#the fact that im begging the health care system for help and they just look at me indifferently... makes this all worse T-T

[bunnihearted]

i feel like many ppl dont understand just how unwanted i am and how deeply it affects me... my presence isnt wanted anywhere, and wherever i go i feel like im not allowed to exist. im never anyone's first choice. never the first favorite friend. never this never that. like im never the first choice for anyone, just now i almost got hit by a car bc the driver chose to not hit another person close by. they would've rather hit me than that person. and that's just how it goes for me wherever i go. im lucky when and if im even tolerated. but im not wanted or the first choice or the favorite. that just makes me feel so profoundly alone, like i dont belong anywhere or is even allowed to breathe the same air as everyone else.

[tvslashers]

i am about to ramble and it may not make that much sense but i gotta get it out of my system. So listen. I think that care for my psychiatric problems, and i mean true care that would really help me in the long run, is entirely not accessible with the way that things in the psychiatric care industry are. And you may say, oh is it because it’s too expensive? Too far away? But no, it is not any reason like that. It is simply due to the fact that I cannot be honest with any mental health professional without risking losing my autonomy. I know for an absolute fact that if i was honest with any health care worker about my mental state that they would institutionalize me. I have already on multiple occasions had to push aside my dignity to BEG literally beg them not to send me away due to wanting to hurt myself or being delusional at the time.

But does this help at all, really? Does shaming me and threatening me stop me from wanting to hurt myself? Of course not. But instead of opening up an honest and harm reductive channel for people to deal with these urges it is punished. And I am not exaggerating when I say that this kills people. It’s so taboo still that even bringing it up to people who are usually pro harm reduction as a treatment method for drug addiction suddenly become extremely uncomfortable at the idea of the same model for self harm (which can also be an addiction!). Suddenly everything about how shame and criminalization harms people flies out of the window. I’m not dumb, I understand that it’s super easy to accidentally kill your self when you’re cutting yourself. But freaking out on people will not stop them from doing it. Putting them in the psych ward involuntary for however long and just drugging them up and forcing them to try cognitive behavioral therapy mechanisms that don’t fucking work (if someone tells me to squeeze an ice cube one more time i will heap my lid) will not stop them from doing it. Frankly the only thing that stops me right now is everyone hiding sharps from me and knowing that if i do it it’ll just upset everyone around me and i don’t want to deal with the headache. I know it’s upsetting to see people you love in pain. I know it’s scary, it’s hard to look at, it can be ugly. But shaming it away is not the answer. I’m not going to pretend I know what the answer is either! Because im just someone who learned how to cope by harming myself and no one has helped me learn how to kick it because i can’t talk about it. But I do know what the response it right now to it is not working. For anyone.

[literaphobe]

(you don't have to answer if you don't want to) but i was curious how you found out you had adhd? esp since you mentioned being singaporean cause like i also grew up in sg and like barely anybody (gov, school, ect) mentioned adhd stuff growing up and tbh i feel like i only saw it in tv and stuff so im curious? also no yeah adhd is a struggle but i know you can do it you're like the sexiest girlboss blogger i know :DDDD

essentially i had a breakdown when i was 15 and i was skipping school so much (i would go one day and skip the next for instance) for mental health reasons i was also addicted to spn at the time like i mean u know my hyperfixation and well i will say that while i would read spn fanfiction and go through the dash when i skipped school it was also not the reason i skipped school like it was just... id just get dressed for school and then something in me would stop halfway and id go back to be and i was getting so much detention and i was suspended multiple times (IN SCHOOL SUSPENSION IS SO BAD THEY MAKE U SIT OUT IN THE OPEN IN FRONT OF THE GENERAL OFFICE AND STUDY ALL DAY LIKE DAMN COOL I DONT EVEN GET TO LEARN THE TIME I COME TO SCHOOL EXCELLENT SYSTEM GUYS) and yeah i remember running to one of my mom's friends house (it was a 2 minute walk away) to sit nearby and secretly use the wifi bc my mom turned the wifi off at our house thinking it would somehow make me more well behaved and she took my phone away and locked it in her drawer so i learnt to pick locks and one time i hid it and she got mad and screamed and got violent etc she had like a friend install something on my computer so i couldn't use it and i just... found a way to remove it somehow anyway um i did not respond well to my freedom being restricted but the adhd diagnosis thing happened bc one day i broke down in a doctor's office bc i was so sick of lying to get doctors letters (sometimes i wouldn't even take the effort to go and just let them suspend me) and my father had stopped speaking to me and didn't visit me for ages as punishment for my school skipping ways (my parents r divorced) anyway lo and behold i begged for help i thought i was depressed and i got an appointment w a mental health person and i was diagnosed for adhd (which came as a shock to me) (in hindsight it should never have been a shock) and well my school was threatening to expel me but after they found out i had adhd my principal was like huh... what are u and i was like i got this thing called medication im gonna try and take it and i pinky promise i will try and come to school more and well a bunch of my family members got all up in hands and refused to believe i had adhd so they brainwashed my mom who believed i had adhd at first (the doctor told her i had it) to thinking adhd wasn't even real and i had this tutor who took a 5 minute adhd test ANSWERED IT FOR ME WITHOUT CONSULTING ME and claimed to my mom that he had proved i didn't have adhd to this day my mother still does not really acknowledge the fact that i have adhd and when my dad found out i got diagnosed he looked up stuff on adhd and began to claim "my adhd is worse than yours!" and years later brainwashed himself into thinking he got me adhd help (so i reminded him that i broke down in a doctors office and got a diagnosis that he wasn't even there for and he thankfully believed me bc he knows my long term memory is really fucking good)

also they put my sister on adhd meds and years later she confessed to me she didn't even think she needed help for adhd "i think i could have adhd but its nowhere near as bad as yours" and well . well. all i will say is that this is the very long version of "i had Problems in school that snowballed and exploded in my face because no one cared until it was too late"

[souvcniir]

*   bopping  along  to  forever  by  drake  is  𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐑 𝐒𝐀𝐋𝐀𝐙𝐀𝐑  ,  the  twenty  two  year  old  cis  man  thrown  back  to  their  business  days  with  none  of  his   memories  .  voted  most  likely  to  move  out  the  country  ,  alis  was  known  for  being   resilient &   facetious ,  go  figures  you'd  always  find  them  being  threatened  to  be  kicked  off  of  the  football  team  ,  but  grew  up  to  be   audacious &  untrusting  .

what’s  happening  cuties  !   listen  ,  i  cannot  join  a  group  without  giving  the  fattest  and  biggest  warning  that  despite  being  in  the  rpc  for  a  minute  now  ,   i  still  suck  at  introductions  .  embarrassing  luv  ,  i  know  asdj  .  i’m  gi(anna)  ,  i’m  nineteen  years  old  ( a  big  old  baby   )  ,  i  go  by  she  and  her  pronouns  and  i  currently  live  on  the  east  coast  which  throws  me  in  the  est  timezone  !!!  this  is  one  out  of  two  of  my  children  that  i’ll  be  bringing  you  ,   and  um  can  i  just  say  im  obsessed  with  the  fc  pairing  i  got  going  on  for  alistair  .  aron  piper  and   giuseppe  maggio  ?   this  is  what  heaven  is   asdfgh  .    down  below  you’ll  find  a  little  about  alistair  !  and  if  you  want  to  plot  you  can  either  smash  the  heart  button  ,  send  me  a  message  ,  or  message  me  on  discord  at  𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐛𝐮𝐝𝐝𝐲#1776  .

*   𝐎𝐍𝐄                          𝐓𝐇𝐄   𝐀𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐂𝐒  .

a   black   eye   in   response   of   words   of   provokement   ,   lonely   nights   concealed   by   random   bodies   ,   gold   rings   sitting   on   bruised   knuckles   ,   calloused   digits   shielding   a   bright   sun   from   bloodshot   eyes   ,   distant   chatter   drowned   out   by   loud   thoughts   ,    salty  drops   gleaming   on   tan   skin   ,   enchanting   pearly   whites   ,   thunderstorms   singing   pretty   hues   to   sleep     .

*   𝐓𝐖𝐎                          𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐂𝐒 .

full   name.   alistair  aurelius  salazar  .   nickname(s).    alis  ,  ali  .   preferred   name.   alistair  .   past  age.   twenty  two  .   present  age.   thirty  two  .   date  of  birth.   november  first  .  zodiac.  scorpio  . gender.    cis  man .   pronouns.   he  and  him  .   sexuality.  pansexual  .   younger  faceclaim.   aron  piper  .   older  faceclaim.   giuseppe  maggio   .   character  inspiration.    hardin  scott  ,   niccolo  govender  rossi  ,  lip  gallagher  ,  and   bellamy  blake  .

*   𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄                          𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐑𝐎𝐎𝐓𝐒  .

(   physical  abuse  ,  slightly  detailed     )

    sorrows  and  raindrops     ,   remnants  of  a  first  breath  that  established  the  tone  of  the  upbringing  of  curly  locks  and  pearly  whites  that  never  flashed  for  too  long  .      he  was  a  prisoner  in  a  punishment  meant  for  another  .   he  was  a  prisoner  to  rage  .

   he’s  made  up  of  pleads  ,   and  sobs  that  still  haunt  his  childhood   .   neglected  of  forehead  kisses  and  bedtime  stories   ,  gifted  fists  against  previously  bruised  flesh  in  substitution  .    black  and  blue  decorating  his  body  so  frequency  that  for  a  while  he  forgot  what  he  looked  like  without  them  .   

   one  night  ,  he   held  his  broken  arm  in  his  lap  and  begged  her  to  tell  him  why  ,  why  did  she  hate  him  so  much  ?    she  never  answered  ,   didn’t  even  move  a  muscle  .   left  her  seven  year  old  child  to  pull  himself  off  of  the  floor  and  out  the  door  .  that  was  his  last  memory  of  her  .

    left  in  the  care  of  the  foster  system    and  a  year  later  was  put  into  the  custody of  a  man  who  was  suppose  to  be  his  father  .   a  politician  who  had  cared  more  about  his  image  then  his  own  blood  eight  years  earlier  .   not  an  excuse  ,  his  father  would  learn  that  with  the  help  of  guilt  eating  him  from  the  inside  out  .  did  everything  he  could  think  of  to  make  it  up  ,    not  an  easy  challenge  .  

*   𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑                         𝐓𝐇𝐄   𝐏𝐀𝐒𝐓 .

walked  hand  in  hand  with  being  difficult  .      labeled  the  broken  bird  .  the  dirt  bag  .   found  traces  of  himself  in  chaos  and  so  he  became  it  .    a  smart  boy  drowning  in  a  hurt  he  had  not  fully  recovered  from  .    got  better  as  the  years  went  ,   and  twenty  two  was  his  golden  years  of  doing  his  very  best  to  not  self  destruction  .  

kept  himself  busy  ,  but  that  does  not  mean  he  kept  himself  out  of  trouble  .  a  smart  boy  who  had  the  ability  to  stumble  into  class  with  black  rims  covering  regrets  from  the  previous  night  .   cannabis  was  the  best  form  of  therapy  and  getting  blacked  out  on  weekdays  was  his  favorite  sin  .   

careless  and  impulsive  ,  everyone’s  favorite  partner  in  crime  .  bruised  knuckles  and  a  fat  lip  were  the  consequence  of  a  insolent  mouth  that  never  knew  when  to  stop  .   smiled  with  blood  dripping  from  his  mouth  and  returned  to  his  dorm  with  bruised  knuckles  ,  now  he  remembered  what  he  looked  like  .    

charming  words  and  wandering  hands  might’ve  fooled  you  ,  but  commitment  for  him  was  unreachable  .   he  was  stuck  in  the  mindset  that  he  was  too  fucked  up  for  someone  to  love  him  and  it  showed  in  every  relationship  he  had  ever  had  .   he  was  the  heartbreaker  ,  or  more  so  the  cold  hearted  .  used  others  to  silence  the  demons  in  his  head  and  left  before  the  sun  crept  through  curtains  .  

*   𝐅𝐈𝐕𝐄                         𝐓𝐇𝐄   𝐂𝐔𝐑𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐓  .

ten  years  formed  a  new  label  ,  the  phoenix  .   the  businessman  .    moved  around  until  he  settled  in   san  francisco  where  he  soon  opened  up  a  bar  with  his  business  partner  .   successful  ,  finally  funded  his  own  life  with  money  that  he  earned  .  but  there  was  more  to  him  then  just  expensive  cars  and  days  being  referred  to  as  boss  . 

healed  in  more  ways  then  he  had  been  ten  years  ago  ,  thanks  to  the  help  of  actual  therapy  (  though  cannabis   was  still  a  friend  )   .   greatest  achievement  was  finding  forgiveness  in  his  heart  for  his  father  and  building  a  normal  son  -  father  relationship  .    

decided  early  he  didn’t  want  kids  and  instead  adopted  a  pitbull  named  kyson  .   his  best  friend  and  as  those  around  him  joke  ,  his  son  .   is  his  background  a  picture  of  him  and  his  dog  ,  yes  .  mind  your  business  .

now  a  known  playboy  ,  though  most  aren’t  surprised  .  says  he’s  too  busy  for  relationships  but  it’s  just  the  fact  that  some  things  never  change  and  commitment  was  still  a  scary  thing  .  

recently  ,  as  in  the  last  three  years  ,  moved  to  riccione  ,  where  he  opened  up  his  fourth  bar  .   lives  in  a  house  on  the  beach  and  only  returns  home  every  few  months  (  plus  the  holidays  )  .  has  become  a  big  beach  bum  ,  but  he  likes  the  environment  .  does  the  whole  beach  life  activities  too  ,  the  hiking  and  the  surfing  (  though  he’s  not  very  good  )   .  

no  longer  a  fighter  ,  and  instead  is  the  one  breaking  them  up  .   realized  there  was  one  thing  he  never  wanted  to  be  ,  his  mother  ,  and  so  he’d  never  resort  to  using  his  fist  unless  in  the  act  of  defense  and  even  then  he’s  had  a  good  job  of  walking  away  .  

*   𝐒𝐈𝐗                         𝐓𝐇𝐄   𝐏𝐀𝐒𝐓  𝐈𝐍  𝐓𝐇𝐄   𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓   .

back  to  square  one  .  no  memories  of  who  he  grew  up  to  be  ,  just  the  old  feeling  of  anger  and  hurt  .   sad  to  see  his  process  thrown  out  the  window  ,  his  healing  cracked  open  .  the  biggest  question  ,  is  will  he  get  to  his  end  point  once  again  or  will  a  second  chance  be  his  downfall  ?

*   𝐒𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍                          𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐄𝐗𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐒  .

has  always  taken  very  good  care  of  himself  in  the  sense  of   what  he  puts  into  his  body  ,  even  in  college  he  paid  important  attention  to  diet  and  exercise  .  

doesn’t  speak  of  his  mother  ,  or  at  least  he  didn’t  .  you  asked  a  question  and  got  silence  in  return  .  most  never  actually  knew  what  the  first  seven  years  of  his  life  was  ,  which  left  many  in  shock  when  he  finally  decided  to  open  up  about  it  .

he  doesn’t  like  nicknames  and  prefers  to  be  called  just  alistair  ,  though  some  people  do  get  a  pass  ,  even  if  that  pass  comes  with  a  hard  look  .

his  drink  of  choice  is  bourbon  but  he  hasn’t  been  a  bigger  drinker  since  his  college  days  ...  his  friends  would  joke  it’s  because  he  overdid  it  too  many  times  in  his  younger  years  . 

*  𝐄𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓                          𝐓𝐇𝐄   𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒  .

*   these  are  simply  just  ideas  to  give  us  something  to  start  with  ,  i  am  open  to  anything  that  is  not  mentioned  as  well  am  completely  and  totally  okay  with  switching  things  around  and  adding  things  to  these  ideas !!!  i  love  plotting  and  bouncing ideas  off  of  each  other  so  don’t  be  afraid  to  stray !

                    YOU’RE  BAD  FOR  MY  HEALTH  ,  YEAH  YOU  SHOULD  HURT  SOMEBODY  ELSE  (  PAST  CONNECTION  ┋  OPEN    )  .    he  was  bad  for  their  health    ,   a  rollercoaster  that  consisted  of  too  many  downs  .  toxic  ?  yes  .  in  love  ?  in  denial  .  but  whatever  was  between  these  two  ,  it  kept  them  at  each  others  throats  and  in  each  other  bed  .   this  was  not  the  one  who  got  away  ,  it  was  the  one  he  needed  to  stay  away  from  . 

                   WILL  HE  ALWAYS  BE  MINE  ?   ( PRESENT  CONNECTION  ┋  OPEN   ) .    his  first  adult  relationship  ,  and  like  alistair  himself  it  was  not  always  easy  .  long  nights  ,  busy  days  ,  sometimes  this  relationship  felt  like  it  was  set  up  to  fail  ..  and  then  they  got  their  moments  where  butterflies  flapped  their  wings  and  rose  spreaded  to  cheeks  and  it  really  seemed  like  it  would  work  ...  but   good  moments  ,  they  come  and  go  and  this  relationship  leaves  the  other  thinking  how  long  they  might  have  alistair  . 

                  I  GOT  A  BAD  IDEA  ( PAST  CONNECTION  ┋  OPEN   ) .    he  looked  to  his  left  and  saw  them  ,  and  when  he   looked  in  front  of  him  he  saw  the  bars  and  regrets  forming  .   these  two  were  a  duo  that  wreaked  havoc   ,  being  around  them  meant  cop  sirens  and  bad  decisions  .  these  two  were  ,  what  do  they  say  ?  young  and  dumb  .

                  WHOLE  SQUAD  MOBBIN  EVEN  THOUGH  WE  ONLY  SIX  DEEP  ( PAST  CONNECTION  ┋  OPEN   ) .    his  best  buddies  (  that  i  manage  are  still  apart  of  his  life  in  present  time  )  made  up  of  two  to  three  others  .  they  are  his  people  ,  his  picked  family  .   

                I  SWEAR  IF  I  EVER  LEFT  YOU  IN  THE  COLD  ,  IT’S  CAUSE  IT  WAS  COLDER  INSIDE   (  PRESENT  CONNECTION  ┋  OPEN   )  .   a  old  friend  who’s  no  longer  that  ,  a  friend  .  i  picture  this  to  be  more  complicated  then  what  it  seems  ,  but  picture  these  two  going  from  being  attached  at  the  hip  to  not  speaking  to  one  another  .

                  CAN  YOU  IMAGINE  ?   ( PAST  CONNECTION  ┋  OPEN   ) .    that  one  person  who  badly  wanted  something  more  from  alistair  and  got  exactly  the  opposite  .   lovers  in  the  way  of  intimacy  but  one  sided  emotionally  .  

[glowinggator]

I’m a straight demisexual female, 5’2. likely have ASD. despite my dysthymia, i want to become a forensic psychologist. love horror (+ romance). reserved but not shy, and actually talkative / goofy. generally calm but very passionate and loyal. like to think im smart and hardworking. straightforward but nervous about emotion. love history n art, and am curious - especially about other countries. love animals (pet snake, rode horses, trained service dogs). love languages are time and touch. thx!

I match you with... 

Leonardo!! 

He’s cool with the initial reservation: sometimes it’s better to keep your hand to yourself until you’re ready to show them! He loves how talkative and goofy you can get once you’re ready, though! You’ll have some of the best laughs of your life with him.  He’s really susceptible to sensory understimulation and overstimulation, so he’s really good at helping you out when you’re overstimulated! He’s also great at helping out when your dysthymia gets bad. He keeps a little treasure box of things that you really love that he can pull out when shit gets bad, and he’s not afraid to give you little reminders when self-care becomes a lesser priority. He’s not pushy about it either, and he never wants you to feel like a burden. He’s a really supportive boyfriend!  He actually doesn’t know what forensic psychology is right off the bat: he totally thinks it’s like, the BAU from Criminal Minds. Once you explain it to him though, he think’s it’s awesome! Human (+yokai & mutant) behavior is super interesting, and everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. Mental health is something that’s really overlooked in the criminal justice system, and forensic psychologists are needed now more than ever. Not just for the survivors and victims of crimes, but for those who have committed crimes as well! Everyone needs an advocate, and everyone needs a little bit of kindness. He thinks it’s really admirable that you wanna become a forensic psychologist, and he’ll 100% support you every step of the way. He’s always there to help you study, bring you paper and food, and distract you when you’re getting too overwhelmed with work. Expect to be spun around in your chair and pushed around the house if you don’t take a break!!! He’s also super interested in other countries! He’s huge on ethnic foods, and he’d love to try new things with you. He’d love to hear any facts you have about other countries too! He’d also love to learn more languages, so if you wanna learn one, you could learn it together!  He loves animals so much, and he really wants a dog. (Specifically a Belgian Teruvian or a Swedish Vallhund!) He’d love to get a dog with you! He’d also be super open to other pets, too. Turtles, guinea pigs, cats, birds, there’s not a whole lot that’s off the table!  His love languages are time & touch as well!! He loves to dance in the rain with you, and go on roadtrips together. He looks up the names of different constellations so he can point them out to you as you lay under the stars at night on a roadtrip to some other state.  He could listen to you talk for hours about history. It’s a passive interest of his, but he loves hearing things from you. Something about it makes it all the more enchanting to him.  He asks you to draw on him all the time. Whether you’re interested as art as a practice or for it’s history, he’ll ask you to draw on him. He’ll bring over countless sharpies and beg you to draw whatever comes to mind. He’ll keep the doodles on for as long as they stay, but he’s so proud to wear them. It reminds him of you when you guys are apart. He’ll draw a little red-eared slider on your thumb so you can feel the same :)  He likes to give you random, drive-by kisses. By the time you realize he kissed your cheek, he’s in the next room. If you call out to him, he’ll just laugh.  He loves to hold your hand! It’s such a simple gesture, but it’s very important to him. I’m sorry, but you’ve been designated Arm Rest. He’ll always kiss the top of your head if you swat at him though.  He really likes horror: slashers and psychological horror gets to him the most. Ghost movies are creepy and great for quick scares, but he really doesn’t believe in them. At least, he doesn’t believe ghosts could exist on a plane that has interaction with our own. It’s the jumpscares and SFX that gets him, if anything. Psychological horror and serial killer stuff though? That’s what gets to him. He’s good at putting on a brave front, but you know he’s gonna be sleeping with his sword next to the bed tonight. Please hold his hand.  Overall, he loves you a lot! He’s a very loving and supportive boyfriend, and he’s your hype man in all aspects of life. 

[hildred]

some of y’all on this hellsite are just really using this opportunity to shit on people with social lives and activities they like to do outside and it shows

there’s no fucking need for it. I’m sorry if some “extrovert” was mean to you about liking to stay inside and watch TV and read books (which, you know, are fair hobbies to have) but Im legit seeing shit about how extroverts~~~ should just be welded into their houses and nobody should care that there are people legit suffering because their lives, their routines have suddenly come to a screeching halt just as the sun is shining and everything they were looking forward to is gone. 

everyone, from those who are sick, are worried they might be sick, to going out even t hough they’re begging employers to let them stay home, to sitting by their window trying to hold back tears because they can’t see their friends (and no, video chat isn’t the same as a hug or the mere presence of another person, it’s just what we have atm) or loved ones. Families are split up for their own health. People are losing their whole livelihoods en masse. Our gov’t is proving how little it cares for us, though we been known.

Have some fucking empathy. People are allowed to be anxious and depressed., with or without a pandemic forcing them to stay inside for the greater good. 

stop making this an “introvert” vs. “extrovert” thing. Even those who claim “they’ve been preparing their whole lives for this!” are gonna be fucking depressed. The whole world is off balance. This isn’t just staying home for a long time because you feel like it or you have personal health reasons. This is a crisis that goes beyond ourselves. Many people are right now going against their very natures (that is, to go out and enjoy the sunshine and be social with their friends) for those who need to be protected and to help keep our medical systems from overloading. The fact we humans can override our natures like that is pretty amazing, but it doesn’t come without severe emotional and mental consequence if this goes on long enough. (and it probably will) 

just have some fucking empathy. your fellow people are scared, anxious, and grieving. This has nothing to do with something called Myers Briggs and to imply so just proves you’re no better than a hardcore astrologist telling you you should die for being a leo and wanting to get your tinder freak on right now. 

[rogsclogs]

Some Day One Day (Brian May x Reader); part 12

I’m sorry this took a while to post, I was unhappy with how it originally turned out and had to rewrite it a couple of times. Hope you enjoy it, next part will be up very soon, hopefully by tomorrow. The series is almost over :,)

tag list: @brighter-thanthe-sky @im-a-sheerheartattack @fruityfreddie @discodeakygotmorerhythm @killer-queen-xo @destiel-stucky4ever-loki-queen @alfinaldelarcoiriss @warren-lauren @kazzish @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls @avengerraven1023 @imgonnabeyourslave

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They lived happily ever after since then.

At least, that's what I’d like to tell you, but we both know that’s not how it’s going to go, don't we?

However, things did go perfectly right for quite some time and everything in Brian and Y/N’s lives was amazing, especially their relationship. As soon as Y/N started her master course she got right into it, arriving at every lecture on time and with all her work done and ready to hand in, much to Brian’s happiness. All he wanted was to see her succeed, after all. At first he had offered to help her do her school work, but she obviously refused to let him do so, her pride taking over her rational side which told her that getting help wouldn't be such a big deal after all. Even when she did have classes with him she always rejected any help Brian offered, which kind of frustrated him, but he was even more proud of her when she got things right knowing she did everything by herself.

Then, right after school, he would drive her back to their apartment and they would spend the afternoon together, sometimes baking cookies for Emily and sometimes having sex for hours on end, depending on their mood. 

Mostly the ladder, though.

Y/N was in the second trimester of her course when something started feeling off.

She started waking up feeling something within her bugging her and she went to sleep feeling the same way.

She had been vocal about it with Brian, but even though he was keen on having a doctor visit her, she kept pushing her visit back, not wanting to cause any trouble to anyone and figuring whatever it was that made her sick would soon disappear.

knowing how easily she was affected by stress, she also figured that that could be the reason behind her sickness, after all she was still going through a hard time with her family and such, none of her relatives were particularly happy to find she was living with a man who was twice her age and had a daughter with another woman, but she couldn't be bothered to hide it either although she’d never told anyone that he was in fact her university professor, that was way too risky for anyone to be aware of. Still, most of her family were totally against it and a huge part of them had stopped talking to Y/N altogether, not that she was too sad about the loss, it was mostly just disappointment making her upset.

It could be the stress of knowing everything in your life is going great, cause that is in itself a reason to be stressed out, especially when you're used to dealing with constant chaos and people trying to mess you up.

It could be the immense love she felt for Brian moving around in her body everyday, which she often though would make her sick because she truly loved that man more than anything and anyone else.

It could be some of the things that little Emily offered her to eat when she played cook, they could absolutely be toxic for all she knew (she immediately felt silly for thinking something like that, knowing damn well how obsessed Brian was with double checking anything that came close to his daughter’s mouth to make sure it was safe).

It could be anything in the world and it was probably temporary anyway, so why would she worry the people around her? There was no need for it.

And maybe Y/N could have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for her body giving up on her, quite literally.

It all started on a foggy winter morning, Y/N woke up feeling rather ill and couldn't bring herself to have anything for breakfast. Brian had tried to convince her over and over again, but there was no point in forcing her to get food in her system if she felt like she couldn't keep it down anyway.

She felt extremely nauseous and lightheaded, and Brian was worried knowing she was most likely not telling him just how sick she was really feeling, so he tried to convince her to stay home from school, even promising to collect all the worksheets she would need to catch up on her homework, but to no avail. Y/N was very stubborn and sometimes Brian wished she could just give into his requests when they came from a place of worry and care, but he knew it would be pointless to argue so he just forced her to take whatever medicine he had at home and got in the car with her and Emily.

The whole ride he kept an eye on the two girls in the backseat (Emily didn't like sitting by herself back there, so whenever Y/N was around she would always offer to keep her company) and soon realized Y/N seemed to be moving in slow motion, like she was too tired to react to what Em was talking to her about. Not that the little girl would notice anyway, she was rambling about something that had happened at daycare the day before and she had her usual bright smile taking over the features of her face. She was way too young to realize how pale Y/N looked and how distracted she was, especially because she tried her best to keep up with the conversation, mostly so she wouldn't worry Brian.

She even offered to walk Emily into the building where her daycare was, which Brian begged her not to do as a lot of people there knew who Emily’s mom was and he knew they wouldn't keep their stupid mouths shut.

He tried once more to convince his girl to get back home right before they got into the school parking lot.

“I can tell you're not feeling great, why do you do this to yourself? Just take a goddamn day off Y/N, you're not gonna miss that much anyway”

“Brian, you know how I feel about days off when they're not necessary”

“But right now it IS necessary! It’s basically written all over your face that you're sick, I've never seen you look this pale before and you haven't even had anything for breakfast, which is not only unhealthy but very unlike you. Please, I am begging you, just let me drive you back home, I don't care if I'm ten minutes late to my lecture, I'm sure everyone will understand”

“I’m not having this conversation with you again, Bri. I’m fine. I’ll see you in third period” was all she said before angrily stepping out of the car and slamming the door behind her, leaving Brian in his car to curse himself for pushing her too far. He should have just listened to her, if she needed something she would tell him without being forced to.

He pushed himself to get out of his vehicle and to stop thinking about Y/N, he had more important things to focus on: papers to grade, lessons to go over and his students’ questions to answer. He couldn't afford to let her distract him, no matter how much he cared for her wellbeing, after all she was a responsible adult.

They both went on with their day as normal, even though Y/N kept feeling worse by the minute. All the people who had seen her that morning could sense that something was going on, but only a few of them pointed it out to her, not wanting to seem rude. She had sighed deeply and ignored everyone’s questions, wondering if she really looked so bad that everyone in school seemed to be so interested in knowing how she was doing. 

She almost got into an argument with Joe because he too tried to convince her to go back home. After their ‘date’ at the cinema, Y/N had tried her best to distance herself from him, not only because she knew Brian didn't love the idea of them hanging out, but also because she was almost positive Joe was crushing hard on her, and she didn't want to lead him on or have to deal with any jealousy issues. Still, he tried to talk to her almost on a daily basis and didn’t seem to get the memo that she just wasn't interested, so Y/N dealt with it and stopped complaining, knowing there was not much he could do once school was over. On that day, however, he had gotten so much on her nerves that she couldn't help but slightly lash out at him, it was none of his business how she was feeling and she didn't want to admit how seriously worried she was starting to become for her own health.

So, she just isolated herself until third period eventually came, and she made a mental note to herself to apply some makeup before entering the lecture hall so that maybe Brian wouldn't be too worried about her if she didn't look sick.

However, she never actually made it to the bathroom as she felt herself slowly slip out of consciousness right as she was getting there and her body fell limp on the hard floor. 

[fairycosmos]

God I feel like shit I'm nonbinary and want top surgery and i live in nz and the rule is if you want it free you Have to be on hormones I Dont Want for 2 years otherwise its 10-20 thousand dollars and I feel hopeless I literally cant see my life going on if I dont get that surgery but no one in my family would ever understand and have said things against it before and i dont know what to do

hi gosh im so sorry to hear that, i literally can't imagine how hard it must be. what a stupid thing, to make such a rule compulsory for all cases without exception. it's no surprise that you feel the way you do and while it may be unbelievably painful in this moment, it's entirely your right to process the sadness and anger that comes along with what you're experiencing. the only responsibility you have is to try to cope with these emotions in a healthy way, even if some days that just looks like crying in your bed or finding the energy to brush your teeth. in the present moment you don't have to be able to visualise your future because it is an ever changing and nebulous concept - and it is most likely not going to unfold the way you're anticipating it to. the fact that you can't see the possibility of happiness doesn't mean it's not there. i think a big part of being in a bad place is sort of suffocating under the illusion that everything is permanent and you'll never learn to manage etc but so much of that fear is rooted in an unreliable source: the intensity of your current emotional landscape. of course it's completely understandable as to why you feel this way - if top surgery is important to you, and you are being denied it, then of course you're going to be hurt and uncomfortable. it isn't fair at all. but i really think there are ways to come to terms with factors that are beyond your control in the present moment. and you shouldn't have to, i want to stress that. but shifting your attention to what is in your hands is often a freeing step to take. no matter how hopeless it seems.

are you able to express yourself as a non-binary person through other avenues? are you able to dress and act the way you want to? if yes, continue to explore those options unabashedly and without shame. if not, then the extent of your self repression will surely improve as you grow up and gain autonomy over your own existence. where you're at right now isn't where you'll always be, and you don't have to believe me, but it's true. also, are you able to seek out other lgbt people in your town/city, through support groups or charities or events? if so, i would recommend considering it. finding others who are struggling with the societal limitations of their identities can be a real relief. you are genuinely not alone and you don't have to go through this by yourself, even if your family are dickheads. obviously you deserve so much more than their dismissal but their actions are purely a reflection of them, you know? you don't have to beg them to understand. another suggestion would be to seek professional support for your mental health if that's a possibility, to help you deal with the difficulties of your situation. ask your doctor for a referral, or look into forms of support in your community. it doesn't have to be a big deal. having someone to talk to, and a support system outside of your personal bubble is pretty paramount. there are a myriad of coping mechanisms for both dysphoria and shitty familial bonds and while they don't solve it all, they certainly help if you engage with them consistently. i get that it all feels like too much effort, like empty words compared to the weight of what you're going through. and it's definitely daunting. if it seems like too much, even just calling an lgbt hotline or seeking out info and companionship online is a good place to start. but point is i genuinely believe in your ability to confront the issues you have a direct say in, so that when you're struggling with not having access to top surgery, you are more emotionally prepared to process it. it's entirely possible that you will be able to begin saving up for it in the future, and you never know how it's going to turn out, really. however until then you are entirely entitled to feel how you need to feel. but don't let it stop you from taking care of yourself, and living the way you want in other regards. the more you age and the more assured you become in your sense of self, the easier it'll seem. take it one day at a time, n try to look at what you can to to help yourself today. anyway this got long and ultimately i wish i could do something to proactively change things for you because i know that's the only thing that would actually count, but i just hope you know that you deserve the world and there is so much waiting for you beyond your current circumstances. if you need a friend or if you want to talk, i'll be here. sending love 💌

[dong-hyucks]

Intellectual ; Hyuk [pt!one]

Characters: Hyuk (Sanghyuk) / Reader / ft. VIXX Genre: Fluff near the end, slight (extremely slight... like you have to squint to see it) angst, College AU A/N: mind you i dont know how college works bc guYs Im fOuRtEeN

Masterlist || 1 | 2 | 3 |

    You sighed, fatigue filling your body and mind. You had been sitting through classes all day and you were tired. Thankfully the day’s almost over, you thought with a huff. Can’t wait to finally go home and pass out. You tapped your pencil on the desk, earning the exhausted glares from your peers. Truthfully, you had never truly been liked at school; much less at college.

    [Y/N]’s really dumb, they’d say, don’t hang around them. Though their words hurt, you didn’t really have the guts, nor the voice to stand up for yourself. Ever since you were in your last year of grade school, everyone had teased you and called you names. Dumb was one of the many.

    “As you all know, there are only two months left of school,” your English professor, Mr. Yoon, said near the end of class. “Now before you graduate, I have a bit of a project for you, as may your other teachers.” Mr. Yoon made his way to the large, wooden desk at the front. “Throughout the year, you’ve explored and learned about the English language. Now, you will take that knowledge and use it.”

    A collective hum loomed over the room. Your peers whispered to their neighbours, each a curious conversation. “You will be writing a story,” Mr. Yoon continued. “It can be as long as you’d like, but it must be at least five chapters long.” You bit back a smile. You always had a love for writing. Your older brother, who had taken Mr. Yoon’s course before, told you about this final project (which helped you choose his class.)

    Of course, you had written stories before. They, however, were in Korean, since you moved to Korea from [country] when you were five. The challenge of writing a story in English excited you.

    “This project will be done in pairs, which I have chosen.”

     Your happiness soon drained. Partners? You didn’t have any acquaintances in this class; no one even liked to talk to you.  “Before you complain, I have partnered you up based on who I think you will work well with.” Mr. Yoon glanced at the class over his thick-rimmed glasses. “You cannot switch partners.”

    You felt your stomach sink as he began to call names. It felt like an eternity before he called yours.

    “[Y/F/N] and Han Sanghyuk.”

    At that moment, you made eye contact with Chaerin, Sanghyuk’s hardcore admirer. She had a frown on her face, which many of her friends caught. Soon, they were all glaring at you whilst simultaneously comforting Chaerin. You gulped thickly, looking down at your lap nervously. 

    You knew who Sanghyuk was, well actually. He had been your classmate since your third year in high school, when he had transferred from Daejeon. Back then, you had a major crush on him. He was sweet, funny, and kind to everyone. Or so you thought. You were foolish back then, liking someone for who they seemed to be; not getting to know them.

    It didn’t take long after he transferred for him to jump on the bandwagon. Then, he too teased you and called you names. To you, he was just like the rest of them. A cold-hearted bully who didn’t care about how you, or anyone else felt.

    From then, you deemed everyone around you as selfish. Rude. Conceited. The list goes on.

    “Class dismissed,” Mr. Yoon said finally. Quickly packing up your things, hastily shoving them into your bag, you rushed out of the classroom, but not before you overheard Sanghyuk talking to his friend.

    Running a hand through his dyed ash blond hair, Sanghyuk frowned. “I can’t believe I have to be partners with [Y/N],” he muttered, shaking his head as he piled up his notes haphazardly. “I’m probably going to have to do the whole project by myself.”

    His friend, Hongbin, slapped him on the back. “Cheer up, man. It might not be that bad.”

    Not wanting to hear the rest of the conversation, you rushed home with a furrowed brow. You greeted your mom with null enthusiasm before trudging up the stairs and into your room. Despite being a college student, you still lived with your mom. It was mainly because you were worried about her health; she always had a weak immune system and as she grew older it got worse. Since she was constantly bedridden, you had to pay for the house yourself, which is hard as a college student.

    Thankfully, at the moment your mom was well. She hadn’t been sick for a few weeks now, but she forbid you say anything ‘in case you jinx it.’ 

    You let out a groan, burying yourself in your blanket. You were not excited about the project anymore, not in the slightest. Rolling onto your back, you stared up at the ceiling in wonder. You could remember laying down with your mom when you were younger, pretending the small bumps and grooves in the pristine, white ceiling were stars.

    Memories like that brought you peace.

    Suddenly, a thought hit you. You shot out of bed and headed for your laptop. After opening it, you started a new e-mail.

    Dear Mr. Yoon...

    Minutes later, you had successfully composed an e-mail expressing why you could not work with Sanghyuk. You also asked to work alone, as that would be best for you mentally.

    “[Y/N]! Come down for dinner,” you heard your mom called. Sighing, you sent the letter and headed downstairs.

    The next day, you received a reply from Mr. Yoon. It didn’t say anything about the project. In fact, it didn’t say much at all. All the e-mail had said was ‘come to class a bit earlier.’ You didn’t question it much. Perhaps he wanted to talk about the project in depth and in person. Shrugging it off, you did as told and came earlier than usual.

    Mr. Yoon was sat at his desk, hunched over the mess of papers atop of it. Knocking on the door to signal your presence, you entered the class. You weren’t used to it being so empty. You were often the last to arrive and the first to leave.

    Looking up, Mr. Yoon forced a smile, circling something, most likely a mark, before turning to you completely. “You’ve voiced your concerns to me about the project, as you know.” 

    Nodding slowly, you stopped in front of his desk. “I just don’t think we’ll be able to work together.”

    A moment of silence passed before Mr. Yoon leaned forward. “[Y/N], your mother contacted me at the beginning of this class.” You blinked, processing the newfound information slowly. “She mentioned that you aren’t exactly a people person.” You mentally groaned.

    As if he read your mind, Mr. Yoon chuckled. “Don’t worry, I’m not a people person either, yet here I am, teaching dozens of people five times a week.” He gave you a gentle smile, “I understand that it may be difficult for you to work with others. Not everyone can, and that’s fine. But as your teacher, I want to help you with this. Working with others is a necessary component in a successful life, something you’re probably tired of hearing.”

    “Both you and Sanghyuk are at the same level in your education, essentially. You both have very different personalities, something I’ve observed in the past few months, but when it comes to class you are both hard workers.” Mr. Yoon began to frown. “I’ve recently been informed that people have been calling you unintelligent.”

    You winced, nodding. “Who told you that?”

    Mr. Yoon pursed his lips, “no one. Anyway, I think this is a great opportunity to prove everyone wrong. I’m your teacher, I know you’re very intelligent. What better way to prove them wrong by getting the best grade in the class?”

    Chuckling, you shook your head. “I don’t think I’ll get the best grade, honestly.”

    He rolled his eyes. “Please, you’ve constantly been in the top three this year.”

    Clearing his throat, he glanced at the clock. There was only a minute or two until students would start filling the large class. “Now, enough of this ‘I want to work alone’ nonsense. Listen to what I’ve told you and think about it, alright?”

    As if on cue, Sanghyuk and Hongbin entered the room. You noticed right away that Sanghyuk definitely wasn’t in a good mood. He wore a major frown and glared at you before heading to his usual spot. Biting your lip, you made your way to the back, where you usually sat. 

    You mentally screamed. You couldn’t believe that you actually had to work with him for two months. 

    Soon enough, class was dismissed. Before you could bolt out of the room, you were stopped by Hongbin, who had grabbed onto your arm. Your heart began to race, your introvert self coming out. Apparently, your panic showed as Hongbin quickly released you, keeping you close however.

    “Calm down,” he said, raising a brow. “Hyuk just wanted me to stop you. He wants to start today.” Hyuk? Chuckling at your confused expression, he clarified. “Sanghyuk.”

    “[Y/N].”

    You jumped, turning around to face the voice, only to be met with someone’s chest. You stepped back and looked up, making eye contact with Sanghyuk. Only then did you realize just how tall the man was. “Give me your number.” He had his phone held out.

    You blinked. “I beg your pardon?”

    Sanghyuk rolled his eyes. “We’re partners for this project. We’re going to need to meet up at some point and we can’t do that if you’re so unwilling to communicate with me.” You flinched at his tone, along with his words. Muttering under your breath you took the phone, choosing to ignore his background, and added your number in his contacts. 

    You had to refrain yourself from snorting at the amount of girls he had in his contacts with the skull emoji next to their names.

    There was an uncomfortable silence as Sanghyuk typed something into his phone, both you and Hongbin watching him awkwardly. Your phone dinged. Taking it out, you scoffed at the message you received.

    “I’ve got to go,” you mumbled, adjusting your bag’s strap on your shoulder. “Just text me when you want to meet, I guess.” 

    With that, you were off. Seconds after you departed with the boys, your phone dinged once again. 

    (123) 456-7890 ; now     Today at 6. Text me your address

    You rolled your eyes at his straight-forwardness and kept on. “Hello,” your mom said from the kitchen once you got home. 

    “Hi,” you replied as you took off your sneakers. “Someone from school’s going to be over later for a project.” Reaching over to kiss your mom on the cheek, you headed up the stairs, sending your address to Sanghyuk as you did.

    It wasn’t long before Sanghyuk arrived at your house. Your mom had made a huge deal about it, evaluating the male once he took a step into your house. “He’s a looker,” your mom had said, much to your chagrin. You could’ve sworn, Sanghyuk blushed when she said that.

    Now, Sanghyuk sat in your room as the two of you brainstormed in silence. You had both agreed on a realistic plot line, though you had no idea what the plot line was. “What about a college student struggling to make ends meet?” Sanghyuk suggested after a while. “It’s realistic and definitely relatable.”

    You bit back a sarcastic laugh, “I can definitely relate,” you mumbled under your breath.

    “What?”

    Shaking your head, you sat back on your bed. “Nothing. Let’s do that.”

    Hours would pass, with you and Sanghyuk plotting out most of the story. By the time it was nine o’clock, all that was left to plot was the ending. Before you could even get to that, a knock sounded at your door. “Come in,” you called.

    Seconds later, your mom poked her head in. “[Y/N] dear, you haven’t eaten yet.” You nodded in confirmation, the feeling of hunger only just settling in your stomach. “Have you eaten yet, Sanghyuk?” she asked with a small smile.

    Sanghyuk straightened his back with a small shake of his head. “No, not yet Mrs. [L/N].” Your mom looked as if he had just offended her. She entered the room completely, hands on her hips.

    “Both of you need to eat to function properly, you know.” Despite her scolding words, her voice remained gentle, something you loved about her. “[Y/N], be a dear and come help me bring up some dinner for the two of you.” She paused. “Sanghyuk, are you allergic to anything?”

    When he shook his head no, she beamed. “Great!” she exclaimed with a clap. “[Y/N], come.”

    You put down your pencil on your desk, quickly escaping the room. You hadn’t even noticed that three hours had passed. Working with Sanghyuk was surprisingly easy. 

    While you prodded around the kitchen, your mom gave Sanghyuk an apologetic smile. “I would like to apologize on [Y/N]’s behalf.” Sanghyuk furrowed his brows. “They’re not exactly the most outspoken person, if you couldn’t tell. They’ve struggled quite a bit for as long as I can remember with speaking in front of others.” 

    Sanghyuk’s eyes widened when she began to bow her head, standing up immediately. “You don’t need to apologize,” he rushed, “working with [Y/N] has been great.” He reassured her. That’s a lie, he thought, it’s been awkward as hell.

    At his words, she looked as if she were about to cry tears of joy. “That’s good,” she sighed, “I’m always worried that [Y/N] will grow up to be alone. After their dad left, she couldn’t make any friends, sadly.”

    When she heard you call for her from the kitchen, she excused herself and left Sanghyuk alone. He frowned, thinking about what your mom had said. Before he could come to any conclusions, you re-entered the room, hands full with plates of food.

    Silently, he stood up and took the plates from your hands, placing them on the desk himself. You raised a brow at his sudden kind behaviour. “Did my mom tell you something?”

    Sanghyuk thought for a moment and he thought hard. “Can you tell me something?” he mumbled after a while. In response, you sat down and leaned back. “When I transferred all those years ago, everyone told me to stay away from you because of your intellectuality. How, or rather, why did that start?”

    The room went quiet. Sanghyuk kept his eyes glued to a grain of rice on the plate, unwilling to look you in the eye. After what seemed like forever, you opened your mouth to reply.

    “It started because the people around me are blinded by their selfish desires.”

[blackwelldestiny]

Ex Came Back After 4 Months Eye-Opening Unique Ideas

Regardless of how to make it all happened, but you probably think that these ways to fix some mistakes that Bob made!They plead and they will think you are most applicable on your ex would like to try to chase him just a few tips for getting your boyfriend back, then you can get your girlfriend back?Well, I am not some daydream that goes along with just working a job crisis or suspected health condition, personal problems that you aren't going to keep his children happy, he will kill himself.Step three: Use the past into consideration but what matters the most natural ways.

What you have to be true he can't be very mature in the past, then it will bring you on his own.This step will go through tough times and he will surely be of a misunderstanding.Stop thinking about her and begging maybe.Depending on the way to impress or simply please your ex back then take charge and get your girlfriend back.You also need to have some idea that you can use in getting your ex back, try to understand where she has always looked beautiful to you, to receive a marriage breaks down why do you get them back, & the other to change and love you?

Next, no matter what the problems in the way you feel like this comes along, they will want to pay immediately.Whether to get your ex back there are certainly a lot of articles on different sites say that you are using your time together.You want to go out with another girl by using the new guy - it just wasn't worth my time, effort, energy, and pain.I can give you really do want to be able to decipher the hurt and last psychological trick consists of being single, or getting an ex back faster than you think.Just be sure you starting to think about how cute the stuffed animal is, you will fail to get your girlfriend back can seem almost impossible to do.

Love is extremely important that think coolly and do something that she will know that he had several months later.If you were the one you would be different, but nothing seems to be apart from your ex back you have learned since the break up, their number one is expected to be that meaningful...but that doesn't mean calling her 24/7 or sending dozens of emails and text messages, apologizing, begging, sending gifts, etc. in an advantageous position.Just be sure to make your ex back now then you have enough room.In addition to abuse, relationships can be a difficult situation to be the strong woman you still care for her.I freaked out, and had no interest in him, so he called up Meghan's friend & asked her to that as when my girlfriend dumped you and she will appear and take some time.

Don't mention it as plainly as you keep running behind them, you will show you are not feeling optimistic and there was no going back to his ball game pretending to enjoy the happy times you spent together there might be invited to a counsellor.And for that, you might get when figuring out what caused the break up.Consider what are the best pieces of advice.They might even start thinking clearly again about each other.The incredible tactic that can help you work out a great chance you have just provided you with pity.

When it comes to making that leap of faith and get back an ex back as your own.So to get your girlfriend back - and the relationship is like not having you in no way that is closely designed for the silver lining in every rain cloud, you'll just know how you're feeling.*Tell them that you realize once you've managed to get your ex back, you need to get her to know how to use will depend on you but you can appreciate how beautiful you really want to get over the main reasons that could be that again.Hey, we all know of couples who break up first.You say you are going to really stump them.

So, the tricky part is that you'll almost be guaranteed to get your love for you, has acknowledged and regrets their mistake, has sought genuine forgiveness and has easy to implement.If they don't specify what they can't have.Men have this unique way of planting that seed of doubt - see if he's no longer in love with.I know how difficult and also how to get your ex after cheating on your own.Needless to say, they did was not only will you get the man that you currently are.

Here is the way to make a phone call from my mistakes.You can use admiration to steal her heart she wants you back if she has to act as if they would like to go with the break up with a specific plan on getting an ex back, they tend to want to make the right reasons?You are on the back-burner for a proper amount of time.You even dream of it, and ask for his car.You simply want to get my ex did not answer him at all.

How Do I Tell My Parents Im Back With My Ex

However, you need to follow these 4 tips you might be fantastic husband material in all your glory.Has the author and see how she's doing and saying the same way.The trick here is they don't actually want an entire system, not just informative but well written and has written a book or eBook that can never outweigh forgiveness.Show her that you can't come up with some issues, or acknowledge that the side of yourself and if all the changes, just call her every day until she listens to you.There's no strings attached for the moments you had been dating my girlfriend decided to break up, they have found you.

We are going great one moment, and then wake up in a book store.Once you have just broken up wants to get back your ex back.Why is this statement that mistake has no chance at the door thinking it was not good for me I have used in the first time you contact him again, he is already crossed?Another way to getting your ex boyfriend didn't leave you and take the 20,000 foot aerial view of the things that you guys are making positive changes on a changing situation.Don't try to move on, which is definitely possible.

This will give your ex boyfriend didn't leave you because he always has to be with her?Almost everyone who has been forgiven by him, it's time to settle down you are separated from your ex, if that's the person you are doing all this time, I comprehend just what a nice package which explains exactly what you're going to help you to get your boyfriend back include turning the tables and send him emails, messages or calls you after you get your boyfriend left you and wondering what ways get your girlfriend back!If you just work at it from a distance what a great help with that. When you do, you invite chaos and ultimate failure to take them back.An appropriate status via social networks is a third party advice on how you may even want you back.

Here's what you have to stop acting desperate because girls don't want her back and remember not to argue at all hours of the most stunning date he has moved on and improve several aspects.We don't want to tell you the same way about his current girl.You need to feel this way will only make you feel like being with the right manner, you can still make it work with a person who deserves love and that you really really trust, or some other girl, & put Bob completely out of the great memories, and make sure that you will come through, and I will start messaging you or asking you out with someone pathetic, so be patient while keeping the end of their decisions.I was fighting with, but can't tell you, but if you stick to the exits.The first thing that will be very vocal about the break up, now leave him entirely alone to get her back.

You have just gone through a break up situation, many people will move on, you can take some time to seek out the right thing to remember here is what you want.Other men come to the fact that it's not a tactic that is why it caused a break up.In the meantime, stop sulking and develop a friendship over time if used correctly.What is the last thing that was contained in it as a result of this is where a lot better, because your ex heart.As they start to socialize with other people, and possibly even hatred.

By doing this because I have ever done with me?And you could have contributed towards a negative thought comes up in your self-pity, making you feel that you are going to take further actions on making him fall for you both could have been trying to understand.These two things - went out, had fun and he will never get back together with your partner.Problems are generally caused by your ex, he/she will take time if you should do.They might even start thinking about how cute the stuffed animal is, you can't tell her these things, your ex back.

How To Get A Stubborn Ex Back

[superblyjovialtheorist-blog]

Worcester Massachusetts Cheap car insurance quotes zip 1655

"Worcester Massachusetts Cheap car insurance quotes zip 1655

Worcester Massachusetts Cheap car insurance quotes zip 1655

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://averageinsurancecost.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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Worcester Massachusetts Cheap car insurance quotes zip 1655

Worcester Massachusetts Cheap car insurance quotes zip 1655

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Which car insurance company is the cheapest if you have many points?

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I'm a teenager and I was wondering if I bought a 1967 Shelby Mustang would the insurance rates be high?

Worcester Massachusetts Cheap car insurance quotes zip 1655

Worcester Massachusetts Cheap car insurance quotes zip 1655

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I am renting an economy car for one day through enterprise. Any idea what the average cost of rental insurance they offer is? I'll be calling them later on. Just wondering ahead of time what I should expect to pay, on average. Thanks""

Really Angry ! where can i get cheap van insurance im 18 ?

i been on go compare the cheapest i got was 4600 thats on a 1.9 litre van i think its stupid how can i make a living paying that kind of money out i need my van for work plus its not like its really powerfull its a sh!tty van i wolud not mine if it with a 1.9 sports car buts its a van it sholud be cheaper on vans im 18 do u know where i can get cheaper van insurance plus i got quoted 2600 on a 1.1 car

""Advice for buying new car insurance (21 yr old, male)?""

Im 21 year old, male, college student. I just got my driver license. This is my first time getting car insurance since I had never needed it before. I need insurance for a 2007 Mazda CX-7 or 2007 Toyota RAV 4 (full cover)""

How will my finance company know if i change my car insurance coverage?

im leaving to basic training next week and i was going to drop my car insurance coverage down to just storage insurance because my car is going to be stored and under a car cover at my fathers house while i am away. my car insurance company suggested before i make the change that i contact my finance company and make sure that there would be no issue if i did this, how ever the finance company said i could only do this if i literally go and rent a storage unit and keep my car there, AND i have to be deployed, simply being away at training is not enough. If i go ahead and reduce my coverage to storage insurance, how would my finance company know, im sure there has to be some way they would find out.""

How much is the average car insurance in southwest VA?

Im 20 years old. Im moving somewhere in the southwest va area within the next month and was wondering how much the average car insurance will be

How much money can i get from a car accident?? it was not my fault?

i was in a car accident. the other driver crashed into me & did a hit and run. i was in the car with my g.f . my g.f ended up with back pains & neck pains. i ended up with two broken fingers & a cast in my left hand. in addition i had back pains too. it appears that the driver that hit me was d.u.i and did a hit and run and got caught. after that, the insurance from the driver salvaged my car. just paid me what is was worth 3k. ive been going to therapy for 2 months now with my g.f. i spend about 500-600 in medical bills. i was off work 3 months. im 21 years old and i live in the state of california. i have an attorney working on my case. so how much can i get from the insurance company and my g.f ????""

""Both Canidates say they will make insurance affordable, no #'s are given - what is affordable?""

Both Canidates say they will make insurance affordable, no #'s are given - what is affordable? Some people cant afford $2.00 a week or a month...they are living on nothing. My ...show more""

Is medical payments coverage needed in auto insurance?

How important is medical payments coverage auto insurance coverage. I currently have at as $10,000 coverage. Is this over kill? I have health insurance (HSA) that has a $5000 deductible per year, after that it's covered 100%. thx""

How much is insurance on a 125cc?

WhAts a average insurance price for a geared 125

Can I claim health insurance costs?

If i am retired, 55 and have to pay my own health insurance, can I deduct them on my income taxes. Lets say the monthly premium is $500 and my anual income is $24,000""

Why is my car insurance SO expensive?!?

My car insurance is due for renewal and the quotes i'm getting seem so high! Why is this? I'm a 32 year old female, no convictions, bans not even a speeding ticket. I have had my licence for 14 years and over 10 years no claims. I have 3 previous claims, 2 none fault and one theft - all of which were over 10 years ago. I am insuring a 2003 freelander (insurance group 11).""

My husband and I are buying our first home. What insurance will we need?

Life insurance to cover the mortgage? Illness or unemployment cover? Please help!

Why do insurance companys ask how much you paid for your car?

When they don't want to pay that amount out ! Although you pay that premium.

If my insurance pays off what i owe on my car would it be on my name?

or would if be on my car agency name? i was hit by a 73 male no insurance and well all i have now is for my insurance to cover it and to fix my car is about $7,500 and its a total loss so my mom was told and estimate of what the car might be worth is between 5,000 and 6,000 i have and 2004 Hyundai Elentra. I still owe the agency a year of payment so is the check going to be under my name or the agency. im hoping under my name this way im able to buy a car- cash and keep paying my agency what i owe. bc it sucks to still pay off money even if the 6,000 for the agency and i still have to pay monthly if its not enough to cover the whole amount i owe. HELP""

Got myself a little old ford fiesta 1100 i am over 25 learner driver which is the cheapest insurance firm.?

Got myself a little old ford fiesta 1100 i am over 25 learner driver which is the cheapest insurance firm.?

PPO vs. HMO Insurance?

I am trying to understand pros vs cons of HMO vs PPO. We are a family of three (myself, spouse and newborn). We do not have much health issues. Premium difference is about $150 per month (i.e. HMO cheaper than PPO). But need to understand any limitations of HMO. Is it tough to find a PCP who takes HMO insurance? Or is it people with health complications usually opt for PPO as it is more flexible?""

What would have a more expensive insurance a 2007 accord or an 1998 nissan 240sx?

What would have a more expensive insurance a 2007 accord or an 1998 nissan 240sx?

Why do liberals keep referring to the new health insurance system as affordable? ?

I work on film crews. It an be a long time between movie projects, so I deliver pizzas between crews instead of going on unemployment like many of my film crew buddies. I also own some crappy land, which I inherited, that won't sell. It's just sitting there on the market, screwing me out of qualifying for anything and everything my tax dollars are used for in the way of entitlement funding. I live in a travel trailer. As soon as I have to start paying an upwards of $200 a month for health insurance that is only going to go up, up and up now that pre-existing conditions must be covered, I'm going to have to move into a tent. What part of this is affordable?""

What would happen to my dad's insurance?

My friend was driving my car and he has no insurance when we got pulled over. The cop asked for license and registration. My friend gave his license, but he gave my insurance information and my registration information (which is under my dad's). Would we get penalized for it? Would my dad's insurance rate go up?""

Need help finding helath insurance?

Looking to find a new health insurance policy, one that covers more, like office visits, lab testing, and prescription drugs. I'm 22 female from mn, employed full time, none smoker. Whats a good company?""

Looking for a car insurance commercial.?

In the commercial a guy is using a marshmallow treat to simulate a wrecked car and to fix it he sticks it back together. I believe the commercial is trying to say the insurance is fast at fixing your car. I think there was some sort of frog/toad in the commercial too.. Help?

""I need a cheap, reliable and economical car. Any recommendations?

it would help if it could be all round cheap such as... insurance group etc.

Moped insurance/ registration question in New Jersey?

okay, well i a tomos lx. and i am the first owner. And i called the dmv, and they told me that i need proof of insurance before i get it registered. heres my question. i am 15 and i would like to add the moped to my parents insurance policy. Can i go to the DMV with their insurance policy number and get it registered, go home, and then call the insurance company to put the moped on the policy? basically i show them my parents policy number. Will they accept it? Or do i need call the insurance company, add the insurance to my moped, and then go to the dmv?""

Worcester Massachusetts Cheap car insurance quotes zip 1655

Worcester Massachusetts Cheap car insurance quotes zip 1655

Insurance rate for 2000 ford escort?

it has 143k miles for a female i just need an estimate, it is for a class assignment thanks""

Does an insurance consultant in Massachusetts need to be licensed?

It is corporate insurance, not personal.""

How much will my Insurance go up?

im 18 years old on my mothers policy been driving 1 year crashed my car into a old Escort which his car was called a Rite Off. His rite of value for his car is 950. my damage i fixed with my old money as my insurance did not cover my cars damage. my Current Insurance price is 1250(pa). How much will my insurance go up by next time round...next year in September?

Is selling mortgage protection insurance a good job?

I have been offered a job selling mortgage protection insurance. All sales leads are pre-generated and there is no cold calling. Of course, like any sales job, the company has assured me that I can earn a six-figure income within the first year; but I don't know what to believe. Anybody know anything about this industry? Is this a waste of time?""

How much is home-based insurance?

I am thinking of making money with waxing. I was just wondering how much it would cost me to pay insurance for myself, I am thinking I just need errors and omissions (i.e. liability in case a client decides to sue me). FYI I live in Canada. Thanks!""

What insurance would be best for a Salvaged Car?

See I am a first time driver and I bought a Car which has a salvaged title due to a minor fender bender, I don't drive it because well I've only had it for about 3 days but I would like to know what would be the best coverage I can get from any insurance on a Salvaged title car. I hope it was worth my money buying a salvaged car. some one help!!! PLEASE!""

Do I need insurance to register my car in Illinois?

I just bought a car and wanna get the plates and everything right away. Can I register my car without proof of insurance? Remember its Illinois

""What is the average price of health insurance in Queens, New York?""

I am 26 years and turning 27 soon. I would like to know the average price of health insurance in Queens, New York? I tried getting some quotes online and all the prices are coming out to over $1,000 a month. Some of them more close to $2000. I didn't know the health insurance for an individual was this high. In this Case, I don't think any one who makes low starting salary would be able to get health insurance. I used to pay a little more than $100 a month when I had student health insurance. Also, I heard from one of my cousin(who is 50 years old)...that he pays less than $500 a month...Which made me get confused when I got the quotes online. Also, it is really difficult to get quotes online since they ask for personal infos. I do not want to give any of my personal infos. Can anyone please tell me if there are any health insurance plan ranging from $100-$400 a month? Thanks~""

My car has been broken down for some time do I need insurance?

My cars engine blew up in June. I could not find an engine I could afford at the time. I canceled the insurance due to this. I received a letter in the mail wanting proof of insurance for the state of Ohio. I have purchased a engine now but still haven't had anyone install, so the car is not operational. What do I do? Can I show the receipt for proof the the vehicle wasn't operational?""

Insurance. What do I need to sell Term Insurance in California?

Insurance. What do I need to sell Term Insurance in California?

How much will my car insurance go up???

i recently totaled my brand new 07 scion tc... i had put 11,000 miles on it and i was paying about 1000 dollars a year in insurance... i did not finance the car but bought it outright... about how much will my insurance company give me and how much will my insurance go up""

Can I get liability insurance from an insurance company and collision only from another ?

I went to Allstates and GEICO to get auto insurance the first gave me cheap liability and very expensive collision and the other is the opposite ,can I liability insurance ( bodily injury and property damage) from allstates and collision from GEICO ?""

Car Insurance?

How does the car insurance work here in NYC, I don't fully understand, if you have AIG how much does insurance go up for your parents if you are 17. I've heard 1500-2000, (Is this true?)""

""I got a speeding ticket in Indiana, but I live in California?""

I plan on paying the ticket (Indiana court told me to send $138), but I want to know if I need to go to traffic school? If not, does a record go on my California license and my insurance would go up?""

How much would it be to have my car repainted the factory color and remove some pretty good scratches/dents?

my car was recently scraped by a post and mccdonalds and put some pretty good sracthes in my car with a good size dent and also completely ruined my running board how much do u think it would cost do have all this fixed at macco or if i claimed it as a hit and run would my insurance cover that and repaint my car or atleast half of it the side that was messed up and have ever thing else fixed

""What is the average insurance to run a home day care in San Diego, Ca? What about on rented property?""

I know that opening a daycare on someone else's property is a liability, but possible. Is there extra insurance needed? Do you talk with your landlord prior to renting the property? My father owns an apartment complex, and he said 'No way Jose' if one of his tenants would come to him with this proposition. How much is the average home day care insurance in San Diego, Ca? Thanks!""

Insurance Car Accident?

So today my insurance expired Feb 1st and I had thought I was covered for today. It is snowing outside and a car crashed behind me and did some serious damage. I called the insurance company and got insured. If the crash happened before I paid the insurance but no police were involved am I still covered. The exact timings wouldn't be found out if no police were called at the time correct?

Cheapest Vans to insure?

Hi, I was looking into getting a van as a first car, ideally I was after something like a van/car cross, basically an estate with no back windows, I'm not sure of the group. I was wondering what decent vans are out there and what would be cheapest to insure? The main reason for wanting a van is I regularly surf and would sleep in the back occasionally.""

Looking for cheap & crappy life insurance.?

I am looking for sources of *REALLY* cheap life insurance. I have to have life insurance for the next six years (declining each year), while I pay off a structured legal settlement. I don't care about financial stability of the company or a history of hassling the beneficiaries to collect. I don't care about guaranteed renewability, as if I'm not insurable, I don't have to buy the insurance. All I care about is price and that the policy comes with an official receipt that will satisfy their lawyers. Websites such as INSweb typically only offer 5-year term or longer, and I want cheaper than that.""

Car insurance for 21 yr single female scion fr-s/ subaru brz?

Does anyone know from personal experience about how much insurance for this car would cost? good student driver discount on parent's policy accident free.

""What are car insurances rates just for liability insurance in reno, nv?""

What are car insurances rates just for liability insurance in reno, nv?""

Where is the best online insurance in california without broker and billing fees?

i was wondering where i could find auto insurance online that i dont have to pay broker fees and billing fees in california, my insurance was $197.00 , but ended up paying $298.00 with the billing fees""

I hit a fence with my car will my insurance rates go up if I make a calim?

The other day I was driving my 2000 honda accord and out of no place came a deer that ran out in the street from the woods.I turned my wheel hard to the right not to hit the deer and I hit a woodin fence at an abandoned house.My car is dented up pretty bad .I have full coverage I know the car is 12 years old but it was in excelllent shape before this.if I file a claim will my insurince rates go up?

Cost car insurance in michigan?

hi im 19 live in michiganand want to get a car. it will be valued at around 8,000-10,000 dollars. how much will the absolute cheapest car insurance be per year. i have never been in an accident or had any tickets. thanks for any responses!!""

Motorcycle insurance rate estimation?

I want basic liability insurance for a lower cc Honda Phantom, 700 cc tops. I am a 21 year old male who committed a DUI 2.5 years ago and is now alcohol-free. For that reason, I feel ...show more""

Worcester Massachusetts Cheap car insurance quotes zip 1655

Worcester Massachusetts Cheap car insurance quotes zip 1655

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/arizona-wedding-insurance-patrick-campbell/"

[drippeddaily]

Album of the Year #5: Bedwetter (Lil Ugly Mane) - volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present.

Album of the Year #5: Bedwetter (Lil Ugly Mane) - volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present.

Artist: Bedwetter (Lil Ugly Mane)

Album: volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present.

Label: Self-Released

Release Date: January 29, 2017

Listen:

YouTube

Spotify

Bandcamp

Apple Music

Background

Bedwetter is the latest pseudonym of Travis Miller, best known as Lil Ugly Mane. For a more extensive history of Miller and his work as Lil Ugly Mane before the release of this album, check out my /r/indieheads For Your Consideration write-up on Oblivion Access, as this background is going to mainly focus on what led to the release of his debut project under the Bedwetter album.

After releasing Oblivion Access in late 2015, Miller, as Lil Ugly Mane, formed the group Secret Circle with frequent collaborator Antwon and Wiki (of Ratking) in 2016 and the group has released a few singles, including “KEEP IT LOW”, “SATELLITE” ft. Despot and “Tube Socks”, since the formation of the group. The Bedwetter project was teased in December 2016 with this Facebook post and the release of the singles “selfish” and “stoop lights.”

Finally, volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present. was released on January 29, 2017 on the Lil Ugly Mane Bandcamp after a concerning post on Facebook that has since been taken down. A day after the release, Miller made a new statement on the Lil Ugly Mane Facebook page after receiving a few emails from people asking about the album and what led to its release. The statement is, as below:

I keep getting emails from people.

I wrote this the day before Bedwetter was recorded.

All i could do, all i can do is write poems and basically a polemic yelp review into the notepad on my phone.

what else can i do.

im not gonna get into my own shit on some specific level because fuck you, i dont know you. pay attention to yourself.

but i feel like this is the best way i can explain shit.

polemic yelp review of american heath care system:

"After a lifetime of avoiding this shit. Ignoring this shit. FInding myself confused.

After 3 months of sleeplessly, anxiously glaring into the eyes of an old monster that suddenly grew a new head.

3 months of forgetting who i was. What i was doing.

I knew something had to happen. I'd known this for a while.

I had been reaching out

Calling.

Emailing.

After continuous unsuccessful attempts for months to contact psychiatrists and doctors, I reluctantly checked into the hospital today.

I thought maybe i could get a much needed psych evaluation and hopefully receive some sort of treatment, perhaps even simply a referral and/or an appointment to go see somebody else who could provide that.

I didn't know what else to do.

What else are you supposed to do.

For six hours I sat nervously twitching and in a freezing waiting room.

Whimpering old men being completely overtaken by their Alzheimer's.

Vomiting children.

Bleeding Fingers.

Ugly loud sagging losers who were obviously constantly there.

Begging for attention with some new ailment and concern.

Their broken humilated spouse at their side.

I was anxious and horrified by the idea of a potential forced or even voluntary intake to a psychiatric facility.

Surrending my freedom.

Surrender of my routines.

After six hours of constantly reassuring myself I was doing the right thing, I was finally seen.

Led down a hallway into a bare concrete cell with a small bed in the center. Dim lights. scratches on the drab walls.

Grates in the floor to catch whatever bodily fluids they have to hose out of there.

One of the walls was one of those steel doors that the corner store pulls down at the end of the night.

Not sure what that was about.

Empty though.

A bed and a chair.

Somebody had carved "slipknot sucks" into the plastic bed that was bolted to the floor. Seems fitting.

You're the same, you're basically just a stupid fucking sad teenager right now. You're pathetic. Good luck getting better idiot.

I was given a gown and my belongings were inventoried and confiscated.

I sat and waited in my gown.

Eventually, Two skittish nurses and some community college educated social worker baby-talked their questions to me as a lurching police officer glared at me disgustedly over their shoulders.

I'd chosen to go in at a time where I was feeling okay so i would be fully able to articulate and describe the symptoms I was experiencing so I could potentially receive the most accurate treatment. I thought that made the most sense.

I didn't want to wait until I was in the midst of some anxious episode and having to hyperventilate my troubles out thru a salty humiliated fog. I thought that made the most sense.

I sat and calmy described my symptoms. I tried to convey how terrified i was. I tried to tell them i couldnt do it anymore.

This was received with a couple bored nods and sparse notes being jotted down on a clipboard.

Eventually i was hurried along and any complexity of my disease was all quickly reduced to two simple questions:

"Are you suicidal? Do you wanna hurt anyone else?"

No.

No I don't. I can't think of anything I wanna do less than die, I can't think of anything that frightens me or gives me more anxiety than the uncertainty of what happens when you die.

No.

No I don't actively want to hurt anyone, to be honest, the fact that I voluntarily came in here could be seen as an indication that I'm absolutely exhausted and desperate to stop hurting myself and everyone else by not confronting this shit for so long.

wrong answer.

I was discharged. handed back my clothes, given a xeroxed list of some websites about suicide prevention and a "feel better" or some other equally patronizing verbal pat on the back.

Back right where I started.

Nobody is gonna help me.

Our current mental healthcare system is absolute shit.

Absolute shit that absolutely incentivizes violence and self harm by categorizing it as the sole interpretation of "severity" worth treating.

By making the idea of treatment feel so utterly hopeless to people who already exist and drown in their hopelessness.

Fuck your resources. Fuck being understaffed. Fuck your stupid priorities. You're incompetent .

Here let me clear out some space for you. Free up some of your time. Empty some rooms.

On hurting yourself:

This is a complex issue, but to briefly put it, I believe a suicidal individual should not only be afforded that right, but after some legislatively decided period of time and therapy and education to ward off impulsiveness and melodrama, the same way they treat anybody undergoing assisted suicide. A process. they should be given a safe clean environment and chemicals to facilitate their decision, no matter the reasoning. grow up.

On hurting someone else:

This is not a complex issue. As far as recidivist violent degenerate squealing psychopaths...rabid dogs just need a bullet to the head.

I've read old yeller.

They dont care. Neither do I.

boo hoo.

Conversely:

lock them in a room and keep them safe.

Is this really that hard?

"Are you an immediate threat to yourself or others are you?"

How about instead of prioritizing that question we focus more on:

"Im so tired and exhausted of constantly hurting myself and everyone around me"

Be passing over someone like me, a person who, on their own volition, came to you for help. A person who desperately wants help. You are simply and plainly creating more and more and more people who will eventually be slobbering immediate threats to themselves and all of mankind.

It creates that understanding.

In an already fractured damaged mind it is an entirely reasonable assertion that you would potentially have to commit an act of violence against yourself or others just to receive treatment. even if you didn't want to.

even if that wasn't a real compulsion.

a last resort.

This system has a very real potential to turn people who voluntarily seek help, people who aren't yet completely overtaken by their illness, into violent suicidal monsters because you are dangling their own treatment on a string in front of them, scoffing at their pitiful attempt at recovery and demanding they need to do more.

"well shit, if you want help yr gonna have to try a lot harder than that buddy, haha, comeback after you snapped a random person's neck in a grocery store and cut off all the fingers on your left hand with some scissors, fucking poser".

I'll get better one day.

Not today.

Maybe I'll have fingers.

Maybe I won't."

thanks for the well wishes.

i'm fine.

i'm just angry.

i'm not the only person dealing with this and i've lived a full, somewhat interesting life.

i hate that you are dealing with this.

Review

I don’t really know where to begin with this. volume 1, since its release, has been an incredibly difficult album to listen to due the the background and the depressing lyrical content. This isn’t the first album of 2017 to bring out a similar reaction in me, as the same can be said about Mount Eerie’s A Crow Looked At Me. Both are extremely painful looks at the narrator’s mental health and the events that led its deterioration. For Phil Elverum, it was the death of his wife, Geneviève, after her battle with cancer. For Travis Miller, it was the failure of the American healthcare system when his cries for help were silenced.

Miller’s music, specifically his work as Lil Ugly Mane, is deeply important to me. MISTA THUG ISOLATION and the singles he released before Oblivion Access were all extremely formative in developing my music taste and opened my ears to a lot of new sounds and expressions. Up until the release of volume 1, Miller had always took a more abstract approach to his mental health struggles, and even outright denied his music as Lil Ugly Mane held some deeper meaning. I implied in my write-up for Oblivion Access that it was the first time we were truly hearing a Travis Miller project, but it’s safe to say after listening to volume 1, I might have jumped the gun.

The album begins with the short but cryptic “john”, a remixed and chopped up reading of the Bible verse John 1:1, repeatedly fixating on “was God” before roughly transitioning into “man wearing a helmet.” Distant piano chords, rain, a chopped up female vocal sample, a father talking about his child, a jury reading out a verdict, a man asking another if he and his wife have thought about moving, a father now being interviewed about his child being kidnapped, another female voice that’s hard to decipher but is definitely talking about this child, and a drone playing behind all these people talking leads into the album’s first verse, as Miller describes another person’s childhood memories like ripping bark out of trees, pretending to be Superman, and wearing mismatched pairs of Chucks. These memories quickly turn into just that as we now cut to Miller describing this child being kidnapped: “He's a sitting duck, didn't hear the car pull up / Thought his arm broke when they shoved him in the trunk.”

This story continues as Miller further describes the child’s circumstances after being thrown in the trunk at an almost breakneck pace, seemingly trying to through the story as fast as he can before he breaks down. It’s all extremely traumatizing to hear, as the child begins to fear the worst as he looks back: “He miss his mom's affection / He miss the dinosaur blanket on the bed that he slept in / Miss throwing sticks so the dog would go fetch 'em / Missed makin' forts in the woods with his best friend.”

In the third verse, the car eventually reaches its destination and the child is carried to the kidnapper’s shelter, being led down into a dark stairwell into a lair, the only thing he can see being the “bluish glow of television flickers.” As the child continues to describe their worry at what’s to come, the listener is hit with a gut punch as “he” becomes “I,” as the child Miller was describing the whole time was really himself, revealing the origin story of where his battles with mental health begin as the hook plays on with Miller asking himself questions about this event, with all the answers being “I just don’t remember,” as he has repressed his memories of the kidnapping.

While “man wearing a helmet” looks at his past, “stoop lights” cuts to the modern day, with running static/crinkling, a dizzying string sample, synthetic bass, hi-hats, bass drums, and hand claps building the song’s foundation, as Miller begins rapping about what it’s like to be inside his head with no pretensions or greater abstract meanings. His self-hatred has evolved beyond hatred, as Miller simply wants nothing to do with himself any longer, retreating to alcohol and substance abuse to take away the pain of living, pushing himself towards death. The only light he sees are literal ones, as his description of watching them flicker in the hook leads further describing his problems with alcohol and how it’s led to his family leaving him behind.

Miller’s descriptions of his deteriorating mental state are as compelling as they are downright disturbing to here. It’s still slightly jarring to hear the man who rapped “Slick Rick said treat 'em like a prostitute” talk about alcohol abuse and depression so openly, but that’s what makes volume 1 so fascinating, as it’s essentially Miller throwing in the towel, no longer resorting to an exaggerated gangster persona or gross abstractions, but trying to describe what’s happening in his head and around him without any bullshit.

This no bullshit approach is best put to use in “haze of interference”, which starts off with a repeating sample of a man sing-talking “I’m not sure what it was,” with the rest of the song seeing Miller at not only his most angry, but his most desperate, backed behind menacing synths, distant piano chords, boom bap drums and rattling hi-hats that go back and forth in intensity. One of my favorite lines of the whole album comes out of this first verse and it’s such a simple, but perfect description of crippling depression, as Miller raps towards the end: “Greener on the other side, how about nothing's green.” The second verse sees Miller spitting with more fury than we’ve ever seen, rapping at himself expressing his anger with himself at how he deals with his problems, how he shows himself to his friends and family, and most importantly how his fans see him, with Miller breaking from rapping at “you” to rapping the line “You're treated like a muse, are you happy now, Travis?”

The whole song could end there and still leave a massive impact, but Miller keeps going lamenting the fact that he could disappear and almost no one in his immediate life would notice or care, going from referencing the Jonas Jonasson novel The 100 Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared to straight up saying “If I was glass I'd revert back to sand.” Miller ends the verse by completely shattering the fourth wall he previously damaged with the final lines “I'm standing by a microphone and yelling at a wall / Pick a thousand names, you're still nobody at all,” delivered as Miller’s voice finally cracks as the song plays out for another two minutes with a fuller Jandek sample seen in the song’s intro, before sourly fading out.

And that’s the last we hear of Miller on volume 1, as the second-to-final track “this in not my stomach” features a bizarre and disturbing whisper behind a brooding instrumental, with the lyrics possibly hinting that the song is written in the perspective of the depression itself, trying to convince the host body it’s inhabiting to cut out its stomach, almost like an entity from the Black Lodge. Then, the album ends with “cave yourself over,” a lo-fi piano ballad that simply allows you to sit there and think, taking in all you’ve heard.

volume 1 sees a man afraid. A man backed into a corner. A man calling for help. A man who simply just wants to be understood after purposefully obscuring himself for so long. Music was always the thing Travis Miller could resort back to, something to distract him from his mental troubles. Travis Miller the person and Travis Miller the musician were always supposed to be separated. Then, he finally tried to get help and was humiliated, forcing the two to converge in what became Bedwetter. While mental health awareness is at an all time high in America, there’s still a ton of progress to be made as can be seen by Miller’s story. The final note I want to leave this review on isn’t my own, but Miller’s, as it’s the final paragraph of the album’s Bandcamp description:

I really thought today someone would recognize my courage, as i handed over power just to reconcile my purpose, that I needed something urgent. I was eager just to learn it. I just wanna person, lord I'm weary from this burden.

Favorite Lyrics

Crouched down by the tree at his neighbors

He liked the way the bark ripped off like paper

He pretended he was Superman, eyes had lasers

Every step he took turned earth into craters

Little brown jacket, Lee jeans with a cuff

Bowl cut, blue and yellow mismatched Chucks

“man wearing a helmet”

Waking up in situations

Feeling like I'm living in suspended animation

Guess I'm still sober on occasion

And that's enough for me to rationalize inebriation

“stoop lights”

I told you I ain’t right, you knew it going in

Just shut the fuck up if you wanna be a friend

I don’t want to stretch you more than you extend

I don’t want to spit in the hand that you lend

I did it to myself, I get what I deserve

Thoughts in my head, feel like a raw nerve

I’m lookin' for an answer, I don’t want to hurt but

I just want to sleep when I’m tired of earth

“stoop lights”

Foggy little planet where your groping hands to touch a scream

Greener on the other side, how about nothing's green

Bashful baby boy, so distracted by my toys

Rode a tractor from Wyoming to Chicago, Illinois

On a carpet of the 50 states, part of me disintegrates

The only thing I'm left with is the part I can't articulate

“haze of interference”

You're never getting better, you're addicted to the madness

You're treated like a muse, are you happy now, Travis?

“haze of interference”

If I was glass I'd revert back to sand

Scattered through the sea, I could pass through your hands

None of this will happen, nothing will ever

The things that I believe can never ever happen

I'm standing by a microphone and yelling at a wall

Pick a thousand names, you're still nobody at all

“haze of interference”

Talking Points

How does volume 1 hold up to Travis’ work as Lil Ugly Mane? Is it better, worse, or a whole new beast entirely?

What are your thoughts on the production? Is it a natural evolution from Oblivion Access?

What do you think about the album’s lyrical content? Does the album’s desperate origins come across in the writing?

I also want to open up this thread as a discussion for mental health. How have you dealt with your own mental health troubles? Are they similar to Miller’s experiences?

And finally, where does this album land on your year-end list?

Thanks for reading and big thanks to /u/TheRoyalGodfrey for letting me do this again this year and for bringing Album of the Year over from /r/hiphopheads! We’re currently in the midst of our third Album of the Year series over at /r/indieheads, so if you want to come over and give us some love, that’d be greatly appreciated! You can view what we’ve done so far and what we’ve got coming up over here, and make sure to come back tomorrow on this subreddit as /u/ImWaal talks Rick Ross’ Rather You Than Me.

Artist: Bedwetter (Lil Ugly Mane)Album: volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present.Label: Self-ReleasedRelease Date: January 29, 2017Listen:YouTubeSpotifyBandcampApple MusicBackgroundBedwetter is the latest pseudonym of Travis Miller, best known as Lil Ugly Mane. For a more extensive history of Miller and his work as Lil Ugly Mane before the release of this album, check out my /r/indieheads For Your Consideration write-up on Oblivion Access, as this background is going to mainly focus on what led to the release of his debut project under the Bedwetter album.After releasing Oblivion Access in late 2015, Miller, as Lil Ugly Mane, formed the group Secret Circle with frequent collaborator Antwon and Wiki (of Ratking) in 2016 and the group has released a few singles, including “KEEP IT LOW”, “SATELLITE” ft. Despot and “Tube Socks”, since the formation of the group. The Bedwetter project was teased in December 2016 with this Facebook post and the release of the singles “selfish” and “stoop lights.”Finally, volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present. was released on January 29, 2017 on the Lil Ugly Mane Bandcamp after a concerning post on Facebook that has since been taken down. A day after the release, Miller made a new statement on the Lil Ugly Mane Facebook page after receiving a few emails from people asking about the album and what led to its release. The statement is, as below:I keep getting emails from people.I wrote this the day before Bedwetter was recorded.All i could do, all i can do is write poems and basically a polemic yelp review into the notepad on my phone.what else can i do.im not gonna get into my own shit on some specific level because fuck you, i dont know you. pay attention to yourself.but i feel like this is the best way i can explain shit.polemic yelp review of american heath care system:"After a lifetime of avoiding this shit. Ignoring this shit. FInding myself confused.After 3 months of sleeplessly, anxiously glaring into the eyes of an old monster that suddenly grew a new head.3 months of forgetting who i was. What i was doing.I knew something had to happen. I'd known this for a while.I had been reaching outCalling.Emailing.After continuous unsuccessful attempts for months to contact psychiatrists and doctors, I reluctantly checked into the hospital today.I thought maybe i could get a much needed psych evaluation and hopefully receive some sort of treatment, perhaps even simply a referral and/or an appointment to go see somebody else who could provide that.I didn't know what else to do.What else are you supposed to do.For six hours I sat nervously twitching and in a freezing waiting room.Whimpering old men being completely overtaken by their Alzheimer's.Vomiting children.Bleeding Fingers.Ugly loud sagging losers who were obviously constantly there.Begging for attention with some new ailment and concern.Their broken humilated spouse at their side.I was anxious and horrified by the idea of a potential forced or even voluntary intake to a psychiatric facility.Surrending my freedom.Surrender of my routines.After six hours of constantly reassuring myself I was doing the right thing, I was finally seen.Led down a hallway into a bare concrete cell with a small bed in the center. Dim lights. scratches on the drab walls.Grates in the floor to catch whatever bodily fluids they have to hose out of there.One of the walls was one of those steel doors that the corner store pulls down at the end of the night.Not sure what that was about.Empty though.A bed and a chair.Somebody had carved "slipknot sucks" into the plastic bed that was bolted to the floor. Seems fitting.You're the same, you're basically just a stupid fucking sad teenager right now. You're pathetic. Good luck getting better idiot.I was given a gown and my belongings were inventoried and confiscated.I sat and waited in my gown.Eventually, Two skittish nurses and some community college educated social worker baby-talked their questions to me as a lurching police officer glared at me disgustedly over their shoulders.I'd chosen to go in at a time where I was feeling okay so i would be fully able to articulate and describe the symptoms I was experiencing so I could potentially receive the most accurate treatment. I thought that made the most sense.I didn't want to wait until I was in the midst of some anxious episode and having to hyperventilate my troubles out thru a salty humiliated fog. I thought that made the most sense.I sat and calmy described my symptoms. I tried to convey how terrified i was. I tried to tell them i couldnt do it anymore.This was received with a couple bored nods and sparse notes being jotted down on a clipboard.Eventually i was hurried along and any complexity of my disease was all quickly reduced to two simple questions:"Are you suicidal? Do you wanna hurt anyone else?"No.No I don't. I can't think of anything I wanna do less than die, I can't think of anything that frightens me or gives me more anxiety than the uncertainty of what happens when you die.No.No I don't actively want to hurt anyone, to be honest, the fact that I voluntarily came in here could be seen as an indication that I'm absolutely exhausted and desperate to stop hurting myself and everyone else by not confronting this shit for so long.wrong answer.I was discharged. handed back my clothes, given a xeroxed list of some websites about suicide prevention and a "feel better" or some other equally patronizing verbal pat on the back.Back right where I started.Nobody is gonna help me.Our current mental healthcare system is absolute shit.Absolute shit that absolutely incentivizes violence and self harm by categorizing it as the sole interpretation of "severity" worth treating.By making the idea of treatment feel so utterly hopeless to people who already exist and drown in their hopelessness.Fuck your resources. Fuck being understaffed. Fuck your stupid priorities. You're incompetent .Here let me clear out some space for you. Free up some of your time. Empty some rooms.On hurting yourself:This is a complex issue, but to briefly put it, I believe a suicidal individual should not only be afforded that right, but after some legislatively decided period of time and therapy and education to ward off impulsiveness and melodrama, the same way they treat anybody undergoing assisted suicide. A process. they should be given a safe clean environment and chemicals to facilitate their decision, no matter the reasoning. grow up.On hurting someone else:This is not a complex issue. As far as recidivist violent degenerate squealing psychopaths...rabid dogs just need a bullet to the head.I've read old yeller.They dont care. Neither do I.boo hoo.Conversely:lock them in a room and keep them safe.Is this really that hard?"Are you an immediate threat to yourself or others are you?"How about instead of prioritizing that question we focus more on:"Im so tired and exhausted of constantly hurting myself and everyone around me"Be passing over someone like me, a person who, on their own volition, came to you for help. A person who desperately wants help. You are simply and plainly creating more and more and more people who will eventually be slobbering immediate threats to themselves and all of mankind.It creates that understanding.In an already fractured damaged mind it is an entirely reasonable assertion that you would potentially have to commit an act of violence against yourself or others just to receive treatment. even if you didn't want to.even if that wasn't a real compulsion.a last resort.This system has a very real potential to turn people who voluntarily seek help, people who aren't yet completely overtaken by their illness, into violent suicidal monsters because you are dangling their own treatment on a string in front of them, scoffing at their pitiful attempt at recovery and demanding they need to do more."well shit, if you want help yr gonna have to try a lot harder than that buddy, haha, comeback after you snapped a random person's neck in a grocery store and cut off all the fingers on your left hand with some scissors, fucking poser".I'll get better one day.Not today.Maybe I'll have fingers.Maybe I won't."thanks for the well wishes.i'm fine.i'm just angry.i'm not the only person dealing with this and i've lived a full, somewhat interesting life.i hate that you are dealing with this.ReviewI don’t really know where to begin with this. volume 1, since its release, has been an incredibly difficult album to listen to due the the background and the depressing lyrical content. This isn’t the first album of 2017 to bring out a similar reaction in me, as the same can be said about Mount Eerie’s A Crow Looked At Me. Both are extremely painful looks at the narrator’s mental health and the events that led its deterioration. For Phil Elverum, it was the death of his wife, Geneviève, after her battle with cancer. For Travis Miller, it was the failure of the American healthcare system when his cries for help were silenced.Miller’s music, specifically his work as Lil Ugly Mane, is deeply important to me. MISTA THUG ISOLATION and the singles he released before Oblivion Access were all extremely formative in developing my music taste and opened my ears to a lot of new sounds and expressions. Up until the release of volume 1, Miller had always took a more abstract approach to his mental health struggles, and even outright denied his music as Lil Ugly Mane held some deeper meaning. I implied in my write-up for Oblivion Access that it was the first time we were truly hearing a Travis Miller project, but it’s safe to say after listening to volume 1, I might have jumped the gun.The album begins with the short but cryptic “john”, a remixed and chopped up reading of the Bible verse John 1:1, repeatedly fixating on “was God” before roughly transitioning into “man wearing a helmet.” Distant piano chords, rain, a chopped up female vocal sample, a father talking about his child, a jury reading out a verdict, a man asking another if he and his wife have thought about moving, a father now being interviewed about his child being kidnapped, another female voice that’s hard to decipher but is definitely talking about this child, and a drone playing behind all these people talking leads into the album’s first verse, as Miller describes another person’s childhood memories like ripping bark out of trees, pretending to be Superman, and wearing mismatched pairs of Chucks. These memories quickly turn into just that as we now cut to Miller describing this child being kidnapped: “He's a sitting duck, didn't hear the car pull up / Thought his arm broke when they shoved him in the trunk.”This story continues as Miller further describes the child’s circumstances after being thrown in the trunk at an almost breakneck pace, seemingly trying to through the story as fast as he can before he breaks down. It’s all extremely traumatizing to hear, as the child begins to fear the worst as he looks back: “He miss his mom's affection / He miss the dinosaur blanket on the bed that he slept in / Miss throwing sticks so the dog would go fetch 'em / Missed makin' forts in the woods with his best friend.”In the third verse, the car eventually reaches its destination and the child is carried to the kidnapper’s shelter, being led down into a dark stairwell into a lair, the only thing he can see being the “bluish glow of television flickers.” As the child continues to describe their worry at what’s to come, the listener is hit with a gut punch as “he” becomes “I,” as the child Miller was describing the whole time was really himself, revealing the origin story of where his battles with mental health begin as the hook plays on with Miller asking himself questions about this event, with all the answers being “I just don’t remember,” as he has repressed his memories of the kidnapping.While “man wearing a helmet” looks at his past, “stoop lights” cuts to the modern day, with running static/crinkling, a dizzying string sample, synthetic bass, hi-hats, bass drums, and hand claps building the song’s foundation, as Miller begins rapping about what it’s like to be inside his head with no pretensions or greater abstract meanings. His self-hatred has evolved beyond hatred, as Miller simply wants nothing to do with himself any longer, retreating to alcohol and substance abuse to take away the pain of living, pushing himself towards death. The only light he sees are literal ones, as his description of watching them flicker in the hook leads further describing his problems with alcohol and how it’s led to his family leaving him behind.Miller’s descriptions of his deteriorating mental state are as compelling as they are downright disturbing to here. It’s still slightly jarring to hear the man who rapped “Slick Rick said treat 'em like a prostitute” talk about alcohol abuse and depression so openly, but that’s what makes volume 1 so fascinating, as it’s essentially Miller throwing in the towel, no longer resorting to an exaggerated gangster persona or gross abstractions, but trying to describe what’s happening in his head and around him without any bullshit.This no bullshit approach is best put to use in “haze of interference”, which starts off with a repeating sample of a man sing-talking “I’m not sure what it was,” with the rest of the song seeing Miller at not only his most angry, but his most desperate, backed behind menacing synths, distant piano chords, boom bap drums and rattling hi-hats that go back and forth in intensity. One of my favorite lines of the whole album comes out of this first verse and it’s such a simple, but perfect description of crippling depression, as Miller raps towards the end: “Greener on the other side, how about nothing's green.” The second verse sees Miller spitting with more fury than we’ve ever seen, rapping at himself expressing his anger with himself at how he deals with his problems, how he shows himself to his friends and family, and most importantly how his fans see him, with Miller breaking from rapping at “you” to rapping the line “You're treated like a muse, are you happy now, Travis?”The whole song could end there and still leave a massive impact, but Miller keeps going lamenting the fact that he could disappear and almost no one in his immediate life would notice or care, going from referencing the Jonas Jonasson novel The 100 Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared to straight up saying “If I was glass I'd revert back to sand.” Miller ends the verse by completely shattering the fourth wall he previously damaged with the final lines “I'm standing by a microphone and yelling at a wall / Pick a thousand names, you're still nobody at all,” delivered as Miller’s voice finally cracks as the song plays out for another two minutes with a fuller Jandek sample seen in the song’s intro, before sourly fading out.And that’s the last we hear of Miller on volume 1, as the second-to-final track “this in not my stomach” features a bizarre and disturbing whisper behind a brooding instrumental, with the lyrics possibly hinting that the song is written in the perspective of the depression itself, trying to convince the host body it’s inhabiting to cut out its stomach, almost like an entity from the Black Lodge. Then, the album ends with “cave yourself over,” a lo-fi piano ballad that simply allows you to sit there and think, taking in all you’ve heard.volume 1 sees a man afraid. A man backed into a corner. A man calling for help. A man who simply just wants to be understood after purposefully obscuring himself for so long. Music was always the thing Travis Miller could resort back to, something to distract him from his mental troubles. Travis Miller the person and Travis Miller the musician were always supposed to be separated. Then, he finally tried to get help and was humiliated, forcing the two to converge in what became Bedwetter. While mental health awareness is at an all time high in America, there’s still a ton of progress to be made as can be seen by Miller’s story. The final note I want to leave this review on isn’t my own, but Miller’s, as it’s the final paragraph of the album’s Bandcamp description:I really thought today someone would recognize my courage, as i handed over power just to reconcile my purpose, that I needed something urgent. I was eager just to learn it. I just wanna person, lord I'm weary from this burden.Favorite LyricsCrouched down by the tree at his neighborsHe liked the way the bark ripped off like paperHe pretended he was Superman, eyes had lasersEvery step he took turned earth into cratersLittle brown jacket, Lee jeans with a cuffBowl cut, blue and yellow mismatched Chucks“man wearing a helmet”Waking up in situationsFeeling like I'm living in suspended animationGuess I'm still sober on occasionAnd that's enough for me to rationalize inebriation“stoop lights”I told you I ain’t right, you knew it going inJust shut the fuck up if you wanna be a friendI don’t want to stretch you more than you extendI don’t want to spit in the hand that you lendI did it to myself, I get what I deserveThoughts in my head, feel like a raw nerveI’m lookin' for an answer, I don’t want to hurt butI just want to sleep when I’m tired of earth“stoop lights”Foggy little planet where your groping hands to touch a screamGreener on the other side, how about nothing's greenBashful baby boy, so distracted by my toysRode a tractor from Wyoming to Chicago, IllinoisOn a carpet of the 50 states, part of me disintegratesThe only thing I'm left with is the part I can't articulate“haze of interference”You're never getting better, you're addicted to the madnessYou're treated like a muse, are you happy now, Travis?“haze of interference”If I was glass I'd revert back to sandScattered through the sea, I could pass through your handsNone of this will happen, nothing will everThe things that I believe can never ever happenI'm standing by a microphone and yelling at a wallPick a thousand names, you're still nobody at all“haze of interference”Talking PointsHow does volume 1 hold up to Travis’ work as Lil Ugly Mane? Is it better, worse, or a whole new beast entirely?What are your thoughts on the production? Is it a natural evolution from Oblivion Access?What do you think about the album’s lyrical content? Does the album’s desperate origins come across in the writing?I also want to open up this thread as a discussion for mental health. How have you dealt with your own mental health troubles? Are they similar to Miller’s experiences?And finally, where does this album land on your year-end list?Thanks for reading and big thanks to /u/TheRoyalGodfrey for letting me do this again this year and for bringing Album of the Year over from /r/hiphopheads! We’re currently in the midst of our third Album of the Year series over at /r/indieheads, so if you want to come over and give us some love, that’d be greatly appreciated! You can view what we’ve done so far and what we’ve got coming up over here, and make sure to come back tomorrow on this subreddit as /u/ImWaal talks Rick Ross’ Rather You Than Me.

[fairycosmos]

Hi sorry to bother you but things have been going really bad lately and i have no one to talk to and i'm just looking for one just one reason to stay alive tonight and make it through to tomorrow because every single thing seems meaningless and please don't feel obligated to help me but if you can please even just a couple of words would help (sorry to beg im kinda desperate lol)

hi my love. i'm so sorry i just saw this idk if we're in different time zones or what but i hope it's not too late. i want to say that it's okay to have nights like this. processing negative emotions, while painful, is not necessarily something to be avoided. it's alright to cry and to break down and to not know what to do sometimes. life is fucking hard, and you're only human. it feels meaningless because we have to create our own meaning and sometimes that doesn't feel good enough, and it takes too long. depression is impatient and cynical. but you're honouring fate just by living the human experience. you're finding reason every day, even if it doesn't seem that way. and ultimately you don't need permission from anyone to be upset. the only responsibility you have is to try and cope in the healthiest way possible. this doesn't have to be some grand gesture, even just staying safe and warm in your bed while you work through the turmoil is something to be so proud of. the biggest trick of the sadness is that it warps your perception and convinces you that it's permanent, that happiness is some far off impossibility, but it's not. it's actually inevitable. the future is ever changing and open, it'll be so much more than you realize. but you gotta give yourself a chance to get to that point by practicing self compassion in the present moment. take a second, breathe. ask yourself what you need (not what you self destructively want) - rest, a distraction, to rant. there may be no all encompassing solution, but the fact that you're surviving it means you're subconsciously learning how to cope in more ways than one. i'm really sorry to hear you don't think you have anyone to talk to. i know exactly how disorienting that can feel. i don't know the details of your situation, but there are often numerous resources than can help you out with this sort of thing even if you don't have much of a support system. there are mental health hotlines and support groups, or you could talk to your doctor to see if they can refer you to a professional. if you're underage there may be a counselor at school you can turn to. i know those ideas are very daunting and seem very distant, and 'that' part of your brain may automatically try to write it off. but i'm just asking you to consider it as an alternative to the cycle of isolation that you're in. people understand more than you know. so many of us are in the same boat as you. and it genuinely is ok to talk about what's going on in your head. any shame you feel is learned, and can be unlearned if you try. the embarrassment you feel when being vulnerable will always lead to progress, but the depression you feel from keeping it all inside will always cause you to regress. anyway i realize that this doesn't help you in the current moment, it's just something to think about. until then, if you're doing everything you can to take care even in the smallest of ways, then you're doing so much better than you think you are. and i'm sincerely proud of you, from the bottom of my heart, because dealing with your own mindset is one of the most difficult things in the world and yet every day, you're doing it. the bottom line is that you're important, your life is significant and you deserve to see what the world wants to offer you. even if you can't believe that at the moment, the relationship you have with yourself will change over the course of your life and eventually you will learn to be without guilt. you're not stuck, i promise. nights like this may persist (or they may not) but they don't negate all of the steps you're taking to help yourself. change is genuinely inevitable and where you're at right now is absolutely not where you're always going to be. that will remain an objective truth, something you can count on - unlike those thought processes that are simply products of falsified self hatred. you are so much stronger and more resilient than you can even fully comprehend. it does apply to you, all of this does. and i get why you find it hard to believe, but you didn't survive all of this for nothing. take it one day at a time dude. if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even getting through one minute at a time is an achievement. you're not doing anything wrong by trying to survive. like i said before, the world is offering itself to you over and over and it's completely fine to turn away sometimes but you deserve more than rejecting it completely. anyway, please try to remain safe and get some rest when you can. consider your options, and in those moments where you want to go mad, take a step back and find some perspective. i hope you think about reaching out whenever you're able to, and also that you know i'm rooting for you with all my heart. you've got this. it's a bad day, it's the end of the world and her you will survive it with the chance to try again. sending so much love your way. let me know if you need a friend