#they know i havent been able to go out and really see them since april. and its too light out for me to orient myself

[southislandwren]

writing my scholarship thank you notes as if im not already planning on skipping the awards banquet to go see a total solar eclipse in texas lol

[anonymous-dentist]

hii! i havent been able to keep up with the lore since the theory bros and stuff. could you give a quick rundown of everything involving the eggs, binary monster cucurucho and stuff? (i didn't know who else to ask)

I'll do my best! :D

SO I'm actually going to start by talking about Arin, who is the consciousness that sometimes inhabits q!Luzu's body.

Arin says he is not an AI, but he is from "another world", and, most importantly, he can see code. He knew when the eggs arrived because of the change in code.

Arin is actively being hunted by the Binary Guys. He's also building a machine to connect his world and the qsmp so he can try and bring Tilin back to life, and that's important because that machine is one of the things that the Theory Bros are looking into.

And now, the Theory Bros.

The Theory Bros are made up of q!Bad, q!Maximus, q!Foolish, and now q!Cellbit, who is fucking smart, btw. There are also some new members who are just kinda hanging out? Like q!Phil, who is the babysitter, and q!Roier, who is just kinda hanging out tbh, and now English q!Quackity, who is notably separate from Hispanic q!Quackity.

The group was originally founded by Bad, Maximus, and Foolish shortly after Trump Egg's death, and now it's developed into a society dedicated to solving the mystery of the island and, most importantly, escaping the island.

They didn't get super far until recently when the Brazilians showed up, because it turns out that Cellbit is like a professional ARG maker and solver. His character is also just a little bit insane I think, but that's not super important.

They have a bunch of secret bases set up, and Foolish has. His living room.

But every time they've gotten anywhere, something has happened to keep them from making progress. Sometimes it's the Binary Monsters, sometimes it's Cucurucho, sometimes it's their own arguments. And sometimes? Sometimes it's the eggs.

The Eggs.

The Eggs all showed up as part of an event that started in like mid-April if I remember correctly. Basically, the island was split into a bunch of pairs- one English speaker and one Spanish speaker- and they were supposed to take care of an egg. Whoever kept their egg the happiest would get a reward when the eggs' mother, a Fucking Dragon, showed up. Whoever's eggs had died would be horribly punished.

This is fine, but it gets interesting not even a week into the event when Cucurucho tells q!Roier not to touch his egg and not to trust it. Roier has not, to my knowledge, mentioned this to anyone because he's a secretive bastard.

And then some eggs died and there was a funeral. The dead parents got to say a goodbye to their eggs in a room under the cemetery. Angel Rubius (suspicious) was there, as was Cucurucho, and the whole thing was sponsored by the QSMP Federation. At said funeral, the "dead" Trump (the Egg) said that "they" are scary, not mentioning anybody by name, but him saying that and then immediately getting shut up kinda set Maximus off on his theory stuff full-force.

Since then, the eggs have been really kinda sus, some more than others. Leonarda said that her best friend was Cucurucho, and she's also kinda been on a whole 'hey dad don't look too deep into anything' kick recently. And then there was a secret Federation torture tunnel beneath Richarlyson's house, and then there is the sudden and spontaneous appearances of both Tallulah and Richarlyson. And then there are the Weird Things.

Because the eggs were supposed to die a few weeks ago. A hijacked island announcement said as much, and then, on the day of their supposed deaths, the eggs disappeared and came back with cracks in them. Since then, they have been increasingly attacked by the Binary Monsters, and that's weird.

The Binary Monsters

So the Binary Monsters first showed up on a Philza stream from April. He and Fit killed one, and then we didn't see one again until Luzu's reappearance on the server after a hiatus. During that stream, Arin reappeared, and so did the Binary Monsters.

Since then, the Monsters have showed up attacking vulnerable eggs. They seem to go after eggs alone with one parent- case in point being Philza in a stream recently when he was alone with the eggs and then a Monster killing Bobby while he was alone with Roier in the middle of nowhere.

The Binary Monsters have Binary Names! :D They seem to be naming themselves after... things? One of them had a name that translated to '777', which was interesting because it was the one attacking Foolish and Leonarda right outside of Vegetta's house right after Vegetta had logged off.

Cellbit has the theory that the eggs and the Binary Monsters are related. He also has the theory that the Binary Monsters and Cucurucho are related.

Cucurucho

We all know Cucurucho, also known as Osito Bimbo, also known as the QSMP Census Bureau Creature. It uses it/its pronouns, and so that is what I will be using.

Cucurucho has been hanging around since day one of the server. It does Census Bureau Things. It also flirts with Roier sometimes.

But starting at around the time the eggs showed up, Cucurucho has been a bit more distant. By that, I mean that it's been stalking people in the background of their streams, teleporting around and following them and scaring the shit out of them. It's been paying close attention to the Theory Bros, especially q!Max and q!Cellbit, though it is also Leonarda's friend. It watches q!Slime sleep sometimes, which is normal behavior for sure.

It has a good time watching people suffer. It laughs when players are in pain. Sometimes it even blows bubbles. I may be biased, but I love it.

The other night, Cucurucho showed up to get Cellbit to stop building a villager farm (which is illegal on the server.) It then proceeded to chase him down a Torture Hallway, laugh when he died, laugh when he saw his corpse and freaked out, and then they had a question and answering session.

To summarize the various q and a sessions from the past few weeks: Cucurucho doesn't know what the Binary Monsters are, and it is ambiguously part of the Federation. Its purpose seems to be to make sure people are happy. When asked who's keeping everyone on the island, it responded with 'quack', and then it mentioned a 'host' in a later interrogation. It doesn't like the eggs very much, but as long as the island's inhabitants are happy, then it doesn't mind them (the eggs.)

TLDR; Weird shit is happening on the island, but don't worry, because it's all going to be fine :)

I obviously don't know everything because I can't watch every stream and I do only speak English, but I hope this recap helps a little! :D

[ducknotinarow]

MM Raphael - All Symbol Headcanons please uwu

| Send me a symbol and I will write a headcanon about…  For multimuse blogs, please specify! *disclaimer I aint a spoiler free blog I have stated before like with Helluva Boss, this is your warning now there are spoilers in this post.*

I love this little gremlin boy so much. look at his smile pure gremlin uwu from the full trailer we got I knew I would be satisfied with this take on Raph. I can be kind of picky but that's just cause Raph was a character I always loved. I do like that Raph's anger issue was his only character trait least not like all he is about but that they did focus on the fact Raph dose just kind of like to fight in general. I like that he is sort of aware of it though and seems to try and handle it but clearly doesn't know so he turns it towards his more violent tendencies. And dose seem to try and not take it out on people around him. He has anger in him and he's trying which is why I love that he seems to turn towards sports at the end of the movie cause its not often a part of Raphael shows often give much attention to that he loves sports too. I look forward to more from this franchise with my boy ;3; I really just like that you can see for all of the boy they know who they wanna be but havent quite learned who they are.

𝓕 : My muse’s handwriting. (Is it good, bad, difficult to decipher, do they prefer writing by hand or with the help of some form of machine, e.t.c.) 

"I'm not the best with uh spellin, " One of the more stylized writing styles clearly. The boy haven't had proper education for years so I feel they learned a lot from what they saw and Raph liked the subway graffiti they would see when making their way back home and learned to make it his writing style. Raph tries to control his emotions carefully emphasis on tries here of course. Draws attention to himself as seen in a lot of fights he tends not to care much for the whole be stealthy thing when it comes to a fight. Even crowing to get said attention before jumping in. Raph has a more out going personality shown from his large lettering. The gaping in his writing shows Raph enjoys his freedom.

Tends to take being grounded from the surface not well at all and pitting the blame toward Leo. Being able to explore the surface is the only real freedom he had and he dose carry this thought into going to school. Of course the heavy pen pressure come from tension and anger he has. That he doesn't full know the best way to deal with yet. I think having Beep bop and Rock steady however will help a bit but having a friend who gets it will do him even more wonders since they are closer in age. Despite being outgoing the slant of his writing shows Raph is a bit reserved which we see when it comes to April he doesn't talk as much as the other do or did when around her compared to how he is around his brothers even around the other mutants he was a tad more reserved here and there. Or outside of fights. Im pretty positive they will likely be like Splinterson considering Splinter isn't Yoshi but I would be to surprised if they didn't find a way to make use of Hamato for this verse but i'm not changing my tag XD so still under Hamato even if he won't be using that name unless stated he will be Splinterson in MM.

✈ : My muse and  traveling. (If they do it frequently and why, if they never left their home town, e.t.c.)

"Hmm I've been in the sewers, the subway, roof tops shipping yards-" Currently Raphael has only ever been around New York, they have gone to some pretty well know locations like Central Park or Madison Square garden, or stadiums but have yet to ever be out of New York. Of course, he likes the idea of maybe seeing more now that he's able to go to the surface. But hard to say if everyone is still willing to change their tune about Mutants. Even if they have been shown as Hero's this doesn't fully mean everyone and everywhere is ready to accept them or willing.

✿ : My muse and nature. (If they are an ‘outdoorsy type’, like the sound of bird’s singing, if they have never set foot in a forest, e.t.c.) 

"Ehhh I dunno 'bout that. 'ike i'll go I guess if I gotta?"

Despite living in hiding this guy is a pretty much a city guy at heart he is so used to the loud sound of a buzzing and bustling city. But with his wild energy he might love going out to the woods.

☼ : My muse’s first memory. (Where it was, who was with them, how this memory makes them feel, e.t.c.) 

"uh dunno I kind remember stuff as a kid like havin' nightmares and going to pops." I feel Raphael dose vaguely remember the one time Splinter took him and his brothers up to the surface.They seemed young but were able to start their training not long after. Raph sometimes had nightmares about the man that chased after them and would be the one to wake everyone else up and go to Splinter to sleep with. Dad is safe after all ;3;

☙ : My muse’s favourite food. (Bonus: A memory, be it good or bad, associated with said food.)

"Dose bulk up count as a food?"

Course it's pizza, but the bulk up in the crate during their shopping time was funny to me. Of course Raph always remembers the first time Splinter got his hands on a pizza for them. It was some of the first human food they ever tried and the most beautiful thing Raph has ever seen at that time in his life.

♬ : My muse and music. (What type of music they like listening to and in what context, what music they would never listen to, e.t.c.)

"Drake! he's the g.o.a.t!" Raphael likes Rap and R&B the most when it comes to music he dose enjoy Rock and heavy metal as well of course. But his favorite artis is Drake and if he could meet a celebrity he would want it to be Drake. he watched Degrassi solely because he found out Drake acted on that show. He might have a slight crush on the dude but he hasn't really figured that out himself. He also likes DJ Khaled, and Lil Wayne but course hes got his usual go to. He dose like a bit of pop as well here and there. He also will never admit it but some of the stuff Donnie listens to is kind of okay as he would phase it.

↺ : My muse and the past. (Do they live in the past and struggle to let go of past grievances, or move on more easily, is there anything in their past they want to forget, e.t.c.) 

"Eh I sort of do maybe?"

Raphael in a way dose in that he's very aware of the situation he was once in, forever made to hide away from a word he just wants to be part of. Surrounded by the same four faces all his life. It sort of feeds into the little freedom he has and more he'll get. Raphael just wants to be able to meet more people experience things he never got to before all because he never really got to live before, not like how humans do at least. Going to school just being on the top of that list simply because it's such a normal mundane thing but something he thought he never have. That it never even occurred to him that humans themself sometimes aren't all given those same freedoms he thinks they are lucky to have.

☾ : My muse and sleep. (How much they sleep, how much they wish to sleep, if there is something that never fails to put them to sleep, e.t.c.) 

"Eh not 'ike i got much a bed time? oh guess I do now?" Raph's used to staying up late seeing as it was the only time him and his brothers were able to out and about that Splinter could agree on with at least. So Raphael is far more used to being active at night over during the day going to take a lot is adjusting to the change least during the school week. Raphael likes to be up late still often going to bed late in night school night or not. Getting to sleep can be a bit of struggle so he tries to tire himself out in all the ways they tell you not to like aimlessly using the internet thinking he'll pass out. Sometimes he dose but ends up leaving his phone playing videos because of it. So it's always low on battery.

✧ : My muse and art. (If they have an artistic side or not and why, favourite artist if they have one, e.t.c.) 

"I like the stuff I seen on the streets." I pick his writing style for a reason Raphs a fan of street art, he has watched humans in the cover of the night work on their own street art. Murals, tags and such that they come across the city always tends to catch his eye he thinks it looks cool. When he was learning to write he really wanted to sort of have a style like what he saw. Raph tends to doodle out his name and even brothers names with designs things he thinks fits each of them. Course later hell add another name with some hockey sticks and such. It's far more like graffiti he dose and sticker art. He came across some name tag stickers and will put his stuff on that to slap around the city when him and his brothers would run around for their errands in the past. Usually slapped on to the back of signs, street lights, even some bollards, or billboards. It's mostly either his name "raph" or styled stuff showing Sai.

❃ : My muse and social media. (If the muse is/would be on social media and why/why not, their general opinion on it, e.t.c.) 

"Eh I sort use it?"

Raphael lurked in the past mostly making use of video platforms. He has a bad habit of falling asleep when watching tiktok and sending the videos to his brothers accounts. Once they get into school he will use twitter and snapchat, so to be in contact with some of the friends he's made. but he mostly sticks to texting apps like discord or whatsapp. Raphael just isn't much for social media but it was kind of the only way he could be part of the human world, so he did use it to just watch stuff. Mostly used it to watch dumb videos he found funny or keep track of news of stuff he was interested in. Like following Music Artis he likes.

✉  : My muse and others. (If they social and outgoing or more introverted, and why. If they prefer communicating with others face to face or in written form, e.t.c.). 

"I finally got some human friends so 'hats cool." As I mentioned before Raphael is pretty out going in general, he's not shy or even close to being an intervert himself. But he can be a tad reserved as a person. When it came to meeting and being around April of course he doesn't shy away from talking and answering questions but he dose tend to hang back a tad. When they met superflys crew Raph sort of did the same once the idea of afight was dropped with this reveal. We do see him pretty ecstatic around Beep bop and Rocksteady however but he still seems the most comfortable around his brothers even when at the Dance he's a bit more playful with them. But we can see him being open around the kids hes befriending. He's a friendly person and likely willing to talk to anyone but it takes him a moment to warm up and be more okay with all his sides being shown.

Raph still wants very much to meet someone who just understands him in a way most don't. Raphael knows he has a lot of anger issue to work through and he tries to handle that best he can but it has made him pretty interested in things that come off more violent like things. Sport, horror movies, fighting in general. Raph isn't a bad person or even trying to be intimating well outside a fight of course, but his interest likely will sort of give him a rep in school as a tough kid, scary dog privilege basically. Look big and mean but when you know Raph? once again scary dog privilege hes loyal and pretty loving very outwardly at that.

Why meeting Casey is such a thing. Casey and Raph hold a bit of rivalry since Raph going into school he wants to just try out for every sport the school has to offer. Of course, this meant the hockey team as well. Raph liked the more contact sports like football over soccer so he tried for the team along with another kid. They were both good but the coah wasn't sure who to pick. Raph wasn't fully set on it but this stupid kid picking a fight with him made him a tad petty so they wound up getting into a fight. To which even after going home with a black eye he told Splinter in a very excited manner he had made a friend. Sure Raph has some like friends least kids he could get along with but I feel thats more outta of convince. Casey is the first person he kind of opens up around to with stuff he hasn't with his brothers even. That got long TDLR: Raph can be reversed and def has the aura of a scary dog like a pit bull so people can be a tad turned off from getting too close to him and his over ethuism for certain things. He got some humans hes friendly with who gotten past that but he can be a tad reserved deepening how comfortable he gets with someone else. And much like many dogs like Pits? Hes actually very friendly, and welcoming.

▶ : My muse and level of education. (If the muse has some form of education, what education they perhaps wish they had, e.t.c.). 

"I only now going to school so?"

Anything Raph dose know was taught by splinter or something he abosrd growing up. I don't see him being the best student when it comes to school either. He dose great in subjects like Gym and even art a bit. (I like to think he'll take some art classes) but as for the rest? he'll have some struggles mostly Math and Science courses.

◐ : My muse and animals. (If they like animals and treat them well, do not care for them at all, e.t.c.). 

" uh 'm a turtle?" I think Raph likes animals I feel i've said this with nearly all them so far? i really just think Raph is a cat person. But I feel MM also is pretty big on dogs as well. Which is why I keep saying hes got scary dog privilege haha. Dogs sort of match his energy but cats are nice and calming. I feel he treats them pretty nicely gently and with care knows ya gotta let an animal come to you sort. And when one dose? hes the happiest turtle in the world at that moment uwu

❒ : My muse and gifts. (If they are good/bad at finding gifts, good/bad at receiving gifts, good/bad at wrapping gifts, e.t.c.) 

"ehh I try?"

I think Raph has found things for his brother like if he spots something they might like or related to it? he'll snag it when on their runs.

☘ : My muse’s relation with their family. (If they speak with each other and how much, if they are close or estranged, e.t.c.). 

"I Love them I do jus'..ya know I wanna know others too? nothin' wrong with it?"

Raphael is very much a teen in that part of his life where he's trying to have his own life. Sometimes he can get carried away with it even no that it's something he can have, rather spending time with a friend over his brothers. It's nothing against them at all more him not quite learning that balance yet. But of course his brothers will always be his top priority when it comes down to it. His brothers mean a lot to him and they were his first friends as well. Nothing can ever get between him and them he will feel bad if any of them feel as if that is the case of course.

Raph very much tries to play cool around his brothers pretending he doesn't care but you can see how thats just an act. That he is playing to around his brothers. Sometimes he lets it slip like mentioning he would like to go to school never fully saying why though. Raph is very close to them all though openly joking around with them just being a full dork and getting up into to trouble like messing with Leo's sword and throwing ninja stars around. Despite him sometimes being annoyed with hoe Leo acts and can be you can also see how excited he gets when leo wants to join in on something for once. He gotta be close enough with leo to not be too upset hes playing with his sword. Even leo sort of joins in a bit when they are playing around on the roof. Raph seems to be able to get his brother into messing around.

Like Mikey dose when he tends to start most the jokes they get into even. Raph's clearly older brother side kicks in around them letting Mikey climb on top of him and such. And Raph being quick to jump in to try and help him and Donnie out when they need it that is. Doesn't baby either of them but is for sure there and ready to get in the mix of the danger.

With Donnie his twin uwu never letting this go when I can apply it. He dose pick on them a tad for being a weeb but it is outta of love, luckily anime is more main stream so I doubt Don will have to worry about being picked on for it but if he was? Raph would stand up for them in his own way "Hey he might be a a major dweed for likin' it and he is a major dweeb for likin' it but least he got better thing todo then pick on someone for it" type of sticking up.

He dose try and show some care into what his brothers like but it's cause he really just needs that himself in his life.

He loves Splinter and respects them he dosen't like be grounded but he'll stick to it and not break it even if he grumbles over it. Raph in part dose understand Splinter just looking out for him and his brothers. Sometimes that means he gets grounded or scolded but he dosen't always take it personally more that Splinter dosen't understand to which yeah some bits Splinter dosen't understand. But Raph still dosen't fault them to much for it. Hes still not ready to have a mom though and a tad grossed out on Splinters relationship but it makes him happy so? As for the rest of his family he is getting used to the suddenly abundance he has. He liked having more family around and is closest to Beepbop and Rocksteady, his sort like uncles he can be found with them the most when it comes to the extended part of his family. They sort of get the anger thing and often offer some advice when he's feeling just a tad ganged up on. I like to think they encourage him on his friendship with Casey since they are such an inseparable pair themselves.

[puppet2611]

//from 4.24.23

daniel said to write more in here and im in a5 brainrot hell so

THIS PART OF A5 WAS ACTUALLY TAKEN FROM AN EARILER CONCEPT OF LF...

ok so its nothing too specific or special - just that the characters zodiacs have a special part in their stories ig 💥💥

well it only rlly applies to micheal and adam ngl

micheals a goat and adams a monkey 💥💥 (im talking abt chinese/birth year zodiacs)

this doesnt go into anything too deep, goat just means sacrifice and monkey is just a reference to a monkeys paw

micheal is really the only thing the family ever had to sacrifice and it fits in with him being catholic soo why not!! adams just a horrible bad luck attractor btw. ollies luck is sm better when hes not around

oh yeah abt oliver i decided hes gonna either b transfem or bigender 👍👍 he/she prns r fine & he goes by oliver, ollie or oliver :]

might as well continue and finish it idk

olivers also bi-romantic & asexual :3

adam and micheal r both cissies/lhj... adams deadass just gay and micheal is panromantic asexual ^_^ only reason adams not ace is for my sillu dilly rps with mfs on chai/hj

I WISH I HAD SONGS TO ASSIGN THEM BUT I RLLY DINT HAVE ANYTHING RN... i guess olivias sweet tooth by cavetown but thats like it lmfao

THIS IS SO WRONG NOW... NEW MICHEAL CONCEPT (replying to micheals old concept design)

2nd img is after death/ in the afterlife !! dont mind the text

SHITPOST ART OF HIM FROM A MAGMA WITH BUGZ BTW 😭😭 its too goofy not to show

stupid gay/j

OH YEAH I HAVE TO ADD CONTEXT TO THIS BUT UHMM I WAS RPING AS ADAM WITH A RANDOM CHARACTER FROM A FANDOM IM IN AND THEY GOT TOO FRUITY. THIS POPPED IN MY MIND WHILE I WAS OUT SHOPPING W/ MY DAD 😦 the canon charaer on first img. im cringe and a oc x canon shipper

this was set after micheals death kind of in a au where adam doesnt get depression and fixates on him for years on end 💀 but anyways itd kinda be funny if it wasnt // if they had an open relationship but when micheal finds out hes just like. "you fucked the mf bishop of the basilica?? how am i gonna show up to church each week w/o him staring at me funny now." 😭😭

anyways that eas just a random thought

i was thinking that red would be yhe overall main color for the story :3c adam already wears red usually, red is practically going to be micheals main color in art concepts i have and oliver just looks good in it lol

oh i forgot to mention earlier

i havent done the math for what year oliver wouldve been born in but im thinking his zodiac would be a dog.. theres nothing big behind it either, its just that hes kinda lost w/o adam or micheal and would probably run back to them no matter what - slight reference to the song like a dog ^^ - but its also kinda based on the fact habit said he gave off doberman vibes lol

unless yall rlly wanna judge them based off their birth month zodiacs i dont think ill give them actual birthdays 💀 but micheals birthday is april 5, just because its kind of a main part to yhe story.. (ihy server stfu abt zodiacs for one second challenge fr. i got called slurs bcz im a leo)

mentioning this again!!

i have basic ideas on how to draw scenes attached to the lyrics now :)

"see how his feet miss the ground" - plain red background against two feet just kinda dangling from the top. the lyrics are right below the shadow

"and he falls inside a hole he dug for me" - i really didnt know what to for this even after hours of thinking since micheal never planned to kill adam or anything alike so i just opted to have adam standing there in shock again, against a plain red background. theres might be a little of that on his hands too :]

"the kind of irony youd read in bible stories" - shillouette of micheal sitting up jn his grave. the backgrounds still red. hes holding a white book with yellow text on it ^_^ you might be able to infer what the book is from the lyrics imo (replying to another msg. too long to include )

i might make a bunch more oc x canon (8:11) interactions soon too :33 or crossover stuff

like ryker meeting both emilio and oliver (mc meeting lol) or emilio meeting micheal since micheal wanted to be a priest but last minute settled for being a jeweler 😞

i deadass kinda want micheal to meet my friends oc felix but i have not the slightest idea how that would work

ooo micheal and aster meeting would be cool too ( old jewelery making mfs/silly )

Anyways that's all I've got for now!! i might come back jn a bit or some other time ^^

[officehrs]

tc update 5/3/22 - help?

this is a general update around my tc but a tc interaction update may be coming soon, so any of u could wait for that one!!

but, to be brief, i will say i went over a week without talking to or seeing r. and right now r and i actively avoid eye contact, or acknowledging each other's existence generally ...

monday, yesterday 5/2/22, he returned, and we havent spoken at all since. he hasnt looked at me, even, and i look down during class. he stands over me though, and talks to people right next to me, and sometimes he says things to the class that sound like they have my confession in mind. he confuses me, and its really bothersome. but i wont speak or acknowledge him until he does!

r was gone all of last week because he got sick, and let me say, that was a relief. i was able to go to his class without that horrible feeling of anxiety for at least 30 minutes beforehand .. i talked to his students that week, and theyre warming up to me a little, after almost 6 months of being around them.

because we havent talked about my confession at all, ive felt really uneasy. its hard for me to focus, and i cant believe this school year is almost over. all of april disappeared in front of me, because i felt so horrible the whole time i wasnt really living.

i have been trying to figure out whether i hate him or not, and the origin of all that i feel — so much sadness, so much resentment. and im trying to be fair to him, because he has been through some hell too. he is tired and so am i. but i cant believe that i used to love him, and thats what i think about all the time.

it hurts me a lot, and i feel that i shouldnt talk to him anymore, and i shouldnt be around him at all either, because it makes me feel much better. but at the same time, i fear not knowing him anymore, because some part of me still cares about him, or the part of me that did care about him. he represents my old happiness, but he doesnt serve that purpose anymore. what should i do?

[crafty-business4130]

so to expand upon this lets go in some ideas on what helscraft is like

i like to think that helscraft is a weird glitched copy of the overworld and the nether mixed together. for the cannon of my hermit duplicate’s AU (of which i will be referring to within this post) the dimension of helscraft isnt really a full dimension that always appears in every world like the end and nether. it only spawns into a world after a year or so of players putting all of their love and care into the world. the world builds up enough of all that good energy and then causes a opposite opposing Force to form. thus helscraft spawns into existence. in a way you could say the whole dimension of helscraft is a duplicate as well.

now one thing that kinda throws a a wrench in the works of this idea is that every year or so the hermits move into a new world, though since its normally has been roughly the same amount of players in each season we can go with the hermitcraft dimension of hels is carried over with each world jump. the world of hels change to match the new overworld but its still the same helshermits. though for the hermits that leave the server their hels counterpart disappears.  this may also work in reverse as well. only have one example so far so who know :) cOUGHCOughNHOcOUGh

with the the hows and whys on helscraft existence out-of-the-way let's get into some worldbuilding!

as ive already mentioned, helscraft is somewhat of a glitchy mix of the overworld and nether. what i havent mentioned is that a good bit of the April Fools updates and removed features for the overworld ended up floating over to helscraft but unlike the overworld in which these features disappear pretty quickly they ended up sticking around in helscraft, for better or worst. 

heres a list of examples of this, of which i then expanded upon them to make them more fleshed-out. 

the list got really long so the rest of the post is under the cut! :D

Pig and cow sized horses, if fed too much will cause the animal to grow dangerous mutations that can not only kill the animal but make its remains toxic and unedible. You can make a green book via using toxic leather (the crafting book)

A common spell is to summon flame that then can be used for new crafting recipes. one such recipe is flaming barrels, if someone walks too close it will explode, another is chainmail armor

if you put too much fuel into a furnace it will explode.

torches burn out an hour or two after being lit

chickens are deadly, do not provoke them. it is extremely rare but the is a very small chance spawn in a blue chicken. only able to spawn via throwing eggs. it drops lapis and diamonds instead of eggs. beware tho, all chickens in the immediate vicinity will protect the blue one with their lives and will attack anything that gets too close.

eating or feeding an animal a god apple will cause it to float upwards for five minutes before slowly descending back to the ground. 

Wheat if not chopped after fully grown will go bad and die, same thing with other crops. though you can make Iron infused melon and pumpkins, it insures that the stem won't die over time after its first produce

Powered Redstone causes redstone bugs to spawn, it can be stopped by combining lapis and redstone dust together to make bluestone dust. asifhfsssdhv only a noob uses redstone.

Redstone wire, another alternative of redstone made with redstone dust surrounded by cobwebs. it insulates the redstone and stops bugs from spawning. pretty much the same thing function wise but is a pretty cool thing to use to flex on others

Villagers are instead piglins, not the tanned ones added into the nether update but rather pink skinned ones.

Glowing obsidian, a glowing red version of obsidian. Only found in trades with piglins

In helscraft there are lava oceans instead of water, water can only be found deep underground. Lava instead of water is infinite, water is no longer infinite. 

The world of hels first looked like the indev world theme of hell, with following updates to the overworld helscraft changed and evolved as well. There is no sun nor moon, just a forever floating layer of lava that acts to light up the dimension. 

Frostwalker is instead, Magmawalker, turning lava into magma blocks shortly before melting back into lava

Boss fights arent the same in helscraft as in the normal overworld and its closely neighboring tied in dimensions of the end and nether. Not found in helscraft are Guardians, the ender dragon, and technically the Wither as well. Instead you can find Giants, the red dragon, the four horse men(much more difficult to defeat)

Giants unlike the ai less ones you can spawn using commands are living and breathing monsters that roam the land. During their travels any ghasts they cross will join them on their wandering

Ghasts can be somewhat tamed in helscraft. If you can successfully capture a baby ghast from its parents and raise it yourself the ghast will be malleable enough, somewhat like foxes but just a bit more wild. If you happen to accidentally harm them it will turn on you and fight you to the death, be it your’s or theirs.

It's a very very rare find but huge brick pyramids can spawn into the world. in season 7 helscraft’s cubfan took up residence within one that spawned in Incredibly Close to spawn

There are alot of different nonsensical potions that can be brewed for interesting drinks. some have a use, most dont tho. all of em have amazingly different tastes and smells

instead of honeycomb there is crystallized honey, it functions as pretty much the exact same thing. has its block too, call the wax block.

Killer bunnies spawn in more often than normal bunnies

Og stonecutter, can cut blocks into half. Not only used for stone. can cut doors, beds, and much more into halfs

Nether reactor core, could be the key on how to jump between the hermitcraft and helscraft. will need to think on this idea some more though

Petrified Forest, a biome within helscraft that has wood as hard as stone and a texture reminiscent of a mix of acacia and crimson planks color wise.

unsure as of yet on what to call it but the volcanic biome the Rempirer had Rendog make is a biome within helscraft as well!(the Rempirer is ren’s helscraft counterpart... he wasnt always evil as he is now) 

the mobs that lost the vote found their way into helscraft, not just the moobloom all of them. the three mystery mobs from the 2017 and the ice illager. (i voted for the glow squid and while i do still stand by my decision it is truely a shame we might not see any of them all in the game ever )

Studded armor and plate armor, alternatives to leather and chainmail. studded armor is made with leather and stone and plate armor is made with smooth stone slabs

stained glass looks a bit like this

and colored wool like this!

and thats everything for now. ill probly be working out some more ideas since theres a surprisingly large amount of features that have been added to minecraft either hidden away in the background or removed.

 also if anyone wants a some links to where i found these old and mostly forgotten facts ill post em in the notes when i get the time to do so. theres a lot of them tho so i might forget a few

hey also if you like these you might also like my Discord! i made it for this au and i tend to share my ideas a bit more over there than over here. theres a lot to see :DD

[popculturebuffet]

House of Mouse: The Stolen Cartoons Review (Patreon Review)

Hello all you happy people! It’s Patreon Review Time. Since my 5 dollar or higherr patreons get 1 review a month, Kevin my 10 dollar patreon is using one of his to celebrate the 20th anniversary of House of Mouse by having me review a random episode a month. And for this month we’re going all the way back to the start with The Stolen Cartoons!

I already introed house of mouse back when I reviewed “The Three Cablleros” episode but for a refresher: House of Mouse is a 2001 cartoon about Mickey and Co running a club. Mickey is host, Minnie plans the show and runs the books, Donald tends to the VIP”s and co owns the club with Mickey, Goofy is head waiter,  Daisy runs guest services, Horace is technical support, Clarabelle is a gossip monger with no clear actual job, and Max is Valet. The show was used to repackage shorts from the short lived show Mickey mouseworks, using the club setting as a wraparound and said club was attentend by all the various characters from the disney canon. It’s as awesome as it sounds. 

The voice cast, which I didn’t intro thorughly last time, was equally awesome with all the actors for the characters at the time, all legends in the industry. Wayne Allwine as Mickey,who played the character from the late 70′s to his death, Russi Taylor as Minnie and the Triplets, who did the same and was also married to wayne, Tony Anselmo, who should be thorughly familiar to readers of this blog and donald duck fans as his voice since Ducktales, Voice Actress Tress Macneile as Daisy, likewise,  Jason Marsden as Max and Voice Acting Legend Jim Cummings as Pete. All except Allweine i’ve profieled before on this blog in various other series, but Wayne, outisde of a very minor role in black cauldron, only voiced Mickey, and to me is the defntiive voice for the guy, though Chris is getting close. 

The other notable members of the cast i havent’ covered are April Winchell, who while tremendous, I will save for an episode Clarabelle is actually in more, and Bill Farmer. I have a great amount of Love for Bill and like everyone here, he was a vertran of the industry by the time he showed up in this series. His defining roll far and away is goofy, who was, to my delighted surprise his FIRST voice audition, having studided PInto Colving’s voice well to the point you can barely tell the difference between the two, and having inherited the roll around the same time as Russi and Tony. He’s the voice of Goofy I and most kids from the 80′s onward have grown up with and is the best at the roll by far, having chances for depth and nuance Pinto wasn’t allowed with the Goofy Movies and other works. IN general he’s just THE goofy to me. He’s also the voice of horace and pluto, and currently voices Hop Pop in Amphibia which is super noteworthy as looking at his filmography like a lot of the sensational 6′s va’s he’s only voiced goofy or Pluto for most of his career. But hey like Tony, if you only do one charcter might as well be the fucking best at it. He also has a show on Disney Plus with him and dogs I need to watch yesterday. 

So with our cast out of the way, and not much history to go into, join me after the cut and we’ll see how House of Mouse got it’s start and if it was a good one. 

Breaking from my usual format for House of Mouse and doing the shorts as they come up int he main story for two reasons: The first is that the shorts are integral to the plot and the second is that there’s way more main story this time around than usual, likely to properly set things up. 

So we open at the House of Mouse with Mickey Adressing the club and showing off the general premise of this being a club for all of the various heroes and villains of disney to hang out and what not. He also presents the house rules which are no smoking (Fair and should’ve always been a thing), no villianous schemes and no eating the other guests, all helpfully demonstrated as he says them. We also get to see the others in action: Minnie handling the schedule and the crew, Donald welcoming the guests, and Daisy running the desk and getitng brainwashed by Jafar into giving him a table. Max also is providing his job as Valet which surprised me because I genuinely thought he didn’t join the cast till season 2.. despite the fact he’s right there in the credits.. which are the same for ALL THREE SEASONS. 

So things are going well.. so naturally that’s when Pete shows up to try and ruin things. Look he’s having a hard time after the divorce.. several years ago. Okay maybe he’s always just been a dick and that’s why he’s divorced in the first place. Point is he naturally wants to shut the club down, boot them out, and wreck up the place like any natural cartoon villian or real estate scum bag landlord. Pete just happens to be both because he can multitask. .and because it’s basically the same thing you just have to be animated for one of them.  Thankfully whoever the previous Landlord was, i’m going with Shere Kahn given the setting, his roll in tailspin and the fact the obvious candidate, scrooge, would make no sense here given a later episode where he guest stars, wrote into the contract that as long as the show goes on, they can stay in business. Pete stews over this and naturally plans to stop the show while Minnie, in a cute bit, comforts a nervous mickey and just tells him to play some cartoons. So...

Pluto Gets the Paper: Wet Cement and Donald’s Dynamite: Magic Act I”m covering both of these at once. But as I said the animated shorts this time are one big sized one and two of the shorter ones to make more room for the story. Which is fair: this is the first episode, and thus needs to set up the premise. The series isn’t story driven but your first episode should still feel like one, ease you into the world and get you situated and THEN can do the normal format. It’s also in the episode’s favor as the heavier story focus meant a BETTER story than most season 1 episodes, on par with the two season 3 episodes i’ve covered so far. 

The shorts themselves are fine. So far this is the only Pluto Short i’ve liked as it has a neat enough gaga: Pluto has to get the paper in wet cement. Why did the paperboy throw it in wet cement instead of in the driveway, I dunno but given this short is well.. short and just meant to deliver on some quick gags, I’m not going to question it. It’s the first Pluto short i’ve covered without any dog sexual harassment, i’m not looking a gift dog in the mouth. 

The other short short played right after is part of a series where Donald ends up trying to get rid of a round bomb that shows up wherever he is....

It’s pretty damn funny, though being a huge Donald fan i’m obviously biased, but even removing my donald duck brand sunglasses, I will concede this was objectively fun.

But the cartoons stop as, true to the title, they’ve gone missing! Horace is found tied up, the cartoons are gone and Pete is obviously responsible. and hilariously so as the rope has his name on it and he says “I don’t know horace horsecollar” There are a LOT of good gags in this one, i’m leaving a lot out for time’s sake. 

So Mickey and Minnie come up with a plan: Mickey sends the.. Quackstreet Boys.... to stall. Now it may shock you but I actually LIKE the backstreet boys. Not to an extreme amount but I did grow up with them, and even now find their music pretty damn good. No my issue is this parody is weak, mostly running entirely on the title pun. The most I can give them credit for is using the outfits from their second album cover. No I wasn’t kidding I did grow up with them. You saw that everywhere so even if I didn’t enjoy their music then and now, i’d know it. But it just feels really weak, like they had no idea what to DO with the boys and instead just slapped them in a lame parody. It dosen’t help i’m not a fan of the classic version of the boys outside of the comics, as I feel later productions should’ve had them actually be distinct, and it took until 2017 to pull that off with the reboot, something I fear may be undone in future productions. Please.. don’t.. you can have Cristina Vee voice them all, I don’t care about the voice I just want to be able to tell them a apart. So yeah I don’t like it but it dosen’t drag the episode down. Just something I wanted to have a moan about. 

So they split up: Mickey, Minnie and Goofy go to shoot a cartoon while Donald runs the club. Naturally he rebrands.. but what really is telling is everyone boos him when he tries to mc.. just for not being Mickey. While Donald does have a massive inferiority complex here, desperately wanting to one up mickey.. with moments like this it’s hard not to see why> He’s JUST as big a star, just as talented , maybe not as nice but just as likeable. He even co-owns the club. But ironically only Mickey Himself, and Daisy of Course, treat him like an equal. To everyone else it’s Mickey’s world and he’s just the sidekick. It’s no wonder he spend sthe entire show desperately trying to outdo mickey: he doesn’t hate the guy, even if he wouldn’t admit it.. but he just wants to be loved too. Sure it’s part ego.

Mickey does return though with the new cartoon. And our only sizeable one so. 

Hickory Dickory Mickey: This is a REALLY good one with a simple enough premise; Goofy wants Mickey to take him to the airport at 6am tomorrow.. which Mickey balks at. 

Seriously i’ve woken up at 3-4am to go to the airport or on road trips. Waking up at 5:30 is pretty standard. Goofy also has good reason to ask as he once BROKE MICKEY OUT OF JAIL. And as seen up top the flashback is done in black and white AND with their old models. I just.. love everything about this and it had to have taken extra effort to make new models for the old models and thus extra money for a quick joke. So kudos best part of the episode. But with his hands tied Mickey is forced to take him and Goofy leaves him his clock which won’t stop ticking. So we get just.. nonstop good gags as Mickey tries to sleep with standouts being his trying to drown it out only to get the tick station, the tock station on the radio and the clock channel on the tv. He also tries to mail it and naturally it comes back thanks to a kangaroo when he ships it to Australia..a nd then get’s progressively batshit as he mails it to HADES (comes back in a puff of smoke) and to the 1920′s (It comes back in black and white with arms and legs). It’s just.. really damn good and I suggest seeking it out. I have liked other shorts better but this was a good one. 

Pete still gloats as they’ll need more cartoons.. only for one to fall out of his jacket and Mickey to shake the rest out. We then get a fun chase between the two, SO many good jokes, my favorite being him dressing up as a dalmation only for Cruella to take measurements, before being cornered by the three and the elephant from tarzan who throws him out.. right next to pepper-ann and her mom “Don’t touch the villian dear”. Good crossover.. and another show that like House of Mouse is not on disney plus don’t ask me why. 

So our heroes win, we get our usual sponsorship and unusually we see the guests leave, a nice bit I wish they did more. All’s well that ends well. 

Final Thoughts: This episode was fantastic. It introduces the cast well, sets up our villian, our basic premise and while only having one major cartoon, uses that as a plot point and it’s a damn good one. A fantastic start to the series and frankly the best place to start if your curious about the show. I’d like to thank Kev for sponsoring this review. If you’d like your own review you can look at comissoin details on my blog or get one guaranteed every month by becoming a 5 dollar patreon. You get one guaranteed review a month, acess to my discord server for my patreons, and to pick a short when I do birthday specials. And contributing to my patreon gets me closer to my stretch goals, even one dollar helps. Next goal not only gets reviews of the super ducktales mini series, but also a darkwing duck episode EVERY MONTH. And with the plug done, i’ll see you at the next rainbow. 

[abrakophile]

I was looking through a bunch of junk and found some letters from my dad when he was in the army. I’m afraid I'll accidently toss them, so maybe I’ll put them here?

OPs Name JUNE 02 03

I LOVE YOU

THIS IS MY NAME IN KURDISH

*my dad wrote his first and last name, and under it, in Kurdish*

ILL TRY AND FIND OUT HOW TO WRITE YOUR NAME AND MOMS TOO.

ITS STILL HOT. I WORK AND READ BOOKS TO PASS THE TIME AWAY.

HOW ARE YOU DOING? GOOD I HOPE. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN? DO YOU EVER HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS? TELL THEM I SAID “WASSUP?” NAH, DONT TELL THEM. TELL ME WHAT YOUR THINKING. I’M TRYING TO SEND YOU SOME MORE OF MY DRAWINGS. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DRAW YOU? DID YOU LIKE THE DRAWING I SENT YOU OF YOU NAME? ITS ALRIGHT IF YOU DIDNY. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU DO WANT ME TO DRAW YOU.

(Flip Page)

THIS IS WEIRD! (The page does not have lines on the left side of it) i WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS PIECE OF PAPER. HaHa

I MISS YOU ALOT. PLEASE SOND ME SOME MORE OF YOUR DRAWINGS, YOU CAN DRAW ME ANYTHING YOU WANT TO.

ARE YOU BEING GOOD FOR YOUR MOM? ITS NICE IF YOU HELP HER OUT WHILE I’M AWAY.

HAVE YOU BEEN ANYPLACE NEW? HOW IS SCHOOL GOING FOR YOU? IS MOMMY GOING TO SCHOOL? I KNOW I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL WHEN I GET BACK. HOPEFULLY I GET THE CHANCE TO LEARN EVERYTHING THAT THERE IS TO KNOW. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

ALSO, ID LIKE TO DO SOME FISHING? HOW ABOUT YOU? I GUESS ILL END HERE. BE GOOD AND STAY IN SCHOOL. AND JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS.

THEYRE BAD.

I LIVE YOU OP

*hearts and x’s* DADDY

---

(I don’t know if all these pages are in order or if it’s missing any, but this was the letter in the same stack as the last but this one was for my mom. In some places his indents indicate passage of time.)

I HAVENT HAD ANY TIME TO WRITE SINCE WEVE BEEN ON THE ROAD, NOT TO MENTION THAT WE CAN’T SEND MAIL WHEN WE’RE MOVING ALL THE TIME.

WEVE BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR ABOUT FIVE OR SIX DAYS, I HAVENT REALLY BEEN COUNTING. I KNOW I TOLD YOU THAT WE’D BE IN KUWAIT FOR A WHILE, BUT THAT WAS SO YOU WOULDNT BE WORRIED. I’M GOING TO KEEP THIS LETTER THOUGH, TILL I GET HOME.

ABOUT TWO NIGHTS AGO, WE DROVE THROUGH BAGDHAD, SOMEBODY SAID THAT THERE WERE PILED BODIES, I DONT KNOW IF IT WAS TRUE.

AND I GUESS YESTERDAY, A COUPLE OF PEOPLE SAID THEY SAW A MISSILE OR SOEMTHING SHOT AT US. I WAS TRYING TO FIX A TRUCK SO I DIDNT SEE IT.

ITS NOT AS DUSTY HERE IN IRAQ. IT REMINDS ME OF THE CONVOYS IN KOREA.

MOST OF THE PEOPLE WILL WAVE “HI”. SOME OTHERS DONT.

I SAW A KID OPEN HIS HAND ONCE WHILE MOVING, AND IT SAID “BUSH” THAT WAS KIND OF COOL.

OH YEAH. HERES A STORY. WHILE OUT DOING A MISSION, ONE OF OUR “BRADLEY” TANKS FIRED ON AN ENEMY AMMO TRUCK AND CLIPPED A KID. THE ROUNDS BLEW ONE OF HIS LEGS OFF AND SOME OF THE OTHER, FROM THE KNEE DOWN. SO THE MEDICS PICKED HIM UP AND BROUGHT HIM TO OUR RECONCOLIDATING POINT FOR MEDICAL TREATMENT. I GUESS HE EVENTUALLY DIED FROM LOSS OF BLOOD THE NEXT NIGHT AND YESTERDAY THEY TOOK HIM OUT AND BURIED HIM.

ALSO WE PICKED UP ABOUT 25-30 P.O.W.s AND SENT THEM SOUTH.

IT GETS PRETTY COLD AT NIGHT. AND THE DAY’S ARE VERY HOT.

SINCE WE LEFT KUWAIT ITS BEEN ME AND MENDOZA IN THE FIVE TON WRECKER AND I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT ITS BEEN EXCITING. WE KEPT GETTING SEPERATED FROM THE CONVOY AND BREAKING DOWN. BUT I THINK THAT WERE BETTER NOW. HOPEFULLY.

IM STILL WAITING TO BE AMBUSHED TO MAKE ALL THIS SEEM REAL TO ME. A PART OF ME WANTS IT AND ANOTHER DOESNT.

AND IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY OUR UNIT HAS TO STAY IN UNIFORM, EVERYONE ELSE WEARS T-SHIRTS AND BANDENA’S AND RAGS ON THEIR HEAD

WERE STILL GOING NORTH. NOBODY KNOWS HOW LONG WE’LL STAY. ITS NOT THAT BAD HERE. MEANING, IT COULD BE WORSE. 

I USED A “SHIT-CHAIR”. ITS JUST A METAL CHAIR WITH A HOLE CUT IN THE MIDDLE AND THE SEAT FROM A TOILET BOLTED TO IT, GROSS.

HELICOPTERS CAN BE HEARD ALL DAY AND NIGHT. I GOT TO SEE THEM DROP BOMBS ALL DAY ABOUT 3 DAYS AGO, FROM A DISTANCE OF COURSE.

ILL BE DRIVING AGAIN, IN A MINUTE. PROBABLY RE-FUEL AND BACK ON THE ROAD AGAIN. IM ENJOYING IT.

I HAVE 8 MAGAZINES FULL OF ROUNDS. NO GRENADES, BUT I LIKE IT LIKE THAT.

SOMETIMES IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT.

I GUESS ILL END IT HERE FOR NOW

I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU TWO TWICE IF NOT THRICE AS MUCH AS YOU MIGHT MISS ME TOO.

HELLO AGAIN. WERE SOMEWHERE NEAR TIKRI + MOSUL. YESTERDAY, ME + MENDOZA WENT LOOKING FOR MOMENTO’S. WE BROKE A LOCK TO A NEAR BY BUNKER AND FOUND 6 A.K.47s! BUT ON OUR WAY BACK TO TURN THEM IN, MAJOR TATU GOT THEM FROM US. I WAS SO PISSED. BUT I GOT A GAS MASK w/ FILTER, A FULL MAGAZINE CLIP FROM ONE OF THE A.K.s AND A BERET WITH IRAQ 1 RANK ON IT.

I MADE A STENCIL FOR THE TRUCK WERE RIDING IN. ITS CALLED THE “GAMBLER.” YESTERDAY MENDOZA DROVE, SO TODAY ILL BE DRIVING.

IM NOT POSITIVE, BUT, I THINK WERE GOING TO TURKEY. NIETO SAYS THAT HE OVERHEARD SOMEBODY FROM S1 (or SI, I’m not sure) SAYING WE MIGHT GET PAID EXTRA FOR GOING THROUGH BAGHDAD.

I THINK NIETO’S MAD AT ME. CANT EXPLAIN WHY. MAYBE ITS BECAUSE IM RIDING WITH MENDOZA AND HE DOESNT LIKE MENDOZA TOO MUCH. OH WELL, WHATEVER REASON, HOPE THINGS GET NORMAL AGAIN. HAVE TO GO,

*hearts and xs*

TODAY IS THE 25th OF APRIL, I RECEIVED FIVE OR SIX (OR SEVEN) LETTERS YESTERDAY. THE LATEST WAS DATED 07 OF APRIL. THAT TELLS ME THAT ITS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE TO COMMUNICATE.

WE HAVENT RECEIVED MAIL BECAUSE WEVE BEEN MOVING NEVER STAYING IN ONE PLACE MORE THAN A DAY, OR TWO, UNTIL NOW. WE’VE BEEN IN THIS SPOT GOING ON FOUR DAYS TOMORROW?!

GIVE ME A MINUTE...

FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS IVE BEEN HELPING MENDOZA PULL THE ENGINE OUT OF A 5 TON TRUCK AND SWITCH IT w/ ANOTHER ONE. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASY BUT THE FLY WHEEL SEIZED UP INSIDE THE BELL HOUSING. ITS FINISHED NOW AND THE RUMOR IS WE’RE LEAVING  (OR MOVING) AGAIN TOMORROW.

ITS 10:33 THURSDAY MORNING. YOUR TIME IS 12:32 JUST TURNING THURSDAY.

I ALMOST CRYED WHEN I SAW ELIS PICTURE. I REALLY MISS BOTH OF YOU. LET ME BACK TO BEFORE I GOT DISTRACTED. I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO SEND MAIL BECAUSE WE’VE BEEN MOVING. BUT I GUESS THAT WHATEVER THREAT THERE WAS (IF ANY), ISNT SO THREATFUL ANYMORE, WE CAN START RECEIVING AND SENDING MAIL. NO PHONE TO CALL FROM, AND NO INTERNET TO E-MAIL FROM.

THE WHOLE UNIT IS SCATTERED, SO EVEN IF I GET WHAT YOU NEED IT’LL TAKE FOREVER TO GET IT TO YOU. LET ME PULL THOSE LETTERS BACK OUT. OH WAIT. I DID LAUNDRY AND SOME UNDERWEAR THATS DRY, FELT HARD, OH WELL, WAIT A SECOND, K

I HAD TO FOLD SOME T-SHIRTS. ALL MY SOCKS ARE STILL DAMP. 

YOU CAN USE MY CONTRACT TO SHOW THAT I ENLISTED IN TEXAS AND HOWS THIS

*On a separate sheet my dad wrote a detailed note for my mom to give to someone to confirm that he did want to buy a house. He writes “I AM ALIVE AND WELL.” and “PLEASE ACCEPT THIS PAPER”, then he signed it with his scribble signature, and underneath it wrote his name in print and added “1st SQUADRON 10th CAVALRY HEADQUARTERS TROOP (I have no clue what this means)*

HOW’S THAT? HOPE I SPELLED EVERYTHING CORRECTLY. IM ALMOST READY WITH A DESIGN TO COVER THE OTHER TATTOOS ON MY LEFT FOREARM.

I JUST FINISHED LOOKING OVER ALL THOSE LETTERS YOU SENT FOR ME

IM BACK! I GOT SLEEPY SO I TRYED TO LAY DOWN FOR A LITTLE BIT. NO SLEEP. I DONT THINK. I DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH WATER TO WASH MY DCV’S AND A PAIR OF BDV’S. BESIDES FOR DRINKING WATER, BUT WE HAVE TO CONSERVE IT.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE RUMORS. TOMORROW WE’LL BE LEAVING FOR THE IRAN/IRAQ BORDER TO DO “PEACE KEEPING” FOR 3 TO 6 mths. OTHERS SAY THAT THE 4ID (i think is what this says) GENERAL WANTS TO KEEP US HERE TILL NOV., THATS WHEN 1 CAV WILL COME TO REPLACE US. WHILE OTHERS SAY WE MIGHT LEAVE BY JUNE. NOTHINGS FOR SURE.

SMALLER RUMORS FLOATING AROUND THE SITE ARE; RAMSEY AND SFC BACON ARE SLEEPING TOGETHER. SGT SIREK HAS PLANS TO TAKE NIETO AS HIS APPRENTICE AND PADIWAN LEARNER OF THE DARK SIDE. LITTLE BLACK ARNOLD IS MILITARY INTELLIGENCE FOR SPECIAL FORCES OPERATING UNDER COVER A SURVEILLENCE AS PART OF

*the rest of the page is blank*

IM BACK. TODAY IS THE 27th. I GOT BACK TO THE LITTLE CAMP AREA ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO. I LEFT YESTERDAY MORNING TO, WELL, AS PART OF DE-CON (DE-CONTAMINATION) MISSION. HERES THE INFORMATION THAT I GATHERED.

A SITE HAD BEEN FOUND THAT WAS THOUGHT TO HAVE CHEMICAL WEAPONS AND 1-10 WAS APPOINTED TO GO TO THE SITE AND DE-CON THE CIVILIANS THAT WERE GOING TO OPEN THEM. AS IT TURNS OUT THE CIVILIANS HAVE BEEN DE-LAYED AND WOULD BE SET BACK 1 DAY.

THE NBC TEAM THAT I WAS WITH WERENT PREPARED TO STAY OVER NIGHT AND AS FORCASTED BY SSG MINOR WE MIGHT HAVE HAD TO STAY 3 TO 4 DAYS. EVERYBODY WAS PISSED.

LATELY ITS BEEN GETTING REALLY COLD AT NIGHT AND WE JUST HAPPENED TO BE NEAR A RUNNING RIVER. SO THE, ITS ABOUT 9 O’CLOCK AND IM BEAT, NO SLEEPING BAG OR ANYTHING TO COVER UP WITH AND I DECIDE TO TRY AND SLEEP. I GET AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE AND I GET ATTACKED BY MOSQUITOS. NOW IM PISSED SO I DECIDED TO JUST TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT. ABOUT 10PM ONE OF THE HEMTT (this might just say “hemi”, I don’t know) FUELERS SHOWS UP AND SGT TORRES SAYS HE HAS EVERYBODYS SLEEPING BAG! THE SITES ABOUT 45 MINS AWAY AND THEY LEFT SOMETIME MID AFTERNOON TO GET OUR SHIT, I HATE THESE PEOPLE.

RIGHT NOW ITS 9:01 PM AND ITS 11:02 AM YOUR TIME. I MISS YOU.

RIGHT NOW IM GOING TO ADDRESS AN ENVELOPE AND HAVE IT READY TO SEND TOMMOROW THE 28th. IM SORRY IF IT SEEMS THAT IM NOT WRITING VERY OFTEN. FOR A WHILE WE COULDN’T. AND NOW THAT IT SEEMS WE MIGHT BE HERE A LITTLE WHILE, THEYVE KEPT ME REALLY BUSY. LET ME ADDRESS THE ENVELOPES (he drew a star here)

ALL DONE. I THOUGHT ABOUT THE HOUSE A LOT TODAY AND YESTERDAY. IM SURE BY THE TIME THIS LETTER REACHES YOU, YOU’LL HAVE EITHER GOTTEN IT OR GAVE IT UP. IM O.K. WITH EITHER DECISION YOUVE MADE.

YOUVE KEPT THIS FAMILY TOGETHER, AND THAT MAKES ME PROUD. YOUR SMART, ATTRACTIVE AND FUNNY. AND YOU DONT TAKE ANY SHIT FROM ANYBODY. I LOVE YOU.

I HOPE THAT OUR DAUGHTER TURNS OUT TO BE LIKE YOU.

I GUESS ILL MAIL THIS TOMORROW, FIRST THING, SO

EVER YOURS

EVER MINE

*my dad signed it with his scribble, and wrote his name under it. under that are hearts and x’s with my mom’s name and then my name under hers.*

[wickymicky]

my top ten favorite kpop singles of 2021 so far: first quarter edition (january-march)

10. Pixy - Wings: I’m not as into this song as other people, but it’s grown on me, and I think they have a lot of potential. I did not expect a group called “Pixy” to have this dark of a concept haha, I like that. I like the choreo and overall performance of it too, I think that’s the highlight for me

9. G Idle - Hwaa: Not my favorite G Idle title track, but I do think it’s in the top half. It’s interesting to me that they did this song, since it is pretty much all in Korean, there’s no English whatsoever (the only English is a “yeah” at the beginning haha), which for a group like G Idle who has used a lot of English in the past and is very popular internationally is kind of a bold choice, and I’m into it

8. Ateez - Fireworks (I’m The One): I’m still not fully sold on Ateez’s direction post-Wonderland/Answer, with the “end” of their pirate concept (possibly, it seems complicated lol, idk, but you know what I mean anyway), but I do kinda like this song! It sounds kinda like... European lmao. Like I keep thinking I hear accordion in the drop, but idk maybe I’m just imagining things. I mean all that in a good way, btw. Like a good kind of European (if you can imagine such a thing)

7. Shinee - Don’t Call Me: As someone who only got into kpop in 2019, and didn’t even get into a single boy group for like 6 or 7 months (and even then, for a while I just had one single token boy group lol), Shinee isn’t a group that I had checked out much from until fairly recently. I’m still new here, I suppose lol. But yeah idk, this song is good! I love the production and their obvious charisma and talent. Like, I can tell even just from this song that their reputation is earned. It’s just a solid release

6. Purple Kiss - Ponzona: I do prefer Skip Skip, but I decided to limit this to singles and title tracks. I also prefer My Heart Skip a Beat (by a lot, actually), but that came out last year lol. This song has really been growing on me a lot though! Like, a lot actually. I like the violin, I think that’s a really interesting touch haha, I feel like that adds so much to the way the song sounds overall. Yuki’s rapping is impressive too, I like her flow in every song I’ve heard her in so far, especially since she writes her raps herself and Korean isn’t her native language. Honestly that’s one of the most impressive things about Purple Kiss... they seem to be involved in writing all of the things they do! That’s SO RARE for a group to do right from debut, especially for a girl group! I think that’s a great sign that things are changing, and girl groups are being taken more seriously and being allowed more creative freedom than ever before. Ponzona was literally a song written for a monthly evaluation when they were trainees. That’s really impressive. Skip Skip was too, but yeah lol. 

5. Pentagon - Do or Not: I mentioned that for a while I just had one token boy group that I liked, and that was Pentagon haha, they were my first. I like that this is a return to their fun sound, but in a different way... like, this song doesn’t sound anything like Shine or Naughty Boy lol. Pentagon are just really good at conveying passion in their songs and I think that shines through here too! I like the way the bass and percussion sound, that’s just quality mixing lol. I also love that even though it’s this kinda pop-punk-ish-doo-wop-ish kpop song, it still has a bit of sadness underneath the fun, which is something I think is a trademark of Pentagon’s style haha. But mostly, it’s fun

4. Tri.Be - Doom Doom Ta: The main reason I checked this out was because it was written and produced by LE from EXID, and you can really tell haha. In fact, her voice is in the song at certain points, and like... she has a really distinctive voice lol. Anyway this song is like a pretty hard commitment to this Latin/moombahton kind of sound, and I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that trend in kpop, but either way, I do think this song is a bop. I’ve had it on repeat way more than everything below this point, in fact all the songs in this top 4 I’ve had on repeat like an order of magnitude more than the songs from 5-10 lol. it’s been a slow beginning to the year. I don’t have a lot of specifics to mention here about Doom Doom Ta, I just think it’s an earworm 

3. Weeekly - After School: This was really highly anticipated for me, because I love their previous title tracks. Tag Me especially is a song I consider to be almost perfect, which is not something I say about very many songs at all haha. I personally don’t think After School is quite as good as Tag Me or Zig Zag, but I do really like it! It’s always good to get more fun, exciting, unashamedly catchy songs haha, it’s a breath of fresh air. I love this concept for them too, I think it fits them really well! They’re just a lot of fun. This mini-album, We Play, is my favorite of theirs so far too, though that doesn’t necessarily affect my placement of this song in particular

2. Cherry Bullet - Love So Sweet: God damn, this song is really good. It’s really simple, but that works to it’s advantage imo. I love that the background melody of the instrumental during the verse is the same as the vocal melody in the chorus (or at least very close), that’s just super satisfying. Ending the song with an extended “da da dadada da da” segment was a big risk too lol, that could have been annoying, but idk I think that really is one of the highlights of the song. This song feels like the kind of song where the songwriter came up with that melody and went “YES! this is IT! YESSSSS” and they knew they had come up with something really, really catchy, and they built the rest of the song around showcasing it. And it works!

1. Dreamcatcher - Odd Eye: This probably isn’t much of a surprise lol. But similar to After School... This isn’t my favorite Dreamcatcher comeback, and tbh I think it’s my least favorite of the Dystopia trilogy. But like... that’s still enough to make it my favorite song of the first quarter of 2021. It’s great, I love the way they do the cyberpunk concept and sound without going into the synthwave direction like Everglow La Di Da did. I love La Di Da a ridiculous amount, but I just mean that it’s nice to see variety even within a similar overall concept. Also! Handong is back! And she crushed it! In previous title tracks she and Gahyeon often got the least amount of lines by far, and the least amount of screentime and such, and Gahyeon definitely got times to shine during Scream and Boca and made it clear that she’s leveled up a lot, and I was really hoping that Odd Eye would be able to do the same for Handong (without sacrificing Gahyeon’s screentime and lines)... and yeah, it really was, lol. Handong was all over this song, and her voice reaaaaaally complements this sound. This group has no weak links, and obviously all of us already knew that, but now even the people who only casually listen to them know that without a doubt too.

idk... i’m not totally sure about this list but that feels mostly right to me i guess. I feel like Odd Eye is definitely my favorite so far, but to be honest I don’t feel like it’s the Song of the Year. like, if it had been released in 2020, I don’t think it would have made my top 10. If nothing better than Odd Eye comes out for the rest of the year then sure, it will be my SOTY haha, but idk, I just think that there hasn’t been anything *truly* great so far yet. And that’s okay... I’m very picky about this kind of thing. I don’t give high scores to things that don’t deserve it lol... and like in my opinion there were only 4 songs in 2020 that are the kind of near-perfect instant-soty song I’m talking about, and three of those four came out in the second half of the year. So the fact that I don’t think anything so far has been at that top level isn’t a bad thing, and isn’t really something I’m worried about. I think we definitely have not gotten the best songs of the year yet (unless everything else ends up sucking lol, but idk i hope thats not what happens...)

oh also there was an WJSN comeback today, and that would probably have been on this list, but I havent heard it yet because i was waiting until I finished writing this haha. like, since it came out on March 31st, tbh I’m just gonna count it as an April comeback, so i’m sure it’ll be in my list for the second quarter that i’ll post at the end of June lol. i mean, unless i dont like it. but i’ll probably like it haha.

[ask-the-party-god]

The Birthday - Part 1

DAVE: and its like

DAVE: sure you know whatever fuck it

KARKAT: …

DAVE: im too deep and invested in this fucking story already

DAVE: if attila the hun can be santa i guess she can also be the reincarnation of an alien god with yaoi hands

DAVE: what do i even know

KANAYA: (How Did This Conversation Devolve Into This Again Dear)

ROSE: (I have no idea, but I’ve counted seven tangents from the original conversation topic already, and I’m expecting it all to come back to the start in another four, give or take.)

 The Thirteenth of April. An Earth-wide celebrated holiday, the day of Creation, the day the Creators returned and graced the inhabitants of the world they made with their presence, the day they descended to stay, and live among mortals. The day you won the game, and claimed the Ultimate Reward, as rulers of a new reality.

To be completely honest, you never really jelled with the grandiose vibe of this holiday.

ROXY: and she was like, ‘ur an outlaw of gender’ and im like oh my fuckin god thats the BEST thing anyone has ever done w/ my title <3 im savin that one

DIRK: Fitting, for sure.

DIRK: I recall a similar experience in the past with my own Mythological Role.

CALLIOPE: i believe that was a conversation we had, in fact! ^u^

DIRK: Yeah. Prince of Heart, Destroyer of Souls. That was a rather enlightening talk. You can probably twist these nonsense names to mean whatever badass or stupid thing you want them to.

JAKE: Well you sure make it sound easier than it actually is! Why *page* and *hope* are already kind of a doozy on their own let alone twisting their meaning in a humorous or intriguing way.

ROXY: aw jakey im sure we can work w/ that

ROXY: specially given the uh page duds

ROXY: like ur the sexy robin of glowy bullshit

DIRK: Oh my god.

ROXY: a saucy and sparkly peter pan

JAKE: Hmm…

ROXY: THE HIMBO OF ASS fuckin got it B)

CALLIOPE: roxy please i’m trying to politely hold my laUghter, bUt yoU’re making it very difficult!

JAKE: Theres that word again! Jasprose has been calling me that but despite knowing my fair share of obscure slang

ROXY: (lmao)

JAKE: I havent been privy to this ones meaning yet!

ROXY: not so fun bein on the receivin end of weird-ass words huh jake

JAKE: So…

JAKE: What DO you mean im a himbo exactly?

DIRK: …

 Your name is Jade Harley, and to be honest, you don’t really care about the Day of Creation. But then again, you’re also privileged enough to BE one of the Creators. No, the Thirteenth of April is a much more private and personal day for you and your group of friends. The birthday of Jane Crocker, your ectobiological progenitor, but most importantly, at least in your eyes, the birthday of John Egbert.

God, you love your ecto-sibling so much.

Over a decade ago, back on your island, you fantasized about the things you would show to your friends once you entered the Game, the fated Session you’d seen in your dreams, night after night. John, out of all of them, was always the closest to you, asleep just a short trip over from your own tower, having awful nightmares. Haunted by that which was yet to come. You tried to help him wake up for years.

And then, when he finally did, your Dreamself was gone.

Barely any time to have fun, barely any fun to be had in the first place. And once the Scratch erased everything, and you brought the Session along with you, it felt as thought those dreams may become a reality, that you would, at long last, have one of your closest friends in the whole wide world there, able to hang out with you.

Well, you suppose at least one iteration of you DID enjoy a three year journey alongside John and Davesprite. You really wonder how different your trip would have been if you had your friends with you.

 JASPROSESPRITE^2: So what’s it gonna be, sweet buns?

JASPROSESPRITE^2: Got a wish in mind already?

JASPROSESPRITE^2: Better be careful what you think of, or it may become a reality right in front of your very eyes. ;3

JANE: Oh Jaspie, please…

JANE: We’re in the middle of a party, can’t you control yourself just a teensy tiny bit?

JASPROSESPRITE^2: You and I both know the answer to that question already, mrrow~.

 It’s okay though. You’ve put it all behind by now. You won the game, and John was back. All of your original friend group made it, crossed the threshold, and became the Gods of this new world. And it has been fun! It really has been so much fun, you’ve met so many different people, and you have discovered so many different things about yourself!

But not everyone is as eager and excited as you are.

You really don’t know what goes through his mind most of the time, but you know John is not doing so fresh. After going through so much, after thinking you would never see him again for three long years… Despite him being alive, it’s not like you have seen that much of him lately either way.

“not today”, “i’m feeling a bit off, sorry!”, excuses, all of them, but you want to respect his… You don’t even know, honestly. His privacy? His desire to mope around all day? Ugh. But you simply couldn’t handle him being holed up and alone in his Birthday of all days. It took a while to convince him, but you did it. And it has been…

 JOHN: …eally fun.

JADE: huh?

JOHN: i said this has been fun!

JOHN: i’m… sorry i haven’t been THERE too much lately, jade.

JOHN: but i’m glad i listened to you.

JOHN: it’s been waaaay too long since the last time i hung out with all of you guys.

JOHN: i…

JOHN: i missed this.

JOHN: thank you.

JADE: :’D

JADE: awww, cmere you adorable little sweetie!

 Your arm curls around his back, hand pressed to that messy mane of his, longer than you remember him having let it grow before. There’s an almost… Nostalgic longing in those bright blue eyes of his, and you can’t help but wonder if there isn’t something else he’s missing today.

…

Not like you can do much about it. The party is just getting started, and you intend to make the best of every second. Here, today. With your friends and family.

[diamondsnpolaroids]

I know I havent posted in awhile, and I will catch you all up on my weekly polaroid progression shots but I've really been struggling this week and I need to get it out somewhere.

Yes. I am still pregnant. In 3 days I'll finally be 40 weeks. A milestone I never thought I'd get to because this entire pregnancy has been a rollercoaster of emotions, pain and endless struggles. I didnt want to be pregnant this long. At all. This is going to be long and there will be a lot of personal details, but I need to get it out. I'm tired of having all these thoughts with no outlet.

Since I was 16 years old I was convinced I would never be able to have a child. It was always a devastating thought until I got to the age of 22 when i finally kind of accepted the fact and was okay not becoming a mother. The one thing i wanted between those years, the one thing that broke my heart was I'd never be able to experience the feeling of being pregnant. That may seem silly because that's such a short period of time when it comes to being a mother. 9 months of growing a human compared to the years and years of seeing that person grow is so minuscule. But for some reason that was always what broke me most.

I was dating the same man that entire time. I was 16 when we first starting dating, and I'll be convinced till the day I die that he was my soulmate. He was my best friend over absolutely anything. I could be my totally authentic self with him. He knew how weird I was and stayed. He watched me drown myself in my depression and stayed. He saw me act like a child, like an adult, my worst and best moments. Experienced my grief and my biggest accomplishments and was always right there for me. Growing up with an alcoholic drug addict father I knew I needed a man that would never abandon his family for those things. He was the man I knew I never needed to worry about.

I never really noticed the abusive behavior. The mental torture, isolation, the control he held over me, how hard his harsh words would hit.. it never really crossed my mind because when the good times were good, they were great. When they were bad, I was convinced it was all on me. My depression was the controlling one. My insane mind was the problem. Never him. Then the alcohol started to take over. He consumed himself in it whenever he had the chance. His childhood was ruined by this substance just like mine was and he was slowly turning to it instead of working out his trauma that it caused. Hed increase the intake slowly but surely and when it got too much for me to handle I'd cry and beg that he stopped. Seeing how upset it made me the first few times hed stop or slow down. But it was never for long. Hed go a week and then once again it would slowly increase and the cycle would continue. After awhile, I was "crazy" and he was "just doing what everyone our age was doing". No one our age was drinking 6+ a night on week days and spending $200 at least per night on the weekends. By the time we hit 7 years it got to an all time low. April of 2019 I realized all of this wasnt okay any more. An old friend had walked into my life and for the first time in years I was treated like a human being with feelings. Real feelings that were valid. I was told and shown that I was no where near the same happy girl I once was. It was all over my face and in my body language that I was a totally different person and not in a good way. It was clear just by looking in my eyes that I was severely depressed. I was reassured that my decision to split to work on ourselves was indeed the best step forward I could have ever taken.

My boyfriend reluctantly agreed to end the relationship for the sake of bettering ourselves or else we'd never last as a long term couple. He stopped drinking. Wed still hangout but was met with an extreme depression on his end, begging for me to stay and help him through it as if I hadn't tried for years and years. I knew nothing I could do would make him change, it needed to be a decision he made for himself. He had ruined every part of my being and I needed to explore who I was as an individual. My old friend made me feel ways I hadn't in years and eventually I caved to my emotions and desperate need to feel wanted without the attachment and abusive behavior always on my shoulders. I wasnt with my ex, and I kept it from him. After a month I started to notice his changes but it wasnt enough. He still tried to keep me wrapped around his finger while questioning my every move. He was working on it though, and I was noticing the change, but I couldnt stop what I was doing.

After another month he found out. He was upset, naturally, but was still around. He still wanted to work on it. Then 3 days later I took my first pregnancy test. It was positive. I kept it to myself praying it was a fluke. I took 2 more the next day. It wasnt. I took one last one, called my doctor, then called him over. I told him, and it wasnt an ideal reaction. He was forcing an abortion on me. For someone who never thought they could get pregnant, to find out after years that it was indeed possible, I just couldnt. This was a miracle in my eyes. Once I told him I couldnt, giving him the option to sign off all his rights and to stay away if that's what he wanted, he accepted he was going to be a father. But he also disappeared. Just up and left, and I was met with the worst mental abuse he could ever dish out for weeks. I had never felt so low in my entire life. Being told our child is a mistake, how terrible of a person I was and how him not being around is totally and completely my fault. What i failed to mention is for the last 3 years of our relationship he would use snapchat to talk to girls behind my back. I'd check his phone after every fight and hed go out drinking, just to see up to 7 different girls names with a "sent" notification beside them. I'd delete them off his contacts, confront him, ect ect, but he never stopped. I was always ashamed I stayed with someone who could do this but my love for him was so blind and so strong.. I couldnt let go.

Whenever I would mention all the hurt he caused me, it never compared to me sleeping with someone else while we weren't even together. It was ALL. MY. FAULT. And he couldnt take even an ounce of responsibility for how he treated me and pushed me out of his arms. After 2 weeks of us knowing I'm pregnant, he started seeing someone else. He was drinking beyond what he ever was with me, and now he was with someone else. Some girl who was also fresh out of a long term relationship, totally okay with the fact he was to but also expecting a baby with. I shouldnt have been mad or upset, we weren't together, but it hurt. I wanted the man I thought I'd never have to worry about being a good dad to actually be here with me on this journey. But he wasnt. For the months to come he gave me promises that their relationship wasnt an offical thing and reassured me he doesnt think she'll be around long. I shouldnt give up hope on us. My hormonal, emotional self prayed that was true.. until they became official in September.

Once that happened, it was like a ghost town. I only saw him for the 3 ultrasounds we had to pay for. He never came to any doctors appointments, he didnt feel the baby move, nothing. The entire time blaming me for him not being around. I sat at home every day after long shifts at work knowing I'm all alone in this world, growing a baby, doing everything by myself while he lived his life with no responsibility, laying next to her every night. Every day my heart broke. Some days were better than others, but not a single day I didnt wish and pray that hed atleast be there for his child. I knew my feelings weren't relevant anymore, I just wanted my son to have a father. He needed to have a father. I wasnt going to let my kid go through life always wondering why he wasnt enough for him like I did. I still hurt for myself, but no where near as much as I hurt for my son. I was given empty promises from my ex, he said hed call every day so atleast if he didnt watch our baby grow inside of me, hed atleast know his voice when he finally arrives. But hed go days without calling, and it would somehow turn into my fault because I hurt him too much to call his son.

I've spent this entire pregnancy working on myself, on my mental health, researching how to be a mother, what I need to do and stay away from, how to cope with every type of situation that may arise. I've done nothing but work on growing myself to be the best person I could be for my son. He just stayed drinking away his problems, distracting himself in every type of way he could. Avoiding all responsibilities of becoming a father soon.

Fast forward to about a week ago, when a phone call got a little spicy heated between us and ended in me sending him some snapchats of myself by his request. I know I shouldnt have, he was with someone else, but I missed him and wanted one last feeling of being wanted by the man I always thought I'd marry. I did exactly what broke me the last 3 years of our relationship and I really didnt feel bad about it. For 2 days this continued until it just stopped and he got cold with me. Once again, I'm left broken hearted but this time, I know it's my own fault.

During the time before this, for months I highly considered giving my son my last name. It made sense. He wasnt reliable enough to even spend 30 seconds every day to call his son, how could I ever believe hed be there every day for him once he was born? It was logical. Everyone who knew our situation told me I should even before I brought up that being an option I was weighing in my mind.

A few days after our snapchatting stopped, I had to finally tell him. I couldnt bring myself to blindside him with something so serious. I should have, really, but I still hold his feelings deep in my heart, and I couldnt hurt the man I spent over 7 years with like this. So I told him. He broke. But not in any way I ever thought he would. He confessed how he still loved me, how everyone around him knows he still loves me, ending with how much this would break his heart, giving us no chance of ever being together again. We'd never be able to do things as a family, hed never look at me or our son again. It was, to say the least, extremely intense. But it also left me wondering if this was one of the many manipulative ways he knows to get what he wants. He always brought "us" up to get his way on things. It felt genuine, but I'm also extremely hormonal and yes I still love and miss him like crazy.

It's been a few days since then and theres been no word of any feelings since. Hes been cold and more distant and my heart is once again broken into a million pieces. Hes called a couple times but he still misses days. I was given the go ahead to try and self induce labour by my midwives so I have been. When he calls and asks what I did with my day, I'd tell him. Last night apparently I shouldnt have. I was met with anger because I should "leave him be, he'll come when hes ready" as if he knows any kind of physical pain I've been through these last few months.

These past 2 weeks alone I have felt nothing but pain. Between feeling my hips separating, my pelvic bones shifting and my son's head descending lower, constant back pain, not being able to walk properly, my kid sitting on nerves leaving my legs feeling paralyzed or sending shocks into my vagina. Not being able to sleep more than 2 hours at a time max, peeing every hour on the hour, his feet kicking my ribs so hard I curl over, getting his feet stuck under them as well. The pains are unimaginable as you can see, now mixed with all the emotional distress I've been under... you could imagine how I'm ready for this child to enter the world. But no.. I'm being selfish. He isnt ready. I'm fine to keep going. Because apparently my ex knows everything my body is enduring just to bring our child into this world. It broke my fucking heart last night when he yelled at me for it. Absolutely shattered it.

Which brings us to this picture. I couldnt sleep once again, and every time I woke up I was met with mind numbing depression and long crying spells. I feel more alone than ever. My 16-22 years of age is crying for me knowing this was all I ever wanted out of life and it has been constantly ruined and brought down by a man I never knew would act the way he has been. This pregnancy was so easy in almost every aspect compared to most women, I've been so so blessed to have such an easy time physically and yet I constantly feel as if he has ruined this experience for me. Sometimes the mental abuse from a man is worse than the physical. And he knew exactly how to ruin this all for his own selfish needs. I've spent all day today feeling ruined, beaten down, and just straight up depressed. I'm not ready to be a mother, infact I am absolutely scared shitless to be one. But I'm willing to go through being scared over all this physical pain I've been through that seems never ending. I'm ready to meet and love my little man. But once again I feel like I cant even be happy about it because of my ex.

I'm tired. I'm so so so tired of being so inlove with a man who has shown me time and time again he wont be the father I always knew he could be. My heart hurts so bad for my son every single day. And I'm just.... tired. Which is why I'm posting this picture along with my story. I know some women have it worse with their pregnancies and the fathers leaving. I know some men can be all of this plus physically abusive towards women. I know I dont have it the worst, but I'm trying. I need to for my son. I doubt this post will get very far, and I know a lot of judgment will come my way for it, but if my pregnancy journey can help even one woman not feel so alone, then I'm happy with sharing it.

[troubledsome-mind]

June 10th 2020

so yesterday was my really close friends birthday and they ghosted me i guess i can actually say that now, anyway, i wrote this for them in april and basically every year i’d send them a birthday card but since they ghosted me i wont be sending them their virtual birthday card cause of quarantine, anyway, this is what i wrote, i just feel like this should be seen by someone, at LEAST so here it is i guess.

“To be fair, i wrote this in early April as a joke cause of quarantine and the way this shit is looking now, it looks like you'll be celebrating your birthing in quarantine too .. sort of i guess, since you're essential and all .. Point is, bars should’ve been open, everything should have been .. Any who, Last year i said you weren't gonna get another one but the reality is, its because i thought i wouldn't be able to tell you things you didn't already know, so i thought instead of trying to word things differently i want to change it up this time and make it a different one since you wont be able to get a birthday card this year .. hey i guess you really wont be getting a technical birthday card .. SO here's the difference, normally i'd tell you how amazing of a person you are and blah blah blah, this time im going to force you to read the shit you never wanted to hear, for example .. it might get sad .. MIGHT, but idunno HOW sensitive you still might be. Let’s go back to three yrs ago, i wont way too into detail with this one, i dont want to trigger some shit, but this was my freshman yr and this was the time of you were considering some heavy shit and well it lead to you thinking i was giving you pitty compliments and well it led back to this memory that i tried to tell you but you weren't listening to me

I don't know if you remember the time we first hung out, we were on the highway on our way home in the back of your brothers car, the windows were down and our hair was going everywhere & i was so defeated that i just sat there while you tried your best to tame yours, i turned to you and you turned to me and you had the biggest smile on your face and i mean, it was the best fucking smile i’ve ever seen on someone, especially you and for some reason you just refuse to believe it. since we hung out once a year, i tried my best to crack a shitty joke cause for some reason you like the worst jokes i had BUT i must say, they may be the worst to me but at least i get to see, just for a second, that same smile i saw on that highway and its definitely worth it, every, single. time. Here's something else you've said, i just can not believe you said that’s, that i dont credit you, and when you said that i saw that as a stupid ass thing to say because why do you want to be credited for? and the more i thought about it i realized that i sounded like my dad, i dont see what exactly it is you want to be credited for if im being honest, but i can say i apologize, considering i made you feel that way, its definitely my fault that i allowed myself to not be as reassuring i guess? clearly there’s some shit i havent credited you for since thats how you feel, i mean what isnt there to thank you for, like the time i first had a break down and just about ready to cut you and everyone else off with no reason and talked me through it, or my favorite, the time i texted you when i was at a party and i stepped out for one second cause i wanted to talk to you plus i got bored and it was hot from all the smoke but then you though i was “too intoxicated” and then you were this defensive friend and wanted to know if i can could take me home before your curfew and i felt bad and lied that was too intoxicated and i thought, what the hell i get to see you for a sec and i appreciated you a lot for that one, it showed a lot of good in you and idk man, idk why you thought i wouldn't remember to tell you what i said the night of that day, but i’ll say it again SINCE i did say it again the next morning cause you thought i was just “drunk texting“ you and i’d just regret saying it to you in the morning, it was never a regret to say you’re a true friend, you’re the best person i’ve ever met and that im forever grateful for you and idk what i did to deserve you and i still dont, but im so happy to spend another with you even though we’re quarantined, but the day we do get to meet up again, we’re going to make it one hell of a day, love you bro, here’s to an always and forever friendship happy fucking birthday ❤️”

im not gonna lie, this shit hurts to look at, i gotta look at this shit and know that, that day wont be coming any time soon for their personal reasons and well i just hope they had a great birthday yesterday, i hope they celebrated it with their loved ones and just they had a great day overall, i wish nothing but the best for them, i guess is the complete end of them for me, i can happily end it like this from my side of the end.

[96xie]

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

[migleefulmoments]

Oh man. Did A really not-so-subtly insinuate that Starkids are in LA ti squander the Kickstarter money at the piano bar? Seriously. That's messed up. I'd love to see on what evidence she's basing this hypothesis, other than her immagination, that is.

Oh she has no evidence. She has been insinuating that there are nefarious things happening with StarKid since they announced the Kickstarter on April 4.  Abby was pissed because she doesn’t understand the way that Kickstarter works or that StarKid has built up a level of trust with their supporters over the years as they put up projects and then completed them. On April 4th Abby said:  

So if I am reading this right, you have to donate $3,000 to be guaranteed a ticket to Homecoming. So if you donate one dollar less, you are essentially backing a show you may not even see (and I would bet it will sell fast as it is one night only) in its entirety as it will not be on youtube.

Anonymous asked:

People will be able to buy tickets. They just include tickets to people who buy the vip stuff. The tickets havent gone on sale yet but in gas they said they will be releasing info

Anon, did you read what I wrote? I stated unless you spend $3000 you are not GUARANTEED a ticket to homecoming. Of course they can buy them, but it is a one night only show and an anniversary of their most popular show, guaranteeing D will be there, and as much as i hate starshit, it will sell out and likely immediately, hence the word GUARANTEED.

No surprise that she never let that go and kept harping on it until they announced the video after they hit the $150K stretch goal. 

Anonymous asked:

"We want to give you a gift. Can you give us money to buy it for you? The more money you give us, the nicer the gift will be." Seriously?

It is NOT even going to be on YouTube.  What a gift to those of us that don’t live in LA, but sure let me sacrifice dinner out so i can back your show.

But for $50 I can get an acceptance letter to pigfarts!!!!!

I know I am being mean, but they have earned it.

And more Abby:

Anonymous asked:

The SK kickstarter has already made almost half of their goal and there’s still 31 days left. It will probably be reached in a couple of days maximum. Hope they put it on yt at least.

They said in their Q&A it will likely NOT be in youtube.  So does not seem likely.

Anonymous asked:

To me a kickstarter is for people who don't have the means for their project and not for celebs to beg for money that they have. I find it off-putting when they make fans pay for it. Since they love sponsorship so much why not go that route? That would have been more respectable.

This is the issue here, Starshit is a tiny production company that legit can use support as they don’t have sponsors. But when the use D to sell it, they lose credibility because he is a celeb and is pictured living the life of the rich and famous.  They need to chose, either use D as your spokesperson and get funding in other ways or ask for money from people that often don’t have the money to give.  Simple choice but they need to make it.

April 6th still obsessed 

2,923 backers. 2 days in. 1,600 tickets. I wouldn’t be purchasing my plane ticket yet.

Cassie joined the bitchfest.

cassie1022 4/11

So here’s a thought…maybe the excess money from the Kickstarter for the super important 10niversary concert reuniting one super successful group member, a few with a smidgen of success, and the rest with the same amount of success as the PBB could be used for donations to some Filipino charitable causes as without D, they wouldn’t have the excess?

Oh, no, silly me, they’re using that money to fund their next show to make themselves feel like they aren’t insignificant. Never mind.

Abby 4/11

Anonymous asked:

As one of the founders of Starkids, I can't see how Darren could get out of supporting a ten year anniversary project. It is because of them and their run-away internet-sensation smash-hit, A VERY POTTER MUSICAL, that Darren was first brought to the public eye. I think fans of them would consider it churlish of Darren not to help.

Help yes. But he’s being used as a prop to make money mainly for a show he’s not a part of. And yes. They use him. Viciously. And without him they would not have raised nearly as much cash so fast.

And they continue to show who they chose. JR just did another needless reminder today. Hr can have her.

I know people want to think they are good and everything’s fine. It’s not. Not even close. And d knows it.

Lately she has been obsessing over the amount of money they raised- over $500,000- making snide comments about how they don’t need that much money. Abby has no point of reference for how much a production of this scale will cost. Darren is producing the show- making her anger confusing and misguided. This is just another situation where Abby no first-hand experience, but somehow she has all sorts of complaints, theories and comments that are based on first-hand knowledge. She needs to take ccadvice and stay in her lane. 

[digigal-transbian]

Better to?

Is it better to be alive and constantly miserable? Or dead and know peace?

If I fail a class this semester, there is an extremely high likelihood that i will be pulled out of college for financial reasons. If that happens I've been told I will have no choices, my life will be ultimately destroyed. The only job I'd be able to get is a minimum wage, soul crushing mindless existence. I'd never be able to afford a second chance at college. I'd never be able to survive on minimum wage, I'd have to get two jobs and even then I'd barely make ends meet.

And that's if I was able to get a second job. I'd never know love because I'd be too busy trying just to survive and after that too tired to function. 2 full time jobs is not exactly free to have feelings like love. And with who I am, finding someone would be a damn miracle and god has already proven he shall have no mercy on me.

And the gods know I'd never have a lucky break with writing or art, if I even had the time or energy to put into either of them.

Every check just going to not being dead for another week, stuck in a job or if I'm lucky, 2, that I hate, barely making ends meet, all because when I was 19 I got cocky and ended up failing Precal or was forgetful and failed English because if it.

To be able to say, "I was young, dumb, sure of myself, and because of it I've amounted to nothing, never known love, was never able to have a family, and lived a fate comparable to hell on earth."

I've been religiously told this for the last 6 months by my parents. And 6 months is lowballing it.

My biggest fear is dying alone. My second biggest fear to be forgotten. If I fail both are going to happen. I'm going to die alone in a house that is barely holding together without a soul to remember me.

I'll be forgotten within a week of my death, if not, a month at most. Nothing I've ever done will have mattered, ultimately I was just a waste of the universes time, even if I did make a couple peoples days just a little bit brighter.

Is it better to live and be miserable with no hope, or to die and be done with it?

At this point it's basically pass or die. A 70 on my math final to pass and have to retake because of how it is with my major, an 85 on it to never take that class again, and with English I've done what I can and at this point all I can do is hope.

And don't any of you dare call me selfish for this. To call suicidal people selfish is selfish itself. You're only concerned about the impact that persons death would have on you or their family, worry about the person who wants to kill themselves because they are in pain or see no other option.

And never call me selfish. I've made every choice for somebody else. Choice in college was because if years of "if you go to clemson you'll make your grandfather proud." And he's the actual kindest person I've ever met of course I dont want to let him down, I couldn't get there on my highschool GPA or ACTs so I found some backass method to get there. CSU has an applied math program that does 4 years there, 2 years at Clemson and you get two degrees for the 6 year period.

My father was all for that for the reason of being able to rub it in my aunts and uncles faces.

This is the same man that punched a brick wall hard enough to let out a blood curdling scream, make the house shake from the punch, and instill the fear of death in a child because a 12 year old didnt do his English homework. Why that 12 year old didnt do their homework? Just didnt want to, so over time did less and less of it.

Which is a legitimately normal thing by the way, 6th graders dont always want to do their homework and of course they are going to lie about it, dont act like his responce was in any way justifiable.

The man to this day still threatens to pin me to a wall and beat the shit out of me if I lie to him again, which wouldnt be as much of an issue if he didn't terrify me to the point of never telling him anything ever again out of fear for my life.

My choice of major was because of him. I wanted to be a doctor for a while but then my mom spent a collective 5 years dying in the hospital, so that dream died. No fault to her she couldn't control it. I then wanted to be a psychiatrist, therapist, that deal. Made the mistake of mentioning it around dad and got told promptly "it's not a real job." 10 year old me gave up on that real quick.

Then it went lawyer for a while because I figured a good paying job will be acceptable, hes always on about money anyways. After months upon like a year or something of "oh it's a lot of school and it's really hard and are you sure about it?" That dream too, was killed.

So the next thing I said was computers. Nothing more, nothing less, and it was finally acceptable. It was the most predicatable answer out of me and the first one to really be approved of. So for years i was content not having my dreams put down, then came college and I put my dreams down for computer engineering, on the track to clemson.

I then changed my major to computer science and over time put some thought into my actual interests.

Astronomy, the language of the stars. Physics, the language of the universe. Linguistics, the study of language. Writing, where you can be a god of your own little world. Geology, because rocks are just cool yo. Intetior Design, every time dad drags me to work with him I sit around and mentally start designing each room. And at the bottom of the list, Computer Science.

And the final mistake made in this whole college thing, I applied to only 1 college and to 0 scholarships. The scholarships I got are state ones, and I was told to keep a 3.0 GPA, which if you've ever seen one of my report cards you know how bad of an idea relying on that is. You have to have no idea what any of my report cards have ever looked like to think for a minute that trusting I will keep a B average for 6 years with no problems at all is even slightly a good idea.

So when my grades came in first semester, the night of December 13 I was legitimately shaking in fear for my life. December 23 when my parents found my grades out they gave me a 2~3 hour scream and then since then all my tech, aside from my phone and laptop, has been sitting in a tote box in my closet.

April they see my grades again and since then I havent been allowed to even have my door closed, and was strongly told that if I'm caught reading anything that isnt for school they'd burn it.

I could have probably avoided half of this if I was just a little more selfish, but I made every choice for someone else. If I was just a little more selfish I would be in a college half the price of CSU in a major that wouldnt be my last choice. Were I just a little more self centered, I wouldn't fear my father killing me over my grades.

Maybe I'm so destructively selfless because every moment that was supposed to have been about me quickly became about someone else. High school graduation after the fact during the pictures I got pushed to the side so my cousins could have a picture of just them, when there literally were three other walls and outside that they could have done that. Have you ever taken a picture outside at night? It's got a beautiful magic about it, and the lights were on dont even try to say "oh it's too dark", also cameras tend to have a flash so that's no excuse to push ME out of the way on MY graduation day. Kinda a big deal to me because when you look at my extended family I am among the few that have graduated high school, like half of them haven't even done that.

My graduation party the next day, I was given my gifts and then ignored most of the rest of the time. I was there for about 6~7 hours, and relevant for about 15 minutes. My college acceptance letter was opened and read by my parents before I even woke up. In fact, they woke me up by yelling at me from the kitchen to get in there. I walk in there, they're at the table smiling like idiots that just won the Nobel prize, and they hand me an open letter and tell me to read.

And my birthdays result in me being relevant for ten minutes of the hour at the pizza hut, and most of that is being asked about school and grades. The rest of the time is my parents and grandparents bitching about my drug addict unfit parent cousins. Like, my birthday is supposed to be about me, not them. And I am more than just school and grades, you would not believe how long it took me to realize that.

I have one bit of advice for anyone that might need it. Live your life for yourself for your reasons and never let somebody else live through you.

[15001700tt]

Reflections of the Deep Sense of Self

well, i dont really have an audience except for a handful of mutuals and the many porn bots that i cant seem to get rid of no matter how hard i try but i am still gonna use this platform to voice out my thoughts since i have too many of them and i feel like i might drown if i don't talk about them.

i dont necessarily think that i am a person that is easily swayed by men, i was able to emotionally control myself quite effectively in my youth.

my first crush was simply a pick from the crowd to stop my friends nagging about who it was. i just observed the crowd and picked the most likely to not interact with my sort and said "him, he is so cute!" hoping that my friends wouldn't see through my facade. i didn't want to like anyone just because of their looks but I had quite literally not spoken to the male sort in my entire life (not including men I am related to, I was in all girl private school before I moved to America's public system) to develop an interest in them in a romantic or infatuated way even.

now this is just my introduction to my philosophical essay about whether hurt/ mentally ill people are inherently evil but I must admit that this was started because of other reasons. we might not even get to touch on that either, i tend to ramble and not get to the point effectively.

if you followed me long enough you would know that I was talking to a man I might've called Viking. but we do not talk anymore after I made my feelings clear to him.

i feel many things, most of the time, its anger, the other times, confusion, hurt, rejection..etc. but I do not blame him. mostly because, i am quite annoying as a human being.

one of the things i took to as a way to distract me from the pain, was reading. i read so much that it was impossible to feel anything except the emotions that I was told to through a page. but in between books I would have nights where i wouldnt be able to focus on the words, and I would ponder what was it i did wrong, what was it that made him deem me worthless, not worth responding to. and I would come up blank because my self-preservation wont allow me believe that because I made my intentions clear that I was in the wrong to do so when I feIt that our relationship was taking the wrong turn. if I am allowed to call it a relationship, because quite frankly it was a level below a situationship and a level above a friendship. that I was quite sure of.

as I sit here and write after almost two months of silence from his end and mine, because I refuse to be the one to break it. call it pride, call it stubbornness, I was not the one to ghost the other. i refuse to chase after someone who clearly does not want me. but still can't deny that I lay in bed every night at some godforsaken hours of the night wishing, and hoping that he would just take a step towards me. as I had done to him that one Wednesday afternoon in April.

my point is that my interest in men started out of necessity but it has evolved into a yearning of something that seems quite unattainable. i am not attractive by any means, but I am not of the ugliest sort. i have seen people with more weight with worse features than I with partners who could care less about appearances. which to say that my looks shouldn't be any good reason to ghost me. and while I don't necessarily think that my appearance was the reason for the silence I do struggle with the way l look so my insecurities have found a very good home in the found silence from him. i am working on losing weight out of a bet with friends but also out of bitterness but nevertheless, he is a man and if he wont block me than he must see what he is missing out on.

but again, I used to think I would never be that girl. the one who wanted something but she cant have it. which is quite the diabolical because the entirety of the 11 months we talked I had many panic/ anxiety attacks over how our appearances didn't match, our aesthetics weren't compatible, about how I was too ugly for him or too fat for him. but he seemed the sort that was straightforward and didnt waste other peoples times. i guess i was wrong in the sense that he kept me around because he was bored and disposed of me when it got too serious for his liking. i thought i always had the upperhand, that if things ended i wouldnt be too hurt about it and do what i do best, find the next boy to obsess over.

funny enough, he seemed interested. but i cant know for sure. i mightve made it up in my head.

i have a fear, which shouldnt be a fear but it is. remember how i said that my first crush was out of necessity? well that seems to be the case with me from 7th grade to the end of highschool. which is crazy because you would think with all the men i obsess over that i would find men attractive. i think there is a clear line between celebrities and fiction characters from a real person with undeliberate faults and thing you cant control.

i never thought any of my crushes were ugly, they were good looking but they didnt make me feel attracted to them. it didnt help that i was also the type to watch from a far and not the get close and comfortable.

considering this my first person that i liked and held an 11 months conversation/-ship with i think i did very good but that doesnt change that i read too many romantic book and i had a silver of hope.

a silver of hope that maybe i wasnt weird or shitty for not feeling attracted to anyone in my life. that i finally found someone who literally embodied my dream guy and couldnt have been more perfect. if only he was better at communicating.

he says that he is traumatized from long distance relationships, i now understand that it mightve been his fault. he doesnt communicate. in the 11 months we have known each other i know about a handful of things about him while he had me all figured out. except for one thing. he never got my fear of relationships. since i suspect he ghosted me because he thought i would want one. i guess ghosting me seemed like his best option.

i might not be undesireable but i am not anyone's first choice either. usingmedia to distract me from my emotions literally has become my life. i read about 15 hockey romances the weeks after the ghosting. i was already reading regency era adult romances but i couldnt bring myself to finish them because i had spoken to him about them. this decision i will regret because i talked about everything with him. i mentioned this before. quite literally everything reminds me of him. and its quite sad because i cant evn ssay what we had was special. i decided yesterday that he wasnt worth all of this, and i know he isnt. but i am tired. i just want to be dessired and wanted.

i literally stopped reading a book because the male interest did the same thing that he did to me, essentially to the female protag. i cant even pick up the raunchy adult romance.

i didnt let my self feel the extent of my emotions, only in small slivers of despair, or when i am too tired to pretend that his actions didnt affect me.

he was perfect in all ways but one and i was all faults except for one; my immenient need to communicate.

and no one knows, a friend of mine knows, but they dont know everything, i dont want her to get annoyed with me. i was in her place too many times and i refuse to put her through that. and our mutual friends?

hahahahaha the other night i was speaking with S, and he said that the last time he spoke to him, he mentioned me and Viking said 'oh i havent spoken to her in a while' thats it. no explaination no excuse. i dont even know why that infuriated me. i wasnt even worth an explaination in his eyes. S barely found out via vague summary from me. because even though i was/am hurt. i refuse to tarnish his reputation. 'in a while' ????? you mean two months? but then again S couldnt remember the last time he talked to him. but like still?

forget that we were flirting constantly i thought i was friend at least. i deserve more than this. i think. maybe not then.

i want to scream and shout and hit him and cry about why he didnt want me. but i realize thats self depricating. i should never seek validation from a man, i know but it wouldnt fucking hurt fam.

i have so much to say and yet i feel like its already too much. i should keep quiet. thats what people want from me. for someone who is 'boy crazy' i have not stomached going on a dating app, or boy watching in public because it physically hurts. for gods sake i cant even read fanfiction or just READ because of it. any sight of anything merely romantic makes me want to yell. i am tired and i want to turn everything off. including my stupid rat brain that only seems to be attracted to assholes.

but the same fucking stupid brain cant help but hope that is our enemies to lovers story. one day... god i hope one day...