#the things I am doing to Jason holy fucking shit that poor child

[raeofgayshine]

This fic might fucking kill me but I think it will be worth it because holy fucking shit. Holy fucking shit.

[thefirsthogokage]

OMG

I am watching worst cooks in America.

WOW

Season 6, Episode 1 - SPOILERS

One lady killed her dog with the her awful food. I almost slipped this season because of that.

"Is this an onion or a potato?"

"Does any see the goose fat." Can't find it, thinks GUMMY BEARS will be a good equivalent and make her dish a "showstopper" and show that she is artistic.

Woman is trying to cut the gummy bears.

The male chef: "Christina, do me a favor. I'm a [unintelligible] that-that knife has a sheath on top of it. Right? Take it off. Take the knife guard off. There's a knife underneath that."

Christina: "I was wondering why [unintelligible and laughing] there wasn't a blade."

Female chef, sarcastically, but upbeat: "She's a smarty."

Christina, trying to cut the gummy bear with the WRONG EDGE OF A BREAD KNIFE.

Female chef: "Turn the knife over!"

Male Chef: "Turn your knife around." (x2)

Christina: "For a sharper cut or what?"

Male chef: "You want to cut something with the sharpe end of the knife. That's just my opinion."

Christina: "Ok."

Female chef: "and you wonder how these people get along in life."

MY GOD I AM LESS THAN TEN MINUTES INTO THIS SHOW

David: "I've got a french bulldog. She'll eat her own poo, but she won't eat my own food."

Female Chef: "David's fascination with meatloaf animals is...a bit perplexing."

SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALL CAKE WTF?!

Female chef: "oh look the first thing she has on her board is a bottle of wine."

Oh, the person she's talking about is an art teacher. Some things are making sense now.

Sarah, this woman, proceeds to pretend to be Julia Childs.

Sarah: "I don't really follow directions. I base my cooking time oh how many glasses of wine it might take me - OMG SHE POURED WINE INTO A LADLE AND DRANK IT - to finish a dish. I love cooking with wine!"

Still holding the ladle: "Half the bottle for me. Half the bottle for...sauce?"

Her bench partner, Genique, comes over and gets a sip from the laddle.

Genique, whose cooking is "like the G-spot,": "Wait until I get the gravy-oh I left a piece of paper in there." (It was a piece of plastic)

Jason, right on combining the flavors of applesauce with mashed potatoes...

He is cutting the apple poorly.

Jason: "I think my cooking is very creative. The goal is to make it edible."

Stephanie: oh god, problem child.

I took a break and took a shower. I am at most 15 minutes into this.

Stephanie, sweetie, you do NOT know how to make a fried egg. Then again, I don't either, I just know THAT is not a fried egg.

Aww, the male chef thinks Leo has a nice high step.

Leo: "they took Leo from Rio, but never Rio from Leo." Atta boy Leo!

"My cooking is very very very very bad."

LOOK WE HAVE A SELF-AWARE ONE!

Male Chef: xI swear to God, I have no idea how Anne does this everyday."

So, I the female chef's name is Anne. I think I saw her compete on Guy's Grocery Games. God I love that show.

Male Chef: "This is a very very special place."

He's not digging this job very much.

She not looking forward to tasting their food.

OMG LOOK WHILE YOU'RE CUTTING, MORON! THAT'S EVEN WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT! HOW YOU ALWAYS NEED TO LOOK WHILE YOU'RE CUTTING!

"what kind of oil is Canola?"

What's her name...must rewind...Kristen.

HOLY SHIT HER FAMILY ARE COOKS AND HER DAD IS A CHEF AND OWNS HE'S OWN RESTAURANT! WHERE DID THEY GO SO WRONG?!

Turned out the guy who called the female chef Hon.

Susie who doesn't eat the thing she's cooking, but her husband apparently loves it.

Chef Anne: "microwaving a potato in a plastic bag? That's priceless." Can't remember the girl's name, but she said she learned it from the male chef, who's name is apparently Tyler.

OMG GUMMY BEAR LADY/CHRISTINA WAS TRYING TO MAKE MATZO BALL SOUP?! WITH FUCKING GUMMY BEARS?!

Oh, btw, they are going around and trying these dishes. I don't envy them.

G SHE TURNED THE MEAT INTO ROCKS.

I'm surprised you have any taste buds left too, Chef Tyler.

How is there potential in any of these people?

Oh god, these people are insane.

And now they will be learning to cook.

Ahhhh, they're going to be cooking with aphrodisiacs.

Oh good for baked potato girl, she recognized the dish with French. But she couldn't recognize filet mignon as beef. She thought it was a fish.

Yeesh.

I can't remember who this girl is: Chef Tyler cut the mushroom, and she is genuinely bewildered: "how did you just do that without cutting your thumb off?"

"Because I know where my thumb is."

YIKES.

Ahh, she's "scared to death of knives." My gods.

Chef Tyler is making something more complicated then Chef Anne. Asshole.

And off they go!

Teddy Bear Meatloaf Guy: "I've have no experience with actual food."

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T HOLD A KNIFE AND TRY TO CUT LIKE THAT!

Ahh, Bagged Baked Potato girl is named Courtney (spelling?). I'm not goin. To remover that. I've already forgotten everyone but Christina.

Christina tasted her whatever is was, and dumbed the rest back in in front of the chef. She has to start that bit over.

I need to eat the food I've made, but I'm too shocked by all this.

Drinking lady is drinking again. Her brother is a chef.

WHY AM I WATCHING THIS?!

OMG CHRISTINA TASTED IT AND DUMPED IT BACK IN AGAIN!

I can't do this to myself, omg. Why am I doing this to myself? WHY?!

Courtney is calling the herbs trees. I

I

YOU HAVE NO INTUITION AND THAT'S NOT THE RECIPE!

I might have to stop watching this show.

Oh thank God, they are done cooking.

I hope this turns out to be a happy story, I really do.

OMG SARAH (CRAZY ART TEACHER) COOKED HER MEAT THE BEST! And Chef Tyler was spot on about her focus.

I think Chef Anne's team is doing better that Chef Tyler's team.

Side note: for the fourth time in ... For the fifth time in 3 minutes, I have to get my cat's toy out from under the TV stand.

Oh good! Norman won on Che Anne's team.

CONGRATS TO SARAH TOO!

Aww, the two contestants are holding hands.

Poor Christina. I was hoping she would last longer.

Poor Jason, but he doesn't listen.

Ok. That, was something.

Don't know if I'm going to do the next episode or not.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #396

“every time i leave, you say you won’t be there, & you’re always there”

So, is it gif with a hard G or soft G? I used to say "jif," but now I pronounce it as "gif." If you use libraries, what is the largest overdue fine you’ve ever had? *shrug* Do you ever borrow things other than books from the library? I remember back in the day, they used to offer educational computer games, and I bought a dinosaur one as a kid that I was madly obsessed with. Are there still any movie rental places left where you live? Just Redbox things outside of some stores. Do you ever buy secondhand books (or DVDs, video games, CDs)? Yeah; Ebay is my friend. Or do you prefer them to be brand new? I mean yeah, but it's not a massive deal to me so long the thing is operational or not falling apart. Do you ever write fanfic? Of what? Nah. Do you ever READ fanfic? Of what? Also nah. Do you have a favorite classical composer? No. Have you ever had multicolored/rainbow hair? No, but I would LOVE to. What kind of hats, if any, do you like to wear? I don't wear hats. What is your #1 deal-breaker with friendships? If you're manipulative, byyyyyeeeee~ Who is your favorite character on Bob’s Burgers and why? (If you watch it) I've seen some episodes, but I don't actually watch it. Have you ever had a retro celebrity crush? Like a crush on an “old” celebrity who was most famous a long time ago or is long dead? Audrey Hepburn, for one, is drop-dead GORGEOUS. When you buy/receive new clothes, do you instantly wear them or wash first? It depends on what I bought and where it's from. What’s the weirdest item you’ve seen for sale on Ebay? Idk. Are parents to blame for what their kids do on the Internet? No; kids make their own choices. I do, however, believe the parents should monitor what they do until they reach a certain degree of maturity, as well as the child's history with what they've done on the Internet. Do you use acronyms to remember things? Sometimes. Do you take pills like Tylenol for the littlest aches and pains? No. Only if I'm really in pain will I take Ibuprofen/Advil. Don’t you think Crocs are ugly? Big time. I don't know why they're in vogue now when they used to be so widely hated. When was the last time you went roller skating? Oh, it's been years. Who was your favorite Ninja Turtle? I was never into the franchise. Horror flicks make you: laugh, scream, or squirm? I prefer the ones that make you uneasy. I'm not a big fan of the nasty ones, and I want to feel on edge when I'm watching a horror film, but it's EXTREMELY rare I become legitimately scared. If you could become a doctor, what would you specialize in? Uhhhh. Maybe genetic disorders. What’s the cutest thing a little kid has ever said to/in front of you? I'm sure it was something my niece or nephew said, but I'm unsure of what. They've said many adorable things. Did any characters from TV shows scare you as a kid? Which one(s)? FUCKING KING RAMSES FROM COURAGE THE COWARDLY DOG. FUCK he gave me nightmares. What’s the saddest thing you’ve heard on the news recently? I was very saddened to hear about the giraffe that died giving birth. Do you believe that acupuncture works? I'm not educated enough on this subject. Have you ever been hypnotized? No, and I don't believe it's possible to be. What’s the first food you can smell when you enter the mall? The soft pretzels, omg. That little stand is my favorite part of our local mall. They make DELICIOUS pretzels. What is the worst hurt you’ve ever experienced? Jason leaving. Are huge muscles gross or sexy? Like serious body builders, it's gross to me. I prefer a natural musculature. Have you ever fished and caught something weird? I know I have, but what isn't coming to mind. Do you use an umbrella when it rains? Unless it is absolutely pouring, no. Do you like getting caught in the rain? No. What is the hardest part of cleaning for you? It requires physical exertion and I am INCREDIBLY weak with non-existent stamina. Do you have any fake flowers in your room? No. Do you own any succulents? No. What is your favorite thing about spring? The only thing I like about spring are all the flowers. What is something you find hard to draw? HANDS. UGH. Was it sunny for your senior prom pictures? Sigh. It was a beautiful sunset. I REALLY wish I didn't delete all those pictures from existence. Have you ever seen a double rainbow? I've seen like, a triple rainbow. What’s one thing you want to learn how to make? Your ordinary meals. I really want to be able to cook my own food from scratch. Do you have stomach issues? Maybe TMI, but it's been questioned but not fully examined that I may have IBS. My stomach is very sensitive. When was the last time you apologized and didn’t mean it? I'm not sure. Do you prefer to be the “talker” or the “listener” in a conversation? The listener. What’s a movie that you think everyone should see? Johnny Got His Gun. If you could have any hair color, what color would you want? Either pastel pink or light creamsicle orange. When was the last time you saw your “first love”? February of 2017. Who’s the smartest person you know personally? My best guy friend Girt. What makes them so smart? He's just very intelligent. Book-smart. Are there any bands/artists that get you all emotional? Ozzy. He and his music are so important to me. What’s your favourite aunt or uncle’s first name? Robert. Have you ever done a first aid course? No. What time do you generally wake up in the morning? It varies from like, 6:00-8:30ish. If you could have one superpower, what would it be? Definitely shapeshifting. I'd love to be a druid, man. Do you ever make surveys? If so, are they long or short? No, but I combine them because I don't like surveys that are too short by my standards. When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? Honestly, probably never. I love my current hairstyle, but I most certainly plan on dyeing it maaaany more times. As a child, what was your favorite game to play? I was hooked on the first three Spyro games. I would play 'em over and over. Do any of your siblings have significant others? Do you like them? My older sister is married, and I am NOT a fan of her husband. He's WAY too conservative and bigoted and racist and misogynistic, etc. etc. He's wonderful as a dad, like holy shit he loves his kids, but his beliefs are abhorrent. Dad's daughter is also married, and her husband is awesome. Mom's eldest daughter is also married, and her husband seems cool. My brother has a fiancee that I've never met. Do you believe in the concept of global warming? No fucking shit I do. It's impossible to logically deny, especially as the years go on. When was the last time you took a picture of something? Was it yourself? I took some pictures of this beautiful hydrangea bush outside the TMS office a few days ago. When drinking soda, do you prefer bottles or cans or poured in a glass? Cans, because it stays colder. Do you wear deodorant? Um, yes? If you had a pet pig, what would you name it? Probably something very unoriginal, like Wilbur. Do you like Led Zeppelin? I LOVE "Kashmir." "Stairway to Heaven" was madly important to me, but yeah... I can't listen to it anymore. Like seriously, I haven't in years. Do you like hugs? I do. Have you read the Constitution of the United States of America? Only the Bill of Rights for school. Do you have your own computer or use a family one? I have my own laptop. Do you take out the trash? Sometimes. Is there a calendar in the room you’re in? Outdated meerkat ones. What is your best friend’s name? Sara Jane. :') Have you ever seen a real-life cop chase? Maybe? What is your favorite shape? Circles. Are pigs adorable or dirty? They're precious! And pigs are actually a lot cleaner than people think, if they're not muddy. Anything moldy in your house? Not to my knowledge. Our old house had a serious mold problem, though, which is the primary reason we had to move. Especially with Mom having cancer at the time, she needed to be in the most sterile environment possible. Have you ever been in an earthquake? No. Do you enjoy history? No. Are you watching TV right now? No, but rather GameGrumps on YT. Could you ever be a mortician? True shit, it actually doesn't seem THAT bad. Can you solve a Rubik’s cube? Never seriously tried. How many pets do you have? Just two right now. Are you more close with your mom or dad? My mom. Who is the person that has impacted your life the most? Jason. Or Mom. Have you ever had a pet fish? Yeah. Poor things, they had terrible husbandry. I've learned a hell of a lot from a YouTuber/streamer that is like obsessed with fish about just how misinformed people are on how to take care of various fish. Your goldfish in that little bowl died for a reason, you know. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes. Do you prefer tea or coffee? Both suck. Have you ever vaped? No. How did your parents meet? They were co-workers. What was your first word? "Dada." Have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity? ... I mighta lmao. When was the last time you had Nutella? A long time ago. It reeeeaaaally needs to stay out of my house, because I will eat it straight out of the jar. Name someone with a sexy sounding voice. So I don't know where this was, but Mark was once credited in something as "if chocolate had a voice" and I was like YOU FUCKIN BET YOUR SWEET ASS.

[primeemeraldheiress]

Brönte's Forgotten Child

(You did say to keep it coming) 

Her mother loved Emma. Those first lines were everything she ever wanted to be

“Emma Woodhouse, handsome, clever, and rich, with a comfortable home and a happy disposition... and had lived nearly twenty-one years in the world with very little to distress or vex her.” 

She wanted that.

The life of the socialites. Of Gotham’s beloved children that seemed inhuman for their beauty.

They garbed themselves in riches that she couldn’t attain, couldn’t even afford to dream.

So she tripped.

She tripped hard. 

She disconnected herself from the world and it’s cursed reality and pretended she was Emma Woodhouse being cathered and pampered instead of Catherine Todd laying on her own vomit in her run down little apartment in Crime Alley, new bruised eye from her Mr. Darcy, and her daughter trying to clean her up.

Her daughter.

Her Jane.

Catherine never wanted children.

But just like everything that involved Willis she either had to accept it or get bruised. 

“All my heart is yours, sir: it belongs to you; and with you it would remain, were fate to exile the rest of me from your presence forever.”

Jane Petra Todd was every bit of Sheila and every bit of Willis.

Willful, stubborn, obstinate, tenacious, dangerous, cunning little devil child with a heart too damn soft for this world.

She had come to her as a little girl with a profound scowl and pretty bows in her hair.

Her mother had ran away from a lawsuit after a botched abortion.

Talk about a contraceptive method.

Catherine never wanted children. 

She especially never wanted a girl.

If push ever came to shove (which it did most days with Willis drunk off his ass), she wanted a boy.

A strong, self-sufficient boy.

One she would make sure to raise right, away from the influence of her poisonous father.

Away from Crime Alley.

Away from this Hell.

He would be chivalrous and educated and well read and well spoken. He would be every bit the gentleman that managed to break through Elizabeth’s wall.

She always did like the name Jason.

“You — you strange — you almost unearthly thing! — I love as my own flesh. You — poor and obscure, and small and plain as you are”

Instead she got a Jane.

Soft, brittle, little Jane withe dark hair that fell in curls and bright blue eyes that made the Gotham sky seem dull. 

Catherine never wanted children.

But she loved her Jane. 

“I knew, you would do me good, in some way, at some time;- I saw it in your eyes when I first beheld you”

Catherine always knew she would die with a needle in her arm.

Rehab never worked.

It didn’t matter how many times she tried. 

How many books she read.

What words Elizabeth, or Emma, or Jane, or anyone said to her.

Willis would always show up with a little white powder and once again she was lost.

Jane always forgave her.

Looked after her.

Cleaned her.

Tucked her into bed.

Made sure she drank water.

Soft, brittle, little Jane who cried because kids made fun of her name. Stupid, selfish Catherine who took her into her arms and showed her the miracle that was Jane Austen.

Catherine always knew she would die with a needle in her arm.

She thought everything would be cold and dark.

Instead it was warm and bright.

The image of her sitting on the couch, little Gothamite princess in her arms, reading at loud:

“I desired more...than was within my reach. Who blames me? Many call me discontented. I couldn't help it: the restlessness is in my nature; it agitated me to pain sometimes.”

Daddy dearest died not too long after, a job with Two-Face gone wrong.

She was officially an orphan, and ran away before CPS came for her.

Jane wouldn’t be caught dead in foster care.

She barely survived her family.

She wouldn’t survive another one like that.

She was better off alone anyways. 

Soft, brittle, little Jane died the day she found Catherine overdosed on the bathroom floor.

Feral, menacing, savage Jay was born that same day.

She always did hate her name anyways. 

 “I see at intervals the glance of a curious sort of bird through the close set bars of a cage: a vivid, restless, resolute captive is there; were it but free, it would soar cloud-high.”

These glimpses of who she once was, of the life she left behind haunted her day and night.

Nagging, bugging, exhausting swarm of bees, that never fell silent, not even in her sleep.

Nightmares of mother, and ma.

Dreams of father and pa. 

Ironic that two men so different could be the same.

Violent, and proud with their heads shoved so far up their asses they could never see how they hurt everyone around them….or was it that they didn’t care?

                            “Am I hideous, Jane?

                   “Very, sir: you always were, you know.” 

She always hated her name.

Catherine appeased the hatred for a while, reminding her that Austen was an unbreakable woman. An unstoppable cyclone who wouldn’t budge at the circumstances.

Who wouldn’t budge, who wouldn’t bend, who didn’t just survive but THRIVE. 

Then again, fate always seemed to like to play jokes on her. God (if there was one) always found her pain very amusing.

She wasn’t Jane Austen.

She was Jane Eyre. 

“I desired liberty; for liberty I gasped; for liberty I uttered a prayer; it seemed scattered on the wind then faintly blowing.” 

She was the ghost that haunted Wayne Manor.

The failed Robin. The wayward child. The lost daughter. The absolute scourge of evil.

The cursed mark upon Batman’s perfect record. The problem child of Bruce Wayne.

The fucking blemish upon the family name. 

Her catastrophe etched on the walls of the place she once called home.

Her debacle immortalized in the cave that saw her grow.

Her fucking name forgotten, erased letter by letter and tossed in the air.

She lived now in the attic; Edward Rochester’s best kept secret, and burning shame.

Her screams and cries were ignored as they resonated in the halls. Her calls of justice silenced once for all.

“Something of vengeance I had tasted for the first time; as aromatic wine it seemed, on swallowing, warm and racy: its after-flavour, metallic and corroding, gave me a sensation as if I had been poisoned”

He locked her in the attic, let her memory haunt the place.

He locked her in the attic, let her memory fade.

He locked her in the attic, let her name never be displayed.

He locked her in the attic, let her go fucking insane. 

                      “Remorse is the poison of life.”

Jane always hated her name, Bruce never once called her “Jay”

One more reason to hate him. 

And hate everything he built after her.

The life that blossomed above her grave, flowers nourished by her corpse.

She hated him.

She hated all of them.

She hated Gotham, and her villains, hated her crime and her corruption.

But most of all she hated herself.

She hated her lack-luster hair, and the single white stripe on it, her dead eyes, with green specks bleeding through the blue. Hated her scars, covered by a million tattoos.

She hated herself.

Because despite it all.

She couldn't hate him too. 

“I could not unlove him now, merely because I found that he had ceased to notice me.”

----------------------------------------

Em here:

Excuse me?

Excuse me, where the fuck have you been hiding?!

This god damn knock-my-fucking-socks-off-amazing!

Is there an AO3 account out there I'm missing?! Holy shit!

I need more of your writing, do you hear me? MORE!

[that-winged-rat]

Identity

Identity ~ Part 1

*not my gif*

Summary: Who knew that saving the life of a child, would lead to the death of dozens of people?

No Pairing.

Characters: OC Danielle Saunders, OC Michelle, OC David, a few minor OCs (these are just the characters for this part)

Warnings: Language, slight angst, mentions/descriptions of violence, mentions of  kidnapping,

Word Count: 2.3k

A/N: New series! So I’ve had this idea for a series written down for God knows how long and I decided to actually do it and not put it off anymore. Also, this is the first thing I’ve written which isn’t a reader insert so apologies if it’s a bit meh. So... enjoy! :)

June 5th 1993 ~ Rochester, NY

“Okay, don’t get me wrong, I love you and all... but, Michelle, you can’t read maps for shit,” the man joked while he drove down the quiet road in the dark, his girlfriend sitting in the passenger seat, map resting on her lap.

“Hey!” She exclaimed, playfully hitting his arm. “Well, I am 90% sure that the town is coming up soon,” she said when she turned her attention back to the map.

“So... that means we’re nowhere near the town,” he said, earning a glare from Michelle.

“Hey, David?” She asked and he hummed in response. “Shut up.” He laughed. After a few more miles and a few more jokes from David, the couple still hadn’t come across the town they were seeking.

As they were driving, the headlights caught the outline of a shape, a lump on the side of the road, too large to be a rabbit and too small to be a deer.

“Hey, what is that?” Michelle asked, as she too caught sight of the silhouette.

David averted his eyes for a second. “Probably one of Jason Voorhees’ many victims,” he chuckled.

“No, seriously.”

“Alright, it’s probably roadkill.”

As they drove closer, the shape became clearer, and revealed itself as a person, unconscious on the side of the road. “Holy shit. David, stop the car,” Michelle mumbled.

“What?”

“Stop the car! It’s a fucking person,” she said louder than before.

David chanced a quick look back to the shape to find that his girlfriend was right. “Oh, shit,” he said as he slammed on the brakes, the car skidding to a halt just beyond the body.

The two jumped out of the car as soon as it stopped, rushing to the body, only to find it wasn’t an adult. It was a child. They would’ve said that she was no older than ten at least, but the bruises and dried blood that littered her body made it near impossible to identify her age.

Her long, dark brown and matted hair draped over her shoulders, covered with a vintage gown, stained in red. They looked down to see that her feet were bloody and cut up; she must have been running.

“David, that’s–oh my God, David, that’s a fucking child!” Michelle exclaimed as she started to hyperventilate, for understandable reasons.

“Whoa, okay, just calm down. Take a deep breath,” he said, sucking in the cool night air through his nose and letting it out through his lips, getting Michelle to do the same. “Better?” She nodded, swallowing. “Good. Okay, I’m gonna check her pulse, and then we’re gonna take her to the hospital, alright?”

She nodded again before going to the trunk to fish out a blanket for the mystery girl. Luckily, she found one and brought it back to the girl, wrapping it around her delicately.

“She’s got a pulse, but it’s faint. We need to get her to the hospital. Now,” David concluded. They both decided that it would be better if David was in charge of the map instead of Michelle. They cautiously placed the girl in the backseat of their car, and drove to the nearest hospital.

About fifteen minutes later, they pulled up to the A&E entrance. David picked up the girl while Michelle ran in to give the nurses a summary on what happened. David came not long after, carrying her limp figure into the reception and placed her on a gurney that had already been prepared. The couple anxiously watched as she was whisked away.

“Are you the couple who brought the Jane Doe in?” A doctor asked the two after an hour or so.

They glanced at each other quickly before standing up, holding each others hands. “Yes–yes that’s us,” Michelle replied.

“Well, the good news is she’s stable,” she started, David and Michelle letting a breath of relief escape both of their lips. “She has suffered quite some damage; a few broken bones, some nasty cuts and bruises, blood loss and some internal bleeding. But in time, she’ll be okay.”

David nodded. “What’s the bad news?” He asked. “You said that’s the good news, so what’s the bad?”

“There is no record of her. No birth certificate. No record of any family. Nothing. As far as the world is concerned... this girl doesn’t even exist.”

“So, what does that mean for her? What happens next?” Michelle questioned, furrowing her brows.

“Well, we’ll wait for her to wake up and see if she knows who and where her parents are. If not then she’ll be put in the system, see if anyone’s looking for a foster,” she said.

“Thanks, doc,” David said, the doctor nodded and left. “You hear that? Kids got no parents.”

“Yeah, poor girl.” Michelle looked down at the ground and shook her head slightly.

“Well, what if... y’know, what if we take her in?” David offered, shrugging his shoulders.

She looked into his eyes briefly, before looking away. “David... It’s–it’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just... look, I just don’t think I’m ready for kids yet.” David nodded and Michelle took his hands in hers. “And besides, we’re not even twenty-five yet, we’ve got plenty of time, right?”

“Right.” He smiled and lifted her hand to his mouth, giving it a quick kiss.

“Do you think we should stay?” Michelle offered. “Y’know, make sure she’s alright?”

“Yeah, I think that’s the right thing to do.”

With that, the couple sat back down and waited in the hospital seats, engaging in conversation. They were there for about a half hour when a hoard of doctors and nurses filed into the girl’s room. The couple looked at each other briefly before standing from their seats.

“Hey, what’s going on? Is she okay?” David asked one of the doctors who emerged from the room.

“She’s awake. Disoriented and confused, but she’s okay,” the doctor said, smiling at the two. “Are you two the girl’s family?”

“Uh, no. We’re the people who brought her in. We just wanted to make sure she was okay,” Michelle informed and the doctor nodded.

“Well, good thing you found her when you did. I don’t think she would’ve lasted much longer.” The doctor gave a thankful smile to the couple before he walked away.

Neither of them know why but they still stayed. In a way, they felt as though they had some obligation to stay, like she was their responsibility. They were the ones who found her after all.

“Excuse me.” They looked to see a police officer with a notepad standing patiently in front of them. “Hi, I’m Officer Jeffords. Are you the couple who found the girl?”

“Yeah, that’s us,” David replied.

“Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?”

“Ask away, officer,” Michelle smiled. He took a seat next to them and flipped open his notebook.

---

“Hi there. I’m Officer Owen Kent. I’m going to ask you a few questions about what happened. Is that okay?” He asked, taking a seat in the chair next to the hospital bed. The girl didn’t say anything, but nodded in confirmation.

“Okay. Can you tell me your name, sweetie?” Once again, she said nothing, but this time she shook her head. She furrowed her brows and stared at her hands, which were folded in her lap. “Do you not remember?” He asked gently and she shook her head again.

“That’s okay. The doctors said you might be suffering from some amnesia,” he said and the girl looked at him, confused. “Right, uh, amnesia is just a fancy pancy word for memory loss. People normally get it when they hit their head real hard.”

She nodded again. “Do the memories ever come back?” She asked.

“Sometimes, yeah. It just depends on how hard you hit your head,” he said, tilting his head to the side to look at her. “What’s the last thing you remember, sweetie?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. Waking up in here?” Owen frowned and nodded slowly.

“So you don’t remember where you were before? Or anything about your parents?” She shook her head again. “Okay. That’s fine,” he said, noticing how her eyes were drooping shut. “Alright, I’m gonna let you get some rest. I’ll be outside if you need anything.”

He left the room and joined up with his colleague who was talking to Michelle and David.

“Hey. Does the girl remember anything?” Jeffords asked.

“No. Kid doesn’t even remember her name,” Owen said and looked down to the ground.

“Damn. What about what happened, or any family of hers?”

“Nada. But whatever happened must have been real bad; she said that the last thing she remembered was waking up here.”

Jeffords shook his head slightly. “Well, the couple who brought her in told me where they found her. There’s an old cabin not too far from there.”

“First lead. We gonna check it out?”

“You read my mind.” Jeffords smirked before walking away, Owen following not long after.

“Do you think we should go and see her?” Michelle asked once the officers had left.

“Do you want to?” David retorted.

“I don’t know...” She said.

“We can go if you want to. I mean, we stayed to make sure she’s okay and we know she’s okay.”

She nodded her head. “Yeah, okay. We still gotta find that hotel.”

“Yeah, but this time? I’m taking the map,” he said, laughing. Michelle hit his arm playfully, chuckling a bit herself.

---

The Next Day

“Good morning,” the nurse said cheerily as she stepped into the room. “And how we feeling today?”

“Good. Better,” the girl said quietly, smiling at the nurse. She still had evidence of struggle, but the cuts were healing and the bruises had started to turn a dark purple, a sign of healing.

“Do you remember anything yet?” She asked as she checked the monitors and her vitals. She shook her head and received a reassuring smile. “Not even your name?”

“No,” the girl said sadly, looking down to her lap.

“How about we find you one?” the nurse suggested optimistically. The girl snapped her head up to look at the smiling woman.

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.” She smiled, as did the child. “Yeah, we can look on a website with a list of names,” she said. “I just gotta go and do something, but I’ll be back in a jiffy and then we can have a look, okay?”

“Okay,” she nodded. “Thank you.” The nurse smiled and left the room, coming back not long after, just as she promised.

They looked for about twenty minutes before the girl found a name that tickled her fancy. “That one,” she stated, pointing at the screen of the laptop.

“Danielle,” the nurse said, as if getting used to the name. “It suits you.” She nodded, smiling as the girl did – as Danielle did.

---

“Oh, bed sweet bed.” David sighed as he flopped on the hotel bed. “I am exhausted,” he said, letting his eyes fall shut.

“I know the feeling,” Michelle replied, falling next to her boyfriend. They dropped their bags on the couch when they came in, not bothering to unpack or change out of their clothes.

They were just about to drift into a slumber when a knock sounded at the door, startling both of them. David sighed and got up when Michelle made no move to do so herself.

He opened the door to find a tall, skinny man with scraggy black hair and short stubble, decorating his face. “Can I help you?”

“Where is she? The girl,” he asked, clearly meaning business. His voice was deep and southern, not suiting his scrawny appearance.

“Uh, wha–” David started but stopped himself when he saw the mystery man pull a blade from his jacket. David held his hands up in surrender and backed further into the room as the man stepped forward. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. There’s no need for that, buddy.”

“You’re right, there is no need for this,” he said, flipping the knife in his hand, a smirk tugging at his thin lips. “I could kill you both without breaking a sweat. But where’s the fun in that, eh?”

“Okay, just... let Michelle go. She doesn’t need to be a part of this. I can give you what you want, just please... let her go,” David pleaded. Michelle crept into the room just then, and her eyes widened at the situation as David held his arm out, stopping her from going any further.

He chuckled and put his knife in his pocket, David and Michelle sighing in relief. “What, and let her go running to the authorities while I miss out on the fun of two people? Now why would I want to do that? And even if you could give me what I want... I don’t think you will.”

They both took a step back as his eyes turned a purple of sorts; kind of like a galaxy. His whites, his pupils, there wasn’t a part of his eyes that wasn’t that entrancing colour.

They would’ve taken another step back if they didn’t freeze when his arms were engulfed in a flame. Before either of them could process anything, it was them who were engulfed in heat, screaming until they could no more.

The man smirked as he walked out of the room, leaving the two corpses – or what was left of them – behind. He continued down the long hallway, stepping over the burnt bodies that littered them as he did.

There were four more corpses in the lobby. A small hotel full of death on his hands. But he didn’t care, he had more pressing matters at hand. He casually walked out of the building.

He closed his eyes and looked up to the sky, letting the cool night breeze wash over his face. “I will find you,” he said. “No matter how long it takes... I will find you.”

[definitelynotwaving]

Thinks that I thunk whilst watching Riverdale

stream of consciousness stylez

Kevin finds murder scene whilst at an illicit rendezvous. check

Oh look how diverse we are. Did you know the Lodges speak Spanish? ¿Sabias?

 Does Jugheqd go to Riverdale or not. Why is he there? Oh wait there he goes. Bye honey! 

 I am mad about Kevin cruising the woods. This is not the gay representation we need Cheryl I see you behind K & B

 Awwww Moose is glad he’s big enough to save Midge. Cute SHE BROUGHT HIM A MOOSIE TOY I LOVE IT

Peer mentor at SSH v. different than at Riverdale. I love the heavy handedness of this show.  The JJ. Still doesn’t make Jingle Jangle sound cool. Goolies! They have fences in their “cafetorium” that’s how you know it’s the high school from Lean on Me. 

“Archie going Travis Bickle is my favorite Archie.” Jughead. So pithy.

 Veronica is so scared of her dad. inside voices

Hiram Consuelos you are evil

(commercial break) Why isn’t Grant Gustin the flash in the Justice League movie? Heeeeeeeeey Jason Momoa. Heyyyyyy

 Oh em gee Hermione just told V not to be thirsty. I have died.

 Oh shit A PACKAGE™

 Motivational speech by Archie. Um Reg I wonder if being the neighborhood watch whilst dealing the JJ is a conflict of interest. Dilton Doily MOS DEF has a murder list. Dude! Watchdogs is a way better name than Red Circle

Jugs pretend you don’t know book stuff. Teacher is low key cute

I can has newspaper pls? You can’t say no to him

Kev laying it OUT. He’s right tho. I mean, Betty is right too, Kevin is being a dumbass. But he don’t need her permission.

Cheryl Eleanor Blossom! (I’ve decided that’s her middle name) You wasted a perfectly good opportunity to do a creepy chair turn. I’m disappointed in you.   Cheryl dropping truth bombs

Hahahahahah V gives Archie homework for the dinner. “Learn Spanish and don’t talk about Dumbledore’s Army.”

Oh shit A LETTER™ oh shit oh shit oh shit the heart glasses. Man Grundy was slime

Fred is the adulterer. Reaching. This is Riverdale. There was probably a juicier example of adultery than Fred kissing Hermione when his wife has been gone for a while and Hermione’s man is in jail. Weatherbee probably gets it on with the librarian or something.

Ok he’s THE WOLF. Bloodletting. Jeez.

Alice don’t care about your public safety

Hey don’t write about the Jingle Jangle Juggle

Weatherbee is sticking up for Archie. This gives me uh oh feeling

Sweet Pea is right. But do Popeye and Olive Oyl know he’s in a gang?jajajajajajajajajajajajajajaja “he’s just not that into you”

The farm! Wait this is like, a real thing? They weren’t just going to wander of to A farm, there’s a farm waiting for them?

“I am an unwed mother carrying my cousin’s babies. I am the poster child for sin, Betty.” I just laughed so loud I scared the dog and she fell off the couch

 I like Alice’s casual at home look. She is so gorgeous. I need more info about the farm

Oh Kevin is opening up to Moose. Why is Moose so nice and considerate? This is not the Moose I expected when I started watching this show. I was not prepared for Good Guy Moose. He deserves ALL the Moosie toys. “Guys like us” Well that is horrible advice but also good advice except not when there’s a murderer wolf about

Moose has heart eyes for Kevin

So Hiram Consuelos is deffo evil. Look how scared Hermione is

Betty brought coffee. She’s adorable.

Jingle Jangle

Reckless! I swoon.

DAMMIT TONI Hhahahahahahahah I like her tho Betty isn’t sure tho

Well nobody better talk shit about Hermione to me ever again

Cheryl whatcha doin?

Ethel you dumb. Call a uber. What would Ethel’s sin be?

Why did Betts go home? Stay and get up on your man, girl. does Jug live at school now?

Dam Reg you tryna be in the next Fast & Furious? Fastly and Furiously?

Oh Kevin don’t follow those people we don’t know!

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK ethel! oh good she’s ok. Is reg still on the chase?

Oh Kev :( Oh hey cheryl

Betty! She wants you to respect yourself Kevin!

Oh my poor sweet son Kevin, I want to hold you. Come let me take care of you.

SCHOOL OF LIES. Oh shit Juggie. OH SHIT WTF

meh Fred

Jugs is a lying liarface telling lies out his lying liehole

Toni with that ~subtle~ message. Betty/Toni friendship should happen. Um I hope y’all are paying attention to this message about the cycle of crime in low income areas and how gangs thrive. Y’all might learn something

Ugh Hiram. 

Palomita. I wish he weren’t such a dick because that’s sweet

Hermione you and V need to be sticking together. Don’t do that

Yo Polly is smart dude

Creepy Veronica portrait is creepy. I hope we get to see it’s eyes move.

Hiram knows from evil. 

Hiram knows from terror and fear.

Betty you shouldn’t be wandering around either. Take a fucking uber.

Oh Kev! No! Hey is that Chic? Pls let that be Chic OH MY FUCKING CHEESUS

Oh they got me. Fuck. Lemme catch my breath. Oh this dude sucks. Kevin doesn’t have to do the sex with you, creeper in the dumb hat. Maybe that’s one of Clifford Blossom’s hats. Fuck this douche. Well, don’t. But fuck him.

Hi Dad. Betty had a thing. Well Kev and Betty are over. Gahhhh he’s such a good dad. I wish he weren’t an awful cop.

I hope my son doesn’t feel like his only option is cruising the woods. 

FUCKING PERFECT SONG CHOICE. Whoever scores this show is fantastic. Imma look up who that is. They deserve recognition. You go person!

I love this song

I just want to hug Kevin.

Dilton has a murder list. he carries it with him

Um. Archibald. I don’t think the murderwolf is gonna be scared of your little leather club. jajajajajajajajajajajahahahah Archie honey stop watching Liam Neeson movies. Fuck off with that smirk Hiram. Somebody throw some holy water at him. 

Creepy portrait. 

Next week....

HOLY MURDER NOTE BATMAN he’s doing this for Betty? And he wrote in heiroglyphics to tell her. Is it possible we’ve just mistranslated? 

Archie. No. Put that down. NO. Somebody spray him with the squirt bottle. NO.

[rason-rodd]

Red Hood And The Outlaws: Loyalty (Chapter 9)

[Read the Chapter on AO3] [ Chapter 8 ]

Chapter 9: The Bat, The Bird And The Wolf

[Y/N] hadn’t always been bold. In fact, as a child, before becoming a fighter, she was more of the shy introvert kind that would rather let people tread on her feet instead of fighting back. And everyday she thinks that perhaps if she had never been so weak then she would have made different choices and she would have never become the one she was now. But the past is the past. It cannot be change, no matter what. And God knows how much she had wished to do so. But now, here she was, a hand on a bomb, her eyes on the broad silhouette of the Batman, thinking how worse it could be.

“ I’d shake your hand but …”

He didn’t reply. Instead he glared at her with an uncomfortable silence.

“Freeze!” A voice nearby yelled “Guys it’s the bat! The bat’s he…” The vigilante immediately threw a batarang at the thug who fell unconscious on the ground.                 “ Don’t move. I’ll come back for you”   “Are you all bats dumb or what?”

With an annoyed sigh, she looked at the brake she was still holding tight searching for a way to get away from this mess before someone spots her. “This wasn’t part of the plan”

Not far away, Jason had already entered in action with his two guns loaded with its non-lethal yet quite damaging rubber bullets. Fighting aside Batman, hidden behind some wooden crates, the Red Hood was remembering with certain melancholy the years they used to do that when he was still Robin.

“ This is your way of going places I can’t go?”   “ Everything was fine until you alerted them.”                 “ Doubt it. Considering that your partner in crime is stuck in a van with a bomb.”       “ Partner in crime? I know I’m not the most law-abiding citizen, but a criminal …”     “ Don’t tell me you didn’t take part in the three recent terrible slaughters in crime-infested places owned by Black Mask with her”             “ I did not. Low profile. Your city, your rules. I got the message. Can’t believe you doubt me again” “ I know you have the tendencies to …”               “ … cross the line bla-bla-bla. But hey let’s have this awfully annoying redundant conversation later okay?”            

Red Hood threw some flash-bang grenades at the thugs now all gathered and used the gas released to take them down one by one as they were all coughing, blinded and rendered temporarily deaf by the detonation.   Batman looked at him, feeling some kind of relief and pride as his old Robin was taking care of those criminals with some old moves he had taught him long ago. He eventually entered the smoke to help him.

“Okay [Y/N]. You’ve already defused a bomb once. You can do it again” She whispered to herself following the three colourful wires with her eyes, looking for the device they were connected to. She finally found it hidden behind a seat. 1:54. “Holy shit.”                 She took a deep breath but immediately stopped breathing when she heard some faint cries coming from the back of the van. Slowly and carefully, minding not to take her hand of the brake, she glanced by the tiny window behind her and noticed three young women tied up with gags in their mouth. They were terrified. Tears were streaming down their faces and their almost-naked bodies were shivering with fear and cold.

“Red Hood? Do you copy?”         “Wait.” She heard a punch in her earpiece “Now I’m all yours [Y/N].”                 “ You have 1:25 to come here and open that fucking van.”       “ You want me to free the henchmen now? If I do that before defusing the bomb, you’re screwed!” “ I’m not asking you to free the henchmen. I’m asking you to free the three poor women stuck in that van”

Jason’s eyes widened and he started running towards the van followed closely by Batman. “ I take care of the prisoners. You help your friend” Jason nodded and slammed the door open. “ What are you doing here? Help them first.” “ Batman’s on it. Where’s the bomb?”                 “ Below the seat. Hurry! ”

Using the sharp tip of a batarang, Red Hood ripped the seat open to have a larger view on the mechanism. He started to sweat behind his mask as he saw the countdown running 0:42. 0:41. 0:40. Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock, “Hahahaha heeheehah hoho”. Jason closed briefly his eyes. He was here. He was back in his head. “This is what happens when a little bird flies out of his nest too soon hahaha”. No, not again, not now, not here. “Consider this a life lesson from your uncle Joker” Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock Jason focus damn it! “Not that you’ll be able to apply it in the minute you have left” Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock         “ Red Hood! Red Hood, are you alright?” The voice echoed in his head bringing him back to reality. “ Yeah, yeah, I’m fine” He said a bit out of breath         “ Then diffuse the damn bomb”               He unplugged the green wire carefully but it didn’t stop the clock. On the contrary, it skipped 20 seconds. 0:12 “What?”   “Move!” Jason felt Batman catching him by the shoulder and send him away from the van.                 “ What the fuck? You’re not going to let me here to die, right? Right?” The Dark Knight didn’t respond and instead he took a cryo-capsule from his belt and threw it on the device which froze immediately. 0:02. The bomb was defused.         “ Thank God” [Y/N] sighed relieved that this was finally over though she still took her time to release the brake.

She eventually got out of the van only to be closely followed by Batman, himself followed by Jason.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Batman asked her grabbing her arm with a strength that made her grit her teeth         “None of you god damn business!”       “ You realise that you screwed everything up?” Jason growled at him               “ I screwed things up? Clearly, you were both lucky that I was here otherwise you’ll both be dead by now. And you are going to jail.” He pointed at her threateningly but it was not enough to scare her. “ Oh hell no! I’m not going anywhere with you.”             “ You left a trail of bodies in the entire city and you expect me to let you run free.”   “ You have no proof”     “ I’ll soon have some” He glared at her “But in the meantime you’re still coming with me.” “ I’d like to see you try” Her eyes suddenly turned yellow and a growl escaped her mouth. But the vigilante remained unimpressed. He had seen and faced shapeshifter before. He tried to grab her arm again but this time Jason got between them, standing on Batman’s way with a defying look. “ She’s trying to take down Black Mask, just like I am. She may have killed his henchmen but …” “ My city, my rules Red Hood. Whether they were vigilantes or criminals, no one cross that line without facing justice. You know that.”     “ Yeah, so that explain why Gotham is the city of crime” The girl tried to push Jason aside clearly not appreciating him shielding her from the bat but he didn’t move an inch. Instead he tried to grab her, groping for her as he was still staring at his mentor. “Don’t touch me!” She slapped slightly his hand. “ I’ll handle her, Batman”           “ Not if the analysis reveal who I think she is and they will. And when it’ll happen I’ll come for her and send her straight back to where she should have stayed. I just hope that this day you will return to your senses and won’t stand on my way Red Hood, for your own sake”

[charlesjening]

State of the Profession 2019: We Need to Talk About Accounting’s Big PR Problem

Not sure if anyone’s noticed but the profession is in trouble. You know it’s bad when the most cynical of cynics feels compelled to say yeah, this is kinda actually bad.

Sure, I’ve talked plenty of shit over the years but I’ve also been one of the profession’s biggest cheerleaders, lifting up future CPAs when they’re about to give up on their dreams, supporting ambitious accountants at conferences and lobbying days, even sharing press releases that in the back of my mind I thought were completely stupid but knew deep down had the best of intentions. But now? Now we’re in a really dark time.

I wish I was more into sports, then I could say something relatable like “if the accounting profession were a team, it would be the 1981 [shitty team here]” and Bramwell would commend me for my extensive knowledge of shitty sports teams. Are the Clippers still a joke? The Cleveland Browns? Yeah, I’m terrible at this. Anyway.

Accountants behaving badly

Anyone noticed Bramwell has been writing an “Accountants Behaving Badly” column on the regular for weeks now? WEEKS. Used to be maybe we could scrape one of those together once a month or so, but now every single Monday conference call we have with The Powers That Be, when it comes time for our publisher to ask what Jason is working on for the week, he confidently exclaims “working on Accountants Behaving Badly, should have that done this afternoon!” Well damn.

I pulled up headlines from the last few he’s done, and holy shit. These aren’t just your run-of-the-mill middle-aged accountants embezzling from clients, we’re talking theft, fraud, kiddie porn, even murder. MURDER.

Yorba Linda accountant arrested on suspicion of embezzling $1.8 million from Suzuki of America in Brea

Rensselaer accountant sentenced in child porn case

Phoenix tax preparer sentenced to prison for stealing his clients’ tax refunds

Lansing accountant sentenced to 7 years prison for fraud

Wakefield accountant sentenced to jail, probation for stealing from church

Essex accountant admits fraud against Cats production firm

North Las Vegas murder suspect a UNLV graduate student

EY employee conspires in £76k staff fraud

PwC accountant fired after 1,700 upskirting images

Accountant lied on oath to protect crime gang torturer

I could keep going but we’d be here all day and we still have a lot of ground to cover. You get the point.

I looked back in the archive and it appears it’s worse than I initially suspected. Bramwell has had no shortage of weekly material going all the way back to July, with even more littering the pages of the archive if you go further back than that. What in the hell is going on?

I mean, maybe people are just losing their minds. These are hard times we live in after all. Everyone is all worked into a lather politically and the future seems bleak, and you know, maybe otherwise good, honest accountants just snapped and started stealing and lying and, uh, killing their wives and then sloppily trying to pass it off as suicide.

I want to say these are isolated incidents but damn, in the aggregate, it’s starting to look like accountants around the world have collectively lost their shit.

KPM-God damn they did it again

No discussion about the profession’s PR problem could be had without mentioning the elephant in the room. Not pointing fingers but I just have to say it: KPMG.

Has KPMG had a single positive headline all year? Honestly I have no idea, I’ve been too distracted by all the not positive ones. They’ve had a rough go of it, no doubt. Just when you think their reputation couldn’t get worse (on top of the baseline reputation they’ve always had as the sweaty armpit of the Big 4, that is), something else appears that makes you sigh the sigh of a bitter, alcoholic, old accounting tabloid writer who is sick of this bullshit (I’m projecting here, obvs).

Rather than blockquote the dozens upon dozens of articles we’ve written in the last year or so that simply beat this already dead horse to a pulp, let’s just pull some headlines from the last year, shall we?

SEC Says $50 Million Fine For KPMG Is ‘Significant’ and ‘Appropriate’ For All That Cheating Going On

Survey Finds That Nearly a Third of KPMG Employees Aren’t Surprised by Latest Cheating Scandal

Which KPMG Scandal Is Worse: PCAOB ‘Steal the Exam’ or CPE Training Exam Cheating?

KPMG Australia Partner Pleaded Guilty to Stabbing a Dude with a Corkscrew Outside of a School

Here’s More Proof That KPMG U.K. Totally F*cked Up the Way It Handled Bullying Allegations Against Partner

KPMG Doesn’t Think It Should Have to Pay a $16 Million Fine For Screwing Up BNY Mellon Compliance Reports

Another Day, Another Fine for KPMG

KPMG Just Can’t Stay Out of Trouble

KPMG Mexico Could Be Facing Fine of Up to $1.6 Million For Huge Data Leak Blunder

U.K.’s Audit Regulator Wants to Find Out Exactly Why KPMG Is Such a Hot F*cking Mess

KPMG Appeals One-Year Auditing Suspension In Oman, Loses

Should I keep going? I could keep going. That’s only some of the worst ones going back to March. Of this year. Soooo… seven months. Of course, no discussion of KPMG malfeasance would be complete without including what I think is my favorite headline of the year:

The PCAOB Needs to Just Beat the Sh*t Out of KPMG Already

Alright. So yeah, KPMG has a problem. But bigger than KPMG’s inability to keep its nuts out of the fire is the fact that thanks to the Big 4 oligarchy, every KPMG fuck-up is a fuck-up for the Big 4. The average person doesn’t know nor care that it’s a single firm bogarting all the fuck-ups. All they see when opening up their Wall Street Journal is some accounting firm cheating or failing in their duty to clients or whatever the hell it is KPMG is fucking up this week.

That’s not to say other firms haven’t had their fair share of fuck-ups. Which brings me to my next point.

Our toothless regulator

Those of you who know me know I’ve been an outspoken critic of the PCAOB over the years. At the same time, I can respect some of the work they do in the way I respect about 60% of what is posted in /r/therewasanattempt.

  Back when the PCAOB was formed in the early ’00s, I was but a starry-eyed 21-year-old, and let’s just say I had more important shit to care about back then without turning this already long piece into another tangent about Adrienne’s Poor Choices in Life That Lead Her Here. It would be five whole years until my world would come crashing down and send me spinning into the purgatory of accounting, where it seems I’ve been banished to exist for eternity like some drunken, angry ghost. I digress.

Not sure if you guys heard but the PCAOB is failing in its mission as it quickly approaches its 20th birthday. Damn, has it been that long? Am I that old? Ouch.

Francine McKenna writes via MarketWatch:

The PCAOB board is staying out of the public eye in 2019, in violation of bylaws established by the law that created the PCAOB, the Sarbanes-Oxley Act of 2002. The law requires the PCAOB to hold at least one public meeting of its governing board each calendar quarter. However, the PCAOB board has held no public meetings of its governing board since December 20, 2018.

MarketWatch asked the PCAOB to comment on its apparent lack of compliance with its bylaws regarding open board meetings.

A PCAOB spokeswoman told MarketWatch, “Consistent with long-standing practice, the Board holds open meetings to take action on business such as standard-setting or voting on its budget and strategic plan. We expect to hold two open meetings in the coming months to address our 2020 budget and a proposed concept release related to our quality control standards.”

Not only is the PCAOB getting called out by us pundits circling the profession like hungry vultures waiting to pick the last rotten piece of muscle off a rapidly-decaying corpse (no offense, Francine, you know I love you), the normies are starting to pay attention, too.

In September, the Project on Government Oversight wrote a scathing hit piece on the PCAOB titled How an Agency You’ve Never Heard of Is Leaving the Economy at Risk that I absolutely recommend reading in its entirety.

A federal watchdog you’ve probably never heard of is supposed to be protecting your financial security.

It’s supposed to be policing some of the biggest and most powerful firms in American business.

It’s supposed to reduce the risk that, as a result of fraud, error, or corporate incompetence, your financial future goes poof.

Indirectly, it’s supposed to help safeguard any savings you’ve stashed in the stock market, any stake you have in a pension or retirement fund, and maybe even your paycheck and employment benefits.

It’s supposed to help avert man-made disasters like the financial crisis and mortgage-meltdown of a decade ago; the accounting scandals that destroyed a long list of corporations such as Enron and WorldCom almost two decades ago; and the savings and loan crisis that consumed mountains of taxpayer money in the 1980s and ‘90s—the kind of catastrophes that can cripple your community, crater the economy, or collapse the financial system.

But in key respects it’s been doing a feeble job.

That goes on for, well, let’s just say it’s a long read. Read it. All that to say, everyone’s getting called out now. Remember the good old days when mainly all we had were low blows for Grant Thornton and McGladrey cracks? Yeah, that time is over.

Meanwhile, in Canada

So we’ve established that the profession has a PR problem and that’s all well and good, but at this point, I’m not entirely sure even Don Draper could turn this dead horse into dog food.

On September 11, I wrote an article about CPA Canada’s new advertising campaign, the goal of which I believe was to make CPAs “cool” although who the hell knows with these things sometimes. Yeah, I guess that was it.

In its ongoing effort to smash the green eyeshade stereotype and convince the public that CPAs do more than just annoy their clients and vague tax-like things civvies will never understand, CPA Canada hired advertising agency DentsuBos to develop a new campaign with the lofty goal “to portray CPAs in a modern light.”

The “new face” campaign comes on the heels of last year’s “boring CPA” campaign, also developed with DentsuBos, which ran a cool $5 million. Personally I prefer the AICPA campaign in which a small business owner literally gets his ass beat until a CPA appears to rescue him but whatever.

Just nine days later, Canadians across their fine country opened up their Financial Post to read all about how CPA Canada absolutely fucked up the Common Final Examination, which for my fellow ignorant Yanks who might be wondering, is their version of the CPA exam essentially. Abject failure, slapped all over the national news. Embarrassing.

So what now?

This article is already way too long and since no one is around to edit the shit out of me I could probably make it even longer, but let’s not turn this beating into a massacre, K? Point has been made.

So I have to ask: What is the solution? For all this talk of public trust and ethics, the profession is wobbling unsteadily at a pretty crucial crossroads and in desperate need of a come-to-Jesus moment. All it’s gonna take is one more big scandal to topple the whole thing, and at this rate, we should see that, I dunno, next week sometime?

I dunno about y’all but I’m getting tired of getting all worked up over the potential for some big blow-up only to be disappointed when literally nothing happens. To be frank, I’ve had doom and gloom blue balls since 2008 still waiting for the economy to fully bottom out and that never happened, so let’s just say I’m not too hopeful even Enron II will have much of an impact at this point when not if it happens. Sure, there will be a few salacious headlines and maybe we’ll get another toothless agency out of it but will anything really change? From the depths of my cold black heart I’m inclined to say nah.

I guess all we can do is wait, see, and hope middle-aged bookkeepers would stop robbing their employers blind.

The post State of the Profession 2019: We Need to Talk About Accounting’s Big PR Problem appeared first on Going Concern.

republished from Going Concern

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #264

I did tell y’all WoW would devour my life again when I got my laptop back lmao. But I’m still alive!!

When you wake up to pee at night, do you turn on the light? You mean like, in the bathroom? Uh, yeah? When was the last time you got a fresh box of crayons? Damn dude, I don't have a clue. What color is your favorite towel? I don't have a favorite. They're all just random colors. Do you know anyone’s phone number by heart? Actually no, not since Mom got a new phone. I really need to learn it. Do you wear hoodies? Yeah, one Pikachu one. Something your mother said or did that shocked you: We were arguing and she tried to kick me out of the car once. Obviously I didn't listen. It was one of our worst arguments. How many different homes have you live in?We're in our fourth house now. WELL there's another if you count the apartment, but I didn't officially live there, I was just... always there even though it was against policy lmao. Then when we were technically homeless I "lived" with my former best friend, but again, that was not an official thing. Did your mom go to college? She is, though cancer has thrown a wrench in the plan... She's on her final semester of a bachelor's degree in social work. With cancer now plus this wild quarantine, we don't really know what's going on. Where is the best place you know to take a dog for a walk? We have a park maybe like 15 minutes from here that's pretty decent. Nice fountain, fishing docks, plenty of ducks. Are there any crazy sandwich combinations you like to eat? It's not "crazy," as I know it's actually tasty to some people: having lunch meat, cheese, mustard, and potato chips. I haven't had that in yeeeaaars. Which food do you think you have the most cans of in your cupboard? Uh. I'm not sure. We usually have fruit, beans, and soup in there, but I'm not sure which there's more of. Do you save fortunes from fortune cookies? No. Are you offended when Christmas is spelled Xmas? No. Do you prefer rugs or bare floors? Rugs. Describe your favorite mug or glass to drink from? I don't really drink from any. Your bad habit that you love the most: Heh, drinking soda... Do you name your pets after tv/movie/book characters: I have before, yes. Had a guinea pig named Harry Potter lol, rats named Tezzeret and Rhoka, and... that may be it. I am not positive, had a lotta pets... Have you ever died in one of your dreams? Yes. Which is tastier: fruity gum or minty gum? Fruity. Be honest, have you ever bullied anybody? Who was it? Oh my god, I was about to say no, but wait. When I first started RP at around 9, I had the impression you were supposed to always be in-character. Me, at the time my account being just "mozart2" (I don't count her as my first RP character though, she turned into Ruby and was drastically changed) on the Animal Planet forum, wanted to be the "dominant female," and one of the girls whose name was like Angelkiss or something was "mean" to me and so I reciprocated until I GOT FUCKING BANNED ON THIS ACCOUNT I'M WRITING THIS AND IT'S SO EMBARRASSING WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH ME I HATE YOUNG ME SO MUCH. What is the cutest Halloween costume for a baby to wear? Idk. Is it a turn-off if somebody’s teeth are stained yellow? Not necessarily. Yellow doesn't mean dirty + everyone is supposed to have some coloration, and I can't say shit anyway 'cuz mine are kinda yellow from poor self-care in the past anyway. I just care that they're clean. Which of your friends is the tallest? Which of them is the shortest? Girt is a damn giant lmao. I only reach his chest. Shortest, I'm unsure. Do you know any quotes from Forrest Gump? Well besides the famous ones, no. HA, fun fact that cracked me the fuck up though, someone in the government in NC that is running for... something, there are sometimes like three signs in a row along the road that say "RUN FORREST, RUN" and I fuckin died the first time I saw it. Do you believe in demonic possession? How about ghosts? Angels? I don't believe in angels or demons, so. Ghosts, yes. Would you rather judge a singing or dancing competition? Why? Dancing, for sure. I'm more educated on the form and techniques, plus it's way more entertaining. What was the mascot at your elementary school? A bulldog. It was super cute, and in art class, the art students all worked together to make colorful, clay models that were in the principal's office. Everyone loved them. Have you ever fallen down in public? Did anybody see you? Yes and yes. Do you scream when you go on rollercoasters? Do you close your eyes? I'll probably never know 'cuz my ass is afraid of them lmao. I get dizzy too easily and I'm terrified of the potential of getting sick. Do you think home-made cards are better than store-bought ones? They're more thoughtful imo. What is one romantic movie that you enjoy enough to watch more than once? The Notebook. Who was the last person to walk out of your life, and why? By their volition, probably a Facebook friend. How did you decide upon your favorite colors? I didn't know you could pick your favorite color. Are you less likely to approach people that look/dress a certain way? Wow no. I mean unless they look obviously dangerous, like if they had blood on them or something like that. What is your favorite Starburst candy flavor? If you say anything but pink, you're wrong. Do you prefer schedules and plans, or spontaneity? Schedules. Sponteneity, usually, stresses me out. How do you let someone know that you like him/her? I mean idk. Act like it or say it. Do you think that you act like yourself while online? I'm more myself online. Have you ever lied about something to get someone to like you? Hell no. I'd want them to like me for who I actually am. Would you rather buy presents for others, or receive them? BUY, so long as I'm happy with what I bought and know it'll make them happy. How did you meet your current best friend? YouTube. The last song/poem/story you wrote - what was it about? I haven't finished it, but I'm writing a poem about the strength of cancer patients following Mom getting her hair shaved off. Are you a mostly blunt person? No, because I'm too afraid of starting an argument. Do you have any talents that come naturally? I guess writing since I've been applauded for it since I was very little. Do you go out often? Even before quarantine, not at all. I go out so little that my eyes seriously hurt when I step outside; I always have to squint or entirely close my eyes for a few seconds. What's the best Valentine's Day gift you've gotten? There was one year Jason got me a really pretty heart box of chocolates plus the game Heavy Rain and a pink rose. May still have a picture of it on my old phone... Is there anyone who is overly nice to you? No. It's hard to be "overly nice" in my opinion. Would you prefer internet or television? Internet. What is something you lose often? I'm not sure. Not a lot. Do you enter a lot of sweepstakes? I never do. How old is your oldest sibling? 30-something. Have you ever considered writing a novel? Yes. Who's the last person you said I love you to? Mom or Sara. What's your stance on spooning? What a question. It's comforting, but I usually can't actually fall asleep like that because I get too hot. Have you ever been "popular?" Nah, not really. Well, I was pretty well-known in the meerkat YouTube community as an editor, but not like, Yelozo level. Has someone ever tried to convert you? Well, I was a Christian when my sister's friend's grandpa made me like, SUPER uncomfortable by talking to me all the way home from school (he had to drive us this day) about the Bible and stuff because it was his "job" as a religious man and I kinda had to take this little Bible from him just to be nice. Even when I was a Christian I wasn't VERY religious and really really felt like he was hardcore shoving his beliefs down my throat. Are you thin? Ha ha no. Do you like big earrings? Heavy/big earrings ruined my ears, so no. The holes are too stretched now and is why I'm putting very small gauges in so it doesn't look as stupid when I put an earring in and it just barely hangs on because my ear lobe literally looks like it could tear. Animated character that was your gay awakening? HA, there's been a few that looking back, I definitely thought were more than pretty, even as a kid, like Sheego from Kim Possible. But #1? Holy mother of fuck, Bayonetta. That is one fuckin HOT MAMA. What show/YouTube video(s) do you put on in the background when you don’t have anything to watch but you want something on? Hmm. It really does depend on what I feel like semi-watching. Maybe like, a let's play where I'm not THAT interested in the game, but I still do listen and glance over. Your go-to bar order, if you drink? I've never been to a bar, but when I go out to eat and I feel like getting a drink, it's usually a margarita. What’s your favorite pair of shoes that you own? UGGGGHHHHH my tall leather boots with all these buckles and stuff. They're hot. What was your first word as a child (that wasn’t a variation of “Mom” or “Dad”)? I don’t know. What’s a job that you’ve had that people might be surprised to find out you’ve had? Nothing that's really "surprising." Just three ordinary minimum wage jobs. What’s directly across from you? My snake's terrarium. Do you own any signed books/memorabilia in general? No. ;-; I wish. What do you get on your bagels? What WOULD you get if you had access to anything you wanted? I've only ever had cream cheese. NO WAIT, I tried jam once and it was fucking repulsive. One bite and I was like "fuck no." I think it was strawberry jam though, which I hate. I'm not sure what else I'd try as idk what would taste good. Fruity or herbal teas? Neither. What’s that one TV show that you’re a little bit embarrassed to watch but you still like nonetheless? None. It's funny, as a kid when I thought I was "too old," I tried to hide the fact I still adored Pokemon, but for years now I've just been like "lol fuck yeah man Pokemon." What was your “phase” when you were younger? (i.e., Mythology Nerd, Horse Girl, Space Geek, etc) Being an emo/goth/metalhead thing was NEVER a phase, Mom. Goddamn do I wish I could afford a gothic wardrobe laksjdfawde. What’s that one outfit in your closet you never get the chance to wear but want to? There's no telling. I rarely check my closet for "special" clothes, but rather my dresser. Where do you sit in the living room (we all have a preferred spot, and you know it)? The couch. Are you a “Quote that relates to the photos” caption-er, an “explanation of where I took the photos” caption-er, or a no caption kinda person when you post pictures online? I'm all of them, plus sometimes song lyrics I find relevant lmao leave me alone. Name a classic Vine: YO that one of the dude looking for his berries with a WILD outfit, expression, and voice and then scares adventurers away from his tree made me fuckin cry for about 1,000 repeats. I miss Vine, man, good shit. What’s the freezer food that you stock up on when you go to the grocery store? We don't really "stock up" on any particular food. We do, however, tend to get a large box of frozen rats for Venus, if you can count that, but obviously that's not from the grocery store lol. How do you top your ice cream? Chocolate syrup mmmMMMMMMMMMMM Do you like Jello? Yeah. Do you have a fear, even only a slight fear of insects? I do. Do you have a favorite poem you like and can recall? If so, what is it? I don't have a favorite, no. Have you ever resided in a home that was haunted: *shrugs* I do think paranormal things happened in my last house, but idk about calling it haunted. Do you ever play any MMORPGS: Just WoW. What’s the closest river to you? Tar River. Have you ever been in a building with over 100 floors? I don't think so. What bird is the cutest? Oh, I don't know. Something small and pudgy lol. Are you scared to look at your own organs on x-ray or ultrasound? No, that shit is so cool. Have you ever held a real sword? No. What do you think about most? PTSD is v fun. My brain naturally drifts to relating topics when I don't know what to think about, which is most of the time. Certainly don't try to, but it just. Happens. Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? Hell man, idk. I do have a weakness for Kellin Quin though; he's the first to come to mind. What was the last film you saw in the cinema? The Lion King. What are you currently listening to? "Saturnalia" by Marilyn Manson. How many people have you kissed, that you can HONESTLY say you loved? Two. The last person to be under covers with you? Sara. What's the compliment you get the most? Uhhh I think it's "I like your tattoo" (referring to my Mark one). BITCH just wait til it gets tidied up for four hours. Have you ever disliked someone just because a friend disliked them? If they have good reason to, yes. I can't deeply dislike someone I don't know/have personally seen be a piece of shit, but I can sure not be fond of them until they prove unworthy of that judgment. Have you ever won a lot of money in a slot machine? How much? Never gambled and don't plan to. Do you eat/drink at your computer? Yes, oops. How much do you overeat at special occasions? (Birthdays, Christmas, etc) Actually, I tend to under-eat at most special occasions because odds are I'm not going to like the food. This isn't always the case, but yeah. Do you think it's important to enjoy your job or do you just work for money? I think it's very important to enjoy it. If you had to, which record would you go into Guinness World Records for? Probably the longest consecutive hours of not leaving the computer laksdfjawe I hate myself. Do/Did you enjoy school? Why (not)? From the very beginning, I hated school. It's why I was a goddamn monster to get up in the morning, even in high school. I only enjoyed (to a degree, anyway) my most recent college because it was a way to get out of the house and work towards my future. Do you find it difficult to sleep at night? Any reason(s) why? Boy, do I. Most recently, after being put on a medication for my nightmares/terrors (which works!), I have intense muscle spasms in my legs, oddly only when I'm falling asleep. Apparently it's a very rare side effect of it, but I'm willing to tolerate it in place of having nightly terrors. Then there's my PTSD and just general poor self-image that can both send me down a total spiral. Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender? Why? Not legitimately. Like I've wondered what it would be like, but I've never truly wanted to be a guy. I'm just content with being what comes with being genetically female. Do you think you'd make a good model? Would you ever want to be one? Hell to the fuck no. Have you had an argument with anyone recently? If so, do you still have issues with that person? Not recently, no. Who was the last person that asked to hang out with you? Tell me the story of how you met that person, everything you remember. Hell man, I don't have a clue. Have you ever worn colored mascara? If not, would you ever think about trying it? And if you have, what is/was your favorite color to wear? No, but I guess, if I had a reason to? What do you remember about your first day of secondary school? Were you more nervous or excited about it? I very faintly remember I had no desire to be there. Before Facebook became popular, did you use any other social networking site, like Bebo or Myspace? Yeah, I had Myspace. Has anyone ever asked you out, and you turned them down? If so, did you feel guilty about it? Why do you think you said no? Yes, and not *really*, as I'm very strict with myself about whom I date. It's just awkward. And I just didn't like one guy romantically in elementary, my best male childhood friend was black (mind you I haven't been racist in the least since I was a tiny kid, I was just raised like that), and I knew Juan had a bad rep. Have you ever asked anyone “Do you love me?” If so, did you get the response you wanted? Do you think when someone says “I love you”, you feel obliged to say it back? Ugh. Let's not. I feel obligated only with family. Has someone of the opposite sex ever sang to you? If so, how did you respond to it? LET'S. FUCKIN. NOT. If you’ve had a bad experience in a past relationship, did you find that you were scared to get into another relationship, in case the same thing happened again? Terrified.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #66

“letterman’s got no dirt on me.”

you ever played "call of duty"? did you like it? are you into those types of video games at all?   never played it, not into it. do you like to cook for people, or do you order to be cooked for? has anyone ever told you that you were a good cook?   i don't "order" to be cooked for, mom just cooks anyway as the mother of this household.  i don't really cook for people because i don't know how to make almost anything.  people like my scrambled eggs, though. do you have any clocks in your house that chime when the hour changes? do those types of clocks annoy you?   we do not.  i LOVE those clocks, though. what is your usual hair style? do you tend to wear the same style every day, or do you switch it up a lot?   i have my hair parted far to the left to where it swoops over the right side of my face.  it's always the same.  i'd like to be able to achieve the emo/scene/indie/whatthefuckever swoop on a daily basis, but i can't do it, i think because my hair's too thick or we just have bad hairspray. have you had the same doctor pretty much your whole life, or have you went to a bunch of different ones over the years? have you ever been to the doctor thinking something was horribly wrong with you, but it turned out to be something minor?   i've had two "main" doctors, i think: lynn and now emanuel.  they're both great.  and nah, i've never thought something was THAT wrong. are there any stores you feel uncomfortable going into (ex: if you dress girly, do you feel uncomfortable going into hot topic)? are there any stores that you refuse, or just never go in to?   eh, not really.  the "worst" i can think of is victoria's secret, where i merely feel out of place, because i'm both not girly and fat, and don't even deny it, the majority of their merchandise is aimed at small people.  so.  i feel at least mildly weird in there. do you look in mirrors a lot, or do you try to avoid them? how many mirrors are in your house?   i have no major opinion on mirrors.  i usually don't look in them though, no, because i don't like seeing all the weight i've gained.  idk how many mirrors we have total. what do you think is the greatest invention of all time? why? are there any inventions you wish had never been made?   uhhh... i'm not entirely sure.  i mean, i guess anesthesia is definitely one, so we can do major surgeries.  music.  medicine. as for inventions that shouldn't have been made, i'mma just say though this would totally not stop people from "doing things," can we just... get rid of dildos and self-pleasure things?  can we not teach lust, please? are you proud of yourself? do you feel that you've accomplished (or will accomplish) the things you want in your life? what other person are you the most proud of and why?   i'm... i don't know.  i honestly think i have good morals and such, yeah, but some parts about me i just have no control over and hate.  ex., my hatred for ashley.  ffs i know the girl doesn't deserve it, yet i'd... alsdkjfoawieurwe.  i don't think i'm going to accomplish my goals, no.  the person i'm most proud of... i actually think that would be ashley, my older sister.  her ex-boyfriend abused her and drove her mad practically, and she was even self-mutilating, but via hospitalization, she came back from that and is now a fucking warrior mother. did you ever have a terrible roommate? what did they do that bothered you so much?   i'd consider jacob and amanda to be jason's and my former roommates, and as roommates, we had bad chemistry.  they're great people, absolutely, we just didn't mix in taking care of a house. if someone has a problem with something you’ve done, do you prefer they confront you directly? why or why not? when you're the one who needs to tell someone about a problem, what's your method of doing so?   i'd far rather prefer you confront me via writing, so i can write back.  therefore i can actually think clearly about what i'm saying, not stutter my ass off, and not feel cornered.  i am HORRIFIED on confrontation, so i would be a mess. do you like the color gray?   no, i do not. is it possible to love someone if you don't love yourself?   THIS QUESTION MAKES ME SO FUCKING MAD.  OBVIOUSLY.  OH BOOHOO, I FUCKING HATE MYSELF, I CAN STILL LOVE THE FUCK OUT OF SOMEONE ELSE JESUS CHRIST. do you believe happiness can exist without sadness?   eventually?  no. what hospital in your area would you most recommend for good treatment?   hahahahaha oh darling, none of them.  just don't go to nash general. who is the best person you've ever "met" online?   mini. who is the most versatile actor ever?   obviously johnny depp. do you ever nap and wake up and forget what day it is?   i barely ever know what day it is to begin with.  my days just kinda... happen. what was your maternal grandmother's first name?   cecelia. what was the last video message you received on your phone?   ... jason was the only person who ever did that.  so.  well over a year ago. would you kiss someone you didn't have feelings for?   nope.  kisses are far more special than that. what would your dream engagement ring look like?   okay first my husband can get whatever damn ring he wants to propose to me with, but either a dragon's breath opal or rose gold ring are my fantasies. is someone hurting you mentally at the moment?   jason constantly is without knowing it.  colleen is always pretty heavily beating me in the mental sense. do you feel like no one understands you?   i used to think jason did, but i guess he doesn't.  or maybe he really does understand me, more than i do myself, and his full understanding is why he left, because he hates me as much as i hate myself. have you ever attempted to drown yourself?   uh, no, and even if i wanted to die, i wouldn't choose that way, holy shit. would you rather deal with all your emotions at once, or none at all?   who says i haven't felt one already, maybe even both? what’s the best sex scene in a movie you’ve ever seen?   errr.  it's really indirect and you don't actually "see" them doing much, but i guess in "the notebook" where they're in that old house and the poor girl is so nervous and emotional?  i could imagine that being me my first time lol.  it's just... really passionate to me and it feels like that scene is far more about love than just sex. is pornography evil or are you neutral about it?   it's fucking disgusting. do you prefer to be monogamous, or are you more a casual dater or swinger?   honestly, just because i'm feeling a bit brutal today?  i don't even respect anything but monogamy.  i'm fucking sorry, but going around saying you "love" more than one person, fucking more than one person, it's just... fucking hell it's sick. does your pet wear a collar?   they all do, yes. what is your favorite song in "the sound of music"?   "doe, a deer, a feeeemale deer!" what would you do if your mom/dad saw a hickey on you?   if i was with jason, probably nothing.  they both know i love him dearly and i know mom at least knows we do sexual things.  i mean did. you’ve just had an argument with the guy you like, and you walk away. do you want them to leave you alone?   no.  do not lave me alone.  please. have you ever read any self-help books?   i have. do you thank the bus driver?   i always did when i rode the bus with j, yes. have you ever had your heart broken?   worst thing in the whole fucking world.  i REALLY woulda rather been shot. when was the last time you flirted?   do you consider commenting on your ex-boyfriend's photograph on facebook calling him handsome flirting?  if yeah, well over a year ago.  if that doesn't count, who the fuck knows. are good-byes easy or hard for you?   why don't you fucking kill me instead. whatcha listening to?   "bad girlfriend" by theory of a deadman.  sexy fucking song. what do you feel about our president?   i fucking despise him.  sure, some of his policies i agree with, but holy shit... he is an ass. do you remember the song, blue (da ba dee) by eiffel 65?   omfg i love that song :'D if you told someone how far have you have gone with the opposite sex, how would others view you?   i know of a few possibilities.  "a christian fishing for loopholes" is one.  others would certainly call me uptight or cheap for not going all the way. do you have a secret that you’ve never told ANYONE?   no, actually...  i told my only secret to my best friend and indirectly my mom just last night, so. would you care if your last ex fell in love with someone else?   yes, i fucking care. what’s something you really want right now, be honest?   be honest?  sex with j. were your parents married when they had you?   they were. are they married now?   no, they're divorced. would you marry someone 30 years older than you if they had millions?   nope. how long were employed at your last job?   lmao four days fam.  quit that quickly. if you found out you were pregnant who would you tell first?   depends on how it happened, honestly.  i'd tell the dad before anyone else, probably, and right now, i'm not with a man. what did you do when you hung out with the last person you kissed?   i couldn't tell you.  just like our last kiss, i didn't know it'd be our last, so it was just another day.  fuck. do you prefer online classes or real classes?   they both have their benefits, idk.  part of the blame for me quitting college though was due to it being online. do you like documentaries? have you ever watched one and find it boring?   i looove animal documentaries.  don't think i've ever seen one that bored me. if you had to choose, would you rather be an alcoholic or pothead?   honestly?  pothead.  and i'm against marijuana, but i find alcoholism way more dangerous. do you hate your ex?   no, i fucking worship him. do you like kids?   yes and no.  i am VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERY awkward with children.  like, i just don't know what to do with them, so i get very uncomfortable.  yet i still want kids, which makes me worry sometimes... but i honestly believe if i had my own flesh-and-blood child, i'd be the most protective and loving mother ever. are your eyes the same color as your mom’s or dad’s?   neither. do you think too much or too little?   TOO MUCH!!! does anyone know your facebook password?   my mom, and jason might. have you ever seen the last person you kissed without their shirt on?   juicy shit for a skinny boi mmmmmhm ...what about their pants?   ye boi did you ever rip off a barbie doll head?   hahaha wtf idk how many people have you slept with (sexually not actually sleeping)?   i need to know if doing sexual things, but not actual sex, counts to answer this question.  if not, zero.  if sexual things count, one. do you have any sort of ongoing health problem?   oh hunny, you really wanna know? are you a teenager and yet want a baby?   i am not a teenager, but there were a few times when j and i were together the thought would cross my mind, but only very rapidly. would you date a guy with a prince albert?   i mean, sure.  i'd be a bit suspicious honestly, seeing as he'd have to be pretty comfortable whipping out his penis to get it pierced and all, but i wouldn't really judge him much.  if he likes it, good for him. do you think you are a hick?   not in the slightest, no. have you ever told someone to their face that they were ugly?   what the fuck, no!!  i even knew better as a child!! have you ever swallowed a watermelon seed?   i'm sure i have accidentally before.  ha ha speaking of which, i totally want that "don't eat watermelon seeds" shirt when i'm expecting.  it's so cute. what would be worse - going out in public with no bra or no panties?   i already don't wear underwear, soooo...? would you ever let your child drop out of high school?   in most situations, absolutely not.  now if they were ill, physically or mentally, and were having severe trouble in school related to their issues, yes, i would. honestly, do you think that inner beauty is as important as outer beauty?   to society?  no.  in regards to simple morality?  inner beauty is substantially more important. do you pronounce “aunt” like “awnt” or “ant”?   "ant" have you ever seen wayne’s world?   i have and it's funny, but i can't watch it anymore as jason LOVED that movie. what was your favorite video game as a child?   the original "spyro the dragon" trilogy list five things you’re currently thinking about:   1.) sex w/ ex don't judge i'm having a night ;- ; 2.) colleen and our fight earlier 3.) wondering if jax has messaged me back yet 4.) what i'd like to have for dinner that's pretty healthy 5.) how much i love the song i'm listening to is the last person you kissed a virgin?   he is not. have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?   no, but a guy with a lip ring kissed me. what was the last video you added to your favorites on youtube?   ... how can i check without leaving the song i'm listening to? lol do you have any morbid interests?   oh boy do i. eat breakfast or skip it?   eat breakfast.  i'm always v hungry when i wake up. favorite disney channel show?   of all time?  probs "that's so raven" or "the suite life of zack and cody" do you believe in jesus?   i believe he was a real person, yes.  i also believe in the miracles he spoke of, yes. would you ever get a tattoo in a “naughty” place?   where do you consider "naughty"?  if i lose weight, i do have intentions of getting a hydra tattooed VERY low on my stomach so it starts in a certain area and rises up onto my stomach; i want the lyrics "from slave to master, i've become the hydra" written above it in a semi-circle.  it's from an otep song, and i find her lyrics SO empowering.  i may get this tattoo elsewhere though. ... i'm also like 99$ positive i'm getting a harley quinn-oriented tat on my right asscheek that says "rotten" so if you consider that dirty, lmao.  personally i don't believe it to be in a "naughty" place but, w/e. are your ears gauged?   no ewww is there a band you like that many others dislike? which?   hmmmm... i don't think so for any that are notoriously hated.  i mean i admit to liking a couple blood on the dance floor songs, but i don't like enough to be considered a fan of the band. do you play pokemon go?   i did until this month, actually.  not like it was much fun for someone as rural as me, anyway.  no pokestops for pokeballs.  i officially quit because it needed to update and i didn't have room for it unless i deleted a couple apps i refuse to drop. are you a bad influence?   in general, i don't think so, but sometimes, sure. be honest. have you had any dirty thoughts today?   i'm honestly having one of those rare nights where it's p bad. honestly, have you ever danced naked?   AW HELL NO.  i wouldn't have even done that when i was much much much smaller!  too shy!! is smoking pot a turn off?   i wouldn't date someone who smoked in the first place. have you ever scared yourself?   i always scare myself when i'm suicidal. on facebook, do you have people listed as your siblings who aren’t really your siblings?   hahaha yeah... is it ever okay for a woman to ask out a man?    ... yes???  we're in 2017??? how important is it for a significant other to be good with kids?   i wanna evaluate this question a bit.  "good" with kids, not necessarily.  i'm not good with kids, yet i love them and would do so much for a child.  i'd be okay having someone inexperienced with kids, but not bad with kids, you get me? when did your last relationship end?   august or september of 2015.  i can't remember which. did your father go to college?   nope. do you plan on going to college?   i did go for a couple years, but i just dropped out this week, because it's not for me.  it's bringing MUCH unnecessary stress into my life, and i don't need a degree to be a perfectly successful photographer.  nor do i need miles of school debt.  not worth it. ever seen a burning building in person?   yes.  when i lived in sharpsburg, a house diagonal to us was entirely engulfed in flame.  burned to the ground.  just the foundation remains today. do you like gore?   FUCKING AESTHETIC do you own any choker/collar necklaces?   oh yes did you have a "scene" phase?   nah, i was definitely more emo than scene. how often do you shave your legs, if at all? why do/don't you?   like... every two weeks?   i have no shorts or even khakis so no one ever sees my legs.  if someone was going to see my legs for any reason though, i'd shave more frequently, yeah.  and honestly, i only shave my legs due to societal standards. do you personally know anybody whose native tongue is not english?   i sure do. are you dressing up for halloween this year?   i would like to.  i wanna be a plus-sized (if i'm still this large anyway) pin-up girl. horror movies: the bloodier, the better. right?   not necessarily.  i personally want a realistic amount of blood, always, because it adds to the immersion.  hard to imagine "what if that was me?" if there's a comically huge amount of blood spewing from a wound or whatever. what do you think of people that smoke pot?   same way i think of people who smoke cigarettes, honestly.  it's a bad habit and they should stop. do you have pests in your house? if not, have you ever?   we don't currently, but we have had a mouse problem twice and a centipede issue once. do you like korn?   they were one of my first ever metal bands, and they're still fucking love today<3 what do you think of dodgeball being banned at some high schools?   honestly?  i'm fine with it being banned.  it fucking terrified me personally, because kids got way too rough. when you were little, did you pick up worms? do you pick worms up now?   ha ha ha yeah i dug for worms sometimes. :P  i don't anymore, i don't like worms... if you have younger siblings, do they play sports? do you go watch their games?   none of us do anymore.  nicole graduated from a dance student to a teacher last year.  she teaches the little kids. what do you think your friends say about you when you aren’t around?   who the hell knows. can you cut your own hair?   doubt it. do you own a guitar?   i do.  it's in my old room's closet. do you plan on seeing a band live this year?   i would LIKE to, but a.) i'm poor and b.) no one ever comes to nc but country artists. :/ what’s a sport you don’t mind watching?   dance.  *prepares for the "that's not a sport" comments* what color hair would you like your baby to have?   black like jason's. why do you think people care so much about looks?   i honestly think in a way similar to one of my favorite lyrics by rammstein, which loosely translates to: "humans are but animals of the eyes."  says a lot about us, doesn't it?  i also kinda think it has something to do with adam and eve when they sinned and became ashamed of their nakedness; none of us want to feel embarrassment in regards to our body, so we want to have the body that society accepts.  that brings about the next subject: who's to say/who started the expectation that there is a "right" body?  as well, i even think humans' animalistic traits come into play here: "we" want a body we recognize as "fit and ready" to produce and protect its offspring, and i mean, the body we humans idolize is almost always a slim, fit body.  it just makes sense to me. do you enjoy dancing?   well, i was a dancer for many years, actually, at the local dance studio.  i didn't love it, but it was something to do.  i eventually stopped because of depression and over-the-top sweating. were you ever obsessed with the jonas brothers?   no.  i had a very strong dislike for them, VERY much so, and one day while i was away, nicole decorated our room (we shared a room for a long time) to where the walls were COVERED in their pictures from magazines.  i was livid lol. do you ever feel like life is going by too fast?   this past year?  no.  not at all.  every day is the fucking same; i'm stuck at home foraging for some entertainment on the internet in my bed.  all day.  the days of the week blend together like a soup.  so in my case, life is fucking dragging. do you pay for your own things?   no, but only because i can't.  i have no job, i get no allowance, sooo i get no income.  fucking worthless 20-year-old, all right. who makes you feel like you’re worth something?   at this moment?  no one.  my mom pissed me the fuck off and my best friend hates me currently and thinks because they're "only" mental, my illnesses are invalid. have you ever gotten in trouble on the internet?   lmao fam when i was like what 12 or so i got moderated by the moderator of animal planet's "meerkat manor" forum *waggles fist* honestly, have you ever had lice?   omg no i would freak do you think it’s possible to be in a long relationship without having sex?   ... the fuck kind of question is this???  no shit!!! where did you last bleed from and why?   hmmm.  don't know for certain. has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?   too many times. what do you like most about making out?   uhhh... you do stuff... and things???  idk i honestly don't know how to answer this question.  everything about it, i guess. have you ever had a guy put his hand in your shirt?   yeah, but it wasn't unwelcomed or anything. what is the last thing you stapled? 

  sigh.  twelve pages-worth of papers: jason's letter.  mom and i are riding out to the post office tomorrow to get it mailed...  god please let him read it. who was your first prom date?

   jason was my one and only. have you ever been slapped in the face?

   no.  i emotionally wouldn't be able to handle that. have you ever touched a snake?

   pet 'em, held 'em. are you lonely? be honest.
   ha.  always. do you like condoms?   ... i don't... have an opinion...? are you good at editing pictures? 

  i honestly think i'm pretty good. are you any good at public speaking? 
  no, and they need to stop fucking forcing children to do it in school. would you have kids with the last person you kissed?   FUCKING PLEASE have you ever thought of making love in a dressing room?   sounds quite uncomfortable. do you know anyone who tries to steal everyone’s boyfriend?   oh oh oh!  i know!!  rachel!! :D do you appreciate raunchy humor?   no, honestly. have you ever looked up porn on the internet?   nope. did you ever try cutting yourself?   i have.  and it doesn't help anything.  don't do it. do you like to tell people who you like?   honestly i just like any chance i get to talk about jason because i love him so fucking much and talking about him brings at least a mild happiness to me. ever been institutionalized?   and they shoulda kept me, honestly. ever hold a newborn animal?   kittens. (: