melokind - Tiefgang
16:13 Sine - Smooth Relaxation
16:08 Schiller & Tricia Mcteague - Guardian Angel
16:03 New Age Kings - Illusion (Instrumental Remix)
16:00 Sal De Sol - Another Chance (Single Mix)
15:55 Schiller Feat. Jael - Tired (Live)
15:53 Above & Beyond - Quieter Is Louder (Original Mix)
15:49 Zhu - Faded
15:46 Swedish House Mafia & The Weeknd - Moth To A Flame
15:43 Thrdl!fe & Sleepwalkrs - Outta My Head
15:40 Tainted Youth Feat. Lucinda - Teardrops
15:37 Bernward Koch - Flowing Colors
15:29 Jan Blomqvist - Empty Floor
15:26 Robin Schulz - Headlights
15:23 Shouse - Won't Forget You
15:20 El Profesor - Bella Ciao (Hugel Remix)
15:17 Kungs Feat. Jhart - Dopamine
15:11 Rodriguez Jr. Feat. Liset Alea - What Is Real
15:07 Solaris Navis - Blissful Memories
15:01 Deep Dive Corp. Feat. Dennis Le Gree - Water
14:58 Nora En Pure & Lika Morgan - In The Air Tonight (Sons Of Maria Remix)
14:55 Nora En Pure - Roots
14:52 Raffa Fi - Ritmo
14:49 Wave Wave Feat. Evie - Real
14:46 Hagen Feetly - Not The One
14:41 Blank & Jones - Sunshines Better (Feat. Mick Roach)
14:39 Vinai - Hide Away
14:36 Tokkoi - 45 Minutes (Original Mix)
14:31 The Ocean Piano - Piano Mi Camino (Blue Wave Mix)
14:27 Music On Canvas Feat. Tabitha - Upside Down
14:24 Nightcall X Henri Purnell Feat. Eke - When The Morning Breaks
14:17 Mashk & Soul Button - Pensées
14:12 Redlounge Orchestra - Reserver
14:09 Schiller & Peter Heppner - Leben... I Feel You
14:05 Eli & Fur - Come Back Around
13:59 Mollono.bass, Ava Asante - Feeling Good
13:52 Nora En Pure - Thermal (Extended Mix)
13:47 Shakedown - At Night (Afterlife Remix)
13:43 Paco Pedilla - Chariots Of Fire (Glorious Remix)
13:39 Alex Breitling - Lilie
13:35 Ec Twins, Oda Loves You - Wonderful Life
13:30 Syntax Error - Träumen Im Gras (Syntax Experience Mix)
13:26 Klangperlenspiel - Million Words
13:22 Madonna - Nothing Really Matters
13:19 Robin Schulz - Never Know Me (Radio Mix)
13:16 Paratone - Time After Time
13:11 A.r. Rahman - Mumbai Theme Tune
13:08 Alle Farben & Flynn - I Need To Know
13:05 Mike Candys - Sky (Club Mix)
13:02 The Avener - Fade Out Lines
12:58 Neptune & Moonnight - I Need A New Love (Original Mix)
12:54 Passenger 10 - Voices In Her Head
12:46 Trinidad - L'oiseau (Original Mix)
12:40 Blank & Jones - Coh
12:33 Beyhude - Alabora
12:27 Groovecatcher - Neonstrasse
12:25 Tiësto & Karol G - Don't Be Shy
12:20 Van Bellen - Morning Awakening
12:17 Loud Luxury And Frank Walker Feat. Stephen Puth - Like Gold
12:13 Lstn - Thoughts
12:07 Parra For Cuva Feat. Anna Naklab - Swept Away (Original Mix)
12:00 Christopher Von Deylen - Opaque
11:57 Mousse T. - Boyfriend (Alle Farben Remix)
11:54 Calvin Harris Feat. Sam Smith - Promises
11:51 Zaz - Demain C'est Toi
11:45 Röyksopp Feat. Susanne Sundførd - Oh, Lover
11:42 I Will, I Swear - Long Days
11:39 Robin Schulz & David Guetta - On Repeat
11:34 Schiller X Tricia Mcteague - Miracle
11:28 Thomas Lemmer - Fatigué
11:21 Blank & Jones - White Light
11:16 Ludvig & Stelar - Reflection
11:13 Agatino Romero - I'm Feeling For You
11:10 Tom Novy & Dan Le Blonde - Let's Dance (Tom Novy Remix)
11:05 Ohm G & Bruno - One
11:01 Lstn - Sky & Sand
10:59 Feder & Ofenbach Feat. Dawty Music - Call Me Papi
10:53 Lizot Feat. Jason Anousheh - Einfach Nur Weg (Blondee & Roberto Mozza Remix)
10:50 Clément Leroux - Memories
10:47 Mount & Emdey - Venus
10:40 Hraach And Armen Miran - Krunk
10:37 Mefree - Horizons
10:33 Stepha Schweiger - When I Was A Bird
10:29 Kungs Feat. R I T U A L - You Remain
10:26 Felix Jaehn Feat. Zoe Wees - Do It Better
10:21 Schiller - Das Glockenspiel (Live Aus Der O2 World Berlin)
10:16 Three Drives On A Vinyl - Greece 2000 (Sebastian Davidson & Melosense Remix)
10:13 Nora En Pure - Branches
10:09 Marc Narrow Feat. Robin Gambler & Ian Late - L.o.v.e.
10:06 Edx - Neptune
09:57 Christopher Von Deylen - Heaven Can Wait
09:51 4 Wing - Penelope
09:48 Sneaker Pimps - 6 Underground
09:44 Loud Luxury - Cold Feet
09:39 Moca - Kleine Träumerei
09:35 Tinlicker Feat. Nathan Nicholson - Be Here And Now
09:32 Sam Feldt & Sam Fischer - Pick Me Up (Vavo Remix)
09:28 Kygo Feat. Justin Jesso - Stargazing
09:26 Famba Feat. Brando & Mkla - Games We Play
09:21 Redondo, Bolier Feat. She Keeps Bees - Every Single Piece (Original Mix)
09:16 Blank & Jones - Twilight Moon
09:13 Vize & Leony - Dolly Song (Devil's Cup)
09:09 Nightmares On Wax - Les Nuits
09:07 Hugel - Can't Love Myself (Feat. Mishaal& Lpw)
09:04 Blank & Jones Feat. Zoe Durrant - Erase Rewind
08:58 Roger Shah, Feel, Zara Taylor - One Life (Pedro Del Mar & R.i.b Chillout Remix)
08:55 Sum Wave - Backyard Stories
08:52 Above & Beyond - The Inconsistency Principle
08:45 4tunes - Helen
08:42 Avaion X Vize X Leony - Pieces
08:38 Daniel Portman - Vulnerable
08:33 Klangkuenstler Feat. Alice Phoebe Lou - Man On The Moon (Original Mix)
08:27 Airstream - Your Tears (Del Mar Mix)
08:23 Leslie, Ben E, Falki - Help Myself (Original Mix)
08:18 Valante - Rissa
08:14 Brendon Moeller - Emerging
08:11 Meduza & Becky Hill X Goodboys - Lose Control
08:07 Robert Manos - Silver
08:04 Alex Breitling - Faith
07:57 Menachem 26 - Hal (Anatolian Sessions Remix)
07:52 Eelke Kleijn Feat. Diana Miro - You (Frankey & Sandrino Remix)
07:49 Sum Wave - Milkyway
07:46 Drenchill Ft. Indiiana - Hey Hey
07:41 Rìfìs Du Sol - Alive (Anyma Remix)
07:38 Dj Antoine Feat. Chanin & Jona Xx - Dancing In Tulum
07:34 Mikael Delta - The Last Storm Of Words
07:31 Armin Van Buuren Feat. Jake Reese - Need You Now
07:27 The Alan Parsons Projekt - Mammagamma (Instrumental)
07:24 Mahalo - High Life
07:21 Klangperlenspiel - Fraction Of Your Love
07:16 Velvet Lounge Project - In Harmony
07:13 Dj Antoine & Dead-line - Shout
07:09 Christopher Von Deylen - Infinity
07:05 Hein Klein Feat. Lisa Carter - I Was Made For Loving You
07:02 Felix Jaehn, Cheat Codes Feat. Bow Anderson - I Just Wanna
07:00 Hanns Feat. Lu - Chemistry
06:56 Hystereo - Velocity
06:52 Klangperlenspiel & Puzzls - Kyoto (Wish You'd Move On)
06:50 Lunax & Zana - Gone Tomorrow
06:46 Rihanna Feat. Mikky Ekko - Stay
06:44 Buchs Feat. Nokyo - Cheverolet
06:37 Tapesh And Dayne S - How I Do (Original Mix)
06:29 David Hohme - Fear Less (Hraach Remix)
06:23 Consolidation Feat. Moguai - Ode To Joy
06:18 Martin Böttcher - Old-shatterhand-melodie (Orbient Mix)
06:10 Boral Kibil - Never Again (Bobby Deep Mix)
06:08 George Geccoo Feat. Maik Pinto - Dolce Vita
06:04 Klingande, Stevie Appleton - Sinner
06:01 Schiller - Summer In Berlin
05:58 Gamper & Dadoni Feat. Joe Jury - Satellites
05:52 Fous De La Mer - Clairs De Lune
05:48 Above & Beyond Feat. Justine Suissa - Little Something
05:45 Blank & Jones Feat. Kyle Pearce - All Of Me
05:41 Kygo & Rita Ora - Carry On
05:38 Gibbs - Waiting For Lonely
05:32 Amirali - My Way
05:25 Colyn - Unstable Gravity Alert
05:22 Kygo & Tina Turner - What's Love Got To Do With It
05:19 Robin Schulz Feat. Nico Santos - More Than A Friend
05:14 Cats On Bricks Feat. Zach Alwin - Planes Over Ushuaia
05:09 Sans Souci - Venice
05:05 Troubleman Feat. Nina Miranda - Paz
05:01 Nihoni - After Sun
04:58 Nora Van Elken - Let It Go
04:52 Hird - Getting Closer
04:45 Boral Kibil & Gulec - Lost Language
04:38 True & Berger - Imprint Of Pleasure
04:31 Tom Odell - Another Love (Zwette Edit)
04:28 Lucy Neville - Ransom
04:25 Sam Feldt - Be My Lover
04:22 Minelli, Filatov & Karas Remi - Rampampam
04:19 Tiscore - Fire To Smoke
04:14 Hannah Ild - Right Beside You
04:07 Nora En Pure - Oblivion (Extended Mix)
04:03 Sum Wave - Malin's Song
03:59 Jp Juice - Cette Planete
03:56 Sono - Keep Control (Artbat Remix Edit)
03:53 Italobrothers - Stay
03:48 Jasmon - Sanpo Suru
03:45 Above & Beyond Feat. Zoe Johnston - Treasure
03:40 Lstn - Times Of Sorrow
03:36 Mo' Horizons - Dance Naked Under Palmtrees
03:34 Pulsedriver & Tiscore Feat. Anna Grey - We Are
03:27 High Heels Breaker Feat. Sarah Palin - Come Easy (David August Remix)
03:25 Avaion, Paulwetz, Nu Aspect Feat. Yuma - Sleepless
03:16 Kygo - Freeze
03:13 Lucas Estrada, Twopilots - Bloom
03:10 Shapov & Avian Grays Feat. Kifi - Light Up The World
03:06 Passenger 10 - Serving The World
03:03 In Lonely Majesty - Sing In The Dark - Alle Farben Remix
02:59 Ac Venture - Penang Waltz (Roberto Sol Remix)
02:55 Julian Wassermann - Painfully
02:51 Calum Scott - You Are The Reason (Tiësto's Aftr:hrs Remix)
02:48 Rosa Linn - Snap
02:45 Sound Nomaden - The Morning After
02:41 Erik De Koning - Dream Flight (Chillout Mix)
02:38 Lost Frequencies X James Arthur - Questions
02:33 Afterlife - Solstice (Vocal Mix)
02:30 Edx Feat. Jess Ball - Take Me Home
02:26 Together Alone - Ain't Nobody
02:23 The Chainsmokers Feat. Kelsea Ballerini - This Feeling
02:20 Vievie - Sea Roses
02:17 Dizkodude & Dj Antoine - Your Eyes (Dj Antoine Vs Mad Mark 2k21 Summer Mix)
02:10 Desert Dwellers - Union
02:06 Jelly & Fish - Appreciation
02:03 Alok, Zeeba And Iro - Ocean
01:58 Markus Hakala - Curacao
01:55 Bernward Koch - Lonely Dream (Solo Piano)
01:49 Twocolors - Together
01:46 Mike Perry Feat. Shy Martin - The Ocean
01:42 Arty Feat. Cimo Fränkel - Daydreams (Sultan Shepard Echoes)
01:37 Eelke Kleijn - The Big Chill (Original Mix)
01:31 Monolink & Zigan Aldi - Fidale (I Feel) Vocal Version
01:27 Glockenbach Ft. Clockclock - Brooklyn
01:23 Nardis - Sunrise
01:19 Nora En Pure - Epiphany
01:15 Karsten Kiessling Feat. Helin - Fight Like A Lion
01:11 James Bright - Sarabande
01:03 Martin Roth - An Analog Guy In A Digital World
01:00 Hallmann - Always Be
00:53 Bedrock - Beautiful Strange
00:46 Worakls - By The Brook
00:43 Monoir, Eneli - 3 To 1
00:38 Ganga - The Wind
00:35 Hypnosis - Pulstar
00:31 First Aid Kit - My Silver Lining
00:28 Alex Zind Feat. Lisa Schwab - Cruel Summer
00:25 Dj Antoine Feat. Craig Smart - Good Vibes (Good Feeling) (Dj Antoine Vs. Mad Mark 2k19 Mix)
00:21 Moby - Lie Down In Darkness
00:17 P. Lion - Happy Children (Special Remastered)
00:15 Luca Schreiner Feat. Johnny Chicago - Its All Gonna Be Good (Junge Junge Edit)
00:11 Lenny Ibizarre - Pretty As You Feel
00:04 Soul Button - Circadian Rhythm (Hraach Remix)
00:01 Dj Antoine Feat. Ablai - My Corazon (Dj Antoine Vs. Mad Mark 2k21 Mix)
#Antenne Vorarlberg Chillout Lounge#Chillout#Lounge#Downtempo#Ambient#Trance#Deep House#2023#August 2023
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WQBY
Top 100 for the week ending March 5. 2023
Back To You----Lost Frequencies, Elley Duhe, X Ambassadors -1
Unholy---Sam Smith, Kim Petreas, *Disclosure remix -3
Heaven---Niall Horan -4
Reborn---SIDEPIECE, *Kyle Walker remix -5
Dancing's Done----Ave Max -6
Afterparty----Loud Luxury, Hook N Sling -22
Left N Right----Ownboss, FAST BOY -21
Money On The Dash----Elley Duhe, Whethan -7
Red Lights----Lane 8, Emmit Fenn, *EMBRZ remix -8
Out Of My Mind----Little Image -20
Just The Kinda Feeling---Yotto, Lost Boy -78
Never Gonna Not Dance Again----Pink, *Sam Felt remix -9
Lovesick----Alan Walker, Sophie Simmons -2
Freeze----Kygo -19
Drifting Away----Audien, Joe Jury -24
Lay Low----Tiesto -10
When I Talk----Kx5 w/ Elderbrook -11
You Know What I Need-----PNAU -12
Gone (Da Da Da)-----Imanbek, Jay Sean -(re entry)
I Can't Wait----Tiesto, Solardo, Poppy Baskcomb -14
Sparks-----MEDUZA, DEL-30, Mali-Koa -13
Lennon----ESSEL -15
Flowers----Mylie Cyrus -16
10:35------Tiesto, Tate McRae -18
I'm Good----David Guetta, Bebe Rexha -17
Rely On Me----Sigala, Gabry Pointe, Alex Gaudino -27
Whistle-----Jax Jones, Calum Scott -65
Shut Up----Alan Walker, UPSAHL -23
Gimme That Bounce----Mau P -29
High Heels - Party Down Under-----Flo Rida, Walker Hayes, *Sam Felt remix -83
New Gold----Gorillaz, Tame Impala, Bootie Brown, * Dom Dolla remix -31
Solitude-----Snakechips, BIA, Lucky Daye -32
Tra Tra----HUGEL, BLOND:ISH, Nfasis -34
Different Kind Of Lonely----Camp Kubrick, Don Biablo -42
Good Life----Hayden James, Emie -33
How Many Tears----Kygo, Sam Felt, Emily Warren -37
No Love For You----Regard, Drop G -28
What A Life----John Summit, Guz, Stevie Appleton -35
Wings ( I Won't Let You Down)----Armin Van Helden, Karen Harding -40
High-----Neil Francis, PawPaw Rod -38
Bel Mercy-----Jengi -44
Show Me----John Summit, Hannah Boleyn -39
Sete----BLOND:ISH, Francis Mercier, Amadou & Mariam -45
Serotonin Moonbeams----The Blessed Madonna -36
Anything But Wet----I. O. Lights -46
Creepin' ------Metro Bloomin, The Weeknd, 21 Savage -43
Chasing Shadows----Alex Warren -47
Sing Your Lullaby---R3HAB, Mike Williams -54
Kill Me------Alok -55
It's Quiet Now----Honey Dijon, Dope Earth Alien -41
Pouring Rain----Guz, Camden Cox -56
Feel Alive----TELYKAST, Sky Blu -51
Need Me Right----Anabel Englund -57
Body Breathe-----LP Globbi, Monogem -52
I'm Not Dead Yet-----Mike Posner -26
Heartbeat-----James Arthur -50
Blood Upon The Snow-----Hozier, Bear McCreary -49
On My Mind----EDX -94
Makin Time----Sultan + Shepard, Julia Church -98
Be Right There-----Diplo, Sleepy Tom, *HUGEL remix -59
Anyway----CASH CASH w/ Ruth Anne -61
Pearls-----Jessie Ware -62
Stay Above-----Lukas Graham -63
The One----INJI -66
Pegasus----MEDUZA, Eli & Fur -67
Forget You-----FAST BOY, Topic -30
Ghost Again----Depeche Mode -73
Sleepwalking----Matt Sassari, Goodboys -75
Hurt That You Gave Me----Cheat Codes, Brett Young -76
If We Ever Broke Up-----Mae Stephens -82
Borderline----Tove Lo -79
Firewalk----Morgan Page, Lissie -80
If i Live Forever-----Vintage Culture, Izzy Biju -68
Shockwave---R3HAB, Afrojack -77
Nervous System-----JOSEPH -72
Tornado------Hi Lo, (Oliver Heldens) -84
How To Drive------Alexander 23 -70
Save Some Room----Shallou -25
Running Up That Hill----Betty Who -87
Heartbreak Feels So Good----Fall Out Boy -71
Break Up With That Guy----Virginia To Vegas -90
Here-----Tom Grennan -74
Nervous-----Joan -64
*Blue (Da Ba Dee---Eifel 65, *Gabry Pointe Ice Pop remix (re entry)
Heart Wants What It Wants-----Bebe Rexha -93
Can I Get It Back----Jordana Bryant, *R3HAB remix -92
***Helicopter----James Hype -(new entry)
***Bedroom Exile-----Giant Rocks -(new entry)
***Best Man----Mike -(new entry)
***Sweet Goodbye----Robin Schultz -(new entry)
Don't Make Me Have To Come Down There-----Dolly Parton -85
***Say Your Mine-----Paul Oakenfold, Nat Monday, Christina Novelli -(new entry)
***Do U Really?-----Lyn Lapid, Ruth B. -(new entry)
Koo Koo Fun----Major Lazer, Major League Djz, Tiwa Savage, DJ Maphorisa, *Diplo -48
Infinity----Dubdogs, Bhaskar -53
Where Do We Go From Here----Gareth Emery -58
Chasing Cars----Sofi Tukker -60
Something's Coming----Cheat Codes, Lady A -69
Gimme Back My Soul------Medium Build -86
Merchans-----Sans Soucis -88
7 Gone from this week are ; Who We Love----Sam Smith, Ed Sheeran You Only Love Me----Rita Ora Loop----Martin Garrix, DallasK, Sasha Alex Sloan Drugs From Amsterdam----Mau P Weekend On A Tuesday-----R3HAB, Laidback Luke Can't Change For You----Bandrol Hayden, Charlieonnafriday AJ All Falls Down----Alonestar, Jethro Sheeran, Ed Sheeran
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THE INSIDE WORLD OF GENIUS LAB
– 𝙬𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙣, 𝙬𝙤-𝙬𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙣, 𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙥𝙤𝙨𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙙𝙪𝙘𝙚𝙙 𝙨𝙤𝙣𝙜𝙨 𝙗𝙮 𝙎𝙐𝙂𝘼 𝙤𝙛 𝘽𝙏𝙎, 𝘼𝙂𝙐𝙎𝙏 𝘿, 𝙈𝙞𝙣 𝙔𝙤𝙤𝙣𝙜𝙞 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙣 𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧𝙜𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙 𝙙𝙖𝙚𝙜𝙪 𝙧𝙖𝙥𝙥𝙚𝙧, 𝙂𝙡𝙤𝙨𝙨.
ㅡ
❝ 𝐂𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐌𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐧 ❞
ㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡ
║ Spotify╽Apple╽SoundCloud╽YouTube ║
ㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡ
518-062 - PROD. GLOSS
WHO AM I? - PROD. GLOSS
DISS - BY GLOSS
The Truth Of Life - DTown (prod. GLOSS)
INTO : DT sugA
AGUST D
Give It To Me
SKIT
724148
140503 AT DAWN
THE LAST
Tony Montana
INTERLUDE : DREAM, REALITY
SO FAR AWAY
MOONLIGHT
DAECHWITA
What Do You Think?
STRANGE
28
BURN IT
PEOPLE
HONSOOL
INTERLUDE : Set Me Free
Dear My Friend
DDAENG
SPRING DAY
TRIVIA : SEESAW
I NEED U x SEESAW (remix)
BLUEBERRY EYES (ft. SUGA)
EIGHT (FT&PROD. SUGA)
MOTS7: INTERLUDE: SHADOW
SUGAs INTERLUDE
SONG REQUEST (FT. SUGA)
FIRST LOVE
RESPECT
UGH!
TOMORROW
JUMP
134340
24/7=Heaven
2nd Grade
You Never Walk Alone
Airplane pt2
All Night
Anpanman
Answer : Love Myself
Attack On Bangtan
Best Of Me
Blanket Kick
Blood Sweat & Tears
Boy In Luv
Boy With Luv
Boyz With Fun
Butterfly
Coffee
Converse High
Could You Turn Off Your Cell Phone
Danger
Dionysus
Dis-ease
DNA
DOPE
Epilogue : Young Forever
FIRE
For You
Good Day
Hip Hop Phile
Hold Me Tight
HOME
I LIKE IT
I LIKE IT pt.2
I NEED U
I’m Fine
If I Ruled The World
IN THE SOOP (show intro)
INTERLUDE : WINGS
OUTRO : WINGS
Intro : Ringwanderung
Introduction : YOUTH
Just One Day
Let Me Know
LIFE GOES ON
Look Here
Louder Than Bombs
Love Is Not Over (full length edition)
LOVE MAZE
MA CITY
MAGIC SHOP
Make It Right
MIKROKOSMOS
MISS RIGHT
Moving On
N.O
ON
WE ON
No More Dream
OTSUKARE - SOPE DUO
WE ARE BULLETPROOF pt2
WE ARE BULLETPROOF : The Eternal
Outro : Circle Room Cypherr
CYPHER pt.1
CYPHER pt.2 Triptych
CYPHER pt.3 Killer
CYPHER pt.4
어른아이 by RM, Suga & 진
A Typical Trainee’s Christmas by RM,SUGA & 진
SUGA 싸이하누월 MIX Final
DREAM MONEY
ALL I DO IS WIN
PARADISE
PATH
PIED PIPER
RAIN
RUN
Satoori Rap
SAVAGE LOVE - Jungkook, SUGA & JHOPE
SAVE ME
Hidden Track : SEA (lyher)
So What
Spine Breaker
The Stars
2!3!
Wake Up
War Of Hormone
Whalien 52
Where Did You Come From?
Wishing On A Star
DEAD/AUTUMN LEAVES
INTRO: NEVERMIND
INTRO: THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOMENT IN LIFE
OUTRO: TEAR
OUTRO: HER
INTRO: SKOOL LUV AFFAIR
ETERNAL SUNSHINE (prod. SUGA)
WINE (prod. SUGA)
WE DON’T TALK TOGETHER (prod. SUGA)
Fly To My Room
Telepathy
Blue & Grey
My Universe (coldplay)
YOU - ØMI (prod. SUGA)
Girl Of My Dreams (ft. SUGA)
STAY ALIVE - JUNGKOOK OST (PROD. SUGA)
THAT THAT - PSY (PROD & FT. SUGA)
Yet To Come
Yet To Come (Hyundai ver.)
RUN BTS
For Youth
OUR ISLAND OST (PROD. SUGA)
OVER THE HORIZON
OVER THE HORIZON (2022 Ver, funk ver)
DDAY
Haegeum
HUH?! (Ft. J-Hope)
Amygdala
SDL
People pt2 (ft. IU)
Polar Night
Interlude : Dawn
SNOOZE (Ft. Ryuichi Sakamoto & Woosung of The Rose)
Life Goes On (DDay vers.)
TAKE TWO (PROD. SUGA | 10th anniversary song)
LILITH (ft. SUGA | Diablo IV soundtrack)
#ultkpopnetwork#mgroupedit#btsgoldnet#yoongi#suga#min yoongi#bangtan#bts#fy0309.playlist#for-yoongi0309's masterlist
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Hello friends and welcome!
Here's a master list of all of my it fics!
All's Well That Ends Well (To End Up With You)
Dust Off Your Highest Hopes
Your Eyes Look Like Coming Home
You'll Be Mine And I'll Be Yours
I Heard You Calling (It Hurt So Much To Let Go Of Your Hand)
Feeling Like I've Missed You All This Time
You're Lucky We're Not Measuring-- RICHIE!!!
When You Need A Friend To Carry You
The Path To Paradise (The Road To Ruin)
You Wouldn’t Wonder Why (You Hear They Don't Deserve You)
Butterflies (The Beautiful Kind)
To Me, That's What You're Worth
Everybody (Do The Propaganda)
Fool Me Once (Eddie Smiles) - A 'cause you bring out the freak in me Remix
hell was the journey but it brought me heaven
Exit Light, Enter Night
Not Invited (Glad I Made It)
💜got a blank space baby (i'll write your name)
💜I Think She Did It
💜i hope you think my favorite song
💜Never Knew I Could Feel That Much (That's The Way I Loved You)
💜Feel You Forget Me (Like I Used To Feel You Breathe)
💜I Think It's Best If We Both Stay
💜this love is alive, back from the dead
💜don't read the last page (I stay)
💜Seal My Fate
💜and i still talk to you (when I'm screaming at the sky)
💜wait for the signal and I'll meet you after dark
💜It's Nice To Have A Friend
💜All That's Dead And Gone And Passed Tonight
💜They Are The Hunters, We Are The Foxes
Happy Birthday, Richie Tozier
A Monopoly On Kisses
My Heart And My Home
Latching Onto You
Come Out Of The Things Unsaid
Feels Like The First Time
Show Our Dedication
You Can Change Right Next To Me
X's and Oh!
Will My Love Grow? (Wip)
Unbound (WIP)
You Won't Break Me (RichieXBen centric poly!losers)
Where You Book Matters
💚Wonderstruck (Baby, Just Say Yes)
💚we ditched the whole scene
💚play it again
💚can't help it if there's no one else
💚nothing but missing you
💚I Can't Decide If It's A Choice
Red is all one universe: Pouring Rain (Everything Has Changed). A fix it/what if Eddie and Richie left Derry together series.
Blue is all another universe- a soul bound au.
💜 were all for Los(V)erFEST, 14 days of fics inspired in some way by Taylor Swift.
💚are for Los(V)erFEST 2024, 14 more days of fics inspired by TS
All Reddie unless otherwise noted.
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Hey! I’m not sure if you still do Cherik fic recs but the ones on your blog are FAB so I was wondering if you could rec any (or have a list already?) of protective Charles?? I saw protective Erik and I gobbled them up lol
Thanks @what-on-io for the ask. I still do Cherik fic recs and I have some excellent fics for you. This list is not as extensive as the Protective Erik one, but I hope this list will have some you like.
Protective Charles
A Dangerous Game – ikeracity, pangea
Summary: When a familiar enemy of Erik's returns to the city for some old-fashioned revenge, Charles is sucked deeper into the world of the mob than ever before.
Could I need You This Much – lanasauli
Summary: Charles is all too familiar with prejudice - it's one of the more unfortunate consequences of being a telepath. It's easy to ignore, until it's directed at Erik.
Or: Charles and Erik encounter an antisemite while recruiting. Charles overreacts and almost loses control.
Line in the Sand – ikeracity
Summary: The CIA agents on the base are bullying the children, mocking them for their mutations. Charles will not tolerate it.
Or: Charles has a line, and the agents cross it. Several times. And Erik discovers that perhaps Charles is not so much of a pacifistic pushover as he appears.
Caught in the Middle of a Crossfire – Linzanity
Summary: Charles was busy counting sheep and DNA helixes when he was wrenched mind-first into Erik’s nightmare.
That which is beneath, that which we share – ninemoons42
Summary: Someone brings a knife to a gunfight, and Charles does everything he can to make sure everyone is okay, and he doesn't know why Erik is surprised by that.
For These Two Men – novera_nope
Summary: When Erik has a panic attack on the plane, even an emotionally stunted man as Logan realizes the nature of the relationship between Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr.
All the Nightmares (Here to Stay) – InsertSthMeaningful
Summary: On that fateful day in 1962, on a beach in Cuba, Charles successfully pulls Shaw's helmet off of Erik's head. Moira still takes the shot - and changes the course of mutant history.
Here to Stay (Remix) – UisceOneLove
Summary:The beach in Cuba still has bloodshed.
The road diverges down another direction.
Sleep don’t weep - baehj2915
Summary: Erik has trouble sleeping. Charles sort of makes him a little bit. Fluffy AU from the movie where they stay together--because I want them to and for no other reason--and Erik extemporizes about their relationship. Not nearly as dramatic as the title indicates. I just picked that because it's a Damien Rice song I like.
Mind’s Eye Blind – Sperare
Summary: As far as Erik is concerned, if you want to scare a person into talking, you have to present him with something more compelling than what he stands to lose...
And there is nothing in the world more compelling than Charles.
Subject E – Ook
Summary: In which Subject E, unwilling medical experiment, runs away from the lab which has him captive, and is taken in by Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters.
These Cindered Bones – swoopswoop
Summary: Erik gets attacked by something unknown and when his health starts to decline, has no choice but turn to the x-men for help after seven years of separation.
Vulnerability – TheRedGlass
Summary: An attack while recruiting leaves Erik horribly injured but Charles faces a challenge in getting him medical help and has to improvise.
Lost hope (thank god I have you) – OneWithoutAName
Summary: They hadn’t known better, Charles had told himself when everything had come back to him weeks later, terrified of what he’d done. It wasn’t their fault. If they had known him better, they wouldn’t have tried to kill him. He promised then to play by their rules. If he didn’t give them a reason to mistrust him, then they would accept him. Moira had accepted him, accepted them. Trained with them. Lived with them. She knew them. And she didn’t think twice before she tried to shoot Erik.
Diamond Dust – Fullmetalcarer
Summary: Charles shouldn't fly a thousand miles, then a hundred more, then trek through a snowy wilderness to help Erik. He shouldn't, but he does.
You’re Not Doing This Alone – flightinflame, lynds
Summary: What's meant to be a simple recruitment mission leads to both Erik and Charles being de-aged back to thirteen years old. Terrified and out of their depth, the boys try to hide their situation and help each other until they can work out what is going on.
Be dead, be alive, be something in between – The_Aleph
Summary: “It was a pleasure doing business with you, Major.”
“Forgive me when I say the feeling is far from mutual.”, he grimly took the hand: “Goodbye, Professor Xavier.”
He turned to walk out of the room, but before leaving he stopped by him, grabbed him by the collar and yanked him up to whisper in his ear:
“You are no longer my problem. The Professor is now your Master. I heard some things about him. I wouldn’t anger him. See you.”
Stryker threw him back on the floor and left without another word. Left him alone. Alone with a foreign human. The room was warm. He started to tremble.
At the end of the war, the allies freed the prisoners in the concentration camps all over Europe. Thousands could walk free for the first time in years, millions would never walk the surface of the earth again. And a few just disappeared. Some fled. Some were killed. Some were captured.
Only one was send away. And now, years later, his remains are discovered by one Charles Xavier on the mission to save his little sister. But there is not much left, not even a name. Who is this man?
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Reboot
Pairing: Jongdae/Chen x reader (female)
Word Count: 26,971 😬 read it in a mobile web browser if it crashes!
Rating: (PG13) for swearing + sexy vibes (nothing more explicit than a kiss on the page though)
Summary: Chen’s Electronics is a mystery, both how the store came to be and the man running it. When you start working as a receptionist for the enigma that is Kim Jongdae, you’re determined to be the one who unravels the mystery. You’re prepared for anything, except for falling in love with Jongdae himself.
Part eight of the Exodus Mall series (Can be read independently, but you’ll get some extra backstory if you read the other parts first!)
A/N: I’m SO delighted that Jongdae is getting his IRL happily ever after and I’m so excited to wrap up his fictional counterpart’s story today, so he can have his ending as well 💕
March 15th, 1997
Capitol Hill is in full swing, the promise of spring drawing the sleeping city from its winter hibernation. The silver dress you wear is far shorter than you're used to, but the denim jacket is big enough to properly cover your ass, which is something at least. In your platform boots, borrowed from your roommate Liz, you're almost tall enough to see over the busy street to Cal Anderson Park up ahead.
'Come on,' Liz says with an excited glint in her eye. 'The club's just on the far side of Boylston.'
You nod distantly, eyes wide as you try to take in all the people around you. After spending the last two years buried in a book in the UW library or at internships or in class it feels startling to realize how much youthful, passionate energy beats at the heart of the city so close to where you've been existing. Not that you never go out, but now that you’re approaching the end of your master’s degree you feel like a diver finally reaching the surface to draw breath. You’re ready to celebrate.
A door opens to your right and music surrounds you. An impassioned man sings about an even flow, accompanied by an aggressive drummer and what you can tell is skilled guitar playing. The people on the sidewalk beside you press in, screaming and cheering and trying to shove their way into a club. A faded sign above announces it as Moe's Bar.
Your roommate's hand finds yours and she pulls you out through an opening in the crowd.
Once you’re free again you laugh and brush your hair behind your ears. Dozens of other clubs and bars and late-night restaurants you pass are the same. Men with mohawks in every color of the rainbow. Women in combat boots with plaid jackets tied at their waists. A group of teenagers skateboard down Broadway, hollering into the night as they fly by, the clack of their wheels muffled by the lingering rain dampening the streets.
Everyone seems taken by the revelry. It would be so easy - to disappear into the thriving mass of people celebrating music and community and being alive. Now, with graduation so close you can finally taste it, you surrender to the sensation. Tilting your head back you look at the round full moon above, peeking out through the clouds, and give a joyful, if tentative, howl.
This makes your roommate turn and squeeze your hand. Liz smiles with pride. 'Now that's the spirit!' she says with a fist pump and howl of her own.
The nightclub is unassuming, especially amongst the neon and metal venues you passed to get here. Two simple brass lamps spotlight the enormous carved wooden doors. Bass thumps from within, the slight rattling of the doors is the only indication that life exists within. Shari’s reads the hanging sign.
Liz practically glows under the lights, a North star leading you into a whole new world.
After so many years of keeping your nose to the grindstone - success gained through effort rather than extraordinary intelligence; advanced classes, extra college courses during the summer, every extracurricular you could pack in before you cracked, a high school diploma by sixteen, bachelors by twenty and MBA by twenty two - you would follow her anywhere as long as it didn't involve studying or a business suit.
She guides you through the heavy wood door into a small entry room. A large man with so many piercings he'd have a terrible time at the security scanners at the airport checks your IDs. It's stayed in your wallet, practically untouched, since the official one came last year on your twenty-first birthday.
Finally inside the club you bite your lip to hide a wide, giddy smile of excitement. Bodies fill the dance floor, joyously swaying to the beat. A DJ booth rises from a far corner like Sauron’s tower in the Lord of the Rings. A man with dark hair that falls in his intense eyes runs the booth; a king commanding his loyal subjects.
Liz finds her group of friends from the mall she works at spread over two successive tables with circular cushioned benches behind them. Their names and faces blur together in the low lighting, but everyone is welcoming, offering you a smile or a shake of a hand. A cheerful blonde-haired man, who you swear says his name is Bacon, takes you and Liz’s coats and purses and adds them to an overflowing pile beside him.
Before you can even think of sitting down Liz guides you onto the dance floor. Normally you’re the one in control. The one with the plan. The group leader or the one who organized the debate team fundraiser/supply closet at work/networking mixer. But it’s… nice, not having to be the center of everything, keeping it together with your effort alone.
She gives you a teasing smile as if she can read your thoughts and you roll your eyes with a laugh. ‘No overthinking this!’ she commands with a raised brow as you find a good spot.
As if I have any other way of thinking. ‘I promise nothing!’ you shrug and smile at her.
Your movements are slow at first, awkward, and you laugh to yourself with amusement. Self-deprecation has never been your poison. Along with an unshakeable drive to make something of yourself you've always had a healthy sense of self-esteem. Who cares if you aren't the best dancer?
You get into the swing after the second song and shake your ass with delight at the energy in the room and the incredible job the DJ is doing loosening you up. He’s remixing “Semi-Charmed Life” with an older techno hit you don’t recognize.
Before long Jongin, Liz’s crush and co-worker from the KOKO exercise studio, captures her attention and you end up dancing with Baekhyun (tragically not actually named Bacon) and a girl who calls herself Hitchcock. You recognize each other from a seminar last school year at UW and take a long break to catch each other up on your lives over shots at the table.
She tells you about her dual jobs at Microsoft and the movie theater at the Exodus Mall. You fill her in on your thesis project and she offers to look over your resume as you plan to apply to a similar track at the tech giant after you graduate.
When Liz said she was forcing you from your obsessive, ahem dedicated, studying for your research paper you didn’t know what to expect, but it wasn’t all of this. Reconnecting with a friend. A potential foot in the door at your dream job. Dancing so much that your back gets slick with sweat. Laughing with Liz so hard your stomach aches as Baekhyun attempts to breakdance, nearly falling backwards into no less than four people.
As if the night couldn’t get any better, something else catches your eye. Someone else - the DJ steps down from the booth on a break.
His black pants, white shirt, and tie would be overly formal and out of place in the nightclub, but his pushed-up sleeves reveal muscled forearms. The neon yellow sunglasses and loose piano pattern of the tie he wears make him look sexy, in an off-duty retro businessman kind of way. His face reveals none of his emotions as he slips off his shades, tucking them in his jacket pocket. But the corners of his lips tilt up with amusement as he scans the room.
Clearly he’s impressed with the atmosphere he’s created here tonight. As he should be, you think. You imagine for a moment what it would be like if he noticed you. If this was a meet-cute or the start of something. But his focus is on the bar now, not lingering on you or anyone else in the club.
Dating for you was a rocky road and absolutely nothing like the way it looked in the John Hughes movies that were your guilty pleasure growing up.
Between your parents' support and your own innate thirst for success, you always felt like an outsider in terms of relationships. Extroverted and empathetic enough to make and maintain friendships, but boys were tougher. You could never figure out dating to your satisfaction in high school and you left when most of your peers were just finishing up Sophomore year.
In college there was hope. Studious and hardworking men with glasses and a love of Emily Dickinson and black coffee. Law school-bound guys who rowed crew and whose confidence was just on the right side of attractive instead of insufferable. John Cusack types with easy smiles and crates of vinyl they carefully collected, who performed at the Comedy Underground in hopes of ‘being discovered.’
It was both thrilling and irritating. You went after dating with almost as much determination as you did your school and career, set on experiencing everything possible.
But the English major wanted someone in a pastel dress and tights, who volunteered at an animal shelter and didn’t eviscerate him at Scrabble. The future lawyer was looking for his future trophy wife, to stand beside him at fancy dinners and fraternity mixers. And the Lloyd Dobler wannabe needed a muse, a beautiful and ethereal woman to be his object of longing, to laugh at his jokes and pass through life without worry about the future.
Not that you were jealous, or even bitter. Just because you weren’t what they were looking for wasn’t anything personal and you never took it like it was. The women they wanted existed and were wonderful in all their own ways. But it grated at you, how you always felt like a square peg in a round hole. Never being the right fit.
All your life you’d gotten used to knowing, and getting, what you wanted. It was insanely frustrating to not have found anything that stuck. Failure in any form made you frown, but thankfully romantic mishaps always took a backseat to school, friends, and your future, so it was easy to ignore. Until now.
The DJ passes close enough to you and Liz that you can see the echoes of dark circles under his eyes and the rich brown of his hair in the passing neon lights. For some reason that same intuition, that same hunger and drive that had propelled you to awards and scholarships and countless other successes, tells you to follow him. Whatever it is about him, your body and your desire react before your mind and conscious rational thought.
'I'll be back,' you yell to your roommate over the music. She nods and gives you a thumbs up as she's drawn into Jongin’s embrace once more.
Like a missile you weave through the crowd, target in sight. You watch as the DJ leans against the end of the bar, carefully positioning himself so he's at the end with no one behind him. You wonder if it's out of a dislike of people sneaking up on him or if he's a predator, sizing up the crowd.
With a casual hand he orders a drink from the bartender and surveys the crowd coolly. Too high on life to care too much, you take the seat two over from him, carefully avoiding eye contact, feigning nonchalance. ‘Self-possessed,’ that’s how your fifth grade teacher described you. Independent and old beyond your years. It always thrilled you, the praise and respect of adults. You wanted to earn more of it, to be seen as capable and mature.
But something about the man beside you makes you feel younger. Raw and playful in a way you’re not sure you’ve ever been before.
Admiring the cut of his jaw, you imagine kissing it. His hands on the bar are graceful, strong, befitting his profession. You want him and you want him to want you. The thought makes you inhale a deep breath, not even sure what that would mean. Adrenaline and delight fill your mind and you briefly fantasize about him holding you close on the dance floor like Jongin does to Liz. His hands on your hips and his mouth teasing your neck.
The bartender reappears on your side of the bar, his bald head gleaming in the lights of the club, and you snap back into reality. The flames tattooed across his knuckles shine as he slides a drink down the length of the bar, towards the DJ. An impulsive, reckless daring you've only ever felt before at debate tournaments makes you reach out and catch the glass of dark liquid before it can reach its desired recipient.
In one smooth motion you lift it to your lips and turn to meet the DJ's deep brown eyes. With a smirk you raise the glass. In two gulps you down the drink, the bourbon burning its way down your throat, reminding you how good it feels to be free, to be alive.
To challenge someone who feels like a decent opponent.
He watches you, his eyes flaring with surprise before fading back to indifference. He looks like a tiger in a cage at the zoo, pacing in front of a glass divider. His fingers tap impatiently on the lacquered bartop and he tilts his head, watching as you lick the moisture from your lip, savoring the taste. You wonder if he'd be just as heady and strong on your tongue.
You have the feeling that with the slightest pressure in the right place and the glass would shatter, unleashing the beast within. The thought makes you clench your thighs together, a heat filling you that has nothing to do with the people pressing in on you trying to get the attention of the bartender.
The DJ seems just as self-contained as you are. A voice inside you whispers of unstoppable forces meeting immovable objects and you wonder which of you would cave first.
Before you can say anything, before you can even wipe the satisfied smile off your lips or ask his name or offer to pay for the drink, he drops a bill to the counter and slides off the stool. He pushes into the crowd, disappearing as if he'd never been there. As if he hardly noticed you.
But you didn't miss the interest, the arousal, the animal within him rising to your challenge. He slinks back up to the DJ booth and resumes his position of power, thirst unquenched.
You don't know his name, or anything about him. Aside from the fact that the way he looks at you feels so wrong it's right, and that his hands are the first ones you've ever wanted wrapped around your waist so badly you can feel it beating in your palms.
But you know one thing, as you rejoin your roommate on the dance floor, whatever has started between you and the enigmatic DJ isn't finished.
May 21st, 1997
You straighten your blazer, looking in the mirror to make sure your outfit is perfect. It’s not your first interview this week and it certainly won’t be the last, but it is the one you’re the most curious about.
The position as a receptionist and accountant for an electronics repair store isn’t exactly how you pictured your first job after getting your MBA, but the pay and the opportunity to work alongside the enigmatic tech genius Kim Jongdae is a chance you can’t pass up.
All that’s left is the graduation ceremony in June and then you’re free. Your final exams are done, your thesis is defended, and you’ve completed a thorough and perhaps slightly obsessive spreadsheet documenting all your connections who might have an in at your most desired companies. Now knee-deep in the process of interviewing for jobs it strikes you all of a sudden that this is what you’ve been working for… almost all your life.
The lighting in the bathroom of the mall is stark and a moment of uncertainty makes your knees weak.
Since your test results in elementary school came back top of the class it’s been the same refrain. Get good grades. Impress your teachers. Study and diversify your interests and push harder every year and eventually it will all pay off, right? You’re damn proud of what you’ve done, but now, here in the after, all you can think as you watch your own reflection is - now what?
Frowning, you wonder how many other applicants there are for this job. Anyone in the tech circle in Seattle knows about Jongdae. Rumors abound that he was set to be the next Bill Gates when an investment deal went south. Or that he was kicked out of Harvard for embarrassing his professors with his superior smarts. Someone in your Econ seminar once told you she’d heard that he was contracted by the NSA to spy on foreign hackers.
Whatever his history, he currently runs a computer and electronics repair store in a very unassuming mall in Capitol Hill. You want to stand out, and what better way to do so than the track down the mystery of Kim Jongdae, the prodigy turned hermit. You infuse your veins with confidence, knowing you can handle anything thrown at you. Or so you think.
The mall is quiet and peaceful in the mid-morning on a Wednesday. A couple of tables in the food court are filled with older men and women playing cards and board games. A group of moms walks past you talking about a storytime at the bookstore in the mall.
The slow and steady hum of activity in here is a far cry from where you thought you’d be working. Professors encouraged you to head to IBM or Oracle. With your skills, business sense, and intuitive ability to pick up each new trend in technology they told you that you would have your choice of opportunities.
But while you’re no stranger to hard work and a competitive work environment, the idea of clawing your way to the top of yet another group of high achievers just sounds… awful.
You long to travel, to finally see some of the exotic and culturally rich places you’ve stuck photos of to your fridge. You want to be able to actually go out on the weekends and see your friends. Whatever your future holds you want to finally enjoy your life outside of school and work, even if it’s only for a year.
You could always recognize the friends who were interning at Amazon because they looked like they’d come off a week of no sleep. Many of your fellow MBA graduates were flocking there, as the company finally went public earlier this month. But something just felt - off to you. Like a canary in a coal mine.
Purpose, fulfillment, financial security, and a challenging work environment? Yes.
Burnout, no free time, and living and breathing for ‘the company’? No, thank you.
At the salary Jongdae had advertised you could easily continue to afford the apartment you shared with your two roommates and work on paying off the remaining student loans your scholarships hadn’t covered. And you could hide away a small amount of your check every month for the trip to Amsterdam you’ve been planning for years.
The gentle music in the wide, bright lobby of the mall makes you sigh in relief. This job is a win-win and you’re more determined than ever to get it.
You finally see the shop. If you weren’t looking for it, you’d have missed it between the black and neon purple exterior of KMS Music and the narrow security office tucked behind the lively pizza restaurant. There’s a line winding its way in front of the music store and you assume it’s for an album release. Until you realize that the line is leading straight where you’re going and stop in your tracks.
Chen's Electronics. The mall is full of colors and bright shop fronts. But this is almost bleak in comparison, as though it's resisted the outright displays of joy and liveliness that seem to be at the heart of the mall. The sign is red neon against a black and steel facade. A simple poster hangs in one of the two wide windows that frame the door.
We do:
- Hard Drive Repair
- Internet Connectivity Issues
- Computer virus protection
- Turntables, record players, and other portable home audio systems
- Radios
- POS/credit card system repair (For stores in the Exodus Mall only)
We do not:
- Sell computers or computer parts. Don't ask.
You raise a brow at the last note. The harsh exterior of the store and the brusque tone definitely match with what you've heard of Chen's Electronics - that the man who runs it is a computer genius, but that his bedside manner leaves much to be desired. Perhaps that's why the job posting emphasized 'superior customer service skills.'
The line you join grows, others coming in behind you, and you wonder if Jongdae told everyone the same 10am time frame or if he staggered interviews throughout the day. As you wait the line slowly dwindles. A woman leaves crying a few minutes later, and you watch her go with surprise and attempt to peek into the store. You’re still too far back to see in, so you’re left to wait and wonder.
Finally you’re next, waiting just outside the store. A printed piece of paper is taped to the door. CLOSED FOR INTERVIEWS it says in big, bolded letters.
The tall man who was ahead of you in line isn’t visible at either of the two work stations set up inside the shop. There must be a back room of some kind. You take the moment to check out the space. The store is organized chaos. Rows of shelves line each of the two walls, full of equipment - computers in various states of disassembly, old transistor radios, a VHS player, a few turntables, and endless coiled stacks of cords interspersed.
The walls above them and the two walls behind the work stations, on either side of the hallway leading to the back, are blank. No advertisements or personalized touches to make the business seem welcoming. Just bland, empty beige walls. One desk has only a computer, keyboard, and mouse. The other is full of parts and tools that extend over the desk to not one, but two shelving units behind it. Like Jongdae was in the middle of a project and the interviews are a rude interruption.
A muffled angry shout comes from the back, behind the gray curtain hung up over the entrance to the rear of the store. The tall man moves it aside with a sneer as he charges across the floor. With a voice practically a growl he shoves open the door and you jolt back to avoid being hit.
He looks you up and down and shakes his head. ‘Good luck. You’ll need it.’
After a last straightening of your jacket you swallow and push through the door. It's quiet inside, almost reverent, as the door closes behind you. The fluorescent lighting overhead isn't the most welcoming and the tan carpet is terribly dated. No one comes to meet you. The man on the other side must be waiting, like a dragon in his lair.
Your hand closes over the strap of your purse and you hesitate at the curtain, not wanting to move forward without being invited. 'Hello?'
Footsteps come down the short hallway and a hand appears, moving the curtain out of the way to reveal a man. Your jaw almost drops. Oh, shit. It's not at all who you were expecting the famed Jongdae to be - a studious man with glasses and a bad tie.
No, this man is handsome in an aggressive way. His black hair is styled back in a neat wave. His high cheekbones and strong brows hold no humor or friendliness. Only the catlike upturn of his lips stands in rebellious contrast to his unwelcoming face.
This isn't the first time you've seen this face either, you realize, and it's like being run over by a train. He seems to connect the dots at the same moment and his eyes widen, eyebrows raising. It’s the DJ from the bar. The drink. The - oh, god.
He presses his mouth together, smothering his surprise and sitting down harshly in the chair at the crowded desk in the main room. 'What are you doing here?' He keeps his voice tightly contained, not minding in the least that the other potential job candidates are surely watching you both right now.
You give yourself a small shake and remember you're not here to hit on him. You're here for a job. 'I have an interview.'
Best case is ignoring the whole thing. It didn’t happen. Not here in the light of day. His poker face might be good, but yours is better. You keep your breathing even and hope that the racing of your heart isn’t making your cheeks red.
He tilts his head to the side, pressing his lips together in amusement. ‘Alright then.’ Turning to the side he stands and holds the curtain open, allowing you to pass by him into the small office behind.
Holding his focus, you pull out the chair in front of the desk and sit down. You place the resume and references on the table between you and fold your hands on your lap, waiting.
Jongdae takes his place opposite you as he slides the papers across the desk. His eyes dart faster than you can imagine anyone reading. He doesn’t seem flustered, but the tips of his ears are just slightly pink, his nose flaring a bit too much, and you realize he’s just as caught off guard as you are.
Finally, he finishes. 'I… don't think this is going to work.' He looks up, his hand resting on your paperwork on the desk. His face gives away nothing, but his eyes are wild and full of emotion you can’t decipher.
'Why is that?' You keep your voice steady, determined. He’s not going to dismiss you so quickly. Realizing the DJ and the tech wunderkind are one in the same has only heightened your desire to show him you’re the best person for the job.
Jongdae stares at you. This time, there's heat in his expression. You feel his eyes move over you, not taking in the professional attire, but clearly remembering the dress you wore from the club instead. 'I think you know why,' he says under his breath.
Clearing your throat you lean forward, drawn to him by some force you can't define. Like something is shoving you towards this job. 'I don't know what you mean. The posting was for an office manager and bookkeeper. I'm qualified in both and I have plenty of experience. Are you really going to decide I’m not a good fit without even asking me a single question?'
He groans and runs a hand through his hair, his composure faltering for an instant. 'Why do you want this position? You know nothing about me.'
He states it like a fact, not an opening for discussion, but you jump on it anyway. 'I know plenty.'
Satisfaction blooms in your chest when he narrows his eyes, raising a brow. 'I do my research, Mr. Kim. I’m top of my class at UW and I didn’t get there by accident. With such a small team I could get a far broader experience than I could being just another cog in the machine at Microsoft. I might not know you personally, but your reputation precedes you. I plan to excel in the tech industry. And to do that, I need to work with the best. Simple as that.'
'And I'm the best?' He leans back in his chair. Resting his elbow on the armrest, he drags a finger across his lips in appraisal.
His quick responses remind you of the competitive tennis you played growing up. The way it felt to thrive when paired with an equal opponent, someone who could match your speed and precision. Someone who gave as good as they got. How it made you better, sharpened your skills and reflexes up against someone who you couldn’t easily defeat.
'Are you trying to tell me you're not?' You cross your arms and look around, feigning surprise and curiosity. 'If you tell me who is, I'll happily go apply to be their office manager.'
He almost laughs in amusement. You can feel it. But he covers it as a cough instead and tilts his head to the side, sizing you up. 'And you know what this job entails?'
You repeat it easily from memory. 'Being the face of the business. Greeting walk-in customers. Helping them figure out if what they need is something we do. Conferring with you about pricing. Scheduling service appointments over the phone. Processing payments. Ordering supplies. Occasional advertising assistance. Other assorted duties as needed.'
'That about sums it up.'
In the charged silence you hear the muffled noises of the mall - children squealing with delight, orders being called out at the pizza restaurant next door, people talking - but it's all separated. You wonder if the distance is intentional. Many stores have roll up gates or at least have their doors propped open to draw in customers. But not Jongdae. It’s almost as though he’s actively trying to keep visitors out.
You favor boldness and decide to push him, what have you got to lose? 'So, when do I start?' Leaning forward, you give him a relaxed smile. ‘Unless you’d like to terrorize a few more applicants before you choose me? I’m happy to wait, Mr. Kim. But you can’t scare me away. And you don’t intimidate me.’
With equal decisiveness he cracks a lopsided grin and shakes his head, with both amusement and resignation. 'How's now for you?'
You give a passing thought to the other jobs, the ones you’d already interviewed for and the ones on your schedule over the coming days. They all go up in a whiff of smoke as you extend your hand across the table to shake Jongdae’s hand.
‘Now is perfect.’ His palm is warm against yours and you do your best not to react to the contact, but you can’t help the soft sigh that escapes you.
Jongdae withdraws his hand quickly, and you note with pleasure that he seems a bit shaken as he stands. ‘I’ll be right back. You can leave your things here.’ He motions to the coat hooks on the wall by the door and the tall, thin bookshelf with a few cubby slots.
Aside from a black scarf and a few extra office supplies on two of the shelves the rest of the space is empty. You wonder what he isn't saying. 'What made you want help, all of a sudden?’ He pauses and turns back to you. ‘From what I can tell you've been in business for a few years. Why now?'
He sighs. 'I'm too busy to keep doing this by myself.'
'Ah. And you hate that, don't you?'
The ghost of a smile graces his lips. 'Yes.'
Jongdae disappears through the curtain. You follow him after putting your coat on a hook and your purse in one of the spotless cubbies. The rest of the space contains a few filing cabinets, stacks of boxes, and a small safe resting on a narrow table.
When you appear back into the hallway you see a door to the left that must lead out the back. And on the opposite side is an archway with a kitchen sink, a microwave, a small fridge, and a few cupboards inside, along with a small circular table. The table has only one chair. You smile to yourself. Clearly he's accustomed to doing everything by himself.
When you emerge the other applicants are dispersing as he peels the taped sign off the door, balling it up in his hands.
Jongdae gets you set up on the computer at the other desk. It’s a relatively simple customer management software and payment system, both of which you pick up in no time. He runs you through the pricing list, pulling a laminated form from the top drawer. His filing system for customer accounts is simple and alphabetized.
Neither of you speak about that night again, but oh, do you feel it - the electricity between you when he stands too close or you meet his eyes.
Until lunch he alternates between training you and assisting customers who come in every so often. It's all straightforward, nothing you haven't managed before, and by the afternoon you're already scheduling appointments in the large old-school appointment book he keeps open to the current week.
Despite the passion and intensity in the music he plays, he keeps an even keel throughout his day job. It's almost as if you went to sleep last night and somehow woke up as someone who's worked here for years. Before closing at 5:30 he remembers other things and hands you a packet on the way out. Tax forms, an employment agreement listing the salary and benefits, and a non-disclosure form. Most of it is standard, but you wonder what kind of secrets he needs to protect at an electronics store.
You gather your things and wait outside while he closes down the shop, turning off the lights as he goes. It’s still quite sunny outside and with a shock you realize that there’s nothing waiting for you, now that the work day is done. No papers to write or projects to finish or internship to head to. The idea makes you feel unexpectedly buoyant, and when Jongdae steps out to lock the doors you give him an easy smile.
He returns it, giving you a small one of his own in response. ‘So, I normally take Tuesdays off and keep the shop closed. Wednesdays are normally pretty slow. How does Thursday through Monday sound to you? I know today is Wednesday, so if you wanted to take tomorrow off instead that’s fine with me.’
‘I’m happy to come in tomorrow.’ You want to wince at the eagerness in your voice, but instead you stand firm, holding your purse in front of you with both hands.
Jongdae slides his hands into the pockets of his jacket and nods, looking at you for a long moment before speaking. ‘Sounds great, I’ll see you then.’
You nod at him too, turning back towards the department store to head out to your car. After a beat you look behind you and see he’s still watching. His gaze is unfocused on the floor before he shakes his head, seeming to come back to himself. He heads the opposite direction, towards the movie theater. In a few seconds he’s disappeared behind the pizza place, out of sight.
Jongdae takes the longer route home today. His apartment overlooking Lake Union is the one he grew up in, his grandfather’s place. When he passed away a year ago he left it to Jongdae and it never occurred to him to move. He walks along the water, breathing in the early summer air, wanting to laugh at himself. How long has it been since he let himself be impulsive? To act on instinct. To want something.
He’d settled into a routine these past few years, since everything changed after graduation. Working at the store. Reading. Playing Go and chess with his grandfather and the other older men that lived in the building. They’d go fishing out on the peninsula or to the local symphonies that his grandfather loved. Routine had saved him when his world fell apart once, but now, with his grandfather’s absence, he’s not sure how to pick up the pieces anymore.
The seagulls on the pier are loud today, hungrily gobbling up the bread and Ivar’s french fries tossed to them by the kids gathered around. They giggle and laugh, running to their parents for more offerings. Jongdae frowns for a moment, the sadness that he doesn’t often acknowledge creeping into his heart.
His parents were gone before he really even had a chance to know them. His father to lung cancer, from the awful smoking habit he picked up in the Navy. His mother moved back to Korea to be with her family, unable to cope being in the city without her husband. Jongdae didn’t blame her, but the distance grew and they drifted apart as he became an adult himself.
Jongdae’s father’s father settled here after World War Two, along with a few of his friends. From what he remembers there wasn’t a discussion about it after the funeral - if he’d stay or go back to Korea with his mother. One day when he was young he knew his father had passed. His mother left. And with two duffle bags slung over his shoulders and little Jongdae in his arms his grandfather had moved him into the apartment with the pretty view of the water.
And that’s the way it was, ever since.
In school his friends might have joked that Jongdae was an old man himself. Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle on Sundays, getting his hair cut at the same hole-in-the-wall barber shop in Chinatown as his grandfather, and hanging out with more octogenarians than people his own age. But he loved his grandfather and the two of them were so close that he never stopped to question whether he should change to fit in with the rest of his classmates.
The only aberration came when he started DJ-ing at eighteen. The crowd he fell in with and the partying he did was short lived; they crashed and burned, went up in flames. Everything else faded as quickly as it had come, but the club scene was his escape and it stayed with him.
These days it feels like the only time he recognizes himself, now that his grandfather is gone, too. Until you walked into his store today, that is. You looked him dead in the eyes, unafraid. Just like the night all those weeks ago in the club when you came up to him, flirted with him and challenged him.
He doesn’t know how to move on with his life.
He doesn’t know what’s next.
But wanting you, inviting you into his life, is going to change everything. He knows it in his bones and for once change excites him, instead of frightens him.
June 18th, 1997
For an achingly slow two hours on Thursday the only sounds in the shop are your typing and Jongdae’s tools hitting the metallic insides of the radio he’s fixing. You should be processing yesterday's supply orders. Or cleaning up the books to get everything ready for the days' billing before you make a run to the bank.
But instead you watch in your periphery the way the muscle in Jongdae’s jaw moves when he's focusing. How his brows pull together and his lower lip sticks out slightly, making him look as though he's perpetually pouting. You wonder if you would have gotten along with him in school. If he was always so... uptight. Or if he was freer, looser. Not that you’re the picture of ease yourself, but he seems to almost vibrate with tension.
You watch as he turns back to the computer, his fingers fly across the keyboard and you admire the absolute focus he shows toward the screen in front of him. The past few days he’s handled repairs and projects for businessmen and women, families, and two gentlemen in suits that screamed ‘government’ to you. He could be repairing a nuclear warhead in front of you and you imagine his expression would remain the same.
His standard white button-up shirt bunches around his biceps while he works. A mischievous part of you wonders what it would take to make his robotic exterior crack again. What it would take for him to show joy or anger or arousal. Emotion from him is a precious, rare thing and you want to grab them when they do show, holding them tightly as proof they exist.
You jolt, realizing the unintended destination your thoughts have arrived at. Arousal. Where did that come from? With a cough and a shake of your head you refocus on the financial statements in front of you.
If you hadn't seen him that night at the club you'd have wondered if he ever enjoyed himself. He wasn't smiling that night, but the music and the dancing and the palpable energy seemed to soften the hard lines of his face. You want to see more of that Jongdae, the one that feels so much closer to who he really is, underneath it all.
However he started in this business, in the tech scene, he works away at it as though it's his sole purpose in life. He's clearly talented enough to fix anything, code anything. You’d asked him last week how he knows what to do, as you looked into a complicated mess of wires sticking out of a broken CPU as though it were gibberish.
All he’d said, in a gruff voice, was that his grandfather liked to tinker and take things apart before putting them back together, to see how they worked, and that he’d picked up the habit.
'Why do you work by yourself?' The sound of your voice is much louder than intended, breaking the hush in the store. You want to swallow the words, unsure why you didn't stop them from escaping. Instead you bite the skin on the inside of your cheek and watch as he lifts his head to look at you.
Jongdae raises a brow. 'As opposed to?'
You stop typing and lean back in your chair. 'You could have worked for anyone, I bet. After you graduated college. I’ve heard a few of the rumors about you. It sounds like you could have done anything you wanted. What made you want to start your own business?'
He mirrors your pose. 'What makes you think I went to college?'
You blink. For so long your parents' idea of a prosperous life - good grades, extracurriculars, graduate from a top college, get a lucrative, secure job - had been so ingrained that it surprises you to imagine that someone like him didn't go to school. 'You didn't?'
He smiles, the dimple appearing briefly in his cheek. 'Alright, fine. Yes, I did. I went to M.I.T. and I, uhm, graduated at seventeen.'
'Seventeen?' The competitive drive that buried itself in your bones early on wants to prove itself to him, awed by the size of his intellect.
'With my PhD.' He winces. Just for a moment, but you catch it.
'Oh,' you say with a stunned laugh.
He goes back to work with a quick shake of his head and a sigh. 'Yeah, that right there is why I don't tell people.'
You’re surprised by his assumption that you’d view it as a bad or repulsive fact. 'It's amazing. You should be proud of it. Why would you want to keep that a secret?'
His lip pouts again and irrationally you think about what it would be like to kiss him. 'Because now you'll look at me differently. Like I'm some kind of freak of nature.'
'I don't think it makes you a freak.' Your answer is immediate and emphatic.
'Oh really?' He gives you a side-glance, keeping his tone neutral.
'No, it makes you a genius. And intelligence is never a bad thing. Quite the opposite, in fact.' It does nothing to help the attraction you feel for him. Rather than dousing the flames, it pours gasoline on them.
'Tell that to -' he stops himself, pressing his lips together. The bitterness in his voice makes you jerk back in your seat. ‘Nevermind. It was a long time ago. Forget I said anything.’
But you can fill in the gaps, no stranger to the judgement of others. 'Clearly you need better friends.'
He blinks, vulnerability filling his eyes. 'Like you?' His expression softens and he gives you a half-smile.
You blush, realizing what it must look like that you’re so passionate about defending him. 'Sorry, I didn't - all I mean is that it’s attractive.’ You curse yourself and cough delicately, trying to appear impartial. ‘An attractive quality. I just got my master’s and I thought I was advanced for my age. So I just meant to say… I get it. And you’re not a freak.’
The moment stretches out between you, the air in the space seeming to pause. The muted, reverent silence fills the distance once more. But this time it’s charged, tense. Waiting. He breathes in deeply, the shirt he wears stretching across his chest and yet again you long to touch him. For a beat his gaze drops to your lips and he swallows, opening his mouth to speak.
But he’s interrupted by the door opening. The ding of the motion sensor makes you both jolt, turning to see who it is. An older woman comes in carrying a heavy looking bag. She coughs and leans against the door to rest.
Jongdae bolts up from his desk, clearing his throat. 'Here, let me help with that.'
He bows to her with a warm smile, holding his hands out to take the bag. She nods and Jongdae slings the bag over his shoulder, wincing when it collides with his back. With a gentle arm around her back he helps her into the chair opposite his desk.
'Thank you, young man,' the woman says with a smile.
'Not at all,' Jongdae says, resuming his post on the stool. 'How can I help you today?'
You're certain your mouth has fallen open. To difficult customers he's brief, almost condescending, and for the nice ones he’s reserved and polite, but nothing like this. For over an hour he patiently connects the woman's computer to his power strip and walks her through how to use it.
Again and again he shows her the links and how to work the web browser. Installs a complimentary virus protection program. Makes sure she can find the Solitaire application she loves. And only charges her $20.
But after she leaves the next customer is a businessman dressed in what looks to be a very expensive suit. Jongdae spends the laughably short visit practically sneering at the man. And he charges him at least twice what it says on the pricing list he gave you.
As soon as the door closes you release the laugh you’ve been holding in. 'You know, for someone who runs a business, you seem hell bent on driving some of your customers away.'
He shakes his head, hair falling in his eyes. 'He was a moron. You don't buy the Rolls Royce of computers if you don't know how to drive it.'
'So the only exception here is kind old ladies?'
Jongdae barks out a laugh, meeting your gaze and looking younger than you’ve ever seen him. 'Exactly.'
June 28th, 1997
Moments after you walk out the door for lunch during a bustling Saturday it pings again, announcing yet another customer. This one is probably his scheduled twelve o’clock appointment, Jongade thinks as he looks distractedly at his watch.
He turns to greet them and his entire body recoils. 'What do you want?' Jongdae practically hisses, but he keeps his tone even with all his might.
Since you’ve taken over scheduling Jongdae hardly looks at his calendar anymore. If he’d known Julian Danforth was seeking his help he would have told him to fuck off. Unfortunately Jongdae’s hesitation in talking about his past means you could have no possible idea how much the man standing before him used to matter.
Julian strolls in with a computer in his arms and a smugness on his mouth that Jongdae wants to punch off. His sunglasses are perched on the top of his head and his khaki shorts have neatly pressed lines, clearly not done by the man himself, who drips with privilege.
He'd thought these feelings were long buried, but they roar in Jongdae’s chest. The friendships and the future he almost had are now scattered behind him like a trail of carnage, all the fault of this man. The burn of sadness and embarrassment that fills Jongdae’s stomach was supposed to be gone, relinquished to ashes. But seeing one of his former best friends again Jongdae feels like he's ten years old, stuck in a class with far older students. Young, inexperienced, an outcast.
‘Good afternoon to you as well, old friend.’ Ignoring the daggers Jongdae is staring at him, Julian steps forward, setting the computer down on the desk. 'Like I told the woman on the phone I'm having a problem with some computer virus.'
He says it like it’s a slimy, living thing that had crawled into his machine. Displeasure colors his expression; annoyed at the mere thought that his money and status don’t render him immune from such commonplace problems. ‘You know I don’t trust anyone else with my system.’
After what you did I should smash your computer open. Jongdae doesn't speak as plugs the machine into the power strip he rigged to his desk, not willing to risk what he’ll say.
It's a far more expensive model of computer than most of his clients bring in. Those who purchase such a high end version fall into two camps - enthusiasts like himself who know what they're getting, or the rich and famous who buy them as status symbols and have no clue how to work them. Julian, unfortunately, falls into the latter category.
The computer starts up and Jongdae’s mind goes into work mode, tuning out Julian. The virus has rendered it unusable, only a blur of symbols and lines of code flit across the screen. None of the normal exit keys brings up the desktop. Jongdae purses his lips and slides in the floppy disk he keeps beside his own monitor, an anti-virus he designed.
He leans into muscle memory as he runs through the start up and sets the program to do its job. With any luck the idiot just found some simple malware from some incredibly obvious email spam or downloaded a bug on a porn site. In all social and business sense Julian is a shark; he'd never have fallen for such an obvious scam in real life. But when it came to computers and technology he was hopeless, and thus Jongdae had come into his life years ago.
'How long have you been set up here?' Julian asks with a dismissive glance at the machines and equipment stacked on the shelves.
'Why do you care?' The question comes out harsher than he intends, but the emotion isn't entirely unearned.
Once upon a time he and Julian met in Seattle, after Jongdae was fresh out of M.I.T. and Julian had flunked out of yet another University. They were determined to build a business together. If he had more energy Jongdae would wear this store and his reputation proudly, built from no family connections or money, just his own intelligence and drive. After how thoroughly Julian severed Jongdae’s life he should rub his success in Julian’s face with pride.
Instead he ignores him, determined to move on.
The program finishes its run in rapid time, as though it knows how quickly Jongdae wants this moment to end. The virus dissipates and the desktop loads like normal. He's tempted for a second to indulge his curiosity to see what Julian has been up to. Last he knew Julian had gone to work at his father’s investment bank, dreams of standing on his own cowed by the reality of the world outside of his comfortable bubble. Without Jongdae there’s no way the business and the program held up to scrutiny.
For a second Jongdae stares at the screen, remembering how good it had felt to have found his people. Tech nerds, hungry to build something that would change the world. Julian, who wanted to cast off his father’s legacy and strike out on his own. Julian’s girlfriend Marissa and her soft heart, who wanted to help people. Their friend Albert, with the plan.
Once he knew them so well he hardly knew where he ended and they began. But now, all these years later, they’re strangers.
Jongdae looks up and watches Julian as he absently admires the collection of turntables on the wall behind the desk. He knows Julian well enough to know this might be an act of contrition, his way of bridging the gap he created to reach out the olive branch of friendship once more. But Jongdae’s curiosity already killed the cat once, spectacularly, and he has no desire to repeat the mistake.
He unplugs the machine and watches the screen go dark, shoving it with both hands across the polished wood surface towards Julian. 'There. It's fixed.'
For customers who are far more polite and far less acquainted with Jongdae he might have explained what caused the virus or recommended an anti-virus software or even shared best practices to avoid getting one in the future. But, for Julian, he'll do what he was hired for and nothing more.
Julian stands and clears his throat uncomfortably. 'How much do I owe you?' A hint of guilt as he pulls out his wallet.
The motion reminds Jongdae of vacations to Marissa's family home in the San Juans or partying with Julian, Albert, and the rest of them in Capitol Hill. When they turned on him it was like the sun went out. He managed to take his pride and his love of music and DJing and escape. Once Jongae rebuilt his life the doors to the past firmly closed.
Anger finally peeks through as he waves a dismissive arm at Julian. 'I don't want your money. Not spending a second longer in your company will be all the payment I need.' He stands as well. Their business today is done and he lets his memories of the past fall before him like ashes.
An awkward beat passes between them and finally Julian breaks eye contact. With a nod to the ground he pushes out the door and disappears, carrying his computer.
He breathes out a sigh of relief, folds his arms, annoyed at how his position and his continued presence here in Seattle occasionally brings him into contact with people like Julian. He should have moved, he thinks. Gone to Singapore or Berlin or London or New York. But for some reason, he stayed.
Through the front window he watches you laugh with your friends in the food court and smiles to himself, thinking of how you call him Scrooge. It should unnerve him, how quickly seeing you or speaking to you or simply thinking you makes his day better, more hopeful; chases away the shadows that linger in his mind when he's left alone for too long. No, left alone isn't the right word. When he isolates himself.
Jongdae doesn’t really know you, not yet. But already he wants to make all of your dreams come true, he wants to make them real.
The thought is so sentimental and kind and soft that it brings him up short. He bites the inside of his lip and tries to fight the warm feeling in his chest as he watches you laugh. But as he resumes his work he acknowledges that maybe there was a reason he stayed in Seattle, after all.
The mall is packed during lunch; it’s one of the only days you and your roommates and Hitchcock all work together so you’ve christened it Saturday girl’s lunch time. But Baekhyun and Chanyeol of course crash in, as they always seem to. Loud and raucous and happy. Others from their wide circle of friends drop by to grab slices or to make plans for tonight.
Baekhyun sticks two straws in his nose and makes what are probably very scientifically inaccurate walrus noises. As you laugh so hard you almost snort you can’t help but feel like something is missing. Someone is missing. You look back to the shop, drawn to Jongdae as always.
He works away, resuming his repairs after chasing another customer away with his attitude. You sigh, watching the blonde preppy man carry away his enormous computer, muttering to himself. You rest your foot on the edge of your chair and drop your chin to your knee. From this angle, surrounded by the stark design of the store and the fluorescent lights from above, Jongdae looks like he’s trapped inside of a screen himself.
You bite your lip, debating. He’s made it clear that whatever happened between you at the club isn’t something he will discuss, or repeat. But friendship? Community? You work together five days a week and it wouldn’t kill him to get out of his enclosure once in a while. It’s done you good this month, to be out and about with people. Like you can finally breathe for the first time in a long time. And you decide that it’s high time Jongdae do the same.
Liz and Jane, your roommates, call you ‘determined.’ But they say it in a way that clearly means ‘like a homing missile,’ when you want something. Your nature has served you well; you can cut through the bullshit and figure people out almost instantly. It’s helped you both professionally and personally. Allowed you to know immediately which friendships would last, which ones were worth the effort.
Maybe it’s how Jongdae looks like an island, all alone in the shop. Maybe it’s the large Coke that infused you with far too much caffeine. Maybe it’s your insatiable curiosity. But you can’t keep watching him from afar, not when there’s something you can do about it.
‘I’ll be right back.’ Pulling on your denim jacket, you march over to the store. You lean inside the glass door, holding it open with your shoulder. ‘Hey, you.’
Jongdae looks up at you, confusion tugging his brows together, making him befuddled in the cutest way. You tell yourself to stop thinking of him like that, even if you want to.
He blinks and refocuses on you. ‘Back already?’
‘No, but we’ve got more than enough pizza. Why don’t you join us?’ You grin, making a show of looking around the empty office. ‘It’s finally slowed down, and you deserve a break.’
‘I’m on a deadline with this.’ He gestures to the modem that is scattered around him.
You fold your arms and lean against the door. ‘You can fix that in twenty minutes. I know you.’ He opens his mouth to speak, but you beat him to it. ‘And before you throw another excuse you should know I’m very persuasive when I want to be. I don’t think you have another option.’
Jongdae barks out a laugh, dropping the tools in his hand to the desk with a thud. ‘Determined to drag me from my lair, huh?’ He holds your gaze, his expression filling with something akin to heat. Finally he gives you a rueful smile. ‘You’re not going to give up on this, are you?’
You meet his eyes and raise a brow, smiling with satisfaction. ‘Nope. Absolutely not.’
The certainty on his face turns into sadness, so fast you can’t be sure it was really there. Then he closes off and he’s quiet, more so than normal. ‘It doesn’t come easily to me.’
Wondering what could have changed so quickly you step forward, letting the door close behind you. ‘What, pizza?’
It shakes you how desperately you want to know. To peel back his skull and see inside his brain, just to understand what makes him tick. His history and where his future is headed. That small voice inside you whispers that once you figure it out, it still won’t make you care less about him.
‘Friends.’ He says it on a gasp. Looking at the floor fixedly, avoiding your eyes, he seems haunted.
The silence surrounds you both and he finally meets your focus again, chewing on the inside of his cheek. The pieces start to come together. He’s intelligent, preternaturally so, and so advanced in school you can’t imagine he’s had much experience with people his own age. And now that he’s in his mid-twenties he’s built himself a fortress. Close enough to the rest of the world, but distinctly separate.
Irrationally you want to reach across the space and wrap his hands in yours. Tug him into your growing group of friends and fix the ache in your chest his expression gives you. Not sympathy and certainly not pity, but some sensation that’s like butterflies in your stomach. But- he’s your boss. You’re not his keeper and you don’t think whatever dangerous emotion lives in you is what would help him.
He’s not yours and you don’t have the right to push, much that you want to.
‘Ah,’ you say. ‘I see. Well, more often than not we have Saturday pizza out there. The offer always stands. I’ll leave you be if you want to be alone, but just -’ you swallow and give him a tentative smile. ‘Just know that we’d be happy to have you join us. I’d be. Uhm. Happy if you joined us.’ It comes out in a rush and you groan.
With a shake of your head, an uncharacteristic gesture of uncertainty and embarrassment, you wave at him and push back out the door into the noise of the mall.
It’s a shame you don’t turn back. Or no, he thinks, it’s better this way. Jongdae feels far too much for you to keep it contained behind his normally stony expression.
You seem like the kind of person who would take that moment of openness and pull on it, until he unravels in front of you. Fear tells him you would take everything and when you're gone he'd be even more alone than before, now that he knows what it's like with you here.
Looking out through the glass he watches you rejoin the lively group. Always he’s felt like a science experiment, or some kind of circus exhibit when he was growing up. If he didn’t have his grandfather’s steady support and gentle guidance he surely would have become even more isolated.
With a shake of his head, he attempts to refocus on the project at hand. For some reason it doesn't fill him up like he wants it to, his usual joy and satisfaction is missing when he picks up the screwdriver once more. This is where he thrives. Computers and the internet and coding.
To other people it's a labyrinth, impossible to figure out. A world and a language they can speak and learn with effort and intention and study. But to him it's always been as easy as breathing.
His grandfather took his skills from the military and parlayed them into a business as a prolific handyman. It was the world they shared. A place where Jongdae’s creativity and his intelligence could soar. Anything he wanted to build or make, he could. Coding a rudimentary game to pass the time after school, when he could hear the neighborhood kids playing soccer outside.
It took him many wonderful places that he wouldn't have been able to reach if he was, for lack of a better word, normal. As a child and even in school it was so easy to hide behind his grades and his projects and the pride and hope of the adults around him. But now, at twenty five, there’s nothing to keep him hidden anymore.
When lunch is over you return and join him with a nod. He hopes you don't regret asking. He nearly hopes you'll try again. Maybe next Saturday.
For how confident he feels in some spaces - DJing at Shari's, here in his ‘lair’ - at the thought of joining a group of friends he feels again like a nervous thirteen year old sitting in his first college course. Like everyone around him knew how to do things he couldn’t comprehend.
He keeps his thoughts and his feelings to himself; he’s already shared more than he planned. But you draw him back into conversation easily enough, asking about the afternoons orders to be picked up. You don't shy away from him or give him an angry offended air. Inexplicably you still look at him warmly, openly, and he wants more than he's dared to let himself want in a very, very long time.
July 11th, 1997
He doesn't normally leave the office at lunch, preferring to eat his meals in his back office alone, but today Jongdae braves the food court.
It’s a Friday not a Saturday, but it’s a start. He makes brief, yet friendly, conversation with Chanyeol at the pizza place. The taller man smiles at Jongdae, easily, as though he doesn’t second guess the action. He asks if Jongdae had caught the Mariner's game over the weekend and they talk about how Griffey might finally lead Seattle to a World Series this year.
For once he doesn't feel like going back to the office and burying his head in his work. Jongdae awkwardly pulls out a chair in the cluster of tables between the bookstore and the record store. As he takes a bite of his pizza he hears a familiar laugh. Turning around he sees you through the glass of the bookstore.
You speak to the woman who owns Greyhame Books, standing beside someone he thinks is possibly called Jane. It all seems so… easy for you. Tucking your hair behind your ear you lean against the counter, discussing the stack of books in front of you with your friends.
Jongdae gives a rare laugh to no one but himself.
When he imagined hiring an accountant and administrator for his flourishing business he thought he'd get someone older. A person with experience and a similar level of wanting to be left alone. They could ignore him and he could ignore them, delegating filing and payments and customer questions and not have to think about them again.
An employee was supposed to reclaim the silence and peace that his work used to bring. Technology is so much simpler and predictable than humans and he’d really prefer to cut other people out of the equation entirely.
But you are the opposite of simple, and you absolutely aren’t someone he can ignore. From the moment he recognized you he knew he had to hire you. With your intensity and your impressive resume and the way your mouth pulls to the side when you’re trying not to smirk.
He doesn't regret it. But he feels raw in a way he hasn't allowed himself to in years. Jongdae doesn't let people get close. Not anymore.
'Hey, Jongdae!'
With a pizza slice halfway to his mouth Jongdae spots Junmyeon approaching, waving, a large Starbucks drink in hand. He wants to turn away and hide in his pizza. He isn't good at this - making friends. For months Junmyeon has asked him to join in their monthly networking events here at the mall, or asked him to get a drink at Flanagan’s after work to chat. Jongdae’s all out of excuses.
He imagines his life as a circuit board. There’s his life now - pieces and wires scattered around him - and there’s the life he could have. If he’s brave and if he tries. He imagines the pieces fitting together and what they might build. He wonders if you might fit in, if you’d want him or let him.
His knee is jiggling and he’s nervous, but he takes a deep breath and waves back. ‘Hey Jun! Want to join me for a bit?’ Jun’s expression is surprised - the man doesn’t know how to keep back any of his emotions. ‘If you have time, I mean. No pressure.’ He stutters, pulse racing and cheeks reddening.
Jun grins and sits down opposite him. ‘Absolutely. About time! I thought you’d turn me down forever,’ he laughs. ‘Thanks again for helping me with that broken radio last month. You’re a pro. So, how’s business?’ He sips his coffee and waits patiently.
They can talk about business, something so easy? Jongdae wants to laugh with relief. Maybe he can do this after all.
Junmyeon is amused.
After ten minutes of talking shop with Jongdae he watches as you and Jane leave the bookstore next to their lunch spot. He’s owned a business two doors down from Jongdae for years, but he’s never seen him smile before. When you pass by it’s like someone flipped on a light switch. Jongdae has always been somewhat quiet, somewhat serious, except when he DJs. Now he sits straighter, his face softens, and his eyes fixate on yours like a magnet.
The two of you claim the other seats at the table, showing off the books you purchased. In between sips of his coffee Junmyeon balances his own flirtation with Jane and observing - okay, spying - on you and Jongdae.
He’s warmed by not just the caffeinated beverage. There’s a soft energy here- It’s a warm summer day and he’s discussing books, one of his all-time favorite topics. His mind whispers the words ‘double date’ and he smiles to himself for a moment before blinking.
“Are you alright?” Jane asks, gently resting her hand on Junmyeon’s wrist on the table.
He blushes and gives her a reassuring nod and asks if she’s read the Octavia Butler book on top of her stack yet. It’s an attempt at distraction and he knows it. But thankfully Jane’s eyes crinkle in the corners when she talks about the author, not pausing or seeming to notice the way he was fantasizing for a beat.
Across from him you and Jongdae are arguing about the merits of Isaac Asmiov. Jongdae is more articulate, more animated, more alive than he’s ever seen him. Gesturing emphatically and saying something about how robots are friends, not foes as you interrupt him by reminding him about Terminator. Neither of you seem to acknowledge the attraction between you. It’s been months since you started working at Chen’s, if Junmyeon remembers correctly.
In his periphery he sees Temptation, the chocolate store, and thinks of how Yixing and his girlfriend met on the job. One of his favorite poems mentions how love mirrors the lover; that everyone falls in love in a way akin to their personality. Yixing, passionate and insatiable and spontaneous, fell for Lavender in minutes and days. He saw what he wanted and after a slight pause to make sure it’s what Lav really wanted, he made the move.
Jongdae is nothing if not the complete opposite. Calculating and reserved and inscrutable.
His potential new friend is falling, if the lingering looks he gives you and the way he’s almost touched your shoulder not once but twice are any indication. But it’s a mystery to Junmyeon if, or when, Jongdae will ever make a move. You aren’t the same kind of romantic as Yixing’s girlfriend, someone playful and open with your emotions. You’re driven and witty and warm in your own way. Clearly you care for Jongdae, but in a quieter sense.
Junmyeon imagines this will be a marathon of love, not a sprint.
Eventually lunch hours end for all of you. There’s clients to see and paperwork to do and as he waves to you and Jane he wonders what will become of you and Jongdae. If you’ll stay as co-workers, always flirting and secretly wondering what might be. Or if either of you will push the other into action. The chess board is laid out, pieces waiting to be moved. It might just be his imagination, but Junmyeon hopes that one of you gets the game going.
He does also, perhaps, focus on you and Jongdae as a way to ignore how his own heart beats a bit faster around Jane. How he can’t stop staring at her dimple when she smiles or the head tilt she gives him when she’s really listening. Like he’s the only person in the world. No, he absolutely doesn’t think about Jane’s feet i n his lap as they both read on the couch in his living room. He doesn’t wonder what it would be like to kiss her or hold her hand. Absolutely not.
Instead he invites Jongdae to the monthly Settlers of Catan night he has with Minseok and some other folks from the mall. Much safer territory than wondering about his own love story and if still waters truly do run deep where he and Jane are concerned.
August 11th, 1997
On a surprisingly rainy yet unsurprisingly dead Monday morning Jongdae forces you away from your insistent attempts to organize his paperwork to the market a few streets over. The quiet bakery on the hill above Pike Place has a view of the misty Sound beyond. He sits close beside you, carefully keeping his knees away, lest he bump yours and you do the same, perhaps letting them linger a moment each time they collide.
It’s nice here, you notice suddenly, as you take the first sip of your coffee. The smell of dark roast and fresh almond scones. The breeze coming in through the open door. The soothing, distant sound of jazz from the overhead speaker. The pleasant warm lighting, far different than the aggressively bland fluorescent kind he chose for Chen's. Everything puts you at ease, wraps around you the way you wish Jongdae’s arms would.
'This place reminds me of Amsterdam.' You smile, looking down into your cappuccino to avoid Jongdae’s eyes.
‘Have you ever been?’ he asks, voice softer than it normally is.
With a shake of your head you trace the edge of the teal and white ceramic cup in front of you. ‘No, but I’ve seen pictures. I used to love photo books growing up. Atlases and travel guides. It’s always been my favorite section of the library.’
He hums for a moment, considering. 'If you could go anywhere in the world, is that where you'd choose?'
Tucking your hair behind your ears you bite your lip to avoid grinning at him. He’s making you remember long-forgotten parts of yourself. Before school and work became the end point, the be-all end-all that your life was funnelled towards. Back when you imagined exploring every country on the planet. Taking photos and making memories. A long time ago, in the days before you realized how expensive it is to actually be a wanderlust-filled adventurer.
Finally you look at him. Something in his irises makes you swallow; an endless, nameless emotion that lives in him you can never seem to place. Elusive and frustrating and tempting all at once.
‘Yes,’ you admit. Voice dry and heart racing you look back to your coffee in avoidance. ‘It’s my dream to travel there. I’m a bit obsessed with it, really.’
'You? Obsessed?' Jongdae smirks, a boyish grin you want to cover with your own mouth.
You roll your eyes, tracing the handle of your mug. 'Hush. It's such a beautiful city with all the canals and the architecture and history, and the food is to die for. Every quaint European city fantasy in one. What about you, have you done much traveling?'
He shakes his head. ‘Not personally. But - my grandfather went everywhere in Europe, after the war.’ His admission is so quiet you almost miss it. But it’s as if your soul is waiting for every crack in the door to Jongdae you can find, and you don’t pass up the opportunity. ‘What was he like?’
It happens sometimes, when you’re working together. The times there’s no customers around and the mall gets empty and you can’t help but be aware of him. Against your skin and with your hands, eyes feasting on him when the rest of you is forbidden from doing so. In the moments when he isn’t putting on airs of being the tech mogul or the reclusive jerk or the awkward, secretly friendly nerd around Jun or Minseok.
Those times when Jongdae meets your eyes and you see the real him, beneath it all. Wanting and alone and scared. Your breath catches in your throat just as it does now and you long to ask him plainly if he feels the way you do. Being honest with your words and not just your jokes or looks out the corner of your eyes when you catch him watching you too.
But those feel too fragile, too dangerous to utter. So instead you ask him about his family, someone close enough to Jo ngdae’s heart to glimpse the core of him; like a sun during an eclipse you can only look for a moment, lest you get burned.
'My grandfather?’ Brows furrow, the corners of his cat-like lips tilting down for a moment. You nod gently, cupping your drink for something to occupy your hands.
Jongdae looks out at the water for a moment, his mouth tugging to the side as he ponders. ‘You know when you finally solve a puzzle you’ve been working on for ages? Hours of struggling to find the right combination and finally it’s all laid out, perfectly in alignment.’
You nod, trying not to smile and ruin the moment, but softened by him nonetheless. ‘Yeah, I know what you mean.’
When his gaze lands on your hands he pauses, like he’s wondering if the two of you might fit in a similar way. But it’s gone before you can grasp onto the moment. Sadness colors his features then. Not the aching kind that gnaws away like a feral monster, leaving nothing in its wake, but the beautiful, bittersweet sadness of a love greater than grief.
His voice is thick when he next speaks. ‘My grandfather was that person for me. We just - fit. He understood me better than my parents did. More than any of my classmates or the few people I’ve ever gone out with. We didn’t even need to speak.’ Jongdae pauses and taps his fingers on the counter.
You give in and reach for his hand, not to hold it - not yet. But to cover it with your own for a moment of understanding, of comfort.
He smiles at you, the crease between his brows disappearing for a moment. ‘He was fifty one years older than me and he was my best friend.’
‘I’ll bet you miss him quite a lot?’ You realize how incredibly inadequate the sentiment is and shake your head, moving to withdraw your hand. ‘Sorry - that’s - of course you miss him.’
But Jongdae doesn’t let you retreat. With his free hand he holds yours in place. Warmth floods your body from the connection point and you’re unable to take your eyes off him. ‘It’s alright, I know what you mean.’ He traces your thumb with a barely there motion, seemingly without intending to. ‘Thank you.’
‘For what?’ You ask, a bit breathless and unable to mind.
‘For always asking. For always listening.’ He says it simply, as though it’s a novel concept. Perhaps, given what you know of his life, who he is, not many people dare to ask. Or bother to listen.
Soon paperwork and customers and regular life draw you back to Chen’s Electronics. He doesn’t mention the way you reached for him and you don’t either. But when you go to leave that afternoon Jongdae holds out your jean jacket for you to slip on. And when you thank him he gives you the soft, secret grin you’ve learned he saves only for you.
On the way home you think that Amsterdam might be the most beautiful city you can imagine, but that it pales in comparison to a hole-in-the-wall cafe in Seattle, as long as Jongdae is seated beside you.
September 9th, 1997
The summer turns into fall and one Monday evening, seemingly without his noticing, Jongdae realizes that his appointment book is full to bursting.
On Tuesday night he's playing Settlers of Catan with Minseok, Bookworm, Kyungsoo, and Junmyeon. They meet up in the food court after the mall closes at nine, second Tuesday of every month.
Wednesday he has lunch with Jun and some other business owners in the mall for their monthly networking/commiserating 'sesh' as Yixing calls it. That afternoon he's promised to help Minseok install the new upgrades to his store's database software that 'make him want to rip out his hair' in exchange for a few coveted LPs Jongdae's had his eyes on for a 70’s/grunge remix set at Shari's.
Thursday night there’s a L.A. Confidential screening at the theater that Baekhyun talked him into, after their argument about whether or not Russel Crowe could actually act or if he was just handsome.
Saturdays are pizza and raucous laughter to break up the busy weekends full of work and clients and deadlines, followed by long nights of DJ-ing and circling you as if you are a sun, drawing him in with the pull of your gravity. He’s merely a comet attracted by the force you give off and he’s not even upset at the realization.
Sehun, Jongin, and Yixing practically bribed him into joining their 'Sunday morning brunch and biceps' workout group, saying that they need a fourth and everyone else is normally sleeping off their hangovers or works the opening shift.
It’s other people’s names all over his schedule, but what he feels is you. Everywhere, all over him. He knows it’s you. Not intentionally, perhaps. But you opened a door for him with your ease and generosity. One Saturday pizza lunch and somehow he’s gotten to know more people in two months at the mall than he had in the years before combined.
You’d wave him off if he mentioned it or thanked you. With that adorable tilt of your head you would smirk and tell him that all he has to do is give people a chance. That they don’t bite.
Irrationally he wants to do things for you - not just as a friend but in the romantic sense - like buy you flowers or have you by his side at Thursday movie screenings or take you to Amsterdam, just to watch you bloom among the flowers. But that would be… crazy, right? He sits in his favorite armchair unable to focus on the book in front of him and runs agitated hands through his hair.
He’s not your boyfriend or your partner. He’s your boss or your co-worker and possibly your friend. Why does he think of holding your hand and walking along the canals of some foreign city every time you look in his direction?
Why does the once-comforting quiet of his apartment feel more and more empty when you’re not laying on the couch across from him, reading and teasing him? Why does he wake up and wish that someone besides himself filled his bed? Someone with your expressions and your joy and your stubborn insistence.
He briefly makes a mental note to ask Yixing how he ended up dating Lavender before suddenly tossing the book to the floor, standing with a groan.
‘What a ridiculous idea!’ he yells aloud to the empty apartment. Jongdae paces circles in the carpet of his living room and wonders if part of being in love is going slightly insane, if everyone who manages to do so finds the madness enjoyable or if love is simply folie à deux?
He looks at his calendar, spread open on his grandfather’s old, wooden desk and tries to comprehend how his life could be so different one year to the next. Like he’s grasping at straws or wisps of air. Aside from work and his grandfather and music, what did he have before? The occasional alumni event or guest lecture at his alma maters?
For a minute his chest feels too full to breathe, unable to let in anything more. Panic tugs at him for a second. It’s too much, all at once - too many people and too many events. Too many opportunities to mess up and these people? He can’t sever his life completely like he did from Julian and his friends. They're so connected to this space he's made his business in. What will happen when he inevitably falls out of favor with them?
He imagines himself shunned and the idea hurts worse than before. Back then he had chosen isolation; to have it thrust unwillingly upon him, unasked, is too much to comprehend.
Once he walked naively into friendship, believing it was easy and that it would last. That there was no rug that would be unceremoniously swept out from under him. But people change, faster than he can believe.
Jongdae sits on the floor, his pajama pants brushing his crossed legs, and forces himself to steady his breathing. These people are not his old friends at Microsoft, he reminds himself. Nor are they the kids in school who teased him, or his classmates in college who resented him or treated him like an annoyance.
Like he’s always practiced, he turns to facts to calm his mind. He’s safe - the apartment is his and he has plenty of money. Not just from his business but from his grandfather’s life insurance. If he wanted to leave - if he was forced to, he thinks he could do it. But something within him howls at the idea of leaving what he has now.
For the first time in ages he has ideas, plans, and dreams for what to do with his life. Now he has people he cares about, people who he trusts to be kind rather than fearing they’ll betray or leave him. You’re at the center of it, if you let him. Determination takes hold of him and doesn’t let go. After a few moments his panic subsides, washed away by the bright promise of a future he’s never dared to imagine before now. Before you.
September 13th, 1997
By the end of your second drink you contemplate being the one to risk it all and ask Jongdae out.
In the months you’ve worked together you stopped seeing him as a challenge and started viewing him instead as the push to your pull. The yang to your yin. The - you sip on your rum and coke and get lost in the tug of his brows and the set of his lips as he spins rather than finding another apt metaphor.
The first time you met him you knew there was something underneath his hard exterior, but you had no idea how correct you’d be proven. Somehow he walks the tightrope between being harsh and being softer than you thought possible. But rather than turn you off you find you’re drawn to his bewildering mix of wry humor, nerdy fixations, and raw emotion. It unlocks all the jagged parts of you that you try to keep so nicely pressed together.
For someone who has been deemed too much to handle finding a man who seems to do it with ease is staggering. He loves your bossy, charismatic nature and your ideas about new things to try at the store. He listens intently when you rattle off obscure facts about your favorite books and movies. He sees your dreams of traveling, of being part of community here, as a complement, not a detriment to your professional career.
A voice startles you. “So when are you going to jump his bones?” Baekhyun is the kind of puppy dog, glowing cheeks, wide-eyed endearing drunk you wish you could hate.
He waggles his brows at you and you snort, shoving him away with your shoulder. “I have zero idea what you’re talking about.”
You weave your way around the perimeter of the dance floor, trying and failing to not fixate on Jongdae with every step.
“Come on. Admit it. You’ve got a thing for the DJ.” His mouth tugs into a smug grin and you groan. “And word on the street is he wants you too.”
“He’s my boss.” The last of your drink burns your throat and you belly up to the bar to order another. “Get real.”
Always a hoe for gossip, Baekhyun leans one elbow against the bar and drops his chin into his hand to watch you. Rather than speak and risk your wrath again he merely looks between you and Jongdae, waiting.
You pride yourself on not giving into temptation for all of ten seconds and then blurt out - “What are you doing?”
Baekhyun presses his lips together to suppress a grin. He raises a finger and holds it up. “You’ll see.”
The bartender is tied up with a group at the far end so you sigh and turn, resting your back against the bar top. With folded arms you observe the club. “We’re about to be abducted by aliens? Jongin’s going to breakdance? Minseok and Bookworm are -”
He clicks his tongue. “So impatient. You two really are a match made in heaven.”
“Me and Jongdae?” If you weren’t already buzzed you’d deny it more. But the permission to speak openly about your feelings for the DJ is too tempting. “You think so?”
Before he can tease you again a motion up ahead catches your focus. Jongdae looks up without tilting his head. His eyes cut to the left, to the two overflowing booths that are filled with the usual crew from the Exodus Mall. With amusement you follow his eye line as he scans the dance floor, looking for something. He never breaks the movement of his hands, spinning the vinyl and working the controls.
Finally his focus lands on you and Baekhyun at the bar. Jongdae’s eyes widen and that unreadable expression settles on his features, no emotion escaping. Your heart picks up, cheeks heating with awareness. There’s nothing to do but hold his gaze for long seconds while the club pulses with life around you. Isolated and together, even across the room.
And then Baekhyun ruins it.
With a comically large wave he smiles at Jongdae. The motion breaks Jongdae’s focus and he rolls his eyes, shaking his head at his friend’s ridiculousness. A smile tugs at his lips and he gives you a look of commiseration and you laugh, reaching over to ruffle Baekhyun’s blonde hair.
The song changes and Jongdae finally looks away. A second later the bartender appears, asking you for your next order. Baekhyun waits patiently beside you, arms folded against the bar, his smugness a tangible thing in the air between you two.
You bite your lip and look at yourself in the mirror behind the bar, visible between the clear shelves of liqueurs and syrups. Could he feel the same way? Does Jongdae imagine holding you, kissing you, being with you the same way you do with him in your unguarded moments?
The two of you already do so much together - work five days a week. Meals alone or with friends. Nights here, separate but still united in the bubble of the dance club. It strikes you just how thin the line is between friends and coworkers and … something more. A four-letter sinful word that starts with L and implies dangerous things like hands touching hands followed by lips and skin and teeth. A different four-letter word full of softness and commitment that has no place being in your mind at the same time as Jongdae’s name.
A hand rests gently on your shoulder. “I told you,” Baek says sincerely. He disappears after waggling his damned eyebrows one more time and leaves you at the bar, wondering.
Half of you wants to confess to him out of genuine affection and desire for connection; you can’t escape the way he makes you long to be reckless and daring and bold and romantic in the kind of grand gesture sense that you’d have rolled your eyes at before you met him. The delicate balance makes your palms sweat and your glass shake slightly as you raise it to your lips. From nerves or excitement or a mix of the two.
You could make the first move, but the logical half of your mind wins out. Instead you swallow your drink in three gulps and head over to the DJ booth to talk to him and nothing more. Close enough to be comforted by his nearness but keeping your desire closeted behind your fear. Tonight that’s all you can manage.
Passing by Yixing and Lavender dancing is a reminder of all the good love can bring. Yixing’s hands holding her close, her arms folded around his neck and their foreheads together. Intimate words are shared that aren’t meant for your ears, even if you could hear them over the sound of the music.
But just beyond is Baekhyun and Hitch. She laughs and dances out of his way as he tries to tickle her. They’re obviously in love to anyone who watches, so why haven’t they admitted it and had a go at being together? Maybe it’s for the best, you wonder. If trying and failing and ruining what you have it worse than never trying at all.
Before you can wander too far down the road of doubt and consequences you remember how it felt to have Jongdae’s hand on top of yours. The thought of tomorrow and the days after disappear altogether when you feel Jongdae’s eyes on you once more, drawing you closer to him, whether he knows his effect on you or not. When you reach the booth you decide to stop thinking in general, and let yourself feel instead.
Saturday night and he's in his element. In the booth, far away from the rest of the crowd but still a part of it. Adrenaline in his veins. Music is Jongdae’s therapy. An alter ego much like the comic book characters he read about growing up. It's the skin he can put on when he's tired of being himself. A place where he can set down the baggage of his identity for a night and get lost in the beats.
He closes his eyes, savoring the pattern of the vinyl beneath his fingertips.
Suddenly, he feels you. Of course you're here. He's never free from you, he thinks with a rueful smile. First you invaded this place, his escape and his temple. Then you wormed your way into his business as though you always belonged there. Now you're occupying his senses the way you occupy his thoughts at all hours.
For a beat he admires you, standing at the bar rolling your eyes while Baekhyun waves dramatically. He drinks you in with a last look at your fabulous legs before reluctantly turning back to switching out one album for the next. Lately you’ve taken to joining him for a bit while he spins and he hopes that once again you’ll come up to the booth tonight.
He's not a patient man, or a subtle one. If he wanted to be rid of you, you'd be gone. Severed with the kind of brutal finality he showed to anyone from his time after M.I.T. There are no second chances as far as he's concerned. But still, you remain. Infuriating, exhilarating. Never far from his consciousness.
'You look like you're having a good time!'
Sooner than expected your voice breaks his trance and he lifts his eyes to look at you. His heart thumps painfully in his chest and he swallows harshly. He doesn't know how you do it - how you effortlessly change to match your surroundings.
One minute you're his office manager, polite and respectful and skilled. Already he sees the business taking shape, becoming more cohesive and smooth beneath your talented mind and heart. And your feisty insistence that he upgrade and finesse his marketing and finally finish putting together a website for Chen’s.
The next minute you're leaning over the edge of the booth, chest coming forward and revealing your neckline. The red is fitting on you. It brings out the natural flush in your cheeks and makes you look perpetually alive. He feels stagnant by comparison, a man of stone who remains unchanging while the world passes him by.
The tumble of hair across your shoulders and the delight in your eyes are so beautiful he wants to reach for you. To reach for more, be more than who he has been - afraid and alone. Bitterness lives in his heart, swatting away anyone who gets too close. But here you are, knocking once more on the door of his being.
He finds his voice, his hands thankfully moving on muscle memory as he drops in the next remix. 'It's good energy tonight,' he fumbles. 'I love this song.' You nod in agreement.
It’s easy, being with you. Together you talk about work and the music he plays and your group of friends. Chanyeol and Bijoux, who finally got together again after what seems like months of back and forth. Bets on how long Minseok will wait before he proposes to Bookworm, now that they’re an official item. Joking about Baekhyun and Hitch like always.
He shows off for you, just a little. Spins 'Scream' by Michael and Janet jackson with a bit more pizazz than usual. It strikes him as amusing how much he always hated being watched before this. Not that many people pay particular attention to him as a DJ, but he thinks he might like the way it feels to be watched by you.
He wants to watch you, too, for as long as you let him. He already can’t take his eyes off you. No matter how much that idea might terrify him. When he drops the next mix and the crowd cheers at ‘Tubthumping’ he gives you a rare broad smile and it's like being punched in the chest when you return it with an unexpectedly shy one of your own.
Jongdae almost invites you into the booth. He sees it as though it were one of the romantic comedies that are so popular right now. You would take your place in front of him. He'd get to rest his hand on top of yours, guiding your movements. Maybe as you got the hang of it he would slide them to hold your hips, keeping your back to his chest as his mouth finds your neck.
Liz invites you to dance and Jongdae wipes the probably awed look off his face with effort. He needs some cold water, immediately.
Friday September 19th
Jongdae is upset about something. It’s not so much that you now seem to be able to pick up his moods with ease, which is true, but the fact that he is nearly tearing his hair out. A piece of paper sits in front of him on the desk but it’s too far away for you to read.
By the time he groans for the fifth time you finally speak up. ‘Are you alright?’
His head jerks up and his eyes are tired when they meet yours. Not ‘it’s been a long week’ tired, but something sad in his expression that makes him look fragile and younger than his years.
For a moment he shakes his head. Then he picks up the paper and waves it in the air, opening and closing his mouth in rapid succession. The confusion on his normally self-assured face would be comical if it wasn’t such an obviously distressing situation. Finally he drops the paper and leans back in his chair, rubbing a hand along his jaw.
‘I just got word that they’re demolishing the apartment building I live in. I have to move by November 1st.’
Instantly you want to hug him or hold his hand. ‘Your grandfather’s apartment?’
Jongdae nods. ‘They’re tearing it down so they can put in some luxury condos. Yet another classic neighborhood about to be wiped out in the name of progress.’ He sighs, looking at the ceiling to compose himself. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be so-’
‘No, it’s -’ you start, unsure of your destination. ‘It’s an important place. And it’s your home. Don’t apologize for being pissed off about it.’
He nods, taken aback. ‘Exactly. It’s where I grew up. I’ve also never had to look for an apartment or move, either. So this will be dreadful.’
You bite the inside of your cheek. The offer to help practically leaps from your mouth and you hold it close for a moment, making sure you don’t rush into something that’s out of your depth. But as always your logic overrules your fear.
‘I could help, if you like?’ He’s just your boss slash co-worker. It’s innocent. It’s harmless, right? ‘I’ve moved so often with school and everything. I know my way around the city.’
In the ensuing pause Jongdae’s solemnity returns, his mouth and the lines of his face don’t give away any emotion. But, as always, he holds you in place with his expression. And his eyes have that fire within that he seems to only show to you. ‘That would be wonderful, thank you.’
You nod, case closed. Turning back to your computer you lie to yourself further, pretending not to notice how his voice lowered. As though he knew you weren’t just offering for help with his living situation. But something more raw and painful that he isn’t prepared to hold on his own just yet.
For how picky you thought you were about apartments, Jongdae has you beat by a mile. Student housing accustomed you to wonky flooring and cramped kitchens and the charming yet ancient windows on many older Seattle homes. But his grandfather’s gorgeous pre-war unit had made Jongdae’s tastes quite particular.
On Tuesdays and on weekends you pulled up listings and showed Jongdae around the city by way of it’s apartments, condos, and houses. He enjoyed the nature surrounding Greenlake, the affordable houses north of UW in Ravenna, and the vibe of Ballard and Fremont. But he ruled anything north of 520 out quickly as ‘too far from the store.’ The luxury of walking to work on nicer days was something he wasn’t willing to part with.
The same unfortunately ruled out a townhouse in Alki that you had salivated over, a block from the beach. Pioneer Square had some great lofts that would have been perfect for a music-lover like Jongdae, but he vetoed those as well. Along with all the trendy industrial lofts near the stadiums, claiming he hated all the construction going on nearby.
It should have been frustrating, to spend endless hours watching him nix perfectly wonderful places. In Queen Anne he hated the hills. Westlake he disliked the mall. Madrona, Leschi, Montlake, Magnolia, and Lake Union all came close but still he shook his head and said ‘thanks, but no thanks’ to landlord after landlord.
It should have driven you mad, but all it did was make you like him more.
Falling in love with Jongdae isn’t what you had planned. But from the first night you saw him at the club some part of you knew it was inevitable, the way the rain in autumn starts off as a light drizzle and before you know it becomes a torrential downpour, blanketing the city and saturating every exposed corner.
He always brought you coffee and insisted on buying breakfast or lunch. He always picked you up, right on time. Held doors and made sure he didn’t walk too fast and did the thing where his arm hovered over your back when the two of you were in crowded spaces. Not touching, but close enough you could feel him protecting you. On anyone else you would have absolutely hated that, but of course from him, you craved it.
Day after day you listened to music in his car as the two of you drove around little neighborhoods hoping to find something, complaining about how tight and ridiculous the parking situation always is. Joking about your friends or the news or the latest books you’re reading. They hardly felt like dates. No, they felt like something even more insidious. Like being in a relationship with him. Easy and warm and friendly and the kind of thing you could get used to.
But eventually it had to end, before it seemed like either of you were ready.
On a surprisingly warm Tuesday in October the two of you walk into a place that no one could object to. The building is in south Capitol Hill, close to Cal Anderson and only a fifteen or twenty minute walk from the mall. It’s designed in the classic Victorian style of the neighborhood, but was completed just three years ago. Small pane windows and a fireplace with a carved mantle and dark spires on the roof, all with brand new insulation and appliances.
Sunlight floods the corner unit on the top floor and you gasped as soon as the door opened. Jongdae stands beside you as the landlord goes over the details of the square footage and the building amenities, but neither of you are listening anymore.
‘What do you think?’ he asks softly. The five-story building sits on a slight hill and overlooks the rest of downtown, with a partial water view around the tall downtown skyscrapers.
‘I think it’s as close to perfect as you’re going to get.’
He moves closer and rests his palms on the window sill, looking around for a moment before turning his head to watch you. ‘Good.’
After a long pause Jongdae pushes off the windows and politely interrupts the landlord, who is currently opening every single cabinet in the kitchen and giving a detailed run down of his wife’s favorite tupperware, asking about the deposit. The way he phrased it along with the attentive way he waited for your approval makes you wonder if he wasn’t just picking this apartment for himself.
Imagining yourself there scares you. If he was seeking your opinion… surely he would be hoping you’d come over? Neither of you have spoken a word about the bizarre yet undeniable attraction you have, but that hardly forms the basis of a relationship. A boyfriend who wanted to be sure you liked his new place would be one thing, but your friend and co-worker who has never admitted to even liking you is quite another.
You lean against the edge of the window and run a finger along the ledge. A small part of you whispers that you’re supposed to be doing something else, eventually. You won’t work at Chen’s forever, but it wasn’t meant to be this hard to leave. It’s just a stop on the way to your final destination. So why do you want to get off the train altogether and make a home here?
Would it be so terrible, to be with him? It’s been a fantasy for so long that imagining real life with him makes you suck in a breath as though you’ve been punched in the gut. It could be a fresh start for you both. The end of one adventure and the beginning of a new one. You remind yourself that being in love doesn’t mean you can’t travel or change the world. Being with Jongdae would hopefully only encourage your dreams, not stifle them.
As they discuss deposit and applications and timelines for moving into the apartment you wander into the other rooms.
The bathroom has a large tub and dual sinks. You can only imagine what your expression must be like right now, given your swirling emotions, and avoid the mirror altogether. The second bedroom is more like a cozy office, narrow enough for a desk and a couch and perhaps some bookshelves. In the bedroom you hesitate at the doorway, reaching up to play with the pendant of your necklace.
Windows run along both sides, meeting in a corner. You think of plants lining the wide ledges and going to sleep with the setting westward sun and how short of a walk it would be to get breakfast from your favorite bagel shop that’s just a block away. It’s close to the mall and the club. It’s truly perfect.
As you watch cars pass and people walk by down below you space out, the image blurring and becoming Jongdae on a bed in this room, leaning back against the pillows with a book in his lap. Smiling at you and pulling you close since he knows you refuse to get up earlier than you have to on your days off.
Inexplicably you want to cry and you huff out a laugh, squeezing your eyes tightly only to find that they’re damp. It’s not anger that the vision inspires in you or even sadness. It’s frustration and amusement that war inside you as you think about how you fell in love with him without your consent. Rational thinking should have stopped this long ago, but all you can think as you stand there is how nice it is to be with him. And how you wouldn’t mind being with him for a long while.
The only thing that helps ease the tension in your chest is how he looks at you on the drive back to your place. You fill the time with discussions of moving trucks and hiring a company to help with the heavy lifting, but you’re both clearly distracted by other thoughts. He pulls his car up to your apartment and you try to avoid looking at him as you say goodbye, but he briefly rests his hand on your knee to get your attention.
Your hand stops in its motion to grab your bag and ends up nearly on top of his, but you make no movement to break the contact. ‘Thank you,’ he says softly. ‘I mean it.’ Jongdae turns his hand and holds yours, giving it a quick squeeze and looking like he never wants to let go.
October 12th, 1997
You’re eating cheesy bread at Barada with Hitch, but today she’s different - evasive and nervous in a strange way. 'So I - uhh. I have news,' she finally says. She sips her drink and looks at the table rather than at you. 'I don't know if I should tell you though.'
Pausing in your chewing you raise a brow. 'You can tell me anything, you know that.'
She awkwardly runs a hand along her neck. 'No I know. I just -' she huffs out a breath and blows her hair off her forehead..
'You and Baekhyun finally had sex and you're pregnant?' You smirk at her as she chokes on her soda. 'Come on, just spit it out.'
She waves and hand and very quickly says - 'There's a project manager position open in the gaming division. Some new big thing and they're looking for an upstart to head up operations.'
You frown and tear off another slide of bread, not understanding her odd behavior at all. 'Okay… and you're thinking what, thinking of applying?'
'No, you dork. I'm thinking you should apply.' She tilts her head like she assumed your reaction would be more immediate. 'You wanted me to keep an eye out for you, right? I didn't want to say anything since - '
'Since?' you ask, both afraid of what she'll say and dying to know. Terrified it will have to do with Jongdae and the swirling mess of feelings you have for him.
It’s her turn to be wry. 'Since you and Jongdae have been attached at the hip.'
'Really?' You stall, taking an enormous bite.
Hitch tosses a balled-up napkin at you. 'Yes. When I met you in college I thought 'there goes the most intense person I've ever met.’ And then I met Jongdae after he opened Chen’s and he gave you a run for your money.' She dusts off her hands. 'You both could be making millions someday. Taking over countries or saving the world or something. We all know it. I don't know, I didn’t want to mention this because together you guys seem happier. Softer? Something like that..'
'And you think me getting a job there would ruin that?' Her words mirror your fears exactly and your stomach drops.
'It's taken me years to get Jongdae to even look at me after I told him where I worked. He hates Microsoft. With good reason, from what you've implied. I'm sure you could make it work, but trust me when I say if you get swept up into that upper management spiral, we probably won't see you again.'
'I won't completely abandon you guys just because I get a new job.' But doubt whispers in your mind. The long hours and the endless meetings and the extra work to always be the best, to always be ahead. 'Okay fine, I see your point. I still have to try, right? I should at least apply.'
She rests her hand over yours where you have your napkin in a death grip on the table. 'You don't have to do anything, babe. We'll always be here for you even if you become a tech mogul overnight. But will it make you happy? Whatever comes next... do it for yourself, okay? Not just cause you think you should.'
You smile and hold her hand for a moment, wrinkling your nose. 'Thank you, Hitch. I needed that. What about you? You said you were going to apply for that transfer to the NYC office, are you still considering it?'
She blows out a deep breath and pulls her hand back, dropping her forehead to it for a moment. 'God, I don't know. My whole life is here. And I'd have to leave the theater.' She rests her chin on her palm and looks up at you with a dramatic frown. 'My friends are all here. My family. I love where I'm at, but I know that something eventually has to change.'
'Baekhyun?' You grin at her, wondering if the move might finally force them to admit their feelings.
Hitch straightens and looks across the food court to the movie theater. 'Yeah, something like that.' She gives you a dramatic waggle of her brow. 'Jongdae?'
You groan and fold your arms, sinking lower into your seat. Even your roommates ask about him now. Everyone can surely see how you light up around him. The way you gravitate towards the DJ booth on club nights like a moth to a flame. The way you draw him into conversations and brag about him. It should be forbidden territory, as untouchable and unreadable as he is. Not to mention he's your boss.
But worst of all he still hasn't said anything about it, nothing more than the occasional flirtatious comment or lingering look. Even after all your time together and the way he looked at you in the new apartment. For all you know he sees you as a very stubborn employee who happens to force your way into things.
You cover your face with your hands and sigh. 'Something like that.'
Hitchcock stands and takes your shared tray of dishes to the bus station with a throaty laugh. 'That's what I thought.'
November 1st, 1997
Jongdae is frantically packing up more of his bookshelf when the doorbell rings. He smiles on instinct. It's not something he can help anymore, not when he knows it's you on the other side. Right at nine in the morning, just when you promised the movers would be here. With a last look around his living room at the organized chaos he wipes his hands on his sweatpants and stands.
It surprised him how quickly you agreed to help with - well, everything, really.
When he told you about his move he didn’t expect anything would come of it. It's his problem, not yours. He didn't imagine for a moment you'd give the announcement more attention than a sympathetic word or two. But you stepped to his side. Put up with his grouchy persistence in believing that there's no place in the world, let alone in Seattle, that would be as amazing as this apartment. As it always seems with you, he found himself proven wrong.
You didn't let him wallow and guided him with your decisiveness through the checklist of everything he'd need to do. A few months ago he would have waved you off. Decided you were being bossy or nosy and turned down the help with a cold shoulder.
But now he wants you around for everything and the thought makes him pause with his hand on the doorknob.
He made sure you like his new apartment too because - when he isn't expecting it he imagines you there. Not just as his co-worker or employee or even as his friend. As someone more permanent. Lasting. It's not that he needs you to run his life for him, he's perfectly capable of doing things on his own. It's just that he loves how you barge your way into his world and refuse to let him be alone.
Jongdae doesn't know how yet, but he wants to show you how he feels in return. It's like trying to run with a blindfold on, but he desperately hopes that he can figure out how to care about you in the way you deserve. Bringing you coffee and asking about your day and giving you all the freedom you want at work are a start, but they barely scratch the surface of how much he feels for you.
He's got one idea. A big one. An insane one, that you'll probably call him nuts for suggesting. If he ever gets up the nerve someday.
The buzzer sounds again and he shakes himself out of it. Finally he pulls it open and is greeted by your smiling face in the morning gray light. Hair pulled back in a ponytail and dressed in a long black shirt and faded overalls. He leans against the doorframe, wondering if he's ever seen anything more beautiful than you on his doorstep.
'So, I have a surprise,' you start. With a free hand you nervously brush your hair behind your ear. It's so unlike you that he immediately wonders if something is wrong.
'What is it?'
Before you can answer, noise in the parking lot draws his focus. His front door faces the open-air walkway that leads to the stairs down to the parking lot. He expected a moving truck and several buff men in logoed shirts. Instead it's a scrappy group of your friends - his friends now, he supposes - looking tired but ready to help.
Junmyeon and Jane drink coffee and pull furniture dollys and heavy blankets out of a Uhaul truck. Liz and Jongin are leaning against the cab of Sehun's car and laugh at him as he and Yixing sleep peacefully in the backseat. Chanyeol and his girlfriend are paused on the landing below making out, a tape gun in each of their hands. Another car catches a break in the flow of traffic and pulls into one of the guest spaces. Minseok and Bookworm step out and yawn, tying sweatshirts around their waists.
Jongdae repeats his question. Or at least he tries to, but emotion catches his throat and all he can do is stare at you with a mix of surprise and what he's sure is a very naked expression of affection.
'How did you do this?' he asks when he can finally breathe again.
You tilt your head and grin at him, pride making you radiant even in the dull mist of the morning. 'Is this okay?' For a moment you look worried, tucking your hands in the pockets of your overalls and taking a step back.
'I know I said I'd hire the movers, but I thought this might be better? I didn't think everyone would be here, especially after the Halloween party last night. Soo and Sunshine are working, but I think - wait,' you turn and yell down to the group in the lot. 'Has anyone heard from Baek and Hitch?'
Chanyeol reluctantly pulls away from his girlfriend and replies. 'Yeah, he messaged me at the ass-crack of dawn. He said he and Hitch are fine, but they won't be able to make it until later.'
With a curious look you thank Chanyeol and turn back to Jongdae. 'Okay, so almost everyone came.'
'It's because you're incredible,' he agrees, heart warm and in awe of you. Stepping back, he shoves the door stop in with his foot to prop it open and gestures for you to come in.
He doesn't get two steps before your hand finds his bicep, stopping him. 'No, I'm just absolutely amazing at organizing things,' you laugh. ‘But they didn't just come for me Jongdae, they came because they're your friends. They wanted to help.'
The intensity in your voice makes him pause. Like you're trying to say far more than your words. He gets lost for a moment in your beautiful eyes and swallows harshly. His past, the negative parts, haven't come up much - his failed first business, the trail of broken friendships he's left behind him, the ensuing guard he's had up since - but you've paid far more attention than he realized.
He doesn't miss the meaning behind your words, or the look in your eyes; what you're asking of him. To trust you, to trust them. To release his death grip on the walls he keeps up to protect himself. But no matter how determined you are he knows he has to be the one to dismantle them. His heart is nervous and he instead focuses on your hand on his arm.
For a beat he wants to kiss you, then and there with almost all of his and your friends just outside. Instead he lets his actions speak when his mouth isn't able to and pulls you into a hug. You freeze for a moment, stiff with surprise. But after a moment it melts away and you hold him back, wrapping your arms around his waist. His head spins when you rest your forehead against his shoulder, unable to process the fact that you’re in his arms in reality, not just his dreams.
'You're the most amazing person,' he murmurs against your hair.
The sound of loud voices and thumping of boots on stairs make him pull back. You give him another smile, warmer and softer this time. Something that's private for him only. 'I know.'
He barks out a laugh as Sehun and Jongin come in through the doorway. 'Let's do this!' Sehun calls, clapping his hands together.
'We promise we won't steal anything,' Jongin jokes, looking around Jongdae's place with obvious fascination.
Bijoux organizes the packing party while Chanyeol grabs Jongdae's keys so he and Sehun can take the first load of boxes over to the new place while Junmyeon, Jongin, and Jongdae load up the bigger furniture pieces into the Uhaul. Jongdae lets out a rusty laugh as Junmyeon dubs them ‘the J squad.’ You work around them, collecting all the random trinkets and knicknacks that have escaped other boxes.
He closed Chen’s today to hopefully knock this entire project out in one swoop. Ripping it off like a Bandaid. After the first big load everyone splits up into teams. Sehun and Yixing pack and load the rest of the boxes and smaller items into the cars. Jongin, who is absolutely not trusted around breakable items, goes with Junmyeon to return the Uhaul to the rental shop and pick up lunch and drinks for everyone with the cash Jongdae insisted they take.
And Minseok leads everyone else on a cleaning checklist he’s created with military precision. It's been so long Jongdae doesn't even know if he has a damage deposit. His grandfather took excellent care of the place and he kept it up in his absence, so he hopes it's not too much work to tidy.
Yixing’s boombox keeps up a steady flow of music throughout the morning and lunch time. With everyone’s help, and of course with the added fuel from the pizza and beverages, things are just wrapping up at the old place. You stay behind with Jongdae to take a last look around and turn in the keys, forcing him to take a few photos in the space to remember it.
‘This is it, I guess,’ he says, holding out the key and laying it on the kitchen counter with a small metallic sound.
‘How do you feel?’ You lean your hip against the fridge and drink from a water bottle.
Sunset over Lake Union is his favorite time of day and it’s hard to stand the thought of missing out on a last one. It’s barely two in the afternoon and it’s hours until golden hour. Rather than lie he simply says the truth. ‘I wish I could see the sun go down one last time.’
You come and stand next to him, close enough he can smell the light scent of your perfume and see the flush of your chest from the day’s exertion. ‘We can wait.’
He thinks of everyone at his new place, unloading boxes. ‘But everyone-’
‘Jongdae,’ you start. ‘They’ll be fine. You know Sehun has probably fallen asleep on your couch already. Baek and Hitch and the openers from Barada will be heading over soon. Some people have to head out for closing shifts but it’s already been decided that we’re doing movie night and Chinese take out tonight at your new place.’
‘Oh really?’ He presses his lips together to try not to laugh.
‘I don’t think you have much of a choice,’ you tease. ‘Trust me, they’ll be fine for another few hours.’
‘Alright then,’ he says after a pause.
The two of you sit on the bare hardwood floors and talk until the sun finally sets, just before five pm. He doesn’t yell his feelings for you at full volume like he wishes he could. He doesn’t dance with you or kiss you slowly in the empty apartment, there’s far too many emotions in his heart today to try and cope with more. But after he locks up and leaves the keys behind he does take your hand to help you into the car. And he does hold it for far longer than necessary before pulling back to shut the door.
It’s not much, but like his new apartment it’s the start of something.
November 3rd, 1997
You’ve got to tell Jongdae now, but nerves eat away at you and your resolve lessens minute by minute. Since the move he’s been warmer, more open, and you don’t want to ruin that. But you can’t keep this from him any longer.
Applying at Microsoft was supposed to be a long shot, a shot in the dark, or some other kind of shot that never meant to lead anywhere. But still it’s one you took and one that ended up paying off way faster and more successfully than you’d planned. After two interviews last week you sit with a job offer on your answering machine back home and a choice to make.
They need your decision by tomorrow and as Monday winds into early afternoon your deadline approaches. You bite your lip and vacillate wildly between thoughts. On the one hand this could be a good thing - if you’re no longer working at the same place, there’s nothing stopping the two of you from being together, right?
But what if Jongdae can’t see past his hurt and freaks out, assuming you’re leaving him like everyone else has? Or worse, what if he never cared about you that way at all?
Your stomach drops at the thought of walking out of here into your dream job, but feeling empty, leaving behind someone who has come to mean so much to you.
Your roommates Liz and Jane, Hitch, hell even Baekhyun weaseled the truth out of you at Shari’s on Saturday. Stone cold sober and still you let out everything to him sitting in your group’s favorite booth. About how you might in fact love Jongdae and how badly you want this opportunity, how utterly terrifying and exhilarating change can be simultaneously.
None of them told you to choose one way or the other. They didn’t say ‘take the job’ or ‘turn down the job,’ they all said that the decision is one only you can make and that they’d support you no matter what you picked. And maybe each time you cried a little and all of them were good enough friends to just hug you and not mention it.
But all of them told you one thing that now sits lodged in your throat. Whatever else happens, you both deserve to know. Jongdae deserves the truth about what you’re considering, and you deserve to finally know once and for all how he feels about you and what he wants.
After he locks the doors and starts cleaning up, you rise, holding your hands behind your back so tightly your knuckles are most assuredly white. ‘Hey, can we talk for a minute?’
Jongdae nods. ‘Of course. I’ve got something I wanted to discuss with you as well, actually. But you go first.’ He folds his arms and leans against his desk, giving you that affectionate close-lipped smile of his. You desperately hope what you’re about to say doesn’t wipe it off his face.
Not one to beat around the bush you dive in. ‘I applied for another job.’ The words sound blunt and harsh. You swallow and try again, hating how his brow furrows in confusion. ‘Not because I don’t like it here. But Hitch told me about an opening and it sounded - sounds perfect for what I want to do in the long run. It’s on the new gaming system division… at Microsoft.’
He doesn’t say anything for a long pause. Instead of meeting your eyes his have dropped to the ground and you wish you could reach out and touch him. Anything to make sure he hears you, understands you. But a whisper of fear makes you keep quiet, worrying the connection you had wasn’t meant to last, if something so trivial could break it.
‘I thought you were happy here,’ he says finally.
You hold your hands out in front of you, palms up in a gesture of entreaty. ‘I do, Jongdae. It’s not that at all. I thought this might - be good for us. If we’re not working together, then -’
When he finally looks up his gaze is distant, his mouth a thin line. The shutters have fallen over his face. ‘By going to work at the one place I despise?’
Anger makes your skin hot and you fold your arms as well, in defiance. ‘But you talk to Hitch and Baekhyun? They haven’t turned into the devil incarnate yet.’
He gives a quick, harsh shrug. ‘I like them both, sure. But being friends is one thing. This is quite another.’
It’s almost a declaration, yet so far from how you dreamed this moment might go. ‘What are you saying, Jongdae?’ You need to hear it. After so many weeks of trying you need him to at least do you the courtesy of speaking it out loud.
‘You know how I feel about you.’ There’s hope in his eyes. But it’s so buried amongst hurt and suspicion it’s not even close to reassuring. ‘I want you to stay. Here.’ With me, he doesn’t say, but you feel it.
Nothing drives you more up the wall than being told what to do. His words fall against your own shield and the plea within goes unnoticed. ‘Would you really shut me off if I took this job? Does hating them mean more than wanting what’s best for me?’ You finally step forward, reaching a hand for his arm.
‘I’ve supported you in everything,’ you start, unable to stop now that you’ve started. ‘In finding community here. In your move. Even in the business, who was the one who pushed you to keep growing? I don’t intend to stop being there for you, but I need you to support me in this. Please.’
He just watches you, not saying a word. The clock on the wall ticks loudly in the silence. People outside the glass doors go about their day, shopping or getting an early dinner, unaware of the standoff taking place merely feet from them. You wonder what it would take to make his guard truly ever come down.
With how quickly it snapped back into place you feel tired all the way down to your bones. Maybe it will never be enough, even if you did stay here forever.
‘I’ll pay out your PTO in these next two weeks,’ he says softly. ‘No need to come back into the office. If that works for you?’ His last statement is thrown on as a hasty addendum. Like he’d realized how harsh it sounded and he wanted to dull the sting. It’s a sliver of kindness, a glimpse at the man he almost allowed himself to be. But it’s not enough.
‘Fine with me.’ You move past him, into the supply room to grab your purse and jacket, proud of the way your voice doesn’t waver. Pausing in the hallway you turn to look back at him, still frozen against his desk. ‘I’m leaving this job, I’m not leaving you.’
He turns to look at you, running a hand through his hair and messing up the ends. ‘It will go the same way, I know it. In the end you’ll disappear too.’
‘Jongdae, I’m trying. I need you to at least meet me halfway.’
You don’t wait for his reply, if one was ever even going to come. Instead you continue down the small hallway and push out the back door into the mall. It’s only once you’re in your car that you remember he mentioned something he wanted to discuss. You wonder what it was, and if you’ll ever find out.
Jongdae stares after you for long seconds after you’re gone. He doesn’t hold out hope that you’ll come back, not after the way he treated you. Instead he feels stuck in place, like if he holds his breath and doesn’t exhale then the last five minutes didn’t happen.
But his lungs burn and his chest aches, and when he finally sighs it comes out ragged. He fumbles for the switch and the store descends into darkness. Shafts of light still come through, angled in from the glass ceiling of the mall’s concourse. Jongdae stands just outside of it, protected. With no one to see he sinks into his desk chair and drops his head into his hands.
The tears that clog his throat are at first unexpected, but as the minutes drag on he finally gives into them. He should have known they were coming all along. Not just from the moment you walked into his life, but from the day his grandfather died. From the day his father passed and his mother became a ghost rather than a permanent, tangible figure.
From the day Julian took Jongdae’s designs and credited them as his own to the investors, cutting Jongdae out of not only the business they were building, but out of their group of friends as well.
Misery and hopelessness whisper against his skin and for long minutes he lets himself wallow. He knows it’s no one’s fault but his own that he ruined things with you. His grandfather taught him long ago that other’s actions are theirs, and that it’s what Jongdae does in response that is his responsibility. But he can’t deny that he indulges in thoughts of blaming the cruelty of life for making him so goddamn stubborn.
He swallows and leans back in his chair, feeling as though his body is made of hard, unyielding stone. Maybe it's better this way, he wonders, drumming his fingers on the wood desk before him. Perhaps he should let his worst fears dominate his life, believing that the risk is far greater than any potential reward that love or friendship could offer him.
Is it better to be alone, knowing that he’ll always be safe, free of anyone who might hurt him?
Jongdae groans. The voice inside him that whispers No sounds first like his grandfather, both encouraging and feisty at the thought of Jongdae giving up. Next it sounds like you. He knows you’d roll your eyes and call him grouchy, always thinking better of him than he does of himself. You’d tell him his bark is far worse than his bite and to get over himself already. At this thought, at any thought of you, really, he smiles.
Familiar voices make him look out into the mall. Sehun and Jongin walk by carrying sodas, rubbing their stomachs. He can imagine how they’re complaining about eating too much Barada pizza, as always.
They pass by quickly but the image stays with him, of their friendship. Jongdae thinks of Chanyeol and Kyungsoo’s, how opposite and yet how similar they are. Baekhyun and Hitch, who are always teasing each other but who he knows would do anything at the drop of a hat.
He’s held himself back the past few months. First a reluctant observer. Then a tentative participant. The endless exhaustion of being careful, keeping his distance, catches up to Jongdae as he sits in that chair. If it weren’t for you maybe he’d never be brave enough to try again after how hard it was growing up. But if he is to be the kind of person, the kind of partner you deserve, now is the time to make the attempt.
It’s up to Jongdae to be the one to try, to reach out. He can’t let others find him anymore. For the first time in a long time Jongdae stands up and goes looking for a friend.
Junmyeon still has an hour before his store closes and he looks up at Jongdae as he walks in through the door of Guardians. ‘Hey, JD! How’s it going?’ If he notices that Jongdae’s been crying, he’s kind enough to not mention it.
‘Are you busy?’ Jongdae’s throat is raw but Jun has a young son, surely tears won’t bother him.
‘Not really, I’m just organizing some shipments going out tomorrow,’ Junmyeon answers. He sets down his pencil and rests his hands on the counter. A crease forms between his brows the longer he watches Jongdae. ‘Is everything alright?’
He wants to do this right, but all he can find are inelegant words. Junmyeon is as close as he has to a best friend at the moment, and he hopes he doesn’t inconvenience him. ‘Not really.’
Jun tilts his head and gestures to the door, picking up Jongdae’s unspoken request and running with it, just like he’d hoped he would. ‘I can close up shop a bit early. Want to talk in my office?’
Jongdae runs a hand over his face and nods. Grateful and relieved he manages a small laugh. ‘That would be great, thanks.’
After Jun locks the doors and flips the sign to closed he motions for Jongdae to follow him. The back room of Guardians is much warmer that at Chen’s Electronics, in style rather than temperature. Jongdae sits on a beige sofa that’s even more comfortable than it looks. The walls are filled with framed photos and art prints and various other pieces that give the space an art gallery vibe.
With a sigh Junmyeon tidies up the mess of papers and crayons and various cups with kid lids. ‘Sorry, Sungmin loves to draw but we haven’t quite nailed the clean up yet.’
‘Don’t worry about it on my behalf,’ Jongdae says sincerely. ‘I’m just grateful you’re willing to listen.’
The space has a narrow hallway leading to a back door and a closet that’s probably full of supplies, much like Jongdae’s store. Jun takes the cups to a small sink in the mini-kitchen in the corner. His brow lifts in confusion. ‘Why wouldn’t I? We’re friends, right?’
Could it be that simple? No need to prove himself or do everything possible to impress Junmyeon, like he did with Julian. ‘Yeah, we are I suppose.’ He laughs and shakes his head. ‘Sorry, I don’t mean to imply I don’t consider us friends, I just - well, have a few trust issues when it comes to that sort of thing.’
Junmyeon dries his hands on a dishtowel and blows his hair off his forehead with a huffed laugh. ‘We’ve all got a few issues, don’t we?’ He moves to the table and takes a seat, sliding a glass of water towards Jongdae and sipping from one of his own. ‘I’ve got the time. So quit stalling and tell me about yours.’
He sags into the couch and drinks from the glass. ‘Alright then.’
For once he doesn’t second guess himself or try to read the minutiae of Jun’s expressions to see if he’s annoying him or being too boring. Jongdae simply tells him the truth, trusting his friend to listen.
He mentions his family and how hard it hit him when his grandfather passed. How strange and yet unbothered he is by the lack of relationship with his mother. The way he was teased growing up and how he was probably the only person in his Master’s program going through puberty. The fact that the mall is the first place he’s ever had friends his own age since childhood.
It’s satisfying to see how pissed off Jun gets when he tells him about Julian and all the bullshit he put Jongdae through. For a while there Jongdae had convinced himself that he was the one in the wrong, that there’d been something he’d done to earn his exile. That it was a deserved punishment. But his friend’s muttered curses remind him that true friends don’t normally backstab each other for money and notoriety.
And finally, he talks of you.
How much he values you at work and how sassy and insistent you were about bringing him into ‘the fold’ of their friend group. The ways in which he wants to be with you and care for you and all his worries of whether or not he’ll be any good at it, given his lack of experience. Junmyeon is neither surprised by his feelings for you nor willing to let him wallow.
‘I even brought prom tickets,’ Jongdae finishes with a groan. He pulls them from the pocket of his jeans and lets his arm fall to the couch cushion. ‘Me. At a prom.’ He almost snorts.
But Junmyeon just purses his lips. ‘Is that really such a stretch?’
Jongdae hums a noise of contemplation. ‘No. I guess not. All our friends are doing it.’ But before Jun can continue he shakes his head. ‘But I’ve messed this all up, so it doesn’t matter either way.’
Loneliness aches in his bones, his hands tired of not holding yours. Wishing he was enough, somehow, to keep you here and keep you warm; enough to make you stay, to make you happy.
Junmyeon raises a brow. ‘I think you’re missing the point entirely my friend. She told you what she needs. All you have to do is listen. She’s asking you to trust her. This job is something she’s worked for and she’s not leaving you for it. She’s just leaving the job. If you want to know you have to ask.’
He sighs deeply. ‘You’re right. But what if it all goes wrong? What if I try and it’s all for nothing in the end?’
Jun dips his chin to his chest, looking at the ground lost in thought. ‘That’s fair. I know a little of that myself, Jongdae. But all you can do is try. There’s sadly no guarantees here. I think you want to make it work and from what I know of her, she wants you as well. It’s time to make the big gesture. Or any kind of gesture, really.’
He groans and smiles, knowing his friend’s fondness for ‘I think you’re right.’ He even has an idea, two in fact. One that’s lived in the back of his mind for weeks and one that’s brewing right now. ‘Will you help me?’
‘Absolutely my friend.’ Jun claps him on the shoulder, his eyes crinkling at the corners.
November 19th, 1997
It should have been wonderful news to you that it was a clean break at least. No mess, just walking out the door and leaving behind the man and the job in one fell swoop. But of course, it wasn’t.
Microsoft was delighted when you told them you could start ASAP, but honestly you did it to jump into work rather than spend your time missing Jongdae. Filling your schedule proves to be the easiest way to avoid thinking about what hurts. You still had your roommates and Hitch and everyone else to hang out with, even if you weren’t ready for any Saturday pizza lunches or Shari’s nights quite yet. Both brought you far too close to him to bear right now.
Liz and Jane and Hitch are wonderful and you’ve had not one but two sleepovers since ‘the Jongdae incident.’ If not for their friendship and constant presence you’re sure you would have walled up the hurt and hid it away, not one to normally speak about your pain openly. Not while it’s so fresh.
Distantly you hope that Jongdae is okay and that he has someone to talk to. If he’s even hurting.
For all you know he’s completely fine and unaffected by the entire thing. Maybe he’s already found a new office manager and has forgotten about you. But those are the kind of rude and painful thoughts that only come to you at three in the morning when you can’t sleep, when dreams of his hands and his voice and his smile keep you up.
Jongdae calls one Tuesday to ask you to swing by Chen’s to pick something up the next day and you’re suspicious. He wouldn’t say any more, just ‘please come by at six. I have something to give you and I’d like it to be in person.’
You put on your favorite black dress and blazer that make you feel both sexy and confident and head to the mall. If he’s just calling you to twist the knife in deeper, you’ve already decided to leave and not bother letting him hurt you more. But if he’s calling to reconcile… you shake your head, not willing to get your hopes up. Instead you park in your old space and fix your make up in the rearview mirror.
It delights you to see that your old desk is returned to its former state. Just the computer, keyboard, and mouse remain. No one’s personal possessions have taken over the space like yours used to. It shouldn’t make you so happy to see he hasn’t replaced you, but it does.
Jongdae sits at his desk. His hair is in its usual perfect wave but his white button down and slacks have been swapped today for a dark green sweater and tan chinos. He looks ridiculously handsome and you grit your teeth, wishing you could turn off your attraction to him with a switch inside your brain.
He looks up at your knock on the glass door. For a moment he simply stands, drinking you in. Then he moves, walking closer to unlock the door and let you in.
‘Hi. How are you?’
You blink and try not to laugh. ‘How am I? Jongdae, how do you think I am?’
‘Right, sorry.’ He shakes his head. Carefully he looks you up and down, not bothering to hide his own attraction to you in his hungry gaze. With a swallow he remembers himself and grabs a cardboard banker’s box from in front of his desk. ‘Here. I didn’t want to come by and drop it off. It felt wrong.’
The box holds all the random photos and personal belongings you’d left in your desk, in your haste to leave. Postcards from Amsterdam and family photos and lotions and your favorite scarf you’d been missing. He steps back, resting against the corner of his desk and folding his arms. When you take it he doesn’t say anything, which is not what you’d hoped by any means, but silence is definitely less painful than you’d feared.
‘Well, it’s been an adventure,’ you manage. You lean against your desk and move the box under one arm, holding out a hand to him to shake. Ready to be done with this officially.
He doesn’t move. You can feel words held on the tip of his tongue. Months and months later you know how to read his tells. The tightness in his jaw and the widening of his eyes and how his hand grips the fabric of his sweater. But seconds tick on and still he says nothing.
He should speak or you should leave. One of you should do something. Instead you’re frozen in time. Eventually your arm aches and you set the box down beside you. You could go first, but pride demands he be the one to confess, if there’s going to be any confessions tonight.
Neither of you caves; twin pillars of resolution, stubbornness, and desire. It’s a game the two of you could play for hours. The tension in the air pulls tighter than a violin. His gaze drops from your eyes to your lips, unabashedly. His lids grow heavy as he breathes deeply, close enough to smell your gardenia perfume, but just out of reach of being able to touch you.
So this is what it feels like to meet my match, you think, finally acknowledging just how deeply you want him. Enough nights had been spent imagining kissing him, being with him in far more intimate ways than just a holding of hands or a hug. You want more, but only if he wants you, too.
You'd always been told that you were too driven, too smart, too self-sufficient to attract a man. Even in your MBA program where ambition and intelligence were supposedly rewarded, it apparently made you too something to find a good man to date.
But now there’s one right in front of you, looking at you as if you’re the answer to Fermat’s Enigma; a rare and priceless gem he’d been hunting for all his life. But he doesn’t look at you as if you’re art to be admired, a prize to be won. The guard lifts steadily and when he looks at you now it’s as if you’re the kind of miracle he wants to sink his teeth, his tongue, and his fingers into.
Your cheeks grow warm and you’re sure you look just as amazed and turned on as he does. If you had to guess, you’d bet that the number of people who challenge him these days are few, and the number of people who attempt to see the man behind the curtain even fewer.
While everyone else in the world might just see a monolith of a man, a genius, a hardworking and brilliant anomaly, you see the passionate, warm heart that beats in his chest. You know that the tin man really does have feelings and needs, and your heart almost breaks when you realize he’s been searching for you just as fervently as you’ve been searching for someone like him.
The silence in the room is almost too fragile a thing to break. On one side of the moment is a spark of something, a chance to see if this connection is real and deep, or if this is just chemistry and biology combining into lust. If your mind has taken the small gestures of passion and kindness and friendship from him and built it up to be something more than the sum of its parts.
‘I’ve missed you,’ he breathes, voice catching in his throat. Releasing his folded arms he rests his palms on the edges of the desk.
‘I’ve missed you, too,’ you admit. Your hands curl in on themselves, trying to fight the way emotion and physical longing make it difficult to be in such a close proximity to him.
‘Okay, then.’ He breaks first, moving with purpose and striding to you in two steps, sliding his hands along your jaw with such softness that you gasp.
And then, finally, you feel his lips on yours. You grasp his hips, hands freed and aching to touch him, to feel his hard body press against yours with surprising heat.
You meet him with equal passion, working your lips against his steady assault on your composure. For a solid minute you’re in awe that you could feel this much, that his lips and his hands could undo you so rapidly. That they could rebuild you into someone who belongs to him in such a short space of time, after weeks of endless doubt.
He groans against your lips in what feels like similar shock and surrender. Who would have thought that he would cave to your touch just as you did to his? How could someone so grumpy and strong-willed also be so open and vulnerable to this tentative thing between you.
But as he drops a hand and brings it to rest securely on the small of your back you realize there’s a name for this feeling.
You could call it fate. You could call it destiny. You could call it that damned four-letter word or you could call it Darwinism for all you care as his teeth bite gently into your lower lip.
You just know that nothing has ever felt as good and right as his hands claiming you for his own and the smell and heat of him wrapping themselves around you and burrowing their way into your heart.
A whine works its way from your throat as he licks along the seam of your lips, seeking entrance. When you open your mouth to him, his tongue slides along your own and you almost lose your balance. With a giggle you could swear you’ve never made before in your life you let him guide you up onto the desk.
He steps between your legs instantly, gripping your hips and continuing his tasting of you. Heat and electricity race down your spine as you fist your hands in his hair, pulling him closer to you until there’s no separation.
Banging on the glass doors and whistles come from out in the mall and you freeze. Instead of jerking back in shock and alarm like you’d expect him to, Jongdae confounds you once again. He pulls back slowly, opening his eyes and lifting his hands to gently cup your face. It can’t have been more than fifteen minutes but in less than the time it takes to watch one episode of Friends he’s turned your world on its axis.
You and Jongdae smile at each other and both turn to wave at your group of friends, who are celebrating and clapping. Baekhyun eats from an enormous bag of popcorn, wearing his theater uniform. Jongin and Sehun take large handfuls and Hitch whoops with joy. Liz and Jane and Junmyeon are all smiling, and attempt to force some of the group away to give you privacy.
Jongdae’s hands flex on your waist. ‘I want to try. You’re everything I want, will you please give me the chance to be what you need?’ His voice is raspy and his lips are red and you can’t help but grin.
‘I just want you, okay?’ You fix his messed up hair with both hands and sigh with relief. ‘And for you to admit you like me.’
‘I far more than like you.’ Jongdae rolls his eyes and kisses you once more. ‘You just want me to say you’re right.’
With a laugh you ease yourself off your desk, standing close within his arms and bending to whisper in his ear. ‘I’m always right. I just love when you admit it.’
‘So,’ he starts with an amused quirk of an eyebrow. ‘Will you let me take you to dinner? Us, officially, on a date.’
Your chest feels as if it’s a balloon, expanding so rapidly it might burst. He looks so young and boyish and hopeful your heart feels like it turns to liquid gold. With a delighted grin you lean forward and press your lips to his again, unable to resist.
Joy swims in his irises as he holds you in his arms. He looks at you through his lashes, his lips tilting into lopsided smile. ‘Is that a yes, then?’
‘Yes,’ you answer. ‘Of course.’
‘How’s right now for you?’ He motions to the doors and your friends have finally been corralled to the side of the walkway, revealing an elaborately decorated table in the food court.
You gasp and grip his arm. Jun and Sehun hold the doors open and Jongdae escorts you out. A red tablecloth is spread out over the circular table. The chairs have added plush cushions and several candles have been lit. A bottle of wine and two glasses rest beside several plates of food. You recognize the pizza from Barada, the rest looks like a mix from the other restaurants in the food court.
With high fives and hugs from your friends they finally leave you and Jongdae alone. Well, almost alone. It’s not a busy time at the mall, but there’s no way to avoid some of the customers turning to watch with amusement and curiosity as they pass by. You pay them no mind as Jongdae holds out your chair and helps you sit.
The two of you fall back into conversation easy enough, aided by the enormous amount of food and how you no longer have to move your knees away when they bump under the table. Jongdae reaches for your hand and holds it, in full view. He stares at the joined digits with warmth before looking up at you.
Doubt passes across his face, marring the beauty that contentment lends his features. ‘I don’t -’ he struggles. ‘I don’t know how to keep this much good in my life. I worry that I’m going to mess it up.’
Neither of you are the type to openly acknowledge such things. Merely the fact that he’s voicing his fears to you shows you he’s doing what he said - he’s trying, he wants to change. And truthfully so do you.
‘I worried for the longest time that I’d be alone forever,’ you say softly. ‘I didn’t think I’d ever find someone who understood me or who could handle all my - well, you know how I am.’
Jongdae smiles then, lifting your joined hands to his lips to press a kiss to your skin. ‘I love who you are.’
Your eyes mist at that and you groan, trying to blink them back. ‘Good, because I love who you are too.’ With your free hand you reach for his, needing to hold both of them and all of him at once. Not wanting to give his overly-analytical mind a chance to override the fragile hope you’re both building tonight. ‘You know what to do when a computer overloads?’
He nods. ‘Of course. Often it’s just a simple matter of turning it off and on again.’
‘So,’ you say, lifting your shoulder in a shrug. ‘When we mess up or freak out or say the wrong thing, we’ll just start over again. As long as you want me and I want you, we’ll figure it out.’
Jongdae softens, his shoulders dropping and ease coming back into his eyes. ‘I didn’t know I was lagging until you jump started my life.’ He waggles his brows. It’s a gesture that’s all Baekhyun, and a pun so terrible that Junmyeon would be proud. You can’t help but laugh and squeeze his hands.
‘I’ve got one more surprise,’ Jongdae says, reluctantly releasing one of your hands to pull two narrow slips of paper from his pocket. ‘Do you have any plans for Christmas?’
The tickets are in both your names. First class round trip from Seattle to Amsterdam. ‘Oh my - Jongdae, what is this? You and me in Amsterdam?’
‘I figured it was about time,’ he says with pride.
You lean out of your chair and reach for him, tugging him closer to kiss him fully. Noise reaches you - clapping and cheering from the shops around the mall. When you look around you see Sehun and his girlfriend leaning out of Starlight Apparel. Chanyeol and Kyungsoo smiling and fist bumping as they work on closing up the shop.
Hitch nudges Baekhyun from the theater booth and he jumps in excitement. And from Guardians Junmyeon leans on the counter, resting his chin in his hand, giving a thumbs up.
You roll your eyes and wave. ‘We maybe should have gone somewhere outside the mall, huh?’
'No, I think this is perfect,’ Jongdae answers. He then covers your mouth with his and holds you so tight that it drowns out the chorus of cheering that echos around the space.
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Jung Kook (정국)
Real name: 전정국 (Jeon Jungkook)
Birth date: 01 September 1997
Home city: Busan
Studio name: Golden closet
Instagram account (he deleted it)
BU character: Jeon JungKook
BT21 character: Cooky
(src)
Biography
For a more complete biography, you can check these resources:
Biography from the volume 8 of the Japan Official Fanclub magazine (trans by Jungkook Times and by @ynkkbaragi for the timeline)
Jung Kook has also shared tidbits of his daily life:
[VLOG] Muscle Rabbit's Exercise Diary (2019)
CAMPING VLOG (2022)
Birthday albums: 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023
Recommendations
Music
Spotify playlist
You can find Youtube playlists of the songs he shared on Spotify until now, on VLive/Weverse and on Twitter or during interviews.
Books/Movies/Series/Anime
Google sheet of his recommendations
Solo activity
Music (discography)
Rap Monster & 정국 - “Like A Star (cover)” (2013)
“일하는 중 (cover)” (working) (2014)
“SOFA (cover)“ (2014)
Jimin & Jung Kook - “Christmas Day” (Origin. Justin Bieber - Mistletoe, 2014)
“Lost Stars“ (2015)
“PAPER HEARTS(cover)” (gift for Christmas) 2015)
랩몬스터 & 정국 - “Fools (COVER)” (2015)
“Nothing Like Us (cover)” (2016)
RM & JK - “알아요 (I know)” (for the Festa, 2016)
“Purpose (cover)” (2016)
“We don't talk anymore“ (2017)
Jimin, JK - “We don't talk anymore” (gift for the Festa, 2017)
“So Far Away (SUGA, 진, 정국 Ver.)” (gift for the Festa, 2017)
“2U (cover)" (2017)
“Oh Holy Night (cover)" (for Christmas, 2017)
“그때 헤어지면 돼 (cover)” (only then) (2018)
“이런 엔딩 (cover)” (Ver 2)(2019)
“Euphoria (DJ Swivel Forever Mix)” (gift for the Festa, 2019)
“Still With You” (gift for the Festa, 2020)
“10000 Hours (cover)” (2020)
Jung Kook (정국) - ”Stay Alive (Prod. SUGA of BTS)” (OST for the 7FATES: CHAKHO webcomic, 2022)
”My You” (gift for the Festa, 2022)
--- Chapter 2 ---
Charlie Puth - “Left And Right” (feat. Jung Kook of BTS) (2022)
“Dreamers” (2022) (official song for the FIFA World Cup Qatar 2022)
“Seven” feat. Latto (2023) (see this post)
“3D” feat. Jack Harlow (2023) (see this post)
The Kid Laroi, Jung Kook, Central Cee - “Too Much”
GOLDEN (2023) (see this post)
For more details about the songs that don’t have their own post, I listed all the info I had here. For Chapter 2 songs, please check here.
Shows
Mr. Mon’s 1minute English (2015, guest)
episode 1 “Pardon”
episode 2 “July”
Directing
“Life Goes On” MV
Art
Album cover of “Seesaw X I NEED U REMIX” (2018)
Magazines
DAZED Fall: interview, bonus
VOGUE KOREA 2023 October issue: tweets, interview (in Korean)
Brand endorsement
Global ambassador for Calvin Klein (2023): teaser tweet, first campaign tweets, second campaign tweets, Youtube videos, Rolling Stone article, VOGUE digital cover (Hong Kong) and interview (Korea), Episode of the Calvin Klein Commercial Shoot Sketch, third campaign tweets, tweets for Jung Kook’s performance in Time Square presented by Calvin Klein, tweet comemorating “Standing Next to You”
Interviews
BE comeback interview: “I hope this feeling never fades”
Butter release interview: “I think we’d better not ever stop”
Proof release interview: “I want to prove myself through my music”
Trivia
Weverse magazine: “Listening to Jung Kook”
Weverse magazine: “Jung Kook’s playlist”
Jung Kook has a studio named Golden Closet, in reference to his Golden Maknae nickname (which means he’s the yonugest and talented in everything he does). The Golden Closet studio has offered us several works, notably:
7 G.C.F (Golden Closet Film)
some G.C.P (Golden Closet Picture) and #golden_closet_photo
a few G.C.S (Golden Closet Sketch)
As revealed in In The Soop Season 2, Jung Kook has a dog named Bam.
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Could I request some hcs on viper/omen - if one got hurt how would the other react?
I hope u have a good day <3 :))
[ omen x viper II ]
✎↷: hello anon! sorry it took me so long to get around to this! been busying myself by getting into the overwatch fandom again— late to the party, i know, but this is the remix folks! enjoy these <3
omen getting hurt is an irregular sight. his body is no longer physical where there is need for concern over injury much, but the man is presently there despite his wispy form. what happens when he is injured is less of a bleeding and tearing of muscles, but a shake on his grasp of reality, sending scraps of his body back through the rift where it came from. he’s more like a walking puddle that can take shape of a human and gain ths touch of it, and it takes adjustment to if someone isn’t used to it.
viper doesn’t like seeing omen hurt. she extends her arms to him as a friend, and while death is nearly impossible for the split man, it’s that his second chance at life will leave nothing but a pile of clothes on the floor in his wake. debatably, viper has more motherly qualities than sage does, but it isn’t as open as the healer’s. she has a sense of protection towards those she’s closest with, such as brimstone and omen, and would go to the ends of the world to ensure their safety and their return back home.
these senses and habits increase tenfold when either are injured, but for omen, the serpent ends up closely monitoring him and watching for his condition. she doesn’t leave a lingering hand on him, but to where she’ll immediately notice if he starts fading away from their plane of earth. her fingers would weave into his, an arm around his waist, mouth a compilation of swears and prays that he stays where he is in their dimension instead of being swallowed up into the chasm.
omen sees this desperate side of her when his life is in risk, and as the partner he is, he’ll return to reassure his partner. it’s grounding where he can fight harder to lull his body back to the present when he sees the wires and bandages coiled around him— all from her to reassure that he will be safe, that he will stay alive. viper has chosen to fight for him, a shell of a man, and it’s what she deserves if he returns the favor as well.
viper being injured is a different story. the woman rarely lets herself slip up and prefers to isolate during those times, and is stubborn enough to be her own doctor instead of letting the other medical professionals within the facility help her out. she pushes her body to it’s limit and provides as much as she can to herself, moderating her own vitals and various conditions that have been tailored to her radiant-damaged self. knowing her, she’s pulled off surgery on herself in the midst of the field to pry out shrapnel and seal it before she died of blood contamination.
omen takes care of her. he doesn’t have the same medical experience that she does, but he’s supportive in where he’ll slide her a bowl of soup or something she can stomach while she’s doing her work, and generally provide what he remembers that can help. his concern limits viper from running out of her room and performing tasks that she doesn’t need to be when she could be resting, and omen won’t let up on her until she gives into his decision. they know each other best, and viper can trust omen to take care of her should she need it.
omen cooks for her. to the disbelief of others, omen doesn’t eat— he has to inject himself with nutrients because his body doesn’t have the ability to digest food anymore, but he can make out some form of taste sense and smell. the ghost has found various recipes online to try out and goes into extensive research to assure that the recipes will taste somewhat decent by the time he presents it to the injured viper, and he relies on purely reviews and youtube comments just to see if a food recipe is worth it.
at the same time, he’s very good at distracting her from the pain. she’ll bleary eyed and hissing and he’ll calmly sit beside her, talking about the smaller things he doesn’t typically press at. “you are bed ridden, but i have a treat for you.” and then he’ll turn on his laptop while she grunts in pain and play a video of brimstone trying to do parkour while following killjoy’s and jett’s steps, and viper would laugh because comedy central and wow, her ribs hurt like a bitch.
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Dean Winchester Playlist: Righteous Man
I originally posted this on We Heart It, but I want to transfer it here.
I love making playlists, and I love TV shows and fictional character, so here it is. You can expect several playlists for several characters from me.
I chose the songs I put in those playlists, based on lyrics. When I don't, it's because the song is linked to a particular scene starring the chosen character (ex: Heat of the Moment), is a favourite and/or important to the character in some way (ex: Hey Jude, was a song Mary used to put Dean to sleep with when he was a kid), or because they have a special meaning to the fandom (ex: Shake It Off, that not only, has been on the show, but is also used in the Supernatural Parody by The Hillywood Show), or because I think they're songs that the chosen character might listen to and/or like.
(Of course, I haven't included all the songs that Dean might be listening to, that would be too long, hahaha.)
Knocking on Heaven's Door by Gun N' Roses
"Mama put my guns in the ground
I can't shoot them anymore"
Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd
"Mama told me when I was young
'Come sit beside me, my only son' "
Eye of the Tiger by Survivor
"And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger"
Shake It Off by Taylor Swift
"I go on too many dates, but I can't make them stay
At least that's what people say"
Hells Bells by AC/DC
"I won't take no prisoners, won't spare no lives
Nobody's putting up a fight"
Heat Of The Moment by Asia
"A look from you and I would fall from grace
And that would wipe this smile right off my face"
Smoke On The Water by Deep Purple
"When it all was over
We had to find another place"
Back In Black by AC/DC
"Forget the hearse 'cause I never die
I got nine lives"
Have a Drink on Me by AC/DC
"Whiskey, gin, and brandy
With a glass, I'm pretty handy"
Wanted Dead Or Alive by Bon Jovi
"I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I'm wanted dead or alive"
Hey Jude by The Beatles
"Hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders"
Fortunate Son by Creedence Clearwater Revival
"Some folks are born silver spoon in hand
Lord, don't they help themselves, oh"
Warriors by Imagine Dragons
"But you always knew that you'd be the one
That work while they all play"
Send Me An Angel by Scorpions
"Close your eyes and you will find
The way out of the dark"
Judgement Day by Stealth
"I've crossed every line, broken every boundary
And now it's retribution time 'cause the change that I'm into
It ain't that holy!"
I'm Alright by Kenny Loggins
"I'm alright
Nobody worry 'bout me
Why you got to gimme a fight?
Can't you just let it be?"
Midnight Rider by The Allman Brothers Band
"Not gon' let 'em catch the midnight rider
And I don't own the clothes I'm wearing
And the road goes on forever"
All Out Of Love by Air Supply
"I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights"
Don't You Worry Child cover by Sam Tsui
"There was a time, I used to look into my father's eyes
In a happy home, I was a king I had a golden throne
Those days are gone, now the memories are on the wall"
Old Town Road (Remix) by Lil Nas X ft Billy Ray Cyrus (to be very honest with you, this song makes me think of Jensen more than Dean, but I probably won't do actors playlists, and I really wanted to include it, so here it is.)
"Yeah, I'm gonna take my horse to the old town road
I'm gonna ride 'til I can't no more"
Ramble On by Led Zeppelin
"Got no time for spreadin' roots
The time has come to be gone"
Travelling River Blues by Led Zeppelin
"Well I know my baby, If I see her in the dark
I said I know my rider, If I see her in the dark"
Rebel Rebel by David Bowie
"Hey babe, let's go out tonight
You like me, and I like it all
We like dancing and we look divine"
Runnin' with the devil by Van Halen
"I live my life like there's no tomorrow
And all I've got, I had to steal
Least I don't need to beg or borrow
Yes I'm livin' at a pace that kills"
Need You Tonight by INXS
"I need you tonight
'Cause I'm not sleeping"
Cherry Pie by Warrant
"Tastes so good, makes a grown man cry
Sweet Cherry Pie, yeah"
Leave It All Behind by Sleeping With Sirens
"When you look at my life
Tell me what do you see?
I'm only human
So don't expect too much from me"
Feel free to add to this if you want to.
#supernatural#spn#dean winchester#Dean's Playlist#character playlist#dovearchives playlist#deanwinchtser#spnfandom#more like cursed fandom if you ask me#always making playlists#jensen ackles#jackles
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Antenne Vorarlberg Chillout Lounge (August 23, 2023)
23:56 Jelly & Fish - Appreciation
23:50 Gary B - Let You In
23:47 Sneaker Pimps - 6 Underground
23:44 Dj Antoine Feat. Ablai - My Corazon (Dj Antoine Vs. Mad Mark 2k21 Mix)
23:38 Joris Voorn - Ringo
23:34 Loud Luxury Feat. Morgan St. Jean - Aftertaste
23:29 New Age Kings - Illusion (Instrumental Remix)
23:25 Minnie Riperton - Lovin' You
23:18 Blond:ish Feat. Shawni - Wizard Of Love
23:16 Tiesto - Lay Low
23:11 Croquet Club - Awake
23:05 Banderas - This Is Your Life (Easy Life Mix)
22:59 Blank & Jones With Claudia Brücken - Unknown Treasure
22:56 Armin Van Buuren & Garibay - Phone Down
22:52 Above & Beyond - Out Of Time (Original Mix)
22:48 Blank & Jones - Flowing
22:45 Nora En Pure - Fibonacci
22:42 Alok, Zeeba And Iro - Ocean
22:36 Leftfield - Melt
22:30 Bay Area - Dolphin Rider (Pianodreamsession)
22:23 Monolink - Don't Hold Back
22:20 Alle Farben Feat. Jordan Powers - Different For Us
22:14 Rìfìs Du Sol - Next To Me
22:11 Ec Twins, Oda Loves You - Wonderful Life
22:03 Heather Nova - Aquamarine
21:59 Dvine - Unknown Reality
21:56 Schiller X Ro Nova X Tricia Mcteague - Illuminate
21:51 Two Lanes - Pièces Froides: Ii. Danses De Travers
21:45 Sirius & Nyla - Infinity (Remastered Remix)
21:42 Calvin Harris Feat. Sam Smith - Promises
21:39 Alex Breitling - Lilie
21:33 Hakan Kayis, Furkan Sarikas, Cinar Gedizlioglu - A Night In Alacati (Original Mix)
21:26 Popmode - Moonrise (Original Mix)
21:22 Eelke Kleijn - Midnight Affair (Samaha Slow Edit)
21:20 R3hab & Marnik - Candyman
21:13 Cosmo Klein Feat. Ynot - When Doves Cry (Original Mix)
21:10 Reece Lemonius, Munich Monstrs - Miss You
21:04 Hraach & Armen Miran - Nowhere
20:59 Jens Buchert - 1000 Miles
20:56 Kygo & Tina Turner - What's Love Got To Do With It
20:53 Klingande, Stevie Appleton - Sinner
20:50 Sofi Tukker & John Summit - Sun Came Up (Radio)
20:44 Goldfish - Love Everlasting (Extended Mix)
20:37 Royksopp - Sordid Affair (Maceo Plex Mix)
20:31 Rìfìs Du Sol - Alive (Anyma Remix)
20:26 Victoriya - Nothing Remains
20:23 Robin Schulz Feat. Harloe - All This Love
20:21 Tiësto & Ty Dolla $ign - The Business, Pt. Ii
20:14 Rìfìs Du Sol - On My Knees (Oliver Schories Remix)
20:08 Aim - Cold Water Music
20:06 Sons Of Maria - A Kiss Like This
20:04 Loud Luxury And Frank Walker Feat. Stephen Puth - Like Gold
19:59 Lenny Ibizarre - Smooth Temptation
19:57 Trinix & Ian Urbina - Bad Things
19:49 Audiofly Feat. Fiora - 6 Degrees
19:46 Mike Candys & Jack Holiday - Saltwater (Rework)
19:42 Ac Venture - Rain In Spain (Roberto Sol Remix)
19:36 Benny Royal, Dani Hageman - Tigereye
19:32 Cecilia Krull - Agnus Dei (Benny Benassi & Bb Team Remix)
19:25 Christopher Von Deylen - Opaque
19:22 Sam Feldt, Lucas & Steve Ft. Wulf - Summer On You
19:19 Shapov & Avian Grays Feat. Kifi - Light Up The World
19:16 Thomas Gold Feat. Bright Sparks - Seventeen
19:12 Armin Van Buuren & Garibay Feat. Olaf Blackwood - I Need You
19:09 Robin Schulz Feat. Alida - In Your Eyes
19:05 Tycho - Horizon
18:56 Underworld - 8 Ball
18:51 Thomas Lemmer & Andreas Bach - Deep Ocean
18:48 Felix Jaehn Feat. Jasmine Thompson - Ain't Nobody
18:45 Robin Schulz & David Guetta - On Repeat
18:41 Brendon Moeller - Emerging
18:38 Pang! - Walking In The Sun
18:35 Vievie - Blue Island
18:29 Good Guy Mikesh Feat. Filburt - Place Of Love (Mp Edit)
18:25 Zero 7 - In The Waiting Line
18:22 Mellowdy - Rise Up
18:19 Sum Wave - Milkyway
18:15 James Bright - Sarabande
18:08 Valeron - Jamal
18:05 Italobrothers - Stay
17:57 Hansi Lang - Perfect Day (Smacs & Patrick Kong Remix)
17:49 Boral Kibil - Never Again (Bobby Deep Mix)
17:44 Ludvig & Stelar - Reflection
17:41 Topic Feat. Nico Santos) - Home (Alle Farben Remix)
17:38 Rosa Linn - Snap
17:34 Jan Blomqvist, Elena Pitoulis - More (Original Mix)
17:31 Nora En Pure - Sign Of The Times
17:27 Jako Diaz & Margret - Mirror
17:24 Quantic - Painting Silhouettes (Original Mix)
17:20 Ck West & Sassi K - C Song
17:17 Chicane - Capricorn (Back Pedal Brakes Remix)
17:11 Marra Kesh Khetama - Sunshine
17:07 Alina Baraz & Galimatias - Fantasy (Felix Jaehn Remix)
17:02 Atb & Anova - Route 66
16:56 Beanfield - Planetary Deadlock
16:54 Famba Feat. Brando & Mkla - Games We Play
16:50 Jaques Raupe, Stereoact, Peter Schilling Feat. Peter Schilling - Terra Titanic
16:44 Lazy Hammbock - Surround Me
16:40 The Alan Parsons Project - Old And Wise
16:37 Daniel Steidtmann - Annecy
16:34 Alok & Timmy Trumpet - Underwater Love (La Vision Remix)
16:30 Nora En Pure - World Of Rules
16:23 Tosca - Dave Dudley
16:21 Tiscore - Fire To Smoke
16:15 Beyhude - Terso
16:11 Topic Feat. Nico Santos - Home
16:09 Munich Monstrs - Shine
16:06 Avaion X Vize X Leony - Pieces
16:01 Ohm-g - Hulectric Soul
15:57 Maxim Lany Feat. Freya Alley - Anymore
15:53 James Bright - Siempre
15:47 Anrey - Lost Lands (Extended Mix)
15:44 Audax Feat. Ron Caroll - Falling For You
15:38 Les Negresses Vertes - Face A La Mer
15:34 Schiller - Free The Dragon
15:30 Daniel Steidtmann - Pigeon Lake
15:27 Zhu - Faded
15:22 Rodriguez Jr. & Liset Alea - Amplify
15:19 Blank & Jones Feat. Mick Roach - Magnolia
15:15 Tontario - Late (Original Mix)
15:11 Above & Beyond Feat. Justine Suissa - Little Something
15:06 Deep Dive Corp. Feat. Dennis Le Gree - Water
15:01 The Funky Lowlives - Time To Let Go
14:57 Blank & Jones - High Fly
14:52 Espresso Del Lago - Come On
14:50 Ofenbach & Ella Henderson - Hurricane
14:46 Julian Wassermann - Painfully
14:40 Faro - Dreaming In Orange
14:37 Clément Leroux - Memories
14:34 Morgan Page Feat. Lissie - Firewalk
14:30 Kygo Feat. Sandro Cavazza - Happy Now
14:27 Lost Frequencies & Mathieu Koss - Don't Leave Me
14:23 Nihoni - After Sun
14:20 Sting - Mad About You
14:17 Vize & Leony - Dolly Song (Devil's Cup)
14:10 Worakls - By The Brook
14:05 Simioli, Provenzano, Scarlet - Ain't No Sunshine
13:58 Edx - Conundrum
13:55 Clangusar - I Promised Myself
13:48 Avira & Diana Miro - The Worship (Mark Knight Extended)
13:42 Joachim Pastor & Signum - Something You Need (Extended Mix)
13:37 Jose Padilla - Bosaxi (Touched Mix)
13:30 Röyksopp & Jamie Irrepressible - The Next Day (Mind Against Remix)
13:27 Neptune & Moonnight - I Need A New Love (Original Mix)
13:23 Kygo & Rita Ora - Carry On
13:19 Blank & Jones - Sunny (Summer Vibe Mix)
13:13 Exstra - Comet (Extended Mix)
13:09 Federico Aubele - Salvacion
13:06 Glockenbach - Dirty Dancing
13:03 Mousse T. - Boyfriend (Alle Farben Remix)
13:00 M22 - Good To Be Loved
12:57 Tiësto & Karol G - Don't Be Shy
12:53 Atb - We Belong
12:47 Nora En Pure - Thermal (Extended Mix)
12:44 Agatino Romero - I'm Feeling For You
12:40 Eelke Kleijn - Transmission (Joris Voorn Remix)
12:36 Avira & Kiko Franco Feat. Nathan Nicholson) - Ocean
12:31 Scotty & Wilcox - Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (Wilcox Extended)
12:26 Gotan Project - Last Tango In Paris
12:22 Sons Of Maria - Elevate
12:19 Martin Trevy Feat. Hedara - Talking To The Silence
12:14 Channel 2 Feat. Tanya - Space Cowboy
12:10 Sum Wave - Malin's Song
12:05 Lstn - Times Of Sorrow
11:59 Fatboy Slim - Praise You (Maribou State Remix)
11:55 Above & Beyond - Is It Love? (1001) (Original Mix)
11:50 Eli Kazah - Return Home
11:48 Lunax - I Like
11:44 Sound Nomaden - The Morning After
11:37 Deep-dive-corp. - Lucsus
11:31 Tebra - Suton
11:29 Tiësto - The Motto
11:25 Madonna - Nothing Really Matters
11:20 Eelke Kleijn Feat. Diana Miro - You (Frankey & Sandrino Remix)
11:16 Golden Tone Radio - Glück
11:10 Mic Max - Como El Viento
11:07 Kryder & Natalie Shay - Rapture
11:04 Armin Van Buuren & Avira - Illusion (Mixed)
10:58 Joachim Pastor - Joda (Worakls Remix)
10:54 Lstn - Floral Decor
10:50 The Underdog Project - Summer Jam
10:48 Parov Stelar - Fire
10:44 Ambyion - Motion
10:39 Chromatics - Lady
10:32 John Kah - Carina (Enui Remix)
10:29 Sans Souci - Nanda
10:25 Karen Ramirez - Looking For Love
10:21 Kyla La Grange - Cut Your Teeth
10:16 Mr.da-nos - San Francisco 2k20
10:11 Ancient Astronauts - Until The Stars Go Out
10:03 Blond:ish Feat. Bahramji - Omnipresent
10:00 Matoma Feat. Jonah Kagen - Summer Feeling
09:56 Jones & Brock Feat. Anica - Join Me
09:53 Ck West - Aldebaran 2021
09:48 Blank & Jones - Give It To Me
09:45 York - On The Beach (Kryder & Jenjammin Sax Edit)
09:42 Edx - Ecletric (Mixed)
09:38 Cats On Bricks Feat. Krysta Youngs - Unstoppable (Dj Karsten Kiessling )
09:36 Mila Feat. Uwe Worlitzer - Teil Von Mir
09:33 Consoul Trainin Feat. Steven Aderinto & Duoviolins - Obsession
09:27 Hendrik T. - Espiral
09:20 Colyn - Lightyears
09:17 Sans Souci - Fenton
09:12 Placebo - Running Up That Hill
09:06 Firtz Kalkbrenner - Golden (Fideles Remix)
09:01 Robin Schulz - Moonlit Sky (With The Void Pacific Choir)
08:58 Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike Vs. Diplo Feat. Deb's Daughter - Hey Baby
08:53 Jens Buchert - Cocoon
08:49 Emmit Fenn - Lost In Space
08:46 Sono - Keep Control (Artbat Remix Edit)
08:37 Blank & Jones - California Sunset
08:31 Parra For Cuva Feat. Anna Naklab - Wicked Games
08:28 Bolier - Another Blue
08:25 Together Alone - Let Go
08:21 Jazzamor - Lovin' You
08:18 Shaun Frank & Takis Feat. Shells - Don't Say I Love You
08:14 P. Lion - Happy Children (Special Remastered )
08:11 Justin Bieber - What Do You Mean?
08:05 Christopher Von Deylen - Free
07:59 Rodriguez Jr. Feat. Liset Alea - What Is Real
07:55 Rüfüs Du Sol - No Place
07:51 Jean-michel Jarre - Equinoxe, Pt. 5
07:44 Tosca - La Vendeuse Des Chaussures Des Femmes, Pt. 1
07:40 Chicane Feat. Bryan Adams - Don't Give Up
07:37 Majestic & Boney M. - Rasputin
07:33 Blank & Jones - Fallen
07:26 Armen Miran & Hraach - Gravitation
07:23 Christopher Von Deylen - Heliotrope
07:18 Shaun Feat. Conor Maynard - Way Back Home
07:15 Dennis Kruissen Feat. Liza Flume - Another Soul
07:05 Moby - Too Much Change
07:00 La Vita - Smooth Like Silk
06:56 Ac Venture - Penang Waltz (Roberto Sol Remix)
06:54 Rita Ora - You Only Love Me
06:48 Maestro & Cabal - Clifton Bay
06:45 Gestört Aber Geil & Anna Grey - Thank You
06:37 A Forest Mighty Black - Rebirth
06:32 Tinlicker Feat. Nathan Nicholson - Always Will
06:28 Nora En Pure - Tantrum
06:22 Massive Attack - Sly
06:15 Blank & Jones - White Light
06:13 Yves V X Bashkar - Halfway (Feat. Twan Ray)
06:06 Aural Float - Still Here
06:01 Valante - Rissa
05:59 Mike Candys, Sb Mont & Salvo - Turned To Dust
05:54 Billy Sizemore - Together
05:51 Zaz - Demain C'est Toi
05:46 Fous De La Mer - Luces
05:42 Schiller - Der Tag...du Bist Erwacht (Mit Jette Von Roth)
05:37 Schiller Feat. Jael - Tired (Live)
05:33 Kadebostany - Save Me
05:27 Monolink - Otherside (Club Mix)
05:20 Dale Anderson Feat. Anil Chawla - Pimento Grove
05:17 El Profesor - Bella Ciao (Hugel Remix)
05:14 Edx - Neptune
05:11 Dvine - Ever After
05:06 Loui & Scibi Feat. Nuwella - Your Love (Ian Tosel Remix)
05:00 Christopher Von Deylen - Euphoria
04:57 Dj Antoine & Deep Vice - When You Want Some Love (Dj Antoine Vs Mad Mark 2k21 Mix)
04:55 Zonderling Feat. Josh Cumbee & Damon Sharpe - Lifetime
04:51 Fritz Kalkbrenner - Daylight Is Falling
04:48 Edx Feat. Jess Ball - Take Me Home
04:43 Afterlife - Solstice (Vocal Mix)
04:40 Hugel - Can't Love Myself (Feat. Mishaal& Lpw)
04:34 The Orb - A Beautiful Day
04:31 Kygo, Paul Mccartney & Michael Jackson - Say Say Say
04:28 Lost Frequencies & Elley Duhé - Back To You
04:24 Bebo Best & The Super Lounge Orchestr - Come As You Are
04:19 Eelke Kleijn - Woodstock
04:15 Sum Wave - Goodbye Earth
04:10 Moca - Kleine Träumerei
04:07 Iossa, Ken Holland - The Seed Feat. Iossa (Original Mix)
04:04 Dj Antoine Feat. Chanin & Jona Xx - Dancing In Tulum
04:01 Vintage Culture And Rooftime - I Will Find
03:58 Fedde Le Grand Feat. Vince Freeman - Devils
03:55 Mount & Emdey - Venus
03:52 Robin Schulz & Marc Scibilia - Unforgettable
03:48 Lstn - Undecided
03:40 Marcel - Departure
03:39 Above & Beyond - Quieter Is Louder (Original Mix)
03:34 Pirra Feat. Lindstrøm & Prins Thomas Remix - Limousine Lies
03:30 Nardis - Sunrise
03:27 Brando - Don't Call Me (Galantis Remix)
03:22 Worakls - Caprice
03:16 Diamans - Perception
03:13 Moli - Cloud No9 (Montmartre Remix)
03:08 Faithless Feat. Nathan Ball & Caleb Femi - I Need Someone
03:02 Jonson - S.c.e.n.e. T.w.o.
02:59 Blank & Jones - Coastline
02:57 Viva La Panda, Finding Molly - Chances
02:52 Buttha - Oceanic (Original Mix)
02:48 Basixx - Stay In Your Sunlight
02:42 Kruder & Dorfmeister - High Noon
02:38 Schiller & Peter Heppner - Leben... I Feel You
02:34 Melokind - Tiefgang
02:31 Regard - Ride It
02:29 Vievie - Sea Roses
02:24 Thomas Lemmer & Andreas Bach - Sweet Lullaby
02:21 Calvin Harris & Disciples - How Deep Is Your Love
02:18 James Carter & Ofenbach Feat. James Blunt - Can't Forget You
02:15 Magnofield - Lupino
02:09 Velvet Lounge Project - Dimelo Tu (Mix And Magix Remix)
02:07 Kamrad - I Believe
02:04 Nora En Pure - Stop Wasting Time
01:58 Blank & Jones - Coming Home (Afterlife Remix)
01:55 Bernward Koch - Lonely Dream (Solo Piano)
01:51 Lenny Mac Dowell - Summertime
01:48 Rene Rodrigezz & Tristan Henry - Let Me Go
01:45 Sum Wave - Passing Clouds
01:42 Groove Da Praia - Is This Love
01:38 Paul Oakenfold, Bolier, Luis Fonsi - The World Can Wait (Bolier Remix)
01:34 Karsten Kiessling Feat. Helin - Fight Like A Lion
01:31 Hearts & Colors - Lighthouse (Andrelli Remix)
01:27 Trinix - Vision Deluxe
01:24 Hanns Feat. Lu - Chemistry
01:20 Airstream One - Southern Light
01:17 Riva Starr Feat. Imaginary - Ride This Sound
01:13 Pretty Pink Feat. Mark V - Don't Dance
01:10 Sono - Twist In My Sobriety (Sans Souci Remix Edit)
01:03 Le Roy - See The Light Ahead (Extended Mix)
00:58 Deep Dive Corp. - Guitaria
00:52 Lamb - Wonder
00:49 Alan Walker X Hans Zimmer - Time (Alan Walker Remix)
00:44 Rodg - Life Is Life (Chill Mix)
00:38 Anrey - We Are The Mirrors (Extended Mix)
00:31 Hraach Feat. Iveta Mukuchyan - Sarer Jan
00:24 Menachem 26 - Hal (Anatolian Sessions Remix)
00:21 Sum Wave - Backyard Stories
00:17 Eelke Kleijn Feat. Josha Daniel - Oscillations
00:11 Fluff - Silent Life
00:08 Lstn - Sky & Sand
00:04 Above & Beyond Feat. Zoe Johnston - Treasure
00:00 Edx - Missing
#Antenne Vorarlberg Chillout Lounge#Chillout#Lounge#Downtempo#Ambient#Trance#Deep House#2023#August 2023
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WQBY
Top 100 for the week ending February 26,2023
Back To You---Lost Frequencies, Elley Duhe, X Ambassadors
Lovesick----Alan Walker, Sophie Simmons
Unholy---Sam Smith, Kim Petras
***Heaven---Niall Horan
Reborn----SIDEPIECE, *Kyle Walker remix
Dancing's Done---Ave Max
Money On The Dash---Elley Duhe, Whetham
Red Lights----Lane 8, Emmit Fenn, *EMBRZ remix
Never Gonna Not Dance Again----Pink, *Sam Feldt remix
Lay Low----Tiesto
When I Talk---Kx5 f/ Elderbrook
You Know What I Need---PNAU, Troye Sivan
Sparks----MEDUZA, DEL-30, Mali-Koa
I Can't Wait----Tiesto, Solardo, Poppy Baskcomb
Lennon---ESSEL
Flowers---Miley Cyrus
I'm Good (Blue)----David Guetta, Bebe Rexha
10:35---Tiesto, Tate McRae
Freeze---Kygo
Out Of My Mind----Little Image
Left & Right---Ownboss, FAST BOY
Afterparty---Loud Luxury, Hook N Sling
Shut Up----Alan Walker, UPSAHL
Drifting Away---Audien, Joe Jury
Save Some Room---Shallou
I'm Not Dead Yet----Mike Posner
Rely On Me---Sigala, Gabry Pointe, Alex Gaudino
No Love For You---Regard, Drop G
Gimme That Bounce---Mau P
Forget You----FAST BOY, Topic
New Gold--Gorillaz, Tame Impala, Bootie Brown, *Dom Dolla remix
Solitude----Snakechips, BIA, Lucky Daye
Good Life---Hayden James, Emie
Tra Tra----HUGEL, BLOND:ISH, Nfasis
What A Life---John Summit, Guz, Stevie Appleton
Serotonin Moonbeams---The Blessed Madonna
How Many Tears---Kygo, Sam Felt f/ Emily Warren
High----Neil Francis, Paw Paw Rod
Show Me----John Summit, Hannah Boleyn
Wings ( I Won't Let You Down)----Armen Van Helden, Karen Harding
It's Quiet Now---Honey Dijon, Dope Earth Alien
Different Kind Of Lonely---Camp Kubrick, Don Diablo
Creppin'----Metro Blooomin, The Weeknd, 21 Savage
Bel Mercy---Jengi
Sete---BLOND:ISH, Francis Mercier, Amadou & Mariam
Anything But Wet---I. O. Lights
Chasing Shadows---Alex Warren
Koo Koo Fun----Major Lazer, Major League Djz, Tiwa Savage, DJ Maphorisa, Diplo
Blood Upon The Snow---Hozier, Bear McCreary
Heartbeat----James Arthur
Feel Alive---TELYKAST, Sky Blu
Body Breathe---LP Giobbi, Monogem
Infinity----Dubdogs, Bhaskar
***Sing Your Lullaby---R3HAB, Mike Willams
Kill Me---Alok
Pouring Rain---Guz, Camden Cox
Need Me Right---Anabel Englund
Where Do We Go From Here---Garth Emery
Be Right There---Diplo, Sleepy Tom, *HUGEL remix
Chasing Cars---Sofi Tukker
Anyway----CASH CASH W/ Ruth Anne
Pearls---Jessie Ware
Stay Above---Lukas Graham
Nervous----Joan
Whistle----Jax Jones, Calum Scott
The One----INJI
Pegasus----MEDUZA, Eli & Fur
If I Live Forever---Vintage Culture, Izzy Bizu
Something's Coming----Cheat Codes, Lady A
How To Drive---Alexander 23
Heartbreak Feels So Good----Fall Out Boy
Nervous System---JOSEPH
Ghost Again---Depeche Mode
Here----Tom Grennan
Sleepwalking----Matt Sassari, Goodboys
Hurt That You Gave Me---Cheat Codes, Brett Young
Shockwave---R3HAB, Afrojack
Just The Kinda Feeling---Yotto, Lost Boy
Borderline---Tove Lo
Firewalk---Margan Page, Lissie
Can't Tame Her---Zara Larson
If We Ever Broke Up---Mae Stephens -96
High Heels - Party Down Under---Flo Rida, Walker Hayes, Sam Feldt
Tornado---Hi-Lo, Oliver Heldens
Don't Make Me Have To Come Down There---Dolly Parton
Gimme Back My Soul---Medium Build
Running Up That Hill---Betty Who
Merchants---Sans Soucis
Who We Love---Sam Smith, Ed Sheeran
Break Up With That Guy---Virginia To Vegas
You Only Love Me---Rita Ora
Can I Get It Back---Jordana Bryant,*R3HAB remix
***Heart Want's What It Wants----Bebe Rexha
On My Mind---EDX
Loop---Martin Garrix, Dallas K, Sasha Alex Sloan
Drugs From Amsterdam---Mau P
Weekend On A Tuesday---R3HAB, Laidback Luke
Makin Time---Sultin + Shephard
Can't Change For You----Bankrol Hayden, Charlieonnafriday, Arden Jones
All Falls Down---Alonestar, Jethro Sheeran, Ed Sheeran
Gone are;
What's It Gonna Take---Cheat Codes, Michael Tenpenny Hooked (Hot Stuff)----RIKA, Galantis I'll Be Around----Elderbrook, Amtrac Let Em Go----Matt Hansen
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Keep Yourself Alive
pt. 27 // pt. 28⚛ // pt. 29
NCT Frat Social Media AU // College Athlete & Fratboy Lucas x reader
Word count: 1872ish
Warning: a little angsty, mentions of chronic pain, insecurities, kinda cringey, also text pictures meshed in with writing just a heads up
It’s not that you weren’t interested in all the hell week practices that coach planned for the swim team, in fact you were fascinated by the sets your old coach was giving out. In fact you didn’t want to be in this dark room away from everyone else out in the living room drinking, playing games, and eating all the food Johnny has painstakingly prepared. You wanted to be out there getting drunk on two cups of eggnog like Hyunjin, the friend you just barely met before leaving the swim team. But for the first time since deciding to fly across the world for college with your best friend you had to dip out of your Christmas tradition. Sure it wasn't intentional but that didn't stop the tearing feeling in the pit of your chest from blooming. You may have felt horrible physically but the mental strain of not being able to be out there performing your best attempt at normal for something that was so important was that much worse.
Were those tears wetting your cheeks? No. Those were allergies, you couldn’t be crying. Who knew pollen was so bad in the winter?
The seconds had turned into minutes and 15 minutes later you were still laying on Johnny’s bed in the dark, feeling like someone sucker punched your heart, and other parts, curled into his sheets with only the harsh light emitting from your phone screen. You had taken one of the pain meds the doctor gave you but it had yet to kick in. You should've taken it sooner, if anyone knew your body it was you and you knew you should've take it earlier, then you could stand out there and attempt normal alongside your friends. But somewhere deep down you were hoping that maybe, just maybe, you wouldn’t need some painkiller to go about mingling. Yu were wrong and now you were reaping the consequences of that decision.
But above all else, you were worried that Lucas would show up at the party while you were holed away in the fetal position in your best friend’s bed. Stupid, right? Here you were, organs cementing themselves together, and yet all you could think about was some boy you had only known for a few months. But if he showed up you knew somehow you were going to have to explain yourself, something you had been dreading since night one.
Lucas had already texted you to tell you he was running a little bit late so you had a bit of time to figure something out or get out but that was nearly 30 minutes ago; he could only be so far behind. Any minute he was bound to be walking through Johnny and Mark's front door with one of his dopey grins, scanning the room for the person who invited him and coming up empty handed.
Wow you were the worst host of all time. At least Chan and Hyunjin had each other but Lucas was on his own. Here without a host. Sure he could visit with Jaehyun or Ten but they had obviously come without him for some reason considering they all lived together.
God hold it together! If you could take exams with your survival brain activated then you could handle one boy. Too much anxiety and your brain was jumping from conclusion to conclusion, problem to problem. Organs cementing together: check. Composure melting: check.
Three sharp knocks jolted you out of your downward spiral, followed by a soft voice, “Y/n can I come in?” The soft voice that had been at the root of your anxiety.
Wow, who knew blood pressure could skyrocket that high?
“Y/n?” The question was followed by a quick ping from your phone. Quietly, wiping the few stray tears off your cheek, you looked back to the harsh screen.
It only took a few moments for the door to slowly creak open, the glow from all the Christmas lights in the living room casting a soft light across Johnny's bed. In that time you managed to suck in a few deep breaths and zip up your pants, wearing jeans with this bloat was not a good idea.
He was quiet, sinking into the other half of the bed while you laying on the other side facing away. Too quiet. The silence was making you nervous.
Then there was another ping at your phone. Sending a vibration through your hand: what was he doing?
You let out a bleat of laughter, what was he doing?
There was another moment of uncomfortable silence, you smiling into your phone screen as he tried to find more ways to make you laugh again, before he finally asked, out loud this time: "Is it your thingy?" His voice wasn't too far from yours and you could tell he was still sitting from the dip in the mattress.
"My thingy?"
"You know that thing you had surgery for? Does it hurt?"
You flipped over to look at him, even though you could barely see him with the dim lighting, the only glow coming from the cracks under the door and between the curtains. "You mean my appendix? Did you already forget everything I taught you?" You laughed with a soft smile that you hoped he could hear in your tone.
In the darkness, his eyes search the room for yours landing only on your blurry dark outline. "Yeah your aerobics."
"Appendix." You corrected, another smile cracking through your self-wallowing.
There were two ways this could go over. You could lie, say it is the appendix that in all honesty hadn't hurt much since you got it out, the doctor said something about a high pain tolerance, or you could tell the truth and face the thing you have been dreading most since spending more time with him. He deserved the truth.
"Um not quite," your tone was hesitant and slow, though it wasn't him bolting you were afraid of it, it was you. "I uh, I am in pain right now. Actually, um, I’m in pain a lot of the time." You felt a hot tear slip down your cheek, dammit not again. "And it's uh, it's why I ran away from you on Halloween and, um, it's why I have to cancel a lot of our plans."
He was quiet across from you but you could feel his hand searching across the blankets for something, maybe yours?
"I'm so sorry. You came for a Christmas party and I'm crying to you in my best friend's bed." Wow what a catch. "If you wanna leave it's ok, I understand."
"Nah, I think I'll just chill in here with you," he laid down next to you, finally finding your hand and fitting it into his. "And anyway Mark is out there yelling about a journalist turned babysitter turned tutor turned princess teaching a prince about quote true christmas spirit, so I'd rather be in here."
"That's an iconic Christmas movie, watch your words Yukhei." You chastised playfully, wiping away your tears with the back of your hand. The warmth from his hand was eating away at some of the anxiety, though you were still trembling.
"Ah yeah, did I say boring, I meant super interesting and exciting," he grinned, replacing your hand with his own to wipe your tears. What the hell? "Watching anything with you is exciting." When did he get this smooth?
"Yeah whatever. I know for a fact you fell asleep in Mathilda too." As cheesy as he was, this tall star basketball player was making your heart race so fast it felt like it was about to escape from your chest.
"Hey I came from practice, it's not my fault coach took all our energy!"
You swatted playfully at him as the conversation lulled, because despite the laughter and his hand, all those negative thoughts were still swirling around in the back of your head eager to rear their face. Muttering, almost too soft for him to hear you choked out, "I'm sorry I can't be what you want."
"What? Who told you that?" He rolled over to face you, even though he couldn't see you all that clearly. "I've been trying to tell you for weeks now that I like you. If only you didn't change the subject right away. Y/n I like you. I like you a lot. Honestly I liked you that first night at Halloween when you were rambling about the night sky and all your dreams. I didn't expect to actually talk to someone at that party but then there you were on the couch, critiquing Doyoung’s music but also dancing to it and enjoying yourself?"
A blush spread through your cheeks and down your neck, leaving fire in its path. "Oh God, I was really high on halloween and a little drunk. I hope I wasn't too harsh on the critiques, though I should’ve known it was Doyoung. The music was pretty run of the mill. I mean Ariana Grande remixes? Seriously, what kind of party is that?" They're was a long pause that you felt the need to cover up with a quick justification "that wasn't a rhetorical--"
"--can I kiss you?"
He was facing you, you could tell by his soft breath and how he seemed to fold into you. "Why?" Good god if your friends could hear you right now evading again, they would smack you.
"Because I like you!" When you tried to protest, he just tutted and repeated, "I like you, even if you are in pain."
Oh that's why you were so nervous, hearing that. Also you could feel the soft outline of his lips lightly brushing yours, combine that with the fact that the tether to your pain seemed to be loosening up as the painkillers kicked in. You would never feel perfect but this did give you enough of a confidence boost to close the gap, kissing him like your very life depended on it. This boy, those lips, these feelings; they would be the death of you.
Pulling away to catch your breath, unable to form the words you wanted too, you knew you weren't done explaining yourself. There was more to your pain, more to apologize for how you let your fear dictate your time with him. "I need to tell you first, when I say I'm in pain I don't mean like some achy broad pain. I ran away on Halloween because a lot of the time sex hurts and my high was fading and I knew I couldn't stay. It was already a bad decision but I just wanted to feel like a regular kid and you were so nice, a little dopey with that fake blonde wig but still really hot. What I'm trying to say is: it's not just my head or my stomach, it's those parts too. The parts that we started with. And those are important to people. And I like you, I like you so much but I'm not some normal girl. There are going to be days when I can't leave the bed or can't go out with you or be, um, intimate with you and there might be a lot of those days. I have some baggage that's a little more physical so if you wanna bolt I get it. You probably want someone who can do everything you want, so this is me showing you the door." You made a broad gesture to sweep to the door. These were your fears laying out for him to see if he looked close enough. Maybe you weren't enough for him or anyone for that matter.
"Nah, I think I'll stay here. Maybe I can ask Johnny if he's got Mathilda around here so I can finally watch it all."
Keep Yourself Alive
pt. 27 // pt. 28⚛ // pt. 29
NCT Frat Social Media AU // College Athlete & Fratboy Lucas x reader
summary: College is hard enough, right? Coursework, two jobs, a social life, and the state of your mental health. As if that was enough now the school’s no.1 athlete won’t leave you alone after a one night stand. And maybe you like him back but you have a tendency to run when life gets too difficult especially now that undiagnosed chronic pain just seems to be getting worse with each passing month.
(I am not to happy with this chapter so I might come back and edit and revise. It just feels too gloom and doom for me. Let me know what you think. That’s for waiting for the update! And thanks for reading. There is only like one or two more actual chapters and then an epilogue.)
Taglist: @princeofshenzhenuwus @hannahdinse8 @wongassride @cowward @sakura-uji
#nct imagines#nct social media au#nct xuxi#lucas nct#lucas nct imagines#wayv yukhei#wayv imagines#wayv social media au#wayv x reader#lucas wong imagines#wong yukhei#yukhei imagines#yukhei x reader
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2020 English Playlist
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL77pv5URcE8ZBT4DTVUYXWSn9BPeC4JOL
In English:
100 Ways - Jackson Wang
21 - Gracie Abrams
88rising
♪ from their album Head in the Clouds ♬
History
La Cienega
♪ from their album Head in the Clouds II ♬
2 the Face
La La Lost You
Need Is Your Love
Aliso - Dylan Jordan
A Little Messed Up - June
All the Stars - Kendrick Lamar & SZA
All You Need to Know - Gryffin & Slander & Calle Lehmann
Are You Bored Yet? - Wallows & Clairo
Ariana Grande
Goodnight n Go
Stuck with U
♪ from her album Positions ♬
Just Like Magic
Motive
Positions
At Least I Look Cool - Sasha Sloan
Au/ra
Broken
Ideas
Ava Max
Kings & Queens
Slow Dance
BØRNS
American Money
Faded Heart
Past Lives
Baby I’m Yours - Arctic Monkeys
Backyard Boy - Claire Rosinkranz
Bad - Lennon Stella
Bad Idea - pxzvc & Shiloh Dynasty
Bad Ideas - Tessa Violet
Bedsheets - Tia
Be Okay - Jordan Fisher
Blackbear
♪ from his album everything means nothing ♬
Half Alive
If I Were U
me & ur ghost
Queen of Broken Hearts
Boy Pablo
Beach House
Dance, Baby!
Hey Girl
Breaking Me - Topic & A7S
Breathe Again - Corbyn
Bright Side of the Moon - Christian French
Broken Hearts - Davai & Lovespeake
Broken Record - Golden
Busy - Axel Mansoor
Call - Ocean Heights
Cancer - Twenty One Pilots
Candy Choppa - Warrenisyellow & Chasu
Cardiac Arrest - Bad Suns
Carsick - Maro
Cheat Codes
Between Our Hearts
Stay
Choke - I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME
Cigarettes - Carlie Hanson
Clean - Hey Violet
Cologne - Alec Wigdahl
Come Through - Eric Nam
Conan Gray
♪ from his album Kid Krow ♬
Affluenza
Checkmate
Comfort Crowd
Fight or Flight
Little League
Wish You Were Sober
Cool Out - Imagine Dragons
Cutepink - Lukey & Raphael
Daddy Issues - The Neighbourhood
Daydreamer - Kidsnot$aints
dhruv
Double Take
Moonlight
Doin’ Time - Lana Del Rey
Do You Love Me - Stephanie Poetri
Dreams Where Ur Murdered - X Lovers
Drunk Me - Davin Kingston
Dua Lipa
Un Dia (One Day)
♪ from her album Future Nostalgia ♬
Break My Heart
Love Again
Far Away - Qaayel, Cnebce
Far Away - Utah & Kyl
Fletcher
♪ from her album The S(ex) Tapes ♬
If I Hated You
Shh… Don’t Say It
Silence
The One
Free Love - Honne
Gallant
♪ from his album Sweet Insomnia ♬
Compromise
Sweet Insomnia
Get You - Daniel Caesar & Kali Uchis
Golden Dandelions - Barns Courtney
Halsey
Be Kind
Graveyard
Harry Styles
♪ from his album Fine Line ♬
Sunflower, Vol. 6
Watermelon Sugar
Heat Waves - Glass Animals
Hell and High Water - Major Lazer & Diplo & Alessia Cara
Holiday - Lil Nas X
Homage - Mild High Club
Honey - Tyler Sellers
Hot Tub Dream Machine - Tobi Lou
Hummingbird - Mark Diamond
Hush - Ricky Himself & Kailee Morgue
I Don’t Know Why (Ellis Remix) - NOTD & Astrid S & Ellis
I Don’t Want No Champagne - Chimmi
i go high, you go low - Matt Sato
ily (I Love You Baby) - Surf Mesa & Emilee
Intentions - Justin Bieber & Quavo
Isaac Dunbar
God, This Feels Good
Intimate Moments
Miss America
Woman On the Hills
♪ from his album Isaac’s Insects ♬
Comme Des Garcons
Makeup Drawer
Scorton’s Creek
Jaden
♪ from his album CTV3: Cool Tape Vol. 3 ♬
Everything
Falling for You
LUCY!
Joji
♪ from his album Nectar ♬
Daylight
Gimme Love
Pretty Boy
Run
July on Film - Zeauxi
Just Buried! - iamnotshane
Justice Carradine
Limbo
Necessary Evil
K/DA
♪ from their album All Out ♬
More
Villain
Keshi
Don’t Leave
♪ from his album always ♬
Always
Drunk
Khalid
Be Like That
Off the Grid
Suncity
Lauv
Mine (You Can’t Find Love in Mollywood)
Slow Grenade
Who
Little Mix
♪ from their album Confetti ♬
Not a Pop Song
Sweet Melody
Loneliness for Love - lovelytheband
Lonely - Finding Hope
Lostboycrow
Candy Wine
Devil’s in the Backseat
The World’s Always Been Ending
Lotus Inn - Why Don’t We
Love Birds - wimp
Love in My Pocket - Rich Brian & Eaj
Love Lost - Harbour
Love Me Like a Friend - Fly By Midnight
Mad at Disney - Salem Ilese
Madison Beer
All Day and Night
Hurts Like Hell
Selfish
Magic in the Hamptons - Lil Yachty & Social House
MAX
Naked
Take Over
♪ from his album Colour Vision ♬
Blueberry Eyes
New Life
Working for the Weekend
Medicine - Shawn Wasabi & Tia Scola
Monsta X
♪ from their album All About Luv ♬
Got My Number
Happy Without Me
Love U
Moonmap - Meego
My Favourite Clothes - Rini
Natalie Don’t - Raye
Neon Trees
♪ from their album I Can Feel You Forgetting Me ♬
New Best Friend
Nights
New Hope Club
Paycheck
Worse
♪ from their album New Hope Club ♬
Flight Away
Just to Find Love
Know Me Too Well
Remember
We Broke Up in a Dream
Next to You - Becky G & Digital Farm Animals & Rvssian
Nico Collins
Happy?
Our Way Out
We’ll Never Make It
Niki
Dancing with the Devil
I Like U
Spell
Sugarplum Elegy
Vintage
♪ from her album Moonchild ♬
Nightcrawlers
Plot Twist
Tide
Ok On Your Own - mxmtoon & Carly Rae Jepsen
Older - Shallou & Daya & Felix Cartal
On the Low - Justin Park
Paradise - Lil Uzi Vert
Paragraphs - Luke Chiang
Peach Tree Rascals
Mariposa
Not Ok
Pink Sweat$
At My Worst
Icy
Play Date - Melanie Martinez
Post Malone (GATTUSO Remix) - Sam Feldt & RANI
Pure Imagination - Unclenathannn & Shiloh Dynasty
Quinn XCII
♪ from his album A Letter To My Younger Self ♬
Coffee
Sleep While I Drive
R3HAB
Am I the Only One
Dream of You
Make Friends
One More Dance
Whiplash
Rabbit Hole - AViVA
Real Love - Rei Brown
Rockets - Waki
Ruel
Empty Love
Up to Something
Runaway - Tiffany Young & Babyface
San Francisco - Galantis & Sofia Carson
Scrambled - Havelock
Selena Gomez
Boyfriend
It Ain’t Me
Shawn Mendes
♪ from his album Wonder ♬
305
Teach Me How to Love
Someone Else - Duncan Laurence
Space Makes Me Sad - Fiji Blue
Splash - Public
Star City Cafe - Hevel & Evito
Stay with Me - ayokay & Jeremy Zucker
Sunlight - Maty Noyes
Surf. - Wave to Earth
Take Yourself Home - Troye Sivan
Tell Me U Luv Me - Juice WRLD & Trippie Red
Therefore I Am - Billie Eilish
The Vamps
Burn
Hair Too Long
Part of Me
Tiffany Day
Clout Chaser
Commitment Issues
Gonna Be Okay
Time Flies - Drake
Tomorrow Tonight - Loote
Up All Night - Clevt
ur just a fan - Suggi
Watching You Walk Away - Stephen Puth
Will Jay
♪ from his album Perfectionist ♬
Must Be Nice
Talking to Myself
Writing a Song Pt. 1
Yellow Roses - Charlie Powers
Young Heart - Kara Marni & Russ
Zayn
Rumors
Scripted
In Spanish:
Clandestina - FILV & Edmofo & Emma Petersz
Electronic:
Howls Moving Castle - Theodor Ellefsen
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TOP SONGS OF 2020 WRITE UP!
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6WDeuRMOV8neAhU2zd193d?si=lZ9gDIp0TsCCEOeCS7_QGw
1. I remember everything - John Prine
I was going to write an incredibly earnest and long review of this song that outlined just how much John Prine meant to me. I can’t really do it and I think this song probably says enough alone. With only a few chords he always manages to express all the little things that make love what it is, all different kinds of love. Long lasting, short moments, love with places, sounds, going places and staying home, endless family ties, and the often fragile but in the end tenable love between all human beings in the face of catastrophe. The pandemic stole a lot of things from a lot of people this year, including John Prine, but he will remain one of the greatest songwriters of all time and his songs will live on forever.
2. Dream Palette - Yves Tumor
I can’t drive but let’s pretend I’m driving, I’m in LA and it’s night time or something, my elbow’s out the window, don’t know why I’m wearing sunglasses, this song comes on the radio, I’m the coolest person alive.
3. Boylife in EU- Yung Lean
Not to repeat my review of Garden but when the chorus comes I feel like I’m on top of a really big hill and its pouring it down with rain and im screaming but this time its because of a no-deal Brexit.
4. Garden- Joseph Futak
My review was already used as part of Joe’s promo campaign and it said: “feel like im on top of a really big hill and its pouring it down with rain and I’m screaming when the drums come in x x”
5. Circle the Drain- Soccer Mommy
I like this song because I too, am often alone in my room, and I have also become obsessed with subtle breakbeats to an extent where people around me have become very bored of the subject.
6. The Brothers William Said- The Innocence Mission
I listened to this song over and over when I was travelling round London in January just after my birthday, it felt like I’d been listening to it for years, like it was in a movie I’d forgotten. It felt at the time like I was saying a lot of goodbyes, recognising that things weren’t really like they used to be.
7. On the Floor- Perfume Genius
Say it with me ladies: I CROSS OUT HIS NAME ON THE PAGE!!!!
8. Shameika- Fiona Apple
She may not believe it but I bet Fiona Apple looked tough with a riding crop.
9. Song for Our Daughter- Laura Marling
Everything about this is fantastic, mellow and bright at the same time. Every part is brought forward individually and no part of this song gets left behind. A stunning vocal from Laura Marling and purposeful lyrics set to a cinematically emotive instrumental. Pure magic as always.
10. Building site outside- Piglet
Not going to lie, I was in a very vulnerable emotional state when I listened to this song for the first time, but I think that makes it no less powerful and just, sad. The lyric ‘she smiled at me so much last time’ is just so simple and devastating that you forget this would’ve been on every indie film soundtrack from 2000-2008 if Piglet was an industry plant.
11. I wonder- Shamir
One word: EPIC
12. Crimson Tide- Destroyer
Listened to this every time I came on my period this year.
13. In the Dining Room - Joe Pera talks with you
Adam showed me Joe Pera when I really felt incredibly sad at the very beginning of this year. It’s a show that’s made me feel good, no matter the circumstances. This moment in the show made me smile, and I love hearing Gene come in a bit too early.
14. Stupid Love- Lady Gaga
Shakin my little booty in the kitchen to this x
15. Might bang, might not- Little Simz
Livid we didn’t all get to go to End of the Road and see all the hot dad’s loving Little Simz.
16. Fire- Waxahatchee
A truly insane vocal. I listened to this song on my way to work almost every day from September to December and fantasised singing back up at some kind of outdoor gig in the summer and it made everything significantly less bleak.
17. Hannah Sun- Lomelda
This song is too nice and genuine for me to say anything other than, “really lovely song :)”.
18. Scroll of Sorrow- Machine Girl, guayaba
Listened to this a lot this year while sitting on my kitchen floor staring into an empty oven, wondering if I was ever going to go to a party again.
19. Build a nest- Jeff and Ruby Parker
Have put this on in the flat because the guitar solo reminds me of everything my dad listens to at home. A really great piece of music that kicks off a really exciting album.
20. Kiss me thru the phone- That Kid
Ned said yesterday that he thought it was funny how much the original of this song is so foundational to hyper pop and I agree. Also I’ve started saying ‘Bitch’ like That Kid does every time I stub my toe.
21. Cuckoo- Sam Amidon
I am punting down a creek, looking in the branches that hang over the water for the bird that shall lead me to my next clue.
22. Places/ Plans- Skullcrusher
Used this song to comfort myself in moments where I also just don’t understand why I’m not famous.
23. Sweetjoy- Jam City
Finally….. HAIM for dudes.
24. Clean Living- Slow Weather
I saw someone listening to this on the side of my Spotify so I decided to give it a go and it was a fantastic decision. It’s mental that half of this song is an outro.
25. Summer All Over- Blake Mills
Along with the music video visuals and the dampened piano tone, this wins the competition for least summer-y song with the actual word summer in the title.
26. Ready Cheeky Pretty- CHAI
All of my joy this year has been brought to me by CHAI. I have nothing negative to say about CHAI. If you have anything negative to say about CHAI you’re gonna have to go through me.
27. Diaphanous- Land of Talk
This band was recommended to me by a guy I was trying to flirt with at rough trade east but everything closed before I could impress him by saying ‘I think they’re really cool’.
28. Anything - Adrianne Lenker
Anyone who has ever attempted to write a song with me knows how much I simply love rhyming. Seriously though, every thing rhymes, brilliant stuff. (It’s also such a brilliantly full and constant song that still manages to move and remain exciting from start to finish. I imagine this is partially due to Adrianne Lenker’s almost nursery rhyme- esque structure and also due to her beautifully colloquial approach to family dynamics.)
29. Blow- Dj Gigola, Kev Koko
This song makes me wish I was Jason Bourne- just wanna jump really far while something explodes behind me.
30. Money Can’t Buy- Yaeji, Nappy Nina
‘Well I’ll buy some Yaeji tickets, they’re for NOVEMBER, there’s NO WAY they’re gonna get cancelled’.
31. Only the Truth- Johanna Warren
When I first listened to this song I felt like I was floating in the ocean looking up at the stars as the drums came in on ‘what more can I do’. An incredibly beautiful and careful song.
32. Gasoline- Haim
2020 could probably be summarised with the phrase ‘WHY AM I NO LONGER IN CALIFORNIA? WHY DID I LEAVE CALIFORNIA?’ And this song is the 3 minutes 13 seconds seconds of escapism I needed to not topple into a full spiral.
33. Mapuu - Ic3peak
No one can convince me that Ic3peak are real people. They are a collective made up of child ghosts.
34. Don’t Worry- Bladee
Whenever I have an anxiety attack in the night I wake up and see Bladee’s ghost of the future over my bed, he says ‘Don’t worry’ and mumbles for a bit as I fall back into a peaceful sleep.
35. The biggest tits in history- The magnetic fields
The most relatable magnetic fields song imo.
36. Sand Castle- nijuu
Yujin is a genius and my answer is yes, I do want to just walk for a while.
37. Curl Up- Darren Hayman
Ned reminded me how much I used to love Darren Hayman, and both of them have been a pretty big part of my year.
38. When Will Death Come- Sarah Mary Chadwick
‘Wow, mental voice’ - Ned, while doing the washing up.
39. Dear Dad - Sylvie Wiley
‘But I didn’t cry, you’d be proud’ Sylvie, I’m weeping forever.
40. 34+35- Ariana Grande
Hehehehehehehehehe
41. Garden Song- Phoebe Bridgers
Phoebe Bridgers is a pretty unparalleled lyricist and this song feels like a disconnected series of thoughts that somehow all make sense together and come to create something that doesn’t build, but all just kind of sits? What I’m trying to say is that I don’t really know what she’s talking about but like, I get it.
42. Ringtone (remix) - 100 gecs, Charli xcx, Kero Kero Bonito, Rico Nasty,
I love the way it sounds like everyone got just one take and had to improvise all the lyrics but it still bangs.
43. Changer- Andy Shauf
Thank you lord for another album about a smaller than average man overthinking all of his social interactions with lots of lovely clarinet parts.
44. What’s your pleasure - Jessie Ware
My pleasure jessie? Probably just sitting by the fire with a tough crossword and a glass of merlot x
45. Slime- Shygirl
Shygirl’s series of singles this year made me even more livid that I had to take out my eyebrow piercing for my new job this year.
46. Sears Tower- Salem
Perfect halloween release.
47. Title track- happyness
Ned turned to me and said: ‘so is their new thing that they sound like Elliot Smith’ and I said: ‘and that’s a bad thing?’
48. Cross-sound ferry (walk on ticket) - Hamilton Leithauser
Have found unbelievable joy in chopping veg and shouting GREEEEEEEN PORT, NEEEEEEWWWW YOOORK alone in my kitchen.
49. Lowswimmer- Hailaker
I’ve loved hearing Jemima’s voice when I haven’t got to see her much this year. I normally take the piss out of the Hambledon line but I haven’t seen that this year really either. I guess we find sentimentality in strange places.
50. XS - Rina Sawayama
This song made me feel very decadent on those days where I didn’t wash.
51. Emily- Clem Snide
Let’s be more kind and brave in the face of it all.
52. Building a fire- Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy
P.O.V you’re doing bushcraft in the garden with your husband Bonnie Prince Billy and he’s here to protect you.
53. Asexual Wellbeing- Okay Kaya
This song absolutely bangs but I am truly bewildered by the way they singled out the line ‘if they could put a pulse into a spinach leaf, can they turn the two of us into a tree?’ in the production as if that was a true piece of genius. As I say great tune tho.
54. Anthems- Charli xcx
The soundtrack to couch to 5k
55. Never Better- Kitty Fitz
A SE London queen bringing us huge pop tunes in 2020. So so excited to see what 2021 brings us from Kitty, she’s gonna be a real force!
56. Deep in Love- Bonny Light Horsemen
This is such a delightful song which (mainly due to the time I actually got around to listening to the whole record) for me really rang in the spring. A beautifully recorded testament to the feeling of love getting stronger meaning you have a lot more to lose.
57. Malibu- Kim Petras
My song of the summer, made me feel like I was at the beach when really I was in Lewisham.
58. Like I’m Winning it- Girlpool
I’m so delighted that the turn girlpool have made this year is towards dramatic goth music with breakbeats. Their voices both sound amazing and they look simply incredible.
59. Azad- Frazey Ford
I have no idea what she’s saying as always but I love it.
60. Helio- Charlotte Dos Santos
I’m literally so excited for what Charlotte Dos Santos is gonna put out next. The production is fantastic and her aesthetics are flawless.
61. Lost in the Country- Trace Mountains
‘I checked my email twice as I cried’. Safe to say we’ve all been there this year amirite girlies x
62. Unfold You- Rostam
I hated this at first, I thought, what’s this lo-fi beats to study to shit, but it’s now my classic ‘I’m just gonna pop to the shops, anyone want anything? x’ song. Huge.
63. Oh Yeah- A.G cook
One of 2020s realisations is that me and A.G Cook kind of look like we could be cousins.
64. Can’t cool me down- Car Seat Headrest
I would like to personally thank will Toledo for giving me a tune that got me off my ass when I was too warm to do exercise this summer.
65. Take back the radio- Katy J Paerson
In love with Katy J Pearson’s voice and the way this song builds. Just pretty flawless and feel good in my opinion. I think she’s such an exciting new artist who’s gonna be around for a very very long time.
66. Good Woman- The Staves
‘I’m a good woman’… speak for yourselves.
67. A Little Love- Jack Francis
Feel like I’ve been singing this song for about 5 years! It’s amazing and I’m so excited about what Jack’s going to bring out in 2021, he’s a genius and also the nicest man on the planet.
68. Lullaby No.4 - Snailbeach
This song makes me feel like I’m being hypnotised on a haunted carousel in a very relaxing way.
69. Boyfriend in every city- Roma Radz
Sucks that she can’t see any of her boyfriends cos of covid :(
70. Jaja ding dong- Will Ferrell
Get back in there and play Jaja Ding Dong !!!!
71. Highway- Jonatan leandoer96
Man, would be pretty sick to have 20 boys outside the club but alas the clubs are dead and I’ve only regularly texted about 4 people this year.
72. De nadie- Kali Uchis
Felt v sexy listening to this for the first time in a Morley’s in Honor Oak.
73. Weird Fishes- Lianne La Havas
This album was a pretty triumphant return for Lianna La Havas and me teenage self simply couldn’t be happier.
74. Micro Creature- Aya Gloomy
Love that despite everything about this song telling me otherwise, that the artwork for this single looks like Aya Gloomy is just chilling in the fields by my family home in Hampshire.
75. Si Ella Sale- Bad Bunny
Better get on the duolingo now if I’m gonna know what this guy’s saying at Porto next year.
76. Through my sails- Mountain Man
Truly gentle reimagining of an already incredibly beautiful song, mountain man make every word seem new!
77.Christmas Day (get me outta this funk) - Baggio and Blue 5 Years- Bath days
In joint 77th place are two banging Christmas songs that have soundtracked a pretty bleak Christmas period and have made me feel pretty joyous in their ways, despite one literally being called Blue Five Years.
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Poppy’s extraordinary playlist
As you can see, it’s a crossover fanfiction ( TrollsxZEP AU). I wrote it because my English teacher said that I should write stories to train my language skills (I have a really big problem with past tenses). So... I decided to write this. It’s also a story I promised to write for my best friend (yep, I mean you, @livinginithilien-blog). Please, don’t take it seriously I’m just learning English XD I’ve decided to publish it cause it’s a really cringing and funny idea.
So... Let’s start?
_________________________________________________________
Chapter 1
Sun was rising. Birds were singing. Whole Trolls Village started the day like always, humming morning songs and making streets full of colors, smiles, and laughs. Days like this made Poppy feel she was the perfect Queen in the happiest place ever. She could make every single troll happy, wasn’t it the best proof?
- Sup, Pops - she heard a familiar voice, so she turned around to find out which of her friends it was. Poppy smiled when her eyes lied on an orange-hair red-skin troll.
- What’s up, DJ? It’s really surprising to see you up your feet this early.
DJ chuckled.
- You mean 9 am?
- Yea - Poppy smiled wider.
- Oh girl, is it that bad with me? - she asked, rubbing her bit blurry eyes and then yawned loudly.
Poppy giggled. She called all of her friends from the Snack Pack ‘besties” but if she had to point the closest one, it would be DJ Suki. She was always chill the peaceful and kinda tired whole time. But the most important for Poppy was the fact that she treated her so… normally. She could forget about being Queen and felt truly like a regular troll from the Village with her.
- Oh man, yesterday there was a really huge party and I hosted it the whole fricking night - DJ started tiredly, out of nowhere.
- I know, Suki, I was there - Poppy smiled. - I even talked with you once and brought you a drink while you were remixing this funny song about muffins.
DJ looked at her really confused. But then she smiled too, facepalming.
- I forgot... I really forgot! - DJ chuckled. - I Just played music the whole night. I was, you know, on the...
-... DJ wave - Poppy interrupted her doing wave by her arm. They laughed so loud.
- You're really good at it - Poppy added.
- Thank you! Wanna hear my brand new song? - she started out of nowhere as usual, excitedly clenching fists.
- You made a New song?? How did you find time to do it? - Poppy was really impressed.
- Oh well - DJ waved one hand. - You know... Anywhere. During the parties for example. Anyway, I was soo ecstatic to show you this one! That's why I woke up so early to catch you before your Queen’s routine. So! We have to go to my pod till...
- Good morning, my ladies - They heard the voice behind them. It was Creek. DJ clenched her teeth.
- Too late - She whispered quietly so Poppy couldn't hear it. Before Pink troll could ask what she said, she felt gently kiss on her cheek.
- Mornin, sweetie - Creek smiled mildly.
- Mornin, honey - Poppy smiled back.
- What are you doing? - He started, forgetting about greeting DJ Suki. But also she looked kinda glad about it.
- Just walking and talking. Kinda normal morning - Poppy answered. - I’ve been thinking about visiting my dad lately.
- Oh, we can do it now if you don't mind it.
- No, it's a lovely idea! - Poppy beamed.
- Go without me. I... I'm tired, I'll catch a nap - DJ said tiredly and then started walking faster through her pod.
- I'll meet you later? - Poppy just shouted cause DJ was now too for asking about... whatever was wrong with her.
- Sure! I'll be in the pod all day! - She screamed back and went away.
- I feel like she doesn't like me - Creek said sadly, holding her hand.
- No, I think she just wanted to show me something. Don't worry, she's DJ Suki! I'm sure she's just tired after yesterday's party.
Creek nodded his head.
- Yea, It was HUGE!
- Yes, it is! - Poppy smiled widely. She squeezed his hand and felt as he squeezed her back. She took a deep breath just enjoying the day. It was just another perfect, lazy morning in her perfect, happy life. And there was nothing that could destroy it.
* * *
Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap...
- Queen Poppy. Can you just stop tapping on my desk for a sec?
Poppy stopped confusedly, placing her hands on her knees.
- Thank you - Doctor said and looked back at papers he read.
Poppy had never been in the hospital before. There was so white, so quiet and so tension. She wished she didn't have to go here again. She was just waiting till the doctor would say her dad’s ok and it was just normal fainting during the walking just because he’s old and he gets tired faster than before. She was sure that, King Peppy was such a very strong troll, and going with him to the hospital wasn’t really necessary.
- So - Poppy jumped on her seat when the doctor suddenly started talking. - I should begin with: That hadn't been just normal fainting as I Thought before X-ray and MRI.
Poppy gulped, which sounded so loud in the big empty doctor's cabinet. The doctor put papers on the desk, split hands, and looked straight in her pink eyes.
- I need to be honest with you, Queen Poppy - she said calmer. - Your dad has a tumor in his brain and there's nothing we can do about it. It's just too late. We can only make him stay alive with chemotherapy, but you have to prepare yourself for his... Passing away.
Poppy had just a blank face. She didn't know what she could say, do, or even think.
- I know how hard it is for you - Doctor tried to lift her spirit a bit up. - The good thing is that you have lots of time to spend with your dad and say goodbye to him. I'm sure he will live for a whole year, maybe a bit more. Till then, he has to stay here, we'll give him medicines. We have to start chemotherapy as fast as it’s possible. And don’t worry about visiting - you can come here every time you need.
Poppy stayed quiet. It was too much, too early, too unexpected... She stared at one point with a blank mind and a fast-beating heart.
- There's also one important thing you should do - The doctor took some other papers and started writing. When she finished she gave them to Poppy with a serious face.
- This is an agreement for an X-ray and MRI for you. There is a big chance that you have a tumor too and this time we have to know it faster.
Poppy set her eyes on the paper in her hand. She felt bile on her tongue.
- Can you give me a claim that You'll do it? - Doctor asked.
Poppy nodded slowly.
- Yes - she said gulping loudly. - Yes, I'll do.
After she left the doctor's cabinet she saw Creek who was waiting for her in the hall. He went toward her as he saw her.
- Is everything ok? - He asked holding her arm with his hands and trying to catch her empty sight.
- No - she said calmly. - No, nothing’s ok.
She felt his arm on her back as he hugged her tightly. She didn't see anything at this moment, didn't think anything and didn't feel. She just didn't understand. Why? Why did this happen? Why her father?
It was just unfair.
For some reason, she didn't want to talk about it with Creek. She told him of course but didn't want to talk. She just didn't let herself feel or think about her dad till she did X-ray and MRI. So it was the only thing she wanted to do after talking with a doctor.
While she was walking with Creek through the hospital hall looking for an X-ray room, she noticed that there was so dark even though it was the middle of the day. She took a look through the window and saw that rain was pouring heavily. It made her feel even more blue and empty, cause in the Trolls Village it's barely raining.
They found an MRI room first so Poppy decided to go there before X-ray. She desperately wanted to put it behind her as fast as possible. The white, violet-hair troll in the MRI room was really nice. He described everything she had to know about MRI and guided through the machine. Finally, when she lay down on the white table, he showed her big red headphones, looking exactly like the Suki's one.
- It’s really loud in there. I can put on some music for you. Wanna?
Poppy sighed. She wasn’t in the happy-pop-music mood.
- Ok - She answered. - But please, put something calm.
He smiled giving her headphone and then looking at his Phone.
- Do you like the piano? Just the piano?
- It would be perfect. Thanks.
He left her alone in the room and after a brief while the table where she lay started moving into a big, white, donut-shaped machine. She heard smooth piano sounds but still felt bad and kinda dizzy because of feelings and thoughts she was trying to hide so hard. She closed her eyes and tried to let the music calm her.
The machine trembled. She opened her eyes only to see that everything was shaking. She heard muffled sounds, but she couldn’t recognize any of them. She wanted to take off the headphone but then when she got her hands up to ears she was blinded by the white light. She closed tight her eyes. She desperately squeezed her head trying to stop seeing a really bright light. The head started filling with sounds, voices, and screams. She was terrified.
But then everything just stopped and she woke up outside the machine lying on the white table. She was breathing hard. She threw her eyes in every direction trying to understand what had just happened.
- Everything’s okay? - She heard the violet-hair troll voice.
But no, there was nothing ok in there.
- Yea... - She breathed quietly.
- I’m not sure what’s happened in there - He said ribbing his neck. - I saw something during the process, but maybe it was just my imagination. ... But you look really terrified. Are you sure everything’s alright?
She was silent for a while, trying to gather the thought and feelings.
- What did you see? - She asked, ignoring his question.
- I saw... Kinda... lightning hitting the MRI machine? But I’m sure it was only my imagination. I guess...
He looked really worried. She wanted to show him that she felt good and there was nothing wrong with what he did so she sat on the table and took off the headphone smiling as wide as she could at that moment.
- It’s ok - She said. - I’m ok. But... The MRI is done?
- Oh, yea, of course, I’ll give you CD, gimme a sec - And then he ran into the computer lab where he was during the MRI process.
She left this room with a weird feeling. But the X-ray went without any problem so she could come back to the doctor cabinet faster than she’d thought. But still, she couldn’t forget about the MRI.
The doctor took the CDs from her and started to open it on the computer and print the most important ones to show Poppy later. Queen waited patiently, but couldn’t stand the silence in the small white room anymore. So she decided to talk with the doctor.
- How is it? - She asked out of nowhere.
The doctor looked at her confused.
- How is what?
- Being a doctor. You know, helping trolls every day is really... making you happy, I guess? I love helping trolls with their problems! It’s like...
- I’m sorry, Queen Poppy. I can see your point, but being a doctor is not the same as Being Queen.
Poppy stopped for a sec surprised but her answer.
- So... How is it? - She asked again, not knowing what kind of answer she could expect.
Doctor sighed.
- You know every day is like...
And then she stopped. She looked like thinking a lot so Poppy let them stay in silence for a minute, hoping that She answered soon. But suddenly she heard gently piano music. She turned around to find where the music was coming from but there was nothing but a doctor’s desk and the computer. She wondered whether the doctor played the music from the computer to make the vibe or something like that. But it seemed absurd and pathetic. Even trolls didn’t do that in the middle of the hospital, especially the doctor, who was a really serious person. Poppy looked at her trying to find out if she really played this music from the computer, but she was really focused on her thought. And then, making Poppy surprised, the doctor started to sing:
Hello Darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
- Emm... Excuse me? - Poppy was seriously confused, but the doctor evidently ignored her.
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
The doctor stood up from the chair and dancing slowly she came to the window behind her.
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence
- Ms. Doctor... - Poppy stood up to and went toward the doctor, but she behaved like she didn’t see the queen and didn’t even hear her. She continued singing, looking sadly through the window at the trolls walking around the street:
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence
After the last line of the song she came back to her desk and sat down at the computer. Then she noticed Poppy wasn’t on her chair and started turning around just to find her standing by the window.
- What are you doing here? - the doctor asked her like she wasn’t there a few moments ago.
- What am I doing here? What were YOU doing here! I saw you singing and dancing a song! A really depressing one! - Poppy couldn’t control herself, throwing arms everywhere.
- What are you talking about? - Doctor frowned. - I’m just sitting right here all the time. Just... - She stopped, her face melted a bit. - thinking deeply about things, but nothing else. I don’t know what’s in your mind, but if you can’t stay patiently in silence for a minute you can wait in the hall.
Now Poppy disoriented and angry at the same time. Cause that was rude. And humiliating for her as queen. She turned red and left a cabinet not feeling great with that.
- Something more is wrong? - Creek tried to guess seeing her king of mad. She noticed him only second later. She rubbed her face by her hands trying to calm herself.
- I’m just tired - She sighed. - Let’s go out of this place.
- But don’t you want to visit your dad? - Creek asked confusedly, running behind her.
- Please, I want... just leave this place - She mumbled not stopping walking.
They then went out of the hospital, the rain was just a drizzle. The sky was milky grey and the trolls were just walking around enjoying fresh wet.
- Poppy, I’m so worried about your behavior - Creek started talking, walking by her side. - You’re just doing the really weird the whole day. I know you’re the really upset cause of your dad, but you can help yourself by escaping from him and your problems!
Poppy stayed quiet, holding her arms by her hands and walking through the street full of trolls.
- I don’t need help - She answered after a while. - I just... needed some fresh air and...
Help! I need somebody
She stopped. Someone sang in the middle of the street. She started looking around.
Help! not just anybody
Help! you know I need someone
Help!
She saw him. It was a random orange troll with green hair. He definitely just stopped in the middle of the street and sang. She could say that it was normal, trolls sang a lot, every day was full of happy pop songs, but this one wasn’t happy. It was a sad song. Again.
Suddenly the girl in the shop started singing too. And even dancing.
I never needed anybody's help in any way
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured
And then a few random trolls joined them.
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.
- Creek, do you see that? - Poppy turned to him. She was really scared. But he seemed not to notice anything weird on the street. He looked around and asked what he should have seen. She couldn’t believe that he didn’t see or hear it cause now every single troll on the street was singing. And they were singing TO HER.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won't you please, please help me?
What’s happened? What’s wrong with her? She couldn’t understand why they sang that to her, she always thought that she’s a perfect queen in the country full of happy trolls. But they sang they needed help. She couldn’t help everybody!
And now my life has changed in oh so many ways
My independence seems to vanish in the haze
But every now and then I feel so insecure
I know that I just need you like I've never done before
She couldn’t stand it anymore. She started running ignoring Creek calling her out. She ran through the street and the singing troll were running after her not stopping the song:
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won't you please, please help me
She escaped to the forest, out of the village. But she didn’t run so far. Just a bit, only to stop hearing the singing trolls. She was afraid of the forest a bit, she didn’t want to be lost in the woods, she just wanted to be alone for a sec. She sat by the nearest tree and held her knees, breathing hard. She was watching the trolls between the leaves. They started walking just like they hadn’t sung or danced a second before. Like any of this hadn’t happened. She tried to calm herself down and understand what it was.
The melody of the “Help” sound sounded in her ears. She wonders if it were exactly the trolls’ thoughts. It would make some sense why the doctor sang that sad song too. But why did she see somebody’s thoughts as a sad song performance? She tried to rewind the memory of the last few hours. And then she realized something.
The MRI.
Maybe the violet-hair troll truly saw the lightning hitting the machine. And maybe it caused some kind of... Intermixture between her mind and headphone? It sounded ridiculous, but there was kinda weird logic. Plus she couldn’t explain it to herself better than that.
- So... You can hear trolls thoughts as a sad song by now - She said to herself, laying her head on her knees. - You’re a little weirdo, Poppy. I hope you can’t hear every single thought, it’d be the weirdest disaster ever.
She sighed. For a sec she let herself not think about anything. It was enough that her feelings were a terrible mess. She felt so lonely with them like nobody cold help her or even understand her.
And then she heard it. An angel voice.
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
She turned her head up to find who’s singing this time, in the forest on the edge of the village.
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
She found him. He sat really high on a branch and looked sadly down on the village.
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
He sang genuinely clear and he put into the melody lots of sadness and melancholy. For some reason it made her feel kinda understood and not that forlorn. They were there both, her and this stranger on the tree - grieved, alone, and lost in the woods. She closed her eyes and let the genius singer sing.
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world, mad world
He finished. After a while of silence, she opened her eyes to check up if he was still there. Yes, he was. She was curious about who was that. She knew exactly every single troll in her village but she felt like she saw him for the first time in her life. She squinted her eyes to see him better and then she saw it.
He was gray!
She didn’t know that there was a gray troll in her village! How was it even possible? She stared at his black hair in the distance without any moves. He Must have lived in the forest, there was no other point why she hadn’t known her before. It was awful. How long did he live there without any help? It was her royal duty to make sure that every single troll in her village was happy!
She looked at the trolls walking peacefully through the village streets. She had to help them. If there was a troll who could do that it was her. Maybe that’s why she got this weird thoughts-hearing power. She was like the chosen one and the quest. Started. Now.
She stood up and looked up at the gray troll’s branch, but he disappeared. She decided to find everyone who could know something about him. She would find him and she’d help, as a good queen does. Feeling strong with that decision she stepped into the village, ready for everything.
_______________________________________
There’s one important thing I have to say about writing this fanfiction - my bestie (much better with foreign language than me) helps me a lot with writing it correctly. She checks up every single chapter before I post it and fix most of my awful mistakes. Thank you very much @livinginithilien-blog, I will thank you after every single chapter I’ll post.
And below every chapter, I’ll write ang link song I use them. Tell me If you like it in this way or maybe you prefer idk if I link the songs in the text on the beginning? Tell me about it, please
The Doctor - Sound of Silence
Trolls - Help!
The mystery grey troll (no one knows who is that. No one.) - Mad World
Index, Next Chapter >
#Poppy#queen poppy#poppy's extraordinary playlist#poppy trolls#branch#branch trolls#creek#creek trolls#king peppy#trolls#zoey's extraordinary playlist#zep#fanfic#fanfiction#dreamworks trolls#dreamworkstrolls#trolls world tour#songs
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