#sure bad stuff happens. sure its sucky and bad and you dont like it.

[grimsneverendingfuneral]

Grim, hi! I’ve missed you! I’ve been busy with some sucky real life stuff, but I promise I have not forgotten about you!

I shattered my left wrist which is already annoying as is, but it happened HOURS after I got my cast off on my right arm which was broken. It’s just so annoying ugh. Like, I’m fine of course, just so annoying. Seriously it’s only the kind of luck I could have.

Anyways! You know what time it is, obviously. What was your favourite song this week? Do you wear glasses? And a Rosekiller relation question for ya, what are some of their quirks/bad habits? (e.g.: biting nails, picking at skin, etc. etc. you get the idea) 🎤

OH MY GOOODDDDDDDD MIC ANON !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fuck i was so happy to get this message in my inbox but as i read it my face kinda fell. fuckin hell its been a rough couple of weeks for you. what the hell man. oooohhh i wish i could draw doodles on your cast and tuck you in and give your forehead a kiss. that is an substantial amount of bad luck, for sure, but the way you're going about it says a lot about who you are as a person, which is probably super brave and resilient. i remember when i broke my foot how absolutely simultaneously depressed and delirious i was cause its just so absurd in a way. you find ways to live your life differently, its a whole experience, yknow, living with a cast on or not being able to use one of your limbs. im glad youre okay though but be gentle with yourself cause it does affect our mental health more than we think. give yourself that time to just heal and try not to get too frustrated with yourself. you need time and rest

i hope you're well surrounded or at least i hope you have some support, and im here if you wanna chat. also, im genuinely so shocked and flattered and a little emotional that you would still send me an ask when you just shattered your wrist???? wow. fuck im giving you smooches on the arm. im making you soup im getting things from high places you cant reach im fussing over you like a motherly figure

also im kinda curious (you dont have to answer) but how did this happen?

ok questions. yes. my favourite song this week was this black metal song (im in my winterly black metal phase. happens every january or so) called I Am The Black Wizards by Emperor. its just.... crazy orchestral folkloric screeching overlapping rumbling drums and insane distorted guitars. i just listened to it on repeat while writing and it really inspired the madness in this chapter i just finished. also love listening to it in public with a straight face

i do not wear glasses, no! i have a pair of blue light glasses though that i wear when i write cause im on the computer a lot and i look super sexy in them. i was blessed with very good vision for some reason

and rosekiller quirks!! huh. theres probably a lot. for sure barty vocally stims a lot. i picture him as the guy at the back of the class who makes like annoying ass popping sounds with his mouth or will screech for no reason. he's gotta be humming or inventing new noises at all times. and the thing is about that is that his friends usually like catch onto those noises and will begin to make them as well and it becomes this thing like. his noises make sense and they feel good to make once you start mimicking them. i think he also has an excellent long term memory to the point its scary but his short term memory is fucking ass. like you HAVE to text him to remind him of things or he'll forget. he puts a mug somewhere? forgets it for weeks. has no object permanence so when hes been on his phone for too long he just hides it in a cupboard and completely forgets about it. he's also messy but not dirty. like theres socks everywhere but he scrubs his bathroom for three hours with Pinesol. i could go on and on and on

evan's bad habits are more mental than physical but for some reason i feel like his waking self is completely different from his sleeping self. waking self is very aware of his body language, his posture, the way his face moves, but sleeping him is kicking at your calves, thrashing around, sheets twisted around his legs, his hand finds itself directly in your face and he definitely sleeps in that position where youre on your belly and your leg is up yknow. i think evan is also prone to sighing a lot. he sighs so much and he doesnt notice and its like are you fucking okay?? can you stop sighing like youre a poor victorian woman withering away from broken heart? lastly i think evan does pick at his lip skin but only in private. he doesnt really do stuff in front of others like that. but he will pick it until it feels smooth and its bleeding in three places but at least it feels smooth (i do this)

thank you so much for keeping me updated on your life mic anon i feel very honoured. hope you have a good recovery

[thatone-highlighter]

I love thinking about how when given the chance, people will almost always choose to help other people. People like to be kind. People like to be helpful. We aren’t made for cruelty we’re made for holding eachother and sharing food and telling stories

[not-so-innocent-bi-sander]

Okay so, I said a little while back that i’d write up a thing about everything thats been going on with me and alright here we go.  I’ve been pretty MIA since.. I mean, this whole year so far. So let’s get into... That. - preface, nothing awful, just stress and me kind of just letting it all out.

Okay so. I’d been wanting to move out my place for a while, and we started looking into looking for somewhere starting back in January. We’re in Southern California - San Diego area, which is.. Expensive. We basically live at the beach in a really nice beach city. So looking for a new place was just disheartening. Everything is absolutely crazy expensive and super tiny for the price. I ended up having a whole break down and some amazing friends talked me through it.. And they put the idea of leaving the state in my head. I would have never in my life considered leaving California, i’ve literally never lived farther than an hour from the hospital where I was born. But.. The more I thought about it and talked to my husband.. The more sense it made.  - My family is sucky, theyre the main suck on my mental health. I work for my grandparents and one of my uncles, theyre the angriest loudest most conservative least trusting... I need to get out of there. I don’t have any friends anywhere near me, i’m by myself all the time.. It just made sense to get out of here. So we started looking for a place we could move to. To summarize that whole process, we eventually landed on North Carolina, because my husband could keep his job, theres a nearby office for the company he works for out there. And I’ve been to Charlotte before, I really liked it there. So now we’re looking in NC. We got a realtor - who I adore by the way, he’s a gorgeous gay man with an adorable husband, we’re all friends now, we’re gonna have game nights - and started looking for houses. In the meantime of all that, we start figuring out how to sell our place. We already had a realtor through family, the one who helped us get our condo in the first place. So he’s giving us dates and times to have things done.. and suddenly we have to pack up our whole place in a couple weeks and that was some of the most stressful time of my life. We had to get it cleaned and fixed up and packed and figure out where our things were gonna go and.. we get that all worked out in the end. Storage unit, get the place up for sale, i had to pay to ship a bunch of my mom’s stuff to her -that she was storing at my house against my will.. The plan is to stay at my in laws house in the mean time. (Which i do not want to do but we dont have any other options) So we get out of our place and immediately fly out to NC for four days (That was a bad plan, the day we had to be out of our place we were also getting on a plane so that was really stressful), we looked at so many places.. Didn’t find anything. So we had to come back, figure out a few more things, stay at my in laws in the mean time.  - my in laws house is not a good place for me. My mother in law’s favorite child happens to be my husband, and i’m the one who’s “taking him away.” And now she sees me every day. She makes snide comments, always kind of tries to plant seeds of ‘maybe you shouldn’t go,’ rants at me about weird shit.. My father in law smokes like a chimney, and the house smells bad. He smokes outside but also in the only bathroom downstairs and i’m pretty sure also in their room upstairs. None of them can smell it anymore but I literally had a migraine every day for the first several days of being there because of the smell. I bought an essential oil diffuser thing, just to get good smell into the air, and i bought a pendant that you can put a few drops in to just have a little ‘smell shield’ around myself. My husband bought a big ass air purifier and it is the best thing that has happened to me. But its in one room - thankfully it’s at least like a second living room upstairs. So i hide from everyone in my one room i can comfortably exist in, just waiting to get out of here. - of course when we got home with the air purifier my mother in law was like *gasp* but he only smokes in the bathroom! And they just have no idea that is has permeated their whole house since he’s been doing this for two decades now. They have lectured me more than once about weird shit, and incorrect shit at that. Only when my husband leaves the room, i’m sure that’s *coincidental.* They give me a hard time for things that don’t apply to me? Like being picky about vegetables - which i’m not, i eat basically all vegetables, it’s their son thats picky. They’ve more than once made food that i can’t eat. Like ‘if i eat this i will go to the ER’ can’t eat. Or they’ll Eat before I get home. My husband won’t, but theyll just not care to wait for me. And it just.. sucks. It hurts. we sell the condo. It’s our’s, but the way that it works is that my grandparents bought it and we were paying our ‘mortgage’ to them, but they told me they’d be putting it into my name. They didn’t, for four years. And now that it’s sold, technically it’s their’s. So they are supposed to give us the money from the sale, but my grandfather is dragging his feet a bit and... I need that money, dude. I have a lot of things I need to fix and I need that money to do it.  we stay here at my in laws for a couple weeks and then fly back out to NC to look again, but for a week this time. I also sprained my knee right before we had to leave, so I got to do a lot of fun stuff in a knee brace. But we actually found a house that we love. I was worried we might not get it, but we did! We got a house! We’re gonna move. - assuming that the money thing and all that shit works out, which lets not think about that. 

In the mean time, my arm is super jacked up, it’s numb all the time, I have a weird thing with one of my fingers.. And they want me to have surgery on it, but i’m not sure if it’s going to happen with me moving so soon. So.. we’ll see what happens with that, I guess. my work is still hell, but i’ve figured out when i’m done - my last day will be the 23rd, and everything works out then the house will be our’s officially on the 27th. So working all that out.. trying to figure out the logistics of when i’ll be out there, moving everything in, anything about the house that needs doing before we move in.. I’m just stressed and tired. But we’re close. We’re gonna get out of here and I think things will get better. I think we’re on the verge of.. Good.  Also i’ve been doing beads, i picked up finger knitting a little bit, and i’ve been overhauling my Animal Crossing island.. I haven’t been able to get to writing, just too much stress. But I have been coming up with concepts and ideas.. I want to write, i’m still going to be writing, i’m not done. I just.. Dude i’m exhausted and i’m trying my best out here. 

[the-side-charactersloveinterest]

Scott Pilgrim

Okay, I think anyone who has read the Scott Pilgrim books knows what I'm saying when I say the movie is absolutely horrible. they keep a lot of the comic references but are we not gonna talk about all we missed? A bit of backstory on why I haven't posted about this stupid book yet. My Ex has had my 3 books in her sister's closet for 4 months and I just now got them back. Anyway back to what I was saying.

For starters we can talk about Kim. in the Movie she really just feels like a side charter you don't get much of her backstory all we really know is that she is a band drummer. Now Kim is actually really relevant in the books and she ties in with a lot of Scott's past. we learn more about Scott and what is going on with his shitty past relationships. We actually find out they dated in the books and theirs an entire story behind that. The back story clears up a lot when it comes to a charter that is not actually in the movies. Lisa, ALSO it's so sad that I didn't see her when I was looking at the charter list on the wiki. She has an entire storyline in the books and it was just thrown away for the sake of time probably. In the books, Scott and Ramona also had a house together and he got locked out of the hose for a really long time and was couch surfing for a hot second. the band recorded a CD and posted an entire album. ext... a lot of things happened in the book that would have improved the movie.

The movie was sucky and cheap but at least the acting was okay... it was honestly not the best but that's okay now time for the actual topic of this post.

SCOTT IS NOT OKAY YALL

He dated a 17-year old that doesn't just make him a pedo but altogether a creep. he has some serious mental illness in the book, and I know the dark Scott is supposed to be everything that he repressed from altogether being a bad person. He was dealing with his inner self actually his inner self was one of the longest battles he faced in the book. Kim even had to remind him of what happened in the past in the real light. from Scott's point of view, you get this epic story of saving Kim in a bad situation with a guy, and from Kim, you get the real story not covered by Scott's hero view on things. It is actually kind of interesting how Scott represses his memories the entire book up until the end. in the book you get a really good realization arc. he has some really good development and only when he forgives himself for everything that he has done in the past can he move on. Remona completely leaves him for a good year in the books because he has this thing where she just up and leaves people. She does it all the time its really bad but we aren't talking about how toxic she is. Scott is not a good person and to be honest, if you look at the book as a whole you could see him as the tragic hero he just doesn't die.

My favorite example of a tragic hero is John Proctor from "The Crusabil" The play is about the Salem witch trials and he is pretty much the main charter. now, why am I applying this to Scott Pilgrim? Because I need a tragic hero and John is the only one that I can think of okay? In the play, it was all his fault that the trials actually happened. He had a romantic affair with a housemaid (She was 17) when his wife was ill. When Liz his wife was no longer ill she let Abby go and Abby hoping that she could kill Liz tried to curse her. A lot more happens but what I really want to bring up is the fact that Scott and John have a lot in common! They are both pedos! hate to say it but it's true. The difference is that Abby tried to kill Liz..... jk Knives wanted to battel Ramona. In the books, I'm pretty sure if you lose a battle you die? But dont @ me on that I know in the books you can get a extra life and stuff and thats pretty cool. I cant seem to remember if they added that detail in the movie or not.

To be honest commpaing Scott to a trajic hero is kinda funny to me i will not lie he is probmatic as hell but like that is what makes a good MC. I guess what im saying is the movie sucked.

Read the books..... Or The Crusabil. Both are so much better then the Scott Pigrim movie.

[savvysass]

i promise you critiquing an irondad fic isn’t the end of the world chill out

Ok. Since this is an opportunity to explain the issue with what she did, I am going to give you a very detailed answer to why I flipped out the way I did.

What fromsiberia did was NOT a critique. It was HATE.

I am a professional artist with a bachelors in fine art, and one of the classes we had to take in school to get a fine arts degree in my major was called “media literacy”. In this class we examined the ethics of media and how to properly engage with media.

One of the things we learned was the ethics and structure of critiques.

The very first thing you learn about critiques is that a true critique is made for the betterment of the creator.

Fromsiberia broke this rule right off the bat by posting this critique without the author’s name, without the title of the work, and put it on a public forum in the template of a callout post. She then, and this is what my biggest issue is, put it in the fucking tag.

That would be like publishing a book, calling it “everything wrong with that one book, you know the one” and placing it right next to the original work with the intention of hurting the author and devaluing the work. It is HATE. Pure and simple.

Now, that is not to say that you can’t be displeased with a work. You absolutely can! I have tons of fics that i go to my friend and say “gosh this fic was fucking awful can you believe they did xyz? Total bummer.” And thats FAIR. You are allowed to read something and dislike it and vent about how much you hated it. You just dont do that PUBLICLY. keep it in the chat, bros.

Now i will move on to a helpful portion and how to learn from this situation: what defines a GOOD CRITIQUE.

The first thing you need to know about good critiques is that NOT EVERYONE IS ACCEPTING OF THEM. people are all in different stages in their journeys as creators, and sometimes these people are in a stage where they are simply building confidence, not skill. This does not mean they are not skilled, and some of the best creators in the world still go through confidence phases where they are simply looking for acceptance of their work, not advice to make it better even if it is well intentioned and maybe even completely valid. Its like when someone gets in trouble after something unfair happened to them. Sometimes they are not looking for solutions to make it better, and just want to vent about how sucky the situation is. They are not solution-oriented. Sometimes all an author is in the mindset to hear is that they did a good job, and often they request that is all you say, such as dont like, dont read. Those people are not in a position to accept critique, and if you are a good critiquer, you will accept that and leave them alone.

If your creator is asking for critique, such as saying “tell me what you think!” “Tell me your ideas!” “Constructive criticism welcome!”, you can then post a GOOD AND CONSTRUCTIVE CRITIQUE by following this format:

1) start with at least 2 or 3 positive points.

This is perhaps the most important part of a good critique because it establishes that you have the author’s best interest in mind and are not simply there to tear them down. If you can’t find it in your heart to say 2 or 3 nice things about a work, even as simple as “love the title” or “great sentence structure!” Then you are not here to help the author and need to move on and do something else.

2) Preface any critique with words such as “if it were me” or “in my opinion” so you make it clear that you are not saying your critique is perfect and the only correct way to do it. Follow it with an idea to fix it if you can.

People in my school would get horrible reputations for being bad critiquers when they would just come up and say “its better if you do this. You should do this.” Your opinion is not the law of the land. Just because you have an idea does not mean that is the best solution. A true critiquer lets the creator make their own content and offers solutions the creator can shape and mold in their own way to make their own creations. Do not shove your opinion down their throats.

3) being confused about a plot point or feeing like there is a plot hole does not mean it is wrong.

One of the things that pissed me off with that girl was she acted like that one plot hole that she decided must not have an answer made the fic completely unreadable and that it was her duty to make sure other people knew it sucked instead of politely asking the author “im a bit confused why the avengers didnt tell tony the truth. Could you explain your thinking?” THAT is the correct way to state that question (again with that being only part of ur critique) so that the author can EXPLAIN THEMSELVES or LEARN TO FIX IT.

4) thank the author for the content. Let them know you appreciate the hard work they did, even if you found places for improvement

This once again is one of the most important part of the critique and shows your true intentions to the author. It proves you are not simply here to break down their creation and whine about stuff you didnt like. A lot of work went into making the work, and you should acknowledge that.

Now, not every comment has to be a critique. I often dont have the time or energy to leave a critique on every fic i like, so i just keysmash and yell at the author for making me feel things. However, if you are going to tell the author things you didnt like or think they can improve on, follow a true critique format so you dont hurt the author and give yourself a bad reputation.

Now, for the creators, you are going to get bad critiques. You are going to get rude comments about how your work sucks or even call out hate like fromsiberia did to that story. Being able to handle it gracefully is hard, but you can learn from bad critiques and even hate like this. Look at what the point of their rant is. Is what they are saying, despite how mean and rude, a valid observation? Even after reading how awful fromsiberia’s post was, i agreed that it was a choice i didnt understand that the author did not explain why the avengers didnt tell tony who peter was. As i am forming my critique for the piece, i will include that in there. I may even offer a solution if i can think of one like fromsiberia did. You need to take your emotions away and try to learn from hate and bad critiques if you can handle it, and try to better yourself from them. If you improve despite the hate, then you have come out on top.

Tldr: good critiques are for the betterment of the creator. What fromsiberia did was not at all intentioned to help the creator make better content and was simply made to tear down the hard work that was put into it and posted on a public forum without giving the author a chance to learn from or even see their response, and that is why it is hate.

[b00bconnoisseur]

60 questions for @not-my-brain

1. selfie.......Ugghhhh ok. Imma take one rn

Ok here u go (yes thats a bmth shirt)

2. what would you name your future kids?.....Ooo hmmm well when i was a kid i really liked the names disney, and mesiah. I didn't know at the time that mesiah was another name for god i think lol. I liked it cause of handlers mesiah. I still do. Ooo and maybe Tj too

3. do you miss anyone?......Yeah. My friends on Pinterest from a year ago. My friend lucas. Stan lee. Bob ross. My cousin who died from cancer some years ago. Snape. Sirius. Lupin. Tonks. Dobby. *continues to name every unfortunate death in hp*

4. what are you looking forward to?.......SE-YA next month!! Its the south eastern young adult festival at this college. You can have meet n greets with authors and alot of stuff its the besstttt

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?......DEFINATELY. @dirtysocke @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye @cristal-kyd1280 @sammchenry my friend lucas and @septembersbloom. ^^

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?..... What like...romantically? Or like a death? If romantically uhhh idk it took over a couple weeks but im ok now. Ive never had another relationship so idk. If death oof yeah idk maybe. Ig it depends on how much i knew them idk. Like when my nanny (great grandma) died i was sad for days (is that alot?)

7. what was your life like last year?.....Sucky af. Still is. But the highlights of my life last year was getting and making friends on tumblr, going to the tøp concert and going to warped tour, volunteering at the library, going to seya and meeting some of my favorite authors, reading, changing and improving my art, listening to all the bands i listen to now, getting into more fandoms, going to a friends house for the first time

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?.......Yes lol. Some years ago when i couldn't find smtn id be so annoyed and pissed id start crying. I dont now but still lol

9. who did you last see in person?.......Hm ig family doesn't count....? Wait do u mean a friend? If so uhh my friends rebekah, anika, and Judah at a TAB meeting at the library sometime last month.

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?......I think so? Like i mean I can hide whenever i get my....time of the month from my mom (talking abt stuff like that with her makes me uncomfortable) and i hid a breakup. And other p big stuff too. So imma say yeah

11. are you listening to music right now?........*pops on earbuds after reading this* yee im listening to bitch lasagna by pewdiepie xD (do i have the best spotify playlist or what?)

12. what is something you want right now?.......To hug @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye but SOMEONE has to live so far away

13. how do you feel right now?........Happy that my earbud still works cause they got washed in the wash yesterday....oops. Its not my fault. I told my dad to remind me to take it out of my jacket pocket before they threw it in but noooooo he forgot

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?.......Uhhhhh fuck idk it was probably from my lil 4 yr old bro sometime last week. Other than him (hes my favorite sibling) i dont let them hug me too much

15. personality description.......Nerdy. Fangirl. "Emo". Tomboy. Hotsause obsessed. Book lover. Music lover. Black. Blue. Harry potter. Introvert. Fall. Sports. Values friendship. Loyal. Uhhhh i cant think of much lol

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?.......*sigh* yes. Yes yes yes. Theres some things abt me, or my life really, that i havent told anyone on here or my irl friends that i sooooo want to so bad but i haven't cause i feel like they'd feel bad and pity me and i don't want that

17. opinion on insecurities........I dont really understand this one. Everyones insecure abt something. Is this askin like if i think its ok or not? I say its ok. Im insecure about literally everything about me. My face. My personality. My socialness. My art. What i do. What i say. Basically my whole body. The things i feel good abt are my books, music taste, and my friends (ily fuckers)

18. do you miss how things were a year ago?.........Hmm this time around a year ago....idk its sorta the same but all the stuff i mentioned abt my year from last year didn't happen yet so nah tho my life sucks rn its better than this time last year

19. have you ever been to New York?........Nooo but i want too soo baddd i wanna visit @septembersbloom !! Im coming for ya soon gramps *does the eye watching thing* my dads been to nyc before tho cause he does construction and he had a concrete job to do there. It was a 23 hr drive for him

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?........Uhhh idk!!! So hard! Maybe.....the whole thats the spirit album by bmth ;)

21. age and birthday?.....15 yrs of age and September 27th 2003 (whats yours brainy? I'll put it on my calendar)

22. description of crush......Its weird idk im not sure if its a genuine crush or not but uh....They like hp :).Thats all u get

23. fear(s).......Losing my best friend @dirtysocke and my other friends. Death. Failure. Momo chasing after me then killing me slowly keeping my eyes open to look her dead in the eyes while i die

24. height......5'6 call me short and I'll fuck u up with THIS *pulls out trusty potato peeler named now steve* dont test me boi

25. role model......Hhhhhhhh so many! But uh gosh one of them is @superraedizzle (youtuberrrr) and vexx and bob ross and da vinci and aaaaaaa so many

26. idol(s)......First person that immediately comes to mind is @sammchenry cause he's super cool and he's really nice and his art's reallyyy good (if u havent seen it w-w-what are u even doin with your life?) And he has a great sense of humor and *continues to ramble about why samms the best*

27. things i hate.......Dabs. Transphobes. Homophobic ppl. Basically any hate on the lgbtq+ community. Bullies. The ship starker. Umbridge. Snape haters

28. i’ll love you if….....U you'll eat pizza, draw, and rp harry potter with mee

29. favourite film(s)......Fantastic beasts. Every hp film. Twilight. The maze runner 1-2. The hunger games. Spiderman homecoming. Kingsman: secret service. Into the spideyverse tho i havent seen it yet

30. favourite tv show(s)......Inkmasterrrrr. B99. The mick. The middle. Uhhh idk mostly ink master xD

31. 3 random facts........Ive never had shrimp. I had a beta fish for over a year once. Im eating pizza crust rn

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?.......G i r l s. I have all girl friends irl and one boy. And on tumblr it seems like i just meet girls? Likei agree with @cristal-kyd1280 its like alot more gals then dudes here. But i do have some guy friends on here too. But mostly girls

33. something you want to learn.......TO DRAW ANATOMY DAMMIT

34. most embarrassing moment........Every moment of my lifes an embarrassing moment. Idk of i can pick a "most" embarrassing one. But one time i i sent my crush (now ex bf) a hey fuckface and like some hearts or whatever for an ask game that meant like "i have a crush on u" "youre adorable" etc and said Hewo but i did it all anonymously. But he confronted me askin if i sent it cause im the only person he knows that actually says hewo lol. Then later on i finally admitted i really liked him and well y'all know the story after i think. Unless you're new

35. favourite subject.......A R TTTT OFC

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?........meet my friends on tumblr. Get into mtsu (college i wanna go to) and study art. And go skydiving

37. favourite actor/actress........favorite actor uhhhhhh probably thomas brodie sangster or tom felton and my favorite actress? Hmmm idk maybe evanna lynch (luna lovegood)

38. favourite comedian(s).......probably kevin hart lol he's p funny

39. favourite sport(s)........basketballllllll and football

40. favourite memory........uhhhhh idk?? One oh my favorite memories was when we went to see tøp in concert

41. relationship status.....single as a pringle

42. favourite book(s)......harry potter and the order of the pheonix. Harry potter and the half blood prince. Simon vs the homo sapiens agenda. Divergent. Maze runner. Twilight. Fangirl. Fallen. Red queen

43. favourite song ever.......TOO HARD DONT MAKE ME CHOOSEEEEEE

44. age you get mistaken for.........16 and 17 sometimes lol

45. how you found out about your idol........i was watching someone on yt and superraedizzle always poped up in my feed and my mom turned on one of her vids cause she always saw her vids too now ive seen most of em i love her. Id heard of vexx but never watched him and i was watching a collab from anthony miller art and shrimpy and i checked out shrimpys channel and was lookin at comments and alot of ppl said his art is like vexxs so i checked out vexx. At first i was like eh ok. Now i cant click fast enough when he posts a vid. And i actually fpund out about bob ross from my grandpa on jan 20 2017 when trump was getting sworn in or whatever. We turned on pbs and my grampa told me to look and bob ross was on and i was IN. I loved it. I even started watching full episodes on YouTube of the joy of painting after that. Wonderful man. My first painting i ever did i think was when i followed one of his tutorials xD (i didnt know it was popular at the time)

46. what my last text message says......."ok your turn"

47. turn ons.....uhh nerds ig idk um book lovers, music lovers, art lovers, potterheads, idk and nice ppl

48. turn offs......jerks. Homophobia. Idk ig whatever i said in things i hate

49. where i want to be right now......uhhhh idk wait didn't i already answer this? Ok this ones different ig so uhh with my friend lucas

50. favourite picture of your idol.....oh shit...favorite? Idk xD i have a fave of vexx but not of rae or bob. But heres pics of them any way

51. starsign......a libraaaaa boiii

52. something i’m talented at......drawing and speed reading. Thats about it lol. Oh and procrastina

53. 5 things that make me happy.......ooooo art, my friends here on tumblr, books, harry potter, and music ^^

54. something thats worrying me at the moment.....if my friend thinks im being annoying

55. tumblr friends......hhhhh so manyyyyyy. @dirtysocke @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye @cristal-kyd1280 @chinesewaffles2 @kingantlion @queen-baelin @sammchenry @septembersbloom and more

56. favourite food(s)......green beans, pepperoni pizza, and vanilla madelines

57. favourite animal(s).......basically any reptile. Puppies. Cats. Any animal really but my #1 are snakes

58. description of my best friend.....well she's a tiny bean (5 feet) and she has dark hair, she wears glasses, she doesnt take shit, she's in love with Josh dun, she's awesome, funny, nice (YES youre nice jackie) and shes the best friend ive ever had. Oh. And she has a weird obsession with spaghetti

59. why i joined tumblr.......well i heard abt it on Pinterest over a year ago but didnt want it. Then @mrfastbass-deactivated20181231 on DeviantArt said he got tumblr so i made one then followed him and figured id just post art and that's it cause i thought tumblr was boring as hell when i first got it. Now im p much obsessed with it

60. ask me anything you want.......go ahead brainy shoot. Give me smtn good

[flyingcookierambles]

i made a fool of myself on snapchat over a movie lol

so basically my mom ordered the movie a wrinkle in time from the library. by which i mean, she wanted to see the new one because it has oprah in it and she loves oprah. now, what we didn’t realize is that there are TWO wrinkle in time movies.

also for context, i have ad block on youtube. i use my aunt’s netflix. i dont really watch live tv anymore. so, because of these factors, I HAD NEVER SEEN A COMMERCIAL FOR THE NEW WRINKLE IN TIME MOVIE. I DIDNT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT OR WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE. (i think i actually did see some tumblr post about the new one and black panther tho and how the two movies had african american directors but ill get to that later.)

so we go to the local library and order the wrinkle in time movie because we assume that since its been out for like a month or two that it would be out on dvd n blu ray already and we’d just save money this way. so, the librarian orders it for us and we go back like a week later to pick up the movie. now, this box looked pretty sucky. once we put it in the tv the screen said that this was a special version meant for educational classroom showing. now the movie was this thing.   

according to wikipedia and movie imdb, this is a not-very-good made for tv movie from 2003.

at this point, the only thing my mom told me about the movie was that oprah was in it and that it might be about time travel. so on snapchat, me being the idiot i was, took some pictures of my tv during the movie playing and i wrote stuff like “wow i really like the 90′s aesthetic” and “huh even the noise and lighting and stuff really does look like it came from the 90′s.” even when the kids travelled to another world the first time, i thought that incredibly bad CGI was like intentional. yes, i even thought that this very very scary horse with a human face was intentional. 

now the reason that i thought this crappiness was intentional because of the recent boom in nostalgic stuff. by which i mean, shows like stranger things, mindhunter, the americans (that one set in the cold war 1950′s), the continuation of twin peaks, GLOW, etc. basically, since i was at this point still an idiot, i assumed that they would travel to the “future” (today) like tomorrowland and then the image quality and cgi graphics would improve to be more “modern.” you know, like how in the wizard of oz, once dorothy got to oz the image became color? that’s basically kind of what i thought would happen to represent that traveling happened. 

SO

when it turned out that they DON’T time travel, but travel to different worlds and stuff like some yggdrasil tree walker, I WAS SO CONFUSED.

at this point too, i remembered the tumblr post about how the wrinkle in time (2018) and black panther were both by african american directors and how the movies were good because they could pave a way for more diversity in hollywood directors (which honestly that’d be great bc im so tired of like whitewashin and yellowface and getting crap like ghost in the shell and the netflix death note but i feel like i could just complain about that on some other post). so i then was just like, huh, uhh, most of the characters in this are white people, i thought a movie by a wpoc would have more diversity in it. the main characters are a white family and stuff so i was just more confused. 

also, at this point my mom complained that she hasnt seen oprah yet and she said, “i think the librarian gave us the wrong movie.”

but we continued watching b/c we hate ourselves and wanted to torture our minds with IS THIS THE RIGHT MOVIE OR NOT???

anyways by the end of the movie i googled a wrinkle in time and learned that there was a 2003 version. and at this point i also made some posts about it and now im sure that my friends that saw them at this point just think that im an idiot for not realizing that the crappy cgi was not intentional and that this movie looks nothing like, well, whatever the new 2018 version is. 

ANYWAYS IM LIKE SUPER EMBARRASSED ABOUT NOT REALIZING THAT WE GOT THE WRONG VERSION AND NOW MY FRIENDS PROBS THINK IM LIKE RLLY DUMB AND I JUST WANNA CRAWL IN A HOLE AND DIE QUIETLY LOLLL

[editorialsonlife]

Big brain dump

Scroll past coz this isn’t going to be fun. I have literally set the mood for this. Emo music is on. Curtains are shut. Candles are going. Word vomit commence. Yeah, I’m feeling a little dramatic at the moment. SO BE IT. 

ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE STRESSING ME THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW

I am tired. I’ve had a low grade headache for weeks now. I need a massage but can’t afford one. 

Finances. 

Immediate. I’m in debt again. My credit card is sitting at about $700. I owe Dave 3000. I don’t have enough to buy new make up or get my hair done so those will be going on the credit card as well to be paid off later on. I never feel like I have enough money for everything I need to pay for. All our insurance premiums are due again and I don’t think we’ve got enough money to cover them all which is shit and the flat account has kind of been tapped out and although we’ve got the $20k revolving credit I don’t wanna tap into that. 

I’m meant to be going to fieldays which will be fun but again, $0 budgeted for that so that’s going on the credit card and being on the float just sucks.At least we’re not paying for accommodation (thank u friends) but food and petrol etc still need to be paid for. I need some winter clothes as well coz I’m too fat for my old ones. I’m terrified I’m going to need a full medical again because it’s only going to make our insurance premiums higher again uuuggggggh.  money. 

Longer term, I don’t know how the F we’re going to afford a wedding in 2 years and kids in 5. Like, I actually just don’t know how to do it and like rationally I know what I need to change because it’s not like we’re destitute but also spending money is probably the only coping mechanism keeping me together right now and thats a bitch so I don’t know how that’s going to change. 

Weight. 

Fuck I’m fat at the moment. I’m still 100kgs despite working out consistently for the last few months so that’s really shit and Dave’s all I’VE LOST 7KGS and like, congrats bro but that’s unhelpful here. and I’m 100% sure that this lack of weight loss is down to stress and hormones and shit things that like, having your life under control will resolve but that’s clearly not fucking happening right now and I don’t know how to switch out of it and get my brain back to normal. How the fuck I managed to live like this for 2 years in a row is beyond me. I don’t want to get married being all fat and flabby and gross because I just feel uuughgggghhh and it’s unpleasant. 

Health. 

Not unrelated to weight but bigger picture. I’m over having sore feet and a tight chest because sleeping on my side is clearly bad for my posture and my neck and shoulders are so tight because I’m so wound up all the time. Unhealthy. Need to go and see a naturopath to get some additional support but can I afford that? no. need to go and see someone to talk to about all of this and can’t afford that either so that’s really unhelpful. I’ve been having random chest pains which I’m90% sure is related to the whole side sleeping/very tight shoulders scenario so I hope that’s all it is. at least when I got all my tests done back in feb? march? they were all clear and happy so there shouldn’t be anything major going on which is a relief. 

Also have yet to get my flu jab so that’s a bit of a fail. 

Let’s all have a moment in the middle of this to appreciate bon iver because FAB MUSIC

Weddings/marriage/relationships/wedding planning

wow. there’s a lot tied up under this heading. See also health/weight/finances in terms of affording it. but like, in a wider sense, at least I’ve figured out that I want an overseas wedding because then I’ll be on holiday and relaxed and feeling like my best self when it happens. I’m so over Dave’s parents telling us we can’t go overseas because it’s unfair on people and we shouldn’t impose on them like that and like, for sure, fine, but also it’s the only way we’re going to cull the guest list and also ITS OUR FUCKING WEDDING. This is why I’m not taking any money from them for it because it’s just ridiculous and I am not giving them the slightest bit of control over it at all. so there’s that side of it. 

Money wise, I don’t know how to pay for it. We want to extend the house and redo the kitchen and bathroom etc, and that’s basically the cost of the wedding. and I know it doesn’t need to be a big one and we don’t need to spend a bunch of money on it but ya know what? I love my friends and I want to have a fab day and I want it to be special and funnily enough that costs money. So be it. 

in terms of marriage overall, turns out I may have some left over feelings from the parents splitting up. and what it actually means to be married. and do I even want to be married and is this even the right thing for me? I’m so over being told that Dave and I are the perfect couple and just being under so much pressure from everyone. Like, what if it doesn’t work out? what then? stop telling us we’ll never be happy unless we’re together thats such a load of shit. 

Does it fundamentally change anything? probably not. it’s just another piece of paper. but we’ve always planned this relationship so it would be easy to walk away and now all of a sudden that’s changing. and I dont want to ever be a couple that stays together because of a piece of paper, I want to be a couple that chooses to stay together because we love each other and we want to. not because we’re obligated to. And much and all as our parents are great, they’re not exactly role models of ongoing loving relationships and I don’t want to end up there and I just don’t know what to do about it or how to change it. and I’m so frustrated with myself coz everyone’s like THIS IS AMAZING and it is and I love him and I should be excited as well and I’m just like, everyone fuck off already because I’m done with listening to all your shit and I can’t even sort myself out. 

work

oooooooh work. Careers. purpose. enjoyment. Who the fuck would know how to create one of them. I’m so annoyed I didn’t just go into accountancy or law with a direct and linear career path and I don’t know how to market my skills properly and I’m so sick of works bullshit. I was in Koru last night with Rhys and Murray and they’re just so full of bullshit. like, I get that you’ve got to sell stuff to staff, but don’t sit there and pretend that they don’t know they’re being sold to. because they do, and there’s actually going to be a revolt on your hands in about 4 months time when the shit song you’ve been singing comes back around to bite you in the ass. Your staff aren’t stupid and yet you’re treating them like they are and that’s a problem. a big one. 

job hunting

Let’s not even talk about this one because it’s just sucky and shitty and I don’t know how to network and I don’t know how to explain my skills to future employers so that they’re marketable and I fit their stupid boxes and I hate references and I just. hate. the process overall. it’s just horrible. 

Especially given how much of my self worth is tied up in my employment it appears. Which is another thing I need to work on. 

adult life

Owning a house just comes with a never ending to do list, honestly. I think I’ll try and paint the bedroom wall this weekend for some fun. I also need to apply for a bunch of jobs at some stage, and follow up with a lady about mentoring. Should really go back and see Anne again but $$$$$. fun times. finding time to balance everything is really hard work. 

WELL. This has been a post. it’s kind of nice to get it all out of my head and onto a screen? Props to anyone who managed to make it through this word vomit. you’ve done well. 

[perfectionistincrisis]

-2-

now this sucks. the patient my friend had to write a case report about was a very very sick one with a lot of problems. i dont know if he could talk. so he had a maid with him at the hospital. his parents used to visit him. when my friend went to take history, she found the maid and she figured that the maid must speak in hindi or bangle which i would be able to understand so i could help her because the maid didnt know english or arabic well. so i went to the washroom and as soon as i came out she just pulled me to the patients room and goes like, help me please ‘-’ and i was totally cluless. i had no idea what was the nationality of the maid but when she saw me she started talking in hindi which i understand but find difficulty in talking though. so i kind of managed to translate whatever i understood. and then suddenly i notice bangla writings on a paper the maid was holding so i asked her if shes bangladeshi and she said yeah. so i told her im bangladeshi too and bam. she asked me where im from in bangladesh and i told her so and she started telling where she is from. but to be honest i dont know much about bangladesh nor do i have any interest about the country. to add to that i was born here and i sued to visit there during vacations and it has been around 3 years i havent been there either thank god. anyways so before she could keep talking about bangladesh, i told her that i was brought up here so i dont know much about bangladesh. 

She then asked me the. most. weirdest. question. Eveeeeer

she asked me if i am a muslim? 

well it was the most weirdest thing for me, cause i dont think i ever heard that question being asked to me ever. infact, sure as hell, this is not a question id expect in a million years if i am in my hijab. well i got shocked and i looked at her and made a face and i was like ‘yes’ and then she started to ask me, then why am i wearing these clothes? - Okay, so i was wearing scrubs and a labcoat on top just to be clear - and i was like, ‘what type of clothes?’ and shes goes like ‘these. you are supposed to wear an abaya on top of it. muslims shoudnt wear these’ - so after she said that i just looked away from her and towards my friend helping her to figure out what the cartons beside the patients bed were. they looked like liquid supplement to give to the patient. I tried to avoid any eye contact or talk with that lady and kept telling my friend to finish her shit asap cause i want to leave. well then all of a sudden the lady asked me - did you mind what i said? i said so because as muslims you have to cover and ---- and i interrupted her asking ‘we have to what?’ so she said ‘we have to cover’ and i went like ‘so am i not covered?’ and she went like, - but your clothes are not loose, you have to wear an abaya on top of these. - and I just looked away again. and then my friend had some more ws to ask her about the patient and then we left. I didnt talk to the lady anymore. 

what she said was stuck in my head. Not because i was worried if i am covering properly or not. but because i felt like she had no right to tell me how i should be dressing. she barely know a single thing about me. she has no idea about my commitment to my God. she has no idea how much effort i personally put to maintain whatever ‘hijab’ i follow. She does not know the struggles i face daily. She has no idea about my life. 

I think it was totally inappropriate for her to throw her opinion on me like that. I am knowledgeable enough to know very well what my religion asks for, and I know very well how much of it I am being able to follow and how much of it i am not being able to do so. But the thing is, we are all struggling. Struggling to be better muslims. I have seen many post on social media saying how to not lay out your opinion to people who have problems in following their religion properly. like people who dont cover, but you never know how religious their minds may be in actual. and then there are people who cover but may be they dont even pray the mandatory five prayers a day. I personally have seen a variety of people. so basically you can not  judge someone about their religious commitment just by their look. And I have also read in a lot of places about how not to make it hard for people who just started to do something new in theire religion - like people who start covering newly or something, and then people start commenting on how they are not covering the right way, or people go like this is not enough, you should also cover your face - this is how society pressurizes a person so much that the person starts to feel low and worthless and most of the time they give up whatever good step they had newly taken in getting closer to God. there are some people who sometimes cover, and sometimes they dont - and yet again we find society talking about how they think if someone cant cover themselves all the time, they shouldnt do it at all - and yet again we are demotivating these weak people who instead need motivation from the people around them. 

in fact, to be honest, after that lady said those stuff to me. my mind got totally messed up - i couldnt concentrate on anything for the rest of the day and even the next day. and then i started thinking about the day before. i mean just a day ago i didnt enter an OR because id have to remove my scarf and although i can use a head cap, there were no disposable scarves to wear and so if i would go, id have to go with my neck exposed which i woudnt agree on. and today a random lady wanted to know if i am even a muslim? like am i doing something wrong? that day i came home and i wasnt feeling good at all. and i dont really listen to songs like for two main reasons - one is that i really dont like it being stuck in my head - i dont like the idea of something else having more control over me than my own self. and secondly, and most importantly, i really dont think i can deal with the extra emotion it brings up depending on the song - also ofocurse, its not really recommended in my religion to listen to songs and i think i understand why. but nonetheless, i do feel like listening to songs very often - i however stop myself from doing so. that particular day, when i was feeling really bad at home, i suudenly felt like listening to some music - and i usualy get that feeling when im down or sometimes tooo excited like right after and exam -- and a really common response is -- ugh nah bleh whatever, i can find some better stuff to do -- but that day, i was telling myself that, does it even matter? i mean a lady things i dont even cover properly so maybe i should listen to songs too, what difference does it make, i am a sucky muslim anyways.. 

and then all of a sudden it hit me - that i am letting that lady eat up my head. i cant give her that much power. and then i realized this is what people mean when they keep saying to always encourage every single person who is trying to do something good, even though they might not be doing it 100%. so it took some time, but slowly i got over it. like i said, i personally have seen and know a lot of people and ik how you can not just judge them by the looks. and i personally dont do that. and now that i have felt victim of such a situation, i will make sure i dont let myself feel low if something like this happens again.  

[adnightmist]

Crush stunts

K idk bout the title, just thought it would work but not so sure anymore....

ANYWAY so these things happened a while back but it makes me soft inside so i dont wanna forget them ergo im writing it down.

So my class was sitting in humanities and we were watching a video. My friend sits on a different table tho but i wanted to sit with her. However this guys was ocupying the only table next to her so i couldent be next to her. Then the guy (we'll call him bob) got up and moved to the back of the class to charge his laptop (the cable didnt reach that far to his seat so he had to move) and he asked the teacher who said yes. Now im rlly shy so iw aited a bit to mentaly prepare myself befire asking the teacher if i could move to sit next to my friend. My teachers really nice so she said yes. I got up, took my stuff, and moved. But a lil' background info on bob, hes an asshole. So he says that he changed his mind and sits back in his place and forces me to move. So as i walk back to my seat, my crush points at the seat next to him (ironically where bon was sitting lol) and says 'sit here'. I think my heart skipped a beat lol. Me being the dumb nugget i am askes 'why?' Withoit just TAKING THE OFFER (with a friggen smile like aghhhhh hes gonna find out you like him dipsshhhht) and then he shakes his head and says ges kidding and i know i felt disappointed but im not sure if he caught it on my face so i walk back to my seat and then TEN SECONDS LATER bob moves back to the back of the class. That spITEFUL SONOVA--

Thats actually one of the only propper covis hes started with me.....sad but im so antisicual and hard to talk to that i dont blame him.

K next stories just gonna be a summary. So i had to make to interview and make a poster on my crush (lets call him alvin i guess idk and also same guy from before) and he also had to do the same for me and that was nice but im so shy that i couldent hold eye contact and kept looking away and ughhhh i messed uppppp. No i didnt say something stupid or anything, its just that i missed the opportunity to have. Aproper chat with him by NIT MAKING EYE CONTACT U STUPID, STUPID-

anyway we chanhed our humanities seating plan and i ended up sitting next to Alvin lol

Also Bob once through my book acrossthe room and told alvin to 'catch' and i was having a heart attack cuz i hate my books getting bent but Alvin caught it without damaging it AT ALL and, not gonna lie, i think i like him juuuust a bit more becuase of those mad skillz XD

Also hes almost bummped into me like thrice. Once from being shoved by a friend and the second time by laughing to much. The third time was because he kept stealing my sharpener so i tried to get it back and knocked foreheads with him. I freak out when ever he gets close but luckily he catches himself and moves away. Well idk how much i like the moving away bit but eh

I keep making eye contact with him for like split seconds an then looking away its funny actually lol. When we had our grade camp, i kept making eye contact with him accidentally. >.<

And i think thats most of it. I dont even wanna date him ecen though i like him. I just wanna be friends with him since i think he's a cool person. Idk theres something about him i like, personality wise. Im not attracted to him look-wise (hes not bad looking but its not why i like him) so i just wanna talkkkkkkkkk. Hes popular and has dated a couple of girls so id serioisly have no chance and because im so shy i cant even talk to him. Actually we r both the first people to school in our class and we just sit in silence on our computors until someone else shows up and then he talks to them.

Well theres my sucky love life

[kendrixtermina]

INFP vs. INTP - Another potential distinguisher in the form of “Venting Behavior”

So I read this post recently where the person observed that “Vent Songs” that sorta aim to rile you up or get you to join in are a Fe thing as is “venting” in general, even in lower Fe users. 

Heck, I’m working on an entire Vent- Book at the moment

Of course one person saying it doesn’t mean anything but I’ve thought it over and I though I’m still observing for more data it does seem consistent with my experience so far. In particular it jives with my previous observation that “Hate Songs” & “Musical Pause for Shock value” seem to be lower Fe things. 

Come to think of I saw some other distinguishing writeups mentioning “venting” as a distinction (during those embarassing 3 days a while ago where I briefly considered that I might be xNFP) but the full structure of the statement didn’t stand out to me at the time-

Some of these writeups weren’t exactly correct either (nor is the socionics conception of the inferior and how it would come in here... on the other hand, one concept from there that might or might not be relevant here is ‘role functions are a thing, especially with contact subtypes’), since most INTPs are enneagram 5s (5s generally prefer to process their feelings on their own or with some distance to the situation) - perhaps its different with the 9s (who’d have their own hangups tho) but it would probably not be accurate to say that “You prefer to talk out your feelings with others rather than be left alone” as the ore general Fe description goes. 

So it’s more nuanced, complex & varied (as it often is with the inferior - because of its nature individual biographical factors matter a lot) and I daresay a great percentage of INTP’s aren’t going to be down for sharing (the 5 tendency would be to compartementalize/ have it on your own terms somehow - say, tell the whole thing to strangers on 4chan in all gross detail - indeed it seems to be a commonthing for ppl to dislike it if someone calls attention to their involuntary reactions to stuff. ) but there’s something to be said about “venting” being present as a general tendency even if it presents mostly as a “fuck you too” attitude. 

This also reminds me of this socionics article where - as you may know they tend to conceptualize Fe as being about “changing & influencing the emotions of oneself & others” & in that contexts well Fe doms are very persuasive & good at cheering ppl up (or withering their souls away with judgemental glares, depending, presumably, on their mood and alignment) & at the other end you get “Can’t really change/regulate mood very well  & may treat it as “fixed””( also “might benefit from having a lovely ESFJ to fix that & animate them” because socionics is the crackships fangirl of typology.  Or you know, maybe thats my natural state of existing and there’s nothing to “fix” about it only to manage & read the instruction manual so to speak)

----

So in that sense you could classify both INFPs and INTP (though there’s excetions) as largely fitting the “melancholic” temperament in its “slow but sustained arousal” definition (”Hard to get thm into a particular mood, hard to get them out of it”) - the INFPs because they’re largely doing their own thing independent from the rest of the room & tend to have long-term reactions, the INTPs because there’s a higher threshold to reacting and if they do they may be “stuck” with the reaction for a while

In hindsight I say that a lot like “Hey they can’t turn it off like a button, sometimes this shit dont make sense,  what matters is wether they act on it” [= try to listen to rationality regardless]

I guess part of why this distinction isn’t really out there is that that the genereal gist of how our type’s emotional expression “Well they’re not very expressive at all”, which I suppose might be what some outside perspective might notice, but from a First Person pov this is a tad useless, after all you react when you feel a reaction is merited, same as everyone else.

-----

This isn’t really something I picked up on before reading that because I interpreted things from my own minset were “people obviously do that” & perhaps saw venting as more universal than it is, but in hindsight it seems overwhelmingly true that Fi doms don’t exactly vent or at least not start conversations like “Ughh this thing that happened” - Usually their emotional state is quite apparent, but it’s more indirect like you’ll notice in the kinds of comments they make & how they make it, sure they might talk to you further if you ask without too much pushing. 

Even when they express it indirectly (art & sad blog posts) it’s more of an enclosed, just-for-myself thing telling very specific stories, like all those INFPs post their stuff with no thought that someone (like some Fe user (tertiaries included) who thinks they’re the police or something) may aprroach it and go “Wait do you mean to imply...?!” when that’s not the purpose of their statement. 

(And I was aware of this tendency but I see it in a different light in the realization of how it’s really a different purpose. Also, I always though the subset of FJs who nonstop talk shit about people are the worst kind of FJs. Gotta be careful in the future that I don’t sound like that)

----

I’m not 100% sure especially in how the TJs fit into this. Some of them can have little tolerance for “drama” or just read it as  weakness (8), negativity (1w9) or ingratitude (1w2) though to some extent they’rejust not comfortable to people blowing reactions into the air. That might be enneagram based to some degree the one 5w(cp)6 INTJ I know drips dark sarcasm though more as a way to critique things than personal venting. Still reserving judgement

Or perhaps the difference is more in how the ‘feels discharge’ is supposed to happen - In that Fi users come from a PoV where one person tells their life & the other kinda sits there & absorbs whereas with Fe there’s an expectation of “reaction noises” which the Fi peeps may be annoyed at or... 

I’ve had the situation where I tell a joke and my Fi dom sister stays quiet and I’m like “Sorry was that joke bad?” and she explained that she was just reacting inwardly but totally listening. 

Another thing I’ve observed is Fi users getting worried when their favorite TP is having a sucky day and goes  “AAGHH EVERYTHING ALWAYS SUCKS!” and just voicing that kinda discharged the battery and snaps you bad to SenseMakingMode where they’re able to put the local little annoyance in context, but the Fi user will be all worried because they assume it’s a long-term thing that’s always under the surface because that’s what their feels are generally like. 

[teddy-feathers]

Saw a post "what would you say to your ten year old self?" so... Dont worry so much about being the odd kid out those people are pretty lame and hell dude youll learn this long before you can put it into words but people generally like you if you actively listen to them... But yeah they dont really get invested back. So do what YOU like always. Dont hold back, you did okay about that but theres no point feeling like you're failing. Being social ISNT essential and youre not missing out on much really because again THEYRE kinda lame dude. Like seriously theyre not interested about your books or games or dont want to geek out WITH you? Then... Whats the point? And it sucks i know but you were right all along - do you. Fuck bras, fuck caring about weight, appearance, what other people think about how you look act and like especially fuck your aunt whos going to make you doubt that. Because honestly? Image of you reflecting on the family? ISNT a fucking thing except in very specific instances and you already KNOW that. Look I'm over twice your age now and let me tell you may be i feel a bit weird when i dress uber sloppy/comfy and its the same feeling I get when I dress "fun" but ive never regreted being comfortable in what I wanted to wear. But every time I dress for someone else? For how I should dress? Completely felt like shit the whole time not worth it. Another thing you were right about. The whole "like men but not going to missout on true love or whatever if they happen to be a girl or more than one person or something" THAT yes. Also you dont like guys. Its gross sex stuff I know you dont care about right now, but I know youll want to know in about two years so I'll just say - you dont give two fucks about whats in the other persons pants, what they look like or anything. Hell youre only demiromantic let alone sexual. Hmmm that may not be helpful youre ten and like i said you wont care for two years so how about... You want strong friendships. That love. Sex. Well you know. Youll figure it out and try it out long before youre really ready to know but thats okay. Just. Dont feel bad or obligated to like people back. You just dont and thats okay. You can date friends or not date. No biggy. But that thing youre craving is friendship and youll get it. Dont settle for less though. Another thing youre right about - I'm telling you the things youre RIGHT about so hopefully you REMEMBER them instead of doubting yourself - you dont want to be the center of someones world. You dont want to be responsible for other peoples happiness and YOU DONT HAVE TO BE EVER. And you dont need or have to want anyone to fill you up either. Its totally okay to just want to be you, do your thing, and make friends. I know, i said they were lame right? They dont share your interests. They dont listen. They dont care. I know. It sucks. But dont try to please them by changing you. Dude you meet so many wonderful people who do like things you like. Just. Make friends with people you like. Yes theyre scary and your definition of cool. Its better than being the token girl, making friends with gross people youd rather avoid. News flash: boys arent cool. Girls arent evil. Asshats are asshats reguardless of gender. Again just go talk to people you like and fuck everyone else. Now the really important thing. You love to read. Keep doing that. Steal all the time and dont regret it im so proud of you for being that person. Write. Write your stories and poetry, pretend its class notes, invest in a notebook cause lose paper gets soooo messy and crumples but yeah. Keep writing. No you dont have to know spelling or grammer or anything. Write whatever you want. People who think its stupid? LAME people trust me I know so many COOL talented people now and writing? Writing is cool. And youre good at it. You dont have to share it. But dont think its cringy or stupid. Write. Its really good and... I gave up thinking like that. And now? Now Ive been writing for about a year now. 26 and i have days where every word is a struggle and it sounds bland and boring but... In a year? Ive gotten so much better and people actually like some of my shit. So you just imagine if you keep writing? By the time youre me youll actually have published if you keep going. Keep writing. Because youll have had ten plus years of experience. Lastly... Its okay to not like shit. To be angry upset bored... Yes it makes things easier to find reasons to like what youre doing even though its sucky chores or doing things you didn't want to be doing... But you can hate it. To not what to put up with it. You dont have to shove yourself into a cage and smile and pretend things are okay. Being in trouble doesnt mean your wrong or have to change. Oh hey see if you can learn that sometimes youre not the one in trouble. They are ;) Youre stong. Smart. Clever. Creative. Pretty. Tough. You're a hard worker. Yeah I know I always tried to get out of doing things but dude You - I - We've never done things by halfs. Tend to give our all. No wonder we dont want to do anything huh? Its exhausting. But we keep going. We're stubborn. And... Theres going to be a lot of shit we're going to go through but... Youre always going to make it out to the other side. Youre going to be okay I promise. ... Lying is a problem with us but thats okay. You know why lying what we're always doing? Its because they made the truth the problem for us. If you can... It'll change things and I cant promise you it'll be for the better but... Only lie to protect yourself. Tell the truth when YOU trust people, not to the people you "should" trust - never do things just because you "should" listen to your gut and do what YOU feel is okay or not. - but do try to be honest about other people to yourself and to others. Dont... Lie to protect people. Maybe thingsll get easier if you do. You know how your parents treat you like the worst combination of adult and child? That never changes. Because theyre just kids too. I know they feel like they know and experienced so much so they must be right and you must be wrong but... Theyre kids figuring it out as they go along so SURE theyre right that they fooled you into believing it. They have a good prespective to work from but so do you. Theyre never yelling about you. Its never about you. They love you but that doesnt mean your dads not an asshole. Your moms not always wrong she just gives up arguing. Theyre arguing about the fact they suck at talking to one another and that they each always have to have thier way. It has nothing to do with you. Fuck grades. Just learn what you want. Also just do everything in school and then "do home work" - that is whatever the fuck you want - at home. You DONT have to be busy doing something productive every second but sense thats how they seem to want it, just use it against them. Youre "busy" on "homework" that you already had done so just play you game read write whatever. Fuck grades though. You learn better when you stop caring about them. Dont get sucked into dads humor even if you mean it positively or as a joke. YES its awesome that some people date the same gender as them. YES some girls dont have what you think - think not know - of as girl parts in their pants. YES people cross dress. Hell do it like youre going to want to. It IS fun. But dont CARE or deride people about whats in their pants or who theyre doing what with. Oh and some people DONT want to do anything sexual with anyone. Again. Dont laugh. Because guess what? Youre one of them. Do your "dumb kid shit". Just do it. Brag about it. Laugh at anyone who gives you shit cause theyre LAME for not liking it. Trust me. Also cussing - dude youre an adult and can do what you want... Though its WAY more fun to use made up curse I promise. Snail snot. Holey socks. Fudge it all to fudgedom hall up on old fudge hill. I know. Not much of a cheat sheet and a lecture to rivial any dads ever given. But... I still dont have all the answers. And thats okay. And even if you follow all this only YOU can control and experience YOUR life. If you actually get to read this... Youll grow up into someone different. Just as different if I told you in detail what happens from then to now. People who give you road maps and tell you to avoid the pot holes... They just make you feel like shit because you SEE it coming and do it anyways. So do you. Keep some of this in mind maybe. Youll be pretty cool either way even on the days you dont feel like it. Be safe Teddy (best nickname btw just saying)

[journeysintowebcomics]

Homestuck Liveblog #171

UPDATE 171: Like Punching Your Own Face

Last time Roxy had managed to create the matriorb out of thin air, and Dave and Dirk were finally having a much-needed conversation, Dave unloading everything he had in his head regarding Bro’s way of raising him. It was raw and made me sympathize a lot with Dave, but it’s not over yet. Let’s continue.

The first thing I read in this update is Dirk apologizing. Huh. It wasn’t your fault, Dirk, Dave simply had the bad luck of being raised by a sucky version of you. Then again, as it was pointed to me: Dirk himself admitted long ago that he has no business raising anyone. He’s not wrong, if this was the result. Roxy didn’t do a stellar job, but she wasn’t a complete disaster – the ocean-sized gap that’s the lack of communication between the Lalondes was the problem. All in all, maybe not having to raise them by themselves would have helped.

DAVE: you had a completely different life full of like  DAVE: different choices and actions and stuff 

He’s not wrong about that, environment shapes people a lot. I wonder how alternate Dave would have raised Dirk if there wasn’t the slight problem of Dirk being a few centuries in the future...and also if alternate Dave hadn’t been killed. That can’t have been of help either.

Dirk continues feeling responsible of what Bro did, saying he needs to take responsibility for all the splinters that are him. It’s hard to understand, a bit. I honestly can’t even start saying how complicated it is to feel like that – but somehow I have the feeling that a lot of people in the world would feel responsible for what their alternates do. I don’t know if I would.

DIRK: I've felt...  DIRK: Haunted by them.  DIRK: And what that really means is, I'm perpetually haunted by my own bad qualities. 

You literally made glasses that are filled with some of your own bad qualities, Dirk. You kinda brought that one to yourself, just saying.

Dave appreciates Dirk’s apologies, even though it feels weird to hear it from someone that isn’t the Bro he knew, which in turn makes Dirk confess that he isn’t even happy with his relationships with his peers – especially with Jake. Well yeah, no surprise there, everything is still a fresh wound. It was just a day ago or so that Jake was telling to other people that he felt suffocated. Who knows, maybe in the future that’ll change! Don’t give up, Dirk.

It’s nice to see that Dave and Dirk are trying to give support to each other despite the trouble they have to connect. It’s clumsy, it’s distant, but they’re trying. It’s more akin to pulling teeth than a heartfelt conversation, buuuuuuut it’s the best the Striders can do.

DAVE: you dont actually seem like a bad person to me though  DIRK: No?  DAVE: nah  DIRK: Why not?  DIRK: We did just meet, after all.  DAVE: because  DAVE: i dunno if truly bad people wrestle so much with whether theyre good or bad 

Dirk is not a bad person. He can be extremely difficult to deal with, but he’s not bad. I’m sure hearing it from Dave will make it resonate more than if he had heard it from anyone else, even if everyone else would be more energetic about telling him that he’s a good person. Dirk isn’t even accepting it from Dave at face value, although he is grateful about it. Everyone else idolized him, after all.

DIRK: She meant well, but was so enamored of me, and seemingly everything I did.  DIRK: Which I think was the last thing I needed.  DIRK: To be idolized in some form by other people I respected.  DIRK: I had enough of that feeling coming from within, particularly when I was younger. 

No wonder Bro ended like that. I really don’t think anyone dared to tell him about his flaws. I suppose that maybe this could be interpreted as a sign that Bro respected Dave, but I’m not going to think that’s correct. That relationship was pretty messed up, after all.

Dave sounds genuinely floored to hear everything his alternate self did in Dirk’s universe, including killing clown presidents and somehow managing to make a million Statues of Liberty. I’m still wrapping my head around that one. Could that have been how things would have gone if the world hadn’t ended horribly? Hm...no. The movies and all were a way to give the Condesce a sucker punch, no Condesce means those concrete movies wouldn’t exist. It’s hard to say what would have happened. Maybe Dave really would have gone into the fields that study dead stuff.

Dirk tried to follow Dave’s perceived good traits. Golly, Dave must have never seen that coming.

DIRK: You get to apply all that potential you showed in one reality to something much bigger and more existentially critical.  DIRK: Whatever strength you showed in trying to save a dying planet, the fact is, I think we need that more here.  DIRK: And the trials inherent in being a part of something like this, I think they bring more out of you than a relatively pedestrian life on Earth would. Make you face more things about yourself. At least, that's been true for me. 

Oh hey, I just realized that this alternate Dave pretty much did everything that’s expected of the Dave we know: fight, resist, and pretty much be a cornerstone of the rebellion against the Condesce. He’s everything Dave doesn’t think he can be. Think about that, Dave.

DIRK: I hope it doesn't come off as overly sentimental garbage, but it seems to me like you turned out to be a really good dude.  DIRK: Like, really, a better sort of dude I ever imagined talking to when I pictured meeting the legendary guy I idolized.  DIRK: I pictured him as probably being "too cool" to be the type of guy you are.  DIRK: But you know what, fuck being too cool for that.

Congratulations, you pretty much punched Dave’s hopes from when he was thirteen years old. It’s for the better. Somehow hearing that Dave is not the “cool” person Dave had once hoped Bro would see him as catches him off-guard. Here we go! This’ll be the turning point for Dave, won’t be it? Things are going to change for him – hopefully! Dave certainly had the big character arc in Homestuck, even if he says people don’t have arcs.

And here we go!

DAVE: its really fucked up of me  DAVE: what im presently doing  DAVE: so  DAVE: sorry about that  DIRK: Oh, y-  DIRK: Yeah.  DIRK: Man.  DIRK: This is some fucked up shit alright.  DAVE: i know

This is much more than I expected. Of all things that could happen, a hug wasn’t even close to the top of the list. This is actually a pretty sweet moment, I’m glad it actually happened. Part of me was sure Hussie wouldn’t show them talking, but he did. I’m glad I was proven wrong about it.

So! There’s only one conversation left before things may kick into overdrive straight towards the last part of Homestuck! Roxy is going to meet Kanaya, surely to give her the matriorb. Things are winding down everywhere else, it won’t be long now!

Roxy appears from the skies with a ‘heeeeeey’ and repeats it a few more times, preparing the surprise by telling her to guess what she brought. I can guarantee that the matriorb is not going to be a guess here, hah!

KANAYA: Is It The Thing Behind Your Back  ROXY: yup but u gotta be more specific  KANAYA: Is It A Little Piece Of Paper That Says Hey On It  ROXY: hahahahaha no but that would be SO FUNNY! 

I won’t lie, I wouldn’t have been surprised if it hadn’t been that. Wish you had thought about it before. Maybe there’s still time to write “I.O.U one (1) matriorb” on any random rock and give it to her...or maybe that’d be cruel. Shrug.

Not wasting any more time, Roxy presents the matriorb, much to Kanaya’s astonishment. She’s so surprised she can barely express her surprise while Roxy tries to explain in vague terms. Look at that, Kanaya has tears in her eyes! It must be hard to describe, the feeling of hope in seeing the way the troll race is going to be resurrected. Keep it away from the Condesce and everything should be fine.

Nobody would have thought that the way to revive the trolls would just be given to her like this, but she can’t complain. There’s a lot of work to do, the mother larva isn’t going to raise itself. There’s a life of duty and work ahead of her.

Where’s Karkaroni, asks Roxy? “Meditating”. With his face deep into the dirt. You’re so lucky you’re telling this to someone Roxy doesn’t know very well, nobody else would believe such answer.

Roxy gets into her role of Rose’s mother and tries to know Kanaya better, asking about the meteor tri, where everybody formed small groups and only convened like twice of three times. It wasn’t the social jamboree Roxy imagined. Could have been worse, Roxy. It was worse once. At least now everyone is more or less getting along and Kanaya is aware she needs Karkaroni’s help so trolls aren’t like in Alternia.

...having doubts about fighting? Well I can understand Kanaya would want to protect the matriorb and that she believes her skills are not as good as everyone else’s, but if the Condesce isn’t defeated that matriorb will only be good as a paperweight. Roxy points all that and tries to give Kanaya encouragement about her skills. Well not many things can beat a chainsaw in power. That’s all enough to convince Kanaya to go with her and prepare for the fight.

Now that all the dialogue options are over, the point of view returns to the dream bubble where Vriska has gone to harass herself. Yeah, don’t ask me why she’s bothering to do this.

Okay, I read one page and I’m already feeling a bit sick. I don’t know how Hussie is doing this, managing to make me dislike Vriska after I spent most of her appearances liking her. In just a few hundred pages he’s managing to make me not want to read her anymore. It’s going to be difficult to write something that isn’t constant grumbling. Well, there’s one thing...

VRISKA: Remem8er when you used to care a8out that sort of thing?  VRISKA: No, o8viously not.  VRISKA: All you care a8out now is 8ullshit hipstery fashion trends, feeling "happy", and... whatever the fuck it is you're doing here?  VRISKA: Frolicking with some horses in an ugly field or some shit. VRISKA: Just a8solutely disgraceful.  VRISKA: How could I have 8ecome so selfish??  VRISKA: You do know this is selfish, right?  VRISKA: This isn't having some fucking "epiphany" or like "growing as a person" or whatever self-serving spin you might 8e putting on what's happening here.  VRISKA: It's just plain narcissism, the worst kind you're capa8le of. A total renunci8tion of any responsi8ility for contri8uting to the gr8ter good.  VRISKA: And it makes me FUCKING SICK. 

...I have no words. Yeah, looking for personal happiness is selfish, but there’s nothing wrong with being reasonably selfish. I just...I can’t say anything about this that isn’t some sort of circular argument that in the end isn’t worth typing here. I just can’t say anything.

VRISKA: Contrary to your lazy fakey "happy" shit, I've ACTUALLY GROWN AS A PERSON.  VRISKA: What do you think of THAT, you frivolous, dithering 8ITCH???????? 

Like hell you did!

Just...agh.

Looks like the dead Vriska wasn’t wrong, the horses really is a bad omen for her. Meenah is leaving her and going with the Vriska that is alive. At least Meenah has the decency to be conflicted about what she’s feeling and all, but damn, what a way to punch someone that’s already down, Hussie.

Meenah likes dead Vriska a lot, and she admits it, but she’s bored of having an idyllic life with dead Vriska. She wants to fight Lord English and here’s the chance to do it. Dead Vriska may have changed, but Meenah is the same than before, and that one isn’t content with sitting on the sidelines. That’s why she’s leaving – more or less.

I feel bad for dead Vriska. It’s almost hard to believe that the end for the character I knew for so long is this – or at least this seems like the end. It feels...weird. I feel really bad for her. I wish this hadn’t gone for this. Heck, Meenah deciding to go fight Lord English would have been understandable. I just wish this whole thing hadn’t needed to happen.

Hm. I think I should be stopping here for now.

Next update: next time

[emanresusi-blog]

Musings of schizotypals Pt. 1

L.G. - I have a sucky sensation inside. Now that I might break up (for my own mental health) with my boyfriend, I have a sucky realization. I have no friends. I have pushed people for years, stablished unhealthy relationships for years. Now everyone is gone, and I cannot retake relationships that I pushed away years ago. I feel lonely. C.B. - Maybe my impulses to criticize others are a way to avoid criticizing myself. I find myself wanting to tell people that no one cares about their stupid lives but now I realize that's just one of the negative things I used to tell myself. I stopped the stream of negative thoughts about myself. But the thoughts are still there, just waiting to be applied to something. I need to channel this inner critic into something more productive. I know it is a facet of who I am, just one that I misuse a lot. It must be able to do some good somewhere. Constructive criticism about myself and my behavior perhaps. I should meditate on this. I'm feeling good but strangely devoid of emotion simultaneously. Like, my outlook on life is a generally optimistic one at the moment even though I'm not specifically happy about anything. I told my friend that I felt like something more was developing in my mind towards her and she wasn't scared off, so maybe that's why I feel optimistic. At the same time, I feel oddly suspicious and paranoid about her as well. Suspicious of her motives in continuing to talk to me after I told her how I felt, and paranoid for her safety at times (she's blind and also the tiniest little bit naïve, in my opinion). Extending my locus of emotional openness doesn't come easily to me. I really bond with other people to the point that I feel a bit like I'm losing myself. I don't like that feeling, but I love bonding with individuals at the same time. I suppose I'm just a bundle of contradictory neurons wrapped in a skull lol A.C. - So I'm sat in my porch locked out bags packed after another of my alcohol induced binge dissapearing acts I know "only Self to blame" I was only out drinking and chatting nothing bad, but I guess I am selfish, selfishly anaware and selfishly inconsiderate with what I don't think through or when I act rash. Slowly I've become more of a loner and made a habit of losing things family, friends umm jobs, it doesn't feel normal or nice that I might just be a procrastinative, selfish/absorbed individual who can't really get any sort of balance in personal life. I care about making amends and living a normal family life it's just... I don't know. Everyone blames me and punishes me, I don't want a scapegoat for my mistakes but it's very confusing I think if I didn't do what I did I'd damage my self by suppressing it all inside would be worse that's not a justification just a thought. Maybe leading a stable life, to work full time, three kids and relationship is too much. S.C - I suffer from depression and anxiety...I feel sometimes that im different of others because i think i have a few particularities(including that i have only two friends).I often try to explain to some that i can catch thoughts & feelings from people that i know...In fact,from complete stangers too ...I just thought if someone here could uderstand me? And I would like to add that is it okay not to fear of losing my few friends?I am 14 and feel like a misfit..I can't recognize what i am and don't remember who i used to be. R.R. - I have a weird feeling that I'm gonna die soon. Lol. Awkward. 2 near death experiences for me and 1 for my mom. Meh. Now I'm walking around every day with intense anxiety, waiting for an accident to happen. 😢 C.S. - I'm not doing well. I'm emotional... I cried for like half an hour today and I usually don't cry. But I've been sick over something I can't talk about. Very paranoid and scared. Such ugly ruminating thoughts. Barely slept last night and I have such a headache but my mind won't shut off. For the first time in years I feel like punching myself in the head. I've been taking my pills regularly. I see the shrink on Thursday. Which means I have to get through two days of work... I've been mildly sick with a cold for the last week. Oh help! I just want to feel better. A.M. - Today I keep seeing characters from TV shows as people in public spaces (anyone else experienced this?) and there was a shadow man in my lounge. It's odd and not making me paranoid which is also odd. Usually when freaky brain shit happens paranoia activates. Side note; Who the hell puts dried apricot in a hot cross bun!? C.B. - Sometimes I have this urge to be rude to people I don't like. Or that I decide are, as narcissistic as this sounds, beneath me morally or intellectually. It makes me very nervous to confront people but sometimes I do it out of impulse. Like I have this parallel line of thinking that just criticizes the hell out of everything I see. I let it build up and then let it out when I reach a certain level of resentment at the world. Afterwords I feel no better. But it's like I have this good side and this bad side to me. The bad side is the worst me I can imagine: lazy, thoughtless, critical, apathetic, and cruel. The good side is the best me I can imagine: empathetic, supportive, passive, thoughtful. I realize that I internalize these values from my primary caregivers growing up, my mother and first stepfather. I can't see the value in my stepfather very well. Jung had this idea of the Anima and the Animus. One male and the other female. I've always identified my values with the feminine due to the fact that the only support I ever got growing up was from women. I never understood men. I never understood women either for that matter. But they were the people I tried to emulate growing up. I couldn't stand the thought of being like my stepfather or boys my age until I became a teenager. Then I copied my stepfather and began to hate a lot. To be cruel a lot. Because that's all I saw in him. These impulses must be that old behavior rearing it's head. I've always wanted to be my own person but I've never quite known how. L. G. - Okay so I am going to lay one of my biggest problems right now and see if you can help me even if it's just a Little bit because I have no clue :( I finished university last year. Everything fine. My father came to my room and asked me, "what do you want to do next year? you have to think it NOW" and clearly wanted me, pushed me to do oposiciones (this is how we call the process of studying to get a job in the public system). I did the course for oposiciones. I HATED IT. God damn how boring, bland, deadly! I cannot even study for it or understand what they do. But my parents are 100% into it and they don't even contemplate me leaving them. I have to act like I study on days like those because they are so into this, specially my father, who sees working in the public system as my only chance in life because I am schizotypal. You can ask me questions, I will answer if it hasn't been understood. Thanks for the help :) L.G. - This is a bit of a hard to ask question but I will ask anyway...do you have problems maintaining your personal care, etc...? Sometimes I do and my family makes shame of me :( although i think really I'm not that much of a disaster. I mean, now I take care of myself, it's not like when I was really bad where I wouldn't take proper care of myself. L. G. - Do you ever feel like you've got too much contained in your chest and feel like telling anyone about it? Like you had an urge to tell what's ailing you? I've got Friends to talk with but I have too much in my chest and everyone looks like a friend to me now... S.S. - Two things I learnt about myself recently 1 - I will never be able to do a 9-5 job. Because I am too impatient and get angry when someone tells me what to do. Also overthink everything and get bored with routine. The only thing I can do is my own boss and work from home alone.I need to be in control. 2 - I can't ever picture myself in a relationship. I recently met a woman a bit older than myself but we share lots of interests and get on well. But I'm beginning to feel smothered and under pressure to behave a certain way. I just want to be a free individual with no responsibilities. I wasn't born to be a pack animal, but to give others as much freedom as possible and for them to not bug me in return. C.B. - Anyone else feel really anxious when they talk to other people about personal issues? It makes therapy very difficult for me. I'm too nervous around my therapist to open up to him, to really talk about the issues I have. I always just spend the time in my "therapy mode" (where I act pleasant and nice and talk about minor issues to avoid the larger ones). I don't feel like anybody can really help me with some things, and that I would just be making whoever I was talking to feel bad. I want to be able to talk about my motivations, my relationships, my feelings but they make me feel pathetic. Sometimes I feel like less than a person, like I'm really just wearing a mask when I behave as a normal human does. Trouble is I don't know for sure who or what is under that mask. D.S. - Had an irrational mental breakdown in public again one of those crying and screaming in equal parts of anger, frustration and sadness... why am I so easily overwhelmed sometimes.. plus I look kinda scary afterwards.. the neighbors already peg me for weird as it is... all emotionally shutdown and stuff only secs later.. I dont know its always like that.. overemotional first and a few seconds later back to the void.. im done. Im turning 23 tomorrow and I just wish I could skip to my funeral instead.. yeah.. one of those days.. A.M. - Does anybody else wander through life aimlessly? Never really finishing things they embark on, barely following their interests and feeling as though they're waiting for something to shake enough life into them to align them with the dimension that is reality... Being a drifting alien is really getting to me lately, I didn't realise how meaningless I find everything or how far I have drifted from society. I am not referring to deppression btw. P.A. - There’s something that’s killing me inside and I would really appreciate getting it out in a post. I really hope I don’t sound like a total bitch. It’s to do with abandonment, which I hope some people here will understand. I feel so abandoned by my counsellor. It’s the closest relationship I have. I sent her a text a few weeks ago saying I was sad and I never heard back. It has been my psych ward “anniversary” and I thought she’d message me to ask how I am but no nothing. Now she’s just become a grandmother... I know because I’m friends with her son. They are all super excited and spending lots of time together. He is sending me photos of the new baby but it’s just making me even more upset. Why can’t I just be happy for them? I feel so bad and self-centred for feeling this way. I know this little girl will be spoilt rotten with love and I’m jealous, there’s no other word for it. I suspect this is triggering an ancient wound in me, a hole that I’ve never managed to fill. My friend wants to see me tonight but I’m just too upset to see him and I can’t explain to him why *hides under table* C.B. - Sometimes I feel like I am more comfortable being depressed than I am being happy. Being sad feels, I don't know, solid, constant, whereas happiness is a fleeting and ephemeral feeling. Because of this, I got used to lying to myself to make myself more depressed. Don't know if that makes any sense, but I used to love laying in bed and thinking terrible things about myself until I cried my eyes out. I guess I craved that sense of catharsis. These days, I realize that this isn't a healthy way of coping, but I still crave the cathartic feeling I used to get by working myself into a terrible place. I think maybe I crave intense release of emotion because I have a hard time letting go of emotions in the moment and I kind of bottle them up. I still crave that. It's odd, I suppose I'm working to integrate the disparate parts of my personality into a functioning whole. It's like the emotional part of me exists kind of parallel to the rest, separate but connected in form if not function. A.C. - I guess if you can't do anything consistently but your capable of being extremely creative which many are here. Your purpose in life is to create a masterpiece not stand in line and fit the system. S.S. - Got told I'm too much of a negative person earlier and that I should keep all my thoughts secret. But the truth is I only say about 10% of what's actually on my mind. I'm too truthful about my flaws. The last thing I wanna be is a fake who brags. I can't help who I am.

[nerdypolyguy]

Don't You Get Insecure In Polyamourous Relationships?

Found this on another site and wanted to share it here. It’s an awesome read and I throughly agree with it. My thoughts at the bottom. Link to original blog post www.theferrett.com/ferrettworks/2017/02/dont-you-get-insecure-in-polyamorous-relationships/

“Sure. I have nights where my girlfriend’s out on a date with a new guy, and he’s fantastic in bed (as all new guys must be, in my mind), and she’s going to leave me because the only thing I have to offer is the ability to provide orgasms and he’s clearly better at that (as all new guys must be)….

And those are sucky nights. I text my friends, plan movie marathons, brace myself for a breakup.

But you know what?

I got insecure in monogamous relationships, too.

She’d smile at a guy who she was “just good friends” with and I’d go, are they really only good friends? Can I trust this dude? They seem close. What’s going on here?

She’d hit it off with a girl at a party and I’d go, Are those romantic sparks? That girl just touched her arm, should I be jumping in to head this off? Or will I look like a possessive jerk?

She’d go out for a night with her friends and I’d wonder, She’s probably just seeing a movie, but… what happens if she meets someone new? Or what if she’s cheating on me?

And here’s the thing: that wasn’t just me. I had insecure girlfriends as well who hated the way I flirted (even though I was, and am, never sure what things I do that make me flirty), and they’d interrogate all my female friends, and they’d get anxious after I went out for a night on the town.

And in a lot of those cases, the fix was simple:

Shrink.

Tired of fighting? Well, don’t hang out with people you find attractive, and I’ll feel better.

Maybe we should do everything together. You know, drop the boy’s/girl’s nights out. Just make sure I can always tag along, not quite a bodyguard, but… see? Isn’t this fun?

Oh, you liked that person at the office get-together? I dunno. I got a bad vibe off of them. Yeah, I’m not saying you shouldn’t hang out with them, I’m just going to reiterate my concerns every time you discuss them until you get the hint.

A lot of those monogamous relationships died on the vine because, well, we quietly pruned off any insecurity-making activities until all we had left was each other. And strangely, a lot of what we liked about each other was the stuff that came out when we were out with other people.

Monogamous people talk about monogamy as though it’s the cure-all to insecurity (just as polyamorous people talk about polyamory as though it’s the cure-all to cheating, with equally incorrect results). They tell you they couldn’t take the insecurity of dealing with multiple partners, when the truth is I’ve seen too many monogamous people (including me!) who couldn’t take the insecurity of dealing with a single partner.

I’ve seen monogamous people get insecure because their partner is paying too much attention to their child, and frankly, the fact that you can love your children enough to have more than one is one of those diehard, unspoken assumptions in the communities that shit on polyamory.

Monogamy does not get rid of your insecurity. It just makes it easier to quietly cut away all the things that bother you.

I’m not saying that monogamy is inferior to polyamory, mind you. Polyamory has its own myriad and well-defined dysfunctions. Yet this quiet repetition that “I couldn’t handle the insecurity!” often fails to note that the insecurity is not something caused by polyamory, it’s something you bring with you into a relationship.

Any relationship can trigger insecurity. It’s how you deal with that insecurity that defines your relationship, polyamorous or monogamous.

And in the end, you have a stark choice: you can work to get your partner to stop doing all those things that make you insecure in the hopes that you’ll survive the culling of all the things they love that you don’t. Or you can work to discover whether your partner is genuinely trustworthy (because some aren’t), and figure out which portions of your insecurity are dark reflections of your own self-worth, and which portions are the canary fluttering weakly in the coal mine.

Polyamory, by its structure, makes it more difficult to get your partner to stop doing things that make you insecure. But people still manage to do that. And what I’ve discovered is that even though facing down my insecurity is fucking terrifying at times, what I’ve gotten by surmounting it is stronger, healthier relationships where my partner can walk away, have fun, and come back without being punished for having that fun.

My wife and I learned that back when we were monogamous.

It’s especially true now that we’re polyamorous.“

I find that polyamourous relationships can actually have the opposite effect when it comes to insecurity. I find myself to be a very insecure person but so long as my partner is being honest and open it don’t feel like I will lose them to someone else because I know that they are in the relationship with me for a reason and pursuing the other person for other reasons.

We are each individual in her eyes and that’s fine by me. And if she does find someone else to pursue I get to tease her about her crush a little and then we can talk about it. It’s cute.

[jsalim-art]

Dont mind me just venting

So been a while since i made my late night ventings but not really as right now im out of that dark place. If anyone paid attention to my whininh i wasnt in speaking terms with my oldest sibling for over 2 months. So 2ish weeks ago with my friend for moral support and to referee me to not say stuff i will regret (my sibling did the same) we finally talked. We are in talking terms again almost as if this period in my life never happened. Well except now my sibling thinks i will relapse again and is scared they will "break" me again. I dont blame for being worried about me i know i did this to myself kinda went on a self destructive path there. I know this time i want to make my relationship with my sibling work meaning i have to speak up more be more vocal which i am bad at. And im still going to theraphy still reconsidering if i should be medicated for my depressive symptoms which im still on the fence on but we'll see.

Despite what i go through with my family and how shitty i feel with my life i'm doing what i can to cope with this better. I still have a ways to go and going to theraphy helped me know how my mind works interacting with the world and the people close to me. I do fear about relapsing back into unhealthy behavior but at this moment i think i'm back in a more better mindset. Sure my life in a way sucks because whats been happening in my life and theres a death on my mom's side of my family and ither complicated but i hate to sound corny but i am feeling hopeful for my future. Sometimes for good things to happen you have to go through the bad. I pride myself to being able to adapt or be resourceful in whatever situation im in i make due with it because while life is given me sucky cards to deal with i make due. I hate to use this word but i know i have privelages i take for granted. I know my very low self worth and negative mindset can't be "cured" overnight but i like to think i'm getting there, i can't always be shimmering in my bitterness its not healthy to do that. My future is uncertain but whatever obstacles i went through in life i somehow managed.

And the sorta goodish but sorta bad news my sibling has second thoughts to send me to love with my oldest brother with his wife and mother in law in Dubai cause while i'm not surprised he is openly homophobic and confessed to my sibling he will disown any family member even his goddam daughter (plus another child on the way) if they come out as lgbt to him. So my sibling does not want me to be alone in the same room with our brother who is that closeminded i know i don't. So i find solace that its unfortunate my brother has such views on that topic i know i wont be sent there. (Sibling and i however are pissed our brother thinks that way and have very good reason we want to protect our niece)

For now i work on being a better person and climb out of that hole i've dug. Its not perfect but i feel a little more happier