#that way I don’t have I pay for school
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TFW you are questioning your future because how much you fucking hate school and the workload associated with it
#just university things 🤪#the only reason why I’m sticking to full time schedule is becuase of scholarships#that way I don’t have I pay for school#but god I want to drop to part time student so fucking bad#vent#rant#I’m doing good at least 8 hrs of hw every day#oh yes also work on top of that#just fuck me I guess#this is such a poor me issue I’m sorry#like wow I’m forced to attend university full time so I get to do classes for free poor me#I am just having such a hard time balancing my work load#I don’t even like business why tf am I getting a bachelors in it#I know why it’s becuase im already now 3 years invested into it and I get to do it with no cost to me#do I really want to be stuck in some soul sucking corporate job rest of my life?#is this my career?#what the fuck am I doing with my life#I don’t know anymore#I’m jdut trying to make it day by day#try not be crushed by overwhelming sadness of our current reality I guess#AGHHHH
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been thinking about how asuna’s [spoiler] scene in the last chapter of idol sengen is oddly underwhelming in the volume version compared to the piccoma release?
i mean l i ke (spoiler reveal under the cut)—
idk if it’s just me but seeing it in colour made the scene hit harder somehow? in some way?
s o . im just. thinking ahead here but…
what if i tried to overlay the colour panel onto the page when i eventually tl it in a few months?
i’m not good at picture editing at all.
b u t still.
i kinda wanna try to go the extra mile for asuna anyway… hmmmmmmmmm…
#oh welllll. in the end that’s for future me to decide ig…#i’m not even sure if anyone would be interested in it anyway…#maybe i could pay someone to do it for me instead (<-has 0 connections)#hm. maybe i should’ve tried to socialise more in school. maybe i’d have met a p.shop guy or two lmao#oh well. ig it’s video tutorial time… maybe… i hope i don’t fall asleep~~~~ bc it’s for asuna….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#in any case!!!! my mind and productivity has been completely ruined by thoughts on my newfound doomed crackship of asuna x sena#like it’s a ship that could go wrong in so many ways (whether asuna gets with sena or not) and im just. ✨thoughts✨ yk???#i love the concept of rivals/enemies to lovers asumona but. like. asusena. yk.#like picture this: pov you just realised that your loving gf’s sister is the same newbie idol you’ve been unfairly antagonising and such#a n d knowing how strong sena’s sisterly love for mona is… yk??? doomed crackship is ✨doomed✨#aighhtttt ok im done with asuna thoughts for the day i s w e a r#(though ngl if they somehow end up giving asuna a cv and she somehow turns out to be ✨e m i t s u n✨ of honoka-chan fame (very unlikely)…)#(…i will pass on in ✨peace✨ idk i just think her powerful yet soothing voice would suit asuna (<-fell back into ll phase))#o k o k im done fr this time i s w e a r anyways stan asuna frusu ok bye
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genuinely it is so depressing to spend money drinking just to end up doing nothing interesting and just sitting around
#i need friends who like. doing things.#i need more friends in general but i mean yeah.#would love to have an actual college experience one day. I’ve been in college 4 years or so and I’ve never been to a party and I’ve never#made lasting/close friendships. since pre-covid I haven’t really made friends at all#all my friends (all four of them) are from high school#it’s really fucking pathetic actually how incapable I am of making friends or having a life#and it just feels like a huge fucking waste of time and a waste of a college environment#part of me wishes I would rent at a place full of mostly other students and get a roommate I don’t know (as much as that’s a bad idea if#it’s anything like last time) just so I can be around people and be forced to meet people#also so I can avoid getting lowkey fucked over because my friends I’m supposed to be renting with eventually don’t want to pay a#significant amount of rent and I’d end up paying way more than them just because they supposedly can’t afford it (we all have about the same#income.)#gehsdhdhdhshhd#they also want to rent a place with four of us total and I just. really don’t want to live with that many people. like I think it would#drive me fucking insane. I need control over my surroundings and that leaves me with no control and I don’t like it#and a million other reasons I don’t like the idea#it was originally just supposed to be me and one friend. so. this was not the plan#hahsgshhshh anyway kill me#I’m in that post-drinking state where all pleasant affects of the alcohol have long since worn off and I’m just sort of left a hollow shell#depressed and disappointed.#and I have to go to work this afternoon woohoo awesome so cool#kibumblabs
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*
#the tickets for the new stones tour are 100% ‘this is the last American tour we can get insured for and we know it’ prices#either that or they’ve really become unconscionably greedy#I was put in charge of buying tickets for 2 friends and myself#it was going to be a ‘girls doing grad school in the us do a rock concert’ thing#looked at presale a few minutes ago#and a single seat like three sections from the nosebleeds in a big northeastern football stadium#is $630#before Ticketmaster fees#get fucked#the only way I’m even paying $260 per ticket (absolute cheapest) is if you still have your actual drummer#I’ll check again on general sale for Friday#but I think we’re going to skip the Hackney Diamonds clusterfuck entirely#(I will spend $ to see live music. I don’t have a problem with it. I dropped $250 for front row машина времени tickets last year. but the#price to value ratio is so not here)
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genuinely so angry and scared im shaking. how many other times this week this month this year have i been exposed without knowing it. do people even tell each other anymore. it’s just so grim. it’s so fucking grim
#purrs#delete later#covid19#i am fighting for my fucking life every day to stay safe and to keep the people around me some of whom are disabled / chronically ill /#immunocompromised / medically vulnerable safe. i am fucking fighting for my life. it’s already hard that i am usually one of two people in#any given room still wearing a mask let alone an n95 mask. hard and bad enough that we get looks for wearing masks and people think im crazy#for my life still being on hold and for my family still basically never going anywhere. ITS FUCKING WORSE that we are still very much in the#throes of all of it and we are in constant physical and quite frankly EXISTENTIAL danger not only of getting sick / becoming (more)#disabled / literally fucking dying but also returning to the absolute hell of lockdown which while important was psychologically damaging in#ways that are difficult to even articulate. like not only have we as a society decided to not give a shit about unpacking all of that and#healing from the trauma and assuming everyone went through the same thing when we very much did not and to just send everybody back to#school and work because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 but we have ALSO decided to pretend like the freakish unceasing danger just doesn’t exist#anymore and to get rid of every tool we had available to keep us safe or at minimum make people have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to#access them because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 !!!!!!! im TIRED. im so fucking tired of it. i am so fucking exhausted and angry and scared. and i#HAVE the luxury and privilege of being able to afford n95 masks and covid tests and to be able to work a job that i can do remotely if i#need to and to not be disabled or immunocompromised. what makes me fucking furious is we decided to throw all the people who don’t have#that access or privilege under the fucking bus and forget about them lol. but what do you expect from a country rotten to its core the way#it is lol. im fucking despondent. why are we living in an incinerator.#* the lockdown(s) werent just important they were necessary. and arguably we should have another one even though if we do i genuinely fear#for my mental health both during and afterwards and quite frankly before. im tired. i am grateful for the life i live which has resulted in#part from the different things that have happened because of the pandemic but i also so desperately wish this never happened and every day I#think about what life would be like if it hadn’t happened. the grief of it all is unspeakably big.
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#rough day today with an emotional mess at the end#rough as in it wasn’t BAD just… I had low energy the entire time and lost the day really#I don’t know how my mom does it. she has it worse than me and she expects me to be more bounding and alive and USING my energy#buddy. pal. I got rude and angry because I was LOW and I DO NOT HAVE YOUR PAIN TOLERANCE THRESHOLD#on MULTIPLE levels. physical and emotional#you went to dental school in Otago in the 90’s. I did animation school 2019-2023.#you escaped communism and were a stranger in a strange land and married my father who became a bat from hell and you had to escape him#AND keep the kids in good schools and in God.#I didn’t. I was the child who had it worst on the spectrum and had the PTSD to crawl out of during high school.#of course THAT put a dampener on me growing up in several ways (and uh. being on this hellsite in 2014 didn’t help either)#mom I love you and you love me. we are clearly NOT the same ever#I’m a little over the age dad married you at first now. I do not have the same threshold nor tolerance as you. I AM more sensitive yeah#and I’m trying to work through it but damn it it is hard trying to stay soft in a world getting crueller.#and yet! I have my father’s face and eyes in anger! I wish I could be more kind and loving on low energy and I’m sorry!#I am genuinely an ass when I’m tired and ticked off and want none of your help and I wish I wasn’t! alas!#I do not! have! your threshold nor tolerance!#when I finally get myself together and have a full place to call my own. with bills and all to pay.#I will finally allow myself the relief of lying down onto the kitchen floor and sobbing.#in the knowledge and safety of solitude.#Chris rambles#AUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#vent
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If I get any shit in my inbox cause of this fucking lady. I’m answering it probably I don’t know 😂 this stupid as fuck I’m irritated like don’t be calling me no bitch cause I’m not ghetto. You didn’t respond to what I was saying. just like bitch what up? like whats the conversation. Can I be unblocked by foxbury? No okay.
#lol#I will never stop talking about people I don’t like if they come up in some way#but I do dislike realistically three people tbh#that’s not a lot on here#I’m gonna not pay attention to anything else though cause I have school coming up#this gone be stupid probably#veonerants
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feeling like you’re 12 when you’re 22 is genuinely such a humiliating experience.
#my dad and mom have been on my case ab asking for permission before I go places and it makes me kinda sick#seeing everyone around me make plans or whatever and then being like ‘I’ll have to ask 🥺 👉🏽👈🏽#’#and my dad’s a liar he’s like it’s not like we ever say no#except my mother does and so does he???#even the muslim girls I am friends with have more freedom and you know what’s amazing ab this is#they can’t stop me from going to school. they don’t pay for that#they can’t take my car. they don’t pay for that#my mom can stop making food for me and I will manage just fine#they wanna kick me out???? blessing in disguise#but it’s hilarious that as an adult i’m still paying for everything I use but I still have to ask permission genuinely fuck off#my parents when I have to stay late on campus for some school event: 😒#the way I’d be making money rn if they didn’t decide to come and stalk me at work and see me without my hijaab on#and that one’s on me I could choose to just work with it on and make them happy#but I literally can’t as a matter of principle#i’m given such little pride as it is and if I say I don’t want to work with a hijaab on that’s that#i got an internship two days ago for the summer and you can bet your ass I’m not wearing my hijaab#except it’s not paid#and as much as I have guilt spending I really don’t spend a lot and it makes me so angry#i know that your 20s isn’t your whole life and people shouldn’t think that if they waste their 20s their life is up#but it’s like#my teens were already so shitty and abusive and trapped#how much longer do I have to deal w this before i’m treated like an adult#trick question! it’s only until a man can own me bc then he can make my decisions instead of them <3
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What do I want? I want to be seen as a peer.
#tiger’s roar#mental health bullshit#…and I feel further away than ever with my damn disability that I got told was psychosomatic without directly saying those words#because unstable tendons that pop grind sproing every time I really do anything#can’t Possibly be painful#or WHY my muscletone and stamina is shit#oh noooo it MUST be all in my head nevermind I CAN’T TAKE SEROTONIN. every drug with it makes me suicidal or worse#…anyway. I will be stranded as soon as I move out to attend university#which is only possible with taking out yet more student debt#and keeping a credit load far higher than I could ever do (nevermind my physical disability)#to keep my scholarship. and then Hope I still get a Pell + misc school scholarships#but there’s No Way around I Won’t be able to cope with a job with 15 credits mentally even if I could physically#…yEAH I’m Terrified. and I’m sick to death of people telling me to NOT take out loans#when this is The Only Way to pay rent and tuition to Even Attend At All#…and ALL Of This ontop of… you want to spend time with me? NOW that you’re at the end of your master’s and I’ll be getting things in order?#Do You See Me As A Creative Peer Or Someone Who Could Be One#or am I just a Pretty Gurl Who’s A Poor Lost Waif Who Sings Pretty#…you never did tell me what you thought of my script’s draft#and have been suspiciously Silent about your own art#do you REALIZE that to do ANYTHING together…you’re gonna have to drive. and I don’t want to do anything that costs money#because 1) it feels unbalanced (regardless if it’s a date or simply hanging out. but your body language screams Date?? not Hangout)#and 2) …I’ll be needing to keep a fisthold control of my finances as it’s gonna be stuck as reimbursements + debt#I…cannot see how I can mentally or physically take on a job. nevermind nobody’s wanted me to work for them for anything not janitorial#…so…yeah. how the hell can I even feel like anyone’s peer#when I’ll be at least a decade older. mentally ill. disabled. and can’t work because of it#how am I supposed to feel like anything but a porceline doll with rotting rubber joint connections + glockinspeal
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I feel like at this point I’m not even willingly watching Miraculous, I just randomly see edits on Instagram, check the comments, and go “there’s no fucking way that happened”
And then I have no choice but to watch the show to see if the nonsense is true (it always is)
#this has happened at least 3 or 4 times now#and it’s about to happen again because what’s this sentimonster bullshit I’m hearing about???#there’s no way like you all have to be lying to me#I don’t think this show possesses any form of logic or coherent storytelling#I thought this was a kids show wtf is happening LMAO#tangled up in this nonsense all because I was obsessed with cats in middle school and thought a cat superhero was cool 💀#does France have free mental health care?? because someone’s gotta pay for my therapy and I think it should be them#miraculous#miraculous ladybug
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Transphobia in sports pisses me off so bad
#only trans athlete at the school so I’m the number one person ppl like to have discussions with#i at least get to change a couple of ppls minds some times by introducing them to trans men althletes#ppl just don’t pay attention to us bc their too busy being assholes to trans women#trans ppl are just good at sports all the way round#we kick ass
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genuinely feel so lost in life. i fucking hate my job. i don’t want to be in school but i have to or my fucking parents r gonna kill me. i think going to school will make me more suicidal because that’s how i felt in highschool i just can’t fucking do that shit. i don’t even wanna hear about no “college is actually wayyy better than highschool” FALSE. idc if the work is easy. having work at all is genuinely gonna fucking kill me. my school anxiety was almost entirely bc i couldn’t fucking work. i turned in everything so late and had so much shit excused because i had a nice teacher. if i go to college without even wanting to be there i’ll fucking shoot myself like BRUUUHH. going to school literally only means i’ll have to email all my teachers every week that my assignments won’t b turned in on time because i’m suicidal
#so fucking stupid i hate this life#literally fucking over it#captain’s log#gonna be forced to train the new employees again because my fucking GM is a bitch and doesn’t wanna pay me more for it#fuck him like ur so lucky i do everything i should bc i wanna help out my coworkers.#gay as fuck bruh get me out of here#UGHHHHH#and only barely finally got a second fucking work shirt so i don’t have to worry about smelling at work anymore… so embarrassing#but like. I genuinely am suicidal.#not in a way where like. u need to worry about me.#but i’m like WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO.#i need a fucking LIFE.#work is evil. school would theoretically b fine if i had a brain that worked#gonna have to suffer thru it all i guess to make my parents not b more disappointed in me#also forgot to mention my parents hate me now 😍.#they’re waiting for a time to ‘have a talk with me’ because of my failure life.#i love it here so much 😍.#it’s so dumb cuz no one can tell me how to fix my lifeZ#simply is ‘deal w the bullshit’#dumber ppl than me have gone to college and succeeded but i just don’t have any drive#and it doesn’t help to be CLOSETED .
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The thought of going to college is filling me with immense despair and I’m half thinking of dropping out
#I cant do this anymore godammit#i want to SCREAM#I know shipping characters won’t pay the bills but I wish it did#I just wish things weren’t hard anymore I want to play on easy mode. a tutorial mode even. I just. don’t want to do this anymore#I don’t want to! I cant! i cannot!!!! I am sick of disappointing people! I’m sick SICK SICK OF IT!#just another month I’ll be through with this I say#gosh I just need to hold out for just that much longer#I hate when people keep expectations from me! I hate it! Stop it!! stop telling me that I have the ‘capacity to do well’ I don’t! I am#exhausted and average at best! there is nothing I am outstanding in! I am just average! stop stop stop stop expecting that I’ll do something#remarkable in life when I’m just looking forward to dying as soon as possible! stop it! stop it!!#it drives me insane I want to punch a wall it’s driving me INSANE#I am average at everything ok? I’ve made my peace with it. I’m not destined for greater things. I’m studying for a pretty worthless degree.#I don’t even want this degree. I didn’t even choose it. I don’t want to do it. I don’t! I really don’t.#it drives me insane whenever people tell me that I don’t give my 100% in my academics. yes I don’t. I don’t because if I do I will self#destruct. last time I gave it my all I became so severely depressed that I quit everything I quit doing everything I loved. it was horrible#I gave it my all in the way people want you to and the whole time I was suffering and then I failed#it really does affect you when you for once try your absolute best and the result you get is worse than if you didn’t try at all#I was better off slacking. so ever since I’ve done the bare minimum and come to terms with the fact that I am average at best and I’m much#better off being average at best instead of being an absolute failure after doing my absolute best#they say that school doesn’t matter in the long run I hope it’s true because those scars haven’t faded still#the brain damage was irreparable#eugh I hate it here#delete later
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Uuuuuuughhhhhhhhhh
#rye rambles#my grandmother is pressuring me about grad school#and my father is trying to bribe me to go to a college near him by offering to pay never mind it doesn’t offer programs in anything I’d want#and I’m expected to be thankful for this bribery#because the man owns a house with an entire level another family could live in without running into each other#and a bloody indoor pool and hot tub#and can afford to take expensive cruises whenever they damn well please#but bitches about buying me presents for holidays and scolding us all we need to appreciate them#and gets mad at me for spending the money my mother gave me on fun stuff on vacations#but yeah I need to be thankful he’s offering something I didn’t ask for that only benefits him#because he’d have easier access to me#never mind that he’s moved by choice so many times in my life and it was never once closer to ME#but I’m expected to uproot the little life I’ve created here for HIM???#when I know damn well I’d still be the one expected to visit them and drop everything for their plans#I don’t want him to pay for my grad school. I don’t want anyone to except maybe my employer and scholarships#I don’t want to be beholden to anyone in that way#and just honestly fuck him#fuck him and his money and rich little life that I was never really a part of#only a fucking trophy to show off about how well behaved I was because mom raised me#look at how smart they are! look at their achievements! isn’t what I created great!#he couldn’t even be fucking bothered to say congrats when I graduated with three majors#and gods forbid there’s the possibility I might be more knowledgeable on a topic than him#he can’t even respect my identity or friends or my girlfriend who I’ve been with for years#but no I’m the terrible person if I don’t thank him for his generous gift of trying to get me to fit his life when he’s the bastard#who forced me into existence and then didn’t try to be apart of mine
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Essentially what it is all boiling down to is I have fully realized I am bad at being a person, that will always be true, and I don’t know how to handle that
#I’m going to be depressing and self depreciating in the tags so. fair warning to anyone who reads them#I’ve known for a while now that I don’t know what to do with my life. I’ve thought of a few ideas but none of them seem to be working. and I#think a good chunk of what it’s boiling down to is that I am quite literally just stupid when it comes to an actual useful real life skills.#and it’s frustrating because I can’t even talk to ppl I know and confide in them that I feel dumb and stupid without them being like ‘nooooo#don’t say that! you’re not stupid! you were top of your class in hs!’ (that is their favorite thing to fall back on) but like. the thing is#I wasn’t even smart in hs. sure I did good but that’s because I cheated my way through and got lucky a lot. I never actually learned anythin#I never understood what I was being taught or how to apply it. I was good at English and art classes and that was it those were the only one#I truly felt I knew what I was doing in and grasped the subject matter well. I know I’m good at those two things and smart when it comes to#those subjects. but the thing is. in real life. both of those are useless skills. I can’t make money with them and it is highly unlikely#that will ever change. and yes I know not being able to make money with it doesn’t mean it’s useless but like it kinda does. capitalism#sucks. I know that. we all do. but that doesn’t change that we live in a capitalist society and it’s unlikely to actual change in my lifetim#so I’m stuck to try and figure out how to live in it. but I have no skills I can make money with so I will live my entire life poor and#miserable and working dead end jobs that make me want to kill myself. I’m not good at socialization I’m so fucking bad at it so I can’t work#any kind of job that hinges on networking or sales or human interaction which is MOST JOBS but I’m also too stupid for anything related to#STEM. I tried two different stem degrees and flunked out of both of them because I am a FUCKING IDIOT and I know there’s no point in trying#to go back to school for another one. but no degree in anything I naturally have a knack for will help me find a decent well paying job. ill#just be wasting my money to go to school for something like that. and then like. I don’t even think I’ll ever get married and I def won’t#ever have kids. so I can’t even put any hopeful stock in just being happy with a family one day. I know a lot of ppl who don’t like their#careers but they’re fine with that because they’re happy with their family but like I don’t even have that and I won’t ever have that. I#have NOTHING to strive for and NOTHING I am good at that’s meaningful I’m going to fail at having a career and a family and I know that#doesn’t mean I won’t be happy in theory but by societal standards I am and always will be a fucking failure of a person and since I do live#in this society yeah. it’s kinda fucking true. and I don’t know what to do about that. I’m just tired. I’m tired of being afraid and#struggling and going through patches of wanting to kill myself because of this because like what’s the point. I’ll never have anything#better so what in the actual hell is the point of me existing. and I know I’m being ridiculous and my brain is eating itself and none of#this is probably even true but that doesn’t change that it FEELS like it is a lot of times and esp right now and I don’t know what to do#to anyone who reads this I’ll be fine tbh prob as soon as tomorrow like dw about it I just need to get it out so I stop stewing in it.#I’m just. yeah. not having a great time rn but I left work so I’m gonna cry and then maybe sleep for a bit and hope that helps#kaz rambles
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my one friend going to LA on this trip is gonna make me spend time around her boyfriend 😐 can he just go sit in a room somewhere instead while we go out.
#why did you invite your bf to come all the way to cali to visit girl this is stupid. and within the first week? like ok.#like maybe perhaps i don’t want to be around a boyfriend and one of his friends. he had absolutely zero personality the one time i met him.#like nothing he had the charm of a potato. except i like potatoes. i sound like in middle school dissing but i’m being so serious#i’m gonna just ignore him hopefully and pretend he isn’t there but goddamn. could we not have done that#also once again so tired of spending money when i don’t need to and being seen as fussy and ridiculous if i don’t just go along with that#cause it’s easier. like. well we do in fact have to pay for convenience and i can’t afford to do that for everything#this heat is making me miserable rn but it’s not even that i just want to have fun#and also i want to not have to stress abt travel. and also being away for a month is so scary#abby talks#like i promise i’m very anxious too i just couldn’t ask my mom or sister to come spend time so i didn’t have a panic attack so i could go#early. like. and now you have to have the boyfriend come too. okay.
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