#they fucking call her names and go in on her for being trained in denver and not here

[crackspinewornpages]

Rage 23/35 -Stephen King

18 

Sylvia broke the silence by laughing, when this is all over she wants to get in detective magazine, maybe she’ll get Charlie to write it. More troopers arrive, Charlie turns on the intercom for Mr. Grace he says he’s tried to get him help, this is an antisocial act by society’s standards, (standards change) will he let them help him, only he can save his own soul now. Charlie didn’t like that and asked if Denver told the police what he said, have they figured out how to handle him yet, Mr. Grace doesn’t know but wants to know how Charlie is going to handle himself. They were evaluating him, and he accuses them all of being the same, it would be tougher to strip Mr. Grace, shrinks are mind fuckers, and he doesn’t want to help Mr. Grace do that and warns if he asks another question, he’ll shoot somebody. He’s playing his game now, statements only, does he think he’ll keep his job, Mr. Grace begs Charlie to save himself. Mr. Grace wants to sign off, but Charlie says he’ll do it when he says, or he’ll shoot someone, he can't cop out, does he understand. Outside Denver and Johnson were waiting for Mr. Grace’s return, it was his turn to get it on. (was this a saying in the 70s) 

19 

Charlie questions him, his military obligation was fulfilled as a doctor, he’s practiced psychiatry for five years. He refuses to answer if he goes down on his wife, Charlie threatens to shoot, no. Psychiatry fulfills him as a person, his wife never cheated, he’s never cheated on an exam, then how can he say his wife never gave him anal. He completed training at Fort Benning in 56, after military obligation fulfilled in 60, he was in the Guard. His mother’s maiden name was Gavin and he’s thrown off and when asked again says he completed basic training in 57 and Charlie threatens to shoot someone. Father's middle name is John, he’s a Methodist, he went to Sunday school, bible questions and when he did Charlie tricks him into quoting a question. (ok so he pulled a psychology trick to throw someone off rapid fire questions that seem inane but your chipping down their guard to reveal what you want police interrogators use it all the time) 

Mr. Grace was crying on the intercom; Denver held the cops back; he used Mr. Grace’s own tools on him. (like I just explained) “I had taken off his witch doctor’s mask and made him human. But I didn’t hold it against him. To err is only human, but it’s divine to forgive. I believe that sincerely.”p.59 Mr. Grace says he’s leaving, Charlie tells him no one’s dead, Charlie has Ted assure him he’s not lying. Mr. Grace cries again for a long time before going outside, he walked like an old man and Charlie liked seeing it. 

20 

“I told you about the roulette ball, didn’t I? Sure I did. In some ways-in a lot of ways-it was still in spin. Craziness is only a matter of degree, and there are lots of people besides me who have the urge to roll heads.”p.61 (this is what kinda takes me out of it Charlie is supposed to either be deranged or a kid that just had enough and snapped but he’s weirdly philosophical for a seventeen year old) Irma snaps at Grace Stenner, they should shoot her like Charlie, kill all sluts and their daughters and chants whore’s daughter. (ok the fuck is your problem Irma) Grace is about to claw Irma’s eyes out when Charlie tells her to stop it, Irma continues that Grace’s mother has an open house every night. Charlie has Irma look at him, they have to keep order here. “Without order, what do you have? The jungle. And the best way to keep order is to settle our difficulties in a civilized way.”p.63 (the meaning of civilize is relevant) 

He draws a circle on the floor and has the girls stand in it or death, he’ll be the judge, when he drops his bandanna they can go at it. (duke out your problems how my mom raised me and my sister probably not healthy) Ted tells him to stop it, but Sylvia says if someone called her mother a whore, she’d claw their eyes out. Ted shouts they could stop him, but he had no supporters and shut up. Charlie dropped the bandanna, and the girls went at it with smack talk and slaps until Irma cries to be let out. Grace says to take back what she said, Irma insults her more and Grace lets her have it until she breaks down into sobs saying she can't apologize until Grace slaps her again and Irma screams she’s sorry. Grace turns to the class, “My mother fucks,’ she said ‘and I love her.”p.66 (parents what they do to their children and how their children see them is a theme) They all except for Ted and Susan applaud her. 

Charlie tells Irma to stand up, she’s always been sorry, that’s why it’s hard to say it, Grace forgives her. Charlie asks Irma if she has anything to say, Tanis tells her she’ll feel better if she does. Irma says what Grace said is true, she’s not pretty, never had a date or friends, Tanis tells her she could clean up and shave, Irma shouts she doesn’t know how. The girls are now sympathetic, Tanis will help her and the girls start talking. The class bell made everyone jump, it was now 9:50, the squirrel, Denver and Underwood were gone and Charlie decided he was gone too. 

21 

There are more police cars and a growing crowd, the class looks to see what's in it, a news van pulled up and started unloading and the class turned to the radio reporting Charlie going berserk. Grace called Mr. Grace’s report of being forced to leave at the threat of the students a lie. (how adults in power act is also a theme) The news called Charlie a schizophrenic past rationality, (he’s not I’m not sure what he is he’s not a psychopath either I think he’s just a kid who was chipped away until he exploded like a dam the wrong set of circumstances aligned and this was the opportunity he took) Sylvia calls it a crock of shit and Pig Pen in incensed at being called children. Charlie has the radio turned off and asks him what’s on his mind and he starts complaining about his mother buying cheap pencils and shitty frozen suppers, her thing is to enter contests and drowned his sister’s kitten saying it’s too worthless to drive to the vet’s. (she drowned a kitten to save four bucks that's 20.27 today...oh look at that have needed a nail bat in a while) She’s too cheap to buy him better shirts (he wears cheap dingy shirts is that why everyone calls him Pig Pen) and wouldn't let him get a paper job because of loose women at home. She sucks up to everybody and when his sister got pregnant, (wouldn’t let her keep the baby either) she sold his car so he wouldn’t go get a girl pregnant. She grinds you until you give, he thinks if he had a gun like Charlie, he’d kill her. (and I’d have no sympathy for her)  

Ted says they’re all going crazy like Charlie, Carol turned on him, usually she was on Ted’s side like Eisenhower, Ted had followers that liked him. “you had to like him, that style, that grin, that record, these good intentions, but there was something exasperating and a tiny bit slimy about him.”p.72 (is Ted a mirror of Charlie he also has a rough home life) Charlie was fixated on Ted something happened that morning and Ted was the center of it. Ted says they’ll find they’re all nut cases, they’ll drag them off and grind them down, (you’ll see Ted’s not playing along with the game antagonizing Charlie and berating his fellow students we’ll see where this goes) Charlie filled the magazine again, Susan starts to cry and they looked at him. “I had taken a life, I had snuffed her, put a bullet in her head and spilled out algebra.”p.72 

A trooper called for Charlie to come out and he felt like dry heaving, he’s always had a weak stomach and once puked on his date’s leg. Charlie yells at the trooper to shut up, they can’t hear him, Ted starts goading Charlie and the others start talking over each other. Charlie fires out the window four times and people scatter, and he aimed it at Ted who was out of his seat and orders him to sit down, he was in control again. The police told the crowd to disperse, Sandra told Charlie to tell something else, (yes distract him so he won’t have a breakdown he wants to use this class as an unwilling group therapy session let him) it was 10:20. 

22 

At twelve his father gave up on him, he was his mother's responsibility, his mother tried to force him to wear a corduroy suit (it’s an ugly textured brown fabric) to a birthday party. You don’t cross her, or she’ll dig in her heels and he was crossing her. She won't hear any arguments, to shut up or he won't go anywhere to anything, she held grudges. He had a crush on Carol, and when he saw his friend Joe, he felt stupid in the suit, Joe didn’t mind his weird mannerisms, (no he’s not autistic) Charlie had brains, Joe had friends, since people liked Joe, they had to tolerate him. Nobody else was dressed up at the party and he wanted to leave before she saw him, but her mother spotted him, other kids asked him who died but Carol didn’t notice him. 

He didn’t participate in the fun, Joe found him on the porch watching the others play, Carol wants him to come, and not wanting Joe to hate him let him go. “After a while, being somebody’s responsibility makes them hate you, and I was scared that Joe might hate me someday. I didn’t know all that then, not at twelve, but I sensed some of it.”p.80 On his way home Dicky noticed him and feeling ugly, Charlie snapped at him to get out of his way, he felt someone else was in control for the first time. Dicky swung at him, Charlie shoved him and they fought. Dicky rips off his coat and slams his head on the ground until Joe dragged him off, the other children were either staring or looking away. Charlie cried, crawling on the lawn for his scattered buttons, yelled at Carol’s mother and ran away. He hid at an empty house, not caring about his ruined suit or his mother, he could see her complaining to Dicky’s mother and his father asking how the other kid looked and his lie. He planned to hitchhike out of town but went home. 

23 

More cops and news crews showed up, Carol remembers that party, she was just a kid, Charlie says she didn’t look it. (dude she was twelve) Her crush on Dicky was worse after that day, (you saw a kid beat the crap out of someone and still had a crush on them I know you were a young teen but come on) she went on a school picnic with him, she let him get fresh. Dick Keene said he’s now in Placerville Cemetery. He got his license and went wild so much almost no one would ride with him, he built up that Pontiac himself, he rode with him once made him pull over and walked home, a few months later he hit a delivery truck. Randy Milliken was with him, Dicky wasn’t impaired, it was the truck driver’s fault he said. Carol was pale and Charlie asks her if her mother was mad he called her an old bag, yes and she thought the fight was his fault too. Carol confesses though, their mothers were friends, but she didn’t care for Charlie’s mother, Charlie bets the suit was her idea of match making and Carol laughed. It almost seemed disrespectful to the dead, but Charlie let it pass, though Underwood wasn’t far from his mind, he was practically standing on her. (remember there’s been a dead body in this room the entire time) 

Frank Philbrick, Ted’s father’s friend, went into the school and went on the intercom saying they don’t like the idea of shooting him, Charlie advises not to, Frank asks his price, what price. Anything to let them go, how about a deal, tell him how many out there think he’ll just kill them. Some people think that yes, Charlie tells him to come down unarmed and he’ll let everyone go, Frank refuses to since he’ll just shoot him and keep the hostages, (you’re a shitty negotiator) but he’ll come down to talk. Charlie warns if he signs off and doesn’t leave he’ll kill someone, he won't get out alive, no one thinks they’ll get out alive, not even his old man, he won't come out. Frank asks to talk to Ted, everyone is fine, and Charlie tells Frank his heavy breathing is a gross, shitty habit, fix it, he could save a life. 

Twelve seconds later Frank left the school, and they had another conference. Carol asks if he had a bad experience with sex, he’ll share if she does, she refuses since they’ll all tell and Charlie drops it. But Carol will tell something, she’s a virgin and she doesn’t think it’s a bad thing, it’s not about not getting pregnant. “People tear you down, that’s it. They grind you down if you let them, just like Pig Pen said. They all want to pull you down to their level and make you dirty. Look at what they are doing to you, Charlie.”p.89 She was Christmas shopping with Dianne Taylor in Portland, when someone drove by and called her a cunt and her good mood was spoiled. It was like that was all there was to a person like being bright a hole to fill up. (that’s it some stranger called you a cunt and now you’re hung up on sex) 

Sandra says she feels funny, either or, not much for anything else, Carol asks, and Sandra says she sometimes feels empty, that everything else seems dull and there aren't many minorities here to fight for, (I know it’s the seventies but find some other hobbies) so she let Ted do it to her. Charlie stared at Ted blankly, like he was glowing in clotted darkness and Sandra said she doesn’t know what all the fuss is about. Charlie aimed at Ted, “I was going to shoot him, but they shot me first.”p.90 

NEXT

[derivativealigner]

Well I haven’t watched sp all the way through for about a decade now, so I thought it was time

Sometimes I wonder how accurate the fandom is when it comes to how we interpret the characters. Like, why is Stan a football star so often in fanfic and why’s Kyle always the smart one? So I thought I’d rewatch the show and make notes along the way to see where the source of all these interpretations is. I also wanted to see if I could get some fun info to analyze, but season 1 is pretty sparse in that regard so there’s not too much of that in this post, but I’ll make a post for all the other seasons too as I watch them

In summary, it’s established in season 1 already that Stan’s a star quarterback and an animal lover, Kyle’s an A+ student, and Kenny is poor and knows a lot about sex and doesn’t have many qualms about doing crazy shit. Cartman is a bit weird since he’s mostly just a naive brat in this season, but he and Kyle have a mildly antagonistic friendship already

I have all my notes under this cut. They include a bunch of small details and other observations. I also listed every Kenny death just because

Ike has freckles

Cartman says “Weak!” and “You guys” and “Seriously” a lot from the start, also “Kickass!” He doesn’t say weak or kickass much in the later seasons iirc

Stan says “Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here” three times in this season but they dropped that catchphrase pretty quickly

Bebe got named in episode 2

Stan’s been an animal lover since s01e03 Volcano since he won’t shoot a bunny or anything else. He does shoot Scuzzlebutt at the end though

Cartman’s a pathological liar but in a childish way

Randy got named in s01e03 Volcano (and it only got worse from there)

The mayor went to Princeton

South Park is next to Mt. Evanson

Kenny will literally drink gasoline

Stan’s a star quarterback in 3rd grade

Clyde’s voice is wrong as hell in S01E04 Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Ride and he has a dog, Rex

Garrison says Kyle is an A+ kid

Shelly seriously abuses Stan, punching him, throwing him, maiming him with a lawnmower

Cartman had a pot-bellied pig called Fluffy

Cartman’s mom smokes crack and has sex with strange men

Dr. Mephesto is probably a Buddhist since he says “Thank Buddha” instead of “Thank God”

Clyde’s voice gets kind of fixed in S01E06

A guy called Mr. McCormick is killed in a protest, launched and splattered against a network building. He doesn’t look like Kenny’s dad though

Zombie Clyde attacks Bebe, rude

Wendy gave her costume contest prize (2 tons of candy) to hungry children in Nairobi

Cartman’s mom is on the cover of Crack Whore magazine. “Back do’ ho… Five on one action!” is the headline

Cartman genuinely cries at Kenny’s grave after the whole zombie thing but gets over it because of candy

Stan knows his mom’s credit card number and has no problem using it to adopt an Ethiopian child (the boys wanted a watch that came with the adoption, they weren’t doing it to be nice)

Cartman calls Stan a vas deference, Stan doesn’t know what that is so Kenny says “Dude, it’s a pipe for your peepee” (according to a transcript). Kenny sure knows male anatomy

Kyle sniffs Kenny after Cartman asks why poor people smell like sour milk and Garrison says “idk eric they just do”

Cartman thinks poor people should die and decrease the surplus population

When the boys get Starvin’ Marvin delivered to them, Cartman says “Hey mom, we found an Ethiopian, can we keep him?” and his mom says “Sure, hun.” She rarely says no to Cartman

Kenny’s dad is an alcoholic who drinks scotch according to Cartman. I mean, Mr. McCormick is seen drinking in multiple episodes and has a hat that says SCOTCH so it’s probably true

Kenny’s family says grace

Craig’s first appearance is S01E09. Also, S01E09 is the first time Kenny doesn’t die (Coincidence? I THINK yeah but it’s still fun)

Clyde got named in S01E10

Clyde and Bebe both spit on Pip’s face, friendship goals <3

Cartman and Kyle have their first fight at Cartman’s birthday party because Kyle didn’t give the right gift. Cartman slaps his face and  screams “I hate you! I want you to die! Die!” while on top of Kyle who’s not really fighting back

Satan throws a fight with Jesus after everyone except Satan bet that Jesus would lose, which leads to Satan winning everyone’s money. Mr. Garrison says “What a mean thing to do!” and Jimbo says “He is a jerk!” and I thought it was quite a laugh so I wrote it down

In S01E11 Tom’s Rhinoplasty Bebe and Wendy are sitting in the swings together and generally appear together throughout the episode, then Bebe gives Wendy a makeover so they’re bffs obviously <3

Craig first appears in the classroom, though not sitting down, in S01E11

Wendy’s not happy about Ms. Ellen taking Stan away from her, she says “Don’t fuck with me! Stay away from my man, bitch, or I’ll whoop your sorry ho ass back to last year!”

Kenny gives Ms. Ellen a scrumptious looking sausage as a valentine’s gift and giggles deviously. Wendy’s gift to Ms. Ellen is a dead animal

Even Kenny doesn’t know what a lesbian is

Wendy’s grandma died in S01E11

Wendy gets Ms. Ellen killed by hiring the Iraqi government (?) to put her in a rocket and shoot it into the sun, then she and Bebe have a pool party (very cool, they wear sunglasses 😎) and watch the rocket hit the sun

Cartman and Pip play a game of kicking each other in the nuts until someone falls. Cartman calls it “Roshambo”

Kenny has a sack of marbles

The boys aren’t fans of Barbra Streisand, but Stan is a fan of the Denver Broncos quarterback John Elway (he’s not a quarterback anymore, he’s an American football executive and the president of football operations for the Denver Broncos of the NFL according to wikipedia.)

Officer Barbrady is a fan of Fiona Apple (who was 20 at the time and had only one album released called Tidal)

Ned knows how to pilot a helicopter

Kyle’s mom is a fan of Streisand unlike literally everyone else, she even gets an autograph from Mecha Streisand

The boys are fans of Robert Smith, the lead singer of The Cure. Stan says “Robert Smith is the greatest person that ever lived!” and Kyle says “Disintegration is the best album ever!” and Cartman says “Robert Smith kicks ass!” and Kenny’s dead so he doesn’t get to have an opinion

Cartman has tea parties with his toys: Polly Prissypants, Clyde frog, Peter Panda, and a dragon called Rumpertumskin

Kyle wants to make fun of Cartman for the tea party but Stan stops him because he’s concerned that Cartman needs help

Craig is in front of the school counselor’s office in S01E13

A young miss Cartman drinks like a motherfucker at the 12th annual drunken barn dance where Cartman was supposedly conceived

Stan lets Cartman borrow his bike like a good friend

Garrison wanted to have a threesome with Chef and Cartman’s mom. I don’t know why I’m making a note of this but uh… yeah.

Cartman’s mom has had sex with everyone at this bar that Garrison’s drinking at, including principle Victoria, the mayor, Father Maxi, and Jesus (and maybe Kenny’s dad since he’s at the bar but the camera doesn’t pan to him when Garrison says they’ve all slept with Liane). Later Gerald Broflovski is a possible father to Eric, so he fucked her too. Also Mr. Mephesto and his friend Kevin, that little guy, are candidates along with a lot of other people, including the 1989 Denver Broncos (and Mr. Tenorman is included in that later)

Cartman doesn’t make fun of Kyle for being Jewish much at all in this season even though the Christmas episode is all about Kyle not celebrating

Clyde and Token appear very early on and Clyde has always been in the classroom (along with Bebe, Red, Kevin Stoley, Wendy, and Pip and uhh DogPoo too I think). Craig appears later in the season and Tweek’s not in season 1 at all, so Craig’s gang isn’t really a thing yet

And here’s a list of the ways Kenny died in this season. He dies in every episode except episode 9, and he dies twice in episodes 2 and 3. Altogether he dies 14 times

S01E01 Killed after alien shoots him, cows stampede over him, then cop runs him over which finally actually kills him

S01E02 Killed in a play by a falling teepee, then a second time shot by Garrison which sends him in the air and he gets impaled on a flagpole on the way down

S01E03 Killed by a volcano rock that burns him then rolls on him but he’s alive again in the end but gets shot by Ned’s gun that he drops and it accidentally goes off

S01E04 Gets his arms and head torn off in an American football game

S01E05 Stan’s clone punches Kenny into a microwave where he gets cooked alive

S01E06 Death touches Kenny

S01E07 Kenny gets crushed by a Russian space station and turns into a zombie because he gets Worcestershire sauce in his veins, then Kyle chainsaws zombie Kenny in half, then zombie Kenny rises from his grave and is crushed by a statue and a plane

S01E08 Kenny is killed by a bunch of turkeys. His eye gets plucked out. It’s dark blue

S01E10 After Kenny gets turned into a duck-billed platypus, Jimbo and Ned shoot him

S01E11 Ms. Ellen throws a sword through Kenny’s face

S01E12 While Mecha Streisand and a giant robot Leonard Maltin fight, Kenny plays with a tetherball and gets the rope wrapped around his neck and it strangles him

S01E13 Kenny gets stuck on a go kart and it drags him around but stops and he’s still alive! Too bad the go kart stops on train tracks and a train runs him over. Stan’s grandpa sends a video of the event to America’s Stupidest Home Videos and wins $10,000

If you read all that, first of all hello. I’m not new to the fandom even though this is the first thing I’ve posted on this tumblr blog. I’ve been writing a fanfic called Caffetamine though so I’m not a complete non-entity. Anyway, I’ll watch season 2 soon and post my notes on that too probably.

[potatosoldier]

Are you still there?

/ Part 3 /

Later in the chapter, the medic names are made up from the fact that what names were common!

The following morning was interesting indeed. Lewis had been very productive and gotten me PT gear and my WAC dress greens, which included a hobby jacket, “garrison” cap and a pretty skirt. I was extremely grateful, until he gave me my OD’s, which of course were made for men. The issue of being unhappy didn’t come to place until he saw me in them. And he laughed so loud it startled the men who wear near our barrack. 

“Oh my, my, you look like you’re gonna spread your wings and take off like a flying squirrel”, he snorts coming over to me and playfully flaps the sides of my jacket. I look at him very unimpressed, and then quickly slap his hands away. But then sigh. “I should’ve kept the skirt”, I giggle. But all in all it isn’t so bad, I have my medics patch and good pants. They are a little tight on the hips, but nothing unbearable. 

And off we went, him escorting me to my first field exercise with Herbert Sobel. Oh boy. 

------------------

“Nurse Winters, what is the meaning of this, you look more unpresentable then any of these men!” 

The screaming of Sobel starts straight away as I stand with the men from the second platoon. “No excuse, sir”I say knowing he was commenting on my jacket. He looks ready to snarl, once again. “I’ll let you off, since you are only a woman after all, find a belt for tomorrow, or I will have to find an adequate punishment.” I just look ahead my eyes cold, so that’s how it is. “yes, sir.”

I feel like he assigned me with the second platoon just to torture my husband. And me. He was in for a surprise, if there was one thing me and Dick would not waver from, that was our duty. 

-------------------

I quickly started learning that I already had some knowledge to the matters we were going through. Enough for me at least. My main job for now was keep up with the men and when needed, have a plan on how to transport the “wounded” and if that was not possible, how to make a good long term plan for their health and the stamina and safety of the other men. 

I was thinking and whispering with Eugene Roe as two of our men: Joe Toye and “Popeye” Wynn were “wounded”. Joe had a shoulder wound and Popeye had an upper thigh wound. Both we’re now patched up with Popeye having a syrette tied to his jacket. 

“We have to take one man off the line, to help Popeye near the Jeep, and once we drag Joe far enough he can start walking. One of us has to stay here, in case there comes an urgent need for a medic”, I whisper. 

Roe looks at me little uncertain, but nods. “We’re gonna need to call the jeep towards the edge of the woods, but still near enough, we can’t wait too much, since Popeye’s wound is a heavy bleeder”, he backs up with his Louisiana drawl. 

We report our plan, and luckily, we get the knowledge that we just saved more than two men, we the good decision of one of staying near the line. 

“But Winters, Roe, next time call for back up, we need all the good men in the line, when someone needs to be carried, try and get help along with the jeep. Even if it feels obvious, remember clear orders”, Dick says nodding as he looks over our work. 

I feel pride swell up in my chest, not because we did surprisingly well, but because I got good objective critique. Learn, Sonja, learn everything you can. 

--------------------

When the maneuver is over,  everyone looks more or less annoyed. Sobel turned out to be the epitome of good in theory, terrible in practice. My thighs were also on fire, even if I had good physical training, the crouched running in high speed for surprisingly long distances is rough. 

“So, how does it feel now?”, Skip asks as we sit together to eat. I was once again chatting with Skip. It felt good to have people who actually reacted well to my arrival. 

Joe was apprehensive still, but yesterday when we talked, he realized that I was just a proper farm girl from Minnesota. Nothing fancy even I used pretty words, I was just a curious soul. 

I shrug: “I was scared it was going to be worse, with all you told me yesterday. Apart from the reprimands I got for my height and lack of muscle tone, I feel like I got very just treatment”, I smile and take a mouthful of the food on my plate. 

Skip snorts and looks at me like I had gone crazy. “The man screamed at you, because you aren’t able to carry a man thrice your size, but instead you dragged him, come on “, he shakes his head. I shrug once again. 

“I’m here to do a duty, I’m assigned with you because I was deemed fit, and if I want to be fit enough I have to work for it. He cannot let me off”, I explain my side. Sobel had yes screamed at me for dragging Denver Randleman when he was wounded, but Christ I was happy I was even able to move him. I knew I should do better, but for now I just need to work harder. 

Bill shakes his head : “You’re a fucking skirt, ain’t no man carrying Bull from this company either” And continues to shovel down his food. 

Skip grins at me. “you see Nurse Winters, we fight your corner, even if you are green and weak”. I glare at him playfully. I know that’s what most of the men thought, but Skip was not one of them. He really had been there for me today on the field. Him and Penkala. If I did something wrong, they quickly did something to make me correct it. 

But when it comes to others, it had been a tough day. Joe Liebgott was constantly on my neck, I heard the way he spoke about me, I heard the way him and some of his friends said I did not deserve my place here. In all honesty, I couldn’t blame him. I was a woman, it was easy for them to think that I was just some hussy who crawled up the right thigh. I needed to deserve my place here, i needed them to see that I was more then just big doe eyes and pinned up hair. 

“What will you do when we are jump training?”, he asks suddenly. I was not jumping into Normandy, so I was not taken in for the parachute training. I swallow quickly and answer: “I’ll be doing PT or then preparing at the hospital. I cannot believe how big that hospital is, it truly is wonder”

Skip smiles at my happiness. It was easy for me to talk to him like this. One-on-one. I was still too nervous to open my mouth when I was in the middle of all the men. “You really like helping people, huh”,he chuckles. 

I nod and continue eating quietly.

------------------

Couple weeks later, I was a new woman. I knew my routine and I was dedicated to make it perfect. I still had very few friends, but they all seemed to have accepted my presence at least. Skip was still my safety blanket among the men. Me and Richard had made the decision of being very chaste and professional, even in private. Lewis decided it was a good reason to tease us for being the epitome of purity, but we saw it as a fair and responsible thing to do. 

The men did not know about him being my husband either, for the record the army had so many people with the same name, that it was not surprising that they didn’t even suspect it. Although it was harder and harder for me every day to hear one nameless sergeant keep pestering people about my husbands calm and correct ways. 

Today was my day, well it was a field exercise designed for medics. Many simulated casualties so that we could practice our bandaging, improvising and so forth. 

“Come on, I’m wounded plant me just a little one”, George tried pursing his lips as I bandaged his leg, making a improvised splint. I shake my head and bring two of my fingers first onto my lips then plant them on his. 

“There you go”, I say as I finish the bandage. He looks at me in mock horror, “You just put your dirty fingers into my mouth!”, he gasps. I roll my eyes smiling. 

“I put them on your mouth, you’re wounded, you have bigger worries”, I reason and look at him like a mother would look at a misbehaved child. He just mouths words mockingly and pats my head like I was his best dog to torture. 

Then what I see next makes me freeze, some of the medics truly sedating Sobel. Oh Christ no. I stand up and job over to them. “What do you think you are doing?”, I ask sharply at the two medics, Webb and Jackson, who are now trying to pull down Herbert’s pants. 

“Fuck of broad”, they snort and try to keep going. I purse my lips and kneel next to them. “I may be a nurse, but I am a part of this company. You are risking this mans health, which goes against every vow you’ve made. You may think I am just an ignorant woman, who wants to play a soldier, but I’m here to do my job. You might not care about him, but this is not the way to go”, I quietly advice them. 

They look at me raising their eyebrows as if they had to care what I’m saying. Webb then shakes his head and snorts grasping the front of my collar to bring me closer. 

“Oi, hands off the lady Webb!”, comes a raspy voice. Behind us comes Joe Toye with a makeshift sling. Webb doesn’t move at first not thinking Joe could be series. 

But once Joe stands behind us and growls “What did I just say?”, the hand comes off right away. “Nurse Winters had the balls to tell you off. I don’t care the fuck you are doing to that on the floor, but you ain’t disrespecting her”, he says seriously while looking at Webb and Jackson both. 

“Sorry Winters”, they both mumble. I sigh and stand shaking my head. “Just don’t hurt him”, I whisper and go to help with the evacuating. 

Joe stops me before I can go. I smile at him tenderly “Thanks for that Joe, it means a lot.” He shakes his head and one corner of his mouth raises up: “Just fighting for your corner, Bambi” 

I walk to the litters with a smile on my face. The nickname is ridiculous, but hey, I was finally fitting in. 

--------------------

“So no one reported?”, Nixon asks as we sit on our bunks. I shake my head: “Nope, I tried to tell them off Lew I really did”, I sigh and look at my hands. 

He chuckles: “Don’t say that anywhere else, they’ll ask you to identify”. The door opens and Dick steps in. Straight from the latrines. I smile at him in my PT gear. It felt nice, the shorts. I was not really a fan of anything restricting me from the waist down. Oh no Sonja, do not phrase things like that ever again. 

He smiles at me too and then does something surprising, he walks over to me and lays a kiss on my forehead. “You really impressed the men yesterday, I heard what you did”, he whispers. I shrug, it was nothing he wouldn’t have done. 

“Wanna plant one on me just as congrats?”, I ask in a tender whisper. He chuckles and gives me a sound kiss. I grin widely and take a look at my book Seitsemän veljestä. The Seven brothers, a Finnish novel. My brother send it to me one Christmas. Now the spine looked torn, Sobel had had his fun looking at it while throwing our things all over the place. When I saw the state of my books I almost cried. Luckily one of the soldiers from F-company, David was his name, was able to tell me where to get some cheap books. 

“You sicken me you know, ever since she came in you’ve become a freaking dog”, Lewis throws from his bed. Dick once again rolls his eyes and starts to neatly fold his clothing. “She is my wife, Nix. And we have been perfectly professional, you of all people know that”, he grunts taking his boots off. 

Nix chuckles, the sound a strange thing on it’s own. “I hit a nerve”, he sings and happily plops down once again.

And once again thank you @iilovemusic12us ❤️

[cuddlycolby]

Souls (S&C Fic) - Bots and Bows (8)

There was no better distraction than Ev wielding her sword. The way it so perfectly fit in her hand, and she could swing it for hours. It was oddly satisfying how the translucent blade tore through the drones we trained with. Everything about her glowed when she held it, especially the thrilled smile on her lips. 

Suddenly, all the drones seized their fire on Evie and Sam, and flew away back to their home stations. 

I turned a crooked eyebrow onto Thane. “What gives?” 

“Yeah? Corey and I were next,” Colby protested. 

He brought his hand down from the earpiece. “Get dressed in your uniforms.”

“Why?” Sam questioned. I could see the panic flare and, by the way Evie tensed, so did she. 

Even I had goosebumps bubble their way up my arms. This didn’t seem good. 

“Your first real fight. There’s an upset in downtown Denver. It looks lowkey enough for you to handle. Now go. Meet in garage one.”

I forced the insulted nature of his comment down. Despite our efforts and improvement, real battle didn’t seem like the greatest idea. Our last few simulations were our strongest. Since this was the first real mission, I partially understood his harshness. 

All of us sprinted while Sam zipped to our bunks to find the incognito gear. There had been an added item, eye masks, which meant Evie had gotten her way with them. But I did see the positive side to them; they hid our identities. There was no telling what we were facing and if they couldn’t look us up by our features, we were better off. 

The only showcase of our personalities were our shoes and the masks. Mine was silver and I wore combats while Ev’s was white and she had knee-high heeled boots. 

I smirked lightly. “Gonna be able to fight in those?” 

She stuck her tongue out. “You know I can, my love.”

We joined the others and I was actually shocked to see all of them wearing their eye masks. Sam shined a metallic gold, Jake had fiery red, Colby’s was dark as midnight, and Corey flashed dark green. There was a glimpse of him representing a certain superhero, and I couldn’t help laughing. 

“What’s up, Hulk?” I teased. 

Evie shook her head. “No, he’s Bunny Boy! It should be pastel green instead.”

Corey didn’t cringe at the nickname anymore. He embraced it, and did a little heroic stance. “Have no fear, Bunny Boy is here!”

“And Clasher,” Jake joined. His name needed some work. 

I opened my mouth to say something, but Thane walked into the garage area. “Team, we are boarding this bird and heading to downtown Denver. There’s a group being held hostage at a bank. You need to escort them out.”

The so to speak “bird” was a medium sized jet, pretty nondescript. Though landing it in that downtown wouldn’t have us go that unnoticed, unless there was some sort of invisible feature. I amused myself at the thought. But with everything this far, I wouldn’t rule it out as a possibility. 

“Do we know what enemy we’re fighting yet?” I asked. 

“It looks to be like regular people.”

All the guys cheered at what seemed like it would be an easy first mission. I couldn’t itch away the feeling that it wasn’t what it seemed. As our simulations, we’d take this one step at a time and then suddenly make a leap. We looked like superheroes, so we’d try to fit the bill if possible. 

“Obviously we’ll scope it out once there,” I replied. “Let’s go, team.” 

Inside the jet was sort of surreal. This was made for superheroes, fighters… Not a newly trained team like us. There were seats and headsets for each of us; the back carriage had containers full of, what I assumed were, parachutes for emergencies. When I had the headset on and we cleared for take off, I eyed Thane who sat beside me. 

“How many are held hostage?” 

“Thirty. Ten of those are the bank employees, the rest are customers. We have no idea how many are hurt.” 

I nodded. “We’ll get that covered first once inside.”

The flight was painstakingly long. Colby toyed with his hands and Sam teased a loose thread on his padded vest. Corey pretended to be interested in the interior of the jet while Jake looked unaffected now. He only stared at the ground, hands at his sides.

I was positive it wasn’t as long as I thought. We couldn’t have been that far if we were the help they called on. 

When we landed, we immediately poured from the opened back gate. Hastily, I pressed my earpiece to activate it as we started jogging toward the crowd. I could see smoke, and I knew that this would be rougher than expected. We picked up our speed and, as soon as we reached the first wave of heat, I yelled, “Sam and Evie, go on ahead to the civilians.”

There were so many people screaming. It was hard to drown them out to focus on finding the targets. It looked like a war had broken out on the streets. People turned against each other, and I watched in horror as a man shoved another man into the sidewalk. He lifted a fist, face unnervingly placid, and I felt my rage spike.

Without a second thought, I threw a buffer shield between them and ran to get closer. I blocked the man just as he brought his hand down. The man on the ground flinched away, covering his face, but the blow never came. Instead, his attacker began to direct their moves on me. The next block of his oncoming punch physically hurt; more than it should have. 

“Stella, I can’t paralyze these people,” Colby came through my earpiece. 

Corey added, “I think they’re robots.”

“They’re everywhere in the bank. Sam’s been keeping them distracted long enough, but we need back up,” Evie remarked. 

“We’re on our way,” I stated. I grabbed one of my regular arrows and plunged into the head of what looked like to be a real person. But the sound of the dying wires reminded me that it wasn’t. 

I vaguely heard my team already regretting the early celebration. 

"Shit," I muttered, and offered my free hand to the man. 

He looked with terrified eyes, but let me help him up. "What is this?"

I shook my head. "Something you don’t need to be in the middle of. Get out of here.” 

He didn't need further prompting as he took off.

Small fires ignited, catching onto cars and starting in on buildings. Too bad Grant or Emilie weren’t here to help with those. Instead I ordered for Jake to super clap them out before we all dug our way into the bank. It was two leveled with clear windows and doors as walls, and marbled floors.

For once, I halted. The robots swarmed the lower level. There wasn’t much to do other than fight at the moment. There was no indication of who was in charge, and who we were to negotiate with about releasing the innocent humans. Corey and Colby still tag-teamed while Jake and Sam fought on opposite sides of the room.

I could sense Evie and the group were trapped on the upper level. I took the stairs two at a time, loading arrows and letting them grow through anything they could. Finally, I reached her and the group, barricaded in the back.

“Damage?” I asked. 

She stood, the sword swiftly hung at her side. “A broken leg and two gashed stomachs. All fixed.”

I nodded. “Try to keep the healing to a minimum now. Let’s get the group out of here.” I hit the second button on the earpiece to ring in Thane. “The people have been healed. There’s no way we’ll get them out from the ground floor. There’s too many robots flooding.” 

“Bring them to the roof. We’ll land a copter there,” he replied. I didn’t even want to question why we didn’t land on the roof in the first place. 

“Is there a way to the roof from this level?” I looked to anyone who would answer. 

A woman hesitantly pointed to a single grey door in the back. “That’s the only entrance.”

I nodded. “Everyone, head to the second floor. Then I’ll shield us to get to the roof.” 

Colby grunted. “Not going to be that easy.” 

“Yeah,” Sam butted in. “They’re coming in from everywhere.” 

“There’s too many. They’re gonna fucking wipe us out,” Jake stated. I watched him hack a head off with a smaller axe and then flip to throw his larger into the back of another. I sort of hated to admit it, but Jake had fighting skills. 

They were right. There were dead-eyed people everywhere. 

As I was about to command Sam to switch places with me, the drones halted their attacks. It was so quiet, causing my ears to buzz a little at the sudden silence. 

“What’s going on?” Colby questioned, breathing heavily, but looked grateful for the break. 

“I don’t know,” Sam replied. 

“Let’s just get these people to the roof then while they’re not attacking. Everyone up to the second floor.”

Corey didn’t bother to take the stairs and took Colby with him while Sam did and sweeped Jake on his way. 

"Leaving so soon?"

My blood ran cold. The voice was sweet as honey, and I turned to face it. A girl stood in the doorway, smiling wickedly. She was beautiful. Her blonde hair was tied up in a ponytail, held in by a bow at least half the size of her head, and her long slender legs were accentuated by the short pastel pink skirt she wore. I felt anger bubbling in me. This must be our mastermind behind all this destruction. 

"Who are you?" I demanded, and with a single hand out in front of me, I captured her in a bubble. 

"I'm Mackie,” she said. I scowled. She sounded bubbly, but her face was cold. She didn’t seem afraid at all. The thoughts of how easily I could end her frightened me. 

“Why are you doing this?” Colby gritted his teeth and stood shoulder to shoulder with me. 

She only turned a calculating smile on us. “I know who you are, despite those masks. These people weren’t meant to be the intended targets. These first round of bots need a little readjusting.”

Jake narrowed his eyes. “Then who, huh? Us? Back the fuck off.”

“Oh, no. Quite the opposite actually. I love you guys and don’t want anyone else to hold the same. You’re for me and me only. I’m going to destroy everyone around your age so you have no choice but to love me too.”

I busted out laughing. I knew it wasn’t the right time by a long shot. I couldn’t stop though. “It’s not.... It’s not our villain. Fucking finally!”

Colby gasped and punched me in the arm. “It’s not funny, Stella. It’s fucking terrifying.” 

Evie was trying to catch her own breath and rested a hand on his shoulder. “We’re sorry… We’re just so used to being our fault.” 

Mackie’s nosed fared and she stomped her foot. “Would you shut up? I’m not a villain.” 

“Yeah, you are?” Sam scoffed, furrowing his brows. “Killing people makes you one.”

“Nooooo,” she whined now, and that engrained on me more than her regular tone; it caused me to sober up. “I just love you guys so much and don’t want anyone else to have you.”

“We don’t even know you!” Colby exclaimed, throwing his arms out to his sides.

“We’re not going to be your friend, alright?” Jake added. “Leave us the fuck alone.” 

Her sadness quickly vapored into anger again. “You will… Trust me.” 

I reversed the energy of my shield and closed it on her. “This is my only warning, Mackie. Leave my team alone or we will take you down.”

Her sneer faltered a little, though in a way she seemed to enjoy the slight pain. “You’ll come to your senses. Trust me.” 

The robots began to move again, and all of us flinched at the thought of fighting off more. I had to drop the bubble around her in order to set one around the group. I watched her flounce out of the building with no repercussions whatsoever. Where the hell were the police to arrest her? This told me it wasn’t the last time dealing with her. Next time, we’d need to be more prepared and take her in. 

Drones began to pound on the outside of the barrier, and some were shocked backwards. But I wasn’t sure how long I could hold this with that many trying to break through it. 

“Slight change of plans. Sam, I know you’re tired, but take who you can to the copter while the rest make a run for it. The five of us will create a wall to fight off the bots and make our way to the roof. Okay?”

“Okay,” Sam and Jake answered. 

Corey and Colby hesitated to respond, and I eyed them. “Okay? Once this shield is down, I’m not putting it up until necessary.”

Colby licked his lips, then wiped the back of his hand over them. “Yeah.”

Corey shrugged. “There really isn’t another option, so yeah.”

“Perfect.” I grinned before I used both hands to shove the bubble outward and caused the bots to disperse as much as possible. 

I snatched an arrow and loaded up. I made my aim before letting the fire go and it went straight through three heads of robots, severing whatever system controlled them, and they went limp to the ground. I motioned my hand in the direction of my arrow and kept it going around, trying to hit as many as I could before the flame went out. 

My feet took steps backward, going toward the staircase. Something wrapped around my neck and instinctively, I grabbed it to stop from choking me; though I struggled for a few seconds. I threw it over my shoulder and onto the ground. I grabbed a normal arrow and pierced it's forehead with it, twisting it like a knife, and then I pulled it back, placing it back in my holster.

Jake and I were the last ones to reach the door. I used another flame arrow to sweep five then set a barrier around him so he could pick up two desks and put them in front of the door. Then we made a sprint up the stairs. The barricade wasn’t going to hold them for long, but we only needed a minute or two to get up the stairs.

We caught up to the cabooses of our group, and as our door slammed shut, I heard a loud snap. My heart actually sped up in panic. 

“Fucking go, go go!” I ordered.

Thane stood outside at the end of the gate, and handed everyone a black vest before they boarded. He was down to what looked like the last two and the other four were back in their seats, still heaving for air. 

I spun around to make sure we were clear enough. It felt all too surreal seeing what I saw next. The bots came climbing up from the sides, and rabidly attacked one of the wings of the jet damaging it. 

“Fuck.” I mumbled. I motioned in the direction of them, picking them off in groups and I set a shield around the copter. As I made a run for the last foot before I could get on, Thane came through my earpiece, “We can't get airborne. One of the wings has been compromised.” 

“Can't you send out another one?” I asked. 

“We can't risk it.” 

I took a deep breath. “I-I can get you going, but I’ll have to stay outside.”

Evie shot up. “No, Stel!” she cried.”No!” 

I threw back the bots who tried to take me out from the sides. “We don’t have another option. I love you, Ev. I love all of you.”

Even from here, I could see the other four fighting back tears. 

“Let me come back out. I can jump us up,” Corey argued. 

I shook my head. “Better it’s only me. Stay inside the bird. That’s an order.” I set my jaw. “Close the gate.”

The pilot started to wind up the blades again, creating a warring wind. I planted my feet as much as possible to stop from flying back, and so did the rabid bots. This was a lot more than just a small first fight. I wrapped myself in a bubble shield as well before concentrating my force to push the black, wing machinery into the air. I yelled out in pain, sweat creasing on me. The faces of everyone I cared for flashed through my mind and it was all I needed to give a final push. I let out a sigh of relief when the pilot had gotten enough lift off and I could release the shield on them. 

Without a second thought, I clicked a button on my belt for the only anchor head I had and loaded it up as I began a sprint off the roof. They should’ve known I had another plan up my sleeve, but it was a long shot. I aimed and then let it fly, it’s small hooks attached to the copter.

I wanted to relax, but I’d never actually tested how long this anchor held for. And there were still bots left downtown. I took out as many more as I could before we were too far away. 

“You had your anchor,” Thane buffered through the earpiece. The wind from the outside was horrendous. 

I laughed breathlessly as I looked around from where I hung. “Of course I did.”

“I hate you,” Evie sniffled.

“We all do, captain,” Corey added and it sounded like he was holding back more tears.

I sighed heavily. “So do I.”

Next: Showers and Plans (9)

[Souls Masterlist]

[Mer Sterf]

[thisisridiculousdude]

I would like to state that I am ONLY making this account to address this issue and I will not discuss it after this. I will not engage with the online community regarding this, and I will not post anything else on here. However, I need to set the record straight because you’ve involved me in a personal way when you do not know me. Hello! My name is Em. I’m the current partner of @strawberryswisherrpt3 - otherwise known as Joey Hart. There are accusations firing at my partner, and him attempting to defend himself. In the original message, I was spoken to as though I was somehow a victim of my partner, or that I wasn’t fully aware of what was going on so I’m sitting here to address everything that has been said. This will not continue and I will not engage with people I don’t know, and that don’t know me, my life with Joey, nor him at this point in time. To Kai:

1. I have never harassed you. You attempting to paint the image of me bothering you in any way is ridiculous. I have made 2 posts to you in the 4 years I have been involved with Joey. The first (that I will attach to this post) was in direct response to you posting shitty things about my relationship with Joey of which you knew nothing about. I have EVERY RIGHT to defend myself or to inform someone of the truth. Sure, I was a little harsh in it with my word choices but I was incredibly angry that you inserted yourself in a relationship you were not apart of.

2. I AM NOT A VICTIM OF JOEY HART. I REPEAT, I AM NOT A VICTIM OF JOEY HART. I will not EVER reach out to you so I can “confide” in you about some horrific fact of a person that simply no longer exists. He has never and would never harm me.

3. You make the statement that I will never understand and you hope I don’t have to, so let me paint a picture for you. I’m 21, I start dating someone that I went to high school with that I trust with my life. He takes care of me while I’m sick, he knows all of my medical and personal information. I move across the country with him so I wouldn’t be a burden on my family. We get married so I have health insurance, and can have the procedures I need without paying an arm and a leg for them. I change my last name on my social security card with him promising to pay for me to have my license changed over too so I can eventually go back to work. He proceeds to slowly remove all food from the house, the keys from my pockets so I can no longer leave and if I do, I won’t be able to get back in. He started to speak to my mother, my daughter’s family, and my friends behind my back. He let them all know I was losing my mind, that I wasn’t making any sense and he was doing everything he could to make me happy but it never seemed like it was enough. In reality, he backed me into a corner. He was drunk. He had the windows open so our neighbors could hear him humiliate me. He yelled in my face that I was a whore. I was his wife and he could fuck me whenever he pleased. I didn’t have to tell  him yes or no. I didn’t have to consent. He owned me because I was his wife. I try my BEST to fight back. I yell, I beg him to close the window so the neighbors won’t hear. I cry and tell him I love him and i’m so sorry. Do you know what his response was, Kai? Do you want to know? His response was to rip open my dress, drag me by my hair, push me over onto our bed, rip my underwear off, shove himself into me, ripping me on his way in to where i was bloody with his hand shoving my face into the mattress so he could muffle my cries.That happened over and over again. He beat the shit out of me. He starved me. He held me hostage. If I tried to book a flight home to Texas, he’d find out. He’d cancel it because he worked at the airline. My family wouldn’t speak to me. I couldn’t get a job because my IDs didn’t match. When I finally decided I was going to leave him, he ripped the cushions out of the futon I was sleeping on so I had to sleep on raw springs. He would bring home a triple cheeseburger and 10 nuggets every single night and force feed me them but if I declined, I did not eat. He took my phone and controlled everyone I spoke to and everything I did. He used my personal information against me in an attempt to have me committed. After I finally found a way out, he ACTUALLY stalked me. He followed me home on the train and to my workplace. He called DCFS on me (the time you’re referring to that Joey told you) because I took my child and fled to a dude’s house because I was terrified for my life. I almost had my child taken away from me because of him. He kidnapped my child and took her to Denver CO without my consent or knowledge. He caused my daughter to hate me because he filled her head with lies about me. To this day, my daughter is his picture on Facebook.  I know what abuse is like. I know what it’s like to question your own sanity, to be so stained by what you considered love that you don’t know if you’re ever going to be able to feel safe again. I can no longer be touched without almost throwing up. I can’t answer phone calls I don’t know and I am always living in fear that he will finally find a way to kill me.  You do not have a right to tell me that I do not understand what you have endured in your life because I do. You do not know me. Do not belittle my intelligence and capability of rational thinking.

3. I’m not insecure of you and I never have been. I have never been under the impression Joey was trying to date you again because he never was. 4. The final thing I have to say to you is this: Joey has never hidden anything from me. He has never tried to justify his actions. I have always been honest with him whenever he has messed up, and he is well aware of the things he has done. He has taken accountability for the wrongdoings of his past and the people he has hurt. He told me every single thing before we started dating so I knew what his past was. He never hid it. He never tried to twist it to paint himself as a victim. He point blank said “I did this” without any attempt of swaying my opinion one way or the other. I CHOSE to acknowledge the fact that this is someone with a very stained past that goes far beyond what he has done to others, and what has also been done to him. I chose to pursue a relationship with him because I respected his honesty, and truly believed he wanted to move forward and work on being a better person. He can’t UNDO the things he has done. We all fucking know this, including him. But I’m TRULY confused on what you want him to do. What you expect of him. Like, do you want him to just disappear off the face of the earth? Because that isn’t going to happen. He’s got a life, he’s allowed to be on the internet and interacting with people that he knows or is involved with. The ONLY thing he can do is apologize, take accountability, and try to be better. That’s it. That’s all he can do. And I know he has apologized to you. I’ve heard it, and he did it again in the recent message to you. You absolutely do not have to accept his apology but you cannot say that he hasn’t attempted to take responsibility verbally to you directly. Same with Sarah. He messaged her on OkCupid to apologize well after they broke up and she essentially told him to fuck off (which is totally fine, and understandable) and he didn’t push the issue. He understood why she was angry and had every right to be. He left her alone and hasn’t once bothered her since. You know this happened because you were with him when it happened. Like literally WITH him physically and found out later and were angry. So I don’t understand. You don’t owe me an answer but i’m not stupid. I’m not naïve like you portray me to be, Kai. I’m not justifying or defending his past. I’m telling you the truth, which is that the person he is today is not the person he was then and you truly CANNOT say otherwise because you wouldn’t know. No one would know.  He reached out to you again on December 22nd because he reaches out to people from his past. Like you, I never really understood this, but I don’t make his decisions for him. It was probably a mistake and I’m sure he’s realizing this now, but either way, he left you alone. He didn’t message you again and he didn’t bother you. He didn’t vague post at you or say anything offensive to you/about you. He posted a photo of me with a ferret where YOU then said something shitty and he finally asked you to stop. He told you he wasn’t going to stop posting his personal stuff out of fear of what you may say.  Yes, it’s your blog and you can say whatever you want. No one is stopping you or trying to. However, you clearly know he’s looking just like you’re looking at his. His message to you was not reflective of the way he once was. That doesn’t suddenly mean he’s unchanged or not a better person from his mistakes (which for the final time, what else do you want dude). It means he got upset because he posted a photo of a ferret and you copied something shitty he said to you like 5 years ago in an email as a response to something that never required a response??? it was a photo of a ferret! Whatever. In general: As I said already, I won’t be addressing any of this again. I don’t know any of you and I’m not going to pretend to. I do know my partner though and I do know the things he has done because he has been honest. He’s told me when he was having doubts about our relationship, He’s told me virtually every single thing that he’s done or experienced. He has worked very, very, very hard to work on his toxic patterns and address his past in a way that is meaningful for his future as a person, all while understanding that the past cannot be undone and taking full accountability where it is due.  He is disabled, he is schizophrenic, he is neurodivergent and he has been since he was a child. Some of the behavior you comment on is clear schizophrenia. He is NOT RESPONSIBLE for his family. He does not have contact with his family. He has not been in contact with them for nearly a year. We endured the exact same thing as all of you did from his family while we resided there which isn’t okay and I don’t blame any of you for feeling uncomfortable or unsafe there. However, he can only do so much. He can only yell at his family so much. He can only demand they stop doing something so much. It’s not feasible for someone who brings in $863 a month to simply move out and quite frankly, it’s incredibly ableist to push that narrative. His family abused him his entire life. His dad was absolutely horrific to his mom, and grandmother. He harassed Susie literally to fucking death. And to be clear: none of this excuses his actions. These are not excuses, these are facts. Someone can state that they were severely mentally ill and had undergone a lifetime of abuse and trauma that caused them to act out a certain way or have a distorted sense of reality to some degree (schizophrenia), or even harm those they cared for or were near because of those things. That does not make someone a bad person. That means they have done bad things. For the final time: he cannot undo what he did. To anyone. He cannot take it back even though he DOES wish he could. ALL HE CAN DO is try to move forward and better himself while acknowledge who he was to prevent himself from being that person again. He is not perfect, I’m not perfect. But he is different now than he has ever been. He has continued to grow over the time I have known him and whether you believe that or not is not something I can control but it’s not something I’m going to continue to let spew from people that no longer know who he is. I have chosen to remain silent until now, and I will go back to being silent of my own accord because I’m not going to engage with anyone who is insistent and honestly, hell-bent on destroying a person who has done exactly what you SAY you want done and why you SAY you’re doing this “again:” so he’s accountable.  I truly do not understand the purpose of this and I truly do not appreciate you saying things about our relationship that are not true. You do not know anything about our relationship, about me as a parent, about my life at all. You’ve made derogatory comments about me in the past because I lived in the house with his family since I was laid off from my job and lost my housing. You compared babysitting your siblings to me having a child alone in a hospital room at 15 and raising her by myself. You felt the need to comment on how my child would be hurt by the fact that I left relationships which I had to do because I was being raped or glass was thrown at my head. You do not know me. You will never know me, and I don’t want to know you. You don’t know him either, as I’ve said a million times over in this entire post. This won’t change anything if you’re not willing to listen to the person who DOES know him best now. This is all I have to say. I’m done now.

[jbbuckybarnes]

Zerfall - 1/14

Pairing: Bucky x named!Reader (Agent Andromeda) Summary: After Hydra drops virus bombs in 7 major American cities in the height of summer, the team is locked in their emergency bunker for weeks. The virus commonly called the Summer Poison successfully brought the infrastructure to a halt in all big cities. When the virus slowly starts burning itself out SHIELD Agents and Avengers are sent out to bring back order into the cities and the international relationships. Not without hurdles. Warnings for this chapter: Pandemic, mainy people in a small space, fear

Zerfall Masterlist || M a s t e r l i s t

The alarm sirens were blaring in the entire compound, a computer voice repeating the words, “Emergency Level Red, Code Black.” Level Red meant to get into a safe space fast, Code Black meant, “You should probably call your mum and tell her you love her a lot.” The entire team including you and your colleague Agent Magnolia instantly went into action, all silently hoping it was a test. “Friday? What the hell is going on?” Tony yelled out. “Sir, if there was a code double black, I would call it. Get in the bunker!” She urged him through the overwhelming amount of sounds the building was suddenly able to create. The blood drained out of multiple faces, not yours, you were trained for any kind of emergency situation. Not only an Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D but also a SAID Agent. Trained for any thinkable Code Black. Agent Andromeda. The door to the bunker was open and after Friday confirmed that everyone had gone through the door Steve closed down the door manually in a blink of an eye. You all looked around, panting from running down the stairs and searching for the bunker entry that opened up. The place was small but big enough to live in for a while if that needed to be done. The room you’d entered was full of tech equipment and two walls full of canned foods and tap with a big filter construction connected to it. Stark never struck you as a survival kinda guy, at least not in this specific sense, but you weren’t complaining about clean water. There was an open door leading to a room full of bunk beds.

“So what the fuck happened, Friday?” Tony asked irritated by the adrenaline coursing through his veins. “There has been a series of explosions over heavily populated areas a few hours back, only detected by little equipment monitoring the air. Bioweapons. Hydra says they are responsible and that there is a highly contagious and deadly virus that was spread with these explosions.” Friday said it short and straight forward. “Then why aren’t we doing something against it?” Steve looked up at the speaker system with a frown on his face, ready to go back out again. “Mr. Rogers, until we know if that virus is deadly nobody will leave this bunker. I’m programmed to keep as much of this team alive in situations like this. Singapore DORSCON level red. World Health Organisation phase 6, approaching 7. That means it is a pandemic. If I let you out you could die in less than a week if this is as deadly as Hydra says.” The AI urged him. “Please update us.” Tony exhaled stressed leaning on the chair behind him, before sitting down. “Will do, sir,” Friday assured him.

Everyone started adventuring the Bunker. The last big exercise was a while ago and the team had grown since then. Clint found the room with 4 power generators first. “I hope we don’t need this. We are still powered by your reactor model, right?” Clint peaked out at Tony and got a nod back. The billionaire was properly done with what was happening. The only thing keeping him from exploding was Pepper going through his hair. Sam was the one finding all the gaming equipment and making an excited little dance in the middle of a possible apocalypse. “You’re the worst, Wilson.” Natasha rolled her eyes. “Come on, if we live in a time of bioweapons I want to at least have some distraction. Can’t fight a virus with military training.” He grinned. Agent Magnolia was the one finding the arsenal of weapons hidden in a giant box below the bunk that was behind the door. She showed you the knife ensemble that was included and grinned at you. “Visible forces definitely won’t kill us down here.” You grinned back.

“How many are we?” Clint called out to the others. Pepper looked up concerned, “Twelve, why?” “There are only 10 beds.” came back and some of the team members interchanged worried glances for a second. “We have married couple and work couples here. I think that won’t be the problem.” you smiled and looked around you at Pepper, Tony, Steve, and Nat. “So Pepper & Tony share a bed. Who else?” Sam asked, suddenly very tense again. “Nat?” Steve looked down at his favorite team member. “Yeah, I don’t mind. You’re warm.” she smiled back up at him. “That will be the least of the problems with 12 people in an enclosed space.” Dr. Helen Cho finally came to word after she had calmed down from her personal existential crisis about viruses. Wanda pointed at the walls and the sink, “For how long would the food and water here last?” “Depends if we only eat twice a day. Could hold up for 90 days. Water won’t be a problem with my filter system.” Tony explained. There was another concerned glare between everyone, hoping that 90 days would be enough for the virus to decently die down if it was as bad as expected. “There is confirmation of the virus to be deadly by 70-85% from a Silicon Valley lab.” Friday’s voice broke through after a little more than an hour. “Analyze how deadly, how long people need to die, which symptoms, how long the recovery period is for people living,” Bruce called out, sitting on one of the computers that he didn’t leave since they had entered the bunker. “And the international political climate,” Tony added. “And when it’s safe enough for me to start working on a vaccine with the help of people outside.” Helen also added her factors. “Will do.” The AI voice answered and the room went silent for a second.

“Which cities are targeted?” Agent Magnolia finally asked the important question “NYC, D.C., Atlanta, Miami, LA, Chicago, Denver.” Friday listed. “Atlanta has the most used airport in the world. Great. A perfect recipe for a pandemic. How long did it operate after explosion.” You shared, rubbing your temples and having your brain start to overwhelm just like the scientists’. “4 hours, Agent.” Came back. “We’re in here for a good few weeks.” You deadpanned, putting all the factors together in your head. This wasn’t going to be a quick in and out thing. You’d be in this small space for at least 1-2 months if not longer. Everyone went back to the bunk they had chosen and tried to relax. You were trying to write down possible outcomes and strategies based on that in a notebook you found. There were so many factors to viruses and how people are infected and from which strain the virus is made. You bet on smallpox, a hard thing to get with only two original samples existing in the entire world. One in the US, one in Russia. You bet on Russia since Hydra said they were responsible. They were trying to bring chaos to the world for the bad people to team up in a post-apocalyptic world so that they could take over control. You had learned how this worked over and over again. Not only as an Agent but also from books, movies and games. It was so obvious but that made it easier for you to go about possibilities to create a strategy.

“The entire US and most of the western world is currently on lockdown & people are being quarantined.” Friday updated the bunker again and an exhale went through the bedroom. “Martial law already in place?” Steve looked up from a book he had found. “Not yet, but we’re close.” “Chill, Rogers. You can’t do much more than you’re already doing.” Sam said hanging from the bed in front of him. “I know, it’s just. I hate this, all of it. I didn’t fight in World War II for this to happen at the hands of Hydra.” he frowned and got an understanding nod back. “Can’t we go out there without getting sick?” Bucky spoke up still wearing his pajama jumper from sleeping in that morning. “Well, depending on how deadly this is, no. If the whole thing is a little more clear I might send you out to get samples for me to work on it.” Helen yelled from the other room. “Would love to help with that.” he smiled. He’d do anything to help humanity. The had already ruined his life and he ruined other lives under their influence. That’s the least he could do. “It’s getting late, get yourself ready for bed.” Pepper came in with a motherly smile. “We need a monitor that’s just showing day and night scenes, this is gonna mess us up,” Magnolia muttered before opening one of the closets. The standard-issue clothing in the closets were mainly Large and a few double XL. There was a washer but the drying system needed to have the ventilator system work better again and that wouldn’t be happening until the virus was going slower. Two to three weeks in the same 4 clothing sets seemed okay. Anything longer would be horrible for everyone involved.

“Atlanta spreads to Beijing, Dubai, Tokyo, Shanghai, Hong Kong, Paris, Dallas, Seoul, Amsterdam, Frankfurt, Singapore,” you mumbled laying in your bed, looking at the metal above you. “Hey, relax. We can’t do more than help the people working on it to do the right things.” Bucky looked over from the bed across. “I know. I know. That’s just, so many people dying.” You looked over. An understanding nod came back at you. In your head, you went with a 75% death rate and that was bad if you thought about the areas you just mentioned. Big Chinese cities, Central Europe, South East Asia.

Zerfall Masterlist

[daydreamingabouthockey]

Rough Day- Tyson Barrie

Plot: Tyson Barrie is having a rough time after being traded to Toronto. Y/n sees him on the TTC and tries to comfort him.

Note: I don’t know the guy or how he feels about the trade.But I guess anyone would be sad about being traded right? I loved him in Colorado so when he got traded from my favourite American team to my favourite Canadian team I was sad but happy. This was totally inspired by the fact I met him on the TTC a few months ago (he wasn’t crying don’t worry) but he was just staring off into space. he was lovely anyway. So thankful I got the subway that night instead of an Uber. Hockey gods were looking down on me!

Word count: 1,747

You stared down the platform, there was only one other person around, he was a a youngish guy. He was just standing there staring into space. You made eye contact but he noticed pretty quickly and turned away. that was awkward, you thought, but then again this was Toronto. You stare back up at the board, another five minutes to go. “Fuck should I should have gotten an Uber,” you mutter under your breathe shuffling your feet to keep warm. At least all of those leaf fans had gone now so the train would be empty. Not that you followed hockey, the fans were just a pain on match days. Finally you hear the hum and clink of the tram. “Finally” you huff.

You watched the tram doors open. It was empty now as a dozen people scurried off. It was nearly ten in the evening.The doors were about to shut when the young guy from earlier dashed through the door. He looked like he was in his mid twenties, with curly dark brown hair.His expensive looking suit and black coat he looked like a business man in the city.He let out a sniff and a laugh before sitting down opposite you. That’s when you realize he’s not laughing, he’s crying or more accurately sobbing. You stand there for a moment wondering what to do. You look around you two are the only people on the TTC. You stand there conflicted, he might be a weirdo crying but then again he sounded super upset. In this situation you’d want someone to check on you. Your mind was racing, if you heard something had happened to his guy tomorrow you would feel terrible you never said anything.

You get up and take the seat next to him. He doesn’t notice at first “Are you ok?” You ask, tapping him on his shoulder. “I mean obviously you're not but,” you say realising asking if he was ok was pretty dumb.

“No, not really I’m sorry I’ve just had a really bad day,” he says looking up at you with his dark brown eyes. His face is red and puffy from crying. “You wanna talk about it? I won’t judge,” you say giving him a simatheic smile

“I can’t,” he says looking down fiddling with his jacket sleeve.

“It’s okay, I’m sorry you're having a bad day…” you pause when you realize you don’t even know the man’s name. “Tyson,” he said sniffing again

“Tyson,” you said with a nod “I’m y/n”

“We all have bad days and that’s ok and there is no shame in crying, I don’t know what you're going through but, bad days and months they pass, I promise, I know it’s cliche, last month my boyfriend of five years out of the blue dumped me, it was hard we’d been engaged over a year, then my job made me redundant, I cried a lot but everyday the pain got less and less day and eventually I got back on my feet” you say, rooting through your bag for a pack of tissues. You finally find them and pass one over. “Really?,” he asked

“Yeah,” you says suddenly wondering why you’d told this stranger your life story. “That’s tough I’m sorry” ,he said dabbing his face.“its’s okay I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make it about me, I’ll leave you alone now, I just wanted to make sure you were ok,” you say awkwardly getting up “ no please don’t leave me, I might be getting fired,” Tyson blurts out. “And I really really don’t want to be, that’s why I was upset”

“Oh,” you said, plopping back down on the seat. “Well no- one wants to get fired,” you say slowly.“I’ve only just moved to Toronto in the last few months and that was really hard, leaving my friends in Denver, but I had no choice,”

“I can understand that, I hated leaving my friends and family in LA, what makes you think you're being fired? I mean you don’t know?” You ask gently “I messed up, big style and now my manager wants to get rid of me, I know they do, I’ve heard the whispers and the worst part is I could end up anywhere in another city or town I hate, I just want to go back to Denver, I miss it so much,”

“They can’t fire you for one mistake and come on now Toronto isn’t that bad,” you laugh “No I guess not,” he sighed “it's just like Toronto is the central city for what I do so everyone is looking at me, in Denver it was just easier,”

“Ah okay, are you from Denver then?”

“No Victoria BC, my work means can I move around a lot,I’ve lived in Denver for eight years though” he said you could see his face instantly change and light up when he mentioned Denver“Well now I get why you wouldn’t want to leave Denver, I’ve heard it’s beautiful around there,”

“Oh it is,” he says sadly and you realise you’ve said the wrong thing. “Not that Toronto isn’t great too,it’s just different,” he says.

“I wouldn’t normally do this but, do you want to go out for a drink?” You ask offering your hand to get up just as the subway came to a stop ‘Sure why not,’ he said with a shrug grabbing your hand.

In the end the you ended up at your place. The two of you sat with a glass of red wine. He stretched out on your sofa, his head in your lap. You ran your fingers through the curly locks of hair. He told you all about his friends back in Denver Nate who was a big dumb boy who insisted people called him Nate dog with two g’s. EJ, Josty who she realises is not his real name but a nickname is a loveable pest and then there is the clear leader of the pack, Gabe who in Tyson’s words looked like a Swede god.But had a very big head literally Which Nate and Tyson made fun of all the time. You in turn told him about your weird friends and family and how you ended up coming from sunny La to cold snowy Toronto. It was strange you felt like you had been friends for years. You felt such a sense of ease and peace with this guy, like conversation was never forced yet you knew you had no romantic feelings for this guy and you knew he felt the same. Tyson ended up crashing on your sofa and in the morning you cooked breakfast together before you both had to leave for work. But before you did he said something rather odd. “Can you not tell anyone about this my weird breakdown? Can it be between us?” He said adjusting his tie “Yeah sure,”

The pair of you swapped numbers, you kept in contact texting now and then. Tyson had said his work was a little better his co-workers were supportive of him. Which made you happy although you knew he still wasn’t a hundred percent happy. He had booked a trip to Colorado to see his friends in the summer. You had tried to meet up a couple times but his work kept him busy and you had lots of things going on too. You knew he worked unsocial hours but what he exactly did was still a mystery to you. It wasn’t until two months later, you got that answer, when you saw Tyson’s face again. Except this time it was on tv. You were sat in a bar with your gal pals nursing a glass of red wine. “Toronto Maple leaf Tyson Barrie, has been traded back to the Colorado Avalanche in return for Nazem Kardri, the Victoria born player Barrie spent the year playing for the leafs in a statement he said “I’ve enjoyed playing for the leafs this last year, but I’m excited also to go back to Denver and play again for the avs with my old buddies,” the screen showed Tyson being interview his face beaming with happiness, the same guy but so different from the one you met that night on the train. “Can you turn this up please?” You ask the bartender. He nods. “Y/n I didn’t realize you were this into sports,” your best friend Jan says looking at you surprised “I’m not not really but I’m just interested in this story,” you say signalling to Tyson Barrie who they were showing shots of on the ice, “oh Barrie,” Jan said rolling her eyes. “what?” You ask curious, you’d never really followed hockey before.“He was terrible for the leafs I’m glad we are giving him back,”she says pointing to Tyson. “Poor dude give the guy a break,” you say sympathetically, not taking your eyes off the screen. “Why are you defending him, you don’t even watch hockey,” Jan asks You shrug “I dunno I guess it can’t be easy, being a professional athlete, having all eyes on you,”

“Because you know a lot about that, poor little millionaire,” Jan said taking another sip of her wine and rolling her eyes. You know that you don’t really know what it is like but you got a glimpse into that life when you met Tyson on the train that night. You had no idea he was a millionaire. Wow. Even still millionaires aren’t exempt from mental health problems. Especially when all eyes are on you. Now you understood why he disliked Toronto for his job so much. Toronto media were known in any sense for being ruthless. You excuse yourself to the washroom and once safely in the stall you get out your phone and send a text.

To: Tyson

I’m happy for you. I told you it would all work out eventually. X

To: Y/n

Thanks y/n,

To: Tyson

I’m just a phone call away if you need to talk x

You slip your phone back into your bag. “Who are you texting?” Your best friend asked raising an eyebrow. You give a smile, you weren’t going to tell them about your night with Tyson, you'd promised that night would just be between the two of you. “Just a friend,” you say. Your phone pinged again.

To: y/n

I’ll let you know and next time I’m in town maybe we can grab a drink?

To: Tyson

I’d like that Tys, good luck in Colorado xx

[bugsrepellsgant]

OKIE ive been kicking this au around my brain for months so here’s an outline or whatever

WORKING TITLE: toki and pickles travel cross country to california like kermit and fozzie in the muppet movie OR toki and pickles do america

TL;DR toki and pickles are both 17-ish, the year is 199X, theyre hauling ass to socal to audition for SnB, but instead they accidentally get dethklok together and fall in love :-)

pickles has freshly stepped out and couch surfed his way to greenbay, and just managed to scrape together enough cash for a bus ride to minneapolis (going east to go west is counterintuitive and dumb but so is american public transport) BUT THEN

toki’s one-ish year out of home, has scraped together enough money working for runke to apply for a passport but once he gets to the offices oh no!!! he doesn’t have any proof of citizenship! and he’s a minor! aw fuck now he’s gotta stow away on an oil tanker cus staying isnt an option (yes this is paddington now)

he lands in boston harbor, gets far enough inland on foot and by ferry until he reaches GREEN BAY, WI and he’s a day or two of panhandling away from meeting the ticket fee BUT THEN

its friday night which means its fucking college football night which means SHITTY COLLEGE BROS HAVE DESCENDED UPON THE CITY!

pickles gets briefly needled for being short and ginger but u know he Lives hes been getting this kind of shit forever. HOWEVER toki is immediately singled out as a funny lookin, high voiced, gnome hat weirdo with an accent and he’s trying to laugh along ??? ha ha?? but its so Bad and pickles feels Bad but he’s gotta get outta here-

Oh God one of the bros tried to to take toki’s guitar away and toki flipped shit and its a fight now!! he’s outnumbered but our boy pickles intervenes!!! they’re winning? OH GOD SOMEONE CALLED THE FUCKING COPS

escape! safe; breathless in an alley; “hey whats yooooour name???” “toki!” “heheheheh toke-ki >B-)” “?????” “im pickles” “you namesed pickle???? ‘,:-/“ bla bla bla oh u play guitar? i play drums but i like guitar too there’s a band in LA i wanna play for ya wanna come with???

a car is obtained at... some point

and OH BOY DOES HE!

a long series of shenanigans occur! our boys get stopped, turned around, detoured, misdirected, all kinds of classic farce bullshit, later on we make and pick up friends at pitstops! a fellow highschool dropout with a killer voice in kissimmee, the best guitarist youve heard in your life dodging swedish mandatory service in chicago, a dude with the stankiest bassline (and feet) that side of the mississippi in the texas panhandle, a TOTAL buzzkill geek of a harvard freshman on summering at his family villa near denver, a cool headed, smart as hell, fuckin julliard composer in training who produces music FOR FUN visiting her family in downtown phoenix.

oh my GOD what is seth fucking DOING HERE is that lady his GIRLFRIEND is she PREGNANT what the HELL GO HOME IF YOU TELL MOM WHERE WE ARE ILL KILL YOU DEAD

seth’s also hanging out with this other guy who seems...... cool? you think? fun, talented, good at guitar like both our boys, pickles’ kinda guy to be honest? there’s something about him thats hard to trust though.

sharing hotel rooms, sleeping in truck beds, they get curious about each others lives? pickles clocked toki as a weird hick at first blush, and tbh he was right but? he went to highschool with farm kids and knows farm kid-weird from weird-weird and toki’s WEIRD-weird. and sweet. and funny. the polaroid in toki keeps of a man and a woman, the man in a reverend’s hat, makes pickles scared to ask. especially since toki’s been cool enough to mind his own business.

toki’s fascinated by pickles’ bouts of righteous anger. unlike runke, his rage has energy and intent, and the stunt he pulled in green bay was so nice and so COOL! he’s one such real cool guy with a cool leather jacket and cool hair... but Why is he so mad all the time? why does he drink so much, it doesnt even taste good? why does he STEAL drinks when they have no money? what happened to toki’s nice, cool, brand new friend pickle? something like what happened to toki? but? pickles is so Cool and Nice and NORMAL and toki is so Weird and Stupid and Wrong in ways toki’s horrified to let him discover. its better not to ask him, he guesses.

feelings get stronger as all the bad things come to light. crying hugs are had. pickles drops what was going to be bus money on a replacement V for toki and toki drops his panhandling dough on a goldtop for pickles.

WE FINALLY GET TO LA AND......? what the fuck

the glam/hair scene is dead in the water. Snakes n Barrels supernova’ed. no more audition. no more career. shit shit shit.

but all the friends weve made along the way are here for our boys! they’ll just start their OWN BAND!!!! TAMPA! MORDHAUS! DETHKLOK’S A-GO!! everythings comin up milhouse!

our boys are Officially *an item* and they ride into the sunset together, stirrup to stirrup, side by side. big gay kiss. the end :-)

OTHER THINGS THAT HAPPEN:

amber goes into labor during one of seth’s drop in visits and everyone gets emo about family as a concept, pickles and seth gave a heart to heart, no one is too metal for feelings when the baby comes bc life is beautiful

magnus pulls some scary/mean bs but its nothing too awful and theres forgiveness and lessons learnt and stuff.

the duel! but theres THREE GUITARISTS?????!!!!!!!!!! MAYBE FOUR?

toki and pickles will both have religious drama but pickles’ drama is more of a sidenote in his list of Issues (pickles’ family is probably catholic and i was raised catholic and i GOTTA project. i GOTTA)

lgbt themes because IM GAY and THEYRE GAY PRRRRBBBBT

murderface? finds love?? GAY LOVE???

this post is too long g-g-g’byeeeee!

[dadvans]

hot fireman sidney crosby - 2

oh boy, well. here’s 5,000 words of pure self-indulgent nonsense! previously: [insp.] [1] 

MALKIN 71

At the beginning of his four-day shifts, Sidney usually likes to get to the station an hour early with fresh carafes of coffee that come from the coffee shop down the street.  Sidney likes being liked, and has found out it’s the easy things over the years that endear his men to him and earn their trust; coffee a step up from the mud the ancient pot at the engine house spits out is a kindness that Sidney can afford a couple times a month, and it’s earned him the respect and loyalty of anyone who has ever had to go seventy-two hours with nothing but Folgers.  

It’s the first week of August.  The sun comes up at five and Sidney wakes up with it and drives with his windows down to smell the grass-sweet air that comes with summer while it’s still cool, before the heat catches up with the morning.  It’s quiet this early, and Sidney loves it, yearns for it in a way he never would have thought possible when he was a lonely kid, before he signed up for a lifetime of sirens and alarms and guys who play grab ass in the communal showers.  The barista at the coffee shop unlocks the doors as he parks, and when he gets inside it’s quiet there too, the music still off, no line of people mumbling sleep soft to wait behind, just the bell chiming as he walks in.

“Just gimme a sec,” says the girl behind the counter, rubbing the top of her register.  She’s got his carafes ready and waiting, sleeves of cups and packets of sugar and creamer that he doesn’t need but can add to the communal drawer back at the station.  “My computer’s sleepy this morning too.”

Sidney smiles at her and fumbles for his phone, because even years of dealing with the public have left him absolutely inept at small talk.  She has her own mug of coffee and sips at it, not seeming to mind.  

The register finally boots up and he pays.  While he’s scooping everything up in his arms, the bell over the front door rings again.

In walks the hottest, weirdest looking guy that Sidney has ever seen.  A complete stranger--well, he half walks in; he’s standing still in the doorway like a cat Sidney had as a kid, one that could never decide if she wanted to be inside or outside, so she would just sit in the open frame of their sliding back door and cry.  Sidney says, “huh,” trips over himself while looking at the guy, and drops a sleeve of coffee cups on the floor.  

“You okay?” the guy asks.  Thick accent, deep voice, like water getting sucked down a drain.  He’s still standing in the doorway, oh, probably holding it open for Sid who had his arms full.  Sidney picks the sleeve up and feels like a dumbass and smiles and does not look the guy in the eyes as he walks past.

“Yeah,” he says.  “Thanks.”

The guy hums.  Sidney’s stomach churns.  He doesn’t let himself stare until he’s out of the shop and he can see the guy standing at the counter, smiling up at the menu and rubbing at his chin with one big hand.  Sidney hadn’t noticed the hands before, just that he was all legs in shorts that would be short on a normal person but are tiny on him, and a long-sleeved blue warm-up shirt from Pitt.  God, he’s a monster, Sidney tries not to think, and he blindly fumbles for his keys so he can get the fuck out of here and go to work, but he can’t stop staring.  The guy turns to the barista and through the windows Sidney can see the name MALKIN stretched across his shoulders with the number 71 underneath.

Oh, Sidney thinks, and he files it away for much, much later.

Sidney doesn’t date and he doesn’t sleep with anyone he knows in town.  That’s what conferences are for.  He has conferences in Philly, and conferences in New York City, safety seminars and management training in Atlanta and Los Angeles and Denver.  He’ll download Grindr for a night and find some dude’s dick to suck, some guy to hold down in his hotel room and use all the strength he’s built up saving lives and serving his community to pin someone faceless to his bed until he’s coming red-faced into the sweat at their hairline.

He learned when he was little that the things you love are the first thing that someone uses against you, and looking at another boy too long and too openly in the locker room would get you called a faggot at lunch, and that the way he felt about people--strongly--was too real, realer than every other real thing that he let people tear away from him.  So he’s never let himself love anyone for keeps, and no one’s ever been able to hold it against him.

It doesn’t stop him from looking, though.

GENO

Halfway through September the local high school spends a day bringing the new freshman class in groups to tour the fire station.  It has something to do with accountability and community service and fire safety.  Sidney was freaked out the first few years, when he was still a teenager and self-conscious and shy until he realized that most fourteen-year-olds either didn’t give a shit, or they were still kids who just wanted to ride in the fire truck and make the siren go off or slide down the fire pole.  And kids can be shits, but they’re still kids, and Sidney’s a whole grown-ass man who can take care of himself.

So he actually kind of likes the field trip days.  Hell, some of the kids actually think he’s cool and look at him with big hero eyes the same way he used to be when he was their age, and isn’t that something.  He finds himself having fun even, trying to show off maybe, greeting kids by coming down the fire pole himself just to hear them collectively whoa about it.

He’s seen Malkin 71 from the coffee shop frequently around town from a distance for the past month; leaning against bike racks talking with friends outside of bars, on his morning runs when Sidney’s driving to the station, leading the high school cross country team around town after school gets out and more than once using an arm to clothesline a student about to run into traffic.  Sidney hasn’t done any sleuthing besides taking the time to notice what should seem fairly obvious about a new person in a small town, but he still feels unsettled with the way he can pick out Malkin 71 in a crowd the way most people can find the big dipper in a sky full of stars.

The second time they’re face to face is when Sidney comes down the fire pole to greet the freshman tour group and sees him right there, a head and some change around the crowd.  He’s been laughing, both of his arms wrapped playfully around some students’ necks in an arm lock in mock-condescension--chaperone, Sidney’s mind unhelpfully adds to his mental file, right underneath high school teacher? and sleepy eyes.  He stops laughing when he sees Sidney.

Sidney smiles despite himself, his weird, too-big nervous smile that he’s self-conscious about but can’t help when he feels like he’s gotta carry the weight of the whole room.  He starts talking and hopes that whatever comes out of his mouth makes sense, his eyes flickering over Malkin 71 every three seconds until he’s done and Schultz and Dumo take the group away to slobber all over some CPR dummies.  One of the kids says something snarky on the way out, and Malkin 71 steps on the back of his shoe completely on purpose, and the kid trips forward.

“Geno!” the kid says, and Sidney’s almost worried for a second until the kid starts laughing, and knocks him on the chest lightly with the back of his hand.

“What?” Geno replies, innocent enough, pulling him close by the shoulder.  “Maybe not be so clumsy?”

Geno, Geno, Geno, Sidney repeats in his head, like a password, like a secret, like the combination to a safe.

MR. MALKIN

Rotary meetings are Wednesday afternoons, and Sidney usually goes to represent the district, because Mario is too busy with other shit.  Sidney owns one suit, and he’s owned it for seven years and he doesn’t wear it hardly ever, but he’ll wear it to Rotary.  It’s not the most expensive suit, but it’s got some flex to it, which has been great as Sidney’s grown into his body and muscle over the years and stretched out the thighs.  The jacket has become too tight through the shoulders though, and the back cut fans out awkwardly over his fireman butt, so he’s starting to wonder if he should just give up and toss it out and wear the same starched shirt and slacks he wears every other day to the office.

Geno is sitting at one of the tables when he walks into the banquet room, and Sidney instantly has sweaty palms, and finds himself fiddling with the hem of his jacket.  Geno’s also wearing a suit, but Sidney can tell it actually fits him even though Geno’s just sitting down, thanking the girl pouring him a glass of water.  

He’s sitting at Sidney’s usual table.  Fuck, Sidney thinks, and counts to five and tries to contort his face into some friendly expression and not lust-derived terror, and goes to sit down.  

“Fire Captain Sidney Crosby!” Geno greets him, which oh no, is so much worse than Sidney imagined.  

“Yeah, I, uh.  Hi,” Sidney says lamely, and he stares at Geno’s name tag which has EVGENI MALKIN scribbled on it in bold, red sharpie.  Did he mishear, back at the fire station?  “Hi, Mr. Malkin.”

“You maybe not remember me, I’m new teacher at high school!  I bring freshman to station on field trip,” Mr. Malkin says.

“No, I remember you,” Sidney says, which is stupid because they saw each other for maybe five minutes that day, so he says, “you tripped a student,” because he’s an idiot.

Mr. Malkin’s eyes go wide, and he stiffens slightly through the shoulders, embarrassed.

“It was funny,” Sidney continues, because he’s terrible at this.  Apparently it’s the right thing, because Mr. Malkin warms up at it.  He gives Sidney a Cheshire Cat grin and looks like he’s about to say something else when they’re both interrupted by the assisted living director who wants Sidney’s attention before the meeting starts.  They don’t get the opportunity to pick up the conversation again, as Mr. Malkin is introduced as such: today’s guest, a new staff member filling in multiple vacancies left by recent budget cuts at the high school; athletic director, phys ed teacher, varsity cross country coach.  

“Haha, go Pens!” Mr. Malkin says, getting up in front of the group and flashing his polo with the high school mascot above his name tag, before bringing up a fundraiser the school is having so they can afford new gym equipment.  He seems more nervous talking in front of adults than he does in front of kids, which is endearing in its own awful way, but everyone in the room still laughs at all the right places during his speech, and crowd him to ask questions when the meeting lets out.  

Sidney’s type has always been the popular boy.

He leaves without saying goodbye, not wanting to take up any more of Mr. Malkin’s time for selfish, personal reasons, so he lets himself out the back quietly.  When he looks up from the doorway this time though, he sees Mr. Malkin a head taller than everyone across the room watching him leave.

GENO, AGAIN

“‘Geno,’” Mr. Malkin clarifies at the charity ball, “is nickname.”

He twirls Sidney out then on the dance floor, before reeling him back in.

It’s Sidney and Kris’s turn to make dinner at the station, so around three they pile into Sidney’s car after doing routine inspections to go to the grocery store.  They’re halfway through another four day shift, and it’s the dead cold heart of January, so Sidney is thinking something warm and filling and easy like chili.  

He doesn’t expect to see Geno outside the IGA with a small army of girls selling cookies.

“Firemen! Come buy cookies for the station!” Geno calls out to them shamelessly across the parking lot, waving a mittened hand at them.  He’s wearing several layers, a hoodie and a scarf underneath a peacoat that makes him look thicker and more inviting than usual, soft.  His nose is red, and so are the tips of his ears that poke out from underneath his beanie.  The girls in front of him are doing high-knees and running in place to keep warm, no doubt Geno’s idea.  

“Geno,” Sidney greets when they make it across the parking lot.  “What are you doing here?”

“I’m scout mom,” Geno replies, gesturing at the girls before him.  “Trying to sell cookies so girls can go to camp in the summer.  How many you boys wanna buy, one hundred?  Three hundred boxes?  Many hungry boys at the fire station.”

It’s true.  Sidney’s cooked in serving sizes upward of fifty before, and it still hasn’t been enough.  He laughs.  

“Get me some thin mints,” Kris says.  “I’m going inside.  It’s freezing.”

He pats Sidney on the shoulder, and Sidney shakes his head and looks down at the plastic fold-up table with its Dollar Tree plastic checkered cloth and several colorful boxes displaying different types of cookies.  He’s always been a tagalongs guy.  “Three hundred, huh?”

“Please, Sidney, look at my girls, so cold!  So sad!  Want to get out of cold and go to summer camp in June and become empowered women!”  Geno pleads, and leans down to the girls and loudly whispers,  “Look colder!  Look sadder!”

The girls instantly turn their deepest, saddest pouts on him, some chattering their teeth loudly, and Geno stays down on their level and sticks out his fat bottom lip too.

Sidney’s a sucker.  

“Fine, I’ll take whatever you guys got.”  The girls cheer, and Sidney wonders how he’s going to explain this to Kris when he meets up with him in the store. “But you’re helping me load it in the car.”

“Of course,” Geno says, like it was a given.

“We take credit card,” one of the older girls says, handing him a phone with a square reader plugged into the top.  

Geno lets the girls wait in his own car, a large Explorer, while it warms up and he gets a grocery cart to load boxes and boxes of girl scout cookies into the back of Sidney’s station van.  

“You make lots of kids really happy,” Geno tells him, passing him the last box of trefoils, which even between twenty-something ravenous guys, they’ll probably be sitting on for at least a month.  

“Yeah, yeah,” Sidney says.  “You don’t need to sell me on it any more than you already have.  I bought the cookies.  Anything else?”

“Coffee, maybe?  Or beer, sometime,” Geno replies, pushing his hands into his pockets.  Sidney freezes from where he’s closing the hatchback of the trunk, before slamming it harder than necessary.  Has he been so easy to read?  Shit, he thinks.

“Uh,” he says.

“My girls need so many badges, like Respect Authority, First Aid,” Geno continues.  “I’m thinking for a bit we organize a trip to the station.  You guys have CPR classes, stuff like that?”

“You can find all the information for our CPR classes on our website,” Sidney says automatically.  The relief cuts through him like a sharp knife.  He’s always wanted the idea of someone, but he’s never wanted a person specifically the way he finds himself wanting Geno, and the only thing worse than being nobody at all to Geno would be to find out that Geno wanted him back and not knowing what to do with it.  

Geno is looking at him expectantly though.

“I don’t get off--I don’t have another day off until Friday,” Sidney says nervously, not knowing how else to fill up the silence.

“Perfect!  I coach kids until seven but then I’m free for whole weekend.  You want go get beers, talk about fun events?”  Geno looks so hopeful.  His face opens up with every feeling he has, it seems like, in a way Sidney’s always thought he’s had to reign in.  “Nine, you think?”

Sidney should make an excuse.  Sidney should tell him no.

“Nine sounds perfect, yeah.”

ZHENYA

Geno’s already holding an empty pint glass when Sidney gets to the bar, foam lacing up the sides as he traces one of his agonizingly long fingers around the rim and talks to some guy sitting at the table with him.  Sidney doesn’t know if he should interrupt, because they look pretty deep into it, but Geno spots him soon enough and waves him over enthusiastically.  

“I’ll take another please,” he says, handing his glass to Sidney when Sidney gets to the table, and the other guy laughs.  

“Don’t let Zhenya get his way, or he’ll never let up,” says Other Guy, pushing Geno’s hand away.

“Yeah, so I found out,” Sidney says, sitting down across from them.  No one has let him live down the girl scout cookie purchase at the station, even though they’ve gone through a quarter of them in the past few days.  The guy laughs.

“Sergei,” he says, reaching out for a handshake.  

Sidney takes it.  “Sidney.”

“Trust me, I know,” Sergei replies.  “You made my daughters very happy buying all their cookies.  And my wife buys your calendar every year.”

“Oh gosh,” Sidney says.  His whole body burns, mortified.  “I didn’t know people bought those.”

He does know, actually.  He oversees the department budget and even though it’s Kris’s wife who does the calendars every year, he sees the kind of revenue they pull.  It’s a little ridiculous, and Sidney doesn’t really understand it, because it’s not like the guys he works with are super models.  Everyone Sidney works with has always been strictly off limits to him, but even if they weren’t, most of them are pretty gross.  He had sort of assumed that Catherine didn’t use any pictures from their actual department.

“Before I get my own apartment, I’m stay with Sergei last summer when I move here.  His wife keeps calendar up in office where I sleep every night,” Geno says casually, like he’s not ruining Sidney’s entire life right now.  “First time I see you was in coffee shop, you probably don’t remember, but I’m see you and think, ‘oh, Mr. August!  Local celebrity!’”

“Really?” Sidney says instead of oh no.  He hasn’t seen the picture, but he can guess--Catherine had him sweating, stripped down to his suspenders in front of a controlled fire, doing really stupid poses with an axe.  He’d kept having to brush his bangs out of his face and the sweat dripping from his brow, and she had just told him yes, lovely, keep it coming, and he had just assumed she was saying those things because she’s a nice person.

“Zhenya asked if he could keep it when he moved out,” Sergei says, teasing, and Geno elbows him in a way that looks a little more mean than fond.  “Fine, fine, I’ll go get more drinks.  What do you want, Sidney?”

Sidney wants to die, but he just says, “whatever you guys are having is fine.”

Geno takes Sergei’s absence as an opportunity to pull up a very meticulous calendar on his phone to talk about scheduling and Sidney is so thankful.  He is very specific about getting Sidney to personally lead the classes and work with the girls, which is fine and understandable, even if Sidney hasn’t done that sort of thing on a regular basis in years like some of the other guys.  He understands he’s a good role model in town and could recite CPR instructions in his sleep.  It’s fine.  

Sergei comes back with a pitcher of beer and they split it, coordinating with him whether the girls have this or that weekend free, if they can take this afternoon off school for a job shadow and will Ksenia please make them all lunch, Geno included.  Sergei gets a call from her no more than five minutes later and says, “I’ll ask,” but then returns to the table and says, “she’ll make you lunch, but only if I come home early for dad duty.”

“So boring,” Geno says. “Have her make enough for Sidney too.”

“You’re pushing it,” Sergei says, fondly.  He claps Sidney on the shoulder.  “Nice seeing you.  Keep an eye on Zhenya, will you?”

“Sure,” Sidney says, even though he should be going.  His beer is almost gone, and the pitcher is empty.  He should go home and get settled in bed with a book, maybe jerk off and get over himself.  

He should, but he won’t.

Geno says, “I’ll get next round.”

He comes back with another pitcher.  Sidney’s not going to be able to drive home, already a lightweight, but also too cautious of the law with a company vehicle.  People will see it parked in the same spot tomorrow morning and he hopes they won’t talk.

“Why you look so worried, Sidney?  Probably you need more to drink, here,” Geno says, topping off Sidney’s glass at looking at him expectantly.  Sidney laughs, and takes a big gulp.

“I guess I do worry a lot,” he says, because he does.  

“Fire captain job very stressful, yes?”  Geno says, and Sidney laughs again and says, “yes,” because it’s incredibly stressful, and all of a sudden his mouth is opening up and he’s telling Geno all about it, all of the hard things and weird things and probably boring things that Geno could give a shit about, but Geno listens anyway.  Geno even laughs, and makes noises of agreement, and says things like, “sounds very hard.”

“It’s a tough job, but it’s worth it,” Sidney says, four beers deep now and hot around the eyes and feeling the confidence of his buzz wrap around him like a blanket.

“Yes, job, obviously, we already agree job is hard, but also being in own head all the time, Sid!  How do you handle all that?  Think so much about what others think about you, spend so much time thinking for everyone else.  Of course you want die from stress sometimes,” Geno replies, and he says it so easily.  He must be like this with his students too, listening and relating and that’s probably another reason why they love him.  He’s nice.  God, he’s so nice.

“I mean, well, yeah,” Sidney says, not knowing what else there is.

Geno laughs.  “Poor baby.”

“What about you?  You know, you do a lot too, it can’t be easy, uh-- school, and coaching, and running those fundraisers and being Sergei’s daughter’s troop leader, it’s gotta be--Aren’t you stressed? just running around all the time, everywhere all at once.”

“Maybe I not do so much, I get bored, you know?  I get in trouble,” Geno says, smiling, and he sounds dangerous.  Sidney wants to run toward him like a house on fire.

“You can’t be trouble, everyone loves you,” Sidney says instead.  “You could never, you’d--I mean, your students look up to you, your friends give you nicknames, call you ‘Geno,’ and uh, what did Sergei call you?  Zhenya.”

“Zhenya,” Geno agrees, but he stops smiling.

“What’s that mean?”

Geno fidgets, wipes at the condensation on his pint glass. “Just uh, Russian thing.  Sergei and I know each other long time, so he uses a nickname like, it’s close friend thing?”

“Oh,” Sidney says, and shakes his head. “So many nicknames.”

“Jealous?” Geno asks, leaning forward.

“What? No, I mean,” Sidney replies, and it’s like--he never really had nicknames or anything.  When he was a rookie, the older guys at the station would call him “Sid the Kid,” but he grew out of it pretty fast, and it’s never really been like, a thing that he’s needed.

“Not of nicknames,” Geno says, snorting.  “You jealous I get so much attention?  Local Celebrity Sidney Crosby want me all to himself.”

“I,” Sidney says, throat dry, tongue swelling.  He takes another sip of beer. “Don’t make fun of me.”

“Who says I’m make fun?  Feel very special, have to run all over town to get your attention, and now you jealous,” Geno replies, smile spilling back onto his face.  

“What?  Stop,” Sidney says like a reflex.  He wants to want this.  He wants to let himself have this if it’s something he can have, but his body doesn’t know how.  “Zhenya.  Sorry, should I?  I shouldn’t, Geno.”

He can feel Geno’s foot press against his ankle under the table, and his voice is so low in the bar that Sidney almost doesn’t hear him when he says, “like the way you say my name, Sid.  You can call me anything you want.”

[mouser26]

Kingsman: The Golden Circle

Head canon’s from Kingsman: The Golden Circle

Roxy survived. Given all the tech the Kingsman have I refuse to believe she couldn’t have grabbed something to keep her from being killed by the attack. She was found in a coma and rushed to a hospital nameless which is why Merlin and Eggsy had no idea

Since Statesman has such awesome bio-tech they help with any long term injuries Roxy may have, as a result Champ calls her the “Bionic Woman”

Roxy takes Merlin’s place and is brutal to new recruits. When she needs advice she calls Whiskey

Harry takes on the role of Arthur (clearing up the double Galahad issue) he’s more hands on than previous Arthurs but he doesn’t have to worry if he has another butterfly episode

Once a year Galahad, Merlin and Arthur sit at the table and listen to John  Denver drinking Scotch till they hit said table

Champ makes sure they have only the best for the occasion

Tequila is a regular Kingsman/Statesman liaison, but really it comes down to him being the hot potato (aka *ding dong* “Your turn!” “Damn it!”)

There’s a Statesman sniper from Colorado who’s codename is Porter (oldest American beer) but everyone just calls him Coors

Champ is Roy Pulsipher (R.I.P.D)’s many times removed Grandson

One of the new Kingsman recruits gets sent to train with Statesman for a while and makes the mistake of asking Champ how he got his codename: "Because I'm a bubbly fucking delight and I will pop a cork in your ass if you ask any more stupid questions."

"Furthermore, for the rest of your stay your codename is going to be Shirley Temple."

Tequila totally knows about it when he gets sent home again

Harry asked for 2 tickets to Elton John so he could take Eggsy

Harry’s new puppy is named Mr. Vlastic**

Eggsy’s new puppy is J.B. 2 (this time it stands for James Bond)

Merlin’s name is “Daniel Mycroft MacWalrick”*

Cue Harry being a twat when they were younger making Danny boy jokes and Daniel getting pissed because "That's an Irish song written by an Englishman you knob!"

Harry also makes Walrus faces about the name “MacWalrick”

"It's like he bottled up all this energy in the army just to annoy the hell out     of me now!"

"A strategic move on his part, really, because the rest of us are enjoying it immensely."

Eggsy and Harry are a couple, Tilde has no problem with this since it predates her

In fact out of the public eye Eggsy and Tilde have a very open marriage based on security and communication

Tilde and Roxy totally have a thing since Roxy is now Merlin and a different kind of stable

Roxy now Merlin and Harry now Arthur both have to handle Eggsy/Galahad

ie Eggsy does some stupid shit on-mission and Harry tells Roxy (since Merlin is basically everyone's handler) to "stop him from doing that for Christ's sake!" And Roxy is just, "Sorry, Arthur, he's your problem now."

"What do you recommend that I do, spank him if he misbehaves? Never mind, don't answer that, just rein him in."

All the while Roxy is texting Eggsy

>>Your beau is panicking stop being a wanker."

<< "I got results, didn't I?"

[pjstafford]

Smoke Rings

In 1995 I wrote my first novel.  I had previously written poetry, short stories, plays and even a play in verse but I decided in my mid thirties that if I didn’t write my novel then I never would.  Like every first novel, it was probably best to put it into a drawer and forget about it.  In 2016 I wrote my second novel which I am still hoping to publish as as my first published novel.  It is a far superior novel.  Yet I thought taking the first novel out of the drawer for another read might be fun and I really think the first chapter is fun.  So here it is  Let me know if you would like to see more of it.  

It was at the Buckhorn Bar in Laramie Wyoming that I met her.  It was a lazy, pretty Sunday in mid May and the Rockies had begun to thaw.  I had come up from Denver for the Buck’s weekly cribbage tournament.  Laramie is Wyoming’s version of a college town.  Though the streets are paved and the stagecoach no longer runs, the rugged history of the town is as as prevalent a part of the town’s atmosphere as the academia which now fuels the town’s economy.  The Buckhorn remains a bar for locals, despite the fact that every college student has made at least one journey to the Laramie legend.  Ivinson Avenue itself has made some changes over the years as necessitated by capitalistic pursuits of the college dollar, but even these changes have not obliterated the fact that once Laramie was part of the American wild west.  Across the street from the Buck are converted apartments, at the end of Ivinson street is a posh yuppie restaurant and at the other end is a national chain coffee shop.  Laramie has been a railroad town longer than a college town and the tracks run so close that the trains shake the diners in the restaurant.  

The Buck is an expansive, L-shaped bar with a rustic decor.  Elk and Deer heads hang on the wall.  The final cribbage game came down between Hawk, a large, hairy, friendly guy who had rode his Harley in from Cheyenne and Pete, a whiskered, distinguish gentleman who was drinking whiskey neat.  A table of regulars were in the back and a couple of old drifters were leaning against the bar.  The round tables in front of the bar were filled with eight or nine of Hank’s companions.  They were looking out of the bar’s huge, western storefront windows at Ivinson Avenue.  They were hoping some attractive co-eds would wander by.  My buddies, Sly and Wayne and I were watching the crib game.  A cowboy was playing an ancient pinball machine.  

I heard the silence from Hank’s drunken friends.  All their eyes were turned to look out the window.  She had already stepped out of her car and I saw only backside as she bent to adjust a shoe.  When she stood up her back was towards the bar.  She put her hands on her waist and she bent slightly backwards, stretching her neck side to side.  Her hair was golden, silky, worn straight and, though it did not look bleached, I remember thinking something spiteful about fake blondes and beauty queens.  She knew everyone was looking at her.  Her legs stretched and stretched away from her yellow, tight. mini skirt. .  She wore no hose and yet her legs were tanned.  She turned, licked her lips, and slowly, hesitantly, started towards the door.  She stepped through the door, turned her head as if looking for alternate exits, and was at the bar in three steps.  She ran her fingers through her hair, leaned onto the bar to her hair and her top fell forward and ordered a double shot of Bourbon.  

The game was over and the drifters had drifted away before Joe, the bartender, stopped staring and started pouring her drink.  Hawk’s companion were no longer looking out the window.  Joe sat the glass before the woman and moved away with his eyes still on her.  one of the regulars, Sally, strolled up to order another beer.  “Joe, Joe...Aw, its just another Coloradan up to hunt, Joe.”  Sally said it loud to get the bartender’s attention.  

“What is she hunting. Cowboy or Biker?” said Hawk and all his buddies laughed.  “I need my winnings..”  He went to the bar to collect the cribbage tournament pot and stood very close to the blonde.  She put her money on the counter, picked up her drink, and, turning away from Hawk, moved two bar stools down.  She took a look at herself in the mirror which stretched across the entire back of the bar.  She had to bend down to see around the bullet holes.in the glass.  She sat down, carefully and slowly crossed her legs and started to finger the names carved in the  bar.  

Hawk collected  his winning and headed, belly first, towards the woman.  Immediately the woman stood up and downed her drink.  Someone had put some money into the ancient jukebox which still functioned, but with country songs from a yesteryear.  “Hey, sweetie, I’m the big winner, let’s dance.”  

She stepped back, looked at his face and then at the tattoos on his arms.  Quickly her eyes went back down to the floor and her hand up to her hair.  “I”m, I’m , waiting for someone..” she whispered.  Before Hawk had time to reply, she said “Oh, I see him.” and , smiling brightly, she walked over to Wayne.  Wayne had been drinking beers in the same spot in the middle of the room for over two hours.  

“Hi, Honey.  Its great to see you.”  She kissed him on the cheek and sat down.  She held his hands with both of hers and looked into his face.  

Wayne smiled a big, goofy grin.  “Hi, darling.  its great to see you.”  Hawk looked at Wayne and the woman, looked at Sly and then looked back at Wayne.  He turned and looked at his buddies and they all laughed.  Hawk bent down into the woman’s face.  “Fuck,you just had to say no.”

Sly and I had started a pool game but we immediately joined Wayne and the blonde at the table.  Wayne and Sly looked at each other and then at the blonde.  Now they both had big, goofy grins on their faces. I made the introductions while pondering the best way to get rid of her.  “I’m Debbie, this is Sly and I see you’ve met Wayne.”

“Oh, its so nice to meet Wayne’s friends.  I’ve heard so much about you.” She said it unnaturally loud and leaned forward for a whisper.  “Thank you for helping me.  I’m Trisha.”

We sat in uncomfortable silence a moment or two and then Sly and Wayne stood up as one.  Sly winked at me and said “you little ladies will want to get acquainted.  Us men will play some pool.” 

Before I could say “little ladies my...” they were at the pool table and I as sitting across the table from Trisha.  I tried not to feel unattractive.  it was May in Wyoming and I was still wearing bulky sweaters and two pairs of socks.  I gulped down my beer and called out to Joe “Two Bourbons here.”

“I got it, Debbie.”  Hawk paid the bartender and brought over the drinks.  He and his companions were getting ready to leave.  “I hope you enjoy your date, sweetie.��� he said to Trisha.  After they left, the place was quiet.  

Trisha changed chairs to be closer to me and talked in a conspirator low voice.  

“Everything I’ve heard about this place is just right.  It is so Rocky Mountain Wild West.  It is thick with danger.”

I looked around the room.  There were only a few people left in the bar.  Sally and her boyfriend were the only regulars left in the back.  Pete sat at the bar nursing a whiskey and grading papers.  Joe appeared to be working on inventory.  

“Danger?”  I asked.  

“Oh, the bullet holes and the bikers and the smell of dirt.  Do you come here often?” 

I nodded.  i wasn’t a regular since I lived in Denver, but I often came up with Wayne to see Sly.  I enjoy the Sunday afternoon cribbage tournaments and the tradition of the bar buying drinks whenever a shift changed.  I knew the bikers and some of the cowboys who came to the bar.  I had enjoyed a few philosophical discussion with Pete, the professor.  I liked it best in Summer.  When school is out, Laramie returns to small town status.  

“Your friends, are they the dangerous types?”  

I looked at Sly and Wayne who seemed to be talking more than playing.  Both were tall men who wore jeans, solid color shirts and expensive sneakers.  They were both raised in Laramie.  Sly was living with his mother since his father had died.  He was saving his money to blow this town when she was gone.  Wayne lived in Denver.  He could barely grow a beard and had teddy bear eyes.  

I nodded to Trisha’s question.  Both men hunted, as did everyone raised in Laramie, and I figured anyone with a gun could be dangerous.  “Look, if you wanted danger, Sunday isn’t the best time,  Everyone’s worn out from church.”

“Oh I was just driving from Denver and decided to stop is all.”  Trisha’s eyes were wide and appeared innocent.  

“What are you doing in Denver?” I asked knowing she could not be originally from my home town.  

“Taking graduate classes. I really loved it this last year. There is so much open space and fresh air.”

Check.  She was from California and had some money.  Only someone from California would think Denver had fresh air .  

I looked over at the boys.  “Hey, dates, aren’t you going to buy us drinks?”

They ignored me and I gestured for Joe.  Trisha stop me.  “You helped me with the biker.  Now let me help you.” 

Trisha went over to the pool table, picked up the cue ball and looked at Wayne.  “I just want to thank you for your kindness.  At least let me buy you a drink.”

Wayne said he liked beer - any kind.  Sly looked at Trisha’s disappointed face and suggested that they should buy “the girls” drinks.  Wayne said in frustration “Oh, ok, but you didn’t need my help from Hawk.  He’s an accountant.  You just had to talk to him like a normal human being is all.  Wouldn’t you prefer one of the college bars across town?”

I interrupted.  Californians were desperate to know the “true West”.  The problem is they typically use Californian ways to gather their knowledge.  When Californians move to Colorado, they attend the local theater and gallery openings, go shopping, read brochure books and travel to all the out of way little bed and breakfasts.  Then they wonder why they still feel like tourists.  You want to know the “true West” go Church, go to the bars, go fishing, eat at the greasiest diner in town.  I wanted to capitalize a little on the fact that here was an annoying Californian who wanted to know the “Wild West.”

“Wayne, don’t be rude to our new friend. “

Sly gave her a pool cue and his nicest smile.  Sly was kind to puppies, his mother and his mother’s cats, also  “Have another drink and play some pool.”

She took the pool cue as if she had never seen one.  

“Do you like pool?” I asked

“Played since I was a little girl.”  Trisha was still holding the cue away from her.  I told Wayne and Sly to finish their games and “us girls” would have one of our own.  

“So, you like the Buck?”

“Oh, I do, but i guess I’m not dressed right.  Was that poker they were playing when I came in?”  

She is an idiot, I thought.  She doesn’t even know the difference between Poker and Cribbage. 

“You know, we bet on everything here.  Cards, sports, pool.  How about 8 ball with loser paying $10 per ball left on the table at the end of the game?”  I figured an easy say $40 would pay for my afternoon of drinking.  

“Oh, that sounds like fun.  You break.”

I broke, spread them out good.  Trisha giggled, wiggled over to the cue ball, bent down in a way that made Joe and Peter looked again,  Her face because serious as she focused on the 6 ball and she called out her shot.  As it went into the pocket, she smiled and said “I couldn’t do this at one of the college bars across town.:  She proceeded to sweep the table and said “you owe me $70 cash.”

Sly grabbed me and dragged me outside and down to the railroad tracks before he let go.  Its a good thing he did because when he let go I was still swinging and cussing.  I loathe hustlers.  Sure i was hustling, but just to prove a point.  She was a professional who had targeted our group.  

A few minutes of calm and we headed back.  Trisha was sitting in her car, a convertible Mazda Miata.  Even with the top up it was an impractical car for the Rockies.  Wayne was bent down beside the driver’s seat.  They were sharing a cigarette.  Trisha wrapped her lips around the cigarette and handed the cigarette to Wayne who took a puff and handed it back.  Trisha inhaled it seductively and then blew out the smoke in smoke rings.  

“You don’t smoke, Wayne.’

“Sometimes i do and Trish was kind enough to share her very last cigarette with me before she headed to Denver. “

“We are not letting her go are we?  Let’s tie her to a lamppost for hustling in our territory’  I was only partially joking.  

“Are you crazy, woman?”  Sly very seldom exploded in anger but he looked at Trisha as if she was a soldier in his personal army.  “You are hustling at the Buck.  Do you have a death wish?  What were you thinking?  You are so lucky you picked us.  You can’t come in from no where and go into the first bar you see.  This is Wyoming.  People are very defensive here about being taken- God Damn and by a woman,” He went on for a few minutes but by the end of the tirade he was chuckling in appreciation.  “Hustling at the Buck.  Well, hell.’ 

“I like her a lot better than I did before.  Can we keep her?”  Wayne grinned.  He had a weird sense of humor.  

i was still demented with anger.  “I will be in the car when you are through talking with Barbie.”

Wayne said “no,  you are going home with Barbie.  I’m sorry - with Trisha.”

Reality had suddenly become a cruel, twisted thing.  Wayne stood up and gripped my shoulders.  “I’ve had too much to drink to drive back to Denver.  I’m going to spend the night with Sly.  You need to get back to go to work tomorrow.  Trisha is going that way.  You are going home with Trisha.  “ 

I felt the worse type of betrayal from one of my closest friends.  

“We’ve worked it all out.  I am paying her $40 for the bother of having to take you home.  She’s forgetting your bet so you don’t have to pay her.  Everyone wins.”

Sly threw his arm around Wayne’s shoulder.  “Wayne gets to stay here, you get a ride home and get to keep your money, Trisha ends up with $40.  Isn’t this man brilliant? “  He kissed me on the forehead, gestured at Wayne and they ran to Sly’s car and sped the hell out of there.  

What was I to do?  I did ponder options.  How much would a cab from Laramie Wyoming to Denver cost?  Is there anyone in Denver who owed me a big enough favor to come pick me up?  I got quietly in the car. 

Trisha had the heater turned up full blast in the tiny car.  Her car was like her in her mini-skirt.  Both looked great, were extravagant and of little practical value.  Trisha reached across and open the glove box where she had at least three packs of cigarettes.  She took out a new pack, put some techno crap on her sound system and sped away like she owned the West.  

We were about half way to Denver.  My feet were hot from the heater Ms. Mini Skirt insisted on running.  My head was aching from the sound of polished plastic soulless music.  The smell of cigarettes in the tiny car was overpowering.  I felt miserable, ragged and sick to my stomach from having swallowed so much anger and pride.  We had not spoken a word.  I was leaning my head against the car window.  I could help it.  A long howl of laughter came bursting out of me.  Blondie snapped off the sound and glared at me.  It only made it harder to stop laughing.  

“What?  What”“  She kept repeating.  

“Wayne, Wayne and Sly”  I took a deep breathe.  I managed to get it all out before i started laughing again.  “They’re a gay couple, idiot, and everybody in the bar knew it except for you.”  

[nevermindthewind]

so where do we begin? Ch. 2

He’s in a dingy cafe in New York when he finds out. 

 “So what are you saying?” he asks, unable to believe what he's hearing. 

 “The Mahoney's are in prison. Castillo too. Denver’s been disbarred. We have no reason to believe your life is in danger anymore,” the officer replies. Then he says the words Wes never thought he'd here. 

 “We’re releasing you from the system. You can go home.”

 He almost laughs at that because, last time he checked, he didn't have a home. He's bounced from city to city since he was twelve, since the Mahoney's took his mother away. Home was just a myth, something happier people than him always have. 

 But then again…

 “Laurel.”

 “What?” Nate asks. Wes didn't realize he'd said her name out loud. 

 “How's Laurel?” he tries again. 

 He watches Nate shift uncomfortably in his seat, suddenly unable to meet Wes’ gaze. There’s something he hasn't told him, he knew it.

 In an instant Wes is on high alert, as if he wasn't already. He’s always on high alert these days. 

 “What happened to her?” he asks, forcing Nate to look him in the eye. 

 “Nothing,” Nate replies quickly. “She’s fine. Still at Middleton. But there is something you should know.”

 Wes’ mind begins to race, thinking through all the things that could've happened since his “death”. His first thought, even though he hates himself for it, is Frank. Laurel made it clear she was done with him; he’d gone too far, betrayed her too many times. 

 But what if something changed? 

 He tries to shake the thought, but its already taken hold of him. Frank had made her happy at one point, and with Wes gone, he was probably more than happy to offer a shoulder to cry on. The thought makes Wes cringe. Maybe he doesn't need to know. Maybe she’s better of without him and he should just go somewhere else and start over again. It's what he's good at. 

 Nate, oblivious to Wes’ inner dialogue, continues on. 

 “As you know, on the night of the fire Laurel also got brought to the hospital to get treated for injuries. Mainly smoke inhalation, but she also had second degree burns on her leg and abdomen.”

 He looks down, absentmindedly running his hand along his scars, trying not to relive the hell he went through, and trying even harder not to imagine Laurel going through anything like the brutal treatment he went through. 

 “Is she okay?”

 “Yes. She was in the hospital for a few days but she’s fine. However when they ran her blood work they found something else, something not related to the fire.”

 Nate pauses for a beat, then,

 “Laurel was pregnant.”

 Whatever Wes is expecting, that is definitely not it. 

 “What?” he asks, his voice echoing his confusion. His mind couldn't seem to register what Nate had said. 

 “Wes, you have a daughter.”

 --

 He had wanted to get on the very next train to Philadelphia but, thanks to a horribly timed transportation strike, he is forced to wait until the next day, and even then it's dark by the time he makes it on a train. 

 As he boards he tries to ignore all the stares, the double takes as he passes people on his way to his seat. But no matter how hard he tries he can't help but feel hundreds of curious, disgusted eyes focusing on the scar that runs down his cheek and neck. 

 He’d been in the hospital for six months after the fire. It had been absolute torture, there’s no other way to describe it. He’d had several surgeries on his hand, arm, chest, neck, and face; some were to control the burns, some to repair ligaments, others for skin grafts. But the worst part was by far the daily cleanings. Everyday a nurse would come in and submerge him in water to clean out the wounds to prevent infection, and everyday he would be submitted to the worst pain known to man. Half the time he was delirious, either from pain or meds or both. But when he could actually think straight he constantly found his mind wandering back to Philly, back to Laurel. Everyday he wondered if he'd ever get to see her again. He’d wanted to contact her, to find out how she was, but he was in absolutely no shape to do so. And even if he could, the moment he made contact he’d have put her in danger. So he had stayed quiet, even after he’d been released from the hospital. He convinced himself she was okay, that she was better off without him. 

 But that was before. 

 Now he's on a train back to the very place he never thought he'd see again, trying desperately to piece together all the information he’d been given in the last 36 hours. 

 Laurel had a baby. Their baby. 

 For ten months he had been kept in the dark. Nate had known for ten months and didn't say a word. He didn't bother to tell Wes that the love of his life was carrying his baby. That he is a father. And for that, Wes is furious. He’d already grown up without a dad, and he’d be damned if he put his own kid through that.  He should've been there, that’s all there is to it. 

 They'd always been a team, him and Laurel. For the better part of two years they never made decisions without talking to each other. Yet Laurel had been left making the biggest, scariest decisions of her life, of their lives, without him. While Laurel is by far the strongest woman he knows, it kills him to think she had to go through all of this alone. And now for the past, what, two months, she’s been raising their daughter AND taking classes?

 As if she wasn't a badass already. 

 But still, she shouldn't have to do it by herself. And now, hopefully, she won't have to.

 -- 

 The next few hours are some of the longest of his life, but as soon as he steps off the train everything becomes a massive blur.  Before he knows it he’s sitting outside Laurel’s apartment in an Uber, trying to figure out what the hell he’s going to do.  

 He’s frozen to his seat as thoughts begin racing through his head.

 What if she’s not home? What if she is and she wants nothing to do with me? What if Frank is there?

 Maybe this was a bad idea. She’s probably moved on, she’s fine without me.  

 He almost tells the driver, who looks barely old enough to drive, to turn around and take him to a hotel, when he remembers.

 The baby. He has to see her.

 “Dude, you getting out?” the driver asks impatiently.

 He opens his door in response and begins to head up the steps, the very steps he’s walked hundreds of times before.  Looking down, he notices his hands are shaking.  

 His thoughts continue to spiral as he makes his way to her apartment. Memories are flowing back to him: studying for finals, spontaneous fast food runs, late nights that turned into early mornings, their life together.  It’s all there, welcoming him back.

 Just like that he’s outside her apartment.  There’s light under the door, so he knows she’s home.  

 He pauses.

 What will she think? What will she say?

 How am I supposed to be someone’s dad?

 He can’t seem to move.  He wants to, but he just…can’t.

 He stands there for a moment, trying desperately to prepare himself for what’s on the other side of the door.  

 Then, finally, he knocks.  

 Nothing.

 He waits for a bit and then tries again, louder this time.  

 This time he hears movement on the other side, something like papers being shuffled.  

 Then he hears her voice.  

 It’s muffled, but there’s no denying it’s her. She’s saying something about Michaela, getting louder as she gets closer to the door.  

 Suddenly, the door is opening.

 “You know if you wanted to study, a phone call would’ve—“

 And now, after almost a year, Laurel is standing right in front of him.  Her hair is up, which means she’s probably been studying, and there’s a baby monitor in her hand.  She’s got on her favorite old Dolphins sweatshirt that’s two sizes too big, plaid pajama shorts, and mismatched socks, one green and one blue. She’s absolutely beautiful.

 She also looks confused as hell. Not that he blames her.  

 Say something. Anything.

 All he can think of to say is,

 “Hi.”

 --

 Everything goes about as smoothly as he could have hoped.  She’s angry and confused, as she should be, but under that he sees a glimmer of happiness.  He knows her too well not to see it.  But she won’t let her guard down, not yet.  He knows that too.  

 Still, it could’ve gone worse.  

 She’s just left him in the living room to get the baby and Wes is absolutely petrified. He has no idea what to do.  He knew she was real, obviously, but it is a whole different thing to actually see her, to hold her.  

 What if I fuck up? What if I can’t even hold my own daughter the right way?

 Should I sit down? Or stay standing? What if she starts crying?

 Just as he starts to move towards the couch, Laurel comes out of her room, holding a tiny bundle against her chest.  She moves slowly, her eyes full of nerves.  But she also looks determined and once Laurel puts her mind to something, it’s going to happen.  

 “It’ll be easier if you sit,” she says, motioning towards the couch with her head.  Wes quickly moves in that direction.  Laurel follows and sits next to him, moving a pink blanket as she sits to reveal the tiny baby underneath.  

 In that moment his life changes forever.

 She’s without a doubt the most beautiful person in the world.  With a mess of jet-black hair, Laurel’s nose, and his ears, oddly enough, she’s the perfect combination of both of them.  Her head is turned so she is looking right at him, sizing him up.  He knows Laurel’s watching him too, but he can’t seem to take his eyes off the little girl.  

 “Her name is Ella,” Laurel says gently.  “Ella Rose.”

 At that he looks up.

 “You named her after my mom?”

 She nods, and gives him a soft smile. “I wanted her to have a part of you.”

 He returns her smile, and there are tears in his eyes as he brings his attention back to the baby.

 “Ella Rose,” he whispers. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

 For a minute they stay like that, Laurel holding Ella while Wes continues to take everything in.  He reaches out and rubs her back, to which the baby responds with a tiny smile. His smile.

 Whoa.

 “You wanna hold her?” Laurel asks.

 Again he looks up, nodding tentatively.  She shifts her weight and begins to move Ella from her chest, but Wes stops her.

 Once again he’s terrified.  What if he hurts her?

 “What do I do?”

 Laurel lets out a tiny laugh. “I asked the exact same thing when the nurse first gave her to me,” she says, “Hold your arms out and I’ll place her where she needs to go.  You’ll be able to feel it out once she’s there.”

 Wes does as he’s told and puts his arms out in front of him, exposing the burns on his right hand.  This time it’s Laurel who hesitates, looking from his hand to his face with a mix of compassion and confusion.  

 “I’m okay,” he tells her.

 “Okay.” She has questions, clearly, but thankfully she doesn’t push it.  

 Once again Laurel begins to remove the baby from her chest, this time lowering her down and placing her in Wes’ outstretched arms.

 She squirms a bit as the two of them find a comfortable position, but they figure it out pretty quickly, with Ella nestled in the crook of Wes’ elbow.  He smiles down at her, offering her his finger. Almost immediately she grips it with strength he was definitely not expecting, sending chills throughout his body.

 Suddenly he’s hit with a love he’s never felt before, a love so strong and pure it scares him.  Yet at the same time, it’s the most natural thing in the world.  Like his whole life he was missing a part of himself, and he’s finally been put back together. He’s finally whole.

 He gasps, looking up at Laurel.  She’s crying too, but unlike earlier, this time she’s smiling.  

 “She’s…” he starts, but the words don’t come.

 Laurel nods in understanding.

 “I know.”

 Once again they both fall silent, Laurel watching as Wes continues interacting with the baby.  He can tell she’s tired so he begins to rock her with surprising ease.  He has no idea where the instinct came from, but it seems to be working.  After a few minutes she’s fast asleep.

 “I can’t believe this is actually happening,” Laurel says, breaking the silence.

 “Me either,” he replies, looking up with a smile. She looks him right in the eye, sizing him up with a look identical to their now sleeping daughter.

 “You’re really here.”

 “I’m really here,” he repeats.

 “For good?”  He can hear the vulnerability in her voice; can hear how much she wants to believe him.

 “For good.”

 With that Laurel leans into his shoulder, finally letting down her guard just the tiniest bit.  He’s hit with the scent of her shampoo, that lavender stuff she loves, and it’s all he can do to stop himself from kissing her right there.  But he knows it’s not the time, so he just wraps his non-Ella arm around her, hoping to provide some sort of comfort.

 “I missed you so much,” she murmurs.

 “Me too,” he replies. “I thought about you everyday.”

 She looks up at him, keeping her head on his shoulder. “You did?”

 “Yeah of course,” he says, surprised.  “You’re all that got me through treatment.  I just kept thinking that if I could get through that then hopefully I’d be able to find you again.”

 She takes his hand, unwraps his arm from her and begins examining his burned hand.

 “Treatment?” she asks.

 He nods.  “I was in the hospital for six months, with 3rd degree burns on about 40% of my body.  It was...hard. Really hard.”

 She closes her eyes at the mention of his injuries, wrapping his hand in hers.

 There will be a time where he tells her about everything he went through, but tonight is not the night.  Thankfully she senses that, and once again she doesn’t push him.  

 Laurel yawns, causing Wes to look at his watch.  It’s almost three in the morning.  

 “You should get some sleep,” he says.  She pulls herself upright.

 “What about you?” she asks.

 He shrugs. “I got a room for the night at the hotel down the street. I won’t be far.”

 “You’re not staying here?” She seems to deflate a little.

 “I didn’t know if you’d want me to,” he replies honestly.

 “I do.” Her voice is small, but confident.  “If you’re not here when I wake up I’ll just think this was all a dream.”

 He smiles at that. They have work to do, that much he knows.  Even though he has no intention of ever leaving again, it will be a long time before she can trust him again.  But he also knows that he would do whatever it took to be a part of both their lives.

 “Then I’m not going anywhere.”

[travisolearyisback]

Whenever I hear this song I think about you.  I still think Blink 182 was describing us, even though this song predates you and I.  

I hope that you’re in a better place in your head.  I always worry whenever you don’t post anything or I don’t hear from you.

It was never my intention to complicate your life further.  I just wanted to be your safe space.  Someone that you could always turn to when things get bad.  It was when you decided to give up on love that I had to speak up and reveal my true feelings.  I couldn’t let you turn into something that you’ll regret, because I know that you have so much love to give.  When you love, you love with everything that you have.  I admire that.  I need that.  I need you!

I wanted to tell you this in person and not here on the internet, but you need to understand a few things about me.  I suffered from a physically and emotionally abusive father.  When I was 5, my father was going to beat my mother again.  I knew this time was really bad though and I decided that I had to do everything in my power to stop him.  I grabbed him by the back of his belt as he drug me across the living room and into the kitchen chasing after my mother.  He had her bent over backwards on the counter.  I was yelling at him and punching him so that he would turn his attention to me instead.  When that didn’t work, I got a chair from the table and jumped on his back.  Finally, that worked.  He grabbed me and threw me across the room and into a wall.  I got knocked out cold, but my mother lived.  That was the day that my mother decided to divorce my father.  When I was in the third grade I was visiting him.  I don’t remember what I did to upset him, but he tried to strangle me to death.  Right before I was about to pass out, I hit him with a left punch to his liver.  He was drunk at the time and instantly crumbled to the ground, cussing me to death as he did so.  These are just two of the many times when I thought that he was going to kill me.  His internal anger was already bad, but his alcoholism fueled that hate even further.  That’s why I don’t drink and why I’m so kind to others.  I never want to be like him.  Sadly, his brother and cousin that was raised with him were exactly like him.  They all learned that from my grandfather.  I had to break the cycle.  I’m proud to say that I have.

Another thing that affected my life greatly was that I was raped from the time that I was 3 to 4.  I didn’t think anything of it at the time.  It was by my babysitter’s daughter and her friends.  A man being raped by a woman isn’t a bad thing right?  I didn’t think so, but it led me to believe that that was how people were supposed to behave.  Needless to say, I was sexually active at a very early age after this happened.  I dated a lot of older girls when I was in elementary school, as well as those my age.  I didn’t think it was a big deal because I couldn’t get anyone pregnant.  Well, at 14 (8th grade) I was about to have sex with someone that I trusted and had known for years.  Right before penetration she told me that she loved me.  She wanted me to say it back, but I don’t like to lie.  I told her that I liked her a lot, but that I didn’t love her because we were too young for true love.  Needless to say, she was very upset.  She got up, put on her clothes and left my house.  We never had sex or did anything that she didn’t want to do.  I got a call from one of my best friends a couple of hours later saying that she came by his house and they had sex.  I was cool with that.  He and I went back and forth with her for years before this.  A month or two later my dad came and took me out of school.  I had no idea why.  He drove me to the police station where I learned that she said that I raped her.  I was caught completely by surprise because I would never do anything like that.  My mother had told me before this happened that she was raped as a teenager and her bestfriend was raped and murdered as a teenager as well.  I will never hurt someone like that.  I trusted this girl and because I wouldn’t lie to her and tell her that I loved her, she wanted me to be thrown in jail.  That would have ruined my life as I would have missed out on High School and College, not to mention the reputation that I would have received.  Everyone who knew me and knew her knew that she was lying though.  She was even ran out of her own school by her classmates.  I felt bad for her, but I still had to fight for the next year and a half to clear my name.  Needless to say, I was found innocent of rape.  But, what she did kept me from trusting those with whom I got into a loving relationship.  I spent the next 8 years breaking up with the women who I began to love.  I couldn’t get too close to anyone without fearing a repeat of the past.  I finally decided that I wasn’t going to date anymore or even have meaningless sex for that matter.  I went 15 years without sex.  It wasn’t until last year that I began to change.  That’s when I met the girl that thawed my frozen heart.  As you know, that wasn’t meant to work out.  She needed to experience life before being able to give me what I need.  I’m cool with that.  I’ll always be thankful to her.  She’s what led me to you.  I wanted to learn more about how someone her age thinks and what you like.  I had isolated myself for so long that I was completely out of the loop on everything.  Slowly, I began to realize how much we have in common and what a wonderful person you are.  I haven’t connected with someone like that in a long time.  I didn’t want to tell you though because you were already dealing with so much.  A broken heart, personal issues that I won’t divulge here and so much more.  It was never my intention to take advantage of your situation.  I really did just want to be your friend.  I make no apologies for telling you my real feelings though.  I would have always wondered what if, had I not.

All of this leads me to my concern, your sexual needs.  When you want to be choked, spanked until you bruise or bleed, collars with chains, rope torture, etc...  I never want you to experience pain.  All I want to do is to love you.  To make you feel pleasure, happiness and bliss.  I associate all of those things that you want with pain and unhappiness.  I don’t understand your desire for stuff like that.  I don’t judge though.  I just need time for you to explain to me why you want it and time to trust you enough to know that events from my past won’t be repeated.  I grew up in a really rough school.  There were fights everyday.  You had to fight to survive.  That’s where I learned that I had a switch inside me.  I’m really cool and calm until that switch is activated.  Then, I go ballistic.  It still scares me to let that part of me out.  I learned to control it, but I know that it’s still there.  It’s the part of my father and grandfather that was given to me at birth.  I hate it with a passion, but it’s my survival instinct.  I’m afraid that I don’t know how to go halfway and not do harm.  I never want to harm you.  That’s why I don’t want to give you what you want sexually.  It will take time if that’s what you need though.  You’ll have to be patient with me and teach me what to do and what not to do.

I wanted to be a doctor and I took the pledge to be a doctor seriously.  “To do no harm to anyone.”  It wasn’t until 9/11 that I wanted to kill someone.  That’s when I changed my focus from medicine to the military.  I realized that I couldn’t be a doctor when I wanted to harm others.  I bought into the bullshit that our government was selling us at that time.  I’ve come to see that all they do is lie to control us though.  I’m so glad that I got hurt during my training and that my back issues kept me from serving.  Otherwise, I would be a killer.  I don’t think my conscious could handle killing innocent people.  I have many friends that did just that and they are still suffering to this day.  I’ve been lost ever since.  At first I was pissed off.  Mad that I had been lied to.  Mad that I had fucked off my education.  Mad that I was permanently injured.  Soon, I became mad at the world.  I spent my time bouncing from job to job so that I could get enough money to start my own business.  Working 18-24 hour days.  It didn’t leave me time for a social life.  Then, my father got sick with lung cancer from all of his years of cigarette smoking.  It spread to his liver and his brain.  That’s when I quit working to take care of him full time.  Being the only child, I was the only one who could take care of him.  He didn’t want to go into a nursing home and I honored his wish.  It was ironic though.  The man who tried to kill me on multiple occasions now needed me.  Once his anger was gone, we actually got close.  I hate to say this, but I’m glad that he got cancer.  We never would have got a chance to reconcile if that hadn’t happened.  The greatest thing that I learned while taking care of him was that I had wasted a huge part of my life chasing after menial things.  I was missing what I needed most...Love and a family.  That’s the most important thing in life.  He’s almost been dead for a year now, so you know that I’m not rushing into anything.  My move to Denver has pressed me to acknowledge my feelings for you as well though.  I don’t want to leave without fully expressing myself first.  I don’t want to leave without you.  I can’t tell you how to feel.  Only you can do that.  If it’s not me that you choose, I’ll be okay with that.  Sure, I’ll be sad, but I want what’s best for you.  If that’s not me, I want you to find someone that will always love you and Lillie and someone who will treat you both right for the rest of your life.  I don’t want to see you make the same mistakes that I’ve made.  I don’t want you to waste your life chasing after things that don’t matter.  And, I definitely don’t want to see you let your heart turn to stone.  Your soul is too special for that.  Please don’t ever let your past or your internal issue make you think that you’re not worth the best.  You are wonderful.  You are special.  You are worth everything.

“I Miss You” & I Love You

3:25 am (5/31/2017)  -  It took me 3 hours to get all of this out.