#therapist says i need to draw boundaries and then i do for once and this shit happens

[humbleanger]

.

[stardewrotsession]

Note: I have a few new drafts in the works right now but it’s taking longer than expected to get them out. So for now, here’s my takes on our favorite bachelors. Some controversial, some not.

Personal Headcanons (and Opinions) I have about the Bachelors

Sam:

- So before I threw him under the “golden retriever” skater boy trope and moved on. Yeah he definitely comes off as it at first, HOWEVER.

- I like to think Sam’s hella observant when he wants to be. Sorta like a “selective observer” if you will.

- I mean, his mom seems to wish to run away from the family at times, and his dad’s off at war. Taking care of Vincent and trying his best to be there when his dad wasn’t makes you pick up a bunch of stuff along the way.

- And I think he’s observant enough to notice that Jodi doesn’t really like where’s she’s at in her life.

- He’s a very caring person, I think to the point where he wouldn’t really mind if he gets hurt from it.

- You have to do something really bad for him to hate you or for him to not care, honestly.

- He loves his family, so he’ll take care of Vincent when his dad’s away, or he’ll begrudgingly get a job because his mom told him to.

- That’s not to say he’s grown though. I full on believe his mom baby’s the hell outta him.

- She seems like a very controlling mom with how she acted after Sam dropped the egg on the floor, but she seems like she needs to done her way. Can you tell I don’t like Jodi very much?

- I think once Sam gets married to you and moves out, he takes on a lot more responsibility and learns how to take care of himself more. While still having that “kid at heart” mindset with his hobbies.

Sebastian:

- So, I’m not gonna lie, I was one of the girlies that dismissed Sebastian as the resident emo boy at first.

- But now, I think he’s, shocker, more complicated than that.

- So I think Demetrius definitely has a whole favoritism complex going on between Maru and Sebastian, which is nothing new.

- I think it leads Demetrius to spit out verbal abuse, and heavy on verbal cause I don’t think Demetrius is the type to physically abuse, to Sebastian whenever he doesn’t like what he’s doing.

- But, I actually think Sebastian and Maru find ways to be friendly or decent with each other, despite everything that’s happened.

- And I really don’t think Robin’s being dismissive about the whole situation either, I really do think she’s trying her best to get the two to ease up with each other.

- I mean, there’s books in her room about stepdads and second families, I think she’s making an attempt.

- But for Sebastian sometimes it isn’t good enough, making him feel like he’s trapped and that he wants to leave this town.

- I think when you marry him, and he ends up staying in Pelican Town, that’s not crushing his dream.

- I truly believe he just wanted to get away from his family, from Demetrius’ constant complaining and comparisons and favoritism.

- But he still has friends here, Sam and Abigail. And you.

- I think now that he’s moved out, he feels more at peace, spending time with someone he loves and still being able to hang out with friends.

Harvey:

- So, we know Harvey’s hobbies, his job as a doctor, and that he comes off as really shy.

- But he actually comes off as really closed off when you first meet him.

- It’s almost as if he’s straight away drawing a boundary saying, “Oh this is the new farmer. Okay, strictly doctor, patient relationship.”

- But as you start hanging out with him more, his facade starts to break a little.

- He opens up more, about experiences, hobbies, his past.

- And personally? I think he has a huge past with mental health issues.

- Like he relates to Shane when he talks about mental health and getting him a therapist. That could be just a doctor thing, but I think Harvey’s had his own struggles. Even if they were different.

- Out of everyone in Pelican Town (other than Shane) I think Harvey definitely has a therapist.

- Although he still mentions having patients’ lives in his hand, I’m sure he was completely broken about it the first time it happened.

- Not to mention that he had to overcome the fact that he wasn’t going to get his dream job.

- He had to settle, and I think talking to a therapist helps tremendously with not only acknowledging that, but full on accepting it, both the good and bad.

- Harvey is a caring guy, and even if he still has extreme fears and insecurities, he’s willing to overcome them if he thinks it’ll make him a better person. If it’ll give him a better life.

- So the fact that he overcomes his fear of heights for you means he cares a lot about you, and his life with you.

Alex:

- So, my opinion of Alex changes as his heart events go on.

- So for zero hearts, I full on believe he’s an ass to girls. Like that cliche popular sporty guy that has a big ego.

- If he doesn’t know you and he sees you doing something weird, I bet you he’ll judge super hard.

- I think he’s the type to talk first, think later.

- And not in a sense like Sam where he just kinda… keeps talking. But he’ll say stupid remarks like “Wanna go to the beach? Do you have a bikini?” Or “Did you get new pants?”

- Why are you looking at the farmer’s pants Alex?

- Anyways towards guys I don’t think he’d be that different, only he’d talk about girls to you.

- I wholeheartedly believe George is kinda homophobic, but Evelyn’s like “Love who you love, you don’t live long enough to not.”

- So Alex at first would have George’s beliefs. Cause the guy kinda raised Alex, he’s the only father figure he really knew and liked.

- But as time goes on Alex would realize “Hey I’m spending a lot more time with the farmer now.”

- Like he looks forward to seeing you everyday.

- And I think you influence him, whether you’re a girl or a guy.

- You open his eyes, making him think along the lines of “Maybe I shouldn’t judge so much. Something just feels right when I’m with them.”

Shane

- So I think we’ve been knowing how shitty he was in the beginning, before having any hearts with him.

- He’s closed off, depressed, doubting his life choices.

- The farmer literally has to push their way into his heart for him to actually notice and be nice to you.

- So I’ll spend more time focusing on after his heart events, since a lot of people are on the same page about his struggles with alcoholism.

- So like a lotta other people, I think Shane has a great friendship arc, but as a marriage candidate all of that development gets kinda nerfed.

- After everything that happens, he becomes VERY dependent on the farmer.

- Probably to the point where it’s unhealthy

- Like if he heard that you’ve passed out in there mines or something he’d start freaking out, not knowing what else to do if you were suddenly gone.

- But, he’s also one of the only bachelors confirmed to be seeing a therapist, so even if the farmer slowly stops talking to him, he will still be in a better spot than he was in his 6 heart event.

- In the end, he’s very thankful for you coming into his life.

- Just, try not to let him depend on you too much, okay?

Elliot

- Same with Alex, my opinion and my headcanons of Elliot change depending on how many hearts I have with him.

- But low key I find him very out there when below 4 hearts.

- He has a different kind of ego than Alex, but it does still come off as “I’m better than you” kind of ego.

- For example, when he says he wishes he could “Throw it all away and become a farmer like you”.

- What’s that supposed to mean Elliot?

- Only I don’t think he realizes it, I think at this time he’s more closed minded and never really thought of people being content and success in different ways.

- He does give Wattpad vibes…

- By the way he treats Gus too in his 2 heart event?? Yeah I’m not sure if that seems to change that much lol.

- However as you get to know him more, he realizes how much time and work you put into your farm, and then, starts thinking about how everyone else lives their life.

- I think even as a writer, the dude doesn’t really understand people think differently until you show him.

- Which is why I think that’s one of the reasons why he’s had writer’s block for a while.

- Yeah give him a pencil and paper and he’ll go at it, he’ll write some beautiful poetry and short stories.

- But throw in a consistent protagonist that isn’t like him, and I think he’d struggle big time before he met you.

- After you two become friends, or even after you start dating, he’ll definitely have a different perspective on his art and on other people.

- It’s like you change his perspective on life. And it may not happen overnight, but I truly believe it does happen, and you make him a better person because of it.

[wovetherapy]

Setting Boundaries: A Guide to Protecting Your Mental Health 

Setting boundaries as a way of maintaining mental health has become more normalized in the US. Despite the rise in popularity of the word “boundaries,” many people don’t know what setting boundaries looks like or how to talk about it with others. While a boundary could be interpreted in different ways, setting boundaries doesn’t have to mean drawing rigid lines or cutting people out of our lives. Instead, we can think of setting boundaries as establishing clear guidelines for how we expect to be treated and what behaviors we’re willing to accept from others. Boundaries are a form of self-care, and when we understand how to set and maintain them, we can avoid feelings of resentment, disappointment, or anger that build up when our limits have been pushed (Pattemore, 2021).

Boundaries are important because they help establish mutual respect and understanding within relationships. They also help ensure that both people within the relationship feel safe, heard, and valued. Setting boundaries may look different for everyone, but some examples include the following:

Communicating your needs and expectations clearly and honestly with others

Establishing limits around how much time or energy you’re willing to devote to certain relationships

Identifying behaviors that are unacceptable or hurtful and communicating what you are and are not willing to accept from the people in your life

Saying “no” to requests or demands that go against your values or comfort levels

When these boundaries are respected, it can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Here are some tips for how to set boundaries and protect your mental health:

Identify your needs: The first step in setting boundaries is understanding your needs. What do you need to feel safe, respected, and valued in a relationship? What behaviors or actions are unacceptable to you? Take time to reflect on your values and what you want from a relationship.

Communicate clearly and honestly: Once you've identified your needs, it's important to communicate them clearly and honestly to the people in your life. Consider using "I" statements to express your feelings and needs rather than language that may be interpreted as blaming. For example, instead of saying, "You always ignore me when I talk," consider reframing the statement as, "I feel hurt and ignored when you don't listen to me. I want to feel more heard." Communicating in this way can help you set healthy boundaries while respecting the other person and not pointing fingers.

Be specific: When setting boundaries, it’s important to be specific about what behaviors or actions you will and will not tolerate. If you find a particular behavior unacceptable, be clear about that. For example, if your partner tends to curse during arguments and you don’t like it, consider telling them, “I don’t like it when you curse when we’re arguing because it makes me feel attacked.”

Be firm: Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if the people in your life are used to behaving in certain ways or are not accustomed to you asserting your needs. It's important to be firm and consistent in enforcing your boundaries. While the person you’re setting boundaries with may be upset at first, they will eventually get used to it too. Ultimately, by staying firm in your boundaries, you are protecting your mental health and protecting the health of your relationships.

Listen to your loved ones’ needs and boundaries too: Setting boundaries is a two-way street. It's just as important to listen to your loved ones’ needs and values and to work together to find a compromise that works for both of you. Be open to feedback and willing to adjust your boundaries as needed.

Take care of yourself: Setting boundaries can be stressful and emotional, so it's important to practice self-care. Take breaks when needed, reach out to friends or a therapist for support, and prioritize your well-being.

Setting boundaries can be challenging, but it can also feel liberating. It is essential to creating healthy and fulfilling relationships. By communicating your needs clearly, being firm in enforcing your boundaries, and listening to others’ needs as well, you can build stronger, healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

If you’re interested in scheduling an appointment or you’d like more information, please contact us.

[snobgoblin]

heres what your favourite Powerpuff Girl may say about you :]

Blossom

You're definitely a burnt out golden child, and if you're not burnt out yet, you're absolutely a golden child. I don't need to explain to you how it happened, you likely already know, but I will say this; you don't have to keep track of everyone all the time. You have your own stresses, and nobody else is your responsibility. Just you. You don't have to be a leader. Kick back once in a while. You may come across as a know-it-all, but this is because in most cases you legitimately are correct. You should recognize this fault, but also recognize your achievement. You're incredibly bright, and that can work wonders on people if you let it show by itself. You've got nothing to be insecure about, you're strong minded, highly analytical and excellent with quick, reasonable solutions (You may be a bit emotionally stunted, but that's nothing that can't be worked on.) Everything will be okay without you micromanaging it. Be at peace. Relax

Bubbles

You're very creative, whether that's drawing, singing, writing, whatever! You're always in your own little world, but that doesn't mean you don't care about what's going on around you. In fact, you're very sensitive and care about a lot of things and people. You may be the therapist friend because you're so good at listening. Although, you tend to bottle up your feelings and keep them to yourself, believing nobody else will provide the care and understanding that you do. Believing you don't deserve it. So you let people trample your boundaries until you snap. Let it out friend, the listening ear needs a listening ear sometimes. You're not a burden. You don't need to self destruct because you think people won't like you if you're "difficult".

Buttercup

It seems like you're always getting the short end of the stick. All your life you've been the last choice for everything, constantly overlooked, maybe even scolded, because you were different in ways you didn't understand. You have a lot of confusion and to cope with this you've sealed yourself off emotionally. It can't hurt you if you never process it, right? WRONG! That's a horrible way to cope. Bad things have happened to you, and you're probably pretty angry about it, but the only way to get over it is to confront it. No projecting, no blame shifting, take a genuine look at yourself and see your traumas, then patiently assess how they are impacting your every day life. You don't have to be strong for everyone else just because you have a weak understanding of yourself. You're gonna be okay. But first you have to confront how not okay you are.

Was it accurate? Let me know!

(villains coming eventually, I need to collect data)

[darkcircles4lyfe]

retrospective & predictions

Since we're on a hiatus week (between 320 and 321) I feel like waxing poetic about the depth and growth of bkdk for a bit. Especially because it seems like we’re right on the edge of their biggest development yet, I’m getting the urge to lay all my perspectives and insights I’ve picked up from others out on the table. This is ultimately only my subjective interpretation of subtextual material in canon, though. If you’ve never quite understood what people see in their dynamic and you’re actually open to hearing me out, maybe from this you can at least see where we’re coming from. And if you don’t like my takes after all, well, we’ll see who’s right in the coming chapters, won’t we? What I have to say can be taken platonically or romantically; I appreciate both. 

putting it under the cut, since it’ll be long:

At the risk of projecting, I want to start by examining a couple things based partly on personal experience.

From many different directions, I often hear people expressing that Deku’s persistent attachment and admiration for Bakugou is baffling at best. Despite the bullying, despite Bakugou’s loud, rude, and uncompromising personality, he still puts effort into their relationship and frequently describes him as amazing. It seems like Deku himself is aware of this as he’s said things along the lines of how he’s difficult, BUT... etc. Although I don’t think it’s exactly that Deku finds Bakugou’s personality hard to be around, but that he’s deliberately expressing patience for Bakugou’s emotional turmoil. 

I have to say I know what this sort of patience is like, as I went through it with someone I love. I only chose to put up with their behavior because I decided the possibility of what our relationship could be was worth it. I wasn’t blind or submissive to how they treated me, and I wasn’t coerced. I simply expressed myself and established my boundaries while still allowing them the opportunity to join me in my world once they got over their own hangups. And guess what? It worked out in the end. That doesn’t mean there aren’t circumstances where it’s better to cut ties, but I want to stress that true reconciliation is possible sometimes. I used to worry that other people around me thought I was delusional for seeking it, but what really helped was my therapist reminding me that I’m smart and strong. So I think Deku deserves to feel the same. In a way this is his whole mission in life, his approach to being a hero as well as his personal relationships.

Let me also be clear though that I don’t mean Deku is only tolerating Bakugou’s personality, his mannerisms, the parts of him that will likely never change. I’m drawing a line between those things and his emotional state (they so rarely align anyway, but I’ll get to that later). In fact, I think Bakugou’s general attitude is part of what Deku admires. This is gonna be hard to explain without inserting personal experience too, sorry. As a writer myself I’ve noticed I’m drawn to writing characters that are brazen and bold and don't mind telling people off. Really it’s because I operate in the world in the polar opposite way. I try not to draw attention to myself, I’m quiet, and I’m a people-pleaser. People who project confidence, especially in an impolite sort of way, fascinate me. It’s good to take cultural context into account, too: I've heard people who’d know better than me that part of the reason Bakugou is the most popular character in the Japanese fandom is likely because he contradicts a lot of their social norms. His disregard is refreshing and cathartic. I can speculate that Deku has a similar point of view based on what he thinks but does not admit about Bakugou being his image of victory and how this sometimes makes him mimic Bakugou’s speech and mannerisms: 

There’s also the bit in this fight where Deku realizes he's the only one able to receive Bakugou’s emotions. This is because he’s the most intimately familiar with him and his situation, but I think there’s another layer. Deku, as we know, has a self-sacrificing tendency, and in the current chapters we’re seeing the worst side of that. But let’s also not forget that to an extent, it can be a positive trait: resilience. When it comes to Bakugou, he has an almost comical ability to dodge the potential fallout of his outbursts. The example we all jump to (and fight about..) is how in ch1, apart from the initial shock of Bakugou suggesting he jump off the roof, the most he reacts is to criticize him for saying such a ridiculous thing. However, I think their interaction post- sludge villain is a lot more interesting:

Note two things: 1, in his head, Deku is practically making fun of how Bakugou’s acting as he stomps away without waiting for a reply. It doesn’t faze him. 2, Deku thinks, optimistically, that he can now focus on a different career choice. This is astonishing really. Up to this point, none of Bakugou’s attempts to put him down have worked; he just kept pursuing his dream. The only reason Deku concedes in this moment it because for the first time, he has been shown that he really couldn't do anything in a fight against a villain. All Might told him he couldn't be a hero (although he’s literally about to take that back in the next few pages lol) and the other heroes at the scene gave him a lecture about it too. It was those experiences, and not Bakugou’s words, that truly affected him. And when All Might tells Deku he can be a hero after all, it’s not thinking of Bakugou’s bullying that makes him sob and fall to his knees, it’s the memory of his own mom never telling him those words he so desperately needed to hear. Having spent most of their lives together, Deku must have been aware all this time that Baukgou was influenced by larger societal forces rather than a core judgement, so he didn’t take it personally. He separated the person from the action, and because he’s resilient and patient, he is thus equipped to handle Bakugou’s emotions. It’s a testament to his maturity and emotional intelligence, really. 

But I can almost hear some of you saying, “that doesn’t mean Deku should have to be the bigger person here!” Correct! Just because Deku is perfectly alright bearing all of that, doesn’t mean atonement-era Bakugou sees it this way. We can track his awareness of Deku’s care and selflessness as follows-

The bridge scene, when they’re little kids: Bakugou conflates Deku’s heroism with pity, and subsequently thinks Deku is looking down on him because Bakugou’s own insecurity makes him defensive.

The Sludge Villain, and also Deku vs. Kacchan Part 1: Bakugou witnesses first-hand how easily Deku jumps to risk his own life, but still thinks he’s being looked down on. 

The Sports Festival: Bakugou fights Uraraka and recognizes her endurance strategy and refusal to give up as very Deku-like. He’s half right. He thinks Deku advised her in the fight, when in reality she just mimicked Deku because she admired him. I want to draw attention to his very sober comment about her not being frail. It’s a great endearment of Uraraka’s character and Bakugou’s respect for her when others didn’t take “fighting a girl” seriously, but it also reflects on his opinion of Deku. Deku isn’t weak either. He never was.

Deku vs. Kacchan Part 2: Deku finally corrects him about the whole looking-down-on-him thing, and Bakugou is informed that Deku’s selflessness is in fact the reason All Might chose him. Since Bakugou had been in search of what he himself was “doing wrong” for All Might to favor Deku over him, he now has to reconcile the fact that selflessness is a heroic trait, and moreover something he lacks. This is also possibly the first time Bakugou is able to see his past actions toward Deku as bullying since he previously thought it was more mutual. Additionally, Bakugou can now link Deku’s selfless behavior to what he perceived as pity/contempt, and realize that Deku has been giving him A LOT of grace. Maybe too much. Maybe more than Bakugou deserves, and definitely more than Deku should have to. Holy heck- now Bakugou has to figure out how to live up to all the faith that’s been placed in him. 

Subtextually, we can see Bakugou’s feelings about atonement reflected in the Todoroki family:

1, Shouto is another example of Deku growing a friendship using his selflessness (since their fight in the sports festival) and their relationship is being acknowledged here where it hasn’t been in Bakugou’s situation. Perhaps Bakugou is wishing it could be so simple for him, to be able to thank him for being his friend like that. Deku saying the pleasure is all his also probably calls to mind how a mere apology from Bakugou would probably be dismissed because that’s just the kind of accommodating person Deku is. Bakugou has to operate more quietly in order to actually make up for their past. I personally don’t interpret this scene as Bakugou being jealous of Deku and Shouto’s friendship, exactly, just the lack of emotional baggage. Side note, Deku and Fuyumi are kinda similar in their desire to repair relationships. I like that she’s the one to give him some credit. 

2, With the common terminology, this can be interpreted as Bakugou receiving a model for atonement, one that is about action, and nothing to do with receiving favor or forgiveness. It’s a sense of duty. 

Many of the above sentiments are repeated in the flashback conversation between All Might and Bakugou right before Bakugou’s sacrifice. 

Bakugou acknowledges his bullying and that it happened because of his own insecurities, but aside from that, it’s interesting he neither confirms nor denies All Might’s suggestion that he’s trying to atone, or that Deku doesn’t see it that way. All Might is a bit of an unreliable mentor sometimes, but I don’t think he’s misreading here. Rather, Bakugou is displaying his tendency to hold back when talking about things that would make him really emotional. Besides, admitting to what he’s doing kind of defeats the purpose. He isn’t seeking acknowledgement. All Might has gotten to the crux of the issue here when pointing out that Deku doesn’t recognize the atonement, likely because Deku doesn't think Bakugou even needs to atone. Am I reading into it too much to say Bakugou looks wistful at this? It’s kinda frustrating sometimes trying to interpret Bakugou’s actions because he’s so paradoxical. Loud and in your face, but also extremely reserved. Sometimes I feel like I’m grasping at thin air, but hey, being hard to figure out is part of his intrigue as a character. The simplest way to look at him is to assume that unless he’s really showing vulnerability, he’s probably deflecting and hiding something.

Speaking of Bakugou’s tendency to to hold back emotional stuff, there’s his apparent lack of issue with Deku calling him Kacchan. Maybe to begin with, in his warped perception of things where he thought they hated each other, Bakugou saw it as Deku’s way of getting back at him for calling him “useless,” and didn't dare give any indication that it actually bothered him. However... consider how betrayed Bakugou has appeared when he was noticeably thinking Deku was looking down on him- the bridge scene, and the beginning of their first year at UA when he thought Deku was hiding a quirk all along. He looks shocked and hurt. That kind of emotion couldn’t be invoked by someone Bakugou didn’t actually care about his relationship with. “Kacchan” comes from a long time ago, before their relationship was strained, so it’s connotations are pure. Maybe somewhere deep down, Bakugou has always been hoping that Deku’s continued use of the nickname was not simply a matter of habit or teasing, but a vestige of friendship they’re both clinging to, and Bakugou himself was too afraid to admit to himself that he felt this way about it, so he mostly ignored it. (These are not original thoughts I am having here lol, this is a common interpretation. I’m just laying everything out like I said.) 

And now we turn to the current situation. Personally, I’ve been looking frantically back and forth between them wondering who’s going to break down first (Deku vs. Kacchan Part 3, this time it’s just a fight to get the other person to cry? ha.) Both have looked like they’re approaching a breaking point for some time. Also, I’ve addressed this before, but I think it’s significant that Bakugou is no longer wearing his mask with his hero costume, in contrast to Deku recently donning his own. It feels symbolic of Bakugou about to be upfront about how he feels.

The question is, what is it going to take to get Deku to accept help? If you ask me, Deku has dug himself so deeply into the I’m-doing-this-for-everyone-else’s-safety-and-smiles hole, no common sense argument can possibly reach him. By the end of 320, Deku’s mask is off, and we can see how desperate he truly is. But he has not cried, yet. I predict we’re going to see a bit more of his defiance, this time on full display on his face as the remaining class members and his other friends take their turns. But then I think Bakugou has to be the one to break down so Deku can witness his actions having the opposite effect he intended. People have been pointing out that Deku is currently ignoring Bakugou, and oof, that’s gotta be intentional. Regardless of what Bakugou says, it’s going to be wrapped up not only in his understanding of Deku’s self-sacrifice, but also the betrayal Bakugou feels at being ignored/left behind that ironically echoes his previous perception of being looked down on, as well as a need to express how much he cares about Deku before it’s too late. He must show that the two of them are inseparable because they both act to save each other without thinking, and both feel like losing the other would be like dying themselves. All Might may have been right when he told them they could learn from each other after Deku vs. Kacchan Part 2, but he didn’t fully realize that idea by making sure they stuck by each other for support and balance. 

I can’t wait to see what it’ll be like when they do finally get to that point, totally in synch and in tune with each other. They’ll be a powerful force no one is quite prepared for. Who knows when that will be, or even which chapter will be their big showdown, but I know the day is coming.

To speculate even further, I think the 2nd user is going to be really important really soon. And no I don’t mean to suggest that the 2nd user is Bakugou. But I do think their resemblance is key. Okay this is gonna be convoluted...

See how 2nd is the only one still standing? I think that’s symbolic of him withholding his quirk. Deku may not even know what it is at this point, let alone have unlocked it. Given that 2nd approves of Deku’s strategy at this point, it seems odd for him to withhold his quirk based on lack of faith. I think if his quirk was something that would help Deku in combat, he would have shown it to him already like the others did. So what if those gauntlets of his are support items that are meant to make up for his lack of a combat-oriented quirk, rather than to augment it? Mind you, I still have no idea what his mysterious power might be, but I’m dead set on it not being explosion-y. Regardless, I think 2nd looking like Bakugou is more about aiding some grand visual parallel, so! You know how 2nd and 3rd were probably intending to do away with Yoichi but 2nd changed his mind as soon as they made eye contact? This is really a long shot, but I wonder if 2nd’s quirk has something to do with that exchange. Maybe it’s something psychological, or some 6th sense about people he meets. So... in that way 2nd’s quirk could play a role in bkdk reaching a deeper understanding? Idk! But it could be significant at least that 2nd left Yoichi’s question about why he reached out to him unanswered. 

One more thing- while I was gathering screenshots I found this. I think “you’re the last one I’m telling” might be foreshadowing for Bakugou revealing his hero name to Deku and it being a Big Deal:

As for other lingering threads in the overall plot right now, such as the UA traitor, Stain, whatever Tsuyu is apparently about to do, All Might’s car maybe in the background of the last page of 320... man I have no idea. All I know is there’s literally 320 chapters’ worth of build-up to this confrontation that can’t be interrupted. 

See you next week <3

[donutloverxo]

Nude

Run through - Steve wants to try new things so he takes a painting class with a nude painting subject. Only the woman he has to paint are you, Peppers assistant and his crush.

Pairing - Steve Rogers x reader

Word count - 2k

Masterlist is linked in the bio!

Steve Rogers was many things. He was an artist, an amateur cook (who really does try), a loyal friend, a good citizen, a soldier. Yet when people looked at him, they only ever saw the captain. His friends called him cap. He'd go weeks without hearing his own name. Sometimes he felt the lines were blurred. When did Steve Rogers end and Captain America begin?

He had a big wake up call when he confronted Tony, saying he wasn’t iron man, it was an alter ego. To which Tony said that Steve was basically captain America. And Steve couldn’t argue or disagree, because it was true. He didn’t want to lose himself in his work anymore than he already had. His therapist told him to make healthy boundaries, which is what he’s going to do.

So he ordered some colors and pencils online and got to work on his art, for the first time in a long time. It was exhilarating and freeing. He could lose himself in it, go on for hours without thinking and seeing anything but the colors and his canvas. Which was extremely rare for him. He could rarely ever shut his brain off or run from his traumatic memories.

Everyone could see the visible change in him. How he seemed happier. Clint even joked about it saying

“Cap must be getting some”

To which Steve only snorted. There was no room for anything as complicated as a relationship or sex in his life, not right now.

But wouldn’t it be nice? To have a woman to hold and to paint. To love and care for. He didn’t let himself delve too much into that fantasy. Because even if it was a nice escape once in a while, he knew that while Steve Rogers might make a good partner, Captain America would certainly not. He would never subject any woman to deal with either of them.

With some encouragement from Sam and his old friends he started attending painting classes at his alma mater, the Brooklyn College, every Saturday evening. It helped him make some friends. He didn’t know if he could call them friends. Most of them were too different from him. They seemed like different types of 'tortured artists'

When he heard that there would be a nude subject to paint the next class, he was a little bit hesitant. Such a thing would’ve been scandalous in the 40s. But he was trying to open himself up and that meant pushing his comfort zone, even just a little bit.

When he set up his canvas, oil colors and brushes that Saturday he expected male subject. He didn’t however expect to hear a woman’s voice. He was too focused on his set up to look up, whatever. He didn’t care if it was a man or a woman. There wouldn't be anything erotic about it. This was strictly professional and educational.

He looked up to take a good look at his subject, when he felt as if his soul was knocked out of him. There you stood, his crush, Pepper Potts' assistant, and the woman who turned him down.

“You know back in my day they used to play elevator music” He said to drown out the awkward silence. Even after all this time, he still didn’t know how to talk to women. He had had a crush on you since the moment he laid eyes on you. You were always so funny and sweet. Asking him and everyone about their day, if they were doing well. Always willing to help others.

When he let it slip that he likes banana bread, you baked him a whole loaf of it, which chocolate chips so ‘so you think of me when you have them. They’re my signature of sorts' you had said proudly. Of course he’d be thinking of you when he ate it. Overthinking actually. Wondering If you like him as he likes you, or if you’re just being your sweet self.

“Oh we still have that!” You chirped “but not in um professional or business buildings like these”

He just nodded. Tapping his foot impatiently. You would get off in just six floors it was now or never. “Hey uh – what are you doing this Friday?” he asked shyly.

“Oh just watching some Gordon Ramsay with my dog probably. I have no life” you laughed at your own self depreciating joke “Why?” you tilted your head.

“I was thinking, maybe we could get dinner? Only if you uh – you wanted to, you're free to say no” he promised. Maybe he should’ve asked you to ‘hang out' or 'for a coffee' like most people these days. But he felt that was no way to treat a lady, especially one like you.

“Oh Steve” he was already disappointed upon hearing your tone “I would’ve loved to. But even though we don’t work together, it wouldn’t look good you know? I mean I don’t care much for 'my image'” You said making air quotes “But I don’t, it’ll be complicated” You looked completely defeated. As if it hurt you to say no more than it hurt him to hear it.

“I completely understand” He nodded “no hard feelings” he gave you a smile as he watched you walk away. It did break his heart a bit, but he’d respect your feelings.

He looked at you taking off your satin robe revealing your bare body to the class of twenty or so artists. His breathe hitched. Your hair flowing down your back and covering a bit of your left breast, your soft stomach and thighs, the patch of soft curls at your core, your nipples hard against the chilly air, and how your stomach rolled a bit as you sat uncomfortably on the stool. You were beautiful. A work of art even. There was absolutely no way he could do you justice. He started drawing an outline on his canvas. You would very well be his best subject.

You looked around a bit, your fingers holding onto the stool for dear life so you could stave off the anxiety and feeling of being so exposed. Then your eyes landed on him. You thought you were dreaming, maybe you didn’t see properly, so you did a double take. Then you were frozen on the spot. There he was, Captain Rogers, the first Avenger, the man you often dreamt about, sitting right in front of you while you were naked as the day you were born.

You had no idea what you should do. This was literally like a nightmare come true. If you flee it would look bad, if you didn’t it might look worse. You decided you’d follow his lead. So you peeked a glance at him from the corner of your eyes and saw him, sketching you? Holy shit Steve Rogers was drawing a nude portrait of you. What has your life become?

You had always been insecure about your body. You knew magazines, porn and movies were meant to feed people lies to get them to buy more things. That didn’t make you feel any less bad about not looking anything like the women in them. You tried to remind yourself that you have many things going for you. Like your supporting family, your loving friends, your cute labrador, your amazing job.

Speaking of your job, exactly why you turned Steve freaking Rogers down! A man that looks like him asking you out and you say no. Your friends flat out laughed in your face at your unfortunate predicament, where the cake is right there but you can't eat it. Now that you thought about it, it was funny.

Your co-workers weren’t kind to you. Even on your best day you didn’t look anything like the women you worked with, who would stab you in the back the first chance the get. You were kind to everyone, but you knew by now not to expect the same treatment back. Which was why you had to say no to the beefy blonde. You didn’t want to be branded as the ‘office slut’.

Which now you were sure you would be. You didn’t know Steve enough to know he’d be willing to keep this a secret. He didn’t seem like someone who would do that to you. But you still couldn’t help but think the worst.

You squirmed and shivered in the chair for a good part of the next two hours. By the end your back was sore and you did everything you could to avoid looking at Steve, only sneaking glances here and there, while he seemed too engrossed in his work.

You had done this a couple of times before, to accept your body for what it is and get comfortable with it. If you weren’t going to love it no one would do it for you. Finally the time was up and the artists were asked to pack up for the day.

You quickly got up from your stool putting the robe back on. You turned your back to Steve, stretching your muscles. You couldn’t wait to lay down on your comfy bed and just get out of here. But you knew you needed to have that inevitable conversation. You probably would never be able to look Steve in the eye after this.

You walked towards him as he was cleaning up his work station. “Fancy seeing you here” You cringed at your embarrassing attempt at a British accent.

“Hey there” He gave you a bashful smile scratching the back of his head “I didn’t expect to see you here”

“Right back at ya” you returned his smile, no longer feeling on edge. It was strange how his presence served to comfort you.

“You do this often” he asked casually. You couldn’t really hear any judgement in his tone, not what you would expect from a hundred year old.

“No not really. It just uh – I’m trying to love myself. Which I already do! Of course” you let out a nervous chuckle “just trying new things and stepping out of my comfort zone”

“That makes two of us” he said as he was done packing his bag, which he was deliberately doing at a slow pace. He didn’t want to leave. Not yet.

“Can I... Look at your painting?” You asked nervously. You didn’t know if you wanted to see his interpretation of your naked body, what if it was bad? But what if it was good? What if he was impressed by you...

“Uh it’s not done yet. And frankly I’m not that good”

“I seriously doubt that. I’ve seen the sketches in your office” You caught your slip of tongue. You couldn’t let him know about your borderline unhealthy obsession with him.

“Well, have a look then” he relented showing you his canvas.

You let out a breathe you didn’t even know you were holding at the painting. It was breath-taking. The woman looked like you, but why was she so beautiful and graceful? In the painting she was sitting on a stool, like you, in front of a tree admiring a rose in her hand. She was naked as well. It reminded you of classic Greek paintings where women weren’t perfect, but were celebrated for their imperfections.

“It’s amazing Steve. I – do I look like that?” You stammered not being able to tear your eyes off the painting.

He shook his head at your shock “On the contrary you look much better I’m glad you like it”

“You’re a great artist” you gushed

“I don’t know about that. I’ve seen much better” he said humbly.

You would argue with him. But you knew it would be of no use. Looking at the beautiful woman in the painting gave you the surge of confidence you needed “Steve, does the offer for that dinner still stand?” You straightened your back looking up to lock eyes with him.

“Yes” He blurted without even thinking “how about tomorrow evening?” He asked.

“Yes that will be awesome! You can pick me up at seven. I’ll text you the address“ you said making an mental note to do so.

You could hardly wait for your date. You didn’t really care about what your co-workers would think of you. As long as you were happy their opinions didn’t matter.

Tags will be in the reblog! If you want in on the taglist click the link in the bio or send me an ask!

Please do not steal or repost my works. Reblogs are welcome.

This was actually a request. But I can't fir the life of me find the person who requested it. I hope you see it babes❤

[enamouredfae]

hi!!! thanks for this🥺,, 💌 BDS: what does my twin souls' higher self wants me to know at this time?

(ps i just followed you and I'm obsessed with your account/aesthetic)

(a very late) WELCOME!!

I'm glad you like it, what can I say, you've got great taste •̀ .̫ -✧ I loooooove your question, so thank you for asking it! Hope this resonates.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

46. Regeneration

clarified by 21. Clean it up (reversed)

Your twin soul would like to tell you that you are in the midst of a period of regeneration. What has once died in you is being reborn for the better. You are rising like a pheonix. You are growing by the minute. They would also like to tell you that with this rebirth you should stop focusing so much on others, and instead truly focus on yourself. You are taking on work that isn't yours to do, and it is exhausting you... Perhaps you are listening to others problems and it is exhausting your energy and emotionally draining you. Perhaps people want your help and you'd feel like a bad friend if you don't help them since you feel responsible to help your friends all the time. It's possible that in your childhood you've been taught that love comes at a price of service, but that simply isn't true. Love is not supposed to be deserved, its supposed to be felt!!! "You don't need to be needed to be loved." The problems that you are helping others with are not your responsibility! You don't owe anyone to be the "therapist friend". I'm not saying stop helping others altogether, but don't always feel like you have to help, you should be able to tell others when you aren't comfortable or aren't emotionally prepared to help them. And it is normal not to be able to always help, you aren't necessarily trained to properly do so! So try setting boundaries and be willing to protect your energy because it's very important to do so!

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

I've never done this much before but here are some things that popped into my head while working on your reading, perhaps some will resonate:

dove, E, C, television, sun salutations, ripples in the water, child showing someone a drawing.

please don't forget to give feedback, thank you!

Love you!

[bewitching-elizabeth-olsen]

Press: Elizabeth Olsen’s 20/21 Vision

The Marvel star takes us inside her transformation to a new kind of hero

GALLERY LINKS

Studio Photoshoots > 2021 > Session 002

Magazine Scans > 2021 > Grazia

  GRAZIA: Elizabeth Olsen is a trooper. We are in a field in Surrey on the outskirts of the Marvel studios; it’s a biting minus one and she is standing in a Chanel broderie anglaise sundress and increasingly soggy UGG boots. Her feline cheekbones face skywards, but Olsen is slowly sinking into the mud, trilling out high notes to keep herself warm (possibly distracted) and of course with spirits high. “It was the wind I think, that was worse than the sideways rain,” she jokes as we trundle back to the soundstage hangar that we are using as a studio. It’s the kind of moment that could go viral on Instagram, that is, if Olsen were on social media. Yet one of the biggest stars of our current cultural moment is completely offline – and that surprising fact might just be the least interesting thing about her. If anything, it is a sign of how Olsen has come into her own as a confident, decisive star with the power to create her own universe.

On the cusp of her 32nd birthday, Olsen is fastidious and professional, yes, but also bright, engaging, creative, and collaborative. Born and raised in the California sunshine, she is surprisingly at ease in the blustery conditions that deluge the English countryside in late January – or, it’s that she’s very good at acting. “It was one of the ugliest days of this winter – just hilarious – but I knew we wanted the shot,” the 31-year-old actress says.

Since October, Olsen’s been living in the leafy British countryside with her “man-guy-partner,” musician Robbie Arnett, just a short drive to the Surrey compound where Doctor Strange is being filmed. It’s a closed set, masked in secrecy as much as the socially distanced masked crew dotted all over the 200-acre studio. “It feels right being in a small city right now,” she says.

Indeed, Olsen is a modern-day Renaissance woman. Learned and dedicated to her craft, she studied at New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts, with a semester at the Moscow Art Theatre School studying Stanislavski. (Surely, no matter how much of a genius the Russian theatre master was, he never could have conceived of the Marvel universe.)

Approached with the concept of WandaVision, “I thought it was perfect for television, and a very original idea that made me excited,” Olsen says. Also, she was happy she would get to work with Bettany again: “He’s very precise, like me.”

In many ways, WandaVision is a love letter to the first American television heyday. Olsen, who stayed up late watching Nick at Nite reruns as a child, says it’s a bit of a homecoming in that way. “I was a very hammy, performative child,” she explains. “So, I do think I got to live out some sort of childhood dream doing the show.”

“The highlight was really getting to tell a story about these superhero individuals told in different decades of American sitcoms, trying to match the tone of those sitcoms in order to help orate the story,” she says. “But keep it playful and fun.” Little did she know just how much we’d need that.

Half-filmed pre-pandemic in Atlanta and half post-pandemic in LA – with a six-month hiatus in-between “until all the unions figured out to work safely” – WandaVision was released almost a year into the pandemic. In many ways, it is an artifact of its time: centered upon a yearning for the simplicity of earlier days, yet shot through with the creeping realization that such days may never return, and perhaps never existed to begin with.

Indeed, the weekly story of suburban superheroes Wanda and Vision has played out like a parable of our times: Wanda living in her chosen bubble, her trauma resonating in the world we find ourselves in today. Olsen appreciates a good metaphor, but feels people may be projecting a bit much. “I see Wanda as a victim of extreme trauma, who does not understand how to process it,” she explains. “She has been a human experiment.” (Not to belabor the point, but haven’t we all?)

Being summoned by Marvel is like being called to a parallel universe for an actor: thrilling, yes, but not without a tinge of terror and a dash of the unknown. Six years in, though, it’s become like family in some ways. As a member of two dynasties – Olsen and Marvel – family is key to Olsen. She checks in on her mom (who still lives in California) and, like many American daughters, is researching which vaccine mom should get.

The performative gene runs strong through her family, of course – and no, we don’t mean her sisters. Olsen’s mom was a ballerina. Still, when she first started auditioning, Olsen took special care to carve her own path – one far from Full House. “Nepotism is a thing and I’m very aware of it,” she says. “And of course, I’ve always wanted to do it alone.” She did just that, her acting credentials consistently rising as her sister’s cemented their fashion kudos. Olsen bears a noticeable resemblance to her fashion-designer older sisters and her sartorial DNA is similarly low-key. She loves The Row (of course) and NYC label Khaite’s denim and cashmere.

For Olsen, her day job is like playing dress-up. This time around, she walked away from WandaVision with the girdle worn underneath her 50s wedding dress, laughing, “I mean, to have a custom undergarment like that, I felt like it was necessary!” Her WandaVision co-star, Kathryn Hahn, also became her shopping cohort when filming.

“She’s dangerous!” Olsen says. “She has the most exquisite, minimal but expensive taste.” It was Hahn who led Olsen to the independent boutique where she found the belted Julia Jentzsch trench that she wore to our shoot.

At the rail of samples compiled by the stylist, Olsen gravitates towards a spacious linen boilersuit and longline cashmere cardigan. Has she always been a tomboy, I ask? “I think I felt uncomfortable being a child being told they were pretty,” she says of her early auditions at age 10, adding that her love of ballet and musical theater could leave her “feeling exposed” at a young age.

Speaking of over-exposure, Olsen is distinctly offline in a time when so many are defined by their social media presence. Among celebrities and regular digital citizens, the perfect balance of online and off is up for debate, but Olsen is clear: social media saturation is a choice for all of us, and everyone needs to draw their own boundaries.

“It has to be a personal decision, right?” she begins. “So, my opinion has nothing to do with what anyone else does or doesn’t do with it.” Her own journey began when she momentarily dabbled with Instagram (since deleted), while filming Ingrid Goes West, director Matt Spicer’s frightening and funny debut feature about a social stalker, co-starring Aubrey Plaza.

Up until that time, she says, “I had never touched it before. I thought, ‘This is an interesting social experiment for myself, to see if it is a good source to talk about charities or a good source to talk about small projects, or to share something goofier about myself.’ But I think at the end of the day, what I discovered was one, I’m really bad at creating a perceived identity!”

“I didn’t find it very organic to who I am as a person,” she continues. “I found some joy in putting up silly videos, but I think the main reason I stopped – not I think, I know the main reason why I stopped – was because of the organization in my brain.”

“Lots of horrible things happen all the time. Or, lots of great things happen all the time. Whether it’s something terrifying, like a natural disaster or a school shooting or a death, there are so many things that happen, and I love processing information. I love reading articles. I love listening to podcasts. I love communicating about things that are happening in the world to people around me. And what I don’t love is that my brain organization was saying, ‘Should I post about this?’ That seemed very unhealthy ….”

“And to then contribute to these platitudes that I don’t really love, you have to subscribe to two different ways of thinking,” she says. “So, I didn’t like that, and there was a lot of it that was just bothering me for my own sake of what value systems I have.”

That’s not to say that there’s any inherent value system – pro or con – in using Instagram. Olsen is clear that like any other method of expression, it’s up to the individual to use it as they see fit. “I do see a use of it and how you can use it well for work,” she says. “But I don’t think that I would like to use that tool to promote myself.”

She’s private for a millennial yes, but not prim. On the photoshoot, lockdown experiences were shared, and Olsen recounted her (hilarious) first at-home bikini wax: banishing her husband upstairs “for an extended chat with his therapist,” her trusted waxer on speed dial, and microwave set to ping! (Yes, Olsen is a trooper, as I mentioned.)

We catch up over Zoom a week later, her hair once again pulled up in a casual topknot, her cashmere turtleneck simmering in a dark claret, and her entire being suffused with covetable understatement. She chats buoyantly against an unexpected backdrop of pirate ship wallpaper in the playroom of a house she shares with Arnett, who proposed with an emerald and diamond ring in 2019.

“We first started to try to make it the gym, but it was so cramped,” she says of the jolly space. The home gym was instead awarded a larger room, where Olsen loves to maintain a varied fitness regime – running, yoga, dancing, more – though after all the intense Marvel filming, she jokes, “maybe it’s time to give up on my body?!” Being comic book fit does sound grueling or “time-consuming fun” as she anoints the “strenuous physical demands.”

Like most of us, she is longing for the spring, but she still takes a regular constitutional walk in a nearby Richmond park, whatever the weather. “The deer are incredible; every time I see them I feel alive,” she says. “We have been lucky to have nature around us in lockdown.” It’s a marked difference from her paparazzi-populated home in the Hills. “They know our walks, where we get coffee, work-out…,” she trails off.

Her haven in Los Angeles is her backyard, complete with a mid-century swimming pool and an edible garden. “It’s crazy the blackberries grow like weeds! I love watching a kid’s first reaction to an edible garden,” she gushes That has been the part of the pandemic travel restrictions she’s found hardest: missing her friend’s children growing up, and others who have been born this past year that she’s yet to meet. They will no doubt all be treated to her homemade blackberry sorbet on her return stateside.

Yet, her time on British soil will likely be prolonged, with a prospective indie commencing filming here when Doctor Strange wraps. Prompted for more detail, her firm charm kicks in. “I can’t jinx it!” she insists. Still, she will share that she’s heavily involved in the creative, and that funding smaller productions in the current climate has been a challenge.

Through it all, Olsen has remained determined and calm. “I feel patience is my superpower. But my weakness also,” she says. “I feel like it gets tested more than others who don’t have a lot of patience. If someone learns you’re easygoing or that you’re relaxed, sometimes it gets taken advantage of.” While she waits for the green light on that film, she is busy producing a new children’s cartoon with Arnett, “about loving and caring for our world,” and has also written a children’s book about to be published by Random House, all while the demands of Marvel life continue to surround her.

Indeed, Olsen is a superhero for the modern age: Multi-hyphenate, but fiercely devoted to the craft that she loves; instantly recognizable, yet thoughtfully protective of her private life; a woman with style, substance, success, and deep rewarding relationships with those around her; focused on a vision of a better world for us all.

Press: Elizabeth Olsen’s 20/21 Vision was originally published on Elizabeth Olsen Source • Your source for everything Elizabeth Olsen

[celestial-violencia]

Shadow WORK for a Reason

An essay on the absolute lack of self-awareness and staunch refusal to better oneself in the spiritual community by a frustrated and tired Kat who has had enough of your excuse bullshit

PART ONE: BASICS

What is shadow work?            Shadow work is taking responsibility for and dealing with your shortcomings (Yes, everyone has shortcomings, welcome to being human). It is addressing the shadow self, things that we have repressed or things that have resulted in internalized negativity, and identifying and making changes to our behaviors and reactions by using cognizant behavioral techniques.

What isn’t shadow work?            Shadow work is not spiritual bypassing, removing responsibility from yourself for your actions, pretending you don’t have anything to work on, making excuses, using toxic positivity to avoid facing your shadow self, etc.

Who is shadow work for?            Literally everyone. There is no limit. Are you cognizant of yourself? Congratulations, you qualify for shadow work! Take a medal and start putting in work.

What does shadow work entail?            Shadow work can be done in many different ways. Journal prompts, guided meditation, therapy, cognitive behavioral techniques and exercises, pretty much anything that enables you to look at and honestly assess traits in yourself, where you need to change, and ways to apply those changes. It entails actively working on yourself. It is an on-going process that does not end. You are never perfect. But you are better than you were and that is what matters.

PART TWO: SOCIAL CONFORMITIES AND SHADOW WORK

Over time, I have seen an absolute lack of work in shadow work. Excuses range from “ableism” to toxic positivity to refusal to admit a fear of change to overcome it. People are so averse to shadow work that the thought of taking a look at your actions and changing is considered “negative” and not allowed in people’s “safe spaces.” The current social trend seems to be coddling people from change because of toxic positivity or the groupthink of “If they change, I should be changing, and I don’t want to,” whether people will admit it or not. People get comfortable in their misery, want other people to be miserable, and/or even manipulate their lack of change to milk sympathy from others and refuse to look in themselves and see it for what it is. However, that’s still toxic, and whether they lack the self-awareness to see it doesn’t change what their behavior is. They want to change, but they just can’t. Well, I can’t with the excuses, period dot amen as my old religious studies teacher would say. The bottom line is, if you want change, you need to put in work. If toxic negativity is affecting you, it is not enough to go to a therapist, cry for an hour, and then go right back to the same behaviors that got you to that therapist in the first place. Does this mean that shadow work is instantaneous? NO. It is a lifelong process. But what matters is that you are constantly making progress. You can have bad days. You can have slip ups. We are human. But the overall trend of the graph should be upwards. I am not perfect. None of us are. Shadow work is not a safe space for you to hide from your responsibilities, negative traits, and negative behaviors and quite frankly? That safe space shouldn’t exist. Shadow work is 100% necessary. Now we’re going to break down excuses people like to cling to as if they’re lifelines while nope, they’re still drowning.

PART THREE: COMMON EXCUSES AND WHY THEY’RE BULLSHIT

“Ableism”/Victim-Blaming I can’t count how many times the word “ableism” has been thrown around as an excuse for not doing shadow work or working on yourself, along with “victim-blaming.” To start, you’re using the word ableism wrong. Shadow work does not require you to be physically able. Shadow work does not require you to be neurotypical. Shadow work does not require anything except the ability to know yourself. Mental illness, while it can add additional challenges, is not an excuse to avoid shadow work. If you are cognizant of yourself, once again, congratulations! Shadow work is for you. Shadow work is for people who have been victimized too, folks. You know what’s disempowering? Perpetual victimhood. You know what’s empowering? Giving people who have been victimized tools to establish healthy boundaries, recognize toxic behaviors, and provide ways to heal and break the cycle of perpetual victimhood. Looking at what part your own actions may have played in allowing people who are toxic to stay in your life is not blaming the victim. It is helping them realize where they should have drawn the line, how to draw that line, and how to maintain healthy boundaries for what they deem to be toxic in their lives. Does that mean it was their fault they were targeted by a toxic person? NO. But it allows them to find ways to keep the toxic people at bay. It is protection. It is giving them their autonomy back in being able to decide who and what they want in their lives and to heal from their trauma. To call that disempowering or blaming the victim is honestly stupid as fuck.

LALKs and Toxic Positivity            What is a LALK? A Love and Light Karen/Ken/Other-K-name-here. What do LALKs love more than anything else? Toxic positivity. What is toxic positivity you ask? It’s like a team of soccer parents who will never tell you you’re wrong, coddle you, and say things like “It’s fine, sweetie, you’re doing great drowning! Keep it up! Love and light! Spiritually bypass like your life depends on it!” while their eyes twitch and they’re one negative thought away from a total mental breakdown but won’t admit it. Leave this shit at the door. Always being positive is not genuine, it does not help you, and just adds pressure on you that you wouldn’t otherwise have. It can cost you relationships and just lets the shadow grow until it consumes you like some whack horror movie and lets it destroy your life like a town in a superhero movie. Don’t do this.

BUT MUH TRAUMA            “But Kat! I have trauma. Doesn’t that mean I can coddle myself and not put in any work?” Sure, you can take some time to recover but guess what? Shadow work is still necessary for you, too. Some people would argue that trauma makes it more necessary. You may have to take it slower than others because trauma shadow work can involve facing triggers head on, but does that make you exempt? Nope. What would you rather, to integrate and heal your trauma when you’re ready for it? Or keep repressing and denying it until you’re absolutely forced to deal with it and haven’t readied yourself?

NO WAIT I AM TOO SCARED TO CHANGE! DON’T MAKE ME DO THINGS!            Fear is normal. Not wanting to face the uglier parts of ourselves is natural. Letting that fear hold you back is never going to benefit you. Ease your way into it. Fight the fear. Take it a step at a time. Once again, this is a process and not an instant fix. You can take this journey at your own pace. The important thing is you keep moving forward and keep putting in work. Never working on yourself out of fear is just going to force you to do so when you hit rock bottom. Choose your adventure: Go quietly and at your own pace or get dragged through the shadow work spike pit kicking and screaming. I think we both know what the better option is.

PART FOUR: CONCLUSION           Avoiding shadow work is just going to harm you. Perpetually allowing yourself to engage in repetitive behaviors that are toxic to yourself and others because you don’t want to put in work should be illegal (I would say punishable offense, but you’re going to get punished by alienating yourself, etc. when you’re forced to face the consequences of your own actions and how your own toxicity affects others). Holding yourself back out of fear is not going to make you happy in the long run.

DO YOUR SHADOW WORK.

[harderbetterfasterstarker]

not starker, but why the hell not. i recently finished this endhawks fic, and endhawks is a ship that i feel like hits a lot of the same buttons for me as starker does, so if you’re interested, check out the first two chapters below, and the rest is on ao3 here. 

Local Teen schemes to shame father, accidentally gets him a boyfriend instead.

Enji watched carefully now, took in the way that Hawks and Shouto were tucked into a corner of the room. Enji couldn’t see his face clearly, just the edge of his profile, but it was enough to see that the sharp grin that had fallen from his face while he listened to Shouto was replaced now by a soft smile. Whatever he said brought a similar expression to Shouto’s face. Without understanding why, Enji looked away, struck with a sudden pang of emotion, too much all at once, and at first it registered as anger—always anger—but he wasn’t that kind of man anymore, so after a long moment clenching his hands, the tight hot knot of anger loosened, fell into separate threads of—sadness (I’ve never seen Shouto smile like that before, never), jealousy (why Hawks? what did he do to make you smile? why are you sharing this moment?), pride (because I’m glad it’s Hawks, you are both such good heroes, such good men), and, right there at the center of the knot, anger (at himself, always at himself, for not deserving these moments).

It had been a long meeting, at the end of a long week, but, after all they’d been through, there was something comforting about even the mildly overwhelming roar of so many heroes’ discordant chatter. Ostensibly, the purpose of these meetings was to facilitate information sharing, but Enji knew that they were as much about the reassurance of each other’s presence as anything else. They’d lost enough that it was still a relief to hear Fatgum’s loud laughter, Mirko’s booming voice as she retold the story of some villain capture. One voice he kept waiting to hear and didn’t—and Enji found himself turning to scan the room, until his eyes found bright red wings, and he could let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. It wasn’t that he didn’t know that Hawks was fine, but there was something about seeing those wings flutter and shift, the slope of his jaw as his mouth edged into a grin as he said something to make Shouto laugh—

Shouto?

Enji watched carefully now, took in the way that Hawks and Shouto were tucked into a corner of the room. Not out of sight, obviously, but far enough away that their conversation obviously read as private. After the laughter ended, Shouto said something else to Hawks, his face falling back into that tight little frown that he seemed to wear most of the time. Hawks listened for a while—actually listened, which was a shock in and of itself, that he wasn’t interrupting to bug and nag like he constantly did to Enji, which much mean this was something serious—and then was reaching out to rest a hand on Shouto’s shoulder. Enji couldn’t see his face clearly, just the edge of his profile, but it was enough to see that the sharp grin that had fallen from his face while he listened to Shouto was replaced now by a soft smile. Whatever he said brought a similar expression to Shouto’s face. Without understanding why, Enji looked away, struck with a sudden pang of emotion, too much all at once, and at first it registered as anger—always anger—but he wasn’t that kind of man anymore, so after a long moment clenching his hands, the tight hot knot of anger loosened, fell into separate threads of—sadness (I’ve never seen Shoto smile like that before, never), jealousy (why Hawks? what did he do to make you smile? why are you sharing this moment?), pride (because I’m glad it’s Hawks, you are both such good heroes, such good men), and, right there at the center of the knot, anger (at himself, always at himself, for not deserving these moments).  

“Endeavor-san?” Enji turned around to see the Midoriya kid looking up at him with those huge green eyes, holding one of those notebooks of his, and turned his attention to answering the kid’s question.

*

“Shouto.”

They were on their way out of the agency, Bakugo and Midoriya arguing over something just a few yards ahead, so Endeavor kept his voice low. The only indication that Shouto had heard him was a slight tension to his shoulders and a muttered ‘what’ so low that Enji almost didn’t hear it.

“What were you talking to Hawks about today? After the hero meeting?”

If anything, Shouto got tenser, his shoulders creeping higher.

“Nothing.”

“Is it something about hero work? Because Hawks is undoubtedly a good hero, but I could help with any questions you have.”

“Drop it, it’s nothing.” Shouto’s voice had edged out of his normal monotone and into a dangerous level of flatness, one that Enji was beginning to learn to heed, so he stayed silent and let Shouto catch up with Midoriya and Bakugo and slot in-between them to play peacemaker.

*

A week later, Hawks climbed through his office window while he was doing paperwork.

“Hawks.” He was trying for stern, but since everything at Jaku, Enji had had a hard time being stern with Hawks.

“Hey big guy! I know, I know—doors, not windows, but, c’mon, you’ve ridden in your elevator. Long wait, crowded, bo-ring. Why ride when you can fly?” Hawks was crossing the room to lean on an edge of his desk, while he let one of his feathers shut the window behind him.

“What are you doing here?”

“I just happened to be in the neighborhood, decided to drop in, check in, you know—the usual.” At that moment, Enji heard the distinct sound of a stomach growling, and turned to glare at Hawks.

“Really?”

“I mean maybe I forgot to eat lunch, but you know how busy heroing is! That’s not why I dropped by—or at least, not the only reason. I like you for more than your wallet, Endeavor-san.” Hawks was laughing, but his feathers were ruffling in a distinctly nervous way and he was running a hand through his hair. Enji sighed, and shoved his paperwork to the side.

“I’m too busy to go out anywhere—behind on paperwork after that minor gang bust earlier this week. We’ll go to the cafeteria.”

Hawks kept up his inane chatter as they walked through the halls down to the agency cafeteria on the second floor of his building, through the line for food, and all the way to the table, where Enji noticed that, as soon as they sat down, Hawks’ left wing slumped slightly, at an awkward angle.

“Hawks,�� he said, interrupting the younger hero mid-sentence halfway through some kind of story about one of Mirko’s sidekicks’ birthday. “How did you get here?”

“Well, you see, when a mama bird loves a daddy bird—”

“You flew, didn’t you?” The sudden tightness in Hawks’ jaw and the bob his throat as he swallowed gave him away. “Hawks—you’re not supposed to be straining your wings or the new muscle in your back like that.”

“Number one, I didn’t know you cared!” Hawks was laughing cheekily, but avoided making eye contact.

“If you strain the muscle, you could do permanent damage. It’s a hero’s job to take care of themselves, Hawks.” He listened to Hawks’ half-hearted apologies and promises, making a mental note to keep a closer eye on the man, and noticed Shouto’s eyes on them from across the cafeteria.

*

“Was it about starting your own agency?”

“Was what—my conversation with Hawks? I told you to drop it.”

They were walking towards the UA dorms together—Shouto insisted that the students didn’t need to be walked to the door like children, but, thankfully, Eraserhead agreed with Enji that no matter how much the kids had proved themselves in battle, unnecessary risks remained unnecessary.

“Because while I hope you know that I would be happy for you to take over the agency some day, it’s fine if you want to start your own. Admirable, even. I could tell you about the early days of the agency. When I inherited it from your grandfather, it wasn’t—it was essentially starting anew. I could—”

“It wasn’t about starting my own agency.” Shouto had quickened his pace, and they were at the door to the dorms now.

“Well, then, was it—”

Shouto had shut the door in his face.

*

Enji knew he should drop it. He’d heard enough from his therapist about respecting boundaries, especially the fragile ones his children were trying to draw as they struggled their way towards healthy relationships with their father. But he couldn’t stop thinking about the look on Shouto’s face, that soft little smile—the trust in it, the comfort in it—and the twist of jealousy in his gut when he thought about that smile directed at him. He just wanted to show Shouto that if he would just let Enji in, he could be worth that smile too.

They were washing up after family dinner on a Thursday, the only two left in the estate. Fuyumi and Natsuo had already left to go back to the home they shared with Rei, and Enji would drive Shouto back to the UA dorms soon. Even silently washing dishes, Shouto’s mouth was drawn into a tiny little frown, and Enji couldn’t help but picture that smile.

“Was it about—”

“Seriously? It wasn’t even hero stuff, it was about guy stuff, okay?” Shouto dropped the plate he’d been holding, and Enji winced as he watched it chip against the counter.

“Guy stuff? Shouto, I’m a—”

“Not about being a guy. About being… into guys.”

There was a long, hesitant pause between them. Enji’s mind was flickering between stunned silence and deafening moments of too many thoughts, too much input.

“Because, you know, Hawks and Mirko are the only out heroes in the top ten.”

One thought floated to the top of Enji’s brain, and he couldn’t begin to (refused to) guess at why it was the first thought that came out.

“Hawks is gay?”

“I—Are you kidding?” One of the parts of Enji’s brain that was still working noted a lick of flame flickering across Shouto’s cheek. “I come out to you and that’s the first thing you have to say? You’re not surprised I’m gay?”

This—this he knew the answer to, though his mouth was still moving faster than his brain, and his therapist had warned him about speaking without thinking about thinking through the consequences first, but the last thing he’d said was Hawks is gay and the realization was still ringing in his brain when this should be about Shouto.

“Shouto. When you were six you informed me you were going to marry All Might.”

“And you told me to shut up with that disgusting nonsense!”

“Of course I did—you weren’t going to marry All Might!”

“Oh my—so you’re seriously trying to tell me you weren’t homophobic, that this was just about your stupid hatred of All Might?”

“Of course I’m not homophobic, I—” Enji could feel the temperature rising on both sides of the sink, could see more flames licking across Shouto’s face, uncontrolled, and he stopped himself. Took a long, deep breath the way that he’d practiced, let his mind clear into nothingness and then let himself feel each emotion, let each unnecessary thought drift away until he could find the words he wanted to say, the ones he meant to say.

“Shouto. I’m sorry that I ever made you feel like you had to hide this part of yourself from me. Who you love will not stop me from being proud of you. I understand why you didn’t want to tell me or talk to me about this, and I’m glad Hawks is someone you feel comfortable speaking about this with.”

Shouto looked frozen, eyes wide open, as Enji slowly turned to continue doing the dishes. Silence reigned until they were sitting in the car on the way back to UA, when Shouto finally muttered, eyes fixed firmly out the window—

“Thanks, Dad.”

*

The next day at the weekly hero meeting, Enji couldn’t help but notice Hawks more than usual. He’d never bothered learning any personal information about his fellow heroes—irrelevant—and he told himself that it remained irrelevant. It shouldn’t change the way that he saw Hawks at all.

He watched Hawks stretch his wings behind himself, laughing at something Mirko said.

Nothing should change.

He watched Hawks take a seat next to his intern, the one from Shouto’s class, leaning over to mutter something to the stoic teen that made a hint of a smile break out on his face.

Nothing should change.

From across the room, Shouto’s eyes on him caught his attention. Shouto looked away before they made eye contact and turned to Bakugo, saying something that started more of Bakugo’s infernal yelling.

Nothing had changed.

*

It wasn’t even a week later that Hawks was at his office door again.

“I used the elevator this time. Aren’t you proud of me, number one?” He looked pleased with himself, and a little more put together than the last time Enji had seen him. His wings looked good—fuller than before, no drooping. He could never say that out loud, though, because even Enji had the emotional wherewithal to realize that Hawks hated to be pitied, for anyone to act like Hawks should be anything other than his absolute best, so his brain just skipped ahead to—

“Why are you here?”

At that, something in Hawks’ bright grin faltered, and something somewhere in Enji’s gut fell painfully in response.  He’d been trying to be—not nicer, per se, but… better. Not for everyone, but at least for the people who mattered. For his family. For Shouto’s friends. Inexplicably, for Hawks. He’s told himself that he owes Hawks, is all. Hawks’ injuries were his fault (Hawks’ beautiful red wings, another casualty burned up in Endeavor’s flames).

“For lunch. You… invited me?”

Hawks’s tone fell just short of his usual carefree air, and Enji blinked, momentarily stunned by the realization that Hawks actually wasn’t just doing his usual teasing. “I didn’t.”

“I did,” another voice echoed from the hallway outside his office, and Enji’s attention shifted to see Shouto, his friends hovering behind him awkwardly, mismatched eyes meeting Enji’s gaze with a challenging stare. “Is that a problem?”

And—oh. “Of course it’s not a problem,” Enji replied, keeping his eyes on Shouto’s, ignoring the urge to examine the nervous fluttering of Hawks’ wings he could see in his peripheral vision. “I’ll just—uh, see you all later.”

“The reservation is for five,” Shouto said, turning around and heading towards the elevator. “Might as well come too, old man.”

Shouto said nothing further on the subject as the motley group made their way out of the agency and through streets teeming with the midday lunch rush. Shouto said nothing further on any subject, actually, keeping his usual silence. Between Midoriya, frantically quizzing Hawks on his latest villain takedown while scribbling notes in that damn notebook of his, and Hawks, answering good-naturedly and dealing with any civilian interest in the group, the walk passed with as little awkwardness as could be expected. Enji had never thought he’d be grateful for Midoriya’s incessant chatter, but he supposed there was a first time for everything. And, when he was honest with himself, the kid wasn’t that bad; even before Shigaraki, Enji had found himself almost fond of him, if only because he was such a good friend to Shouto. He looked between the babbling boy and Shouto, spying Shouto huffing a short laugh at something Midoriya was saying. Maybe they—should he tell Shouto that he would approve? Of Midoriya? No, Shouto wouldn’t care for his approval, right? Unless… Shouto had, actually, in the end, been nervous about telling Enji about his sexuality, had thought that Enji had disapproved. But would saying he would approve of Midoriya imply that there were choices that Enji would disapprove of? And while that wasn’t necessarily wrong—Enji’s eyes lingered on Bakugo, who was currently yelling at a passerby who’d had the misfortune of being saved from stepping into traffic by the angry teen—for Shouto, Enji would put those feelings aside.

They’d made it the restaurant and were sitting down, and Enji still didn’t know what, if anything, to say to Shouto. Enji never knew what to say to Shouto. He’d spent his whole life working from the scripts of his father, and his grandfather before him, only to realize that they were—that he was a failure, as a hero, and as a father, and to start all over at square one, half his life spent walking down the wrong path. He kept trying to be better, but even still, he knew that more than half the time he said or did the wrong thing—voice too loud, tone too harsh, Shouto’s shoulders flinching imperceptibly or his stare going just that bit more icy. And now there were more landmines for him to desperately try to avoid.

Caught in his own thoughts, he didn’t notice the attention of several sets of eyes on him until he felt one of Hawks’ feathers nudging at his back.

“Sorry, Shouto-kun, didn’t quite catch that,” Hawks said breezily, and Enji glanced over at the grinning hero and wished that he was the kind of person who knew how to express his gratitude in some kind of simple, subtle way. But he didn’t have Hawks’ feathers—all his fire could do was burn.

“I asked if you knew of any gay bars.” Shouto’s stare shifted to Enji, though his tone didn’t change at all. “I decided I’d like to go to one.”

Blessedly, everything was silent for a long moment, while Enji tried to force his brain to think of—if not the right response, any alright response. He instinctively knew that this was a test, of sorts, a public challenge from Shouto, and one he couldn’t afford to mess up—not just in front of Shouto, but in front of Midoriya, bright red and eyes wider than Enji had ever seen them, Bakugo, snorting and rolling his eyes, and in front of Hawks—Hawks who was looking up at him with real surprise in his golden eyes and a light flush across his cheeks, Hawks who had been his biggest fan, Hawks who had looked up to him as a hero since he was a kid, Hawks who was gay.

But time was running out, the moment was stretching too long, and so Enji just sighed and said, “No drinking until you’re 20.”

Bakugo let out a short bark of laughter, though Enji breathed easier when Shouto scowled, as if the laughter was at his expense and not at Enji’s. He cast a half-glance over at Hawks to find that even though the flush on his face had deepened, he was looking back at Enji with a smile, big and bright like he’d done that first time they’d had lunch in Fukuoka. Fuck, Enji needed to thank Hawks. He couldn’t say anything in front of Shouto, it would embarrass him, and it wasn’t like Enji was any good at putting together the right words, anyway, but—

Because Enji was staring right at Hawks, he noticed the sudden tension in the younger man’s body and the shiver that rippled through his wings a half-second before he registered the vibrations of the ground beneath them and the beginning sounds of screams, so he was only a step behind the winged hero on their way out the door, listening to the interns tripping over themselves to follow them.

Now wasn’t the time, but later—he’d thank Hawks later.

*

Later didn’t come the next time Enji saw Hawks, or the time after that, or even the time after that. Enji was used to Hawks dropping by his office once every couple of weeks, if that, seeing him at top hero meetings, maybe an occasional phone call on a tip or lead one of them had. But somehow, Shouto had figured out that Hawks was working on a long-term case and staying nearby, and so the awkward lunches had become a weekly event, and then twice weekly. Not that Enji had an issue with Hawks’ more frequent presence, but all the moments that he used to get with Hawks bled into their lunches, he didn’t dare say anything to Hawks with Shouto around—he still got the sense that Shouto was assessing him somehow—and he didn’t know how to get a moment with Hawks alone. He could say something, but the words never quite came right to his brain, he always felt half-tripped up, and so he just… left, ignoring the feeling of Hawks’ eyes on him.

And then there were the times Enji was glad Hawks wasn’t around.

The agency was oddly quiet, for once, and Enji walked down to the cafeteria to see a group of his sidekicks huddled around a table with their heads bent low, the interns too, mumbling and passing something back and forth. Shouto glanced up when he heard Enji come in, and Enji saw a shadow of something like amusement pass across Shouto’s face, but before he could really identify what it was, his expression was back to its usual placidity.

“Why don’t we get the opinion of the number one hero himself?” Shouto said, just loudly enough for his voice to carry across the room to Enji’s ears. He started heading for the table, curiosity bleeding into his irritation at his staff for whatever distraction they were entertaining, growing stronger as Burnin herself looked up from whatever was on the table, her normally grinning face horrified and as red as Enji’s flames.

“What is this,” Enji said, staring down at whatever Burnin was trying to half-cover with her body.

“We were just looking at Hawks’ latest advertising campaign. What do you think, old man?” Shouto’s voice had that challenging tone again, as he pulled what turned out to be a magazine from Burnin’s desperate grip and handed it to Enji.

It took all of Enji’s hard-won control to keep the flames on his face from flaring out dangerously as he looked at the image in front of him, but he did note that several of his sidekicks winced at the sudden temperature increase he couldn’t help. Because Hawks’ face was staring up at him from the page, looking over his shoulder from between red wings spread proudly, his usual playful expression suddenly intense, body posed in such a way that he looked half a second from taking off, perched on a boulder in nothing but a pair of too-tight swim trunks. After he’d torn his eyes away from picture-Hawks’ piercing stare, his attention caught on the line of Hawks’ back—a long, lithe line, rippling with the muscle Enji knew Hawks had worked painstakingly to build back up so he could fly again, and—absolutely covered in burn scars, skin mottled and warped, jarring differences where the grafts had been, and Enji couldn’t stop himself from bringing his thumb up across the page to trace the skin. The text, advertising—cologne? who knew?—read “fly free”.

Someone coughed, and Enji realized he’d been looking at the picture for too long. He fought the urge to flare up in embarrassment again, and instead cleared his throat. They’d asked for his opinion?

“Being a hero means being a public figure, which means getting asked to do endorsements and advertising like this frequently. How to handle it depends on the type of image you have and want to project as a hero—endorsements that seem genuine and are well-received from heroes like Fat Gum or Mt. Lady would seem awkward or insincere from a hero like Eraserhead or Nighteye.”

Midoriya had reached into his backpack to get his notebook, but Shouto shot an impatient glare at the magazine in Enji’s hand.

“That’s why I don’t do these kind of things often—not because I disapprove of them categorically, but because they don’t fit with my image. The hardest thing to balance with endorsements and advertisements is how to appear in them while still maintaining enough an appearance of strength that people feel they can count on you as a hero in times of crisis. Hawks is the current hero who achieves that balance best.”

Enji noticed, with some small satisfaction, several jaws dropping around the table. He didn’t often praise others, but what he was saying was true—he’d known it from the first time he’d patrolled with Hawks, that the younger man could pull off a public image that simultaneously led people to both genuinely like him as a person and genuinely trust in him as a hero. It wasn’t until after Jaku that he’d realized just how much of a well-orchestrated facade it had all been, but it just made Enji admire the man more—that Hawks knew what it meant to struggle for the success.

“And the best heroes can make these opportunities work for them. Hawks’ injuries after his—after the—” Enji stumbled slightly, thinking of Touya’s face twisted in maniacal glee, “after last year are public knowledge, to a degree. By taking an opportunity like this, he ends the quiet speculation about them while still showing them from a position of strength. And the product tagline might as well be a hero slogan here—not only emphasizing the strength in flying, but the freedom of showing the scars.”

Midoriya was writing so quickly Enji thought he could hear the pencil ripping through paper, and Shouto was looking up at him with a dumbfounded expression on his face. None of them knew he was essentially paraphrasing a conversation he’d had with his PR agent long ago, on whether to attempt reconstructive surgery to reduce the appearance of the scar on his face after the battle with the High End, but the point had been the same both times. He’s glad Hawks got the chance to make this point, to show his strength for the whole of Japan to see, because—Enji glanced back down at the magazine in his hand, the glossy sheen of the paper over the gnarled lines of the scars, and realized his thumb was running over the proud angle of Hawks’ back again.

He tossed the magazine back onto the table, where it landed with a smack that seemed too loud for the suddenly quiet room.

“Now get back to work, all of you.”

*

The next week, Shouto came to Enji’s office of his own volition for the first time since he’d started at the agency. Enji dropped his paperwork immediately.

“Shouto.”

“… Endeavor,” Shouto returned, and Enji tried not to let the missing ‘Dad’ bother him. It was enough that Shouto was here—speaking to him, learning from him, tolerating him. He didn’t deserve to ask for more. So he just nodded, waited while Shouto realized that Enji wasn’t going to say anything about the form of address.

“What you said about Hawks’ ad campaign…” Something twisted in Shouto’s expression, and Enji startled to realize that he looked almost… sad, or guilty, just for a moment. “It’s not something we’ve talked about a lot in school yet. I know some of the other students at their internships and work studies have gone along to things like that, and I wanted to…” Shouto trailed off, just the hint of a blush on his cheeks, embarrassed at having to ask, and Enji understood.

“Of course. I don’t often do those, but I could find another hero for you to shadow to—”

“No,” Shouto interrupted, all traces of his blush gone. “I mean—I’d like to see how you handle it.”

And Enji hadn’t done any kind of advertising campaign in at least ten years, but—Shouto cared about how he would handle it, as a hero. Shouto wanted to learn from him, and not anyone else.

“I’ll talk to my secretary and try to get something set up.”

In lieu of a response, Shouto just nodded and turned to head for the door. After hesitating for a moment longer, watching his son’s back with a mix of hope and pride and guilt, Enji finally reached for the paperwork he’d set down when Shouto first walked in.

“Thanks,” Shouto suddenly said, stopping on the threshold and looking back over his shoulder at Enji. In the moment before the door shut between them, Enji thought he could see a hint of that same guilt he’d seen before, when he’d mentioned what Enji had said about Hawks. But then the door closed, the expression was gone, and Enji was left to chalk it up to underlying guilt about Touya—something Enji was painfully familiar with—and let it go.

[aprito]

hello <3 since i got these asks at the same time i decided to combine my thoughts on them in this post. yet another annoying sjw essay from yours truly on this blog 

before i get into these i think i need to preface why im like. i guess overly hyperfocused on a certain unproblematic base (same age au / platonic canon) for them and avoid the ped0philic content like the plague lol

tw for pedophilia ment, rape ment if that makes you squicky. ALSO THIS IS LONG AND RAMBLY

as i’ve mentioned a couple times already, ive been into the ship since i was 12, back when it was very very common to not only post untagged (nsfw) canonverse content of the two in writing and in drawing but also non con and the like, so you can imagine how bad my first impression online was. thinking back on it ...as a child i found it disturbing but didnt really register how problematic it really was?? (i know, but i also lived in the middle of nowhere and had no one explain this to me) 

skip to 2014 aka me coming back to naruto at 17ish and i had kinda become hyper aware of the fact that there was an increasing amount of people online who had come forward with explaining how fictional problematic content, mostly pedophilia, had been used to groom them into starting relationships with adullts. it was also a time where a lot of people didnt believe these victims, not registering how common it was for minors to be online friends with adults who had no boundaries and no qualms exposing them such content. not gonna get into my personal life here but i was lucky to not having gone through this myself. like... it kinda was my first time truly realising how fiction can EASILY be used to manipulate others irl (and yes i will not argue this, if you dont think fictional media can form and manipulate people’s opinions on attitudes, countries, cultures and virtues, pick up a book about the effects of propaganda media at least once please) 

i, being young, still liking the dynamic but not really the romance, would point this out here and there in the fandom and get into fights with grown adults in their mid 20s who assumed i automatically hated the ship(s) and tried to restrict their freedom of speech or whatever, heard everything from the “age of consent doesnt exist in naruto” to the “sasori looks like a child what does it matter” despite people clearly playing on him being older and experienced. it made me so upset that people were just consuming all this content uncritically and exposing children to it tbh?? not really just sos but a lot of minor/adult ships in naruto in general. and thats where i sat down and thought, i do not want to be a grown adult talking down to children that point out how unsafe the fandom is. theyre absolutely right in drawing these boundaries and calling out adults who defend the uncritical consumption and creation of this content. i do not want to consume or create content that predators could use to groom minors, and i absolutely do want to let younger people in fandom know that i am respecting their comfort zones and want them to have a safe and fun experience. after all, naruto is not an adult show and i think a lot of people forget that!!!! i am not perfect in that regard but its something that i, at the age of 23, am very passionate about and strive towards to.

and i guess thats where same age au was born for me and i have been sticking to it ever since. 

so finally we can move to the first question 

aside from the fact that we both dont like canon sos, i dont think it would work out even if i wasnt prejudiced to it anyways. in all honesty, 35 year old canon sasori is not a redeemable character to me, given the fact that he’s easily amongst the cruelest villains in naruto (torturing and killing and taxiderming people for his own fun personal gain, never for a goal that served anyone but himself. how do you redeem having over 300 corpses in your backpack that you felt absolutely no remorse for killing). sasori was legit one of the only cruel villains that didnt had someone else pull the strings, which sends a clear message on kishi’s part, who absolutely loves to redeem villains LOL.

being that old, he obviously had already been very manifested in what he believed in, even if it was shakey, to the point where the first crack in that world view (sakura and chiyo protecting each other) immediately had him give up on his life all together. that, in my opinion, is not a man who’s going to know what healthy relationships would look like, regardless of it being romantic or not. 35 year old sasori to me has the same appeal as an expired can of tuna and he’s probably very happy 6 feet under. he’s supposed to be a failed gaara in that sense that he had no one to look out for him and therefore was never going to experience anything but a bad ending in life. its fine that hes dead honestly, it wraps up his short character development the best IMO.

adding to that, seriously, sakura was obviously interested in knowing why he was that way, and called him out for being seriously fucked in the head, but it’s weird to me that people assume she had any interest in actively rehabilitating him, let alone starting a serious romantic relationship with him. sakura who’s not only very, uhm, immature and straight forward when it comes to her romantic viewpoints also, as a big bootlicker, wouldnt soil her standing in the village by starting anything with a disgraced and far too gone criminal like sasori. shipping that version of sasori with sakura intimately is still going to set her up for a huge power imbalance that would be difficult to handle imo, even if she was the one in the fight ultimately exerting her power over him. i would still look at it and think damn she deserves better than having to play therapist for man like that lol.

additionally, even if you ignored all of this, you cant really ignore that sasori had already known her as a child, and that had been his first and most impactful impression of her. i dont think that sasori would look at 35 year old sakura and see her as a grown woman and not the little green girl she was in the fight. plus, you easily fall into predatory comparison territory between the “childish” and “womanly” and i have seen way too often in fic just being boiled down to her now being fuckable. a lot of of ships do this and i would just like to remind yall thats it not normal for adults to want to start relationships with children they have seen grown up or known as a child when they themselves were fully grown adults. therefore, maybe if sakura hadnt met sasori before it would be less of a problem? but that also obviously defeats the point of the dynamic and the reason he died in the first place. so yeah, it sounds kind of doomed especially if you were to make it romantic. 

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE SECOND QUESTION

let me preface this that im not fundamentally against age gaps, even if im not super interested in it. after all, colorblind had a 5 yr age gap (with sakura being 21), even if, say, i wrote similar fics today i probably would make it smaller lol. i think it can be handled well if both parties have enough life experience to deal with it, and the author is cautious of where the age gap starts, i think a 10+ year age gap would be fine in a scenario where the younger party (i guess sakura) was at least 25-27ish, meaning she has completed most of her most formative life stages and probably had been in relationships before, meaning she would be able to handle it without having to fear a huge power imbalance. the older the younger party is the less the age gap is going to matter tbh .TsukiHoshino and AngelOfDeath10 both handle age gaps in their fics really well imo, so i do not mind reading about them.

unfortunately, a lot of people in this fandom think making sakura barely "”””legal””””” (18, not even 20 which is hilarious to me because the source material is obviously japanese) because they both cannot stand her being past her “prime years” of being young fertile and fuckable to much older men as well as thinking a 20 year old is automatically old enough to handle that type of relationship. ive seen a lot of unironic takes that believe it will absolve them of callout posts if they throw around age of consent and “shes 18 now suckers!!!” enough lmfao. absolutely hilarious. aging a minor up without aging the adult down seriously reeks of predatory “cant wait until youre 18″ narratives and thats why i find it similarly disturbing as straight up pedo shipping.

ultimately, sasosaku is and will always be a inherently problematic ship in canon, which is why i think it should always be handled a little more responsibly in fandom spaces, ignoring or outright excusing the main problem factor, which is sasori, isnt going to convince anyone that the dynamic in itself is well written and interesting enough to explore in aus, like giving sasori the redemption most of us wanted him to have by aging him down to a point in time where he was still realistically going to allow being positively influenced, similar to gaara. 

so really, what i think is well handled age gap and how most people handle age gap in the naruto fandom are two different worlds at times lol 

tl;dr

canon shippers have never been anything but gross when i was younger and i didnt wanna be like that, even if youre “smart”enough to differenate, actual creeps dont really care and might use your content to blur the lines, sasori isnt rly redeemable so romantic canonverse realistically wouldnt make much sense and is still iffy, age gaps are fine if they are handled well, but given that the dynamic doesnt really need the age gap to still work im not that invested on making that an essential part of my shipping experience.  

thank you for reading and hope this makes sense!

[thatesqcrush]

I'm such a Kevin slut omg do whatever you think he'd be like once he came back from prison (maybe include some more.. detailed 👀 sociopathic stuff)

Oh hello my dear Kevin slut! I am happy to answer this. I do want to say though that I’m not comfortable writing detailed sociopathic stuff. I’m happy to write blood play or knife play to an extent (as my knowledge is off Google and not my own experience). Blood play and knife play are consume higher risk kinks. Feel free to DM or send me an ask if that is what you’re looking for. And FWIW, if you want to have this experience, there are many experts who can teach you how to do it safely.

And here’s some obligatory Kevin pics before I jump into the HC:

He would be so happy to be with you again.

You and him move into a charming brownstone in downtown Brooklyn.

All the years behind bars, the world has changed significantly; he needs to reacclimate. 

A condition of his parole is to meet with a therapist, which he does.

Additionally, you both meet with a positive kink! sex therapist to learn how to indulge Kevin’s... desires in a healthy, non-murderous manner.

You both discuss boundaries, set hard limits and talk about safe words or gestures.

For you, the thrill of knife play lays in the sense of danger and fear, more than anything else. Not knowing what Kevin will do when you are laying there, is exhilarating. 

For Kevin, the physical sensations and actual blood that comes from the cut are what arouses him.

Kevin usually alternates between three forms of play:(1) Drawing the dull back of the blade over your skin. The steel is cold and it leaves a mark upon your skin, and in the heat of the moment you cannot always ascertain if you are being gently cut, or simply scratched - thus you still get the excitement without the risk; (2) Gently cut into the top few layers of skin with the sharp side of the blade, but not drawing blood; and (3) Gently cut the skin in order to draw a line of blood.

You enjoy both knife and blood play because of the potential danger that it presents and your deep trust for Kevin. The fear and trust are both so strong that these activities overwhelm you in euphoria. 

All in all, you both live a quiet life where your neighbors think you two are the most adorable couple, completely unaware of Kevin’s other life.

[captaincvans]

Chapter Five: Hello

03/09/20

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

Word Count: 1430+

Warnings: Language

Series Masterpost

A/N: I decided to split the last chapter because I’m still very undecided about how I should end this. If you have a few kind words to spare, please leave some in my Ask- I really need it. 

Chris’s POV

The first time I saw her in real life after our breakup was before the trial. She was standing outside the doors with a white blouse and black pencil skirt with nude heels to match. She looked like she lost a few pounds from the last time he saw her, her makeup doing little to hide the dark circles underneath her eyes. My eyes were drawn to her stomach, seeing it unchanged from the last time I saw her made it all real that something had happened with our baby. Perhaps there wasn’t even a baby to begin with? Only she can answer my questions. But do I deserve an answer?

There was a necessary trial for Daniel and John to be convicted, and as much as they tried to keep it private, they couldn’t stop the press from waiting hours outside the court. Finally it was their turn to stand in trial, we all made our statements, including Y/N. She avoided looking at me, opting to look at the back of the room as she stuttered through her statement. I frowned at her unease, heart clenching everytime she jolted when a new voice cut her off. Finally when she was dismissed, she ran to the back of the room, sitting down at the bench chair.

Finally, the investigation was finally over, the jury found John and  guilty of all charges. My lawyers comforted me that this was all just procedures. A trial was just a necessary step, and that there will be administrative paperworks still after this. Either way, I just wanted this to be over. I thanked my lawyer again, and parted ways. Naturally, I was looking around for Y/N. I saw my family motioning for us to make our leave, but I raised my hand, silently asking them for a few minutes. I found Y/N in the corner, peering at the entrance, her face etched into worry and fear at the sight of the crowd of people. My heart broke, seeing her display her vulnerability with no one to support her was enough to make me want to build a time machine and break my face before I had the chance to break her heart. I slowly approached her like one would to a wounded animal, heart racing at the thought of speaking to her again.  

“How are you getting home?” I asked, wincing at how the volume of my voice seems to be amplified when she jumped to look at me.

Her eyes widened with surprise and something else I couldn’t put my hand on, before shifting her view to the floor. “My car,” she mumbled.

“Your car?” I repeated, straining to make sure I heard right. When she nodded, I nodded my head coming to a decision before speaking again. “Where are you parked?”

“Back of the parking lot.”

“Okay. I’m going to ask if there’s another exit we can take. I’ll be back.” I made my way to my bodyguard, going through the options of a different exit, and unfortunately they only had the back doors that were for staff only. We had to go through the front entrance if we wanted to get to her car. “Hey, there’s no other entrance that we can use, but me and Eric will take you to your car,” I nodded towards my bodyguard, thumb sticking out in his direction.

“You don’t have to,” she mumbled, her eyes never once leaving the floor.

“I want to.”

The crowd was in a frenzy as the two got out of the building. My bodyguard and I flanked on either side of Y/N, trying to protect her as they tried to navigate through the crowd. I placed a hand on her lower back, remembering the times I would tuck her by my side as we ran away from the shutter of the cameras around us. I knew it wasn’t easy for her to be in the spotlight like this, she was never one to ask for attention from the public. I resisted pulling her closer, knowing it would draw unnecessary headlines and more trouble for her than I was worth. There was so much I wanted to say, so many things I wanted to apologize for, but I knew this wasn’t the right time. I lowered myself near her face when she got into her car as Eric fended off the crowd, I just needed her to know one thing. “I’m so sorry about everything, Y/N. If I could I would go back in time and re-do that whole night, I would do it in a heartbeat.” I had no intention of asking her to call me or give me another chance, it was not a burden I wanted her to carry. She looked up at me, eyes wide and shiny, a permanent look of unease etched in her furrowed eyebrows, and I felt my own eyes prick with unshed tears. “I love you, Y/N,” I whispered, ignoring the ache in my chest when she closed her eyes and a tear escaped. I made sure she was tucked in the car properly before gently closing the door, and turning back to the crowd, trying to move them away from her car.

I walked back to my family, a tight feeling in my chest growing. They all smiled at me sympathetically, unable to offer anything more than their presence. I knew they wanted me to reach out to Y/N, but I couldn’t get myself to do it. I had no right to come crawling back to her after hurting her this much. It’s as if the three years together went down the drain with my inability to hold back and listen. Y/N knows about my trust issues, she’s the one who would validate me when I felt like an asshole whenever I drew boundaries with people. How could I have not believed her?

-

It was another month of finishing up all the paperworks that Chris finally had time to sit down and think about his next steps. Right now he’s taking a break from the industry, being a free agent as his friends would call it, and focusing on himself as well as his friends and family. More than ever, the whole ordeal helped him realize who his actual friends were. Some stood by him, and some disappeared the minute they heard he was bleeding money thinking it was going to be permanent. He got up, checking his phone to see that his mom texted him about having dinner. He responded that he would be there, and went back to his photos app, pulling one up of him and Y/N at his birthday dinner a few months prior things went to shit. Over the past month he thought a lot about the reason he didn’t believe his girlfriend of three years. He had to take a good look at all his flaws, opening Pandora's box of everything he hated about himself. He had to admit that he was a commitment-phobe, that he’s been looking for a way out since he thought about proposing and settling down with her. He hated the feeling of being enveloped, so he tore it to shreds before it could even happen. It was something his therapist told him when he retold her the events of what happened, and it took him awhile to process the fact that his three-year relationship crumbled because of his childish fear of being trapped.

He sighed, leaning his head back against the couch. “What am I gonna do?” Just then his phone pinged. His heart skipped a beat as he recognized the familiar numbers. 

<– (Chapter 4)          (Chapter 6) –>

- Tag List -

@lost-in-t-h-e-abyss @vogueworthy-barnes @hista-girl @tfandtws @aletteredaffair @traceyaudette @lupine-princess @songforhema @stella2445 @coffeebooksandfandom @qrndevans @straightforwardly @cesarofangirl78 @buckybarneslove76 @kaithezaftig  @evanstush​ @ownerofthebastard​ @jadedhillon​ @ka-x-in​ @lili-ann-love​ @bulldozed88 @dolan-mendes​ @jeleners1430​ @yougurt-con-avena​ @fandomoneshots-imagines​ @patzammit​ @ramblingsnfandom​ @beanthedoggo​ @luckylightfiction​ @luckyfiction17​ @chrisevanssleeping @snave-sirhc​ @gemgemswift​ @firstangeldragonranch​ @hiddlesbitch1 @virtualmemmecollector​ @heladoom @crimeshowtrash​ @notyourtypicalrose​ @peach-acid​ @uneniffler​ @cloudyskylines​ @simmisblog​ @shikshinkwon​ @queenkronk @aubageddon91​ @thefandomzoneisdangerous​ @the-soulofdevil​ @lizblinder​ @what-is-your-wish​ @natdrunk​ @capsiclesdoll​ @genesgoingtohamslam @kapokipa666 @mom---nicole​ @cltex84​ @star-spangled-steve​ @sassyspacedust @dlb113​ @bojabee​ @iwik3it​ @samsebsblog​ @friyak1 @multireality​ @joannie95​ @mrsfox79​ @lady-x-red​ @princess-evans-addict​ @aria253264​ @fallenoutofrose​ @bitchwhytho​ @frencchfries​ @shmara100​ @honeymarvelz @jilybeanz​ @saiyanprincessswanie​ @chi00072​ @youaremyfiveever​ @madisonpillstrom​ @13-reasons-ideas​ @christocrave​ @impairedmuse​ @itsallyscorner​ @bellaireland1981​ @icanfeelastormbrewing​ @thereisatardison221bbakerstreet @sweet--rabbit​ @samsebsblog​ @stilltoomuchafangirl​ @kaetastic​ @sweetlittlegingy​ @bigbandbombshell​ @mishagreenleaf  @shannon124​ @the-wayward-robot​

[justasparkwritings]

Codename Cupid: Chapter 14

Previous: Justifying Jimin

Pairing: Kim Taehyung X OFC

Genre: Angst, Secret AgentAU, AgentAU, Government Agent AU

Rating: PG17

Word Count: 2.6K

Warnings: Swearing, Mentions of Non-Consensual Sex, Mentions of Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recover, Rape Culture

Summary: Codename V and Codename Cupid begin their courtship, which ends rather quickly when Cupid crosses a line. 

TRIGGER WARNING: There is conversation regarding rape in this chapter. It does not glamorize, but does give modest details. 

PLEASE SKIP IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ 

Codename: Love Reimagined

Fall, One Year Post Grad

           Lee Euna met Kim Taehyung on a Wednesday. Both were attending a gallery opening, Taehyung as a friend of the artist, Euna as an investor. He knew the minute she walked into the gallery, the way her pearls glistened in the carefully planned lighting, her midnight locks curled to delicate tendrils cascading down her back. There were many adjectives to describe Lee Euna, and as a woman nearing the top of the largest company in the world, the one that was most often negated was beautiful. Lee Euna, a stunner, a total package, brilliant, kind, gorgeous. Taehyung could understand the draw to her, her demeanor was congenial, but her eyes were daring. They spoke when her lips didn’t, they saw what others tried to hide, they observed and recorded so that she could strike. To an untrained eye, in combination with the way tabloids depicted her, Euna wasn’t a threat.

           But Taehyung knew different.

           Armed with the knowledge of her last two relationships, Taehyung approached confidently.

           “The use of yellow is a fascinating commentary, don’t you think?” Taehyung asked.

           “Mm, I’m more intrigued by the abject use of black as negative space, particularly as it moves throughout the series, blurring ever so slightly with each piece,” Euna told him, eyes trained on the image in front of them.

           “Until you get to the end, completely white,” Taehyung finished.

           “You know the artist?” She asked him.

           “I do, and you?” He smiled brightly at her.

           “Let’s just say I have a piece in mind,” She smirked gently.

           “I’m Taehyung,”

           “Euna,”

           “It’s nice to meet you. May I walk with you to the next piece?” Taehyung asked, a gently smile dancing across his lips, the anticipation of understanding Cupid further, of getting to see the sides of her Codename Suga and Mr. Handsome, got to see. It was always exciting, he thought, getting to know a new mark, exploring the dynamics, flirting with the soon to be blurred lines. Ever the extrovert, he thrived when he was taken off surveillance and placed in the field, even when he ran missions on the ground, following marks, urging them in certain directions or to locations, the threat of being caught was high, and he loved it. Standing next to Cupid, waiting patiently for her response, he felt that first inkling of danger, of mystique, of upholding the narrative Namjoon had constructed for him.

           “That would be lovely,” Cupid smiled before turning to walk towards the next piece.

~~~~~

           Taehyung courted Cupid for the next few weeks, before she took him to dinner and into her bed. From there, it was a blur of museum openings, concerts, gala’s and drinks with friends. From the jump, Cupid was 100% in. She was immediately falling for Taehyung, making plans for their future, and bulldozing boundaries like traffic cones in drivers ed. Tired of being hurt, jaded from heartbreak, Cupid was already swimming in the deep end while he tiptoed in. Getting him to her side, though, proved difficult and frustrating. Taehyung tried to resist, to persistently put up new and more transparent boundaries, but they always seemed like a suggestion to Cupid. He allowed it to go on for a few months, until it became alarmingly clear that this was not acceptable, and she was going to move forward without asking him if it was okay.

           Taehyung scheduled a meeting with Namjoon, in the privacy of his fully walled office, and sulked in. The nerves at an all-time high, the panic he felt, the sickness in his stomach, the low taste of bile in his throat, loomed large over him.

           “Something’s not right,” Taehyung said to Namjoon. He sat opposite his brother on the couch Namjoon kept in his office for late night missions, or nights when he didn’t want to drive home.

           “Meaning?” Namjoon asked, confusion laced in his bespectacled eyes.

           “I think it’s getting out of hand,” Taehyung sat with his hands in his lap, eyes downcast as the tears began to fall. He’d shown minimal distress throughout their team meetings but was spending less and less free time in the office. A sign, that both Yoongi and Seokjin took to mean he was with Cupid, though transcripts weren’t showing up.

           Gently placing a hand on his forearm, Namjoon asked, “Tae, what’s wrong?”

           “I can’t do this, with Cupid,” He whispered.

           “What’s happened?” Namjoon asked, unsure where this was going.

           “She, she’s trying to get pregnant, Yoongi was right, she’s obsessed with it,” Taehyung inhaled slowly, rickety breaths leaving his quivering lips.

           “By you?” Namjoon was confused, it hadn’t been long enough for her to start making these claims, they’d only been seeing each other for a handful of months. Was she deviating from the pattern?

           “Yes,” Taehyung let out the sob he’d been trying and failing to hold. Namjoon had seen the man cry, in their years together, he’d seen everyone cry. They’d lost a mark, years ago, and Taehyung had just been a trainee. The man, in touch with his emotions and often lost in thought, took his job seriously, and worked diligently to do his best at all times. This, whatever was happening between Cupid and him, was abnormal.

           “Taehyung, what is she doing?” Namjoon’s voice was measured, gentle in tone and volume, deep resonance embracing Taehyung in support, in love, in familiarity, in understanding.

           “She’s scraping out condoms, not letting me pull out, and I’ve torn condoms before because there’s holes in them. Holes, Joon, I’ve found them in the wrapper!” Taehyung was shaking, tears still streaming from his emotive eyes.

           “Does she think you don’t know?”

           “I don’t know. She doesn’t care or she thinks I don’t care, or -

           “Is this nonconsensual?” Namjoon asked.

           A simple question, a measurement of balance of power, of two adults mutually agreeing on a set activity, of a designated maneuver, of an act, together, one not moving forward without the other, in tandem. Do you consent to this, or do you not?

           “Absolutely not. She has never asked, nor have I given any form of consent. I have actively tried to stop her, I have actively tried to not engage with her, I have said no and stop. She doesn’t.” The sobs return, shaking his entire body.

           Namjoon wrapped an arm around Taehyung and pulled him into his side. Taehyung didn’t need to look at Namjoon to know how incensed he was, how furious he was, how heartbroken and disgusted and devastated, he was. He felt it in the bear like hold he had over him, he heard it in his voice as he spoke again.

           “Your mission with Cupid is terminated immediately, get your phone, you will end your relationship right here and now.”

           “Will that ruin the plan?” Taehyung whispered.

           “What’s the number one rule?” Namjoon countered.

           “Our safety, and our emotional and physical health are more important than a mark or mission,” Taehyung didn’t need to think, it was written on his heart, he’d just hoped he’d never have to evoke it.

           “Exactly. Do you want to use your time off? I suggest you do, take a few days. Do you need to go back to your therapist, Dr. Aarons?” Namjoon rattled off the necessary measures Taehyung could take, knowing he would force him to rest and ease back into work.

           Nodding solemnly, Taehyung’s voice was a whisper. “Yeah, that might be a good place to start. I’m sorry,”

           “Sorry for what?” Namjoon shook his head, confusion in his tone.

           “For, I don’t know, disappointing the team.” Taehyung glanced up at Joon for the first time.

           “Taehyung, when have you ever disappointed the team?” Namjoon’s question was rhetorical. “You are risking yourself for a mission and it’s not worth it. She’s engaging in dangerous, illegal, immoral behavior. You have to look out for your personhood. I am so sorry that she has done this, and that you feel like you need to apologize to me at all. You are not at fault. I am only disappointed that when I noticed you pulling away, I didn’t seek you out to ensure you were okay. I am sorry for not doing my part as your leader.”

           Taehyung held Namjoon as they let the words float between them, Taehyung breathing them in as Namjoon’s softened gaze continued to hold him.

           “Thank you,” Taehyung whispered.

           “Do you want me to accompany you and Golden Maknae when you break up with her?” Namjoon stood up, stretching before sitting down at his desk.

           “Can’t I just ghost her?” Taehyung was surprised by the suggestion of doing this in person.

           Namjoon looked at him, realizing the suggestion he’d made. “Aren’t you past that point in your relationship?”

           “I don’t know, it’s only been four months?” Taehyung stood.

           “Four months and she already wants to procreate?” Namjoon was stunned again, nothing about Cupid predicted this. It wasn’t a pattern of behavior, but a hint at one, nothing had come to fruition and he wasn’t going to put another man on Cupid detail ever again.

           “You’ve seen my jaw,” Taehyung smirks.

           “Text her, don’t call, we know how that went for Yoongi,”

           “Can I do it in here?” He asks.

           “Conference room? I need to brief the team,”

           “Okay,”

           “You don’t have to stay. Once you break up with her, you can go home, Tae. You don’t need to stay for this at all, you aren’t required to,” Namjoon stood from his desk and guided Taehyung out of his office to the conference room.

           “I’ll stay,” Tae nodded, using the sleeve of his cardigan to blot his tears.

           “You do not to explain to them what happened,” Namjoon informed him.

           “I know,” Tae nodded again.

           “What’s up?” Hoseok asked sitting down at the conference table. He’d yet to finish his project, recreating a few false documents for Jimin.

           “Yeah, we’re having a full meeting at 3PM? Isn’t it almost quitting time?” Yoongi wondered as he twirled in his chair.

           “One step closer to Friday,” Seokjin reminded him.

           “We have an update on Codename, Hoseok, what did you name V’s mission?” Namjoon said, stuffing his hands in his suit pants.

           “Love Reimagined,” Answered Hoseok.

           “One of your shorter titles,” Yoongi quipped.

           “What was Yoongi’s?” Jimin asked.

           “Codename: Another Shot at Love,” Hoseok was proud of himself, beyond proud. He took great care to name each mission or task, ensuring it was fitting and catchy. He was waiting for their final mission on this case, a chance to reference one of his favorite Netflix Originals.

           “And Jimin’s?” Yoongi added.

           “The ongoing, Codename: The Mochi of it All,” Hoseok beamed.

           "What was mine?" Seokjin wondered.

           "Codename: The First Heartbreak," Hoseok couldn't stop smiling.

           “Why must you take the time to give such long names?” Seokjin laughed.

           “It’s part of my flair,” Hoseok giggled.

           “Alright, Codename: Love Reimagined is hereby closed, finished, completed.” Namjoon said redirecting the men. They all turned to face him, confusion and shock on their faces. This wasn’t the plan.

           “Really?” Hoseok asked.

           “Why?” Yoongi followed.

           “How come?” Seokjin rounded out the men.

           “It’s cancelled,” Namjoon’s voice was firm, a means to end the conversation.

           “Taehyung, are you okay?” Jimin asked. The two men shared an apartment, and Jimin had noticed on more than one occasion Taehyung retreating into himself. He felt it too, the absence of his best friend, his partner in work and in friendship, no longer wanting to spend time together like they always did. He hadn’t checked in as much as he wanted, his own mission filling his time as the relationship progressed consistently. Jimin spent time twirling his engagement ring on his finger, embarrassed by how much he liked the medal on his skin, the small encrusted diamonds twinkling in the light.  

           “No, I’m not okay,” Taehyung could always meet Jimin’s gaze, his hurt brown irises inked with tears told Jimin it was far worse than he realized.

           “You don’t have to tell us,” Yoongi said. “But if you do, I guarantee we’ll fuck them up.”            “Codename Cupid took advantage of me, more than once, in a sexual manner,” Taehyung pushed the words out of his mouth, the burden leaving his shoulders as he leaned into the comfort of his friends.

           “Are you fucking serious?” Yoongi yelled.

           “No, no,” Jimin shook his head, the tears already forming.

           “Tae,” Jin whispered.

           “You, are you, oh my god,” Hoseok couldn’t comprehend the words coming out of Taehyung’s mouth.

           “I’m done, cancel my mission,” Jimin declared.

           “We can’t cancel your mission,” Namjoon said.

           “Why not?” Jimin demanded, eyes on fire.

           “What good does that serve us?” Countered Namjoon.

           “I, you expect me to date this guy, be engaged to him, when his sister raped one of us? Are you fucking with me?” Jimin yelled again, standing to slam his hands against the table. Taehyung winced, not only at the volume, but because he hadn’t used the word yet, hadn’t thought it applied to what had happened to him… but maybe, it did.

           “I expect you to complete your mission as directed unless Codename Arrow is endangering your life,” Namjoon repeated.

           “I won’t,” Jimin said.

           “You will, you have what, three weeks left?” Namjoon asked.

           “The engagement party is December 21,” Jimin said.

           “Alright, it’s almost Thanksgiving. You just gotta make it until then,” Yoongi offered, a shrug of his shoulders. In Jimin’s place, he would absolutely end things with Arrow, but they needed the last set of Christmas bonus checks and the final 2020 financial reports, both of which wouldn’t populate on Arrow or Cupid’s computers until mid-December.

           “She abused him,” Jimin whispered, the tears falling down his cheeks.

           “Jiminie has a point,” Hoseok muttered.

           “We cannot let this slide,” Seokjin said. “I never thought, I never thought she’d do this.”

           “We will have justice when we bring them down,” Namjoon reminded them, his words hollow in the moment of their pain.

           “Do we have evidence of the, of the, fuck, I can’t say it,” Yoongi shook his head, the words stuck on his tongue.

           “You don’t have to say it,” Taehyung’s voice was raw, emotions bare. “I’ve documented what I can, bagged things, written a detailed report… I used one of Hobi’s forged Police Reports to document what I knew they’d ask and took pictures to accompany it. The evidence is sealed in my office.”

           Lifting his head to look at him, Yoongi asked, “Taehyung, how long have you been sitting on this?”

           “Not too long, a couple of weeks,” Taehyung shrugged. It had only happened three times, which is three times too many, and three times it shouldn’t have. He had been shocked the first time, unsure what had truly happened to him. The second time, she used a different tactic, and he knew what it was. The third time caught him off guard, unawares. He was embarrassed that he let it happened, mortified that he put himself in this situation, and angry that he was so mad at himself instead of being outraged, furious, loathing, towards her.

           “Tae,” Jimin said again.

           “We need to write an official report so we can put this into our official filing,” Namjoon’s voice had simmered, its resolute calm returning.

           “Not tonight,” Seokjin said, a reminder that Taehyung was still reeling from the trauma.

           “Have you broken up with her?” Yoongi asked Taehyung.

           “I texted when we sat down,” Taehyung fished his phone out of his pocket. “She responded.”

           “Do you want to read it out loud?” Namjoon questioned.

           “Hobi’s just going to send us a memo of it anyway,” Yoongi shrugged, his heart weighing down his entire body. “After this, can we call it a day?”

           “Absolutely,” Namjoon agreed. “Taehyung, you want to read it?”

           “It says,” He scanned the message, eyebrows shooting towards his hairline, jaw slacking as he reread the message. “She says, she says she’s pregnant.”

Next: How Cricket Got Her Name

[couplesinstitutecounseling]

When You Love Someone With Complex PTSD

This article gives a brief overview of some basics about Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) and what you can do to support yourself as well as nurture your relationship when you love someone with Complex PTSD. You may be wondering if reading this article will be helpful to you.

If your partner experienced significant trauma during childhood and you find yourself in awe of all that they are in spite of what they have been through, yet uncertain at times about how to provide the right kind of support, then this article is for you.

If you recognize the wisdom within your partner that is derived from their experiences, but struggle to access your own wisdom when you see your partner suffering then this article is for you.

Lastly, if you sometimes see your partner as someone who would benefit from healing work but, are not sure of the right place to start then this article is for you.

This article is about how to bring your best self to your relationship by forging one that is defined by security, consistency, and honesty as well as understanding the importance of your own self-care in cultivating these bonds.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) can occur when a person experiences multiple or prolonged traumatic experiences (Complex Trauma) over the course of a lifetime. Oftentimes, the traumas are relational in nature which means that the events occur within relationships during developmental periods such as childhood. For example, periods of childabuse or neglect and/or multiple ruptures or transitions with primary caregivers; such as multiple foster placements in which attachment bonds are ruptured or substance abuse or dependence by a primary caregiver.

There are two areas of human development that are impacted by Complex Trauma. When these areas are impacted it can result in CPTSD. They are:

Attachment: the ways in which a person learns to have relationships with others

Self-Regulation: the way in which a person handles self soothing in the face of stress.

Let’s look at both more closely.

In terms of Attachment, a child who experienced multiple adverse experiences such as abuse, domestic violence, neglect or community violence is likely to, as an adult, experience frequent mistrust, fear of abandonment, and difficulty feeling secure in their intimate relationships. The reason for this is that the template that was formed early on about how to have relationships was developed under the pretense that “those who love me either hurt me, or leave.” These recurring experiences often cause the belief that people are not safe to trust; leading to the lived experience of, “I’m hurt when you stay and I’m hurt when you leave:a double edged sword.”

Self-Regulation is a set of skills that are learned by internalizing the soothing actions of our caregivers when we are hurt, scared, hungry, sad etc. The capacity by which we are able to do this for ourselves as adults is largely made possible by the quality and quantity of that which was given to us. The opportunities to learn from and observe adults practicing self regulation in ways that are healthy and nourishing for children with Complex Trauma often are minimal. Instead, the stress response system, the internal regulation system that is in charge of keeping us safe in the face of stressors, becomes overloaded due to a lack of opportunities to return to a calm state. In CPTSD this results in an elevated baseline and a stress response system that is overly sensitive to stressors. Thus the system responds by vacillating between extreme states of hyperarousal to hypoarousal (dissociation) rather than remaining within an ideal, more balanced “window of tolerance.” People who have not experienced trauma typically remain in this window within their normal day to day lives. This might account for why your partner may appear to have seemingly disproportionate reactions to stimuli that doesn’t impact you as severely: their system’s degree of sensitivity and reactivity is such that a smaller event can cause them great distress and dysregulation.

The hopeful news is that the medicine for CPTSD can be found within the healing power of relationships and within our brains’ incredible ability to create new templates for relationships by a process called neuroplasticity, our brain’s ability to make new neural connections throughout our lifetime. The incredible healing power of relationships as they relate to Complex Trauma has been well documented by neuroscientists such as Dr. Bruce Perry1, who specializes in the impacts of childhood trauma and neglect and its impact on neurodevelopment, and Dr. Daniel Siegel2 who has also well documented the process of neurodevelopment. What this means is that you and your partner have the ability to form a secure attachment in adulthood EVEN IF your partner has not yet experienced that in their life3 -VERY EXCITING!!! But where do you begin? It is important to know the following:

You can not erase existing templates but you can create new ones.

Your efforts should be patterned and repetitive, as these templates live in lower, less “plastic” ie. not as easily changed, parts of the brain that are only accessed and changed through doing things over and over again.

You don’t need to figure this out on your own. Finding a couples therapist educated about Complex Trauma is recommended and can help facilitate the healing process.

Here are some other ideas you’ll want to consider:

Be Consistent, be predictable: Repetition is the key to building a secure attachment. It also facilitates the ability to trust. For example, calling your partner every night before bed to say goodnight, this may seem simple, but it can have a profound effect on shaping a new, loving, and secure template of what a relationship can be in your partner’s brain.

Know your boundaries: This is a big one and related back again to being consistent and predictable. What is and what is not in your control? If your partner is struggling with mood symptoms including anxiety or depression and struggling with self regulation, it is not your job to fix that, but you can encourage your partner to establish a relationship with a therapist or make an appointment with an existing one. It can be powerful to validate your partner’s suffering while simultaneously acknowledging that you do not have the power to make it all better. In all relationships it is important for each partner to own their own struggles and work on them independently from the relationship.

Establish and keep up with your own self care plan: When we fall in love it is so easy to give and give and then one day we wake up and we realize, “Oops! I have given to everyone except me!” You have got to fill your own bucket. Keeping up with a routine that nourishes you and keeps you connected to yourself and those in your support system is crucial. You are modeling for your partner that it is okay to practice self care and encouraging the process called differentiation (an ongoing process of self-defining within the context of the relationship that is a key developmental milestone within relationship and is that which sets the stage for further development and deeper intimacy as your relationship progresses).

Don’t try to explain, instead “connect and redirect”: Emotions are not logical, yet it is our tendency to try to explain our way through them. When your partner is in an emotional state of activation, remember, first connect by reflecting back what you hear them say, including their feelings. Listen and mirror without the intention of problem solving. Once your partner has expressed to you that they are feeling heard, ask them if they want support in problem solving (re-direct). Once you check for their interest, you may find that you have already helped enough!

Do find out what is soothing to your partner: People who have experienced complex trauma are often well aware of what they do and do not like. Ask them their preferences, you may find out that your partner can not tolerate massage but loves a warm bath. If so, draw them a bath and draw it often! Remember: repetition, consistency, predictability.

Practice consent in intimacy and beyond: Trauma is defined as an extreme loss of control to a perceived threat or life threatening situation. Healing for trauma survivors always includes establishing a sense of safety. A way to safety is though experienced control– practicing consent is a powerful vessel for this. This means asking permission before and during intimate encounters as well as throughout your day-to-day interactions, for example, “Is it okay if I move your things while I clean this room?”

Anticipate events that could cause anxiety for your partner: Work together to create a safety plan. For example, if your partner feels anxious in social settings like big events such as a wedding, decide ahead of time where to sit during the ceremony and have a signal that you can give to one another if your partner needs a break. This can be a good opportunity to step outside and get a breather, check in about how you are both doing, and make adjustments to your plan as necessary.

Don’t take it personally: Your partner has been through a lot. It is likely that if your partner has a reaction to something that you do or say that it has less to do with you than you think and more to do with what that thing reminds them of. When this happens take a deep breath and do your own physiological self soothing, then when you feel regulated check back in, try to think of these moments as opportunities to learn more about what your partner’s triggers are so that you can work with them in a thoughtful and meaningful way.

Remember, it all goes back to the incredible healing power of relationships and the bonds that are formed when we are present and available for one another. Even as therapists we can get stuck in the trap of thinking that we should be able to fix it all right then and there and we jump too quickly to problem solving. Yet it is always meaningful to take a step back and remember that the key to building a secure relationship is not in your ability to offer a quick fix. Rather, it lies within your ability to take your time, be consistent, and show your commitment to being there again and again. If past trauma is impacting you or your relationships and you need help, reach out to us, establishing a relationship with a therapist can be the first step in creating a path to healing that can seem overwhelming and uncertain, more clear, manageable, and supportive.

[ryosei-hime]

Sex and Therapy: The Conversation

Concord finally attempts to have a conversation about boundaries. I keep thinking my characterization of my own OC is fluctuating but honestly it’s just that Fizz makes this normally very articulate fellow very stupid with his aura of sex. Also available on AO3.

Concord chose not to bother Fizz for the rest of the day and let him come out when he was ready. He didn't, which concerned him. He spent most of the day caught between wanting to check on him and give him space. He still hadn’t emerged by the time Concord went to bed. It was probably best that he slept alone anyways. 

After a restless night of fitful sleep, he woke to find a piece of paper on his bedside table. Fizz must have snuck in sometime when he’d actually been asleep. He sat up and rubbed sleep out of his eye as he smoothed it out. It was the estimate for repairs. But Fizz had added little notes in the margins. Most of the notes were on a scale of 1 to 5 to indicate how much he cared about any given feature. Next to the tentacle repairs he’d just written “too expensive.”

Concord dragged himself out of bed and shrugged on his robe before knocking on the closet. 

“Fizz. Can I come in?” 

The door cracked open. Seeing him bundled up in the corner, eyes glowing from behind the coats, made Concord’s heart ache. How long had his previous owner kept him locked away like this? How often did he get to come out? He shoved the coats aside as he slipped in, sitting next to him. 

“Thank you for letting me know what you care about.” He held the paper up before letting it rest on the ground. “It’s very important to me.” 

Fizz shrugged a bit and refused to look at him. 

“I think it’s important we talk about boundaries. I wanted to start with that from the beginning but you were very distracting.” 

Fizz smirked and unbundled himself, leaning in towards Concord’s face. 

“Would you like to be distracted again?” 

“Not until we have this conversation.” 

Fizz huffed and returned to his sulking, chin in his hand. 

“You talk too much.”

“I’m a therapist. We’re perhaps prone to over communicating. But I’d say my problem in this particular instance has been not communicating enough. If you’ll allow, I would like to apologize for some of my behavior. You don’t have to say anything yourself.” 

“Knock yourself out.” 

Concord steeled himself. He’d worked on this all day yesterday and half the night between sleep and waking from nightmares.

“I may have been deluding myself about why I bought you. I thought I only wanted to help you. And I do want to help. But there was a part of me that also wanted to feel needed, maybe even wanted. So, perhaps the decision wasn’t entirely altruistic. And I tried to pretend I had no bias. That I thought of you as your own person separate from what you were built to do. But I still let that affect how I thought of you. And worst of all, I decided you needed my professional help without once consulting you to find out if you even wanted it. For all of that, I am very sorry.” 

Fizz lifted his chin from his hand as Concord finished and a slow chuckle bubbled into a full laugh. 

“You’re really apologizing to me?” 

“Why do you find that funny?”

Fizz moved to straddle him, bending over to touch his forehead to Concord’s as he leaned in. 

“You’re a real softie. How do you survive?”

“Softness is its own kind of strength,” he replied, fingers grazing Fizz’s cheek. He got lost in his eyes for a moment before looking away. “About the boundaries.” 

Fizz grabbed Concord’s hand before he could take it away and pressed his face into the palm, rubbing his cheek along it like a cat. 

“What about them?”

Concord could feel himself getting distracted again, an almost physical pull drawing him in. How did Fizz do this to him?

“They’re very important for both of us to establish.”

“I don’t have boundaries. I’m all yours, baby.” 

Concord blushed as Fizz moved to spread kisses along his shoulder, pushing his robe open, nimble fingers dancing over his chest. 

“Not...not just physical boundaries. I’d like to avoid upsetting you again.” 

Fizz stopped abruptly but kept his face hidden in Concord’s shoulder. 

“Why aren’t you mad at me?” 

“I simply recognize that I crossed a line, and I understand why you reacted the way you did. So, I choose not to be emotional about it but rather try to map out where those lines are.”

“When did crying in your sleep become unemotional?” 

Concord touched his stomach without thinking about it.  

“That wasn’t...about you. I have my own traumas. But that’s getting off track. Do you want me to leave your past alone? I’m more than willing to listen if you wish to talk about it. But if you’d rather I didn’t ask-”

“You already know I’ve been abused. It’s written all over my busted up body. What more do you need to know?” 

He was getting upset again, rising to his knees as if he wanted to leave. Concord ran a soothing hand over his side and let it rest on his hip. He made his voice gentle and reassuring.

“No more than you wish to tell me. I’ve no intention of pushing you.”

Fizz settled back into his lap, one hand resting on his shoulder. The other ran down his chest, pushing his robe open entirely so his fingers could trace the scars on his stomach.

“What about yours?”

“You can ask me about my trauma whenever you want. I’m comfortable talking about it.”

Concord could see the gears turning in Fizz’s mind as he searched his eyes. But he seemed to decide against it.

“What else?”

“I guess, what I want to know more than anything is, do you enjoy your function?” 

A big grin spread across Fizz’s face. 

“Depends on who I’m performing it for.” 

Concord became suddenly very shy. 

“I-I guess my follow up to that would be...um. Do you enjoy….performing your function with-with me?”

Fizz leaned in again, staring him right in the eyes. 

“More than anyone.” 

“Don’t say that just because you think you have to.” 

Fizz shook his head. 

“Oh, I mean it. I like playing with you. You just give yourself to me and let me do what I do best. So compliant. So obedient.” 

Concord’s breathing escalated as Fizz went on. Those eyes pierced his mind and made it go fuzzy again. He couldn’t take it anymore. He wrapped his arms around Fizz’s neck and gave him a desperate kiss. Fizz looked smug as he pulled away.

“That really turned you on, huh? Do you like being my little toy?”

Concord found himself nodding, almost hypnotized by Fizz’s stare. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I like that.” 

“You wanna do a little role reversal? That’s a therapy tool, right? How about I own you for a little while?” 

Fizz chuckled as Concord nodded eagerly.

“Yeah, that’s good….for seeing...both perspectives...and…”

Fizz put a finger to Concord’s lips and one to his own. 

“Sssh. No more talking. I think we can put that mouth to better use.” 

Concord’s heart beat in fear and anticipation as Fizz stretched his arm out and closed the closet door, enveloping them in the darkness.