#the bit about matthew holding his hand out to declan did make me tear up a bit because my siblings used to do that without thinking about it

[gideonnavsenormousbiceps]

me when Declan breathed in Greywaren

[willowbird]

Your pynch kiss drabble was so lovely aaa!! Could you do 31 and 32 for pynch too if its no trouble?

Weak sweaty kisses because it's too damn hot + whispered words of love against their lips!

Okay so this got away from me a liiiiiiittle bit. I don’t know if this is what you had in mind but I hope you like it!

-----

“This... fucking... sucks... dirty -- fuck! -- hairy... monkey balls!” Ronan grit his teeth around each word, panting as he fumbled around for the next apparent hand-hold and hauled himself up another few feet.

Maybe eight or so feet below him, Adam huffed out a breathless mockery. “You realize... that this... was actually... your idea,” came his half-grunted, half-growled response a few moments later. Despite the obvious strain in the other man’s tone from the effort of dragging himself up the side of a rocky cliff in the middle of August, there was no actual ire behind it. In fact, Ronan was familiar enough with Adam’s voice and how it shifted depending on his expression that was pretty confident that he was actually smiling. 

As they were currently about half a mile up along the side of a jaggedly sloped cliff face, though, he was less than willing to look down to be sure.

Also, Adam wasn’t wrong. It had been his brilliant fucking idea to climb up the side of a fucking mountain in the hottest fucking part of the day. Granted, he had a good reason, and he still thought it was going to be worth it, but hot damn fucking fuck this sucked ass. 

“Should’ve.. fucking... taken the.. fucking helicopter.” Now that was where he’d gone wrong. He’d thought it would be better climbing on their own. Then it could be just him and Adam, and it would make the moment... just... better or something. Plus, he knew that Adam didn’t like flying and he didn’t want to fuck it all up by making Adam do something he didn’t like. Besides, Adam had seemed excited about the idea of hiking to some secluded spot in the mountains. Granted, neither of them had realized that they’d have to scale a fucking cliff because the bridge across the river on the other side, where there was a path up to the summit, had gotten wiped out in a flash flood last week. 

They could have decided to turn back at that point. Honestly, when Ronan suggested that they climb up from the other side, he’d expected Adam to tell him he was fucknuts crazy and that would be the end of that. He’d just have to rethink his plan or try again another day. But Adam hadn’t written it off like he’d thought he would. Adam had looked at the steep but not vertical incline of the peak, then he’d grinned at Ronan and... well... 

Ronan had just sorta fallen in love all over again. 

So they’d climbed the cliff. Well, they were climbing the cliff. It was an in-progress sort of thing. Ronan was hating his life, but not actually -- because even though it was too damn fucking hot and he was soaked through with sweat and his arms hurt and his hands hurt and his everything fucking hurt... he was here with Adam and every now and then from below him he heard the other man laugh or huff with triumph and each time it gave him a shot of energy like espresso laced with lightning. 

Like now -- Adam laughed at his whining and it was like a punch to his pulse and suddenly he had the energy for another ten feet of climbing. 

“Nah...” Adam panted. “I definitely... have a better view... this way.”

Ronan rolled his eyes, but even with the heat of the August sun bitch-slapping him every time he looked up, he still felt his cheeks burn at the words. He wasn’t sure he’d ever get used to Adam openly flirting with him. They’d been together for fucking years now, and hopefully... 

Well, point being, it always made him feel like a twelve-year-old meeting one of the Backstreet Boys in person (look, they were fucking COOL okay?) and getting an autograph with a wink at the handoff. 

“Fucking asshole,” he grumbled, but even he heard the baring of a grin in his own voice. Adam continued to snigger from below, and Ronan shook his head, pushing onward. It was only a few more feet now, and seeing the promise of the top had Ronan feeling both more energized and more tired than he’d ever felt in his life. 

With an extra push and a grunt for emphasis, he dragged himself up and over that final lip, which was about four feet of a straight drop. His arms shook, but that didn’t stop him from pushing up to his knees and instantly turning around to offer his arm to Adam. Long, strong fingers curled around his forearm and he did the same as he pulled the other man up, losing balance and falling back with a groan of discomfort, because the pack he was wearing was not exactly a down fucking pillow. 

Adam chuckled above him and gave him a light shove so he could roll onto his side. This was less for Ronan’s benefit as much as it was so Adam could get to the canteen strapped to the pack. With considerable effort, Ronan at up and swiveled around as Adam drank. He didn’t hesitate when the canteen was then offered to him and gulped down the cool salvation with greedy intent. Only when the worst of his thirst was quenched did he drop the canteen and sigh, looking back over at Adam. 

But Adam wasn’t looking at him. 

Adam had shifted up to his knees and was staring out over the canopy, the winding river, and the deep valley beyond. Robin’s-egg eyes were wide with beauty-tinged wonder and Ronan could see the way his breath caught, the way his throat tightened at the sight. 

“Ronan...” Adam said. 

Ronan screwed the top back onto the canteen and set it aside, shrugging out of his pack and feeling instantly lighter. It was still too damn hot. He felt sticky and half-suffocated with the heat not only pressing down on him but radiating out from his overworked muscles after all that exertion. Sweat had soaked through his shirt and every other bit of fabric on his body and his eyes were stinging from the salt of what had been dripping into his eyes for what felt like hours, even though he’d thought to wear a bandana. All of that was forgotten as he looked at Adam, as he thought about Adam, as he pushed up to his knees beside him and touched his hand. 

All he thought... all he knew in that moment -- was that he was doing the right thing here. There were no regrets, no doubts, no second thoughts. 

“Adam,” Ronan said. And maybe there was something in his voice, because when Adam looked over at him he had the look in his eyes like he was still seeing something so beautiful it astounded him. Then his expression softened, warmed, and it was the look that Ronan knew best -- the one that greeted him in the morning, the one that was often the last thing he saw before he closed his eyes before he went to sleep. 

“Adam,” Ronan tried again, and his voice caught, but fuck it if he was going to let something stupid like emotions fuck up this moment so he bared his teeth and pushed through, quickly catching up both of Adam’s hands in his and gripping them tightly. “Look. I brought you here because. Shit fuck. I brought you here because it’s supposed to be the most beautiful view in the state. And I wanted to show you something of home and something of... of somewhere else... that is so beautiful it hurts. Because you... That’s you. You’re home, and you’re somewhere else. You’re new and you’re so familiar. You’re like a limb. My favorite limb. Some vital organ that makes it possible for me to breath right or think right or... or just... You’re the organ that gives me love and I don’t ever want to do anything without having you there where you can keep that.. that power running through me.”

Adam’s eyes were wide but Ronan couldn’t let himself focus on how the blue of them had gone hazy with the mist of tears. He couldn’t let himself see the tremble of his lips and the flutter of a smile. He pushed through and looked down to where they were clutching each other’s hands in shaking, trembling grasps -- both of them white-knuckled and numb to the palms. 

“For a man who can literally make dreams reality, can have anything I could ever fucking want -- nothing... nothing would make me happier than if you...”

His voice cut off with a surge of emotion. He thought of having this. He thought of Adam. He thought of his mom. He thought of the Barns and of Matthew and Declan and Opal. He thought of everything and everyone he had ever loved. He thought of his dad. He thought of the nightwash and the terrible things that lived beyond the realm of the waking mind. 

And he thought of Adam. 

Adam’s voice. 

Adam’s smile. 

Adam’s touch as he brushed his fingers over his hair, whether it was shaggy or freshly buzzed. 

He looked up and met Adam’s eyes, and even though the other man was already nodded, his breath coming in soft hitches around the way he bit just slightly into a his lower lip, Ronan pushed through. 

“Adam, will you marry me?”

Adam made a soft sound and Ronan didn’t understand it the first or second time, but by the third he recognized the curve of the vowel and the hush of the ‘s’. “Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes yes yes yes...”

There was no point attempting to hold back the grin that broke across his own face as the answer fully registered. So he didn’t bother. He smiled. He smiled with all the volume of a shout. Then he was pulling Adam close and kissing him. And fuck, he was so tired from the climb and the energy of all those damn words that he could feel the way his own lips were trembling. Weak, sweaty, giddy with dazed relief, but he couldn’t not kiss him. 

“I love you,” he murmured against his lips -- or maybe it was Adam speaking to him. “I love you I love you I love you...”

Forehead to forehead, their sweat and breaths mingling, Ronan clutched Adam, pressed their joined hands to their heart, and he smiled. 

“Tamquam,” Adam said, his lips just barely moving against his own. Still smiling, and the both of them crying now. Just a little. 

“Alter idem.”

[pynches]

memories we hold (as part of our soul) - chapter 1

a/n an anon requested a childhood best friend fic and i turned into a multi-chapter slow burn of sorts! i worked pretty hard on it so i hope you all like it!

word count: 2343

tw: mention of child abuse (canon)

He saw the bruise first.

The shadows from the late afternoon casted over the boy’s face making it appear bigger than it was.

“How did you get that?” Ronan had asked with childlike curiosity, his hand already moving up to touch the purpling skin.

The boy had flinched away, his hand coming up in front of his face to protect himself. Ronan’s lip jutted out, confused and hurt at the clear rejection.

“I’m sorry,” he stammered, stepping back himself. He had learned from tending to the various animals at the Barns that if you scared them you had to make yourself look smaller so they didn’t feel threatened anymore. He sat down on the soft grass of the mysterious forest he often dragged Declan and Matthew to so they could build their treehouse further.

The boy’s face turned to the side a bit in confusion. Ronan waited patiently until he sat down in front of him and grinned at him widely.

“I’m Ronan,” he said, taking the hand that was stretched out to him. He giggled a bit at how grown up it felt.

“Adam,” the boy, Adam, had replied, gifting Ronan with a shy smile. His accent reminded Ronan of the sweet lady at the candy store who always gave him one piece of candy more when his mom’s back was turned, melodious and languid like the Henrietta sun.

“Wanna see my treehouse?” Ronan asked then, pulling Adam up by his hand when he nodded. Ronan didn’t let go of Adam’s hand, instead he let it swing between them.

“When you’re out with your brothers, remember to hold each other’s hand,” Aurora always said, right before they were running out of the door to another one of their imagined adventures. “That way you will never lose each other.”

He led Adam up the tree, showing him exactly where to climb. “My brother Declan helped me make it!” he said excitedly, showing Adam around the half finished tree-house. He brushed a dark curl out of his face but it stubbornly fell in front of his eyes again.

Adam looked around in wonder, not ever having seen a treehouse before. “I could live here,” he said quietly, his eyes roaming over the open space. Ronan noticed Adam was starting to look quite sad and despite not getting what had upset him, he grabbed Adam’s hands and spun them around in circles until Adam let out a laugh.

“We can come back,” Ronan said when they were laying on the wooden floor, splinters probably worming their way into their skin now. His vision was still tilting a bit. He pictured them on a pirate ship, the waves causing the motion sickness instead of childlike playing.

Adam turned to look at him, his eyes still slightly unfocussed. Ronan couldn’t help but giggle and poke Adam’s nose. He scrunched his nose at Ronan’s touch, his freckles more pronounced with them flowing into each other. “Do you mean that?”

“Of course!” Ronan answered excitedly. “We’re best friends now,” he added solemnly like he was making a great vow with the boy he had only known for an hour at most. “And best friends do things together!”

Adam gave Ronan his first actual smile then, one of his front teeth missing, the new one just poking through. The smile was cheerful and bright and Ronan couldn’t help but smile back.

And that was the start of a friendship that was supposed to follow them into adulthood. The kind of friendship that was unbreakable because you grew up together and thus understood each other better than anyone ever could. And for a while, it looked like it was headed that way.

They were inseparable for a while.

Now it was not three boys running off and using sticks to fight each other like the knights in the fairytales they read, but four. Adam was well liked by all three brothers for a different reason.

Matthew loved everyone and Adam was no different. He liked Adam a little better than most people, though, because Adam was always kind to him. Adam had put a bandage on Matthew’s newly acquired scratch wound once with practised ease and he had loved him ever since.

Declan loved Adam but he would never admit it. Even as a kid he had been closed off, hiding his true emotions and feelings within himself so he appeared as a blank slate for others to interpret how they wanted. He had never been carefree like his brothers, he never had the opportunity to, but he saw a resourcefulness and cleverness in Adam that he didn’t put into place until he was older and understood it better. Nevertheless, Declan admired him despite him being younger which was the biggest obstacle for his young age.

Ronan grew to love Adam the most. Adam was the first friend he ever really had outside of his brothers and he cherished it as much as a nine year old really could. Even when Adam was distant, fresh marks littering the skin of his small arms, Ronan tried his best to put a smile on his face because that's what friends do. He had learned to not ask about them but he asked his mom once.

“Is he sick?” he had asked her as she was tucking him back into bed after a bad dream. “Is that why he has bruises everywhere? Is he going to die?”

“He won’t die,” Aurora had said sweetly, the hesitancy before she spoke not going unnoticed by Ronan.

“Mom-“ Ronan had said fearfully, tears brimming in his eyes.

Aurora gently brushed one of Ronan’s curls behind his ear. “He is having a bit of a tough time at home, sweetheart.”

“We have to help him!” Ronan had said, eternally positive and kind-hearted. Aurora couldn’t help but let a prideful smile slip out.

“Trying to help him could only make it worse,” she said softly. She couldn’t possibly explain to Ronan that child-services weren’t always reliable and that she was afraid what would happen if they deemed his parents okay. She couldn’t explain what was really happening to Ronan because as much as she feared for Adam, as much she wanted to protect Ronan from all bad, she was wired that way after all.

“Sleep now,” she said and took Ronan into her arms, singing him a lullaby until he was snoring softly, his face resting peacefully against her chest.

Aurora would remain seated like this for a long time, silently worrying about the sweet but silent boy that had walked into her boys’ lives. Her motherly instincts extended beyond just her sons and so she sat there, with Ronan in her arms, praying for Adam, begging God to give Adam the help she was too cowardly to give herself.

“We’re going to high school soon,” Ronan said, two years later the day before the summer holidays came to an end. His feet were dangling off the side of the tree house. Adam was seated next to him, doing the same, his untied shoelaces blowing in the wind.

“Are you scared?” Adam asked, turning his head to eye Ronan for a second. He had grown a lot since they met but his face was still the same, youthful and radiating happiness. His dark curls bounced in the wind, Adam had the urge to smooth them back like he had seen Aurora do many times.

Ronan shook his head with a laugh. “It will be fun!” He slouched in on himself a little after. “My dad says so at least.”

Adam looked out into the forest, his eyes already wise beyond their age. “I hope it will be,” he decided on, shooting Ronan a small smile.

“We won’t see each other much once we start,” Ronan said, pulling his legs up to turn his body towards Adam, the noses of his beaten down shoes resting softly against Adam’s leg.

Adam turned around too, pressing his legs in between Ronan’s, their ankles now touching comfortably. “We won’t,” he agreed, an edge of sadness in his voice Ronan wanted to take away.

“We’ll still be friends,” Ronan said. It was a statement, a promise, unyielding. Adam smiled, his teeth fully grown out and straight.

“Promise?” he asked, a soft smile lingering on his lips as he stuck out his pinky for Ronan to hook around with his own.

“Promise.”

They kept their pinkies hooked as they watched the sun set, each others’ touch tethering them to the last moment they would have together.

They walked back out of the forest, waving at each other one last time before they both went their own way back home, not knowing this would be the last time they saw each other.

Ronan often wondered what he would have done or said if he knew life would diverge the paths that had interwoven together. If he had known he would lose his best friend and made room for another that didn’t quite feel the same.

Adam had gone to school the next day with nervous butterflies fluttering in his stomach and the distant reminder that he would see Ronan again that afternoon. He’d just have to survive the day and then he’d be in the presence of someone who had become just as familiar to him as he was to himself.

His father had other plans.

It started when he came home from school and didn’t end until much later, when Adam had already left Ronan waiting in the treehouse where they were supposed to meet up.

Adam didn’t want to explain and Ronan eventually stopped waiting.

The treehouse stood vacant, the walls holding children’s laughter and crude words written secretly underneath posters. It held childhood memories neither boy was bound to forget. It carried secrets and unexpected tears, names etched into the wood. It was empty now, present in every day thought but not in actuality anymore.

Adam wondered himself if it had ever really existed.

He had seen Ronan after their contact was lost. Many times even. It was inevitable with the size of the town. Dark curls bouncing as he ran through the street, carefree and wild as always, with a new boy at his side. Expensive glasses and straightened polos, someone Adam never had been and would never become.

Many times, Adam had punished himself in his mind for not saying something, waving at least. He always hid himself at least, watching as Ronan passed him by. It always left him with an ache in his heart, a loss he couldn’t put into words. Miserable wasn’t a word strong enough for what he felt. Losing Ronan was much greater than misery could describe.

The pain faded after time, still present sometimes but not a constant anymore.

Ronan still thought of the sun-kissed boy often, wondered what had happened to him, what made him turn away from him.

But he had found Gansey, who was much different from Adam but eerily alike him too sometimes. Earning Gansey’s friendship was something he was proud of and he admired Gansey like he did no other, but it wasn’t the same feeling he used to have with Adam. It was not something he could put into words but it was something undeniably present.

He was thankful for Gansey though and grew to love him more like a brother than he did Declan, someone who had grown to become the person who had to face his anger, his malice, his pain and take it in stride because he was the ‘man of the house’ now that his father was gone.

It was Gansey who hugged him close when Ronan broke down again, plagued by nightmares of his father’s death. It was Gansey who didn’t protest when he had to help put the tattoo cream on when he went off to the tattoo parlour with a snarl and a fake-id. It was Gansey who let him live with him when he was banned from the Barns.

If Ronan had looked closer and didn’t turn away at his father’s face reflected in Declan’s own, he would have known Declan would have done this for him too. He would have held his younger brother like his mother once had, comforted himself by the nightmares that were plaguing him too. He would have lectured him on the tattoo, sure, but he would have helped him. Because that is what big brothers do and he used to be the best one in Ronan’s eyes.

Ronan’s eyes were elsewhere, set on drag-racing now, drinking until he forgot about his father, about his failing grades, about the crushes he had on the wrong people, about the boy with the sad eyes that still plagued him when he closed his eyes.

A boy he thought he’d never see again.

Until he was there, pushing his bike forward on the small hill he had to climb. It was years later, both starting junior year now. He was still on the thin side, though Ronan now understood why, but there were muscles straining in his arms too. His freckles were still just as apparent, his hands bigger but still just as boyish. Ronan remembered holding it tightly as they rushed off a hill just as big as this one. His stance was determined, his thin lips pulled tight. They met each other's eyes once before Ronan sunk back, shaking his head at a confused Gansey who had slowed down the Pig. Gansey pressed down on the gas pedal again and Ronan blamed the racing of his heart on the speed.

“Please,” he prayed in his head, closing his eyes at the force of the word.

He didn’t know what he prayed for. Please, let this be another chance? Please, let me have one more conversation with someone that had meant so much to me for so long? Please, don’t ruin me because I can’t bear more pain.

“Please,” he prayed again and let Gansey drive them away, leaving Adam as nothing but a spot in the distance.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

These boys.

Matt said he wanted his tree to go first but I didn't. So, I told him to tell me in my head

Then i told him he cheated he had to say it out his mouth.

Wonder why our trees play pranks? Don't.

So Barbarian Frankenstein couldn't handle not having me or that his soulmate was dead. So he claimed his dad made his tree and he was just claiming the rest of the techs for him Because he was busy.

Matt and him got into it because barbarian Frankenstein totally slipped up.

Anyways so tonight Matt's tree got the huge Sahara job by himself

And it's the only one I've told to grow plants.

And so this little mastermind...

Played them all!!

Matthew says hes fucking embarrassed.

Tom tells me "well played" and that "his face is so red he looks like a pickle"

BF: I would never imagined she would done that. Sent me first to save Matt. But it's cause she thinks you're weak you know that.

Me: i thought he went with the tree and didn't want him to get hurt. I knew he was my soulmate.

Tom: busted!

BF: oh you know you are too fun! But thank you. I still get to be the American hero and you're the chump

Me: he's the gardner

BF: oh my bad he gardens with tender hands

Me: like your abe Lincoln one.

BF: well shit fuck I got nothing to say. Except I got my woman at my house.

Matt: I don't get into piddly shit with tots.

Me: that was the wrong time to say that.

Matt: I didn't mean you i meant him

Me: I know but it didn't look right typed.

BF: is that why you don't talk? Because you don't know how

Matt: because the truth hurts and I'm not gonna hurt you just because you're being a sore loser

BF: Uh okay I get to go first and you get to garden.

Me: let me review my typing. Please hold your tongue. See. First barbarian Frankenstein you lied to every one. Then you attacked Matt in multiple ways. So it seems you're a control freak bully, sir.

BF: So I'll go with being red faced there's nothing wrong with being embarrassed in comparison to what I've said.

Matt: there bravo. Thats a good man

Me: he's being sincere

BF: Tom don't laugh

Tom doesn't obey the control freak bully

And Barbarian Frankenstein offers hugs to every one including Matt who accepts. I don't. My back hurts.

Edit: in 2008 they had the same fight but i didn't say anything. Neither did Matt. Barbarian just kept making me madder and madder. So for 1 hour and 42 minutes it went on until Saint Luches said "we don't have to let this continue" and finally I let my tears fall.

So Saint Luches tried to talk to the Barbarian who just yelled back "I'm not!!" So Saint Luches punched his jaw and walked away.

I told matt to come on about it and he told us two to go first because it was him Barbarian wanted to fight.

So he fucking tackled him from behind and pinned him down and said all kinds shit and Matt spit in his face and Saint Luches kicked him off Matt and pulled him up but he was knocked out so i went and slapped him around a bit and told him let's go.

So then I took him to the bedroom. Stripped him down told him not to move on the bed. Said "im sorry I don't know what else to say or do. But that was so goddam sexy while I ripped off my clothes" inside he screamed i was crazy.

But when I said "cant you get up, come on let's fuck" he understood i was crazy about him

A few strokes later the bedroom door swung open and the Barbarian bellows "I thought I won!!"

Saint Luches and Roger are trying to pull him back out of the room "nope! Don't apologize!!"

Barbarian breaks free "Sabrina you don't need to hold your tits I've seen them before"

Matt tells him he can get a real good look if he got closer. Matt hit him in the head witha pillow 2 times soft. While barbarian annoyed me with his face parallel to my tits so I elbowed it down and away which was perfect for Matt to knock out punch him then throw me to the side before thr Barbarian slammed into me.

So we went on the other side of the bed on the floor to fuck.

And Saint Luches said "explain to me why h3 didn't win for Pete's sake"

"Who's Pete?" Im fucking my man but I can hold a conversation

"Just people in general"

"Because Matt actually cared about me. Thats why we sat out there so long and let him ramble on because first i got really mad but i noticed Matt didn't care. Like he thought it was funny. So then it started to hurt my heart because it was so bad. Like i didn't want him on the planet anymore and so Matt told me to chill"

"But he didn't say anything!!!" Barbarian was looking under the bed at Matt's Dick being rode hard.

"Uhm yes he did you doofus! But you didn't listen and think you were king of nothing!!"

"You!!!" He looked up over the bed at my face then back down under the bed to see sex

"Oh you wanna look at his Dick?!? You really wanna see how big it is?!?!" I got onto my feet and raised myself real high a few times nice and slow.

"YOU NEED TO QUIT!!!!"

"You need to fuck off. You can fuck yourself you know that. I can't. Neither can he"

"How much is he paying you? I got money. Come see me next!" And he threw $3,000 in the bed and walked out.

"Im keeping it but I ain't fucking you. You can fuck yourself im taking it as apology money that I'm not a hermaphrodite!!!"

So the next day... Matt always sat on this ledge in the Adobe wall outside... And the Jesse's liked to sit there too So they would share sitting or get down if they wanted to lay down.

And Barbarian went and punched Matt in the face and his head cracked open on the wall behind. But there was cactus and I wasnt going over there so tree fixed him and slapped barbarian then punched him in the stomach and used a pressure point to,make him pass out and told us to go in and lock the door.

So we did.

Then we had a nap and lunch and then matt on top sex and guess which sexual intercourse police man walked in. Barbarian. So I threw Matt off me and walked up the the barbarian who thought he had an award. Shoved him out the door, closed it as the barbarian screamed "WHAT?!?!?" and had Matt help me push the bed against the door and the dresser against the bathroom door which had a lock.

We stayed that way for 3 days after sneaking off to buy a cooler with ice and food while my 4 year old daughter camped with Dan. Declan and Sara's kids and 2 of Declan's assumed cousins at the lake.

Sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

But Matt didn't fight back. But he comforted me with body language and all as he saw my emotional face.

That was more of a man to me than someone who could use mean words to show his favor.

Sure it may look like i don't want Matt to get hurt makes me think hes weak. But i have a heart condition and i need someone who can pay attention to that by me when there's crazy going on. Not look at a tree that is symbolic of him and make the intensity worse.

This shit is scary. Its sad. It's not healthy for me.

So I need someone paying attention to what's inside me, like Matt does.

I love the Barbarian. I do. But hes not my soulmate. Pure and simple.

And Matt always forgives him Because Matt understands him. But Matt will fight him when Matt feels it's appropriate.

But sometimes his attitude hurts me too much and makes me too sad that it's hard to forgive and forget right away.

And Matt will defend me that I don't want him around.

And apparently y'all all seen a whole show the other night on TV.

[treebananas]

Here’s To New Beginnings

Pynchweek2017 is here! This is my work for Day 1: Something new

Summary: Adam and Ronan get coverage after the events from TRK tw: mention of child abuse, minor character death, light angst

word count: 1103

Adams hands shook as he drove to the magic place known as the Barns. He was a hurricane with anxiety and nervousness. His broke down mobile crushed over the gravel of the driveway. The car stopped, but Adam kept on shaking. He looked at himself in the cars small mirror and took a deep breath.

He walked up to the door, memories replaying in his head. Ronan’s birthday. The toy car. The kids. It felt magical and perhaps it was. Adam was unsure if he was Ronan’s first kiss. He was sure that he was the second person Ronan has kissed. The second kiss. Adam’s hands on Ronan’s ribs. His gentle baby soft lips. That night Ronan gave himself to Adam and Gansey told Adam not to break him. But what does that mean? Ronan and Adam fight, that’s what they do. Is that going to change if they continue into a relationship? Are they in a relationship?

Adam was so trapped in his head, he didn’t notice Ronan was standing into front of him staring. Adam looked him up and down. He was wearing his normal outfit, black muscle tee, and black skinny jeans. His hair was grown out longer, but his neck was still bruised with finger marks.

Why didn’t Ronan fight back? The whole night came flooding back. Adam noticed salt water falling to the ground. It took him a little bit to realize he was crying.

He reached up and lightly touched the bruises on Ronan’s beck. Ronan followed his hand and used it to pull Adam into a hug. Adam melted into Ronan.

They stayed pressed together till loud stomps announced the Orphan girl. Adam pulled back and smiled at the young girl. She took his hand and kissed his wrist.

Ronan grabbed his other hand and leg him inside, “Come on in, Parrish.”

The three walked farther into the Barns. Chainsaw appeared at some point, but flew out of Adams sight when the Orphan girl ran to some unknown room in the Barns.

“How’s Matthew and Declan?” asked Adam.

“Alive.” Ronan answered, disguising his thankfulness.

“Good, I was worried.”

“Me too.”

“How about you?”

“Me, Parrish?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m-Im fine.”

“You know it’s okay if you’re not.”

“Look, Parrish, I know it is not easy getting over whatever the hell we just went through, but Matthews alive, Declan’s alive and were not fighting anymore, Gansey’s alive, Blue, Henry, and Blue freaky family are alive, Noah’s g-d knows where, and my moms dead, but we’re alive for the most part. We lost less people than I thought, so yeah I’m fine. What about you?”

“…I-I don’t know.”

“Care to elaborate?”

“I keep having nightmares of…that night.”

“Which part?”

Adam looked down at his hands. Ronan walked over and stood right in front of Adam. He took Adam chin from where it was locked against his chest and forced him to make eye contact with Ronan.

“Adam it was not you.”

“Maybe, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t my hands.”

“You didn’t have control.”

“I could feel myself choking the life out of you.”

“It wasn’t you. You didn’t have control.”

“That’s not an excuse!”

“You were controlled by a literal demon. You were not drunk, you were possessed.”

“I can’t get it outta my head. It’s all I can think about.”

“You’re not reduced to a single memory. You are you, not the demon controlling you. You are you, not your possessed hands on my neck. You are you and you’re amazing. You are the smartest person I know and you have such a bright future that I only can hope to be a part of. You’re going to go to the college of your dreams with a full ride and impress big people like the president and become famous for finding the cure for cancer. You are you and you amaze me everyday, but not just me. You impress everyone you meet including Gansey, Blue, Noah, Henry, everyone. You are so much, but none of you is that man.”

Adam had tears streaming down his faces as he nodded. Ronan pulled Adam into his chest. Ronans neck became wet with Adams tears, but neither of them cared. It took awhile for them to let go of each other.

“Two hugs in a day? Turning into a sap, Lynch.”

Ronan shut off. “Fuck off, Parrish. C’mon it’s 11:00; time for Orphan girl to get to bed.”

Awkward silence flooded through the house. Ronan led Adam and Orphan girl through the house like a mother of ducklings.

Ronan tucked Orphan girl into bed and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. As he was leaving, he waved to Adam signifing Adam to follow him.

The two went into Ronan’s room. Ronan cleared his throat and asked, “Do you want to stay over?”

“Yeah.” Adam said, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in.

Both worked around each other and quietly got ready for bed. Adam wondered if he should sleep on the floor like Ronan would at St. Agnes, but Ronan lifted the comforter for Adam and he got in anyway. They left as much room as they could on Ronan’s small bed. They were both laying of their backs, but Adams hands and legs were crossed while Ronan spread his legs in a wide V and had one hand on his stomach the other on his stomach. Despite the fluffy pillows and warm blanket, it was uncomfortable.

Ronan was dying to say something or ask the underlying question on both their minds. His mind went a mile a minute making it impossible to sleep, but Adam saved him from his mind.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah.” Ronan answered. “What is it?”

“Do you want this?”

“Fuck, Adam.”

“Never mind.”

“No, no, of course I want this, but be more specific.”

“Me. Us. I don’t know. Do you want to be my boyfriend and go on dates and all that shit?”

“Fuck. Adam.”

“Or we could forget about all that.”

“Fuck, no. Did us kissing on my birthday mean nothing because I thought actions spoke louder than words and all that bullshit?”

“I wasn’t sure if you meant it as just a fling.”

“Have you ever seen me do something without 100%?”

“Well, no.”

“Exactly.”

“So if I kiss you right now, you won’t push me away?”

“Fuck, no.”

So Adam kissed him.

And in the morning, he woke up to bad breath morning kisses and arms snug around his body. Everything was amazing because Ronan was his boyfriend and he couldn’t be happier.

[ravenvsfox]

Hiii the story you wrote about Andrew and Neil that I asked for awhile ago was awesome even though I know it was a hard one. I was wo dering if you can do 98 about Ronan and Adam?

(that is SWEET and also I bastardized your prompt a little >:))

98: “I want to thank you for putting up with me. I know that I’m not the easiest person to get along with.” 

He’s locking up the repair shop with his arms full of backpack and keys clamped between his teeth when someone honks behind him. He startles so hard that everything landslides down onto springy wet grass.

“Sorry!” Gansey calls, head popped outside of what must be the pig, if Adam could see past the dizzy glare of the headlights. “I’m in a bit of a hurry. You’d better come sit down.”

Adam breathes deep, mentally slicing his evening into pieces like he always does when an expensive car rolls up and his name is called. He stoops over to gather the textbooks spilling out of his bag, the scatter of his few precious pens and his bike lock.

When he looks up, Gansey’s switched on his high beams to passive aggressively hurry him along. He slows down a little out of halfhearted spite.

Adam tucks his backpack through the headrests to the backseat and then leans into the front of the car to look at Gansey expectantly. He’s making a face that’s about as close to a grimace as a Gansey can get.

“Ronan ran away.”

Adam blinks. “Oh.”

“Yeah,” Gansey breathes. Adam feels his newborn worry ebb and blink out.

“Well he’s at home, then. He’s not going to run far from the Barns.”

“That’s what I’d imagined, but he’s nowhere on Lynch property. Blue and I went on a merry hunt all afternoon.”

Adam feels his chest kick and fight and try to make a scene. “And you didn’t tell me until now?” He hates that his voice sounds like the raw insides of undercooked meat, like he’s delicate and bloody.

“Well we thought it was fixable, and you were at work—“

“I’m always at work, Gansey, and it’s never deterred you before. If my— if Ronan really did disappear—“

“He did,” Gansey says emphatically, and Adam frowns.

“Opal—“

“Knocked on my door at 6 am this morning holding this.” He produces a sheet of torn off looseleaf from his breast pocket and hands it to Adam gingerly.

Adam unfolds it.

Tell Adam I’m sorry.

He looks up, swallowing. Gansey’s watching him closely, obviously trying to gauge a response.

“At least he’s started apologizing,” he says weakly, a thin needle of hurt pinning his words together.

“It doesn’t seem like he’s starting anything,” Adam says, his anger and worry taking each other by the throat. “He’s giving up.”

“I think,” Gansey says, “that he’s very bad at grieving.”

“No one’s good at grieving. Not that you’ve ever had to know.”

Gansey recoils. He has a flighty look on his face like he would very much like to abandon this conversation if it weren’t taking place in his most prized possession. “I’m not the one that left, Adam,” he says pointedly, and Adam swears, apologizes, and climbs into the passenger seat.

“Take me to the Barns.”

Gansey looks at him sideways, and Adam would have the pity in his eyes for a punching bag. “He really isn’t there.”

“I know,” Adam says impatiently, “I’m going to steal his car.”

_____

It’s an apparently old thing that’s never known the taste of rust or grime, nestled in the Barns’ garage under a gauzy tarp. Adam unveils it and Gansey whistles — probably because he heard it done on a television program — and lays a hand on the hood. Adam swears he hears the engine stir under his palm, for a second.

“Adam,” Gansey starts, voice low. “I’m not sure this is a good idea.”

“Funny,” Adam says, inspecting the car for faults. “That’s what I said when I started dating Ronan.”

“That is not funny,” Gansey says, though he’s smiling grimly. “He could be hurt. Or lost.”

“Ronan doesn’t get lost by accident,” Adam says absently, and Gansey makes a tiny, choked noise.

“How enigmatic.”

“Hmm,” Adam agrees, and touches the steering wheel gently so that it sighs and turns over and comes to life for him, no keys required. “Sort of takes the joy out of stealing it,” Adam muses, stroking along the dashboard and hearing the car purr in response.

Gansey makes to get into the passenger seat and Adam stops him with a hand on his shoulder.

“Sorry man. It’s got to be me and him.”

Gansey looks down and then smiles slowly. “Funny. That’s what I said when you started dating him.”

Adam can’t quite bring himself to roll his eyes when everything about his relationship is so far up in the air that he’s afraid to look down.

“Ronan will be back tomorrow with an apology for driving you to yet another early grave,” Adam promises. He glances at Gansey’s harried expression, orange and shadowed by bare lightbulbs. “I’m not letting him do this. He can quit and fuck up his life as much as he wants but he can’t— I know he doesn’t want to leave.”

He’s been fixing the house up one squeaky hinge at a time, and sometimes he asks me to name any colour I can think of and the next day the kitchen will be that colour and he thinks I don’t notice the pictures of us in the office and the way he smiles sometimes is the way the water swallows its temper tantrum and guides a ship home and he loves it here the same way I love him here.

“Where are you going to look?” Gansey asks, almost too serious to look at. Adam knows he resents the way Adam’s slipping off to find Ronan like he’s been waiting to do it, when Gansey himself has failed another search for something that matters to him.

“I don’t want to say in case I’m wrong,” Adam says quietly. If it were Blue she would say I don’t want to jinx it.

“Call me from his phone?” Gansey asks. “Tell him—“ he twitches a sad smile. “Tell him I’m furious.”

“Gansey.“ He looks up. “You know you’re his hero,” he says, because he thinks he might need to hear it, and it’s been true since they were at least sixteen.

Gansey looks away like he doesn’t believe it. “Tomorrow?” he asks.

“Tomorrow,” Adam confirms. He bumps knuckles with Gansey, considers, and then hugs him over the steady warmth of the car. Adam’s unnerved to find tears burning his eyes, and he can’t quite look at Gansey when he pulls away.

_____

He drives the strange little sports car hybrid straight to D.C., trusting the fuel source to be as improbable as the rest of it. He spends the time cranking bad trap music and seething, resenting the 6 hour round trip chewed from his sleep schedule and distractedly desperate for Ronan to be there.

It’s very nearly impossible to imagine something spooking Ronan enough for him to abandon his closest friends or his dependent little gem of a dream or the home that is actually his heart.

It’s conversely easy to imagine Ronan afraid, Ronan retreating, Ronan, Lynch, with the only other people who know how to be Lynches.

It might be a stretch if you’d watched Ronan and Declan box each other half to death last year, but it’s obvious to Adam. Declan is Gansey if Gansey fought his problems instead of swallowing them.

Ronan ran because he needed to be punched and he knew his friends wouldn’t do it. He ran because he was starting to heal and he wanted to look at some wounds up close and get the taste of his pain back. He probably didn’t even have a plan beyond setting fire to their bed and finding something that wouldn’t feel so much like a dream.

Adam shuts the music off, lets himself sob a couple of times, and scratches the leather steering wheel with his jagged thumb nail, just enough to feel terrible.

That note. The stupid cop-out note. Tell Adam I’m sorry. Tell Adam I’m a coward. I can’t because I know how wrong and cruel this is, another loss to notch into the wall of Adam’s cell.

He rolls into the outskirts of D.C. and swallows mouthful after mouthful of trepidation with headlights in his eyes. The traffic is orderly and thick for 1 am, and it wakes Adam up.

He finds Declan’s address from vague memory, like feeling around where you know a light switch must be in a stranger’s house.

Adam parks down the street where it’s free after 6 pm, and walks up to the towering rich brown apartment block, more obviously expensive than the buildings on either side of it. He hurries to catch the door inside from an apartment patron with cigarette smoke trapped in their leather coat.

He holds the door open with his foot and scans the neat last names of the occupants lined up next to buzzers and room numbers. He finds Lynch, touches it with his index finger and feels an unexpected rush of emotion suck his bottom lip in and fold his lungs up.

He allows himself to take the elevator to the eighth floor, and closes his eyes the whole way, letting sleep tug him down, an ever impatient child.

He steps out into the overly air-conditioned taupe-carpeted hallway, fancy sconces set out every few steps. 843 is almost directly outside the elevator, likely planned for Declan’s convenience. He swallows, considers how humiliating it will be if Ronan isn’t here, and knocks on the door.

No one replies for a couple of minutes. Adam listens very hard and knocks again, as sharp as he dares. Something moves behind the door, and Adam steps back to stare down the peep-hole. The door cracks, and Declan peers blearily out, the silken collar of a robe snug at his neck.

“Parrish? Why are you here?”

“Ronan,” Adam says, and swallows. He’d been expecting Ronan’s insomnia to bring him to the door. “I’m looking for Ronan, and we thought he might have come here.” He’s not sure if the ‘we’ implies Gansey’s influence the way he wants it to.

“He’s not here,” Declan says simply. His eyes are a single shade away from Ronan’s, just as dark and exposing.

Adam’s heart sinks and keeps sinking, the waste of it all dawning on him slow and ugly.

“He was earlier today,” Declan amends, opening the door a little further. “He was here when I came home, talking to Matthew like—“ he pauses. “I would’ve thought it would be Gansey, to come.”

“Sorry to disappoint,” Adam says hollowly.

Declan eyes him shrewdly, not quite apologetic but not pleased. “I guess I should’ve known,” he says vaguely, and Adam narrows his eyes.

“Adam.”

He whips around. Ronan’s there, of course, like some sort of scowling, half-crying mirage. He’s a strange blot of dark where the hallway is pristine; he’s never going to belong here.

“A note,” Adam says immediately. Ronan looks away, back towards the elevator with its doors still open. “You’re a real dick.”

“Yeah.”

Adam feels his whole body try to collapse itself at the hinges, exhaustion on top of relief on top of anger. The way Ronan looks like he’s been in a bar fight with himself isn’t helping. The sweet flush of exertion on his neck is making Adam want to break a light fixture in half.

“Why the fuck are you still here?” Declan asks, and Ronan snaps a look at him, a little more himself.

“I wasn’t planning on kidnapping our brother, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Declan look a little pitying, so Ronan glares at him.

“I was leaving in the morning.”

“Leaving for where?” Adam asks, and Ronan’s demeanour rips through, like caught fabric.

“I was still deciding,” he says.

“Was home one of the options? Was I?”

Adam can tell that Ronan’s deadly close to tears because he’s focusing too hard on keeping them in to say anything.

“I’m going to—“ Declan starts awkwardly, and Adam gestures for him to go, sparing half of one glance to the closing door before looking back to Ronan. He steps forward unevenly.

“I was trying to sleep in my car. I saw you go by and I thought I was dreaming.”

“Still feel like a dream?” Adam hisses, and Ronan’s mouth pulls.

“Nightmare.”

Adam tries to breathe evenly and fails. “You scared the shit out of Gansey.” Me, you scared the shit out of me.

“He has Blue,” Ronan says quietly, like he’s thought it through.

“And me?” Adam asks, voice curdling.

“You have both of them. Plus Opal fucking worships you, and the witches, and the Vancouver whatever. And you could’ve had the Barns, I left it all to you.”

Adam’s head spins. “So you—“ he kneads his temples. “So you just disappear, and you think I’m gonna live in your house with your dreams like that’s— normal?”

“Normal?” Ronan says, frustrated. “Obviously not, Parrish. I left you that shit so it wouldn’t have to be normal, so you could have something magic of your own.”

“How generous,” Adam says and Ronan curses.

“I don’t know what else I could’ve done. I was letting you go, because I sure as shit wasn’t making things easier for you, and I know things haven’t been easy for me.”

“So things aren’t easy.” Adam steps closer and clenches his fists before he lets his nervous, sleep-deprived energy get the better of him and shove Ronan or shake him or pull him close. “Obviously they’re not easy. We know this. We live this.”

“If I can find a way to make things easier don’t you think I should?” Ronan asks fiercely. “If I wake up and you’re gone for work and everything’s normal but I feel like dying, like actually dying without you, isn’t that a problem?”

“Ronan,” Adam says, hushed.

“What? Are you uncomfortable? Me too. All this shit in my head makes me real fucking uncomfortable, actually. Sometimes I’m in the middle of laughing and then I remember seeing my mom’s intestines draped over tree roots like litter.”

Adam stays silent, mouth pinched. He knows that people in neighbouring apartments must be able to hear but he can’t— think about caring.

“It’s not like I’m trying to be an asshole here, Adam, for once in my fucking life I’m actually really trying to be better and find a way to reel in some mental health before I try this with you.”

“You’re already ‘trying this’ with me though,” Adam says slowly. “You can’t date me for five months and then decide that I deserve better. You’re only using your half of the variables and you think you’ve solved everything?”

“We’re not testing a fucking hypothesis, Adam, I’m not going to stop hurting if I think a little harder about it.”

“Maybe not, but if you actually communicated with me, maybe we could tear apart your bullshit illogical ideas before they hatch. You’re not going to cure yourself by sweating it out in a desert somewhere. Your plan was going to be living in your car so that you can feel a little reckless and connected to your dad, and then you were going to drink until you felt better, felt less, and then you were going to miss home and realize that all you ever do is miss things, and then—“

“Adam, fuck, stop—“

“And then you’d come home and realize that you’d been gone for too long, that I’d been pissed for too long because you hadn’t bothered to explain yourself. And all you would’ve done is lost me. Lost Gansey’s trust, again.”

Ronan palms both of his eyes and stumbles back into the wall, and Adam feels his throat go very small.

“Talk to me.”

Ronan drops his hands and inhales, quick, almost a sob. “I don’t— I don’t know what to say.”

Adam shakes his head. “How about: ‘I want to thank you for putting up with me, Adam’. ‘I know that I’m not the easiest person to get along with, and you’re constantly working to—‘”

“I don’t want to be the thing that you have to put up with, though, fuck,” Ronan interrupts. “I love you for doing it but I’m such an asshole for letting you.”

Adam sighs heavily, letting himself reach for the front of Ronan’s shirt and feeling his mouth wobble when Ronan’s hand comes up to his wrist.

“You can’t honestly think that I just put up with you.”

Ronan thumbs his pulse and Adam closes his eyes. “You said—“

“That was a bad joke, clearly. I love you, you know this. I tell you all the time.”

Ronan pulls him in the final step and Adam lets himself be hugged like slipping under fragrant bathwater and hearing everything work, letting the warmth soften your muscles. He slips his hand up to his jaw. “It’s harder than I thought,” Ronan says. “Believing someone when they say it.”

“I’m not lying,” Adam says indignantly, and Ronan presses his face into his hair.

“Yeah,” he says. “But what happens when you come to your senses? I’m shit difficult to be with.”

“We’ve been friends for years, and I was a bit convinced we were enemies before that. I already know that you’re difficult, that’s what I’m saying. You’re work. We’re work. Work is the only thing that makes anything matter. We’re not destiny perfect like Gansey and Blue, and I don’t want to be. Do you understand?”

Ronan kisses him so fast that Adam doesn’t have time to kiss back, and then he puts his face down in Adam’s neck and rocks them back into the wall. It’s all so endearing that Adam wants to cry again, with his hands buried in Ronan’s in the pockets of his jacket. It’s so immediately gratifying to be safe like this, to have extinguished a fire before it could burn anything down. He can almost forget how late it is or the now-familiar devastated look on Gansey’s face or the way there was a fork in the road and he chose Ronan over everything that made sense.

“Take me home.”