#the first two are both from 1x01

[chirpsythismorning]

[confused-pyramid]

Coming Up For Air | s1

pairing: aaron hotchner x childhood bsf!reader

summary: Hotch and his childhood best friend working together at the BAU: a slow burn across the seasons.

word count: 10.4k

warnings: canon!typical violence, mentions of abuse, death of a spouse, slow slow slow burn, specific episodes mentioned in this part are 1x01, 1x06, 1x07, 1x08, 1x15, 1x16, and 1x22

a/n: I started rewatching Criminal Minds from the beginning, and this is what came out of it heh. This is the first part in a little series I'm starting that follows Hotch and his childhood best friend in the BAU, beginning with the pilot. If all goes well, this will continue through the rest of the show, with ~1 part per season :) Title is from Coming up for air by Signals in Smoke

series masterlist

You haven't used your oven in over a year. It's not that you don't like cooking - because you do - you just haven't had the time. If you could, you would blame it on the extra hours you have had to put in after starting at the BAU, but that wouldn't be fair. Your transfer to the unit was the only thing that got you through his death at all.

After your husband was shot and killed in action while tailing a kingpin of one of the New York mobs, you couldn't bear to be in this house at all. You had gone back home to stay with your father for a couple of months, but eventually you had to get back to your real life. With a month remaining on your bureau-mandated leave, you returned to the home you had shared, before one of the lower-level mob soldiers misfired -

You didn't let yourself think about it for almost a year, but time heals all wounds. The poets were right. At least you hope they are.

Even back at home, you still couldn't bear to be there alone, other than when you were sleeping. That's why your peloton was gathering dust and your kitchen went untouched, until just now.

So, of course, the call from the office comes when you're making dinner. It takes five minutes to change into slacks and a button-up, and two more to toss your half-cooked vegetables in the trash, before driving down to headquarters.

A fourth girl has been taken in Seattle, and the local PD only now decided to invite your team. You know the BAU isn't well-liked by the other departments, but that doesn't mean you aren't effective.

When you enter the building, you rush through the I.D. check and jog over to the lecture hall, where Morgan and Reid are standing outside of a neighboring office like children waiting for their father to come and get them.

Shooting them both a thin-lipped smile, you step inside just as they finish discussing the unsub's pattern.

"They want you back in the saddle," Hotch says to the man beside him after greeting you with a nod.

Your eyes are so immediately drawn to Hotch that it takes you a moment to realize that you recognize the man standing next to him. You haven't seen him since the day you were assigned to the BAU, mostly because you were technically transferred to this unit because of his extended leave.

What was supposed to be one month became six, before Hotch informed you that your temporary placement would be permanent, if you were willing to stay in Virginia.

It was a no-brainer.

You turn your gaze to Jason Gideon as everyone in the room stares at him expectantly. He looks self-assured, but you're sure the confidence is a front. "They sure they want me?"

"The order came from the director," Hotch says simply.

"Well," Gideon states, "we'd better get started, then."

Hotch glances over at you as everyone files out of the room and you raise your eyebrows momentarily, a quick check-in between the two of you. He nods imperceptibly and it's enough for now. He didn't tell you Gideon was coming back today, but now isn't the time to give him hell for that.

***

Hotch is the last to board the plane, and he takes his usual seat beside you, this time in the aisle, a few rows away from the rest of the team.

"I was going to tell you," he says as soon as you close the case file in your hands. "The section chief wants me to evaluate him to see if he's ready to return to the team."

"That's a lot of pressure." They have to know that Gideon will be able to smell him out within the day. "You sure it won't get in the way?"

Hotch makes that face you hate, the one that says he knows you're deflecting. "I was going to tell you."

It doesn't take much for you to forgive him. It helps that you trust him completely, especially after everything he has done for you.

"Still," you smile, bumping his shoulder with yours, "it would have been nice to know about the sudden change to my job security."

You're mostly joking, but his frown is genuine. "Don't be silly. You'll always have a place on this team."

He takes everything so seriously these days. You suppose it's only fair, given the files he has to sort through on a daily basis. Picking which case deserves the team's attention the most.

But he wasn't always like this. You're the newest member of the team, but you've known Hotch longer than any of them.

You still remember the first time you met him, at eight years old. He was your first real friend at school, and you became inseparable easily. Your shared love for The Beatles and Law and Order made you fast friends, and as you grew older, your interests shifted in tandem.

Sometimes when you look at him, you still see that little boy who knew too much, but still managed to always make you laugh.

***

The team disperses soon after you land in Seattle. You've never had to come up with a profile in one afternoon, but it's also been a long time since your ticking clock to find the victim was just over a day.

When Gideon and Morgan head to the latest crime scene, you join Hotch and Reid to interview the victim's brother. The moment the three of you step into his house, his dog, Sandy, starts barking up a storm.

"It's what we call the Reid effect," Hotch smiles, walking over to pet her. "Happens with children, too."

You can't help but smile as well, peering over at Spencer, who looks about as uncomfortable as he usually does.

It doesn't escape your notice that the brother looks looser now. Hotch has a way with people that traces back to his childhood self. He was always wiser than his years, something you chalk up to his need to grow up faster than he should have, but his paternal instinct comes from practically raising his brother, Sean, after his dad's untimely death.

The casual interview reveals enough about the victimology that when you head back to the station, Gideon calls the officers in to explain the profile.

You can feel Morgan's agitation wafting off of him as he watches Gideon state his assumptions with startling clarity and confidence. Hotch, on the other hand, looks contemplative, which reminds you that he's been tasked with the returning agent's evaluation.

He can see your furtive glances in his direction, even as you try to remain secretive about your interest in his demeanor. He presses his lips together to keep from smiling as he thinks about how lucky you are that you went into profiling and not covert operations.

You have never been especially good at keeping your own thoughts or intentions to yourself around him. While some would call that a weakness in this field, he sees it as your greatest strength, because it clearly shows how much he can trust you.

As a kid, you were outspoken about every idea you had, and you used your strength and willpower to look out for him when he needed it. It took him a long time to admit how much he used to need you (maybe too long), but you always knew.

***

Gideon's profile leads to the arrest of Richard Slessman and Tim Vogel, and Elle manages to save the last girl while she's still alive. You catch your breath for the first time in 36 hours as you stand with Hotch in the shipyard, watching the paramedics and local police clear the scene.

"What are you going to tell them?" you ask under your breath as his gaze turns to Gideon, who is getting patched up in the back of an ambulance.

He had goaded the unsub into shooting him instead of the girl, but your mind can't seem to focus on the silver lining.

Hotch sighs, crossing his arms over his chest, as though to hold his coat closed against the breeze. "They want to know if he's fit to be a field agent again."

Normally, you would give him shit for using that tactic. Avoiding a question by providing more information. This time, you know he's just thinking out loud.

"What would you say?" Hotch asks as Morgan walks over and sits on a barrel next to you.

"Gideon saved her life," Derek shrugs, his eyes flashing to you for a moment. "That's good enough for me."

Hotch seems to ponder this for a second. "Do you know what Gideon means in Hebrew?"

"Mighty warrior," Reid interjects, popping in to the conversation with the subtlety of a tiger.

You're confused at first, but then you remember the baby names book that was sitting in Hotch's living room the last time you visited him. "You cannot let Haley name your child Gideon."

Hotch laughs suddenly, and you can tell you surprised it out of him. Your chest warms comfortably as he smiles, his cheeks flushing softly in the chill air.

He looks over at Gideon again, deciding in real time that he's going to recommend him to come back to the team. He would never admit it to you or anyone, but he knows that if your position on the team was in jeopardy from Gideon's return, he wouldn't have been able to complete his evaluation fairly.

It was Hotch who recommended you for the open position after he was promoted into Gideon's role as unit chief. You deserved the spot, of course, but Jeff's death had still been fresh and he knew better than most how much the job can take one's mind off of the other aspects of their life.

While Hotch watches Gideon, you watch him. You can tell from the look on his face that it's a done deal. Jason's coming back to the team. It will be a change of pace for everyone, but that doesn't mean it won't be good.

Having joined the team right after the bombing, you saw exactly how Gideon changed after getting the profile wrong, but so did everyone else. What people didn't talk about was how Aaron changed too. Rising into the rank. Growing to fill the hole that Gideon left in the unit, but somehow also shrinking into himself at the same time, because that's what this job does to you...it takes and it takes and it takes until you have nothing left to give.

But sometimes that's what you need: to give something up so you know you aren't losing everything.

***

Gideon settles into the team faster than you anticipated, and soon it's almost like he never left. Even though you can see the vein on Morgan's neck pulsate every time he hijacks a profile, you can't help but appreciate the support he gives to Spencer and Elle, both of whom are becoming incredible profilers before your very eyes.

That's also why you find yourself a little worried when Hotch tells you that Reid failed his weapons recertification.

"I thought you said you were helping him practice," you say as the two of you walk past security and toward the bullpen.

"I was," he emphasizes, before correcting himself, "I did. I'm sure he was just nervous."

You nod, pushing open the doors and spotting Reid sitting quietly at his desk. "He can test again in two weeks. He'll be fine."

When Morgan hands him a whistle with a quippy joke, you sigh into your coffee tumbler, but don't bother stepping in. He's being childish, but if you try to intervene, it'll just embarrass Spencer more.

"Okay," JJ starts, "Franklin Park, Des Plaines. Yesterday afternoon."

She dives into the case, but you have already read the file (and you know Reid has too) so you scoot your chair over to his desk and lean forward so only he can hear you. "I failed my first weapons certification at the bureau too."

Spencer looks up immediately, his face colored with surprise. "Really? You're one of the best shots I know."

You smile with a shrug. "The tests aren't real life. When it comes down to it, I get the job done. Just like you will."

He doesn't say anything for a moment, but then his lips curve up into a small smile. You both turn your attention back to the front just as JJ finishes explaining the case details.

"Wheels up in 30."

The flight to Illinois is filled with heated discussions about the bureau's fruitless history of trying to profile long distance serial killers.

"L. D. S. K.s are so rare, we haven't been able to build a standard profile," Hotch explains as the jet reaches cruising altitude.

Gideon chimes in immediately. "Here's what we do know: they're always male, and they frequently have law enforcement or military experience, and they always contact the police or the media."

Elle looks confused and you echo her sentiment as you lean your hip against her armrest. "To take credit or relive the experience?"

"Both," he says simply. "All serial killers attempt to relive the ecstasy they get from their killings. Some use souvenirs taken from the victims, and others return to the dump site to interact with the body. Both modes require contact with the victim, contact which, by definition, long distance serial killers don't have."

"Our unsub hasn't contacted anybody," you point out. "What do we do until then?"

"Sometimes it's not what the unsub does that reveals the profile. Sometimes it is what they do not do."

Reid glances up from the file in his lap, and you notice that he looks at Gideon first. "He doesn't kill his victims."

"Underkill's a unique signature," Hotch ponders, standing up and walking along the cabin. He only paces when he's deep in thought. "The question is, does he shoot them in the stomach intentionally just to wound them, or is he just aiming at the biggest part of the target?"

The team is silent as you take in this new analysis. You're not surprised when Gideon is the first to speak up. "Specifically, does the unsub lack the skill to make the head shot, or simply the will to take it?"

When the plane lands, you check out the last crime scene before spending the day talking to the local police and the victims' surgeons at the nearby hospital.

That night, when you check into your hotel room, the click of the door lock closing behind you is a welcome relief from the tension of the day. Many of the Des Plaines police officers were unhappy with the team's initial assessment, because it heavily implied that the unsub may have been a law enforcement official himself.

You wash your face and change into a tee shirt and a comfortable pair of sweatpants, before climbing into bed and opening the case file back up again. The rest of the team has also gone to their own rooms, but you can't help but wish you had another set of eyes looking at this with you.

As though reading your mind, a knock thuds on your door and you stand up quickly, in case it's an emergency. When you check the peephole, you see Hotch standing way too close to the door.

Unlocking it slowly so you don't startle him, you open the door to find him in still in a full suit.

"Is there a problem?" you ask immediately. "Do I need to get dressed?"

He shakes his head, glancing around the hallway so quickly that you almost miss it. "I was just looking over the profile and I wanted your opinion on some thoughts I had."

The corner of your mouth twitches and you open the door further to let him in. He doesn't miss a beat as he takes a seat on the armchair in front of your bed and flips open his notepad.

"I was thinking about the bullet we recovered on the scene," he says slowly, like he's thinking through every word he's saying.

You nod, sitting on top of the bed covers and crossing your legs under you. "Garcia called after you left the station. The bullet was a .223 fired from the M-4 variant of the M-16."

"That means he's military," Hotch says, reaching his hand out without taking his eyes off his notepad. You close the case file you had laid out and hand it to him. "M-4 is a shorter barrel than the M-16, so it's less accurate and a lot harder to fire, especially at these distances."

"This level of skill indicates specialized training. That means..."

"It means the underkill was on purpose," Hotch says, finishing your thought. "What is he trying to prove?"

You purse your lips as he sits up in the chair to give himself room to remove his jacket. His pinstriped button-down is slightly crinkled under his arms, but you can tell it was freshly ironed this morning.

"Maybe he's in a fast-paced occupation," you suggest, "which would fit with the profile that he has a big ego."

"Then we're back to law enforcement."

You lean forward, your eyes following his hands as they fidget with his cuffs and undo the buttons, one at a time. You've always been attune to every one of his movements, but maybe it's just because you've spent so much time around him.

"Hotch," you whisper-yell, snagging his attention from your case file, which he tosses back to you.

He hums and you take that as an invitation to continue speaking. "Be careful tomorrow, when you're giving the profile."

One of his eyebrows lifts and you can tell he's holding back a smile. "It's just in front of the Des Planes PD. You'll be there too."

"It's not that," you sigh, shaking your head. "Everything about this profile points to the shooter being either current or former law enforcement. I'd be surprised if they didn't take it personally."

His eyes flit up to yours, his brow furrowing. "I can handle myself."

"I'm sure you can, Hotch," you say with a breathy laugh. "Doesn't mean I don't still look out for you."

He pauses and it's like his whole body takes a beat. "I know."

***

You're talking to Dr. Landman with Derek, Elle, and Jason the next day when a gunshot rings out through the hospital. Last you checked, Hotch and Reid were in the E.R., but you haven't heard from them since you arrived.

"It's Phillip Dowd," a nurse informs you when you meet with local police outside the closed E.R. door.

After a quick call to Penelope, the profile becomes clear.

"He joined the army at 18," Gideon recites, pacing around the room in a vaguely reminiscent manner, "went to ranger school, did 6 years before being dishonorably discharged in '95 for conduct unbecoming. Obviously lied about it, joined the Arlington P. D."

"You were right," the police captain sighs. "He was a cop."

His hopeless tone is disheartening, and you find yourself upset for not the first time that your team was correct in their assessment.

After the initial commotion, the E.R. is silent except for a few muffled voices. You can't hear what's being said, but the lack of gunshots or loud noises is all that's keeping you from falling apart.

"It'll be okay," you hear whispered from next to you. You turn to see Derek, who presses his shoulder to yours briefly. "Hotch will know what to do."

You know there's nothing you can do from out here, especially with how precarious the situation inside is, but doing nothing has never been your strong suit.

"I know," you tell him, echoing your thoughts. "I just wish we could help."

Derek cocks his head at the S.W.A.T. team readying themselves to break the door down. "We can help. We need to give Hotch and the kid time to wear Dowd down."

His tone is light and you feel yourself laugh, ignoring the thickness that swells in your throat. "That shouldn't take long."

Derek bumps your arm again in a silent extension of comfort, and you mouth a silent thank you.

You can feel Gideon losing patience as he reasons with the captain, but he eventually buys them three minutes to do what they can. When the final five second countdown starts, you unconsciously hold your breath, only to be released when Hotch's voice calls through the door.

"Hold your fire!"

Your breath comes out like a gasp and you squeeze Derek's arm before rushing forward. Hotch stumbles past you with a murmur that sounds obscurely like "help Reid", so you push your way through the throng of civilians moving to escape until you see him.

"Spencer," you gasp, crouching down to help him into a standing position. You would never admit it to him, but ever since he joined the team, he's been something of a little brother to you. "What happened in here? Are you okay?"

"You were right," he says with a surprising steadiness to his voice. "I got the job done."

You don't ask what he means, knowing that Hotch will fill you in when the time is right. Instead, you decide not to fight the vaguely maternal urge rising within you and you pull him into a tight hug. It's more of a quick squeeze, because you don't want to push past his physical boundaries, but he doesn't complain, instead looking over at you with a small smile that's more than enough for now.

***

You find Hotch where the departed ambulance that patched Reid up was parked. All of the hustle and bustle of the paramedics and local police officers and bureau agents comes to a standstill as you walk over to where he's sitting on the edge of the curb.

"I heard what happened," you say as a way to announce your presence. "Can I sit?"

He nods without looking up, and you crouch down next to him, settling on the curb with your shoulder pressed to his. You can feel the tension in his muscles as he grips the sidewalk, his palms digging into the concrete like he could break through if he pressed hard enough. "Reid.."

"..is fine," you whisper, nudging him so he looks up to where Spencer and Jason are chattering excitedly. "He's more proud than anything."

He doesn't say anything, so you bump your knee against his. "I guess all of the physical training classes you made him take at the academy paid off."

He knows you know exactly what is running through his mind, so he doesn't bother trying to articulate it. Instead, he lets out the breath he didn't realize he was holding, and looks over at you. "Do you remember that self-defense class we took before law school?"

You're not expecting this question, and you almost laugh. "You mean the singular self-defense class you dragged me to before dawn in the summer before we started at Georgetown?"

He levels you with a look that you would think is serious if you didn't know him so well. "You don't regret it, though."

"No," you smile, your eyes blurring with emotion. That's where you met Jeff. "I don't."

He was your instructor that day. He only taught that class twice a week, between lectures at Georgetown Law, and it doesn't escape your mind that you so easily could've missed him. One day earlier or later and you never would've met him, never would've been his girlfriend, or his wife, or his widow.

Hotch remembers meeting him that day too. He had to literally come to your apartment and drag you out of bed to make the seven AM class that he had signed you both up for, and you had been grumpy the whole drive over.

There wasn't much, other than coffee, that could get you alert before eight in the morning, but the moment you walked into that gym, it was like you were wide awake. He spent the rest of the class trying not to look as the man he would later come to know as Agent Adler kept coming over to give you extra pointers, and he pretended that the coil of ice slithering up his spine was there just because he was watching out for you.

When he found out the two of you had started dating, he continued to pretend the nausea rising in his stomach was from the day-old sandwich he had had for lunch, because it wasn't fair. Especially since he was with Haley, and he was happier than he had ever been, even if the new law school course load was making it harder to see her as often as he wanted to.

But eventually, your happiness with him overpowered every protective urge he felt, and he realized that even if there was a feeling in his gut that he didn't recognize when he saw you two together, Jeff was perfectly suited for you.

***

"He's so gorgeous!" JJ coos, her hands twitching at her sides like she's trying not to reach forward and take the baby out of Haley's hands.

She brought Jack, their newborn son, in to work today to show the team, and Hotch looks prouder than you've ever seen him. "Thank you."

"If you find baldness and wrinkles attractive."

"Reid!" you chastise, swatting at him. He dodges your hands without even looking.

"Look at his widdy biddy nose," Garcia squeals, before turning to Morgan with an inquisitive look. "Don't you want one of these?"

He just laughs as he rests his chin on her shoulder. "Mm, I'll stick to practicing."

"Congratulations," Elle chimes in before returning to Gideon's side to continue discussing the new case that came in. She's always on top of things, and it's something you respect greatly about her.

"Thanks," Hotch smiles, his gaze returning to Jack after looking away for only a moment. Jack is like a siren, the way each of his little sounds or movements holds Hotch's attention so steadily. He's the most focused of all of you, but you've still never seen him this enamored. "She's amazing. I'm a little terrified."

"You're glowing," you tell Haley as the rest of the team heads to the briefing room. "How is it that you had a baby just a few weeks ago?"

"You're sweet," she smiles, before tilting her head forward. "Do you want to hold him? You're practically his aunt."

You gasp quietly, so as not to wake little Jack. "That is a title I will carry proudly. And yes, I would love to hold him."

Haley hands him to you slowly, and you make sure to support his head carefully as you cup your arms around him. He looks so much like Haley that you almost make a joke about Hotch's genes not even putting up a fight, but that nose...that nose has Hotch written all over it.

When you glance back to where the team left from, you see him turn back at the same moment and offer you an encouraging smile.

"How are you holding up?" you ask Haley, barely able to focus on your surroundings with a newborn in your arms. Maybe there is something to the siren thing.

"Jack's been incredible. He barely cries, it's kind of a godsend...but I do wish Aaron could take time off with me."

You give her what you hope is your most comforting smile. "We've been super swamped with cases here, but in all my years working with him, I have never seen him so eager to leave every night."

She laughs, a pretty sound you remember from your youth. "I know. I feel so unfair when I complain about these things, but I appreciate you humoring me."

"Not at all," you assure her, glancing back down at Jack, who is mid-yawn. "I understand completely. If I had one of these little guys, I wouldn't be able to think about anything else."

You hear her breath catch and you open your mouth to reassure her that it's fine, but she is already reaching forward to squeeze your arm. "You and Jeff would have made amazing parents."

When you both joined the bureau, you were so busy with work that kids weren't on your mind at all. It wasn't until you got settled at the BAU, and Jeff found his place with organized crime, that you even started talking about it.

You want kids, don't you?

Only a few. Maybe four or five. Yeah, five's a good number.

"I should get back to the team," you say softly, blinking away the memories.

Haley sees your face and she smiles sadly as she takes Jack back from your arms. "I'll see you soon. Tell him I'm heading home, will you?"

You nod and watch the elevator doors close in front of her, before joining the team.

***

"I can't believe you went bar hopping without me," Derek shakes his head, feigning offense as he leans so far back in his chair you're afraid it may tip over.

"I think hopping is kind of a strong word," you say, glancing over at Elle, who is perched on the edge of your desk. "We only had one bar in mind, but it closed earlier than we thought, so we went somewhere else after."

"This was a much needed girl's night," Elle grins, patting Morgan on the shoulder as he continues to pout. "We'll invite you next time."

"How was your weekend, Dr. Reid?" you ask, turning around to face him.

Spencer doesn't look up from his crossword.

You say his name again, recalling the attention of Derek and Elle, who had started talking about some trip they've been planning for what feels like months.

When he still doesn't look up, you pick up one of the BAU-provided pens on your desk and chuck it at him, just hard enough to bridge the gap between your desks, but not so hard that it hurts on impact.

"Ow!" Spencer yelps anyway, glancing up with a look that's somewhere between confusion and indignation. He picks the pen up off the ground and turns it over to see the tiny insignia on the cap. "This is FBI property."

"How was your weekend, Spencer?" you ask again, ignoring him. "Didn't you say you had some fun stuff planned?"

"I did," he lights up, instantly forgetting about the pen incident. "My local movie theater was showing reruns of the first season of the original Star Trek, so I got to experience it on the big screen."

Derek laughs and walks back over to his desk next to yours. "We have very different definitions of fun weekend plans, kid."

You're about to tell Derek that no one wants to hear what his idea of fun is when the office door upstairs flies open and Hotch and Gideon walk out.

Reid hands you back your pen, and Derek sits up in his chair so fast it's almost comical.

"We have another case," Hotch announces before coming to a stop.

Gideon takes it away. "Our unsub is male, intelligent, organized and methodical. He has the confidence of a man who's been killing for a long time."

"Only victim removed from the scene is Freddy Condore indicating some tie to him."

Hotch turns to you. "You, Elle, and Reid stay on Condore's background with Garcia. The rest of us will head to the crime scene."

You nod before standing up. "Let's go, kids."

Penelope's lair is just as eccentric as you remember it.

"Take a seat," she instructs before logging into her computer and opening up her criminal history database. "Just don't get too comfortable."

Your lips quirk up as Elle flashes her eyes at you, and you nod your head at the empty chair on Garcia's opposite side. Reid is already sitting on a desk chair by the back, spinning in aimless circles as he rattles off a list of markers to search for.

After a minute, Penelope stops typing. "Credit card receipts show Freddy loved crab cakes, preferred light beer and used to spend his Thursday nights with a woman in Fells Point."

You pick up a stress toy shaped like a tomato from one of her shelves and bounce it in your palm, just for something to occupy your hands.

"What about his associates?" Elle asks, grabbing a pen with a pom-pom on the end and poking it at Spencer's knee.

"Most of them have criminal records."

Elle glances up. "That much I guessed."

Penelope frowns, and looks pointedly at the pen in her hand.

"She's holding the tomato!" Elle complains, throwing a finger at you.

You lift up your hands in surrender, dropping the stress toy. "Thanks a lot, Greenaway."

"Anyway," Reid interrupts, to everyone's surprise, "One of these guys is particularly interesting. Pull up James Baker's rap sheet."

Penelope turns back to her computer as Spencer reads over her shoulder. "He spent time in juvenile detention for attempted murder, was released at age 21, and then subsequently arrested for, and this is in order, armed robbery, petty theft, burglary, narcotics sales, and rapе."

"What's so interesting about that?"

"When it comes to psychological behavior, anything is possible but this criminal history? It just isn't probable."

Elle nods in agreement. "I mean, as a minor, he began with attempted murder and then devolved into pettier crimes?"

"It's the criminal history of a fractured schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder," you sigh. "It just does not make sense."

***

Hotch calls you into his office when he and Morgan return from Baker's address. You can tell something is off before you even step through the door, so you shut it behind you and take a seat in front of his desk.

"What's going on?" you ask, your eyes glancing over his face to see if his micro-expressions can give you a hint. "What's wrong?"

He looks up with a sigh, his hands clasped on his desk. "Baker's place was an artificial dwelling, and the weapon we recovered on the scene was standard law enforcement issue."

It takes you a few seconds to comprehend what he's trying to say - a few seconds longer than usual - and your breath stutters in your throat. "He was undercover?"

"That's what it looks like," Hotch agrees. "I wanted to inform you before telling the rest of the team."

You nod, pressing your eyes closed for a beat.

He missed his pick-up, Mrs. Adler.

We'll call you as soon as we know more.

The memories start to flood back in and you squeeze your eyes shut tighter before opening them. Hotch looks blurry for a moment until your eyes adjust to the light again.

"Does organized crime know where he is?" you ask, desperately needing to fill the silence.

He looks down at the case file. "We assume so, but it's not like they would tell us. They weren't too happy that we were taking on this case at all, and now we know why."

"Maybe they'll talk to me," you suggest, even though the idea of talking to Josh Cramer makes you taste bile. You haven't seen him since a month after the funeral. It's not for his lack of trying, you just couldn't stomach looking at any of them after what happened. One missed call turned to ten and eventually they stopped trying.

There's a piercing pain behind your eyes and you squeeze them shut for a momentary relief. "It was only supposed to be three months."

Hotch's brow furrows and you don't look up at him just yet. You can already picture his expression, the anguish you know he feels for you whenever you bring up Jeff.

"It was a three month operation," you continue, knowing you won't be able to discuss it later if you stop talking now. "That's all we signed up for. Three months away from me and then he was on leave for the rest of the year, so that we could focus on us again. Maybe even start a family."

Your voice cracks on the last word and you tilt your head down to hide your face. He hates it when you cry, but that's not fair. He knows how important it is to get your emotions out, so they don't pile up inside of you, but if he had his way, you would never have had a reason to cry in the first place.

"I hadn't seen him in over a month when he was..."

He can hear the tightness in your voice and he resists the overwhelming urge to reach his hand out and take yours. You're sitting a foot back from the desk, and it's not he could reach you from here anyway, but his fingers still ache.

"I don't want to blame them, Aaron," you sigh. Your words sound watery, and he pulls a handkerchief out of his inside jacket pocket and hands it to you. He's almost surprised when you accept the gesture, pressing the cloth square under your eyes to catch the tears leaking out. You were so self-reliant as a kid, never wanting or needing anyone else's help. "I don't want to blame them, but I do. I can't help it, I just do."

Someone else would have consoled you. They would have assured you that feeling this way was natural, and that no one could blame you for feeling what you do, but that isn't who you two are. "Jeff wouldn't."

His name is like a dagger to your heart. You practically wince as Hotch digs further. "That team was his family, just like we are yours. He wouldn't blame them, not for this. Not for something he chose."

Something he chose. This is why you don't let yourself remember that day. This is why you kept that day - the day you got that horrible call - locked up inside your brain, where not even you could reach it. Because if you let yourself think about it and remember, then you will remember that it wasn't really Cramer or his unit or the bureau that you blamed. It was him.

For choosing to miss his pick-up. For choosing to go undercover. For choosing to join organized crime.

You take a deep breath and re-adjust yourself in the uncomfortable chair Hotch refuses to replace, even though it's literally splitting at the seams. Something about your tax dollars hard at work. "What are you going to do about Baker?"

He lets you change the subject. "We have to contact Agent Cramer before-

"What the hell is wrong with you people?"

Speak of the devil and he shall appear.

"Sorry?" Hotch frowns, both of you standing up immediately.

Cramer doesn't take his eyes off Hotch as he seethes with anger. "I told you, this is my case! You ran my agent through IBIS?"

"Because I wanted to know who he worked for and now that I do, I'd like to talk to him."

"You don't have him?"

You can hear your heartbeat in your skull.

Hotch looks at you then, and finally Cramer notices your presence. "Y/N...it's been a while."

Your lips press into a thin line. "Almost two years." The anger you've been trying to avoid seeps into your voice against your will and you sigh, returning to the investigation. "How long has Baker been missing?"

"About 12 hours."

"You think he ran?" you ask, watching Cramer closely as his jaw ticks.

"No, Jimmy's too experienced to run without contact."

He realizes his misstep immediately and his shoulders fall. To his credit, he doesn't break eye contact, even as his expression softens. "That's not what I meant. All I'm saying is that I think someone's keeping Jimmy from calling in."

You can feel Aaron looking at you, but you avoid his line of sight. If you're going to have to interact with organized crime, you might as well make yourself useful. "We all want the same thing, Cramer: to get Baker back to his family."

You wait outside as he explains the situation in more detail to Hotch and Gideon, and you're surprised when he's the first to leave. "Can we talk?"

Hotch comes out behind him and raises his eyebrow for a fraction of a second, a check-in. Swallowing thickly, you nod your head and follow him down the hall to the top of the stairs.

"I'm sorry I haven't reached out recently," he says as soon as you're out of earshot of the others. "You know Jeff was one of our top guys."

Your eyes shut at his name, as though someone clapped their hands too close to your face. It's almost laughable how sure you were that you were past your grief. You passed the bureau's psych evaluation after your six month leave with flying colors (because your team practically wrote the answers yourselves), and as each new day passed and you weren't so debilitated by just the thought of him, you thought it meant you were fine. Because time heals all wounds. At least it's supposed to.

"I know," you whisper scratchily, before clearing your throat. "I know that. And it's okay. We've all been busy." You look down at the bustling bullpen where his agents are interacting with your team. "Clearly."

Then you remember you're job here in the first place. "We really are just trying to help. It wouldn't hurt to keep us involved."

Cramer sighs and you know he won't refuse. "We'll loop you in."

***

James Baker is found and Vincent Perotta gets taken into custody, but you can still hear the end of the interrogation ringing in your ears.

"You were just responding to what you learned, Vincent.

When you grow up in an environment like that, an extremely abusive and violent household... it's not surprising that some people grow up to become killers.

And some people grow up to catch them."

You can't pinpoint exactly what you're feeling, but if you had to guess, it would be sorrow. Sorrow for that little boy who got dealt the worst hand you can imagine, and still turned into the best version of who he could've been.

Hotch can't get the interrogation out of his mind either. He had grabbed his briefcase and headed out to the elevators as soon as Perotta was taken away, in the hopes of avoiding everybody. He's about to let out his breath when a hand reaches between the doors and sends them flying open again.

Normally your appearance is a welcome sight, but tonight, he's had enough talking. Perotta took everything he had to give, and then some, and he doesn't know if he has the strength to go through the proceedings again with you.

"I just want to get home," he says as you stand next to him without a word and face the doors. To my family.

You don't say anything as the little fluorescent floor number ticks down - has it always been this slow - and he feels his nerves tighten with agitation. You're never silent, especially not about something like this.

Just before the elevator reaches the second floor, you reach forward and pull the emergency stop button. He whispers your name, half irritated half relieved, and you step in front of him, focusing your eyes on his. It's a classic profiler technique, both to mentally establish trust and to physically block him from the keypad.

"You're a great father, Aaron."

His mind flashes back 25 years, but he squeezes the hand in his pocket into a fist to keep himself from succumbing to the memories. "I'm trying."

He knows what you're doing, and he would normally be open to a healthy exchange between two adults, but tonight he just can't. It's too fresh.

You seem to understand at least a fraction of what he's trying to convey. Your next words are gentle. "That already makes you a thousand times better than him."

That almost makes him smile. "You can say his name, you know."

You shrug, looking at him with a glint in your eye. "Honestly, I don't think I can. I'm afraid I'll turn into a pile of ash, with the fury your father instills in me."

That's what gets him. He coughs out a laugh that echoes around the elevator, and you return to his side, giving him a moment to breathe on his own.

This time, when his mind spirals back to his childhood, he's not as equipped to block it. The memories come in flashes, a blackening bruise on his abdomen, a split lip explained away through roughhousing in the backyard, the thin scars on his hands and elbows as he finally started to fight back. He would've taken it all forever if he had to, if it meant that he could keep the horrors away from the people he loved. "I really should go."

"Yeah." You push the emergency stop back into place and the elevator hits the ground floor in no time. "I'll see you tomorrow, Hotch."

He steps out, half expecting you to follow him. Instead, the doors close and he's by himself again, and he suddenly can't remember why he wanted to be alone in the first place.

***

When the Keystone Killer is finally caught after 18 years of inactivity, he finds himself expecting for there to be some sort of celebration, either in the form of a commendation, or a much-needed break. Instead, what he gets is a mountain of paperwork.

He usually doesn't mind the paperwork that comes after a long case. It's a helpful way for him to sort through his thoughts on what went down, and to learn from mistakes that were made along the way, whether in the profile or in the capture of the unsub.

Lately, paperwork has felt like an added torture to the long hours he already spends at work. It's not that he wasn't excited about going home before, but ever since Jack was born, he hasn't been able to get out of the office fast enough. But being the unit chief of the BAU has its responsibilities, and this is one of them.

He's drowning in consultation files and case reports when you knock on his door, two coffees in hand.

"Thought that was you," he says, finishing the sentence he was writing.

You frown, setting one steaming cup down on his desk. He hasn't even looked up yet. "How'd you know? Or do you just say that to everyone who walks in here?"

His lip twitches and he puts his pen down. "I could smell the coffee. It always smells the same when you make it."

"Oh?" You weren't aware you had a method. "And how's that?"

"Burnt."

You take the lid off your cup and chuck it at him with surprising accuracy. It would have thwacked him in the forehead if he hadn't swatted it aside with his stupid catlike reflexes.

"What are you working on?" you ask after taking a scalding sip of perfectly brewed coffee.

He looks up for a beat before diving back into the file he was skimming. "Paperwork for the Keystone Killer case."

"But we just finished that," you point out before reaching forward and taking the file out from under his nose.

He huffs. "I was...looking at that."

"This is a report on what happened a couple of hours ago," you say, ignoring his remark. "You can easily do this tomorrow, or later this week."

"It's fresh in my mind now. I don't want to forget any details."

You shrug in a motion that says 'fair enough'. "Or, you could actually go home before midnight for once."

You slide another file off the top of his pile and flip it open, reading over the notes Hotch has scribbled in the margins. He's so meticulous about his job that you almost forget he was promoted just a little over a year ago. He became unit chief at the same time that you joined the team, so you didn't get to see him in his early days, but looking at him now, you almost can't imagine it. It's like he's built for this, for taking responsibility and leading people with kindness and respect.

"Elle said something on the plane today," he says suddenly, jerking you from your thoughts.

You close the file and look up as he runs a hand over his head, pushing his thick hair back just for it to bounce forward again. "She said that she's scared she's going to look up and see that her life has passed her by while she was chasing monsters."

Something cold runs through your veins and you sit up straighter in your chair. "And what did you say?"

"I told her the truth."

You smile in an effort to keep your eyes from shining. "What, that we're all doomed?"

He looks at you candidly. "That this job will eat you up if you let it." Your smile falls and he continues. "You just can't let it."

"I'm sure Elle loved hearing that."

He shrugs. "She was surprisingly receptive."

That gets a laugh out of you, even if the good humor doesn't last long. "I don't know how you do it."

"Do what?"

"This job, while also being a husband, and a father." You sigh, and you can almost feel the weight of the air as it leaves your body. "When I go home, I don't have to be anything to anyone. Most of the time it feels awful, but sometimes, after an especially bad case, I'm almost relieved when I can go home and just check out."

You aren't talking about him anymore, and he can tell. He doesn't mind, if this is what it will take for you to work through your emotions.

"We were gonna start trying for a baby."

That surprises him. Not that you wanted to be a mother - he knows that - but that he didn't know you were already thinking about it, especially because of how you grew up. You don't talk about it often, but after losing your mother to a drunk driver when you were ten, you almost transformed into her, becoming the emotional support for your family when there was no one else to fill that role.

You press your lips into a thin line and take a deep breath, your coffee cold and forgotten on the desk in front of you. "We had been talking about it for years, but with the paths our careers were taking, there just wasn't enough time before then." Your eyes look far away, and you don't seem to notice that your lips have unconsciously curved up into a reminiscent smile. "Jeff wanted five kids. Five. God, can you imagine?"

He can, but he doesn't say anything, because he knows you aren't looking for a response. Just for someone to listen.

"I'm an only child," you say with a laugh. "I don't even know what it's like to have one sibling, let alone four." But Jeff had come from a huge family, and he had wanted you to experience that. He loved how full his home always felt growing up, never without someone to talk to. Now you won't ever get to experience that. "I guess I just wish sometimes that we had tried earlier."

"You'll have it someday," Hotch says simply, practically reading your mind. "If that's what you want, you'll have it."

"I waited so long," you whisper, closing your eyes for a long moment. "I was just so afraid that I wouldn't do it right, because I didn't have my mother anymore to help me."

"You would've been a great mother," he assures you, his voice confident. "One day, you will be."

Your breath comes out like a gasp and you clear your throat to keep the tears at bay. "How do you know?"

"I just know."

***

When you push through the doors to the bullpen the next morning, you are greeted by a familiar head of blonde hair.

"Sean?"

He turns around slowly, clearly recognizing your voice, and pulls his lips up into a smile that you return. "Hey, Y/N, how's it going?"

You weren't close to him as a kid, mostly because of the age gap between him and Hotch. You had tried to make more of an effort after graduating college, but Sean was fierce in his convictions, and there were a lot of things he didn't understand about his childhood that you certainly weren't going to explain to him now.

"Good, good," you say, leading him away from the throng of staring women. You shoot them a look that makes them disperse. "You here for your brother? He's upstairs."

He nods, glancing up at the closed office door. You start to lead him to the stairwell when he stops in his tracks and turns to you. "What mood's he in?"

"Why?" you ask, your brow furrowing. "You got bad news? Nothing I need to worry about, I hope."

Sean shakes his head, glancing up at the closed door again. "Nothing like that. I'll just go up."

You let him walk up on his own, knowing he doesn't want you getting involved in whatever he's thinking about. Before you have a moment to catch your breath, the three women return to your side.

"That's Hotch's brother?" Penelope asks, standing so close you can feel her breath on your ear.

"Maybe Hotch is adopted."

"What do you mean?" you ask, unconsciously glancing up the stairs. "They're honestly pretty similar." You're only half joking. They don't look anything alike, but that Hotchner brand of righteousness runs deep.

JJ frowns. "I don't see it."

"Yeah, he looks...like that," Penelope murmurs, before looking at you. "Did you know him when you were younger? Was he hot then too?"

You choke on your own spit. "He was nine years old when I left for college, so...no."

Her eyes widen and she lifts her hands in surrender.

"Ooh, here he comes."

You look up to see Sean storming down the stairs, Hotch hot on his heels.

"Sean, listen to me."

He turns so fast, you're afraid they're going to crash into each other. "Don't profile me, Aaron."

Sean stomps out of the bullpen while Hotch watches him leave, and you can't get the striking feeling of deja vu out of your head. Two boys, 15 years younger than they are now, standing in the same positions, with the same looks on their faces.

You imagine that you and Hotch probably act the same way around each other as when you first met, at eight years old.

The memory comes easily, even with more than two decades of time standing in the way. The little boy with dark hair who had sat next to you on the school bus, just because there were no other empty seats available that day.

You hadn't said anything for the first few stops, just watched him out of the corner of your eye as he nodded his head unconsciously to the music coming out of his large headphones. Eventually, curiosity got the better of you and you tapped on his shoulder. "What are you listening to?"

He had taken his headphones off quickly, as though caught in the act. "What?"

You repeated your question before leveling him with a pointed stare that meant 'there is a correct answer'. You were a feisty kid, and you weren't always the best at making first impressions, so his steady response impressed you. "Beatles. Revolver album."

"I love that one!" you had gushed, leaning in closer without a warning to press your ear to one of the speakers on his headphones. "Is this Yellow Submarine?"

He had nodded, the confusion in his eyes slowly transforming into delight. "You know their stuff?"

"Of course. My favorite's Eleanor Rigby."

He had frowned then. "That one's too sad."

You weren't surprised by his opinion. You had yet to find a boy your age who could appreciate serious music, but liking The Beatles was a start, at least.

"I'm Y/N," you had said, extending your hand like you were starting a business meeting.

He shook your hand furtively. "Aaron."

"Maybe I'll see you around."

The school bus had stopped at your street then, and you had gotten up without another word to this boy, who would one day become your best friend in the world.

Luckily, the next day, Aaron chose to sit next to you again, this time with a second pair of headphones to attach to his compact cassette deck. Two days turned to three, and before long, you had a new friend.

***

"I can't imagine what two weeks away from this place is gonna feel like," you sigh, packing some essentials into your bag and snapping it shut. "I might actually miss you guys."

"Not me," Morgan grins, before pressing a kiss to your cheek as he zips around you. "Two weeks of pure heaven with nothing but young, beautiful adults looking to make vacation memories."

"Your friend's resort better be as nice as you say it is," Elle says sternly as she wiggles her finger at Derek, who is busy inviting Reid to join their vacation.

"Thanks, but I'm going home," he says quickly, without looking at any of you. "Have a good one, guys."

"I'll head out too," you announce, grabbing your things and following him to the elevators. "Wait up, Spence."

He doesn't seem to hear you, but you slip through the doors just before they close. "You okay?"

"Huh?" he says, finally looking up. "Oh, yeah. I'm just not looking forward to the Nevada heat."

You can tell he's lying, but you don't want to press him right before the long break. "You can always call me if you need anything. Seriously."

"Yeah," he nods. "I know."

You wave goodbye to him in the parking lot, and you're back in the silence of your home by the end of the hour.

The rest of your day is spent lazing around the house, and you're asleep when you hear a knock at your door. After Jeff's death, you started keeping your gun in your nightstand, more out of a general sense of security than any specific acute fear, but its proximity during late night calls has given you the peace of mind you needed to finally sleep through the night.

Lifting it from the drawer, you hold it behind your back as you tiptoe to your front door and look through the peephole. When you don't see anyone, you carefully pull the door open, only to find a small packet sitting on your welcome mat with your name scrawled on the top.

After bringing it inside the house and locking the door again, you pry open the seal and extract a large piece of paper covered in a series of numbers and dots.

That's when the phone rings.

***

"How's it going?" you ask Reid and Morgan as you enter the conference room where all of the Fisher King's clues have been laid out. Neither of them have taken their eyes off the paper you brought in since you tacked it up on the board.

As expected, Reid doesn't look up. "The answer to what book we need has to be in here."

"Yeah," Derek sighs, glancing over at you, "but we sure as hell can't see it."

"Yet."

You look at the numbers again, hoping that your short walk to the coffee station and back would have been enough to unlock something new in your brain. Nothing. "The answer has to be based on specific details of each person's clue." A small sound turns your attention to the couch, where Elle is lying on her side. "Is Elle asleep?"

"I'm awake!" she starts, sitting up lethargically.

At the outburst, Hotch walks into the room and points at her bags. "I'm sending you home. You need to get some rest."

"No-"

"We won't do anything without you, I promise."

"Elle, seriously, we're not any closer than we were."

She nods, her lack of sleep seeming to dawn on her as she yawns again.

"Anderson," Hotch calls out, before you stop him. "What is it?"

"I can take her home," you suggest, looking over your shoulder as she lugs her bags down the hall with bleary eyes. He looks like he wants to protest, so you speak up before he has the chance. "She barely knows Anderson. I'll make sure she's settled, and then you can send him to watch her house, so I can come back here."

"I don't know if that's a good idea," he sighs, his eyes still trained on Elle's silhouette lingering by the elevator. "We may need you here."

You cock your head at Reid and Morgan, who have been sitting in the same positions for so long, you're surprised their necks haven't locked. "It's like they said. We haven't made any progress in over an hour. I'm not helping here."

He still looks unsure, but you know it's just worry. He'll always worry about you. "Okay, go. Call me in an hour to check-in."

You dip your head in a nod and jog through the bullpen to catch Elle as she's heading out.

"So you're my bodyguard, huh?"

You laugh, pressing the button for the ground floor. "Something like that."

"Good," Elle says, trying and failing to stifle a yawn, "you're much more fun than Anderson."

"Prettier, too."

The car ride to her house starts off silent, but eventually you break your internal promise to let her come to you. "How are you feeling after last night?"

She just shrugs. "It was more annoying than anything. I'm just glad I got to enjoy at least some of my vacation."

"I heard there was blood all over your room," you point out lightly, trying to broach the subject in a delicate manner. "That can't have been fun to wake up to."

"It was all on the outside. That's part of why they weren't able to hold me. That, and Hotch's lawyer chops."

You raise an eyebrow, glancing over at her as you pull over to the sidewalk. "His lawyer chops?" You know he used to be a prosecutor before joining the bureau, but you never got to see his skills in action.

"Yeah," Elle gushes, her face brightening considerably, "you should have seen the way he walked in there. Those beat cops had no idea what hit 'em. He was in full prosecutor mode, went all rainmaker on them until they released me."

You can imagine it. If any of you were in trouble, he wouldn't let anything get between him and your safety. "I wish I could've seen that."

When you put the car in park, you help Elle with her bags and walk her up to her door, where she insists that she'll be fine on her own.

"I promised I would wait with you until another agent could come and relieve me," you emphasize, instinctively scanning the vicinity around her home as she walks inside and drops her things on the floor.

"In about thirty seconds, I'll be passed out on this couch right here," she points at the window seat behind her, "so you'll just be watching me sleep for an hour."

You open your mouth to argue but she cuts you off. "Y/N, I'll be fine."

If there's one word to describe Elle, it's stubborn, so you let her shut the door behind her and you walk back to your car. Even if she won't let you sit with her inside, you still can't bring yourself to start the ignition, so you lean your seat back halfway and close your eyes, just for a few moments.

You haven't gotten much sleep either, and you're about to doze off when you hear a loud thud from outside the car. Jerking up, you undo the clasp of your holster and push open the car door. The world is silent, except for the rustling of leaves in the wind, but you start making your way up the drive, just to be sure. There's another thud, quieter this time, and you reach for your sidearm as you ascend her porch steps. Then comes a gunshot.

You start running.

[seraphtrevs]

The return of BCS color theory!

I've previously argued that Jimmy's color is all of them, and I stand by that. But out of all of them, yellow is the most prominent.

The two most obvious yellows associated with Jimmy are his iconic Esteem and the mug Kim gifted him, both of which have a touch of criminal red.

The Wexler/McGill logo is a mix of Jimmy's yellow and Kim's blue (notice how the office is mostly yellow, because this is Jimmy's dream, not hers.)

So why yellow? Well, it's loud, it's bright, it catches the eye. Jimmy loves to be noticed. But most importantly - it's not red or blue. It's the other primary color! Because in the beginning, Jimmy's not quite criminal red, and not quite lawful blue. He's in his own category.

In 1x01, there's yellow lighting in Jimmy's office (his attempt to play it straight), but there's also yellow when he reveals his Slippin' Jimmy past (notice the blues there, too, as his natural yellow crowds out his lawful aspirations).

What does it mean? I think it means that Jimmy's colorful approach to the law is not inherently criminal. If it was, he'd be red. The implication is that Jimmy could have made it as a legitimate lawyer while still being himself.

And to prove it, here are some shots from 1x05, when he visits Mrs. Strauss for the first time. Everything in her house is yellow - the walls, her furniture, even her teapot (although she herself is dressed in lawful blue.)

Jimmy the Elder Law Lawyer was perfectly in tune both with his natural colorful nature (his slippin' ways were what uncovered the financial abuse of the Sandpiper residents) and the law. He couldn't cut it in the stifling halls of HHM or Davis & Main. But he could have struck his own path and been happy. In a kinder universe, maybe he did. Alas. :(

[wroteclassicaly]

Nancy decided she didn’t want Steve. And now that she’s been away from Jonathan, has seen the growth Steve had to go through from everything he experienced (trauma, torture, being cheated on, thrown into the upside down shit, not to mention what he was going through before all of that, etc), he’s suddenly worthy of still being in love with? Don’t mess me with that shit, sis. Steve was never a bad boyfriend, nor was he a bad person. Before I started the show I expected some MAJOR douchebag that fucked his gf and then left her when he got what he wanted. Man’s only downfall was calling Jonathan names and being an asshole to other people (not counting him breaking Jonathan’s camera. He deserved it for taking those pics of Nancy and y’all know it).

He approached Nancy the very next day after he took her virginity to check on her. He constantly apologized when it wasn’t his fault. He only lashed out when he was hurt (rightfully so), and when he realized what nasty people Carol and Tommy were — he ditched them. Could he have handled Barb’s death better — sure. But he was also dealing with it, probably confused and pushing it down, and he tried to make things seem normal for Nancy’s sake, and for his own.

This shit of Nancy being jealous of Robin was so ignorant that I almost puked. And this was before I even finished the series. I knew I didn’t like Stancy when I watched the first two episodes (4x09 and 1x01). Nancy has to claim over Steve. Their individual growths should NOT be entwined. If you look at the inconsistency in trying to resurrect that ship, it almost seems like the D bros hate Nancy and Steve.

Their reunion will undo so much shit, and in my opinion, will destroy them. Not to mention that Steve will probably sacrifice himself in the name of Nancy and her future (avoiding the white picket fence garbage she didn’t want, whilst still getting their Stancy resurrection). They stripped Steve of his goals, his aspirations, they made him seem like he couldn’t date anyone, degraded him, swept his trauma under the rug, made him the butt of everyone joke, made it seem as if he’s uneducated and ignorant. It breaks my heart how mistreated Steve is, and by trying to force him and Nancy back together — that is the biggest injustice that can be done towards them both, but mainly to him.

Steve deserves to find himself, to find his interests, to process his trauma, to find someone that he loves beyond nostalgia, that won’t come back to him after she’s already grown and realizes that this changed version is good enough.

Nancy deserves more than that.

But Steve Harrington deserves it all.

Joe Keery is the reason Steve was kept around, and I feel like this is just awful to do to the work he’s put in at making Steve the heart of this group of characters. ❤️🥺

[thethiefandtheairbender]

as a lifelong ATLA fan who narrowly had ATLA dethroned as my top show by The Dragon Prince steadily over the past 5 years, the similarities between the two have very little to do with the surface level parallels that get regularly drawn between them.

Like ATLA, TDP has Books for seasons and chapters for episodes, but unlike ATLA, which only touched on storytelling sparingly as a theme, TDP is obsessed with interrogating storytelling and history and the presence of unreliable, biased narrators throughout many of its episodes (most notably 2x05, 2x06, 3x06, 4x04, and 4x07 among them). Half of what you learn in the 1x01 intro ends up being a lie once you reach S3, with more being steadily deciphered.

Yes, TDP has different magics with people living under those umbrella terms... for the elves. Humans are coming culturally at things from a completely different angle, and the elves' connection to their primal sources are discussed philosophically in detail, informing their practices and their culture first hand, including the way they chafe against humans, who are arcanum-less. Many animals in the world are also connected to magic, which influences both their design and which ones get hunted for humans' more 'clever' solution in dark magic, including each other.

The core issue of the Puppetmaster, down to being a coercive magic formed by someone deeply resentful of their imprisonment? Said puppetmaster is the main endgame antagonist of the entire show with all of S4 onwards being exploring the ethics of controlling people against their will in various methods, and the entire show itself being a thematic battleground of fate (imprisonment) vs free will for virtually every single character.

Where ATLA mostly concerns itself timeline wise with ending the war, very little thought is shown by any of the characters as to what they'll do after the war. This isn't a problem (as it reflects the sheer domineering scope of the conflict) but even Zuko being firelord is only ever really addressed with 2.5 episodes left till the finale. TDP, meanwhile, ends its 'war' in s3 and s4 opens up with dealing with the old wounds festering between people with centuries of history, the struggles that come when people aren't able to let go and believe they're safe or mourn in a healthy manner, and the religious/cultural clashes that may occur when trying to integrate different groups of people.

TDP also has an evil father with a devoted daughter and a brother who eventually defects, but it explores the reality of an abusive parent who loves/will sacrifice for you and your right to leave regardless, even if that means leaving the sibling you truly deeply love and who loves you in turn. Which means that when you and your sibling are on opposite sides of a deep ideological conflict, it actually really fucking hurts bc we've seen first hand just how much they love each other and also how and why everything fell apart not in spite of that love necessarily, but also because of it.

Is this to say that TDP is a 1:1 with ATLA or that it's better? No, not at all, and the latter is subjective. I prefer TDP, but I think they're about on equal ground when you look at each show currently as a whole (although TDP has two seasons left to go).

But TDP takes a lot of what ATLA was doing thematically with some of its most interesting beats and then builds or expands upon them further. It talks further and more consistently about the cycles of violence; in many ways, Jack De Sena's character, Callum, begins the series largely where Sokka had ended (and he's not the most like Sokka anyway; very much his own thing); we get Faustian bargains and centuries' long grief and fucked up people who are trying both succeeding and failing at not doing fucked up things. There are antagonists, but it is very hard to actually label anyone at this point a straight up villain. Moral greyness is where the show starts, and it just continues from there.

That's not to say the show is nothing but dark and depressing - like ATLA, there's a steady thread of hope and humour even as the show gets steadily closer and closer to its 11th hour point - but the show is usually emotionally heavier. There's more blood and potentially disturbing imagery with body horror and on screen death. There's so much foreshadowing you basically can't go more than 5 minutes into any episode without having something that's going to come back around or be referenced again like 3-5 seasons later.

Just to be clear - TDP is like ATLA, but it's like ATLA in interesting ways beyond the more shallow surface level that usually gets attributed to it, while still very much being its own show and its own thing. And that is why I tend to recommend it to people who like ATLA.

Thank you and goodnight

(Also, the fandom doesn't have any ship wars, and the show is queer as fuck)

[blueiight]

ldpdl, ethnicity, and the false monolith of blackness

there's this false tendency to think amc louis being made black is pandering, or a means of removing louis from his oh-so-detailed /sarcasm/ background in the books. i also find that people tend to not even understand what show louis's ethnic background is, despite rolin jones the showrunner and even the fictional louis both coalescing around this multigenerational explanation of the gens de couleur in new orleans, and how jim crow disempowered them.

I came around to his ethnicity a sort of interesting way which is through Lestat. [ … ] I was like lets give him a legitimate a third attempt at figuring how to be with somebody for the rest of his life and how to not repeat your mistakes. [ … ] I started from there so it had to be someone with some money cause he had to be with his own folks and I thought he wanted someone who could fight back and who could be a challenge and would force him to restrain himself. And nobody at AMC was interested in 7 seasons of the regretful plantation owner, so we made Louis come from a lineage that did have a plantation and did own slaves.

rolin jones in the s1 post-finale episode of the podcast names how he came to this understanding of louis's character. lestat, after failing to make a bride of his mother, and a concubine of nicki, was seeking for someone of a similar background, or the most approximate equivalent. he would not have been interested in louis if louis was an anglophone baptist black man descended from upper-south arrivals into new orleans, nor would he have been interested in louis if louis was a poor black creole honestly s1 does not give a good reading of claudia's ethnic bg in new orleans, but since she cannot understand french, we can presume shes either a poor creole removed from her cultural background with her vampiric adoption narrative in mind, or was also of an anglophone baptist black background like claudia was. louis coming from this fallen sort of gentry, the free gens de couleur, similar to that of the tvl lestat who came from this barren aristocracy dating back to the crusades, was key to lestat's long-term goals with louis.

Capital accrued from plantations of sugar and the blood of men who looked like my great grandfather but did not have his standing. But then decades of Jim Crow and the electrified light of a new century had vanquished any idea of a free man of color. - AMC IWTV 1x01

louis was of the first generations of the gens de couleur to be born, raised into, and face the institutional and personal ramifications of being viewed as black in america. this fuels much of the character's rage as he moves through storyville, trying to continue the similar modality of exploitation to the contrary of pretty baby with brooke shields, majority of the brothel circuit was statistically black girls + women being sexually pawned off to white men but ultimately failing to do so bc of the anglophone white american class that now rules over him. [tom anderson, alderman fenwick, finn o’shea starting out as louis’s subordinate then ending w/ him entering whiteness by having a sporting house throwing torches at louis’s brothel in s1e3]

By 1850, the free population of color, beset by the hostility of white supremacy, was economically diminished and residentially segregated. The Americanization of Louisiana, and in particular New Orleans, was completed before the state became the sixth to secede from the Union in 1861 in the struggle over the perpetuation of slavery. [link] The Democratic redeemers who came to power in 1877 lost no time in redefining the Negro's "place" in Louisiana life. They immediately restored the color line in the New Orleans public schools and offered silent support to de facto segregation practices in places of public accommodation. With the assistance of two landmark decisions by the United States Supreme Court, the redeemers soon dismantled the egalitarian legal apparatus put together piece by piece under the Radicals. Finally in 1890 they began to write their "final solution" into Louisiana law with a series of "separate but equal" statutes. Soon New Orleans Negroes were again segregated in virtually every public pursuit. [link]

[raayllum]

ALRIGHT, time to talk about the poster in lovely HD.

First things first, I want to talk about these two ladies (?). The upper one closer to the moon looks more like an elf, and is gazing down at the second, closer woman. I've seen people speculate Ziard due to the hair, but none of this usual clothing appendages are there, so I lean towards a new character, and possibly being the human Aaravos had a special connection to. We see what looks like the arches of the Moon Nexus framed behind them, which was the case both when Rayla went through the portal in TTM and when Lujanne used historia viventum to show Callum the way things looked before. Souls of hate and love, maybe?

We see other Moon symbols throughout the posture sure as archangel lunarises, which seek out Moon magic (1x01) and can be used in illusion spells (2x03, 3x09). We also see the enchanted lotuses from 3x03, though for what purpose is unclear (more on that later).

Moving down, we have a fully celestial, quite happy Aaravos. He's in full flourish and clearly using Moon magic for someone, as begetting the moon behind him, though whether he's constructing lotuses or channeling energy into his Key (perhaps making it able to sense Moon magic) is unknown. While the lotuses in 3x03 were occasionally different colours, the deep purple here makes me think of dark magic. If he is channeling his cube, perhaps he's taking moon energy from the lotuses (or moths) surrounding him to put inside.

I don't think I need to scream much further than I already have about the Moon rune glowing on his Key and having it displayed with his usual star symbol (rune cube foreshadowing symbolism my beloved). This bodes well for theories in which 1) Callum goes too far and does something knowingly risky to free the Moon fam for Rayla's sake or 2) does something risky to help Aaravos to protect Rayla's life, each subsequently to being possessed and/or playing into Aaravos' hands. Thank you goodnight.

Then we have the book, which is deeply fascinating. It seems like a very Moon book, the fragments framing it similar to the ones we see on the lotuses and possibly evoking one of the archangel lunaris' flying around. It wouldn't surprise me if the book contains a variant of Deep moon magic of some kind, whatever that would look like. The crescent curved moon is also similar to the symbol we see on Aaravos' poem page for the Midnight Star in show (2x08). I do wonder why each side of the book looks so different though, with no actual visible moon in sight besides the tiny gemstones and the crescent moon, the other side being entirely dark (which, to be fair, is pretty moon-y).

We also sort of but don't quite see Aaravos' famous chest piece, though it is a-glowing. Whether it glowed all the time pre-Fall we just don't know, as the only time we've seen it glow/be filled in is 2x09 when he's channeling magic through Viren, but who knows. It does mean that the cube is even older than his banishment and that if it does hold his chest piece, it was placed after (if it's tangible at all, which has always been one of the biggest questions).

This is perhaps the weirdest thing that I am the most interested in, as alongside his crown and bangles, this is the biggest design difference between Aaravos in-show and out. In show, both in his mirror and even 'pre-Fall' (aka the timeline for the 1x01 shot is probably a lie anyway), Aaravos' hip thingy is a lot more simplistic.

However, Aaravos does have all his flowery (and I mean that literally, it looks like petals) adornment in his concept art.

The fact they have a lotus flower flair to them always felt interesting but ultimately like a coincidence, but perhaps not. Either way as pictured below, it seems like he's either constructing or dismantling the lotuses, which is Eyes Emoji either way.

The most... surely metaphorical / abstract portion of the poster, though, is I'd imagine the very bottom. I hesitate to read into things too literally (one of the S5 posters had Finnegrin's ship being blasted with lightning and Domina watching the waves, and while she featured in the season and played a role in Finnegrin's aims, the scene itself as portrayed did not come fully to fruition) so I'm gonna go with a more symbolic read, just as as disclaimer.

Lastly we have these two figures. I'm assuming the one in white is an elf and betting on young Aaravos or Leola, though it could be someone else connected to the Moon arcanum (the elven daughter who vouched for exiling rather than eliminating humanity?). The red and black shadow figure feels far more sinister (blood and stardust, anyone) but if you lighten the shadows, you get something even more... interesting, shall we say.

Rather than standing up straight, this figure almost seems to swoop down with a draconic like claw and a face that reminds me the most of Sir Sparklepuff's features, honestly, perhaps boasting a similar kind of blood (Viren's) and star (Aaravos) and dark magic (the staff?). It is also clearly moving toward the more humanoid figure on the bottom right, which gives a "corruption is reaching / coming for / offering things to you" sort of vibe.

[erikiara80]

Theory: the car crash in the winter of 1976 (Part II)

You can read Part I here

To sum up: my theory is that Joyce had a son with Lonnie, Jonathan, but then she left him because he's an a-hole. She always liked Hopper, so they finally got together and had two kids, Will and El. I think it's possible that the story of Agent Orange is true and maybe that's why Jopper's kids were targeted by Brenner ("Sarah" died in the lab, after all) But then, in 1976 something bad happened and Hopper and El were separated from their family (see Part I). Love this Father and daughter missing.

Not sure if Brenner was involved, but there are hints that Lonnie was. He's heavily paralleled to Billy's father, and in Billy's memory Neil believed that his wife was cheating on him. The first thing Lonnie asks Jon is if Hopper is still chief, and the moment he thinks that Will is dead, he "comes home", calls Joyce babe and tells her that she needs him. I think he didn't just want the money, he wanted his family back. And Will wasn't part of it.

A possible hint in The First Shadow that Lonnie did something to Joyce and her family is the mention of him stealing the baby from the nativity scene. Will has always been associated with Jesus...

It's also interesting, and could be evidence of different timelines, that Will is associated with fire but El is associated with cold water. Maybe Will died in the fire in one timeline, and in another one El drowned in a lake? Maybe they were both in danger but their parents could only save one of them. They both say many times that they can't breath, which is also a parallel with Sarah, so I think it's clear that something bad happened to both of them.

Did Will burn alive? I hope not but... In 3x08, when Joyce hugs him, he says that he can't breath, he's suffocating. In Fred's vision, he sees a coffin with the grandfather clock that has the name Williams engraved on it. And in 4x04 we see Billy/William's tombstone.

El sees Heather being dragged underwater, after Max opens "the floodgates" (Owens mentions them when he explains the anniversary of the event) If Billy is paralleled to Will, Heather is paralleled to El, so maybe this scene shows us what happened to El in the past.

The vanishing of Will Byers and The case of the missing lifeguard are connected.

And when she goes into Billy's memories, there's a transition from the car crash and El in the water. Car in a lake -> El separated from her family.

Hints that Lonnie might've been involved in the car crash

In Lonnie's very first scene, there's a little bike in his house, and Jon checks his trunk. Not a good sign.

After Joyce breaks the wall with the axe, the only thing she sees is her car. Possible hint that after the car crash one of the children was taken away from the family by powers. Time powers... Tears in the fabric of time and space...

That night, when Lonnie arrives, the first thing we see is his car headlights.

Then he closes "the door" that Will used to communicate with his mom, with a hammer. As he talks about the quarry and Joyce freezing to death.

In 2x06, after they bring Will to the lab, after he screams that he feels like he's burning (Hopper is screaming too, but they're using water! Always water and fire) there's a transition to Steve's car, and the song in this scene is Hammer to Fall. In 2x09 Jon mentions Lonnie and the hammer they used to build Castle Byers.

In S4 there's another connection between Lonnie, cars, time loops and the resentment between him and Joyce. When Jon says that the cycle never ends. We see part of the conversation through the broken window of a car.

Other hints

Billy and Max

They both have many parallels with Will, and most of their scenes together take place in the car. Billy's car is actually the first thing we see.

They always fight in that car.

Billy tries to run over the kids. This reminds me of the night Will vanishes

And the scene of Billy's possession IS a parallel to the 1x01 scene. He and Will both run off the road

In 3x07, Billy almost burns alive in his car

In S4, Max confesses that she had wished her brother to die in a car accident

In 2x05, Terry shows El a police car chase!

This scene is so important. I'm working on a new theory, but I'll just say that Terry (or whoever is communicating with El) isn't just randomly switching the channels. She's telling a story. Henry's story and how El got involved.

In fact, she shows El a blonde woman ("Virginia") then the Family Feud score: 91 and 64. Two tens. 10-> mirror of 01. A donut commercial with many identical donuts (ref to the lab kids), the commercial of a Computer Supercenter (the lab/Nina) and then a police chase and someone pouring coffe into a cup. I think this is a huge hint at a car crash that involved Hopper, and what happened after, the blood transfusion that made El a lab kid. I don't know why else Terry would show El a police car chase tbh. And then, in 2x07, Kali calls Hopper policeman, many times. A clear connection with the car chase, imo.

When El looks for the source in S3, the first thing she sees in the eye of the Mind Flayer storm is Billy's damaged car. Since Billy is paralleled to Will, this could mean that the source of everything that happened to their family started with a car crash and powers?

I'm also thinking about this shot in the Vecna game. It looks very similar to a shot in Benny's diner in S4. Jason in a white outfit, like Henry, Christmas lights, a police car, the W and E, and another car with something that looks a lot like the Mind Flayer, looming over it.

And don't forget Joyce and Hopper escaping from Grigori and the engine of the police car literally exploding. And where do they find another car? At a Seven Eleven convenience store, where they meet clerk Rich (like Richard Brenner?) Also, Alexei is with them. A guy in a white outfit, and with a name that is the russian variant of Alex, like Alex P. Keyton, one of the characters played by Michael J. Fox, mentioned by Steve when he and Robin talk about time travels in Back to the Future.

There are many other hints, but I think these ones are the most relevant.

[phrynefishersfrocks]

The eighth and final costume of "Unnatural Habits" (Season 2, Episode 12) is the triumphant return of Phryne's remarkable rooster kimono.

While it's impossible to tell which of her pajama sets Miss Fisher is wearing underneath, her rooster kimono serves as an elegant yet minimal outfit for her vulnerable talk with Jack late at night. The dressing gown itself is made of a black satin that serves as a backdrop to the intricate embroidery that adorn the shoulders and cover the back. A wide variety of threads paint a picture of a flowering tree branch going up from the hem of the kimono and reaching up to her shoulders, while two roosters battle it out in the air.

Essie Davis mentions the dressing gown specifically as her favorite item of clothing in both a video interview with Acorn TV as well as a written interview with NPR:

"I do have a favorite," she acknowledges. "Because I love the simplicity and the extraordinary detail of this beautiful black satin dressing gown that is in chinois embroidery, and on the back of it, are these two embroidered fighting cocks. And I think it is the most perfectly tongue-in-cheek piece of costume, and I love putting it on, 'cause I love the idea that there are fighting cocks." And then she cackles.

This is another item from costume designer Marion Boyce’s personal collection, and according to the Costume Exhibition Catalogue was “one of the last pieces that came out of China before they closed their trading borders in the 1920s”.

“I bought this years and years ago from a retro store, Gollyester in Los Angeles when I was doing Crocodile Dundee 3… it was the most beautiful thing I had seen. I’ve got a passion for Chinoiserie.” - Marion Boyce in the Series One Costume Exhibition Catalogue.

One of several robes designed for nightwear, this is certainly one of her most memorable ones, appearing in the very first episode, 1x01, and then showing up in 1x04, 1x06, 1x10, 2x08, before being bookended at the end of season two here.

Season 2, Episode 12 - "Unnatural Habits"

Screencaps from here, promotional photos from various sources (x, x, x, x), costume exhibition photos from Dayna's Blog and Bobbin & Baste.

[wigglebox]

NYCC The Winchesters - 1x01 screening, panel

Good morning/afternoon/evening people! 

So I had to take a break from art in order to write down my first impressions on things for the prequel pilot and the subsequent panel after. 

Note that I haven’t had any time to watch any interviews the folks did before the screening/panel, so this is just me writing what I experienced in ~*the room where it happened*~. The bulk will be behind a read more! 

** Note, I try to avoid mega spoilers but I do go into my impressions of the pilot and my emotions with it, AND I do outline the characters. I try not to get into the nitty gritty since y’all will mostly be seeing it tomorrow anyway, but if you don’t want even a HINT of a spoiler, just don’t read it lol. 

The tldr; I loved it, it has so much to expand on, and I can’t wait to start speculating with y’all again on something SPN based. 

—

I won’t lie, I was nervous.

Not because I didn’t think this show wouldn’t do a good job, because it’s made it this far — which is a lot considering the last two attempts at a spin-off were dead in the water. I was more or less nervous of the audience reception.

Living in one's own head as a Supernatural fan makes you and your goldfish bowl of friends in your Twitter GC and Discord servers, have a set of parameters of what makes a good Supernatural episode or not. But not everyone else shares those parameters that you have convinced yourself are right.

And I was nervous because, given those parameters, I had to keep reminding myself that this isn’t Supernatural. It is its own thing. It’s its own form, own show, with a connection to the main show. These are new characters, even if we knew the older versions of two of them already. Everything is still basically brand new.

My nerves came from a mixture of anticipation, fearing audience reception after the year and a half wait we had to think about this show, and not knowing if I or the audience can see this show as its own individual self and not just another Supernatural episode.

Suffice to say after like, the first five minutes those nerves were gone.

The Pilot

I’m going to get this out of the way before I continue. Pilots aren’t ever perfect. Even Supernatural’s pilot, which is a pilot that I consider to be top-tier, has some clunkiness. 

Pilots can drag, or pilots can speed — there’s rarely an inbetween. The Winchesters pilot seemed to be a little fast paced, trying to introduce the premise of the show a little too quick. The pacing of events and understanding and dialogue kind of felt like this should have been a two hour episode and not the 40 minute one we’re going to get. 

And, some of the dialogue, just like in its predecessor, was indeed clunky exposition. 

But I’m saying this as someone who yes, understands that’s what that was — but also someone who doesn’t take this into account when it comes to what makes a pilot successful. In fact, I never expect perfection in pilots. 

The Winchesters pilot has a lot riding on it. Not only is it the third attempt at a spin off, but it’s having to perform two duties where the original Supernatural pilot only had to do one.

The Winchesters pilot has to both grab old fans, and intrigue new ones. The original Supernatural pilot just had to attract new fans and build up a new world.

So, given that The Winchesters has to do a little extra work, and given that it’s a network pilot, a pilot in general — for me — the fast-paced nature of the episode doesn’t really affect it negatively for me. I expected it, and I’m sure others did as well.

A successful pilot for me is 1) am I interested in this world/characters 2) did you make me ask enough questions to come back next week?

And, The Winchesters scored on both of those accounts!

The episode opens up with its standard cold open where you mostly see a character you have no idea who they are, doing something that’s going to launch you into the next 45 minutes of adventure with the main characters. But, this cold open also has to launch us into the entire season. It’s the first-ever cold open for The Winchesters and it worked very well.

I’m not going to get too much into plot, to keep this spoiler free, however I will say in my head I described it as the Scooby Doo Avengers. When I say Scooby Doo I don’t mean campy, zoinks, goofy monsters of the week — but that there is this team, that is clearly already close, willing to do what it takes to figure something out. And... they have a van lol. 

In the group there is tension already from the get go, which I love. By group, I mean Lata [Latika but Lata is her nickname], Mary, and Carlos have already known each other.

Small spoiler, but at once point Lata tells, not asks, Mary “You’re still mad at me.” Carlos and Mary have tension and unresolved past things that they gotta talk about at some point probably. And John blends in with them rather effortlessly. I will say I’ll be keeping my eyes on John and Lata right now.

But all four of them had a chemistry that already worked. Not like “Oh we all love each other here, no problems at all!” kind of chemistry, but chemistry where you can tell that interactions aren’t being forced. Almost like they’ve been acting together for years by that point, even though they hadn’t.

That was another thing I enjoyed about this core four, the fact that they’re each their own characters but they’re also not standing out too much from each other. That they both don’t blend into each other, but also they’re not so over the top it feels like a caricature.

Here are my first impressions of the characters:

Lata is a book nerd, clearly the “brains” but she’s also rather timid, nervous about hunts, and finds her satisfying success when it comes to what she’s learned on the page rather than hunting down a monster. She’s softer-spoken, and I can see her being the more level-headed grounded one of the group. However, I can also see where her self doubt can get the better of her, and her fear, and given a conversation she has with Mary in the van — I have to wonder if something bad happened in the recent past that made her like this.

Mary is the kind of Mary I felt like we got with Sam Smith. Marching forward, doing what she has to do, almost “going through the motions” of being a Hunter. She already voices her desire to walk away from this, and it’s hinted in that conversation with Lata, something went wrong recently that caused a big upheaval in her life. But that’s kind of a plot point that can be saved for when you watch it Tuesday. Of all four of the characters, it felt like I knew Mary the most because we got later-seasons Mary for a hot second. However, you can see how Meg Donnelly brings her own understanding of the character to the table. I am so very interested to see where she goes throughout this series.

Carlos will be the problem child (affectionate). When the role was first cast, and you got his description, you saw JoJo getting cast, and then seeing him in the trailer, folks already pinged on him being the fandom favorite and I can see that. He’s sharp, witty, already has some one-liners, and I can easily see him causing but also solving problems for the group. One thing that gets me is that he comes across as almost stubborn, not willing to admit when he’s wrong, so I can imagine that comes back into play. That indication comes with a small conversation with Lata over something that happened in the past. It’s played off as a “ha ha,” but if you think about it deeper, you’re seeing someone who knows what he wants and likely will do what he has to do to get it. There are definitely two Alphas in this group, Carlos and Mary, and I can see them butting heads at some point.

And now we’re at John.

When this prequel was first leaked onto Deadline in June 2021, folks (save for myself and a few others that were on my timeline and Discord) immediately rocketed to their feet to voice their displeasure at John being a focal point.

Accusations of trying to twist the narrative and make excuses for John’s behavior in Supernatural-Prime (neglect, child abuse, etc.), or that the constant reminder that John and Mary’s love story was manufactured so how on earth could you have a story about it — or just the attitude in fandom that’s been in there since I’VE started, back in 2013, that John Winchester is an Asshole.

But, a few pointed out that indeed we don’t actually know anything about John aside from his father, Henry, “walking out” on him and his mother, and… that was it. The flashback episodes we had with Matt Cohen’s John were that of a story that we kinda already figured. “In the Beginning” was more about Mary and showing Dean how that deal was made, and “The Song Remains the Same” served as a lesson for Dean and Sam to understand that they “can’t escape fate” with their bloodline. 

Nothing’s really known about John at all, especially before 1973. 

That being said, I really have to spend this portion completely cheering Drake’s John on because holy moly. 

Drake has, and will continue to have, an uphill battle trying to get the most hardened Anti-John folk on board (a struggle Matt Cohen didn’t have to have as much I think). But, given the life that he’s brought to John in this pilot alone, I don’t think it’ll be too much of a struggle. 

I joked that with them casting Drake that “it’s almost like they want us to love and adore him” but I’m not even joking anymore. I adore him. 

Indeed, it’s important to note that this John is not the John we wind up with in the main show. And the cast and everyone involved knows that and have stated as such in interviews. They’re not erasing or rewriting anything. 

The truth, for me, is far more tragic:

The John in the pilot is likable with an almost puppy-like innocence, looking to get answers but also someone dealing with trauma himself as someone who went into the Vietnam War way too early and suffered the consequences of that. I won’t get into specifics, but there’s a touching moment when he’s describing what he saw and what happened to a dear friend and I almost cried. 

You have a kid, and yes I’m calling him a kid, suffering from this trauma in a way that you see twice in the episode, while also someone keeping his head held high while following orders and the motions from his new group of Scooby Doo hunters that he stumbled into. 

When asked how he found someone so fast, John remarks that’s what he does because he was in the Marines. So we get little glimpses of that. 

His ending moment after the final climax of the action was so adorable I wanted to squish his cheeks and yes, I know that’s weird, but he was so proud of himself. 

But, in my opinion, it also demonstrated something that I think may or may not come back — and that’s that he did what he did down there in the tomb almost a little too easily and without freaking out. And was excited to tell his new friends about it.

John in this show I think will become someone that even the most reluctant watchers may come to find they really like. 

And to me, that’s making him automatically, from episode one, one of the most tragic characters. 

Already in the pilot, I was mentally screaming for John to turn back, don’t investigate, don’t do any of this, because we know what’s waiting for him down this path.

I have to mentally make a line in the sand to separate Drake from Matt from JDM because there’s no way I can continue going with The Winchesters and not completely support and adore John and his efforts to understand the Men of Letters and also being with his friends.

With characters out of the way, I’ll mention we don’t get much with Ada or Millie, however I can’t wait to see more of them in the future and what they have to offer. Millie seemingly already knew about the Men of Letters and Ada — in my head when she was first announced as a character I saw her as a Bobby character, just the know it all that can be their “save us because we don’t know what else to do!” character. However it feels like she can, and likely will be, more than that. 

As for the plot of the episode, this is where my “Is a pilot successful” requirement is filled for “Are there enough questions to keep me coming back.”

The answer is, holy shit yes. 

Particularly two things, which I can’t wait to speculate on when the episode airs. One involves John and his letter with the Men of Letters star on it, and the other of who the big bad is for the entire season. I’m so excited to speculate with people on that.

But also, this hunters world in the 1970s is so different to me than what we were first introduced to in 2005. They don’t have cell phones, they don’t have GPS, they don’t have computers, they don’t have quick ways of communicating with each other. They will have a network, sure, but its the 70s. They also don’t have access to THEE Men of Letters bunker, at least for now, which holds a lot of information as well. 

So I have questions about those too. 

I didn’t want this show to just be about “hey let’s do a case study on John” and it doesn’t feel like it’s going to be that. I don’t mind that, but I also wanted this show to stand on its own.

And it’s clear that they’re looking at it in a way that will provide an actual story that can get folded back into Supernatural-Prime.

The Panel

After the pilot screening, there was a 30 minute panel with Danneel, Jensen, Meg, Drake, and Robbie and holy wow.

I wish I could convey to anyone reading this, especially anyone who had any doubts over anything, just how much this group cares. 

Like, it’s not even just in their words saying it, but you can feel it, and I wasn’t even in the front row. It was this like, almost electrical current in the air that could reach you and make you truly, fully, 100% understand that they’re not doing this just for kicks. 

They’re not just tossing aside whatever they want, that they’re not just doing this as a cash grab or anything — but that they’re a team of creatives that really truly wholly believe in this world that the main show created and wanted to explore that more. 

They do treat the existing material with respect, and that they’re not going to just throw all those 15 years of blood sweat and tears down the drain.

I remember in the months following the Deadline leak, folks online kept stamping their feet about canon this and canon that. We haven’t had much press until just recently about it therefore come comments that would be made at a Supernatural convention by Jackles from time to time would have to suffice, but still didn’t convince many.

I think at the time also, when the Deadline leak happened, a lot of opposition I saw came from younger fans, or newer fans, who started season 12 and onward (or even after the show ended) and didn’t quite understand just how monumental it was that Robbie was brought on board.

Robbie stopped writing for the show in season 11 and I wanted to take an informal survey of fandom asking them if they truly understood the word that he did. Some folks don’t pay attention to who writes what.

His episodes I find tend to be some of the most gif’ed episodes on Tumblr or most talked about episodes in general. Any one of his episodes you’d likely find up in any fan’s top 10 list. He’s given us Charlie, Eileen, and even had a hand in bringing Chuck back both in Fan Fiction and in Don’t Call Me Shurely.

For many folks who were in fandom before Andrew Dabb took over some time in season 11, Robbie was easily one of the top three writers for many people.

And there’s a good reason for that. Between writing snappy dialogue and getting characterizations down really well, he’s also seemingly a master at these unconventional episodes. He’s had more normal ones like Goodbye Stranger, 8x17, and First Born (9x11) among others, but he’s also done Baby, Girl with the Dungeons and Dragons Tattoo, LARP and the Real Girl, Bitten, Fan Fiction, Meta Fiction and the like.

He’s written episodes that were great for character showcasing while also having unconventional storytelling apparatuses as well. My favorite one of his episodes was Time After Time, 7x12.

Suffice it to say, them grabbing Robbie for this project really stood out to me, which is probably why when Deadline first leaked the project, I wasn’t upset. To me, if Robbie was involved, then that’s really all I needed to feel secure in knowing that whatever, or however, they were going to tell this story, he’ll have fun figuring it out.

And I can’t even begin to describe how much it really does come across how much Jackles cares. 

It’s very very easy for someone with that amount of talent to just peace out from a 15-year show that ended, a show that likely made taking other roles nearly impossible, and just go on to do bigger things. 

But the fact that he stuck around and that even before the show wrapped in Sept. 2020 (due to the pandemic) he was already starting on this? That means a lot to me. Like, no matter what he does, he seems to want to keep one hand on his roots and that can only benefit us because you don’t do that unless you really believe in it and care about it.

It’s also hilarious to me that in these press interviews, he’s basically being outed as THEE biggest SPN brain rot stan and, he’s not alone there. We have jackets, dude!

So yes, up on stage, with them answering questions and describing the process, how they’re viewing this — you can tell there’s a reverence they have for the material and understand truly how much time, energy, blood, sweat, tears, smiles, sadness, chaos had gone into the main show.

--

The pilot was good, it was something that would keep me interested with the characters they presented and the premise of the rest of the season to come. It established that we’re not in 2005-2020 anymore, it established a kind of big bad that we’re not used to seeing*, and it had enough easter eggs that satisfied my little Supernatural heart but not over doing it.

*This is something I can’t wait to speculate about.

On a personal note, I’ve been excited since that night, and had felt almost like I was in limbo for the last year and a half waiting for this moment and it was so satisfying seeing the pilot and understanding that my excitement and enthusiasm wasn’t misplaced in the slightest. 

I went into this with the question of “Will I be disappointed in all of this hype that I’ve helped build up for this, both in my head and outwardly?” And the screening and panel shot back: “Nah you’re good.” 

So I can’t wait to rewatch this Tuesday night, and then I can’t wait to watch it the following Tuesday, and again, and again. 

I’m excited for The Winchesters to grow its wings and fly! 

[bewilderedbuck]

Devi vs. David: aka a comprehensive list of every single time ben gross has referred to devi as one or the other (season one edition)

okay, first things first, i am linking this post and this one, both by @catty-words, because they're so well-worded and honestly, probably explain a lot better than i can about the whole devi vs. david thing (even though those are about s2 and this one is about s1). seriously. go read those, then come back. this post is just going to be cataloging every instance in season one where ben calls her one or the other, with context + insight but i'm likely not going to be going super in-depth. i mainly wanted to document this for my own purposes. i will also be creating a separate post for season 2, so expect that sometime in the near future.

ANYWAYS. here we go, i guess.

"...was just about the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.”

here we have the first instance of ben referring to her as david. they're still nemeses, obviously — this is in 1x01, they're not close, they know each other but still only really see the other in the negative sense. (or so we're told, at least; i have a whole theory about how ben has been crushing on devi the whole damn time but we'll get into that at a later date) he calls her david here because it's part of their banter, and we can infer that he has likely been calling her that prior to 1x01. this is also the same instance he refers to the un, which she calls him out for, as she should! but you know what she doesn't call him out for? david. from this very first instance we can infer that she does not give a shit that he calls her david.

"...because you went straight-up psycho and couldn't walk for three months.”

okay, so bear with me here, this might be reaching, as well as a few others down the line. but i think his tone is softer here than it tends to be when they banter pre-friendship. he knows he's hitting close to her trauma, to the cause of her paralyzation and reason for seeing a therapist. calling her david while referencing to her biggest trauma just would not be in good taste, imo.

"...I know how hard it is to memorize seven facts.” / "Yeah, Devi, please share your mumble with the rest of the class.”

ok, so they're in a classroom setting, and he has just, in his own words, "pwned" her as her "intellectual superior" (way to be humble, benjamin). he's got this hoity-toity air about him in this scene, calling her devi because it's more mature of him and as her "intellectual superior" he should appear that way. also, they're in a classroom setting and shapiro is paying attention to them (not that anyone else in the class is lol)

okay, so he doesn't refer to her as either devi or david after 1x02 until we get to 1x05. here, he's on the defensive, obviously. she is threatening to nuke him. literally. no time for banter or nicknames when your entire country is about to be wiped out, am i right?

he doesn't know why she's mad at him yet. he's trying to slip back into their banter, to worm his way back into that sliver of not-quite-nemeses-anymore-but-still-not-quite-friends that they had going on for all of two seconds in 1x05. he wants to go back to normal, or at least some version of normal, where she only hates him because of their academic rivalry and not whatever it is she’s holding against him now. (which of course he immediately learns is the whole sleeping-with-pax thing, but he still doesn't know why she's upset about that.)

this is obvious i feel like i don't have to explain that he calls her devi here because he's having dinner with her family lmao anyways moving on

"...I actually think I am going to have a party tonight.”

boy is crushing HARD. he is SO JEALOUS. speaking up immediately after pax makes the "you look great here" comment? having a party just so devi will come? ok, jay gatsby jr, i see you. ANYWAYS. imo he calls here david here to take back some of the control he just lost after pax showed up. because "david" belongs to ben and devi and nobody else.

the smile on her face in this scene when he greets her. the smile on his face when he sees her. they are in love, your honor. anyways. this is, imo, the first time we see david being used as a term of endearment. their friendship has been solidified after the events at the end of 1x06, and it shows. she is excited to see him and he is, very obviously, excited to see her.

"...Um, did something kinda weird happen? Or did I do something dumb at my party?”

aaand we are on the defensive again lol. david once again being used as a means to control the situation and deflect away from that horrifying failed kiss attempt back in 1x08.  dude is freeeaaaking the fuck out, because he knows now that he has this stupid big crush on devi (that he’s probably had the whole damn time, even prior to 1x01, if we’re being real here), but he just got her as his friend and doesn’t want to screw it up. so. blame it on the booze. throw in a friendly nickname. hope for the best.

obv i don't have like, concrete evidence for this because we only see the literal last day she stays with ben, but i have this theory that during her stay, he defaults to calling her david to keep his guard up. because again. he knows he has this stupid huge fucking crush on her. so, keeping up with the old nickname helps establish those boundaries in his head. (this is also the last time we see him refer to her as david in season one.)

but then there's this, immediately after he refers to her as david in front of his father. because he is worried about her. because she is making rash, dumb decisions without thinking anything through (you know, like trying to get emancipated from her mom and refusing to spread her dad’s ashes)

again, he is going for serious, worried as fuck, for the same reasons listed above. hoping that her friends will see reason for concern just like he does, because his friendship with her is so new and if she’s going to listen to anyone, it's going to be them. this is the first time we ever see ben refer to devi to other people without her being present, and this is also the last time we see him refer to her as devi in season one.

[haee-elia]

1x01 - extreme aggressor

pairing: dr. spencer reid x fem!reader (mentions of sister, no name listed)

summary: takes place in season 1 episode 1; extreme aggressor, reader is main victim’s older sister, mostly if not all 2nd POV (part two here)

warnings: mentions of kidnapping, potential harm, grief, sorrow, death, and murder. no mentions of gore, explicit language or depictions. ONLY VERY LIGHT FLUFF 

word count: +1400

a/n: this is the first one shot; one episode where i write a one shot for every episode of criminal minds, be sure to check out the premise here. anyway, this is very very light fluff with just some light crushing (if you squint) on either side and i may do a potential part two with some flirting but this (having your sister kidnapped) did not seem like the setting to do so? lol

You walked into your sister’s, Heather, apartment, quickly putting the key in your hand away once you realize the door isn’t locked. Shoving the key back down into your satchel bag at your hip whilst shoving the door open, you quickly spot your older brother, David.

“Oh my god, David,” You sigh in relief, seeing your older brother. The tension built up from the past few days melting away once you see him. You close the distance between the two of you and wrap your arms around him for comfort, of him and you. You also feel Heather’s golden retriever, Sandy, nose at your leg, whining for some attention.

He pets your head, lovingly, “It’s okay, it’s gonna all be okay.” He says.

Then there’s a clearing of a throat and you realize that there’s two other people in the room with you. Both standing in the middle-ish of Heather’s living room, out of place. You pet at Sandy’s head and ears, soothingly while inspecting the two men that you don’t recognize. Both have dark hair, but the two men are dressed very differently.

The younger of the two is standing akwardingly, obviously from the moment you and your brother are taking together. His hair is short enough not to touch his shoulders, but long enough to be pushed back behind his ears. He’s a lanky man and his clothes almost seem to drown his figure.

The older man has a more serious demeanor and he’s wearing a suit and a gray trench coat over it. Something you would assume to be worn in a more professional setting. Before you can question much about the two men, your brother pulls you back to reality.

“This is my younger sister,” He introduces, then turns to you, “This is Special Agents, uh, Hotchner and, uh, Reid.”

The two men nod at you in acknowledgement and take out their wallet-sized badges from their pockets.

“Supervisory Special Agent Aaron Hotchner. This is my colleague, SSA Dr. Reid,” The suit-wearing man, Agent Hotchner, formally introduces.

“You must be Heather’s sister,” He deduces.

You nod your head, trying not to get teary eyed with the mention of your slightly younger sister, “Yeah, um, Heather’s less than a year younger than me. We’ve always been really close.” You reminisce.

“Do you mind answering a few questions with your brother, here, while we look around a little bit. To learn more about Heather.” He explains.

You look to David and both of you share a look, you nod and the two men rifle through some papers laid, strewn around the multiple surfaces. You can tell Sandy doesn’t like the two agents going through the house and looking at different papers, but David holds onto her collar to make her stay put.

“When was the last time you both talked to Heather?” Dr. Reid asks.

David goes first, “It had been a few days, I live out of town and work a busy job. We call when we catch each other. I’m off at night, but Heather usually goes out with friends after work.”

“We were gonna meet for lunch the day she disappeared. I had called her that morning to make sure we were both on to meet, but then before lunchtime, she emailed me that she had to cancel.” You answer.

Agent Hotchner turned around from inspecting Heather’s bookshelf and looked at you, “Do you know why she canceled?”

You shook your head, “No idea, the message just said that something had come up and that she might have something to show me.”

“Something to show you?”

You shrug, “I don’t know what she meant. I’ve been racking my brain for the past few days wondering what she meant but I can’t think of anything.”

“Does your sister own a car?” You whip your head over your shoulder and look at Agent Reid. He’s pulled back some of your sister’s mail, staring at something.

You furrow your eyebrows and start to make your way over to him, to see what he’s looking at, “No, she doesn’t. I try to give her a ride, but other times she takes the bus or rides with a co-worker.”

You see what he’s looking at, a magazine displaying Datsun Z’s. You point at it, “But she was in the market for one of these. I remember telling her that the color was weird, but she was sure she wanted a orange Datsun Z.”

Sandy rips out of David’s hand and starts whipping around. David mumbles a sorry and tells you that he’s gonna get her outside and try to calm her down.

The two agents now have their backs turned to face you and appear to be discussing something. Something not for your ears.

“Is this gonna help you find her?” You ask, crossing your arms over across your body, “Do you just suddenly know who took her?”

The older agent opens his mouth to answer you, but his cellphone rings and he excuses himself, nodding to Agent Reid to talk to you.

“While we still don’t know who took her, this will certainly helps us narrow down the pool,” He starts talking, gesturing with his hands along with it, “We know how the unsub, the person who took your sister, lured your sister into a false sense of security and probably how he lured all his other victims.”

You give him a small grin, “I, uh, couldn’t watch the news.” Given his puzzled look, you explain further, “The news, the radio. I can’t listen to what he’s done to the other women he’s taken. ‘Cause I know he’s probably doing those things to my sister. She’s alive, right?” You ask him.

Before he answers, you scoff, “God, I don’t know why I asked that,” You chuckle lightly, “I know you can’t really answer that right? You can’t assure me that she’s alive or dead or anything.” You bring up your arm and wipe your eyes with your sleeve. Not wanting to cry in front of the special agent.

He looks at you sympathetically, “You’re right. I can’t promise you that she’s alive.” He reaches across to the coffee table and grabs you a tissue from the box, handing it to you, “But I can tell you that the man who took your sister hasn’t strayed from his usual schedule. He doesn’t know that we are onto him and that bodes well for your sister. She’s likely alive, wherever he has kept all the other victims, and when we hopefully do find her, she’ll want you and your brother’s comfort.”

You gratefully take the tissue and dab at the corners of your eyes, “Thanks,” You reply, “It’s been a really emotional few days as you could expect. You’re words mean a lot, but I’m sure you talk to a lot of sad people in your line of work.”

Dr. Reid cracks a small grin and almost seems to chuckle when you respond, “I’m, uh, not usually good at comforting other people. Or talking to others, for that matter.”

You return the smile, “Well,” You start, “You seem great at it to me.”

Before he can respond, the other agent, Agent Hotchner, sticks his head into the apartment and motions to the tall, lanky man who you were conversing with, “Reid, we’ve got a lead to follow. We’re gonna meet up with the rest of the team.”

Dr. Reid nods and Agent Hotchner leaves once again, leaving the both of you standing alone. He glances back at you while collecting his personal belongings, “We’ll, uh, be in touch. Be sure to check in with a member of my team or anyone at the Seattle office.”

He reaches into his bag and pulls out a small card, a business card, “This is my card with contact information and, uh, let me know if you need anything. Really, anything.” He smiles down at you and moves to leave.

You give a small wave as you see him to the door and watch him stumble towards the large FBI SUV that you assume they arrived in. You watch the car move out of the parking lot and realize your brother has returned from outside with Sandy.

“Was that the FBI leaving?” Your brother asks.

You nod, knowing he can see you, “Yeah, it was,” You say staring down at the small card in your hands, noting the name of the man who gently comforted you.

Dr. Spencer Reid.

You fondly smile as you think that Spencer quite suits him well.

part two here

[blues-valentine]

I loved ur post on Ben x Devi and I agree on this! I don’t think Devi was comfortable with paxton during their relationship and with ben she’s always been herself.

About “to me the last 10 minutes of Season 3 explained the love triangle and what it has meant narratively for Devi this whole time.”

I suppose u meant the scenes between paxton vs ben and the stomach knots commentary? I’m still afraid they’ll go with the “Devi still has feeling for Paxton!!” because it made it seem like she had already move on from her feelings.

I don’t meant those two scenes in particular but they do reinforce the narration by McEnroe paired with the flashbacks at the end of Season 3 that to me describes the love triangle and Devi’s arc up to that point. This is a little long:

That moment on the Season 3 finale after Devi sees Paxton having a moment with his dad and realizes her dad won’t be at her graduation, the narration starts as following: “As Devi walked home, she realized she has spent so much of her young life obsessed with the future. A future where she would finally fit in [flashback to Devi walking into school with her new clothes to impress on 1x01] but if today taught her anything [flashback to Paxton smiling] is that she already fits in [flashback to Devi and Ben finding each other at the school dance on 2x10].” — This sums up what the show has been trying to tell you from the start when it comes to Devi’s arc and the love triangle.

Devi starts off wanting to create a whole dream for herself so she can cope with the grief of losing her father. A fantasy she believes will make her live a “normal life.” And in a way, Paxton was the person that would allow her to success in that dream. The popularity, the hot boyfriend, losing her virginity (to prove Ben and the school wrong) and just for her to seek that external validation. I mean, she said in the first scene of the show: she wants to be popular and be invited to parties, she wants a hot boyfriend from the sports team (and not one from her AP classes which already points to Ben). And it’s not even about Paxton, not truly, because she even says to Dr. Ryan “I just want a boyfriend. I don’t care which one as long as he’ll want to be with me.” Her entire motivation in Season 1 (and Season 2) is becoming “Paxton Hall Yoshida's” girlfriend. And the show has not been subtle on this. She made Paxton her whole world so she won’t have to think about her dad. Devi (and her friends) view him as an ideal, a symbol, so her relationship to Paxton has never been equal. She idealizes everything he does. This is why she found it hard to be herself around him. Once she started dating him, it was still the same superficial fantasies but up to Season 3 you can see she realizes the popularity and the status were not something that just magically fixed her issues or gave her what she needed.

After Paxton broke up with her, we could see her time alone allowed her to contemplate what she wants in a relationship. She was still trying to seek “normalcy” in the ways she thinks can only be archived and I think her crush on Des was about how he represented everything she wanted in both her taste and status but it was necessary for her to date outside of her bubble and Des allowed her that. He was a very bland guy. The debate showed he didn't view Devi as a true adversary. And I don't think he would've been able to handle Devi in her rawest form so that was ending at one point, even without his mom intervention. However, you can still see that she has grown and some of the concepts she had were shut down. One of the reasons she wanted to go to Shrubland was because “everyone is a nerd and she can fit in” since she still thinks she belongs in a box but in Paxton’s speech she realizes: she doesn’t need to be popular and she isn’t a nerd. The “hot pocket” doesn’t even exist. It was just her perception of the school. The UN is not even a thing. Shira shattered that idea ("too fuck*ble nerd"). She has “popular” friends and she can influence people with her intelligence and "nerdiness". We are so much more than those school labels.

We see Devi watching Paxton and his dad and it reminds her life is full of uncertainty. She lost her dad so suddenly and she’s been obsessing over her future and on the image others have on her. She tells Paxton he helped her with the grief of losing her father by being a dream. He thanks her for helping him in his academic journey, for showing him that he can be more than what was expected of him. If this is how their romantic arc ends I think it’s pretty sweet. Devi has moved on from Paxton. At least on Season 3, she let’s go of him in the pedestal. The only way I see an endgame for them is Devi learning who he is as a person, not as an ideal that fulfills her fantasies. But I am still having trouble seeing what he does to help Devi’s self improvement and arc beyond self escapism.

Now, the “she already fit in” part so casually dropping a flashback between Ben and Devi is so fitting because in the finale, Ben delivers the simple yet so effective “I like your personality” line that fits so well with Nalini’s words to Devi an episode prior “you’ll find someone that loves you exactly as you are” because a mayor issue that fuels Devi’s insecurities is her personality. She worries that she’ll be too much for people. She’s been too much for her friends before. Paxton expressed that she is too complicated for him. And a consistent thing about Ben is that he knows her pretty well and is able to hold her accountable. He is been there to see Devi’s worst moments. He knows that she often uses anger as a coping mechanism. One thing we notice quickly is that he is able to rationalize that sometimes her jabs at him aren’t personal. And mostly, Devi can be truly herself with him.

Ever since I watched the show I was surprised about how much familiarity there is between them and the thing about their “rivalry” is that you need to know someone so well to know exactly what insult to deliver. The amount of facts they know about each other randomly is amusing. The show points out one of Ben’s influences on Devi is that his challenging personality helps Devi thrive and be better. She acknowledges she works better around him and he is one of the few people that can estimulate her intellectually. Ben’s failed relationship with Aneesa is there to point out how Ben loves Devi because she shares his drive and ambition. They have the same humor. He sadly tried to emulate that with Aneesa but quickly ended up being a jerk because that’s something he can only do with Devi. So, in theory, Ben is in love with Devi’s biggest insecurity and how fitting.

I just think the fact Ben got Devi on the love compatibility quiz and not Paxton feels like it wants to tell you something narratively wise.

The rest of the voice over goes: “Devi had listened to Dr. Ryan’s advice. She’s been open and even thought she was staying at Sherman Oaks for Senior Year her dreams had evolved, but there was maybe one part of the old dream that still interested her and per Dr. Ryan, she was about to surprise herself.” — and it goes to Devi finding Ben’s free boink voucher on her jacket and making the choice to go see him (as she is). The narrative points out Devi’s dreams had evolved. She not longer seeks popularity or the hot boyfriend. She has decided that she wants to stay with her friends and her family, people that love her and where she already fits in. And while her dream had evolved and not longer involves external validation, there’s some parts of that old dream that she’s interesting in but are now more adaptable to her new dreams.

I don't know what's going to happen on Season 4. The way the story line is going I do see them being the romantic endgame just like I can see that not being the case at all. But narration wise I just think is a very clear indication on what the show has been telling you about Devi so far.

[twilight-deviant]

Fisk in Echo

Wanted to make a long post detailing my personal thoughts on Fisk's representation in the Echo series. I won't comment a lot on the series as a whole. It was good. Not gonna call it my new favorite show or say it breathed new life into an MCU that seems like it wants to die. But a good watch. Even if I did hope it would break more of the MCU mold with its MA rating.

But Fisk! Put Vincent D'Onofrio's Wilson Grant Fisk on my screen, and I'm there, bells on.

This is just... a dumb long post I had to write for me. You can read it or parts of it if you want.

......................................................................................................................

1x01

Willie on Willie Violence

They're never gonna tells us why MCU Fisk had Ronin kill Maya's dad. Stop asking. They're not gonna say. No, they're not gonna tell us why Clint did what Fisk asked either. I said stop asking.

They really reduced what could have been an important relationship between Fisk and Willie into literally nothing. Per the comics, he was Fisk's first friend ever, his enforcer. Nothing? NOTHING?! Also they changed his last name from Lincoln to Lopez. (Apparently, heroes can only be born from a married, two-parent household? Didn't know the MCU was Catholic.) "How much agency can you remove from one man?" MCU asks and answers.

I'm not saying the comics knock it out of the park with motive. The reason Fisk kills him is still vague. (Meaning the MCU had the chance to pick up the slack but just left it there.) Vague is still better than ignoring it entirely.

I assume comic Fisk was betrayed by him in some way. And while it doesn't take much provocation for him to kill his employees, I like to assume the motive was a little more substantial for a friend.

This is why these series need to be treated like television (instead of long movies) and given more than a handful of episodes.

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

Maya vs Daredevil

A pretty good fight scene, definitely. Even if it is intercut with special effects instead of practical effects. I've seen people make that complaint, and it's valid. I can't decide if the inclusion of a fight between them is meant to be a bone thrown to Daredevil fans, a nod to their fight in the DD comics with Echo's origin, or both. 🤔 But since this is a post about Fisk and I'm a Fisk/Matt shipper, moving on.

Ehehehehehehe~ 😈

"None of my men have ever held their own with him like that. You did better than even I expected."

So... in preparation for DD: Born Again, I have been (and honestly, still am) unsure of where the canon will be coming from. Disney recently pushed the Netflix-verse as legitimate, but I know it has to have a point where that will break off. There's no way it can be a 1:1 continuation. So while we can be a little more bold injecting DD canon into the MCU, I'm not getting carried away yet.

Anyway, the uncertainty of Born Again has made my shipper heart wonder where/when Fisk and Matt's relationship will be. Until Echo, I questioned if it would be scorched earth, start all over, meet for the first time again. But Fisk's line establishes he is at least aware of Daredevil. They have some form of history. I'm interested and anxiously waiting for specifics to unfold. ✪ω✪

In the meantime, it's nice having confirmation that both Fisk and Matt survived Thanos's Snap and existed in those 5 years. 😈 Not only does that play into the hand of my current fanfic, it doesn't outright contradict it either. In fact, it's kind of fun imagining an AU where Matt works with Fisk and then laying it over this Echo scene. Daredevil just so happens to be at a location stalking Fisk's competition? On the same night Fisk sends in his daughter*? Hm. Suspect. Certainly he's not ensuring her safety by sending no-kill boy. 🤔🧐 Ignore me. I'm making an AU of my AU over here. 😂

*[I actually have a hard time letting go of Fisk's role as an adoptive father in the comics versus "uncle" in the shows. I can't let this go. Maybe even... won't let this go?]

......................................................................................................................

1x04

2008

So here's a very small nod that even I missed at first. In Maya's 2007 past (in Hawkeye and Echo), she is attending a regular, non-deaf school. Her dad says it's because they can't afford better. (Surely there are programs with grants? Whatever.) Now cut to 2008. Fisk picks her up from school, showing that she is on his radar and he is taking a more active role in her life. A testament to that? Maya is now wearing the uniform (with crest) of a private school.

Fisk isn't the best at love, and there's no denying that. (Look at Richard's life.) But it also can't be denied that he immediately took an interest in Maya and improving her situation. He loves in his own way.

-

Anyway... so this scene confirmed with its "2008" that Fisk has been active in New York for yeeeears. Literally since the beginning of the MCU itself. I won't say it changes a lot since DD 1x01 mentions the Chitauri Invasion of 2012 and how Fisk grew parts of his empire with construction companies rebuilding from it. But confirmation is nice, ya know. And it shows that even though Fisk's name was unspoken in 2015, he had already been in some form of power for at least 7 years.

-

And then, of course, the whole "beat up the ice cream man" thing. 🍿 I mean, again, Fisk's methods are not always right, but he will protect those he cares about and punish those who hurt them. And he will be excessive about it. RIP Anatoly. 💐

I see people, even writers, make excuses for Maya's action in this scene, for kicking the man. "Children watch and copy everything." Sometimes, yes, but children know the difference between right and wrong. Children don't just mimic bad actions. What I'm saying is I'm not going to pretend Maya didn't have a touch of dark side in her with or without Fisk.

There's no denying she is much darker and more ruthless than her comic counterpart. My mouth was quite agape to see her hurt the woodpecker and then lie about it. (There's a certain classification of people who hurt animals as children. 🤔) Not even Fisk was prepared for that part of her. Calling for another jacket, telling her not to be afraid. He thought of how other children would react and got it wrong. He wasn't wrong to think she would have an aptitude for bloodshed in her adult life.

I love Fisk calling her out in this episode, that she always knew what he was and that she killed for him without compunction. There was no remorse in the flashbacks. Per Fisk's own words: "You knew what you were part of at every turn. All the people you killed for me, did you plead for their lives?" There was no disgust towards Fisk until she found out he had her father killed. One of the (I think) producers of the show says he considers Maya a villain. Aight. I think she's more of an anti-hero now, but I wouldn't call MCU Maya an outright hero, I don't think. Remains to be seen what she does with herself.

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2021

Me watching the interpreter taken away: "Not the plastic hallway!" 🙈😂

DD S3 Fisk really found an MO he could live with. lol. No one else can but...

This old man is adorable wanting to have weekly dinners with his daughter. (✿◠‿◠) You definitely leave a girl wondering where Vanessa (even a recast Vanessa) is, but okay. Now invite your other three kids on Sunday. Pfft.

I can't believe the MCU made Fisk switch out his beloved Bach for Schubert's Ständchen. 🤣🎧 (That's okay. I actually like it more. Shh.)

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The Man in Red

Is it such a silly stupid thing for me to grin about the fact that the first time we "officially" see Fisk in the series, he is wearing red? Yes it is silly and stupid. Imma grin anyway. 🙃

Sir, that is... that is Daredevil's color. Sir. Sir! 😆 (Fisk said, "Daredevil wore white in the comics. Something must be done.")

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Fisk Not Learning ASL

Okay so...

I think this is one of my two big sticking points in Echo's writing for him. I've already ranted to my friend about it over several texts. Fisk spoke more sign language in Hawkeye than he did in this series, and it's not like the why is some big mystery. It's sloppy writing, right? Right. It's a shortcut to contrast Maya's family in Fisk versus her biological family. Writers were like, "What's a quick, easy way we can show Maya's family does care for her more than Fisk even though they abandoned her after her mother and father died and offer nothing for it but an, 'I'm sorry'? Ooh, I know!"

Chula hated Willie enough to blame him for Taloa's death and cast him out at the cost of losing her granddaughter. "I'm sorry." Henry left her in NYC after Willie was killed, even knowing he was leaving her with Fisk. "I'm sorry." But everyone still speaks fluent sign language after 20 years, so they're better than Fisk. Did you get that? We want to make it very, very clear so you get that. 🙄

I have trouble conveying my frustration with this writing choice in words. At the very least, it's "tell, don't show." I don't need it spelled out that ordinary people are better than a serial murder crime boss. Neon sign flashing "Duh!" No one needed that spelled out!

And It was bad enough how blatant they were being, okay, but when they had Maya mention it outright at the end, word-for-word conclusion, oof. It's so... novice league. I almost get secondhand embarrassment from their ham-fisted delivery. Geez.

This man speaks Mandarin, Japanese, and some Spanish. For personal interest. He could learn ASL. You can believe the absolute worst in him and still believe he'd learn it as a method of manipulation, to make Maya think he cared. You actually have a larger burden of proof coming up with any reason why he wouldn't learn. "He doesn't care enough about her." Where's that judging cat picture saying "Pathetic"? I mean, I can sit here all day pointing over and over again at the fact he spoke more ASL in Hawkeye. So he... regressed... between series because he cares... less for her now?

Wait... he suffered a gunshot to the head. You don't think... *gasp* Maya hit the exact spot of his brain that held sign language? It's all coming together.

Uuuuuuuuuuuugh. We all have those bad writing moments we just ignore, and this is one of mine. Echo wanted a villain but they were too afraid of humanizing the one they yoinked from Daredevil. Get on their level, you cowards.

No one will ever touch your perfection, DD S1, my beloved.

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Sunday Thursday Dinner

Do not let this man into your home. 🚫 He will look at your family photos and identify all of your weak spots.

jk I do very much enjoy Fisk's wide wandering eyes as he walks around the house, observing. It's so good. It reminds me (if anyone else knows the overlap here) of Vincent's character in Law & Order: Criminal Intent. Goren goes into a room and immediately studies any picture or book or object he can, learning everything about a person. It's exactly what Fisk was doing here, even if for reasons less than wholesome. I love when you can see the wheels turning in a character's brain.

I can appreciate a subtle flipping of authority between dinners. Fisk at the head of the table with Maya to his right and then the reverse of that. Nice.

Before this, if you said, "Yeah, I think Wilson Fisk would have a floral print picnic basket," you were LYING! No one could have predicted this bag. No one! You might counter with, "Yeah, but he didn't pick it out. A goon just put everything in there and handed it to him." Would you do that? Would you risk your life handing the Kingpin of all crime up the east coast a floral bag? You are so brave. You will be missed.

-

So there actually are a few bits of the show that make me think, "Okay, maybe Echo writers did watch Daredevil." It's The Little Things (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ When he brought wine, then Maya poured it out and he asked, "What happened to the Lafite?" I was ready to go "Rawr nooo. Fisk's character is supposed to be almost wine illiterate as a nod to his poor, uncultured origin." But wow, they saved it with his very next line being, "It came highly recommended." Okay, Echo. Echo, okay. For this, you get a point.

-

Handing the knife to Maya, so... mwah. 💋 It's arrogant, sure, and I'd be lying to say I hated that. But more than that, Fisk really is good at reading and predicting people. Forget muscle strength, THAT is his greatest asset. And he's not wrong. Maya doesn't (then or later) hurt or try to kill him again. He knows what it's like to let emotion take hold in the moment. That's why he understands and dismisses Maya shooting him. But he also knows she has a clearer head now. He feels no danger from her, knows she doesn't really want him dead. And he's right.

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Casino

"I can't remember a time... when I haven't loved you like a daughter."

I'm glad someone finally said it. Boo on the uncle/niece bit. Not to mention how many motifs of this series hit better and harder with a father/daughter relationship. Tsk tsk.

-

An interesting exchange here...

Maya: "You isolated me. Told me you were the only one I could trust. But it was all a lie. Even with these contacts, you got them because you didn't care enough to learn to sign." Fisk: "I was there for you!"

✨He is not wrong.✨ Obligatory groan at the ASL mention and... He's not wrong. Like I mentioned earlier, Maya's family abandoned her. Literally the only person who tried to keep up with her was Bonnie (angel), and Maya shunned her. (Which wasn't Fisk's influence because we see her ignoring Bonnie's texts before Fisk had a hand in swaying her one way or the other.) Maya was isolated because her family abandoned her or she cut them off. And Fisk. was. there. for. her. Without him, she seemed intent on ruining her life and getting arrested.

Granted, you'd be justified saying she wouldn't have been in that particular spiral without Fisk killing her father. (Too bad we'll never know why he did it.) But Willie could have died in a manner completely unrelated to Fisk, and her family would have reacted in the same way, not reaching out or being ignored when they do. Do you see what I'm saying? Fisk legitimately was the only person in Maya's life besides her father.

-

I think about... the people Fisk has told the story of his father's death to, speaking as if this is a true continuation of Daredevil. That would be Wesley (not shown but a given). Vanessa when he wants her to understand him and his past. And Dex, as he pulls the man back from the brink in an effort to make Dex see their similarity and how no one else could understand him like Fisk. (Other people know about it, of course, but I'm concerned with those whom he trusted to tell.)

It seems like the motivation swings between intimate trust and manipulation. Or it could be both with Dex. Honestly, who can read Fisk's mind with absolute clarity? Either way, it's a very small group. It's not insignificant that he tells Maya.

-

Love Fisk doubling down on "Maya won't kill me." Tripling down? First the knife. Then leaving himself completely unguarded with the door open while she has a gun. Then giving her the hammer and daring her. It feels less arrogant than with the knife though. He still knows she won't kill him, but it also feels less... certain here. But I like him using it as a challenge, as a "Now or never." Kill him already, or stop threatening it every five minutes. Very Fisk of him. 👌

I can't... articulate what his choice of words means to me, but they clutch at my chest as he says, "Free me!" Killing him will not only free Maya to move forward in her life, it will free him. Babygirl, how much do you hate this life you're in? ಥ_ಥ

I think I need to make another Daredevil/Echo gifset. With Fisk here saying, "Free me!" against him daring Matt in 3x13, "Come on, kill me!" (Wilson, do we need to put you on a watch?)

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The Little Things (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

I like confirmation that Fisk has a jet in the MCU. There's tiny mention of it in Daredevil 1x11. I want to see the jet. Yes, thank you. I don't know what I'll do with this, but I like having it.

......................................................................................................................

1x05

Post Office

I'm sooooooooo normal about that old man. Really I am.

I like this scene. No real reason. But it is nice to watch socially handicapped Wilson try and conduct conversation like a normal person. Helping Chula pick up the mail.

I am VERY interested in a blink-and-you-miss-it line from him here. After Chula mentions losing her daughter.

"Yes, I've lost someone who I loved. It's the kind of pain you never quite get over."

*whom

I am gnawing at my keyboard. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! Is it referencing something we should already know? Is it a nod to something yet to come, something Born Again will expand on? Is he just talking about how he "lost" Maya? Is it about his father? Is Vanessa dead in this universe??? What does it meeeeeeean?!?!?!?!

["Tell me!" Loki gif]

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Attempted Murder Spree

My second big beef.

I'm not gonna argue whether Fisk would kill people unconnected to his criminal underworld in order to hurt the ones that are. No, I think they got that part pretty accurate. Evidence abounds in comics and Netflix-verse. If he wants to kill Chula and Bonnie to punish Maya, I'd only ask why he didn't go ahead and round up Henry. This plan totally plays. (Actually, if we used only existing Hawkeye content for this MCU Fisk, it would be... less likely. He didn't threaten or go after Kate at all to get at Eleanor.)

What I find ridiculous is the notion he would attempt a massacre of the entire festival. Uh... what? Someone find me a single instance (comic or screen) where Fisk attempts such widespread death and destruction of innocents. By that, I mean with innocents as the intended target and not collateral damage.

When he bombed the Russians in DD 1x05, people were hurt, but from fallout, not intent. Though there are injuries, I'm trying to think if we get more than one confirmation of death. I don't doubt there may have been more, but... And you may want to point at the attack on The Bulletin, but, though terrifying, only three people died. And I'd posit the extra two were most likely to obfuscate that Jasper Evans was the real target. Unless we want to say Bullseye (Bulls-eye) missed a dozen times.

Anyway, I think this over-the-top plot point is us witnessing an MCU-ification of Fisk. Something they need to quash NOW. It's like... gah, they admit they want his character and want him to be a smaller scale villain, a "street-level Thanos," but they still want the high stakes of "aliens are killing citizens en masse." Well, no. You don't get it both ways. And it shouldn't be that way. Smaller scale means a smaller scale. Reduce everything but write it well enough that you still get that same feeling of anxiety and dread.

The episode plays exactly the same without that bit of OOC overreach. (All it did was give Henry and Biscuits something to do in the climax.) Like... literally. You can cut those scenes without affecting anything. Does that sound like good writing? No. Just like with the ASL bit, I think the burden lies on writers explaining WHY he would do this instead of acting like it's obvious and natural. And just because Maya turned him down? He'll massacre dozens of people? I, for one, am not convinced.

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The Trauma of It All

I already talked a bit about Fisk's experience being "healed" by Maya in this post. (By the way, was I the only one expecting it to heal his eye too? Ah well.) I could talk more on my annoyance of super powers that just do whatever the writers want them to in any given situation. But I breathe, center myself, and appreciate what I have been given.

I was pretty disappointed in Fisk's writing the whole episode (see point directly above) until this point. They got me back on board. They made a good decision with this final conflict and NOT having it be a physical one. While it makes Echo's writing feel all over the board, dehumanizing Fisk and the humanizing him again, looking at this one aspect feels so good for his character, for anyone who enjoyed his character before this series. Echo, you get... two points.

Visually, I love it so much. Except for the part where I want to take in every single detail of Fisk's childhood bedroom, but they cranked the fog machine too high. I see he is a Yankees fan (But what about those Mets, Spider-Man?) There's a toy helicopter in the window, a toy airplane on the chest of drawers, and a picture of a plane. Was anyone going to tell me little Wilson likes aircrafts or... There's a jar of marbles, jar of little animals. Very normal, cute room for a boy. Despite the disrepair and decay in the walls. This feels like it leans so much closer to Fisk's outright childhood poverty in the comics than just being lower class in DD.

OBVIOUSLY, I *chef's kiss* at the wonderful homage to the white wall/painting. High school English teachers could have a field day examining the symbolism. In DD 1x03, Fisk says the painting makes him feel "alone," and that emotion is perfectly captured here. We hear his parents on the other side of the wall, in the other room, but Wilson is alone in his bedroom, wanting it to stop.

I hate/love the despair and pain Fisk has being back here. I would never trauma dump on the internet. I'll just say Wilson Fisk continues to be a very relatable character for me. He is, all joking aside, very special to me, personally. And moments like this only strengthen the love I have for him. Also makes me want to slap around Fisk haters who refuse to take the time to understand him. Bah.

A small thing I like is that Fisk seems able to fully understand Maya in here. Whether because he just, ya know, understands ASL (she unlocked the sign language he forgot since Hawkeye ◉o◉), or because thought transcends speech inside his head, you decide.

(づ￣ 3￣)づ

I could speak for thousands of words and never finish conveying how much I love this scene. It was a very good call to go this route.

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I Am Petting the Loyal Henchman

The guy who helps Fisk, who points a gun at Maya, pulls him away, and puts him in a car before the police arrive?

This guy?

Give him a raise. He's very important to me, I decided. I'm going to call him Carl.

What are you about, Carl? Are you in it for the paycheck, or are you loyal to the boss? There is a Wesley-shaped hole in my heart that will never fill.

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Mayor Fisk

Obviously excited for Mayor Fisk arc. There are a couple comic plots I've wanted to see Daredevil explore, and that's probably at the top of the list. (There is also Fisk and Matt working together in prison, but I'm less than hopeful we'll ever see it on screen.) I have so many questions about Fisk being mayor.

Do you think he'll still offer the job of Deputy Mayor to Matt??? Can he win honestly, or will he cheat? Can they show Fisk stealing an election without referencing ANY current events in the real world? Will the election be at the start of the series or mid-point, or will they save it (hopefully not) for a finale? Will they use this to set up future plots with Fisk?

I'm all abuzz with anticipation.

Only... over a year to Daredevil: Born Again! ╰(*°▽°*)╯

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On the very off chance you read all of this post or skimmed it and didn't see me address something you're curious of my opinion on, idk, just let me know. I'll ramble all day. Clearly.

[sisterofficerlucychen]

in this essay i will explore why mastermind fits chenford perfectly. and yes, i have officially lost  my damn mind thanks to them ♡

so this general thought is what threw me down the rabbit hole -- in 5x10 during the montage scene, lucy references the green dress to which tim smiles at. it’s an item that holds a memory for the two of them, perhaps the same type of memory, as tim looked lucy up and down when she walked toward him and asked her to save her a dance. a dance they were both clearly excited for considering ‘the debt’ gets paid at nyla’s wedding and they have their first dance. lucy knew exactly what she was doing when she referred back to it.

Once upon a time, the planets and the fate And all the stars aligned You and I ended up in the same room At the same time

1x01: the planets and fate literally aligned to have both of them at mid-wilshire station. they come from such different backgrounds and just everything they’ve lived through before the start of the series??? like tim serving two tours and the whole rise and fall of his marriage with isabel; lucy not knowing where she’s going in life but knowing she doesn’t want to follow her parents footsteps or wishes so she signs up for the police academy on a whim. also, the fact that percy asked grey to pair jackson with tim and instead of doing that, he paired up lucy and tim together. had lucy and tim not been paired together, their entire relationship would have likely not happened and it would have been a very different outcome for both of them.

And the touch of a hand lit the fuse Of a chain reaction of countermoves To assess the equation of you Checkmate, I couldn't lose

lucy met tim in possibly the worst moment of his life. he had lost himself, losing isabel put him in a really dark path and it was not pretty. he was hurting and it made him mean because tim may be no nonsense but we’ve seen how he is now to what he was then like he still means business but there’s a more playful and patient side to him. which was not the case back at the beginning of the series where he was hurting and was projecting those emotions. like tim’s intro to the series and how he told jackson he was going to make his life a living hell? well, that could have been a tim test tbh, but also felt so out of left field because we know he considers being a training officer something sacred and takes it seriously.

What if I told you none of it was accidental And the first night that you saw me, nothing was gonna stop me? I laid the groundwork and then, just like clockwork The dominoes cascaded in a line

the way the two prank each other has always teetered between being something else. it’s playful and fun but it’s also very much them and even to an extent, intimate? like when lucy filled tim’s lockers with booties when he made sergeant. during angela’s wedding, her attention completely shifted off nyla and grey the moment she saw tim. she clocked him and beelined toward him. why? why? she knows why, he knows why, we all know why. tim wasn’t subtle about taking her in either and they were so flirty with each other in that moment, and then before they walked away from one another, he asked her for a dance and she was pleased by that.

then the prep for going undercover aka chenford’s first kiss. it will never not be funny how these two dumb idiots thought that for going undercover, they needed to practice kissing and i am holding out for the day when nyla finds out and gives them shit for it because it’ll be so funny. but the fact that as they’re working on their cover story, lucy says something she knows will get a reaction from it. it’s completely on purpose. she broke his brain for a second there and as he brought up the suggestion of them having to kiss, she kept playing dumb to make him spell it out.

No one wanted to play with me as a little kid So I've been scheming like a criminal ever since To make them love me and make it seem effortless This this the first time I've felt the need to confess And I swear I'm only cryptic and Machiavellian 'cause I care

lucy is an only chlid and being one myself, i can say that it is extremely lonely not growing up with any siblings and while that may not be the literal definition of that first lyrics, not having any siblings definitely does play into that because you don’t really have anyone to play with as a kid. we also know that lucy craves validation and praise. we saw it so many times while she was a rookie and even nyla says it when tim storms off when lucy goes undercover for the first time as nova.

additionally, lucy caring is key. when ashley broke up with tim and lucy gauged that something was wrong but didn’t know what, she used the opportunity of him leaving his radio behind to send him on a scavenger hunt to places she knew would bring him joy. like it was so devious and cute and she played dumb when he called her on it.

lastly ...

I laid the groundwork and then saw a wide smirk On your face, you knew the entire time You knew that I'm a mastermind And now you're mine

so this is one that i think is coming like when they have the conversation of how and when they fell. tim’s just as perceptive of lucy as lucy is of tim except he’s definitely more subtle about it. like referring back to when she sent him on a scavenger hunt or when jan kept talking about being a minx and how it had “lucy written all over it”. also, the hotel room in vegas when he flat out tells her it didn’t feel like pretend. i could see them coming back to this as well as the fake confession and how tim to a certain extent was aware of her feelings but the fake confession did throw him off because of how he reacted to it when she started laughing.

the end :-))

if you made it this far, ilu???? thanks for coming to my ted talk and entertaining my delusion as i stumbled down the rabbit hole.

[raayllum]

Plot, Theme, and Pacing :: 4x01 Re-Birthday

So a little over two weeks out past S4′s release date and a few days before S3′s three year anniversary, I was reflecting on the mixed reactions to S4′s pacing, why it feels unique in some ways to previous seasons as well as what it borrows from structural and pacing standpoints, as well as a potential thesis statement for the season, or at least, episode one.

Which is to say my guided research question is: What is the Point of each episode? and my current thesis statement is S4 Writes to Establish Theme Instead of Plot, specifically, and we’re just gonna see how it goes.

None of this means the pacing has to / did work for you, not saying this writing approach is flawless, or that I’m even right in positing this theory but as always, I’m interested in figuring out what canon gives us and why and what I can yield / analyze from it by engaging with, rather than critiquing the material by focusing on what’s not there, so this is undoubtedly going to be the former rather than the later.

So without further ado, let’s get into the season premiere, 4x01: Re-Birthday. 

Now, in actuality, this is one of the most jam packed episodes of the show in terms of the amount of information given, outside 1x01, and definitely one of the most jam packed premieres. 2x01 was heavily predicated on Ezran teaching Zym how to fly and more than that, establishing a deeper basis for how primal magic works in order to set up Callum’s season long arc. 3x01 is intensely plot > worldbuilding or theme focused, even if again, only about three happens (Amaya getting captured, Rayllum making it past Sol Regem, and Ezran showing up in Katolis in the last few seconds), similarly to how Claudia and Soren do at the Moon Nexus at the very end of 2x01

In contrast, 4x01 establishes

Ezran’s fortified council and plans to bring Zubeia to Katolis, as well as Opeli’s reservations

Callum’s paranoia, his research, and lingering discomfort around being High Mage

The secret plot

That Viren’s resurrection is temporary and Claudia’s means to make it permanent

Janai and Amaya’s relationship and proposal

For casual audiences, that Rayla has left and her status / state of her well-being is currently unknown

So 4x01 is mostly about catch up as well as showcasing change, centralizing on two main characters. So let’s talk about it

It’s All About Claudia and Callum (+ Viren)

Claudia and Callum are by far the most developed characters in the first episode, as they have in a lot of ways been through the biggest changes and most explicit trauma (Rayla might be a contender later, but she’s not here yet). They are also the characters most notably tied to stakes.

Both are aware of the passage of time in a way that is absolutely painful. Both have lived and were forced to live for two years with someone they desperately love (in fact, because of the same person and same trait, of Rayla’s sacrificial nature and willingness to die for a cause). Callum has been in limbo with no direction other than magic as a crutch, while Claudia has been also relentlessly using magic to try to revive her father, concentrating on very little else.

Furthermore, through dark magic, Claudia is able to achieve the one thing Callum cannot: bringing the person she loves back to her. 

This establishes Claudia as being Active on a narrative level with Callum being comparatively more Passive, as well as being an inversion of their original S1 roles in some ways. While Claudia’s early S1-S2 arc was dominated by chasing after the princes to stop them from returning Zym and trying to make up for losing the egg, we will see the trio’s mid S4 and onwards arc be about trying to stop her from unleashing Aaravos. 

[ If you are interested in learning more about narrative passivity, I’d suggest checking out this meta I wrote contrasting and comparing Claudia and Ezran as foils in S2-S3. I also have one planned examining Rayla and Viren’s parallel passivity in S4 ] 

Then, of course, you have the more overt parallels drawn between Callum and Viren in a few key ways. Examining the mirror with parallel framing, meeting Soren on the battlements, waving to kids as they walk on by, their shared position as High Mage.

Callum can’t say Viren’s name either, which feels purposeful precisely because the man is Callum’s political and narrative predecessor, but also because of the emphasis the series puts on routinely calling things what they are. It also sets up how unstable Callum’s identity as a mage will, in some ways, become later this season when Aaravos is brought directly into the fray. 

Of course, while Viren and Callum have always had a plethora of parallels, the biggest one in some ways is that now, they share a birthday — or re-birthday. Callum is attempting to move on in some capacity (which given the Rayla drawing in his study, he’s not trying that hard to let go — yet, anyway) while Viren is playing catchup. 

I’ve talked about Callum’s mental / emotional state in S4 and the way he, to a degree, acts like he’s already dead because Rayla leaving metaphorically killed him, in a way. We can see parts of this already in 4x01; whenever Callum isn’t with or doing things for his brother, he is alone (unless he’s trying to get answers out of Soren because he hates secrets now, or Corvus and Soren are stumbling through stalling him) and typically in his study with the mirror and maybe Bait as company. 

But we see Callum carry this weight with him, stuck in the same kind of grief Rayla was in TTM.

E: Why aren’t you celebrating? C: It’s not really my birthday anymore. Not to me. It’ll never be the same.

His birthday has been permanently changed, even if everyone else has tried to breathe new life into the day. He has been permanently changed; he’ll never be the same, either. We also see a similar sentiment for Viren. He’s not particularly joyful at being back alive, even if his stance on it swings between happiness to reluctance even over this first episode and the rest of the season.

Claudia will never be the same because of what she’s done to bring her father back, shown by her hair. Viren will never be the same because of the trauma of death, shown by his battered garments and changed attitude. Callum will never be the same because he’s had spent two years mourning and missing Rayla, and like Claudia and Rayla’s TTM cloak, is decidedly split down the middle. 

Claudia has a second chance to save Viren. Rayla took a second chance to kill Viren. Viren now has a second chance at life. What does Callum have a second chance at? It’s certainly not the mirror and it’s not magic. So, she’ll show up in an episode or two, but we’ll get to that when we get there.

The main point is that for Callum, a lot of his characterization and framing this episode is to get us caught up to who he is after two years, the way he’s been hurt, and how tethered he is to Claudia in terms of motivation and Viren in terms of theme. Just as Viren is going through a kind of rebirth, Callum is gearing up for one too, even as the episode goes on, we see just how different a place he is in, narratively, as well.

Secret Keeping and Subversion 

Now onto what tethers our arguable A and C Plot together most obviously, which is to say: Amaya and Callum both have secrets kept from them that turn out to be happy, celebration occasions. While both believe for most of the episode that the secret can’t be anything good, both are proven wrong. Amaya is overjoyed by Janai’s proposal even if it initially went awry, and Callum is touched by Ezran’s attempts to give him a happy birthday, even if it doesn’t work. 

So Amaya and Callum are drawn together into disliking secrets being kept from them. There’s the obvious layer here, of course, of Janai paralleling Rayla and her secret-keeping in TTM, leading to Callum’s behaviour and responses in this episode. Amaya states, “You shouldn’t keep a secret from me,” even if Janai posits, “It’s safer for you to not know yet,” Amaya still doesn’t like it.

However, there is perhaps the less obvious parallel between Amaya and Rayla, and an inability to believe you are safe even when your partner assures you otherwise. Amaya never entirely lets her guard down until Janai re-emerges and Rayla was unable to let her guard down in TTM, torn between angrily holding on and questioning if anyone was right to try to move on, let alone her. 

This also speaks to how Rayla’s paranoia has, in some ways, gravitated to Callum instead, too. Now he’s the one who fears the worst. Now he’s the one who can’t believe that everything is fine. It’s an awful way to live. 

However, where Amaya and Janai end their plot line happily, the ending scenes of the episode all emphasize what other characters have that Callum does not, which is

Partnership 

Callum’s lack of partnership shows up in many ways throughout the episode, both big and small. The person he always used to discuss magic with is gone, and he notes that nobody else really entertains him. He has his drawing of Rayla from 2x07, also from when he was worried about losing her, up in his study. He demands answers from Soren and doesn’t ask for reassurance; in fact, despite spending most of the episode worried, he doesn’t get any reassurance until the very end. He’s so focused on magic that even when he thinks Ezran may be in active danger, it’s enough to distract him. And of course, there’s the way he tries to pretend to be fine when his brother asks.

As I’ve noted before, Callum actually confides very little in anyone in season four, at least not without prompting. This is a big change from prior seasons for numerous reasons, which I’ll expand on more in the next and final section of the meta. For now, I’m just going to let the screencaps of each plotline’s final scene (or close to) in the episode speak for itself.

As previously discussed, Claudia has been able to do what Callum could not, and brings her loved one back to her. She’s reunited with her father after two long years of worrying. She then also joyfully introduces her boyfriend, Terry, to her father, who in spite of Viren’s lukewarm to cold reception, the two are happily unfazed by: “I think that went well.” Janai and Amaya’s engagement is reaffirmed by Janai stating Amaya’s fierce battle prowess is one of the things she “loves about her.” 

(Meanwhile Viren is without his partner in his ex-wife, Lissa, likewise leaving him.)

Callum ends his birthday on the balcony initially alone, then with his brother, crying under the light of the moon, and unable to even admit he loves Rayla out loud anymore because it hurts too much. He worries and mourns his best friend and girlfriend, Ezran able to provide only minimal (if any) comfort by the time the episode closes out. Again, we see Love tethered to this idea of Death per Viren and Claudia, as Ezran’s “She’s alive. And wherever she is, she love you too” makes Rayla loving Callum synonymous with her being alive. 

All of this compounds the fact, though, that Callum is fundamentally without his partner or one of the two people he loves the most in contrast to the rest of the main cast, even the ‘villains.’ Even with Ezran, who can understand this heart break the most, Callum is alienated in his grief. To Ezran and everyone else, his birthday is still a day worth celebrating. To Callum, it’s not. It never will be.

In his own words, it will always just be the anniversary of the day she left. Of the day he lost her, while he lay sleeping. And, speaking of isolation, let’s talk about

When Does Callum Self Isolate?

Callum doesn’t self isolate often in previous seasons. He definitely does so sometimes, and will often catch a quiet moment for himself just to draw on purpose. Callum doesn’t mind being alone (and indeed I think he’s more introverted than extraverted at his core) but he typically isn’t alone when dealing with his emotions, except for a few exceptions.

In 1x01 when hearing about Harrow, Callum doesn’t want to worry his little brother, so he goes to Soren and insists on helping. We can see parallels to this in 4x01 as well, with Callum believing there’s another plot to kill the king that Soren has accidentally ‘spilled the beans’ over. (The king and high mage standing on the same balcony talking about Moonshadow assassins. The same cycle that just keeps on restarting, but again, more on that next episode.) 

The main times Callum isolates for emotional reasons in S1-S3 is

1) He can’t sleep (2x07 before Rayla joins him and he was still chatting with Bait, so he wasn’t wholly alone and this one probably makes the most sense)

2) Lingering out in the storm in 2x04, using magic to help take his mind off Soren and Claudia’s betrayal. Again, until Rayla joins him, and even when he goes into the storm, he happily takes Zym with him

3) Perhaps the one true time in 2x05, where he goes below deck on the Ruthless to try to read Harrow’s letter and bursts, angrily, when he thinks he’s being interrupted/intruded upon (even if he softens and asks Bait to stay). 

The last one is notable since we know that Callum’s instinct with grief is to isolate and then seek out companionship. After Claudia tells him the truth about Harrow, he walks back to the dwelling alone and in tears in 2x02 before Rayla finds him. When he brushes her off, it’s with the intent of telling Ezran the truth, before he spends the night sitting up alone (while Rayla does the same outside the garden). Then, after he tries and fails to tell Ezran, he seeks out Rayla and fully lets himself start grieving. 

By S4, we see this has radically changed, as again, 90% of his scenes where he’s around people centres back to doing something for Ezran (the council meeting) or worrying about his brother. The one main exception is Callum seeking the Crowmaster out to ask about the Tome of Translation, and that was more of a happenstance passing in the halls than Callum going to the rookery, perhaps. The one main exception is him finding Soren on the battlements and even that is related to him dealing with leftover trauma from Rayla’s departure. In spite of being the king’s brother, Callum actually sits farthest away from Ezran and indeed from any other council member as he can possibly get.

We also see that how Callum grieves has changed, or at least, the way he grieves Rayla is notably different. He’s still actively grieving, yet shuts himself from everyone else, including his own party. He has been outside for “a while” (as Ez says) completely on his own before Ezran notices and then goes after him. There’s no attempt to get him back to the party, either. 

His temper is fast and loose, he’s more paranoid, patient, worried, slightly more of a workaholic and prone to spending a lot more time by himself. He doesn’t have his confidant. He doesn’t have his counter-balance. And it goes a long way to making him feel off-kilter, even before the season really kicks off. 

Conclusion

To wrap things up, 4x01 introduces some of its primary themes of the season: stagnated grief, separation and reunion, partnership (or lack thereof), and life-death symbolism being brought heavily to the forefront. 

A lot of the characterization and parallels between Callum, Viren, and Claudia are subtext that provide a picture, meaning that while the episode’s primary job is to catch us up, it’s also laying the ground work for the bigger thematic questions the season interrogates later (largely beginning in episode two and three), as well as leaving room for future seasons. 

If you enjoyed this post, I hope to make one like it for every episode in season four in order to chart out the thematic waters I can see and understand at this time. All posts in this little mini theme series will be specifically filed under my “Establish Theme Series” tag as well as my more general “analysis series” tag. I do have some metas I plan to upload concurrently with this mini series

If you made it this far, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed! I’ll see you in the next one!