#they just assume that bc its kpop i must like it

[nori-the-cat]

Sorry I wanted to ramble a bit bc this been annoying me these past few days

what do you think of tarot readers who might be trying to identify exactly who an idols fs going to be? for instance they may or may not be dating rn or may not want to date. But I seen so many blogs trying to really dig and dig for the info on who they are supposed to be even snooping on random ppls pages and assuming thats who they must be. Either all bc of zodiac orrrr bc they just have that vibe that they assuming. idk shits crazy online nowadays. Without even considering what the idol may or may not want or like in a person or if the idol even want to date at all which again they might not want too.

I also wanted to say I think it got harder to genuinely meet idols and celebs in more relaxed places nowadays than in the 00s or even the 90s were a slightly more reasonable time period for celebs to meet ppl more freely. I also think some idols just going to be wanted for their body or their face, ppl who follow them on tneir social medias just going to be lusting for them and I can think of a few idols that will probs just be used for sex or hook ups bc of the way their companies using their image.

You wouldnt be able to genuinely meet them in casual settings without their fans making a scene about it. One of the super junior guys said they user to dress as female and i thought he was a genius for that cause no one saw who he was when he was with his partner but thats sad too at the same time bc hes old enough by now to surely be able to openly date without stupid behaviour from his fans

Sure there some very very goodlooking physically idols but like there is more to them than their body yet all I see even on their personal tags on this site is just straight up oversexualisation of them to the point it really seem delusional and unhinged, it like ppl aint seen abs before kpop normalised male idols showing abs. So I dont think its actually possible for just to have normal conversation w/ idols if you were to meet them bc like they not going to trust easily and they might not notice u if u arent a somebody with a lot of followers. all in all it seems very vein even if the idols are likeable, I just dont like nor agree with this overreaction that ppl seem to habe toward them and their personal lives. Even i found myself getting sucked into it bc like what else is there besides celebs and idols? there just nothing normal about it anymore.

For instance I was thinking it would be more doable to meet them privately and just treat them like they are normal non idol but it just not possible anymore sadly :c theres many idols I like or wouldve liked to get to know if I had the means too without stalking ro being delulu but its so realistically impossible.

Idols cant even stand next to opposite gender without getting rumors so like I often do wonder how they going to meet their fs if that something an idol might want but then I also am like it dont matter, ik it not me. But like wouldnt you be bit curious as to what it like? yet the downside will always be social media users sending hate if they fs get found out, knetz overreacting, media overreacting, stalkers, sasaengs and so on. Yet I want bts for example to meet their fs already.

Yoongi already seem like he doesnt particularly care if he dont meet his fs but at the same time he got more chances to bc of his popularity and so on. if life wasnt about money i think kpop would ne less toxic overall bc we could then enjoy these groups more than just for the way they look or how rich they are and so on.

sorry for my long ramble but i dont think its spoken about enough cause how normalised it is to be fully deluded about idols and their personal life. anyway i enjoy your readings as they dont poke too much <3

Hello Anon, this was an insightful thought. Thank u for taking your time to share it with me. ♡

Now, you asked me why other tarot readers are doing tarot readings on idols FS. Well the answer is I don’t know. I truly don’t know. I don’t have the answer either. I also don’t want to judge how other tarot readers do their reading or what reading they like to do. I mean I do read idols ideal type, their take on romantic relationships, how they are like as boyfriend, and many more. So, who am I to say something on this? 😅

However, celebrities in general live a fairly private life. This makes them become or seen as interesting. I mean wouldn’t you want to know what your introverted friends do on the weekend? It’s the same with celebrities. The more mysterious someone is, the more other people want to know about their private life and that includes whoever they date or marry. On top of this, celebrities live a wealthy, segregated, and privileged social life which normal people can’t have. The side effect to this is that people would obviously want to know what they do on a daily basis and who they associate themselves with.

I hope that answers your frustrations. Also, thank you for enjoying my readings. ♡

[leonaluv]

why cant female x female just be good friends I would blush too if hwasa was in front of me but that dont mean I would be gay I just admire her and think shes stunning. same goes for male x male people who actively study idols dynamics probs end up doing more harm than good to their own delusions bc they see male x male idols acting like they dating and they automatically assume it must be true. kind of mad huh? I wonder if idols ever secretly make fun of their fans like once they put the cameras off maybe they think what the fuck are people on? same for those videos or people who say theyd be gay for xyz idol without knowing their sexuality it just a bit weird and delusional of them.

its also problem where they think that idols of opposite or same gender cant just be close or good friends or touchy feely without making it about if they are gay or not. how else these groups supposed to function or get to know one another if they dont act like they close? its funny when I watch those youtube shorts that make a narrative like xyz member is or looks jealous bc of another member and the ship yadayadayada. it just basic interaction. hence why I think many kpop stans dont actually care for the songs themselves they just want certain narrative to be true about the idols even if it really may not be true or often staged for extra footage.

woah not care for the songs , I stream pop , and her new songs

I know all of moonbyul songs , idc , who they dating or going to marry

why not its okay for gay fans to express their interest into people

hell half of them be queer bating all the time

[mad-ncity]

i dont understand why ppl send me kpop tiktoks about groups i dont even like

[6ebe]

BOSS got over 3M views last month alone. CB 2mil, t7s and bds 1.5M. This isn’t a lazy fandom, this is a small core fandom. Most fandoms have 70/30 ult. stans and then multi-fans, NCT is the opposite. NCT’s is one of the few where the multi-fans outweigh the fans who’s ult. bias is NCT. That’s why the crack videos have views, but streaming and voting get so few. They’re always going to stream, vote, and support their ult. over NCT every time. And then talk about how they’re a ___ and an NCTzen.

Ok?

[lesbiheon]

Hi, sorry to bother you! I was just wondering how you got started making gifs? I really love your gifs, and I've been kinda wanting to try to make some, too!! I just don't know where to start...

hello! it’s not a bother at all!!! :-) bc this is such a complex sort of question and it’s kinda hard (for me) to describe things I’ll give a rundown of what questions I asked myself in the beginning and I’ll also link you to some resources!

how do I download the videos that I want to gif?

performance

vimeo

vlive (sometimes works for youtube, twitter, vimeo, tiktok, does not work for vlive+ content!)

youtube

what program do I want to use?

photoshop cc 2020 - the program I use and am most familiar w (this is a crack ver and I’m not sure if it still works! I know that there’s a monthly payment option that gives you access to ALL adobe programs including after effects, premiere pro, audition etc. the whole shebang!)

photoscape (2) - I used to use this program about 10 years when the gif limit was 500kb so I’m not too familiar w it now but I do remember that it was really easy to get the hang of and it’s free

how do I want to import video frames to photoshop?

now assuming photoshop is your program of choice you will need to find the method you prefer for importing frames! there are 3 ways I am familiar w! included are links on how to download and use

file > import > import video frames to layers - this combination within photoshop will pop up a window and you will need to use the slider to select the scene(s) you want

avisynth - works w windows

vapoursynth (2) - typically for mac but also works w windows (this is the method I use and unfortunately I don’t have any links for downloading on windows)

how do I want to crop and size my gif(s)?

crop tool then image > image size - first you need to decide what size you want your gifs to be! here are some sizes frequently used: 268 x 350, 300 x 300, 540 x 250 / image > image size... this combination within photoshop will pop up a window where you can choose what size you want your gifs to be you usually just want to change it to the size of your gif because if you don’t you’ll go past the 10mb limit

avisynth - using the resizer plug in (this will crop your gif to your liking and isn’t as limiting as the method above)

vapoursyth - the same process as the video linked above ^w^

how do I want to sharpen my gif(s)?

smart sharpen - within photoshop

topaz labs - video enhancer software that once downloaded can be found under the filter options within photoshop / denoise and clean are the 2 most used / here is where you can download and here are codes that might work (I’m not sure if they do I haven’t actually used this in years sorry ;;) and here is how to sharpen ***note*** topaz is incredibly finicky and must be done and saved in a specific order or else photoshop will crash and you will tragically lose all your hard work my advice would be to save as you go to avoid a heartbreak...

vapoursyth - coolest thing about this program is that it comes w topaz installed! no need to download it! you will just want to come up w settings you feel comfortable w

how do I color?

this question is a bit hard bc... it’s all about experimenting! there’s a lot of awesome ppl that do post their psds and you are always welcome to use them but you can also just play around yourself! some adjustment layers I recommend to use are selective color, color balance, curves, levels, and hue and saturation!

here are blogs dedicated to just posting psds! kpop-colorings, kaypoppsds, kcolourings, jjangpsd

here is a tutorial on how to add psds to gifs

how do I save for web?

here is a really nice in-depth post about all of its settings!

that’s really all I can think about atm I hope this helps some ;; and pls feel free to msg me directly if you ever need help w something or if you have questions about certain things, etc.! I’d be more than happy to help!!! (I’m also always down to make a video tutorial of how I make gifs/address any specific question you have or anything you’re struggling w!) something I always say to anyone who asks me for advice is to make some sets w the intention of not posting them as in just a random set for yourself! play w cropping play w sharpening methods play w adjustment layers just have fun and experiment on your own time bc just practicing can become really really fun! I wish you lots of luck and the best w gif making!!! and thank you so much ;w; 💓

[arinning]

ur analysis on irene was so callous and cold. if the account is true what irene did was wrong and it has significance, its not something to just be forgotten in a week. she should’ve never treated her stylist like that and obviously i wasn’t there but if the whole thing is true she should step back from promotions for a while, at least to reflect on herself and what happened bc it has signficance. it doesnt matter if its a part of korean culture, verbally harrassing someone for 20 minutes to the extent that they cry is significant and ur post came off as if you were attempting to downplay it or normalise it. remember, this is extremely recent and she has multiple accusers. you can still support rv or irene, its just also important to acknowledge that workplace harrassment is serious and extremely wrong. this goes beyond kpop.

I never said what she did *wasn’t* wrong, I know it is. I simply aimed to contextualize it and explain why it was a) an abuse of power she thought she could get away with, and b) an unprecedented move on the part of the editor she harassed. If you look back on my post, you’ll see that I applauded the editor for assuming the power in that scenario and exacting her own justice for the mistreatment. It was very well done and she got exactly what she wanted: an apology for her and her team members (this based on the update she posted) and a promise to discontinue that kind of behavior in the future. 

My aim with my post was to get people thinking, because replace the name Irene with Mariah Carie and no one is batting an eyelash. It’s expected behavior of divas in the west, and Irene is exhibiting diva behavior. I don’t see that as a good thing, but I’m not surprised to find this out about Irene’s personality. What she did was wrong, but that doesn’t mean she’s one hundred percent evil, and it doesn’t mean the others in Red Velvet should have to halt activities while she ‘reflects’. Will she actually reflect? If this is her true personality, then probably not. So why should other people who have put in hard work, like the cast and crew of the movie she was in who are now talking of delaying the release date which will result in money lost, have to suffer for her actions? 

I’ve worked in retail before, in a grocery store and faced lots of workplace harassment personally. A manager threw a clipboard at me once. My superiors have blown up at me without giving me a chance to defend myself, they’ve insulted me personally, and they’ve treated me like I don’t know a damn thing about my job no matter my experience or qualifications. It’s demeaning, and it’s not fun, but sitting there and telling them they’re wrong doesn’t change anything, since they already have the entitled mentally. Instead, I went above those managers heads and got them fired for the abuse. That is what this editor did in a sense, went above Irene’s head to her true employers: the public. A lot of damage has been done, and since she has a public reputation she *has* to change if she wants to keep her job. So yeah, it should be over with now because she got her punishment. She deserves the chance to start improving herself and show she’s changed, so why not start right away? Turn the new leaf and get started now. Anyone in the real world who does what she did wouldn’t be suspended for more than a week, why must her punishment be different? 

These are all just my opinions of course, and you’re entitled to your own opinion as well. Perhaps I normalize workplace harassment because I’m so accustomed to it myself, and I simply have a ‘get over it or do something about it’ attitude towards it. I will ask that in the future you do not try to impose your own views on others and watch your wording, since it comes off as if you’re allowing me to have certain thoughts or views. I invite criticism as long as it is respectful in delivery. 

*** Note to everyone, this is the last I will be discussing the matter about Irene since the editor who made the original post has asked everyone to stop making posts and discussing it. Thank you to everyone who has read, reblogged, liked, and replied to it, whether in agreement or disagreement. 

[qazastra]

Thoughts on clothes

this is so vague raven thank you for responding to that ask post i reblogged

i like em. its very fun to wear clothes that i like even/especially when they’re a little obnoxious. can’t wait till it gets colder outside so i can wear LAYERS again... catch me with neon fishnets and a plaid skirt and a striped turtleneck with another shirt over That one... oooooh im excited. more is more that’s my philosophy. also death to fast fashion please! though it is marvelously entertaining to see what the industry comes up with it’s not worth the human rights violations. cheap fashionable clothes RULE but there must be a better way. also haute couture and labels and especially supreme is a scam. pay for the labor don’t pay for the name!! and honestly idk how i feel about the Fashion Industry... like... clothes are to be worn. if they don’t make you happy why bother putting any effort into picking them out just to follow trends or Look Good if you don’t really love what you’re wearing. personally i love looking like an absolute buffoon and clown every so often.

more thoughts under the cut because i just kept rambling

ALSO it fucks me up how many labels that put a lot of effort into their lines ‘for women’ are designed by MEN??? i’ve never understood that and i dont think i ever will lmao Let the Ladies Design...

also SUSTAINABLE FASHION!!!! you love to see it. never but something new if you can get it secondhand. this goes double for leather goods if they’re in good shape. i don’t like pleather, leather lasts a super long time if you take care of it and bonus it’s not plastic. always mend your clothes if you can and donate your old clothes or resell them (for rEASONABLE prices! please don’t be like those people on depop selling clothes for $30 they bought at amvets for 3 bucks... like yeah i wish i could make money that way too but it’s Just Not Quite Ethical now is it)

side note it also fucks me up how workwear is In Style right now??? like dickies and overalls?? had a friend who i assume is relatively wealthy (wealthier than me at least) buy an entire new outfit to go walk in the woods and it included some dickie’s overalls. girl. i get that you want to look like a ‘cute little train conductor’ (direct quote) or whatever but idk it just rubs me the wrong way, maybe that’s a me problem?? like i have a pair of dickies work pants that i literally wear to work for my dad when we’re painting or stripping woodwork. and i think they look sick bc of the paint splatters and stuff so i wear them normally too. but. they’re actual work pants. this is in the sam vein as whoever just made an ikea bag and tried to sell it for hundreds of dollars. pathetic. if you’re gonna be a big name expensive fancy fashion house then at LEAST do something interesting???? baffles me how many simply do not sometimes (or at least a few years ago when minimalism and normcore were The Things)

but yeah i love clothes so much and i love fashion subcultures so much!! i got really into english-speaking lolita fashion youtube for a while a few months ago and it was pretty cool. also i see a group of people in black with like green hair and shabby clothes like they just stepped out of the 90s grunge scene and i go feral on the inside like: YOU GUYS LOOK SO FUCKINGKUGG COOL OMFG......... my dream is to absolutely Dive In to multiple fashion subcultures but like switch it up every day. so one day i’d be like fairy kei, then the next it’d be 80s berlin punk, then 2005 garage rock revival strokes copycat band, then next it’d be hawaiian shirt bisexual, then architecture professor, then kpop idol with one dangly earring, then like flowy prarie girl or whatever, then what lovenikki dress Up queen thinks street style is, then luna lovegood, you get the picture. you get it. at this point honestly my greatest limitation is the physical size of my closet.

hope that was vague and specific enough to answer your ask lmao

have a wonderful night yall

[soofection]

jenkai discourse in retrospection

 (long post)

to take a slightly more light hearted break from all the updates regarding the burning sun case, I propose a discourse of jxk in retrospection after gaining all the new knowledge exposed by the media recently

dont read if you dont want to, if you read please dont come attack me for posting what I want on my own blog 🥰

In no way is what I type facts, and I am NOT comparing burning sun case with jxk (jxk is so insignificant and jxk is not a criminal case) yet I will make references to what the media and companies are capable of doing as proven by the exposure from the b. sun case regarding similar behaviours.

---

we now know that the kpop world is not what some once thought - an ideal fairytale land where idols/ the media never lie to us.

The truth:

We finally realize for sure that in korean ent. industry, sexual favours (in exchange for sponsors, promotion via media manipulation, basically fame and safety), offering prostitutes services... all in all using SEX is commonly used in return for connections / power / protection from the 'higher ups'.

why did jxk happen?

I propose: to cover yg x jni sex/sexual activities and jni has sponsors rumours (updated). After knowing yg is to a certain degree (personal assumption: large extent) involved in B.Sun and gangnam clubs, it makes sense to suspect that the jni rumour could be real. look up yg's past history, how he obtained his wife (emphasis, obtain). 12 years older yg 'fell in love' the moment he saw his wife as a second year middle school girl, recruited her at 16, ruined her career and married her. who knows how exactly yg treats his younger girl employees? Who is there to protect them?

but its just a 'groundless' rumour why was yg desperate?

to propose reasons: 1) it could be real, if so he HAS to camouflage it before it blows up further. 2) even if its not real, he didnt want to put bp's and his own name's reputation at stakes since bp is his most money earning group right now 3) if he doesnt make a deal with dispatch, who ofc are capable of digging deeper and they hate yg (proven by their ability to obtain kkt chats and exposing b.sun evidences) to supply them a fake scandal to cover ygxjni... dispatch WILL expose him. (also keep in mind jni has other sponsor rumour that might or not be true). and 4) - suggested by anon: yg could be taking precautions before b.sun scandal blows up. As we know b.sun revolves around sex crimes, Yg must get rid of the 'boss had sex with employee' label before b.sun blows up. Or else he will get dragged, it would be like adding oil on fire.

this theory is reinforced by allshitpop stating a media outlet discriminately announced 'the yg x jni rumour was false.' why purposefully mention it when no one asked?

but why ji?

main reason: hes an artist from sm. Yg desperately needed a scandal impacting enough to satisfy dispatch (releasing small unconvincing sandals will discredit dispatch's liability and reputation. ) But what to do when none of yg's male artists are popular enough to create a fuss nor any male groups's careers mature and stable enough to withstand the scandal pressure from the general public? the obvious solution is ofc to beg other big companies - sm or bighxt.

Most popular boy groups atm is still btx and ekso. honestly yg wouldve prefered btx due to their crazy fame, and jni will be their first dating scandal... the reactions would be DRAMATIC. yet in contrast to ekso, btx didnt really need to take that risk in hopes for more popularity. (rmb there would always be adverse effects when being involved in a dating scandal despite positive reactions and large no. of supporters). Also, even if btx has any scandals to cover, bighxt's recent merge with cj-enm (described as 'a powerhouse' aka very huge powerful company) means btx's any potential scandals can be taken care of for now. so that leaves ekso.

Who in ekso fits ji's image the most?

(hence will recieve 'positive' reactions and make them more aesthetically believable. without a doubt, its ji and his on going promoted sex appeal.) Reasons for ji and not other members: 1. theres no harm in giving him a beard (personal belief, ignore point 1. if you think homosexuality/kaisoo pairing isn't plausible) 2. to raise his popularity for his potential upcoming solo. 3. if someone who was involved in dating scandal before came up again, they probably predicts the pairing to be more positively recieved --> more supportors and a more hyped response from the public.

but none of that happened, the scandal was managed poorly. The paris evidence was made in a rush (dates didnt match) park pictures were too ambiguous (again dates and time didnt match), even when dispatch posted a pic of ji in a carpark supposedly came back from hawaii to give jni presents after landing - we learned from ji's own ig live that the day he wore the outfit in the photo, he had already returned to korea a few days ago, was around town shopping and went no where near the airport. Besides these failed attempts there was absolutely no other proof that jxk is real.

why was it poorly managed?

bc this is a rare collab between two big rival companies. Yg was the one begging at the start yet sm wasnt able to take full control of this scandal. Conflicts and disagreements upon makng many decisions were highly likely to occur between these two rivals.

The break up

a lot of fans were shocked when jxk broke up just after 25 days. (brand new record). what else is weird?

sm personally confirmed jxk broke up abruptly. Usually when couples break up, fan rumours start to float around first. But not this time, no rumours surfaced yet sm all of a sudden definitively stated that jxk broke up. Back then I already predicted it maybe because yg or bp got into trouble hence sm wanted to distance themselves as far as possible. I still stand by that idea.

Sm must get away from yg and b.sun case for the sake of theirs/ekso's reputation. sm def dont want to be dragged into the mess. Remember, sm as a huge company themselves def have their own dirt to hide, getting dragged means huge consequences if the investigators target them.

so why did sm agree in the first place? I assume its bc altho sm knew that yg had dirt to hide, they did not know it was something as serious, severe and big as b.sun case / tax evading case. Therefore, what are the coincidences that sm announced breakup shortly before dispatch sparked reinvestigation into b.sun by posting crucial evidences? (the first chats)

its highly possible that dispatch warned sm, (which makes them sound like the good guys but no. remember sm is dispatch's source of money and partnered with them many times. b.sun indeed aint directly related to sm, (as for now) dispatch has no reason to ruin sm) Or, sm could have found out through other sources that b.sun case will blow up soon. they quickly cut their collab with yg early, and announced break up probably without telling yg first. (since telling them possibly means giving dispatch away).

this also suggests that dispatch hates yg but anyway.

The benefits of ji

Comparing the two, jni seems to be the one who gained more from the scandal. She got most of media and the public's attention. there is an explanation for this - shes the 'rookier' one, and the trendier one out if the two since bp is still rising when ekso has reached their plateau. However, ji did gain his own lesser share of attention (indicated by the gained followers on his ig).

I have always said that when idols agree to be involved in a scandal, they are likely to get a 'reward.' but now thinking about it, agreeing to scandals is part of ji's contract, rewards are bonus but not obligations. Besides, the scandal itself supposedly helps ji gain popularity for solo and gains a beard, sm didnt NEED to give him more bonus. Often when idols get more modelling jobs / solo etc after scandals is bc sm uses the risen populairty from scandal as an opportunity to maximise profit by giving them more jobs, it might not be bc sm wants 'pamper' them.

Plan cut short

unfortunately for ji who is not getting his solo soon, the jxk plan flopped due to poor management, and was cut short due to b.sun case. The scandal did not fulfill what it was supposed to do and ended prematurely . Followed by the apparent troubles in sm negotiating contract terms with ekso, (delayed ekso schedules),chxn suddenly getting a solo, and the blowing up of b.sun case, ji might have missed his chance again. Or hes simply still preparing.

to summarize i want to clarify a few things.

- none of these are facts, but an overall picture forming one huge speculation.

- I dont try to defame bp or shame them. i also am not trying to state that girl artists def had sex with the hihgher ups. b.sun has shown us that men always have more power over women, and they rarely get protection.

- I want people to realize the dark side of kpop. The kpop industry is full of conspiracies, media manipulation and lies. What you see on tv is not who your idols are portrayed to be on camera. Don't impose your ideal vision on them and hurt others when reality suggests otherwise.

side note: this theory conveyed reinforcement to statements I've made before

- conspiracies are real and true. Look at all the dark and shady events involved in b.sun case

- media play, mass manipulation exist and are common practice.

- dispatch and sm collab and are partners on a case by case basis.

- idols lie on interviews all the time, their tv persona is different from the real them.

- companies offer protection for their idols

- it is indeed common practice to use one scandal to cover another

ANYTHING can happen in the world of the k ent industry. dont lightly dismiss any possibilities. We must analyse the sum of the situations - the full picture of any events before believing anything we are told.

[karak9]

Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

[clarz-cc-archive]

answered July 4, 2020

Q: https://twitter.com/clarz/status/1279531373263556608?s=21 this is absolutely great advice & thank you for voicing it! i totally agree. i do wish though that i could adhere to it better. in the case of a fandom as huge as army, i honestly find it difficult, even when muting certain words and blocking/muting people, to keep myself from seeing stuff that upsets me and not be affected by it. i cant help coming across tweets that promote that whole btspop/anti-kpop narrative, which personally strikes me as inherently xenophobic and somewhat problematic and those takes always leave me uncomfortable. same with some other (very loud) opinions that seem so ubiquitous recently on army twitter. i block left and right these days, but i honestly find it almost impossible to avoid certain parts of fandom twitter that i don’t agree with because they are everywhere. i’m literally just here to see cute pics of the boys and engage with my circle of friends, but wow its becoming exhausting. how do you manage to not be affected by this?

A: i agree that it's impossible to avoid EVER seeing takes that make you uncomfortable or upset! for me it helps to have good fandom friends who you can vent to when you see something that annoys you; i frequently try to avoid actually tweeting about fandom stuff that i find annoying unless i think i have something new or useful to add, bc tweeting publicly always means engagement, since more people will respond, which naturally extends the length of time over which i have the convo (plus even if they agree with me that Thing Bad, they might disagree about why thing bad and then that's a whole thing lol.) i find that certain days are worse for me than others, whether bc army is being particularly spicy or bc my temperament is particularly cranky, and i know it's hard to do but the only surefire solution i've found is just to get off twitter for a while! if twitter is not making me feel good that day, i'm not gonna be on it.

for me it also helps to speculate about what people's motives could be for tweeting the things they do. MANY ppl just suck, but i think a lot of people have bad opinions in good faith and have been indoctrinated into thinking that they're being a Good Fan by doing what they do. frankly, i think a lot of the upset caused by seeing tweets you disagree with comes from assuming the worst possible motives from the person tweeting it, and i try to ask myself like, "does it really affect my life if this person wants to be anti-kpop?" and so often those anti-kpop tweets are obviously SPECIFICALLY looking to upset "kpoppies," so if i allow myself to be upset about it, that person gets what they want! just... how sad must their life be that they feel the need to court controversy in order to make themselves feel good.

[jiminxh]

my parents think that bts is useless and i should listen to normal english music. since i’m only 18 right now i wasn’t able to go to the red bullet tour they had in singapore (2014) or even the music bank because i’m not allowed to work for myself and the money i get is controlled :((( i wish i can experience their concert once , just once would be enough for me even though i don’t have an army bomb or any merch 😔💕

Hhhh.. 😔Im sorry to say this but I must say they are kind off closed minded (?) like whats “normal english music” anyway.. and its kind off surprising since u r also asian (im assuming you’re from singapore, im also asian so kpop is not that alien right?) Maybe if you explain what bts actually do and how they actively participate in making a better change, that they are influential group of people (I mean uhm is unicef irrelevant to them?)

Yeah.. it used to be hard for me to go to concerts, bcs I was not able to earn for myself yet. but never bcs my parents didnt allow me. I always told them why I want to go and why i really like the artist and then they would let me as long as I save up for it myself (its more abt teaching me how to appreciate money)

it doesn’t matter if you dont have army bomb or merchs really, if you like them you like them. I hope your parents would be more understanding and you’ll get the chance to see them 👏 (maybe try make a deal with them? if u achieve something they’ll let u go or smth)