#tbh i bet his parents would hate me anyways like im not dealing with that

[lovecrazedpup]

mmmm jamie moment

[ravysu]

Sannin headcanons and thoughts

The last thing I would like to post for the sannin week. It is still 24.04 here! :D @sannin-central

This is long. Spoiler alert. Mostly Orochimaru, some Tsunade, a little of Jiraiya (because his story is pretty clear and spoken and idk what I can add). Also I recommend to read this meta about Orochimaru, it has influenced me a lot and has some good points. Sorry for any posible grammar mistakes. Also I really should put here a lot of references to the manga or anime but it was something that was piling up for a year and I'm soooooooo lazy. After all, those are just headcanons. Also: Im not excusing Oro's bad stuff here, Im trying to understand the reasons.

Ive already posted some hcs, here, here and here.

1. First if all, the chronology pic of sannin lifetime based on the info i found on naruto wiki and also some statements about wars from this post. It was tough considering what a mess naruto’s chronology is.

2. Sannin story shows what it cost to be a legend. They're like Team 7 but more realistic. Tsunade literally carried the war but left with nothing and developed a ptsd and have problems to just live on. Also anger control issues. I think she can be pretty bossy and stubborn which is not always nice. Jiraiya is the hero of the day but also very idealistic and can ignore some important details in the real word whether its the fight (he always injured during flashbacks maybe because each time he took too much to handle and on the one hand it's heroistic but on the other is a mistake that can lead your team to situations like in that Iwa cave) or your friends issues (I bet he saw what's going on but thought it's fine until Oro actually got red handed and left). He lives in his world and may have problems to get out to see it through someone else's shoes. As for Orochimaru, it seems like he was a normal guy for 20+ years (I mean, he didn't do crazy criminal shit and had something good in him and it was stated somewhere that it was his teammates influence. It is obvious they considered him as a friend, I don't thinks it was for nothing) but we mostly know his darkest side. Despite being a moster he is a human that have empathy and some ordinary human traits (man just decorates every bit of an environment he is in lol).

3. Tsunade was the leader of team Hiruzen.

4. Tsunade sometimes hit Jiraiya for some stupid things he did or said but never touches Orochimaru even if he did something same. Jiraiya complained about it once and almost got another hit.

5. Jiraiya had problematic parents that didn't care about him much and a lot of time he was wandering in the streets.

6. Judging by the look of Oro bangs and hair, he sometimes cut it off. A stress relief huh? And the fact that he doesn't do it now in Boruto..

7. It was shown that Tsunade and Orochimaru was acknowledged before they become a team. Maybe they did just before, or maybe some longer time before. I prefer the second option and hc that they met because both had no real friends - Orochimaru seemed weird and scary for everyone and Tsunade was Senju so everyone wanted to hang out with her but didn't really care. They weren't seen as what they were - people put the labels on them. But they didn't care about each other's labels and actually saw each other in true lights.

8. Tsunade knew it was an accident and it's not right but still she blamed Orochimaru for Nawaki's death for some time. It was something that seriously damaged their friendship and the team. Orochimaru was mad but also guilty, after all, he was responsible at least as a shinobi since Nawaki was under his watch. So he started to act cold and emotionless and was trying to distance himself from his teammates.

9. Jiraiya was in Ame while Dan died.

10. The whole his orphans mission was a bit irresponsible tbh. They already fought Hanzo and as he stated the conflict between Konoha and Ame is going to an end with Konoha's win. It's weird to stay here for three years in the middle of the war while there were other lands to fight. He left his teammates for some idea. Maybe that caused another crack in their team friendship.

11. If Tsunade would have find a way to live on with her trauma and follow the will of fire and stuff it would affect Orochimaru as well just as her grief affected him. It's like he would get an example that you can live on with this pain. So death isn't above human capability and we are not just the slaves of mortality (sounds stupid but i dont know how else to describe sorry). But as we know what he actually saw is that it broke her crucially to the point she couldnt be herself again. And so the death is above everything.

12. Oro wasn’t just acting as a cold pragmatic bitch in that cave but also tried to save Tsunade. Jiraiya knew it and that’s why he showed this sign to him like "I see what youre doing here" and that stunned Oro because he would prefer to look rather like a cold pragmatic bitch hehe

13. Just a thought. People in the village probably treated Oro as a foreigner or just wouldnt accept him because he looked so differently and had a weird attitude. That's why he sometimes didn't feel that Konoha is his home. After the wars where people were treated as means and tools, even the children, he himself developed this view on people - he dehumanized them and used as the means to his goals, just as his village did. Funny thing some people were straightly dehumanizing him too like Ibiki thought that he was a demon (tho he was a child). And he probably weren't the only one. Anyways the point is that it's logical that Orochimaru don't care about anybody but some few people, he's the product of his era. He's like Naruto that would chose the hatred way. But naruto had some good and understanding people around him and.. Orochimaru had them too, but match how Iruka treated Naruto and this Hiruzen's "I sAw tHe mAliCe in This cHiLd fRoM tHe BegGinNinG". And oro didn't even have a big ass evil fox in him. sry i hate hiruzen

ANYWAYS the moral of the story is not "go criminal if they hurt you" but always treat people like people. Waving my hand to Kant.

14. The reason why Orochimaru didn't pick some good morals to stick with through the hard times no matter what (like, idk, Jiraiya or Naruto) is because 1) I think he is/was pretty depending on people around him 2) the war fucked him and his friends up too much (Nawaki incident + Tsunade) 3) twisted addictions (though I don't think he's that sadistic, we never saw him torturing randoms just for fun, it was always some science experimental shit. He tends to get fun out of cruelty only when it's personal) that maybe developed as a way to sublimate anger and sadness caused by his parents loss (that's what they share with sasuke - unlicke naruto, they knew their parents and it's other kind of pain. Sasuke developed a revenge issue and Orochimaru - cruelty pleasure which... is kinda the same but less epic and more occasional lol).

15. Speaking of that, Orochimaru cared for Sasuke because he saw himself in him.

16. Oro hold grudges against Hiruzen for not choosing him to be Hokage not only because he was ambitious and/or egoistic, but also because Hiruzen was some kind of a father figure for him and his approval was important tho i doubt he was aware of that. He also probably could tell that Hiruzen was suspicios about him when he was a child and that led to many conflicts and was hurting as well.

17. Tsunade knew things weren't pretty with Orochimaru after the wars but she never expected them to be this bad. During the week that she was given in her arc she thought not only about how much she wants to see Nawaki and Dan again despite how wrong would it be but also was trying to bury all the good memories she had left of Orochimaru so it would be easier to kill him.

18. She poisoned Jiraiya exactly because she knew he would not let her do it. Jiraiya was always hesitant to kill and inclined to forgiveness, while Tsunade, as mentioned by Orochimaru, could be merciless (so much so that he was not surprised when Kabuto suggested that she wanted to use Jira for Edo Tensei).

19. That was one of her traits that scared Jiraiya and fascinated Orochimaru.

20. Remember how Oro grabbed Jiraiya's neck when the latter was trying to cover with hair jutsu? On the snake, in Tsnade's arc. Orochimaru could have easily kill Jiraiya by pulling the sword out of the mouth (arteries are right there) but he didn't. As well as he could kill Tsunade when she was still shaking - just aim for the neck or the heart. Instead, he just injured her lung and kicked her which is not a big deal for the kind of shinoby like her at all.. Also he helped Anko not accidentally kill herself but it would be way much profitable to let her do it. "Orochimaru has no feelings".

21. The reason he suddenly wanted to kill Tsunade instead of forcing her to heal his arms as it was planned (which is weird since it will not going to get him heals and he kinda said that he wouldn't want to kill her just minutes ago) is that not only she refused to help him (he thought he could work it out) but she also prefered the village over him (from his point of view). Out if everyone she was the closest to being able to understand him since the village caused her painful losses too but nevertheless she agreed to be on it's side.

22. He wasn't fighting her back in the end partly because he thought he deserved that. Somewhere deep inside hahah.

23. Tsunade got a fear to develop deep bonds so they probably weren't very close with Shizune (also the way she knocked her down in this hotel.. oh).

24. Orochimaru will be here when she'll die.

25. Orochimaru's eng dub to Tsunade: "I often wondered what it would be like to ring that pretty neck yours". No comments.

26. Orochimaru is either bi/pan or ace. Anything or nothing lmao

27. Hiruzen knew about at least some of the Oro’s illegal experiments and was okay just as he was okay with the Foundation all the time. Because it’s useful. Then he has discovered he went too far OR he knew everything and oro just became too inconvenient because of his methods. The way Orochimaru tells Sasuke about reasons they are well treated as the criminals is based on in his experience with Hiruzen.

28. As you may know the lyrics in Orochimaru’s music theme goes “don’t talk with the silence of the heart”. It was taken from one Indian song that also had lines like “don’t question life too much”, ”pain arose somewhere in the chest”, “don’t speak to the wounds of the heart”. Though I’m not sure 100% because I was translating it with some hindi dictionary with like zero knowledge of hindi

29. I like to think that this “silence of the heart” theme and the fact that he called his village a hidden sound village are somehow connected. The hidden sound is the possible explanation of all things waiting to be listened to but the truth is silent and you know it deep in your heart and it bothers you. The world is silent just like the life is meaningless but people can only hear. *Sigh* anyways

30. Orochimaru’s journey is the one about accepting death. When he saw Karin released her chains while was trying to get to Sasuke he understood that the death is a part of human’s strength.

Can’t wait to feel that everything I wrote is wrong or not enough or stupid and obvious lol. Anyways, it’s something that I wanted to share until I move to some other fandom.

[tepidtrashpile]

covering taeyong’s parts

I am HEATED.

tldr: i don’t usually do stuff like this but i’m highly caffeinated and have nothing better to do so prepare for a (very convoluted and long) rant cause omg im so fucking mad. 

so for those of you who don’t know, nct 2020 had a resonance vlive/concert last night (dec 26/27) and taeyong and jisung were unable to perform due to a back injury (herniated disk) and knee injury respectively.

I’ll mainly be talking about taeyong in this just due to his extrEmely large presence within NCT and also jisung was there to vocally cover his parts.

(also not to take anything away from jisung, however in the sheer amount of screentime and tracks ty is in, him missing is much harder to disguise within a performance with or without vocals) 

in order these are the members that covered ty’s parts in each song (tbh i may be forgetting some, but the point is look at how hard they had to work to even fill ty’s dance position within the concert, the boy is in like 50% of their performed tracks)

nct u - boss - sungchan

nct u - the 7th sense - shotaro 

nct u - light bulb - yangyang

nct 127 - touch - haechan (first part), johnny (iconic ty and mork), yuta (pulls up in the chorus to fill in ty part to the stage right of jh) 

nct u - make a wish - jeno (first part), jaemin (basically rest of the song)

nct 127 - kick it - mark (usually the center parts), jaehyun (first rap), yuta (end dance break), johnny (mark stepped on him rip lol)

nct u - misfit - johnny (start), sungchan (end)

nct 2020 - resonance - jeno / jaemin (?) - dude idk im having trouble keeping up at this point

// I want to make it very clear that NCT would not be where it is without taeyong. I’m not suggesting that he is replaceable in any way, shape or form. however as a person with two parents in the performance industry - and im sure that many of u understand just from general life experience -- the show mUst go on. when you have a presence as large as ty missing, it is undoubtedly going to take a toll on the overall energy and performance but i personally think that the boys fucking killed it -- especially with such a short turnaround from learning that ty would not be performing. (jaemin said that jeno legit had one HOUR to practice the beginning of maw (and by proxy the beginning of resonance) and that amount of talent and skill is unfuckingbelievable) but I digress. 

// there is nothing wrong with being disappointed that taeyong cannot perform. (get well soon ty!) he is an incredible performer and human being. there is nothing wrong with seeing (and understanding) that another member filling ty’s part is going to FEEL different, even if they do a phenomenal job. there is nothing wrong with feeling the difference in energy and performance -- there is obviously ANOTHER PERSON doing the part that we are accustomed to. there is nothing wrong with having a conversation and discourse about the performance. however... there IS something wrong with putting down members and harshly criticizing their performance in a malicious way. constructive criticism is one thing, but a lot (not all but an overwhelming amount) of what I have seen in the comments and the little bit of twitter i have been on has just been bashing members (one in particular) about their performance. 

//

// let me get the easy part out of the way here. jaemin and jeno killed it during maw. yuta’s dance break, mark’s center time, jaehyun covering ty’s rap, and johnny stepping up to get stepped on (hehe i’ll stop now don’t mind me) were all surprisingly refreshing. yangyang covering lightbulb was (imo) one of highlights of the concert. for a rapper who often doesn’t get the recognition that he deserves he did a PHENOMENAL job covering the entirety of ty’s parts in his own way and conveying his emotions. yes, the members weren’t the same as taeyong, however, they added their own twist and their own personalities to it. it is in fact BETTER to do this and be remembered for their own style than attempt to emulate someone else’s performance. it is the sign of a great artist to take something and make it your own. 

// now, onto the two newest members. i will be candid about this. the biggest difference I felt within the performance was when sungchan and shotaro were covering ty’s parts. tbh this is to be expected (?). i’m not trying to put down the boys but the reality is that they debuted 2-3 MONTHS ago? all of the other members covering ty’s parts have had significantly more experience in every aspect of performing. jaemin and jeno may be about the same age as chan and shotaro but they have upwards of 4 years more experience (debuted anyway, and anyone can tell u that practicing vs the real thing can be a very daunting change) than the other two. the other members have performed in front of a live crowd, they have had time to deal with criticism and learn from it. they are just in every way more experienced, and although we expect great things out of all the members, it is simply unrealistic to expect the same level of performance out of members with 2 years less experience than anyone else on the stage. 

aneway...

shotaro covered one of the hardest parts in nct history - taeyong’s 7th sense. in every way - the rap, the technicality of the dance, the sheer charisma ty brings - this was a daunting task. him being a rookie DID show in the performance. this isn’t a bad thing. the tone of his rap did sometimes lack nuance and the level of sophistication that we know taeyong to have. however, i do think shotaro was the right choice for this song. you have to give rookies experience for them to grow, and a concert like this (even without a live crowd) is a great time to do it. (i’ll get into logistics later but bear with me)

the sad reality is that we’re probably not going to have large in person concerts for at least the next year and it will be a long time til travel, concerts, and simply life return to what they were before covid. it will be a very long til the boys get to perform on a stage with the energy of a crowd in the same way they have up til now. 

now sungchan. my poor bb sungchan :(

sungchan covered ty’s part is boss (and a little bit in misfit but johnny covered the first part and its more of a hype rap song than one with designated dance moves and centre parts). the dance (in boss) may not be the most technical but this is an unfORGETTABLE song when it comes to taeyong’s part. the beginning “nct leggo?” *chefs kiss*. from what i’ve seen sungchan is the one receiving  the most criticism (read hate) about his performance. look, i’m not going to argue that out of all the members who filled ty’s part he was the weakest. (im not trying to hate, but imo his performance was the weakest, u can disagree with me). he definitely less comfortable with covering taeyong’s part than anyone else was - including shotaro. i think most of the criticism is coming from the fact that he just looked anxious and unable to throw himself into the choreo and when comparing him to taeyong (who again just -- idk he’s unexplainable) his performance does fall a little flat. imo the rap was okay, his tone is actually somewhat similar to ty. i really think that most of the hate is stemming from the execution of the choreo rather than the rap. HOWEVER... calling him “stiff as a board” and commenting “cap” emojis does absolutely nothing except spread unnecessary hate. sungchans position is NOT as a dancer. he is only listed as a rapper. shotaro, however, is listed as both a dancer and a rapper. not to say that these listings are the end all be all of a member’s position, but because they are so new they are a decent representation of what SM thought their strengths were. we would love our idols to be aces at everything, but they are human and humans have their strengths and weaknesses. compared to taeyong, and also shotaro, sungchan does not have the technical ability nor the confidence while dancing. I’d like to believe that anyone who analyzes their performances and takes an objective view can understand where i am coming from. 

tldr: you are placing unrealistic expectations on a rookie who’s main position is NOT main dancer. you are asking him to fill the shoes of arguably one of the most charismatic and talented rappers, leaders, and centers of 4th gen kpop... as a ROOKIE. his performance is most likely going to show cracks of being relatively new to the stage. its okay to acknowledge that, but don’t be fucking rude when discussing his performance. 

// the amount of posts i’ve seen calling sungchan “untalented” “stiff as a board” just im so fucking over it. yes, his performance had its weaknesses but name-calling and just straight up hate does nothing to help a performer and just ruins everyone’s mental. you can bet your ass that every single one of these boys has worked their ass off, given up unimaginable things, and faced challenges to get where they are today. not to mention that (in particular the case of sungchan and shotaro) these boys are young. the other youngest/newest members have had about 2 years (yangyang, xiaojun, hendery) to become accustomed to the criticism and also hatred that comes with being in the spotlight. sungchan is less than a MONTH older than me. shotaro is just a year older than me. my best friend is legit older than both of these boys. idk your age but think about yourself at their age, or where u think you’ll be at their age. they have accomplished SO much and are so young. they’re 19 and 20 and in an internationally recognized band. we know that a lot of these boys (and idols) do read our comments. i don’t care how much media training you’ve received, how strong your mental is, getting called untalented and being hated on is going to take a toll on your mental. along with that, what is the NEED? to spread hate? to show that “huhu, im such a big deal that all these people are responding to me”. like, legit wtf do u gain from this? 

// when you are a performer you do open yourself up to criticism, it is part of the job. but criticism and hate are two very different things. to get where nct is today, every single member has to be humble enough to accept guidance AND constructive criticism. we all know how much the boys value nctizens opinions and take them into account when performing. when you are a performer like that you also have to criticize your own work. no matter what profession you are in, no matter what you do, you analyze ur own work and attempt to make it better. i can all but assure u that shotaro and sungchan (and all the boys) know their strengths and weaknesses, know when a specific move, performance, or other area of their ability is not up to par (or they just want to improve which is imperative to success in the music industry)

just be a decent human being. put urself in all of the boy’s shoes and think “hmm how would i feel if some stranger on the internet said this about me” before you make hateful statements. 

again, there is nothing wrong with having a discussion and understanding that humans have strengths and weaknesses, but don’t just put someone down because u feel like it.

//

in case you aren’t convinced to be a decent person, have a more logical (?) approach -- not that u should have to shown a dissertation to be a decent human but i digress.

(think about how many other songs the rest of rap line has to perform, logistically, who else are you going have cover the entierty of boss and 7th sense.)

rap line is: taeyong, mark, lucas, hendery, jeno, jaemin, yangyang, shotaro, sungchan, and jisung (?).  

everyone except lucas and hendery (and jisung but bb was injured :( ) covered ty’s part in some aspect. in fact, people not in the friggin rap line helped cover some of ty’s rap (johnny, jaehyun, haechan im looking at you) and other members covered dancing and center parts when they were asked to.

mark is in just as many tracks as ty and was RUNNING around to get to the next song this entire concert. you can legit see his outfit change with jackets and hats. he filled in for ty in kick it (group effort but u get the point) but in 7th sense just to the way that the song works and the dance etc etc, you can’t have mark doing his part as well as ty’s without it falling flat and taking a huge toll on mark. same with boss, marks filling just as big a role as ty and like, legit how do u give this boy mOre lines than he already has. (u can see that sm did a similar thing with jeno and jaemin in the beginning of maw, jeno covers the first part and then jaemin the rest of the song because jaemin can’t leave an open space at the vEry beginning of the song) (10/21 total performances)

lucas isn’t in as many as say mark but he is in boss and make a wish (boss being very hard for him to cover ty’s part, and jeno and jaemin covered maw. if i’m being completely honest i don’t think lucas has the same tone or technical ability to fit into ty’s parts in the songs as much as say - sungchan on a pure technical and tone pov (6/21 total performances)

hendery, similar to lucas isn’t in an absurd amount of tracks but still enough to tire a guy out lol. because of him performing full choreos in other songs it doesn’t make sense for him to learn a completely new choreo while simultaneously having to memorize and practice the others songs. also, in a similar vein of lucas, i just don’t think hendery is the first choice when choosing someone to cover ty’s parts (dont kill me hendery and lucas stans lol) (6/21 total performances)

jeno while jeno isn’t in the sheer number of performances as other members, he does end up covering ty’s starting part in maw (see reasoning for jaemin above). this by proxy means he covers the maw part in resonance. while he does a fantastic job covering the starting part, asking him to learn the entirety of boss or 7th sense would be a fuckton of work. u can legit see him yEEt himself out of camera view after his part - not to mention again that he had an hour to practice lol (6/21 total performances) 7/21 covering

jaemin - first off u can literally see jaemin’s energy fall throughout the final song the boy is so tired by aneyway... it makes total sense for him to cover maw as he already knows the choreo and it take less effort than learning an entirely new song. also, when ur comparing popularity/center time between jeno and jaemin vs. hendery (even lucas sometimes) they simply have more, and when u aRe in the center u have to expend more energy becAuse u are holding the performance together (6/21 performances)

yangyang let me get my yangyang simping out of the way, but this boy is so fucking talented and his rap deserves more praise. lightbulb compared to other songs ty is in, is a more melodic and emotional based song. there is no choreo, therefore the person covering the rap just has to focus on the rap itself rather than the rap AND the choreo. imo this was the best possible choice for someone to cover ty’s part in lightbulb (6/21 total) 7/21 covering ty’s part

shotaro shotaro is only in 4/21 performances. it simply makes sense for the rap line member with the fewest songs to perform to learn a a full choreo. as stated above, 7th sense is the more technically difficult of the songs that required learning and covering a full part. assigning shotaro (the dance line member) to the more challenging choreo is just the easy choice -- especially if ya’ll gonna come for sungchan’s dancing skills, give the damn song to shotaro smh (4/21 performances) 5 when covering 7th sense

sungchan tied with shotaro for the fewest performances (just by nature of being the newest members) in the same way that it makes sense for shotaro to learn a full choreo, it makes sense for sungchan. reasoning for the assigned songs above. (4/21 total performacnes) 5 with boss

// the songs where they didn’t have a designated member cover most/all of taeyong’s parts were in the 127 songs as well as in baby don’t stop (ten and taeyong duet). 127 is the most veteran of the nct subgroups, and is in general just more accustomed to filling in parts (ie winwin - screw u sm lol). they have johnny who trained as a rapper who can fill in, jaehyun, haechan, and yuta have all proven that they can cover rap with more a sing-rap style and mark can take/cover parts when it is logistically possible. 

// in 127′s songs although ty does often take center and many lines, in general 127 is just a more well rounded group. (don’t come for my ass). in the same way that dream has an undeniable chemistry, 127 is the same way. when you work with the same group of people for an extended period of time without many (if any) changes you just build better chemistry. in nct u taeyong takes more of the spotlight just due to his charisma and raw power. think about it. which performance suffered more due to taeyong’s absence: touch / kick it or make a wish / boss / 7th sense. 

also: because 127 is a fixed unit all the boys know the choreo and have consistently performed it at concerts allowing for member to step in where they know they are comfortable without the amount of discussion it might otherwise take in a rotational group

// take a second to think about a certain performance without taeyong in it. it may just be me, but i think 127 fare much better without their leader than any rotational group without taeyong very (firmly ?) bolstering the performance in the center. (taeyong doesn’t hold all these titles for nothing, he is truly another breed)

// in baby don’t stop they didn’t even attempt to cover taeyong’s absence. idk if that was ten putting his foot down and saying that he didn’t want someone covering the part or if it was more of a choice based on marketing and fanservice. baby don’t stop is truly ten and taeyong’s song and idk if even pairing 10 with a dancer with ty’s vocal in the backtrack would have received positive feedback. 

//

if you have somehow made it this far props to you lol. a rant that started because i wanted to defend sungchan has turned into a long analysis of members... whoops.

tldr: just be a decent human being. everyone in nct is human. a talented, multifaceted, human with strengths and weaknesses. being a nctizen doesn’t mean not being proud, disappointed, happy, or any other emotion about the boys. but it does mean treating the boys and other fans with respect. 

[quietepics]

                                      ♡ · 　INTRO.　 * .  IV / ?.

           oh lawd she comin.           hi gang !  i’d like to introduce my new kiddo ,  layla blanco .  she’s a granddaughter of tyche and eris ,  and she’s a bit chaotic but in a different way from theo .  i’d say her chaos is calculated heheh .  also this is a very quick and short intro but i just wanna get it out and done with bc im gonna be busy tomorrow rip anyway ,  hope you enjoy !

THE BASICS

name:  layla cornelia blanco nickname(s):  lay ,  lays .  somebody pls call her lucky charm she’ll be so annoyed . birthday:  april 13th, 1996 ethnicity:  white latina ( argentine - british ) birthplace:  california , usa gender identity:  cis female sexuality:  pansexual / panromantic powers:  disruption ( eris )  /  probability manipulation ( tyche ) mixtape:  she’s my colllar ( slowed ) / gorillaz ,  people i don’t like / upsahl ,  daisy / ashnikko ,  walk you home / sir chloe ,  talk show host / radiohead  character inspiration:  nanno ( girl from nowhere ) ,  beth harmon ( the queen’s gambit ) ,  layla by derek & the dominos ,  veronica sawyer ( heathers ) ,  yumeko jabami ( kakegurui )

THE MUSE

layla’s parents met in nemean lion years before her birth ;  a daughter of tyche and a son of eris ,  the two fell in love during their time at nl and though it’s been long since their last visit ,  the campus has been a second home to layla ever since she was little  ---  for safety reasons ,  of course .

from a very young age ,  layla knew that she was special .  her parents made a conscious effort to make sure the girl never lost sight of who she was and what she could do ,  and to always use her abilities for good .  her father was particularly cautious of that ,  seeing as his daughter had the same capabilities for discord as he did ,  and knowing how much trouble he caused during his first few years at nl .  because of that ,  layla has never felt out of control when it came to her abilities ;  in fact ,  it was quite the opposite .

while her father’s side of the family was a bit more troublesome ,  her mother’s side was incredibly fun !  ever since she was a child ,  layla found herself interested in everything that had to do with luck ,  probability and chance ,  which eventually led to her fascination with one subject in particular: gambling .

around the age of twelve ,  she began gambling around nl .  at first ,  the bets were little and simple:  a pack of gum ,  a snack from just dough it or a meal at jake’s diner ,  things of the sort .  at worst ,  she’d use her disruption power to make the loser unable to control their gifts for hours ,  which might have led to a little trouble a few times . however ,  as layla got older ,  the bets started becoming a little more extreme ,  often including large quantities of money .  naturally ,  people lost interest in the games ,  especially since they were going against a granddaughter of tyche ,  and layla decided it was time for a change  ---  so she left nl for a while .

during her time away from campus ,  layla made money .  a lot of money .  poker and any other form of gambling had quickly become her favorite pastime ,  mainly because of the thrill of betting and risking it all ,  except she never lost to anyone .  not because she used her powers to win ,  as the mere thought of rigging the games angered and disgusted her ,  but because it simply never happened .  it could be frustrating at times ,  especially after people in the business started digging up information of her .

years after making a name for herself in casinos around the world and in the public poker scene ,  people started learning more and more about layla ,  who’d kept her godly heritage a secret until now .  eventually ,  information leaked about the girl and on how one of her grandmothers was the goddess of fortune ,  which resulted in people calling layla a scammer ,  removing all sponsorships and opening multiple lawsuits against the girl ( which didn’t end up terribly for her ,  but that didn’t help fix her reputation either ) .  

half a year ago ,  after her little scandal and as means of keeping herself out of trouble ,  layla returned to nl for the first time in a long while .  she’s been keeping herself busy by working in the business department ,  striking big deals that bring in money and “playing” with the stock market .  she swears she’s never cheated or rigged any game in her life ,  but until someone or something is able to prove her innocence ,  you won’t be finding her gambling anytime soon  ---  at least not in the public eye .

MISC.

she is so ,  so smart .  above average IQ ,  definitely one of the best students in nl history besides the athena kids lmao .  oh ,  and she definitely loves to remind people of just how smart she is .  kind of a snob tbh .

knows a lot and has dirt on lots of people .  she’s literally one of those people who just ends up eavesdropping on accident and then laughs about it .

s t o n kS.

she can play any card game ,  and most classics like chess ,  checkers ,  even eastern ones like shogi or majong .  on the other hand ,  she hates most “modern games”,  except for monopoly and clue / cluedo.

she legit never rigged any of her games ,  not even when she was tired and bored from winning so much .  in fact ,  there was a time she purposefully indebted herself so that the games would become more exciting  ---  after all ,  she needed money .

kind of a hard person to befriend ?  she won’t approach you unless you’re doing something she judges weird or a waste of time ,  but she will engage into conversation if you seem “smart enough” .  again ,  she’s a bit of a snob .

kinda self destructive but shhh lets not go there just yet 

will prank people by messing with their powers without them knowing .  homegirl’s been bored okay this is how she keeps herself entertained besides stonks .

GIVE ME ALL THE PLOTS !  i’d like for her to have an actual friend who cares about her well being and wants her to get her shit together ( and she obvious cares about them in return ),  someone she simply Does Not Give a Fuff about and has no problem saying it, an ex lover / ex fling ( could be super interesting considering she was gone for a bit ig ) ,  some sort of frenemy ,  some “ healthy competition “  of sorts ,  anything and everything !

[tfw-no-tennis]

hxh RESUME

back at it again w/the hxh, heres my recap of the last few eps 

ok so i totally forgot to recap that one ep at the end of the hunter exam arc lets see what i remember from like 3 wks ago lollll

i thiiiiink i left off in the middle of ep 21 lol. i really dont remember much tbh so im gonna skim the ep to refresh

exposition time! its so wild that if you lose ur hunter card That It like u cant get another or retake the exam hgabjdfuhasjf Ls 

also the fact that you can sell it is rlly interesting 

leorio & kurapika backing up gon as he confronts illumi again :’) good lil family 

illumi u fool. gon is a shounen protag. he can do anything he sets his mind to

the fact that gon thanks illumi for telling him where killua is....hes literally THAT polite like...what a perfect boy 

hisoka just fuckgin stepping out of the shadows....ok bitch 

the fact that gon fucked up illumis arm that bad with one hand....boi is STRONK 

AUGH AUGH AUGHHHH HISOKA IS SO CREEPY AUGHHH I HATE THIS BIIIITCH 

ok but like is illumi implying that hisoka is a fr p*do bc uhhhhh thats so nasty oh lord. pls stay away from gon, and killua, and like everyone as a matter of fact 

EWWWWWWWWWW I HATE HISOKA HES SO NASTY. PLS STOP MAKING P*RNO FACES IN RELATION TO 12 YR OLD BOYS. 

no but rlly what IS hisoka gonna do now. im assuming he’ll show up p soon (tho probs not in the zoldyc arc like i thought bc its shorter than i thought) 

ok the fact that they have the internet is hilariously wild to me for some reason....it just seems like this would be one of those fantasy shounen worlds with very little tech (a la one piece) but lol nope we can just google shit hvbhjdhjdfks

gon: it was fun when you beat me up for 3 hours and broke my arm! seeya dude!

i love gon he is so chill and doesnt seem to hold grudges except when it really matters (like hisoka and illumi) 

hanzo has.....ninja business cards....thats amazing hvbhsdjkujfnd

dont worry pokkle, leorio was basically carried thru the hunter exam by various people and also won by default. he still deserves his license tho

an exotic game hunter sounds pretty cool! i wonder if we’ll see pokkle again. kinda doubt it? that sounds pretty firmly non-combat based, and therefore probably pretty far from any plot lol

so gons dad is a bigshot huh.....whatever hed be a bigger deal if he didnt abandon his son tbh 

gon swinging his feet on the bench....sooo cute 

so ging could restore a bunch of ruins but he couldnt raise his son...ok

im just gonna be bitter at this guy for abandoning the most perfect boy vhbhjfbsjhdhbfsk sorry dude but being a good hunter doesnt make up for being a shit father 

gon is so precious ;_; 

WHAT WAS SATOTZ GONNA SAY TO GON???

why does it look like theyre googling things on MS paint 

ah yes, padokea, on the continent of Africa But Sideways 

idk if i talked abt it before but the world map is WILD lmao i love how its all the continents/landmasses scrambled around.....im super curious abt that weird island in the top center of the map, thats the only thing that immediately sticks out as not having a real life equivalent 

the music in this show is so charming :’) i love the main theme sm 

gon is sooo precious i literally cant get over it. and his hurry to rescue killua is so sweet....and i love how naturally charming/charismatic gon is....pretty much everyone he meets likes him, especially leorio and kurapika, who basically adopted him after knowing him for like a day, and continue to be completely taken by him

ok wtf is satotz & co talking abt......do they know something abt ging that they arent allowed to tell gon???? shouldnt gon have access to the same info now that hes a hunter? i need ANSWERS

i bet this whole thing abt the hunter exam not rlly being over is a metaphor abt the hunter exam NEVER truly ending bc youre always being tested, or st

ok the ED continues to be So Much like especially the last shot where the 4 main characters look like theyre posing for a JC Penny catalog while the singer goes FULL metal-screamo

ok ruth and i just rewatched the next two eps woohoo

i love that there are tourist busses that take people to the front gates so they can like pose for pics and stuff vhbhjafdsfkj and its like ‘ah yes here are where the local assassins live!’ thats so funny yet it makes so much sense

i love that leorio passed tf out during the bus ride. big big mood 

gon is so cute...hes like ok yes i understand that we’re not supposed to go in but i think they can make an exception for me bc im very polite. 

those 2 dudes r so ugly and so dead god bless

that bigass buster sword....sir please 

ruth and i rlly thot that the old guard guy was gonna turn out to be grandpa zoldyk or st lol

the fact that the dog managed to eat All their flesh but left some clothes....skill 

also the dog is named mike but it sounds like the guy is calling him miku hvbjdfssk

this cant be the first time some morons have been killed here likeeee 

i cant believe nobody has visited the zoldyk estate in 20 years damn they all rlly b havin no friends. depressing 

the whole gates thing is wild. also that part where gon gets the math wrong on the weight.....BIG mood kiddo 

ok the part where gons on the phone w/the butler is soooo good oh man. i love how gon just calmly dials the phone again after hes hung up on the first time and then YELLS....and leorio and kurapikas faces r so good 

also the butler guy unfortunately has a point, it isnt foolproof that gon is here Legit....but he IS let him see his tiny bf :( 

as ruth pointed out, the butler guy is reminiscent of kuro from one piece. same vibes 

maybe if leorio was jacked like he is in the manga/1999 anime he couldve opened the gate that first time around....Ls 

god i love this shows approach to Everything so far,....as ruth put it, half the time its like ‘oh wow they should do [x]/i wish theyd do [x] but ofc they wont cause its a shounen’ but then they DO do [x] and its like damn thats dope 

anyways i love how gon is increasingly approaching situations with his Plucky Shounen Protag Attitude in full swing, and he pretty much gets shot down every time. BUT his general determination to see killua bc killuas his FRIEND and hes gonna RESCUE HIM is still a good and pure motivating force 

like here, when hes climbing over the wall and hes like whatever i dont wanna have to deal w/being tested thats bullshit, i wanna see killua, my intentions are pure, im gonna try my luck with the dog....i was like ok yeah he’ll get over and like tame or defeat the dog and the guard will be suitably impressed bc nobodys ever done That before, and then gon will continue on to get killua 

but NOPE instead the guard calls him down and explains that gon Will Die if he tries that, and then the guard will die too for letting that happen. and gon is like oh shit my actions have consequences for people other than me, wow. 

and THEN the guard takes them in to meet the dog. and hot DAMN that is a scary creature. not even really a dog tbh. they did an excellent job making the dog Legit Scary and not just like, big and flashy looking....those eyes are so soulless, and the proportions are freaky 

and the guard says exactly what i was thinking - that gon would use his Country Boy Woodland Creature Skills to workaround the dog....but then the subversion - this creature is NOTHING like the woodland critters gon is probably used to dealing with. theres no way gon stood a chance here. the guard just saved him from a really unfortunate death 

i love all the Super Heavy Stuff in the servant house that seems so inconvenient vbhjdkfasjfld. also forgot to mention earlier but the guard guy being Absolutely Ripped was wild and kinda funny 

training montage! gon continues to be so cute. and i love so much how leorio and kurapika are like no, you rest, we’ll take care of this. good parents!!!!

and then!!!! they sync up and use the power of gay love to almost open the gate. but then gon uses the power of Improbable Shounen Protag Healing Speed to toss that arm sling off and help out

i feel like leorio was side-eyeing gon like w8 a sec u broke that arm like a few days ago that aint right.....

oh man i almost forgot abt that scene with the zoldyks torturing killua :( :( this poor kid he doesnt deserve that 

also mom zoldyck seems truly awful but i must say her aesthetic does fuck. the victorian-lookin outfit paired with the futuristic cyclops visor thing....excellent. also im betting this face bandages are from killua cutting her face 

this family is so fucked up hvbsjdhjfbakdfn

killua telling his mom that gon is definitely gonna make it there :’) hes got such unshakable faith in his bf thats so good.....

back w/the gang, and immediately they run into more trouble in the form of the young girl butler, whose name i dont know, but i love her....her design is SO good oh man. a non-caricature black person? who also isnt sexualized? in MY anime??????

 i love how gons approach to conflict is currently ‘let more powerful person beat me up for hours straight in hopes that they get tired or something idk bro’ like....i love him lol, is it in an effort to show how determined he is? he doesnt even try to dodge her blows or get around her....id be tryin to hop that fence lol 

oh shit the tiny zoldyk kid from earlier is spying on them....she was w/the mom so im sure thats not good

when he punches the rock part and it breaks....strong boiiii 

oh man that little flashback from when killua first came back and told her that he made a friend ;_; bruh 

i love butler girl :( she wants to let gon but knows it isnt allowed....and as soon as she starts to waver BAM here comes mom zoldyck JFC that was so sudden and jarring....im assuming butler girl isnt dead cause that would be lame and anticlimactic 

also IS THAT NEN??? NEN>>>??? NEN??? HM? NEN????????? 

im so annoying abt nen i need to make one of those ‘is this a pigeon?’ memes w/’is this nen?’ bc thats me anytime anything remotely weird happens lmao

i do think its rlly nen this time tho

anyways shit is wild, cant wait to meet the full zoldyck family 

PREDICTION CORNER: 

as i said above i doubt hisoka will show up now bc this arc is a lot shorter than i anticipated. also im doubting that illumis even gonna show up honestly 

i think we’re gonna have this OP for a while, as the part just at the end shows gon and hisoka fighting in what looks to be an arena, and ik the next arc is the heavens arena arc, which im assuming is the tournament arc....

also i have no idea what that weird building in the OP is but my guess is that its the building w/the heavens arena in it bc its tall and,,,,heaven 

i predict there wont be much fighting in this little arc bc how tf else is it so short. at this point i rlly think gon is just gonna grab killua and go lmao. im super curious abt how thats gonna go down, considering that killua is currently strung up just bc he wont apologize...so i cant imagine his family would just let him leave w/gon. i wonder if killua will fight them, or if gons determination will impress them and then theyll let killua go (doubt it)

thats basically it....we’ll see abt the next few eps holla

[gotatext]

hello, it’s swamp witch nora again…. i couldn’t stay away.... hitting u with a tiny baby boy who is also terrible (sometimes).  musical softboi who loves karl marx and hates children dying in cobalt mines to make smart phones. as is tradition, here’s the pinterest board, have a peruse. fyi sorry for those of u who have read this intro a thousand times i literally.... can never b bothred to change it n i think thats really sexy of me x

CHARLIE PLUMMER / DEMI-BOY — don’t look now, but is that rory bergström  i see? the 23 year old music student is in their junior year and he is a rochester alum. i hear they can be whimsical, impassioned, self-indulgent and nitpicky, so maybe keep that in mind. i bet he / they will make a name for themselves living in griffin street. ( nora. 24. gmt. she/her. )

aesthetics.

bed hair from a permanent state of slumber, calloused fingertips from strumming bass into the early hours and djing into the blacklit night, self-help books thumbed once and thrown beneath your bed, battered copies of choose your own adventure books, spliffs passed half-arsed across rooftops while light pollution obscures low-hanging stars, marxist literature in stacks against your bedroom walls, a burner phone twice-shattered and a stash of replacement sim cards.

tw ocd, anxiety, drugs

half-swedish, half-british. the swedish is on his mother’s side. he’s bilingual but thinks in english. only really speaks swedish around his mother. only child, and kinda put a lot of pressure on himself to be the perfect kid when he was young, but his parents are honestly, quite decent? and just want him to have a nice life, they don’t care if he isn’t successful or rich or anything, they’re honestly rather solid. (wow imagine having nice parents, a first for all my characters, im literally this meme)

grew up in peckham, a suburb of london. growing up, his mum was a model / actress / waitress who later retrained as a speech therapist and his dad worked in her majesty’s service at buckingham palace. his dad wasn’t allowed to tell his family what his job entailed but rory suspects it’s probably very boring and just involves a lot of…. logistics n security.

was bullied a lot at school. [cole sprouse voice] he didn’t fit in and he didn’t want to fit in. unironically wore a trenchcoat to school every day of his life. spent most of his lunchtimes in the library because it was his safe space. as a result he knows…. loads of useless information because 30% of his school years were spent reading anthologies on space and the vikings etc. would be good on a game show. obsessively recorded every episode of university challenge as a child.

middle-class and lowkey quite wealthy but rarely talks about money, one of those well-off people who still wears really old shitty shoes and only spends money if they absolutely have to

virgin who can’t drive

into star wars, not into the big bang theory. feminist. can’t watch horror movies

favourite film is where the wild things are. also loves the florida project. thinks kids are the sweetest thing and can’t wait to be a dad to some

has been musical for as long as they can remember. first picked up guitar because he thought it would make this girl esther who he was in love with like him, but he just ended up falling in love with music instead.

formulated several different bands as a kid but ultimately had to give it up cos he was quite controlling and got fixated on making a certain sound so it wasn’t really fun for the others. got into electronic music because it was something he could do basically on his own and keep tweaking until he got it perfect

always drumming their fingers or strumming invisible guitar strings. tends to avoid parties bc he has quite has specific tastes when it comes to music and doesn’t like listening to r&b for eight hours while people throw up into plastic cups.

a techno connoisseur. has been making electronic music since he was about twelve.

after his parents divorce, when he was fourteen, rory & his mother moved to run-down suburban neighbourhood, pittsfield, massachussets.

big into photography. he mostly uses a canon 35mm camera, but occasionally uses disposable ones when he wants that more rustic feel.

moving to the states, their photography became more focused on suburban neighborhoods and are often quite dark and cinematic (think gregory crewsden). here are some shots of pittsfield i really like which rory has on his wall [1] [2] [3]

falls in love 12 times a day. never had a girlfriend or boyfriend. gets sweaty when someone cute looks at him. flirting?? what?? would prefer to idealise them from a distance

gender??? hm. rory don’t really know where they fit yet, sometimes he feels like a guy and sometimes they dont feel like anything at all!! slippin out of his physical form into the spirit realm! isn’t really bothered, cos they think it’s a social construct anyway. uses he/they pronouns interchangeably, but currently feels like ‘he’ is more fitting. won’t necessarily pull anyone up on it cos he knows having an identity that’s constantly…. in flux.. can be annoying for others … and doesn’t want to be a burden even tho it isn’t at all?? rory internalises guilt

everything is socially constructed. mirrors let you move through time. the whole thing’s a metaphor. he thinks he’s got free will but really he’s trapped in a maze. in a system. all he can do is consume. people think it’s a happy game. it’s not a happy game — it’s a fucking nightmare world, and the worst thing is, it’s real and we live in it!!!!

has ocd. tries to let it affect his life as little as possible, but obviously it’s incredibly hard to control a compulsive disorder. was teased for it at school when other kids started to notice. he was obsessed with the number five, would wash his hands five times, count stairs i groups of five, he could only use the corridors in one direction and always had to keep his hands busy. it manifests itself in hyper-fixations (trains when he was a child – specifically steam engines – then later he became obsessed with space and the patterns of constellations, and now he’s obsessed with synthesizers) and repetitive behaviours like counting stairs. doesn’t really affect his social life at all, he can jst get a bit locked-on n hyper-focused sometimes.

has insomnia. barely ever sleeps. finds it hard to switch off from work / writing / gaming / whatever’s preoccupying him in that moment. he’s always awake at 5am and quite often sleeps in through classes but still gets really good grades because he’s very good at his course. rarely attends classes. prefers to work independently. doesn’t really trust his tutors are intelligent enough to be teaching him, and is particularly suspicious of the lockwood tutors. a music snob tbh

occasionally deals weed n pills when strapped for cash, but only 2 ppl he knows, and on a very small scale grass-roots level!! (so its ok???) rollerskates around campus dealing cos they dnt have a car. we love to see it

aesthetics: bed hair from a permanent state of slumber, calloused fingertips from strumming bass into the early hours and drumming into blacklit night, self-help books thumbed once and thrown beneath your bed, watching vine compilations until your eyes turn square, battered copies of choose your own adventure books, spliffs passed half-arsed across rooftops while light pollution obscures low-hanging stars

likes: techno, the webpage cats on synthesizers in space, allen ginsberg, vintage gramophones,  floating points, lcd soundsystem, marijuana, soft dogs that let you pet them, late-night strolls talking about the universe, independent films, cigarettes, herbal tea, gallows humour, long showers, brown eyes, tchaikovsky, dr. seuss, constellations, photography, late night jazz, vintage game boys and girls who could rip his still-beating heart out of his chest and use it as an ashtray. dislikes:  weddings, funerals, formality, button-up shirts that people actually button-up, bananas, hot coffee, social media, people who watch and play sports, rap music – especially of the misogynistic variety, indie wankers in wire-framed glasses that play ed sheeran songs at open mic nights.

plot ! with ! me ! i’d say all the usual “exes fwb hookups spiel” but rory… has never hooked up with anyone… i feel like a deer in the headlights of love……. so give me

study buddies,

people who are also into techno and are music snobs about it,

people who love all kinds of music,

people who are in bands that maybe rory’s recorded and produced stuff for,

people he actually jams with (he plays bass and synth),

unrequited crushes!!

actually i think rory had sex w delilah in the last version of this rp so if u want a hook up plot its possible just unlikely. they’d hav 2 be the driving force i reckon cos rory doesn’t really act on impulses like desire or anythin.... jst bottles that shit up !!! but yea we could do a spicy hook up plot maybs, depending on the person

someone they met at a knitting club in freshman year and have remained friends with despite no longer going to it

people rory knows from open mic nights and gigs

library girlfriends / boyfriends that he stares at longingly while paging through leatherbound volumes

gamers !!! social recluses !!! hermits !!

people he deals weed to on his rollerskates (why r all my characters obsessed with rollerskates)

skaters. rory is really shit at skateboarding. like really shit. help the smol

[jichew]

kim seunghun♡soulmate!au

a/n: this took….WAY TOO LONG to finish. I apologize if this au is not as cohesive bc I did write it over the span of a few weeks lol. Thank you all for waiting so patiently and feel free to leave any requests as I will be free to write this weekend!!! mwah♡

so,, in this alternate universe exists the soulmate tattoo

yes, i know so creative ;w;

essentially, you are born with the name of your soulmate tattooed somewhere on your body

and you have the absolute pleasure of having the name kim seunghun tattooed in cursive across the expanse of your right hip

spicy ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

anyway,,, you’re kind of asjsdjkSAD

bc seunghun is such a common name??? and you’ve met so many seunghuns???

but NONE of them are your soulmate :((((

you would know,, considering u basically ripped a guys shirt off when he told u that yes, his name was kim seunghun but no, he did not have ur name on his hip

uhh but that’s a story for another day :,)

anyway,,, ur kinda bummed??

and it’s gotten to the point where you’ve almost lost all hope of finding him

。・°°・(＞_＜)・°°・。

but anyway ,, life goes on I guess

SO

you’re yedam’s older sister by about 3 years

( sorry forgot to mention that important detail )

you both go to the same high school!!!

ur a senior and he’s a FRESHIE

obviously,,, hes a BABY（≧∇≦）

so ur super protective of him

and when you find out he’s been hanging out with some ,, QUESTIONABLE individuals at school

mom mode: activated

“dammie who r these kids”

“MOM, we’re part of dance club together!! they’re super nice i promise”

＼＼\٩(๑`^´๑)۶//／／

u just want your baby to stay safe u know??

so when he asks to invite his friends over to practice

you’re like ( ˘ω˘ )

yedam: (◞‸◟)

you: (　˙-˙　)

sad yedam is a big fat NO in this household

so you have no choice but to agree

and as his unofficial mom, you decide to greet his friends !

“hi, i’m y/n! bang y/n!” ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

and like ,,,, you lowkey feel bad thinking his friends were bad bc most of the guys are pretty chill

like this byounggon kid??

the epitome of looks like he wants to kill you but is actually a cinnamon roll ( ^ω^ )

but when you get to the last dude ,,,

he just kinda ~looks~ at you

and ur not gonna lie … he’s HOT

like he’s only wearing a hoodie ,, but he has silver hoops lined along his ears,, and his hair just messily grazes across his forehead

you internally: *･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･’(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)‘･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

uhhhh but also he’s staring u down like he wants to kill u

“i’m hun” he introduces himself coldly

(._.)

he still cute tho

so,,, it’s been a while and yedam has continued to bring his friends over to practice

and you’ve come to grow fond of the boys!!!

esp byounggon :,)))

you guys just click???

except,,,, there’s still a certain blonde haired boy who just doesn’t seem to like u???

like u were walking to ur class the other morning

and you just HAPPENED to see him

so u were like,,, hm let me be a nice person today(＾ｰ^)

so you run up to him and grab his shoulder

“hun!!! what’s up my guy!!” ( ＾∀＾)

honestly,, you went in to this thinking that the only thing hun would do is say hi back???

you: WRONG

he kind of freezes for a second

and you’re like???? u ok bud

he slowly turns around

and his eyes,,, literally pierce into yours

he gingerly takes your hand from its grip on your shoulder, letting it limply fall at your side

and then he slowly walks towards you until your back is pressed against the white brick wall of the hallway, his hands caging you in on either side of your head

slowly, he inches his face towards yours

“stop faking nice to me, we are not and will never be friends”

you internally: hnnngg why does he smell so nice???? is that bath and body works? since when did men shop at bath and body works??(΄◉◞౪◟◉｀)

you externally: HMPH how DARE U invade my personal bubble young man i won’t hesitate to FIGHT(● ˃̶͈̀ロ˂̶͈́)੭

and then he walks off

“FUCK YOU TOO HUN!!! I BET THAT’S NOT EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!! I HOPE U THINK ABOUT WHAT U DID WHEN U GO BACK HOME YOUNG MAN” ＼＼\٩(๑`^´๑)۶//／／

you are a BIG MAD

like??? who does this kid think he is???

you dont really bother talking to him much after that :///

but also ,, you hate yourself bc you’re still so ATTRACTED to him??? and u don’t even know why??? like bad personalities are such a turn off why ,,???

hmph

ANYWAY

so it’s a saturday night ,,

u know what that means…

party @ byounggon’s place ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

bc what’s a bullet point au w out a party am i right???

basically, gon’s parents were on vacation for the weekend, so he took the chance to have the party of the year

and after the stress of exam season, you’re ready to get SMACKED

lmao i do not support underage drinking kids!

uhhh anyway

this is your first party in a ,, while

so you dress yourself up in a red mini dress and some platform heels and strut your hot ass to gon’s house ;)

by the time you walked up to the house,, it was a full fledged RAGER 😤

so like one second,,, you’re just chilling, shaking your hips to some britney spears

and the next thing you know!! you’re downing your fifth shot of the night

“GON I THIBJK IM GONNA THROW UP”

gon: Σ('◉⌓◉’)

the next thing u know you’re in the bathroom bent over the toilet

(;´д｀)

thankfully,,, you don’t puke

but you do drink atleast five bottles of water and take a power nap on gon’s shoulder

anyway ,,, by the the time you’ve slightly sobered up, you realize your head kinda hurts and the party is still going strong but u promised gon you’d stay to clean up soooo

you end up going upstairs to NAP (ᵔᴥᵔ)

but when you open the door to the guest room at the end of the hall,,,

you just HAPPEN to see hun already there on the bed scrolling through his phone

＼＼\٩(๑`^´๑)۶//／／

this man rlly just knows how to push ur buttons huh

if you weren’t so tired maybe you would’ve taken the time to appreciate the way his leather jacket complimented his broad shoulders

like not 2 be rude but this bich looked hella good

but also ur tired :///

“what are YOU doing here”

hun finally looks up and notices you standing in the doorway

and he doesn’t say anything for a while

just kinda stares at you

and it takes you a while to realize that he’s lowkey checking you out

you wouldn’t admit it, but the way his eyes glazed over your form made a pit form in your stomach

finally he locks eyes with yours

“what do you mean what am I doing here, what are YOU doing here?”

he smirks and gets off the bed to step closer to you

“i WANTED to take a NAP but you just HAD to take the only room that doesn’t have people FUCKING” (● ˃̶͈̀ロ˂̶͈́)੭ꠥ⁾⁾

“well it’s not my fault you can’t handle your alcohol”

this BITCH

“can you PLEASE just leave”

“no”

you let out a sigh of frustration and square your hands on your hips

“why do you hate me so much”

“i never said i hated you”

“well the way you act sure makes it seem like you do” you huff

hun cocks his head a little and steps closer to you

suddenly, it seems like the idea of personal space is almost nonexistant

you look up at him

and u notice the way his hooded eyes rest on your lips

and how the air around you both has suddenly gotten heavier

and you feel your body heating up

and you realize that maybe,,, you’re not so tired anymore

“well how about i prove to you that i don’t”

hun’s voice has reached a whisper, his lips only centimeters from yours

and suddenly he’s kissing you

and you’re kissing back

perhaps it’s because you’re not completely sober that you don’t notice the way his touch burns your hip

and if you do, you ignore it

the softness of his lips against yours almost makes you feel drunk again

and the next thing you know, he’s taking off your shirt, hands finding their way to the curve of your waist

as your lips make their way down his neck, you allow yourself to do the same to him

( you wish you didn’t do that )

because as you push his shirtless body against the bed, you can’t help but notice the cursive scrawl lining his right hip

and in that moment, it feels as if you’ve never been more sober in your life

you’re frozen, eyes resting on his hip

and maybe hun, or should we now say seunghun, is not as sober as he seems, considering it takes him a while to track down the path of your eyes

and when he finally does, his heart drops in his chest

he reaches out to grasp some part, any part, of you

but you flinch away

“y/n…. this isn’t what you think it is”

his eyes are pleading you to stay and listen to him

you let out a harsh laugh

“no, no this is EXACTLY what i think it is”

“y/n please don’t -“

and suddenly you’re untangling yourself from the bed sheets, haphazardly throwing your shirt on and slamming the door behind you  

and in that moment you realize that maybe soulmates aren’t as perfect as the world makes them out to be

so the rest of the weekend is spent in your bed,,, wrapped up in ur sheets like a burrito

you don’t really cry much

you’re just ,,, confused

having the idea that your soulmate knew you were his soulmate but never told you, and better yet, acts like he hates you??

(◞‸◟)

yedam: y/n, why have u been laying in bed all day (● ˃̶͈̀ロ˂̶͈́)੭ꠥ⁾⁾

you: ;w;

and as much as dammie wants to talk to you, he has more emotional intelligence than most guys his age (or guys in general tbh)

so he pats your back, makes two bags of popcorn, puts kimi no na wa on his laptop and gets under the covers beside you

it isn’t until the end of the movie when the last of your tears have dried on your face that you look up at him with puffy eyes

“dammie, i found my soulmate”

yedam: Σ('◉⌓◉’)

“it’s not that big of a deal… i don’t think he  wants me anyway”

by the time you reach the end of the sentence, your voice falls into a whisper

perhaps you would like to believe seunghun wanted you

but some things don’t turn out the way we believe

“why would u say that” yedam looks down at you, brows furrowed in worry

“uhh, i mean -“

“WAIT … who even is your soulmate??”

you:👀🍵

“it’s … hun”

“W H A T”

and that, my friends, is how yedam realized u can’t trust people in this world :/

so it’s monday

and as you brush your teeth, you can’t help but feel uneasy knowing that you could possibly see seunghun today

thankfully you don’t

but when it’s finally nighttime and you’re making your way under your covers ,,,

unknown: y/n, open your window

unknown: i’m outside and it’s cold

unknown: this is seunghun btw…

you on the outside: what the FUCK

you on the inside: i’m literally wearing basketball shorts how am i supposed to see my soulmate like this (O_O)

and when you pull back your curtains and open your window, you are met with none other than kim seunghun barreling into your room

“how long were you out there??” (● ˃̶͈̀ロ˂̶͈́)੭ꠥ⁾⁾

“uhhh maybe an hour or so” m(._.)m

and perhaps it’s the motherly side of you that decides to pull his face down and cup his cheeks in your hands in an attempt to warm him up

and you don’t really notice how close you’ve gotten to him until you look down and realize his lips are only centimeters from yours

but when seunghun’s lips form into a little smirk at your obviously flustered state, you quickly retract your hands

“i’m sorry…”

you don’t really make a move to respond to seunghun, choosing to stare at the floor instead

“I know what i did was stupid … and i should have told you from the start… but i’ve had bad experiences in the past with soulmates and i didn’t know if -“

“that doesn’t matter, you should have just told me that you didn’t want me in the first place instead of making me feel this way”

you’re a bit pissed off now

that this dude thinks he has the right to act like that and then barge into your room??

but when you take the time to look up at him

his eyes have softened

and he moves a step closer to you

“i do want you though”

… “ w h a t “

“then why have you acted so rude to me?? when you obviously knew i was your soulmate from the start, why did you hide it??”

now seunghun is the one looking down at his hands

and he looks so defeated, before he opens his mouth

“i’m scared”

you look up at him, but he’s still looking down at his hands

“my dad rejected my mom when he found out they were soulmates. i don’t think … he wanted to deal with the commitment of having a soulmate. he thought they were stupid. so he rejected her and he went off to do whatever the hell he’s doing right now. he went off and he abandoned my mom with two year old me and we haven’t heard from him since.”

a single tear drops from his eyes

and you move a step closer and wrap your arms around him

he’s frozen for a second but he hugs you back

and you both stay there for a while, you rubbing his back in an attempt to calm him down

“i won’t ever leave you seunghun”

he pulls back

and despite his red-rimmed eyes and tear stained cheeks, he cups your face with his cold finger tips and kisses you

and you kiss him back

[fmdluna]

[bobby caldwell vc] i bet you’ve wondered where i’ve been!! hi my kings, queens, and in-betweens!! i’m so super excited to be here and present to you my kid, miss moon micha, who is also known as luna of wish!! if you don’t know me, my name is jada, and this is my second go at bringing this mess of a muse to the famed-verse!! i’m back with tons of refreshed inspiration, happiness, and love to give to you all!! so i’m super excited to establish some new connections as well as revive new ones!! i’ve missed this roleplay dearly and am happy to be back, so if you’d like to plot with me please like this and i’d be more than happy to start something up with our characters!! i’ve got discord if youd like it, but ngl i’m the worst at getting back to you. and here’s her plots, profiles, and bio if you’d like!! you know how all that goes, trivia under the cut as well!!

as a preface this whole thing will be v casual because i cba

seoul born & bred, an only child, established in 1998!!

so basically her mother comes from a pretty small town but her father’s from seoul so she started getting that coin!! 

anyways she was raised real uppity, fancy house private schools & all that. but she also lived kind of like a mixed family because her dad was borderline obsessed with western culture so he was always like speak english!! eat american food!! listen to american music!! and she would always be taken on trips to paris france usa and shit but she really didn’t care she just wanted to be at home tbh

her mom is the opposite, always urging her to know her culture & cooking her homemade food and belting all her ballads w/micha. it was a lot less forceful which is part of the reason she prefers her mom and also why she doesn’t have that much of an urge to learn english or travel to other countries & all that

anyways life went on as normal until around middle school where she discovered kpop!! this was made canon last time but i wanted to revisit it!! it sounds stupid but was v influential because it a.) made her a knight stan lol and it b.) showed her the potential of becoming an idol as a career c.) opened her up to the kpop genre!! 

you may think i’m joking but the only music she was ever exposed to was her parent’s taste so it definitely was a change for her

anyways that phase was just spent being a real cringy stan but anyways proceed

 things seem to be okay until money seems to be the only topic of her parent’s conversations - how they’ll get it, how much was lost, all that. her dad’s not making as much as he once was but is still spending like he is, her mom thinks they should downgrade in favor of affordability. the result?? messy messy divorce micha is put in the middle of. 

[tw in brackets: substance abuse & verbal abuse!! i’ll make this quick just in case people are uncomfy with strong mentions of these things!! but basically within the stress her dad found himself caught up in drugs and alcohol and it was just a mess. while he was still his normal charismatic self to others, behind closed doors he got really harsh and used really degrading speech towards them over the span of like....a year.] triggering content ends here!

so - how does this relate to micha?? this is a big reason she’s so “justice for all!! women deserve rights!! we���re powerful!!” because she saw & endured all the shit that her dad put them through and also saw how they got out of it. so now she really feels like being strong and powerful is the only way to compensate for those years that she felt weak.

but!! sad times over. anyways, after dealing with all that her mom and her decided that they’d had enough and moved to their own apartment and her mother filed for divorce. there life was a lot simpler but it was happier, because her father wasn’t in the picture. this is also why micha prefers the simplistic life and hates people who are materialistic now!!

anyways - wrapping this up because it’s 10 and i really need to post my intro lmao.

discovered her love for music!! her and her mom used to sing all the time and she loved it and was like huh maybe i should actually do this music stuff

then!! she joined dimensions for a year as a trainee, hated it, and left. thought she was done with being an idol, then got scouted by bc!! was super super excited, joined & then was a trainee for three years until her debut!!

that whole time she was mad because she felt like she was just being bounced around although she was working hard. a big big reason she’s unsatisfied with being in wish is because she thinks it wasn’t really fitting for her and they just kind of plopped her in there because they didn’t know where else to put her

but now we’re here!! she’s....very Extra. deems herself (and kind of is tbh) one of the least favorite members of wish, more in terms of the company than anything. because she’s very outspoken and speaks against issues when she sees them!!

the reason she’s like this is that she had behaved for all of training & like 2 years into wish’s career but when she realized that wasn’t getting her anywhere and her other member’s started getting opportunities and she didn’t she started acting out (because throwing tantrums makes things better!!)

she just wants a solo and it’s not happening rip

but the thing is she’s such an angel on stage and makes the money she’s supposed to for them so i mean she’s walking on thin ice but she’s not doing enough to get herself fired you know what i mean

as for her around wish, she’s a bit of a grandma?? always telling wish to hush & sit down somewhere, but also can’t be bothered to actually be their mom and take care of them lmao.

as for her public image, she’s known to be a cutesy-badass type?? because she’s real cute visually but like when her little rap parts get on the powerful woman pops out

which is fine,,, but being cute is exhausting and she’s tired and wants girl crush!!

also loves all women everywhere that’s very important

uHhh i don’t know what else to say i’ll add more later but!! she does like doing asmr videos and watching them so if you want muses to share recs!! she’s your girl!!

idk what i’m doing or what else to say but yes i’ll rant all about her in ims if you want she’s a mess ok

[galaxylohnce]

VUD paladin headcanons!!!!

BTW this is based off of @voltronuniversaldefender ‘s reboot!!! CHECK THEM OUT THEYRE DOING GOD’S WORK

also i have read approx 2 headcanons and baRELY understand this AU so if there are similarities to anyone else or inconsistencies iT IS AN ACCIDENT AND IM SORRY

anyway this is just about the 4 confirmed paladins BET ill be doing more about Fa’rah/Takashi/Zahi/Ashanti once i know a bit more about their roles in the team!!

Alvaro Garcia Valladares

he has a twin. i don't make the rules, but he has a twin.

he has a big family. the biggest family. we’re talking, his mom has 8 siblings and his dad has 9 and there’s a 10 year age gap between him and his oldest sibling and he loves them all so much

natia is his best friend. i repeat, NATIA IS HIS BEST FRIEND!!!!

he’s also quite close with kiki. Natia and Kiki are the only two that he met before their great space adventure

he wasn't really sure of his sexuality at first. (i say this because i wasn't sure of my sexuality at first - im bi btw - and all the media i saw told me that any lgbt+ character was 100% sure of their sexuality form the day they were born, which made me doubt myself bc i didn't figure it out till recently, so i wanna see that in some media!! sometime!!) he probably figured it out halfway through having a crush on someone

the someone is akio, and he definitely tells Natia about it first

“natia... natia listen.... I have a crush on akio. freakin akio.... what do i do??? I’m bi, natia... I'm bi. what does this mean -”

“alvaro, I'm so proud of you, but this is a public bathroom and akio is right outside -”

GUARANTEE that the first time he saw Akio he just basically wanted to fight him but also flirt with him and had a slight moral crisis and ended up doing nothing

he is a goddamn sharpshooter, okay. he straight up becomes famous for it throughout the galaxy.

yet despite that he’s still insecure, and those insecurities prevent him from really getting together w akio until much later

he comes off as very suave and extroverted when you first meet him, but underneath it all, he’s actually really warm, personable and funny: not that anyone outside the team know that 

aliens on social media, probably: god, the blue paladin is so cool... i bet he’s amazing and awesome and eloquent...

meanwhile, alvaro: do u guys think i could fit my whole hand in my mouth or nah?

enjoys memes, and shares this love with kiki

basically an all around great guy. because he often felt like a seventh wheel at the beginning of the formation of the team, he always tries to include everybody as best as possible, going way out of his way to ask after people, even if they forget to ask about him sometimes :’)

Natia Nanai

first off: what a gorgeous name. seriously. incredible kudos, my dude. anyway on to the head canons for this gorgeous girl

probably alvaro’s soulmate. already mentioned this, but it needs reiteration. they are best friends

had a large family too (not as big as alvaros tho) and probably major relate to him with that big family dealio

v close with kiki. they complete each other on a technological level. 

natia is very, very creative. she and her sweet engineering know how are always instrumental in getting the Team out of tough situations

Akio: theres no way out of this we’re going to die -

Natia: bet?

she does say “bet” a lot. like, almost too much? but she's always right and valid when she says it

the villain: i’ve got you now!!!!

natia, under her breath: bet

the paladins, thinking: thank god, we’re saved

very soft but also badass as hell. she has a unique duality.

pulls a violet baudelaire: she puts that GORGEOUS hair up in a ponytail when doing work or whenever she has an idea

everyone on the team, regardless of sexuality, is low-key in love with her because she’s just so nice. no one can hate her. she's way too solid of a friend

speakinG of being a great friend: natia is 100% the secret keeper up in this bitch. everyone comes to her because they know she’s got the best advice around and will take their secrets to the grave

akio: idk man... alvaro is just rlly cute, u know?? but i can't tell him...

natia, thinking of alvaro literally whining to her about akio not even five minutes ago: christ

the mom friend. she always has all the things everyone needs on hand or in her lion, and she’s got it all going in terms of chore charts and family meals. she is the queen of figuring out times for team bonding and everyone loves her more for it

definitely started a board game night asap

she has a silent bravery about her that no one else can match. despite her trepidation, natia will always do what has to be done for the greater good. 

she is guided by her heart and her morals, and is easily the kindest person on the team

bc of this kindness, she is often the diplomat when conflicts arise between people on the team

she is seen by the general public (aka the galaxy) as a strong, morally righteous woman. kind of like rosie the riveter-esque??? she’s the symbol of justice and fairness. 

aliens: she's so... peacekeeping :0

natia, at kiki: throw me that wrench, or so help me god - 

basically, a queen who always considers everyone and works really hard to create a family, even when they're all so far from home :’)

Kiki Evans

generally over it tbh

“always tired, but always inspired” - kiki, on being asked why there were dark circles under her eyes

kind of standoffish. she’s not really about being nice, she's about getting the job done, and that can rub people the wrong way, since she is always the first to offer up the cold, logical solution

but underneath that, she’s just a computer science nerd who is loyal to a fault

she really is loyal. its almost dangerous sometimes, because she would put the universe in danger to save her friends, which actually comes into conflict with her typical cold, logical approach.

she has 0-1 sibling. she's every bit the single child. she cannot relate to living in a big family setting, and at first its hard for her to deal with before she warms up to everyone else on the team

she's a genius, and thus found school to be tedious. in fact, she got fairly bad grades, as she wouldn't do the work that she saw as pointless and boring

she is a meme connoisseur, and loves to quote vines, often assisted by alvaro

kiki, as they approach a giant black hole: HZZK

alvaro, catching on immediately: is... is that real???

she is a conspiracy theorist, for sure. the government is watching us all, trying to make sure we don't learn too much.... she’s sure of it, and akio is too

tbh, the first proper conversation she had with akio was about cryptids and how the government had hidden them from the public

she was friends w natia and alvaro from before, but it is akio she becomes closest with the fastest. in some ways, she feels more distant from natia/alvaro bc of how close they are with each other and  bc all of them have known each other for so long while akio is someone she got to know recently: he has no preconceptions about who she used to be, and she has none about him

plus, she and akio relate on many levels: both trans, both gay, both autistic, both theorists, and both loyal to a fault. she finds a real blood brother in akio :D

very openly gay. very. she's a space lesbian, and theres no denying it

kiki, meeting some random space girl: oh

kiki, moments later to akio: god I'm gay

akio, downing a glass of water but acting like its vodka or smthg: god, same

the public sees her as the cold and calculating techie, the brains of the operation

natia is her partner in crime. they finish each others sentences. they've got a tech connection going, babey

kiki: if we just cross-reference the zaiforge tunnel with the -

natia, nodding: particle consummator, of course we’ll get the perfect -

them, together: amount of energy!!!

everyone else: sorry wot

basically, she's a tech goddess with a splash of genius. she's uneasy and a bit awkward, but thats just bc she’s never been in a situation like this before. after literally 1 second with her, she opens up and is such a loyal friend. :’)

Akio Himura

wow this boy is gay and he knows it

he loves his parents (zahi, takashi, and ashanti) but god he will never admit it. not ever

alvaro, after listing his parents, 20 aunts and 100 cousins: and i love them all so much, with all my heart. what about ur family akio?

akio, not wanting to show weakness: they're nerds.

alvaro: um okay cool good talk haha :)

akio, internally: but i love them nd would die for them tbh... but i can't show weakness

he's so guarded after his biological parents left/died/disappeared. poor boy

definitely a single child, and definitely adopted

his parents love him SO MUCH. so much.

akio: why do i have three parents, dad?

takashi, almost crying: its simple. u deserve so much love, that it couldn't be contained in just two people. we needed three. its how its gotta be, my beautiful, sweet summer child

a yeehaw kind of guy. he grew up in the midwest riding horses before his biological parents died and theres a piece of him that will always be a southern boy

the kind of kid in school that pretends he’s a delinquent, but actually just has the aesthetic of a delinquent, and is truly soft

akio: hell yeah I'm a rebel. i logged onto disney.com without my parents permission

kiki, choked up: so brave

mothman is his love. his passion. all cryptids, for that matter. kiki is more of an all around conspiracy theorist: akio is in it for the cryptids 

he’s a bit awkward, and doesn’t totally understand all social cues/jokes. because of this, he stays away from memes, and is very guarded when meeting new people, especially after experiences with light bullying for not only his social ineptitude, but his upbringing.

considering that, his first meeting with alvaro was supremely awkward, and akio accidentally fought with him multiple times before they established a solid friendship

akio, having a gay panic: you are the light of my life

alvaro: sorry what??

akio, panicking more: I said, you wanna fiGHT WITH A KNIFE???

he pined after alvaro from basically day one, but had the foresight to actually know that he was pining, unlike alvaro who just floundered

of course he would never say anything

he is a stabby boi. he is unrivaled in swordplay, and enjoys routine. his natural affinity for picking up new skills plus his unrivaled work ethic basically DESTROYED everyone else when it came to swords

he’s loyal af and is always the first one to take action. akio is a “do something. do anything, but do it fast before we lose a chance to do something” kind of guy

the general public sees him as the fiery one: he’s the one with the fanciest footwork in a fight, and he’s very good with battle tactics. he can come thru with that strategy at the perfect times

he's a low-key emo. for sure. he loves MCR, but strangely dislikes other similar artists like p!atd and fob. 

kiki: but...brendon urie, akio....

akio, sipping tea: as a gay, i can appreciate the aesthetic. but no one can compete with MCR

kiki, exasperated: its not a competition -

basically, a slightly guarded boy with a real talent for defending the universe and his friends, but also an emo cowboy mess who is in love with alvaro and loves everyone :’)

WELL THAT ENDED UP LONGER THAN I EXPECTED. I HOPE U ENJOY AAAA

ALSO FOLLOW @voltronuniversaldefender !!!! its amazing, guys, really check it out :D

[1800-seungshine]

the hearts’ aftermath.

member(s): park woojin & bae jinyoung genre(s): high school!au, fluff, hoobae!au summary: a simple cliché high school love story, may not be special for others but it’s special for park woojin and bae jinyoung. epilogue of ludic and responsible (requested - bullet point format) word count: 1.4k

note: a requested scenario that took me forever to write bc of my indecisive ass hahah ;; i’m really sorry if it took a while and i hope you like it! i actually had more ideas in mind but couldn’t put them bc i feared it would be too long and it’d make the entire thing more messy sighpies bUT ANYWHO i actually have no idea how this works..?? like lmao you can be either woojin’s girl or baejin’s girl or you can be both bc two is better than one! i apologise if it may seem messy too but other than that, enjoy and happy reading! < 3  p.s. idk whether y’all get tired of me saying thank you but i can’t help that bc it doesn’t amount to how much i really am grateful for the numerous support esp with the likes, follows and reblogs! thank you so much for the love ;; i will continue to work even harder < 33

guess who’s back 

back again 

woojin’s back 

tell a friend 

ok sorry i got a lil carried away whoops 

so anyways 

woojin got in trouble after your shenanigans

like yeah sure a detention and his ass whooped from his parents 

that wasn’t the big deal 

i’m referring to something bigger 

yknow that tiny crush he had on you before?? 

yeah that grew 

and it still continues to do so

because after that one fine day in which you accidentally dragged him into your own trouble 

he entered your life and you entered his

it was a gradual progress though 

at the start, it was simply a form of acknowledgement whether through grins, eye contact and waves

then it became small conversations that occurred whenever you encountered each other 

and eventually you ended up sitting with his group of friends 

sometimes you even drag him along to your schemes of skipping classes or pranking people 

everything was all fun and games 

until it came to feelings 

he has this mini-hate for you whenever it came to that subject

you kept things ambiguous that he can’t pinpoint anything 

there are times when you say things to him that feel like they hold a lot more meaning than you let on 

or those times when he catches you shyly glancing at him

yet all in all, nothing

either you were good at hiding feelings 

or you didn’t have any

yet one thing still remains

never did woojin think that he’d fall for someone as troublesome as you 

but he did anyway 

and he can’t say he hates it 

bc boy oh boy does he enjoy every second of it 

there’s this sort of thrill that he gets liking you 

but lol even if he does enjoy liking you 

doesn’t mean he’d enjoy getting rejected 

so he kept his feelings to himself and decided not to speak to anyone about it 

until someone pointed it out 

there were two new members in his friendship circle consisting of bae jinyoung, lee daehwi, park jihoon and lai guanlin

one of them was you 

and the other one? 

jinyoung’s tutor/girlfriend

the school’s blessing - everyone’s angelic sunbae 

(which can also be you bc why the hek not yknow why just be woojin’s crush when you can be baejin’s gf too)

yeah 11/10 his ass got exposed when you decided to skip classes one day

“so woojin, when are you gonna make a move?”

everyone literally stopped, dropped and rolled bc wth boi never told them

while guanlin legit jumped up from his seat, clapping his hands happily and the entire cafeteria was blessed with his yelling and dolphin laughs

“HAH I KNEW IT, WOOJIN HYUNG HAS A CRUSH! Y’ALL OWE ME CHICKEN NUGGETS!”

did they make a bet on chicken nuggets without him??

hek yeah they did (#worthit)

woojin choked on air and he became a stuttering mess, “n-no! where d-did you hear th-that?! h-hahaha that’s s-so funny! i d-don’t like y-y/n!” 

"we never said it was y/n though...?”

“. . . . . .”

“O CRAP. GOTTA GO.”

he grabbed his things and ran away from them never to be seen again 

j u s t  k i d d i n g 

TIME SKIP WHOOSH WHOOSH 

in the end, it took woojin a while to muster up the courage to confess to you 

(well, it was more like it took daehwi, guanlin, jihoon and jinyoung to verbally gang up on him to confess bc they were tired of the never-ending push and pull between you two cos it’s so obvious you liked each other so just date already gosh.)

most of the work was all thanks to jinyoung’s girlfriend who constantly encouraged him and gave him actual advice

she even helped him make a move on you by becoming close to you

unlike some other snakes who he calls friends, whom if you recall put his feelings on the line for chicken nuggets 

eventually you and woojin began to date 

the news quickly spread around the school and it made a number of the male students sad 

bc firstly, bae jinyoung stole the angel of the school 

and now woojin took the badass of the school 

but somehow no one’s mad about it cos baejin and his girl are the school’s new couple goals 

while you and woojin are the ideal “dream team” 

now y’all might be thinking those are the best otp the school has 

but jokes on you 

the best pairing around is you and baejin’s girlfriend 

a duo so great you can probably beat ongniel

you two got really close bc she helped your relationship with woojin become more than friendship

it was a weird sight at first bc two polar opposites are suddenly hanging out; one was well-loved for being a responsible and kind role model whilst the other one was loved for being cheeky and having a mischievous mind 

such contradictory that ended up as an awesome friendship

bc yknow as they say, opposite attracts

and nowadays it actually feels like you and baejin’s girlfriend are dating instead bc you two always hang out

which leaves woojin and jinyoung sulking to themselves 

like every time jinyoung’s girlfriend is on the phone texting 98% of the time she’s talking to you 

“stop two-timing, angels aren’t supposed to be cheaters.” jinyoung would complain as he’d wrap his arms around her

while she’d only laugh at him, “yah- you shouldn’t be talking especially when you scammed me into this relationship despite have such an innocent and angelic face.” 

“that’s a strategy okay! this is a different situation like seriously, are you dating me or are you dating y/n??” he’d ask her with a slight frown

“well then seems like i have to break up with you then-” she would always reply 

11/10 it works every time and baejin would end up sulking until she'd kiss his cheek 

“just kidding - i wouldn’t replace you for anyone else, baejin.”

and tbh you two have gotten so close it’s gotten to the point where baejin got jealous and decided to whip up a plan with woojin about taking you and his girl away from each other 

let me tell you it didn’t work bc y’all were inseparable after instantly clicking

srsly she got your back and vice-versa bc yknow angel-devil duo is science maths

so whenever you and woojin bicker, you two mostly result to threatening about how you’d leave one another 

woojin: i swear i’m gonna go back to jihoon if this continues >:( 

you: ye well go ahead cos jinyoung’s girlfriend is my real soulmate lmao bye felicia xx 

woojin: . . . .i was kidding ;; you know that right? 

you: weLL I WASN’T SO HAHAH BYE BOI IM LEAVING 

woojin: OK OK IM SORRY 

yeah you end up winning bc duh brotp ftw 

ofc there are even times when woojin and jinyoung bicker on whose girlfriend is better 

smh this isn’t a competition idiots 

so whenever they do that, you two just look at each other and leave 

which ends up to jinyoung and woojin eventually coming together to sulk by buying banana milk to “drown” in their sadness bc remember kids, y’all shouldn’t be drinking alcohol underaged 

but even so you love woojin more than anything in the world 

he makes you laugh and smile, your days are brighter when he’s around and you miss him when he isn’t there 

and it’s the same for jinyoung and his girl 

four different individuals with miscellaneous personalities 

which equals to two couples with different stories and different ways of affection

hence to end the story

there is no actual ending 

and no it isn’t bc i’m lazy ok shh don’t misunderstand me smh

the true ending remains a mystery bc the future is unclear and who knows what will happen to these two couples let alone these four individuals 

i mean that’s totally up to you cos duh it isn’t just me controlling this ok 

but these four have no care what happens tomorrow or the day after 

bc they live in the here and now, enjoying every second and every moment they share with their friends, their family and with their special one

and every day is a new day to create fresh and happy memories for them to cherish and remember in their hearts forever

[disappolntment]

undeveloped thoughts until a new psych don’t crucify me

actually don’t even read this I’m venting and it’s probably victim playing because I don’t think I’m going through a hard time ever apparently

gd my mum bitches about my little sister like she isn’t in the room with us

I want to be supportive and validating to them both because I see both sides

It’s just a bad position to be in. I love them both a lot but it happens every day and instead of her dealing with it she just yells at me about it and then acts like it doesn’t exist and my little sister doesn’t have any consequences but honestly the only person my sister treats like this is my mum?

Regardless a kid doesn’t understand?? They’re just getting yelled at

but I’m trying to get into a new psych, deal with my eczema and get back into uni/life and friendship circles

I can’t fix ur parenting for you

or mediate for you anymore and I’m asking you to stop but you’re still taking and I’m still giving but I’m a fucking pushover for people I love

I’ve been doing it my whole life. I didn’t know I had emotions until the age of fucking 21 because the only time you’d give me any form of attention was when you were crying about my dad (fuck yeah toxic behaviour I probably mimicked but my dad was also a narcissist so :) :) :) I have self professed daddy issues don’t I just have a fucking target on my head)

(raised to think now feel later tbh which is why I was so fucking dumb when trusting the first boy I slipped into bed with YIKES IM A DUMBASS LMAO he was a complete stranger in hindsight but I trusted brea’s input and honestly I think I was just connected to her? Not her fault lovely human who went through a lot also even if she hates me lmao)

Find your own fucking voice of reason REGARDLESS MUM

She doesn’t even listen to advice and just talks over me all of the time? infuriating. I asked her yesterday if she was going through a difficult time lately and she told me no? She is having the best time everything is going really well for her etc she is really excited about life and the business

She genuinely is on top of the moon every single day. But the only things she speaks to me about: her emotional baggage. stress. this needs to be a double ended stick. to get support you need to give it. because The way Annabelle talks to you is the least of my issues when I have split personalities induced by psychosis. (My own fault. I’m an adult. I’m not blaming her).

When I black out for 3 days straight and don’t remember the last 3 years of my life...

I need a hospital.

I need a good psychiatrist and I’m in a position where I am PHYSICALLY unable to get it.

I don’t need to hear your emotional baggage.

I’m going through a hard time right now and I can’t give mundane support to people.

I’m so selfish though?

deal with your own shit IM BEING AN ACTIVE LISTENER and giving you decent support and you aren’t even asking me how my day is in return.

I do it because I love you but I fucking can’t even love myself right now please stop doing this if you don’t 100% need it? I’m only one person. This is just stupid.

everything is genuinely my fault coming down from losing reeya (especially because she heavily sided with my ex after validating the abuse but tbh I think I treated her like trash so I kinda understand and that genuinely is her decision I hope she is doing well now and we have both grown idk it was probably for the best I’m so self destructive all of the time which isn’t tight in friendships but ya girls first relationship her fucking dad died in it I’m not a miracle working despite putting on a brave face. Again not her fault she had no responsibility by me at all this is a general observation

I’m not a psychologist so I don’t know who did who wrong especially after reading the messages she and joe exchanged?? But I was always acting how I felt and being honest and he was just guilt tripping me and making me feel bad about my concerns and lack of support idk how fucked up are large groups of people heavily addicted to weed and in denial about it)

(Actually in hindsight she did side with him and: It’s just so unsettling that my ex never spoke to me about the way he was feeling only to my support networks lol? Narcissist. He would always SHIT talk everybody he had ever encountered he hates everybody except the friends sexually assaulting me on a regular basis and thinks everybody is doing him wrong and I was the only reason he probably still has friends or a brother and am currently in a position where he can make his own life. bet they all fucking dropped off the face of the earth when you stopped having a hot girlfriend they could actively fondle and you to deny it. But then again prolly not y’all all into younger girls anyway??? Actively pursuing 17 yos is still a fucking crime :) :) sex fuelled perverts )

And having to admit to myself my ex actually is trash and all of these people I was convinced were lovely and good for me weren’t actually. All of these little things are coming back and genuinely no friends should be hearing them when they do? Because it did happen two months ago and I should be over it.

fuck yeah the incredible anxiety in public (only around men) I physically can’t control HAS BEEN REAL AND SOMETHING I haven’t had to deal with in so long

I literally

Just

Shut down

I can’t breathe

But I’m fucking dealing with it in a healthy manner I don’t need anybody to act sorry for me I need long term support and I don’t get that from my family SO IM FUCKING DEALING WITH IT. IT ISNT MY FRIENDS ISSUE.

but here I am playing victim because my issues aren’t even that bad 👈👈😎 and I’m okay being alive when I’m tending to my plants dog and video games

this past year has been hell on earth (I didn’t even know I was going through a hard time honestly #gaslighting) and I have a hard time creating new support networks which is fine because we are also working on thaaaaat I’m just venting Rn. I’m pleased to report I have a lovely group of friends that took me out and dropped me off at a party during PEAK SOCIAL ANXIETY I COULDNT GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT HOLDING EITHER SAMS OR JAYDES HAND they’re fucking lovely and I forget I have mental issues around them they’re actually fucking phenomenal

REGARDLESS I needed to vent a little so that continues:

yes, I can help you

but no, you aren’t getting help

********* I shouldnt need to be having emotional outbursts 24/7 for people to acknowledge they’re effecting me or I’m going through a hard time. I’m not like that!!!! I should just be able to tell them my boundaries and conveye WHATS going on and them recognise and respect me *********

If I’m being a little bitch isn’t that the point of talking about it? fucking hurt my feelings I don’t care it’s PRODUCTIVE even if you fucking need time to like sit on them I’m so understanding WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU NEED I KNOW IT CAN BE ROUGH

“Sorry” just fucking guiltrips people without change

But it also prevents you from making meaningful connections with people if you refuse to change.

(Have fun being your dad dumbass xx)

DO WRONG? ITS GOING TO BE CONFRONTED IF I LOVE YOU BECAUSE I WANT THE BEST FOR YOU AND in turn us. Stop being a bitch about it.

But I can’t even say that with complete conviction nowadays especially in the company of people after my last relationship and my ex best friend because my reactions were mine in all of it and I did lose reeya. Objectively speaking I must have been shit because reeya isn’t a dumb person?

still haven’t told my shit psych about any of this because he is cracking onto my mum and me

And actively telling me I can’t pursue uni or any goals I bring to the table. Always cuts me off when I wish to vent.

Stress

all because I saw his face today and he acted happy to see me which is a fucking lie because that man does not have a single ounce of empathy and that’s still so apparent because all he does is fuck freshly 18-19 yo’s and bitch to my loved ones how much he misses me like lmao you never even established a bond with me I was just a trophy. but anyway he has never actually apologised or attempted to rectify any of his mistakes the only thing he has ever said to me was shit like “*fake tear* you hate me” “you just want to fuck him” (I HAVE SUCH A LOW SEX DRIVE IM ALMOST POSITIVE IM ASEXUAL I DONT WANT TO FUCK ANYBODY UNLESS IM OBSESSED WITH THEM AND I WOULD TELL HIM THIS AND HE WOULD ALWAYS TELL ME IM LYING OR IMPLY IT IM JUST TRYING TO FUCKING ACCURATELY EXPRESS MYSELF AND YOURE GUILT TRIPPING ME) “I look shit (my dad literally just died and the entire Italian family is downstairs arguing about the funeral and shit talking me to my face and I’m crying about it and the only things he says is that. I yelled at him constructive things like: it probably wasn’t the time for that I just needed support for a little while?? I felt bad and started comforting him because I loved him and him being happy made me feel better.)”

Occasionally when he was drunk “I’m the best” NARCISSISTS

Such a fucking victim playing narcissist (and his brother does it too to this poor girl named Phoenix??? But she is leaving soon if Mitch doesn’t decide following in his big brothers footsteps, fucking people younger than his little brother, is detrimental. I hope they get off drugs and spend time away from mitchs family. I’m always torn between sending her a message to establish an “sos” contact in the area but Sam still lives there so that’s comforting? But also not really because that environment is not good for Sam to be in. Torn.)

You weren’t the one cheated on buddy. You weren’t the one gaslit. You weren’t the one who lost their dad and family and had no support other than “I hate myself”.

You got an angry reaction. You did something shit.

Also;

Yes, that man in public is interesting.

Yes, I am having human conversation with him and am learning things.

Yes, I am denying his advances.

No, I clearly don’t want to fuck him. He knows I have a boyfriend. You are POSSESSIVE AND TOXIC AND IN COMPLETE DENIAL ABOUT IT. I DONT CHEAT ON PEOPLE AND IVE NEVER CHEATED ON ANYBODY. I GREW UP WITNESSING THE EFFECTS IT HAD ON MY FUCKING MUM. STOP TAKING A MALE HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR HOT GIRLFRIEND AS AN EGO JAB. FUCKWIT.

YOURE EXACTLY LIKE YOUR FUCKING DAD THAT EVEN TRIED THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE ON ME IN HINDSIGHT

You. Are. Definition of shit buddy.

I told you everything and was made to feel emotionless? I literally gave you all of my emotions. Im so dumbbbb.

You had them.

Fuck you.

My emotional responses were so skewed because you GASLIT ME.

Trash is the human that gaslights a girl losing; her dad to cancer and entire family to the ordeal.

Trash is the human that says he wants to love and support a girl going through shit like that, and believes his victim playing/self deprecating ‘issues’ are bigger than hers.

You aren’t caring because you financially supported bringing me along for your life style so you can show me off?

Closure is just something I have to live without in both regards though. Which is shit because I genuinely want to grow from fucking up that friendship with reeya?? But also I’m so mad she took my ex’s side. Like... take no side at all if you can’t make a decision.

Both people could be equal parts the problem. It’s a fucking breakup.

I think I’m mad and guilty because I let joe use all of my support networks to validate himself.... but only after they validated me.

“Do better than your parents”

But I don’t understand if I should be angry or guilty over that entire ordeal?? Because I understand clouded judgement during that time and going through your own shit and hating me during that time I was a fucking DUMBASS and a sympathiser to somebody negatively effecting me “because he has done so much for me” (it should be a thankless fucking task I gave him the opportunity to leave before this entire thing I sat him down in his dorm room and said stuff in my home life is about to get rough I don’t know how I’m going to react. I’m prepared to break things off for the time being are you positive you’re prepared to do this with me it’s genuinely okay if you aren’t.)

(All in all: acknowledging so many mistakes I made like not reacting to a lot of things and giving people the benefit of the doubt; anyway I’m actively trying to correct them and it’s difficult in this environment because my families issues are mineeeeeeee B) B) B) BUT ALSO GIVING MYSELF TO PEOPLE STRAIGHT AWAY and now I have to relearn boundaries which is fucking TIGHT)

I wish them both the best regardless.

I probably did fuck it all up.

But like they’d ever tell me? Like I’ll ever get their side.

I genuinely didn’t mean to hurt anybody and was only trying to keep the peace in every regard because that’s genuinely how I was raised

But I just didn’t know that’s actually detrimental? Like people pleasing and shit (I’m growing all over again and realigning my moral compass)

So confusing because I never used to be a people pleaser with my friendship groups or anything like that.

I feel like I just unlearnt all of the information and dialogue I worked really hard trying to secure in a relationship :) I can’t even cope with my mum bitching about my little sister without having a mental breakdown now.

it’s all coming up milhouse-

my dog is fat (he got into the giant food bag like twice and almost flipped his stomach but instead put on about 50kgs so now I’m the owner of a fat Labrador) and dog aggressive now when other dogs try and hump him (it’s very weird for renny he is usually very patient but there’s a new puppy in the family so he is kinda over being the rest dummy I think)

I’m just going to invest my time into fatass and see what happens

I don’t know what I need or who to get advice from but I’m sick of joe always being in my environment nd if people don’t let me run anyway soon prolly gna neck because everybody I love sympathises with him so much which is so confusing for me it’s like people are going to fucking validate my emotions (which means fuck all now???) and also sympathise with my fucking abuser (which also needs to be validated by a psych because this is just beyond my support networks and me anyway)

👈👈😎

but alas here covid is so I can’t run away which isn’t an answer anyway but at least then maybe I can focus on myself for a day without everybody I love abandoning me

I’m a massive victim have pitty on me I hope things look up with this new psych and they don’t just convince me I’m playing victim too but invalidating everything I say. but it’s for the best because I think I get greedy when people give me a platform when I need intense emotional support (sorry you had to deal with any of this reeya)

fuck yeah

cant even blame my mum for guilt tripping me into accepting help from my ex while on holidays it’s my fault I was in that position!!!! because I’m a shit person who genuinely deserves to be alone for the shit she has done!!!! and her mother’s issues have always been hers!!!! But I just wanted to make everybody happy and you kept reassuring me it was okay!!!!!

so fuck everybody that thinks I’m a horrible person right off the bat when men are capable of making their own decisions especially when I’m giving them all of the facts???? Fuck victim players!!!!

AGAIN DONT CRUCIFY ME THESE ARE ALL UNDERDEVELOPED BECAUSE IVE HAD NO GUIDANCE AND STRUGGLE WITH INTENSE MEMORY LOSS THE PAST 3 YEARS ALL I CAN DOCUMENT IS THE WAY I FEEL AND IM SEEing A PSYCH SOON ALL I Can do in the meantime is treat the people in my current circle with respect but I’m struggling and need my family to support me emotionally a little without invalidating me? But I can’t dump all of my shit on them consistently because fuck this level of emotional baggage on anybody other than a psych or myself lmao

But that’s okay because people will never understand how the individual feels and it genuinely is up to me to deal with my own shit.

[talesfromacrip]

Tea Time With Yours Truly:

Don’t you love it when you finally realize you’re truly moving on from a toxic situation like the adult you are, when a song you like makes you rethink your visions, feelings, etc. of someone?? or it that me? everything starts to feel entirely new again though regardless. better n’ cooler bc you know you’re not suffering anymore.. just, a fantastic feeling. woo

fucking incredible. I’m F R E E. absolutely free. still hurts though. some things made me realize I should’ve done it sooner and I did. as best I could, i did.I tried all I could and I succeeded for the most part,but damn do they haunt me so badly. I hate it.

Go away, pest. the last 5/6 years have been an emotional roller coaster for me and I want off.somehow I did,the ride still catching me occasionally and pulling me back on, dragging me to the unknown

((some good things happened here n’ there like me meeting some friends I still talk toooo, playing new games and finding new animes))

it’s just good to know though that my mind doesn’t associate them with anything anymore bc they didn’t deserve anything much tbh. just like told me

———

———

I really want to bug my online buds constantly. From when I get up to when I fall asleep. send them memes, all that funky jazz..but I don’t. I can’t. I feel like I’m too clingy.. too needy.

I AM ACTUALLY. I shouldn’t care, but I do. Maybe it’s because I’m too emotional, too sensitive, too much, blah, blah, blah. Something "bad". Shit the grump hated that has just stuck to me like black balloons since. (( NF is the same with his mental issues. I’m glad to know I’m not alone with thinking of depression, anxiety, etc. as black balloons. Their like lifeless weights, but we still feel them weighing us down))

I love constant communication, especially from close friends.. bug me. 24/7. whenever, whatever. I don’t do anything. much that is. I’m overwhelmed when communicating nowadays so help me out pls??or not><

I don’t ask for it much though bc i was put down for asking for it. I was always told to say certain things as well, not think a certain way, send things at certain times. nothing nsfw even though we where adults. no art much bc it was always judged, other dumb shit.. I felt like the ultimate fucking bother bc of that.. person.

So I stayed to myself because of that and that made me worse ove time.

((I drove some people away when I did and I still am I feel,but I’m trying not too.. I couldn’t deal with myself though, I felt absolutely horrible. When I did, I said some nasty shit and I regret it all because a prick made me feel like complete shit and worthless about myself. I didn’t have to take it out on others like that, but wow.. I did. If I told anyone though,he’d come after me and that was what I didn’t want.. so nice huh?))

I felt like a broken down old dog. I still feel like that occasionally not as bad. not a pleasant feeling at all though

Are all of the things that make me like this really that bad or annoying or make me even less though?? fuck no it doesn’t. It makes me wayyyy better and much more cooler honestly, but those feelings still linger bc the manipulation was so bad..

—

Why the hell would you want me to be boring or better yet be with a boring person who doesn’t talk much and puts others down for similar behavior??

Why would I be with someone who doesn’t share any interests with me much or puts mine down bc they’re childish or unnecessary??

Why would I be with someone that doesn’t communicate anything at all and whatnot,like...please tell me??

I’m genuinely fucking interested.

-

They told me I was always being too nice all the time. too soft, too babyish. too honest. too sensitive. blah, blah, blahhh. whenever I said something that was tooo personal or informative it’s like: "That’s too much information don’t ya think??" UMM, N O?? "Don’t say that around me ever or I’ll unfriend you and never speak to you again." Okay.. THEN DO IT, PUSSY.

Fucking asshat, douche canoe looking ass cunt.. ((He didn’t like those words or almost any word tbh it seems. true killjoy, I swear and I thought I was. I couldn’t even say oh my god or anything with lord in it because he’d then start saying "why are you saying that when you’re an atheist?" Umm actually I’m agnostic.. ))

he hated the whole "umm actually" deal too that I would do.. literally drove me up the damn wall every time. who fucking cares if I say that?? I’ve been accustomed to it because of my parents and people in general. come the fuck on now

It’s pretty common to say, twit. Don’t take it seriously, joke or not to piss me off to make you happy..man, he irritated the hell out of me and I’m glad he’s gone. like..look ‘bud’ should I just be angry and a constant liar and hateful and just, overall vile like you then all the time?? Guess so huh!! ohh boy!!

Which was almost that unfortunately.. i’m not good at lying and all like you though, you snake. when I did it wasn’t how I was feeling, it was how you felt.. which disgusted me.

I was always honest to you. maybe a few lies, but those were mostly about certain games that I didn’t really play and what I was laughing at. which was your dumb ass most of the time.

He made me start to hate things that made me very happy by being a total prick about it.. I miss feeling overwhelmed with overflowing joy for the things that bring and brought me peace.

I still have it, but it’s not as strong as it was before because some dumb fuck stepped on it too much telling me I’m weak in the process.

I couldn’t like anything anymore much without hearing him yelling at me occasionally and others as well that I never noticed till everything happened. just,yelling at me loudly and telling me how awful i am and other annoying, idiotic shit.. maybe that was your plan all along , to ruin me. ruin my confidence, my strength and my will to move up and thrive in life..

you tried dragging me down your well for being myself when you couldn’t.. pathetic. I bet you’re happy bc you feel like you ‘succeeded’ with this,but you didn’t win the war.

You never will

———

———

they always manipulated me to dislike the things in life that made me happy. This irritated me a lot.. ((my interests in obscure and ‘buttrock’ bands/music in general, anime, weird games, my love for peculiar art, my badass friends..))

said absolute dumb shit if I got closer to some more than them. ((making me waste sooo much god damn time. say you’re busy all the time even though you live a "boring fucking same day to day lifestyle." tell them how you can’t message all the time when in fact you can and that you’re constantly on the only device that gets you connected to the world outside. tell them.)) makin me lie and be distant about how I felt with some of my amazing friends..

It was never about how I truly felt, but how they felt for me. (("Ohh they made you feel like that?? Well, it made me feel like this and you should too because //insert dumb explanation here//.", "You shouldn’t feel like that towards them, they don’t deserve it.", "Maybe I deserve to be treated like that instead, screw them.", "Don’t feel like that towards them or //issue//, thats absolutely appalling, childish, flat out sappy.", "Don’t let them know how you’re really feeling.. just act like you don’t care at all. They don’t care to help you anyway or else you’d be living a better life.", "They’ll just spread it around so just stay quiet instead until spoken too about it."))

E N D ME !!!  

Pls, I beg of you.. not really but the thoughts though, please

———

———

he would tell me to not bug him when hes on a game, but he could to me. even on social media, which is how we stayed connected and not by messenger pigeons like it’s the 1500’s.

"Don’t bug me on FB when I’m not on." Okay, but I wanna share this with you...?? also, how the hell am I gonna know when you’re on when I’m drawing and trying to occupy my on edge brain??

proceeds to spam me shit in process irritating me. "Don’t bug me, don’t bug me" I hear like a whiny little baby.

"Why do you bug me all the time??" UMM, MAYBE BECAUSE I CARE AND I WANT TO UHHH, IDK SHARE THIS NEAT SHIT WITH YOU??? PENDEJO PUTA DE MIERDA!!

"I’ll message you and send invites when I feel like it." - Shithead towards the end. Circa 1818. ((Yeah, weeks or a month later like nothing happened. "I’ll see you later or tonight when I see you on, get back on, when I’m done eating" just, excuse after excuse..))

((IM ALWAYS FUCKIN ONLINE 24 GAT DAMN 7.  YOU KNOW THIS, SHITHEAD. I ALWAYS WANT TO TALK TO YOU OR SOMEONE IN THE DAMN GROUP. DNT FUCK WIT ME, MY TIME, OR PATIENCE LIKE THAT ANYMORE. ENOUGH. S T O P. And it did.. thank g o d))

———

———

would literally make me wait around and feel like a complete and utter fool when instead he could’ve messaged and been like maybe tomorrow or something, but no.. nothing. made me believe in all sorts of dumb shit. ((Sad I did, but I was pretty gullible. still am. some stuff was just, a big nope though and obvious. I wouldn’t let him get to me that much, but he did in some ways.. disgusting ..))

I was made to feel like I was cared for when in fact I never was to begin with. explains a lot tbh. I felt like a disgusting half empty shell of a person with barely any fragments of a heart and soul left inside. that’s very dark, I know, but that’s how it feels in a way

"It’s not real, this depression you’re feeling, it’s just a phase. it’ll pass/ just suck it up and move on / don’t worry about it you’re fine, you’re just overreacting or overthinking about it / think positive more and be happy nothing bad has really happened to you yet/ I remember when you didn’t act like this."

HOW AND WHAT?!? EXCUSE ME, PEASANT!? SAY THAT AGAIN.. TO MY ACTUAL FACE. I DARE YOU N’ YEAH, I DO TO CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.

———

———

I love how people ((friends and some mutuals)) thought I actually wanted to be, be with him, romantically and all that, that is but I just couldn’t..it was never there. I felt it for others though or someone to be exact, during those times which is how I knew I was in a toxic situation and it wasn’t real love or love in general I felt for them. just a facade

I just couldn’t let people know how badly he was treating me so I was sucked into a woven web of lies that got out of hand and ruined some pretty good moments for me completely it seemed

I never once wanted to fuck him or anything of the sort.

at first, we were kinda flirty and sweet with one another. talkin about cuddlin n’ goin on silly dates when we meet ya know. cute and fluffy things. things I got shit for down the road keep in mind. we’d give each other cute lil compliments to one another. It was just, cute and fun stuff ya know. especially since we were young as well.

there was never anything sexual between us either or too sexual, just crushy feels. ((I’m really fucking glad because mm, mmm. hard fucking pass))

he’d never and i mean never get my moist meter high, EVER. drier than this damn valley I live with scattered tumbleweeds, I tell you. not even a lil tingle. no bells ringing.fireworks flinging. I thought about it too and I’d just get disgusted tbh. thats how I knew

I felt like he’d be the worst in the end anyway and he was in general. he wasn’t even comfortable with himself or his sexuality and others things.. sooo, noooo, NOPE. thank u, next!!

I’m completely comfortable with mine.. thanks to my friends and some a bit more. I’m a bit scared to admit though that I’m demi bc of manipulation, but it is.

Happens unfortunately and I know I’m not alone on this journey of self acceptance. I wouldn’t have mind talking about it though, in a calm civil manner like adults do instead of giggling and making weird noises like an idiotic child.

Having it being brought up randomly amongst mutuals and all that got extremely awkward too as well, I hated it. "You wanna fuck him?", "You ever thought about it you two since y’all so close?" crickets and a few mumbled noises.. HA.mmm, I cared about him or what was left of him, not like that. honey flower ain’t or never will be feelin it for him.. EVER. HE EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATED ME AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW SEX THAT MUCH OR MYSELF LIKE THAT SO FUCK HIM. uwu

She’s kinda quiet and scared tbh because he’s such a total killjoy asshole. she senses fear. she knows who really gets her bud blooming. just, the thought of him though like that made me wanna scream and kick him in this stupid ass face.

Ruined a lot of things for me, I swear but I’m moving on as best as I can.

—

He had this switch flip type of mood. I don’t even remember how or why it happened, but it just got worse during and after his breakup it seems.

Which was like 3-4 years ago. started happening out of the blue and over time it just started to bug the living fuck out of me. daily. I was starting to hate it and hate it I did. made my skin crawl.. ((all the Linkin Park jokes))

It made me hate myself which I never did much tbh and I didn’t like that at all.. I wanted out, but I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know who to talk to bc he’d come after me if I did especially if they knew him..

they didn’t though and were on my side, but yeah. I’m glad it stopped

A L L OF IT. I don’t need that kind ‘love’ in my life. that,awful presence. I don’t need any of that at all.. MMM, MMM BYE, BYE!! Disgusting.

———

———

I wanted to help em try to be happy so fuckin bad after what happened ya know as friends do, when it should’ve been myself making me happy instead.. it was,but everything just got to me.

All the sighs. How lovely huh. We were ‘best friends’ ya know. I can’t even really call anyone that much bc it unnerves me. you’re supposed to make each other happy and all that as best friends, not a sad sack of low shit.

I can’t believe I wanted to be with him and or be around him that is... eughh. I was confused and in a dangerous situation towards the end.. feels like it was my fault, but it wasn’t.

Couldn’t talk to anyone about it. It was extremely fucking stupid on my part

Long time or not, why? just, holding onto old times I guess

That’s where I messed up. I didn’t even really bother trying to be with him tbh as I’ve said. in the beginning maybe yeah when we were younger, but he made me feel less and less over time as we grew older. I was embarrassed about a lot of shit and slowly I just finally realized how much of an asshole he really and truly is and how bad I wanted him out my life.

I couldn’t get away and when I did, he’d still be there someway.. haunting me with his negative nagging.it was dumb I know. I just don’t know exactly how I got lost in it so damn badly, but man, am I really dumb for doing it..

I wholeheartedly despise those feelings I had then and I fucking despise them now. ALL OF THEM. THEY HAVE RUINED MY LIFE AND IDK WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

((Great character development though, Cynth. Growing up and moving on. Something he could never do))

I don’t want to bring these problems into anyone else’s life and I did and I regret it.. I would like to disconnect from the server please bc of it, thank you

———

———

I was made to feel like my disability was cureable around him and that I can do shit when I get my operations done when in fact, I can’t at all and won’t ever get ‘cured’ or anything like that of the sort.typical ableist /lamdwalker activity. despite how many times I told him,he’d forget. Mhmm, sure.. you only heard what you wanted. It’s fine

"We’ll be able to do this when you get said //part// fixed.." what? can I not do that now or something?? I know I can’t, but I can at least try right?? am I really not that good enough to be around and do shit with?? guess so, cool. Okay, I see. I really tolerated some extreme ableism and I still do, but it’s not as bad as that was..

I wish I could cure my RA though like that and have said money to do it. Snap my fingers and it’s done right? ummm, no. not as easy you think dumb ass. I have fused joints, osteo, it’s everywhere like how the hell am I gonna fix that so easily?? tell me, doc

You trippin more than younger me did. I think that’s why he just flat out ditched me in the end and got a gf while he was at it that had an almost exact personality as me in the process. he would point it out too and made me feel fucking creeped out even more.. like, I get it. can’t be youre, abled dream

Why do you care if we’re alike in some ways though?? ((Look where it got him though. He’s still struggling with it, the breakup, bringing it up once n’ awhile like it didn’t happen. It was hilarious to me bc he really was a basket case. I know he was trying to get rid of it, but he was more obsessive about it than a mf))

thankful I don’t deal with it anymore

———

———

"You live the same day to day lifestyle. Ever since you and I graduated. The same fucking thing. The only new things you do are go to your stupid concerts or teach those weird kids. I see it or you end up telling me anyway." ((I know captain obvious yet again.. at least I’m having fun when I’m doing that. concerts for my favorite bands make me happy, teaching my kids do too ya asshole))

"Nothing is gonna change anyway if you get those procedures done. It’ll be worse for you and we all know that. Just deal with it and try to move on." ((I hate hearing your voice in my head. I want to ban it, mute it from all existence.. I’ve been replacing it with others and I’m glad it’s working))

———

———

I keep hearing his voice sometimes when I post something on social media. not his actual voice, but something similar, especially in tone. moody and monotone. art,status, any of those with hashtags, rt‘s, anything.. I heard it

"Why did you post that?? Looking for attention or something?", "Not many people liked it because it’s //insert stuff I love here//", "Don’t like shit like that. I don’t want to scroll around awkwardly when I’m out.", "I saw what you put. Idk how to approach it, but I’ll like it to show you I care/to look at later to process."

Tf does that mean and huh?? Why do you care what I put anyway?? I don’t care what you put so why should you care what I put?? Why make me feel like shit for putting this up or talking about something I have some balls too. I want people to know. I’m close to some of these people

I haven’t been posting much because of that. It’s very noticeable and my some of my friends can vouch for it from the viewing couch. renders I do of friends stuff, my original work, OC stuff, fan arts. A L L gets judged by the mighty grump. who it is, colors, the style, shading.. nothing was good enough I guess. even though you said it was and so did my brain at one point. It does, but she’s just not that confident much anymore

He’d get on fan art which was the most irritating thing. "Try and draw like that or do something like that for once.", "They didn’t get me right.. did you give them the references? Even though you still haven’t made a proper one?", "Why did they draw me like that?", "That’s cool. Why my character though?" PEOPLE DRAW IN THEIR OWN WAYS IN MANY STYLES AND CAN CREATIVELY DO WHATEVER THEYD LIKE YA FUCKIN DUMBASS. IN THE END, ITS MY CHARACTER ANYWAY. YOU DIDNT DRAW HIM. I DID N’ WHO CARES. MAYBE THEY LIKE YOUR CHARACTER OR IDK I REQUESTED IT TO MAKE YOUR SAD ASS HAPPY.

"Ohh yeah, I used to draw back in the day." The shit he sent me was traced, had his signature on it covering the original artists, no consistent style. Straight up thief and ugly liar. He can’t even draw a straight line, let alone paint a piece. Please, boy. I KNEW IT AND HED MANIPULATE ME INTO THINKING IT WAS AND I KNEW. AINT FOOLING ME THERE. I maybe or might’ve been extremely gullible as a teen, but ooohhh honeyyyy, I knew, I knew.

Artist my ass. Yeah con artist :))

———

———

I hated the awkward silence moments between us when we spoke. I literally wanted to fucking scream at you like you did to me sometimes when you were having a "bad day".

I wanted to yell at you about everything you’ve ever done to me the last time we talked and I just broke down instead because I am an "emotional bitch" as you say. HOLY SHIT though, are you boring. I thought I was, but I just get dissociative and I space out because I didn’t know what to say and when I did,I got judged for it. for everything else as wel which made me feel worse. fuucking fantastic you are

You made me feel like I was was swirling in this dead and extremely lonely silence that was ever so slowly drowning me and dragging me down.. ((Like BMTH says, don’t let me drown and you did to an extent)) i couldn’t breathe right for the longest time with you there.. felt like an enormous weight on my chest

when I was in there, it was awful and made me feel worse. I didn’t want to leave and when I did,you’d think I’d be having a fit or something.so, I would stay until you left and when you did it was absolute freedom.

I swear I hated being around you. I got judged for making any sort of weird noise, hiccup, burp, humming, my singing, jokes. such a fun person you are, hmph

[changji]

There’s a limit for when you’re in school but in summer I can do whatever I want bc it’s a Free Country 🤪 u miss are not allowed to get sick u hear me or else I will personally fly to cali & nurse you 😤 A STARBUCKS DRINK FOR $4.85 EYE- THAT’S SO GOOD WTFF I DON’T THINK I’VE PAID LESS THAN $5 FOR A DRINK THERE. You’re really out here like that

Ah I forgot to say how often I climb but I usually try for 3+ times a month bc the gym is pretty far away (by far i mean 2 different buses & an hour of crying). When I first started I was being taught how to tie a figure 8 knot (which is the most important one you need so you don’t die) and i couldn’t fucking get it right so the instructor had to go over it 193837 times & was getting annoyed @ me. LOL I couldn’t look him in the eye at all and my face had never been redder that day lmfao

At least ur teachers like you. I’m like that one student that never says anything and just sits there with an rbf so idk what my teachers think of me LOL. Half the time they don’t know I’m there. I got marked absent a couple times before but i was there in class 😤😤 ohh that’s cool. Band season runs the entire year for my school but that’s probably bc it’s a credit course. Newborn babies kinda are, it’s when they reach a couple months old they become cute

LOL how do you pronounce breakfast? I say salmon with the L & I get hated on by everyone. Taeyomi was great but changji is even better. Like changbin + jisung? Genius. Legends Only. Jkhsdiweiihfew I’m glad my url has an impact on ur daily life 🥵🥵 languages are so hard, I’m literally illiterate in every single one ik. Ikr? Our names are so easy like how do u mispronounce arella? One time  someone spelt my name as Adly and I wanted to Perish

The chance the skip 2 math levels? Once again ur a genius legend. I could never esp w math holy moly. Okay dark ones it is!! I was thinking either the 1st or 2nd ones? Which do u like more? Ah new friends. The first weeks are always so awkward bc you don’t really know them well so you don’t know how much of urself you wanna expose (or it’s just me. I’m too much of a crackhead apparently). Wait a moment. Do you have multiple buildings at ur school like a uni campus??

Make out spots at my school is this one sketchy stairwell where all the scary ppl are. The whole school just smells like weed bc 90% of the school are potheads. Alright that’s the deal if we die we die together 😤 I have never heard of bathroom portables before,, those sounds so Extra. Are they like a porta potty? Omg speaking of older grades a bunch of girls who graduated last year came to my work & I was like “oh shit lol ik u all this is awkward” 

Oof I’m the older sister so like. Favouritism never works in my favour. My sister will literally start a fight w me but I’m the only one who gets lectured in the end. Like. Bitch u started this 😤 I’m on the older side out of my cousins so I’m just Ignored 😪 I’m placing my bet on 2k words right now for our convos 

-

ah makes sense, i thought there was a time for summer too but it might just be here or i’m dumb 😔 I CANT AFFORD TO GET SICK MISSING ONE DAY OF SCHOOL WILL NOT HELP ME AT ALL ! but thank u for ur concern miss, u should just fly to cali anyway 😪 myb i’ll go to u can i hitchike from here ?? IT IS SO GOOD ITS AMAZING IT WAS SO CHEAP but the drink was super sweet 🤢 i have converted back to normal lattes with no syrup. peet’s is usually 5.20 for my drink and it’s so strong i don’t need extra shots ☺️ 

3 times,, a month,, i go to the mall like 3 times a week, look @ u being so athletic! tbh i sound lame but i’ve never taken a bus (other than a school bus for field trips) before like. buses here are lowkey sketch but it’s mostly college students. i rely on my parents and uber 🤧 sometimes i walk but. i don’t like to but if i have to i will oop. it takes an hour to get there and an hour back then right? i can’t imagine bro omg i’d just die. i know how to knot my shoelaces and never being able to untangle them so i now wear slip ons 🤪 poor ada, were like the same person but that was me when i took a knitting class for some reason and couldn’t do any of it 😪

okay idk if i told u yet but my ap euro teacher asked who’s been to italy so i raised my hand, he asked how it was and i said “the gelato is rly good” and his face was just. utter disappointment. turns out he was asking abt the art but he didnt clarify it and we weren’t even talking abt art so now i’m known as That Girl 😔 it’s hard to miss me oop, if it’s quiet then i’m sleeping & all my teachers last year knew this 😪 how do u get marked absent?? i wish band was a credit course but it’s only extra curricular 😔 are ur teachers snakes i will Step on them. newborns look fake but yeah they get cute when they’re like half a year old. 

like. brek-fust by my friends says brek-fist like it’s more of a u sound than an i but go off u idiots. salmon with the L,, ada,, no,, if u say carmel instead of caramel i’m gonna riot. ugh thanks bro i was lucky someone gave me this url, but nohyuckclub? aka the author of the most legendary mark lee social media au? A Whole Legend, but treerachas? my absolutely fave 🥺 languages are dumb i don’t know english i don’t know spanish my vocab consists of sksk and i oop, and that’s it. HOW DO U MISPRONOUNCE ADA LIKE. when i saw ur name i was like ay-da not ah-da, ppl need to learn bro it’s just said how it’s spelled. AND PERISH LOL I LOVE THE WORDS U USE

i’m actually dumb tho i just hate math oops, i’m more of a lunch kind of person if u know what i mean 😉 JK IM GROSS STOP ME and i like the 2nd one (the red one right? idk it’s all pretty u choose) i don’t wanna expose myself but it happens bc i’m just naturally a crackhead oops. but yeah we have multiple buildings! my campus is pretty small tbh? compared to other schools we’re really small, there’s like 2k kids here and i wanna die. it’s so crowded in the halls like get away from me u smelly thot. we have 3 buildings connected by 3 hallways, and a few other ones like the science buildings, music room, portables, 2 gyms and classrooms. in total i think there are 10 buildings? how’s ur campus like?

do you have one big building or smth? in my middle school had stairs and. stairs aren’t fun i hate them. if people kissed on the stairs everybody would hate them bc they’re blocking the halls LOL. we have our legendary D wing bathrooms where people smoke its so funny how often i got offered a roll,,, people straight up vape in class its so funny. but yeah a porta party. disgusting 🤢 in my head that’s what i call it LOL, a portable bathroom… i hate when i see people from school or just. ppl in general, did they recognize u?

U SPELL FAVORITISM WITH A U THATS SO WEIRD FUCKING AMERICA but im lowkey spoiled (highkey) but i. don’t pick fights, its my brother who does that LOL, he gets lectured tho so,,, not my problem oops i have a lot of cousins but we split it when we were younger so its wrong but teens (now adults but still called teens), kids (now teens but still called kids), and the adult adult cousins (which is the only correct one LOL) but i fit into the kid category so,,,, also we have almost 20k im literally SCREAMING, including this we’re at 20,712 words im-

[doetoes-blog]

8/5/2017

i went off on the stable owner's stepson today because i asked if he wanted to muck stalls while i turned out and filled water buckets and he was like "sure!" so, like, it was reasonable for me to think he would actually do it, right? idek what he thought he was doing, but there was so much pee in some stalls after he was done that i physically couldn't breathe in them and i definitely couldn't put a horse in there in good conscience. there were still piles of poop that had just been scattered a bit left in every stall. did he just play with the poop or something??? i don't know. so i asked him nicely to go back and clean the stalls properly FOUR TIMES and he just? sat there? on his phone? before i went to the owner like "hey he said he was going to do this and it's not done and i'm really mad" and EVENTUALLY he went back and cleaned one stall? but like i still had to go back over all of the other stalls and tbh i showed my butt and i was like "NO ITS FINE YOU DONT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING WE CAN DEEEEFINITELY PUT LIVING, BREATHING CREATURES IN THESE STALLS, YEP, THEYRE PRISTINE!!" meanwhile shoveling poo like a wild woman. and omg GET THIS, then he said "i didn't know there was a rule that the stalls had to be clean." WHAT??? YOU DIDNT KNOW THAT WHEN YOU MUCK A STALL THE POINT IS TO CLEAN IT? WHAT DO YOU THINK THE POINT IS? SNIFF THE POOP FOR THREE MINUTES AND YOURE DONE? ROLL IN A PUDDLE OF PEE THEN GO HOME? THROW WET SHAVINGS IN THE AIR AND TRY TO CATCH THEM WITH YOUR MOUTH? WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU DOING IN THERE???? WHAT 👏🏻 DO 👏🏻 YOU 👏🏻 THINK 👏🏻 MUCKING 👏🏻 STALLS 👏🏻 MEANS 👏🏻 aaaaaaHHHHHHHHHHHH and i cried in the tack room because i rarely ever get angry and i can't handle it but no one noticed and the owner was like "sarah please come sit down you need to rest" bless her heart i think because my face was red and i was pouring sweat and i had already done all of the rest of the morning chores she thought i was going to pass out or something lol. i was just. ugh. and i bet everyone hates me now. but like why would you said you're going to do something if you're not going to do it??? i'd rather him have been like "nope i'm not gonna do it because i'm a lazy little brat" then halfass it. this is the same kid that this morning i had to """teach""" how to brush horses when he's been working out there since like january? and he said he """didn't know how""" to pick feet so i was like "come here and i'll show you on this horse" (pointing to the most bombproof, dead broke horse out there who probably wouldn't even kick a fly, so he had no reason to be scared) and he was like "uhh no thanks i'm good" ????? so i guess i should have known that he's just lazy. luckily he only comes out on weekends so i won't have to deal with him mostly but from now on i'm just not going to expect him to do anything and always expect to have to go after him to get things done. then later the owner's daughter yelled at me (like not in an angry way, she just thinks it's okay to yell at people for some reason... like omg if i had spoken to my mother the way she speaks to hers omg) because i needed help moving abraham's saddle up because it's really heavy and she just? slid it up? and so i was like "uhh that'll mess up his hair and he'll have a saddle sore" and she screamed "ITS FINE HIS HAIR IS FINE OH MY GOD" ughhh. i just keep telling myself that she's just a kid who thinks it's okay to yell all the time and she didn't mean anything by it. but yeah his hair was messed up and she fussed at me for tryingh to fix it ughhhhhhhh. but whatever. i know i'm just overly sensitive but it still hurt y'know. and i guess i need to keep that in mind with the boy too, he's just a dumb kid with no work ethic and he doesn't want to be out there but his parents make him so it's not really his fault he's shitty. like i'm out there because i want to be so it's way easier for me to work hard i guess than it is for him. i do feel bad for loosing my temper, moreso because i know i'm better than that than i feel bad for him because he calls everything a f****t and was bragging about sharing his ex girlfriend's nudes around the school because she's "ugly" so i honestly wouldn't have cared if he cried like a little pissbaby. but i hold myself to a higher standard than how i acted today. idk. but now im scared everyone hates me but i don't think that's rooted in reality because after everything died down everyone was nice to me again. idk. but anyway! i had a good day even though i got a sunburn on my nose. i rode abraham on two trail rides and found out he doesn't care for carrots... which sucks because i bought a huge bag. and i want to train him to come to the stall door dangit!! but i also found out that he knows "woah" a lot better than i expected, so today i didn't need anyone to hold him while i mounted and dismounted. yay, progress.

[cloudcreates]

i saw only a few draws of yanya but i want to know more about him :

kicks the door in WELL my friend ur in LUCK bc i have a LOT of shit abt yanya to talk abt

let’s kick it off with his backstory SHALL WE

so ! yanyas a lil kitsune boi raised in a little village in the outskirts of karnosea on famia, we dont have a name for it yet its not important w/e ANYWAY

he was BORN in a bigger town in central karnosea which i also dont have a name for but its also not important, what IS important is that he was a happy lil gremlin for most of his little babby years until he hit about elementary school where all the other kids’ parents started teaching them to be racist towards orcs and kitsunes and lizardfolk n shit! so they started being little shits towards him. which made him not like being in fox shape around them anymore. or in general.

so when his mums, shiranuit, a kitsune barbarian, and resnerina, a half-orc witch, were like “fuck that shit,” they moved away to that much smaller settlement, made up almost Entirely of rarer races like catfolk and wyvaran, and also orcs and ogres and stuff yea

and things were p alright! yanyas mums love him Very Much ok i love them and i love him and they all love each other. shiranuit works as a weaponsmith, and resnerina works as a luthier. so when u mashed their work together, u got yanya, a skald, or Basically a rage bard, who makes all his weapons and instruments, bc he makes his weapons into instruments, and vice versa.

his first weapon in game was a heavy mace that doubled as a guitar! it was crafted from metal ofc but its body was in the shape of a cow skull bc that shit’s metal. on one side was the guitar all strung up, and on the other he’d flip it around and it’s just Covered in spikes for him to beat the shit out of whatever 8)c

he uses his music to express himself. even with cure and mending magic, destroying things and lashing out and being aggressive all the time doesn’t make him feel good, so he’ll usually just turn to screaming out some sick tunes instead. his music’s very important to him.

moving back to early life however! he moved on through school pretty easy. i mean. not Entirely too easily bc the boy’s dumb as a brick so w/e he just. he didnt flunk out at the very least ok Cs get degrees anyway

and when he was abt.. 16, 17, he met ash!  his first..and Only girly friend who’s also a kitsune, and a gunslinger! between the two of them, she’s kind of.. the ‘brains’ but. even then she’s not like, super smart. it’s just.. not hard to be smarter than yanya w/ that sweet 7 WIS and 10 INT score lmfao. she’s plenty clever tho!

around this time yanya and ash didn’t go to school, they travelled around their local part of karnosea causing a little trouble here and there bc well. they’re of chaotic alignment. however! chaotic good alignment, so they really only gave hell to..racists 8) .. bc fuck em

the thing is though, while yanya had two mums that loved him a lot, ash didn’t. she had one mum that sucked a bunch and constantly berated her, and yanya knew, it was partially why they spent so much time just carting around wildly, having fun, bc yanya knew she deserved better!

as a side note, karnosea is neighboring artorias, which is the Big Capital of famia, where Queen Azaroa has opened a bard college! probably the best and most chattered abt all over the world tbh. you can bet yanya’s heard of it by now, being as musically inclined as he is, and has always sort of dreamed of going there.. but shit, he and his fam ain’t making that kind of money, lmfao

but! it just so happens, as rumors say, there’s a new scholarship surfacing, offered specifically to members of more. rare races, such as kitsunes! yanya can’t lie about his interest being piqued..

but the thing was, from 16 going on 18, he was sort of perfectly happy and content just travelling around like a rascal with ash, because they were best friends!! and having fun!! and without yanya, he thought ash would be all alone with her fuckin mean ass mum!! he didn’t want that, and also that bard college is probably overrated anyway, whatever..

ash’s mum isn’t having any of it, wtf ash is happy??  

the second ash and yanya get back home from whatever little bout of travel they were on, ash’s mum goes on a tirade at ash about how she’s dragging yanya down and holding him back, how she’s not good enough for him, etc.. so ash panics, because she knows he isn’t going to leave her unless she makes him never wanna see her again.

so! that same day, ash tells yanya about. how she’s been cheating on him the whole time. laughs in his face. tells him he should’ve expected it, kitsunes are known for being tricksters, liars after all!

he’s heartbroken.. so he leaves for artorias in a shocked daze probably not a full 12 hr later 

and he gets accepted to the college!

ofc being kinda poor and rough around the edges, it’s not without it’s fair share of. snooty ass rich kids being assholes, which is whatever. turns out tho, some of those rich kids are from karnosea! so because yanyas as subtle as an airhorn, rumors about him not being human spread. guess who gets to deal with racist school peers all over again! yaaaay

it’s not totally bleak, though. at college yanya met jonavahn, neyla, pazzoch, and a bunch of the other rare-race scholarship kids and they all form their own little nestled group of friends :’>

soo because yanya’s fuckin shit at like, learning, he like, does kind of piss poor in all the actual study-centric classes lmfao. but! he’s fantastic at the physical side of things–he excels with playing instruments and melee fighting, because it’s less read-a-book-and-study and more muscle memory and physical training and practice, ofc. he just barely graduated bc getting half amazing grades and half shitty grades only balances out to so much, but dAMMIT HE DID IT

so when he graduates, he goes back home for a little bit. im sure while he was at college, he managed to visit his mums back at karnosea for a little bit on breaks, but. just the idea of going back to karnosea, just knowing that. it’s where ash was. it made it a lot harder in practice than it was in theory for him lmfao.

but being back home, getting to see him mums again! it makes him really happy! because his mums love him a lot !!! and love and support him a shit ton!! they’re so proud! look at their son that graduated from the artorian queen’s bard college! holy shit!!

yanya realizes sometimes that he takes his mums for granted.. they’ve always been there to makes him feel like everything’s ok. and they do a damn good job of it! 

 a fun fact! lershe, my old incompetence quest 1 character, is a half-orc monk–by the end of iq1, he became a lycanthrope (this was in dnd 3.5, so monks could still get infected by lycanthropy), and also a lvl 30 minor deity lmfao

lershe was separated from his dad, who was raising him on his own, at a v young age. at the end of iq1, lershe sought him out, found him again, and found out that he’d started a new family with a new wife! and tbh lershe met his mum in iq1 he could not be happier for his dad lmfao. but they have a daughter! so lershe has a little half-sister! and that little half-sister is resnerina!

because lycanthropes and kitsunes share a sort of similar ability in changing shape ya kno yeah, when yanya was a little kid, lershe was still “alive” as a mortal half-orc (lershe put off accepting that he was an immortal deity for a long time) and. was a big inspiration for yanya, naturally. these kids and people were giving him shit for being able to change shape into something that resembled an animal, but his uncle lershe can do it to, and HE’S a god!! so whatever!!

anyway so iq2 started off by all the characters running into each other in a little town in karnosea and some shit abt a cave off the outskirts of town getting ransacked by mercenaries or smth, idr

a little before then our DM said txeru and yanya were going to enter town together, and aria and karrina were going to enter town together, and we could come up w/ whatever reason why they’d end up together so txeru and yanya met first actually, just outside on town in a little tavern where they. probably got into a little scuffle just bc bar fights are fun. who cares. its fine. 

its ironic bc right now, in game, txeru and yanya are fucking pissed at each other! and its great. the drama is clearing my skin. my crops are prospering. 

basically txeru is a kasatha, an alien race not native to famia, and he’s come to famia trying to hide from two .. sort of alien police that’re after him for all the petty crimes he’s done. thing is, these two Very Specific alien cops are after him because. he kinda. was romantically involved with Both of them, one being his partner in crime and the other being of kasathan royalty–when he was backed into a corner and about to get caught he kind of ditched his partner and left the noble out high and dry so they’re both PISSED at him

they recently made their way to famia and found txeru, and after we TURNED TAIL AND RAN THE FUCK OFF from them, txeru explained his story

having his heart fucking shattered by ash, yanya kinda wasn’t super happy to find out txeru was a heart-shattering asshole himself! 

so he DECKED HIM IN THE FACE and hadn’t spoken a kind word to him in like, a week

NOW they’re talking, it’s just. every word they say to each other is some variant of “fuck you” and atm we’re waiting for a boiling point to hit to see if they’ll kiss and make up or if they’re just gonna have to hate each other! 8) im so excited

meanwhile this entire time, we’re level 10 right now. so half way to the capstone level 20. 

yanya still hasn’t formally revealed that he’s a kitsune to anyone in the group. but! as i said. the boy’s subtle as a brick thrown through a window. he’s slipped up enough times in his human disguise for just about everyone in the party to catch just a little something being off about him, but since most of the party is from artorias, away from the rarer races of karnosea, not everyone knows what a kitsune is

BUT we HAVE met a kitsune in game! madame fouxy (blame my dm for that name), but even then she only shifted from an actual fox shape to anthro fox shape, not to human shape. so they’re still unaware that kitsunes can even do that atm, meaning yanya’s ruse is hanging on by a thread lmfao

he’d just come out and say it bc he’s well aware everyone’s probably seen through him by now, but. it’s suppose to be a secret. knowing that everyone knows doesn’t make him wanna tell it, it makes him wanna convince everyone they’re wrong, even though they’re right, and he doesn’t like lying ,and if everyone’s already figured it out already, then he’s not doing a good job at keeping his own damn secrets, which freaks him out, and… etc

yanya’s favorite colors are red and blue, his favorite food is smoked rabbit, he’s 6′2″ flat on his heels in human shape, but he’s wearing stilettos bc he’s use to toe walking in fox-shape, which usually puts him up to about 6′4″, 6′5″..

he’s got a shit ton of muscle, and he eats a lot to keep up his energy! so he has his fair share of fat w a soft belly. he weighs probably anywhere from 250-300 bc im not good w weights lmfao

he has a total of.. 14 piercings, four on each ear, one on each eyebrow, two on his lips, one on his nose, and one on his tongue, almost all of which he got at the bard college lmfaoo

atm at level 10, he has 5 tails! only one spell-like ability from them, however, which is disguise self. 

he knows how to sew!

he has a fear of mirrors and heights.

it’s less a ‘fear’ and more. he doesn’t like looking at himself in the mirror, practically can’t stand it when he’s in human shape. seeing his human face all he can think is “liar, liar, liar” because that’s not his ‘real’ face. seeing his fox face he’s only reminded how much fewer people would rather see him this way. if he has to, he’ll much prefer looking at his fox face, however.

AND I THINK..THAT MAY JUST COVER IT..if it’s not everything it’s Pretty close, and if i come up w anything new ur probably gonna see me draw it at some point LMFAO

[inthewordsofahalfgoddes]

Hmm the universe is really testing me fuck. Money money money u guess that's the focus now. Now I def can't move out not yet. Fuck. Why is my mom so selfish fuck if she had if waited a month and payed her part of the bill we wouldn't be in this situation ugh FUCK why ugh fuck I feel overwhelmed it isn't fair that everything is happening right now I'm gonna have to drop like all my money into the power again and water like fuck I'm terrible with money and shit but why are my parents worse then me????? Now everything I planned for has to be delayed again while I help them deal with this mess. Fuck FUCKKK I'm not even mad just sad like it's like they forget we have little children around. Food, power, water WiFi kids shouldn't have to worry about bills! Or that the basic utilities might not be around. This def is gonna take me over the edge I'm just so frustrated. No I can't get too fucked over all of this. I just gotta pick up more shifts and do what I haven't to do. I've had to pull money and solutions out of thin air before I can help fix this. You know what's funny this was in the reading I had. More burdens and responsibility will be put on me. I've been saying for a while now that I've reached a lvl of control on myself emotions and it's now being tested. Just gotta dig deep and do what's needed. This year was already predicted to be hard for me. That the change I want to see will be something I work for. From the jump tho 😂 the universe don't wanna play around ugh. Okay I gotta make whatever I make from this chart reading last for a bit and whatever I get from this check last too. I got whatever impulsive selfish buying I needed out of me the past December so now I should he good. Though I really wanted to buy a part with this paycheck it gotta go to food. Okay nah it's not all that bad tbh I'm just like overwhelmed so as long as I take it slowly and do the small things I'll work through it just puts a delay to what I want to do fuck. I still gotta wait for a call from avalon so I can start doing my counselling to get over the fucking rape, take extra shifts at work, pay the bills and really really be easy on myself. I'm trying and if I bully myself I'll fuck it all up. AA much as this news suck I'm happy I can finally release these emotions. I just want to curl in bed and do nothing but smoke and listen to music. I feel alone but I know I'm not I just gotta reach out I know that. This is gonna be a hard month but January is never east. I'm nappy batman been coming in my room in the mornings cause waking up to him purring is so soothing. I need to do a face mask and get ready for the reading. I still got a couple more signs to work through before I can head to her place. I got two more charts to draw up then I'll take a break from charts. Astrology has lost its charm a bit but I enjoyed meeting with people and taljjh about it with them. Oh what's soooo fucking funny is how everyone is bothering me now. Like all the people I left on read told that I don't wannabe hang around them or talk suddenly hits me up. You know I never believed the saying that they always come back but they literally do! Just leave me alone I can't stand men right now Jesus is the only one I'd even want to connect with. Hmm maybe it's because I feel weak right now that they hit me up now. If I was back to my old destructive says I'd prob respond cause I been feeling really lonely all I wanna do is have someone hug me do I can like cry and just like dump all my emotions out.I forgot how sad I actually am. Inside me just lives this very disappointed sad girl. But I gotta take care of her. All those crusty men just want to take from me anyway and I been knowing that. I hate when people fake care when all they want is some pussy honestly the fact that they hitting me up is making me so mad. I'm blocking then fuck them nah honestly the audacity. It ducks cause since the city not the biggest I know they see me travelling frim work and shit I'm so happy I got these headphones cause no ond wanna talk to me. I'm so mad abd the funny thing is most of them think im crazy ! It's so funny I'll be trying to idj treat them like a person and have conversation and they call me crazy for not assuming I don't wanna fucj! They're the crazy ones not me. I'm over here trying my best to live a good life and they like ugh I'm deading this right now. I'm not wasting my energy on it I've already wasted enough just writing about it. Okay I feel better. I know what I gotta do so imma do it. I feel the heaviness lifting. Good. When I get back I'm gonna do an inventory of my finances abd see what I'm working with. Capricorn gonna whip me into shape. I got until November to shoe the universe what I can do. I can do this I can handle it I might cry about it the ENTIRE way but I'm gonna get through it. I'm grateful everyone I love is alive and safe. I have a job that I can work at that I kove,peope who care about me and I'm alive. Be present be grateful be hopeful. A quick fuck you to that white boy who ruined new years for me and fucked with my gig. I hope he gets his karma abd regrets EVER fucking putting something in my drink. I'm so mad I even gave a window of oppritubity for it to happen. Never again nah I'm so mad a bit at myself for looking away for asec but mostly at the dumb ass who couldn't get me unless he had me unconscious. I'm ma's that I gotta deal with this. I'm mad that this happens to women and it happens often. In mad that my friends are all going through it. I'm just fucking mad I gotta be so on gaurd with people and I'm mad that people get upset when I'm cautious. I wish I didn't have to be so closed abdsuspicioys like I want to be trusting and kind abd soft but I can't! Only NY friends get to see that side because they would never try to hurt me. I don't deserve all this fucking nonsense but too bad thats bit how the universe works. Ugh htddgfrthhgddryyyrrguh I gotta charge my phone and do my face mask. Lmao my face a mess rift now! Gotta get cute before I go see Angarad. Such a pretty name I bet she's pretty too. I night of astrologyyessir. I wish I could just sleep tgo :-; I Jeep having terrible drereajs I can barely memba but I wwake up on high alert abd mad. Anywaysss