#there are other names for ANP & EP (like 'going on with life part' & 'trauma holding part') but THS uses these so

[many-but-one]

Do you ever feel like your splitting at the edges. That the main, and others become a blur. You have a hard time with keeping one person in control, or there are many at once showing all at once? That your getting back in to old habits and you don't feel like you can stop...and you attach yourself to one person but when you don't get the attention, and your background, you are useless and deny yourself of time later on because they don't care or you don't deserve it.

I just feel like I'm going crazy and I need to know that that isn't just a me being crazy thing...

Hello Anon, this is Valentine speaking.

I have a feeling I know who this is, considering you just liked several posts in a row and followed us and asked this question all in the same span of time. The person whose post you primarily seem to be referencing fused a while back, otherwise he would probably be a better person to answer this.

However, if you are talking in the context of DID (which I am assuming you are since you are talking about the "main" and "the others" and "one person in control") I think you should be aware that while there is usually a "main" alter called a host, that alter is not more deserving of being in front than others, nor is that part an "original" or more important. The host is often an ANP which is why they are the host, however, non-ANPs can also be hosts, or folks like myself who are considered a "mix" of an ANP and EP. (Called ANEPs if I am remembering correctly, don't quote me on that.) I am part of the host team despite having some of the worst of our childhood trauma simply because of how emotionally detached I am from it. So I am generally able to go on with daily life without being burdened by the memories I hold. I am saying this because it feels that this message is saying you are trying to hold back other parts of yourself and seem to have the idea that the "main" part is the only part that should be in front, ever, and that all parts are just background noise. Which isn't true. All parts exist for a reason, and you'd be surprised how much better functioning becomes when these parts all begin communicating and working together. Which, of course, takes work.

As for the attaching to one person and not getting their attention, I suppose I can somewhat understand. As we are married, but there is a person we are friends with online that I have very strong feelings for and it is difficult because our system is monogamous. I have to set boundaries with myself so that I don't get carried away with this person, as I love them very dearly. It wasn't even something I thought I could feel for someone--so of course how ironic that I happen to have feelings for someone I can never have. Even if our wife was not monogamous, it's not something that would ever be possible, which is heartbreaking, of course. I drive myself nearly mad just thinking about them. We have a lot of chemistry and to not be able to have them makes me almost not even want to front anymore, as talking to them is nearly painful, as I am constantly holding back. They are also doing very poorly mentally and I want to be there to comfort them, however it is very difficult to do so in the way I would want. It's frustrating, as I became a frequent fronter late in life. I started fronting about 5-6 months ago, last time I fronted before that was when we were 7. I had to learn how to use a smartphone and got the pleasure of showing up during a fucking pandemic. Becoming a frequent fronter later in life means that I get to continue whatever the previous frequent fronters made our life to be. I have had not a single choice in what I would have wanted our life to be. And many others in our system are much the same. The choices were made by previous frequent fronters, namely our host and main system gatekeeper.

This is not to say I don't like our life, I just certainly would've done things differently. But of course, I will simply go with the flow that others have set for me. What else would I do?

I don't think you're cr*zy at all, though I may be interpreting your message completely wrong. You seem like you're in a difficult state of mind right now, and it is hard to parse what you're trying to say to me. I considered not even answering so that we wouldn't misconstrue what you're trying to say into something else. If you see this reply and you see I haven't actually answered your question, feel free to send another ask and I will try to answer it better.

Best of luck to you, anon. It sounds like you're having a hard time right now.

-Valentine (he/him)

[hauntedselves]

BPD parts are a thing?

Long wordy explanation under the cut, but TL;DR:

Yes, but they arent the same as alters. DID & OSDD-1 are the only disorders that include parts that are separate enough to be autonomous. The activation of different parts is what causes splitting (in a BPD sense).

The theory of structural dissociation (from The Haunted Self by Otto van der Hart, Ellert Nijenhuis & Kathy Steele) says that BPD & DID are on a spectrum, from PTSD → CPTSD → BPD → OSDD-1 → DID. These are all trauma disorders, and all involve dissociation to some degree. The TOSD is an explanation of identity fragmentation (parts) in these disorders.

PTSD has primary structural dissociation, CPTSD, BPD & OSDD-1 have secondary SD, and DID (and sometimes OSDD-1) has tertiary SD. Each disorder on the spectrum has what The Haunted Self calls Apparently Normal Parts (ANP) and Emotional Parts (EP). The ANP is numb, dissociated, avoidant of trauma and often can’t remember trauma very well (if at all). The EP is often stuck in the trauma memory, and becomes activated when the person is triggered.

In PTSD (primary SD), there is one ANP and one EP. The EP is the part that is active when someone is having a flashback, trauma nightmare, hypervigilance, or a fight or flight (or freeze, fawn, etc) response, etc.

In CPTSD, OSDD-1 & BPD, (secondary SD), there is one ANP and several EP. The EP hold different aspects of the trauma, and different trauma responses. There may be one EP for a freeze response, one for hypervigilance, one for flashbacks, and so on. In CPTSD, the EP are the same as in PTSD, plus ones that hold CPTSD symptoms like anger, negative self-image, etc. In OSDD-1, there will be EP who are the same as the ones found in PTSD & CPTSD, but there will also be EP who have their own separate sense of self and autonomy (which are alters). If there’s amnesia between the parts, it’s OSDD-1a.

Specific to BPD, EP will hold different attachment disruptions. One will hold idealisation and another devaluation, and conflict between them is what causes [BPD] splitting. There will be other EP that hold other things, like trauma responses, paranoia, and strong emotions, and so on. Conflict between EP is what causes unstable identity.

In DID (tertiary SD) there are more than one ANP and several EP. OSDD-1 would fall into tertiary SD if there is more than one ANP (which is usually the case with OSDD-1b). The EP in DID are the same as in OSDD-1 (mix of secondary SD type EP & alters).

------

Some further reading on TOSD & BPD parts if you’re interested:

Mosquera et al., 'Early experience, structural dissociation, and emotional dysregulation in borderline personality disorder: the role of insecure and disorganized attachment', Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation (2014)

Marylène Cloitre, Donn W. Garvert, Brandon Weiss, Eve B. Carlson & Richard A. Bryant, 'Distinguishing PTSD, Complex PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder: A latent class analysis', European Journal of Psychotraumatology (2014)

Trauma and Dissociation website

DID Research website on TOSD

A couple of posts by this-is-not-dissociative: one, two, three

Nijenhuis, Steele, van der Hart, 'Trauma-Related Structural Dissociation of the Personality', Activitas Nervosa Superior (2010)

If you can get your hands on The Haunted Self it explains the TOSD (if you're not opposed to piracy, I recommend this site) - here's a pdf & here's an epub)

(sorry if this was way longer and in depth than you were asking... special interest went off!)

[arcane-sync]

❤️ + 🖤?

Thank you so much for asking! I'm sorry I took so long to respond.

❤️ - When did you realize you were a system?

So I learned about DID about...2015 when my sibling was diagnosed with it. I researched it a whole lot to help them, but found it resonating with me a lot. It caused me to suddenly remember that when I was younger, I had "arguments" with myself. Each viewpoint of myself had a different name, and I had something like a journal on my computer where I left notes for myself and debated with myself. I would also spend the walk to school debating which version of myself I needed to be that day, and how easily I could recall the day was dependent on which me went. When I was little, it just made sense to me. I never questioned it.

While that wasn't enough to convince me I had the disorder, I decided that if my sibling's trauma was bad enough to cause DID, then maybe I should study trauma. At that point, I had been seeking counseling for about 5 years with little success. Focusing on trauma made a big difference. I didn't even know until then I was traumatized as a child. It was just... part of growing up.

It was about 2017 that I started seriously considering if I had the disorder and sought a proper trauma counselor. It took me about a year to find one, and in that time, I started realizing how much of my life I didn't remember. I also started finding notes in my journals written with radically different handwriting.

I found one in 2018, and he agreed I might have it. But he didn't want to put the cart before the horse, and we focused on me first. I didn't have a window of diagnosibility until 2019, where he confirmed the diagnosis.

so it was... a bit of a journey.

🖤 - How many alters do you have? Can you tell me about them?

I have over 20, according to other parts. I really only personally know... about 9? The more I wrote below, the more I had to keep increasing that number. I know more than I thought I did.

This is the first time I've really named my parts on this blog, so please be kind.

There's me. I prefer to go by Skye, and I am primarily the one who's around. I identify with the body's age of about 30, but I don't identify with how I look. As far as I know, no one here does.

In terms of people your are likely to see here or on my sideblog, there is Rachel, Leon, and VV.

Rachel is outgoing, bubbly, and witty. Definitely an ANP. She handles a lot of social situations. Identifies roughly with the body's age. She was one of the ones who went to school for me when I was little.

VV is an EP primarily. Contains a lot of anger, a bit of a masochist, but has a deep love for dark stories. Holds most of my teenager traumatic memories.

Leon is an ANP that went by Logan until very recently. He went by Logan to make his presence more comfortable for me. I recently split a new alter that I thought was a fictional introject, and while I did in fact split a new one, that suspicion was planted by Leon to test how well I would handle learning about his true name. He is intensely logical and calm. Handles high analytical situations. Also surprisingly snarky.

Elizabeth is a persecutor of sorts. She protects us by planting seeds of doubt concerning other people and hopeful situations. Her rationale is if I expect bad things to happen, then I won't be surprised when they do. She is slick and manipulative, occasionally sabotaging situations or relationships.

Chime is a young part, somewhere around 5-7, who... I think was an ANP when I was little. She very much acts like a typical little girl would, and I think she was that way to make mom happy.

Whisper was the new part who either split or I recently became aware of. I get the feeling she's younger and holds some childhood trauma or childlike feelings. She is my first part, as far as I know, who doesn't really present human. She's kind of a misty figure.

Before me was Cassandra, who I don't really know or remember. She was around a lot during undergrad.

There's Toni. She's younger, but I don't really have an age. She is very hard on herself but frequently daydreams about being more confident.

Again, thank you for asking. I really appreciate it.

[dodstoldpackage]

ANP (Apparently Normal Part) and EP (Emotional Part) are both heavily linked to the Structural Dissociation theory which you can find here. This theory is it’s own can of worms, but we’re going to focus on ANP and EP for this Dipper’s Guide. 

“The "emotional" part of the personality. The EP is a manifestation of a more or less complex mental system that essentially involves traumatic memories. When traumatized individuals remain as EP, these memories are autonoetic for the EP, but not for the ANP. The memories can represent [pathogenic] kernel aspects of the trauma (Van der Hart & Op den Velde, 1995), a complete overwhelming event, or series of such events, and are usually associated with a different image of the body and a rudimentary or more evolved separate sense of self (McDougall, 1926). Thus the EP range in forms from reexperiencing unintegrated (aspects of) trauma in cases of acute and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), to traumatized dissociative parts of the personality in dissociative identity disorder (DID; APA, 1994).”

“The "apparently normal" part of the personality. Traumatized individuals fail to sufficiently integrate current reality -- normal life -- as EP. As ANP they have failed to integrate the trauma, either partially or fully, and tend to be more or less engaged in normal life. The ANP is predominantly marked by a range of losses or so-called negative dissociative symptoms (Nijenhuis, Spinhoven, Van Dyck, Van der Hart, & Vanderlinden, 1996), such as a degree of amnesia for the trauma and anesthesia of various sensory modalities. The ANP is also characterized by a lack of personification, both with respect to the traumatic memory and with the EP. That is, the ANP has integrated neither the traumatic memory, nor the mental system that is associated with this memory. To the extent that the patient as ANP is informed about the trauma and about the EP, this knowledge remains noetic, and the relevant memories semantic, i.e., lacking personification.”

That’s how the paper that we’ve linked explains ANP and EP, but for a more simplistic version, here’s what the community seems to collectively agree are the definitions.

Emotional Part/EP: “For DID/OSDD-1 systems. These alters hold traumatic memory, often being stuck in the sensory experience of the memory and unaware of the passage of time. Tasks involving daily life are managed by ANPs instead, e.g., working, cooking and parenting. Despite their name, some EPs are not emotional. There is controversy surrounding this term, so it should be used with care and not applied to anyone else without their permission.”

Apparently Normal Part/ANP: “For DID/OSDD-1 systems. This is the identity who manages every day life and does not normally hold trauma memories. There may be more than one ANP managing daily life at any one time, each with different roles. An ANP may be emotionally unconnected to, or amnesiac for, past traumatic events. There is controversy surrounding this term, so it should be used with care and not applied to anyone else without their permission.”

However, as you can see, even the agreed upon definition doesn’t really give much credit to ANPs being their own person, still being called “the identity.” This is likely due to the way most of the psychology field sees those with DID and OSDD -- as parts of a “broken” whole that needs to be integrated. Whether that integration be into one core/original or just all of them coming together to form a “whole” with no specified core/original. While many of those with DID and OSDD may greatly benefit from integration that is not the case for everyone with these disorders. Healthy multiplicity should also be an option, but much of the psychology field and papers like the Structural Dissociation theory make it out to be something impossible to achieve. Let us not forget why MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder) was changed to DID in the first place -- primarily it was because “personalities” gives too much personalisation and independency to each alter/system member or what psychology often sees as nothing more than a “part.” Those with DID are seen not a “multiple people” or even “multiple personalities” but a “lack of a unified identity.” (See also).

While many with DID may find this way of thinking helpful and beneficial, not all with DID (or that would fit the DID criteria) find this as helpful to them. Generalising something so complex as this is harmful. However, now we’re getting more into the general psychology of DID than what we set out to do today.

These terms, especially ANP, not only paint a “normal” way of living as strictly singlet (this is in terms of ANP and EP being applied to DID and OSDD), the papers and other aspects of psychology they are associated with also paint integration as the ultimate end goal of all those with DID or OSDD. The Structural Dissociation theory also seems to paint these “parts” as being the “normal” for those with DID and OSDD, which would also be inaccurate as well. Neither of these terms give any credit to the complexity of plurality or these disorders or the people who live their lives like this. It’s highly unlikely that a poll has ever been done when it comes to the individuality of alters/system members and how they might identify each other and themselves. Not to mention these terms are not just used for those with DID or OSDD; in the paper linked, it’s also used in terms of PTSD along with DES. Despite the fact that, while these disorders aren’t mutually exclusive, they do tend to present some different symptoms. Otherwise, why would we need to differenciate them with names and diagnosis criteria? So not only do they not acknowledge these different “parts” as having the ability to be idividuals, but they also use the same terms for very different disorders as well. It’s been said that this is the case because, in every trauma based disorder, there is often a state of reliving past trauma and being detatched from it. Often meaning many traumatised people go through these different states of being so to speak. However, that doesn’t mean that all traumatised people do.

Regardless, these terms are strictly based on observations and how the psychology field views those with these disorders, which usually isn’t a good view. Sure, some people may be slowly coming along but still not a lot of progress has been made and the representation in media really shows it. From “evil alters” to being seen as “different parts of a whole that just isn’t a unified identity,” good media representation is hard to come by regardless if the media is news or complete fiction. We’re not a disordered system, so our stance doesn’t matter too much when it comes to these terms in relation to what the community does as whole with them, if anything is or should be done about them. However, we will always be of the opinion that singlets don’t get to choose who we are and our terms for us. That’s why we make so many of our own terms. This post was made with the intention to let others know why many in the community view these terms as ableist and our personal take on them. Which, before anyone goes claiming that things like this can go for terms like System Hopping/System Travelling because they’re “abused,” no. Those terms (system hopping/travelling) were created by and for the plural community while ANP and EP were created by singlets for those with these disorders just based on observation. Alternative terms can always be made to encompass something similar to these as roles, however it is good to know that some systems out there do like these words and they can certainly reclaim them for themselves. Just be mindful that many systems don’t like these words as well. 

Below the cut are image ids for those with screen readers.

[Image 1 ID:  © Art Credit VixonRex on Deviantart (credit is for art of Dipper Pines from Gravity Falls). Today ON Dipper’s Guide to the EXPLAINED! The Ableistic Background and Connotations of the terms ANP (”Apparently Normal Part”) and EP (”Emotional Part”).]

[Image 2 ID: T chart; left side has “ANP” and right side has “EP.” Underneath are explaining some simple things about the terms that make them ableist. 

Left: - “Apparently Normal” gives connotations that being plural can’t be a normal way of living one’s life. - Going indepth on what the term means; it also insinuates that being detached from trauma is the only way someone who’s plural can be seen as normal. - This also perpetuates the idea that “normal” people can’t or just don’t have trauma and that is entirely inaccurate. - The history of this term is also very ableist. Will go more indepth down below (below the picture but above these ids).

Right: -”Emotional” kind of holds connotations that other system members can’t have emotions or be emotional. It can also insinuate that the only emotion that plural folks feel are trauma based. While most people know this to be untrue, those who are ignorant and uneducated might take that to mean this or something similar. - “Part” is dehumanising and depersonalised. Both terms have this issue. - The history of this term is also ableist. Will go more indepth below (again, this was below the image but above these ids; before the cut.)]

[bellaswansong]

If the Sides were alters

If I were writing the sides as a DID system, this is how I would do so. This interpretation draws from canon, but will vary because DID systems are different from fiction.

This post was very difficult to write. The sides are highly unlike a DID system, so it was hard to figure out what kind of roles would fit each of them best. If other systems want to let me know what they think of this, I'd welcome the feedback.

Fronting = being temporarily in charge of the body

I'll start with Deceit. She'd be a gatekeeper. Gatekeeper alters have some control over who is fronting, and since Deceit can keep the other sides from speaking, I think she fits this role very well. Gatekeepers also sometimes keep memories out of the way, which fits her whole secret thing. Somehow, she's the least complicated person in this whole thing. (I only have secondhand knowledge of gatekeepers, so let me know if I got anything wrong)

Patton and Logan would both be emotional parts. Emotional parts (EPs) form to hold the memories of a traumatic event. Patton would hold the emotions and Logan would hold the sensory experience. Canon Patton is already in charge of feelings, and he hoards memories in his room. Canon Logan has a good memory for facts, which is why I think he'd take charge of the more concrete aspects of traumatic memories. I'm not sure if having one part in charge of emotions from trauma and a different part in charge of the sensory memories is typical for DID systems, but in my system, we have some pairs of alters who function that way.

At the same time, Logan would be more than that. There's EP-Logan, who knows every little detail about the trauma, and there's also Apparently Normal Part Logan, who keeps track of adult life things like eating food and hygiene. They both use the same name because they work together, share a memory, and generally consider themselves to be one alter. Their shared memory applies to everything except EP-Logan's memories of the trauma. ANP-Logan works with EP-Logan because having an adult who knows the secret makes it easier to steer outward communication away from anything triggering without letting an EP front. So ANP-Logan knows what happened to them because EP-Logan told him, but EP-Logan knows because he remembers. ANP-Logan fronts to brush their teeth, eat, and do homework. EP-Logan fronts to curl up in a ball on the couch and try to keep the body from crying while EP-Patton cofronts. (Crying is humiliating. Crying means they have something to cry about. Crying means something happened to them.)

Patton is also more than an EP. He's like a Caretaker-Protector, who knows all the other alters very well (with one exception). It's a similar situation to Logan, where two alters use the same name for convenience. Protector-Patton tries to take on pain for the rest of the system, and it is his understanding of the others that allows him to do so, though his biggest weakness is self care. Because of his proximity to EP-Patton, he often finds himself feeling similar emotions to EP-Patton without knowing why, and in fact, EP-Patton's emotional memories are completely detached from the sensory context, so he doesn't know why he's feeling what he feels either. I don't think Protector-Patton would know that EP-Patton is a separate alter, and this failure to recognise that some of their feelings aren't caused by outside factors is what keeps them from processing the emotional memories in any productive way.

Roman would be an age slider, and was the host of the system during elementary school. I feel like he alternates between childlike and adult goals in canon, occasionally doing so multiple times in one episode. At his youngest, he feels 7 or 8 and he is a prince, thank you very much. Someday he's going to meet another gorgeous prince and fall in love and everything will be perfect, so there! At his oldest, he's a storyteller and actor, and he works very hard to create good content, basing his worth almost entirely in what he makes. He's very sensitive to criticism, but bounces back quickly, almost like he doesn't remember his previous devastation at all.

Which brings me to Virgil. Virgil is a persecutor. Roman purposefully brushes off criticism, but Virgil remembers it. He remembers mean things people have said to Roman and blames Roman's persistence for the fact that he still receives criticism. He thinks that if Roman hadn't acted so weird when he was host, they wouldn't have been bullied back then, and might have had more friends to begin with, thus preventing later bullying. Virgil began to split when they started school, taking on the uncomfortable memories of being made fun of, and his main goal is to avoid further bullying. He does not know how to differentiate constructive and destructive criticism.

Remy doesn't really fall into any of the well known categories, but I (supposedly) have an alter who is in charge of falling asleep, so I'm including Remy in this post (seriously where is my sleep guy it's 2 am you had one job). Remy is obsessed with the idea of lucid dreams, and he's easily bored, so he constructs mildly amusing scenarios while fronting at night. Somehow, he is better at falling asleep than anyone else, and Logan is salty about it. Remy doesn't actually choose what they dream about, he just stares at the ceiling and something about the way he thinks while trying to sleep causes it to actually work, whereas most of the others just end up tossing and turning.

Thanks for reading this post. Let me know if you want more DID-Sides content!

[lightoverturesystem]

19th Alter

(Featuring a photo of him first fronting in 2015 and now)

Name: Lancelot Morgue

Type: Protector / Emotional Part (?) / Opposite Gender Alter

“Protector: Protector alters are common, there are three main types: ‘fight’ parts, persecutors and caretakers. The 'fight’ parts and persecutors are types of EP which have defensive intentions, despite their often self-destructive behaviors such as self-injury or eating disorder behaviors. Fight Protector Alter Identities in Dissociative Identity Disorder defend from threats & try to manage rage and anger, and avoid feelings of hurt, fear or shame. They focus on perceived threats, and find dependence, emotional needs and close relationships (attachment) threatening. Protectors may view themselves as a very tough child or teenager, a powerful animal, or a physically strong, adult male.” x 

“Opposite Gender Alters: Some alters may have a different gender to that of that body, for example a male alter in a physically female body. Opposite sex alters are usually more like a young girl’s idea of how a boy would be an actual boy, or a young boy’s idea of how a girl would be. Normally they have personality traits which associated with the gender of the opposite sex. A female alter in a male body may be very fearful or frightened, and a male alter in a female body may be very angry, feel physically strong, or be very brave. An alter may be have an opposite gender because of sexual abuse, for example a male alter does not have vagina, so will not fear being vaginally raped as the female body was. A female alter may be created in a male because that alter was forced to take on a female role in having sex with men.”

x 

“Emotional part: (EP) This is a dissociated part of the personality that holds essentially traumatic memories and dedicates itself to the survival of threat, and to the survival of the individual, as opposed to the ANP. Enduring child EP’s are usually fixated at the time of traumatization.“ An EP is a dissociated part of self which owns a memory that is emotional because it has not been processed to the ultimate form all memories eventually reach.” x

(To learn more about different types of alters and what each one means/does: http://traumadissociation.com/alters)

Front: Started fronting February 2015. Recognized July 2015. 


Age: 20’s


Timeline: He doesn’t have much of his own timeline, but insists he was raised by the She Wolf, which is a more recent detail, as of 10/23/17


Connection to the body: But also doesn’t quite feel this body is his. Kind of somewhere in between, just… there. 


Blended: Was blended with Morgue before he started fronting by himself, (hence why Lance’s last name is Morgue) and I believe Kyle, too. It is unknown if Erebus is a sub part of Lance, his own alter, used to blend with Erebus, or had traits of him and Erebus split off him

Relationships to others in the system: Had a fondness for Claire. Unknown relationship with Erebus. Acknowledges others in the system.

Subsystem: Unknown if he shares a subsystem with Erebus

About: “Woof woof, motherfucker.”

Lance was the first alter that came forward for a long time, long after I had dismissed having the possibility of DID because I didn’t know about cofronting as a possibility or that you didn’t know you had to lose time to have alters in general. (Later I would discover I do in fact occasionally lose time)

His presence was discovered through BDSM, a night when I was making love with an ex; she wanted me to be her dominant, and part of me seemed to naturally take the role despite before with both sexes being extremely submissive. I found myself as a top to not be comfortable with my body, with my name, with the level of femininity I was.

I experienced dysphoria for the first time.

I asked if she could call me Master Lance instead of my birth name. I had always said if I ever ended up having sons, the first would be named Lancelot.

I proposed getting a strap on for us. When we did, I found I was far more excited to have a penis than I was for a sexual encounter with her; I didn’t want to take it off. It gave me a level of comfortable, happy, right, that I didn’t know I lacked. I found myself using boxers, putting my hair up to hide it, doing anything I could to feel more masculine.

I had cofronted, or even fully fronted with Lance that night, and probably had long before then with her, as by then I had been her dom for awhile before that, just not officially.

Awhile after that woman and I went our separate ways, we met a man who we will call Q. While getting close to him, one day while walking around in the early morning hours of the day and discussing my feelings about this other side of me, I abruptly heard a masculine voice in my head that said, “You know I’m not going anywhere, right? You can’t get rid of me.”

I had alters before, I had heard their voices before. I reasoned that back then they were just imaginary friends. Because I enjoyed their company, I never tried to get rid of them to even realize I couldn’t. Somewhere, subconsciously, with all my other psychiatric issues going on besides this, I accepted I was “crazy.” I made peace with it.

For the next 7 years, I lied to myself, repressed them. We still don’t know what happened to the three that used to be, Vladimir, Jigsaw and Kevin.

This new voice terrified me, I had no explanation for it. I felt I was losing my mind; I had impulses to run in front of trucks on the highway, and I panicked. I just started running, with no place in mind. I ran blindly until I couldn’t anymore, overcome with adrenaline and derealization. Q helped me down from that panic, and shared with me he also experienced something similar with what he described fitting the profile of an alter.

Q was was the first person to grow intimate with Lance emotionally. Lance struggled with this intimacy, even if not sexual at first, and even with repressed homophobia that took 2 years or so to undo as much as we could.

Even though in the end, he ended up doing some terrible things to us, Q gave us as a system a place to be ourselves and change pronouns and names as necessary. We were allowed to switch freely in front of him, even if we didn’t still know this was an alter. We both thought that I was just feeling like a different version of myself, and not putting two and two together that this is exactly what DID is in our ignorance.

Eventually as he developed, Morgue started blending with him, making him a lot more violent than need be. Morgue first interacted with Q as well in a very intimate writing exercise, though Q never knew it, and I wouldn’t know until far later. Sometime into Lance’s development, we started experiencing gender dysphoria again on a new level of uncomfortable, and the need to find out what was going on with us arose. I googled things like ”feels like both girl and boy,” and “Feels like two people at the same time.” I came across the term Bigender, and since it is often described as feeling like two genders at once, I figured “Oh, that must be what I am experiencing,” I didn’t take into account the voice, the difference in not only gender, but full personality than my own.

It is to be noted that I may have been another host at the time named Claire. We aren’t sure who Claire really was, whether she is I now matured and changed under a different name, whether she was an ANP at one point, or whether we were constantly blended at one point and she integrated.

There is a lot going on…

Eventually, Lance fronted more and more than Claire, or myself, we aren’t sure who was who… And as this happened, the Bigender identity didn’t feel right anymore. We looked up “girls who feel like boys on the inside” and found what it meant to be a female-to-male (FTM) transgender person.

This felt more right.

Once I found this term and had a identity crisis and then decided transitioning would be right for me, I started going by Lance’s name, as it was a masculine name that felt right to a lot of me already. Once we came out, Lance seemed to all but disappear. He both no longer felt completely separate from me, and not present. We assumed he integrated. I have no idea what happened there, or who I was for a long time, once I found out I had alters.

From another tumblr, I found some great advice. This question asks, “if alters go dormant / reintegrate can they ever come back as active / unintegrated?”

The answer,

“Yes. It’s very common for alters to go dormant for a period of time that can range from days to years only to resurface later. Alters can also sometimes return if a previous integration that they were part of falls apart. That said, the latter is more likely to occur if the integration was very short lived and unstable. Longer, more successful integrations are more likely to hold, and if they do eventually fail, it will likely be because one or more entirely new alters became necessary. If it was thought that an alter integrated but there are few or no changes to support this and the alter later return as if nothing happened, it may be more likely that they simply went dormant.”

Given my feelings of feeling one with Lance before and those changes, given new alters became necessary in my life, it’s likely he integrated and that part fell apart.

A lot of my morals, ideas, and who I am now reject a lot of who Lance used to be. Lance never quite healed old wounds, he is a trauma holder apparently carrying something I need to address, and integrated too early.

When he first surfaced, he also was blended or used to be one with Erebus, the Black Wolf and an aggressive protector, who is now his own alter, it seems, split off him. Lance always felt akin to photo of wolves with a lot of arrows in their back. Wounded and lying there bleeding out to death. He carried great feelings of pain, and betrayal I could not discern.

I’m guessing this is what never got addressed.

He would send images of protecting Claire as an older brother type figure, as a wolf lying by her side and keeping her warm, even with all the arrows in his back. Perhaps this is Erebus’s pain, or they still share it, I do not know.

Since all this in 2015, Lance had disappeared but has recently, as of 10/24/17 - fronted again. He is a little less stable in who he is now and holding his front, especially in the daytime, is difficult. (He used to mainly front at night when he first surfaced)

He loves the band Murderdolls, swearing, wolves, Halloween, walking under a full moon, graveyards, and vampires. Lance is snarky and blunt in the way I am afraid to be. He will tell you what’s what without much hesitation, unless he is being polite for my sake.

He has a fear of caged and being restrained. He is secretly a sexual switch, and likes puppy play (but “with more dignity” aka being a wolf. 🙄)

It is really hard to gain Lance’s trust. He finds it amusing people still call me Lance because of using his name as a placeholder so long. He has a trademark smirk. He has no patience for psychological games people have often tried to pull on us.

Even though Lance has caused me a bit of trouble, and once nearly got us arrested…… I have a soft spot for him.

He doesn’t do his job the greatest, but he does it with a lot of love.

But he will never tell you that.

Pinterest Board [Here you can learn more about this alter!]

Faceplate source: Damien from Dream Daddy

Meet the rest of us!

[lightoverturesystem]

17th Alter

Name: Claire Lefebvre

Type: Apparently Normal Part (ANP) Emotional Part Mix / Teen Alter “Emotional Part & ANP mixture: The abuse began exceptionally early in this type of structure and was so extreme that these children had to alternate rapidly and frequently among emerging defensive and daily life action systems, hence their EP’s and ANP’s, can become mixed in chaotic manifestations. In a low functioning Dissociative Identity Disorder system the two can appear almost indistinguishable. This is only an appearance however. They are indeed distinct.”  x “Teen alter: A part between the ages of 13 and 18. These parts can be thought of as “developmental states that are encapsulated and stored inside the brain. Teenaged or adolescent alters may occur in people who had significant trauma during those years, or they may be child alters who have grown older.” x x

(To learn more about different types of alters and what each one means/does: http://traumadissociation.com/alters )

Front: Mainly from 2012 to 2015; Recognized as an alter March 2017 


Age: 18


Timeline: Shares our timeline but is isolated in the trauma. 


Connection to the body: Unknown


Blended: She was in cocon with a lot of other alters during her main time.

Relationships to others in the system: Had a warm brother/sister-like relationship with Lance

Subsystem: Presence unknown

About:

“The world wanted a mask; what they got was this girl.”

I’m rather unclear on Claire as an alter, but my best guess is that she was an ANP EP mix of mine, but I can’t figure out where she came in fully. She may have always been our ANP and in cocon a lot, and when things became too traumatizing, she took on the EP parts because of what she experienced in the outside world. The fact she didn’t identify with my birth name is a good hint too. She knew she had anxiety and PTSD, but didn’t take in any of the pain from having these things and what they insinuated. There was a time when I was a really soft spoken, kind girl who still thought we’d go to college and marry our high school sweetheart. She loved him dearly and put up with his negligence in the relationship out of love and an insistence everything could work out.

I believe she eventually became an Emotional Part due the breakup, and that’s where Lance stepped up for awhile before integrating (and eventually that collapsed and he separated again) and I came in as a manager. We aren’t really sure what happened to Claire, since I feel like I share a lot of traits with her, but that’s not who I am. That may be due to maturing and transitioning, but I can’t be sure. She may even be blending with me a lot of the time, and less dormant than I think. But we don’t know, so because of what I feel internally at this moment I am considering her an ANP EP mix who is dormant.

She may have also been neo-exiled because she holds a lot of the pain of a relationship we were in for 5 years. Due to living and financial circumstances, we have depended on that exes help since to get by, which he kindly offers after being partially responsible for putting me in this situation in the first place. Because of this, those feelings may have been repressed into her so we can continue to live our life.

In her time of theorized main fronting, she began to look up to Lance like a brother or a guardian once we figured out he could be trusted, even if a bit rough around the edges. I this time, Little Red Riding hood and the big bad wolf became themes in exploring this side of ourselves.

Has a lot of anxiety. We would wake up in panic attacks. Loves Taylor Swift, and associates heavily with Autumn and Taylor’s RED album.

Was the one who started our Pokemon Youtube channel. Associations with Katniss Everdeen of The Hunger Games, since we were obsessed with the series in high school and felt akin to Katniss at times due to the struggle for survival. Associates herself with black and brown hair and red lipstick, which both I had on and off in high school and for awhile after. Was in some sort of denial about being queer, ignorant to the struggles of what this means, and of the trauma. Knew of the trauma, but not what it meant.

Pinterest Board [Here you can learn more about this alter!]

Meet the rest of us!