#the journey of making amends + paying respects to the dead

[foxsoulcourt]

Navigating Purgatory (12032 words) by Anyawen Chapters: 7/7 Fandom: James Bond (Craig Movies) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: James Bond/Q Characters: M | Gareth Mallory, Q (James Bond), James Bond, Bill Tanner, Eve Moneypenny, Paloma (James Bond) Additional Tags: NTTD Fix-It, mallory takes responsibility, attempts to make amends, paying respects to the dead, Travel, Bit of introspection, Angst, Past James Bond/Madeleine Swann, Grief, Political Fallout, personal fallout, things look up ... eventually, 007 Fest 2023, TeamQBranch Series: Part 1 of Purgatory Summary:

There is no restitution Mallory can offer to make amends for the decisions that led to the missile strike on Safin's island —and the death of James Bond.

That doesn't mean he does nothing.

Bookmarker's Notes:

When this fic posted last July I did.not.have the capacity to give Mallory his due. But today I did and W O W! What a gift it was to dive into this 'verse with all its complexities + delightful ways it fills in canon's gaps of logic.

L O V E @anyawen's way with OCs; in this story line that means Akari. Love witnessing Mallory experience all the pain he deserves for the series of choices he made around Heracles, but also how Anyawen provides him a way forward into a life worth living.

As much as I want to say more, out of respect for YOUR upcoming experience Dear Reader, I won't. If easing the pain of how No Time To Die unfolded is what you're after, you've come to a place where another way is skillfully imagined. Hydrate beforehand + bring your tissues because there are m a n y tender moments. Enjoy m'friend, ENJOY!

[write-r-die]

Prisoner - Part 14

February, 1067

Henry Cavill is a respected Norman baron who has been tasked with finding Lady Thomasin, an ill-tempered Saxon noblewoman, and returning her to London so the king can marry her off to a cruel Norman invader. The two grow close during the long journey, and Henry puts his own life in danger (more than once) to protect the woman he loves.

Masterlist

This chapter sucks but it’s about to get super good!

Thomasin went straight to church in the morning to confess. She liked and trusted Elaine, but she wasn’t comfortable sharing her innermost thoughts with her yet, especially since her daughter was likely to eavesdrop. 

Not that she particularly trusted William’s priest to keep her confidence, especially considering what she planned to confess.

Her conversation with Charlie pricked at her mind like a sewing needle hidden in a bed might prick at her body.

Thomasin lowered herself to her knees and made the sign of the cross. “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been three months since my last confession.” It was the custom to confess at least once a month, but the past year’s events had altered everyone’s routines.

“What are your sins, daughter?”

“I have been unkind. I have blasphemed. I have not loved my neighbors. I have not kept the Sabbath day. I have been . . . amorous.” These were mostly the same sins as usual, but the amorousness was a new addition thanks to that week she spent in Henry’s lap. “That’s all I can remember.”

“Are you sure of that?” asked the priest.

Thomasin took a deep breath. “No. I have not yet - that is, I’m considering another sin. You won’t betray my confidence, Father, will you? That must surely be a sin. Is it not?”

“It is. No, child, I won’t betray your confidence and share your secrets. What is this sin you consider?”

“I’m thinking of . . . lying . . . to the king.”

There was a long pause on the other end of the curtain. “Explain.”

All at once, Thomasin’s story came rushing out starting with the night the Cavills took her prisoner to Charlie’s idea that she lie to the king about her virginity. “And I know I mustn’t bear false witness against my neighbor, but I am not bearing false witness against my neighbor, only myself. You see?”

The priest was silent for a long time. “Would it truly be so bad to marry Lawrence?”

“Yes!” He drove his wife to commit self-murder. Didn’t he? He didn’t seem actively cruel. Did he truly become so angry that he beat his wife until she lost the child in her belly? It seemed to Thomasin that he couldn’t be bothered to do such a thing, that he didn’t feel anything strongly enough to act in such a way – to act at all, really.

“I think so,” Thomasin amended. “I can’t be sure. But it cannot be good.” Of that, she was quite certain. 

“Is that the only reason you don’t wish to marry him?” asked the priest.

“There’s Henry, too, of course.” She swallowed hard. “I cannot bear the thought of Henry being with someone else.” The words stuck in her dry throat like fish bones. Lord. That was the first time she’d admitted it. It was painfully true. The idea of Henry bedding another woman, her bearing his children – it made her sick to her stomach. 

The priest sighed. “It is never easy to follow God’s laws. We all must make sacrifices to enter His Kingdom, for the road to Heaven is narrow and steep.”

“You think I ought to marry Lawrence? Don’t you know what happened to his last wife?”

“Seek solace in the spiritual world. Devote yourself to God. It is through Him that you will find comfort and joy.”

Thomasin had to literally bite her tongue to keep from lashing out. Wouldn’t God want His children to be happy? Didn’t He want Lawrence to be punished?

The priest told her to recite certain prayers to atone for her sins. She thanked him as graciously as possible and nearly stomped out of the chapel. 

She was being childish, she knew, but she could not help it. Most girls were married off at fourteen to men they did not know. She was some twenty years old and unwed. She spent her life being coddled and guarded by her father. And now she was a piece of chattel to be traded by men who did not know her or care for her wellbeing. 

She knew in her heart that Henry wouldn’t let that happen. He’d give his arm for her if she asked him to. But it might not be enough. 

She believed that he was a finer swordsman that Lawrence – better than even King William, perhaps – but she also believed his honor made him vulnerable. Henry might be the finer warrior, but she suspected Lawrence had a great and dark mind. That could be just as dangerous. Sometimes more so.

Henry ordered her to let him deal with the matter. It was the only thing he ever truly asked of the woman he held so dearly and treated with such generosity and respect. But if it was in her power to preserve the life and limb of the man to whom she owed her own, how could she not? Surely he would understand. He must.

***

The next few days numbered among the most difficult in Thomasin’s life. She felt sick even after her courses passed; she’d worked herself into a fine state. She had an episode like this when she was young, around the time of her mother’s death. The healer, a monk, called it hysteria. She’d been blessedly free of it since then – it didn’t even happen when her father got sick – but now it was back, and it would not go away.

One of the Saxon prisoners died – of what, Thomasin did not know – and two more pledged their loyalty to William, even though it meant giving up everything they owned, including their dignity. They made their pledge in front of the entire court just before supper.

Thomasin and Henry were seated at the table at opposite sides, one chair over from each other. They could steal glances at one another during the meal, but they could not speak. Thomasin supposed that was the point. 

Lawrence had taken to sitting next to her most nights. They didn’t speak. Lawrence had ceased with the pleasantries after her comment about his last wife. He ignored her as much as possible, but he sneered whenever she spoke. 

Thomasin understood that he didn’t want this any more than she did, but he needed a wife to produce heirs and Thomasin was a gift from the king. He couldn’t refuse. He did still get pleasure out of the arrangement, for seeing him with Thomasin upset Henry to the point where he could hardly hold back his anger. Between Henry’s jealousy and Thomasin’s feistiness, conquering her was sure to be excellent sport.

The Saxon knights came forward and fell to their knees before the king and his wife and made their pledges. The other Saxons in attendance – mostly women, but a handful of warriors and former nobles that pledged themselves to the Normans early on – showed a range of emotions. Some of the men applauded their brothers for being sensible; others appeared to be ashamed. Most of the women looked like the wanted the whole thing over and done with, especially Elaine, who knew most of the Saxon prisoners either from tending their wounds or meeting them at court before the Norman invasion.

Henry’s reaction was surprising. He glared at the trencher of food in front of him, nostrils flared and jaw clenched as though he were the one being forced to swallow his pride. Thomasin made no effort to hide her concern, and neither did Charlie.

He, of course, knew about Cerdic’s presence in the dungeon, and he worried that Henry would allow his emotions to get the best of him. Frankly, he didn’t understand why Henry was so upset. He thought Cerdic was dead already; soon enough he would be. Perhaps he was feeling guilty for his part in the conquest. Thomasin had his head in knots. 

During the applause that followed the oaths, Henry shoved away from the table and made a beeline for the main doors without offering any excuse or explanation.

Thomasin looked quizzically at Charlie, who sat directly across from her. He shook his head. She stood up and went after him anyway.

The large corridor was mostly empty, except for a young couple kissing deeply in a shadowed corner and a handful of female servants walking back and forth between the hall and the kitchens. They gossiped as they walked, paying no attention to those around them.

“Henry,” Thomasin called, scurrying over to him. He had his shoulder leaned against the wall and he was rubbing his face with his hand.

He looked up at the sound of Thomasin’s voice and gave a weary smile. “You should not have followed me,” Henry said, trying to sound stern; he just sounded tired. He caught sight of his ring hanging from the chain around Thomasin’s neck. He held it in his hand, still hanging from her neck, and smiled slightly. 

“You followed me when I ran off in the woods,” she said. “I’m only returning the favor.”

“Or exacting your revenge,” Henry teased.

Thomasin shrugged her narrow shoulders and repeated Henry’s earlier words back to him. “It’s a matter of perspective.”

“This looks very fine on you,” Henry said of the ring. 

“Will you have a pendant made for me like your brothers’ wives and your mother?”

“Patience,” he said teasingly. In fact, he had commissioned a jeweler shortly after arriving in London, though the piece’s production was delayed because Henry didn’t have his ring to show the jeweler. Instead, he had to provide the man with his shield so he could study the symbols painted on it. It wouldn’t be very pretty, he thought, but as long as it was recognizable it didn’t matter.

He knew better than to seek to borrow Charlie’s ring when he arrived. He would lend it to Henry if he asked him to, but he’d certainly put up a fuss about it.

And then he remembered the Saxon awaiting his death three floors below them.

Henry’s smile faltered. 

“What’s wrong?” Thomasin murmured. 

Seeing Cerdic, simply knowing that he was alive and nearby, upset Henry. As far as he could tell, the man was a boar, and it would be no great loss to the world for him to die. But it still bothered him.

Cerdic didn’t know about Henry’s relationship with Thomasin, her betrothal to Lawrence, or even that she was at court. He had no fondness for Thomasin, it seemed, and he would certainly not treat her with respect if they were wed, but he was still a living reminder of the life the Normans stole from her. That Henry stole from her. He sometimes felt that Thomasin was as much a prisoner as her former intended.

She cared for Henry, of course, but he wondered how much of her affection was true – true, in that it would still be there if she were free of Norman rule – if she had the option to return home to her father and go on living as she did before.

More than that, he worried how Thomasin would feel if she knew Cerdic was here. He swore Roger and Charlie to secrecy, of course. Lawrence didn’t know of his intended’s former relationship with the red-bearded prisoner – if he did, he would surely use that information to inflict pain.

“The Saxons . . .” Henry shook his head. “I’m so tired of all this fighting.”

Thomasin took a deep breath knowing she was about to start a fight. “Then why do you insist on fighting Lawrence?”

Henry’s nostrils flared in anger; he let the ring fall back into place. “Don’t start.”

“I’m not trying to start anything,” she said apologetically. She stepped closer as he started pacing in a circle, one hand on his hip as he rubbed his brow with the other. His hair, still short by Saxon standards, was a small pile of tumbling curls stacked atop his head. But he still looked so handsome. “I just . . . I’m just . . .”

“Just what?”

“I’m frightened! All right?!” How dare he make her say it out loud?

Henry stopped pacing. He tried to soften his features, but he was still stiff with nervousness. “It will be all right, Tom. Nothing will happen to you.”

“I don’t care about me!” she hissed. “I want to protect you just as much as you wish to protect me. Why won’t you let me?”

Henry was lost. “How?”

Kal let loose a warning bark that nearly made Thomasin jump. She hadn’t even realized he was in the hall with them. “Go,” she said to Henry. “I need a moment to compose myself.”

Henry slipped past her just as Lawrence came into view, carrying a goblet of wine in one hand and holding the other behind his back. Henry tensed his muscles so hard he nearly shook. Thomasin nodded silently to assure him that she was all right. Henry stomped back into the hall as Lawrence took a long drink from his goblet of wine.

“Would you like some?” he asked Thomasin.

“No, thank you.”

“Very well.” He tapped his fingernail against the rim of the glass. “You remember the nobleman’s family that I put to death?” he asked, lifting the cup to his lips again.

What sort of a question was that? “Yes.”

“Do you think they would’ve been better off alive, surrounded by lustful soldiers?” Lawrence asked calmly. “Do you think the baroness would be pleased to see her young daughters beaten and defiled in the same home where she was once mistress? It was a mercy killing in some ways.”

Thomasin was silent. She’d considered such questions for months after the Normans landed up until the night Henry lifted her out of her hiding place. She always concluded that she would rather be dead than passed around like a brood mare. 

 “You’d never have been so lucky. That would’ve been your fate if the king weren’t so set on bringing your brother to heel, which he clearly cannot, and if anyone but the Cavills had come for you, you would’ve been tied and beaten into submission and raped nightly, not carried about like a babe with your virtue intact.”

“I know that,” Thomasin snapped. What was his point? “Are you truly surprised that I might wish to marry someone who would treat me well? Someone I know would never raise a hand to me?”

“I won’t deny that I struck my wife on more than one occasion,” Lawrence said. “She came to me when she was fifteen years old. Still a child in need of discipline. You’re more intelligent, more mature, and I think you will know better than she did. I was not the source of all her troubles, as much as you might like to think so.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I dislike the way that you fawn over Henry and regard me as the most heinous of villains. You should be grateful for your good fortune. You’re betrothed to a man capable of mercy toward women.” 

Beating his wife was mercy? He likely just meant that he wouldn’t take her against her will, and that was a great mercy indeed for women. Beating wasn’t so heinous, Thomasin supposed, but that didn’t mean she was all right with it.

“What do you care what I think?”

“I don’t. I care about whether or not my peers perceive me as weak, though, and I won’t have a wife who runs after another man anytime he frowns.” His voice remained even but his whole face had gone bright red with anger. “We’re to be wed next week. Once you are mine, I won’t tolerate such behavior. A wife obeys her husband in all things; you will not embarrass me by fawning over a weakling. Should you continue to do so, I won’t hesitate to show you my displeasure. Am I clear?”

The calm with which he spoke was unsettling. God’s truth, Thomasin would have felt better if he shouted. 

Thomasin dipped her head. “I understand, my lord.”

Lawrence’s face returned to its normal color and a smile bloomed across his face. “Good.” He gave Thomasin a peck on the cheek. “Sleep well, my beloved.”

She didn’t notice Elaine and her daughter standing nearby until Elaine called out to her. “Thomasin?” She scurried over to her friend. “Are you all right?” Thomasin swallowed back the lump in her throat and nodded. “Here. Come with me.” She released her grip on Mercia to pull Thomasin around a corner for greater privacy, squeezing her hands reassuringly. “What’s happened?”

Thomasin didn’t realize all the color was gone from her face or that she was quaking like a leaf. “I’m fine.”

“Mamma?” Mercia said.

“A moment, my love,” her mother told her. “She was falling asleep at the table; I was leaving to put her to bed,” she explained to Thomasin. “I didn’t mean to listen in on your conversation.”

“I don’t care about that,” Thomasin said, shaking her head.

“I didn’t hear anything clearly,” Elaine said over her. “I only saw that he was talking to you and the look on your face.”

Mercia wasn’t paying attention to what the women were saying, she only saw the sadness in Thomasin’s eyes. “Why you crying?” she asked, eyebrows knit together. Thomasin noticed for the first time how cherubic the child appeared.

“I’m not crying.” Thomasin honestly didn’t think she was. And she wasn’t really, in that there were no tears, but she certainly looked distressed.

The child wouldn’t accept the non-explanation. “Mamma, why she crying?”

Elaine released her friend’s hands and crouched to look her daughter in the eye. “Go back inside, please. Lady Thomasin and I are speaking. I’ll take you to bed just as soon as we’ve finished.”

“But she sad!” Mercia objected. She looked around. “Where Bear? Bear make you happy. I go find!” She was still upset with Kal for assaulting Batty, but she trusted in his ability to bring joy to others.

“No, no, that’s all right,” Thomasin said with a sniffle. “I don’t want to bother him.” The last thing she needed was for Henry to be involved.

Mercia frowned for a moment before thrusting her doll up toward Thomasin’s face. “Take,” she commanded. “Batty make you feel better.”

Thomasin swallowed again and reached out numb fingers. She couldn’t remember the last time she held a doll. “Thank you.”

“Not for always,” Mercia said, holding up a finger. “You keep just until you feel better.”

“I understand. Thank you.”

Elaine and Mercia walked Thomasin back to her room. Elaine gave Etheldreda some instructions. “Mercia, can Lady Thomasin borrow some of Batty’s magic?”

“Just a little bit,” Mercia agreed.

Elaine smiled in thanks. She tore the doll open just enough to pull out some of the dried lavender, which she instructed Etheldreda to put in hot water for Thomasin to drink. “It will keep you from getting upset. I’ll send along some more herbs to help you rest. And more of Batty’s magic,” she assured her daughter. She turned back to Thomasin. “It won’t seem so bad in the morning. A good night’s sleep always helps.”

“I don’t think I can shut my eyes,” Thomasin said.

Elaine smirked. “Sleeping drafts are my specialty.” She didn’t mention that the drafts were the only thing that kept her from going mad when the Normans arrived. Without them, she’d spend all night staring up at the ceiling, clutching her daughter to her chest, praying for mercy from God and the invaders both. 

She slipped away to put Mercia to sleep while Etheldreda prepared Thomasin for bed she sent a servant back with a pack of herbs for Etheldreda to make a sleeping draft and a handful of lavender to replace Batty’s stuffing.

Thomasin watched the fire flicker until the draft was ready. Etheldreda watched her drink, ensuring she drained every drop. Thomasin wiped her mouth with the back of her wrist.

“Lie down,” said Etheldreda.

Thomasin shuffled down in the bed as her maid drew the covers over her. “Etheldreda, have you ever been married?”

She nodded. “Twice.”

“Did you love your husbands?”

“Oh, yes.”

“Did they ever beat you?”

The old woman frowned. “Peasant women can be lucky on occasion. Sometimes we get to choose our husbands.” She tucked Batty under the covers beside Thomasin. “Shut your eyes and rest.”

“I don’t feel tired,” Thomasin said skeptically. She was asleep moments later.

**

Thomasin woke around noon the following day. She was still in a daze, so she decided to keep to her rooms for the day. She’d go visit Henry once she was feeling better.

Etheldreda drew her a steaming bath to ease her into the waking world. She washed and brushed her mistress’s hair, as there was too much of it for Thomasin to manage on her own. She told little stories about her daughters and granddaughters. She had sons, too, Thomasin thought, but she didn’t talk about them. Thomasin guessed they were killed in the war.

A servant dropped off some bread and cheese so Etheldreda and Thomasin did not need to leave the room for their nooning meal. Thomasin did feel better, she thought as Etheldreda laced the back of her simple gown. 

The servant had only just finished when someone pounded on the door so hard that it shook. “Thomasin!” It was Charlie’s voice.

She pulled the door open, knowing immediately that something bad had happened. “What is it?”

Charlie’s shoulders heaved as he breathed heavily; he’d clearly run from wherever he had been to Thomasin’s room. “Henry’s challenging Lawrence.”

“Today?”

“Now!” Charlie said. “If you want to help him, we must go.”

Thomasin didn’t even stop to put on her slippers. She ran alongside Charlie, damp hair loose and whipping around her. The people they passed looked at her like she’d gone mad. Maybe they thought she was drunk for presenting herself in public like that. Or a strumpet.

They finally reached the throne room.

Charlie shoved the doors open and Thomasin rushed inside. Henry had removed his glove and prepared to throw it down; Thomasin surged forward and managed to grab it out of his hand before he could and careened toward the dais and the king.

She fell so heavily on her knees that she scraped the skin. She’d have awful bruises tomorrow. It didn’t matter.  She stared up at the king with enormous eyes. “Your grace, they can’t fight,” she gasped. “Please don’t let them fight.”

“Thomasin,” Henry snarled.

“There’s no need for them to fight,” Thomasin said over him. She refused to turn and look at him.

William raised an eyebrow. “No need? Does this mean you’ll marry Lawrence willingly?”

“Absolutely not.” Her tone was far too harsh but she prayed William would excuse her given the circumstances. “But – I cannot be his wife. Not truly.”

William asked, “Why?”

Oh, God help her. This stupid, stupid girl. Charlie’s plan might not work but she at least had to try.

“Because. Because I’m not – I’m – I’m not a virgin!”

[angustdtt]

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Summary: The arrogant Dr. Kim Namjoon has gloated of his superior intelligence all his life. Always in the pursuit of his own realization as an inventor one day he finally manages to shape what he believes, is the culmination of his life’s work.

 But at what cost, and under what consequences.

 Now he will be willing to break any barrier in front of him- even putting his own work at risk with only one goal in mind: Power the clock, turn back time and fix the fault.

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TimeTravel!AU | Steampunk!AU

wordCount: 1.7k 

pairing: namjoon x reader(she)

genre: angst| fiction| fluff

triggers: mentions of severe health condition and mentions of death.

tarot cards: the chariot | death

masterlist | Ch 1 - 2 -3 - 4

A Dead Writers Co. Collaboration - Masterpost

Who takes the poison so the other person doesn’t have to?

“Just breathe, ok?”

“Take my hand you’re gonna be fine”

“Somebody help!”

“You are okay! I’m okay, We’ll be okay.”  

“Focus on my heartbeat, just focus on that.”

The dust from the storm hadn't yet settled. The untamed power reverberated and echoed across the barren land. While standing at the top of the gritty hill, it was easy to see over the horizon the big gray upcoming stormy clouds leaving towards the north, and the thunder rolling across the malevolent sky.  

Clenching his fist strong enough to turn his knuckles white he raised the device constricting his wrist to look at it.

‘It’s no use.’ the weary footsteps of the adventurer stopped making a subtle noise while stumping over the dried sand. ‘We can’t chase that storm forever.’ The voices on his head tangled as one by one tried to take control of his actions, to make the venturer stop his mad quest and actually think for a moment. Namjoon cast his eyes to the charcoal sky, his attention held by a golden streak, a crack in the cloud layer where the sun should peek.

“I need the power of that lightning,” the mad-man stepped forward, the decisive weight of his stride leaving a rooted mark over the sand. “I need to make amends for my mistakes.” Without waiting for the storm to break he hurried forward, only paying attention to one thought that conveyed him forward.

Power the clock,

Turn back time,

Fix the fault.

The gods must have felt merciful and obedient after seeing the storm-hunter exhaustive journey.

The only way to escape was to go in the storm. In the middle of the desert, he had nowhere to safeguard from the rippling waves of wind. He had to be fast, otherwise, his risk would be without a point. If he died now then it would all be lost.

Thunder cried out from the blackened sky and a growl so low that would scare the heart of any sane man. Oh, but for Namjoon the more brutal the storm, the more hopeful his heart. He feared not what was ahead, only what was left behind. The brass goggles protected his eyes from the grains of sand biting and leaving marks over his skin. When the rain began to howl and lash the lightning conductor was finally placed firmly, the only thing left to do was connect it to the wrist-watch and pray somehow he'd make it alive to the other side.

Time is of the essence, the dampened sand could potentially ruin everything. But if Doctor Kim Namjoon calculations were correct, the big lightning that gave life once before to his time-jumper ticker was close. And so, he raised his eyes as thunder rumbled and a bolt of lightning cracked the sky in two behind the droplets of rain hitting the goggles. Jagged flashes of pure light cast a glow against the monochromatic background that reached the metal stick settled on the ground. The charge was complete in less than a second, and he pushed the small copper button in the side.

He was left blind by the intense light, but it was only for a few minutes.

There was now no rain, no sand, no storm- but a big dinner table set for two people on a large and elegant hall, outside the oriel window there was healthy green grass as far as the eye could see, and somewhere, on the upstairs floor a waltz played from a gramophone, and the sound of heels moving to the rhythm.

“It worked.”

The water dripping from his long jacket was making a mess once they touched the dainty floor. In haste, he sprinted towards the back of the cottage where the kitchen was- he could use the door leading to the backyard and drop outside his soggy clothes. Namjoon knew very well the handmaiden would be upstairs taking care of dusting the top floor while the miss of the house practicing her dancing so the kitchen would be empty.

While making a beeline for the door and taking off his coat, the rich aroma of something being cooked over the stove beckoned him, triggering so many senses at once that even his tongue circled the edges of his fleshy mouth.

In his trance, he accidentally tripped with a small wooden bench which crashed into a milk bucket, which in turn met with a tall coat rack making a whole domino of pretty noticeable noise.

"Miss Y/n?" called the grating voice heading fast down the stairs. "Miss Y/n is that you, M'lady?"

Without trying to rearrange anything, Namjoon opted to get out the house completely and hide under the kitchen window instead- he had no other chance but to wait until Ms. Hill went away to re-enter afterward.

A stompy pair of steps entered the kitchen. "Good lord," she exclaimed presumably due to the turmoil found.

"Ms. Hill? Oh dear," a softer, calmer voice entered just behind. "Did you fell again, Ms. Hill? Are you okay?" Namjoon's pulse accelerated just by that elegant, tone.

A desperate need formed inside his heart, scorching everywhere. He needed to peek, to see that face he had been chasing after, throughout time, throughout his painful memories. 'It's dangerous.' The voice inside his head warned 'too dangerous.' -and it was right. If Namjoon was discovered outside the window his journey would come to an end. He couldn't meddle, not yet at least—or not like this. He was after all now a mere intruder, still a stranger to both of them.

“It must've been the stupid dog again running about.”

Oh, but the temptation. How much his poor, and lonesome heart missed her. How many days he had cried over her before planning this escapade through time. Not caring for anything else, not even his own life, only to make things right again- to save her.

His legs moved faster and made a choice on the behalf of his head. Chatter was still going inside the kitchen, he can now only pray both women were looking away from the window as his eyes scanned to meet hers.

There is an ache once he is able to see her, something that comes as goes, somewhere between complete blissful happiness and a blackness so deep that devoured every color in the world.

She talked to her handmaiden in the most natural way, because of course, it was.  But for Namjoon her silhouette resembled a photograph. She was there again, present right before his eyes, but in a time where both still haven't met. Where he still hadn't changed her, where he hadn't hurt her to then reassemble again like a toy, so insensible and detached from human emotions as he was before.

“You need to change those clothes, Miss,” Hill mentioned, giving a little nudge to her waltz practice clothes. Namjoon couldn't help but smile, remembering how she absolutely adored that copper-colored striped dress, even if the corset Hill made on her own was a little too tight for her figure. “Chop-chop! Or you’ll miss the tinker’s fair.” she hustled Y/n outside the kitchen.

Namjoon tilted his head, did she just said...tinker?

“It's not a tinker’s fair,” she chuckled rolling her eyes, but with an amused expression. “It's the ‘Age of Steam: Inventors Fair’, Ms. Hill”

“Same difference,” The handmaiden insisted. “It’s just a bunch of old off-their-rocker people showing off their fancy and not  too reliable knick-knacks.”

“Not all of them are-,” she stopped mid-sentence.

Ms. Hill cocked a brow up, crossing her arms over her prominent chest. “You were saying, Miss?” she taunted.

“Nevermind.” she turned around and began walking away.

“Was the lady about to mention... Dr. Kim Namjoon?”

From his hiding spot Namjoon opened his eyes wide at the mention of his name, he traced the steps and watched as the two ladies left for the front part of the cottage. 

His curiosity kicked: Why was she trying to dismiss it? Did she knew him?

A little more dare wouldn't be dangerous, right? So Namjoon took the opportunity to stealthily move under the windows to where they both had went, his eagerness to powerful to be countered. His ears perked up trying to locate from under the windowpane her voice.

“I’m simply saying Dr. Kim Namjoon is a well-respected member of the inventor's society,” she argued, with a much more deliberate and conscious form of speaking.

“...A dapper young member,” Hill inserted.

She gulped a visible blush forming at her delicate cheeks, whilst she continued speaking voice trembling just a little. “ And I do not think he deserves to be under the same light as other, less-respected, members of the socie-”

“Just go and get changed, Miss. The Chariot will get here in an hour.” Hill interrupted after giving a look at the father clock on the center of the living room.

“Yep, I’ll do that.” She let out relieved of the interruption, that hard and stern washing away from her face while darting to the top floor where her room was.

So it was a lie when you assured never to have heard of me before. he thought remembering specifically the first time both met. After the—

“Welcome to the aether!” Namjoon entered the big, ornate, waiting room greeting with a prideful smile that grace his features.

A figure, sitting by the massive windows, gazed at the flourishing gardens beyond the tinted glass. She didn't turned her head at the sudden interruption.

“My humble home.” Namjoon continued speaking while he strode across the room, coat-tails swingin behind him with his every step.

Stopping right in front the wheelchair he towered the girl sitting on it. Her whole body still wrapped around in meters of bandage and patches of gauze. Her dead eyes reflected the green of the garden. They seemed without soul, so voided of emotion that Namjoon couldn't help but to think they fitted perfectly what she was now- an incredible biological contraption- a machine so exquisite -so rare- so formidable and beautifully strong that saved her life at the very door of death.

The project that promise, his name to endure through history. The very first fusion between human and automaton- The everlasting White Rose.

[ladyloveandjustice]

Winter 2018 Anime Overview: Devilman Crybaby and The Ancient Magus Bride

(the weird symbols in place of punctuation will go away if you click on read more. sorry I cannot fix them).

It’s that time of the season! Time to look back on the anime I watched over the Winter 2018 season and give my thoughts on them. We’ve got at least five anime to get through here. l start out with the two that gave me the most conflicted feelings.

Devilman Crybaby

Devilman Crybaby is a 10-episode anime adaptation of Go Nagai’s 70s manga Devilman, revamped for a modern audience. It was released all at once on Netflix. The story follows a young man named Akira Fudo, a Nice Young Man (tm). His childhood friend Ryo gets him involved in hunting demons and he ends up merging with one! He becomes Devilman, a demon who retains his good human heart. With Ryo at his side, he vows to use his powers for justice and fight the bad demons.

I...watched this for some reason, and I pretty much already did a review  (beware spoilers) and covered my thoughts on it in my liveblog. I didn’t come out exactly a fan of the show overall, but it was an interesting experience at least. I had a fun time looking into the weird history of the franchise and with all the memes. Devilman Crybaby is based on a old, influential manga and there’s a good breakdown of some of the smart adaptation choices the series made here. Probably the thing that a lot of people in my circle talking about it the most is it’s EXTREMELY queer, and while the representation is a mixed bag to say the least, it makes an effort.

Overvall, there’s some cool concepts and arcs in this series, such as the the depictions of Satan and God.There’s also some neat animation and aesthetics, but plotwise it’s uneven with the first half being very weak in the pacing department and the characters were not explored as much as I’d like.

There’s also a lot of badly handled and salaciously framed sexual assault junk as well as gross, exploitative framing of women’s bodies while mens’ bodies are largely left alone. The tired way it deals with sexuality is really boring and standard when you get down to it, rather than “shocking” like it tries to be.

What i really got out of it was I will keep the doomed queer lady couple and carry them in my heart along with the other gay stuff and I will laugh at how Extra Ryo is forever, but in the long run, not much else is memorable and will stick with me.

The Ancient Magus Bride (Episodes 14-22)

Read my review of the first half of the Ancient Magus Bride here!

Hoo boy. There is a lot to unpack with this one. I am going to get pretty detailed with my analysis here, so major spoilers. The TLDR version is: good stuff with Chise’s mom, bad ending episode, read the manga.

Let’s start with the good. We see Chise grow a lot as a character during this second half of the series and there’s a really nice focus on her forming friendships with girls closer to her age. The series shows her building a life outside Elias for herself and she becomes more self-possessed. She and Elias have a lot to teach each other, and they have some refreshingly honest conversations.

The series also doesn’t shy away from depicting Chise’s trauma and shows her grappling with it a lot.. She still places a very low value on herself and feels guilty for relying on others, and Elias calls her out on that. She’s taking steps forward, slowly. Episode 22, probably the strongest episode of the series, deals with the issues she has with her mother and her backstory and there are a ton of cool things there

Chise’s mother attracted monsters in a way similar to Chise does, and when her husband abandoned her, she struggled to both support and protect herself and Chise. It was near impossible task considering all the things trying to kill them and her desperation eventually led to a complete breakdown, where she tried to strangle Chise and lessen her burden. When she snapped out of it, she was so horrified at what she’d done, she committed suicide.

Chise takes a deep dive into her memories and comes to the realization the “mother” that has haunted her all this time was a version of her mother she herself constructed in her head based on her mother’s worst moment, a mother who wants her dead. But her mother didn’t actually want that in the end, otherwise she wouldn’t have let go of Chise or hated herself for what she did. Her mother, like any human, was not just one emotion or one moment, she was a fragile and flawed person who really did care for Chise before she broke down. Chise recognizes that now.

But, and this is the key, and what really made this episode work for me: Chise explicitly does not forgive her mother. Her mother is complex and more than just that one act, but that doesn’t mean that one act can be overlooked, or is any less scarring for Chise. She crossed a line that cannot be uncrossed, and Chise doesn’t have to forgive that to move on. Her mother abandoned her and now she has a new life. She chooses not to let her mothers actions define her.

I really enjoyed that. It’s true the images we construct in our heads are different from the real people we interact with, who are more complex, and the way this episode explores that is cool. One important moment can define the version of that person we keep in our hearts. And this episodes message that you can recognize someone who abused you as a complex and even pitiful person and still not forgive them. The most important thing is to move forward. A lot of stories wouldn’t have handled this sequence that deftly. The narrative sympathizes with Chise’s mother, but it doesn’t excuse her and neither does Chise herself.

But hey, speaking of abuse and narratives glossing over it! Let’s talk about Elias.

So you know all those female friendships Chise’s having and how she’s like, getting a life outside Elias? Elias is not okay with that. In fact, he’s SO possessiv he threatens Chise’s life at one point- she has to threaten to hurt herself to get him to stop squeezing her. It’s pointed out that Elias is like a child, which is true enough- he’s very new to feelings and interacting with people. But the excuse “oh it’s because he’s like a child” is eerily reminiscent of how abusers are excused in real life- “he can’t control himself, he’s just throwing tantrums”. Abusers are often babied in this way.

The idea Chise is obligated to “mother” him and teach him basic morality and self control even at risk to herself is a dangerous one. Nobody should be expected to do that, much less a traumatized teen. Yet Chise instantly forgives Elias for nearly killing her, when she clearly needs to get out of this relationship before she is harmed more, because this behavior can only worsen.

And I actually don’t have a problem with this for most of the narrative- because it’s not romanticized  It is clearly a mistake that Chise indulges Elias’s behavior because, realistically, it escalates.

Chise’s days are numbered thanks to a curse and he promises Chise he’ll work with her to solve the problem. But he goes back on his word and tries to sacrifice another human to save Chise. He even goes so far as to make Chise faint to keep her from interfering, utterly denying her agency. And the kicker is he chooses to kill the a little girl Chise has befriended for this, explicitly because he’s jealous that Chise “looks at her” differently that she does him. He is literally so possessive he’s willing to kill children Chise dares pay any attention to.

it’s unbelievably fucked up, and the narrative treats it as such. It also make it clear this is the natural result of how toxic this relationship has gotten. Chise arrives in time to stop Elias and her sheer horror and rage is very powerfully done. For the first time, she sees him for how selfish and dangerous he is, how much he doesn’t respect her wishes and their relationship is broken. In a powerful (and satisfying) moment, she slugs him in the face.

Then she leaves him, stating “I can’t be with you as you are now.” Her rage and pain is the central focus here. And I have no problem with the narrative- it depicts an abusive relationship without endorsing it. It shows how these things can escalate, and it shows that Chise has very much outgrown Elias.

There’s a good scene shortly after where the fey tell Elias to take Chise back by force, as is their fairy way, and he says no, he needs to try to understand how humans work and change how he does things. That’s some really interesting stuff- the supernatural beings have their own entirely different way of approaching "love”, and Elias was entrenched in that. But now he has to learn how to love in a more honest, less possessive way, like a human is supposed to. That would be a really interesting journey to see- I love contrasting morality systems between various magical beings.

So,    It’s no longer a good idea for Chise and Elias to be near each other. Chise needs her space from him and Elias needs to seriously change and make amends.

I fully expected this to be how the anime ends. With Elias and Chise seperating and the promise that they will both be able to grow and change and learn to be without each other. And probably a hint that they’d reunite eventually, when Elias has truly changed (not just SAID he will). It seemed to be the natural arc of the narrative and honestly what these two characters NEEDED to really progress.

But the anime said “fuck character development, fuck healthy relationships, fuck pacing, fuck everything” and threw the arc it had been carefully building out the window.

In an extremely rushed and jarring final epsiode, Chise does a dangerous thing and asks for Elias’s help and he complies and...thus she instantly forgives him. Despite the whole thing being treated as a huge deal, suddenly this very real issue of their toxic relationship is forgotten, she goes back to him and their disagreement is treated as nothing more than a cute spat (with Elias claiming Chise is equally at fault because she acted on her own without waiting for him once, proving he has learned NOTHING  and does not understand the severity of what he did and how it is in no way equivalent to Chise simply being reckless), they even turn chibi.

THIS IS AN ARGUMENT OVER HOW ELIAS TRIED TO MURDER A CHILD CHISE LIKED OUT OF PETTY JEALOUSY. IT’S A BIG DEAL. DON’T TRY TO MAKE IT SOME CUTE AND SILLY THING WHEN YOU TREATED IT SERIOUSLY THREE EPISODES AGO.

Oh, but it gets worse. Elias and Chise resolve their argument offscreen and apparently it’s all solved by Elias saying he won’t do it again. Yep. That’s it. No demonstration he’s changed or even understands why his actions are wrong. It’s just “I won’t do things you don’t like”. Problem solved!

And the Chise does what any girl would do after a guy broke her heart and tried to murder her ten year old friend: get a wedding dress and make her vows to him!

No. i’m not joking. As much as I wish it was.

And this scene is not framed as creepy or dangerous. It is framed as sweet and romantic.

Let’s put aside the fact Chise is 16. Let’s put aside the huge power imbalance in their relationship and the fact Chise is in his care. Even putting those things, this makes no sense from a narrative and characterization perspective

Elias has done nothing to warrant Chise wanting the make this step! He literally just betrayed her! There was absolutely no buildup to this, no natural relationship progression! Elias and Chise are both in no way ready to be in a romantic relationship! Elias proved he isn’t emotionally equipped to function as FRIEND and reasonable being right now, much less a husband! Does he even know what a bride is? Last time we checked, he didn’t even understand the concept fully! He has no idea what he’s supposed to do as a husband. Why would Chise choose NOW of all times to make her move when he’s done nothing to show her he won’t pull shit like, i dunno, trying to murder her friends because he’s jealous, again?

This is so tonally jarring with the rest of the series and it comes out of nowhere. It seemed fundamentally opposed to how the relationship between Chise and her mom was handled, where moving away from abuse and letting go of your abuser was emphasized. Where not excusing horrible actions and taking time to fully deal with your hurt and pain was emphasized. Apparently none of that applies to Elias! No time apart, no time to process and heal and have him take responsibility for his actions!

It’s also just terrible from a narrative perspective- it’s ridiculously rushed, it’s a complete tone shift that treats what was presented as a big dramatic conflict that seemed like it would shake these characters at their foundation as a an easily resolved cute little spat, it fails to be satisfying as a conclusion. Compared to the rest of the show, it feels like it was written by an entirely different person.

And it was. I immediately went to check if this whole conclusion was anime original and yep. This is where it overtook the manga. This ep was the shitty, rushed conclusion they tacked on to a story line that really, really needed more time to breathe. I have no idea why they’d want to do this, why they couldn’t just wait for the manga to finish this arc and end the anime there, but here we are.

I hope the manga will have a more satisfying conclusion to this storyline, that it will give the resolution the room it needs. Ideally, I’d like Chise to live apart from Elias for at least a while. She’s grown a lot, and she needs space to grow further and learn how to function without him. They’ve gotten dangerously codependent and it’s stifling her. Meanwhile, Elias especially needs to learn how to not treat Chise so possessively and taking time apart from her and respecting her wishes to be left alone would help him learn to do that. He needs to work on himself so he isn’t a danger to her. If they stay together right now, things will only get worse.

The manga is about their relationship, so I have no doubt they’ll eventually reunite, but I want to see it happen only after Elias proves he’s changed significantly and after Chise is allowed to become more confident and independent. I hope the manga delivers on that and tells a satisfying story where the characters actually grow, that treats the issue of abuse and toxic relationships seriously, that gels with the stuff that came before.

Of course, there was other stuff going on in the midst of Chise and Elias’ emotional journeys. We learned the Cartaphilus backstory and it was actually pretty interesting stuff. it fully explored exactly how horrific it would be to wander the earth and never die- Cartaphilus was being punished for a crime that was so long ago he couldn’t even remember what it was. When he finds out it was “threw a rock at the Son of God” he’s like “wtf just for that? other people did way worse shit!” and you have to agree with him. It also offers the ishiness of using Cartaphilus as an antagonist a bit by making it clear he only started killing after fusing with a boy named Joseph. In fact, the Cartaphilus part of Joseph seems mostly benign as he was the one who tried to talk to Chise.

So it’s a compelling take on an old story. Lots of parallels are made between him and Chise, he’s a great antagonist thematically. The conclusion...well like everything in the last episode, it was rushed, weird, and I couldn’t really tell what was going on. Hopefully the manga's version will be better.

I enjoyed a lot of this anime- the rich fantasy world, the exploration of trauma, the complex characters- but the last episode was just so infuriatingly BAD that it damaged the narrative as whole. It undid and contradicted most of the positive things about the story. It just left me feeling skeeved out.

So in the end, I don’t recommend this anime. Because you’re better off reading the manga. I went through it, and it was better paced than the anime overall, has many details that strengthen the story and the emotional beats hit much harder. Watching the anime can be a confusing experience at times, but the manga is much easier to follow. I feel pretty confident based off this that however the manga wraps up the current arc, it will at the very least be slightly better paced and executed. So be kind to yourself, and go with the better version of the story if you’re interested in this. And cross your fingers for a good ending.

[bfgoodridge]

To Be Known for Love

Gathered together at Washington National Cathedral were former presidents, senators, ambassadors, and officers from each branch of the United States military. Each was in attendance to pay tribute to the late Senator John McCain – a colleague, a one-time rival, a veteran, father and friend. It was a time to remember his courage, his leadership and contributions. As President Barak Obama joked, John McCain was getting the last laugh by having Obama and President George W. Bush say nice things about him. But as daughter Meghan McCain highlighted, this was a time to remember him for his love.

The word love may seem out of place in the world of presidents and politicians. How can love exist in the days of unrelenting partisanship and tweeted personal attacks? Throughout the 24-hour news cycles we are constantly reminded of the disagreements between our elected officials. All of it can seem immature and ill-mannered, leaving us with a sense of hopelessness.

It would be a mistake to believe that this lack of love and civility exists only on Capitol Hill. We can bring the concern to our own board rooms, cubicles and dinner tables. I doubt it would be hard for anyone reading this to think of one person they are not on good terms with either now or previously. There is the coworker who is more of a disrupter, the friend who acts like our enemy, or the significant other who has become a stranger. It is not hard to notice a lack of love whether it is in Washington or our own backyard.

An interesting things happens, though, when people come together to pay their respects when someone they know passes away. The disagreements are over. The pain lessened or healed. The bad memories are not mentioned, and only the good ones are remembered. In moments like these, we can sometimes wait until a person is gone before a good word is said about them.

A lack of love in our life, a lack of peace and maturity can get the better of us. We fuel conflict. We let hatred and opposition take root. Gossip takes over. I’m right, you’re wrong. Why should I lift you up when I could put you down? Why should I say put the past behind me? Why should I try to make amends?

The Bible is not without examples of those who spent more time in conflict than in harmony. Cain killed his brother Abel because God accepted his sacrifice. Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery because they hated him and his dreams. Jezebel wanted Elijah dead because he proved Baal was not God. Kings Saul and Solomon tried to kill those who God had appointed to take their place on the throne. And the religious leaders of Jesus’ day got Him killed because He was a threat to their power.

But what if Cain had stopped and asked Abel for help in serving God faithfully? What if Jezebel had considered that Elijah was right? What if instead of trying to kill David, Saul had reflected on he might return to the presence of the One who made him king? What if the religious leaders had taken the time to know that Jesus was the Son of God?

We can spend a lifetime in conflict only to see how little it all mattered in the end. What if we put more work into love? What if we worked for something better? What if we kept our differences and stubbornness from destroying us? We cannot wait for the good things to be said about us at the end of our life. We have to remind ourselves that we can be better – that we have to be better.

“For John (McCain) and me, there was a personal journey,” said President Bush at McCain’s memorial service. “Our hard-fought political history. Back in the day, he could frustrate me. And I know he would say the same thing about me. But he also made me better… If we are ever tempted to forget who we are, to grow weary of our cause, John’s voice will always come as a whisper over our shoulder: We are better than this. America is better than this.”

Now is not a time to simply remember love. Now is the time to show love. Now is the time to be better – to be known for love and not hate.

[l-o-v-e-l-e-t-t-e-r-s]

I wanted to put some quotes here that I have accumulated over the years and kept in various random folders on my computer which I found helpful sometimes:

Waiting and not knowing is a large part of life.

Often, what we fear doesn’t happen in the end.

We all have our flaws; everyone is on a journey.

Expect to get things wrong and to mess things up at times.

A good and trusted friend truly is a gift and treasure.

Treat yourself and others with kindness and respect.

Be patient in your struggles as they teach important lessons.

Believe you have the grit to create the life you want. 

Don't make someone your priority when you are just an option.

This year I’ve had a lot of criticisms and I’m quite sensitive and it made me always feel angry and offended, but it also made me doubt myself and my abilities and as a result felt caged and wasn’t moving forward in life. I’ve had to step back, and just do what I like, and not care about what others think of me. Whatever you do, people are always going to criticise, especially when it comes to the creative stuff and being yourself, let them complain into nothingness, because it doesn’t matter. I do what I love and its not for you.

What a wonderful thought it is that some of the best days of our lives haven’t happened yet.

nostalgia is a liar. nothing was ever as good as you remember it to be. there’s a reason you don’t talk to that person anymore, there’s a reason you’re not part of each other’s lives. don’t trust nostalgia. grieve. reflect. move on.

when I see someone being a success, I think “that’s awesome” instead of “wish it were me

I think at the beginning everyone is scared and worried, it’s a natural feeling because you are putting something very personal on the internet, for everyone to see! I very much understand what you’re talking about because it was the same with me and sometimes I still feel that way, I am basically always worried about various things ahah! But I’d say, if you are forever blocked by your fears then you’d never achieve your dreams or goals, it might be difficult sometimes but most of the time I am sure you will enjoy creating something and trying to build your own brand or shop will be amazing <3 I hope you will overcome this and that you’ll start the adventure soon!

Life goes really quick and you’ll be dead soon. Don’t waste your time on this planet not wearing the clothes you want to wear, not doing the things you want to do, not eating the food you want to eat, not asking the people you’re crushing on out, not taking the job opportunities you want to take. Don’t waste your time comparing yourself to other people, don’t waste your time measuring your achievements against other people’s, don’t waste your time trying to live up to someone else’s expectations, stop caring about other people’s opinions, surround yourself with people who love you and make you feel the best about yourself, cut out all negativity remorselessly. 

Do you feel out of touch with reality? Like you're just going through the motions of living but you dont feel like it is you living it? I call these my moments in the fog, I drive and get to my destination without even knowing how! It is a very very hard thing to overcome, if you dont keep some friends these feelings will get worse! You will pull away from reality more and more and thats not good! I know its hard but try to keep atleast a few friends some type of human contact. Or the reality fading will worsen for sure! So I agree with everyone that tells you to keep friends! The FOG will over take your life if you let it!

First, it’s never your place to take on someone else’s problems as your own. So accept the fact right now that you can’t save anyone from themselves. This isn’t a movie or a tv show, things don’t wrap up neatly at the end just because someone comes along to say the Right Thing.

Generally speaking, it's better to not force things that are clearly not working out. People grow apart sometimes, it's sad but it happens, and it's better to let go and move on than to hold on to a relationship that is drifting apart.

please remember that in a healthy, adult relationship (romantic or not), you should be able to talk about things that are bothering you. if you are bottling up your emotions and holding it against someone when you haven’t told them what is wrong, you’re not engaging in healthy behaviour. but also, if your friend/significant other makes you feel as though you can’t talk about what bothers you- i.e. has made you feel guilty/gotten extraordinarily angry when things were brought up in the past- they are not engaging in healthy behaviour.

I think you have a wrong view of those happy happy girls. Many people choose to stay positive in life eventhough they experience setbacks or simply live life with a happy mask. Everyone(!) experiences setbacks, problems and/or sadness in their lives. Sure some more than others but it's wrong to assume that girls who are seemingly happy don't have a care in the world. You don't know what happens behind closed doors, in their private lives. You don't know what they choose not to tell.

maybe it's best to sit down and analyze yourself, how you come off and who you attract as friends. Anyone who wants new friends should do this.

Part of kawaii culture is about embracing the style you like and going against the grind! It's important that you remind yourself that you will stand out from the crowd and you will get stares, but try to treat that as a positive thing- you are interesting, different and cute! You are showing you have the bravery to express yourself the way you want, and anybody that scorns you for doing so is not worth your time of day. The more confidence you have, the better you will look.

Ask yourself: “What was my part in it?”Were you insensitive, uncaring or not thinking? If you made a mistake, used bad judgment, or did something hurtful to a friend, do some soul searching. Reflecting on the error of your ways can bring much needed insight and thoughtfulness to the situation.

Make amends. The fastest way to stop a friendship from derailing is saying “I’m sorry.” Take responsibility for your part. Even if you think your friend is being irrational or oversensitive, don’t invalidate their feelings or get defensive. Take the high road and be the bigger person. Conversely, if YOU’VE been wronged, accept their apologies, and quickly get back to the business of being friends.

Let go. If you’ve apologized like hell and there are still hard feelings, then it’s time to walk away. Don’t hold grudges, don’t grovel, don’t wait. Just send your ex-friend off with love and move forward with the friends you already have. “I don’t get mad, I don’t get even, I don’t cross you off my list. I don’t give it energy. I just make the decision to walk away, and I don’t look back.”

I hate to use this tired cliche, but what will help is if you lower your expectations from not only others, but yourself as well. Expect others not to rob or kill you, but as far being understood completely by others that may never happen. At least the way you want it to. A lot of my problems, at the core anyway, was that I desperately wanted people to see things the way I saw them, because I certainly tried to do the same, and I am usually able to. But like us, most people fumble their way through life without ever understanding themselves why they are the way they are in the first place, so how can I ask from them what they can't even give themselves.I guess all I'm really saying is cut yourself and others some slack. Sometimes just having someone to talk and interact with is enough to get you through the day even if they have no idea what your talking about.

You have to accept that as humans we have no control over our past, but absolute control over our future. If you're uncomfortable with your past you're going to spend a lot of time running away from it, but running away from this kind of stuff is like running on a treadmill; you end up moving neither forward nor backward. You also need to try lying down, playing some nice ambient music or some shit and actually try confronting yourself about your past actions.

I get sick of tumblr’s version of self care, which 90% of the time threads into this beautifully: go pet a fuzzy cute animal! pile up your favorite blankets from childhood and watch disney movies! take a nap! play a game from this list of cute soothings games! More realistically: go take a shower because it’s been three days. Wash the dishes that have been in the sink since last Friday that you can smell as soon as you open your door because rotting food stinks. Pick all your clothes off the floor because that’s where your entire wardrobe is and you’ve already cried today because you tripped over a sweater and realized the cat puked on it. Call someone who can give you enough courage to pay that bill you’ve been ignoring. Put away the crackers because that’s all you’ve eaten for two days straight. Apologize to the friends who are worried sick about you, and if you can’t at least let them know you are ok and need space. One of the most empowering types of self-care is responsibility, but tumblr just wants to sit in a closet strung with fairy lights and read their favorite fic.  “Cute” self-care for “cute” mental issues. That’s not reality.

Gray Rock is primarily a way of encouraging a psychopath, a stalker or other emotionally unbalanced person, to lose interest in you. It differs from No Contact in that you don’t overtly try to avoid contact with these emotional vampires. Instead, you allow contact but only give boring, monotonous responses so that the parasite must go elsewhere for his supply of drama. When contact with you is consistently unsatisfying for the psychopath, his mind is re-trained to expect boredom rather than drama. Psychopaths are addicted to drama and they can’t stand to be bored. With time, he will find a new person to provide drama and he will find himself drawn to you less and less often. Eventually, they just slither away to greener pastures. Gray Rock is a way of training the psychopath to view you as an unsatisfying pursuit — you bore him and he can’t stand boredom. 

If there is anything that gives my cold, cynical heart comfort it's that in the grand scheme of things I don't matter, nothing matters, we're all just chaotic seconds in everlasting entropy.

[njawaidofficial]

'Game of Thrones': Hound Story Season 7 Hints

http://styleveryday.com/2017/07/19/game-of-thrones-hound-story-season-7-hints/

'Game of Thrones': Hound Story Season 7 Hints

[Warning: This story contains spoilers for the season seven premiere of HBO’s Game of Thrones, “Dragonstone.”]

Heading into the season premiere, who could have predicted so much screen time for the Hound? After all, Rory McCann’s cynical Sandor Clegane only very recently returned to Game of Thrones after more than a year away from the series. In season four, Brienne of Tarth (Gwendoline Christie) beat Clegane almost to death, and Arya (Maisie Williams) left him to rot on the side of a mountain (imagine that), all but finishing the job.

But the job wasn’t finished: Clegane rose from the ashes in season six, having spent the past season and change focusing on change. He was still the same man in terms of vulgar language and brute strength, but his days of hurting and killing all obstacles in his path were at an end… until a group of bandits came along and murdered all of the people in Clegane’s new life, leading him back to his old one. Luckily, the regression didn’t last long. Clegane meted out appropriate levels of justice alongside the Brotherhood Without Banners, a group he hadn’t seen since he killed Beric Dondarrion (Richard Dormer) in season three. Of course, that death didn’t stick. Not only is Beric still alive, he offers the Hound a role within the Brotherhood, who are on their way north for a very important mission.

“Cold winds are rising in the north,” says the Lightning Lord. “Good and bad, young and old. The things we’re fighting will destroy them all alike. You can still help a lot more than you’ve harmed.”

The Hound might have trouble buying into that last part, but thanks to the fires of prophecy, he knows all too well about the rising cold winds. Here’s a closer look at the powerful prophecy scene, and what it might mean for the Hound, the Brotherhood and more as the season moves forward.

The Prophet

First of all, season seven isn’t the Hound’s first brush with prophecy. Back in season four, when he first encountered the farmhouse that houses him in season seven, Clegane gets into a big fight with Arya over his brutal treatment of the farmer. He defends his actions by making a prediction about the farmer: “He’s a good man, his daughter makes a nice stew, and they’ll both be dead come winter.” How’s that for a guess? It doesn’t actually mean the Hound is and always has been prophetic, but the sad irony of that long ago prediction shouldn’t be looked over now.

The Gravedigger

Before digging in a little bit deeper, let’s begin with some digging. The scene in which the Hound buries the farmer and his daughter is a powerful one, but it’s also an Easter egg for fans of George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire novels on which Thrones is based. In the fourth book, Brienne visits a place called the Quite Isle, where she sees a large man digging a grave. Readers long suspected this man was the Hound, and the events of season six, while different from the events of the book, more or less confirmed the theory. The season seven premiere makes it official: Sandor Clegane is the gravedigger. “It was a wonderful moment,” McCann previously told THR about the wink-and-nod.

The Dead

There’s added weight with the dead man and his daughter, in how it echoes the Hound’s own past. When he first visited this farm, he was traveling alongside Arya. As much as he would be reluctant to admit it, the Hound grew close with Arya over the course of their travels. In losing against Brienne and coming so close to death’s door, the Hound felt he failed Arya, and when she abandoned him moments later, it must have felt like the final twist of the knife in an already painfully lonely existence. Of course, it wasn’t the final twist of the knife, since the Hound is still very much alive. But in revisiting the farm, the Hound is somewhat metaphorically able to pay respects to how he failed his own daughter figure of sorts.

The Mountain

The Hound’s vision of the future includes the sight of “a mountain,” which is a very loaded term, given the nickname for the other Clegane brother. For years, fans have been hyping up a final showdown between the brothers, affectionately known as the Clegane Bowl. The fact that both characters are still alive (or alive-ish) on the show only further fuels the hype, as does any slight trace of foreshadowing. So while Sandor probably isn’t seeing the Mountain in the flames, the mention of a mountain is at the very least A-level trolling of the audience, if not a wink and nod toward the battle we all want to see.

The War

Speaking of battles, the Hound finally sees through the fires what Beric and Thoros (Paul Kaye) have been warning him about: cold winds rising in the north, and a great battle right where the Wall meets the sea. The place he describes sounds an awful lot like Eastwatch by the Sea, the same unfortified castle that Jon Snow (Kit Harington) sent Tormund Giantsbane (Kristofer Hivju) and the wildlings to take over. Previews for season seven have shown scenes of a deadly battle in the snow involving Jon, Tormund, and at least Beric (and his flaming sword), if not the whole Brotherhood. The building blocks for that frosty fight are now firmly in place, thanks to Jon’s orders to Tormund and the Hound’s vision of the future.

The Purpose

“Clegane, we’re here for a reason. The Lord of Light is keeping Beric alive for a reason. He gave a failed drunk priest the power to bring him back for a reason. We’re part of something larger than ourselves.”

Thoros spoke those words in season six, and they have only become more resonant since the Hound’s look into his fiery future. There’s no doubt that he crossed paths with the Brotherhood for a reason. Heck, there’s little doubt that the Lord of Light gave the Hound the power to kill Beric once before for a reason. These three men are intertwined somehow. The only question is… well, how? 

As it regards Beric, we have a prediction for what’s happening next: the Lightning Lord will sacrifice himself to save Jon Snow, whose instrumental role in the great war can’t end until the whole song and dance of ice and fire is over. For Thoros and the Hound, are their purposes as simple as assuring Beric remains alive long enough to save Jon? Will they somehow give up their own lives in order to protect the King in the North, or to otherwise hold down the fort (if not the door) and stop the White Walkers from bypassing the Wall?

There’s a fatalistic quality about the Brotherhood’s journey. It feels like the final ride for Beric at the very least, if not also for Thoros and the Hound. But at least as far as Clegane goes, perhaps there’s more life in him yet. Perhaps he’s being driven north so he can one day make amends with Arya, not to mention Sansa (Sophie Turner), with whom he shares history as well. Is the Hound destined to give his life saving humanity from the White Walker threat, or is destiny pulling him north so he can find redemption in serving alongside House Stark for the rest of his days? If only we had a magical fire we could peer into for all the answers.

Watch the video below for the Game of Thrones cast’s preview of season seven’s battles.

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