#there's still.........so much thst could have been done with that money that would be more useful for humanity

[areyoudoneyetneon]

no one wants to try and hear me out on y feeligns, not him not her

they only deem it as me trying to argue when im onlu trying to explain myself and when im crying it's only seen like im being a nuisance. its like theyre saying "are u done yet bro?"

like im obviously still sad about it, i obviously need time. why does their have to be a time limit on my feelings?

it feels like im \in so much pain and i know i feel pain so much more than the people i surround myself with cuz i cant stop being such a little bitch

everyone js see's me as a submissive little bitch when im trying to explain myself nand explain that im hurting still

i have no one to talk to, no one to speak to about this and the only thing i can do is be even more pathetic on the internet. its so pathetic and i hate myself so much for it

because she thinks its pathetic to be this way

to be so sensitive and i wish i wasnt

its so pathetic that i cry all the time

people like to preach that its okay to cry but it isnt. everytime i show my vulerbility to anyone it gets taken as annoyance.

"just let me sleep"

its not even like i was arguing with her anymore, i was trying to get reassurance before she sleeped and all she care abt was sleeping

she was so obviously annoyed with me

it was like she was saying "can we wrap this up? ik youre crying rn but i just dont wanna deal with you"

and i know no one wants to deal with me anymore. even if im in the right its taken for ransom like its js some crazy idea that i could be right abt my feelings

sometimes i just really feel like dying and i wish it would work out better

i know i dont deserve to be happy. i deserve to suffer and i deserve to be raped and abused and molested and i dont deserve to be dead

i deserve to be dead and rotting in hell

im trying so hard

im trying so fucking hard to change and i am changing and i know it

i dont want the media i dont want my phone i dont want any of it

obviouslyh that other person didnt care enougn abt my felings or wanting to stay in the friendship any longer. he just completely ignored my feelings and thought more abt himself. he thought "WOW THIS PERSON IS WEIRD THIS PERSON IS WRIRFD" when he's literally lied abt stuff abt me and it made me wanna kill myself. i was in the lowest point that i felt i needed to snort up bath salts.

bath salts thta literally ruin you. i wanted to ruin myself

even i questioned myself if what i did was wrong for such a long time

i hated myself so much and i still do, i still fucking do

i know thst i desrve that kind of person in my life

i hate myself and i just want to quit

quit trying anymore

i wasnt trying to argue with anyone, i was trying to explain myself and whenveer i communicate how i feel, they take it as arguing and then it leads to an argument and i dont think they realize that

or maybe im just stupid and i just shouldnt ssy shit

maybe i am so worthless that my feelings dont matter anymore

no matter if i change

no matter if i change or not

no matter if anything ws forgiven, it doesnt matter

i know im so worthless im so fucking worthless

i know im a lowlife and barely make money, i know im gonna be homeless and die alone i justy know it

ive been trying to get a second job because she knows how worthless i feel when im doign absolutely nothing and she used it against me and it made me so sad too

she used it against me

she used my feeling of worthlessness against me. i feel so worthless i feel so worthless. im trying to mae money with my depop acc too and all she sees is worthlessness i just feel it

and she called me a psycho for the same shit she did to me and other people

i just wish she understood.

everytime i try with people in my life it goes stupid. and when im in the wrong im in the wrong and i get scolded for it but when im in the right i get scolded for it too. i get scolded for everything and i feel like it just means that either way, no matter what i do ill still be terrible. like the creator wanted me to live only for me to enjoy seeing a white bitch suffer and try to kill themself multiple times and it wont even let me.

ill still be terrible even if im doign something right. i cant take it anymore

i cant take it anymore i seriously cant, its so embedded.

its so embedded. i feel like people will hate mwe for the things i do even if its right or workng. its always been that way

forever and ever and ever and ever bro

and the only thing they could be thinking is "stop feeling sorry for yourself"

im breaking down bro please stop judging me for being offended

its obvious. you cant respect someones feelings after they fuck u over so why are u still here listening to me cry

i just wish i was dead and its not ever taken seriously. because i know one day im gonna be on the verge of doing it and people will only be thinking "brah the only reason i didnt try to help is cuz i thought they were bluffing" when in reality i will be pushed over the edge and im not saying its anyones fault. i just wish i hadny donje stupoid shit

[trolagygirl2022]

please I cant count how much 2 baddies and 1 porsche makes me cringe in fact any song that mention brand name or car name, just gives me the ick it seem kinda childish or overdone. even lisa song I think shes more good at fashion and conceptual based imagery than coming up with actual flow. flower is more my fave song in comparison bc i can listen to the whole song of jisoos with ease so its more pleasant for my ears to take

money for exampke was harsh to listen to except for that one segment that i think is the viral part of the song "my money moves" and so on was my fave bit. so in a way i do get why songs go viral for just that one part however i wish i could like the whole song rather than just one aspect of it and songs a getting too short for me to fully get into it. sometimes i also find skz music quite harsh on my sensitive ears. i want to love them as a group and i think theyre so funny and adorable / talented to watch as a whole but their songs just dont hit my vibes at all, currently ateez are my main loves but even their songs dont always hit and i think its more so the production (sorry joong i just dont like autotuned vocals in songs ok it only works for some instances not all of them. also im still waiting for more san solo stuff)

my problem with kpop as a whole is generally groups are getting too young thus so is their songs and its genuinely hard for me to find actual need to hard core stan a group if theyre like teens to early 20s bc i have such a huge age gap from them, come on kpop dont be like stale bread... and as older or same age groups go into military i kind of have to find someone else to follow in the mean time or i tend to find im prefering older music than current modern i guess tiktok related music.

my qualm with general music today compared to older music is i think i like how organic older music is or was in comparison, it was more naturally made than a computer made song not that they arent talented at what they do it just doesnt always vibe with me or sometimes the lyrics can be really off when u try to read them in english yet at the same time i get why these songs go viral but its not for the simple pleasures of listening to a good quality song. i think kpop when it sees what someone else is doing is popular someone else tries to replicate it instead of bringing something new or fresh in i actually think its terrified of being too individual and not standing out or not being viral

its kinda why ateez caught my attention and the mfs did just that (if only they had been an older age group sighhhhhhhhhhh) i love their concepts and overall talents oml theyre such an endless group with not having too many members (sorry nct but i forget ur names after the first 5 members ok) like theres often bits of songs i will skip but then i feel bad for not liking the entire song or thinking what i wouldve done or added differently to make it sound a better song or what english word i wouldve switched and so on just so it would rhyme better maybe thats what kpop lacks i like that it includes some random english lyrics but it often make no real sense to me

not like how id feel if i listened to green day or another familiar song where i already get the gist of the lyrics that have slightly better flow than some korean songs theyre not all bad its just not often as hit of a song as they might think it is if thst makes sense? sometimes it do be just the name or face of idol that make the song more relevant than what it deserves peekaboo is good example of nice flow and high note mix so is some of nct earlier songs or even jopping is catchy song as a whole its more listenable than their latest.

sorry for rambling hehe.

Idk but I LOVED money, I think it's better than Lalisa. Yeah I know it's not the best lyrically but it's too catchy, plus the dance is so fun! But yeah, I agree with you a lot. I like SKZ as a group but some of their songs are a bit too much for me. My favorite songs would be Domino, LALALA and Miroh. I think that their older work was better than what they're pumping out. (Sorry but their album with 5 Star was not it 😵‍💫 it was too obnoxious to my taste). Sure LALALA can be found obnoxious but idk, I think it's at a minimum, plus the instrumental is so freaking good! Yes I love ATEEZ!! I think they are a good example of more "unusual" songs that keep it to a minimum. The system is becoming like McDonald's, cheap stuff that don't leave you feeling the best after and takes your money (that's why Wendy's is better 😛). The NCT part is so true 😭 I usually listen to their songs if there is a part that's catchy but the rest of the song can be... well!

[ineffablefool]

India update: it is Thursday morning here now, so one and one half days left in the office. Tomorrow night we fly to Delhi, then there's not quite one day in a hotel there (which I forgot when I was packing, whoops), and then we fly for home really late Saturday local time. Should be back in my own house like 8 pm Sunday evening CST if nothing goes horribly wrong!

I am looking forward to getting out of here SO MUCH. I love our team here, but I do not love having to go through a week of being extra-misgendered, feeling like a colonialist (we definitely get e.g. lighter security screenings because we're white, and what are you going to do, *argue questions of racial equity* with the guy who has semi-automatic weight backing his moral argument?), and not being able to drink or rinse with the tap water.

And, of course, I'm looking forward to not being 10.5 hours off from my normal dash/discord activity anymore. And having a computer! With a real keyboard and a mouse!!! People who are leaving me long AO3 comments or emails this week are... not getting responses in a timely manner, I'll tell you that much.

[croissantbae]

August 1, 2022

1. Dani is such an utter terrorist. But I love and adore her sooooo much. I feel like Jason and I are the only ones that do though bc she’s such a menace when people are around lol.

2. We went to lake arrowhead w Jason’s fam. The drive there started out strong. Girls got McDonald’s. Then napped. It was going amazing. Then we get there and see the house and we were like good god. Because there were stairs and the frame of the banister had bars that were wide apart. It was big enough where the kids could totally fall through and fall to their demise. At first jason tied blankets around it and then later we pushed the couches against it and threaded a playmat between the bars. Once thst was done we felt a lot better.

We had some bomb food. Jason’s mom made gochujang jjigae which I had only just found out about 1.5 years ago when Julie came over and mentioned she made it for her fam. Man the jjigae was so good I had like 3 servings. It went so well w our gogi.

After dinner our woes began. We decided to have Dani sleep in the big bed w us because we didn’t want her crying and waking everyone up at 3 am if we put her in the pack and play because shes been doing thst recently. So Jason did the usual thing and carried her. Then when she fell asleep he put her in the bed. But then every time he put her down she’d wake up and be excited we were there and want to play. I told Jason to just go upstairs so he could at least be w his fam. But I basically put Dani back in the carrier then back in bed like 4x. Until finally I gave up bc I needed to send something out for work. I switched w jason but he couldn’t get her to sleep either. I think she didn’t sleep until like 11:30 or midnight.

Anyway long story short it was terrible and the next night was even worse. I was so mean to her the second night. I was like ok it’s time to sleep NOW. and she started crying and I was like blocking her crying by putting my hand on her mouth so she sound would be muffled. And I was like hissing STOP!! I was seriously so mean. I feel so bad. But she still loves me #1 and I’m making it up to her.

ThT second night destroyed me. I was like we can’t do a trip like this again unless either Dani has her own room or she can sleep in the bed like naya can.

But with that said I’ve already been thinking about where would be a good place to travel to. Why do I want to pay money to torture myself I don’t know.

In any event it was still a great trip despite the sleeping woes. Naya watched a bunch of tv to her hearts content but she was such a good girl. Listened so well, ate well, played well. Eileen was so sweet and bought them bubbles and cards. And naya brought a play do set NM bought her. She loves NM and doesn’t like OM. It’s kind of sad because OM still loves her so much…

When we came home we got Thai food for dinner. Then put the kids down. And jason freaking made moogook and japchae. So annoying. Going above and beyond.

McDonald’s

Falling asleep.

Pretty cabin. Will post more pics in the next post.

[misstrashchan]

Pyre/Greedling Meta:

I remember in the earlier volumes that a fair amount of people in the FNDM would compare Cinder to Lust from Fullmetal Alchemist, due to her femme fatale persona and voice seeming like an impression of Laura Bailey's Lust.

But as we learn more about Cinder and meet Salem in vol4, it's very clear that the version of herself she likes to present herself as is meant to come across as an impression, an imitation. Because she's trying to imitate Salem, the person who defines what power is to her.

And as that facade crumbles and we slowly start to see how deep Cinder's desires really run, it's far more clear to me that her character and story have much more in common with Greed, not Lust.

:read more:

Greed is the only homunculi who is willing to follow his deepest desires to the fullest, regardless of where that placed him. He was certainly willing to do evil, but wouldn't if that evil didn't personally benefit him. And, over time within the series, Greed comes to realise that his obsession with power, glory and seeking to become God, were nothing more than vain attempts to cover up his true emotional emptiness caused by a lack of connecting to others. And once he finds a cause and people to support who help and support him in turn, his character arc finishes with him, Greed, looking on all that he has, his friends, and is grateful. Content.

Which ties into the lesson of the Fall Maiden in the Tale of the Four Maidens in which Fall begs the Hermit to look around at all he has and be thankful. To be satisfied and content with oneself, which is a lesson Cinder has to learn in order to truly become a Fall Maiden.

Greed's desires are similar to Cinder's own ambition for power driven by her fear and insecurities, seeking to become a "godlike maiden badass" wanting to fill the emptiness and craving she feels, not yet realizing that this will not be what brings her true satisfaction to her, well, greed.

"Greed may not be good, but it's not so bad either. You humans think greed is just for money and power! But everyone wants something they don't have"

"You Atlas elites are all the same! You think hoarding power means you'll have it forever. But it just makes the rest of us hungrier! And I refuse to starve"."

I think it's very important to point out that Greed doesn't become good or redeem himself because he sees the error of his ways and wants to atone for the things he's done, rather he starts on the path to redemption by refusing to be a pawn to Father any longer, when realizing the power and glory he craves he wouldn't be able to obtain by staying and working underneath Father like the rest. His greed and dissatisfaction are what motivates him, though it is ultimately Ling who gives him the final push and convinces him to side with the protagonists.

And Cinder at the end of vol7 seems to be heading towards a crossroads of whether or not she'll stay with Salem, given how the Grimm arm that was "gifted" to her by Salem seems to be slowly consuming her body, she might have doubts about whether the kind of power Salem has promised her is really the kind of power she wants, and whether she's prepared to sacrifice herself to obtain it, or whether she could choose to strike out on her own. Again, some villains start on the path to redemption solely out of self interest.

It's also not just Greed's story I think Cinder's is remarkably similar to, but the stories of Ling and Pyrrha and the role they play in Greed and Cinder's stories, as their souls and stories are intrinsically intertwined.

The ouroboros tattoo and its meaning was the first thing that caught my attention, as it the ouroboros symbol represents eternal cyclical renewal. Of life, death and rebirth. And how that aligns with Pyrrha's incantation used to unlock Jaune's aura:

"For it is in passing we achieve immortality. Through this we become a paragon of virtue and glory to rise above all. Infinite in distance and unbound by death, I release your soul, and by my shoulder, protect thee"

Cinder also has a tattoo of her own symbol that appears after connecting to Amber's soul and taking half of her power, just like the ouroboros tattoo appearing after Greed and Ling's souls were intertwined and he had taken over his body. Cinder takes the other half of the maiden powers after Pyrrha had been bound to them as her and Amber's aura were intertwined, making it likely that Pyrrha is a part of Cinder in the same way Greed and Ling are.

Both Pyrrha and Ling are considered to be people in positions of power and prestige with great expectations placed on them that they intend to live up to. Ling as an Xingese prince, Pyrrha as a world renowned champion fighter and promising huntresses, the "invincible girl". Both agree to becoming a maiden/homuculus respectively, despite the inhumane means of doing so and risk to their body, soul and life, as they believe obtaining this power will help their people.

"We can't transfer Amber's power to you but we can give you what those powers are bound to."

"Her aura"

"Her life... would become intertwined with yours. The question is-"

"What's that gonna do to you?" - (RWBY Volume 3 Chapter 6)

Greed and Cinder's stories are body horror stories about what you'll sacrifice for power, and the power they are "gifted" by their masters, Father and Salem, is concentrated in their left arm.

Interestingly, Greed's power that transforms him into an inhuman monster is his "Ultimate Shield" that makes him invulnerable, which is the exact opposite of the "power" that Salem grants Cinder that slowly crawls up her left arm threatening to turn her into a monster makes her more vulnerable than most, because she doesn't have aura to protect those parts of her.

Both Greed and Cinder are the most defiant of their masters wishes, and often Father and Salem experience losses and failures because they underestimated Greed and Cinder's ambition. What should have been an easy win at Haven for Salem failed because Cinder was overly ambitious in her need to to win, to feel powerful, and Greed's betrayal of Father is simply because his own ambition is greater than his, thus he would never be content to work underneath him, to be less than him.

Both are charismatic individuals and good at convincing others to work with them. They like to surround themselves with others and both are the only ones under Father/Salem to have their own subordinates (Wrath doesn't count since it was always Father's intention to have him become Fuhrer). Despite them clearly needing human connection, their relationship with their loyal subordinates we are introduced to alongside them is... Not Super Great. They might care about them to a certain degree, but at the end of the day they ultimately view them as useful tools and possessions.

Both of them speak of an emptiness they feel inside of them:

"All of these souls inside of me, and yet I still feel so... empty"

"It's... an emptiness. It burns. Like a hunger."

It's ultimately Ling thst acts as Greed's consciousness, as when he doesn't show any remorse over killing Bido, the last of the old Greed's followers, on the orders of Father, Ling is the one who drags out all of his repressed emotion, being able to feel his pain and see his memories, he forces Greed to face them and how terribly he treated his "friends", and to reevaluate his priorities and self, pushing him away from Father.

"It's nothing personal. I'm just doing my job. I am sorry, honestly!"

"What have you done, Greed? Are you determined to prove you're a monster? What kind of sick creature... would kill his own friend!?"

"He wasn't my... friend..."

"Then why do you remember him? And are you gonna try and tell me Bido was just making everything up?"

"Those were the last Greed's memories! They're not mine!"

"THEN WHY ARE YOU IN SO MUCH PAIN!?

Pull yourself together, Greed. I'm warning you. I'll take this body back if you drop your guard"

"They aren't mine... Father purified me and purged the old Greed's memories. Those memories aren't a part of me any more!"

"No! You're wrong Greed! It's not that easy! They'll always be a part of you! You can't just erase them from your soul! They were the only part of you that you chose!"

"Look at them! Can you not hear their souls crying out? You abandoned them. Your real family! You threw them away like trash!"

"Fool. If you turned your back on something you wanted, YOU DON'T DESERVE TO CALL YOURSELF GREED!" (Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood episode 44, Greed and Ling)

If Pyrrha were to return, it's likely she would manifest and communicate more directly with Cinder than maiden predecessors usually do (though in all fairness we don't know the details of if maiden predecessors do or not), being more similar to Ozpin and Oscar's situation, rather than just being a part of her soul, because of how unnatural her interference with the fall maiden's power transfer was. The way Ozpin looks and speaks about it makes it clear he knows there is a very good chance he was recreating his own curse the GoL bestowed on him, and that this isn't like when he was the Hermit, giving his magic happily to the Maidens.

There's also the parallels between Ozma and Pyrrha's situations too, and how readily they accept their mission and fate, and in how they die, and I believe we still haven't seen the full payoff to those parallels with Pyrrha.

When Ozma reincarnates the first time, it's implied that he completely overtakes Ozma 2.0/ Oisín/Diggs (why do we have so many names for him), having not yet learned how to live with the souls with which he had been paired. It's not until much, much later when Oz is beginning to have doubts about whether he should stay with Salem , but still continues to go along with her plans that Oisín makes himself known, (and we know Ozma isn't used to him communicating with him with how suprised and shaken he is by this, which is strange considering he's been paired with him for a long while, unless Oisín hadn't made himself known before this) and is the one who finally pushes Ozma to leave Salem.

"What are we doing?"

With Cinder returning to Salem's side, full of doubt of whether she can go through with Salem's plan for her, to hurt and destroy herself for this power, and Emerald and Mecury (probably Neo too) likely betraying and cutting ties with Cinder too, which is going to leave her full of even more doubt, hurt, anger and additional feelings of betrayal and confusion. And more than anything, alone. Which would be the ideal time for Pyrrha to say to Cinder like with Ozma, "What are we doing?" To push her to reevaluate her priorities and self.

Imagine Pyrrha finally being able to manifest or communicate with Cinder, realizing she's bound to the woman who killed her. Knowing her emotions and memories in their entirety, feeling her pain and anger as if it were her own. And Ruby describing her as "Pyrrha thought that if there was even the smallest chance of helping someone that it was a chance worth taking" the Pyrrha who told Jaune "Everyone needs a little help sometimes" understanding what Cinder went through, and that if she couldn't save the world or make it better by attempting to kill Cinder, then, maybe as she is now, the one thing she can do to help save the world, to make it a better place, is by helping Cinder be better, helping her use her talents for good, like a true maiden should? (On a more fun note, imagining Pyrrha deciding to help Cinder but not missing any opportunity to be a playfully snarky little shit towards her. Because what is Cinder gonna do? Kill her again? Like tell me Pyrrha would not Do Both. And Cinder's not sure which she hates more: Pyrrha teasing her or feeling sorry for her)

Another interesting thing is how in The World of RWBY: The Official Companion states that Salem's goal is to possess all four relics, and to absorb the power of all the Maidens, which she means to at some point, absorb Cinder's power. It's likely part of why she favours Cinder and has such an intimate relationship with her (the Relic of Choice might have played a role in why Salem chose Cinder specifically) That transition of maiden powers from Cinder to Salem would be made much more seamless for Salem if she was grooming Cinder to be more like her, and was slowly becoming more Grimm, if she was treating Cinder like an extension of herself, because to Salem, she would be. Which is again, similar to Father and Greed, as Greed literally was an extension of Father created from him, and absorbed back into him when he became too disobedient and remade and reborn again.

The finale of Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood has Father absorbing Greed's philosopher's stone in an attempt to claim his power, but Greed ends up sacrificing himself by inverting his Ultimate Shield inside of Father, making his whole body incredibly fragile and vulnerable so Ed is able to defeat him. In the end, Greed ends up being the key to their victory against Father.

I want to make it clear that I don't personally think RWBY will end with Cinder dying or "defeating" Salem. At least, not in the traditional sense. I can draw as many comparisons as I like between Greed and Cinder but at the end of the day they're two different stories with different themes. And I don't believe that kind of ending would align with RWBY's. One of the themes of Cinder's story is to find a way to keep living no matter what. And as for Salem, the only way she can "die" is to learn the value of life and death, which would require a much more different approach.

But either way, I do believe Cinder will end up being their key to victory one way or another, similar to Greed.

[kendrixtermina]

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

[merilly-chan]

(Picture taken from @Spindash54 on Twitter.) KHUx is my favorite gacha game to complain about and I know a lot of people share that sentiment because it doesn't have to be that way. There was a time I actually enjoyed playing this game. However, I want to address an issue concerning the complaints I've seen and hopefully encourage people to set their priorities straight. What I see below the KHUx official tweets are mostly problems that have little to no relevance. People are upset about VIP buyers getting mediocre medals and avatar/pet parts. They are mad we are not getting everything JP did (the picture above being posted below every single tweet). They are complaining about being done with event boards. I'm not saying they are invalid or shouldn't be addressed but it seems those fans are sweating the small stuff while completely overlooking issues which have been around for ages. I know people get tired of SE not addressing them but I cannot help but wonder why people have the stamina to always mention the stuff above again and again but won't talk about real issues. Let's talk business here from the standpoint of someone who plays both versions daily since the release of the Japanese version and who has even put quite a bit of money into this game. (Not whale standards, but still more than 300$.) ● The balance of the game has completely gone nuts. Quests are either so easy that there's no challenge anymore or so hard that even those buying the WJE cannot finish them. There's often no in-between anymore, no way to turtle your way through. You need the strongest and newest medals with the best traits to clear all objectives. ● Regarding the above, nearly all core mechanics are based on RNG (i.e. luck). I have nothing against the gacha aspect for medal pulls, but traits have become the most important factor and they are RNG and 70% are useless, with the useful ones being the rarest. That might not be so bad if the powercreep wasn't so drastic. You basically amass medals and finally get some good traits and poof - the medals are useless again. I have over 1000 medals which are basically just subslot fodder or there for collection purposes. And that's not even the worst aspect. If you do finally get one of the good medals outside their respective banners, you can't even be happy about them because they are essentially worthless without traits, except for lower tier PvP perhaps. ● The sheer amount of useless medals you get showered with. I'm not talking about medal draws but about Cids, Brooms, Fantasia Mickey Bs, Magic Mirrors, Blue Fairies, Tier 7 Dual Meow Wows and useless skills. I know, I know. Two years ago we were whining about being granted Brooms but ever since 7* medals have become a standard while pulling, all of the above medals have ceased functionality. And if that wasn't the worst of it, we still get them shoved down our throat at every turn. I never thought there would come a day where I'd prefer HDLs and Chip and Dale over Brooms. It isn't even a problem between JP and global anymore but something which affects both versions equally. Why the heck doesn't it get adjusted? The PVE/Coliseum boards still provide us the same useless skills as 3 years ago, there's a DAILY Cid quest and we still get them as rewards for events and quests and we get showered with Magic Mirrors and Brooms when 7* medals are the norm for new medals and every 7* medal is fully guilted by default. Do you know how many stacks of Magic Mirrors I have? 23! Over 2000 Magic Mirrors I can't use. I am selling Blue Fairy Stacks for Tier 1-4 because I have nothing to evolve anymore and my subslots don't even need another Tier 4 medal. I have two stacks of M&Bs and 3 Broom stacks and I'm starting to use them on irrelevant HSC and event medals from 2 years ago. I recently sold the equivalent of 3000 Cids because I have nothing to use them on! ● Events and the daily aspects have become repetitive and boring because the rewards are the ones mentioned above. People do not need another Cid. We don't want another broom. We need gems, HDLs, Chip & Dales and jewels. ● They haven't caught us up to the story even though everything else is. Issues get burried by short-term solutions which temporarily raise the overall mood (like a speed-up option or draw tickets) but nothing ever gets fixed for good. Instead we get another RNG option added, because why the heck not? The unlucky people who can't spend thousands of Dollars on a game which does nothing to return the investments can stay behind. (That even includes the weekly WJE buyers because it hardly makes a difference.) I am not complaining about VIP getting more than the rest. VIP buyers should feel they are getting their share for the atrocious price of 15$. But even VIP buyers cannot finish every event anymore because it doesn't improve their luck with necessary traits. The game has nothing to do with skill or strategy anymore. I am not expecting strategy levels of Final Fantasy Brave Exvius, but 2-3 years ago we could actually work our way around enemies with different medals and setups. Nowadays you can only win when you slap the newest medals onto your Keyblades with the best traits (i.e. all of them needing ADD, GDD and EA) which is impossible if you didn't draw trait medals galore with them or pulled a medal which currently provides no possibility to obtain trait medals. And better medals come nearly monthly with all the rest becoming useless. Why are people whining about cosmetic stuff first instead of addressing the real problems? I am not saying I wouldn't want this accessory or that, but I want improvements first! What worth has a Nick & Judy medal in the age of Supernova+ medals, except for collection puposes? It's the reason I stopped investing real money months ago. But since it's rude just to complain without offering any methods, here are some ideas which would be simple to implement. ● Offer a quest for farming HDLs effectively. With how many we need, it really doesn't help anyone if not even VIP members get EXP medals. ● Update PVE rewards and remove the skills from the objectives of early quests. We are at the point of having ATK IX Max, so giving out an ATK V or VI Max monthly really shouldn't be an issue or would diminish board sales while helping newcomers out as well. ● Instead of Brooms, Blue Fairies Magic Mirrors and Cids, start developing new helpful support medals. A very good example: the creation of universal trait medals with a specific trait (mostly ADD, GDD and EA) attached. They don't have to be handed out like candy but it would aid so many people if we could use trait medals which are not bound to a specific medal and are not providing a useless trait in 80% of the time because you simply don't have that luck. With how quickly the current meta is replaced, it shouldn't be too much to ask. ● Offer more diverse and actually useful event rewards. Back in the day event medals were useful. Maybe not top tier, but you could manage to get through some events. You have no idea how much I used the HPO medal to turtle my way through tough events. This isn't possible anymore. We have to defeat everything in three turns at most to get all objectives. And we get trait medals as rewards for medals we need to purchase with jewels (like the Organization events which became useless too after the implementation of SN medals). It's not a big deal to stop being lazy and recycle the same things over and over. At a point where Keyblades can reach level 50 in 0.1 steps from 35 onward, it shouldn't be hard to reward more gems. I didn't manage to get a Keyblade past 38 yet because I level them evenly. Perhaps give more avatar parts too which aren't meant to be bought. Some people want a goal to work toward. But they aren't given one because they can't use the rewards they are given. I was a very active player who finished all events back then but nowadays I find it hard to even bother with lots of events because I don't need another Cid or another Magic Mirror. The stuff I need can mainly be bought or is so RNG-based that it takes me forever to get good stuff or it involves a lot of saving. I'm a veteran player. I won't tell people what to demand and what to wish for, but recently I see so many complaints about stuff which is purely cosmetic or merely serves to quench the symptoms instead of treating the disease. KHUx has ceased to provide something new. Which isn't necessarily thst bad if we can still use the things we provide. But most of us don't need the basic rewards. We don't care about PvP because we mainly need the Tier 9 stuff at most at this point. This is exactly what I predicted with the implementation of 7* medals. The medals themselves weren't the issue, the problem is that they make 90% of the rewards we get utterly senseless. And what is even worse is that SE fails to adjust to that accordingly. Just now, we got another event rewarding Cids. Thank you very much KHUx. Whatever will I do without another to add to my ten existing stacks? There is so much more to improve but KHUx currently seems to run down a path of self-destruction. KH3's hype has called back some players but at this point you don't need to be active to finish the 5-15 story quests per month. The important story aspects can be cut down to about a page of dialogue at most. It doesn't invite players to play more because they can be dealt with without the newest medals, too. Not to mention that it shouldn't be an issue to catch us up there. Translations by fans are up within a day or two, fully embedded into the cutscene text bubbles. They caught us up with everything else, but information such as this which is actually important for the understanding of KH3 and beyond gets neglected without an understandable reason. I don't play many gacha games but after I started with FFBE (which isn't known as the most generous game to grace this planet either), the issues KHUx has become all the more prominent. And there doesn't seem to be a desire to fix them. They just throw out the same stuff as always without noticing the mood deteriorating toward rock bottom. And only then do they do some small patches which do nothing to improve the game in the long run. But the fans also need to realize that. There's no use in complaining about small issues which barely scratch the surface at this point. I admire that stamina but it can be put to better use than complaining about purely cosmetic avatar parts. An addition to the unbalanced quest system. The current Shiva event rewards an actually useful gem for the most difficult quest. But I just barely managed to do it because I was hit with a temporary stroke of luck yesterday night. This was my setup and it only shows how ridiculous it is. (The condition for the last quest is that medals need to have one gauge cost or more.) Keyblade: Fairy Stars (level 37, all sub slots filled with tier 4 and above, providing a bonus of roughly x2.7) Pet level: 13 (Max) 1st Slot: SN+ Axel (This one just copies SN Kairi and doesn't deal damage.) (EA, ADD) 2nd Slot: SN Kairi (Useless since she cannot be activated.) (Second Chance.) 3rd Slot: SN+ Monster Sora (EA, GDD, ADD) (ATK VIII Max + Gauge 0.) 4th Slot: SN Pete (EA, GDD, ADD) (ATK VIII Max + Gauge 2) 5th Slot: SN Ven, Terra and Aqua (GDD, ADD, 1000 STR) (ATK VII Max + Gauge 0) Pet: SN+ Key Art 20 (EA, GDD, ADD, 1000 STR) (ATK IX Max + Gauge 0) Friend: SN+ Key Art 19 (EA, GDD, ADD, 1000 STR) (ATK IX Max + Gauge 0) As I said, I had unusual amount of luck with those traits (some of which required over 20 trait medals though which I accumulated over time.) If you look at my other SN medals, you will find loads of terribly traited medals. But such a setup isn't the norm and even with Titan I had to use tons of tries to have Combo I trigger (another RNG factor). This game is purely luck at this point. At first you are happy to finally get KA19 for example only to realize you have no traits to give it, making its uses limited in the tougher events. (And for the rest you won't even need such a strong medal.) SE doesn't need to cater to every need. Certainly not. But you can see people are angry and bored with the game. I don't even need to do much anymore to rank in the top 500 in the weekly rankings when it was real work two years ago. And it doesn't help a game when everyone except newcomers who aren't aware of the problems are ready to get their pitchforks. But hey, at least I can drown my sorrow in my pile of useless support medals.

[louehvolution]

Thst anon insinuating that Louis has happily sold himself for money is beyond disgusting & truly one of the worst things I've read about any of the guys on this hell site. Your response was brilliant & far more articulate & calm then I could have ever been. But one final argument against this reprehensible idea, Louis is making less money than Robbie Williams(fine) but HIS WIFE, who has zero expierience in music!?! Further more Louis would be making considerably more $ touring & making music.

Hi, anon. It really was shockingly awful.

Mhm. The reported number for Robbie and Ayda together is 10M, isn’t it? They were a package deal, and the emphasis is on how much they were after Robbie but that it was Ayda who persuaded him to join, so it’s not clear how much is for each of them. But she would be earning less than Louis’ alleged 4M only if Robbie is getting 7M, so.

Either way. Even if he didn’tmake more money touring and releasing music, don’t people love to go on about the 50M—though, for the record, having a net worth of 50M doesn’t mean literally having 50M in the bank—so why would he need to give up touring and releasing music, which is his hope and dream, for 4M? It’s just so disrespectful to claim that he would choose to not release music and perform—and if he is in control why wouldn’t he have put out at least a single and performed over the first half of this year?—to play a judge on a reality TV show whose viewership and reputation is in a downward spiral, working for his abuser, and endorsing him and his vehicle of exploitation. I don’t understand how it’s something that anyone seriously considers. What more proof of Louis’ artistic and personal integrity do people need? And funny how some people are all about considering the supposed “reward” without considering the cost of all of this for him—professional, personal, and mental.

Louis is an artist, a musician, who wants to share his music, and who wants to perform. And even if he hadn’t decided to be a solo artist, what evidence is there that he would want to be on the show of the man who has done so much to ruin him and others, in a position that is far from artist discovery and nurturing? I find it so bizarre that, thinking of everything he has done and said, few people seem to think that if he had chosen to work behind the scenes, it would be in songwriting? What evidence is there that he has such an interest in A&R outside of the old narrative pushed since 1D to invalidate him as an artist and build parallels and connection to Simon? [The new DM article talks about how out of all of them he was the least likely to go solo because “as he has said, he wasn’t the best singer, or the best songwriter.” And goes on about Simon mentoring him and keeping him in line, and about his fatherhood and losing his mum…] Louis only mentioned mentoring in the context of being asked about the imprint which ties him to Syco and Simon, and for talking points of promoting XF and Simon. But even supposing a real interest, other artists get involved in A&R while still getting to be artists themselves…

Anything to erase Louis an artist and a person, his abuse, and the horrid unfairness of his situation.

[ethompson928]

We are Bulletproof (BTS GANG AU) Part 25

Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

The next level of the building was a lot quieter.  There was no rumble of noise from the guests making small talk, or the light clink of glasses as people toasted and the light music had all but been drowned out by the silence.  There was no click of the stilletos, there was no heavy footprints as guests loitered in the main entrance hall and there was no obnoxious laughs or boastful chuckles that the upperclass men were famous for.  

The floor had been carpeted on this level and there was little to no marble, which almost made it easier to sneak around.  Ally had opted to remove the heels by this point and held them lightly in her left hand and they gently swung as she moved along behind Jimin who strode down the hall, swiftly checking the barrell of the gun he had pulled out of the back of his trousers before holding it tightly in his hand.  He did it almost robotically only looking down the check the chamber and round of bullets before looking up and snapping it closed.  What only should have been a soft click sounded like an erupting volcano in the silence.  They couldn't hear any noise from the party downstairs, all was quiet, just how they wanted it.

The only downside to this mission was there was no comms, they were completely on their own.  Tae had been able to hack his way into the mainframe of the host and quickly secured a ticket for Jimin and his lovely wife under a false alias.  They had an emergency phone which could be used when they needed it, but this mission Namjoon had decided the pair were to go in blind.  Get in, get the contents of the safe, get out.  Simple right.  Jimin had probably done this type of thing more times than Ally had shot a gun...which hadn't been often.  All being said Ally couldn't help but feel a little uneasy about the whole thing.  It was too quiet in the upstsirs hall, there were novguards, no security and theyvwere able to walk about all too freely.  Shrugging it off due to the party requiring a large number of security detail Ally continued to follow Jimin as he followed the lone corridor, making a few choice turns here and there.  Ally was glad he had memorised the map before they came in here and not her, even though she did well in school, her memory wasn't the best when put under a large amount of pressure and she usually crumbled under the horrendous events of exams and pop quizzes.

Jimin finally stopped at a large door with golden handles, freshly polished and a slight smell came off them from the freshly used metal cleaner that had been used that morning prior to the event.  In establishments such as this cleaning was a regular thing and the smell of chemicals and air freshener filled the air.  Jiggling the handle once, Jimin was suprised to find that the door was already unlocked.  Ally tilted her head to the side and curiously looked at the handle before looking back at Jimin, who shrugged with a small smile and allowed her to enter the office first.  The room was quiet and the lights were still on, the red theme continued as the bright coloured carpet made the room seem a lot brighter.  A mahogany desk was at the far end of the room complete with a black office chair currently facing away from them.  

"Excuse me..."  Ally spoke out in her most professional voice as she slowly enetered the room with Jimin closely behind her who closed the door with a silent click.  Observing the room Ally looked for a safe, would it be out in the open or concealed away from prying eyes such as theirs.  No one answered her, so she briefly let down her guard and freely walked further into the room, the knife strapped to her thigh itched at her skin the more she moved.  

"Where do you think it is??"  She whispered to Jimin once he closed the distance between the two of them.  Jimin did a complete 180 and eventually stopped.  Something looked out of place and he waited for Ally to catch on, one of the pictures was crooked and was leaning against the wall rather than hung up against it like the other photos adorning  the walls of the bright office.  Ally with Jimin's help shuffled it to the side revealing the large black metal safe in the wall.  The handle was resting upwards instead of the usual downwards locked position most safes should be in.  Jimin carefully pulled the handle and the safe swung open, it hadn't even been closed properly much to their surpirse the contents of the safe were gone.

"What the hell?"  Jimin muttered under his breath examining the empty safe.  "Where is it?"

Someone had beaten them to it.  Ally turned away from the safe and walked over to the large desk.  As she approached she swung the chair around in preparation to sit in it to search the desk but as she chair spun around it revealed an older man in his late 40's, early 50's slumped against it with a small bullet hole in the centre of his forehead.

Ally let out a startled scream as she scampered backwards, Jimin hearing the noise spun around quickly, gun drawn and safety off in a matter of seconds but realised there was no immediate danger and joined Ally who had covered her mouth with her hand as she looked at the dead man on the chair in front of her.  

"He's dead...someone else has been here."  Jimin said.

Confusion and uncertainty filled the room as the pair stared at the man who lay dead before them. By the looks of his bullet wound and the fresh blood still gently oozing from the hole that now adorned his forehead it seemed that whoever did this had must left. One quick glance around the room was all it took for Ally to notice that the window on the other side of the room looking out onto the street outside the embassy was wide open, the curtains blowing gently in the light breeze thst filled the room. How did they not notice this.

"What happened?" Ally asked quietly as Jimin stalked back over the safe quickly pulling the door back open and giving it another thorough check inside. He banged the side of the wall beside it with his fist making Ally jump.

"Someone beat us here to it." He growled under his breath.

"What was it?" Ally asked gently. She could feel the anger and confusion rolling off Jimin in waves. Not to mention she was slightly scared as she watched the young man in front of her grit his teeth as he turned to look at her sharply.

"Something valuable..." he muttered loud enough for her to hear.

"Jimin, what was in that safe?" Ally asked him moving closer, alarm and concern growing in her eyes as she stared up at him. "Money mainly and a laptop" Jimin answered quite vaguely, his answer was delayed and had a sense of reluctance, as if he didn't want to answer her. She studied him for a long time, getting herself mentally prepared to ask him about his reluctance to answer her question. Jimin was usually very honest and a straight talker and it was so unlike him to not want to answer the question.

As she opened her mouth to ask the burning question a long beeping, siren-esque noise cut her off and she stopped in her tracks looking around the room. A small red light flashing above the door. Jimin acted very quickly grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the door.

"Someon's tripped the alarm switch! We need to get out of here now!"

Jimin grabbed her hand in a firm grip, his knuckles turning almost white. The alarm continued to follow them out into he hall. "Jimin look!" Ally cried pointing forward, Jimin screeching to a stop as they saw a figure dressed in all black from head to toe turn a corner. They didn't have long to contemplatebthis though as the bust of an important figure head beside them shattered to pieces as a bullet cracked it's stone skull open, making the two young adults crouch down. Spinning round Jimin caught a quick glance of the security with guns aimed, poised to kill. Jimin acted on impulse and aimed the gun he still held in a firm grip and fired off three quick shots before grabbing Ally by the arm and pulling her down the hallway as quick as he could muster.  The alarm was still blaring ridiculously loud and Ally could swear her heart was almost beating louder.  Jimin slowed them down as he came to a vacant hallway.  There was no sogns of any guards so he quickly pulled her over to the door with the green light above it showing that it was the fire escape.  Jimin pushed the door open and guided Ally down the long flight of metallic stairs as quietly as they could, you still hear the mental clanging as the heavy footsteps fell upon the ground making the structure vibrate loudly.  Ally thanking her lucky stars she had taken the shoes off as it was near impossible to run and be stealthy as it was never mind wearing heels a certain someone insisted she wear because anything else would be horrendous.  

Once they reached the next floor down Jimin pulled the door open andmlead her out into some sort of private balancy, terrace, garden, courtyard...thing and the pair looked around.  They were all but trapped.  The pair walked over to the ledge and gazed over nervously, a small pool or pond waited at the bottom.  Ally backed up from the edge and looked around as the wind began to whip her hair.  She turned and looked at Jimin who was checking his round of ammunition that remained in the chamber.

"What di we do now?" She asked somewhat skepticly, Jimin gave her a quick glance and returned his eyes to his gun.

"What do you suggest we do?"  He asked non-challantly as if they were just having an everyday conversation.  

"We go back and try to find another way."  She suggested all too quickly.

"Deng.  Wrong.  I bet you now that those armed guards are on the stairway right now coming here to shoot us.  One more, come on."  Jimin told her as he approached her putting his gun in the waistband of this trousers.  

"Well then...realisitcally...there's only one way."  She spoke realising what their only options are, Jimin slowly smiling as he realised she knew what they had to do.  

He held a hand out to her.  "Do you trust me?"  He asked, Ally gave his hand a quick look before giving him her own hand and giving it a tight squeeze.  "Ready?  Now don't stop, just let go and jump."

The two began running, Jimin more or less pulling Ally his tight grip refusing to let go and the closer they got to the edge of the ledge of the roof Ally squeezed her eyes shut and heard the faint slamming of the door opening behind them with a thud against the brick wall.  She felt the breeze overtake her and a small scream slipped out of her mouth and they landed with a splash into the cold pool water.

[3lanca]

I can’t just sit here and wait and do nothing while your here flirting and dming girls & it’s only been a week of this break . This morning I remembered that I had your insta info already saved in my phone so I got the app and went thru it which Ik I shouldn’t have done and it just broke me in pieces seeing the shit I saw . I deleted your account info for the good of it . This break isn’t suppose to give you the opportunity to find someone new well at least that’s what I thought . I don’t want someone new I want you . I want us to work and yes Ik we do need a break but I don’t think it should be for that long . I promise to try and make things different about you & your car and not just think about me .now I understand where your car stands & there’s nothing left for me to do but to respect it & try to have a healthy relationship with your car instead of thinking it’s my competition. I’m sorry for making you feel like you were the only one trying in the relationship . I’m ready to change because I don’t like who I’m becoming . Ik that we have our differences so we need to discuss and make a plan on how we can make it work . Maybe we need take weekends off from one another so we can both have our fun or you can hang with your friends without me being there I want to be happy again and now that I have a real job and have my own money , you can do Watever you want with yours , yes I’m still gonna get in your ass for your money because I care but I’ll let you do it anyways. I was looking forward to do things with you in the summer & Ik I don’t get home till 8 because of work but that’s why there’s weekends & I have no problem going over after work .& I understand that you may feel tired and wanna go to sleep early so I don’t have a problem staying home cause I be tired too. I want to be happy again and I just need to take things into a different perspective . Now idk if you just don’t find me attractive anymore or idk if there’s more to why you wanna leave me . I want you to remind you that you’ve done some fucked up shit to me in the past and I didn’t break up with you because I love you so much and know that we can get thru it . You made me a promise by giving me the ring that you will always be there for me and to always love and take of me . Well I need you the most rn . I need you to give me another chance and show you that we can make it work . At first my intentions was just to come over and give you my last kisses and cuddles and my thoughts on this but then I realize that If I don’t at least tell you this and beg you to give me another chance that I could lose you forever . I’ve gave you a few chances in the past and I want you to give me one more . We both tend to not say some stuff and keep it to ourself and honestly it doesn’t do any good because I’m here thinking that your happy and never in a million years think I was gonna lose you this early , never in a million years did I think you were gonna give up on me . I thought I would be the one giving up on you . All I’m asking for is a chance to show you that we can make this work & thst I can change . Now you don’t have to give me the chance rn or in a couple of days , it can be in a month or so I just need you to promised that we’re gonna get bck together & I hope it’s sooner than later because I can’t do life without you rn & I hope we can try and put in the effort because I want you to be in my life for a long time & if either you or me aren’t feeling it and not happy then we can break up for good cause I don’t wanna force shit . I can’t lose you rn & im sorry for changing but now I wanna change for the better & I hope your also willing to change. I love you so fucking much & this shit fucking hurts & All I ask for is another chance to prove that we can be happy as we once were and hope it continues to stay that way .

[oct0lightsquare]

Uh I

I have a theory

Also, tag for somewhat mentions of suicide below

Spoilers for Undertale Below! Do no proceed beyond this point!:

So ya know In the Undertale Pacifist Run, Flowey goes fucking awol and is intent on killing the player in order to take the human souls and become a God.

But eventually by the end of the Neutral Run he gets defeated. You see him laying like a corpse there by the end while you’re given the chance to either kill him or spare him.

If you’re doing the true pacifist run, you would spare him and Flowey would throw a tantrum asking why the player was being nice to him, why hadn’t the player liked him, why has the player not taken the chance to get rid of something that has been causing them torment and pressure ever since they fell into the underground. Why was Frisk... sparing him..? When no one else would...?

Somehow he has the ability to grow legs, then runs away from the player and it would end the neutral run. Those who played the rest knows how it ends - Flowey would return by the end allowing the player to return to the game and reach the true pacifist route, every last thing is mentioned, everyone but Flowey himself is completely saved.

But if you decide to proceed by killing Flowey, when you choose FIGHT instead MERCY... Flowey is surprised. It’s like.. like he knew it would come some day. That someone with a powerful human soul like Frisk would either fail and give Flowey the chance to escape and become the True GOD, the human would die at the hands of Asgore, leaving another human soul for the monsters to break through the barrier and take forth the surface, or the human would succeed in killing Asgore, escape the underground themselves, and leave the monsters - including Flowey - begins. To Flowey, each ending - besides him becoming a God - seems like a bad ending. At least for him. And here’s my theory.

Flowey knows each of these is a bad ending, because not one of them ends nicely for him. We know Flowey is a heartless and cruel creature, right? He tries to kill Frisk just as the human falls down, he whispers horrible messages into Papyrus’ head, he bets Muffet - knowing she’ll probably accept for the future of spider kind - a huge span of money if she was able to get your SOUL.

The previous endings about - none of them are beneficial for Flowey. The human dying at the hands of Asgore could be beneficial, but that would only be if Asgore would be at low health, and Flowey would be able to kill him and take his soul. Obviously that wouldn’t be the case since Asgore won the battle - meaning Frisk most likely didn’t fight back. And with the monsters breaking free, with them breaking through the barrier, with them finally becoming free and escaping their long held prison, no one would ever think to find Flowey, pick him up and take him with them. Not after all he’s done.

The other ending - where Frisk kills Asgore instead and takes his SOUL and leaves the underground - resulting in a neutral run - means that Flowey (along with the other monsters) would continue to be stuck underground. We remember the end of the genocide route, right? Where Frisk kills Flowey? Since Flowey can activate things such as the Save Files and the ability to load and reload, and the fact that he basically described the fake meaning of love just to gain some from Frisk and get their soul, that Flowey knows how much LV Frisk has. That Frisk is so far gone that he knows Chara probably wouldn’t answer him if he tried. Still, he tries to gain Chara’s attention, tries to give Chara the idea of sparing him, give them the idea that if they were to spare him, they would get more help then needed and they could be partners once more. However, Frisk doesn’t allow it as they force Chara to kill he brother until he is nothing but ashes. So since we already know how Flowey would react to Frisk if they were to go genocide, we know he would be nervous and anxious around them if they were neutral. Flowey knows that since Asgore didn’t collect the human soul, that Frisk has hsir soul intact and is able to escape the barrier and return to the surface with both their and Asgore’s soul, that Flowey wouldn’t stand a chance against them. Therefore, Frisk returns to the surface and Flowey is left down with the other monsters once again as Undyne takes rule.

So obviously this doesn’t make a lot of sense and you’re asking me stuff like - how does this add up? Why does this matter? What is your point? My point - my theory is that - Flowey wants to die.

Now before you fight me on this, I have evidence:

By the end of the Pacifist/Neutral Run, we see Flowey generally confused when Frisk spares him. He begins to question the child’s actions, only to become more harsher to the point of threatening Frisk that if they weren’t to kill him now, just to think of all the awful stuff they could do in the future. How much pain and misery they could bring to others. How much sorrow they could cause in Frisk’s life, and how they could easily gain the human souls and make Frisk’s life hell once more.

Not only this, but Flowey speaks of himself awfully as if... he’s used to it. We know he isn’t here anymore, he’s dead, and all that’s left is a sorrowless, soulless husk inside of a plant body. Plus, with the amount of time since his death, with the amount of time the monsters have been underground, Flowey has seen enough humans fall down, enough times trying to gain their souls, that he’s probably used to being called an evil flower. That he’s so used to it, that he himself has started calling him self a murderer, a vengeful killer, a genocidal maniac. So using that to get Frisk to kill him wouldn’t bother him in the slightest, believing that with enough pushing Frisk would decide to kill Flowey and spare the lives of the underground by getting rid of the demon once and for all.

But reread what is said again, because I’m about to make sense of it all as I possibly can: It seems as though that Flowey might have some human left in him, but that’s not the case- the method up above is Flowey’s own way of persuading Frisk to kill him. To not help the underground, but to help him.

Before I explain more, another piece of evidence would be in the final moments if you decide to kill Flowey rather than spare him. Once you pick the choice, Flowey smiles brightly - almost sadistic - and cheers Frisk on with a cheery “I knew you had it in you!”. Flowey seems to be satisfied and somewhat proud that Frisk has made the decision to kill him.

And finally the last piece of evidence would be his last words by the end of the Pacifist run. Once he frees all the monsters and destroys the barrier and gives everyone their own soul back, he explains what will happen after everything he just did - “In a few moments I’ll go back to being a flower. I’ll lose the ability to love other people.”. He makes it known that it was awful being a flower - and understandably from what has happened so far, it probably is. When we all first met Flowey, when he showed his true intention, we thought of him as this evil prick of a flower. This heartless bastard with no sympathy or care for anyone in the world. And although Flowey might not care for that, although he might be used to it by now, you know who would care for it?

Him. Asriel Dreemurr.

We know that from the use of the genocide ending, when Asriel reveals he is Flowey and begs for Frisk not to kill him, that Asriel probably still has consciousness inside of Flowey’s body. And at the Pacifist ending, he reveals that he knew what was happening throughout while a flower and even knows enough to describe it as awful and horrible. How horrible he was - how Flowey was - to the ones he loves and cared for. So, during his time in the underground along with the falling of the human children, Flowey has probably heard enough slurs and back talk from Toriel who saved the children from Flowey, has heard slurs from Sans. And although it may not bother him as much, if Asriel may still have some consciousness inside of him, then Asriel can hear what they’re saying. Of what they’re saying about Flowey - about him.

Since Asriel sees himself as Flowey, then he would probably think that those slurs and insults are being directed at him, which sort of, they kind of are. And do you know how much pressure, how much harm that could do to a child? A child thst’s already been deprived of their future, of a lifetime of memories and been forced into the life of a soulless being. Can you imagine how Asriel might feel to hear his mother speak of him like that? To hear his past friends, speak of him like he was nothing?

There is no denying it that Asriel could have cracked while being Flowey. No one has observed it because Flowey always hides out until Asgore’s battle where he kills him and takes the souls.

So it would make sense - and don’t take this out of context - for Asriel to believe this way. To believe that he deserves to be killed; for all the crimes that’s been done to his family, his friends, his subjects. All the pain he - as Flowey - has put the entire underground through. Asriel could most likely blame himself for the death of the human children that fell down - Asgore started killing every human child that fell down because of the grief over his children’s demise. That much pressure, that much grief and regret, it’s no wonder Asriel might be feeling these things.

And once the final child falls down, once Flowey’s only resolution is to take their soul instead and become god otherwise his existence is pointless, once Frisk wins against Flowey, once Flowey sees that Frisk still has their soul intact...

Flowey gives up. He gives up his “life”, his journey, his mission to become a god. He doesn’t believe it’s possible anymore. The human child won. The child was able to survive every possible throw the flower launched at him, no matter what the child went through, with DETERMINATION they were able to succeed. And with that, Flowey has no choice.

By that time, after all the SOULS escaped from his body, after his omega form completely trashed his “body”, he’s too weak to even fight against Frisk. Sure, throw a couple of insults here and there, but no real physical fighting occurs. That’s because Flowey gave up, he gave up on trying to fight against Frisk, he accepted that Frisk won and thought that for victory, for the safety of every monster in the underground, it would be safe enough to kill him right then and there.

And yet, Frisk allows Flowey to live on, to which Flowey’s obviously confused. But for what exactly? What else is there to live for? He failed at his goal to become all-powerful, and to have that all soiled by a stupid child that fell into the underground by accident, a child that Flowey could have had the SOUL of, could have become powerful with and escape the underground, could have severely damaged his pride. And by this point, Flowey knows what happens now. Frisk will either leave the underground with the monster king’s soul, or bring the entire monster community with them and free the underground. Without Flowey. Flowey will be alone, and this time for good.

But Asriel. Asriel probably feels like he deserves this. Like he deserves to be killed. With all the regret that’s built up inside of him, all the rage he let out during the Omega Flowey battle, probably left him numb and dull. He didn’t decide to fight back against Frisk anymore, he just wanted to end it all. He’s rather be dead then be hated and abandoned and left alone forever once again. And to have a human like Frisk, SPARE someone like them. It could do a lot to Asriel. And all that emotion Flowey felt, and since Flowey’s a heartless being, it’s most likely some of Asriel’s traits popped through. It’s possible Asriel was too shocked and confused by Frisk’s choice that he couldn’t take it. He had to run away.

Now, I could be completely wrong on this. But this is just. A theory of mine and I have no intention of it being real or fake. I honestly don’t care.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

I'm so happy to hear the kids abducted to Hong Kong got to hear and see and talk to their hero that saved them today through Zoom in Brian's phone!!!

It was so lucky and such perfect timing that he called me today while the military crews were still resting in China and Wendy was able to pinpoint their locations directly!!

He truly is their Hero and we are so lucky!

I have dreamed about him for years and for years have been waking up from nightmares telling Brian McGruff is a bad dog... But always the dream would be gone when i woke up or it was before it started happening and no one knew

I even had a feeling when I ordered the kits... So I'm not sure how these kids feel through the cracks because they were on my soul to save.

I also didn't know know about human trafficking like I do now, so I think the whole "Sabrina you just have a bad feeling because it reminds you what could happen..." Is how

A few other companies, too... I had a whole list. So Thorn is gonna check that out.

It just takes one person to prove a mood. I had a list of 17 companies that day then 26 more over the next week that I had this nag on while I was "picking on" Crime the McGruff Dog

Since I kept saying it that way in 2016 and I never ever messed up his name before they took down a list of companies associated with him according to my feelings and it was an unusual list.

So this man has likely saved nearly 30 times as many children as he could have hoped.

We will soon find out. In return he's to receive a mansion an economically stable brand new automobile. Fully paid.

Because I've dreamed of him, his voice and everything. He truly is an Earth Angel.

For nearly half a decade he's been the solution to my night terrors. I know why ask those children cried. I want to cry, too, And my tears are warm.

The children were mutated and mutilated. Arms cut off and sewn onto their foreheads and given all sorts of horrible viruses and drugs.

Tree just gave them their own fresh bodies. Replicas. Some back to the age/look they were kidnapped at, some slightly grown, according to the agreement between child and parent whichever they liked the sound of best, the child's preference being the ultimate decision maker. Their DNA4U will state and show they are replicated due to the reasons of faster healing and less overall damage that would cause future problems plus they got upgrades like bullet proofing, extra speed, strength increases, stuff like that. And extra extra heavy COVID19 instead of 3 feet you'll get it at 10 feet bad enough to kill you nearly instantly.

But they were horribly mistreated, starving, mental and physical torture, so much.

So I know to talk to the one rare person in the World that could save them and did was certainly very good heart and soul medicine.

So I'm glad he called me again and I didn't answer and Brian called back from the plane.

Yes of course. He flew to Enid then China then Hong Kong... You can make a man retire but you can't ever make a man quit. And I'm glad. Just so those kids could talk to their hero.

So lucky. Of all the hundreds of people working there he's been there only 6 months. And he took that initiative to just check...

Today living kids was 443.

Dead was 198,675 which tree ghosted back to life. (Gave new bodies)

Nearly a quarter of a million children.

Times 3 is 600k then add a zero. Looking at maybe 6 million kids and young adults...

Tree estimates 400M

So a huge round of applause and a right tight hug.

And he deserves amazing amounts of pats on the back because that list would just sat around keeping dusty.

This is that old fashioned detective work like sitting at a gas meter while some one is down trying to find out how to save people (aliens included) from dying in a gas chamber and they're up there making sure that gas isn't turned on to kill the girl doing all the work -- he couldn't hear people downstairs through the street and i could get the truth out easier and faster before they even knew and I was always happy to get the news while he was just mad and angry. So i was the better to go. Cause everyone was always happy to see me. Cause I was always super nice and all interested in what they were doing.

Now unfortunately not so much.

But Charles was starting to get nightmares after my list and had came up with 14 more companies from coming from the same way i had came up with my list... So he talked to some the other people that felt creeped out about the assignment I insisted on doing and they also all added each two and then some kept a private list... Which they slowly added after verifying the company was then clean.. It started in 2013 these bad dreams.

So every time it happened or they started their nightmares they added to the list.

Overall 642 companies we dreamed of or felt or somehow had a psychic connection to. I dreamed of kids and old people and women. Some people only dreamed about men. Some just kids.

The companies we have left is 642 to check out as they hadn't had yet done any bad and no dreams or any thing has came up since...

Which isn't happy, we now know, but good news is whatever bad has happened we can fix is super special and magical ways.

So we have Thorn, CIA, Military, some FBI and some others to check what's been going on and see.

So that's about 8 Trillion that have been affected. But at least 6 Trillion have already been retrieved.

So this one single person has done the miraculous. The biggest miracle we have been waiting for on a personal level. For me its been 7 years but 6 since 9 other people started having their dreams affected and the lists began.

So 10 of us with nightmares. Night terrors. Waking up screaming or shaking or scared. And not knowing why but having a name, a company label. Sometimes or often a place on a map... As close to the actual GPS coordinates of longitude and latitude. Wake up listing numbers for no reason. Numbers that make no sense N 316941027865389421. Over and over.

Brian would look at me "what the fuck are you trying to do Morse code?"

"I'm trying to sleep thank you very much. Alan and Naomi. 38652361 I think you just messed me up"

One person. One person can make a difference. That's all it takes. One person.

One person to make sense of all these nightmares.

We don't need to be saved from them... They didn't bother so much... We could wake up. Be safe in our beds. Joke it out.

But there's people. Innocent children. Innocent adults that wake up into real living nightmares every single day.

And one person today made the phone call to make thst difference to about 200,000 kids and over 400,000 parents. And siblings and grandparents. Friends.

Just today he changed the world for at least a million whom now have a missing child come home.

Made one million hearts smile and backs release tension and sorrow.

And now we're looking at 2 trillion lost people. Who have kids. Who have parents. Grandparents. Friends.

Were gonna have at least 6 trillion hearts heal then there's soulmates so that's gonna be 12 trillion

Due to one phone call. That was all I needed.

I had heard him say he couldn't find his soulmate... And he didn't go trying to save her or find her today

He knew it was just kids.

But he knew it was missing kids because the people getting ID kits were told not to call the police only call the dog. He could see clearly kids were being abducted and they had a rating system on "easy to kidnap to hard" and the easy were always reported within weeks.

He knew it was his civil duty to call and report it somehow... But he didn't know to who or how.. Who would take it seriously.

This crazy lady might...

Im very sensitive to red flags. He didn't even have to explain. I was already on it in less than 2 minutes.

So the world is so lucky to have him and the kids today so lucky to be in Hong Kong when we just busted 600k China's citizens home.

I mean you can't get more miraculous than that!!

You would think...

But leave it to the true McGruff the Crime Dog to make sure it did.

Because it did.

Tree will update us later how extremely far this miracle went

From one person hoping and praying and taking that leap of faith.... After 10 following their true instincts and intuition.

Intuition is so important you guys. If you hadn't understood why i hope now you finally get it.

Last night I trusted mine and we pulled 13 million from slavery. That's 26 million directly affected with soulmate syndrome. Then parents that makes it times two. So 52 million then grandparents and kids...

Then one person trusted his. And kaboom an estimated 12 Trillion frowns are gonna turn upside down.

Then we are getting these bad guys off the streets, out of their homes, immediately. Hopefully they're checked thoroughly and then killed. I'm done with this baby sitting shit. Back to good ole South Texas and manual strangulation in vans after being kidnapped...but now technology has made it so much different. Much simpler to catch someone in the act. And fuck this court system, it's WWIII. Its military. We will find them guilty without a reasonable doubt and simply kill them.

There is no fucking reason over 18 million people were kidnapped in late 2019 (after October) or in any fucking time in 2020.

What is the point of a trial? Those people whom went to jail in 1990 for 20 years for kidnapping are doing it again. I sent 700 to jail. 36 are actively kidnapping. 642 are financially benefiting. The remaining are probably dead. 12 people.

Tree says i make him laugh. They are dead.

So out of 700 they're dead or kidnapping or in the human trafficking market.

So, there is No change and no Rehabilitation. There is PROOF.

So human trafficking ass holes y'all can thank those 688. Because now you're all just gonna fucking die.

What are you gonna do to me? Not a dam thing. That's what. So think about bull shit. Cry about your stupid life. I don't care.

But I'm taking all your money to pay the victims and im killing you, human traffickers.

And you ain't doing shit about it.

And those about to be trying to hurt someone to retaliate. I already put alerts on you.

So when you're pushed out a plane in the middle of no where so wild animals can eat you... Well don't complain to me. Animals need to eat, too

And surviving good humans. Don't worry... When the bodies hit the ground. They pretty much explode so they're just ground meat basically and bones crush and they wre just big piles of food. They don't look human

So some bear isnt going to come out the mountains and be all "man I just ate something that looked like you and was mighty tastey!" The bodies are unrecognizable.

If you're curious... Idk if you still can.. We used to can look up bodies that had been tossed or jumped out of Windows. Back in 2000 I found a website and I would go through and examine them and see which were pushed and which had jumped

I could tell the difference. Anyway if they're in Google you'll see they don't look human. They're pretty gross -- some do -- so ew be careful but from the plane height trust me they do not.

And its very careful with software to show no damage to trees or animals will occur.. And the software is very intelligent and cautious and only certain types of people can access it. Like a kidnapper can't turn on the computer and see where and how. But a Clark Kent or Louis Lane or someone can. But if an evil Donald Trump sits down next to, the software will shut down. Immediately. And lock out any user until hes removed.

I'm not fucking dumb. Sometimes I just don't know what to do and Need an Earth Angel to make one phone call

Or a guilty person to confess. Or a clue. A bad dream. A nightmare in my sleep. Or being in the right place at the right time. Like when the kidnappers gas up at night at the gas station.

Otherwise I'm fucking brilliant. Overprotective and caring.

So any one tries to dump innocent people out of planes, the door simply will not open. Magic it is called. Its already happened. And it will not happen again.

Anyway for all the 007 Peirces that can stab so hard it hurts and heals at the same time.

This one is for you.

Thank you!

Lets really bust a move on that intuition. Its a life saver.

Man we are so so so so so so lucky today!!!

I couldn't be more thank ful!!

All of our military and cops that are ready and qualified and remember how to rescue from bunkers.

We need y'all. Don't forget to stay safe and well.

And our essientals and just our stay homers.

And beach goers.

[bettydgunter90]

Sending Offers In My Sleep

In my first few years as a real estate investor, there were a few things that chewed up a TON of my time each day:

Talking to prospects on the phone.

Researching properties so I could make offers.

Deciding on an offer price, writing up the contract and sending it to the seller.

Altogether, these wheel-spinning, time-wasting, mind-numbing activities consumed about 80% of my time and mental bandwidth.

The problem with this approach is, my business model requires me to make very low offers.

Given how absurdly low my offers are, the vast majority of prospects are going to say “No” to me – and when this inevitably happens, it means all the time I spent up to this point of rejection was a total waste.

With everything I was doing BEFORE making each offer and being told in no uncertain terms “where to stick it”, it’s no wonder I was left feeling mentally and emotionally drained every time I heard a “No” response. I was wasting an incredible amount of time and was left with nothing to show for all of my work.

I was burnt out and I knew something had to change.

I needed a faster way to get each seller’s response WITHOUT wasting endless hours in the process.

The Buying Website

Eventually, I created a buying website for my business (and to this day, it’s one of the smartest things I’ve ever done for myself).

With this website, I was able to get most of the information I needed on each property without picking up the phone and I was able to do the bulk of my property research AFTER I had made my initial offer and the seller had responded with a “YES” to my proposal.

Instead of sending out a formal purchase agreement to each property owner, I could simply respond to each website submission with an email like this:

Hi <<Seller Name>>,

Thanks for your submission on our website! Would you consider selling your property for $______ cash? We are willing to pay for all of your closing costs and property taxes as part of the transaction.

If you have any interest, let me know.

Thanks! Seth

This was a huge development for my business because it cut out a TON of wasted time in my acquisition process.

It took me a whopping 30 seconds to send out offers this way (instead of the 30 – 60 minutes I was spending before).

But even so, I still found it a bit onerous to:

Open up every email submission that came in

Evaluate whether I wanted to make an offer based on the market value and level of motivation

Type out a nice email to let the property owner about my offer

Read the angry email responses that came back from more than half of the property owners

Now, I realize, we’re getting into “first world problems” territory – but even so, I knew there had to be a faster way to get these “email offers” sent out to people…

…and as it turned out, there was!

Enter TextExpander

One of the greatest pieces of software I use on my computer every day is a web app called TextExpander.

TextExpander allows me to use “snippets” that generate pre-saved emails, messages and other commonly used strings of text I type out every day.

Rather than re-typing these entire messages from scratch, I can just type out a short snippet (usually just a few letters) and TextExpander will pop-out the entire message for me.

RELATED: A Simple App That Changed My Life

An email that might normally take 5 – 10 minutes to write can be done in a matter of seconds. It’s pretty incredible!

But even so… I still had to open up every individual website submission, look at them and send out email offers based on a small fraction of what they told me the property was worth.

Don’t get me wrong… the process was significantly faster with TextExpander, but it still required that I pay attention.

I kept wishing there was a way for these offers to go out automatically, even if I was sleeping.

Enter REI Landleads

Back in early 2019, I heard from my friend Jessey who had started a company called REI Conversion.

He was in the process of building some incredible WordPress themes for land investors (I’m not exaggerating, check out this blog post and this blog post and you’ll see what I mean).

I had never seen a good web developer put so much energy into creating something like this for the land investing community before (because admittedly, we’re a small bunch). I saw this as a great opportunity to offer some ideas and feedback about how to build these themes right.

Luckily, he was actually interested in my input, so we put our heads together to make some of the most functional WordPress themes the real estate investing world has ever seen. These things aren’t just pretty, they’re built to do a job that no other WordPress theme can do!

One such example is the Automated Offers plugin (available only for REI Landleads users).

I explained to Jessey how I had always wanted a website that was smart enough to accept property submissions AND send out offers automatically so that EVERYONE who submits their property on my website would get an offer from me after a short delay. This would give my visitors the impression that they were being heard and responded to, and none of these submissions would fall between the cracks of my busy life.

Now, instead of me having to look at each individual submission and send them an offer manually, everything happens on autopilot.

Does it Work?

After running this plugin on my site for several months, I’ve been pretty surprised at how well it works.

The offers always go out like clockwork (I have it calibrated to wait for 60 minutes after receiving the submission before it sends each offer).

As expected, the vast majority of these auto-generated offers are either ignored, or the recipients will email back some kind of incredulous response.

“Insulting.”

“NO THANKS”

“Did you mean $46,000 or $4,600??”

“Are you high ?  seriously  $16.200  you trying to make your self a $165,000 profit ? why dont you just slap me in the face . You know as well as I do , that down here lake front property is money in the bank . Thst land is worth $180.000.”

(Like I said… I make low offers.)

But, the cool thing is – even with these negative responses, some of these people are happy to sell (again, as expected).

Remember, this is a numbers game. Most people aren’t the right fit for these kinds of low offers, but some of them are – and that’s who I’m looking for!

These are some of the actual responses I’ve gotten back from people:

“I’m ready right now.”

“I accept your offer.”

“I am willing to take your offer into consideration, although it’s two times lower than what I am willing to accept. Is it possible for you to offer $1,250 plus payments of $150 per month?”

The point is – ALL of these responses, whether the answer was “yes”, “no” or “maybe”, didn’t require one second of my time.

I was able to get real answers from people without spending any of my precious time or energy because the Automated Offers plugin did it for me.

What Happens When Everyone Gets an Offer?

The great thing about this kind of automation is that everyone gets an offer.

The only bad thing about it is that everyone gets an offer. 🙂

Obviously, if you send an offer to everyone, you’ll inevitably send offers on properties you don’t actually want (and it goes without saying, at least 90% of the offers you send out will either be ignored or they’ll be met with an angry response – especially if your offers are as low as mine).

The good news is, these “offers” generally don’t function as legally binding contracts that force you to move forward with the purchase.

I’m not making any promises to buy their property

I’m not signing anything

The property owner isn’t signing anything

I’m not putting down any kind of earnest deposit

This is literally just an email inquiry to ask what their response would be if they were presented with a low cash offer for their property.

Whatever their response is, you’re allowed to say “no thanks” if the property doesn’t suit you.

When I encounter this, I usually respond with an email like this:

Hi <<First Name>>,

Unfortunately, after looking closer at the specifics of this property, it doesn’t quite fit the profile of what we’re looking for and as such, we won’t be able to proceed with purchasing this property.

I apologize for any inconvenience and wish you all the best in getting your property sold ASAP.

Best regards, Seth

If you’re strapped for time like I usually am, do yourself a favor and start using ANY of the ideas listed above to stop wasting time in your acquisition process.

REI Landleads is probably the most expensive way to accomplish this (and I’ll admit, it’s a huge luxury), but it’s not the only way to get the job done.

Simply having a buying website where people can submit their properties 24/7, and other time-saving tools like TextExpander will go a LONG way in maintaining your sanity.

Life’s too short to waste your precious hours talking with prospects who are just going to tell you to “take a hike” in the end.

If you end up using any of these ideas in your business, let me know about it in the comments below! I’d love to hear how it’s helping in your workflow.

The post Sending Offers In My Sleep appeared first on REtipster.

from Real Estate Tips https://retipster.com/offersinmysleep/

[dancingoddess]

Tibb’s Eve

There's a tradition on the eve of Christmas Eve that is upheld by Newfies called Tibb's eve. It is a night of drinking and eating with close friends and family. Playing games and laughing around the table. 

When I got home after a long 8.5 hour shift that night, I was greeted at the floor to a cloud of smoke, and laughter at the table. My landlords, in from out of town, decided to uphold the tradition and have people over while I was out. It was mostly my roommate's friends over, having drinks and smoking with them, trying to organize a game of Cards Against Humanity. The game died out long before I got home, but they were trying.

I was told to pour myself a drink from the mini bar that was set out in the kitchen.  Instead of staying in my room, I changed into clothing that was comfortable, grabbed my favourite mug, and poured myself a weak rum and Pepsi, and joined in on the fun. I thought I locked my bedroom door when I joined the party. I had gotten into a habit of doing so when I wasn't in my room. With the roommate's friends being here all the time, I wanted to make sure that no one was tempted to go into my room and take something that didn't belong to them. Someone had already taken the Bong Bible book I had bought as a lark a while back, so being extra cautious, bordering on paranoia was my recent trend when others were over. I thought I had also grabbed the key to my room as well, stuffing it into my pocket along with a lighter and extra provisions. I didn't want a repeat of the time I came home to find myself locked out of my room. As the party was winding down, and thoughts of sleep entered my brain, I went to go to my room... and couldn't find the key in my pocket. Crap. In the state my mind was in, I thought I locked myself out. Again.

With no choice of going to sleep, and the panic of having to pay yet another locksmith in my mind, I went back to our livingroom to join the others who were still partying, and tried to come up with a plan.

It didn't even occur to me that I had two friends who had keys to my place and room should such an event occured.

By this point, my male landlord was still up, smoking and drinking. His counterpart was catching a few winks before they went to pick up a friend getting into the city late. Almost everyone else had already either left, or found a place to crash on our floor. Longing for sleep that I knew wasn't going to happen anytime soon, I started my conversation with him. I decided I would wait until his partner got up to break the news, hoping they would lend me the money to get a locksmith in by3 am Christmas Eve. I knew I would have money coming to me in the form of presents from my Dad that would hopefully cover the exhorbant fee that it would take to unlock my door. I was hoping by then the smell of smoke would be gone so that I didn't have the locksmith get second hand high.

It had been months since we last talked about things that weren't apartment or roommate related. Our last conversation hadn't been the best in November. I had moved into the place in September, and still had things in the livingroom that had needed to go into storage. Between my depression and bad back, I had stalled that trip out to my Dad's for far too long for their comfort. It caused bad feelings between him and I. I had eventually gotten help in the form of friends with better vehicles than I, but I had chosen to stay clear of talking to him about anything, dealing with things as they went on my own.

And a lot of things happened during that time.

It could have been the combination of dealing with crappy customers, best friend going for gender reassignment surgery, the booze, or some other thing, but I spilled my guts thst night. I started talking about our work peeps. While he lived in another province now, he knew the same people I did from work. In the last few months, I've been the go to person for a couple of friends to talk to. I was fine with that; it kept the doom of my own problems off my mind, though I saw similarities between my issues and theirs. I didn't indulge the more heavy parts of their woes. They weren't my secrets to share. It felt nice to talk about them though; it helped me transition into my own troubles. Before you know it, I was talking about my woes as well. He listened to me talk of our mutual friend going through gender reassignment surgery. Of how I started smoking cigarettes. Of how I felt a close person was pulling away.

The last one was a secret fear I have had for months.  Between friends I trusted not able to chat about it, and dealing with the other things in my life, I kept so much in.  I was ready to get it out.  Even though I had never really talked to him much about my lovelife, he heard enough to know what I was about.   Over a year ago, he gave me advice that I didn't take seriously. It was to simplify my life. Being a complex person, with so much on the go, I needed to make things more simple. He wasnt sure how to do that, but I think I understand now.

He also gave me another piece of advice, born out of love; if someone wants to be with you, they will.  Nothing can stop them from figuring out a way.  

He was of course referring to the current predicament. I had been “seeing” someone for over a year now.  I was still free to date other men, as he didn't have a lot of time to devote to it.  He was going through major life changes.  I was content to be there for him, in whatever capacity he needed me to be in.  I had been hoping to have a conversation in earnest with him about it all.  About how I had slowly let things drop between other guys and myself.  Because I didn't want anyone else.  

I wanted him.  

I was willing to give him all the time he needed for us to try this out.  In the months prior to Tibb's Eve, I could count the times I saw him on one hand. He just cancelled plans we had the day before to celebrate my birthday with dinner I was going to make.  That month alone, I saw him once.  I missed him terribly, but I was trapped in my own fear of making it worse.  

The volume of conversation was dropping off, and it was hurting me. There had been other times while we were together that this happened; in fact, around this time last year, we had been only seeing each other for a month before he said he needed time by himself to process it all.  I let him have the time alone, because I understood all too well how overwhelming things get in the day to day.  I get wrapped up in work or another issue, and I don't make the time I would like to do anything else.  

His words hit hard.  But the truth hit harder.  

He suggested as this was a downtime for us, leave it at that.  

After the heavy conversation, I found out my bedroom door had actually been open the entire time.  Turns out I didn't lock it.  If that wasn't a sign I needed to have that conversation, nothing is.  

I tried to put it aside as I worked that week.  All it did was make me worry, and smoke more.  

It didn't help that I was late.  The last time I was as late as I was, was back when I got pregnant.  I felt like Schronger's cat for the week after.  I was pregnant, yet not pregnant.  

Finally, after a week of hell, I knew the answer.  Not pregnant.  But feeling alone.  

I decided I needed to know what was going on, so I reached out to him, in hopes that if he missed me too, we would talk.  I hoped to make plans with him to see him again, and lay things out from my perspective.  

That was when he told me that while I was a good person, and he thanked me for helping him through a difficult time, he was ready to move on. Without me.  

And like that, it was done.  He was going to move on and date people. Me, I was going to take the time for myself again.  Alone this time.

It's been now a week since the split, if one can call it that, and over a month since the last time I've had physical contact of any sort with anyone.  I've decided I owed it to myself to take the time and reflect, learn and grow from the many experiences I've had.  If I was to have sex right now, it would be destructive in so many ways.  I would not only hurt the person I was with, but I would hurt myself.  

Unlike last time around, I've developed a cigarette habit.  When I reflect the last time I tried to date, I ended up using harsher substances that that.  It took me over a year to crawl out of that white substance hell hole.  While it is hard to compare the two, I feel like I've done better this time around.  Now, to kick the habit, and work on me.  

As I try to make sense of everything the next bit, I hope to channel my inner frustration into writing.  I started getting back into crafts, making an AT-AT Walker and a few painted boxes.  Hopefully, in time I can look at this time as yet another learning experince.  To learn to trust, and to love again.  To let the next person behind the wall I have erected up from the outside world.  And, at the end of the day, someone who makes me smile.  

While I might have thought he was right for me, he really wasn't.  He's never seen behind those walls I've kept up for so long.  I never met his friends, though he met a few of mine.  He will still be a tough act to follow; I really did care about him.  One day, I hope to look back on this and smile.  There were some great times.  Some not so great times too, but great times.  I only hope that one day, I'm not a liar when I smile.

[loi-et-love]

Bunny Boy called.

It was around 5 in the morning there. It started like this:

I answered and said: you should be asleep.

BB: sup?

I: umm.. i was about to read this article in the paper......

BB: I meant about us

I: how would I know 'sup' means about us...

The next thing he said was astonishing. He said, "I know I haven't said this to you. I may have typed it. But, I haven't said it to you. So I am going to say it Adi__ 'I love you'”

I am silent. He says it again. "I love you"

He obviously wants me to say it too but i don't know. I don't want to. Not now. But I say something unimportant before I say, "I love you too."

He goes on saying so many things like:-

BB: I can smell your hair. Your skin's so soft. When I hugged you.. the smell of your neck. I miss how your hair smells. Your smile. Your nose.

BB: you have no idea how much I'm loving hearing your voice now.

BB: I was at the ocean the other day. Listening to the sound of the waves and feeling the breeze. And I thought about you like I never have before. (He laughs) and I felt like fuck! I'm fucked. Never ever thought about you like that. Ever.

BB: I didn't want to leave Dan for you cause if I can leave her for you then I can leave you for somebody. And that's immoral. I cannot do that to you. I am not a nice guy. The good guy. Did you know I cheated on Dan? Thrice? Well, four times?

I am not a nice person, a good person or a good boyfriend. I just want to tell u that. I haven't been a good with any of the girls.. I have been with many girls. And I cannot treat you like that. I cannot do thst with you what I did to them. You need to decide if you still want to be with me after knowing this.

I: it's far fetched. We cannot do the long distance anyway. So well cross the bridge when we'll get there. At least for a year or two, give or take, I can't leave. So why bother about it now?

BB: oh god.. how practical....

I: well you fell for this fucked up woman who is more practical than emotions so now deal with it.

BB: when I had the talk with Dan, she said that I need to face the truth. Even she knew that we aren't going to last.

I: well you are not the only one to blame here. If you didn't break up with her sooner because you weren't happy, then even she didn't! And I am not saying this just now, in this moment to make you feel better but I have always thought this. She didn't break up with you either when she should've. And she would've if she would've been a strong hearted, self-respecting girl.

BB: I cannot do long-distance again. I just cannot. So you have to decide. Can you wait for me? To be together when we are in the same place? Cause we need to be in the same place to be together. I cannot do the long distance relationship again.

I: I am not asking you to do the long distance relationship. I don't like it and I won't do it either.

BB: we need to find a way to be in the same place. I need to find a way to come back there.

I: No no no.. you cannot come back here. No!

BB: can you come here?

I: not now. Not in a few years at least. I need to make some money, save it and then I can.

BB: you can get student loans here.

I: I can't do that. Cannot leave now.

BB: We need to be in the same place because long distance never works!

I: Let’s just slow down here for a second. okay? And just be normal and go on with out lives for a few years. Alright? We’ll stay friends and....

BB: Oh God.. Friends??!!!! (As if he cannot do that anymore)

BB: I was in the Ninth grade. I was 15 when I met you.

I: 14

BB: okay 14 (giggles)

I: more like 13

BB: I wasn't 13!!!!!

I: okay okay 14..

BB: I was 14 and I met you... and I wanted to know more about you. And then I found more about you and wanted to know more. And then I fell in love with your face. The way you smile. The smell of your hair. Your soft skin. You know, it was like Adi__ is the best friend I have. And it didn't take a split second for it to turn into I love you.

BB: why are you so perfect, Adu?!!!

BB: why didn't we date before?

I: because you would've done something stupid like cheating on me and the self-respecting woman that I mean I would've left you and that would be it!!

BB: nooo it would've ended because of your issues.

I: what issues?

BB: you running off..

I: I still have those alright?

BB: I would never cheat on you, Adi__. I could never do that to you

BB: all the time at B Fort and at B stand, when I would walk beside you I wanted to pull you close and just hold you there.

I: I wish you would've

BB: no, Adu. You wouldn't have wanted thst. You would've felt awkward.

I: then you don't know what I would've wanted

BB: oh that hug!. The last time you hugged me

BB: I know how you must have felt when I told you about Dan. I was completely crushed when you told me about what happened with that 'bee stung lips' guy... i couldn't stop thinking about it. You making out with him... the car... rain... whatever that guy's name was.. the way you called him 'bee stung lips guy'.. it made me mad. So furious.

BB: Idk how our parents are going to react to this.!

BB: Idk how your parents are going to be okay when you'll tell them "hey I want to be with this fucked up guy"!

BB: Do you think your mom will be okay with this? Will she be cool with me?

I: Adi the way you are talking it feels like the next time you are going to see me, you are going to marry me!

BB laughs.

BB: I had a dream. We're together. In bed. Under sheets. It was fun!! The way your hair smelled. Your neck. The way you neck smelled. I was biting on your neck. It was sore cause of all the biting..

BB: (laughing) I'm scared how Shikh and H (our cousins) are going to take this. Shikh is going to be furious.. I have told him everything, everything that happened in my life...

BB: When you gave my band back to me and I read that card, oh god, I...

I: I always forget to ask you.. Do you wear your band or not?

BB: I don't

I: Why not? I want you to wear it. I gave it back to you because I want you to start wearing it again

BB: But it smells of you

I: so?

BB: It smells of you. If I wear it, it'll smell of me. I don't want that.

I: If you wear it then it'll smell of you and I take it back from you when I see you next.

BB: I don't think it'll survive that long

I: you have to take care of it like I did.

BB: I can see the fevistick.

I: I had to do something to keep it together. I bought fevistick everytime it was about to tear again.

[janiklandre-blog]

Thursday, April 6, 2017

9:40 a.m.  rain - time has been feeling a bit unreal - everybody says - nothing to it with these cataracts - but it was sometime in March that I went to see Dr.Lieber Cohen - who had done the cataracts for a man at the CW - Roger O'Neill - whom I first met in the 90's. Of the people at the CW I think he was the only to take some interest in the squatters - Felton, also - Roger must be some five or six years older than I - Felton by as much as 20 years or more younger. Roger never mentioned mentioned the CW - was always very friendly. He is a Bostonian who found his way to the CW in the 1960's, met a  woman he married, had three beautiful daughters but alas hif wife died young in a car crash, he raised the daughters and never remarried.

One of my far too many projects never realized was to interview Roger, do a video - and there was a David Schulder whose parents had been friends with Roger since the 60's and David and I had become friends. I had a video camera. bought a tripod, Roger and David agreed - David would do the video and also join in the conversation - it all sounded great - and then David lost his job, disappeared - has reappeared very sporadically - end of that project. Too bad - Roger is an incredible store house of information - of countless people and any and all radical movements - in New York and beyond. Alas by now he is very visibly aging - he is past 90 - and one daughter who also has lived at the CW but now is marrried and also has beautiful daaughters - she lives nearby and takes very loving care of her father. She gave me the name and address of the doctor.

That doctor had just given up doing the op himself, had turned it over to a young man with offices across the street from him - who now has become my doctor though of course I barely know him. I mourn an optomitrist whom I had tutored in German, with whom I had become friends and very much liked - one day I came to his office to be told: he has retired. Gone. Disappeared - I cannot even remember his name. Tried half a dozen, could not click. Heere I am now with these strangers - countless staff members, cannot remember any names - with endless functions - cannot help but feel a bit Kafkaesque about it all - now in the midst of it - Dr.K. did the op - to see him again next Monday at 2:30 - then I had to see my g.p. for e.k.g. and blood test - now I was told this was only good until April 15 - go see her again - I protested - then the shock of $250 for tiny vials of drops - it seems most people by my age have gotten used to the medical run around - I do feel like caught in a strange maze. My "friend" refusing any assistance at all. Upsets me. Now my grandson has agreed to pick me up after number two.

Do look forward of the day of the last eye drop. Will breathe a sigh of relief. Am doing all this now because my driver's licence is expiring on my birthday after seven years - would like to get another, with "no visual aids needed" - have driven without glasses all my life - would love to continue - though quite aware of much slowing reflexes and altogether, compared to most other drivers, I've driven very little in my life - now in small doses - in daylight - preferably not into the rising or setting sun - but even those small doses of driving still give me much pleasure - in the places where I go and where driving is a must. I am so happy I learned to drive.

Yesterday. It is wonderful that my grandson and his wife have moved to New York City - my city - and he by now knows much more about the city than I do and is in a graduate program for urban planning at New York University - that university next door to me, usurping my neighborhood now - and greatly disliked not only by me. 

Universities - there was Max Weber - a German (google) - before 1900 and after - an early sociologist in this new science - he also was depressed for seven years, lovingly cared for by his wife Marianne. Most famous for writing about the Protestant Work Ethic - critically - but also, his struggles with universities. Do get the real facts from google and not from me - you know I am sketchy - but he described the German universities as places of a rich elite - a rocky road strewn with politics to become a full professor - all he could become was something like a lecturer - unpaid - and his courses not really valid for credit - and I think that also led to his depression.

I did enroll in 1963 in graduate studies of sociology at CUNY - City University of New York - a large interesting institution - came to love the study of sociology and of course came to read by and sbout Max Weber - this study project became a two year adventure about which I also hsave written a book that burned in 2000 - but it also does make part of my unedited memoir. The reason I switched back to - to me very boring - German studies at Columbia - was that my husband insisted I must earn money and in 1965 language studies still were much subsidised by defense funds and with s Columbia Ph.D. finding a job in 1965 seemed guaranteed - no loner so after 1968 when all funds were cut, languages no longer obligatory  and tenured folks driving taxi cabs.

Still - arriving in America at 19 with not one cent in my pocket - we were not allowed to take money out of Germany - hanging around universities even not studying what I wanted - but with this to me boring German not breaking any sweat - sure has been preferable to the factory life of many of the displaced persons on that army ship with me - the General Hersey - I actuslly do meet a good number here in my neighborhood - Poles, Ukrainians, - occasional Jews - many never really learned English, remained in their ethnic enclaves - some perhaps even happieer than I am - still - I am glad for the life I had.

Now my grandson is studying at NYU - I'm sure Max Weber would have been a scholarly critic of the institution - but my grandson and I now have come to share Washington Square Park. I do have an M.Phil. from Columbia - once called abd - all but disseertation - so do get the Alumni Journal often good articles - there I read about a retired Columbia Sociologist who is writing about the sociology of Washington Square Park - publication of course guaranteed - wish I had such a project - but then of course he is into disciplined focusing - while I sm all over the place - sketchily.

I also would have liked to do a study of displaced persons who arrived with me in 1951.

But, but, but - one German friend has called my writing: wie Dir der Schnabel gewachsen ist - Schnabel is the German word for a peak of a bird - you write just as your peak has grown - others have said: you write as you talk. Obviously this is not a skill I have studied - nor as I often do point out a "skill" appreciated, recognised,, respected by all thst many - actually scorned - also until now with hardly any financial reward - nor a great prospect of one - still - a skill that gives me pleasure - that fills those hours in the morning when I would not have minded standing on a podium with a rapt and loving aoudience and ample financial reward - not even Max Weber found that - or perhaps tables that have existed - perhaps still exist somewhere not found by me - people sitting around shooting the breeze - but an interesting breeze. Actually when I do find such tables - occasionally at the CW - it is mostly men who talk loudly and by no means are ever to be interrupted. And funnily, with my beloved German friend - we both like to talk and I claim she does all the talking and she says I do all the talking - and I would like to bring my video camera and document it. Lovely meeting with my grandson in a sunny, warm, very crowded, noisy Washington Square park - I got to talk.

Later - Deanne was singing at the NOMAD - last week a lively full house - this week luckily my breakfast partner from earlier in the day, Stefan Eins came with his partner Christine and later French Christine - another friend who said she would come never came, never called - then there were another couple - Deanne had three musicians who played lustily but had to be paid - also the venue expects consuming listeners, I consumed a $5 lentil soup - hard on Deanne - Stefan and partner left - in the end it was Deanne, her partner, French Christine and I sitting around a table - French Christine has her apartment on East 7th street, a block away from where Deanne had her restaurant in the 90's - she knows her well - we did have a lovely conversation - I found out more about Deanne and specially her wonderful mother - who is to have a cataract op tomorrow and Deanne ready to take loving care of her. Also heard about a job Deanne has in the South Bronx - schools di hire artists to bring some art to them - alas it seems these kids come from such troubled backgrounds - 30 of them - hard to deal with - Deanne is wonderful, great singer, her life not so easy.

11:10 - off to the church????   Marianne