#that’s fine jobs take time whatever
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*looking all 11,213 of you in the eyes* guys I need this to be a safe space for silly people bc I’m turning into a clown
#personal tag#delete later#ok so Im hanging out w this guy#and a few days ago he said no to hanging out bc he’d working#that’s fine jobs take time whatever#but there have No More Texts#and i havnt seen him in over a week#so like#if I text and offer mushrooms (bc we both like those)#is that normal and fun or the text of a man desperate to make out whole high#idk. someone pls tell me to stop being silly and text him#bc the worst he can say is no#bc if he says no then I will simply find another fish#ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh dating makes me wanna set stuff on fire#I just wanna hang out with him#but i am so nervous about asking#FUCK
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RANT
#hey boss#u uh- u said i was working sun n wed- can i have more consistent days so i have days to block out for interviews?#.#uve been forewarned#ok so its four months into my gap year and HOLY SHIT JOB SEARCHING IS SO FRUSTRATING#so im working as a clerk at this law firm mon and wed (only 8 hours total tho)#n i THOT i had my reatil job in the bag but then boss goes “yea im really sorry but i cant give u three days - only sundays and weds”#so i was like great ok i need another job thats cool ill just bliock out sundays and weds for potential employers#THEN on sat boss texts n goes “ahhh i dont need u till next week- also can u switch ur wed to fri”. ??????? MA'AM#so i go#she says sorry kid i dont WHICH IS FINE I APPRICIATE THE COMMUNICATION#so i have an interview the next day at a coffee shop for a time THE MANAGER OFFERED#i show up after having pit my day aside for this noon interview#i walk in employees go “uh ho manager stepped out”#she camnt come back for the rest of the day AND doesnt apologize in her email- just “unfourntallyyyy i didnt have time to check my email”#MAAM YOU SEND THE INVITE#whatever#luckily last friday i was invited to this job fair by like four diff locations in san fran n was immeditaly hired#(first trial shift tmr yay!)#but the commute is gonna be KILLER#however im hopeful n i love coffee so yay#also my pet sitting is taking off ive got two sits booked for october#which is suprising bc im also traveling for half the month#manchester edenbrough st andrews milan lake como babayyyyyyy#also this thursday im heading to chicago and maine for a wedding (yay go love!) and to tenessee for another wedding in jan#so now ive got law firm retail associate barista dog sitter n i just KNOW when the holidays roll around n both retail jobs will be wack ill#be floored#but. ahem anywats good things frustrating thinsg stressful things but GOD am i glad i took this gap year#oh yea and ive been hiking tones! lands end trail#tilden park
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ouhhhh the neighbour doesn't have any supplies of her own for crochet and I'm teaching her and my mother today starting in just over an hour
and i am ... not selfish with my supplies but i am unemployed and living off a very tight budget (cannot purchase any more yarn for projects unless i manage to do some pretty spectacular savings on my groceries for the month which is... not very doable) so I'm a tad worried she's going to be good at crocheting and want to Make Something with the yarn that i do have fjdskl and I would normally be totally fine with that but considering there's basically nowhere in town to buy yarn (i've had to buy online) and shipping is $20+ lately, that's not exactly a great thing for me right now 🧍♂️
#but i feel terrible for worrying about this fdsjkl like it feels selfish and greedy to worry#however. she is employed. as is her husband. and i have been unemployed (due to disability lol) and have had zero income for three yrs#just living off savings and watching it get drained slowly all away by my parents charging me rent to live in the basement fdsjkl#(and i realize i am very very lucky to have had so much in my savings account that i'd been stashing away since my first job in gr 8 lol)#so um... i think perhaps she should go to walmart and buy whatever random skein they have on the bare shelves#in NORMAL circumstances i'd be totally fine to share my supplies#i love teaching ppl and sharing my crafts !!! i love helping ppl make art !! i am normally very happy to share and give away !!#this is not normal circumstances though i am so stressed about even just buying groceries lately fdsjkl#AUUGHH i was just hoping she'd got some sort of beginner's kit or smth already fdsjkl#im probably worrying about nothing though fdsjkl like crochet takes a while to get the hang of#and hopefully by the time we have our next ''lesson''/teaching session she will have acquired at least some yarn of her own#and unfortunately i cannot lend her any of my hooks bc i am working on a project that requires the hooks i'd normally lend#vent //#dandy.cmd#I'LL DELETE THIS LATER BTW SORRY i just have to yell somewhere so i dont cry and panic dsfjkl i got myself so worried over this
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survived my perilous journey (walked two blocks in the dark to shower at my sister's not-yet-entirely liveable apartment because our plumbing is having issues)
#a sock speaks#I got so much done today#went to the bank because B told me last minute about a document I needed for orientation today#went to restaurant job prepared to argue why the regional manager should keep me employed when I'm taking a second job#he listened for like 2 seconds and was like fine do whatever you want let the shift manager handle it. shift manager is already on board <3#work tag#had an hour and a half to kill so I went to Taco Bell. I had a crunchwrap supreme and a baja blast for the first time ever#truly one of the experiences of all time#food tag#went home for like 2 minutes. opened package containing new sheets shower drain covers and a food thermometer#the breads are going to be elite. the meats no longer need be overcooked. might even boldly venture into candies#the sheets are percale. see @libraryofjoy for cotton sheet weave poll.#went to homecare job for orientation. filled out many intimidating forms.#went grocery shopping. forgot the spinach.#and then my shower venture. great success.
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Don't know how to do the whole living under capitalism thing anymore sorry...
#liveblogging my life#i feel such an idiot for having such a hard time coping#bc like if i get fired I'll be fine#my parents have two apartments under their names#i will never ever be on the risk of homelessness#and likely not starving either#so like I don't have to have two jobs to make ends meet or whatever#I don't have children to take care of#abd yet this is killing me#post university life is killing me#before even with work i had like a purpose goals#now I'm not even doing anything i care about#I'm just wasting my life so that a company earns more money#under a boss who hates me bc he thinks I slack off (i don't!!!)#but I don't have time for myself#nor motivation to pursue any personal projects#and i end up too tired from work to do anything else#at all#not to mention how hard living with my girlfriend is#like i love her to death but god the constant socialization#it's exhausting#i want to have my room back!#I want to have any sense of control or direction as to how my life is going#and I don't have it anymore#my life is over#it's just work until retirement#no living in different places anymore#no more excitement#just... routine
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I have decided that this upcoming week and a half are going to be extremely not "banana bread at work dude hell yeah"
#between 3 exams accounting for 50% of my grade in my class#returning not only to work after 10 days off but returning to see the manager who caused my mind to fully mentally break#and now also the 3rd thing#I'm just spent and i dunno how I'm gonna keep moving#i picked up a second job in a funeral home too#have to go shopping for clothes after work tomorrow but it can't be too late cuz i have to come home to let the dog out#i have to do the same quickly on tuesday after work before rushing back in the direction of work#where my school is#so i maybe get... an hour of time to cram before exam#i need to order propane#i need to fix my car#i need to take care of my lawn and house#i need to grocery shop#typing it all out helps#i think I'm gonna grocery shop today#though the thought of food makes me feel really sick right now#whatever I'll feel fine by like friday probably
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tag drop ( 1 ).
the pinnacle of entertainment. ◢ ic.
you should've read the fine print. ◢ ask.
don't say 'yes' until i've finished talking. ◢ open.
everyone will see it; every demographic! ◢ image.
they'll be consuming whatever we sell them! ◢ isms.
circuit board to brain. ◢ headcanons.
redesign your logo. give us all your money. ◢ crack.
i'm what's hip! i'm what's happening! i'm blowing up right now!◢ dash commentary.
computer virus any% speedrunner. ◢ ooc.
positions open; no job turnover!◢ rp memes.
i'll put it on my calendar. ◢ interaction call.
talent scouting. ◢ promo.
let's take another time slot for advertising. ◢ self promo.
#the pinnacle of entertainment. ◢ ic.#you should've read the fine print. ◢ ask.#don't say 'yes' until i've finished talking. ◢ open.#everyone will see it; every demographic! ◢ image.#they'll be consuming whatever we sell them! ◢ isms.#circuit board to brain. ◢ headcanons.#redesign your logo. give us all your money. ◢ crack.#i'm what's hip! i'm what's happening! i'm blowing up right now!◢ dash commentary.#computer virus any% speedrunner. ◢ ooc.#positions open; no job turnover!◢ rp memes.#i'll put it on my calendar. ◢ interaction call.#talent scouting. ◢ promo.#let's take another time slot for advertising. ◢ self promo.#tag drop
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...
#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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i shouldve studied something else i should’ve done stem
#GUUUUUYYYSSSUUAUAUUUHGGAHUHGHH#i am so so so dumb and stupid truly i can feel like brain smoothing as the seconds pass#i feel like i’m gonna die someday and they’re gonna take my brain out and it’s gonna look like a bowling ball bc of how smooth it is AUUAUGH#yesterday a girl at this party asked me what my major was and i said gd and she was like ‘do you love it?!’ and i just 😃☝🏼🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍#GGAAAAHHWHHHHUHHHHHUH I DOOO I LOVE IT I THINK BUT IM SO SCAAARREDD I FEEL LIKE IM BAADDDDDD AND IT MAKES ME THINK I DONT LIKE IT TTTT#I DONT LIKE BEING BAAADDDUUUHAHGHGHIHGH HOW HARD CAN IT BE.#AND I LOVE SCIENCE SO MUCUUUUCH BUT MY BRAIN HAS SMOOTHED BEYOND REPAIR I KNWO I WOULD BE BAD#BUT IF I STARTED OUT DOING IT MAYBE I WOULDNT BE SO BAD. AUUGGHH#maybe my smooth brain would not be so smooth. god. i love science#i loved biology i loved oceanography i LOOOVE CHEMISTRY AUUGH#and if covid don’t happen i would’ve taken physics and probably hated it but maybe i wouldn’t and maybe i would like astrophysics#and maybe i would go to space. covid ruined my chances of going to space and turning my brain smooth#whatever whatever whatever i like being an artist it’s fine i love being a graphic designer i love being an illustrator i love it#it would just be very very nice if i didn’t feel dumber than everyone around me all the time when having conversations#and it would be nice to not be. so so scared of my job all the time#whatever whatever#sorry#🌙.txt#i love science#my high school chemistry teacher also redacted after i graduated an do liked him a lot so that makes me miss chemistry even more. WHATEVER#sorry i’m done
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adjusting is so hard and impossible and long and it feels like you can’t do it and you can’t do anything and you’re going to die and there’s no hope and then. You Adjust. And it hurts and happens slowly and awkwardly and you resist it and think no I can’t I’ll just die but. You do. Adjust. You don’t die. You adjust. And then you find yourself getting up??? And you don’t want to die??? At all. You’re ok. It’s going to be fine. And it’s like. Ok. so .what the fuck was all that for then?????? Why did I have to go through all that? And it’s like. So fucking annoying like so so so annoying but it’s like. Oh. I was Adjusting. 😡🙄
#especially now that I’m taking a mood stabsliser and have gone not from depression into hypomania#and instead am just feeling like …. balanced and healthy#it’s like ok so what the fuck 😭 I’m just fine? I just needed time and medication or whatever? like ur kidding#anyway hang in there#I’m glad I didn’t kill myself before meeting my new funny gayguy friend#or before I saw challengers#or before we had that group hug at the pub#before I got my nice new job#before I started working on my new painting#or before I heard Beginners Guide to Birdwatching#and adjusted or whatever
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feeling normal (birthday in like 3 days that im not ready for) feeling normal (too artblocked and preoccupied to even think about finishing artfight and wrestling with guilt about it) feeling normal (-£600 in bank account) feeling normal (realised breaking my foot last year led to Lasting Consequences but cant see a physio abt my fucked up legs til january) feeling normal (has to learn to drive stick and the instructor is scary) feeling normal (stlil has no idea how to un-fuck social life after the great mental breakdown of april 2023) feeling normal (gross sobbing)
#'hows it going' yeah everything is happening so much its fine tho <2#like im FINE im just. all over the goddamn place i need things to just settle down#i applied for a job thats like. actually the closest thing i can think of to my dream job. like. rare opportunity where i can suck up to th#employer as much as i want about the place having a huge impact on my life and mean every single word of it for real#(its at the bird park where i used to volunteer but this time doing flight displays animal training and education)#im slightly underqualified for it (no prior hands-on experience and no drivers license yet) so i might not even get the interview#so not getting my hopes up high yet#i can always volunteer there again on weekends while i work whatever retail gig will take me if i dont#but fuuuck it'd be nice. so so cool#'required qualifications: undergrad degree in fields related to animal behaviour' me rolling up with my shiny new Animal Behaviour BSc:#anyway. AUghrh#give things a few more weeks to shake out. ill be okay#having complicated feelings about one chapter of my life being over.. its a fucked up transitory period thats prolly gonna feel worse-#before it feels better#but ill settle into it soon especially once i get a job/my sister goes to college in september#....and i get the goddamn boxes out of my room so it feels more like a place i actually live again jgHJSDN#vent/#its not Really but close enough
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coworker (derogatory)
#she just fucking. IRKS me#so we have the same job. same authority level. yet she acts like shes a lead#which would be fine im ok with others taking charge#IF THEY DO IT RIGHT#shes SO FUCKING BAD AT IT??#AND. we have senority!!#yes she is older than us physically but we have worked here for months longer!!!#if anyone is in charge (WHICH SHOULD BE THE LEAD) would it not be the guy who worked there longest???#uggghhhh#she came in late today then was like um youre doing potties wrong youre only supposed to fill half and leave the other stalls for ne#girl then be on time#im not waiting for u im not making the dogs wait for u#so she starts bringing my dogs back (against the rules) (we literally had a meeting last night)#im done arguing. just. fine. whatever. she better have charted or else thatll look bad on me since i brought the dogs out#confronts me later. make sure you fill the potty waters. i say i do. she says yeah but not enough#gestures to a bowl she has filled that is 1) smaller than the bowls in potties 2) TOO FULL#we're not supposed to fill them past halfway so they dont spill#and theyre in the potties for like. 15 minutes. even if they finish their water. im fairly sure its not that inhumane for them to#wait a few more minutes before they go back to their room#THEN. she goes to do feeding. someone is in a meeting where the ipads are (needed to track feeding)#only ipad out is for the front. the front also needs an ipad. so i am instructed to wait#few min later. she comes with an ipad. is the meeting over? no i took it from the front#GIRL.#and she always complains about being in group too much#bestie 90% of the job is group#if you get a day shift youre gonna spend it in group#chill#just. ugh#chaos chitters
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cant sleep because im seething with anger
#been laying here for like 40 minutes fantasizing about finally snapping and telling my mom everything i really think and feel#if i ever came out to her she would end up cutting me off like she did to my aunts and uncles and cousins#basically im alone and my parents and siblings are the only family i can be in contact with right now and its isolating#off topic but yeah#i miss having a big family and people besides my parents that i could rely on. people i felt like i could actually breathe around#idk. whatever#why do i feel responsible for her actions all the time. its been my job to keep her stable and listen to her vent for years#but i never say anything about my own feelings. because she would make me feel stupid and ridicule me. lol#all she does is make me feel like shit most of the time. shes always in a bad mood and shes always whining and always pessimistic#and yeah i get along with her for the most part but lately her attitude has been weighing on me a lot. i cant criticize or disagree with her#because she'll just get mad. shes always been an angry person. thats why i hardly spoke to her from ages 10-15#maybe i jsut wanted to give her another chance. maybe i felt sympathy for her. shes had it rough her whole life#but when shes still bitter no matter how many times i comfort her and let her vent and cry to me and when she chooses her husband over me#every single time he fucks up (which is like. constantly) and always takes his side when they inevitably make up after a huge fight#it feels like i'll never be able to make her happy. it feels like i should stop trying. if she wants to be full of hatred#and have a shitty husband then fine. i cant fix her like and i cant hold the weight of her mistakes#*life
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Tbh I should probably take a break. I almost definitely won't but I should, yknow
#idk i don't have much 'real stuff' happening irl besides like. job hunting and college applications. so it's hard#but i think if i at least ease off some time on here n read a little more n watch more movies i might start to feel better#haven't really liked where my head's been at lately it feels like whatever persona is The One Who Blogs is 'taking over' more#to put it in a very dorky comic book-sounding ass way LMAO but that's how i feel! like i'm losing my own 'voice' yknow#my mental health is Bad my physical health is also Not Great n i kinda feel like ass. if i'm being honest#idk i feel like i'm crashing from whatever high i've been on for the past couple of days n i'm not Really super happy w myself#except the media literacy posts those were good. but like the more discoursey stuff i'm not proud of#again sorry to like. publicly vent LMAO i'll be fine i'm good. i'm trying really hard to pull myself out of this#but again. sorry abt the Shite i was posting earlier today i wasn't really in my own right head#just kinda wanted 2 get all that off my chest idk if it's clear that i don't really have anyone i feel like i can talk to right this moment#i'm very socially isolated irl and i'm so scared of becoming socially isolated online too just bc i'm an idiot who doesn't think b4 he post#NOT to make it sound all about me or whatever but it's true. i'm very very scared of losing people n right now this is My Space#i'd forgotten just how bad it felt. in this Specific case it is kinda my fault tho LMAO don't worry i've apologized as best i know how#okay i'm done. i'm done. i'm gonna go watch tv and go to bed i hope#open mick night
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do you want me to fucking go off on you? do you truly fucking want that mother?
#“oh you and your sister never listen to me and blah blah blah” we fucking do (or at the very least i do)#“you guys never help out” does me doing the litter and taking out the trash and on occasion hand washing the dishes mean#fucking nothing to you? does me sweeping the floor every once in a while because you chose to keep us in an area that is ALL SAND/DIRT ROAD#for whatever stupid ass reason also meaningless? does me doing my damn best to help out mean fucking nothing?#do you want me to kill my self. do you want to lose your eldest child to something YOU could have fucking prevented all because you can’t#stop being a bitch to him all the time? do you really fucking want that mom? because at this rate i am once again on the road to fucking#attempting it. i’m so god damn sick of how you treat me. the only time i can do anything i want is at night. i stay up super late playing#games with my friends because its the only time in the day when you aren’t bitching and whining for me to do something you don’t want to do#for the past several days i’ve been up until five in the damn morning just to do something that makes me happy.#you misgender me. you deadname me. you refuse to accept any aspect of my identity. you don’t treat me like a god damn person.#i have so many different ways i can consider attempting if i truly wanted to. the only thing keeping me alive is my friends. because they a#least show that they fucking care and actively want to do things with me. like group drawing or playing video games.#YOU on the other hand; mother; yell and get mad at me over the stupidest shit and never fucking apologize.#i cannot recall a singular time you’ve apologized for being a complete bitch to me over something so fucking unimportant.#and yet i’m expected to be completely fucking fine and happy all because you provide me with the bare fucking minimum.#”i clothe and feed and provide a place for you to live” THAT IS THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM. sure you could argue over the fact i’m 18 and#should be out working somewhere. but you give me so few opportunities for going places and even considering getting a job or finally gettin#my driver’s license. plus i would rather fucking die than work any food service or customer service job. because i’d be going somewhere#where i’d mostly get talked down to or yelled and then come home and have the same shit done after working for hours and getting minimal#pay. i’d rather work on my own fucking terms with commissions than go into any job where i have to interact with others in public for any#reason. where i’d be treated just the same as at home. like someone who isn’t a person and doesn’t deserve anyone to be nice to them.#i constantly so desperately wish that maybe one day soon i’d find someone to be with romantically and that i could maybe live with them and#get out of this hell hole that i’m supposed to call home. to go somewhere and have my efforts appreciated. to go somewhere where i’d#actually fucking be loved. i shouldn’t have to wish so god damn hard for a better life all because my mother can’t fucking treat me like a#person with hopes and dreams and thoughts and feelings.#i’m ending this rant here before i get too angry and upset. see you all in maybe an hour.#suicide mention#ask to tag
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convention money is crazy. i wish i could make that kind of cash just from taking pics with people and signing my name on shit. lord what misha and jensen made in two days would feed and house me for a decade easy. madness. i bet they got free food all weekend too. fuck my entire life aint worth $250k. i could literally sell everything i own, a kidney and my ass to a dozen dudes and still be 90% short of what misha and jensen made this past weekend.
you and me nonny, you and me 😔
personally im good. i dont need their money. i'll wear my wool sweater and wool socks and keep warm etc etc but it just feels so unrealistic sometimes. like they really do be living such a completely different life than most of their fans. thinking about con prices and such really is crazy. im not gonna come on here and say they should do this and this with their money but i do hope they do feel some resposibility to do something useful with it
#the thing is. im fine. im good. my uni is covered like 99% by the state. i have my student loan which im saving for something else. and i#live with my family during normal uni days (not rn tho). and i get that theyre in like a completely different period in their lives. they#have worked like 30+ years and i know misha comes from a poor family and i do know he often donates to charity which is nice#but like every time i actually sit down and think about the numbers. jeez. like. one picture. i payed 120 euros for ONE picture with misha.#and i get that i dont have it bad. i went to a con. im going to a con. but like. i do that and have to not do something else. yk? i have to#choose. imagine never having to think things through without buying (omg re rob and the watch or whatever)#anyways. idk. feels weird. the world is unfair (i hate saying that). and i doubt they (jenmish) will get cheaper and i doubt cons will stop#so yeah. i suppose it kinda is a it is what it is situation#stuff like this is always so weird. we mock my dad for going on business trips and stuff. but for him thats tiring. so like i get its their#job to do cons and thats tiring. but for me. (us?) an outsider. it sure looks like a really easy job. idk. im just ranting and throwing#thoughts out there. hi! if you bothered reading this far down <3#funny that my feet are freezing rn. the amount of wool clothes im wearing you guys. crazy. gonna take a hot shower later to warm up
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