#the rusted knight parody

[goldenamaranthe-blog]

The Battered Dragon

Buckle up, buttercups. This is a long one.

Jaune: Soooo... (continues looking around at the "forest" around him) where do you guys think we are?

Ruby: I don't know. I honestly didn't think I'd find anyone that quickly. Even if half of the group was tied up my a village of mice.

Weiss: (plucking a thorn out of her sleeve)They were... craftier than I would have thought.

Blake: (ears wilt) It makes me wonder where Yang is, or if she's okay.

Weiss: (places a hand on Blake's shoulder comfortingly) I'm sure we'll find Yang. You have to remember that this is Yang we're talking about. If anyone can manage surviving in an unknown world filled with random dangers, I'd place the charred remains of the Schnee fortune on it.

Blake: (ears perk up slightly) Yeah, you're right.

Weiss: (watches as Ruby and Jaune discuss what steps they should take next) You know. When we find her, it might be a good idea to have a bit of a heart-to-heart with Yang.

Blake: (ears spring skyward) I-I don't know what you're talking about.

Weiss: Blake, you almost jumped off the platform after Yang. I dragged you off the literal brink, and you immediately went feral on Neo afterwards.

Blake: I'm that obvious, huh?

Weiss: To everyone except Yang herself... (watches as Ruby trips over a random tree root and pulls Jaune down to the ground with her) And maybe those two.

Blake: (chuckles softly)

Jaune: Hey! Do you guys think we'll see the Lively Carpenter or the Battered Dragon???

Ruby: The Battered Dragon? I don't remember that character from the story.

Blake: The Battered Dragon was a strong warrior that fought back the night in a fiery blaze, but was always warm and kind towards the people in the book.

Weiss: We're not in a storybook. But! If we were, I wouldn't mind meeting the Lively Carpenter. They were so sweet in the story.

Jaune: I remember the Battered Dragon was like a barbarian of sorts. Super cool and strong who fought with her fists.

Ruby: I don't remember Yang ever reading that character. Actually, I don't remember her reading me that story at all.

Jaune: Huh... That's odd. I would have though- (draws sword) INCOMIIIIIING!!!

Jabberwalker: (bounds through the canopy into the clearing and slashes at Jaune)

Ruby: Jaune! (pulls Jaune out of the way)

Blake: Ruby! (throws Gambol Shroud, wraps the ribbon around Ruby, and yanks her back)

Weiss: (glyph attacks Jabberwalker and blasts it back)

Jabberwalker: Seeking - Searching - Contacting - DEVOURING!!! (leaps towards the group and slashes at the group wildly)

RWBJ: (get tossed to the ground)

Jabberwalker: (tail whips Blake to pin her down and leaps onto her)

Blake: (blocks claws with her sword and struggles to keep the claw from her face)

RWJ: Blake!

??? : I said I wasn't done with you yet!!!

-Burning fireball of stone barrels in and slams against the Jabberwalker's head, shattering into a million smoldering pieces as molten rock oozes over spiral horns-

??? : (rugged, dark brown leather adorned with intricate patterns and fur trims, well-worn trousers and boots, tanned leather tank top with tatters at the hem where the bottom has been torn off, revealing muscular abs and a few battle scars, and a blazing heart tattoo on a well-endowed chest. Scarred left arm is on display, muscles rippling as powerful hands grab the Jabberwalker's horns, while a paint chipped, slightly rusted metallic right arm glints dully in the sunshine. A purple bandana tied off where the metal meets flesh. Black and brown leather hand armor and pauldron adorn the left shoulder and hand with golden brown/grey whisps of fur protrude from under the plates. Burning golden hair burn out in a long trail behind a scorched, wooden dragon mask)

??? : Did you honestly think I'd let you hurt anyone here? (punches Jabberwalker a few times in the face) Then you're crazier than I thought! (throws Jabberwalker over to the next acre)

RWBJ: (stare in shock)

Jaune: (gasps like an excited child) Oh, my gosh! It's the Battered Dragon!!!

Blake: The Battered Dragon! In PERSON!

Weiss: We're actually in a fairytale....

Battered Dragon: (panting before squaring her shoulders and turning to RWBJ) Dammit! (takes off her mask, revealing one lilac and one crimson eye and three scars on her jaw) You guys weren't supposed to be here.

Jaune: Is that...?

Weiss: Yang?

Ruby: (walks up to the Battered Dragon) Yang?

Battered Dragon: (shakes her head, dislodging the tears in her eyes before nodding firmly) Yeah, Rubes. It's me. And you guys weren't supposed to-

Ruby: (grabs Yang's hand tightly) If you didn't think we'd come looking for you, then you must have forgotten who raised me.

Battered Dragon Yang: (sniffs and holds Ruby's hand) Right. I'm just... glad to see you guys again after all this ti- PUAH!!!

Blake: (tackles BDY to the ground and hugs her tight) Yang~

Battered Dragon Yang: (shocked eyes glance at Blake briefly before tears slip from her eyes, her nose wrinkles in an attempt to keep from crying, and she breaks. Arms wrap around Blake like a lifeline) It's actually you....

Weiss: (after a few minutes) Yang, what happened to you?

Battered Dragon Yang: It's... a long story...

[howlingday]

Time travel au.

Jaune revovers quick enought to save alyx and leave with her.

They arrive in volume one. With young jaune replaced by the rusted knight older him. ( he kept juniper and sadly the cat some how got throught)

Jaune adopts alyx and sets out too not fail starting with removing cinders and ironwoods heads

---------------------------------------------------

I was n't sure if you wanted this to be a RWBY timeline au (a parody/comedy), so I'll treat this as it's own thing for now.

---------------------------------------------------

"And you want to live here, correct?"

"Yes." Jaune nodded. He had no idea where the door at the tree would take him, but back in time certainly wasn't something he would ever have expected. "My... daughter will also need a roof over her head as well."

"Yes, your daughter." Ozpin furrowed his brow. "Not many parents forgo traditions, naming their children something so unique."

"Is there a problem with how I name my child?" Jaune sounded a little offended, mostly because that's what a parent should do. "She gets teased enough as it is!"

"Teased by who?" Ozpin narrowed his eyes.

"Uh, children... playmates... children who play with her!"

"I see..." He tapped on his keyboard. "And may I ask why you're attending Beacon? Couldn't your family provide you the means? The Arcs are a close friend of mine, and I'm sure they wouldn't deny a stranger, let alone one of their own."

"Oh, well, you see, they, uh..." Jaune felt his brow sweat. He was slipping. "We're distant relatives. Not really that close."

"And yet close enough to name their newborn son after you?" A smug grin split Ozpin's stoic face. "Happy birthday, by the way."

"Oh..." Busted.

"Now, why don't we start over, Mr. Arc?" Ozpin offered with a hand, not fully understanding the irony of his request. "Honesty is the best policy, as they say."

Jaune's hands clenched. "They, but not you?" He didn't deny it, allowing Jaune to continue. "I lost a lot because of you. I had nearly lost everything because of you, and your selfish crap."

"So, you're from the future, is that it?" Ozpin asked, oddly without a hint of sarcasm to him. "Why don't you tell me everything?"

Jaune gave a chuckle. "That's funny, coming from you. After everything you hid from us-"

"Because you were not ready to-"

"DON'T ACT LIKE YOU KNOW ME!" Jaune smashed his fists into the table, snarling at the old headmaster. "A lot of blood is on your hands, y'know!"

"Yes." Ozpin nodded. "And there is some on yours."

Jaune looked down to find hands bleeding. The table below was merely cracked. Jaune could flex his fingers, but it stung. His aura flared, and his wounds healed. He gave a sigh.

"Tell me, Ozpin." Jaune said, sitting down. "What do you know about the Girl Who Fell Through the World?"

Meanwhile, the titular girl was sitting quietly, reading her own book next to the recently hired Glynda Goodwitch. Every chapter a chronicle of her misdeeds, each told from her own perspective. Or at least, that's what the book sold.

"Lewis..." She heaved a heavy sigh. Juniper nuzzled her nose into Alyx's thigh, to provide comfort to the girl. It worked, and so she read on.

This was by and far the strangest thing she'd ever seen since coming to Beacon. Granted, this was still her first month, but her stance remained the same. For some reason, she had a good feeling about this job.

---------------------------------------------------

"This world... is not my own." From atop a building in Vale, The Curious Cat heaved a sighed. "Disappointing."

[pilot-boi]

Curious cat sings creepy parody Disney love song to rusted knight

I don’t know if this is the same Anon, but you both are geniuses

If I wasn’t on a cruise I’d be drawing all of this stuff SO hard

[duckapus]

Most of the major events in the Haltmann War, in more-or-less chronological order:

The distraction plan is successful and the Crew + Kirby manage to get into the Access Arc undetected...but shenanigans ensue because it's them and they all get separated early on.

Susie succeeds in copying Mario's Player Data over to Elanore, but doesn't kill him right away, because even if she wasn't afraid of how Movie Mario would react to her killstealing she'd still let him be the one to do the deed since she promised him revenge if he helped her and it would go against what's left of her principles to go back on a deal.

Lots of cool fight scenes down on the surface, with Marcy, Shroomy, Kaizo, Amy, and the other Major Side Characters, as well as the Hologram Trio, getting most of the focus.

There's also a scene with Slenderman, Siren Head and Huggy Wuggy teaming up and absolutely slaughtering Haltmann's forces.

Elanore and Barney decide to help Mario escape because he seems like a nice guy. Unfortunately, the Tax Evasion Yoshis find out and won't let them go without a fight.

Primp Town comes under attack because of course it does, allowing the Puyo Puyo characters, the Koopalings (minus Iggy 'cause he's trapped with the other mad scientists), Root and Lil Coding to show off their skills.

Tari and Saiko find Hal, who's been upgraded Mecha-Knight-Style into the Halt Monitor and is guarding the bootleg Guardian Pod Susie made from the God Box Shard.

The Access Arc's defenses come online to assist Haltmann's fleet against the good guys' much larger fleet, and Sage retaliates by bringing out the Death Egg and fighting Death Star Parody to Death Star Parody, which provides an amazing background for the ongoing fight between Movie Mario and Melony's team

The New and Improved Augmented Security Swipe takes to the battlefield back on the ground, getting into a fight with the side characters and surprise entries Dusty Grumpton and Heavy Squid, while Joe, Dusty's Dad and Fury Bowser fight the King Salmonids and that one giant robot boss from Kirby 64.

Bob and Boopkins run into The Goomba, who now has a personalized Robobot Armor he calls his Executive Suit. It has four massive arms because he, like most Goombas, has kind of a complex about that sort of thing. He's also still only calling Boopkins Fishy, which makes him rather quickly shift from trauma-and-bad-at-fighting-induced-fear to also-trauma-induced-murderous rage

Cody discovers that he inherited his mom's skill with a shotgun when his siblings nearly get killed by a squad of Octoling Clones that slipped past Primp Town's actual combatants.

Kirby, Luigi and Perry find Susie guarding the Scientists, and it's immediately obvious that they're going to have to knock some sense back into her

A second invasion fleet appears in the Internet Graveyard, only to discover that it has not been left unprotected, with 1, 2, Juliano and Knuckles leading the Dead Memes as a well-coordinated army instead of the chaotic feral mess Haltmann had probably been expecting

3 and 4 find Vee and Hex, and while 3 and Vee's frustratingly similar personalities do make them clash at first they manage to get the kids on their side like Mario did. And then the Bob-Omb Battlefield Chain Chomp shows up with a plasma cannon mounted on it.

Meggy ended up alone and, in a scene framed almost identically to the Octo Expansion Agent 3 boss cutscenes, finds DST-19, the Octoling Clone who most closely replicated their DNA donor: Desti. It even has her original Blaster, the signature hot-rod paintjob faded to almost nothing and replaced by patches of rust from its years at sea.

Movie Mario looks like he's on the ropes after a devastating blow from a Super Waluigi Launcher attack, only to tap into the God Box's power and become Mari0, which gives him a second wind also unleashes his secret army of Anti-Minions onto all of the ground battles.

There's also a massive, surprisingly powerful Anti-Meme version of the Onceler who shows up in Primp Town

At the Goomba fight, Booplins manages to actually climb up the mech while Bob's drawing fire with his actual direct fighting, and he proceeds to push the Goomba out of the mech, take control of it himself, and use it to stomp the Goomba without remorse.

Mario, Elanore and Barney defeat the Yoshis, with Mario afterwards lamenting his broken friendship with the main green one, not knowing that he's actually still conscious and has been given some things to think about

Saiko and Tari have a lot of trouble with Halt Monitor, but eventually manage to break through his reprograming thanks to their shared past in the Reboot timeline

Just when it looks like the Primp Town group is beat, Lily discovers that her siren song is the least of her voice's powers, because she unlocks the power to SHOUT DEVISTATINGLY AND IMPOSSIBLY LOUDLY, which basically deletes the Mega-Anti-Onceler, most of the invaders...and a great deal of the surrounding countryside.

During the Susie boss battle, she gradually realizes that her situation with the God Box Shard is a direct and terrifying parallel to what happened with her father and Star Dream. She's not exactly cured of her corruption, but she does at least now know there's a problem and is actively fighting against it. Unfortunately, between all the damage to the Access Arc, the God Box's influence permeating everything by this point, and Mari0 and A.S.Swipe being Mari0 and A.S.Swipe, she doesn't currently have any way to call the invasion off

Meggy vs DST-19 is nasty, both because Obvious Trauma Reasons but also because DST-19 turns out to legitimately just as good as the original Desti was, and besides the lack of talking is even acting exactly like the original would have. Ultimately the duel leads to a draw, at which point DST-19 actually finally talks, commenting on how Meggy's getting slow in her "old age," because apparently she's had Desti's memories the whole time and was looking for a rematch! So now she's part of the group, apparently.

Also A.S.Swipe gets blown up again. Hopefully for good but probably not.

It's at this point that everybody in the Arc actually manages to meet up at the bootleg Guardian Pod...well, almost everybody. Guardians are still missing up until they come crashing through a wall still pursued by the Cyber-Chomp, who's then quicky taken down and freed from its cybernetics by Executive Suit Boopkins, because he's tough now apparently. We'll see how long it lasts.

Meanwhile, out in space, Mari0 is handing Melony's team their asses and Sage is getting way too into tearing the Arc apart, to the point where she's seemingly forgotten that everyone has to actually escape from it before she finishes destroying it. Eggman is very proud of her.

The Arc group gets inside the Pod, which the Chomp puts inside its mouth, and they all shoot out the nearest airlock just in time to not get blown the fuck up, since the Chomp is the Chomp and can totally survive the vacuum of space and falling from low orbit. While that's happening Mari0 sends the group fighting him crashing to the ground

this leads to the final battle happening in a massive crater. While the Arc group is mostly still fresh to go, the space battle and ground battle groups are running on fumes at this point, with the chaos emeralds spent, Waluigi and the Demigods unable to access their powered up forms, Shaggy fucking dead (and poofed because it turns out he was the Shaggy that Axol drew on Anime Island), and Creative Mode disabled.

Despite this they still stand up to keep fighting, with Waluigi pulling out a tennis racket(gloriously fitting), Desmond doing his best with his lance and shield, Steve breaking out the Diamond Gear, and Melony actually having Kirby use her sword to become Fierce Deity Kirby and pulling out Inkweaver to use herself.

Just about everybody still standing working together(including a surprise Lawyer Kong pulling a Cease and Desist for a brief stun at one point) just barely manage to take him down...except the boss music just changed keys instead of ending.

Mari0 grabs Luigi, stating that its fitting he'd use SMG4 Mario's brother to gain the power to destroy this world, given what happened to his own, and starts fucking absorbing all of his Meme Energy! This gives him the boost he needs to start draining the Meme Energy and Anti-Meme from everyone and everything around him, except for Mario because he wants his counterpart to ba awake enough to suffer and the Haltmann siblings thanks to their immunity to Anti-Meme energy.

Regardless, this allows Mari0 to assume his final form, Mari0 Soul('cause Kirby), with only Mario, the Haltmann siblings and Peach(who has no Meme Energy of her own thanks to the Worst Activation Ever) left standing to fight him

Except, as the fight wears on and it all seems hopeless, their friends start managing to jump back into the fray, still weakened from exhaustion, injuries, pain from the extraction, and the fact that they can't use memes to screw with reality like usual, but no less willing to help save the day

Even Yoshi manages to come back and sides with the heroes, allowing for a last-minute Big Super Move courtesy of the whole Seven Star Children thing Mario, Luigi, Peach, Bowser, Wario, Yoshi and Donkey Kong have going on(from Yoshi's Island DS) that Mari0 couldn't have possibly seen coming thanks to his origins. And now he dead and the Anti-Memes die with him

Now there's the cleanup, including dealing with the whole "Desti is a goo clone now" situation, detoxing everyone who got pumped full of Anti-Meme Energy (especially Susie), and figuring out what to do with a whole extra weak-but-fully-functional-and-stable Meme Cycle Set who on one hand are creations of the God Box meant to be used for evil but on the other hand are literal children who ultimately decided to be good the very first chance they got.

Also Yoshi now gets to join Peach and Welony in the "Attempting Redemption" group! Mario is probably going to be significantly more wary about this one, considering.

[the-lincyclopedia]

AO3 First Lines

Rules: Post the first lines of your last 10 fics posted to ao3. If you have fewer than 10 fics posted, post the first lines of all your fics.

Thanks for the tag, @doggernaut! I’m making an executive decision to leave the song parodies (of which there have been many) out of this and only use the narrative fics, though I’m keeping the drabble series in. Anyway, from most recent on down, here are the first lines of my last ten fics.

Sophos knocked on the door to Helen’s apartment and shifted from foot to foot, unsure what to do with his hands. (May I Straighten Your Tie?)

Eugenides did not care that his attendants were surely listening right outside the door. (to trust more freely)

I meet Costis Ormentiedes and Eugenides, King of Attolia, in the king’s apartments, which are far less ostentatious than one might expect for the accommodations of a sovereign. (The Unlikely Friendship between the King of Attolia and His Favorite Guard)

Was Irene ever a child? (Shadow Princess Era)

Why oh why did Lucia Day have to fall right before finals week? (When Lucia Day Dawns)

Shitty wasn’t surprised to see that Jack’s eyes were red-rimmed when he answered the door at dinnertime. (had the shiniest wheels (now they’re rusting))

"Separate or together?" the waiter asked. (First Date Jitters)

I wiped away my tears. (bring on all the pretenders (i’m not afraid))

It was midterms, and somehow a mundane disagreement about something unimportant had escalated into the first real fight of Costis and Kamet’s month-old relationship. (this love is difficult (but it’s real))

At the beginning of freshman year of high school, Helen somehow convinced Irene to join the math team. (Five Times People Thought Irene and Helen Were Dating and One Time Everyone Knew They Weren’t)

I tag @khashanakalashtar @worldsentwined @hoeratius @the-knights-who-say-book and anyone else who wants to play!

[futuristic-coffinnails-x]

In the sunbleached desolation of Bright City – a landscape where even the dust stirred with an aching ennui – a metallic leviathan lurked amidst the spectral tumbleweeds of abandoned dreams and broken promises – a school bus retrofitted into a grotesque chariot of temporal dissonance by the malign hand of chance or some perverse god of entropy playing temporal dice with reality itself.

This wasn ' t your typical bomb - no fiery cataclysm of shrap and shockwave - but a cancerous tumor of time itself pulsating within the bus ' s hollowed shell , a "Future Bomb," leaking tendrils of temporal ichor into the already moribund present . I stood before it , Brix "The Mechanic," not a knight in shining armor but a grease - stained specter of a man whose heroism was as threadbare as his denim jacket , clutching my arsenal : duct tape glinting like a cruel parody of hope , a spork of + existential absurdity (forged in the fires of an apocalypse that had long since devoured meaning ) , and a spirit as dented and rusted as the abandoned cars that littered the wasteland .

The bus ' s doors hissed open , revealing an altar of circuitry and wires , a techno - shaman ' s nightmare humming with a power that predated the present , a power that reeked of forgotten futures and alternate realities . Each tick of the bomb echoed within me , a metronome of impending oblivion . Fear , a familiar companion , gnawed at my resolve , threatening to drown me in its oily despair .

But then , amidst the techno - cacophony , a glint of the absurd . A faded sticker on the bus ' s side : "Procrastination Station - Next Stop : Never!" In that moment , a morbid epiphany . I wasn ' t disarming the bomb , not truly . I was manipulating it , bending the temporal fabric with a touch of the absurd . With a wry grin , I slapped the sticker over the pulsing red wire , labeled with chilling finality : "Chronoton Detonator."

The bus convulsed , reality shuddering like a heat mirage . Silence , then a sound that cut through the desolation like a knife through rancid butter - laughter , innocent and pure , emanating from within . Not destruction , but a child ' s joyous echo from a timeline untouched . Relief washed over me , a wave as fleeting as the desert wind .

The bomb wasn't disarmed, but banished, exiled to a different reality, a reality filled with the echo of laughter. A small victory, perhaps, but in this wasteland of temporal dissonance, it felt like a supernova. As the sun dipped below the horizon, painting the sky in hues of bruised hope, I walked away. Not a hero, not a savior, but a mechanic who had faced oblivion with duct tape and a spork, a testament to the absurd defiance that flickers even in the darkest corners of the apunkalypse . And who knows, maybe the next time reality cracks open and spews forth its temporal nightmares, I'll be there, spork in hand, ready to face the absurd with a grin and a roll of duct tape, for in this broken world, even the most unlikely heroes can leave their mark, a ripple of laughter echoing through the cracks of tomorrow.

PLOT GENERATED BY AI