#stuff which lauren watches

[oh-nostalgiaa]

hi, @flyfreeskylark, it's me, your secret santa! you asked for an undercover mission after scarif where everybody lives and nobody dies (with a handful of smut sprinkled in for flavor). sadly, i was sick during both november AND December (and the less we talk about how much i hate my job, the better), but i managed to pull myself together long enough to get this written for you. i do hope it's to your liking! merry christmas and happy belated new year! please enjoy.

(you can also find this fic on ao3.)

in this world (it's just us)

The event is not exactly to Jyn’s tastes. 

The crowd is the easiest for her to navigate - she’s undeniably skilled at moving through them stealthily. Unfortunately, that is the opposite of what she’s meant to do here, so she makes a concentrated effort to take her time, to blend in so that she doesn’t bring any undue attention to herself.

She doesn’t miss a single detail as she lets her eyes drift over the room and its inhabitants, only silently reminding herself to keep an interested expression rather than her normal impassive default. 

She knows that she’s meant to be titillated by the sights and sounds surrounding her. She’s gone through the debriefs, been informed of exactly what will be expected of her - and Cassian has even - nonchalantly - tried to give her an out if she had even the slightest inkling that she could not do what’s expected of her. 

Luckily, he’s got the hardest task. She is, for all intents and purposes, just an observer.

(Besides that, she’s no quitter. He should know that just about better than anyone.)

Behind the scenes, she’s got a more detailed job to do. Monitoring communications, for one. Helping Cassian prepare, for another. 

Obviously, he’s showered by himself - he doesn’t require her help with everything, no matter how many times she may or may not have caught herself daydreaming about such things. He’d dried off, dressed in flimsy, flowy trousers that leave just about nothing to the imagination … 

Not that she’d peeked. 

Jyn hopes that her nervousness isn’t easily discernible, but she also knows that Cassian is probably the most observant person she’s ever met, and while he might not ever bring it up, the obviousness of the pause she takes while slowly exhaling and inhaling, steeling her nerves, the gentle brush of fingers against skin as she placed and smoothed out bacta patches designed to cover scars and other identifying marks is more than enough clue that she’s feeling … something.

Maybe it shouldn’t take as much concentration as she gives in order to ensure the edges of the patches aren’t easily visible through his semi-sheer tunic, but this is an important recon mission - they can’t return to base without information in hand. With another Death Star lurking somewhere out there, it’s not an exaggeration to say that this may be a matter of life and death. 

It’s always a matter of life and death. 

And it’s not fair for her to burden Cassian with her feelings, especially when she’s not sure that he feels the same - if he could ever feel the same. It’s selfish of her to think about love when the fate of the entire galaxy is at stake. So they inhabit this nebulous space where they’re not quite just colleagues and not quite just friends and oh, how she aches to pull him aside and let go of all her wants and fears in a torrent of words she hasn’t found enough courage to set free into the universe and it’s - 

It hurts.

But Jyn tucks that pain away and hides it where she keeps all of her others - in a dark place deep inside that’s carefully locked down, never to see the light of day again. 

It’s better that way. 

Through the mass of writhing bodies, she catches sight of Cassian and his contact, disappearing into one of the few tents set up to offer some semblance of privacy, hand in hand. Jealousy stokes the fire in her belly and momentarily, at least, her expression reflects exactly how she feels inside, darkly desperate, devastated that it’s not her that gets to touch him or see him so unguarded and free - even if it is just a facade, another skill Cassian’s perfected in his years gathering information for the Rebellion. 

Even if it was fake … at least she could pretend for a little while that he actually wants her like she wants him. And that’s got to be better than nothing. 

She breathes a quick sigh of relief when Cassian pokes his head from the tent and quickly slips back into the crowd, not looking any worse for wear than when he’d entered. Seamlessly and sinuously, he weaves his way toward her, and she doesn’t have to be a lipreader to know what he’s promising some of the partygoers he passes on the way. 

That sly little smile and those teasing winks are more than enough clue to know that he’s being propositioned and far from agreeing to take a detour from his current trajectory, he’s non-comittally suggesting that maybe they’ll find time to steal away later for a little fun. 

Because that’s what this whole thing is all about, isn’t it? The decadence and debauchery of a free use ball, where the male guests especially are little more than party favors. And while Cassian isn’t hers to keep all to herself, the thought of all of those eager hands trying to get a piece of him makes her stomach roil.

He dodges the minefield that is interested partygoers and finally reaches Jyn’s side, leaning in for what looks like a peck on the cheek in greeting, but what really is the whispered assurance that he’s got what they’re here for. She knows, though. He hadn’t entered the tent with the same chain around his neck that he’d left with. And tucked safely underneath what passes for a shirt is a pendant with a data stick hidden within for safekeeping. 

Jyn’s lips part as she gears up to ask if they’ve made enough of an appearance yet, if they can slip away without being noticed, but the words die on the tip of her tongue as, out of seemingly nowhere, they are joined by the party’s hostess, tall and handsomely severe, her keen eyes drifting over the pair as though to study them, to determine what they’ve been up to while the other guests are all wrapped up in each other. 

“My dear Imri, you’ve not partaken in the feast. Is there nothing to your liking - ?”, she purrs, her sultry tone enough to set Jyn’s nerves on edge. “Or are you too wrapped up in your lovely pet to pay attention to anyone else?”

Cassian ducks his head demurely then, exactly the behavior of a man that is more toy than anything else, a man that’s been taught exclusively that his only use in life is to please another. 

And Jyn is grateful for the chance to gather her words.

“My superiors would be quite disappointed if I were so rude”, she replies, her voice a teasing lilt. “On the contrary, I like what I see, Lady Eline. It’s choosing what I want to sample that is proving difficult.”

The tall older woman suddenly erupts into laughter and Jyn’s smile slowly widens (as though she’s actually pleased to have amused the monster standing next to her, like it doesn’t make her physically ill to see firsthand how easy it is for her - and for people like her - to use people for their own pleasure). 

“Please, darling, take your fill of what you want. And come back for more later”, Lady Eline offers, her gaze flitting to settle on Cassian, her eyes grazing him from head to foot and back again. “You absolutely can’t leave until I’ve had a taste of your lovely Amel.”

Jyn curls her hand into a fist, her fingernails biting into her own palm as she fights to maintain composure. So disgusting, the way Lady Eline can look at Cassian as though he isn’t a person with his own agency. 

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

Their host takes that as her cue to dramatically turn and focus her attention elsewhere, allowing Jyn to catch Cassian’s eye and wordlessly gesturing toward the double doors of the grand ballroom, their only way out. 

He doesn’t have to say anything, the very slight furrowing of his brow speaks volumes. Now that they know they’ve got eyes on them, they can’t just walk right out. The already delicate operation has just become all the more fragile. 

This isn’t something that they’ve practiced - although the possibility has been discussed. If they don’t want to raise suspicion … they’ll need to act. So Cassian rocks back on his heel and Jyn pushes forward, directly into his personal space, crowding him against the wall, like he’s a prey animal and she’s the predator, finally cornering him right where she wants him. 

There is no room for hesitation here. 

They must keep cover by any means necessary.

Imri is supposed to be offering Amel to any and all interested parties. Jyn wants to do anything but. 

Outside of these walls, Cassian isn’t hers. But right here, right now, she has every intention of staking her claim, for however long it will last. 

‘Mine’, she thinks, tipping her chin up to catch Cassian’s lips in a haphazard kiss, surprised by the startled noise he makes in response, a gift for her ears only. And if it’s not the sweetest sound in the entire universe, Jyn doesn’t know what would be. 

It’s a little instinct, a little like a dance, and a little planning on the fly, which is obviously what they’re best at. It’s the clash of teeth and tongues and the thrill of hands slipping inside clothes to touch each other’s skin and - 

Oh. 

Oh.

Jyn takes a moment to press her face in the space between Cassian’s shoulder and neck, savoring the feel of his pulse hammering against his skin, beating out the same staccato rhythm as hers, pounding against her ribs, filling her ears. 

It’s not real, but it feels like the culmination of months spent pining after the man she’s got pinned to the wall, craving a glance, a touch, accidental or not, anything that hints that he might feel the same. 

And now his fingers are teasing her nipples and she’s barely gotten her fingers around his cock but she’s absolutely feeling him come to life and it’s everything she’s ever wanted and more, but stars, does her heart ache at the underlying knowledge that it’s all she’ll ever get. 

As if he hears her thoughts - and maybe he does, how is Jyn to know if he’s got some sort of latent telepathy - he breathlessly speaks, just low enough for her to hear through all the ambient noise. 

“Don’t think, just do.”

And she does. 

She feeds off of the groans and whimpers he gifts her with and she lets the stuttering rocking of his hips guide her hand, faster, tighter, not yet, oh, wait, wait, wait and she ignores everything around them - including their voyeuristic audience and just works to slowly move them closer to the exit. 

From the wall to a nearby couch, where she pushes Cassian down and relishes his flushed cheeks and dark eyes as she straddles his lap and relentlessly grinds against his shameless erection, his hands clutching her hips and helping her move, until the world seems to explode in a shower of blinding light, and if this is how they’re going to die, at least it’s together in a blaze of glory. 

There’s not much time to rest, though, and none at all to feel embarrassed about making such a mess of themselves, and once their shaky legs can hold their weight, Jyn takes Cassian’s hand and forcefully drags him the rest of the way through the doors and toward (relative) freedom.

There’s no reason to return to their suite now that Cassian’s got the precious datastick in hand and it’s easy enough to scramble the cameras monitoring their movements as they enter the lift that will bring them closer to the hangar and their nondescript ship. The chunky bracelet Jyn’s wearing hides the technology that will take care of that. All she needs to do is press a button and trust that it’ll take care of the rest. 

There is a bit of a prolonged, awkward silence between them as the lift descends, but suddenly Jyn finds the air being knocked from her lungs as Cassian’s fingers tighten around hers and pull her flush to his chest, all the more caught off guard when he leans down to nip sharply at her bottom lip before pulling away, his lips twisting up into a smile. 

“We’ll finish this later.”

To say it’s odd to feel so exhilarated in so many different ways is an understatement, but for Jyn, it’s not unpleasant, and for once, the thought doesn’t terrify her.

It just is.

But for the first time, she doesn’t feel like anything will be coming to an end anytime soon. 

Rather, it feels like a brand new beginning.

[cosmicallyavg]

war of the sontarans is probably tied for thirteens sexiest episode with spyfall not even joking

[bedsyandco]

𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐁𝐄𝐋𝐎𝐍𝐆 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐌𝐄

꒰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 ꒱ — bestfriend!reader x will smith

꒰ 𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬 ꒱ — in which will’s gf (lauren - sorry if ur named lauren) doesn’t treat him right and you’re waiting for Will to realize he belongs with you! you could probably already tell but it’s based on you belong with me by taylor swift!

꒰ 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭 ꒱ — unedited writing🫣 fluff. language. I think that’s it, as always lmk if I should add something else!!

꒰ 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 ꒱ — finally getting back into writing fics cause school is less stressful! thank you for being patient! as always feedback or criticism is appreciated! i hope you like it <3

꒰ 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 ꒱ — 1.97K

꒰ 𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 ꒱ — @cixrosie

You open the door to your apartment, kicking your converse off and lining them up neatly on the shoe rack at the front door. You sigh when you see two pairs of shoes lying on the floor, bending down to pick those up and placing them there as well. You immediately go to your room and change into comfy clothes quickly, wearing shorts and one of Will’s shirts. A small smile forms on your face when you hear laughter coming from your living room, walking towards the sound and being met with a familiar sight. Gabe, Ryan and Will lounging on your couch.

“Hey, look who’s finally here!” Ryan yells and you grab a slice of pizza from the box before taking your seat on the same couch as Will, placing your feet on his lap and his hands automatically fall to your calves, caressing them softly.

“You don’t get to complain that I’m late when you two left your shoes laying around again,” you say and Will smiles, shaking his head, knowing what a big pet peeve that was for you.

“How do you know it’s ours and not Will’s?” Ryan asks

“First of all, I know every pair of shoes he owns and he doesn’t own the ones that were laying around. Secondly, Will would never let his shoes get that dirty, it’s the pretty boy in him. One speckle of mud and he has to wash them. And lastly, he knows better than that.” you say and Will squeezes your knee in retaliation for the “pretty boy” comment.

“What are we watching?” you ask

“IT,” Gabe answers and you immediately protest.

“Absolutely not,” you say and Gabe laughs.

“It’s not even that scary,” Gabe says

“It’s not scary, it’s just creepy. I hate clowns, they shouldn’t exist, especially not to amuse kids,” you mumble and grab a pillow when Gabe starts the movie anyway. It was his turn to pick and if you were gonna make him watch all your movies then you had to watch his.

Movie nights were something you and Will started when you were still in highschool, and the tradition carried on to college. You can’t really remember when Gabe and Ryan joined in but they haven’t missed one since.

You miss half the movie anyway since your attention is focused solely on Will, as it is most of the time. He looked good tonight, but then again he always looks good. He was wearing grey sweats and a tight fitted white T-shirt, his hair a little messy as if he took a nap earlier and just came over without fixing it. His hand was still absentmindedly tracing patterns on your leg and you shivered when his hand slipped to the inside of your thigh.

“You cold?” he asks and you nod, not wanting him to know you were shivering because of something else.

“C’mere,” he says and you move closer as he grabs his hoodie he took off earlier, pulling it over your head.

“Thank you,” you say as you cuddle into his side more, his arm around you and hand resting on your hip.

You spend the next thirty minutes or so there, nearly falling asleep when Will’s phone rings. You sit up a little as he reaches for his phone, letting out a big sigh as he stands up and answers the call.

“Hey baby,” Will answers and your chest tightens at the soft way he speaks to her.

“I’m watching a movie with the boys and yn,” he says and lets out a big sigh at whatever she’s saying.

“Yeah okay, I’ll be there soon,” Will says and you frown when he starts collecting his stuff.

“Where are you going?” Gabe asks, beating you to it.

“Lauren invited people over to her place tonight and apparently we’re hosting together and people have been asking for me,” Will explains, grabbing his keys from the coffee table.

“She didn’t tell you earlier?” Ryan questions

“No. I told her I was busy tonight,” Will says and Ryan scoffs

“And she still hosted it tonight? Without you knowing…and now she’s telling you to leave?” Gabe asks, trying to get Will to see how weird that is but he just shrugs.

“I don’t know man, she probably just forgot. I’m fucking exhausted though. I gotta go,” Will says but stops right beside you on his way to the door, bending over so he can speak softly to you.

“You’re not upset with me are you? I hate when you’re upset with me,” Will says and you shake your head.

“No, it’s all good. Do what you gotta do,” you say

“Rain check on movie night? Maybe next week it can be just you and me, like old times. Feel like I haven’t spent much time with you since these two are always around,” Will says, kissing your cheek before making his way out of your apartment. You’d have liked to tell him that it wasn’t because of Gabe and Ryan that you guys weren’t spending as much time together, it was because of her.

Will met Lauren at the first tailgate you guys had attended at BC, after that they went on a few dates and after a few dates they were together.

It wasn’t one of those classic situations where you were in love with your best friend and hated every girl he paid attention to but you. It was about the fact that she treated him terribly, and he deserved so much better. And maybe it did hurt your feelings a little bit that he was dating someone like that. Because if he was dating a girl that gave him all these things that you couldn’t because she was just that great then maybe you’d understand why it wasn’t you he was dating. But you didn’t understand why he would be with someone like Lauren, when you were right here, where you’ve always been.

“I’m not the only one who doesn’t like her right?” Gabe asks when Will is gone.

“I can’t stand her. She’s so rude and she treats him so badly. I don’t know what he sees in her honestly,” Ryan says with a frown on his face and they both look at you expectantly.

“I mean as long he’s happy I don’t have anything to say,” you say and both of them scoff

“He’s obviously not happy. All of us can see that, you probably most of all with how well you know him,” Ryan says and you just flick your attention back to the TV.

“When are you two gonna stop pretending you don’t have feelings for each other and just get together?” Gabe asks

“He doesn’t have feelings for me, if he did he would have acted on them a long time ago,” you say

“What if he was holding back cause he didn’t know if you felt the same way?” Ryan asks and you just shake your head.

“It doesn’t even matter now. He’s got a girlfriend and whether we like her or not, we still have to respect that,” you say, your tone making it clear that you didn’t wanna talk about this anymore.

-

The next time you saw Will was later that week, you were sitting at a table at your favourite café, reading a book when he took the seat across from you.

“What’s wrong?” you ask, immediately noting the annoyed expression on his face.

“The beanpot is next week,” Will says

“I know. Everyone’s been talking about it for weeks, I had four people corner me in the hallway this morning asking if I could hook them up with tickets cause it’s already sold out and they know i’m friends with you,” you say and Will frowns, taking your hand in his and rubbing circles on your palm with his thumb.

“They cornered you? Who?” he asks, the furrow between his brows deepening

“It doesn’t matter, Ryan took care of it, but the point is trust me everyone knows the beanpot’s coming up,” you say and Will’s frown doesn’t disappear but he allows you to divert from that topic

“Not everyone apparently. Lauren told her parents I’d be coming up to New York to meet them that weekend,” Will says and your jaw drops

“She did not. Why? How can she not know? You’ve told her like 20 times, you even bought her and her 50 friends tickets to go,” you say exasperated and Will sighs shaking his head

“I don’t know, but she wants me to tell coach I’m missing it and still go to New York,” he says and your jaw drops even further if that’s possible

“Oh my God, she’s insane. There’s no way you’d miss any game, but especially not the beanpot games. You’ve been dreaming of playing in the beanpot since you were a little kid,” you say and Will smiles at you

“Yeah that’s what I told her and we got into a pretty big argument about it. It’s okay I know she’s not that into hockey so maybe she really did just forget,” Will says, the frown back on his face

“You’re not that into reality TV, or dance, or any of the things she’s into really, but you still make time to see her or do those things with her, or at least remember when it happens because what’s important to her is important to you. That’s just what a good partner does,” you say and Will nods

“Yeah, it’s fine though,” he says but you know him better than that. You can obviously tell it really hurt his feelings that she forgot and then she argued about it with him too? What was he doing with a girl like that?

“For what it’s worth, I’m really excited to watch you play in the beanpot. I know you’re gonna do amazing and I think it’s the coolest thing ever that you get to do something you’ve dreamed about doing for so long. And I’m so excited to be there and cheer you on,” you say and Will grins, bring your hand up to his lips to press a kiss against your palm.

-

Later that night you were laying in bed, watching a show on your laptop, your eyes drooping closed every few seconds before you peeled them open again, when you heard a knock on your door.

“Will, it’s the middle of the night, what are you doing here?” you ask as he steps into your apartment, closing the door behind him.

“I called my mom, and I told her about stuff with Lauren and you know what she told me?” he asks and you shake your head.

“She said I'm with the wrong girl. That the right girl would listen to me, and support me, understand me. Make me laugh when I feel like I’m gonna cry. The girl who knows all my favourite songs, and I tell about my dreams. The one who feels like home. So I went to see Lauren, and I broke it off and then I sat there for about three hours because I realised that the girl I’m looking for is you. And I feel like an idiot because you’ve always been there, and all this time how could I not know that you’re the one I belong with,” Will says and you take a deep breath trying to keep your tears from falling as you let out a little laugh

“I’ve been giving you the biggest heart eyes the last three years, it’s about time you noticed,” you joke, and he smiles, wrapping his arms around your waist and resting his forehead against yours.

“Well can I be your oblivious boyfriend, instead of your oblivious best friend?” Will asks teasingly and you nod, connecting your lips to his in a soft, long-overdue kiss.

[gretagerwigsmuse]

rocketman: part i - it's just my job five days a week

Summary: in which lieutenant commander bradshaw is on a three month special detachment in the pacific and the holidays have never felt lonelier for either of you. it's just three months, it'll be fine, right?

OR you and bradley write each other 159 emails

Pairing: Rooster x Fem!Reader 11.8k

Warnings: 18+, explicit language, suggestive dialogue, bradley needs to remember this is a government email server...(okay yes, i am perfectly aware that our esteemed lieutenant commander would probably get kicked out of the navy for some of these emails…that being said, i also don’t particularly care! we’re playing fast and loose with the time stamps too because i may be smart, but math has never been a strong suit of mine!) enjoy the companion playlist! rest of the series can be found here!

12/17 @ 6:19am

I miss you already and I haven’t even left the parking lot. I’m still in my car typing this after having stayed for probably far too long watching your C-40 take off (like people were staring at me I was there so long)(and, yes, I looked up the name of the plane). Pete asked me if I wanted to get breakfast with him, but I said no. Felt too lost. Plus, I need to get ready for work. We’re going to get dinner on Wednesday before I head up to Berkeley Thursday morning, though!

Hope you have a safe transport and settle onboard quickly. I left you something in your duffle bag (yes, it’s safe to open around other people…head out of the gutter, Bradshaw).

Love you and stay safe, x

12/18 @ 5:46pm 

Just dropped off the gifts at the Junior League for Caroline’s adopt a child thing. She was completely in her element (they gave her a clipboard and a bullhorn!), though she did say we went wayyy too over the top. But little Carter asked for all that stuff! We couldn’t just not get it all for him? She also appreciated your wrapping skills, very impressed with the bows and tight corners. I met a couple of her friends there, which was nice and they invited me to stay for drinks (the prosecco was flowing…), but I wanted to head home. 

I miss you so much already, it feels weird not going over to your place after work and making dinner and prepping lunch together - and it’s only been two days. I know you’re on a comms blackout for the next couple days, so I’m just gonna keep sending these so you’ll have a bunch to read all at once.

All my love, x

12/19 @ 11:48am

My brother and Lauren decided to come out here for Christmas after all! My dad was so excited when he called me, but I think Mary’s a little less enthused. Feels like shit knowing we were the backup option for them. Apparently, Lauren’s mom is sick and the whole house is in disarray (not hard in that family…) so my dad is paying for them to fly in from New York tomorrow. I think it’ll be nice, we’ll almost have a full set (baring you, of course, my darling rocketman), so the house won’t be as lonely. Do you think we’ll get to talk on Christmas or Christmas Eve? You should be getting a package soon (‘twas preemptively sent!) and are under strict orders not to open it until Christmas Eve, buddy!

Going to dinner with Pete tonight, I’ll let you know how it goes. Amelia’s coming with us, but I don’t know about Penny? I hope they like the gifts we got them. I’m going to stop by your place, do a once over, and make sure the tree is ready for Pete to take, etc. before I leave on Thursday.

Love you and talk soon! x

12/20 @ 7:03am

House looked good! In my seat on the plane. If my morals were shakier, I would 1000% have taken Max up on his offer to fly me up to Berkeley. But alas! Climate change is real and private jets account for 20x as many carbon emissions as commercial planes, so I am up at the ass-crack of dawn for this 7:15am flight. I’ll message you when I land, love you!

12/20 @ 9:04am

Just landed - easy flight. Now to find my dad in arrivals…

Love you, talk when you get the chance! x

12/23 @ 4:45am

Hey sweetheart! Back online and all settled in. I’m bunking with Payback and we actually have a pretty decent layout. He graciously offered to give me the bottom bunk, due to my ‘geriatric status.’ Honestly, I’m just glad I don’t have to sleep in the bunk room with the ensigns and rest of the crew. I forgot how noisy it is being on an aircraft carrier, which makes Payback’s snoring surprisingly pleasant. I’m glad he and Bob are with me. The rest of this squadron’s from Lemoore and Bob knows some of them. It’s interesting seeing him and Payback fly together, but they mesh really well.

Glad Mav is there to keep an eye on you. 

Okay, I had way too much fun picking out all those presents, so I really hope Carter loves them too. And please tell me you have a picture of Caroline yelling into the bullhorn? I can truly think of nothing scarier than Caroline Calloway ordering the young women of San Diego county around like Santa’s chief elf. And speaking of gifts, I loved my pictures. The one from the Christmas party is my favorite, did Fanboy take it? I saw him running around with his Pentax. When the hell did you have time to print it? I’ve got it hanging up in my bunk so I can see it every night. 

I still don’t understand why you don’t fly into Oakland instead of SFO? Like I get it, you’re not a Spirit or SW girl, but kid….it’s an hour and forty minute flight? Live a little. And I think it’ll be nice having your brother and Lauren around for Christmas. How many people do you think it’ll be? I always loved seeing Christmas Eves with large families in movies and stuff, all the chaos and whatnot? But it’s just gonna be you five Christmas Day? I’ve heard rumblings that I might be first in line for a Facetime on Christmas Eve, so save some time for me too, kid. I’ll let you know for sure in a couple days. 

Okay, think we’re all caught up now. Talk soon and love you so much,

Your Bradley

12/23 @ 9:08am

Bubs! I read your email four times since I woke up, I can’t stop smiling. I’m glad you’re all settled in - Payback’s snoring and ageism aside haha. How’s the food? Do you want earplugs? A sleep mask? Are earplugs allowed for sleeping? What if you need to get up right away and you can’t hear? I could send you a white noise machine? Or is there a fear of hacking with that? I should’ve done more research on this before you left. Tell me if you need anything, I’ll send it out express! Oh, I’m just so happy to hear from you. Keep me posted!

Lots of love, x

12/23 @ 8:53pm

You and me, hot date tomorrow night at 11:45pst - don’t be late. (And look cute.)

Your Bradley

12/23 @ 8:55pm

I’ll be there 😉 Love you, x

12/25 @ 9:56am

Bradley Bradshaw you absolute sneak! How on Earth did you pull a Christmas miracle off!?! Mary said she had no clue, so I’m extremely impressed you got my dad to keep that secret!? I was totally not expecting another present from you? The cooking lessons and apron were more than enough - to say nothing about moving in together!?! I love the bracelet so much, you have no idea. I started crying when I opened it! Mary took a video, which I’m sure she’ll send you. God, Bradley? You didn’t have to do that! It’s perfect, it’s like we’re locked together. I’m gonna wear it everyday. Please email me later if you get the chance! 

(Also, Lauren looked really jealous 😉 my brother was sweating)

Love you and Merry Christmas Rocketman! x

12/25 @ 11:38am

Ummm, not sure what you’re talking about, kid? That sounds like something Santa would do? Probably heard about how good you’ve been this year? x

12/25 @ 11:40am

Thank you, I love it so much and wish I could give you the biggest hug and kiss right now. I’ll have an extra slice of babka for you tonight, talk soon and Merry Christmas, Bradley! Love you x

12/27 @ 4:49am

I miss sleeping next to you. Whenever I can’t sleep, I think about the way you looked at me in the living room after our Christmas party. You looked so happy and I hate that I have to leave you for all our firsts. First Christmas, first New Year’s, first Valentine’s Day. And god, sweetheart, you’re so fucking gorgeous it makes me want to lose my mind sometimes. Always thinking about you, Bradley 

12/27 @ 8:38am

I miss sleeping next to you, too (especially since your body is like a furnace and you hold me close when I get cold). And I know you being away during the holidays is hard, but look at it this way - we’ll just have our firsts next year. Next year will be our first Christmas, first New Year’s, first Valentine’s Day together, not an ocean apart. We have all the time in the world, rocketman. Love you today and every day x

12/29 @ 6:02pm

There’s already so many things I’m dying to tell you and stories about the squadron we’re teaming up with, but the Navy will have my ass if I give away too many details so I’m just going to leave it at this: are we sure Max doesn’t have a twin on another continent? Take that as you will. What’re your plans for New Year’s? Your Bradley

12/30 @ 9:20am

Sorry for the delayed response! A minor issue with my brother and my dad that I won’t bore you with had the whole house in a tizzy. Thankfully, he and Lauren are gone even though my dad still won’t tell me what the issue was? Anyway! God, I wish I could hear more about Max’s twin? I am honestly kind of scared about knowing there’s a Max doppelgänger in the Navy (jokes!). For New Year’s, I’m going to this party with Mary and dad in the city, it’s at this fancy venue and I have a cute black dress! It’s very different for me and I wish you were here to see it! I’ll have to wear it again. Message me when it’s the New Year your time! Love you! x

01/01 @ 12:09am

Happy New Year, sweetheart! They had a little party for the officers - we even got cake and Bob snuck me and Payback seconds somehow. It’s always the quiet ones you gotta look out for. You absolutely need to send me pictures of you in that dress, I can’t wait to see it on you in person someday. Hope you have a great time with your dad and Mary, give them my best. Love you and again Happy New Year! 

Your Bradley

01/01 @ 12:01am

Happy New Year, Bradley!!! You got cake!! You broke some rules! I approve! Milk them for all the cake they’re worth! I’ll send some pics of the three of us and one just for you big boy 😉 Talk soon and love you so so much! x

01/01 @ 10:59am

Had a late start! Here are the pics from last night! Try and sneak some more cake xx

[mary_and_dad_being_annoying.jpg]

[me.jpg]

01/02 @ 6:12am

You know you labeled the pictures wrong…luckily no one was behind me…

01/02 @ 9:04am

Who? Me? I would NEVER! (Just trying to keep you on your toes.) Hope the flying is going well and you’re staying safe, B! Love you!

01/03 @ 8:00pm

Yeah, it’s going well. It’s so different flying on the open ocean after so long? Last time was in September when I went to Hong Kong. The desert is cool, don’t get me wrong, but seeing the clouds and the water together is unreal. The pink and purple clouds remind me of you (sorry, that was lame). You still gotta let me take you up, kid. I’ve heard Mav is trying to convince you, but you gotta let me be the one. Can’t trust just anyone with my girl. Love B

01/04 @ 10:13am

Bradley…he’s practically your father, I’m pretty sure you can trust him to take me up in a plane, you silly boy. Not that I’m saying you won’t be my first…but come on! And it’s not lame. I like that the pink and purple clouds remind you of me. Every time I see a plane I send a little call out for your safety. Gotta keep you safe, rocketman! Talk soon and love you! x

01/06 @ 4:45pm

My parents just dropped me off at the airport and no matter how many times I leave them, I always cry. I think the only time I didn’t cry when I left their house was when you were with me over Thanksgiving. You always make it better, bubs.

They’re coming down in a couple weeks to help me start packing, anything in the house you wouldn’t want them to see while dropping off boxes? I can still bring my old bed, etc for the guest room, right?

All my love, x

01/06 @ 9:58pm

I think I get that, having you around this time makes it different. I’ve never had anyone to really write to while I’ve been away before. Sure, I talked to my grandparents when they were still around and my aunts and uncles, Nat, Ice, and a couple others, but not like this. And I don’t ever want to not feel like this again. 

I’m an open book, kid. Ain’t got nothing to hide. And yeah, anything like that feel free to bring with you for the guest room or office. It was the bed, nightstands, and dresser and then your couch for the office, yeah? We can get new bedding and pillows for it if you want? I’m on comms blackout for a couple days, so message me whenever you want so I can read them all when we’re back online.

Your Bradley

01/06 @ 10:07pm

Perfect! Love you and stay safe, rocketman.

01/06 @ 10:09pm

Love you too, kid.

01/09 @ 6:11pm

Bradley, I don’t mean to alarm you, but there was a raccoon in your garage! Scratch that, a FAMILY of raccoons!??! I’m sure Mr Harrington was ready to call the cops when he heard my scream. They’re so cute, but also terrifying at the same time? So, I called Pete and he came right over, a true knight in shining armor! Amelia and I did a THOROUGH sweep of the house to make sure they were relegated to the garage. Pete got them out safe and sound with a random tennis racket and your 4 iron, but somebody’s coming tomorrow to check on how they got in there. And I know they aren’t hurting anyone, but I just don’t want there to be any issues later on? (The babies were actually so cute and reminded me of my cat growing up, Porter.) Anyway! Enough drama for tonight, I hope that gets a laugh out of you - talk soon!

Love you! x

01/10 @ 8:05am

Well, the exterminator got here around 7:30 and sprayed all this stuff and blocked the hole in the crawl space of the garage. He showed me pictures and let me tell you, there was quite the nest up there. These raccoons were living large over the holidays. 

01/12 @ 5:21pm

Okay! I’m in the parking lot, waiting for my first cooking class to start. Is it weird I’m a little nervous? I hope everyone else’s skill level is similar, I don’t like feeling behind. I brought my new apron, ironed it and everything. I feel a little like Ina Garten, isn’t she just divine? Okay, okay, I’m going in now! I’ll let you know how it goes! Thanks again for getting me these xx

01/12 @ 7:03pm

I feel so tired? Like my hand cramped a little bit? We started off the class with knife skills, which we’re going to do every week and then made this “simple” egg dish, which was NOT simple and I overcooked the egg. Ina would be so disappointed. Alas! Onto next week. Love you!

01/15 @ 9:12pm

Bradley you’re not going to BELIEVE what just happened on Succession. My heart is POUNDING? Do you think if I called and asked really nicely the Navy would get an HBO subscription for everyone? That is what I would like my tax dollars to go towards. Can you get me a direct line to someone in charge please? Love you!

01/16 @ 7:47am

Not to worry my little Barefoot Contessa, I have returned back to civilization (ie the internet), though am dismayed to have missed this mind blowing Succession episode? Has Perry Mason started back up again or will we be able to watch that together? 

Bob and I were in the gym earlier and he almost dropped a dumbbell on my foot, I swear my life flashed before my eyes. But I had a new PR on the bench press today, up to 285 pounds. Glad the cooking lesson went well though! What’s the class makeup like? x Bradley 

01/16 @ 9:04am

I’m glad you’re back online and safe! Perry Mason has not started yet, though I’m still certain you’re the only person under the age of 55 that watches it (I guess I should say we’re the only people under the age of 55 that watch it, but whatever). You’ve also missed a couple Top Chef episodes, but we can always binge this season later. 

There’s about 12 of us in the class and it’s pretty evenly split? Though there’s tragically this really annoying couple who were at the station next to me. I hope we get to change next week, I don’t think I can watch them feed each other food another week. 

And I’m still waiting for that direct line to the Navy, Bradshaw! Love you! x

01/1 6 @ 6:59pm

Wait, wait, how did I miss there? There was a WHAT in my garage? A raccoon? Multiple raccoons? We need to get a dog or a cat or something. x Bradley 

01/18 @ 7:02am

Bradley!! I know we talked about a trip once you got home (provided you still feel up for it with the transition and all), what if we went here? I was talking about our tentative plans with my dad and Mary before I went back to San Diego and they went to Punta Mita this past fall and LOVED it! What do you think? Love you!

01/18 @ 6:03pm

Holy shit! That looks absolutely amazing, yes I’d love to go! Can we afford that though? It looks expensive? xBradley

01/18 @ 6:05pm

YAY!! Ahh, I’m so excited you have no idea! I want to hug and kiss you so bad right now! We can fly for free since I have a bunch of AA points (thank you pwc) and then I have like a million Amex points, so it’s not full price!! 

01/18 @ 6:12pm

When you say ‘like a million’ do you actually mean a million or?

01/18 @ 6:14pm

Yes! I’ve had this card for like 15 years! My whole family does the pooling on it! It’s a drop in the bucket, promise! Plus, I always use my other card for work and that has a whole bunch of Bonvoy points on it, too. We could stay at one of those? I think there’s a St Regis next door?

01/18 @ 6:22pm

Sweetheart, I want to go, I just don’t want you to waste all those points on this. 

01/18 @ 6:26pm

What if we go for 6 nights instead of 9? Maybe no plunge pool? Or we could pay cash instead? And then I could get 6x the points from paying that way? So, really….the points just keep accumulating, we’ve got to use them sometime! The points can pay for the flights and the hotel and then we can split the room charges and incidentals 50:50?

Will you think about it? You don’t have to give me an answer right away and we can always pick another hotel? But if we want to go someplace in late March/early April, I think we should book soon with spring break and all? Not that I imagine many coeds will be staying at the Four Seasons, but you never know…

01/18 @ 6:33pm

You gotta send me a ppt on all this points stuff, you know math stresses me out. And no, I don’t think many coeds will be staying at the Four Seasons, kid. 

01/18 @ 6:37pm

Can I send you a dossier with everything!?! Even if you say no to that I’m doing it anyway ;) just promise me you’ll think about it, please? I’ll do whatever you want, Bradley <3

01/18 @ 6:40pm

Yes, please send the dossier my way henceforth, Moneypenny. 

And you’ll do whatever I want, huh? Might have to send you a dossier of my own now…

(But yes, I promise I’ll seriously consider everything. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to spend all this money to make me happy. I’d say we’d both be happy camping out on the beach, but I think that might be a security issue down there, plus neither of us like camping - anyway, you know what I mean.)

01/18 @ 6:43pm

Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw!! Is this a dossier for my eyes only? What will M say!? I’ll send you mine if you send me yours?

(But seriously, thank you! I’ll send you more specifics tomorrow - like pricing and whatnot - and you can take a couple days to think it over. And thank you for clarifying the camping thing, I was worried for a second there.)

I love you so much rocketman and we’ll talk (email) tomorrow 

x Moneypenny 

01/18 @ 6:46pm

I’d say ‘sleep tight,’ but that’s a given considering you haven’t been fucked in a couple weeks. 

(Perfect, I genuinely am really excited about it, just want to make sure it works out for us both.)

Love you so much, kid 

Your Bradley

01/18 @ 6:58pm

Bradley Bradshaw!! You did not just say that over a government email server! 

Imissyourcocksobadlyit’sdrivingmeinsane

01/18 @ 7:01pm

Couldn’t help it. Plus, we both know it’s true. 

01/18 @ 7:04pm

Oh, shut up. Shut me up

01/18 @ 11:43pm

I’m sorry if I came off too strong about planning earlier, I might’ve gotten a little carried away and been a little too eager about planning something five days after you’re home from a three month detachment. If at any time before you come home or even right after you come home you don’t feel up to the trip, please please please tell me. I want to do something nice for you and give you a chance to truly relax, but I’d hate for it to come at a price. So, just let me know, okay? Say the word and we’ll push it, alright? I don’t exactly know what you’re going through, but tell me if it’s ever too much. I’ll always be here, promise. Love you x

[dossier_for_your_eyes_only.ppt]

01/19 @ 8:29am

Kid, no. I promise I’ll tell you. You know I love how excited you get planning things. I think I like it so much because you take care of it all. Sure, you ask for my opinion and what I want, but I just have to tell you one thing, one idea and you take care of it. 

Funny though, isn’t it? How it’s totally opposite in the other side of our relationship? You tell me one thing, one idea and I take care of all of it? Bet it’s hard for you not having someone around to do that for you? Maybe next time we Facetime we can talk more about that? x B

01/19 @ 10:11am

Luckily, I have a very creative imagination, Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw. 

See right now, I’m in my office, sitting at my desk, feeling so overwhelmed. It almost hurts how overwhelmed and frustrated I am. And you bust down the door, hair windswept like you’d flown to Del Mar, and you have that slutty flight suit on and I don’t even mind that you’re sweaty and gross. You smell absolutely divine and I rake my hands through your hair as you eat me out underneath my glass desk. I get a conference call, but you don’t stop the entire time. You like how squirmy and fussy I get, I can’t focus on the deliverable I’m working on for the client. You like that I can’t control myself, that I squeeze my thighs around your head. Eventually, you can’t take it anymore, your cock is aching so badly, and you need to fuck me on top of my desk. You’re so strong it almost breaks. You fuck me so good everyone in the office can hear me crying out for you. 

(actually, I’m on the couch, watching college football, but it’s more fun to imagine you fucking me in my office - see, creative imagination! Make sure you get a quiet room for that Facetime...)

Love x

01/19 @ 7:29pm

You think you’re funny, huh? You have any more of those thoughts, feel free to send them my way. ‘m taking out that picture you gave me for Christmas right now. How you taking care of yourself? My imagination isn’t as creative as yours. B

01/19 @ 7:40pm

Guess you’ll have to wait for our next Facetime…

x

01/20 @ 4:24pm

Your dad and Mary write me emails, you know. They aren’t as good correspondents as you are (for how could they possibly be, my dear?), but they check in about once a week or so. Mary sends me some of the articles she gives her students and talks about the show she’s watching with your dad. Your dad mainly talks about you. It makes me wish my parents were still around to do this stuff with me. Just checking in and writing emails and bragging about me to my girlfriend? How was yesterday’s class?

Your Bradley

01/20 @ 5:39m

I didn’t know they wrote you that often and I’m beyond embarrassed that my dad talks about me that much? But come on, Bradley…you have someone who does that, too? He’s about 5’8” (on a good day), looks great in a leather jacket, and just spent about two hours last weekend cleaning your gutters and telling me about how you won your high school’s debate scholarship?? Like how could you not tell me that? It’s literally one of the hottest things I’ve heard about you!

Class was good! They taught us a trick to cut onions without crying and one of the other girls complimented my apron! We’re doing meats next week, cutting, marinating, cooking, etc. and I’m excited!

01/20 @ 5:42pm

Oh gee, I bet it’s just awful for you to have Mav around all the time. Knight in shining armor…

01/20 @ 5:48pm

He’s not a bother! And it’s not all the time! We’re actually going to get lunch together on Saturday! It’s this new place on the water.

01/20 @ 5:50pm

Sounds like a cute little date! You’ll have to tell me how he is. Love you so much B

01/20 @ 5:55pm

I’ll keep ya posted, bubs! Love you!

01/22 @ 10:01am

Breaking news, kid. Your esteemed, naval aviator boyfriend is going to be on 60 Minutes at the end of February. Totally came out of left field, but I couldn’t say anything until they finished filming. It’s about the Navy in the Pacific and “the lost art of shipbuilding.” They even rigged up a camera on my plane and everything, it was so cool. I’ve been dying to tell you, but again couldn’t say anything until it was official. I probably won’t be on it long since they interviewed the Admiral and Pac Fleet Commander for most of it, but yeah, Payback and Bob and I will be on with my girl Norah. I made sure I had enough sunscreen on so I was camera ready at all times. Love you B

01/22 @ 10:09am

YOU’RE FUCKING SHITTING ME????? Oh my god, Bradley! That’s amazing! Margie even ran into my office to see what made me shriek! I am TOTALLY having a viewing party! Oh my god, how do you think it went? Did they get your good side? What about hair and makeup? I know you get helmet hair, bubs. 

Seriously, so so excited and proud of you, Bradley! I’m going to make my dad and Mary come down for it! She doesn’t teach on Mondays, so this is perfect for them to stay over Sunday night! But now don’t go letting all that fame get to your head, Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw 😉 Love you so much x

01/24 @ 12:17pm

Rocketman - 

I was sitting at my desk earlier and listening to some music before my 12:30 meeting and Elton John’s Rocket Man popped up on my shuffle. Obviously, as you are my rocketman, I always think of you whenever I hear it, but today the lyrics really scratched that special part of my brain, so I did a deep dive into the song’s origins. 

Please note, I’m including this time in my billable hours to the client (re. you). My findings are as follows:

Bernie Taupin was inspired by a Ray Bradbury story written in 1951 titled ‘The Rocket Man’ - not drugs as the urban legend states! Drugs! Imagine!

Bradbury’s ‘The Rocket Man’ was first published in Maclean’s, a weekly Canadian magazine, before it was published in the short story collection ‘The Illustrated Man’ that same year

‘The Illustrated Man’ later was made into a film, though ‘The Rocket Man’ story was notably absent

Some of more popular and renowned stories from the collection include ‘The Veldt’ and ‘The Long Rain,’ the latter of which is commonly read in high school honors English

Was client in honors English? Please confirm in follow up correspondence

Client has mentioned extensive library resources at disposal - perhaps he can check this collection out on his next visit? But for now, an executive summary has been provided:

With space travel more commonplace in society, Doug’s father, an astronaut, is sent on frequent, three- month journeys into space

Despite missing his dad, Doug also longs to be a Rocket Man, though his mother frequently prevails on Doug to beg his father to stay on Earth and be with the family

“What’s it like, out in space?” Mother shot me a frightened glance. It was too late. Dad stood there for a full half minute trying to find an answer, then he shrugged.“It’s the best thing in a lifetime of best things.” Then he caught himself. “Oh, it’s really nothing at all. Routine. You wouldn’t like it.” He looked at me, apprehensively. “But you always go back.” “Habit.”

The father finds that his work is ruining his life, but the draw of the stars is too great: "You don’t know what it is. Every time I’m out there I think, if I ever get back to Earth I’ll stay there; I’ll never go out again. But I got out, and I guess I’ll always go out.”

Even while on vacation with the family, having Thanksgiving dinner, or sitting on the back porch, the father’s eyes are always on the sky…

Doug’s father begs him to not be like him, to not be a rocket man, but what happens when his father goes on one last journey to the stars?

Through much reflection, I have decided that ‘The Rocket Man’ was written about you - and your mom and your dad and me and on and on until there is no longer a need for Rocket Men - or the rocket man simply stops and breaks the cycle

You are both the Rocket Man and the little boy, forever waiting for his father to come home from space

The allure of flying, of being a ‘rocket man,’ is both too great and too sad for you to ignore

None of this is to say the rocket man is selfish, no. He simply cannot resist the temptation. He knows nothing other than the thrill and peace of being amongst the stars

And his mother shielding Doug from the sun at the end is like your mom asking Mav to pull your papers, she does it to save him, but it cannot keep him from becoming his father

Needless to say - I had to postpone my 12:30 meeting until tomorrow as my eyes were far too puffy and any word I tried to say felt like cotton in my mouth.

I miss you and I love you - your ‘Lilly’  

01/24 @ 8:22pm

Fuck - I love you so much. My clever girl.

01/24 @ 8:28pm

I pour my heart out to you and that’s all you have to say, rocketman? ‘Fuck - I love you so much’

(of course, I also love you so much, my clever boy.)

01/24 @ 8:30pm

Darling - it’s going to take me a little longer to come up with any commentary you deem appropriate, so for the sake of time, yes. I gotta read this story in full. I’ll be at the library at my earliest convenience. ‘The client’ will send an annotated copy with his notes henceforth.

01/24 @ 8:32pm

Of course, sweet boy. Goodnight, I love you so much. x

01/25 @ 11:44am

As promised, my darling girl. Love you.

[b.bradshaw_the rocket man_final paper.pdf]

01/25 @ 7:14pm

Oh Bradley! I love you so much, rocketman. Yes, I couldn’t have said it better. Yours x

01/26 @ 10:39am

Bradley! They’re sending me to London in February for two weeks! I even get a swanky corporate apartment for the stay. I wish you could come with me - even if it was just for a long weekend? We could go to all my favorite restaurants and afternoon tea and for walks in all the parks. One day it’ll work out! 

But tragedy of all tragedies! I just realized I’m going to miss a couple cooking lessons when I’m in London! I already emailed the instructor before today’s class and she said there’s other classes throughout the week that are behind us, so I can make it up with them! Ahhh I’m so excited! Talk soon, love you!

01/26 @ 11:13pm

I didn’t realize how nervous I was about the trip until I went to bed tonight. It’ll be my first trip abroad since I got my promotion in November. Plus, it’s a completely different client than my last trip abroad and I’ve only met one person on this new London team before. Sometimes I go into these meetings and still feel like a little kid? I’m always the youngest person in the room and normally the only woman and on one hand, that’s cool? But sometimes I feel like someone’s daughter instead of their colleague? Like these guys are my dad’s age? And they’re actually supposed to listen to what I have to say about their company? Do you ever feel like that? Like you don’t really belong, despite knowing you’ve earned your place? I wish you were beside me right now. My bed feels way too big tonight. Love you.

01/27 @ 7:48am

Sweetheart! I am so unbelievably proud of you! That’s amazing! You gotta celebrate, go out to dinner with Caro and Darcy, maybe even Nat! I know you’ve been working so hard these last couple of weeks, you absolutely deserve this. I can’t say I know exactly what you’re going through, but yes. I have absolutely felt like I haven’t belonged or deserved something despite having ‘checked off all the boxes.’ I felt that way when I got promoted to LC and when I got that award in October. Everytime I see it on my uniform, I feel a bit like a faker? Like do I really deserve this? But then I remember the way you smiled at me when I got back to my seat that night and how proud of me you were and I think maybe I do deserve it? Plus, I also think of how goddamn gorgeous you looked all fucked out later that night. 

And please note, I would happily slip into bed alongside you, especially since my bed feels way too small tonight. Love you, Bradley

01/27 @ 10:56am

Thank you for earlier. I don’t know, sometimes I just feel like I’m just too soft for all of this? Like I’m always trying to prove something to everyone and I get a little lost. Tell me something good? x

01/27 @ 7:01pm

How about this? Every time I go up in the sky and see the way the sun hits the clouds, I think of you. I’ve never wanted to be with someone as much as I want to be with you. I love you so much, kid

Your Bradley 

01/27 @ 7:06pm

Sometimes I can’t believe we love each other this much, it feels like a dream  x

01/27 @ 7:11pm

I can. Your Bradley 

01/30 @ 7:08am

i slept in one of your shirts last night. it doesn’t smell like you anymore, but it feels like you: soft and safe and warm x

01/30 @ 7:23am

Well I spray my pillowcase with your perfume whenever I miss you so I guess we’re even

Your Bradley

ps - can you send me another bottle?

01/30 @ 7:34am

You’re already out? What sort of illicit behavior are you engaging in with that perfume bottle? 

01/30 @ 10:33pm

I burrow my face in my pillow so I can smell it while I fist my cock, why? What’d you have in mind?

01/30 @ 10:37pm

How does that work though? Like genuinely? Do you jack off with Rueben in the top bunk? Or wait till he’s in the gym? I’ve been curious about this for a while now. What about the showers? Is it like an open floor plan thing? Or are there stalls? Is there a Zillow listing for this aircraft carrier?

01/30 @ 10:41pm

Now why would I ruin the mystery? 

01/30 @ 10:43pm

Bradley!!!!

01/30 @ 10:44pm

Atta girl, that’s the spirit! Love you 

02/02 @ 6:30pm

I am so sick of going to the gym. It seems like it’s all Payback and I do lately. We got this new workout regime that’s been killing me - don’t say it’s because I’m old. Though, I have been using my Theragun. Payback does my back if I do his in return. It was only awkward the first time he turned it on too hard and yelped (please tell everyone that). 

02/02 @ 6:46pm

Oh, so you and Rueben Theragun each other, huh? Say more Lieutenant Commander!

02/04 @ 2:45pm

Going to Pete and Penny’s in a bit to watch the Super Bowl! Max is at the game, apparently his golf buddy Jimmy G hooked him up, though he neglected to bring me or Caroline. I feel like you would’ve been his first choice, so take that as a compliment I suppose. Do you guys do anything onboard for it? I have $350 on the 49ers winning by 3. Have a lovely day my darling boy x

02/04 @ 9:30pm

Guess who’s as snug as a bug on a rug in her bed AND $1400 dollars richer? That would be me! When you get home we’re going to Juniper and Ivy, my treat, bubs! x

02/06 @ 4:57am

Awww sweetheart are you gonna sugar mama me again? 

02/06 @ 7:03am

You do know the only reason you’re getting away with that is because there’s an ocean between us, right? 

02/06 @ 6:00pm

Sorry, couldn’t resist! Love you! B

02/06 @ 6:10pm

You’re lucky I love you so much. x

02/08 @ 9:58pm

Can you imagine if I was gone for 20 years?

02/08 @ 10:11pm

Bradley that’s not funny 

02/08 @ 10:13pm

It’s not supposed to be. I’m reading the Odyssey and it got me thinking. 

02/08 @ 10:16pm

Bradley I love you something awful, but you are such an old man sometimes. 

Are you going through some sort of midlife crisis reading the Odyssey while you’re at sea?? Is the Old Man and the Sea next?

(ps i love the thought of you reading in your bunk in your spare time and being so struck by something composed thousands of years ago that you have to email me)

02/08 @ 10:20pm

They wait 20 years to get back to each other - practically half their lives. They miss so many things and barely knew each other before he left, but they’re still so - I don’t even know? They’re just so intent on getting back to the other in Odysseus’s case? While Penelope makes sure there’s something for him to come back to? And I must’ve read this stanza ten times before I had to email you: 

"...the gods cast me upon Ogygia, Calypso's island, home of the dangerous sea nymph with glossy braids, and the goddess took me in in all her kindness, welcomed me warmly, cherished me, even vowed to make me immortal, ageless, all my days - but she never won the heart inside me, never" 

And I know it’s not a perfect comparison or parallel, but I read that last bit and I couldn’t help but think of you? And how you’re the one who won my heart and it’s always going to be that way. Whether I see you in twenty seconds or twenty years.

02/08 @ 10:23pm

You’d come home to me whether it took twenty seconds or twenty years. You’d come home to me and I’d know you anywhere. I love you so much. 

02/08 @ 10:58pm

“Now help me, please, to get back home, and quickly! I miss my family. I have been gone so long it hurts.” 

Your Bradley

02/09 @ 7:03pm

At the airport for London! Taking off! And I may or may not have used points to upgrade to a Club World seat…but like? It’s a nonstop flight, so it’s okay, right? Work’s already paying for business class? It’s points from my work card? It’ll be fine, right?

I had to take an ativan in the lounge. I just hate that I still get so nervous whenever I fly long distance? I fly all the time, I shouldn’t be like this? You know, one time, I pretended you were flying my plane. I know it’s kind of dumb and silly and a completely different type of plane, but it made me feel better because you’d never let anything happen to me. 

Anyway, we’re book buddies!! I went to the bookstore a couple days ago and got a copy! I read the Odyssey back in high school, but forgot so much. I was reading in the lounge and this part made me think of you:

“...this lovely house, my marriage home, so full of wealth and life, which I suppose I will remember even in my dreams.”

I’ll text you when I land my darling boy, love you x

02/10 @ 6:02am

You gotta squeeze every last bit of your per diem out of pwc. You’ve been working way too hard lately. Fuck it, on the way home just put the upgrade on your work card or put it on mine. Have a safe (rest of your) flight - maybe one day you’ll let me take you up. Love Bradley 

02/10 @ 10:08am

Just landed and on my way to the office (already…)

I thought of you as I read and stared out the window on the plane. I could pretend I’m flying towards you, rather than further away. I can’t imagine how you feel doing this everyday, but I imagine it’s like feeling limitless, like everything is in front of you, there for the taking. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll let you take me up one day. 

I’ll keep you posted on how everything’s going if you do the same. All my love x

02/12 @ 5:49am

How’s it going, kid? They working you too hard? You’re in London! Try to enjoy it, you deserve it. One of the guys I’m with gave me a restaurant recommendation for you, said the drinks were amazing, his wife loved it. Do something fun while you’re there! And send me some pictures dammit!

Love you, 

Bradley 

02/12 @ 8:22am

Bradley! It’s been so so crazy here! I feel like I haven’t stopped since I landed. My ‘flat’ is so cute and right by the client’s offices, so it’s an easy commute. I feel so professional taking the Tube places too! It’s one thing I’d like us to have in San Diego as opposed to all the traffic. Also, it’s CHILLY here and I’m so glad I dug my big coat out of storage. I’ll try and check the restaurant out this weekend, I’m gonna sneak in a trip to the Tate, too. I’ve always wanted to see the Turners. Talk soon and love you bunches! x 

02/14 @ 9:54am

Bradley Bradshaw! You absolute SAP! HOW!?! Did you conspire with my dad again? Thank you for the flowers! I’m going to have the biggest smile on my face all day. I love you and hope this is the first of a lifetime of Valentine’s Days together. Always x 

02/14 @ 7:33pm

Happy Valentine’s Day to you too, kid. I’m not gonna lie, I gave your dad very specific instructions for the bouquet (I was going to ask Max, but he’d probably swap it for something ugly and cheap and keep the change…kidding (not)), so I’m glad they turned out well. It was a very big day on board today: we got special red heart cookies for the holiday. The mood was infectious, I can still taste the sprinkles. Maybe you could cook for me on our next Facetime? Have you learned anything good in class lately? It doesn’t have to be fancy, just wanna see you (and maybe also live vicariously through whatever you’re making).  

02/14 @ 7:33pm

Bradley! I think I can swing that for you, when do you think our next call will be? 

02/16 @ 3:18pm

Kid, you spoil me. This package is amazing, I don’t know where to start (just kidding it’s with the Cadbury chocolate and the Sudocrem as my burnt shoulders thank you), but everything is wonderful, thank you. I love hearing about London and seeing the pictures you sent last time. But I do have one complaint…you’re not in any of the pictures, kid, and that’s truly egregious. (Think we won’t be able to Facetime for a while, I gave Payback my slot the other day.)

02/16 @ 3:23pm

That’s not true! I’m in the one in front of the Tate!

02/16 @ 3:25pm

Yeah, but I can’t see you under all those layers! Just want to see your face. It’s been way too long since our last Facetime.

02/16 @ 9:52pm

As requested, Lieutenant Commander. I had one of the girls in the London office take this at dinner tonight. She really did wonders with the lighting and even managed to get my sidecar in the pic! x Love you

02/17 @ 6:55am

You look pretty. New dress? B

02/17 @ 7:17am

Maybe…it was on sale, couldn’t resist. But you’re gonna hate me because all of my clothes are very much not going to fit in your closet. Also, I bought you a new jacket and some socks. x

02/17 @ 7:20am

Ehhh I’m not too worried about the closet thing. But if you keep buying me clothes we might have a problem.

02/17 @ 7:24am

It’s so cute though!! You’re going to look so handsome in it! I got the green one for you!

02/17 @ 7:29am

Okay, admittedly a very nice jacket, thank you. But you are aware that we live in San Diego…

02/17 @ 7:31am

I am aware of that fact, LC Bradshaw. You can wear it when we visit my parents. Hell, I had to get my coat out of my storage closet for this trip. 

02/17 @ 6:53pm

Sighhhhh you raise a good point. Alright, alright, thank you for the jacket and socks my darling girl. What’d you have for dinner last night? We had chicken with these absolutely awful biscuits, tasted like saw dust, my stomach was growling for some more of that Cadbury chocolate (yes, Payback and I ate all of it already, though it was mainly Payback) for hours afterward. 

02/17 @ 6:59pm

Oh my sweet boy! Who do I need to call about your meal plan? Give me the number and I’ll call the Navy up right now. And I had scallops with truffle risotto. It was delicious. Wanted to lick the bowl clean. Love you bubs x

02/19 @ 10:22pm

Bubs, I cannot eat another meal out. I feel like I’m going to burst. I’ve gone to so many work dinners and lunches even before coming here, it almost makes me feel like a glutton. 

I miss you and your cooking (though I’ll have you know that my skills were vastly improving before my trip abroad!) and you standing behind me at the counter while I try to perfectly cut peppers. Sometimes I do it wrong on purpose so you’ll put your arms around me and I can feel the rumble of your voice. Would we call that weaponized incompetence? You better be ready for some Michelin Star meals when you get home, buddy. I just can’t wait to be home with you and roll over next to you in the morning and to tell you to stop snoring and that the battery in the smoke detector needs to be changed. I can’t wait to be home with you and make a life with you. I’m going to be really sappy now, but let me have this because I was reading this poem the other day and thought of you. 

“I am supposed to be touched. I can’t wait to find the person who will come into the kitchen just to smell my neck and get behind me and hug me and breathe me in and make me turn around and make me kiss his face and put my hands in his hair even with my soapy dishwater drips. I am a lovely woman. Who will come into my kitchen and be hungry for me?” (x)

Only a month until you’re home with me, I hope you’re hungry. 

All my love x

02/20 @ 4:50am

It’s only weaponized incompetence if the other person minds. I, however, do not mind. I loved that quote you sent me, going to be thinking about that one for a long time. I hate to tell you this, but I’m gonna be offline for a couple days. I hate that it’s at the end of your trip, but please please message me when you’re leaving/taking off and again when you land, you know I worry. Love you and am so unbelievably proud of you, kid! You killed it in London. Your Bradley

02/20 @ 7:03am

That’s okay, I totally understand. I’ll give you all the details on our next Facetime. In the meantime, I message you when I leave. Stay safe and love you, Bradley! x

02/23 @ 3:45pm

Taking off soon! I got an upgrade again, thankfully! And I made sure to put your new coat in my carry on - I don’t trust British Airways not to lose it! Taking an ativan again so hopefully I’ll sleep the entire flight - love you and talk soon!

02/24 @ 10:33pm

Just landed, slept through….90% of the flight! Apparently, there was bad turbulence, so probably for the best. Now, I know you would never have me deal with that my darling rocketman! Talk later - love you! x

02/25 @ 7:09pm

Feels kind of weird being back? I can’t quite get back into my routine. I’m not sure if it’s jet lag or something else? Feeling a little lost? x

02/26 @ 7:55pm

Bradley!!! You were so good, I’m so so proud of you! Max had everyone over at his place for us to watch you! We have quite the party here including my parents, Pete, Penny and Amelia, Natasha, Mickey and Cielo, Caroline, and Darcy. I’ll have to tell you about the parents meeting later. I wish you had been here for it, they took to each other like bees to honey. 

You looked tragically handsome, I practically had to hold back a moan when you were standing on the flight deck talking to Norah O’Donnell (is she as nice in person as she is on TV?). God, I want to ravish you, you sounded so fucking smart. You know like half the country is going to be in love with you now, right? I’ve got to get back to everyone, Max ordered dinner for us afterwards, but I had to email you as soon as you finished!

Just wanted to let you know how proud of you I am and how much I love you x

02/27 @ 5:09am

Thanks, kid. Sorry it took me a bit to respond, things have been getting a bit crazy, you know, now that I’m a celebrity and all? We’re winding down this training, so the next couple weeks are gonna be full of debriefs and paperwork, which means I should have a more stable schedule. Love you B

02/28 @ 11:48pm

Sometimes I wonder if you were here what would you do? Hold me? Love me? I never feel small except when I’m in your arms. x

02/29 @ 11:48pm

Some nights in bed, if I try really hard, I can imagine I’m laying down next to you. And it makes everything just a little easier. Bradley

03/01 @ 12:56am

I haven’t taken anything besides my fingers in months. You’re going to stretch me out so well when you get home. 

03/01 @ 7:19pm

And I’m gonna mark your ass pink for that comment. I can’t believe you sent that in the middle of the day. You getting yourself off at work? Dirty girl. 

03/01 @ 9:41pm

Never feels as good as when you do it. 

03/01 @ 10:01pm

And my hands pale in comparison to your pretty little cunt. You know that first time we slept together you were so fucking tight, I knew you hadn’t had a good fuck in ages. It gonna be like that again when I come home?

03/01 @ 10:05pm

Where are you going to have me first?

03/01 @ 10:06pm

In our bed, in our house, after you make me dinner in our kitchen. 

03/01 @ 10:09pm

Just over two weeks now, I can’t wait to see you. x

03/03 @ 5:55am

How you holding up, kid? You doing a little better this week work wise? Try and log off around 5 if you can. Don’t want you getting all worn down on me. 

They had us doing these war games yesterday that made me think of you. You would’ve walked circles around some of these other guys I swear. Think I can get a Facetime for us in a couple days? Probably will be our last one before I come home. Love you, B

03/03 @ 7:12am

Bradley! That's the best news I’ve had in ages! I can’t wait to see you! Definitely felt a little lost after coming back from London, but I hope my rut will be over soon? Tying things up with a client is always so lengthy and tedious. 

War games! ‘Would you like to play a game?’ I’d ask if you won, but no one ever wins in the art of war 😉Love you!

03/05 @ 8:54pm

So, here’s a new one. My mom called? She’s going to be stateside and wants to get lunch tomorrow. Could’ve done with a bit more warning, but apparently, she has a layover in San Diego on her way to New York to see my brother? I didn’t even know she was going to see him? I don’t even know if I want to see her? It’s funny, I can already tell you exactly how it’ll play out:

We’ll go to lunch at some sort of vegan restaurant, probably Donna Jean

She’ll make me pay

She’ll try to get me to use some sort of herb to promote weight loss since I’m looking a bit “pudgy” around the face

Though she’ll forget to ask about you, she’ll tell me about her latest string of failed relationships with bartenders and surf instructors in Canggu. Or is it Ubud? I genuinely don’t remember, she started in Ubud, but honestly my knowledge of Balinese geography is rudimentary at best 

She’ll ask how ‘that woman’ is doing as if Mary is just the woman my dad is seeing, not the woman who raised me and my brother

And finally, she’ll ask for money though betting is still open as to what for!

So, what do you say? Wanna put a wager on it? Your terms.

Love you! x

03/06 @ 6:30am

$100 she orders the caesar and makes you pay. I’m not even going to entertain the third parlay, pretty girl. Oddly feeling like she’s got a winner on her hands so yes she’ll talk about her new paramour. Does she really call Mary ‘that woman?’ And yes, without a question, she will ask you for money.

Your move my gorgeous girl,

Bradley

03/06 @ 7:49pm

I really wish you were here right now. She doesn’t even know me, but she somehow always manages to make me feel small. 

Caesar - no croutons 

I paid

Pudgy and frumpy, but she was hawking shakes not herbs

Failed relationship? No, she’s actually GETTING MARRIED

She did not ask about you much other than to say I need to watch my figure for you (see bullet point no. 3)

Mary was called ‘that woman’ six times before I stopped counting

She asked for money as a wedding present 

So, you didn’t get them all, but not a bad showing. Love you. Talk tomorrow on Facetime. x

03/07 @ 6:09am

God kid, I’m so sorry. She doesn’t know what she’s missing. Actually, I don’t even think she deserves to know what she’s missing. Did you talk to your dad or Mary about it? I know we’re talking later, but I just wanted you to have a message from me before you start your day. What’re you wearing to the office tomorrow? Have you worn that polka dot dress with the bow lately? You know it’s one of my favorites and that I always love unwrapping it when you get home from the office. 

Can’t wait to see you tonight. All my love, Bradley

03/07 @ 9:55am

The dress doesn’t fit. My mom was right, I shouldn’t have gotten the french toast.

I’m planning on talking to dad and Mary later today before you and I have our Facetime. I know they’ll make me feel better, much like you have my darling boy, but it still feels pretty crummy. Especially since I’m sure she’s going to have wonderful time in New York with my brother 🙄 and I’ll have to hear all about it next time I talk to him. 

And I’m not sure if I’ve unpacked that dress yet! I’ll have to do some digging. Talk soon! x

03/10 @ 3:26am

We had a little baby. He was always giggling and laughing and we were making silly faces and he looked so small in your arms, Bradley. So small and little and he was ours. And then I turned around and he was toddling around the house and we were chasing him and his little legs were moving so quickly and we all wound up on the couch in a tangle of limbs, giggling under the blankets as we tickled him and he called you daddy. 

It wasn’t our house - or what will be our house, I guess? Instead of the leather couch you have, it was white and big and wide and the three of us could easily fit on it, snuggled together. 

And I could feel your arms around me, rocking me back and forth. I could feel you humming in my ear and kissing my neck and telling me you loved me. I could feel it. I could feel you. I could feel him and you. And it was nice and I felt warm and safe and cherished and loved. Because I felt so much love for this little boy in my arms - the perfect mix of me and you. Everything felt right and perfect. 

Except when I rolled over in bed to tell you about it, I realized I was alone in my bed, in my apartment, and not in the house that we shared or with the little boy that looked so much like you and I haven’t felt so empty and sad since I can’t remember when. 

And I just miss you so much, Bradley. I know I can come across as glib and unfeeling sometimes and like this doesn’t affect me as much. But it does and sometimes I feel like my heart is going to burst because I’ve never felt like this for anyone else before? It’s never been so easy for me to love someone and let them love me to the point that I always want to be beside them. And I know with your job - and mine - that can’t always happen, but god Bradley I wish you were here right now so you could hold me and tell me you loved me because I just want to feel your arms around me and know you’re real. I want to tell you about the little boy - the perfect mix of me and you. 

I love you rocketman x

03/11 @ 12:49pm

I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. I realize that’s a lot to drop on you, especially since we can’t talk in person. I guess I’ve just never missed a person more in my life and seeing that future showed me what we could have when you come home. God, Bradley I want you to come home so badly. I want you to stay here with me forever and never leave and to have that cute little boy who was the perfect mix of me and you and to have you here in my arms every night. And I know it’s selfish of me to ask or even make you think about it, but I want you right here - in twenty seconds, not twenty years. 

How did your hop go today? x

03/11 @ 7:03pm

I have dreams like that, too. I’ll be little, but still older than I was when my dad died and we’ll be at the beach, running around, and he’ll pick me up and spin me around like I’m flying on an airplane. 

But then it’ll be me and my kid, running around and I’ll pick them up and spin them around like they’re flying on an airplane. Sometimes it’s a girl, sometimes a little boy. But I always just can feel and tell that I love them and I’d do anything for them. 

And I used to hate waking up alone after I had them and I’d feel empty and sad and like I had the feeling that they should still be there? Except now I have you and I know it doesn’t just have to be a dream?

Sorry it took me so long to reply. Today was hectic and I didn’t get to check my email until later. But if I checked it earlier, my day would’ve been a lot easier on my heart. 

All my love,

Your Bradley

03/12 @ 7:11pm

How do you always know exactly what to say? I’m sorry for springing that all on you, know it wasn’t exactly a quick/easy message, but I love that you knew exactly what I meant. My day’s always a lot easier on my heart when I hear from you, too. Love you x

03/13 @ 10:17pm

i miss having you around to take care of me. and telling me what to do and what to wear for you and how you want me and where you want me and when you want me and and and. and how good i feel around you as you come, how you take what’s yours. how i need you to take control and tell me what i need because i’m too much of a dumb slut to figure it out on my own. i need you so much bradley. and it’s so hard because i’m trying to take care of myself like you do and imagine what you’d do if you were with me right now. but i’m so frustrated since no one takes care of me like you do. i feel so empty. nothing stretches me out like you do, nothing makes me feel as small as you do, nothing makes me flush like the sound of your voice against my neck as i come, nothing soothes the ache inside me like you do. need you to call me good girl, pretty girl, sweet girl, anything as long as it’s yours. 

i need you i need you i need you i need you bradley bradley bradley bradley

3/13 @ 10:39pm

Awwww sweetheart, did you get yourself all worked up over me? It’s okay, I know it’s hard for you all by yourself. Must’ve been real bad for you to risk this getting flagged, huh? Poor thing, don’t worry, I’ll take care of you. 

Want you to pretend I’m next to you, leaning over you as you lay down and touch yourself. Say yes Bradley, more Bradley. Bradley, Bradley, Bradley. Good girl. 

Want you naked under the covers, no frilly little pajama set or anything. No, I want your cum to stain the sheets and then for you to have to clean up in the morning, all embarrassed because you did this. You made yourself like this because you can’t control yourself without me around. All that cum being wasted. Nobody around to lick it off your pussy. So what doesn’t get on the sheets, you have to taste. Good girl. 

Want you to use your fingers - only your fingers, I’ll know if you use anything else. Start with your breasts. Think of how perfectly they fit in my hands and how yours aren’t quite the same. They aren’t as big. Aren’t as strong. Play with your nipples, drag your nails across the soft skin on the underside of your breasts.

Want you to sigh my name as you slide your hands down your stomach towards your pretty little pussy. Have you shaved? Gotten a wax? You know how I like it, want it just like that when I get home. Pretend it’s my fingers sliding into your cunt. A few touches and you’re already clenching on air and I’m not even around. 

In and out, in and out. Circle your clit with your thumb. Add another finger, then another. You rocking your hips yet? I know you’re soaked. I know you want more. Three fingers can’t stretch you out nearly as much as you need. But I don’t know if you can handle anything else without me around. And I know you would never disagree with me, right? Because you’re my good girl and good girls do what they’re told. 

Don’t hesitate to get loud. You’re in our house, in our bed, you can be as loud as you want. Bet you’re getting close, huh? Try and last a little longer, can you hear yourself and how wet you are? Are you shaking yet? I know you’re close. Go ahead, speed up your fingers, just the way I do. It’s okay, you can come. Know you’re gonna get sleepy soon, wish I could sleep inside you, nice and tight.

Now say thank you Bradley. Good girl. 

03/14 @ 5:49pm

Thank you, Bradley. Thank you for taking care of me last night 

You like chicken piccata, right?

03/14 @ 7:33pm

Yeah, kid, I like chicken piccata. 

03/14 @ 7:39pm

Okay, that’s good. I’m going to make it when you come home. I ran it by my cooking instructor. Ina’s recipe of course. 

(I’ve read your email seven times since you sent it. I’ve thought about it constantly. I want you to take me softly and slowly that first time. But after that? I can’t wait to let go and float. Love you so much x)

03/15 @ 6:09am

You’re the boss. Good thing I’ll be home soon, you’re gonna run out of material. As is, I had to type that last one with one hand. 

Love you,

B

03/15 @ 7:21am

I’ll be good till you get home, promise. 

Have a good day, do you think we’ll get to talk much from now till Friday? Love you x

03/15 @ 7:24am

I’ll hold you to it. 

I don’t think so, might be able to send one out before leaving the boat. Better make it a good one. 

All my love

Your Bradley 

03/15 @ 7:25am

You got it! Love you bubs 

03/18 @ 11:08pm

Kid - there’s this lyric that keeps running through my head: ‘and I want you right here.’ I want you beside me - today, tomorrow, all my days. I want you right here, beside me forever. In twenty seconds, not twenty years. See you tomorrow.

All my love,

Your Bradley

03/18 @ 11:11pm

See you tomorrow, rocketman. I’ll be the one in blue.

Love you x

a/n: thanks for reading! i'll be back with part ii and part iii (hopefully not in...4 months). i had so much fun writing these and getting to explore a different format and side to their relationship! thanks to alexa @sometimesanalice, kylie @ofstoriesandstardust, cass @notroosterbradshaw, elle @dissonannce, nik @cherrycola27, and loren @heartsofminds for all the support!

[smytherines]

Do y'all ever think about the part in A1P1 where Owen and Curt are about to do the handclasp thing and get interrupted by Barb? Because it's super interesting to me. It's one the few times when the choreography seems to break out from being non-diegetic (meant to represent something, not literally meant to be what is happening) to diegetic (something that is occurring within the story)

I can't get a clean shot of it, but it's very interesting that they're about to do the clasp, Curt gets a call, Owen waves his hand kinda annoyed at the interruption, and then Curt talks to Barb while Owen fights a guy on the catwalk.

The implication is that they weren't literally clasping arms, but the way the characters react tells us that the interruption was real. So now when I watch the show it's like... maybe they hadn't seen each other for awhile, and finally had a moment alone to just reunite, maybe a hug or a kiss or just an opportunity to freely talk to each other, and that's what Barb's call interrupts. Its kinda brilliant that these little moments are both obscured and accentuated by the choreography.

I do not know a goddamn thing about choreography, but the more I watch this show the more in awe I am of Lauren Lopez as a choreographer, because there is so much storytelling packed into the choreography of A1P1 especially. The first time you see it your brain can easily slip into "this is a stylized James Bond intro sequence," but on the rewatch it's like "oh, OH! This is kinda... intimate, isn't it?"

And Corey Lubowich deserves so much credit for directing the show just in general (Corey I love you), but especially for one of my absolute favorite parts- the hug. In the BTS stuff there's a scene of Corey, Joey, and Curt working out the hug choreography, with Corey talking about how it should be one fluid motion between the embrace and the action stance, which is just *chefs kiss* because it really does kinda fool you into thinking it's a stylistic choice instead of a storytelling choice on the first watch. (Plus it just looks cool as hell)

[district9and3starkids]

Little detail in NPMD that’s living rent free in my mind (spoilers ahead!)

I know the fandom has been obsessing over figuring out the lyrics to everyone’s favorite chaotic™️ scene but I wanna acknowledge something in the choreography that caught my attention💃🏻

Okay so first off MASSIVE PROPS to Lauren for choreographing this so amazingly. If you pay close attention you’ll notice that each of the Lords in Black has their own cute little 8 count dance related to their character (some more clear than others).

Pokey💙

switching back and forth between his hand and the mask (I’m assuming representing him wanting to block out every voice that’s not his own).

Nibbly💗

need I explain???

Wiggly💚

I’m assuming the arm motions are supposed to represent his tentacles

Blinky💜

also self-explanatory

Tinky💛

… okay honestly this one tripped me up but it fits the vibe

Okay so this alone was a cool discovery, but THEN I noticed that the Lords in Black cycled through each other’s choreography throughout the scene. After a million watches that I absolutely don’t regret I’m pretty sure I figured out the pattern to be: Wiggly➡️Tinky➡️Nibbly➡️Blinky➡️Pokey🔁 in a looping order. There were a few discrepancies in this pattern (I think possibly either due to choreography mistakes or maybe it was just to make the choreography look more symmetrical?) but this was the order that most commonly persisted:

Anything in parenthesis is what I think they were supposed to do because it’s a simple switch that fits the pattern (Corey never did Tinky’s dance but did Nibbly’s for 2 cycles, Lauren had Nibbly and Tinky’s reversed).

Anyway this may already be a thing because I definitely need to get caught up on Hatchetfield lore but I’m wondering if there’s any significance to this order?

It almost matches the order that we were introduced to the Lords in Black in (Blinky being the one out of place):

Wiggly (Black Friday)

Blinky (Watcherworld. NMT Season 1, episode 1 part 2)

Tinky (Time Bastard. NMT Season 1, episode 2 part 2)

Nibbly (Honey Queen. NMT Season 2, episode 1)

Pokey (Yellow Jacket. NMT Season 2, episode 4).

It almost matches reverse order to when we were first introduced to all of the dolls in The Witch in the Web: Pokey➡️Blinky➡️Tinky➡️Nibbly➡️Wiggly. Nibbly and Tinky are reversed, which could maybe be connected to Lauren reversing their dances in the order but I feel like that’s too far of a reach:

It also almost matches the order that the names are read from in the black book (again reverse order and Nibbly and Tinky are switched):

^creds to whoever typed out the script cause my digital ticket expired by the time I realized I wanted to double check this

It makes sense that invoking the names ends with Wiggly since it’s been implied at multiple times that he is the most powerful and terrible of the Lords in Black but other than that I’m clueless.

One moment that perfectly matches the pattern in the dance if you reverse it is the one real picture we have of the dolls from Nick’s Twitter:

If you start with any of them and go backwards it matches the (most consistent) pattern from the dance perfectly: Nibbly⬅️Tinky⬅️Wiggly⬅️Pokey⬅️Blinky

There’s more stuff that shows up in the choreography throughout the dance that intrigued me but this post is already way too long and I’m guessing with my luck there’s probably 0 significance to the order that the dances were done in buuuut yeah I’m driving myself insane on this so if anyone has any insight let me know!

Nerdy prudes must die🤪

[mysterious-moonstruck-musings]

Destiny & Deliverance: Chapter 18

Destiny & Deliverance Masterlist ||| Dieter Bravo X OFC Smut & Sensitive Topic Warning - Minors DNI New as of 8/25/2023

SUPPORT YOUR CREATORS. REBLOGGING & COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED.

Series Rating: Explicit (18+)

Series Summary: Natalia Cohen is experiencing major life changes, beginning with leaving an emotionally abusive husband. She is learning how to navigate life on her own while dealing with high functioning anxiety, depression, and mild PTSD. Everything is looking up for her. She is a highly respected consultant for a major LA firm, has her best friend, Lauren, by her side, and is on her path to healing. Everything changes when she meets a handsome and broken stranger on a work trip. He turns out to be a well-known actor, with a heart-breaking past. They quickly develop a connection that will forever alter their lives. 

Warnings: Themes dealing with mental health, emotional trauma, alcohol use, and discussions about suicide. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn type of story. Read at your own risk.

Chapter Quote: "You are enough."

A/N: This chapter contains discussions about suicide. It also contains a little angst, light smut, and fluff. More after the jump.

Since we don't get a POV from Dieter in this series, I thought it might be nice to pick a few songs from the master playlist to share. I will probably start doing this for the remaining chapters so that we can get inside his head a little bit. At this point, I feel like the entire No Name Face album by Lifehouse is Dieter's life. So, you will get a lot of songs from that, but I'll throw in some others too. 😊

Before you start reading, I recommend having some tissue and chocolate on hand. It gets heavy toward the end. It does get a little graphic and the topic of death is discussed. Consider that a final warning. Lastly, a quick thank you to @for-a-longlongtime for being my beta on this chapter. It was nice to have early feedback given the sensitive nature of the topics covered in this one. Enough rambling from me. Happy reading.

Dieter and I got up early the next morning to start preparing for our trip. He left to go get some things from his house while I packed. I was a little flustered because I didn’t know where we were going or what we were doing. When I asked him what to bring, he gave me a mischievous grin before telling me to pack for any possible situation. That only annoyed me further. I ended up packing two bags worth of stuff and I didn’t care how excessive it was. That’s what he got for not telling me things.

When he returned later in the morning, he brought in a duffle bag that he had packed and added his phone charger and clothing items that he kept at my house. By the way he moved, I could tell that his mood had started to shift over the past couple of hours. He seemed increasingly anxious and more fidgety than usual. I wasn't sure what was prompting the change - whether it was the idea of leaving town or the change in routine.

We left around midday. Dieter had let me know that we had nearly a seven-hour drive to get to wherever it was we were going. I texted Lauren to let her know we would be out of town for a few days. Unsurprisingly, she started rapidly firing off questions about the trip that I didn’t have answers to. She got more annoyed with every “I don’t know” response I sent. She finally gave up and told me to have fun.

Dieter took a minute to call Gabby, because apparently cell service wasn’t the greatest at our destination. When she answered, he was quick to let her know she was on speaker phone and that I was with him in the car, which seemed odd to me. He told her we were on our way to Sonoma, and she fell quiet for a moment. I watched the frown that fell over his face as he waited for a response. She inhaled sharply before she finally spoke.

“Good. I’m happy to hear you guys are gonna spend some time away together. Especially there. I think it's a good thing.”

“Yeah, I agree. I think it’s a good idea. I’ll, ugh, I’ll talk to you when we get back.”

There was an odd tone to both of their voices, which almost made me feel like they were talking in code. They said their goodbyes shortly after that.

The long drive seemed to be making Dieter restless. He was getting more and more keyed up with every mile that passed. He seemed very fidgety and on edge. When it got close to dinner time, we pulled off at a small diner that was fairly empty. He seemed distracted throughout the meal, occasionally staring off into the distance at nothing. I didn’t mention anything about it, but it definitely had my attention. We ate quickly and left without him being noticed by anyone, thankfully. I had hoped the stop would help him relax some, but that didn’t seem to be the case. As soon as we got back on the road, I grabbed his right hand and held it in both of mine, gently rubbing it the entire time. I tried to keep a light conversation going to distract him, which seemed to help some.

Around 9:30 pm, Dieter informed me that we were almost at our destination. As we turned down a small road, I started to notice large open fields full of rows of something I couldn’t make out in the darkness. We eventually came to a large Spanish Colonial style house. It was an older home, but still beautiful. Some parts of the aged and discolored stone walls were covered in vines that crept all the way to the top. Everywhere you looked you were met with brightly colored plants and foliage. I still had no clue where we were.

Dieter parked the car out front. When we exited the vehicle, we were met by two men and a woman. Dieter passed his keys off to the younger of the two men, who went to get our bags out of the car. The other two met us in front of the large wooden entry doors.

“Hola Lucia, Mateo.” Dieter gave the man a nod as Lucia came in for a tight hug. She seemed very excited to see him and somewhat emotional. They had a quick conversation in Spanish that I couldn’t follow. I heard Dieter mention my name as he gestured toward me. Lucia came over to hug me, which took me by surprise.

As she pulled away, her eyes sparkled, and she gave me a genuine smile.

“I’m so happy to meet you. It’s been too long since he’s been here. It’s wonderful to see you both.”

Lucia was a petite older woman with graying hair and kind eyes. She spoke with a slight Spanish accent. She seemed very sweet. She quickly introduced me to her husband, Mateo, who had the same distinguished accent. He seemed a little gruff, but nice. He was on the taller side and fit for someone his age. He had a wonderful head full of thick dark hair. I imagined he was probably quite the looker in his younger years.

We all walked in through the big wooden doors. On the other side was a courtyard full of plants and greenery. There was a large two-tiered fountain in the center. Lucia turned to let us know the master suite had been prepared for us and the kitchen was stocked if we needed anything to snack on. Then, they said their goodbyes and headed in for the night. They disappeared off to the left and entered what looked like a small apartment area attached to the main home. I turned to Dieter with a questioning look on my face. I still had no idea what was going on. 

“Lucia and Mateo are the caretakers for this place. They live in the staff apartment over there with their grandson, Jose.”

I nodded. That didn’t really clear anything up for me.

“So, what is this place exactly?”

“It’s a vineyard.” I nodded my head, still not fully understanding how Dieter fit into this equation. He seemed hesitant to offer any further details, so I didn’t prod.

We walked toward the main entrance of the house, seeing the younger gentleman, who I assumed was Jose, exit and wish us a good evening.                                           

The inside of the house was beautiful. It had an old-world charm to it.  Antique furnishings could be seen everywhere you looked. The walls and ceiling were a soft cream color. Dark wooden beams accented the ceiling. All the doors were made of the same dark wood as were the door trim and baseboards. The floor was made with what appeared to be dark brick stones. There was a large bronze chandelier that hung over the dark wooden entryway table. In the center of the table sat a large vase full of white roses. 

I slowly followed behind Dieter as he made his way toward the stairwell, stopping ever so often to look at different things. I was drawn to a small accent table at the foot of the stairs that had a lot of old framed photos sitting on it. They were all black and white and appeared to have been taken in this house based on the familiar furnishings in the background. A picture of a woman holding a small boy caught my eye. I don’t know why, but I picked it up for a closer look.

“Do you know who these people are?”

“Previous owners of this place,” he said from behind me.

I examined the picture further. The woman was smiling, but something in her eyes looked sad. It was stirring some sort of emotion in me that I couldn’t place.

“She’s beautiful,” I mumbled quietly.

Dieter grabbed my free hand as he cleared his throat.

“How about we head up and get ready for bed. We’re gonna have a long day tomorrow.”

I set the picture back down and nodded. We made our way upstairs. Our room was huge. It had a sitting area around a fireplace. There were large glass doors that opened out onto a terrace. The doors were framed with sheer flowy curtains, layered with thicker darker colored ones to block the sunlight. A large four poster king bed sat opposite of the sitting area. The dark wood of the frame had intricate carvings that matched the style of the house. A matching wardrobe set off to one side. One of the doors was open, revealing two fluffy robes and a basket full of travel sized items that we might need for our stay. Our bags had been placed on the floor next to the wardrobe.

“This place is amazing,” I said as I turned to Dieter. I realized he had been watching me take everything in with a smirk on his face.

He walked over to me and wrapped one arm around my waist, while putting the other hand on my cheek. He pulled me tightly against him, briefly rubbing his nose against mine before kissing me gently. I deepened the kiss, but he pulled away soon after, staring into my eyes. His anxiety was still clear, even though he began to relax into our embrace. I struggled to read the emotion on his face. I could tell he was thinking about something as he started to chew at his lip, but he didn’t say anything. He gave me another quick kiss before saying we should get ready for bed.

I dug through my bag for my nightshirt. It was the same racerback tank sleep shirt I had worn in New York the night we had watched the movie. My mind briefly wandered back to that night. That was the night both of our lives got upturned by each other. Now here we were. After grabbing my toothbrush and toothpaste from my luggage, I went to the bathroom.

The bathroom was in the same style as the rest of the house. All stone and dark wood. An old clawfoot bathtub sat in one corner. There was a glass walk-in shower in the other. The bathroom had clearly been updated at some point, but it still captured the old world charm the rest of the house had. I absolutely loved it.

Once I was down to brushing my teeth, I opened the door for Dieter. He had already changed into his shorts by the time he came in with his toothbrush. I noticed his eyes roaming over my bare skin, but he behaved himself, for the most part. He definitely had some wandering hands once we snuggled into bed, but eventually he settled down and dozed off after we tangled ourselves up together. I wasn’t far behind him.  

The following morning, I was awakened by Dieter gently brushing my hair off my face. When my eyes fluttered open, he was propped up on his elbow staring at me with a hint of a smile on his face. I gave him a playful look before I turned over on my back, raising my arms above my head and pointing my toes for a full body stretch. His eyes very obviously roamed over my body as I did so. He reached over and put his hand around my midsection, pulling me in closer to bury his face in the crook of my neck.  

“Good morning, mi estrella,” he huskily mumbled into my neck. The vibration from his voice and heat from his breath caused goosebumps to ripple right under my skin. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he moved up to kiss me deeply. His hand slowly moved up my thigh, dipping under my night shirt to rest on the bare skin of my waist. But before it could go any further, we were interrupted by a landline phone ringing next to the bed. He pulled away, resting his forehead against mine for a moment as he sighed heavily. Then he moved to answer the phone, speaking in Spanish as he did so. I heard him say Lucia’s name, possibly telling her good morning. He hung up and turned to me with an amused look on his face.

“You ready to get the day started?”

“That depends, what’s on the agenda?” I replied, slightly bemused. He flashed a toothy smile at me.

“First, breakfast. It’s waiting for us outside.”

He got out of bed and threw a robe at me to put on. He pulled back the curtains and opened the glass doors that led out to the terrace. Sure enough, breakfast was set up on a table for us.

I smirked, “Damn, I could get used to this.”

I threw on the robe and joined him outside to eat.

“Seriously, what’s on the agenda for today?”

“Have you ever ridden a horse?” He asked me with a dimpled grin. I raised an eyebrow at him.

“Yes, but it’s been a while. Why?”

“I thought we could take a ride around the grounds. It’s the best way to travel around here.” He winked at me.   

I narrowed my eyes at him, “Well, I’m glad I did pack for every possible scenario. Horses were not on my bingo card though. If I would’ve known, I could’ve brought my riding crop, but I’m not sure it's made to be used on horses.” Dieter’s eyes widened and he nearly choked on the food he was chewing. I laughed.

“Are you making dirty jokes right now?” He looked a little shocked as I continued to chuckle.

“Yes. I do that sometimes.” He gave me a big smile as he shook his head at me.

We finished eating, then got dressed. Luckily, I had brought some jeans and outdoor shoes to wear. We made our way out back to a small horse stable. I watched as he saddled up two horses for us. I was surprised at how well he knew his way around the place and how good he was with the horses. I didn’t know this was a skill he had. It was kind of hot. The thought of him in a cowboy hat was suddenly doing things to me. He caught me staring at him, with what I’m sure was an inappropriate look on my face. He raised a brow at me with a flirty look on his face. That wasn’t helping my situation. 

“You see something you like ma’am?” I huffed at him as I rolled my eyes. Turning away to look around at my surroundings. “Yes, the view here is amazing”. I could hear him chuckling behind me. He knew what he was doing.

Once he got the horses ready, we spent the entire morning riding across the grounds. The property was expansive and beautiful. There were rows of vines that seemed to go on for miles. On the north side of the property was a wooded area with trails that we rode on for a while. The trail opened to a small creek. It was very peaceful there.

As we made our way around, Dieter would point things out and explain how it related to viticulture, or the cultivation of grapevines. Anything from topographical features to the different blocks of soil types and how those things affected vine growth. I was honestly a little shocked he knew so much on the topic.

Overall, his mood seemed good throughout the morning. However, I could sense small shifts during moments of silence. I could tell he had something on his mind the whole time, even when he was engaged in conversation. He seemed to move between moments of melancholy and anxiety.

Once we realized it was getting close to lunch time, we headed back toward the house. He said we would be having a picnic on the hillside, but we needed to pick up the food from Lucia. I wondered how much of this trip he had planned himself and how much was Lucia. I couldn’t tell, but I loved how much thought had gone into it. If he hadn't already owned my body and soul, this trip definitely would have solidified things between us. I could feel the connection between us getting stronger just by being here together. Even though we hadn’t discussed it yet, it felt like his feelings were in the same place as mine at this point.

We made a quick stop at the house to grab our lunch and a large picnic blanket. Dieter quickly packed everything away in a saddle bag before we headed off to whatever spot he had picked out. He led me to a hilltop on the west side of the property that had an amazing view of all the surroundings. You could see the house, the fields, and the periphery of the wooded area. It was a perfect spot. As we ate, he continued to tell me about things on the property and the challenges of the wine making process. It was kind of adorable, as talking about it caused a small spark of excitement in his eyes.

While he spoke, I noticed a stone arch with steps near the edge of the wooded area. I could vaguely make out what looked like a lattice style fence under the growth out to the sides of it. I hadn't noticed it before since we didn’t ride down that far.

“What’s that over there?” I asked him. He was quiet for a minute. I noticed his brows knitted together.

“It’s the family cemetery.”

“Oh.” I replied solemnly. The question seemed to momentarily shift his mood again, but it didn’t last long. He changed the subject by pulling out a bottle of wine. He was about to pour it into a glass, but I took it from him and drank from the bottle. He gave me a surprised look.

“Glasses aren’t necessary,” I said with a chuckle, then passed him the bottle. We drank a good deal of it as we sat chatting. Both of us were clearly becoming more relaxed. The chatting somehow turned into a heated make out session, until he abruptly peeled himself away from me.

“I need to calm down before we both end up naked. They can probably see us up here.”

I laughed before giving him one last chaste kiss on the lips. He sat propped up on one arm, staring down at me for some time. Using his other hand to brush my hair back or to drape around my midsection. Occasionally bending to give me a brief kiss in varying places on my face. We sat in silence like that for a while. Just taking each other in and being together. It was strangely peaceful and intimate. The quiet moment ended when one of the horses wandered over and started nibbling at the leftover fruit, which sent us into a fit of laughter as Dieter tried to take it away from the horse, who was not having it. We took that as our cue to get going.  

We spent several more hours riding and walking around in the fields. We were both filthy before all was said and done. We had a good time though and I had learned a lot from him. I was strangely very much into the topic of viticulture all of a sudden.

We made our way back to the stables. I went ahead to the house to shower and get ready for dinner while Dieter took care of the horses. Once he was finished, he too came to shower while I was getting dressed. We decided to be a little extra and dress up for the occasion. I wore a burgundy sundress and put my hair up in a messy curly updo. Dieter wore some dark slacks with a white button up dress shirt. He rolled up the sleeves and left the top few buttons open. The way the shirt fit across his shoulders and around his arms was distracting. All I could think about was ripping it off him. He caught me staring more than once and gave me a flirty smile every single time. 

Once we were ready, he grabbed my hand and led me downstairs. Lucia had set up dinner for us on the patio outside of the sitting room. There was a large tree in the middle that had lit antique chandeliers in varying sizes hanging from it. The table was set beautifully with a tablecloth, a small vase of white roses, and a few small candles sitting in the middle of the tablescape. The sun was just starting to disappear behind the hills which made for a very romantic setting. I was surprised by it all and it made me a little emotional. I wasn’t used to such grand gestures. I took a deep breath to try and steady myself as I felt my eyes begin to water. Thankfully it passed before Dieter noticed…or maybe he did see it and just chose not to say anything.

We spent dinner talking about our day. There was a lot of laughing and intense gazes that eventually led into soft touches across the table and legs grazing underneath it. As the final bits of daylight disappeared and we indulged in the wine, I could feel the atmosphere shifting. You could cut the sexual tension with a knife. I knew exactly how this evening was going to end one way or another and it couldn't come soon enough. I had already caught myself clenching my thighs together all throughout dinner. It was maddening.

Once we finished eating, we wandered inside to the dimly lit sitting room. I was drawn to a small table near the window that had a bunch of old framed pictures on it. They were pictures of the same people from before. There was one in particular that caught my attention. It was the same woman from earlier, dancing with a handsome dark-haired man in what looked like this same room. I picked it up to look at it as Dieter walked up behind me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me tightly against him as he looked at the picture over my shoulder. I could feel his jaw tightening. I set the picture down and started examining the antique gramophone that sat next to the pictures.  

“I’ve never seen one of these in person. Does it work?” I turned to look at him. He gave me a sad smile.

“I’m not sure. It used to.”

He moved to turn it on. To our surprise a classical melody started playing almost immediately through the horn. I smiled up at Dieter. He smiled back at me as he grabbed my hands and pulled me toward the open space in front of the patio doors. He put one arm around my waist, pulling me in closely as he held the other and started to sway to the music. I couldn’t help the smile that broke across my face.

We danced in silence for several minutes, gazing deeply into each other's eyes. Eventually the pace of the music picked up speed. He responded by moving us around the room in practiced motions that I wasn’t expecting. Both of us giggling like children as we went. As the music came to a close, he twirled me around and ended it by dipping me backwards. Enthusiastic smiles were plastered across both of our faces as he leaned down and met me for a kiss. As he raised me back to a standing position, the kiss deepened. I reached up to run my hands through his hair while his hands gripped my hips.  

I could feel his posture change as he slowed things down, eventually stopping to rest his head against mine with his eyes closed. When I pulled back to look at him, his brows were drawn tightly together, creating a deep crease between them. When he finally opened his eyes, they were watery and full of some emotion that I could not discern. He searched my face as he pushed some loose curls back from my forehead. He leaned in to kiss me, more urgently this time, but broke away after a moment to ask if I wanted to go upstairs. I gave him a quick nod while I continued to study his face. He seemed to be cycling through several different emotions all at once.   

We quickly made our way back to our room and started undressing each other as soon as the door closed behind us. He scooted back onto the center of the bed, motioning for me to come to him. I crawled over and straddled his lap. I could already feel his hardness pressing against me as he kissed down my neck and breasts. I could feel his fingers running up the inside of my thigh before they met the bundle of nerves between my legs. I was already wet and ready for him when he inserted his fingers. I was in such a frenzy for him that it didn’t take long for me to be overcome by pleasure from his movements. Before I had a chance to recover, he was already placing himself at my entrance. I wasted no time in sinking down on him.

It was slow and sensual; the focus was on our connection to one another. The emotions were running deep this time. It was the most intense that it had ever been. We went on for some time, both of us sweaty and panting into each other's mouths. As I increased the speed of my rhythm, I could feel the build of a second release nearing. He too was close. When my muscles tightened around him, he spilled into me with a soft groan. We hugged each other tightly, burying our faces into one another as we both tensed through our releases.

We sat with him still inside me, unmoving for some time. We shared gazes, soft touches, and more kisses. Eventually my legs started to protest, worn out from the day's activities. I groaned as we moved to lay down under the covers where we continued our intimate embrace. We both drifted off to sleep soon after.        

I later awoke to the feel of a soft breeze and morning dew creeping into the room from the open terrace doors. The sunlight was just beginning to peek over the horizon, giving the room a soft glow. The bed beside me was empty and cold with Dieter nowhere in sight. I grabbed one of the fluffy robes from the wardrobe and walked out onto the terrace to find him. He was sitting in a chair, staring off in the distance with red rimmed eyes and a half empty bottle of bourbon in his hand. His eyes met mine. He looked lost and broken in a way that I had never seen. Whatever it was that had been bothering him the last couple of days was finally breaking through the surface. I approached him and reached for the hand he had resting on his chest. He pulled me over to him and hugged me around the waist, resting his forehead against my stomach.

“I want to talk to you about something,” he said with a gravelly voice.

“It’s something that I’ve never fully told anyone, but I think it’s time I did. If I’m ever gonna get my shit together, I have to. I think you’re the only person I feel comfortable opening up to about it. It’s one of the reasons I wanted to bring you here.”

Dieter leaned back into the seat as I climbed up onto his lap, straddling his hips to sit face to face with him. He too was wearing one of the robes from our room. I could tell he hadn’t bothered to put anything else on underneath. Normally, that would have been distracting, but right now it was just an afterthought. I took the bourbon bottle from his left hand and set it on the ground. Then started rubbing the back of his neck. The fingers of my right hand were still entwined with his against his chest.

“I know I’ve never mentioned my parents. You might have caught on that they died when we were younger, but I’ve never told you the details. My mom’s death specifically is something that I’ve really struggled with. I haven’t even told my sister or brother everything that happened the day that she died.”

He took a deep breath and looked off into the distance where he had been staring earlier.

“This place belonged to my parents. It belongs to me now, but this is only like the fourth time I’ve been back here since my father died when I was twenty.”

He drew his brows down together before he continued. I could tell he was trying hard to control his emotions.

“Before that, I hadn’t been here since we buried my mom on the property when I was thirteen. I just couldn’t handle the memories.”

He briefly stopped speaking, seeming to think through his next words.

“The week that she died…my father was out of town on business. She had always struggled with depression and at the time I didn’t even really understand what that meant. That week she seemed worse than normal, and I thought she just really missed dad. She always had a harder time when he was gone.”

He paused, inhaling deeply again. He placed his right hand on my hip and knotted the fabric of my robe in his fist before he continued. He was still staring off in the distance, unblinking.

“She really loved flowers. White roses specifically. She said they symbolized love, loyalty, and a fresh start. She was always talking about the meaning and symbolism of things.” He gave a small laugh before briefly biting at his lip.

“That morning I woke up really early. I’d planned to go get some fresh flowers from her garden to help cheer her up when she got out of bed. It was an unusual thing for me to do. I mean, I would bring her flowers all the time, but never early in the morning like that. So, I’m sure it never crossed her mind that I would be the one to find her.”

My breath caught in my throat. This is the reason he is so broken. This is why he is so afraid of love and loss. This one incident had shaped his life of loveless solitude. Since the moment I had met him, he had a sadness behind his eyes that was unreadable. Even when he seemed to be at his happiest, I could sense it just underneath the surface. This is what he has been holding on to since the day he lost one of the most important people in his life and he was choosing to share it with me rather than anyone else.

I knew I had been feeling a shift in our relationship, but I wasn’t expecting this. He was trusting me with his biggest and most heartbreaking secret. I sat in silence, tears slowly starting to slide down my face as I understood what he was about to tell me. I didn’t know what to say, so I just continued to comfort him with physical touch as always. It had become our secret language to one another after all.

He looked down at our entwined hands with a stuttered breath as he continued. He talked slowly, stopping ever so often to manage his emotions.

“It was during sunrise. Kind of like it is now. I walked down to her garden. There used to be a huge apple tree that grew near that old fountain down there at the bottom of the hill. I saw her as soon as I got to the edge of the garden. I knew what I was seeing, but I couldn’t really process it. She was hanging from the tree. My automatic reaction was to run over and try to hold her up. To take the pressure off the rope. I just knew she would be fine if I could only hold her up. I don’t know how long I stood there trying to hold her and screaming for help before somebody heard me. It seemed like an eternity. Finally, one of the workers heard me and rushed over.”

His voice became very flat and void of emotion. He continued to stare at our hands blankly. 

“Everything that happened after that is kind of a blur. I remember sitting on the ground and crying…while they cut the rope to bring her down. It was clear she’d been there for a while. She was blue and cold. At the time, I felt like I’d failed her. I should’ve gone out sooner or tried harder to hold her up. I know that’s ridiculous because they said she’d likely been there most of the night.”

He briefly shook his head from side to side before continuing, keeping his eyes focused on our hands.

“The next day… out of pure rage, I set the tree and the garden on fire. I stood there and watched it burn while everybody rushed to put it out. My father was so angry about it.”

His voice shook. He was starting to break. I could see it was taking everything in him to hold it back. He finally looked up at me and my heart shattered.

“Why wasn’t I enough for her to want to stay? Why couldn’t she stay for her kids? I literally worshiped the ground she walked on. She was my life and none of us were enough for her.”

Dieter started sobbing. I hugged him and cried with him. He continued with his head buried in my neck.

“I have so much anger toward her for leaving us like that and I hate myself for it. I feel like, if I wasn’t enough for my mother, how can I ever be enough for anyone else? Why do I deserve to find happiness when she couldn’t? I’m so afraid of finding someone I want in my life in every way and they’re going to leave me because I can’t get my shit together or something’s gonna happen to them and I’m not going to be able to handle it. I’m already on the edge as it is. What if I'm like her and I do what she did to someone else? I don’t want to put someone through that. I haven’t been able to bring myself to take that chance and I’ve lived a fucking miserable existence because of it. I don’t want that anymore.”

I raised his face with both of my hands to make him look at me. The look in his eye seemed different. Almost relieved.

“Dieter, you are enough.” He tried to look away from me, but I wouldn’t let him.

“You hear me. You really are enough. Don’t ever tell yourself otherwise. You’re such a selfless person, I know you would never do anything like she did. She was sick. Depression is a very consuming thing if it’s not treated properly. I mean, you’ll never really know what she was dealing with. It could have been more than that, you know? Honestly, you have every right to be angry with her. She hurt you and put you in a really painful situation. Don’t feel bad about that. But you also need to be able to forgive her and understand that what she was going through had nothing to do with you. Otherwise, I don’t think you’ll ever be able to move on. The fact that you’ve finally opened up to someone is amazing though. It’s a good first step and I’m proud of you for doing it. I know how hard it was for you. Thank you for trusting me with this part of yourself.”

Dieter shook his head in agreement, then took a deep stuttering breath. I could smell the thick scent of bourbon as he exhaled. He suddenly looked exhausted. I could tell this had taken a lot out of him. I kissed his forehead and hugged him again. I could feel all the tension leave his body as he melted into me.

I was falling hard for this beautiful, broken man. He was either going to be the best thing that ever happened to me or absolutely crush my soul. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could continue saying we were just friends if there was going to be this much emotion involved. I think he was starting to sense it too. This weekend was changing things between us in so many ways. This goes far beyond “just friends” and even the newly added “benefits”.

Dieter pulled away and wiped the tears off my face with each of his thumbs, letting his hands cup my face. He studied me, his brows drew down together. He looked as if he was trying to make some sort of decision. He pushed the hair back from my face and kissed me gently. Then he leaned his forehead against mine. “We should probably try to get a couple hours of sleep. I’ve kept you up most of the night.” I gave him a small smile as I agreed.

He stood up, lifting me up from his lap, then sat me on the ground. We went back inside. He closed the terrace doors behind us and pulled the blackout curtains shut. We crawled into bed together. He turned on his side, snuggled his head into the crook of my neck, and tangled his legs in with mine. He threw his arm across me, grabbed my hand that was resting just below my neck, and entwined our fingers there. I hadn’t even realized I was doing the thing with my hand, but he did. He always did and he always knew how to ease my anxiety. Never questioning the cause of it.

He quickly fell into a deep sleep. I laid there for a while just listening to him. He seemed less restless than he had been in recent weeks. I hoped that some of the weight had been lifted as he had shared his pain with me. I would take on all of his pain if I could. I wanted nothing more than to see this man truly happy and unburdened by his past. Eventually I also drifted off to sleep.

We were awakened a few hours later by the phone. Dieter rolled over to answer. Mateo called to let us know that breakfast was ready. He thanked him and hung up the phone. We both groaned and snuggled further into bed, facing each other with arms and legs wrapped around one another.

I could feel his eyes on me, and I slowly opened mine to look at him. There was a slight glow sneaking into the room from the sunlight. Just enough for me to make out the expression on his face. He looked almost giddy or hopeful? He smiled at me and kissed my forehead. He mumbled, “Good morning, mi luz en la oscuridad” into my hair then leaned down for a slow, sensual kiss. Which is not what I was expecting after the early morning events.

“Are you ever gonna tell me what that means?” I asked him with a smirk.

“One day I will. I promise,” he said through a smile as he leaned in for another quick kiss.

He broke away and suddenly got very serious. He raised up above me on his elbow. “Look, I…” he started, then froze for a minute. Trying to find his words. “I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I know that we agreed this whole thing between us is…that we…fuck. I don’t know how to say this.”

I had to admit, a flustered Dieter was pretty damn cute. I hadn’t had the pleasure of really seeing this version of him before. I raised my hand to rub the short hair at the nape of his neck and gave him an encouraging smile.

“I know we both said that we’re not doing the relationship thing, but I can’t deny how I feel anymore. I’ve been breaking all the fucking friend rules for weeks and you haven’t stopped me.”

He paused briefly, clearly working up the courage to continue. He took a deep breath to steady himself.

“So, I’m just gonna say it. I’m in love with you and I can’t help it. I don’t know what you wanna do with that, but if your feelings have changed about things, I’m willing to try to be with you as something more. I want to be with you. There’s something about you that draws me in and puts me at peace and I…” his voice broke a little.

He was actually getting emotional about this. There was none of the cocky jokes or usual confidence behind his words. He took a second to pull himself together.

“Ugh, I can’t believe I’m doing this, but I feel like I have to at least try because living with the what ifs may kill me before anything else does. And I know you have your own shit to work through… I wanna continue to support you through that, like you have me. I want you to know that I’ll never treat you like your ex-husband did. Actually, if I ever see him out in public again, I’ll make him eat his own fucking teeth for what he did to you.” His last statement gave me a good chuckle.

I think my silence began to make him a little uneasy. His newly returned confidence was fading slightly. I sat there for a moment, staring at him intently before I spoke. Trying to decide if this was a good idea. Especially after his emotional display from earlier. Was he really in a place to decide this is what he wanted? Or was this some sort of reaction to help himself feel better in the moment? He did say he had been thinking about it for a while. I also had to consider the things his sister had said to me previously. Could this really work between us? I knew from this point on, it had to be all or nothing because there was no going back, especially after everything that has happened over the last couple of weeks.

Dieter took a deep breath. “You’re kind of breaking my heart here with the silence,” he said as he let out a nervous laugh.

I gave him a big toothy smile as I pulled him down for a very enthusiastic kiss, then spoke against his lips.

“I honestly don’t know how I could say no. You’ve had me hooked since New York if I’m being honest.”

A big smile slowly spread across his face in return.

“I fucking knew it.”

A/N: There you have it folks. We now know what happened to our dear sweet Dieter. From this point on, we are going to start diving deep into some mental health stuff as our couple tries to navigate their relationship. It’s going to get a little dark at times, but there will be a happy ending. Hopefully you will stick with me till the end.

In case you missed the mood board from this week’s teaser, I’ve included it below.

Next Chapter

Tag List: @rhoorl @bitchwitch1981 @readingiskeepingmegoing @runningmom94 @for-a-longlongtime @hisandsnakes @chaoticfestninja @survivingandenduring @partyofone3413 @cakipy-blog @pedrostories @titlee78 @wannab-urs

Let me know in the comments below if you would like to be added to the tag list.

[liesmyth]

Any fiction recommendations? I’ve repeatedly read Locked Tomb, natch. I’d love something similarly brainwork inducing but maybe a touch lighter. Also not fantasy or sci fi…I need something to listen to while I do a ton of chores, and those can be hard (for me) because the unfamiliar proper nouns get confusing. :/

anon!! I'm terrible at reccing anything based on “if you liked TLT” because TLT is like five different genres in a trench coat, but I TRIED (⭐) Here are some brainworm-y recs that aren't sff — where by brainworm-y I mean that they stayed with me for a while after I finished them, but aren't overly confusing. (most of them are books, but available on audio)

Podcasts: a tumblr pal recced me the deviser based on me liking the eldritch elements of tlt; it's short and horror-y, and I really enjoyed it.

I haven't checked out the new TMA yet but I see many TLT peeps who are enjoying it (or S1 of the original The Magnus Archives could be a good entry point if you haven't ever listened to it)

TV: Unfortunately I hardly ever watch live action stuff BUT if you haven't seen either IWTV (the series not the film) or Yellowjackets, I do rec those! There's a lot of overlap between these fans and TLT fandom on my dash. His Dark Materials also goes hard and you might enjoy it (dysfunctional characters! worldbuilding! religious weirdness!) but it has more sff elements than other stuff I've recced. Oddball out of nowhere but The Great is a fun show if you enjoy the meme moments of TLT + people being gleefully horrible + having feelings despite your best intentions

Animanga: Utena (!!!!!) also Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, which occupies a very similar space to TLT in my brain

Books!

✧ I went through my “women unhinged” goodreads shelf and found some books that are avaliable in audio format, and might appeal. These are wildly varied in scope and ngl the criterion was just “at least one person (besides myself) who enjoyed tlt also this book” and the similarities stop there. It's all vibes baby! Still, I tried

my heart is a chainsaw by stephen graham jones (horror, slasher), bunny by mona awad (horror, wildly unhinged), the witching hour by anne rice (horror, gothic)

matrix by lauren groff (historical, lesbian nuns), anything by sarah waters (historical fiction + lesbians), rebecca by daphne du maurier (historical, gothic)

the plot by jean hanff korelitz (litfic, thriller), sadie by courtney summers (thriller, coming of age). anything by gillian flynn (thrillers with terrible women).

✧ I really enjoy Tana French thrillers for the strong sense of place, great prose, and the complete emotional turmoil of her character-centric narratives. If anything sounds up your alley, I enjoyed the witch's elm + dublin murder squad series. They're murder mystery procedural but the messy characters really elevate the novels. Available in audiobook also

✧ American Elsewhere, technically scifi but set in New Mexico. Somehow, cosmic horrors who have taken over a quaint little town and worse! They are enforcing HETERONORMATIVITY upon it! They also have tentacles. The main character rocks

✧ Sundial by Catriona Ward: insane, gripping psychological horror. A mother and her unsettling daughter take a trip to the isolate desert ranch where the main chracter grew up. Surrounded by unsettling science experiments

✧ A Touch of Jen by Beth Morgan: when the parasocial relationship is so strong, it accidentally summons a hellmonster from another dimension

✧ SFF adjacent, sorry, but set in the real world (historical, tho) — Cuckoo Song by Frances Hardinge, a middle grade novel with fairytale elements that gave me more brainworms than any kids book ought to, mostly because I LOVED the main character. She occupies a very similar place in my brain as Gideon does. This is actually the only book on the list that I'm not sure is available in audio format, but if you get a chance and it's up your alley, I'd check it out

I hope there's at least ONE thing you'll like in here! lmk (also. lmk if you don't have access to a way to borrow audiobooks but would like to)

[lau219]

Red Carpet

Part 6

Previous part here

…………………………………………………………………………….

By the time they were in the car and headed to Cillian’s interviews later the following week, Lauren and Maeve were already new best friends. Cillian watched with a smile as they sat huddled together in the seat across from him, laughing over photos Maeve had taken on her phone of every little thing that she’d found interesting, surprising, or disgusting since leaving Ireland.

“This man on my connecting flight literally had a can of this stuff in his carry-on, and as soon as he heard my accent, he offered me some.” Maeve showed Lauren a selfie she had taken with the man seated next to her on the airplane, Maeve smiling and holding up a can of spray cheese.

“Oh my God, that’s hilarious!” Lauren laughed. “I wish I could say I’m surprised he was carrying it with him, but I’m not a liar. We’re big fans of the artificially flavored consumables over here.”

Maeve laughed and set her phone aside before continuing.

“He then proceeded to ask me if I collected four-leaf clovers, and also if I’d ever seen a leprechaun.”

Lauren placed her hand on her heart, still smiling.

“On behalf of Americans everywhere, I apologize,” she said.

“Don’t listen to her, Maeve,” Cillian spoke up. “A couple of weeks ago, she asked me if Guinness taps came installed in all of our homes.”

“I did not!” Lauren looked at him with wide eyes and a big smile.

“Right,” he teased her with a wink. When she responded by sticking her tongue out at him, he had to squelch the sudden urge he got to lean across the way and pull her onto his lap.

As she turned back to Maeve, Lauren couldn’t help but think, yet again, how strange this entire situation was. A few months ago, she would never have believed that she’d now be in the company of Cillian, the man she had hated, and actually be enjoying herself. Well, maybe she hadn’t ever really hated him, she thought to herself. He’d just always gotten under her skin. And while he still would egg her on now, she found herself enjoying his teasing in the recent months, as well as his company. In fact, she wanted it. And his warmth towards Maeve confirmed this other side to him she’d slowly been discovering. Lauren got a slight shiver of thrill when she saw the way he was currently looking at her.

Soon after, they were getting out of the car and heading into the hotel where Lauren had arranged Cillian’s interviews. She led them to the ballroom where everything had been set up, and after setting her bag down on a nearby table, she showed Maeve to a small area over to the back of the room where there was a comfortable sofa and a coffee table with magazines and a caterer’s tray of food.

“Just make yourself comfortable,” Lauren said to Maeve as she made to head back towards the front of the room. “I’ve got to go and talk to a couple of people, but then I’ll be back.”

After Maeve assured them that she would be just fine, Lauren looked to Cillian.

“Come on, let’s go,” she said to him.

The photographer was a guy that both of them had met a few times before, and Cillian noticed the way he was discreetly checking Lauren out as she walked around the room. Although Lauren was oblivious, Cillian felt just about ready to wring the guy’s neck by the time they’d finished going over all the details. But soon after, he’d walked off to finish setting up for the photos, and Lauren distracted Cillian by shoving a garment bag into his arms.

“Here,” she said to him. “Bathroom’s over there for you to change.”

“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?” he teased, gesturing to his plain gray T-shirt. Lauren just rolled her eyes before walking away to go speak with the first interviewer.

She had her back to the bathroom when Cillian walked out a few minutes later. She heard the photographer say something to him, which caught her attention and made her turn around. When she did, her heart skipped a beat.

He looked so sexy that Lauren nearly dropped the bottle of water she was holding. The outfit was a striped T-shirt under a dark jacket, with black pants and distressed suede shoes. The whole look was so effortless on him, and she swallowed when their eyes met as he ran a hand through his hair. Cillian quickly ended his exchange with the photographer and walked over to where Lauren stood with the interviewer.

“Good enough for you?” he said to her, noting the blush on her cheeks.

“Um, yeah...definitely,” Lauren replied quietly. They looked at each other for just a moment before Maeve shouted from across the room.

“You still look like an eejit to me!” she called with a wide grin.

Lauren laughed as Cillian shot Maeve a glare. The interviewer then looked at them both and gestured for them to head over to a set of chairs where they’d be sitting.

“Whenever you’re ready,” he said to Cillian.

Lauren had stepped ahead of Cillian to set her water bottle down on the nearby table, and when she turned back, she frowned for a second before gesturing to him.

“Come ‘ere,” she said as she headed toward him.

He took a few steps to meet her, and when he got near, she grabbed the sides of his jacket and pulled him closer to her. Cillian’s pulse quickened as she pushed his jacket open and grabbed his T-shirt.

“This should be untucked; it looks better that way,” Lauren said as she grasped the material.

She tried to ignore the nearly debilitating wave of desire that ran through her as she slipped her hand down his front waistband enough to grab the fabric and pull it up. Unbeknownst to her, Cillian’s cock twitched, and he was willing himself not to get a full-blown erection as he felt her hands on him and the heat radiating from her. He could smell her perfume as she bowed her head to fix his shirt, and when she looked up, their eyes met again.

“Just couldn’t resist touching me, huh?” he teased her, but his voice was low and his accent thicker than usual.

Lauren blushed again and waited for his signature pet name for her to come at the end of his sentence, but surprisingly, it didn’t. In fact, it’d been quite a while since he’d called her that. When she looked up at him, it took every ounce of strength in her not to reach up and brush away the pieces of his hair that had fallen across his forehead.

“Just doing my job,” she whispered.

“Mm-hmm.”

As she let go of his shirt, Maeve’s voice came from across the room again.

“Hey, Lauren, what’s the Wi-Fi password in here?”

Lauren looked over Cillian’s shoulder to her.

“Just a sec,” she answered. Then she looked back to Cillian, jerking her thumb over towards the interviewer. “Try not to be yourself,” she said to him, the ghost of a smile on her face. Cillian smirked and shook his head at her before heading to his chair.

The first interview came and went, and then the second. All the while, Cillian couldn’t help himself from occasionally glancing over at Lauren. She was bouncing between entertaining Maeve, reviewing papers with each of the interviewers, and watching him, her arms folded as she listened to his responses to questions. He tried to think of anything except how he’d like to have her up against him again, but he wasn’t very successful.

Lauren found herself smiling an awful lot as she watched Cillian during his interviews. For as much as he disliked doing them, he was so darn charming that no one was the wiser. She could see why everyone he worked with always liked him so much.

After they were finished, Lauren had to step out to make some phone calls while the photographer did his work. However, once they were done, Cillian came back out from the bathroom, wearing his original clothes again, to find she’d returned. The photographer was talking to her and standing much closer to her than Cillian liked, the two of them laughing with big smiles. He instantly felt his blood boil, and when the photographer put his hand in the small of Lauren’s back as he handed her his business card, Cillian took double strides across the room to get to them.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, love,” Cillian said as he slipped an arm around Lauren’s waist and kissed her cheek. He pulled her against him possessively and looked at the photographer, his expression ominous.

“Are we done here?” he said to him, although it wasn’t really a question. “We’ve got dinner plans.”

Stunned at his behavior, Lauren just stared at Cillian, her mouth slightly open. The photographer looked confusedly between the two of them.

“Oh, you two are...I didn’t...uh...yeah...ok.” He was clearly caught off guard, and he looked between the two of them again for a moment before he spoke to Lauren.

“I’ll send you the proofs in a couple days. Feel free to text me before then if you need to.”

“She won’t need to,” Cillian said matter-of-factly, speaking for her. “Take care.” He then made it clear that the conversation was over by taking the business card from Lauren’s hand and holding it back out to him. The photographer gave Lauren one more uncertain glance before taking back his card and walking away.

Still stunned, Lauren just stood there for a moment, Cillian’s arm still around her, before she slowly looked at him. When he said nothing, she pulled away from him to look him straight in the eye.

“What the hell was that?” she said to him in a loud whisper, her face flushed and full of confusion.

“You’re welcome,” was Cillian’s response.

“What?” she replied.

“I know that guy, and he’s a complete prick. I just did you a favor.”

“No he’s not; he’s always been very nice to me.”

“Oh yeah? And why do you think that is? He’s been eye fucking you the entire time we’ve been here.”

Lauren was shocked at Cillian’s sudden brashness. It was a drastic shift from the mood he’d been in just a little while before. She tried to read the look on his face. Was he jealous?

“No he hasn’t,” she said. Then, wondering where this was really coming from, she spoke again. “And even if he was, what do you care?”

His blood boiling again, Cillian glared at her.

“What you do on your own time is your business, but Sharon didn’t give you this job just so you could flirt with every prick we encounter.”

Lauren’s eyes went wide.

“Excuse me?!”

Cillian knew that he’d gone too far, but he was too caught up in it to stop now.

“You’re supposed to behave professionally,” he said.

Lauren scoffed, her expression one of disbelief. She still was having trouble processing that things had suddenly taken such a 180 between them.

“If that’s what you really think of me, then there’s no point in even continuing this conversation,” Lauren said to him. She bent down to pick up her bag that was resting by her feet, then rose and put it over her shoulder. She looked at him again, her tone once again neutral.

“I’ll go get Maeve. We’ll meet you at the car.”

Then she turned around and walked away.

Part 7

@fuseburner @nyxxie-pooh @neonpurplestars89-blog @hannibellector

[blaithnne]

I was looking at some Hilda stuff and saw some maps of trolberg/tofoten/the wilderness (huldrawood???) and I was reminded of I think what was one of your notes on Plenism where you were taking about naming stuff and I was very curious on where you'd place the places you came up with in reference to this stuff. (Also Plenism is so good).

OKAY first of all thank u sm i’m glad ur enjoying Plenism! Second of all oh boy anon you have just opened the BIGGEST can of worms, prepare yourself, i’m about to get real neurodivergent 

So one of the things that has always confused and slightly annoyed me in Hilda is the inconsistent scale of it all. Trolberg, for example, is described as being this massive sprawling city, so far out and separate from the wilderness that it’s a completely new world for Hilda, and has it’s own unique holidays and celebrations. 

But, if you look at a map of Trolberg it really doesn’t look that big, and the more ou learn about it the smaller it seems?? In the show, driving from Trolberg to the wilderness seems to take no time at all, and like the second you leave the wall it’s immediately greenery and wilderness lol. The city itself is crawling with nature! And it only gets more confusing when you read tie-in material, especially Hilda’s World. 

The maps in this book are beautifully illustrated and contain almost all of the important locations seen in the show, but they make Trolberg seem tiny! And, according to this book, Trolberg has only one school, and one sparrow scout troop. Now I live in the absolute middle of nowhere, tiny island 4 hours away from the mainland. I went to school in a little town on the mainland, so small it was like barely a town, and it had 4 schools and a college just within the town (i.e. not counting the neighbourin villages and more rural schools), and 4-5 scout troops. This place was TINY, cities have WAY more, but Trolberg apparently only has one of each! Also, according to this book, Tofoten is so close to Trolberg that it’s considered an attraction for Trolberg visitors. What. 

There’s a pretty simple explanation for this - there’s just no point in making more. From a creative perspective, Trolberg doesn’t need multiple schools or sparrow scout troops when the story only requires on each, it would be pointless! And when it comes to tie in bokos like Hilda’s World, 90% of people don’t actually want an extensive guide to the innerworkings of a fictional town, they just wanna see the places they got to know in the show. Same logic applies to the distance between Trolberg and The Wilderness, no one wants to watch Johanna and Hilda driving for 5 hours lmao, it’s just easier to skip that and make the journey seem shorter. Having locations be nearer eachother makes it easier for characters to quickly move around. 

But. I’m deranged. I NEED detailed world building I REQUIRE detailed descriptions of how this place works I NEED to understand these character’s lives and what their day to day is like, sooo for Plenism and my general Laurenverse I have taken some creative liberties. I haven’t gotten rid of anything from the show, just sort of went “Yes, and—”

First things first I don’t consider Hilda’s World canon lol. In the sense that I don’t consider it to be the in universe guide to Trolberg and beyond it presents itself as, it’s just a fun lil silly book with gorgeous artwork !! I’ve kinda ragged on this book a bit but, i genuinely do love it it’s so pretty.

SO, I’ve upped the scale of Trolberg quite considerably. Hilda’s school is just one of many (Glasgow, the biggest city in Scotland, at a glance seems to have over 100 primary schools, so yeah), as is her Sparrow Scout Troop. It’s big enough that Hilda hasn’t even come close to seeing the whole city, and the area she and her family move into is pretty much brand new to Johanna and Lauren, who previously lived in a totally different side of the city. 

Hilda’s old cabin, which I’ll call “Folke Cottage”, is approximately a 4-5 hour drive from Trolberg. This is to help drive home the isolation the lil family has living out in the wilderness. 

Speaking of The Wilderness, I gave it a name - Frihäf! In the context of the show, the wilderness doesn’t really need a name (despite how frustrating it can be sometimes when key characters remain nameless for entire seasons, or in some cases the entire show, i actually like the element of realism the show creates by leaving certain characters unnamed. People don’t always ask eachother their names lol, especially kids! Idk i think its neat), but for Plenism I felt it needed one. Frihäf isn’t really a specific place, it’s just the name for this general wilderness area that the family live in, probably encompassing about a…1 hour to 2 hour radius? I’m bad at geography. 

The next important location, this one unique to Plenism, is Tågstad! This is a little village about an hour away from Folke Cottage, and 3-4 from Trolberg. It has a little post office and shop, where Johanna can obtain essentials, but in order to get a lot of supplies, they have to go shopping in Trolberg. So, to avoid having to take baby Hilda into Trolberg, Johanna drives Lauren to Tågstad, where she then takes the train into Trolberg, get’s the shopping, and then comes back where Johanna picks her up. From Folke Cottage, Tågstad is the nearest stop on the train to Trolberg, and the little town acts as a “gateway” to many different destinations, such as Toføten, which, from Tågstad, is about 4-5 hours in the opposite direction from Trolberg, I think.

This is all very boring and technical, hence why the actual show didn’t bother with it lol, but I enjoy thinking of these technicalities! Maybe one day I’ll whip up a lil map or something, but even then i’ll prolly run into the same problem the canon maps do where everything seems very small in scale lol.

Oh, btw, Gröttavux is another town name that gets mentioned in The Roundabout, but I don’t have anything about it lol, I just needed another place name or Johanna to say whilst rambling to add in a cheeky wee bit of realism. Umm the only other thing I know about my Trolberg world building so far is that there’s multiple train stations within the city, one of them spits you out nearby some sort of shopping street or market, so that Lauren can easily access it without having to go too deep into the city, effectively restricting her Trolberg exploration to just one street, therefore still maintaining her disconnect from the city, so it’s still a difficult transition come season 1. 

THANK U FOR ASKING THIS and letting me ramble about this shit, makes my brain very happy :). I might expand upon this more in future chapters of Plenism, but it depend! I have to be very careful to avoid dumping exposition on ppl when writing Plenism bc god damnit i would if i could. I’d write a whole chapter thats just johanna talking about the geography of the world. Thank you and goodnight

[satansapostle6]

Kids | Rodrick Heffley

Spotify Playlist Link

Rodrick Heffley becomes obsessed when he finally meets his thirty-five year old band mate, Bill Walter’s, younger sister.

Warnings: Mature themes/language. Sexual content.

“Kids”

“Break Stuff”

It was completely silent in Christy Gomez’s backyard as everyone looked between Rodrick and Matt. Matt’s nose was bleeding, and his hand was catching most of the blood, which was a lot, as everyone at the party slowly began to panic.

“Rodrick!” Bill yelled, horrified.

“I’m gonna fuck you up!” Matt interrupted, shoving his way at Rodrick.

Rodrick didn’t seem fazed at all as he stepped to him, eyes empty and darkening as something snapped in him.

“Yeah, you’re gonna fuck me up?” he spat.

“Yeah, I’m gonna beat your ass!”

“Then shut the fuck up and try it, punk bitch,” Rodrick Heffley snarled, as the guys started to cheer him on.

“Come on, Rodrick!” Ben exclaimed. “Kick his ass!”

Other guys at the small party started to join in on the yelling, although most of them seemed to be on Matt’s side, given his popularity.

“Trust me,” Rodrick glared in his direction, “I am.”

“Sure, Heffley,” Matt scoffed as he sloppily wiped blood off on his sleeve. “I bet your fucking slut girlfriend’s a better fighter than you.”

“Don’t fucking talk about my sister like that, you little bitch!” Bill threatened as he and Sara both glared at him with animosity.

Jack and some of Matt’s friends began to close in on Rodrick and his friends, slowly becoming more and more threatening. It was clear a huge fight was more likely than not about to break out. Lauren was livid, supporting Rodrick’s desire to fight seemingly everyone at the party.

“Rodrick, can we go home now?!” Rowley’s crying cut in.

“Guys, go wait outside, please!” Lauren shouted, eyes still locked on Matt.

Sara reached behind her for the nearly empty bottle she’d abandoned before, sensing that things might get out of hand.

“We wanna go home!” Greg pleaded.

“Come on, Heffley,” Matt laughed in amusement, “Go take your pussy little brother home.”

“Don’t fucking talk about my brother,” Rodrick hissed, shoving him, head, as everyone excitedly made room for them. “Or Sara.”

“Why?” Matt challenged. “Are you gonna go home and cry because your girlfriend’s fucked half of the losers at school?”

Sara’s eyes widened as Rodrick threw a hard punch, knocking Matt back as the other guys lunged at him. It took a second for everything to register before she realized Bill, Chris, and Ben had all jumped in after Rodrick. She realized she was fairly turned on watching Rodrick tower over one of the guys on the football team as he bashed his face in.

Sara looked to the girls, trying to decide what to do next. Lauren was ready to go on the offensive, fists clenched tight as she turned to look at Christy and Jenna, who were now more aligned with Matt and the others.

“Sara,” Lauren breathed, eyes trained on the other girls, “What do you wanna do?”

Sara could tell from the look in her best friend’s eyes that, whatever she said, she would go along with, without hesitation.

“I don’t know about that fucking skank, but I just wanna have fun,” Christy muttered to Jenna under her breath.

Sara didn’t miss a beat.

“Do you have a problem with me?” she confronted the girls.

“Nobody was talking to you,” Christy scoffed in disgust.

“Have you ever been punched in the face?” Lauren Do snapped to her best friend’s defense, her box-dyed red hair and giant hoops starting to make sense.

“You’re about to,” Christy nodded, ready to fight.

Lauren hit back as Christy charged at her. Just then, another loud scream cut through the air with the sharpness of a guillotine as Sara swung twice, breaking in half the glass bottle in her hand with the first, and slashing at Christy with the makeshift weapon on the second. Once again, there was even more screaming and blood.

Genuine terror seemed to break out as Sara just stood there, chest rising and falling with each steady breath, as she looked at Christy, whose chest had been lightly but sufficiently gashed by the broken glass. But before she had even fully processed, Sara’s attention was quickly redirected to Rodrick and the boys: it was ugly.

Ben was nowhere to be seen, lost in the hectic crowd of people. Bill had gotten jumped by five different guys, and Rodrick and Chris were dragging guys off of him. It truly was a mess. Sara and Lauren both looked at each other, knowing they were now officially in over their heads.

“Rodrick!” Rowley wailed, genuinely sounding like a kid. “I don’t like this!”

Greg nervously pulled Rowley and himself even further away from everyone else, starting to actually worry about the violent scene. They both watched in fear as Sara and Lauren both came to Bill’s defense. Even Greg started to cry a little out of sheer concern for everyone’s wellbeing as he saw two broken bottles thrashing about in the air.

Sara was completely driven by adrenaline, hardly taking any time to breathe as she fought to help her brother. The kids could hear Bill crying out in pain as he was still getting stomped out by four grown men. Sara cut and slashed with the broken bottle, forgetting herself completely before she was pulled off at the waist by Rodrick.

*****

Sara, Rodrick, Lauren, and the guys and the kids were all gone before the cops could be called. What happened at the party would ultimately remain a secret that everyone knew. Bill drove Sara, Rodrick, Greg, and Rowley home to the Heffley residence, while Lauren gave rides to Chris and Ben. Everyone was silent the first few minutes before getting in Bill’s car.

Rodrick had a black eye he wasn’t sure how he was going to explain. Bill was bruised and bleeding in many different places. Greg and Rowley were both shaken, and might as well have pissed their pants.

“Tonight never happened,” Rodrick said after a while, “Understood?”

Everyone had the same response.

“Yeah.”

Sara worriedly looked to Rodrick in the front seat next to Bill. He just looked at her sympathetically, a sad smile on his face as he responded with a silent ‘you’re welcome’.

-

“Black Hole Sun”

[oh-nostalgiaa]

if you like the manips created by the talented and very missed runakvaed, please check out manips made by the also talented @thereigning-lorelai! i don't know that i have them all, but here' s a list of what i do have.

wedding

everything's meant to be broken

i'll find you in the morning sun

rebelcaptain + the original trio on a mission

narcos au kinda

a whole life waiting

getting ready for bed closeness

kiss kiss

period au

a little spicy if you know what i mean

coffeeshop au

the best dancer you could possibly be

(what it means) a fortunate accident

canon kinda kiss

(what it means) a fortunate accident kiss

oh my god they were roommates

amsterdam instagram - food travel show au

date au kind thing

after date kiss

kissy kissy

so much closer

sleepy cuddles

happy beach time

figure skating au

cuddles under the sheets

idk this one's kinda sad

wedding

sharing a bed

to boldly go where no man has gone before

penelope au

undercover spies au

travel au?

dirty dancing

some more spice

it's a surprise

[venus-haze]

Is a Dream a Lie If It Don’t Come True (Yandere!Austin!Elvis x Reader)

Summary: Your new job at the Memphis Evening Observer is the breakthrough you’ve been looking for after years of dead-end jobs. You strike up a friendship with Elvis, a handsome and charming man you meet at a nearby park during your lunch breaks. As you work more closely with the paper’s crime reporters, your eyes are opened to the dangerous aspects of Memphis you’d been blissfully unaware of. Good thing Elvis is looking out for you, right?

Note: Based on an anonymous request for a non-famous Yandere!Elvis AU. The reader is gender neutral, and no descriptors are used. I made up a name for the newspaper you work for, and I based the crime reporters on Lauren Bacall and Humphrey Bogart. The title of this fic comes from one of my absolute favorite Bruce Springsteen songs, The River. Elvis is more of a “soft” yandere in this.

Word count: 4.7k

Warnings: This is a yandere fic, so expect dark themes such as obsessive behavior, emotional manipulation, and stalking, which some people may find disturbing or triggering. Mentions of sexual content that involves coercion but nothing explicit. Descriptions of violent crime, fighting, and feelings of anxiety and paranoia/being unsafe. Age gap (Elvis is in his late 30s, reader is in their 20s).

You woke up unreasonably early on the first morning of your new job, but you supposed it was better than waking up unreasonably late. Your first real office job, no longer in the throes of retail chaos was something you were undoubtedly excited for, yet your excitement quickly turned to anxiety as eight in the morning grew closer. Thanks to the typing skills you tirelessly practiced in your free time, you landed a job at a local newspaper, exaggerating your experience with the industry just a bit. You wouldn’t be a reporter, but in more of an administrative role, typing up whatever was asked and getting paid almost double what you used to make.

The first hour or so at the paper consisted of a whirlwind of introductions, and you knew you’d have to ask everyone for their names again at some point. Your new coworkers seemed friendly enough, even Hugh and Lara, the crime reporters, a husband and wife duo who spent the morning drinking black coffee while mumbling to each other about the weekend police reports. You sat in on the weekly staff meeting, trying to focus on what the editor-in-chief was saying and also what a fellow typist was whispering to you about the different people who spoke and topics that were discussed as the meeting proceeded. By the time you were on your lunch break, you felt like your brain was going to melt.

You’d prepared lunch at home, your brown paper bag in hand as you crossed the street to the park. The weather was comfortable as you walked around a bit, looking for a good place to sit. It was busy for a weekday, mostly retirees sitting around and other people from nearby businesses who had the same idea you did, enjoying lunch outside. You found an empty bench with a perfect view of the pond and made yourself comfortable as you watched the ducks swim around while you ate.

The autumn breeze felt nice as it blew by, calming your nerves a bit. You knew part of you felt overwhelmed by how different your new job was compared to your past ones, and you were afraid the editor-in-chief would know you were under-qualified and fire you right back to retail hell. You took a sip of the drink you had with you, trying to shake the negative thoughts from your mind. 

You spent the next ten minutes or so people-watching, but no one seemed to be doing anything interesting. Silently, you cursed yourself for not at least bringing a book with you to pass the rest of your lunch break. Just as you were going to gather your stuff and go window-shopping to kill time, you were interrupted when a man approached.

“Mind if I join you?” the handsome man asked, holding a to-go bag from a nearby sandwich shop. “I usually sit here, but I don’t mind the company if you don’t.”

You shook your head, scooting over for him. “There’s plenty of room. I’m Y/N.”

“Elvis, nice to meet ya,” he smiled. “You work around here?”

“I work in that building, over there,” you said, pointing to one of the skyscrapers behind you. “Seventh floor, for the Memphis Evening Observer. I’m not a reporter though.”

“You wanna be?” he asked.

You thought back to the crime reporters you met that morning and shook your head. “No way. I’m happy being a typist. How about you?”

He pointed to a building adjacent to yours. “Sixth floor, accounting.”

“You like it?”

He shrugged. “It pays the bills.”

As the next few weeks went by, you found yourself eating lunch with Elvis almost everyday. He was kind and well-read, yet you found yourself preoccupied with how incredibly attractive he was. He had to be at least ten years older than you, but since you didn’t notice a ring on his finger, you figured there was no harm in subtly flirting with him, especially since he’d flirt back. You wondered if because of your age, he didn’t take your dropping hints that you were interested in him seriously–or maybe he was married and just allowed himself to indulge in the slightest bit of emotional infidelity.

When you had commented that he seemed familiar, as if you’d seen him before, he mentioned that a little over ten years earlier, he had a burgeoning music career and seemed almost embarrassed when your eyes lit up in recognition. He didn’t go into detail about his short-lived music career, but you knew there were a decent amount of teeny boppers who found mild success during your teenage years only for you to never hear about them again except in commercials for various household products.

It was obvious he loved music, but there was a sadness in his eyes when he’d speak about it, a longing for something that was lost, or never came to be in the first place. In another universe, you could see him being a star. Though you never pried, you did want to know what happened—did his music stop charting? Was there a scandal? 

“It’s never too late to try again,” you said. “Some bars have open mics on weekends. I’d go with you, even.”

Elvis smiled. “I’ll think about it.”

When you got to your apartment that evening, you looked through your 45s, hoping to see one of his singles among your collection. You weren’t surprised when you didn’t have any, but disappointed nonetheless. That weekend when you went out with your friends, though, one of his songs was on the jukebox. As ‘Trouble’ played throughout the bar a few minutes later, you were brought back to listening to the song in your youth.

“Wasn’t this in a movie?” one of your friends asked. “I swear the guy who sings this was in a movie.”

Another friend shrugged. “Probably something from forever ago. Why’d you even put this on, Y/N?”

“Just wanted to hear it, I guess,” you said, now determined to get Elvis to go to one of the open mic nights. 

As luck would have it, the very bar you and your friends were spending your Saturday night in did have open mic on Thursdays after seven. When you informed Elvis of this on Monday afternoon, he let you know he’d think about it. You didn’t want to pressure him, but it was clear that music was his passion, and he wasn’t entirely happy with how his life had turned out. 

In the meantime, you found yourself feeling unsure about your own choice of profession. You’d never been scared of being in Memphis before, living in the city for years with no issues. You didn’t have the best relationship with your family, and had essentially been on your own since you were sixteen, though you couldn’t remember exactly what made you settle down in Memphis in the first place. Still, it seemed like you were the one increasingly tasked with typing for the small crime team, and some days, the stories would send a cold chill across your body. 

Despite your deep-rooted horror at the subject matter, you found yourself hanging around Hugh and Lara’s desks, listening in on their conversations about the latest robbery or murder. Perhaps you’d been living in naivety for longer than you should have, as you started looking over your shoulder more, suspicious of even casual day-to-day interactions. 

“You think that has any significance?” Hugh asked.

Lara raised a bemused eyebrow, “The fact that it was six feet away or the fact that her head was detached from her body in the first place?”

Hugh shrugged. “Either. Both.”

“New kid, whattya think?” Lara asked, startling you as she caught you eavesdropping. She still called you ‘new kid’ even though you’d been at the paper for months. 

You walked over to their desks, standing next to Lara to get a look at what you assumed would be a police report.

“Oh my god,” you gasped, quickly turning your head away from the photo on Hugh’s desk. “Why didn’t you tell me you had a photo of it?”

“Well, what do you think?”

“It’s grotesque. I don’t understand how anyone could do that to another person,” you said. “I think whoever did that probably knew the victim and was really angry at them or something. Going through that much effort seems so…personal.”

“So it’d be a crime of passion or a fed up stalker,” Hugh said.

Lara slapped the top of her desk. “That’s what I was saying.”

“You’re right, you happy?” Hugh conceded.

“He’s disappointed there isn’t a pattern.”

You furrowed your eyebrows. “What, like one of those killers—what do they call them?”

“Serial killers,” Lara answered. “I don’t know why he wants one here so bad. I barely get enough sleep as it is.”

“I don’t want one here, but it’d be a hell of a story. Could maybe even get a book deal out of it,” Hugh said.

You’d zoned out from Hugh’s rambling, somehow your gaze fell on the photo again. It was grainy, black and white, but the longer you stared at it, you swore it was your face on the decapitated head. Had you been so blind to the dangers of Memphis this whole time? You weren’t stupid, you knew cities were prone to higher crime rates, it just came with having a lot of people living in such close proximity to one another. Before working for the paper, though, it had all been in your peripheral. Being face-to-face with statistics, reports, and photos made you wonder how Hugh and Lara hadn’t gone crazy.

“Shit,” Lara said, noticing your dazed expression. “Y/N, c’mon, let’s get you a cup coffee or something.”

Just as the two of you started to make your way across the office to the breakroom, you noticed Elvis standing near the receptionist’s desk, an umbrella in his hand. His face lit up when he saw you, and you did the same. 

“This the guy who makes you practically skip off to lunch every day?” Lara asked, with a hint of amusement in her voice. 

You felt your face heat up at her observation as you approached Elvis. 

“Hey, what’re you doing here?” you asked.

“Weather’s not great today,” he said, lifting up his wet umbrella, “but I was wonderin’ if I could take you out to lunch? If you’re not too busy.”

Lara gave you a small smile as she nudged you with her elbow. “Go take an early lunch. I’ll cover for you.”

“Thanks,” you said as she walked back to her desk. “Let me just get my things.”

It was a short walk to the sandwich shop that Elvis would regularly buy lunch from. If he didn’t bring something from home, he would have one of their to-go bags with him. As he was a regular customer, a man behind the counter greeted him, though he seemed surprised that Elvis was dining in and with someone. 

The two of you were handed menus, and while he didn’t so much as pick up his, you took a moment to decide your order. Service was quick, since you’d come in just before lunch rush. While you were normally pretty hungry this time of day, you found yourself picking at your food and letting Elvis lead the conversation.

“You alright, Y/N? You’ve been awful quiet today,” Elvis asked.

You swallowed the lump in your throat that had been there since your conversation with Lara and Hugh earlier. “I swear I’ve never been afraid of living in Memphis, for as long as I’ve been here, but now, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m not safe.”

“Livin’ by yourself ain’t safe, that’s for sure.”

You sighed, picking at your food. “I don’t know. I always thought I was fine on my own, but–”

“You don’t have to be on your own anymore, Y/N. I’m here,” he said, his voice sincere as he reached across the table and held your trembling hand in his. “I’ll look after you.”

“Thanks, Elvis. That makes me feel a lot better, really,” you said, giving him a small smile.

He let go of your hand after a moment and said, “I don’t know if this’ll help any, but I thought about that open mic thing tomorrow, and I think I’m gonna do it.”

“Seriously?” 

“What’ve I got to lose?” he said. “I can pick you up from work, and we can go together, if you want.”

“I’d love that! You have no idea how excited I am.”

Having lunch with Elvis made you feel a lot better by the time you got back to the office. He was so easy to talk to, and you had to admit your crush on him blossomed more when he said he was there for you. Maybe a bit of liquid courage at the open mic night would be just what the both of you needed, and if you had misread everything, at least you’d have a fallback.

When you got to your desk, Hugh walked over and apologized for not warning you about the photo, explaining that it was just part of the job for he and Lara. They were so used to it that he’d forgotten it would affect you so much. You appreciated his apology, but it still left you somewhat rattled that people could even become desensitized to such violence. It made sense, though, they saw it so often in their line of work, that it was almost normal to them.

You didn’t sleep well that night, waking up every few hours, every sudden noise making your heart beat out of your chest. At one point, you could swear you saw someone’s face in your bedroom window, but when you turned the light on, there was no one there. Still, you closed the blinds and pulled the curtains shut. 

When your alarm clock screamed at you in the morning, you jolted awake, finding yourself in a cold sweat. As soon as you stood up, you could feel the exhaustion through your body, and considered calling out of work. You decided to push through your morning routine with a hot shower and hotter coffee, not wanting to let Elvis down by not being there for him that evening.

You’d taken the bus to work instead of driving, since Elvis would be picking you up afterward. The day flew by, and all you could focus on during lunch with Elvis was prying information about what he planned to do for the open mic, but to your disappointment, he insisted that he wanted it to be a surprise. 

The rest of the day at work was spent helping Lara on a low-stakes story about how there’d been reports across the city of someone stealing gasoline from people’s cars. You were grateful for the change of pace, but were still restless until five, when you grabbed your things and headed downstairs to wait in front of the building for Elvis. You realized you had no idea what kind of car he drove, but luckily he had the windows rolled down, so you could see inside as you quickly got in so as to not hold up traffic.

“Nice car,” you commented as he drove up the street.

“She does alright. You know, I used to have a pink Cadillac,” he said.

“No way.”

“Sure did. Bought it for my mama; she couldn’t drive, though, and it started gettin’ old and rusted. I loved that car.”

Unsure of how to respond, you placed your hand on his arm in an attempt to comfort him. He looked at your hand, then at you, and smiled. 

There was still time before the open mic at the bar started, so he drove to one of his favorite restaurants for dinner. It was a cozy place, and the comfort food seemed to calm his nerves. He explained that while he loved music and still sang and played guitar on his own time, he hadn’t performed in front of people in years. 

When you arrived at the bar, there was a decent amount of people for a weeknight, and someone was already on stage singing. Elvis looked a bit nervous as he held his guitar in one hand, his other arm around your waist. You suggested getting a drink first, which he didn’t hesitate to agree to. His eyes darted around the bar, and you noticed his leg bouncing.

“You’ll do great. I know you will,” you assured him.

He huffed out a laugh. “We’ll see.”

A few more people went up to perform, all of them pretty talented in their own right. The bar had filled up even more. You had no idea the open mic nights were so popular. Suddenly, Elvis decided he was ready, and you walked with him to the side of the stage, where the host for the night was standing. 

“Yeah, man, you can go on right after her,” the host said, motioning toward the woman who was presently on stage.

“I know you got this, but do you need anything?” you asked.

Elvis gave you a sly smile. “How ‘bout a kiss for good luck?”

As if he needed luck, but you nodded, thrilled to finally get to kiss him. His lips were soft against yours, and you gently cupped his face with your hand, caressing his cheek with your thumb. He pulled you closer, your chest pressed against his, and you gasped as he gently bit your lower lip. The moment was cut short by the host telling Elvis it was his turn to go on, and you would’ve been annoyed if it wasn’t your chance to see Elvis perform.

“Well, it’s been a while since I’ve done this, and I doubt any of y’all remember me,” Elvis said into the microphone. “But for those of you who ain’t dinosaurs, I’m Elvis Presley—“

There was a faint cheer and some light applause from the throughout the bar, which seemed to make Elvis relax a bit, as he bantered a little with the audience before going into ‘Blue Suede Shoes’ to the delight of the bar patrons. People clapped along to the beat or got up to dance, and you knew you must have looked like a fool sitting next to the stage with a wide smile on your face. 

Elvis’ voice was deeper and stronger than the recording from early in his career that you’d heard just a week before. His stage presence was unbeatable, and you couldn’t help but giggle when he sent a wink your way. Just as quickly as he started singing, the song was over—but his performance wasn’t, if the crowd had anything to say about it. Someone drunkenly shouted “encore!” which led to a chant throughout the bar until Elvis acquiesced with ‘Hound Dog.’

You noticed someone else waiting near the stage for their turn to go up, and you almost felt sorry for them, having to follow up Elvis. The smile that spread across his face at the bar’s overwhelming applause for him was infectious. You didn’t hesitate to run over to him as he walked off of the small stage, throwing your arms around him and kissing his cheek.

“Elvis, you were incredible!” you exclaimed.

“You’re somethin’ else, Y/N. Got me dreamin’ again,” he said, laughter in his voice.

“I hope that’s a good thing.”

He merely smiled in response, as several people had gathered around him to praise his performance and mention that they loved his music and had wondered what happened to him, glad to see him on stage again, even in a little dive like this. You whispered that you’d be waiting for him at the bar while he spoke with the small group of fans. He nodded, giving you a quick kiss before you walked away.

You ordered another two of what you and Elvis had been drinking before, and you couldn’t help but feel proud of him, hoping this would be the first open mic of many that he’d go to. Maybe he would never reach his former level of stardom, but Memphis certainly hadn’t forgotten about him. You were pulled from your thoughts by some intoxicated patron who clearly had no concept of what personal space was.

“Hey, baby,” a man slurred as leaned next to you against the bar. “What’re you drinkin’? I’ll buy you another.

“Thanks, but I’m here with someone,” you said, trying to stay as a calm as possible.

“I don’t see anyone here.”

“He’ll be right back,” you answered quickly.

He rolled his eyes, laughing as if you were joking. “That means I can’t buy you a drink?”

“Please leave me alone. I’m not interested.”

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” the man raged, grabbing your arm.

You tried pulling your arm from him, but panicked when you realized that even drunk, he was much stronger than you. “Let go of me. Let go!”

It felt like you blinked, and the man went head first into the bar. His face slammed against the hardwood, and you wanted to throw up at the sound of his nose definitely breaking upon impact.

You looked to Elvis, who, instead of leaving the man he had just shoved in his misery, grabbed him by his collar and practically dragged him out of the bar. Immobilized by shock and fear, you stayed frozen in place until Elvis stormed back inside a few minutes later, his hands bloody as he slammed a few dollars on the bar and gathered you and his guitar.

“Party’s over,” he said, a darkness in his eyes that sent a shiver down your spine.

“I’m sorry the night got ruined,” you mumbled.

“You ain’t got nothin’ to apologize for. Sons of bitches like that make me sick,” he spat. “I’m bringin’ you home. Shouldn’t be out so late anyway.”

“Can I stay the night with you?” you asked anxiously as you followed him to his car. “I don’t wanna be by myself.”

“‘Course, darlin’,” he said, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

During the drive to his place, your gaze kept drifting to the steering wheel, and how he seemed unfazed by the blood that had dried on his hands. You shifted uncomfortably, unsure of what conversation to make with him, so the drive was silent except for the radio playing softly. 

He pulled into his garage, his house a carbon copy of every other on the block except for the paint. You figured a suburban neighborhood would consist of mostly families, rather than bachelors like him. If he hadn’t kissed you the way he did back at the bar, you’d still be wondering if he were married or not. 

“I’m gonna wash up,” he said, nodding in the direction of what you assumed was the bathroom. “You make yourself at home, baby.”

You poked around his living room while he was washing the blood off of his hands. His bookshelf had a lot of interesting titles that ranged from religious topics to fiction, and you felt a bit of pride seeing some of the books you’d recommended to him among them. The walls had two dozen or so picture frames, each with photos of what appeared to be his family, some of him with other men in army uniforms, and a few of him as a young man during his singing career with various celebrities. None of the photos were recent, however, and you noticed a few frames didn’t have photos in them at all.

When he returned from washing up, he regaled you with the stories behind each of the photos, the two of you staying up until late in the night. Most of the photos had some happy or funny memory associated with them, but there was always a hint of yearning in his voice with the ones from the height of his fame.

“Can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” you said.

He nodded. “Shoot.”

“Why did you stop making music? It seems like your career was going really well, and then you just stopped.”

“It was, but uh—I had a girlfriend who my manager wanted me to stop seein’, her name was Dixie. I kept seein’ her anyway in secret. After I made my fourth movie, I got her pregnant, so I took a break from singin’ for a little while so we could get married,” he explained. “I got drafted not long after that. My mama died, and my break from music just got longer and longer. I still sang at our church, but after me and Dixie split up, they said they didn’t want a divorced man singin’ in the choir.”

“Oh my god, Elvis, I’m so sorry,” you said, moving to console him. You gasped when you accidentally put too much pressure on your arm, still tender from where you’d been manhandled. Elvis’ expression darkened as he looked at the faint bruises blossoming on your skin.

“I shoulda killed ‘im,” he growled.

You’d never been afraid of Elvis before, but you could tell he meant it. “It’s nothing. He just grabbed my arm—“

“What if I hadn’t been there? No one else was jumpin’ up to help you, were they?” 

“No,” you answered quietly.

“No,” he repeated. “When I said I was gonna look out for you, I meant it, Y/N. You got no one else.”

“My friends—“

“Your little friends can’t look after you, not the way a man can. You need a man to take care of you, don’t ya baby?” he said, the double-meaning of his words not lost on you as you looked at him wide-eyed.

You nodded, all of the fear and anxiety you’d felt the past few weeks coming back to you. “Yeah, I guess I do.”

He exhaled, as if ready to argue if you disagreed. “Good, I’m glad you see I just want what’s best for you.”

It made sense, Elvis had so much more life experience than you, being older and having such a whirlwind career, even if it was short lived. Meanwhile, your naivety led to you essentially being traumatized at work, so green to the dangers of city life despite considering yourself capable and independent before. When you commented how late it was, that you still had to work in just a few hours, Elvis offered the spare bedroom–or his. You felt your face heat up when you timidly told him that you wanted to sleep with him, and he teased you for your embarrassment, assuring you nothing would happen. 

Of course, fifteen minutes into sharing a bed, half-naked with a man you were incredibly attracted to, so much happened, too much. You found yourself almost overwhelmed by his intensity, and though he certainly did take care of you, he did so like a man possessed, as if he were taking what he was owed, entitled to even. You supposed, in your dazed state afterward, it was the least you could do after everything he’d been through and had done for you. You both called out sick from your respective jobs in the morning, and you spent the rest of the weekend at his place. 

Within a month, you’d completely moved into Elvis’ house, subletting your apartment until your lease was up and the new tenant could take it over for you. You felt safer living with Elvis, especially since he’d drive you to and from work, and you’d still have lunch every day with him. It didn’t take much convincing for you to agree to sell your own car. You didn’t go anywhere by yourself anymore, you didn’t want to. When you’d brought it up the first few weeks of living with him, he’d remind you of the dangers that await you in the world on your own, and you were quick to change your mind. 

You were still a nervous wreck from work, even though the editor-in-chief had agreed to stop having you work with Lara and Hugh so closely—at Elvis’ request, of course. In your free moments, you were practically glued to Elvis’ side, whether at the grocery store or when he’d perform at the occasional open mic night in Memphis. Every time you thought things weren’t so bad, got a little too comfortable on your own, something would happen that’d leave you as terrified as ever, crying in Elvis’ arms as he’d softly scold you for not being with him, reminding you that not everyone was as good of a person as he was, that he was the only person you could really trust. As long as he could do anything about it, it would stay that way.

Taglist: @eliseinmemphis @crash-and-cure @kittenlittle24 @im-lame-irl @loudwombatmugkid @rxsesss @roseymary04 @queendelrey @jovialladyaurora @positivitylane112 @moonknightswif3 @holy-minseok @datsavageavenger @21bruhs @luckyevansstan @djsjs13949 @butlerslut @ash-omalley @powerofelvis @sad-bisexual-bitch @peachy-deaths @kibumslatina @adoreyouusugar @raefoxiegirl @donnamarie23 @ilovehobi101​ @memphis-menace​ @animeketsu-yander​

[airborneice]

gonna just d r o p some extremely rough sketches here bc my sketchbook I’ve had on the go since 2020 is almost filled up and once it is I probably won’t go revisiting any of the sketches in it, so I may as well share some of them here

I’m incapable of shutting up abt my art so ramblings under the cut

1-3 - mattie sketches :) the last ones are recent and the 1st is one of the first drawings I did of her, back in 2021. idk I just think it’s important y’all know she’s been on her tide mouse shenanigans since the beginning

4 - I think I drew this back in last march and meant to move it to digital and clean it up there but things got busy and I never did :( they’re based on @randomwords247’s wonderful mermaid designs bc I love them

5 - unrelated to the last one, but while I was working on one of my little mermaid au drawings I tried to think how I’d approach the sequel if I got that far & ended up w. this. something something mermaids having human familiars being frowned upon

6 - I think. this is a drawing of @blaithnne’s pony!lauren that I never finished oops

7 - forgot I had this!! year before last me and @bubblekidaesthetics were planning to cosplay these two at comic con, and I got super hyped and doodled this. we did do this cosplay and it was awesome <3

8 - slightly more recent design stuff for freyja, still based on hilda-fanblog/rhombus’ design ofc but figuring out if I wanted my take on her to change anything like how many legs she has lol. also some pony!mountain king doodles on the next page

9-10- something something centaur au. somewhere in my notes app is a whole list of hilda chars and horse types/colours bc I started researching them and got so carried away. johanna’s supposed to be a bay and hilda was gonna be a shetland I think…? (the hilda one is a lot more recent and I think it shows lol). rip to dee who had to watch me talk abt this au so much and barely actually draw it

anyway tumblr won’t let me add any more pics which is probably a good thing 🤷‍♀️ I hope literally everyone feels better as an artist for seeing what an absolute mess my drawings start out as 😌 now I gotta buy a new sketchbook

[shelbystales]

Best Aid - Part One

Modern Tommy Shelby x Reader - Masterlist

Summary:you are a young doctor in Birmingham. After a crazy incident, Thomas Shelby shows up at your hospital. You don't know much about the man everyone seems to fear, but you definitely will.

Warning: Swearing, surgery, mention of blood, violence

A/N: i don't know if i will continue this... comment and interact, tell me what you think! it means a looot thank you very much

English is my second language so I apologize in advance for the grammar mistakes.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

It was already mid-morning. You looked at your watch for the tenth time in less than a minute. Your shift seemed to last forever. Which was very strange since it was a full moon night, and it was common for doctors and nurses to joke that on a full moon things got so crazy that a werewolf could easily walk through the door.

"coffee?" Jeremy, one of the nurses on duty with you asked.

"Yes, please! Things are so slow," you complained, and he laughed

"You're the only one who complains about that," he said, handing you the horribly strong coffee

"Jesus, are you trying to kill me?" you asked, giving the coffee back to him while making a face "this is poison, not coffee," he laughed

"The stronger, the better," he said, and you shook your head in disapproval.

"He definitely doesn't know how to make coffee. haven't you learned yet, y/n?" Lauren, a nurse for years at this hospital, spoke, leaning on the counter in front of you.

"yeah, lack of sleep makes you forget stuff," you said

"Go rest. we hold the ends here," she suggested, and you smiled considering her proposal.

You were new to the hospital, new to medicine in general. you had just finished your residency program in London and because of your mother's failing health, you decided to return to Birmingham and help your brothers and sisters to take care of her.

It had been less than two months since you had been accepted as an emergency and surgery doctor. being a rookie, all the night shifts on weekends were yours. at the end of that shift, it will be 36 hours since you haven't entered your house and you would still have to do the day shift before you go.

Looking around you saw how empty the emergency room was. two people arrived earlier, a teenager with an alcoholic coma and a child with rotavirus. two classics.

"Well, I think I'll accept this proposal and I'll take a nap. Call me as soon as someone walks through that door" you said getting up.

"Sure thing," they said.

Jeremy propped his feet up on the counter and grabbed his cell phone to watch something and Lauren rolled her eyes sitting next to him and opening her book.

You've decided to get the patient's parameters before going to bed. Make sure they were stable.

both of them seemed fine, while you wrote down the parameters in your tablet's system the doors to the emergency center opened

"I need some bloody fucking help here!" a man with a mustache and a strong accent yelled.

You left your tablet on an empty bed and ran outside. Jeremy ran after you pushing a stretcher.

Outside you came face to face with a black BMW X3 and inside it, in the back seat, a man was unconscious. You got partially into the car trying to have the best access to analyze the man

"What happened?" you asked one of the two men who were with him.

"Just bloody fix him, alright?" the other man spoke nervously

from the quick analysis, you assumed he had taken a beating, but you didn't know the extent of the damage. on the stethoscope, the lung and heart appeared clean and functioning normally. His heart rate was a little faster than normal, perhaps because of the bleeding

"Hey, can you hear me?" you asked the man in an attempt to get attention, trying to gauge where he was on the Glasglow coma scale.

With your flashlight, you quickly assessed his neurological status and noticed that the pupils were not reactive. He was a 3, with no eye response, no motor response, and no verbal response.

"Okay, let's get him inside and straight to CT," you said getting out of the car and hanging your stethoscope around your neck again. Jeremy moved to put him on the stretcher "the pupils are not responsive. lungs clear. heart beating fast, but it could be due to the bleeding" you were talking to Lauren, who had the tablet in her hand filling out his form "what is your name?" you asked the two men.

"Arthur, this is John," the man who came through the door shouting said "that's our brother Tommy" you nodded.

"I need you to pass your social data to her," you said indicating to Lauren, and walked into the hospital, Jeremy already in front of you.

In CT you saw intense bleeding caused by trauma, causing compression of the third cranial nerve and the upper brain stem. hence the pupils and the loss of consciousness. Now you were worried, the bleeding was extensive and looked bad.

"Ok, we need to act fast. Prep an OR. We don't know how long he's been like this" you said leaving the cabin and going to get ready for surgery.

you are not a neurosurgeon, but intracranial pressure reduction is a simple procedure and necessary until a real evaluation by the neurologist.

The surgery went well. the blood inside the skull was drained, relieving the pressure and you directed him to the ICU, for better follow-up.

After him, cases didn't stop coming in and you didn't stop for a minute.

you looked at the clock on your wrist as you bandaged a man who had been stabbed in the arm, you were glad that it was already eight o'clock and the number of staff was returning to normal so you could take thirty minutes just to lie down and put your legs up.

"We survived another apocalypse," Jeremy said stopping beside you and you smiled

"yeah, lucky us," you said tiredly

"Weeell, good luck in here. I'm going home to my husband!" he said

"thank you, I've never been so jealous of you," you said jokingly and he walked away with a huge smile.

The residents arrived and you gave them the night's cases. you encouraged them to think logically and critically. dividing them into groups so that each one stayed with a patient, studying the case and what could have been done differently while new cases did not emerge.

Few residents were interested in trauma, and they gradually dispersed to other areas throughout the day, but when they arrived they always looked for trauma because it was the only busy place in the hospital.

Two residents stuck with you all day, shadowing you. Their names are Davi and Megan. Both are desperate for knowledge.

"I have a special case for you," you said handing the tablet to them "A beaten man arrives without much information about what happened. What do you do?" you asked, as you walked down the hall

"the Glasgow thing," Davi said and you smiled and nodded

"Score 3 on the Glasgow thing," you said imitating him

"Shit... hm" he stopped thoughtfully "how long was he unconscious?"

"Don't know, he arrived unconscious" you replied "his brothers did not give much information"

"CT scan or X-ray" Megan added and he nodded supporting her answer

"Good. You see extensive intracranial bleeding" you said

"Surgery," the two said together and you nodded opening the door in front of you

"Look who's awake," you said smiling.

The blacked out man from the night before was now looking and talking to his brothers who were sitting on the small sofa next to the bed.

"How are you feeling?" You asked, standing at the foot of his bed while Megan and David prowled around him and examined him.

"Well... better than I look" he replied looking strangely at his residents.

"They're just checking your parameters" you explained

"Can I smoke?" he asked

"No you can't. Not here" you replied

"Can he drink?" one of the brothers asked

"John, right?" he nodded "no, he can't" you replied

"You just as good as dead, brother," Arthur said and you frowned.

Megan handed over the tablet to you with all the information. everything was normal.

"Do you have any questions?" you asked your residents

"When can I get out of here?" Thomas asked

"When will he get out?" you asked the two next to you

"Depends on your response to post-surgery," Davi said sounding a little unsure, and you nodded "could be in a day or two, or a week"

"I'll stay a day," he said

"hm, we recomment you follow our order and stay for as long as it’s necessary, but you do have your choices" you exhaled "ok, so... No questions to the patient kids?" they were silent, which you thought was strange, but you continued "did you feel any dizziness, shortness of breath, or sudden tiredness?" he shook his head "nausea?" same response "did you try to stand up?" he denied again "good, don't try yet. pee in the potty" you took the potty and put it on the bed "Need anything you press the button. If you feel anything different, press the button. Okay?" he nodded and you left the room

"Is that really Thomas Shelby?" Davi asked, surprising you

"Who?" you asked confused

"You don't know him?" Megan asked "working-class man, now one of the richest around? been on the media before being suspected of multiple crimes" she said as she was telling you a dirty secret

"Shit. You serious?" you asked and she nodded "well, we have to treat everyone the same. despite, all that... we made a vow, right?" they nodded

"I won't go in there alone," Davi said and you smiled "he scares the shit out of me"

"But he's hot," Megan said and you rolled your eyes

"Why don't you guys go scrub in some surgery, hm? we are done here" you said and they walked away.

Lying on the bed in the staff room, you felt exhausted. 

Picking up your cell phone you did what anyone would do, googled Thomas Shelby. being surprised and intrigued by what you saw.

--/--

After sleeping for a few hours, you went on with your rounds. Lunch was being served and as you passed by Shelby's room you noticed the food was still outside.

"Why is this here?" you asked the nurse passing by

"No one wants to get in there. He's rude," she answered honestly and walked away.

You rolled your eyes and took a deep breath. picking up the platter with the food and walking into the room. He was alone now and his eyes opened when you walked in.

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you," you said

"Wasn't sleeping" he replied

"Good, here is some delicious food for you. Try not to puke" you said putting it in front of him and he smiled

"Looks good," he said "why are you bringing me this? Don't you have nurses for this?"

"We do, but people don't seem to want to get in here. For some reason you scare them" you said, looking at the monitor.

"But not you?" he asked

"Well, I just opened your head. What color was your urine?" you asked and he smiled

"Yellow?" he replied uncomfortably

"Too yellow?" you asked enjoying seeing him cringe

"I guess" he replied

"Was it a lot to urine or a little?"

"Normal...?"

"Poop?"

"No" he replied embarrassed taking the food in front of him

"Am I making you uncomfortable?" you joked and he didn't answer "Good" you smiled "The neurologist was here earlier to test you right?"

"he was" he replied "Am I in trouble?"

"No, all looks good. We acted fast so you won’t have any long lasting symptoms. Maybe you will feel some signs of a light concussion for a few days" you replied "no nausea right?"

"No, I feel good. ready for another one" he said

"Yeah...don't," you said and he smiled

"Hey, can you take me outside for a smoke?" he asked

"You shouldn't smoke, but yes I can. Let me just grab the wheelchair" you said leaving the room.

When you came back he had only eaten the jello and the apple

"Not hungry?" you asked stopping with the chair next to him

"Chicken is disgusting," he said and you smiled

"Okay, let's go?"

He nodded and you helped him up. as he stood up his body softened and he looked like he was going to faint, but he leaned on the bed and with your help he sat down in the chair. You took your flashlight and looked into his eyes, both reacted normally.

"What are you feeling?" you asked crouching in front of him

"The things you’ve been insisting on. Nausea and dizziness" he replied and took a deep breath "fuck" he muttered as he rubbed his face

You got some water and a sickness pill and handed it to him. When he said he was better you pushed him out of the room and into the area outside the hospital.

The hospital had a very pleasant green area for patients and visitors. You sat on a concrete bench in front of him and took a deep breath enjoying the outside air as he lit his cigarette.

"Aren't you supposed to be doing what doctors do?" he asked and you smiled

"Well, my pager has been quiet. I think they're taking it easy on me today since its my fourth shift in a row" you replied "and if you were nicer to the nurses they would have brought you here sooner"

"If I was nicer to people I would be here more often" he replied

"Maybe, maybe not... who knows" you shrugged

"You're new here aren't you?" he asked and you nodded "yeah...last time I was here a hairy man took care of me" you laughed

"Well I don't know any hairy man," you said amused

"yeah... He was fired," he said

"Why?" you asked confused

"He... I don't know" he said as if he had changed his mind mid-sentence.

"You do, you just don't want to tell me," you said and he shook his head "ok..." Your pager beeped and you looked at it "oh no. I have to go" looking around you took the first nurse that passed in front of you "he won't do you any harm, just take him to his room when he's done" you said taking her to him "be nice" you warned him and ran away

--/--

As your final act, you only had to pass the shift to the next doctor, telling him about the new patients and everything that had happened. Once that was done you changed into your normal clothes.

Walking out of the hospital you passed in front of Thomas' room and saw that there was a man inside with him. Looking at your watch, it was almost eight and visiting hours were over.

Opening the door you entered "ey, Visiting hours are over. I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave"

"Who the fuck are you?" the man standing asked rudely

"I'm his doctor," you said not liking the man’s tone

"It's ok, y/n. Just go" Thomas said but you frowned

"The hospital have rules. You can come see him in the morning. If you don't leave now I'll call security," you said and the man laughed

"Don't bother" he said and left the room staring at you as he walked through the door

"Shouldn't have done that" Thomas said

"It's my job. You can't have people here after visiting hours for a reason" you said

"He is not my visitor," he said

"What is he then?" you asked and he looked at the window ignoring your question "fine. just don't do it again" you turned to leave

"Does your house have security?" he asked

"what?" you asked confused looking at him

"That man did this" he pointed at himself "Do your house have security?" he asked and you frowned

"I guess" you replied and he smirked

"You guess?" he asked "My brothers are outside. Ask them to drive you to your home and tell them to check it"

"Is it necessary?" you asked nervously

"Look at me and tell me what you think" he said

"But I did nothing!" you spoke

"Maybe...better safe than sorrow right?" he said and you looked confused at him "just do it"

You left the hospital, deciding to ignore the Shelby request. You did nothing wrong. You had no relation with them. There was no reason for you to be afraid.

To your surprise, Arthur was waiting for you by your car. he smiled as you approached.

"Thomas called," he said, "should we go in our car or yours?"

"How do you know that's my car?" You asked

"It's easy to find out anything about people these days," he said "if you want we can meet you at your house?"

"Do you know where I live?" you asked worried and he nodded "I don't like this. How can I be sure that at the moment I get inside my car you won't kill me?" he laughed

"Listen ey, our brother is worried you will pay for something you had nothing to do with. you just got in the middle of a big dog's fight" he said "he doesn't want you dead, you saved him" you continued in silence, thinking "we will just go there and see if there are cameras and things in your apartment. If you say no we will go anyways... we will only have more trouble getting in"

"Ok," you said feeling without much option "I'll go in my car and you will go in yours"

"Sounds good," he said and walked away

In your apartment building, you let him in. he walked around and broke into the security room

"I'll get evicted after this," you said and he laughed

"No you won't" he replied "Cameras are working," he said after being inside for a few minutes "you should be fine"

"Thanks?" you said "can I ask why? What did I do?"

"Well you saved his life and you told the man who tried to take it that you saved his life... Did you also threaten him with security? how cute" He said

"That doesn't soud so bad" you spoke

"Yeah… but like I said you got in the middle of a big dog fight. Things are heated up right now. Anything can become a motive" he said, and said goodbye to you.

He left and you went up to your apartment, feeling very confused. Could it be the lack of sleep making you hallucinate? before you could take a shower you were sleeping.

[dashboarddiaries]

DASHBOARD DIARIES, EPISODE 1 - Tumblr, the Supernatural Website

In our inaugural episode, we delve into our own Tumblr origin stories and skim the surface of one of Tumblr's longest lasting fandoms: Supernatural. Warning: many, many incorrect things are said about Supernatural in this episode. Proceed at your own risk. And drop questions/comments/corrections about ways Dean Winchester has died in our ask box or email us at dashboarddiariespod@gmail.com!

Find the posts discussed in this episode in this tag!

Credits and transcript under the cut. You can find transcripts for this, and every other episode, here.

Dashboard Diaries is a production of Atypical Artists, hosted by Lauren Shippen and Cherokee McAnelly. Our theme was composed by Lauren Shippen and mixed by Brandon Grugle. Art by Shae McMullin. Transcription (which can be found on our Tumblr) by Laudable.

[intro music]

Lauren: Hello, last of the classically trained tumblr’inas. I’m Lauren Shippen, professional writer, and veteran stucky shipper, who is surrounded by not one, not two, but three artistic renderings of the line, “I’ll be with you until the end of the line.” I like to surround myself in stucky love.

Cherokee: I am Cherokee McAnelly, professional tumblr’er and veteran Twihard, who once brought a team threesome sign to a midnight viewing of Eclipse. And I’ve also re-blogged more than 50,000 posts not all about Twilight, but there’s an influence. 

Lauren: Wow. That’s, that is hefty. 

Cherokee: You know ... Can’t stop. Won’t stop. 

Lauren: And this is Dashboard Diaries, your deep dive guide into the wild, wonderful world of Tumblr. And this is our first episode, Cherokee. 

Cherokee: I’m excited. Are you excited?

Lauren: Me too. I’m so excited.

Cherokee: I feel great. (laughs)

Lauren: And for this first week, this Episode Zero, if you will, we’re gonna hit on some Tumblr classics and also talk about our own relationship to this wonderful website. I guess to start us off, Cherokee, do you want to tell me about what the last week on Tumblr was like for you?

Cherokee: Absolutely. 

Lauren: We’ll start there and we’ll work our way back to the origin story. 

Cherokee: I would love nothing more, Lauren. So, this has been a big week on Tumblr, as it always is. Last week, Stranger Things - Part II premiere. And we did a big Stranger Things takeover. It was fun. I spent my entire day re-blogging community posts about Stranger Things. And this week has really been about Eddie. Big Eddie week, I would say.

Lauren: Yep.

Cherokee: And on top of that, and most recently, Thor: Love and Thunder came out today.

Lauren: Yes.

Cherokee: I have not seen it yet. But I did do some light scrolling to prepare for this and I have sadly seen spoilers, but I’m kind of okay with it just because I feel a little more attached now. 

Lauren: Yeah, that is a risk that we take when we scroll our dash. And a risk you take listening to this podcast. Let’s be honest. We might get into some spoiler territory. I also saw a bunch of Stranger Things stuff this past week. And I did watch the entire Volume II of Stranger Things in, like, a day. So, I was prepared to dive into the Tumblr world. And have been seeing mostly Eddie.

Cherokee: Yeah.

Lauren: A lot of love for Eddie. 

Cherokee: I think Eddie is perhaps blorbo of the week?

[fanfare music]

Lauren: He might be.

Cherokee: He’s big. I feel attached to Eddie. I also watched Stranger Things Part II in one sitting and have a lot of emotions about it.

Lauren: Yeah. (laughs)

Cherokee: Yeah. 

Lauren: I ... Oh man, speaking of a lot of emotions. I guess this is a little bit of a spoiler for a specific scene in Stranger Things Volume II finale. The scene with Max and Lucas and the house ... That got me real good. I was crying pretty hard at that. Just some fantastic acting from those two actors.

Cherokee: Oh my gosh, truly incredible. I did have to pause it to breathe a couple times. Sometimes when scenes are a little too intense-

Lauren: Mm hmm (Affirmative)

Cherokee: ... intense, you take a step back, take a moment, before ...

Lauren: Yeah, you maybe gotta stand up and walk around your apartment. Take a lap before coming back to it.

Cherokee: And that’s when Vecna gets you. That’s when you’re most vulnerable.

Lauren: Yes. Yeah. 

Cherokee: What would your Vecna song be? What would get you out of The Upside Down?

Lauren: I’ve been listening to the Boys of Summer cover by Atari a lot recently. (laughs) 

Cherokee: Specific and I love it.

Lauren: Yeah, so I feel like that could get me out of Vecna’s grip in the here and now. That’s what I’m feeling currently. What about you?

Cherokee: Well, I’ll preface with roughly quoting a Tumblr post, which said if I’m stuck in The Upside Down, just let me go because I can’t for the lift of me pick one song. 

Lauren: (laughs)

Cherokee: And honest ... there are two. And I’m still gonna say two. I think they would be equal. Dreams, by The Cranberries. 

Lauren: Oh, great song.

Cherokee: And Torn, by Natalie Imbruglia. 

Lauren: Oh! Great song!

Cherokee: Two favs. I think those would help me get out.

Lauren: A strong showing from the ‘90s here in this podcast recording today.

Cherokee: Yeah. I mean, always. I would always run back to ‘90s. What, ‘90s kind of like rock pop. Pop rock? I don’t know. I love The Cranberries. 

Lauren: Yeah.

Cherokee: And I love Torn, by Natalie Imbruglia. I couldn’t name another one of her songs but Torn, I mean, that’s all you need.

Lauren: That’s all you need. That’s all you need.

Cherokee: Look at that. Yes. 

Lauren: We are two nineties babies. 

Cherokee: On the same wavelength.

Lauren: And we understand each other. (laughs) 

Cherokee: (laughs) 

Lauren: While we’re delving into the depths of our past, I feel because it’s our first episode, we should talk about our Tumblr bona fide’s. You know? How long have you been on the site? What has your relationship to the site been? Give me the whole bio. 

Cherokee: Oh, we go way back. We’ve had ups. We’ve had downs. We’ve had preppy eras.

Lauren: Sure. (laughs)

Cherokee: (laughs) 

Lauren: The hipster, girly things phase of Tumbler.

Cherokee: Yes. I’ve changed now. Just not for the better, unfortunately. 

Lauren: (laughs)

Cherokee: I actually was going back on my archive to prepare for this pilot recording and I realized I’ve been on Tumblr ten and a half years now. So, big anniversary.

Lauren: (whistles)

Cherokee: I joined in January of 2012.

Lauren: Wow.

Cherokee: And ...

Lauren: Congratulations.

Cherokee: I mean, thank you. 

Lauren: Ten years.

Cherokee: It’s been an honor, really, to haunt the halls of the dashboard. (laughs) If you will. But yeah, I actually looked back at my first ever post was an extremely high contrast early Instagram, like square photo of the beach that I’d added the Veranda filter onto or something. You know? 

Lauren: Oh, perfect.

Cherokee: I feel like the perfect way to kick myself off, or kick it off on Tumblr. I actually got on Tumblr because my freshman year of college I decided, “Look, I’m going to reinvent myself.” She’s different. She’s 18. She lives in New York now. 

Lauren: (laughs)

Cherokee: My style needed to change, too. And I was saving inspo for outfits and whatever in a Word document like a collage. 

Lauren: Oh ... my ... goodness.

Cherokee: Yes. And my freshman college roommate who is my best friend to this day ... So, she introduced me to Tumblr ... said, “What the hell are you doing?” And I was like, “Oh-“

Lauren: [crosstalk 00:06:23]

Cherokee: “I think I need a room transfer if you’re going to continue doing whatever this is.” 

Lauren: (laughs)

Cherokee: And she was like, “You’re gonna be shocked. I need to tell you about Tumblr.”

Lauren: What a good friend.

Cherokee: And so, yeah. And then I got on Tumblr and never stopped. And have not stopped as it turns out.

Lauren: And now work for Tumblr. 

Cherokee: Yeah.

Lauren: I mean, you’ve turned that love of Tumblr into a job.

Cherokee: Indeed I did. They can’t get rid of me. They tried. Not actually. So, essentially I interned there my senior year of college and they didn’t have any open roles after I left and I really wanted to work there. So, I essentially just kept refreshing the jobs page and going to every single event possible. Like, they had happy hours, they had stuff, I was there all the time. My new internship was a few blocks down the street. And finally a job role opened. I applied within probably seconds of it opening. 

Lauren: Incredible.

Cherokee: And thankfully got hired as the on-boarding associate. 

Lauren: Ooh.

Cherokee: When they were presenting me at All Team, our team meeting where they introduce new people, multiple people came up after and were like, “You left after your internship? We were not aware, ‘cause you are always here.” 

Lauren: (laughs)

Cherokee: (laughs) And so that is the story of how I got my job at Tumblr. I just hung around enough honestly. (laughs) Everyone interviewing me was like, “You seem dedicated enough. I don’t really have many questions for you. I feel like you get it. You’re here anyway. So, we might as well add you to payroll.” 

Lauren: Yeah, might as well put you to work. 

Cherokee: Yeah. How about you?

Lauren: I have been on Tumblr a long time. I joined sometime in late 2008, early 2009. So, it’s been 13 or 14 years for me on this website. And I never left. I never left. And that’s partly because I just sort of move from hyper fixation to hyper fixation. So, I always have a fandom that I’m obsessing over. 

But I also just really like the vibes in there. You know? Is the one social media that I’ve had since I was a teenager that I never want to give up. And I also just love diving into parts of Tumblr that I’m not necessarily a community member of. Many years ago now at this point, this would have been 2013, 2014 through 2016, 2017, I had a YouTube series, which you can no longer find, because I scrubbed it from the internet, called “According to Tumblr,” which was me trying to explain Tumblr fandom’s or trying to explain TV shows, books series, et cetera, based on what I was reading in the Tumblr tag. So, trying to summarize TV shows basically based on what the fandom is talking about. 

So, it was a humorous series about differences between fandom and canon and all of that kind of stuff. And that’s sort of also how this podcast started. (laughs) Because I came to you a couple months ago and then said, “I kind of wanna bring this back in some form,” and you were so game. Because you feel as passionately about Tumblr as I do. 

Cherokee: No, I am obsessed with Tumblr. It is unfortunately/fortunately imbedded in my personality at this point.

Lauren: (laughs)

Cherokee: I love it so much. I talk about it all the time. My friends are definitely ... which my entire friend group, by the way, were/are Tumblr employees largely. 

Lauren: Right, of course.

Cherokee: We stick together. But yeah, they’re probably very tired of me talking about Tumblr constantly. Because it’s, “What’s going on this week? Guess what? Miss Marvel premiered.” Whatever it is, I’ve already ... (laughs)

Lauren: Yeah. 

Cherokee: So, yeah, I’m really excited to be really earnest with you biweekly.

Lauren: And while you work for Tumblr, this is not an official Tumblr podcast. I feel like we should mention that disclaimer. But it’s got the Tumblr stamp of approval, as it were. They’re happy we’re doing it.

Cherokee: Yeah, it’s like a friendship.

Lauren: They’re into it.

Cherokee: Yeah.

Lauren: It is.

Cherokee: But yeah, this is just me fangirling over the place that I already work, as it turns out. But this is not an advertisement, folks. This is just being miley. 

Lauren: Yeah. Pure earnest excitement. All Tumblr, all the time. 

Cherokee: Always be fixating. 

Lauren: Always be fixating. Oh, that’s great. We should make a sticker with that.

Cherokee: Absolutely. We could add it to the poster, the little [crosstalk 00:10:48].

Lauren: Oh, yes. Yeah. Please go and look at our art. We will post the banner version of it because it is so gorgeous. Shay McMullen, our artist, put all of these beautiful little Tumblr jokes in the art and it’s incredible. And I keep staring at it because I love it so much. 

Cherokee: It really is wonderful. I almost made it my LinkedIN header and I was thinking, “Is that too far, perhaps?” It’s not my whole identity, maybe? It was a consideration, though. Maybe I’ll just make it my computer background to really ... 

Lauren: Yeah. I mean, listen ...

Cherokee: Experience it.

Lauren: This is the first episode. There’s plenty of time. All right. One segment that we are going to be doing repeatedly on this show is dashboard confessionals. 

[guitar riff]

Which is when we dive into our own Tumblr archive and pick something at random that we were blogging about X years ago on this date or on any random date. So, Cherokee, what do you have for me?

Cherokee: I have something that I also just Slacked to you, or messaged to you, via Zoom so that you can experience it as well. 

Lauren: Excellent. (laughs)

Cherokee: It is an oldie but a goodie. The post is, “I love high contrast photos of fruit floating threateningly in the night.” I’m sure if you’ve been on Tumblr for any number of hours you have likely seen this one. 

Lauren: Mm hmm (Affirmative).

Cherokee: And someone replies, “I don’t believe such a thing exists.” And Coco Lou who is the OP said, “Of course it does exist,” and shared some high contrast photos of fruit floating threateningly in the night. Which I think should also perhaps be a tongue twister that people do before, I don’t know, recording a podcast.

Lauren: No kidding. It’s really amazing how it’s impossible to image based on the description what that photo would look like, and then you see the photo and you’re like, “Oh yeah, that is fruit floating threatening in the night.”

Cherokee: Obviously. Yeah. (laughs)

Lauren: That’s exactly what that is. 

Cherokee: Honestly, it may be one of my favorite classic Tumblr posts. I think I re-blogged this in 2013. 

Lauren: It’s been a long time since I’ve seen it. Thank you for bringing it back into my life. Because I do very much enjoy it.

Cherokee: You’re so welcome, to be threatened by that fruit. My gift to you.

Lauren: It’s very threatening. 

Cherokee: And we will be re-blogging it to DashboardDiaries.Tumblr.com – so you, too, can be threatened by fruit floating in the night.

Lauren: (laughs) So, seven years ago I re-blogged on this day a compilation of Jean Ralphio singing. I will also re-blog that to our DashboardDiaries.Tumblr.com because it is excellent. If you are unfamiliar with Jean Ralphio, he is Ben Schwartz’s character from Parks and Rec. He is probably most famous for, “the worst.” That’s kind of his tagline. And also, “Don’t be suspicious.” Don’t Be Suspicious with Jenny Slate. It’s fantastic. Just so many good moments. 

Cherokee: I love Jean Ralphio and Ben Schwartz. That character ... one of my all time favorite television characters, to be honest. 

Lauren: I mean, so meme-able. 

Cherokee: So meme-able. 

Lauren: Even now, today, in 2022 we are still meme’ing Jean Ralphio and I think that’s beautiful. What was your very first fandom on Tumblr would you say, that you kind of participated in or were very active as a viewer?

Cherokee: Hmm. Very first fandom that I participated in on Tumblr ... Gosh, what a multilayered question. Because honestly my first few years on Tumblr I was want to say in the preppy lifestyle fandom. 

Lauren: Mm hmm (Affirmative).

Cherokee: I re-blogged all the, “If you’re a preppy blog follow this.” And that was my jam. But I think when I started actually working at Tumblr, which was in 2014 and I became full time in 2015. That was when a lot of ... I think that was around the time that Thor: Ragnarok came out in 2016. And so the MCU, especially Taika Waititi and his tie in to the MCU. I really participated very, very actively in that fandom. And I would also say another fandom that is a little, I don’t know ... I don’t know if you would even consider it a fandom. I would. I think the 2000s and ‘90s fandom, in general. 

Lauren: Yes.

Cherokee: Like, 2000 ish is one of my favorite Tumblr’s. And I just really love the kind of like throwback, Lindsay McGuire, and That’s So Raven kind of content.

Lauren: Yeah.

Cherokee: I think the nostalgia in 2000 ish fandom is the one that really I started with and have continued through. But if we’re talking about specifics I would say the MCU just in general I think that me starting, working at Tumblr and being just really into the MCU kind of probably aligned very well. [crosstalk 00:15:45]

Lauren: MCU is a great fandom to be on Tumblr for because, what, it’s been around for as long as Tumblr has. I mean, because Iron Man came out in 2008 and Tumblr launched in, what, 2007, 2008? So, they come hand in hand. And also there’s always something going on which is really nice. There’s always a new thing being added to the MCU. Which is fabulous.

Cherokee: Always something MC-new.

Lauren: (laughs) In case it’s not clear by this point, Cherokee will be the pun captain of this show. 

Cherokee: I apologize.

Lauren: You are so good at coming up with puns. No, it’s great. I love it. I love it.

Cherokee: No, it’s a passion, I would say. If I was in that fandom, too, I would say ... I mean, I was once a semi finalist at the Punderdome, not to brag. 

Lauren: Is that a thing? Are you making another pun or is this is a real thing?

Cherokee: It is a thing. No, unfortunately, it is a thing, and it is a thing I’ve done multiple times. 

Lauren: Please explain this to me.

Cherokee: (laughs) So, the Punderdome, it was, pre pandemic, I’m not sure if it’s still happening, but every Tuesday in Brooklyn there was this free-for-all pun competition. It went for four hours. Anyone could join-

Lauren: Oh ... my ... god.

Cherokee: ... you had to ... But there were people who had been punning there monthly for years. And essentially how it worked was everyone, you’re called up on stage in kind of like waves, groups of six, and you’re given a topic. For example, “old Hollywood.” And you have a whiteboard and you have 90 seconds to write down as many puns as you can think of that tie into this and then you have to go up and say your puns, but in kind of like a cohesive story kind of way. 

So, you would be like, “I was walking down the Marilyn Mon-road today. And what did I see but the Holly woods.” You know? That kind of-

Lauren: Oh my gosh. 

Cherokee: ... thing. And it was judged by clapping, essentially. So, a very scientific way to judge it. And the prizes were generally made for TV or “as seen on TV stuff. Really random shit. 

Lauren: That’s perfect. 

Cherokee: It was excellent in every way. I really actually like being a semifinalist because it did sometimes go till 11:30 at night on a Tuesday and semifinalists, you know, if you get cut you’re out by 9:30, which was a respectable Tuesday evening, I feel.

Lauren: Oh my goodness. 

Cherokee: But I hope one day to become a Punderdome winner. That would really be my biggest accomplishment.

Lauren: A real feather in your cap. 

Cherokee: Yeah. (laughs)

Lauren: (laughs) That is the most specific form of improve I’ve ever heard of in my life. I love that. 

Cherokee: I didn’t even put the two together and now I’m realizing, yeah, it’s just ... Which honestly, if I was going to get into any specific kind of comedy or improve it would be punning. I’m sure. We’ve gotten so sidetracked and I apologize. What were we ... Oh, we were on fandom’s.

Lauren: First fandom’s.

Cherokee: What was your first fandom, if not the punning fandom, Lauren?

Lauren: (laughs) Deep, deep into the punning fandom. I was also very much in not necessarily the preppy side of Tumblr but kind of the aesthetic hipster side of Tumblr. I was really into nice photos and music. I was blogging a lot about music. And I didn’t really get into fandom Tumblr until I guess it had been early middle or college. BBC Sherlock came out in 2010. End of 2010 it came out in America. Because I remember I watched it over Christmas break. And that is absolutely my first Tumblr fandom. It was a slow burn at first. You know? After the first season I dove into some fan fic and dove into following some Sherlock blogs, but there wasn’t a ton of activity going on yet. And then by the end of season two it was just enormous. And I would say SuperWhoLock is a massive part of Tumblr culture. And we’re gonna get to a big part of that later on. 

But the Lock part of SuperWhoLock was definitely my initial interaction with SuperWhoLock and also my main fandom. I was not necessarily a very active blogger within the Sherlock fandom, but I followed a bunch. I re-blogged a bunch. I made a couple of memes that did okay notes wise. I won’t tell you which memes they were because then you’ll be able to find all of my old blogs. But, yeah, I had a great time. And I am sure that one of these days we will do an episode on the Johnlock conspiracy because that is a huge part of Tumblr lore. And boy was I inside of that when it was all happening. An insider’s perspective. 

Cherokee: I cannot wait for the expose episode on that one. As an outsider, I have thoughts as well of course. Well, an inside-outsider I would say to the SuperWhoLock community. So, you started with Lock and then did you go to Super or Who next?

Lauren: I have always been a scattered viewer of Who. I have not seen every episode. I have seen some episodes of every Doctor. And I’m absolutely going to jump in and watch the new one, because Mizero Ncuti Gatwa from Sex Education, the new doctor, is amazing. I’m obsessed with this character in Sex Education. So, I’m very excited about that. But, yeah, my next fandom of the SuperWhoLock that I dove deep into was our main topic for today. 

[game show trill]

Supernatural.

Cherokee: Woo! A show I know so much about. 

Lauren: So, my relationship with Supernatural ... For those of you that don’t know what Supernatural is ... (laughs) ... First of all, how did you find this podcast? 

Cherokee: Are you okay?

Lauren: And second of all, are you okay? Did you just wake up from a coma? Supernatural is a television show that ran on the WB/EW for 15 years. It ended last year. And is a huge, huge part, even to this day, post the show being on, a massive part of Tumblr culture. And I hadn’t seen the show until about 2016, 2017. But the first video I ever did for recording Tumblr, this YouTube series I used to do, was me trying to explain what I thought the plot of Supernatural was as just as passive Tumblr user who wasn’t even following any Supernatural blogs but still absorbed a lot of Supernatural. 

So, we thought for our first episode of the show it would be fun to have Cherokee do the same thing and have you try to explain the plot of Supernatural to me based on Tumblr and as somebody who has never actually seen more than a handful of episodes of the show. Right?

Cherokee: Yes. So, I’ll give you a little context on my experience with Supernatural, ‘cause it does go way back despite me not seeing the vast majority of episodes.

Lauren: We all go way back with Supernatural.

Cherokee: Yeah. If you’ve been on Tumblr for more than a minute or so you go way back with Supernatural. You’re part of the community, I really think. And it is an open and accepting wayward community. I know some things. 

Lauren: Oh yeah, you know some things. 

Cherokee: (laughs) So, essentially, my first thing I ever did when I started at Tumblr, my first big kind of partnership entertainment kind of campaign was with Misha Collins for Dish Whiz which is the Greatest International Scavenger hunt the world has ever seen, if you’re not familiar. And he does this big scavenger hunt and so we decided to do a virtual one on Tumblr during a Supernatural convention. 

Lauren: [inaudible 00:23:14]

Cherokee: And so we were doing this big 48 hour massive scavenger hunt with a whole bunch of the cast of Supernatural involved and people from other shows like Once Upon a Time and shows like that, I think William Shatner briefly was almost involved. He didn’t end up being involved, but that was going to be really exciting. But anyway, so I went to this Supernatural convention and spent 48 hours locked in a conference room with Misha Collins. Locked ... no, I was willingly having a great time in this conference room. But essentially running this scavenger hunt. And so one of my co-workers, the great Amanda Brenan, who you also may – if you’ve been on Tumblr for a while – be familiar with.

Lauren: Love Amanda!

Cherokee: We love Amanda.

Lauren: She’s fantastic.

Cherokee: She’s a gem. Our meme librarian was her title at the time. I think it might still continue to be.

Lauren: Incredible. 

Cherokee: Icon. And she is also a huge Supernatural fan. She said, “Look, you can’t go to this unless you have seen key Supernatural episodes.” So, this was back in 2016. I can’t even remember the specific episode she showed me anymore. I think it was maybe the first episode and then a few ... I think she picked five and we booked a conference room at the Tumblr office and piled in. And she would pause it-

Lauren: That’s incredible.

Cherokee: ... and be like, “Okay, this is this character. He’s a cinnamon bun.” (laughs)

Lauren: (laughs) 

Cherokee: And so that’s kind of the experience that I have so far for Supernatural. I’ve seen probably six to seven episodes in total.

Lauren: Okay. All right. And spent a day in a conference room with Misha Collins. 

Cherokee: Yes, which is all the Supernatural knowledge you need, really. I feel like I got it by osmosis. 

Lauren: I mean, honestly. I do feel like we should both make a disclaimer that we both have worked with Misha Collins personally. 

Cherokee: Hi, Misha!

Lauren: Hi, Misha! I was literally speaking to him yesterday about Bridgewater, season two. I write a podcast that Misha stars in. He is the sweetest man on the planet. Just absolutely great. It’s always a nice thing to discover that a Tumblr fav is a fav for a good reason. He’s just a lovely person. 

Cherokee: Truly such a gem. Have loved the few times that I’ve gotten to work with him. And I am so sorry, Misha, for not having seen every episode of Supernatural. I’ll do better.

Lauren: (laughs) There are a lot of them. 

Cherokee: Yes. It’s a process. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. You know?

Lauren: It really is.

Cherokee: If I start now I can be done by the time I’m 40. 

Lauren: Exactly. Just pace it out. 

Cherokee: Yeah, exactly.

Lauren: So, I mean, based on those six to seven episodes that you’ve seen of Supernatural and your many years on Tumblr, give me the highlights? What is Supernatural about? What are the big moments? Let’s go. 

Cherokee: Okay. So, Supernatural is about two brothers: Dean and the other brother. 

Lauren: (laughs)

Cherokee: Who’s mom dies on the ceiling and then ... by fire. And then decide that they must ... They are demon fighters or they must fight demons or they want to find who killed their mom. I think their dad is briefly involved. I think he comes in at one point. They have a car. It’s an Impala. It’s gray.

Lauren: Mm hmm (Affirmative).

Cherokee: No, brownish? Beige? They have a car. It’s an Impala. They like the song, “Carry On Wayward Son.” And in every episode they go around slaying the monster of the week, or the demon of the week, but apparently after season two or three it’s less demon of the week and more these big Heaven/Hell kind of threats, big existential threats, all the demons have arrived. And then there’s Misha who plays Castiel, who is an angel of ... he’s an angel. And he comes down in a trench coat and I can’t decide if he helps or hinders them. I think it might be a mix of the two. So, he’s around and there’s a big ship, Destiel which is Dean and Castiel, which became vaguely canon on November 5th, 2019. 

Lauren: I thought it was 2020.

Cherokee: 2020? Okay, sooner than I thought.

Lauren: It was 2020, because it was also election day. 

Cherokee: Oh, god.

Lauren: Or it was the Thursday after election day. Right? It was when ... the pandemic. We’ll get to that. We’ll get to November 5th. 

Cherokee: So, yeah. Remember, remember, the fifth of November. 

Lauren: Exactly.

Cherokee: So, they fight these demons and there’s like purgatory, I think some of them may be stuck in it. There’s a lot of puzzles and clues I think. There’s some relics from the dead. Osric Chau plays Kevin Tran who can read the Bible. I forget what his thing is. 

Lauren: (laughs)

Cherokee: (laughs) And he sadly dies, RIP. And I think that they really love Kevin Trans because that’s a big plot point as well. I saw those episodes and it’s been a minute. And so anyway, yeah. Dean and, god, what is the other brother’s name. I swear I genuinely know.

Lauren: Oh my god, did you legitimately forget?

Cherokee: I legitimately ... I’m trying to remember. I’m like, god, I know this. But my brain just keeps being like, “Dean and Eddie.” Which obviously it isn’t ... I’m merging Stranger Things. But it’s Jared and Jensen and Misha and they’re all buddies. How did I do?

Lauren: So, I was taking notes on my phone during that. Because there were so many things that ... it’s so funny, there were so many things that you said that were so similar to the way that I described supernatural, as a person who hadn’t seen it. Which that video actually is still online and I will share it on our Tumblr because I think it will be a funny comparison point of how I define Supernatural based off of Tumblr back in 2014. Obviously, the show wasn’t over yet, so you had more context. I think my favorite thing is the idea that the Impala is beige. (laughs) 

Cherokee: Is it not? What color is it?

Lauren: No, it’s black.

Cherokee: Oh. (laughs) I think I’ve been in it.

Lauren: Oh my god, Cherokee. So, the Impala, “Baby,” as she’s known, thank you very much.

Cherokee: Beige-by. 

Lauren: (laughs) Is a black Chevy Impala that is mostly driven by Dean, although sometimes Sam, the other brother, does drive it. 

Cherokee: That word had completely left my head. I never would have gotten “Sam.” 

Lauren: It’s so funny. Yeah, I would say that probably ... Obviously there are Sam girls out there, we love you, we love all the characters, we love everybody who loves the show. But I would say, at least in my circles, I think Dean is probably the main borbo of the two brothers on Tumblr. And then of course Castiel who’s name you got right. I, having only seen it typed out, thought it ... I pronounced it CAST-YEEL. He is an angel. He’s the angel of Thursdays in actual Christian lore Castiel is the angel of Thursdays. I don’t know if that ever comes up in Supernatural or not. Not to my memory. 

Yeah, I think actually helping and hindering is a good description of Cas. He normally ... I mean, he usually helps. He’s definitely on Team Freewill as it’s known, which is the three of them, and then eventually Satan’s son, Jack, which is a whole other thing ... but sometimes Cas get possessed by Leviathans or Satan or goes crazy, or what have you.

Cherokee: It happens to the best of us.

Lauren: It happens to the best of us. Everybody in the show is possessed at some point. And which is fun, because you get to see the actors try different things, which is always exciting. And, oh my gosh, what else did you say? Oh yeah, Kevin’s skill being able to read the Bible. You’re not wrong, but that’s just the funniest way to phrase it. As if the Bible is something that only certain people are allowed to read. (laughs) 

Cherokee: It’s like the Declaration of Independence in National Treasure where it’s like secret codes.

Lauren: Well, I mean, that’s actually pretty close. Kevin is a prophet. And so he can read angel texts basically and he hears voices. It’s been a couple seasons since that was a thing. So, I’m forgetting the finer points of that plot. But I would say you did pretty well. I mean, you got the big stuff. They do go to Purgatory, or rather Dean and Cas go to Purgatory at one point.

Oh and then Dean and Cas go back to Purgatory in the final season to get a flower. That’s a very emotional episode. But I don’t know that Sam ever goes to Purgatory. He does go to Hell. But ...

Cherokee: Who’s the one who dies all the time? Is that Dean?

Lauren: Dean. Yes. 

Cherokee: Yeah.

Lauren: Dean dies ... I think the count is like 157 times or something like that. I forget exactly what it is.

Cherokee: Yeah. Normal. 

Lauren: About 100 of those happen in one episode, to be fair.

Cherokee: Which, I have seen that episode. 

Lauren: Okay, mystery spot. 

Cherokee: I’ve seen the episode, the meta episode where they’re on the set of Supernatural. 

Lauren: Oh yeah.

Cherokee: You know what I mean?

Lauren: Mm hmm (Affirmative).

Cherokee: And I did enjoy that one. I’ve enjoyed every episode I’ve seen. It is very enjoyable to watch. 

Lauren: And over 300+ episodes. They really hit every possible genre, fun trope, weird upside down world, I mean, they do everything. They go to a Supernatural convention. They see a fan fiction musical of their own lives. They fight god. It’s a whole thing. This show has everything. It really has everything. 

Cherokee: It must have been ... like, what a fun project to work on for 15 seasons. To be able to think of every potential story and do the meta fandom driven episodes. I mean-

Lauren: Yes.

Cherokee: ... that must have been so much fun to be like, “How weird can we get? What can we do here?” Especially because you have this dedicated audience who loves it and is like, “Yeah, get weird. Try something. When is the musical episode?” You know?

Lauren: Yeah, exactly.

Cherokee: And so, yeah, that’s what I really obviously having an embarrassing lack of knowledge about Supernatural despite having been chronically on Tumblr for ten years. I really love the Supernatural fandom and have jumped at every opportunity I’ve gotten to do something with Misha or just any Supernatural related anything, because it’s always just so much fun and everyone is just having the time of their lives, honestly.

Lauren: Yes. 

Cherokee: I mean, even at the conventions with the karaoke and everyone dresses up. Everyone is so much fun. It’s, yeah. It’s wonderful. It’s a really wonderful community. And I love that it kind of continues, it’s continued on. It will continue on. Destiel continues to be one of the top ships on Tumblr. Supernatural is consistently one of the biggest TV shows talked about. I really love that it’s taken on a life of its own. Maybe Season 15 closed but the show isn’t over. And the stories definitely aren’t. 

Lauren: Exactly. And there is a prequel show coming, we should mention. The Winchester is on the CW/EW. Jensen Ackles, who plays Dean, is producing it and narrating it. But you’re so right. It is its own thing in such a beautiful way. Destiel is not only one of the top ships on Tumblr consistently, but also the most fic’d ship on AO3. As far as I know, I think sometime early this year or late last year it crossed over 100,000 fan fics on AO3 for just the Destiel tag. 

Cherokee: Incredible. 

Lauren: Which is amazing.

Cherokee: I am a super fan of the Supernatural fandom. I think that is the perfect way-

Lauren: Yes.

Cherokee: ... to put where I fall in this equation. I really love ... it is just wonderful that so many people are experiencing these characters and there is so much source material, so you can really-

Lauren: Yes.

Cherokee: You really can kind of guess and know how someone will react, how someone would handle a situation, which means there are infinite stories that can be told from infinite POV’s. No wonder there’s a 100k fics on AO3. That’s incredible. Has anyone read them all? This is a challenge. Someone?

Lauren: Yes, please report back to us.

Cherokee: Yeah. (laughs) We will do [crosstalk 00:35:20]

Lauren: dashboarddiariespod@gmail.com – email us! Well, yeah, and also there is a running joke on Tumblr that there’s a Supernatural gif for any situation, any kind of reaction, and it’s true because everything has happened on that show. And not only do I sort of think of, when I think of early days of being on Tumblr and getting to the fandom side of things, I think about Supernatural gifs, but I also think of November 5th as in some ways the beginning of our current Tumblr renaissance.

I want to hear what you were doing on November 5th. Because I remember where I was. And to me it still sticks out in my head as one of the most fun nights I’ve had on Tumblr ... maybe only with the weekend of Dash Con. But this was November 5th, 2020. So, we’re, what, six, seven months into the pandemic. I am in my one bedroom apartment in LA that I have been inside of for eight months straight without leaving. And the presidential election ... very, very high stress presidential election has taken place two days before, but we don’t have results yet because of the pandemic slowing all of the results down. 

So, I’m stressed out of my mind. And me and my partner sit down to watch Supernatural. And watched the episode. Loved the episode. It’s a great time had by all. And then I got on Tumblr. And between the US politics and Destiel going canon, or somewhat canon, and everybody having the most cabin fever ever – just the memes were off the charts. The sort of 15 year mass catharsis that was being experienced all at once on Tumblr was unmatched. I mean, it was just the absolute fourth wall breaking, meltdown, excitement that was happening on that platform. I can’t quantify it. It was beautiful.

Cherokee: What a perfect way to put it. I think, yeah, as someone who is obviously not in the Supernatural fandom, but is a fan of the Supernatural fandom, I was obviously on Tumblr while this was happening. I knew the finale was that night. And our fandom blog went ...

Lauren: It was the third to last episode, not the finale.

Cherokee: Oh, it was the third to last episode. 

Lauren: Yep.

Cherokee: See, I’m over here on November 20th. Oh my gosh. I apologize for not realizing that it was the third to last episode where this happened. I genuinely, to this day, thought that was the finale. 

Lauren: Oh my gosh. That’s amazing.

Cherokee: Continuing with my lack of knowledge. But anyway, I have never seen my dash be so one topic’d and overtake everything else happening. It was just chaos. As someone who is not in the fandom, I have FOMO. I feel like I would have more fully experienced that if I had been ... ‘cause I didn’t even watch the episode. I just got the gifs and the kind of canon but not canon ... from my feed. And I feel like I kind of get what happened in that episode. Do they become canon in Purgatory? Is that ... they shared a little Purgatory kiss? Is that, or?

Lauren: Well ... (laughs) ... I mean, in fan fics, I’m sure.

Cherokee: (laughs)

Lauren: So, they go to Purgatory earlier in that season and they get separated in purgatory and Dean ends up praying to Cas to try and find him. And it’s like this very emotional ... like, he kneels down and is praying. And then later in the season Cas has made an agreement with the Empty, which is angel hell, that when he experiences a moment of true happiness he will be taken into the Empty, where he will live out the rest of his immortal life in an empty blank space, basically.

So, Cas tells Dean that he loves him and experiences a moment of true happiness and gets taken by the Empty. 

Cherokee: It makes sense. Yep, that makes complete sense. No, with the limited knowledge I have, that sounds right. Yeah.

Lauren: Yeah. Can I share with you my absolute favorite post? I still think these words to myself on the regular. This was an exchange that happened on Tumblr either on November 5th or in the days afterwards. But somebody ... it’s just a great series of responses. Somebody blogged:

“I can’t believe Castiel went to super hell to turn Georgia blue.”

And then because Georgia went for Joe Biden that same night. And then somebody responded with, “Please god, let me find these things out normally. I am begging you.” 

And then a third person responded with maybe my favorite thing that anybody’s said on Tumblr which is, “If you go to the circus for news, don’t complain if a clown tells it to you.” 

Cherokee: That is ... I want that on a shirt. I want it like as a cross stitch. That is so perfect. And I really like ... yeah, regretting. I am regretting my lack of action in the Supernatural community on this day. I would have really loved to be a part of the revolution and not just a viewer on the sidelines. 

Lauren: And you were there. You were witnessing the history as it was happening. Not everybody can say that. Some people weren’t even on Tumblr at all. 

Cherokee: I would say probably maybe most people.

Lauren: Yeah. 

Cherokee: Even though I did think it was the finale. 

Lauren: You did think it was the finale. That’s so funny. It can be your finale if you want it to be.

Cherokee: Exactly.

Lauren: This is the great thing about being a fan. It is what you make it. Throw canon out the window and do your thing.

Cherokee: Throw canon, make it fan-on.

Lauren: Speaking of fan-on versus canon. I have a quiz for you. 

[synth music]

Cherokee: Oh, I’m ready. Is it Supernatural related?

Lauren: Oh, it’s all Supernatural related. So, every episode, probably, Cherokee and I are going to do a game. And one of our main games is going to be fan fic versus fan fact. In which we quiz each other on essentially two truths and a lie situation. So, I’m going to ask Cherokee a question and there’s going to be three options. Two of them will be true and one of them will be a lie, and she has to guess which, as somebody who is not deeply entrenched in Supernatural. Are you ready?

Cherokee: Never been more ready. 

Lauren: Okay. So, the first question is:

Which of the following is not the title of a Supernatural episode?

A Very Supernatural Halloween

Everybody Loves A Clown

Are You There God? It’s Me, Dean Winchester.

Two of those are real, one of them is not an actual episode title. Let me know if you need them again.

Cherokee: Hmm. “C.”

Lauren: C. Are You There God? It’s Me, Dean Winchester?

Cherokee: Yeah. 

[buzzer]

Lauren: Wrong. That is a real episode title. 

Cherokee: Oh. I was like, “She’s gonna think I think it is an episode title, so it won’t be,” ‘cause my other thought was “B,” but is “B” also wrong? “B” is also wrong. Cool.

Lauren: This one was a little bit shady of me. Because ... So, the answer, too, which is not a title of a Supernatural episode is, “A Very Supernatural Halloween.” That is not a title of an episode. There is an episode titled, “A Very Supernatural Christmas.” So, it was a little bit tricky.

Cherokee: I got both my options wrong, which is on brand and wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. (laughs) 

Lauren: Perfect. Listen, we’ve got two more of these. So, you still have time to get two out of three. I believe in you.

Cherokee: I’m going to ace it. 

Lauren: (laughs) All right. The next one is:

Which of the following is not a character in Supernatural? 

The Easter Bunny

Misha Collins

Hitler

Which is not a character that appears in Supernatural? A character.

Cherokee: Okay, I know Misha Collins appears as himself at some point in Supernatural. 

Lauren: Because you did see that episode. 

Cherokee: Because I did see that episode. So, that’s eliminated. So, we’re between the Easter Bunny and Hitler. 

Lauren: Yep.

Cherokee: (laughs) I’m gonna go with Hitler did not appear in an episode. 

Lauren: So, I’m gonna give you half a point for this, because this is also a little bit shady. So, the Easter Bunny is not a character in Supernatural. There is a killer bunny at one point. But as far as I could find. And I have seen every episode of Supernatural, but you forget things. But I could not find that there was the Easter Bunny in an episode. But Hitler technically is a character in Supernatural. Because Dean kills Hitler and then he talks about how he killed Hitler a bunch in later episodes. Because it’s a cool thing to have killed Hitler. 

It is the soul of Hitler in somebody else’s body. So, technically nobody is dressed as Hitler in Supernatural. Thankfully. But, yes, that is a whole episode in which there is Nazi necromancers and Dean kills Hitler. So, that’s a half a point.

Cherokee: Good for Dean.

Lauren: Because the way you phrased your answer, he technically doesn’t appear, but he is a character. 

Cherokee: So, I found my way around it. Also-

Lauren: You did.

Cherokee: ... is there a Tumblr that has the log line for every single Supernatural episode? Because I’m gonna need to go to that. I’m sure IMDB-

Lauren: Ooh.

Cherokee: ... has it, but I want to stay organic.

Lauren: No, we want the fan perspective.

Cherokee: I want the fan written log line of each episode.

Lauren: Yes.

Cherokee: Another ... please, someone if you do it, let us know. 

Lauren: Please. All right. Final question:

Which is not a way that Dean Winchester has died?

Shot by a fellow hunter.

Crashing his beloved car, “Baby.”

Slipping in the shower.

Cherokee: “B” Crashing the car?

[chimes]

Lauren: You are correct.

Cherokee: Yes! Oh my gosh! Wow! 

Lauren: Although, now I’m actually second guessing myself.

Cherokee: (laughs) 

Lauren: As far as I know he was never driving Baby and crashed her and died. But now I’m remembering that I think he and his dad, John Winchester, were in the car, got into a car accident at the end of season one and he’s dead at the end of season two, and that’s the first time we see Reapers. Supernatural fans? Help me out here. It’s been a while since I’ve seen the early seasons. So, the internet may have steered me wrong on this. But that ... as far as I know, you got that answer right. So, 1.5 out of 3 points. Hell yes. 

Cherokee: 50%. A solid 50%. 

Lauren: All right. That ties up our Supernatural segment. How do you feel? Do you feel like you know Supernatural better now?

Cherokee: I am not gonna lie, I feel like I need to watch a lot more of Supernatural, because I can’t be this not in the know these days. I’ve got to get deeper. And so I feel motivated to go beyond being a fan of the fandom and become a member of the fandom. 

Lauren: I love that. And, hey, if you do, this is the place to talk about it. We can do a little sum up of your Supernatural journey. That could be very fun.

Cherokee: That would be fun. I’m in. I’ll start with season one, episode one. And just-

Lauren: Hell yes.

Cherokee: ... work my way. Hell yes. Purgatory yes. Super hell yes. Heaven yes. Empty yes. All of the yeses. 

Lauren: (laughs) I mean, in terms of fandom forecast, as we round out. I think you do have some Supernatural on your horizon, but what else are you looking at in the coming two weeks in between our episodes that you are excited for?

Cherokee: Hmm. Well, first off, I know I mentioned Thor: Love and Thunder, earlier in the episode, but I am so excited to see just ... it’s trending number three right now as we speak on July 8th. But it just came out today. So, I think for the next couple of weeks I feel like that is really gonna be just a big moment, kind of like the main thing being talked about and then also this is coming out on July 22nd, but the new Jordan Peel film.

Lauren: Jordan Peel movie. That’s right.

Cherokee: I’m so excited to see that. It’s one of those things where I have no idea what it’s about. And I cannot wait to find out.

Lauren: As we round out our episode this week, let’s end with Feels Corner.

[music]

What is giving you the feels right now? What is the thing that you are obsessing over that you are crying over the gifs, that you are reading the fic of, tell me your hyper fixation of the moment?

Cherokee: So, I have a very specific hyper fixation right now that I don’t know if it’s really broken onto Tumblr yet. I’ve seen some whisperings of it. But I just watched ... I have two more episodes left of The Bear on Hulu.

Lauren: Yeah.

Cherokee: Which is that show about the sandwich restaurant in Chicago. I will preface this by saying I’ve followed a lot of people who watch The Bear and the biggest piece of feedback is, “Excellent show, so inaccurate of sandwich shops. This would never be in this part of Chicago, and this part of Chicago is nothing like you’re seeing it is.” Kind of thing. Which is so funny because that is all the feedback I’m seeing. But even the people who are saying this are still loving the show. And I am unhealthily obsessed, maybe, with Carmine who is played by Jeremy Allen White. You may know him from Shameless.

Lauren: Oh yeah.

Cherokee: The show is excellent and very well done. Ayo Edebiri is in it. Super, it’s really well done. I am watching it for one reason and one reason alone and that is thirst. (laughs)

Lauren: (laughs) And we respect that here on Dashboard Diaries. I totally get that. He’s got a real certain something about him. He really doe. 

Cherokee: [inaudible 00:48:53] energy. It’s really powerful. (laughs)

Lauren: (laughs) That’s totally it. Oh my gosh. 

Cherokee: It’s visceral. Not to get too horny on ‘mine here. (laughs)

Lauren: That’s amazing and you have two episodes left.

Cherokee: I have two episodes. So, I hold out for finales. I don’t watch them right away for some reason. I get close to the end of something and I put off ... I watched Stranger Things, Part Four, Part Two, days after it came out. I don’t know what it is, I just need that ... it lasts longer that way. But I have two episodes left and I will probably watch them this evening, this weekend. I’m excited to see what happens. It’s mostly just like, it’s really well shot and very stressful of a show. It’s kitchen intensity.

Lauren: Yeah.

Cherokee: But just him making beef sandwiches. Into it. I’ve never had a beef sandwich in my life, but I would ... I would do it for Carmine. Oh, so what are you obsessing over at the moment?

Lauren: Speaking of stressful shows, last night I watched this week’s episode of For All Mankind, the Apple TV show. And it’s so funny, because it’s a show that I don’t necessarily actually engage in the fandom of, or I haven’t yet. And it’s a show that’s sort of between seasons, I didn’t think all that much about. And then when it’s on and I’m watching it, it’s one of my favorite viewing experiences. It’s this alternate history of 1960s through 1990s America, NASA specifically in the space race, if we have way more advanced technology basically. 

It is so incredibly stressful and I love it. Like, every episode I am clutching my face. I am moving around on the couch, total frenetic energy because I am so nervous about what’s happening on screen. And it’s the most fun I’ve had watching a TV show and being stressed by a TV show simultaneously ... well, since Barry. So, not that long. But it’s the same kind of thing where it’s like, “Oh, I can’t look. I have to look. I can’t look. I have to look. I’m loving this so much. I wanna die.”

Cherokee: What a great endorsement. I have to watch this show now. I love a show about space. I have seen it and just haven’t gotten started for no specific reason. But everyone I talk to who watches it just vehemently recommends it. 

Lauren: It is so good. And if you all listening have feels that you wanna share in our Feels Corner, go ahead and send a voice memo talking about, 30 seconds or less, the thing that you are obsessing over right now to dashboarddiariespod@gmail.com. We wanna hear from you and we might put it on the show. 

Cherokee: I can’t wait to hear the feels. I hope some of them are for our boy Carmine from The Bear. 

Lauren: (laughs)

Cherokee: Come on. Come on, Bear cubs ... I don’t know, what’s the fandom called?

Lauren: Oh, that’s cute. Bear cubs is cute.

Cherokee: Yeah, I like it. 

Lauren: I feel like you just named the fandom. 

Cherokee: All right, Bear cubs. Let’s rock and roll. (laughs) Bear subs. 

Lauren: Oh, that has layers of meaning.

Cherokee: Oh, there’s too many layers there. (laughs)

[crosstalk 00:52:06]

Took a moment to click, but yeah. 

Lauren: And with that, as we say this week and every week, may your anons always be loving. 

Cherokee: Your dash always refreshed.

Lauren: Your gifs always be loading.

Cherokee: And your ships always canon. 

Lauren: May the fics you’re reading always be finished.

Cherokee: And the answers you seek always in the tags.

Lauren: And we’ll see you next time, or in super hell, this has been Dashboard Diaries.

Cherokee: Thanks for signing on. 

[outro synth music]