#that the other person doesnt feel the same because of self esteem issues etc etc

[jojotichakorn]

honestly, i am so glad that a piece of media is finally exploring the unrequited love trope appropriately. everyone always romantisises the shit out of it and talks about how sad and tragic it is, but in reality the idea of someone who has clearly been rejected pining after someone else for years is just uncomfortable and selfish. moving on is the only appropriate response to a situation like this. while, by the way, continuing to actively pursue the other person, especially when they are exclusively involved with someone else, is the most inappropriate one.

[davekat-sucks]

"OH my god, Anon! [Feferi]'s PETA!"

spot on on, because if meenah is more like caliborn, feferi is more like calliope. and thats how you get beforus, a nanny state planet that pretends to be an utopia. tumblr. speaking of which.

I'm cool with whatever people do in their spare time, you know, you do you. But what ticks me off is when they start acting all authoritarian with their headcanons, insisting they are canon and claiming others are clueless, ignorant, illiterate, tone-deaf, every internalized or externalized -ist and -phobic under the sun etc for not seeing it that way. Treating fictional characters with more decency than they do with real people essentially. So because I dont give a single iota of a fuck anymore, let me call out this retarded fandom that butterfly effected all western fandoms turning into warzones and hussies lazy hack ass really quick.

Here's the deal: Some people really just wanna show off how "woke" they are to others, so they slap labels like they're trendy accessories and project onto characters without giving a damn about their background or personality. That usually backfires and ends up with pretty darn terrible results. We all know this, we've heard the HS2 horror stories. And that's exactly what went down here again.

Because, lately, there's this, as I said let's call it headcanon, floating around insisting that the Vantases, Kankri in particular, are canonically aromantic asexual (aroace). The Vantases are the worst possible candidates in the whole webcomic for this. Why?

1: celibacy ≠ aroace. first one is not an orientation, but a choice to abstain from acting on attraction. and the other IS a orientation, not a choice, where you feel little to no romantic or sexual attraction. so much for respecting some people's identities and values. If the vantases HAVE to be assigned a human label despite being fucking aliens, why not demisexual???? kankri even asks karkat if he might be "panquadrantic demiromantic", doesnt that fit how the signless took time to open his heart to the disciple and had a love that went beyond all quadrants with her?

they are both HORNY and THIRSTY as hell for the pyropes, the captors, the leijons, john egbert, i dont fucking know, take your pick. make them fuck a clown. That's why Karkat is obsessed with romance and Kankri panders so hard, they are both that pathetically desperate for someone to connect and care for them back as obsessively intense as they are with everything.

3: Some previous anon pointed out how HIC, besides being an authoritarian tyrant that wanted galaxy-wide conquest, is an eugenicist fascist. Yes. She genocided limebloods. So did Beforan Feferi actually. And you know Karkat's handle? carcinogeneticist? How he inherited the Signless's burden? These things are all related, and let me use a comparison to explain how or why. Imposing this label onto them would be as perplexing as suggesting that Aang from THE LAST AIRBENDER, being a monk, should also be aroace. Right after all the airbenders were wiped out by firebenders, also authoritarian tyrants that wanted world conquest. Do you see the parallels? Karkat and Kankri have significant self-esteem issues, stemming from their mutant blood, from which bloodcaste they mutated from? Limebloods. The caste that has faced intense persecution, to the extent of genocide, on BOTH planets, resulting in their GENETIC LINEAGE being wiped out from the troll GENE POOL. Limebloods are EXTINCT. That's why their mutancy is their burden, it saved them from being killed, but condemned both to a lifetime of suffering and hiding under the same culling regime that killed their kin. And that's why the burden is the responsibility of revitalizing their bloodcaste BY PROCREATING. ADDING THEIR GENES TO THE TROLL GENE POOL. But because both Karkat and Kankri are fucking idiots with crippling self-esteem issues and Hussie wrote with his asscheeks, what did these two chucklefucks do instead? One praised the Empress that wanted to kill him and wanted to become her thresecutioner, and out of desperation did the devil's tango with the worst and most disgusting vile living being available, a hussie self-insert. And the other became fucking CELIBATE to focus on what was truly important to oppose the regime he disagreed with… performative bullshit that nobody asked him to care about, overcorrecting to the point of being even more offensive than the start, and not actually solving any problems but creating more. To make "progress as a civilization" with trigger warnings, HE DIDN'T PRESERVE THE FUTURE OF HIS OWN BLOODCASTE. NEITHER DID KARKAT WHO WAS TOO BUSY WATCHING MOVIES. And that was actually clever writing, because if you are a fandom activist who hates kankri, and also think hes unironically aroace because he's celibate, congratulations! You fell for the trap, youre exactly the kind of person Kankri is satirizing, he also missed the point by hyperfocusing on labels and hating himself, and like a self fulfilling prophecy, became the same thing that he was fighting against without realizing because he unwittingly ended up aiding troll eugenics by doing the hard work and taking himself out of the dating pool!

So next time you see a pretentious writer vagueposting about you or your interpretation of a character or guilt tripping you because you dont adhere to their offensive stereotypes, check if they headcanon Kankri as aroace, and if they do, you can simply smile and rest assured knowing that nothing you do will ever be as disconnected from reality or as far off the mark regarding character interpretation as that. Why would you listen to these evil people? Are you like Hussie?

That is truly why Davekat really fucking sucks and always fucking will,

Because not only did it ruin everything with their nonexistant chemistry-less relationship but because thanks to it and pandering to its stans, Sea Hitler won and both muties are out of the gene pool and limebloods remain extinct. That IS actually canon.

And while Johnkat and Jadekat are excellent, Karkat and Kankri's harem of trolls is better than davekat. Suck my dick.

PD: What's that? Baby HIC married Karkat? Doesn't surprise me. Grooming kids is her whole thing. There really was no excuse for not making Karkat fuck Sollux or Terezi instead.

Karkat and Kankri's Harem are better than Davekat. Meenah, Porrim, and Aranea sprites from @befriendus Damara sprite by @magua-vida

Condesce, Disciple, Redglare Neophyte, and the Dolorosa by elanor-pam

[tunaababee]

gonna get really sappy and DEEPLY tmi/personal about twenty one pilots on main so im gonna put it under a cut. i am cringe but i am free and clancy tour coming up is giving me Feelings

i've been a top fan since 2016. i initially had some resistance to them bc it was when Stressed Out was at its peak and like, yall know how oversaturation goes. even if its good, its fucking annoying by proxy. all the 12/13 year olds at my high school were into it. i was turning 17. and it was a really fucking rough year.

i've been deep into homestuck since i was about 14/15, but by age 16 i had branched out into text-based rp and met a guy from italy who i kind of had a situationship with i guess?? at the time?? idk if that's what the kids call it. (whenever i describe how many relationships ive had, i count this one as a 0.5) anyways. it eventually got to a point where he was emotionally abusing me for a period of about four months. it was brief, but intense, especially since im a fucking lovesick lonely teen at this point who doesnt know any better. he lovebombs me, talks to me and acts like i am his girlfriend, gets jealous and shitty if i talk about other people, but then the moment he goes and does the same shit i get told i'm the reason he was depressed, im the reason for his problems, etc. until he calmed down and placated me and won me over again. over and over, regularly, for four months. it was a lot for my little developing brain to handle.

i know people have had it longer, have had it worse, but it really left a lasting impact. i was left with a litany of abandonment issues, and self-esteem and image that was already bad was buried dead in the fucking ground. i wanted to die every single fucking day for those four months. he even told me, as i began to question my sexuality properly, that i couldnt be bi 'because i liked him'.

but he LOVED twenty one pilots. would quote their shit regularly. wore the merch. all that stuff.

by 2016 i'd managed to see clearly enough and have enough support from friends that i felt comfortable cutting him and his circle off permanently. and it was fucking hard. i didn't have a lot of irl friends at the time and it felt like my only support network. after i finally left, i was desperate to feel some semblance of control, take something back, my own personal little 'fuck you' i could carry in my heart.

with all the hype around them, i gave top a try. slowly eased my way in. i knew i was hooked when i heard Holding On To You for the first time. it made me feel like i could take back that control and find a light at the end of the tunnel.

i consumed everything they had put out after that. i saw them live at emotional roadshow sydney 2017, i was turning 18. i made so many new friends. i felt such hope in my heart. i sobbed so fucking hard when they played HOTY. they weren't the only reason i made it through, itd be naive to contribute everything to them when i've done a lot of work and so have the people around me, but they were like a lifeline to hold on to when things were hard.

i went and saw them again in 2018 for the bandito tour. i made my own outfit and was surrounded by people who had done the same. i made more friends, had more adventures. i was dropping out of high school the year that Trench released due to having the worst mental health i'd had probably since my abuse and felt so lost but it helped me feel a little more stable and grounded. like that light was still there.

a lot has happened since. i'll be 25 when i go see them in November, once again at Qudos Bank Arena in sydney. i'm in a happy relationship with someone i love who respects me. i'm doing things that make me happy. i'm happy. i've felt and experienced and lived and loved and lost and done so so so much since i was a scared 16 year old hearing them for the first time. i've gotten piercings and tattoos, something i never thought i'd do, and put their work permanently on my body. i'm so proud every time i see my tattoo on my arm. i genuinely love and accept myself exactly as i am, which is something i NEVER thought i'd do.

having Clancy come out nine years to the day from blurryface, an album that has been so deeply important to me in a lot of ways, gets me real misty. this entire tour gets me so misty. i didn't think i'd live past 18 at BEST. but i'm here and i'm fucking happy.

genuinely cannot emphasise how much this album and this tour means to me. i plan on getting a Clancy tattoo once the album comes out and i've had some time to sit with it. it feels very full circle, i guess. hearing Next Semester has just had me thinking about this constantly and all weepy all the time haha. but a good weepy.

i cannot fucking wait to scream in a stadium full of people again in a way that heals my heart.

[horseboys666]

i found this post about rtc audition songs and then lost it but i have some ideas too

please let me know if youre the op or you know who the op is so i can credit them for the idea :)

also keep in mind i have literally no audition experience i just picked songs i thought fit thematically

ocean

don't rain on my parade - funny girl

i have never actually seen funny girl, but i associate this song so strongly with rachel berry that i literally have to use this one for ocean too.

adore me - black friday

linda monroe brags a lot in this song so i feel like it could work.

you wish you were me - austin and ally

this one is a joke but depending on how casual the theatre company you're auditioning for is it actually could work. rtc is a silly show after all.

noel

show stoppin' number - the guy who didnt like musicals

a vaguely flamboyant number AND it's professor hidgens talking about a dream of his. i think it works similarly enough to noel's lament. only thing is you might need stand ins for greg and stu at the end.

you gotta die sometime - falsettos

it literally handles the subject of death and it's whizzer. boom. perfect noel song.

i'm not a loser - spongebob the musical

you might need someone for the sea anenome chorus line but if you play it a bit differently than just being squidward i could see it working

mischa

epic III - hadestown (the 2017 or broadway version)

you might have to pitch this one down considering the fact that mischa is a baritenor, but it definitely gives off talia vibes let's just say that

it's over, isn't it - steven universe (PITCHED DOWN)

this song also works pretty well. not a huge steven universe fan but i love this song and the heartbreak in it is just as palpable as talia.

satisfied - hamilton (pitched the heck down)

you'd need people to sing eliza's part and have someone else (or the same person) do the talking parts, etc. but it's a song about never being able to have the person you're yearning for AND it involves rapping so it covers both bases.

constance

kindergarten boyfriend - heathers

mistreated socially anxious best friend? sounds a bit like constance doesn't it. also ties into constance's self esteem issues 'certain girls are meant to be alone'

waving through a window - dear evan hansen (pitched up or left as is)

you get the opportunity to act out some fun low self esteem/life passing you by, as well as do some really loud belts which works for sugarcloud. might wanna pitch it up because if you're not a contralto the low notes might not be hittable for you (is that a word?)

micheal in the bathroom - be more chill (pitched up)

wow another mistreated socially anxious best friend!!! who knew

ricky

gotta be honest. no idea. i have not found a song that comes even close to the insanity of space age bachelor man or captures ricky's personality.

jane

home - beetlejuice

idk man it deals with death & staring into the black empty void of nothingness. that works. probably.

karnak

karnak doesnt really sing but in the event that you want an audition song i'd say the hole which is a cut song from beetlejuice. it's very nihilistic and beetlejuice and karnak serve similar roles as the hole is basically just the other side from rtc

[petscrub]

idk a personal rant about my stupid brain

the issue with my own art, and my experience with making art, is that it doesnt feel like its coming from a very authentic place. and i honestly dont know how to change that, as someone with identity issues, comparison problems, low sense of self/esteem, lack of willpower/consistency... i go in circles trying to figure my “style” my “passion” etc... i think growing up on the internet, specifically things like instagram being the worst, my motivation for art started stemming from the idea of posting and sharing it somewhere, from seeing others and thinking, i have to make my own and catch up, from receiving validation, etc. there are definitely times where i make art for myself and anyone who would happen to enjoy it, and i do enjoy the process, but i think most of the time the intention gets so clouded by outside ideas and factors like “appearing” a certain way, gaining a following or audience... im really tired of it. i think its a toxic cycle and motivator and it has stopped me from being consistent and determined in areas that mean the most to me, i go back and forth on things because i see others doing something and i lack the ability to simply appreciate instead of having to pick it up and do it myself. it can be a wonderful thing to experiment in a bunch of different things/mediums, and it does feel nice that i have some talent in a variety of things, but im so exhausted of feeling mediocre and amateur in areas that i wish i could excel at because im truly passionate about them. and ive been doing art for most of my life, and still, the disconnect from myself and my own work is so heavy. i keep narrowing down things that i like, not to necessarily limit myself, but rather to improve in other areas that are more meaningful to me. its also incredibly hard, at this point, to figure out what things i am truly passionate about vs things that ive developed a false passion for based on others/appeal/comparison/wrong intentions. i used to make posts like this all the time but got tired of saying the same thing over and over again, and now i am still in this spot, even when i figure that ive discovered something, that ive decided to really follow through, it still eludes me eventually. lately ive been easier on myself especially the past year, it didnt get bad again until like.. 2 weeks ago. i have been trying to set weekly/daily goals because yes i am passionate in a lot of things but i try to tell myself that its fine, and things can still be accomplished even if it feels entirely overwhelming. so yeah... idk just needed to get this out. i will stick to the goal thing and hope it helps. i just need to quit overthinking/ruminating on all this and actually DO things because thats the only way forward and i forget that a lot.

[mbti-notes]

Im ISTP dude and I like this INFJ girl. Shes my friend but I like her more than that. I told her already and asked her out. She didn't reject me but thing is her answer is vague as hell. First she asked why I like her and I told her honestly that shes pretty and smart but she didnt react more than a nod. Then when I ask if she wanna be my girlfriend she said 'okay but can it be a trial period first'. I assumed its a yes so we started going out but its very weird. (1)

[con’t: It gets even more difficult to understand her and shes start asking me questions about my perspective on love and start warning me about her loving differently than other people and I might not like it and stuff like that. She also seems to be assessing me somehow? I dont know. Like shes trying to judge something about me. I dont think shes playing me or anything cause we always do things fair. She insists we split the bills on everything when we go out and she never demand anything so thats cool. We also spend time together like before. Its just very weird cause she seems more guarded around me and more jumpy and colder than usual even though shes still nice to me and all. Is this normal for INFJs? Maybe she doesnt actually like me? But then why did she agree? I mean we have same interests and we seem to have fun together so I dont understand whats wrong. Should I continue this or just go back to being friends? I like her a lot but I dont wanna waste time on relationship that goes nowhere.]

Note that you can’t improve the quality of a relationship until both people are equally committed to the task. Relationships flourish through skillful communication:

1) Self-Awareness: Be fully aware of your needs, wants, and criteria for relationships. Take full responsibility for your end, so that you do everything in your power to promote relationship success, and then the rest is up to her. It’s important that you are able to communicate clearly and honestly about what’s happening with you, including what you think is going wrong for you and why. If you can’t even make your needs and problems known to your partner, then you’ll never really know each other well enough to get any needs met.

You have not succeeded in this step because you’re putting the whole situation onto her shoulders, as though you have no say in the matter. Whether you stay or leave is your decision to make, based on your evaluation of the relationship and whether it’s what you really want. If a relationship makes you unhappy/dissatisfied, why stay? You’re the one feeling the problem, which means that it’s up to you to instigate a process of resolution. 

People usually stick it out through the down times in a relationship because they have a hopeful vision of what the relationship could become. You have a hopeful vision because you’re talking about how the current situation isn’t meeting your expectations. But what are your expectations? You say that you have fun together, why isn’t that enough? What’s missing for you exactly? Without enough awareness of yourself and being able to verbalize the problem that you’re experiencing, it’s hard to find a solution.

2) Intimacy: A relationship grows deeper over time through honest, attentive, and respectful communication. Talk about what you like, dislike, desire, hope for, etc, with each other, often. Gradually, you both become a better partner as you learn how to adjust your behavior to better suit the other’s needs. The process of becoming more intimately acquainted requires time and energy to learn new things and apply the ideas successfully. You have to be patient and put in the effort to have difficult conversations whenever necessary to grow your knowledge and understanding of each other.

You have not succeeded in this step because you’re making assumptions rather than communicating. You’re merely guessing that she’s trying to do this or that, and you end up whipping yourself into paranoia. “Assuming”, aka trying to be a mindreader, is very destructive to relationships because it causes misunderstanding. Relationships require trust, so take people at their word, and when you can’t, talk about why you can’t and solve the problem through communication. Don’t stew in negative feelings and allow them to turn into ugly conspiracy theories.

By saying that she wants a trial period, she’s basically telling you that she’s interested but not ready for a full commitment. If you’re not happy with her position, then you have a choice to make: Either respect that her pace is slower than yours and be patient, or decide that you want something faster/different and leave for greener pastures. She’s already been honest and upfront with you, the ball is now in your court about whether you accept the terms she’s proposed. If you accept, then FULLY accept.

By asking plenty of questions about your perspective, she is making an effort to get to know you better, specifically, to understand why you want to be in the relationship and whether you two are ultimately compatible. You hardly know each other at the start of a relationship, so she is indeed trying to size you up, such that she can make a well-informed decision once the trial period ends. If you don’t like people getting to know you in depth, then you’re never going to get far in any relationship. She obviously is the kind of person that needs to prepare and study situations carefully before diving in. If you don’t like that, then you are free to choose someone who doesn’t require as much preparation and observation time (this is a common J vs P difference).

3) Collaboration: Whenever either party feels unhappy or dissatisfied with something in the relationship, it is their responsibility to bring it up with the partner. When your partner brings a problem to you, it is your responsibility to listen carefully to what it is they need from you. Only then can you resolve problems maturely, together. If it is determined that your partner is capable of better meeting your needs, then make a reasonable request of them to do so. Talk openly about what should be changed in the relationship to make it more fulfilling for both parties, and implement a plan to make those changes. Keep tabs on progress made over time.

You have not succeeded in this step because you’re not being upfront about your negative experience of the relationship and what more you need from it. This means that you’re not giving her the opportunity to collaborate with you. If you don’t talk about how you feel, she’ll never know, and the change that you want won’t happen.

By talking about the way that she “loves differently”, she’s communicating something about her needs and expectations. She’s giving you an opportunity to know her better, such that you can collaborate with her to fulfill her needs. If she’s inexperienced, she may not yet know every little thing that she’s looking for in a relationship. But the most important thing is that she’s trying to communicate about it, which means it’s up to you to listen and respond appropriately. If you have no interest in getting to know her and what kind of partner she’s looking for, then there’s no reciprocity in the relationship. Are you only in it for yourself?

By asking you why you like her, she may be signalling some self-esteem issues (”I don’t know if I can do this”) and/or self-worth issues (”Maybe I don’t deserve this attention/love”). Healthy Fs are sensitive people, which means that they feel things very deeply. The deeper they feel, the more deeply they will be hurt, if things don’t work out. Therefore, it is likely that she is hesitant to dive in because she’s trying to stay in control and protect herself from getting hurt (this is typical of FJs). Forcing someone to leave their comfort zone before they are ready to is a recipe for drama and conflict. The most you can do is encourage her to open up, by providing an emotionally supportive, cooperative, and non-judgmental atmosphere to express how she really feels. Without a positive social atmosphere, FJs won’t open up. She’s moving at a pace that’s comfortable for her, which includes pulling back whenever she feels uncomfortable. Be sure to clarify whether it’s her own issue or whether you’re doing something to make her uncomfortable - don’t just assume. If you don’t like her “guarded” approach, then you are free to choose someone who is more open and carefree (you are navigating a common J vs P difference).

If you like someone a lot, it means that you’re willing to put in effort for them? You have every right to decide how much effort you’re willing to put in. The relationship is still in its early stages and you won’t lose much by ending it now. However, don’t forget that there’s a lot you can do to be better at relationships, mainly by addressing any behavior that hurts rather than helps relationships to progress.

[many-gay-magpies]

Smh i should really stop talking to my mom about anxiety/mental stuff because every time it only makes me feel worse

I love my mom a lot but like . sometimes there are just things that get on my nerves even though i love her. I kinda feel bad because like she tries so hard to understand and says she understands and I know she DOES to a degree so I feel bad for lowkey thinking like the whiny teenager all like "yOu DoN't UnDeRsTaNd Me" sometimes, y'know? Like the bottom line is our brains just work really really differently a lot of the time and she either wants to believe or genuinely believes that they dont

Every time I talk to her about my (non-clinical, probably) anxiety and what caused it (this girl bullying me for six years) she goes on to mention all the ways she was bullied as a kid and all the terrible shit she's gone through to say in the end "so I understand" when like all of that shit is way different from my experience so every time she says it inside I'm just like "yes but actually no"

Like, today i was talking about my bully to her and how I've started realizing that all my responses now are responses i was forced to give as a kid because of the situation i was in with my bully, and she went in depth and told me (all stuff she had already told me about before and also when i had been talking about my anxiety stuffs before) about how her mom forced her to sleep in curlers so she would have banana curls and made her wear dresses and how she got mugged really bad when she was older and all this stuff that is very valid trauma and sucks ass and i thank her for trying to understand me but at the same time all the shit that happened to her was surface level. Neither of us could control what was happening to us, because her mom made her dress like that and I couldn't just make this girl suddenly not have issues, but like a dress is still something you can change??? Take off??? Like it isnt attatched to you as a person. I cant change the fact that i exist, which this girl bullying me apparently hated me for. To her my existence was just like "oh i must hurt this person" not because of what i wore, what i looked like, etc etc.

She also kept subtly bringing up the fact that i had never been PHYSICALLY hurt by my bully and implying that because she HAD her pain was worse and i could have had it worse if my bully physically hurt me and ACTED on the threats to hurt me (which my mom's bullies did) and while yes that was true . My bully didn't threaten to physically hurt me at all so there were no threats TO act on she just talked to me like i was shit all the time and beat my self esteem about my personality into a meaningless pulp . I kind of wanted to scream in my moms face "YOUR PAIN WAS MOSTLY PHYSICAL WHILE MINE WAS EMOTIONAL, BOTH ARE VALID AND DIFFERENT" but i know she does know that-- but maybe it would have gotten the point across idk

I wish so badly that i could just tell my mom "I dont want/need you to understand, i just need you to be here" and like i could but . I'm not there yet

(Warning ahead, I'm sorry if this gets really long but like I wanna get it off my chest before i go to sleep bcs i feel like ill sleep better if i do)

Another thing that annoys me is that??? Every time??? I say something??? Or tell her how I'm feeling at the moment??? She just asks me??? "Why?"??? And yes its good to talk about stuff but I'm trying to explain to you in a polite way why i want to leave the conversation and that its making me uncomfortable and i just want to go to bed and you just go "but why are you uncomfortable?" Or like if i tell her I'm upset and i want to stop talking about it she goes "why are you upset? I dont want you to be upset" and I'm just. I literally just said i dont want to talk about this anymore can i please leave you cant control that I'm upset about this because continuing talking to you is just going to make me more upset because no matter what way i try to explain it i cant get my points across right to you and i dont want to say you dont understand bcs thats immature but you kind of dont understand

I want to tell her "This conversation isnt having the outcome i wanted it to have and i want to leave it before it makes me more upset so that i can go think on it for later" but I'm sure if i do. that shed just go "but WHY arent you happy with the conversation tell me so i can fix it" and if i tell her blatantly what is making me unhappy (the fact that she keeps saying she understands and pouring stories of her traumas onto me to "prove" that she understands) then she's going to guilt trip me when were talking in the future by emphasizing the fact that i dont like when she talks a certain way and be all like "oh i wont tell you about my OWN experiences though because you said you don't LIKE when I DO that" and i just hhhhhh

Like every time i tell her she doesnt understand and try to explain it in a way that she WILL and it'll finally click it just. Doesn't and it makes me feel so defeated because every time i do that she just circles back around to "well i experienced all these types of trauma so i totally understand" and i appreciate the effort but that just isnt the kind of support i needed to make me feel content

And also when i was talking to her tonight i told her about a specific instance that happened in like 1rst or 4th grade where I was crying because the girl bullying me was just in one of those. Bad Moods™ where like she hated me for existing and talked to me like i was a piece of trash she had stepped in or smth and then she and a couple other kids asked me WHY I WAS CRYING and I didn't want to tell her "hey I'm crying because you keep hurting me and i dont want you to" because if i said that she would just hurt me MORE so i made up a lie on the spot and said that my parents had a small argument (I'm a sensitive kid and will cry at the barest hint of conflict between my parents so it checked out) and i was crying because of it and . Out of that ENTIRE STORY the one thing my mom zeroed in on was the fact that i told a lie that "painted my parents in a bad light"

Just. Like. Yeah. It did. But I wasn't even thinking about that at the moment?? Like it didn't even cross my mind??? The only thing i was thinking about was that i was scared and in danger and i probably would have said anything to get OUT of that danger (as fake or ill-perceived it might have been). But no, even later on after i had explained that in basically those exact words she still went back around to say "oh if it was bad enough that you told a lie about your parents to get out of it then she REALLY fucked you up"

Which??? By the way??? Is a whole other reason why i try not to talk to my mom about this shit??? Because every time i open up about it and want to have a conversation in a more logical/organized/"well here's the situation and here's what we can do about it" kind of way she always turns it around and says stuff like "damn [REDACTED] really fucked you up didn't she" and "I didn't know it was that bad"/"I didn't know it effected you that bad, you should have said something!" which. Makes me Feel Bad™, for some reason way more than my dad excitedly talking about reptile and monkey brains and how stuff that happened to us in the past is engrained into our brain and still effects us now, like instinct

She also always turns all of my stuff talking about emotions into "oh you're just a teenager" "you're pms'ing" "you'll grow out of it later"

Like one time i told her that her mind was always in the past or the future, always worrying about the past or the future, never in the present, in response to her worrying a bunch about something and how i had my mind in the present more often and her response was something along the lines of "well you're like that because you're young and a teenager, you CAN stay thinking in the present because you dont have all that stuff to worry about like an adult does, I'm an adult and i work a bunch so i constantly have stuff to worry about" and like. Yeah theres some solidity to that. But also i literally talked about that exact thing with my dad and HE said her brain was always in the past/future and never the present so I'm pretty sure its not just a teen vs adult thing

And then towards the end of this whole thing when i had finally managed to tell her "hey I'm uncomfortable in this conversation can i please leave and go to bed" and even further explained that it was because i went into this wanting to have a more casual/logic-based talk rather than an emotional discussion and . she's kind of of the mind that "why did you bring it up if you didn't want to have a deep emotional discussion about it" and I'm just HHHNNNNGGGG but also i actually DIDNT mention it, first i was mentioning how id been having sensory overload lately and how certain sounds of words hurt and then she said i should have a doctor check that out and then i said "I've been reading up on anxiety and sensory overload is a part of that so i figured that's just what it was" (bcs my dad gets sensory overload a lot too) which then ensued a ten-minute conversation about how i probably dont have clinical anxiety because mine isnt as bad as/like all the many, many people my mom has known who DO have it (throughout which i kept trying to tell her "just social anxiety exists too tho" to which she would respond "yea but u dont have these symptoms of general anxiety so i dont think u have it" and while i hope and think i dont i was just like HHHHHHH because i mean social anxiety and by social anxiety I DO NOT MEAN GENERAL ANXIETY YOU CAN HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY WITHOUT HAVING GENERAL at least i think idk i might be wrong) which i ended by saying "i probably dont have clinical anxiety but i do believe my brain has been wired to react to certain situations based on how i had to react to those situations for six years" which then lead to me talking more about my bully and my mom pretty much siphoning as much emotional vulnerability and opening up out of me as she could

And then at the end i told her "can i please leave i kind of feel like crying and i dont want to do it in front of a person at the moment" (because I haven't cried in a few months and i feel like I'm in need of a good cry tbh which in itself is something she doesnt really understand) which lead her to go "why do you feel like crying now I'm worried for you" and HHHHHHEBDJBEHNDEJHBDNEHDBEH yeah--

There's probably more i could say but I'm not going to, because its almost 1 am and while i had actually been about to sleep early at like ten she ended up roping me into an hour or two long talk about emotions, which is. Fun. And i have to get up in six hours so I'm going to go to bed. Sorry if this was a mess which I'm sure it is, i really just needed to get this out there lol

Also when i went to my dad after this to say goodnight (i actually like talking to my dad abt this stuff a lot since his brain and mine are just really similar) he gave me this lil smile and just said "deep breaths" and that made me feel better

[takatou]

answered sum charahub questions about keisuke/my headcanonz about him... ill post it below the cut <:3

Birthday: he gives me sagittarius/scorpio vibes so idk late november early december? november 20th maybe

Zodiac: scorpio or sagittarius

Species: dog human

Gender: cis male

Significant Other: good question

Physical Description: average height, maybe a slight manlet, relatively in shape, maybe kind of heavier but not a lot. probably always has sweaty and cold hands. he has vibes that he's the kind of guy who's always sweating or fidgeting so i assume he'd be kind of clammy at times. he has really pretty eyes and a nice face, probably has chapped lips though. ah ah dont try to lick them now dry lips having ass

Sexuality: either straight or bi w female preference

Favourite colour? blue

Does your character collect anything? i don't think he would

Allergies? probably has none outside of bad seasonal allergies

Theme song? glad you asked

Alignment? hmm i wanna say chaotic neutral. 

Deadly sin that best represents them? lust/wrath

Which animal would they be? ….hahaha :)c you know

Patience level?

high, but he doesn’t take bullshit

Regrets? many. probably any time that he fed into his thoughts/urges, and in canon probably like Everything

Role model? NATSUKI

Favourite foods? anything really i doubt he'd be too picky. 

Favourite book? you think keisuke can read?

Dream place to live? somewhere nice and calm. he hates conflict, drama, and anything that's super… draining. he seems like the kind of guy who'd like to have a chilled out life because he's been through so much already and it doesn't help his headspace any at all.

How do they feel about love? weird. very weird. he doesn't know how to deal with it.

Smells like? deodorant. overpoweringly like deodorant half the time. otherwise he just smells like clean clothes. but he sweats a lot, and he slathers on deodorant so no one smells his nasty stress sweat, so he just exudes Man Deodorant scent. nasty fucker

Bad habits? biting his lip, biting the inside of his cheek, pacing, overthinking, losing things

What turns them off? unreactive partners, that's probably about it. i was going to say shit but we all know kei is a poopy poopoo ass 

Pet peeves? being laughed at, passive-aggressiveness, cattiness, people who chew with their mouths open, people who don't mind their business

Personal problems? his sadistic thoughts are the biggest one that comes to mind. he also has a major issue of not believing that he is a good person and taking the intrusive feelings/arousal and enjoyment he gets out of this as being an intrinsic part of who he is. he doesn't recall his trauma at first but even after he remembers it i doubt he'd tie it back to his fucked up thoughts. he believes that he's just a sick fuck and deserves nothing and that he's bound to give in sometime, and that's just… untrue. 

he doesn't treat himself well and while he isn't exactly the pictured stereotype of bad self-esteem (boo hoo im so bad and i hate myself im a sadboy) he definitely has garbage self-esteem internally. like he beats himself up to the point of breaking down often and he overthinks this. 

he obsesses over it rather than just accepting it as something that he can't help; the fact that he enjoys it makes it extremely hard for him to treat it as an intrusion upon his psyche. keisuke believes that he is at his core a horrible person and in that he is self-sabotaging himself. 

Religious and to what extent? Any spiritual beliefs? probably not.

Kind of student if they attend/were to attend school? (e.g. class clown, straight A) he seems like a complete straight-edge student. i feel like he'd finish all of his assignments but he could fall behind sometimes. i feel like he wouldn't outwardly be a troublemaker but he would entirely have issues at school despite being very smart, he would probably have classic symptoms of trauma despite not recalling it; memory loss, lack of interest, inability to focus, and so on. he would try his best but ultimately need to work harder than everyone else to stay afloat.

Random fact! oh a canon fact here: the motherfucker needs to wash he penis!!!!! sir wash your dick cheese i love you but ew!!! bro thats not a dick thats a mozzarella stick!!!

What ONE item would they take to an uninhabited island? his dick?

Outlook on life? it sucks probably idk 

Favourite object? his dick?

What (if they can) does your character eat? anything. he's really not picky, and he doesn't have the patience to cook or make food half the time.

What is something other people assume about your character? most people assume he's just a boring average dude, if not a little bit odd or quiet. he always has his hair in his gotdamn face so like he kinda looks like an emo kid 

Do they like the name they were given? sure

Nervous habits? biting his lip, tapping his foot

Glass half full or half empty?

half full. he tries to be optimistic but fails sometimes so more like half full but he accidentally knocked it over so he's too worried about it spilling

Wants to have kids, raise a family? i feel like he doesn't care either way, if the girl he's with wants kids ok, if not ok

Do they stand up for what they believe in? usually. he's not afraid to say what's on his mind or to argue with someone.

How much do they value money? moderately. he knows he needs it to get by, and he likes to have spare money, but he's no eugene krabs you know

Wants to get married? probably? he doesn't care if he gets married or not, the relationship itself is what matters, not a piece of paper between the two of him

Passive, aggressive, or defensive? aggressive/defensive

Cat or dog person? dog. haha. get it becaus- [gets hit by a truck]

Are they ticklish? hmm not really/sorta? not really in normal places atleast he gives me vibes of someone who's only sliiiightly ticklish (like maybe flinching or something but not rly reacting) except more obscure spots (like neck/lower back/knees or something idk) but i feel like it depends on his mood too, no one's really ever tried i wouldn't think except maaaybe kanae or nemu would probably. but it's pretty hard to get a reaction out of him, he just gets kind of embarrassed if anything

Coke or Pepsi? they taste the same to him and he doesn't really like either, he probably prefers something else but i'm not sure what, probably some weird ass mountain dew flavor or some weird ass off-brand soda. 

Favourite holiday? he doesn't seem like he places a lot of emphasis on holidays? maybe his friends' birthdays

Nickname(s)? kei, kei-chan

Body modifications? (Piercings, implants, tattoos etc.) just the thing on his neck, he probably doesnt really pay it much mind and covers it just to avoid questions

If they could have one thing in the world? yeah can i get uhhhh Repaired Brain

Would they dare kill someone? yes if you push him hard enough or provoke him enough he will

Involved with magic or witchcraft? nah

[themysterioussilence]

A letter to myself: post-break up.

It’s been two days since you officially broken up with your ex. The first man you really loved. The first man you had a serious relationship with. The first man you would consider having future with. 

It hurts you a lot. The break up. The thought of not being able to hear his voices and see his faces whenever he wakes up, do nothing, be there with him in a call, play games, listen to him talking, talk to him before he goes to sleep and all the memories and risk you had taken just to meet him at somewhere you never thought you’d go at this age. It was crazy for me to do all of these, just because of love. 

The relationship wasn’t perfect. You’ve had a lot of arguments and fights. You had fun together. You had plans together. You strived to grow together. But it has come to a point where you realized that you need to respect yourself. 

Throughout the relationship, you have always been insecure. Your insecurities mostly dominate your feelings even though sometimes you reassure yourself and him that it is okay, and that is all my issue I need to fix. Which is true. The insecurity comes from myself, either it’s about my self esteem or the attachment issue I had when I was a kid, or it could be both. Not to mention, that communication is not your forte. In the beginning of the relationship, you were not very communicative, you were not open to sharing your problems etc with him. It took you few months or even several months to open up your feelings and trust him. And even after a year, you still found it hard to talk about your problem or even days because of trust issue and unwillingness to be open. When that happens, it is obvious that my ego must have been activated. Most of the problems surfaced because of ego, because I really want to protect myself from getting hurt.

The reason why you made your decision to break up is because you’ve had enough of not having self-respect for yourself. He hurt you in a way that your trust was broken because of what he’s done. He still seeks and needs validation from people, especially girls which at first when I knew about that, I was fine with it and tried to understand his need but only if he could keep his boundaries and not cross the line. I trusted him. I respected his needs and let him get what he needs. I’m not gonna lie that it hurts that he still needs that and wish that the only validation he needs from is from me. But I know I can’t be selfish for wanting his eyes on me only, I couldnt change that. 

Three days ago, he asked me if he ever made my heart flutter. The next thing I know, he started telling me about how one of the girls he met and be friends online did make his heart flutter when she told him that she liked him as a person. Up until then, it was okay because okay he does have a good personality. But what he did next was the deal breaker for you, he told the girl that he might have a little crush on her. That shit hurt a lot. Hearing that from someone who keeps on telling you that he loves me, and know that it’s gonna hurt me, broke me down. 

We talked about what does cheating mean for each other, and I specifically told him that if you treat other people the same way you treat me romantically. And if you act on your feelings. I’m aware that we can be attracted to people while in a relationship, but acting on your feelings? That shit is a choice. A choice. His justification was he wanted to face his feelings and get over it once he expressed it, and he was relieved when he found out that the girl does not like him back that way. Which I couldnt care less. I couldnt care less about how he feels about the girl not liking him that way. That made me question what would happen if the girl really liked him in that way? He said that he would cut the contact but I find it hard to believe. He might do that but he might be feeling so validated and might not stop think about it. Anyway, this doesnt matter.

After hearing all that, I started to question myself if I’m not good enough for him. Why did he need to do that? Why until that extent? What is it about me that is not satisfying for him? I thought it through and came to conclusion that it was an opening for cheating. He valued his self gratification need wanting validations so much to the point he put our relationship at risk. I can accept him who he is but I find it hard to accept what he has done. Actions speak louder. I decided to respect myself and save myself from getting hurt again in the future.

Although he made a bad choice, I am grateful that he chose to be truthful and open to me for what he has done. That’s one thing that I respect. It wouldve been worse if he kept this from me. He’s a very communicative person, and that I really admire. He has a lot fo great quality as a person, as a man, but I can’t just overlook what he has done especially when it involves my self worth and risk my self to keep on disrespecting myself.

I truly believe that if it’s meant to be, it will come around. Maybe now isn’t the right time for both of us to be together. He and I have things we need to improve on. I hadnt’ been a perfect partner: jealousy, communication issue, trust issue and so on. I learnt a lot from this relationship and from him. He taught me a lof things and from him, i discovered a lot about myself, him, other people and aspects in life. It wasn’t a shame. It was great moments. 

I don’t have regrets in dating him. i don’t regret taking risk for him. For us. I don’t regret exposing myself in a situation where I could get hurt; a relationship. I don’t have regrets at all. I do admit that it’s a shame that we broke up, and there’s still part of me regrets that, but I know in the future I wont regret it.

To be honest, you actually feel more relieved. Throughout the relationship, knowing his validation makes you feel like you are holding him back because it seems that he needs exploration and validations for himself. I’m proud of myself for being able to stand up and realize that I need to respect myself. If anything, this break up proved to you that you do value yourself more than other people. You have self worth. 

Another perspective to see, that I can’t just be holding onto moments I’ve had with him. that would just haunt me and punishing myself, and makes it hard for me to let it go and move on. I have to embrace the moments and acknowledge that I had those moments with him. Those moments were my experiences. It made me who I am now and in the future. It’s one of the moments where one day you’ll look back and can laugh, cherish and say to myself: I was young, and hungry for experiences and I was in love. Those were not nothing, that was partially what made me who I am. No regrets at all. <3

[keepingthehopealive]

I'm writing this for myself as well as for others...

It's not selfish to have compassion for yourself and to validate yourself. It's not at all useful to tell yourself that others have it worse, as all it does is make you feel worse about yourself. It's ok to validate that this has been and will continue to be a hard time emotionally and mentally and it may be hard to cope with it, but the very least we can do is to approach ourselves with kindness as we would others.

The example I keep seeing and worry about myself is the disruption/change in therapy. I am very very thankful (but also very anxious) that currently my therapist is continuing to do in person sessions, but I know that could change even before my next session. I know that most/a lot of therapists are switching to telehealth or taking breaks completely during this crisis...and it's ok that that is super challenging and hard. It's also OK to talk about yourself in your therapy and to focus on yourself in your sessions; it's not selfish and it's not wrong and doesnt make you bad. Its what therapy is for, all that stuff doesnt just stop with their being a global issue going on, and its gonna be even more important to keep ourselves healthy during this time, including our mental health.

I know I have 'lost' a lot of my coping skills, with my studio closing, not being able to volunteer, losing the structure of work etc...so I am trying to validate myself on how hard that is for me and to use therapy to process it as I would normally. Its not selfish.

At the same time I am trying to do things to give back and help the community however I can, because it makes me feel good and it's important. I am donating platelets on Wednesday and offered to babysit/help out the families from my work if I can. It adds to my self esteem to do these things and it feels like I'm doing my part too which helps combat the selfish,bad thoughts. I am also reminding myself that in doing social distancing and following the recommendations, I am doing the right thing.

[exasperatedmoron]

what do u guys think about a fic that focuses on mental health? barry w ptsd & depression... len w ptsd.. caitlin w ocd... cisco w anxiety... hartley w depression...

cause I've been thinking how much they've actually really been through. And how almost none of then have gone for therapy or something (for those that did... uh well it's more of a couples therapy thing and i-).

len was abused and neglected as a child and as an adult he had to repress his emotions to keep up his criminal persona.

barry's childhood was also rough in a different way. he lost both his parents and everyone thought he was crazy. that, on top of the bullying and probable isolation for being 'that kid' mist have impacted him q a bit. a n d, his life changed in an instant, suddenly he has all this responsibility of being a hero and saving lives. yea, he doesnt mind it because he loves it... but all the people he couldnt save? all the chaos and terror? the mistakes he's made? the betrayal of his mentor? losing his other parent again? having to witness something traumatic time and time again? knowing when you're going to go missing and not being able to do something about it? all the deaths (hr, bette, watching iris die)? plus, non-canon: maybe losing len and thinking he was 100% dead after the oculus? i love Barry as a cinnamon roll full of happiness and all that but woah he's been through a lot (send love pls)

and caitlin... her life's been out of control since she was a kid to the point where she has repressed memories ( the car accident thing w frost ). also, her dad e x p e r i m e n t e d on her... yea. her parents seemed to have a messy 'divorce' and she was lied to and told her father was dead. things were definently not easy as a child and adolescent if she ended up distancing herself from her mother so much that she didnt even work in the same place as her even though it's the same profession and stuff. and post-Barry getting his powers... well she played a part in the particle accelerator explosion, she lost her fiance, she was betrayed by her mentor, people have died infront of her, she's under constant pressure to keep Barry physically healthy, she 'developes' powers, she loses her identity, being kidnapped .... it's like she has no control over so many things that affected her so much. i feel like we can even see how she tries to control as much of what she can (Barry's health w all the tests and stuff, working late alone in a lab doing research etc). i can see how it could develope into ocd/an eating disorder/something that strongly relates to control

and Cisco... neglected as a child and being "outshined" by his brother. Whether the latter actually happened or not, it clearly affected him and that's enough to impact someone's self esteem. He was clearly a geek since he was a child (and yes we love that a out him) but I doubt his childhood went swell w all the things happening at home. he either isolated himself in school or was picked on :( he even mentioned his childhood bullies and his distaste for high school in the show. i can see him as someone who doubts himself and thinks lowly of himself to the point where he questions everything and is anxious when hes overwhelmed.

And Hartley well. We all know about his family situation. Gay, disowned and shunned. Yeah, I can see how this could affect a person. Being happy and having everything u want (not just in monetary terms, it was mentioned somewhere that he came out because he felt happy in life and wanted to finally tell his parents) to suddenly having nothing and no one? The struggles of being homeless on top of the effects of being shunned by his parents is just... unimaginable. Plus, with his sexual orientation being the problem, he probably had the "am I wrong? am i a freak? do i not deserved to be loved? im wrong. why am i like this." type of thoughts going through his head. it even led to him having issues with forming bonds in the future (see: Cisco, caitlin and ronnie. The most was eowells but we know how eo was a manipulator. He even mentioned how he spent months in pain alone while making his hearing aids. He didnt even seek help. He didnt have someone to help him through his suffering).

I mean yea idk just a thought. I've been going through shit recently so mayb I'm just projecting but yea I thought about doing a fic where they're struggling, falling deeper and deeper, seeking help, getting help and support and the aftermath. Idk? It might be very angsty cause I dont think I know anyone who's had a smooth and easy recovery (nonetheless, anyone in the dctv universe).

If I do, i might have a chapter on Julian or Ralph or someone who looks like they're going to spiral or crash but their friends, who've been through shit before and got help, saw the signs and managed to get them help. Cause that's true irl... not everyone has to spiral, crash and burn before they get the help they need. And sometimes, they dont even notice they're about to spiral, but someone on the outside sees the signs

And yea that idk mhm okay bye love yall

[heterophobiclesbean]

Hey! Hope you are having a good day! I don’t know if you’re the right person to ask abt this but: I’ve been IDing as a lesbian for a little bit bc, in the (few) experiences I had w men, I was like not physically into them & like did not want to have make out/have sex/etc (unlike how I feel w women) .... but I also like feel good flirting w men and have positive feelings talking to some men so I’m like ... am I bi? How do I know if I am into men or if it’s just like... a self esteem boost?

so like i have lots of self esteem issues and i’ll flirt with men sometimes out of boredom or insecurity or for validation? because like i dont know that many other wlw and i dont really like flirt with my friends lol so like sometimes a bitch just wants to feel wanted? like i dont think that automatically means you want to be with men and are attracted to them. like... if you dont want to be with men then like. that kind of answers the question, right?

having positive feelings towards men doesnt mean youre into them, it doesnt mean youre attracted to them, or anything. i have lots of positive feelings when i talk to my guy friends because im friends with them and like their company! but im not like. attracted to them.

and like this might be cOnTrOvErSiAl for me to say but like.... i think for a lot of women the line between lesbian and bi is really fuzzy. we all grow up in this heteropatriarchal hellscape, we are never allowed to have our own desires, we are conditioned to only view men as viable partners and put ourselves through hell for some piece of shit dude who doesnt give two fucks about us. we live in a world that would do ANYTHING to keep us from knowing ourselves and our wants and actually caring enough about ourselves and our wants to actively seek out our own wellbeing and chase our desires. so like... of course some lesbians are gonna feel good about flirting with men. thats all youve been told to like for your entire life. thats the only way youve been taught to judge your own self worth, by how attractive men find you. and of course itll feel like an ego boost to get that validation, whether you are genuinely attracted to men or not. but it can FEEL a lot like attraction even if it isnt, because women are socialized to experience attraction as the act of being wanted, not the act of wanting. women are supposed to want men who want them, are supposed to want to be chased, wooed, pursued, and thats how they are supposed to experience romance. why wouldnt at least a little of that sink in and stick?

i cant tell you if you are a lesbian or bi. thats a statement only you can make. but i can tell you that liking the feelings you get when you flirt with men is not the same as being attracted to them, that liking spending time with men is not the same as being attracted to them, and not wanting to do anything physically intimate with men but being perfectly happy doing those same physically intimate actions with women is not a particularly characteristic bisexual experience in my lesbian opinion. (although there are bisexual women who choose only to be with women, who have trauma surrounding intimacy with men, and anything else you can think of - bi women and their feelings about men are not a monolith!) 

if you wanna pm me to chat anon, go ahead! sorry it took me a while to get to this ask.

[justastraightupmess]

k whta about u there gracie how would u rank them from healthy to toxic and why does it differ from me or wh at

i mean i think most of it will probably be the same tbh but lets roll.

also its gonna be hard not to be influenced by their potential to be healthier but i’ll do my bEst. 

adonis / mitsuki 

i mean. as we all know. they are literally goals and everyone else should learn from them. such sweet hearts who really value each other and show their appreciation and care. they look out for each other and actually fucking communicate. these two are just so great and so pure?? i love them??? 

and now a big ass jump way way way way down bc these two ^^ are honestly the only healthy ones

bailey / quinten 

honestly they’re partly this high bc i dont know enough about them to see any faults yet rip,,, obviously quinten is manipulative and has self esteem issues. but bailey is kinda,,, too dumb to really be affected by any of the negative things that might come from quinten?? hes too naive and happy go lucky to notice hes just out there having a good time showering quinten with love and affection 

levi / touma

i’ve placed them a bit higher because while yeah, its not great,,, and its not really healthy, its still not exactly harmful?? like i dont feel like either of them is really actively hurting the other person. i mean levi is helping touma (/forcing him) to come to terms with himself and his sexuality. mind you levi is a very manipulative person and thats by no means healthy, and touma is a push over and lets him get away with waaaaaay too much. they need to communicate better as well instead of levi saying “lets do this/i want this etc” and touma going along with it. i also feel like levi doesnt value touma as much as he should (yet, big yet tho) bc he doesnt realize how real his feelings are. but like i said these two arent really hurting each other ?? so ?? 

indigo / valentine 

i mean yIkes yeah poor val is definitely carrying this team. indy is extremely destructive and has so many fucking issues. he really really struggles to let people in and does everything he can to push them away. the only reason why they’re even slightly okay is because val is so patient. im putting them under tou and levi though because the way indy treats val sometimes is pretty bad. indy can be genuinely harmful, he can say mean things and do things he knows will hurt val on purpose to push him away, i wouldn’t say he does this often though, only at times when hes feeling really bad and its almost like hes testing val?? that being said even normally indy is a pretty abrasive person, he swears and insults people a lot just in everyday conversation, when hes like that hes not intending to hurt val and i dont think he does so that okayish i guess but still not great. val puts up with way more shit than he should and its rlly only because he has such thick skin and patience that they word and dont spiral into proper fights and even more toxic behavior. but when indy is good, ina  good mood and feeling good he can be softer and more affectionate, he can try to show val in very very small ways that he does appreciate him. so thats why they’re a bit higher. 

luke / everett

listen they’re pretty close but i’m putting them below. mostly because of luke tbh like i’d say 65% luke 35% ev. honestly these guys indy/val and tou/lev are all pretty close. but anyway. these two are one of the pairs that really truly care so fucking deeply for each other. like luke loves ev, with or without any romantic feelings he loves ev so fucking much. and they obviously care for each other and appreciate each other, they do shit for each other. when they’re good they’re very good and if they were always good i’d put them a lot higher bc of the really strong bond they have with each other. buuuuuuut when its bad it gets real bad. and i think these two can be very harmful and toxic when it gets bad. on ev’s part it’d obviously just be his explosive temper, luke tries hard not to lose his temper and tries to calm the situations down whether hes in the right or the wrong, he has better control of his emotions (/better at ignoring them) than ev, but ev is much quicker to lose his cool and lose it for good, though he is definitely getting better at that. on luke’s part,,, yikes. when they fight and when they get pushed to the point of really properly fighting luke says some mean ass shit,. eg when he called ev a whore. its when lukes loses his tightly kept control over his emotions that a lot of his passive aggressive, judgmental shit from his upbringing comes out, bc he consciously works to keep that part of him down normally, but yeah it comes out when he gets real mad and he can be a real dick. and even when they’re not fighting luke is still pretty passive aggressive and to some degree unconsciously looks down on/did look down on ev. which is not nice

naoki / luciel 

yeah this is bc of luciel for sure,,, they’ll be up there when they get past his creepy ass behavior bc i think they have very good potential to have really good communication like adonis and mitsuki. but for now they belong down here bc luciel worships naoki in a very unhealthy way, and hes a fkin creeper 

dante / chikara 

im gonna put them second from last only because i dont think they are even at their prime of being toxic yet,, like i think it’ll get worse from here. bc right now i dont think either cares enough for it to be as bad as it can get. once it does then yikes,,, a lot of issues. 

andrew / daiki

im putting then right down here on the bottom because right now as it stands their relationship isnt benefiting either of them, its not making either of them better people and honestly rn its making them worse?? in the sense that, andrew is enabling and reinforcing daiki’s bad behavior, hes a pushover obviously and is letting daiki do as he pleases and walk all over him as he pleases regardless of how it makes andy feel. as well as that its making andrew feel worse about himself. before meeting daiki he was?? pretty content ig he didnt think that great of himself or anything but yknow. but now he feels like a plaything for daiki, he doesnt feel like daiki actually loves or likes him, he thinks daiki is just using him for fun until hes done with him. hes basically belittling himself to being nothing but a cocksleeve for daiki,,, and ofc that makes andrew feel worse abt himself. he feels like shit bc he likes daiki a lot but doesnt think daiki likes him back and he feels like shit for not putting a stop to it or making a stand kinda thing. buuuut yknow eventually he will and they’ll start getting better. idk if they will ever be near the top up there with adonis and mitsuki but they’ll at least be soooo much higher with time 

[fairycosmos]

everyday i feel so fucking gross & ugly and depressed i cant stand people looking at me. i hate going to school, i never ever go out or hang w my friends on the weekends & im scared to get a job bc im so insecure and i keep comparing myself to everyone i meet. i truly feel like im a disappointment and a failure. i feel so pathetic and im scared that the rest of my life is gonna be this way. and im mad at myself for not trying harder but i have for the past 18 years and im tired. im so worthless.

:(( i'm so sorry to hear that my love. feeling that way every single day must be so fuckin exhausting and i'm v v proud of you for getting through it. seriously. it's much more difficult than most people realize. i know i cant say anything that will instantly make everything better, and you don't have to read all of this, but please please try to believe some of it. when you're depressed as hell, your mind sort of turns against you, right? it can't be trusted. all of the things it's telling you are products of your low self esteem and mental health issues - they're not facts, no matter how much it feels like they are. other people aren't seeing you the way you perceive yourself, okay? they're not looking at you and thinking you're ugly or gross, because in reality, in the tangible present beyond your own insecurities, you're not. allow yourself that self awareness. you don't have to believe every thought you have, and you don't have to act on every urge you feel. you can just let them be. they only mean something if you say that you do. you have more control than you realize.it seems like most of this is stemming from how you personally feel, and since you're in emotional turmoil, the results are bound to be chaotic. you FEEL like you're a disappointment, you FEEL like you're worthless, you FEEL unattractive - so you just assume that's who you ARE as a person, who you'll always be. when theres no proof of that at all. theres no reason to believe that youre not a strong, capable person with a lot to offer if you look at yourself as a multidimensional being. being depressed doesnt take your goodness away from you. there's a difference between you and your self hatred, okay? instead of recognizing yourself as a flawed human, giving yourself room to grow, you're pushing yourself further into a corner by calling yourself a failure. i get it, your mind tells you that, so it's v hard not to buy into it. but you don't have to, i promise. you can learn not to. where you're at right now is genuinely not where you'll always be.when i'm dealing with my own shit, the idea that life is a lot longer than i believe really helps me out. we're the same age, and i really feel like we're SUPPOSED to be confused and intimidated by the future. and though the worry feels permanent, it comes and goes. it's possible to manage it as you grow up and learn how to exist one year at a time. its alright to be lost and upset and to not know the answers, you don't need to. who you will be at thirty will be v different to who you are at eighteen - things are guaranteed to change, to improve. there will always be sadness and obstacles of course, but it won't always be this blinding and intense. it's so easy to become disillusioned with life, but having a side open future and existing at all is somewhat of a miracle. it really is.that being said, if you're feeling so awful, i don't blame you at all for not wanting a job or to hang out or to do anything. im exactly the same. but it all starts with you. and if you're not comfortable in your own skin, you're not going to be comfortable anywhere. that's why i really believe that the only thing you need to worry about is making your mental health a priority. i'm not just bullshitting, and i fully appreciate how difficult it is, but sometimes you have to actively jump start periods of positivity and strength. mental illness is just as serious as physical illness, you know? and it's alright to need help/medical attention. most people do at one point or another. please don't just roll your eyes at this, please believe me. talking to a professional will genuinely change the quality of your life if you want it to. it can be a counsellor, a therapist, your regular doctor, a support group in your area etc. even calling a hotline/speaking to your parents/a teacher/a friend to begin with will lighten the weight. it doesn't have to be a big deal. healing starts with being fuckin honest about what's going on in your head. people understand more thsn you think they do. many have been where you ate now. and actually confronting the issue and actively figuring out why you hate yourself and where the depressive moods are coming from, will allow you to overcome them eventually. seeing a professional will also enable you to adopt healthier coping mechanisms into your life for when you feel yourself slipping into a dark place. there are ways to hold on and to keep a grip on reality. you can cut the cycle short and stop the negative thoughts before they have a chance to begin, by conditioning your brain to do so over time.i'm not saying it'll instantly solve everything, or that you won't be nervous. opening up is a weird, stressful thing. you will be vulnerable, because you need to be. but what's more scary - staying silent and letting this get worse and worse, or talking to someone you trust and getting it all out? reaching out is genuinely not as far fetched as you think it is, it's completely realistic. you can pick up the phone, make the appointment, research mental health facilities and resources in your area. you really really can do it. the only thing stopping you is your mind, which as we've established, is not looking out for you right now. and the underlying factor in all of this, the thing it always comes back to, is that you are not worthless. you're not. you were born with an inherent worth, dude. your sadness can't take that away from you. no matter how much you don't want to believe it - the simple fact that you're alive means that you're significant. and it means you deserve to be happy. youre doing so so well by being here to read this. the fact that you sent this ask means you want help on some level, even a subconscious one. so please, just consider it. look at the situation objectively and decide what you need to do to pull yourself back from the brink of this. and then, when you can, do it. one step at a time. i really hope you're okay. i'm sorry i couldn't be of more help, cause i understand where you're coming from. just. you're not alone, and you don't have to deal with it as if you are. please message me if you ever need a friend or if you want to talk properly. i'm always here.

[thataspdfeel]

hey here’s the (then almost, now fully) nineteen yr old anon. i meant anxiety that’s maybe more like social anxiety, being afraid to get a job or meet new people or to do presentations and ESPECIALLY of confrontations with non-family members because of fears of abandonment. my anxiety is (i think) not rly tied to the meds though. i asked this another aspd blog and (1)

they explained that they get anxious about performances or when their partner was unwell, and idk i sort of felt like a (basically inherent) part of aspd was the lack of fear yknow? so i wondered if the fears i feel could coexist with aspd (2) sorry for being unclear before! i hope this is a bit more coherent

oooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh ok that makes way more sense ok

but yeah anxiety can totally coexist with aspd. anxiety isnt really fear in that kind of sense, at least in my opinion. because i have felt fear and that was when i flipped my car and was fully convinced we were both going to die. i felt fear when i found out my wife had been in an accident. i feel visceral fear when i see clowns and fursuit things (i have no idea why on the second one)

but when im anxious, its not fear. its more of a chatter in the back of my brain telling me something is going to go wrong and i dont want things to go wrong. i havent been diagnosed with ocpd but i strongly suspect i have it and i more than suspect the perfectionist part of me is put off by things going wrong. thus the buzzing of oh no its going to go wrong its going to go wrong its going to go wrong. the ocpd doesnt like that and it ends up in a loop. i dont really have a better way to word that other than saying theyre highly tied up together and its a nightmare

thats the only way i know how to describe it though. even for people with just regular anxiety, im pretty damn sure its that feedback loop of its gonna go wrong its gonna go wrong its gonna go wrong its gonna go wrong that really fucks with peoples sense of wanting things to go right. so its not fear so much as wanting things to be ok. and its a loop of what if this what if that its gonna go wrong its gonna go wrong its gonna go wrong and youre the reason its gonna go wrong its all your fault

which has to do with self esteem etc i feel like its a complex issue because brains, emotions, etc are complex issues. i also feel like anxiety isnt fear at least on the emotional level. i feel like its a feedback loop and your brain knows the feedback loop doesnt belong and theres a short circuit

I AM ALSO NOT A PSYCHOLOGIST IM JUST A REGULAR ASS PERSON AND THIS IS JUST MY OPINION AND PERSONAL EXPERIENCE AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN WITH THE SAME LEVEL AS A PROFESSIONAL WOULD

that’s my general take on it tho

[huskyvoicedphil]

All of the Steven universe asks

oh shit this is gonna be a long one bc i can’t stop myselfadjkadj

Steven - Would you concider yourself a good friend? How has yourway of treating friends and other people changed over time?

I’m not trying to be an arrogant bitch but i think i really am agood friend. For me, the most important thing about relationships with peopleis to be kind so i didn’t change that. But i am still trying to learn that noteverybody worth it...

Garnet - What do you look for in a partner? Are you in arelationship right now? What is really important to you in a relationship?

I’m not in a relationship right now. What do i look for in apartner hm... I just want that person to love me tbh? To care about me and tonot lie about anything. No secrets, no games, no running away. Idk this wasdramatic lol

Pearl - Name five things you love about yourself and yourpersonality and five things you hate

5 things i love about myself:

i care about what’s happening in this world

my taste in music and books

im probably the most helpful person in this world...

my lips (i know weird but...)

im ambitious

5 things i hate about myself:

overthinking 

drama queen

i can love or hate people so easily

i trust everybody in 0.0003 seconds 

my impatience :(

Amethyst - How is the relationship of you and your body? Do youhave self-esteem issues? How do you cope with that?

I hate my body and i have self esteem issues since i was 5. It’seasy, i can’t cope...

Bismuth - What are your morals? What do you concider right orwrong? What is something you could never do because it would hurt your moralviews?

 I could never pretend something that im not for earning/winning something. My family is so important to me so i would never leave them for anything.

Connie - What are/were you like as a student? In which subjectsdo/did you have difficulties? Which do/did you love?

Iliked maths, biology, chemistry and english when i was in highschool! I reallyhated physics and i had difficulties in it. I was such a nerd. I still am anerd... You know that student that you only talk to them bc you want them to tell you about a subject... yeah. I was that student but i was happy

Peridot - What fandoms are you into? Do you own any merchandise?Do you draw fanart sometimes or do you even write fanfiction?

A lot of fandoms, i don’t post about every fandom im in though.Phandom (obvi), ryden, spn fandom and esp destiel, glee fandom, hp fandom,doctor who fandom. I also like skins, marvel movies, ahs etc. but i can’t sayim in those fandoms. Oh and also a whore for emo bands, not a surprise. I can’tdraw shit but im good at writing. I wrote fanfics before but in my nativelanguage. Id like to write phanfics but i dont think im not good enough atenglish for that.

Lapis - How do you feel about your past and your past-self? Doyou easily let go of bad memories or is moving on hard for you?There are things i miss about my past self. But also there arethings im so glad that i rid of them. Unfortunately i can’t let go of badmemories. I always move on, i do, but i can never let them go. I move on butsomethings change. I know i can’t be the same and its what makes you “you”.

Jasper - Are you hard on yourself? Do you push yourself to getbetter and better? How much do you care about your health?I amhard on myself and i used to be harder. I always push myseif to get better butonly if i want to. Not for anyone else but me. I don’t know if it is a bad or agood thing but yeah... I can’t say i care about my health. I alwayscare about other people more. 

Ruby - What do you usually get angry about? How do you expressanger?

I can get angry about a lot of things but most of the time idon’t express. I can’t stand injustice. If i witness that, i can’t stop myself.I usually try to talk to people about why it made me angry and why what theydid was bad. If they continue doing what they did, sometimes i yell at theirfaces and feel bad for the rest of my life. I also get mad at people that doesnteven know me that well for telling me what to do. I feel so happy about advicesbut not about people that saying they know everything.

Sapphire - Do you tend to overthink and overanalyze things and seeproblems everywhere? How do you cope with stress?

I do overthink and overanalyze, i hate that about myself. Im notgood at coping with things but i try to distract myself with music, youtube and movies. Writing also helps a lot. I don’t see problems everywhere. I do worry about a lot of things but im not trying to find a thing to be upset. But if something happens and makes me sad i go crazy and become a drama queen for a week about it. This is what overthinking makes me do.

Rose - Name your favorite animals and plants. Do you have anypets or plants?

I love doggos. Every kind of dogs. Big dogs, small dogs, smiley dogs, sad dogs, black dogs brown dogs white dogs light brown dogs... I also love cats!!!! and monkeys. I know trees are not like a plant but adsfjfn i like trees. Oh I like cherry trees!!!! Sadly i dont have any pets or plants but we have a garden so there are a lot of flowers and fruit trees there !!

Greg - What music do you like? Any favorite genre, bands orsingers? Name your current favorite song

I love rock, pop-rock, classic rock, alternative rock, pop, some indie, some metal and some k-pop. I also have a thing for jazz but i listen to it randomly.  I can’t choose a fav band but Queen and Panic!at the disco have my heart forever. I like a lot of singers but i don’t have a spesific fav one.Maybe melanie martinez and lady gaga. My current favorite song is “look what you made me do” by taylor swift bc i can’t stop listening to it and also memes for that song are great.

OKAY HERE WE GO THIS IS TOO LONG BUT IT WAS SO MUCH FUN SO thank you for asking anush