#stephanie was okay at first but then she brought her seven year old child to my appointment and that was kinda over

[magdaclaire]

mentally ill girlies will be so excited for therapy this week

[hasegawasosise]

In Numbers We Trust

Summary:

Prompt master: @outoftheframework

I like the concept of each of the kids having a number or having a thing where they count off. Not in a demeaning or dehumanizing way at all, just more so to use in dangerous situations. For example, a bomb goes off on patrol, and to quickly see if everyone is okay, the kids (including Steph and Babs) automatically start counting one at a time. Bruce can breathe again once the count reaches eight. This tradition begins to carry over to civilian life when the kids yell numbers across a crowded gala after the power goes out.

Beta Agenthandler

Bruce never planned on starting a family. He made a vow to live for justice. He would be the force Gotham needed. He would be the forever bachelor. Justice was his Lady Love.

But 90% of life’s plan was just that—a plan. Bruce would never have guessed he'd end up taking in a boy who called himself Dick Grayson. Technically his ward, but Bruce suffered a mid-life crisis every day from thereon, wondering whether it was the right choice for him to adopt a kid—or why anyone sane would let Bruce Wayne adopt any kid in the first place. It was a testament to Dick’s own awesomeness that he grew up to be a mostly functional adult—Bruce definitely wasn’t.

After Dick, he recruited an amazing girl named Barbara Gordon as another sidekick. She was not officially his adopted daughter, but by day two of working together Bruce registered her in his little hind brain as “my kid.”

Then another. Jason Todd not only stole the Batmobile’s tires but also Batman’s heart. The little boy taught Bruce more about street-smarts and how to be a better person right until his death. His realized depth of parental love made him wonder why he ever adopted anyone in the first place—and ended up losing them that way.

After what he thought was the last, another one came into his life without invitation. Timothy Drake was a genius detective. Out of his first four—yes, Bruce could still count—Tim was the most similar to Bruce. They had the same kind of upbringing amidst the Gotham Elite, they were both highly focused and detail oriented individuals. Tim was even smarter than Bruce, and he was the sole reason Bruce could continue functioning after Jason’s death. Tim was also the only one to believe he was still alive and brought Bruce back from when he was lost in time.

After Time was Stephanie Brown. A cheerful ray of sunshine that had her own worries, but could function the best out of all his children. She had the kind of light sarcastic humor to brighten up Bruce’s darker days. He gained a third daughter, Cassandra Cain, the most accomplished amongst his children in terms of stealth and combat, also his one darling princess.

Then Bruce was introduced to his—one and only—blood son, a little baby assassin who had the unfortunate tendency to stab first ask later. By this time, Bruce had a better handle on raising children highly susceptible to raising hell and violence (read: still an incompetent parent, but he knew how to tune out their nagging) and had no choice but to assign Dick  with Damian’s education on humanities and socialization.

He also had Helena, Terry, Matt, Duke, and Harper.

Bruce lost count.

It was the ultimate testament to Bruce’s parenting skill. He sometimes couldn’t remember how many kids he had. He could lose them in a Walmart and forget he was missing one. But thankfully, he had a secret weapon.

Since Jason, he assigned them all numbers. Dick was one, Barbara was two, Jason three, Timothy four, Stephanie five, Cass six,  Damian seven—although he always said he was the first—Duke was eight, Harper nine, Terry ten, Matt eleven, and little Helena was twelve.

Imagine that. Bruce had twelve kids. What was his vow again? Lady Love Justice? Don’t know her.

It became sort of a tradition. When the kids entered the Wayne manor, each of them wrote their number on the info board down in the changing room. They were also listed on a desktop note of the BatComputer. It became a ritual in which the last child would add their newest sibling into the list, so they knew who the next number was supposed to be, and that next child would be who they were responsible for. Well, except Dick who accepted all of them as his baby chicks. The number also became a little part of their identity—each of them would put their numbers on everything they owned from their doors to their batarangs to the containers in the fridge.

Bruce, most importantly, used the numbering system to check in on them. It started when Penguin detonated a bank and his robins were scattered fighting all the hundred thugs Penguin hired to keep Batman busy. The blast stopped the fight and Bruce’s heart dropped when he realized his coms were damaged and he immediately couldn’t keep sight of them. He immediately tried to think what he could do, and when he did,  he shouted at the top of his lungs.

“KID COUNT!”

“One!” Nightwing shouted from the top of the next building. Apparently he flew off the bank’s  roof when he realised it was going to burst.

Oracle was two but he knew she was safe in the clock tower.

“Three,” Red Hood drawled. Bruce wondered why he joined in, but was thankful nonetheless.

“Four,” Red Robin shouted from the opposite direction, because he was the sensible one who directed the civilians and police to safety.

“Five!” Spoiler laughed and flew to his side. “That was a doozy!”

“Six,” Black Bat said as she appeared beside Spoiler where they shared a hi-five.

“Seven,” Robin pulled out his swords from a thug’s leg. “Father, I need to clean my sword immediately.”

“No stabbing, please.” “Too late.” Bruce groaned.

“...Eight?” Signal. He was still new to the numbering system.

Batman let go a deep relieved sigh.

The police and civilians who were fortunate to witness the scene, collectively said ‘Oh’. It became a trending twitter before Tim deleted the topic as much as he could.

********

The counting continued though. Citizens who have lots of children (such as parents, teachers, sometimes even the Police teams), realised it was a quick method to ensure update of their progeny/students/teams condition. So they  The counting became sort of a Gotham Trend and eventually enlisted into Gotham’s Emergency SOP. Imagine that, having too many kids to count gave birth to a crucial disaster first-aid first responder procedure.

In all actually, maybe that was one of the top major contributions Batman has given to his city.

********

The kids themselves slowly embraced the importance and fun of the numbers. It created a sort of camaraderie-- even when the numbers didn’t correlate with their height. It used to be a nice isoquant curve when they stood side by side. But after Jason’s growth spurt and Tim naught growth spurt, Steph finding high heels and Cass love for Anti-flood Boots, the nice isoquant curve just became a jagged line not unlike a heartbeat rate.  

That aside, the numbering also slowly bled into their civilian lives:

1.

All of them counted before they entered the GothMart -- Alfred was there too, and suddenly Bruce became number 0. He was there to help Alfred because herding the kids was a massive job.

Dick was back for the weekend to spend time with his “babies” and refused to stay at home, because he wanted to sneak in his grocery list (gummy bears and cereals) into Bruce’s list so he could bring it back to Bludhaven and not spend a dime on it.  

Jason was there because Alfred asked him for help--he was the only one out of the brood with cooking talent and generally all responsible in the kitchen, i.e. Alfred could trust Jason to use his kitchen without blowing it up (shoutout to Tim and Duke who blew the kitchen for the fifth time this year).

Barbara stayed at home, watching over their base, but she was ready with her surveillance just in case they lost one of the broods.

Tim was half dragged, because he had spent the last 30 hours awake doing Bruce-knew-what, and only agreed to be dragged with the promise of sweet, abominable GothMart coffee with pink glitter (a cheap imitation of Starbucks, really) because Tim was fabulous especially after thirty hours of no sleep. And the surprisingly awesome coffee was a dollar--what kind of frugal millionaire didn’t appreciate a dollar of drinkable coffee?

Steph was the one who dragged Tim, with the help of Cass who just returned from Hong Kong for the weekend. Steph wanted to buy some new bras for Cass, something cool and sexy she could enjoy immensely. Bruce was not privy in this knowledge.

Damian was there to ensure his embarrassment of siblings didn’t kill themselves or humiliate the family. Wayne was his legacy afterall, and all of them reflected on his legacy, whether he liked it or not. Duke, the only one whom he could tolerate outside Cassandra (Grayson was mother) just poked his cheek and grinned. Duke might be tolerable, but it didn’t mean Damian didn’t want to stab him sometimes (Drake, on the other hand, looked like a nice pincushion to stab his sword into).

They counted 0 to 8 before they entered, orchestrated by Alfred.  

When they were ready for the checkout, 4, 5, and 6 were missing. Bruce finally found them at the children section, where Tim was busy defending his virginity from a Superboy Plushie, while Steph convulsed with laughter on the floor and Cass video-ed the entire thing.

Bruce refused to buy the cereals (Dick) / sexy lingerie (nope, nope, nope) / kitchen knife collection in black (Damian, as they didn’t need another stabby collection). But Bruce ended up buying the superboy plushie because it had been tainted (the store manager glared at him the whole check out time). At least Tim looked ashamed enough when he was handed the superboy plushie.

2.

The gala was in full swing, full of important people and not-so important moochies. Bruce was entertaining a group of usual donors (important and fun people!) while he saw Tim seriously discussing the stock exchange trends with several old, serious men. Dick was charming the usual group of ladies and young men, while Cass seemed to be hiding behind the potted plan.

Then, just like usual in Gotham, the lights went off. The room suddenly became dark and people started to scream.

“KID COUNT!” Bruce shouted. “Zero,” he added because of habit.

“One!” “Three!” “Four!” “Five and Six!” “Seven.” “Eight” “Nine.”

Wait, did he bring Harper with him? Harper was allergic to this kind of gala--and that was why he never fully adopted her into his Wayne name.

Oh well. The more number he got, the better.

Justice Lady love who?

[rayewriting]

You Deserve More (More Than What I Have)

Fandom: Batman

Note: I know I'm a day late! Please forgive me, I got home at six, sat down at seven and been working this out till 1AM. Qalbi means “my heart” and Ekhwah means "older brother" in Arabic and Chikno means "son" in Romany (at least that’s what I found online!) I loved the idea of Damian taking care of Mar’i and him giving her a cutesy nickname and Damian and Dick openly acknowledging their relationship is different than just a brotherly bond so… I edited this chapter to make Mar'i call Damian "Ekhwah" instead of "Uncle D" to get that across. If I am wrong about the translations- PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!! I am not meaning to offend anyone, just trying to tie in Damian's and Dick heritage!

This is also an unexpected continuation of my Nightwing and Flamebird fic "Being Enough"! (find it under my DickandDamiweek2019 tag, its Day 1!)

Scars, so many scars on the little body that Damian possess.

“They are from training, Grayson,” his Robin says. But Dick knows better.

The scars come from abuse, the torture, he faced in his time with his mother. And Dick- Dick is appalled that, within ten years, Damian acquired so many. So many that Dick hasn’t heard all the stories and some of them Damian doesn’t remember getting- because he was to young to even try to remember. And the worst part is that Damian refuses to see them anything more than training mistakes, that they were not his fault that others hurt him. But Dick tells Damian every night, every time he sees one that Damian is not the one at fault, that Damian is an amazing, beautiful child that deserves so much more than the world has to offer.

His face has two, both difficult to see, but Dick does so immediately. One jagged cut on the left side reaching from his ear to his jaw.

 “The one on the left was from one of my instructors that got too close and tried to kill me,” Damian explained, in the middle of a night where Dick was still Batman and Damian his Robin, shaking in Dick’s arms after a nightmare, “I was sad because he was one of the few people nice to me. He said I reminded him of his child. Later that year, I discovered Mother forced him to do it for my training. I killed him, I did not know his real name, but he was called Khalil… for he was the friendliest in the League.”

The other is straight down his right eye, cutting through his eyebrow-

 “Grandfather did it. To train me to have me get acquainted to feeling pain,” Damian continued into Dick’s chest.

 “What they did is not your fault,” Dick said into Damian’s hair.

His left arm held a few, two parallel puncture holes near his wrist-

 Damian whispered, in the quiet after a rough night of patrol- neither of them ready to be alone, “I was bitten by a poisonous snake and the antidote was on the other side of a mountain. It was for training.”

 Dick wraps his arms around Robin, enclosing his partner in his cape, “That should not have been forced on you.”

In the bend of his right elbow, uncountable needle marks-

 “I was regularly injected with varies poisons and drugs, Mother said to grow immunity to them. Too many to count. It was part of my training,” Damian-in a t-shirt and shorts- spoke at the Batcomputer, when he noticed Stephanie looking at his arm for a good minute and a half. He kicked his legs out, and looks just like a regular twelve-year-old, except the words coming out of his mouth.

 Dick placed his hand on Damian’s shoulder and retorted, “It should not have been.”

Connecting Damian’s shoulder and elbow on the back of his right arm is a slice that Damian refuses to talk about, no matter how much Dick tries to whittle it out of him. (Damian’s cousin gave it to him, when he was sleeping in his quarters. Damian remembers his resulting actions every time he turns around to get ready for his day.)

His left leg only has one scar, a large burn covering the back of his thigh-

 As Damian changed into his suit for patrol with Dick and Bruce, saw their glances towards his legs and went on, “It was part of my torture training,” glanced at Bruce then continued, “Mother said that I was to be subjected to it for multiple weeks.”

 Dick left his Nightwing suit to pool around his waist, then pulled the fourteen-year-old into his arms, “She should not have done that. You are amazing just the way you are, Dames.”

His right leg has a matching burn and line down his shin-

 “I broke my leg, the medical staff had to do surgery to repair it,” Damian said to Jason. Damian, Dick, and Jason had ducked into a safehouse to wait out a thunderstorm that broke out in the middle of patrol. They had been in the middle of a change when Jason asked about it.

 “How did you break your leg?” Dick inquired.

 The fifteen-year-old paused for a few minutes- face contorted as if he was trying to remember- then, “I was being tortured by an enemy of the League. She broke my leg, so I broke her spine, then ran to the sea and swam twenty miles to a League ship I knew would pass at the time. They sent me to one of their medical facilities and I finished the mission in a week.” As he spoke the three of them rested on the couch, Dick stretching across the middle and left cushions, Damian sitting on the left on, and Jason walking into the kitchen for a bottle of water.

 “They did not deserve your loyalty,” Dick said softly, foot poked at Damian’s thigh.

His neck had one—

 Damian threw Dick’s door open, ran into Dick’s arms, and pointed to his neck, “It killed me… I think? Grandfather often put Mother in the Pit if she died during training. I don’t think Mother could stop him if I died. I-I can’t remember it very well… But when I woke up, Mother said I failed my training and had to do it over again. I didn’t remember till I had a nightmare last night.” Damian expounds, as if he had to get if off his chest, then broke down on Dick’s chest.

 “You deserved better than that. You deserve more than I have,” Dick said to the sixteen-year-old. Dick threw up that night and every time the light caught Damian’s neck just right, he- he grew green.

His hands had too many to count, burns, cuts and scrapes-

 “The only one I remember is the one Mother gave to me,” Damian quietly lets out, tracing his index finger over the small cut on the back of his hand. Dick, Kor’i, and Damian was in the middle of a movie at Dick’s apartment. Kor’i had visited during Damian’s visit- Dick hoped his girlfriend and Damian would get along- which they did, much to Dick’s surprise the first time, so they started monthly movie nights.

 Dick removed his arm from around Kor’i’s shoulders, clasped the seventeen-year-old’s hands in his and responded, “I’m sorry she hurt you. But I’m proud you don’t let it rule over you,” then placed kisses on all the scars he could find on the fingers and palms, when Dick was done, he wiped the tears that fall from the younger man’s eyes and the female alien wrapped her arms around Damian’s shoulders.

His chest is blanketed with multiple cuts and burns-

 Damian points to a small cut on his right pectoral muscle after Cass brushed her hand across his chest in questioning manner as Dick finished up stitching a knife wound on her forearm, “This is from a training with one of Mother’s guards,” long slice across from his right shoulder to left hip, “Grandfather wanted to know how many people I could take at once, I reached twelve before I passed out,” medium burn across the abdomen, “I was defending Mother from an inflamed log falling on her,” puncture marks on his left shoulder, “I was blindfolded and shot with an arrow, it was supposed to help with my spatial awareness,” then finally the long cut in the middle of his chest, “You remember this one, but the Heretic.”

 Cass nodded and grasped his hand, gave it a quick squeeze before she hopped of the gurney in the Batcave. Dick turns towards his twenty-year-old brother and pulled him into his arms, “You are so amazing, Dami, and these marks are just reminders. And I am so proud.”

Damian’s back is covered with bumps, cuts, burns-

 Dick rubbed Damian’s back as the twenty-three-year-old retched into the toilet, he could see the scars on Damian’s back and felt them under his palm. When Damian finished, Dick brought a glass of water up to his lips, Damian took a small sip, then spit it into the toilet, then flushed it. “Which one do you want to know about?”

 “Any of them, all of them.”

 “There are too many whip lashes for me to remember; everytime I passed out Grandfather would tie me to a post and ‘whip the exhaustion out of me’, there is the spinal replacement cut and the Heretic sword exit wound you remember, but I think…” Damian grabbed Dick’s hand moved it to the middle of his back then to the side just a bit, “I got stabbed there by a rogue assassin, had to replace my kidney,” Dick’s hand was guided to the opposite side but up some, “That was… one of Grandfather’s men, I think, I was walking to my next lesson and one of them threw a throwing star at me,” a burn mark on Damian’s right shoulder, “One of my instructors began to burn my clothes, and if I flinched or made a noise, she cut me with her knife.”

 Damian dropped Dick’s hand and threw his head back into the toilet to wretch again, and Dick resumed his massage, “You, Damian, are so amazing. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. You make me so happy for you to be a part of my family.”

 When the bathroom door opened, Dick’s head spun till he saw his daughter, “Mar’i what are you doing up, sweetie?” he asked.

 Mar’i looked at Damian as he rested his cheek against his arm that was on the toilet seat, “I had to potty, and I was wondering what was going on,” she said, “Is Ekhwah okay?”

 Damian smiled at the child, “I will be fine, Qalbi, and I am sorry you can not use your bathroom right now.”

 Dick stood up and washed his hands in the sink as Damian was talking, then turned to his daughter, “Why don’t you use Mommy and my bathroom? Come on.” Mar’i nodded and Dick grasped her hand, walked her to the master bedroom.

 When he opened the bedroom door, he saw Kor’i was blinking her eyes open and looked around, “Dick? What is happening?”

 Dick offered a small smile and opened his mouth to answer but Mar’i spoke first, “Ekhwah is sick and I had to potty. But, Daddy, I have a question,” then with all the seriousness a five-year-old can possess, she asked, “Why does Ekhwah have so many marks?”

 Couple of weeks later, Damian finds himself babysitting Mar’i, Kor’i and Dick trusting him to protect and care for their five-year-old daughter while they have a “date night”, she asks him, “Ekhwah, when did you get your scars?” tracing the marks of his arms up and down.

Damian just looks at the small child in his lap- as she was tired playing with her toys and wanted her Uncle D to talk to her, “Well, Qalbi, I got some of them when I was your age. Others I got when I was older.”

“Did your mommy and daddy not kiss them better? ‘Cause my mommy and daddy always kiss my boo-boos till I feel better.”

“No, my mother did not care for kisses and the like, and when I met my father, I was too old for kisses,” Damian explains, much to Mar’i’s surprise.

“Too old for kisses? How old is too old for kisses? I love kisses!” Mar’i exclaims, arms wrapping around Damian’s shoulders, finding comfort in his arms- as if thinking one day she would be refused kisses.

Damian’s heart seizes in his chest, the child’s innocence making him love her even more and he squeezes her to his chest, “I do not think you will ever grow too old for kisses, Qalbi. Your parents will give you kisses and hugs for as long as they can, as long as you let them.”

“Good, I love hugs and kisses. But, Ekhwah, where did your scars come from? They have to have hurt.” Mar’i asks innocently, green eyes wide and tan face scrunching in a pout.

The question causes Damian to stop, collecting his thoughts, then gently saying, “My scars come from my time in the League of Assassins. I was hurt a lot, everyday. My mother said that it was training; but, it was not. It was abuse; do you know what that means?” Damian looks at Mar’i, the small one shaking her head, “Abuse comes in many forms, but mine was mental and physical abuse. My mother- she was not a good person, when I was small, she hit me many times a day, forced me to do things that I did not want to do, and did not let me have my own opinions or thoughts. It is a very serious issue, and not to be treated lightly.”

Damian pauses and gives Mar’i a serious look and tells her, “Mar’i, if anyone—anyone—hurts you on purpose, it is not training or playing. Your mother and father will not hurt you like mine did, but know that if you get hurt by anyone or anything, I will help you. Promise me that if you feel hurt, scared, or angry, you talk to your parents- or me if you want- because I can grantee that we will always care for you.”

Mar’i nods, face serious and voice having a determined tilt, “I promise, Ekhwah, if I feel scared, hurt, or angry, I will tell Mommy, Daddy, or you.”

Damian hears a sniffle from the doorway and swivels his head to see Dick and Kor’i, both having watery eyes, walking into the room. Mar’i gets off Damian’s lap and runs over to her parents giving them hugs, “Mommy! Daddy!” Then she tugs on Dick’s pants, causing him to kneel in front of her, “Ekhwah said that his mommy didn’t like kisses and when he met Grandpa Bruce, he was too old for kisses! But he also said my parents aren’t like his; so, I won’t ever be too old for kisses.”

Dick looks at Damian with inquisitive eyes, which causes Damian roll his eyes and nod. Kor’i looks in between her husband and the person she has grown too love as a son, then tells Mar’i “Mar’i, you need to pick up your toys. It’s almost bedtime.”

Damian and Dick step out of the room and Dick wraps Damian into a hug, “I’m so proud of you, Chikno.”

“Why?”

Dick takes a step back and explains, “You openly acknowledged that your childhood was not training. That is a huge step and you took it. I’m just so happy you can see it now.”

Damian tilts his head to the side then shrugs his shoulders, “I guess.”

Suddenly Mar’i runs into the hall and flies, literally, into Damian’s arms, “Ekhwah! Can you tell me a bedtime story? I want to hear one about Nightwing and Flamebird!”

“Of course, but perhaps your father should join us, he is half of those stories.”

Dick watched as his two kids walk ahead of him, let’s a smile slide across his face, and follows them into Mar’i’s room.

[letscuttothefeeling]

season three episode seven

Welcome to the best episode of the season, brought to you by Clear Blue, the Mile-High Club, and Amazon Sunglasses. BOOP! Let’s cut to the feeling!

Nothing like sweating out a hangover! I love watching Juliette and Kelsey work out while I’m sitting on my couch eating cereal for no reason at 8 PM. This is doing wonders for my self-esteem. The friends start discussing the previous night at White Buffalo Saloon. After Alex and Juliette had that emotional convo outside and she left, they ended up talking on the phone for SIX HOURS. Six hours! I just want to know where Alyssa was while Romeo was telling Juliette he still loved her over the course of 360 minutes. Shout out to Kelsey for being a good friend and telling Juliette that Alex is “a bag of dog shit. On fire.”

The face your best friend makes when you confess that you’re talking to your ex. 

The only thing I hate more than lying is longboarding. And Amanda is guilty of both. Though she and Brandon may be moving fast on their weirdly oversized/emo skateboards, their relationship is slowing to a halt. Brandon starts quizzing Amanda about where she disappeared to last night, and she looks genuinely offended that he had the audacity to question her. Why is it that whenever people are guilty, they get so defensive? Any sociologists out there to give me their two cents? (Shout out Alex, for confusing psychology with sociology in episode five. Never change. <3)

This scene is already annoying me because Boring Robby, Jake, and Joe are setting up for the “Rebella” party. Number one, I thought we were done with Boring Robby – get off of my screen – and number two, as much as it pains me, I have to agree with Alex on one thing. Rebella looks like a complete and utter scam. And if I wasn’t so distracted by the beads covering Joe’s face, I’d report this to the Better Business Bureau as a potential money laundering cover-up. As Robby wonders if Juliette will show up, we cut to Juliette and Kelsey’s house. Kelsey, excited to get to the party to see her boss/love interest Jake, convinces Juliette to go. Nothing like showing up to your ex-boyfriend’s party two days after breaking up with him.

Why do people insist upon having tough convos over coffee in this show? First Juliette and her boss, then Robby and Amanda, and now this. As Madisson sits down with Chloe to grab lattes, things get serious quickly. Madisson is having a pregnancy scare! After tearfully confiding in Chloe, Madisson works up the nerve to get a test and Facetimes Dad “Baby” Ish to see the results. I’m sorry, but if my girlfriend randomly Facetimed me at work crying about potentially being with child, I’d be a little more emotive than Ish, who was apathetic about the whole situation. (Clearly, there’s a reason he was behind the camera and not in front of it.) After Madisson finally puts us all out of our misery and checks the test, we discover that she is not, in fact, carrying Ish’s spawn. Shocker! But now she’s forced to think about the reality of dating Old Man Ish since he’s an old man. Does she need to have kids sooner now since her boyfriend is practically in the grave? My head is spinning, I can’t think about this right now. Hopefully, that’s the only unwanted pregnancy of the season!

The Rebella party is in full swing, but instead of showing us the party, the producers have decided to show us forty-seven flashbacks, yet again. Can we please stop with those? They happen eight times an episode and eat up precious airtime. Like we KNOW what happened in the last episode, thanks. As Juliette and Boring Robby ignore each other, and Jake and Kelsey discuss their budding potential relationship, we get to see a glimpse of former cast member Carson! Who is now known to us as “Brandon’s friend.” Usually, the producers will bring on random people and then just never speak of them again, (shoutout Canvas, Tawni, Madisson’s sister, Pauly Paul, Ben, now VICTORIA, and many more) but this time, we get to see one. It’s kind of like seeing a ghost. Hi, Carson! You’re a brunette now! How are you doing? Where did you go? Are you okay?   

With no time for childish nonsense, Alex and Chloe are hammering out business details at the Crescent Club. While making a specialty mojito, Chloe sees a video of Juliette at the Rebella party. And once Alex hears she’s there, it’s game over. He becomes genuinely enraged and immediately fires off a text to Robby. Normally I would find his reaction hilarious since it proves that he’s desperately jealous, but the text he sent contains a screenshot of Juliette confessing her love to him earlier in the day, which is just embarrassing. Boring Robby, now would be a good time to start chanting inspirational quotes while you foam at the mouth and seize, you’re going to need them.

Earth-shattering. That’s how I would describe Boring Robby’s reaction to the texts from Alex. It’s reminiscent of that scene in Stephanie Meyer’s third novel in the Twilight Saga, Eclipse, when Bella accidentally lets it slip while ditching school with Jacob that she plans to become a vampire upon graduation. Jacob is shell-shocked. Although he knew this was looming, he had no idea it was happening so soon. I mean, not only would this break the treaty – remember, the Cullen clan is banned from not only killing, but also BITING any human – but this is also the girl who Jacob presumes to be the love of his life!! (Even though he hasn’t imprinted on her.) Before this show, I could only imagine his exact face when he found out Bella was going to become a filthy bloodsucker. (His words, not mine.) He even said he’d rather she be dead! Luckily, Robby’s face at this moment is all I need to visualize Jacob’s. After the soul-crushing texts, Robby runs up to Juliette to confront her. He accuses her of faking the entire relationship, then tries to prove it by asking Juliette to name her favorite moment or memory from their relationship. After Boring Robby waits in silence for a few seconds, Juliette responds, “SEX ON A PLANE! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?” Icon!

For the record, I know Jacob’s face during that shocking scene was portrayed by Taylor Lautner in the cinematic masterpiece Eclipse, but as a self-proclaimed Twilight expert, I felt that this real-life moment of Robby Hayes actually paid homage to Jacob’s raw emotion more accurately.

Back at the Kompothecras mansion, Alyssa, Gary, Alex, and Alex’s nameless mother are drinking at 10 AM. I stand by my hypothesis that Alyssa is trying to replace Alex’s mom and bang Gary. I can think of no other logical explanation as to why she keeps thudding around Alex’s parent’s house without a bra on. It’s funny that she has time to paint on a full face of makeup, but no time to cover her nipples. As they sit down for drinks, Alyssa immediately starts talking about how Juliette is trying to “weasel her way back in” and that “she needs to back off.” What’s that? Juliette, the girl who has dated Alex for 3+ years is trying to “weasel her way back in”? That’s great, coming from the girl who got pregnant after three months of NOT EVEN DATING ALEX. No yeah, um, that’s just, great. Good insight, Alyssa.

Since Alex was abroad for his birthday, he’s decided to throw a party for Jared. Even though I’m a little mad that Alex didn’t throw his annual banger, this party provided us with a lot of content, so I’m not going to pursue a lawsuit with Gary. Earlier in the episode, we learned that Jared is a divorcé! That’s right, when Jared was in the navy, he was married to someone and got divorced after a year. Young love. Even though he’s having a fun birthday party by the beach with all of his friends, he’s fixated on getting a call from his ex-wife. Finally, she calls and we learn that she’s coming to town next week. Interesting! As they hung up, they said “I love you” to each other, and then Jared got really emotional. Also interesting! We’ll learn more next week. Stay tuned!

As Alex and Alyssa hang all over each other, you can see Juliette seething behind her Chloe’s sunglasses. She decides to go confront Alex against literally everyone’s advice, and I’m already cringing. Juliette marches up to Alex and starts trying to get him to admit, on camera, that he said he still loved her over the phone. Alex blatantly denies it (even though it’s definitely true,) and then up comes Alyssa. She immediately starts berating Juliette, saying that she’s “crazy” and “false.” I’m just laughing at how naïve Alyssa is. Poor girl. She will soon become all too aware of what a manipulative liar Alex is. Okay, “manipulative liar” is a bit of an overstatement. That makes him sound intelligent. He’s just an asshole. Either way, I’m violently triggered by the idea of my liar ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend calling me psychotic and laughing in my face. So when Juliette pushes Alex in the pool and pulls down Alyssa’s bathing suit after Alyssa throws a drink at her, I’m not mad about it! As a final touch, Juliette hurls Chloe’s now crumpled sunglasses back at her, then, as everyone is trying to escort her away from the pool, she tugs down Alyssa’s bathing suit yet again, adding a final, “boop!” Pure class. Team Juliette for life. See you on the Key next week!

[lindyhunt]

4 Comics Who Are Keeping it Real About Motherhood ( and 4 Who Are Proudly Not Procreating)

Having children is one of life’s greatest pleasures…or so I’m told. But what happens when you become a mother and life is not the mommy-blog perfection that we all expect it to be? Lucky for all of us, some  comedians have given us all a glance into the unfiltered world of pregnancy and parenting. And, greatest pleasure or not, that shit seems terrifying). An important part of the conversation when it comes to motherhood is that it’s a choice, and probably shouldn’t be considered the default choice for women. That’s not to say that women who don’t breed don’t like children, they’ve just decided that it doesn’t fit into their lifestyle. Like that time that I got side bangs without realizing the amount of work I would have put in  to styling them every day. And yes, I’m saying bang maintenance is exactly the same child rearing.

Regardless of whether or not you want to raise tiny humans, here are the voices of comedy who are keeping it real on all ends of the spectrum.

Ali Wong 

“I used to hate on other moms for the clothes that they wore, you know, all the cheesy-ass animal print and loud metallic shiny shoes, and now I see something that’s bedazzled in rhinestones and I’m like ‘oh that looks nice, I think I’m gonna get that,’ because when you’re a mom you need sparkle to compensate for the light inside of you that has died.”

I’m grateful the weekend is over. #WorkIsEscape #TGIM

A post shared by Ali Wong (@aliwong) on May 28, 2018 at 7:03am PDT

There’s something so incredibly wonderful about watching a heavily pregnant, 5’3″ woman dancing around the stage with her middle finger high in the air. Ali Wong became a household name in 2015 when she released her stand-up special Baby Cobra on Netflix. At the time, she was seven months pregnant with her first child. Three years later, and equally pregnant Wong came back on stage for her new Netflix collar, Hard Knock Wife, to report back to us on childbirth and motherhood. She gave the audience and viewers a…graphic look into what she’s been up to since we last saw her. She spoke about childbirth, breastfeeding and how she sometimes wants to throw her kid in the garbage (fair enough). She also speaks on her choice to continue her career after having children, and how that’s a choice she was privileged to be able to make. To sum up, Ali Wong should write a parenting book ASAP. Even my childless-self would read that thing cover to cover.

Natasha Leggero

“It is very humbling to think that you’re carrying life inside of you, you know? I don’t want to get too emotional but it’s even more overwhelming then when I realize that it’s gonna be five more months before I can do drugs again.” 

A post shared by Natasha Leggero (@natashaleggero) on May 25, 2018 at 4:43pm PDT

Best known for her blasé delivery of shock-comedy, Leggero’s stand-up will have you thinking whether or not you should feel bad for laughing (you should, but it’s okay). When she walked out on stage for her set in The Honeymoon Stand Up Special (which she did with her husband, Moshe Kasher) heavily pregnant in a sequin minidress and white-fur coat and told the audience to hold their applause because she was “still in the abortion zone,” Leggerro proved that she had no intention in changing her comedic style due to her maternal-status (nor should she!). Though Leggero hasn’t released any new material since the birth of her daughter, she’s taken to Instagram to reassure fans that she’s still the same-old Natasha. Whether she’s posting a photo of her breastfeeding while adorned in gold or introducing her daughter to the world of Vogue, she’s making sure that her comedic voice is still known.

Katherine Ryan

“My daughter’s six. Right now I just have to keep her hair out of her face and her hands out of her pants and I’ve nailed the day.”

💜

A post shared by kathbum (@kathbum) on Aug 9, 2017 at 11:19am PDT

Originally from Canada, this UK-based comedian released her Netflix special — In Trouble — in 2017. Ryan talked about her dating life, pop culture and life as a single mother. She’s also quick to gossip about the other moms that she has to interact with, which is relatable to anyone with or without a child. In her most recent set at Noel at the Apollo, Ryan tells her audience all about a mother at her daughter’s school named Jane. “Does anyone know Jane from the North London school run?…Jane said to me ‘Katherine, you must be so sad that you don’t have a husband at Christmas.’ This coming from the woman whose ham-coloured husband Brian is a man I’ve never seen out of a bicycle helmet.” Whether it’s dealing with the death of her child’s pet or bringing her kid along so that she can meet Prince Harry (true story), Katherine and her daughter are setting up to be the modern-day Gilmore Girls.

Tig Notaro

“I feel like [my wife] and I are doing a great job, I really do. But I also feel like it would be reasonable if somebody called child protective services a couple of times.”

When I have to share my Cheerios 😕

A post shared by Tig Notaro (@tignotaro) on Mar 5, 2018 at 2:02pm PST

A veteran on the stand-up comedy circuit, Tig Notaro has always included her personal life in her bone-dry comedy. In 2015 she released her documentary Tig on Netflix, which followed her ability to find humour in her breast cancer diagnosis and eventual double mastectomy. In her newest Netflix special, Happy to be Here, Notaro had much happier experiences to draw from. She spends most of the hour telling stories about her wife Stephanie and their baby twin boys Max and Finn. A lot of her material now stems from her kids, including her one son’s sudden outbursts. “A couple month’s ago, he just out of nowhere yelled ‘I’m gay’.. yeah, Max the whole family is gay, it’s not a big deal, except for Finn but even [our cat] is bi-curious.”

Michelle Wolf

“If having babies really was the best job in the world, men would’ve figured out a way for them to do it.”   

Not in the spirit of the mission.

A post shared by Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) on Apr 29, 2018 at 9:52pm PDT

Michelle Wolf is most recently known for her set at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner which received mixed reviews to say the least. Now, she has her own show called The Break with Michelle Wolf on Netflix where she does a little bit of everything. In the premiere episode, Wolf sat with her friend and fellow comic Amber Ruffin to talk about their choice not to have kids. This isn’t a new topic for Wolf however, she touched on the concept of “making a human” in her HBO Special, Nice Lady. “It should be hard to make a human. It’s hard to make a croissant. It takes three days to make a croissant, you can make a human in that bathroom. You cannot make a croissant in that bathroom.”

Sarah Silverman

“I love kids, but I also really love what I do. Which is anything I want, all of the time.”    

A post shared by Sarah Silverman (@sarahksilverman) on Nov 20, 2017 at 11:56am PST

Sarah Silverman is another stand-up comedy veteran to speak about the idea of motherhood. Silverman is known for never holding back, so it seemed perfectly normal for us to share her ideas on having children in a monologue for her show I Love You, America. Silverman also brought it up when she was on Chelsea with Gloria Steinem and Chelsea Handler, all who have chosen not to have kids. “Loving kids  and having kids of your own are two very different things. The thought of having my own baby completely paralyzes me.”

Chelsea Handler

“Sometimes in your 20s and 30s people will trick you into having kids. But it’s possible to remain childless and alone. You just have to want it.” 

This sums up what I’m dealing with on the home front. Every day, it’s like I’m starting over.

A post shared by Chelsea Handler (@chelseahandler) on May 22, 2018 at 4:52pm PDT

Chelsea Handler has always made her aversion to having children known in her material. In her show, Chelsea, she has a recurring PSA spoof called Kids: They’re Not That Great. She is seen having a cocktail in her bathrobe or binge watching TV, telling people that being childless is actually pretty great. She even got wrapped into hosting a kids Halloween party, and it’s absolutely hilarious.

Jen Kirkman

“If you do something as big as having a kid…you gotta have an urge to be good at it and an urge to do it. And I’ve never had the urge to ruin my life.” 

Hello world!

As you can see – I’m not on tour right now. I’m on a job writing to bring you entertainment on the streaming teevee. Some years I hit 30-40 cities in about 3 countries – this is not that year! So far! ✈️✈️✈️ But there are plans and things in place for fall and winter – and things will go on sale before that. My weekly email newsletter is THE ONLY way to find out what’s going on in my head – where I’m thinking of heading next and why. 📝📝📝📝So, join up! Again, I am not on a big tour this year – I’m just going to be popping up in really surprising places in America and beyond. I KNOW WHAT they are – but you don’t! Cuz you’re not on my newsletter. CLICK LINK IN BIO TO JOIN. It takes you to my website homepage and the link is there. 🌟🌟🌟🌟😁 *****any question you ask below about what city I am coming to is literally the reason I have a newsletter. Save me the headache. The answer to all questions is JOIN MY NICE FRIENDLY FUN PERSONALLY WRITTEN BY ME 🙋🏻‍♀️ every week newsletter*******

A post shared by Jen Kirkman (@jenkirkman) on Mar 5, 2018 at 8:46am PST

In Jen’s first Netflix Special, I’m Going to Die Alone (and I Feel Fine), Kirkman speaks out about not having kids has never been an issue for her as much as the people around her. She even published a book in 2013 called I Can Barely Take Care of Myself: Tales From a Happy Life Without Kids. Needless to say, kids have never been on Kirkman’s radar, and the only problem she has with it is the fact that people have a problem with it.