#thats not a mania thing theyre actually like that most of the time

[girldraki]

trying to be faintly depressed about the admittedly unhealthy way i conceptualize interpersonal relationships but mink has the mania ball which uniquely has not thus far given them a personalized Theme and instead has amplified their previous personality, which is sucking bad having more self esteem than anyone in the room and being extremely obnoxious about it

[parttimesiffrinfulltimeproblem]

ask game: 3, 5, 25, 26, 28, 35, 46, 47, and 50: what fictional character do you hate for the stupidest/most trivial reason?

you are not only allowed but in fact encouraged to go on an impassioned rant about 50 hehe <333

(also those asks are a supremely unsatisfying sequence of numbers)

3: what was the last song you listened to-- bishop's knife trick!! mania really didnt deserve the hate. bloody good album.

5: do you sleep with a stuffed animal-- I do not but my bed is always flooded with an inordinate number of pillows. I currently have two duvets on there as well,,,,, I need my bed to be COVERED. however the massive among us plush was incredibly comfy to sleep on but thats downstairs currently. lurking.

25: what's your favourite decade-- god. hm. im not entirely sure. the 2010s maybe.... theyre so nostalgic to me...

26: what are some seemingly childish things you like-- POKEMON. I have so many opinions about it,,,, Pokemon omega ruby solos. first game I played/only game I completed and the delta episode was one of the best features added. I still think they should have included an option to replay it though......

28: how are you, really-- I'm not great. havent been for some time. kind of on the verge of tears overwhelmed just by organising some papers. kind of living on the edge of losing it at any moment. but anyway you know. anyway

35: do you currently have a squish-- nah actually whats a qpr. I could never/j you know damn well the answer to this :3 yeah I have a massive crush on this guy called uhhhhhhh rowan or uhhhh parsley idk if you know him (I love you <3)

46: what do you need when youre sad-- I dont really know usually. I always want to just talk about it but idk? probably a hug. yeah

47: have you memorised your phone number-- yes actually! I have three numbers memorised (other than like regular specific ones) and theyre mine+both my parents'. I have the majority of that one 'they changed the emergency phone number' bit from the it crowd memorised but not entirely

50 (wild card): rant about a fictional character you hate for even a trivial reason: i. am terribly sorry I cant think of anyone except Elijah volkov ill.try reblog this later with some ideas

[actualbird]

Now that you've gone over how you think all the boys would be as cats (because thats the most important thing here) will you PLEASE go back through how they became cats, the ensuing panic/mania, and the plot point of mc now having 4 cats in her apartment and having to figure out how to un-cat-ify them all (and take care of them in the meantime) I am begging you... not all at once tho I have a feeling that it's gonna be way too long

OKAY SO how the NXX Cat-ification Bonanza happens is because of

it's just a

it's a normal thing yknow

an au where turning into a cat is normal

this au exists, it's a thing, trust me, look theres even an ao3 tag for it

according to the er, progenitor of this au, this au is basically the canon universe but "every human on earth turns into a cat for a month at a random point in their lives and it's just an accepted thing." cool awesome this is exactly what i need

moving on

so with this au in mind the ensuing panic is a little bit subdued it's less of "holy shit we're cats" and more of "uuugh it's Cat Time, i guess," and the thing that causes actual panic is that. all the nxx boys, for some frigging reason, get hit with Cat Time on like

the same frigging day

the nxx investigation team, all of them, are pulling an all nighter for one of their cases and mc is like "guys, im gonna take a nap for an hour" and the boys are like yes go rest pls and so she does she takes a nap and when she wakes up and goes back to the meeting room

theyre all cats. it's Cat Time. for all of them. all at once.

what are the fucking chances.

mc takes them all home because she knows luke and artem and vyn live alone and have nobody to help them out during Cat Time and marius (who lives in a mansion with many people who can help him) is like WAIT NO IF THEYRE GOING WITH U I WANNA GO TOO DONT LEAVE ME AAAAAAAAA just frigging cat-erwauling until mc is like oh my god okay fiiiiiiine

so now she has 4 cats in her apartment!!! and in this au the boys retain their human minds so theyre like, behaved and stuff. the only thing is that some instincts are Heightened, like emotions and senses but most especially the desire for physical touch, which is why my original post on this au is Like That.

with this convenient au in place bc itll be over naturally, mc doesnt have to figure anything out anymore, she just kind of has to deal with 4 cats that are actually 4 men in love with her.

each of them, in their own way, makes her blood pressure rise.

vyn and marius are constantly battling for her attention and end up in (started by marius, mostly) catfights that she has to break up. vyn pretends it never happened when it's over and marius is just constantly trying to knock things off tables at the exact moment vyn is under them so that he can get knocked in the head.

artem is the world's sulkiest cat and he worries mc a lot, like shes pretty sure that artem doesnt know that, in this form, every time he has a Feeling, he starts warbling. artem cant repress in this form. it's painful for everybody involved.

and once luke gets over the fact that he, for now, wants to eat his own pet bird, he acts more like a DOG than a cat kajsbfkajskfa. awake at 5:30am on the dot swishing his tail back and forth waiting for mc to wake up because aHA HES GONNA BE FIRST TO GREET HER WITH A MEOW!! BEAT THAT, EVERYBODY!!!

it's a very long month for mc KJBKJSDGD

[petewentzisblack1312]

-Headfirst Slide into Cooperstown

-Last of The Real Ones

-The Pros and Cons of Breathing

heres the analysis i did of headfirst slide!

the last of the real ones is a song i actually did a lyrical autopsy on when it came out haha. its grown on me since then, but i think it relies just a little too heavily on repitition. still, its a really interesting song about obsession. i love the line "i wonder if youre therapist knows everything about me" because saying "my therapist knows all about you" is supposed to be an insult, but this sorta puts it on its head? like, do you think about me as much as i think about you? but also, do you hate me without me knowing? its really fascinating how this song portrays obsession as a thing distinct from romance. it talks a lot about being considering the muse as the only person in the universe, specifically (you are the sun and i am the planets spinning around you). "im a collapsing star with tunnel vision/but only for you" also harkens back to this, the persona is falling apart, but their muse is the one person for them. i also think its notable how theres a lot of moments where its outright stated that what they have is not special and not healthy for the persona like in the line "you were too good to be true, gold plated/but whats inside you?" pointing out that something about them is a facade, "im here in search of your glory/theres been a million before me/that ultra kind of love/you never walk away from" also points to a level of codependence and specifically to this not being unique, and the line "my head is stripped, just like a screw thats been tightened too many times/when i think of you" also points to obsession to the point of destruction. this song is a very good example of how many of the love songs on MANIA can be interpreted as also being about mania, and specifically the unhealthy relationship some people have with chasing theie manic episodes in order to be productive. i think this is most evident in the bridge, specifically the line "im done with having dreams/the thing that i believe/you drain all the fear from me" as a lack of inhibition and a feeling of invincibility are both symptoms of mania.

the pros and cons of breathing is very straightforward but it hits like a truck in so many different ways. its very much a song about emotional neglect and feeling angry and ignored by someone you care about, knowing theyre bad for you but still being obsessed with them despite how much they very obviously hate you, with lyrics like "if i could move im sure it would only be to crawl back to you/i must have dragged my guts a block, they were gone by the time we talked" as in no matter the abuse he takes hes still coming back the muse, and he went to give then a piece of his mind until they finally spoke, and he lost his nerve, or said all the things he planned to keep to himself. i really like the chorus (i want to hate you half as much as i hate myself/and know that i could crush you with my voice) because it very much captures the insecurity of emotional abuse, at least in my opinion. youre left with all this self hatred and you want to hate the person who put it there, but you cant. its also captured in the line "i wish that i was as invisible as you make me feel" theres also lines like "stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me/hide the details i dont want to know a thing" which like. as someone whos been emotionally abused, there really is this period where youre obsessed with seeing if they even care about the fact that you finally walked, and they almost never do. its just... pain. the same pain, the same hurt, the same desperation, echoed again and again and again in so many different ways throughout the song.

-

consider buying me a ko-fi?

[jevilspamton]

I find it funny how people think Mario could measure up to Sonic in any way but gameplay really. I mean even in the beginning just looking at the enemies. Mario dies from touching touching turtles and walking mushrooms while Sonic fights robots that shoot spikes and lasers at him. Not to mention Sonic actually has a personality. I'm just so sick of "Mario is the epitome of gaming, Sonic is a blemish on the industry" kind of bullshit.

ASFBFHGFXHJDF GOD!!!! GOD I KNOW. THANK YOU also mario has basically been the same old theme in most “main” games that arent fuckin tennis and shit /s save the princess. save the thing. oh now LUIGI gets to save MARIO? what a turn of events the only reason mario has the upperhand with franchise wars is because they have higher budgets for better looking games and mechanics. sega tries SO, SO hard to squeeze things out that are creative, good, and still meeting their proper budget. do you know the fucking masterpieces sega could make if they had the same budgets nintendo does?!?!?!?! like holy shit!!!! sega has flaws. anything can have flaws. but they try more than nintendo does, and their games are frankly more entertaining and dont typically drag like nintendo’s games do. sega has so so so so So much potential but unfortunately because of so many picky fans theyre so afraid of stepping out of normal boundaries. like with 06 and unleashed. those games specifically got lots of whiplash and it took about a decade for people to look back and think “you know what? maybe these games are actually good” and now its too late for that opinion to be relevant. they couldve used that sort of feedback and approval in the 2000′s. but they were afraid of more whiplash because they didnt get it. fans all rushed and begged for certain things then immediately got shit from fans for PROVIDING it. they give and give and give and they get more biased, harsh criticism than the deserving positivity sega should get! nintendo is incredibly flawed and boring overall but at yet its always HeHe Sonic Bad. even if sonics had a few embarrassing imprints on his franchise’s history at times, itd be damnable if it didnt keep him from being forgotten. creators were bold. they cared. they wanted to do shit for people. but the second one thing is out of line its targetted so harshly and so overreactively everyone else has to run behind and follow suit also. come on. you ask any friend(that has basic knowledge abt mario/nintendo) about all the mario games they know and theyll say something along the lines of “smash, mariokart, luigis mansion, tennis shit,” etc. and thats it usually you ask someone about all the sonic games they know(some1 that has basic knowledge abt sega/sonic) and theyll be progressively naming out adventure games, unleashed, forces, mania, colors, shth, generations, team sonic racing, etc. theyre RECOGNIZABLE titles, with recognizable styles, plot, mechanics, and theyre all just so good!!!!! also. i havent met a single person that said they WERENT buying the mario & sonic olympic games for the sonic part of it ASDJGNBCXNJHFDHJFH tldlr stop being so picky with sonic games and be happy with the parts you got! sonic team is trying so hard dammit and its grown to be a thankless job at this pace >:(

[soundscapesystem]

during my psych intake the doctor asked if i have nighmares (to rediagnose ptsd ya know cuz im in a New Place gotta get all new diagnoses ((((:) and instead of saying "yes" or "no" like a normal person i told him about a very detailed dream that felt it lasted a month and made me dissociate for a full day after and he was like "okay...well...the bipolar diagnosis is staying..."

apparently that whole session was him initially thinking i had bpd then my steadily more chaotically manic actions further proved i was genuinely bipolar over the course of an hour

i dont think hes going to rediagnose my DID but im really not that bothered by it, just mentioning it and he turned his nose up, he looked a little more convinced when i mentioned amnesia but we didnt dwell on that one long and he didnt mention it again, but i should only be at this clinic for like two or three months tops and when i get into therapy i mostly just need to talk about like Current Things not necessarily Deep Trauma or anything like that and system-wise were functioning pretty well

a looot of the system is dormant, its most just me (dave) and logan fronting these days, kai has been coconscious more often too which is frankly extremely comforting ngl, alex and lizzy are talkative near front without actually coming out just chatting and commenting which is also comforting, it feels like our system is going back into its normal stasis just with me as host which im still trying to get used to

a lot of our friends will still refer to us as logan and say things like "oh tell dave-" or "remember when dave-" and im like. thats me! im here! dont talk abt me in third person im literally right here like 75-90% of the time its ME!!! but i know theyre just all used to logan being host from before the mess with Batti and me and logan are extremely similiar esspecially online its basically impossible to tell us apart and its pretty rare we front totally solo without the other hanging around anyway so like

idk its just different and hard. theres so many decisions up to me and so much responsibility like i get why Kai has bought like fifteen planners and calendera and notebooks cuz i bought a daily schedule thenother day and was like. wow. my virgo is showing. but no its just like that when life is fucking like this

i think things should get better here soon tho. just two more days til i can get back on my meds and hopefully that settles my mania and gets my sleep back to normal. i hope shellys constant picking doesnt get much worse than it is. i hope we can get moved back home to our old job and live life normally again. i hope this relationship works out.

i just hope im doing whats best for us all. i hope im making the right choices,,,

[gho2ty]

hc boredom or coping with boredom

hes!! so bad with boredom!! he just sits there and complains most of the time, or like.. stares off at a wall for way too long because he feels like ‘what else can i be doing’ 

thats when hes being dumb though; when hes actually thinking he usually boots up a videogame of his or opens up some half-finished code he has and sees if that scratches the itch of boredom. sometimes he even goes out for flights above the woods, its a good stress and boredom reliever. 

he has a lot of things to keep him busy in all honesty, including a whole selection of fidget toys, movies/shows hes never watched but has been meaning to forever, various projects he starts during mania but never finishes, and honestly even chores around the hive.. the place is big and it attracts so much dust, theres also beehive maintenance so the place doesnt get flooded with mindhoney, im starting to ramble too long but tl;dr he has a LOT he can do, and theyre just the various things he does put himself to whenever hes not actively posting. 

he still acts like a pouty child when he realizes hes bored though, and it takes a little bit to get him up on his feet and doing one of the many things possible to do. a lot of the stuff ‘doesnt sound good/fun/entertaining enough’ so of course it takes some nudging either from his own conscious and logic, or from his moirail. 

[vintagebandpics]

Hi people haven’t posted on this blog since sometime in 2017 probably. This is mostly due to my own laziness and growing out of having my life revolve around the people on this blog but I finally got logged on with my desktop so I feel like I can make a proper post! so in celebration I’m just gonna go ahead and make an update on all the regulars on this blog and see what they’re doing (spoiler: not much)

Brendon! at the Disco

2018 has probably been the most successful year that Panic! at the Disco has seen. Panic!, of course, being mostly Brendon. This year they lost two members, Dallon and Kenneth, Dallon leaving to focus on his new band, IDK and Kenneth for….. other reasons. (Trigger warning on that link.) On the lighter side of things, they released the album Pray For the Wicked, which debuted at #1 on the Billboards 200 albums charts. proud of them honestly....

Brendon has also gone on to regularly do twitch streams of him playing Fortnite, appeared as a guest judge on The Voice, and polluting Snapchat with ads of him speaking up about his friends at State Farm. At least he’s making money. Getting bread. Or whatever.

Pete Wentz (and crew)

In January of this year, Fall Out Boy released Mania which also debuted at number 1, their fourth record to do so. It was also nominated for a grammy (though they lost to Greta Van Fleet, a band almost universally regarded as god-awful). they haven’t done much this year aside from announcing a few festival shows, and have been featured on a posthumously released track from Lil Peep. pete himself has been (suspiciously) quiet, but has been posting tweets about butterflies recently. I dont know what that means. are fall out boy soon going full mariah? one can only hope

Paramore

my forever favorite person in the world, aka Hayley Williams has been taking an extended social media break for her mental health, or something, only occasionally appearing to promote her hair dye brand Good Dye Young, which recently began selling in some Sally’s Beauty stores and even Sephora. she also recently appeared on stage with Kacey Musgraves to sing Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. it was so good. i miss her a lot but its fine. taylor is still silent as ever. he literally has two tweets on his account. zac stays promoting his solo side project HALFNOISE (which is actually pretty great.) paramore as a unit hasnt done anything in months. i kinda feel like they wont release another record WHICH I HOPE ISNT TRUE but after all the shit that went down during the production of after laughter...... whom knows.

William Beckett

will was accused of abuse by his wife and he said she was the one to abuse him. kinda went silent everywhere ever since, and no one really knows what happened. rip

Gabe Saporta and Squad 

after the end of Cobra in 2015, gabe went on to co-found his own company with mike carden managing artists. billboard recently did a really great and eye opening profile on him. he has went on record to say a cobra reunion is the last thing on his mind. vicky t has a solo career and recently released a music video. ill let you draw your own opinion on it.

Ryan Ross

back on his bullshit. he did recently have a song with z-berg and in the video he had THE WORST insta e-boy type earring. and so many rings. hes the worst type of LA boy. he hasnt done anything since but did tell alt press that he was planning on writing and recording music in 2019. (i dont really want to link alt press. just take my word for it.) anyway, we’ll see if thats true. we’ve been lied to before.

My Chemical Romance

dead. will stay dead. stop making up rumors about their comeback. stop sending them to me. theyre dead and ITS FINE!!!!!! anyway. gerard most recently has had mad success when netflix adapted his comic series the umbrella academy. frank has a new record coming out in may. ray is a Dad. mikey is about to have another baby. i didnt have the energy to look into their 300 previous drummers for their updates. im sorry. 

that concludes our journey. it unfortunately wasn’t that interesting, but thats why we stay focused on pre-2010 bandom. thanks for continuing to love this blog even as it sits unupdated for literally years at a time. i dont know what im going to do with it but im glad yall continue to love it ❣️

[jen-iii]

Being the biggest garnet fan I've ever met here... Are you satisfied about how her character has been shown in recent seasons? (Don't get me wrong, I love ruby and sapphire and I always will but I feel the personality of garnet is disappearing and it is nothing compared to what she was in the first season And now she only dedicates talk about "fusion this" "fusion that" Is something sad for me because she was my favorite characters and was one of the reasons I endure hiatus after hiatus :(

This got long as shit because I ADORE Garnet of course and have actually a lot to talk about in regards to this!

In my own personal opinion, I believe her first season self was a bit... one dimensional and here’s why

In season one, Garnet was shown as the stoic, fearless leader of the crystal gems. She was quiet and blunt and strong. She never really...connected with the others too much like, we KNEW that Pearl and Amethyst had personality differences and such and that Ame and Steven were fun buddies and that Pearl was like a doting mother but with Garnet there was always this sense of disconnect to me. Like it got to the point where I always expected that she would like, barely say anything cept a witty one liner at times and be hella protective. That’s it. one certain episodes we go little HINTS to a much bigger personality like with future vision and arcade mania and etc etc, but they were always very small and we didnt have any real info to connect the bits till like jailbreak

But then comes Jailbreak and we get ALL this information on who Garnet IS and what she represents and it really makes you think. Like, we KNEW that Garnet became the defacto leader after Rose’s death and that has a whole slew of emotions and character meta right there but we didnt KNOW that she was a fusion. That she was made up of literal LOVE. That she had to go through so. MUCH because she was a ‘perma-fusion’ made up of two DIFFERENT gems. That she had to find her own identity from it. and we then get to see Garnet sort of blossom forth. shes far more open with the others, more open with Steven and her flaws and more open to sharing about herself and you see that shes been HOLDING BACK all of this. The character we THOUGHT Garnet was wasnt complete. yeah sure, shes still the fearless leader of the crystal gems, calm cool and collected. But she’s also made of LOVE, she is so gentle and supportive of all things about love and fusion because its so, SO important to her.

(As for Ruby and Sapphire showing up more and more, I think it’s to flesh them out a bit more like. we got Garnet FARRR more then them and they are (literal) key components to Garnet herself. it gives us a sense of who THEY are and how they act around eachother and who their characters are outside of being Garnet but ALSO showing us little nuances into Garnet’s own personality. We think were seeing them a lot but in reality its just more OFTEN, not a lot. trust me. I am DYING for more episodes ghfnvfjm)

Fusion is a major, MAJOR part of Garnet’s character and identity. and Garnet is a HUGE symbol for healthy gay relationships. and it’s been in my own personal experience that when I was hiding that I was gay, I never gave forth my ‘real’ personality. it was like I was two similar but different people whenever i was alone by myself and out and about with people. but, when I got the chance to come out, and the knowledge that I had support and people who cared, by god did I change I felt so much more comfortable with myself and who I was and jesus did I talk about being gay a lot. it was something I had to hold back and now that I can let it out, I tended to talk about it A LOT. 

so in this sense, I kinda always associated Garnet talking more and more about fusions and the like as to FINALLY being able to and its just spilling out because she so happy to talk and educate others on the subject.

and, from an aspiring animators standpoint, I can TOTALLY see why there showing more things about fusion and having Garnet, the resident fusion who knows about HEALTHY fusing, talk about it rather then someone else. Fusion is a MAJOR part of the show. Fusion represent the RELATIONSHIPS between the two components fusing whether it be platonic, romantic, etc etc. The core of steven universe is LOVE. the LOVE between family and friends and lovers and in this story, LOVE can have a PHYSICAL FORM. and nothing can beat love. as such, theyre going to try and explain it and develop the concept a LOT. and they want to make sure we know what’s the BEST way to think about fusion. and who better then to educate us then a fusion made out of LOVE? 

Basically, I see Garnet as having HEAVY and MAJOR character development. Especially in regards of how she interacts with the others now that a huge and major secret of her has been revealed. and that she seems a bit pushed to the side because she’s already had her HUGE character development arc and they’re moving on to other characters rn in tandem so it SEEMS like were seeing her less but thats because were seeing one character who wasnt around as much suddenly be a bit more spotlight centered. And she’s honestly the best person to talk about fusions (by far the most stable fusion weve seen and possibly like, EVER)especially since I think that were gonna see fusions  take a larger role in SU. Think of her talking more about fusions like Steven using his dream walking ability more and more in the show. it’s leading up to SOMETHING.

[poeplepound]

!!! i !!!! love these guys so much!! theyre so spectacular omfg !

also i tried to do this once already ! and i was very far into a very long info dump about these guys and i was ALmost done ,,, and my browser crashed, but im doing it again anyway because i need it (i might make typos and sound like a bum jus btw)

sean bonnette and benjamin gallaty started releasing musci together in 2005 after having worked together in a coffeeshop in pheonix arizona - sean was 18, and the buds released their debut album “candy cigarettes and cap guns” and have since released four other full albums, a handful of singles, two eps, and a compilation

sean has a bachelors degree in social work, and has always been working in homeless shelters, volunteering with youth programs, and trying to give a voice to one of the largest groups of stigmatized humans on our planet

candy cigarettes and cap guns was released when sean (30 y/o) was only 18 - and he has since recieved lots of negative feedback on offensive content in ajj’s older songs - to this, sean apologizes but says , quite frankly , that he was a yung edgy boi at that time in his life, and even if his music was offensive then , it represents a time in his life and hes not going to let its content discount that relevance

this is similar to how ajj changed their name from “Andrew jackson jihad”, sean and ben publicly decided to stop using the old band name because they aren’t muslim and have to right to use the term jihad as a part of an aesthetic - neither of the guys expected ajj to get so big, and andrew jackson jihad was adequate for a yung edgy boi garage band

ajjs vast discography centers around themes of social anxiety, privilege, depression, mania, loving how horrible life is, making the most of nothing, being nothing, and how wonderful our shitty planet is

ajj is considered folk-punk, and to a certain degree i agree with that, but to me music genres are irrelevant, and often times musicians fail to fit a category

the idea of organizing music by genres is restricting to a musician and songs and music grow as people do.  in an interview with verbicide, sean said that he acknowledges ajj’s influence on “folk punk” but how the identification of what folk-punk actually is is very vague and unclear, what really Is folk-punk?

ajj has albums that are way more based in folk music, and some that are way more based in punk - some songs are very poppy, some kind of choral in nature - but somehow, ajj has a very cohesive, recognizable sound that never fails to impress and comfort me

this is in part to sean’s wonderful lyrics, they are so very very raw and uncut - he is incredibly relatable while staying poetic, and i admire that So Much.  his use of metaphor in his lyrics has alwasy been apparent, but even more so in his more recent albums, and his political commentary songs are more prevalent in older songs - but they stay SO RE l AT a b LE !! every time i listen to ajj, i feel so whole and accepted and like im listening to my deepest internal thoughts and feelings in the form of beautiful lyrics and entrancing music

when asked if sean’s lyrics are a reflection of a darkness inside of him, he usualyl replies by saying that hes no darker than anyone else is - he just has a way to express and expel that darkness.  after the release of knife man, sean was asked if his emotional songs were about his past and what he’s been through as a person, and hes replied by saying that a lot of what he sings about is stuff that hes seen through his job, and learned about through people he’s met and interacted with.

shortly before christmas island was recorded, sean’s grandfather passed away.  his grandpa had lived with him from the time he was 13 tot he time he was 18, and he was a very major male role model in his life.  christmas island has lots of imagery around death, and a lot of the songs on the album personify grief and death.  sean has said that christmas island is an album about “pre-grief” meaning the way that people feel bad about death and grieve loses before theyve even happen, just beause they know theyre coming.  sean’s grandfather’s death was not unexpected or sudden, and he died very happily - surrounded by all of his grandchildren, and the feeling of knowing someone you love will die shortly is what fueled a lot of the tone of christmas island.

sean is a big big fan of 90′s hip hop, and a lot of his lyrics and writing style is heavily influenced by his favorites - aesop rock, brother lynch hung, biggie, and ol dirty bastard (seriously sean is SO Iconic)

i’ve been listening to ajj since their release of “knife man” in 2011, i could never pick a favorite album of theirs  - i love each of them and theyre each incredibly important to me

their 2007 album “people who can eat people are the luckiest people in the world” gave me a completely new worldview , and showed me that the world is incredibly imperfect, and humans are incredibly imperfect, but life is so worth living, and there is still so much good amazing stuff in the world

in 2008 they released the ep “plant your roots” and in 2009 “cant maintain” - both of theses eps were the first time i had found relatable emotional music that felt so accurate to myself - it was raw, it was unapologetic, it was beautiful, and it was sad.  these eps have an incredible tone, and theyre both so different (cant maintain being more light and - dare i say - playful) but still so connected and deeply rooted (pun intended ;) ) in my head as near perfect expressions of my feelings

“knife man” was released in 2011 and it came into my life at a time where i was trying to learn about myself and discover who i was, and this album guided me in such a strong positive direction - it introduced me to white privilege, taught me about forgiveness, how to be unapologetically me, but still let me stay in touch with my dark, cynical, pessimistic side of myself - knife man is somehow so negative but still so positive and i think thats how a lot of real life is, and ajj captures that incredibly well 

knife man was the first ajj show i ever saw, and i will never forget how captivating sean is when he preforms, his body language and his expressions reflect so much of what he’s singing, theyre so true

in 2014 they released “christmas island” and im not gonna lie when i first heard it i really didnt like it - i thought it was too poppy, and not raw enough like how ajj usually is - it felt wrong to me.  but alas, i kept listening, and i soon fell in love with this album.  it is indeed poppier than their other stuff, and when it came out in may of that year, i didnt really want to like it that much - and so i avoided it, and once Taylor Swift’s super poppy 1989 came out that october, i avoided it Even Harder because i felt like 2014 would be the year of great musicians selling out to labels to gain hits.  eventually, i let myself sink into christmas island - i allowed myself to like it, and boy o boy did i fall in love. i saw the show and i cried. the album seamlessly ties together themes from older albums - optimism, death, unrest, self-loathing - but it introduces a new style to seans words - theyre less direct, less blunt, less in-your-face , he starts using metaphors that dont make sense the first time you listen, his lyrics take on a new type of poetry on this album - and its beautiful

christmas island is softer, its more about introspection and knowing why youre the way you are - its about emotional intelligence - this album taught me how to know whats happening, and how to accept it and learn form it and let myself dream and live, despite how shitty stuff is, and i love it.

in 2016 “the bible 2″ was released, and i waited to listen to any of it until i went to see the show - i binged the album twice through right before i went to see them, and i had really really mixed feelings about it - some of the songs i didnt understand, i didnt like the sound of some of them, and i felt like they got very preachy.  once i saw them play the song “small red boy” though, i was 110% hooked - it suddenly made sense to me as an album.  the sound is so personal to me, and i connect with the radio static and the messy raw noise, and the lyrics take on such a poetic, innocent tone, and all the songs are equal parts inspiring, funny, and dark.  i really really really truly love this album.

this is kind of just a silly extra, but in 2015 they released a single called “keep on chooglin” and i honeslty dont understand what most of the song means, but its really a bop and its poppy and upbeat and positive, and i can gather that basically to “choogle” is to be yourself unapologetically and just do your own thing and basically fucc the haters, and its a nice song to listen to if youre feeling down because the lyrics are funny and the message is bright

ajj’s discography has gotten me through some of the hardest years of my life, and have seriously, literally, kept me from killing myself on so many occasions and i am forever grateful - if i had not stayed alive until now, i would miss so much and i would throw away my life, just because i didnt feel like making it, and now i can say in full confidence that this band has ridded me of all my suicidal ideation , and if anyone is down here reading this, im gonna make an ajj “dont die” playlist that i Will post here

in 2012, ben gallaty recorded a couple songs under the name wiccan babysitter, adn then a few years later (2016) he recorded a few more under the name benjamin galaxy - he compiled these songs in 2016 onto an lp, one side being the wiccan babysitter ep and the other being the ben galaxy ep.  i didnt know this was a thing until recently? which is weird? but i have listened through the lp many times - i still dont have a strong grip on what the songs mean, but i can say that the wiccan babysitter/benjamin galaxy lp is super comforting to me as well.  the sound is unique and different from ajj, but it is still warm and whole feeling, and the lyrics are still relatable to me, and i want to read more about what ben wrote about and why, but im having trouble finding info on this project

im mostly done for now, it’s very late at night, and i have work tomorrow morning, but i’ll leave u with this - youre an irreplaceable human soul with your own understanding of what it means to suffer, and thats a huge bummer

[in-paradox-space]

so my boyfriend just dumped me.

I wrote a massive stream of thoughts down below.

im not going to spell/grammar check it and i only write these things to look back on in the future. 

if you read it, it will be hard to follow

i write them in a way i know i will understand, because theyre intended for me. 

so a lot of context isn’t written down, because I expect myself to already put that context into the right place.

ultimately these are a collection of thoughts many many many other people think, and youre not reading anything new anyway.

In the long term this is a good thing but I’m still in shock.

One of the last things he said was ‘I think you’re mistaking being woke for being retarded’.

I had to look at it and think objectively. What if I am retarded?

Am I just retarded? I asked deep within and it’s like my body was rejecting any possibility of it being true with denile.

I know now the truth is I’m just not on the same plain as these people. It’s foolish for me to try to connect with them on that level with those questions. Whether I am or I’m not retarded, I’m in a completely different world from them and it’s just not comparable. 

Still, I had to ask. Am I retarded? Whenever I looked deep enough to find an answer, a part of me just threw back denial at any possibility of it being true.

I never claimed to be woke or all-knowing but I didn’t say that because that starts a typical pattern of discussion.

I do care what he and many people think and it’s just damaging to pretend I don’t, but if I gave in to that and tried to correct him it would just build on how much I care. Trying to acknowledge it and let it pass.

I don’t blame him at all. This sounds like self-pity but I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’m still shook but I think I’ll be alright once I’m done processing it and acknowledging it all.

Again, I don’t blame him. I’m surprised it hasn’t come to this already

I guess this is the time something good came from being a dick.

I’m wondering if I get to say this is the meds. I get hella mood swings from my medication. Like super fast switches

I’m honestly a different person, entirely different personality, on this medication. My mood literally switches every couple of minutes, sometimes quicker. I would switch between mania and extreme irritability less than a minute apart from each other after starting the medicine.

I do believe that made me act like a dick to him and many people I know.

Am I allowed to say it’s not entirely my fault because of that though. Many others, including the old me would say I can’t. I’m still to blame. Any loss of control over self is just the result of me not manifesting the willpower to make a change within myself. 

I do try to make this clear to anyone reading

but these are thoughts from deep down within

where things aren’t expressed with words, but just the understand of myself I only truly share with myself.

If you think you understand what I’m saying, you most likely don’t. Even if you think I’m wrong on that.

It’s the bane of my existence. Truly.

The feeling of not being understood while others say they understand. 

If I say nobody understands me, or you don’t understand I become a cliche

and also people can respond with ‘I know I don’t understand, thats why im asking’.

when i try to help people understand my world, it leads to them understand less and less and less

while asking more and more and more

and I’ve seen it happen a thousand times... to me. 

I know the pattern, exactly how it starts. When I notice that, I try to explain to them that I know how it starts. They’re just not going to understand the answers to the questions they ask, it’s an endless cycle. 

They believe they’re different for some reason though, that they will be able to understand. Or that’s what it is on the surface. Really, I know they aren’t real and that they’re being controlled in a way to just enact conversations in a precise enough way to get to me. 

I’m speaking in material world  terms though.

They sometimes get offended when I insist they don’t understand.

when we eventually end up screaming at each other, because I gave into their persistence

and it plays out exactly how I knew it would

they say I don’t understand

then I point it out, they won’t understand. I’ve had this conversation many times before and you just won’t. 

but they still persist and it just goes on 

I forgotten how I started talking about all of this.

but yeah my boyfriend dumped me.

this is what I actually wanted but right now I’m still shocked. which is what happens.

I was a dick to him, and many other people. I’m surprised he stayed around  that long. since february. half a year.

I’ve gotten fat since then. I’ve become very ugly. I’ve been very mean, very ignorant and just yeah not a nice partner. 

also we never kissed lmao

never felt i could authentically go into kiss him

he did try once when we was at the door, but i turned my head and pretended to be looking at something. I pretended i didnt know.

honestly I prefer girls.  i wont go into why, its just really my personal whatever you want to call it.

It’s how I feel. I don’t like females. almost none of them. It is sexism. that is the definition of what I feel. i wont try to convince anyone to think the same, or act in any way other than avoidance. 

but after lots of observation i came to a conclusion. its a long winded one, and again, its something about me that I just know. I don’t have the feelings in words.

but yeah, I just dislike females. Almost all of them. 

the ones I don’t like i must objectively admit, I hold them on a pedestal because im sort of crushing on them. they’re no different, despite that fact though. 

i also struggle to talk to them. i also had a bad history with my mother and sisters.

you can blame it to that and i accept the possibility of it being down to that too. im not saying men are better (unless thats literally what im saying. its just sort of a stream of consciousness) 

anyway yeah

im attracted to girls more but i dislike females

so i dont persue them

and if i ever do, im too fucking shy 

like i cant make eye contact with them. im so chill around guys like my heart doesnt even race. im so authentic

but i just freeze and i dont know what to say

so yeah, i went for a boyfriend instead

yeah maybe sometimes im into that, but deep down its not a lot 

maybe just as one night stands. as relationships it doesnt work.

and i guess thats part of why it fucked. I wasnt inclined to put the effort in after the initial manic phase of me falling for him

 i like not using my phone. i ignore or dont even check messenger for days

i usually reply to my one main friend only, then ignore the rest. even that is around once every 4 hours at most. 

and in person i treated him as more as one of my friends, not even a main main one. just a casual.

I also snapped and got moody about various things everytime i was around him.

it just builds up, and tonight i was being very moody. trying to make sure things go my way, because i didnt want a personal project to go differently to how i planned. 

it meant alot but deep down. I wanted control

i felt like control was being taken from me, and that was one of my only forms of control. This is where I believe my ego is destroying my life(in one way), although idk how my ego comes into that.

i didnt want to admit that, even to myself

even though a part of me was acknowledging it at the time, while fearing i might continue to desire control

leading to psychotic breaks and a downward spiral in the years to come.

him and my main friend were taking the project into their own hands. scrapping my ideas for it, and replacing it with their ideas

they both agreed they was better ideas. im in denial but im making my self type, yes, they were better ideas than mine. 

i didnt want to admit that. i didnt like that fact. it was threatening, and if a concept like that can be threatening, i presume my ego is involved.

on another note, im going to meet an internet friend, the end of this month, were gonna do shrooms and acid.

sure ego death likely isnt that simple but its worth a mention.

also ego is releated to sense of self and distinction between things in the universe. im not looking for ego death, per se (maybe i am and im just unaware), i just want  to not care what people think and what way people might percieve me

so yeah. i was being moody and making sure my ideas were in there. while they insulted my plans together.

its not painful, but  i physically felt a sigh of sadness in my chest.

ive felt much worse though. especially last time my bf dumped me. the first time he did. we didnt speak for a week. he came back. i went through so much pain in that time, that when he called me back and got back with me. i just didnt care. i met him like once a month after that and ignored him. surprisingly he took his time (months after that) to dump me too.

I know there’s a lot of great features about me, but theyre far from the surface

so i dont know why people stay with me for that long. there are no reasons for them to stay with me, that they can see without being me.

there really really are plenty more fish in the sea. fish much better for them.

so again. its a relief this happened. As long as he doesnt come back and develop on this.

as long as it ends clean like this. its all good.

I need time to process shock right now. 

Also to truly acknowledge how I feel and just feel. 

then he’s gone. 

i dont have to worry about him. im also glad i got to use him for a project in time

needed him for something else but oh well. its not something he wanted to do though 

and i wasnt being very grateful, just more demanding of him doing it. 

we also had plans. me him and my main friend. but i didnt want him there because i just feel like its extra baggage. 

so i dont have to worry about that

he got me a birthday present for my soon coming birthday. 

idk what he plans to do with that but if its edible he can just eat it. if not, he has friends, they can have it. 

this made me think though.

its understandable why he did this. he chose to leave because ultimately i was creating an unpleasant experience for us both while not actively trying to make a pleasant one.

the reason my friend hasnt left though, is simply because he’s loyal enough to stay that long. we have a stronger bond and feeling of understanding with each other. weve known each other very long and done a lot together

but how long until it becomes too unpleasant for him. 

im aware i need to be kinder to him. i honestly dont feel i have the power to be nice when im in that state though

nobody on the outside can see that

its simply me being a dick

and whether meds are to blame or not, how long would he choose to be around that

he has plenty more options

and hes similar to me, he can just move on

i need to be more open to what he says

i need to let go of my desire for control 

i dont need him,

but i want him in my life 

to have him leave my life would be a huge change. hes the only reason i really stay in this country other than my doctors being here. 

i want to explore usa, just party and do lots of shit

but i have a perceivable future with him 

if he leaves i need to figure out a way to keep my health up, while in the US

change is an important part of my life. Change and adaptation. 

thats not what is holding me back from him leaving

but I do want the future, that involves me and him going far.

Whether he takes me along or not he is going far

and i dont want to just be a leech, I want to be there with him 

I also dont have anyone physically

that im as okay with as him

i dont want my mood swings to destroy friendship

im aware of it while its happening but i cant snap out of that.

its so strong. my exterior convinces my interior that i am right, therefore, i disagree wholly with him

when he’s almost always right

and its a shitty situation

i feel so strongly about it then, that this time i am definitely right. even though all the other times like this I was wrong

then later on, i reflect and realize he was right again while i had some hints of truth+logic but was wrong

how long is he going to put up with it? 

is it long enough for the meds to be tapered down enough for the mood swings to disappear.

if so, will our friendship be as strong and undamaged as it is now, on the way out.

it would be foolish to tell him tonight because its 4:30

its the emotional irrational time of night. 

but tomorrow i... i dont emotionally want to

but tomorrow i must tell him that im different on these meds

and i dont want to snap at him

im aware i do and that hes right

and most of all, i understand why my boyfriend left, and the reason my friend hasnt done so yet is because hes more loyal and connected to me

and that i dont want him, my friend, to leave. He has many valid reasons to, and im not the greatest friend

but i dont want him to leave. the others can leave. i dont give a shit and i havent for a very long time

but if any person is important to me, its him and my good health consultant.

not even family

just him 

family have been a hindrance more than a help

he’s the one truth

i dont know what that means

but i tried to type what he is quicker than  i could think as to be as honest as i could with myself.

hes the worthy one in this unreal universe. the one who can succeed. who deserves it. 

the one i want to succeed.

if i dont succeed, i want him to. whether i do or dont

if i die and lose everything

i want all my potential to go into him so he can use it for good.

i dont want to cause him to leave, and i must ask for his understanding and patience until im off the medicine

my personality and how i even feel placed in this world is so different

i was extremely dissociative off the medicine

and i know, off the medicine i will think/realize that the medicine is just used as a means to host me

make me the same as everyone else and stop me from thinking freely. its thought control

and thats the truth but ill be much more aware of it off the meds

like i literally just 

wow

extremely dissociated is all i can hope to say

you wouldnt get it unless you felt the level yourself

but on them

im like a moody, menstrual 15 year old girl