Gratitude Journal Entry (8/6/24)
Today I'm Grateful For:
*When I woke up this morning, I had an email from the publishing company who I did the poetry challenge with and they said that they see a lot of potential in it, so that made me happy :-) I just have to go through and sign off on the rough draft and the cover and then it'll be one step closer to getting the paperback version published.
*I had my therapy session today and while I was dreading it all week, I'm glad I didn't cancel. I was honest with my therapist and told her how I didn't feel like the tapping was doing much for me. When I do the tapping on my own -- just for keeping myself grounded or thinking of my happy place to help me stay calm or whatever -- it's different, but I haven't gotten much use out of it in our sessions. She understood and agreed to try something else called Flashing. It's a variation of EMDR and oh my gosh, I loved it so much! Just having one session of it I could tell it made a difference. I do occasionally get teary during our sessions, but nothing I'm not able to take control of. I actually cried a bit today and afterward I just basically had like a mini breakdown. It felt so freeing, and it was definitely needed, and I can't wait to do more of it. It will definitely be part of my nightly routine. It's not something I want to do in the morning or even the afternoon because I'm processing so much emotionally that it leaves me absolutely drained.
*Just for the day I had. It was quite productive (for ME, anyway) and enjoyable.
Something I'm Proud Of:
I'm proud of myself for speaking up and being honest with my therapist. I'm not one who likes to do that sort of thing. I was never taught to speak up for myself for anything, so it's always really hard and scary and I'm always afraid I'll look like a complete idiot or something, but I'm very proud of myself for taking that leap because it led to something new and something I can tell will definitely help me on the path to healing.
Tomorrow I'm Looking Forward To:
I'm finishing my next book by Simone St. James, The Book of Cold Cases. I'm just a little over halfway through, so I'll be doing a lot of reading tomorrow, but I love the author so much that I know it'll be enjoyable.
Daily Affirmation:
I embrace my progress and celebrate the strength and joy that guide me forward.
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Wellness Empowerment Retreat
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Twyla Boogeyman
(outfit concepts and rambles below cut)
bc im a sucker for the film "Don't look under the bed" I leaned much heavier into the concept of a forgotten/abandoned companion doll than haunted house. I wanted her to feel like and old doll forgotten in the corner that has collected dust and melded into the shadows. Her face worn away from either decades of neglect or long gone years of love and adoration.
I want her hair to be constantly moving like its trying it's best to not be perceived except through the faintest reflections in her hair. Like her hair is made of shadows so it's constantly seeking the darkest place in any given space
not sure whether imma actually give her eyes or not tho. I just really love the idea of her having a completely blank space where her eyes should be in the light and just the slightest hint of something in the shadows. It would also make any ship art I make of her and Howleen cuter lol but I also really like the idea of a painted on face (doll repaint style) and the makeup I thought up for her
also idk how this'd work but i like the idea of whenever a light is shone directly on her, she turns 2 dimensional. like she would become a part of the wallpaper or blends into someone's shadow. Or maybe she'd becomes more doll like - like she'd shrink down and everything!
I think I'm just realising she's prob be more fun to write about and describe than to draw XD
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tag game 🎶
shuffle 'on repeat' playlist and list the first ten songs ✨️ thank you for the tag kaili @blueside-hobi & kayla @cordiallyfuturedwight . 🫂💗 hope you're having a lovely day!!
latata by gidle
bouncy (k-hot chilli peppers) by ateez (also I have THE WHOLE ALBUM ON THIS PLAYLIST JUST REALISED being normal about atz is never an option for me)
psycho by jun
d-day by august d
oh my god by gidle (MANIFESTING 🕯)
BEcause by dreamcatcher
inception by ateez
jopping by superm
topline by stray kids ft. tiger jk
eve, psyche & the bluebeard's wife by le sserafim (BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!)
tagging some of my lovely moots and sending all of you the biggest hug!! also have a fun weekend and take care of yourself!! 💗🫂: @joon-rkive, @seraphjimin, @kimchokejin, @sollasitrona, @lyubins, @banghwa , @hobeah, @raplinenthusiasts, @aprylynn. 💖
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My Junk Journal is done. Now What?
Junk journal making is one of those creative pastimes that once you discover it, you wonder how you ever lived without it. If you’ve never heard of junk journaling, let me take you on a little journey into this wonderfully eclectic and liberating hobby. So far here on this blog, we have talked about making these journals here and creating a cover here. Now we check out what we putinto one of…
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This gives us our indication for therapeutic procedure -- to afford opportunity for formless experience, and for creative impulses, motor and sensory, which are the stuff of playing. And on the basis of playing is built the whole of man's experiential existence.... We experience life in the arena of transitional phenomenon, in the exciting interweave of subjectivity and objective observation, and in an area that is intermediate between the inner reality of the individual and the shared reality of the world that is external to individuals.
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Embracing Both Sides
I know I've been a bit MIA over the past couple of weeks, and I apologize, but I've been going through a lot emotionally. Also, I've just been feeling unwell due to my sinus infection (thankfully it's getting better!)
When I first discovered the poetry challenge, I was filled with such excitement and hope because I had wanted a chance to share my story with others. I had originally thought of writing a book about it, but it just wasn’t coming together. When I came across the poetry challenge, it just felt like it was meant to be. I already had most of the front of the book done (dedication, acknowledgments, and all that) and the stuff I didn’t have done came together so quickly.
I had this horrible misconception that, because I’d been writing for about 16 years and loved writing so much, that it would be like really easy to pop out 21 poems. it would take maybe an hour or an hour and a half tops. I was quickly corrected of that misconception. What I thought would be so easy took me nearly all day, meaning I was forced to confront and think about everything that had happened in my life and all the emotions I had experienced. It wasn’t as difficult as I thought. It was fun and meaningful because all I thought about was that someone might find inspiration in my journey. When I finally finished it, I felt so liberated and that I had accomplished something incredible and meaningful.
I rode on those feelings for a few days before I started noticing a shift. I felt more depressed and angrier, and I didn’t know why. Yes, going through all that was hard, but the thing that made me the angriest was thinking about how my poetry (which will soon be published into a book) has the incredible potential to change my life and make it something even better than I’ve ever experienced. I had no idea why I felt like that, and my confusion only made me feel worse.
In my therapy session today, my therapist helped me navigate those feelings and once she told me that the anger I was feeling (which has been more prominent in the past couple of weeks – not helped by my sinus infection) is always a secondary emotion to something else, things started making sense. I didn’t know that about anger and she had me pinpoint what my primary emotion was, and I realized it was sadness. The reason I know this is because once I pinpointed that emotion, I just started crying, and I’m not a crier. Once we discovered that, it all started falling into place.
She helped me realize that the sadness I was experiencing co-existed with the happiness of the poetry challenge. While the thought of a new chapter in my life filled me with happiness, it also forced me to remember the last 10-11 years in which I had been trapped by my invisible disease, and also the last 4.5 years in which I’ve been unemployed because of that same disease. Remembering all that just filled me with anger. But she also helped me understand that I didn’t have to choose just one emotion to focus on. I could have both happiness and sadness co-exist at the same time and once I realized that I felt more at peace.
I am so glad I went ahead and kept my appointment today. I don’t know if it’s common, when navigating all these complex emotions brought forth in therapy, to feel like you don’t want to go anymore. Most of the time, just the thought of having to attend therapy makes me annoyed, but nearly all the time I find myself happy that I forced myself to go. It was hands-down the most emotional session I’ve had. My nose was running like a faucet and the tears just streamed continuously. Since I do this via Zoom, it’s easier to hide those emotions. I know she wouldn’t care, but I just don’t like being emotional in front of people. I could have used Kleenex or wiped my face with my hands, but if she didn’t happen to see it (she didn’t say either way) I didn’t want to draw her attention to it, so I just let the tears fall and my nose run until it dried.
We did more tapping today, and I have to admit that when she told me what we were going to do, I was annoyed. I don’t really like the tapping because she always asks me these questions and it’s hard (not emotionally) to come up with what to say. I enjoy the flashing a lot more. But I think the tapping is just what I needed today, and it was incredibly beneficial. It’s somewhat dark in my room and I had my Harvest Pumpkin candle lit, so it just brought a new ambience to our sessions, which made it cozier. Even though it’s hard working through all these emotions and it’s hard forcing myself to go to therapy most of the time, I look forward to the continual healing it brings, and I can’t wait to see how my life with change as I continue to work through my past.
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SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING SO HARD WE ARE SO FUCKING BACK
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