#then mary showed up and then cj and then anne | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lauralot89 · 4 years

Text

everything about baywatch is so wild to me that i have to convey it in the form of a timeline

1989: baywatch premieres as a television movie, panic at malibu pier. the unedited version of the film contains random topless ladies who contribute nothing to the plot, but exist to make video store rentals lucrative

also 1989: baywatch season one premieres on nbc. each episode contains several montages of beach stock footage and slow motion lifeguard running set to music to pad the runtime. one of the lead actors is named billy warlock, the coolest name that will ever be

1990: after one season, nbc cancels baywatch. screenwriter lee goldberg would later say of the show, “baywatch should never have been a series. lifeguards dive into the water and rescue people. so what? one producer said, 'you know, i can come up with stories for the home shopping network, and i can't come up with stories for this show.”

1992: david hasselhoff believes in baywatch so much that he has the series picked up for syndication. season two premieres with a significantly smaller budget, and as such product placement is rampant and all shots filmed must be used, regardless of visible errors. the show now has the iconic theme song “i’ll be ready”

also 1992: the baywatch/gilligan’s island crossover episode “now sit right back and you’ll hear a tale” premieres. gilligan and mary ann are the only gilligan’s island characters to appear in the crossover

1993: season three of baywatch premieres, now with pamela anderson as a cast member. her character cj was first introduced playing an alto saxophone at the side of a river where mitch buchannon was searching for gold buried by his deceased prospector uncle

also 1993: baywatch teamed up with sega to release “lifeguard potential,” a water safety psa for uk children hosted by chris evans, but not the chris evans of marvel fame

1994: david hasselhoff performs a pay per view concert in atlantic city meant to help his singing career with united states audiences. during the concert, hasselhoff goes backstage to find donald trump watching the oj simpson car chase, broadcasting live, on television. as a result of approximately 90 million people watching the car chase, the concert was a 1.5 million dollar loss

1995: baywatch nights premieres. originally envisioned by david hasselhoff as a detective show completely separate from baywatch, the show ended up as a baywatch spinoff with mitch buchannon and garner ellerbee starting up a detective agency along with angie harmon of later Law & Order fame. the show was called nights because the detective agency was located above a club called nights, yet advertising for the show stated mitch was a “lifeguard by day and detective by night,” despite the majority of season one taking place in the day

also 1995: baywatch the movie: forbidden paradise is released on video

1996: the baywatch episode “baywatch angels” airs. in this episode, the lifeguards are being targeted with trip wire bombs and are saved by charlie’s angels. except instead of actually getting the charlie’s angels actresses, it’s three female baywatch cast members dressed up as the charlie’s angels

1997: baywatch nights season two premieres. the show is now about mitch as a paranormal investigator, x-files style, and is widely panned as ridiculous. which, in fairness, it is, but original baywatch had ghost possessions and alien abductions so it’s not like this is without precedent. despite season one of baywatch nights having a psychic character, she inexplicably never appears in any of the paranormal episodes

also 1997: baywatch nights is cancelled

1998: baywatch: white thunder at glacier bay premieres direct to video

also 1998: david hasselhoff stars as nick fury in the television movie nick fury: agent of shield. other roles in the film are played by minor baywatch and baywatch nights actors, such as lisa rinna as contessa val allegra de fontaine, sandra hess as andrea von strucker, and neil roberts as alexander pierce. the movie was intended to lead into a nick fury television series. it did not succeed.

1999: baywatch moves filming to hawaii due to rising production costs in los angeles. the show is now branded as baywatch: hawaii.

2001: baywatch is cancelled again, this time for good. so far.

also 2001: star trek: enterprise premieres. due to declining viewership of preceding star trek franchises, enterprise seeks a new viewing demographic: baywatch fans. they do this by having scenes in nearly every episode where the cast strips down to their underwear and rubs ‘decontamination gel’ on each other after visiting alien planets. this does not succeed in drawing any new viewers in, as internet porn is readily available by this point

2003: the made for television movie baywatch: hawaiian wedding premieres

2017: baywatch, starring dwayne johnson and zac efron, premieres in theaters. dwayne johnson is playing mitch buchannon and at one point has a scene with david hasselhoff, who is also playing mitch buchannon, because why not

there’s just no detailing all the ridiculousness and twists and turns of this history of baywatch. it was the most watched show of all time and the longest running show to never be nominated for an emmy. to this day, hasselhoff insists that baywatch wasn’t about sex. i’ve tried my best here but i’d need to include every single episode to really demonstrate how absurd it all was. everyone go watch baywatching.

#Baywatch #Baywatch Nights #David Hasselhoff #Pamela Anderson #baywatching

1K notes · View notes

sobriquett · 3 years

Text

Dear Trick or Treat Author

Dear Trick or Treat Author,

[WIP: 23:50 BST 19/09/21]

What a wonderful time of year! (Or is that Yuletime? Nearly there too!)

Hello! I am very easily pleased so please take this as a starting point if you need some ideas but otherwise write what makes you happy! I know horror tropes/genre are in my dislikes but if you want to write a scary trick, you do that, yes please! Just play within the canonical world (werewolves in Milton-Northern, vampires at Thornfield, ghosts at the White House) and I'll be a happy reader (but please still stay aware from my gore-related DNWs!).

My normal ramble about what I enjoy in fic isn't really relevant to a 300+ word exchange but you can find it in past letters, click the letter tag.

That said, things missing from my main signup include these:

Loves: exploration of power imbalances Likes: epistolary

My fandoms are in alphabetical order (ish), so here we go!

1. 16th Century CE RPF

Anne Boleyn Anne of Cleves Catherine of Aragon Catherine Parr Elizabeth I of England Henry VIII of England Margaret Pole Countess of Salisbury Robert Dudley 1st Earl of Leicester Thomas Seymour (1508 – 1549)

I've been on a bit of a Philippa Gregory kick this summer reading the Cousins' War series out of order. I'd love more stories about these figures – with some of them (Henry VIII in particular!) it's pretty easy to lean into the trick side of things, but there's treat potential too. Add more characters if you want; I've been reading histories and historical novels on this period for many, many years so if you drop in Maria de Salinas or Stephen Fisher or Kat Ashley or Thomas Cromwell or anyone I'm up for that, but I am also a laidback reader and this is a low-stress exchange, don't tie yourself in knots over accuracy. (Although I would, and I'd definitely recommend Ruth Goodman's How to be a Tudor if you haven't read it, even if you're not normally a non-fiction reader.)

What if [any utterly disastrous thing] didn't happen, or perhaps was somehow worse? Did Elizabeth and Dudley actually have some happiness in a romance, however brief? How did Anne of Cleves feel to retire as the King's beloved sister? What was Margaret Pole thinking on the morning of her execution? Is Henry VIII haunted by the ghosts of some of those he killed: friends and lovers and family? Did anything actually happen between Elizabeth I and Thomas Seymour (There's historical room for a secret pregnancy in the country…)

2. Downton Abbey

Mary Crawley Edith Crawley Sybil Crawley Matthew Crawley Tom Branson Robert Crawley Cora Crawley Violet Crawley Isobel Crawley Lavinia Swire Anna Bates Evelyn Napier Freda Dudley Ward Marigold Crawley George Crawley Ship: Tom Branson/Sybil Crawley

This is like my TV comfort blanket. I rewatched it this year and I am interested in just about every main character except, oddly, Thomas – who is the favourite fic character of most writers! Give me a missing moment, a look at the future, a glance at the past, a look from the outside – whatever. Any point in, before or after canon is cool with me, except I tend to skim a lot of S4 (ugh, that rape storyline, please don’t use that).

Do ghosts walk the halls of Downton Abbey? What is life like in Ireland for Tom and Sybil? Do any of the characters ever feel a moment of true despair? What if Matthew had died in the war? What does the future hold for these characters? How did Robert, Cora and Violet get on in the 1890s? What was Carson like with Mary/Edith/Sybil as children? Does it parallel his relationship with their children?

3. The Good Place

Eleanor Shellstrop Chidi Anagonye Tahani Al-Jamil Jason Mendoza Michael Janet

This is another show I can watch over and over and over. I think Chidi's my favourite but it's hard to be sure. I can tell you I absolutely sobbed during the S3 finale and I was a wreck for the S4 finale. Tug my heartstrings, make me laugh, make me cry, I don't care! I've studied philosophy and despised it so I'll take or leave what you include on that score, I just love the characters. Please include any or all other characters you'd like, but I definitely ship Eleanor/Chidi over Chidi/Simone! Although I'll take angst in that direction too! I don't know, I feel like a kid in a candy store writing this letter: hyper and having trouble deciding between all the possible wonders!

Existential dread? Moments from their human lives? Moments from the good place? Please tell me more about the time knife. Does Michael return to the good place when he dies? Does he reunite with Janet and/or Tahani?

4. Jane Eyre

Jane Eyre Edward Rochester Adele Varens Ship: Jane Eyre/Edward Rochester

This is my favourite classic novel, I reread it every couple of years, most recently in 2020 for Yuletide. My reading of it changes each time, and I increasingly believe that Rochester is more bad guy than good guy and that Jane Eyre lies as a narrator and is as prejudiced and superior as those she crititcises for the same qualities. But I still love her, and that she says she got a happy ending.

Is Rochester more of a villain? How? How does Adele find school, either the one Rochester sends her to, or the one Jane moves her to? Post-canon happiness? Post-canon unhappiness? A scene from the engagement? A missing moment between the non-wedding and Jane running away? What if the wedding wasn't interrupted? (Full disclosure: I'm writing this too.) Canon divergence for, well, anything? Is Adele separated from Sophie? How does that go, how does she manage?

5. Memoirs of a Geisha

Nitta Sayuri Mameha Nobu Toshikazu Ship: Nitta Sayuri/Nobu Toshikazu Ship: Mameha/Matsunaga Tsuneyoshi | The Baron

6. North and South

Margaret Hale John Thornton Hannah Thornton Bessy Higgins Ship: Margaret Hale/John Thornton

7. Stardew Valley

Female Player Sebastian Shane Harvey Robin Elliott Leah Marlon Ship: Shane/Female Player Ship: Sebastian/Female Player Ship: Lewis/Marnie

Do Sebastian and the farmer go on any more bike rides? How did Lewis and Marnie’s relationship start? Are they ever found out? Why does Lewis want to keep it secret? Why is he such an arsehole to Marnie? Tales of the purple shorts. Tell me more about Harvey’s nerdy hobbies or fear of heights? What happened with Robin and Sebastian’s dad? The horrors of the mines, or the skull cavern? Is Leah frightened by the things that go bump in the night near her home? Is Elliott? Some angst or h/c around a wounded farmer, being found/nursed? Or how about some angst/horror in which... they’re not? Fics about the war with the Gotoro Empire?

8. Star Trek: Voyager

Kathryn Janeway Chakotay Tuvok Kes Seven of Nine Naomi Wildman

I’ve been a J/C shipper since before I knew shipping was a thing (as a kid, I had all the two-parters, S5&6, and Resolutions on video. Pre-internet, how did I even know which episode Resolutions one? Shippy magic instinct, I guess?) So apart from that ship, or canonical relationships, I would prefer genfic please. I also don’t mind the other Voyager characters so they’re welcome to make an appearance, but these are the ones that interest me.

9. The West Wing

CJ Cregg Josh Lyman Sam Seaborn Abbey Bartlet Charlie Young Donna Moss Jed Bartlet Leo McGarry Toby Ziegler Zoey Bartlet

Happy writing!

Sobriquett

#dear author letter #16th century rpf #downton abbey #the good place #jane eyre #memoirs of a geisha #north and south #stardew valley #star trek voyager #the west wing #trick or treat exchange

3 notes · View notes

cartoonfangirl1218 · 5 years

Text

Winner’s Curse Ch. 8

CJ stalked the cold, gloomy alleyways that lined the street to the docks with a brazen whistle and jaunty step. A proverbial sore thumb compared to the adults and small Vks who scurried about with shuffling steps using the shadows as cover from the watchful eyes of the Coven.

“As if they would care about the doings of cowards and sidekicks.” CJ thought to herself. She had only been back in the Isle for a few days, possibly weeks, time was never a sure thing for CJ, and she had pieced together a little of what had happened when she was gone.

Some big name villains had gotten their magic back and were ruling the Isle with an iron fist, no one was allowed to do anything without their permission, children and sidekicks were punching bags for others, some sort of new hierarchy, etc.

CJ didn’t particularly care. She wasn’t going to stay here for long anyway. She was meant to live on the high seas and after seeing all the booty that she could plunder from places like Camelot Heights and Charmington, she had a growing desire to return to Auradon. A land filled with gold and magic and all sorts of princess to scare and seduce unlike this island of delusional madpeople.

And she was going to plunder and steal on the Seven Seas on the Jolly Roger. Her birthright.

Just as the golden compass that she took from its’ hidden, crocodile-ridden vault on Neverland that used to belong to the once glorious Captain James Hook, that Jolly Roger was another piece of her great legacy. It would aid her in her acts of treachery and it would be a sign to all her future enemies that her scourge was coming. iT would strike fear into their hearts even before they saw a glimpse of her.

She wanted to be the most vile, bloodiest pirate that ever lived. More dangerous than her father, more wanted than Calico Jack, people would say Blackbeard was the male CJ Hook. She was dangerous in her own right despite what these idiots on the Isle thought. She was always third. Behind Harriet even though Harriet hardly did anything but keep up the Jolly Roger and occasionally entered a bar brawl, and behind Harry who was practically Uma’s whipping boy.

Voluntarily Uma’s whipping boy and first mate. It was disgusting.

When she was young she had envied and idolized her brother for his fierceness and the hook he used to slash people’s throats for daring to not follow his orders. But ever since he fell for Uma and pledged his life to serve her, she lost her respect for him. Why be a first mate when you could be a leader and take the best share of booty for yourself.

It was a universal rule not to fall for anyone on the Isle. It made you dependent and weak. Yet Harry was clearly hook over his head devoted to Uma and that seemed to make him stronger. Harry fought like an untamed animal with Uma by his side whenever someone treaded on their turf or insulted their gang. People feared him more now than ever, not daring to speak a bad word about Uma or him. They said he was insane. They said he killed for fun, a true sadist.

She hijacked her way to Auradon, she stole a whole roomful of treasure, she’s been living the good life on the seas without a tie to anyone, a leader unto herself. And she was still second-place to Harry, a pirate who was no leader, just a first mate.

It was just like that when they were kids. Her father treated Harriet more or less with respect or left her alone since she took care of things when he was off drinking until he could see and defeat his hallucinations of Peter Pan. He more or less ignored Harry seeing too much of himself in the boy, seeing his failure in the future. Her, she was his favorite, she knew that. Sure, he didn’t like it when she talked to him, he wasn’t a fan of kids talking or kids in general, but he would treat her mildly better like teaching her the proper way to stab someone. But it was clear that he had no hopes for her to grow into her pirate legacy or any of her capabilities.

Apparently, he thought her siblings had more raw skill and she had too much of his obsessiveness.

Fine, he was right she was obsessed. Obsessed with treasure, with being a pirate, with being great. She was going to get her own treasure. Steal it from her own father. Like a true treacherous pirate.

He would hate her.

Good, she hated him.

Hook was a greedy man. Wouldn’t be such a fearsome pirate otherwise. He refused to give up any of his possessions to his children. They hadn’t “earned” it. Or as he usually yelled at them, “You’re supposed to be fucking pirates! Get your own treasure!” That declaration led to the bitterest resentment in her piled near the times he forgot her existence in favor of talking to her siblings, doubting her, agreeing with the rest of the Isle. Placing her fourth behind the rest of the family.

She would prove them all wrong, and make them pay.

Her angry thoughts echoed with her pounding footsteps as she kicked the hollow wooden wall behind Madame Medusa’s casino that had formerly been the diamond plunder’s basement, now Lady Caine’s lair.

CJ would have liked to make a dramatic entrance, much like the one she did at the Auradonians silly Neon Lights Ball but she sadly didn’t not see any vines or ropes to swing from so she settled for bounding down the stairs and brandishing a sword.

Brandishing her sword in a dark, empty room apparently, the only light coming from a small window.

The basement was much larger than she thought basements were supposed to be until she realized she was in a small entrance room and she had to go through another door. The door led through a stone hallways, it’s only light coming from the cracks of the wooden ceiling which CJ figured must be the floor of the casino. Some stones had been chipped and the place reeked with mildew and dust but it was also decorated to intimidate.

There were blood splatters and spare limb joints wedged in corners of the walls, rusty swords bent with decay that had been stuck to the wall and unable to be removed. Posters buxom female pirates and males with broad chests holding knives in their mouths were crudely tacked up alongside “Wanted” signs of Lady Caine’s gang.

CJ recognized some of the pirates from the stories Harriet used to tell. The heartless Blackbeard, the infamous Davy Jones, and CJ’s favorites, Anne Bonny and Mary Read, Grace O’Malley, Ching Shih..

“Hmmm I like her too.” A female voice purred, sidling up to her side. It took most of CJ’s composure not to jump at the sudden presence of whom she instinctively knew to be Lady Caine and forced herself to smooth her face into a wicked grin as she faced the self-proclaimed “Queen of Thieves.”

The older pirate was a bit shorter than her, reaching to her nose but that didn’t lessen her intimidating presence. In fact it just made CJ even more on guard knowing that it was likely Lady Caine would find a sneaky advantage like hitting her in the crotch or some other unprecedented move using the dagger at her belt.

The rest of her body was less intimidating since toll of the Isle showed. She was skinnier than CJ so it made her corset look like it was hanging limply from her body rather than pushing up ‘the goods.’ Her hair was limp too, and straggly from lack of clean water and constant sea mist.There was an uneven spread of muscles on her arms tempered with some new and healed-over scars, one that even went through her skull and roses tattoo on her right shoulder. Her left leg was clearly injured since she favored to lean on her right and CJ could see the spread of blood seeping through her tent-canvas pants. The one piece of jewelry, a skull necklace was cracked and rusting over making it look more like a demented clown.

What really brought the scare factor was Lady Caine’s face. Her mouth was set into an unnerving casual smirk. The kind that implied she was the type of person to arrange for someone ‘to swim with the fishes’ simply because she needed something to do to fill her time. Yet her smile didn’t reach to her eyes. No, her eyes were too guarded, menacing, immediately telling CJ that if she tried to double cross her, than Lady Caine would return the favor. Ten-fold.

“Yes, she has quite the treasure chest.” CJ commented.

“Heh, I meant I wouldn’t mind taking over her nine hundred squadron fleet to raise a little hell,” Lady Caine raised an eyebrow, her brown and shoddily red-dyed bangs brushed against CJ’s cheek as the older women got into her personal space. “But I can share your admiration for her figure too. Would she be any competition for that voodoo sorceress you’ve been with?”

CJ forced herself to breath normally through her mouth despite her sudden wildly thumping heart. Unexpected and unwelcome memories filled her mind, pushing the faded poster of Ching Shih away.

Freddie’s dark lips, stained with purple berries that brought out the highlights of her kelp green eyes. Those same lips who created enticing and persuasive arguments with her ‘velvety’ voice coaxing new sounds out of her as they glided across her body.

Her nimble hands easily able to pickpocket and grope with none the wiser than she, but CJ always knew because she knew that girl. Her tricks of trade, her facial tics, what sent her over the edge in the most pleasurable sense of the world.

That was until CJ had been totally blindsided when Freddie decided to become independent. She knew Freddie had a stubborn streak, which Freddie would retort that she wasn’t stubborn, she was practical, not carrying the obsessive Hook madness. But for Freddie to abruptly tear away from her to have her own dreams was something CJ never thought would happen. Freddie had always seemed to content in helping her with her own schemes, she said she found keeping CJ under control to be entertaining which would be followed by a night of dark magic and ecstasy.

“Of course not.” CJ barked out a hearty laugh and tried to move the conversation to safer, less complicated, emotional areas as well as keep her mind off the stunning spawn of Facilier.

“The girl is my sidekick. My pet. My Auradon pet since she insists on becoming a famous singing star for those goody goodies. She’s not at all like Ching Shih. What I would give for a nine hundred boat squadron which brings me to the important thing. How am I getting the Jolly Roger?”

“We’re getting the Jolly Roger.” Lady Caine corrected leading her toward a bigger room which CJ could tell had used to be used for storage due to the familiar musty smell of aged alcohol. The large boxes had been shifted and carved to form makeshift chairs, weapons were hung or stabbed haphazardly around the place and in the center was a wooden throne which Lady Caine lazily slouched upon, looking at CJ up and down with amusement.

CJ pulled out her sword again, glaring at Caine threw slitted eyes. “Not the deal. The Jolly Rogers mine.”

“Relax. I don’t want that ship, I have my own. I just have my own plans for your father once we steal it in front of bloodshot eyes.” Lady Caine smirked malevolently, “He still drinks, doesn’t he?”

CJ faltered a little when she realized that wasn’t a rhetorical question, “Uh maybe. I don’t associate with him. I’ve been Auradon.”

“I’ve heard about that. Now that is something people should talk about more. You got into Auradon on your own. No pitying help from Prince Furrball. No ‘turning good,’ turning their backs on us so we could rot in hell while their mushy goodhearted brains sleep on pillows. You lived up to your wickedness, CJ.” Lady Caine cocked her head, looking oddly at CJ. Her eyes glinted with a strange happiness and her mouth curved in a genuine smile like when Captain Hook envisioned himself killing that dratted green boy. So proud of his imaginary accomplishment.

Proud. That was what Lady Caine looked like. Not proud of herself but proud for CJ.

CJ’s staggering realization that someone was actually proud of her was tempered by the words sinking in, “No one talks about me and my accomplishments? I have stolen loot from Merlin!”

“Exactly. They still speak of your brother and his violence, but not your greatness. It’s ridiculous. Descended from two great pirates..well I’m a great pirate, your dad-” Lady Caine waved her hand as if she couldn’t quite describe the numerous fatal flaws of Captain Hook in words.

“Yeah…” CJ wasn’t sure how to continue, another odd feeling, she had always remained sure and in control most of her life, “How did-How are you my mother? Dad despises you. He has dreamed of you and Pan being crushed under his stern.”

“And I despise him as well. It’s complicated. I wasn’t in the right mind when I did it. I was drunk, we were fighting, his Hook slipped and instead of scratching me it kind of went the hot and sexy route..huh? That actually wasn’t very complicated now that I say it out loud.” Lady Caine shrugged, wiping a hand over eye and smudging her heavy eyeliner. It sort of reminded her of Harry.

Truthfully as she looked longer at Lady Caine she found it difficult to see the resemblance between her and her supposed mother. Lady Caine’s brown hair matched more with Harriet and the eye-liner, totally a trademark of her brother. Maybe..just maybe if Lady Caine ate more and filled out, CJ would be able to see if they have the same slender figure, and if she wiped away the magenta lipstick, maybe they had the same lips....

“And you’re not Harriet’s or Harry’s-” “No.” Lady Caine vehemently denied, “I would remember if I slept with that son of a bitch more than once, especially if I was pregnant afterwards. Just once is enough for me. What else do you think the C in your name means?”

CJ hadn’t meant to look so shocked but she lost her control, her eyes bugged out and her jaw dropped, “The C is for Caine?!”

Lady Caine burst out laughing, getting off her chair and back to CJ’s side, “No again. Your dad named you and he would never choose something that referenced me. You should have seen the look on your face though. Ha!”

Once CJ’s heart resumed its normal rhythm, she managed a weak laugh, “Okay great. But seriously, the Jolly Roger. What’s the plan? I want that boat.”

Lady Caine looked like she was about to laugh again, but she refrained seeing the seriousness in CJ’s eyes. “There’s no official plan...yet. But you will be in charge of it since you know Hook’s turf better than I do.” A part of CJ’s gut pinged at Caine’s words. It felt wrong somehow. Too easy that the “Queen of Thieves,” known for her hard will and controlling way would just hand over the plan to CJ, even if she was her child. Yet CJ swelled with ambitious excitement. She was finally getting the respect her reputation deserved. She could totally plan and execute a way to take the Jolly Roger.

“What do you want with all this?” CJ questioned, giving in a little to her gut feeling and eyeing Lady Caine warily.

“Like I said, I have my own score to settle with Hook. And a small favor. I want to use the Jolly Roger to storm Corona.” “You see, CJ, long before you were born. Before Auradon or the Isle or any of this existed. I lived in Corona. My father was a petty thief that King Fredric jailed because he couldn’t stand any sort of criminal. Murderers in cells with domestic abusers and first time offenders. It was Corona’s own version of the Isle. The first one. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Beast took the idea from him.

My father died in that prison since he couldn’t compete with the big guns. I grew up on the streets which was for the best I suppose ‘cause look at me now.

But that self-righteous King Fredric has the balls to send me with common criminals and louses all over again. Off with his head along all the rest of those do-good bastards.”

“Off with their heads?” CJ laughed, giving the moment some levity, “You sound like the Queen of Hearts.”

Lady Caine glared at her, visions of anger and blood quite evident on her face, “Tie them to the rack, firing squad, crucifixion. Whatever you want. The point is those Auradonians will suffer, and they will not live.”

———————————————————————————————————

Jordan inhaled deeply before knocking on Ben’s office door.

This was it, today was the day, no turning back.

After getting those cliches out of her head, Jordan paused to make sure that the rumbling of her stomach was just hunger from being too nervous to eat dinner and not impending throw up out of nervousness.

Yet before Jordan could knock on the door, Ben flung it wide open. She was starting to wonder if Ben was some door opening psychic for the past five times she visited this week to go over Operation: Defeat the Coven (official more badass title still in progress), he always opened the door before she knocked. Either she was a very loud presence or Ben was always waiting for someone to bother him.

She had a feeling it was the latter since he was King of Auradon and all, which seemed sad. She knew she would go crazy if she had people constantly knocking on her lamp all the time asking to fix some crisis or other.

Well, people used to do that to her lamp, but after sending those people off in a sandstorm, almost everyone learned to leave her alone. Just how she liked it.

"Hi, Jordan! Are you ready to beat some baddies?" Ben enthused, sounding unusually chirpy and breathless.

"Baddies? Really? No wonder you got caught so quickly on the Isle." Jordan shook her head with amusement.

"Yep, that's me." Ben said, pushing her back so he could close the door behind him, smiling way too brightly and nervously swishing his bangs out of his face as if that would make him look more casual.

Yeah, he was hiding a girl, or he was watching porn. She had seen Aziz act with this sort of bad nonchalantless plenty of times whenever she popped by his room unannounced. And since Ben was way too innocent to even know of the dark side of the internet and he did possess a girlfriend, she could bet he and Mal were having some alone time.

Ben leaned firmly against the door in a move that would prevent anyone from being able to open the door without getting through him, "Do you need any last minute supplies?"

As he said this, Jordan finally spotted the tell-tale bite mark on his neck that confirmed her suspicions.

Jordan was tempted to make a comment about how it looked like a certain purple dragon had marked him as part of her hoard, but refrained. Auradonians were still on edge about Vks even though they had been around for a year, and even more were up in arms about Ben promoting Mal to be his future queen.

If anyone had gotten wind that Mal was in Ben's room, alone, giving him love bites and who knows what else when he was supposed to be doing kingly duties, the scrutiny would be worse than ever on Ben. She might as well let them have their private moment.

Even though that private moment just showed how relaxed Ben was about Operation Defeat the Coven while she still wanted to throw up.

And that's exactly why she needed to talk to Ben. It was clear he had too much faith in her and her abilities and so he needed to be given a reality check of how they could all die and the world that they know it would be taken over by every villain on the Isle imaginable.

"Ben, I promise I'm not backing out. I mean, it is really too late for me to back out anyway so I can't. But I don't feel prepared for this at all. I'm a genie. I'm a sidekick. I don't really make tough decisions, I just entertain people with my magic powers, not fight them. The Coven have a millennium of experience over me and in dark magic which a completely different sort of power, and-"

"I understand how you feel." Ben put a comforting hand on her shoulder while her mouth dropped rather unattractively.

"You do?"

"Hey, I turned king when I was 16. I read a lot about politics and policy making, but it is completely different when I was thrown into ruling. It was like everything I studied and read meant nothing at all when it came to dealing with people and trying to listen to all their problems and think of plausible solutions on a deadline. I can't say I know what I'm doing most of the time."

Well that was very reassuring knowledge.

"But one major thing I have learned when it comes to leadership is that we all develop our own style. You can't prepare for it, you can't learn it. It just comes to you as you learn and grow. You just have to take your time."

"But I CAN'T take my time!" Jordan retorted, "This mission has a short deadline with snap decisions. I can't grow from this."

"It's adventure. People always grow and develop during an adventure like all our parents in their stories." Ben answered back with irritating calmness.

Jordan felt her eye twitch. She should have known that knocking some reality into the eternal optimist wouldn't work.

At least the eternal optimist had eyes so he could see her clear annoyance and distress because Ben said something else, "Besides Jordan, you may be the leader of the mission, but you have your friends to help you. That's why I have a Council. I don't know everything, but I surround myself with people who do and who will help guide me to making the right choices. You're not alone in this."

Jordan exhaled, surprised by how that little nugget of advice actually eased some of her nerves. She did feel pretty confident about her team. Aziz and Jay were excellent with parkour and other athletics so they could be counted on in the case of an attack, and Calix had the magical skills to go up against the sorcerers with her. Plus she had adventured with Aziz and Calix enough times to insticively know when to act in sync. It was too bad Jay was left in the cold in that respect, but he knew his way around the Isle so he had an advantage over all of them.

Additionally, Ben, Carlos Jane and Evie volunteered to alternate in keeping contact with them via magically-enhanced ear chip so they could research useful information in the library if needed.

She trusted them to know what they were doing, and she supposed with so much back-up if she did make a mistake then they could resolve it quickly before any real damage ensued.

"Thanks, Ben. I think I'm ready to go." Jordan said, brushing his hand off her shoulder.

"Right. I'll meet you there. I should go get Mal." Ben said, fixing his collar and rushed into his room.

Jordan sing-songed to the door before leaving, "Ben, I'm pretty sure Mal's room is on the other side of the castle."

She walked quickly to the front of Auradon Prep by the Beast statue where Evie, Aziz, Jay and Calix were already waiting and the moon was high above them all.

Since Ben had arranged the excuse to FG that she, Jay and Aziz were taking a field trip to Agrabah for a week to research illusions in connection with desert mirages so the two boys were dressed in loose pants and shirts that concealed the thick leather body armor underneath as well as the shafrah and scimitar strapped to their legs.

She had copied that look in a flowing black sundress with a two straps filled to the teeth with daggers criss-crossing her chest.

Truthfully, she never used a dagger before, but like with leadership, she hoped she would catch on. How hard could it be to stab someone?

Calix, on the other hand, was looking far too casual with a one shouldered toga that showed off most of his chest and no way to hide weapons anywhere on his body. Apparently he ignored her lecture that you can’t flirt someone to death in mortal combat.

"Good luck." Evie hugged Jay once she saw Jordan arrive. "Avoid Harry and the Gastons. And any of your exes."

"I don't have exes. We didn't date on the Isle, remember." Jay said, mock punching Evie on the shoulder, "I just have enemies that I slept with and never talked to again."

Ben and Mal joined the group before anyone could comment on that topic, not that Jordan knew exactly what to make of that piece of information, and they started their official goodbyes.

"We're only an ear chip away." Evie said handing each of them a small metallic chip that Carlos had made to place in their ear drum, "All you have to do is press and it turns on and off, and since Mal spelled it. It is guaranteed to work even when you close the barrier."

"Alright. Now where are we going first? Maleficent's castle? Ursula's fish and chips?” Jay clapped his hands together, clenching his fists for the undoubtedly upcoming fights.

"The jungle." Aziz, Calix and Jordan said in unison.

What?" Jay, and Mal looked utterly confused by the answer.

"Do you not check the group messages?" Jordan snorted derisively, "Anyway, we are going to the jungle first to fix some of the holes in the barrier. Since Evie said the jungle is unoccupied by humans, we won't be noticed and attacked by the Vks immediately. Calix and I will fix the holes so the Coven won't be able to have an escape route. Then we'll work our way inland to the Coven's laier and do battle."

"Oh, okay. But you’re wrong though on the jungle being unoccupied. Some people live in the jungle. Mainly hunters who wanted some fresh meat rather than the leftovers you give us." Jay corrected.

All the Aks tensed at that and Ben looked shamefaced to the floor.

Jay hadn't said the comment in a bitter or accusatory way, but matter of factly. Which made it sound worse. It was simply a fact of the Isle that if one got tired of rotten and disgusted food from the overprivilged that you had to face the dangerous wild jungle and kill for raw meat.

"You’ll fight those VKs off we meet them." Jordan instructed after an awkward silence. Then nodded to the others. "We're going now."

Aziz took the cue and rubbed her lamp that was snugly strapped to his hip. She hated the fact that she had to bring it to the Isle, but she had no choice. While she could do magic to in transporting herself places, when it came to performing magic on others it required a wish.

"I wish to transport to the jungle of the Isle."

Shimmery pink smoke enveloped them, wind rushing past their ears and moving their bodies even though it felt like their feet were still firmly on the ground. Once the smoke cleared, all they could see was shades of green and brown.

The green came from the leafy canopy and thickets of thorns that blocked the view of the sea while the brown was the dead grass that crumpled underfoot, the dead trees that fallen over to their left in a small pile and the holes of dirt.

Jay crouched by one of the holes, studying the edges. Standing up he informed them a hyena probably created it.

"Are hyenas nocturnal?" Calix eyed the hole nervously, looking around as if to find some sort of protective cave even though there was nothing but trees.

"Yes, but I wouldn't worry. Usually the leapords take care of them." Jay said ignoring Calix’s more distressed look and motioned for them to follow him into the trees. "Since we are near the coast, the cliffs should be close by here."

And so their journey began.

#cj hook #lady caine #jordan #jay #aziz #calix #prince ben #mal #evie #jane #winner’s curse #chapter eight #my fanfic #my fanfiction #disney descendants #freddie facilier #cjxfreddie #implied

10 notes · View notes

imayneverfindbreezy · 5 years

Text

CHAPTER 99

CHRIS

I am so happy my babies are born Gavroche and Eponine are beautiful I love all my kids so much. It’s now a month later its June 13 Erin’s birthday ever since the babies was born her, Blair, Rihanna and Teyana been working out like crazy, they will be in the house gym or go to a different one but Erin keep saying she wanna get back to her size before she got pregnant but I keep telling her that she looks great with the meat on her, and how much I love it. But she’ll just look at me and nod then start right back with working out. She has been having these mood swings with me a lot lately but I know its not her, it the cancer that is making her act crazy. Today is Erin’s birthday, me and the kids are in the kitchen getting her food ready.

“Can I have this?” CJ asked

“No that’s for your mommy come on” I said and we went up stairs to the room. Erin was sitting up feeding Eponine and when she saw us she started smiling as we sat the food on the side table. “Happy Birthday bae”

“Happy Birthday mommy” the twins says and Erin looks at the breakfast we sat on the table that made her smile.

“Awww thank you” she said and she starts to eat her breakfast and I finish feeding Eponine and Gavroche after we gave her, her gifts I sent her out for a spa day with her friends on me, then when she was done with that she came back to the house she was told to relax, and she did she played with the kids and just had fun. That night we was getting ready for her birthday dinner she told me she didn’t wanna have a party she just wanted a nice sit down dinner with her family and just close friends. I stood there staring at her while she put on her ear rings, then she turned around and looked at me.

“How do I look?” she asked she had on

“You look great bae come here” I said and she came I took her hand and put it on my dick letting her feel how hard I was and she giggled.

“I see you like it, well maybe later I’ll let you take it off of me with your teeth, yea” she said then sang the last part then hugged me and kissed me. After leaving the house with all the kids we was in the car and my phone went off of course I checked it.

*Wish you was here thanks for the trip*

I exited out of the text and focused on Erin pulling her close to me and kissed her. After about a hour drive we got to the venue where her birthday dinner is going to be and of course the fans was outside and the media she and I waved to them as we went in. Once in side we went to where her party was set up at, Erin eyes lite up when she saw it.

“Well?” I asked holding her hand and she looked and me smiled real big.

“This is perfect Chris baby thank you” she said and hugged me

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!” They all yelled and she went off hugging people of course they talked about her dress.

“Girl sexy ass dress I love it, I might need to borrow that dress for tour once I get me an ass” Rihanna said hugging her. After sitting down we all was talking laughing and eating I had some big planned for Erin that I knew she was going to love. After about an hour I walked Erin to this section and we sat down, as everyone turned their attention to the front of the room.

“What’s going on?” she asked and I kissed her.

“Just watch.” I said and she nodded the current opened up and he walked out.

“Suddenly I see

Suddenly it starts

Can two anxious hearts beat as one?

Yesterday I was alone

Today you walk beside me

Suddenly I see

What I could not see

Something suddenly

Has begun.” Hugh Jackman sings

“One day more!

Another day, another destiny.

This never-ending road to Calvary” Anne Hathaway sings

“These men who seem to know my crime

Will surely come a second time.

One day more” Hugh sings

“I dreamed a dream in time gone by

When hope was high

And life worth living” Anne sang

“One day more.” Hugh sings

[Eddie Redmayne & Amanda Seyfried sing]

“Tomorrow you’ll be worlds away

And yet with you, my world has started!”

[Samantha Barks sings]

“One more day all on my own.”

[Eddie Redmayne & Amanda Seyfried sing]

“Will we ever meet again?”

[Samantha Barks sings]

“One more day with him not caring.”

[Eddie Redmayne & Amanda Seyfried sing]

“I was born to be with you.”

[Samantha Barks sings] (Erin starts singing with them)

“What a life I might have known.”

[Eddie Redmayne & Amanda Seyfried sing]

“And I swear I will be true!”

[Samantha Barks sings]

“But he never saw me there!”

[Aaron Tveit sings]

“One more day before the storm!”

[Eddie Redmayne sings]

“Do I follow where she goes?”

[Aaron Tveit sings]

“At the barricades of freedom.”

[Eddie Redmayne sings]

Shall I join my brothers there?

[Aaron Tveit sings]

“When our ranks begin to form”

[Eddie Redmayne sings]

“ Do I stay; and do I dare?”

[Aaron Tveit sings]

“Will you take your place with me?”

“The time is now, the day is here” they sing together

[Hugh Jackman sings]

“One day more!”

[Russell Crowe sings] (I watch Erin stand up and is singing along)

“One day more to revolution,

We will nip it in the bud!

We’ll be ready for these schoolboys,

They will wet themselves with blood!”

[Hugh Jackman sings]

“One day more!”

[Sacha Baron Cohen & Helena Bonham Carter sing]

“ Watch ‘em run amuck,

Catch 'em as they fall,

Never know your luck

When there’s a free for all,

Here’s a little 'dip’

There a little 'touch’

Most of them are goners

So they won’t miss much!”

“One day to a new beginning Raise the flag of freedom high!

Every man will be a king

There’s a new world for the winning

There’s a new world to be won” Background singers sing

“Do you hear the people sing?” they all sing

[Eddie Redmayne sings]

“My place is here, I fight with you!”

[Hugh Jackman sings]

“One day more!”

[Eddie Redmayne & Amanda Seyfried sing]

“I did not live until today.”

[Samantha Barks sings]

“One more day all on my own!”

[Eddie Redmayne & Amanda Seyfried sing]

“How can I live when we are parted?”

[Russell Crowe (overlapping)]

“We will join these people’s heroes

We will follow where they go

We will learn their little secrets,

We will know the things they know.”

[Hugh Jackman sings]

“ One day more!”

[Eddie Redmayne & Amanda Seyfried sing]

“Tomorrow you’ll be worlds away”

[Samantha Barks sings]

“What a life I might have known!”

[Eddie Redmayne & Amanda Seyfried sing]

“ And yet with you my world has started”

[Russell Crowe sing (overlapping)]

“One more day to revolution

We will nip it in the bud

We’ll be ready for these schoolboys”

[Sacha Baron Cohen & Helena Bonham Carter sing (overlapping)]

“Watch 'em run amok

Catch 'em as they fall

Never know your luck

When there’s a free-for-all!”

[Hugh Jackman sings]

“Tomorrow we’ll be far away,

Tomorrow is the judgement day”

“Tomorrow we’ll discover

What our God in Heaven has in store!

One more dawn

One more day

One day more!” they all sing and everyone stands up and claps for them.

“Chris oh my God” she said and hugged and kissed me tight.

“Happy Birthday bae” I said then she started to walk towards the stage but I stopped her. “Let’s go this way” I took her hand and we walk to a closed off side of the party and went in.

“Why are we sitting in here when they are out there?” she asked sitting down.

“Wait a few minutes please” I said after about 10 minute the cast walked in and Erin stood up clapping for them, as they all walked in.

“OH MY GODNESS, I can’t believe I’m meeting you all” she said and she started to hug them all one by one and they was tell her Happy Birthday. So we all sat down she was sitting in the middle of Hug Jackman and Russell Crowe with the biggest smile on her face.

“I’m sorry for my clothes if I would have known yall was going to be here I would have worn something less stripperish” she said and we started laughing.

“No it’s fine it’s your birthday” Hugh said and she was smiling even harder.

“How did yall know I mean how I’m speechless” she said

“Well Chris got in touch with the director of the movie and asked if he could get in touch with one of us, mainly me” Russell said and everyone laughed. “But no that if he could get in touch with us cause he wanted us to do One More Day for his wife’s birthday and once we was told and we was told who you was we all said yes”

“Yes I been to your charity lunch before you had so many people there that you didn’t notice I guess but when I saw it was the woman that’s the face of cancer awareness and how your always doing for others I had to say yes” Samantha said.

“This movie is my favorite, after I let Chris watch it with me he fell in love with Gavroche and Eponine he was like if we have another child we have to name them one of those names. So we end up having twins just last month and we named them Gavroche Javert Brown and Eponine Cosette Brown” she said and they started laughing.

“True fans” Russell said

“Yes sir, I can’t believe I’m sitting here with yall thank you again this is a day I will never in my life ever forget” she said After that we party some more the cast left all but Hug Jackman and Russell Crowe they stayed a little longer and had fun with us. Erin even danced a few times with Russell Crowe then they had to leave but the dinner went on and Erin had a blast. She even loved her birthday gift, a new car, I knew She wanted.

ERIN

After getting home from a wonderful birthday, we put the kids to bed and was in the room Chris was hugging me and kissing me, his hands grabbed my ass while we kiss. And we have the most wonderful freakiest sex ever, my baby put it down for my birthday.

*ONE MONTH LATER*

I was in the house by myself today cause the older twins was with Keeis and Zaria playing with Lil Keeis and PJ was with Peter cause Peter was going to be going off doing a few shows and wasn’t going to be able to be here to see him so he had him for the weekend and the youngest twins was with Marie and Kid cause Marie found out she was pregnant and want some type of practices with babies so they was going to have them over night. Chris wasn’t here he had to go to the studio to help out Kid Ink with a song and was going to come right home when he got done so we can got get something to eat. I was cleaning up today I was feeling good today no pain well not pain to the point where I needed my crutches but it was a pain that I got used to it. I got done cleaning the kids room and I was in me and Chris’s room picking up his dirty clothes when I came across a cell phone, I looked at it lost cause I know I just spoke to him on his phone.

I looked at it and it didn’t have a locked on it so I went thru it and what I saw was unbelievable, it was picture after picture of Kendra I couldn’t believe it.

And There was text msges between him and the contact name said Mario but the only Mario I know of is Kid but why would he be under Mario and Kid, so I opened up the last one which was the day before yesterday.

Mario-“Thanks for last night; I really appreciate it”

Chris-“No problem babe”

Mario-“Do you think you could give me that big daddy dick tonight? (;”

Dialing Mario.

“Damn baby, you just called me 3 hours ago, I’m on my way to your house now be there in 20 mins?” a female voice said

“Who is this?” I asked

“Hold the fuck up, this is Kendra, who is this?” Kendra asked…Click…

I couldn’t think I just got my keys and left the house getting in my car I drove a hour and 10 minutes all the way to Chris’s old place and sure enough there was his car and there was a red corvette. I got out and went to the door unlocking it and going in. I stood there looking at the stairs debating if I really wanted to go up them and see what the fuck was going on, before I could think my legs was moving up the stairs and I walked to the room where I could clearly hear moaning. I opened the door and walked in and stood there and my heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest I saw Chris fucking Kendra.

“Shit this shit feels good baby” Chris moaned I stood there and no tears came out I stood there more so in shock. Til I finally was able to say something.

“OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD CHRIS, CHRIS” I screamed and this made them stop and Chris looked at Kendra and then looked back and saw me standing there.

“Shit Bae, wait” he said moving off of Kendra who grabbed the cover pulling it over her. Chris grabbed his sweat pants putting them on.

“CHRIS HOW COULD YOU” I screamed and took my ring off and throw it at him and took off out the room, I don’t even remember my feet touching the stairs or even going out the door, I could hear Chris calling my name. I didn’t even want to look at him, let alone talk to him. He broke my heart, just like the rest of them did. I was on the verge of tears, and I got in my car and took off not looking back to see if I saw Chris or not I drove all the way to my Mom and Pat’s house which was a hour and a half drive there. Once I got in the house I walked in then I dropped to the floor and just cried, trying to catch my breath.

“Erin what has happened?” my Mom said rushed over to me, helping me up off the floor.

“He… He” I couldn’t talk; I just broke down into more floods of tears.

“Come here Erin, it’s okay baby” my Mom said as she cuddled me, holding me tight. After half an hour of crying, I finally calmed myself down. We sat on the couch and I took medicine for my headache that occurred from crying too much. My eyes were red and puffy and I sat there.

“Tell me Erin what’s wrong please” my Mom said, patting my shoulder. I nodded and took a deep breath.

“Chris is cheating on me with that bitch Kendra” I said as I tilted my head back, biting my lip, trying to stop myself from crying again.

“No, Erin no” my Mom said

“Yes I just left his house where he was fucking that bitch, mommy” I cried and my Mom pulled me into a tight hug and Pat walked in looking at us.

“What’s wrong?” Pat asked

“Erin just caught Chris cheating on her at his old place.” My Mom said and Pat nodded and turned around picking up the keys to my car and leaving the house.

KIDRED

I was at Chris’s house his old place it was me, Mijo, Keeis, Aaron, Jamal and Gonzo I don’t know where Hood and Austin was but Chris called us and told us what happen I couldn’t believe it we was all standing on the balcony Chris was smoking a blunt and I was just in shock that he was fucking that girl knowing she was only using him, but for him to cheat on Erin I never saw that shit coming.

“She won’t even answer her phone and let me explain” Chris said.

“You really think she should come on are you that stupid?” Mijo asked looking at him.

“Man whatever that’s my wife man I love her” he said

“Well you got a hell of a way of showing it” Mijo said shaking his head.

“Where Hood and Austin at?” he asked

“I don’t known” I said shrugging mu shoulders.

“I think they with Erin right now” Keeis said. I guess it’s clear to see who’s side they are on with this. We heard the door open and close.

“That must be them” I said then Pat came walking fast towards us more so towards Chris and drew his fist back and punched Chris twice in the face.

“PAT NO” we all yelled and tried to stop him but it didn’t work he just shook us off like it wasn’t nothing, he then punch Chris 2 more time then picked him up and hung him over the balcony, I never seen Pat like this and I never seen Chris so scared he was screaming for Pat not to drop him.

“YOU THINK IT’S OKAY TO CHEAT ON MY DAUGHTER AND BREAK HER HEART HUH. I WENT TO BAT FOR YOU SAYING YOU WAS A GOOD GUY AND YOU CHANGED AND YOU FUCKING CHEAT I SHOULD DROP YOUR ASS RIGHT NOW, FUCK YOU” Pat yelled while he held Chris over the balcony threatening to drop him.

“Pat don’t he ain’t worth you going to prison for” Mijo said in a rather calm voice while the rest of us was freaking out. I guess what he said made sense to him cause he pulled Chris back over and dropped him to the floor and left not before punching him one more time and walking out and Mijo left with him, Chris sat there putting his head in his hands and cried.

ERIN

The day after I was at the house the kids was taking a nap and I was in the room with Blair, Marie, Zaria, Dani, Kae and Rihanna. Of course they all knew what happen and came by the house to sit with me and be with me.

“I’m so tired of this tired of this man lying to me about everything and I’m not this person who let’s someone brain wash them, my mother taught me better than this. And I don’t wanna go thru this no more. I mean he gotta give a damn he got to but I’m so sick of his lies and his bullshit I won’t go on believing him anymore this whole marriage had been a lie he’s been seeing another bitch on the side for months, fucking months and the motherfucker got sloppy with the shit, I mean he haves 2 phones what motherfucker leaves the phone in their pants pocket unlocked and have this bitch texting you and sending your dumbass pictures like where the fuck they do that at.” I cried

“You will get thru this and you will bounce back from this and become a stronger person because of it” Kae said

“I got a little bit of time left on this earth and it won’t be wasted on him, HIM on FUCKING HIM I’ve fucking had it, HAD IT fuck him. He will see I’m not the one to be fucking with I got something for his cheating ass.” I said wiping my tears.

“Erin wait breath” Rihanna said

“I trusted him and I feel like he played me, played the fuck out of me. If Chris thinks there’s a tiny glimmer of hope for us he’s sadly mistaken. I was always hungry for love. Just once, I wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it – to be fed so much love I couldn’t take any more. Just once. You know I waited up all night but Chris wasn’t even man enough to come home and face me” I say

“I’m so sorry Erin” Marie says and I look at my phone.

“Mail box full, I bet it is” I say

“No time like the present” Blair says

“No I don’t wanna hear anything from him.“ I say. "I can’t believe him like really I’ve been too good to him, so good and he cheats on me with that, with her like really I can’t believe this. I gave him my heart I gave him 4 babies and she was able to take my fucking husband, whenever she wanted” I aid

“Not trying to make light of what he did but the pictures was it just her sending them?” Zaria asked

“No it was pictures he took of her” I said and went to the phone opened it up showing different pictures.

“Oh My God no Chris” Blair said as she walked away from me.

“Wow I can’t believe him” Teyana said

“This not ok, it’s not the worst part is he wouldn’t even come home to face me, to talk about it to explain himself nothing, nothing at all” I said

“Waan, Waan” Gavroche cried on the baby monitor and I left the room and went to him and just held him and broke down in tears.

*2 WEEKS LATER*

CHRIS

I stayed at my old place I haven’t spoken or seen Erin since that day. I did call her but she didn’t answer I fucked up, I know it but I guessed I’d give her sometime, to cool off then I’ll go and talk to her. Right now I was headed to my lawyer’s office he called and told me to come by.

And my face has healed up, from the assault from Pat and lets just say he did what he did as a father to protect his daughter. I would do the samething to protect my girls but a week ago, I got a call from him and he quit as my bodyguard. I didn’t see that coming to be honest, and I haven’t heard from Hood, Austin or Mijo after what happen. When Mijo left I didn’t hear from him at all, I called all of them but they didn’t answer. I guess I know where their loyalty lies. Once at my lawyer’s office we greeted each other and he handed me some paper work.

“What’s this?” I asked and I looked at it.

“It’s divorce papers Erin’s lawyer faxed them to me yesterday” Mark said

“WHAT? No, no” I said

“We can contest it” Mark said

“No in that pre nup that her ass wrote said that if we wanna get a divorce we have to first spend a week together to see if we can’t work it out. That’s what she wrote in it. So that’s what we’re going to do, so tell her lawyer to let Erin know she has to do it and I’ll see her in my house in Virginia tomorrow” I said and left the office. She has to give me this week and I know I’ll get her to forgive me and give me another chance cause I can’t lose my family over some bitch.

3 notes · View notes

julia-calbario090197-blog · 6 years

Text

To my Petmalodi classmates

We are one.

We are one whether we are in a good or bad situation; whether we are in an Exams-are-coming-but-no-review-at-all situation or in a ‘May research na naman. Boycot na tayo’ situation.

We’ve been through many challenges and I can’t believe that we’re just only a one step away and finally, we will now become Senior High school students. We will now leave our beautiful classroom in DOST. We will now leave our playmates which are the grade 9 gold students. But before that, I want to leave a message to all of you.

Starting in 3..2..1..

Andal, Joshua – The Loverboy

You’re a great dancer and you’re very serious in your studies. You are difficult to spell. You change your mood from time to time. Sometimes, you’re very serious. Sometimes, you are not. Sometimes, you are so quiet. Sometimes, you are suddenly shouting or making noises with no reason at all.

Andrade, Cj ¬¬– Mr. Organizer

You look like an organizer of an event. We often call you ‘pakboi’ because of how you dress.

Antonio, Andrew – The Genius

You are good at everything. I am amazed by how you think. Continue aiming to be on top and surely, you will achieve success.

Bacud, Kenneth – The Funny one

You lift up the mood of the class and you never fail in making us laugh with your jokes and your actions. Continue making amazing films.

Ballad, Ronnie – The Black and White-haired guy

You’re very confident when you speak English in front of the class even though you blurt out words that are out of this world.

p.s. Your “Humbleness” will be remembered.

Castillo, Laurence – Kang Daniel’s Greatest Love

You talk a lot. You dance a lot. You shout a lot. You eat a lot but you are still the stick man that I know. I know that you still have a good side even though you bully me a lot.

Cusipag, Freidrich – Small but terrible

You are good at memorizing that’s why we can rely on you when it comes to quizzes. Thank you for the answers. I will remember your kindess. Haha

Dayrit, Karlos – Silent but deadly

You are the silent one in the class. You are often seen at the corner, as if you have your own world. But despite of your silence, you are good in making ideas and you do things on your own.

De la Cuesta – Mr. I-know-it-all

You are good at drawing and playing piano. You often say I know this and that, even though you don’t know it at all. And also, try to stop making stories that are not real or true at all. Continue your passion in drawing and keep dreaming high.

Diaz, Daryll – The Pachill-chill lang

You are that one type of person that remains relaxed and chill even though people around you are rushing and cramming. I know that you can do more things if you try to be serious sometimes.

Herbert, Harvey – Mr. Mole

We’ve been classmates for four years and I must say that you changed a lot (except your mole. JOKE). You grew up well and you became more cheerful and friendly. You are great at drawing, dancing (?), and writing essays and such. Pursue what you want in your life and make the most out of it.

Matammu, John Roe – Sena

One thing good about you is you share words of God to us and you serve Him with all of your mind, heart, and soul.

You are the one who popularized the word sena (short for eksena) inside the classroom.

p.s. Thumbs up for your ‘Sena’.

Malana, Kharl Emil – The Floating Polo

You are very friendly and easy to approach. You are also clingy and you are close to girls.

Mallillin, Jonard – Avid fan of Volleyball

I have known you as a good volleyball player and singer so keep honing your skills and nurturing your talents, you have it in you after all.

Maguddayao, Ryan – Mr. Heartthrob

You know how to express your ideas when you recite. You are an intelligent person and many girls and boys admire you because of your looks.

Santias, Timios – Mr. President

I want to say thank you to you for leading the class well. Thank you for your efforts and sacrifices. You did a good job as our president.

Portillo, Felmar – The One who posts his jokes on Twitter

I wanna hear more jokes from you. You are a good friend and you are doing a great job as an EIC of Bagwis.

Pelagio, Whesley – The ‘ Always late but on time magmomoving-up’

You are the type of person that comes to school on second period.

You are a short-tempered person. You are also sensitive. Don’t let your anger push you to hurt someone physically. Try to prolong your patience.

Villanueva, Kliff Yran – The Pabebe Kid

You’re always acting pabebe and it’s annoying sometimes. I always hear you praising yourself that you are handsome. I often hear you ranting about your crushes.

Be careful also on the words you say and choose your words because you might offend or hurt someone.

Addatu, Darylle Anne – You’re always laughing as if you don’t have problems. You’re a simple and kin-hearted girl.

Andres, Kryssha mae – Girl in the mirror

Thank you for inviting us to the wedding of your sister. We ate a lot. I saw you dancing the song Girl in the mirror during the wedding and I was amazed. Haha. Keep dancing and stay as you are.

Articulo, Judee – You are a smart and pretty lady. Continue to achieve what you want in life and be proud of your achievements.

Bassig, Janae – You are a girl with a good heart. You interact well to others and you are friendly and approachable.

Benos, Buena Jane – The Palaban

We’ve been together for four long years and I admire you for your fighting spirit. You do things on your own way. You are very enthusiastic and the word ‘giving up’ is not on your vocabulary. You are very open with your feelings. Stay who you are. Love youu

Binarao, Maria angelica – You are beautiful inside and out. You are a good friend and you’re very humble.

Bitanga, Karen – We’re classmates since elementary yet I only know a bit about you. You are still the Karen that I know. I didn’t that you can draw well. Keep drawing and soar high.

Calvo, Angelica Marie – The laughing machine

Your laugh will be remembered. You have the loudest and the most unique laugh in the whole class. You’re the type of girl who laughs at small things. Continue to soar high and achieve your dreams.

Cardenas, Salve – Don’t lose hope. Keep fighting with no fear. There are a lot of people who really love you despite of what you are going through and what you really feel.

Castro, Christelle – The Shining Essayist

Don’t mind the criticisms of others. I know you more than they know you. I know what you can do and what you really deserve. You deserve the best.

Doctolero, Kristel – Continue being the Doki that we always know even if we bully you a lot.

Durian, Samantha – You are always smiling and sometimes, you do crazy things together with Naiza.

Ganac, Naiza – You radiate with so much positivity, keep on having those bright smiles and cheered up laughter that will lighten up moods.

Genoveza, Jeanelle -- You are a girl with the beauty and brains. Continue being humble and kind to others.

Guzman, Grace – The High-pitched Queen of Pageants

You have the confidence to walk on stage and show them what you got. You want to do the things you want to do like making us laugh with your high-pitched voice that echoes around DOST.

Guiyab, Editha – You can stand on your own feet and you can fight for yourself when someone is fighting you.

Matammu, Nina – You shine brightly and continue that. Keep on proving others, stay as that one person who will always be at the battle front.

Manalo, Karissa – The Happy virus

You are one of the sources of happiness inside the classroom. You do not care about how you look as long as you can make the people around you happy.

Narag, Abcd – As your Mom have said, #NoFear, don’t be afraid to take risks. I know that you are somehow pressured but just shake it off, you’ve proven your worth. And I know you will still in the coming years.

Raralio, Kathrina – I know that you’ve been through many things and many things will come your way still so allow me to cheer you up. Keep on fighting the inner and outer battles you are facing. You can do it.

Salva, Shanyleigh – Although you are very open, I know that there’s still more of you than the Shany that we know. I just wish we could’ve known you more.

Tamaray, Ayra – You are very friendly and approachable, keep being like that because I believe that makes you you.

Tapiru, Jemarie –Thank you for the answers you have shared. Lol. Continue your talent in drawing and continue being a good person.

Tan, Kezia – Thank you for your jokes, even if some were corny, they still lightened moods and eased up the atmosphere. Keep on laughing and smiling more.

Tattao, Katreena – I know you’ve been through many ups and downs but you remained strong and you faced them with courage. You chose to be happy and you chose the correct path which made you the better you now.

Tabbu, Precious – You like to enjoy things together with your friends. I always see the three of you running after each other around DOST, playing hide and seek.

Tuliao, Joanna – As our year level increases, our height remains constant. I’ll pray for our sudden boost of height.

This will serve as a goodbye to all of you guys. I know this is not the end, we will all meet soon.

5 notes · View notes

deadcactuswalking · 3 years

Text

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 23/01/2021 (Anne-Marie, Juice WRLD, Young Thug)

The site I use for this show has refused to update – which is fine, it’s probably run by one guy and/or their bots – which means I had to go on the UK Singles Chart page from the Official Charts Company for information, and man, I hate that site. Anyway, despite a big #2 debut and a big remix at #3, “drivers license” by Olivia Rodrigo stays steady at #1 for a second week, which shows us a little sliver of how much longevity this song could have – and it’s good too, so I’m glad. Anyway, time for more apathy. Let’s start REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

I feel like, especially recently, debuts don’t really stick at all. We have many songs gradually falling below the chart this week, and they place into either two categories: songs that I wished would go away already, and songs that debuted last week. Out of the debuts from last week still on the chart, we have three notable gains and four of the opposite, making this actually an okay week for debuts, but it still feels like people have not got time for new music right now, which is honestly understandable. Out of those debuts, “Streets” by Doja Cat surges up to #20, “Notorious” by Bugzy Malone and Chip drops to #39, “Best Friend” by Saweetie featuring Doja Cat is down to #42, “Regardless” by RAYE and Rudimental unfortunately is up to #51, alongside an even more unfortunate gain for “Chemtrails Over the Country Club” by Lana Del Rey at #58 (Please, don’t make this a hit). That’s it for gains for our debuts last week, as “Vibez” by ZAYN couldn’t even gain from an album boost down to #62 and “WW2” by Unknown T makes the expected second-week drill dive to #63. Our other gains aren’t much to discuss either, although I’ll admit I actually kind of like “You’re Mines Still” by Yung Bleu and remixed by Drake up to #47 (I do really want to see this as a hit). I don’t like, however, the two deep house pastiches at #15 and #16, “Goosebumps” by HVME and “The Business” by Tiesto. What’s even worse is that “Goosebumps”, a remix of Travis Scott’s song, now has a Travis Scott remix, so that remix remix could land this in the top 10 next week. What might not be is also a remix: “34+35” by Ariana Grande featuring Doja Cat and Megan Thee Stallion up to #3. It was doing okay before the remix so it could stay here but I don’t see the remix as a replacement for the original so it could falter from #3. Of course, we do have other notable fallers, mostly pointless to list and a couple weeks too long on the chart, so I’ll split it into two once again: “Go away, please” and “Go away, but maybe later”. In the first category, we have “Whoopty” by CJ at #9, “Blinding Lights” by The Weeknd at #23, “Head & Heart” by Joel Corry and MNEK at #25, “Mood” by 24kGoldn and iann dior at #28, “positions” by Ariana Grande at #33, “Midnight Sky” by Miley Cyrus at #41, “See Nobody” by Wes Nelson and Hardy Caprio at #48. “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi at #52, “Lonely” by Justin Bieber and benny blanco at #53, “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles at #54, “Looking for Me” by Paul Woodford, Diplo and Kareen Lomax at #55, “Take You Dancing” by Jason Derulo at #64, “Diamonds” by Sam Smith at #67, “Tick Tock” by Clean Bandit, Mabel and 24kGoldn at #72 and “Lasting Lover” by Sigala and James Arthur at #74. I like a fair few of these songs but I’d like some new blood in the charts, like the second category of songs that seem to have started dropping out prematurely: “Therefore I Am” by Billie Eilish at #22, “Loading” by Central Cee at #25, “What You Know Bout Love” by the late Pop Smoke at #45, “Forever Young” by Becky Hill at #57, “Plugged In” by Fumez the Engineer and A92 at #59, “champagne problems” by Taylor Swift at #65, “Body” by Megan Thee Stallion at #68, “pov” by Ariana Grande at #70, “Love is a Compass” by Griff at #71 and, finally, since I only cover the top 75, “Your New Boyfriend” by Wilbur Soot at #73. We have one return here, and that’s for a song that’s a couple years old but from a new star: Olivia Rodrigo’s “All I Want” returning to #32, from the High School Musical: The Musical: The Series: The Soundtrack which I had assumed was new initially but did peak at #72 prior to this. The song’s fine, but I don’t review returning entries, and honestly it’s even more of a Disney teen-pop ballad that “drivers license” is, so I don’t find much point in making exceptions. Note to self to edit the drop-outs in whenever you know what they are.

Edit: The notable drop-outs are “HOLIDAY” by Lil Nas X, “Princess Cuts” by Headie One featuring Young T & Bugsey, “no body, no crime” by Taylor Swift featuring HAIM, “Ain’t it Different” by Headie One featuring AJ Tracey and Stormzy, “Savage Love (Laxed - Siren Beat)” by Jason Derulo and Jawsh 685, “Show Out” by Kid Cudi, Skepta and the late Pop Smoke, and “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac.

NEW ARRIVALS

#60 – “Friday (Dopamine Re-Edit)” – Riton and Nightcrawlers featuring Mufasa & Hypeman

Produced by Riton

“Push the Feeling On” is a song by Scottish collective Nightcrawlers that is known much more commonly for its classic deep house remix by American DJ MK, which would be known now for how much it’s been sampled in pop music: You’ve probably heard the synth riff or vocal chop in “Hotel Room Service” by Pitbull, “Dinner Guest” by AJ Tracey and MoStack, “Wiggle It” by French Montana and City Girls, “House Party” by MIST and Fredo, or even “Nightcore in tha Club” by Viper of all people. So, 20 or so years later, here comes English DJ Riton making another official remix alongside dually-credited Musafa & Hypeman, who I guess are social media influencers from articles I see about them. That would explain why this is charting... but yeah, this is lazy. A female vocalist sings “It’s Friday, Saturday, Sunday again” to the melody of the classic vocal loop, and the rest of the song is a worthless and artless “future house” track made for no-one, with Musafa & Hypeman delivering nothing more than obnoxious skits and faint ad-libs. I’ll admit, the second verse where it suddenly drops into her vocals over the haunting vibration of bass is inspired, but it goes nowhere. It uses the same drop as the original MK remix and if it isn’t, it uses a vocaloid drop that sounds way too similar to blackbear’s “hot girl bummer” for my liking. Once you hear it, you may not unhear it – although I doubt you’d come back to this song for any reason other than clicking the wrong song when looking for the original MK remix, which is still great. This, however, is useless.

#50 – “Skengman” – Ghetts featuring Stormzy

Produced by Ten Billion Dreams

This is actually Ghetts’ first ever track to hit this chart as a lead solo act and that shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. Whilst Ghetts is very important to grime and his mixtapes are considered classics, he’s not exactly the peak of commercial success – and is somewhat infamous for said squandering as he released a diss track against MTV for not thinking he was that great of an MC – which wasn’t exactly helped by beef with the Boy Better Know collective. It makes a lot of sense for him to ride off the coattails of the new generation of English rappers and make a drill-adjacent track with Stormzy, the track’s namesake. It also makes sense for this to be good: we have some pretty ominous keys and horns that sound great under this cold and minimal trap beat, relying less on percussion than it does the eerie strings. Sure, the chorus is pretty awkward and tired, with Ghetts not selling it nearly as he well as he does the verses, which even then are off-kilter. The second verse – by Stormzy – is where this song really shines, as gorgeous vocal samples combine with the rise of the strings, looming 808s and Stormzy’s deep contrast of a voice before the beat drops and Stormzy lets out his best flows. Honestly, after Stormzy’s verse, not even a beat shift really makes Ghetts’ other two verses worthwhile, as his just seem short and ineffective, even if the beat is going to keep on intensifying with these incredible strings and horns – lest we forget the choir of “Skengmen” behind him on the chorus. I really wish this was a solo Stormzy track, with no disrespect to Ghetts, who just feels out of place if anything. This could have been a lot better.

#49 – “Lumidee” – Chip featuring Young M.A. and Young Adz

Produced by the Fanatix

Most of our new arrivals are hip-hop or hip-hop-related, so of course whenever we see Stormzy, I guess we have to have a Chip song the same day. Is that beef still going on? Regardless, this is a very different song, named after the artist behind the awkward, minimal R&B sample used here. Listen, I like 2000s R&B, but “Never Leave You (Uh Oooh, Uh Oooh)” is just a fatal misunderstanding of what makes Timbaland’s production good. Surely that would make any reworking an improvement, especially with these subtle strings and guitars under a dancehall beat just as awkward as the original. Oh, and I call the strings subtle because it’s not like Young Adz could ever be, or Chip for that matter, as both of them deliver stiff, ugly performances about how the sex is spectacular... but also how they want this woman to treat them kindly after they cheat on her because they buy her nice things. “They” of course being everyone here, as Chip plays the same role as Adz – who only grabs the chorus – and hell, I think Young M.A., who could deliver a narrative here that criticises Chip’s attitude, just expresses the same ideas. I’ll admit that M.A.’s flow and cadence is a lot smoother, less nasally Auto-Tuned and honestly kind of good, but this honestly, much like “Skengman”, reeks of missed potential. A dancehall back-and-forth about love that means nothing but sex and materialism sounds fun on paper but nothing’s really done with it here, which is what I’d expect from these guys in all honesty. It’s weird and kind of cool to see Young M.A. on the UK Singles Chart again (She appeared on an Eminem track around this time last year too), though, so I’ll give it that.

#44 – “Pinging (6 Figures)” – Central Cee

Produced by ItchyDaProducer

Well, we can now add Central Cee to the drill guys that spark a top 50 hit out of nowhere every couple weeks. I actually quite like “Loading” mostly because of the fusion of hard 808s with those slick horn samples. As an aside, the Genius.com page for “Loading” has a comment saying the beat is “disgusting” that has a ton of downvotes, probably because of some sort of disconnect between cultures and audiences. This new track is a lot less interesting, though, relying on a really cheap guitar loop, but otherwise I do think the drill percussion works here, especially with the sliding 808s and Central Cee’s pretty constant delivery. I can’t really say he’s saying anything of interest other than the fact he supposedly turned down a six-figure record deal to stay independent, which of course is the chorus, so it’s not like this is great, or even good, but it makes the best out of a bad loop, and I can respect that, especially with piano touches, although this apparently sounds like another beat Itchy’s made so I’m not sure if that deserves much praise either. You know, I really thought Central Cee could have been on to something with the jazzier touches, but once again, this is missed potential.

#37 – “Wellerman” – The Longest Johns

Produced by ???

There aren’t any producer credits for this one, though I’m not sure to how much extent you can “produce” a sea shanty. It’s not often for this show that I can say a song that debuted is from the 1800s, but this song dates back to around 1833, where the Weller Brothers and their “Wellerman” ships became the most important merchant traders in New Zealand, operating mostly through their base in Otago. Naturally, sea shanties are sang at sea but it’s seldom seen that said songs surge up as singles on Spotify. Thanks to TikTok, however, this 2018 cover by the Longest Johns, a folk group from Bristol, debuted in the top 40. There’s no instrumentation, so this is just an a-capella cover, with some genuinely great vocal harmonisation, even if these guys aren’t great singers – not that you have to be to sing sea shanties. The end product is a pretty fun track about wishing for a supply ship to come whilst whaling, and that they hope to come home soon – or something like that. Look, I hope this doesn’t stick around even though I have the feeling it will. It’s not a bad song at all and the guys are talented, but come on, guys, it’s a sea shanty from TikTok. As that damn app still runs a lot of the charts, though, I suppose I should embrace this, because it is harmless, and that’s really all there is to it.

#31 – “Bad Boy” – Juice WRLD and Young Thug

Produced by Pi’erre Bourne

Now, I’m usually cynical about posthumous releases from Jarad, and I was initially for this, but it has been in circulation as a leak and it was also completely finished with a music video produced before his death by Cole Bennett of Lyrical Lemonade, who directed a lot of Juice’s earlier videos (including “Lucid Dreams”). It has Young Thug on the second verse and Pi’erre Bourne on production so I can’t be mad at this at all. As long as these posthumous projects from now on don’t have tacked-on features and are surrounded by collaborations from only his genuine friends who cared for him, I have no issue with them going on – even if I’d prefer for all of his demos to be released with proceeds going to charity (which should be done with most if not all artists after their passing unless they have an album on the way). It helps that this song isn’t just respectful, but it’s incredible. The hard trap beat from Pi’erre has this great squealing guitar and noisy synth blend that kicks ass whenever it comes in, especially when at odds with the more casual bleeping in the verses. Juice’s chorus is infectious and fast-paced, exactly how he should be on his “banger” tracks, but his verses are really a genius blend between his melodic and technical skills that I wish I heard more from Juice when he was alive. Oh, and Young Thug has what might be verse of the year, with smooth flow switches as always, unique inflections as always as well as playing with the beat perfectly as he drops the nasal screech of his “skrrt!” ad-libs amidst a more simple, intense flow by the end – with the addition of that squealing guitar. Is the content unique? Maybe not, as this is mostly flexing over an explosive trap beat, but there are enough quotable rhymes and vocal deliveries that make this more than honestly the sum of its parts, as out of context I don’t think this beat, this feature or Juice’s hook could work nearly as well as they do. As is, however, this is one of Juice’s best songs, hell, even one of Thugger’s best – and he has a strong discography – so, yeah, for the part of me that appreciates ignorant, stupid-hard trap-rap, this clicked. I hope it’s a hit and even if it isn’t, this is one of the best send-offs they could have chosen for Juice, and I’m just glad it’s finally met an official release.

#2 – “Don’t Play” – Anne-Marie, KSI and Digital Farm Animals

Produced by Mojam and Digital Farm Animals

“Bad Boy” seems like it should be the big story here, as it’s a massive lead and/or final posthumous single from one of the biggest rappers in history featuring another A-list that is getting a lot of praise and YouTube views... but alas, this is the UK, so here’s KSI and Anne-Marie. Is this KSI-Digital Farm Animals collaboration going anywhere? He had a similar one last year with “Really Love” featuring Craig David and that was kind of big – still is – and I think also debuted at #2 behind a really strong #1. They also had awkward, ugly cartoon cover arts, so maybe this is a collaborative project between KSI and the EDM producers? Well, “producer”, because Digital Farm Animals is actually just one guy. I think I honestly wouldn’t mind that considering how better KSI pulls off rapping over EDM than hip-hop. Anne-Marie is filling Craig David’s role, although this time with a verse and lead billing, so it could be from an upcoming album that may or may not exist. Honestly, who cares? Is the song good? No, the chorus is lazy, the UK garage-adjacent beat is cheap and KSI gets outshined in his verse both performance and mixing-wise by orchestra hits. Is the content interesting? Well, KSI’s lyrics are supposedly subliminal disses towards other YouTubers, which annotators on Genius have “marked as a stretch”, only to be met with downvotes from fans because of course, they would. Is it catchy? I guess so, that is the purpose. Hence, we have an inoffensive pop song from three artists who have made better but mostly through freak accident. Top 10 material? Probably not, but the charts are weak and it’s the UK so you can’t really expect much more. Also, why does this have an extended version?

Conclusion

Whilst I’m writing this conclusion, the site I use still has yet to update, so I’ll actually have to do a Kanye in 2016 and edit this post-release for the top 10 and drop-outs. For now, though, I can pretty solidly give Best of the Week to “Bad Boy” by the late Juice WRLD and Young Thug, with an Honourable Mention to I guess “Wellerman” by the Longest Johns for at least being different, although most of these debuts reek of missed potential. “Wellerman” could have been a lot more jaunty with actual instrumentation, “Don’t Play” could have replaced Anne-Marie with an actual personality, Ghetts could have gone in harder on “Skengman” and the beat in “Pinging (Six Figures)” could have actually existed. Therefore, the songs with the least potential are the victims here, as Dishonourable Mention goes to Chip, Young Adz and Young M.A. for “Lumidee” and Worst of the Week goes to “Friday (Dopamine Re-Edit)” by like, four complete nobodies, honestly, I do not see the purpose in that song existing at all. Well, here’s the top 10 for this week – or at least it will be here in a couple hours:

I can’t make any solid predictions for next week other than Billie Eilish and ROSALIA, maybe Lil Skies? You can follow me @cactusinthebank if you’re vaguely interested in doing so, thank you for reading, and I’ll see you next week.

0 notes

persuadedproject-blog · 7 years

Text

Chapter 12

Anne spent her last two days in Uppercross at the Great House, and she had the satisfaction of knowing she was useful there. A busy day, even if you’re exhausted at the end, is worthwhile if you know for sure your efforts are actually needed. Every decision that has to be made, each minute of work takes on a sheen of its own. Mary and Charles’ boys had been enrolled in yet another weeklong summer camp - the first one had been for soccer, this one was for Nature Explorers. Anne guessed that CJ would enjoy his time in the woods, and Watler would occupy himself with stealing all the chocolate and marshmallows in sight.

So Anne’s main job was to help the Musgroves operate home base. Mr. Musgrove had to come back from Beaufort for work, but between lack of sleep and having to deal with his daughter’s mortality, he was in poor condition to make clear-headed decisions.

Early on the morning after the accident, Anne woke up on the musgrove’s couch to her phone buzzing, coming alive with updates from Charles. She stretched, pushed a sequined throw pillow away from her cheek, and once her bleary eyes could focus, read through the messages. In summary: Louise was about the same. Nothing had gotten worse, but she had talked a little. The doctor was going to run the same tests first thing, and if she felt up to it, get her propped up by the end of the day. Charles could not shout the Harville’s praises loudly enough, especially Maria.

‘She sat up with L all night, has left Mary with nothing to do. Which is good.’

This became the Louise Update Group with Anne, Charles, Mr. Musgrove, and Wentworth. Anne knew that under normal circumstances the constant interruptions a group text inevitably brings irked Wentworth, but she suspected he was glad for each one of them. She was separately getting updates from Mary about the chaos - mental and physical - Louise’s accident had caused her. The ability to turn off notifications from one individual is the best innovation since the text message.

With the resources at the Great Hall (namely, quiet and wifi), Anne was able to help the Musgroves find a house to rent for the next couple of weeks, or until Louise could be moved. Mrs. Musgrove had never been much of a traveler, and the uniform surroundings of a hotel reminded her that she was outside of her comfort zone. Having a house would give them all a safe space, and a place to make their own. And a water view, to boot! The Musgroves had felt a nebulous desire to make a home (of course the homiest people in the state wanted to establish a new one as quickly as possible), but it never would have been recognized or brought to fruition without Anne.

The next day, Chuck drove Hazel down to be with her family. Once they were all out the door and safely in Beaufort, Anne felt that she had completed a job well done. But it did leave her alone in the big house. It felt weird to be in the Great House when it was empty; where talkative humans usually reigned, the was quiet - it felt like the life had gone out of the house. It had only taken a couple of days to make all the difference. While putting away the clothing that had been frantically tossed out of closets, clearing away magazines and pizzas that had been left in a second and forgotten about, she imagined the happiness that would return here. If Louise recovered as well as the doctor had hoped, the unrestrained affection and merriment that had been the mark of the house would double and boil over. She had no doubt of what would follow the recovery; in a few months, the rooms would be full again with light-hearted people, and laughter, and the glow that surrounds a requited love - everything that was the opposite of herself.

An hour of these cheerful reflections and a rainy afternoon made her ready to leave Uppercross. She was soaked just in the dash from the Musgrove’s front door to her car (which was locked, of course, and could only be opened by the fickle lock in the passenger door). While wiping the rain off her face, Anne decided that while she was eager to be gone, she was glad for everything that had happened in that small town. There had been pain, difficulty, and unease, but it had softened over time, and shown her a strength she did not know she had. Or maybe she had known it, but she had forgotten a long time ago. And there had been some hints of reconciliation and reaching out in friendship that she never could have expected - and she would take that with her, wherever she went afterwards.

Her first ‘wherever’ was a stop at the Kellynch House on her way north. The Crofts needed approval for some changes, and the Senator had asked Anne to stop by to get the specifics and to tell him whether or not to sign off on them. He was inclined to approve, and his criteria for signing off on any proposed adjustments was that they “improved the value of the house, both immediately and long-term”. Anne guessed that this meant no tangerine walls or mounted neon lights. Not that the Crofts would ever propose changes that ridiculous - all of their requests were strictly practical. From the second she stepped in the door, Anne was sure that her father had somehow gotten the best tenants in the world. Noticing that she was still damp from her hundred meter dash in the rain, the Crofts insisted that she sit down and have some tea before any alterations were talked about. Even though it was still summer, the mixture of being soggy and sitting in the blasting AC made Anne glad to have a hot drink. Once they had exchanged the usual “how are you”s, the conversation quickly turned and focused on Louise’s accident. They compared updates, chances for a full recovery, and all the similar incidents they had ever heard of.

“I knew a girl who had a skull fracture, and she was back running marathons the next year,” Sophie said. “She was injured climbing volcanoes in Hawaii, and had to wait a lot longer for medical attention.”

“If Louise takes care of herself, I think she will be fine - but that doesn’t stop everything from being scary to the relatives. Head injuries are nothing to be sneezed at. I think everyone will feel better once they’re one hundred percent sure there’s no brain damage.”

“Oh, of course it’s frightening, especially from a parent’s perspective! And she’s so young. It’s sad, the whole thing.” The conclusion that they had come to was that, sad as the situation was, it was the result of carelessness and thoughtless action. One bad idea, and who knew what the longterm effects would be?

“It’s a mess, that’s for sure!” Admiral Croft exclaimed, slapping the table for emphasis and almost jolting Anne’s tea off the edge. “And it’s a weird way to start dating someone, letting them smack their heads and then being there for the recovery. But, to each his own, I guess.” Sophie had to step out on the covered back porch to make a call, something Anne had seen her own father do a million times. “This has to be hard for you, coming back to your house and finding all our stuff in it. But you don’t need to be worried about being formal, you can peak in any room you’d like while you’re here. Would you like to see the changes we’ve marked off for the laundry room?” The admiral's directness would have unsettled Mrs. Russell, but Anne liked it. He was coming from a kind-hearted, sincere place. It was refreshing to talk to someone in D.C. who did not have an ulterior motive.

“We haven’t really made a lot of changes,” he told as as they traversed the stairs. “Not much could be done to make this a more wonderful place. What has been done is all of Sophie’s work. I did move all the mirrors out of my closet - not all of us are as good-looking as your father. When you look like me and get to a certain age, Anne, you start avoiding mirrors. Ha!” The admiral enjoyed his joke immensely, then showed Anne the plan. “We want to make the door swing this way, so an ironing board can fold down from it. That way, washing, drying, and ironing can all be in one spot without shuffling around two square feet!”

“Sounds good to me,” Anne said, giving the offending door a nudge with her toe. “I’ll have my father sign off as soon as he can.” Afraid he had not been polite enough, the admiral jumped back in,

“But other than a change here and there, this place has been great. Tell your father we can’t find any fault with the place. It creaks a little on a windy night, but that’s character for you, and history. After being around town, we don’t know of a nicer spot in the whole District.” Sophie rejoined them at this point and added,

“It feels like home - we love it.”

“Who was that?” the admiral asked curiously, pointing at the phone still in her hand.

“Oh, it was Cap. Louise is out of intensive care, and stood up for a while this morning. Progress in leaps and bounds.”

“I’m so glad to hear that,” Anne said, leaning against the wall that used to hold their family photos. ON their way down the stairs, Sophie said off-handedly,

“Oh, and Cap asked me how you were doing.”

“Really?” the disbelief in her voice was not manufactured.

“He wanted to make sure you were okay after a tough couple of days. He thought you had put in more effort than most of the Beaufort crowd. I told him you seemed well, and looked better than ever. Action suits you, Anne.” Anne smiled, warming up in the care of the Crofts. From the way Sophie talked to and about her, Anne had the pleasant suspicion that she was a favorite of this new friend.

Despite the Croft’s pleadings to postpone the rest of her drive until the rain had stopped (or at least until after lunch), Anne needed to get back on the road. Walking the familiar route to the front door, Anne realized that going back to her old home with her ex’s sister had been fine - just fine. She hadn’t bumped into Wentworth there, and it had not been horrifically awkward. She had to laugh at herself for all the time she had spent worrying about this first trip back. The admiral grabbed an umbrella from the rack and sheltered Anne’s way back to her car.

Yes it’s late and yes it’s short, but there was some stuff in this chapter that just needed to wait for the next. Also, I would just like to state my opinion on Louise: young love turned her into a punkinhead, but I think she’s not a hopeless case.

Chapter 13: http://bit.ly/2w1CUkY

#janeausten #persuadedproject #persuasion

2 notes · View notes

josephkellywriter · 4 years

Text

CHARACTER NAMES – HOW TO DECIDE

Read this post on Wordpress...

In my previous post on naming characters, I discussed how I research names but only briefly covered how I choose them. In this post I will give some tips on finding strong names for your characters.

I generally create a list of potential name candidates, narrow them down, then assign them to characters. This is the most important thing I consider:

Setting — the time period & location

This is a good time to know the relative popularity of names at different points in history. Justin and Jen are probably in their thirties or forties now, and Steve and Linda are probably not from the Victorian era. ‘Willy’ is more likely to be a great-great-grandfather, ‘Billy’ a great-grandfather, ‘Bill’ a grandfather, ‘Will’ a father, and ‘William’ a child. However, baby Richard in A Stir of Echoes worked in a 1950s setting. For fantastical settings, you could use some ‘Earth’ names if they’re unusual enough, but probably want to avoid a Rachel or Jared in your high fantasy.

Considering the time and place, I create a list of candidates based on what catches my eye. First, I would eliminate any that are too similar. Eleanor and Leonora sound too alike, as well as Marcus and Julius. Next, I would remove any that are just a little too strange or ill-suited. One day I will include Edmundina, but probably not soon.

Now some practical considerations–

Does it sound/look different from the other names?

A couple guidelines — Avoid names with the same starting letters. No Andrew & Anders and avoid even a Jaden & Jennifer unless the cast is large. Keep rhyming in mind. I once had a couple named Julie and Ellie before I noticed. Try saying the names aloud. Try to mix up how many letters are in a name. Jennifer and Winnifred would be better as Jen and Winnifred. Ben, Ann, Lee, Ted, and Kai differ enough, but are difficult to tell apart in a group. Names that are very ‘normal’ can be hard to differentiate too. I remember a story with a Peter, Mary, Tom, Ellen, and David. One was a child, and the other two were adult couples, but I kept mixing them up. Very confusing and off-putting to think someone’s husband is their son for a whole scene until they kiss! You could also add a ‘Dr.’, ‘Mr.’, ‘Agent,’ ‘Professor,’ etc as appropriate. An initial name like JT or CJ can mix it up even more.

Is it easy to parse?

Avoid names that can be mistaken for common words. I’ve heard of a story with a character named Even, so sentences starting with this character’s name could be confusing and make the reader have to go back and re-read.

Have I used it before?

As I showed in my previous names post, I keep a file of potential names. I mark off the ones I use and try to avoid using them twice. A modification might be okay; a Jim and a James are sufficiently different in my opinion.

Now you should have a good list of names that are easy to tell apart and suit your setting. But how to assign them? Here are some considerations…

Character’s circumstance — their role in society

Names seem to divide on class lines. Baby Henry is more likely to be upper-class than Baby Jaxon. Statistics on this phenomenon can be found, but one simple way to get a feel, is to look up the names of royalty versus the most popular names. These days working-class parents tend to pick exotic spellings like Kaelynn but in the past very plain, standard names were more common. An unusual biblical name like Japheth might imply something about their upbringing, as could a name like Rainbow or Hamlet.

Character’s personality

Though we rarely get to choose our own names, they can imply a certain temperament. You can play with expectations — a genocidal villain named Laci could be interesting, but you’d be fighting against stereotypes. Victor probably doesn’t seem like a sweet softie, but he could be with some effort. We also display our personalities through how we modify our name– Jen, Jenny, Jennifer, and Jenna are very different people, likewise are Alex, Alexa, Alexandra, and Lexi. Someone might prefer to go by their last name, or a completely unrelated nickname.

Avoiding cliches

On that note, there are no doubt thousands of villains/anti-heroes named Vincent and thousands of video-game protagonists named Jake. Look up your potential names and try to avoid ones very common to certain kinds of characters. Russian names for villains and British names for fussy professors can be dull and play into stereotypes.

Here is a mind map I used when choosing some names for my story. Like in that previous post, I wrote down the connotations people voted for on the names, including keywords in comments. (These words are not my opinions, just ones I noted from users.) I used some other name review sites and marked down any significant notions. I wanted the names to seem unique compared to the others. One might end up with a list of super manly-men, or only studious types. Is one of your characters more childish than the rest? Their name should reflect that by being the most childish of the bunch. You may have noticed I did not include name meanings. While this can be interesting, as I noted in my previous post, I don’t find the meanings significant. It can be fun for a reader if they look it up, but most people don’t know the meanings of names other than their own. Some names can have strange or arbitrary meanings that aren’t pertinent. Do all Calvins have to be bald? Does Mallory have to be unfortunate? Must Persephone be a murderer? Of course not! Consider the meanings if it helps you decide or if you think it’s fun, but to me this is the least important consideration.

I hope this has given you some things to consider as you name your characters, but don’t stress about it too much. Renaming your characters down the road is as easy as running a find-and-replace. Also, you can run the names by people, but don’t let them decide for you. Just because some people dislike a name or have certain ideas about it, doesn’t mean you can’t buck the trend. Remember– they’re your characters, and what you say goes!

#writing #character names #naming

0 notes

musichall · 5 years

Text

Bon appétit, Kitchen Tour!

With the annual Kitchen Tour fast approaching (save the date: May 11, 2019), we took the opportunity to chat with Anne Young, a Music Hall member at the Advocate Level and the homeowner of one of the stunning kitchens featured on this year’s Tour.

How long have you lived in Portsmouth?

We have lived in Portsmouth for 1 year, 8 months. We moved here in June 2017 after selling our home in Exeter; although we did not move into this Market Wharf Condo until October 2017 after extensive renovation.

You have a beautiful kitchen that is reminiscent of a Parisian cafe. What was your design inspiration? What is your favorite design aspect about your kitchen?

I suppose my design inspiration is anything Parisian or French! I am an incurable Francophile and have always been naturally drawn to all things French. After attempting to teach myself French as a child from an old textbook and then working in the travel industry and traveling, I developed a healthy interest and appreciation for the culture, design, and people of France. I also love to cook and entertain for family and friends, so therefore the kitchen, and its design is so important to our family. I have an extensive collection of French cookbooks and was inspired by the look and feel of typical French bistros and cafés of Paris. Having said all that, my favorite aspect of the kitchen is both the design and functionality of the cabinetry. We were very lucky to be able to work with an amazing team that included CJ Architects, Revision Construction and Mari Woods Kitchen Bath and Home who together were able to bring our dream kitchen to reality. The cabinetry style is exactly the look we wanted, and the various functional details and features make it a practical, beautiful kitchen to cook and entertain in.

As a downtown resident, you’re conveniently within walking distance of The Music Hall. What drew you to become a Member?

When we initially moved to Portsmouth and rented at Portwalk Place while our condo was being renovated, we were gifted an initial membership at the Music Hall through that rental. We were so pleasantly surprised by the variety and quality of entertainment options, that we couldn’t believe we had never thought of joining previously. It was quite obvious that we would continue to renew our membership every year!

Do you have any traditions around visiting The Music Hall? What has been your favorite show so far at the theater? Is there anyone coming up that you’re particularly looking forward to seeing?

We have started the tradition of going to the Christmas musical. Last year we were blown away by the production of White Christmas, so we naturally went to Elf this year and were impressed yet again by the amazing performance. It is hard to say what has been our favorite so far this year, I am torn between Elf and the Boz Scaggs concert. What a pleasant surprise the concert was, bringing back many fond memories of high school and my college years at UNH! Going forward we are looking to seeing Whose Live Anyway?, Snarky Puppy, and Midtown Men.

What are some of the “unexpected benefits” you’ve enjoyed from being a Music Hall member and what would you tell others who are considering joining?

An unexpected benefit of being a member is being afforded the opportunity to purchase tickets to the Christmas musical early. This year we had fantastic seating for Elf, which I don’t think we would have gotten without the presale opportunity. The Music Hall has so much to offer residents of the area, with such a wide range of options to suit all interests. There really is something for everyone!

The post Bon appétit, Kitchen Tour! appeared first on The Music Hall.

from Blog – The Music Hall https://ift.tt/2JKRMvH via IFTTT

#IFTTT #Blog – The Music Hall

0 notes

batsarebetterthanpeople · 1 year

Note

stede, cj, and izzy: ed's three girlfriends. and yes, they smoke weed.

No but you're right tho. I was waiting for Anne Bonny and Mary Read to show up to project that post because CJ is more pathetic in my mind and the op got dumped but the answer for projecting that post onto ofmd was there all along.

I'll be right back.

#stacked hands #gentle jizzed

9 notes · View notes

noctis-hq · 5 years

Photo

congratulations BILLIE! you’ve been selected for the role of Hayden Travis, also known as the fortune teller. please look over the checklist here. you have 48 hours to send your account to the main. welcome to the family!

i originally envisioned the fortune teller as a female-identify character. but you freaking reaching into my mind and brought the skeleton to life. every detail about him indeared him to me more. you really made the perfect fortune teller and i couldn’t be more excited to see him as part of our family!

&&. THE AUDIENCE

alias. Billie age & timezone. 25 EST activity. I know it’s a low number, but I’m gonna say 6. I work a full-time job, but I’m pretty good at posting at least twice, if not, once a day.

&&. THE ACT

Skeleton. The fortune teller reasoning. It’s the kindness that they have to I absolutely adore. I think it’s good to have a character who has that patience and love to take in new students, but to me, they also seem like a very strong character who is loyal and knows when and when not to put themselves out there. name. Hayden Travis faceclaim. Luke Benward

age & birthday. February 24, 1993 (25) gender. Male//Bisexual

key traits.

Understanding. Whether it be due to his power or the way he was raised, it had always been easy for him to sit and listen to others and consider their thoughts and feelings in terms of whatever situation he was in. It doesn’t take much for him to put aside whatever he was going on in his life in favor of someone else. It helps in knowing someone better and getting done to who they really are. It also helps that he very rarely judges someone before he truly gets to know them for who they are and not the feelings that he’s receiving from them.

Stubborn to a fault. Once Hayden’s mind is made up about something (or someone) that’s it. Game over. As much as he is patient and understanding, if you give him a reason to not like you, he won’t change his mind unless you truly give him a reason to. Kindness is not synonymous with pushover. He will only give you so many chances before you’re out. It may be seen as a strength in a certain light, but it can also be a downfall. He is strong and confident enough to know when he’s wrong, but also stubborn enough to admit when he’s made a wrong judgment (not that it’s happened a lot.)

ability. The thing with empathy was that he never really realized he had done it until someone would be staring at him with a completely baffled expression. He never meant to go on a tirade on how he was so sorry about the random man’s loss as he handed him his groceries he dropped in the middle of the street. As he grew with his power, he began to understand it more, and at first, that understanding came with some fears. He never meant to pry, he never wanted to know too much and for a long time, he saw it as a downfall. That was until he was taught it can be used for good, it can be used to understand people and help them in a way he never allowed himself to at first.

Bio.

The wonderful state of Tennessee, where children knew how to say yes, ma’am and no, sir before they could walk. Where the boys were taught to be true gentleman and the girls were bred to be strong-willed and polite. That was no exception when it came to the Travis family. Six kids, two loving parents, and an even more loving Nan all fit into one ranch house that always felt warm and safe. Most of the town knew them as the large family with even larger hearts, but there was something that most people, even the most in tune gossip queens, didn’t know. They all came from a long line of witches, on both sides of the family. Most of his siblings never received gifts as their parents did, but Hayden did. He always seemed to be in tune with what people were feeling, he always knew when to back off or to comfort someone. He would sit with his Nan in the back and watch her do simple spells, she was in tune with the earth whilst his mother was in tune with people and objects.

Then, as he grew older, his gift became more apparent and he slowly started to feel a little more out of place. What once seemed like something so great was becoming a little less helpful and a little more invasive. People would stare at him weird, his siblings eventually got annoyed with how much he knew about their own secrets so he did what any smart person would do. He backed off. He kept to himself, kept his head down and mouth shut, busied himself with the ranch and the horses more than anything else. His Nan was the one he stayed the closest with while his mother was the one that understood him most. They kept him sane during his moments of solitude, they kept their kind boy from losing himself, and for that, he has always been beyond grateful.

A few days after his seventeenth birthday, his older brother Malachi, decided that he was going to do something with his life and joined the Marines to help serve and protect the community and country that he loved so dearly and Hayden had decided that he was going to do the same after he graduated high school. It would give him that sense of purpose that his power had taken from him. It wasn’t until he was moments from swearing in that the School found him and that was a blessing in and of itself. He didn’t stay in Tennessee long after that and as much as he missed his own corner of the world and his family, it was alright because that’s where he learned that his gift was just that; a gift. The School gave him the opportunity to open up again and allow himself to feel, it gave him the help he needed to be able to control his powers better, to discover the different aspects of it and things he could do with it that he never imagined.

Hayden Scott Travis is a man with an open heart and a steady mind. He will not allow himself to be taken advantage of though he is quick to come to someone’s aid if he was needed. His father always said that he would make a phenomenal soldier due to his unwavering loyalty and good judgement. He would be the first person to sacrifice himself for a noble cause if the opportunity arose. Once you’ve earned his loyalty, his true loyalty, you have it forever, and that’s a promise.

Extras.

Myers-Briggs: INFP

Zodiac: Pisces Sun, Taurus Moon

Alignment System: Chaotic Good

Aesthetic: Worn denim, the soft feeling right before the sun rises, the Noctis Library, motor oil covered hands, palm readings, crystals, gentle knowing smiles, rainstorms in the middle of the night, wide open fields, rough hands, brightly colored flowers, crickets in the middle of the night, the smell of the country on a warm summer night, bonfires, old stories passed down from generations, southern charm

Family members: *Anne-Marie Solart (grandmother/”Nan”) *Alizon Travis-Solart (mother) *Lucy Solart (aunt) *Scott Travis (father) Malachi Travis (older brother) Christian Travis (older brother) *Gwen Travis (younger sister) Christopher “CJ” Travis (younger brother) Blaise Travis (younger brother– too young to tell if he also has a gift) *indicates magic

HCs:

Ever since he was a boy, Hayden has loved simple slide of the hand card tricks as is father had performed them for him and his siblings all the time. He spent a good amount of his childhood learning card tricks and now has an impressive collection of playing cards

He’s also pretty interested in tarot cards and doing readings. His Aunt Lucy, who usually lived in Louisiana, started teaching him the art in tarot reading when he was about fourteen.

Speaking of Aunt Lucy and Louisiana, he and his younger sister (the only girl in the group of six) would spend a few weeks in the summer with her since they were the only two that really showed true talent in the art of magic out of the six.

He’s primarily left-handed, however, he taught himself how to write with his right after he broke his hand when he was fifteen

He used to play baseball until he was fifteen and inevitably broke his hand

He’s pretty handy when it comes to cars

Though he can come off as sociable, Hayden loves solidarity and can often be found in the library or the maze or simply roaming around

The Travis-Solart clan has a familiar named Winifred Averill, a timber wolf **will try to go further into this with admin permission**

#nox: accepted #fortune teller

0 notes

teamhufflepuff17 · 7 years

Photo

First nine kids all disappointments? Going for perfect ten? Here are a few important things to keep in mind as you go about conception.

For starters, for a successful conception event, it is best NOT to be using ANY form of birth control. Such things include: “the pill,” invented in the late 1950s, an IUD (Ineruteran Device, both copper and hormonal.) Diaphrams, any form of condom that is inserted or applied to an external appendage, depo shots, progestin-only mini pill, nuvaring, vasectomy, hysterectomy, cervical cap, The Sponge, perfect timing, and, in general, abstinence, although if you are truly attached to the abstinence method there are medical ways of getting around this. Our advice applies to those becoming pregnant in either a bedroom, medical, or bar bathroom setting.

In pregnancy, as with all things, it’s important to keep a balance of humors. Leading up to the conception event, and during the early gestation period, keep a careful control of the comedians and memes you expose your impressionable fetal cells to. ANY exposure to Gishwhes Mocker Tosh.0, for example, might lead your child to grow up to be a fun-hating monster. We here at Team Hufflepuff suggest a carefully curated diet of current memes (though not past their expiration date-- be careful!) and Samantha Bee. Other good humors include Trevor Noah, tumblr user officialunitedstates, memelovingbot, Jessica Williams, John Mulaney, television show Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Leslie Jones, Kate McKinnon, Hannibal Buress, Donald Glover, Bo Burnham (not including Make Happy) and NPR show Wait Wait, Don’t Tell Me. Bad humors include such things as CJ Lewis, the aforementioned Tosh.0 (Daniel Tosh), TJ Miller, and all of the CW show “Supernatural” sans season two episode 15 “Tall Tales”, which is definitely a good humor.

2b. Television is a very dicey proposition these days, so make sure that you’re creating good vibes by watching the right shows. Careful study of children named “Khaleesi” have suggested that you should avoid watching Game of Thrones if you are pregnant or trying to become so. Similarly, if there is any chance (and there is usually a chance) that your child will form to be female, it may be safest to abstain from any and all watching of “Supernatural” during pre-conception, gestation, and early life, lest the bad luck be transmitted through the internet and/or airwaves. “Wayward Sisters,” which has not yet premiered, will, we’re sure, come highly recommend. (And let us pause for a moment to let this writer scream. Okay. She’s screamed. We shall now carry on with the instructions.)

Kale (hereonout referred to as [REDACTED]): Make sure there is no [REDACTED] anywhere NEAR the conception event, as its bad energies might cause defects in the child (such as a taste for [REDACTED]) or prevent conception altogether. Make a thorough sweep of the conception area before starting the Event, and stay aware as you progress, for [REDACTED] can be wiley.

In the time leading up to the conception event, or in case of failure, in between conception attempts, always make sure that the sanitary pads used by the birth-giving partner have previously been used for great art, such as an angel, or a very small renaissance sculpture. This will help the coming fetus to develop a taste for good art, and avoid such low-brow art forms as television shows on the CW network. Shudder! Go out to Costco, Sam’s Club or your regional equivalent and stock up on at least 300 pads (in case conception attempts must be repeated over an extended period.) Build something amazing, and have the birth-giving partner pick individual supplies off the sculpture as needed. If there is more than one partner that might require such resources, start with a basic stock of 900, and build a taj mahal.

Think we’ve forgotten children one through nine? Never! They are very important during the conception event, as in, you must take careful steps to make sure they are nowhere near it, as they might scare your future fetus out of existence. We recommend sending them to a movie. Probably not The Emoji Movie, as this might make them too emotional. Try something safe like a Monty Python quote-along. However, too much Monty Python might end up rubbing off on your future fetus, and this can be dangerous. If you do not live near a movie theater, or if children eight and nine are too young for such dangerous prospects, perhaps you can shut them in the neighbor’s house. I’m sure everyone on the block loves your nine children! Bribe money can also come into play here, as i’m sure you’re sending your children off to the factory as soon as they hit five years old.

I’ve just been informed that children are not allowed to go work at the factory. Or in general. Are you sure you want ten of these things? Clearly you do if you’ve gotten this far in the list, so i shall continue, for all I want is for you to be happy, and if ten children will make you happy, then you deserve to get there.

During the conception event, be it interpersonal or medical, it’s always best to set the mood. Put on some nice screamo or norwegian death metal to scare those eggs straight! (Straight as in, into forming a fetus. We know that perfect people cannot, by definition, be heterosexual-- sorry, straights out there-- so that is not the kind of straight we mean.)

Now we’re going to assume that the conception event was successful, and there are a few cells that are going to grow into a few more cells to become a fetus to become a baby to become a child to become a cranky teenage to becoming a disillusioned adult to becoming a semi successful adult that can support you in your old age. Congratulations on your success! But don’t think that your journey is done, for there is a lot to do to make sure that number ten comes out as perfect as Lauren Cohen’s portrayal of Bela Talbot. (Thought we’d forgotten about her? We hadn’t! Although we don’t actually know if Misha watched the earlier seasons, so if he hasn’t, she was the perfect female Crowley we all deserved. She was Crowley before Crowley was Crowley. And she was better at it. Rest in Peace, Bela, we’d love to see you come back as a demon someday, who can I talk to about this? You can reach me through DM, Wayward Sisters writers.)

Make sure you’re reading the right books! Everyone knows about “what to expect when you’re expecting,” but what about what to expect when you’re hoping to expect? There the market is both more broad and far more limited. Instead, break free of conventional thought-- make sure your child knows what they’re getting into in this world by reading them such works of literature as “Davy Barry’s Complete History of the Millennium (so far),” “The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich,” and “Al Franken: Giant of the Senate” by Senator Al Franken. “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up” likely won’t inspire your forming child to clean their future room, but it couldn’t hurt to try.

Food and edibles are also incredibly important. We’ve already talked about the [REDACTED], and the bad energies it contains, but what about other foods? Some have suggested that avocado toast will prevent you from owning a home, but it will do wonders for your future child, even before the conception event. Stick a slice of avocado in the toaster and turn it on high until it’s a blackened mass, and then sleep with this mass under your pillow. Make sure you wear fluffy slippers to get all the benefits that come with avocado-toast adjacent sleep.

The good vibes of avocado toast aren’t limited to sleeping-- you can also use the avocado as a pumice stone on your feet, as a back scratcher. Do squats with avocados under your armpits. All of these actions will help you absorb the good vibes of the avocado and thus transmit them to the new fetus slowly growing fingernails in your uterus.

When it comes to ingestion, there are some hard and fast rules. If it’s orange, don’t eat it. That includes carrots. That includes sweet potatoes. That includes cheez-its. That includes orange chicken. All things orange are OUT during the time preceding and for two months following the conception event. You know who probably ate a lot of orange food while she was pregnant? Mary Anne MacLeod. Are we running these jokes into the ground? Probably, but frankly, that’s the only thing we can do save cry about it. So orange is out. This includes cheese puffs. This includes doritos. This includes pumpkin, and to be safe, pumpkin spice. Sorry, it’s too orange adjacent.

However, there are other colors that are much safer! Blue food, for example. Blueberries, and…. Anything else that’s blue besides blueberries. If it’s not blue, make it bue, Percy Jackson-style. I’ve got faith in you. (But wait, you’re probably thinking. If I can mkae a Dorito blue, can I eat it during the time frame laid out in the previous bullet point? Yes, I suppose. The good blue energy will cancel out the negative orange for a net of zero, so you should eat some extra blue.)

As we all know, Green is not a creative color. How much creativity your child expresses will depend on how much green you allow them to come into contact with. If you want a non-creative child-- say, a male writer who can only write about affairs the self-insert main character is having with much younger women, to name an example that comes to mind-- then you should stuff your face with peas. If you want a child who expresses their creativity in an actually creative way, then perhaps err on the side of purples instead. Trade Granny Smith for some grapes. Figure out how to cook an eggplant.

But wait, you’re saying. Aren’t eggplants sort of yellow inside, and isn’t that orange-adjacent? Wrong, because yellow is a good color. Nice and safe. Eat a banana.

Reds are fine in small doses. Don’t overdo it on the apples. Definitely do not overdo it on the red peppers. And raspberries? Play it safe with raspberries. You wouldn’t want your kid to grow up to be Macklemore. Unless you do, in which case, rasperries are your food.

If you’re capable of hearing, sounds are very important for your cell cluster. Good music for both the conception event and time preceding it includes: Anything by Kesha, anything by Lonely Island, anything by Beyonce, anything by Halsey and select songs by Imagine Dragons. Bad music for both conception and afterwards includes anything with a piano in it that was not recorded by one of the preceding artists. Pianos are bad for kids! Just look at what Bugs Bunny and Roadrunner have wrought with them! Keytars, on the other hand, will inspire your child to great heights and also probably make them tall.

Congratulations! You’re now well on your way to having child number ten! If you’re looking for naming suggestions, going with the “ten” theme could be successful. Consider naming your child something like “decem” or “ten” or, in the puritan tradition, “please be a good one this time”. Go forth and raise decent enough offspring, you superparent, you. Make sure they’re all registered to vote as soon as possible.

#gishwhes #text #photo #amy

1 note · View note