#the older i get the more i understand why my mom didnt want her to move in with us

[rainstops]

thank you for saving me

alhaitham x reader angst/comfort

summary: you and alhaitham clearly liked eachother. but fate did not have in store for you what you had hoped for.

a/n: M-A-M-A B-O-Y MAMAS BOY, MAMAS BOY.

warnings: arranged marriage, you argue with your mom

words: 2.4k

you and alhaitham always got along really great. some people would say that youre the only one who he ever really got a long with. always kind and respectful to you.

kaveh was the first one to notice alhaithams blatant favoritism towards you. whenever he tried to bring it up, alhaitham quickly shut him down. but this time he wasnt going to let that happen.

"so? when are you going to ask [name] out?", he immediately asked when alhaitham walked through the door of their shared apartment. "ask her out? why would i do that?", alhaitham was quick to answer. "come on dude, everyone knows that you like her. "like her? sure i like her as a friend", alhaitham hung up his coat.

a moment of silence followed.

"oh so you wouldnt mind if i asked her out?", kaveh asked. alhaithams head shot into his direction. no words needed. the expression on alhaithams face was far more than enough for kaveh. "Ha, see you do like her!" "whatever im going to sleep"

kaveh was right though. alhaitham did hold feelings in his heart that he didnt understand very well.

you on the other hand also just arrived at home. you took off your shoes and were immediately confronted with a "[name] we have to talk", of course from no one less than your mother. you tried to avoid her as much as you could, but with how controlling she is, that was more than just hard.

you both sat down at the kitchen table, and your mother immediately started talking. and you wished you wouldnt have come home that night.

"so you know that the fact that our family keeps on living, and keeping up our status is important, right?", your mother started. she had been giving you the same talk lately over and over again. she kept reminding you about how you had to get a boyfriend soon and get married soon. for archons sake, you were 19!

your family had a fairly high status in sumeru, and your mother lived for continuing the family. she had an early marriage and an early pregnancy, just to ensure that the family reproduces.

"mom get to the point", you sighed. you couldnt hear the same talk over and over again. she would just tell you how its important that you have children and its for the family and-

"i've arranged a marriage for you"

what? she what?

"you did WHAT?", you slammed your hands on the table and stood up from your chair. "[name] you know its just so-" "i dont CARE what its about!" "now how about you sit back down and listen to me. ive found you a lovely guy whos just a year older-" "no, how about you listen to ME for this first time in your life? all the time you were trying to control my life and manipulate me and you kept telling me over and over again how its 'for the family'!, well in all honesty fuck this family!", all your pent up anger from your nineteen years of living was now let out at the person who caused it all.

"young lady that is no way to talk to your mother, and especially no way to talk about your family!", your mother stood up from her chair as well. "youre not fucking listening to me! i am not getting married!", you screamed while putting your shoes back on.

you stormed out the door, although you were very aware that she was going to get whatever she wants one way or another.

it doesnt matter. she never even mattered. you needed to go somewhere, somewhere else than that place you lived in. and you knew exactly where.

kaveh opened the door for you. "alhaitham theres someone here for you!" he shouted through the whole apartment. its not like you were never here for you. whenever your mother got too much, you slept at alhaithams place. kaveh also told you a million times already that youre the only one who alhaitham allows to sleep in his room.

"same fights as always?", kaveh asked. you shook your head. "worse" "worse? what did she do?", alhaitham was suddenly standing right in the hallway. it took you everything you had to stop you from ugly crying right then and there.

you were still mad. you were always gonna be mad, but the fact that you almost sprinted all the way to the shared apartment, took away a little of the rage.

"its kind of really hard to say", you really didnt want to say it. it for some reason felt even more wrong to tell alhaitham, but you didnt know why. "i dont think theres really anything that we dont expect from your mother by now", alhaitham said looking at kaveh, and then back at you. your eyes started watering. not at the thought of having to say it out loud, but at the thought of having to spend most of your life with someone you didnt even know.

"she arranged a marriage for me", you said. your words were followed by a long silence.

alhaitham looked irrated at you. or maybe he was angry. who knows. kaveh on the other hand was shocked. his eyes wide, and lips slightly apart. never of them knew what to say.

"youre kidding", alhaitham said, more wishing than actually asking. his voice was barely above a whisper. you could only shake your head.

a shaky, long sigh escaped your lips, and even though you didnt want it, the tears started falling. your body tensed up, and you could feel alhaithams arms wrap right around you. all you could do was lay your head onto his chest, and kaveh went to grab some water for you.

the rest, you dont remember.

you woke up, in alhaithams bed. the apartment sounded empty. what time was it? you honestly couldnt care less about going to school today. you didnt want to go anywhere today. but you also couldnt stay here another night, that was decided. one way or another you had to confront your mother, and who knows, maybe you could also convince her to stray from her plan.

but you knew, you could not convince her.

you discussed and fought with her for quite a long time.

"youre getting married to that man, and if i have to drag you to that wedding. besides everything is already paid for"

"wait- already paid for? when is the wedding anyways?", "next month"

without another word, you stood up from the kitchen table and went to your room. you threw yourself onto your bed.

your body felt so heavy, and especially your heart. your eyes felt as if they were going to close any second, but you didnt feel like you could sleep. you were angry, but you were also disappointed and sad. disappointed in your mother, that she saw you as nothing else other than an a way to extend the family. and disappointed in yourself, for not being able to convince her.

well at least you still had alhaitham. he was the best friend you could ever ask for, although you ever wondered if you felt more towards him than just friendship.

your question was answered pretty quickly. you had no idea what had caused it. if it was the upcoming marriage, or just because he was always there for you. but recently you wanted to be closer to him than before. you wanted to always stay by his side, but maybe you just wanted to avoid being home.

but alhaitham... was it just an illusion or was he getting more and more distant by the minute? he used to always make time for you. if you were struggling with something, he stopped what he was doing just to help you. he wanted to talk to you over all of the people he knew. he talked to you daily, but now the days you two talked were moving apart further and further.

what was happening?

"alhaitham can we talk?", you carefully asked, not wanting to disturb him. this was one of the first time you felt like you were walking on eggshells around him. "not right now [name], im busy", he replied, not even bothering to take his eyes off the paper he was working on.

"but its kind of important...", you tried again. suddenly he slapped his paper down onto the table. "what is it?", he finally looked at you for once.

you sat down right across from him. "well... how do i start this" "just say it, i have important things to do"

... were you not important to him anymore?

"alhaitham, i feel like we are drifting apart", those were the best words you could find to describe what you were feeling. "so what? its not like we're a couple or anything" "so i dont matter to you at all"

a moment of silence. thats not true, is what alhaitham wanted to say.

"alhaitham dont ignore me" "im not ignoring you" "then answer me"

"fuck [name] just- JUST FUCKING FINALLY LEAVE ME ALONE"

huh wait what? did he just say that?

"did i just say that...?", he mumbled to himself, kind off hoping you would hear it, but you were already out of the room, heading home. your mind was blank. where did you go wrong? what did you do that couldve possibly made him act this way?

alhaitham got home, closed the door, and sunk into the couch. his hands were traveling through his hair, and he was rubbing his face as if he was trying to rub away the words he said.

"woah what happened to you", kaveh asked as he walked past him, just wanting to get a glass of water.

"nothing", alhaitham mumbled, his hands still in his face. "doesnt look like nothing to me", kaveh replied. honestly he shouldve just dropped it right then and there.

"kaveh what do you think gives you the right to nag me like theres no tomorrow?" kaveh just stared. "seriously man what is up with you recently? is it because of... you know, [name] getting married?", it almost felt hard to say. his heart dropped to his stomach and a shudder went down his spine, hearing kavehs words.

the reminder that you were getting married takes him right back to the day when you told him whats happening. he couldnt help his heart feeling like it was getting ripped apart, like its nothing more than just a piece of paper. from that day on he couldnt concentrate on anything. everything felt like a reminder of you, everything reminded him of the daggers that were send through his heart of the mere sight of you.

so he did the only thinkable thing, which was to distance himself. maybe his heart and mind would go back to the way things used to be. but everyday where he would be spending less time with you, felt like someone was taking half his soul away. he was even less focused on things, and was living in a trance, like a depressed man. but in no way was he trying to hurt you. no that was even worse than anything he could think off.

everything felt like it circled around you. it almost felt like...

"it feels a little like youre living for [name], doesnt it?", kaveh suggested. yeah exactly that.

kaveh sat down next to him. "alhaitham, do you remember the exact date [name]'s wedding is?" alhaitham looked at kaveh. "its tomorrow, alhaitham"

wait wait, no, when did time pass so fast? you cant get married. no way.

you were standing there, in your white dress. it wasnt really yours. it was your mothers old dress, meaning you did not choose your own dress. but maybe it was better like that, since you didnt want to get married anyway. the reception wasnt very pretty, it almost looked like a church. but maybe only you felt this way. you didnt want to be here. you didnt want to be anywhere. well there was one place that couldve been nice. you wanted to be wherever alhaitham is right now, but he didnt seem to want you arround.

you were staring at the bouquet you were holding. everything felt so surreal. you looked up at the guy you were marrying. he looked absolutely happy to be where he was. it almost made you uncomfortable to look at the wide grin on his face.

you looked at your mother, who seemed to be crying. everyone seemed so happy, except for you.

you were not picking up any words, until the question was asked.

"do you take [name], as your wife, your partner, for all eternity?", the sentence almost made you throw up. "yes", the guy so quickly replied. he smiled at you. and you felt the urge to slap him. and maybe your mother while you were at it.

"now, do you take [guys name], to be your husband, your partner, for all eternity?" "I.. uh", you wanted to say no so bad, but it seems you didnt have to.

you looked up from the floor you were staring at to avoid any gazes, when suddenly the doors to the reception slammed open. "stop... the fucking wedding", alhaitham stood there, out of breath, his hair messier than ever, and he looked like he had been... crying?

he walked up to you and took your hand. "you dont want to marry this guy right? forget this, forget everything, and just come with me"

he looked at you like he had never seen anything he loved more. and in that moment, you indeed forgot everything. like nothing was important, nothing other than the happiness of you and the one who was holding your hand.

you dropped your bouquet right there and ran. your mother shouted something, and the guy was standing there all confused.

as soon as the both of you had left the reception, you started stumbling. "alhaitham im wearing heels!", without hesitation, alhaitham picked you up like you weighed nothing.

a few more steps and you both hid in an allyway. to some people this might looked weird, but they dont know what was happening. to you you couldnt be happier than this.

but yet, tears were streaming down your face. and you arms wrapped themselves around alhaitham, quicker than he could react. your head was already pressed into his chest. and he hugged you back.

"im so sorry, im sorry for shouting at you and im sorry for not helping you earlier. i love you, [name]", his voice was wavering, but it had an odd certainty in it. without someone having to tell you, you knew from this day on everything was going to be okay.

a/n: sorry that this is kinda rushed, but i just wanted to get a genshin fic done before im flying to england :) thank you for reading, i hope you enjoyed

[gh0stsp1d3r]

Ooo can I please request a Dad!Tangerine x daughter!teen!reader where when he was younger, he had a daughter but he didnt/doesn’t know she exists until she goes looking for him and finds him and Lemon on the Bullet Train. Lol imagine Y/n nonchalantly (but also excitedly) running up and sitting across from Tan and Lem, Tan being like, “Who the f are you??” And y/n being like, “I’m glad you asked… Hi Dad!” I imagine the Twins being SHOOK… Anyways, later on Tangerine being like “What are you doing here???? You can’t be here!! It’s not safe!!” When Tan is confronting The Prince and Ladybug intervenes, instead of Tan getting hit by the bullet, Y/n gets hit because she pushed him out of the way after it was accidentally set off? (She lives but it’s all super emotional and Tan is a panicked dad) Tan being like, “Why would you do that??” Y/n just didn’t want to lose her Dad after only just finding him + Lem being the best, most fun Uncle🥺

I kinda based her off of nimona, I’m obsessed with that movie rn omg 😭

Readers adopted so everyone can read!!! (: Blood, gun wounds

Chance

You quickly boarded the train, looking down at your phone again. It was quite easy to hack into his phone.

You followed it, until you bumped into a tall man.

You looked at him, back at the app, and then him.

“What the fu-“ he started, until he realized that you were a girl, a young one, probably around a teenager. “Excuse my language. You alright? You should really watch where your going.” He said.

“I’m- Im fine. Yeah. I’m fine.” You said, with a small smile.

“Right well.. sorry bout’ that.” He said, and continued to walk. You followed him, beaming in excitement.

You followed him and another man as well, then they both sat down. You sat on the other side, watching them with a large smile.

“You? What do you want?” Tangerine asked, jumping when he saw you.

“Well, I want you to know something.” You pulled out the rolled up papers in your pocket, when they both pointed guns at you.

“Relax.” You rolled your eyes, showing him the paper in your hands. You handed it to them.

“The… freak is this?” Tangerine asked, grabbing it. He stopped himself from cursing.

“You can say fuck you know. I’m not like 10.” You sat back and rolled your eyes.

“Right.. the fuck is this?” Tangerine said.

“It’s adoption papers. You and my mom adopted me.” You shrugged.

“What.. I didn’t agree to any of that shit-“ he said.

“Well that’s not fucking creepy.” Lemon said, looking at you.

“Oh no, it is. But he’s my dad! My adoptive dad technically… If you couldn’t understand all the smart people language on the paper.”

“I’m not your damn dad.”

“Your name is Aaron, you live on 78th street in-“

“Look, lady, I don’t know who the fuck you are honestly, and I don’t know why you’re stalking me-“

“The both of you technically.”

“That don’t make it any better.” Lemon said.

“Right.. well don’t know why you’re stalkin’ us, cause I’m not your damn dad, but if you don’t get away and off this train-“

“You’re gonna stab me? Blow my brains out? Poison me and make it so only a hot way older prince could save me like in Snow White? Cause if you’re gonna do any do the third one. It sounds more fun.” You said with large eyes.

“You’re a fuckin’ nutcase. Jus’ please, let us get out jobs done-“ tangerine started, when Lemon showed him something on the adoption papers.

“That is your signature. Right there. Aaron-“

“I didnt… did I?” He said.

“Not that I remember.” Lemon said.

“My mom said that you left us after you adopted me. I was a baby but… yeah! And she then gave me the papers, and she didn’t want me to go find you but I did anyways. I hacked into your phone, got your location and followed it.” You shrugged.

“I didn’t sign no fuckin’ adoption papers. They must’ve been forged.”

“Well, whether you wanted me or not isn’t why I came. You’re still legally my dad. Your signature on that paper, no?” You pointed to it, and pulled out your phone and showed him a picture of him and your mom.

It was high school prom. And then you scrolled and showed him a picture of her holding you as a child, father not in sight.

“Fuck. She forged my signature? Fuckin’ course she did.” Tangerine mumbled, rubbing his temple in frustration.

“So, dad, what are you doing on this train?”

“We’re working. Where’s your mom? You should really get off. It’s not safe-“

“Oh, relax. It’s a train, what’s the worst that could happen?”

Tangerine and Lemon looked at each other knowingly.

————————————————————

“We needa get you off this damn train.” He mumbled when the white death had hung up, grabbing your hand and pulling you along. He stopped when he came across a girl. He quickly pulled you behind him.

“Oi, I know you! You’re that girl, aren’t ya?” He said, pointing to her.

“Oh my god.” She whispered.

“I never forget a face, me.”

“I’m so happy to see you both. Please.” She said as he walked towards her, gun still in hand. You quirked an eyebrow and peaked your head out from behind Tangerine.

“There’s this man and he was holding me hostage, he was wearing glasses and… he killed my uncle, and he also killed this other man who I don’t know, just kept talking about Thomas the trains and-“

“Tank engine.” Tangerine corrected, remembering how his brother had always corrected him.

And even though you just met Lemon, you really liked him. He was fun, and he labeled you a character even.

“Right, he killed them both, and then he said he was going to get away with some sort of money. I don’t know.”

“I’m- Im sorry darling, I don’t know who the fuck you are.” He said.

“I’m just a girl who was supposed to get off at Nagoya and then this man-“

“That was fuckin’ ages ago!”

“I know but this man, he just said that he would be a good backup plan and a pretty girl makes a good hostage.”

“Yeah, well he ain’t wrong there, but look keep your fucking knickers on alright?”

“Please just help me, please!”

“Alright, alright, calm down. Get off or do whatever the fuck you like, you’re free to go. Don’t know what you’re doin’ here anyway.” He moved past her when you noticed something on her back.

You looked at the sticker and then handed it to Tangerine who was about to leave.

“It was on her.” You held your hands up in defense when he gave you a weird look.

He looked back at her and turned around.

“Diesel. The absolute fuckin’ worse. Lil’ shit stirrer.” He sighed, you were behind him again now. “Lemon, God rest his soul, could read people, see em’ for who they really are. He was right, there’s been a diesel, running up and down this train, causin’ all sorts of fuckin’ havoc, and it was you the whole time! You dirty little diesel!” He pointed the gun at her. “You made lemon bleed, and lemon never bleeds.”

“Oh my god mr please help me!”

Ladybug looked at you then Tangerine, quickly pulling out his gun and pointing it at him. You looked at Tangerine and back at Ladybug, and you quickly pushed tangerine out of the way, before you could get out of the way, the bullet hit you. Your arm had a fiery pain, and blood seeped through your shirt.

You groaned and sat up, Ladybug staring in shock.

“Oh fuck. I didn’t really mean to do that-“ he said when he noticed Tangerines angry face. As much as he didn’t really want you, or even know you existed, he was responsible for you and he was technically your dad. He quickly attacked Ladybug, and the prince made a run for it.

“You bellend! She’s the one who did all of this!” He said, as he pinned Ladybug down.

“The girl?”

“Yes- obviously the fuckin’ girl!” Tangerine said, you groaned in pain, and that quickly interrupted his fighting. He stopped what he was doing, and turned back to you.

“I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to shoot you, shooting kids isn’t really my thing. Or anyone for that matter anymore.” The man shrugged, sitting across from you. Tangerine was looking around for anything to stop the bleeding.

“Here.” Ladybug mumbled, handing him a roll of guaze he just happened to have.

Tangerine grumbled something under his breath.

“This might hurt, yeah?” He said, looking at you.

You nodded and squeezed your eyes shut, he as carefully as possible, wrapped the guaze around your arm. He tried to stop the bleeding first, then when he found things to, clean the wound, and hopefully get to a hospital or something to get the bullet out.

You held your arm, and he looked at you, sitting next to you.

“Why’d you do that?” He said, trying his best not to sound angry.

“I… I dunno. I just.. didn’t wanna lose you after I just found you.”

Ladybug stared as if it was a movie, a very interesting and heartwarming movie. You both just ignored his existence.

And you missed the way his eyes softened, it was almost as if he was a kid again.

He stared, not knowing what to say.

“Well it was dumb. Don’t do it again.” He paused. “But thank you.”

You smiled widely “So you’re not mad?”

“I’m mad that you would do that-“

You shrugged “You’re my dad whether you wanted me or not.”

“I’ll give you a chance.” He shrugged, you smiled again.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. I guess it’s not your fault that your moms a psycho.”

You laughed quietly.

“Does that mean we can get ice cream after this?”

“After a hospital, you mean?”

“Yeah, I guess.” You sighed.

He laughed quietly and stood up again, grabbing your hand and helping you up.

[meeda]

Here’s a lengthy retrospective on how I grew up in an environment that was a lot more accepting of trans people, and how that left a positive impact on my views and beliefs today.

I think my first introduction to transexuality was in 2004 ish. I was 9 or 10 and there was this commercial on a filipino tv station for what I think was a phone provider. There was an older lady, along with who I assume was either a drag queen or a trans woman, dancing and singing a catchy jingle together. of course I was just a kid, so I thought, “huh, that’s kinda funny. Why is that man wearing a dress? How silly.” But I didn’t really think any further than that. I heard this commercial many times growing up, I even have the melody memorized to this day. I never once felt disgust or hatred for the “guy in a dress,” I just thought the commercial was funny. My parents never felt the need to explain it to me or shield my eyes or lecture me about gender roles whenever the commercial came on. They just treated it like a normal commercial. It was just a fun time with two people singing and dancing to a jingle about phone providers. Nothing deeper than that.

The next memory I can recall was my first time learning about transgender men. I think I was maybe 11 (so 2006 ish). There was a TV special on whatever channel my mom was watching where they interviewed an older trans man, who talked about his childhood growing up as a girl and why he decided to transition. Again, my mom didn’t like.. freak out or anything. She treated it like it was just another show she was watching. She didnt make any rude or disparaging comments about the guy, she just found the whole interview interesting. As for me, I was intrigued by this man’s story. First off, I was mind blown by how this person, who was born female, looked and sounded so much like a man. I didn’t think that was possible, but now I knew it was. Once again, I felt no hatred or fear or disgust. Just curiosity. I watched a bit of the interview, then got bored and carried on with whatever I was doing before.

Then when I was either 12 or 15 (I honestly can’t remember whether it was 2007 or 2010) I had my hair rebonded by a hairstylist in the Philippines. The hairstylist was an out and proud trans woman. She was recommended by my aunt, and my parents had no reason to object to her doing my hair. I didn’t talk much to the hairstylist, not because I was uncomfortable with her, but because I was just a shy and unsocial teenager lol. But my mom and my aunt had a great time talking to the hairstylist. Though I couldn’t understand much of what they were saying, it definitely sounded like they were all getting along. After the stylist left, my mom didn’t make any negative comments about her to me. And I once again never felt any kind of disgust towards her. She was just my hairstylist for the day, and that was it.

When I learned about transphobia later on in life, I was disappointed but not surprised. Obviously it was just another form of discrimination, which didn’t sit right with me. But it wasn’t just mere bigotry that bothered me. It was their reasoning. Every time I see a conservative or transphobe complain about how trans people are corrupting the youth or indoctrinating kids, I just think back at my childhood. Maybe it’s because I was introduced to transexuality in a very neutral manner, or maybe it’s because I was still young and politically unaware, or maybe it’s because my parents weren’t hateful bigots. But I never saw or heard anything negative about trans people growing up. As far as my young mind could comprehend, they were just people wanted to change their gender. Thats hardly a reason for them to be hated, and yet, conservatives find a way to hate them.

I’m someone who wants kids in the near future and I just know im gonna get hate from conservatives who think im “brainwashing” my kids by teaching them that different genders and sexualities exist. Because in their mind, I would be “forcing” them to learn “against their will.” But they couldn’t be more wrong. I’ll simply do what my parents did and approach it as if we’re a normal subject. Were my parents “forcing the trans agenda” onto me when they allowed the phone commercial to play? Were they “forcing the trans agenda” by letting me watch a non political interview of a trans man? Were they “forcing the trans agenda” by letting a trans woman rebond my hair? Obviously not. But if they had shielded my eyes, if they had made rude comments, if they had forbid the hairstylist from doing my hair, I guarantee it would have instilled some type of fear in my young and impressionable mind. I likely would not have grown up as accepting of trans identities as I am now. And I feel like that is what happened to most transphobes.

Looking back, I’m so grateful for my parents’ nonchalant attitude towards different gender expressions. I truly believe hate is taught, and it never once crossed their minds to teach me to hate another person for the way they express themselves. Considering they had catholic upbringings, they could have easily taught me to be uncomfortable, hateful, or even fearful of transgender people. Similar to how a lot of conservatives are today. My parents aren’t perfect, and like all of us they have their unchecked biases. But it gives me comfort that when I eventually become a parent, I have a good blueprint to follow.

[johnmeowston]

3, 4, 6, 8 for reigen :3

oh heavens the freaker ... the jerkr

3. How did your oc discover themself? Did something cause them to question, or did they always know?

i rememebr i wrote this down somewhere but 2 me he realized he was queer of some sort when he went to one of his sisters friends quinceanera and made out w the birthday girls older cousin behind the venue ... this was when he was like , a highschooler in arizona still . after this he was liek Hmm i think somethings up . he didnt act on these feelings until he was hitchhiking to jess' apartment like years later tho ..... not much else 2 think abt besides how you might be gay for your friendon the open road and such .

with his gender i think he always kindve knew , early on his dad kindve picked up on it and went "heyy y. i dont mind if you ... experiment . with your gender . yoru still my kid all the same 😁" to rei who, at the time, went "? Ok (doesnt think about this encounter until years later)". its also a main reason (2 me ) as to why connor bullied him a bit - in my brain milwaukee is a pretty ... closed minded town , so its only natural people would spread their bigotry onto their children < which is why when connor saw how rei was like "im a MAN" but (in connors mind) didnt make any "real" effort into presenting masc , he 1 thought rei was just doing it for attention and 2 sought out to "fix" him ....... < cornering him and cutting his hair along w just. General torment

4. Is your oc's environment supportive about their identity? How does this impact them?

until he was around middleschool he only really had the support of his dad < his mother being a devout catholic whereas his dad was laid back and also queer himself . after he died and they moved back to arizona rei just kindve caved in on himself and gave up on any presentation gender or sexuality wise ... until one day he felt too suffocated by it all nd went back to the one place he ever really Did feel accepted < milwaukeeeeee 😁and by extension jess nd ashe . the latter i dont know if they met later but i think their presence helps rei greatly ... nervous cheetah and emotional support dog type thang . when hes back w the gang he feels pretty comfortable w them and while he still has his moments of doubt from time to time he still feels confident that theyll never judge him (which they wouldnt thankfully). ave maria

6. How does your oc feel about labels? Theirs, or in general?

he would rather be gutted like a fish than talk about labels ... i dont think he feels all that comfortable w himself to say hes for sure gay ... and as for being trans , he keeps that shit LOCKED UP !!! very stealth with it ... even if being called a woman bothers him hed rather just take it and smile than out himself and risk being harassed . as he gets older he just stops gaf. i think hed just call ashe up randomly one day nd go "Hey .im gay." and then just hang up . theyd understand

8. Have they had struggles with their identity, be it due to internal or external reasons?

hes the prime struggler and transgender allegory ... if hes not actively repressing his feelings for guys then hes trying as hard as he can to come off as a cis guy . i think it stems from the hostile environment milwaukee generally is as well as internal stuff < after his dads passing his mom blamed his homosexuality for it and deemed him a sinner ... her side of the family also just talked shit abt him a lot 😭this diswayed rei Greatly from ever being open . even in his 20s i think despite him being more cool w being gay nd stuff hed still be a little nervous ... i dont think his anxiousness abt it would ever go away for realsies , but with time he wouldnt think abt it too much 👍

AVE MARIA can youtell i want him dead

[vlassk]

Banshee part 2

An- welcome back! Thank you all on the support from my Little Pilot. It gives me so much motivation to keep making these hoping you all get entertained by my writing.I Love writing this stuff for y'all.

Song-

Summary- After Y/N was taken she learned quickly that friendship is important when suffering. Something she never wanted to understand.

Warnings - stalk home syndrome, blood, panic attacks, crying, lots of Pain on my behalf

Paring- Henry creel/ 001 x reader

1959 --

Its been a few weeks after you Came to the Lab. After numerous of exhaustion experimence they finally cut your hair fully. You were sad but saw they did the same to the young boy who was there.

After Brenner figured out your power you were treated with my care. Even Brenner was close to you, at some point you started to actually call him Papa and think of him as family.

But eventually your name was erased. You were tattooed with 000 on your wrist, They called you Zero. And for once it felt like you weren't even human. You would be constantly tired. Every time you saw 001 he looked just as tired, but when you were in the Rainbow Room you found friendship was the only thing you had.

"You need to turn left and then right to continue" peter looked back at you, you were already Frustrated by the maze. You quickly restart following his rules and soon enough you were gliding through like it was no problem

"Thanks peter" you smile as you complete the maze, you looked over to him as he continued to draw. As you got up and looked over he stopped.

"What?" He looked over to you as you sat down.

"A spider?" You look down at the paper and turn your head

"That's cool" you get up again and walk over to the maze, doing it again. Peter turned around to look at you again, he was confused you liked or even was okay with spiders.

"So... How did you end up here" peter gets up to sit down next to you. At this point you didnt know how you Use or control your abilities. You didn't even know what it all meant. You didnt know why Peter was there or if he was just like you.

"Well... Uhm i did something not really good. Papa heard it and...well" you stop rolling the ball around and sit down comfortably. As you slow your words you look down, small tears falling.

"I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better my mom always knew...but she didnt like what I was-" before he could finish security guards come in abruptly.

"Number One please step away from her" one if the guards holds his hands out as another one slowly walks behind the kids.

"What why?" Peter was confused about it all, he looked down at you to see you worried and afraid, you picked your feet up into the couch, hiding in your knees.

"P-please i won't do it againn...I'm j-j-just a lit-tle sad" you stutter as you weep, the guards slowly approaching, Peter wraps an arm around you and as his hand lifted up the guards in front of him flew away, smacking against the tile walls and falling to the floor.

As you slowly looked up and began to turn you saw the other guard, with another quick swing he lifts the guard up and throws him back against the mirror, only cracking it as he fell to the ground. A small amount of blood fell down his nose.

You slowly look up at the boy who still had his arm around you. He looks down at you and whips his nose with one arm. On instinct you begin to cry more. Leaning into the older boy with tears falling down your face. He gets semi grossed out as he almost pushes you away

"NUMBER ONE?" Brenner walks into the room seeing the injured guards slowly starting to get up.

He looks over at you crying and a worried look is spreading across all their faces

"Number one. Please let her go and slowly back up" he slowly walks to the two.

Peter holds onto you more, as you cried into his arms, he didnt understand why they were afraid of This Little girl who cried into his arms.

"Papa... Those men were trying to hurt me...I just got a little sad" you slowly look up wiping your tears away.

"What made you sad Zero?" He crouches down in front of you two reaching his arms out to you, as you slowly pull away from Peter you speak again

"My momma...and my dad" As you wiped your nose you hugged Brenner him hugging back and looking at the confused henry. As he pats your back he speaks again

"Its alright you two. I understand you both were scared from recent events...number One they won't hurt you." As he walks away with you the guards come and guide Peter out. Brenner takes you to another test room and sits you down

"You're controlling your abilities well" he sat across from you, giving you tissues to clean up more.

"Now what made you sad again, don't worry you can cry" he gets his clip board out ready to write.

"I started crying because I thought about my family. But then the guards came and Pe-number one protected me. I got scared though. I didnt know he could do that" you sit comfortably on the small chair, trying to calm down.

"I'm sorry, I never told you His abilities out of thought that you might get confused. Might be scared of him as well. He doesn't know about you, so he was confused why our guards wanted to keep him away" brenner holds out his hand, holding onto your yours as you only got more confused.

"But why, I'm not Scary, I'm doing better" you whine a little, kicking your feet and pulling your hand away.

"I know zero. Right now you're weak though, you can't control everything and we don't understand who you are yet. "

"Or what I am.." You look up at him with sad eyes.

"No no, we know you are as human as me, as human as the guards and nurses here, you just have these special abilities we need to understand" after a few minutes of cheering you up a nurse comes to take you to bed.

Brenner goes to find Peter.

"Number One..." Brenner walks in the room, more cold and heartless.

"Papa..." He says slowly

"Why would attack our guards"

"Because they were going to hurt Zero, she's only a little girl she can't do anything against them" Peter only got more angry

"No Number one. You do not understand, the day we found you we found her by accident, her father led us to her, she can sense death and when You killed your family she knew. She felt them die and she knew where to find them... I'm explaining this to you so You Understand Number one."

"Understand what, so she can't control her powers like me but at least let her Mourn her family and be sad" peter goes to stand up, but brenner slams his hand down on the table next to him.

"No! The more we know about this the more useful she is, I know its sad boy but think about how much time she saves when people go missing. When we test her she Revealed these things Boy and You Need to understand that this isn't about you. Or what you can do"

Peter sits back down. A thought floats into his mind.

"I can be her friend Ya know, keep her happy here If you trust me enough" Peter smiles and leans forward. Both if them stare at each other for a minute. Having a few more words thrown and then, Peter was guided out by a nurse.

Peter usually thought you were just an annoying kid who was blessed with the ability you had, but some how whenever you got sad he felt like it was his job to cheer you up, not because he made a deal with Papa but because he felt bad, it was probably his fault you were found out. He could of let you live free.

It was more experimenting time. A few doors down was a man with a cat locked in a box. An item was placed on your head to track your brain waves. As you talked to Brenner you became increasingly more uncomfortable. You started to feel sad as you went through more and more random tests

"Papa...." You said quietly interrupting the nurses next task

"Yes Zero" he looked up putting down his clip board

"Go check on Tommy..." You say moving your feet Innocently in the chair.

"Tommy?...where is tommy Zero?" Brenner looks at you confused

"10 doors to the left papa... " you point out the door.

Brenner sends a guard to go to said room, brenner continues to right about what you're thinking. A few minutes later the Security guard comes back with the Cook Tommy being held.

"He was...he was about to Kill of the test animals..." Brenner slowly turns his head back to you, a small smile was planted ok you face. Brenner left to deal with the matter as the nurses helped you leave. Later on Brenner came back, asking you about the situation, he knew you could sense Death but didn't get to test.

As he questioned you more and more he Found out You did have a sense for death, knowing the feeling of death before it happens to others and knowing when it already had taken a soul. As you described your experience to him before your kidnappeing it all connected. Feeling intense emotions of sadness made you scream. That was something Brenner didnt want to touch on until you can fully control your emotions first.

"Hello One" you walked into the rainbow room again, looking at the boy taking his break.

"Hello zero" he looks up from the small couch and waves to you.

"How are you today?" You sit on the floor next to him. At this point its been a couple months of bonding, you both are very much now friends even though he sometimes gets annoyed with you.

"I'm just a little tired today. How are you, still a cry baby?" He laughs at his own joke, you look up and throw a random toy at him, him using whatever power he had to catch it midair and throw it back at you, bonking it on your head.

"Ouch!" You hold your own head for a second, once you out your arms down One gets up and pats your head.

"You're really mean One...and for your only friend you're extra mean" you stick your tongue out at him, only to watch him laugh and stand up.

"Who said we were friends" he smiles as stands up, flattening out his white clothes and walking to another area of the room.

"How rude!" You pick up a random ball and throw it back at him. He once again catches it and and letting it drop to the floor instead, wiping his bloody nose away.

For the rest of your break you two went around making small jokes and talking. It was a good few months.

As the years went by Papa found a way to separate you two, You were surrounded by nurses, your tests let you grow out some of your hair and you even got better at controlling your own abilities. The doctors semi praised you, you were good to them as they were kind to you.

But for Peter... He was only trouble. His deal of looking after you was torn away once he heard about the plans about more children, he would disobey, use his powers in order to try and escape and hurt. He was never really allowed to speak to you after that.

1962

"Zero... Someone wants to meet you" one of the nurses peeps out from your door, as you slowly get up and follow her down the halls you're greeted with a baby.

"Zero...this is Number two" another nurse holds the baby. Sitting down to show you.

You had no clue there was thoughts of other children joining

"A....a baby?" You took a small step back.

"Isn't he cute?" The nurse who initially brought you there tried to stop you. But you stormed off in a fit of rage.

They couldn't get new kids. Does that mean they had the same Fate, the same parents dying in front of them only to be taken by these people. Will papa hate you now? Throw you aside like 001

All these thoughts running through your mind as you ran, but then you ran into a solid figure. You fell back but was caught before you could smack your head against the ground.

"Y/n?" Your eyes meet Peters who slowly drops you in the ground

"Peter?!" You stand up and hug him abruptly.

Hes confused but hugs back slightly

"Uh hi?". Its been years since the two of you had the slightest bit of contact.

He looks down at you watching as your tears flowed down your face

'She's still like this' he thought to himself. Hes become more cold over the three years of being separated from most of the people who worked at the lab, and you.

"Papa...he...there's another one.." You sniffle in the boys chest, trying to compose yourself in front of your old friend.

"oh...you just found out. How sad" One pushes you away and begins to walk away

"Peter wait... I know I haven't spoke to you in forever and I'm sorry, I was so used to being treated kindly by the staff I couldn't ever see you. But please you have to help me get out papa has taken another kid, like me, like us we need to leave" you whisper at the end reaching out to hold into his arm.

He slowly turns and grabs your shoulders, turning you And walking into a closet and shutting the door.

"Oh now you're on board, for the past two years I've been planning But You're sweet papa has been separating us and torturing me everyday." peter pushes you more against the wall of the small closet getting more in your face

"I made a deal with him, only for you and him to go behind my back so You Could live a better life in this stupid hell hole. But now you want my help because the brought a baby?"

"Peter please. You don't under-"

"No Zero you dont understand... There's been more and more plans for children, ya wanna know why, because IM not in use anymore, I'm getting older I can't be controlled, how do you think they will continue this all? They used my blood to eventually make that baby you saw into something just like us" peter shoves you one last time into the wall, about to walk away again.

" PETER please.... Please we can leave, we can stop what they are doing, we can Live and be Free.." You grabbed his hand again, pulling him back. Those words floating in his head, Free... Live free. Peter pulls away and grabs your hand, pulling you back out the closet.

"Fine... We go right now then, you already messed up my plans..." You both run down the hallways. Trying to find the stairs to the bottom floor.

"What are you two doing out" a guard comes around the corner stopping you both.

"Uh...I...I needed to pee..."you say awkwardly, Tapping your foot.

"Uhuh...and you 001." The man walks up to the boy. Looking down on him.

"I...I was just talking to her. Its been a while ya know" he looks at you for a second turning back to the guard.

"Why dont i get your papa" the guard goes to turn around but as he does Peter lifts his hand once more pushing the man aside. Hitting him against a corner of the wall.

"Y/n run..." Within seconds another guard comes, as you try running and slams you into the floor. You look up to see Peter getting tazed. He lands on the floor, the other Guard who Peter first attacked got up, he kicked peter making the boy slide across the floor.

As you were being held down peter finds the strength to push the one on top of you off giving you time to run.

Instead you run to him kneeling before hiz body, the three all stand up looking at you two.

"What are you doing Y/n run!" Peter pushes you away more nudging at you to leave him.

Your brain begin to goes fuzzy, as more and more tears pour out of your face, you look at Peter, seeing him beat up, his body still shaking from the shock of the tazer. You look back at the men, one slowly approaching you.

"Please stay back, don't hurt peter" you cry out. The crying being more intense, your breathing not matching a certain pattern anymore. You look down at your lap, noticing how shakey your hands have gotten, the pain you're in the pain you feel from Peter.

As you slowly look back up at the guards your mouth opens. As it opens a Loud Screaching scream escapes. The guards try to back up but in the second that she opened her mouth That same Wave of Pure energy and sound blasted them back. Destroying the ceiling tiles and throwing the men in random spots. One slamming against the corner of the wall, one down the hall the and last on top of the first one. Their ears bleeding slightly.

Peter covers his ears in pure disbelief. He remembers hearing that screech that day. The day Brenner got him. He remembered hearing it down the halls sometimes.

He didnt know it was you, all he knew was that you could sense death. So many things flooded his head but the screaming stopped for a second. When he looked up he saw you on the floor, he gets up and holds onto you, seeing Brenner walk from behind them, more guards and nurses surrounding them.

"Its okay 001...we will help her don't worry, I'm sorry you saw her like this" brenner holds his hands out, finally approching them both and getting a guard to carry the girl. The nurse goes behind Peter, sticking him with something that made him tired. His vision going blurry, and soon enough fully dark.

You wake up in a dimly lit room you look ahead to see peter laying back in a chair.

"Puh-" you try to talk to your friend, your words slipping and fading into nothing.

"P-p...puh" you try again confused and afraid. Your eyes adjust to the lighting as you fully notice the boy, laying back with a bandage against his neck, you reach up and check yours feeling two. One on the side of your neck and one right infront.

"I'm...I'm sorry its my fault zero...I'm so sorry" you look up to the boy trying to speak again, feeling the pain if trying to, tears start running down your face, you get off your seat and try to open the Locked door, beginning to bang on it. You as just an 11 year old couldn't comprehend what just happened. Why you could only make a small wheeze.

"Zero...One, due to your Behavior today we've decided to finally make use of our new technology find. Peter you are no longer able to use your telekinesis... No more dragging those you think are below you around...." You look at peter as you hear Brenner on the large microphone, peter looks as angry as ever you can tell he's trying to break free from the room.

"Zero, I'm sorry but you can not longer sense the things you could before... We will find someone else to hold that gift eventually, oh and your voice will heal soon, the implant just takes a little bit for the body to accept" with that the microphone cuts and he's gone

You begin to cry more, Peter looks at you and his eyes slightly water, the immense guilt he feels just looking at what he got you into.

You try to scream, nothing coming out, trying to do anything you can to make anything more than a wheeze. You grip your throat in desperation trying even harder as the pain of the surgery cuts you more and more. As you only hear the small noises you hold the side of your head. Banging your hands on the side of your body and head, Peter gets up quickly and holds your arms down as you start to panic and flail around. He holds you still as you cry. Trying to calm you enough to stop you hurting yourself.

This was the first day of Hell.

The doctors started taking your Blood more, you could only eat and study. Your voice eventually Healed and you could talk again, your words were quiet and calm, never really raising, the sensor in your throat would shock you if you screamed to even call someone's attention. And as the years went by Papa only had more children.

You would sneak out of your room to hang out with Peter. You two didnt see a use to using your Numbered names because to the children, you didnt exist. You didn't even exist to Brenner anymore.

1963

Until one day, the day Peter thought it was a great idea to convince Papa that You and him should work there. Watching over the Children making them feel safe and loved, teaching them more things the nurses couldn't.

And somehow he succeeded.

[no-one-ever-questioned]

.

kicking ans crying becuse i cant fix it myself but ive already asked for help once an d dont want to ask again and fucking i cant do it wont fucking verify it even though i have the correct email wont fucking verify AND isnt sending to my email address thing FUCK head hurts and things have been utter shit and i want to vent to them but head wont let me noise and lights hurt wont talk and cant talk but get yelled at??? was stuck in car, lights too bright sounds too loud couldnt talk or show upsetness but was scolded my sister? been happening more lately feeling off too turning 17 soon scared i dont want to means more pressure but slo being older is good means i can get out sooner and gte the others out sooner too having crisis's want to date and cuddle and kiss and be loved on but dont want to go asking people out and feel weird every time someone asks when i will date dont wanna but also wanna? id ont understand tired hurting didnt know coffee creamer had cinnamon in it and had to suffer through it got yelled at for wasting a cup of coffee so tired feeling weak but i dont feel like im doing enough? i know im not doing enough for everyone im a shit friend ik that idk why they stay would hrut if they left but im no good for anyone at all want to cry but voice is saying we're not safe enough to cry should listen to voice one of the few reasons im living rn their so gentle yet so harsh demanding but soft? conciousness maybe? idk mom keeps hounding me about being outside too hw i used to enjoy outside i dont anymore i used to love it ig when you force someone into something they hate repeatedly then they will start desping what they loved heads spinning again wanna hit a wall and cry now not okay but want to be okay? having difficulties breathing sister wont stop asking me when i'll get a bf idk what to tell her anymore maybe fuck off would be a good start nah id get yelled at dont feel right feel weird body isnt right im not right im not here? eerything feels distant like i cant rlly be touched or harmed by it? but ik i can? idk anymore i want it all to stop all of it i wanna fix everything i cant

[windose20s]

HEY hi hello hey!!! here is a swap!celeste 4 u today!!!

pop sensation!celestia, 1/2 main best friends to my beloved detective!chihiro !! (her image is also updated because i forgot some formatting stuff on theirs)

backstory + misc design blurbs utc!

she paints chi’s nails sometimes :)

ok i’d like to preface this with the fact that i..didnt even skim her wiki page for this. to be fair why would i theres like! barely anything on there thats true anyways

so if i mischaracterize her sorry!!!! its probably a combo of me trying to make her a bit less like how she is in Canon (a little bit more likable on the surface. think how kyoko is generally reserved but isnt directly mean/rude! kinda like that) and how i understand her character solely through fanfic lol

anyways here it is ,, :

celestia has always owned a natural talent towards singing. she’d put on concerts in the living room during her younger years and even being placed in choir in the later years of elementary.

celestia grows to not quite like her parents, however, they were loud and rude to her about her (admittedly, outlandish) dreams of living comfortably as a rich woman with her cat.

they accepted her eccentricities when she was young, but as she grew older, they pressured her more and more to conform to what’s normal.

however, 15yo celeste, ripe in her gender transition and subsequent rebellion from what’s expected of her, does NOT care! she’s gonna do whatever the hell she wants, thanks!

she’s been saving her allowance to eventually get herself something big, something other than random junk she gets bored with in a week. she spends it all on cosmetics - she buys a long black wig with clip-on pigtails (certainly not to the size of her canon ones, more like cosplay wigs) and bleaches and dyes red streaks into it herself.

she buys a shitload of make-up with what’s left of the remaining money, following every tutorial she thinks she may needs in order to successfully give off the aura she desires. it’s good enough.

she’s never had a problem stealing her mom’s clothes - even if it means slaughtering and reincarnating them into a fashionable outfit with her average sewing skills.

she begins sneaking out at night - as much as she’d love to wave her rebellion in her parents’ faces, the last thing she needs is her belongings burned in an incinerator in an effort to make her stop.

she sings for crowds, whatever trashy pop song that’s latest hit the charts that they request she sing along to a youtube karaoke of. of course, she’s made a decent enough effort to keep up with what’s popular so she knows the tune of the songs she sings and how to sing them correctly.

eventually her talent is spotted and she’s scooped up by an agency, who agrees that her group should retain her aesthetics - she performs her best when she’s looking her best.

when chosing a stage name, she recalls the european royalty she shares her dreams of living in castles with, and how their lavish and respected lifestyle represents what she wishes she could have.

for some solace, she chooses the first distinctly european name that comes to mind (as she’s scrolled through wikipedia and behindthename in fits of boredom during school many a time) - celestia ludenberg. a fittingly extravagant name for someone like her, she thinks. she likes it.

over time she grows far too attached to it and it’s no longer just a stage name, it’s her name. at first she was fine with settling for the feminine version of her original name but it’s not quite for her. she makes a conscious effort to pressure any needed documentation on her to be changed respectfully.

the rest is old news, she blows up and gets famous, gets scouted (as she’s the group leader) yada yada

[minccinoocappuccino]

Out of all twst characters why leona? (genuine)

ahhhh well tbh when i started playing it was Kalim n Ruggie that were my number one but after hearing Leona's backstory i was like yes this is the man for me (i actually started twst on chap 2 i skipped chap 1 cus i wanted to see Ruggie sjsjsjssj) so Leona means a lot to me cus his struggles i understand v v well n its crazy how close it is to mine sjsjsjsjsj uhhh gonna talk about sort of mental stuff so just a heads up to anyone reading My sister is 15 years older than me which is around the same age difference at Leona n his older brother My sister was the straight a golden child my mom clearly had a fav n it fucked me n my other sister up bad n self esteem n it still affects our lives today nothing i did was good enough cus my oldest sister already did it n better so mom never cared when i was 13 (near or same age as leona when cheka was born) my sister had a baby n oh boy it was terrible mom acted like me n my other sister didnt exist this baby was her pride n joy n they keep trying to push the baby onto me n make me love her a watch her n stuff which just made me distance more from them (which is y leonas sister n law mad wrong for always gettting on leona for family thing with cheka) like i would have came around way faster f they let me go at my own pace n while im def better with it now when i see leona i see myself i know how he feels i know how depressing n unwanted it makes u feel n i get the inferiority complex it gives u n how u just wanna give up cus like u know what u do isnt gonna b good enough u tried n didnt get anything from it so u just stop n dont want to do anything

n while i do find leona hot like i said at first he wasnt my fav i get his struggle n i love how smart he is n how he hides how he feel cus i do that do my friends all say im a mix between ruggie n leona so i def feel a lot for him cus i understand y he does some of the things he does not saying hes n the right but i can understand his though process i think the chap 2 did do bad writing some things out n ppl def dont give him as much lead way as they do other characters that did the same VIl but u can def see his personality n events n cards he acts like he doesnt care but leona cares alot n that eats at him he wants to act indifferent but even ruggie calls him out for not being honest n i love that ;-; I think savanclaw is a good thing for him cus while he wont admit it he is happy he has a place where he feels he belongs n feels wanted there his coalition n i love that for him ahh ;-; sorry i hope this isnt to long or winded i really have lots to say about leonas character n stuff also idk y ppl keep stepping on his tail u would think going to a school with beastmen would make u watch where ur walking more often

[i-like-potatoes]

ty for your reply! its me my liberation notes anon! since my ask i was planning to come and talk about it more but i got soaked into the story every day that i didnt break out of it but the ep i just watched was too heavy not to get away from. their mom died :'( and so suddenly? i was not expecting it and it scared me to death... like one minute shes checking if her daughters bf is someone she should marry and the next, shes gone? god.. the scene when theyre at the funeral just breaks me. but one thing i really relate to is the sibling dynamic. my siblings and are i not that close. we're like roommates like they are.. and i always get a little jealous of families and siblings that were close cus im wondering what thats like. but when they had that moment together on the beach :'( god a lot has happened i dont even know what else to talk about. like i relate to each of their stories in different ways. i understand the exhausted mom, i get the sister wanting to find love, i get the one that has someone and lost him, i have the older brother that wants to take a break... also gu calling mijeong after idk how long ahhh 🥺 i hate how he left and how much she could've used him there but he has his own life and i really wonder how they all up and left to seoul. but this has been one of the most engaging dramas and nothing /that/ grand has happened. its just life, and its still very much so interesting. also the little comedy moments in the show is hilarious. i have 2 more eps left 😭

hi anon! i'm happy that you got back to me!! i wrote my previous reply assuming that you already finished the series, i'm sorry for that. did i spoil anything? 😅

this one’s pretty long so i kept the rest of my answer under the cut.

i understand what you mean. my liberation notes might not be for everyone, but once you connect to the characters and their stories, your heart opens up a little space for them to sit in.

about their mom :(( i did not see that coming either. it was so sudden that the only thing i could think of was that i'm glad that hyesuk had a bit of some good moments with the kids: asking mijeong if she's still in contact with mr. gu, sneaking in to see what kind of person gijeong dates, and that truck race with her husband and changhee.

i totally get you about the sibling dynamic. i have siblings too, although they're much younger than i am. we bicker a lot, we criticize each other's decisions, we get annoyed by each other's existence. but there are times where we just talk about deep things (life, plans, politics, etc.), talk about our worries and perhaps dreams, agree on the things we hate, and disagree with the things we love. sometimes, we just sit in comfortable silence, and that's it. that kind of thing. i remember you talking about the situation you're in from that ask where you found me in the replies. i hope that you're hanging in there, and i hope that you have someone, or maybe find someone, to speak your mind to.

the scene in the beach is so beautiful and emotional. i have no words for it (too).

like i relate to each of their stories in different ways.

yup, it's too realistic. you just resonate with them. that's why i can't hate gu for leaving like that because i see where he's coming from. i'm just really happy how mijeong and gu were all smiles the first time they met after a long time instead of dragging the heartache. i loved how they enjoyed their sunday saturday too.

but this has been one of the most engaging dramas and nothing that grand has happened. its just life, and its still very much so interesting.

right?! it's amazing how park hae young (writer) managed to write these characters and bring a drama into life. a piece you can really call a slice of life.

also, please tell me your thoughts when you're done watching. i wanna hear them!

btw, anon, are you the type of person who watches the intro of the shows they watch? i'm not sure if you noticed, but there's a bit of change in the opening from ep 13 (i think?) onwards. anyway, i really am emotional for the shows i watch, and i remember being so overwhelmed by the music that i ended up crying when i heard the change in the intro. weird.

[faggotmox]

oh fuck i'm abt to talk abt growing up the child of alcoholics with a bryan as an older brother so scroll on or hit read more, i do not care.

my moms drank herself to death. she drank our whole lives & well before it. my dad too but he's a passive drinker. anyways, the point being my mom was fucked up, she had mental health issues & came from a physically & emotionally abusive home. as a child she was kept from her father after her parents divorced, her mother beat her at times, & she often had to protect her little brother who is kinda slow.

guess what kinda environment she made for us? my moms never laid hands on us, but she abused emotionally & mentally. the shit she did always raised alarm bells with me (crawling into my bed, drunk at early hours as she cried abt how she's a bad mom to me & things along these lines). my brother did not see these things are red flags or alarms.

my mom & I were my brother's only blood relatives here bc my mom took him from his dad after her divorce & moved across the country (huh kinda like how her mom kept her from her dad after their split, huh???). my dad was a fine father to us (aside from the drinking & queerphobia) but he was only my brother's dad by default which is proved now after my mom's passing & my dad doesnt really want anything to do with my brother.

anyways, my mom was all my brother had. so there was always an excuse or a reason why what she was doing was okay or fine or didn't matter. ofc we never had big blow up abt shit, bc in real life people just die they don't have big dramatic bullshit. but bryan's point of view, his excuses, his reasoning, runs parallel to my brother's feelings & place. i was the one trying so hard to get him to see, so he didn't get fucked up by her. i never wanted to like cut my mom out, maybe get her help but yeah she died before that, i just didnt want my brother wrapped up in her issues which caused issues in him.

i the kid that realized i was an alcoholic & got to work on that. my brother didn't, he still doesn't see what she did & we are going five plus years post death by drinking. & we watcher her kill herself, she was told to stop drinking & she pared down. drank "only" beer & wine, nothing hard, & ofc that was still making her sick. she eventually got sick enough she couldn't drink really.

so much of the emotional charge between regal, bryan, & mox, all people who have first hand experience with life threatening addiction, is so fucking real. if youve never been in it, like we have, you may not understand the pain these three are sharing & presenting to us. ive been mox holding onto the rope, shaking & wanting to plead for bryan to see but knowing he wont. ive been bryan, blinded by the love of someone important & special something unconditional. & ive been regal, a drunk who has hurt the people around me.

god that fucked me up. but it did it's job. it got under my skin, it triggered me & forced me to deal with certain feelings ive compartmentalized. as a person who has lived, in a way, every aspect of this story they're telling...its accurate & it hurts & its fucking painful & it's good. as hard & painful & unwanted as this is for me, its also good for me. & as someone who cant fathom putting that out there, on a national stage, i respect what they're doing bc it must be fuckin hard.

i lost over a year's sobriety on October 25th. i only got a few weeks under me anymore. & in a way this reminded me that it's going to relapse, that it's part of recovery, & i can move forward from here. its fuckin dumb that this shit can work, like when it's something you want to & need to see, art can work really well to help you realize shit. it fuckin sucks but im not alone. my mom wasn't alone. my brother isn't alone. even if we don't quiet see it.

[mooifyourecows]

my mom is super pissed and super dissapointed BUT knows i wasnt involved and understands why i didnt act differently so i think ill be okay with her. my sister who wasn't involved (my older sister) is super pissed, but again not so much with me but mostly with my other sister because she did participate , but my older sister did scream at me for a few minutes, which made her a little less mad, and i desereved it. she also cant yell at my other sister because shes actially fucking crazy when she has to face the consequences of her actions and would likely do something irreversable because she feels like shit about what happened nd my older sister knows that, which kind of pissed her off more, but i think itll mostly be okay.

ive also decided i will not see any of those people aside from my sister outside of school, and will not speak to them or interact with them unless they initiate, and i will keep it short. im tired of being dragged into shit that i dont wanna be a part of. also that boy did take responsibility for one of the things used being his, so hopefully my sister and i will not get drug charges , but my 'friends' literally said they lied to the police. i dont know if thats true or if they just dont want everyone to think they snitcehd , but i refuse to be involved with people who think its okay to break the law and when they get caught, to do it again. theyre stupid and i cant deal with that. especially when half of them are shitheads who dont like me anyways.

ive also decided to see if i can tutor after school and also write handwritten letters to the officers superintendent and principal to attempt to get my reputation back. i know you said it doesnt matter, and its probably pointless to even worry about, but i do really care what these people think of me, and i want them to trust me and believe in me and support me. i am nothing without my reputation and intelligence at this school. all these people have known each other since diapers and have lives to fall back on. they have family farms and loyal friends and support from their community. i dont have that so i want to earn support and loyalty and this is the only way i know how.

i really appreciate the support through all my struggles ive shared with you. even thought you arent in my life physically and youre just some cool person i know from the internet who writes silly stories i like , its nice to feel like someone cares about you. ive always found it difficult sharing my thoughts and feelings, especially with adults mostly because i didnt want to be judged, and i dont feel judged with you, and i can get advice from someone with more life experience. thank you for that. i hope youre doing well, especially after your surgery(?)

I'm proud of you for setting up new boundaries and distancing yourself from those people. But I hope you also know that its not fair for your older sister and mom to use you as a scapegoat because your other sister isn't mentally stable enough to take her fair share of the punishment. Just because she can't handle it doesn't mean you should have to handle double the dose of yelling and anger. That's not healthy, especially since you were already an unwilling party to that whole experience.

And I hope you realize that you have worth and value outside of what people think of you! It's okay to be concerned with your reputation but keep in mind that nobody will truly understand the real you because they're not in your head all the time. They will judge you on only what they see and believe about you so it's impossible to curate a perfect image. But that's okay! People aren't meant to understand one another to such degrees anyway. It's alright to be flawed. We are all just works in progress, trying our best to make the most of what we've got

You'll understand this more and more the older you get. And your desire to be seen in a good light by others will fade as you realize that yours is the one true opinion that REALLY matters. Once you start liking and respecting yourself, everyone else can take a long walk off a short pier 😌

Stay positive! Things can and will always get better 🖤

[ungirthed]

want to make a place for my thots of anything with no viewers if i remember to come on here. i cant believe i keep having to make these since i end up getting followers and interacting. but i'm an adult with shit to do irl and things to fight and this fandom is almost 20y old so idt i will do that. lol. just finished atla like 20y too late cos my parents hated me and my bro watching tv growing up. journaling/blogging thots!!! ugh. i wish i didnt hve adhd and dyspraxia lmao gonna split them up so i dont get overwhelmed reading my bullshit. if u stumble upon this it doesnt make sense sry

politically a lot of critique that i have to think about. character and plot wise it was pretty good and tight esp for a kids show. amazing female characters. can't wait for the bi agenda from LoK but i may take a while for that. p much i have to say these are great characters and i could talk a lot about them but i'm shocked at what i took away with regards to the romantic rships from the show and the characterization via it.

re love lines:

i wish kataang was written better in the show (MY opinion if any1 stumbles upon this). i don't ~ship~ zutara bc i am an adult and even back then no cos who cares lol but i see the appeal and am attracted to that. i do think we have to retire the trope of the "both sides but falling in love" not because it isn't possible but because post 10/7 (free palestine) i don't think it's worth it to look at it this way anymore. until someone proves themselves not worthy of death because of the resistance fighting back then they NEED TO PROVE THEMSELVES IMMEDIATELY. no more of this i'm in a concentration camp but he's a nazi bullshit. no more i'm a slave but he's the slave master's son (i mean in this case u could have been related but no1 listens to me!) it's repetitive, reductive, and untrue.

that being said: i just never care about the typical bildungsroman love story. you see the One Person bc i guess the kids tasked with saving the world have to be monk-adjacent (in aang's case quite literally) bc understandably theyre so fucked up lol. but it's always sooooo boring to me esp if it's f/m.

katara is such a complex character and mae whitman brings a wisdom to her voice that can be frustrating to connect with for me but her character arc, her strength, her MIND, her heart, and her fists. i think ppl probs like zutara the most when shes' going batshit and no one can understand aang's perspective. but aang is one of a kind and the cutest smartest sweetest loser ever. not my fav char but i love him. he's like if i had a younger brother and not an older one lmao.

of course they're (kataang) together. they were meant to be from the moment they saw e/o and that stupid cave kiss...this is why you don't wait until 32 to watch this lol.

but nothing surprised me and it was meant to be the way it was written. that's also why i find it understandable but shocking people in the universe and apparently outside of it were surprised at aang's turmoil over ozai. like are you joking? he's a 12 year old vegetarian monk. which: i loved his vegetarianism and obviously he was going to be but very casually they put in a line that hints as to why he would be and why many of us are...so i am dedicated to it again.

so wrt that and zutara...the episode where he's with her with the dude that killed her moms and his support of her i can see why people like them. the cave ep obviously but this show is veryyyyy free with affection i noticed and there's some jealousy but they all get over that pretty quickly. i read some of the comics and i could see different rships happening and i definitely think this world lends to queerness (me personally i love monogamy but a certain type lol so not rly interested in much poly but i do like a throuple) but i could see most being bi+ or having identified as that in the past, or labeling themselves but nto limiting. that's just an aside for meee...

so like katara was being katara. i could see suki and zuko being romantic but also a deep friendship that could be deeply affectionate either affect or physically or both bc that's who these ppl are. katara is a very intense person and that's part of why she can be annoying. that's part of why they ALL can be overwhelming. theyre intense, traumatized, repressed kids and teens with mostly good hearts (or just a person so disconnected from herself but also a fascist so u know. her going nuts lol)

hmm what else oh yea. so i came away with maiko......gjpasig the show was paced and plotted well. i am a libertarian communist (anarcho-commie) so MANNNNN i wish they did better on that front but again i must remember i am 32, ancom, and the world is diff. but anyway lmao so team avatar is who i would want to spend time with but i got so interested in mai and ty lee (mailee...). that beach ep conversation was so good, that whole ep, their argument. it was extremely teenage and showed how fucked up they all are. how confused and fucking lost and pathetic. how small their lives are. how boring....so mai...

[carelessflower]

This is just Alec finding a family in laws and stuff that support him and shit. (My OC is back) takes two months after Malec in Europe, and its christmas day. Also James and Lucie Tessa children are younger here.

"Why cant your family be like mine?" Alec said outloud, he instantly regretted it as Magnus looked at him, they were both in Magnus's bed, under the covers. The snow was coming down fast from outside of his window.

"What do you mean?" Magnus questioned, yeah his family was not perfect, but looking at the Lightwoods they seem more sane then his, but Magnus only slept over at theirs for two days, while Alec has a key to the house, which his dad leant him. Magnus didnt understand.

"My father and I have a difficult relationship, he wants to know if im bringing over a girl or doesnt talk about my hobbies, my sibikings are okay, but they can be a handful, and our parents leave for work in Spain, letting me look after them for a long peirods of time. My mother is okay but she is also difficult to talk too." Alec was venting, letting all his emotions unload.

"It cant be t-"

"My father and mother were part of a hate group, my father is a homophobe. I look at you and your dad, and it seems better." Alec was stairing at the ceiling, he loved his family, but he wishes he would swap with anyone for one day.

"Well you know what happened to my mom. My dad on the hand, he is also difficult to have a conversation with, he makes me angry, or just sad, then again im not a great son. Alec, families come in different shapes and sizes, you find family in your friends, and loved ones, and you join new ones, my family like you, my dad gave you a key to his place, your own family loves you. Look at Clary, her dad is fucking Valentine." Magnus kissed his boyfriend forehead.

"True, thanks for listening." Alec kissed him back.

"Its what im here for." Magnus said, he got out of the bed, and put his Christmas sweater on.

"We need to go downstairs my family will be coming soon." Magnus stretched, as Alec grabbed his black shirt and pulled it over his head. He heard his boyfriend kiss his teeth. He looked up.

"Its Christmas Alexander, not a funeral." Magnus stated, he walked over to his walk in closet and pulled out a red and green shirt that has sequens sewed on, which read out. **be yourself, everyone else is taken.**

He threw the shirt at him, as Alec sighed, taking his top off and pulling the other shirt over. It was a bit tight, but he can manage.

They both walked down two flights of stairs, they walked into the kitchen, the smell of roasted meat and vegetables, and the heat of the ovens hit them.

"How many people are coming over." Magnus said, taking a bite out of the baked brownie.

"Fucking, all of them. Also put that brownie down Bane." Asmodeus said from the second kitchen, Alec chuckled, Magnus rolled his eyes, as he put the half bitten brownie down next to the other batch.

"Dont put it down next to the batch Magnus." His dad called out from the kitchen.

The doorbell rang, as Magnus and Alec walked out of the kitchen, he opened the door, and in walked Stanley, and his sister, Charlie. Alec noticed how Charlie's eyes were darker, and her hair had a tinge of pink dye in it. Behind them, stood a taller, slender, pale man, with black hair that was swept back, he was holding two suitecases.

"Stanley, Charlie." Magnus hugged them both, as Stanley hugged Alec.

It was two months ago, that they were in Europe. Alec's parents or sibilings still had no idea.

"Oh Stan, I was wondering if I can have your number." Alec asked, as Stan nodded, getting put his phone, and giving his number to Alec.

"You guys are early, hi Luci." Asmodeus said, as he hugged his older brother.

"The others are coming later I presume then." This Luci said, as he walked into the lounge. Alec heard the strong British accent that came from the man, his own children had softer accentsn

Alec, Magnus and his cousins went to the games room, which was through a hallway, and passed many rooms, until you got to the end. The door opened, four couches were in one corner, a beanbag next to it. There was a foosball, and a gaming console, and a snooker table.

"I heard you were moving out." Charlie said sitting down on the couch.

"Yeah I got us an appartment."

"You two are going to move in." Stanley smiled, as he went to the snooker table.

"Alec you play?" He called out.

"Yeah." Alec said, as he grabbed one of the cue sticks as they started to play. Magnus and Charlie watched, as the doorbell rang through the house, they heard conversation and laughter.

"So..your other dad is not coming?" Magnus said looking at Charlie.

"He wanted to come, to meet you, he hasnt seen you, just heard about you, but our dad said he needs to run a country. You know how it is." She looked sad, Magnus could sense that, he wrapped his arm around her, and he gave her a quick squeese.

"Its okay."

Alec was now beating Stanley, as Magnus chuckled.

"Okay let me play. Come on Charlie we can show them who can win." Magnus stood up, as Alec went on Stanley siden

"Its on." Alec said, as they started to play, Clary, Sebastian, and Johnathan walked in, followed by two other females.

"Hi Stan." Johnathan said, kissing his boyfriend. "Oh Alec your mother is here." He added, Alec nodded, putting the cue stick down, and went out to greet his mom, his sibilings were sittig on the couch, he went red, as all eyes were on him, there were a few people that he didnt know.

"Alexander its a pleasure meeting you." Jem said, hugging him.

"Alec can we play Uno." James said, pulling at his hand.

"Yeah, hello mom." Maryse hugged her son, as Alec picked up James.

" Come on then." He said, as he held Lucie hand as they walked to the gaming room.

"This is soo cool." Lucie aaid, running over to the ice hockey table.

"Who is winning." Alec said.

"Us." Charlie said, as Jace and Isabelle walked in, along with Simon. They were sitting on the couch talking.

"Hi Hannah, Ellyas didnt you see guys there." Alec said, as they sat down.

"Do you know what we are having." Simon whispered to Alec, some kids ran in, as they were now playign with the ice hockey table, James sat next to Alec, he got his Uno Cards out, as he handed them to Alec to shuffle.

"I think Chicken, some roasted vegetables, and other stuff." Alec said.

Stanley was now talking to Johnathan, while Magnus was playing with the little ones.

"Kids lunch." Someone called, James groaned, as Lucie dragged her brother away

They were all sitting down, Johnathan next to Stanley, Clary and Jace, Magnus and Alec, Izzy and Simon, and Charlie and Hannah and Ellyas were sitting next to each other.

"So are you guys gonna tell us the truth." Isabelle said looking at her brother.

"What?"

"You guys were in Europe two months ago." Jace stated.

"Um..yeah we were." Alec said

"Well thats unfair." Isabelle play slapped her brother's arm.

"Mom doesnt know." Alec stated, he had lied to his mom, about where he was.

"Look it doesnt matter." Magnus said.

A gasp came from Simon, as he was now looking at the door, a purple haired male stood there.

"Um..do you want to eat now or later."

"5 mins uncle Levi." Charlie stated , Levi nodded and walked back.

All eyes were now on Simon.

"You didnt tell me your uncle was Leviathan." Simon was shocked, his face was red.

"He is Simon fav youtuber, slash streamer."

"So thats the famous Leviathan." Jace said, smirking.

"I thought you knew." Magnus said.

"We should go out." Stanley stated to no one particular.

"In this weather." Sebastian said from behind, making the group jump.

"Forgot you were there Seb." Johnathan slapped his brother's arm away from his face.

"Why not. Come on." Stanley said, getting up and walking to the lounge, the rest followed.

ohhhh

[wondermentishere]

not posting this for an audience, but since this a public account… ***TW: EATING DISORDERS***

ive recently accepted that ive had an eating disorder all of my life… my earliest memories of getting ready for daycare wasnt healthy at all. the way i examined and processed my body… tweaked my clothing with the knowledge of how important being desirable was.. i remember learning what being skinny meant and looked like. at daycare, i mustve been like 6 years old. me with a group of girls a couple years older than me were evaluating how flat this one girl’s stomach was. from that moment on, i held my belly tight and flexed in public at all times, a mechanism i know ill carry for the rest of my life. i remember being in my room alone, up late watching cartoons on a weekend eating a big bag of hot cheetos. i stuffed myself so full, i vomited all over my little sister’s trundle trying to make it to the toilet in time. i remember being in the 3rd grade looking at my school pictures, loving how you could see my abs through my tight blue shirt. i remember in the 4th grade, my mom bought us subway and i finished my meal before anyone else even started on theirs. she looked at me puzzled, chuckled then called me a nerd. i cried… that was the beginning of her insulting me as a reflex. she felt bad and asked me if i wanted her to go back to the restaurant to get me more. i declined out of humiliation. back then it didnt matter to me how much i stuffed myself. i was such an active kid that even when i fell asleep with a swollen belly, i woke up so empty it hurt.

5th grade i started making close girl friends for the first time since preschool. they always straightened their hair and thought i should to. boys thought they were cute, but no one liked me in that way. i was the nerdy goofball that didnt know how to groom myself properly. white stuff around my overly poked out lips and boogers constantly in my nose. i made my own outfit for the toderick hall play i was starring as a munchkin in and remember looking down at my clothes and feeling ashamed at how much better the other kid’s costumes were. my mom noticed my demeanor change whenever we were walking up to the venue. she told me not to be self conscious. waiting in the dressing room with all the pretty white girls was the first time i noticed how uncomfortable i am looking at myself in the mirror with other people, specifically women are around me. im still like that to this day. sometimes i submit to exposure therapy and force myself to acknowledge my reflection while im washing my hands. i dont understand why it is so painful for me to do. i remember hugging this boy i had the biggest crush on goodbye the last day of school and he called me dirty and disgusting in front of other people, including my bestfriend, after i walked away. she proudly repeated it back to me later that day. i just felt numb. i didnt let it penetrate me emotionally but i did feel humiliated and annoyed.

i just felt ugly in the 6th grade. kids were mean about my natural hair, i didnt have boobs like the popular girls. i just wanted to fit in and started wearing bows (i never wore bows) and wearing 2 bras to give the illusion of a more developed chest. my deceptive behavior got noticed once in the locker room and my ex bestfriend laughed at recalling the exposure over a decade later (i admit it was pretty funny). whenever puberty started to hit in the 7th grade is when i really started obsessing over maintaining my thinness. i felt so lonely and finally could identify my emptiness watching interviews of sullen musicians i adored. i was looking through pictures from the year before with my mom and she made a comment how i “wasnt boney anymore” like i use to be. that bothered me. i wanted to be as skinny as michael jackson. i wanted a “dancer’s body”. i didnt want boobs. i wanted to wear deep v necks over the flattest chest. i wanted to be on stage.

7th grade i purposefully started skipping lunch. mainly cause for the first time, i finally had friends i could count on to eat with everyday. they rarely ate lunch. we didn’t even go to the lunchroom, we just chilled in the band room during that time. i never had money to eat at school anyway and the lunches my mom packed me were embarrassing to eat in front of everyone. she was kind of a health freak and smushed wheat pb&js in a brown plastic kroger bag always got turned up noses from my peers. ive been embarrassed to eat in front of other people since the subway incident in the 4th grade and the fact i never had anything “cool” to eat didnt help either. sometimes my mom would make me lunch and i would let it sit in my backpack for days. gross shit. my mom sold herbal life and sometimes watery shakes were the only “meal” i was interested in downing for the day. i got my first iphone and had a calorie tracker on it. i would workout hard after karate and step practice, making sure i was in a calorie deficit to set me up for success the next day. i use to love waking up and immediately going to the mirror to admire how skinny i was. i loved my abs.. but still i was never satisfied with my body. this behavior carried over until my 8th grade year.

i remember being weighed for the school’s “Pacer Test” and noting the defeat i felt going from 114 lbs as an 7th grader to 120 lbs. my curves were coming in, my boobs were developing. back in the 6th grade i would wear two bras cause i felt like an outcast, this year i purposely only wore sports bras that i had outgrown at an attempt to bind my chest. i remember taking a break in the bathroom with my friend at a football game we were cheering at. i thought she was paying attention to something else and stopped flexing my bloated stomach for just a moment. she noticed and call it out “oh you got a gut on you”. i immediately sucked it back in and didnt really acknowledge her comment out of embarrassment. sometimes when we would wear the same cheer shirt to school she would go around asking boys who wore it better. i really did not like that shit.

the cycle of binging and restricting was very prominent throughout all of highschool. i finally could scrap up enough money to get pizza and hot cheetos everyday. i didnt have friends to sit with though and felt humiliated sitting in the lunchroom alone or with other random outcasts i barely said a word to. i considered eating in the bathroom like the movies but determined it too gross. so i would scarf down my food and either sit in the library on twitter or search for queer books until lunchtime was over. sometimes i would hide out in the girl’s lockerroom. i was a student athlete and conditioned pretty hard everyday. i remember walking around in the gym after practice and my coach told me i “looked fit” haha. i went back home and told my mom and she agreed with a hint of resentment in her tone. i would body check my stomach routinely. i just didnt like how big my arms were. they were toned but not muscular. they looked fat to me. my armpits to this day dont have that sunken look ive always wanted. i kept my chest strapped down at all times, wearing the same sports bra over and over again.

in 11th grade, i changed highschools and went from the loner jock to the infamous theater kid. i started to care about social injustice alot and was becoming alot more informed. my mind was consistently on learning, making art, and being silly on the internet. alot of the kids were my peers in middle school and the popular girls wanted me in their circle. i felt insecure plus i didnt really like them. they were kinda mean and too self-absorbed & not very funny. i wanted them to like me though and texted them making fun of our classmates and teachers during class. we sat together at lunch… they didnt eat (they had eating disorders too) so i didnt either. they would hangout outside of school and drink together and would never invite me. that shit crushed me even though i didnt really want to drink or even be around them. i just always felt like no one would ever consider me a real friend. i kind of sabotaged our relationship by playing a mean prank on one of the girls who accidentally snapchatted me half nude pics of her meant for a boy she liked. i wasnt attracted to her, but screenshotted the pictures just to get a reaction out of her. i thought freaking her out would be funny since she begged me not to open the chat in the first place. i assured her and her bestfriend that i deleted the pics after and apologized profusely. idk what was wrong with me.

i was always the kid in hella extracurricular activities cause it 1. interested me 2. kept me out the house. i would go all day not having breakfast and maybe a bag of baked cheetos for lunch, rehearse for hours after school then walk miles back home to no dinner because my sisters werent ever considerate enough to leave some for me. my mom never made them either.

sza’s hair really inspired me in 2015. i experimented alot with crochet braids my junior year and took “sexy” pics for the first time on my cracked ipad sitting on my mom’s bathroom floor. i couldve sworn that was my cutest year but my yearbook picture came out so bad a boy who had a crush on me even said it was ugly. i forgot to retake it. embarrassing as fuck.

anyway, i just really detached from the world and my body end of senior through college. boobs strapped down, body checking, working out hard, binging on snacks. i remember looking at freshman pics of me sophomore year with my first girlfriend and she told me i looked like a fatass loser lol. yeah.. i “loved” someone who would talk to me that way. freshman 15 definitely hit hard and i went home winter break with a balloon face. did kickboxing with my mom, lost alot of weight, cut off my hair and went back to school in january with people telling i looked like “a model”. i was starting to get more comfortable with my queerness so was open to more masculine presentation especially since i was hundreds of miles away from my mom and my gf really liked studs. from then on ive been in a cycle of not caring, neglecting myself in the name of freedom, trying new looks and sometimes liking it, constantly cutting my hair due to anxiety and dysphoria, sometimes really caring and craving validation. being feminine just to fit in.

now im at a place where i just want to grow out my hair, work, and starve myself until im 30 pounds lighter tbh. i want to get lost in my head and latch onto my creativity. i want to abandon everyone i know. thats what i want to do and i will. maybe not the abandon part tho cause i actually love my friends. side note: im pretty sure my undiagnosed adhd is a big reason why i binge. cant wait to get treated for that cause trying to control the impulse without medication is torture. plus, i heard stimulants make you lose your appetite :P

[assghost]

i am weird...

i was always told to go play outside, but i was afraid bc i hated loud sounds. so when my sisters got new phones i asked my mom for one, so i could play and text her if something bad happens.

i was 8 then.

i didnt call my mom for 6 years bc i hated the sound. i only texted her. i was the silent youngest child that got everything i wanted but i never wanted too much. and while my sisters stole some money from mom, i asked her whenever i needed some to a point that she put a jar with money for me to take whenever i needed, but even then big numbers scared me.

i was 12 then...

and now i see children... 4 years old... with a phone, a tablet and still wanting more. 8 year olds never letting go of their phones and walking from the bus to school with their noses in their phones, phones cracked as hell...

...and i have only broken my phone once...

My sisters had broken their phones many times, but i only broke it from a small fall...

my sisters are 8 years older than me, they finished school when i had just started, they tought me math before everyone so it would be easy...

why arent other kids like me... why are they so loud and annoying, why cant they just enjoy the sun and the quiet breeze... it hurts...

My ears and head hurts.

So i play the guitar my sister taught me and sing songs from many languages that i learnt from the internet thinking that would help me feel better and find how i should feel. But it only made me lost... so i went to art school, finished it and went a few extra years just to learn watercolors and try something else. But did it help?

I always talk too quiet, nobody hears me fully... if i speak im misunderstood, ignored or just not noticed... so i try to have good grades, go to contests to show something... but i still don't know how to learn... Maybe someone might hear this plea...

Everything rises, sounds all rise, pain rises, prices rise, temperature differences rise... and i feel cold so i lie down... my numbers are doing great, but everything else is too difficult to understand... i feel blind... my mind is only of shadows and midnight darkness, i can't see without my glass... es... so i let time go, let others choose what to do, because i can't see any options without you showing them to me...

Im an useless child... why am i different...

My sister had a baby, never let him get out of her sight, never left him with our mom for longer that 15 seconds. All guests were told to wash their hands as soon as they came in to their house, so the house could be kept clean. All walls white, cabinets white. Clothes of the parents were dark, bed and sofa were dark, the child was kept light.

My sister sent her 2 year old to kindergarden... she always kept his away from screens, bright lights and such so he would not be overstimulated. He only gets music from phones and toys... his parent never sing or hum to him... his father acts more like a child than him and his mother always hides under her impression of the father... the child doesn't like to be alone...

Oh what will become of him...

my mom sung to me whenever she hugged me and i loved going to her every single day just to hug her and hear her voice...

my oldest sister ran away from home a few times before i was born...

the other sister liked sleeping over at her friends so mom drove her all those 34 kilometers to her friend whenever she asked...

i always hated the thought of sleepovers because whenever sisters brought their friends to our house it was very loud... i feared i wouldn't know how to act in a friends house...

why am i different...

[megismorallysunny]

17/09/23

its been quite a while, i told myself in july i would talk about the barbie movie, but well that didnt end up happening. i felt awkward writing and i feel awkward now, school started 3/4 weeks ago and its been going pretty ok, ill talk more about that. so first things first the barbie movie was spectacular, i loved it so much, it was so amazing no words, speechless. i dont know if i mentioned this but i went on holiday again, i went to mallorca in june for a week and alicante in spain for 2 weeks. i grew sick of my brother after that, i hope someday we can be friends but i just cannot stand him. my mom said that i will regret not being friends with him when im older just like she did, but i just cant stand being around him. my mom may regret not being friends with my uncle then but atleast there friends now (not for long unfortunately, hes sick). Spain was pretty boring, yes i know im a lil spoilt but we went to spain cuz its cheap (cheaper than staying down the road). i started playing a lot of total drama then stopped after the start of school. Im glad that im actually able to focus on my school work better because i genuinely cannot focus, i really struggled last year cuz i did it in silence and always put it off. now i started watching qsmp along with doing my homework cuz now i feel better doing my homework, my brain just works better when its hearing something and my brain is doing something else at the same time doing my hw. i think its due to when i was younger there was never silence around me when doing my hw, there was always talking always a programme, always something. im doing higher level english, im scared about doing shit in it like every other higher subject im in. but i think im doing good in english, or atleast mediocre, my teacher said that some of my work wasnt the best, which fair nuff it isnt. but i wrote something and it was kinda cringe but my teacher said it was good, and it wasnt cringe as in furry abo type shit i wrote it was more me saying "chillingly good use of onomatopeia" omg i just felt so stupid reading it out, i figured out why it feels so invasive reading it out and its because it feels like reading a diary and your specifically asked to read out ur feelings and opinions about it, unless i say something hateful about it i dont feel comfortable saying it. im doing bad in higher maths i just cannot understand somethings but i dont want to spend more time on it so i might i might not, im scared that i just wont understand it and theres people dumber than me in there, and it feels like i shit also cuz im dumb, i struggle with comprehending things, and i just go on my phone all the time, because i just get so bored, i wish that i would be able to learn things at my own pace (fast but slow at things i dont understand) and i just wish i could learn what i wanted to, i know i can learn maths i just struggle and i dont know why. did i mention im stupid? did i? because your bound to think so now, last year in higher irish i got 23% on my summer exam, and this year i got a note from my parents to move to lower, and i went to give it to him and he gave such a good speech i said okay yeah sure, like how dumb am i?? all my friends looked aound at me and were like "that was your one chance" "why didnt you leave" it was a little demotivating but if theres one thing i can do its spite people, from an early age ive discovered people insulting me is the best power for my success, its better if it feels like they mean it. e.g i couldnt hit a ball in pe with a bat, someone tried to take it off me (multiple ppl) and they said cmon you cant do it, that was really a good motivator because as soon as they reached for it i hit the ball super high. anyways im now learning irish and im struggling really. but duolingos helping, alot. were back to talking to our french penpals and i wrote the most complicated english because i got excited she said i was a nice girl, shes so sweet i love her. i wrote way too much so im gonna go now, have a good morning, day or night.