#the pov reminds me of oda..and also of dazai..

[wakanai]

I JUST READ THE STRANGER BY ALBERT CAMUS AND ITS SO GOOD LIKE SJDJSSJSBD

[caffeinatedseri]

Dazai and No Longer Human’s Yozo

It’s no secret that BSD’s Dazai draws heavily from his real life counterpart, especially from his semi-autobiographical work: No Longer Human. To preface, No Longer Human is written from the perspective of the main character Yozo, with the book itself being a documentation of Yozo’s notebooks (essentially his journals) throughout his life. 

As you progress through the novel, it becomes increasingly clear that Yozo lives an extremely two-sided life; his foolish personality acts as a facade to others in attempts to hide the darker nature within him. 

Dazai shares that obvious similarity with Yozo, but Dazai is characterized in a somewhat vague and mysterious way that leaves a lot of his inner thoughts up to interpretation and inferences. Thus, I’ll be going through some of my favorite quotes from No Longer Human and analyzing Dazai’s character through his similarities to Yozo.

(For the sake of readability, excerpts from No Longer Human will be in pictures, and quotes from the light novel will be in regular block quotes).

Dazai and Yozo’s Participation in Clownery

To start off, Dazai noticeably participates in the same “clowning” as Yozo, which in particular stands out with PM Dazai.

““How did your leg get hurt?” I pointed to the bandages, thinking that it must be the result of some violent fight. “I was reading a book titled ‘How to Prevent Accidental Injuries’ while walking when I accidentally fell into a ditch.” I wasn’t expecting such an abnormal response.” — LN 2, Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era (Oda’s POV)

This is pretty standard Dazai behavior, but the interesting part is how Yozo specifically used the word “deceiving.” If we were to assume Yozo’s true thoughts are Dazai’s as well, then it would imply that Dazai feels as if he’s manipulating people with his absurd claims (such as the above). However, in actuality, his clownish behaviors sound more like a joke, or some type of self-deflection, rather than an attempt to manipulate people. (Yozo also states that he would often incriminate himself by overexaggerating certain things, but I don’t think Dazai does that).

The second statement Yozo makes implies that he doesn’t care about ethics, morality, or the supposed “right way” of living life that’s described as “righteousness.”

Yozo’s statement on “righteousness” parallels Dazai’s in Dark Era, but Dazai’s statement carries a slightly different sentiment. Rather than being indifferent to the likes of morality, Dazai says that he’s “hated” by the concept of morality. 

I’ll be speculating a bit here → It’s heavily implied that Dazai had some sort of dark past that led him to joining the mafia, since he was already suicidal prior to doing so. This suggests that something affected his life so drastically to the point where he could no longer trust in such things as “righteousness,” because righteousness has wronged him in the past.

First, Yozo expresses his fear of people discovering his true nature under the mask of clownery, which would then lead to them pestering him for further inquiry. However, his real fear is that people would mistake his true nature as another part of his typical clownery.

More so than before, this attitude reminds me more of Dazai in the agency, rather than him in the mafia. Even though Dazai danced around darker topics in his conversations with Oda, he was still able to talk about them without much conflict. However, in the agency, Dazai doesn’t talk much about himself or any of his personal issues at all. 

Although this scene has comedic overtones, it’s interesting to see that no one would help Dazai if he was actually dying. Still, it could be argued that the other agency members knew it was just Dazai’s regular antics. (or that Dazai wouldn’t die in the first place). 

This scenario repeats itself another time when Dazai gets kidnapped by the mafia, and the other agency members kind of just brush it aside. As much as they may trust Dazai to take care of himself (which I’m sure he can do), it’s worrying that the other members may not be open to Dazai’s possible attempts at reaching out for help, if he were ever to make one. 

In LN 4, 55 Minutes, Atsushi addresses this issue by asking Dazai why he wants to kill himself, but the answer is left open-ended, with Atsushi himself not remembering the answer (or if Dazai even did answer). You could interpret Dazai’s change from his time in the PM as an improvement of his mental state — which I have no doubt that has happened — but Dazai needs to face his issues head-on if he truly wanted to reconcile with his past.

“Perhaps someone should persistently tie Dazai up, open the lid over his chest and stuff the head of a vacuum cleaner in. They have to let Dazai, who should be screaming in pain and resisting, settle down. Following which, the difficult things in his heart must all be dragged out under the sun and stepped on mercilessly.“ — LN 2, Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era

Oda, the man who understood Dazai more than anyone else could at the time, even specifically stated that the pain in Dazai’s heart must be forcefully dragged out, because he knew that this would ultimately be the most beneficial for Dazai’s sanity.

Throughout No Longer Human, Yozo is often misunderstood by others, or other people simply don’t care about him.

When Dazai goes to visit Oda’s grave in Dead Apple, Atsushi finds him and assumes that he’s visiting the grave of someone important to him, as an act of respect or remembrance, something of the sort. However, Dazai makes the automatic assumption that his “clownish words of deceit” (as stated by Yozo) will always be prioritized over the truth, which is why he chooses to brush off his actions as a joke. 

Although I made the point earlier that the agency members don’t give Dazai opportunities to open up about himself, Atsushi is notably different, similarly to Oda, because he’s able to take Dazai seriously and persist even through his antics. 

Atsushi takes Dazai’s act of visiting a grave seriously, even when Dazai plays it off, because he knows Dazai is a person just like anyone else. This understanding between them leads to Dazai telling Atsushi about Oda, thereby allowing Dazai to divulge a crucial part of his past.

Dazai and Yozo’s Friendships

Similarly to Yozo, Dazai’s attempt at “disentangling” himself from these relationships only serves to wear him out in the end. However, they also slightly differ in a way: Yozo is unable to form any friendships for his whole life, but Dazai had Oda. I would argue that Oda was Dazai’s only friend, mostly because of this quote:

“Odasaku understood him far beyond what Dazai had ever thought. He had already reached close to his heart, the place near the center of his heart. Before this, Dazai had never noticed there was someone who understood him so well. For the first time in his life, Dazai wanted to know something from the depths of his heart.” — LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

Oda was special to Dazai because Oda was able to understand him — maybe even more than Dazai could understand himself — which is why Oda is the only person that Dazai asks for advice from. 

However, Dazai does the same thing as Yozo when he “plays the clown” as a form of self-protection from such valuable friendships. (which is probably preventing him from becoming closer to the rest of the agency).

“Things that we don’t want to lose will definitely be lost. Now that it has come to this, I have no more feelings anymore. Things worth pursuing will always disappear the moment before you get them. Nothing is worth prolonging a painful life to pursue.” — LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

Interestingly enough, Dazai says this when Ango is revealed to be a spy — before Oda dies. If Dazai was in this state of distress from Ango’s betrayal, you could only imagine how devastating Oda’s death was. 

Dazai speaks as if he’s speaking from experience, which suggests that he’s faced a similar loss in the past. Despite this implied experience, he still became friends with Oda (and Ango to an extent), fully knowing that it would only bring him pain in the end. Dazai's statement here acts more as a front that makes him sound cold and detached from the situation, only to hide how he truly feels about losing one of his only friends. 

To give some context to this passage, Yozo’s partner, Yoshiko, had been sexually assaulted by a coworker, of which Yozo attributes the cause to her overly trusting nature. Thus, this leads to Yozo’s belief that trustfulness is inherently wrong or creates weakness.

Dazai’s hesitance to form friendships most likely stems from this same inability to trust others like Yozo, but Dazai does trust a few people, namely Chuuya, Oda, and Atsushi.

With Chuuya, there’s a different type of trust between him and Dazai. Their impeccable trust is obviously a key factor in their partnership as SKK, but there’s a certain limit with this trust. They certainly trust each other in battle, but I’d argue that this trust doesn’t extend to their personal business. 

As of now, we don’t know a lot about how SKK interacted with each other during their time in the mafia (which could change with the new LN), but I doubt PM Dazai would feel comfortable with confiding in Chuuya with anything because they (kind of) hated each other. The level of trust required for a friendship would involve a mutual understanding between two people, but Chuuya and Dazai haven’t necessarily shown us that they were able to do that.

Dazai essentially broke his trust with Chuuya by leaving the mafia on a whim, but he also intentionally antagonized himself to try to make Chuuya hate him.

This scene also has comedic overtones, but it suggests something a bit sadder about Dazai. There are possibly two motivations as to why Dazai chose to do this: (or a mix of the two)

1. Dazai didn’t want Chuuya to be incriminated as his accomplice when he became an enemy of the mafia.

2. Dazai wanted to push Chuuya away because Oda — Dazai’s most trusted friend — had just died. As a form of self-protection, Dazai broke whatever semblance of friendship he shared with Chuuya in order to prevent the same pain that came with Oda’s death. 

It’s also important to consider that trust is a 2-way street; both parties have to have the same level of trust in each other. Just like Yozo, if Dazai is unable to trust anyone, then he may have cut Chuuya off to protect him (since Chuuya may have trusted Dazai more than Dazai was able to reciprocate).

In contrast, Oda and Dazai have a level of unspoken trust that basically motivates Dazai to change his entire life. 

“Odasaku’s eyes radiate with conviction. The words are clearly said with some sort of strong basis. Is it past experience? Or perhaps someone’s suggestion? — He is trying to show Dazai the path he once walked. Dazai understands this. Dazai can trust it.“ — LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

Returning to Yozo’s question — “Is trustfulness a sin?” — Dazai answers it by showing us the strength of trust in this moment. Trust insinuates blind faith in another person, the willingness to believe someone else without logical reasoning, which makes it all the more important when PM Dazai — the genius prodigy who operates on a solely logical basis — is able to trust Oda and change his path in life. 

Atsushi is most likely the one that Dazai trusts the most in the agency, due to the aforementioned issues with the other members. However, it seems more like a budding trust that’s growing to become like Oda and Dazai, but it still requires Dazai to take that step forward to further their trust. 

Dazai and Yozo’s View of the World

In this scene, Yozo had made a decision for immediate gratification, but that choice caused him insufferable pain afterwards — supporting his belief that the world was a “place of bottomless horror.”

This parallels two of Dazai’s statements: one from Dark Era and one from Dead Apple.

“Please, take me with you. Wake me up from this rotten world of a dream. Come on, come on, come on!” — LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

(Dazai wasn’t talking about himself here, but the allusion sets up a situation where he can talk about himself indirectly — I talk about it more in my other post here)

We don’t really get a reason for why Dazai is suicidal, but from this we can infer that it’s something more complex than he makes it out to be — something like an issue deeply rooted within the world, with no easy solution. 

One could guess that this was the result of an unfortunate decision (like Yozo), or the realization that the world was simply a terrible place (possibly because no one cared for him as a kid and he had Mori as a “parental” figure instead).

Yozo expresses his lack of understanding in the compassion of human nature, but Dazai (as we know) seems to understand other people perfectly, as least enough to manipulate them.

However, this forms somewhat of a paradox: Dazai understands people so well to the point that he can’t understand them.

Dazai understands every flawed aspect of a human being — the tendency to manipulate, lie, kill, etc. — most likely because of his past as a young child. “Human beings never did teach” him the hopeful aspect of human nature  — the ability to love and cherish others.

Shibusawa in Dead Apple reflects this mindset, but take note of what Dazai says: “You wouldn’t be saying that if you actually had friends” — clearly a reflection of Dazai’s personal experience, by knowing how important friends are.

Yozo’s deathly fear of society tames itself when he comes to the realization that society is really just made up of a bunch of individuals working for their individual benefit, so he has no reason to fear society as a whole.

I don’t believe Dazai has this same fear of society, but he does reflect this individualistic mindset in the way he acts. Often enough, Dazai doesn’t tell anyone about his plans and would rather manipulate people into following such plans, even when it would be easier to cooperate. He always takes care of conflicts by himself, and by his standard.

Yozo’s fear of society possibly manifested into Dazai’s ostracization from society. More speculation here, but → My guess is that Dazai was alienated not only as a genius isolated for his intelligence, but also for his ability. There seems to be some division between regular society and ability-users’ society, but I can see Dazai being rejected by both because he’s the antithesis to all abilities. 

Regular society would either shun him like other users or attempt to exploit him for their personal gain (possibly for his intelligence AND his ability), or ability-users would see him as a threat and/or menace to their safety.

When Yozo considers a double suicide with his partner, he comes to this unsure conclusion of whether or not he actually wants to go through with it.

This reflects what Oda believes about Dazai:

“I thought you and Dazai were very similar, unable to see the value of your life, hoping for death, hence jumping into a world of violence and fighting. But that’s not the case. That guy is just a child who’s too smart. Just a crying child who’s been left alone in the darkness, a world of nothingness far emptier than the world we can see.“ — LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

At the end of the story, Gide and Oda are different from Dazai because they face an inevitable hopelessness. However, Dazai has a small spark of hope to live on that persists beyond the other two. 

This is represented in Dazai’s own statement to Oda, when Oda is set on walking to his death: “Go and rely on something, hope for something good to happen next, that something will definitely happen.” 

If anything, this sounds more like a plea to himself than to Oda, but it establishes an important point: hope is built upon the assumption that the future will treat your present desires well. Vice versa, hopelessness is built upon the expectation that the future will neglect your present desires.

It’s a bit wordy, so I’ll elaborate on. Right after Dazai says this line, they proceed to talk about their desires → Dazai wants to find a reason to live, so he joined the mafia; Oda wanted to become a novelist, so he didn’t kill anyone. 

Now, the difference between hope and hopelessness:

Oda feels hopeless because he expects that his present desire (to become a novelist) won’t be fulfilled in the future. By losing the one qualification that he felt he had to follow (not killing anyone), he no longer believes that he can become a novelist.

Dazai has hope because he assumes that his present desire (to find a reason to live) will be fulfilled in the future. He doesn’t know that for sure, but he persists onwards regardless of having full assurance or not. 

Dazai’s hope and trust in Oda brings him to where he is in the present, and takes him one step closer towards discovering his reason to live. 

[crow-lyn]

Something about us(Soukoku)

chapter 5 Man-Eater part 2

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27504406/chapters/67256563

Dazai POV

Today was the day. The day Chuuya and I would officially go on a date. We’ve hung out before but this time I’m surely going to make him mine!

We meet up at our designated  time around late noon. To be completely honest, I didn’t really know what we were going to do besides hang out.

I would usually have a plan on what we would do, or how it would start and end, but this time the only thing I could focus on was that he actually said yes?

I continued pondering in my thoughts on where we would be going until I saw him. My jaw dropped to the floor. He looked absolutely stunning, no gorgeous to a tee.

I knew that his style was sometimes androgynous and out there, but this was something else.

The black cropped turtleneck emphasized how  small and dainty his waist truly was, and how cute it looked when some of his stomach was showing. At the same time it also brought to light how easy it would be if someone decided to choke him by slimming his neck. His red shorts from mid-hip to mid-thigh also contributed.

“Hey dumbass, my eyes are up here!” the effeminate man hissed, trying to get me out of my daze from how nice he looked.

“It’s not my fault Chuuya! I mean, look at yourself.” I joked sternly, pointing at him up and down.

“What do you even mean?” He questioned.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and simply sighed. “You’re wearing a very revealing crop top in the middle of winter! Not to mention those tight shorts and black tights underneath it all!” I tried staying calm and composed but I just sounded like I was scolding him.

“You’re not my mom.” He scowled. “Plus you see this.” He pointed at his face. “I put eyeliner on and I even did my eyebrows, which I hardly do mind you, so just be happy with what you get, ok!?”

“Yes ma'am.” I complied as I grabbed his hand and began walking.

“So where are we even going?” He asked, breaking the silence that was clearly there for a few minutes right after I held his hand in mine.

“It’s a surprise.” I said, giving him a dorky smile. “But I know you’ll love it when you see it.”

_______________________________________________

“Jeez, you really outdid yourself this time, huh Dazai?” The redhead was on the verge of tears.

“Whatever do you mean?” I acted as if I had no clue on what I did.

“You’re always talking about my ‘shitty’ taste in hats, but here you are taking me to my favorite hat shop.” he said quite conspicuously.

“I guess you're right about that.” I gave a nervous chuckle. “We should stop ogling at the place and head in now”  I opened the door like the gentleman I am for chuuya.

To be honest it wasn’t out of the ordinary just your usually hat store. It smelled like the  library me and Ranpo would go to but it also smelled like a musty cologne Oda would use from time to time?

What a nice aura I thought to myself

“Let’s go over here” chuuya pestered as he grabbed my arm over to the direction he was talking about.

“What about this one” the small pointed at a black fedora “don’t you already have one like that though?” I questioned “yeah I do, but look at this” he grabbed one of the hats on the rack “it has rose patterned inside though, isn’t that cool!” he beamed ecstatically showing it to me

“Yeah, that is pretty cool but look at this one.” I took off an orange beret on the hat rack “what’s so special about this one?”  chuuya positioned his hands on his hips

“Well if you must know chuuya, it’s orange just like your hair, its cute and it reminds me off a fox just like you” I laughed

“Ha ha your so funny, you should be a comedian” chuuya retorted sarcastically “y’know you should also buy a hat you wouldn’t look so bad with one?”

“I don’t really do hats, I don’t think I would look that good in one unlike you”

“Whatever” is all he said.

_____________________________________

We continued looking around until Chuuya spotted one “How about this one?” it was a short black fedora with a wide brim and a rose on the red band of it

“Not bad dazai” was all chuuya could say “but how much is it though, it could be really expensive?” me and chuuya looked at the price tag. He scrunched his face up

“That’s a lot” his face expression saddened “I’ll buy it for you” I protested

 “Oh, no you really don’t have too I mean it's like 200 hundred dollars in U.S. currency”  chuuya added “Then I really have to buy it if it’s that much now” I answered as I tried on different fedoras and berets on.

I proceeded to the checkout corner to buy it but Chuuya kept on talking about how expensive it was and that I shouldn’t buy something like that for him especially if it was just a hat.

I finally convinced him that it wasn’t that much and that I wanted to treat him on our date.

_________________________________________________

“Your really immature y’know” The young male said as he slightly punched my shoulder “Ow chuuya!” I exclaimed dramatically, maybe being in theater really did make me more dramatic than I already am?

“You know you’re happy that I bought it for you” I smugly replied as I looked at the other shops around us “Yeah I am” he mumbled as he hid his flushed face in his red trench coat. 

Chuuya smoothly grabbed my hand as we continued walking until I finally asked “So where else do you want to go now” the smaller man’s face looked up at mine

“Want to go to a club” the man asked innocently not knowing what he was getting himself into later in the night. “Were still 18?” I replied “Were technically not even adults yet?”

“Say’s the person who always ask to drink with me and  occasionally  smokes on the school rooftop” he was right about that part

“That’s because I’m oh so lonely and sad, and you're the only person whom I find nice to hang out with” 

“Well look for someone else then?” he asked I think jokingly “Fine we’ll go to the club later since it’s still like 7” I finally agreed with the man “we could do some Karaoke for the mean time?”

[chuuyasnumber1simp]

Born Of Lies but Learning to Love Chuuya x reader

 Part. 2

 previous part   next part 

a/n: finally introducing Akutagawa! today we get a little look at why reader thinks the way she does, and what her training is like. 

i also have a huge soft spot for Akutagawa, forgive me. 

Word Count: 4,061

Warnings: Suicide mention, suicidal thoughts, explicit depictions of violence, also MAJOR spoilers if you haven’t finished season two 

(pls help i am very deeply in love with him)

Besides the mental breakdown you had, the morning had passed uneventfully. Much to your surprise, you did not dream when you slept in Chuuya’s bed, and it was a welcome change from the usual nightmares that plagued your sleeping body. Sleeping at the Port Mafia was never a pleasant experience. 

Having no other pace to put you, or maybe not caring enough to find one, Mori and simply tossed you in a basement of sorts, and it was a far cry from safety. 

You never decorated anything, you didn’t even know how to if you wanted to. 

All you had was the clothes on your back and the darkness that clung to you, it was your only companion, besides the trail of blood that had followed you since the day you were born. 

Everyone in the Port Mafia knew you were there, and in your younger days, before Dazai left, it was almost a game to them of who could get in there and beat you into a pulp. You were a punching bag, because your ability hadn’t yet been hardened into that of combat. 

During those times, when swift kicks and painful punches would bruise your weak body, you would turn on your ability, but only on yourself. You liked to pretend that Oda was there, and he gave you the comfort that you had always wanted. 

But that was when you were weak and frail. 

As your mentor became Akutagawa, less people returned from attempting to make you their punching bag. Until eventually, none did. 

Mori would always tell you that he was proud of you, but the words were just as empty as you felt. 

Once, the woman who seemed to hang on Akutagawa’s every word -Higuchi, you learned her name later- asked you something that puzzled you to this day. 

“Have you ever thought about killing yourself?” 

The question had sprung out of the blue, while she was bandaging your wounds after a particularly tough training session. Mori would not  allow Akutagawa to take you to a doctor, but Akutagawa always sent Higuchi to care for you in secret. He did not have he heart to see someone else left to suffer as Dazai often did to him. He was not the heartless man people thought he was. 

Higuchi’s words had stuck with you then, and they stuck with you now. 

You lived because you had to, always being reminded that dying would be a waste of your skills, of all the work Dazai and Akutagawa put into training you. You lived, because you did not have permission, nor privilege, to just end  yourself. 

Though, you often thought of how life would continue if you weren’t there. 

The world would keep spinning, Mori would keep running the mafia. Dazai would still be gone, and they would find a new human punching bag. 

But it was not in your nature to wonder about these things, Mori would say to you as you lie on the cold concrete bleeding. 

So you didn’t. 

You got up, and you pushed yourself further, because it was all you knew how to do. You did not know love nor compassion, just the orders of those around and the feeling of the sticky red liquid that flowed out your nose after using your ability for far longer than what was healthy. 

You had been taught -no beaten into submission to think that you did not feel pain, you did not feel emotions, you were born to feel only how your knife felt in your fingers, and the dull ache in the back of your head as you manipulated what someone saw. 

And even though they taught you how to smile, taught you that you were more than just a weapon, you neither knew what to do with that nor could process it, so you buried it deep, and did not let it show. 

“Compassion, love, confusion, kindness, what do all of these have in common Y/N?” Dazai’s voice dripped with contempt as he punched you in the gut, the contents of your stomach long been coughed up, so it was all you could do to gag and choke.

He gripped your hair and lifted your face up so he could look at you with his uncovered eye. 

The eye that scared you. 

It had a sort of manic, look in it, like the man feared absolutely nothing, not even death itself. He controlled it, brought it to fruition, and showed you horrors worse than it day after day.

“They’re all weaknesses. Things that can be exploited. You have no need for them. You understand that?” 

You weakly shook your head, knowing the consequences if you didn’t, and he let your head drop.

“Good. Now show me what good you can put your ability to,”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These memories surfaced as you rode on the back of Chuuya’s motorcycle, on your way to training. 

You had forgone the feeling if dread upon arriving to training, simply accepting it as part of your life. Your cruel, twisted life. Because you did not known anything else, did not know how beautiful life could be, so you got up, day after day, and continued to fight. It was all you could do.

Chuuya POV:

Chuuya had not known you for very long, but he was worried about you. 

It was like you regressed back to when he first met you, but this time, you had a haunted look in your eyes. 

You flat out refused to call him Chuuya, switching back to ‘sir’, and he couldn’t remember the last time you’d let any emotion come over your face or eyes. 

It seemed his words this morning had the opposite effect he was hoping for. 

Mori had allowed you two days to recover from your injury's before he required you to return to training, under the pretenses of “We both you you’ve been trained to handle worse,” The thought of all the pain you had gone though at such a young age made Chuuya’s blood boil. The cruel training you must have gone under to sharpen you’re noncombative ability into something that could kill quickly made he shiver, he had seen the way Dazai trained Akutagawa. He could only imagine the suffering he had put a ten year old child through.

Chuuya had seen quite a bit, being a Port Mafia executive, but there was something different about you. 

He’d watched your little mannerisms over the course of the two days Mori allowed you to stop training. 

It broke his heart the way you looked at certain things, and had absolutely no clue what they were. Even the simplest things, like the TV remote, or even his forks. 

He wondered how they fed you when you were growing up if you don’t even know what forks and spoons were, or if they fed you at all. 

You were so detached from everything around you, it was like you were alien, new to earth. You had a strange sense of familiarity with the items on Chuuya’s house, but it had been twenty years since you last sat in a couch. Since you last had someone look at you without malice, anger, or terror. 

In all honesty, Chuuya had absolutely no idea what to do, or where to even where to start.

Atsushi had told him that you were struggling with the lessons, not being able to apply what they taught to your job. He said that they tried to use examples, but all you ever said was: “I don’t need to able to read or write to kill someone. Mori gave me my purpose, and that’s all I’m good for,”

It was as if you clung to that purpose countless had reminded you, drove it so far into your head that you simply did not have the capacity to understand that there was more to life than being a mindless machine, a weapon, made to be used. 

He did not miss the way your arms squeezed his abdomen tighter as the Port Mafia hq came into view. He chuckled in bitter irony, how wrong it was that the only place you called home, was the epicenter of the cold life you lead. 

That’s when he knew he wanted you to change. He wanted to see you learn how to read and write, see you learn how to live, how to love. 

He was thrust into the position of being your superior, your new caretaker basically, but the only thing he wished was that he got to you sooner, before they corrupted your poor, innocent mind into that of one that only knew killing. One that only knew death and suffering, and the screams that filled your dreams. 

Chuuya met Akutagawa at the front of the building, ruffling his juniors hair slightly. He always seemed so angry, so confused and stressed. Chuuya counted Akutagawa as someone else he hadn’t gotten to in time, much like how he saw you. He had worked hard ever since Dazai left, to bring Akutagawa up from the state Dazai left him in. 

Akutagawa wasn’t the only one that needed Chuuya’s help. 

Even in the face of pain and suffering, you did not flinch, you walked forwards, unwavering in the slightest. 

You fell in step behind your mentor’s, letting Akutagawa lead Chuuya to the area in which your hardened your skills. 

Everyone in the Port Mafia knew who you were, and they scattered, some tripping over one another in attempts to avoid you. Your presence alone was enough to make silence, and Chuuya swore he could feel the temperature in the room drop by twenty degrees. Akutagawa entered a sort of basement area, much like the area they used for hostages or people who were tortured for information. As soon as you stepped into the room, about seventy men followed suit. 

Chuuya threw Akutagawa a confused glance, wondering what they were all here for. 

Damage control? Bodyguard's maybe?

You stepped down the staircase, and then stood in the middle of the room, as if expecting something. 

And that’s when it happened. 

Every single person who wasn’t Chuuya, pulled out various weapons, ranging from assorted firearms to knives and even swords, Akutagawa even summoning Rashomon. 

Chuuya watched on in horror as they all attacked you at once, he had to dig his gloved fingernails into his palms to stop himself from activating his ability and leaping into the fray. You winked in and out of his vison, flittering across the room faster then should have been possible. 

This wasn’t training. This was attempted murder. 

It was a shock that you had trained like this for twelve years, and were still alive, though from the way the men were dropping like flies, he doubted you were truly living. 

Akutagawa de-activated his ability, then turned to Chuuya with a look of disgust on his face. 

“I hate this. Mori makes me do this under the guise of training, but we both know that this is not training,”

“No, its not,” Chuuya said grimly. 

She did this all day, everyday, for twelve years. Not to mention everything else Mori put her through. Even I know that this is wrong,”

Something seemed to catch Akutagawa’s eye, and a look of mild horror spread across his face. 

“Have you fed her?”

“I leave food out for her, but I don’t know if she’s eating it,”

“When did bring her home?” “Four days ago,”

Akutagawa cursed under his breath, and summoned Rashomon once more. 

“Wait, what does that mean-”

Suddenly, the ground they were standing on gave way, and they were free falling through the air, the ground far below them seeming to catch up very quickly. 

Chuuya couldn’t understand why his ability wasn’t working, it was literally made for this situation. Chuuya turned to Akutagawa in fear, knowing things were going to get pretty ugly when they found the ground. 

Akutagawa only looked mildly uncomfortable, like he was expecting this. 

“This happens when she starves. If you don’t explicitly give her food to eat and tell her to eat it, she won’t eat it. It happened once when Mori was training her to see how long she could last without food. She doesn’t have the capacity to think clearly, and only thinks far enough to finish her training. The solution: kill all of them at once. Or make them think they’re dead. She panics and creates an illusion where you think you die. In reality, we are all exactly where we were five minutes ago, but know that Dazai is the only person that can stop her, so everything is going to get really painful in about two minutes, when we hit the ground,”

Chuuya gaped at his junior, not realizing the full extent of your ability. 

Noticing the ground was coming closer, he counted down in his head until impact.

5....

4....

3.... 

2....

Immeasurable pain filled his entire body, and he would have screamed if not for his consciousness fading into nothing about one second after hitting the concrete. 

Your POV:

Someone was screaming. 

Usually, the people did not get back up for awhile when this happened. 

So who was still conscious?

Oh.

It was you. 

Your raw, guttural screams echoed through the room, and your entire body felt like it was on fire. Or maybe being crushed. 

You couldn’t think through the fog of pain, you clawed at your skin, trying everything to make it stop.

Get up. Leave. Run. Stop. 

No matter what you did, the pain did not cease. It was always there, consuming your body whole. 

Eventually, your voice was too raw to scream. All the pain blurred together, and you did not know how long you lied there.

Strong arms wrapped around your body, and hoisted you off the ground. you thrashed around, not knowing who they were, but you did not have the strength to do any damage. 

You lied there, feeling every stinging bullet wound, every sharp cut from the blades, and the blood that poured from your nose. 

“Y/N, stay with me. We’ll meet Dazai soon, and he’ll take the pain away,”

The voice sounded far away, the words incomprehensible. You didn’t want to see Dazai, didn’t want to see his cold, empty eye bore into your soul. Didn’t want to remember what his fist felt against your face, your arms, and every where else. 

You tried once more to get away, this time managing to wiggle out of the man’s grip, but the pain you felt upon hitting the ground was not worth it. 

You screamed again, just wishing it all would stop.

You no longer registered being picked up again, or the hand that caressed your face ever so gently. 

You did not hear the gasps of shock when the man entered the room with you. 

You did not hear the panic in his voice, not over the sound of your own screams of pain. 

Someone pushed the hair the stuck to your forehead, damp with sweat.

“Shh Y/N. It’s time to sleep,”

and all at once, the pain ceased, and you were finally allowed to let the darkness swallow you.

Dazai POV:

Everyone heard your screams before you entered the room.

Dazai heard them before you even entered the building, Chuuya grasping you so tightly in his arms. 

Even through the fog of your pain, you must’ve been using your ability because not a single person noticed the two of you. 

Ah, your ability. That was most likely why you were coming to Dazai, or rather, why Chuuya had brought you to him. 

When he stepped into the office, you were writhing in his arms, face contorted in so much pain.

You had felt so much of it in your life. If Dazai regretted anything, he regretted turning you into an emotionless monster.

When he saw you, four days ago, turning to him to ask what a handshake was, he knew that what he did to you was one of his greatest mistakes. 

It hit him all at once, the way you screamed, tears making streaks in your dirt and blood covered face. 

He could tell by how quickly blood was pouring out of your nose that the possibility's of your surviving in this state any longer were slim to none.

Still though, he listened to Chuuya, taking a moment to take in the horrified look on everyone's faces. 

Atsushi and Tanizaki had covered their ears, and Kenji had to hold your arms down, being the only one strong enough to do so. He had tears in his eyes, Dazai could tell the sweet boy hated to see you like this.

Dazai had seen you like this once before. The action of crashing into solid concrete from the sky had rid any thought of jumping off a bridge or building to end his life was erased from his mind forever. Though it only hurt for a second, it was far too painful to do again, even if it meant a swift death. 

Sweeping your hair out of your face, he placed his hand on your forehead. 

“Shh Y/N. It’s time to sleep,”

You stopped thrashing around, arms and legs falling limp. 

Your features relaxed, and you looked almost peaceful.

Kenji looked up at Dazai. “Is she... Dead?”

“No,” Dazai patted the top of Kenji’s head. “She’s resting. She deserves to rest, for some time,”

No one besides the two former partners understood the gravity of his words. 

“Dazai,” Chuuya’s face never looked up, his features hidden by the brim of his hat. 

“I will never forgive you for making this woman believe that being a weapon is the only purpose she will ever have,”

Dazai closed for a moment, thinking back to the seven years he trained you. He wished he could unsee the horror that painted your face, the day you had turned ten. The day your training had begun. He wished he could take back the punches he threw, the pain he caused. Wished he could block out how your scream hadn’t changed since the first day of training. 

“I know,”

With that, Chuuya swept out of the room, your limp body still grasped tightly in his arms. 

24 hours later, your POV:

You jerked awake, looking around the room to get your bearings. You recognized the furniture and, more importantly, the figure asleep in the chair next to the bed. 

Chuuya pulled you into his arms, and the action felt strangely reminiscent.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” 

“Why? you have not known me long enough to warrant being this concerned about my welfare. I am just another subordinate, and it’s only been four days,”

“Five, actually,” Chuuya pulled away from you. “You were out for 24 hours. So,”

You could imagine what he was going to ask. 

“Could you explain what happened yesterday?”

“Akutagawa explained it to me after it happened to him for the second time. Since my ability’s main focus is how the brain perceives things, when i create an illusion like the one I’m assuming you were included in, my brain gets hung up on the pain part of it. It finds the action of differentiating between illusion and reality far too difficult, and therefore, assumes that the pain I’m in must be reality. A chain reaction occurs, where my brain loops the feeling of the pain i was in during the illusion,”

“How many times has this happened?”

“This would be sequence three hundred and twenty seven,”

“Mori has starved you at least three hundred and twenty seven times?”

You tilted your head in confusion. “Did you not also receive the same training?”

“My god no. Listen Y/N,” Chuuya took a deep breath in before continuing.  “The training you went through was not training. That was abuse. And whatever Mori and Dazai made you believe, isn’t true,”

“Mori wouldn’t lie to me.  He’s the one who saved me, gave me a home,”

“We both know he didn’t. Odasaku did, didn’t he?”

You stiffened in the bed. “How do you know about that?”

“You were calling out his name in your sleep. I wondered how you of all people knew him, so i did a little digging. So yeah, I know it was Dazai and Oda who took you from your parents, and i know it was Oda who brought you in,”

“Dazai wasn’t there that day. It was-”

“A scary bandage man. When Oda brought you in, they used someone's ability to wipe your memory of that day. They decided to leave your memory of Oda, and since Mori was planning on having Dazai train you from day one,  they wanted you to have no idea who he was,”

“And what happened to Oda?”

“He’s dead. Killed in a fight between the Port Mafia and Mimic,”

“Oh,”

You didn’t quite know how to process the new you just heard. Oda, the only person who had shown you kindness besides Akutagawa, and now Chuuya, was dead.

“Do you want something to eat?”

“Am I allowed to eat sir?”

“Yes,”

“Then food would be nice,”

Chuuya’s POV:

“What’s that?”

“An avocado,”

You had spent the entire morning asking Chuuya what the different ingredients he was using for your breakfast were. He found out that yes, they did feed you at the Port Mafia, but most likely not enough. He figured the combination of little food and harsh training was the reason you were so small.

A little bit of light returned to your eyes when he slid the plate to you. It was nothing special, but Chuuya did pride himself in his cooking skills. 

He made two plates, one for him and one for you. Just two eggs, fried, with avocado slices, and a piece of toast each. 

You copied the way he used a fork, and he found it almost cute the way you had the faintest of smiles on your face when you took a bite of food. 

“Are you up for another lesson on reading and writing?”

You put your fork down and maintained a carefully neutral expression.

“If i may mask, how does learning how to read and write benefit me? I’ve lived thus far without needing it, so why would i need it now?”

“Think of it as extra training. There might come a time where you’ll need it, and even though you should’ve been taught this years ago, its better late than never,”

“Can we do it after todays training?”

Chuuya scoffed. “Are you kidding me? you barely survived training last time, why do you want to go back?”

“Because that’s what Mori told me to do. He said to attend training unless i was told not to,”

“But your injured, so-”

Before Chuuya could continue, his phone vibrated. The caller I.D was for the last person Chuuya wanted to see right now. 

“Mori? What do you want?”

“Could you please bring my dearest  Y/N to my office? I’d like to have a word with her,”

“About what?”

“Her training. I want to change it,”

“Yeah okay, We’ll be there in fifteen,”

Chuuya ended the call with a sigh. “Finish your food. Mori wants you to come to his office, something about changing your training,”

You merely nodded and ate your food, and Chuuya was not optimistic in the slightest. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ah Y/N, how are you today?”

In the time it took to arrive at Mori’s office, you had morphed back into the perfect weapon. 

You did not speak unless spoken to. You showed no emotion, no sign of fear. You stood still, unmoving. You reminded Chuuya of a half broken statue he saw once. He was all at once impressed by it’s beauty, but melancholic about the state it was in. He could be amazed by the final product, but the work that went into making something like this only for it to be broken, made him strangely despondent. 

While this world offered many things to be broken, you were not one of them. 

“How has you’re training been coming along?” 

“Fine,” 

“I’m sure you are aware that your training is the very reason you are here,”

“Yes sir,”

“So let’s jump straight to it then,”

Chuuya stiffened in anticipation, not knowing what Mori was planning. 

“I want you to kill Chuuya,”

A/N: here’s a cliffhanger hehe 

a LOT happened in today’s chapter, and forgive the ANGST 

some of ya’ll be forgetting Kenji is fourteen, so i kind of made him baby in this chapter, because i love him very dearly (i very much believe that Dazai would give Kenji headpats okay )))))))

and ya’ll can FIGHT ME on this but for all the issue’s he has, i just don’t think Akutagawa could inflict the same pain Dazai did on him to someone he saw a lot of himself in 

[dazais-guardian-angel]

Oda and Dazai!

So this got…… kinda long… and probably strayed from the ask meme and is more of like a character study lmao whoOPS I’m so sorry. But thank you for the ask xD

Character Writing Meme

Oda

So in canon, Oda never smiles, like ever; he definitely has a broad array of emotions, for sure, but he doesn’t let either positive or negative ones outwardly show very much except in extreme situations ahaha. But it’s natural instinct for me to describe characters as smiling softly/a little bit, or frowning or whatnot, so I can’t help but write Oda like that as well, because I feel like writing him would get boring quickly if his expressions were never described like I do for others and if he wasn’t the pov character where you had his inner thoughts/emotions to make up for that (the original Dark Era novel is in his point of view, and it really helps you to get into his thoughts/emotions, some of which the anime carried over, so that makes his rarely-changing expression not as bothersome). I try to remind myself to keep it as lowkey as possible though (again, talking about fics not in his pov); he probably realistically has to smile sometimes, but I make sure never to overdo it and to keep that sort of amusingly nonchalant/unfazed outward personality Oda has at the same time.

When around Dazai, Oda is pretty much the only person who will let him go off on one of his crazy, dramatic, depressing tangents about life/death and wanting to die and all that, deal with that loopiness that is Dazai. In other words, he won’t ignore him or admonish him for acting like that, which nearly everyone else in the series who Dazai interacts with does. The only time Oda will interfere is if Dazai is directly putting himself in a harmful situation, but when he’s just talking, he’ll let him get it all out. I haven’t actually written much involving this aspect of him, but this is important about Oda when he and Dazai are together, that Oda lets Dazai be himself and lets him get out all his extremely negative emotions instead of forcing him to bottle them up even more, which is a good thing for Dazai to have. In this way, Oda understands Dazai better than anyone else in the entire series, but the key is that he isn’t aware how much he does (because Oda is so damn humble), and so Oda never takes further steps to help out Dazai, as good as letting him talk things out is. In short, Oda cares about Dazai (most likely his fatherly instincts showing through) and worries about him unconsciously, and is content to let Dazai be his strange self when he’s with him, letting him do his thing as long as he’s not actually harming himself, which is why they get along so well… but at the same time Oda will never try to actively play counselor/therapist with Dazai to attempt to help him more permanently, because he doesn’t think he can/isn’t brave enough to/just doesn’t really think to do so. Which leads me to…

…Oda is selfish to a degree, because he’s human, and selfishness is human nature. I’m only really talking about the situation with the kids, though. Canonically, after the kids were killed, Oda went on a suicide mission for the sake of revenge for the kids, abandoning Dazai, who still desperately needed and wanted him, and throwing aside any small chance of building a happy life back up for himself and eventually getting away from the mafia and fulfilling his dream of becoming a writer, and possibly taking Dazai with him and making him happier than he is now at the ADA. In that moment, all logic shut down inside of him, and he acted on his instincts, knowing he was going to die, all because he felt like he didn’t care about anything anymore, for revenge that was more for himself than the kids who didn’t even know they were being avenged, obviously. Of course I’m not entirely blaming Oda or trying to intentionally shit on him (I love him lmao), and his mental state then is completely understandable, but it still stands that he acted on selfish motives when he did what he did and got himself killed from it. He made a huge mistake leaving Dazai behind, breaking his heart and taking his best friend in the world away from him, and I’m sure Oda realized that once Dazai showed up, realized that there was so much he still needed to do for Dazai that he never had done and never could anymore then, and realized how much it hurt him too because of how much he truly cared about Dazai. When I wrote his death scene from his own pov, that’s what I wanted to show, him realizing how selfish he had been by doing this to Dazai. Because as much as Oda loves Dazai, he loves those kids more, not only because of just him loving kids in general, but also because taking care of those kids in particular he associates directly with his own “redemption” from his previous life as an assassin, so once they’re killed, he decides that everything is over, gives up, because their deaths mean that he failed in trying to turn over a new leaf, so he goes back to killing and decides to end it all, forgetting Dazai completely. Again, I’m not blaming his mentality, not blaming Oda for being so human, but that’s basically what happened, and it was selfish. So writing anything post-bombing, I think about this a lot; Oda is a genuinely kind and loving person, there’s no doubt about it, and he wants only the best for Dazai and the kids for their own sakes, but at the same time, if he feels like his morals/beliefs are trampled on/destroyed in any way so that he can’t uphold them anymore, he’s just done, and nothing else and no one else matters in his mind anymore. Dazai never would have been “saved” by his last words if he hadn’t approached Oda himself, and as good as the ADA is for him, he would be much better there with his best friend who understands him the most, if Oda hadn’t decided to get himself offed instead.

Dazai

First and most obviously, Dazai rarely ever lets himself show any part of his emotional side. If anyone tries to question his behavior or things he says worryingly/shows concern for him, he’ll try to brush it off with some lie about him daydreaming about a creative suicide or something. He’s worse about this overdramatic goofiness in ADA-era, despite being in a better setting, because he was more inclined to get gloomier/more depressing/deeper into his bleak mind with Oda, who didn’t mind any of his behavior. Imo Dazai is of the opinion that no one in the ADA really cares about what’s going on in his mind/his emotions like Oda did, which unfortunately most of them give the impression of (even if they don’t mean it, they really need to get better about it… looking at u, Kunikida), so he acts even more over-the-top in order to annoy them even more, so there’s even less of a chance for them to worry about him, ever. He’s not comfortable sharing how he really feels with anyone anymore, so he makes sure no one ever wants to ask or wonder (”oh it’s just Dazai being Dazai, as usual”). That being said…

I’m sure there are days when he’s worse, and it’s a lot harder for him to hide it in the ADA. Atsushi obviously is most likely the only person he will ever let himself be somewhat vulnerable around now, and Atsushi will try to help him but not push him too much. So Dazai might share some things, but not too much; probably not until he and Atsushi have been with each other for a long time. Obviously, anything to do with Oda will make it hard for Dazai to retain his goofy facade, particularly Oda’s birthday and the anniversary of his death, among other, random days.

Realted to the above, Dazai never cries imo; the most he will ever allow himself is for his eyes to get barely heated or watery, and of course only when he’s alone. The only time I believe he ever full-on cried was after Oda’s death.

To Dazai, Atsushi represents Oda’s legacy, and in some ways he tries to guide Atsushi in the way that he felt like Oda guided his kids, although I’m sure that he knows he isn’t nearly as good enough for that as Oda was. But Atsushi is definitely extremely important to Dazai for so many reasons, and I’m sure he would definitely do anything to keep him safe, and genuinely be terrified if he was in serious danger.

I believe that Dazai respects Kunikida highly despite how much he trolls him, because Kunikida is basically a mix of Oda and Ango, personality-wise and morals-wise. Behind Atsushi, he’s the person Dazai cares about the most in the present time, as much as he doesn’t show it.

Similarly, imo Dazai highly respects Fukuzawa for how he runs the ADA, and for his morals and how welcoming he is to new members, which, surprise surprise, probably also reminds Dazai of Oda. But there’s another component to it, and that is how Fukuzawa is versus how Dazai’s old boss, Mori, was. It’s obvious that Mori was emotionally and mentally abusive and very unhealthy for Dazai, but I don’t think Dazai himself really felt that horror until Mori “betrayed” him by setting things up so that Oda would be led into death, and then refused to help save his life; Fukuzawa, on the other hand, values every single life of his subordinates, whereas Mori would gladly sacrifice anyone for the sake of the entire organization (and himself), and I think that difference is something that was foreign to Dazai and hard for him to trust at first, but is now something he wholeheartedly appreciates and respects about Fukuzawa. That’s my headcanon, at least, and something I think about with those two (and thinking in general about other major differences in how the ADA operates versus what Dazai just took for granted in the mafia, and how little things might still take him off-guard in the ADA even now).