#the selfish desire to live and have nice things and decide youre built different than the cycle

[floorpancakes]

zhongzhu is lanky clamp boy yuri

[ververa]

“Everyone Finds True Love Or At Least A Dancing Partner” part 1

A/N: This idea is based on the movie Dirty Dancing. In fact  it was supposed to be Dirty Dancing, but my unpredictable mind came up with something else. I would never figure it all out on my own - this is all thanks to @misssmephisto​ and @emilyprentissisababe​ who bear with me all the time. Thank you so much for your help and motivating me to keep going!!! <3

I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Also wish me luck with writing further parts.

 Cordelia Goode x fem!reader

Word count: ~5,000

Heartache. Nothing, but a heartache. That’s what accompanied Cordelia her whole life. Ever since she could have remembered people were breaking her heart. And it was going on like that in a loop. First it was her mother, then Hank and if that wasn’t enough to break her, burning Myrtle at the stake undoubtedly was the last straw.

She knew that the only way out was through, but it was hard. Cordelia felt broken. At times she was barely holding on. She craved love, affection and acceptance, but all she got was betrayal, lies and unredeemed promises. Whatever she did, it never was enough. Apparently her heart wasn’t the right advisor. So she didn’t want to follow it ever again. She stopped trusting it, which seemed to be the safest, the best thing to do to protect what was left of her heart. She had been through so much and was forced to face it all on her own. All that made her built up walls. The walls that became her new home. She didn’t want to fall again, knowing that she was always the one to end up being broken and hurt. Cordelia began considering love as a weakness and she didn’t want to be vulnerable ever again. Though, there was something so strong inside her, that made her believe she would get up no matter how many times she would be brought up to her knees. She had been pushed way past the point of breaking, but there she was - still standing. Times were hard, with no doubt, but she was built tough and she was capable to pull through. She thought she was ready for everything, yet as it turned out, she wasn’t quite ready for you. 

Just when she moved on, convinced herself that she preferred to be on her own and decided she didn’t need anyone, you waltzed into her life. You came in all your glamour and beauty, doing nothing, but your thing. And that was enough. Nothing could rescue her. No matter how hard she tried to stop those thoughts, there was that something. Something inside her saying that the two of you could belong together.  

You took what was left of her heart hostage. She was trapped in your love, yet she hadn’t felt freer ever before and she didn’t want out. You freed her from the dust she was buried in. You fixed her heart piece by piece and she was bound to you. Your love felt different. It wasn’t like anything she had ever experienced. Your love was sweet and pure and unconditional. You made her embrace her fears and all the things she was carrying inside for years. You made her stronger. You took her for what she was - and that was the only thing she had ever desired. Yet still, she knew that all the good things, sooner or later, had to come to an end.

Even though the two of you had to part you didn’t let her fall. Not completely at least. You didn’t break her heart. What you did was what had to be done and she knew it. She accepted it and agreed on it, because no matter how badly you wanted to be together there was no way to do it. No plan that could work. All you could do was to let each other down gently.

At first Cordelia was sure she was fine. She came back to her routine, or rather she thought she did. Though in reality it wasn’t possible. Not since the summer. Since that damned vacation she spent with you. She couldn’t live like before. She couldn’t move on, because there was no way to run away from her mind and the memory of you. The worst thing about that was probably the fact she couldn’t grieve, because you hadn’t hurt her. There was no wound, yet it still caused her a lot of pain.

And there she was, in her office. Trying to work, but failing. Spending each minute of the day on recalling you. On recalling that pure feeling of bathing in your love. All that she wanted was to have you next to her - every day and night, just always by her side. Just like then, but the time you had together was over.

_

Convincing Cordelia to take some time off and go on proper vacation was challenging to say the least. In point of fact it seemed impossible, pointless. Handling the Academy and students entrusted to her care was Cordelia’s priority. It was always like that. Her work had always been very important to her, but after she rose as the new Supreme it practically became her whole life. To say that Cordelia turned into a workaholic wouldn’t be an exaggeration. But she wasn’t working just for the sake of work. It was her way of remaining sane, while having a hard time adjusting to the new role, dealing with her emotions and the loss of her dear aunt - Myrtle.

She barely left her office - unable to stay out of duty, worrying that if she takes some time off and allows herself to fully embrace the power she had, she may turn into her mother. The thought of it itself was causing her a lot of distress. And work seemed to be the only escape, the only way through it. The way to prove herself. 

There was always something that needed to be done, something more important than her private life, especially that the former Supreme - her larger than life mother, neglected many things. And Cordelia wanted to fix it. Fix everything and get back to the glory days of the Miss Robichaux's Academy. She didn’t even realize that she got so preoccupied by the great idea that she almost completely forgot that beside being the Supreme, she still was a human. She pretty much didn't have life out of the Coven. Of course, Cordelia didn’t consider it a problem, but at some point and in some way, it began bothering her girls. Especially Zoe, who, after Myrtle’s death, was probably the closest with the Supreme.

"You always take care of us. Let us take care of you for once" Zoe practically begged

"I'm good, but thank you"

"Come on, Cordelia! You never treat yourself” Madison interfered

“I understand that being the Supreme and the headmistress means that you have a lot of responsibilities, but once in a while you should be a bit selfish and take care of yourself" Zoe kept trying to convince her

"Zoe, I already told you, I'm not going anywhere"

The younger witch rolled her eyes at her stubborn friend.

"Don't make me do that"

"Do what?"

"If you don't take at least three weeks off, we'll riot"

"You will what?" Cordelia asked dumbfounded

"We'll stop working and the girls will stop attending classes and then whether you like it or not, you'll be forced to take a break yourself"

The Supreme sighed. She put down her pen, took off her glasses and looked at the girl for the first time since she had entered her office.

"You can't do that" she frowned

"We can and we will" Zoe stated crossing her arms across her chest

Cordelia thought for a moment. She remembered all the times when they had tried to convince her and considering that they kept on pestering her for over three weeks or so, she knew they could indeed riot. They had been basically begging her to take a break, but she kept thinking of all the things that could possibly go wrong without her being there. 

"Stop overthinking" Zoe said "We'll be okay"

"Fine" Cordelia said rising her hands as an act of capitulation. A few days off didn't sound that bad after all.

"I'll take a few days off. I'll just stay in the greenhouse and take care of my plants. It's been a while since I-"

"No! You're not staying here. You're going on proper vacation" the younger witch cut her off

"Zoe..."

"No! We'll take care of everything, while you go to that nice holiday resort we found for you. I'll book you a room and organize everything. All you need to do is pack up"

"Or I'll stay right here"

"Cordelia" Zoe said sternly "No"

"What if I promise I'll stay away from my office?"

"If you stay here you'll not do that. And that's why you're going"

Cordelia sighed. "It's preordained already, isn't it?"

"Yes. Yes, it is. But it's only for your own good, Cordelia. We're worried about you. You keep working and barely rest. You almost never leave your office, so a trip can only do some good for you" Zoe assured

The Supreme wasn't thrilled, but she gave in knowing there was no use trying to stand up to her girls. 

It had been a long time since Cordelia went on holiday. And she couldn't even recall the last time she went anywhere on her own. There was always something more important to do - the Academy, her students, her ex husband - who wasn't a fan of traveling, then Fiona and all the troubles the Coven encountered before Cordelia became the Supreme. No wonder she felt a bit anxious about the whole vacation thing.

-

The moment her chauffeur opened the door and her eyes set on enormous complex of buildings, Cordelia was shocked, outraged in fact. That was not what she had seen in the pictures the girls had showed her. That was not what she had agreed on. She wanted peace and quiet not over one thousand people in one place. But it wasn't about the place. It was about the feeling it gave her. The feeling that reminded her why exactly she didn't like going on holidays. The massive buildings, the tide of people, the noise, the chaos - it was all overwhelming. So much that she was ready to hide back and head back to the Academy or anywhere. Just anywhere seemed to be better than that place. 

Cordelia looked to Zoe and Madison, who accompanied her. She wanted to ask if there was any other option, but before she could, an older man, all dressed up in an elegant suit, appeared. 

"Miss Goode! I'm Gerald Castle, the owner" his resonant voice greeted them "Welcome to the paradise" he chuckled proudly pointing to the building

Cordelia sighed and gave him a half smile. In this very case the luxury and splendor of the place were rather annoying.

"You're our special guest" the man added "let me show you around"

Cordelia looked between the man and her girls. Still considering the escape, though, yet again, the decision was made for her. She was practically forced into the "garden" as they called the place with only one kind of flowers, which state was so poor that looking at them itself caused Cordelia great pain. While she was considering all the ways in which she could possibly fix all the damage done to the plants, the man kept dragging-pushing her farther. The Supreme turned her head to look at Zoe, voicelessly screaming for help, hoping that maybe they'd change their mind and let her go back. But they were relentless.

It was such a ridiculous situation. She was the Supreme, which seemed to mean nothing at that point and regardless of all the power she possessed she was the one taking the orders.

Was it because she couldn't stand her ground or because deep inside she actually wanted to stay there. She couldn't tell which one was it and her thoughts were soon interrupted by Gerald

"We prepared for you one of our best suites"

Cordelia tried to smile. She really wanted to like all of it. Gerald seemed to be nice and put a lot of effort into making sure she liked everything. But despite all that she hated it. It was too much. Too many people. Too many too huge buildings. Too little plants. Too little green.

She tried to find some positives, but there were none. 

"And this is my grandson Adam. He'll accompany you throughout your stay. Whatever you need tell him and you'll get it" Gerald said finally freeing her from his embrace

 Cordelia nodded, offering a small smile to the younger man. Madison looked him up and down. He was nothing like Gerald and had no idea how to pair his clothes, so that he'd look presentable. He was wearing suit and a shirt with pineapple pattern.

“He looks ridiculous” Madison whispered to Zoe, earning herself a nudge in the arm 

"Hello. It's nice to meet you ladies" he tried to be charming, but failed "Let me tell you about our attractions here-"

"Take it easy, man” Madison cut him off, even she could notice the tiredness and impassivity hidden behind Cordelia's perfect smile “Our little old lady needs some time to relax after the trip. Do you have any idea how long it takes to get here from New Orleans? Besides nobody cares about what you say. Just let her be and if she wants your boring babble, she'll for sure let you know. So, just give her the key to her room and leave her alone"

Normally Cordelia would chide Madison for her behavior, but at that time she was actually relieved and grateful there was someone who was rude for her. 

"Of course" Adam nodded and without saying a word led them to Cordelia's suite

As soon as they entered Madison threw herself on the king sized bed.

“Madison, get up! We don’t have time. We need to go back” Zoe said

“Do I really have to stay here?” Cordelia asked looking out if the window

“Yes”

“But-”

“No! Gosh, no. You’re staying here and you’re going to rest”

"Are you sure you don't want me to come back?" Cordelia looked at the younger witch pleadingly

"Yes" Madison said

The Supreme sighed

"But you know you can call me anytime and I'll come back?" 

"Cordelia Goode, stop worrying and start enjoying your free time"

“In fact, Cordy, you could use some company. If you know what I mean…”

“Madison!”

“Just chill and have some fun” 

Enjoying free time and having fun... What did that even mean? What was she supposed to do? And how other people managed to survive with such amount of spare time? Cordelia had absolutely no idea what to do. She couldn’t find herself a place. She was having a really hard time and couldn’t even enjoy the simplest things such as reading. There was nothing she could occupy her mind with, so she decided to go on a walk and explore. She hadn’t planned on drinking, but since she came across the restaurant and a bar it actually seemed to be a good idea. Definitely better than wandering aimlessly at night.

The place she found herself in was really fancy. Too fancy in fact, but that stopped surprising her. Apparently everything there was overdone and bereft of tastefulness. The only good thing there was probably music. A middle-aged singer singing Crazy by Patsy Cline, accompanied by the band made the atmosphere more bearable.

 Cordelia sat at the bar - watching couples dancing to the slow, pleasant rhythm. That was the first time she actually felt a bit lonely. Maybe Madison was right. Maybe some company could do her good.

A few drinks, or rather bottles later Cordelia’s mind went further. She began thinking about her whole life. Hank never liked dancing. He lacked tenderness that Cordelia found crucial to be able to dance the way people there did. In fact he lacked many things, but she only realized it when they weren't together anymore.

The Supreme shook her head, trying to get rid of the intrusive thoughts that flooded her mind. She might already have had too much wine, but it still didn't feel like enough, so she ordered another glass.

"It's not good wine" a woman from the other side of the bar said smiling sympathetically

"I don't care" Cordelia sighed 

She felt pretty blue that evening and if the alcohol was the only thing that could actually help her, she definitely was going to go for it.

The bartender poured her another glass of wine. She forced a smile and thanked the woman before taking a sip. The night was young, so she still had pretty much time to figure out what having fun mean. Cordelia stared at her glass, when the band started playing another song. She felt funny. She was a bit dizzy and for some reason everything made her want to laugh. The wine took its toll on her, but she regretted nothing. After all, she was finally enjoying her time. That was until Adam appeared to check on her and then stayed to keep her company. How she wished Madison was there to use her snarky comments and make him go away. But in the temporary state of euphoria she was in she didn’t really mind bearing with him that much. It was probably because his words were barely making any sense to her and he definitely knew that. It was impossible not to notice that Cordelia was drunk. That was the only explanation for her agreeing to dance with Adam. 

He held her close - closer than she would ever let him if she was in a sober state of mind. And for a few minutes he might have her full attention, but then you appeared and you stole the show.

There were many things Cordelia’s drunk mind didn’t register, but even being in such a bad state she could not miss you. It took you only a few minutes to got all the attention. 

People began cheering and clapping appreciatively as you and your dancing partner moved doing more spins than they could keep the track of and all kind of different figures none of them could copy. Cordelia stopped immediately, trying to regain the ability of thinking clearly. She felt a flow of power, which - in her state - struck her as being strange. Yet somehow it made her a bit more sober.

“Who’s that?” she asked

“Oh.. them…They’re the dance people” Adam tried to brush it off, but Cordelia looked at him questioningly demanding more information “They’re here to… umm keep the guest happy”

Cordelia smiled looking at you. She couldn’t gather her thoughts and failed to comprehend whatever Adam was saying. All she knew was that he kept trying to dance, but his moves didn’t even resemble dancing. That’s why watching you was far more better.

You really knew how to move. And Cordelia couldn’t help, but stare in awe. She was absolutely enchanted by your spins and all the other things you did… She had no idea that anyone could be this flexible. Cordelia couldn’t take her eyes off of you. She was hypnotized by the way your body moved. You seemed so light as your partner lifted you up so effortlessly. You seemed so free, yet completely focused and in total control of what you’re doing. You moved so gently and easily. Almost as if you were just walking - not jumping, spinning around or throwing your legs up in the air higher than she  had ever seen. Not to mention that the way you looked was pleasing to the eye. Your short, airy dress lifting up every so often, showing off more and more of your skin, didn’t left much to the imagination.

Cordelia was in completely agreement with what Adam said. She was the guest and she was happy thanks to you. And at that point it seemed to be the only relevant information that Adam had delivered since her arrival. But all of that didn't matter as you finished the sequence and bowed to the spectators - who were cheering even louder. It didn’t matter, because her eyes met yours and you proceeded to walk towards her. At that moment her heart skipped a beat. There was some undefined power attracting her to you, drawing her to you like a moth was drawn to the light. Cordelia didn’t know what it was, but she was willing to throw herself into the flames.

The last of her sobriety had to be used to resist Adam, who desperately tried to drag her out of the room. He was stronger than he looked and it was a real struggle. Cordelia knew she wouldn’t manage to withstand for too long, as her mind was slowly getting blurry again. But there you were - to rescue her.

“Adam, leave the poor lady alone” you shot him a warning look, but the professional smile remained on your face

“Piss off, Y/N”

You looked at him, your head tilted to the side. “Rude” you said frowning 

“Shouldn’t you be on the dance floor?”

“I am on the dance floor”

“Then dance with someone. I don’t care. Just stop bothering me and our special guest”

“Being around you is already bothering enough, besides, as far as I’m concerned your duties do not include spending time with any of the guests outside the restaurant” you smiled with satisfaction knowing he couldn’t argue with that.

“May I?” you offered Cordelia your hand, which she happily took

She didn’t mean to  giggle, but it was stronger than her. She was really drunk and just as you led her to the dance floor, away from Adam - the alcohol hit her once again. You tried to dance with her, made her move, but she kept stumbling.

‘Oh Lord…’ she heard your thoughts

‘I’m so sorry!’ she said, not realizing she did it mentally, when she stepped on your foot

“It’s fine” you said, not aware she didn’t really spoke up 

Cordelia tried to follow your moves, but ended up pushing against you more and more. Her legs felt funny, kind of weak. Too weak to carry her. She was relying on you almost completely. And as hard as you tried, you couldn’t hold her like that. Cordelia heard your sigh and felt your hand moving - you waved at someone. She watched intently as a man with whom you were dancing earlier approached you.

“Elliot, you need to help me take her to her room”

‘Oh no. I’m not going anywhere’

“Yes, you are”

Cordelia even in her drunk state, could notice confusion on the man’s face. You shook your head, apparently it was your way of telling him not to ask, so he remained silent.

“Come on, you need to lie down” you said letting her lean against you, not wanting to draw other guests’ attention

She didn’t resist. She had only just met you, but would do absolutely anything you said. Why? She had no idea. She just felt like she could trust you. As if she had an immediate connection with you. Cordelia was so close to you. Your grip on her waist was strong, yet still gentle. And something about the way you held her like that was so intoxicating that even the Supreme couldn’t resist.

“Lift her up” you said breathlessly after a few minutes of practically carrying her

“W-what?”

“We don’t have time and she clearly can’t make it to the room on her own. C’mon, Elliot!”

“Do you know who she is?”

“Trouble?” Cordelia could feel how you shifted to look at her “Yes, I’m aware” your cold hand brushed a strand of her hair from her face

“No. I mean in your case probably yes, but… She’s Cordelia Goode. Gerald’s special guest”

“Uhym… And because she’s his special guest, his grandson obviously can lay his hands on her?” 

“Nooo… Of course not”

“Then lift  her up and let’s go, before someone notices”

Cordelia heard every word, though couldn’t keep her eyes open. She didn’t know what was going on any more, but somehow she felt calm. She felt calm as long as you were there. The last thing she heard was Elliot’s sighing before he carefully took her and lift her up as you ordered. She could feel you moving away and before you could move too far she grabbed you by your wrist.

‘Don’t leave me…’

“I’m not going anywhere” you put your other hand on hers, which made her relax a bit

Cordelia tried to open her eyes as Elliot carried her to the hotel. She definitely had too much alcohol. Your face looked so blurry. As if she was looking at you through water from the bottom of a pool. Plus you were bouncing, or rather seemed as if you were which made her laugh.

“What? What’s so funny, Miss Goode?” 

Your question made her laugh even harder. ‘You look as if you’re bouncing’

“Well, I’m not bouncing”

Next time Cordelia forced herself to open her eyes she actually recognized the place - you were going through that horrible garden.

‘It’s an awful place… How can anyone be so cruel to the plants?’

“I ask myself the same question”

‘It’s time to redecorate’ 

“To what?”

Cordelia waved her hand. She didn’t see anything, but she could feel her powers flowing around. And your reaction was the confirmation she needed.

“Wow…” she heard your gasp

‘How does it look?’

“It looks great. Someone should have done that long time ago”

‘I guess, I’m the first Supreme that visited... ‘

“Apparently”

“What the hell is going on with the two of you?” Elliot asked as he stopped

“Nothing” you answered quickly “I’ll take her upstairs. Wait here, I’ll be right back”

For a moment Cordelia felt like falling down, but instead of hitting the ground she found herself in a familiar embrace. You were holding her yet again.

“Alright, Miss Supreme, let’s get you to bed, shall we?”

‘You can do to me whatever you please’

“Is there any chance you could actually cooperate and help me with that? Like… I don’t know teleport us or something?”

‘Pff… Of course I can… I am the fucking Supreme’ 

Cordelia tried to stand on her own, but stumbled and almost fell down.

“Easy, ma’am. I was just playing… I can carry you upstairs”

‘No no no. I’m the-’

“The Supreme. Yes yes, I heard that already” 

Cordelia could feel your hold tightening and soon she heard the click of the door. She opened her eyes and saw her room. You were moving towards the bed, but she remembered something and stopped.

“What?! What’s the problem now?”

‘I can’t sleep in my clothes on…’ Cordelia looked at you and smiled. She didn’t know what was so funny, but laughed anyway. ‘undress me’

“I will not”

‘C’mon… Be a dear and undress old little lady’

“I swear… The should pay me more” 

Cordelia giggled as you began unzipping her dress. She shivered when your cold hands touched her skin.

‘Your hands are cold as ice… Are you cold baby girl?’

“Sorry. Was not expecting that I’ll have to undress someone tonight”

‘Oh… If getting laid is a problem I can help with solving it’

“Woah, Miss Supreme-”

‘You could stay here. With me’ Cordelia smirked wrapping her legs around your waist

“How much did you have? How much did you drink?”

‘Not much… Two bottles. Maybe four’

“At least, now, you know your limit” you said freeing yourself from her hold “You need some sleep”

‘No’

“Yes” you gently pushed her onto the bed “Goodnight Miss Supreme” was the last thing Cordelia’s mind registered.

Tag list: @midnight-lestrange​, @natasha-danvers​, @stopkillinglilyrabe​

[grahamcarmen]

Hi, so I just finished the new season today! I have so many thoughts, the last few episodes felt kind of rushed? I wished they had gone about the whole situation between Gray and Carm at the end differently. More so on seeing them reunited. My biggest question, is why was he so quick on going back to VILE? He knew what they were capable of yes, was it to feed his criminal impulses? Why did ever want to steal in the first place? What led him to that conclusion and how did he learn of VILE? I was keen on seeing more of his backstory, and still need time to let the story simmer so I can analyze it more. It's just confusing. I guess it's just because the show ended that I feel so bittersweet y'know. What do you think Carmen would've done after they all disbanded? How could she leave them so quickly after she just got back to Team Carmen in the end? Besides wanting to see her mother. I was hoping they'd at least stay together.

i think that more than a few people feel that ( the knee jerk incredulity at her just leaving them a note and yeeting was real)

like disclaimer again: i do love carmen and this season this is just expanding on some little ??’s

on gray and “thinking gray.”: I was also feeling the lackluster on the payoff motivation wise for gray returning to VILE ( which was definitely needed as he was the secret weapon needed to finally get evil carmen back and at least partially inevitable due to ownership of the choices yadadadada )but like when he finally got his memories back he just repeated some things that i never really doubted. that gray did this of his own free will, he probably is of a lower empathy in general (which does not mean incapable of caring and doing the right thing. just that..~~~), that he regretted hurting carmen. in s1 he says his primary motivation as making more money and i was like”mmhmm fits.” being a thief and all and why not since they hadn’t introduced the big “needs to be able to tie up loose ends.” as a operative qualifier to anyone, including some of the recruits there. the only newer thing was his video that he seeked them out. which is interesting and all but sets him up as a go-getter so its so confusing that he’d choose to return to VILE ...a place where he was hurt and is so freaking selfish with what capers they choose to pursue. i kinda went on a tangent on another post that there is a theme of using a false sense of bonding to give them a little more loyalty which is like really heavy considering that means offering a “home” to what looks like operatives who might all be orphans but i don’t think it was highlighted enough to say “HEY YO” even tho GRAY LOOKS SO TIRED TO LEARN ABOUT HIS PAST WITH VILE

its really interesting because of the 3 people who had access to him/nature we got; carmen who only encouraged his desire to help (for the kiddos, for her safety, for assuring her that they were in...whatever... together, and make sure that they weren’t being secret spy jerks) ACME who got like...0 usefulness (riperonis ma guys), and VILE with maelstrom just hammering home all his shadier deeds with  “YEAH THIS IS YOU.”  AND HIM JUST ACCEPTING IT AFTER SITTING FOR A LONG AF TIME ALONE.

and when this was happening I was thinking about this analysis from another fandom about characters who resign to the law of the strong which could have been a reason for why gray doesn’t seem to hold the consequences for his failure against VILE even though he really should. (if they bothered but listen-)

its something that happens when characters choose to live in worlds they know are unfair, know that they choose to lie and steal and cheat, and thus should not be surprised or hurt when it happens to them in return. which of course lead to them not knowing where to draw the line on what happens to them...and i mean this in like some narratives usually go (hahaha no thats messed up please gtfo being treated like that is not ok and in allowing others to define your limits you are whittling yourself away). and they decide to live in resignation that. i am capable of bad... so i AM bad. (I am that guy. i’ve always been that guy) and makes them absolutely ripe for the (but you’ve been good . you can choose to be better.  it won’t erase the wrongs of the past but it will make for a better future)

but that still leaves exploration of “WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE BY THE LAW OF THE STRONG??” and you know...not having anyone to rely on, poverty, or what was simple rebelliousness turning to darker and darker paths, are some easy reasons to put a spotlight on maybe our operatives having depth and like..arcs. especially any of those reasons combined. ESPECIALLY SINCE THEY’RE WHAT VILE CONSISTENTLY IS SHOWN OFFERING. (shadowsan really is their s-tier character huh)

which i really thought this show would go for when a shivering brunt who is loyal and protective asked if she was really going to be left behind or remember how unsympathetic most of them seemed to see carmen chloroformed because “she did interrupt our heist.” meaning that they understand this world. probably have understood it for longer than anyone should. (antonio being content as a “pawn” is the tenant in my head today) and why shouldn’t more money be important. or honestly how simple it was to accept that someone would just need more money.

with gray they introduced that he could be good and he could be bad but like leaned into “no all that niceness was fake and he’s bad.” due to the hyper specificity of the mind wipe apparently? which also leans into really flat interpretation of evil!carmen (i just mean that there is a lot there ...) meaning theres no really exploration of him and more of a judgment (even though he’s shown to be kind, snarky, and upfront, as himself without a mind wipe.) and then we wait...

the pacing of the last 2 episodes: adrenaline bebe!!! but also there were so many concepts being introduced and resolved and skimmed past so that it is a little confusing at some conclusions. like the scene you’re talking about where carmen just leaves a note and ghosts is like 30 seconds and thats a lot to unpack because ?? i’m really thinking that it might have been insinuating that carmen left them the pen specifically to give them a new home to wait for her because she was going on that little break like she planned (and they knew was the endgoal) because it was behind her note and presumably placed by her but because i was focusing on the letter goodbye like ??? i thought for some reason that it was zack saying he would now like to try ACME because HE thought of it and i was like ??when did you consider this?? and 3rd watch i was finally “ahhh ok ok i think i get it.”

another bitten off scene i think might have been when gray in his first mission is already exhibiting signs of going...”huh this is not good.”

from stopping carmen from unprofessionalism to seeing that new carmen is willing to up and leave the group for mental gymnastics instead of relying on them 100% to going to the ferris wheel where he DEFINITELY SAW HER TRYING TO KILL A CIVILIAN since it showed his reaction after ivy’s. and then it turn to team red because how they feel about it definately matters more than gray but its also so easy to miss that choosing to have gray witness that as the start of what makes him turn himself in (maybe this is just a possible interpretation and its midnight ok)

evil carmen! lost her empathy. ok. so then like thats a static judgment about how they’re gonna make her do bad stuff and she still absolutely cares about her history and VILE still needed to enforce bonding and giving her memories that they comforted her and gave her her coat so thats why she cares about it and her anger at betrayal and sense of loss that she still throws right in shadowsans face when “evil”

carmen thought she crossed a personal line?? like jeeeeeez that’s 6 months of crossing lines and the most recent and horrifying one happened like not even a minute ago and then 5 seconds later we get chief and her reconciling because yes it needed to happen so we’re not gonna address how traumatizing it was or

VILE JUST WENT ALL THE WAY DOWN HUH??

and all these things are important and have the groundwork for happening but man they just happen one after the other and its like

before moving on to the next thing and like let me breathe omg

and yeah that means that so many people were left confused because the show about family (carmen’s family that SHE built ) seemed to disband for carmen to go to see her mother at last alone, shadowsan to go to his brother and a heartbroken pair of red heads to join ACME

and we get a time gap before reuniting but only a few seconds to decide if reuniting was the plan all along(the pressure point)

and there is a lot of actual IN TIME that is broad strokes that many people have already picked whats going to haunt them that wasn’t explored more...

TLDR; i get it on both counts (gray and rushed)! glad there was some sweet in your bittersweet and since canon definitely had team red in the same place they absolutely reunited and moved back into the shop and carmen talked to them about how great her mom is and planned a dinner

[erazonpo3]

Intro to my infodump on Alphecca but also I’m getting more and more shameless about it so I’ll probably dump a lot of other shit too later but back to the point: I never tend to stop mutating characters in my head but for all intents and purposes Alphecca is at a point where I’m satisfied with how fleshed out she is in my mind, so I figured I’d write it down. 

SO basically a rundown:

Alphecca’s main purpose is to be the “Season 1” villain, in which her part in the story can be expanded but mostly wraps up in a self-contained plotline, and has relatively low stakes so that there’s room for the narrative to escalate. That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t pose a threat as an antagonist- because she absolutely does- but simply that her behaviour of terrorising people and raising bodies is already the status quo, and she has no grand design or plan of action. Cassandra steps in to change that status quo for the better, but her failing to do so won’t leave anyone any worse off than they already are. Yet with that being said, Alphecca is also built to be Cassandra’s antagonist specifically, so of course there has to be a resolution there.

Alphecca as Cassandra’s antagonist

Alphecca exists to be a foil to Cassandra, so that when you put them together their differences shine brighter. Where Ilione is a foil to Cass in that she’s largely her polar opposite: extraverted, very emotionally sensitive, inexperienced etc, Alphecca is a foil to Cass by being very similar to her but for a few glaring differences. It’s worth noting that while their personalities are pretty different, they share a same jaded perspective on life and struggles with mental health that stem from an ugly ZT origin story. 

Both women were approached by Zhan Tiri during a time they felt powerless, and sided with her over loved ones in an attempt to regain control over their life. They were encouraged to embrace malice and sadism, had their faith in their loved ones undermined and had those insecurities stoked, and all this instability created the perfect storm for them to be easily manipulated and betrayed. Zhan Tiri operates as a cult leader does, seeking out vulnerable people and cutting them off from their remaining support networks until they have nowhere left to run, even if they want to. 

It’s not to say Cassandra wasn’t making her own choices, but this kind of gaslighting shouldn’t be dismissed either. Some people will forever lack sympathy for her, but that’s exactly the point of Zhan Tiri’s manipulation- if nobody’s willing to help you out of the hole you’ve dug for yourself you’re going to be stuck there to rot, so you may as well keep digging in the hope that you might hit gold eventually. 

Alphecca and Cassandra are both victims to Zhan Tiri’s super fun form of control, but the major difference between them was that Rapunzel remained willing to help Cassandra out of that hole. Alphecca didn’t have a Rapunzel, or a Varian, or a Eugene, and instead over time she became twisted and warped into a menace who doesn’t need Zhan Tiri’s encouragement to do terrible things anymore. And that’s what makes these two foils to each other; Alphecca is the monster Cassandra never was but could have easily become if she was never shown compassion. 

Thus the only person who can stop Alphecca is someone who can empathise with her, at least to some degree. In fighting terms, Alphecca has a bottomless bag of tricks up her sleeve and the nature of her undeath makes her essentially immortal. She cannot be conquered, only slowed down, and the more pissed off she gets with you the more volatile and dangerous she becomes. 

Cassandra initially sees Alphecca as a chance to prove herself, both as a force for good and as someone who can rid the world of Zhan Tiri’s legacy. However,  it quickly becomes apparent that Alphecca cannot be defeated through conventional means, because otherwise warriors like Adira (who has encountered Alphecca before) would have been able to deal with the problem. Considering that Alphecca herself has sought out her phylactery to destroy it- with an extra thousand years of hunting up her sleeve- but failed to do so, makes it apparent that she can only be stopped by being reasoned with. But for a lich who hardly remembers the human experience, that’s pretty difficult. 

It ultimately means the only person who can stop her is Cassandra, because the only person who can reason with her is someone who can empathise with her from a place of camaraderie rather than condescension, and recognises that the cycle of violence needs to be broken by compassion and not just violence but harder.  

The Storyline

Basic plotline goes like this:

Early on into her journey Cassandra learns about the bone witch that roams the wilderness and terrorises innocent villagers, desecrates the dead, is probably a cryptid because legends have existed about her for generations, et cetera and so on. When evidence appears that this witch is real Cassandra and decides to investigate, because this is a pretty straightforward “good guy stops the bad guy” situation for her to jump into. (By this point Ilione is also tagging along). 

Their first encounter with Alphecca is pretty tame. They intercept her at a mausoleum, she does a fancy music number/generally has a good time fucking around with them, but ultimately skulks back into the shadows at the end. It’s sort of all in good spirits and Alphecca isn’t ‘defeated’ by any means but still bows out as a show of good sportsmanship. 

Their future encounters are a lot less nice. 

The more Cassandra continues to pursue her, the more pissed off Alphecca gets, and when Alphecca gets pissed off she begins to embrace her sadism and her outbursts become more violent and cause more collateral damage. She lowers herself to underhanded tactics like throwing Cass into a nightmare reality a la Tromus and becomes increasingly sinister. The ‘tentpole’ of this plotline probably marks the shift from Alphecca as a trickster figure into a more dangerous one as Cass and Lio learn that she was also a disciple of Zhan Tiri. 

The situation ultimately comes to a head by the finale, by which point Alphecca is very much unhinged and out for blood. She becomes fixated on Cassandra and does her best to hit below the belt, sniffing out her insecurities about her past with the moonstone and bludgeoning them with a metaphorical sledgehammer, and basically tries to goad her into a complete spiral. 

This is the emotional climax, and the underpinning of Cassandra’s character development in becoming emotionally sound enough to shake it off. It’s at this point she understands what Alphecca is doing; Alphecca is caught in her own eternal maelstrom of emotional torture and latches onto anyone she can drag down with her for the small amount of pleasure it brings. She’s able to recognise those feelings because she can empathise with them and knows exactly what she needs to hear in that moment. 

There’s probably some extended backstory revealed by this point too, going into a little more detail about the way in which Alphecca was caught in Zhan Tiri’s web down to becoming a lich, but of course what’s more important is the resolution. 

With Cassandra getting through to her, Alphecca is able to pull herself together long enough to ease the situation back down again and have a more honest conversation about hope and humanity and compassion and all those good things. Cassandra admits that she can’t do much to ‘fix’ her, but starts by continuing Rapunzel’s legacy and showing forgiveness and compassion to someone who doesn’t think they deserve it. (Alphecca isn’t entirely regretful of all her actions, but does acknowledge that she ought not project her pain onto others anymore.) 

Alphecca Post-S1

Alphecca doesn’t really get a ‘redemption arc’ because honestly I don’t want her to be redeemed. It’s not really a moral stance so much as I believe she’s genuinely disinterested in being a better person, she just has the selfish desire to be able to live happily again. And that’s kind of all she needs. She doesn’t care much about other people, but she’s working on herself and that means squashing the sadism. 

I think it also continues to make a good parallel to Cass: Cassandra is trying to do better not only for herself but by others because she sees it as her own social responsibility, whereas Alphecca just wants to do better for herself and if other people benefit from that, that’s just a bonus. 

Alphecca doesn’t join Cassandra on her travels either, although she does make appearances as a reoccurring character. Cassandra is upfront about the fact that while she wants to help Alphecca, she needs to help herself first, and the damage Al inflicted on her is slow to heal. They’re both in danger of dragging each other down in their own spirals so it’s best that they give each other space, but it’s also very important that they’re able to share their experiences.  It’s a minor struggle between Cassandra and Ilione that Lio doesn’t really understand a lot of Cass’ struggles, although she does try to be sensitive about it. Alphecca provides that alternate perspective: Lio can provide support but little empathy, while Alphecca can provide empathy but little support. 

I’ve also got more Alphecca stuff living in my brain regarding her origins, her own foray with Death and her association with lesser and greater deities, her relationships to other ZT cultists, et cetera et cetera but I’ll probably stop here to keep it succinct. 

But basically over the course of this plotline Alphecca goes from wacky evil villain to really tragic but still evil villain to not really evil villain but still kind of a jerk neighbour that shows up at your house asking for your wifi password acquaintance. 

[linkspooky]

Ten Favorite Female Characters

I was tagged by @midnight-in-town​, so now I have to show them how much I love my favorite women. 

Name your favorite female characters from 10 different Fandoms and tag 10/or the amount you wish people

Tagging: @hamliet​ @amonmahboi​ @inumaqi​ @thyandrawrites​ @kaibutsushidousha​  @harostar​.. yeah, I don’t know ten people. 

Enoshima Junko 

“Hope is harmony. A just heart, moving toward the light. That is all. Despair is hope's polar opposite. It is messy and confusing. It swallows up love, hatred, and everything else.”

Junko wishes she was a psychopath. She’s spent her entire life pretending to be a crazy psychopath, because living that life is just so much more interesting than the one she’s stuck in. Enoshima Junko is just too smart for the world, and everything is too easy for her, and rather than try to dumb herself down a little bit she’s decided to knock everything else down. She’s a girl kicking down sandcastles because building them out of sand all alone is no longer doing it for her. 

Junko’s interesting because of the weird logic and loops she runs her brain into. There’s a complex character behind the whole “I exist only to spread despair” thing. She’s perfectly capable of forming emotional attachments to people, and genuinely caring. But the people she likes are generally far worse off than the ones she doesn’t care about. 

Junko wants so badly to, just not be human. She does the most inhuman things possible to prove that she’s not human. What really made me love her is the lengths she’s willing to go, to the point in Dangan Ronpa Zero where she basically took a screw to her own brain and started acting like a normal girl only when all of her memories were removed. 

Junkos relationship with Matsuda shows two conflicting sides of her character. How much she's humanized by her love of him,  and also how much she wants to completely destroy that part of herself. It's like she physically can't be a normal girl. Or rather she doesn’t want to be to such extremes she’ll break everything and then herself. 

And if she can’t be normal than Junko decided that self destruction is her next best bet. There’s just nothing that will satisfy Junko, and it’s interesting to watch someone that empty decide the world is going to end, or she’s going to end herself and she doesn’t really care which. 

Ajimu Najimi

“Call to me with affection, Anshin’in-san. Well, I don’t really care what manga characters call me.” 

Hey, I put Junko on this list twice. Both Ajimu and Junko live in a world that is too easy for them, and therefore they have no reason to get emotionally invested in others or try to attach themselves to anything. Which is why it’s fun to see Ajimu attempt the same thing as Junko to kill herself in style and eventually get saved from herself.

Medaka Box is such a meaningful manga to me because they take the weirdest characters and no matter how deranged they are they find the parts of them that are relatable and go, well guess what you’re human too. Ajimu literally calls herself a non-human and she’s just as human as all the rest in the end. 

The best part is it’s not her good points that make her human, it’s all her flaws. It’s easy to feel like the world isn’t real, that nothing in the world is worth living for, to feel no emotional attachment. Those are all human emotions. Not because they’re good and shining, but because they’re petty and terrible. Ajimu is this brilliant character, but she’s also kind of just a petty little girl using a ‘fiction is reality’ lens to cope. She’s not that special actually, she’s just suicidal, and kind of awful in general. It’s nice to see that human side behind the mastermind character. 

Azula

“My own mother thought I was a monster. She was right of course but it still hurts.” 

Azula is someone thoroughly dehumanized by everyone even the “good” members of her family (Uncle Iroh, Zuko, her Mother). I like how Azula in some part seems to be aware that both her brother, and mother seem to kind of consider her the “bad sibling” and she just decides to embrace it. Like it’s... not emotionally healthy in any way and it’s terribly tragic but there’s something about characters who actively make the decision to be a monster that gets me. 

There’s something about Azula’s writing that makes me uncomfortable, and it makes me sad that Zuko like... continually associates her with his father’s abuse, and demonizes her like she wasn’t also a kid going through the exact same situation, but Azula getting increasingly unstable is at least an appropriate response to that. 

Even if her brother, her mother, or her father won’t see her as her own person and they all see her as an extension of her father’s abuse on her, Azula is just so determined to be her own person even if it means burning the world, or herself A common theme I guess, but a lot of these characters have narratives about not being allowed to be their own person or shown any kind of humanity or normalcy. 

Morrigan

“Well, well, well what do we have here?”

Morrigan is mean, and nasty, and grumpy and bitchy and witchy. She’s allowed to be unlikable, because Morrigan never bends to anyone. Her survival, and freedom will become first before anything else. 

It feels like Morrigan is the main character in her own story, and you just happen to be a part of it for a short while. You may even be an important character to her, she may be attached, but ultimately you’ll never be more than support to her. 

Morrigan is such an ambitious an singular entity that her character development is letting you be a part of her life and not the other way around. She'll always survive on her own.  Morrigan is irrevocably shaped by her environemnt, and yet she craves freedom in that too because she doesn’t want to be bound by her past or shaped by her mother. So much of herself is dedicated to being better than the environment that she was raised in that she defeats her mother not by killing her, or freeing herself, but rather by being a better mother than her. 

Raven / Rachel Roth

“Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos...” 

Raven is fun, because a bunch of monks thought the best way to teach her to handle her emotions was to never allow her to feel any emotion ever. So, Raven is eternally running on a zero. She’s terrified even a small amount of happiness will end the world. She’s not allowed to be her own person, neither her bastard father, nor the monks treat her like one.

Raven is so gentle, and selfless, and emotionally perceptive and sensitive to others needs but she can’t ever display almost any of these good traits because she’s internalized the idea that she’s such a bad person. She always believes all the time that she exists to hurt others and that makes it so difficult for her to connect to others. 

Which is why her true friends bond with the Teen Titans is so meaningful, because Rachel found a family in spite of all of that. She has friends who think she’s a good person unconditionally despite the fact that Raven continually tells herself she isn’t. There are people in the world willing to navigate the maze of walls that Raven has built around herself, and that her environment forced her to build and closed up, and she’s so happy to have them. 

Midna

“Some call our realm a world of shadows, but that makes it sound so unpleasant... The twilight there holds a serene beauty... You have seen it yourself as the sun sets on this world. Bathed in that light, all the people were pure and gentle...” 

Midna just steals the show. Her story now. The game’s not called Legend of Zelda anymore now it’s Legend of Midna. Not only is she the most important character in the game she appears in, but she’s also in character someone so selfish she’ll always prioritize herself over everyone else. However, only because she feels that she can’t exist as anything other than the princess of the twilight and has to prioritize her survival for the sake of her people. Midna even says so at the start of the game, she can’t be kind because she wasn’t spoiled like princess Zelda in the bountiful kingdom of the light. 

Midna is so selfish and yet doesn’t really have her own wants and needs as a person outside of the role she has to play for her people, which is why she’s so terribly lost without it and just because this terrible selfish little gremlin. Link and Zelda affect Midna so much because they humanize her. They both sacrifice themselves to save Midna the person and she doesn’t get why. She doesn’t get why two people would help someone who has been so unkind to them and who has failed them this much so far. 

That act of selflessness moves her, and also freaks her out. She even says she didn’t want to be saved by either of them. Which is what makes her redemption in the second half of the game so interesting, because Midna really improves herself so she can become someone worth their kindness. She doesn’t want the selflessness of people like Zelda and Link to go to waste, and because of that begins to care about things outside of her kingdom and her role as princess 

Vriska Serket

“After all of this is over. Do you want to go on a d8?”

Unfortunately one of my top 3 favorite characters of all time comes from a really terrible source material. Vriska is everything I like in a character.  She's a mess. She's really hard to swallow. She's a character that's not meant to be liked.

Nobody really likes Vriska and it's all her fault for being such a horrible person, nobody wants her damage. Which is so interesting because usually main characters get forgiven over and over again. Everyone leaves and if they don't Vriska will burn those bridges herself. No character better embodies what it's like to be stuck in a self harming cycle

Authors are always so obsessed with making characters look good or showing what a good person they are few characters are allowed to be just plain unlikely in ugly ways. It’s what lets Vriskas genuine desire to be better actually seem like a struggle. 

Kocho Shinobu

“Are you angry? Yes, I’m angry Tanjiro. I’ve always been angry.” 

Shinobu is just all pleasantries on the surface, but so full of negative emotions in ways women aren't allowed to be. I love the medicine / poison dynamic to her character and how it rots her to the core. Too much medicine is a poison, while poison can be a medicine when applied to the right situation.

Shinobu is, two faced. She’s beautiful and kind, and full of ugly emotions and empty. She nurses people back from the dead, she sees no point in living herself and purposefully throws herself into a suicide in her plan against Doma. There’s just such a destructive dance between extremes for her because Shinobu is such a unique individual, trying to deal with all of these emotions she just can’t deal with. She can’t be noble, or better than her trauma, she just pretends to be a good person while she slowly rots away inside.  

Shinobu can put on smiles all day -

But she can't be like her sister.  She can't love people like her sister can. Maybe she could once but all that's left now is anger. Bitter, unpleasant, and completely in denial of it and still masquerading as a good person. The most beautiful kind of poison of all.

She’s not her sister, but she’s also not really her own person. She doesn’t know who Shinobu is, doesn’t know who Kocho Shinobu lives for. She just doesn’t imagine herself living past her revenge, and even though she’s surrounded by love she’s just so cracked it all pours out of her and absolutely nothing could be worth prolonging her life after everything she’s lost. 

Toga Himiko

“What exactly is a normal life? I also live a normal life, you know.” 

Himiko Toga is a girl who lives entirely on her own terms. Which is just so rare for a female character, you know? It’s so genuinely subversive to know that Himiko was once a nice girl, who always smiled, always put other people’s feelings first, and that sort of ‘good girl’ behavior drove her completely insane.

Toga deciding to be true to herself is an act of rebellion against the world. 

For Himiko everything is flipped. What others regard as psycho behavior is her normal. She doesn’t let other people define her story as a tragedy, and even murders the one person who tries to control her story. In a story where female characters constantly downplay their own importance to support the male characters Himiko is the only character important enough to be the center of her own story. Himiko’s story is so subversive as well, both of how society treats her, and how the story treats characters like her. 

Himiko is such an excellent yandere, all yanderes wish they were himiko. She comes off as this batshit stabby girl,  but then you find out that shes actually emotionally perceptive. She first comes off selfish, bratty, and self-centered but she turns into one of the most sensitive characters in the manga. She eschews the ideals of being a good girl that was forced down her throat, but that doesn’t mean she’s not empathic, or that she’s not capable of goodness. She’s good to twice. She’s good to the people who accept her. 

Himiko no matter what will always be a deviant. Always be an outsider. Instead of trying to make room for her her parents forced her to lie and wear a mask until her identity became completely shattered. I like Toga because under the knife wielding psycho she's a normal girl. Then under that normal girl there’s also a knife wielding psycho ready to fight back, and both of them are the real her. 

Ihei Hairu

“I saw the reaper, he was very beautiful.” 

Every character from the garden is just fundamentally broken.  Hairu and Rize are interesting foils, because if you think of about it a loveless childhood turned them both into ruthless killers. It’s just they decided to live for different things, Rize lived rejecting love and Hairu lived chasing after love. However, fundamentally they are the same. They are children starved for any kind of love or nurturing.  Hairu is so desperate she devotes her entire life to the first person who acknowledged her. However, the same sort of desperation to live, that tragic need to make the most out of the few short years they have exists in all garden children.

Hairu wants so badly to be a person, but she’s not a person. She’s half ghoul. 

There's just something about a girl who was never meant to be born and never meant to live, still trying.  There's a dark side to her character, she's violent and inhuman exactly like the environment she was raised in but she was also still a child at heart seeking love.

Which is why though her narrative is a thoroughly unhappy one, it does make me happy that there was someone who loved her in the form of Koori Ui. There is someone who wanted her to live longer. Her life was short, but she did live, and it’s that struggle to connect to others that made her truly alive. 

[itsybitsylemonsqueezy]

Oh gosh i literally LOVE your analysis thank you. And what about Majima??

Awww, thank you very much ^^; I’ve been having a good time writing these, I”m glad people are enjoying them. And everybody’s free to ask for seconds too, if interested. *breathes deep* Hoo boy, you pulling out the big guns there. Okay lads, settle down, it’ll be awhile. 

character: hate them | don’t really care | like them | LOVE them | THEY ARE MY PRECIOUS

I would give my life for Majima Goro. But I won’t because that would trigger him to fuck and back. Best boy, golden son, I am mad fucked up about him. I don’t even have time to explain all my feelings about Majima fucking Goro. You can tell because I can’t go a single fucking post without mentioning him. *whispers* I love him. 

ship with: Y’know how sometimes things are popular and you don’t get why? This is not one of those times. It’s cliche, but Kiryu Kazuma is the popular option here For A Reason. Like, I started Zero not knowing a fucking thing about Yakuza, as I think many do. And I wasn’t at all sure how Majima and Kiryu were going to be with each other, I had heard that they were the going ship and that seemed legit enough. Kiryu’s a nice boy, Majima’s a nice boy, they’d probably get on. But you make it through Zero and they don’t meet, not even once. They vaguely hear about each other and if they thought enough about it, they’d probably figure out that each other was holding the other half of their story, but there’s only that 5 second meeting in the epilogue, after the entire game is already fucking over and... Oh Shit. 

That, my many gendered gentry, was an imprinting in live time. 

But first, let’s back up a second, because I bet you’re all wondering about the Other important love in Majima’s life. So Makoto, Makoto... As I discussed in my Saejima post, after Anagura, Majima is living to die. That’s it, that’s his only goal in life, to get back into Tojo and wait there so his brother knows where to find him when he comes to kill him. He’s not looking for any other attachments in life. Because that’s the way Majima loves, body and soul, his whole existence dedicated around one thing. And he’s already signed himself up for sacrificing himself as repayment for Saejima’s sins and wasted years in prison. But then this... tragedy happens. This hit that isn’t a hit, this villain that’s really a victim. Everything goes wrong and Majima is left with do I commit the unthinkable to shorten my wait for my brother or do I forgo my brother’s rightful revenge to save this innocent? And Majima can’t. He can’t. 

He could never kill and he can’t turn his back on someone who needs help. And she does need him, specifically, there’s no one else. Anyone else couldn’t be trusted, or if they can be trusted, they’re dead. Majima is the only person he and Makoto can trust so he’s just here, doing his best, trying to keep her alive in the face of everything he wants and all the power and hate the underworld of Japan can offer. He would sacrifice his one goal of staying alive for his brother if it means keeping Makoto safe. Is that love? Oh yes, but not the livable kind. You don’t come back from that kind of dedication. Majima loves Makoto as gods love: completely. It is without judgment and without reason. That’s not the love of one finite person to another finite person, admitting, exploring, and cherishing all the flaws and limits therein, it’s not even the love of a parent to a child or vice versa. It is infinite love, all-consuming and all-destroying. It is not cognizant of personality, worthiness, or risk. It just is. In many ways, Majima does not know Makoto, he doesn’t see her, neither, ironically, does she see him. These are not two equals of mutual interest enjoying who each other is. This is a far less personal and far more profound experience. It’s like a calling, a quest. And it’s not something a stable relationship can be built on because it doesn’t actually have anything to do with who Makoto is in her day-to-day life or who Majima is in his embodied, finite experience. This is love as a philosophical point, as a moral decision. 

It is the greatest thing I’ve seen in my life that he lets her go. That sort of love will destroy you if you let it, it crushes your existence, your personality and sense of self, entirely into that of another. And you can’t live as a part of someone else, you cannot actually live for someone else, not sustainably, no matter how badly you want to. It’s the strongest thing I’ve ever seen done that Majima has the power to walk away from her and walk away from that sweet, blinding death. To choose a finite, flawed, embodied, but his own individual existence rather than let himself be consumed in an idea. And that they walk away from each other where they can both survive it. Where the idea of what was and what might have been doesn’t drive them into despair of all earthly, finite joys. Because who would choose to have a normal, dirty, working life where you are required each day to be an individual with your own wants and desires that are spurned and rewarded by turns of luck rather than the pure, golden existence of perfect moral agape? And I’m so glad that they walked away before they could be blinded by it, again, ironically enough. 

But the fact that Majima is capable of that level of love is truly terrifying. And then how fascinating that he walks away from it. That he chooses a harder, darker life that will have the normal range of joys and disappointments. The restraint it takes. The incredible, unbending sense of self and to decide that there are selfish, individual things worth caring about, even if you had the chance to become selfless for the rest of your life. I don’t think we talk about or think about that Majima walking away there was a moral choice. He wasn’t walking away from happiness, he was walking towards a different happiness. And, most importantly of all, even though he is still waiting to be killed by his brother, the fact that he walked away means that Majima is much healthier and much less self-destructive than he was at the beginning of Zero. He could have escaped it all if he went with her. But he doesn’t. And that fucking blows my mind.

I love that Majima grows after Zero. That his absolute nihilism changes as he allows himself to care about people again, maybe even care about himself again. Especially after Shimano’s death, he starts to develop relationships and things that he cares about as soon as it is safe to do so. He decides that he isn’t going to waste away waiting for his brother, he will live in this time, even if it has an expiration date. He will build something he cares about. And I think, in no small part, knowing Kiryu gives him the courage and the will to do so.

Because Kiryu is this shooting star in the dark night of Majima’s world. He is this mighty pillar standing amidst slag and waste. Kiryu does things that are right because they are right, with no thought to his own gain or risk. Kiryu does things that are right at tremendous personal risk and will fight through people trying to stop him. And Kiryu will win. Not only does Kiryu agree with the way Majima thinks and feels but, mother of god, eh actually has the power and strength to survive. 

Think about that. You’re Majima Goro and every day since you became yakuza, you have been kicked down, tortured, and abused just because you wanted to do the right thing. You have watched countless friends, allies, and enemies be shot and killed in front of you because they were trying to do the right thing. You have no choice but to do right in the secret places of your heart, to do good only in ways that can never be traced back to you, in ways no one would confuse for being good, kind things. Because it will get you killed, or worse, it will get the people around you killed. It’s not paranoia, you’ve seen it happen, your nightmares are filled to the brim with the blood and horror or good people dying just because they were good and it’s your fault, it’s all your fault because you didn’t warn them, you let them get close, you let them see you were a good person and you can NEVER. EVER. let that happen to anyone again. 

And then there’s Kiryu. Stupid, mutton-headed freak with the arms of a lumberjack and a heart as white as lilies. He’ll be dead tomorrow, you know it. He’s too good, he’s too kind, and he’s not afraid. He’s not damn near afraid enough. He has no idea what’s waiting out there to snap him to pieces. But he’s there tomorrow. Not even a scratch on him, still standing, still strong. You try to warn him, you try to beat him in a way he can survive so that he learns to never try to be good again. But he beats you. He actually fucking beats you and what the fuck are you supposed to do with that? He’ll still die anyway, there’s no way he’ll live where so many have been slaughtered. And he’s still there tomorrow. You pester him, you follow him, you watch him closely, to see what he does, who he is, how is it he’s still alive? It must be some trick, he’s either not as good as you think he is or not as strong or, or... something! Because it’s impossible, it’s impossible that anyone could, that anyone could... 

And he smiles. He smiles at you, like he can see right down to that tiny, beating, pure heart you’re trying every second to wrap in barbed wire. And you’re done. You’re fucking done for. He smiles and... it’s all fucking over. Whatever happens now, whether he dies or lives, it’s too late. He’s everything you ever wanted and it breaks you that he, somehow, wants you too. Because who would smile at you if they didn’t know you? Oh, he’s dumb as rocks still, but... the way he looks at you, in those moments when you fuck up, in those moments that if someone was watching, they would see you. And he sees you. And worse, he thinks he likes it. And... oh god. You love him. This will all end in tears. 

But it doesn’t. Kiryu’s alive and the same and that’s... that’s wonderful. And that’s the love of two people, two people who see each other and know each other and, god help them, like each other. Despite it all, the risk and worry and the problems, they just... get along. That’s why I ship it. 

(I also ship Kiryu/Majima/Tachibana sometimes and we’ll save my essay on that for an entirely different post.)

brotp: Saejima Taiga, obvs. I will not repeat my sentiments on why that’s the brotp here, there’s the Saejima post for that. But I also put Nishida and Kage right up there as Majima’s best bros. You got Nishida out here doing his best to keep his boss from dying and facilitating Majima’s ridiculous courtship ploys and trying to articulate Majima’s feelings for him when Majima Won’t because Nishida cares So Fucking Much about Majima. And he knows that Mjima hates it when people care about him, he knows Majima actively does tno want you to like him but... Nishida’ worked with him for too long not to know what a good, kind person Majima really sis, even if he’s trying his best not to show it. And god damn it, but Nishida’s not going to let him live in misery when he’s got a heart of gold like that. 

And Kage too, he and Majima look out for each other. They enjoy the odd cage match and a morose drink of fine liquor. They’ve both seen tragedy in their lives and Kage tries his best to convince Majima not to give up all hope. That Kiryu boy, he really likes him. Even Kage can see it. He’d be happy to... no, no, alright. Just thought he’d say. 

Because Majima has that effect on people. He makes friends wherever he goes because he’s a good time, he’s generous and kind and has a knack for picking up people who are down. And he’d do anything for you if you didn’t have a friend in the world. He has so much love to gives and slowly, slowly, with time and healing, with the death of Shimano and the return of his brother, slowly Majima is allowed to feel safe in loving people once more. And it warms everyone’s heart to see him happy and whole with a family and friends. Everyone he’s touched just wants him to be okay, after all he’s done for the world, please, just give him this little bit. It’s all he ever wanted.

general opinions: I Am Love. I LOvE HiM. I lOVe. I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE. I Love HIm. *sobs*

[zahra-kha]

Dear Diary 36

I’ve written in you less and less of late. This makes for less of a chronicle of my life if I don’t write in you diligently doesn’t it? Well, to be honest, I don’t feel like I need to remember every detail of my life. Especially with everything that’s been going on lately.

However, not all of it has been dark spots. Some of it has been grey, some of it has been bright. I’ve been wading myself through uncharted territory and I can’t say I’ve always made the best or correct decisions but I’m also not perfect. 

I wrote in my previous entry that I didn’t know what I was supposed to do now that my troupe was...the way it was. I didn’t know what my purpose was here in Eorzea. If I’m honest with myself, I’m still not entirely sure. I’m frightened, nervous, and there are times when I feel alone. The people who I thought were my support - it’s a mystery if they ever really cared about me (which I’ll get into in a bit) - turned out to be a source of immense pain. I’m trying to recover from that but I wish I could explain to people how difficult that is. How hard it is to trust again when family betrays you.

There’s insecurities there that weren’t before. When I spoke to Sid, I initially told him that it probably wouldn’t make a difference if I left to return home, because everyone had their lives and everyone would eventually move on with their lives. I said that, but I didn’t really mean that. To be honest, I was just scared. It’s easier to leave than to be abandoned, easier to walk away than learn later you were never wanted or needed. Easier to pull away than get rejected.

But my whole life I’ve been running. I walk forward so I can run from something that’s been chasing me. I felt like this time if I moved forward, without looking back on what I’d gained, I’d lose something really precious. And I felt like something in me would break and never recover.

I spoke with Sid for a while at the Bojza camp - it was helpful. I wasn’t looking for answers, I don’t think I was. Maybe just some clarity from my chaotic thoughts. It was easy to talk to him. He was kind and patient with me as I rambled. He didn’t try to push me in any direction, and I was grateful. I wanted to know a bit more about him, I felt maybe he understood a bit of what I was feeling. I thought maybe if I understood him, it’d help guide me to a decision. Was that selfish? Writing that down, it almost sounds as if I was using his feelings and experiences. But I also genuinely wanted to know more about him. I think he’s an interesting person that carries a profound sadness, but it also seems he’s managed to find happiness and a sense of purpose. 

That’s what I want, a sense of purpose again. Sid wondered if maybe what I’m searching for is what I lost - my family. I conceded that maybe that was it. But I’m just so hesitant in calling another group family again after what happened. I spent half my life with those people, and none of it was real. I loved them, but I was just a means to an end for them.

It would break me, shatter me beyond repair, if I fell into that trap again with everyone currently in my life.

I want to, I so badly want to believe and trust in them. They’ve been there for me, they’ve helped me, healed me. Cared for me during this whole ordeal. Hells, they have bled for my sake. And of course, I have not hesitated to jump into the fires for them as well. But that’s completely different from fully giving my heart. I just...can’t. I’m trying, but every time it’s like something cold and hard grabs hold of my throat and claws down, screaming I’m a fool. Fear consumes me, and I feel as if I’m drowning.

For now, I’m just content to be here. Sid helped me organize my thoughts and realize my path lies here. I want to heal here, and be around the friends who have shown me care. I want to relearn how to believe in true bonds again. I want to walk forward and see where the road takes me, and I don’t want to be afraid - I don’t want to do it alone.

That’s what I’ve decided.

I managed to tell Quin (Leo?) a bit of this, I hope I didn’t worry him too much. I was a bit under the weather when the truth came out, I’d been shot on the battlefield and was recovering - but it was a good talk. It’s amazing, when I first met Quin, I don’t think I had a good impression of him, and I don’t think he had any real impression of me. Now I think of him as a silly little brother. 

Speaking of, Quin and Erith got fake married! That was...interesting? I probably should have done more to stop it but it wasn’t official so I didn’t really see the harm. Uh, save for Erith putting Quin at shotgun point. I don’t know, I don’t really like getting between their dynamics because they have a really unique relationship but it’s quite clear they deeply care for one another. So I just go with their antics. Should I though? Am I enabling bad behavior?  [There’s a drawing of a dizzy Zahra along the margins]

I wonder if festivals bring out romance? There were quite a few couples seeking blessings and marriages, so I guess maybe they do? Erith was looking for a husband for Bernon so there was that. I didn’t really know how to feel about it. Not really lonely? Wistful, maybe? I can’t say I’m looking for a profound relationship, but I think having someone to laugh with and share small moments with would be nice.

Maybe...not quite the same as what Erith and Quin have. Being at shotgun point is frightening. I completely understand why Quin started drinking. Heavily.

I’m rambling, but my mind has been all over the place. I’m avoiding talking about what’s really going on in my head because I’m not sure if writing this down, reliving it, will be easy.

I’m talking about my confrontation with Sahrin.

I don’t know what I was expecting when I demanded answers from him. I think I was expecting him to explain why Sai did what she did. I was hoping he’d smile at me and tell me everything was a misunderstanding, or that they’d been acting on their own accord and he hadn’t know anything.

I didn’t mind Gail putting pressure on him - she understands what it means to be a leader, and how hard it can be to have people do things behind your back, and the heavy responsibility that leadership entails.

I also realize what I’d done to him - I appeared out of no where and threatened him into a meeting right after he’d seen everything he’d built up burned to the ground. Of course he was confused, of course he wanted answers. I’d given him nothing. I’m sure he tried to look into it on his own, but he likely didn’t get very far since he’d been gone so long deal with Armand and was unaware of all that’d been going on.

No one is omniscient, but I wasn’t entirely in a caring mood. People I had once cared about deeply had tried to kill me more than once - I was tired.

Father once told me that there are always two sides to a story, and what you know is always just a small part of a whole. He said it’s always good to know and understand the full picture of things, but never let that knowledge influence how the ending needs to be written. And if I can help it, I should always be the one holding the quill to those short chapters in my life.

Sahrin told us about Sai and Esila, and then he told us about the foundation of the troupe and what its original purpose had been. The first troupe they’d all been in - I knew they had worked for the government covertly, doing their bidding under the belief they were serving their nation. Even if it was unpleasant, someone has to do it.

Sahrin and the others felt the troupe wasn’t looking at the real threat - the Empire. And I suppose I can understand their fear. With the way the empire was expanding, the idea that Thavnair would have remained a free nation forever was questionable at best. The Empire wanted to be a world power, once they’d conquered all they’d truly desired, why not take Thavnair too?  Would we had really been able to stop them, if they had truly put their forces to it? 

"We’ll be on their list eventually.” was a legitimate fear. It was one I’d heard on the lips of some nobles and commoners growing up. Not everyone liked the Empire in Thavnair. Not everyone felt the arrangement we had was beneficial. For all the ones who welcomed them for business and trade, there were those who feared them. 

I guess Sahrin had been one of those people. He’d become frustrated with his troupe and decided to form his own. Except he couldn’t be normal about it, no. He took others who had anti-Imperial sentiment and they all decided they were going to bring in children to train and raise them - and by raise I mean brainwash - into perfect anti-Imperial fighting tools.

I cannot express the emotions I went through upon hearing that.

I mean, yes, it’s preferable to bring children into a troupe’s fold because it’s easier to train a dancer when they’re younger, more flexible, and their minds retain things easier, than to start them when they’re much older. I’m going to try and give them the benefit of the doubt and hope that’s what they - no, what Sahrin was thinking when he started this. I don’t want to think of Sahrin as a bad person. There’s just a part of me that refuses to do that.

But I can’t...forgive him for creating the troupe with those intentions. It really doesn’t matter that ‘he grew a conscious’ with me and changed his mind. Congratulations, I guess? Maybe one day when I’m not feeling so angry I’ll send him a cookie for deciding not to be quite the terrible person he could have been.

Okay. I’m feeling petty. And angry. And hurt. But his admission ripped the floor of my reality right out from under me. I admired him, looked up to him - I had wanted to be like him. I had wanted to grow up and eventually be a role model to others because of him. And then to learn all of that had been based on a foundation of lies - that I had initially been nothing more than a tool for his ambitions...

Even if he had changed his mind, clearly the others hadn’t, and that hurts. And he knew that. He’d known and I guess had been trying to change them. But you can’t change people who actively choose to hate - even if they feel their cause is righteous. There is a right way to go about change, and using - hurting - children is not it.

Sahrin helped us decipher some of the letters, and it honestly made a bit more sense when he put them into perspective. It looks like Esila really was trying to sell me out to some guy named ‘Darling’. I don’t know why he wanted me so badly, but apparently, Cecilia was getting traded to Sabe, and I was gonna get sold off in some auction had everything gone well. In exchange, I guess they were going to get their audience with Orhan and incriminate Sahrin. Sahrin guesses this was all to get a connection back to the old troupe.

They wanted a way back to the old troupe so they lied, cheated, and were even willing to kill to do it. The warmth, smiles, all of those good times we had were all fake.

I was at a loss of what to believe in. I felt like an idiot for falling for their schemes for so long. I should have seen it - hadn’t I grown up surrounded by scheming adults? I should have known better by now.

I told Sahrin I never wanted to see him again, and then after that the rest of the night was a bit of a blur. I know everyone came back to my apartment. I served them drinks and sandwiches. I wanted to make sure Quin was okay. Outside of that, I don’t remember much. They left and I remember taking Bitey and  Fènghuáng away. I still haven’t gone back to the kennel to pick them up. 

I went back to my apartment and I just...suddenly I hated everything about it. It reminded me of home, of my troupe -  and everything went white, then red. My heart felt heavy and my eyes burned. I think I screamed. I know I cried. And then I fled. I ran and ran and ran. Until my legs turned to rubber and my lungs screamed and I fell down...somewhere. I didn’t recognize the surroundings. I think I was around a lot of trees and sand. I just know the breeze felt good against my skin, and the grass was cool and comforting. 

I cried, an ugly, gulping, gut wrenching cry - until there wasn’t anything left. And then I sat back against the cliffs and stared up at the sky until the sun rose. I didn’t want to return to the apartment, so I didn’t.

And then the next day I went and dyed my hair black. I need to find some white clothing, to mark the passing of the troupe, my family, and for Esila. The Esila I knew and loved - not the one who wanted to trade me to I guess slavers. The woman I had known to be a good person.

I will mourn her death, because she had lived, and she had brought me joy, even if it had been made of lies.

[honmakurara]

Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru: extensive manga review

Tormented and explicit, sharp and sophisticated: what Mizushiro Setona's masterpiece really is.

Warning: minor spoilers ahead. "I want to read something erotic and violent": this is what Mizushiro Setona's editor asked her, echoing the request of their chief editor when assigning to the mangaka a story for the supplement of the Josei magazine Judy, meant to be read by an adult female target: "I don't expect you to write a nice story. You have other skills you can count on. You can narrate about gay people, for instance, or about sadomasochism."

Starting from the first casual incursion of Mizushiro-sensei into the world of Boys' Love, between the years 2004 and 2006 Kyūso wa Cheese no Yume o Miru (窮鼠はチーズの夢を見 - The cornered mouse dreams of cheese) was born and defined; it is one of the most beautiful and intense stories ever written about such a genre and beyond, which did even receive excellent notes from the well acclaimed Takemiya Keiko-sensei of the renowned Group 24. Starting with these premises, one can already understand how Mizushiro-sensei, who was not a master of Boys' Love back then, has nonetheless been able to offer an excellent tale that transcends the borders of genres and ranges over way beyond what it had been asked her: the story had been initially conceived as a few chapters later compiled in one tankobon, but it eventually came back on the pages of Judy with a new series of chapters. These ones have also been later published, three years later, in a sequel tankobon titled Sōjo no Koi wa Nido Haneru (俎上の鯉は二度跳ねる - The carp on the chopping block jumps twice). After the renewed interest offered to Otomo and to the cunning Imagase's story, that the live action movie announcement awakened, the new manga chapter Hummingbird Rhapsody has been added to the whole franchise, which is included in the recently revised Japanese edition of the manga.

"Imagase... I'm scared of you...!"

"And I'm... scared of you, too."   There's however not only violence and eroticism in this intricate story, and such a definition would actually mean to simplify way too much what it portrays, not to mention it would not fit exactly what the author was actually able to convey into it; other than the most obvious themes and elements, many others way more implicit and elaborate ones can be found there. We can even have a hint of that by peeking at the cover illustration of the volume, where a languid surface does not betray the contradiction of the soul. We can see an elegant portrait of the two main characters, who both hide all but dignified emotions inside them; a very accurate mirror of such a picture, which graphically reminds us of the previous editions of the manga, is the mind of the thirty years old Otomo Kyoichi after his encounter with Imagase. Otomo is a married adult man, leading an apparently impeccable life: he has good looks, polite manners and a nice job. He is gentle and esteemed by his colleagues and is able to make the many women crossing his path sigh from expectation. He cannot resist women either, that is why his life is an endless sequence of cheating on his wife. He reckons they are of no importance, at least until his wife hires the private eye Imagase Wataru to investigate upon his possible infidelities. Imagase is no new man in Otomos' life, being a kohai within the tennis club at university: he proposes to Otomo to be silent with his wife, in exchange for the heated make-out session that he never dared asking before, despite his being a unprejudiced homosexual guy having a crush on Otomo since forever. After the end of Otomo's wedding, though, the intimate encounters between the two men do not stop at all; they are pushed towards a fierce depth instead, symbols of a spiral of lust and psychological turmoil from which Otomo cannot willingly go back any more. "I am no good one."

"I know this. Bad natured men like you are the worst. Do you think that everyone is looking for that perfect person? You can't fall in love with anyone but that one person?"

"Someday, you'll find true love, too. The time will come when you can't help the feelings that well up inside you and you'll be carried away."

The themes and the premises are taken from various undoubtedly not new Boys' Love clichés; Mizushiro-sensei makes skillfully use of them to plumb the human soul as she does in many other works of her, making the story evolve quickly into something way different and way wider than what the numerous and explicit sex scenes might make us think at first. It takes a doting and obsessive homosexual guy into the life of some apparently happy man like Otomo in order to make the latter understand that his marriage is merely an empty shell, built with no true nor deep feelings to live an ordinary life. The encounter with Imagase, though, forces Otomo to think back deeply about his own actions and the meaning to give to his own life, until he gets to understand that despite his true gentleness, he has never cared for other people's feelings at all.

The relationship with Imagase makes his worst side come to the surface: jealous impulses, selfishness and possessiveness, unsuspected masochistic and yet dominating preferences, obscure compulsions and a never missing inclination towards all sorts of temptations. Otomo is no role model nor someone to praise and yet, he's neither a man whose submissive personality can be easily blamed. Such a personality is a spectrum of a lid hiding a lot of things, a reflection of our own fearful and insecure behaviour, our own incapability of getting to call ourselves into question until the moments, those surprising and unexpected moments, that are to change life for real. That these two lovers embody a strong universal value is further suggested by the choice of the Japanese kanjis with which their names are written: Mizushiro-sensei identifies Otomo Kyoichi (大伴恭一) with the definition of 'partner' itself, a potential alter ego of each of us; she entrusts Imagase Wataru (今ヶ瀬渉, from the kanjis of 'quickness', 'crossing', 'involvement' and 'human relations') with the importance of getting to catch the 'carpe diem', the fleeting moment. Should we were to play with the language a little bit, we would find out that the union of the two main characters would lead us to the meaning of a 'relationship with a partner', the play of the cat with its little mouse happening here and now, the moment that we are to live in every single instant.

"You're kidding?! I cannot believe it… You can't decide?! Between a woman... or a man?!” - Natsuki -

"Maybe Imagase is right... maybe I still have to know what true love it. Next month, I’ll turn 30."

Otomo meets a long series of women, each of whom is identified by a definite face and a marked, strong personality. Each of them leaves a vivid notch into Otomo's life; and yet, no one of these figures is able to open a gash into his soul. The true Otomo is unfathomable to anyone, himself included, just like he himself can finally understand after the new encounter with Imagase breaks the quiet surface of his existence. The desirable man that Otomo is in his colleagues' eyes, through Imagase's cynical and revealing gaze he proves to be none other than a failed seducer, a man devoid of lash and decisiveness, a figure suddenly insecure even about what the true and intense physical pleasure is and how to gain it. It is Imagase who makes the miracle, intercepting his senpai's emotional black hole, and the latter finally manages to find out where the borders of his own self lay and how to humbly face his own limitations and inner being. This does not happen thanks to a man, nor thanks to a good guy, but rather because of a tempting snake who exploits Otomo's weaknesses with a cheeky and direct attitude towards him; by acting like so, Imagase takes a vengeance towards his own young self, first of all, the one who had been unable to face with sincerity the object of his adoration, back then. "No matter how sweet he might be, he is war away, like the moon."

His impetuous whims and his sensual attentions take the lid off Otomo's soul in the deep and they produce the most unexpected of effects, by reversing the parts of this play: Otomo, the one who never even thought he would were to find himself one day on the verge of turning 30 years old by asking himself about the true nature of love, becomes fond of the weird daily life established with Imagase, and he adapts himself to such cohabitation with surprising rapidity. He becomes more and more aware of a homosexual relationship in which he, however not knowing how to move, goes on with the cautiousness, the tenderness and the care he had never reserved to any other person before, in his whole life. He even gets to question himself what it is that truly determines the happiness of a couple, both in the short and medium-long term. As for Imagase, he teaches his senpai how to increase the physical pleasure in a more and more intense way, making him find out what offering someone unconditional love means. Someone who is clearly an imperfect one in all his weaknesses, but at the same time someone who is loved for the one he is, and not just because he embodies the ideal of an unattainable perfect man.

As the relationship with Otomo evolves, though, it is Imagase slowly losing the control he had on the whole situation, as he lavishes his spasmodic need for affection -also made up of a sometimes exasperating and childish attitude-  on a story born out of a youthful crush later evolved in true and heartbreaking love, against every possible prevision.  

"I'm just eating away your current existence. I can't make you happy."

"I'll decide whether or not I'm happy. We're both so selfish."

That is why within the play of the cunning black cat with his naive mouse, it is no obvious at all who the real prey or the predator are; quite on the contrary, the roles are repeatedly overturned, both on a psychological and on a sexual level, in a turn-up which is mostly unprecedented as for what Boys' Love works are concerned: as the pages become more daring, there's a parallel growth of the sexual purse power that each of these main characters can use towards one another. A strong and undermining power. Playing tag, letting go, keeping on running after each other once again: all of those are demonstration of a love both childish and adult-like in its elements, a overwhelming love taken to the limit of the obsession, a deep affection that while looking straight into reality, forces both men to ask themselves how much they are willing to leave back of their own selfishness in exchange for an improper relationship, and yet a fulfilling and indispensable one. That is why it is equally truly fitting, the choice of borrowing the name of animals for the titles of the chapters, and these very same animals appears as 'guest-stars' inside the story itself: from a frame hanging at a restaurant to a lighter herald of jealousies, there is no similarity more proper than fish, cats, snakes, owls and butterflies to suggest us behaviours that are to recall the most primeval and animal-like instincts of the human beings. Weaving traps and spider webs: those mean, sleazy and petty acts that people also do when they're in love. "The obstacle is you. And so am I." The frame of this symbolism closes with a gaze looking up at the cover illustration, where the portraits of animals silently stand out in the background behind the main characters. At the same time, such a gaze looks suggestively up at the moon: the Romeo and Juliet described by Shakespeare invoked the moon for an eternal oath, while the Japanese writer Natsume Soseki in his famous 'Tsuki ga kirei, desu ne?' (the moon is beautiful tonight, isn't it?) metaphorically used the moon for a declaration of love. Mizushiro-sensei entrusts the white satellite with Otomo and Imagase's most unspeakable thoughts, for which the moon so becomes a silent leitmotif, as if it was a sensual tokonoma opening inside the story for all those people who can see beyond it: a sort of a story in the story, like a delicate, deep, subtle and intimate alcove. It goes beyond saying that every single dialogue of Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru manga is either enigmatic and cheeky and equally provoking and misleading: what we do reckon we understand about Otomo and Imagase, through their own words, gets later regularly denied by other facts. With thick lines and dialogues that are to tell us the very contrary of what they actually intend to convey, we cannot help but rely then on the inner voices of the many Otomos in his mind, in order to understand the nude truth: the white Otomo, the black and the grey one can maybe remind us of the concept behind the Pixar movie Inside Out, but Kyuso's one is by far forerunner of the latter. Mizushiro-sensei will make excellent use of such theme again by exploring it fully, and not without a subtle humour, in her following Nōnai Poison Berry manga; at the same time, the intricate juxtaposition of human beings and animals comes back to life in the well appreciated Shoujo manga Afterschool Nightmare, while the ultimate aim to attribute to ourselves and to love becomes the core of the romantic comedy Shitsuren Chocolatier, winner of the 36th Kodansha Manga Award - Shojo/Josei and also nominated for the Tezuka Award in 2014. Other than a fully substantial work per se, Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru can be also seen as a sort of effective experimental testing ground for the mangaka herself and her various best works.

"You think that's acceptable?!"

"Acceptable to whom?"

"To society!"

"You're overly self-conscious, as usual... society doesn't care about your sex life."

Mizushiro-sensei's style distinguishes itself for a modern and state-of-the-art graphic, an elegant and refined one, and Kyuso makes no exception: the peculiar design, so clean without any trace of deburring, gets softened as time and years passing by, as we can see by comparing the drawings made for the first chapters of the story with those from the Melancholy Butterfly onwards, and until the recent Hummingbird Rhapsody. Here the lines are so delicate and thin that they almost suggest us they could literally flake off under the piercing gaze of the reader. By leafing through the tankobon, all we can see are tidy pages, sometimes with no balloons at all, thus resulting in a huge expressive performance. The design is sharp and essential as for what details are concerned, but it is no minimalistic one; it is accurate in the depiction of bodies in every detail and characterized by a certain subtle sensuality, this latter marking not only the most rated scenes but also able to permeate the whole work instead. As used as she is in narrating with extraordinary ability about twisted and askew themes and exploring the human psyche with related sexual and gender identity issues, Mizushiro Setona offers us pages with highly aesthetic value, thrilling and bold ones, not without a sort of a certain aesthete voyeurism when depicting lovemaking scenes, however never vulgar at all. They manage to effectively evoke with a surprising visual impact, instead, the devastating passions from which both the characters and the readers end up being shaken and overwhelmed from. The violence this manga is impregnated with is mostly about its psychological insight, rather than the physical one, sex being however undoubtedly an inescapable element of the complicated events binding Otomo to Imagase: it is a key of the story but no ultimate reason of it. That is why we cannot help but follow, almost in a state of trance, how this couple is eventually able to get to intimately know each other by starting from a kiss born out of a blackmail, and thenquickly slackening every inhibition under the sheets through reversal of positions, seme/uke roles and sadomasochistic implications.

"Do you love me? Or after you got a taste of being loved so passionately are you pretending to be my lover as compensation for my feelings?"

How such a sentimental-psychological tangle can be outlined into a story constantly in balance between drama and comedy, keeping a perfect balance between each of its many faces always, without ever falling nor losing a thing, the reader can find it one page after another, surprising himself together with Otomo and Imagase in a thick and tormented love story, terribly authentic as much as its complicated and complex characters are. The pressing storyboard does now allow any rest nor break nor peace: accusations and skirmishes rebound from one man to the other in a never-ending evolution and involution of the personalities of the characters, that is until the unsettling ending; when the time of the games finishes and infantilism stops, another moment inevitably comes. The moment when the face of the adult we want to show to other people outside, goes finally and fully matching the inner essence of us as human beings. That very moment when one can take responsibility towards its own self.

"Poking holes in happiness makes you unhappy.

Nobody understands what I'm going through.

No one knows about the happiness I got to feel despite navigating into an ocean of doubts."

Otomo' sexism, while appreciating what Imagase offers him despite never intimately accepting it’s a man providing him with such a pleasure, vanishes in the very moment he gives his lover a vintage Château Pétrus bottle: it is one of the finest French wines in the whole world, thus suggesting his precious man the implicit idea of being an equally unique and irreplaceable one. Carrying on with a relationship where people can look at each other's eye and discuss, offering our whole self not in order to give back something we received but rather to go beyond our own self, it is then something quite different from seeking the pleasure of a night without any involvement: it is not the same indecisive man he was before, the one for whom appearances in society stops being an excuse, the man suddenly questioning himself how it might be wooing a man rather than a woman, or whether the relationship between two homosexual guys might even be more complete and deep than the one a heterosexual man might start with someone belonging to a ‘different’ universe from his own one.

What is love, then, if not the innate strength that allows us to see beyond our stiff self-esteem and pride, in order to overcome our limitations and arrive and reach the most intimate recesses of the one soul we naturally tend? And it is not only the Boys' Love theme per se to be central in this story, quite rather something that transcends every gender limitation to virtually embrace every kind of love, regardless of any possible colour or legitimacy. And that is because a different way of loving is no inadequate love nor a "less" love. However merely brushing LGBTQ+ themes, however never aspiring to become a gender manifesto, the Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru manga is able to outline some of these aspects with great perspicacity; there's then the excellent portrait offered to the weaknesses of the human being, slave of a need for affection as much hidden as obscure and here translated into the relentlessness of a physical and lacerating love. It does confirm to us how much the social and psychological themes are here treated with crude realism and keen sensibility. In a perfect synthesis of the Yin and Yang elements, Otomo and Imagase's greedy, mean and liar characters are flecked in a sometimes merciless way, not to mention the moment they mean to hurt other people but end up cleaving their own self instead first: it is a couple of uncomfortable characters the one we have here, someone with whom it is definitely not a pleasure to identify ourselves with, someone we wish never to meet, if any. Someone that nonetheless chooses never to give up when in front of human frailty, and that is why these characters end up being unusually authentic, charming and unforgettable ones. " I was hoping, someday, that by sharing my way of loving with you, you would have done the same to me one day." - Imagase -

 "Ugh... I don't lose my temper like this with women." - Otomo -

The new revised All in One Edition reunites the two original volumes into one, which comes with a few color pages in the introduction and the brand new extra Hummingbird Rhapsody chapter. As for what the censorship is concerned, the original pages have actually been partially edited in a very few graphic details: it has been Mizushiro-sensei herself to provide them at the request of the Japanese publisher for the revised edition, which is meant to remove every explicit content starting from 28th January 2020. That happens in order to make the manga available also to a younger target, as the live action movie received a R15+ rating. Censorship involves however only the depiction of male genitals in a few specific, small and delimited portions of the pages, mainly in the first chapters of the story, and does not apply anywhere else. Female nipples and breasts, naked bodies and rated love making are left totally untouched, and so are the original dialogues, the true quintessence of this manga. Even the revised edition presents the harsh and explicit tones of the original pages and there is none of the messages conveyed by the manga that has been damaged or watered down by the re-print. "Love is divine punishment."

Carrying a perfect balance between seduction and feelings, the Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru manga is a challenging, demanding and intense reading. It is a mature story filled with issues, a complex and provoking one; it is compulsory to get near this story with the utmost attention, receiving though a crescendo of emotions that the reader will feel entangled with until the very last page. The Italian poet Giacomo Leopardi would have probably defined it a "matto e disperatissimo" love, a 'mad and utterly desperate' one. Like a river in flood sweeping everything away, the need for getting to know how to slacken control of ourselves and how to gain it back: educating the passion in a relationship is complicated to the point of seeming almost unmanageable.

Love in daily life is quite a different issue from the feelings of a romance novel, an engagement that forces people to swallow bitter bites sometimes, an endless tension towards the other and towards ourselves. In this story that happens to painfully disturbs the deepest part of the heart, we do not know who is the one leading the game; both characters here overthrow the typical Boys' Love canons, an audacious, cocky and authentic couple ready to question itself always.

A story that cannot be missed for all the lovers of the Boys' Love genre, Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru is also quite appropriate for all those one searching for an atypical love story, a strong and nonetheless sensual one, sublimated by a masterful introspection and a very welcome hint of subtle and stinging humour. It is a work dealing with many interesting and complicated issues, though never boasting about none of its many qualities.

A story that knows no limitation and no borders. One of those volumes to keep on the shelf of our own personal bookcase with the utmost care, to take up every now and then in our hands and find new shades of meaning after every new re-reading.

**

Originally written and posted in Italian @ Animeclick

[raquellmurillo]

After the heist I want Raquel to pack her bag and get some money as Lisbon and leave Sergio ...She should stay with her family in some paradise.Monica will also join her ... They both should focus on raising their children and casual dating with guys..And sometimes Rio , Helsinki uncle will visit them .

That’s actually such a cool idea! I love Sergio and Raquel, don’t get me wrong, but above all, I love consistency lol 

Why not? What if Raquel tells him that after her talk with Alicia, she has realised that because of her love for him, she has neglected her daughter and ruined her future. Because lets face it, if Raquel is on the run, her daughter is too. 

And, I know the show never really mentions this... but Sergio is like... a criminal. I know he’s meant to be the ‘good guy’ and all, but he also goes around hiring, what, the Serbian mafia? (Who are those people???) Has a lot of money, buys a shit ton of stuff on the dark web... If the police can’t track him, the mafia’s running that shit-show can. His wealth isn’t built on an empire of people to protect him.... what is one kid with a billions of euros with no protection, living as an outcast to a criminal organisation looking for easy money? Doesn’t that just sound like a target??? It’s easier to take one person down, than a well built up ‘empire’ of people lmao - okay, if he hid away etc. but not go around making purchases like them army trucks... because as soon as he starts his heist, the people who he purchases those things from are gonna tie the two ends together... If Alicia can track him, what is finding him to an organisation with more hackers than he has??? 

Back to the point, Raquel isn’t the ‘weakest link’, both her and her daughter are ‘weak points’. If Sergio ever pisses off any of the probs very dangerous people he is working with... the main targets are gonna be the people closest to him. Back in the day when he was a petty and poor criminal, well, didn’t really matter. Now, however, things have changed.

Raquel has given her life up to be on the run not only from the police, but like, a large proportion of the criminal world. She is never going to be safe, nor is her daughter. By association she has condemned her family to, well, to some probably not fun situations in the future.

But like.... ignoring all of that.

I totally get you; love is love, I do ship them, but who said their love story had to be conventional; say she came to visit him at the end of s2, told him that she would meet up with him here and there, she would come to live with him, but in 10 years time or so, when her daughter is grown up enough to take care of herself and her decisions won’t impact her. That money might’ve bought Sergio freedom, but the moment Raquel leaves her life for it, its gonna cause her problems, ones which money won’t be able to fix. She’ll never be able to let her daughter go to school without fearing that she might say something, be recognised. She’ll never be able to have the freedom Raquel had when she was young. Her childhood might be carefree playing on the beach, but purely through association she’ll always be on the run from the police, interpol, the other criminals out there who feel like getting a few billions for, basically free, having to take down a person, not an empire. I get financial security, like totally. But its not exactly too great if the price you’re paying for it is your personal security.

And look how much more fun s3&4 would’ve been if Raquel was still part of the police... darn that would’ve been so amazing her in terms of character development, as she’d really have to decide whose side she was on. (obvs with a different plot) - acting as a double agent type thing, to alongside Sergio, make sure no one was hurt etc. 

... she is safer not being with Sergio. If Sergio truly loved her, he wouldn’t be with her. I know, I know, that’s so controversial of me to say, but I’ve seen it been done in masterpiece style on screen. I had never seen a better ship been written even though I didn’t get a single kiss! Both of the characters acknowledged they loved each other but were in an environment in which them being together would end in defo at least one of their deaths. Their love for each other was greater than any sort of sexual desire; keeping one another safe was a priority, even if it required sacrificing (very unfortunately for the audience) the desire part. It can be done. 

Love can be either selfish or selfless; I think, from the way things have been written, Sergio is more Andres’ brother than one could’ve imagined. He loves her, but not enough to resist his temptation, to ruin her, destroy her life, risk her life and her families. It sounds hella dark, but when you think about it, it sorta is. Because it is wrapped up neatly and nicely and Sergio is all cute... because she loves him and goes after him, blindly. Because however much Alicia’s dialogue about Raquel’s taste of men was written to obvs make the audience disagree with her about Sergio’s case..... darn nobody is perfect, but come on. Denver lost his father in the last heist, Sergio’s brother was shot (ik he was dying, doesn’t that make it worse for Sergio tho? The last months with his brother in paradise, lost?) but there’s one hella completely different reaction. And then we have the scene in which Raquel tells him he is just trying to avenge Berlin; does vengeance have a higher value than love? Is the whole Berlin thing not enough for him to be like, “actually, putting people that I love at life threatening risk, really isn’t a great idea”...??? Rio will eventually be arrested, and tough luck, ya know. Why put the rest of his team’s life at risk? idkkkkk His true love for Raquel will be shown in lcdp7 when he plans a heist to avenge her? WHy for the love of god is she in the bank? 

Damn right, Raquel should pack her bags up and finally find a man who is not so willing to harm her. No one said love or the character had to be perfect; I’m a true believer that love requires sacrifices, and Raquel has sacrificed a lot for him... you’d think he’d have the decency to at least not go ahead with the heist ya know. Sergio might be a bit socially awkward, but he’s not fucking dumb. I hate how people seem to think that because he hasn’t had much experience in relationships, he won’t know what he is doing... firstly, when does anyone have any sort of idea of what they’re doing in a new relationship with a new person? It’s all new, and it’s always a learning process ya know. Secondly, Sergio has enough brain cells to lecture Andres about getting married to someone knowing he has very little time... he knows enough to acknowledge that what his brother is doing, isn’t exactly too fair on his wife - which is fair enough; ya know, ‘best three years of her life’ and then she drinks herself to death from the heartache in the year following that? Very hard situation, tbh. Andres is being fucking selfish, but darn, turns out there is something in these genetics...

disclaimer: I still love Serquel, but damn I love my analysis, (I am being very picky today lmao) and if they keep this writing up, they’re gonna keep pushing me to make such unconventional findings. Never before today did I think I’d come to a conclusion that Andres and Sergio are similar in terms of ‘love’... but darn, under the cute dialogues and all the rather radical decisions of the screenwriters point towards very dark threads. 

Saying that, if you’re gonna write something like that, have the balls to actually explore it. Don’t make Raquel the ‘love interest’; consequently follow the choices through and make Sergio the nut job who put her back into the bank. Maybe even write it as him idealising the idea of his love for her... maybe the trap in their relationship is as Alicia said, Raquel idealising these guys, but Sergio also idealising her. 

[fh-horoscopes]

Astrological Concept: Friends & Foes Part 1/3

A trend in many astrological conversations is relationships. The idea that you can find the “right person” over the stars is endearing, but not realistic. Natal charts in tropical astrology paints a more complex picture of how we navigate relationships (as it should). And while romantic interests play a major role in many lives, other types of relationships in astrology sometimes go overlook with nobody to fault. So I would like to share a conversation of friendships, direct foes, and secret enemies.  In this post, we’ll discuss how the 11th house allows insight into our social sphere, specifically how we go about our friendships. 

Aries in the 11th House: Friendships come and go as you pleased with the cause mostly being boredom or level of usefulness towards decreased. Sometimes a bit selfish with the acquaintances in your life, but people gravitate towards you anyways making it easy to make friends. Strong friendships are hard to come by for you, but you love to live in the social scene. Overall: Friendships are many but fleeting. 

Taurus in the 11th House: You have a high standard for friends because you accept them far and few between. You want to nurture and care for those you choose to have relations with so in a practical standpoint, you are not gonna waste energy into friends who don’t fit your bill. If somebody can satisfy your wants and needs then you will return the favor. Overall: Friendships are few and selective. 

Gemini in the 11th House: Overall you have a need to socialize with others and will seek out those who can mentally stimulate you.  Due to your conversing habits, those may think they are closer to you than you see them. Bonds are strengthened through intellectualism and dull people will leave you to seek other company instead. It is when you share your honest and unfiltered thoughts when you know a friendship is true. Overall: Friendships are casual and entertaining. 

Cancer in the 11th House: Your friendships often become family to you. It is important for you to bond domestically with your friends. When you become close to somebody you end up becoming somebody’s emotional support and cheerleader. As nice as this sounds, a cautionary tale needs to be heard by acknowledging boundaries and valuing yourself in the friendship. You tend to favor hanging with a group of small friends who are all close to one another. Overall: Friendships are kindred and close.

Leo in the 11th House: Friendships may fuel competitiveness in favor of being in the spotlight. You may have many acquaintances, but have trouble accepting friendships when you aren’t seen as the clear leader. Friends can be seen as access to a high social status. You know how to be yourself, but sometimes lack the initiative to form a connection with others based on who they are. Overall: Friendships are self-involved and challenging. 

Virgo in the 11th House: You find it a struggle to make friends and it often points to you being too critical of others and yourself. You tend to have few friends, but they are close and can be a source of your creativity. Your energy in your friendships orientates into helping them out, but be careful not to micromanage anyone. Planning things for and with your friends is important for you. Overall: Friendships are idealized and few. 

Libra in the 11th House: Friendships need to be balanced in order to be seen as great for you and if it isn’t you gravitate towards a mediator role to fix it. Friends are very important to you, but you need to understand nobody is perfect. If somebody lacks what you need it may hurt you but you will cut them from your life and move quickly to a new. Communicating with friends is a natural talent that others admire you for. Overall: Friendships are many and serious. 

Scorpio in the 11th House: You strive to make best friends and put in the effort for it. They need to be full of depth and serious in order for a person to be worth your time. You can become very picky and because of this, you have a small social group. Loyalty is a privilege, not a right you grant to others easily. When somebody passes your guard you are emotionally vulnerable towards them. Overall: Friendships are built up and critical. 

Sagittarius in the 11th House: You make friends with all types of people regardless of social and cultural background; however you have a tendency to gravitate towards those with influence. Because of your open-mindedness, you are seen in a favorable light. Friendships are an opportunity to learn from others, therefore, you love thoughtful debates with them. You enjoy good company, but don’t want to be restricted. Overall: Friendships are intellectual and many. 

Capricorn in the 11th House: Friendships are few for you and you do not like being part of the social scene. However, the few people you choose to be close to often become an obligation for you for and you want to please them well. Because of this, you create lasting friendships but it is important for you to try to break out of your comfort zone if you seeking change in this area. Overall: Friendships are strong and difficult. 

Aquarius in the 11th House: Friendships are important to you no matter how close an individual may be to you. You have a need to be in a social setting which is typically not a problem for you because you have many people in your life to provide that. The big deciding factor in friends is if they are different and interesting because if they are boring and rigid then you will look the other way. Overall: Friendships are fun and necessary.

Pisces in the 11th House: You are a pleaser with your friends and you hope to gain what you give. However, sometimes you do not realize when a friendship isn’t true or mutual and it will take time and help from another to understand that. You want to see the best in all, but sometimes become harden from past experience of deception. You will be at a constant battle with your perception and reality, therefore, many friends will come into your life only to go. Overall: Friendships are unclear and desired. 

Coming soon... Part 2 will (hopefully) be about known foes to the signs with interpretation from 6th house and Part 3 will be secret enemies to the signs with interpretation from the 12th house.

[citialiin]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm. tagged by: @forseenclade thank you ! man i am so bad at doing memes.  tagging: @blossomingbeelzebug @zhrets @lupichorous @dansiere yayayayayayayaya

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated [ z/iggy stardust is DEFINITELY not my original character, but 683 is, and every single part of how i rp ziggy from his backstory to his personality was made up by me. that being said, ziggy is still a character that exists in media. ]

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO. [ im pretty sure ziggy is tied with the thin white duke as one of b*wie’s most famous fictional personas? ]

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES ? / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Are they underrated?  YES / NO / IDK. [ maybe a little overrated ]

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO.

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. [ celebrity rock god of limitless talent vs inevitable overrated washup. most celebrities are polarizing anyways ]

How strictly do you follow canon?  — there isnt much canon to go off of i think? the album barely even states if ziggy is an alien and b*wie himself got really wishy washy about it (sometimes saying z is a human who was contacted by aliens, he was an alien himself, etc). i dont think we know anything about him besides what he looks like (red hair / weird eyes / pale / “well hung” lmao) and he has a band called the spiders from mars, he plays the guitar left handed, he’s bisexual + androgynous, and he’s charming and popular with the teens but inevitably is a victim of his own ego. and he dies.  that too.  but that’s literally it! we know Nothing else about him.  so i filled in all the gaps because my brain has worms.  theres a little bit of the story that verges on fantasy (that he’s some sort of messiah messenger for “the infinites,” whatever the fuck THAT means, david) so i nix that because i prefer hard scifi.  and theres one BIG part that i just ... deleted out of his canon, in that the world is ending in 5 years in his timeline, and he’s like ... aware of this ?  but that’s dumb and confusing.  i legit dont care anymore. my OC now.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  im so embarrassed i know i could be genuine and actually try but i have brain blockajjolajlakala33lak33klak333ak3jka3akjj323j3 i guess it’s like ... ziggy is truly the ultimate expression OF humanity because he reveals everything both wrong and right about the human condition, he literally embodies the best of humanity and the worst at the same time, he’s a really interesting critique on the idea of genuineness/earnestness vs commercalism in art, the perils of fame, and also how humans are so inherently corrupting?  a lot of thematic stuff i like exploring is like what is innate to humans vs what is learned behavior, what are things that humans do naturally that ziggy mimics out of his desire to be like us?  i think he has a really good story arc -- he went from being a literal nameless CLONE in a society full of pragmatic forward thinking science-oriented people to a sell out rockstar celebrity in a society of people that value individualism and self expression and art, but in the process completely lost his mind and himself and gave into the worst that humanity has to offer like rampant selfishness, drug abuse, self destructive tendencies, etc. characters changing is always interesting and ziggy truly changes for the worse -- but he is never just black and white, he was never good and then suddenly evil, he just was always the same person putting on different facades and trying to be himself by constructing an identity that maybe was who he wanted to be versus who he actually is.  i dont know what im talking about. hes just an alien trying to be too hard to be human in all the wrong ways.   i just like how “gray” ziggy is. he isnt good or bad, he can be very nice and he can be very mean, he’s overtly showboating confident but at the same time deeply afflicted with self-consciousness (why tf else would anyone be So obsessed with how they present themselves?).  hes an icon of individualism but also commercialism.  he’s freakishly alien but is almost more human than humans themselves.  he struggles as lot in his head -- which makes for interesting writing, i guess !!  Im so emabrrased im not going to go back and read what i wrote so if i typoed dont look at me

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  i think ziggy comes across as really mean and nothing else.  his horrible bitchy rudeness comes across as hee hee hoo hoo sassy isnt he a rascal when it’s supposed to be more like ... he’s so far gone into the celebrity delusion he’s conflated aggressive rudeness with charmingness because no one told him otherwise and everyone worships him to the point where he’s just given into the delusion that he can do no wrong.  i think theres the general simplification problem that happens with a lot of fictional characters, it’s easy to see him as just a whacky sassy glittery quirky rockstar when i guess it avoids the inherent tragedy of like ... everything else about him. his totally fake and false sense of identity built up from superficial things like fame and labels and stardom.  maybe my version of ziggy is just too weirdly depressing and sad when i know his original iteration wasn’t quite so ... grim.  im not very sure tbh.  

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  hmmm ... a lot of things! i just really got into b*wie stuff in early 2019, i’ve ALWAYS loved aliens and sci-fi, and i was really shocked that db sets up such great visual storytelling potential but does it through music.  i just really liked ziggys “story” and i like any chance to think about aliens so i just got invested into piecing together a little backstory for him using, like, the cumulative knowledge of literally every other piece of science fiction ive ever consumed in my life.  this was summer 2019 when i was making initial pitches for my thesis film, and so i just randomly decided to pitch “animated version of ziggy stardust” as one of the potential ideas.  shockingly everyone liked it a lot and so did my professor who thought it was really cool, and then i just ended up sticking with the character and working on him for an entire year.  ziggy became my hobby but also my homework.  he was such a fun character because everything about him was interesting to me and i had just enough source material to have a starting point but so much room to take him in any direction i wanted to.

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  honestly, yooooou guyssssss. i have some really amazing fwends that ive met thru here .... and some of our dumb stupid stories have literally become NOVEL length. it just self generates inspiration because you realize the limitless amount of stories you could tell with this one single character when your character enters his story or he enters their story and etc. etc.  ive drawn endless amounts of comics and stuff for him ... ziggy is just so endlessly interesting ...   cringe be cringed bro but recently (i know this sounds dumb bear with me or die.) ive kind of realized a lot of how i rp z comes as some metaphor for the experience of being an asian immigrant/being asian in the US -- his home “culture” is a lot stricter than the rampant selfish individualism of the usa (he only lives in the uk and usa, so he thinks the whole planet is like this), he’s dissuaded from standing out from his community and his selfishness becomes a community burden rather than a personal flaw, and when he does come to earth, he goes through such awful culture shock, literally nothing makes sense to him and everything is Different.  and while some things are different in a Nice way, something things are different in an Awful way, and he’s given the option between losing his true personal identity as an atominan and giving it up to be a human.  the allure of being a human is a little too much but losing yourself like this is traumatic, in a way.  obvs like ... a little silly and definitely not something that i actively intended to put into his story arc, its just something that fell into place cuz i guess i worked so closely with my own personal experiences and feelings of “alienation” (pun intended) to try to understand how he would feel being a literal alien an shid. its cathartic to write about him. but he also has a lot of my own personal interests just thrown in -- 70s fashion, scifi, science, tryhard implications about human nature, art history, whatever dumb nonsense i get into

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / SOMETIMES?

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO  [ i would prefer information to spring up organically in the story but cuz threads always get dropped i end up just telling people outright. i didnt want anyone to know his home planet/his old name but barely anyone writes enough with ziggy to get to that point to reveal it (i legit managed to do it organically Once) so i just had to write it in a post lmao orz ]

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO [ wrote a ton of drabbles ! drew a ton of comics! ]

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO 

Are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO / I DUNNO?

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / HAHA NO.

Are you a sensitive person?  YES  / NO. / IDK ? 

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  —  definitely!  like i said ... my version of ziggy ended up being the protag of my thesis film and for 1 yr straight his characterization, backstory, design, and even how i wanted to animate his fucking movements (ziggy stardust timing charts.) were beaten to death in a classroom environment, torn apart and rebuilt into something better.  had i stayed with what i originally wanted to go with, ziggy would be so different than how i write him 2day. amazingly my pre production professor is a literal two time emmy award winning storyboard artist and animator so he definitely helped me design him (my version of ziggy is meant for ... a cartoon, obviously, not real life) and give him a better backstory?  and my post production professor is a retired disney animator who worked on hercules and a bunch of old disney channel shows?  had i gone wah wah wah i dont want to hear ur critiques i wouldnt have made him better.  if you ever think ziggy seems inconsistent or poorly written ... tell me !! i literally major in ... animation. cartoons. entertainment.  my job is to entertain you. if you are not entertained, there is a problem.  ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED ????

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  I LOVE QUESTIONS? i love ... answering questions ... if you ask me something ill come kiss you.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  sure! i dont know why that would happen, though, because i mean ... he’s an OC. but i gues someone could be like “i feel like this is incongruous to things you’ve previously established in his character” or somethin

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  —  i feel like a lot of b*wie stans would find my version of ziggy weird but i mean thats fine!  i guess my goal is to have a well written character, not necessarily an accurate version of ziggy

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  —  if you hate MY version of ziggy thats fine but if u hate ziggy stardust in general (like the bowie concept) then u need some taste what the fuck is cooler than a egomaniac genderless bisexual rockstar alien with red hair? nothing. go back to watching your CW shows you dirty filthy normie

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  yes! dm me though. dont clown me on the dash like that.  i usually write your replies 12 AM - 4 AM so it’s expected.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —  hmmm ... maybe! i do like to talk to people and i am VERY nice, trust me, if youre ever sad ill do everything i can to make you feel better. but im quiet! i dont really reach out to people and i tend to just keep to myself.  im not very social or extroverted at all haha i barely can make ooc posts without feeling like god’s coming to beat my head in with a brick. im sitting here at 5:30 AM with this meme feeling like if i post it i will die (BUT I MUST)

[skylanders-after-the-end]

Day Off

The sun was shining, spreading glorious rays of light across the islands. Something Hex used to consider a blessing. Now the light felt unpleasantly hot, almost burning to her pale blue skin. The undead has risen from the underworld once again, only this time alongside Malefor. The two most powerful undead beings in all of Skylands have put their differences aside and decided to use their powers against the living world. Next to the witch were her once trusted allies Raven and Zion, or at least what was left of them. Their eyes had a deep black color, looking like empty holes on their faces, and they had no will of their own anymore. They were nothing more than Hex’ servants.

The frightening group headed towards a village on a single large island, very much like Hex’ temporary home that wronged her all those years ago. Without speaking a word, the sorceress and her companions entered the town, much to the dismay of the mabu citizens, who stopped whatever they were doing and stared at them with terrified faces.

“Greetings, mortals!” Hex exclaimed with her strong yet somber voice. “Don’t be scared, I will do you no harm.”

That didn’t ease the inhabitants’ concerns, instead they kept on shivering and moving away from the visitor.

Hex didn’t expect anything less. No matter what she did, they would always be afraid of her. She’s deemed to be a villain. “However, I cannot say the same for yourselves.”

Malefor wore a pleased smile as he kept his eyes on the small creatures in front of him. He viewed them as pitiful worms that weren’t even worth to be burned to ashes.

“Your kind has brought more harm upon this world than any dark force could. Prejudice, arrogance, fear. You will stop at nothing to achieve your selfish desires and destroy what you do not understand. Your cruel tongues and small minds deem anyone different as bad.” Hex has aided many people in her long life, and all of them fit that description. Even though she couldn’t possibly know if everyone in Skylands was that way, the amount that she has seen so far was enough for her. “I congratulate you. Now your fears, your hate has become reality. I am the villain you so desperately wished to see.”

Some of the mabu have heard of and even seen Hex before, and like many others they didn’t trust her. They found it insane to believe that someone with such grotesque and dark powers could be a true Skylander.

Meanwhile the witch summoned forth her newfound minions. The sight of the zombies triggered a collective gasp, but the people were too afraid to flee.

“Allow me to show you what it is like, when someone you trust becomes something evil. Something that is only out for death.” Hex gazed through the crowd. All the worried faces were supposed to make her feel sympathy, but she has lost that feeling long ago. “Something that could be considered… a monster.”

The witch stretched her arms out and began reciting an ancient spell. Her eyes shifted to the same black color as those of her victims and she created purple streams of magic that shot right at the people in front of her. She made sure to only hit half of the town’s population, not all of them. Couples, friends, families, her spell always only hit one of a pair and corrupted them just like Raven and Zion. The spared ones stared in blank horror as their partners choked and twisted until they went completely still and were under Hex’ full control.

“I will give you a choice. You can either let yourself get killed by the person you once knew, or you free them from their fate by killing them instead.” It was an irreversible curse, one that could only be broken if the mission of the victim is fulfilled or by their own demise. Hex has learned it a long time ago, even though she never intended to use it.

The citizens and the corrupted slaves all got into fights. Some fled, others defended themselves, but none of them could decide who would have to die. It was a choice impossible for anyone to make, and that’s exactly what Hex wanted. The pain she felt by her friends’ betrayal and the countless rejections have turned her heart cold and bitter. The witch didn’t enjoy the sight, but it did give her a sense of satisfaction and justice. She used to want good for all those people, but all she wants now is vengeance.

Spyro entered his room at the Academy. Yet another exhausting day of scheduling missions and organizing files. Even though their only major threat now was the Golden Queen and some minor villains, it all piled up into a ton of work for the dragon. He enjoyed being the leader, it always gave him a sense of purpose and being apart of something bigger than himself, but it sure was more tiring than he had anticipated.

The Magic Skylander let himself drop onto his bed, face first into a pillow, and let out a tired groan.

“What does today’s schedule look like?” A mysterious yet familiar voice echoed through Spyro’s room, but the dragon was too worn out to move a muscle.

Stealth Elf exited her invisible state and jumped down from one of the wooden bars below the ceiling of the room. She stood in front of her friend’s bed and crossed her arms as she listened to Spyro’s groans of responses. “Is this really what the rest of your day will look like?”

Another set of muffled noises, dimmed by the pillow, that only the elf could make out. “Isn’t there anymore work to do?”

Spyro finally turned around and looked his friend in the eyes. “Of course, there’s always more work.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry about that.” Even though she wore her mask, Spyro could tell that Stealth Elf’s mouth formed a smile.

“I’m the leader.” Spyro turned his head around once more to glare at the alluring soft pillow. “It’s what I have to do.”

“Not today!” Stealth Elf exclaimed before the door behind her was slammed open and a bunch of fellow Skylanders waltzed in.

“Wha- what’s going on?” Spyro lifted himself up from the bed as he saw the group of heroes in front of him. “Did something happen? Did you find anything-”

“Nope!” Spitfire kept a smile on his face while answering the question. “But today is going to be all about you!”

Spyro looked perplexed as he tried to remember what day it was. “Is it my birthday?”

“No, silly!” Stealth Elf chuckled and looked over to Spitfire. “You’ve been working so hard these last few days we’ve decided that it’s time for you to take a day off!”

“A day off!?” Spyro sounded alarmed. “You know we can’t have that, who’s going to-”

“I will.” Spitfire, always quick to answer, volunteered to take on Spyro’s role as the leader of the Skylanders. “I know the Superchargers ain’t the entire team of Skylanders, but I’m sure I can handle it for one day.”

Spyro blinked before looking over to Déjà Vu, who entered alongside the speed demon. “I will make sure that everything outside of the Academy goes as planned. You’d be surprised how effective some time tricks can be!”

High Volt was the final member to come to word. “I will keep an eye on all the defensive systems. Any villain that tries to come close will wish they stayed in the pit they crawled out of!”

Spyro, completely beside himself, needed a moment to process everything and understand what was going on. He was about to call the entire plan off, when his eyes suddenly fell onto his pillow again. Any good leader needs to rest from time to time, that was one of the first things Eon told him when he was promoted. The dragon hasn’t taken that advice very seriously, since he wanted to prove to everyone, but mostly to himself, that he is a capable leader.

After giving it some more thought, Spyro got onto his legs and stood up. “I’ve known you all for many years now. I know that all of you have what it takes to be a Skylander and I have no doubts in your abilities, but are you completely sure about this?”

The three volunteers all nodded confidently. Stealth Elf looked at Spyro with an impatient demeanor. “Don’t worry, I’ll look after them.”

Spyro finally exhaled what felt like years’ worth of stress and tension before smiling. “Then you’re all being promoted for a day!”

The Skylanders celebrated their leader’s decision by clapping and giving each other high fives. They truly cared about Spyro and noticed how hard everything has been for the dragon lately. It was necessary for him to relax for once as well. The team was certain that everything would go just as planned.

As soon as the rising sun announced the beginning of a new day, Spyro glided over the Academy with a newfound sense of calmness. For once he didn’t have to hurry to the next report and figure out another problem, today was all about taking a break and settling down. He entered the spa nearby the showers of the Academy. It was built shortly after Kaos’ imprisonment, when they were certain that all evil was gone.

The purple dragon opened the doors leading inside the building. He was hit by a refreshing smell of all kinds of shampoos and oils. He walked over to the reception where Echo was listening to electro music through her shellphones while skimming through a magazine. When the aquatic dragon wasn’t on a stage performing one of her several songs, she worked at the spa, enjoying the calming scents and small soaps she would take with her occasionally.

Spyro stared at the unresponsive dragoness for a few moments before ringing the bell on top of the counter. When Echo continued to read her magazine, Spyro repeatedly tapped on the bell to make a ringing sound.

Echo finally looked up and hastily tossed her magazine away upon seeing her leader. She turned the music on her shellphones off and put a smile on. “Spyro! What brings you here today? Is there another mission?”

“No, don’t worry, there’s nothing for you… I think.” Spyro realized that he didn’t even know if Echo would be sent on a mission or not, he didn’t know about today’s schedule at all. “I’m here to spend the day at the spa. Spitfire is taking over in the meantime.”

“Oh, well that’s nice.” Echo has never seen Spyro willing to take a break, but she was glad that he decided to do something for himself. “So, should I check you in for an all-inclusive program?”

“Yes please.” Spyro was gleaming and his grin went from one horn to the other. He was glad to see the new spa and have a day all for himself. “What do I owe you?”

“Oh no, please. It’s on the house.” Echo denied any payment from the Magic Skylander. “You do so much for us and all of Skylands, you deserve this.”

“Oh, okay. Thanks!” Spyro never uses his role and duty to excuse himself from anything, but Echo sounded perfectly clear and the dragon knew that it was near impossible to change her mind.

“There we go. You can enter the door right there to the left in a minute.” Echo pointed down the hall with her black nails to show him the entrance. “Enjoy your stay!”

Spyro nodded in gratitude and walked over to the chairs where visitors would spend their time waiting. “I sure hope the others are managing things without me.” The dragon thought to himself, but decided to follow his friends’ advice and not worry about anything today.

Meanwhile at the headquarters of the Academy, nothing was going as planned. Even though Spitfire could get from point A to B in the blink of an eye, he struggled to focus on each of the assignments and missions before dashing off to the next one. And besides that, he didn’t know what most of his allies were talking about since Spyro made all the missions. The Superchargers never put his leadership to the test like this. They’re a small group and if there’s one thing Spitfire knew of, it was racing.

“Spitfire! Help!” A distressed Roller Brawl skated in a hurry.

“What’s going on? Is there any danger?” The Fire Skylander has heard the word ,help’ every minute of the day, he’s grown tired of it. But this time it sounded like something urgent.

“Well, you could say that.” Roller Brawl wasn’t sure how to describe the situation, so she wanted to let it speak for itself. “Just follow me!”

The two speedy Skylanders arrived at one of the defense cannons of the Academy, which was aiming at an aircraft. The problem was that it was an aircraft of the Skylanders. Spitfire saw High Volt, doing everything he could to stop the cannon, but even his light spear couldn’t get through the solid metal coat.

“High Volt, what’s going on!?” The fire spirit appeared next to his fellow Supercharger who gave up on trying to disable the cannon.

“I just reprogrammed the defense mechanism when suddenly that airship arrived, and the cannon started shooting at it!” High Volt was utterly embarrassed to be responsible for such a grave mistake when he was considered one of the most experienced Skylanders. “I didn’t expect any Skylanders to arrive at this time!”

“Why is it shooting at them in the first place?” Spitfire didn’t quite understand what the robot was trying to say. “It never shoots automatically, we always have to activate them ourselves.”

“That’s what I tried to change.” High Volt couldn’t look Spitfire in the eyes and hesitated to tell him the truth. “I programmed it, so that it shoots at any sign of movement outside.”

“You what!?” High Volt was usually the one snapping at Spitfire for some dumb stunt, but this time it was the other way around. The speed demon was so outraged, his blue fire began to shift colors and turned purple. The surrounding Skylanders observed cautiously as the current leader used his heated transformation to slash the cannon with his claws. It shot a few more projectiles at a slower pace until it finally came to a halt and the airship could land safely.

“Screw the cannons! Redirect the energy used for them to build up a shield around the Academy!” Spitfire knew that was an overreaction considering there hasn’t been ambush on the Academy since Malefor appeared, but it was all that he could think of in the heat of the moment.

High Volt nodded before the Skylanders parted their ways and Spitfire remembered Déjà Vu, who was keeping an eye out in the surrounding areas of the Academy. After seeing a blue explosion in the distance, he already expected the worst.

Back at the spa, Spyro was in the middle of enjoying a relaxing massage. With his belly on the table, the dragon enjoyed every second of the treatment. Until now, he never knew how much he needed it. After the finishing touches, the dragon moved on to the pedicure area where the workers would treat his nails. It was quite a task since the dragon never bothered too much with keeping them in good shape. All the battles he’s fought and hits he took, it certainly took a toll on him. The only time his nails were as blistering as pearls and sharp as daggers was when he awakened. That’s when his mind began to drift off once more. He still hasn’t figured out how or why that transformation occurred. Will it ever happen again? Did he truly have to be in mortal danger for it? Spyro caught and forced himself to think of something else, concentrating on the here and now.

As soon as his nails were taken care of, the dragon proceeded to his favorite part, the pool. Without hesitation, the Skylander jumped into the warm water and inhaled the steamy air. As he exhaled, he couldn’t hold back a small flame from exiting his mouth and landing on a towel. Swiftly, the dragon used his tail to splash some water onto it before it could spread. The towel still ended up with a burned coal black color, parted in the middle - just like Cynder’s wing. There it was again, the unsettling thoughts. Cynder’s injury was healed and there was nothing to worry about, or was there? Golden Queen was out there, but it wouldn’t be the first time that they’d defeat her. And then Spyro remembered. Malefor. The dragon abruptly lifted himself out of the water before he could fully sink in. This isn’t how his day was supposed to go. With a more anxious feeling in his gut, he decided to leave the tub and move on to the next room, doing his best to get his mind off of another problem. Off of Malefor.

Spitfire, in the form of a blue blur, arrived at one of the nearby islands of the Academy. He looked around himself in shock as he saw countless translucent clones of Déjà Vu running around, one of them pushing him in the process. He floated through the crowd of pigtails and staffs until the real Déjà Vu found him.

After taking a short breath and shooting one of her past selves out of existence, she started talking. “I might have overdone it.”

“I might have overdone it.” A newly created clone appeared behind the sorceress and repeated her words before she shot it with her staff as well.

“I wanted to make some past selves so I could be at multiple places at once, but I somehow got more than I bargained for.” Whilst talking, she kept aiming at her clones and made them disappear one after the other, but for everyone she shot down, two new ones appeared.

“Was this even necessary?” Spitfire was once again confused by his teammate’s decision as there was no sign of any threat.

“Well, we didn’t see Malefor coming so I thought I’d be prepared this time.” Looking back at it, the Magic Skylanders found it quite ridiculous as well. “I’m really sorry, I promise that I’ll fix it!”

“I promise that I’ll fix it!” Another clone appeared to repeat her words. And then another. And another.

Spitfire listened to the sentence over and over again and was pushed from left to right by the remaining past selves. He got into another state of such rage that his flames turned purple. Déjà Vu looked over to him in surprise before the fire spirit unleashed a giant flamenado all across the island, causing all the clones to vanish and send Déjà Vu flying.

After Spitfire calmed down, his angered expression became worried when he saw his ally lying on the ground because of his outburst. “Déjà! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to do that!”

“Don’t worry about it.” The Skylander got up, clearly hurt by the blast, but without any visible damage. “That’s what my mask is for! To protect my face from another explosion.”

Spitfire didn’t realize that she was referring to her past where she was caught up in the explosion of her self-built time machine, but he didn’t even think about that. All he could think of was his outburst and how little control he’s had over himself the today. “I can’t do this. I’m not a leader, I never was.”

Ignoring Déjà Vu’s call, the Supercharger dashed away from the island. Away from all the problems that have overwhelmed him the entire day. He knew it would be hard, but he didn’t think it would be this hard. Now he realizes how easy his job to lead the Superchargers truly is. And how much Spyro needed a break. It made him feel bad that they would have to call him back because he couldn’t get the job done.

Spitfire found himself on a small lonely island far away from the Academy. He didn’t even notice Stealth Elf following him there and appearing behind him. “Tough day?” The elf said casually as she sat down next to the disappointed spirit.

“That’s an understatement.” Spitfire sighed and stared down into the depts of the sky which were turning dark blue as the day came to an end. “How can Spyro keep up with all of this?”

“That’s what I’ve been asking myself for the past seven years as well.” Stealth Elf chuckled as she recalled all the times where the work Spyro had was close to suffocating him, yet he always managed to make the best of it. “One day I finally decided to ask him, it just seemed so odd that he went from being a cocky egomaniac to a responsible leader.”

“I guess I could learn a lesson from him then.” Spitfire smirked before his face turned serious again.

A gentle wind blew through the area and lifted Stealth Elf’s braid up as she continued to talk. “He told me that whenever he felt like there was too much, like he was about give up, he always reminded himself what he was doing it all for.”

Spitfire curiously looked at the elf. “For what?”

“For us.” Stealth Elf smiled underneath her mask. “For you, me, all of us. He always wanted the Skylands and its people to be safe, but what he wanted more than anything else was for us to be a family. No matter what came our way.” The two Skylanders looked at the night sky in silence and thought about that for a moment. Even though they were all different and didn’t always get along, they were a family. Spyro made sure that it would stay that way.

The peaceful moment was interrupted by a strange noise behind the Skylanders. They turned their heads to see a mabu standing in the shadow of a tree. It was too dark for them to see it’s face.

“Hello?” Stealth Elf lifted herself up and moved towards the creature. “We’re Skylanders, no one is supposed to be here. Are you lost?”

The mabu took a few steps forward to greet the elf with a terrifying sight. The Skylanders gasped when they saw that the mabu had pitch black eyes and was completely unresponsive, moving towards them like a zombie. When it realized that it was in the presence of another creature, it became furious, dashing at them with a morbid scream.

[taezhu]

femme fatale - two

→ mafia!doyoung x f!reader, ft. jaehyun, nct, mentions of violence/drugs → kim doyoung dictates the life around him - they’re all pawns in his puzzle that he’s never going to finish. doyoung has an x right over your head and you’re the reason it’s there. jaehyun doesn’t need an excuse more valid than the girl he loves to have a knife in someone’s back.

[preface] [one] [two] [three] [four] [five]

The stars are shining through the night sky, not a cloud to cover their beauty or the light that comes from the moon. Eunmi looks up to them as she lays in the unfamiliar bed, scared to move or look anywhere else but the window that faces her.

You find peace in the night sky. It’s constant. No changing emotions or reasons to hate you. No new threats or things that could hurt you. It’s calm.

“It’s three in the morning.” You feel the bed shuffle beside you though nothing else. “Why are you still awake, sweetheart?”

“It’s hard to sleep where you haven’t slept before, Doyoung.”

“Is that because you’re scared, though?” he asks, hand resting on your shoulder to pull you back to him.

He smiles, genuinely for once, leaning on his head on the pillow as he watches you. You stay still, opting to remain quiet at his question. You barely flinch when he touches your collarbone and trace around it.

Doyoung had called you here a few hours ago. You expected it to be Jungwoo about a task they would follow up tomorrow, but when you heard Doyoung’s voice you were relieved. If it was Doyoung who called then he wouldn’t ask you to do more than spend time with him.

He didn’t put you in danger. He’d keep you safe, away from all harm that could come to you like he wanted to protect you from the cold and dangerous world he brought you in to. Kim Doyoung was becoming your very own juxtaposition. Danger and safety. Evil and kind. Wantand need.

“You don’t have to be scared of me.” Doyoung’s fingertips find your cheek. He brushes over the skin until he reaches your lips. “I wouldn’t hurt you.”

You neglect a reaction to his touch and focus on his eyes instead. “I know you wouldn’t. I’m not scared of you.”

“Then why are you so friendly with Jungwoo? Jeno? Everyone but me? Even Kun said how nice you were. I don’t see that side of you.”

Of course. You should have expected it from your senior. You had noticed his stare from the other side of the room when you would talk about chinese food with Kun, or when you and Jungwoo would joke about something on instagram. Whenever you were with Doyoung it was serious. Nothing you ever did was friendly.

And you wanted to keep it that way.

Though a part of you wished to know the real Kim Doyoung, the one who hated to sleep alone and wanted to adopt kittens instead of spend his money on clothes and accessories, you knew it would never come to that. Why?

Doyoung was scared of you.

The power you could have over him. How much he needed to hear your voice on a daily basis in order to make his life easier. Jungwoo told you his deepest fears, Kun confessed how much he hated this life to you. Even Taeil had started to tell you how much he missed his old life.

Doyoung couldn’t say anything more than what you’d hear in a love song.

“Do you want to?” you ask. You bring your hand to his own, taking it away from your face. Doyoung seems interested by your offer. “Tell me something about you, and I’ll tell you something about me. We can be… friends. Do what friends do.”

“I want to be more than your friend.”

“But we have to start somewhere, Doyoung. So tell me your biggest fear and I’ll tell you mine. An eye for an eye.”

There’s a moment of silence and Doyoung works through his choices. He looks from the sky outside, to you, and then your lips. He stutters, but manages his words in the end. “I’m afraid of people.”

“People?”

“People are scary, don’t you think?” Doyoung asks. He looks distant. “How they can change emotions so quickly. How nothing can mean anything to them. How expandable people are. Everything about people terrifies me. I don’t trust anyone apart from…”

He stops again. Contemplating telling you his true feelings, more than that maybe. Doyoung doesn’t like emotions but he’s not stupid as to what he’s feeling. There is only one person he feels like he can trust but he knows that information is sacred in a world like this.

You realise that he’s not going to finish, and decides to treat him like you would treat a friend. Stop them from feeling embarrassed or scared. They canbe friends. “My biggest fear is drowning. I hate the idea of getting stuck in water or not being able to get out of the ocean. I never used to go in swimming pools when I was younger in case I couldn’t get out.”

“That’s mediocre,” Doyoung tells you, furrowing his brows, “you can overcome a fear like that.”

“You can’t destroy elements. Mother nature is more powerful than you, Kim Doyoung. You need to accept that.”

“No one is more powerful than me, sweetheart. Youneed to accept that.”

***

You’re sitting on your own at a park a few miles from where you lives when you’re approached by a man wearing a red jumper and black jeans. You’ve met so many people recently that you put nothing past it, continuing to read the book in your hands.

He sits down beside you, crossing his legs and pulling his face mask down so it rests under his chin. You wait for a moment before looking up to him, only to be met with a smile that's built on darkness.

“Nice to meet you,” he says. He closes your book shut and takes it from your hands, placing it between the two of you. “For someone so open, you're hard to track down. I've had Chenle follow you for a day now and none of us can work out your movements. You're smart. I see why Doyoung has decided to keep you as an asset.”

Being referred to as something so miniscule as Doyoung's asset sends you into a state of solitude. You’re reminded that Doyoung doesn't care for you any more than he cares for Johnny Seo.

“I'm sure Doyoung has mentioned my name before - Jaehyun. I hear that you can be of some assistance to me if I require.”

“I work for Doyoung,” you tell him.

“I'm aware. I know what he says about not helping others out either. Have you not noticed how selfish he is? If I asked Taeyong to move you to my control Doyoung would lose you in a heartbeat,” Jaehyun states. He doesn't remind you of Doyoung. He's smart but he's not like Doyoung, he's sweet but he's not kind. He's had this conversation before. “Of course I won't be the one to cause an internal conflict, so I'm hoping you'll assist me without the need for Taeyong or Doyoung to know.”

You decide to remain calm. You breathe deeply through your nose and filter out any of the problems you can see occuring. Jaehyun could help you. “What do you need me to do?”

“Nothing more than you already do for Doyoung. Just… for different people. Ones I'm interested in. They won't be as nice as the ones Doyoung is looking into but they're a lot stupider. They don't want power, they want wealth. Two main desires, money and sex. You think that would be okay for you?”

“And what do I get out of it?”

Jaehyun hums. He has a softness to him that you see past. Under his sweet smile, caring eyes and daring personality he's nothing more than the men he wants to find. The only difference is that he wantspower. He, Johnny and Doyoung all want to be the most powerful. To be in control. To be the new Taeyong.

“I'll pay you double what Doyoung pays you.”

You shake your head. “Money means nothing. I don't want money.”

“Then you have me,” Jaehyun replies. He rests his hand on your thigh and smiles once more. “And not many people get me.”

***

“Lee Jeno,” you say sternly, walking out of the bathroom with narrowed eyes. “We need to talk. Get your ass out here now.”

You wait in the living room for a moment, expecting to hear Jeno come out of his room eventually but you’re instead met with silence. Not the kind of silence that you had expected in your own apartment. You were sure you had heard him come home earlier. How strange.

Deciding to approach his room with caution, you press your fingertips to the door and then your ear to the scratched wood to try and listen in. There’s not a sound that leaves that place, instead it’s just your own heart beating that you can hear. It sends a shiver down your spine.

You know you heard someone come in here earlier. You’re not sure when, maybe an hour ago, but no one had left after that. Walking on the side of caution you decide to text Jungwoo. No. You text Doyoung. You hover over Jungwoo’s contact for a brief moment before changing it to Doyoung’s and texting him that you think someone is in your apartment.

You know you’ll get the hour lecture from Doyoung about how you need to move somewhere else, so you’re surprised when he tells you that he’ll be there in ten minutes and that you should wait in the bathroom. Those ten minutes are longer than anything you’ve ever felt before.

You wanted to ring Doyoung. You’re not sure it will help him, but if anything it would slow him down and you would feel even worse. Each second that goes by makes you worry about everything it could be. From Doyoung’s enemy to a serial killer, all the way to facing Jeno in a situation you would hate.  You only wanted to call Doyoung so that you felt safer. Doyoung would protect you.

You receive a text from Doyoung to tell you that he’s outside just when you think that the silence is sending you to insanity.

“Don’t speak,” Doyoung tells you, pushing through into the room when you open the door. You follow his command, staying at his heel as he walks over to Jeno’s door, the only one that’s actually shut. He looks back to you, and gestures to you to stay behind him

Doyoung opens the door with caution, yet he doesn’t seem to fear a thing. His breathing is even, he doesn’t appear to be fazed. The only thing that she can hear is her own staggered breathing. His silence worries her, too.

“Johnny,” Doyoung states. His body drops, hand on what you presume to be his weapon in his pocket falling. You peek around his arm to see a man sitting on Jeno’s bed with a knife in his hands. “What are you doing here?”

This is the infamous Johnny. He looks like someone you would walk past and be unbothered. He doesn’t look like he fits the role of one of South Korea’s biggest drug lords. He has the face of someone you can trust. An inviting stance that you would have mistaken from generosity and kindness.

Johnny looks straight through Doyoung and meets your gaze. He smiles, much like Jaehyun. “Nice to meet you. I don’t see the need for Doyoung to be here too. This was meant to be a meeting between the two of us. To introduce myself.”

“I don’t trust you,” Doyoung says, “you have a knife.”

“You have a gun, Doyoung. We’re just as bad as each other.”

“What do you want?” you interrupt, noticing the tension between the two of them. Things may have been said, been done and been forgiven. They had a history you didn’t want to know about.

“To introduce myself. I said that, didn’t I?” Johnny stands from the bed and puts the knife down on Jeno’s desk. “I’m sure everyone already talks about me. I’m Johnny. I work with Jeno. I did want to talk to you on your own to discuss matters with Jeno, and yourself. I heard about you and Doyoung’s relationship and wanted to confirm it for myself. Do you call him each time you’re worried someone might kill you? I’m sure Doyoung loves that thought. Does he know that you once dated a member of ACE?”

“ACE?” you ask.

“Of course I know,” Doyoung states. He rolls his eyes. “She was fourteen. Do you think she kept in contact with Kim Sehyoon? And I know you’re about to tell me that she was friends with Park Junhee too. Stick to the drugs, Johnny. You’re much better at it.”

Johnny places his hands in his pockets and begins to look around Jeno’s room. Doyoung glances back to her to check she’s okay. “It’s risky to bring people you don’t know into business like this, Doyoung.”

“I know Eunmi. Do you know Jeno?”

“I know he wouldn’t betray me. Can you say the same?”

“You introduced yourself, so what do you want?” you interrupt again. You move from where you stand behind Doyoung and make you presence known. “I’m sure that business between the two of us isn’t that important. Shouldn’t you be looking to the people going after Jaemin’s family?”

Johnny scoffs. “That isn’t my line of work. But, since you asked, I was here to make you a deal.”

“What deal?” Doyoung questions.

“Not one for you,” Johnny says, “you don’t want to be here, babe. Quit. Leave Korea and never come back. If you do that, I’ll protect Jeno like Doyoung says he will. I don’t want someone who hates us to be working under us all. So quit.”

“No.” Doyoung reaches for his pocket again. “That won’t happen.”

Johnny ignores Doyoung’s answer. He meets your eyes with raised eyebrows, expecting an answer. You say the first thing that comes into your head. “I couldn’t trust you to protect Jeno.”

“But you trust Kim Doyoung? You’re deluded.”

“Leave,” Doyoung tells him, pulling the gun from his pocket and pointing it straight to Johnny. Johnny doesn’t flinch, he barely even moves at the sight of a gun pulled at him. You know Doyoung can and willpull the trigger.

As does Johnny. He slips past Doyoung, obviously unhappy with how the situation turned out for him. That doesn’t stop him from telling you some wise words as he passes by. “You’re smarter than him, don’t forget that.”

***

“I’m Hendrey, this is Xiaojun.”

The two boys ahead of her are both younger than you are, yet have an aura around them so dark that you fear their presence right down to your bones. You ignore it, spurred on by Jaehyun’s presence behind you, giving them your hand to shake. “Nice to meet you both.”

“She’ll will be working with you,” Jaehyun states to the three of them. He places his hand on your shoulder and squeezes it gently. “She knows about what has been happening. She works with Doyoung when she’s not here. She’ll be helping you both out with finding out who’s behind the recent murders.”

“Does Doyoung already know something?” Xiaojun asks.

“He has Taeil working on it. Doesn’t trust me yet with that kind of information. I know that he thinks it may be Bangtan.”

Hendrey hums, placing the throwing knives he had been using onto the ground. “Bangtan? I hadn’t considered Bangtan. I thought it may have been ACE.”

“ACE don’t use knives,” Jaehyun tells them, “I’m trusting the three of you will be able to find some information between you. Chenle, Jisung and Lucas are also on the case. We’ll meet soon to discuss. Carry on what you were doing, we won’t keep you any longer.”

You’d had been invited to Jaehyun’s, for a lack of a better word, headquarters, in order to introduce you to his team. The only ones around at the moment were Hendrey and Xiaojun who weren’t conversationalists at all. They practiced their weapon skills and often didn’t care for what people had to say. You could see why Jaehyun liked them.

The only disadvantage to those two being the only ones around was that you had to now sit and wait with Jaehyun. You dread the thought of having to make more conversation where you didn’t want it, so you’re surprised when Jaehyun sits you down at a table on the level above where they just were which has a beautiful view of the city, and asks if you want anything to drink.

“I don’t have a bar, but I do have some pretty decent soft drinks. Do you like peach water? Morning rice?” Jaehyun asks, pulling a few bottles from his, you’re assuming, fridge. “I guess they’re not all that decent. Sorry. I can order something if you want it.”

You shake her head. “I’m okay right now. I only really drink tea, anyway.”

“Do you want some tea, then? I can make you tea.”

“I’m okay Jaehyun, seriously.” You look away from him and to the panels of glass that show off the city of Seoul so well. They must make a lot of money. “This view is amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever liked Seoul so much. You have great taste in houses.”

Jaehyun smiles at your comment and slips into the seat beside you. He’ll keep it to himself that he purchased a house like this so that one day a girl would say that to him. “I used to live in this small place not too far from Huam Dong. It wasn’t cheap but it wasn’t expensive either. I realised I had all this money and nothing to do with it. I decided to buy here after giving some money to a charity. I felt bad spending it all on myself.”

“You donated to charity?”

“Try not to sound so surprised,” Jaehyun says, “some of us are kind of nice, too. But not all of us. I wanted to have some good karma. At the time we were in the middle of the wars between EXO and Bangtan. I didn’t want all that money to go back to Doyoung, Johnny and Yuta if something happened to me.”

You might have gotten Jaehyun wrong. You don’t like to admit to it, but it seems like you have done.

“Were things that serious during those times? Did you really think you’d die?” you ask.

“They were serious because Johnny sided us with them. Taeyong wanted to remain neutral. Somehow we ended up right in the middle and I was the only one who knew how to load a gun. That was the only reason Taeyong got me more people on my team. There’s lots of people under me, but not anyone as close as the ones you’ll meet. That includes you, too.”

“I’m glad you think so highly of me,” you tell him, “I mean, you barely know me.”

Jaehyun looks down to the table. You wonder if Jungwoo has any information on him. You’re interested. “Not many people would join a group like this for the sake of another person’s wellbeing. That’s pretty selfless. I’ve not met someone who’s that selfless before. You have actual feelings.”

“Can I ask you about Lucas?”

“Are you going to ask me if he’s single?” Jaehyun questions, raising his brow. Apparently, his weak spot is his jealousy too.

“I know he’s friends with Jungwoo. Why don’t you and Doyoung let them see each other?” you correct him, remaining detached from his words. Why did they all think that relationships were all that made people. “Jungwoo wants to see him more often.”

Jaehyun furrows his brows. “I didn’t even know they were friends. Lucas doesn’t talk that much about his private life.”

“Do they know anything about your private life?”

“It’s not something we really talk about.”

“Maybe you all should become friends and talk about stuff like this, for the sake of your team and NCT,” you tell him. You notice the picture that Jaehyun has on the side of them all together. One for all, you guess. “Take my word for it, friendships make things better. If anything ever happened, you’d have to make sure this group stayed together. If you’re not friends like that, it will be hard.”

***

“Did Jaehyun approach you?” Doyoung asks you, casually sitting beside you on the bench at the cafe he'd chosen for you to meet in. “He brought it up in a meeting we had. Said he'd heard good things about you. I told him you’d say no.”

You hum. Doyoung had bought you a white mocha even though you never asked him to, and you were enjoying the sweet taste too much to get annoyed at him. “He spoke to me about working for him.”

“And what did you say?”

“I asked what benefit I would have from it,” you tell Doyoung. He raises his eyebrow, cocking his head to the side. You interrupt him from questioning your intentions. “Are you worried I'll see what it's like to work under someone else and leave you high and dry, Doyoung?”

Doyoung shrugs. “I think it will surprise you how nice I am to work for. Not many other people would let their subordinates sleep in the same bed as them.”

“I'm sure Jaehyun will let me do more than that.”

You resist the smirk from hitting Doyoung’s weak spot. It's not Jaehyun, it's the jealousy. Jaehyun was just conveniently placed to bear the brunt of you making Doyoung regret ever bringing you into this.

Truthfully, you could care less for the both of them. Jaehyun and Doyoung could both be used to help you and Jeno and that's where it ended. Kind of. The sleeping in Doyoung’s bed and other stuff between you both was something less appreciated. Doyoung initiated it. Not you.

“Will you work with him, then?” Doyoung asks you.

“I think it could be advantageous to you,” you replies. You smile at him with a soft expression. “Jaehyun tells me that the benefit to me of working with him is having him. If I establish a relationship with him, I can easily tell you what work he is doing. You'll be a step ahead of him. Pick up on his mistakes before he can. His men aren't as smart as yours. They can kill someone without anyone knowing but they won’t be able to find out all their relatives and take them down too.”

“What are you suggesting?”

You lean back in your chair, bring your hands across your chest. You notice how Doyoung's stare becomes softer when he's intrigued. “I'm suggesting you use me to get a step ahead of Jaehyun and take over his men. Taeyong doesn't care about anyone but NCT. If Jaehyun is a weakness, he won't be kept around.”

“You’re doing this for me?” Doyoung questions.

“To benefit you,” you correct, “Jaehyun can be of help to both of us, don’t you think?”

Doyoung hums. He picks up his bitter, black coffee and sips it slowly. He turns his attention to the scrape on your wrist which you’d gotten from helping Jeno out the other day. He narrows his eyes. “Did Jaehyun do something to you?”

“What do you mean?” you question. Doyoung gestures to your wrist and you frowns. “No, it wasn’t Jaehyun. He’s not like that.”

“When you say things like that it makes me believe that you have attached some kind of emotion to him. Don’t believe that you know what anyone is like.”

“Should I not assume what you’re like then?”

Doyoung hums softly. “Assume that I’m worse than I actually am. You know not to mess with me. I like you having that assumption that I could ruin your life in an hour.”

“Kun could do it in twenty minutes,” you joke, earning another glare. “I can’t assume that you’re that bad when two nights ago you curled into a ball when you were sleeping and when you woke up from your nightmare, you hugged me until you felt better.”

Doyoung shakes his head. His eyes return to your wrist and then move towards to your hand. He stares for a moment, noticing your chipped nail polish and lack of jewellery. You try to pull your hand away from him, but he holds your hand in his own to stop you from escaping his scrutiny.

“I think you’ve had me wrong from the day we met,” Doyoung states. He lets go of your own hand for a moment, taking a ring from his hand and placing it on your left ring finger with a smile. No, a grin. It’s not nice. “I want to benefit you. If I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t have helped Jeno and I wouldn’t have stuck around for you to… still be here.”

You admire the ring for a moment. You’re not sure on your feelings. Are you happy that he put a ring on your finger? Not… entirely. It’s not worth the hassle complaining about it but for some reason it gives you some security as well. Like you are part of Doyoung.

“I’ve never dated anyone before,” Doyoung tells you. He looks down to his hands and sighs. “I don’t want to date anyone. It has too much risk. But you… I want to date you. I want to experience what it’s like to date you.”

You stay quiet. Doyoung is surprised.

“If the situation was different, I would date you. But I can’t. You’re a risk. I can’t have that kind of risk.”

Doyoung would never change his feelings. He’d never have feelings.

You realise you are just an asset after all.

***

Jaehyun watches you from across the table. He’s got the eyes of a wolf, the heart of one too. He cares too much, yet not at all. He can cut a man’s throat but touch you so gently that it’s barely even felt. You don’t know what to do. A liar or baggage?

“As long as we have ties to Yoo Kihyun, we’re fine,” Chenle says. For such a young kid, he’s smart. He can get into any computer he wants and Jisung can ruin it from the inside out. The dream team, Jaehyun calls them. “He runs the show for The Clan. It’s obvious. Hyunwoo is a bit of a pushover. He just looks mean. He doesn’t have anything on his history apart from animal adoption websites. He’s there for legacy, or something. I don’t know.”

Jisung agrees with a nod. “He’s clean, hyung.”

“Then who is it?” Yukhei questions.

“Another group?” Xiaojun suggests, “who stabs people in the back these days? It’s hardly ever effective.”

Jaehyun looks away from you, nodding gently. “You’re right. It’s unlikely to be someone we’ve dealt with before.”

“Does Doyoung know anything about them?” Yukhei asks.

They’re all too interested now.

You consider the consequences of letting your information spread. You won’t earn anything, maybe more from Jaehyun, but you’ll at worst lose Doyoung’s trust. Doyoung couldn’t do this without you, though. You found out more than any of his men did anyway.

“He asked me to look into it the other day. I agree, it’s not anyone we know of. ACE are frequents for a quick death. Bullet in the head, or the neck. I can only attribute it to Bangtan but they’re too weak to have done anything since what happened with EXO. Plus, it was Namjoon who would use a knife. He says he’s not interested in this world anymore. I would believe it’s a new group who are a threat.”

Jisung nods. “Especially to us. They’re quicker than us and impossible to find.”

“And there’s no clues to who it is?” Jaehyun questions, “no calls made, no texts or emails, this is completely quiet and under the radar?”

You and Chenle both nod your heads. Chenle pulls out his phone with a picture of something you can’t quite see. He shows it to Jaehyun who doesn’t look too pleased. “The guy they killed had all the CCTV wiped before the crime even happened. It’s like they installed some kind of software which would delete any information they wanted when they wanted it. The CCTV tapes from all over that part of town were wiped for the whole hour they were in the area. They… they know what they’re doing. It’s not like they killed someone for the fun of it. It was planned.”

“The guy’s name was Choi Minkyu. 37, some investment banker who had tried to get IKON on his side but instead faced redundancy for selling company secrets. He was hanging around IKON for a while, he had tried to get into Vixx before everything happened too. He went off the grid when Lee Hui set his men on him.”

“So it’s more likely that Bobby Kim had something to do with this than Bangtan,” you continue from Hendery, “he has reason to, and resources to as well. He could have easily blacked out all the cameras there without anyone realising. He also has Song Yunhyeong to fix any problems that happen.”

“Though you don’t think it was Bobby himself?” Jaehyun asks.

You shake your head, followed by Hendery who follows suit. He’s the smart one who can put a picture together. That didn’t make him less capable with a weapon in his hands. Xiaojun was just better long distance than he was. You wonder if Hendery has followed the same path you did when researching Minkyu.

“Is one of you going to tell me who you think it is then?”

Hendrey nods at you, allowing you to go first. You run her fingers through your hair to push it back over your head before sighing. “From what I can see, I think that Bobby has hired someone external to take care of his problems.”

“Assassins,” Hendrey continues, “the kind who don’t come cheap but have no loyalties.”

“I think I know where you can get them, too,” you finish.

Jaehyun has a dark look on his face, eyes fixated on you and lips pulled into a straight line. After a moment he looks around the room to the others and then gestures with a nod of his head towards the door that they should leave. They don’t need to be told twice, each of them leaving without another word or a complaint towards him. Hendrey is the last out, shutting the door behind him and leaving you in a room with who could have been your worst nightmare.

But he’s not, Jaehyun came close to a problem or a fear to you but he’s still not Doyoung. You don’t even think that you can compare them on the same level, given the way that they both act towards you and the people that serve them.

Maybe it’s the subtle looks he gives you when you’re walking together. Your hands brushing together, the coats and jumpers he gives you when it’s cold out and a place to stay when you’re scared. It’s impossible to be scared around him, apart from when it’s Doyoung on your trail.

Jaehyun may be a wolf, but Doyoung is a tiger.

“Have you told Doyoung yet?” Jaehyun asks. He places both his hands on the table with some caution. His knuckles are red, scraped and bloody. He doesn’t usually take things into his own hands, so you can’t attribute it to anyone.

“No,” you answer, “he doesn’t see it as a problem to him. They’re looking for people that cause problems and as far as he’s concerned the only name attached to NCT is yours, Johnny’s and Taeyong’s. If he can take it to Taeyong as a matter of security then Taeyong will dote on him and give him whatever he wants.”

“Do you think it’s a matter of security?”

“If Johnny really has taken Sehun in, then yes. I don’t believe everyone would just give up their hatred for him because he’s gone off the grid. Plus, no one really knows what happened to Junmyeon. They could think we took him in, too.”

You regret your choice of we. You don’t want to be involved but you are, too far now. You weren’t a drug runner, you did things for NCT that meant if they were going down so were you. Though you notice how Jaehyun reacts similarly, sighing. You considers it his reaction to the issue of EXO’s extras.

“Why don’t you get Jeno to quit?”

“Quit?” you repeat. You’re caught off guard by his question. You think about it, only briefly, but the answer is simple. “Would you quit? Give this all up because someone asked you to?”

And Jaehyun stops to think too. He doesn’t take his eyes off you, watching each second move past you both with ease, no care for his responsibilities.

If you asked?

“I would.”

a/n: sorry it’s shorter than part one :( I wanted to make this ‘filler’ to get into the proper action and main part of the story. just know jaehyun is actually involved from now on!! much love ~

[cooldominicandreams-blog]

Why I started a blog....

I would imagine that different people have different reasons for starting a blog. Maybe you dream of being a writer and this is your way of achieving that dream. Maybe you want to make money and think this can be a source.  Maybe this is your way of getting your specific knowledge, personality or humor out to the world. Or maybe you just want to share your life with someone, anyone, everyone.  Who knows?  Whatever your reason, go for it!

My purpose for my blog is for me. I want to do something that will be a continuous reminder that my goal in life is happiness and the way to achieve it is a positive attitude. I have had to work for everything I have and everything I am. I'm a big believer in 'The Secret'.  I believe this world operates on energy and you get what you give in life. I believe if you live a positive life that good things will come your way.  I truly believe you (and I) can achieve anything if you believe in yourself, if you want it bad enough and put forth the energy to achieve whatever dream you have. Oh, and you also have to be willing to just do it regardless how many people tell you that you can't.

I guess I should share a little background information so people know how I got to where I am now and my thinking process with decisions moving forward.

I've done a lot of things that people told me "you can't do that"...mostly because they believed that I didn't have the money, they were too risky, too scary or too ...something.  I dislike being told I can't do something.

First off, I should say.....There are a few people you will hear about repeatedly as they are my rocks. My daughter, M, and My boyfriend, W.....and my dogs are X and H.  I want to keep some privacy but maybe I’ll fill in the names later. They are my lifeline, my little family, that keeps me on this earth fighting every day for happiness.  After all, isn't that what we all want...to be happy?!?!

Anyways.....I remember being told many times that I couldn't do something.... like ..... you can't marry him, you're white and he's black but I did.  You can't afford to have a kid right now, but we did.  You can't afford to buy a house, but we did.  10 years of marriage goes by....You can't divorce him because he makes all the money but I did.  Yup, the same people who were not supportive of my marriage were also not supportive of my divorce.  Weird eh?  You can't just leave him the house and start over, but I did and I took my daughter and my dog, Hercules, with me. RIP Hercules. I still miss you!! Some people don't understand that freedom is more important than money when you feel trapped and miserable.  You can't raise your daughter on your own, but I did.  M is going to be 19 years old in a couple of weeks and I gotta say, I am extremely proud of the amazing young woman she is.  

OK...back to the things I supposedly can't do....You can't bungee jump, you can't afford to buy a car, you can't afford to travel, you definitely can't afford to take your daughter to Disney World, you and M can't go zip lining over alligators and crocodiles, you can't afford to swim with dolphins, you can’t ride in a helicopter,  you can't go skydiving, but it all got done.  The recent big one was you can't buy a house by yourself, you don't make enough money, well, it was true....I definitely don't make much money but guess what, in 2016....I still did it!  Where there is a will, there is a way.  I had to move an hour away from the city I loved to a town I don't particularly care for in order to do it but I still bought my house.

M and I have been living in this house since June 2016 and right now, it's for sale. I spent over 3 years renovating and I can now sell this house for more than double what I paid for it.  Thank God!!  Initially, I didn't renovate with the idea to sell in mind, I renovated this house one room at a time with all the things we love. I truly have the bathroom of my dreams. I know that might sound silly but I love my bathroom.  All the fixtures are white, the cabinets are a beautiful modern light colored wood and the walls are raspberry. It has 2 separate wall mount lavatory sinks, one for me and one for M...Why? Well, I don't like to share!  Call me selfish...I don't care. I wanted my own sink to put in my own stuff so I built it.  I have a huuugeee soaker tube, toilet of course, and a separate stand-in shower with a ceiling waterfall rain head, if that wasn't enough, I also installed a heated towel rack (because it's damn cold in Canada in the winter), built in night light and blue tooth.  You can't have a relaxing bubble bath with bright lights and no music.  Now I realize it might sound a bit much but I work for a plumbing company so thankfully, the plumber was also my friend so he helped me and didn't charge me any labor. (To note, I helped him A LOT so he helped me...friends help each other.)  I was able to get fixtures at cost from suppliers so it took a year but my dream bathroom became a reality. Now that I am selling the house...I am going to miss my bathroom....but I'll probably build a similar (or maybe even better one) in my new home...Where I am moving to???    I'll get to that later.

M is in university and looking forward to being on her own and starting her own life.  I think she is really looking forward to the day I don't ask her to sweep, or help with laundry, or complain about any mess.  She wants her own place and her own furniture because she has her own goals and her own dreams for her life.

I realize as this point it may seem like I'm a strong and independent woman...I am.... you have to be when you have very little support ....BUT I also have feelings and people have no problem hurting them.  One family member likes to tell me that I have a heart of stone. Nice eh?  I tend to hear hurtful things often but because I don't react to their cruel words then they assume I have a cold heart.  I don't. I just refuse to give people the satisfaction of knowing they hurt me. I guess that's just being stubborn?!?!  I don't know. In truth, with every 'win' I have achieved, there was a 'battle'.  

I have lost count of how many people have told me that my current decision to move is a huge mistake I will regret.  Some have eventually come around and supported me...or at least, they pretend to....BUT....some have gone so far as to say that I am abandoning my daughter. I can't put into words how much this hurts and offends me because as a single mother, I have put my dreams, my desires and my life on a back shelf for decades because it was more important for me to give M the best I could.  Me...I didn't matter so much because her needs and her wants were always my priority.

I don't think deciding to move now that my daughter is 19 years old is abandonment.  I can't bring anything with me so everything we own will belong to her. She will have a fully furnished apartment and I will pay her rent for the next 2 years or so while she is in university. Plus....On the agreement that she gets her drivers license, I will also give her my car.  I certainly didn't get all this when I started my life on my own.  This move is not something I decided last minute...it's been in the making for over a year.  It will continue to be delayed until my house sells then the priority is to get my daughter settled into her new home, once she is ok, I can think of me. Then I can think of my life.  I can think of moving, buying my new house, maybe even starting a new business.

It's late and I have gone on for what seems like forever so I guess I'll end it here for tonight.

What does M think of me moving?

Why didn’t I mention W in all this?

Where am I moving to?

What about our dogs?

What about work?

What about money?

What about my family?

What about my friends?

Yeah...a lot of unanswered questions but there's always another day.

To be continued............

L

[mrmorningstar-lucifer]

Where Do Stars Go When They Fall, Mr. Morningstar?

A/N: Hey guys, this is my first Lucifer imagine (so keep that in mind). I would love to continue writing these and requests are open if you would like to submit one. I’d love to hear your feedback and let me know if you want a part two :) Enjoy!

~ Lucifer Morningstar x Reader ~

Warnings: Swearing

Word Count: 3,195

Prompt: Your friends dragged you out to Lux, much to your annoyance, and you catch the eye of Lucifer Morningstar, the owner. He takes interest in you and tries to get you into his bed, but you’re more interested in talking to him: specifically about stars and where they go when they fall.

“Jessica, I don’t want to go.” You protested, backing away. “Clubs are horrific. Full of barely dressed people, rubbing against each other - and not in a good way might I add - and it’s all sweaty and hot and disgusting. Oh, not to mention that you have to politely talk to any prick that comes up to you offering to get you the cheapest drink at the bar.”

“Dude…” Jessica laughed.

“I mean couldn’t they at least give you a choice? I’ve never had a guy let me pick a cocktail. It’s like they know the cheapest thing.”

“[Y/N]. Stop. Not to be selfish or anything, but it’s my birthday. I’m 22 today. So it would be great if you could stop complaining about getting free drinks and get your arse away from that wall and put this dress on.”

“Jessica, I came all the way from England for your birthday.”

“Yes. This was part of the deal.” She laughed, dragging me away from the wall that was protecting me from the night ahead. “Hey, American men might let you pick a cocktail.”

“Hmmm… that’s something I can get behind.” You responded. You knew you had to go, even if you didn’t want to. Jessica was your best friend, you owed her this. A good time at the most prestigious club in LA with her best friend by her side. There were of course other girls going, but you had been there from the start. “Alright then, where’s this dress that you said I would look nice in?”

“Gimme a sec.” Jessica said, running into the other room. “I know you wouldn’t normally wear this, even at a party. However, your figure is amazing and this is my birthday so I want you to turn heads.”

“Surely, you’d want to turn heads? Right?”

“[Y/N], I wouldn’t worry about that. Turning heads is my speciality.” She laughed coming back out with the dress.

“Ah, I forgot about that.” You chuckled in response, taking the dress from her hands. “I guess I’ll get ready then.”

The music drowned any chance of conversation out as you stepped into LUX. You already hated it.

“Jessica, I’m wearing this ultra figure-hugging, crimson, short, v-neck dress and I’m still the most clothed here.”

“You’re surprised? Come on, let’s get drinks.” You followed Jessica, as well as the other girls, weaving between people swanning around the club. Drinks sounded like a good idea. “Right, ladies, what would you like?”

“The cheapest thing you have?” You asked, laughing, noticing Jessica snigger too. The bartender nodded, looking you up and down as he did, before laying down a glass of whiskey.

“Whiskey? That’s the cheapest?” You questioned to Jessica, as you grabbed the glass from the bar and smiled at the man behind it. “Normally its knockoff Coca Cola and some £5 vodka.”

“Take it while you can.” Jessica laughed before dragging you away from bar towards the dance floor.

“Wait. Go have fun.” You stopped her. “I’m gonna sit there,” you pointed towards a bar seat, “and finish my drink. I don’t want to get it on your dress when these half-dressed pricks knock it on me.”

“[Y/N], come on.” She pleaded.

“Look, I’ll be five minutes. Chill.” I smiled. “And besides, you’re turning heads.”

Jessica looked behind her, and smiled back at you before joining the rest of the girls, and the men eyeing her up. You retreated back to the bar, sitting on the stool furthest in the corner. You came to the club, that was enough right? You didn’t have to socialise with any one? Didn’t have to dance? Could just sit and drink the night away?

“Fuck, this is horrific.” You whispered to yourself, not that it would matter, you could scream it and still no one would be able to hear you.

“Horrific? That’s a bit harsh don’t you think, Darling?” A sultry voice spoke.

You turned to your right to see a man stood next to you. His eyes bearing down on you, looking you up and down.

“Yes. Look, I don’t want a drink. Honestly, I came here to get away from British men.” You spoke to him, before looking deep into your whiskey glass.

“Not even from the Devil?” He replied, sliding into the seat next you. “Morningstar. Lucifer Morningstar.” He extended his hand and you took it, hesitantly.

“Strange name.” You responded, taking a swig from your glass. “I’m [Y/N].”

“Well, I had no desire to be called that, [Y/N].” Lucifer responded, his dark eyes looking down at you. A smirk forming on his face. He was being flirty and you knew it, and surprisingly you enjoyed it. “Tell me beautiful, what do you desire the most?”

You head turned up to look at him, eyes transfixed on him. He was indeed very attractive. “Does that get you all the girls?”

He looked back at you dumbfounded. “Actually, yes. Just not you it seems.”

You raised your eyebrows at him, turning back to your drink once more. As soon as the liquid burned down your throat for the third time, you truly regretted your choice. Cheap is not always best. Speaking of cheap: the cheap shot sat next to you, Lucifer, was staring at you with a mix of concern and confusion. He snapped out of it as you turned back to look at him. Downing the rest of your whiskey quickly, you stood up before your brain had even registered that you swallowed the drink. You pulled down your dress a little, the crimson colour hugging your small waist. You did look good, you couldn’t deny that, it was just strange feeling so exposed.

“I should go back to my friends.” You smiled at him politely. You did want to stay, how could you turn down a man like that. A man that seemed to be so divinely built with devilishly good-looking features.

“Hold on a minute, Darling.” He reached out grabbing your arm, before standing up himself. “Let me buy you a drink. If my natural charms didn’t work, which trust me is very strange, maybe a cocktail will help.”

“You’re really full of yourself aren’t you, Mr. Morningstar. However, for a cocktail, I’d do anything.”

“Luckily, I know the perfect place to get one.”

“Really?” You smirked. “Wait. Would it happen to be your place? Because if so, I’ve just now decided I’m not interested. I need to stay with friends, even if you are incredibly attractive.”

“Ah, so you do find me attractive. Maybe my charms are working.”

“Oh, that’s just what I say to all the guys who offer me drinks.” You lied, noticing the shock hit his eyes. 

“Interesting. Let me escort you to the bar.”

“Well I suppose that would be okay.” You turned around, heels digging into your ankles. Just a few more hours and you would be able to take them off.

“My, my, my, you are gorgeous aren’t you.”

“Umm, thanks.” You blushed. “So where is this cocktail?” Trying to diffuse the awkwardness of your response. But in hind sight it seemed rude and obnoxious. You glanced over the crowd to see if you could find Jessica. Leaving her without warning was a no, especially on her birthday. You quickly spotted her and made eye contact. As soon as you did she seemed more than happy that you were being whisked off by this gorgeous gentleman, even winking as she saw him move closer to you.

“Right this way.” He led, touching the small of your back with his hands. He clearly didn’t think you comment was rude and the tingle spreading across your back meant you knew the night was just beginning.

“Lucifer, I don’t think we should be doing this.”

“Relax. It’s my place.” He said following you up the stairs.

“You live above the nightclub?” You questioned, stopping in your tracks. “Isn’t that a bit annoying?

“No, it has a good view. Speaking of good views, keep walking.” He smirked, glancing down at you.

Typical. It was a lot more charming than others, but still underneath all of it, he was just a horny, desperate guy.

“Listen, I’m not going to fuck you.” You responded angrily.

“How about now?” He spoke, gazing into your eyes.

You felt a tremor of lust burst through you, tingling throughout your whole body. You’ve had this before with a select few guys but there was something different about this one. Something magical, mystical almost, yet you couldn’t put your finger on it. There was just something addictive about him.

“No. You self-righteous prick.” You scoffed, snapping out of whatever trance he had put over you and storming past him.

“Wait, wait, Darling… Darling.” He halted you in your tracks. “You are an interesting one aren’t you?”

His sultry voice flowing from him like honey. You couldn’t believe how attractive he was. His tall, muscular frame made evident by his figure hugging suit. His hair messed up slightly, his golden brown eyes glinting in the subtle light.

“What do you want from me? Apart from sex?”

“Darling. I don’t want anything from you. I promise. My charms clearly haven’t worked… unfortunately, because you really are a beauty.”

“Dude.” You scoffed, shaking your head.

“Sorry. Let me make you a cocktail.” He replied, placing a hand on your shoulder. “I promise no sex either, unless you change your mind I’m always willing.”

“Good to know.” You said rolling your eyes. “One cocktail, Mr Morningstar. Then I’m going back to my friends.”

“Mr. Morningstar? Oh, stop. You’re getting me all hot and bothered.”

You laughed in response, moving closer to him. “Are you always like this?”

“Yes, Darling.” He replied, moving in just a tiny bit closer.

“I like you. Can’t quite explain why.” You closed the gap slowly, trying to tease him as best you could, just to play him at his own game. It probably wasn’t working, but at least it was fun to try. “Sex on the beach, please.”

“I’m sure I can arrange that.” He spoke, trying to move closer, but you stood back just in time.

“The cocktail, Lucifer.” You smirked.

He scoffed in response before leading you further up the stairs.

“So you’re telling me you own this place?” You asked, sipping on your sex on the beach.

“So you’re more confused about the fact I own this place than the fact I’m the devil?” He laughed, looking at you intently.

“Yes. Come on, you don’t actually think I believe you, do you?” You spoke putting your glass down on the bar that looked almost exactly like the one below you in LUX. You were surprised to say the least that the owner of the most prestigious club in LA had taken a shine to you, let alone taken you up to his penthouse apartment.

“Well, the name’s Lucifer. Morningstar. Lucifer Morningstar, Darling. I couldn’t make it any clearer.” He sighed, causing you to smirk.

“Sorry,” You replied, reaching over the bar to touch his hand with your fingertips. “I’m just not the religious type.”

“Even more reason to do it with the Devi.” He spoke, looking at your hand on his.

He was charming. Incredibly charming. But unfortunately, you weren’t that into nutcases that thought they were the Devil. 

“Mhm.” You sipped your drink again.

“I really have no power over you, do I?” He leaned forward, wrapping his eyes in yours. “Tell me, what’s your desire?”

“Lucifer, you already asked me that. My desire is for you to take me outside to see the view and so I can ask you a very important question.” You smiled, touching the tip of his nose with your fingertip. 

His smirk grew as you made your way outside, pulling open the glass panelled doors. 

“Ahhh...” You breathed in as the breeze blew into your face. “Nothing like LA smog.”

“Couldn’t agree more.” He turned to you as you looked out over the balcony. “So what’s this important question you have for me?”

You smiled at him, before sitting down on the closest seat. He eyed you up for a few seconds before joining you. 

“Has a girl ever said no to you?” You questioned.

“Oh. Well, Darling. No. You’re the first.” He raised his eyebrows, his eyes gleaming in the subtle balcony light. “Remarkable really, I don’t quite understand how you could decline me.”

“Lucifer, you’re the Devil... apparently.” You laughed. 

“Yes, but as the Devil I have certain charms.” 

“Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist? To you know, get over this strange metaphor?” You asked seriously.

“As a matter of fact, I do see a therapist. Even she can’t resist my charms.”

“Wow!” You laughed, shaking your head. “You’re sleeping with your therapist. That’s so incredibly immoral, but good on you, I’m impressed.”

“Now let me ask you something, [Y/N].” Lucifer spoke, shifting closer towards you, before he was directly next to you. “Have you ever said yes to a guy?” 

“Oh. Ummm...” You stuttered. “Well, I say yes to their drinks... but yes to the person? Maybe back in 11th grade.”

“Looks like someone needs to loosen up.” He smirked.

“No, I’m fine. Thank you, Lucifer.” You rolled your eyes. “I think I just need a chat, instead of some dick. Dick is everywhere, good chats are hard to come by.”

“Quite right. Men are horrible, aren’t they?” He spoke, bringing his glass of whiskey to his mouth.

“I’ll cheers to that.” You giggled, clashing your glass into his. “Shit, sorry.”

“Really, darling! This is a designer suit.” He spoke, trying to dab away the whiskey that had fallen onto him after you pushed your glass to his.

“Oooh, I’ve never had a rich guy go after me.” You laughed, handing him a tissue from your bag.

There was a moment of silence as you watched him try to erase any trace of whiskey from his shirt and blazer. Surprisingly, he was actually quite nice. Admittedly, he had only wanted you for sex before, but now, he seemed genuinely interested in just talking to you. Which was something completely new to you.

“Okay, so let me get this straight.” You proclaimed. “You’re the Devil? Like the whole fallen angel, got on Daddy’s bad side, kinda thing?”

“Sure, it was more that my father kicked me out of heaven and sent me to reign over hell... but I suppose ‘got on Daddy’s bad side’ works too.”

“So you must have serious Daddy issues then?” You joked, watching his shocked face.

“Very funny.”

“Wait, so you were in heaven for a bit then?” You quizzed, leaning closer to him.

“Yes, up until He got bored of me.” 

“Thank God!” You shouted. “Sorry. Too soon?” You whispered, noticing him glare at you as soon as you said ‘God’. “I just wanted to know something.”

“Go on.” He leaned in closer to you.

“Where do stars go? You know when they fall? I’ve always wanted to know.”

“Fallen angels wasn’t really my area. Well, until I became one.”

“So stars are angels?”

“No. You have normal stars, and then fallen angels. The ones that you see glide through the air, and fall: those are the fallen angels.” He looked down at the floor. 

Shit, [Y/N]. A decent guy actually wants to talk to you and you upset him by talking about his, however fake, family problems. 

“I always thought falling stars were the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I also used to wish on them.” You smiled sweetly, moving his chin up to face you. “So, Lucifer, there was someone who saw you fall, and thought you were the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen, and wished they deepest desire when they saw you fall, and you made them come true.”

He smiled, flicking his eyes between yours and your lips. “Just think of that Lucifer when you think of how much of a dick your Dad was. He sounds like a dick.”

“He is.” He laughed.

You could feel the space between you close up. You wanted to kiss him. Badly. You could tell he wanted to kiss you too. This was the first guy. The first guy you had ever wanted to kiss after just meeting them. Maybe he was the Devil, maybe he had a magic trance over you. You both leaned in closer but before anything could happen, your phone rang loudly.

“Shit.” You sighed, grabbing your purse.

“Disappointed, Darling?” He smirked.

“A little.” You whispered through the noise as you took your phone out your purse. Jessica. 

J: “Hey? You okay?”    - Yeah, I’m fine. I’m still with the guy.

J: “The hot one that I saw you walking away with?”   - Yeah, the hot one.

J: “Anything happen?”   - No. But that’s probably for the best anyway. I’m sorry I took off.

J: “Oh, don’t worry about it. I did too.”   - Hahha good. Look, I’ll come back down now.

J: “Down? Don’t you mean back?”   - No, I mean down. Turns out the super hot guy I was walking away with... he’s the owner of LUX.

J: “Shittttt. Good for you girl. Make sure you get us more free passes.”   - I will, Jessica. See you in five minutes!!

“Lucifer, I’ve got to go now.” You spoke, turning your phone off and stuffing it away.

“Don’t you mean ‘super hot guy’?” He laughed, standing up at the same time as you.

“Yes, super hot guy works too.” You smiled, walking towards the inside of his penthouse. “Thank you for the drink, and the chat.”

“Wait, [Y/N]!” He shouted, running behind you and grabbing your wrist. “Don’t go.”

“I have to.” You smiled, looking down at your wrist gripped by his hand.

“Right.” He spoke, abruptly letting go of you. “Sorry. I just liked the chat.”

“We didn’t talk about much.” You giggled.

“Well, what we did talk about, I enjoyed.” He put his hands in his pockets. “And besides, we’ll have to change that. Come back tomorrow night, I’ll take you out to dinner. Wear a dress, it’ll be fancy.”

“Lucifer, you don’t have to.”

“I know. I want to, Darling.”

You grinned. Probably the biggest smile you had ever made. Something about him made you comfortable and happy. It was like you had been friends for ages. It didn’t seem weird talking about stars, or daddy issues for that matter, ten minutes after you had met each other. You liked him. There was something special about him.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Till tomorrow.” The smile on his face widened.

You reached closer to his face, delicately pecking a small kiss on his check, before smiling at him once more. He seemed more shocked than anything.

“Are you trying to get in my pants?” He asked, clearly joking.

You winked and begun laughing as you walked away from him.

“Till tomorrow.” He shouted to you, as you the elevator to the main area of LUX opened up before you and you stepped in.

“Till tomorrow.” You grinned as you watched the doors close in front of you, hiding Lucifer Morningstar from your view.

That was it! Let me know if you would like a part two as that is something I can definitely write. Also if you want to be added to my Lucifer Taglist let me know :) Feedback is appreciated. 

[marshmallowgoop]

I can’t think of anyone else who does this kind of year-in-review compilation for writing, but I put one together for 2017 and would like to continue to do so. It’s just nice to get a sense of what I’ve accomplished in 12 months, especially when I feel that I haven’t accomplished much of anything.

Unlike last year, though, I’m including all kinds of writing I’ve done this time around. My non-fiction work is important to me, too.

Mental health talk and text versions of these snippets under the cut.

To cut right to the chase, 2018 was rough. No matter all my flowery pep talks trying to be positive and uplifting, my feelings of inadequacy skyrocketed. I drenched myself in my own self-depreciating “humor,” and I ridiculed my hopes and dreams. Every time I felt my work was poorly received, I’d tell myself, “Well, what did you think would happen? That people would actually like what you do?”

But I never wanted to stop “keeping on.” I wanted to continue what I loved no matter what, and I threw myself into my writing. There would be days where I wouldn’t eat or do anything else until I’d finished an essay. I spent practically the entire month of November sleeping on my couch because I never wanted to “go to bed” until I had written more, posted more, done more. My head became filled with a constant mantra of, “You’ll never be enough.”

And I wanted to prove myself wrong. I wanted to be something—even if that something was just being happy with myself. But all the proclamations that I’m “getting better!” and “improving so much!” never did much for my confidence. What good is progress, after all, if I still feel like I’m nowhere?

Still, I tried to be productive about my failure. So I wasn’t satisfied with what I was doing. What could I do to be satisfied? I took different approaches to my content. I asked for advice, opinions. But that feeling of being nothing remained.

And yet, I’d always say things like, “I’m okay. I’m just frustrated.” Or, “I felt better after I binged some Netflix, haha.” I wanted to be helpful, inspiring. I wanted to tell people that it’s hard, but it gets better. I wanted to come off as the happy person I so wish to be, and I felt guilty every time I revealed any of my insecurities. Nobody wants to hear that stuff. Everyone suffers. I’m not special.

So maybe that’s why I feel it’s important to say now that I’m not okay. I’m hurting. I’m in pain. There are times I hate myself so much that I can think of nothing but how I’m ugly both inside and out, that I’m selfish, ungrateful, a total bitch.

And I want to be better! Of course I do. And I want to continue to work to be better.

But right now? I’m not okay. And running away from that fact and trying to hide it won’t help me or anyone else.

It was a rough year. I feel I made a total fool of myself more times than I would care to admit. But I also created a lot of art. I shared a lot of art with the world.

And you know what? I am proud of myself. I did impact people with what I did. I answered over 100 asks! I added more than 17 pages to my “replies” tag! I’m not nothing, and I need to stop treating myself like I am!

On to a better, healthier 2019!

Texts

January

Yes, DARLING goes way further than I’m comfortable with, but in doing so, and in doing so seriously, it tells the viewer in no indirect terms that the relationship between Hiro and Zero Two isn’t a joke. This ain’t another Ryuko and Senketsu, where all the blatantly suggestive themes between a human and a non-human are easily neglected and there’s the insistence that the relationship is akin to that of a child and their parental figure (yuck), because unlike Ryuko and Senketsu, there is 1,000% the sense that this series intends for its leads to be like that. There’s practically no other way around it. Just look at the title.

DARLING also doesn’t seem to be following in the footsteps of a run-of-the-mill monster movie, either, where a relationship between a human and a non-human is treated as something terrifying. There have only been two episodes so far, but I would say that there is something genuine in the relationship between Hiro and Zero Two already.

February

So, I don’t have a “bad” section this week. While DARLING might have tonal problems as a whole, as far as “Your Thorn, My Badge” is concerned, there’s little to complain about. The episode is serious, and it stays serious. For the first time ever, there’s a distinct lack of gratuitous fanservice, and other issues that plague the show are also wonderfully absent. No awful cockpit set-up can be seen here, abuse from a woman isn’t depicted as funny, quirky, and cute, and what’s unsettling is portrayed as unsettling.

March

Senketsu’s story—intentionally or not—has easy parallels to stories of marginalization and “otherness.” Like Akira Fudo of Devilman, Senketsu has the body of a “monster” but the heart of a human, and consequently, he can’t fit well in either world. No matter how silly Kill la Kill is, there’s something incredibly worthwhile in a narrative where someone who feels worthless and as though they don’t belong anywhere finds love and comes to understand that they matter. The fact that Senketsu’s story gets so neglected is beyond disappointing for exactly this reason.

But the erasure is also disappointing because Senketsu’s story is plain good. Throwing out everything I just wrote, isn’t it sweet, for a girl to decide that she cares more for a kind, compassionate person than what anyone thinks of her for being with him? Isn’t it heartwarming, that she would push herself to be as strong as she can be to return him to full health when he’s injured? Isn’t it worthy of praise, that there’s the depiction of a relationship built on communication and respect between the two, without either of them unhealthily idolizing the other even though they are both among each other’s first friends, and where they openly discuss their thoughts and feelings and concerns together? Isn’t this all something to be celebrated?

April

To make matters worse, the almost-final version of the script (as included in The Complete Script Book) doesn’t even include that tiny moment of Ryuko’s grief in the end at all! To quote:

街(数ケ月後)

可愛い服を着てマコとデートしている流子。ソフトクリームを買おうとショップによる。そこにもう一人の手が伸びる。買っているのは皐月。彼女も私服だ。驚く流子とマコ。はにかむ皐月。三人、笑いあう。その姿は屈託のない１０代の少女だった。

Incredibly rough translation:

City (a few months later)

Mako wears cute clothes on her date with Ryuko. The two go to buy soft-serve ice cream. Another person’s hand extends, and it’s revealed that Satsuki is buying the ice cream for them. She’s wearing normal clothes, and Ryuko and Mako are amazed. Satsuki is shy. The three laugh together. It is the image of carefree teenage girls.

May

Of course, as I’ve said before, I do think it’s important to talk seriously about media, because media is important. Media constantly impacts and influences us. #TheDiscourse definitely has a place.

But the goal of these kinds of discussions should be to improve. We should strive for better and more inclusive media. We should strive for better and more inclusive fandom. When #TheDiscourse instead becomes more about who’s the most morally superior and who’s the most garbage, it’s failing at this goal. Instead of being about bettering our art, #TheDiscourse seems to, more often than not, be about bullying other people under the guise of righteousness. And it’s utterly repugnant.

June

But what bothers me most about the argument isn’t really the argument itself. What irks me more than anything else is how this widely held belief emphasizes a disheartening trend: whenever something as popular as Kill la Kill comes along, there’s perhaps an eagerness to accept some of the most negative interpretations possible, almost as if there’s a desire for something awful.

And, sure. Maybe I’m just “reacting in shock and horror” to interpretations that are separate from my own. It’s not like there’s anything inherently wrong with a negative view of a work. It’s not like any of my more positive readings are “more correct.” I can’t claim to “get” a piece of art more than anyone else does.

But I can’t help it. I wish things were different. I wish negative interpretations weren’t seen as “more valid” simply because they’re negative. I wish more people weren’t afraid to disagree with popular negative interpretations for fear of sounding like they’re “reacting in shock and horror,” as though there’s really something so wrong about being passionate about art and finding a negative interpretation of art to actually be negative in itself. I wish for more nuance. I wish for more discussion. 

July

I mean, just imagine this. You’re fighting a battle whose outcome will literally decide whether or not your entire planet explodes into a billion pieces in like two hours. It’s not only your life on the line. Everyone you care about have their lives on the line, too. 

To make matters worse, it ain’t going well for your side. You’ve been rendered basically immobile by a cheap attack from these world-destroying baddies… and so have all your allies. Things are looking pretty grim, to say the least.

And then one of your big-name enemies goes and does it. She laughs at your efforts and taunts you and—get this—she says something that totally insults your OTP.

Now, a normal person would probably not be thinking about OTPs during a fight to save the Earth from turning into confetti. 

A normal person is not Mako Mankanshoku.

August

But I find Grosz’s thesis compelling in regards to Kill la Kill because, in a lot of ways, Ryuko and Senketsu do rather embody typical positions of men and women in fictional stories both East and West… except, the roles are reversed. Ryuko is the unruly, aggressive, and hot-blooded protagonist just as a man often is, and Senketsu exhibits many traits that are traditionally associated with women; he’s sensitive, emotional, and a considerable worrywart. Further, while I find the term “love interest” both degrading and unfitting for Senketsu in a series that Word of God denies any romantic intention for, I have to admit that he fits many of the conventions. In an anime with a cast primarily composed of women, the fact that Senketsu is arguably coded as male makes him, just as the standard heteronormative “love interest,” the most narratively significant character of another gender in the show (for just a few other examples, see Ran from Detective Conan, Sam from Danny Phantom, Katara from Avatar: The Last Airbender, and Tuxedo Mask from Sailor Moon). Whether I’m watching an anime or an American cartoon, I don’t think I’d be too surprised to see a scenario like the one from the end of Kill la Kill’s thirteenth episode, where a man tells a woman that he’s afraid of losing control and needs her to be there for him so that he doesn’t.

September

The official website for Kill la Kill the Game: IF is now up.

As of this writing, the site details gameplay mechanics and other general information regarding the game. There are also short bios and new game-specific artwork provided for the four confirmed playable characters: Ryuko Matoi, Satsuki Kiryuin, Ira Gamagoori, and Uzu Sanageyama. The “Video” section features the trailer from Anime Expo 2018 and the original 30-second commercial (which now has English subtitles available).

The “Top” page also includes a link to the Arc System Works Event Portal Site, where any potential players can download a detailed Play Guide for the game. Additionally, the site provides a schedule for the upcoming showcase of Kill la Kill the Game: IF at Tokyo Game Show 2018:

October

She catches their reflection in the long mirrors that line the gym walls and asks how in the world it all works.

He does not know what she means.

She holds a hand to her hair. The strands are bright and red, leaping into the air like fire.

His voice is a low rumble. The sound fills her as though it is her own.

We are one now, he says. Your skin is my skin, and mine is yours.

The words remind her to once more return to herself.

But when she looks to the glass, she still sees him.

November

Gridman is also quite stunning from a directorial and visual standpoint. As I wrote up some notes for the premiere while waiting for my multiple-hours-delayed Greyhound bus (hey I can’t not recommend that service enough, but those of you who were in full-out cosplay at the station are so much stronger than me), I made sure to mention how much I enjoyed the focus on scenery and environments. A lot of anime will rely heavily on stale shot-reverse-shot conversations in which the characters hardly move, but Gridman mixes things up. When the characters talk, viewers get these wonderful glimpses of their world. Sometimes, you’ll hardly even see the characters at all! This choice feels so fresh and different, and I was particularly taken by how the opening moments of the show are just about entirely background shots.

Takeuchi mentions in the interviews that Gridman director Akira Amemiya is incredibly skilled at what he does, and everything in a cut—from objects to angles to facial expressions—all have meaning. I think I could definitely see that from episode 1, and it’s a real treat. That’s exactly what visual storytelling should be doing.

December

Jiro’s Mubyoshi is neat, but Ryuko’s? It’s sweet as all heck. No matter Houka’s complicated info dump about what she’s doing, the actual scene simply plays out like one of the purest expressions of love. There’s a reason that there’s nudity here, and it’s not for fanservice or titillation. It’s to signify the closeness of Ryuko and Senketsu in this moment—to say that, right here, the two of them are uniting as one.

And it’s beautiful. Intimate. Absolutely heartwarming. Ryuko openly shares a part of herself that even Senketsu hadn’t known before, and he adores it. He loves being with Ryuko so much. He loves her so much.

And Ryuko? Shy, closed-off, keeps-her-distance-even-from-her-family Ryuko? She’s completely unabashed. Senketsu has always paid attention to her pulse and breathing and so on and so forth, and she doesn’t even hesitate to reveal more. This is her sound, and she wants him to listen. She wants him to hear nothing else. She trusts him, fully and completely—and this trust is so breathtakingly powerful that Houka even unzips his hoodie in awe of it.