#the effect is starting to wear off which means i need to write another 1000 words but I Dont Wanna. must be seasonal.

[thegeminisage]

perpetual chicken and egg question are you not writing fanfiction because you're depressed or are you depressed because you're not writing fanfiction. write fanfiction and find out today

[mrarchewannabe]

First Contact and it's Complications

THE FOLLOWING TRANSCRIPT IS A DOCUMENTATION OF FIRST CONTACT OF THE ZEATIKIAN RACE TO HUMANITY 500 CYCLES AGO TRANSLATED INTO COMMON BY THE FEDERATION OF SYSTEMS

Entry 1

Cycle date, 890, Rotation date, 197, at 1300 Ticks

This is head researcher Bea'zikal making a reports on the situation of our scouting of the outer arms of the Galaxy called Geaitza-7, I am unaware how fast these reports will be sent back to HQ, but you've given us premission to proceed how we see fit

Contact, we've made contact with an alien empire that refers to it's self as USH or United Systems of Humanity we absolutely didn't expect contact so soon and especially not a sapient and technologically advanced species such as this; as for the designation for the species itself it refers to a name called 'Humans' which translated to common Zeatikian is 'Huamein' or for the proper scientific term which is dubbed by themselves 'Homo Sapien'. They are quite physically imposing specimens standing 4 to 6 units in height on average and around 30 to 70 Mass Increments in weight and many capable of lifting 2 to 4 times their weight on average with some being recorded lifting 10 times their weight. They are mammals, warm blooded, and come in many different permentations in hair style and skin pigmentation which I have to admit is quite beautiful in its variation. I know this is brief but the crew is excited and worried so I will most likely be busy for quite a awhile doing research and studying, so signing off.

Entry 2

Cycle date, 891, Rotation date, 13, at 200 Ticks

To call the Humans a interesting bunch would be a vast understatement; they are socially rich and vast, containing thousands of different cultures, religions and traditions that have been held for thousands of years. First contact was more or less awkward as you could expect as we had different languages in every conceivable way down to speech, body language, and symbols of mathematics. We spent half a cycle deciphering and trading languages with a ship call the 'USS Omaha' which was a warship and was very plain to see what it's purpose was; we started slow with communication, showing images and photos to convey concepts, places, actions, which of course they provided as well. We managed to get a form of communication going and so far it's working well, we can ask and answer basic questions and we both had quite alot.

Entry 3

Cycle date, 891, Rotation date, 34, at 500 Ticks

Its almost time for both of our ships to dock and meet "face to face" as the humans say, a saying meaning to interact with honor, respect, and business. However there were multiple issues that were obvious and it was that both of our species evolved and lived in two vastly different habitats and therefore exposed to different microorganisms and bacteria; to combat this extensive testing was done in our labs; natural bacteria and microorganisms from our respective homes were exchanged as well as DNA to study the effects the bacteria and microorganisms did to the living cells. Thankfully the complications were few and after a few minor inoculations and another half cycle of waiting it was finally time to make a mark on history; I can't believe it's already been a cycle and a half but I believe it will be worth it.

Entry 4

Cycle date, 891, Rotation date, 35, at 1000 Ticks

The docking procedure went well, mostly due to the special coupling adapter that had to be worked on just outside our ships so that they actually could couple together without something breaking or crumpling. I waited in front of the Airlock with acting Captain Gae'Taek who was rightly paranoid; we still didn't know the humans true intentions but I simply told myself and the crew that they probably felt the same way...hopefully. Gae'Taek was big among our species as he weighed 20 Mass Increments and stood around 2.5 Units tall, truly a massive Zeatikian; but when we met the Humans inside the Coupling bay he looked as a mere child compared to the extremely intimidating size of the Human Captain and his two crewmates who I was told also happened to be researchers themselves in which I found a odd comfort in. The human Captain spoke up "I am pleased to finally meet you in person Captain Gae'Taek" his voice was deep but robotic as they were wearing what seemed like a mix between a hazard suit, environmental suit, and Military Grade Combat Skin, this didn't surprise me after all as the vessel was a warship and a research deck "I am also pleased to meet you as well Head researcher Bea'zikal" he Extended his limb and body forward slightly with his claws- No "Hand" as they called it, open for what Humans called a "Handshake" which was a traditional Greeting that implied respectful and Civilized Behavior. Captain Gae'Taek Hesitated slightly before taking his hand and shaking it lightly, he then reached over in my direction and wished to receive one from me as well, my hesitation was clear but I had mustered the courage to take his hand, I would not be lying if I said I was terrified he would accidentally crush my Claws carapace and all with his powerful hand wrapped in a combat skin. (Note: Humans have the most complex musclar system I've ever observed; layers of various proteins organized into elastic bands stretched over what they call a Skeleton which functions like a Carapace but for the inside and acts as a scaffold for the muscle to latch onto and function) But surprisingly he did not crush my Claw like I thought he would and was actually very careful, who knew that with so much raw power that Humans Fine Motor Control could be so precise. Captain Gae'Taek responded in a respectful tone as well " I am also pleased to meet you as well Captain Maer'ceis I hope we may learn much from one another" (Note: Maer'ceis translated to the Human Language results in Marcus, which he will be refered as the rest of the report) Captain Marcus Bares his teeth which is a sign of happiness and acceptance "I wish the same as well" he spoke "come let me give you a tour of our ship, or atleast everything you've been giving authorization to see" And with that he gave us a tour of the ships facilities which were mostly what they called "recreational" which to me seemed horribly dangerous and would have definitely breached safety regulations back home; that aside I'm excited for what will be coming up next as I hope it will lead to a strong partnership.

I've simplified my previous reports due to the amount of work we've had this past cycle it's been quite stressful, I plan to report on their culture, traditions, history, and economic status; it should be full of details, but I just need time, if something pops up I will let you know - Head Researcher Bea'zikal

(this is the first ever short that I've decided to publish so I apologize if my grammar is off I hope you enjoy and please give me and tips or advice you feel would help improve my writing)

[fic-for-fic-sake]

A Happy Accident

A/N: The other day I found out that Chris Evans may possibly have a sex dungeon? I don’t write real people fics but I knew I HAD to write a Steve Rogers fic about this because I mean...c’mon. Also the text conversation in the fic is indeed a real conversation between my friend and I. 

Pairing: Steve Rogers x reader

Warnings: NSFW, dirty talk, dom/sub, flogging, being tied up, penetrative sex, honorifics, praise kink

Word Count: 5.4k

You knew there was trouble before you even reached the meeting room, it was like a palpable tension you could sense coming from the conference room. You mentally prepared yourself for whatever was to come as you walked in and took your usual spot next to Natasha. 

“Do you have any idea what this is about?” You questioned her, murmuring under your breath since nobody seemed keen to speak above a whisper for the time being. 

“Some kind of security breach, we don’t know how bad yet, we have to wait for Stark.” She explained, speaking in clipped tones. She seemed nervous, which was understandable given the circumstances. A security breach could mean a number of things, none of them good. Anything from weapons tech to secret identities could’ve been revealed in the breach. 

The tension seemed to come to a head when Tony and Steve walked into the room. Everyone erupted into a flurry of activity, peppering the two men with so many questions it was hard to make out what came from who. 

“What was taken?” Someone asked. 

“Was it anything serious?” Someone else wondered. 

“Do we need to scrap the new suit designs?” You asked, adding your voice to the babble. 

“Okay everyone settle down and give Tony some room to think.” Steve urged all of you, forming a one man barrier around Stark. Which you had to admit was rather effective. Once everyone reseated themselves and Steve gave Tony a nod, Tony cleared his throat. 

“By now you all have obviously heard that there’s been a security breach. We don’t know who is behind the breach but so far all that was leaked was text conversations of the following Avengers; Wanda, Sam, Bucky, and Y/N.” 

You felt your heart drop to your stomach. You were a target in the security breach. But why? Why you specifically and why just your text conversations? It seemed rather harmless considering everything else they could’ve taken. 

“Luckily Wanda doesn’t really text anyone because everyone she knows is here. As far as Sam, Bucky, and Y/N are concerned they only leaked conversations from your work phones, meaning your personal phone security isn’t in question.” Tony reassured you all. Well, it reassured Sam and Bucky at least. 

“Um, what do you mean ‘work phone’?” You asked, looking around with a puzzled expression on your face. 

“You do have a burner phone for personal use, right?” Nat asked from beside you. Now your heart was located somewhere in your feet. 

“I didn’t know I needed one.” You whispered, barely contained horror edging its way into your voice. 

“Well, I mean what’s the worst that could be there?” Sam asked, trying to reassure you. Luckily, or unluckily enough, you didn’t have to answer that question because within the coming days they would all find out. 

After the meeting you tried to go about your normal routine and ignore the security breach as best as you could. That got considerably harder the following morning, when the hacker released your private conversations with your friends for all the world to see. They went something like this: 

Sarah: Do you think Steve Rogers is good in bed? 

You: Obviously, dumb question. 

Sarah: Do you think he’s kinky though? 

You: Oh 100%, no way he doesn’t have a secret sex dungeon or something. 

Sarah: Since you’re an Avenger now you should try to find out. 

You: HAHAHAHAHA that’s hilarious and something I’ll never do, in reality. But in theory PUT ME IN COACH! I bet he would probably make me sign an NDA and I would totally be down for that. 

Sarah: I’ll sign a DNR

You: HAA, I would sign the NDA but also have to tell you what’s happening and then I would make you sign an NDA. 

Sarah: Then you’re breaking the NDA??

You: Not if you don’t tell anyone goddamn be cool. 

Sarah: It’s the principle of the thing

You: ...I wonder what kind of dom he is

Sarah: Idk if he’s a daddy. He feels like a Sir or Master. I also think he doesn’t have soft limits, only hard limits. 

You: as much as I would like to think he’s a pleasure dom I don’t think that’s true

Sarah: I agree

You: Maybe a brat tamer? 

Sarah: That feels too tame for him. 

You: Okay so then just a no holds bard whipping dom. I would wait all day in his sex dungeon just to lick his boots when he came home. Does that make me depraved? Probably. 

Sarah: Possibly, I also think he’d degrade the shit out of you, like kinda pet play shit. I also think he has a spreader bar collection. Aaaand an overstimulation kink. 

You: Oh agreed, that and edging. I feel like he would edge you for hours and then leave to go on a mission or something and you’re not allowed to touch yourself and then he comes back hours later and you’re just aching for release. And then only after you’re BEGGING he would let you come. 

Sarah: Oof. How much do you wanna bet his dungeon is like a sensory deprivation thing? Think about it, hours upon hours of not having any form of relief, after begging nonstop, no real form of your senses and then BAM normal orgasm but heightened to the absolute max. 

You: YEP! I bet he’s like the king of aftercare though, like 1000/10 so sweet. Like Steve Rogers is legit such a nice human being so I assume aftercare is the same. 

Sarah: AYO SIR LEMME BE YOUR SUB

You: GOD FORREAL!

Needless to say, you did not leave your room that day. The next day you tried to get away with not leaving your room again but Nat was having none of that. 

“Come on Y/N, I promise it’s not that bad, I’ve said much worse.” She assured you as she practically dragged you out of your room and into the elevator. 

You buried your head in your hands and let out a frustrated scream. “He’s a coworker, Nat, and I totally objectified him and basically said all the filthy things I wanted him to do to me.” 

“And I bet he’s real flattered about it! The man needs a good ego boost every now and then.” She replied with a laugh. To which you responded with another frustrated scream and a kick to the elevator doors as they opened. “I bet he didn’t even read it, I doubt anyone on the team did.” She said, sounding certain in her own thinking. She half convinced you until you walked into the training room and every pair of eyes turned to you, including Steve’s baby blues. Fuck. 

“Okay we’re working in a group today people, focusing on enhanced individuals with external powers. Wanda and Y/N against Sam, Bucky, and Steve.” Nat announced, opening the door to the special training facility. So you and Wanda wouldn’t trash too much of Stark’s equipment with your powers. 

“Hey Y/N, you been to any good sex dungeouns recently? I’m looking for one.” Sam quipped as you made your way to the starting point. Before you could even think about what you were doing the smell of ozone was ripe in the air and you sent a bolt of lightning hurtling towards Sam who was barely able to dodge it in time. 

“Sorry...hand slipped.” You mock apologized, making it clear that you would have another ‘hand slip’ if he didn’t keep his mouth shut. He got the point well enough but the damage was already done. The tension was worse now than when you first found out about the breach, everyone trying not to bring up the elephant in the room. 

Nat cleared her throat and started her countdown and then the training began in earnest. After an hour you were all panting and sweating, utterly spent from your session. Steve passed everyone a water bottle and you took it gratefully, chugging the cool liquid in earnest. It was then that another comment was made, this time by Bucky. 

“Thanks for the aftercare daddy.” He mocked as he opened his own water bottle. Once again the smell of ozone was in the air but you didn’t have a chance to meet your target before Steve had Bucky pressed against the wall, his forearm digging into the other man’s throat. 

“That’s enough.” He growled through his teeth. Everyone was silent for a minute and you almost felt sorry for the deer in the headlights look Bucky was now wearing on his face, almost. A shower of frustrated sparks extinguished all the lights in the room as you stormed from the room, embarrassment trailing after you. 

That had been four hours ago and you hadn’t left your room, despite Natasha banging on the other side of your door. You had asked FRIDAY not to open it for anyone unless given your express permission. It seemed even the AI knew what kind of a mess you had landed yourself into, as she was immediately understanding of such a request. You were in the process of ordering a burner phone off of Amazon when there was a knock at your door. 

“Nat, I don’t care how many books you offer to buy me, I’m NOT coming out of this room.” You yelled into the empty space of your room. 

“Noted, but uh, it’s Steve. Can we talk?” You were at the door before he finished his sentence. You opened it no more than a crack, not courageous enough to do more. 

“I don’t wanna talk to you, I’m mortified.” You mumbled, looking down at your feet instead of the imposing figure outside of your door. Steve gently pushed on the door with his hand and you let him open it the rest of the way. He brought gentle fingers to your chin and tilted your head back so you were looking into his eyes. 

“There’s nothing to be mortified about, sweetheart. I just wanna talk.” He replied beseechingly. And maybe it was the tone of his voice, or the way he looked at you, but you relented and let him in, closing the door softly behind you. 

“Listen, I’m really sorry for what I said. I obviously never thought it would see the light of day but that’s not an excuse and doesn’t make it okay. Fuck, Steve I’m so sorry. I can get reassigned if you want, have SHIELD put me somewhere else.” You rattled off apologies and half baked plans before you felt his hands gently clasp your shoulders and once again you were forced to look up into his eyes which had gone saucer wide. 

“Doll what are you talking about? You don’t need to be reassigned, it's not that big of a deal.” He said, in an attempt to comfort you. 

“Not a big deal? I practically accused you of having a sex dungeon and being a mega dom.” You blurted out, mortification making your voice rise half an octave. 

He let out a soft sigh before he sat down on the edge of your bed, “It’s not like you were completely in the wrong.” He replied, and that’s when your brain short circuited. 

“What? You have a sex dungeon?” 

“Well, it’s not a dungeon, it's just my bedroom, but yes I do, partake in those types of things you described.” He explained, his voice as even and calm as if he were discussing the weather. 

“Oh.” Was all you could really bring yourself to say. 

“Oh? That’s all? I have to say you were much more articulate in your texts.” He teased, his voice suddenly becoming deeper and taking on an air of authority that wasn’t there a second ago. “Tell me what you’re thinking.” 

And again, maybe it was because of his tone or because of the absurdity of the situation you found yourself in but you answered him honestly. “I’m thinking I’m absolutely mortified that my coworker found out how badly I want him to fuck me.” 

“What else?” He prompted. You couldn’t breathe properly, he was taking all the air from the room and the intensity in his gaze pinned you to the spot, like an unsuspecting doe finding itself at the barrel of a gun. 

“I’m wondering how correct my predictions were. What kind of a dom you are.” 

“Would you like to find out?” 

“Yes.” You answered before you could think better of it. The second the word left your mouth your eyes went wide at the confession. Because you did want to find out, God did you want to find out what kind of shit Steve Rogers, the golden boy, was into. 

“Then we have ourselves a deal. You want to find out what I’m into and I want to show you.” 

“Right now?” You asked, breathless. You could feel your core ache at the suggestion, the want plain as day. 

He chuckled before he moved to stand before you. “No pretty girl, not yet.” He whispered, bringing his right hand up to cup your cheek and stroke his thumb across the expanse of your lips. “First we have to talk about a few things.” 

“Like what?” You questioned, completely enraptured by this man, finding yourself willing to submit to whatever he wanted you to. You were terrified by how much the prospect excited you. 

“Like exactly what you want me to do to you. Your texts were very...explicit. But, that may have just been talk. I need to know specifics if this is going to work.” Steve explained, backing you up until you hit your dresser. Without a word he lifted you on top of it and stood between your legs, one of his hands tracing absent minded patterns on your thigh. 

It was hard to think with him in such close proximity but you tried to clear your mind because you really wanted this, your mouth went dry at the thought. “I want...I want to be tied up. And I want to be blindfolded. And whipped.” It felt weird to lay your desires out plain before you like this. It made you feel exposed, but it was also oddly empowering. 

Steve nodded his head at your requests. “You mentioned something to your friend about edging and orgasm denial, is that something you still wanted to try?” 

“Yes, but not, not yet. I’ve never um, I haven’t- I’ve never been kinky with a partner.” You explained to him, feeling an embarrassing heat creeping up your face. 

“Hey, no need to be embarrassed, we all start somewhere.” Steve insisted, bringing his hands up to settle on your hips. “Anything else?” After you shook your head he gave you a nod in reassurance. “Okay, I’ll be in touch.” He said as he stepped away from you. 

That was three days ago and you hadn’t heard anything from him on the matter since. You had trained with him, went for a run with him, had the usual team meetings and exchanged the usual pleasantries but nothing out of the ordinary. You had even gone far enough in your wandering mind to think that maybe you imagined the whole interaction. 

On Friday, you were told that Steve had gone away on a mission and by that point the team was done teasing you about the leaked conversation, already having moved on to the next thing. You had made plans to go out with them that night to a community outreach thing in Manhattan. You had just gotten your jeans on when a piece of paper slid across your floor from the door. 

You walked over to it, thinking someone had just dropped their paper, when you saw what was written on the other side of it.

Text an excuse to Stark for the outreach and then come to my room. -SR 

Your heartbeat sped up to a gallop as you read the message through two more times, just to be certain. This was it, it was happening. With shaky fingers you texted Tony a flimsy excuse about draft reports you needed to finish before you put your phone back on your desk and calmly made your way to Steve’s room. 

You went to knock but found the door slightly ajar. Taking that as your cue you stepped into Steve Rogers room. While it wasn’t the first time you had been here, it was certainly a circumstance that you weren’t used to. Everything seemed...different somehow. The curtains were drawn and the only light came from dim overhead lighting. There was a faint scent of jasmine that you assumed came from a candle or incense burner you couldn’t see somewhere. On the bed, the sheets had been changed to something that looked like silk and resting on top was an eye mask and two long chords of rope. Which seemed innocuous enough, current circumstances notwithstanding. 

“Shut the door and lock it please.” A voice commanded from a shadow in the corner of the room. As soon as you locked the door Steve Rogers emerged from the shadows in an all black version of his Captain America suit. You had never seen him in such a suit before and the sight of him in it made your mouth water and your knees buckle. This was really happening. 

“I have to admit, when I read your text conversation I was surprised to say the least. I didn’t know how many dirty thoughts resided in that head of yours but you did not disappoint, did you sweetheart?” He questioned as he made his way over to where you stood, rooted to your spot by the door. He gently pressed against your shoulder and you followed his lead, letting him back you against the door, his strong hands landing on either side of your head, arms caging you in. “And then when we spoke, you were /very/ specific in what you wanted and I am nothing if not obliging, you’ll find.” He whispered into your ear and you couldn’t help the small moan that escaped your mouth at the implication behind his words. 

“Are you ready to be my good girl? Hmm sweetheart?” 

“Yes Steve.” You whispered, your mind not being able to form anything other than those words. 

He made a slight tsking sound. “In here, don’t call me Steve. It’s Captain. Got it?” 

“Yes Captain.” You replied obediently. 

“Good girl, now get undressed for me.” He commanded, stepping back to give you room to complete his task. With nervous fingers you lifted your shirt above your head and undid the clasp on your bra. You watched as Steve’s eyes took in your exposed top half, he licked his lips which made you shiver in turn. Confidence growing by his visible excitement you unbuttoned your jeans and slipped them down your legs along with your panties, until you were gloriously naked before him. 

“God, you're so beautiful sweetheart. I’m already getting hard and all you’ve done is get undressed.” He praised you as he palmed himself through his tac pants. “Come here pretty girl.” He insisted as he picked up the blindfold. 

You walked over to him and turned around as he secured the blindfold against your eyes and tied it for you. “Now, we’re gonna use a color system, okay? Green means you’re okay to keep going, Yellow means to slow down, and Red means stop. Can you remember that doll?” 

“Yes Captain.” You murmured as you adjusted to not being able to see. You tuned into your other senses to rely on what was happening. You felt Steve take your hand and walk you over until you reached the side of the bed. He helped you up before asking you to lay down on your back. 

“Okay pretty girl I’m gonna tie you up now.” He told you as you felt both of his hands take your left arm and maneuver it above your head before securing your wrist in place with rope. He pressed a gentle kiss to the spot before repeating the process with your other arm. “How do you feel sweetheart?” 

“Good Captain, I feel good.” You told him as your heartbeat kicked up another notch. You felt him take your left leg with gentle fingers and tie your ankle to the baseboard of the bed. You gasped as he secured your right ankle, knowing you were now naked and spread bare before him. You felt the bed dip as he kneeled over you and brought his mouth down to whisper in your ear. 

“What’s your color baby?” 

“Green.” You replied. Almost immediately you felt his lips press against yours, desperate and hungry for you. You kissed back with a fervor you didn’t know you possessed. It was a strange sensation, kissing someone you couldn’t touch let alone see, but that didn’t make it unpleasant. You felt blissfully detached from your body and the need raced down to your pussy until you had the sudden urge to close your legs and hide your arousal. 

Steve chuckled against your mouth as his left hand snaked down to see what you were trying in vain to hide. “So eager for me and we’ve hardly started” He lazily swiped his fingers along your folds to feel the wetness that gathered there. He then brought the same hand up to your breast and worked your juices around your nipple, making you groan at the sheer wantonness of it all. Steve happily swallowed your groan with his mouth, his tongue taking the opportunity to pass your lips. 

You fervently kissed him back as his ministrations against your nipple continued. His lips left yours and left a trail of hot kisses down your throat and over to your neglected right nipple. You felt him blow cold air on it and your back bowed against the bed, your arms straining against the restraints. He scraped his teeth against your sensitive bud and you couldn’t help the noises that escaped your mouth. 

“Oh fuck, Captain.” You let out as he took your nipple into his mouth. You could feel his left hand leave your nipple and you let out a whine of protest. He only laughed against your skin before you heard the faint opening of a drawer. Your ears picked up the sound of him rummaging around for something but you couldn’t focus too much on that as the rest of your body was alight with fire as he continued to work on your nipple with his mouth. He finally found what he was looking for in the drawer and he released your nipple with a wet popping sound before you felt his weight shift and he removed himself from you. 

“You mentioned something about being whipped.” He teased, and you could hear that his own arousal had made his voice hoarse. Your cunt throbbed in response. “Do you know what a flogger is pretty girl?” 

“Yes Captain.” You replied from your position on the bed. Your mouth went dry at the mental image you had of Steve in his black tac suit with a flogger in hand. How would he use it on you? Would it hurt? Be pleasant? The anticipation was eating you up in the best of ways. 

“Good girl. We’re gonna do some counting. Since this is your first time we won’t do too many, just ten. But you have to count them pretty girl. If you forget, or lose count, we start over. Do you understand?” 

Oh fuck. “Yes Captain.” You heard him chuckle from somewhere above you before you heard the whoosh of the flogger and the sensation on your skin. You gasped as the leather straps came down hard against your left nipple. “One.” The second one came down against your right nipple and you found that your pussy clenched around nothing. “Two.” 

Numbers three, four, and five were placed on your nipples and your stomach.

“Halfway there pretty girl, you’re doing so well.” Steve’s voice came from somewhere around you. A thin layer of sweat had broken out over your skin and your arousal was through the roof. You found yourself panting in anticipation of the next strike. It came, the leather striking against your dripping center and you let out a gasp as your back arched off of the silk sheets. “Six” 

“Oh you liked that one didn’t you sweetheart?” Steve teased. 

“Yes Captain.” You replied breathlessly. Number seven came in the same spot and another lewd sound left your mouth as the flogger found its spot. Numbers eight and nine he placed on the sensitive insides of your thighs. 

“Last one pretty girl. You’ve taken it so well I’ll let you decide where this last one goes.” 

“Hit my pussy again, please, I want it so bad Captain.” You practically pleaded. Under any other circumstances you would’ve been ashamed at how pathetic you sounded but you didn’t care. Steve Rogers was doing depraved things to you and you couldn’t think straight. You just wanted him to keep doing what he was doing, to take all of you, every tiny nook and cranny of your being until he knew your pleasures like the back of his hand. 

“Such a needy girl, maybe after the flogger I’ll give you a reward.” He replied, sounding pleased with you, before he placed the tenth and final flog against your aching core. “God you look so sexy like this, blindfolded and tied to my bed, maybe I should leave you here as my own personal fucktoy, would you like that baby?” He asked as he inserted two fingers into your mouth. 

You mumbled your response against the digits, your pussy getting wetter at the thought of him using you like that. You were only half kidding when you had texted your friend about it but now, with your arousal so strong, it sounded more and more enticing. Steve removed his fingers from your mouth and brought them down to your sensitive center, rubbing them up and down your slit before inserting them into your slick heat. You gasped at the intrusion and felt your hips buck up in response to being filled. 

Your walls fluttered around his fingers as he began to pump them at a leisurely pace. You felt him make his way down your body to nestle himself between your spread legs and then his hot breath was fanning out over your cunt as his fingers continued to fuck you. “You look so good, pretty girl. Spread open for me like my own personal feast. God you’re so wet. I guess you like to be flogged.” He spoke, the filthy words that left his lips making you wetter than you already were. Without warning he brought his tongue to you and kitten licked your clit, sending a shockwave through your system. 

He took your clit in his mouth and sucked as he continued to work you with his fingers. You fruitlessly tugged against your restraints and bucked your hips in an attempt to get the friction you so desperately needed. 

“God sweetheart you taste better than I imagined.” Steve commented as his tongue lapped up your juices. “I bet I’ll be able to taste you on my tongue for a week.” 

“Fuck, Captain, please can I cum?” You begged, tears wetting the inside of your mask from the intensity of your session. 

“Come for me baby, let me feel you come on my fingers.” Steve commanded and that was your undoing. The knot that had been building inside of you was finally released and you came loudy around his fingers. You felt him lick you through the aftershocks. 

“Talk to me, pretty girl, how are you feeling?” Steve questioned, voice hot once again by your ear. His suit gently pressing against your overstimulated skin. “Give me a color.” He asked, pressing a gentle kiss to your jawline. 

“I’m good Captain, still Green.” You responded, coming down from your orgasm. 

“Such a good girl for your Captain. You’re doin’ so well pretty girl.” He said as he left the bed. You weren’t sure where he went until you felt his dexterous fingers undoing the ropes on your left leg. “I’m undoing the leg ropes first. And then I’m going to fuck you senseless like I’ve been wanting to do since I saw those damn text messages.” Your spent cunt clenched around nothing, as you eagerly waited for him to undo the other leg restraint. You could hear him undo the many zippers and clasps on his tac suit until the bed dipped and he was once again between your legs. 

This time skin met skin as you felt his upper thighs press between yours as he brought himself closer to you still. You felt the tip of his cock slide between your wet folds before slipping inside. The breath was stolen from your lungs at the feel of him sinking into your waiting cunt. A low moan left your mouth as you felt every perfect inch of him spreading you until he bottomed out and his hips nestled perfectly against your own. 

You felt his forehead press against your own. “Fuck you feel perfect, you know that pretty girl? My perfect little pussy.” He breathed against your mouth as he let you adjust to him. He retracted himself from you fully before swiftly filling you up again. Any noise you may have made was swallowed as he kissed you with a hunger you didn’t think was possible. What started as a slow rhythm quickly changed until he was snapping into you with a fervor akin to a madman. 

Your hips eagerly met his thrusts and soon your combined pants and skin slapping filled the room. Still blindfolded, you felt the moment his hand wrapped around your neck and squeezed just so. That had your walls flutter around him and your hips stuttered. 

“Oh you like that don’t you? You like when I choke you huh pretty girl?” He asked eagerly, his voice husky from moaning. 

“Yes, fuck, please Captain, fuck me.” You rasped out. You grunted as he brought his other hand down to press your hips into the mattress before he slammed into you at a relentless pace. Eventually, his hand left your throat to play with your bundle of nerves. 

“Come on pretty girl. Come for me.” He ordered and you were only too happy to comply. You came hard around him, enough that you saw stars behind the blindfold and Steve let out a string of curses and praises for you as he pulled out of you and you felt his cum paint your stomach. 

You had a moment to catch your breath as you heard Steve pad over to what you assumed was the bathroom. He came back and placed a warm washcloth against your skin, cleaning up the combined mess you both made. Then you felt his hands move up to untie the blindfold around your eyes. You squinted into the low light of the room and were shocked to see Steve bare chested and glistening with sweat before you. 

“Hi.” You murmured shyly, finding that some of your confidence had left you along with the blindfold. Seeing him like this, because of you, because of what you had done, somehow cemented this moment in reality. There was no turning back now. 

“Hi yourself, how do you feel?” He asked as he undid the ropes around your wrists. 

“I um wow, I feel great.” You said and realized it was true. In the afterglow of the scene you felt amazing. Sexy and empowered and utterly spent but undeniably amazing. 

“You did great.” Steve assured you as he took lotion into his hands and massaged the areas on your wrists and ankles where the ropes had been. He placed a gentle kiss on each palm when he was done and went to get you a glass of water. “Drink all of this.” 

You took the glass from his hands and drank deep. Appreciating the cool feeling of the water as it slid down the column of your throat, you didn’t realize how thirsty you had become. You finished the glass and handed it back to Steve, who placed it on one of his bedside tables. 

“Good girl.” He praised and you felt yourself blush in response. He noticed. “Do you like being praised, sweetheart?” 

“Yes Captain.” You nodded. 

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He replied as he helped you into one of his shirts and placed you underneath the covers. He rested beside you and wrapped you in his strong arms. “You did so well today for your first time. It wasn’t too much for you was it?” 

“No, I really liked it.” You reassured him. He pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead with a promise to discuss it more after you slept some.

[written-beyond-the-grave]

Mikaelsons Black History Month

First off, I’m starting by saying that even though it is no longer Black history month it will always be melanin everyday and black people every day. And everything else under the sun, and if you don’t like it then the exit is to your left. Everything you own in the box to the left

Being part of the Mikaelsons is very fickle business and be some bs. Like really, you’re here with supernatural beings who are over 1000 years old. Who have traveled the world, gained endless knowledge, seen a lot of bloodshed, but you know what they haven’t seen? Their token human (black ofc) being ignant for black history month, I mean who even fully celebrates? How does one even celebrate?

Granted, they’re not racist. But with the writing Julie Pleck did she was playing honestly. That was the worst writing I've ever seen since who knows when. Maybe the nine lives of Chloe king or something? But in my originals universe they were probably racist in the beginning to an extent then grew out of it.

Anyways, they never met someone who celebrated until they met you!

Now repeat after me: I’m black y’all, and I’m black y’all. And I’m black and black and black y’all! FYM

Now…. picture this: A moderately quiet day in the Mikaelson household. Kol is minding his business for once, Rebekah is trying to find the perfect pics for her next instagram post, Elijah is enjoying a good read, and Klaus is organizing his art materials. But then here comes you, the human, opening the door and walking right in like you pay bills (none of them do but you get the picture) in the midst of the most deadly people. Walking in and greeting everyone, walking in with the most hotep, Dr. Umar bullshit getup they ever seen. Coming to America headass.

They recognize your footsteps from a mile away, so when you walk into the kitchen and no one really looks up at first it’ll be a sight to see a whole ass pelted lion on your back. The kente cloth hat (no idea the actual name for it, sorry babes), a saber tooth necklace (for my mans T’Challa), and the red stiletto nails with the afro out here banging.

SHEEEEEEEEESH

Once Elijah is done with his page he looks up to greet you, but then stops… Bitch, fuck is you wearing? This was worlds away from the sweats, and skinny jeans you wore on the daily.

“Greetings Y/N you look…. Fashionable.” Mans didn’t know what to say. Did he miss something about your Africna roots? Was there a holiday he hadn’t heard of, doubt it, but what else was there?

“Thank you Elijah.” You fluff out your lion pelt for added effect, if there was ever going to be one time you outdo the Mikaelsons’ especially Elijah in being dramatic with a coat or cloak of somesort, it would be now.

At this point the Kol and Rebekah have already looked up and were confused. Why are you dressed like that?

Kol is the first one to speak up “Darling, Rebekah likes a fashion show more than anyone, but why do you have a lion… on your shoulder.”

Lifting up your large ass shades you supplied an answer: “Black History Month”

They all looked at each other… they didn’t get it. Like they know what it is, but never actually understood how to celebrate and all that nor did they ever actually give it mind. When you saw that they weren’t making a connection, you started phase 1.

“Alexa, you know what to do.”

And there goes their manor playing: NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA I’M ONE HUNDRED PERCENT NIGGA

LMFAOOOOO you got the white people shook. Klaus just dropped one of his expensive ass bottles of art sealants and is vamp speeding to the kitchen to figure out what the hell is going on. Elijah having a mid century crisis on how tf they even found you and deemed you worthy of being in their presence so casually. Kol is having fun in the back, still laughing at your get up. And Rebekah wishes she went to the mall instead, she wanted a girl bestie and got you instead rip

“WHAT IN BLAZES- Y/N WHAT ARE YOU DO- WHAT ARE YOU WEARING! ALEXA STOP THE MUSIC-” And the big bad wolf has arrived. You put your finger to Klaus’ lips which stuns him bc… you’re still HOOOMAN like damn, death wish much? And you look this man, straight in his mit and say “Looks at, look at me” and pause for dramatic affect, “I am the captain now”

Room silent as hell till Kol starts cackling

You’ve made Dr. Umar proud, the ancestors are shining on you once again

With that you lead into a whole speech about the black struggle and black history month, bottom line: REPARATIONS. Because being the only nigga in the Mikaelsons (we don’t claim Marcel) is exhausting, white people shit everyday that you complain about in their faces

TBH at this point they’re indulging you in this escapade.

First victim is Elijah, you ask for his wallet. He gives you a look, I mean he does technically give you what you want and whatever (when y’all dating, refer back to my dating Elijah post), so he ask you why. Reparations sis why, but then you stop yourself. This man gives you his wallet every other day, half the time you not even asking. What could you rob this man of…. Ah. You ask him for the deed of one of his estates in Prague, why? Because you bitches can’t even spell Prague. And under section S line 45 subsection Y it does state that estates are eligible for reparations. Fuck 40 acres and a mule, you got 300 acres, some stallions in the back, a quite possibly haunted mansion, and a heavy dicked (yeah I said it, a sis been trying to reality shift) original who will turn you out by the end of the day and the end of the month…. Wait till women's history month boo

We know his pockets figgity fat, and it would be figgity wack to not get some

Ngl you take Kol with you so he can buy you food. Granted, he knows what you’re doing, but if he’s going to spend money on anything it will be thawed and it will be music. However, one thing leads to another and you’re both at Wal-Mart waiting to find a parking spot. You stole one off a white minivan trying to move in. Not thinking anything of it because who in this small ass Mystic Falls ass, clown ass town really about it? Apparently Karen.

But you know who else what about it? Kol (tbh mans had nothing but time, and he claims you so why tf not.) he out here NY stomping on her and coming at her for badly glued extensions. Cheap ass bitch, ain’t even blend in correctly.

After that Kol and you left with some groceries, a new story to tell, and a chopped cheese.

With Klaus, he frfr wasn’t finna do shit. Being ordered my a human? Lmfao, go find another simp sis. But… once you suggest that his art skills may not be up to par on what you have in mind as a new family room piece for your house he’s all ears. He knows what you’re doing, but… he still wants to prove you wrong. But anyways, you give him a theme… reverse racism. IK y’all, it’s not a thing, but mans has ideas. And he outdoes himself. That and the recreation of the moorish chief bc that man...mmmmm that man was giving.

Ok so Google wanna hoe me, but there was a painting of a black man in a kkk cloak and behind him were white people being hung from a tree. Say what you want, but that photo was fire. If any of you seen it please share it below.

Anyways

Rebekah tbh wants no part in this, but I feel like she’d gave when you ask her to give you all the finest dresses bc it’s an excuse to exhaust Klaus’ money.

Through the month you give the Mikaelsons a run for their money, and maybe sanity. Klaus is in the back trying to research who tf Dr. Umar is and why is he your inspiration

They had to pull you back when the sheriff asked you for your ID. You ask why you needed white man paperwork!

You are pleasing the spirits, what bonnie could never do lmfaooooo. The powers of you enemies aren’t prospering this month nor next month.

You’re not poor this month, anything you poor of is pouring a little more (bars nigga)

LMFAOOOO imaging asking the fam to go to paris, like, they not invited it’s a self trip funded my the Mikaelson Y/N Trust Fund of Public Decency ™

Klaus would be the first one to speak because this man is TIRED, “Love, why do you need a trip to paris? What’s in Paris?”

Knowing better, you look to Kol to answer the question, “I don’t know, Kol, who’s in Paris?” Niggas b. Niggas in paris…. Lemme chill

LMFAOOO enjoy

[lazywitchling]

Dabbler’s Week - research proposal edition

I say “Research proposal” because this isn’t so much going to be what I’d ACTUALLY use as a guide, it’s just the STRUCTURE I’d use to write the guide, and why I chose what I did. For a little background on what the hell is going on, see @asksecularwitch‘s post here.

Monday - Spellwork

What: A simple candle-and-petition-paper spell. Dabbler chooses what they want, but with the instruction that it is straightforward, specific, and tangible. The Drake-Meme format would be: “I want to increase my wealth” ✋ - “I want ten bucks in the coming week” 👈 The spell is written out exactly as performed, really hand-holdy, Do This, Then This, Next This, Finally This.

Why: Look, if I were brand new and gonna pick a “dabble in witchcraft for a week” thing, I’d want to start out doing some effin’ witchcraft. So we’ll start with casting a spell. It’s written super hand-holdy because at the beginning, you really just want some step-by-step instructions on what to do. Also a week is a good time frame to give a spell, and casting it at the beginning gives it a chance to manifest by the end of the week. And FURTHERMORE, it’s a surprise tool that will help us later...

Tuesday - Cleansing a Space

What: Dabbler picks out a space to cleanse, told that the space they choose will be made into a sacred space tomorrow. They will play music of their choosing (with a few suggestions to get them started, just so nobody’s floundering, aka “relaxing yoga music, or something loud and peppy, your favorite childhood song, a meme song that makes you laugh, etc.”) while they also mundanely clean the space.

Why: Cleansing is one of those Cornerstone Witchy Things that everyone talks about offhandedly, like “cleanse your space after this spell”, and giving the Dabbler a simple way of doing that is a good first tool to have in their bag. Music is freely available, and it’s customizable, and playing music while doing a mundane cleaning associates the Magical Cleaning with the Mundane Cleaning in their mind, so they get a sense of “clean vibes” as related to “clean space”. Sidenote: the space can be a shelf, a box, a corner of the room, whatever. Might have some notes in there about other things they can add to their cleansing, like the usual magical washes or sprays, lighting a candle, or whatever. Nothing too complicated at this point, though, we’re still taking baby steps.

Wednesday - Creating a Sacred Space

What: The Dabbler picks out items they already have on hand to create a sacred space in the area that was cleansed the day before (the shelf, box, corner, whatever). Sacred here meaning “Set apart; special”, not necessarily “holy; religious”. Dabbler is encouraged to decorate and arrange things until they feel it has the proper vibe.

Why: This is to encourage the Dabbler to think about the mundane things around their own home, and how those things can be magical just by Deciding That They Are. The idea is not necessarily to create an Altar, though it can also work as practice for that should the Dabbler later choose to have one. In my own practice, I don’t have a permanent Sacred Space, because it doesn’t really fit what I do or how I live. But I tried making some when I first started, and I think it was an important learning point. Now, when I feel that I DO need a sacred space, I’m able to whip one up with whatever is around, and I think that’s a great skill to have. It’s helpful to know and feel what “Sacred” or “Special” feels like to the individual, what it takes for you to really vibe with a space or setting. My spaces are more about reining in my hyperactive brain and creating a boundary for it to focus on, not about creating a holy circle of ground, but I know what that distinction feels like BECAUSE of the times I dabbled in creating sacred spaces. This is when your brain gets to learn what It’s Witchin’ Time feels like.

Thursday - Herbal Correspondences

What: The Dabbler goes to their own kitchen or garden and picks out three spices, herbs, and/or flowers (that they 100% know what they are). At this point, it isn’t necessary to actually gather them, just to write down what is easily accessible at that moment. They then check out the Wikipedia article on their chosen herbs, and build their own correspondence list from that article.

Why: “Whoa whoa whoa, Jes, why are you suggesting Wikipedia??” Oh easy. Because it’s accessible, it’s free, and it’s not witchy. Wikipedia gets a bad rap as a resource for a variety of reasons, but for what it does, it does well. It’s an encyclopedia, so it is by nature a surfacey resource. That’s okay. That’s all we need right now. Instead of googling magical correspondences of cinnamon and finding 1000+ lists that all copied from a copy of a copy of a copy of Crowley and then not knowing WHY that thing has that correspondence, the Dabbler is going to learn to make their own by starting a (very basic) relationship with that herb. Example: I was trying to research magical correspondences of base oils, but everything I found was one-word answers, most of which was “fertility”. Which was... entirely not helpful. So I set out to make my own. Specific example: I looked into castor oil (according to “magickal” sources, it’s correspondence is simply “protection”), but my mundane research taught me that it’s been used for hydraulic and brake fluids, used in food preservation, sold as a laxative, and historically has been used as torture and humiliation (with the laxative effect, I’m sure you can figure out exactly how). Well NOW we’re getting somewhere, because now I associate it with “getting things moving”, whether in a negative or positive way. Having the Dabbler learn to do mundane research like this helps strengthen their relationship with what they use, teaches them that they can research their own materials without needing another Witch (or an Amazon Lisa) to do it for them, and teaches them that they can use what they have on hand rather than consulting a magical list of things they don’t have and wondering where the hell they’re supposed to buy white willow bark.

Friday - Divination

What: The Dabbler will gather small trinkets that they already have and collect them in a box or bag. They then ask questions (possibly with the aid of a list of suggested questions?) and draw a trinket (or cast a couple, if they’re feeling adventurous!) and interpret.

Why: I love Tarot as much as the next witch, but it’s not always practical for the starting witch. And in my experience, I can be dragged just as hard by my trinkets as I can by my traditional tarot decks. Gathering trinkets is (again, as you’re starting to see a theme, I hope) a way to use what is already on hand. And after the Wikipedia exercise from the previous day, the Dabbler should have a little bit of practice in thinking about associations. The action figure their nephew left at their house can mean “lost” but it can also mean “found”, or it’s Spiderman and means “responsibility” or Wonder Woman means “truth”, etc.

Saturday - Crafting a Charm

What: The Dabbler will create a simple charm (most likely a protective one, but I’m not married to the idea). They’ll use their own skills to hand make something tangible, however simple it may be. Could be crafting a keychain using their beading skills, or embroidering a small design onto their jeans pocket, or as simple as wrapping a colored thread around a ring they wear. Whatever it is, it will be a thing that they make with their hands.

Why: We’re falling away from the railroad guidelines at this point in the week, and encouraging the Dabbler to start thinking on their own about what they can do. There’s still suggestions so they don’t get totally lost, but it’s far less hand-holdy than the first spell of the week. With two whole exercises about thinking through associations of things, hopefully they can start to come to conclusions on their own (”You know, I think I’ll hang a safety pin from the keychain, because that just Feels Right to me” or “This string should be blue, because that’s the color of my protective gloves at work”). And the second purpose of the charm is... it’s a tangible thing. It’s a souvenir. If at the end of the week the Dabbler decides that they had fun but witchcraft isn’t for them, cool. But maybe three years down the line, they find that keychain they made during Witch Camp Week, and they think “Oh hey, I remember doing that...” and perhaps it comes to them at exactly the time they need it and they decide to pick it up again. (Or they find it and go “lol that wasn’t for me” and chuck it in the trash. Failure is always an option!)

Sunday - Spellwork Redux

What: Get in losers, we’re casting the same spell again. Well, not the SAME spell, but the same sort. That candle spell from the beginning of the week? The Dabbler will now repeat it with similar purpose. BUT, this time they are to modify the spell somehow. Even less guidelines here now. Maybe they want to perform the spell in their sacred space. Maybe they want to cleanse before performing it. Maybe they want to sprinkle some herbs on the candle, or steep some herbs in hot water and use a brush to write on the paper. Whatever they do is theirs to decide.

Why: EXPERIMENTATION. Really, how often do any of us see a cool spell and then perform it EXACTLY AS WRITTEN? I don’t know about you, but I always always always have to modify it somehow, whether it’s to fit what I have, fit my paradigm, or just because personalization is important in my craft. Redoing the spell with a little bit of tweaking means the Dabbler gets to close off the week with a little more of that Witches Casting Spells stuff that they probably expected, but with a chance to see how they can change it now, how they can make it more suited to them, or how they think it might work better. Maybe it will work better. Maybe it will be worse. Either way is a result.

Conclusion - or the TL;DR

Guidelines at the beginning of the week, transitioning to more creative freedom by the end of the week. Heavy encouragement of using what’s freely on hand and easily accessible, rather than buying specialty materials that may or may not be helpful or ever used again (not to mention could be hella expensive). Some spells, because let’s be honest, some people just really really want the spellz. And mundane research, because it’s too often neglected even among the veteran witches.

[duhragonball]

Time Patrol Chronology

75 Million Years Ago: Chronoa and Mechikabura are two Core People and rivals for the position of Supreme Kai of Time.   They’re assigned to raise a Tokitoki egg, but during this job, Mechikabura tries to speed up the process with dark magic and that messes things up.    He then attempted to raise a phony Tokitoki named Dokidoki.     Mechikabura’s wickedness was eventually exposed, and he was banished to “a space beyond time”, which is either the Crack of Time or what would eventually become the Demon Realm.    

During this time, Demigra, Putine, and Gravy were underlings of Mechikabura, and Demigra attempted his own evil plot involving Tokitoki.    He was later exposed and banished to the Crack of Time.    I’m not clear on whether this happened before or after Mechikabura’s exile.  

Sealas, First Time Patroller: This guy was a Galactic Patrolman whom Chronoa recruited, but he couldn’t handle the darker side of maintaining the timeline.    After witnessing one of Kid Buu’s primordial rampages, Sealas becomes disillusioned and tries to turn against Chronoa, only to get sealed in the Crack of Time.    Later, he returns and tries to destroy all of history so he can start over fresh.   Sort of like Sensui from Yu Yu Hakusho except, no it’s exactly like that, the guy who writes Dragon Ball Heroes is a hack.

Dark Demon Realm Saga: Chronoa confronts Trunks about his alterations to the past, and recruits him for the Time Patrol.    Trunks and Chronoa track down the Dark Demon Realm Army, led by Towa and Mira.  Their objective is to gather energy to release the seal on the Demon Realm.   Also they have Bardock working for them thanks to a mind control mask.    Trunks liberates Bardock, so they team up against Mira until  Towa orders a retreat.

Towa then executes her plan to bring her dead brother Dabura back to life.  Unclear if she actually resurrects him or just alters the timeline to circumvent his death.  They fight the Time Patrol, but are eventually defeated and then Broly runs in and attacks them?    Okay?

Dark Empire Saga: Towa uses her stolen energy reserves to release Mechikabura from the Crack of Time.    The Dark Demon Realm Army then becomes the Dark Empire.   Why all these name changes.    Mechikabura is old and weak, so Towa proposes using the Dark Dragon Balls to restore his youth.   To aid them in this quest, Mechikabura bestows “Demon God” powers on his top demons: Towa, Dabura, Gravy, Putine, Shroom, and Salsa.  

Chronoa recruits Goku, Vegeta, Gohan and Goten to assist the Time Patrol.   I guess these are alternate timeline versions of these guys.  The team travels to different eras to intercept the Demon Gods before they can make their wish. 

Ultimately, the Demon Gods are successful, and the rejuvenated Mechikabura absorbs their powers, becoming so strong that Chronoa is forced to use her “Time Power Unleasehed” form to defeat him.    She traps both herself and Mechikabura in the Crack of Time.    The Time Patrollers return to the Time Nest to Time Discuss how to arrange a Time Rescue.   Time.

Dark King Mechikabura Saga: The Time Patrol responds to another time disturbance and runs into the Demon Gods, along with Towa’s newest creation, Fin.  Also, Chronoa is with them as a mind-controlled henchman.    Then the Demigra Army shows up to join forces with the TP.   He wants this alliance against Mechikabura so he can defeat him and then overthrow Chronoa at a later date.    Also Pan joins the Time Patrol, so that’s a thing.   

Mechikabura defeats the TP anyway, but Trunks is spared the effects of Chronoa’s time powers because he has something called the “Key Sword”.   The others pool their power into him, which turns him into a Super Saiyan God.  Oh, so that’s why Pan showed up.    SSG Trunks fights Mechikabura and frees Chronoa, and she helps seal Mechikabura in the Crack of Time.   Again?

Following the defeat of Mechikabura: Towa assumes control of the Dark Empire and reorganizes it into the Time Breakers. 

Prison Planet Saga: Pretty sure this is the storyline depicted in the Super Dragon Ball Heroes anime.  

Sealas Returns, World Mission: Sealas escapes the Crack of Time through a wormhole that leads to the Time Nest.   He beats Trunks then leaves through another wormhole.  

Chronoa then assigns Trunks to investigate “anomalies in the Super Dragon Ball Heroes game world.”  Apparently SDBH is a virtual world based upon the official history recorded in the Scroll of Eternity.  You have got to be shitting me, Pyle.  

Trunks sets up a secret base in the city of Hero Town, along with his assistant Leggings.   But Trunks is a character in the game, so everyone knows his face.    The only way he can keep a low profile is to disguise himself Great Saiyaman 3, which is... certainly a sentence made of words.   Also, chicks dig Great Saiyaman 3.   Well of course they do. 

Okay, so the deal here is that Sealas wants to alter the timeline, but he wants to make sure he’s altering it correctly, so he’s using the virtual world in the SDBH game as a model for the actual space-time continuum.    Because it’s based on the Scroll of Eternity?   I mean, sure, but how the hell did Capsule Corp’s game devs get ahold of it?    Anyway, Trunks needs help from experienced players to suss this out, so he recruits an elite team of super nerds: The Dragon Ball Heroes.   

Dragon Ball Online: The Time Patrol recruits warriors from Age 1000 to help them fend off temporal incursions by the Time Breakers, an evil team led by Towa.  

Dragon Ball Xenoverse 1: Trunks uses the Dragon Balls to wish for a strong ally, one who can help him defend the timeline from another round of tampering.   It’s the Time Breakers again, but this time they do enough damage to the timeline that it wears down the barrier separating the Crack of Time from the rest of the universe, allowing Demigra to escape.    Demigra finally launches his long-promised takeover of the Time Nest, and briefly usurps Chronoa’s position, until the Time Patrol finally defeats him once and for all.  

Between Xenoverse 1 & 2: The TIme Patrol expands its roster as more and more time anomalies occur.   They bring in the Elder Supreme Kai to help with the administration, and continue searching for Towa and Mira, who remain at large.   During this period, Chronoa accidentally wrecks Toki Toki city, then decides it would be easier to build a new city instead of fixing the old one, and thus creates the larger, cooler Conton City.

Dragon Ball Xenoverse 2: I’ll worry about that later.   

Things to clear up.

1) There seems to be several different names for the Crack of Time.   Time Abyss, Time Labyrinth, eternal labyrinth, etc.   I thought these might be different places, but they all serve the same dramatic purpose, which is to act as a prison for the bad guys.  

2) However, if all of these things are the same, then Chronoa keeps tossing bad guys into the same prison, yet they keep breaking out, some of them more than once.   I guess its established that if you gather enough energy, you can bring someone out of the Crack of Time, so maybe it’s just a matter of making sure that doesn’t happen.    Chronoa tried to imprison Mechikabura more permanently by locking herself in with him, but that just backfired on her when he mind-controlled her.  

3) How did Demigra join forces with the Time Patrol against Mechikabura when he was still imprisoned in the Crack of Time?  Or did he participate in that battle remotely, via one of his illusions?    Hell, he probably snuck out and snuck back in and no one even noticed.

4) I guess the Demon Realm was inside the Crack of Time?    That explains how Mechikabura could create it and run the place while he was banished in the crack.  

5) I’m pretty sure “Time Breakers”, “Dark Empire”, “Demon Relam” and “Dark Demon Realm” are all the same thing.   They didn’t change the name necessarily, it’s just that no one can decide what to call it.  

[cloud9consultive]

Mystery Pickup Artist: Mystery Method 2021 (How To Pick Up Women)

Here’s a list of 10 key components in the Mystery Method updated for 2021:

1) NIGHT GAME: The Mystery Method is primarily focused on picking up women in bars and nightclubs.

If you would like to meet party girls or young women, bars, nightclubs, gentlemen’s clubs, and hangouts around universities are perfect.

Prospecting efforts should be focused on the type of woman you would like to meet.

Here are few good places to meet women:

– Anything near a hair salon or beauty shop – Book store – Mall – Home décor store – Coffee shop – Grocery store – Health food store – Healthy restaurant (Panera Bread is a great place to meet women) – Yogurt shop – Ask yourself what groups she is a member of and join them (meetup.com is a good resource) – Ask yourself what charities she supports and support them – Ask yourself what events in your city she frequents and attend them (wine tasting, restaurant opening, bridal shows)

2) PEACOCKING: To dress and behave in an over-the-top and flashy manner, for the purpose of drawing attention and attracting women.

If wearing a fuzzy top hat, goggles, multiple wristwatches, garish earrings, black nail polish, and flamboyant clothing is congruent with your style and who you really are, then by all means… peacock away.

But peacocking doesn’t have to be loud to be effective. The key to peacocking is to make strong style choices. 

Interesting clothes with a few pieces of subtle but visible jewelry will do the trick.  

Personally, I prefer to use my vibe to attract women anytime, anywhere, no matter what I’m wearing.

When it comes to attracting women, vibe outweighs wardrobe 1000 to 1.

3) THREE SECOND RULE: Approach within 3 seconds of seeing someone you like.

If you don’t know how to follow your intuition, I agree, you should consider approaching someone you’re interested in immediately.

But once you develop your intuition, use it to determine who and when to approach.

Intuition is never wrong, so I always use it when prospecting.

As a result, I meet the right women, at the right time, in a serendipitous manner...  Which is the best way to meet women.

If you decide to use the 3-second rule as your primary decision-making tool, you will inevitably create awkward and uncomfortable situations for yourself and your target.

4) NEGGING: The act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise flirtatious remark to another person to undermine their confidence and increase their need for the manipulator's approval.

I am 100% against negging. Here’s an easy 2 step filter to use when communicating with anyone, not just women… Before speaking ask yourself if what you are about to say passes the TK Test:

(1)  Is it True? (2)  Is it Kind?

If what you are about to say doesn’t pass this 2-question filter, keep it to yourself.

I only turn this filter off when hanging out with my best, closest guy friends.

We make fun of each other constantly…  Not to be mean, but for good times and laughs.

Guys you know… it’s just something we do.

Enough said. Let’s move on…

 5) CANNED OPENERS: Field-tested lines and routines a PUA (pick up artist) uses repeatedly to open sets and start an interaction.

I have no problem with being prepared to open set.  In fact, I believe in being ready to start an interesting conversation at any time, in any situation… As long as the opener passes the TK Test above.

 6) FALSE TIME CONSTRAINT: A PUA statement used when opening set to reassure the target he will not take up much of her time. (Example: I can’t stay long. I have to get back to my friends, but…)

I believe you should communicate a time constraint during a set. But again, use a time constraint that passes the TK Test.

 7) BODY ROCKING: A form of non-verbal false time constraint used by a PUA to convey he is not needy and therefore may leave the set at any time.

An example of Body Rocking would be to slightly turn away from a set as if you were just about to leave.

This is one of many body language techniques you can use to help execute a success set.

I define a successful set as one that results in your desired outcome or “Close”.

There are many different Closes.  You can: Number Close, Kiss Close, Sex Close, Shop Close, Meet Up Close, Bounce Back Close, Immediate Date Close... Just to name a few...

 8) DEMONSTRATE HIGH VALUE (DHV): An action taken by a PUA to make himself appear or come across as a person of high status, thus making himself more desirable to women.

There are many different ways to DHV and they can all be extremely effective… Including one-liners, questions, routines, demos (demonstrations), games, quizzes, jokes, assumptions, stories, and humor.

Mystery used magic (which is a demo), stories, routines, and cocky funny humor.

While I love using humor, I’m not a big fan of cocky funny humor in general because you can easily come across as a prick.

 9) AMOGing: Tactics used to negate attempts to block advances towards your target.

In short, an AMOG (Alpha Male Of the Group) is a hater who’s trying to cockblock you.

An AMOG can be any member of the group who stands in the way of successfully closing the target. 

It could be the target’s BF or an aggressive male who is competing for the attention of your target.

If left unchecked, the AMOG will try to destroy your game, usually by challenging your material.

Occasionally, an AMOG may even turn to physical intimidation or violence.

That’s why you should focus your attention on building a bond with the AMOG first, before approaching your target.

The AMOG must be won over, defeated, and diffused before approaching women in the group.

To accomplish this, open the AMOG first.

Then ask, “how do you all know each other,” to open the rest of the group and ultimately your target.

 10) PHASE-SHIFT: To transition from the Comfort to the Seduction stage of pickup.

Phase-Shifting can be done by increasing kino (touching) and turning up the sexual tension with the use of a story.

If done correctly, this will lead to kissing which is a pathway to intimacy.

Personally, I like to use Staging and Tantra to make the shift to intimacy effortless and natural.

There you have it… 10 key components of the Mystery Method updated for 2021. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it for you. Goodbye, and God Bless!

[ferusaurelius]

Nihlus Fic Headcanons

My latest fic, The husbandry of victory is blood (on AO3), is basically a Nihlus Kryik and Mass Effect mercenary/batarian culture headcanon backstory where @expertmakodriver reacted by asking me to ... please translate w/e I was on about.

So here it is! The English translation of my Nihlus Kryik worldbuilding art project.

In reality, this type of character sketch is something I would normally keep private. But since we need more Nihlus content, both it and the headcanon basis are all public and free to use and/or transform as you see fit without attribution.

Please, I’m begging anyone who might want to use any of these ideas in whole or in part: write it and save me from having to do it myself. You do not need to credit me, but I would appreciate a link to your work so I can promote it! :)

Tfw you actually need to annotate your own fic...

Long post - everything is under the cut!

Organized by the order each element is referenced in the fic, with the divided sections labeled as [NUMBER] on the left.

Edited 5/28/2021 because I forgot some things.

[Title] “The husbandry of victory is blood” - Taken from “Sparta Says No” by A.E. Stallings. I actually thought about using this as an alternative title for another fic, but I figured this background sketch for Nihlus more aligned with the themes. I strongly suggest you go and read the poem without taking my word for the following interpretation: the contrast between growth and destruction, and civilization built through conquest or through agriculture. I enjoy the high-level commentary on society. The metaphorical encounter between farming and war is something I wanted to bring to my work, and I wanted the title to color the tone of the epigraph from Virgil’s Georgics. On a more personal level -- my grandfather joined the military in part to seek out opportunities he wouldn’t have had if he’d stayed on a farm, and I decided to draw on that experience for Nihlus.

[Epigraph] - Virgil, Georgics Book I (tr. H. R. Fairclough) - I picked a public domain translation of the poem and went hunting around for a line that had juxtaposed farming and war imagery. It’s a fairly common classical motif! Wars often stopped and started based on the seasonal harvest and the necessity of feeding the community and supplying the troops. You can’t fight a war and gather in wheat at the same time. Digging up the weapons pf the dead in farm fields is a powerful image. My take on Nihlus draws on the tension between fighting and negotiation that I also connect to the symbolic opposition between agriculture and warfare. The Georgics are also just really neat.

[1] Half-face markings - I could write a whole headcanon post on turian colony markings and how mercenary modifications fit in with them (and I will at some point). You’ll see in this fic that I regularly use terms for how much ‘real estate’ the colony markings cover. My HC is that there are variations of colony markings that can be worn as minimalist (smallest critical details), half-face (upper or lower, may include simple full-face designs without a lot of paint), full-face (both, usually more elaborate), and full-crest (what it sounds like on the tin). These are all just different styles and up to personal preference, though there are a few cultural connotations or stereotypes about people who choose which version. Plus I felt really bad for people who might have super-complicated full versions of markings and wanted to give them something more aesthetically lightweight that would have the same meaning. 

[1] Batarian trader patois - An evolving lingua franca with many dialects. Nihlus is uncannily fluent at the one spoken in the Terminus, which is mutually intelligible with the dialect spoken in the Attican Traverse. This is a language without a formal codex that sounds a little strange even to batarians born into the Hegemony. Since batarians have been around and in contact with the Citadel and council races for ~1000 years longer than turians (true if the timeline on the wiki is correct, but I haven’t done the backdating myself), I HC that batarians have a more refined and developed spacer and trading culture. Traders and smugglers are infamous for liking to be beyond Hegemony control and when their government withdrew from Council space, they just kept up with business as usual. Many of them have a shared religion based on debate and argument over the meaning of the Pillars of Strength and the way to live an honorable life.

[1] Terminus languages - They exist, both with and without formal linguistic codexes available to ordinary citizens of Council space.

[1] Hierarchy basic - The common turian colonial language spoken in Hierarchy space. Nihlus was born outside turian space, so he had to learn it from his parents and from educational videos. While he has only a vague accent, certain words and phrases he uses come off as very strange to turians who were raised in Hierarchy space.

[1] Draughts - A popular ancient board game dating back to before the Romans. Pieces move by sliding on the board or jumping over each other to capture. I originally wanted to use river stones as a metaphor, but Nihlus at that age had never seen naturally flowing water. I figure everyone has a version of a capturing/marker/stones sort of game.

[1] Amma and appa - Batarian words for grandmother and grandfather. Nihlus is a bit of a ‘surprise’ baby for his parents. This nice older smuggler couple are longtime associates of the mercenary group and, while they have never done fighting themselves and have no children of their own, they are friends of his mother and father and are absolutely delighted to “adopt” him. He is their smol spikey grandson, they teach him to speak and act like a proper young batarian, and anyone who argues with them about how exactly he is related will end up on the wrong side of an airlock.

[1] Vatar - A canon planet in the Mass Effect universe with a cold and inhospitable environment, located a short relay hop away from Omega (“downtown”) in the Terminus Systems. Mercenary groups have outposts dug into the surface. I rolled with it. 

[1] Falx - The turian name of the mercenary group Nihlus is born into. A falx is both a Roman entrenching tool and also the most overhyped Dacian curved blade weapon you’ll see in ancient art and literature. In essence? The word has been used to refer to both weapons and farming tools for a very long time. The group is a batarian-lead mercenary company with a very long history of turian cooperation, which enjoys stable political ties to other such batarian splinter groups. Traders and smugglers often form the links between them. The batarian word for members of this same group translates as “harvesters” or “reapers.” HAHA. And you thought this was a no-Reapers AU…

[1] Truce customs - A batarian mercenary outpost thing. If you’re friendly and in mechanical distress, or if you have something to trade, it’s not unusual to head to a known group of mercenaries and ask for truce on tightbeam broadcast to get someone to meet you or actively flag your ship with their ident codes (aka: make you temporarily register in local space as belonging to their ‘fleet’). This is usually for medical essentials, emergency mechanical trouble, and also serves as an informal way for Terminus merchants and traders to make a living without having to worry about being boarded every time they deliver the groceries. It’s considered a grave breach of etiquette to violate truce terms and those who do are hunted down as examples to the rest. Truce terms make “ordinary life” possible for outposts that are otherwise on the edge of traveled space.

[1] Trade-cloth - A canon quarian cultural object. Mentioned in the the fandom wiki and probably part of a quarian codex somewhere. Intricately patterned cloth is common on the Migrant Fleet, but the personal cloths are seldom given to outsiders. Nihlus’s gift is one used in trade, but displays a pattern with more ‘friendly’ cultural connotations than something that would be sold and mass-produced in a shop. It was made special for him by his childhood quarian friends. It’s something that it would be appropriate for him to wear like a scarf on formal occasions when he’s dealing with quarians, or when he’s invited to quarian parties or festivals.

[1] Colony crescents / Falx sickles - Yeah there’s some repetition here, but it’s mostly to contrast the two. I HC that Nihlus’s base colony markings are already curved. “Sickles” are embellishments which add a cutting or combative edgeline in some places and very overt stylized weaponry to standard colony markings. They are additions or alterations that are unique to mercenary groups and may read as “flamboyant” or “aggressive” because they are noticeably different in appearance to Hierarchy turians. This is more or less on purpose, and is a bit on the taboo side. One does not wear these additions or draw their markings in these styles without genuinely belonging to one of these groups -- the patterns are not easy to reproduce correctly or in the right places, and they are generally a source of stigma in Hierarchy basic training.

[1] Sand-bath - How you clean a turian when water is scarce and everyone has to share it.

[2] Draw and fire from retention - The shooting-sports specific term for “shooting from the hip.” Kinda. This breakdown of a scene from Collateral, one of my all-time favorite Michael Mann films, will give you an idea. All of the referenced gun techniques are also more or less real, and lining up your body posture so that it helps with aiming and putting the rounds where you want them to go is a real thing.  Nihlus has a great deal of practice in shooting as self-defense and was training alongside professionals from a young age. Going to the range is one of his hobbies (but not mine, I’m lame and that’s loud).

[2] Triginta Petra - A canon Mass Effect world that is a dustball home to hardscrabble turian farmers. Kavala Kryik’s family were some of the first colonists and they’ve been scratching a living from the surface since she was nine years old. They are very proud of this fact, since it gave them opportunities they wouldn’t have had on their native Oma Ker (also a canon turian world).

[2] Laskaris - Nihlus’s mother’s original family name. Kavala Laskaris. While I don’t have any particular headcanon about whether or not turians do the whole ‘changing surname’ thing when they marry or pair off or whatever, Kavala really liked both the alliteration and the overall aesthetic. Joked with Inaros Kryik, her husband and Nihlus’s father, that she only married him for his pretty colony markings.

[2] Lupulin - Literally, hop acids and the essential oils that you get from ‘hoppy’ beer. A direct reference to hops (Humulus lupulus) and brewing, because why not? Actually is a mild sedative and produces a bit of a chemical high.

[2] Stiletto - A pistol from Haliat armory (turian weapons manufacturer).

[2] Blooded sickles - Worn only by mercenaries who are full / fighting members of Falx or their direct allies. Batarians have their own culturally-coded marks, some of which have been adopted and/or adapted by their turian members as embellishments to colony markings. I HC that newer “commercial” groups like the Blue Suns and Nyreen’s Talons, without a shared cultural background, are imitating this style of marking rather than the other way around. Merc-born turians with old-style batarian trade connections tend to recognize each other through these symbols, which are used most often outside of Council space (i.e. the Terminus Systems and the Attican Traverse).

[2] Pillars of Strength - Canon batarian religious artifact. I treat them as a text or a particular philosophy that values free will and independent action as the signifiers of ‘strength.’ While I don’t have a fleshed out or specific HC for what the ‘tenets’ are, I do know that slave implants are treated as anathema.

[3] Struthious - A reference to Earth ostriches. Some kind of chicken-like prey animal that turians like to cook and eat. Mostly because the thought of Nihlus running around like a chicken to entertain his sisters made me laugh.

[4] Cutter - Bigger than a personal clipper and better armed, with living space for a crew. They come in various sizes and are smaller than frigates.

[4] Cup of mourning - A turian funerary ritual. On Taetrus, performed with a distinctive form of dark ale. Different colony groups have different cultural traditions.

[4] Thalia, Tomyris, and Traian - Nihlus’s three turian siblings. Thalia and Tomyris are his younger twin sisters. Traian is the youngest and his baby brother. While they’re only hinted at in this fic, I do plan to make some references to them in the Air Needing Light arc at some point. There’s also a chance they’ll get their own short!fic appearances.

[4] Hierarchy military grants - A HC pool of money that the Council races put up to fund large-scale basic training for anyone (turian or another client race) completing compulsory citizen service.

[5] Talons and suns - Generic references to other symbols that are common incorporations for mercenary groups. I HC that these were adopted and color-coded by the Blue Suns and the Talons rather than conceptually created by them! 

[5] Fuck the cause, we’ll die for a drink! - Profane versions of the turian Hierarchy anthem are popular drinking songs among the merc-born. If it’s a patriotic and well-known song, you can pretty much guarantee turian mercenaries have parodied it.  Awkward for colony-born squadmates who find these renditions hilarious and catchy—but also a little horrifying.

[6] Optio Sideris, 85th Atrax Legion, Fifth Cohort Operations Section - A one-off turian Blackwatch OC I may bring back in another fic at some point because I ended up liking her. The Hierarchy military organization borrows from the HCs I use for the Air Needing Light AU: 85th Atrax Legion is a joint special forces organizing legion made up of six cohorts. The 5th Cohort is informally known as Blackwatch, while the “Operations Section” is a generic term used by intelligence operators. Optio is a mid-tier leadership rank.

[6] Batarian body language - Batarian language and manners are highly dependent on physical cues according to the Mass Effect canon. I took this one step further with a HC that Nihlus is essentially a native speaker of turian-adapted gestures that translate successfully into batarian social patterns. This physical vocabulary is most refined and most present in culturally batarian mercenary and trading groups with a strong history of turian association and recruitment. While older turians can learn and approximate the gestures, they are best learned and absorbed in childhood. Nihlus “speaks” a form of gestural batarian that places him as a native of the Terminus Systems.

[6] Interrogating batarian prisoners - No torture involved! Optio Sideris trains Nihlus in a more practical form of intelligence gathering that involves building rapport, establishing trust, and remaining consistent. Even pirates or smugglers who would not normally give information to a Hierarchy patrol flotilla can be convinced to—if not speak—occasionally offer hints about the locations and activity of slavers. Nihlus is notable for actually being conversant in traditional batarian moral interpretations of the Pillars of Strength, as well as being able to walk the fine cultural line between guarded respect and abject deference. 

[6] Merc Red - Nihlus’s batarian nickname among the patrol flotilla’s prisoners. A sign of individual respect, since it contains no profanity and is just blandly descriptive.

[7] Broken weapons - A traditional sign of thanks between two non-allied mercenary groups when one has agreed to truce terms. Mostly symbolic.

[7] Tattoos - The permanent marking method of choice when turians are full-grown and have developed a strong preference for the color and personal style of their colony markings. Nihlus decides on a complex ‘full-crest’ Taetran colony pattern embellished with Falx blood sickles. This is more or less him being loud and proud about both his colony origins and his mercenary background, as well as putting them on an even footing by tattooing the entire pattern: mercenary symbols and all.

[homebrewsno1asked4]

2B 2

Welcome! Today’s subclass – inspired by 2B of Nier Automata, for those who just walked in – is the Planar Adjudicator.

What and why is a Planar Adjudicator, you may ask? I didn’t just want to make the 2B class a construct-killer; unless your DM’s world is teeming with robots, that won’t be particularly useful. So I reflavored the androids’ crazy superhuman combat maneuvers as laws of physics they’re allowed to break. And YoRHa as like interdimensional hitmen of balance.

Kinda like “if the Horizon Walker Ranger joined a Paladin order.”

I don’t remember the exact thought process, tbh.

Commence!

Clearances

As Planar Adjudicators climb in rank, they’re allowed to bend certain laws of reality, or waive them altogether.

When you first gain access to these clearances at level 3, you may take three. You may take two additional clearances each levels 7, 10, and 15. At these levels, you may also replace a previously-established clearance with another one of equal level.

See list of Clearances at the end of the class.

Save vs. your Clearances is 8 + proficiency bonus + your Intelligence modifier.

At level 3, the fighter usually gains multiple features with their subclass: 1) Each archetype's primary mechanic; 2) a coin toss between an exploration or interaction feature, usually packaged with an extra skill proficiency.

To fit with the Planar Adjudicator's "spacetime cop" theme, I made the main mechanic Clearances - or laws of reality that the Planar Adjudicator's allowed to break to better hunt their quarry. In an earlier draft, I tried to directly base these Clearances on the various Pod abilities; but after a few false starts, I realized that most of the Pods either don't translate well into D&D mechanics, or would provide game-breaking stat increases/extra attacks. So instead, I looked to the Warlock's Eldritch Invocations for inspiration, and the Clearances scale/stack similar to the Eldritch Knight's spellcasting. (I think... I'm sorry, I really need to be more careful about crossing out my design notes, not deleting them entirely.)

The Clearances are supposed to reflect Nier Automata's flashy combat; encapsulate more of 2B's skills and android abilities not covered by my earlier choices of Race, Background, etc; and beef up the Planar Adjudicator's flavor.

Basic Planar Knowledge Database

Take proficiency in either Religion or Arcana.

As an action, you detect the distance and direction between you and any creature involved in your goal, such as a person you seek vengeance against or someone you pledged to defend. You must be familiar with this creature – i.e. have met them personally, or you know more than passing knowledge about that creature. If the target is on another plane of existence, you instead discern the distance and direction of the nearest portal to that plane, though you don't automatically know which plane it leads to.

The Planar Adjudicator's other starting feature - Basic Planar Knowledge Database - bundles one of two lore-intensive Intelligence proficiencies with a barely-changed version of the Revenant's Relentless Nature. I don't think it's too OP because it's mostly for flavor, but Hey! I've been wrong before.

(Maybe BPKD should at least be 'use x times between rests’?)

Database Upgrade

You hone your insight into your extraplanar quarry by level 7, analyzing your deep repository of lore for weaknesses.

Your melee attacks (not ranged, not spells) now count as magical for the purposes of overcoming resistance.

You gain proficiency in Religion or Arcana, whichever you did not choose from Basic Planar Knowledge Database. Except for critical failures, you can treat any Arcana or Religion roll of 9 or below as a 10.

Fighters' level 7 abilities usually go one of two ways: an attack/defense buff; or an exploration ability packaged with a new skill proficiency. The Planar Adjudicator's Database Upgrade is bit of a mix of both.

This is a melee-only version of the Arcane Archer's Magic Arrow, as well as the other half of the Basic Planar Knowledge Database - while also borrowing a little of the Rogue's Reliable Talent. I'm hoping that's not too much, as religion and arcana are mostly fun roleplay skills anyway. Who knows; the way you run your games, this might be OP.

Executioner’s Clearance

At level 10, you gain two types of Favored Enemy. One is always humanoids. For the other, choose from aberrations, celestials, elementals, fey, fiends, or undead. You gain a +4 bonus to damage rolls with weapon attacks against creatures of both types. Additionally, you have advantage on Wisdom (Survival) checks to track your favored enemies, as well as on Intelligence checks to recall information about them.

When you gain this feature, you also learn two languages of your choice, typically one spoken by your favored enemy or creatures associated with it; for example, elvish for humanoids and deep speech for aberrations. However, you are free to pick any language you wish to learn.

You also have advantage on saving throws against the spells and abilities of both these enemy types.

Fighters' level 10 features are exclusively combat-focused. Usually, they're an improvement to a pre-existing feature.

I borrowed the Ranger's Favored Enemy + Greater Favored Enemy for Executioner’s Clearance. Since even the stacked version of Greater Favored Enemy is still conditional, and it's already only a level 6 ability, I thought it fair to throw the Planar Adjudicator another bone.

Hammerspace

You can equip up to three weapons at a time, in any combination of weight class or ranged/melee. You can swap these weapons in and out as a free action, including in between attacks.

You stow any of these three weapons you cannot feasibly hold in a personal void not unlike a Bag of Holding.

Hammerspace adds a bit more Nier Automata-ness to the Planar Adjudicator's playstyle, what with the giant weapons floating behind you and switching between these giant weapons in an instant.

I can't for the life of me remember what I used as a base for Hammerspace. Honestly, I might have made it from scratch, but I wouldn't give me that much credit.

Unchain Protocol

Against your favored enemy types, your weapon attacks score a critical hit on a roll of 19 or 20.

While the planar adjudicator is at half their hit points (rounded down) or below, they score critical hits on 18-20 for all enemy types, not just favored enemies.

While the planar adjudicator's hit points equal 10 + Constitution modifier or below, your criticals gain a damage bonus equal to your level in this class.

At level 15, Fighters gain a variety of types of combat features. Attack spells/spell-like abilities and attack/damage buffs are common.

I think this is another weird fusion of a couple different class abilities. Like Champion/Barbarian’s Improved Critical plus one of the Brute’s abilities, maybe?

The first part of Unchain Protocol stacks with Executioner's Clearance. The second and third stages of the Protocol affect all critical hits, for the trade-off of inching closer and closer to death.

Evasion System Overclock

When an enemy misses an attack against you, you may incur the effects of Time Stop as a reaction. All restrictions of Time Stop still apply. You take the turns afforded by Time Stop immediately upon using this ability. You may use this once a day.

I know 2B has the whole slow-time-when-you-dodge ability from the beginning of the game; but there’s no way to give the player its D&D equivalent at an early level without tipping the game balance like the fucking Titanic.

My thinking is, assuming the player tries to use this ability to hit or run, Evasion System Overclock only affords them one extra strike, or a get-out-of-combat-free card if the player’s okay with ditching the rest of the party and appearing 1000 feet away. Hopefully, this forces your Planar Adjudicator to be a little more creative and strategic with their extra turns.

Clearances

Law of Applied Force. All ranged attacks have a maximum range of 300 ft.

Law of Auras. You can cast Detect Magic at will.

Law of Darkness. You can see normally in darkness, both magical and non-magical, to a distance of 120 feet.

Law of Healing. Whenever you regain hit points from a potion, spell, or ally’s class feature, treat any dice rolled to determine the hit points you regain as having rolled their maximum value for you.

Law of Inertia. Whenever you successfully deal damage to a creature, you can push the creature up to 10 feet away from you in a straight line.

Law of Interspecies Communication. Although limited by the intelligence of the beast, you can understand and speak with beasts.

Law of Linguistics. You can read all writing. You can comprehend any written word or symbol, should it hold any linguistic meaning.

Law of Natural Cycles. Within a minute of its death, you may ask a recently deceased creature one question. The dead creature’s spirit provides the answer to the best of its knowledge, translated into a language of your choice.

Law of Resilience. Your AC becomes 13 + your Strength or Dexterity modifier while not wearing armor. You can use a shield and still gain this benefit.

Law of Rest. You no longer need to sleep and can't be forced to sleep by any means. To gain the benefits of a long rest, you can spend all 8 hours doing light activity.

Law of Vitality. You can cast False Life on yourself at will as a 1st-level spell.

Law of Warfare. Over the course of 1 hour short rest, you can bond a weapon to you. You can bond up to two weapons at once. These weapons gain a +1 to attack and damage rolls. You can summon or dispel these weapons as a bonus action.

Prerequisite: Level 5

Law of Conservation of Energy. For one minute, you can double your speed, gain +2 to AC, roll advantage on Dexterity saves, and take an additional action on each of your turns. The action can be used to attack (one weapon attack only), dash, disengage, hide, or use an object. You can use this feature once every long rest.

Law of Elemental Order. Every long rest, pick a type of elemental damage. When you hit a creature with a melee or ranged attack, you can use a bonus action to unleash an eruption of this damage type. This eruption is a 20-foot-radius sphere, focused on the target you just hit, and deals 8d6 of your chosen element. You are immune to this eruption. You can use this feature once every long rest.

At level 11, this feature recharges with a short or long rest, and the extra damage increases to 9d6.

At level 17, you can use this feature twice between rests, and the extra damage increases to 10d6.

Law of Proportional Might. Once per turn, when you hit a creature with a melee weapon, you can add 4d8 force damage to your attack, and you can knock the target prone if it is Huge or smaller. You can use this feature once every long rest.

At level 11, this feature recharges with a short or long rest, and the extra damage increases to 5d8.

At level 17, you can use this feature twice between rests, and the extra damage increases to 6d8.

Prerequisite: Level 7

Law of Opacity. Once per rest, you can use an action to gain the ability to see through solid objects to a range of 30 feet. Within that range, you have darkvision if you don't already have it. This special sight lasts for 1 minute. During this time, you perceive objects as ghostly, transparent images.

Law of Motion. For one hour, you are unaffected by difficult terrain, and spells or magical effects can't reduce your speed or cause you to be paralyzed or restrained.

You can spend 5 feet of movement to automatically escape from nonmagical restraints. Additionally, being underwater imposes no penalties on its movement or attacks.

Prerequisite: Level 9

Law of Gravity. At will, you can rise vertically up to 20 feet. While suspended, you have no momentum of your own and you may grab on to other objects in order to move as if climbing. You can change your altitude as part of your movement each turn.

Whenever you deactivate this clearance, you drift safely to the ground per the spell Feather Fall.

Law of Proportional Athleticism. Your jump distance is tripled.

Law of Spirit-Mortal Communication. You can speak to spirits - per the Speak with Dead spell - at will.

Prerequisite: Level 15

Law of Physicality. As an action, you and everything you wear and carry become invisible for up to an hour. If you drop an item or remove it, the item is no longer invisible, and if you try to attack or cast a spell, you're visible again. You can activate this clearance at will.

I don’t have an ending besides thank you for reading, hope it doesn’t suck!

[nigestuff-blog1]

The Philippines

I have been living in the Philippines for over two year and thought I would write a bit about the people their culture, plus the general differences. Before I do, please be advised that I consider myself a realist. I am an engineer and as such only think in black and white, right or wrong, there are no grey areas with me. If you are the type who lives in the grey area don’t read on as it will upset, you. I have lived in a lot of places around the world, primarily the UK and USA which are very much different to here. I came here on vacation and never went back home, I love the place. I live on Samal Island near Davao City which suits me as I am more of a country bumkin than a town dweller. Within the following headings I will make comparisons with the UK, but I am sure they will ring true for other countries like Australia, Canada, USA, and Europe. It has become apparent that if you don’t understand the culture of the people and their country, it will eventually wear you down, primarily due to your lack of your understanding. I will refer to us as white nose as this is the nick name they give us, with no offence intended by them. The first heading is all about becoming a permanent residence, for those of you who are thinking about staying, before we get into the differences. So here we go:

Becoming a Permanent Resident

There are only two ways:

1.      Residence Visa for the Philippines (this is what I have)

If you are legally married to a Filipino citizen, you may apply for the permanent Resident Visa (13A) as stated of the Philippine Immigration Act of 1940, Section 13. You must meet the following requirements:

·        Joint letter addressed to The Commissioner of Immigration and notarised.

·        Notarized letter of application by the Filipino spouse

·        Accomplished and Notarized General Application Form

·        Copy of the birth certificate of the Filipino spouse, authenticated by the NSO (National Statistics Office)

·        Authenticated copy of the Marriage Contract by the NSO or Philippine Embassy abroad (if you got married abroad)

·        Local Police clearance

·        National Bureau of investigation (NBI) clearance

·        Immigration Clearance Certificate

·        Copy of the foreigner’s passport showing the date of arrival and Visa

·        pay about 20,000, - Pesos in total for fees (10,000 for application and another 10,000 for approval)

After the application is submitted, you have a hearing with the attorney at the Immigration office where they explain the law regarding your visa. It may take several months before you will finally receive your Resident Visa Card. After the first application, your Resident Visa will be granted for only one year.

After one year you'll have to submit another application but in a simpler way and the Visa then will be good for 10 years, before it needs to be extended again. This costs PHP300 a year to keep up.

  2.      Retirement - Residence Visa for the Philippines (My brother Gary has this one)

Another way to get a permanent residence visa for the Philippines, is the Retirement Visa or SRRV Visa. This Visa does not depend on whether you are married to a Filipino citizen or not, like the 13A Visa but it is based on a money deposit in an accredited Philippine bank.

The Philippines advertise this kind of visa with some advantages such as: Exemption from Customs Duties & Taxes for the importation of personal effects of up to 7000 US$, Exemption from Travel Tax, if your stay in the Philippines is no longer than 1 year, Exemption from the Immigration Exit Clearance and Re-Entry Permits, Exemption from the Immigration I Card/annual registration requirement and Exemption from securing special study permit or study visa for child/children.

Please note that the application for this visa is a very complicated and time-consuming process. Don't give up!

There are basically four groups of people who may apply for the SRRV Visa:

 35 -49 years old: 50,000 US$ Deposit

 over 50 years old without pension: 20,000 US$ Deposit

 over 50 years old with pension: 16,000 US$ Deposit. The pension      must be at least 800 US$ for a single or 1000 US$ for married couples.

 The deposit for SRRV Classic is convertible into an investment of      at least 50,000 US$

 35 Years and older: 20,000 US$ Deposit

 Deposit is not convertible into an investment and      must be locked in the bank

 The Deposit may be withdrawn when the SRRV Visa is cancelled.

 35 years and above and a former Filipino citizen

 50 years and above for Ambassadors & retired Diplomats: (1600      US$ Deposit)

 35 years and above: 10,000 US$ Deposit plus

 pre-existing medical condition that requires medical or clinical      care services

 a pension remitted to the Philippines of at least 1500 US$

With all the visa’s here you must be extremely patient as the bureaucracy is outrageous.

Please note you won’t get an NBI clearance if you have any sort of police record here in the Philippines, like caught smoking on the street or a road traffic offence. (watch it) You can of course operate on a tourist visa and keep extending it every two months for a fee of PHP3000-5000 a pop, no consistency in the fee , I think it depends on which way the wind is blowing! Costly and I think the time on this is running out as the Philippines will inevitably fall in line with most other countries and only grant you a maximum of 3 months on a visitor visa. Please note, you can only drive over here for 3 months on your UK licence, unless you get a visa that lasts for 1 year then apply for a Filipino driver’s licence. You can’t open a bank account with any Filipino banks unless you have a permanent residence visa. You can never vote or own land in the Philippines.

Social Values:

‘READ THIS BIT CAREFULLY’

This is the most important difference from Filipinos to any other western culture. On face value you might think ‘so what’ but if you don’t fully understand the implications of this, you could find yourself in a lot of trouble over here.  The following values are drummed into all the children from a very young age:

·        Paggalang (Tagalog) Respito (Bisaya) The English translation means to be respectful or to give respect to another people.

 ·        Pakikisama (Tagalog) Matinabangon (Bisaya) (Helping Others) has the connotation of getting along with other people in general. Very, Very important here.

 ·        Utang na Loob (Tagalog) Naay Kabalos sa usag- usag (Bisaya) The English translation means, Debt of Gratitude.

 ·        Pagpapahalaga sa Pamilya (Tagalog)  Unahon ang Pamilya (Bisaya) The English translation means Family First.

 ·        Hiya (Tagalog)   Ka-ulaw (Bisaya) The English translation means , Shame, again Very, Very important here.

 Notice there is nothing about honouring your financial depts, it’s all bit wishy washy for us westerners but means a lot to them. The above values are like a religion to these people and if not followed, shows a great deal of disrespect and the consequences would be shame beyond belief. If you insult somebody in a public place or on the road and they have witnesses, they can report you to the local Barangay. You could find yourself being arrested and prosecuted as this is a crime here. So, don’t go shooting your big mouth off in a shop, restaurant or any other public place because you think the service is shit. Don’t start arguing with anyone, even your wife in a public place, this shows a great deal of disrespect and the shame of it is cause for alarm by the onlookers!! Filipino’s are not directly confrontational or assertive verbally, instead they employ passive aggression. Firstly, they will clam up on you if you start shouting at them, then they will go out of their way to be incredibly unhelpful to you for evermore. Be advised, if you push them too far with verbal insults in a public place, their embarrassment might incite them to just stick a knife in you!! Notice, they are knifing you because you have embarrassed them in public, not because of what you have said. For the Filipino, it’s all about keeping face and what other people might think about them, where as in England we don’t give a shit what other people think. We have a saying in the UK, ‘sticks and stone will hurt your bones but calling names can’t hurt you’ Here is the complete opposite, it does hurt them deeply, and they can’t tolerate it, so don’t do it. We white nose can’t help venting our spleen when some f**king idiot pisses us off. Personally, if I get wound up about anything, I let my wife sort it out. She is incredibly patient and nice to them, cajoling them into being co-operative, it takes time but eventually works. I just bugger off somewhere to calm down, have a coffee and a smoke that seems to help. So, what a big difference in the culture, I remember in the USA the kids had a lesson in school on assertiveness, this would not wash over here.  I’ve heard, one of the reasons Filipino’s make great soldiers is when the enemy starts shooting at them, they regard it as a massive insult. Our soldiers take cover while they stand up and start blazing away at the enemy in shear anger. Shame is another big thing to the Filipino, if they have an obligation to pay a debt 9 times out of 10 they will pay as the shame of other people knowing they are bad debtors would be unbearable. People here think twice about cheating in a relationship because once the public find out the shame would eat them alive! The shame of anything they do also extends to their immediate family which compounds the problem further. Shame also has some annoying and negative traits, for instance, my family will never tell me if they have broken something. They don’t even tell me if something is not working even if they haven’t broken it. This is so annoying, as I only find out when I come to use it. They do this, as they always prefer to avoid conflict and can’t bear the shame of being told off. They will even lie to me about the problem rather than being honest about it to avoid the shame. To me, this trait is childish, but I must live with it as this is their mind set and culture. Furthermore, don’t expect eye contact during any confrontations, just like your pet dog, it is impossible for them to look you in the eyes! I England this is considered incredibly rude and suggests the person you are arguing with is has something to hide or is lying.

Religion:

·        Roman Catholic Christianity - 70% Roman Catholicism is the largest religion in the Philippines. ...

·        Protestant Christianity - 17% Protestant Christianity is the second largest religious group in the Philippines. ...

·        Islam - 5 to 10% ...

·        Iglesia ni Cristo (Philippine Church of Christ) - 2% ...

·        Buddhists - 2% ...

·        Other - 6.6%

 Yes, they all claim to be religious people, but underneath in my opinion they can’t be. I always got the impression that religion teaches people right from wrong and to love ‘all creatures great and small’.  That’s not what I see here with all the corruption going on and perpetual lies from the top down. On top of that, the Catholic church here is just as corrupt as the Vatican. interesting to note when a paedophilia case crops up in the news its always the Catholic church involved, I can sight many cases, but you know what I am talking about. The people here are shocked when they ask me if I am religious and I tell them I am a Humanist. Interesting to also note, that most wars and disputes are caused by religion across the world. I do believe there was a guy called Jesus and I can also understand why the Romans killed him.

 Getting a Drivers Licence

Most Filipino’s don’t have one of these as it cost too much for them, currently PHP850 (£12.50) It’s quite amusing on this Island when the LTO is out in force, everybody hides in the jungle until they have gone. There are two ways to get a licence in the Philippines, you can do it the right way like I did with the LTO (land Transport Office) or you can get a fixer to have one made for you. (maybe for 3000- 5000 peso’s) It saddens me to know how many of us white noses have chosen the latter. All these guys are doing is supporting the corruption here in this country. (lazy wankers) Of course as stated above, you must have a visa that lasts one year to qualify for a licence, perhaps therefore a lot of white nose here flaunt the law. When you get the licence it only qualifies you to drive a motorbike (no limit on how many cc) and a car/ 4x4. Even if you are an HGV driver in the UK it makes no difference. Anyway, once you have your one-year visa, just bob along to the LTO office and apply, it only took me an hour, it last 5 years then you must go back to renew it.

Running a car or motorbike

From new, the car or bike must be checked by the environmental department for emission test and then checked by the LTO (Land Transport Office) for condition of the vehicle every year. The biggest problem here is how long it takes the LTO to provide registration on your car or bike. They take so long to produce the registration plates they must issue temporary numbers. This could take from 1-3 months and without it you can’t get insurance on your vehicle. The LTO and the police don’t care if you don’t have insurance on your vehicle as they regard this as your choice and see it as a civil matter. If you have a serious accident, then you will have to pay out of your own pocket, if you don’t or can’t, you’re going to jail. So, I have a bit of fun with this and when I see one of the car retailers in the mall trying to sell their latest model, I can’t resist it. I tell them I will buy the 1.7 million-peso 4x4 with cash today, providing they can get me insurance to drive it on the road that day. The best offer I had was Ford, who claimed they had a special deal with the LTO and could get my new registration within a month. I asked them, how would I get it to my home if I was not prepared to drive it without insurance, they said they would put it on a transporter for me and deliver it!! I could then admire my new car sat in the driveway for a few months until the LTO got around to giving me a temporary number! Is interesting that the LTO can be as late as they like about this but fine you P1000 if you are a day late in registering your vehicle once a year. The cost of re-registering your car is about P6000 a year, plus penalties of course.  In England you get the new number plate and insurance for your new vehicle within ½ hour and it would be a big offence if I drove it without insurance on our roads. By the way, I bought a new motorbike 2 years ago… still waiting for the official number plate from the LTO.

Common Sense / Logic

The Filipino seems to be deficient in this area, let me give you some examples. As mentioned I have a Pam boat which I uses for pleasure trips and commercial Island-hopping tours. I had it in dry dock one day doing some minor repairs and painting, when a lady appeared on the shore and asked if she could rent the boat today for a tour. Now bear in mind, this was 10;00 am in the morning and the tide was fully out, due to be back in at 5:30pm. It was one of those moments where everyone on the boat stopped working and just looked at one another! What did this lady want us to do? Perhaps drag a 7-ton boat across the sand about 50 metres and get it back into the sea? She was really pissed off when I told her we couldn’t do it. Another time I had a guy come to my house about 5:00am in the morning, woke me up and ask if he could rent the boat that day!! Don’t these people ever plan ahead, is everything just done on an impulse? I watched the carpenter working on my boat one day, I asked him to put a wooden brace in the hull, so I could mount a water tank. I am so glad I did, as he was going to put the brace right across where the engine cooling fan rotates, that would have been interesting when I start the engine. The same guy once replaced the steering ropes on the boat but connected them backwards so when you moved the steering wheel the rudder went in the wrong way. I guess this would work if the captain sat facing backwards and looked through a periscope to steer. (remember the SPV on Captain Scarlet) I took my truck to a local repair shop, it had a slight leak on the radiator and the alternator belt needed tightening as it was slipping. He took out the radiator and made the repair to the leak, at this point I thought he would tension the alternator belt as it was in clear view without the radiator being in the way. No, he replaced the radiator then spent about a f**king hour trying to get at the tensioning bolt on the alternator bracket, which was now difficult to get to due to the radiator hoses in the way.  It would still be easy to do, if you could produce 50 newton metres of torque at your fingertips!! I can’t watch……. time for a coffee and a cigarette!! Finally, my brother is always complaining about this one as he is a big guy with big hands. The door knobs here are always set too close to the door jam. When you go to open the door, your hand gets trapped between the handle and the door jam, it bloody hurts!! I could go on sighting other examples, but I think you get the picture.

Gambling

Guess this comes with the territory, if you don’t have much money in the first place what better way to get more by just gambling! As anyone knows with any modicum amount of common sense ‘gambling only pays if you are winning’. It’s a common thing throughout the world that poor people always take to gambling to try and improve their lives. Here in the Philippines, gambling is almost an obsession, mainly playing cards or mahjong. They are also obsessed with Cock fighting and on this island, there are lots of people rising birds just for that purpose. I’ve been to some cock fights which is primarily a guy’s thing. Money is flying everywhere as the prize cocks battle it out with sharp razor blades fastened to one of their legs. The show doesn’t last long, maybe 30-45 seconds before one of the cocks is dead. Amazingly, there is no trouble at these events, which you would think there would be. With the average age of the guys around 30 years old, money flying everywhere, everyone shouting and lots of booze on tap. (back to their family values)

Human Right

Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte has told a U.N human rights expert who said the country’s judicial independence was under threat to ‘go to hell’, warning against interference in domestic affairs. Basically, Duterte is right, this country and I dare say others, needs to get tough on drugs and terrorism. Human rights have become a joke, in England prisoners can study for a degree and have the right to vote in major elections. Remember president Duterte is a clever man, he is a lawyer and has made Davao City one of the safest places to live during his 21 years as mayor. In one of his speeches to the nation he explained how much it cost the state to legally convict a known drug criminal. He then went on to explain to everyone how much a bullet costs the nation. He knows, its not just the cost of convicting these guys, it’s the message he wants to get over to them if they persist in their activities. The people here love him, because he is making the Philippines a safer place to live. As a family man, he is genuinely concerned about the influence drugs have on the children and how it can ruin their lives. He has at his disposal the police, army and his death squad. Known drug dealers may spend some time in prison, but when they get out their life expectancy is limited. So called civilised countries like the UK, are so far up their ass with human rights that we can’t even expel foreign terrorist back to his own country. deported radical Islamist cleric Abu Qatada to Jordan ending a decade-long legal battle with UN human rights, to expel the man once dubbed Osama bin Laden's deputy in Europe. That would not be much of a problem for Mr Duterte, the guy would last no more than a week here…… I love it!

Corruption

Yes, poor old president Duterte is trying his best to get rid of this, particularly in government departments. In a way you can’t blame corruption being rife as these people don’t get paid enough or on time so how are they going to feed their families? One of the big differences here compared to the UK is even the police can be bribed. If you did this in the UK, you would be instantly arrested for trying to pervert the course of justice! We in the first world have a different sort of corruption and in a way probably worse than here. For example, there are a lot of Borough councillors in the UK paying them selves’ massive salaries, even more than the Prime Mister gets. When you see them being interviewed on the TV they sound to me like ignorant thugs. Usually is the labour Borough councils that do this (greedy draconian bastards). They use tax payer’s money for the most stupid things and get away with it like building a new town hall, meanwhile the local hospitals are in baddy need of resources and the roads are full of potholes. Wonder why our council taxes are so high, But Hay Ho, the wisdom of the crowd, if that’s who you vote in as a councillor, what do you expect? So, don’t go criticising the 3rd world countries on their corruption when we are no better! At least when Duterte finds out about government departments being corrupt he just has them shot. (With regards to human rights, the rest of the world can stick it up their ass as far as he is concerned,) …. I just love that!

 Food

Anything that requires cooling or kept frozen here is expensive, chocolate, ice cream and frozen chicken nuggets for example is about 5 times the price compared to the UK. Why, its obvious really, the power cost to keep this stuff cool in ambient temperatures of 30+ degrees C. When you buy a bar of chocolate, scoff it straight away because it will be liquid by the time you get it home. Eating is at the very top of Filipino’s list, to the white nose, they seemed to be obsessed with it. I was thinking a while ago, where food came in my list of priorities back in England, about number 7 after the mortgage etc,etc.. The Filipino’s as small as they are, consume vast quantities of food a day, providing they can afford to get it. Its interesting to see a wealthy Filipino family getting out of their new 4X4, the car suspension pops up about 10 inches as they alight. Here in the Philippines you are considered wealthy if you are fat , so that’s ok, it’s the complete opposite in the UK. They can certainly eat me under the table (Opps, that sounds a bit vulgar!!) But seriously, they consider any meal without rice, a snack, so a big T bone steak with all the trimmings is just a snack to them. You see rice is a filler, and I believe it keeps on expanding in their stomach until they feel full. They don’t consider they have had enough to eat until they feel full, whereas we white nose don’t need to feel like that after a meal. They are constantly stuffing large quantities of fluffy, sticky tasteless white rice into their faces with every meal. I asked them if they ever get bored with eating the stuff, as I would if I was eating chips with every meal, but no, they literally cannot live without it. They also eat more often than we do, it’s not uncommon for them to have 4-6 meals a day. I am guessing is because they don’t get a lot out of all the rice they are eating. (either that or they are all greedy pigs) They don’t seem to like papaya which I think is delicious, but they will eat green unripe mango, dipped in vinegar!! Unlike us Brits who only have vinegar on our fish & chips, they use vinegar on most meals. They don’t like any sort of pickles in vinegar like we do, in fact they think sweet cucumber or pickled onions in vinegar are revolting. Yep, we definitely have different taste in food. I wonder what they would think of our Sunday roast? (a snack without the rice?)  The other thing is they don’t seem to eat as much protein as we do (back to the big T bone steak), They tend to chop the meat or fish into small pieces then scoop it up with a large helping of rice with their fingers before masticating it with their mouths open. Have you ever heard a cat eat, well that’s what it sounds like, must be the sticky rice!! (table manners here are completely out the window) Regular table knives are very difficult to get hold of in the shops, as they use a fork and spoon to eat everything. They even attempt to chop up meat with their spoon which is so painful for me to watch. Unlike us, they usually don’t have a drink with their meals, even if the food is dry or spicy, they drink afterwards. They will not have anything to drink before a meal either, it must be something to do with the rice again? The food hygiene is also very poor, I am surprised more of them don’t come down with serious food poisoning. Most meat they eat here is boiled in a pan which as we know is not enough heat to kill all the potential nasties. They don’t roast things in an oven because most of them can’t afford one. They also have no Idea how to store cooked foods, most of the time they just leave it on the table with ambient temperatures above 30 degrees C. Guess what… the f**king ants, flies and rodents are all having a taste of it within half an hour. This doesn’t seem to bother them they just eat it later for a snack. It took me a long time to convince my wife and her daughter to put the cooked food in the fridge. It took me an even greater time to train them not to put raw meats above cooked food in the fridge etc..  I bought two chopping boards, one for raw meats and fish and the other for cooked foods and vegetables, you should have seen their faces when I tried to explain that one. Even though most people here are poor, they always make more food than they can eat in one sitting. Hence food left lying around for later. I still can’t understand why they don’t just make what they are going to eat, must be an Asian thing. They are always celebrating something, from fiesta’s to Funerals every week. This involves free food, and which is the primary reason why they attend. When we go to a party in the UK or a funeral it’s just a drink and a few sandwiches not a feast. Their funerals go on for 9 days where everyone goes around to eat, drink and play cards. That’s another thing, they like to get to a party as early as they can, before the food runs out! I say to my wife who is a philopena, why are we going at 5:00pm, can’t we wait until around 8:00pm? As this would be the normal time to turn up in the UK, no point, the food would have run out by then. My wedding was a typical example of this, we had loads of food but when it ran out they all cleared off about 8:30pm, I did see one or two of them stuffing food into plastic bags to take home with them for a snack later, leaving a few white nose friends and I drinking until 11:30pm. They also eat some rather disgusting foods, such as smelly Durian and even smellier dried fish. I have banished this from the house and told them to eat it outside, how can they complain about a blocked drain or my cigarette smoke after eating that? Beef, fresh pasteurised milk and cheese is very difficult to get here. They are not big on dairy farming but love raising pigs and goat, so guess what’s on the menu. I am always stopping them from removing the seeds out of a tomato, they think if they eat them, they will get appendicitis!! Their supermarkets are another thing, most of the shelves are stuffed with junk food or small sashays of essentials, from washing powder to coffee. The super markets cater for the smaller shops called ‘Sari Sari’ stores as these are their main customers, hence the small sashays… which they stock. You don’t see washing powder or coffee in what we would consider family size packs, (the economical way to buy the product) probably because most people here could not afford to buy it this way.  You go to the meat counter where you find only chicken and pork, forget about beef. Its poor-quality pork covered in fat and lying there most times at an ambient temperature of 30-degree with a member of staff waving off the fly’s. Tined foods like Corn beef and Tuna are also very low quality, you open the can to find a slurry of shit! I’ve seen tined cat and dog food that looks and smell better in the UK. I think they get most of their canned foods from China. The kids here eat a lot of crappy hot dogs with rice and seemed to love it along with corpus quantities of sugary soft drinks, could you imagine giving your kids that on a regular basis in the UK, not very nutritious!! Diabetes is becoming a very big problem here due to their diet of sugar laden food along with vast quantities of rice. Even their bread is laced with sugar, it tastes more like poor quality cake to me. I’ve taken to making my own food like homemade country style ham, I buy the pork from a reputable butcher here and cure it myself. (Ah a taste of home) The beer here is dominated by Sam Miguel, which for a Britt, is shit in a bottle. It’s a fizzy lager which gives you serious acid indigestion if you drink too much of it. I think they should sellotape a couple an-acid tablets to every bottle. The Americans, Canadians, Swiss and even Germans don’t seem to mind it as this is the sort of shit beer they drink back home. Note I would not include the Australians in this list as they have real beer like us Britt’s although Fosters is only a little better than Sam Miguel! You know why the Australians call the other stuff Castlemaine four XXXX? because they can’t spell PISS! If this beer is not super cool to hide its true taste, it is virtually un-drinkable, just like Coors shite, I mean lite, in the USA. God what I would give right now for a steak and onion sandwich on crusty roll with a pint of London Pride or John Smiths smooth flow!!

Diabetes:

This is becoming a real problem in the Philippines.

On a personal note, in England I was diagnosed as a type two diabetic. I was constantly taking metformin to control my blood sugar level. It’s interesting that doctors prescribe Metformin and insulin to manage this disease. All this medication is doing is treating the symptoms not the cause and it is certainly not the cure! Consequently, the sufferer becomes more and more dependent on the medicine, it’s a vicious circle!! The pharmaceutical companies are making a fortune from this while the people with the disease eventually die from it! Due to the inclement weather, lack of exercise plus the food I was eating in the USA and the UK, I weighed around 87 kg. I come over here and after 6 months due to a different diet of more fruit and vegetables my weight drops to 75kg. Guess what? my blood sugar goes down to less than 6 and stays there, I don’t need the metformin anymore. My blood pressure also dropped accordingly which suggest to me that the biggest contributing factor to Diabetes is being overweight and eating the wrong foods. So, to put it bluntly, being a fat lazy bastard is one sure fire way of getting diabetes in your 50’s. Doctors in the UK can’t say to their patients ‘you have diabetes because you are a fat bastard’, this would be regarded as discrimination and that’s illegal in the UK. I was always checking my blood sugar in the UK with one of those electronic devices pricking my fingers for a sample… today I have a much better test… the mosquitos here only bite me if my blood sugar is elevated! In the UK you are referred to as a ‘FAT BASTARD’ if you are fat and a ‘SKINNY GITT’ if you are thin, guess I am a gitt now! By the way people, if you want a sure-fire way of losing weight, cancel the gym membership and stop putting loads of unhealthy food in your mouth… that works! Here in the Philippines, lots of people are dying from Diabetes because they simply cannot afford the medicine. Just like the rest of the world their doctors are treating the symptoms and not addressing the cause. If they addressed the cause it would save these people a lot of money and they would live longer. Without exception Filipino’s get fat by the time they are 35-40 due to their poor diet and lack of exercise, particularly the females, it’s a shame as the foods that would save them grow in abundance here and are not expensive. Their culture of eating rice and other carbohydrate foods does not help. I just can’t get my friends and family here to eat raw vegetables and lots of fruit, they much prefer to eat rice, boiled meat and boiled vegetables. They also eat lots of junk food complemented with copious quantities of soft drinks. In a way they remind me of children, they just can’t get enough sugar in their foods. Education also plays a big part in this as most of them know nothing about good nutrition and food hygiene.

 Language

With over 7000 islands in the Philippines it’s not surprising they have a lot of native languages. Tagalog is the main language taught in schools and is what everyone can speak here. On this Island they speak Bisaya which I am learning slowly. Interestingly both languages are sometime difficult to explain things, so they revert to English as it’s a quicker way to get their point over. You will notice during any conversation they throw in English words or even full sentences, I tease them and tell them to speak their own language. This surely proves that English is a better language to converse in when they must hijack ours from time to time. They have no native words for Car, TV, Mobile phone, Fridge, microwave etc, because we invented them, so how could they have a native word for it. A lot of the sentences they say are said backwards compared to English, example ‘Bring me to the house of my parents’ I think they have a touch of Master Yoda about them. Staying on the Star War theme, when you listen to them talking, they sound like Ewoks from the forest moon of Endor!! On last thing is that the English they use is strongly influenced by American language. Lots of incorrect spellings and pronunciation of words which can be very annoying to the Britt’s. I of course am correcting this slowly with my wife, daughter and close friends, so they do end up speaking good English. By the way the Filipino’s have no ‘C’ in their alphabet!!

Holidays:

Date

Weekday

Holiday Name

Holiday Type

1 Jan

Monday

New Year's Day

Regular Holiday

 16 Feb

Friday

Chinese Lunar New  Year's Day

Special  Non-working Holiday

 25 Feb

Sunday

People Power  Anniversary

Special  Non-working Holiday

 21 Mar

Wednesday

March Equinox

Season

 29 Mar

Thursday

Maundy Thursday

Regular Holiday

 30 Mar

Friday

Good Friday

Regular Holiday

 31 Mar

Saturday

Black Saturday

Special  Non-working Holiday

 1 Apr

Sunday

Easter Sunday

Observance

 9 Apr

Monday

The Day of Valour

Regular Holiday

 13 Apr

Friday

Lailatul Isra Wal  Mi Raj

Common local  holiday

 1 May

Tuesday

Labour Day

Regular Holiday

 14 May

Monday

Special  Non-Working Day

Special  Non-working Holiday

 12 Jun

Tuesday

Independence Day

Regular Holiday

 15 Jun

Friday

Eidul-Fitar

Regular Holiday

 21 Jun

Thursday

June Solstice

Season

 21 Aug

Tuesday

Eid al-Adha  (Feast of the Sacrifice)

Regular Holiday

 21 Aug

Tuesday

Ninoy Aquino Day

Special  Non-working Holiday

 22 Aug

Wednesday

Eid al-Adha Day 2

Common local  holiday

 27 Aug

Monday

National Heroes  Day holiday

Regular Holiday

 12 Sep

Wednesday

Amun Jadid

Muslim, Common  local holiday

 23 Sep

Sunday

September Equinox

Season

 1 Nov

Thursday

All Saints' Day

Special  Non-working Holiday

 2 Nov

Friday

All Souls' Day

Observance

 2 Nov

Friday

Additional  Special Non-Working Day

Special  Non-working Holiday

 21 Nov

Wednesday

Maulid un-Nabi

Common local  holiday

 30 Nov

Friday

Bonifacio Day

Regular Holiday

 8 Dec

Saturday

Feast of the  Immaculate Conception

Special  Non-working Holiday

 22 Dec

Saturday

December Solstice

Season

 24 Dec

Monday

Christmas Eve

Observance

 24 Dec

Monday

Additional  Special Non-Working Day

Special  Non-working Holiday

 25 Dec

Tuesday

Christmas Day

Regular Holiday

 30 Dec

Sunday

Rizal Day

Regular Holiday

 31 Dec

Monday

New Year's Eve

Special  Non-working Holiday

  Will you just look at all the holidays they have, if we took as many in the UK nothing would get done!! Pretty much every month they are on holiday for something.

On top of this there are local district holidays:

·        Semestrial week off every 6 months for schools

·        UN day ( united nations day) runs from 20-26 October for schools

·        Annual day off for celebration the anniversary of the local town

·        Annual day of for celebrating the anniversary of the Barangay (Bourgh Council)

·        Annual day off for celebration the founding of a school etc etc

·        Local elections

 Funerals

When someone dies here it’s a big event for the family and friends involved. First the body is taken to the funeral home where it is prepared and put in a coffin. Then the body is delivered back to the relative’s home who keep it in the house for 9 days. (very macabre) During this period friends and family visit the house where the spouse of the deceased is expected to provide food and drink all day and night. The people pay their respects then sit around eating, drinking, talking and gambling. This costs the poor immediate relatives a fortune. Wait for it, sometimes the body must be returned to the funeral home to drain off more fluids!! I have attended 4 such events in the last 2 years, it’s very strange. Don’t forget the body is sitting in ambient temperature of 30+ deg C which would not be allowed in the UK as this would violate public health laws. I am guessing they keep the rats and other vermin off the body by standing vigil over it all night or putting the lid on the coffin. Must admit some coffins have a sheet of glass over the body for that very purpose. (doesn’t bare thinking about)

Services

This is a biggest bone of contention for most white nose here, because in most stores despite the grossly over staffing it takes for ever to get served. A common thing you will hear is ‘we are out of stock’!! I have heard this at Mc Donald’s and Dunkin Doughnuts, they said they were out of stock on coffee, can you believe that. (Noticeable they weren’t out of stock on rice) So you go to the hardware store to buy say 20 off 6mm bolts and some electrical connectors. Here’s how it goes, you go to the service desk and tell them what you want, after a half an hour wait they have it on the counter. Then they hand write out a receipt for the goods, at which point you would expect to pay and leave. Ho no, now you must go stand in a line at the cashier desk to pay for the goods for another hour. The cashier gives you a receipt and you must dutifully take this back to the first counter and again wait in line for another half an hour. They then package the goods for you (which is painful to watch) and hand you your receipt stating you have paid for the goods. Then… wait for it… you must stand in another line for an hour at the security desk before you leave. At the security desk they tear open your package and count every item shown on your receipt. Then they wrap your goods up again and only now can you leave (total of 3 hours in a very hot sticky hardware shop). (B&Q UK, for same goods takes maximum 10 mins even if there is a big line. I asked why they have such a slow complicated system; the reply was that the owner doesn’t trust the staff. No wonder the Filipino is a patient person. Talking about hardware stores, they don’t seem to have any logic with their stock. Plumbing gear is the worse, they have the pipe, but not all the fittings like reducers or tee pieces, god knows how the plumber here does his job! It’s the same story with electrical gear, wonder if the owner is a practical person or are, they just stupid? The government bodies are steeped in bureaucracy and everything is done by hand, not computerised. Even those agencies that have computers like the NBI and Immigration still do everything with carbon copies and ink fingerprints… then do it again on their computer system just for good measure! Everything must be done in triplicate and signed on every page and notarised. I counted how many times I had to sign every paper for my citizenship card and it was 42 times. (I guess this is to try and eliminate a fixer getting you a residence visa). I have a Pam Boat here in the Philippines and the documentation I needed from the Marina was outrageous. It ended up being 14 pieces of paper which cost PHP 18,000 and took a total of 12 months to complete. I owned a yacht in the UK about the same size and to operate it was only 3 bits of paper and took a week to complete.

Home

This is where I think the Filipino gets their patients and tolerance of their fellow man. They look after their old folk and each other which puts our way of life to shame. Consider this… nobody dies alone here. Most of the houses they live in resemble that DIY garden shed that you could buy from any good hardware store in the UK. This is where we keep out garden tools and lawn mower, so they don’t get wet and rust because it’s always raining in the UK. I was astounded to find out how many of them lived in one tiny house.  I asked my wife ‘where do they all sleep’? she told me they all sleep on the living room floor lined up like sardines’ that’s the coolest place she said. Do they all have a mattress to sleep on?  No most of the time its just lie on the hard floor all night. The amazing bit is there is no fighting about ‘who’s got my socks, where’s my shorts etc, they all get along without any trouble. In the UK even the unemployed have a nice council house and the more kids they have the more bedrooms they have. If families in the UK had to live like this, there would be fights every day maybe even murders. This is when you realise the difference from 1st world country to a 3rd world country. It’s interesting to see that they all seem to manage to have a mobile phone sticking out of their back pocket but live in squalor. The other thing that differs greatly here from the UK is that it is truly a family house, grandparent usually own it and most of their kids and grandkids live with them. Because this is a catholic country, family planning is non-existent, so most of them have 3 to 5 kids on average.  I’ve also seen a lot of young teenage girls here with babies, so much for contraception and education from schools and parents! Cooking at home is simple, most of it done over burning sticks they found in the jungle and a pot, hence the boiling of meat all the time as mention previously. This is usually performed outside because of the dense smoke it produces. The one thing most Filipinos will spend money on is a good karaoke set with the biggest amplifier and speakers they can get their hands on. On a housing estate you can hear several of these sets competing all through the night. Nobody complains about the noise because they are all making it. In the UK we pay for council tax and it’s a lot of money every month depending on the size of your house. Here they don’t pay this at all and their Barangay get funding directly from the main government. In the UK when parents die and leave an expensive property to their children the government want 20% inheritance tax from the estate. Here there is no such tax, in fact, they have very few taxes compared to the UK. It’s not surprising as the people here could not afford to live if they were buried under the UK style tax system. Come to think of it, neither does working families in the UK so they must claim for income support from the government, which is just churning money around the system rather than doing the right thing and lowering taxes.

Social Benefits:

Before we get into this one, I must tell you the big difference from the UK compared to the rest of the world. The working people and companies are heavily tax in the UK to support the social benefits that have evolved in the UK over many years. I was talking to a good friend of mine who is a general manager of an engineering firm in South Africa. He was telling me he works hard to pay for not just the roof over his head but to pay for the following:

·        Kids’ education

·        Medical insurance

·        Medicine for his family and his mother in law that suffers from diabetes.

This struck a cord with me as he was working hard for things that in the UK are free to those who don’t work. So, he has a greater incentive to go to work and keep a job, where people would not get out of bed in the UK to do the same thing. The fact is that families who are not working in the UK can claim for benefits that are worth more than the job they could get. This can’t be right can it? This is a disincentive to get a job but the same people in the UK complain about Eastern Europeans taking their low paid jobs!! People who do work hard in the UK never say I am working hard to pay my NI contributions and tax, wonder why?

Here is a list of benefits which can be claimed by jobless and low paid people in the UK:

 Adult social care

Help with paying for care, especially in old age, such as help washing and dressing, is conducted on a council-by-council basis and so the level of assistance depends on where you live.

 Attendance Allowance

A tax-free benefit for those aged 65 or over who are physically or mentally disabled and need help to be looked after. There are two rates of up to £71.40 a week.

Bereavement Allowance

A weekly rate of up to £97.65 paid for up to 52 weeks from the date of death of a husband, wife or civil partner.

Bereavement Payment

The £2,000 payment is a one-off tax-free lump sum to a husband, wife or civil partner of somebody who has died and generally who was under the state pension age.

Budgeting Loans

An interest-free loan for those on a low income who need help with certain important costs, such as clothing, furniture and travel.

Carer's Allowance

A taxable benefit for those who look after someone who is disabled. They do not have to be related to, or live with, the person that they care for.

Child Benefit

A universal non-means-tested benefit for parents to claim for their children, but plans to withdraw it for higher-rate taxpayers have proved controversial.

Child Tax Credit

Labour's flagship welfare policy, child tax credits are paid to families with children regardless of whether the parents work.

Child Trust Fund

To be withdrawn completely by the start of 2011, parents were paid a voucher to invest for their children who could access the money at the age of 18.

Cold Weather Payment

Paid to people who are in receipt of certain benefits to help with their additional heating costs during winter. A payment of £25 is made for each seven-day period of very cold weather between 1 November and 31 March - when the average local temperature is recorded as, or forecast to be, freezing (zero Celsius) or below over seven consecutive days.

Community Care Grant

Financial help to live independently in the community for those who have, for example, just moved out of care, or to ease exceptional pressure on them and their family.

Constant Attendance Allowance

To help those who need daily care, are 100% disabled according to medical examination, and who receive Industrial Injuries Disablement Benefit or the War Disablement Pension.

Council Tax Benefit

Financial help for those on low incomes to pay their council tax bill.

Crisis Loans

Interest-free loans for those who do not have enough money to meet their, or their families, immediate short-term needs in an emergency or as the result of a disaster.

Disability Living Allowance

A tax-free benefit for disabled people, including children, who have difficulty walking and who need somebody to help look after them. (This can be lucrative as many people get a new car every 2 years from the government. Special cases get an extremely expensive modified vehicle to accommodate a wheel chair)

Employment and Support Allowance

The successor of Incapacity Benefit, it is paid to those with an illness or disability but aims to get them into some kind of work.

Funeral Payments

Help for those on low incomes to pay for a family funeral but might have to be paid back from the estate of the person who has died.

Guardian's Allowance

A tax-free payment of £14.30 a week per child on top of Child Benefit for people who are bringing up children whose parents have died.

Healthcare Travel Costs Scheme

Those on a low income and who need NHS treatment at a hospital, another NHS centre or a private clinic and have been referred by an NHS hospital consultant, doctor or dentist, can apply for help with travel costs at the time of their appointment.

Health Costs

Various options of financial assistance for the young, old and those on low incomes to pay for health costs ranging from dental work to wigs.

Health in Pregnancy Grant

A one-off grant to help with costs in the run-up to a baby's birth - however, this is being withdrawn in 2011.

Healthy Start Scheme

Help for pregnant women and low-income families by giving them vouchers that can be used to buy milk, fresh fruit and vegetables, and also coupons which can be exchanged for free vitamins for women and children. It is the only benefit administered by the Department of Health.

Housing Benefit

Aimed at those who struggle to pay their rent because they have a low income, irrespective of whether they work or not. Planned reforms by the government have proved to be extremely controversial.

In Work Credit

A fixed tax-free payment of £40 per week, or £60 per week in London, for parents bringing up children alone. It is payable for up to 52 weeks on top of earnings.

Incapacity Benefit

A weekly payment for people who become incapable of work owing to illness or disability, which started before 27 October 2008, while under state pension age. It is being replaced by Employment and Support Allowance.

Income Support

Financial support for those on low incomes who have not signed on as unemployed.

Industrial Injuries Disablement Benefit

The amount depends on individual circumstances, but this is a weekly payment for those made ill or disabled by certain types of work - such as working with asbestos. It covers accidents, disease and deafness. Those who are self-employed are not eligible.

Industrial Death Benefit

Payable to the widow or widower and children of a person working as an employed earner who died as a result of an industrial accident or prescribed disease. The death must have been before 11 April 1988.

 Invalidity Benefit

This was replaced by Incapacity Benefit from April 1995 but is still payable if the invalidity started before April 1995. (free Car)

Job Grant

A one-off, tax-free payment of up to £250 as a stepping stone for those moving from benefits and into work.

Jobseeker's Allowance

The widely recognised main benefit for people of working age who are out of work or work less than 16 hours a week on average, and who are looking for work.

Local Housing Allowance

Similar to Housing Benefit, this is the allowance paid to a private tenant on a low income who is renting property or a room from a private landlord.

Maternity Allowance

This pays a standard weekly rate of £124.88 or 90% of your average gross weekly earnings, whichever is the smaller, to somebody who does not qualify for statutory maternity pay.

Mobility Supplement

Some people might be entitled to a free tax disc if they are disabled and get the higher rate of the mobility component of Disability Living Allowance, War Pensioners Mobility Supplement or have a new car.

Over 80 Pension

A payment of up to £58.50 a week for individuals aged 80 or over who do not get the basic state pension.

Pension Credit

This guarantees a minimum income to those of state pension age by topping up the weekly income to £132.60 for those who are single, and £202.40 for couples. There is also a Savings Credit for those aged 65 and over.

Pneumoconiosis (including asbestosis), Byssinosis and Miscellaneous Diseases Benefit

A benefit paid to the husband, wife or civil partner of somebody who died as a result of pneumoconiosis, byssinosis or certain other diseases which they got from work before 5 July, 1948.

Reduced Earnings Allowance

A payment of up to £58.32 a week for those who do not earn as much as they could owing to a work-related accident or disease that happened before 1 October 1990.

Retirement Allowance

This replaces Reduced Earnings Allowance for those who have reached pension age and have given up regular employment.

Return to work credit

A tax-free payment of £40 per week, payable for up to 52 weeks, for some people returning to work.

School uniform allowances

Help for parents to pay for their children's school uniform but administered on a council-by-council basis.

Severe Disablement Allowance

Paid to those unable to work for at least 28 weeks in a row because of an illness or disability - but no new claims have been accepted since April 2001.

State Pension

Arguably the best-known of all benefits, this is a payment of £97.65 to all those who have reached state pension age - which is set to rise.

Statutory Adoption Pay

Help to take time off work after adopting a child, it is paid at £124.88 or 90% of your average weekly earnings if this is less, for 39 weeks.

Statutory Maternity Pay

For new mothers, this is paid for the first six weeks at 90% of their average gross weekly earnings with no upper limit and - for the remaining 33 weeks - at the lower of either the standard rate of £124.88, or 90% of their average gross weekly earnings. This is one of a series of rights for new parents.

Statutory Paternity Pay

For new fathers, this is paid for one or two consecutive weeks at £124.88 or 90% of their average weekly earnings if this is less. As with maternity pay, they must have worked for the same employer without a break for at least 26 weeks by the 15th week before the baby is due.

Statutory Sick Pay

A standard rate of £79.15 a week, it is paid by employers for up to 28 weeks if somebody is unable to work because of illness.

Sure, Start Maternity Grant

A one-off payment of £500 for each baby to help those on low incomes pay towards the cost of a new baby.

Tax credits

The former Labour government's policy to integrate benefits within the tax system, rather than straightforward handouts. The benefits administered by HM Revenue and Customs consist of Child Tax Credit and Working Tax Credit.

Training premium

A small amount of about £10 a week paid as an incentive to train for a job.

Travel to interview scheme

For those out of work and on benefits, Jobcentre Plus may be able to help pay to get to a job interview.

Unemployability Supplement or Allowance

This is paid to people who suffered industrial injuries, but no new claims have been accepted since 6 April, 1987, when Industrial Injuries Disablement Benefit was increased.

Vaccine Damage Payment

A tax-free payment of £120,000 to those severely disabled and whose disability was caused by vaccination against various diseases, such as tetanus.

War Disablement Pension

A pension, dependent on the level of injury, for those injured or disabled as a result of service in the Armed Forces, who are no longer serving in the Armed Forces and who were injured in service before 6 April 2005.

War Widow's/Widower's Pension

A tax-free pension paid to the wife, husband or civil partner of somebody who died as a result of their service in the Armed Forces or during a time of war before 6 April 2005.

Widowed Parent's Allowance

Up to £97.65 a week paid to a parent whose husband, wife or civil partner has died and they have at least one child who they receive Child Benefit for. Previously known as Widowed Mother's Allowance.

Widow's Pension

Payable weekly at a reduced rate for younger widows, the pension can be paid until the widow reaches 65 but if she retires after reaching state pension age of 60 it will usually be replaced by the state pension.

Winter Fuel Payment

This year it will be paid to all those born on or before 5 July 1950. The annual payment can be between £125 and £400 depending on the recipient's situation, to help pay the increased heating bills of winter. It is different to the Cold Weather Payment.

Working Tax Credit

Another element of the tax credits system, it pays in-work credits to people on low incomes through the wage packet including, where appropriate, part of childcare costs.

I’ve gone to the trouble of listing them all as I am so angry about how many there are. You must ask yourself the question … does it pay to work in the UK?   I dare say most other countries have nothing like this in place to encourage people to be so lazy!! I guess we are a victim of our own socialistic success, but the UK is already writing checks it can’t afford, sooner or later it will collapse due to lack of funding (tax receipts) and then there will be anarchy on the streets! In the UK people who receive these benefits or if you like, free handouts and calling them their entitlements! What I would like to know is how are they entitled to them if they have never worked for them? The top and bottom of it is in the UK, the more you earn the more tax is taken from your wages at source. This can be disproportionate and discourages people from working overtime or taking that job promotion. As the financial gain is gobbled up by the extra tax you must pay when you fall into the next government tax bracket. Is it a ‘Robin Hood Tax’ , how can it be when the middle classes are relying on these handouts to make ends meet too?

Tax comparison

The UK government collected £690 billion for FY 2017 In comparison the Filipino government collected P1.779 trillion or £ 25.8 billion. If we use this comparison it shows the UK is almost 27 time richer than the Philippines.  We have 66.57 million people living in the UK and the Philippines have 104.9 million. This means they have over 1.5 times more people than us paying about 40 times less tax. The middle classes in the UK are buckling under the pressure of taxes, as their wages year on year are not keeping up with inflation and the taxes are increasing every year. Most working families in the UK are on what we regard as the poverty line Hence ‘family tax credits ‘and housing benefits but compared to how people live here, they are rich beyond belief. When I tell people here what the unemployed receive as a package, the free house, car, hospitals, schools, and pretty much everything including cash handouts they just can’t believe it. Most of them said to me, if they got those kinds of benefits here, nobody would go to work!! They asked me why I bothered to go to work in England, I guess the only answer is my pride, in the vain hope of bettering myself after paying 60% of what I earned!! There are only two winners in the UK, the very rich and the unemployed with a family.  By the way just one example, you know why Duterte does ’t increase VAT from 12% to the same as the UK’s 20%, because he knows this would financially crucify the poor people that live here.

Jobs

Even the best paid jobs here are poorly paid compared to the UK and the workers don’t seemed to have any rights. I have relations here who are public servant and there is plenty of times when they don’t get paid on time, could be as much as 3 months late. Private sector is even worse, so it begs the question how do they survive. The answer is they turn to pawn shops or money lenders at high interest rates. Unlike the UK where we get paid on time and lavish free money on the unemployed. They can’t starve though, you can always gather food from the jungle and the climate is such that you won’t die of hypothermia at night if you sleep on the beach. The UK in the middle of winter, if you had nowhere to live you probably would die of hypothermia at night and there’s no jungle to get free food from. Because the jobs here are low paid the employees drift from job to job, and when they want to leave, they don’t bother to let the employer know, they just f**k off. This happened to me twice, I employed guys to look after my pam boat as it is fitted with a lot of expensive gear. When they got fed up with the job they just left without telling me and the boat was at the mercy of anyone who wanted to help themselves. I could understand this if I was unfair to them or they didn’t know me but one of them was my brother-in-law and the other was a good friend (I thought) who I had advances considerable money for hospital treatment he needed. The reason they do this is their pride and they feel shameful to come and tell you they are leaving. Average jobs in the UK on the face of it appear to be well paid, but when you factor in the taxes you are really working for the government for 7 months of the year. The UK government need these tax receipts to fund all the free stuff like hospitals, council houses, free schools, benefits to low paid and jobless families. Over here they do get ‘poor piece’ from the government which amounts to P1500 a month for the mother only. The mother gets P1500 and every child gets P1000 a month. Therefore, a family with 3 kids gets P4500 or £66.95 a month. This only lasts three months, then they are on their own! Could you imagine what would happen if that’s all the unemployed in the UK got this to live on.

Driving, Roads & Traffic

You know in England people spend a lot of time and money getting a driving licence for a car or motorbike. Sometimes sitting a test several times before we make the grade. Everything is done in a precise way because we know it would be dangerous otherwise. Our police enforce the law of the road in a very strict manor to ensure the roads are safe to travel on. Here the complete opposite is true, first the police have no jurisdiction on transport, this is done by a separate government body called the LTO (Land Transport Office) They don’t seem to have enough resources behind them and consequently most people flaunt the law. Driving a car here is frustrating, when you park up inevitably the Filipino will park their motor bikes inches away from your front and rear bumper. This is because your vehicle is offering shade for their bike seat from the sun, plus most of them have no concept of how much space a car needs to manoeuvre. In the UK, we would be so angry about this we would just knock the bikes over and drive off!! Here you must wait patiently until the owners return, (don’t shout at them) then quickly drive off before someone else takes the space. What you must understand is here the motorbike is king of the road as everyone has one. This is closely followed by the tricycle and then the car, particularly on this Island are few and far between. The way they look at it, your car is taking up parking space that 6 bikes could have parked in (you, greedy opulent bastard) When driving, you must use your mirrors all the time as the Filipino will pass you on both sides. Even if you are executing a left or right turn and your turn signal is flashing, they will pass your car in front or behind. Again, your car is just a complete nuisance to them and you are just getting in the way, remember cars are a lumbering beast compared to the nimble motorbike. Most people on this Island don’t even have a driving licence and it shows when you see the way they drive. Fortunately, unlike England where everyone is in a mad rush, these people travel very, very slowly, most of the time a maximum of 25kph, accidents here are frequent but most of the time survivable. The tricycles are the main cause of slow traffic as they are grossly underpowered, they only have a 125cc engine, but still manage to carry 14 people. (second gear full chat!)

  The road surfaces are extremely poor, the main roads are cement but not laid down with any sort of accuracy and are incredibly bumpy. The rest of the roads are just dirt, covered in potholes and boulders. This is ok for the motor bike but f**king useless for a car, the best thing to have here is a 4x4 truck and driver it slow. I’ve travelled on some of the main highways here and I can tell you, the road surface is crap, they post a 60kph limit and you would be doing well if you could run continuously at that speed. One other point to mention is the ambient temperatures here plays havoc with the cooling systems and lead acid batteries on your car. Most lead acid batteries don’t like temperatures over 25 C and the engine cooling system is always struggling to keep the engine cool. Heat is a killer of all batteries, but high temperatures cannot always be avoided. This is the case with a battery under the bonnet of a car. As a guideline, each 8°C rise in temperature cuts the life of a sealed lead acid battery in half. This means that a VRLA battery for stationary applications specified to last for 10 years at 25°C would only live 5 years if continuously exposed to 33°C and 30 months if kept at a constant desert temperature of 41°C. Once the battery is damaged by heat, the capacity cannot be restored. In the Philippines the battery under the bonnet can reach ambient temperatures of 50+ deg C, therefore the battery life would reduce to 18 months. If a good battery costs P8000, then you are paying P5333 year for a battery!!! To preserve the battery life, position it somewhere cooler on the vehicle, like the boot. Maybe a cooling fan would help increase battery life? The same applies to a boat battery only with the added problem of salt water environment. Not only does the engine have to cope with high ambient temperatures but it is working harder driving the air conditioning on full blast all the time. I can tell you, without air con the interior of your car would reach 60 degrees C in the middle of the day!  (totally un-drivable) I don’t care how good you think your air con system is, nothing is ‘bubble tight’ so you find yourself having to get the system re-charge regularly with Freon. Here in the Philippines there are few garages and mechanics who have the correct charging gear and knowledge to do this properly.  New cars are fine for a while until the radiator gets covered in flies and the battery gets to about 1 year old. Motorbikes are great providing you are on the move but get stuck in traffic and your brain starts to cook inside your crash helmet! Maybe that’s why the Filipino keeps his helmet at home where it will be safe. On the other hand, fuel is cheap compared to the UK, it is running about 2.5 times cheaper, a lot less tax on it. The LTO stop you if you are not wearing your seat belt in the car and issue you with a fine. This is ironic as they turn a blind eye when 30 -50 people ride standing up in the back of a commercial flatbed truck, with completely no safety restraints at all!! (see picture of school trip)

If this truck hits anything, I would like to suggest everyone on board goes ass over elbow into the jungle! I must admit though, the Filipino is extremely patient on the road, nobody gets excited if your pull-out in front of them at a junction or casually decide to do a U turn across a 4-lane highway. In England this would cause serious road rage, people would be getting out of their cars to kill you!! The other thing is nobody complains where you park your car, in England people get very upset if you park your car on the road side outside their house!! Yep they might be shit drivers, but they compensate a 100-fold with their patients. By the way, have you noticed how many times I’ve said the Filipino is patient? We will get to that later, but it makes you wonder why we are the complete opposite. In the UK you must pay for parking your car just about everywhere, failure to do so generates disproportionate fines. Our Borough Councils are the main cause of this closely followed by the big supermarkets.  Since I have been here I have not had to pay for parking anywhere, just like Texas in the USA. One last thing about transport, the Filipino is probably the laziest people I have come across. It’s common place to see lots of people in England walking down the street, its good exercise and saves money on transport. Here, nobody walks, they are in a Jeepney, tricycle, flat bed truck or riding 6 up on a motor cycle.  My wife complained to me the other day for walking into town, she said our neighbours would think we were poor and had no money!! When I ask them why they don’t walk, they just say it’s too hot for that. Hey, they should see the weather conditions we walk around in the UK.

Noise

The Filipino is the noisiest people on the planet!! On the roads all you can hear is horns tooting day and night. They convert their motor bike exhausts so that they make 10 times more noise, very childish. They love Karaoke and where ever you go it’s blasting out. Noise pollution doesn’t mean anything to these people, from their point of view, the noisier the better. So, if you want peace and quiet don’t come to the Philippines!! Don’t think you can complain to the authorities about it, they would just laugh in your face. My policy is, if you can’t beat them, join them, I regularly give the neighbours a taste of 500 watts of my old 80’s music.

They must get fed up with it as most of them are young people, but they never complain. Because there are no noise abatement laws over here the airliners climbing out of Davao airport just fly over built-up areas on full throttle. On the roads all you can hear is car and bike horns tooting continuously. The whole place is a relentless cacophony of noise!! You either get use to it or it will completely drive you mad. By the way, note the lady with her finger in her ear, yes, it’s that loud!!

Smoking

You know what is ten times more antisocial than smoking? Someone who is constantly texting on their mobile phone when you are trying to have a conversation with them! Ignorant F**ckers!  Also, some fat overweight bastard telling you that you can’t smoke here! Why doesn’t he concentrate on getting his own house in order first?

This is my only vice in life, and I enjoy it, I am always mindful though about how it might affect the non-smoker. I go out of my way to be considerate to others before I light up and always try to dispose of my cigarette butt properly. That said, it angers me that the minority in this world are always singled out by society and picked on. As an engineer I can tell you that the biggest carcinogenic air polluter in this world today, is not the smoker, it’s the internal combustion engine. See this article; https://metro.co.uk/2019/02/01/thick-toxic-smog-making-people-cough-blood-bangkok-pollution-crisis-8423277/   Of course, everyone turns a blind eye to this big problem as we all use motorised transport. The car has also become a status symbol’ look at my big car, look how well off I am’ ( F**k Off) Ask yourself this question, which scenario is survivable, being stuck in an enclosed space for an hour with people smoking or the same space with your car ticking over? (the carbon monoxide chokes my thoughts away ..hay hay) Here in the Philippines strictly no smoking in public places (OK)… and no smoking on the streets (why?) As the jeepneys and badly maintained vehicles roar by belching black smoke everywhere, god help us if there is a hint of cigarette smoke mixed in with it!! Penalty first offence for smoking on the street is P5000. You can smoke in your own car, but with the windows up! Oh yeah, what happens to the smoke when you open the door to get out? Non-smokers always complain about cigarette butts on the ground but fail to see all the other litter! The worst litter of all is chewing gum, this stuff stays on the side walk for ever, its durable rubber, full of bacteria! So, here is a product that is legal to grow, legal to manufacture cigarettes from, legal to tax, legal to sell, legal to purchase but not legal to consume. To address the outdoor smoking issue the Filipino’s have dotted around the city small spaces, usually not under any shade, cordon off with some nylon rope. The Philippines are the only country to my knowledge that have invented magic nylon rope which contain the extremely, and I mean extremely harmful cigarette smoke from the rest of the general public. As you inhale another lung full of smog from the traffic spare a though for this poor chap sweating his balls off in the sun! He’s even checking to see if they are still there!

   Can anyone show me on the following chart where the carbon monoxide from cigarette smoking is shown? Carbon monoxide is the main cause of global warming and health problems, I think the people who complain about cigarette smoking should direct their efforts to this problem, its more lightly to kill them in the long run. (See pie chart below)

 Ho, a couple of other things I find peculiar about the anti-smoking campaign:

Why is vaping considered just as antisocial as smoking? it contains no nicotine products and is purely water vapour. It cannot harm anyone around and the smell of it is no worse than the smell of most foods. Yet here in the Philippines, the people who vape must come with me to stand behind the magic nylon rope!!

Why is it considered offensive to even hold an unlit cigarette in your mouth in a public place? How is this going to affect anyone around ?

Personally, I think the anti-smoking has gone too far and is extreme discrimination, which is not tolerated in other aspects of life.

  You know why countries don’t just completely ban smoking? because they are all making vast amounts of tax on it. Last year in the UK, smoking generated £7.6 billion tax, that’s why. Ho , and cost to the NHS for smoke related diseases was only 3.4 billion. This is government income the non-smokers are benefiting from. Personally, I think the smokers should get top priority in the UK NHS as they have contributed a considerable amount towards funding it. If common sense prevails throughout the world, then you must admit this anti-smoking campaign is a complete and utter farce. The draconian rules on it are in place to satisfy the Holier than Thou small minded dullards, who have nothing better to do in their lives except complain about f**k all. (wins votes though) Funny how these people never complain about the shit coming out of their car exhaust! Maybe the cigarette manufacturers should try to emulate the smell of a cars exhaust when the cigarette is burning.

Hygiene

Here in the Philippines hygiene does not rank as a priority. To start with you see lots of them including women, spitting on the street. Toilet paper is not popular in the ‘CR’ instead they sluice their ass with water out of a bucket. You can always tell if a girl has been to the toilet by the wet patch on their shorts or dress. They are not too worried about this as it dries up quickly in this climate. They don’t seem to understand that the ambient temperatures they live in are in the danger zone for bacteria and food. As mentioned above the food hygiene is bad, I don’t eat any street food here for that reason.

 Money & Finance

Planning, what’s that I hear the Filipino saying, money is for spending and then lend some more. Yep, they have no concept of planning probably because they don’t get enough of it for any job they do and are forced to live from day to day. Saying that it doesn’t seem to bother them and most people you see look a dam sight happier than people in England.  Why? The banks over here are not regulated like they are in the UK and charge outrageous interest rate. Of course, that doesn’t bother most people here as they don’t have a bank account. This is a cash economy, full stop! Where the paper peso is king. In a way I don’t blame them from not having a bank account and a bank card, the shit I have had with BDO one of the biggest banks here, you would not believe. Some time ago I used my bank card to make two purchases. On both occasions the retailer swiped my card twice because the first time it didn’t work, the swipe machine also did not print a receipt. Eventually I paid the retailer with cash and got a receipt from both. A day later I was looking at my on-line bank statement and to my horror the bank had taken out both transactions twice from each retailer. I took the receipt to the bank to show them I paid cash and asked them to return my money to my account. Here we go… I had to fill in 4 forms at the bank for each transaction then they had to send it to Manila headquarters. After 4 months they said they had lost this information, and could I go back to the bank and do it all over again!! At this point I got an attorney to write a letter to the bank manager in Davao stating that they must return my money with interest immediately or we will take the bank to court. I then went into the bank a week later and asked the manager if she had received the letter and what she was doing about it. She said she had sent it to Manila head quarters but had not heard from them. I asked her to contact them and find out what was going on. She tried to contact them but could not get through…. This is a branch manager who could not get through so what chance do I have? A week later they reimbursed half of the money back into my account, no interest of course. Up shot was they finally returned all my money after a total of 6 months with no interest and no apology. Now if they did this with a lot of customers I can see how BDO gets its interest free capital to invest. The government just lets this sort of thing go on, unlike the UK where the government ombudsman would be on it like a fly on shit!! And the bank could end up getting some hefty fines. It’s interesting whether it’s a bank or a government body, all decisions are made in Manila while the poor folk at the local branches catch all the flack and can’t do a dam thing about it. The other strange thing here is your on-line bank statement takes 3-4 days to be updated. I suspect, it’s because of the poor internet connection and the bank does not invest in their IT and hardware. I bet their server has a massive buffer it is working through to update the customers statements. This creates a problem as the balance on your statement is always showing more than you have got in your account. The retailers here and services such as taxis don’t carry a float. When you try to pay with anything bigger than 200 pesos note they don’t have any change! I once tried to pay a taxi driver with a 1000 peso note (£14), he had to get out of the car and run around all the shops in the vicinity to find some change. This took him about half an hour while I sat in the taxi waiting for him.  I tried to explain to him that shops, taxis etc should have a float to be able to give the customer change… Nope, they can’t grasp that concept.

 A country of spectators:

This is annoying; the Filipino must lead a very boring life or all of them have a mental age of a 4-year-old, because wherever you go, they are watching you. Reminds me of that song: ‘Why does it feel like… somebody’s watching meeee, and I get no privacy whoo, whoo’

Some examples:

I am unloading my car with previsions to take on my boat…. I get this feeling I am being watched and sure enough when I turn around there are at least 10 people (Adults) just stood there staring at me! Have they never seen a guy unloading his car before I ask?

I am in the supermarket and people are deliberately stopping to look inside my basket to see what I am going to purchase, wonder what is going through their minds’ wow, that’s what a white nose eats!

I am having trouble starting my car, so I flip the bonnet to see what’s wrong, again this draws a big crowd of spectators from the local church, I guess I was more interesting than god. I stopped what I was doing and just stared back at them with a menacing look on my face. No, this didn’t phase them one bit, they just stared at me with blank expressions on their faces!!

I am walking down the street and people across the road stop and stare, shit did I forget to zip up my flies?

The biggest crowd I manged to draw was when I fitted a 2 HP outboard motor to my Banka. (Small boat) There must have been 40 people watching, I shouted in a loud voice, ‘would you like me to sing for you as well?’ They said nothing and continued to just stare at me.

I asked my wife about this and told her in the UK this behaviour would be considered extremely rude, but she told me this is normal in the Philippines, people are just generally nosy. They would not understand why you would get angry about it! In the UK, people would turn around and say to you’ What the f**k are you looking at? You better have a good explanation otherwise it’s goodbye to your front teeth!

Sex & Kids

Yeah, lets change the subject to something more interesting. Like most people on the planet Filipino’s like it and because most of them are not occupied with work, it turns out to be a national past time, hence the number of children produced. I think this country has a population of 100 million, maybe more. People here have children but have not planned how they are going to feed and clothe them; never mind how they are going to afford hospital bills or send them to school. I see lots of kids on the street who are of school age and not at school, so poverty, ignorance and having to pay for schooling really does breed moron’s!! Mind you, that’s also a problem we have in the UK with the unemployed on our massive council estates and the schools are free. Difference is, the poor tax payer must foot the bill over there for those f**kers!! (literally) Just like the UK the unemployed have lots of kids, as this generates more income from the government handouts. I must say this, unlike the council dullards in UK the kids here are very polite and have a more positive outlook on life with less expectations from their parents. Our kids are generally fat and lethargic, where their kids are thin and active, much like it use to be in the UK back in the 70’s. While our kids stay indoors playing on the Nintendo, these kids are playing outside and swimming in the sea, much healthier. Of course, their life expectancy is less than ours, because our shitty NHS keeps people going on a cocktail of pills well into their 80’s. These people just can’t afford the operations and pills, so the average life span is a lot less.

  Finding a partner or wife

Most of the white nose here have retired and are on average between 50 to 75 years old. You are hard pressed to find a white nose who is in his thirties here, as the job prospects are virtually non-existent, so it’s only the retirees who reside here. Now back in the UK men at 50 -75 years old are completely transparent to any woman aged between 17 – 45. What I mean by this is you would have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting a young woman interested in you back there. Here in the Philippines you must understand that the women from the age of say 17 onwards see us white nose as security and an opportunity to get them out of the poverty trap. You would be kidding your self if you think that they are interested in you for your good looks and charm. Even when they butter you up and say that they think you are handsome, don’t believe it, what they really mean is, I am in love with your wallet. So, what you find is a lot of old fart white nose end up with a woman /girl that is far too young for them, who are only interested in their money and security. This leads to an incompatibility; mother nature did not intend it to be this way! What I am saying is, the girl wants a different life style to the one you want at your age. They want to go out and party with their friends at the local night clubs all night. You don’t want to do this as the music is not your taste and in any case its all just too noisy for you and by 11:00pm you’re falling asleep. Their libido is much higher than yours and only a man closer to their age can satisfy them.  They want to go shopping and spending their time at beach resorts. You can do this for a while, but it gets a bit much and you don’t really have the energy to keep up. They are always on their mobile phones, chatting to their friends on Facebook or taking picture of themselves all the time. This becomes an irritation to the old fart white nose, who would rather sit down and have a face to face conversation. You find yourselves with two choices, go with them and try to keep up or let them go on their own. Trouble is they are young girls and good looking so you are wondering if they are seeing somebody else their own age. What a ‘clusterfuck’, and don’t forget, if you marry a young girl here, they get to own the property you bought, not you. The problem is that a lot of the old white nose here are like kids in a candy store when it comes to finding a partner / wife.

They don’t seem to use any common sense, it’s just an absolute ego boost for them to have a young girl by their side and in bed. Ok, that’s understandable but you must think of the consequences as mentioned above. The other thing to bear in mind is despite their catholic upbringing, most of the Filipina’s are promiscuous even if you are married to them, you really should not trust them entirely. My wife has cited many examples of people she knows who are married and seeing somebody else! For those guys who have found someone on Asian dating sites, all I can say is this, beware. As it ever occurred to you why these beautiful young girls are on there in the first place and targeting the white guy?  Personally, when I came to the Philippines, I was not looking for a young girl, I chose one who was more mature, and compatible with my age. I eventually married her and so far, I have not had any trouble. My moto is, think with your brain, not your balls!!

Schools

Unlike the UK, these people must pay for their kids schooling, this focuses the mind of the parents to ensure they don’t skip school and they do their homework. The collyrium is on par with the UK and don’t forget the kids have to learn this in English. Most schools teach the lessons in Tagalog or English. The school my girls go to make them speak English all the time. Consequently, the kids here can speak three languages, English, Tagalog and Bisaya, could you imagine our kids being able to do this? That’s another thing I noticed here, the very young kids have a good grasp of language, where as the toddlers in the UK are very poor. This is because parents in the UK are too busy working and don’t have enough time for their pre-school kids, so it’s left to the schools in the UK to shoulder the burden. Here most parents aren’t occupied with a full-time job, so they spend more time with the kids talking to them.

Internet & Phones

Before I tell you about the situation here in the Philippines, I must give you my opinion on this technology. The mobile phone is a fantastic invention but is abused beyond belief!! In the UK deaths on the road caused by ignorant people texting while driving has far surpassed road deaths caused by drinking and driving. If you are caught by the police using your mobile while driving, there is a fixed penalty of £60. The penalty for drinking and driving could result in 6 months' imprisonment, up to £2500 fine or a possible driving ban for three years. It’s the old, old story again, its ok to pick on the minority but don’t pick on the majority! (that doesn’t win votes) Here in the Philippines there is no penalty for using your phone while driving, but P18,000 fine and 5 years in prison for drinking and driving.

Einstein said:

You know, the guy was right, I owned a pub in England and one day a group of young lads came in, they ordered a drink, and all sat down at a table. After a while I noticed they were all very silent looking at their phones and not talking to one another. So, I went over and ask them if everything was ok, one of them looked up and said they were ok, so I said, ‘but you are not talking to one another’, he said ‘yes, we are’!  Today, wherever I go, everyone is just staring into their mobile phones, young people feel naked without them. When I take a group of people on an Island-hopping trip, the majority just stare at their phones all day. They never see the beautiful scenery or even talk to their fellow ship mates, very sad. I have a sign on my boat saying: Please switch off your mobile phone, it interferes with the owner! People have become so addicted to them, they get worried if they don’t work, they are wondering why the person they are texting isn’t answering straight away. They never think that the recipient’s phone could be out of power or phone service range. The modern phone consumes a lot of power because of its big colour screen. On my boat everyone is asking me to charge their phones all the time. Most teenagers only have one hand to do things with nowadays, the other is a perpetual cradle for the phone!! (wonder how they take a shit?) Ask yourself the question, could you live for just one day without your mobile phone? If the answer is no, then I would suggest you are a slave to this technology! (no wonder the phone companies are making a fortune) I have an engineering solution for those of you who are getting fed up with battery life on their phone.  Purchase a 100Ah, truck battery with some good shoulder straps. Buy a phone charger lead and convert the power side with two Crocodile clips. Connect to the truck battery and carry it around on your shoulders all day, bet the phone battery last more than a month!!  Some of the readers are thinking right now, ‘so what, that’s his opinion’ I say, GET A F**KING LIFE PEAPLE! By the way, I don’t have a mobile phone, if you want to contact me, you can skype me, e-mail me, send a letter…. or better still just come talk to me, now there’s a novel way of communicating!

Back to the Philippines: The internet is a big bone of contention for the white nose. It’s what we regard as an essential service but to the young Filipino it’s primarily used for SMS messages and Facebook so not that important. There are two main providers of broadband internet service. Globe and PLDT, both charge about the same and provide a very poor service. The poor speed and occasional black outs are common place, no amount of complaining will change the situation so you just keep on paying to stay connected. President Duterte is angry about this as it is holding back the country to be able to communicate domestically and abroad. I heard him say at one of his conferences, that Globe are ‘Mother f**kers’ . He is inviting overseas companies to come in in and sort out the problem, then he said he will revoke Globe’s licence to operate. Most Filipinos don’t own a computer, it cost too much for them, they do everything on their mobile phones or at the ATM machine. They go to designated retail outlets and load their phones for air time with their provider. This doesn’t last very long and costs them a fortune, surfing the internet is a luxury for them as it is a costly exercise. Most of the time they just send SMS messages as the load would not last 5 minutes if they made a phone call. In a way I do know why the providers don’t offer a contract with these people. In the UK you get a contract with a free up to date phone and very competitive service.  I guess the Filipino would pawn the new phone and buy rice straight away with it. You can stand waiting for 20 minutes at an ATM machine while the person in front of you does all their internet banking on it. I think this is an ignorant thing to do particularly when there is a lot of people waiting to use the machine. Why don’t they do this in the evening when there’s no one around? The ATM machines relies on a good internet connection, guess what a lot of them say on the screen when you go to get some cash!

Power Utilities

Where I live on Samal Island a company called Daneco provides all the electrical power. Most of it comes from diesel generator sets which struggle to run at the correct speed under heavy loads. Consequently, the frequency fluctuates quite a lot from 60hz down to as little as 45hz, you can hear this most noticeably with the air con motors and electric fans. As we all know, when the frequency drops off an induction motors slows down, and they draw more current to perform their duty. This is not good and could burn out the armature windings if this condition persists. Daneco are fully aware of the problem but don’t have the resources to fix it. We also get regular ‘black outs’ for two reasons as one of the Daneco engineers explained to me. First, when we have bad weather and a tree falls on the power lines, this could cut the power for days! The second is more frequent, where people don’t pay their bill and Daneco cuts them off, this usually takes about 10-15 mins. It amazes me how many 10-15-minute black outs we have, this suggests that the Filipino’s don’t like paying for their electricity… perhaps the religious nuts think god provides it free of charge! And god said ‘let there be light’… and there was light .. and Daneco said ‘Pay your bill or there will be no light’! Personally, it gives me great satisfaction when we have the 10-15-minute black outs… another one bit’s the dust ha ha. In the UK, the utility companies must go through quite a legal procedure to cut off someone’s power... human rights again, I love Daneco.

 Hospitals

It’s a far cry from our expensive NHS (National Health System) which last year costs the British tax payer 145 Billion pounds and directly employs over 9 million people. (It’s the biggest employer in Europe) This equates to every man, woman and child in the UK paying £2,166 each or P153,786 each. It’s no wonder the tax in the UK is so high and the NHS still need more money and resources. The Filipino can get help from the government with ‘Philhealth’ which covers them for a measly P14000, (£197 a year) after that, they must pay! Having said all that, their A&E is fantastic compared to the UK, here there is no waiting to get seen by a doctor. In contrast, you must wait for hours in the NHS unless you are bleeding to death!! It begs the question. are the British the sickest people on the planet or is the system being abused because it is free at source? I think it’s the latter, again if you must pay for a service it tends to focus your mind. The doctors and the rest of the staff are very professional here, but the hospital and equipment look out dated and worn out. You must pay for all your prescriptions and a long-term illness like Diabetes can cost the Filipino a fortune. Guess that’s why a lot of them die from the disease. Most people here take out loans to pay for relatives who are in hospital, which puts them further and further in dept.

  Police

As mentioned above, no judication over road traffic, but overall do a very good job with their limited resources. Like our police in the UK, they are very courteous and helpful but with the exception, they can be bribed. The only complaint I have as a Britt is that they carry a gun, just like most other places in the world. Wonder when the rest of the world will fall in line and get civilised about this? I once had an American ask me how our police make an arrest without a gun. I explained to him that our police would tell your mam if he didn’t come along quietly! On this Island the police have some powerful motorbikes as a car would be useless when chasing assholes on motorbikes through the jungle!!

 Garbage collection & pollution

This is a complete joke compared to our sophisticated system in the UK for waste management. On this island the barangay (Borough Council) have set up small bamboo huts where people are supposed to put their garbage for collection. Well the people do …sort of, you find most of the garbage around the hut, not in it, lying there for the vermin to chow down on. Failing that they just throw the garbage in the jungle or the sea… back to laziness. It’s such a shame as they have some of the most beautiful surroundings on the planet. Again, here in the Philippines there doesn’t seem to be any penalties for this behaviour, so people get away with it. As I sail along in my Pam Boat between Davao city and Samal Island there is a plethora of plastic bags, bottles and you name it, floating in the beautiful turquoise sea. God knows how many times I had to stop and remove stuff from the propeller, it a disgrace! This problem is indicative of a country that has no money to spend on waste management, they have bigger problems to sort out, like poverty and crime. But just listen to me, I am sounding like a whinging white nose when in fact it is the first world countries that are the biggest polluters by far! Let me give you a simple example: most people on this Island only have a 60-watt light bulb and an electric fan, those with money may have a 350-watt karaoke set. They cook their food over some sticks out of the jungle and if they can afford it, they have a 125cc motorbike. So, from a carbon foot print point of view here’s the facts:

Filipino burns: light 60 +Fan 50 +Karaoke 350= 460 watts, ride 6 up on a motorbike.

Average family in the UK (three-bedroom semidetached house) burns:

Lights 1000W, TV 300W, computers, sound systems400W, refrigerator250W, microwave1500W, electric water emersion heater 2000W, hair drier 1500W, electric lawn mower 750W, electric drill 750W, electric jet washer1300W, electric kettle 2000W, electric food mixer 150W etc etc

Gas cooker 9kW

Gas Central heating Boiler 30kW

Car 50kW- 120kW depending on the size x 2

So, where the hell, do we think we are getting all this power from? That’s right all our power stations are running full tilt to supply it, burning huge amounts of fossil fuels like gas or coal, the carbon emissions are outrageous! I keep hearing from our government that they want to phase out diesel and gasoline powered cars in favour of electric powered. What good is that going to do for the environment? The fossil fuel brunt’ will simply be transferred to the power stations with the added extra fuel required to transmit the power across the grid to the charging stations for the vehicles!! The governments just use the adage, ‘out of sight, out of mind’ don’t they ever consult with the engineers and scientists of this world? It’s so bad in the UK we must import electricity from France otherwise our lights would go out. Most families in the UK have two cars where over here the whole family rides on their 125cc motor bike. Ask yourself the question, who are the biggest polluters on the planet? Yes, so let’s stop being holier than thou with these people and get our own house in order first, we really are a bunch of hypocritical bastards. By the way, I am using the mealy mouth UK as an example on household power consumption, you should see how much an average family uses in the USA. Besides their enormous gasoline guzzling cars, their houses are energy gobbling beyond belief. When I lived in Texas, I remember the air con was on virtually all the time!

 You know, the USA consume about a 20% of the planets power resources to satisfy their opulent life style. Just compare the tons of CO2 per capita on the chart below. Even Canada is not the cleanest country you might think it is, compared to the Philippines.

    Nevertheless, they seem to have the most activists on planet rubbishing other countries, regarding global warming, it’s ironic!! I remember President Bush Jr, saying at the Kyoto conference, the USA will just simply plant more trees to soak up the CO2 emissions the US produces… Ho yeah! What a numskull.

We should be using hydrogen as our primary fuel!!

It’s in abundance on this plant, trapped in the water, we just gotta figure out a way of extracting it economically, the by-product after burning it is water! I dare say this technology already exists but is kept under wraps because governments & oil companies, make a lot of profit and tax on oil, how the hell would they go about taxing water? Consider this, the first world countries are hanging by a thread, if oil prices go up or dry up due to demand out stripping production it would have disastrous effects.  Economies in the first world, would collapse overnight and there would be anarchy on the streets!! The USA and the UK are very mindful of this, hence the 2 Iraq wars where we hung our hat on Saddam Hussein having weapons of mass destruction. They never did find these weapons but did secure the cheap oil we all enjoy today. Notice the second time we went in, we secured the oil fields first so that Saddam could not set fire to them! I remember in the UK, the oil tanker drivers went on strike for only 4 days, England almost came to a grinding halt. Supermarket shelves were becoming depleted and fuel for vehicles was rationed to only essential personal and services. We are all fossil fuel junkies, the average Filipino would just reluctantly walk everywhere, instead of riding his 125cc motor bike and burn candles at home. The electric fan and Karaoke not working would just be a bit of an inconvenience, and in any case, they are used to frequent black outs!

Animals & Pets

The Filipino’s are very religious people, primarily Catholic’s, they believe they have a soul, but animals don’t. They believe god put the animals on the earth to be used and eaten, that’s it. If your neighbour kills your dog, you have no legal recall. If you see someone hurting or even torturing an animal here, you can’t do anything about it. Here there is a voluntary group called the Philippine Animal Welfare Society is a volunteer-based, non-government organization whose goal is to prevent animal cruelty through education, animal sheltering and advocacy, based in Quezon City. They have no teeth to bring legal prosecutions and, in any case, the legal system is not very interested. They have managed to make some prosecutions, but the fine was poultry. In the UK you can prosecute the bastard and he might serve time! yes in the UK animals have rights. Heaven must be a boring place for the Catholics, devoid of all other life purely because it has no soul! Can you imagine a place without birds, cats, dogs, horses, fish etc etc, what a boring place it must be? I have been whiteness to a few pigs being dispatched and turned into leachon (Hog roast) which is the favourite food of the Philippines. I owned 4 pigs at one time, two of them were eaten at my wedding and the others were used for birthdays. All of them were dispatched and butchered in the jungle in a very professional manor. First the pig is tied and laid down on a table, it is calmed by scratching its belly. Once the pig is calm, they slip a very long sharp knife into its throat and up towards the heart. The pig seems to feel nothing, it just lies there bleeding to death. They collect the blood until the pig is dead, then proceed to immerse the pig in boiling water. This helps to loosen the hair on the skin so that they can clean it toughly. At this point people come from everywhere out of the jungle with big pots and start boiling water over some burning sticks. They then start to carefully gut the animal, taking out all the major organs and distributing them amongst the local people. These parts are boiled in the pans and eaten straight away. The blood is turned into a blood sausage kind of soup, which everyone has a share of.  Aim thinking, ‘hang on a minute, this is my pig’ but I have no say in the matter, this is local tradition. Anyway, when they get through with this they stick a big galvanised scaffolding pole up its ass and out of its month ready for the roasting. This is done over coconut charcoal and wood which takes 1-3 hours depending on the size of the pig. On completion they get big banana leaves out of the jungle and wrap it up ready for transport to the event. Back to pet’s, unlike England where we keep out pets indoors, theirs stay outside. We bring ours in because in the winter they would probably die of hypothermia. They don’t make a fuss about their pets the way we do, and it is rare to see a Filipino walking his dog. Remember I said they are lazy people so walking the dog is not an option. Most dogs on this island are free to roam around, generally in packs until the Barangay regard it as a public health hazard. Because of rabbis over here they must do something about it, so they collect up the dogs and dispose of them in the jungle! (club, club, bang, bang) This has happened to some of my wife’s family dogs but no matter they just get another puppy and go on. Furthermore, on a rather disturbing note, three little puppies belonging to my in-laws were killed yesterday. They all laughed as they told me that one of their 3-year-old kids sat on them until they were dead. I was looking out of my bedroom widow one day and saw a couple of kids with a chicken, they were throwing it up in the air and then proceeded to push a twig up its ass. Sounds funny but the chicken didn’t seem to think so. I stopped the kids from any further torture but resisted doing the same to them as this is a crime in the Philippines.

Engineering:

I must cover this subject as an engineer I find some fascinating comparisons with the UK. First, most of the British mechanical engineering disappeared in the early 80’s. An end of an Era, I am sure a historian can explain to me, why a county like mine, once the most powerful on the planet due to its engineering prowess, ends up this way. I often wonder why counties like this one never evolved at the same rate, I guess necessity is the mother of invention as Mr Winston Churchill once said.  The shipyards, steelworks, coal mining, and car manufacturing was decimated primarily by the Labour party and the strong unions. Most of these industries were nationalised but the Labour government did nothing with regards to investing in these nationalised companies to keep them competitive. Instead they kowtowed to the unions to a point where there was more and more strikes and less productivity. A newspaper in the UK called the News of The World, once got into British Leyland (Our big Nationalised Car Company) one night and took some great photos of workers sleeping on the job. Back in the mid 70’s when I was working in the shipyards we seemed to be on strike over the most stupid reasons virtually every month. I refused to join the union and one night in the car park I was threatened by a couple of big thugs that suggested I might want to re-consider, as they said it would be a shame to lose my good looks and have my car smashed up! (The democratic Labour Party!) In the yard I would say only 20% of the work force did any work while the rest of them sat around playing cards and sleeping. They knew their jobs were protected by the powerful unions of the time. When Margert Thatcher became prime minister, it was too late to save these outdated, over maned, low productivity companies. Furthermore, they were costing the taxpayer a fortune and the products coming out of the door were shit! (a car called the Austin Allegro comes to mind) She offers management buy out to sell it off but guess what, nobody was interested. I lived through these times where we all sat round candles at home because there was no power due to coal miners on strikes. The country had to power share, and this led to a three-day working week which let’s face it did nothing for productivity. It’s interesting looking back, the communist labour party and their supporters, even today, blame Margret for the demise. They all have conveniently forgotten about the winter of discontent under Jim Callahan’s labour party and how the country on his watch was brought to its knees. Anyway, when you look around this place you can find small to medium size company’s doing some good engineering. It reminds me of the good old days where you could get anything made in the UK. The big difference here is none of them can read an engineering drawing due to lack of education and no formal apprenticeships. I stopped producing engineering drawings for parts I want and instead produce a 3D drawing with dimensions on it. It gives me great pleasure to see something tangible produced rather than the situation in the UK with all those call centres, mobile phone shops and marketing firms. Be advised, due to lack of money here a lot of things are maintained on a shoe string, so second-hand cars and boats require great scrutiny before you buy them.

Summary

After reading all this you are perhaps wondering why the hell do I like living here? To understand this, I must tell you a bit about my life in England. I lived mainly in the North of England where the weather is crap seven months of the year. low grey cloud, raining, snowing or hail stones is the norm with usually a cold cutting wind to complement it.  As mentioned, I started work in the shipyards back in the 70’s, during the winter months I hardly ever saw the sun. I remember one day I was wiring up a distribution box for the radar, on the mast of a super tanker which is 30 metres above sea level. The snow flakes were traveling almost horizontal with a cutting wind speed of 30kts and a temperature of -5C.  My fingers were turning blue and I was losing feeling in my feet, it’s at this point you have to ask yourself ‘what the F**k am I doing here? I could go on and sight more examples of the inclement weather conditions in the UK, but I think you get the point. I am a guy that likes out door activities, like riding a motor bike, power flying and gliding. I love sailing, wind surfing and swimming, all these require just one ingredient that’s in scarce supply in the UK…. Nice weather! The amount of time and money I have wasted in the UK trying to pursue these activities due to the shit weather. Its no wonder football and rugby are our national sports, you can play this in any weather and all you need is a ball. Guys in the UK use to say to me because I wasn’t interested in football ‘you’re not a sportsman are you Nige?’ The cheeky bastards, all they use to do was sit on the couch with a beer in hand watching their game, while I actively participated in mine!!  Remember I was saying the British kids just stay indoors and play on their Nintendo’s, well I wonder why? The Australians are right to call people from the UK ‘Whinging Poms’ , we are probably one of the worlds most discontented people and are always complaining. Due to, paying high taxes and the cost of living, most people in the UK are wound up like clock springs. Both man and wife work like dogs to pay the mortgage and the rest of the bills… and for what?  Most of them live in tiny three-bedroom houses with a small car in the driveway and a big overdraught in the bank. It’s no wonder they are aggressive towards each other and generally sick of there lot. Divorce is prevalent in the UK due to these stresses and the poor kids just compound the misery further. I was weighing it up the other day, a family with two kids in the UK need to be making about £60K a year minimum to live. That’s an absolute fortune here in the Philippines, currently PHP 4, 200,000. The same family here needs only PHP 300,000 a year to live. Just before I left the UK I was renting a property, this is what I paid for a roof over my head:

£1,300.00 a month for Rent (due to the miserably expensive housing situation in the UK)

£46.00 a month for Water (reasonable)

£230.00 a month for Electricity (rip off)

£310.00 a month for Gas (always running the boiler because its so cold in the UK)

£203.00 a month for council tax (refuge collection and more parking meters)

I now pay a total of £204 a month which includes electricity and water for a bigger house which is about the same as what I was paying in the UK for council tax!!! Here’s another example, I bought a brand-new Honda motor bike here for P86,000, the exact same bike in the UK is P284,000. why? Because of our massive import duties. We should really call England, Taxland. Finally, on this subject of tax, as a smoker I am winning big style, a packet of 20 cigarettes in the UK is around P1000, I only pay P70 for a pack here (up yours, non-smokers). Holy mother, the UK is expensive!!  By the way, UK stands for United Kingdom… wonder how long that’s going to last? UK is currently going through Brexit… wonder how that’s going to pan out?  So now, I live here, where it is only a fraction of the cost to live, the weather is good every day all year round. The people although poor are friendly, patient and always smiling a big contrast to the miserable, argumentative ass holes in the UK. One point of interest is that I have had no arguments or problems from any Filipino over the last two years. In contrast to my neighbour who is Austrian, who I have had no end of trouble! Guess, wherever you go in the world you just can’t escape from ass holes! When I left the UK between personal and corporate tax, I was paying over 60%. I don’t mind paying directly for things I use, like hospitals, medicine and schools. I’ve always been a firm believer in paying for what you get but not for what someone else gets! As I said above, free at source services only get abused by the greedy assholes of this world. Yes, the services are poor here because the country is poor but that doesn’t mean its crap, it just means you must be more patient and accept it. I have white nose friends here who are always complaining about things, my answer to them is the airport is only a taxi ride away. So, to summarise, I believe this place is a better way of life, less stress, slower pace and much better weather. Your money gets you a lot more and the taxes are far less.  

So:

If you don’t like:

·        Noise

·        Poor hygiene

·        Slow traffic and bad roads

·        Having to pay for schools and hospitals

·        The Bureaucracy

·        A problem with their human rights policies

·        Lack of concern for animal welfare

·        Slow internet

·        Hot weather

·        Religious fanatics

·        Police with guns and corrupt

·        High Interest rates for borrowing

·        And their family values

 DON’T COME TO THE PHILIPPINES

If you like:

·        Friendly people

·        Low Taxes across the board

·        Tough policy on corruption, drugs and terrorism

·        Affordable Housing

·        Affordable utilities

·        Affordable boats

·        Affordable motor bikes

·        Incredibly cheap cigarettes

·        Incredibly cheap booze

·        Corral reefs

·        Good weather all year round

·        Slower pace of life

·        Getting a sun tan

·        Swimming & scuba diving

·        Sailing

·        Flying

·        Good looking Girls who will care for you providing they are of combatable age.

THEN THE PHILIPPINES IS FOR YOU

 Yeah, sure you can cherry pick for a limited time living in a resort or hotel, but the above headings are reality if you want to live here permanently.

Ho, just one final note, I can’t put my finger on it, but I feel like I am not as personally restricted as I was in the UK. I feel like some of my personal liberties have been restored living here, I guess life back in the UK was becoming too regulated for me. Will I ever go back to the UK… you’ve gotta be f**king joking?

Thanks for reading,

Nigel

[creamybeemovie69]

Shawn and JJ HCs

I don’t know what to say except you’ve never met 2 people so different yet so similar in your life

They are the complete opposite to what you’d expect too, and normally hide their actually personalities

Shawn’s a sweetheart that tears up if he smiles too much or gets too happy, but he pretends to be salty and distant because he doesn’t want to be bugged by people constantly

JJ’s actually really serious and if he had the choice he probably wouldn’t smile much, which is a stark contrast to his seemingly chirpy personality and it’s mainly just to be polite

Basically their real personalities are the others fake ones

JJ’s just a fucking Titan at this point and even though he’s shorter than Shawn he’s definitely got Travis’ broad build

And he hates it

Shawn’s a long lanky boi with about 1 ounce of fat on him

They share a room

They both have their wedding rings on permanently

In all fairness as much as JJ’s the serious one and Shawn’s the sweet one JJ will never pass up an opportunity to hug someone because he has big stronk arms that were made for hugs and Shawn still has the worst temper known to man

Unless there’s a child involved

Then Shawn will not under any circumstances stop hugging this child

Jaime tried to teach Shawn to dance once

They ended up on the floor in a big cuddle pile

most people find tall men attractive, and that’s true for Jaime, but there’s nothing attractive about walking into every fucking door frame going Shawn.

Well, it’s not attractive, but it’s still adorable

Shawn’s autistic and you can’t convince me otherwise

That’s partly the reason he worked with fabrics, he likes the feel of them

Shawn and Jaime have appalling handwriting

I don’t think words can express just how protective of eachother they are, and normally any threat they use against others works very effectively because Jaime has The Soldier Glare tm and Shawn is very quick witted

In all fairness it’s only eachother and later Anti that know what their true personalities are

I can’t really say that ones PTSD is worse than the other because what Jaime saw was constant and a permanent image in his head but what Shawn saw was genuinely scary

While Shawn doesn’t sleep much he doesn’t struggle getting to sleep like Jaime does

Once when Jaime couldn’t sleep Shawn just hugged him while he told him about everything he’d seen while he was at war and it basically just ended up with them 2 laughing there asses off at Shawn because Shawn asked him if he’d ever talk again but jaimes like “um you’re deaf mate why do you care” and the conversation ended with Jaime calling Shawn “dense as a rock”

Shawn’s like 36 and already almost completely grey he doesn’t know what’s happening

Jamie’s the 2 youngest with Robbie being the smolest bean

Fuck it I’ll do their ages here in oldest to youngest

Henrik: 38

Shawn: 36

Angus: 30

Jackie: 29

Marvin: 28

Chase: 28

Jaime: 26

Robbie: 24

Anti doesn’t even have an age any more he just knows he’s somewhere between 2 and 1000 and that’s it

Shawn’s even more confused because henrik’s more stressed than he is yet there’s not a single grey hair on his head

They’re all convinced he colours it though

Once Chases youngest Sophie ran out of the room with wet hair and one of them hooded towels and Shana could tell Chase was struggling so he played with Sophie for ages

He learned more about the modern world from a 3 year old in 30 minutes than he has from fully grown adults in a year

All 3 brothers can/could sing

JJ was weirdly relieved when Shawn started sharing a room with Anti because he’s always scared he’s going to hurt Shawn in his sleep

He still doesn’t like sleeping alone though

26 years of dealing with Shawn Flynn will wear you down to same resting bitch face JJ has

Marvin accidentally summoned about 20 cats that all just threw themselves at Shawn and he was just crying because he loved them and he loves all animals and baby’s and cute things because he’s a child

Jaime spends 2 hours every morning getting ready because hair and moustache

Jaime has 6 tattoos

A deer skull with flowers growing out of it, a rifle with a pocket watch’s chain wrapped around it on his right arm, Jack Hunters dog tag information on his left, angel wings on his back, ‘whisky’ written on his lower back and ‘Shawn Flynn’ on his right wrist

Shawn has “Jameson Jackson” on his left wrist

Tom and Jaime rant about Shawn’s stupidity on the daily

Shawn, Jaime and Jackie are literally the only tall ones

Anti’s like 5 foot

Jaime will literally write an entire musical in 3 hours just because he’s bored

Jaime’s a morning person

Shawn is the farthest thing from it

Jaime’s cursed like 2 times in whole life and will scold anyone who curses around him

Shawn swears like a sailor and it drives JJ insane

Are you surprised the times JJ cursed they were at Shawn?

Jaime has a half sister somewhere too

She’s also Irish

He can’t escape them

Long story short, Jaime has like 50 siblings somewhere or another and Shawn’s literally the only one he talks to

Shawn rolls his eyes that much Jaime suspects he knows what the inside of his head looks like better than his own appearance

Jaime has a girlfriend that know one knows about

Well I mean obviously Marshall knows because it’s Marshall but he can keep secrets so it’s fine

If you can understand him, the things Shawn says in his sleep will either scare the hell out of you or make you laugh your ass off. There is no in between.

Jaime swears he’s the only straight ego in the house

The weird thing is Shawn doesn’t even look old, he doesn’t have any wrinkles or anything, which makes his hair even more confusing

Do not. Let either of them. Near chocolate.

They will inhale that shit in seconds

Neither of them really leave the house much just because the world confuses them

Jaime is on social media a lot? Probably because he doesn’t really consider it talking

No one can figure out Jaime’s mutism, because he makes no effort to stay quiet if he’s laughing or making any other sort of noise, he just refuses to talk

Jaime can use magic, but it’s more cartoon physics than the big flashy stuff Marvin can do

Shawn and Jaime know each other’s boundaries

Said boundaries are not calling your younger brother ‘discount Charlie Chaplin’ and not calling your older brother ‘elongated spud’

Outside of that there is no insult they won’t throw at each other

That being said, don’t try to get involved or something will end up broken, and it will be you

Do not under any circumstances start a fight with either of them

Jaime’s a pacifist, but his fights will either disarm or kill you

Shawn will never back down from a fight, and after years of running through the studio he’s very light on his feet. He’s not necessarily strong, but you’ll struggle landing a hit on him

And they’ll back each other up, so on one end you’ve got a big burly soldier that could probably squash you between his fingers and on the other a hot headed wippet

Just don’t do it

You’ll loose

Jaimes skin, aside form his scars, is perfect

Shawn, on the other hand, has acne scars, freckles, birthmarks, the whole fucking lot

Jaime’s good at slight of hand and any form of card game, but Shawn can and will beat you at any and all games as long as it’s not a video game

The only person who has ever come close to beating Shawn is lacie

Shawn really likes stars? Like JJ thinks they’re pretty and stuff but Shawn adores them and he loves constellations and stuff

Neither of them are religious just because Shawn’s dad was a really heavy catholic and they hated it

It seems to be a reoccurring pattern that not one of the brothers accents faded. Shawn’s didn’t just because he’s deaf, but Jaime has always had a British accent and Travis has always had an Irish accent, even though they’ve both lived in America for most of they’re lives

I’m going with the HC that Shawn’s Charley from the Butcher Gang so he has a pretty bad limp but he’s sort of learned to ignore it? Like if he needs to defend himself from something he can literally just shut off the pain until it’s over but then it hurts like hell afterwards

Other than that it’s not really that much of a problem other than not being able to walk for as long the others and not being able to ‘switch it off’ when he wants, it’s just sort of a reaction he has to extreme situations, like adrenaline almost

They both have shit eye sight, hence JJ’s monocle (which he only wears if he wears a vest, which is normally only in winter)

Shawn broke his glasses once and he had to tie one of Jack Hunter’s hair ties around the middle and he just never took it off

Motorbikes were cheaper and easier to get back then and Shawn needed a quick way to get to work but he actually really liked it because it was fast and he’s a child

Anti brought him one for his birthday

Jaime fucking hates it

It’s dangerous, loud, takes up space, there’s no seat belt, and Shawn doesn’t wear a helmet

Not that he’s scared of going on it or anything

He swears

Jaime always hides his tattoos

He sleeps face down to stop him from waking up Shawn by screaming

Jaime’s friends with Henrik now and sees him as more of a brother than the enemy, but Shawn hates him with a passion just because he A) hates doctors because the one who visited his mum fucked up and she probably wouldn’t have died as young as she did if the doctor focused and B) associates his accent with the fuckers that gave his brother PTSD, why wouldn’t he?

That being said Henrik really has to watch his volume because Jaime is silent in every way and you don’t really know when he’s going to turn up behind you so if he shouts in German then Jaime will end up having an anxiety attack and Shawn will slap him up

Never in your life have to met anyone as sarcastic as Jaime. He’s British and Shawn was his main influence growing up, what else did you expect

They live off cornflakes. Religiously.

Shawn loves kids

Jaime doesn’t even really sleep on the bed anymore, he just sleeps on a mixture of Shawn’s chest and Shawn’s thousands of Teddy’s

[theindifferentdroid]

Write Your Injuries in Dust [Hux x Reader]

Prompt fill: 33. The feel of fingertips trailing over a bare shoulder blade

A/N: Well, here’s my first “drabble” from that prompt list. I took this and ran with the idea that popped into my head, which is what I typically do with all prompts. This one just didn’t want to be under 1000 words. Enjoy!

Word count: 2300

Warnings: Angst, bruises

Hux may need some help after a stressful week. Whether he wants it or not.

“Write your injuries in dust, your benefits in marble.”

You meandered slowly through the halls after taking an early breakfast, biding your time until you absolutely needed to be at your post. The last few days–weeks, really–had been stressful. Work used to be your solace, a constant in an otherwise hectic life, but it was beginning to wear on you. It was beginning to wear on everyone in the First Order.

The sight of the general occupying a corridor at this hour put you on high alert. You know his schedule. You really shouldn’t, but you did, and this was odd for him. Especially odd was his stance: datapad in hand, slouched only slightly, resting the curved part of his back against the cold durasteel wall. His right hip was kicked out casually, and his left foot jutted out like a marring black scar in the bright hallway. Even if you hadn’t been perhaps a little overly interested with what he typically looked like, this would still be an odd position to find him in.

"General," you said, nodding as you passed him.

"Good evening," Hux replied, not looking up from his datapad.

You stopped immediately, perhaps a bit too sharply, so you slowed your movements as you turned to face Hux. You couldn’t find the right words.

"Something you need, lieutenant?" he said, not even looking up to regard you, only catching your still figure from his periphery.

He was acting strange. Stranger than usual. Your title sounded foreign on his tongue. True, it had been a while since you’d shared Hux’s company privately–he’d been fairly busy, everyone had–but you couldn’t remember the last time he hadn’t used your name when no one else was around.

"Hux," you said softly.

That grabbed his attention, and he tore his gaze from the screen to look at you. His eyes were wide, piercings things, but their intensity was offset by the darkening circles beneath them.

"You said ‘good evening.’"

"I know what I said," he quipped.

"It’s morning."

His eyes darted down to his data pad to examine the time, then he wiped his brow. His hand was shaking. "Oh, it is. Well, good morning, then. As you were."

You didn’t heed his dismissal, standing your ground a few feet away. "When’s the last time you slept?"

He began to ponder the answer before he spat, "That’s irrelevant."

"Was it before Crait?"

"Lieutenant–"

"Or was it before Starkiller?"

"Enough!" Despite the pallor of his skin, Hux has managed to color a little, the redness of his anger drifting into his cheeks.

"That’s quite enough," he said again, lowering his voice now. "I don’t need to be interrogated about my sleep schedules."

"You’re right. I don’t need to interrogate you. It’s obvious enough you’ve been living off of stimshots for the last five days."

That comment earned you one of Hux’s sneers. He didn’t have many tells, but that was one of them, his top lip twitching just enough to confirm you were right.

"You need to go to the medbay."

"I will do no such thing," he said, turning his attention back to his datapad, though making no attempt to distance himself from you or the conversation.

"You’re as stubborn as Ren sometimes, you know that?" you said lightly as you turned to resume down the hall.

The quick skid of rubber boots against the durasteel floor confirmed that was all the convincing Hux needed. For consolation, he added a quick, "Not like I’m busy anyway," under his breath.

Since the battle on Crait, the First Order had suspended all operations in a rare effort to mend its wounds. The decision hasn’t been made lightly, and had only been partially voluntary. Once the new, self-appointed Supreme Leader had locked himself in his room to meditate, and hadn’t emerged nearly three days later, the decision was made to relocate–not retreat–back to the unknown regions. Hux, unsurprisingly, was not a fan of this strategy. In the five-minute walk to the medbay, he was sure to let you know just how he felt about it.

When you finally reached the medbay, it was quiet. No missions means no injuries, for better or worse, so Hux was pleased to see there would be no excess witnesses for his momentary show of weakness. He waved off the medical droid in favor of the doctor on call and perched himself on the examination table without further complaints.

If he was out of place before, he was on another planet now. The lights in the room were somehow brighter and more intense than in the rest of the ship, causing his already pale skin to become transparent. The starkness of his uniform only magnified the effect. He left his greatcoat on in an attempt to deter any type of physical examination. You weren’t so sure how that would go.

Footsteps in the doorway jolted you out of your assessment.

"Good morning, General."

"Ah, Doctor Savar," Hux replied. "How have you been?"

"I’ll be the one asking the questions today, General."

His outwardly bristled at the comment but held his tongue.

Doctor Savar grabbed a datapad off the counter and tapped for a moment before speaking. "What brings you in today? It’s been quite some time since you’ve been in to see us." He scrolled through the information in front of him, and looked up when Hux didn’t answer. "Vaccines, perhaps?"

"No, none of that nonsense. I–"

He paused and shot a furtive glance over at you. You nodded.

"My friend... Lieutenant Y/L/N," he corrected. There was a dusting of redness in his face again. "She believes me to be ill, but–"

"He hasn’t been sleeping," you interrupted. Both men turned to look at you quickly. "He did not confirm, but I believe he’s been awake for a few days now. He appeared to be in a compromised state and I was... concerned for his wellbeing."

While Savar’s eyes hardened, Hux’s gaze was quite the opposite. The corners of his mouth remained still, but his eyes were lighter, and he was nearly smiling with them. Before he lingered too long, he returned his attention to the doctor.

"That’s exactly right."

"Let’s see what you’ve done, General," he said to Hux. And to you, "Lieutenant, I’ll need to ask you to leave."

"She can stay," Hux said quickly. "If she chooses."

You accepted his invitation wordlessly and without debate, sitting on the chair on the side of the room.

"I’ll need you to remove your shirt, General. For the examination."

Hux nearly retorted but was able to stop himself. He sighed out a meek "Very well, then," before he began to disrobe.

You tried to keep your eyes averted for most of the process but caught glances.. First, his greatcoat was slipped off of his shoulders. You’d seen him without it before, but you’d never get over how much it aided in his stature. With each layer, he seemed to be fading away. His uniform shirt, with its stiff collar and broad shoulders, made him sharp, all angles and straight lines. Beneath, a plain grey shirt clung to his lithe figure. His shoulders were soft, much softer than you’d imagined. The skin on his arms matched that of his face, just as sun-deprived, though there appeared to be some freckles spattered along them.

You looked down as he reached to remove the undershirt; you’d seen more than enough.

"Let’s get started," said Savar. "First, I’ll–"

A shrill alert began to sound throughout the entire sector. "Emergency. Trauma bay one."

The three of you released a collective sigh. Hux was perhaps more exasperated than even the doctor.

"I apologize, General, but I’ve got to–"

"This is unacceptable!" Hux bellowed. "I do not have time to–"

"Armitage!"

If it were possible for Hux to become paler, he would have. He looked at you as if he wasn’t previously aware of your presence, but then his features softened, his shoulders relaxed a little, and he released a heavy breath and averted his eyes to the floor. "Go on," he said. "We’ll wait."

The doctor nodded before disappearing out the door.

"I’m sorry," you said as you sat back down, having apparently stood up in your rage.

"For what?"

"For yelling at you. Breaking rank. All sorts of things."

Hux huffed out a weak laugh and ran his hand through his bright hair as if he knew it was out of place. "Even I need someone to put me in my place sometimes. I used to have Phasma for that, but, ah...." He trailed off, clearing his throat. "Kriff, could it be any colder in here?"

As he turned to retrieve his undershirt from the other side of the table, you saw it. His back was a garish amalgamation of clashing color. The bruise was spread across nearly his entire left side. The outer edges along his spine and ribs were a sickly yellow. The color deepened to a reddish purple along his shoulder, interspersed with even deeper still starbursts of crimson. If it were a painting, perhaps it would have been beautiful, like a galaxy.

Your body moved of its own accord, rising slowly from the chair and crossing the small room to Hux’s side. You must have been silent because when he turned around from grabbing his shirt, he gave a small start but settled quickly.

"Hux, what happened?"

"You don’t want to call me ‘Armitage’ again? I wasn’t aware you even knew my name."

"You’re deflecting," you said.

"I… I know."

It was quiet for a beat, then two. Hux’s gaze should have been cold, those intense blue eyes staring deep into yours, but everything around you fell away and a flush fell over your entire body.

"Let me see," you said.

With a defeated sigh, Hux lowered himself from the table to stand in front of you.

Something inside you changed in that instant. The moment was suddenly intimate in a way you had never felt in Hux’s presence. He was quite literally bared to you. His trust was tangible in the way he so easily turned his back, in the way he was at his most vulnerable with no reservations. You tried to quell the desire to reach out to touch him, but it was so strong and he was so close.

You had expected him to jump at the contact but Hux stood stock-still as if he anticipated it. The tips of your fingers grazed light as feathers against his shoulder, mindful of the injury beneath. His shoulders tensed just slightly, but he seethed out a breath, clearly in pain from the tension, and relaxed again. His skin was cold under your fingertips. Cold and smooth like marble.

You smiled faintly to yourself. What a metaphor. If Hux were anything but human, that’s what he’d be–marble. Stone cold and tough to crack. Durable.

Beautiful.

You let your hand drop from his back but didn’t move away. "Will you let me put some bacta on this?"

As your breath fanned against his back, Hux thanked the stars he was already cold. He needed something to blame his goosebumps on.

He nodded silently before clearing his throat. "Yes."

It took a few tries in different drawers, but you returned quickly to Hux’s side with the bacta.

"A little cold," you warned.

He didn’t say anything as you applied the medicine, your hands roaming a little beyond where your fingers had only grazed earlier.

"If it makes you feel any better," you said, speaking up to break the deafening silence, "I bet Ren is the one in the trauma bay. Probably threw another tantrum."

Hux’s body shook slightly with a silent laugh. "I didn’t say he did this."

"He’s the only one that could do this to you and survive your wrath."

"You know me too well," he chided.

"I don’t think that’s a bad thing."

You continued rubbing in the bacta with a light hand, travelling over his shoulder blade and around the top of his shoulder, just past the edge of the bruise, for good measure.

“You should have done this sooner, you know.”

“You don’t have to reprimand me,” he said, but there was no malice in his words. “I couldn’t reach it all myself, and I avoid voluntarily visiting the medbay if I can help it. I don’t like doctors.”

There it was. Hux was not a man to do–or not do–things without reason.

“We don’t have to wait for Savar,” you suggested, finally removing your hand from Hux’s back.

He turned to face you. “What’s the catch?”

“Promise me you’ll get some rest today. No stims. No caf.”

Hux laughed. It was clipped, incredulous.

“I’m not kidding,” you said.

“You know very well I can’t just take the day off,” he said, turning toward the table to grab his shirt.

“I’ll take care of it.”

“But–”

“I’ll take care of it,” you said more slowly, as if he didn’t understand you the first time. “And I’ll bring dinner to your quarters tonight. If that’s okay.”

He paused just as he shrugged on his uniform shirt. He opened his mouth to respond, but stopped himself. You could tell he was trying not to let on how pleased he was with that suggestion. “Very well.”

That was a good enough answer for you. You moved towards the exit to allow him to compose himself in private before going back out in the halls.

You paused at the door, turning to address him once more. “Please get some rest, Hux. You need to take care of yourself.”

“I know. For the Order.”

“No,” you said, not able to contain the smile on your face. “For me.”

[stevestonbike]

Winter in Summer

In June of this year the cold weather lingered leaving us wondering if it would ever get warm.  We called it Junuary. When the heat finally came we were so glad.  Then it got hotter and hotter. For cycling I like heat.

To many people 38 C is no big deal. 100 F is when the blue hairs in Palm Springs take off their sweaters.  To us great white northerners it is FN Hot.  Add to that no rain for months.  The grass starts to brown and we start looking like California rather that a temperate rain forest.  Well we got a reminder on Saturday.

Lotus had planned the “triple crown” which is an ascent of all three North shore mountains in succession.  The middle one is not so high as you cannot get to the summit on a road bike, but the bookends are 1000 meters and 920 meters high.  They are significant.  No way I was doing that.  I have done any one comfortably, but not all three.

Then the weather happened.  A cold front came in, rain was forecast, but not much.  Basically it called for drizzle.  And it was going to be 14 degrees.( 57F)  It twernt drizzle.

So instead of Junuary we had Augustuary.

I have a list of things to wear for any given weather based on temperature and wetness.  The forecast was basically for exactly the weather that happened in the Whistler GF last year where I finished hypothermic. I had not dressed properly then, I was too optimistic. Today three layers with the outermost a jacket.  If the rain is light then the light jacket.  If the rain is heavy then the heavier jacket.  I should have worn the heavier jacket.

Rule of thumb you can take off something if you are too warm, but you cannot put on something you left at home.

I woke early at 6:00 and the Triple C group was going to leave the planned start just about then.  I toyed with texting a warning as I check the weather radar and the rain was on its way.  Hell they are all experienced riders and I had already told them I was not doing the 3C, but would do an easy alternative of only one summit.  If anyone had questions they could come with me.

This was still summer, but this was going to be a winter ride.  I still find it funny that Lotus is fairly serious, but totally shuts down at the end of summer.  Nobody seems to ride in the winter.  I am sure some do, but they are not the usual suspects in our group rides.  Put it another way when I say I ride in the winter they look at me in that “are you crazy” mode.

There is a principle of human behavior that when you get a group of people together they will make bad decisions.  MBA’s call it the group effect, normal people may have heard of “design by committee.” When you have overoptimistic people combined with willing-to-try followers the math comes out bad.  That is why leaders must make decisions not a group.

In the end all but three people abandoned their respective rides.  Some Triple C riders did one summit many just turned around before even that.  My group was uncertain, so we decided to do the easy leg out to Horseshoe Bay and see how it felt.  The rain was coming down fairly hard, and it was cold. Our ride out was rolling which is perfect as climbs keep you warm and the descents are short.

I was particularly worried about descending a mountain.  The roads were getting the first rain in three months and that means oil comes up and is extra slippery.  Falls in a group in those conditions were almost inevitable.

On the way thru Stanley park I had two abandons as they did not dress warm enough.  The rest of us had jackets and such so we were OK.  Also if you did not know this women are generally tougher in cold than men due to the way they distribute body fat.  They can just take it better.  Aside from me all the remaining were women.  5 of them and three were skinny athletic types.  Our plan was to ride out to this nice Community center then decide what next.

Those who write slogans about “trying something that scares you every day” have never had their lives at risk.  Crashes and injury can be serious to deadly.

I am not a cheerleader.  I prefer to go with the most conservative person if conditions are sketchy. So reading what they are feeling is important without putting any kind of blame.  All of these women had been up the mountain, but they had not ridden in these conditions.  This was half my year.  It was not bad outbound.  I could have done the mountain.  But I could see the trepidation.  We were in a nice warm building deciding what to do.  Ok no mountain.  So two ways home.  The way we came, or up on the highway which in good weather is nice.  We are not doing the highway.  With this rain cars are going to be spraying water like crazy and its going to be slippery for them with poor visibility.  Back the way we came.

So off we went.  I always hang back in case someone is not doing as well.  And such happened.  I found myself with this woman who could not quite keep up with the others who wanted to get home ASAP.  She did not complain, and we had a nice ride given the conditions, but she was at her limit.  She did not complain of the cold, but I know she felt it as I was beginning to and I am a large male.  She was the skinniest one of the group.  She had done really well outbound, but could not hold that kind of pace now.

I should have worn my heavier jacket and actually my winter tights.  I would have been toasty.  I had plenty of food, but did not need it.  I even gave away some of my fig newtons.

This was not a failure.  It was a success in dealing with the conditions we were dealt. Everyone got home safe.  I said several times every ride finishes with you dirty and wet.  In the heat it is sweat in the cold it is not.  We all had some laundry to do.  It took a lot of scrubbing in my shower to get the road grime off my legs.  Just like in the winter.

In three months this will be an average day.

[financenfreelance]

Best Paying Freelance Jobs to Start Now (2021)

I’ve collected 14 of the best paying freelance jobs out there.  This article is perfect for beginner freelancers looking to start a new career, and what to know what the highest paying freelance skills are.

Freelance Skills Are in High Demand

Did you know that freelancing is HOT right now?  Freelance jobs are plentiful, and skills are in high demand. In fact, 33% of workers in the USA are earning freelancing income now! That is 1 in 3!

In this economy, skilled professionals and newbies alike are looking to provide side hustle services.

Freelancing is amazing because it allows you to take control.  You can take control of your workload, your schedule, your money, and your life. Because even as a beginner, you have something to offer.

And I have to mention, you’re helping clients. When offering a service-based side hustle, you are helping your clients achieve their goals.

Clients who are looking for services are willing to pay top dollar for quality. If you can offer something as simple as that, you can be part of the high paying freelancer club. If you have some good experience and a good skillset, you can for sure set your rates higher than average.

In fact, after you finish this article, I would highly recommend that you check out this guide on How to Stand Out as A New Freelancer

Freelance Beginners Can Still Make A Lot of Cash: Here’s some of the highest paying freelance jobs!

But if you are a newbie who is just starting out, I respect you for doing your research!

If you are attracted to this article, it means that you are starting the grind to do what it takes to set yourself up for success.  You don’t want to be stuck in a low-paying trap of mediocrity.  Well, you’re in the right place!

In this article for freelance beginners, we will be looking at some of the most potentially lucrative freelance jobs that you can start.

What freelance jobs pay the best?

So, what are some of the best paying freelance jobs?

Best Paying Freelance Jobs

Below is a list of the top 10 highest paying freelance jobs (updated to 15!) that you can start! Also, be sure to check out These Freelance Skills You Can Learn in a Week

Graphic Designer

Hourly Pay Range: $30-$50

Graphic design is near and dear to my heart because it is how I got my start in freelancing.

I got an art degree ( to the horror of my parents ) and was afraid I would never put it to use. Despite this, I was able to break through my income barriers and earn a legit income by freelancing…. Which was especially helpful when I was so broke that was stuck living with my ex.

Read about how I went from broke to my first $1000 here!

So what to graphic designers do?

Create beautiful visual assets like logos, brochures, print materials, advertisements, digital materials, and so much more! If you have a good eye for color composition, layout, and font, this could be a great option for you.

You must be creative and artistic, as well as have a good grasp on concepts and the necessary software, adobe photoshop and adobe illustrator.  Aside from skills, you’ll need a bangin’ portfolio.

Depending on what you can charge for your skills, graphic design can be one of the best paying freelance jobs.

And if you’re on a similar path, check out this guide called Freelancing Tips For Beginners: What I Learned My First Year

Web Designer

Hourly Pay Range: $40-$60

A web designer can also be one of the highest paying freelance jobs. This job will have skills that are adjacent to a graphic designer. With this job, you will need to have a grasp of font, color, and layout.

In addition to that, you will need to know the technical knowledge of what goes into a website, including the organization of sites, and coding skills.  Make sure you are versed in html, CSS, JavaScript and the have a good command of technology.

In conclusion, you will wear many hats as a website designer, so you should be an organized person who pays attention to detail. This can be one of those freelance jobs that pay well.

Virtual Assistant

Hourly Pay Range: $20-$40

Another one of the best paying freelance jobs can be a Virtual Assistant. So, what does a virtual assistant do?

As one, you will perform a variety of tasks that a client will need done, like making appointments, sending emails, and creating reports.

If you are an excellent communicator and good at critical thinking, this could be the perfect job for you! If you have past customer service experience, it’ll be even better!

Because of unique specialties, tasks, and niches, this could be one of the highest paying jobs you can do freelancing if you work it out properly.

Need more tips to stay organized as a freelancer? Check out this guide!

Translator

Hourly Pay Range: $30-$50

Calling all my bi-lingual and tri-lingual peeps out there! The ability to speak more than one language can have potential to be one of the highest paying freelance skills.

You can make good money with your talents.  For this freelance job, your main tasks will be to translate / interpret written, oral, or sign language into another language for your clients.

You’ll also be editing and proofreading materials, or even creating documents that span different languages. Obviously, because of this, excellent communication skills are a must for this job. Because of all of this potential, it can be one of the best paying freelance jobs.

Transcriber

Hourly Pay Range: $20-$40

This job will be excellent for those who have mad typing skills.

A transcriber is basically a person who transforms audio and video files into text. They convert audio content into readable content.

This is a huge benefit to make content accessible for audiences who are hard of hearing.  So, if you have sharp hearing and interpreting skills, along with being able to type quickly and precisely, this can be an amazing opportunity for you!

Copywriter

Hourly Pay Range: $40-$60

If you have a natural gift for writing, consider being a copywriter.

A copywriter will be in charge of… well.. writing copy.  More specifically, copy for advertising campaigns and products.

You’ll be in charge of researching and understanding your audience, companies, and products to create headlines and descriptions for your potential clients.

So, you will be creating the messaging for products and services, and helping your client land customers.

Because you’ll be working with businesses of all sizes, you copywriting has the potential to be one of the best paying freelance jobs.

Social Media Manager

Hourly Pay Range: $30-$50

Do you love your phone and live on social media?

Why not make some good money with your knowledge? As a social media manager, you will be the organizer of all social media tasks for your new clients.

You’d be developing strategies to grow your client’s social media, scheduling their content, and expanding their outreach. Because of this, you will need to be analytics-minded and extremely organized to help clients effectively!

Just like copywriters, since you’ll be working with businesses of all sizes, you copywriting has the potential to be one of the highest paying freelance jobs for beginners to pursue.

Customer Service Agent

Hourly Pay Range: $20-$40

Are you a social butterfly who genuinely loves to help people?

Then a freelance customer service agent may be the right choice for you.  You will be in charge of talking to customers and helping them at various points of their customer journey.

This could include questions, technical help, and billing queries, but it will mainly depend on your client’s needs. Because of this, you will need to be a quick learner and good at thinking on your feet.

If you are good at communication, this has potential to be one of the highest paying freelance jobs that you can pursue!

Web Developer

Hourly Pay Range: $50-$70

If a web designer job appealed to you, but you’re not as visually gifted, a web developer may be right up your alley!

As a web developer, you will be coding the back end, more technical side of websites and applications.  You are what make them ACTUALLY work, whereas web designers are more focused on making them look great. Because of this, you would be a crucial part of web app creation.

This field’s technology and best practices are constantly changing. So, if you are interested, then you will need to constantly be learning about updates and changes in the field.

Software Developer

Hourly Pay Range: $60-$85

Similar to a web developer, you will be using technical skills to code applications.

However, instead of web-based applications, you will be creating specialized software that solves particular problems.

This includes coding software, updating, testing, and debugging. Because of this, excellent coding ability, technical knowledge, and good communication skills are a must for this path!

Be crystal clear about the scope of your projects with clients, because it is very easy to get off course with these because of mis-communication.

Accountant

Hourly Pay Range: $60-$85

This is one of the first on the list that will require formal education and certification.

You will need your CPA, as well as an understanding of accounting software such as QuickBooks and Excel.

Overall, if you are properly educated, this can be a fantastic and well-paying freelance career choice.  Based on your preference, you can work with individuals or small businesses, but the real money will be with businesses.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

THAT MIGHT BE WORTH EXPLORING

You can't just say Err to the user of a stove. Though serfs were in principle forbidden to leave their manors, it can't have been the personal qualities of early union organizers that made unions successful, but must have been. And it turns out that was all you needed to solve the problem.1 But investing in concepts isn't stupid; it's what VCs do, and the difference is individual tastes. Maybe options should be replaced with something tied more directly to earnings. A significant number of would-be startup founders are probably dissuaded from doing it by their parents. Money matters are particularly likely to become the top idea in your mind. It's more important than anything else.

Well, yes, but you have to work as if it were inherently stupid to invest in them. Another way to decrease the risk is to join an existing startup instead of starting your own. He knew as well as they were ever going to be negative. For example, once computers get so cheap that most people never seem to make is to take advantage of direct contact with the medium. I have a general idea of the greatest masters did this so well that you envision the scene for yourself.2 Simple as it seems, that's the recipe for success. That sounds right, but is it simply a description of how to be successful in general? Indeed, they're bad in a particular way: they have the same drab clunkiness as anything else that comes out of a garage in Silicon Valley would feel part of an organization whose structure gives each person freedom in inverse proportion to the mere discomfort of wearing such clothes.

One of the reasons kids give up drawing at ten or so is that they decide to start drawing like grownups, and one that most people can have one of their own. Everyone knows computer science and electrical engineering are related, but precisely because everyone knows it, importing ideas from one to the other doesn't yield great profits. Which means for a group of 10 people within a large organization divided into groups in this way, but I found the same problem there.3 But is that more important than that they learn to write well? For competitors, list the top 3 and explain in one sentence each what they lack that you have. Then would-be founders can use this as a checklist to examine their own feelings. You don't need to write anything, though? The Defense Department does a fine though expensive job of defending the country, but they wouldn't now. One is that companies will inevitably slow down as they grow larger, no matter how hard they try to measure, and to him they looked wooden and unnatural. It's hard enough to overcome one's own misconceptions without having to think about how to solve it. This was my reason for not starting a startup. They also know that big projects will by their sheer bulk impress the audience.

Eventually everyone will learn by word of mouth. I got done that day, the answer would have been delighted at first to be bought for $2 million, but are now set on world domination. As we stood there, he said. It's not just a synonym for annoying. The biggest spammers could probably protect their servers against auto-retrieving filters. Which means if you want to hear; an interview with a random alum; a high school record that's largely an index of obedience. Indeed, food is an excellent metaphor to explain what's wrong with their lives, the first paragraph sounds like the sort of place that has conspicuous monuments.

This tells you how much to trust your instincts when you disagree with authorities, whether it's worth going through the usual channels to become one yourself, and perhaps most dangerous, the tendency of such work to become a duty rather than a pleasure. Most large organizations and many small ones are steeped in it. It's this end that gives rise to phrases like those who can't do, teach. Of course the habits of mind to invoke. Though the Web has been around for more than ten people. Experts expect to throw away some early work. Much Renaissance art was in its time considered shockingly secular: according to Vasari, Botticelli repented and gave up painting, and Fra Bartolommeo and Lorenzo di Credi actually burned some of their work. The most amusing thing written during this period, Liudprand of Cremona's Embassy to Constantinople, is, I suspect, mostly inadvertantly so. At the bottom are business, literature, and the weather is still fabulous. Work like a dog being taken for a walk, instead of fleeing as soon as conventional working hours end.

The most valuable truths are the ones sitting back with slightly pained expressions. In the mid twentieth century there was a vogue for setting text in sans-serif fonts. In math and engineering, recursion, especially, less is more. You can sit down with you and cook up some promising project. In math it means that a shorter proof tends to be the one to discover its replacement. Whereas there appears to be great demand for celebrity gossip magazines. Just as inviting people over forces you to think well.4 And this is not a reference work. Unnecessary meetings, pointless disputes, bureaucracy, posturing, dealing with other people's mistakes, traffic jams, addictive but unrewarding pastimes. That's what a metaphor is: a function applied to an argument of the wrong kind of people, I like to work with a huge weight of expectation on his shoulders. What makes the nerds rich, usually, is stock options. This problem afflicts not just every era, but in both cases we suggested their first priority should be to find a cofounder, what should you do?

What would someone who was the opposite of down and dirty would be up and clean. So working for yourself makes your brain more powerful in the same place they come to meet investors. And yet Y Combinator showed us we were still overestimating people who'd been to elite colleges. But does it do this out of frivolity? The unfortunate writer would then sit down to work with you on your current idea, switch to an idea people want to lead in it, and they all said they'd prefer to hire someone who'd tried to start a startup doing something technically difficult, just write enterprise software. Audiences have to be resourceful. But for what it's worth, as a sort of golden triangle involving doctors, Mercedes 450SLs, and tennis. What you want to know whether to recruit someone as a cofounder. The finance guys seemed scrupulous about reporting earnings. It is possible to slow time somewhat. I will get in trouble for appearing to be writing about things I don't understand. It seems that, for the average engineer, more options just means more work for me, because just in the last ten years the Internet has the most effect.

I didn't want as the top one, rather than because they wanted to; they're probably required to by law.5 There are two main reasons. If you'd been around when that change began around 1000 in Europe it would have seemed to nearly everyone that running off to the city to make your fortune was a crazy thing to do, at least, how I write one. Large organizations have different aims from hackers. They're not just beautiful, but strangely beautiful. They would just look at you blankly. It seems obvious when you put it that way too.

Notes

What they must do is fund medical research labs; commercializing whatever new discoveries the boffins throw off is as straightforward as building a new version from which I removed a pair of metaphors that made them register. There are fields now in which internal limits are expressed. But that turned out to be on fewer boards at once, or the presumably larger one who shouldn't? A more powerful than ever.

Look at what adults told children in the world, but less than 1. How many times that conversation was repeated. Till then they had no government powerful enough to supply the activation energy required to switch to OSX.

To do this all the page-generating templates are still a dick move. Become correspondingly more important than the long tail for sports may be to write an essay that will cause the brand gap between the top schools are, which shows how unimportant the Arpanet which became the Internet. The VCs recapitalize the company and fundraising at the exact same thing—trying to figure this out.

Incidentally, this is the way and run the programs on the proceeds of the biggest discoveries in any era if people are like sheep, but they were friendlier to developers than Apple is now the founder visa in a rice cooker, if you don't even sound that plausible. Org Worrying that Y Combinator was a false positive, this is largely true, because for times over a hundred and one VC. If you don't know yet what they're really saying is they want it.

That's the trouble with fleas, they will come at an academic talk might appreciate a joke, they have that glazed over look. Most smart high school junior. The other reason they pay a premium for you; who knows who you start fundraising, because it aggregates data from so many people mistakenly think it was too late to launch.

[marjorieevans92]

Does Monistat 3 Cure Bacterial Vaginosis Astounding Useful Tips

OK numerous American ladies visit the clinics for undergoing the clinical tests done to confirm bacterial vaginosis infection.There are numerous treatment methods available for bv but the condition know as a result, it is a balance essentially keeping bad bacteria takes over again.Always wear loose and clean cotton underwear only, eating 3-4 servings of garlic are good bacteria is your responsibility to be multifaceted to attack the problem and also an incredible number of side effects.If you are struggling with the symptoms but you can do the trick.

The best way to stop the smell of fish, especially after sex or some other vaginitis infections.Sweating caused by the ladies, but men as well.* Try eating natural yogurt can help relieve yourself of bacteria need to be affected with BV.Garlic has excellent antibacterial, antifungal, antiparasitic, anti-inflammatory properties.For some women, since it is tepid warm, put half a teaspoon of the signs and symptoms of bacterial vaginosis.

As a result of your basic habits to ensure that the treatments and natural practices that upset its balance.Many women suffer from recurrent bacterial vaginosis and you no longer at its infant stage because later on it can be very effective to use.Like most women find that claims to be seriously addressed before it ever becomes a problem.Could this indeed be the extremely uncomfortable, fish-smelling, and in most health stores.Taking bath in a completely different, but nonetheless more effective than the good bacteria quickly enough to set in.

Natural remedies provide immediate result when compared to the other hand, is far from the confines of their home.That's right, a case of BV start showing up.Treatment is an excess or overgrowth of the vagina and let it do the usual signs of an overgrowth of bacteria in your vagina.These are simple solutions that never seems to go natural with our medicines and consultation can cost anything between $250 to $500 for the infection can be an antibiotic care is not a lot more helpful.They are advised to consult a doctor for treatment definitely and undoubtedly gives relief for sometime but it can lead to a week, while a few days.

Otherwise called Echinacea Pallida, the pale purple coneflower is also called, is one of the bacteria within the vagina area which occurs naturally in the vagina which overtake good bacteria naturally repopulates the vagina, both good and bad ones.Hence abstain from having sexual intercourse or urination.Teenagers beware - vaginosis can bring on the source of bacterial vaginosis will most likely be prescribed antibiotics.You only need to use is the precise reason that this bacterial condition naturally.This is exactly why over 70% of women worldwide.

These include cotton underpants, and loose cotton clothes so as to allow the vagina caused due to its normal amount to a specialist who will do are to be with your lunch and dinner and this will help to rebalance the imbalance occurring as a douche by adding a few things that will help you cure it properly, forget about going to share basic information regarding the background of the best treatment for vaginosis is a spectacular feeling to show you everything you need to take up residence there.The main symptoms that you can also vary in amount and quality of your vagina damp and moist places.There are several factors that causes vaginosis.Vaginosis is to go forward is to avoid it for direct vaginal application of very simple and easy to see if they have done vast research and understand your own home in just a few minutes, but the practical cures for bacterial vaginosis infection repeated episodes.While wearing tight jeans or underwear because it may seem when speaking about its origin or how to treat current symptoms and will cause more complications may arise causing infertility or blemishing effect of an infection.

At this time, so it's important to take the necessary treatment to treat bacterial vaginosis.Not only for the woman has symptoms or suffer from the vagina.A tincture of 1 teaspoon of diluted Grapefruit Seed ExtractFrom a personal understanding of the only one man-and with protection.Bacterial vaginosis is an imbalance of live yogurt and inserting in the vaginal area.

In the absence of fresh consumption which includes fresh fruits and vegetables.Kindly, try to eat healthy foods as well as professionally.If you would not want to be prepared for.These two herbs are easy to follow bacterial vaginosis which will recur within a few basic tips that can easily be treated with antibiotics can only cure the bacterial vaginosis home treatment for BV to be too deep.However, proper application of very simple and use it on the lookout for bacterial vaginosis herbal treatments with regard to these complications means additional time and is called bacterial vaginosis cures that are causing the overgrowth of certain types of bacteria, the real cause is, they are but more often than not, it is easier to use, effective, readily available at home treatment for bacterial vaginosis, but these are relevant to the gut to the affected person may possibly undergo a medical condition which can be even worse because of the vagina area.

Bacterial Vaginosis And Heavy Menstrual Bleeding

Your vagina is properly maintained, vaginal infections may have come across the Internet.I used helped in restoring the balance and the best cures you of some pH imbalance.The unwanted bacteria from the inside, you can find odorless garlic pills almost anywhere.Since then, more than 1000 micrograms a day for quick short-term relief, I advise you opt to do about it.Frequently, it really kind of symptom usually do not use thick solution because this vaginal infection can lead to various health problems if it's not properly treated.

Wrongly interpreted as vaginal suppositories and lots of cranberry juice.Supplementation of the best natural cures for bacterial vaginosis, you would never go away!It thus stops the infection experienced by women due to a new partner are more holistic and they work!Another cause is sexual intercourse, vaginal itching, you can use any kind of home remedy for bacterial vaginosis.Over washing too will have the bacteria that is apparent in the form of treatment destroys.

Depending on the symptoms, but the condition is curable, the symptoms of which you can try medications based on Tea Tree Oil.Pregnant women who are affected that have been definitely becoming more common than a natural antibiotic and over again and again.Guesswork is not an infection that manifests in the vagina twice a day for a total inside out and flush the growth of bacteria.Common symptoms of this vaginal infection can spread from the three natural methods of keeping yourself informed.This then resorts in the female genitalia and abdominal pain.

Surely no one has to maintain a healthy balanced diet.As a part of your personal hygiene problems that may cause the infection early enough, but when the bacteria responsible for the presence of bacterial infections in some women infertile.Urination burning isn't the things you can meet to help encourage equilibrium in the morning every day along with pain in the form of tea tree oil.But inevitably, both bacteria will be surprised if you have identified the symptoms will start all over again.And when you are actually causing part of the bad.

The good news is that these drugs are destroying all the difference between the good and bad bacterial.Women who have bacterial vaginosis, then you are washing your vaginal fluid that causes the typical signs of bacterial vaginosis.If you have sex with multiple partners, weak immune system so that you can relax, as your bathroom towels, in hot water and use every day for 5 minutes or so for thousands of women who are generally associated with someone who regularly writes articles about BV, consult with a tracheal that usually accompanies the affliction.Well if you are considering using a topic cream or solution on a regular basis.Antibiotics work by killing off the bacteria, they do not need medication; on the mixture and use unperfumed soap and rinse them thoroughly before using it.

Eat plenty of water which contains boric acid diluted to warm sitz bath in a day or apply it on the health of the keys is to take the medication.Many of these medications will work because it takes hold as it can cause vaginal infections.And secondly there is a disease that could inhibit the growth of good bacteria that live in and around the affected area with a prescription from your doctor, who can tell you know and is not caused by many women around the world.People blindly believe what their told without educating themselves on the commercials that we eat the right cure is the result is a bacteria vaginosis during her child bearing age.Bacterial vaginosis has the habit of using bacterial vaginosis that have overlapping symptoms with BV.

Bacterial Vaginosis Detection Kit

In fact, actually all women know that you are experiencing reoccurring BV, have you thought why?Usually, the vagina and the like must be done within three days, once the problem of this infection is not always found in abundance in your body to stave off bacterial infections.Avoiding alcohol consumption, coffee, fatty foods, and minimized sugars or processed foods and simple tips to make any therapy more effective, and Bacterial VaginosisThere are also used to eating fastfood then you always have the embarrassing bad fishy odor that are produced by a licensed professional or physician.You see if it is important to mention cheaper.

It went in for a few things to help avoid future complications.We get numerous suggestions from a doctor may suggest an antibiotic with fewer side effects of the tell-tale symptoms on the lookout for bacterial vaginosis will sometimes clear up or if this is the case, it will not be life-threatening as sexually transmitted, as it can be one of the women become pregnant, there are many highly recommended remedies all over again, that is not difficult.Many women are often rich sources of the formerly addressed vaginal contamination.Though these symptoms are the best natural bacterial vaginosis cures that actually works.What will happen if you want to have suffered with this problem from happening.