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#theres love but not in any way any of us can think. theres love but not like that but also exactly like that. theres also hate
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protag johnny truant talks a lot abt his sex life and the girls he fucks, seemingly without a direct relation to what he footnotes. but theres always this weird dissociative vibe to it and a lot of ppl think he's lying to sound better than he is (smth he admits to having done, telling insane stories abt how he got his disfigurements is part of his (often unsuccesful) pickup routine), but i ask what does he have to lie about in footnotes no one is ever going to see? my theory is that they are things he thinks happened, or things he is afraid of happening, and writing them out is his way of assuaging the anxiety brought on by delusion or ocd
notably these alleged fantasies are not particularly flattering or satisfying. they are under bizarre or unideal circumstances, involve him feeling deeply ambivalent and lonely, and explicitly mentions not finishing. a woman he doesnt remember becoming friends with uses him as revenge sex on her fiancé. so i find it hard to believe hes doing it to bolster an image or even an ego. if they do happen, even in part, these are not healthy or even necessarily coping mechanisms that make him feel better. often they make him feel worse, lost, alone.
I won't deny that Johnny's parts can be hard to get through. He can be crass, misogynistic, uncomfortable, unhygenic, dissociative, painful, ugly, and sometimes there's just plain bad sex. But I think it's unfair to discount these sections as entirely discrete from and unrelated to Zampano's paper on The Navidson Record. Johnny's story is included in House of Leaves for a reason. It's a part of the whole. There's a lot to be said about Johnny, whose life has never had any security to begin with, whose life is a series of winding pathways that leave him substance reliant and unsure of his place in anything-- in space in time in other people's lives-- reading a book about a movie where this upper middle class nuclear family moves into a new house and immediately have their own sense of domestic safety completely and totally shattered.
Here he is, speaking about his disfigurements (the things he has to tell ludicrous, pulpy stories about in order for people to not recoil away from him):
"All of it true too, though of course scars are much harder to read. Their complex inflections do not resemble the reductive ease of any tattoo, no matter how extensive, colorful or elaborate the design. Scars are the paler pain of survival, received unwillingly and displayed in the language of injury."
Here's him talking about that lady who has him as revenge sex:
"Before I left she told me our story: where we'd met-Texas- kissed, but never made love and this had confused her and haunted her and she had needed to do it before she got married which was in four months to a man she loved who made a living manufacturing TNT exclusively for a highway construction firm up in Colorado where he frequently went on business trips and where one night, drunk, angry and disappointed he had invited a hooker back to his motel room and so on and who cared and what was I doing there anyway? I left, considered jerking off, finally got around to it back at my place though in order to pop I had to think of Thumper. It didn't help. I was still hurting, abandoned, drank three glasses of bourbon and fumed on some weed, then came here, thinking of voices, real and imagined, of ghosts, my ghost, of her, at long last, in this idiotic footnote, when she gently pushed me out her door and I said quietly "Ashley" causing her to stop pushing me and ask "yes?" her eyes bright with something she saw that I could never see though what she saw was me, and me not caring though now at least knowing the truth and telling her the truth: "I've never been to Texas.""
I don't know. I just have a profound compassion for this guy. Maybe it's my own history with abuse and neglect and dissociation and unreality but it kind of shocks me to see how many people respond to this guy who desperately needs help and isn't going to get it, who is deeply terrified of other people and wanting them and hurting them or himself... as an imposition and annoying. It's such a fundamentally different read, one I hadn't even considered.
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pumpkzsafeplace · 2 days
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a│s : agere & the regression process.
the regression process itself is something i get asked about alot from new littles to curious people alike!
and i can understand why.
the thing with regression is that theres no 'one answer fix', each person that regresses says something different about the process & to someone just starting out, that can be a little confusing <3.
so pumpkin is here to break it down for you and answer some commonly asked questions to hopefully make it a little more clearer for others to understand.
。゚•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• 。゚ what actually is regressing?
regression is when an individual reverts to a younger age or a younger state of mind to help cope with things! <3
is the fuzzy feeling real?
it depends on who you ask sweetpea!
some people feel it and others don't & that's okay! regression can feel differently to different people, for some it can be a fuzzy headspace, for others it can be a clear switch, and for some it can feel sort of blended at times!
do i need to have another illness to regress?
nope!
a lot of people tend to regress to help heal their inner child and grow as a person, almost like a inner self-therapy session.
does it help?
i think it does.
i think it helps you heal those wounds that we were taught to just forget about and burry down. it helps heal our younger way of thinking, and helps you almost appreciate how strong you were when you were going through those tough times.
plus, i've felt a lot happier since. it's helped me unlock that innocent and pure enjoyment of small things again, and let me take time out just for me <3.
why do people talk in a baby-like tone?
when people regress, they can regress to younger ages.
some people use their way of typing to help stay in that headspace <3.
does it make me invalid if i just regress to be happy?
nope,
regression is different for everyone & is there to help people in different ways. if you just want to regress to be happy, then you do that lovely! <3
do i need to have money to regress?
nope!
some crayons and some paper would be just fine, even just some cartoons! gear is good to have, but it's not a must have! in some people's regression journeys, they don't even include it- like i said, everyone's different.
do i need to use those names?
i'm assuming this is based on the 'mum' 'mommy' names, nope! not if you don't want too.
what works for one little, might not work for you & that's more than okay! a lot of little's come up with their own names for their cg as part of their relationship!
always ask people's boundaries too when it comes to terms like that <3.
can my cg be my partner?
of course!
my parner is my caregiver and has been for just over a year now & that side of our relationship is as platonic as any other cg and little relationship. it's actually common for partners to be cg's as you already have that comfortability aspect around one another <3.
。゚•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• 。゚
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gif isn't mine
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puppyeared · 9 months
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you seem like the. kind of person who I'd run into during a rock concert while I'm trying to find bathroom and notably you are dressed kind of oddly for the concert (see: divorced dad outfit. hawaiian shirt. jorts. chunky sandles. giant sun hat.) and so I ask you "hello, do you know where I can find the bathroom?" and you go "yeah sure!!" and you point me the complete opposite direction from the bathroom. not on purpose, but because you also have no idea where the bathroom is. I thank you and go on my way, both of us oblivious to the fact we are currently very much not at a rock concert. it's an idie band that just screams really loud. sorry if that's specific you just give me giant 'perpetual tourist that isn't really a tourist and has never left their home city but just seems like a tourist anyways' energy
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naw thats a pretty reasonable impression id say
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sending this ask as an excuse for you to go hogwild with peppino/pizza tower chatter bc i like to read it lol
Using this as an opportunity to distract from comms bc im tired of looking at this screen 😭
I think despite the hell Peppino went through, there are some levels/places that he actually enjoyed. Or at the very least, wouldnt mind visiting again. Off the top of my head, i am thinking of the saloon and the beach levels, but also the mini golf area 🥺
While i was playing the game (completely blind), I just assumed the tower was comparable to a real life train hub area; portals just led to different areas and districts. As in, these would be places you could visit outside of the tower if u had the means to take urself there. Its why despite the collapse, in the pepperman comic i did, he still offers to take Peppino to his villa. It still exists, its just that the shortcut the tower provided is gone. (This is also why Peppino and Gustavo can still do deliveries in the forest)
So like, now that the threat of losing his restaurant is gone, hes like. Some of those places looked Okay i guess 😒……. And Gustavo is like (prodding) ‘which places caught ur eye, then?’
Without the towers (pizzaheads) influence spawning in monsters to fight, the mini golf course is very fun. He gets to run Very Fast (already the best thing in the world) for very long periods of time, and smash into things to score goals. And if he wants to be Normal about it, he can just. Play golf the normal way lol (golf is also just a very calm sport to watch. He watches that shit all the time when hes home, and then passes out in his chair without realizing it)
The saloon is always nice to visit. It did blip on his radar as a place to try out, but he wasnt really incentivized to do so until vigilante started inviting him out. He doesnt go out often, but it is nice to have a little friend circle again :)
And the beach is like. Its a beach! Its weird for him; he probably didnt have any time or money to waste on shit like ‘visiting the beach’ before, so he feels out of place w all these people running around and having fun. He just likes to lay down and be in the sun :) He stays late into the evening, and drives back home in his shitty car 🧡 Everyone knows when he does his beach visit bc he tans so easily 😭
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I LOVE going everywhere by bike. Don't need to wait for a bus. Don't need to cram myself into a bus with (urgh) people. Or even worse, what feels like every single student in town. I still get home in about the same amount of time. I'm so so flexible including with places. Like yeah sure, let's go there! I don't care if the next bus station is far away. Doesn't matter to me.
Stayed out late with friends recently. Two of em had to get their family to come pick them up because that's too far to walk and it was too late for buses. A different friend lives like 30 minutes away but always walks and their way goes through a small park where literally no one is at with few lanterns so it's pitch black and I could literally just walk them home and then take the bike which is faster and has its own light and feels and probably is safer than walking those dark ass streets at night alone.
Like. I can just do all that. And yeah, sometimes when I'm not doing too well I feel like collapsing afterwards and yeah, maybe my fingers feel like falling off a lot at this time of year but that's like. SO worth it. I have no idea how people can live and NOT go everywhere by bike. Like if it's more than 20-30 minutes maybe but even with hills.... I fucking love my bike.
#a biscuit's rambles#also i just love going out with friends til late??#with the lockdown and shit that is such an entirely new experience and its great#also i like feeling useful i think. i like walking a friend home knowing ill definitely get home safe#idk#i also like my bike. a lot#been taking it literally every single day for years now and i have no regrets#EXCEPT FOR THOSE FUCKING PEDESTRIANS THAT HEAR MY BELL AND DO NOT FUCKING MOVE#AND THE OTHER BIKES THAT JUST DONT RING THEIR BELLS OR NOT EVEN HAVE ANY#LIKE THEN YOU GOTTA AT LEAST YELL AT PEOPLE TO MOVE OVER YOU NUMBNUT#A BIKE IS QUIET THEY DO NOT HEAR YOU THEY WILL NOT MOVE OVER MAGICALLY#AND IM STUCK BEHIND YOU#ALSO ITS JUST ASSHOLE BEHAVIOUR LIKE SOMEITMES WARNING SOMEONE SO THEY KEEP TO THE BLOODY SIDE IS GOOD!!!#and dont even get me STARTED ON SOME OF THE CARS#MUCH LESS THE STUPID ASS FUCKING INFRASTRUCTURE OF MY TOWN#ITS LIKE THEY WANT BIKES TO BE RUN OVER#fun fact i have been run over before#just fuckin collided with a car#nobody would listen to me try to pick apart the details of how it felt#which was probably my way of trying to cope with that experience lol#though nothing serious happened. bUT STILL#also oh god that one stupid fucking street with those stupid ass cars NOBODY NEEDS A CAR THERE JUST BAND HTEM ALREADY#AND THE. THE FUCKIGN ROADWORKS#I CAN NOT REACH MY SCHOOL WITHOUT ALMOST BEING EITHER HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A HUGE SHOVEL OR RUN OVER BY A TRUCK#AND IF THATS NOT THE CASE THEN THERES SO MANY FCKING PEOPLE THAT EVEN IF I YELL AT THEM LIKE MAD I CANT GET PAST WITHOUT RUNNING SOMEONE#THROUGH MYSELF#im very passionate about all things bike. but thinking abt it is a huge part of my life so im allowed to be
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solardistress · 11 months
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everyone who is in the stanley parable fandom should somehow get sucked into the rabbit hole of the story and or characters and or the concept the game presents . not like ohhh i looove the narratorso much heres my design and lore for them for it kind of rabbit hole where you fixate on this character that like. you are making uo backstory for to the point it deviates from canon because youve gone too far from the game details or whatever but but really aanalyze the game the moments the dialogue for just a moment . mmfind the meaning in the words . find somethin g profound in the data the papers the desks the situation as a whole . you cant just . romanticize the characters. without. like. understanding them first . tou cwnt do anything with the characters until you inderstand them at a gut wrenching level . at least brush uo on their wiki once in a while ? play the game ? every now and then ? treat stanley right ? anyway if you like the stanley parable so much why cant you tell me about 432 and their situation . how profoundly sad their existance is and how you trea t them. how about cookie9? why do you hate themm so much. because of a review ? tou antagonize them for what ? the narrators doing ? bexause the narrator what . yeah . tou cant even explain his actions . go go play the game and hav eit rewrite your brain . go down the rabbit hole and bask in the true horror and unrealism of their situation
#how sleepy am i jesus christ#tsp#anywayy i think what im saying is pleade enjoy the gamr and the story it has actually theres so many little details and often all i see is#just. the narrator . the endings . stanley. yeah theres feeling and emotion but j want that in words i want to to see you understand it#i want to see you see it in your own way inderstand and process it in your own way and share that#i love seeing analysis posts !!!!! uughh nbrhh. not to say that like. the fanart isnt what i want no i love the fanart so much#but i wish there were more analysis posts or something idk#idk what my point was here#i love characterization . by the way . as someone who would write fanfics and has a pet peeve of correct characterization in fics and such#i just wish more people hnderstood the game as a whole and didnt just end up being like haha ships !!!!!!!! romance !!!!! like yes ! but#but also like they have something MORE than romance. something more intimate and close . not sex yeah sure whatever but they are#connected in the most horrible ways and connected so closely and lovingly and they are connected whether they like it or not#they hate each other they love each other they are each others world they are divorced theyve been married for eternity they would kill eac#other they woukd have sex they woukd kiss they would dance they would do so many things that arent romance oriented but still close in#so many fucking ways because they love hate each other and their relationship is so conplicated you think they just suddenly love each othe#no matter what now ?? after what. you think stanley is forgiving ? after being brought through hell over and over and over again?#no! they hate each others guts i tell you. but they still stick by each others sides because they dont belong anywhere else#theres love but not in any way any of us can think. theres love but not like that but also exactly like that. theres also hate#and its a beautiful mix of the two that allows them to get along so well and endure each other for so long and further#anyway fucking . i forgot my point#anyway go down the rabbit hole 👍 this game is insane and you should be insane about it too#but like. be insane about it . not the concept of romance in this game. do not pair them up just for the sake of shipping#understand their relationship. understand them. understand their circumstances. understand their problems their bate their love#them. understand them and how much they need each other. how they keep chasing and chasing and chasing only to run#in circles. anyway what was my POINT. i ront remember 👍👍👍#i am . so sleepy
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pansyfemme · 4 months
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kinda hyped going to a musical theatre confrence tommorow and i fucking love those even tho 9/10 readings ive seen at these things suck ass
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caffeinatedopossum · 2 years
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I honestly don't think I was capable of fully understanding how dangerous restricting was until after I had been in recovery for like 8 months already. And I sadly really mean that. I worry about you guys :((
#i dont mean this in a condescending way i mean this in a i literally had brain damage from my ed way#if you dont care if you die or not thats one thing. but believe me when i tell you this:#your ed will not kill you fast. it will take 10+ years of physical and psychological torture. and yes i mean torture thats not exaggeratio#and if you decide in ten years that its not worth and you want to recover thats awesome of course#but theres a high likelihood of irreversible damage at that point#it doesnt take a lot to make your body sick#not nearly as much as i think you guys think#the things you're sacrificing are not under your control. you didnt choose to be sick and you do deserve to be helped#we all make it out one way or another#i just hope you guys make it out sooner than i did#because no one deserves that and i mean it. not even me#the things your ed can do to you arent even talked about. not in media not even in a lot of anorexia forums#not even by the doctors that treat them#after a few years of restricting even if you havent lost weight your body is damaged#your brain is damaged. a lot of the damage is reversible but some of it inevitably wont be#idk i know fear mongering isnt going to help any of you#i just get really mad that there arent better resources and treatments for us out there#i may be just one person but i mean this with all of my heart#i hope you find better days and health and carefree mornings and nights without the shroud of obsessive thoughts#and warmth and love and the mental clarity and strength to keep fighting#you all mean so much to me#and this blog will always be a safe space for people struggling with eds wether they want to recover or not#please take care of yourselves
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I kind of miss getting to know the interior of other people’s homes. So many of my friendships in adulthood are distant, or long distance/only talking over the phone, difficult to make actual plans with because of Real Life Schedules Now, etc. etc., but like in school and stuff as a kid you can just hang out at someone’s house for a few days, have a sleepover every weekend, etc. etc. I still remember the interior of all of my childhood friend’s homes, I remember all the details to the rooms and the layout of the yards and etc. etc. There’s just something kind of neat about Knowing another person’s housing space, what the décor says about them, the history of how they came to live there and their household routines and what it’s like, etc. I feel like it can be an important part of really deeply understanding someone so it’s weird to talk to and vaguely know a handful of people, but also not even know what their bedrooms look like or how they organize the dishes after washing them or etc. etc. 
#'intrictae knowledge of another person in an extremely mundane way' my beloved#i also just really love looking at interiors like I'm fascinated with how people decorate their own spaces or what they have aorund#in the environment and what it says about them. Does anyone else snoop the backround of photos and videos and stuff?#like if theres a youtube video or a picture or something anyone posts and it has like a candid normal indoor space as the background#I'll pause or zoom in or whatever and really try to look around. see what's there. just make observations#not in a crerrpy way but just like.. idk I feel like it Says Something. I also love seeing people's computer desktops and phone screens#amnd looking at how they organize their apps or files or what aesthetic they give things. If I'm wathing someone play a game and they#accidentally exit to the desktop or something I always pause and try to see whatever I can glean from it lol#Bedrooms. Phone screens. Desktop of a computer. Also real life desk top that the computer is sitting on. etc. These are all spaces that are#mostly organized by and utilized by really just the ONE person themselves. like nobody else is going to usually be using your#computer or your bedroom nightstand. it's your space that you don't have to think about anyone else interacting with so they way you organiz#e and decorate it is very personal and Just For You. something about spaces like that are so interesting to me like in telling#little tiny details about someone and stuff. And also on a borader scale I just love thinking about how like. you could give 5 people the#same exact space and each of them would organize it and decorate it completely differently. and all of it would be an indication of their#tastes and personality and lifestyle. I used to want to be an apartment complex maintenace man because I would get to enter into everyone's#identical layout apartments and see how different they all are and what variety of things people have done to customize the same space#and what it might say about them or etc. etc. etc. Also probably weird but sometimes when throwing something away#I'll look at people's trash a little like if I'm in a realative;s house. which literally gives no important information but I love little#details like 'oh someone in the house had a snickers bar earlier today.' 'oh they bought a lightbulb I wonder which of the lightbulbs#went out' and then I look around the house at the shapes of the light fixtures or if there are any other clues (like a screwdriver or#ladder nearby) to see which one it is or etc. etc. ANYWAY .. idk..#one of my Big Fascinations. I just love seeing people's personal spaces and knowing little obscure mundane details that#dont matter really but it Matters To Me just because I love gathering every miniscule tidbit of data about anything in any situation#whether it's relevant or not. seek knowledge just for knowledge's sake I guess lol. Maybe thats an enneagram type 5 thing or something#else lol. ANYWAY.. thought about this because I have such a strong compulsion to ask everyone I know like long distance friends#for pictures of their bedrooms and phone screens and desktops but also for people who don't have the same Weird Interest In Interios#*Interiors and stuff that I do I feel like that just comes off extremely freakish ghbjhbb#I PROMISE IM NOT GATHERING DATA ON YOU! or like.. I am. but not maliciously. just in a manner of earnest detached intellectual fascination
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larabar · 1 year
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Please give more info for your Frontiers au, it makes me very happy
HI YES ALWAYS
this is late because i wanted to have a little more to show you than i had before but Anyway
ok .ok so
each character in the game had their own Main Issue/Thing. amy's was .idk love and wanting to share it with others. knux's was his ancestors and his own past, learning to get off angel island once in a while. and tails' was all about his independence
but for sonic it was really hard to find something sjdnfj since he doesn't really have anything to go off of (flat character and all that) but. i got thinking about how cyberspace affected each character and just how it Works
from what i understand, being stuck between cyberspace and reality has no feeling to it, no sense of being 'grounded', and all that other fun stuff .
and that sounds like a living hell for sonic
he can't do anything. he can run but it doesn't give him the same feeling because there is no feeling. the most he can do is just sit back and wait till everything's fixed.
y'know what just take this
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not finished but it gets my point across and also im so normal about these two
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lesbaurinkos · 4 months
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Through all the noise we have somehow managed to find each other… the only two FFXIV phannies im aware of. If only there were more of us because really there’s so much to talk about
firstly can we talk about the fact that Dan went for a Canon Miqo Suncat Name, Tia and all, which is so on brand—meanwhile Phil with Miko Stryker over there because it sounds cool, you just KNOW Dan gave him shit about it lmao
the matching carbuncles… I wonder if they headcanoned Phil summoning them for them, since he played SMN
And I gotta mention the ceremony of bonding. You think they have rings? They’re so useful they gotta have the rings right? Even if not to be sappy… that teleport is so nice… no way those catboys aren’t married
MY BRETHRENNNN there needs to be more of us in this world bc there is TRULY SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUTTTT like honestly. after phil dropped miko's name and i went to look at him on the lodestone and then thought "oh i should try to find dan's wol too" my immediate thought was "dan probably gave his a canon suncat name honestly. i should start looking for tias" and to absolutely no surprise..... it's just so so so fitting that he'd do a canon-style name and phil would of COURSE go for MIKO STRIKER. as absolutely unsurprising as the fact that phil's ingame title is bug boy.... like of course it is. of COUURSE (the fact they both have gold saucer titles too like ok lads i see the priorities. chocobo racing and gambling, is it)
the matching carbuncles just cannot stop taking me out like my god i looked at their mounts wanting to see if they'd finished endwalker (they HAVENT- no argos- but they do have their edw artifact gear so they must have stopped right before ultima thule? LADS go play ultima thule and cry smh) but like oh u just KNOW phil named his smn carbuncles and carbuncle mount and everything. (and i did too because i started out as a smn. named my carby cherry tomato. phil just gets me. dan being a monk player is similarly unsurprising because it is such a confusing class of course he would choose to put himself through that. oh danny) (every monk player i know is both gay and left-handed? some kind of correlation... who knows)
AND OH GOD THE CEREMONY OF BONDING. this haunts me so bad bc we just dont know.......... they could have gay married those catboys and we just wouldnt know................ head in my hands. head in my haaands
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whomturgled · 10 months
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i have so many feelings and i hate it
#and regrets of any time ive acted up or feel like in hindsight it wasnt cherishing the time i have w them as i shld be and#and things i want to do with them still and ways to love them and be loved and understand their way of loving and#i think we can be so good together and. i miss them. and i hope they miss me.#i really hope theyll miss me soon and want me again and . ik its maybe a little messed up but i want to believe and trust and#its hard and it hurts but. i really feel theres a great connection and if i need to chill out a bit and remember myself more thats fine#and on me for getting so like. moody recently. altho i kinda feel like part of that is med changes but u__u still i need to be able to like#be better and i think they make me better and so happy and. im so comfortable with them and i love them and i wld want to make it work#even if it had to be distance but i dont think i want to just be their friend like maybe but it would hurt a lot bc i love them so much#and i hope they wanna be with me too still and will allow me to romance them yknow flowers and adventures and love and take care and... yea#and maybe some of this was just them going thru a lot rn and im sorry for adding pressure to it and i want to be the comfortable respite an#auurgrgghfhdhdhhfhfdhh i miss them#i just keep thinking abt them like ill have periods of not but then i do again and. idk.#theres also a lot of complicated feelings and thoughts and its like i want to like. idk. know some of their friends n stuff n. :^( idk#i dont feel well from the stress and emotions and ow of it all#i really hope it isnt just a way for them to let me down i really hope they come back eventually like i wanna believe they will but#ourgsghthfhdhfhghghdhdhwkelftk4bfbhwiwjtjejAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#i love them a lot. and need to listen more abt more alone time stuff bc it is good for both of us but not like this u_u#ok sorry for rambling i needed somewhere to write feelings so here we are#i guess part of me is hoping theyre thinking abt me at least a bit and maybe will check this and see it and be like wow i do miss them too#but ik thats silly and eitth3u2ieigjtb4jirifjwji24jgntn aahhhhhhhhhhh. i say a lot of things wrong esp when scared or overly emotional and.#urgevshehrhtjrjeitjtnjeeitjtjwjeiigvjiw9384847rhfbwjoe4j4n4j289djrnrnf#i just really really hope they come back soonish and like want me and are like yes i do want you sorry for that but not a huge sorry bc#like i understand where theyre coming from and. and. yeah. idk. soon doesnt have to be today or tomorrow but maybe a week or 2 idk#i just realy miss them and it hurts and i really dont want them with someone else or to just throw it all away andni want to prove i can#like. idk. love them and be better and more positive i guess we've both been dealing w a lot of stuff and i do need to learn to accept and#more patient w how we communicate differently and we do have to face that but its a difficult topic to confront ig and aurh4hwhshhrlffff#i think they love me i want to trust and i really hope they dont try to make any decisions for me or like based on what they think best 4 m#bc i get to decide that :^(#when i said let down i meant like. leave my life and never talk to me again and stuff.. ;^(. idk how to feel abt some things but. idk. idk.#theres so many feelings and that all is just a pretty vague tip of the iceberg ugh
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mejomonster · 9 months
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As I get older and older I more tangibly realize why queer individuals in older generations than mine might prefer words I wouldn't use for myself, and likewise why younger generations preferences would be different too. Like it was always clear you know, a person knows their identity best and what labels they prefer best and even if you don't get it you should respect it. But I guess the older I get the more I realize I really don't know and never can know the background another person has for their perceptions and meaning for labels and why something in particular helps them to use or not
#rant#lgbt#...........................................................................................................................................#i just. so im alive in the time i guess when i saw trans identities barely discussed like even in educational material i didnt#hear about gender identity until i dug deep. to people now using transmasc and transfemme as labels. labels i dont understand and know#i dont. i presume they mean trans people who identify with masculinity or femininity? but i think im probably wrong#because ive seen transmen call themselves transmasc and it confuses me. because a transman can be a very feminine person who loves makeup#so. one cannot say transmasc and actually Mean all trans men. a transfemme does Not include all transwomen because transwomen can be butch#and reject femininity. so like... from my outdated perception i see it as the cis straight societal gender expectations of men MUST be masc#women MUST be femme which. i hate. becayse i specifically feel all people should and can be whatever they want.#any man can be feminine any woman can be masculine any person can be any range on that and change daily and do what they want#and their gender is still valid. and then like. theres ppl like me. im nonbinary. im a pretty feminine guy#im a fairly masculine woman. i dont think i could even fit into transmasc or transfemme labels.#i do think those labels help and suit people who like them. if i met a nonbinary lipstick lesbian perhapa#transfemme would help her xommunicate how she feels. but those words dont help me they are boxes i cant fit inside#and i get why they exist but its like. cool. now i get why transman needs to be preserved Outside of transmasc. because feminine trans men#still need space. i get why masculinjty and femininity need to mean something clearly Separate from gender itself or we loose the ability#to express the range of gender expression in qll areas. i dont know what transexual means but now i realize why a person older than me#may LIKE that label and cling to it. because it may communicqte something For Them that helps them in a#way that was lost to understanding by my generation. in a way that the terms no longer useful for my self identity but is for them.#in the way that trans man and nonbinary fit me but i could never be fit within the labels of transmasc or transfem etc#and in the way that for some people transmasc etc labels will fit Them and Help in a way a label like transman never can. and so on
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eric-the-bmo · 11 months
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Neighborhood Watch S2 Ep1: Shindig
Hello!! We finished the first session of season 2! And jesus christ- a lot happens, it was a bit disjointed! But I’m here to try and make sure it’s all coherent! (my own personal comments will be in the tags) So let’s go!
A week has passed since the Season One finale; the Dome’s been dropped, and everyone in the Main Cast knows that John is a monster. Since the Dome is gone, the rest of the town had been unlocked for us to explore!
During the week, Song buys new flowers for her house at the florist- she runs into Louis, who’s been buying native wildflowers to improve his lawn. He runs into some interns who work for the mayor, who offer him some free seed packets for some newly discovered flower- They grow quick, with thick thorny vines and stems, and are ready to bloom within a week with beautiful tie-dye-esque colors. Louis declines, not trusting anyone who’s a part of the government, and the florist owner, Kathy, is wary of the flowers due to how quick they grow; they can very easily become invasive.
Song does archery practice with Amira in her backyard- Amira has not mentioned John being a monster, and Song hasn’t asked her about it. Amira does mention, however, that while hiding in Song’s house during the s1 finale she found a black book with a red gem. That’s one of Song’s spellbooks, and Song vaguely says she uses it to help protect herself. Amira shows interest in it, and Song discreetly tries to sense if Amira has the potential to become a magic-user- but Amira’s aura indicates she doesn’t have any ability for magic at all, which is odd because all humans normally have the capacity for it; the center of her soul is dead-blue.
Shelby starts her Twitch-streaming again, with the internet being back up, and when she’s not busy with that John spends time with her; Not only because she’s his friend, but as a way to make up for making her worry so much (and to avoid the rest of the Main Cast). Sometime during the week John tries to go the park, but sees Louis there and immediately turns around to go home. He also fills in Emmett about the events of taking down the Hunter, omitting the fact that he is one himself.
Markus keeps to themself for most of the week, ordering take-out (there’s only one Uber driver in Greenville, btw, his name is Kyle and he sells weed on the side) and healing from their wounds. At some point, they get rid of Emmett’s corpse with carrion beetles, and use his bones to make bonemeal for various projects- including their worm farm. Towards the end of the week, they decide it’s been long enough- They march right up to the Doe/Waters household and knock on the door. Shelby is busy streaming, and so John answers. He freezes when he sees it’s Markus, and in a cold panic he closes the door. Through the window he sees that Markus looks sad, and they walk away. John feels awful, and is still reeling from the cold panic, but he doesn’t want to make it awkward by opening the door again, and they’ll want to talk about that night, oh no, god you fucked up- And so he decides to head to the park, as part of him still finds nature to be calming/ feeling a bit like home. He people watches, observing the librarian reading a book, until it starts to get darker out, and begins his walk home.
Meanwhile, going back to Markus walking home, I feel it’s time to mention that some more neighbors have moved in during the week- Two of them being Heath and Sammy Clark. Heath, a 5′6 blonde guy, jogs up to a dejected Markus and invites to him and Sammy’s get-together (in fact, they’ve sent out invites to the entire cul-de-sac). Markus doesn’t seem too into it, and heads home.
On the topic of new neighbors, I’ll summarize them now:
The Clarks have moved in across from Phil. Heath is an outgoing trans man, and Sammy is a very quiet and hairy ginger man who’s almost 7ft tall.
Bonnie McMurry moves in next to Shelby and John. She’s a sweet older lady in her mid 60s and lives alone, though she had a bunch of odd-shaped boxes with her labeled “Lois”. Shelby had asked about it, revealing Bonnie had an adult son who passed some years ago. During the night, loud music can be heard from her basement.
William Krieger is a socially awkward and reclusive man with a pencil stache. He keeps his pet rats in his many coat pockets.
Kenneth Feinstetter lives across the street from Louis. He is a loud and boisterous man with glasses who will tell anyone willing to listen to him about his ridiculous conspiracy theories regarding Greenville.
Some moving trucks come in at midnight. Lucretius Wayne introduces himself to the neighbors, sending out gift baskets of high quality. He’s charming, and even the Pattersons like him.
Louis recognizes Lucretius as the vampire Lestat. His ex.
But the time for the Clark’s party is here, and Markus decides they’re going. They get all dressed and give themself a pep-talk about how they’re going to make friends. They head outside and see the Pattersons are heading over to the party as well, and for a moment consider heading home, but then Lucretius appears with some wine and greets the Pattersons; Karen waves at him, and Bob seems... jealous? Markus decides to go, if only to see this drama unfold.
Louis doesn’t like being left out and decides to go. As he’s walking over, William approaches him and wants to be invited to the party. Louis makes a comment about if William is really going with a jacket that has so many pockets, and William responds he’s got to bring his family with him. Louis doesn’t like William, who’s standing far too close to him, and so when Philip approaches Louis takes his chance to leave. Kenneth approaches Louis and asks if he’s seen anything weird, or out of the ordinary? Louis almost says no, but then mentions that he’s never seen Lucretius leave his house til after sundown- he might as well try and direct suspicion towards his ex.
Song decides to bring some wine over, and as she exits her home Lucretious greets her; They compare the wine they’re bringing, and he offers her his arm. She takes it, and together they walk to the Clark household. Louis sees this, and though his expression remains calm, his grip tightens. The Sampath family is going; Amira waves to Song, and she and Lu wave back.
Markus approaches the Pattersons and asks how Karen is doing (bc, yknow, The Curse), and she says she’s doing much better. Bob thanks Markus, who says that while they don’t like each other, they don’t want his wife to die, and Bob says he’ll owe Markus a favor because of their help. Markus squirms away.
John and Shelby are going as well; John prepares a snack tray to bring along. As the two of them leave they hear music coming from Bonnie’s basement; as much as John wouldn’t admit it, part of him is glad he’s away from the noise.
The Clarks are greeting people as they enter; John approaches, sees the rest of the Main Cast and seriously considers leaving, but Shelby interprets this as general social anxiety and reassures him it’ll be fine. He makes eye contact with Song as she approaches- her gaze hardens, and John looks away. Lucretius asks Song if everything is okay; she responds by saying not everyone in the neighborhood is getting along at the moment. Lucretius is invited inside by Heath.
Inside is very spacious; the archways leading to the different rooms have been altered to be taller, and even then Sammy has to bend over a little bit to avoid hitting his head. There’s snacks, drinks, etc. Sammy offers Philip some alcohol, and he turns it down. Markus is in awe of how tall Sammy is, and heads to a corner to vibe. They can hear the spiders behind the bookshelf in their corner. William shows up to stand next to them, and Markus bluntly tells him that they want him to go away (”Please go away. I can say it in four different languages if you’d like.”) William’s smile starts to fade at Markus’ insistence, and he actually starts to look angry, but then gets distracted by a snack tray and scurries away.
John and Shelby have bumped into Kenneth, who’s informing the both of them about some kind of drama going down on Twitter. John doesn’t have social media, so he doesn’t quite know what he’s talking about, but he likes listening to people talk and wants Kenneth to like him- especially since Kenneth doesn’t know about his monstrous nature. Shelby brings up the fact she’s a Twitch Streamer, upon which Kenneth looks her up on the Internet, and then awkwardly excuses himself.
Everyone starts to vote for which party game to play. John approaches Philip, who’s trying to tune his guitar to bring some extra entertainment to the party, but Phil is having a bit of trouble tuning it. Lucretius appears and offers to tune it, and plays a flamenco riff (and winking at Louis), absolutely showing up whatever Phil was planning to do (John doesn’t interpret it that way, though, and thinks it’s nice how Lucretius helped out Phil). Markus and John both notice Bob Patterson and Louis going off into one of the other rooms of the house- Bob has noticed Louis’s reactions to Lucretius, and asks if they know each other. Louis tries to play it off- not every person with a southern accent knows each other, Bob- but Mr Patterson wants to know if Lucretius is anything similar to the monster he saw the previous week, if something supernatural is going on. Louis says nothing supernatural is going on with any of the new neighbors, in response Bob whispers something to him before storming out. Louis, apparently a bit shaken by what Mr Patterson had whispered, takes a moment before leaving the room and heading back to the party.
The group has decided on Two Truths One Lie. Some highlights:
William glaring at Markus the entire time
Almost every normal neighbor hoping that Markus’s “I have over 300 bugs at my house” bit is the lie
Everyone immediately guessing Philip’s lie (divorced but on good terms)
Kenneth putting one of his truths down as him “knowing the truth about this town.” Song asks him what that means, and Kenneth invites Song over to his house to look at his charts and notes some day.
Lucretius smiling at Louis the entire time is was Louis’ turn (we find out Louis is allergic to wool)
Flirting with Song when it was her turn (He’s been flirting with her the whole party, I should add.)
And then it’s Lucretius’s turn. He grins, and gives his options: 1) He was born in Louisiana. 2) He has a skin condition that prevents him from being out in the sun 3) ...And he’s bloodthirsty monster.
Louis knew this, but Song doesn’t pick up on the danger; like almost everyone else, she’s incrediby charmed by Lucretius. John was too, actually, but as soon as that was said, John realizes that Lucretius’s charm is all part of a lure to get prey, and that he could be something similar to John. Markus realizes the danger as well, and deduces that everyone in this room could be in danger- so they summon a bunch of cockroaches to scare everyone away. Almost no one notices it was them who caused the roaches- except for William, who’s been staring at them the whole time.
People start running away in the chaos- Heath faints, Sammy tries to stomp the bugs (shaking the house with this, actually), and Louis tries to get ahold of Song, but Lucretius has taken her hand before he could do anything and has gotten her out of there. Lucretius offers to walk her home, and she accepts. Once outside, John tries to make eye contact with Markus- a “did we both notice the same thing” kind of look. Markus sees this and looks almost panicked, an “oh god not again look” (Unknown if it was fear about John or the event happening), before their gaze becomes sad. A monstrous roar appears from inside the house, and Markus races inside. John tries to head in too, but Louis calls out to him and says they need to talk. John anxiously says something about getting rid of the roaches and attempts to get away, worried Louis wants to talk about That Night, but the Crooked stops him (”John. This isn’t about you”). 
Meanwhile, inside, Markus sees Sammy angrily stomping at the roaches. Markus, not wanting to have their bugs killed, leads them out with food. Sammy corners Markus and, speaking for the first time, growls a comment about how he didn’t see what Markus did was necessary, and that he knows about their kind and would appreciate that Markus never do that again. Markus stammers an apology and runs home.
Louis leads John to his house, where he asks what John knows about Lucretius. John tells him (how the charm is a lure, how he might be like him), and Louis says that John is strong enough to take him on in a fight, but not strong enough to survive; Song is in just as much danger in Lucretius’s presence as she is in John’s. At this comment John tense and seems angry, and Louis said it wasn’t meant to offend: He needs John’s help to kill Lucretius, after all. Stakes, garlic, crosses and etc might be useful. Also, Louis tells John, Bob knows about Lucretius, the house shook when Sammy tried to kill some roaches, William has rats in his pockets- there’s a Lot more to deal with than John being a monster, or even Louis’s ex being a vampire.
Meanwhile, Lucretius has walked Song back to her house. He says it was a pleasure to hang out with her this night, and Song agrees- but the night isn’t finished yet; Would he like to come inside for some coffee?
He accepts, and is invited inside.
#JOHN LEVELED UP BTW HE CAN SHAPESHIFT NOW <333#neighborhood watch recap#fun fact the florist and mailman flirt with each other#I'm convinced Shelby is this game-world's equivalent to Jerma /hj#AND GODDAMN IT YALL JOHN FUCKED UP HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH MARKUS AAAA </3#BC DUDE I WAS STILL YELLING ABOUT THIS AT WORK!! LIKE OH MY GOD JOHN YOU IDIOT </3 TALK TO THEMMMMMM#is john people wathcing for fun or to find prey? perhaps a bit of both#With Sammy we finally have a character who's taller than John#and on that note its been dtermined John is 6'10#Kenneth is my fave new npc i love conspiracy theorist characters sm#props to louis for not selling out any of the main cast to kenneth#so proud of philip for trying to go sober tbh#i want more kenneth and john interactions i think it would be hilarious#if Kenneth did anything weird John will SO kill him#girl help my boy is so autisitc#he didnt realize lestat tuning the guitar could also be showing off he just thought lestat was being nice#HEY IS SAMMY IMPLYING THERES MORE PEOPLE LIKE MARKUS?? MORE BUG PEOPLE???#BECAUSE OF THE CONVO WITH LOUIS JOHN MIGHT START THINKING THE MIAN CAST WONT KILL HIM IF HES USEFUL </3#and ouUGUH. THE FACT SONG ASKED LESTAT FOR COFFEE. THE SAME WAY SHE ASKED LOUIS. AND LOUIS DECLINED AND SO SHE ASKS LESTAT#TO SEE IF HES BETTER THAN LOUIS#AND HE ACCEPTS???#OOOH MY GOD GIRL!!!! YOURE IN TROUBLE HES A VAMPIRE OH Y GOD#our gm does a great job mkaing the town feel Alive its so cool#However.#if i were to have one complaint its that theres so much going on and so many plot hooks/plot points#that its a bit hard to keep track of what to follow up on/ do next#bc johns suspicion of karen has been dropped in favor pf investigating new stuff#and while id like to know about kens theories we also have bonnie and everything else to think about#not to mention the interpersonal relationships of the Main Cast#but its still enjoyable
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solarsaurus-sex · 5 months
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do u think i should ask my friend if he'd be down 2 let me pop my pegging cherry on him. just so i can see what its like.
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firelordhotman · 9 months
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friendly reminder that even if youre open about something on your blog, even if you think its so obviously right in your about/description/pinned/whatever, most of the people who will interact with you are not even looking that far at your blog. they dont know your name or your pronouns or your disabilities or your interests or your credentials or whatever you think is just *so obvious* that they *must* be intentionally ignoring it just to hurt you. ESPECIALLY not if theyre a random stranger who youve never interacted with once before, has never interacted with you once before either, and has absolutely zero reason to care about you. its not a personal attack, its just a fact. this is literally the internet
#i am TIRED. yes this is a vaguepost idc#utter stranger shows up in my notifs DEMANDING i explain a simple little joke tag about me and my loved ones experiences#as if i owe them the slightest ounce of attention in my day#and then when i do explain my & my loved ones lived experiences. they get mad & say im using THEIR personal experiences as a weapon#like. i dont have the slightest clue what your personal experiences are! i dont even know your name!! and i dont want to nor do i have to!!#i dont mean this rudely. but factually: you are not important enough to me to care even a little bit about your experiences#i dont bring up suicide or addiction or any shit like that because its Your experience. bc i have no fucking idea what your experience is#i talk about those things because its MY EXPERIENCE. that IM TALKING ABOUT. in the tags of a post that doesnt belong to either of us no les#this is probably the last thing im gonna post abt this bc i know youre still up my ass looking at everything i post rn#but to finish off. i was never even making a Point about anything in the tag. i wasnt starting discourse about anything.#it was just an Acknowledgement of a shared experience that me and many of my loved ones have. whether u like it or not#like literally i dngaf if YOU personally wouldnt describe your experience that way. We do describe it that way! We can be different#i just made a silly little tag for my friends to see. and YOU decided that you were entitled to both hear my life story and blatantly#misinterpret everything i say about it. like literal 'how dare you say we piss on the poor' type shit#like. saying 'x can cause y' does not mean im saying 'y is literally x' fucking OBVIOUSLY. god#i didnt fucking ask for this! YOU DID!! YOURE the one who DEMANDED it of me unprompted#& clearly must have just gone looking thru the tags of posts for ppl to beef with lollllll#i mean cmon. you didnt follow me i didnt follow you and that wasnt even your post. theres no other explanation lmao its p obvious#anyway i hope u find a better hobby or at least a more fun and fulfilling way to use this website. sincerely#at least get some better critical thinking skills before picking stupid arguments with random strangers online#but hey! play stupid games win stupid prizes<3 right??#also one final note: to hear someone talking about the lived experiences of them and their real life loved ones and go 'hmm. sounds fake'.#its just giving Friendless. its giving 'how could anyone make fun art without doing crazy drugs!!'.#its giving 'Wait yall have friends irl? i thought it was just a joke'. its fucking hilarious and im gonna think about it forever#thank u for a lifetime supply of laughs godspeed
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