#the kind of rage caused by something that left you traumatized and you just can't stop thinking about how unfair it was

[tagerrkix]

rage.

[meow-b1tch-blog]

Hot take but

It isn't that vlad is evil

He's just so stupidly traumatized, depressed, angry, just upset in multiple ways-

His best friend, whom he'd trusted with his everything sent him to the hospital, his best friend stole the woman vlad cherished and adored during college, they got married WITHOUT him, they had children while he can't have his own due to the one woman he'd loved so much with all of his heart get taken from him, he was left to rot in the hospital. Alone and terrified of what was going on(more than likely lost alot of sleep) and the trauma from all of this(or trauma in general) could really mess up somebody's mind in more ways than one. I know vlad was kind of stupid for putting his face directly in front of the ghost portal but not everyone thinks before they do something until it's too late— like we're all guilty of that. Especially when something is turned on without our knowledge of it BEING turned on. None of them knew it was going to just blast vlad in the face like that, I know but that's not the point.

The point is vlad had all of this done to him by jack alone(yes i know other people believe vlad is just as much to blame) but we're talking about the past, not now. Vlad is smart, he can come up with things on a whim, he can create CLONING devices ffs, has the literal intelligence to create a fully functioning hologram of maddie who literally made a jack program(im assuming cause ain't no way vlad made it) herself, etc.

But due to everything that has happened, he can't be or act like a regular person ever again. All of that at once was too much from the two people he'd trusted most and it broke him entirely. Around jack, he acts like he usually did in college. But inside, he gets hit with flashbacks that would usually trigger a panic attack but every time he sees jack, it causes rage instead.

Jack has everything vlad ever wanted yet never got. And as episodes continued, vlads usual facade was slowly fading to reveal how the accident really made him because his mind was slipping more and more until he'd snapped at jack during phantom planet. Yet instead of getting vlad any sort of help that he desperately needed, jack left him to rot in space. Where(without AGIT) he more than likely was killed by the 'Disasteroid' which, I remind you, is harmful for ghosts to touch.

[semiotomatics]

clouds' healthcare journey, pt. 2

so for anyone who remembers the post I made recently abt me chronicling my healthcare journey (which I ended up deleting in a fit of utter rage and despair a couple days ago, you'll understand why shortly), you'll be pleased to know I finally managed to get an appt at a local clinic on wednesday. if you wanna hear how it went, it's below the cut:

so I spent literally hours beforehand going over my symptoms, their triggers, the exact nature and severity of the pain they put me in, laying it all out on a timeline and rehearsing how I would explain it so that the dr would actually listen to me. I knew exactly what I wanted to ask/demand and what I wanted them to provide. I was shaking, I was so terrified, but I was also the tiniest bit hopeful. I felt so much more prepared than any other time I'd gone to see someone, I figured I had at least a chance of getting somewhere this time.

nope. I don't know that I've ever met a more dismissive, less sympathetic dr. I started out explaining about my recent injury and he immediately cut me off and asked if it was a work injury or not, and if so, if I reported it. I got flustered explaining that the injury was only part of the problem, that this has been a chronic issue for years, and he was like "oh, well you can only claim workers comp if it's a new injury". that's not?? what I asked?? but okay.

I tried to explain my situation but he barely let me get a word in. I mentioned I had pain in my lower back potentially caused by my scoliosis and he had me stand up and do a ROM test, then he did the scoliosis-check-by-feel and was like "who diagnosed you with it" and I was like "I have x-rays" and he was like "well it's very mild, also your ROM is fine" and I was like OKAY, ALSO NOT THE POINT OF MY VISIT.

so at this point I was getting v upset and flustered and thrown off track. we sit back down and he starts explaining how "back/foot pain is very normal, you're young, you need to exercise to prevent it" and starts talking abt physio. I cut him off and say "I've tried physio, it didn't help" which is an oversimplification tbf but I didn't want him to just refer me to physio and call it a day. then he explains "well it's not going to fix it you have to keep going" and I snapped at him (cause I was getting VERY upset by this point) "I don't want to have to go to physio for the rest of my life". also at some point, I don't remember where, he was like "also maybe lose some weight" at which point I just saw red.

holding back tears, I told him "this is not normal, I have been in debilitating pain almost every day of my life, I know other people my age and weight and they don't experience this, other people don't have to go to physio every week, something is wrong with me". he just kind of sighed and said "what do you want" and I said "I want to be tested I want to be diagnosed I want to find out what's wrong with me and I want to know if it can be fixed and how".

he started talking about how he can't just refer me to a specialist he has to do tests first, blah blah blah, and I was like "so do the tests!!" so he started writing a prescription? thingy for me to get x-rays and by that point, even though getting x-rays was one of my goals for the appt, I felt utterly defeated. I took the slip and barely said another word to him before I left.

I sobbed the entire walk home, and then I sobbed myself to sleep. I was being crushed by the weight of what, at the time, felt like an inevitability: that I would never get help, I would never be fixed, I would be in pain for the rest of my life and nobody would even believe me if I tried to explain it. the thought of having to fight tooth and nail just to have my pain be acknowledged was too much for me. I already had to fight my own anxiety, and our broken healthcare system, just to get an appointment, and all it ended up doing was traumatizing me even more. so what's the fucking point of even trying.

anyway, I feel marginally better now. I still have the referral for an x-ray that I do intend to go through with, though I'm desperately hoping I don't have to go back to that dr to discuss the results. luckily there's dozens of clinics around that I can go to, though hopefully it won't take dozens of appointments to find a dr who's sympathetic and competent at their job. it sucks absolute ass, but I'm not giving up yet. stay tuned next time for more thrilling adventures in the Canadian healthcare system!

[sound-of-the-cosmos]

The Truth (Second part to A Tale Best Left Untold)

Requested second part! Thanks Anon <3 While I wasn't planning on writing a second part.. I may have to write another after this one. Link to Part One

\\

Bakugou knows the rumors have been hard on you, but he desperately wants to help you. However, you are confronted with that same person- and you refuse to go through that again.

Cw/Tw: Mentions of non con, manipulation, traumatic events (along with swearing but it’s Bakugou-)

It's been a month or two since the video incident. Katuski, Jirou, or one of your other friends must have said something to the other students, because they were being oddly kind to you. You were definitely thankful- but it was a rather large shift.

Katuski would make sure you ate something during lunch, even going with you to the rooftop at times. While you appreciated the kindness, it felt.. fake. Forced.

Aizawa stood at the front of the room, speaking about the different types of training we were all to undergo. You were zoned out, doodling something at the top of your page. As you zoned in, your blood ran cold.

".. will also be receiving another teacher. Prof. Joseph Vlahos will now be taking the stand while I take a nap. Give him your full attention."

No.

No, no no n o.

You knew that name.

That was him.

Your eyes met his, and a smirk flickered over his lips momentarily. Your stomach lurched.

"As your sensei said, my name is Joseph Vlahos. You may call me Vlahos Sensei. I will be watching over your quirk training for the next month or so."

A month? Ok, that isn't too bad, you could make it through, somehow-

"After that period, however, I will be switching into the staff here as a permanent teacher."

You waited until after he was done speaking, noting that his eyes rarely ever left your seat. Once he finished his last thought and Aizawa sensei dismissed him, you asked to use the restroom.

As you paced out of the door and towards the girl's room, a hand grabbed your wrist and pulled you into a nearby janitor's closet. they covered your mouth as you tried to scream, tears welling up into your eyes. No no no no not again-

"Oi, it's me-" You recognized Katuski's voice partially, and couldn't stop the tears. He wrapped his arms around you, silently rubbing your back. You held your breath as you heard footsteps approach the ladies room, which was the next door. A soft hum of annoyance (which you identified as Joseph's) echoed out, before the clicks of his heels disappeared down the hall.

You let out your breath, panting and coughing a little. Katuski stayed silent- you could tell by how tense his body was that he was pissed. "I saw him eyeing you in the classroom. Is he the bastard?"

Jesus christ, he is perceptive-

"You also looked scared. That was the giveaway. I'm going to kill that bastard for what he did-"

"Katuski, no-"

"The fuck you mean no? That fucker caused you to leave behind your old school, and has now followed you here. Like hell I'll stand aside-"

"I don't- his quirk-" You hiccupped, and he fell silent. He was waiting for you to finish, just rubbing your back carefully. He was enraged, but you came before his anger. Just this once.

"He- he can change the way you think- I-" You sobbed, explaining the horrors that happened. How he talked to you about getting your grades up because of how smart you were, and you could do better- how he would talk to you, and you'd black out, only to wake up sore and bruised.. and violated.

How this happened for months.

Katuski stayed silent, trying so damn hard to stay with you, and not rip the bastard to shreds right then and there. You were the priority. His rage could wait for now.

"I don't- I can't watch him hurt you," You finished, rubbing your eyes and ruining your makeup. You didn't care. You didn't want to remember, but you were practically reliving it.

"Talk to All Might, Recovery Girl or even the damn principal. They'll do something. And he can't use the video against you. It's already been leaked. You don't have to keep quiet. I sure as hell can't." Katsuki's words hit you in an odd way. He was right. You were stronger now, and you had teachers on your side. They would help.

After about 10 minutes, you both made a plan, stepping out of the closet. You walked to Nezu's office, biting your lip as you approached the door. Timidly, you rapped your knuckles against the door.

A mousy "come in" made it's way through the wood, and you stepped in- only to be met with the chest of your 'new teacher'. You gulped, stepping in (and being cautious not to brush up against him).

"What can I help you with?" Nezu smiled at you, and you nervously mirrored his expression.

"If it isn't too much trouble, could I speak to you about something? Privately..?" You could hardly look up at him as you spoke. He nodded, humming thoughtfully.

"Of course. Joseph, we will speak about this matter at another date. Head back to USJ and help them with rebuilding." Joseph seemed upset, but left. Nezu jumps down, and sat on the couch, motioning for you to sit across from him. "I'm assuming you want to talk about the rumors?"

You nodded, messing with the edge on your skirt. "I- I'm not telling you how to do your job or undermining your authority, but- that man cannot teach here. Please- don't-" You sniffled, exhaling and inhaling shakily.

"Is he the one who took the video?" Nezu questioned, and your eyes shot up. He already figured it out??

"Yes sir-" You murmured, and he hummed.

"I will definitely find someone to replace him. Thank you for coming to me with this [Name]. I want you to know you are safe and the staff here will do everything in their power to help you in this situation." He smiled, and you let out a breath.

"Thank you sir."

You walk towards classroom 1A and hear a loud, angry voice echoing through the halls. "Listen, I don't care what you think, cause you're a goddamn extra, you got it? To hell with it if you're my teacher, you bastard. Keep your fucking hands to yourself."

Your stomach dropped when you saw Katuski yelling at Joseph. He had his hands raised in defense. "Look, I don't know what she told you, but she was clearly lying."

Katuski had that signature killing smirk creeping into his features.

"Eh?! Oi, you dumbass- are you saying she's a liar?"

Joseph smirked, and laughed. "If you're so cocky, how about you use that brain of yours an-" Katsuki grinned, before slamming his fist into the other's face. You gasped, running over and shouting out his name. "Katuski!"

He glanced over, in his training uniform now.

"I wasn't about to let him say shit about you. Or anyone else for that matter. The bastard is as bad as Mineta. He deserves to die."

Joseph was let go from UA soon after the incident. Nezu had kept his word. You sigh, glancing at your uniform. Maybe.. you should tie up the loose ends after all.

[qqueenofhades]

#all these fall-related crowley illustrations Hurt Me#because i have a headcanon that while he dismisses it#and plays it off as a vague downward saunter#it really was genuinely painful for him#because falling can't be otherwise#and of course he uses snark to disguise it#but it's a sticking point#especially with his constant questions/personal code of morality/struggle with being a demon CARE TO ELABORATE ON THESE HEARTBREAKING POINTS, HILARY!?!?

Ahahahahaa. Ahaha. Haha.

HAH.

(My Fall-related Crowley feelings are Legion.)

Basically, it’s my headcanon that because Crowley is a sarcastic and dramatic bitch, plus not exactly someone who is prone to talking about his emotions and/or admitting how deeply he feels things, he is dismissive and flippant about his fall and describes it as “sauntering vaguely downwards” and otherwise is a master of British understatement about it. Because as long as he’s Funny and Cool about it, nobody, not even Aziraphale, can understand that it broke him.

I mean, think about it. Falling from heaven cannot be otherwise than completely painful and terrible and traumatic, especially if you’re a celestial being who has never known anything else, and especially when you are one like Crowley, who feels the injustice of things so deeply and is the only character in the series that we see genuinely praying/begging God to stop the apocalypse (“you shouldn’t test them like this... not to destruction,” stand by while the blogger suffers over that scene Again.) Because Crowley isn’t a character who talks to other people about how he feels, he can only do it with himself, and we see him like... at least three different times, at least, dwelling on this:

“I didn’t mean to fall, I just hung around the wrong people.” Crowley is still resentful and worried about having to help cause Armageddon, we have seen him be as unenthusiastic as possible about delivering the Antichrist, and it’s in the back of his head that he shouldn’t have to be responsible for this. He didn’t ask to be a demon, he wasn’t planning to get chucked out of heaven, and he still feels that it was vaguely unfair that it happened to him at all. He doesn’t agree with anything heaven is doing now and it’s not like he wishes that he stayed, but the burden of being Hell’s Great Evil or whatever they think he is... he hates it. He was the one who first proposed the Arrangement to Aziraphale the first chance he got. Crowley does not like hell, he does not like what he has to do, and he acts out to satisfy his own restlessness and enjoyment of low-level chaos like the M25 and bringing down mobile phone networks, but he isn’t someone who embraces evil. He doesn’t want it and it wears on him.

Next, in all the flashback scenes (Eden, Mesopotamia, Golgotha) where we see Crowley directly challenging/questioning the Almighty’s various decisions (exiling Adam and Eve, drowning everyone, crucifying Jesus), he is genuinely upset over them (especially the killing kids part, “that’s something you’d expect my lot to do.”) Crowley has never lost his sense of right and wrong and his anger that heaven had the gall to throw him and the others out, but then keeps on doing shit like this, and he’s equally angry at Aziraphale’s circular logic and deflecting platitudes about how it’ll all be for the best, rainbow means they won’t get drowned again when they did nothing to deserve it in the first place. When they’re watching Jesus get nailed to the cross, he tells Aziraphale flat out that his lot put him on there. Crowley is just a quietly stewing ball of demonic rage over the unfairness of this, and the fact that his demon-ness means he is forced on a side he doesn’t want to be on, and the one he left behind isn’t any better. No wonder we find him in Rome eight years later, trying to drink his sorrows away and wearing sunglasses for the first time. I have a lot of feelings about the fact that Crowley tries to hide his eyes and hence his demonic nature (though as that post the other day pointed out, he doesn’t really need to do it? He could just make them not notice) for the first time after witnessing the crucifixion. He is just... tired. He doesn’t want to be recognized for what he is and he wants to separate himself from both heaven and hell. He feels guilty about what he has had to do and what he’s going to be asked to do, and when Aziraphale brightly asks him if he’s still a demon, he snaps back that what else would he be, an aardvark? Once again, with his usual sass/deflection, but he has never been more aware in his life about the fact that he is and he is going to be for eternity, and it’s killing him.

“I didn’t really fall, I just sauntered vaguely downwards.” Yet again. He’s dwelling on it, he’s repeating it to himself, he’s trying to get some comfort out of it, he’s justifying it to himself somehow. Because again, Crowley can’t talk to anyone about his feelings, especially not Aziraphale, who’s the only person that he has that kind of relationship with. Especially if he’s thinking about there ever being something between them, and the fact that Aziraphale seems until-now unshakable in his loyalty to heaven, no matter how infuriating they are. The fact that he constantly throws Crowley’s demon-ness in his face, trying to insist that they’re different and they have nothing in common and so forth (I love you Aziraphale, but You Are a Liar), can only salt the wound. The love of Crowley’s entire ineffable existence apparently can’t get over the fact that he’s Fallen, and I don’t think Crowley regards that as any kind of joke. It hurts him. 

And then. AND THEN, the scene that kills me the MOST for many reasons. After the bookshop has burned down and Crowley is trying to drink himself into oblivion before the the world ends, the two things he’s drunkenly shouting at to nobody in particular are a) Falling, and b) losing Aziraphale. “I NEVER ASKED TO BE A DEMON!” he yells at a clientele of mildly confused day drinkers. “ONE DAY IT’S LUCIFER AND THE GUYS... OKAY.... AND THEN I’M PERFORMING A MILLION-LIGHT-YEAR DIVE INTO A POOL OF BURNING SULFUR.”

Just again: the one thing Crowley returns to, the only thing that he places on a level with losing Aziraphale, the one thing that’s tormenting him equally when he thinks the apocalypse is hours away and there’s no point in fighting anymore, is the fact that he never asked to Fall. He never asked to go through this pain, he never asked to be torn away from heaven and everything he used to believe in and fight for, he never asked to be who he is and do what he’s doing, and now that has cost him everything. It’s cost him Aziraphale, it’s cost him the world, it’s cost him the human race (as far as he knows) and it’s made him responsible for it. He can’t get around or avoid that fact. He didn’t ask to Fall, but he did, and he’s the one who has done all this for six thousand dirty, drudging years with the likes of Hastur and Ligur. He’s the one who took the Antichrist to the nuns and set all of this in motion. Not asking for it doesn’t excuse him, and he is more than aware of that.

Because. This is the demon who fell in love on the spot with an angel who was kind to him, who gave away a flaming sword to the original sinners rather than punish them with it and who held a wing over his head the first time it rained in Eden. Who constantly is asking why, why, why, whether of heaven or hell, and so rarely getting an answer that satisfies him. Who has thought about his Fall until he probably can’t think about it anymore and still hasn’t gotten an answer for that either. Who has reinvented himself constantly, been a chameleon, taken on the style and hair and fashion of every age, as if one of these days, he, like the snake he is, might shed enough skins to find something underneath that he can actually live with. Because right now, he can’t. No matter what he tries and what he looks like and no matter how fast he goes (too fast for said love of his life, apparently) he still can’t get away.

“I only ever asked questions... that’s all it took to be a demon in the old days.”

tl;dr, Crowley’s Fall was the worst trauma of his entire existence and he still hasn’t really dealt with it and one of these days he might just lose it a little and deeply alarm Aziraphale, thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.