#the most horrible thing i see in my life
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I quit Tumblr sorry.
some nasty thing happens in the previous hours and I have to leave most likely for ever, I don't want to make uncomfortable some of you and if you want to know about what happened continue reading thia, but be warned, is depressing.
happy April fool's day bozo 🤣🤣🤣🤣
#i quit#buttonblossom#the amazing digital circus#artists on tumblr#depressing shit#jesterdoll#sorry for being depressing#sorry#i'm so tired#i'm so sorry#Goodbye#I love you guys#the most horrible thing i see in my life
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IS ANYONE ELSE FEELING KIND TODAY!!! IS ANYONE ELSE FEELING GENEROUS TOWARDS OTHER PEOPLE!!! IS ANYBODY ELSE BEING KIND AND TRYING TO UNDERSTAND EVEN WHEN ITS HARD!!! IS ANYONE ELSE ASSUMING THE BEST OF OTHERS INTENTIONS AND RESPONDING IN KIND!!!! CAN ANYONE HEAR ME
#having a day ^_^#I love being kind I just wish other people loved being kind more#people on the internet are SO FUCKING MEAN TO EACH OTHER???? its a terrible phenomenon#I have never seen people in real life treat others badly with the horrifying proportion of hate I see online#please. try to be kinder try to be more patient even when its frustrating#I have changed minds and deescalated arguments SO many times by being kind.#if someone is spouting misinfo in a furious rage and they're saying hurtful things? try responding with patience and kindness#even when you don't feel they deserve it. because one of 2 things usually happens#EITHER. they immediately shift their tone because you're talking to them like an equal and not an idiot#OR they continue to be horrible and it makes them look really nasty. its not a good look!! most people won't do the second thing!!#hateful online arguments has turned my mental health into a disgusting stew in the past#since I started being kind out of sheer frustration my mental health has improved a thousandfold#listen. sometimes its okay to be mean. if someone tells you to kill yourself I dont think its appropriate to give them patience and kindnes#BUT. if you treat someone like they're stupid. even if you're right!!! they won't listen to you or consider your words!!#because admitting you're right means admitting that they're stupid like you think they are. that feels bad so people won't do it#my wisdom. today I am so tired
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azul has that single dad on vacation vibe nailed to a T in that new card and i’m going insane. i will be his wifey so he never again has to be a single dad on vacation
He's literally this:
But it's okay because he makes it look so good. orz I will also be his wifey so that when he has his next vacation trip he won't be alone. <3 anything to make dilf Azul happy hehe!!! >:3c
#twisted chit chat#there's the most terrible itch to write summer smut fics for the cast of the event...#those summer outfits have me in a chokehold#i want to write a silly fic where ace and floyd have a competition to see who can rizz up the most people on their tropical vacation#but floyd takes it too far and it goes from a rizz competition to seeing how many people you can kiss/fuck in a day#and poor riddle doesn't want to lose because the loser has to drink whatever alcoholic beverage of the winner's choice#and everyone assumes riddle will lose so they're all planning to make him drink this huge margarita#that will definitely give him a horrible hangover so he tries to rizz you because you seem nice enough to reject him#but maybe you like his sincere awkwardness hehe#it's a very silly plotless idea but the cast swearing on 'whatever happens on this tropical vacation stays at the tropical vacation'#is a fun mindset that they all agree upon#maybe it's a fic where they celebrate after they've graduated so it's one final trip of silly antics before they all have to focus on life#omg maybe they're drinking and daring each other to do silly things and everyone (except for jack) is dogpiling on riddle with absurd dares#like 'i bet you can't get that person's number' or 'i bet you can't get them to fuck you' T_T leave riddle alone everyone!!!!!#i have too many ideas in my mind orz#i'll stop rambling before these tags become far too long ;;;;;
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#had an interesting conversation with my sister the other day. odd i guess bc my sister is pretty smart#on paper shes smarter than me. or at least less dyslexic than me#but she didnt seem to kno what cancer is. i mean like how it works. i mean. cancer is a mistake. a confluence of unfortunate accidents#leading to unrestrained cellular growth. when it metastasizes. when it moves to other parts of the body. those same cells continue growing#if u have smooth muscle cancer and it moves to your kidney. you body is trying to grow more smooth muscle on your kidney#at least as i understand it. and she asked why it wants to kill you. it doesnt want anything. it just is. its not a thing of malicious#intent. its neutral. it grows. it takes up resources. it takes up space. and it grows and grows until the organ it grows on stops#functioning properly. like a parasite she said. but no. not like a parasite. it grows like an empty space. a mass of flesh. a constant#obstructive pressure. it grows like only a tumor can. i dunno. it didnt seem to connect with her that this thing didnt want to kill our mom#but it did anyway. and she felt weird about how long she lived after they took her off any support. but thats how cancer kills#it stops an organ from functioning and most of those r important so it only takes one. so her heart kept beating for 12 more hrs bc it was#meant to beat for 40 more years. but not much it could do without working kidneys and without working blood#but that's life. that's death. that's nature. its all nutral even if it feels horrible to the individual.#i dunno. i thought it was interesting. shes 25 and her mother had cancer for 10 years so id think shed kno more#we're at a weird phase now bc its been a week since she died and everything feels normal. we'll see what happens at the wake this week#its been interesting for sure bc she was sick for 10 years but my parents didnt prepare at all for her to die#so my dad is scrambling to put together the pieces shr left behind to make sure that all the bills r paid and whatnot. he had to guess her#computer password. she didnt tell us what she wanted us to have. she didnt tell us the importance of her jewelry and who it belonged to#before her. i dunno. we're seeing the outline of my mothers Pathology in what she left behind. both in the physical objects and in the#feelings she imparted. i dunno. its been weird#unrelated
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long tag ramble below u have been warned
#ok i feel like i should say Something before i start being active again#but i dont want it to be a Statement which is why i’m putting it in the tags#(also bc i procrastinated doing this for weeks so i know this is a very stale topic by now#but i also haven’t been on tumblr literally at all so this is 100% my organic authentic opinion lmao)#so read if you gaf and ignore if you don’t#anyway: george def could’ve done more to ensure she was comfortable#and as someone who has also gotten in over my head with older men and regretted it#her hurt is valid and i’m deeply sorry she feels the way she does about that night#but with that said i see no reason to believe george Should have known how she really felt#or that he deliberately took advantage of either her youth/inexperience or her discomfort#and that’s the most important thing for me— he fucked up and misread a situation but that doesn’t make him an evil person#and i hope they can both move on and grow and heal#as for my future in the fandom: i honestly dunno how active i’ll be going forward#i was already becoming pretty disconnected so this might’ve just sped up the process? i’m tired of being put through the wringer#but i also don’t really have a fandom to replace this so i might just continue casually participating in the way i have been#either way rest assured i will never become a rabid anti. that shits embarrassing#i got HORRIBLE drolo rsd the other day when tommy’s mom needed clout and vagued him so like if nothing else. droloisms are forever#also as a last thing— this feels kinda silly and self centered to say but i will anyway#sorry for not opening up my blog as a forum for discussion again the way i did with the drituation#i know i helped a lot of people sort out their feelings and that was (and is) really really important to me#but it also tanked my mental health (mostly as a result of the fallout and not the act itself but still)#plus my life irl was pretty stressful at the time when everything was first going down#so i just didn’t feel up to putting myself through that again#but i’m sorry if anyone wanted to discuss w me but wasn’t able to#anyway. i think that’s all i have to say!#i don’t want to turn this into a capital D discussion but as always my askbox and dms are open#love you all tons! i hope you’re having a good day 🫂🫶#bella talks
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Honestly though I think it’s really a bad sign when I look at Shin Tsukimi and literally feel like he’s a self insert 😩
#the klock keeps ticking#yttd#i wanna replay yttd so bad but i also like Gotta play other stuff with the time i have akskks#but yeah the brainrot this specific character has given me idk if I ever really talked about it but it was BAD#i like obsessively played the game in like 3 days and it was not a good idea lol but just like shin#i had to take like a week to recover from this guy cuz i couldnt stop thinking about him and how hes just like me fr#first off just the very inconsistent personality hes got going on that is very me he has these different personalities he wears to cope with#all the traumatic shit happening hes both so helpless its comical and so manipulative its terrifying#and idk its really interesting how like good and bad he is at being manipulative like hes very smart and can analyze weaknesses and lie so#good not even he knows the truth but hes also grasping at straws he doesnt think things through at all#like the second main game he just didnt prepare at all hes fumbling his way through everything its going so bad#he just wants to go home he wants to outdo the game makers but hes being used by them so bad he wants it to STOP#and its just the way that like. it hits so hard cuz you know hes really not a bad person not at all he doesnt want any of this hes just#being horribly manipulated and doing whatever he can to survive but its also really scary how#well hes able to lie and manipulate and claw his way through but hes also weaker than a grade schooler#and you never forget that either and as much as he cheated his way through he still failed it was all just a cheap trick in the end#and all of this hits very hard like his personality is eerily similar to mine and just the way he thinks and acts#cuz im the same like im weak and a dweeb who likes funny cats but im also emotionally detached and observant and selfish#but where it hits the hardest is his relationship with midori like oooof that one was too real just like#the first person who was ever his friend was horribly abusive and treated him like a child and didnt respect any boundaries#and he just got sick pleasure out of seeing shin be upset and he was like. a groomer#and shin was fucking relieved when he died but also kept his scarf and adopted his personality to survive#and still goes by sou after ch2 and the scene that gets me the most is when shin ai is asked about his relationship with midori#and you can just SEE how horrified shin is because his deepest shame his abuse is being shared to everyone without his consent#and hes reliving it all in that moment and literally seeing who he used to be experiencing the abuse#he just curls into himself and like covers his ears and pulls his hair thats literally what i do AAAAAA#im just so grateful for the direction they took this character kokichi ouma wishes he was shin tsukimi so bad#and yeah just like damn. its scary how similar i am to shin like damn i really am going through it huh oof#I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I WILL DEFEND HIM WITH MY LIFE HE DID ALL OF THAT STUFF YOUR HONOR BUT LISTENNNN#have you considered that hes cute and smart and weird and maybe just needs friends who arent assholes
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……starting to think a lot of you do not know what the word empathetic means
#i have a lot to say about this but it is going to have to wait a few days until i’m no longer up to my ears in work#but here’s a little thing to tide you over: empathy does not a good person make#a capacity for empathy is in no way a capacity let alone willingness for good#empathy and intense horrendous cruelty are not mutually exclusive#if you think that evil comes in a single form if you think evil is just pure callousness coldness spot-it-a-mile-away inability to love#then no fucking wonder people keep doing evil terrible things like in real life and your response is always ?! W hat ?!#shocking: terrible evil people are still people. they are not robots of pure malice. they were once babies with coloring books#that’s not saying we should feel bad for them or anything at all!!! just that you guys seem allergic to acknowledging that it doesn’t take a#category 5 sociopath to commit an atrocity#everyone go read arendt’s banality of evil and go watch act of killing by joshua oppenheimer#no wonder trump keeps winning. y’all don’t view his supporters as people with any qualities other than Racism#like i know this is a fictional character but the response here is so indicative of this much broader issue that makes me want to scream#i get it. you’ve lived in a bubble your whole life and never interacted with people vastly different from yourself and had to acknowledge#their personhood as much as their viewpoints disgusted you. talk to a conservative once in your life it might be mind blowing#not bc you’ll be like WOAH :o THEYRE NOT SO BAD AFTER ALL! no!!!!! because they ARE that bad and they are also regular normal people!!!!!#you are all so incapable of viewing anyone you dislike as having internal lives! christ!#this is how trump won! how do you not see this!#seriously go watch act of killing go watch anwar who murdered hundreds of people in cold blood warmly scold his grandchild for poking a duck#too hard. like the most horrifying part of horrible ppl who commit atrocities is that they aren’t caricatures of evil#we wish they were it would make it easier to understand#agh i’m rambling i’ll shut up#god watch ppl be like Uh why are you defending trump/genocide/fascists etc#dumb fucks i’m telling you the most terrifying part about those people is that they are actually people that’s what makes it so hard to#comprehend bc atrocities are so much easier to swallow when you can pretend a force of pure evil is behind it#okokokok good night lol
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yeom mijeong put it into words so well for me. i'm a good person i won't ask to be loved. asking for love implies you're difficult to love because you're a bad person, so you ask for it. being a good person makes you lovable enough to be loved by someone, so a good person doesn't ask to be loved. a good person is just loved, without having to ask or beg for it. i'm a good person, so why should i ask to be loved? i'm a good person, why am i not loved.
#thinking thoughts are being thunk idk#is this something?#i had difficulties interpreting that mantra so i can understand it#and this is how i understand it#i think yeom mijeong might not agree with this but to me this also applies to people who claim to love you but dont make you feel loved#by putting their words into action. by showing they love you by showing they care for you#so the way i see ''i'm a good person i wont ask to be loved''#is i wont ask for your affection i wont ask you to show you care wont ask you to show up for me#am i not good enough of a person for you to do that without me asking for it?#i understand it's a thin line between communicating your needs and not asking to be loved and simplying wanting to be loved#i also believe there's some bare minimum things you should do. especially after i've communicated with you that theyre important to me#as a baseline to see you do care for me. you do think about me. you do want to see me to talk to me to spend time with me#and you acknowledge it. but leave it there. and continue your inaction#and i'm left in a horrible fucking position bc ur important enough for me to not want to cut you off for this reason#i'm left to sit in that position bc i only have very few people i cherish in my life and most of them act this way#if i were to cut them off i'd be left rotting away by my own#which is better. that or to live with a couple people you know love you but dont show you they do so you have this gaping hole inside you#idk this is just me doing a whole lot of yapping#nesi rants#my liberation notes
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Stuck at a red light and I could count 16 cranes all making new condos and apartments. Maybe a few of them are offices but they looked like apartments.
Filled me with a new sense of dread
#I’m just. head in hands. you guys have no idea. I’ve been here my whole life and it has never been this horrible here. traffic.#there was definitely more than 16 that’s just what I was able to see#Yes just keep building luxury apartments and making an already horribly planned out and overcrowded city even more crowded 👍#if this shit was actually planned out it wouldn’t be so bad#but it was not. intended. to have this many people.#what I want to know is who the fuck is actually living in them#yeah we got a lot of people from high wage states working remotely here in the past 3 years#but surely it can’t be THAT MANY?????#like. this is a city with no industry outside of money laundering and being a servant to rich ppl and tourists#wages are in the dirt here. even with a degree most jobs will refuse to pay a living wage#you will make more in pretty much any other state fl wages are abysmal#who is renting these#edit: I should mention that building more housing is not a bad thing it’s just that. these aren’t for normal people. these are for the rich#the regular ppl are getting absolutely eaten alive here. I would know I’m one of them.#and the roads just can’t support this many people. my commute has gotten 10-15 mins longer#just this year. distance hasn’t changed. there’s just that many more cars
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i'm only on chapter 2 of Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, phd, but it's SO good, makes me go !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#haiz reads things#same feeling as with ace by angela chen#the author is autistic and trans if it helps#i feel like ive been better at honoring and recognising my autism for the past couple years#but medical professionals have always seemed very sceptical of it - to the point i had to be assessed a second time to be diagnosed#and listening to this book is already so validating and powerful and putting words to so many things#(slightly related but i recently realised im probably not just a 'anxious type of person' i probably have Actual Anxiety#despite having been screened by therapists on several occasions. but im probably very good at acting well-adjusted#see also being rejected from therapy for not being depressed enough during the most horrible time of my life. ANYWAY)
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#i need to stop doomscrolling its four in the morning im so exhausted i technically have school shit i needed to finish and i have to get up#to go to class in a few hours too#it helps nothing either. its horrible to look and its horrible to look away and they both do absolutely nothing past a point just like w th#other endless amount of absolutely horrible things going on in the world rn#theres no new information now either. just the fallout and seeing what comes next#this and no other horrible thing going on in the world is abt us and how it affects us emotionally obviously like that's just specs of dust#on the thing itself#but. yeah. i. i dont think the human mind copes well w going from locally based ape empathy to exposure to every horrible thing everywhere#....... russia has bombed more apartments and civilian buildings too :( ppl caught under the rubble and dead#just. dear god.. i just keep thinking that. i just keep saying that to myself. dear god#dear god oh lord of duamne ya allah yarabbi whatever variation its most of what goes through my mind on loop#while my mind runs through so much of it. palestina and all the videos of dead and murdered and the children the videos from last week of#that tourist girl in israel the war in ukraina whats happening in kosovo armenia the uyghurs and china all the conflict in india and#pakistan the state of afghanistan yamen civilians being tortured by gangs in south america torture in general and the prisons around the#world and the slavery and the torture and the killing and the starvation and the pain and the million other things going on i don't even#know about and the fucking climate jesus christ the climate change???#and my mind just doesnt stop. it goes through so much shit it maps out this horrible web of pain and pain and pain throughout the entire#world ;;_;;#i uh. i desperately need to take more time in my life and for years on end ive needed to tske more time in my life to think#of the good things happening in ths world too. small things big things anything just anything good anything getting better anything thats#working any proof of humanity in this species#i just. .#.#i go through the full range of human emotion from rage to numbness and dissociation to bitterness to shock to nothing shocks me to endless#sorrow to disgust and i end up at the end#feeling like the same kid who wants to cry and ask why can't we just be nicer to each other please. as if its that simple. j wish it was.#god. i wish
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my parents are selling their house and i'm dealing with it so rationally and maturely btw. the 73 pictures i just took are completely unrelated to my fears of change and forgetting the little bits of memory that made this home
#i've never moved house before but i've been grieving this house since high school idk how to explain it#to have felt so trapped here for so long and then having it as a place i have to come back to every 3 months to the thought of one day never#? being allowed inside it again? how does anyone do anything ever in life this feels impossible but also like the smallest most trivial#thing in the world. hello.#i missed my sibling's spring break visit home bc of finals and now i'll never hurt my back watching tv with them on their bed? ever? for#fucking serious????#craning my head to make stupid faces at them through the hallway before bed. never ever? :(?#wish this horrible pattern of me missing the last chance i'll get to see someone bc of school first it was my dog and now it's my sib here#and i just. sigh.#sorry to mope on main again i'm just melancholy and this blog is my diary youre all just reading it#a post
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#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is#all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much#because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions#mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect#and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it#it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter#but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but#mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read#cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about#how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron#separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward#the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not#allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i#talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand#so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday#and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having#a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself#sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like#reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for.#the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it#doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of#ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put#myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing#unrelated
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there's something specifically inside my head that is closing up that makes trusting anything so hard. i have to manually keep my mind open to the potential of anything being significant. i am so used to things being bad and things hurting and things not working and being powerless that it takes an exorbitant amount of mental energy to make sure I don't let myself shut down possibility. and I do it because I never want a certainty inside of me besides love to rule anything. but I want my brain elastic again. i want it open like breathing. it doesn't erase the unfairness or the critique or any of the bitter-built philosophy.
#it's so hard to describe what I mean. i think it's the combo of the like. specific part of my brain's development + the amount of trauma#I have endured + the degree of which that has been taking place on a backdrop of the world being incredibly injust no matter what I do#this is very very silly but the extent of how much this impacts me was made clear by how like. closed off I was to even liking an album by#my favourite singer. like obviously I am obsessively keeping myself open I would never let my preconceived sense of doom and stubbornness#control my willingness to let things in#but it shouldn't be so hard to keep my mind open to things like... liking my favourite musician of most of my life's music...........#and that's a VERY silly example but that's why it's easier to talk about. it takes so much work to be open enough for things like therapy#or religion because they've damaged me so much#how am i supposed to handle this on a backdrop of constant constant helplessness in the face of living insecurity and illness and trauma?#the problem is if you try so so so hard again and again and remain hopeful regardless of how illogical that hope is#but you get let down so constantly since you're never stop trying ever even when systems fail you again and again#and you're watching horrible things happen and everything that shapes you is horror#then regardless of how much you try it's so hard to let yourself let go of the very realistic lived experience of doubt and critique#and I DO. do NOT get me wrong. I am obsessive and refuse to be my own problem#but the act of doing so shouldn't be like this. it's in everything i do. from simple things like listening to new music to even the mere#possibility of a future#i am very worried this one is going to be misinterpreted bc I AM NOT saying I'm stubborn in the face of systems that have repeatedly failed#me. I AM NOT. I am saying to not be shouldn't take this work when it envelops the rest of my life.#if anyone reads this far please please acknowledge the degree of which I almost pathologically try again and again when I can guarantee#nearly everyone wouldn't and still fight to keep myself open to hope because that's just something in me that is like that. but BEING like#that is. repeatedly putting yourself in situations where you are powerless already and helpless to get better and then are hurt more and#there's no way to escape it's just the repeated nature of it and then trying to not be the issue.#it's the problem in itself.#my ambition SHOULD be smarter.#god I'll go into this when I fully understand it another time. i don't think i have this phrased in a way to make all the dots of what i#mean correlate in the significant ways to anyone but me#but hey i guess i'm expecting anyone to read this in a light to misperceive me in the first place instead of accept maybe I'm not explainin#well or giving me the benefit of the doubt. see.#delete
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Having lost my cat, my uncle, my great grandmother, my grandma's best friend (& one of the people who helped raise me), AND my dad all within the span of 9 months,
I have little sympathy for people who use deaths as an excuse to be an asshole. I get it, it sucks. Get the fuck over it. Your grief is not an excuse to treat others like shit. What the fuck.
#speculation nation#this isnt anything personal. im just reacting to a post that kind of pissed me off.#to be fair i was never close with my great grandmother so im not particularly broken up about that one#but it's still yet another death in the family within such a short period of time.#my cat is on this list bc he was the first one and it majorly fucked me up. so yeah it deserves to be here.#the others. well. my grandma's best friend makes me sad but at least she was getting up in years#my uncle and dad though. especially my dad. yea those have fucked me up the most.#im never gonna be the same after experiencing all of this in such short succession.#it sucks in a major way. and things are still continuously tumultuous.#but you dont see me lording it over people and using it as an excuse to be an asshole.#maybe i make people uncomfortable with how casually i mention it. but like whatever. it's simply my truth.#that's still just like. me just talking about what ive been up to. that kind of thing.#idk acting like someone needs to be treated with the most tender of touches after experiencing a major death#to the point where you cant even tell them when theyre being a manipulative little asshole?#i dont fucking think so!#yeah okay all grief hits different but ive pulled myself up by the bootstraps and kept my head on straight#even after i experienced death after death after death after death after Fucking Death#whats your excuse? youre Sad? we all fucking are. thats just life.#it's horrible and awful and it sucks that we have to live with this but you CANT let that affect how you treat other people!!!!!#and here i am making my own post venting about it instead of replying to the aita post that sparked this#bc the person the post was about just made me so angry to hear about.#but i am... a reasonable adult who separates themselves from situations before reacting in anger...#and so im making a tumblr post to get the emotions out instead of getting emotional at random strangers lol#anyways i actually had a pretty good day today. but in the way of grief. the smallest things can trigger moods sometimes.#but i am letting the emotions flow... here they are... i have expressed them... and i shall now release them... amen...#negative/#i guess lol. i sure did rant enough for it.
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#i was so overwhelmed the other day having so many things to do and now i've had to add 2 more to the list#(it's work so i'm not complaining. i will never complain about work. i'm poor. i need the money)#but now i'm so horribly overwhelmed and guilty about the things i'm not doing#and also procrastinating which isn't like SUUUPER normal for me... which scares me#cause most of my life my high levels of anxiety made me really responsible#cause i can't rest until i've done the thing that needs doing (or until i know for a fact i will finish it on time)#but i have a deadline on monday for a contest entry and i spent all night playing sims last night...#and i'm not even half way done with the piece#and i will have work to do in the middle of ti#and also my fucking animatic that i sort of abandoned#(and the book i definitely abandoned months ago that i need to get back to PLEASE)#and i'm just sitting here doing none of it and screaming in my head to please do it#I think the main problem is that i don't like my contest entry so i don't see the point on finishing#(which i will cause i have no time to think of something else and start from scratch now)#and also the animatic is kinda looking shit...#so i need to get my head in the fucking game and start finishing all these things or so help me god!#dfjgkdhfkg#anyways little vent beore getting on with my work... sorry about that#angel talks#personal
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