protag johnny truant talks a lot abt his sex life and the girls he fucks, seemingly without a direct relation to what he footnotes. but theres always this weird dissociative vibe to it and a lot of ppl think he's lying to sound better than he is (smth he admits to having done, telling insane stories abt how he got his disfigurements is part of his (often unsuccesful) pickup routine), but i ask what does he have to lie about in footnotes no one is ever going to see? my theory is that they are things he thinks happened, or things he is afraid of happening, and writing them out is his way of assuaging the anxiety brought on by delusion or ocd
notably these alleged fantasies are not particularly flattering or satisfying. they are under bizarre or unideal circumstances, involve him feeling deeply ambivalent and lonely, and explicitly mentions not finishing. a woman he doesnt remember becoming friends with uses him as revenge sex on her fiancé. so i find it hard to believe hes doing it to bolster an image or even an ego. if they do happen, even in part, these are not healthy or even necessarily coping mechanisms that make him feel better. often they make him feel worse, lost, alone.
I won't deny that Johnny's parts can be hard to get through. He can be crass, misogynistic, uncomfortable, unhygenic, dissociative, painful, ugly, and sometimes there's just plain bad sex. But I think it's unfair to discount these sections as entirely discrete from and unrelated to Zampano's paper on The Navidson Record. Johnny's story is included in House of Leaves for a reason. It's a part of the whole. There's a lot to be said about Johnny, whose life has never had any security to begin with, whose life is a series of winding pathways that leave him substance reliant and unsure of his place in anything-- in space in time in other people's lives-- reading a book about a movie where this upper middle class nuclear family moves into a new house and immediately have their own sense of domestic safety completely and totally shattered.
Here he is, speaking about his disfigurements (the things he has to tell ludicrous, pulpy stories about in order for people to not recoil away from him):
"All of it true too, though of course scars are much harder to read. Their complex inflections do not resemble the reductive ease of any tattoo, no matter how extensive, colorful or elaborate the design. Scars are the paler pain of survival, received unwillingly and displayed in the language of injury."
Here's him talking about that lady who has him as revenge sex:
"Before I left she told me our story: where we'd met-Texas- kissed, but never made love and this had confused her and haunted her and she had needed to do it before she got married which was in four months to a man she loved who made a living manufacturing TNT exclusively for a highway construction firm up in Colorado where he frequently went on business trips and where one night, drunk, angry and disappointed he had invited a hooker back to his motel room and so on and who cared and what was I doing there anyway? I left, considered jerking off, finally got around to it back at my place though in order to pop I had to think of Thumper. It didn't help. I was still hurting, abandoned, drank three glasses of bourbon and fumed on some weed, then came here, thinking of voices, real and imagined, of ghosts, my ghost, of her, at long last, in this idiotic footnote, when she gently pushed me out her door and I said quietly "Ashley" causing her to stop pushing me and ask "yes?" her eyes bright with something she saw that I could never see though what she saw was me, and me not caring though now at least knowing the truth and telling her the truth: "I've never been to Texas.""
I don't know. I just have a profound compassion for this guy. Maybe it's my own history with abuse and neglect and dissociation and unreality but it kind of shocks me to see how many people respond to this guy who desperately needs help and isn't going to get it, who is deeply terrified of other people and wanting them and hurting them or himself... as an imposition and annoying. It's such a fundamentally different read, one I hadn't even considered.
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a│s : agere & the regression process.
the regression process itself is something i get asked about alot from new littles to curious people alike!
and i can understand why.
the thing with regression is that theres no 'one answer fix', each person that regresses says something different about the process & to someone just starting out, that can be a little confusing <3.
so pumpkin is here to break it down for you and answer some commonly asked questions to hopefully make it a little more clearer for others to understand.
。゚•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• 。゚
what actually is regressing?
regression is when an individual reverts to a younger age or a younger state of mind to help cope with things! <3
is the fuzzy feeling real?
it depends on who you ask sweetpea!
some people feel it and others don't & that's okay! regression can feel differently to different people, for some it can be a fuzzy headspace, for others it can be a clear switch, and for some it can feel sort of blended at times!
do i need to have another illness to regress?
nope!
a lot of people tend to regress to help heal their inner child and grow as a person, almost like a inner self-therapy session.
does it help?
i think it does.
i think it helps you heal those wounds that we were taught to just forget about and burry down. it helps heal our younger way of thinking, and helps you almost appreciate how strong you were when you were going through those tough times.
plus, i've felt a lot happier since. it's helped me unlock that innocent and pure enjoyment of small things again, and let me take time out just for me <3.
why do people talk in a baby-like tone?
when people regress, they can regress to younger ages.
some people use their way of typing to help stay in that headspace <3.
does it make me invalid if i just regress to be happy?
nope,
regression is different for everyone & is there to help people in different ways. if you just want to regress to be happy, then you do that lovely! <3
do i need to have money to regress?
nope!
some crayons and some paper would be just fine, even just some cartoons! gear is good to have, but it's not a must have! in some people's regression journeys, they don't even include it- like i said, everyone's different.
do i need to use those names?
i'm assuming this is based on the 'mum' 'mommy' names, nope! not if you don't want too.
what works for one little, might not work for you & that's more than okay! a lot of little's come up with their own names for their cg as part of their relationship!
always ask people's boundaries too when it comes to terms like that <3.
can my cg be my partner?
of course!
my parner is my caregiver and has been for just over a year now & that side of our relationship is as platonic as any other cg and little relationship. it's actually common for partners to be cg's as you already have that comfortability aspect around one another <3.
。゚•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• 。゚
gif isn't mine
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Neighborhood Watch S2 Ep1: Shindig
Hello!! We finished the first session of season 2! And jesus christ- a lot happens, it was a bit disjointed! But I’m here to try and make sure it’s all coherent! (my own personal comments will be in the tags)
So let’s go!
A week has passed since the Season One finale; the Dome’s been dropped, and everyone in the Main Cast knows that John is a monster.
Since the Dome is gone, the rest of the town had been unlocked for us to explore!
During the week, Song buys new flowers for her house at the florist- she runs into Louis, who’s been buying native wildflowers to improve his lawn. He runs into some interns who work for the mayor, who offer him some free seed packets for some newly discovered flower- They grow quick, with thick thorny vines and stems, and are ready to bloom within a week with beautiful tie-dye-esque colors. Louis declines, not trusting anyone who’s a part of the government, and the florist owner, Kathy, is wary of the flowers due to how quick they grow; they can very easily become invasive.
Song does archery practice with Amira in her backyard- Amira has not mentioned John being a monster, and Song hasn’t asked her about it. Amira does mention, however, that while hiding in Song’s house during the s1 finale she found a black book with a red gem. That’s one of Song’s spellbooks, and Song vaguely says she uses it to help protect herself. Amira shows interest in it, and Song discreetly tries to sense if Amira has the potential to become a magic-user- but Amira’s aura indicates she doesn’t have any ability for magic at all, which is odd because all humans normally have the capacity for it; the center of her soul is dead-blue.
Shelby starts her Twitch-streaming again, with the internet being back up, and when she’s not busy with that John spends time with her; Not only because she’s his friend, but as a way to make up for making her worry so much (and to avoid the rest of the Main Cast). Sometime during the week John tries to go the park, but sees Louis there and immediately turns around to go home. He also fills in Emmett about the events of taking down the Hunter, omitting the fact that he is one himself.
Markus keeps to themself for most of the week, ordering take-out (there’s only one Uber driver in Greenville, btw, his name is Kyle and he sells weed on the side) and healing from their wounds. At some point, they get rid of Emmett’s corpse with carrion beetles, and use his bones to make bonemeal for various projects- including their worm farm. Towards the end of the week, they decide it’s been long enough- They march right up to the Doe/Waters household and knock on the door.
Shelby is busy streaming, and so John answers. He freezes when he sees it’s Markus, and in a cold panic he closes the door. Through the window he sees that Markus looks sad, and they walk away. John feels awful, and is still reeling from the cold panic, but he doesn’t want to make it awkward by opening the door again, and they’ll want to talk about that night, oh no, god you fucked up- And so he decides to head to the park, as part of him still finds nature to be calming/ feeling a bit like home.
He people watches, observing the librarian reading a book, until it starts to get darker out, and begins his walk home.
Meanwhile, going back to Markus walking home, I feel it’s time to mention that some more neighbors have moved in during the week- Two of them being Heath and Sammy Clark. Heath, a 5′6 blonde guy, jogs up to a dejected Markus and invites to him and Sammy’s get-together (in fact, they’ve sent out invites to the entire cul-de-sac). Markus doesn’t seem too into it, and heads home.
On the topic of new neighbors, I’ll summarize them now:
The Clarks have moved in across from Phil. Heath is an outgoing trans man, and Sammy is a very quiet and hairy ginger man who’s almost 7ft tall.
Bonnie McMurry moves in next to Shelby and John. She’s a sweet older lady in her mid 60s and lives alone, though she had a bunch of odd-shaped boxes with her labeled “Lois”. Shelby had asked about it, revealing Bonnie had an adult son who passed some years ago. During the night, loud music can be heard from her basement.
William Krieger is a socially awkward and reclusive man with a pencil stache. He keeps his pet rats in his many coat pockets.
Kenneth Feinstetter lives across the street from Louis. He is a loud and boisterous man with glasses who will tell anyone willing to listen to him about his ridiculous conspiracy theories regarding Greenville.
Some moving trucks come in at midnight. Lucretius Wayne introduces himself to the neighbors, sending out gift baskets of high quality. He’s charming, and even the Pattersons like him.
Louis recognizes Lucretius as the vampire Lestat. His ex.
But the time for the Clark’s party is here, and Markus decides they’re going. They get all dressed and give themself a pep-talk about how they’re going to make friends. They head outside and see the Pattersons are heading over to the party as well, and for a moment consider heading home, but then Lucretius appears with some wine and greets the Pattersons; Karen waves at him, and Bob seems... jealous? Markus decides to go, if only to see this drama unfold.
Louis doesn’t like being left out and decides to go. As he’s walking over, William approaches him and wants to be invited to the party. Louis makes a comment about if William is really going with a jacket that has so many pockets, and William responds he’s got to bring his family with him. Louis doesn’t like William, who’s standing far too close to him, and so when Philip approaches Louis takes his chance to leave.
Kenneth approaches Louis and asks if he’s seen anything weird, or out of the ordinary? Louis almost says no, but then mentions that he’s never seen Lucretius leave his house til after sundown- he might as well try and direct suspicion towards his ex.
Song decides to bring some wine over, and as she exits her home Lucretious greets her; They compare the wine they’re bringing, and he offers her his arm. She takes it, and together they walk to the Clark household. Louis sees this, and though his expression remains calm, his grip tightens.
The Sampath family is going; Amira waves to Song, and she and Lu wave back.
Markus approaches the Pattersons and asks how Karen is doing (bc, yknow, The Curse), and she says she’s doing much better. Bob thanks Markus, who says that while they don’t like each other, they don’t want his wife to die, and Bob says he’ll owe Markus a favor because of their help. Markus squirms away.
John and Shelby are going as well; John prepares a snack tray to bring along. As the two of them leave they hear music coming from Bonnie’s basement; as much as John wouldn’t admit it, part of him is glad he’s away from the noise.
The Clarks are greeting people as they enter; John approaches, sees the rest of the Main Cast and seriously considers leaving, but Shelby interprets this as general social anxiety and reassures him it’ll be fine. He makes eye contact with Song as she approaches- her gaze hardens, and John looks away.
Lucretius asks Song if everything is okay; she responds by saying not everyone in the neighborhood is getting along at the moment. Lucretius is invited inside by Heath.
Inside is very spacious; the archways leading to the different rooms have been altered to be taller, and even then Sammy has to bend over a little bit to avoid hitting his head. There’s snacks, drinks, etc. Sammy offers Philip some alcohol, and he turns it down.
Markus is in awe of how tall Sammy is, and heads to a corner to vibe. They can hear the spiders behind the bookshelf in their corner. William shows up to stand next to them, and Markus bluntly tells him that they want him to go away (”Please go away. I can say it in four different languages if you’d like.”) William’s smile starts to fade at Markus’ insistence, and he actually starts to look angry, but then gets distracted by a snack tray and scurries away.
John and Shelby have bumped into Kenneth, who’s informing the both of them about some kind of drama going down on Twitter. John doesn’t have social media, so he doesn’t quite know what he’s talking about, but he likes listening to people talk and wants Kenneth to like him- especially since Kenneth doesn’t know about his monstrous nature. Shelby brings up the fact she’s a Twitch Streamer, upon which Kenneth looks her up on the Internet, and then awkwardly excuses himself.
Everyone starts to vote for which party game to play. John approaches Philip, who’s trying to tune his guitar to bring some extra entertainment to the party, but Phil is having a bit of trouble tuning it. Lucretius appears and offers to tune it, and plays a flamenco riff (and winking at Louis), absolutely showing up whatever Phil was planning to do (John doesn’t interpret it that way, though, and thinks it’s nice how Lucretius helped out Phil).
Markus and John both notice Bob Patterson and Louis going off into one of the other rooms of the house- Bob has noticed Louis’s reactions to Lucretius, and asks if they know each other. Louis tries to play it off- not every person with a southern accent knows each other, Bob- but Mr Patterson wants to know if Lucretius is anything similar to the monster he saw the previous week, if something supernatural is going on. Louis says nothing supernatural is going on with any of the new neighbors, in response Bob whispers something to him before storming out. Louis, apparently a bit shaken by what Mr Patterson had whispered, takes a moment before leaving the room and heading back to the party.
The group has decided on Two Truths One Lie. Some highlights:
William glaring at Markus the entire time
Almost every normal neighbor hoping that Markus’s “I have over 300 bugs at my house” bit is the lie
Everyone immediately guessing Philip’s lie (divorced but on good terms)
Kenneth putting one of his truths down as him “knowing the truth about this town.” Song asks him what that means, and Kenneth invites Song over to his house to look at his charts and notes some day.
Lucretius smiling at Louis the entire time is was Louis’ turn (we find out Louis is allergic to wool)
Flirting with Song when it was her turn (He’s been flirting with her the whole party, I should add.)
And then it’s Lucretius’s turn. He grins, and gives his options:
1) He was born in Louisiana.
2) He has a skin condition that prevents him from being out in the sun
3) ...And he’s bloodthirsty monster.
Louis knew this, but Song doesn’t pick up on the danger; like almost everyone else, she’s incrediby charmed by Lucretius. John was too, actually, but as soon as that was said, John realizes that Lucretius’s charm is all part of a lure to get prey, and that he could be something similar to John. Markus realizes the danger as well, and deduces that everyone in this room could be in danger- so they summon a bunch of cockroaches to scare everyone away.
Almost no one notices it was them who caused the roaches- except for William, who’s been staring at them the whole time.
People start running away in the chaos- Heath faints, Sammy tries to stomp the bugs (shaking the house with this, actually), and Louis tries to get ahold of Song, but Lucretius has taken her hand before he could do anything and has gotten her out of there. Lucretius offers to walk her home, and she accepts.
Once outside, John tries to make eye contact with Markus- a “did we both notice the same thing” kind of look. Markus sees this and looks almost panicked, an “oh god not again look” (Unknown if it was fear about John or the event happening), before their gaze becomes sad. A monstrous roar appears from inside the house, and Markus races inside. John tries to head in too, but Louis calls out to him and says they need to talk. John anxiously says something about getting rid of the roaches and attempts to get away, worried Louis wants to talk about That Night, but the Crooked stops him (”John. This isn’t about you”).
Meanwhile, inside, Markus sees Sammy angrily stomping at the roaches. Markus, not wanting to have their bugs killed, leads them out with food. Sammy corners Markus and, speaking for the first time, growls a comment about how he didn’t see what Markus did was necessary, and that he knows about their kind and would appreciate that Markus never do that again. Markus stammers an apology and runs home.
Louis leads John to his house, where he asks what John knows about Lucretius. John tells him (how the charm is a lure, how he might be like him), and Louis says that John is strong enough to take him on in a fight, but not strong enough to survive; Song is in just as much danger in Lucretius’s presence as she is in John’s. At this comment John tense and seems angry, and Louis said it wasn’t meant to offend: He needs John’s help to kill Lucretius, after all. Stakes, garlic, crosses and etc might be useful.
Also, Louis tells John, Bob knows about Lucretius, the house shook when Sammy tried to kill some roaches, William has rats in his pockets- there’s a Lot more to deal with than John being a monster, or even Louis’s ex being a vampire.
Meanwhile, Lucretius has walked Song back to her house. He says it was a pleasure to hang out with her this night, and Song agrees- but the night isn’t finished yet; Would he like to come inside for some coffee?
He accepts, and is invited inside.
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