#they’re waiting for a time to ‘have a talk with me’ because of my failure life.

[filmcel]

genuinely feel so lost in life. i fucking hate my job. i don’t want to be in school but i have to or my fucking parents r gonna kill me. i think going to school will make me more suicidal because that’s how i felt in highschool i just can’t fucking do that shit. i don’t even wanna hear about no “college is actually wayyy better than highschool” FALSE. idc if the work is easy. having work at all is genuinely gonna fucking kill me. my school anxiety was almost entirely bc i couldn’t fucking work. i turned in everything so late and had so much shit excused because i had a nice teacher. if i go to college without even wanting to be there i’ll fucking shoot myself like BRUUUHH. going to school literally only means i’ll have to email all my teachers every week that my assignments won’t b turned in on time because i’m suicidal

[luckykiwiii101]

HOW TO ACTUALLY FEEL FULFILLED

Hey Upper East Siders, Gossip Girl Here. Three little birds sat on my window, and they told me that some of manhattans finest elite, aren’t feeling so…elite.

And i’ll tell you, that you don’t need to worry.

People may give you advice on how to feel fulfilled, but doesn’t mean it will fulfill you.

Because little does your naive self know, that they’re just telling you what makes them feel fulfilled, not what makes you feel fulfilled.

No, I’m not talking about the fulfilment of “Yeah, I’m a God” that lasts 3 minutes. I’m talking about true fulfilment. The one that takes you places. The places you want to be. The long term fulfilment. The unshakeable fulfilment, because you know you are who you want to be.

Here’s how:

STEP 1: Decide what makes you feel fulfilled.

Is it affirming?

Is it visualising?

Is it scripting?

Is it just simply deciding that you have it?

+ more

STEP 2: Do what fulfills you every time your desire comes to mind. Fulfill yourself until the feeling of desire completely vanishes. You can compare it to your soul feeling some sort of hunger, feed your inner self until you no longer feel the need to. Because you are fulfilled.

Not sure what fulfils you?

Try to visualise or affirm or any method you’ve heard of, and whichever one(s) fulfill you, then those are the one(s) for you.

How do I know when i’m 100% fulfilled?

- You aren’t identifying with the 3D

- You aren’t waiting for your 3D to conform AKA being impatient.

- You feel free knowing you have what you want.

- You aren’t trying to get anything in the 3D.

- You think FROM your desire and not OF it.

- You aren’t viewing your desire as a desire, because you acknowledge that you can’t desire something you already have.

- You know that the 4D is realer than the 3D will ever be.

States to NOT occupy:

- State of lack (not accepting your desire in the 4D).

- State of waiting (waiting for the 3D to conform).

- State of failure (believing you’re doing something wrong).

- State of trying (trying to achieve something in the 3D).

REMINDERS!!!

- Mental health comes first

- You don’t have to fulfill yourself when you don’t want to.

- It is impossible for your 3D to not conform, you don’t have to assume that your 3D will conform.

- Your 3D reflects who you are. So give it something new to reflect.

What People Think The State Of The Wish Fulfilled Is:

- Complete bliss and happiness.

- Thinking OF their desire.

What The State Of The Wish Fulfilled actually is:

- Knowing that your desire is YOURS in imagination (4D) and standing FIRM in that FACT.

- The FEELING OF KNOWING YOU HAVE IT!!!! (Whatever feeling you get when you imagine having your desires).

What is the knowing “feeling”?

Read THIS POST

A thing that a lot of people do is, they’ll affirm “I have everything I want.”

Then they’ll observe the thought, not the FEELING it gives them. The feeling of knowing. Although the whole point of affirming is to give them the feeling. Automatically putting them in the state of the wish fulfilled.

Relish in that FEELING until you are completely satisfied.

And we all know what satisfaction feels like. Like having a delicious meal and feeling full afterwards. Like taking a nice warm bubble bath on a cold winter night.

So feel satisfied. Fulfilled.

Don’t EVER go back to the undesired state.

Read these short reminders + quotes from people who’ve manifested their dream lives. (It will save your life) —>

[intoxicated-chan]

I just wanted to say I love your writing 😭 and if I could request like what if Miguel O’Hara was kinda close with some spider kid (around like 16?) and they reminded him of the daughter he lost? (All in a platonic father m daughter way)

Welcome to the Family

✿ฺ Paring ➳❥ Miguel O’Hara & Spider!Teen!F!Reader

✿ฺ Summary ➳❥ Miguel didn’t know what you reminded him of, but it takes a few times to finally get it.

✿ฺ (A/n) ➳❥ Inspired by “Welcome to the Family” by Avenged Sevenfold. Thank you for waiting and for requesting! And thank you for loving my writing. It means a lot.

✿ฺ Word Count ➳❥ 1.5k

✿ฺ Content Warnings ➳❥ Female reader, abuse, angst-to-fluff, talk of marriage, violence, injuries…

Small Spoiler Warning for ATSV!!

Alright, let me explain… My name is (Y/n) (L/n), and I was bitten by a radioactive spider. For the past two years, I’ve been the one and only Spider-Woman. I thought everything was going well until I was disowned by my parents, and lost my aunt the same day. From then on, I chose to be distant from society, no matter how much I craved a relationship.

“What are you doing here (F/n).” You crossed your arms, staring directly at the man you once called father.

“I’m still your father.”

“I thought you said, you’re no longer the child I raised?” You told.

“Don’t talk back to me!”

“I’m simply stating the fact is all.”

He shakes his head, “You know, your mother is disappointed. And I’m sure your aunt would be as well.”

Your eyes narrow at him, “Don’t you speak of my aunt.”

“I can talk to her however I want, she is my sister.”

“A sister you abandoned.”

The second he stepped towards you, you jumped back, keeping yourself at a distance, “Why the hell are you here anyways? I know you don’t want to see me.”

“You can still make this right.” He started to explain, “The boy’s family is still willing to have you, even after your idiotic display of teenage emotions. You either take the boy or leave.”

“I told you I won’t. It’s shocking how you’re willing to betray your daughter over a family you don’t even know.”

“I never wanted a daughter! If you want to make things right, if you want us to forgive you, then you will marry this boy!”

“And I told you no! Now get out of here!” You shouted at him, “Leave me alone!”

“I should’ve left you and your mother the day you were born.” And with that, he’s gone, slamming the door to the rooftop on his way out.

But you. You’re a mess.

Your mother didn’t hate you as much as your father did, but you could see it every time she looked at you. The disappointment, the failure, and how much of a disgrace you were to your so-called family.

And that boy was supposed to fix everything, only because he was made of money.

You fell to your knees, holding yourself as tight as possible as you cried to yourself. As much as you were out of there, you were all alone.

No family and you lost your only friend. Your aunt.

Then, you saw trash floating in front of you. You grabbed the cab right out of the air and saw it reflecting colors that were behind you… Behind you?

You slowly stood, turning around to see a rather colorful portal. It was causing some effect as everything around it was floating, then you heard it.

First, it sounded like a whisper then it came right at you. Luckily you dodged on time and the figure flew past you.

A loud thud, followed by a man’s voice getting angry at a woman called Lyla.

You hid behind a metal pole, watching the man stand to his feet, “This is the fourth time Lyla!” He growled.

“I told you, it’s still in the prototype stage.” She retorted.

“And I-“ He sees you, badly hiding behind the pole.

“…Hi?” You wave.

“Lyla, is this?”

“Yep, this universe’s Spider-Man, or Spider-Woman.” She corrected.

“I’m-“ His nose scrunches, “Is this a bad time?”

“What?”

He points to his eyes, “They’re red.”

“Oh! Um, it’s fine. Everything is fine.” You lie, rubbing your eyes and probably making them worse, “It was taken care of.”

He hums, “Then, I’m Miguel O’Hara and I’m Spider-Man.”

“Spider-Man? But I thought I was the only one.” You began to circle him, “But your suit is very… Blue.”

“Thanks. As I was saying, I am Spider-Man but from another universe. I need you to come with me.”

“Why should I go with you?” You eye him up and down.

“I’ve seen what happened here. How your parents are disappointed in you. All I am asking you is to trust me, I offering you a chance for a new chance.” He sticks his hand out, “So?”

That was almost a year ago…

“I can look after Mayday for you.” You tell Peter B. who looks very tired.

“Are you sure?” He tiredly asked.

“Of course, go and get some rest.” Taking Mayday in your arms and pushing him away, “Looks like it’s me and you today!”

She coos at you, reaching toward your face, “How about we pay Uncle Miggy a visit? Wouldn’t that be fun?” She giggles in response, “Let’s go then.” Holding her tightly, not wanting to swing with her arms.

Miguel’s eyes are focused on the screen, hearing his daughter’s laughter made him heartache.

“Miguel!” You shout from below, “Care to come down?! I rather not have her fall!”

He’s fast to close the screen and lowering his desk or… The desk is down on the ground. A minute later, it hits the ground and he turns to face you.

“Yes?” He rubs his eyes.

“Tired as well?”

“No.”

“Lies!” You come closer, taking a seat on the floating thing, “Come on, sit with me.” Setting Mayday on the ground, luckily her web shooter was taken away recently.

Miguel does as you say, “Is something wrong?” He asked.

“I just wanted to talk to you, is that wrong?”

“No, no. It’s just you sounded worried at first. I thought something happened.”

You run your fingers through her hair carefully, “You’re doing it again, shutting everyone out by shoving yourself into work.”

Miguel sighs, “I told you, the fate of the multiverse-“

“Let’s not talk about work right now.” You use your webbing to bring the paper bag towards you, “I know sweets are not your thing so I brought an empanada with me.”

Two cupcakes and an empanada. One for you and Mayday. You hand the empanada to Miguel who gladly takes it.

Then hand a cupcake to Mayday, “Please eat it carefully.” You beg her, knowing either way it’s going to be a mess.

Before you could even take a bite out of yours, she begins climbing you with her sweet still in hand which makes some of the fostering go on you.

“Mayday!” You laugh, and she sets herself on your shoulders, eating her cupcake, “At least she’s happy.” Finally, you take a bite of yours, not noticing Miguel’s stare.

His eyes are wide, his mouth slightly open, and his breathing staggered. His heart once again broke at the sight. He didn’t know what to feel, what to say, or do.

“Miguel? Are you alright?” You gently pull Mayday off your shoulders and back to the ground, “You haven’t taken a bite.”

“Yeah.” He’s trying so hard to keep himself together, “I’m alright.”

Then a few weeks pass… or so you thought.

“This was his fault!”

“He was just trying to help!”

“Help?! Look where it put her!”

Whose voice was whose? Why does everything feel so heavy? Why… Why is it so dark?

“Miguel! Calm down!”

“Enough! Both of you leave the room.” Jessica orders, “She’s waking up.”

“No, I want to be here.” Miguel tried to stay.

“You’ll see her after you calm down, now go.” Jessica watched until she was sure they were gone.

You open your heavy eyes, wincing at the light in the room, “Jessica?”

“Welcome back. Took your time.”,

“What happened?”

“You went out and followed Gwen to Pavitr’s universe, and so did Miles and Hobie. But everything went haywire, and the ground under you collapsed. You fell a good number of floors. Hobie brought you back.” She explained.

“Miles… Where is he?”

“That’s not my place to say. I know Miguel is waiting outside, I’ll leave you two alone.”

“Thanks, Jessica.”

She leaves and Miguel practically runs in, taking the seat next to your bed.

“…Hi.” You say, sitting up.

“How are you feeling?” Miguel asked.

“Tired, confused… Not sure how to feel after but-“

“(Y/n), you’ve been unconscious for a few weeks. You didn’t just fall, you went in after I told you no.”

“You know I’m not going to stand by.”

“But none of this would’ve happened if you just stayed and done what I told you.”

“Why do you care? I thought your focus was on the multiverse?”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”

“But why?”

“Because-!” He takes a deep breath, “…I can’t lose another daughter. I never told you what happened but you know that I lost her. I wanted you to stay to the side all these times because every time I look at you, you’re so much like her. Losing you would be the day I snap.”

“I’m… Sorry that I remind you of her. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” You whisper.

“I know you didn’t, and I’m just happy that you’re happy.”

You smile, “Can I say something?”

“Of course.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

© 2023 Intoxicated-Chan, I do not allow my work to be copy, translated, or put my work on any other platform without my permission.

[jazminrhode1]

What Went Wrong? Chris Sturniolo x Reader One Shot

Summary: Chris calls you on a dare to ask what went wrong.

Words: 763 words

“Hey, y/n” he said when you answered the phone. Chris was filming a video with his brothers and was dared to give you a call.

You hadn’t spoken to him since you broke up. No matter how much you wanted to call him, you never did.

“I got dared to call an ex and ask what went wrong…” he explained. A smile tugged at the corner of your lips. You could hear in his voice that he was a little uncomfortable.

“What went wrong?” you asked. “Basically, why did your relationship end,” Nick clarified.

You hadn’t thought about it in a while. No matter how amicable the split was, you loved him and you never really quite came to terms with it being over between you two.

“You don’t have to…” Chris said. You felt the sincerity in his voice.

“No, it’s ok,” you replied, thinking about what to say.

“I don’t think anything necessarily went wrong,” you began, “all good things come to an end.”

Chris was nodding on the other end of the phone. He didn’t realize how much he missed you until this very moment. Hearing your voice was bringing back so many memories for him and he felt a little overwhelmed.

“I think that even though it ended, that relationship wasn’t a failure. Not for me anyway,” you said.

“No,” Chris assured, “not for me either.”

“We were young, you know? And I still look back and consider myself so lucky to have spent all of my high school years with you,” you explained.

A smile tugged at the corner of Chris’ lips as he covered his eyes with his hat. He had loved you since pre-k and when you split, no matter how mutual the decision was, he still lost his best friend.

“All of my best memories from high school have you in them. And, they’re not ruined because we broke up… They’re 10 times better because they were with you,” you said, "I have no regrets about dating you."

You hadn’t told him that before. There were a lot of things that you regretted not saying and you were glad to have the opportunity to say them now.

You waited to hear if he was going to respond but, you pictured him on the other side of the phone hiding his face and trying to keep his shit together. He might have acted tough but, he wasn’t good at this kind of thing.

“I still remember that road trip we took to Portland with your family,” you started. “Oh my god, I forgot about that. Do you remember when Matt ran over the squirrel and cried for like, 2 hours?” Chris asked. "It was like 5 minutes," Matt argued.

You could hear Nick and Matt laughing in the background. Their voices were getting more and more distant. You figured that Chris was done with the video and was heading to his room.

The thought that their life in LA was so foreign to you made you kind of sad. Even when you broke up, you promised that you’d always be friends or, at least, you’d always stay in touch. You knew that you could have made more of an effort, and in the beginning, you both did, but it was hard to go back to being friends after a relationship like that.

You stayed on the phone for hours, reminiscing about young love. You talked about dancing in parking lots and making out in breakrooms at your high school jobs. You remembered picnics in your Dad’s pickup truck and Valentine's Day dates in minivans. You laughed about corny pickup lines and awful date ideas. But, mostly, you remembered how much you loved each other and laughed at yourselves for thinking that young love lasted forever.

“Hey… thanks for calling,” you said. It was 2 a.m. and you had to go. You wanted to stay and talk to him all night like you used to do when you were 16. You wanted to know that when you hung up, he’d be outside ready to pick you up for school. You wanted to go back in time and fall in love with him all over again. But, this good thing came to an end.

“I sometimes want to call you but, it never feels like the right time,” you said. “Call” he whispered, “whenever you want to. I’m here… I’m always going to be here,” Chris said.

Before you hung up, he paused just to say “I still love you, y/n”. “I still love you too”, you replied.

[feelrush]

JADE CITY.

— dialogue prompts from jade city by fonda lee.

“what’s going on? you seem out of sorts tonight.”

“send me the bill for the damage. i’ll take care of it.”

“tell me, my friend. have you had any other trouble around here lately?”

“sitting out here alone? something the matter?”

“how am i still alive when they’re all dead?”

“what did you come for at this hour, anyway? spit it out.”

“you should have killed that man!”

“i fell asleep waiting for you, and in return you scare the shit out of me. where were you?”

“you’re the most important thing in the world to me.”

“i’ve forgotten the past. everything’s forgiven, now that you’re back.”

“ah, what to choose, pain or failure?”

“where are you taking me?”

“cancel the rest of the day’s meetings. i’ll be in my office.”

“wait here and don’t move until you’re called.”

“i’m sure you’re wondering why you’ve been brought here.”

“may i… ask a candid question?”

“i’ll wait for an answer, but not for long.”

“you have to pay attention every fucking second because i can’t always be there if there’s trouble, understand?”

“sometimes the old ways are not without wisdom.”

“can you drive? can you handle a gun?”

“i keep seeing you, but i don’t know your name.”

“do you have anything to drink? it’s still hot inside.”

“whatever it is you decide to do, i’ll support you. i’ve told you that before, and it hasn’t changed.”

“i’m afraid i’m paying you this visit out of a sense of great concern.”

“there needs to be a balance of power.”

“what do they think we are? hired thugs?”

“why the fuck are you here?”

“i knocked but you must not have heard me.”

“you look as if you could use a massage.”

“i visit here too often; it’s not safe for you.”

“i have a gun, and i know how to use it. i won’t be a burden. i can take care of myself.”

“we’ll talk about this later.”

“from now on, i’ll be sure to call out hello to you when i’m still well out of knife range.”

“what can i do to help?”

“if anyone tried to kill you, you deserved it.”

“what is wrong with you? you don’t know who you are anymore.”

“give me your blessing, or condemn me, but don’t wash your hands of me.”

“not ready to die yet. gonna quit while i’m ahead.”

“you work for me now, you understand?”

“i’m disappointed you didn’t accept my offer.”

“we can plan a wedding, a big one. pick a date. i was thinking soon—springtime, what do you think?”

“you can do anything else you want, but not this.”

“it’s not that i think you’re boring. it’s just that keeping watch over you isn’t all that exciting, you know.”

“and here i was, starting to think all our meetings were because you were working up to hitting on me.”

“where and how did you fuck up?”

“risk your own life how you like, but leave me alone to live mine.”

“i’m not a coward.”

“i’ve never asked you for anything, but i’m asking you now, to keep this secret.”

“you do a good job, you make a big impression, show just how valuable you can be—that’s when we talk for real.”

“you were fantastic out there tonight.”

“do you want to get something to eat? we can do it another time if you’d rather go out with your friends tonight.”

“please don’t kill him.”

“must you leave so soon? come back to bed. stay the night.”

“heaven help me. i’m going to kill them all.”

“betrayal, murder, and war have a way of ruining one’s plans.”

“i could still kill him for you.”

“i can kill my ex-boyfriends myself.”

“don’t look like that. like you think i’m disappointed in you when i’m not.”

“i couldn’t sleep and wondered if you’d be kind enough to join me for a cup of tea.”

“it’s been a long day, and i don’t think i’d be very good company right now.”

“but what’s the value of silly pride compared to doing what’s best for the people one loves?”

“expectations are a funny thing. when you’re born with them, you resent them. when you’ve never been given any, you feel the lack of them your whole life.”

“people are cruel. don’t tempt them with arrogance.”

“so long as i live, i’ll never turn my back on a friend.”

“get out of my sight! i never want to see you again!”

[twst-rose-prisms]

Twst boys and their respective Vocaloid songs

Part 2 of this post!

Characters: All NRC students Warning: Some of these songs contain angsty/dark themes or imply self-harm, however it's nothing too much as that's the nature of Vocaloid songs in general and I recommend you checking them out if you guys can!

Part 1 | Part 2

🕌 Scarabia 🕌

Kalim: Tondemo-Wonderz

This song is full of fun, excitement and upbeat, colorful beats that make you want to smile and dance along, just like the ball of sunshine Kalim he is! The song talks about embracing the unknown and excitement the world offers to us while also having fun, encouraging us to have faith in the wondrous possibilities, while also embracing the failure and mistakes with laughter and positivity. I’d say it’s a perfect song for Kalim, from the vibe to the lyrics!

“Even in this sort of era, We still believe in "wonders," no, no, no? Know! The adult's sharp, money-making memories Make us worry too much! I'm gonna go cross-eyed!” "Why?!" "Do it like this!!" I love everything! That's fine, isn’t it? In this plot to make everyone laugh I can call them rival monsters, right?! We live in a wild, awesome world.” “I reckon it's fine to have troubles you can't do a thing about! I make a pose like I'm gonna save everyone. How about this smile, it's not gonna crumble at all! Even if I fall 100 times, I'm like a phoenix. I won't get upset! Wan wan, too quick, three four! Everybody, showtime!” “Come on professor! This exam is so tough! Agh! Alright, done? Is it final? If I don't get 0 points, it's OK! Let's rain a shower of arrows on those true and false questions! Right and wrong answers are important memories." "There are days when I fail too. You still deny "wonders", no, no, no? Know! Before I'm taken to pieces, listen, wait! This slanted society is too on edge. Charge in, leap in, one more time! Are you ready?!”

-----------------------------------

Jamil: Ghost City Tokyo

Like a ghost who is almost invisible to other’s eyes, Jamil used to do the same too, he always makes sure everything he does is at an average level so nobody will notice him. That’s why I picked this song for him, also because of the lyrics - he’s used to losing, to not be able to shine and stand out for the sake of others, and it’s not something he dreamt of at all. Also I think the city here can be interpreted as Scarabia too, because he still wants to be here despite everything that happened in Book 4.

“The lights of the brilliant shining city Shine down on me in stark contrast They mix with the neon colours changing and escaping from the spaces between those buildings" "I trade my time and this world And sink into the night” “It’s fine, someday it will all be fine How many days I’ve thought so, that have piled up on each other But even today, the me who fades into the Tokyo scenery all alone Seems like a ghost” “Even as I grow used to losing These important feelings that I haven't lost - When I held them close to myself, my tears fell suddenly Because I think I still want to Keep living in this city”

-----------------------------------

👑 Pomefiore 👑

Vil: Cinema

This song is pretty self-explanatory with the lyrics, it’s like someone views their life as a movie, their story is like an unchanged script, yet they’re being satisfied with everything - they want to be the leading star, the protagonist of the movie. Being someone who always has to play the villain role, I picked this song for Vil because it just fits him so much with his backstory and his goal as a whole!

“A delusion of dawn Invaluable escapades and A misunderstood hero play-pretend Traffic's already jammed up now- Oh well, nothing I can do about that anyway” “No, it can't be this, not this. This is a bad fit for me I'm not suited for it- Should I quit it now, or— But that's not right, right! I wonder, when will I get to be The leading star of this show?” “We're not here yet, yet. This can't be the end, so If you're not suited for the role Then just rewrite the script! Look, for the most part, I'm sure it'll always just be me The leading star will only be me!” “The future I wanted to change has come. Whatever you like, however you like it, This is it. I made it here, all the way from the bottom. Just like a movie, this is my story.”

-----------------------------------

Epel: Telecaster B-boy

A song talking about the struggle of growing up, trying to find one’s place in this vast world, the singer desires to be loved and appreciated but always gets misunderstood and underappreciated and also frustrated with society,  just like Epel himself. He hates being the stereotype, cliche thing. If you know his story and goal then this song is very fitting for him! Also the funky, youthful but somewhat fast beat and lyrics fit him very well too!

“The more I grow up DeDeDe The less I fit in, a vacant temple. The girl the life philosopher spoke to Turns into a bird … With just lip service PaPaPa I'll tie up my raggedy shoes … The boy whom a believer in digitization cursed Turns into wind …” “No matter how you look at it DeDeDe It's a stereo bias, sadistic The girl who sang like she was stung by a bee Turns into a flower... Even if you cover your ears PaPaPa Those guys' voices become loud The boy who got these words stabbed in his chest Turns back…” “In this world where I can't Even breathe for a bit Declaring a goodbye to reality Won't you just forgive us? We, the weak ones Let's meet up again somewhere”

-----------------------------------

Rook: Liar Dance

Rook is a bit hard to find, but in my opinion this is the best song for him. It talks about a couple who both hide and lie to each other. But it also means that the singer’s POV is them knowing they’re a liar, a criminal just like other people. Rook himself is not an exception, he also lies and hides many things away even to his friends or someone like Vil. Also I think the lyrics fit him really well, with constant mention of love and lies many times throughout.

''Stolen? Just whatever do you mean?'' Feigning ignorance today as well Having made a vow, to you and you alone Declaring this loveless love of mine in front of you" "Stolen? Just whatever do you mean?" Committing myself to this performance, set lines and all Those memories we've desperately created and clung to, they blend together and feelings between us intensify” “Dance away liar This love has swelled up like a balloon let's turn it into a lie with the prick of a needle On the count of "I-love-you" “Dance away, liar It's too late to apologize We're already partners in this crime called "love" Who cares if there's no going back?”

-----------------------------------

💀 Ignihyde 💀

Idia: All I Need are Things I Like

While there could be many other songs that fit Idia, I decided to pick this one because of the lyrics and overall meaning. The song talks about indulging solely into one’s interests and favorite thing everyday, almost every time without paying much attention to reality much at all. Even though the singer sounds happy and satisfied, they also sound lonely, deprived of energy and strength and also longing for actual companionship instead of coping up to the things that they like. It sounds like Idia himself after what happened to him and also his backstory!

"I don’t like weekdays, I like the weekend I don’t like work, I like going back to sleep It’s impossible to live on slacking like this My consciousness recedes" "I don’t like vegetables, I like hamburgers I don’t like barley tea, I like juice Don’t be sweet on me, but I like sweet tasting things My lifetime’s first page" "Only looking at things I like gradually my eyesight gets worse Only being filled with things I like gradually my mind gets duller" "I don’t like living things, I like machines I don’t like the real world, I like the virtual Your tastes were always biased deteriorating and ceasing to think" "Surrounded by the things I like I’ve become unforgiving to the things I don’t like Living only with the things I like I'm resented by someone, somewhere"

-----------------------------------

Ortho: Near

This song is gentle, yet emotional and bittersweet, its meaning also fits Ortho and Idia + their relationship a lot if you take it into their backstory context too. At first, Ortho is just a robot that only acts according to how he was programmed but gradually, he starts acting outside his intended programming and learns his own sentience and emotions - just like the robot girl as the song progresses. Overall, I think this fits him a lot!

“Hey, Near. If I don't make fun of someone And if I won't be able to forgive myself How do you feel about This horrible person?" "Hey, Near. Watching other's strides Stepping out without a purpose How do you feel about this Dull person? Hey Near” “Hey, Near. I think living every day with a smile Is something natural How do you feel about This arrogant person?" "Things that do not take any form and cannot be predicted Will interfere with the calculation process" Even so" "Ah, I'll still continue to believe And ask you who doesn't have a heart Because your hand was So much warmer than mine”

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🐉 Diasomnia 🐉

Malleus: Hare wo Matsu

I feel like this song fits Malleus the most with how the lyrics constantly talk about one’s loneliness and about past’s memories. For Malleus, his biggest fear perhaps is his dearest, most cherished people leave his life, like Lilia - his guardian that raises him up ever since he’s still a little lizard or maybe even MC - his ever first friend that treats him so dearly despite his status or his fearful magic power unlike others who is afraid of him. Even the beat is also beautiful but sad, full of longing for your loved one when they leave - just like Malleus himself.

"I'm not getting tired of this morning, One that I've waited for. Very faintly, I'm laughing while appearing to be sorrowful, And wishing to completely forget you." "Because there's no end to this curse Of sleeplessness and the painful past. I'm singing a song in the morning glow, If only I could completely forget, it would end." "There's just one thing I can't yield, And still, without knowing the reason, I live, even now..." "Since I don't have a dream I want to protect, These are days with no answer, But that isn't kindness, isn't it?" "Look, since absolutely nothing hurts, It's alright," I say. Someday, when you'll be gone, ah~ Will I be living alone?”

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Lilia: Kanade Tomosu Sora 

I feel like this song fits Lilia the most in terms of the vibe, the lyrics that matched well with his backstory. This song, while sad, full of longing and reminiscent from the past yet it’s like a glimmer of hope somewhere in the deep, dark sea of sad memories. Lilia was the same too despite how we see him acting outwardly. He gives love to others, but he also needs love and hope. He went through events that could crush him easily and yet, he still stayed strong - for a whole 200+ years, for the sake of others. (I recommend checking out the 25ji, Night Code de version too!)

“Every time I trace back my memories, I feel as if I’m going to be crushed, yet Since I have no place to take refuge,  I just keep questioning myself over and over. Ah…” “There are too many things in my way,  It’s as if there are only things I can’t see Is it alright if I try touching it a little? I want to say it. Even though it might surely be impossible, I want to somehow. Hey, more; hey, more; I want to see more” “So I can turn the images I’ve found of your world still unknown to me Into song" "Blaming myself all this time,  I simply live and breathe but only just barely I’ve always shut it away in a cage I’m not asking for a plain, simple story. I simply wish to hear your voice” “It still hurts. Words keep tightening the cord round my neck, but... These eyes of mine I closed so gently as well, still hurt a little, but… I want to say it. Even though now, I still don’t know when it’ll be but someday for sure. Hey, more; hey, more; I want to see more”

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Silver: Ice Drop

I think this song fits Silver a lot mostly because of the lyrics, and the deep sea could symbolize the dreams that he dives into in Book 7. Although it’s upbeat, the lyrics are full of longing and reminiscing of the past and also his father, but eventually move on and “grow up” from it.  Not to mention, you could even take it as a SilverMC song if you think about that aspect! But even if it's not in a romantic sense, it's still a song talking about how much the past affects us and how we long for our loved one even if it's just a memory, that's why to me this song is really for Silver!

“Even the memories of the past are merely a thousand-year tale I take a deep breath as I fall into the deep sea” “Uh- that voice of yours drenches my whole heart Tangled up and captivated by each other, we sing our unchanging love once more You, not letting go of your hands become a rule of mine It's a heart that will melt away the rusted last page That one and only magic will turn this world around” “I’ll be waiting. Inside my dream, I reach out my hand” “Uh- On this planet, I fell in love without sleeping I longed for you and hesitated what to do, but from now on, I'll grow up You, If it’s with you, I’ll dive in without hesitation”

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Sebek: Kashika

Sebek was the hardest to find for me in the entire list mainly because while he has his own character, he doesn’t have too much depth but I tried my best and I think this song fits him the most! This song is powerful, full of willpower and hope towards tomorrow despite the hard, tough times. The song encourages us to keep living, even in the most uncertain moments, you need to cherish each moment of your life as well your living heartbeat, which represents the tenacity and perseverance of life. I feel like the energy as well the meaning of the song fits Sebek a lot overall for his character - with the desire to rise, stand up and protect he always have.

“When my quivering voice breathed life into a song, It was then I realized, That was the first time my breath could be seen. They say that in the end, the value of music is subjective– Well then, I'll sing as I please, I'll show you the message I want to convey. I won't despair over Or be afraid of my mistakes. They say to "live the right way," But I want to fight against that. My whole life has consisted of "it's my fault." Even if I'm treated like a fool, I'll be hurt and I'll hurt others, I'll live, causing both kindness and injury. The present I see is everything to me, So I don't want to cling onto ideals of the past or the future. Beat, beat, o heart of mine! It might be unsteady, but even so, this is my pulse.”

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[ghostofskywalker]

Hi I know this is a weird ask but could you please possibly do a one shot with will turner x a short fem reader who isn't the greatest at being a pirate but she tries (I'm like 5'1)

hi! here is the promised fic, i hope it wasn't too much of a wait :) today's fictober fic is also for will turner, and it can be found on my will turner masterlist. as someone who is also on the shorter side i was happy to write this for you!

words: 1,674

summary: You quickly learned that the life of a pirate is so much more difficult to those who are shorter than the others on their crew, so you'll do anything to try and prove yourself. After a dangerous accident, the first mate of the crew talks some sense into you.

Will Turner Masterlist

Already Enough

The rope you had been trying to toss up to the crow’s nest flopped pitifully onto the ground, and you just sighed before reaching down to try again. You tried to ignore the stares of the others on the deck, and especially the first mate, who was (in your humble opinion) way too attractive to be a pirate. It certainly didn’t help your nerves that you had no experience with this kind of life, and you weren’t even sure why you were accepted into the crew in the first place.

It took three more attempts, but you finally managed to toss the coil of rope high enough that the man in the crow’s nest could catch it, and even then it was because you had to resort to standing on a nearby crate in order to give a little bit more height to the throw. Of all the challenges you expected to face when you first joined a pirate crew, you didn’t expect so many of them to come from the fact that you were much shorter than many of the others on the ship.

You wanted to be considered one of the crew, to no longer feel isolated and lonely as the ship sailed the clear Caribbean waters. It wasn’t that anyone was unkind to you, but you had yet to truly feel like you belonged because you were such a new addition to this lifestyle. And of course, you wanted to no longer feel the gripping anxiety that you always felt when talking to the first mate, Will Turner.

The captain of the ship was nice enough (if not a little eccentric), but you couldn’t help but feel captivated by his first mate. Will was extraordinarily attractive, and every time the two of you spoke you had managed to embarrass yourself in some way. Which of course, led to you pulling away and simply observing him (and many of the other crew members) from afar rather than getting involved in conversations or seeking out the company of anyone in particular.

Of course some things were difficult because of your height, like summoning enough power to throw or life something that the others had advantage with because of their height, but there were other things that you simply couldn’t do.

The worse experience of all happened to come later that day, and if you hadn’t been in the middle of the ocean with no sense of when you might come upon land again, you may have left and never returned after the day was done. It was always the job of those who were the newest on the crew to handle the chores that no one else wanted to do, that you expected. But it was clear that no one had thought things through when they told you what you were supposed to be doing that day.

At least they’re treating me like I’m one of them, you thought as you climbed up onto the railing of the ship and began to pull yourself to a standing position. Fixing this rope in particular was a dangerous job, but you were determined to prove yourself as one of the crew, especially because you hadn’t yet made an impression on most of the people here, and you wanted to prove yourself.

For a few moments, you were fully convinced that you could reach the hanging rope and easily re-tie it, but your arms were just a little too short for you to grasp anything. The distance was not so large that you had to turn back and admit your failure, so you felt yourself rise on your toes as you reached your hand farther and farther out.

This would be the thing that would get them to accept you, you thought. It was silly to think this, because you had technically already been accepted onto the crew (when you were allowed to board in the first place), but you were absolutely determined to show your worth and begin to contribute more than just failed rope tosses.

It was just a hand’s length away, and you pushed yourself to close the distance. But of course, it was just too far for you to reach.

The feeling of falling goes by much quicker than one would expect, because the first thing you truly registered was the frigid feeling of the sea, the waves enveloping you and pulling your body down as far as it would go.

Your mind was empty as you attempted to pull yourself to the surface, fighting the waterlogged clothes you were wearing and using every ounce of strength you had to try and stay somewhat afloat. You were not succeeding.

Or at least, you weren’t until you saw something dark move in the water beside you. Terrified of the mythical beasts and bloodthirsty creatures that you knew called the ocean’s depths home, you fought as hard as you could to swim to the sunlight-dappled surface. Finally, your head broke the top of the waves and you stared at the imposing ship in front of you, wondering how the hell you were going to actually get back to the deck, if you even wanted to.

The sound of your name pulled you from your thoughts, and you turned (partially terrified that a shark had somehow learned to talk) to see Will Turner beside you, treading water as he looked at you with a concerned expression.

“What are you doing?” you asked, completely shocked.

“I saw you go overboard,” he said. “I was going to pull you up if you needed.”

The fact that he cared enough to jump in after you made your heart swell. “Thank you,” you said, not sure how else to handle the situation. You had barely exchanged two sentences worth of words with him, and now he was jumping to your rescue?

“You’re welcome,” he said, just as you watched a lifeboat descend from the side of the boat for the two of you.

No more words were exchanged between you until you had set foot on the deck, and even then, you had taken off for the lower level of the ship the moment you had two feet on the wood.

You fully expected that everyone would leave you alone, hoping that you had made it clear you had no desire to spend time around anyone else at the moment, so it was a little shocking to you when you heard the sound of footsteps descending down to the lower decks. You had thankfully just finished changing into clothes that were a little warmer than your previous ones, and you turned around to see Will standing at the foot of the stairs.

There was a rough-looking blanket in his hands, and he held it out to you. “I know it’s not the softest thing, but it’s what we have.” You smiled politely as you accepted it, partially wondering if he was going to turn around and leave after that.

But much to your surprise, he made no movement after you had wrapped the blanket around yourself. “Are you alright?” he asked.

“I’m fine,” was your response. “I simply lost my balance, that’s all.”

You turned away from him, but no footsteps sounded. Will said your name, which caused you to look at him once more. “Why didn’t you ask for help?”

A soft snort left your body as you looked at him. “I rather like it here,” you said, hoping that he would leave and let you wallow in your inaptitude alone.

He moved closer to you. If you wanted, you could reach out and take his hand. “I like you here too,” he said. “So why did you put your life at risk?”

You stopped. The expression on his face was so earnest, and you barely even registered the implication of his words. “You really don’t know?”

He shook his head. “No.”

“I’m the newest person here,” you said, as if he should know what you were thinking already. “If anything goes wrong I’m the first to get kicked out, and it doesn’t help that I can barely do some of the more physical jobs around here because everyone else is so much taller than me. I just wanted to prove that I could be part of the crew.” Your voice quieted down as you spoke that final sentence.

“But you are part of the crew,” Will said, right as he reached out and took your hand. “We don’t allow just anyone to travel with us, you know. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone, especially not to me.”

You had to be dreaming. This just didn’t seem like it was real. “I thought-”

But before you could finish speaking, he cut you off, squeezing your hand lightly at the same time. “I would rather see any member of my crew ask for help when they know they’re out of their depths than potentially put themselves in danger.” You nodded and looked to the floor, now feeling a little bit stupid for this whole situation in the first place, but it didn’t seem like Will was reprimanding you.

He must have seen the shift in your facial expression, because he once more squeezed your hand, causing you to look up at him. “Never forget that you’re part of the crew, because you may not realize how much you mean to us yet, but in time you will.”

He turned and left before you had a chance to respond, and you stared at the spot where he had stood for a little while before you actually moved again. You certainly had a lot to think about, but you couldn’t help the way your heart swelled by the fact that Will cared about you, and that he already saw you as part of the crew.

With him to help you along the way, you might be able to grow into a good pirate. And it certainly wouldn’t hurt that your teacher had the most beautiful eyes you’d ever seen.

- the end -

i no longer have a taglist! if you're interested in being notified when i post, you can follow my library blog @ghostofskywalker-library and turn on notifications!

[gx-gameon]

When it's time to go to the Dark World to rescue Jesse, do any of the DM crew join the GX kids or no?

This is my Great War. Every day I think about this idea.

Because there are three options here.

1) They stay behind

The portal closes before they can get there. And they are forced to wait.

Now as I wrote here Seto does still have the dimension pod that he used to go to the afterlife and duel Atem. However they were using them to try and track down Jesse. If they get left behind they won’t stay there for long. But I don’t know if they would try and lock on to Jaden or Jesse.

If they decide to go after Jesse they are going to run into possessed Jesse. Leading to a duel with Yubel. I don’t think Yubel would win but I also don’t think they’d lose. I think they’d find a way to end the duel in a draw through outside forces. And then send anything they could to keep the DM crew occupied.

Or

They track Jaden which has the same outcome as option two

2) They get there just as the portal opens and get sucked in

Now much like Zane, Aster, and Crowler they end up some place different then the Gx kids.

They don’t catch up to Jaden until he’s already the Supreme King. And oh we have so many options from here

This is Jaden at arguably his most powerful. He has super poly and is not holding back. He doesn’t care about anyone or anything right now and that makes him dangerous.

Add into this that the DM crew as are looking at their son/nephew who they raised as a little family unit. He’s lost to them right now and they are trying everything to snap him out of it.

How many DM characters do you think the Supreme King can beat?

Note they might be ‘going all out’ but they would never risk killing Jaden. Joey is definitely dueling the same way he did against Mai in the Oricalcos arc. Focused more on snapping Jaden out of it than wining. But as we know from Axel winning is the only way to defeat the Supreme King.

Yugi is absolutely trying to make the appeal to his son. “This isn’t you. I love you. Come back to me.” We could make this so heart wrenching.

Note they would probably met up with Axel right after Jim was lost. Axel tells them the horrible truth. This is because I still want to give the final duel against the Supreme King to Axel as it is a great moment for his character.

Plus after it’s all over Jaden has to live with not only ‘killing’ his friends (again not your fault) but also hurting and maybe killing some of his family.

3) They join the Gx crew for the whole journey.

Jaden still tries to rush ahead but the DM crew are not only experienced Jaden wranglers but also experience desperate protagonist wranglers. It’s your time to shine Aunt Téa and Dad Yugi.

They are able to keep a better eye on the kids so they don’t get captured. Meaning there has to be another way to sacrifice people.

We have some options

A) the Gx crew still gets put under the spell

they start talking crap about Jaden which greatly disturbs the DM crew for a lot of reasons.

Then they reach Brron the man traps separates the two groups all the Gx crew into duels (like a five on 1 tag duel?) but they all lose except Jaden because of their sadness/rage.

Leaving Jaden friendless and feeling like he couldn’t protect them. 

Jaden feels like a failure and maybe he gets tricked into thinking his family is dead and that’s what makes him fall.

B) it’s the DM crew Brron targets for his spell. They don’t have the negative feelings towards Jaden but each other.

Hear me out.

The whole situation has been stressful and a lot of them (Joey and Tristian) are upset with Seto’s school that keeps putting Jaden and friends in danger.

Téa and Yugi as super sad about Jaden’s lose of normalcy and also the way some of his friends behave.

Seto’s pride is as large as ever.

It’s not that they don’t love each other, they do but it’s stress and the situation and complex feelings. They’re not blaming each other but the situation and the spell brings out those negative emotions.

This ends with them getting sacrificed

Jaden has to watch as he loses his family and he loses it.

This also allows the Gx crew to be more active in the plot and maybe have some bonding with the remaining DM crew as only four are sacrificed.

Again this is my Great War. I have no idea which idea to go with.

[oneweirdbookaddict]

Whumptober day eight!

Time has timeline angst and Wars is an older brother despite being younger.

872 words.

No warnings. Let me know if there should be.

He’s up early, as usual. 

He blames the strict military routine. He can’t seem to shake it, even if he’d like to sleep in for once in his life. 

But he sighs, rubbing his eyes, sitting up and pulling his overtunic on. Glances around at his sleeping teammates, carefully navigating around them as he walks to the fire. 

“Morning.” 

Time looks up at him, giving a nod. “Good morning, captain.” 

“Can’t sleep?” He asks, sitting next to the leader. 

“Ah, bad night, I guess.” Time admits, to his surprise. 

Time… never admitted that. 

The man had tried to walk off a stab wound, for the love of Hylia. 

Something’s up. 

He waits, seeing if Time will offer more. 

The leader does not. 

“Is it about… the sailor’s little revelation?” He asks finally. 

Time takes a long moment to respond. Then- “I split the timeline. His world suffered because of me. Not just once, there’s another. There must be. It’s the only way that makes sense.” 

“It’s not because of you, Time-” 

“Maybe not directly, but you can’t tell me I didn’t cause that.” “You didn’t know.” “I didn’t know a lot of things. You all- you all were just as inexperienced as I was, some of you even younger, and none of you managed to-” 

“None of us where in the position you were in, Time.” 

Silence. 

“I can’t imagine how disheartening it was to hear that,” He says gently. “But it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know that was going to happen. No one did.” 

Time sighs. “It feels like it was all for nothing. Everything… and people still suffered.” 

“You didn’t go through all of that for nothing.” He says quietly, looking Time in the eye.

Time gives a rueful smile. Raises an eyebrow at him. 

“How can you say that? Everything you’ve done… all the people you’ve saved… they’d disagree. You saved them. You saved them all. It was for nothing? Not for them.” He shakes his head. He understands the feeling, but… no matter how hard you try, you can’t save everyone. “And look at Wind. Legend.” Time says quietly. “My failures… ask the people from their timelines how much it was worth. The timeline where I left? Or the one where I failed? Th-” 

“Time, if anything, it shows how much more it meant-” 

“It doesn’t!” Time snaps, hand raking through his hair. “It shows how pointless it was- all the people I saved, yes, but what about the ones I could do nothing for? The countless people that died because of me, because of my failures-” 

“Time, you had no idea until three days ago that happened.” 

“That doesn’t change anything.” Time says quietly. 

“And neither will feeling guilty about it.” 

Time falters at that, looking up at him. 

“You really think you’re the only one that’s failed? Goddess, Old Man, I thought you were smarter than that. You didn’t even fail in this timeline and you’re feeling bad about it. Look at Wild. Hylia above, Time, look at me. You know all the ways I screwed up. Yes, I have my regrets, but at the end of the day? You’ve got to move past it. You succeeded in the end, didn’t you? Ganon’s gone. Hyrule’s safe again. That’s what matters. That’s what everything was for, wasn’t it? Don’t say it was all for nothing- that’s horseshit and we both know it.” 

Time opens his mouth, but he keeps talking. 

“Wild died. He straight up died. All his friends are dead, his Hyrule is empty, and none of us think that kid any less of a hero because of that. He still defeated Ganon. His Hyrule is thriving. No one thinks he should’ve… I don’t know. No one thinks anything less of Wild. All the ways I messed up? I lost battle after battle after batte- thousands of men died because of me. Even in battles we won. You think any less of me because of that? Or Twi? Or Leg?” 

Time looks away. “Of course not.” The old man says quietly. 

“Exactly. They’re still heroes of courage, same as you. None of us have flawless stories- we all made stupid mistakes we can’t take back. And yet we’re all still heroes of courage. Wear that title with pride, Old Man. You risked everything for your country- for the sake of good. No one cares that you accidentally split the timeline or whatever you did. And you’re not any less of a hero because of it.” 

It’s quiet for a long while.

Time watches the fire, but he looks much more… contemplative. Not weighed down anymore. 

“Thank you.” Time says quietly after a while. 

He has to smile. “Anytime, Old Man. Happy to help.” 

A small nod. 

He slowly drapes the end of his scarf over Time’s shoulders, hand lingering on the leader’s shoulder. Time’s shoulders slump a little bit in a rare moment of vulnerability. 

“You can get some rest. The others won’t be up for a while yet.” He says, and Time nods. 

Slowly stands, sighing slightly and moving over to where his bedroll is still set up. 

“Sleep well.” He says when Time glances back at him, and gets a smile in return.

~~~~

[laminy]

if ur taking fic asks would you mind writing a Colin/Micheal fic where Colin has a panic attack and Micheal comforts him

Isaac had told Colin that was he was alright, but Colin feels less sure about that now. A lot less sure. He knows he should be chuffed that they beat Wolverhampton. But he has to admit that a part of (maybe all of him) was hoping that Zava would show up, play like absolute shit, and Colin would get to play again.

He has no idea how he’s supposed to compete with someone who scores from the halfway line three seconds into the match. Everyone else on the team was celebrating, and Colin was sat there on the sidelines, realizing that his future with Richmond was… Maybe not gone. But certainly not secure.

And that scares the absolute shit out of him.

Just like Nate always wanted. 

He can’t find it in himself to go out celebrating that night. He comes up with some excuse about having to call his dad, but nobody cares. They’re all too happy to bother with him. He goes home and eats alone. He tries to distract himself with his phone but every tweet is about Zava, all the Instagram reels are clips of Zava and commentators talking about Zava, Zava, Zava, and nobody gives a shit about Hughes.

He swallows hard past the lump in his throat, feeling like he’s about to burst into tears. The tears don’t come, though. But the lump in his throat doesn’t go away. It makes him feel like he can’t breathe. He gets a bottle of water and downs the whole thing, trying to convince his brain that yes, he can breathe, he’s fine. But it still won’t go away, and soon it feels like he’s gasping for breath. 

The tears finally come, and as much as he’s trying to convince himself that, he’s still on the team, he still has friends, he’s still a strong and capable man, he feels like an absolute fucking failure. And after that, he’s gone. He can’t breathe, he can’t stop crying, he hates himself so much. He’s a piece of shit. And he can’t call Isaac, or Jamie, or anyone else, because they’re all out partying. Dr. Sharon left. Coach Lasso might answer but Colin’s not about to dump his anxiety on a guy with his own anxiety.

Furiously wiping at his eyes, Colin shakily opens his text messages, looking at his chat with Michael. Who’s in Dubai. Fucking hell, what’s the time difference? He knows Michael said but he can’t remember if it’s three or four hours. And he’s not really sure that they’re in the talk me through my panic attack phase of their relationship yet. 

But if Michael rang him, crying, Colin would help. Colin wants to believe that Michael would do the same.

He clicks Michael’s photo, and then hits video, and waits while the FaceTime call rings. God, he looks like absolute shit.

That’s the first thing Michael tells him, too.

Colin has to laugh. “I know,” he says, wiping his face. “I— fuck. I’m sorry.” He sniffles and tries offering Michael a smile. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Michael says warmly, always so warm to Colin. His smile is kind.

Colin sniffles again. He doesn’t need to drag Michael into this. “I shouldn’t have rang.”

“I think you should’ve,” Michael says. “Because you look like you need someone.”

“I can’t breathe,” Colin says.

“Do you need a doctor?” Michael asks quickly.

“No,” Colin says. “I can breathe, but I—” He swallows hard, and briefly registers that the lump has faded, at least a little. Talking is helping. “Can’t.”

“Okay,” Michael says. “You sound like you’re doing an okay job of it now.”

“My throat hurts,” Colin says.

Michael gives him a sympathetic smile. “Then let’s breathe in.”

Colin does as he told, and holds it, and then Michael tells him to breathe out so he does that too. And then he breathes in again, and repeats the process. The tears have stopped, but his cheeks are still itchy and now his eyes hurt, and he curls in on himself, drawing his knees up to his chest.

“So,” Michael says, “what’s going on?”

“Football,” Colin says. “What else.”

“I heard some people at work today talking about Zava,” Michael says.

“Yeah, I’m sure you did.”

“I’m sorry,” Michael says. “I can’t imagine.”

“It’s not just that I’m not playing,” Colin says. “It’s that none of them care that I’m not. They’re all so far up Zava’s ass that nobody realizes I…” He shakes his head, and new tears spring forward. “I’m pathetic.”

“That’s not true.”

“I’m a shit footballer.”

“Hmm.” Michael smiles, and playfully taps his finger against his lips as he thinks. “I don’t know enough about football to know if that’s true, but I suspect it’s not.”

“I’m a piece of shit.”

“Now I know that’s not true,” Michael says. “And I like Colin Hughes far too much to let anyone say such awful things about him.”

Colin swallows (the lump is almost gone) and gives him a tiny smile. “Yeah?”

Michael nods. “Yeah. So knock it off.”

That gets a laugh out of him. “Okay, I’ll try.”

“No,” Michael says. “Do or do not, there is no try.”

“Do not Star Wars me.”

“You’re footballing me.”

“Football’s cooler.”

Michael rolls his eyes. “You sound like you’re doing fine now, maybe I should go.”

“No!” Colin exclaims, and then a moment later realizes how desperate he sounds. Should he be embarrassed?

Based on Michael’s smile, he thinks maybe not. 

“Stay,” Colin says. “Please. If you can. I know it’s late there.”

“It is,” Michael says. “And I do need my beauty rest.”

“No, you don’t,” Colin says. “You look gorgeous.”

Michael’s smile grows. “Flattery will get you everywhere.”

“I wish you were back,” Colin says. 

“Me too,” Michael says. “Soon.”

“Good.”

[delladuck]

tw// discussion of postpartum depression and depression in general… this is a long post of random Della thoughts

Okay, so I've been thinking about that post I just reblogged a lot because I really the concept of Theory 4 (I know it's sad but it feels so real). I just have minor adjustments in my head. For instance, I personally don't see Della caring about the triplets father at all. Like, my guy was definitely not involved. I really see Della as a free spirit, and I can’t really see her ever wanting to be in a committed relationship… Wow, I'm sorry, I make everything about her sad. In my brain/headcanon world, every relationship she has had always crashes and burns because she doesn't like feeling tied down. She’s always running…. Anyway, about the postpartum depression, I feel like she suffered so badly from it— only not in the way where she wanted to hurt them lol. She just didn't feel bonded or connected and became depressed from that. That's why she was avoidant and would seem at times (to her family) like she wasn't being "responsible". Along with the depression, they also served as a reminder that everything is going to change. So what does she do? She runs.

I love the explanations for Donald and Scrooge under Theory 4. Head-on-the-nail for their thought process and feelings. But yeah, she finally thinks of the SOS and for the first time in months, feels something other than the nagging continuous depression. She thinks that if she can go the distance, do something as extraordinary as space travel, that it will prove things can still be the same and even potentially propel her out of her depressed state. She won't have to "settle down" as she’s constantly being reminded. I don't think it was to get away from her responsibility, I think she was completely overwhelmed and conflicted because of the effects of postpartum.

Being on the moon brings her entirely new traumas. Instead of getting help and speaking out when she was on earth, she’s now literally trapped. Her isolation is, obviously, no longer in her head. Queen, I'm so sorry (as if I'm talking to her LOL). Damn, she really was stranded on the moon by herself for a decade! Her untreated depression worsens into something entirely new (PTSD...!).

She obviously loves the triplets. I think that, relatively quickly, her time on the moon, when things went from bad to worse, her idea worked in a way? It certainly was something to knock her out of her “funk” (postpartummm). The kids are her motivation to keep fighting. She would take care of them. She would make it all up. She was committed, but how the duck was she supposed to think that anything could go wrong when Scrooge McDuck built this for her? Encouraged her to go for it? He always kept her safe and so on and on and on. She tried to free herself following his example and lost everything in her search for how things used to be (insert that Frank post about Scrooge betting it all and willing to rebuild from scratch if he looses everything).

It just seems like she was dealing with a lot— especially internally. So much was happening at once. My girl got so mentally ill. Like, being alive is so complicated… Deyla… I feel like she had a lot of highs and lows, but the lows were more often, common, and longer. One day she would feel like, “This is awesome. My kids are going to be the coolest and I can't wait to show them everything,” then the following week is unending flow of, “There’s too much to do and so many ways to screw up. Why is there so much that goes into taking care of them? They can’t really expect me to stay in the mansion for months on end right? I want to take care of them. I can’t take care of them. Donald thinks he knows everything. I'm a failure. They’re just eggs. What am I supposed to do with that? Yep, I feel soooo bonded... I’m a bad mom. Why don’t I feel the way that I should?” But of course, she’s stubborn and doesn’t tell anyone. So Donald labels her as irresponsible, and Scrooge don’t really gaf tbh because he thinks it will all smooth over and be fine as soon as they hatch. Troll goes ahead and builds SOS and the rest is history. I’m not really sure where I meant to go with this. I drew fanart the other night thinking about this, rediscovered that post I reblogged, and now here I am typing the thought process of a duck that I headcanon to have had postpartum depression. This is all just random and just what I think. I'm sure there are other posts like this but I just spent all this time typing this out so I figure, why not post? Goodnight.

[theoldlesbianwithcats]

do you have advice on how to stop being bitter over not having a gf? I’ve tried dating apps but they’re really bad. Especially with the queer shit lately, it’s all been a mess. I’ve become very frustrated and bitter over being single. I had a “situationship” fail, she didn’t want to do online dating and frankly she ended up being borderline toxic anyway but I still wish things could’ve worked out for us. Especially since finding a gf has been really difficult for me. Ppl my age mid 20s are super immature and nonbinary or yk other stuff. I know I’m going to be single for a while (realistically speaking, none of this “you could meet your soulmate tomorrow” b.s.) I come from a homophobic af family so I had a lot of internalized homophobia I’ve struggled w and honestly staying single w no other gay ppl in general to talk this out with has been making me go back into those dark days.

Hi anon :D

I've been single for a long time as well, so we're in the same boat! I feel like finding a woman to date in your early 20s was also difficult before all the queer/nb nonsense, for most of college my only prospects were bicurious women who wanted to hookup with me to experiment. I was happy to finally enter my 30s so most of these women would be married and stop annoying me, but with the return of political lesbianism they're in all age groups now 🙃 Then in your 40s, 50s and beyond, you have to avoid the "late bloomer lesbians" (= confused bi women with a midlife crisis)! Is there even a time when it's fun for us to date?? I'm not sure.

It's important to remember that being single for a long time doesn't say anything about us, that doesn't mean that we're unlovable or failures. Plenty of good people (even among straight people!) struggle to date and hate dating apps. It's normal to be bitter about all the things you're missing because you're single (hanging out with another lesbian everyday, sharing good moments, support, physical affection, sex) but instead you could try gratitude exercises like listing advantages of being single (more free time, more time for friends and hobbies, you can decorate and organize your place the way you want it...) Beyond internalized lesbophobia, you can use that time to solve any insecurities, emotional baggage or trauma you might have that could cause problems in a future relationship.

Also I've said this already but I really want to insist: when society (and now the lgbtqiabcxyz+++) wants us to be miserable, lonely, and ashamed, we need to go out of our way to be self-indulgent and spend our time doing things that make us happy and fulfilled. You have a lot of free time, so instead of wallowing and doomscrolling, ask yourself: what can I do to make today a great day? Is it working out, calling/meeting with a friend, doing something creative, learning a new skill, finally finishing a video game, cooking a recipe you've always wanted to try? Even relaxing at the park for an hour or two without your phone so you're not sollicited at all can make you feel better! Don't wait until you have a girlfriend to live a happy life! :)

(... Also, if that's not done already, buy yourself a vibrator. You'll feel less miserable about being single if you can give yourself really good orgasms whenever you want haha)

[sephyathredon-writing]

Whumptober #3: Locked in these Chains

Summary: Ambrosius wakes up chained to the wall in an empty cell, only to find out he's not alone. Ballister is in the cell next to his and a mysterious woman soon pays him a visit, calling him a heretic and a traitor to Gloreth's name.

____

Ambrosius jolted awake, to find that his hands were chained to the wall behind him. His armor had been removed and he’d been left in just his underclothes. He felt so very vulnerable without it on.

His hair had grown out since the day that the Institution and the old way of thinking had been dismantled. It was down to the bottom of his shoulders in length now, but at this moment hung in front of his shoulders, messy and unkempt.

His surroundings were barren, nothing but stone with a barred gate on the far end of the room. Ambrosius tugged at his restraints, trying to get free. Last he remembered, Ballister had been with him. His mind went wild just imagining what they were doing to him.

“Ballister, you there?” His voice betrayed how scared he was not to get an answer.

“Ambrosius…” He had to strain to be able to hear Ballister’s voice, but it was there. He breathed out a sigh of relief.

“Are you hurt?”

“No… Just confused… Ambrosius, do you know where we are?”

Instinctively, he shook his head, then realized Ballister couldn’t see him do that, so he spoke up, “No. No clue… but judging by the way we’re chained up… well… this doesn’t seem good.”

“Yeah, no kidding… looks like we’ve been taken underground… I hope Nimona can find us…”

“Me too.”

There were a few moments of silence before Ballister spoke again, “Wait a minute. I recognize this place. Not this area in particular, but the architecture is familiar. These are the tunnels underneath the Glorodome…”

Ambrosius hated being reminded of that awful day where Ballister had been branded a monster and he’d chopped his arm off. Ballister had used those very same tunnels as an escape route. The thought of there being cells like these under the Glorodome sent a chill down his spine.

“What do you think they’re going to do to us?” Ambrosius asked. He had no idea who he was talking about when he said ‘they’ because he had no idea who had taken the two of them down here.

“I don’t-” Ballister’s words were cut off and Ambrosius could hear the noise of the door in his cell opening.

“Well, if it isn’t the heretic, traitor to Gloreth’s good name.” The voice was female, eerily like the director’s but different enough for him to know it wasn’t her.

“Nice to meet you too.” Ballister responded.

The fact that he still retained his sarcasm in the face of whoever had just entered his cell and called him a heretic was something that Ambrosius admired.

“Hmph.” Ambrosius heard the woman scoff, “We’ll see if you still have that same attitude by the time we’re done with you.”

Ambrosius didn’t know what they were going to do, but he didn’t like the sound of it.

“Wait, It’s me you want!” Ambrosius struggled against his restraints, “If anyone has tarnished Gloreth’s name, it’s me!”

“Ah, don’t you worry, I have plans for you. After all, you’re Gloreth’s Great Failure.”

“Hey! That’s not fair! I’ve spent my whole life trying to live up to Gloreth’s standards!”

“And then you threw it all away. For what? For a boy?”

“I did what I knew was right!”

The figure didn’t respond to Ambrosius, instead addressing Ballister. “You must pay for what you did. You and your friend both, but since I don’t see her, you’ll have to take her share of the punishment,” she spoke, her voice void of emotion.

“I’ll gladly take her share if it meant she didn’t get hurt,” Ballister snapped.

The mysterious woman chuckled, “You may be singing a different tune here in a moment.”

“No!” Ambrosius yelled, wishing he could just break through the wall that separated him and Ballister. The shackles were starting to dig into his wrists with how hard he was trying to break free.

Ambrosius almost didn’t register the first of the screams from Ballister, and then when he did, his struggling increased twofold.

“You’ll pay for this!” he shouted, putting everything he had into trying to break free.

The woman ignored him once again and Ballister’s screams got louder.

Ambrosius felt like he was losing his mind. The love of his life was being tortured in the room next to him and he was powerless to stop it.

“Please! Take me instead! Take me instead!” he sobbed.

The chains that held Ambrosis down were fairly short, providing a very limited range of movement, but Ambrosius figured out that if he braced both feet against the wall and leaned his entire body weight forward so that it was all on the chains, the spot where they connected into the wall would start to come loose.

Ambrosius winced at another particularly loud scream. It cut through his heart like a knife, only motivating him further.

The connectors came loose and fell to the ground with a rattling noise. Ambrosius fell to his hands and knees, earning a few scrapes, but he didn’t care. He went straight to the wall that separated them and started to punch.

Cloaked figures came into the room, but Ambrosius kept them away by using the chains attached to his shackles as improvised whips in between punches. The connectors on the end were deadly and tore at the fabric of the figure’s cloaks a few times.

He could see the structural integrity of the wall deteriorate and he estimated one good, powerful punch would be the last thing needed to bring it down.

Unfortunately, as he pulled his fist back, the chain connected to the shackle on that wrist became taut. Someone else was pulling on it. The other one followed, and together two figures dragged him back to the wall. He kicked and screamed and struggled, but their grip was too strong.

“No! Nonono! Bal!” Ambrosius’ eyes were glued to the wall, tears welling up in his eyes. He was so close. He could have broken through the wall, grabbed Ballister, broken his chains, and got out of there.

He barely noticed a third cloaked figure enter the room, but he did notice what was in its hands. A hammer and another pair of shackles, this time with the chain shorter.

“Ambrosius!” He heard Ballister scream his name as they put the extra shackles on his legs and hammered the connector into the ground, “Ambrosius! It hurts! Make it stop!”

They then lifted Ambrosius up and hammered the connectors for his wrist shackles back where they’d been.

“Bal! I’m sorry, I tried!” Ambrosius called out to him. “I won’t stop trying until you’re away from there, till you’re safe, I promise!”

When the cloaked figures left, Ambrosius tested his restraints. There was no way he’d be able to do the same thing again.

____

Hours passed. Ambrosius was sure Ballister was going to die from everything they were doing to him. He struggled on and on endlessly, calling Ballister’s name, trying to find some way to break these chains and get to Ballister.

At some point, Ballister’s full blown screams petered out into soft sobs and cries, still containing Ambrosius’ name.

Ambrosius could swear he was actually losing his mind. Nothing else mattered to him but securing Ballister’s safety. Nothing else mattered except stopping this torture being inflicted on him. As he was struggling, he stared at the wall as if it would crumble under his gaze.

He hardly even registered when the whole place shook. Hardly even noticed a familiar voice in the cell next door.

He didn’t even notice when a familiar pink haired girl entered his cell, by breaking the door off its hinges.

“Yikes, you don’t look so good.”

It was true. Ambrosius’ hair was even messier than it had been before and there was a wild look in his eye. His posture gave away how exhausted he was, but he continued to tug on the chains.

He didn’t hear Nimona.

“Ballister… don’t worry… I’ll get you out of there…” he mumbled over and over.

“Hey, big guy, it’s over,” Nimona said as she reached a hand toward him.

In Ambrosius’ mind it was the hand of the woman that had been torturing Ballister.

He lashed out, biting Nimona’s wrist. She didn’t even flinch. Ambrosius locked eyes with her. His angry expression melted into sadness as more tears fell. He understood she could just shapeshift into something else, but she chose to let him bite her. He let go.

“See now, everything’s okay.” She made her other arm into a crab claw, “Just stay still, okay?”

Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. He was free.

Ambrosius fell into Nimona who set him down gently on the floor.

“Where’s Ballister, How is Ballister?” he asked, his voice hoarse from all the shouting.

Nimona avoided his gaze, “He’s looking pretty rough.”

“But he’s still alive, right Nimona?” His panic showed in his voice as he spoke.

Before Nimona could answer, Ambrosius heard a voice from the other end of the cell.

“Ambrosius…” The voice was quiet and very hoarse, but he recognized it.

There, in the doorway, was Ballister. From his posture on the ground with his arms out in front of him and legs straight back, it was clear that he dragged himself to that spot. Ambrosius could see the extensive damage that had been done to him. He was shirtless, burns and cuts littered his body, more scars littered his face. It really looked like he’d been to hell and back.

“Ballister!”

Ambrosius willed his body to move. It seemed to have enough strength in it to get him across the room and to his love’s side. He scooped the man into his arms and held him close.

“Bal,” he sobbed, “Ballister, I’m sorry… I failed you… I couldn’t save you.”

Weakly, Ballister reached a hand up and placed it on his cheek, his expression loving despite the pain he was dealing with. “Shh, It’s okay. You did what you could.”

Nimona went to their side, looking at Ballister with a sad expression. “Boss, I told you not to move…”

Ballister gave her a pained smile, “I had to see Ambrosius.”

Nimona gave him a look of understanding. She stood up, moved outside of the cell and closed her eyes, beginning to grow.

“Get under me!” she shouted.

Ambrosius picked Ballister up and moved to duck under Nimona’s rapidly growing dragon form. She couldn’t fit in the space and the whole structure was coming down around them.

When she was fully shifted, she offered a paw to Ambrosius, holding it so they could sit on the pad.

As soon as Ambrosius was comfortable, Nimona pushed through the ceiling. Ambrosius held Ballister tightly, ready to protect him from any stray falling debris.

  He watched as they emerged from the Glorodome, lights still on in the dark, even though the building wasn’t being used anymore. Ballister’s prediction had been right. Whoever these people were, they’d made their hideout in the tunnels underneath.

It didn’t take long for them to arrive at a hospital. Ambrosius was grateful for Nimona’s abilities at a time like this. Ballister was admitted quickly and Ambrosius was looked over, though his diagnosis was just to get some sleep.

So he was left in the waiting room with Nimona. It was only then that the impact of everything that happened fully hit him. He was shaking, leg bouncing nervously, fidgeting with his hands.

Nimona sat next to him. She looked equally concerned, but she placed a hand on his knee.

“Hey big guy, you know Ballister. You know he’ll make it through. He’s tough like that.”

Ambrosius didn’t answer her, didn’t trust himself to answer her without his voice wavering. He looked away, focusing on the opposite side of the room, but he wasn’t really looking at it, his head was too full of thoughts. In his mind he reviewed the situation over and over again.

He wondered what he could have done differently, how he could have saved his love from getting hurt.

He found that he remembered now, once everything was said and done, how they were brought down into those tunnels. They were ambushed in the middle of the Kingdom. Nimona had been off doing her own thing and they’d been on their way home. The sun had been setting and they’d just come back from a wonderful dinner date.

It happened so quickly. One moment Ballister had been laughing and joking next to him, his hand in Ambrosius’, the next, he’d been grabbed by a cloaked figure and knocked out.

When Ambrosius had tried to call for help, they’d knocked him out as well, interrupting his call mid sentence.

Ambrosius glanced over at Nimona, who had her legs pulled up to her chest, staring straight ahead. Unshed tears lingered on her eyelids.

He reached over and placed a hand gently on her shoulder, causing her to look up at him. He gave her a reassuring smile. It was the best thing he could offer in a time like this.

“It took hours for me to hear the news that you both had gone missing. I searched so hard, but I couldn’t find you guys…” She sniffled, the tears falling, “If I had been quicker, this would never have happened to Boss…” Her voice was stifled with emotion.

Right. He had almost forgotten how much Ballister meant to her. He was the first one that really gave her a chance, and now she might lose him.

Ambrosius bent down and enveloped her in a hug. She turned and sobbed into his shoulder, hands looping around his waist and holding him tightly. He brought his hands around her back holding her as tight as he could. When they pulled away, she smiled at him.

“Thanks, that really helped.”

“I’m glad. I just want you to know that you’re not alone in feeling like that. We can’t change the past, what’s done is done. In my experience it’s best not to dwell on the past.”

He needed to learn to take his own advice.

Nimona smiled, “Did the arm chopping incident teach you that?”

Ambrosius nodded.

Things went quiet between them, but Nimona turned into a cat and climbed into Ambrosius’ lap, allowing him to pet her and purring up a storm. Tears still fell, but that was to be expected given the situation. Ambrosius tried to make her feel as comfortable as he could and found that he didn’t dwell on his own sadness as much as a result.

It felt like ages before they were finally called by a doctor. The two of them were led down a hallway. Nimona changed from a cat to her little girl form, holding one hand up for Ambrosius to take. He did so, walking with her down the hall.

Soon they were led into a room with a bed that Ballister was laying on. He still looked in rough shape. There was an IV in his arm. Bandages covered his body and patches covered the new scars on his face. Still, he was clearly awake, and he smiled when he saw Ambrosius and Nimona.

“Boss!” Nimona called, running up to him and climbing onto the bed.

“Nimona, you’re in your child form.” Ballister reached out and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, “Were you really that worried about me?”

She just nodded.

Ambrosius, however, turned to the doctor. “What’s the diagnosis?”

They looked down at their clipboard and then back up at Ambrosius.

“Looks like he’ll be fine with some rest. He lost a lot of blood, but a quick transfusion brought him back to safe levels. Many of the wounds he had required stitches, so he will need to be brought back in several weeks after the wounds have healed.”

Ambrosius breathed a sigh of relief, then looked over at Nimona and Ballister before addressing the doctor again. “Can we stay with him for the rest of the night?”

“I don’t see why not,” they replied. “Just be aware he will be woken up periodically to receive painkillers,” the doctor informed them before leaving. They turned off the lights on the way out, but there was enough light filtering through the window in the room that they could see.

He nodded and looked at Nimona who was already in cat form and making herself comfortable in Ballister’s lap.

He smiled and approached the bed. “Got room for one more?”

Without waiting for an answer, he climbed in beside Ballister on the opposite side of the bed than the one the IV was by.

Ambrosius slung one arm around Ballister gently and the other man responded by bringing his left hand up to rest on Ambrosius’ arm. In the condition that he was in, Ballister couldn’t turn his body to the side like Ambrosius was, but he could turn his head, so that’s what he did.

“I could have lost you today, Bal…” Ambrosius’ voice betrayed how upset he really was about it.

“I know, but you didn’t, that was the important thing,” he replied.

“Bal… I don’t know what I would do without you… I… I wish I could have been stronger… I wish I could have saved you. And what was with that woman? Why did she seem to revere Gloreth… she called me her failure and called you a heretic. Is there some kind of weird Gloreth cult we don’t know about… how long until it happens again?”

“Ambrosius.”

That was all Ballister had to say to keep his thoughts from spiraling. All at once, his thoughts stopped and all his attention was on Ballister.

“It’s okay. I’m here, I’m alive. If there’s something like that in the Kingdom then we’ll deal with it.” Ballister spoke in a soft voice.

“Yeah, besides we destroyed part of their hideout. And even if they do decide to make a move soon, I’m not letting my eyes off the two of you, at least not for a while.”

Ambrosius smiled. He knew Nimona had the best of intentions, especially after what happened today, but he could predict that it would get annoying really fast, especially when he wanted private time with Ballister. But he supposed he’d just have to deal with it. If they could knock the two of them out so easily, then it’d be nice for them to have someone like Nimona looking out for them.

“Sounds good. Now, I think we should go to sleep. It’s been an exhausting day and Bal needs his rest,” Ambrosius responded.

“Already on it,” Nimona replied, shifting a little to get comfortable.

“Sounds like a plan. There’s nowhere I’d rather sleep than next to my two favorite people in the world.” Ballister pet Nimona’s fur a little and then reached over to put a hand on Ambrosius’ shoulder before making himself comfortable and getting ready for sleep.

The night passed as quietly as it could with someone waking Ballister up for him to take meds. They took those moments to check in with each other, and most importantly Ballister before going back to sleep.

[anti-endo-safe-space]

This isn’t a vent related to endos, but I wanted to go somewhere and you were the first to come to mind. You don’t have to post this either, I just… need a place to go and desperately. You don’t have to read it either, I just wanted a space to go to, I guess. I’m sorry.

I feel like a giant mistake and a failure as a human being. I view myself as a test subject and no one seems to understand the pain that comes with that, I’m a subject that’s always wrong. I feel like I’m always so upset when people say that we’re predictable because we can’t predict ourselves, we never know what’s happening or what’s going on. I feel like other people don’t want to be our friend because we don’t know ourselves or feel like we know a collective identity. There’s never anything solid there.

I want it all to end but u know it won’t and I feel so alone in a world full of people. Even when we’re with others, it’s a constant feeling of alone unless one person is there. And they aren’t here right now. I keep seeing disfigured shapes that always look like shadows and there’s a mist on the floor and I know it isn’t real but I can feel them staring, I can hear the sounds of the popping joints and I can see them turn to look at me like they see me before walking off.

It’s like a waking nightmare and I can’t get out of it. I feel like I’m stuck in an in-between. I’m trying to mask to focus on our blog and answering asks and making sure that the community there is okay, but it’s so hard. The rooms and house don’t feel real. I’m here but I’m not here and it’s so painful. I can see but I can’t see at the same time.

I don’t want to make things about me when other people are in pain and I’m scared to ask for help so I shove it down completely. I don’t know what to do about it anymore and I want someone that’s safe besides our partner to go to. I don’t know what it is anymore.

I feel like a child. I feel so lost and scared. I feel like I wondered in childish glee and now I’m in a waking nightmare with creatures that don’t hurt me but know my pain and can’t do anything about it. They feel so real and I feel so bad but they’re horrifying. I just want to be home. I want to be normal.

I want to stop seeing and hearing things. I’m desperate to have someone with me. I don’t know what to do anymore and I’m so afraid.

And I look perfectly fine to the outside world but I’m dying inside. I feel trapped in a cage and I can’t get out.

We've spent a few days trying to best figure out how to respond to this. And it's why we're not tagging this with anything other than for endos to not interact because this is something that you will hopefully find

You are not a failure or a mistake, you are a wonderful creature that this world needs more than anything. It's okay to not have a solid identity or to be unpredictable, even without a system that happens. There's nothing wrong with that. It can be stressful but your not bad. And even if no one else wants to be, we'd love to be your friend.

Please, don't go. Stay. Even if it doesn't seem like it, you are so loved and cared about. Your life has so much waiting, it just takes some time but you'll get to a point you'll look back on now and be so proud of how far you've gotten. Even if that person isn't there, even just pretending they are can help. Please keep going. Those happen, seeing things. We see things sometimes that aren't there. Hear things too. That doesn't make you wrong or a mistake, it just means that yeah there's a potential issue but you are not the issue.

Hey your pain is so real and valid. We don't care, come to us. We'll listen. Hell DM us and we'll listen and give you an ear, a shoulder, anything you need. Talk about what's going on, don't try and bottle it in. It won't help any, it'll only hurt.

It's okay to think they're horrifying, that doesn't make you bad or wrong. Your going through a hellish situation that hurts. Your gonna get to be home, even if your home is a person. Normal isn't even really a thing, and even if it is, there's nothing wrong with being different. Your normal in your own way.

Please, go see a doctor, a therapist, anyone. They can help stop your hallucinations. You don't have to say your a system, they don't need to know that. But you can tell them about the hallucinations, they can help.

We get that, you can make a key though. There's always a key you can make, you can do this. Just please.

Even though it hurts, keep going. Keep trying. Push through this. Survive even through this pain.

We are here for you. Dm's, asks, anything. Please, just stay alive, even if it's hard.

[cementisgud]

Evil’s Theater Productions: OSS

 - Barisols Child is an Only Child CONCEPT - For the stage we’re gonna have to halves, one side for Behemo, one side for Levia. When we get to the lyric “ There was another world in the mirror that his eyes had been able to see “ we should have some sort of wall-thing that represents a mirror so then whoever plays Levia can do her thing and extend her hand towards Behemo. - Project MA - Eve enters through Left Center stage (PLS DO UR OWN RESEARCH ON STAGE DIRECTIONS. I’VE LEARNED THIS THROUGH DRAMA CLASSES) and stops singing her part when she walks to Right Center Stage. We get to the part that says “ The name of the man I love is Adam” he could appear and does what the lyrics say (specifically He gave me a kiss and told me “After this you will become the mother of gods, ‘Mem Aleph’”.) and also give her the brainwashing,.. poison thing....  At the part “  When everything’s over with, let’s have a marriage ceremony. In our favorite Helds forest. “ There could be a screen that shows an image of Held’s forest... I just think that’ll be cool. For Adam’s part, this time he’ll enter Right Center Stage and walk towards Left Center Stage. When we get to the part “I have regretful news. The project was a failure.” (uhmm... i didnt read oss so correct me if anything is wrong or should be fixed here) I guess we could see Eve and Adam’s reaction to the miscarriage???!??! Then Eve leaves the stage once again and we get to the part “The senate and Seth took my mother from me” we could see something happen to Adam’s mom and Adam plotting to punish them. When we get to the part “  My beloved Eve, I’ve broken you, I’m sorry “ I WANT EVERYTHING TO GO ALL DARK. EVERYTHING DARK, YOU CANNOT SEE ADAM ANYWHERE AND A SCREEN COULD SHOW THE LYRICS. Then without us noticing, Eve enters the stage (Left Stage Center) and the spotlight focuses on Adam and Eve when we get to the lyric “I truly came to love, completely.” The stage lights up again and we see a marriage ceremony in Held’s Forest at the “  Come, let’s get married in that forest “ and they have their marriage stuff...ew kiss kiss and all that. WE COULD GET A SCREEN THAT SHOWS A BROKEN STAR AND A MOON AND STAR VANISHING FOR THE LYRIC “  The night the star was broken, the moon and star vanished from the south sky “ and then they flee the stage and a labratory i think !??! and we see seth talking his crap and all the the end. - Moonlit Bear - We see the forest again, and we see Eve picking up some apples. The apples are of course - not real apples because they’re translucent and show Hansel and Gretel inside the apples (like fish eggs). We get to the part “  A scary bear comes out “ and Meta enters from Right Center Stage and she’s gonna go to Eve like “yo?? wtf bitch those r my kids” (obviously she wont say that you get the point) We get a Meta and Eve chase scene, I think it would be fun that we get Eve to get the audience to help her (and depending if there is enough space in the audience we could get her to plead the audience to help her). We see the Moonlit Residence and Eve enters the house. (also we see meta’s corspe she’ll just chill out there for now) and Adam’s saying shit like “FFS EVE YOU DELUSINAL ASS BITCH. OUR CHILDREN?? DEAD.” (once again obviously he won’t say that but we know the story) and eventually they go outside and see Meta’s corspe. ((do blogs never require maximum of words??? i’ve typed so much already)) -  A Tale of Abandonment on a Moonlit Night -  We see the Moonlit family, Hansel and Gretel aren’t babies anymore. Eve and Adam lead their children through the path and of course there are questioning them “Mother, what kind of fortune does this path lead to? Over there, will we be able to eat lots of our favorite snacks?” “Father, beyond this point is God waiting for us? Why do you look at us with such sad faces?” Adam and Eve exit the the stage and now the twins are abandoned. What happens is self-explantory but when Hansel finds the bottle we should get the spotlight to play as the moonlight ( “ A small glass bottle is lit up by the moon”). We need a box thing that’s an oven. I WOULD ENJOY TO SEE HANSEL AND GRETEL SHOVE EVE IN THE OVEN AND KILL ADAM. AND THERES FIRE EVERYWHERE OMG I’D LOVE IT (as a gretel sympath) Hansel and Gretel exit the stage and as they say “Come, let’s go meet our real mother and father.” Closes the book of OSS. Okay that was a long one.. I’ll continue Original Sin Story tonight maybe. Remember that some things are illogical and that is okay, we’re just having fun here. Share your ideas too. :3

[rottenbrainstuff]

BG3 playthrough - ending act 2

Ugh. I’m at the end of Act 2 now…. This game has kept me so wonderfully occupied for months, I’m kind of sad to be nearing the end, but also excited to see what else will happen. Of all the things I have already spoiled for myself, I’m mostly totally unfamiliar with the dark urge content for act 3, so I’m excited to see what new horrors I get to wring my tav through!

I thought I’d quickly wrap up after defeating Ketheric and move on, but dang there’s a lot of things to clean up here… everyone suddenly needs to talk to me all at once, even fricking Withers showed up. There’s books to grab now that no one is watching, corpses to loot. Aylin and Isobel are fucking hilarious, I love them, they’re adorable.

I’m really sad there’s so many ways to shit-talk Zevlor with Cerys. (oddly there’s also dialogue options to talk about him as if he’s dead when he definitely is not. The dialogue in act 2 definitely needs some polish, I’ve found a lot of little errors like this) Man I dunno. I mean he definitely failed. His own personal responsibility in regards to that failure is debatable. The tieflings are certainly in their right to be angry. But like. He fully accepts his culpability without excuse. He seems like he’s completely thrown himself away because of one moment of weakness against a foe whose entire MO is to manipulate people into obedience. In the end he wasn’t even suitable to be a true soul anyways, he says he was rejected, possibly because he was fighting, he can’t remember. I totally get the anger but I also feel bummed I don’t have more dialogue options to try to argue harder on his behalf, even if Cerys will never forgive him. Sigh. Does Alfira have anything to say? In a normal playthrough is she with the group at the tower? I’m just too protective of my sad old man hellrider I guess.

Before I left the shadow curse map, I stopped back at Last Light just to see if there was anything left. …there was. There were a handful of tieflings still there, and still giving me the “I saw a light in the sky!” dialogue. I hope nothing is permanently bugged for them and they’ll travel over to act 3 properly? Lakrissa was still there, Cal and Lia were still there, and Danis was there by himself in the yard (amusingly, after I brought him back from the Moonrise prison, sometimes he was walking around with Bex, and other times they somehow got separated and would just stay stuck in their separate spots, waiting for the other one to join them).

I’ve heard some people say that the scene with Raphael and Mol playing lanceboard has been removed, and replaced with a bit of an odd dialogue instead. I reloaded one of my own saves of me walking up to Last Light for the first time, and it was still the lanceboard scene for me, but maybe I just wasn’t loading back far enough? Some people speculate that the scene has been changed to get rid of an uncomfortable comment Raphael makes about Mol being “a blushing apple waiting to be plucked.” Other people are saying this is actually a glitch, and I am hoping that is the case. I accidentally got a strange dialogue path once when I was talking to Jaheira, and it seems this dialogue is from an alternate plot if you didn’t end up saving the grove. I’m hoping this alternate Raphael scene has to do with that.

Raphael’s line is definitely extremely uncomfortable but like. In my opinion… that’s… the point. Y’all really, really, desperately really need to learn that it’s ok to feel uncomfortable, there are going to be lots of things in life that make you feel uncomfortable, and you are actually going to have to find a way to process that feeling rather than demand that everything that makes you feel uncomfortable be removed. It’s an uncomfortable line. I don’t think Raphael has specific sexual intent in mind when he makes the statement, but I think it is very unfortunately worded, and it’s like that on purpose, and it’s supposed to make you go oh wow that is not cool. Raphael is a devil, he is literally evil, and I’m sorry if this comes as a surprise, but it makes sense that he would say things that are Not Good.

Anyways, I do really think it’s a glitch rather than a change, because if you wanted to get rid of that line, it would be much much easier to just edit that single line out of the conversation and salvage the rest of the scene, rather than completely rewriting a totally new conversation, a new conversation which now also doesn’t start the discussion about Mol’s contract with Raphael. That’s what I’m putting my money on, anyways, and I hope it’s true, because the lanceboard scene is nice and that would be a stupid reason to just cut the entire thing out.

In all the gifs I’ve seen of Gortash, I never understood his appeal, he always just gave me the overwhelming impression that he smells like a pile of damp towels that sat in a corner instead of being properly dried. Now that I’ve seen him, I am doubling down on that. I’m glad for the girlies who are crazy for him, and I definitely like him as an amusing antagonist, but I still imagine him as a stinky mildewed goblin man.

I am STILL crying about the little note from baby Isobel that Ketheric kept with him. I think my tav is going to start carrying that around as well. Fuck, man.

My tav has really been through the shit with all the creepy dark urge flavour in the colony, and all he wants is a fucking rest to process some of this, but he can’t because now we’ve got the Big Giant Emperor reveal coming up.