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inej-ruination-ghafa · 2 years

Text

MINE - J.M

Warnings: romance, mentions of dead kids

Pairing: Joel miller x fem!reader

Summary: you had known Joel for years and never would have guessed that a nice older man living in the middle of nowhere would bring you two together

Wordcount: 2.6k

and I've done everything I know to try and make you mine and I think I'm gonna love you for a long, long time

You couldn’t believe your eyes as you sat in the garden of Bill and Franks home. You and Tess had been playing with the radio to try and find a signal when you met a kind man named Frank who had offered for them to come round and work together.

Tess wanted to come but she twisted her ankle the any before and they decided it wold be dangerous to take her, just in case something went wrong and they couldn’t get out fast enough.

Never in your wildest dreams could you imagine sitting in the garden, a glass of red wine in your hand. You hadnt seen a house like this in the last 7 years ever since you entered the QZ on that fateful day.

As you looked at Joel, a smile on your face, you couldn’t imagine what your lives would’ve been like if the world would never had ended. You had known each other before then. You were 8 years younger than him and Sarahs babysitter, on that Friday night the world ended, you had been babysitting her whilst Joel was out to pick up Tommy from the station.

“This really is just amazing,” you said, unable to wipe your smile off of your face.

Frank smiled at you, nodding with the same sentiment - he had missed being able to talk to other people - before noticing that Bill was holding onto the gun in his hand, knuckles white.

“Can you not please,” frank said, almost reprimanding his partner for doing that. With a reluctant sigh, bill placed the gun on the table, keeping it pointed at Joel.

“I’m the same way,” Joel said and you nodded in agreement. He had always been the paranoid one in your relationship, or whatever the two of you had. You were always the light, trying to keep his spirit up and his soul intact.

“Oh, you’re a paranoid schizophrenic too?” Frank questioned in an almost sarcastic tone.

Bills brow furrowed as he looked at his partner and then back at Joel, “I’m not schizophrenic,” he said, shaking his head.

“Well can i just say how nice this is, to have a civilised meal,” You said, and Joel looked over at you, seeing the smile on your face, “Next time, we are going to have to bring Tess up here, she loves red wine,”

He had never seen you so happy and at peace, even though you were the happier one out of the three of you, and there was something about it that just made him want to smile too after all these years.

“I’m so sorry she couldn’t make it this time,” Frank said and you nodded your head in agreement.

“Yeah, its just been so long since I’ve been to such a beautiful place. I Just want to say thank you, so much, even if we don’t end up working together,” you explained and Frank nodded, pouring you another glass of wine.

“We are working together,” he said raising his glass. You raised yours as well, clinking your glasses together.

You tried not to think too much about business because you wanted to savour the moment of normality. As your hand rested on the table, Joels rested just slightly next to it, the skin on your hands touching. For a second, you wondered if nothing would have happened between you if the world never would have ended.

Despite the way he held you in the night when you were both lonely, you never kissed, never allowed yourselves that level of intimacy. But despite your arrangement to never fall in love, you had fallen head over heels with the man next to you, an emotionally unavailable man who was ready to fight the world to protect you.

“You know what, lets go inside, Ive been dying to show you something,” Frank said, standing up and breaking the silence.

You placed your wine glass down, standing up, “And I’ve been dying to go inside,” you said, turning back to place your hand on Joels shoulder, “Play nice Texas,”

Bills brows furrowed even further than they currently were, if that was possible, as he watched Frank lead you inside, "Not inside! Frank!" He called out, sighing when you two faded into the distance.

"I understand, if my-” Joel started to say his voice trailing off as he tried to find a word that described you, his friend, his lover, “-If mine brought strangers into this situation, I'd be mad too. We're just decent people trying to get by,"

That made him think about his relationship with you. Sure, he had fallen for you during your rendezvous’ but he knew that you would never go for a man like him. An older man who was broken and couldn’t formulate his emotions, you had so much life ahead of you and he couldn’t ruin that.

Bill scoffed at his sentiment, "Aren't I the lucky one?” He said sarcastically, clearly not interested in the alliance between the four of them plus Tess.

"We can help each other, there's things in the QZ you don't have, books, medicine, machine parts," he said, shaking his head as he looked at the gun Bill still had his fist around,“So why don’t you get that gun out of my face?”

Bill reluctantly clicked the gun onto safety before placing it in a holster on his thigh, his hands coming back onto the table. There was silence for a little while, neither men not knowing what to do without their partners to buff the conversation.

“So what, you were a prepped or something,” Joel questioned

“A survivalist,” Bill clarified before goingback to theor conversation, “Maybe you’re decent people but we are self sufficient here, I don’t need you or your fiend complicating our lives,”

Joel looked over at the fence that separates the small town from tthe rest of the rotting world, “That fence has a year on it tops, galvanised wires already starting to corrode. I can get you enough spools to last you the rest of your life, lives,” he explained.

Inside, you had finished your tour of the house when you landed in the living room, your hand brushing over a cabinets as you looked at the glasses and china plates inside.

"So, How'd you two meet?" You asked and Frank explained how he fell into one of bills traps and the man took mercy on him, the two of them proceeding to live together and fall in love.

"What about you two?" Frank questioned. He had noticed the intimate relationship between the two adults the moment they got into the fence, the way Joel's hand would rest on her back and the other would rest on the gun as if he was always trying to protect her

"Before it all happened," you explained, turning to look at him, "Always the gentleman, always the protector,"

“How long have you been together?” Frank questioned.

Your head whipped around and you snorted in disbelief, “Me and Joel? God, he doesn’t like me back,” you said, your smile fading at the last sentence.

Now it was franks turn to laugh in disbelief at your statement, “That man is in love with you, completely and utterly in love,” he explained, watching your brows crease together in shock, “Its the small things, he pulled your chair out for you, tucked your hair behind your ears. Darling, its just the way he looks at you,”

Your eyes were wide as you came to the realisation that he might have feelings for you, feelings that he hadn't even realised yet.

“Okay, maybe,” you said, shaking your head as you tried to ignore the revelation, “Is this your piano?”

You sat down at the bench and flicked through the book already resting on top, your fingers playing the tune. You remembered growing up with the piano in your small home, you remembered playing the piano to Sarah and teaching her during your sessions.

You heard a call of your name and turned to see Joel standing at the door frame, “We should go now darlin’” he said and your heart fluttered at the nickname. You didnt fail to notice the teary look in your eyes as he heard you singing to yourself and playing the piano, it was almost like nothing had ever changed, like you were still 27 and trying to teach a 12 year old how to play piano.

You looked back at Frank and the man smiled, noticing how you finally realised that Joel reciprocated your feelings to some level.

You stood up, tucking the chair in and walking over to Joel. The two of you walked towards the gate, Frank talking to him about something that you werent really focusing on.

“One last thing,” Frank said, pulling out something from his pocket. It was paint and a paintbrush, “You mentioned you like art over the radio,”

"Are you sure about this?” You asked, your eyes wide as you looked at it. He placed it in your hands. It was only small, four or five colours but it was enough to start off with.

“Yeah, you can come back and trade, and bring your friend Tess, I'm sorry she couldn't come,” he said and you nodded.

You looked over at Joel, seeing a hint of a smile pulling at his lips and you knew he had something to do with this. He also couldn’t help but smile at the sight of your wide grin over something so mundane as paints.

“I have this idea, we can use codes fo the radios, you know, in case anyone is listening,” he said and you nodded your head the two of you walking over to the gate whilst you put the paint in your bag.

"Sounds awesome. Thanks for letting us come stay, it means a lot," you said, your voice fading into the distance.

Joel and Bill stood at a distance, both men still unsure how to talk to one another.

“FEDRA will never come up here, you’re well protected from stray infected but soon you will have aides, they’ll come at night, quiet and armed,” he explained, trying to help the man.

He knew that if he was living here with you, then he would be the same way. He wouldn’t let anyone give him advice on how to save the person that he loved or how to protect them the best.

"We'll be fine," Bill said, still stoic. He knew that one day they would need help but right now, he was too stubborn to admit that to the man he had just met.

You turned to look at the men, Joel walking over, "Thank you Bill, Frank,” you said, as smile on your face.

Bill gave you an attempt at a smile from where he stood in the distance and you nodded. You placed your hand on Joel’s shoulder and he looked down at you, a smile on your face as Frank opened the gate.

“See you soon Frank,” you said as the gate closed behind you, the two of you beginning the walk away.

As the two of you walked in your normal comfortable silence, you thought back to what Frank had said earlier about Joel loving you and as you looked up at this man who had been burnt and broken by every person he had ever loved before, you didn’t know what he was actually feeling.

“I was talking to Frank about you,” you said, breaking the silence.

He looked down at you and you looked up at him, trying to figure out what to say. There was no simple way to ask the man you had known for the last 15 years if he ever loved you or if he just saw you as that 20 year old college student who had come to babysit Sarah as a child still.

“What’d he say?” Joel questioned and you shrugged your shoulders, heart pounding in your chest.

“Not much, just that-” you stopped speaking, unsure of how to phrase it, “-that you seemed like a good man,”

You cursed yourself for not taking the opportunity to tell him about how you felt towards him. There was an air of tension now between you, or at least you thought there was, you could have just been making that up.

“And uh, he said that he thought you loved me,” the words just blurted out of your mouth before you could stop them.

Joel froze where he was standing and you looked back at him. You’d never seen his face look like that before, a mix between shocked and horrified, eyes wide and mouth slightly open.

“Do you love me Joel?” You questioned, tears welling up in your eyes. You had never made yourself so vulnerable in front of any man before, you had always been too scared, “Because if you don’t then that’s okay, I didn’t expect you to ever feel the same way,”

He listened to you ramble on, heartbeat in his ears muffling your words. He couldn’t believe that you felt the same way towards him, that you didnt just see him as the broken shell of a man who always tried to protect those he loved.

The silence from him told you everything you needed to know and you tried to keep the tears from spilling over your cheeks. You had just bared your soul to that man and he had nothing to say back to you.

“Its okay that you don’t love me Joel, I was stupid to ever th-” you started to say, a single tear escaping your waterline. He cut you off when you tried to walk away, his hadn grabbing onto your wrist

“Look at me,” he said and you opened your eyes and looked at Joel, at the man who meant the world to you. With his hand still holding your wrist, he stepped closer to you so your noses were almost touching, “You’re not stupid, you’re right. I just can't say it out loud,”

You nodded your head, leaning in so that your noses bumped together, “I love you Joel Miller,” you said and he nodded, leaning in and kissing you for the first time on the lips.

He was experienced and when you pulled away for air, you jumped right back in, hands coming up to cradle his face to keep him as close as possible. You didn't want to ever let go of him now.

When he pulled away, forehead resting on yours, his breath heavy, he looked down at you, “I love you too,” he said, his words quiet as if he was afraid to say them out loud, “You’re mine,”

You nodded, pressing a soft kiss to his lips again, “I’m yours,” you reassured before reaching down and grabbing his hand, “And you’re mine,”

You wanted to relish in the moment but the sun was already starting to set and you two wanted to make it to the checkmark before the sun set, “We've got to go, and maybe we can really consummate our relationship back in the QZ,”

He chuckled at your words, his face heating up at the insinuation. He pressed a kiss to your knuckles, pulling your intertwined hands up to his lips, “You’d like that wouldn't you darling,” he joked

#joel miller x female reader #joel miller x reader #joel miller x y/n #joel miller x you #joel miller #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller fluff #joel miller angst #the last of us fandom #the last of us #tlou #tlou fanfiction #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal #mj writes nonsense

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nonbinary-eddie-munson · 2 years

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I was thinking about how the run away with me au Robin and Steve "should we get divorced?" conversation comes about:

Theyre about 23 and Robin comes home in tears after another break up. The reason: Robin had asked her girlfriend of 8 months, Lorraine to move in with her and steve. Lorraine assumes this means steve is moving out and when Robin clarifys that no Steve is staying, he's an important part of her life theyre married for chists sake. Well Lorraine doesnt take that well, says she isnt going to spend her life playing second fiddle to Steve.

This isnt the first time a relationship had ended for either of them because a partner hadnt been able to accept that Steve and Robin were a package deal. Things had been especially rough for them romantically in the first couple years of their marriage. It wasnt until a particularly awful screaming match between Robin, Steve and Steves first real boyfriend, that they were able to admit their relationship was incredibly codependent and unhealthy. Steves boyfriend had been upset when Steve had cancelled on him for the 3rd time in a row because of a Robin Emergency™️ and decided to confront Robin about it while Steve was in class. Things escalated quickly when Steve came home early from class to find them arguing and immediately took Robins side. The argument and Steves relationship ended with a slammed door, a lot of tears and a new rift in Robin and Steves relationship.

It took a lot of long conversations with Carina and Marjorie, Steve working through his toxic masculinity enough to go see a therapist - He and Robin made a deal that theyd both go talk to someone about, you know almost dieing "do you think me being fucked up by what happened at starcourt makes me weak steve?" "No of course not!" "Well then why would it make you weak?" - and a summer spent apart (Robin taking an internship in rome to study latin) for them to sit down and have a long conversation about boundaries and ground rules for how they would navigate their relationship as well as dating in the future.

Steve and Robin agreed to both take a break from dating while they worked through their respective traumas, and figured out how to navigate their relationship in a healthy way. Things werent easy, the both of them occasionally backsliding into unhealthy behaviors, more than a few nights where one of them spent the night with Carina and Marjorie in order to have space from eachother. But eventually they get their shit figured out and decide to brave the world of dating again. Steve and Robin both have their share of flings and short lived relationships but nothing so far seemed to stick. That is until Robin met Lorraine.

Lorraine was funny, sweet and a little bitchy. They had immediately clicked after being introduced by some mutual friends from school. Robin really thought things with Lorraine were going to work out. Steve and Lorraine had gotten on like a house on fire, she had slipped into Robin and Steves dynamic easily, trading jokes and light hearted jabs, cooking breakfast together on days Lorraine would stay at their apartment. Robin had fallen hard and fast, she thought she had finally found someone who accepted that her and Steve were a package deal. So 8 months in when Lorraines lease was ending Robin (with agreement from steve) asked Lorraine to move in. Things don't go to plan. Robins dreams of a future with lorraine are shattered. She goes home broken hearted.

After Robin has cried herself out, her and steve cuddled together on the couch Steve is the one to broach the topic. Robin immediately bursts back into tears before he calms her back down again saying he doesnt want a divorce but he also doesnt want to hold Robin back, doesnt want to be the reason she cant find happiness. Robin replys by saying if anyone is holding the other back its obviously her, steve gave up everything to protect her afterall. Steve calls bullshit -years of therapy and he can finally say that word without cringing- says he would do it all again in a heartbeat, that she doesn't owe him anything. They stay up all night talking about it, about what the both of them want from their futures. Neither can see a future without the other. they're platonic life partners, one day they'll find their someones who can accept that and if not well, they'll always have eachother.

Of course they do find their someones in the form of a charming if infuriating metal head and a brilliant, sweet, and badass reporter. Through trial and error the four of them figure out how to navigate life together. They all live happy ever after.

Robin and Steve celebrate 30 years of marriage with divorce papers. They'll always love eachother but now they dont need a marriage to keep eachother safe. They dont need a marriage to stay as platonic life partners. They have eachother and they have Eddie and Nancy. They have everything they need.

Lmk what you think! I'd love to have someone to scream with about this AU and bounce ideas off of :D

Tagging by request <3 @ramyayaya

#i think steve and eddie find eachother infuriating in a good way and also a sexy way and i love that for them #i wrote this instead of sleeping #i'll actually turn this into a fleshed out fic i swear. i just happened to see a post talking about how a lot of fics make steve and robin #imcredibly codependent and started thinking about how i would handle that in my fic and decided to write out my ideas #i dont want it to come off as magically theyre perfect and okay. i think things would be messy in the beginning. and still a bit messy #even after bc theyre only human you know. i think having elder queers to talk to would be so important to them for helping them figure #things out you know #i think eddie and nancy wouldnt enter the picture until Steve and robin are 27/28 #im also still trying to figure out relationship dynamics bc the fruity 4 are in a polycule and how i think that would be for them #no matter which way you look at it the relationship between the 4 of them is inherently queer and thats beautiful #i hesitate to have eddie and nancy marry eachother in turn bc yknow heteronormativity #i think people assume theyre together and that eddie and nancy never confirm or deny why people make that assumption #but idk if they ever get married idk ill have to think about it #if you read this far in my tags feel free to hop in my dms and scream with me about this au #id love to have someone to bounce ideas off of #run away with me au #platonic stobbin #robin buckley #steve harrington #steddie #ronance #long post

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tixdixl · 5 months

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For all four of yours?

skin: How comfortable is your OC in their skin? Do they grapple with anything that lives inside them—a beast, a curse, a failure, a monster? How do they face the smallest, weakest, most horrible version of themself? Are they able to acknowledge it at all?

OH THIS IS VERY FUN. Thank you!

Just a heads up warning, this response is going to be incredibly long. So I apologize in advance 😅

Oisín: this is a very interesting question to ask of my dullahan. It's a combination of being comfortable in their own skin while existing in a world that is fundamentally critical or even frightened of them. Humans think of dullahan as monsters. Humans think of dullahan as crewel, as inhumane, as evil. But they... aren't. Their sense of morality when it comes to their role is fundamentally different than humans.

This is what has led them to hiding their headlessness. They start with the TV monitor in public and then move to finding a way to actually wear their own head just to blend in with the general public. But when they are in private, in the safety of those who they love and trust, the TV Monitor or their head comes off. They allow themself to be truly themself, and they stop masking.

Kingsley: OH I FINALLY GET TO TALK ABOUT MY BOY AND WHAT'S BEHIND THE MASK.

So Kingsley is constantly told he is a failure by his parents. This starts as early as ~8-10 years old when his father conducts the first "test" that is done on children in their culture. Because they live in a society where experience is considered a better teacher than mentorship, his father essentially pulls a FMA where he drops Kingsley off in the woods as a boy and tells him to figure out a way to survive for 3 days. If he is able to survive the wilderness, then he will be brought back home. During these 3 days, Kingsley gets into a really nasty fight with a mama bear, and while he does survive it, he walks away with some pretty nasty wounds. He almost loses his eye because of it. When his father returns to pick him up, Kingsley gets really excited. Because in their culture, scars from war are seen as evidence of survival. They are celebrated, because it shows the world that you were strong enough to endure whatever it is you faced. But... instead of being proud of Kingsley for surviving, he is scolded for being unwise. He is scolded for walking away with injuries- injuries that hadnt been properly cared for either. This shame is what inevitably leads him to wearing his skull mask, the casual one and not the formal one.

And this is just one anecdote of a lifetime of double standards, of impossible goals, of constantly never being good enough for his parents. And this in particular is compounded by the expectations placed on him as he goes to NRC. There is nothing that will damage a person more than being told you aren't allowed to go home until you are worthy of being called an heir, and ready to be coronated into lordship. You can imagine the weight of that expectation driving him to immense self-criticism and hyper vigilence in virtually everything he does

At its core, this is the treatment he faces that molds him into the intimidating, harsh (borderline cruel), hyper vigilent, self-critical, supremely isolated, and violently aggressive boy we see entering Freshman Year. And even as he continues to develop his friendships, and especially as we move into the Isle of Cantrevs event, where the crew have to essentially pick up his parent's mess, that weight of having to prove to his parents that he's not a failure is constantly lurking in his shadow.

I think you would even recognize this fear in his own friendships, especially in the RP we are working on with Kingsley and Cooper. And while its not exactly something I've discussed entirely with @ramshacklerumble , I know for a fact this impacts his relationship with Gia, even into them becoming QPPs. But I can confirm that Gia is the first person to point out to Kingsley that he's holding himself to double standards and is incredibly harsh on himself. He's working on it... sorta... 😅

Emil: This is interesting because it's something I've only recently started to dive into. And there are a few directions we can take this.

This is your pre-emptive CW that Im going to briefly discuss trans things, particularly body dysphoria and the desire to change your physical body to feel at home in your own skin. There is also a brief reference to transphobia in here. You've been warned.

For starters, being trans, Emil does experience a lot of body dysphoria. He binds, eventually gets top surgery, and he also seeks out ways to mitigate having a cycle until such time as he decides to have them permanently stopped. He always gets nervous at the prospect of going home because as much as he loves his parents, they don't see him as Emil - at least not until way after he graduates from NRC and leaves home permanently.

His voice is something he often grapples with because despite loving his own voice, he often gets misgendered as a result of it. It's something he struggles with and doesnt have a solution for.

We can also examine this from the perspective of him being a little ray of sunshine and optimistic while being at NRC. He knows that many people outside his friend circle view him as weak. They view him as an outsider. Many even claim he doesn't belong there. This is exacerbated when the Arcane Exchange happens and people start having class with RSA students. But he does belong at NRC. He very much belongs there, and anyone who has actually spent any time with him can see that.

Beyond that, we can look at how he views himself after he Overblots. He thinks his sibling's death was his own fault. He views himself as a failure for not succeeding in his goals. And furthermore, he feels as though he has lost his sense of purpose because he put everything into trying to find a cure for his sibling, only for them to die before he could do anything about it. So then... what's the point? What was the point in any of it? What was the point in going to NRC if he couldn't succeed? What was the point in all of that hard work?

He is slowly but surely grappling with this and overcoming it, but it takes an incredibly long time for him to regain a sense of self and a sense of purpose back. He does eventually realize he is able to use those skills for good - and to the point of "not belonging", that its okay if his strengths dont lie in doing offense. But this is something he has yet to work through.

René: There are three particular directions that I can take this in particular.

I havent explored it much, and truthfully, I should, but René is some sort of nonbinary where genderfuckery and genderfluidity are at play. I have no doubt in my mind this has a major impact on them, being amab, but again, I havent explored it as much as I probably should.

Does their UM count? It's not something they are proud of. They hate the fact that they have it, even though it has been proven useful and it continues to be useful. It doesnt make them feel good that the magic that has come from their experience and from their soul is a magic that breaks mind control, suggestion, or hypnosis. They don't like the fact that their magic is one that forcibly breaks contracts and agreements without repurcussion. Not because its not useful, again, but rather because of what it implies about themself and their existence. I haven't actually sorted out whether or not René comes to terms with this, especially since their UM failing against their father is something that triggers them into Overblot.

Also they don't believe people will actually like them for who they are if they showcase their true thoughts, opinions, and emotions. They have been trained to only be and present a false version of themself that is acceptable to their father and to other people. And it ends up leading them to believe that their real sense of self has no value. Plus its their real sense of self that ends up hurting Rémi in their childhood. And they really loathe themself for hurting Rémi the way they did. These are things I'm still exploring with René and havent fleshed out, but we are getting there.

Thanks again for the ask and if you got all the way this far- thanks for reading!

Prompt List

Tag list: @cyanide-latte @simons-twsted-children @inmateofthemind @ramshacklerumble

@rainesol @elenauaurs (lmk if you want to be added)

#twst ocs #twst #my ocs #oc asks #seris talks #Oisín Anbás #Kingsley Tyr #René Lamar #Emil Lehr

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malewife-yoomyeongwoo · 2 years

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Had another au idea for tsctir that involves HYJ going back in time (about 5-6 years) using the wishing stone, like before, except the wishing stone requires a payment of equal value to the wish (in this case, its at the cost of most of his remaining life) and he goes back in time with his current body.

So, HYJ shows up in the past (scars, injuries, leg injury and all) several months before the awakening broker incident can take place and desperately tries to get in contact with his brother. When he finally does (im thinking that HYJ manages to get HYHs attention cause hes waiting around his brothers guild for him to get back from a dungeon), HYH is shocked (his face twisting with dread? And maybe HYJ notes that the HYH of the future wouldnt have made the mistake of letting his emotions show on his face which makes him feel a bit nostalgic) to see his hyung in crutches and carrying injuries that he shouldnt have and looking older? more exhausted and worn down? than his hyung should be and he’s livid cause, what the hell happened while he was in the dungeon?

The change is too sudden and too severe for HYH to ignore and he has HYJ brought into his guild to get to the bottom of it. HYJ goes through the process of apologizing to HYH and talking and HYH has HYJ explain whats going on cause his hyung looks older, has injuries that couldnt have healed this much while he was in a dungeon, and his hyung uses his crutches like hes had them for a long time, and the notifications hes gotten of his hyungs current state doesnt match up with the hyung hes seeing in front of him; so HYJ gives a, very lacking, explanation (just enough to explain that hes from the future thanks to a wishing stone) but HYH accepts it cause HYJ is able to prove that its actually HYJ and not someone else using some kind of disguise.

So, due to everything surround his future hyungs situation (and how could he abandon his hyung when he looks so Tired?), HYH has HYJ live with him.

Its, awkward. At first. But HYJ is nurturing by nature. He knows he doesnt have long left to live. Hes not trying to get anywhere with the time he has left. Hes just, trying to do what he shouldve done for his dongsaeng. So, this time around, he doesnt hold back and he doesnt mind (though he does get bored) being confined to the house.

HYJ tells HYH lots of things about the future (his way of making it up to HYH for all the stress hed caused him pre regression) in order to help him grow his guild much more easily. And “all hyungs are equal” HYH is happy to have HYJ living with him again. His, significantly older, hyung who stays home and worries over him, cooks him meals that remind him of when they used to live together, and who dotes on him with lots of love and affection. His hyung who looks at him fondly, even if sadly at times, and treats him like a child (even more so than usual, which he blames on the larger age gap, even tho hes an adult, but its a dynamic thats oddly comforting).

During this time, HYJ realizes that he hadn’t seen HYH smile in the 8 years that they had been apart (except when hed died protecting him) and seeing his dongsaeng smile so easily and freely now just. Breaks his heart. HYH smiling an enjoying himself in his hyungs company is what gets HYJ to break his silence on what happened. He starts by apologizing, which confuses HYH cause his future hyung hasnt done anything? But the way HYJs voice wavers has HYH feeling concerned, but HYJ continues. “I dont know how id never noticed it before. Have you really not smiled in all the time we’ve been apart? Have you been happy at all?”

How had he gone so long without realizing a single thing? “I’m sorry I didnt notice how miserable youd been. I’m sorry for failing to be a proper hyung.” And maybe HYJs crying (but trying really hard not to) and HYHs trying to comfort him saying “It’s not your fault; i didnt explain anything” but “I should’ve noticed. You hadnt smiled all that time. It’d been 8 years. I dont think Id ever seen you look happy. How could I have been so blind?” And maybe he’s hugging HYH by this point and rambling “I was so caught up in my own anger after you left; so focused on how i felt that it took-“ he pauses “Yoohyun-ah. You died trying to protect me from an ss class lauchitas dragon that showed up in a d class dungeon i was in. It took you sacrificing yourself for me to realize you still cared. It took you dying for me to realize just how much i needed you in my life. How much i missed you and wanted you in it. I’m sorry for getting mad when you interfered. Im sorry for resenting you all those years. I’m so so sorry. I wish i could take all of it back. You didnt deserve any of that. I should’ve been supporting you. Im sorry. I’m sorry.” And, by this point, HYH knows that future HYJs been in dungeons and had awakened but he hadnt known all of this, but he does know that his future self wouldnt have regretted dying for his hyung. His hyung was his whole world; his life wouldnt have been worth living if hed lost his hyung. He doesnt say it though. Its not what his future hyung would want to hear.

HYJ, over the course of living with HYH (and sometime after the above scene), ends up convincing him to explain everything to the HYJ of this time. His relationship with HYH had been bad but he could still make a difference for his brother now so he does. So, instead of lecturing HYJ about the awakening broker incident (it helps that he knew it would happen ahead of time and why his hyung would even think to do such a thing), HYH apologizes and explains the situation. He explains why hes been getting in his hyungs way; why hed left; why hes cut off contact (seeing future HYJ as distraught as he was before gives him the push he needed to actually be honest about everything) . They end up talking for a long time and their conversation ends with their first hug in 3 years (and maybe an award winning act that resembles what had happened in the original timeline to prevent people from realizing anything’s changed) and a promise to keep in touch and hang out from time to time (albeit discretely; just until HYH has the best guild in Korea). And maybe HYH, at the recommendation of future HYJ, gives past HYJ an envelope containing a lot of cash and tells his hyung to pursue what he really wanted to do with his life; to get the education he had given up for HYHs sake? Idk

When future HYJ sees HYH return home, he looks much more relaxed and like a weights been lifted off his shoulders. It also makes him feel horrible again for not realizing just how much hed made his dongsaeng worry over him —how self centered and uncooperative hed been. It leaves a touch of guilt, bitter in his chest, lingering. But he also feels happy knowing that HYH wont have to suffer the way he did in the pre regression; that things wont have to get as bad as they did.

Of course there’d need to be scenes where HYH gets to enjoy being spoiled and HYJ cant say no to HYHs puppy eyes (especially cause a 20yr old is easily still like a kid in the eyes of a 30yr old); i just dont know what kinda scenes to make happen for this yet (pls let me know if you guys have any ideas)

As HYJ starts to reach the end of his life, the effects of the sacrificial wish stone starts making itself known. HYJ starts to get weaker and weaker; he tries to brush it off telling HYH not to worry, but the first time HYH comes home to find HYJ collapsed on the floor, HYH panics and forces him to see a doctor. When the doctors cant find anything wrong, HYH is about to start going off (to ask for more tests to be done), but HYJ stops him saying theres something else he needs to come clean about regarding his situation. And, when the doctor leaves, HYJ explains that the wish stone was actually a sacrificial wish stone, and he’d sacrificed most of his life in order to go back in time. This information leaves HYH feeling really distraught and he tries to find ways to increase his hyungs life span or improve things in some way, but nothing works. HYJ paid the price before regressing. But, he was able to do what hed wanted, so hes not too upset. His main worry is that HYH would feel sad, so he talks to past HYJ about everything and makes sure that he wont make the same mistakes that hed made (makes sure that his dongsaeng wont be alone this time).

When HYJ reaches the end of his life, hes already bed bound. Hed lost the strength needed to carry himself but now hes having a hard time moving his arms and anything more than talking drains him. He knows hes going to pass soon. HYH takes a vacation just to spend all of his time at his hyungs side. HYH tries to smile and keep things light hearted for his hyung, but, when HYH thinks HYJ isnt looking, HYJ catches HYH looking so sad. Then, one morning, HYJ Knows hes not going to make it to tomorrow and he lets HYH know. HYH tries to hold it together at the news and doesnt leave his side. HYJ doesnt miss the way his hands tremble at the news. The past HYJ is brought over at future HYJs request (he wanted someone to be there for HYH) and, when the time comes, HYH is sobbing and trying to give HYJ some of his own life force to keep him around but HYJ is like “No. I’m ready to move on now. Thank you for giving me the chance to make up and thank you for taking care of me and i love you and im so proud of you.” And he tells the other HYJ to take proper care of his dongsaeng and to be there for him and past HYJ nods and thanks future HYJ for helping to mend their relationship.

And, this time, HYJ is the one who gets to smile softly as he looks at his dongsaeng for the last time.

#tsctir #the s classes that i raised #fic ideas #sacrificial wish stone au #han bro dynamics #han yoohyun #han yoojin #doting parent han yoojin #pain :(#HYJ regression #post and pre regression HYJ exist simultaneously #pre regression HYJ #post regression HYJ #tsctir au

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ventrue-in-control · 2 years

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Jackie but he finally gets home and spends it bein sad, a drabble

He had been home for a several hours now but he hadn’t had time to relax. He knew Fish had gone through all of his stuff which meant everything now was wrong. No way in hell he could relax and be at ease in his own home with things out of place and out of order. or even worse, dirty. since he didn’t know what danny had and hadn’t touched he had decided to wash all of his clothes and clean the entire apartment. First everything had to be removed from its place so the dust could be cleaned of it and then when it was spotless he could place his trinkets lamps, books and sketches back where they belonged. Carefully measured of course as to not mess up the flow of the house. Everything had to be perfect till the milimeter. In the mean time as small breaks from cleaning he would switch out his clothes in the washing machine whenever it ringed. It took him forever to make any progress and even when the sun was slowly creeping up he still hadnt even finished yet. Maybe he had gotten half way through the apartment? Only a 4th of the way with his clothes. There was a lot after all. It was only when the sky started to lighten up he shut all his window blinds and curtains and sat on his bed. It had been a long day. A too long day if it had been up to him. After he changed from his evening wear to his pjs he sat on his bed. Legs pulled up to his chin. Alone once more. He hated it. the family photo on his night stand was there just to mock him with their fake smiles. God. He missed his brother.

He shouldn’t have just left the young’uns. He should’ve manned up and said goodbye. Declan had called him a coward and well… he wasn’t wrong. He had stood infront of chez’ door hand hovering over the handle but he never did turn it. he simply couldn’t. with how sad Declan had been when the kid realized he had to leave it broke him. So he stayed for another day. Just like he had done to his little brother when he had begged for him to stay. But he hadn’t even give him the courtesy of leaving a little note. Jackie had just left. One day he was there in their room and the other day he was gone. Never to come back again. Of course, that hadn’t been his intention. He was gonna get back for him! When he had a house and some money for food. When he had a place worthy of being called home, something safe and loving just like his lil bro deserved. But what was an 8 year old kid gonna do on his own. It was silly. It was beyond stupid. But he wanted to make something better for the both of them! But he never did get that house. And by the time he did well.. his brother already hated him. despised him for leaving him in a house like a war zone. All of the rage from their father now was no longer divided by the two of them. It had been aimed at the youngest, the one that was innocent. Years of abuse… When Jackie finally had the money his little brother was already grown. Finishing up his college degree. And what was Jackie doing? Following his dreams? Get stuck in prison? Protest? His brother had called him a childish fool. And perhaps he was right. But Jackie had tried. And he had never forgotten about his brother either. he was never gonna be able to forget their final conversation. He was never gonna forgive himself for the hatred he had seen in his brothers eyes.

And yet here he was. Doing it all over again wasn’t he? Running off. Abandoning the ones he loved. Well he was leaving the fledgelings with Aiden. Even though he was questionable. He certainly had knowledge if only from his age not to mention the social standing. Jackie did not have any of those things. He couldn’t even promise safety. How was he suppose to compete. Course theyd choose fuckin Cardiff over him. he couldn’t even blame them. He just wished… that things were different. That he could’ve stayed with henry, that he could have fun and teatch folk, improve lifes rather now than later. But the world didn’t work like that.

#//no heckin spell check #also im tired #so ehhhhh #well see if I hate it tmrw #till then!#enjoy!#I did this inbtwn work

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daniellesimagines · 2 years

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2022 Writing Evaluation

tagged by (but not really): @clumsyclifford

1. number of stories posted on ao3: 5 if u include a collab and a blurb :’)

2. word count posted for this year: 3,687 not including the collab

3. fandoms i wrote for: set it off, the mentalist, the mandalorian, 5sos

4. pairings: person x reader

5. story with the most kudos/bookmarks/comments: drunk in love

6. work i’m most proud of (and why): probably nowhere to go because it was my first collab and it was really fun to just write with someone in real time (part 1 linked but i didnt have anything to do with that one lmao i was recruited for part 2 onward)

7. work i’m least proud of (and why): accidentally. it’s just not my favorite i guess. it feels very rushed even tho it wasnt and i was just forcing myself to write in the midst of having no desire to

8. share or describe a favorite review you received: @seasonschange-butpeopledont getting excited about marcus made me so 🥺🥺🥺 u have no idea. even tho it didn’t do very well, i was so so happy it made someone else happy

9. a time when writing was really, really hard: baby girl i posted 5 “fics” this year. f i v e. in a y e a r.

10. a scene or character you wrote that surprised you: i don’t know that anything was surprising necessarily??? i was more surprised that drunk in love did so well tbh 😅

11. a favorite excerpt of your writing: not anything groundbreaking but “how hurt are we gonna get?” “yes” makes me laugh every time i think about it 😂😂

12. how did you grow as a writer this year?: i didn’t honestly. like. at all. i wrOTE F I V E THINGS

13. how do you hope to grow next year?: i can’t force myself to have motivation but i do hope to post a least a little more than 2022 :/

14. who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc)?: @i-opened-the-chamber-of-secrets periodically sending well wishes even when i hadnt been posted for 4 months and it’s just nice to know that someone was still thinking of me and read whatever i posted no matter what it was or how long it’s been 🥺🥺

15. anything from your real life show up in your writing this year?: absolutely 0% lmao

16. any new wisdom you can share with other writers?: you’re definitely gonna look back on stuff you wrote in the beginning and think it’s literally the worst thing you’ve ever read, but you’ll be able to look back and see how far you’ve come and how much you’ve improved!! (and just remember nothing you could write will ever be as bad as onision’s actual real life books)

17. any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year?: my god i’m so excited for the rest of the in an instant series!! it’s so hard to write (more so than i originally thought), but i’m so excited to finally be able to show yall what i’ve been working on with it!!!

18. tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read: @snugglyducklingbrewhouse @bxcketbarnes @seasonschange-butpeopledont @absurdthirst @musings-of-a-rose @bowerquinn

#did this take me 2 hours to do??? 𝓂𝒶𝓎𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓈 #should i just delete this and do all fics instead of just 2022 lmao #i feel like that one would be more interesting anyway #tagged by #but not really #tag game #2022 writing evaluation #long post #daniellesimagines

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loversj0y · 1 year

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hey gang so sorry about delays and stuff on writing, i want to be writing, truly, but

simply put i have not been well, you know how most people get seasonal depression around november? its the opposite for me, i get whatever shitty summer equivalent exists to where, once it becomes around april/may i just forget how to do most things

ive hit a writing roadblock because of it and i hate it, i WANT to write, i have each story in my brain just waiting to be transcribed but my hands and my brain seem to have formed a fence between them incapable of reaching an amends

ive been scouring prompt lists in the desperate hopes that id be able to write something, but it has been less than successful so far

i really wanted to finish the tis the damn season au by now, ive never been more proud of a piece of work, but ive hit such a point of, despite knowing how and where i want to go, i cant, for whatever reason, put the words down onto the page

this is more of a personal vent than an apology at this point but my god i never noticed until now that this quite literally happens to me every year, but my god, i want to work, i want to do the things i love, i want to play my guitar and make my songs and write words about love but fuck man i can barely leave my bed. this is the most effort ive put into anything recently and im struggling with even this

im just tired of feeling like this. i have a video editing assignment due in a week and i havent started despite the hours of footage i still have to deal with and i told myself id spend the day processing all of it but in reality i just- i just finally got out of bed but only because i hadnt eaten all day and had to force myself to eat something even though i barely could stomach any of it

i just dont know what im doing anymore man i want to tell the stories that i have but i cant even write music anymore and ive studied it since i was 8, i feel like ive lost such a major part of myself

#mar talks

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stingrayloveblog · 3 days

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Reading the tags about ded, while you're not entirely wrong there I feel like it was kind of hamstringed by how maybe (at least going by 2's QnA) Iso Padre wouldn't have any real reason per-say to be with the OtH and 8 team afterwards. He found their goal fascinating but not much more really. He probably rode that subway for 5 more years until he finally found purpose, ambiguous as said answer is.

Personally even if dedf1sh was not a png and was just a Turquoise October situation with pure album art they still likely would've added in a sanitized octo anyway to be like "hey Marina did in fact have more friends down underground" and to still showcase that idea of curing the sanitized through a roguelike experience. As 'physical evidence' that Marina's theory does have merit.

That's just me though, I wouldn't know what goes through storyboards or whatever. I'm just saying that if they wanted to avoid a CQ Cumber/ORCA situation they only had two choices: Iso Padre, who could be part of the self discovery journey (and would have even more awkward silence since he sticks out like a sore thumb and is ironically more connected to Cuttlefish then he is Off the Hook. Also elevator and big guys hard /j), or a sanitized octoling, not necessarily dedf1sh, but purely because we see and fought them in OE, so now that opens up so many to-be named faces who Marina likely once knew underground and again, is physical evidence that Marina's plan can work.

Overall conclusion? They would've been the 4th wheel in the Marina/Pearl watch fest and not likely have been able to contribute to much no matter who got the spot.

Yeah yeah but the problem with sanitized octolings that i have brought up like a billion times already if anyone even bothers to pay any attention is that they RETCONNED how it works. Knowing anything about octo expansion in and out of the game tells you exactly how it works and the conclusion marina comes to in side order is NOT it. Besides, youre also missing the fact that i literally admitted my hatred for dedf1sh was initially completely petty, i was just sick of seeing people push aside an actual character for a literal png, so you could imagine what it felt like for that very thing to actually canonically happen. Also, iso padre having less synergy with oth is another glaring issue with side order: it should not just be about whether these characters can have haha funny conversations with each other. It couldve been more in depth, make it truly about EVERYONE kamabo co screwed over and not JUST people marina knew. Because, again, if they hadnt retconned sanitization, you would know there is quite literally no hope for them (not to mention they dont even show any proof of it working in game if you pay any actual meaningful attention). It just made it all seem like they wanted to have a randomly popular character to do fuck all and in order to justify it they had to jump through several hoops. Plus, all of that ended up being completely meaningless once you take alterna into account and it just seems like the devs goal was to jingle some keys in front of people and unfortunately that seems to have worked extremely well for the lot of you. Also i literally dont care that acht was standing around during grandfest that is literally the least of my concerns.

#sorry for the huge paragraph i forgot people dont know how to read #point is: i dont like dedf1sh i think they ruined side order. i dont care. ive said this so many times before #splatoon 3 #weaponblog #ask

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nathank77 · 1 month

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8/14/24

5:29 p.m

I've been sitting here researching morus alba aka white mulberries, looking up things like tardive dsykinesia, Parkinson and the funny thing is, morus alba is often used as treatment for these things. It isn't a cause.

I can attest to it helping with psychosis. I believe it's majorly contributed to my recovery despite not being fully recovered.

I can also attest to it lowering glucose levels as well. Per starting to treat my thyroid my levels have been pulled monthly and I used to be pre diabetic.

My levels have been like 80-90 ever since starting morus alba. I was actually pre diabetic for years. And I mean years.

I still got to get my hdl and ldl pulled soon but it actually did lower my glucose. I'm shocked bc it was trending into diabetes for years.

I'm fortune that I didn't become a husk to psychosis. I lost myself for like a month and if I hadnt played my cards right, I might be rotting in a prison sedated and drooling while my muscles involuntarily move.

It's fucking disgusting to say but I'm extremely lucky that the worst that happened to me is microsleep. I'll prob die from early onset dementia or something.

But also morus alba is shown to be neuroprotective against alzheimers and dementia.

I wish microsleep never happened to me. I almost lost my rapid eye movement. I'm so traumatized it's hard to think about it.

All I can say is I'm thankful i am as mentally strong as I am. I'm thankful that I was able to get past the worse of it and find this plant. Idk what it'll do to me years from now but I know it's helping.

It's actually helping. It's disgusting that Psychiatrist still perscribe typical antipsychotics when morus alba exists. It's disgusting that had I lost myself more, I would be drooling in a "hospital" bc they look at those drugs as "treatment," when they are actually poison.

Typical antipsychotics are poison. They actually need to be phased out.

I know big pharma can't patent a plant but you're killing people, tardive dsykinesia exists singularly and only bc of antipsychotics!!! I didnt know that. I figured it was like Parkinson something that exists by itself but can be induced...

Morus alba deserves more attention. My uncle steve is drooling, sedated, unable to move, talk, laugh, smile, or have any quality of life, as are many people who aren't as, "lucky," as me. No one who gets psychosis or schizophrenia is lucky but some of us hit reality faster, some of us are more resilent. Some of us are luckier.

I wish I wasn't invisible. Morus alba can save so many people from antipsychotics. If only big pharma could patent it and it cared more about people than money.

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enn0s · 2 months

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omggggg!!! bruh my idenITY HAS BEEM REVEALED HASNT IT DAMNNN DAMMN DAAAMN!! you know whats funnie? as I was typing I was like "When will be the day I forget to press anon" I...forgot how different the interface is on here...I am sweating lmaooo

I was not ready for this yet OTLx infinite

*i pretend i do not see* (but hello darlin its nice to meet you for real ♡♡♡) ill copy the old message so we can still talk anon if you're more comfortable with that 😊

im sorry life has been hitting like that lately! i know when it rains it really pours so i hope you've been able to find an umbrella and that you've been finding places to rest enough during this period of go-go-go! i bet once you get settled into a school routine your schedule will hopefully be a bit more manageable.

Linguistics is such a cool field! My partner was going to go into that before life decided that she was gonna be an AC technician lol, she'd still like to get back into it and become an interpreter at some point tho! Languages and their evolution are fascinating, i hope you go and get to enjoy it to the fullest! Fuck everyone else, it's your life and you get to go do what you wanna do.

lmaooo its cool about my partner calling me fucked up and feral, shes not wrong and we were saying it in the context that her and her sister were street dogs and im an alley cat, its why we mesh so well even tho we're all very different people at first glance lol.

I listened to your list and im diggin the vibes!!! WOODZ has been a fav in my house for years im always excited for his new stuff. That first EVNNE song is /it/ tho, i really do like it a lot, their voices don't sound like they're new to the game, they sound really polished for how young they are. Idk whats in the water in Busan but thats where bts jimin and jungkook are from too so it must be somethin special!! That Phantom song brought back SOOO much nostalgia lol it was everywhere for so long and i hadnt listened to it in a hot minute. 2Pac and Limp Bisikit too, still holdin it down after all these years.

whewww this took so long lol top 10 songs /IS/ a hard question to ask! every time i would lock in a list i would come across another song i wanted to add but for the moment i think this is a pretty solid personal soundtrack.

1. Snooze - Agust D (this is Suga from BTS' solo work and it hit me like a fuckin bus the first time i heard it, hes been my guy since their debut and they've gotten so astronomically huge compared to where they started, it kinda gives me whiplash sometimes and ive just stopped interacting with the fandom as a whole besides my little group chats with my friends bc it just got Too Big but despite all that he's still putting out music that touches my soul and aims to comfort the lost and tired and i just... i love him idk)

2. Bleed - Epik High (love these old dudes, my friends call them my kpop dads and this song in particular is a fan song but they've taken bits and pieces from the track and remixed it into new songs over the past few albums which is just a super cool auditory experience for me)

3. Dancing With a Stranger - Sam Smith & Normani

4. Just Pretend - Bad Omens

5. Pensamientos Intrusivos - Kali Uchis

6. Flip Flop - Megan Thee Stallion (its definitely one of her more lowkey beats and a sad ass song but i just. i love her so much and im so proud of her for keepin it pushin)

7. Que Maldicion - Banda MS, Snoop Dogg and Becky G

8. The Sharpest Lives - MCR (i know this album front to back lol)

9. Not Worth It - Emotional Oranges

10. Pied Piper - BTS (sorry for all the infodumping about them but id have to make a whole other list if i got into their discography lol. for the moment this one just jumps out at me as a fav and a vibe)

I hope you enjoy if u get a sec to listen to any of it!

im sending you good vibes goin into your new semester and that your phone stops actin up! its always so frustrating like... u have one job, please work 😭

wishing you good days ahead and time to yourself to recover ♡♡♡

talk to ya next time!

(prev message under the cut for ref ♡)

I sliding through wild, rowdy and funky

D. Racc here once again 🦝✨💨

I hope you didn't forget about me because I didn't forget about yoo hoo~ Since our last talk, I have to admit…if God, gods, or some all mighty force exist, they're giving me a run for my mental and physical health this year, but I am alive and unharmed just…life is LIFING right now But! I will be going back to college this year and I am going to study linguistics. I find it funny when people ask what I'm studying and they reply with an underwhelmed response. No worries though, it just gives me the drive to go toward it even more. I have been getting out of the house often and trying to take care of myself, but I will say its hard to keep consistent with constant setbacks. How's things going on your end?

I totally understand not being able to turn a hobby into a career. I admire those who do, but also respect those who keep it as a hobby because doing it for work will definitely dampen motivation in my opinion. TY TY for the recognition, same goes to you too! because it is VERY hard to actively stay tuned in into hobbies or interests when you're an adult in this day and age. I get you there though loool I hate being told what to do as well even for regular work. At this point I know I need to be my own boss or work under someone sensible which..for some reason, it's rare. But I get you, I started to learn a little late that, even the smallest doodles count as art or even progress. And us as an artist, decides when a piece is done. There's a lot of delusion when it comes to art and as I grew older I realized all these standards are made up! I can art any way I want too! art snobs can eat iiiit~

Awww I'm glad someone who isn't a fan (well YET! hopefully lol) truly recognizes a group or artist's talent when they are actually talented. One of the members, Seung Eon, vocals reminds me of Daehyun's. Saw that he is also from Busan. Them Busan boys got some PIPES! on them. I don't know why it gives off opera potential. Daehyun being in plays just proves it. But man…do I feel your pain. I can't bring myself to support a group when the youngest of the group is like 15. And no offense to those who do…but I have a liiine. Youngest member in EVNNE just turned 18 and the oldest Keita, recently as well, turned 23. This is the only group I stan right now and have been trying to look for more groups 21+. I've seen a couple debuts and took notice of some groups I never got to look into since I dropped the fandom. HOnestly thoough…once again..they are my new B.A.P loool! I don't know how people multitask affection. They are literally the only ones in my EYE VIEW. I do wish them big success on top of healthy, free lives, but I will say I love smaller fandoms. It's much more intimate and less toxic, but I do want the boys to get their moneys worth lool. All that work? Yeah they deserve all the love.

I love K-pop when it comes to the music and culture, however the standards and fan culture honestly turned me off even to this day. It's hard to support the industry with all the twisted shitake mushrooms that go on especially in the background.

ahhhhh! the dreeaded questiiion lool! not in a bad way it's just…so many y'know? and sometimes I forget a song is my favorite until it comes on shuffle again. No specific order, just some off the top of my head.

SUN OR SUCK -WOODZ (fell in love and discovered this man's music late last year I feel like I missed out too, but when he comes out of enlistment!? going to see his first show once he comes overseas, so talented and such a sweet person)

Badder Love -EVNNE

XO -EVNNE

IXLU - BYG (!!! are you prepared for B.A.P's farewell comeback?? they look like classic men, very nostalgic, almost makes me want to draw)

Hole In Your Face -PHANTOM

Do You Wanna Taste It -Wig Wam (Peacemaker put me on)

One Look- Leo

All Eyes On Me -Tupac

Stay With Me - Yoo Young Jae (ft. Zelo) (I don't know why this song always brings a smile to my face. It's one of those songs if serenaded I will combust)

Break Stuff- Limp Biskit

I was fighting so hard to keep it at 10 loool. Sorry it's mainly K-POP, it's really been taking over my radio ;; What about yoou~?

Yeeees as you should've. You already knooow! Tevin Cambell? amazing singer. Stand Out as well…//chef kiss of the divine. Shrek is important to the culture. I know this is somewhat unrelated…but since he's the voice of Shrek, I LOVED Austin Powers. I did not know that man was a constant in my childhood along with Jim Carey. The Mask is amongst my favorite childhood movies.

HAaaaa..I'm sorry but that's so funny. Not him calling you a jacked up and feral ahhh..that's love right there. Tiger + Stray = I bet fierce and majestic on the outside, but natural, wild and free on the inside..maybe a little crack-headedness but hey! that's their charm haha!

TY x3 for wishes of good quality Zzzs N' Meats! I will do my best! Hope you've been well and stay well.

Until next time! D. Racc City OUT! 🚪🦝✨ _💨💨

P.S. My phone is completely inoperable ;-; on my computer like a old head lool I joke. Nonetheless, we will talk as soon a possible ciao ciao and take care

#D. 🦝#ask #i hope you enjoy the evnne concert too!!#yell extra loud for me and remember to hydrate lol ♡

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saydams · 4 months

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i have had a difficult morning and just got back from a difficult (as usual) doctor's appt. i am feeling very frustrated. nonconstructive complaining under the cut

i would like to have a doctor's appt that does not include angry crying, either during or after. i feel like that's a reasonable thing to want.

i went to the doctor for my physical this morning, and i had a list of things i wanted to discuss with her as well. but the nurse doing the vitals and all ended her time with me by saying, "did you have any concerns? is this your physical?" and i said "yes" but before i could continue she said "great" and left.

ok. i guess i should have said "i do" instead of "yes"? that's ok i can still tell the doctor.

doctor asked me tons of questions, i answered them, some of them related to my concerns so i brought them up as they came up.

example she asked how my knee was, i said it was really bothering me and i wanted to go back to physical therapy for it. she said "no, i can show you an easy exercise. you dont need pt."

i have 45 minutes of pt already assigned. but i havent been doing well with doing it recently and it's been about 10 years since my pt, which helped a lot. so i think it's reasonable to want to go back and be reevaluated, maybe get the exercises adjusted. since i stopped it's hard to start again and having someone help me to know if it's ok pain or not is helpful.

(i also am having a lot of trouble with my shoulder, which i had pt for 12 years ago and 8 years ago and have reinjured many times. she did not ask about this so i was going to bring it up by the end) i was concerned that trouble with my shoulder might be why the skin of my hand has been going numb for a couple of days at a time. this is a new symptom and im concerned about it.

she asked about my allergy testing and i told her the allergist found i didnt have any, food or pollen. which was weird because i have symptoms, and bad hay fever. allergist said sensitivities can cause same symptoms (minus anaphylaxis so that's good) but wont show up on allergy test. he diagnosed me with nonallergenic chronic rhonitis, and said to see a nutritionist about the food.

i told my doctor this and she kept saying that a nutritionist can't do anything for pollen. and i kept saying i was concerned about the FOOD not the pollen. and she would not hear me. until i raised my voice and started crying with frustration. at which point she said, "oh, the food? well your insurance won't cover a nutritionist for this. why are you concerned?" and i explained that i was sick, that eating food made me nauseated and gave me stomach pain, and i was always itchy, and i had all these ibs symptoms.

she said i needed to see the gi instead. i explained (for the second time in the appt) that i couldnt reach his office because his voicemail wouldnt accept messages and no one ever picked up the phone, and that i hadnt been able to reach him the whole time he'd been my gi, i only got to speak to him when he called me. and he hadnt called me in over a year.

my doctor didnt seem concerned by this, but did say "oh that's ok, i can send him a message to contact you".

but isn't that odd? like, isn't that a strange and frustrating thing? it's not normal, right?

and then she said, "ok, nice to see you," and walked out.

and never gave me a chance to bring up any other concerns? (or show me the exercise she wanted to show me instead of pt that she refused to authorize)

so i went to the main desk and started crying (not on purpose) and said i needed to make an appt and they said, ok, what did your doctor want to see you about? and i said in a not calm tone that she didnt want to see me, i needed to make an appt with her, because no one was listening to me and i had concerns and i needed to make an appt to discuss them.

so the front desk person said to wait and she was going to go and find out what happened and i was so upset and embarrassed for making a fuss.

and i had to go back into the room and the doctor came back in and said "ok well what is wrong" in a super dismissive tone and i said "i didnt get to tell you what i was concerned about" and she said "ok tell me" and so i said my shoulder was bothering me (i forgot about the nerve) and my knee was bothering me and she wouldnt refer me to pt but she also didnt show me the exercise (here she interrupted me and said that i had said i had exercises already), and that i was really tired all the time and my psychiatrist wanted me to get blood work.

and she said "fine i can send you to pt and i can schedule bloodwork. stay here." and left me in the room and closed the door. so i waited.

and waited. and waited. and i didnt even know what i was waiting for and it was cold and i was tired and wanted to go home.

after almost half an hour i opened the door and found someone, and asked if they could find out why i was asked to wait.

and she said the doctor would be right in. and i heard her get the doctor and the doctor came in and said, "yes? what do you need?" and i said, "you asked me to stay here. what am i waiting for?"

and she said, "no i didnt. i said wait for 5 minutes for the bloodwork order to go through and then you can get it done at the lab."

that is not what she said. she said "stay here" and shut the door in my face.

so i said, "that's not what you said, you said to stay here."

and she walked away, saying sorry over her shoulder.

so then i went to phlebotomy and felt a bit vindicated when i started crying again when they couldnt find my order (they misheard my birthdate, we figured out) and so i explained that i had been left waiting for no reason and then the doctor said she hadnt told me that. and i apologized for crying.

and they told me not to worry about it because they knew just where i had just been and what i had been dealing with and then they badmouthed my doctor to each other the whole time they were drawing my blood. so it was nice to hear it wasnt just me.

i dont know what to do about it though. i wish doctor's visits were less difficult. i dont know what i am doing wrong.

(also this morning the smoke alarm kept chirping so i had to get up at 2 to change the battery and it didnt help so i put a pillow on my head for the rest of the night and in the morning at 6:30 it was still chirping so i took it down. and i had to bring in the dehumidifier i was disassembling on the concrete outside because it looked like rain and i cut my hand on this little metal vanes and dripped blood everywhere. and i still have to put the damn thing back together and they do not make it easy.)

i am so tired.

anyway. i hope the dehumidifier goes back together smoothly and that nothing else happens today.

#frustration

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