#there's a lot of missing context from this that will be given in the fic don't worry!

[fragilecapric0rnn]

“it’s okay, i couldn’t sleep anyway” for the prompt thing!! (-patheticgirlsteve)

OKAY SO this prompt is from a prompt list I rb'd in December (wowza!) and I found the writing for this prompt half finished in my WIPs folder today and decided to finish it!

This ficlet is also a look into the in-progress When Harry Met Sally-inspired AU/canon divergence fic. I've been sitting on both that fic and this snippet for far too long and have been itching to share something. So, here's the something!

(something set in the late summer of '98, in a city that doesn't bode well during heat waves)

It’s an unusually hot night in Steve’s apartment. 

It's going to be an unusually hot week in the city, actually.

Steve has gotten used to the temperate San Francisco weather in the 11 years he's been a resident. But after 11 years, he's still surprised at the random bursts of heat that creep in during these last few weeks of August. Just in time for him and his students to sit inside the toaster oven that is his classroom during the first week of school.

Thankfully, it's not a school night. The last week of his summer vacation, and he's spent most of the daylight hours dangling half of his body out of the screen-less street-facing window in his apartment, praying a breeze would whip past him. (It didn't).

After an hour of tossing and turning in bed, in nothing but a pair of boxers, the open window providing no relief, the air stale and hot and a bit sticky, he decided to move to the living room, where he will still be suffering, but at least there's a TV out there.

A movie he remembers seeing with Robin in the theater during their Oakland days is playing as soon as he flicks on the TV, reminding him of how long it's been since they've lived together, let alone in that first apartment in Oakland. Freshly 20 and 21, figuring out how to live on their own, thousands of miles from everyone and everything they knew. Figuring out how to deal with the calmness of it all.

Remembers talking about the movie again in '92, and being annoyed with all of his friends (Eddie and Nancy) who thought that Lloyd and Diane broke up in London. Wonders if they're still as cynical about love today as they were back then.

As he's counting the years back in his head, the phone rings, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“Hel-lo?” He answers, remembering that it is 2am in the middle of the word, dragging it into two syllables to make it seem like he's shocked that someone is calling him.

“What the hell are you doing awake at this hour?” Eddie quips, Steve reflexively rolls his eyes, at both the tone of his voice and the question itself.

“How do you know that you didn’t just interrupt my much needed beauty sleep?” He scoffs, flicking his head like he would if Eddie were sitting right here on the couch with him. Eddie must pick up on it, chuckling over the phone, a similar sound to the one he made when he was sitting on this couch hours ago, suffering with Steve in his apartment.

Now there's something twenty-one year old Steve would be shocked to learn. That him and Eddie became friends, at all.

“I can hear the TV.” Steve hums in response, turns the volume down a notch or two. “But, here’s a courtesy ‘I’m sorry’ for the late night call.”  

“It’s okay. I couldn’t sleep anyway.” Steve sighs as the slightest breeze rolls through the open window. He's a much better sleeper than twenty-one year old Steve, but due to recent life-changing events and this damn heat-wave, a late-night phone call with Eddie is almost routine at this point

“I miss Evie’s apartment. She had AC.” Eddie says, casually. Steve still doesn't get how he can talk about her so casually. How he can just bring her up like it's nothing. If he even thinks about -

“I still can’t believe you got your heartbroken by a trust fund baby.” He says, cutting off his own thought.

“I’m more heartbroken about that AC unit right now,” still casual, as if he is actually heartbroken about an AC and not a person.

“What’re you watching?” He asks.

“Say Anything.” 

“Channel?”

“12.” 

The scene where Lloyd is talking to Diane’s father on the prison yard. It makes him think of Eddie on the other line, sitting in his unintentional bachelor pad a few blocks away from his own. The thought must’ve made Eddie’s ears burn. 

“That’s not what visitation is actually like, ya know?” His voice is soft.

“Oh yeah?” Steve says, wanting to encourage but not pry.

“Yeah. It’s indoors, at tables, cold and gray. Feels dirty and sterile at the same time.” Eddie says.

“I always thought it happened between a plane of glass, with a telephone on either side of the glass.” Steve offers, giving him an out, a chance to change the subject if he wants to bow out.

“That’s what it’s like in county jail. Prison’s different.” Steve hums again, knows there’s no need to respond with anything else. Steve doesn’t need to ask him how he knows all of this. He knows that Eddie doesn’t expect him to ask. That’s the thing, about old friends, about them, about their whole gang. There are certain things they’ll always know about each other. 

His mind drifts to a little Eddie and a younger Wayne, walking into a room just like Eddie had described, going through the motions. It pulls at his chest a little. 

“Do you still think they broke up in London?” Steve tests.

“I don’t think they broke up in London?” Eddie says, a tad defensive. 

“Yes you do, or you did.” He remembers the conversation, he knows Eddie must remember the conversation.

“When did I say that?” 

“In San Diego, we had a whole thing about it, the five of us.” The drunk and loud debate was held stuffed into a diner booth in San Diego. Before you left.

Eddie pauses.

“I did say that, didn’t I?” 

“You sure did.” 

“Well, to answer your question, no. I don't think so. I think that they’re two weirdos who were meant for each other.” Eddie says, Steve sinks further into the couch, holds the phone up with his shoulder.

“That's exactly what I said then.” 

"Well, I think it now."

"Me too." It comes out softer than he expected. Suddenly thankful that this conversation is happening over the phone, so he can scrunch the feeling away from his face, take a deep breath and shake the feeling that just washed over his body.

“I know a thing or two about weirdos who’re meant for each other.” Eddie says playfully, that tone he uses when he's half-joking, but half-serious. Steve feels something bubble in the very depths of his stomach. 

“Oh yeah? Who?” 

“You and Robin.” Pop. He lets out a deep breath.

“Ha ha.” Steve says, toning up the sarcasm.

“Max and Lucas, Joyce and Jim, the entire gang who’s bonded by the terrors of the 80s and government NDA’s.” Steve’s laugh barks out of him, he can’t hide how surprised he is at these words coming out of Eddie’s mouth. 

“What? What’s so funny?” 

“Nothing, it’s just…” He trails off, trying to choose his next words carefully. “Not used to you talking about the past. Hasn’t really been your thing.” His mind drifts momentarily to San Diego again. Watching him hail that cab. Running away. 

“There's a lotta things that I used to do, or not do.” There’s a pause. Either of them could say something, there’s something dangling in the air between them, between their two phone lines, filling the space between their two apartments. Just as Steve opens his mouth to say something, cut the tension, snatch the feeling out of the air, Eddie beats him to it.

[madschiavelique]

hii my love! would u mind doing a little blurb on miguel finding out the woman he has been seeing is a stripper? she just feels so embarrassed to admit that and scared It would drive him away but instead he’s pretty much more open about it and become far too protective too. thank you:))

OMG ANON YOU DON'T KNOW HOW OUR BRAINS CONNECTED because listen : i have an au in mind where my spiderpersona is a succub in a strip club, and basically when Miguel is brought there by his friends, they meet

SO YEA i'm living for stripper!reader x miguel (also this was supposed to be a blurb but i got carried away fdkzefrgd - the club scene from Closer really inspired me for this)... now i want to make a multiple chapter fic on stripper!reader x miguel hELP

summary : miguel discovers you're a stripper

content warnings : NSFW, stripper!reader, reader gives a little private show to miguel (just removes the top though, doesn't reveal the cunt), fem!reader, no use of Y/N word count : 2k song mentionned : world outside - the devlins

tag list : @fandom-ash

Up until now, you had decided to keep your professional occupation to Miguel, for one simple reason: fear.

Fear filled your stomach at the thought of telling him you were a stripper. You and Miguel had been dating for some time, and had quickly become close. The bond was shaping up to be strong, and you were worried that the information about your job would ruin everything.

He'd already asked you a few times what you were doing, but you'd always managed to deflect the subject elegantly. Yet there's no stopping Miguel's determination and curiosity, least of all when the topic of conversation turns out to be you.

So he did something he wasn't particularly proud of, but couldn't resist: while you were out working, he asked Lyla where you were.

She'd given him an address, and some information about it...

"A club?" he'd asked, looking at the street information for the address. "A strip club," Lyla had corrected. "There's no mistake? Are you sure?" he'd questioned, taking a closer look at the establishment's hours and information. "Have you ever seen me calculate a lot of errors?" sighed the artificial intelligence.

Never. Hardly ever had he seen her fail in this area. Maybe you weren't really a dancer there, maybe you were a bartender, or a waitress, who knows. Only, the idea of seeing you wearing a fine outfit and swaying on a stage was strangely appealing to him.

Without missing a beat, he made his way to the address. It wasn't far, which surprised him as much as it reassured him. The very idea that your place of work wasn't far from home appealed to him, as it ensured that if you ever needed to be picked up for any reason, he'd be there.

He arrived at the entrance, breathing in, passed the bouncers who joked that with his build he could get into the business, and entered.

Blue light from two corner spotlights illuminated red velvet-covered staircases leading downwards. He moved forward, the mirrored walls reflecting him. The room's bass could already be heard from outside, but now he could hear the music more clearly.

You light up my dreams, light up my skin. You're so far away, you're holding it in.

The place was quite crowded, and Miguel noticed a fair number of men in suits and ties. He wouldn't have cared in any other context about the consumption habits of these men here, but suddenly the very idea that there were potentially regulars coming to see you displeased him enormously.

As for the place, it smelled of violets and lemongrass. The ceiling was high, revealing a second floor from which hung three chandeliers surrounded by red cubes.

Spotlights were placed here and there, illuminating the important places: the round tables, like the one next to Miguel on which two women on their knees were swaying, undressing each other under the watchful eyes of all the men around the table; the U-shaped bar, from either end of which women were dancing in wisps of sinuous white smoke; and pole-dancing pedestals on their red-lit floor that emphasized the curves of the dancers placed on them.

And he recognized one of the dancers: it was you.

It was an evening like any other, your garter belt was already generously stuffed with bills of various colors against your thigh and you'd already put on a private show. You were on the pole bar, dancing and undulating your body against it under the round, adoring eyes of your little audience.

You'd been in the business for a while now, and you'd managed to make more friends than enemies in the club, enough so that your colleagues became your buddies.

In fact, your friend right next to you softly called your name, and you turned to her as you danced.

"Did you see the one that just came in? He's huge," she pointed out, smiling at the customers around you. "And pretty good looking too."

As you continued your endless choreography, you glanced surreptitiously at the said customer. But your heart dropped into your stomach for a moment as you met Miguel's gaze.

You hesitated between freezing on the spot and running away, but instead tried to keep your cool and your professionalism and continue your dance until he arrived near the pedestal.

"This one," you pointed out to your friend, "is for me."

She gave a little laugh as you motioned for another dancer to take your place and gracefully stepped off your pedestal, advancing towards Miguel as you would a normal customer

"So this was where you were hiding?" asked Miguel a little above the music, tilting his head to the side as he looked you up and down.

"What are you doing here?" you asked, as inquisitive as you were nervous.

"Curiosity got the better of me, and I was right to give in to temptation."

He was watching your outfit, which emphasized your body, your curves highlighted by the glitter and rhinestones mixed with the laces. You were close to him, almost to the point where a simple movement on Miguel's part would allow your two bodies to meet.

"But I'd prefer to discuss this somewhere else...?" he says.

"I'm in the middle of working hours, but... how about a private show?" you offered, drawing even closer to him as your eyes seemed to him irresistible through your lashes.

He shuddered.

"I'd like that."

You smiled softly, taking his hand to guide him towards one of the Paradise Suites. You guided him a little further until you came to a door you knew well and opened it to let him in.

A round sofa circled a round table at its center, the latter illuminated in pink. A strip of light circled the sofa, another path laid out to encourage strippers to be creative and use the room as they saw fit. You weren't expecting to give Miguel a private show tonight, but fate had played a nice trick on you.

You guided him to the sofa, letting him settle there as you climbed up on the table, looking at him with eyes that were usually calculated to convey desire, but this time really felt it.

And he looked at you with, his were dark, pools of ink attentive to your every move.

"How long have you been doing this?" he'd ask, his attention unwavering.

"Five months," you toyed lightly with one of your shoulder straps as you let your other hand roam your body.

He was going to be able to ask you all the questions that came to mind, only if he didn't get too distracted by your beauty.

"Are you allowed to flirt?" he asked.

"Yes, I am." you replied, letting your hand slide down your chest.

"Do you have any regulars?" he leaned forward, his head tilted back to watch you dance.

"Yes, I do. Private clients as well." you turned, your back to him to loosen your corset behind your waist, undulating your body.

The idea that you had regular clients here wasn't disturbing, but the fact that you had private ones displeased him a little more, for the fact that your security was much less framed than it was here.

"I want names."

You let out a small laugh as you turned to face him again.

"You want to make me lose my job?" you knelt on the round table to get to his level.

"No, I want to replace them." he said, his eyes moving from yours to your fingers removing the first strap.

"I'm not allowed to have relationships outside of the club with clients," you countered, tracing the skin of your bare thigh sensually.

"And what do you usually do?" his chest puffed out as he inhaled, feeling a little hotter little by little.

"I dance, I talk, I laugh, I strip, and that is all." you confirmed as you removed the second strap, and with a simple movement unhooked the little clip between your breasts to reveal them.

His eyes were eager, watching your perfect breasts as he parted his lips, mouth agape.

"No touching?" he questioned, eyes still on your body.

"No touching, you can just slide the tips in the garter belt" you advised, your hand sliding against the latter where a few bills were lodged.

"What would happen if I touched you now?" he asked, moving a little closer to the edge of the sofa.

"I would like it," you said, shifting your legs over the front to stand up again on the table gently, "but the security cameras would notice, and probably get you out of here."

Miguel looked up, just above the table, on the ceiling, was a small half globe with a small point of red light.

"Pays well?

"Very well." you smiled, your hands playing dangerously with the string of your thong.

"How much will it cost me to be here with you?"

Miguel wasn't afraid of going broke here, especially for you, he was plenty rich enough for that.

"Depends on what you want." thinking that maybe Miguel didn't want to make you work right now, you got off the table and climbed onto the sofa and then its edge instead, sitting there.

"How high are the prices? I haven't seen the menu of services."

"Our VIP options can go up to 1500 dollars." you say wearily, pretending to walk your index and middle fingers in his direction on the strip of light.

"1500?" he almost exclaimed, raising his eyebrows.

"Mhm," you hummed, "two hours with two dancers and a bottle of Don Perignon."

He turned towards you, coming closer, his head level with your thigh as his eyes inevitably fell on the bills you'd been given.

"And what's the price if I only want you and nothing else with me?" he questioned as his gaze returned to yours.

"Here, from 80 dollars I can give you a 10-minute air dance." you said as you leaned towards him, your faces close but not yet touching. "Outside, nothing."

A small, proud smile appeared on his lips. However, you being far too hot and gorgeous, he was beginning to feel tight in his clothes, especially his pants.

"What time do you get off?" he asked, sitting up differently, your eyes falling on his crotch and smiling as you bit your lip.

"Five o'clock. Will you last until then?"

He sighed, his eyes falling on your lips, eager.

"I just don't know if I'll be able to keep my hands to myself."

You smiled, then straightened up, reaching for your top. But Miguel took his wallet out of his pocket and slipped a bill under your garter belt. To be deprived of a view like this? Never. You smile a little more, and sit back down on the table, kneeling upright to let him get a good look at you.

He leaned towards you again, intertwining his fingers as his gaze softened slightly.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

You sighed, biting your cheek as you looked down at your hands carefully placed in your lap.

"I was scared," you admitted with a sigh. "Scared that this would end what we have."

You knew that not all men or simply partners were comfortable with their halves being strippers, and the idea that Miguel shared that opinion terrified you.

"Nena," he called your nickname.

Your head was still down, and you felt the soft sensation of money paper under your chin. Miguel straightened your jaw with a bill, bringing his eyes to yours.

"This isn't a problem to me." he smiled, lowering his hand to place the bill under the elastic of your belt. "This is actually really good."

Confusion seized you along with relief, causing you to frown while sporting a grin.

"Why?"

He tilted his head to one side, smiling proudly.

"I get the satisfaction for everyone to see how gorgeous you are, while being the only one who has the right to touch you."

You let out a small burst of voice somewhere between a laugh and a sigh, the relief of his answer washing over you like a wave of comfort.

After that, he'd deserved more than just a show.

[dont-offend-the-bees]

We Glimpse Each Other Out of Phase

Hello lovelies; rough weekend, huh? I've had this one roughly drafted for a couple of weeks and was planning to keep it in my back pocket as a Deadboyween prompt fill. However, given the cancellation news, I think maybe we could all use a little gentle melancholy comfort right now. So I cleaned it up a bit, and I hope you will take this little snippet as the warm hug it is intended as 💛 So this technically follows on from/is set in the same universe as my Painland Week fic Something I Can Turn To. A fic which I basically intended to leave as a one shot, but I got quite invested in the universe and have been absolutely blown away by the response to it. So it became a collection which now features, as well as my own fic, two wonderful fics by williamvapespeare and one by Ingi, and I would heartily recommend you check them out if you enjoy this story or my original one! That being said, you probably CAN read this without having read the first story, I just wouldn't personally recommend it, you'll be missing a lot of context and backstory! 3.7k, rated T, also available on Ao3 (registered users only!) Part One (Something I Can Turn To) on tumblr

Charles may have had a bit of a rough go of it growing up, but there'd been quiet moments, too. Most of 'em in a rickety old attic, with the only lad in the entire world he could trust with just about anything.

But there were peaceful times at home, too. Safe ones. Mostly at night. Long as he was quiet, didn't cry too loud or stomp about, he could get through eight-ish hours unbothered. Sure, sometimes he had to pace around the room a bit, silent on sock feet just to shake out the excess energy that wouldn't let him sleep but honestly? He bloody loved sleeping. Couldn't get enough of it. Long as he didn't make a fuss, didn't draw attention, he could sink into his bed in the cellar room and just sort of... bob out of his life for a bit. Like a smoke break, but better for his health. If he was dead lucky, he'd even stumble into Edwin's arms in his dreams; pass the time there 'til morning, when it all kicked off again.

So it wasn't easy, getting used to night shifts. It was a fair trade-off for all the other freedom in his life lately but bloody hell, did it sting a bit, losing that time. That dark, quiet nothing where he could be nothing, too, just for a bit. There was almost something sacred about it. Something he hadn’t known was important to him ‘til it was gone.

At least the night shift was pretty quiet, usually. Most of the people who needed to use a gym at two in the morning weren't exactly there to socialise. Charles' job pretty much amounted to half-dozing at reception and handing someone a towel now and then. He'd not had many nutjobs to deal with or fires to put out.

Then again, maybe a good disaster was what he needed just to stay awake. Christ, he was shattered. Took him a good few tries to get the key in the lock when he finally staggered home.

Charles was sad — but not surprised — to find the kitchen light on when he fell through the door.

He rolled his eyes. "Honey," he called, jokingly, the endearment all funny and wrong on his tongue. He'd call Edwin a lot of things — mate, love, best friend, fucking soulmate — but honey? Mingin'. "I'm home."

Edwin's reply was half a second too slow — textbook Edwin guilt response. Like when your cat didn't jump off the counter fast enough to pretend it hadn't been there in the first place. "Good evening, Charles."

"Good morning, more like," said Charles, drawing the bolts — all three of them — across and dropping his bag in a sloppy heap by the door. His coat came next, then each shoe, leaving a trail behind him as he stumbled towards the voice. The hallway felt too short and dark to be called a hallway, really. Looked more like a cupboard where someone had shoved a load of loose doors they had lying around. There was one to the kitchen, one to the bathroom, one to the bedroom that was basically also their living room. Plus a bunch of other weird little cupboard doors and hatches and grates and things, none of which led to anything you’d logically expect them to. It was a shambles, really. A 'paint it magnolia and fob it off on the students' sort of ruin. But it was home. Even bone-tired, he still found the energy to lock gaze with the weird eye-motif lamp Edwin had picked up somewhere and put on one of the non-shelves, and give it his customary wink. Felt wrong not to. Unlucky, somehow.

A fanlike halo of yellow light spread across the hallway carpet as he pushed open the kitchen door. He found more or less what he'd expected to find behind it. Edwin: sat prim and proper at the scuffed-up little table, surrounded by books and doing a bang-up impression of someone with no bloody idea what time it was. His chin, tucked elegantly behind his curled knuckles in that little thoughtful pose of his, lifted at the sound of the door. His eyes found Charles and narrowed, just a little, sketching a pleased little crinkle or two at the corners.

"Charles," he greeted once again, voice softer this time. "How was your shift?"

Edwin hadn't had those laugh lines when Charles had met him. Seeing as he was twelve, and not exactly full of reasons to smile. Charles wasn't gonna take full credit for them, or anything, but... well, not many other people putting in the legwork, were there?

He dragged in a breath and let it out again, sharply, puffing it out in a raspberry. "Same old."

Charles crossed the kitchen in about three steps (it wasn't a big kitchen), clocking Edwin's book of choice on the way. Some textbook with a long-winded title that basically translated to lawyer gubbins. He put a hand on Edwin's shoulder — and Edwin tilted his head easily, offering his cheek for a kiss. Charles grinned and pressed one to the tail end of one of those little lines.

"Burning the midnight oil?" asked Charles, nicking one of Edwin's favourite expressions. He always seemed to pick up the ones that made him sound about a hundred years old.

Edwin hummed, carefully noncommittal. "I must have lost track of time."

"Could've counted these, for a start," said Charles, tapping the little saucer on the table. It was piled high with used teabags, like some damp and deranged game of Jenga. "Might've given you a clue."

"I've been rather busy," Edwin sniffed, turning the page in his book. "Lots of swotting to be done before my lecture on Monday."

"Right, that's what this is, is it?"

"What else would it be?"

Charles reached out, pinched the book Edwin was reading at the centre, and slid it out of the bigger, decoy book he was holding with its cover facing out. "Oldest trick in the book, mate. Literally," he grinned. He lifted Edwin's secret reading into his arms, having a flip through. "Y'know, most people only pull that move when they've got dirty mags to hide.”

Edwin cleared his throat. Even in the dim light of the table lamp, Charles clocked the embarrassed flush on his cheeks. "Well," he said, setting the law textbook he absolutely wasn't reading on the table. "It does get rather draining, this intensive focus on one subject. I felt the need for a brief diversion."

Charles closed the secret book, glancing at the cover. "Anthropology, again. Like that one, don't you?"

"Hm. There's much to explore; it encompasses a rather broad area of study." Edwin took it back and slid it, sheepishly, behind the pile of other law volumes stacked at his elbow. "It's a fascinating subject."

"Should've applied for it," said Charles, gentle. He rubbed Edwin's shoulder absently — getting a little more intent when he felt Edwin melt a bit, his knotted muscles loosening under Charles' digging thumb. "Or any of the other five million bloody things you're interested in. Y'know, 'stead of the one thing you're not."

"I am interested in it!" Edwin blustered.

Charles raised an eyebrow at him.

Edwin sighed. "I am," he said, bit quieter. "It's just not all I'd like to be doing. But it was the right choice, of that I'm quite certain."

Charles sighed and stepped around him, coming to lean on the table, arms crossed. Their eyes met across the short distance. "Look. If you say it's alright, it's alright. I'll believe you, mate, honest I will."

He nudged Edwin's toe with his own, sock to holey sock. "But, y'know. Not for nothing, but at school you was always going on about all that stuff you wanted to do. Bloody... archaeology in Peru, and whatever else. Just don't see how a law degree gets you there, is all."

Edwin leaned back in his chair a bit, steepling his fingers. "Well, no. No, it doesn't get me to Peru; or Pompeii, or Patagonia —"

"Or anywhere beginning with a 'p'," Charles teased.

Edwin's lips twitched up in a little smile. "But it will get us somewhere. A great many somewheres, I imagine. As degrees go, it opens rather a lot of doors."

Charles cocked his head, squinting fondly. "'Us'?"

"Obviously, Charles," said Edwin, with a dismissive wave of his hand. Like a reality where he didn't bring Charles wherever he went wasn't worth considering.

Charles grinned, ducking his head.

"I'm sure you'll chastise me for my cynicism," Edwin continued, oblivious to Charles and his soppy moment. "But... Well, given the somewhat rocky beginnings you and I have encountered in life, I thought it best to..."

"What? Play it safe?"

"Yes," said Edwin. Firm, unapologetic. "Exactly. Because I would very much like for both of us to be safe in life, Charles."

"We are! Well," Charles shrugged, scratching at his nose with a wince. Still ached a bit sometimes, all told, even though the break was years ago. "We are now."

"And I would like for it to stay that way."

"It will!" Charles half-perched on the table, and nudged Edwin's leg with his big toe. "I'll look after us, won't I?"

Edwin looked up at him, and his eyes softened. Fuck, but he had the kindest bloody eyes — least when he turned them on Charles he did. His hand landed on Charles' knee, gentle as you like; rubbing small circles with his thumb like Charles had done on his shoulders.

"You've done more than enough already, Charles," he said, looking him dead in the eye; not letting him hide for anything. "It's only fair I look after you, too, now and again. Especially when it's within my power to do so."

Charles laughed, a thin, hitching sort of thing. His eyes felt all prickly. Fuck, he couldn't go crying on him, now — his eyeliner'd smudge everywhere, it'd be so obvious.

"Look after me," he mimicked, catching Edwin's hand in his, stealing it all for himself. "You gimme a bloody reason to wake up in the morning, mate. What else d'you need?"

Edwin opened his mouth, brows going all scrunched up like they did at the start of a concerned lecture. Charles ducked in and shushed him quicksharp with a kiss.

"Not saying I'm about to, like, off myself if you chuck me, or anything," he laughed against his lips, fondness glowing in the grate of his ribs like smouldering coals. He chased the kiss with a smaller one, to the corner of Edwin's mouth; the scratchy dusting of his five o'clock shadow. "I'd just wallow about being proper depressed, so. Don't chuck me, please?"

Maybe he was clinging a little too hard for his tone of voice. Maybe he was giving it all away in the hands — always such desperate, grasping fucking things. Always his problem, the hands. How they grabbed things, hit things, did things before his brain always had the chance to catch up. How long 'til Edwin got sick of Charles hanging onto him like a life raft, dragging him down with his dead weight? How long 'til the bones in Edwin's hands started to creak from being clutched too tight?

But Edwin just scoffed, quietly — completely failing to hide that little spark of humour in his eyes. "I hardly think that's a possibility, Charles," he said, lifting his other hand to pat the back of Charles'. His soft fingertips kissed feather-light against Charles' grazed, calloused knuckles. "Honestly,” he sighed, dramatically. “Here I sit, talking about the devastatingly boring career I'm attempting to get off the ground in order to keep you in the manner to which you've become accustomed, and you think I'm about to chuck you."

He shook his head, crow’s feet crinkling and bloody hell. Charles loved him so much it felt overwhelming, sometimes. Like he needed a whole extra heart in his chest just to store it all.

Charles kissed Edwin's hand and flopped, happily, onto his lap, grinning at the mild ‘oof’ it shoved out of him. Grinning even wider when Edwin's other arm wrapped around Charles’ waist without a second thought. Edwin was a bit picky about personal space, for good reason — not with Charles, though. Charles had a standing invitation and he put it to bloody good use.

"Bet you could make a weird job work for you too, y'know," said Charles, dropping his next peck to Edwin's forehead as he sank into his lap. His head felt heavier already; only thing keeping him going was the effort of holding himself upright. Draped over Edwin like a blanket, he could've just dozed off right then and there. But the kitchen chair was creaking threateningly, so. Probably a bad idea. "I know the weird stuff's usually more competitive and that, but you're that smart. You'd run rings round the others, mate, get ahead of the game."

He flung his arms round Edwin's shoulders, scratched at the back of his head, the hair at his nape. It was a little longer than Edwin liked it. He needed a trim. So did Charles, really; his racing stripes had grown out and he kept having to blow stray curls out of his eyes. But they were saving their pennies any way they could. "You could go do something interesting, something a bit barmy," said Charles. "Something with a bit of adventure, yeah? Or at least where you get to have your nose in interesting books all day. You'd love that."

Edwin sighed, resting his cheek against Charles' shoulder as his eyes drifted shut. "That does sound compelling. But I've rather made my bed, Charles; I’ve no money coming in at all if I don’t study for it. And it is interesting, in moderation. Besides, it..."

"What?"

"It seems... like a decent thing to do." The warm weight of Edwin's arm squeezed Charles' waist. "Something I could do a modicum of good with."

Charles heard a rustle, and glanced over his shoulder. Edwin's other hand was flicking through the law book on the table, clever fingers finding the module he wanted without even checking the contents. Charles had to squint at it a moment, his exhausted eyes skittering off the page. He thought he saw 'human' and 'rights' in that word soup of a title.

He softened. "Eds..."

"I merely thought..." Edwin made a little noise of frustration in his throat, angling his face further into Charles. Speaking so soft it almost got lost in his skin, words lodging small and timid in his bones. "So many years, Charles. Trapped at the mercy of other people, no one caring if we lived or died, I... I could do something about it. Learn the right words to say, the right arguments, the right resources. So no one else need..."

Sometimes it fucking killed Charles, that there were people out there who thought Edwin was some... some selfish, spoiled rich toff with no feelings. As if he wasn't the kindest bloody person in the world; as if he hadn't had to carve that kindness out himself with his bare, bleeding hands.

Edwin sniffed. “It was just an idea,” he mumbled. “A silly idea.”

Charles shook his head, stroked Edwin's hair. "S'not a silly idea, love. Not silly at all."

Edwin never struggled to find his words like this — and he definitely didn’t mumble them. Words were his weapons, and he could go toe-to-toe with the best of 'em, talk bloody circles 'round his opponents.

Charles looked from him to the stack of books, the tower of teabags. The plastic clock on the wall, its hands marching on into the morning.

"Aw, mate," he said, rubbing the back of Edwin's neck — and dropping a kiss to the top of his head. "You're dead on your feet, in’t you?"

"I'm perfectly fine," Edwin grumbled. "And I've tests to study for —"

"Tests in subjects you're not bloody taking? Yeah, right." Charles bit his lip, cuddling Edwin's head against his chest. "Can't sleep, can you?"

Edwin was quiet a moment, breathing nice and steady into Charles' throat.

"It's still... difficult," he said.

Three door bolts and four hundred miles was a start, but bad memories had a way of following you about. Charles closed his eyes and breathed in, nice and slow; hoping Edwin could feel it in his chest, find a nice rhythm in his rising ribs.

"Edwin," he said, nuzzling into his hair. "On my life, mate — one of these days, you and me are gonna be so bloody set you'll be able to do whatever you want. Go back to uni fifty times, hundred times, don't care. Study for the rest of your life, if you want.” He tapped Edwin’s temple. “Cram everything that's ever interested you in that big brain of yours. Promise you."

It shouldn't've felt like taking a bloody knight's oath, whispered words at the kitchen table at stupid o'clock in the morning. But Christ, he'd fought off enough dragons to get ‘em here, hadn’t he?

He felt Edwin's smile against his skin, followed by the little dry brush of his kiss. "You could, too. If you liked," he said. "Get your A-levels, apply for university..."

Charles laughed, shaking his head. "Not sure I could keep up."

"Charles," Edwin admonished, in that stern teacher voice that was cuter (and fitter) than it had any right to be. "You're exceptionally bright."

"Ah, come on, mate," Charles mumbled, squirming. Edwin's arm round his waist locked as if it could sense an escape attempt incoming.

"You are. I remember your grades, before... well. Everything that occurred." He smoothed down the collar of Charles' fuck-ugly work shirt. "It's hardly your fault your final years went awry as they did. You could go back, take some courses at the local college. Try again."

"Right, sure."

Edwin huffed, frustrated. "I'm being quite serious, in the event that wasn't obvious."

"When aren't you?" Charles chuckled. He stared at the wall, at the stupid fucking boyband calendar their kooky upstairs neighbour gave Edwin for Christmas. Most of the writing on it was Edwin's, neat and tiny, scheduling tests and lectures and study blocks. Most of Charles' additions were just the word 'WORK', scribbled in on scattered days — more so Edwin knew when he was coming and going, rather than for his own benefit. Always different days, different times. Shift work; no chance to form a routine. He was never great at that, anyway.

"Not even sure what I'd do," he mumbled.

Edwin's palm on Charles' waist rubbed, soothing, grounding. "You never had something you wanted to study?" he asked. "Something you wanted to go into?"

"I..." His brow furrowed. It was so hard to think, sometimes. About times before now. Like all those bloody miserable years just blended into this mush of dread and misery. "I dunno what I wanted," he admitted. "Couldn't... couldn't think that far ahead, could I? I just wanted my mum to be alright. Wanted my dad to think I was worth something. Wanted not to hurt anymore."

He sniffed, and laughed, a watery sort of sound. His arm around Edwin's shoulders squeezed.

"Only thing I ever wanted and got back then was you," he said, flippant, like it didn't really matter. 'Cause it didn't really, did it? Wasn't some big confession or anything. Some deep, dark secret. Edwin knew. They both knew.

But Edwin breathed in sharply, a little ragged round the edges, so maybe he needed reminding now and again. "Charles..."

"Fuck," Charles chuckled, releasing Edwin so he could lean back and rub his eyes — so Edwin wouldn’t have his ear to Charles’ heart when it started beating too fast. "I'm shattered, mate. Dunno what I'm even saying anymore, do I?"

Maybe one of these days, he’d stop being too scared of the fucking size of his own feelings to sit with them a moment.

Maybe they both would.

Edwin sighed, pulling his hand from Charles' waist to pinch at the bridge of his own nose. "I suppose it has gotten rather late." He glanced at the clock, and winced. "Early. You should go and sleep. I'm sure you've had a long day."

Charles hummed, leaving his nice warm spot in Edwin's lap — but his hands didn't leave his shoulders. "C'mon, then," he mumbled, giving them a squeeze. "Bed."

"Better to go without me. I shan't sleep tonight."

"Didn't say anything about sleeping, now, did I?"

Edwin raised his eyebrow.

Charles' brain caught up to his mouth, and he laughed. "Ah — love to, darlin', but. Yeah, seriously, I'm fucking knackered. I meant, like — let's just have a bit of a cuddle, yeah?" He tugged at Edwin's collar where it poked out of his nice green jumper. It was a little crooked — Edwin must've really got into a study groove and unfastened a button or two. Fit as. "I proper fancy a cuddle."

"I'll be restless," said Edwin, all apologetic. "I'll only keep you awake."

Charles hummed, picking up the anthropology textbook and holding it out.

"Keep on reading, then," he said, giving Edwin the big, hopeful eyes he bloody knew he could never say no to. "Just... come read to me instead, yeah?"

Edwin had another dramatic sigh, like it was all such a big ask. He ought to tell that to his fucking smile lines. He took the book — and Charles' hand. "Well. I suppose I can manage that."

~

Charles didn't know how long Edwin stayed awake, in the end. Could've been hours for all he knew, he'd have had no idea — Charles had been asleep in bloody seconds. Head pillowed on Edwin's shoulder, that gorgeous voice rattling off dry old text blocks and making them sound like spoken-word lullabies... how could he resist?

All he knew was when he woke up, it was eleven in the morning, the sun was slanting through the crooked blinds; and Edwin was snoring softly underneath him. His hair a mess, his textbook open on his chest. His arm a slack, warm weight around Charles' shoulders.

Charles smiled, rubbed his dry eyes — forgot to scrub off his eyeliner before he konked out, again. Classic — and settled back in, nestling safe and sound into the the crook of Edwin's arm. Fuck it. It was Saturday. He'd asked Crystal to pick up his shift today, anyway, so him and Edwin could get a little quality time in.

If all they did with that time was sleep, well. Time well spent, innit? It wasn't like a smoke break from life when he did it with Edwin, anyway.

More like... stepping back to enjoy the view.

~~

Thanks for reading my loves, I hope it soothed the ache somewhat 💛 This has been a strange little one because I've essentially had to take something I very much wrote as a one-shot, and build onto what I established. When I wrote that first one-shot I didn't even have a clear idea in my mind for what Edwin was studying or anything! So things will likely change and grow and develop and who knows where we'll end up, but it's nice to see the lads figuring it out alongside me ^_^ Thanks for reading guys! It's been a bit of a long silence from me since Painland Week ended but I promise I'm working on stuff, including the next chapter of Lonely Bones! Regardless of what has happened to the show or whether it gets picked up or not, my plan is to keep writing and creating for it for as long as it sparks joy to do so - and seeing as I've made some amazing friends in this fandom, I think I'm gonna be here a while! I sure hope you guys are, too 💛 (p.s. if you are over 18, trustworthy with semi-secret identities, and like weird rarepair smut, feel free to DM me for my side Ao3 that I'm sure will be getting some action over the next few months xD)

[youthereader]

Near Zero part 1.

pairing: cillian murphy as j. robert oppenheimer x fem!reader

summary: 2.8k words. Brought on as part of the Manhattan Project, your old physics professor sees you in a new light.

rating: eventually E (no smut in this part); age gap (10+ years), infidelity, period-typical sexism

a/n: Though based on real life characters, this is J. Robert Oppenheimer as played by Cillian Murphy, a fictional character. This is not intended to be historically accurate, merely written as entertainment. This is my first reader fic ever, so please be kind! Many thanks to @indulgence-be-thy-name for encouraging me and helping iron out wrinkled ideas.

part 2. 3.* 4. 5. 6.* 7.*

When you see him now, he’s so different to the last time, but he’s unmistakably the same man. Now, he wears a broad hat and carries a pipe as he approaches you in the empty room.

“I was wondering when you would show up,” he says, and his smile opens him up completely.

He extends a hand as you rise to meet him. Your things are being sorted thoroughly somewhere out back, but you still hold onto your coat and matching pocketbook. Los Alamos feels like another world, so remote that you hadn’t expected the town to be built here, with roads and people swarming. It is a living, breathing thing you’ve somehow managed to stumble into, it feels.

“Dr. Oppenheimer,” you reply, shaking his hand. “I didn’t know if you were meeting me.”

“Wouldn’t want to miss it,” he replies, though he sounds distracted. “What do you know?”

Hardly any pleasantries, which you expected. In the years of knowing him, Dr. Oppenheimer didn’t get to know you as your professor, and certainly not as anything else outside of the classroom. You had not subscribed to the Cult of Oppie, and not necessarily out of choice.

Though there were women studying theoretical and experimental physics, they were few and far between. Since leaving high school, you had understood that to be taken seriously, you could not act like a man. The few friends you had in high school often teased you about your lack of grace, your ability to be covered in chalk dust at any given time, and your unwavering standoffish nature.

You belong in a think tank, not on a podium proclaiming these theories. You could work in a team, which was why you supposed your name came up for this.

“My country needs me,” you reply.

He smiles again, somewhat smaller. His eyes survey you a beat longer and you swallow, picturing your hair windswept and unruly from the train journey. You might smell of sweat, you hadn’t showered since yesterday and came straight here when you let yourself known to security.

“And your country will be glad to have you. Have a seat.”

He gestures to a desk and chair, waiting for you to sit. The silence stretches and you feel his eyes on you. You’re wearing your best dress and your nails match your lipstick. Though you were given little context about being summoned here, it felt like a job interview from the telegram you received a few days ago.

The last time he saw you, you dressed like someone that didn’t care about making a good impression.

To stamp down any nerves, you pluck your cigarettes case from your pocketbook, fishing one out. A lit match appears as you put a cigarette between your lips, Dr. Oppenheimer’s hand cupping the flame as you lean in.

“Mm, thank you,” you murmur. You exhale, watching as he pulls back, extinguishing it with a short puff of air.

He stares down at the burnt-out match for a couple seconds before he looks back at you again, his brows furrowing.

“This opportunity means reaching beyond what we have before scientifically,” he says, and you take another pull from your cigarette.

You speak around your smoke. “This is to do with Nazi weapons, isn’t it.”

“They split the atom,” he replies, and you nod. “And since you’re here, it means you’ve been cleared to be part of our great endeavour.”

The ‘our’ would be ‘his’ to a lot of people. You know better, having seen the hundreds of people outside.

“I need like-minded people,” he says.

You rub the tip of your thumb and forefinger together absently, frowning. You were the first to admit that you had very little in your life besides your work, and that hadn’t been plentiful since war broke out. Belatedly, it occurs to you that he’s referring to your intelligence.

“What could I contribute? I wasn’t one of your best.”

“You were,” he amends, lowering his voice a little. “You just didn’t participate outside of a school building. You were invited.”

Your eyes swing to meet his and you recall that Oppie reputation, that he was a womanizer underneath the genius. It never meant to be aimed towards you, that charm. Or so you assumed.

“I’m not the type to enjoy crowds,” you reply. “It’s a character flaw of mine.”

You were speaking just like your parents, the ones that had not encouraged you to pursue academia. Being a homemaker, someone with a reliable husband was what they wanted for you.

“Would you have come, if I asked you to, personally?” he asks.

His question throws you, and you stammer out: “N-now, or back then?”

“I asked for you both times,” he says.

For the first time, you blush. Hoping he ignores this, you smoke some more to clear your head. You had almost forgotten about his ability to make you flustered.

“If you asked me to come to a class party personally, I would have said yes,” you admit.

You dare to glance his way again, stomach flipping. So much for being a more polished version of yourself, you’re back to being mousey and strange under those intense eyes.

“That’s a pity,” he murmurs. “But I’m glad you’re here now.”

-

In the days and weeks to follow, it’s quickly made clear that there’s no leaving Los Alamos. Your residence is between a series of identical houses. The house itself is barely larger than your living quarters you remember from college. A cramped bedroom, a washroom, and a kitchenette. Nowhere to entertain to speak of, but it was still a privilege to have your own space. Your neighbors to your left are a young family of three, and to your right, there are two secretaries related to fellow scientists.

You keep to yourself. You opt for a long letter to your parents explaining very little about the new role here. You’re certain your letters are read by someone along the way for obvious reasons, and explaining it all tires you anyway.

Being a part of something as insular as this takes some adjusting to say the least. There is no escaping without being noticed, as there are guards all over. You overhear town gossip without meaning to; the tiny bubble you circle over and over is both thrilling and stifling. Everything feels pressurized in those first couple days in your new home especially. You sit on your new bed with your hands in your lap, cigarette perpetually lit in times like these.

You leave early the morning you’re expected in the department, unable to delay the inevitable any longer. You’re not the only one with this drive, walking into the main laboratory (a wide room with desks in rows with a blackboard at the back) to find several men already seated, chatting with one another.

You pause, waiting as their attention diverts to you. You recognize a few of them from professional acquaintance, whereas others you’ve only known by reputation. The air shifts, and you feel very out of place.

“Good morning,” you say, voice soft, controlled.

You wish to be invisible, which was why your clothes were far demurer than what you arrived in earlier that week. Admittedly, you did agonize over your hair for perhaps longer than necessary, but you’re glad you haven’t done childish braids or nothing at all. There’s a fine line to tread with these men; being attractive but not ostentatious is usually the aim. From what you’ve learned over the years, not caring about your appearance tends to backfire in terms of being taken seriously.

You don’t agree with any of this, of course. No-one should be judged on their appearance in terms of their intelligence or whether they’re worth listening to. Unfortunately, this is just the game you must play, especially in academia.

Your eyes catch various reactions, some eyes lighting up with recognition, others perplexed. Some might not have seen you in years and don’t remember you at all, which is fair. You never strove to be known; your work is what mattered.

A couple men come forward to shake your hand, pleased to see you. You ignore the way a few pairs of eyes dip to your exposed ankles. You’re scanned and assessed, and whether you’re found wanting is forgotten, for you feel the touch of someone’s hand on your arm and turn your head towards the source.

“Oppie. Back in one piece!” someone calls out.

You stare at the side of Dr. Oppenheimer’s face, your arm burning from where he touched you to slip past. Had he been that close behind you on your way there? You don’t think you could have missed him, though you were preoccupied with your thoughts.

“Yes. Well rested and ready to get back to work,” he replies, striding towards the front.

He doesn’t look your way, doesn’t acknowledge you in the slightest, which is fine. It’s not out of the ordinary, and so you sit down on the edge of the group, ankles together under your desk.

“Oppie the Rancher, I don’t see it.”

You can. His hat reminds you of a frontiersman. You can picture him staring out across the desert on his horse, reins in hand.

“A night under the stars can do wonders for your mind, Richard,” Oppenheimer retorts, pointing with his pipe. “You should try it sometime.”

The men banter and you sink into your observer role with ease. At least they’re not acting that differently with a woman present. As more people fill the room, you relax into your chair with your notebook and pen at the ready.

You stand as Dr. Bethe enters, shaking his hand. You will report to him, the head of the theoretical division. Once he takes a seat, the noise dissipates, and Oppenheimer launches into the meeting.

You will have to play catch-up for some time, but it’s not altogether intimidating. You know you can dedicate all your time to this, since you have no family staying here.

-

Days are spent with your head full of equations. You drink cups of drip coffee over and over, and ashtrays are filled and emptied. You are among a team of theorists assigned to a specific task by Bethe, whose own intellect is dedicated to your cause.

The goal is to solve the issue of nitrogen fusing into magnesium, or, to understand the probability of the nitrogen atoms fusing. There isn’t data on this, and so you must calculate for this occurring every time a fission bomb would detonate. Every time, there is a chance that the bomb would cause a chain reaction.

You write out the calculations like everyone else, and each conclusion is the same. There is a chance that the atmosphere itself may ignite.

Everyone else begs for rest, but your mind won’t give you relief. You chain smoke, standing in front of the blackboard with your chalk aloft, as the world darkens around you. You ignore your rumbling stomach, finishing the calculation again with a short sigh. Stepping back, you hear:

“What are you doing here?”

You turn your head to see Oppenheimer standing by the doorway, lips parting at the sight of your face, his hat in his hand. He walks over, glancing at the board behind you.

“It’s the same,” he says, eyes darting left to right.

“I’ve done this ten times,” you murmur. “Theory always leaves near zero chance of catastrophe.”

“Near zero,” he repeats, pulling in a breath. “Yes, I know.”

The weight of this is as much a reality to you as a theory, since this isn’t a classroom back in California, but a laboratory equipped with hundreds of scientific minds all working to build the same weapon. There are marbles representing very real plutonium in the fishbowl six feet away from you.

“I don’t wish to be an alarmist,” you add.

He looks at you again, eyes dipping to your mouth, and you feel a stir beneath your navel. To your surprise, he gives a small smile, but it’s not condescending. You’ve seen him give those out plenty before but have yet to receive one yourself.

“Your fears are valid, though not entirely necessary,” he murmurs. “I just got back from Michigan. I left in a panic about theory. But theory can only take you so far.”

You recall not seeing him for a couple days, though you are prone to missing others when you’re stuck in your own head. Oppenheimer is the exception, always.

He moves to lean against the desk beside you and you follow him, perching yourself at the edge as he looks down at his hat.

“I needed to speak to Compton about the potential chain reaction, of course there’s no possibility of speaking about it on the telephone-”

“So, you took a train all the way to see him?” you ask, and he nods. “But now you seem calm.”

“Not calm,” he says, though his voice is level. “More understanding that there’s a 3-in-a-million chance of total apocalypse.”

Those chances, though conceptually low, are not non-existent. You watch as he glances up at you once more, the air leaving the room. His eyes implore you.

“Near zero.”

“Near zero,” he echoes, his voice a near whisper. He places his hat back on his head.

You push off the desk and pick up the eraser, beginning to wipe the board clean of your calculations. When you finish, you look over at him again, frowning.

“If you’re more understanding, why are you here?”

It’s possible he didn’t go home because he needed to work this all out, like you. He keeps staring back at you, intimidating you as always, causing heat to rise at the back of your neck. In the low light, you hope it’s undetectable.

“The light was on. I saw you through the window.”

You swallow, ducking your head. “Oh.”

You place the eraser back on the ledge, and the space between you seems to shrink though neither of you move. You might be imagining the way he takes you in. He’s the director, and he has valid concerns for his staff.

But you’re no fool. His gaze is too familiar, especially when he nods at you, saying:

“Grab your things. I’ll work you out.”

You obey, following him out, switching off the light along the way. As you walk together down the halls, your footsteps echoing, you smell him beside you. He is tobacco, and body odour. Nothing sharp or unpleasant, but intimate, a semi-sweet musk. You smell the dust on his jacket and think of him sitting astride his horse with that thousand-yard stare.

You exit the building with nods to the guards, bringing you back to the present. You don’t want to leave him there in the street, but his residence is nowhere near yours as far as you know. You think of his wife, not for the first time, and wonder what he tells her about what they’re doing here.

“I’m this way,” you murmur.

Oppenheimer doesn’t respond how you expect, walking beside you for a few minutes instead of leaving you to find your way home alone. The silence between you in companionable, not strained, which feels like a miracle to you. From memory, he has never been someone you had a poor encounter with. It feels like a fluke, but statistically, it makes sense.

Your head still reels with equations, probabilities, and dire consequences. The chances of sleeping are so low, but you still wish him goodnight when you arrive at your residence.

There are people in the street, some glancing your way, seeing him and wave. He lifts a hand but doesn’t greet them further. He waits, watching you try to figure out how to leave him.

“Try to sleep.”

“I don’t know how likely that is,” you admit, turning back to him.

His hands are on his hips, and he smiles knowingly.

“I need you sharp tomorrow.”

You stand so close to one another now that his voice is low, the intimacy of the moment spreading over you.

“You’re no longer Sisyphus, you can rest.”

You think about pointing out the hypocrisy of this. You doubt he finds it easy to sleep at night, under the stars or otherwise.

“I think it’s more like the incy wincy spider,” you say, emboldened by his proximity to you. “Not quite as tragic.”

He chuckles and you smile back at him. He steps back, nodding a little. “Have a good night.”

He waits for you to go to your door, and you open it, glancing back at him for a moment. His smile returns, an understanding shade to his eyes.

“Remember the sun comes out again,” he calls.

He takes off, and you shut the front door behind you, leaning your forehead against it as you exhale.

Thank you for reading! 🖤 Likes, reblogs and replies are always appreciated and genuinely motivate me. 🥺

[duskandcobalt]

Everywhere, Everything: Chapter Seven

Chapter Summary: Elain heads back to Velaris for Christmas after rejecting Graysen's marriage proposal.

Word Count: 6.6k

Warnings: mentions of dv (please see authors note below), smattering of smut (18+ pls)

Missed the first six chapters? You can find the Masterlist for this fic here 🥰

A/N: *peaks out from the hole I've been hiding in* heyyyy  😅

Once again, I must begin by saying thank you for all your lovely comments and messages about this fic and all the others. I cannot appreicate how much it means to me. A special thank you to everyone who's checked in with me over the past few months and given me kindess, support, and patience. There are some lovely people on this app and I am so honoured that you choose to read and engage with my fic.

Please note that there is a very brief mention of domestic violence in this chapter within the context of a conversation. If that's something you'd rather skip reading, please feel free to do what's best for you.

ENJOY XX

Read on AO3

The fire was dwindling down, empty cups were scattered on every available surface, Christmas music played over the speakers, and wrapping paper was strewn on the floor of Azriel’s living room. 

It’d been a Christmas like all the others - drinking and eating and lots of gifts exchanged, though Nyx had made out the best of  anyone, spoiled rotten by all of his aunties and uncles. They’d played a few games, exchanged a bit of gossip about mutual acquaintances, and throughout all the festivities, Azriel had kept a careful eye on Elain. 

He watched her now, his brows pulling together above the rim of the whisky glass he’d raised up to his lips. She was sitting quietly in her usual spot on his couch, lazily tracing circles around the rim of her nearly empty wine glass. 

There was something different about her tonight that he couldn't quite place but he was determined to figure out. While everyone else had been enjoying themselves, he could sense a peculiar cloud of something sad that seemed to follow Elain around no matter how hard she tried to smile and laugh and pretend like everything was okay when it was clear - to him, at least - that things were far from fine.

His first sign that something was wrong was when Elain had walked into his house earlier, avoiding eye contact and barely even bothering with a proper hug as she muttered a ‘Merry Christmas’ and a ‘thank you for hosting’ all while hiding behind a pile of gifts stacked tall in her arms. Even when she'd come back home with Graysen in tow she hadn't held back from him like that and her iciness had caught him completely off guard. 

He’d been so anxious to see her again after all this time, that he hadn’t fully considered the reality of the situation. Azriel knew that the last time they’d seen each other had been tense but it hadn't ended badly by any means. And sure, he hadn't spoken to her properly in well over half a year but she replied to his sparse texts and he still woke up to a voice note from her on his birthday so he’d figured that that had to count for something. That maybe that was to be their new normal. He’d resigned himself to taking what he could get - that’s what he’d told her after all on Nesta’s porch that night. He wanted her in his life in whatever way he could have her. 

The second thing to clue him in that something was wrong was that right after she’d placed the presents under the Christmas tree, Elain had made a beeline to the kitchen and poured herself a shot of whatever bottle of alcohol her eyes had landed on first.

It wasn't that he wasn't used to seeing her drink, although she’d certainly never been a drinker in the way the rest of their friend group indulged, but he’d never once seen her drink like this - knocking back shot after shot when she thought no one was watching. It was rare for her to even pour a drink without asking if she could. Almost a decade of knowing her and Elain always asked permission no matter how many times he insisted that she help herself to whatever she wanted. 

Azriel had counted at least seven trips to the kitchen tonight - all for a drink, none for food. Even the speciality cheese she adored and that he’d purchased just for her after she confirmed her attendance, sat untouched. But for having downed a minimum of seven drinks, she didn’t really appear to be all that drunk. He had to give her credit because she held her alcohol surprisingly well - the only real give away that she was drunk was a slight stumble as she stood up from the sofa the last time she went to the kitchen and a droop to her eyelids that could be attributed to exhaustion.

Elain had sat quietly most of the night, speaking only when spoken to and channelling most of her attention on Nyx when he’d been awake but now that her nephew was fast asleep on the sofa next to her, Shadow curled up at his feet, she had no real distraction and Azriel watched curiously as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat, opening her mouth a dozen times as if to speak only to seemingly decide against it and retreat back into herself. 

He’d planned on once again cornering her to try and figure out what the hell was going on and to see if there was absolutely anything he could do to ease whatever clearly ailed her. He’d intended to follow her into the kitchen the next time she went to drown her sorrows but he never got the chance because after a prolonged moment of silence amongst the group - she finally spoke. 

Azriel all but froze as Elain cleared her throat and wrung her hands together in her lap, tugging at the sleeves of the long sleeved black top she was wearing. Her empty glass of wine had been carefully placed on the coffee table in front of her.

“Graysen proposed,” she hiccupped, nervously tucking her hair behind her ears as she delivered her news without even a second of preamble. 

The two words were softly spoken and she’d said them in one breath with no break in between but Azriel heard her loud and clear.

His stomach dropped, the three or four drinks he’d consumed turned sour in his stomach and did very little to ease the pain of his heart slamming against his chest as Nesta and Feyre began firing off question after question - all of which were ignored by Elain and none of which he could actually hear over the incessant buzzing in his ears. 

He prayed that he’d heard her wrong. Prayed that there was no way she’d actually said what he thought she’d said. It wasn’t until he saw Feyre reach for Elain’s left hand that Azriel forced himself to focus, his eyes zeroing in on her fingers - at the vacant space where one would expect to find a ring after an announcement such as the one Elain had just made. 

“I said no,” she whispered, catching Feyre’s confused expression as her sister’s index finger slid over Elain’s bare skin. 

No. 

She’d said no. She’d said no. She’d said no. 

Azriel repeated the words to himself over and over again as it was his own personal mantra, drilling it into his head as he finally allowed himself to breathe. He couldn’t look at her face, couldn’t bear to find out what expression he’d find there. All he could do was stare at her hand - at that perfect, unadorned finger - no glimmering diamond to be found. 

“A few months ago,” he heard her tell the girls. 

“Why’d you say no?” Nesta asked, her voice soft although Azriel could hear the smallest inkling of relief in it that mirrored his own feelings. He wondered if maybe Nesta had seen through Graysen’s facade as well and had quietly hoped that her cousin would come to her senses and leave him. 

Azriel tore his attention away from Elain’s fingers and up to her face only to watch as her eyes lifted to meet his for a fleeting moment before she quickly looked away from him and back to Nesta. 

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “We hadn’t even talked about it and I was caught so off guard. It just didn’t feel right.” She took a deep, staggering breath, Azriel could see the shimmer of tears beginning to well along her lash line. “I don’t think I ever really loved him…. I never really like them all that much.”

She said the last part to herself, a drunken admission whispered to the floor. It was a confession that she’d spent her entire adult life with men that she didn’t even truly care for. Azriel couldn’t bring himself to wonder why she did what she did or why she’d finally admitted it. He wouldn’t let himself consider that maybe she found herself staying in meaningless relationship after meaningless relationship for the same reason he found himself avoiding them all together. 

“I think… I think I may need to lay down,” Elain muttered after a moment of tense, awkward silence. It was clear that no one in the room quite knew what to say or do. Feyre and Nesta were staring at her dumbfounded. Cassian and Rhys were exchanging mildly panicked looks as they tried to figure out what to do in this situation. “I feel a little dizzy all of a sudden.”

“Come upstairs,” Azriel was on his feet before he could even think to stop himself, speaking without even consciously meaning to as he bypassed Feyre and Nesta to get to Elain. He stepped forward, one hand outstretched towards her. 

He didn't miss the look Feyre gave Nesta. A silent enquiry as to whether they should let him take her upstairs - as if the two of them knew what had happened the last time he and Elain had been left alone on Christmas. Nesta just nodded, one subtle dip of her chin that had Feyre watching in stunned silence as Elain placed her hand in Azriel’s. 

Neither of the girls had ever said anything to him about that night other than to acknowledge that Elain had, in fact, flown home the following morning. An emergency at work was the flimsy excuse Nesta had given him the following day when he’d called her and done his best to enquire about Elain’s whereabouts without raising any suspicion. 

Azriel carefully pulled Elain up, keeping her hand in his as his other arm wrapped around her waist to keep her upright as he slowly and carefully led her up his stairs, guiding her to the guest room a couple doors down from his own bedroom. 

He flipped back the duvet and sat her down on the bed. He could feel her eyes on him as she silently watched him lower himself to his knees so he could unzip her boots and slide them off her feet. 

“Lay back,” he tapped gently on her calf, hands hovering around her in case she needed help. 

“Not the first time you’ve said that to me,” Elain quipped, flopping back in a less than graceful manner before turning onto her side to face him. There was the tiniest smirk on her lips, the smallest bit of amusement shining in her sad eyes. He almost found himself smiling at the drunken comment until her expression changed, those pretty lips of hers turning down at the corners. 

“Az.. will you stay with me? After everyone goes?” 

Azriel grimaced, ignoring the pull from the part of his heart that was ready and willing to bend to her every whim. “I can’t, Elain.” 

“Why?” Her eyebrows pulled together to create a small crease on her forehead. He fought the urge to reach out and smooth away that visible line of tension with a gentle pass of his thumb. “You always used to stay with me.” 

“It’s different now,” he exhaled, shoulders dropping as he absentmindedly ran a hand through his hair. “You’re not mine, Elain.”

“That’s not true,” Elain frowned, fighting to keep her eyes open. “I’ve always been yours.” She said it with every bit of drunken sincerity in the world, whispered soft and sweet even as she lost the battle to sleep and her eyes began to flutter shut. 

Her words were like a knife to his heart. He knew she never would’ve said it if the amount of alcohol in her bloodstream didn’t outweigh her good senses. He had no idea whether she’d even remember any of this in the morning. 

“Why did you stay with him? If you didn’t love him? If you didn’t like any of the others? Why would you stay with them?” Azriel couldn’t help but ask, going against his better judgement to seek an explanation for the questions that had haunted him for years even if he knew that whatever answer she gave him, it was unlikely to offer him any semblance of peace. 

“It’s easier to pretend if there’s someone else,” Elain’s hands came up to her throat, her fingertips mindlessly searching for something. She frowned when she came up empty, her nails digging into the space between her collarbones instead. The sight unsettled Azriel enough to momentarily distract him from what she’d just said. 

The necklace he’d given her on her birthday a few years ago, the one she’d worn religiously every day since, the one that tethered her to him, was missing from her neck and it was like a punch to his gut. 

“The chain broke,” Elain whispered, having followed his line of sight to where he’d been openly staring at the place the gold pendant had sat against her skin for half a decade. “It’s in my bag, I was hoping you’d be able to fix it.”

Azriel nodded, relieved that she hadn’t actually taken the necklace off herself. He stood there, arms hanging uselessly at his side for a couple more seconds until her eyelids drifted shut once again. He walked towards the door, deciding to let her sleep this off, but he paused before he could leave, turning towards her once more. 

He thought maybe he was a sadist because asking these questions, pushing for these answers, would only serve to expand that ever growing crack in his heart. Still, he couldn't seem to help himself. 

“Lain?” Part of him hoped that she’d already drifted off to sleep, that she wouldn’t answer and he wouldn’t get to ask his question and have to hear her response.. 

“Yeah, Az?” The corner of her eyes crinkled as she looked at him, squinting. 

“What did you mean?” He asked. “When you said it’s easier to pretend?”

She paused for a moment, teeth scraping over her bottom lip as she turned so she was on her back, her eyes focused on the ceiling. 

“When I’m with someone else,” she started, voice so quiet that he had to strain to hear her over the music carrying up the stairs and under the gap in the door. “It’s easier to distract myself from the fact that sometimes I want you so badly, I think it might kill me.” 

The ache in his chest was so sharp and so immediate that he had to grip the handle on the door harder just to feel like he had some sort of control over his body. He had no idea what to do with that information. Had no idea what to say back. He’d waited what felt like a lifetime to hear her say those words to him, he’d just never imagined that it would be so painful. 

He couldn’t speak, could barely even remember his name. He hadn’t realised how long he’d been silent until he noticed that she’d fallen asleep, her head now tilted towards him. 

Azriel set his shoulders and backed out of the room, quietly shutting the door behind him. He took a deep breath, pushing back every bit of emotion that he felt, before slowly making his way back downstairs.

Elain stuck an arm out from under the covers, her fingers blindly reaching to her nightstand for her phone. It wasn’t until she felt the sharp corner of a wooden surface instead of the rounded edge of her own bedside table that she realised that she wasn’t at home in her own bed. She peeked out from under the covers, taking in her surroundings with one blurry eye. 

Light was beginning to filter in through a pair of cream curtains covering a rather large window. The bed she was in was comfy and not completely unfamiliar, the bed linen looked similar to a set that she’d helped Azriel choose back when they’d gone shopping for… 

“Fuck,” Elain groaned, sitting up and dragging her hands over her face. 

She wasn’t at home. She wasn’t in her designated room at her sister’s house. No - she’d been fast asleep in Azriel’s guest bedroom. 

It didn’t take much to figure out just how she’d ended up here. The pounding in her head and the dryness in her mouth were enough to tell her that she’d maybe taken it a little too far with the alcohol last night.

She’d started drinking before they’d even left Feyre’s, just a couple of glasses while getting ready that she told herself were for liquid courage. She’d known the second that they pulled into Azriel’s driveway that she’d need far more to get through seeing him again under a whole new set of circumstances that only she was privy to and so she’d thrown caution to the wind and had been throwing back drinks any chance she got. 

She really hadn’t even been planning on telling anyone about the proposal but after an hour or so of drinking, she’d felt the urge to say it - to let them know what had happened. To let them know she and Graysen were done. Elain couldn’t remember much past the moment she’d drunkenly blurted out the news.. she remembered Feyre and Nesta’s surprised faces and the faraway look on Azriel’s face when she’d dared to glance at him but everything past that moment seemed to be a blur. 

If she really tried to push for details, she could vaguely remember being helped up the stairs because she was too far gone to manage on her own but that was all her hungover brain could string together.

“Lain?” The low register of Azriel’s morning voice rumbled through the door as a knock lightly sounded on the surface. “You up? Can I come in?” 

“Yeah, come in!” She called back, wincing at how sore her voice sounded in her ears.

Elain sat up, quickly running a hand through her tangled hair as she propped up a pillow behind her and let the duvet fall to her waist. It was so much colder in this room than she’d expected and she didn’t fully register why until Azriel walked in. 

“Morning, how you feeling? I brought some -” he’d been halfway through his sentence, sleepy eyes scanning over her until they widened at the exact same time the tips of his ears went red. 

She’d lost her top at some point during the night - something she hadn’t realised until the cold morning air had hit her bare skin. Azriel turned around quickly, the glass of water in his hand sloshing over slightly with the speed at which he averted his gaze.  “Fuck. Sorry! I thought.. You said to come in and I thought… fuck .” 

Elain quickly tugged the sheets back up to her chin, fighting the urge to pull them over her head altogether and suffocate herself from embarrassment. Twice now, she’d woken up in Azriel’s house on the day after Christmas naked in one of his beds. Maybe next year she’d check off the last remaining room. 

“No, I’m sorry, I didn’t even realise I - wait, you can turn around…” she fumbled with her words, watching as he slowly turned to face her. His cheeks were pink and the hand that wasn’t cradling a glass of water and an entire pack of headache tablets came up to fidget with the worn neck of the old t-shirt he’d chucked on this morning. “I always get so hot at night and I usually sleep with a fan and I just must’ve… taken it off. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I should’ve gotten you a change of clothes but I didn’t want to…” he trailed off, coming closer to hand her the water as he opened up the packet of tablets and slipped out a few. “I barely saw anything, if that helps.” 

Elain took the tablets from him. “Barely anything, huh?”

She took a small bit of satisfaction from the way he frowned in confusion before he caught on, the blush that had finally subsided from his cheeks came back full force. 

“ Not what I meant,” Azriel shook his head, raking a hand through his hair as she tossed back the tablets. “There’s plenty to see… just the right amount.”

“I’d stop speaking now if I were you,” Elain rolled her eyes. “Thank you for the tablets and the water and for letting me stay the night.”

“It’s nothing,” Azriel shrugged, gingerly sitting on the very edge of the bed. His eyes scanned over her again, lingering on the bare skin of her shoulder that had escaped the cover of the duvet before they slid to her fingers and then back up to her face. “Are you feeling alright?” 

“Could be better,” she answered, realising that she hadn’t actually gotten around to responding the first time he’d asked her. “Can’t drink like I used to, I suppose.”

“You’ve never drank like that, Lain.” Azriel chuckled. “I think that’s part of the problem.”

He was right. She was notoriously a lightweight when it came to alcohol and had never needed more than four or five drinks before she was just the right amount of drunk. 

“A shower and some food and I’ll feel brand new,” she sighed. 

“I’ll grab you a towel and some clothes,” he nodded, fingers mindlessly tapping at his knee. “Have a shower and come down, I’ll make you some breakfast and then if you’re up for it we can go over to the studio and I’ll fix your necklace. Fresh air might do you some good.” 

“You don’t have to do that, Az. I’ll call Feyre to pick me up and get out of your way.” Elain started to look around for where she might’ve tossed her top, suddenly anxious that she’d been here too long. That she was eating into his day, once again taking up time that she didn’t deserve. 

“I know that I don’t have to, Elain. I want to.” He insisted, voice gentle as ever as he looked over at her. “You aren’t in my way.”

Elain didn’t say anything, just looked down at her lap as he stood up, adjusting the waistband of the plaid pajama pants he had on. “Chocolate chip or blueberry?” 

“What?”

“Pancakes,” Azriel clarified, a shy grin on his lips. “Chocolate chip or blueberry?” 

“Blueberry, please.” Elain couldn’t help but mirror her grin, especially when her stomach audibly grumbled at the mere mention of food. 

An hour or so later, Elain sat quietly, perched  on a bench top in Azriel’s workshop. She was warm from the scorching shower she’d taken and clothed in an assortment of clothes that he’d handed her with a towel this morning - his shirt, his sweatpants… a lacy pair of underwear she recognised as the ones she hadn’t bothered to search for when she’d snuck out of his house the previous year.

She watched him as he took a seat, sliding a frame of protective glasses over his eyes before he fired up a small torch. He situated himself, leaning forward as he began to carefully solder Elain’s necklace back together. 

She told herself she was just watching a master at work but her attention had drifted from the actual work being done to focus on the movement of his deft fingers, the shifting muscles of his strong back and shoulders. She studied the side of his face - the slope of his nose, the concentrated furrow of his brows, the way his lips pressed together as he worked. 

She didn’t realise just how intensely she’d been staring at him until she found herself looking into his actual eyes rather than just his side profile. Elain quickly sat up straight, rolling her shoulders as she lowered her eyes and tried to keep her cheeks from flooding with colour. 

“You said the necklace broke while you were changing,” Azriel stood up, pushing his glasses back, using them like a headband to keep his thick hair off of his forehead. It was ridiculous that he managed to look good even like that. 

“The way the chain was broken,” he spoke carefully as he approached her. “It didn’t look like a simple snag, it looked like there was some force behind it. 

Elain swallowed, her cheeks now burning for an entirely different reason. She turned to look out of the window to her right, pretending to watch the snow as it drifted lazily from the cold, gray sky. 

“Lain?” Azriel tried again. He was standing in front of her now, just inches from her knees. “How did the necklace really break?”

Elain paused, unsure how to proceed or what to even say. She couldn’t lie to him. Not again. She’d told herself in the shower this morning - after she’d had a small cry and wallowed in self pity - that this needed to be a new start, that she couldn’t keep shutting him out. Especially now that she no longer had the excuse of having a boyfriend in the picture. 

“Graysen… he didn’t like the necklace very much,” she started. “He always had an issue with it, even before he met you. He didn’t like that I never took it off or that it was from a friend . It only got worse after he came home with me and saw us and then when I… when he proposed and I said no, he said that if I didn’t want to accept the ring, I needed to take off the necklace. I guess to prove that I cared about him even if I didn’t want to marry him just yet.” 

“You didn’t take the necklace off,” Azriel stated, eyes boring into her even though she couldn’t quite bring herself to look back at him. 

“I couldn’t do it,” Elain’s voice shook slightly as she thought back to that night. “He obviously wasn’t happy with my choice and so he just… he reached forward and pulled it off of me.”

Elain’s eyes were shut, her heart racing at the memory of how she’d felt that night. How alone she’d been, how momentarily afraid. She couldn’t bring herself to tell Azriel that she’d woken to a small, raised scar on the side of her neck the next morning. She hadn’t realised that she’d been crying until Azriel’s hand cupped her face, the rough pad of his thumb gently sweeping across her cheek to brush away hot tears.

“I’m so sorry,” she mumbled.

“What are you apologising for?” Azriel asked. 

She could hear the restraint in his voice, the underlying anger that he carried on her behalf. 

“I don’t know,” Elain finally looked at him, giving him a sad smile. “I’ve just been so awful to you for so long now.” 

“You haven’t,” he assured her. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Lain. I just hope you know that how he acted - pulling this off of you - that’s not okay. You didn’t deserve that.” 

“I shouldn’t have led him on…” she shook her head. “I wasted his time. I wasted yours… he was right to be angry with me.” 

“Look at me,” Azriel demanded, palm sliding from her cheek down to her jaw so that he could tilt her face up towards his. “None of that matters.”

“It does though because I -” 

“Elain, did he ever…” Elain’s eyes travelled to the clench of his jaw, the way his throat flexed as he trailed off. “If he put his hands on you…” 

“No, Az.” Elain lifted her hand up to cover his where it still cradled her face. “There were words occasionally and he’d… when we… never mind,” she blushed, swallowing away the bitterness at remembering what the sex had been like after an argument or whenever he’d been jealous. “It was never… he never hit me.” She said finally.

Elain studied Azriel’s face carefully. Let him see that she was okay. That the only marker that anything had happened was a broken necklace that was easily mended. 

She knew where his mind had gone - knew his fears of her being treated the same way his mother had been treated. 

He’d confided in her years ago - told her about what he’d witnessed growing up and the anger he felt towards the man he didn’t even care to call father. Explained how ashamed he felt at being too small to really be able to do anything to help. 

Elain couldn’t bear the thought of him feeling like that again. Certainly not over her. 

“Azriel,” she squeezed his fingers to get his full attention. “He didn’t hurt me. I promise.” 

“Okay,” he nodded eventually, worried eyes meeting hers for one more moment as if to confirm that she was in fact unharmed before he leaned back and picked up her necklace from where he’d sat it on the bench next to her hip. “Here, just like new.” 

Elain didn’t reach for the necklace, instead she just gave him a shy smile and echoed the question she’d asked him when he first presented her with this necklace all those years ago. “Put it on me?” 

Azriel returned her smile with one just as shy, waiting as she gathered her hair and twisted it up to move it out of the way. His hands slipped around her neck, the chain cold against her skin. 

Azriel’s head dipped so that he could see what he was doing, his cheek skimming her hair as he took his time fastening the necklace. She’d missed the feeling, the reassuarance that the small bit of gold nestled against her chest provided her. 

“Last night… Did you mean what you said?” His question was so quiet, half hushed by the way his face was tilted into her hair. 

“Oh god,” she groaned, dread seeping through her veins. 

She’d been wondering all morning what had happened last night, had been trying to fill in the blanks between the bits she could remember… which wasn’t all that much. She was scared to even ask - afraid to know all the ways she might’ve embarrassed herself the previous night. “I don’t really remember what was said, to be honest.” 

He finally pulled back and straightened up, hands reaching forward to gently maneuver the necklace until it sat just right around her neck. Each brush of his fingers against her skin made her shiver in a way that she couldn’t possibly hide from him. 

The way that he was looking at her certainly didn’t help. Neither did the drag of his thumb against her neck, right over a pulsing vein that gave away her racing heart. 

“Right,” Azriel gave her a nervous smile that made her stomach drop in anticipation. “When Nesta asked you why you said no…”

“I do remember that part,” she cut him off, unable to bear hearing it again although she knew it could only get worse. 

“Well, when it was just us upstairs, after you’d asked me to stay -”

“Jesus, Az, I’m sorry -”

“Not something to apologise for,” the fingers of his other hand tapped out a pattern on her knee that caused yet another shiver to zip up her spine. “I asked you why you stayed with Graysen or with any of the others if you didn’t even actually like them and you told me that it was easier to do that than admit that you, um… wanted me.”

Elain bit the inside of her cheek as she glanced away from him yet again.

“Is that true?” Azriel prodded her for an answer and when she found the courage to look at him again, the look in his eyes, the unmistakable heat, threatened to stop her heart altogether. 

“What happens if I say yes?” She felt breathless, a little dizzy. Just like she felt a year ago when she’d been in a very similar situation - sat on a countertop, Azriel standing in between her knees. Their entire world balancing on a precipice. 

She wasn’t sure when she’d started to lean into his touch. Couldn’t pinpoint when her face had moved so close to his that his nose practically grazed hers. She had no way to tell if he had leaned down or if she had keened upwards, her body arching up to him like a flower seeking the sun. She didn’t know when any of it had happened but she didn’t fight it as her eyes fluttered shut and her lips parted in anticipation. 

Waiting. Wanting.

He didn’t answer her, only smoothed his thumb over her throat once more before repeating his own question. “Is it true, Elain?” 

“Yes,” she breathed, her voice verging on desperation. 

Azriel swallowed once, eyes tracing a slow path from her eyes to her lips before he answered her with action. 

Their lips met, clumsily at first though they fell into rhythm quickly, muscle memory kicking in as their mouths came together in a way that bordered on frantic. Her hands tangled in his hair while his ventured to her waist, pulling her into him while simultaneously pushing her further back onto the workbench until she was practically flat against it, his body pressing hers down.

“Elain…” Azriel’s voice was almost pained as he said her name, his lips coasting along her jaw, a different kind of restraint in his tone than the restraint he’d spoken with a few minutes before.

“Please,” she all but whimpered, desperate to feel his lips on hers again. 

“Can’t do this if you’re going to run again afterwards, Elain.” He told her, his hands still wandering, sliding under the soft fabric of the shirt she wore. His shirt. 

“I mean… my flight is booked for tomorrow,” she couldn’t help but joke, squealing and squirming as his fingers pressed into her side as punishment. 

“S’not funny,” he grumbled. 

“Sorry, sorry…” she schooled her face into a serious expression. “I do have to go tomorrow but it won’t be because of this, Az. Not this time. I promise.”

“We have a lot of talking to do,” Azriel told her, all the while his hands travelled further up her torso until his fingers grazed the soft skin of her breasts. 

Just that slight touch had her tugging him down towards her as she leaned further back once more, presenting herself to him. His for the taking. 

“Later,” she told him. “Talk later.”

She knew it was stupid  - to once again go down this route without having properly spoken about what they were doing. What this was. If it was even anything. All she knew was that she was tired of pretending. Tired of being afraid of the unknowns, of the what ifs. She wished she had any idea how this would all end, how it would play out. But that was a conversation for another day. Right now, all she wanted, all she needed , was this.  

“Later,” Azriel agreed, smiling into the crook of her neck before coming back up to kiss her again. This time it was unrushed, almost lazy. He took his time familiarising himself with her mouth the same way he took his time circling her nipples with his thumbs. She moaned into his mouth - half at the blissful feeling of his hands on her skin, half at the memory of what that same motion had felt like when he’d slid his hand up under her skirt the last time they’d done this. 

“Always want you like this,” she admitted, mind hazy as his mouth travelled down her neck and over her sternum as he pushed up her t-shirt until his lips were on the bare skin of her stomach. 

“Yeah?” his fingers tucked into the waistband of her sweatpants, tugging them down as she lifted her hips to aid in the process. Her underwear was pulled to the side, his fingers gliding over her entirely too easily with how wet she was for him. She heard him swear under his breath, in awe at his effect on her.

“Always,” she reiterated, gasping as he slowly slid a finger inside her. “For you. Always like this for you. Az, please can we just -”

She was speaking complete gibberish, anxious to get what she’d been coveting all this time even if she hadn’t wanted to admit it to herself. She didn’t want to waste any more time.

“Don’t have a condom with me,” he told her with a kiss to the inside of her thigh as he continued to touch her. She was distracted from her disappointment when he added another finger - tested the stretch of her. 

“You don’t have any here?” The lack of a condom hadn’t been an issue last time but it had been a year and she knew Azriel had a rotation of girls that he occasionally saw so when he didn’t follow up with a but I haven’t been with anyone, she didn’t let herself linger on it for too long. 

“Don’t really make it a habit to have sex in my workplace very often, or ever, to be honest. Safety concerns and all…” he trailed off, his breath hot over where she ached for his touch. “So this might just have to do for now, wanna make you co-”

His words were cut off by a shrill ring from somewhere besides them. 

“Ignore it,” she told him, hips tilting up in search of more as she flung a hand out to the side in search of her phone. Her fingers blindly fumbled on the screen until the ringing stopped. 

Azriel continued, fingers curling in just the right way as he circled her clit with his tongue - ever so slowly bringing her closer and closer to the edge. 

“Az, oh my God, I think, I think -” Elain gasped, grasping at his hair. She wanted to tell him she was close, to not stop, that she was going to come. But the shrill ring of her phone sounded again, effectively ruining the moment.

“You should probably get that,” Azriel reluctantly pulled away, fingers slipping out of her. He sighed deeply, forehead resting against her bare thigh as she reached for her phone and glanced at the screen. 

Two missed calls and fourteen unread texts. If it wasn’t for previous trauma of missed calls and texts, she might’ve let it go and urged Azriel to continue. She tapped on the screen a little harder than necessary.

“Hello, Nesta.” Elain huffed as she sat up, gently pushing Azriel away as she adjusted her underwear and pulled her pants up and her shirt back down. 

Azriel grinned, shamelessly watching as Elain made herself decent to speak to her sister while she tried to pretend like she hadn’t been splayed out on his workbench half naked, with his mouth in between her thighs mere moments ago. 

“Where the hell have you been? I’ve been texting you all morning, it’s almost one in the afternoon. I’m glad to know you’re alive.” Nesta rattled off, exasperated. “Azriel wasn’t answering his phone either.” 

“I’m alive. I’m with him. I’ll be home soon.” Elain’s words were short. She couldn’t keep the annoyance out of her voice at having their time so rudely interrupted. 

She knew the moment was over, that she’d need to go back to her sisters and explain herself. God knows they’d be anxiously waiting for answers now that she’d sobered up. But her disappointment faded because the way Azriel was watching her with bright, happy eyes and lips swollen from kissing her more than made up for it. 

She half listened to whatever Nesta was saying, too focused on the man in front of her - his dark, messy hair. His broad shoulders and strong arms. His calloused hands. All those tattoos that snaked up his arms and over his chest - old, familiar ones and a few new pieces that she longed to learn about. His enviably long eyelashes. Those kind emerald flecked eyes.

This was Azriel. Her Azriel. Her best friend. 

How could she have ever thought this was anything but exactly right?

[crocswithoutsocks]

What do cogs eat in Toontown: Corporate Clash?

I'm doing research for a fic and have been scrounging the wiki for this information so I thought I'd compile my findings as a nice organised tumblr post in case anyone else needs access to this very specific part of the lore. There's actually a lot more than I thought there would be! If I've missed anything, feel free to add! The definitive list will be way at the bottom of the post if you just want the cold hard facts.

Section A - Foodstuffs that have a lot of evidence pointing towards their consumption by cogs.

Oil - Massive evidence for this in both Derrick Man and the CEO battle. Heals suits in Derrek Man, and seems to be their preferred food given its literally the only thing being served at the banquet? Maybe more of a beverage than a food? Still makes the list either way. Different varieties of oil are also mentioned, including carbonated/seltzer oil (from the Director's Cuts ARG andHigh Roller's trivia questions) and crude oil (discussed further below).

Cogfee (Coffee) - Cogfee is mentioned all the time. There's promotional art of Chip promoting cogfee, and his secretary also requests a new cogfee machine in the April Toons ARG. Cathal and Brian have also both delivered/refused to deliver cogfee to Allan, respectively. The Toxic Manager also gives the Insider a cup of Cogfee in the Director's cuts ARG, and there's probably even more examples of cogs drinking cogfee that I haven't included here. It's also worth a mention that Jennifer's favourite drink is a soyl mechiatto, which I would have assumed to be the cog equivalent of a machiatto with soya milk, but the fact that High Roller's trivia question on the subject makes a distinction between soyl mechiatto and cogfee mechiatto makes me doubt that the soyl one contains cogfee at all. Alas, I don't know enough about actual coffee to be able to tell you if you can even make a machiatto without coffee.

Cookies - Most of the evidence for this comes either directly or indirectly from Belle. Evidence for suits eating cookies comes from Belle's interview notes, the 1.3 blog post, the comic with Flint and Belle baking, and the C.O.O's 2023 dialogue. These also provide other things suits can eat in the form of cookie flavours: charcoal, ginger tar and crude morsels. I don't know if ginger tar is ginger flavoured tar or a variety of tar called "ginger tar", so that's up for interpretation. As far as I can tell, all three seem to function as a chocolate chip substitute, but could also possibly be replacing things like fruit or nuts in the cookies. The only non-Belle-related cookie evidence comes from the Director's Cuts ARG, where the Middleman gives the Insider a plate of crude oil cookies. I assume the crude oil used in these is a different thing than the crude morsels in the C.O.O's cookies, and I can't really identify what crude oil is supposed to be a subsitute for food-wise since it appears multiple times in different contexts.

Sandwiches and assorted ingredients - Cathal eats a sandwitch halfway through his battle, and you can't really get evidence more definitive than that. The wiki says it's specifically ham and cheese, and looking at his renders I can see that probably. In the 1.3 key art, he's got a different sandwich that looks like lettuce and tomato, so from Cathal alone, bread, ham, cheese, lettuce and tomato can be added to the list of things suits eat.

Ketchup - This is really a subsection of the last category given tomatoes have already been confirmed, but Count Erclaim steals 'Chup from Rocky on multiple occasions (notably the 'Halloween Hater comic') and Cathal also has two bottles of it in his office. There are also a concerningly high number of ketchup bottles inthe Mozzerella Styx freezer. So... Ketchup. Interestingly enough, the ad for Mozzerella Styx on High Roller's website lists 'Chup as a drink, so maybe its a suit beverage? Sure, why not.

Water - The existence of the water cooler attack implies that cogs can and do drink water, and it's also listed as an available drink three times on Mozzerella Styx's menu, as 'water', 'dihydrogen monoxide' and 'corporate water supply'. They also drink sparkling water/seltzer/carbonated water, whatever you want to call it, since Jennifer asks where she's supposed to keep her sparkling water after Spruce takes a bite out of her desk, and seltzer is one of the available options in the Mozzerella Styx drinks machine.

Cereal - Dave buys 500 boxes of cereal in the April Toons ARG. The picture identifies the cereal as 'Oil-o-Flakes', but the description says they're 'corn flakes', soooo... corn confirmed? Maybe?

Pizza - You'd think this one would be easy, given the fact that literally the only cog owned restaurant is a pizzeria, but the fact that Mozzerella Styx is a front kind of raises the question of whether they actually serve food there. Either way though, Count Erclaim orders a "none pizza with left beef" in one of his monologues, and even if his pizza is a meme it's still a pizza, and Erclaim is still a cog that's probably going to eat it. Oh. Also beef then, I guess.

The sustenance page on the gopher version of cogs.ink gets a special mention because I forgot about it completely and then felt like I'd struck gold when I stumbled back upon it. Things mentioned on this page that aren't already on the list include:

Coal, petrol-marinated beet and diamond dust inside a sandwich called the 'Money Christo'.

Sides include crispy steel bits, extra crude oil and gas-infused triple-fried coal.

Coal again, Turpentine Ansoff Jelly and Oxalic Acid patties, all of which are considered breakfast (or, deskfast, as the page says) foods.

Carbon carbonara, made with only the finest eggs and crude oil (but what ingredient can be used in cookies and also in carbonara?).

Canned bread (WHY IS IT IN A CAN?) and kerosene dip.

Compressed fish

Strawberry Daigou, which is a dessert according to the description, and also contains the allergen 'red'. I didn't know suits could be allergic to anything until now.

SODIMM SOda

Section B - Things that I'm not certain on but I thought were still worth a mention.

Pie - Allan asks if the pies the toons are throwing at him "are imported blueberry", which implies that he's eaten both imported and non-imported blueberry pies before, to be able to tell the difference. Either that or he's been hit in the face so many times with both that he's now able to tell the difference, and he doesn't actually eat them. He can tell its blueberry though, which does suggest he's had those before and knows what they taste like. Given strawberries are already confirmed, its probably safe to say that cogs eat blueberries too.

Wood - Spruce, basically. He takes a bite out of Jennifer's table during his interview, says he's got at chomping trees in his personal statement and he's always got that log in his mouth. It's never really stated whether he actually eats the trees or just bites them, though. Also, eating trees feels very much like a Spruce thing, and not something any other suits would do. Like, they probably can eat wood, but would they want to?

Coins - Its mentioned in the cog building music backstage blog post that Dave ate 20,000 Cogbucks worth of quaters in the Cashbot mints. I'm confident this is a Dave exclusive thing and that no other cog would ever do this. I think.

Section C - Things that depend entirely on the validity of Mozzerella Styx as an actual cog restaurant.

Mozzerella Styx seems like it would be a veritable gold mine of information on cog food, but that actually depends on who Mozzerella Styx's target audience actually is. Mozzerella Styx's target audience is important because if they're trying to appear as a reputable toon resturaunt, then there's no gaurentee that cogs would even eat the things on their menu, as they would be toon foods rather than cog foods. The menu is weird though, since it definetly includes things that toons would never eat, like oil, which implies either that suits are intended to eat there or that whoever wrote the menu didn't know that toons can't drink oil. The menu does seem to be geared towards toons in some way, though, given the two 'toon drink here' options in the drinks section. Who are your target market, Mozzerella Styx??? And that's not even getting into if they even sell food there. The short with the two toons ordering a pizza implies that you can definetly order there, but the outcome of that short (the toons never getting any pizza) combined with the menu says 'pay upfront', 'product not gaurenteed' and 'no refunds' makes me incredibly doubtful that anyone has ever managed to successfully eat food from Mozzerella Styx (the fact that the toons are going here also suggests its a "toon" resturaunt. Or maybe they're just chill with going to a cog owned resturaunt? They definetly at least heard Styx over the phone). HOWEVER! The fact that the 1.4.0 patch notes say they're generating more money through pizza sales, combined with the (presumably paid for) ad on High Roller's website and the fact that they have actual pizza ingredients in the freezer makes me think that maybe they are actually running a resturaunt with real food on the side of all the money laundering? Perhaps? Either way, this big long ramble has acheived nothing, and I've got no idea if these foodstuffs are any more valid than I did at the start of it. Well then. If we're assuming that cogs do eat at Mozzerella Styx, for the sake of having more data, then everything on the menu can be added to the list. This includes:

Pineapple - The head huntin' hawaiian pizza, despite the pizza pictured under it not containing any pineapple, does make another appearance on a poster where pineapple is visible. There's no sauce, though. Why is there no sauce on this pizza. (Also, I'm going to remove pineapple from the 'Mozzerella Styx Clause', since Jennifer says in Buck's interview notes that he smells like pineapple, meaning she's eaten or at least smelled it before. Therefore, it's probably a valid suit food).

Nuts and bolts - The same poster with the hawaiian pizza also suggests you add [photo of nuts and bolts]. They aren't mentioned by name, but they sure are there!

New Year Cabbage

Salad - No idea what this salad contains, so I suppose every vegetable and other thing that could possibly be in a salad is up for debate. If you wanted to make it out of already confirmed salad stuff, it would probably be lettuce, tomato and beetroot.

Mushrooms - The picture of the aledgedly hawaiian pizza appears to have mushrooms on it, and mushroom pizza is also an option.

Broccoli - The alleged hawaiian pizza also has what I think is broccolli on it, and I really like broccoli so I'm adding it to the list.

Bread-sticks

Junior Executive Juice - I hope this is juice made for junior executives and not juice made out of junior executives

Ice cream cone - Not specified whether this is an ice cream cone as in 'its ice cream in a cone' or 'it's an ice cream cone with no ice cream'. I'll assume there's ice cream involved because it seems cruel to deprive these robots of ice cream.

Waffle cone

Traffic cone - I mean... it's on the menu?

Onions

Pine - Pine needles? Pine trees? Pineapples? We will never know

Jellybeans - I find it funny that these guys are just casually eating the toons' money. Maybe there's a difference between currency jellybeans and jellybeans for eating, but its still funny.

Soda Cold-a - The drink machine by the front counter actually provides a lot of new drinks that I'm specifically exempting from the 'Mozzerella Styx Clause' due to the fact that a) Toons definetly cannot drink half of this stuff and b) this drink machine for sure exists and probably does dispense all of these things. Available beverages not yet counted include antifreeze, diet oil, coolant, Cold-a and gas (which completes the C.O.G.S trifecta! Horray, suits can officially eat everything that C.O.G.S inc produces!)

Slushies - The slushie machine behind the counter appears to dispense slushy in flavours DRINK, Zap and BLUE. There are no cups present near this machine, only cones, which implies it could be a snow cone machine, but the ad on High Roller's website shows a cup with a straw labelled 'BLUE', so either they're drinking snow cone syrup or its a slushie machine.

Snow cones

Salt and pepper - There are salt and pepper shakers on all of the tables. Horray for seasonings! Why you would put those on a pizza I have no idea.

The List

Okay, I've probably missed something but here's my definitive list, colour coded, alphabetized and sorted for your convenience. Items in black are pretty much 100% confirmed, items in blue are speculative with not much evidence and items in green depend entirely on Mozzerella Styx's validity as a cog resturant.

Human safe foods:

Beef, Beetroot, Blueberries, Bread, Bread-sticks, Broccoli, Cabbage, Carbonara, Cereal, Cheese, Cookies, Corn, Eggs, Fish, Ginger(?), Ham, Ice cream, Jellybeans, Lettuce, Mushrooms, Onions, Pepper (the seasoning not the vegetable), Pie, Pineapple, Pizza, Salad, Salt, Sandwiches, Snow cones, Strawberries, Tomatoes (and derivitives ketchup and tomato sauce), Waffle cones.

Things humans should definetly not be eating:

Charcoal, Coal, Coins, Crispy steel bits, Crude morsels, Crude Oil, Diamond dust, Extra Crude Oil, Gas-infused triple-fried coal, Ginger tar, Kerosene, Nuts and bolts, Oxalic Acid Patties, Petrol, Pine, Traffic cones, Turpentine Ansoff Jelly, Wood.

Beverages:

Antifreeze, Carbonated oil, Cogfee, Cold-a, Coolant, Diet Oil, Gas, Juice, Ketchup(?), Oil, Slushies, SODIMM SOda, Soyl, Sparkling water/Seltzer, Water.

Unidentified:

red

All of these things can probably be broken down into their core ingredients, too, which would really expand the variety of foodstuffs on offer. Basically, cog food seems to be pretty similar to human food, just with a lot more metal and machine-stuff.

[writing-for-life]

A Collection of My Metas, Fics and Art that Feature the Women of The Sandman

I love the women of the Sandman. I write about them quite frequently, post art about them, write my fics from a female viewpoint (I’m mainly an OC writer though, but I have one-shots and poetry about canon characters).

So since we’ve been talking about them a lot over the past few days, here are all their tags (they contain both official and fanart, and every meta that features them enough for me to tag them), and all my metas, fics and poetry in which they are the main protagonist/character or at least strong focus.

I have posted art for literally all of the women in the Sandman and also written about most of them in one way or another, and you can find the few that are missing via my tags, but it just didn’t feel right to include all of them here. I think it’s normal and fair that we gravitate more towards some characters than others for personal reasons. It’s just the complete erasure of women that often gets to me.

I want to do more, but like every writer and curator, the disinterest in the women of the Sandman is often a bit discouraging. I haven’t given up hope we can change that…

Here they are, in alphabetical order:

Alianora

Dreams of Light (poem)

Alianora’s tag

Barbie

The Portrayal of Womanhood in “A Game of You”

Barbie’s tag

Calliope

Mother (haiku)

Calliope and Dream

Calliope’s tag

Carla

Carla’s tag

Chantal

Chantal’s tag

Death

Death’s Wedjat Eye: Deeper Symbolism or Random?

Touching Death or: Why Dream is Not Simply Touch-Starved in The Sound of Her Wings (Addendum to someone else’s post)

Oblivion is not an option—A musical meta about “A kind word and a friendly face”

All the Endless are buckling under the weight of their functions (David Hitchcock art meta)

Comfort (haiku)

Ode to Death (poem)

Requiem (poem)

Sigil (haiku)

Wings (haiku)

Death’s tag

Delirium/Delight

A sacred garden: Death and Delight (Michael Zulli art meta)

Delirium’s tag

Despair

Despair’s tag

Ethel

Ethel’s tag

Eve

Eve’s tag

The Fates

The Fates’ tag

Foxglove (Donna)

The Portrayal of Womanhood in “A Game of You”

Donna’s tag

Gault

Gault’s tag

Gwen

Gwen’s tag

Hazel

The Portrayal of Womanhood in “A Game of You”

Hazel’s tag

Hope

The Sandman Overture and Exiles: Omnia Mutantur, Nihil Interit—Everything Changes, Nothing Is Truly Lost (Not Even Hope)

Only Hope calls you out like that

Hope’s tag

Ishtar

Ishtar’s tag

Johanna

Thessaly, Johanna and a weird meta about musical motifs

As it was before the otherness came (short fic, Johanna x Rachel)

Johanna’s tag

Killalla

Killalla’s tag

Lucienne

If it is implied Lucien is Adam, what does that make Lucienne?

Lucienne’s tag

Lyta

Aftermath (poem)

Mother (haiku)

Lyta’s tag

Mazikeen

Mazikeen’s tag

Nada

Tales in the Sand—Did we find the women’s story?

Nada’s tag

Night

Night’s tag

Nuala

Nuala’s tag

Rachel

As it was before the otherness came (short fic, Johanna x Rachel)

Rachel’s tag

Rose

Rose’s tag

Rosemary

Rosemary‘s tag

Ruby

Ruby’s tag

Thessaly

Thessaly in the context of second and third wave feminism

Thessaly’s tag

Titania

Titania’s tag

Unity

Unity’s tag

Wanda

The Portrayal of Womanhood in “A Game of You”

Wanda’s tag

Zelda

Zelda’s tag

[hhhhunty]

been thinking nonstop about the asl brothers and would love to hear you yap about them

Ouhhh the ASL bros.... apologies in advance for how Luffy-heavy this is.

They are very important to me... Luffy's my favorite character and so of course I am made weak by his brothers. They're so incredibly tragic that it pains me to think about them. Did you ever think about the fact that Sabo and Luffy are the two who know each other the least? Sabo and Ace had at least three years before Sabo disappeared, and Ace and Luffy had seven years together before Ace set out, but Luffy and Sabo only knew each other through Ace for less than a year, twelve years ago. They're probably weird without the context of Ace in between them.

This of course isn't to say their bond isn't strong or they don't love each other as much, but being near each other must cause such an ache for their third brother given they were never around each other without Ace there... kind of like when Sabo "died" and Luffy and Ace kept talking to him anyways before getting embarrassed and upset as soon as they remembered Sabo's not here anymore.

Urghh I also think the beginning of Luffy's relationship with Ace is the blueprint for Luffy trying to befriend anyone, and probably the proof to him (though he already knew it) that he could get anyone in his corner if he was just persistent. This is an attitude he keeps throughout all his adventures and everyone he meets, from his "I refuse your refusal!" to Sanji to his consistent pestering of Law...

Ace is just a whole mess of his own... he changed so drastically and even learned manners for Luffy in order to thank Shanks for saving him (something something changing for the better because of someone you love). This completely changed his interactions with others, I think. I love whenever there are nods in comics or fics to Ace being remembered by Luffy's crew as this polite guy, and when Sabo hears of this he's just hopelessly confused and probably a little sad, too, that he missed such a change in his brother and never had the chance to meet him like that.

Back to Luffy though because I'm insane... Ace is such a good meter for Luffy's growth... I recently saw someone commenting on the way that Luffy speaks of Ace throughout post timeskip, from feeling so guilty meeting Sabo at Dressrosa to smiling when Marco told him Ace would be proud of him in Wano... I think a lot of that came from seeing Sabo, and knowing he had another brother alive. I think to Luffy, Sabo is the authority on Ace to some extent. That Sabo was simply happy Luffy was alive and wasn't upset at him for failing Ace was big for Luffy and he kind of took that to heart - it helped him really believe it... maybe that in a way caused him to be able to talk freely about Ace by the time he reached Wano...

Ughh this is all so disjointed and jumbled and I may think of more later but this has been my yapping for now.

here is a doodle :)

[kyliafanfiction]

I saw a bit in a Taylor/Amy fic (the latest chapter of Desperate Times Call for Desperate Pleasures) where Amy compared Taylor to a Necromancer Princess (it fits in Context) and that immediately made me think of a Fantasy AU of Worm. No shards/powers, or at least not in the Worm way, but playing with the characters.

And of course that has me thinking about who everyone would be in such a story idea:

Taylor - necromancer, obviously, given the inspiration. Maybe not a princess, but of some high birth. Danny Hebert is still his canon personality, but as a necromancer. Probably a distant father since the death of Annette. Maybe he's consumed with trying to find ways to restore her to full life or something. Doesn't control bugs, maybe? Or maybe she controls swarms of dead insects in addition to or instead of the usual skeletons and zombies? I'd lean to no bugs, just skeletons and zombies, but YMMV. Keeping her bullied/etc experience may be harder, but if Emma is also a noblewoman, perhaps of higher status (maybe Taylor's low nobility? Or not at all?)

Amy - she's a cleric of some healing-related goddess, presumably? The rest of her family are probably all Knights and Paladins of some sort. Her birth father could be some sort of Bandit King type guy who played up a 'honorable highwayman' schtick (and may actually have been a noble as well as a bandit) akin to the 'code' and 'better than the other villains' thing he had going in canon. Her guilt over not healing all the time probably wouldn't be a thing because there'd be too many other healers, but you could still play with the idea, and she'd still have that separation from her family because she's not a warrior.

Tattletale - no magic, just really smart. Probably a 'Rogue', if we were applying classes to it.

Rachel - Ranger, obviously. Has a wolf animal companion, maybe actually gainfully employed as one of the Royal Huntsmen or someone who prevents poaching on a King's Forest type place. or maybe she's a poacher herself. Probably the latter, but the former could be done well, IMO. Either way, definitely still pretty feral from not spending a lot of time around most people.

Brian - maybe some kind of Paladin of darkness type thing. He could be sworn to Taylor's father as her bodyguard (and Taylor still has her canonical attraction to him).

Alec - I'm honestly not sure. If I were wedging it into D&D classes, some form of Bard, but I wouldn't necessarily want to be bound specifically to classes. Still, he could either have magic specially around manipulation and controlling of the body, or maybe he's like, half-demon, or quarter-demon (and Heartbreaker is either a demon or half-demon) and that's the source of his power. I lean towards the latter.

Aisha - Illusionist? Uses her magic for lots of pranks and stuff, and gets really good at making herself invisible, etc.

New Wave - as I noted, the rest of New Wave would probably be knights/paladins of some sort. Maybe Vicky, Sarah, Crystal and Eric ride griffons or some other flying beast? Vicky on a Pegasus sounds really fitting. Also probably a noble family, but definitely recently ennobled or low nobility, to play into the privileged WASP upper middle class vibe New Wave has in Worm

Lung - could be an actual Dragon, could be a guy who shapeshifts into one, maybe a half-dragon (playing on his half-chinese/half-japanese canon backstory and how he was an outsider in Japan as a result). Warlord or roaming bandit type guy, probably. Oni Lee would be a teleporting assassin who works for him, and Bakuda as an alchemist making explosive compounds and such is there.

Armsmaster - a master Smith and warrior. Already has a Halberd. maybe he does enchanted runes into his weapons or something to make them sharper

Miss Militia - either she's a super skilled archer of some sort, or maybe a magic who specializes in big, flashy attack spells (fireball, etc)

Dragon - Secretly a construct (or disembodied animating spirit?) of some kind that has free will and sentience, but pretends just to be a construct-crafting mage? Might not be able to keep using that name if Dragons are a thing in-setting. Depends.

Kaiser - probably a normal noble in his public face (Max, of the House of Anders), known for his charity towards the poor (only the humans, of course), but secretly the leader of a racist militia-type group that persecutes nonhumans in the Kingdom? Or specific groups of humans. Or both. Probably doesn't have magical powers, but does have some cool enchanted gear he paid a fortune for, and hides just how good he is with a sword, except in his secret persona?

Hookwolf - actual werewolf? Still works for Anders, presumably.

None of these thoughts are necessarily final, really, and I have a few more, but nothing quite formed yet.

Obviously, more might need to worked out, including plot and the particulars of the setting (is Brockton the whole Kingdom? Is Brockton Bay one city? A major focus? Maybe Brockton Bay is a larger region, and some of the various parts of the Bay are distinct cities and towns in the Bay area. I have a setting that involves both Paladins and Necromancers in prominent roles that I might repurpose if I was going to write this... which I still might, but not yet).

Other characters could play all sorts of roles, would have to think more on their equivalent versions. Can't just make everyone some flavor of wizard/warlock/witch/etc, and wouldn't want to be married to specific 'classes', but it's a solid starting point anyway.

What would you all envision 'Fantasy AU' versions of some of the characters? Do you think I'm way off the mark with some of them? Obviously 'Fantasy AU' covers a wide swath of possibilities, so there's a lot of variation. Still, curious as to people's ideas with it.

Obviously, if I wrote it, it would be Taylor/Amy in the long run, (I am nothing if not a predictable, hopeless shipper) maybe involving Taylor (and the AU's version of the Undersiders?) kidnapping Amy at some point, who knows.

[arvensimp]

Arven and the reader trying to take care of a baby pokemon, and arven starts imagining him, and the reader is like a family taking care of a baby.

I've said this a thousand times and I'll say it a thousand times more, I'm WEAK for baby fics.

I hope this kinda works for you? It's not exactly the request but I hope it's sufficiently fluffy.

-

Baby Mine

Arven x reader (no gendered pronouns are used to describe the reader), discovering a pokemon egg!!

--

"Hey, uh... Arven?"

"Yeah?" Arven calls back to you without looking up from where he's currently doting upon Mabosstiff.

"Uhm...." You heft up the pokemon egg that you just plucked from your picnic basket.

With no further context from you, Arven looks up from his pokemon, and his eyes go wide.

"Oh, what the hell." He says, sounding more exasperated than anything. "Where'd that come from?"

You sigh. "Some of our pokemon must've, uh..." You blush a bit. "Y'know..."

Arven stands and puts his hands on his hips. "Shit, uh..." He clears his throat softly. "Is there any way to tell, er... Who the parents are? This has never happened with just my team on its own."

You gently prop the egg on your waist and take a seat on a stump. "Same with me. Give me a minute. I'm not overly familiar with breeding tactics. Lemme see which of our pokemon might be..." You wince a bit. "Compatible?"

One Bulbapedia search later, and Arven is staring down Mabosstiff.

"C'mon, bud! Really?!" He says. "That's hardly polite behavior. We owe a lot to those two, ya know? Is that any way to thank either of them?"

Mabosstiff only gives him a cheeky sneer and a loud boof.

Meanwhile, you're down on your Dachsbun's level. "Girl! This is trainerless behavior and not becoming of a Paldean champion! C'mon! At least make him buy you dinner first!" Your tone is entirely lighthearted, and Dachsbun doesn't even look sorry. There isn't a thought behind her eyes.

Arven tries to stifle a snort. "For what it's worth, /I've/ given her plenty of dinners. Does that count?"

"Nope. Mabosstiff needs to step up. He's a father now."

"I can't believe you're not taking this more seriously." Arven says, attempting to grow more sincere.

You pick the egg back up from where you'd gently placed it down on the ground, and stroke the shell tenderly.

"I'm taking it seriously enough," You defend. "It's just...not worth being too upset over, I think..." A soft smile graces your features. "Accidents happen, and goodness knows we both know how to look after a pokemon, right? This should be fine? It's just a sweet little baby..."

You press your cheek to the egg and smile into it. "You'll be a great little friend!" You tell it.

Arven's heart lurches at the sight. He imagined how you'd look holding a little human baby instead, and it's nearly too much.

"C-Can I...?" He asks, holding out both of his hands tentatively.

"Sure!" You pass the egg off to him.

At the exchange, Mabosstiff and Dachsbun both approach just to keep an eye out.

Arven holds the thing like it's...well, like it's exactly as precious as it is. His eyes go a little glassy as he looks it over.

"H-Hi..." He says softly to the egg, rubbing little circles into the shell with his thumbs. "Uh... I'm Arven..."

You snicker softly.

"You're gonna be a grandpa!"

Arven rolls his eyes. "Yeah, well what does that make you, genius?"

"A loving and doting trainer and grandtrainer."

"Mhmm." Arven humors you, then goes to sit, delicately holding the egg in his lap.

"I guess we need to figure out...uh...custody?"

You laugh lightly and scooch closer, so you can keep a hand on the egg while it's still within his grasp. Arven blushes, but you miss it.

"I mean...we can just stick close by?" Dachsbun crawls up beneath your hand and barks. "I imagine these two will want to be around no matter what." You nod to both pokemon. "I don't really have anything major going on. You?"

Arven shrugs. "Not really..."

So you stay close by. Rather than continue traveling terribly far though, the two of you decide to make your way back to the Poco Path Lighthouse. You and Arven swap holding the egg the whole way there.

It gives Arven butterflies watching you carry the thing, so gentle and sweet. You talk to it like it's already a fully hatched pokemon and can talk back, and it's just so endearing it makes his stomach tie in knots.

At one point on the walk back, you gasp loudly.

"Arven!" You cry.

"What?!" He jolts, quickly turning back to you, fully expecting the worst.

"Look, look, look! Come feel!" You hold the egg out to him with a grin, and Arven gingerly takes it.

He's silent for one...two...three long moments before the egg jostles in his hands.

"O-oh my god," He chokes out, smiling wide. "You're getting strong in there, huh, buddy?"

You laugh. "It's gonna be a strong little one, that's for sure!"

Arven holds the egg tightly from there for the rest of the trip back.

You let Mabosstiff and Dachsbun out of their balls once you're inside the lighthouse. Mabosstiff immediately runs over to an old pokemon bed and starts boofing.

Dachsbun follows over and steps into the bed, circling it several times before making a little donut shape and barking.

Arven places the egg with her, and she curls up around it, then Mabosstiff curls up around her.

"Aww..." You kinda wanna cry at the sight of it. "Do you have any blankets for them?" You ask, leaning against Arven. Without thinking, he leans back into you just a bit.

"I'll see what I can find."

Arven leaves for just a moment, and you squat down to pat the dogs' heads. "You guys are gonna do such a good job, huh? You're gonna be a mommy and daddy!"

You continue spouting sweet nothings at them, and Arven just watches from the doorway, smiling at the scene for a minute before he kneels next to you, offering some little blankets and towels to the pair.

"You guys wanna build a nest?"

Mabosstiff boofs and takes the blankets in his mouth then slowly moves to start nuzzling blankets around Dachsbun and the egg.

You and Arven stand.

"Guess we'll just...leave them to it..?"

"Uh, yeah. I guess so. I can make us some food in the mean time?" Arven tells you.

"Sounds good! Hehe, you'll be a great grandtrainer, ya know?" You tell him with a cheeky grin and a friendly pat on his upper arm.

Arven blushes. "Uh...yeah. Y-you too..."

[in-my-feels-probably]

Hii!

Can I request an Aemond Targaryen x Reader fic where reader is from some other noble house(preferably a dark haired one, but anything is fine) and catches his eye? Like he thinks she is really pretty and attractive and Aegon kinda doesn't notice his brother's interest and flirts with her, and being a social butterfly, she flirts back, though it doesn't mean anything.

Aemond feels insecure but then he observes her and notices she is like that with everyone so he carefully approaches her, leaving her stunned, because she has never met someone that beautiful? He takes it in the wrong way, but then she shyly assures him that it is not what he thinks and tells him the truth?

lots of comfort for my war criminal poor little meow meow?

thank you!

(Sorry I am being to specific, feel free to modify the idea as you wish)

A Wolf Amongst Dragons

Hi! So this is my first time writing for Aemond, I hope it’s ok. I think I did maybe a little bit off the request you asked for, so if you want me to change things, or write a new request for you, I’m happy to do so. I think I could’ve upped the comfort and Aemond’s point of view of things.

Sorry, it’s a bit long, especially at the beginning, but I felt like it was important to add for clarity. Just for some context, I made it a Stark reader, the sister of Cregan Stark, to kinda help with the plot. The Starks, at least before Ned, weren’t as noble I’d say, so I’m kinda framing the reader as on the good side, but still with a bit of cunningness and antihero energy, which I think fits for Aemond, he’s also kinda in that in between area. 

I’m mentioning characters from the book, and then also ones briefly mentioned in the last episode of HOTD. You don’t need to know anything from the books, I’m just bullshitting all of this for this fic, so sorry if anything doesn’t make sense. I’m not basing this off any particular plotpoint, but it's based around the time Aegon is crowned King, and Rhaenyra is looking to the other Lords for support. Anyways, I hope you like it, let me know what you think!

(Warnings: swearing, insecurities, mentions of war, aegon being creepy, let me know if i missed anything)

—

You walked alongside with your brother, Cregan, speaking in hushed whispers as you navigated the halls. It was late into the night, and the castle slept soundly. He had barely given you any time to get dressed before he sent a collection of handmaidens into your room, who swiftly packed up your necessities and brought them to a carriage. In your confusion, you went to find him, only to be dragged by the wrist out into the cold, headed for the stables.

Cregan explained to you that the Maester brought him news of Lucerys Targaryen, who had been killed the evening before, seemingly by Vhagar, the younger Prince’s dragon. Lord Baratheon had immediately sent the news to their allies, still remaining neutral for the time being.

House Targaryen was now at war, dividing the kingdom. House Stark, never one to break an oath, was to receive Jacaerys Targaryen, Queen Rhaenyra Targaryen’s first born son and heir. Winterfell was to play a key role in the following weeks, and Cregan had decided you were to leave, and head for King’s Landing. He had already sent a raven, alerting King Aegon of your impending arrival. He gave you no time to explain himself, tugging you along.

“Brother, I don’t understand! Why are you sending me away?”

Cregan didn’t slow his pace. “Because! Father would roll in his grave if he thought one of my first acts as Lord of Winterfell was to keep you directly in the path of harm's way.”

You caught his wrist, planting your feet and stopping his advance. Cregan turned to you, eyes sharp as he met yours. You, after all being your Father’s daughter, didn’t shrink under the pressure. Instead, you stood tall, demanding an answer.

“Explain, right now, or I am turning back. You can’t send me to the capital! The very people you’re saying killed Lucerys are there. You’ve heard the whispers about Aegon’s pervasive pleasures. Do you really think that usurper of a King would gladly welcome a member of a house pledged to the rightful Queen?”

“They don’t know our position–”

“Spare me, brother,” you interrupted. “I know you’re backing Rhaenyra, the whole realm knows it. Have you ever known a Stark to break an oath? We’re too noble to do the wrong thing. Gods only know why we’ve all collectively decided to put the men in charge, who can’t cast away their precious pride and honor. You’d think living up here in the cold would’ve hardened your resolve more, made you learn to chip away at the moral high ground you’re so content to stand on.”

Cregan’s eyes narrowed, and he took a step forward, catching you off guard. He looked you straight in the eye, finally pulling his wrist from your grip. 

“I would never risk your safety, sister. Don’t mistake my unusual choices for foolishness. I’d break every oath I’ve ever made if it meant keeping you and our house safe.”

You kept walking towards the stable, seeing that your efforts to stay were most likely futile, and you might as well accept your fate with a semblance of grace. 

“Then explain it to me,” you scoffed. “What’s your big plan?”

You couldn’t see Cregan’s face, as you were walking ahead of him, but you could feel him roll his eyes. 

“How kind of you to finally shut your mouth and give me the floor, sister.”

You groaned, waiting for him to continue. He let out a chuckle, before catching up with you to meet your stride, now walking alongside you. He continued explaining. 

“You have the right idea. Why send you if they think we’ll back Rhaenyra as Queen? Because they don’t know that, not for sure. However, if we keep you here, and all of the heirs here, it will certainly seem like it. Aegon will–”

“You mean Hightower? You know this must be his doing,” you interrupted. 

“Yes, that may be so, but he’ll deliver Aegon’s terms either way. The King will be expecting all the houses to be making a decision soon. He knows Rhaenyra will have sent word out to all the Lord’s who swore oaths to back her during her coronation while King Viserys was alive. I guarantee those gutless southern Lord’s have already declared for the King, but the North won’t be so easy to gain. Lord Baratheon said they sent Prince Aemond to deliver terms, along with a marriage pact, should they choose to back the King. That is a desperate act. Bold, but desperate. I expect something for us will be coming along soon as well. We’re going to beat them to it.”

You nodded, slowly understanding. “And what does this have to do with me? What is my purpose in all of this?” 

“We will receive Jacaerys, just as the King expects we would. But we’re sending you as an envoy of our house, to receive their terms in person. As much as I hate to admit it, you are a much more likable person than I.”

You laughed. “Yes, although I suppose that it is partially credited to me being a woman. A pretty face is the least the Gods could do for us in a world like this. We might as well learn to use it to our advantage.”

“So you do have some intellect rolling around in that brain of yours, glad to see you’ve finally caught up.”

Cregan dodged your attacks, narrowly missing a slap to the face, chuckling as he watched you nearly trip over the hem of your skirts. “Don’t do that in front of the King.”

“Oh, piss off. Get on with it, it’s freezing out here.”

“As I was saying before I was so rudely attacked,” Cregan continued, ignoring your glares.

“You’ll charm the court. As long as you are a guest of the Crown, especially with Queen Alicent likely still largely in control, you will not be harmed. They may be usupers, but they haven’t stooped so low as to betray and kill allies. So here’s what you do. You are to play the fool, as if you hardly understand what’s at stake. Don’t actually make a fool of yourself, but try to act passive. Uninterested in the fickle politics of war. You won’t be perceived as a threat, on the contrary, actually. The Crown may actually believe that you’re easily manipulated, and a good way to get to me and my backing for the war effort. You will be out of harm's way from here, and you won’t be harmed there, since you’re of some use to them. Additionally, you may be of some use to me. If you are able to, without risking exposure, write to me about what you see and hear, anything that will be helpful. I trust you’ll be discreet in the matter. Do you think you can do all of that?”

You finally reached the carriage, all packed with your belongings, along with two horses, and a squire acting as a driver. It was the best your brother could muster in the few hours he had to come up with a halfway decent plan. 

You turned to Cregan, grinning. 

“I must say, brother, I am quite impressed. One would think you almost have the mind of a woman, coming up with a plan like that. You didn’t even need my help.”

He playfully shoved you, rolling his eyes. “Alright, alright, stop it. I may have taken a page or two from your book, and tried to think how I thought you would. Hate to admit it, but it actually was quite useful.” 

You grinned wider, pleased with his praise, and he groaned, before pulling you into his arms to shut you up. 

“We don’t have time for this, Y/N. This is serious. We cannot afford to mess this up. Please be careful, and please, for my own sanity, try your best to not get killed. Or worse, engaged.”

You let out a chuckle, but it was weak, you suddenly realizing the gravity of the situation. You wrapped your arms around your brother’s waist, giving him a tight squeeze. You swallowed your emotion as he held you for a moment, before letting you go and helping you up into the carriage. 

“I believe in you, sister. You can do this. I’m sorry it came down to it, but it's for the best. We’ll see each other again soon enough. I love you.”

You nodded, letting him close the carriage door. You stuck your head out the window, waving and calling out. “I love you! Please be careful. Don’t make me come back here and kick your ass for getting yourself in trouble. Be smart, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

You could hear his soft laughter, but the carriage had gone too far to warrant a response from him. He just nodded, blowing you a kiss, before turning around and heading back into the gates of Winterfell. 

You settled into your seat, biting back emotion. You willed yourself not to cry, determined to make this journey a success, not only for you, but for your brother, for your house, and for the realm. 

—

It was a grueling journey, not stopping more than a handful of times for provisions, and having the carriage run throughout the night, but you had made it from Winterfell to King’s Landing in just over a week. 

It took the better part of the first day to have an audience with the King. A guard that had been introduced to you as Ser Criston led you through the castle halls after you had settled in, bringing you to meet the King. He led you to the Great Hall, opening the doors and allowing you to step in first. 

“I present the Lady Y/N of House Stark, sister of Lord Cregan Stark, Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North. She is here on behalf of her house.”

You tried to keep your head held high, and your face stoic, while Ser Criston announced your arrival, but as you glanced around the room, you couldn’t fight the uneasiness settling in your stomach. 

The Iron Throne was empty. 

The King was nowhere to be found. Instead, to the left side of the throne, sat a woman in a green dress, who you could only assume to be Alicent Hightower, the Queen Mother. On the right side of the throne stood an older man, who you pieced together as Otto Hightower, father of Alicent, and Hand of the King. 

The rest of the Great Hall, except for a few Kingsguard, was empty. Neither the Prince or the King were in attendance, or the Princess who was now called Queen. Not that you expected to meet the entire family, especially on the first day, but you were told your audience was specifically to be with the King, which is what you spent the better part of a week alone in a carriage preparing for. The King’s Mother and Grandfather was not what you were expecting. 

“Come forth, Lady Y/N, don’t be shy. Ser Criston, assist her down the steps, if you will.”

Otto gave Ser Criston a command, and Ser Criston held out his arm for you, which you cautiously took. He guided you down the steps, all the way across the Throne Room, leaving you in front of the steps that led to the Iron Throne. 

You looked at the throne in wonder. You had heard stories of the chairs creation, how a thousand swords had been melted down and fashioned together to create a throne fit for a King. You had seen illustrations of it in books the Septa’s back home made you read as a child, but they paled in comparison to seeing them in person. 

“Would you like to take a closer look, My Lady? I see you’ve taken an interest in the throne,” an unfamiliar voice called out, dragging you from your thoughts. 

You turned to see the King himself, Aegon, entering the room from a back corridor. Your eyes widened as you took him in, and you suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to throw up. This was going to be harder than you anticipated.

“Your Grace,” you curtsied, trying to keep your composure. “It’s an honor. Thank you for agreeing to an audience with me on behalf of House Stark, it’s such a pleasure.”

You mentally cursed yourself for sucking up to such a pompous ass of a King, but as your brother said, you had to play the part. And if you were going to play the part, you were going to commit to the role. Your words seemed to be enough to charm him, making him smile as he approached you. 

“The pleasure is all mine, My Lady,” he said, pressing a kiss to the back of your hand. You internally groaned, but kept a fake smile plastered on your face. You registered two more people entering from the corridor, but you didn’t dare take your eyes off the King’s.

“You must tell me, how are you liking the city? I confess, I’ve never seen Winterfell myself. I’m not fit for the cold, I’m afraid.” 

“I’m enjoying myself, thank you for asking. I am especially enjoying not having to wear a winter coat. They’re dreadfully heavy.”

Aegon looked you up and down, grinning. “Yes, I doubt that coat is doing you any favors. I can say with the utmost confidence that I prefer you without it.”

You felt sick to your stomach under his gaze, but you managed a giggle, feigning over his words. “You flatter me, Your Grace. You’re too kind.”

“Such a lovely Lady as yourself deserves some flattery. You’re welcome here, My Lady. Enjoy your stay. I expect you to come to me specifically if you need anything. Anything, just ask, and if it is within my power, it’s yours. I can be quite persuasive when it comes to getting things I want.”

You heard a scoff off to the side of the room, and you spared a glance to see the younger Targaryen, Prince Aemond. 

You had heard tales of him and his appearance. A ghastly scar, an eyepatch fit for a pirate, with a personality that mimicked that of his dragon. You only glanced briefly, but from what you saw, the accounts of him were entirely wrong. He was quite handsome, at least from the distance and quick glance you viewed of him. 

Aegon ignored his brother's antics, giving you another warm smile, before excusing himself. Half the Kingsguard followed him out, the rest hanging back for the remaining family. The now Queen, Helaena, walked up to you, looking at you quizzically. 

“A wolf amongst dragons,” she murmured. “A seer and a watcher. The waltz of frosts and flames.”

She spared a glance at her brother, Aemond, before turning back to you. 

You smiled at her words, glad to be around an inquizical mind. You got the feeling that the Queen’s intelligence was dismissed as an oddity, underappreciated and neglected.

“Your Grace, it’s a pleasure. You’re as beautiful as the tales tell.”

The Queen’s cheeks flushed. “Please, call me Helaena. I do prefer it.”

“As you wish, Helaena,” you nodded. “But I must say, ‘Queen’ has a nice ring to it when it’s referring to you. I do hope you come to see that.”

You snuck a glance at Otto and Alicent, who seemed to be exchanging amused glances. Whether you had peaked their interest, or you actually managed to impress them, it didn’t matter. What mattered is that you’d successfully somewhat charmed them, which would work to your advantage for the following days when you'd try to report back to your brother. 

—

You spent the following days mostly around Helaena, who was surprisingly delightful to be around. Her storytelling abilities fascinated you. She often murmured variations of what she had first said in the throne room to you, about a wolf amongst dragons. It didn’t take much for you to figure out she was referring to your presence in the castle. What did strike you as odd was her wording of “the waltz of frosts and flames,” but you found that questioning her hardly ever resulted in a clear answer.

You also spent a lot of time with Alicent, who seemed to follow wherever her children went. More often than not, though, she was with Aegon, who you tried to avoid like the plague. You did your duty of making small talk, trying to keep his interest in you positive, but his advances on you were getting harder and harder to ignore. 

In truth, the only member of the family you rarely saw was Aemond. Although, that was not entirely true. You actually saw a good deal of each other in passing, but words were hardly exchanged, rather than stolen glances. You didn’t know what it was about him, but you couldn’t get yourself to look at him full on for long. It appeared he was the same, as he’d turn his head away from you often when you looked his way. 

You spent one evening with Helaena, going on a walk around the courtyard. She took you to meet her dragon, Dreamfyre. On the way back, you saw Aemond, soaring through the sky on the back of Vhagar, before finally landing. You watched him from a distance as he dismounted, heading into the castle. 

Helaena cleared her throat, bringing you out of your thoughts. “You look at my brother quite a lot, you know.”

You quickly turned to her. “What? Aemond?”

“I suppose it’s normal. He does the same to you.”

She spoke like it was the most nonchalant thing in the world, not even bothering to turn to you as she talked.

“I don’t understand,” you shook your head.

“I’ve hardly seen the two of you speak, but I see the two of you stare. The day you arrived, I came in with Aemond. You were speaking to Aegon, so I assume you didn’t notice us come in. Aemond looked at you differently than I’ve ever seen him look at someone. You’ve certainly captured his attention. It’s clear he thinks you're beautiful.” 

“Is he not betrothed?” You asked, seeming to recall your brother mentioning a marriage pact with Lord Baratheon. 

“Not to my knowledge. Mother is very particular about him. I suspect she would want to personally approve a match for him. My brother isn’t suited for the average Lady. Mother will want someone who knows how to be with him.”

Your brows furrowed. “So, what did you notice? The day I arrived, I mean. How does he look at me differently than any other woman?”

Helaena pondered the thought for a moment. “You’re a wolf amongst dragons. That may have already been enough for him, but it’s not all. He’s a watcher. He prefers the corner of a room, rather than being the center of attention, unlike my husband. He watches people, like he’s analyzing them.” 

You nodded, slowly understanding. “What does that have to do with me?”

“You do the same. You’re a seer. You see people for who they are, not for who they want you to see. I know you saw through Aegon’s words the day you arrived. You see him for what he is. And I think you see Aemond for what he is. I think his fascination is in your ability to do that.”

“Truthfully, I don’t think I see the Prince for what he is. I haven’t been close to him for long enough to really know.”

Helaena offered a small smile, turning to head back for the castle. “I think you’ll see the waltz begin soon, Y/N. It’s already started for him.”

—

Helaena was right. You saw more and more of the Prince, seeming to collide paths with him frequently, if only for a fleeting moment. You found yourself stuck on him, and your thoughts often drifted to him. It puzzled you, what his fascination with you was, and you wondered what he was thinking about when he saw you. He was one of the few men you couldn’t immediately get an accurate reading on, and it troubled you. 

You began finding reasons to cross paths with Aemond, just so you’d have a few extra seconds to try and figure him out. You still rarely spoke to each other, only in passing, or in group settings with other members of the family. 

It was becoming a tedious process, for the both of you, although you were unaware of his own ambitions towards you. One of you was going to cave and approach the other, it was bound to happen. It turned out to be Aemond who pushed the boundary. 

One evening, after dinner, you took a walk to the courtyard. You sat, watching the stars, when you heard a voice you knew all too well. 

“Looking at the stars, My Lady?”

You quickly turned around, shocked to see that he actually approached you. You cleared your throat, nodding. 

“Yes. Are you familiar with any, My Prince?”

He nodded, moving to stand beside where you were sitting. 

“I’ve studied them quite a lot, actually. May I?”

You nodded, scooting over to make room, and he took his place beside you. You were tense, not used to being that close to him. He pointed up into the night sky at a cluster of stars. 

“That’s the constellation Aquila. It’s an eagle. See the V shape? That’s the head. Where it expands and the line of stars that goes down is its wings.”

You nodded, but you weren’t even looking at the sky. You were taking it as your chance to get a good look at him, for what felt like the first time. 

His features were sharp, those of a royal. His cheekbones were prominent, and he had a strong jaw. Despite the hardness of his face, he still had a soft elegance to him. His hair was shining under the moonlight, almost reflecting silver. The scar covering his eye was now a faded white line, with the faintest hints of pink in the cracks of it. It was one thing to possess one or two of those traits, as the Targaryens often did. But his features were striking, each complimenting the next. 

In this light under the stars, he was nearly ethereal.

He must’ve felt your gaze on him, because he turned to meet your eyes, catching you staring. 

“My Lady?”

You quickly shook your head, clearing your throat. “I’m so sorry, that was rude of me. I got distracted.” 

He looks unsure of himself, cocking his head to the side. “By what?”

“I don’t know,” you shrugged, unsure of what to say. “You? I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone like you before. Not very many people look like you.”

He turns his head at your words, like he’s trying to shield his face from your view. His shoulders slump, and he looks down at his lap, and you know you’ve said something wrong. 

“It’s the scar,” he finally says. “Isn’t it? The Gods must’ve found it amusing, adding it to the collection of some rather unappealing features. It’s not pretty, I know. Believe me, I know.”

Your breath hitched, and you're unsure of how he could’ve twisted your words into knots so tight. You wondered what kind of torment he could have possibly endured to consider the scar a punishment from the Gods, as if the rest of him wasn’t already punishment enough.

“You’ve misunderstood me, My Prince, that isn’t what I meant at all–”

“Savor your words,” he interrupts. “I don’t need you to spare my feelings.”

He stands up brushing himself off. “Goodnight, My Lady.”

“Wait,” you start, trying to get up before he dashes off somewhere. You can see him, looking for the best escape route, like a cornered animal. You’re muttering apologies, and he’s brushing them off, trying to find a way to leave you. He turns to go.

“Wait!” You catch his wrist, and you can feel his body go rigid. But he stops in his tracks, slowly turning back around. His full attention is on you, and you're afraid you’ll crumble under the pressure of trying to find the right words to say. 

“Please sit back down,” you ask, pleading with him. He looks unsure, like he’s seconds from saying no.

“Please, Aemond.”

That’s enough to get his resolve to soften, and he finally relents. He lets you lead him back over to the spot where you were sitting. You take a seat, and look up at him expectantly, until he finally relents. He takes his place beside you, quiet. 

“You misunderstood me, Aemond. I meant no offense, and I’m sorry if it came off that way.”

He’s quiet, not meeting your eyes, seemingly very interested in his lap. He doesn’t stop you, though, and you take it as your cue to proceed.

“You know, sometimes I find it hard to look at you.”

You can see the slightest hint of a flinch at your words, and you’re quick to recover.

“I find it hard, because when I look at you, I’m quite literally rendered speechless, and that’s a rare occurrence for me. You just…you have such striking features.”

You watch him as you speak, and it's almost as if you can see the gears turning in his head. 

“I know it comes with being a Targaryen. The silver hair, the sharp features, you all look like royalty without even trying. But you…you’re more. You’ve got this etherality about you, and I can’t quite place why that is.”

You’re scanning his face now, looking at all the little nooks and crannies that you’ve somehow just now noticed. 

“And your scar, it's a part of you. There’s no shame in it, Aemond. It’s proof you fought a battle, and won. Wear it with pride. I don’t know what people have said to you about it, or what you’ve been told over the years, but they’re wrong. Every single one of them. They’re wrong.”

You almost don’t do it, but you can’t stop yourself, reaching a hand up slowly to cup his cheek. He’s still, it being his turn to watch your face now. He’s scanning for disgust, or pity, or any other emotion that he thinks will make you think less of him. 

But then you’re running a thumb across his cheekbone. And you're ghosting a finger down his scar. You’re being so gentle and careful with him, and you have nothing but adoration and genuine awe on your face as you take in his appearance, like you’re really seeing him for the first time. You could look at him for hours, and not grow tired of it.

And he’s melting. 

You reach up to tuck a stray strand of silver hair behind his ear.

“You’re beautiful, Aemond. Don’t let anyone make you feel any different. I’m sorry I didn’t say it before.”

You can tell nobody has ever talked to him like this, or been this genuine with him, and he doesn’t know what to do or say. 

“What you said, about the constellation. It’s fascinating, that out of all the stars in the sky, you picked the eagle. The watcher. That’s what you are. Funny, how I’m just now seeing it for the first time. It feels like I'm really looking at you for the first time, too.”

“It seems the Gods have reconsidered,” he says, finally looking at you, with pink cheeks and a small smile on his face. “Or, rather, Helaena was right.”

“About what, My Prince?” You smile, unable to stop yourself when his smile is so pretty.

“The waltz, My Lady. It really has started. And it only took a couple stars.”

—

A/N - Hi! I hope this wasn’t shit, I feel like I started off strong and it got weaker, but I’m still figuring out how to write for Aemond, so bare with me. Let me know what you thought :)

[reckless-elsecaller]

Man, the Butcher and how fanfic author's construct their past and powers is really on my brain today.

It's interesting looking at various Butcher fics and seeing how much they all draw from "Butcher's Bill." Most notably, the general interpretation of Butcher 4's power as being a decaying effect for organic matter. I'll give you a hint, it doesn't do that originally, but author's still make it do that. Another thing that sticks around a lot is making Butcher 9 ex-Empire.

It's also interesting how often the same few things get slotted into the missing Butchers. For those who don't remember, we don't have any details on Butchers 5, 7, or 10. But you can still see a lot of fanfic authors giving them a mix of animalistic shapeshifting, regeneration, tinker powers, and a strategic thinker power. And if those don't get used there, those same powers will often be given to other Butchers as secondary powers.

Something I really appreciate is when the author of a fic explains how a Butcher was able to kill their predecessor, especially if they lack in a traditionally combative power. My favorite punching bag for not doing this is Alkaline, the tenth Butcher from "Inheritance." In what context would a person with the ability to produce more of any liquid they can touch be able to defeat the Ninth Butcher, who was a brute to start with before getting danger sense, teleport, and more besides.

I'll probably add more thoughts as they arise.

[nutmeg-mayonnaise]

If Gregory, Mia and Mel are Phoenix and Maya's biological kids, does that mean Phoenix and Maya have Done the Deed, so to speak? Or were other methods involved?

Hello friend! I feel like if I gave the “quick” answer to this question, it’s going to be missing a lot of important context, and since I feel like the topic of family planning from a queerplatonic/aroace perspective is seldom talked about, I'm going to go more in-depth.

[ID: Edgeworth, Phoenix, and Maya holding or carrying children. Edgeworth is carrying the fan character Gregory Wright as a child on his back, with his eyes closed and a tense expression. Gregory has a happy face with closed eyes with his arms wrapped around Edgeworth’s shoulders. Phoenix has the fan character Mia Fey as a young child on his shoulders and head. Mia has her hands covering Phoenix’s eyes and has a determined expression. Phoenix is gripping Mia’s legs. Maya is holding Melusina Fey as an infant to her chest with a happy expression with her eyes closed.]

This is a little long and I know the subject matter isn’t for everyone, so the details along with a mini-comic are below the cut! (Nothing discussed is above the T rating!)

In my AU, Phoenix, Maya, and Edgeworth are all on different places on the aromantic and/or asexual spectrum (cue "Ace" Attorney jokes). It’s also worth mentioning that they're in a queerplatonic relationship, so their orientations don't really matter that much with regards to the polycule. If any of them wanted to pursue a romantic relationship with someone besides each other, it doesn’t break the queerplatonic polycule. However, their orientations does matter with regards to the kids.

One of the fics I'm writing takes place after Spirit of Justice where Maya is starting to seriously think about the future of the Fey Clan lineage. This makes Phoenix anxious, as he's well aware of the history of disastrous marriages in Kurain Village, and hopes to whoever's listening that it doesn't happen to Maya, too. However, he's not attracted to her in that way, so he doesn't get involved outside of being there for moral support.

Extremely long story short, after Maya's disastrous dating life--where she discovers she does not like romantic attention--soul-searching, emotional turmoil, Phoenix and Maya ask themselves why they couldn't have a family together as friends--especially after Edgeworth lectures both of them on separate occasions that they were viewing the situation too romantically. Fey Clan lineage doesn't care about romance, you see.

Obviously how the kids came to be was a huge hang-up. When Maya lamented that she wasn't fond of romantic attention during her moment of self-discovery, Phoenix recommended she have a chat with Edgeworth, who suggested the very unromantic route of donors (and offered to help pay). On a different occasion, when Phoenix was hung up over the birds and the bees, so to speak, Edgeworth suggests that he (Phoenix, to be clear) could be a donor for Maya. That doesn't involve contact, Maya's kids would have a dad who loves them and their mom, it's a win-win.

Unfortunately, well after Phoenix and Maya were already emotionally invested in starting the family together, Maya learns that known donors require a lot more time and money than unknown donors, as well as mandatory therapy. Did I mention money? So, to put a finer point on it, since they felt very secure with their friendship and nothing has threatened it thus far in this situation, they didn't see why they couldn't give the "free" route a shot.

As you might have guessed, given the lack of attraction towards each other in that way... it did not go well. 

It was the straw that broke the camel's back and started to strain their relationship. So much so, that when they were working together in court after trying for a few months, Edgeworth noticed they were irritable towards each other and requested a recess to chat with them...

[ID: Two comic panels. The first panel has Edgeworth, Phoenix, and Maya in the Defendant Lobby. Edgeworth is standing before Phoenix with his arms crossed. Phoenix is sitting on one end of the couch hunched over in distress with his hand over his forehead. Maya is sitting on the other end of the couch, facing away, with her hands together on her lap and a red face. The narration says “After a long vent about Phoenix and Maya’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Time...”. The second panel has Edgeworth with his arms crossed and his eyes closed. He says “Why are you two not considering medical assistance?”]

[ID: Two more comic panels. The first panel has Phoenix in the same pose as before. He says, “We don’t have that kind of time or money. I know you offered to help with the expenses, but it’s still too much, and we can’t ask more from you...”. The second panel has Edgeworth adjusting his glasses with one arm still crossed. His grits his teeth as he says, “Are you aware they have............. they sell....”]

[ID: Two more panels. The first one has Edgeworth typing on his rose gold phone with the onomatopoeia “tap tap tap”, looking flustered. There is a speech bubble with several ellipses. In the next panel is Edgeworth showing his phone to Phoenix and Maya, with him saying “Here.” Very small text pointing to the phone says “At-home kits that allow kids to happen with no contact for about $100. :)”. Phoenix looks at the phone with his eyes wide and Maya leans in, also looking at the phone with wide eyes.]

[ID: The same illustration as the first image, with the narration “Seven years and three kids later...”. Phoenix says “Hey, thanks again for the recommendation, Miles!” Edgeworth’s speech bubble has “.....*grumble*........” written. Maya has a speech bubble with a pink heart.]

(And Edgeworth is still in disbelief that he did more research than they did..........but he got a son out of the whole ordeal so it’s okay. :) )

To sum it all up, while it was far from their first choice, they certainly did give Doing the Deed a shot for the sake of saving time and money, but they found it was too much for them so all three kids were conceived with those at-home kits. 

Thanks for the question!

[youthereader]

Near Zero preview.

summary: Brought into be part of the Manhattan Project, your old physics professor sees you in a new light.

a/n: Though based on real life characters, this is J. Robert Oppenheimer as played by Cillian Murphy, a fictional character.

This is my first time writing reader fic, so please be kind! I've had this swimming around in my head for the last couple months and finally decided to get started. Big thanks to @indulgence-be-thy-name for encouraging me. I also could not have done this without the constant inspiration of @stargazingfangirl18 whose stories first got me interested in reading reader fic. ❤️

rating: eventually E (no smut in this preview)

When you see him now, he’s so different to the last time, but he’s unmistakably the same man. Now, he wears a broad hat and carries a pipe as he approaches you in the empty room.

“I was wondering when you would show up,” he says, and his smile opens him up completely.

He extends a hand as you rise to meet him. Your things are being sorted thoroughly somewhere out back, but you still hold onto your coat and matching pocketbook. Los Alamos feels like another world, so remote that you hadn’t expected the town to be built here, with roads and people swarming. It is a living, breathing thing you’ve somehow managed to stumble into, it feels.

“Dr. Oppenheimer,” you reply, shaking his hand. “I didn’t know if you were meeting me.”

“Wouldn’t want to miss it,” he replies, though he sounds distracted. “What do you know?”

Hardly any pleasantries, which you expected. In the years of knowing him, Dr. Oppenheimer didn’t get to know you as your professor, and certainly not as anything else outside of the classroom. You had not subscribed to the Cult of Oppie, and not necessarily out of choice.

Though there were women studying theoretical and experimental physics, they were few and far between. Since leaving high school, you had understood that to be taken seriously, you could not act like a man. The few friends you had in high school often teased you about your lack of grace, your ability to be covered in chalk dust at any given time, and your unwavering standoffish nature.

You belong in a think tank, but not on a podium proclaiming these theories. You could work in a team, which was why you supposed your name came up for this.

“My country needs me,” you reply.

He smiles again, somewhat smaller. His eyes survey you a beat longer and you swallow, picturing your hair windswept and unruly from the train journey. You might smell of sweat, you hadn’t showered since yesterday and came straight here when you let yourself known to security.

“And your country will be glad to have you. Have a seat.”

He gestures to a desk and chair, waiting for you to sit. The silence stretches and you feel his eyes on you. You’re wearing your best dress and your nails match your lipstick. Though you were given little context about being summoned here, it felt like a job interview from the telegram you received a few days ago.

The last time he saw you, you dressed like someone that didn’t care about making a good impression.

To stamp down any nerves, you pluck your cigarettes case from your pocketbook, fishing one out. A lit match appears as you put a cigarette between your lips, Dr. Oppenheimer’s hand cupping the flame as you lean in.

“Mm, thank you,” you murmur. You exhale, watching as he pulls back, extinguishing it with a short puff of air.

He stares down at the burnt-out match for a couple seconds before he looks back at you again, his brows furrowing.

“This opportunity means reaching beyond what we have before scientifically,” he says, and you take another pull from your cigarette.

You speak around your smoke. “This is to do with Nazi weapons, isn’t it.”

“They split the atom,” he replies, and you nod. “And since you’re here, it means you’ve been cleared to be part of our great endeavour.”

The ‘our’ would be ‘his’ to a lot of people. You know better, having seen the hundreds of people outside.

“I need like-minded people,” he says.

You rub the tip of your thumb and forefinger together absently, frowning. You were the first to admit that you had very little in your life besides your work, and that hadn’t been plentiful since war broke out. Belatedly, it occurs to you that he’s referring to your intelligence.

“What could I contribute? I wasn’t one of your best.”

“You were,” he amends, lowering his voice a little. “You just didn’t participate outside of a school building. You were invited.”

Your eyes swing to meet his and you recall that Oppie reputation, that he was a womanizer underneath the genius. It never meant to be aimed towards you, that charm. Or so you assumed.

“I’m not the type to enjoy crowds,” you reply. “It’s character flaw of mine.”

You were speaking just like your parents, the ones that had not encouraged you to pursue academia. Being a homemaker, someone with a reliable husband was what they wanted for you.

“Would you have come, if I asked you to, personally?” he asks.

His question throws you, and you stammer out: “N-now, or back then?”

“I asked for you both times,” he says.

For the first time, you blush. Hoping he ignores this, you smoke some more to clear your head. You had almost forgotten about his ability to make you flustered.

“If you asked me to come to a class party personally, I would have said yes,” you admit.

You dare to glance his way again, stomach flipping. So much for being a more polished version of yourself, you’re back to being mousey and strange under those intense eyes.

“That’s a pity,” he murmurs. “But I’m glad you’re here now.”

A/N: If you've enjoyed this so far, let me know! Thank you for reading. 🖤

[desertfangs]

I NEED YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE ARMAND/DANIEL BREAK UP SCENE IN TVA PLS

Not gonna lie, I would’ve loved for a more polished version of this to have made it into the book, the potential is there IMO as well as all the elements that make Devil’s Minion such an explosive, intense, compelling ship. The fighting, the yearning, the weird sexual analogies (this one didn’t quite land but it kinda always goes back to sex with them, doesn’t it?), the kissing in between hurtful statements. Daniel using INSECT parts for his models, Pandora trying to make him pay attention to Armand, Armand being sad and kissing Daniel while trying to fix things, but Daniel being too far gone at the time to even register the impact of his words. I NEED MORE.

Anon, I have so many thoughts, my brain is spinning.

I'm not sure I'd want this in the book or not, it's so hard to say now. I was absolutely baffled by Daniel's lack of inclusion in TVA when it came out, and and then suddenly he's there in B&G mad and being cared for by Marius, and I had to do a lot of mental gymnastics to figure out how I thought he got from A to B. I eventually decided him thinking Armand was dead drove him mad, which made the most sense to me. That is clearly is not what Anne had pictured, but at this point I'm honestly pretty happy with that conclusion instead.

I'm trying to imagine how it would have felt if this was included in TVA. What else does that change? Is Armand still bitter and angry? Is he more regretful? Does this mean we get any of his POV of the Devil's Minion years, including their break up? (Because that is the piece I feel is most missing from that book and what I deeply wanted from it in addition to filling in Armand's background.)

The idea that Armand abandoned the island to mortal hands--a reference to him selling it, I guess--would absolutely break Daniel apart. It does feel very much like something he would be devastated by but I don't feel we're given enough on this one page to really understand what happened. Armand left the others? That doesn't gel with anything I've ever thought. Armand always struck me as the one who was holding things together and was then heartbroken when everyone else left. So I'd need a more context into Anne's idea of how things played out there.

That said, there are pieces I like!

I love the idea of Pandora and Marius looking after Daniel together and Pandora trying to get his attention.

"I have no maker!" I mean, if Daniel and Armand had a vicious fight and Armand all about renounced him and left him wandering to the point where the loneliness and devastation of it drove him mad, then this is absolutely something I can see him saying. The way he talks about how Armand doesn't make others so clearly he has no maker is so full of bitterness and resentment I would love to see a fic unpacking that (Someone should write it! Maybe several someones!)

Daniel building his worlds with found objects and weird shit is amazing. Like it's so deeply unhinged that I can't help but applaud the creativity. I honestly wish I'd known about this months ago because I can totally see this happening as Daniel sinks into madness and I would have loved to have added a scene to my fic about that where Daniel is building a little town on the floor of some seedy motel with bugs and matchbooks and rubber bands or something. It's delightfully freaking weird and I dig it.

I love Armand asking after Daniel, which is another thing I think was sorely missing from TVA. The fact that he doesn't seem to care where he is just explained by his assumption Daniel hates him, but it still feels exceptionally weird to me that Armand wouldn't even ask, particularly after he almost died, and he doesn't know if Daniel may have tried to follow suit? This whole big thing just happened and Lestat is catatonic on the floor, I'd be accounting for my loved ones, no matter how we left things.

Armand losing all his anger and bitterness (does he have that in this version? He must have some, right?) when he sees Daniel in a bad state, clearly struggling, and offering him comfort is so precious. But also can we talk about "I didn't mean to abandon you..." ????? Armand ABANDONED Daniel in this version??? I just... that's so wild, I have so many questions. And then he kisses him??? That is precious. Look, I have wanted an Armand and Daniel interaction during his madness since we learned Daniel was in Marius' basement playing with model trains in Blood and Gold. And I think I would have been okay with this if we got some satisfying resolution between them afterward - we can have this hurt, but we need some comfort to end it on, you know? And I don't think that would have happened. I think Armand would have left defeated and we'd have been stuck with that in our heads for decades until PL came out and we get one freaking line about them hunting together, so.

I think I am glad this version did not make it into TVA, but I would also love to read a dozen fics that try to make sense of all this because there are some delicious tidbits I think talented fic writers could explore and really work into something great.

[brandycranby]

You have Ari wips? ☺️ if you're up for it, may we have a nibble of something ip?

hi needle ☺️��🏻 have a snippet from one of my oldest wips, arranged marriage a/b/o duke!ari x princess!reader AU, (asian/desi coded as always but no description)

His hands guide yours off your clothes but he doesn't try to loosen your skirts. Instead, he slides closer on the bench, pulling you onto his lap and enclosing you in the fold of his arms.

"This is a hug, sweetest. Have you… have you never had one?"

Muted by the cloak of his scent, you shake your head. His heart beats under your ear, a steady even pound that soothes the bristling creature in your head. It's so warm, so dark where you're pressed up against his chest, hidden away in his arms. Safe. You're so safe cradled here. It makes you want to nuzzle his neck and breathe in his thick musk until you’re lightheaded, take liberties with this kind Alpha without his leave.

The wetness of your tears doesn't register immediately, but when it does, it's with a jolt of panic that makes you twist away.

long rambling under the cut :^))

i've wanted to write a palace setting ever since i started writing fic, especially during quarantine when i was consuming stuff like bajirao mastani and a shitload of tvb historical dramas. i think about what it must have been like to grow up in a harem, to fight for dignity and respect that should have been given to you, to have to hide your softness and be strong and sharp and smart unless you wanted to get killed by another concubine.

i also think about how physical touch is something so forbidden in many asian cultures and how much im starved for contact. i think about how emotional i am, how many tears i can cry at a time, and how my mom never ever cries when things get tough because it's natural for her to process rationally and logically. she's not broken or missing anything in the same way that someone with autism isnt broken for experiencing life and emotion differently. im not looking to demonizing one culture or another and i definitely not making this into an east vs west white savior thing.

but growing up, i didnt know what to do. it was a big learning process solved by communicating what i needed. i recommend this comic by ruth chan which is very healing

so, this fic is an illustration of the balancing act i've finally kinda mastered after 20 years. duchess isnt there yet, she's still struggling to accept that she's more emotional than what her culture prescribes as proper and appropriate and that she can't control it. because she was never taught why or how and how to feel safe communicating this with someone she trusts.

i thought it'd be interesting to put all of this in the context of a/b/o which we know deals a lot with physical touch and instinct and emotions. i wanted to see how different origins and traditions create miscommunications. and ari is the perfect vehicle for this. it's going to hurt so much (sorry duchess) and then he's going to be a soothing balm for us all.

it's all so very very complicated and close to my heart. thats why it's taking so long :'))

i also understand that this is reader with a lot of personality, one that you (general you) may not vibe with and i say thats valid. jjst please move on if she bothers you or if you feel like you cant connect with the fic.

that being said, even if she's was not written for you, i hope you can still try to understand her and feel affection for her and the story

@punemy-spotted duchess mention <3