#still kind of looks like 3 tbf

[ohhamlet-art]

12th of the hour

[sterredem]

Simp

Carlos sainz x reader

[SMAU]

Face claim Gracie Abrams

Summary Carlos simping over his girlfriend… that’s it.

Word count -

Warning none (not proofread)

A/N pretty short but I still like it! Hope you also enjoy it! Made it in a few hours (over a few days).

I changed the request a bit so it was easier to make a smau but I hope y’all enjoy it!

Instagram

Liked by Yourusername and 1.739.826 others

Carlossainz55 Happy birthday Mi Amor 🎉🎂 she said I needed to use ‘I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22’ but she turned 28 so that doesn’t make sense.

View all 2.836 comments

Yourusername CARLOS! I said not to post it!

Carlosssinz55 Sorry mi Amor, you just looked so beautiful.

Lilymhe So beautiful!

Yourusername says you!

Francisca.cgomes Happy birthday my love!

Yourusername Thank you🫶

Alexandrasaintmleux You should have used the lyrics!

Yourusername That’s what I said!

Carlossainz55 Sorry mi amor!

User1 she is so pretty!

User2 Happy Birthday Y/n!

User3 Awwwww! She’s so cute!

User4 love the ‘shy’ pictures! She’s so real for that!

User5 love Carlos showing of Y/n!

User6 🎂🎉

User7 so cute!

User8 they are the perfect couple!

User9 the best couple frfr!

User10 2 different birthday cakes?!

User11 she’s so lucky!

User12 HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY FAV WAG

User13 love the mix of the pics!

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Twitter

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Instagram

Liked by Francisca.cgomes and 1.236.278 others

Yourusername This is totally not Carlos. Totally not. Just me Y/N posting myself!

View all 3.739 comments

Carlossainz55 So pretty Mi amour

Francisca.cgomes Oh no… she’s gonna be so mad…

Lillymhe NOT THE FIRE😭

Alexandrasaintmleux THE PICTURES😭 so unserious😭

Carmenmmundt HAHAH Totally not Carlos no…

User1 HAHAHAH I LOVE THEM

User2 not Carlos simping over his gf on her own account😭

User3 THE PICS ARE SO CUTE

User4 She’s so pretty! Even when she does the most weird things😭 so jealous

User5 HAHAHA CARLOS

User6 Oh she maddddd

User7 Carlos simping part 2000000

User8 exited to see her reaction

User9 the stuffed animal😍

User10 I love their relationship😍🫶

User11 I love their dog😭

User12 The WAG’s in the comments! I love their relationship!

User13 not this being one of the only posts of hers with over a million likes……

Yourusername CARLOS!!!

Yourusername WHAT IS THIS?!?!

User8 HAHAHHAHAHAHAH

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Instagram

Liked by Francisca.cgomes and 1.738.037 others

Carlossainz55 appreciation post for my lovely and beautiful girlfriend @yourusername

View all 5.836 comments

Yourusername OMG CARLOS!

Yourusername but tbf the pics are kind of cute

Alexandrasaintmleux You mean OUR girlfriend?

Carlossainz55 no

Yourusername yes

Francisca.sgomes Pretty girl fr

Yourusername I’m blushing

User1 so pretty

User2 cuteeee

User3 love the couple pictures

User4 the shoes🥵

User5 best couple ever

User6 my fav wag and fav driver

User7 so jealous of Y/n

User8 she’s so hot

User9 not Carlos simping on main🤣😂

User10 THE COOKING PIC LIKE AYDJDHBEEG

User11 Carlos is the biggest simp ever AHHAHA

User12 there so amazing

User13 I hate them

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Instagram

Liked by Carlossainz55 and 563.835 others

Yourusername Hanging out with my loves🫶 missed y’all!

Tagged Alexandrasaintmleux, Francisca.sgomes, Lilymhe, friend1, friend2

View all 4.835 comments

Carlossainz55 GORGEOUS

Carlossainz55 Pretty girl!

Carlossainz55 I’m in love with you

Carlossainz55 pls date me

Yourusername CARLOS HAHAHAH we are

Carlossainz55 OMG

Francisca.sgomes gorgeous girl liked by author

Alexandrasaintmleux loved hanging out!

Yourusername We should do it again soon!

Lilymhe Run away with me

Yourusername already packed my bag!

Carlossainz55 ???!!!?!?!

Yourusername look away my love

Friend1 love you! Liked by author

Friend2 So pretty! Liked by author

User1 not Carlos again🤣😂

User2 pretty

User3 🥵😍😘

User4 the pics are amazing!

User5 hottest friend group ever!

User6 doe Carlos have notifacations or something?! He is always the first hahah

User7 I am so curious what happened in those pics🤣😂

User8 love your style!

User9 in love with you

User10 Carlos here again

User11 pretty girl

User12 I love her friendship with other WAG’s

User13 you don’t deserve Carlos

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Instagram

Liked by Yourusername and 1.738.935 others

Carlossainz55 I may be a simp but how can I not when this is my girlfriend?

Comments are limited

Yourusername CARLOS YOU ARE THE SWEETEST

Yourusername I love you!

Carlossainz55 I love you too!

Francisca.sgomes YOURE so real for that

Lilymhe Prettyest girl

Alexandrasaintmleux You’re right, you now have the rights to simp over my girlfriend

Cgarles_Leclerc simp

Landonorris simp

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[bbluefllame]

hcs on how I think mha characters sleep

contains: pure silly stupidness

characters: tomura shigaraki, touya todoroki, keigo takami, izuku midoriya, toga himiko, plus one katsuki hc😭

note: LISTEN GANG I WAS SLEEPY BUT I COULDNT SKEEP SO I WAS LIKE OH EM GEE!!! keigo's went out of hand 😔😔😔

tomura shigaraki

- he usually sleeps in his normal attire, he has no energy to get up and change

- sleeps 4 hrs MAX

- his thumbs are always I mean always are covered by the rest of his fingers tightly, he probably decays mattresses every couple of months by accident

- either super light sleeper or super heavy no in-between, probably doesn't even sleep most of the time

- there's no pre-sleep routine. mf just plops down into the bed and blacks out OR he sleeps in his gaming chair😭

- if you're sleeping next to him, he would make sure he's facing the opposite side with his hands dangling at the edge of the bed just to make sure nothing happens to you.

- one thing that makes him black out is playing with his hair, like blackout like snore mimimimi type shit

- he's so still in his sleep, barely moves to the point you might think he's dead if he wasn't breathing‼️

- Overall he'd be a pretty good person to sleep next to (if he even sleeps) just make sure he doesn't have nightmares or everything is done and dusted (literally)

touya todoroki

- he either sleeps naked or something that can't snag on the staples/ irritate his scars (probably naked bcs have you seen his room?? ITS EMPTY EMPTY THERES NOTHING BESIDES HIS USUAL CLOTHES)

- I give him 5-6 hrs maybe then he wakes up but on nights where he's in too much pain, he takes a shit ton of painkillers and tries to sleep just to wake up 2 hrs later

-biggest snorer out there, complete opposite of tomura. esp w those lungs of his omg.

- you could be sleeping and BOOM 🚉 SNOREEEEEE HONKKKK you need earplugs with him, then he wakes up and goes "I don't snore, fuck you mean??"

- he tosses and turns 24/7 also he will 100% steal the blanket and kick you off, at this point it'd be more comfortable to sleep on the ground than to sleep next to him

- yk those videos where it's like someone tweaking while sleeping, like they roll around steal blankets and kick and stuff and do the craziest shit, yeah that's touya

- idk if he has a pre sleep routine I'm leaning towards it depends? he usually just makes sure his scars are clean so he doesn't get an infection and yk die!

- I conclude, a horrible person to sleep next to. Would much rather kms than tolerate a night of his torture!

keigo takami

- this bitch has 2 options, blackout the second he gets home in his hero attire, or if it's a day where he has to recover from an injury or something, these navy blue sweatpants and a black t-shirt specifically

- depends on the day he's sleeping either 3 hrs or 9 hrs

- he doesn't snore but he talks in his sleep about the weirdest shit ever "noooo pls don't put me in the airfryer" he 100% has the weirdest fucking dreams to ever exist

- he never sleeps on his back, literally always on his stomach so his wings don't get in the way

- also on the topic of his wings, during said weird dreams if he's running away or something they start flapping and shit😭 it'd be so annoying to sleep next to him

- he sleepwalks 100% you look at that face and tell me he DOESNT?? he's a really light sleeper as well esp for nights where he might be called in

- definitely has a pre sleep routine (if he doesn't immediately blackout) ESP if you're living tg oh em gee, he'd have a longer skincare routine than you (tbf the skincare routine is kind of obligation from him to appeal to the civilians nd shit)

- he'd have a headband on his head pushing his hair back, washing his face, using a toner etcetera, and then going "baaaaaabeeee where'd you put my cosrx snail mucin, I know you used it" and he'd be all sassy and shit (twink cough cough sorry)

- if he's having a calm day, he's being the clingiest cutest little shit, you wanna go to eat? "nooo 5 minutes" . You wanna go to the bathroom? "Ugh be quick" while he's guarding the door waiting to tackle you and drag you back to bed. He's such a little (loving) shit

- he just lays there on top of you not willing to let go with a serene expression on his face, those days are rare though (fuck the commission 😠)

- random but he has some of the worst bed head you could ever see

- overall, kind of annoying to sleep next to (funny as well) but for him, who wouldn't tolerate it 🙏🏼

izuku midoriya

- before OFA bro used to get no sleep he'd have the most fucked up sleep schedule to ever exist ‼️‼️ like during weekends no sleep at all just staying up analyzing new heroes

- w OFA he's sleeping healthily or too much with the amount of energy he uses ESP in the first seasons when he breaks his bones a shit ton

- HIS SLEEP WEAR LMAOAOA funniest thing I've seen i don't have to say anything abt it 😭 a fucking shirt w " t-shirt" on it or sumn

- doesn't snore but moves a lot, and not even kicking?? just flipping side to side or clutching the blanket like he's a woman clutching her purse in the 1800s (no one's taking it from you calm down lil bro)

- occasionally he might talk but it's like 2 words then he flips to the other side

- no pre-sleep routine but that's bc he doesn't need one, his pre-sleep routine is studying or training, BUT bro has to be like wrapping his arms and hands at night or something bcs he's in pain (his arms are fucked up there's no way he doesn't have chronic pain)

- if you're forced to sleep next to each other (insert ur own fanfic idea of why) he would be so tense he'd have his hands by his side tryna not sleep so he doesn't annoy you, at this point, you'd be annoyed by how tense he is

- he's not a bad person to sleep next to tbf, just like he might be kinda annoying that's it

Toga Himiko

- she has pink pj's and everything she's such a cutie (some have blood on them but whoops accident!)

- she sleeps with plushies (her room is adorable. search it up pleek‼️), changes the plushie every night so "every single one of them feels loved"

- she sleeps pretty healthily although on the low side 6-7 hrs prolly, she's told by compress "You're a growing girl, you need your sleep" or something similar when she wakes up too early

- she's more giggles in her sleep rather than anything, maybe whispers a name then goes teehehehe, she's pretty calm in her sleep honestly

- she has a pre-sleep routine and it's adorable, if it's in the broke era she steals face masks (specifically hello kitty ones), moisturizers, toners, face washes and skips back to the base with a smile on her face

- has 100% forced a couple of the league members to use the face masks

- has music blasting (for some reason I see her playing like a g6 and bopping her head while putting stuff on) at 10 pm, she 100% has been forced to turn it off bcs it woke everyone up

- she's such a cuddly person as well but in the best way possible, before sleeping though 100% there's gonna be gossiping or just yapping tg

overall my favorite !! silliest girl to ever exist I luv her

bonus katsuki

- bro sleeps like a Victorian child dying from the plague, waiting for a true loves kiss type shit you'd see him and go "wtf okay disney princess😟"

[povlnfour]

ੈ✩‧₊˚ PADDOCK TO PADDOCK (LN) PART 4

series masterlist | prev part | next part

lando norris x fem!horse rider!reader

texts with lando ੈ✩‧₊˚

texts cont. ੈ✩‧₊˚

lando.jpg just posted a photo ੈ✩‧₊˚

liked by daniel.jpg and 58,291 others

lando.jpg met the horse and treated the olympian (!) to dinner

👤 tagged yourusername

view all 1,006 comments

user3 OMGGGGG THEY’RE FRIENDS AGAIN

user1 y’all had me WORRIED for a second there

daniel.jpg much prefer her face to yours

lando.jpg we all do

user9 🙄🙄🙄

yourusername omg i made it to the jpg account

lilymhe text me NOW

texts with lily ੈ✩‧₊˚

yourusername just posted a photo ੈ✩‧₊˚

liked by landonorris, carlossainz55 and 200,876 others

yourusername august slipped away

👤 tagged lando norris, flo_norris_showjumping, and 3 others

view all 19,447 comments

user6 DID THE FAMILY DINNER HAPPEN????

user1 y/n hanging out with landos family🫣🫣🫣 oh they’re in LOVE

flo_norris_showjumping i LOVED seeing you again🥹 even if my brother hogged you for most of the night

user3 NOT FLO EXPOSING LANDO????

yourusername you’re still my number 1🩷🩷🩷

carlossainz55 please tell me lando wasn’t allowed in the kitchen?

yourusername oh god no, his job was set the table

user2 so glad i don’t have to fist fight lando anymore

landonorris i’m sorry WHAT

landonorris babe protect me from your fans

user3 BABE?????

user1 HELAKFIDJS BABE?

landonorris just posted a photo ੈ✩‧₊˚

liked by yourusername, danielricciardo and 243,077 others

landonorris one of us is a passenger princess. guess which one

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user4 SHE CANT DRIVE FREE HER

user5 i am so used to them being gross and in love on my home page but i still gasped

yourusername not my fault i cant drIVE

landonorris sweetheart that kind of is YOUR fault

user3 i cant with these nicknames omg

danielricciardo mate tbf it’s usually you

user13 was she doing her makeup in the car bc mood😭

landonorris she was and i’m still finding glitter everywhere days later

lily’s story, texts w lily, twitter reacts ੈ✩‧₊˚

mclaren just posted a photo ੈ✩‧₊˚

liked by landonorris, oscarpiastri and 101,572 others

mclaren your move, @/williamsracing🧡

👤 tagged yourusername

view all 4,077 comments

user5 AHAHAHAH ADMIN VS ADMIN IS BACK

user7 who y’all backing? williams could fight i reckon👀👀👀

alex_albon @/yourusername we need to TALK.

landonorris uh oh dads angry

alex_albon @/landonorris lazy town looking ass

williamsracing oh it’s on👀 we heard she prefers our catering anyway!

scuderiaferrari if she’s here for catering, she’s in the wrong place!

user1 the girls are fighting!

yourusername williams mclaren look at me this isn’t you

landonorris just posted a photo ੈ✩‧₊˚

liked by mclaren, alex_albon and 239,556

landonorris tough stint lately but got some nice incentive today. podium incoming?

view all 19,506 comments

user9 she’s been in every single one of his posts lately. it’s concerning

user7 he’s not gonna fuck you

user3 INCENTIVE? WHATS THE INCENTIVE?

yourusername 🤭 good luck for singapore

liked by landonorris

user5 WHAT ARE THEY PLOTTING

taglist: @idkiwantchocolatee @vellicora @alessioayla @bborra @crimeshowjunkie @minkyungseokie @paolexsstuff

a/n: 👀 i am having sm fun writing this. v excited to write the next part👀

taglist found here!!!

- giselle xx

[conflictofthemind]

Not only do Robin and Will (and Mike!) have scenes together, they have a plot where the three of them visit Castle Byers in the Upside Down and here's all of the proof:

I originally posted this on twitter a month ago, which got a lot of backlash as well as prompting a certain someone to lie directly to my face about it. Now that I've been vindicated so much in the last few days, I want to share this mini-theory that I'm mostly convinced of at this point.

1.Let us go over the filming timeline: February 15th (left), Robin and Will at the McCorkle farm. Take note of the outfit that Robin is wearing here. February 20th (right), fans stumble on an Upside Down Castle Byers set in the woods.

February 22 (left), a pap reveals they were filming at this location the past week, and likes a comment saying one of the figures in the red picture was of Noah/Will.

March 1st (right), Ross Duffer posts what is (possibly) weeks 7-8 of filming, including a picture of Castle Byers in the Upside Down with the prominent American flag.

March 13 (but not really), we get a hidden shot from Episode 4. Oh, and an iPad in the corner that says this was actually February 13 - the same week they were filming with Maya/Noah/Finn at the farm.

Oh, but zoom in. Enhance image. What is that? It's the unknown!

A flag.... the body of a person with a dark coat and a white t-shirt.... possibly in the mirror view of a car or some kind of framing device. Now what did they film in the same week(s) that looks like this? Just Castle Byers and Robin.

2. Aaaaand then we get a little bit into Lovers Lake gate (literally).

The official version of the map, that could still be incorrect tbf, has Lover's Lake placed near the farms on the outskirts of town. There is also a fan-made map referenced from the actual show, which is different but still places Lover's Lake next to some farms and specifically Eugene McCorkle's farm.

Then we have this classic BTS photo from Ross of (possibly lol) Weeks 5-6 which would include the week of February 13 and 16th where we know they were filming at the farm.

What this all means, I won't speculate on too much, but I am fairly sure we are getting a mission with Robin/Will/Mike as they venture into the Upside Down (maybe Mike drives them himself) through a rift that has strategically opened near the farm because of it's position near the Lovers Lake gate. I think it's possible that they are investigating Will's memories, and trying to induce them to come back. The opening scene as we all know happens at Castle Byers. Will wants to go for his own self-development and discovery, Mike tags along because that's his boyfriend bestie, and Robin tags along after developing a soft spot for Will and to get a glimpse at how the two interact.

3. Where are the others at (why only them three)? Also in episode 4, we have Nancy, Jon, Dustin and (probably since it's his car) Steve as a group all travelling from the McCorkle farm into the Upside Down. Perhaps they split off into their own missions, or something goes awry and this is the reconnaissance team sent in to find RoWillMike.

The one thing I do have extra confirmation of is that Millie has not been involved in any of the farm scenes, even the ones filmed in April. There is no way El is involved in this plot. Millie was also on a filming break during most of February.

The others all likely have a plotline together (Lucas/Erica/Joyce/Hopper/El). Vickie couullldd be there though?

Fin.

[bookshelfdreams]

Hiii I hope this isn't too forward, but your tags re: Ed's evolving reactions to abuse and Izzy as abuse-survivor-wish-fulfillment are incredible and it would lovely as its own post, if you felt comfortable doing so!

Aww thank you! The post in question

Also, tbf, I'm just obsessed with the rule of 3, whenever there's the slightest chance of seeing a pattern like this I'll pound on it with a sledgehammer until it fits.

Anyway. Ed has 3 abusive white men in his life; his father, Hornigold, and Izzy. And all 3 he deals with, to escalating effect.

His father is the one who exerts the most power over him. Ed clearly comes from a violent household, and as a child, he is obviously completely at his fathers non-existent mercy. He beats Ed's mother, throws dishware against the wall, and there was a deleted scene where he yelled at Ed's mother for "turning my son soft" (oh how I wish they'd kept that in. I can understand why they thought this was expendable, but it would have made the connection between Ed's father and Izzy so much more obvious).

Ed cannot protect himself, or his mother, against this violence - up until the moment that he can. The moment he realizes he is no longer weak and helpless, he retaliates in the only way that he has ever seen conflicts be resolved. He knows that he can't intimidate his father into better behaviour, if he wants to end the abuse it has to be permanent. So he just fucking kills the bastard.

This is, of course, Not Ideal. Even 30odd years later, he feels monstrous and unlovable because of this moment. The violence scars him. Not because he was wrong in killing his father, necessarily; the show doesn't judge him for it. But Ed destroyed the life he could have had when he did it, and he wounded himself.

Violent solution? Possible, but he deserved better.

Next up, Hornigold, who is also a mean, abusive bastard. He represents the avoidance solution: Leave and never look back. We do not know what became of Hornigold after Ed left his ship, but 02x03 implies that Ed expects him to still be alive somewhere. Ed clearly suffered horrific abuse at his hands, both physical and emotional, and even though that is years in the past, he clearly never dealt with any of it. Gravybasket!Hornigold tells him "Sorry doesn't rebuild an abdominal wall. You gotta move on.": Don't expect an apology, don't try to make amends, just ignore what happened. Apologies are pointless, you can never expect your abuser to change his behaviour. So just try to get away from him and ignore him.

This also doesn't really work. In the gravy basket, Ed is clearly still desperate for Hornigold's approval - and is refused, as he probably was often when he sailed with him. "You're never good enough" is one of the core mantras of abusers. Hornigold is still living in Ed's head, and heart, and soul; the poison he fed him is still alive and well within him. Ed even tries a violent solution this time, but obviously that can't work.

Still, avoidance is better than violence. Hornigold is left behind, standing on that cliff, while Ed goes back into the light. Ed doesn't have to take him with him. He cannot make Hornigold regret what he did, but he can remove himself from his clutches.

And then there's Izzy. With Izzy, Ed obviously has the most ambivalent relationship. He seems to truly like Izzy, to some extend (why is that would be another post, but as briefly as possible: I think Izzy provides an interpersonal dynamic that is familiar, and therefore, a twisted kind of safe for Ed. Chronic mistreatment will embed in you the idea that there's something wrong with you, and that's something Izzy is all too willing to point out to Ed. Crucially though, Izzy is someone who's approval is actually attainable. Ed keeps around someone who will tear him down, yes, but who it is also possible to impress, and over who he has authority. He's going back to the previous relationships, only now he is in a position of power, and that may feel like he can fix them. Obviously this isn't exactly a healthy dynamic. Izzy, for his part, clearly gets a kick out of the power and status being Blackbeard's first mate gives him, and manipulating Ed into doing what he wants. Just watch how pissed he gets when his control over Ed starts to slip.).

And there's another, crucial difference: Izzy wants to come around. Izzy is the fantasy of the toxic person who realizes how shitty his behaviour is, and who deep down, cares enough to want to fix it. Who recognizes the pain he caused, and who tells Ed the things he most needs to hear: I hurt you, and I'm sorry. You didn't deserve this. I was wrong; you're fine.

And then - and this is also an important part of the wish fullfilment fantasy! - he dies. Ed doesn't have to deal with him anymore. We remove the possibility that he goes back on his apology, or tries to use that as a wedge to carve out a space for himself in Ed's life, or goes back to manipulating Ed. No. The apology has to be the final note this relationship ends on.

And this fixes it. Ed can look back on Izzy fondly.

He was a fucking nightmare. What a guy.

[straykids-gives-me-life]

Straykids when you feel uncomfortable around a guy at a bar

⩤ Chan ⩥

i feel like most people forget how much chan actually cares about people.

so when it comes to you, the second you say you feel the slightest bit off, he wont leave your side.

"which guy, baby?"

when you've pointed him out, chan will be sending him death glares the whole night.

when he gets up to go to the bathroom, he'll take his drink and "fall" near the guy, spilling beer all over him.

"oh! so sorry about that mate"

comes back over to you with a proud smirk on his face.

⩤ Minho ⩥

this man will go from having the biggest smile on his face to the most angriest frown you've ever seen.

you'll tell him that his looks are making you a little uncomfortable and he will go full on protection mode.

he won't be afraid to speak to him either.

and by speak to him I mean hurl insults at him across the bar.

"hey asshole! stay away from my girl, alright?"

will not let you out of his sight for more than five seconds after that.

⩤ Changbin ⩥

changbin would go over and have the most aggressive conversation of his life with that guy.

if he still carries on staring at you like he was, changbin will have no problem with grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and yelling in his face to leave you alone.

"look at her one more time, you're dead. understand?"

that guy would go on to never spare a glance at you again :)

to changbin, that's the mission accomplished.

⩤ Hyunjin ⩥

would get super pissed but be more subtle than maybe changbin and lee know.

i mean, hyunjin would feel the need to go over and gouge his eyes out with a teaspoon for making you feel uncomfortable but unfortunately murder is illegal so 🤷‍♀️

he would stare into the back of the guy's head until his eyes started to water.

when the man would turn to look at you again, hyunjin would simply click his fingers and spin his finger in a circular motion, telling the guy to turn right back around again because you were his and wanted nothing to do with him.

and that's on having a hot asf and chill ass bf <3

⩤ Han ⩥

pre-debut han would make an appearance.

this man would feel so awful for not noticing but then so angry that it happened.

especially to you.

he would, with no hesitation, go over there, sit next to him and scream in his face for like twenty minutes before coming back over to you and the guys and acting like nothing happened.

and trust me, if that guy did it again, his head would end up in a cement wall :)

⩤ Felix ⩥

would spend more time comforting you than actually staring out the guy but oh well.

we love a caring bf <3

if he himself caught the guy looking at you, he would do the tongue thing where he puts his tongue behind his cheek and ughsfsfssfssjafgiasbfia.

^sorry that just makes me feel some kind of way.

he hates yelling at people so he would try and stay calm but the more that he does it, the angrier felix gets.

he eventually goes off and gets you all kicked out but oh well.

better than being perved on.

⩤ Seungmin ⩥

he would be so fucking sassy oml.

would sit directly behind the guy so every time he goes to look at you, seungmin will come in with:

"can i help?"

he would be sending him so many dirty ass looks.

seungmin would definitely go up behind you and stand directly in his line of vision to piss him off even more.

"turn the fuck around. pervert."

he slays tho tbf.

⩤ Jeongin ⩥

he'd go from innocent to defensive real quick.

his hands would go even veinier and he would be pushing his hair back every five seconds.

this man would be so fucking annoyed that he would start snapping at all of the guys.

it's not like he meant to it's just he hated how that man was looking at you.

he wouldn't be able to resist not going up.

jeongin would instantly grab the guy by his shirt, pull him up out of his seat and drag him out, shutting the door on him.

"you even think about her again and I'll kill you."

A/N: my ask me anything is always open to pls pls pls send in requests for these or any ideas for the skz fake texts. i'd love to hear your ideas and it would rlly help me out. love you all sm and have a good day <3

[mechanicalpiper]

helluo....would u write a henchman who Really likes cats and villain who has cat based power (which technically means they also have the habits of a cat (i.e loaf, etc etc.)) . wirh the ears n tails n stuff

HENCHMAN X VILLAIN? SAY NO MORE!

Love this prompt, was a really fun write :3

Got fuckin sappy with this one (I mean tbf I have for most of them but you know)

Snippet #6

Henchman peeked up from their work again for maybe the thousandth time so far- they couldn't keep themself focused on the paperwork on their desk with that view constantly at the side of the room!

Villain was laying prone across one of the couches in the room. They were usually meant for people waiting on Henchman for meetings and whatnot but about an hour ago Villain just sat down and got comfy, idly batting around a small pet toy in front of them.

Henchman couldn't take their eyes off- they'd barely completed half a page of the stack in front of them since Villain settled there.

They just looked so goddamn cute!! Their fluffy little cat ears flicking around playfully, their genuine enjoyment of and intent focus on the toy in front of them despite their typical seriousness, their generally adorable face looking so content right now-

"Do you need something, Henchman?"

They snapped out of their daydream at Villain's firm voice calling them out for losing focus, still just as stern and precise as ever despite their adorably tonally unfitting current activity.

"N-Not at all, Villain!" Henchman hastily lied, directing their attention back at their paperwork.

"Then don't lose focus."

Henchman looked down at their paper, trying their hardest to keep their attention on it... but god, they couldn't take their mind off Villain. They so badly wanted to just... pet them, feel that soft fur, hear lil sounds of contentment from them...

After about a minute of failing to keep their mind on anything but their adorable feline boss, they sighed and looked back up.

They weren't sure if asking this was a good idea, but they figured it was either this or disobey Villain by continuing to get nothing done, and they'd rather do absolutely anything than disobey Villain.

"V-Villain?"

They looked up from the toy again to see Henchman... blushing. They weren't sure why, but it was honestly kind of adorable to see. "Yes?"

"I'm, uh... well- uh, I'm getting a little too... d-distracted to focus? Can I take a small break-?"

They hastily whispered something after 'break' that Villain couldn't quite make out. They cocked their head to the side in a way that made Henchman melt just a little more.

"What was that last part, Henchman?"

"O-OH, uh, well, it- uh, well, y'know, it's like- well, I mean-"

"Shh." Villain interrupted, causing Henchman to stop instantly. "Take your time."

It flustered Henchman even more, but they kept it together enough to take a few deep breaths and gather their thoughts.

"Okay... I also- well, I didn't mean to, but-"

"Focus."

"U-Understood. I... asked if I could maybe... pet you a little, too...?"

Henchman was both blushing like mad and was nervous as all hell. It was such a stupid thing to ask, especially to someone this powerful, notorious, and rather amoral. They braced for the reacti-

"Eh, sure. I've got nothing better to do."

Henchman blinked a few times in surprise, processing that they were actually just granted permission before being completely overtaken by excitement.

"REALLY?" They squealed embarrassingly loud, still trying to be careful just in case.

"Ow- Quiet! But... yes." They grumbled back.

"Q-Quiet! Got it!!" Henchman stuttered out, quickly and eagerly going around their desk to the couch. They kneeled next to the couch to be directly next to Villain's head laying on it instead of awkwardly sitting next to their sprawled form.

They took another quick deep breath when they got there to steady themself- they didn't want to be TOO overzealous and make Villain regret their decision. Keeping themself calm for Villain's sake, they gently reached a hand out to brush it across Villain's head... and they let out a gasp, almost melting on the spot.

It was so, so much better than they could've imagined.

It was soft. Not just Villain's precious cat ears, but their beautiful hair entirely! Villain's ears even twitched and they let out a small, adorable sigh on contact!

What got to Henchman the most, though was the temperature.

It was so... warm. Villain was so warm.

Henchman couldn't remember the last time they felt anything like it.

They reached their hand slightly forward to scratch behind Villain's ears. The little sigh that escaped, the visible release of tension as Villain felt the scratch... Henchman had never seen anything so precious in their life, they couldn't get enough of it!

They moved their other hand up as well to pet Villain with both, who let out a typical catlike drawn-out, squeaky yawn in response that almost brought Henchman to tears.

Still maintaining contact, they slowly went from kneeling by the couch to sitting on top of it just next to Villain... who pulled themself forward to rest their head on Henchman's lap.

So much built up serotonin flooded through Henchman, they felt like they could've died on the spot, but they were more than content with that happening by now. The feeling of Villain on their lap, accepting their affection like this... the immense, wonderful sensation of warmth wasn't just physically. They felt so, so comfortable. Safe. Content.

Minutes passed as Henchman cherished every passing second they got to spend like this. They didn't realize how much they'd been wanting... any kind of comforting touch at all, let alone from Villain.

Villain didn't expect to like it... but here they were, relaxed in Henchman's lap, feeling their touch, hearing their precious, flustered, loving, grateful little noises and reactions... they could get used to this. It felt amazing to make Henchman so happy.

As minutes passed, Villain slowly began to doze off. From another small yawn to precious little mumbles to the tiny, slow breaths of sleep, it was impossibly easy to drift off in an environment this comfortable.

It didn't take long for Henchman to follow.

The most peaceful, restful night of either of their lives followed... and even better ones were soon to follow.

Neither had felt so safe before.

[squeeneyart]

It has been a while since I read a Better World AU from Gravity Falls, and yours is by far the best.

I kind of remember that was another version but called Hoodie AU, if I’m right. Although it was much darker.

I don’t know if you’re continuing developing this AU, but still, it’s amazing the details you have put.

I think this version is much more optimistic despite the angst both in the AU and what was shown in Journal 3 when the parallel dimension was mentioned.

Tbf, I’ve never wondered what happened to Stan in Better World AU, that question only came after I read the fanfics that speculated about his whereabouts.

man, now that's a throwback! Glad you enjoyed my take on it haha. I think the last time I sketched something for it was something like 8 years ago which. hoo boy thats wild to think about.

I remember reading the journal and latching onto that part immediately, but even with the angst factor, I really loved (and still love!) the tone and themes of the cartoon. stan is someone who scrabbles to survive (usually due to his own mistakes!) but deep down wants to have a connection to others, especially his family! simply put, grunkle stan Will be everyone else's problem and some monsters chasing him across the world Will Not Stop Him

thanks for the ask! have a stan sketch

[Image description: A digital colored sketch of Grunkle Stan on a boat, looking down confused at a postcard.

Stan: We're in the middle of the ocean, how the f-

EndID]

[grailfinders]

Grailfinders #339: Super Bunyan

Félicitations! today on Grailfinders we’re building the one true president of the US of A, Super Bunyan! they’re mostly a Rune Knight Fighter to get big and punch people, but you’re focusing on teamwork now, which is why you’re a splash of a Peace Cleric. friendship!

check out her build breakdown below the cut, or her character sheet over here!

next up: a powerful rat not named Charles Entertainment Cheese

Ancestry & Background

good news, those pills from Dream worked and Bunyan’s normal now. so she’s a Human. yeah just a normal one. she gets +1 Constitution and Wisdom, as well as proficiency with Deception (no judging, the proles don’t need to know everything you’re up to), and the Magic Initiate feat. now you can Create Bonfires for some homestyle bbq, Mold Earth to make gold statues with no budget, and Find Familiar to get yourself a mike. the alligator, not the sound equipment. though tbf you’ll need both.

stop me if you heard this one before- you need to constantly make money or people get angry with you, and you make things that could generously be described as art. that’s a Bunyan all right, and that’s also a Guild Artisan! with this background, you gain proficiency with Insight and Persuasion to scout for actors and convince them to work for no money. you literally have a director in your pocket at all times, I’m sure she’ll help out.

Ability Scores

first up is Constitution. there’s a lot of bunyan, and that means a lot of HP. second highest is Strength, because you still punch people good, and you have the lifting capacity of three people. because you are three people. we’re still only building bunyan though. third is Wisdom, bc again you have three pairs of eyes to watch out with. this does mean your Charisma is a bit low, but it makes sense. you’re good enough at it to keep people happy while you’re there, but the second you leave it all goes to shit. that also means your Dexterity is low bc you’re a big target, but we’re dumping Intelligence. you’ve got people to think for you.

Class Levels

1. Fighter 1: starting off as a fighter, you get the Unarmed Fighting Style, turning your fists into d8 weapons (or d6s if you have one hand busy). you can also automatically deal damage to anything you’ve grappled- not a lot, but it’s a nice bonus. you also get a Second Wind once a short rest, letting you heal up as a bonus action. you wouldn’t think you could chug maple syrup that fast, but I guess anything’s possible when you’re president.

you also get proficiency with Strength and Constitution saves, as well as Animal Handling to keep Mike on your shoulders and Athletics.

2. Fighter 2: second level fighters can make an Action Surge once a short rest, adding an extra action to your turn. now you can use up all your spell slots in like, one turn! or you can punch more, your choice.

3. Cleric 1: at first level you get Spells you can cast and prepare like all clerics by using your Wisdom, but you also become an Implement of Myths, giving you proficiency in Performance so you can star in your own movie! a leader has to look good in front of a camera these days.

you can also forge an Emboldening Bond, bonding a couple allies as an action for up to a minute. while bonded, any two creatures within 30’ of each other can add a d4 to their attacks, checks, or saves once a minute. you can use this proficiency times a day. admittedly the attack bonus kind of falls off once you’re making multiple attacks per turn, but having a near permanent resistance bonus is great for defense.

speaking of, your spells! for cantrips, Guidance lets you backseat game everyone around you, but in a good way, giving them a d4 bonus to their next skill check. you also get Thaumaturgy so everyone can hear you no matter what they do to escape, and the Light cantrip to keep your films watchable. don’t make the same mistakes as game of thrones.

you also get two free first level spells, Heroism and Sanctuary. the former lets you turn any random schmo into a hero worthy of the big screen, with more HP and immunity to being frightened, while the latter will keep the angry mob off you and onto Guda. hey, we all have to make sacrifices here for movie magic! outside of the freebies, I guess Command is a good pick to be bossy with, though it’s limited to one-word demands.

4. Fighter 3: oh thank god we’re out of the spellcaster levels. back in good ol’ martial territory it’s time to become a Rune Knight, letting you carve runes into items you keep on hands to… basically cast spells with. dammit.

as a Rune Carver, you can pick two runes from a list, all of which give passive buffs as long as you’re holding onto them, but you can also activate them for a short-term super buff once per short rest per rune. our runes of choice starting out are the Fire Rune for doubled proficiency with tool checks, as well as the option to douse an enemy with red-hot maple syrup upon hitting them, dealing fire damage and restraining them until they make a strength save, or until a minute passes. you also get the Stone Rune, giving you advantage on insight checks and Darkvision, and you can activate it to force a wisdom save on a nearby creature. if they fail, they’re charmed and spend their turn posing for the camera until they succeed. (btw, all your DCs for this class use your constitution.)

your simp-based powers also let you grow with Giant Minute for a minute at a time, making you Large and giving you advantage on strength checks and saves. you also deal an extra d6 of damage once a turn! you can check your twitter proficiency times a day, which is frankly healthier than how often most people use it.

5. Fighter 4: at level four you get your first Ability Score Improvement, and tbh you need that Strength boosted just a lil bit. it’s not as convoluted as the last two levels, but hitting’s good.

6. Fighter 5: in fact, hitting’s so good you can do it more times now! fifth level fighters get an Extra Attack, letting you attack two times per action. it’s like attacking, but extra!

7. Fighter 6: sixth level fighters keep those ASIs coming, and we’re going to use this one to learn the Strike of the Giants, putting a lil stank on your fists when you punch people. and by stank I mean Fire. you can add 1d10 fire damage once per turn, proficiency times a day. you could pick other options if you like, but your NP isn’t complicated, and neither is the fire option.

8. Fighter 7: at level seven you gain a Runic Shield to protect your precious employés. when one of them gets hit while you can see them, you can react to force a re-roll on the attack against them, up to proficiency times a day. you need those likes, and you can’t get them if your supporters are dead!

9. Fighter 8: another ASI already! grab the Ember of the Fire Giant for +1 Strength and another source of mapley debuffing goodness. you resist fire damage, and you can deal it with a Searing Ignition, making a lil aoe of fire damage that also forces everyone inside to make a wisdom save or become blinded for a round. you can also use this once per turn, proficiency times a day. I honestly think it’s really weird your NP isn’t an aoe this time around, but we can skirt that rule thanks to this being a debuff.

10. Fighter 9: ninth level fighters are Indomitable, letting you re-roll a failed save once a day. it feels a bit weird that they’re more strict about this than the extra action, but I also wouldn’t send pinkertons to someone’s house so maybe WotC just knows something I don’t.

11. Fighter 10: tenth level rune knights have a Great Stature, giving you a couple extra inches even when you’re not in your super mode. still have a ways to go to catch up to the old you though. also you deal more damage while big.

even better, you have the Cloud Rune now, so delightful assassin’s giving you advantage on Sleight of Hand checks all the time, and you can use your reaction to redirect attacks targeting you onto another creature! I’m sure your employés won’t mind, it’s in their contract.

12. Fighter 11: another level, another Extra Attack! now you can attack three times a turn! fight on, bunyan!

13. Fighter 12: use this ASI to round out your Strength score with the Crusher feat! once a turn you can push a creature when you bludgeon it, and if you crit with a bludgeoning attack all attacks against that creature are made with advantage until your next turn! if I got hit by a fist larger than I am, I think I’d be pushed back too.

14. Fighter 13: congrats, it’s another Indomitable. they uh… they kind of ran out of new stuff to give fighter at this point.

15. Fighter 14: another ASI nets you the Eldritch Adept feat, giving you a free requirementless Eldritch Invocation from warlock! the only one I want is Armor of Shadows for the free mage armor casts. you don’t wear armor, and your dexterity is +0, you need this.

16. Fighter 15: at fifteenth level you are now a Master of Runes, doubling your activated rune usage and recharging them on short rests rather than long ones. congrats, you’ve unlocked the Koyanskaya system. NP spam away.

also you get the Frost Rune now, mostly because there wasn’t any other one I wanted. you always have advantage on Animal Handling and Intimidation checks, but you can also invoke it for a +2 bonus on all Strength and Constitution saves.

17. Fighter 16: yet another ASI, but for once we’re putting this one in Constitution. more health equals less dead!

18. Fighter 17: another level of “nothing new, but more old”. you can now Action Surge twice a short rest, and you’re Indomitable three times a day. it’s not a huge change, but it is change we can believe in. bunyan 2024, there’s still time.

19. Fighter 18: 18th level rune knights are Runic Juggernauts, increasing the damage you deal while big to a d10, increasing the max size possible in this mode to Huge, and increasing your melee reach by 5’, the only fucking way I’ve seen to increase your reach while growing which is weird, right? with this last feature, you’re finally able to measure up to your past self. congrats.

20. Fighter 19: one last level, grab the Tough feat for an extra 40 HP. if we go by the OG version of how HP works, I’m pretty sure you’re the only servant we’ve built so far that would have more than 1, and that should reflect in your actual HP total.

Pros & Cons

Pros:

like the other one, super bunyan brings a lot of Utility with boosted skills and a bunch of little trinkets that can help out in random situations. also, while you don’t have a lot of cleric magic, it’s still one of the better spell lists in the game to pull from, so you’ll be fine.

speaking of spells, you pack a pretty solid Magical Defense thanks to all your indomitability, protections from good and evil, and your bonds of friendship make all your saves a bit better. add in your big HP bar, and attacking you with fireballs and the like doesn’t seem like such a good idea.

thanks to your overlapping punch addons, you can choose how hard you hit pretty easily, either spacing out your searing ignitions and giant strikes and runes for consistently high damage, or shoving them all in on a critical hit for burst damage instead. it’s not a ton of variety, but it’s the big-picture strategic thinking that made you the boss in the first place.

Cons:

while when you deal your damage is flexible, your damage types aren’t. you have fire, and bludgeoning. and the bludgeoning isn’t even magical, so good luck fighting anything tougher than Mary Anning.

you have a good amount of HP, but that really only matters if your AC is able to keep the worst of the attacks off you. and it can’t. your AC is terrible, this is why most people fight in something more than flannel.

unlike the OG, your Mobility isn’t improved in any way from just walking around, so being huge and walking through a fight can be a huge issue, making you the target of plenty of attacks of opportunity. no wonder this bunyan only gets big for her NP.

[theanticool]

Lately ive been seeing multiple top ten lists that squeeze in kamaru usman at number 9 or 10. Do you think this is a fair assessment or recency bias? I feel like having 2 of his title defenses against bum ass Masvidal kinda works against his legacy. Obviously usman is a much more complete well rounded fighter than izzy hut i think theres an argument to be made Izzy had a better level of competition. I wonder if one of Usmans victims (strickland) becoming mw champ is whats propelling him to top ten status since what seemed like a random win at the time is now aging extremely well

Yeah, sadly half of Usman’s titles wins (Colby 2, Masvidal 2, and Woodley) aged really poorly. TBF the Masvidal and Colby rematches were crap from the jump. Woodley went on to lose every round of MMA he fought after Usman and threw like 10 punches combined. I do think the first Masvidal and Colby wins (+Burns) are worth a lot but if we’re holding those up as Usman’s big career wins? How do they match up against the best wins of Fedor, Silva, GSP, Aldo, Holloway, Volk, DJ, Jones, DC, Lawler, Khabib, Alvarez, Poirier, TJ, Cruz, McGregor, Islam, Do Bronx, BJ, Edgar, Stipe, Whittaker, or Izzy (I’m leaving a lot of names out). I just don’t think the wins are there to be honest. I also don’t give Usman too much credit for his win over Strickland because this is the same guy who was losing to Zaleski dos Santos and Ponz at 170lbs. Good fighters but not on anyone’s top 30 greatest fighters in WW history. Sean’s best win at 170 is arguably Nordine Taleb.

The story of Usman’s title reign was one of rebirth and gridlock at welterweight imo. Lawler, Woodley, Condit, and Wonderboy were aging out. Hendricks ate his way out 170. Then you had guys like Usman and Colby coming up on the old guard (Maia, Woodley, RDA) while Masvidal just so happened to get hot at the right moment off beating a guy who had heat but wasn’t as good as we thought (Till) and a loudmouth meme generator with a nonfunctional hip (Askren).

But guys like Leon, Belal, and - to a lesser extent - Rakhmonov, Chimaev, etc were kind of left on the outside looking in. Once Colby and Masvidal established themselves as contenders and stars(?), they did not interact with anyone else again. For as good as they had been on the rise, I’d argue neither Colby or Masvidal ever solidified themselves in real Max Holloway/Robert Whittaker “I’m going to be at worst the #3 fighter in this division for a long time” way. And it’s still a thing we are dealing with years later. It took Leon and Belal like 10 fights with no losses to get a title fight. And Belal only just got his this year! That’s insane. He came up at the same time as Colby and Usman! With no immediate stars at 170, we’re probably back to guys getting to mix it up across the rankings so I’m happy the division is finally out of gridlock. The logjam seems to have passed.

Another knock against Usman is he hasn’t really had anything to show in his post-prime. When Aldo, Holloway, and Whittaker, for example, lost their titles? They proceeded to come back and just start picking off contenders. Taking big fight after big fight. To his credit, I thought Usman looked good in his fight with Chimaev for the circumstances he found himself in. I think he might still have some gas in the tank. A couple big name wins would really boost his resume.

But ultimately? ATG list are subjective. I don’t think the welterweight division has gotten significantly better since the days of GSP like some of these other divisions have, but that’s my opinion. I do think you’re correct about recency bias though. A lot of modern MMA fans don’t actually know anything about the sport pre-2019 though

[gettothestabbing]

Relationship Doubts and Venting

For context, I've never had a long-term relationship before. I was technically 'with' a guy for two years, but after 6 dates our first month, I had to move, and so only saw him twice more in person after that. He insisted on EMAIL communcation only. So we essentially made no progress on actually getting to know each other.

So now, I've been with my current boyfriend for 5 months, and have known him for 6. We met on a dating app. We find each other very attractive, we're both conservative and want multiple children, we're both deadset on no sex before marriage, and we get along quite well. I enjoy being around him, and I've introduced him to my church and my coworkers on different occasions, starting from our first month together.

But on our last date, he started asking me questions about how my denomination handles weddings and what I would like my own wedding to be like. I was honest about what I liked, and finished by saying I wasn't ready to be engaged yet. But from things he's said, I have a feeling he's decided that I'm the one and is only waiting until I say something similar back to make it official.

That's so exciting, and flattering, and yet I know I'm not ready for it.

I still have a lot of concerns and unknowns about him. In no particular order, please enjoy all my concerns:

1: I still haven't met any of his family. We almost went bowling with his sister but she had a last-minute scheduling conflict. He's been living with his brother for several years, but he didn't even tell that brother about me yet. He says this brother is just very quiet and that they aren't close. But they've lived together for over 10 years, and my BF drives an hour EACH WAY to see me for every date. Where does the brother think he's going?

2: We never go to his area, partly because my work schedule is much less forgiving than his. This also means I've never seen his bedroom or home, including pictures. I've asked about this more than once, and he kinda dismisses it, saying it's just nicer to be in my area/house.

3: He's eight years older than me. I'm okay with the age gap in theory. In practice, we definitely grew up in very different eras and families. He's one of five kids, and I'm one of two sisters. I think he was harshly disciplined, and he indicated that he would physically discipline any children he has, though he added caveats restricting that discipline to certain behaviors from boys over the age of 15. But it still concerned me, because it wasn't coming from a place of "last resort" so much as from a place of "I got this so he would too."

Similarly, we don't agree on circumcision. His arguments for it consisted of "I was," "it's ugly otherwise," "he'll be bullied if he doesn't get it," and "there are some slight health benefits I think."

4: He was raised Catholic. I don't have an issue with Catholics generally, but I have known of several Catholic-CS couples who did not work out because of the vast denominational differences. I've also been personally warned by more than one CS woman of marrying a Catholic man, because they were prevented in their marriages from practicing their faith by their own Catholic husbands. TBF to my BF, he doesn't seem like he would be this kind of husband, but I don't know for sure because he doesn't seem to understand how different our beliefs actually are?

While my BF says he is looking for a new denomination, he's fundamentally incurious about other denominations, including my own. It seems like he is only looking to leave Catholicism because of political disaffection with Pope Francis and not because of an actual theological disagreement. He did Lent this year same as he ever did. He even admitted to not knowing the difference between Catholic and Protestant beliefs. He thought Peter wrote one of the Gospels (and he went to Catholic schools all his life).

It's just baffling to me that he isn't really interested in learning about different theologies and practices, while still claiming that he IS interested. It's words with no action following. I keep trying to show him stuff about my Bible study or my church. He's gone to a few services with me, but he never wants to talk about the content after. He just says the people there are nice.

Occasionally he makes jokes about wearing cult robes or bringing a goat to sacrifice to my church. This is because CS is often excluded from mainstream interfaith discussions and derided as a cult. Obviously, it's not a cult by any definition. I'm sensitive about this sort of joke, as not only do I truly hate cults like Scientology (for which we are also mistaken a lot unfortunately) and what they do to good people, but I was teased and bullied for my religion several times as a child and teenager.

5: Really, more than anything else, it's the incurious nature that concerns me. I'm not wealthy or an elite or anything, and never will be at my income level. But I do deeply value education, art, and learning. These are the things my family values too. I don't think I can be with someone permanently who doesn't value those things. I don't want to be overly pushy or self-centered either: it's not as if I want someone who only likes the stuff I like. But I don't want to only have small talk forever.

The few times we've had deeper discussions, he ends them as fast as possible, and his statements are rather vague and disconnected. While I wish we did agree on circumcision as an issue, I was more concerned with how poorly he defended his opinion, as well as how dismissive he was of my thoughts. I mean, I guess since I'm not a guy my opinion doesn't matter as much? But my arguments weren't about personal experience, but about empirical evidence and psychological studies. Idk. I regretted that conversation a lot; I got into lawyer-mode and was too blunt. For a few weeks afterward, he seemed like he was upset, but when I asked, he insisted he wasn't and that he didn't care. He also became more vulgar in our conversations after that. I had to ask him to scale it back.

None of these things individually are "dealbreakers". I'm not afraid of compromise and of us being our own people. But we do need to know some big things about each other and come to some important agreements before I would be ready to get engaged to him.

I'm hoping that when he meets my dad and stepmom next week, that will give me further insight. Good kissing and political agreement alone cannot a good marriage make.

[vaguely-concerned]

A Stitch In Time First Read Reactions & Thoughts Monster Post Part 3

Stumbling over the finish line if not in style then with enthusiasm!

Part 1, Part 2

- Odo looked as if he could use a spell in his bucket; I had rarely seen him looking so run-down.

<3 I love one goo man 

“I’d better get this information to Captain Sisko,” Odo decided.

“Would you rather I tell him?” I offered. Odo looked positively drained; he needed to return to his liquid state.

Every time Odo is changeling-sleep deprived Garak starts to hear kill bill sirens and flash back to ‘the die is cast’. It is kind of sweet that he seems to be worried for his friend and not trying to gain an advantage or sneak around here tho. 

The ironies of the situation both amused and irritated me. Here I was, the invaluable decoder of Cardassian encryptions containing life-and-death information for the Federation—and they won’t trust me with the code to wake up Captain Sisko. Ah well, it was never easy being a Cardassian on this suspended chunk of desolation. And then I laughed out loud. But what about Odo? The last time I looked he was a changeling, a member of the race of Founders that was determined to destroy the Alpha Quadrant. Not only did he have the captain’s wake-up code, he also slept with the station’s second-in-command.

LMAO you know what fair fucking point garak. Tbf I’m sure there are some people who’ve been assuming you’ve been fucking the chief medical officer too 

But if Damar had thrown his support to the rebels … if it wasn’t a ploy… I wanted my revenge on him, yes, but not at the expense of liberating Cardassia. And it wasn’t just liberating the planet from the control of a foreign power. It was closer… more personal. I wanted something that was even more difficult to attain—redemption.

The doors opened, and once again I was alert as I stepped into the deserted corridor and moved past the sleeping quarters to my own. It was time, I kept repeating in my head. It was time to take our place among the planets and peoples of the Alpha Quadrant as a civilized and open society. It was time to repair the damage. “A stitch in time saves….” What? What was that expression?

*pats him very gently and lovingly on the head* This man can unironically fit so much character development in him

“You’re Khon-Ma, aren’t you?” She didn’t respond. “Being the only Cardassian on this station, I expected you a long time ago. What kept you?”

She should shoot you actually just for this

I stopped. What’s the point, I thought. All the stories were beginning to run together and they all had the same ending.

Smoking gun of ‘hm I think there might be some unreliable narration still lingering here’ lol. In a way all but openly admitting that like this is probably more like telling the truth for garak than telling the actual truth would be. From how we see him interact with Toran in the show I buy that the emotional truth about this is basically as he tells it tho — I think he’s angry and disgusted with himself more for having been unable to stop something from happening and taking that as being as responsible for it as the asshole who caused it, rather than actively making it happen himself. That’s the kind of pattern he has in so many other places in his life too, trying to navigate in the very limited space and with the very limited agency being submissive to personalities like Tain and Toran leaves you. 

“And they were all killed,” she said even more softly.

“End of story, Remara.” I considered telling her how I had exacted my own revenge upon Toran, and that my only regret was that his death hadn’t come sooner… but what was the point? Another treacherous opportunist dies after tearing another hole in the fabric. What’s gained except the potential for more damage? I rose. The station’s gravity felt like it had increased threefold.

“If you’re going to kill me, get it over with. One way or the other I’d like to go to sleep.”

“Who gave the order?” she asked.

“What difference does it make? I did, if you like.”

Remara just looked at me. She lowered the phaser. Part of me was deeply disappointed. 

The ‘has he been thinking with his horny brain this whole time or is he passive-actively suicidal’ conundrum. I suppose there’s nothing saying it can’t be both but I also think it’s more on the second side than he’d like anyone to know. I guess there’s no easy way to tell the guy who saved your life that you don’t really care that much for said life most days, and if you were offered some plausible deniability…

“You’re going to have to leave this station. They’ll keep coming after you until someone succeeds. Goodbye, Elim.” She put her hand against the side of my face, and I felt the heat coming through. Perhaps her passion was a curse as a terrorist, but she was a whole person … and she had found redemption.

Chewing on the idea of being a whole person vs. ‘unfinished man’ and ‘mosaic person’ 

- Gul Toran is someone Tain has warned me to monitor periodically.

Ah so Four Lubak is the future Gul Toran (the asshole in the Natima Lang ep if I remember correctly)! I see. That also means his snarking about Toran being made Gul is entirely performative he’s known about it for years lmao that was literally just to be a bitch  yes wonderful

- The fact that Tain has an evil Romulan twin/soulmate and they hate each other fdskjfhdsa

- So interesting that it does take until middle-age and Palandine’s extended presence in his life before Garak’s sense of humor really emerges fully. It seems such an integral part of him in the show, it sure is Something that it basically had to be carefully tended to and supported like a lil flower by careful gardener’s hands (thank you Palandine I’m sorry your life is a nightmare) 

- But I must confess that the toast proposed by proconsul Merrok left me feeling much better about the whole affair.

. . . 

“At first I couldn’t think why you hated him,” I confessed.

“I don’t hate anyone, Elim,” he carefully explained. “I have a job to do—and sometimes it’s necessary to eliminate those enemies who can’t otherwise be dissuaded. And he was determined to block our interests at every juncture.”

“I don’t hate anyone” says man composed of about 98% hate per volume

“Oh yes, my boy—yes, you did excellent work. A job well done.” He had never complimented me with such unconditional enthusiasm. It was almost a demonstration of paternal pride.

“You see, I had this planned for a long time, Elim. But Tolan wouldn’t agree. He wouldn’t take on the assignment, and he wouldn’t pass on the information. But thankfully he trusted you, Elim.” Tain patted me on the shoulder, which meant I was dismissed.

Weaponizing Tolan’s memory against him. Fucked Up. 

- Fear and isolation, Doctor. You can’t have one without the other. Fear isolates and isolation is fear’s natural home. Just as my orchids need carefully prepared soil to protect them against disease and pests, fear needs the isolated circumstances to deepen and grow without connective or relational interference. When fear is allowed to flourish in its dark and lonely medium, then any evil that can be conceived by the fearful imagination will emerge.<

This whole chapter is so fucking good, and it starts slapping right from the beginning. The way this works not only as a description of the larger crimes of Cardassia, but also the shape of his own life. 

‘My orchids’ is very sweet, and a phrasing that occurs several times. 

My feelings are spent, my moral rationalizations are empty, and I can’t say it’s not my problem when I’m pulling and lifting and throwing bodies of people who once only wanted to go about the business of their lives.

His life has been a series of violent deconstruction followed by reassembly of the broken pieces, and this should have been the most shattering of all but it comes across as almost peaceful. He finally gets to have his soul to himself enough to make something meaningful with it and put it together in his own time and in the shape of his own truth, even in the middle of such a painful realization.  

Colonel Kira once told me how many Bajorans died during the Cardassian Occupation, and my mind rejected the figure like a piece of garbage. We’d been in the service of the state, I had told myself, and the state had determined what was necessary. But now I understand why she hated me. More important, I now understand that constant burning, almost insane look in her eyes.

. . . 

Most of us who are left, Doctor, are insane. We have to be in order to survive and emerge from our isolation. It’s the only way we can live with the pain of what we did. Or didn’t. Each of us accepts the amount of responsibility we are capable of bearing. Some accept nothing, and these people are quickly swallowed by their isolation, their insanity transformed into a rationalized evil. A smaller group accepts total responsibility, and their insanity is an unbearable burden that cripples and eventually grinds them down. The rest of us carry what we can and leave the rest. For myself, Doctor, when a corpse is too heavy to bury I try to remember to ask someone to help me.

This man can hold so much fucking character development 2 electric boogaloo and HOW!! Imagine early seasons Garak saying anything like this! Even while I’ll also buy that early seasons Garak does have the capacity to get to this point in the end after enough work. AND the way it goes with his dream of Cardassia as a mass grave earlier/later on in the book — which also sort of indicates that the person he’s asked to ‘bury these bodies with’, as it were, before, was specifically Bashir. ‘You taught me to ask for help’. I’m so fucking soft for all the ways Garak is showing him that he touched his life in the very best and most beautiful way anyone could, no matter where they go from here.  

- “I don’t know. I suppose I’m just trying to reconcile statistical analysis with Romulan gardens.” We lapsed into a long, stony silence. Usually she knew better than to expect a real answer when she did ask about my working life. We both tried not to venture into certain personal spaces; often the attempt functioned as a barrier. I’m sure she knew that I was more than a data analyst at the Hall of Records. She also understood that the less she knew about what I did the more chance our relationship had to survive. For the same reason I never asked about Lokar. The less information, the less damage if either one of us was betrayed.

Garak that’s kind of sloppy, of course she knows something’s up if you’re making it that easy to figure out lol

Another interesting detail: Palandine seemingly never learns that Tain is Garak’s biological father, then. Very emblematic of the way all those secrets were still getting between them despite their best efforts. And lending even more meaning to the fact that many years later he lets Julian find out in uh perhaps the most direct way possible haha. 

“I’m of two minds. I know, that’s just another way of saying that I’m confused.”

Huh. I wonder if the way this is phrased suggests that that’s not a common expression in Cardassian and he’s translating it directly from Standard or something, or that his uh. Mental confusion/dissociation/fragmentation pops up enough that she’s familiar with it already here? 

“Yes. What if they’re right? What if they could help us reclaim something noble in ourselves? Where does that leave us?” We stood looking at each other. The night wind gusted through the foliage and I wondered where I’d be if I didn’t have this woman’s friendship.

What a soft way to describe it. Really drives home the like. Wholeness of what she meant to him. 

“It was a while ago, Palandine. I don’t know if they’re in the same place … or if they even meet tonight.” Her enthusiasm rendered me as helpless as it did when I first met her.

Julian/Palandine parallels time yet again 

I looked at Palandine, and she now radiated with such light that I turned away, inexplicably embarrassed as if I had seen something I shouldn’t.

So sad somehow that they kind of drift apart in this scene, where Palandine finds something that helps her and he mostly seems to come away lost and confused, if cleansed. (and he still can’t cry with someone else in the room) 

After Palandine had left, I had spent the rest of the night sitting in the Grounds near the children’s area.

How is this so goddamn sad fhkjshfa. They’re still just children, and no one is going to come pick them up from the playground, no one is going to protect them

- “Yes, of course,” I replied. I took a deep breath, and my disparate parts began to snap back. 

Adrift from himseeelf. This is kind of what I meant about Palandine maybe picking up on some of his — this stuff. Which structurally pops back up in The Wire too, with how he tells the stories. 

“You look like you’re not eating anything,” Prang observed. If Tain was the father of the Obsidian Order, Prang was its mother.

LMAO. And he’s constantly worried about his saddest son I guess. Tain/Prang most cursed DS9 rarepair idea???

- His other hand was now probing my skull behind the right ear. The man’s ambidexterity was impressive.

Lol diversity win: the mad doctor about to implant you with experimental tech is ambidextrous!

Oh. Oh no it’s the wire time. The fact that he’s one of the first agents fitted with it b/c his hindbrain distress tolerance is too worryingly low  for their comfort…

When I tell you that this wire will give you no trouble, as long as you don’t meddle with it, you can believe me. You know that, don’t you, Elim?”

“Yes, I do, Mindur.” The man had never given me anything but superb technology and sound advice. “Please continue,” I submitted.

“Good boy.” Timor thumped my shoulder again.

HORROR SHOW CULTURE ONCE MORE and also. Praise kink revisited and made more interestingly fucked up. Also submission theme thread. 

Do you think he’d meddle with the wire eventually even if he hadn’t been exiled. I feel like there’s a non-zero chance of that.  

- I remembered the Hebitian frieze and its lush background. Of course we were different people: it was a different world. The more the forests receded, it seems, the more we covered ourselves. Their world didn’t need an agent of the Obsidian Order to investigate a group of prominent Cardassians who “happened” to be spending their vacation together. It didn’t have Enabran Tain targeting one of his bitterest enemies, Procal Dukat, a powerful member of the Central Command. And I’m certain it didn’t have fathers who refused to acknowledge their sons. If we lived on the next spiral of the cycle of life, how did we know it wasn’t going downward?

a) ‘what if the glass is not only half-empty but also leaking’ yes very cheery Garak and b) one of the rare times he lets not just his bitterness with Tain but also his longing to be acknowledged by him fully shine through. To me it seems like that’s the one thing that’s still too raw for him to dwell on in this narrative. He mostly doesn’t get into or sit with the pretty obvious fact that he loved Tain, and desperately wanted Tain to love him too. You can see the traces through the whole thing of just how angry he is with him now that he’s dead (GOOD! HE SHOULD BE! HE SHOULD BE ANGRIER; IF ANYTHING!), but that particular element of it seems too vulnerable to keep in sight most times

- PYTHAS IS BACK BA-BEY! 

His grace was even more refined as he moved to the small house that was our assigned base of operations. If anything could have taken my mind off downward spirals it was the appearance of Pythas. 

And the mutual crush endures (also with me I love a sneaky little twink)

“What was good for you, Elim, was usually agreeable to me as well,” he wryly observed.

The way Pythas is like Garak’s shadow — except in Garak’s eyes he does everything ‘right’, he doesn’t seem to have that same aching need for connection, he follows his orders easily, he’s perfect and he reaps the rewards Garak never gets. Garak never even resents or begrudges him any of it. And yet they end up in basically the same place when all’s said and done, in the ruins of Cardassia, and Garak might even win out b/c his trials with the mortifying ordeal of being known mean he has some people in his life he’s starting to truly trust, the way Pythas seems to with Nal as well. Thinking. A lot of things. 

Over the years, his modest demeanor and quiet ways had turned him into more of a solitary person than I ever was. I had learned to withdraw my presence as a tool, but I was always aware of my need for contact, and that my value as an operative lay in my ability to engage others in a nonthreatening manner that drew them out. Pythas had learned to withdraw his presence as a way of life—and he moved through the world like a shadow. I was not surprised that Tain had recruited him for the “invisibles.” It took a special person to be able to operate in such unrelentingly anonymous circumstances—no family, no fixed base or identity—and there was no doubt in my mind that he was one of the most brilliant agents in the Order. Our relationship picked right up where it had left off at Bamarren. Other than Prang, I have never met anyone where so much was communicated with so few words. His eyes had a depth and eloquence that told me everything I wanted to know. How ironic that my lust for conversation was satisfied by someone who rarely spoke.

Ah, so if Palandine is the proto-Julian, as it were (and Parmak is the silver fox Ersatz Julian), Pythas is definitely the anti-Julian as well as Garak’s shadow hahaha. 

- Garak is undeniably a city boy at the end of the day haha. Pythas help him out there in the jungle he doesn’t belong here I understand why you’re so worried

- In a way it was touching: the old man reverting to the mind control exercises he had learned as a child.

Garak. The warning bells. Should they perhaps be ringing merrily in your mind at this combination of words and letters. Oh well. 

- “Yes, it’s me.” I squatted so that I was at eye level. I tried to soften myself, round off all the sharp edges.

Yes yes yes this is such a good description of that Thing he does. His ‘just a lil guy/tailor/gardener/funny spy man’ move

‘Carriers of disease’ and spreading poison motifs are back. Dukat Sr. uses it here to describe cowardice/Federation ideals/hashtag the SJWs/the forces that threaten to disrupt the status quo of the fascist state. 

- I left the containment field in place and stepped outside to clear my head. No matter how objective I tried to remain, I could never remain totally unaffected by another man’s horror. Fear was a contagious disease.

This seems right to me — I don’t think anyone who could truly shrug off other people’s suffering would have to make up such webs of justification and alienation as Garak does to do what he does. Maybe that empathy is why he’s so good at it and also why it messes him up so bad over time 

His *Working 9-5 slowed down & with reverb plays softly in the background* vibe about it is undeniably kind of funny tho

Contagious disease thread cont too, and not the first time fear is spoken of that way

“Who are you?” he asked for the second time, fighting against the toxin’s effect. This was one tough old warrior.

“Your worst nightmare,” I replied.

“Ah,” he croaked. “Then Tain sent you.”

- YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE fhdkjshasjh good for you Pythas isn’t there to hear it that is so embarrassing Garak (affectionate)

- Garak dreaming of being buried with the still-whispering mass grave of Old Cardassia… what the fuck I don’t think I’d sleep ever again after that haha

Of all of the people he dreams of, most of them are dead (or potentially soon about to be dead? Not entirely sure how that works out for Mila in particular. And I guess we technically don’t know if Calyx is dead, but after so long it seems very likely), except as we find out later Pythas. And Palandine isn’t there. 

NO. NO YOU CANNOT TELL ME THE FIRST THING HE DOES IS CALL JULIAN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT  W H A  T 

“It’s not a medical emergency. Please, I realize this is an imposition.” There was a silence and I heard another voice in the background. Ezri Dax. A muffled conversation. The Doctor cleared his throat again.

“I’ll be right over,” he said.

This is so melancholy I want to disappear into a puddle of quiet yearning and never come back to solid form just put me in a bucket like the Odo. 

This is also the first time in this book Garak has asked Julian for help rather than Julian trying to approach him to give him help (and being rebuffed). He’s called for and he comes :’)

He gave me his puzzled look, which wrinkled his brow. I was always amazed at how deep the furrows were for one so young.

Soft little detail time yet again. Garak has been sitting across Julian for years just looking at this face and picking out new details. 

“ ‘There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.’” he quoted.

“Who’s that?” I asked.

“Shakespeare,” the Doctor replied.

“Hmmh.” I nodded in agreement, surprised that for once the author of the politically misguided Julius Caesar made sense.

Fhdskhfskjdfhsdjak you say that as if you didn’t quote the politically misguided Julius Caesar to your father’s face on a burning spaceship as you for the first time truly saw that he was as fallible as anyone else and invoking Bashir’s name in the process Garak

“Of who we are, Doctor. Our being. Human being. Cardassian being. But we have become these beings—are becoming, always in the process of becoming—on these other dimensional levels that are not limited by the measures of time and space. And the great determining factor of our becoming is relationship. Unrelated, I become unrelated. Alienated. Opposed, I become an antagonist. Unified, I become integrated. A functioning member of the whole.” The Doctor was thoughtful; his previous agitation had dissolved.

“You’re a scientist, Doctor. You have a deep understanding of this level. I don’t mean just the mechanics. You understand about relationship, the laws that attract and repel, the combinations that nurture and poison. Health and disease. Integrity and breakdown.”

“In your dream,” he said, “I presided over the burial of yourself and the people you were most intimately related to. Why?”

“You said, ‘for the good of the quadrant…. they must never be allowed to return.’ Why would you say that?” I asked.

“I can only think that….” He stopped and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Garak. This is not easy for me. I still can’t help thinking this was your dream. Even if I was invited … you were the playwright.”

“Yes, but put yourself in that part. Why would you bury these people and cover up the pit?” The Doctor looked at me in frustration. “Please. Indulge me. It’s vital that I have your answer.”

“If you and the others were carriers of some disease,” he shrugged. “In our fourteenth century on Earth there was a terrible plague, the Black Plague, which wiped out half of Europe’s population. People believed that the dead bodies had to be destroyed, burned … buried … because it was the only way to prevent the spread of the disease….”

. . . 

The Doctor was studying me with an interest in his face I hadn’t seen in years.

“Well? Is it the Black Plague, Doctor? Or just the ramblings of an old spy on the eve of battle?”

“You’re an amazing man, Garak.”

“And my gratitude to you can never be adequately expressed. But I shall try,” I promised.

“Please. What have I done?” he asked genuinely.

“That time you extended yourself so generously and found a way to remove the wire from my brain without killing me …”

“I would have done that for anyone,” the Doctor interrupted.

“I’m sure that’s true, but that’s not what I mean. All during the time the device was deteriorating, I was convinced I was going to die.”

“You were even resigned to it,” he reminded me.

“I was also convinced that it was all a dream, and I kept asking myself what you were doing there.”

The Doctor was puzzled. “But what you just told me, that our dreams are just another way we relate … ?”

“I had forgotten. That point of my life was perhaps the lowest. I had forgotten many things. When I ‘woke up’ and realized that because of you I was going to live—at that moment, I began to recollect some valuable information.”

“About dreams?” he asked.

“Yes. But specifically about relationships, and how they set the course of our lives. You not only ’saved’ my life, you also made it possible for me to live it.” The Doctor’s face darkened.

“What is it, Doctor?”

“The time I wounded you in that holosuite program ….”

“Yes,” I prompted expectantly.

“I never apologized for my action.”

“And you must never apologize!” I urged.

“Please, Garak. This is not the time to give me a lesson on how to behave like a hardened spy….”

“No, no, no. On the contrary, when you shot me, my dear friend, that was the next step in my process of remembering. I was going to sacrifice the others, the people you considered your friends, because that was the only way I could be sure to save myself. You opposed me. Indeed, you would have killed me if necessary.”

“I’m sure it would never have gotten to that point,” the Doctor muttered.

“You would have killed me,” I repeated. “For the greater good.” The cliche suddenly had another meaning for both of us. “This is my last trip to Cardassia. I’m not returning. You were in the dream for a very specific reason. Once again, you helped me remember. Thank you, Julian.” I put my hand on his shoulder.

“You’re welcome,” he smiled warmly. “And by the way. It wasn’t the dead bodies that carried the disease. It was later determined that it was the rats feeding on the bodies who were the transmitters.”

“Then I guess we’ll go to Cardassia and look for the rats,” I said.

“Be careful, Garak. And look after my hot-headed friend, will you?”

“Don’t worry. We’ll look after each other,” I answered him. He moved to the door. “Did you really have a dream about Hippocrates?” I asked.

“Yes. Actually I did.”

“Why am I not surprised?” I replied.

First name use…

Disease contagion imagery, and this time it’s very clearly symbolizing y’know the fascism of it all. Weirdly moving that Julian takes a moment to gently imply that the disease isn’t inherent in the people Garak loves and has loved (or in him, for that matter), but in the conditions that created them. 

There’s so much going on here idk if I could start to pick it apart yet, I may need to let this percolate in my skull for a while before I know what to say haha. I think part of it is Garak telling Julian to never apologize for showing him the full truth of himself (not least because that also lets Garak see the full truth of himself in turn), and Julian finally relaxing about. Something. He’s been ashamed about something he can finally let go of. 

‘I thought it was a dream, and kept asking myself what you were doing there’.......I will never emotionally recover from this I want to write fic specifically about this lord have mercy on me

- *Tain Voice* with your hippie bullshit and your women! 

*tiny garak voice* woman…

Over the years we rarely met outside his office; only an emergency or drastic change of plan would alter the routine. Now as we walked through the late morning sun and pedestrians at a leisurely pace I experienced a connection to the surrounding bustle and energy in a way that felt almost normal. A father and his son taking a stroll. Tain was heavier, and I could hear his breathing labor with the effort. He’s an old man, I thought. He’s mortal. I’d never thought about Tain in this way, and I became protective as we approached an aggressive knot of pedestrians at the edge of the Coranum Sector. One man was about to run Tain down when I intercepted his path and bumped him to the side. I ignored his challenge as we continued. “Yes, Elim. I’m getting old.” It wasn’t the first time he picked up my thoughts; this was how our conversations usually went.

HE BECAME PROTECTIVE 

You know the way he keeps touching Tain’s arm and shoulder in The Die is Cast, like he’s steadying him or about to step in front of him to protect him or something? Yeah… he burns his hands on this stove over and over and over but he can’t stop trying to touch it :(

This was so typical of his manipulation. Just moments ago I was feeling protective of this benign old man, my father. And now… the irony filled my mouth with a bitter taste.

This is always & forever first and foremost an Enabran Tain hate zone

He moved to the covered seating area, where the sun filtered through the old vegetation. I had never been here with anyone but Palandine. With a long sigh he settled into a patch of sunlight on the low bench.

He’s like a fucking strangle vine he just winds himself into every single part of garak’s existence and chokes the life out of it 

“Yes,” I answered. The benign mask was slipping, and I began to see the depth of his anger.

. . . 

“You don’t know!” he repeated with a disgust I hadn’t heard since I was a boy and failed to record all the details of one of our walks.

Oof. Ow. Ack. 

“And all this while, instead of giving up your life to the work, hardening yourself into a leader who could inspire others and expand the vision, you’re playing out Hebitian fantasies with another man’s wife!”

“Yes. Just like Tolan!” I exploded. “Perhaps he was my real father after all.”

Tain rose like a man many years younger and grabbed my shoulder in a powerful grip. His anger was now a murderous fury and it was all I could do to hold my stance against the pain of his grip. His cold eyes told me I had betrayed him. Worse, I had failed him. He let go of my shoulder and turned away from me. My entire body trembled. When he turned back he had regained his composure.

The biggest sin Garak could commit in Tain’s eyes is to dare to separate himself from him in any way; to be anything but his mirror, to act as if he has any claim to his own soul. I feel like more than what happens with Barkan right after this, this is what Tain considers the real betrayal. 

Tain has never needed to hit him or become physically violent with him to keep him under control ever since he was a very small child, he’s relied on the terrorizing force of emotional violence. And as is so often the case with emotional violence, it’s been insidious and hidden enough, kept to private spaces and in the shadows, that Tain can pretend at plausible deniability b/c like. Who’s Garak even going to tell about it, for the longest time, if a miracle happened and he even found he could? Mila, who has joined the war on emotional violence on the side of emotional violence since probably before Garak was even born? (For understandable psychological reasons, but in unforgivable ways in the role of a parent.) I wonder if ‘making him’ lose control and expose himself and his violence for what it is like this (in public, even!) is also part of what he can’t forgive Garak for. This ah ‘slip-up’ is the first big crack we see in Tain’s image of perfect implacable control (which is very much still the impression you’re left with in Garak’s stories in The Wire too), in the same way that Improbable Cause/The Die Is Cast completely breaks that image down. He is getting old. He stayed in the game too long in the end and his iron grip is starting to slip and everything he’s forced to stay in place starts to slip out of that order with it.

Characterizing what Tolan was doing as ‘living with another man’s wife’ is SUCH a subtle burn tho lol like yeah maybe after the strictures of our society you SHOULD have married the mother of your child instead of outsourcing all your decency to the said mother’s BROTHER, Tain 

Aside from anything else going on here (and there is a lot going on)... does Tain even know who Garak is at all, just on a personal level? Why, after knowing him for like 40+ years at this point, presumably, would you expect him to have aspirations or the natural inclination towards leadership, have you ever met him??? He’s one of nature’s perfect right hand men (well. Maybe not entirely nature’s, Tain did this to him very deliberately on top of some basic natural tendencies lol), he’ll get you whatever you ask of him and I think organizing a team under him for you could be part of that when need be, but never has he shown the least inclination towards leadership. (In fact, despite longing for the recognition coming out on top would get him from daddy I mean his peers, he seems vaguely relieved each time Pythas gets to sit in the big important chair instead of him.) He isn’t Tain’s mirror, for all he dutifully tries to move in the ways that make it seem like he is. And Tain should be smart enough to know that, if the narcissism didn’t completely blot out his sight in this situation, and/or it’s just the ‘setting him up to fail and then acting outraged when he does’ pure maliciousness reaching its apex.

(In a kinder time and a kinder world I think Garak could have a real nice time being one of nature’s extremely devoted Partners rather than simply right hand man. And I would like to see it please)  

“From now on you will report to Corbin Entek.”

Oh, that’s the Entek of Second Skin, probably. Wish you a very ‘get vaporized for not knowing when to quit’ in the future entek 

As I watched him leave, I felt completely empty and wondered how I could feel such emptiness. This sudden, wrenching reversal of fortune … everything changed beyond recognition…. And yet … there was no anger, no self-pity … no fear. Only release. Release from the secrets. Release from the limbo where, ever since I was a boy, I had been trapped between imposed obligations and feelings of mysterious longing mixed with shame. I felt empty … and free.

Listen to that voice maybe garak (not that I think there IS any way out at this point or that there ever has been in truth, that’s kind of the tragedy of the whole thing, tain would never ever have let go of him)

- Mila goodbye time: 

“I’m afraid we’re not leaving you much,” she said. “The furnishings have already been taken away.”

“I wasn’t expecting anything.” I tried to keep all irony out of my tone.

“It’s your choice, Elim.” Her voice was just as neutral. “The house is yours to live in.”

Mother and son having a Carefully Extremely Civil conversation lol

“Do you know the circumstances … Mila?”

She looked at me. It was the first real contact we’d had in many years. She nodded slowly.

“Before I make my ‘choice,’ I need your help,” I said, surprised that the request emerged so simply. I wasn’t as angry with her as I wanted to be. Mila saw this and softened perceptibly.

This running thread that almost despite himself he understands and empathizes with her and her situation too much to be as angry with her as he probably should be. He understands her better than she understands him (than she could allow herself to understand him, even if she had the ability to). 

I think that these apparently contradictory elements of his personality are part of what makes him feel so real in some ways, too — interpersonally he can be incredibly petty and jealous and judgemental AND almost absurdly forgiving and generous, sometimes seemingly simultaneously, somehow. The classic containing multitudes meme but like forreals tho haha. That is what real people are like too. 

“I love her, Mila.”

“You’re a grown man, Elim.” I couldn’t decide whether she thought I didn’t know this or was seeing it for the first time herself.

“And Palandine’s a grown woman,” I replied.

“I don’t care about her. It’s you! You have to learn…” She broke off and passed me a cup which exuded the herbal aroma I’ve always associated with her and Tolan. Bitterbark and sweet groundroot. Moist rich soil.

“To control myself?” Mila blew on her tea. I shrugged at the obvious irony; I didn’t want to get into a fight.

. . . 

Mila sat on a bin and sipped her tea. She avoided my look. As I positioned another bin across from her, I experienced a deep pain in my shoulder. It was still throbbing.

“Tain’s angry … with me. He wants me never to see her again and … to kill Barkan.” Still she avoided looking at me. “But you know this, don’t you? And you know what’s possible. Because you have your own … thoughts about this. Don’t you Mila?” I persisted.

Again she jerked away from me. Tea from her cup slopped onto the floor. “There’s no time, Elim.” She put the cup down, wiped her hands on the protective smock she wore, and looked for something to clean the floor with. “There’s no time for this.”

The mother/child relationship here is… y’know I talk a lot about Garak’s daddy issues for obvious reasons, but the fact that his mother recoils in fear when he tries to engage some sliver of real emotional intimacy with her prrrrrobably did some similar amounts of shaping him huh haha. (and he does this too in many ways — that’s partially where his trouble with Julian comes from in this book, whenever Julian tries to get too close Garak flinches away or counterattacks, for all that he clearly longs for it as well.)

The  roundabout way you can tell her love for him even so tho. ‘I don’t care about her’. Palandine is not her baby, Elim, you are. Mila hasn’t been left with the luxury of love to spare for someone she doesn’t even know when you’re setting yourself up for destruction right in front of her eyes…. 

“I mean it, Mila. I would. But I think about her, feel her, all the time. Especially when I’m alone.”

Palandine/Bashir parallels once more and I really mean it!! There used to be a little Palandine in his head the way there’s a little Julian in there now. (and sadly she doesn’t seem to be there anymore, or maybe he’s just integrated what he got from her and let the rest go for both of their sakes, the same way he let Mila the regnar go when it was time.) 

“Sacrifices?” In frustration Mila took off her smock to wipe the tea from the floor. “Elim, you amaze me.” Shaking her head, she got down on her knees and began scrubbing vigorously, as if the spilled drops of tea were hostile agents capable of spreading disease and destruction.

“Really? Well, I’m pleased I still have the ability—”

“Sacrifices,” she hissed, her control escaping like steam from a narrow rift. “What was the name of that book you once gave me? When you first came back from Bamarren. The one you proclaimed as the greatest Cardassian novel ever written and insisted that we read it.” Mila was still on her knees, but now I was the offending spot she vigorously rubbed with her words and eyes. “Generations of one family, each faced with the same choice at a crucial moment. Do they serve their personal needs or do they serve future generations? Do they choose the comfort of their own lives over the life of the state and its mission? I read it, Elim. You told me to and I did.”

“The Never-Ending Sacrifice,” I answered.

“Yes. That’s the one.” She made a sighing sound as she stood up. Mila was heavier now, and moved with greater deliberation. She, too, had grown old. “I suggest you reread it.”

“Tain always came first, didn’t he? I suppose that was your never-ending sacrifice.” I no longer reined in the irony.

I’m CRYING this is SUCH a mom thing to do. Her teen son came home with a book he waxed poetic about and she read it to try to understand him and never told him until now. 

Also: disease contagion theme thread! To Mila, it seems to be tied in with the sentiment reading of it — the way her child’s suffering stains all her safe stable justifications and rationalizations that she needs to stay alive in this system. The remaining humanity that can’t be completely stamped out, even by Tain and a lifetime of fuckery. The ‘imperfections’ of life that can’t be subsumed completely into order. 

Garak I think it’s better if you don’t recommend that book to people it clearly leads to disappointing interpersonal outcomes every time haha

“Tolan understood and accepted his obligations,” Mila said coldly. “But he was sentimental. Like you. That was the one thing Enabran worried about.”

I smiled in sad recognition. Sentimental. Yes, Tain and Mila had definitely shared their confidences and judgments with each other.

“But I don’t blame Tolan. He was a good man.” Mila watched me as I rose.

“Yes. So you keep saying.” I wanted to leave.

“She’s nothing but trouble for you, Elim. End it now. Do what Enabran says and reclaim your rightful place.”

“My place,” I repeated.

“Now, Elim. Otherwise you’re in real danger,” she warned with a certainty that reminded me of the time she’d brought me to Tain after I’d left Bamarren. Mila always knew what was at the heart of the never-ending sacrifice.

“Thank you for your help,” I said, too weary for irony.

“What did you expect from me?”

“To be honest, I can’t remember,” I answered. “Have a pleasant trip.” I smiled and bowed.

“What did you expect from me?”/“To be honest, I can’t remember,” is THE realest description I’ve seen of a mother/child relationship. This might say more about me than I should be comfortable with probably but still. 

“Let Limor know if you’ll be living here.” I nodded. Yes, I thought, that would be my answer. My choice. She shook out her smock to determine whether or not to put it back on.

“Mila.” She looked at me and took a deep breath, as if preparing herself for my question.

“Who was Tolan?”

“My brother.” She decided to wear the smock, and I left.

I am SO FUCKING SAD. She puts the smock back on. That’s the closest thing to keeping either of them she gets to have, just the second hand reminder that they were there, small and innocuous enough that no one will know and no one can blame her. In the end Tain takes everything else, and she lets him because it’s the only way to survive him. GET OUT OF THERE ELIM PLEASE 

- On an impulse, instead of leaving immediately, I went down the corridor to Tain’s old office. The door was open, and I stopped at the threshold just as Pythas looked up from a now much cleaner desk. He smiled shyly and stood up.

“Please come in, Elim,” he offered. What surprised me was how pleased I was to see him. Just as I had felt he was the only other person who deserved to be One Lubak, I now believed he was the only other person who deserved to occupy this office.

He smiled shyly did he fhskja. Also Garak’s enduring lack of bitterness towards Pythas is amazing. ‘Yeah I would be mad but he really is that good if it had to be anyone it should be him’

- She stopped just short of my covering shrub, and the sight of her face shocked me. It was swollen and bruised. One eye was completely closed, and the other contained enough pain for ten. It took every bit of my willpower not to reach out and hold her. Her one eye held mine, I knew she wanted to tell me something so important that she was willing to wait all night if necessary. 

I’m so fucking glad Barkan is about to eat it for good. I only wish it could have gone slower and more painfully for him. 

I wanted to laugh, and it took a concerted effort to gather my disparate parts in order to integrate my will.

‘Disparate parts’ motif (dare we say mosaic motif?) detected

“At least the smile’s gone,” the first voice said. I was fully awake now. 

Barkan’s life is just being haunted by fifty shades of Garak’s shit eating grin apparently 

“Flaunting your ‘relationship’ in public like infatuated schoolchildren.”

“Yes, I suppose it would have been wiser to behave like experienced adulterers,” I replied with a sigh.

“You’re the lowest form of scavenger, Elim. You have no attachments of your own, and so you feed on the emotional vulnerabilities of others.

. . .

“But you’re a failure, Elim. You even failed in your attempt to assassinate me.”

“I didn’t fail with Palandine,” I said quietly.

LMAO gottem 

The chemical makeup of Garak’s brain during Barkan’s beating should probably have been studied by science it must be the strangest rave in there

The others were there—my fellow travelers, their voices murmuring tonelessly, producing a steady sound that permeated the medium and intensified our connection. Their voices speaking to me. Their faces, serene and loving, illuminating the darkness as they floated by. Everyone I have ever known. Family. Faces from childhood. Bamarren. People I had known briefly. People I have known forever. Loved. Hated. We were all just together now, sharing the same nurturing medium as we traveled along our currents until we gradually separated.

This… near-death hallucination or spiritual experience or whatever it is vs. his mass grave dream later… very birth vs. death themed

Faces formed and reformed. Each one superimposed on the next in a long line emerging from blackness. Maladek. Merrok…. The molecular structure of one giving way to the next…. Procal Dukat. Tolan. Floating into focus, receding back into the darkness. I shook my head, trying to stop the flow. The Hebitian mask. My face. I grabbed my “face” and screamed into it. The flow stopped. The molecules rushed together and instantly formed Barkan Lokar’s death mask.

I think maybe something came a tiny little bit completely untethered in his head in a way it’s been threatening to for a long time in this moment. It may just be my imagination tho who’s to say

- “Elim Garak. How the mighty have fallen. Welcome to Terok Nor.”

“Oh, I try to visit even our humblest outposts, Dukat.”

“This is going to be more than a visit, trust me. You’ll soon wish that the execution had not been commuted.”

a) ah garak/dukat sniping my old friend b) It seems Tain never spoke to him in that whole process, so that time in the park was probably the last time before ‘Improbable Cause’?. I’m only surprised he didn’t give Dukat the neutral face of displeasure to convey to Garak second hand honestly 

- “I’m sure you gave him a more ennobling position,” I said.

“He was executed,” the toady replied.

“A promotion of sorts,” I muttered. “Certainly in this place.”

The passionate enduring Garak/Terok Nor hateship off to an immediate and roaring start

- Real ‘he gave them the heebie jeebies. He had nothing else left to give’ vibes on garak in this part of his life 

- He arched his brows in a manner that told me he’d worked long and hard in front of a mirror.

There’s always time to appreciate some good Dukat dunking

“Your life means nothing to me. Just as my father’s meant nothing to you.”

“I beg your pardon? Do I know your father?” Dukat made a move to grab me and immediately stopped himself. I was impressed by his self-control; I knew how much energy fueled his hatred.

“No offense,” I went on, further testing his control. “Of course, Procal Dukat was a famous military figure. We all mourned his passing. But I never had the pleasure personally….”

At his most miserable, but also his funniest. It IS really interesting that his humor only really reaches its current state here, when he’s lost Palandine and everything else in his life. It’s almost like the only remaining way to be close to her. 

No, I decided that I was not going to sacrifice myself to Dukat’s desire for revenge. I would do this work; I would do it so well as to become indispensable to the station… and I would survive. I refused to be buried alive in this humiliation.

‘Sort of suicidal: yes; willing to go down in history as one of Dukat’s Ws… fuck no’

- I pick up their garments and mend them flawlessly. When they complain that the price is steep (because I’m treated like a slave doesn’t mean I’m going to start undervaluing my work), I just give them the smile—the smile she taught me.

Fdsahfasj hilarious. You go Garak you know your worth

- (About Pythas and Palandine) At this moment I am almost afraid to discover that they’d survived. A part of me has wanted to bury that part of my life. The defenses I set up to survive my exile are obviously still intact.

I am often joined on my walks by Dr. Parmak. He’s a charming conversationalist, with a first-rate mind. His perspectives are always provocative. He does, however, have a tendency to proselytize for Alon Ghemor and the “Reunion Project” (the name they’ve given their group to remind people of the principles that formed the original Union). Whenever we encounter other pedestrians along our route, Parmak engages them and attempts to win them over to the Reunion side. This often makes for spirited exchanges, and although I am subjected to the opinions of people who should be given a new brain, I rather enjoy this peripatetic politicking. It’s something I would never have done on my own. In some respects he is so much like you, Doctor. If I’ve found someone’s opinion insufferably boring, he’ll kindly but sternly lecture me on the value of tolerance.

The wistful longing of ‘in some respects he’s so much like you’. ‘Although i am subjected to the opinions of people who should be given a new brain’. ‘Charming conversationalist’, is he. Garak you are a nonsense person and I adore you 

One day I asked him how he had been brought to Enabran Tain’s attention. He never struck me as being a dangerous radical. It turns out that he was Tain’s personal physician, and that the great man had him interrogated because, the Doctor assumed, “he was concerned that I was in an ideal position to assassinate him.”

“I think he was more threatened by the fact that you were intimate with his weaknesses,” I pointed out.

“Well, certainly his physical infirmities,” he admitted.

“Which are also a man’s weaknesses,” I reminded him.

“The paranoia, the secrets, the power he held….” The doctor shook his head. “He must have been a difficult man to work for.” I smiled at his understated tact.

“He once tried to have me killed,” I said.

“Really? What did you do, Elim?”

“I survived.” The Doctor gave me a confused look.

“Survived … what?” he asked.

“Working for my father,” I replied. The Doctor stopped and just looked at me. His former fear of my eyes was long gone.

“A father who would murder his own son?” The idea horrified him. We were in the Barvonok Sector, where the tall structures of business and finance once dominated. “Oh, my dear Elim,” he said, this time with an empathy that stripped me of any illusions I had about Enabran Tain as a father. Surrounded by the piles of debris, oppressed by the low leaden sky, I finally began to surrender to the loneliness and loss that has preyed upon my dreams ever since I can remember. Even nothing is better than the ideas that have brought us here.

Go on without me I’ll be over here crying my eyes out 

- I wonder if Limor Prang was one of the people killed in Tain’s Obsidian Order purge in Improbable Cause. If he  was still alive that seems pretty likely huh. Well. RIP terrifying team mom I guess.  

- Garak got his business up and running for real through a deal with Quark! Puts some of their interactions into perspective haha

I don’t do well with the kind of emotional exchanges humans seem to engage in regularly, and I have little sympathy for those who confuse the responsibilities of family with their duty to the state; but I confess that I am deeply moved by this woman’s plight.

Well it’s good the guy you have a thing for was raised British then he’ll probably feel pretty much the same way you’re perfect for each other

At one point she looked at me and asked me to hold her. I did. As I tentatively put my arms around her, I was so afraid of her need that I tried to keep her body at a distance. She would have none of it. She collapsed against me, and the sobs that convulsed and rolled through her body found correspondence in mine. I bit my tongue until I could taste blood in the effort not to surrender. Gratefully, the door to the Promenade was closed.

He keeps claiming he doesn’t care for the human tendency towards displays of emotionality even as we see it draw him in like a stupid horny sentimental moth to the flame repeatedly. The lizard doth protest too much methinks

- Unless I have business I rarely go to Quark’s; I have little tolerance for noise and stupidity. So when he saw me he assumed that I had another proposition, and I observed him shift into his engage mode.

Fun to see how this changes over the years, then! By the ca. Season 7 part of the book he has a few regular tables and everything. Also isn’t it so sweet that his kind of snotty attitude about this has not changed at all since Bamarren haha <3

- “The dead are dead. Those of us left—who believe in the ideals that have guided our race for millennia—are faced with the threat of utter annihilation by the very disease that has brought us to this sad place. Federation ideas will finish the work the Dominion began.”

Disease/contagion imagery (This is Legate Parn speaking, and he’s basically espousing the same view as Dukat Sr. As far as he’s concerned the call is not and never has been coming from inside the house thank you ever so much lol)

On the other side of Madred was Nal Dejar, a sharp-faced, saturnine woman who had been a member of my last cell at the Order. She once came to Deep Space 9 on an assignment with two scientists, and refused to make any contact with me. Judging from her averted look, she was still refusing. Next to her was a man with a severely disfigured face that was still recovering from what appeared to be burns. One eye was completely covered, and I was careful not to be rude in my inspection.

OH so it’s the lady who came along with Gilora and Ulani! The one who does not care for foreign food 

Gul Ocett was persuasive in her quiet and reasoned strength. Indeed, the irony, Doctor, is that she was espousing the very argument I had made to you any number of times. Even now there was a part of me that accepted the logic of her argument, especially when coming from someone who was neither a fool nor an opportunist.

While you were stealth mentoring Julian in having enough spysmarts not go and get his beautiful twink ass killed at the first opportunity he was stealth mentoring you in the political and ideological underpinnings of democracy and the possibility of being loved BITCH!!!!

I simply smiled at him, genuinely amused by his amateur attempts to discredit me. I was surprised by my responses. I was here to play the role of double agent, and I found that as the meeting went on I didn’t have the energy for the requisite guile and misdirection.

Fdkjfhdsa ‘Aw. That’s cute’. He just doesn’t have it in him to work up the energy for cloak and dagger bullshit and it’s so good and so funny 

And then a strange sensation went through me, Doctor. I looked at the faces of these people. Here we are, I thought, sitting in the basement of a ruined civilization and conducting business as if nothing significant had changed. The enemies were still the same, somewhere “out there,” plotting how to “destroy our character” and colonize us with their political system. And we were down in the basement with our own plots and shifting alliances, tenaciously holding on to the very ideas that had brought us here. But what ideas, Doctor? There’s nothing left. Only fantasies of power. These faces with their masks. With the ironic exception of the disfigured face, the masks hadn’t changed. They reflected the usual range of hidden agendas, each competing for dominance and ascendancy with an energy commensurate to the amount of fear and self-loathing that fueled and motivated that person. I started to laugh.

Amazing showstopping revolutionary good for you Garak

It was him, Doctor. It was Pythas.

EIGHT MY BELOVED WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

“Thank you, Gul Madred, but I can find my way out.” I bowed to the company, and turned my back on them.

I continue to be so proud of him I have no words. And also this is why I don’t like Castellan Garak as a concept AT ALL. Leave him alone to his orchids and sewing and doctor fucking he’s been through enough he doesn’t need that in his life anymore he can do other things to help. Parmak and Julian would stage an intervention. 

- Oh my GOD the cardassians literally just left terok nor without him overnight like Sid’s family in Ice Age fhdskjafh

Garak has been combining the wire AND being a barely functional alcoholic all this time. So at any given time in the first two season the chances that he is not only high but also profoundly drunk are overwhelmingly likely. This explains a lot.  

Rom had a sensitivity, almost a delicacy that was totally lacking in his brother. Was there such a thing as a typical Ferengi? Most people judged him to be simple, as if simplicity was somehow a substandard quality.

Aw. Also maybe some hints as to his reconciliation with Tolan’s memory. 

“Well, Rom, the trousers and tunic fit quite well, don’t you think?” I pulled the tunic down at the back. “Don’t wear it so far up on the neck; it ruins the line. And I’d be grateful if you’d tell any interested parties that indeed I’m still here and very much open for business.”

“Oh, yes … yes! And I like….” Rom made a broad, awkward gesture toward his new ensemble. I thanked him, and we walked out onto the Promenade, as if it were just another business day. We said goodbye, and I watched him march proudly through the ragged celebrants. I had a fondness for him. It was an odd relief, especially at this moment, to converse with someone who literally meant everything he said. 

T________________________T surprise most wholesome dynamic continues to wreck me. 

He stood for a moment, studying me, trying to divine why I had not been allowed to join the withdrawal. Unlike the others who assumed that because I was a Cardassian I had a choice, Odo knew that I’d been abandoned.

“Was there any damage or theft?” he asked.

“No,” I answered. I knew little about Constable Odo, but I was confident that he would never ask me questions that went beyond his function as security chief. He kept his distance and carried himself like someone who understood exile.

Odo appreciation moment as this is his last appearance in the book. Here’s to the small part of the fascist hivemind that harnessed those impulses towards the aim of becoming the world’s best and beigest mall cop. Unproblematic? No. But sometimes you simply love a good problem. 

The fact that the narrative of this section ends right before Garak meets Julian. Probably a matter of weeks, max. You big sentimental sap lmao

- Parmak, Ghemor, and I stood silently among the formations, inspecting the results of our work in the first light.“I mean no disrespect, Elim,” the Doctor said, “but the memorial looks even better.” I nodded in agreement.

“Please, Doctor,” I replied. “ ‘Restoration’ is fine for artifacts and museum pieces. When it comes to building a new community, I think what we did tonight is more to the point.”

“And we did it without murdering each other,” Ghemor added.

“How un-Cardassian of us,” I observed.

This all rules btw . Restoration is fine for artifacts and museum pieces it’s not for things that are alive. Gardener vs. architect/collector, Tolan vs. Tain. 

Alon said: “I think we should get some rest before the competition begins. We’ve done what we can.” It was a wise suggestion, but each of us knew that we were taking a step into the unknown, and sleep at this point was not really a choice. We had done what we could, and probably it was best if each of us retired to the privacy of his own thoughts. We said our goodnights, and as I watched them leave I felt an enormous gratitude that I had been given the opportunity to work with these men. Once again in my life I felt that I had been resurrected from the dead.

Nodding and crying gif. Yeah. Yeah… you’ve done all you could and no one could ask anything more of you. 

- “You know, Elim, I’m neither a soldier nor a politician. I’m a doctor.”

“I do know that. I also know that we’ve been betrayed by our previous leaders. Our only hope is that men like yourself can offer an alternative.”

“But you have the expertise that can….”

“Doctor, I have the expertise that comes from survival and compromise. There’s already plenty of that on the other side … and it’s not an alternative that will create a new and lasting union.”

“No, I suppose you’re right,” he conceded.

“You’re a doctor, yes, and that’s your strength. I’ve learned something about your profession over the past several years. Don’t think like a politician. Think of the planet as a patient barely hanging on to life. Think like a doctor. How would you save this planet?” He considered what I’d said in his careful manner.

Just as it is vital for a person like Garak to have a little Julian Bashir who lives in his head, it’s probably also good for the Bashirs and Parmaks of the world to develop a little Garak who lives in their heads to go ‘yeah that sounds real nice in theory but now imagine that there are in fact bad people in this world (I should know) who’ll interact with that theory and then act accordingly’ . Garak realizing where he belongs in this whole process tho… 

“Ah, Doctor,” I stopped him. “You can’t go to your meeting like that.”

“Like what?” he asked with a puzzled look. Without explaining, I helped him out of his worn outer coat and showed him a ragged tear in the fabric. Despite his protests, I made him sit down and wait while I gathered my sewing kit and repaired the tear.

“Appearances are very important to these people. You can’t let them think you’re oblivious to details,” I said, as I reunited the torn and separated threads.

The Mila fussing-as-a-love language of it all…

- (About Pythas) The thought occurred to me that perhaps I should include him in a chant for the dead.

DAMN but also YEAH

- I moved to the constructed formation that stood in the space formerly occupied by Tain’s study and almost directly above where Mila’s body had been sadly abandoned in the basement. When I was a boy, I had unending dreams that centered around the memorials of Tarlak. As I lay on my pallet in the basement of Tain’s house, I would plan the scenario that would play out when Tolan took me with him to Tarlak. It would always involve me as the hero paying homage to a comrade fallen in a battle where we had both distinguished ourselves. I would tell the gathered assembly of notables every detail of the battle; people would weep, cheer, listen in stunned amazement as I explained how we had saved the Union from certain destruction. When I had finished, Mila and Tolan would escort me through the adoring crowd. What a terrible irony, Doctor, that those forbidding, impersonal memorials to the heroes of the Cardassian Union should ultimately become transformed into these ragged formations on the grounds of my childhood home … and that I would sit here, a middle-aged man, trying to mourn a fallen comrade who was still standing but barely recognizable. And yet, the irony of a Cardassia reborn with the help of a memorial built from the remains of Tain’s home didn’t escape me either.

Taking immense psychic damage with every word. When do you stop wanting your mom and dad to come pick you up and take you home, even when they’re both dead and kind of not your parents anymore in two different ways even before that? Never, probably 

- “What changed your mind?”

“Your friends, Elim. Very impressive people … and persuasive.”

“What had you expected?” I asked.

“The usual amateurs who never understood what was at stake … the hard choices that had to be made,” [Pythas] explained. “To be honest, I had thought your attachment to this Reunion Project was….”

“Sentimental,” I finished. He smiled knowingly at the reference.

CACKLING. All but openly saying ‘yeah I thought it’s was because you’re fucking the doctor and I know exactly what a god-awful simp you are’ fhskdjafhaskjdh

“As I listened to him speak of the responsibility that we had as survivors to the life that remained, I also realized how bitter and hardened I had become.” He stopped and looked back to Nal Dejar, as if he were making sure she was still there. She met his eyes with a communication I couldn’t decipher, and he nodded. “Nal nursed me back to where I could function … part of me wished she hadn’t. Until your doctor spoke about healing … on every level. It’s what the body wants, he told us … unless we choose otherwise.” Pythas sat with his head bowed for a long moment. “I’d become very bitter, Elim.” I sat on a rock across from him and gently put my hand on his. What was it about this place, I wondered.

Hmngh. ‘I’d become very bitter, Elim’. No matter what choices they made along the way, where they fucked up or where they did everything right, they both ended up in basically the same place, embittered and broken, until someone touched their life with kindness. Nal is Pythas’ Julian Bashir. Coming back to life not as an act of will but because there’s someone waiting for you there saying ‘I’ll help you through it’. 

“Do you know where Palandine is?” I asked. He just looked at me. “Is she still alive?”

In the darkness, it was difficult to read the expression in his one good eye. The silence that followed my question was broken only by his rasping breath. Behind her mask of disinterest Nal Dejar was studying me carefully. Even when she was a probe I was impressed by the strength of her focus. Pythas was fortunate to have her care and devotion.

I think Pythas and Nal Dejar’s whole deal could make for a really interesting story all on its own. Presumably they’ve known or at least known about each other for a long time now, since Garak has seen Nal around even though they’ve never worked together closely 

- Just enough light for lovers; just enough light to begin he says, only to open the next chapter/epilogue with ‘My dear Doctor’ and explaining how he finally decided to send the letter. Healing on every level? Maybe? If we’re real lucky??? 

- My dear Doctor:

Again, forgive my further tardiness in sending this—I don’t even know what to call it. Memoirs of a Cardassian tailor? I suppose that’s as accurate a description as any. You see, Doctor, I seriously debated whether or not I should send this to you. As I went over it I wondered who this mawkish and self-serving person was. Grow up! I wanted to tell him. Get on with your life.

Well, I am; and sending this to you is going to further that cause. As I said, I’m an unfinished man reassembling the pieces of a broken world, and I have asked you to be a witness because you would never judge me as harshly as I judge myself. You would never deny me the opportunity of a second chance.

I feel like those last two sentences are the most important ones in this whole book — it’s what all the rest of it is built on, what made any of it possible. And also it will haunt me for the rest of my days but like in a good life-affirming way lol

His playful grousing about ugh your vaunted democracy *eyeroll*  <3<3<3<3 come down to cardassia so you can have spirited debates turned makeout sessions/foreplay about it already julian please he’s setting you up for so many slam dunks here

I live with my orchids, which have unified and softened the increasingly popular grounds of my home. Their beguiling blooms, and the presence of children who come to play among the structures (as I did in Tarlak), help to dispel the somber mood that initially hung like those clouds of dust over our world. The sounds of their voices as they play function as a music that never fails to lighten my work. The children call it the “tailor’s grounds,” and the name has caught on. Yes, Doctor, I continue to work at my “new” profession. As you can imagine, there’s a good deal of mending to be done.

TAIN’S HOUSE TURNED INTO JUST ‘THE TAILOR’S GROUNDS’ BY THE VOICES OF PLAYING CHILDREN Y_____Y I hope enabran ‘let history be my judge’ tain gets forgotten for anything but his massive fuckup and that garak works some magic with what little fabric he has at his disposal to make the neighbourhood kids like. Stuffed toys he sews clothes for and he’s known as the person to go to when one is damaged so he can patch it back up good as new  while teary little faces watch intently and then brighten. Julian seriously pretends to be his medical consultant as they perform teddy bear operations, what with his extensive expertise in the field and excellent bedside manner. No arm is too amputated to be reattached and we can always find a good button to replace Mr. Tinny’s missing eye in fact he’ll see even better now. I have such hopes for them I have such dreams 

 I have expanded my shed in the never-ending quest to find my place. I feel that I’m getting closer, Doctor, especially as I continue to refine the structures. One, which began as a memorial to Tolan, has a crude but effective representation of the winged creature from the Hebitian sun disc—turned toward the radiating sun, reaching, striving, while the sun-fed filaments stream down from the body and connect with the bodies of people standing on a globe and looking up to the creature for this divine connection…. I’ve attached the recitation mask he gave me to the creature’s face, and somehow it has become my personal totem. I hope that someday you’ll have the opportunity to see it. Nothing would please me more. You’re always welcome, Doctor.

You are always welcome, Doctor is one of those ‘you could slap that on my gravestone and I’d be happy about it’ lines. What a ride huh 

Aside from anything else about this book (I think we can safely let this absolute monster of a three part reaction post be testament to my enjoyment and admiration right I hope I have made no secret of it lol) I want to congratulate Andrew Robinson for getting a novel-length character study written in first person (my beloved) published — as I understand it that’s normally a pretty hard sell in the publishing industry haha he was living the dream I one day fervently hope to as well and the results rule

[americanwh0rerstory]

A happy ending? - Michael Langdon

contains: fluff and angst. michael is a bit ooc as i’ve never written for him before. bit of violence (it’s ahs that’s kind of a given tbf)

summary: Y/N is the only person michael’s ever romantically loved, so when she died how far would michael go for her?

A/N: this is so bad. i think it’s the worst fic i’ve written yet, but i hope someone enjoys it <3

No NSFW, fic under the cut ^_^

Falling for the antichrist isn’t how you expected your life to go, but it somehow happened. After he came to one of your parents’ satanic meetings, you was instantly enamoured by him. his hair, his smile, the way his eyes lit up, even the demonic shadow on the wall. you already liked him, yet you two hadn’t even spoken to one another.

little did you know, he felt the same. Never had he felt such a feeling, truth be told he didn’t know how he felt, but he knew he liked you. your hair, your smile, your everything. So when he found out you felt the same, he was overjoyed.

despite his evil nature, he tried to be good for you. he tried to make you smile, laugh, he tried to be the best for you. he was sweet, and ms mead liked you too which made it easier to spend time with michael. however this was until the inevitable happened: he gave into his evil, stabbing a store worker with 5 knives, and landing himself some time imprisoned. You knew about his powers, but you never thought it would come to this. even worse, you died during that brief period he was away. Trapped in your own personal hell, forever.

it felt like years. years of living out the same moment over and over and over again. time just raged on, a constant reminder of your relentless torment until one day when it finally stopped. confused and slightly scared you looked up, seeing that oh so familiar face: the blonde hair, the icy blue eyes, and the hint of a smile twitching at the corners of his lips.

“michael?” you breathe with relief, practically jumping into his arms to hug him for the first time in… well you didn’t know how long. you rested your head on his shoulder, your arms wrapping around him and holding him as though you never wanted to let go (and you didn’t). “how… how did you save me?” you ask, the one question that instantly came to mind

“descensum… 7 wonders trial, i don’t know if you know about that though” he says gently, one of his hands cupping the back of your head lovingly. “in short, i travelled to hell to bring you back to earth with me” he said, the slightest hint of smugness to his tone, most likely because he was the one to bring you back. “i just need to bring back someone else… then i’ll be known as the supreme”

“the supreme?” you echo with confusion, lifting your head to look up at him with a curious gaze. you didn’t understand what he was on about but it was the last thing on your mind. your top priority was the fact that michael was here, here to save you. even after all this time he still cared, and it was the happiest feeling you had felt in a long time.

You had michael again, a much more powerful and possessive version of him, but he was still yours. Until the end of time. After your years of torment, you finally had a happy ending.

[arikad0]

I try not to speak about the LTD but it's been insane on Twitter ever since Rebirth came out so I am just gonna. quickly give my thoughts

(REBIRTH SPOILERS BELOW)

Cloud and Tifa almost kiss in Gongaga

Cloud and Tifa eventually kiss and confess to having feelings for each other

Sephiroth constantly gaslights Cloud into thinking Tifa is dead while emphasizing that Jenova can look like someone he loves

Aerith recreates her first date with Zack with Cloud and it doesn't go nearly as well

Cloud tells Aerith he sees her as a friend in the Japanese version (though tbf if you got Aerith for the GS date he doesn't say this, he just agrees to hang out with her again iirc)

HOWEVER, no matter if you got Aerith for the GS date or not, Aerith says she knows where she and Cloud stand and that, while she likes him, there are two different kinds of liking someone. which. yeah definitely shoves their relationship in a more platonic direction

also people comment that the two do not look or act like a couple during that dream date

ship what you want. ABSOLUTELY ship what you want! who cares if you prefer headcanon over canon? but the fact that people are insisting Cloud and Aerith are canon after Rebirth is??? so weird???????

tbf from what I've seen, pretty much everyone who is neutral on the shipping debate and played Rebirth agrees cloti is the canon one. and tbh while I'm kinda surprised they just straight up had Cloud and Tifa kiss each other this soon, I'm not that surprised it happened at all?? the devs have said countless times that one of their main goals with the FF7R trilogy is to leave the story a lot less up to interpretation, so it makes sense they tried to kill the love triangle this early. unfortunately the English translation team still tried to make it a bit more ambiguous, but if you look at Rebirth's script in literally any other language it's very obvious the love triangle is pretty much confirmed over (and honestly I'd argue it's still pretty obviously over in the English version, especially with that kiss)

and honestly. let's face it. that love triangle died way before Rebirth came out. Cloud and Tifa end up confessing to each other in the og game no matter what choices you made and they live together and have a kid in AC. Rebirth is just moving Cloud and Tifa's relationship along a little quicker, which makes sense considering what is gonna happen in part 3

[cephalog0d]

20 questions for fic writers

Thanks for the tag @babblingbookends!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

89! (tbf a lot of them are drabbles XD)

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

62,284. Higher than I thought!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Mostly Batfam, occasionally branching into other DC, occasionally gift fics for others and original work.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Bomb Sing Se (arguably the fic that got me to actually write and post things instead of just keeping stuff to me and a couple friends)

Comfort Food

Bower Birds

Relation

Bat Math

5. Do you respond to comments?

Absolutely! I try to respond to every comment I get, I appreciate every single one so much.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Well Relative Velocity is the only time I've ever used the "Hurt No Comfort" tag so.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Most of what I write is silly humorous nonsense so I think most of them are happy endings? I like the fluffy siblings ending on Midnight Snack a lot.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not anywhere I've ever seen it, luckily!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Nah, not really my thing.

10. Do you write crossovers?

I've done fandom fusion ones like Venom!Steph but I don't know if that counts as a crossover since it's still all characters from one setting, just with setting elements from another property.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of, luckily!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I know of, but that would be super cool!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not yet! But we'll see. :)

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Uhhhhh I'm gonna say Leverage OT3? (I don't really have a lot of strong "this is my thing" ship opinions.)

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

*quietly sliding my giant WIP/fic idea spreadsheet under the rug to hide it* I have too many. So, so many.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I like to think I'm good at the banter thing. I really enjoy writing back and forth dialogue, especially for humor, but also for serious conversations. It's often the part I think about the most and spend the most time on. (I think I'm also pretty good at world building stuff, but that doesn't always come up with fanfic.)

17: What are your writing weaknesses?

The focus to finish plotting/writing long stories is definitely one I'm not great at. I have the ideas, but my brain sees another shiny new idea and goes "but what about that". It's something I'm working on.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

It depends? For one thing there's the whole thing of having the knowledge/resources to actually have accurate translations, which may or may not be difficult to do, but also I think it depends on who the POV character is. If you put in dialogue in another language people can look it up and see what it means, so it can be a fun way to have a little easter egg that the audience knows and the POV character doesn't, but if you don't want to give stuff away it's better to just say they're speaking X language, or maybe POV character recognizes a word or two but not the whole statement.

19. First fandom you wrote for? 

Batfam stuff is what made me actually start interacting with fandom instead of being a weird internet lurker talking to my friends about things I like so.

20. Favourite fic you've written?

Oh boy, I don't even know...I'm gonna say Finders Keepers because I really love that AU and that's the one that started it.

And that's that!

No pressure tags for @outtoshatter @2dents @teleportationmagic @kayrielwrites @sepia-stained-sunset !