#they were very sweet tho especially the guy who kept checking 2 see if i was ok

[eggbagelz]

Got all fuckin dressed up and did my makeup and everything and what finally got a bunch of boys attention was me falling and hitting my head at the ice rink

[daenqyu]

— love language (2) kirishima eijirou

pairing: kirishima x fem!reader

warnings: suggestive (?

a/n: i don’t really like how this turned out, felt like i could’ve done better but oh well :/ also it’s a little longer because i got carried away hehe. anyways, i hope you guys had a good time during the holidays and that you’re staying safe!!

love language masterlist

kirishima’s love language is: words of affirmation

do i even need to explain this?

we all know this baby is very insecure even tho he has absolutely no reason to be:( and he doubts himself way too much 

so it’s not much a surprise that he loves compliments

especially when he doesn’t even have to ask for them

like when you’re at the gym working out together (he insisted you made him some company bc bakugou had refused to) and you can’t stop looking at him because GOD DAYUM👴🏾

“why are you looking at me like that, babe?” he asks after he puts down the weights he was just lifting 

you swallow hard, realizing just how shamelessly you were checking out your boyfriend 

“hm you’re handsome” you’re so straightforward and it takes kirishima aback, making him stop in his tracks to look at you with a faint blush on his cheeks

“you hate when i’m sweaty tho”

you shrug while walking over to him, “yeah because you smell but i never said you didn’t look good” 

let’s just say you ended up leaving the gym way earlier than expected 🏃‍♀️

kirishima also loves when you call him manly

it makes him feel all warm inside

probably one of the best compliments you can give him, if not the best one

but he doesn’t only like compliments

he also likes when you show him you care about him

like when you remember something he said a long time ago or you ask him about his day

“hey kiri, isn’t there going to be a new festival in town tomorrow? the one you wanted to go to?”

“yeah, how’d you know?”

“you told me about it a few months ago”

it’s something so small and meaningless, yet it makes kirishima’s heart melt

“you remember that?”

you look up at him from your phone, your brows furrowing at his question

“of course i do”

please you just have to do the bare minimum and you have the boy wrapped around your finger

it’s so cute because he always says ‘i love you’ whenever he has to leave you or even just to hang up the phone

he just wants you to know that he loves and appreciates you with every fiber in his body and that no one could ever change that

so that’s why he’s constantly showering you in his love

for example, whenever you feel insecure about your body and you voice out your concerns to him, he’s quick to look you dead in the eye and point out every little thing about you that he loves,

even the ones you hate so much

“baby, you’re absolutely mesmerizing and i’m not letting you think otherwise. i love every part of you and if you need me to remind you every day until you love yourself too then so be it”

he’s so romantic too oh my God don’t even get me started

whenever he has the chance, he writes you little notes and leaves them in your locker 

once, you opened it to take out your science book and a sticky note fell out 

‘hey princess! i hope you have a good day today, i love you. also we’re having dinner  tonight so get dressed up ;) - kiri’

a smile takes over your face as you keep reading your boyfriend’s sweet words a few more times

he likes giving more than receiving so expect LOTS of reassurance and random compliments 

the room is quiet as you lay down in your bed while reading a book, the only sound filling the room being the faint music coming out of your phone and the laughter of your roomates from next door. you indulge yourself in the novel on your hands, concentrating on the vivid descriptions so you can maybe picture exactly what the writer was trying to convey, but a knock on your door interrupts your train of thought. 

you ignore it, thinking it must be one of your friends doing some stupid prank again (aka denki and mina), but the person knocks a few more times, enough to annoy you, and so you end up standing up to open it. however, the frown on your face quickly goes away as soon as you see who’s the person who kept on insistently knocking. kirishima stands in front of you with a big smile on his face and you can’t help but copy his actions; just seeing him was enough to make your whole day perfect.

“hey, babe!” his tone is cheerful, as always, and he leans down to give you a kiss, one that ends up way too fast for your liking.

“hey, kiri. what are you doing here? weren’t you gonna hang out with bakugou and sero?” you close the door behind you once he enters. he sits down on your bed as if it was his own, stretching his arms out in the process and you lick your lips when his shirt rides up a bit, showing off his v-line and the outline of his abs. kirishima smirks when he notices your gaze, but doesn’t say anything about it.

“yeah, but sero is feeling sick and bakugou didn’t feel like going out so.” he shrugs, and you pout at him, feeling bad his friends basically ditched him.

“i’m sorry baby, i know how much you were looking forward to today.” you walk towards him and take a seat on his lap, your legs loosely wrapping themselves around his waist and his hands holding your hips steadily. he smiles at you one more time, completely ignoring the feeling of his heart hammering against his chest.

“it’s okay. besides, that just means i get to spend more time with you.” he says before kissing your neck softly, making you erupt in a fit of giggles as his lips tickled your sensitive skin. you wrap your hands around his neck and tilt your head to the side to give him more acces, biting down on your lower lip when he sucks on a certain spot. but before things can get too heated, kirishima pulls away and you whine at the loss of contact, which makes him chuckle. 

for a few minutes neither of you say anything, simply enjoying each other. you rest your head on one of his shoulders while your hands play with his own, touching his fingers gently and kissing his knuckles from time to time. he smiles down at you, asking himself what the hell did he ever do to deserve someone as precious as you. 

you’re so good to him; always making sure he’s eating well and that he isn’t overworking himself, helping him with homework whenever he doesn’t understand something, taking care of him when he gets sick, hyping him up when he starts a new hobby, and so much more. you do so much for him and sometimes he wonders if he’s doing enough for you, because he doesn’t ever want you to doubt his love for you.

with that though in mind he takes your face in his hands, forcing you to look at him while squeezing your cheeks slightly. you send him a questioning look, wondering what the hell is he doing, but he just kisses your forehead before speaking up.

“you’re so gorgeous.” the compliment takes you by surprise and your eyes widen slightly.

“where is this coming from?”

“well you are. and i love you so much.” you know kirishima likes to compliment you and let you know how he feels about you, but this time feels different.

“babe what are you-”

“thank you for taking care of me and loving me, for making my days better and for believing in me,” his thumb caresses your cheek and you instantly lean in to his touch, your eyes focused on his. “you mean everything to me and i genuinely don’t know what i’d do without you. so i promise to never leave your side, to love you until my last breath and possibly even after that.” your breath hitches in your throat when you notice how serious he is, not missing the passion that drips from his words. 

you can feel tears forming in your eyes so you distract yourself by kissing kirishima roughly, pulling at the ends of his red hair and bringing your body impossibly close to his. he groans against your mouth when you press down on his lap, pulling away to give you a few more kisses before flipping you over so you’re laying under him. a smirk grazes your lips at the change of positions and before he can continue with whatever it is he wants to do, you kiss his cheek gently. kirishima blushes and looks away from you, but you just smile.

“i love you, eijirou.” the way his heart flutters when he hears his first name leaving your lips it’s actually embarrassing and he wastes no time before connecting your lips again and pouring all of his emotions into it. 

if there was one thing both of you were 100% certain about was your love for each other, because you knew that no matter what happened, whether you broke up in the future or not, you would always consider him your soulmate. 

[okayoonoh]

KUN’S FAMILY

here’s the fifth part of this series! kun’s family is honestly so adorable :)))

here’s the masterlist for all things nct dad related! there’s more parts to this that you guys can read so go and check them out!

QIAN KUN

he has 2 daughters, qian lei and qian fen. lei is 5 years older than her little sister, fen.

QIAN LEI: >> as a baby <<

she stole kun’s heart from the second she let out her first breath

she’s kun’s princess and he’s 100% taken by her

she was a little more on the fussy side

but kun was there to make sure she was okay 

through and through

kun was an amazing father from the start

like he didn’t really read a lot of parenting books, he only read like one

he was naturally an amazing father

he knew how to deal with everything with lei

like all of nct would be amazing fathers

but kun is honestly like the best

the boys would go to him for parenting advice

kun would know everything and have an answer to all of their questions

anyway

lei was a pretty normal baby

she was born prematurely and was really sick :,(

she had to stay behind in the hospital for a little bit

you were really sad and panicked a lot, but kun took this news very well

he was nervous, but he was supportive for you and he gave you a shoulder to cry on

thank goodness he was strong for you

because his strength let lei get better faster than expected

she was so tiny as baby

kun held her so delicately

like she was made of fine china

hehehe puns

anyway

because she was sick, she was pretty fussy

there were many nights that she kept you up because she was so uncomfortable

kun would wake up for all the hours of of the night to comfort her

like you know the video of the toddler crying and the dad straight up climbs in her crib and sleeps in the crib with his toddler?

kun would do stuff like that

because kun sang to her a lot whenever she’d cry, she started developing her love for music at this early age

>> as a child <<

kun taught her how to play piano and it’s her favorite instrument

she learns how to write songs at this age

she’s really good at the piano and she has the sweetest voice

you and kun put her in all of the advanced piano classes

she loves it

as a child, she was pretty competitive with piano and music

she’s the type of girl that like is really studious

she just wants to make you guys proud

and she does, and you let her know that

but she still works hard to 

she’s best friends with lucas’s oldest son, wong liwei (they’re born the same year)

they became close because they spent so much time together growing up

they’re almost polar opposites, but they’re still close friends

liwei is kinda dumb lol

lei is really smart

so she tutors him

liwei respects lei and he listens to her

lei is a little more on the mellow side

she’s friendly and a little more quiet

she gets along well with everyone, but she especially gets together well with taeil’s oldest daughter, moon yoojin

they’re both rather quiet so they bond over that

while akari, noah, kaleb, etc. were playing, yoojin and lei would stay back and read together

(read the other parts if ya wanna learn more about the other kids ;))

lei was really bad at sports because of it lol

even still, she was still crazy smart

she always thinks logically 

her music was actually really beautiful, but she lacked the emotions

everything would be technically perfect, but it lacked the human aspect

she was devastated because she thought she got everything perfect

liwei helped teach her how to be more emotional with her stuff

and she started looking at love and beauty in the world

like she took in the love kun and you have for each other

she took a step back and learned about the love she has for her sister 

the love she has for liwei

she just took all of that and expressed her emotion through her music

that was the last step she needed until she became truly great

this is how liwei and lei truly became best friends

it’s because he taught her that it’s okay to have emotions lol

she learned how to love better because of it :)

>> as a teen/adult <<

she became a well known song writer

she doesn’t necessarily want to be an idol herself

but she does enjoy helping them write songs

she really loves jazz and wants to increase the complexity of music

she doesn’t really want her music to be cookie cutter music

a lot of ballad singers go to her for music

because her music is really complex and beautiful

taeil’s son, moon seojoon, did a whole album with her

all of the kids who do stuff with music work with her

piano is her main instrument, but she knows how to play so many more

music is her life

she views music in a philosophical sense

(i also view music like this so imma get a little philosophical on y’all lol)

she knows that music lives on past any of us

and it’s this higher thing that isn’t ours

lei learned that, and that’s why her music is so good

she’s friendly and kind, but she knows how to be professional and how to treat music with respect

she will never ever trash people for their style tho

like there are a couple kids who became idols

and she supports them 100%

she’ll teach them about music if they’re curious

she’s respectful and supportive and will never tear anyone down because they don’t believe in the same things she does

she’ll go to nakamoto yui’s flower shop whenever she needs inspiration

she knows how to write all types of music tho

like she can make a sick beat

or make a killer rock piece

her favorite style to make is jazz

liwei is still her best friend at this point

he still learns a lot from her

she learns from him too

honestly, he’s her muse lol

like and he’s so kind about everything

he could listen to her talk for hours about this new theory she discovered

and like he won’t really understand a word

but he’ll still listen

whether they get together or not, they still are each other’s best friend

they compliment each other so well

lei writes songs for you and kun all of the time

kun even writes songs with her whenever he can

he’s so proud with all that his daughters have done

lei dedicates so many songs to the two of you

like ugh she’s just a really amazing music lover

QIAN FEN: >> as a baby <<

she loves all things that are soft

she’s also kun’s princess

he’s so happy he had 2 girls

he loves them oh so much

he wouldn’t trade any moment for anything

fen wasn’t sick at all

she was happy and healthy

she was also very tiny tho lol

she loved to eat everything

she wasn’t picking with anything either

fen would eat anything you put in front of her 

she was like always hungry too lol

she was tiny when she was born but she gained a lot of baby fat

she had the fullest cheeks

everyone wanted to squeeze them all of the time

she has dimples

you’re sure she got her dimples from kun 

but kun is sure she got her dimples because you guys kiss her cheeks so much

you nicknamed her mochi because of her cheeks

she was your typical baby

she loved to play

she loved to sleep

her favorite toys were her little plastic cooking toys

kun hated every moment he was away from his two princess

he truly did spoil the heck out of them

the girls got along with each other really well too

when you were pregnant with fen

lei would attend to your every need

like while kun is cooking for the family

lei would go and make you some tea because your belly made it hard for you to stand up without someone’s help lol

like lei was a really good older sister to fen

fen didn’t really complain a lot when she was watched by lei

she was just an all around chonky cutie :)))

>> as a child <<

she discovers that she loves cooking at this age

she’s really good at cooking too

like

she showed up on one of those kid cooking shows

she learned that this is what she wanted to do from an early age

fen discovered that food is yummy

and to make the yummiest food, you make it yourself

she’s best friends with lucas’s second son, wong liqiang

they became best friends because their born the same year

and fen went with lei a lot whenever they went over to lucas’s house

they’re the same age and they both agree that food is like the best thing ever

she loves your’s and kun’s cooking 

like no matter how good she gets

she’ll prefer your cooking over her’s any day

she loves to eat too

she loves to bake

she’s always baking cookies

like omg imagine

kun is busy with work

you’re also busy with work

lei is busy with practicing her piano or something

and liqiang and fen are just hanging out

they’ll make cookies together

and they’ll go by to everyone individually, delivering the cookies

they’ll be the cutest

with their big eyes, they’ll look up at you and say something like “good job for working hard! please take a cookie.”

those cookies were some of the best cookies you’ve ever had

fen is really caring and kind

she loves making people happy

she especially loves to make people happy through her cooking

>> as a teen/adult <<

she turned her love for cooking into a career

she becomes a well known chef

she goes to university to study the science of food

she owns her own cafe

she makes gorgeous sweets

fen doesn’t care for gourmet food

she used to 

she worked under a world renowned chef for a while and learned she didn’t really like it

it wasn’t fun

she wants her food to make everyone happy

and it does

liqiang and her open up a cafe together

it just has happy vibes throughout

they make yummy food

she makes sure she makes the recipes you and kun taught her

and those are some of her best ones

she comes to work everyday with a smile because she’s doing what she loves

all of the kids go to support her and liqiang’s cafe

they all collectively agree that her food is the best

a lot of food critics and reviewers love her food

even though she doesn’t own a gourmet restaurant, they still call it a must see when you visit the city she lives in

liqiang handles more of the business aspects of everything

they’re platonically best friends

liqiang also loves to make people happy

and if it’s through this business, then man, he’s satisfied

fen honestly just lives an amazing and full life where she does what makes her happy

lei supports everything she does

and fen supports everything lei does

they’re still really close together

fen cares so much about her friends and her family

she hates it whenever they’re sad

she knows that food heals all wounds

and she makes the best food

so if anyone ever wants to sad eat, go to her and she’ll take care of you.

---

honestly, lei and fen are just two of the nicest human beings because their father qian kun and you raised them so well :,)

i hope you guys liked it! i think i’ll take a small break writing the information about the kids and i might go and write some scenarios about them and their dads. we’ll see ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

if you wanna stay tuned, i don’t mind tagging you! just message me or comment that you wanna be tagged and i’ll tag you each time i update a nct dad thing, or just everytime i update in general, it’s your choice! this doesn’t bug me at all, it honestly makes me happy people want to read what i’ve got :)

anyway, doyoung’s family is up next! stay tuned you guys :)

- amy <3

[byeoltoyuki]

Heart like yours ⇾ JHS

↳Pairing : You x Hoseok

Genre : Fluff / Extra fluff?

Words: +5k

Summary : First your favorite book. Then, your favorite flowers. No doubt you had a secrete admirer. Now, you couldn’t help but wonder who was behind all those lovely presents. And maybe, you hoped that Hoseok was the one behind it.

A/N: Thank you my sweet cutie pie @virgin-snow​ for another moodboard, you know how much I loved it! And it’s absolutely your fault that the supposed 2 pages long story turned into something else. (I still love you tho).

*****

There was something about spring that made you feel extremely dreamy, lively, peaceful and so at ease with your mind. And at the same time, spring brought an eerie atmosphere to the world. Birds were back, singing their songs every morning. Flowers were slowly showing themselves while trees came back to life. The park nearby your college was not an exception. It gave you inspiration and you felt the itch in your fingers to draw.

And it was exactly what you did every Wednesday afternoon for the past month. You would sit under a cherry blossom tree, your sketchbook and pencil on your laps. The view was astonishing with flowers blooming all around the place, the gentle breeze spread the petals of cherry blossom all around the place looking almost as if it was fairy dust. You put on some slow music on your phone and then you just let your hand move on its own, letting your surroundings guide you. You were completely immersed in the drawing, pouring your feelings on the paper, you forgot everything including the fact that you were supposed to go back to class.

"There you are." A very familiar voice called from beside you and then, the next thing you knew someone plopped just next to you. "I knew you'd be here."

Of course Hoseok would know where to find you. He always did. You rolled your eyes at him as he disturbed your peaceful drawing cession. He knew it would upset you but he also knew that you would forgive him anyway -especially if he showed you his beautiful smile. You could never stay mad at Hoseok.

"Oh come on! Don't glare at me like that, Y/N!" Hoseok complained, whining like a child before poking your cheek playfully and earning a light groan from you.

"Stop that." You tried to dodge his attack but Hoseok was faster and wrapped an arm around yours, forcing you to stay close so he could keep poking you soft cheek.

"Hobi!" You whined in despair which only made him laugh louder.

"Aren't you like supposed to be in your art class in" Hoseok started saying and then checked his watch, "Fifteen minutes?"

Your eyes widened in shock, you hastily grabbed his wrist to check the time for yourself and when you realized that he was right and not simply messing with you, you panicked and let a low 'shit' escape your lips. Hoseok chuckled at your reaction, absolutely not surprised by how you forgot all about your classes despite art class being your favorite.

You threw everything back in your bag without caring much if it turned into a mess in your bag. Despite the park being close to the campus you had little to not enough time at all to arrive on time. You cursed under your breath for being so clumsy and pretty much unlucky. You should have known better since it happened all the time but you never learn - and nobody blamed you anyway.

Hoseok stretched his hand for you to grab and help you to get up from the ground. He gave you one of his most beautiful smile and if you weren't in such rush you would have probably melted right on the spot, instead you simply grabbed his hand. "Thanks."

"What would you do without me huh?" He joked, his grip on your hand suddenly tightening.

"Not much. Probably." You agreed without hesitation because it was the truth. Hoseok was always there for you, reminding you that you had classes, bringing smile on your face and you could actually go on about all the things he did for you. You simply smiled in return, gave his hand a gentle squeeze before finally letting go. "See you later, Hobi!"

But just before you could run away he shouted a 'don't run! You're going to fall!!' And he was right because shortly after he said that you tripped but caught yourself on time.

You were just too clumsy.

*****

By some kind of miracle or a help of some deity, you managed to get to your art class right before your teacher. You sighed in relief and dropped right onto your chair, wiping some sweat from your face before something caught finally your attention. Right before you laid a book you were all too familiar since you kept borrowing it from the library -instead of buying your own version. You stared at the book for another good five minutes, your brain had long stopped functioning to the point that you hadn't noticed that your teacher started talking about a new project. At least until your friend shoved you playfully.

"You've been staring at the book for like five minutes, Y/N. It's almost creepy." Your friend commented but with a playful smile. "Did you borrow the book again and forgot it last time in class?"

"No."

"Oh? That's weird."

You nodded few times completely agreeing. Hesitantly, you took the book in your hands, brushing the soft cover with your thumb before finally opening the first page; a small note fell from it.

"I know how much you love A walk to remember. Why is it that you like sad stories hm? Now at you least you can stop borrowing it and just have this one with you."

Your eyes darted back and forth between the book and Soomin, wondering if it was some kind of joke, after all they did make fun of you for always borrowing this book instead of actually buying it for good.

"Is it from you, Soomin?" You finally asked

"Huh?" She asked confused before leaning closer and seeing the note. "Nope. I'm broke if you remember."

"Right." You actually rolled your eyes at her excuse that was only half valid but you let it go. Soomin had absolutely no reason to give you a present without clearly writing her name on the paper which made you only question further of who was behind this present. "Guess I'll find  out another time."  

But 'another time' never came up. No matter how much you thought about it or asked your closed friends about the book, none had an explanation. After two days of thinking, you decided to just give up, thanking whoever was behind this present for the attention. Yes, it was a little disturbing how well the person knew you but it was still a nice surprise.

Except it didn't really stop with the book.

The next surprise came barely two days later when once again you joined your art class right after lunch. A bouquet of pink roses laid on your usual sit with another small note stuck around the bouquet. You glanced all around the place, almost wanting someone else to be inside the class and tell you that it was for them - except you were alone and were pretty sure it was for you.

"I wondered for a moment which roses I should get you. I know you like them but it was still hard to chose! You like pink, right? So I hope you enjoy these."

And just like the previous time, it was printed instead of handwritten which made your investigation only harder. It was nice, you couldn't deny it. You felt your heart swell with fondness as you took sit and grabbed the bouquet of flowers. The pink roses were freshly mixed with some  white daisies. The bouquet was absolutely lovely and you couldn't stop yourself from bringing the bouquet closer to your nose -stop yourself from putting your face right into the bouquet just so you could smell the nice scent of flowers.

"Thank you." You said to no-one in particular. It didn't matter that nobody was here to witness your gratitude or the soft smile that painted your face while you looked at the bouquet.

*****

"Have you guys heard that our little Y/N over here has a secrete admirer? Not like I can blame him, she's absolutely adorable and lovable." Soomin brought all the attention on you. Here you thought you would have a peaceful movie night at Jimin's place -like almost every Sunday night, but Soomin had other plans for you.

You hated how all the attention had shifted on you. Soomin exchanged a rather knowing look with Jimin -without a doubt he knew something too, and you didn't like it. You loved your friends. Really. But sometimes they could be too annoying for your liking -which was probably why you loved them in the first place but you couldn't possibly admit it out loud, not now, not ever.

"As in a guy is crushing on her but is too shy to confess openly?" Jimin wiggled his brows playfully at you but looked back at Soomin. "I'd be shy to confess too. Y/N looks like she'd eat a guy alive."

"She's going to eat you alive, yeah." Soomin chuckled and pointed at you.

Soomin was right. You could bear the teasing whenever it came from Soomin or Hoseok but whenever Jimin teased you, you would slowly lose your calm demeanor. Just like right now. You were openly staring at Jimin. Or more like shooting daggers.

"I'm not lying though! Y/N looks either sleepy or angry whenever she's alone so of course a guy would be scared to approach her!" Jimin tried to defend himself

"Well those guys are cowards!"

"Hey! I'd be scared too!" Then he glanced at you. "No offense."

You were very tempted to say 'none taken' because you never took Jimin seriously, but that would only push him to tease you more, so instead you grabbed a pillow and without mercy started hitting him hard right on the face, making him squeal. His arms flew right before his face to prevent your hits from hurting him any further but it was of no use. Maybe you looked frail and innocent but sometimes your strength became inhuman and Jimin had to face your wrath.

"Have mercy!" He begged while Soomin and Hoseok couldn't help but laugh at the childish fight that happened too often anyway just because Jimin knew how to rile you up. "Soomin! Stop laughing and help me!"

"Oh no babe. You deserved that one."

Hoseok was the one who took pity on him and decided to put a stop to the fight by wrapping both of his arms around your waist and pulling you back against him. Maybe if you weren't so into the fight you would have realized what Hoseok did, but instead you tried to free yourself so you could launch yourself back on Jimin.

"See! You're scary!" Jimin cried out and jumped from the couch to put some good distance between you two.

"You're such a baby!" Soomin joked

"You're terrible, Jimin." You complained and finally let go.

You flopped down on the couch only to realize that your back was not pressed against a soft back of the couch but against a rather toned chest and only then you noticed the pair of strong arms wrapped around you. Your whole body froze and you became awfully aware of how warm Hoseok felt against you or of how gently he held you against him, absolutely unbothered. You didn't realize you were holding your breath until you heard how hard your heart pounded and it made you only even more self-conscious. What if he could hear the frenetic beating of your heart too? It was too embarrassing so you didn't dare to move.

Hoseok made things easier for you. Once he was sure that you were not going to bounce back at Jimin, he slowly let go of you and sat back comfortably on the couch.

"I think it's cute." Soomin ignored Jimin's complaining about how badly you had hurt him and how badly he needed her attention and looked at you. "Whoever is crushing on you must be a romantic. The book? Your favorite flowers? He knows you well enough."

"Wouldn't that mean that it's someone close to her though?" Jimin dared to say before carefully getting back on the couch but still putting some distance between you two. Just in case. "It's not me I swear!"

"I'd be the one doing the beating if it was you." Soomin glared at him and it was enough for Jimin to sheepishly smile at her and wrap his arms around her body, nudging her cheek with his nose. "Yeah, yeah, be the cute guy now."

"I know I am." Jimin proudly said before shifting his attention back on you. "So. What are you going to do if this guys gathers the courage to confess? I'm genuinely curious."

"Shouldn't it depend on who's the guy?" Soomin said before you could even think about any logical answer.

You couldn't believe this conversation was still going on when all you wanted was to go back to the so called movie night. You didn't want think any further about the secret admirer -probably because of Hoseok's presence and that maybe you have been harboring a little crush on him.

"I swear to god, Jimin, you're so annoying. Soomin, why do you date this dumbass?" You cried in frustration which only made Jimin even more proud of himself as he smirked at you.

Annoyed and desperate, you pulled the blanket high enough to hide your face and muffle your groan. Please someone, save me. This situation was getting too embarrassing for you.

Hoseok chuckled at your lame attempt to hide from the world and from your friends. It wasn't the first time that he witnessed such fight and with you ending up even more embarrassed. He found it adorable how your cheeks would flare up. How you would try to look threatening with your brows furrowed.  He circled his arm around your shoulders this time and pulled you closer against him, making sure you were comfortably settled against him before he patted your head gently.

"Well, aren't you cute?" Jimin cooed at you two

"What? You want a hug too? Come here!" Hoseok only laughed and made some kissy face knowing all too well that it would make Jimin stop from bothering you.

"Ew, hell no."

*****

Despite the movie night, when the morning came, you couldn't stop the sick feeling creeping inside you. Your mind was completely consumed by your art project that was due to today and even if you had finished it three days ago, you were still not so sure about the result. At first, it seemed nice. Far from perfect but acceptable for your liking. Now? Now, you weren't so sure. It was rather well known that artists whoever they were, were harsh to their work and you were no exception. Now that you stared at the canvas you were far from satisfied with your work.

Your head started throbbing, your hands turning suddenly sweaty and you felt nauseous just at the thought of going to class. Your mouth went dry as you contemplate your work. No, it wouldn't do. You couldn't bring this to your art class. You knew you could do better and you wanted it to show to everybody but sadly for you, you had no time left to start over.

"Shit."

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath. You were overthinking again. You were being harsh towards yourself once again. You knew all of that and yet it was still hard to comfort yourself and think about something good.

You can do it.

And it seemed that you weren't the only one thinking that.

The moment you opened your door, ready to leave, you managed to stop yourself on time from stepping right into a small basket on the floor. There were chocolate, different kind of cookies and blueberry muffins, some fresh drink and of course a small note.

"This is sooooo unhealthy! But I know you love those. And I know you're stressed. Don't be. You underestimate yourself! I know you can do it. You will show them all how amazing and talented you are. When they'll see the result? I'm sure they will be completely bewildered! So take a breath? You'll be fine."

You choke on the note. You still of course had no clue about the identity of your secrete admirer but whoever it was you felt incredibly grateful for their words. It was encouraging and sweet and suddenly you didn't feel so down or disappointed. Your grip on the piece of paper only tightened as a small smile spread on your face.

"Fine. I definitely can do it."

And you did. You rocked the whole project, astonishing your teacher and your classmates. You had painted a landscape, nothing out of ordinary, nothing spectacular on the first glance -and especially for those who knew nothing about art, but those who knew couldn't ignore the details. They couldn't ignore your use of paints, your perfect use and mixing of colors giving to your painting an eerie vibe, turning the ordinary landscape into something more.

You left your classroom with a huge and proud smile on your face that only widened at the sight of Hoseok leaning against the wall as he waited for you with crossed arms. He, too, couldn't stop the smile spreading on his lips as he saw how happy you looked. There was no need of asking how it went, the answer was written all over your face.

But maybe you had underestimated your own joy and how more confident you felt because before Hoseok could even greet you, you jumped happily at him, circling your arms tightly around his waist as you yelled a 'I did it!'

You were so terribly lost in your own happiness that you hadn't noticed how Hoseok pulled you a little closer to him, one arm wrapped around you while his free hand ran through your hairs, gently brushing them. Maybe you would have noticed how fondly he was smiling at you and how his eyes were shining brightly.

"See? You had nothing to worry about." Hoseok looked down on you without stopping brushing your hair. You moved your head so you could look at him and see his beautiful face and only then you realized what you had done.

"Sorry!" You almost jumped away from him, too embarrassed and yet still incredibly happy. You felt your cheeks burning as you looked at him and gave him an apologetic smile. "I got carried away."

"I don't mind." Hoseok chuckled. "Want to grab a drink? I think you deserve one."

You couldn't say no.

To your biggest surprise your usually so crowded little café near your campus was almost empty which was definitely odd considering the fact that it was the middle of the afternoon and that most of students would just come here to study in a better atmosphere than the library -though in your opinion it was debatable. You nervously glanced back at Hoseok, almost expecting a some kind of explanation coming from him, except there was none. It seemed that for once students decided to spend their afternoon somewhere else and he looked pleased with this fact.

"Have a seat and I'll order. I guess you want your usual Mocha Coffee?" Hoseok asked despite knowing already your answer.

Maybe you were a little predictable. Or maybe he knew you too well. Either way you nodded your head, your cheeks rosy, you let him order while you spotted a nice table by the window. It was a habit, whenever you were at a café or restaurant you needed a table close enough to the window so from time to time you could observe the outside world.

You felt still high after the presentation of your canevas, butterflies erupting in your stomach as you thought back about your teacher's comments and your classmates enthusiasm.  It had already made your day. But now that you were at a café with Hoseok, you felt delighted, ecstatic and the idea of spending some quality time alone with him made it only better.

"And here comes your Mocha." Hoseok put your drink on the table before sitting down.

"Thank you." You cursed yourself for stuttering. You shouldn't feel so damn nervous around him, after all you have been friends long enough but it was Hoseok and your little crush for him made things a tiny bit more difficult. But before you could think of something else to say, a song stopped you right in your track.

It was, obviously, normal for the café to play many hot trends, except instead of playing a recent hit, it was an old song that started playing. A song that had a particularly strong effect on you. Dripping tears by Son Dam Bi. You hadn't heard this song for a while but the moment you heard the first notes of the song, you recognized it straight away. You jerked in your seat, surprised at first and then you looked with curiosity at the waitress who only smiled in return.

The mix of the song and her smile made your heart pounding crazily in your chest.  

*****

"Hey Soomin." You moved in her bed so you were laying on your side, head pressed in the palm of your hand, you watched her getting ready for her date with Jimin. You didn't really understand why Soomin so stubbornly insisted on needing your help and opinion, especially when Jimin loved her in whatever she decided to wear anyway. "I was wondering about the secret admirer."

"What about him?" She looked at you through the mirror as she was trying her fifth outfit of the afternoon.

Your confidence slowly wavered as you caught Soomin's knowing look, she grinned widely and for a moment you wondered if she already knew what you were about to ask. You straightened up on the bed and scowled at her with crossed arms.

"Maybe it's Namjoon." Soomin, this time, turned around to face you properly. "He has been awfully nice to you."

"He's nice to everyone." You protested

But Soomin had a point. Yes, Namjoon was incredibly friendly with almost the whole campus -not many could resist his dimples and his brain, but it was also true that he had been paying you a little more attention lately. But no matter how handsome and nice he was, you weren't thinking about him at all.

You grabbed a pillow and pressed it tightly against your chest, your legs crossed, you pouted. "Fine. It can be him."

"I know right? He has been giving you the puppy eyes for the past two weeks." Soomin seemed to have completely forgotten about her date and how she was supposed to get ready. "But you wanted to say something else, right?"

You bit your inner cheek, not so sure about your question. Soomin, on the other hand, smiled and squatted down before you, grabbing gently both of your hands.

"Come on. Tell me your thoughts. You know I'm just messing with you."

You knew she did.

"Do you think it can be Hobi?" Your cheeks flare up at your admission. There was no going back.

"Oh."

Soomin gave your hands a comforting squeeze.

"Do you think it's him or do you want it to be him?"

*****

There were days you wished you could just stay home, tucked in your bed with some shitty TV shows and definitely tons of absolutely unhealthy snacks just so you could forget all about the  outside world. You wanted to loath in self-pity, far from your friends' eyes. Sadly, when those bad days came you had to spend them in class, surrounded by people you didn't want to see. Knowing all too well that nothing good would come out of this day.

Today happened to be worse than ever.

You started your day by not waking up before 10 a.m, no matter how hard your alarm rang or how many times Soomin called, you heard none of it. It resulted in you missing your first class which wasn't that bad. Except it didn't stop there.

Not only you arrived late in your next class but it had also completely slipped out of your mind that you had a test. That you obviously failed.

You thought it stopped there? It didn't.

After you had left your class, dejected, you barely managed to get out of the main building that the strap of your bag broke which resulted in your bag falling on the ground, some of your stuffs rolling of your bag. If from outside your face was blank as you stared at your bag on the floor, from inside you were screaming in frustration and despair.

When lunch came, you tried as hard as possible to get away from people just to avoid any possible chaos and danger for yourself. It worked for about ten minutes. You were so desperate to get back home while holding your bag in your arms that you forgot to pay attention on your surrounding which resulted in you bumping a guy who ended up spilling all of his coffee on your shirt.

"Shit! I'm sorry!" The guy apologized immediately. "Are you ok?"

You were not ok. It was the last straw, your sanity had left you for good.

"It's fine." You managed to say despite your voice being awfully low and shaky.

You were far from being fine but you needed to get out of there as far as possible before you would start crying in the middle of the campus. You gave the guy a reassuring smile before going your way. You had only one thing on your mind: the need to get home. For once you didn't care about classes, you didn't care if you had forgotten about any other tests -you would fail anyway, going home was the only acceptable option.

Desperate to get out of this place as soon as possible, you didn't notice how you passed by Hoseok without noticing him or how you didn't notice the huge rock on the ground. At least until your feet hit it and you stumbled. A silent scream escaped your mouth, you pictured already your totally ungraceful fall, except it never came thanks to a hand that grabbed your arm, tightly, before pulling you right into someone's arms. Despite your numb mind, you still managed to recognize Hoseok's scent that surrounded you.

"Careful pumpkin." He whispered, one hand still holding your arm while the other ran through your hair, soothing you as best as he could.

His presence should have brought a smile on your face or at least appeased you, but you were far too gone and before you could even start thinking about what to say, the first tears started rolling down your cheeks. There was no way you could hold back any longer so you let it go.

"Rough day huh?" Hoseok could count on the fingers of one hand how many times he witnessed your breakdown. You would never show it to people, too proud, too shy to bother others but he was glad that for once it happened in his presence so he could make you feel better. "It's gonna be ok, pumpkin." He wrapped his arms around your frail body, pulling you even closer to him, his head rested on top of yours as he rocked you gently, humming a melody. "It's just a bad day. You'll be fine. I'm here."

*****

Two whole weeks passed in a blink of an eye. Two weeks of pure torture which came in form of exams, endless projects presentations and many sleepless night. Two weeks without any news of your secret admirer. At first it didn't bother you that much, your mind was busy with the exams as well, but then, when you took a little break your mind wandered and you couldn't help but feel disappointed. No matter what you had told Soomin, you really hoped for the secret admirer to be Hoseok. Except he didn't give you any signs of being the one.

With a long and tired sigh, you rolled in your bed, pushing the books you had been studying for another exam. Two more days and you would finally be free. Two more days before you could forget about everything and sleep.

⎪Hobi  

[8:30pm]

Are you still alive?

⎪Hobi  

[8:30pm]

Because I'm sure as hell ready to die :( those exams are teeeerrrible

⎪You  

[8:31pm]

I think my soul is about to leave my body.

⎪Hobi  

[8:31pm]

That bad huh.

⎪Hobi  

[8:32pm]

Then, what are your plans for after the exams?

⎪You  

[8:32pm]

Sleep.

⎪Hobi  

[8:32pm]

All the time?

⎪You  

[8:33pm]

Yeah. I have 2 weeks of sleep to catch on.

⎪Hobi  

[8:33pm]

Aww, poor pumpkin

⎪You  

[8:33pm]

Yes, poor me :(

⎪Hobi  

[8:34pm]

Then, does it mean, you won't want to see me? :(

⎪You  

[8:34pm]

????

⎪Hobi  

[8:35pm]

I wanted to ask you for a date.

You choked at his last message. For a second you wondered if it was someone else messaging you and not Hoseok but after a quick check, there was no doubt that those messages were from Hoseok.

⎪You  

[8:40pm]

I would never say no to you Hobi. So when?

Two hours later and you still had no reply from  Hoseok. It bothered you and it worried you. Was he busy? Did he forget to answer? Maybe he was just joking around? So many questions were running through your pretty head that none were answered in the end.

At least till two days later.

It was the final day, the day of liberation, of pure freedom. A day that your secret admirer had a comeback by leaving a pink envelope on your table. The moment you spotted it from the entrance, your whole body froze. Unable to breath, unable to move, unable to think, your mind was completely numb until someone pushed you lightly out of their way, making you stumble.

"Sorry." But you barely heard the apology as your eyes was glued to the baby pink envelope.

As you got to your place and with shaky hand you took the envelope. Inside there was a golden ticket for an amusement park. And just like many times a small note came with it, except this time it was handwritten. And handwriting that you were all too well familiar.

"Let's have this date tomorrow?"

Your heart missed a beat as the realization dwell on you.

No, it was not a coincidence.

No, it was not some kind of tricky game that your brain played on you.

Hoseok was the romantic, caring, secret admirer.

⎪You  

[8:55am]

I'm more than ready for this date.

[saiangelo999]

2019 T.v. show Tracker

Part 2

Animes

Mo Dao Zu Shi

Finished it. Read the novel. Checking out the Cdrama (The Untamed). Obsessed. Watch it, it’s worth it. 

Currently watching season two! Jing Ling is so precious and all the chibis are SO CUTE!

Dororo

In progress (~episode 20) - Love it so far! Excited to see where it goes!

Update: Dororo was always precious but I just appreciate this child more and more as the episodes continue. I really enjoyed the lighter episode with the opposite village and the swordsmaster. Also, I am glad that Itachi finally died... but tbh I can’t hate him. Dororo is soo forgiving, my precious child. 

Edit: Completed. Enjoyed the story and the way that it was wrapped up.

My Roommate is a Cat

Completed - Loved it! Super cute, fluffy and touching. Fun to watch! Really enjoyed the show and REALLY want more! Please make a season 2!!

Fruits Basket 2019

It’s definitely doing its job of hitting the heartstrings true to Fruits Basket lore (I loved the manga). That opening (1) tho is so depressing really setting the mood for the show I guess... I’m excited for more and aware of the pain that is yet to come. But I am excited (and hopeful) to see them do justice to the plot this time. Update: s1 is almost over and I really enjoyed it! 

One Punch Man

Loved it!! Finished season one! It was way too short... Will watch season two when all the episodes come out! I actually found the show to have a lot of parallels with The Disastrous Life of Saiki which could be the reason that I enjoyed it so much. I really don’t know how all the fans who watched it when it was first released could have waited so long for season two.

Ruroni Kenshin

Randomly started it cuz I was planning on watching it for a while and it was on Netflix so I thought - why not. Liking it so far but I haven’t gotten very far yet so it’s hard to form an opinion atm.

Dramas

Bad Guys

Completed - Good Binge. 

It was very addicting, very interesting premise that captured my attention initially. It’s a good binge, but around episode 10 the show, the show sort of fizzled out for me. The hitman’s storyline (Jung woo) was a bit too melodramatic for my taste and was a bit off-putting, however I absolutely loved the psychopath’s story. That definitely kept me hooked throughout. One huge plus of this show is the action, and it is a lot of fun to watch if you don’t think about the show too much.

Gibo to Musume no Blues

Completed - Loved it!  I’d highly recommend it!

This show was so adorable and so sweet and fun to watch from start to finish. I really enjoyed this slice of life and the warm stepmother and stepdaughter relationship throughout the show. It was very heartwarming to watch. I loved how all the characters were treated with respect and didn’t seem like hollow caricatures, I liked the relationships portrayed in the show and the general warmth that this show had throughout.

I am still not over what happened to Ryoichi :( , but I can say that I absolutely loved every single character in this show. The baker definitely grew on me more and more throughout the later half of the show and he became very lovable. Overall, this was a great drama that I am glad I checked out!

Children of Nobody/ Red Moon Blue Sun

Completed - Loved it! 15/10 would recommend!

This drama was really really gripping. I like how the story didn’t feel very formulaic, and I admit I was quite unsure what was going on in the first 2 or so episodes. But once the plot line was set in motion, I was along for the ride. One huge reason for that is probably the main character Cha Woo Kyung, she won me over very quickly and her backstory was very intriguing. I also really like Yi Kyung’s character as well as his team, though it did take me a while to warm up to him. The children all did a phenomenal job as well - I especially like Ha Na and Si Wan’s acting.Si Wan is another huge factor that kept me watching, the child actor did a great job!

One thing I definitely appreciated with this show was how morally grey all the characters were, it made them more relatable. If I were to compare it to similar mystery/crime kdrama’s I’ve seen, I think so far this would rank the highest - the plot was engaging, the characters were interesting, there was absolutely ZERO focus on developing a romantic relationship and the topic - abuse (child primarily) was handled well.

Her Private Life

Really loving Ryan Gold so far!! He’s actually super considerate and kind? Love it! Quite like the female lead as well. Love her relationship with her best friend, they are absolutely adorable! Not too happy about what I heard about the Eun Gi thing where they did the Reply staple of making the viewers assume that he’s her brother only to find out he’s interested in her romantically and that they aren’t blood-related... why is this trope so popular? This reminds me a lot so far of Reply 1997. 

Update: show is moving on in a very cliche way... extremely predictable so far. Will maybe stick w it bc I love Ryan’s character and the couple are adorable. TBH I didn’t start this for the plot. Another gripe that I have is just why do kdramas always do the thing where the main couple are meant to be and met during their childhood? I don’t get why that’s so popular... But I do respect the fact that Ryan’s real mom did not abandon him and that arc was resolved quickly.

Overall, it was better than a lot of other dramas in this genre and it was done with much less unnecessary drama. I appreciated how the side characters were handled and liked that they were given time to have their own sub-plots. A decent show all in all.

The Fiery Priest

Loved it! I like the mix of the action and comedy that was showcased in the show. I found this show to be very similar in the plot structure, comedy (to an extent) and characterizations to Chief Kim so I enjoyed the show a lot and had a pretty good idea of what to expect from the show. It’s a fun show that keeps you hooked for more, and like Chief Kim don’t expect any romance between characters to really develop.

Angel’s Last Mission: Love

Shin Hye Sun is just gorgeous, omg. She’s also a really good actress. I really liked seeing her in this role coming out of watching Still 17 to see the sheer difference in personality. I am enjoying the contrast. Also, I like her chemistry with Myungsoo. I don’t care for the second lead nor can I bring myself to empathize with him. I also am somewhat disappointed with her family sub-plot because so far it seems pretty cliche so I’m hoping for a plot twist or two. 

DNF. 

Project S The Series: Spike

I FINALLY finished it! Really loved it. Great acting, loved the pace of the show and how realistic it felt. I really liked watching the team come together and grow together. The few female characters were a delight - Jern is so lovable and adorable. Bright is very sweet and does a lot for the team. Puen’s relationship with the entire team was interesting to see - his strong bond with Singha and now Than, his relationship with Jern and ofc his friends. Than’s relationship with his dad was also portrayed realistically right til the end. It’s a good watch, and I’ll definitely re-watch the series. 

Ao to Boku

So addicting, waiting for the last episode to be subbed. Please get subbed!

Update: it was subbed! Finished it! Enjoyed the drama overall. A nice mystery/friendship/slice-of-life one. Be warned that although there is a bit of mystery it is mainly a slice-of-life/friendship drama.

The Untamed

I enjoyed it overall (tho I did end up skipping over some episodes). I thought that it was a faithful adaptation to the novel considering the censorship issues. I love how they took out a lot of the explicit gay but still somehow made parts of the show gayer. Also I LOVE fairy. Fairy is an adorable fluffball that owns my heart <3.

DNF - He is Psychometric

Melo Suits Me/ Be Melodramatic

So... they really made one of the cutest love stories tragic huh. I’m really enjoying the show so far, I love the friendship between the main 4 leads. I am interested about the industry and I like the balance that the drama has with its humour, friendship, love and slice-of-life elements. I really like the actress and her manager couple they are so cute! I kind of wish I have more cute mother-son moments with the kid so hopefully in a future episode.

Update: Finished it! Liked the ending overall, had one minor qualm. I really liked the Director (Yeller) that was introduced. He was an unexpected delight and I love his dynamic with Eun Jung. I did like that they did end up subverting a romantic relationship and left it platonic. That was unexpected.

T.v. shows

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Season 6 - Finally finished it! Lot of fun, and enjoyed watching yet another season of the show. I really enjoyed their Cinco de Mayo heist this year and thought that was a lot of fun. I personally didn’t really feel Gina’s absence too much though her going away words were cute near the beginning of the season.

Broadchurch

Completed - Completely binged season 3! I love this show! 

I forgot how beautiful the cinematography in the show was! Their little village is gorgeous. It’s a bit jarring to watch it after a year or so because my memory of season 2 of Broadchurch was quite hazy. Nevertheless, I absolutely love this show. This season was very different from the previous ones, and it had a good build up but the final reveal of the culprit was quite... predictable. However, there was a twist that came with the reveal that came completely out of the blue. I liked the way Alec/D.I Hardy and Ellie handled the issue at hand and set an example of how cases of rape should be handled within the police force. It was also really nice to see Beth’s growth, the vicar and what Maggie were up to! I also enjoyed seeing Alec and his daughter’s relationship grow. Too bad its cancelled... here’s hoping that one day they’ll renew it. 

Stranger Things season 3

I personally liked it a lot more than season two because I felt that it had more growth from the characters. I liked Eleven’s character growth and how the dynamic of the relationships changed and seeing the kids grow up. But, I’m definitely getting a bit tired of this show... because although I did enjoy this season, I still feel that in a way it was redundant.

Derry Girls s2

I loved it! So funny. So adorable. Love the characters and the ridiculous situations that they put themselves in (or are put in). Sister Michael is still my fave, her lines are always pure gold.

Anne with an E season 3

Trying to keep track of it as it is airing on CBC. I missed the second episode :( But I watched episode 3 and the foreshadowing for the residential schools omg

[rkxblue]

happy #rkfifth !

i told myself i wasn’t going 2 do this b/c ... i’m lazy bean, but here we are anyway! let’s get it!

but anyways starting off rookies was kind of like a vacation to me, rp wise. before rk i had my own rp that lasted a while but during 2013, there was just some drama between members that i constantly had 2 deal with and honestly it was like ... dragging me down, making admining seem like a chore and i loathed logging on to the main b/c i knew there would be some shit w/ these certain people that i had to deal with. so seeing rk in the tags being a different kind of idol roleplay ( and shout out rk for being a trendsetter ) /and/ the fact that reserves were filling up so quickly for a new rp, i quickly sent in a muse.

and it was a little ... idk at first. i did feel out of place considering most came from a different rp in the beginning and i wasn’t, and on top of me being v awkward w/ talking 2 people on instant messengers, there was a bit of time where i felt like i didn’t fit in and almost dropped like 2 weeks after i joined, LOL. luckily at the time a lot of things were going on which helped w/ plotting and meeting new muses, and everyone was super friendly and nice and that’s what kept me here!!!

so then rk turned from a vacation you didn’t want to leave from -- i ended up slagging off p majorly on my responsibilities as an admin at my own rp for a while because i was having such a good time at rk -- it rly brought back my love for rp and muse and tbh if you look back at rksunyoung’s archive back in 2013 - early 2014, i don’t think i’ve ever written as much on tumblr as i did back then, LOL. rk has definitely had it’s ups and downs and i’ve dropped both of my muses before -- but it wasn’t too long before i was bringing them back because there really isn’t a place like rk within krp. that, along with the dedication between both members and admins, is why it’s lasted so long and is still thriving with a super active dash after five fucking years. that’s crazy!! i think i remember mei saying something similar on twitter -- but when i see old rp friends and they ask “omg ur /still/ at rk???”

so it’s obvious to see why this rp went from feeling like a vacation to a home, right?? it’ll always have a special place in my heart  ♡

anyways moving on to my characters too -- when i first brought rksunyoung, now miss rkxblue, i never thought that she would last more than a couple of months, much less be involved with so many things within rk’s history!! it’s ... p wild to think about, especially since i’m someone that has a hard time committing to hobbies and such. it’s been a fun ride watching her go from someone who was wild and reckless and had a problem with love and a little bit of anger issues to someone whos a lot more well rounded, a soft idiot LOL. she even finally got herself the sweetest boyfriend after four years of being shipless on the rp, which i still can’t wrap my head around because denying herself love and believing that it doesn’t exist was one of her /things/ for the longest time. the list of stuff she’s done is so long and now that it’s lead to her finally debuting it’s ... scary yet exciting for her, to be honest, she thought she’d be a trainee forever!! i’ve had a lot of ups and downs with her muse as well, to the point where there was like years ( i think ) of inactivity on my end and she should have 4238972389 more points than she does atm because of that. i do feel sorry for her b/c that was just me being lazy ofc, but in the end i’ve gotten my shit together on her and have been pumping out replies p consistently this year and plotting w/ trainees which has done wonders for her muse. and although hyomin was literally /the/ perfect fc for her considering her personality, the fc change 2 yura has also helped majorly with my muse and it’s been so much easier to plot and reply and even with her characterization too.

as for miss rknvna!! she hasn’t had as much development as sun, aside from her tumultuous rls with a former song minho and being a royal trainee during her first run, and that’s mainly been due to my laziness again jfkafl;a. the good thing tho is that i’ve finally been able to experience life as a rookie with her, considering the times my girls have become trainees were v quick ( sun’s first time was like a week or two after the rp opened, then 3 months after i rejoined w/ her, and nana became a trainee only a month after she joined the first time ) so it was nice to experience the freedom that came with being a rookie!! since 2018 has been sun’s year, i’m going to focus on nana for 2019 so that she can branch out more!!

i guess before i move on i should give shoutouts to all my other rkmuses throughout the years whose lives were so short that i can’t even remember their urls LOL -- my song jieun, park kyungri, goo hara, and choi jinri muses!! i’m sure there’s at least one more that i’m forgetting, but they all lasted around 2 weeks so...

but i also want 2 thank rk for allowing me to be more social as well!! i’ve said this in the last anniversary post i wrote 25238957 years ago but i used 2 have a phobia of sorts when it came 2 instant messengers, so i didn’t rly have one when msn was popping and therefore, didn’t talk 2 many people ooc wise in rps. i made an aim when i came to rk and just ... diving in and talking to people helped out a lot with that, even if i do still get anxious from time to time w/ just simply messaging people. :(

i’m a shy individual ( and for some reason its only exacerbated online??? idk fam ) and unconsciously rather private as well, so that definitely hinders me from making friends as much as i would like to, but it’s a day by day process!! it’s something i’ve come 2 terms w/ as of late and will seriously work on within the next year! but even w/ me being the way that i am, i’ve been able 2 meet a couple of people that have made my experience in rk just a little bit brighter so a ( very brief ) shout out 2 them ~

to maria ( @rkjinkis ) : my sweet angel!!! i’m so glad that rk brought us together because you’ve honestly become one of my closest friends from this rp and in general tbh!! ur so super sweet and caring and a blessing 2 my life, just as much as jinki is to ahyoung’s!! i’m sorry that sun is too independent for her own good but she’s working on it okay!! baby steps!! i love how genuine u are and how we can rely on each other through thick and then, and honestly i want the world for u and more. i love love love LOVE u so much, and i’ll make sure u never forget it!! thank u for being my friend and my source of happiness!!!  ♡ ♡ ♡ 

to hamin ( @rksoohyun ) : despite the fact that we knew each other from snu it was rk that actually got us 2 start talking and i’m so grateful for that!! u literally are the cutest girl in the entire world and ur just as outgoing irl as u are online; seeing morning musume ( a group i thought i would never see live ) w/ u was truly a highlight in my life!!! and ofc soohyun will forever be nana’s fuckin child and she’ll always be rooting for her happiness!! i love u u sweet buttercup and i can’t wait until ur back so i can talk 2 u again!!!  ♡ ♡ ♡ 

to mei ( @rkariel ) : man i admired u for the longest b/c i’ve always loved the way u write and ur characterization of tiffany / ariel, so when years ago nick told me that u were actually paying attention to the minana plot and threads i was so shook i nearly tripped over myself LMFAO. i’m happy that we actually started talking b/c of that tho!!! it’s so easy 2 write w/ u and i honestly have so much fun regardless if we’re just talking about our characters, getting carried away on dash or twitter, or hurting each other w/ headcanons!! ariel has become nana’s rock p much and w/o her i’m not sure how she would of fared her time w/ mino w/o her and their discussions!!! i hope that we can become closer in the future!!

to razel ( @rkcheri ) : hiya boo!!! ik we don’t rly talk anymore but i still wanted 2 mention u b/c u were one of my first friends in rk when i felt kinda lonely, and that was definitely one of the reasons i was able to stick around!! i loved writing w/ u b/c ur writing style was always so unique that i could actually point u out whenever we were in past rps together and it’s an honor 2 even write w/ u fjkalf;a. i’m sorry that sun is such a shitty friend and i’m looking forward 2 the day jihyun kicks her ass about not telling her about jinki b/c she deserves it LOL. but just, thank u!!!!

to amy ( @yienrk ) : are u surprised ur on here?? HAHA we don’t talk too much either but i do appreciate u checking up on me whenever i’m down and just generally being supportive and nice!!! also i’m in awe about how knowledgeable u are about idols in general ( i remember one of our first convos being about how sixteen came 2 be and the collapse of all of jype’s trainees and such ) and i love yien and nana’s supportive relationship too!! i can’t wait 2 see how they develop, and i hope 2 get closer 2 u in the future!! ; u ;

to eclipse girls ( @rkariel , @rkaudrey , @rkhaseul , @rkjennie , @rkyeri ) sun couldn’t of asked 2 debut w/ a better group of girls and i’m so glad that they harmonize w/ each other so well!! i’m excited 2 see what debuting brings for them!!  ♡ ♡ ♡

and a shoutout 2 snu crew too ( piper / hoonji, nanu, @rksang, @rktomu, @rksoohyun , @rkjinhwan94, @rkpcy ) : even tho ik majority of u probably won’t see this i’m still tagging and talking about y’all anyway!!! i have so much fun reminiscing w/ u guys whenever we can, and i’m happy that i’ve grown closer too u all as well!! i’m sorry i was such a shit admin back in the day, and what brought y’all together was bad circumstances, but i’m glad it’s something that we can all look back on and laugh at now. i miss being together w/ all of u at once but i hope y’all are doing okay!!!!  ♡ ♡ ♡

and naturally, the admods too!!! thank u guys for putting up w/ all my shit whenever i was in a slump or i sent in points late or fucked up the points ( honestly kyle u are such an angel for real LOL ), and for just keeping the rp in tip top shape!!! ur the back bone of rk and we couldn’t of made it this far w/ each and every one of u and ur contributions and dedication 2 the rp!!! i’m super proud of u guys and am proud 2 call u my admins!!!!  ♡

and ofc shoutout 2 everyone that i’ve ever plotted and threaded w/ in the past and present -- i’m super shit at replying 2 those in general so thank u for being patient w/ me even though i don’t deserve it. i don’t know how else 2 end this b/c i’m also super shit at ending things so uh.... happy fifth year anniversary rk!!! here’s to many more!!!

[loghainmactir]

hewwo! i was wondering if u could pls give me some advice on starting my transition? ive been so scared to start bc of family and costs but ive decided to just. do it. yknow? like if i don't ill probably die lol. u look amazing and rly confident in yourself in all ur selfies and one day i wanna be Like That ✌️❤️

hi! ok, so first of all: yeah, i absolutely can give u advice, and second of all: i remember feeling exactly like you did. it literally wasn’t that long ago, either, it was like. 2013/14/15 (i can’t remember, time is fake, whatever lmao!). third of all: bless u yr so sweet. i still have a lotta issues with confidence (i doubt myself, my talent and what i can do literally hourly), but honestly? i love my body right now. it’s a good, genderless body, goddamnit.

long, long post ahead bc i’m trying to think of things i did and good god please take it with a grain of salt because a lot of this is just me ranting about things i wish I’D done in my own position. i’m also coming from a place where HRT and surgeries AREN’T free, so that’s also A Thing. everyone’s experience is different.

transitioning (particularly medically) really super fuckin varies country by country (and honestly probably even state by state, age by age and fuckin gender by gender because cis people won’t let us fucking BE goddamn): i don’t know where you are, so my only tips there r: find a trans friendly doctor/endo (i was kinda forced to go through a hospital bc That Was How It Was here in good ol’ Australia), and one people wholeheartedly recommend, if you wanna go that route.

my first point is make sure you find safe spaces in every goddamn aspect of your transition. medically, socially, physically. if you think your doctor is refusing you treatment or is discriminating against you, you NEED to ditch that doctor. if your friends and family are really verbally or physically violent against LGBT folks, you NEED to leave that space if you can (or not come out and wait until you can leave. seriously. i’m kinda lucky– my grandma was verbally violent against LGBT folks, and initially my mum was skepitcal, but i convinced them both to go to a group for LGBT+ parents and friends and they slowly turned around). get yourself friends, get yourself allies.

i cannot stress that enough. my first doctor refused to send my referral letter to the royal children’s hospital gender clinic because even tho he presented as a “nice” guy, he believed that because this was “”””out of the blue”””” for me, he figured he’d just Not Send It (and tried to tell me that a lotta kids there didn’t actually helpo, lol). so there i was, a young 15-16 year old alister, waiting like 2-3 months for something that didn’t even get fucking sent.

join trans groups on facebook and in real life. seriously, they’re a godsend; there’s buy-and-sells, advice posts, encouragement posts. ESPECIALLY local ones. most of them on facebook are private, meaning no one can see if you’re posting/in the group, and it’s easy to check if they’re not. these fb pages + local groups are good ways to find trans friendly spaces and doctors. i found my current doctor, who’s actually one of the very few doctors who knows what the fuck he’s on about re: trans people, through a real life trans group. they were like “oh, you should see x”, and even though he’s about 30-40 minutes away from me, he’s brilliant and honestly saved my life.

along those lines: figure out what you want from your transition, and then realize & accept that this may change (and it also may not change!). very early on, i was super insistent that i wanted phalloplasty and to wear packers, and now i couldn’t care less. at first, i identified as agender, and then as a trans guy/ftm, and now i identify as a Black Hole (i’m kidding, don’t @ me). like, a lotta people DON’T change their minds. but i did, some people do, and it shouldn’t be anyone’s business but your own what you want to do with your body 

(sidenote: this also goes for detransitioning or stopping medical transition but continuing to socially transition/present differently. literally, it’s fine. it’s your body. fuck anyone who says otherwise.)

again: FUCK ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE.

your body is literally your body. do NOT let anyone tell you what to do with it or who you are. i had people very early on scream at me (legitimately scream and throw me out of home, thanks grandma), tell me i wasn’t actually trans, and harrass me for this shit: but frankly, if i’d put myself back in the closet, i wouldn’t be alive right now. i would’ve killed myself years ago, and i wish i wasn’t kidding. if it’s safe, you need to stand up for your own body and your rights and put yourself somewhere that will allow you to follow through. you need to keep going and keep living.

my only other two pieces of advice are “patience, baby”– like, for real, every single part of transition takes time. this varies from where you are and who’s supporting you, but it’s generally true. it takes time for people to accept new names and pronouns 

(lotta people get furious about this, and i used to be one of those people, but hindsight’s a bitch and you gotta realize that… like, it’s hard for some cis people. you gotta give them a little bit of wiggle room, especially if they’ve never ever met a trans person before. it’s about reminders, reminders, reminders: which is SO hard if you’re not safe/don’t have the confidence. there IS a flip side to this though: if chad and stacey have known your new pronouns for months, now, and they keep “””slipping””” up, they’re not slipping up, honey. they’re doing it on purpose. kick their teeth in i’m kidding please don’t do this you know what i mean.)

it takes time for HRT to kick in. it takes time to gather a Look™ of your own you like, it takes time to build confidence to even tell people, it takes time to save up money for surgeries and it just… takes time. sometimes because it’s a naturally slow process, sometimes because cis people are Cis People and like to gatekeep. i remember being very young in my transition, sitting in the car after one of my appointments with the afformentioned shithead doctor bawling my eyes out because he’d told me i wouldn’t be able to access t for x amount of time and it was bullshit. this year i’ll be 2 years on t. wild, huh? there’s a lot of us and not equal amounts of resources (ESPECIALLY in public systems) depending on where you are, so you gotta be prepared to WAIT.

i’ll tell you what super helped me through those years: hyping myself up for other things! i still have the ticket from my first twenty one pilots show. that show meant SO much to me. i cried all through it, because waiting for that show kept my mind off of the wait for my royal children’s appointments (and even waiting to go up to melbourne bc my mum and i would go and get kebabs was a good thing to focus on!). keep things that aren’t trans related on hand (seriously i struggled with this because dysphoria and shit is fucking hard!! it’s easy to say but really fucking hard to put into practice).

(one day i’m gonna tell tyler and josh just how much they saved my goddamn life. i know they hear it weekly, but i will.)

my other thing is that uh. it won’t solve all your problems especially if you’ve got mental illnesses. this is a really fuckin depressing thing i had to drill into my brain, but it really helped. transitioning solved SO many of my issues. i no longer have back issues (thanks, like, literal kilo titties, lmao), i no longer have sore ribs and i can breathe and wear shirts. i lost so much weight (and am kinda gaining it back, but whatever). i no longer have anxiety about whether people can tell i’m binding– which is WILD because i used to stress the fuck out about it to the point where i never went out anywhere. i used to sit on the bus wondering if the person next to me could tell i had titties. now it literally doesn’t even register.

my issues now stem from PTSD, depression, BPD and ADHD. how do you fix this? you don’t. but what HAS helped is finding a therapist who won’t pressure you into talking about trans shit. lemme tell you: this shit gets exhausting after the fifth time of “oh i googled ‘can you become a boy’ when i was, like, nine” (this is my go to story because this memory is so vivid). of course, there’s gonna be moments where you HAVE to: my therapist recently actively asked me to briefly run through it for my PTSD report. but otherwise we literally haven’t talked about it and that is a GODSEND (because i don’t need it. if you need it, that’s good, too!). having a therapist that you can just wordvomit at wrt anything is literally the best thing and can be super helpful– seriously, there were a few trans-related sessions where i just snarled about the bullshit gatekeeping and the bastard i had to see for my therapist letter (oooh, every time i think abt the fact that it was something like $400-500 for two fucking sessions i get so mad lol), but outta 14 it’s really only like 2-3 of them.

but yeah. that’s it. i dunno, these are things that i’ve learnt and sorta… like to think as helpful for myself. of course, this could be different for you: you’re not me, you’re entirely different, in no doubt an entirely different country, social, financial, mental state. i was FUCKED UP when i first came out. i didn’t know that then, but i do now. i spent a lotta time by myself and that’s not healthy, so i really encourage you to reach out to our community, local and worldly, because oh my god, we’re here for you. we are SO here for you.

[saportuh]

ok panic concert highlights

(plus some personal adventures)

this was the portland show on the 12th k

so it was a fuckin hour and a half drive bc where i fuckin live now is far away from everything i hate it anyway that sucked & i ran my phone down to 80 percent during said drive which proved problematic

we get there (me & my lil sis) & our dad drops us off & we run up & im bitching about how weird the fucking venue is (it’s normal, it’s just not what i’m used to - in vegas the venues were typically in the casino/resorts so you lined up inside the halls & sat against the walls & tourist-watched, in this venue u stood outside in a line???? ughhh)

so we approach the line & something happens, i’m gonna make a separate post about it because holy shit

befriended two excitable gay kids, maybe 8th or 9th grade?? & i was like woah i was u once. now im old & jaded. eugh. then they bailed on me so.

we got into the arena & were on the wrong fucking side so we had to JOG all the way AROUND THE WHOLE FUCKINGN PLACE UGH

THEN WE GOT IN & SAT IN THE WRONG SEATS so the guy next to me (dad w a thick accent, maybe ukranian?? it wasn’t russian but it was close) politely informed me & i was like fuck well until they get here we’ll stay, but i had anxiety so during an arizona song i pretended to go to the bathroom & came back to look for our actual seat, someone took it so i pussied out & went back, had hella anxiety about it, then before hayley the ppl showed up so we had to move & i had to kick some preps out of their seat & they called my lil sister a bitch ;-;

OK SO ONTO THE PERFORMERS

arizona was cute, gotta check them out... singer kept getting emotional & wiping his eyes, it was sweet, and he was hella feeling himself dancing & stuff lmaoo. idk em but im proud of them.

HAYLEYYYYYYYYYYY her dancing & drumming & outfit??? also all the lesbians/wlw getting crunk in the crowd was so damn good haha

ALSO shout out to hayley’s band, they were so cute??? the guitarist & her kept having moments & he seemed like a cool dude, & the girl on synths was so pretty omg??? & smiley i loved her. & the drummer, they were goin so hard i couldnt get a good look, but they had kewl hair

“if you don’t know anything about me, there’s one thing you should know: I LOVE GIRLS” there was so much gay energy at that show i was teary the whole damn time

k confession, i love everything about hayley but i find her voice a little grating on the ears, something about it, but it was super angelic live & didn’t bug me once, & wanna be missed fucked me up cuz it’s my fucking f a v

SHE DID THE DRUMMY IT WAS HOT 

her oufit was so damn iconic rlly tho, the pants & shoes totes fit her but wouldn't look good on anyone else, but that shirt, the hot dad look w the open v & all the jewelry, holy fuck that’s how im tryna be

during girls like girls, everyone had their lights out & there was a bunch of pride flags out, and i got this gorgeous shot of a gay pride flag illuminated by lights (i posted it)

most of the songs they played between the breaks were gay themed too which was powerful dude i was so damn emotional

then during the countdown to panic, they played the next episode by dre (the “smoke weed every day” song) & then africa by toto jsfndjfndjskfnjdk

THEN PANIC CAME OUT 

WHOLE ASS STRING & BRASS SECTION BDEN RLLY WENT THERE WOAH

KENNY & NICOLE WERE SO CUTE THE WHOLE TIME THEY KEPT GOOFING AROUND ESPECIALLY KENNY IT WAS ADORABLE

THEN BREB POPPED OUT THE DAMN FLOOR

ok several things about breb

one, i never was heavy into panic, but considering how obsessive i was into bandom a few years back, i still know a lot about early panic, livejournal shit, ryden bullshit, etc, so it was really weird being there with normies who were just like “he’s hot & sings good” when i was like “yall lucky fucks never heard of myrtle beach ” dsjfnjsdnfds

two, four years into panic & i never was attracted to brendon, but dude, EVERYONE fell in love with him at this show, myself included, & i was starin at this bitch ass motherfucker in a trance before i was like “wait ur a bastard STOP U ENDEARING DICKWAD” he was so fucking endearing it was ANNOYING cuz i’ve seen some of the shit he’s pulled damnit. srsly tho, so absolutely charming, wow.

three, and what stuck with me most; brendon loves what he does. a little bit of exhibitionism, i think; he likes ppl looking at & admiring him, he’s that type of person, a showman, but also, i think he just loves making music, people singing along to the music, etc. ive been to eight concerts now, and i don’t think i’ve seen someone who clearly loved being on stage so much. a lot of ppl act like it’s a chore to tour, but brendon clearly loves it, and it made me happy, especially as an aspiring musician. 

four, the straighties drooling over him and the gays drooling over him was truly straight/gay solidarity

ok what else happened... brendon would throw in random ass high notes towards the ends of songs... my sister looked at me super alarmed when he first did it during dtmwagt lmfao... ppl would cheer & it was impressive, but kinda piercing & i was like “show off” lol

HE DID THE ‘I MAKE THESE HIGH HEELS WORK’ thing, i thought he retired tht?? so i was pleased lmfao

i dont rmr anything that stands out about ready to go or la devotee but the lights & backgrounds during them were very pretty & i got some good pics of brebbois face (i finally got semi decent quality pics im rlly happy abt tht, concerts r so hard to photograph)

hallelujah was cool cuz there were, like, those catholic(?) church windows projected on the top part of the stage, it was pretty af, they rlly outdid themselves with the visuals

and mona lisa had like pipes & industrial stuff?? idk it looked dope, and it contrasted rlly cool it was super pretty

nine in the afternoon,,,, the only pretty odd song... i dont even like pretty odd but it was like,,, damn. & he had the piano, total live in denver vibes ;-; but he wasnt dripping sweat this time lmao

golden days, brebweenie knows hes hot, kept winking & doing mic flips & shit & i was like u fucken weenie ive seen that pic of u w a bowl cut in a bra, die

k he’s a fuckin bastard but hhe’s pretty & talented fuckin big ego bitch ... can yall tell i hav a lovehate relationship w him bc i do

I GOT THIS ONE PART ON VIDEO DURING GOLDEN DAYS WHERE KENNY & NICOLE R FUCKING AROUND & MAKING FACES & GOOFING IT’S SO CUTE

during casual affair in the chorus, the mic would echo each word (just lay (lay) in the atmosphere (sphere) & the ‘lay’ was rlly good on my ears idk sometimes certain vocal notes sound GOOD & that was one i keep replaying it

SO VEGAS LIGHTS as yall kno i was born & raised in vegas & a vegasfucker69 it’s my fucking home i moved last november (not my choice) & miss it violently & i was CRYING during vegas lights hard & it was so beautiful im gonna watch the video i got over & over & over that song means so much to me IM SO FUCKING HOMESICK

speaking of which, im pretty bitter i didnt see panic in vegas, this was my first panic show & that kinda bothers me, like i should’ve seen them in vegas a few yrs ago but it never worked out.... still, im grateful i saw them at all & im glad i saw the song live. i had my fob snapback on too, it says ‘las vegas’ on it cuz i got it there haha, wore that on purpose

he did the fucking running man thing towards the end & everyone cheered & i was like dONT ENABLE HIM

sat down during dancing’s not a crime cuz im a bitch who doesn’t like half the new record & also my knees hurt cuz im old apparently, anyway this chick glared at me then sang every word wat a fuckin prep lmao

o yah i forgot, in golden days he got in the crowd & let a girl sing the last chorus it was amazing i bet that made her life

AND DURING DOAB HE WALKED THRU THE CROWD that was SO FUCKING ENDEARING i was like “wow what a guy” then i was like “HE’S A BITCH U KNOW HIM” & i was like “hmm??? what a guy” but omg he made so many people happy it was really beautiful & sweet & i was like... half in love & then i came to my senses jksjfhjsdhfkjsdn

RLLY THO HE WALKED THRU THE CROWD & HIGH FIVED PPL & SHIT & GAVE HUGS & TOOK ART/LETTERS IT WAS SO DAMN GOOD HE WAS SO SWEET & LEGIT EVERYONE WAS FALLING FOR HIM & I WAS LIKE SUFFERING

legit guys, like it’s weird i used to watch his parascopes in 2015 or w/e & he’d say some Bad shit on there sometimes, like ik he does some messy shit BUT HE ACTED SO FUCKING LOVELY BLEH

also he’s very short, like he’s 2 inches taller than me but he looked so little in the crowd i was like... aw

the piano thing ;-; it was rlly pretty but my paranoia & anxiety was off the charts i was like that things gonna fucking fall & crush the crowd it’s gonna fucking fALL but it didnt ofc but i was stressed bleghh

but ok on a positive note, that was soo fucken lovely, bden stopped to try to make eye contact with as many ppl in as many places of possible, like he made the effort to get to everyone & make them have a special moment & it was ... magical ok thts fucken cliche as shit but it rlly was

ok i did smth lowkey embarrassing, i doubt he saw, but when he faced towards us i was just overwhelmed w like.. gratitude?? ive had a bad 2 years in every way, so being somewhere filled with love & fun & kindness & joy & all around good vibes, i was so grateful? i just wanted to thank him for creating that kinda atmosphere. so i like,,, blew kisses but not in a weird way, like later i was like oh that was kinda weird whyd i do that, but at that moment i didnt use my head & it was jus my instinctual way of saying thank u idk it’s lame but it happened so there ya go idfk

fun fact, my vid of it is out of focus cuz i was so enamored watching him & watching the crowd react it was pretty fucking magical it rlly was

once he got down from that piano he went “wow i feel so fucking inspired now” & i was like “bitch me too tf” 

legit it was absolutely indescribable, even watching my vid now.... wow. and u can hear me lightly crying in the back of my video too lmao, and i was shaking p hard, it was so fucking magical. like im getting emotional rn cuz it was exactly what i needed to remind myself that there is good stuff in the world thats worth staying for. 

i never was super big on panic or breb like i said but if i ever meet him im gonna thank him bc that. wow. transformative.

also that transition from the piano cover he did to dying in la was smooth af. it was all around gorgeous.

OK GIRLS GIRLS BOYS, I WAS SO CONCERNED W FILMING I COULDNT PUT MY LIGHT ON (i had a red heart) BUT OMG

he got a bi flag first, then a rainbow one, then another rainbow one... one was those hayley ones lol, and one ended up on the stage out of his eyesight & he never saw it & i felt so bad fjdnfds

G-D ALL THE GAYS SINGING WAS SO EMOTIONAL & THE RAINBOW BEHIND THEM ON STAGE (AND PAN FLAG COLORS AT TIMES?!??!?!)) IT WAS FUCKING MAGICAL & BRENDON LET A FLAG DRIFT IN THE WIND FOR A SEC BEFORE HE PUT IT ON IT WAS GORGEOUS

AND ALL THE RAINBOW LIGHTS IN THE CROWD FUCK DUDE

breb might be a turd but he’s the only one of these emo dudes who parades around draped in flags & so aggressively empowers gay fans through it, and for that, i respect him. ik the song has more perverse origins but now it’s a bi anthem that rlly connects w lgbt fans & it’s rlly beautiful, AND i got another gorgeous shot of a pride flag surrounded by lights & im just. wow.

after, breb said “that is gorgeous btw” about the rainbow lights, and “thank u for participating in love” & giggled, i got this shot of the lights in the dark lookin incredible ;-;

also said “this a record number of flags tonight, very cool” so portland is rlly gay apparently, kewl

nicole doin the nicotine bass line slayed me dead wowie u can hear me go “WOO” on the vid lmfao (im a bassist so i lov her double)

ive seen miss jackson live twice now cuz at my monumentour show, new politics brought lolo out to cover it so that’s dope lmfao

anyway bden did the fuckin valley girl voice for “the scenery is so loud” which was delightful

he had us do the ‘ayyyy’ bit woo

NICOLES BASS,,, SPARKLY

drum thingy ;-; speaking of monumentour, andy & patrick famously did a drum off & i MISSED IT cuz the stage at my venue wasnt large enough to fit both sets ;-; so they didnt do it ;-; but bden doin his own drum solo kinda made up for it a little bit

fuckin show off tho he played like 3 instruments & i was like u bitch stop

there was some kinda audio sample that went “i got a fever & the only prescription is more caffeine(?)” & bden mouthed the words along, and some girl behind me went “SAME” 

UPDATE: googled it, i knew i recognized chris walken’s voice, he says cowbell not caffeine & it’s a skit from snl that i’ve SEEN im a disgrace anyway that was fun also woo cowbell

the big screen kept cutting from bden drumming to a shot of the crowd & someone holding a pride flag & i was like yah drumming is gay now

lmao i only filmed like a minute of a song unless i rlly liked it so i could spend the rest of the song gettin funky right?? & i like king of the clouds but not a ton, but i filmed the whole thing cuz the visuals were so pretty lmfaooo i jus was staring at them like wowwww prettyyyyy

during the ‘i dont feel anything at all’ he looked rlly sad & i couldnt tell if it was genuine or if he was goin for like a pouty look djfdsjfndjks then right after he winked so ig pouty thx breb

at some point he introduced nicole&kenny plus the strings & brass ppl as “his friends” it was sweet & he was like “these lovely ladies” about the strings & “these handsome men” about the brass & i was like WOO GAY RIGHTS

FIRE DURIN CRAZY EQUALS GENIUS. BOZ FLASHBACKS. FIRE ON MY FACE HUNDREDS OF FEET AWAY. FEAR. DONT LIKE FIRE. SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION. KENNY WAS TOO CLOSE. FEAR.

a whole arena singing bohemian rhapsody 25+ years after freddie mercury’s death was Incredible, i dont believe in afterlives but if there is one i hope he was watching & enjoying & knowing his legacy was staying alive bc wow that was powerful

THE END WAS CRUNK AF HOLY SHIT BDEN GOT DOWN

i cant believe i remember the day emperors came out like,,,, jeez. so lit live tho

I HAVENT MENTIONED HIS SPARKLY SUIT YET. KING OF SPARKLY SUITS

BRENDON DOIN HIS HIGH NOTE BIT & THE STAGE LIGHTING UP FULLY ON FIRE FUCK DUDE

bitchden took his shirt off when he came out for the encore..... bitch

SINS,,, FUCK DUDE,,,, MY CHILDHOOD WAS CRYING HHYSTERICALLYYY, 

in the background of my vid u can hear me do the ‘ily’ ‘ily’ from the mv emo ass

my lil sis got fucken turnt to sins lmfaooo??? danced her ass off???

us: W H O R E bden: ily

VIOLINISTS GETTIN WILD TOO

they played footage of the music vid & breb & his fuckin iconic outfit & i was a lil emo kid again omg i cant believe i saw it live

he did funny voice durin calls for a toast nerd ... least he’s not entirely bitter abt songs ryan wrote anymore tho lmao... or maybe he is considering theres only two on the 30 song setlist ;-;

i gotta listen to afycso again damn it’s so iconic

oh yah at some bit he said “ive been doing this for 14 years, im 31 now” & it reminded me like.. most of these emo bands, they started so young. & got successful at such a young age. it’s so crazy. idk. wow. 

he got growly during the chorus, that’s pstump’s thing beeb dont steal it lmao

CONFETTI fitting ending, & i got him walking off which is cool, other bands it goes dark & they just kinda disappear & it’s unsatisfying ;-;

so yah i finally saw breadman live, i got 400 pics and 30 videos so that all got spam posted over the last few days lmao

[nofxs2gv]

09.09.21 5:11 pm

Today was my second day back to work after being gone for 2 straight weeks and before that at least a half day out every week in the beginning of August.

Not many people in my row this week but 3 of my coworkers made me cry today, one from my old unit.

The guy who sits one cube down from me brought me a big ass Frappuccino this morning, surprised the hell out of me…I had no idea that was coming. He was telling me yesterday how he was worried because it’s kinda rare that I’m not there and he felt like he wanted to reach out but doesn’t have my number. I mean, I don’t go handing it out to just anybody soo…yeah…but that’s so thoughtful.

My neighbor right in front of me, she was so sweet, she said she was so happy and relieved to see me. She gave me a box of chocolates and a card with a handwritten message inside🥺.

I heard the guy turn, he sits in front of her, and jokingly tell her “HEY. Don’t talk to my friend 😆” and then he IM’s me saying “see, we care”

Then out of nowhere, my friend from my old team walks by and leaves the sweetest note on my desk, she didn’t really stop to talk because she was in a hurry to get back to her desk which is in the next building. I check on her often but I haven’t had the chance to go see her in a few months because work is busy and I don’t like to be late or rush around. I stopped smoking April of last year so i don’t meet her for smoke breaks anymore and she’s trying to quit now so that’s good.

There was also a very nice surprise on the way home. Never expected that either. Funny how the Universe makes shit happen, it’s definitely up to us to go with the opportunity presented or fall back and decide not to get involved. I’m so grateful🥺 Had to hold my tears back right there.

I don’t talk much to my coworkers, or anyone really for that matter, but if they feel like they want to talk to me I do engage for the most part, pretty much just listening, and I have brought in food and things for them just because: Friday or whatever and on Mother’s/Father’s day and Christmas and Birthdays so it’s not like I’m a rude bitch, I’m just reserved and shy…I stay out of the way as much as possible.

I just don’t expect anyone to notice me or care. I’m not looking for it and when I do for / give to anyone it’s because I’m moved to do it, not for anything in return.

I’ve not had nice people surrounding me for a lot of my life so it’s emotional for me when someone is nice to me, even tho I know that’s kind of a basic gesture and maybe not always as genuine as someone who is kind, I don’t take it for granted either way. It’s a big deal to me if someone goes out of their way to accommodate, include or consider me. And sometimes it’s hard to accept. Well, all the time it’s hard to accept. But I’m learning to swallow it and instead of just feeling the gratitude on the inside but not feeling that it’s ok to show it on the outside, I have been trying to do both for the last 5 years. But no one needs to see me cry so that’s kept to myself.

I’ve been telling myself and trying to practice for the past few months “Expect everything and nothing…” anyone is entitled to; change their minds, forget me, move on, move away, come close, be nice, be mean, give or receive or whatever the case may be and it’s best to not be caught off guard either way and react emotionally, it’s more conducive to respond with grace. Especially with my terrible anxiety I have to learn to anticipate the unexpected but not want for anything in that way…expect it all and not at all because anything can and will happen at any given moment…or not. This life is full of twists and turns and life itself is extremely hard sometimes.

I’m just trying to be authentic, the me I’ve always been inside 100% of the time, I’ve had her tucked away safe from the environment I was in, but instead this transition just kind of ebbs and flows because I sometimes get my feelings hurt (because I stay in my head and over think everything, no one is going out of their way hurting my feelings for the most part…there have been a few assholes tho). I go thru ups and downs just like anyone else and I am just used to being shut down because of where I’ve been. Especially with knowing I’m not getting any younger and I’ve literally been alone and kept myself away from any kind of possible situation for 5 years now, I get anxious about it often but maybe I’m supposed to be alone? Or maybe I’m supposed to wait a little longer?..I don’t know but I do know what is meant for me will flow freely to me or send for me to come, it will take time and happen when and if it’s supposed to and it will always be for me…I won’t need to beg or ask repeatedly or chase or any of the other bullshit I went thru for so many years before. My person will want my authenticity no matter how different I am. Even tho I’ve kept myself away from even the idea of getting involved, one person was able unlock and crack open the door ever so slightly…shining their light into the basement I been hiding in after about 4 years. They had to leave tho but they still have the keys.

I’ve not spoken / text much to anyone for about two months and I’ve not posted much anywhere in about a month or so. I’ve just felt I need to be alone and quiet and I felt it coming, the blinds were lowering little by little for a few months before I went dark. I have become so accustomed to isolation throughout my life in various capacities, tho in this phase of my life it is definitely a positive. This wouldn’t be the first I’ve taken a time out but I think this might be the longest one initiated by me and not under circumstances where someone else is controlling me and my life.

Quarantine last year was literally the best for me (I know it was extremely terrible for others…like deadly) I was already about that life but some of what’s come of it since is very beneficial to socially selective and anxiety ridden people like myself. Grocery pick up / deliveries, less people outside, social distancing, I’m still meh about masks but I’d rather wear it than not and I do even tho it’s hot and not super easy for me to breathe all the time mostly because I don’t wear the disposable kind…I also don’t go anywhere sooo and I don’t have to wear it while walking and talking all day like I know some of us do, there’s more art and value for it, and just so many other things. Of course lots of people showed their asses (Karen’s) too and all kind of other bullshit so there’s good and bad in it as is in everything. Yin Yang.

Without the bad we cannot appreciate the good. My life has never been smooth sailing…ever, like since the birth of baby me. I’ve had so much bad in my life, but not as bad as some and I know my life could have ended up worse…or just…ended. The good sometimes overwhelms me but in a good way…it also doesn’t help that I’m just a naturally passionate and sensitive person and I seem to feel everything a bit deeper than most people. That’s hard for a lot of people to understand. But also…

I am under no obligation to make sense to anyone, and neither are you💜

.

.

Damn. A lot happened today.

[pruzan]

hello liv !! i hope you’re doing wonderfully and, if not, i hope things get much better for you going forward 💗

i’m in need of some advice, if you’re comfortable sharing !! i saw your recent post abt how you’re greyaro, and i was wondering how you came to that conclusion? i’ve always thought i was aro/ace (like ... since i was 11, and i’m almost 18 now), but was always brushed off because i was too young, i simply haven’t met the right person, etc., all valid criticisms of course, so i waited ... and i know i’m still very young and haven’t even seen a fraction of what life has to offer, but it seems like nothing has changed. i’ve never had a crush (at least, on a real person ... fictional characters are another story lol), and in fact, i’m very in love with romance as a CONCEPT, when it’s a story/poem/movie/etc., but the idea of actually practicing it is ... gross, ngl. even the idea of KISSING someone (let alone all the other stuff) grosses me out, i cringe whenever i see a couple kiss, whether that’s fictional or irl, simply because it doesn’t appeal to me.

i’ve had many guy friends have feelings for me and all it does is make me uncomfortable, because ... i want to just have friends, i’m not interested in anyone, platonic relationships in practice mean a lot more to me than romantic relationships. but then again, i also do crave falling in love and finding my soulmate, tho i don’t know if that’s because i WANT to or because that’s what’s expected of me, if that makes sense?

i don’t know if i worded myself correctly, and you’re completely free to not respond, of course !! if anything, i’m just grateful to get all this off my chest, lol, you’re quite a safe space for people to just ... speak and know they’re not going to be met with judgment, you’re amazing that way 💗

!!! hello my sweet anon !!!!! 💗  i’m doing alright today!!! thank you for checking in!!!!!

and thank you for trusting me enough to share your thoughts and ask for some advice!!! i don’t mind sharing at all!!! especially if there’s a chance it might help somehow!!! i’m putting it under a ‘read more’ because it ended up getting a little long (sorry about that)!!! 💗

honestly!!! i felt really similarly to how you’re feeling now!!!  i never really dated in middle and high school.  a part of me wanted to! i had crushes on people, and i loved the idea of being in a romantic relationship, but i got asked out several times and i got anxious about it every single time. there was once or twice when i was younger when i said yes to being somebody’s girlfriend, but i just ended up panicking about it for several days until i broke it off. 

i didn’t really think about it a whole lot! each time i said yes to someone asking me out, i hadn’t had a crush on them for very long before that, and i thought maybe i was just moving into things too fast and that’s why i was uncomfortable. or they just weren’t right for me. also! i have an anxiety disorder! and i was sure that played into things too. dating was new to me, and new things make me nervous. i figured i’d get older and come into my own and things would settle down.

but it kept happening!  every time i got asked out, it would fill me with an overwhelming sense of dread. it would reduce me to tears. i hated it. and it didn’t matter who asked! there were times where i was sure i had a crush on someone, but then they made a move on me, and it was like a switch flipped. the attraction was gone, just like that. i didn’t understand it. i thought maybe that’s just what relationships were like. that they all started out uncomfortable, and if i pushed through it, i’d come out on the other side and i’d actually enjoy them. but i really didn’t want to do that!

i ended up browsing the arospec tags more and more. i came across the term ‘lithromantic’ and kept that in the back of my mind for a long time.  i’ve always developed crushes on people! but when it came to the people around me that i crushed on, it never felt good when it was acted on. and when it came to unattainable people that i crushed on, like celebrities and fictional characters, i started to think that i liked them because they were unattainable, which meant they were safe.

and honestly, i might have stuck with ‘lithromantic’ as a label, but i started leaning towards grey aro / grey ace because i ended up having two positive experiences with romance and affection! they’re a little long so i won’t include them and make this response any longer than it already is but! if you’re curious to hear about them just lemme know! all that really matters is! they helped me realize that you’re supposed to enjoy romantic relationships. when it’s right, it will feel right. and yeah, it might make you nervous! but it’ll be a different kind of nervous. when i had these positive experiences, i wasn’t filled with dread like i had been previously. i was happy! i was excited! i realized that all my previous experiences weren’t just me being anxious, or me being too picky, or me trying to self sabotage my romantic relationships by making a big deal out of things that weren’t a big deal, they really were not right for me. my positive experiences helped me realize that i am capable of romantic attraction, but it’s few and far between. it’s the exception, not the rule.

so. everything you’re saying makes PERFECT sense.  i get it. i get it!!! 

it can be a process to figure out, but i wanna share a few things that have helped me on my journey. and hopefully they will help you too !!!

1. i said this before, but i wanna reiterate it !!! romantic relationships are supposed to be enjoyable for you. they’re supposed to bring something to your life. they’re supposed to be fun! you’re supposed to like the person that you’re with, and look forward to being with them! and obviously relationships will have rough patches, things won’t be perfect all the time, but at the very core of it, you should feel good. if you don’t, then there is no reason to be in one. i used to think that i was missing out because i wasn’t dating when everyone else was, but you’re not missing out if you don’t want it in the first place!

2. you can adore romance and still be arospec !!! it really is a spectrum, and there are so many places to fall on it. like! i love romance SO MUCH. i talk about it. i write about it. i read about it. i watch movies and tv shows about it. i crave it for myself !!! and i’m still arospec!!! some arospec people love it, some hate it, some want it, some are repulsed by it !!! some are all of the above, just depends on the day! and there is no wrong way to be. if you like it, if you want it too, that’s okay. if you’re not sure if you want it, that’s okay too! it’s okay to explore that !!! regardless of what answer you come to, it doesn’t mean that you can’t be arospec. 

3. i think if i waited until i was 100% sure that i was arospec before identifying as grey aro, i wouldn’t ever. there was a very long period of time where i held off on using the label because i thought maybe in a year, two years, three years, i’d date more and i’d have good experiences and i’d realize that i was wrong. but there will always be the possibility that i’ll date more and i’ll decide that i’m not arospec. and that’s okay. i’ve been using the label for about 6 months now and it feels right to me. it feels like it makes sense. but ultimately! it’s okay if one day i feel like it doesn’t! it’s okay if i do change my mind one day! it’s okay if i decide that i was wrong! it’s okay if i decide that maybe i was arospec for a while but i’m not anymore! our identities are fluid. we grow and we adapt and we change, and there is nothing wrong with that. it does not invalidate who we are or who we think we are or who we were or who we thought we were. 

this has been a very long way of me saying !!!  my journey was long, and it is ongoing! and it is okay if you are in the same boat! it is okay if you’re not sure, it is okay if you are never sure! the most important thing is trusting yourself and doing what you feel is right. sometimes that looks like talking things out. sometimes that looks like trying labels on. sometimes that looks like not dating. there is no wrong answer here !!! 

i’m sorry again that this got so long, my friend !!!  but i wish you luck as you explore who you are and what you want, and i hope that you know i will always be here to offer advice or support whenever you need it!!! 💗

[wanna-17]

KCON IN AUS FANACCOUNT

i haven’t written a fanaccount in so long and i usually do them on my main blog but i’ll do it here as this blog is active. just a warning, that this will be pretty long so i’ll do headings so you can scroll to the parts you’re interested in. here it goes!

CONTEXT 

so i went to kcon with my sister and my friend. my sister went on friday only cos she stans exo and my friend went both days bc of exo and wanna one (she actually had day 1 p2 only but then upgraded to combo p1 last minute through a good deal) we all got p1 eventually. when they announced kcon at first i was really only into exo, wanna one and pentagon and knew the other groups songs. but i commited to p1 and checked out all the groups adn i fell for all of them HARD as i watched a lot of variety shows and got to know their songs and music. i became a hardcore monsta x stan omg i even watched their survival show and all of monsta x ray.

TLDR; hi touched WANNA ONE, monsta x, pentagon and sf9!!! selfie with kevin woo

THURSDAY: CHECK IN 

i cheked in for my friend and sister and the funny thing is, they’re really only interested in exo and/or wanna one so i basically took all their benefits. so at first we had audience passes for all groups (except wanna one and monsta x lmao) and hi touch for victon, wanna one and girls day. i love victon though (saw them that day but will talk about it later). i first traded my victon hi touch for a sf9 hi touch. there was this super kind girl who was helping everyone trade and she was super sweet. there was someone wanting a girls day hi touch and they had victon. the trading girl advised me to trade cos sf9 are in higher demand than girls day so it’ll be easier to trade. i wanted a monsta x hi touch. so the girl tried to help me it didn’t work so i was getting really stressed as i had 2 sf9 hi touches with me. after 2 hours of running around like crazy i managed to trade one of the sf9 hi touches plus cosmic girls and girls day audience for a monsta x hi touch. wanna one and monsta x hi touch were both in high demand and people were selling them for hundreds (highest i heard was wanna one hi touch for 800) i was super lucky to have gotten wanna one hi touch on first go and also got the monsta x hi touch even though it took a while. i’m super grateful though bc tbh im probably the only person at kcon who got both monsta x and wanna one hi touch without paying any extra money. 

SEEING VICTON 

so as everyone knows i’m really multifandom so i was able to get into victon fairley well before the concert, like i could recognise about 4-5 members. as i was trying to trade my hi touches everyone started running towards a direction so i kinda walked there to check out what was happening. when i got there victon were sitting like at the bus stop and they were being filmed by staff and it was the video that was played on friday night!! they’re so cute and lovely. they kept waving at us.  especially sejun and seungsik. after that they headed back inside qudos and we were able to walk alongside them as long as we kept a distance they were super nice and kept waving at fans. i have a really good video on my phone, so let me know if you wanna see. also tbh, when i was watching their shows, i didn’t find them like HELLA ATTRACTIVE like only just attractive but seeing them so up close and in real life, they are so so beautiful, 100000x more handsome in real life. i was really shook. 

FRIDAY 

SF9 HI TOUCH 

my sister and i got to the venue just before 9.30 and i lined up for sf9 hi touch. it was a pretty long line but managed to get an okay spot  at around centre fourth row. im tiny so i couldn’t see well. we waited for about half an hour and my bae kevin woo appeared i love him so much. and he is literally the most beautiful and genuine guy ever. i’ll make a separate heading just to talk about kevin at the end omg. so sf9 they came in and it was pretty hectic but they’re all so beautiful and hwiyoung did push ups for the mission. then it was time for hi touch and i was not prepared at all. i watched for a while before going up. i was undecided about my bias between rowoon and taeyang but it got confimed to taeyang. i took soe pics of them interacting with fans and they were super sweet and handsome. when i went up to hi touch, youngbin was first and he was like lowkey my bias candidate too and hes just so beautiful and smiley?? i legit remember nothing but i think youngbin said thank you. rowoon was at the end and i told him i watched his drama and he gave me two thumbs up i have no idea if he actually heard me lmao. also told chani i love his dramas but he looked like a lost puppy so cute. i honestly don’t remember anything else but they were all super smiley and happy and some probably said hello or thank you. after i got down from hi touch all the original lines got messed up as expected so i ended up in the front right in front of taeyang and he literally glowed in the room. he kept staring and smiling at me and he waved a few times. oh yeah inseong another bias candidate was like WHATS UP and he was so happy. all the boys were in a good mood and spoke english really well. zuho’s gaze is really strong and mesmerising. also jaeyoon smiled and looked me in the eye. i really appreciated sf9 cos they made every attempt to look at each fan in the eye even though time was so short. it was really funny bc one girl kept making big hearts at the members and some made them back, i was so envious of her courage because i always blank out at hi touches. 

VICTON AUDIENCE 

so i was lowkey regretting trading my victon hi touch since i saw them on thursday and was like: they might remember me bc i was so close plus they’re so friendly and handsome. victon were the most friendly with their fans out of all the boy groups hi touches (yes lmao i got to watch all the boy groups and did 4) the pace was slow and security was chill. i guess it’s because they’re relatively new so not as many crazy fans. they were so genuine and patient and giving a lot of fan service to the fans. i instantly regretted not keeping my victon hi touch. they’d grab the fans hands and look them in the eye, bow and talk. most groups would just bow and smile and quick hi five. they were really amazing 

PENTAGON HI TOUCH

so lol my friend that upgraded to p1 (literally the day before) actually got a pentagon hi touch when i checked in for her so i used it as she was at home and gave my sister the pentagon audience pass. i had planned what to say to some of the members as i love pentagon. when they came out, i was blown away their visuals are so on point.  my bias is hongseok. i didn’t get a great spot but could see most of it. so as for hi touch, it was really embarrassing because i was wearing thongs (had heels in a plastic bag for the concert so i looked really trash and hobo) as i was going up the stairs I TRIPPED bc the girl behind me stepped on the back of my thong as i was going up the final step so it fell off and i almost lost my balance. i was already standing on the stage so i literally had to bend down to the bottom step to pick up my thong and put it back on and i think pentagon saw me bc the girl that was behind me was like apologising and made sure i was still in front of her lmao. i had a complete mind blank because i was so so embarrassed plus my thongs were orange and did not go along at all with what i was wearing. a part of me hopes that they saw me trip so at least it’s memorable and funny but in the moment i couldn’t look them in the eye or anything. yanan was first i mustered up my courage and said ni hao and jia you (hello and fighting in chinese lol) and my imagination tells me he said xie xie (thank you in chinese) he was so so handsome. dont remember order but hui and yuto both said thank you and their voices were low and it was so handsome??? kino was super smiley and happy and cUTE. i planned to tell hongseok that i was his fan since mix and match but i literally said half the sentence and he was already looking at the next person. lol tbh was slightly disappointed bc he was pretty stoned and doing the classic bow and hi five thing haha. 

RED CARPET 

lining up was a mess, basically some girl whose just a fan started a raffle thing early in the morning. but it wasn’t even official by promoters so it got scraped because after pentagon hi touch people started lining up and then that girl was suddenly like those with raffles come here and she tried to get them to the front but everyone else started telling her off lmao my sister went on fire and eventually that didn’t go ahead. im so glad that didn't go ahead bc it was basically against the rules. kcon officially stated that lining up for red carpet would start at a later time but ppl were getting there at 4am or camping out which is basically illegal anyways. so then all the different sections were separated to get into red carpet. my friend and i were very close to the front of  the line so eventually we got to the front row of our section. it was such a disorganised method lol. all the groups came on and everyone was just really handsome but tbh we were really far away even in front row so like after exo (2nd last group) everyone rushed to line up for entry into concert. it was chaotic. i was also in heels at this point and was running around like crazy. 

CONCERT 

my friend and i got in and like p1 is mostly behind platnium except for the end part which is like super close to second stage. so i ended up there at like row 3 or so my feet were killing me but luckily the girls in front of me were around the same height as me so i could see fairly well when idols were on the second stage (the front one). it was very difficult to see the main stage tho. kevin woo came out mc’ing for pre show and some dancers performed. lmao at this point my friend and another girl we met were basically sitting on the ground chilling. 

the concert finally started and sf9 were first. i couldn’t see much at first as they were on main stage BUT THEY CAME AND DID EASY LOVE WHICH I LOVE LOVE SO MUCH. i have a really good fancam of it ksdhqkdhqek and like idk guys they’re so beautiful. like i’ve watched sf9 vairety shows and im so glad i was in mosh so i was closer and could recognise them like if i were far away i probably would struggle too. they did a lot of fan service too. taeyang is so gorgeous he’s my bias for sure lmao

pretty sure pentagon were next THEY WERE SO GOOD TOO. i honestly dont remember much was trying to find hongseok and yanan . then it was victon i think, they were really great too but didn’t see them that well. it was kinda sad cos when hanse introduced himself there was obviously very little screams compared to sf9 and pentagon. i tried to scream but it wasn’t able to like echo through. 

GIRLS DAY QUEENS TBH bc i know them and all and was getting excited and then they did expectation and that was like my jam when it came out. hyeri and minah gave so much fan service and they’re so amazing and on point live i love them. 

omg chanyeol and seola did stay with me AND THAT IS ONE OF MY FAVE OSTS SO I WAS SO HAPPY AND IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL AND I APPRECIATED IT SO MUCH lowkey felt bad tho cos everyone screamed whenever it was chanyeol’s part and most people didnt know it was seola. it was amazing tho defs one of my highlight performances on the night. 

so then the first 3 boy groups covered the top songs, so hard carry (MMY AHGASE HEART) fire and monster. they were so good

ALSO MC SEGMENTS. SUHO AND SEHUN WERE FIRST AND I DID NOT EXPECT THEM AND I SCREAMED SO HARD AND ALMOST CRIED. inseong and rowoon were the perfect pair, inseong’s english is amazing and they’re so funny. and they danced to like gangnam style, TT and gee. i can’t remember if there was a third set of mc’s

omg so when exo were about to come on I RAN OUT OF STORAGE AND NEARLY STARTED CRYING i had to delete my fancams from bts as well as the previous covers of hard carry, monster and fire cries. EXO WERE SO GOOD I CANT EVEN COMPREHEND IT WHEN THEY WERE DOING TENDER LOVE CHEN CAME OVER A LOT AS WELL AS KAI AND SEHUN i barely saw xiumin and suho. BAEKYEOL CAME OVER A LOT TOO. KAI WAS ACTUALLY SUPER CLOSE MY BIAS IS YIXING BUT SINCE HE WASNT TEHRE KAI IS MY BIAS AND OMG KYUNGSOO ALSO COULDN’t MAKE :( i have really good fancams of sehun, chen, kai, chanyeol and baekhyun KJHSKJWDGKJ

so for the ending, pentagon were on our side the most and e’dawn omg had his hoodie up and he was so effortlessly HOT he kept making peace signs and waving. jinho was there too. made eye contact OH AND I MADE QUITE A BIT OF EYE CONTACT WITH KAI DKUHQU CRIEs there were more interactions with so many ppl like waves and stuff but honestly don’t remember. sehun was the cutest, he was i think the last to leave and was waving at like everyone sobs my boy and yeah i was wearing heels during entire concert, red carpet AND sf9 hi touch so my feet were ded

SATURDAY 

UP10TION AUDIENCE

so i got there later at like 11.30 lmao right before up10tion audience where i’d help a friend film, i actually could have gotten a free up10tion hi touch but my friend likes them way more so my original friend with the pass sold it to her. while waiting in line, i made a friend who was super cool and chill and we kinda fangirled in the same way if that makes sense. like we got along well, liked kpop for similar amout of time and she wasn’t like a super delusional fan and just very nice and chill and we love the same groups soOOOO we clicked well. we were like very near the back of line and we were both filming for our friends anways so we just chilled at the back waiting for up10tion I LOVE XIAO THO we grabbed a chair and stood on it for like 20 seconds before being told off my security. XIAO WAS SO HOT THO WTHH HIS HAIR???? he’s so beautiful 98 liner forever omg i couldn’t take my eyes off him. yeah so we were just chilling at the back.

MONSTA X HI TOUCH 

well before up10tion had even started lines for monsta x and wanna one were already happening so rip me. i was near the back ish of the line and struggles i really wanted a front row spot but it was obviously impossible since all my audience engagements were back to back. i also made a friend and we got a selfie with kevin woo. lined up for a while and got in. i ended up like right on the side where i could see them come in but crap view of stage. THEY ARE SO SO SO BEAUTIFUL IN REAL LIFE freaking hyungwon TBH blew me away. my bias is changkyun and he was so cute when coming in and making his random movements. his english was just aksudkuqdkqu. ok so for actual hi touch, shownu was first and i blanked out bc hes so gorgeous. hyungwon WAS SO HAPPY like he was so smiley and made eye contact and everything i think he was my fave person to hi touch??? maybe??? i told wonho not to lose weight (in light of what happened recently on his v app) but unsure if he even heard or understood me bc he was just nodding and smiling so beautifully at me. i told changkyun he’s my favourite but dont even remember if i got to finish my sentence or not or whether he even heard or replied to me. kihyun was gorgeous i dont know if i said i liked his voice (that was my plan lmao) or just a hello. i think i generally just end up stuttering a hello or thank you. minhyuk was last and he didn’t look that happy???? he’s probably tired tbh. so when monsta x were exiting i was like on the barrier near the stairs again with the new friend i made. so when monsta x did their end greetings they came down to hi touch front row fans again my arms are short so i missed out on some. i know i definitely got another hi touch from changkyun SOBS MY BABY BOY, wonho, hyungwon and possibly shownu too. i know i missed kihyun and was devo

WANNA ONE HI TOUCH

this was a nightmare lining up omg as soon as i got out of monsta x, the line for wanna one was already ridiculously long and i was contemplating on not even lining up. i also didn’t get to make friends with fans bc the people around me were in their 30s/40s so it was difficult to communicate or chinese fans which were so annoying cos they were constantly letting others in and out there was so much pushing in. thai fans as well omg wth. tbh i was paranoid for all of the audience engagements bc they suddenly had a new rule where no water bottle allowed unless sealed but for friday i openly went in with my 1L water bottle and no one said anything. it was all fine the day before but for up10tion no water bottle was allowed so i gave it to a stranger in monsta x line and when i got out she had left it in a visible spot next to the bin. but for monsta x and wanna one, the security guard allowed water bottles it was just so inconsistent and stressed me out. 

for wanna one, pushing was crazy when entering. once again i ended up like next to the stairs where they would go up so i couldn’t even see the stage rip. it was such a hard a wait but omg they finally came out and i couldn’t believe it they were so gorgeous. daehwi was being so extra and some were waving. everyone sang happy birthday to guanlin. tbh im most disappoiinted in wanna on hi touch bc they didn’t even do missions beforehand??? and the hi touch was super rushed security guards were so pushy and violent and there was no time to do or say anything some fans might have even missed out on a hi touch with some members. like i understand that security was probably much tighter as wanna one are super popular so they dont want the members getting hurt and stuff. i was just so upset because i had a crap view and also didn’t get to say what i planned to. like guanlin was first so i said happy birthday in chinese but i dont think he heard or even if he did i dunno if he replied. i told seongwoo i love you but like there was literally not enough  time to process their replies, they were all smiling though. i think i told jihoon i love him, i had the best thing planned to say to daehwi but he was bowing and gazing at me and i kinda blanked for the 1931319th time that day, his smile is so beautiful. i either told daniel to be healthy or that he was my favourite but looking at him so up close was too much for me. i dont even remember what happened for every other member they were just smiling at me and hi fiving. some probably said thank you and hello and stuff. omg minhyun tho SO BEAUTIFUL he was in such a good mood and gave me a really hard hi five and his smile is so beauiful. the moment i got off the stage, regret swept through me, i’d planned to do the jisung clap to jisung but i was so scared of security like tbh even if i did it, what could they do to me? at most push me but at least jisung might remember me lol. the wanna one hi touch was so bad and rushed and after it ended wanna one just left. they walked past again but unlike monsta x they didn’t hi  five any one but maybe thats the instructions they were given. i was honestly disappointed, i’m glad i didn’t spend money for a wanna on hi touch though bc it was just dumb and ppl were selling audience passes for like 200

CONCERT 

omg i was actually in the same spot as the previous day except on the other side cos they swapped sides. the only problem was that there was this super tall girl in front of me and she had heels on too...that was really annoying cos she completely blocked my view :( at this point i was feeling pretty gross and dizzy and even more annoyed as i couldn’t even see the damn stage. 

sf9 started and they were amazing as usual, then it was up10tion I COULDNT EVEN SEE ANYONE OR ANYTHING COULDNT SEE MY BIAS XIAO AND HE LOOKED SUPER FINE AT AUDIENCE ENGAGEMENT. then it was cosmic girls and omg this girl near me had the highest pitch screams ever and she’d do a high pitch scream every 5 seconds my eardrums were legit about to die and then this guy behind me spat all over me when cosmic girls came out...it was so unpleasant lmao

THEN WANNA ONE SDHKSDUKSYUKD everyone pushed even more forward when wanna one started. they played like a video but i couldn’t even see the screens :( they did energetic first and it was on main stage so i couldn’t see a single thing. then they did wanna be my baby and they walked to the front stage halfway through and i could see like a teeny bit. then they did pinata time and INTRODUCED THEMSELEVES GUANLIN WAS ON MY SIDE and daehwi is legit the cutest he was straight up like: guys this isn’t on the script but it’s guanlin’ birthday so let’s sing happy birthday. daehwi is like friend goals he’s so caring towards everyone and his english is the nicest and most soothing thing ever. everyone was screaming so much and pushing and it was really hard to see. but then they did like pinata time where it was like younger boys vs. older boys team and younger boys had to be sexy THEY DIDNT COME OVEr tO MY SIDE AT ALL but i saw some fancams and woojin full on did the thigh move and daniel was cringing hahaha and daehwi was being extra as usual. the hyungs came over more AND THEY HAD TO BE CUTE AND DANIEL WAS LIKE ALMOST SITTING ON THE STAGE IN FRONT OF ME AND POSING AND HE WAS SUCH A CUTE BUNNY he’s so extra and everyone was pushing so hard :( jisung did the peace sign and he’s so cute. i like legit did not see half the  members for the whole concert :( 

OH YEAH SO MONSTA X BLEW MY HEART AWAY THEY WERE SO PERFECT AND LIKE WHEN KIHYUN AND CHANGKYUN WERE MC’ING KHKWHWKU their english. they’re like my two biases (kihyun and hyungwon are bias wreckers tho) and like wonho came down to propsal to the girl that was sorta near us so all of monsta x were crowded around my side of stage and they WERE SO CLOSe their performances were amazing lowkey wish they did newton BUT THEY DID HERO AND FIGHTER WHICH IS AMAZING AND EX GIRL I LOVE MONSTA X SO MUCH. and changkhyun was being al greasy he was like to the girl: angel, why are you here? what about heaven I NEARLY CRIED OMG HE SSO BEAUTIFUL LIYWFDHKWYF wonho is super fine and kind i just love them so much 

BUT OMG AT THE END YOUNGBIN AND THE REST OF SF9 WERE ON MY SIDE AND YOUNGBIN STARTED TAKING FANS PHONES AND TAKING SELFIES WITH THEM OR VIDEOS AND MY ARM WAS JUST TOO SHORT AND HE WAS SO CLOSE TO TAKING MINE BUT I MISSED OUT KHKJSDGKWULICUSLU 

alright this was such a crap fan account BC SO MUCH HAPPENS AT KCON AND ITS SO HARD TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING MAY ADD MORE THINGS LATER but if you read the the end you are a legend

and yes i said hi to kevin woo like every time i was in audience engagement and also got a selfie with him!! he’s honestly the sweetest and kindest guy ever and super chill!! and honestly like monsta x were so so amazing 

ok i think i need to end this here lmao i will post my hi touches and my selfie with kevin woo on my blog too!! ^^ thank you guys1! 

oh yeah ok and like i hardcore stan every group that was at kcon now bYe 

[athleisure-aesthetic]

I did the thing again 💁🏽 I'll attempt to keep it brief. We know how much I struggle with that tho...

April 21 Friday was my first trip to bikram yoga, and I was very very nervous. I had never been to bikram yoga, and it would have been only my second official yoga class ever. The other class I had taken was with a friend at the studio near our school, and it was just a regular hot vinyasa class. That instructor made me feel very welcomed and very capable, and it was a way smaller class, so she actually came over and helped me with my poses. All I knew was that bikram was hotter than the regular hot class, it had a series of 26 poses that you cycled through, and that you sweat out like your whole body weight over the 75 minutes. Sweet.

Showed up like 3 minutes before (in shorts, btw, #nsv for me), and the room was packed, mostly full of people in shavasana. I had to squeeze in a spot by the heater (kill me) and it seemed to me like the class was 85% regulars. I would soon learn that my instinct was hella correct. We were asked who was new, and out of like literally 35-40 people, I was the only one. Thought that meant she could help me. Nope. We went through the breathing exercise and went off into the poses after a few minutes. I had already begun to feel a little lightheaded, but my fear of looking dumb focused me. I looked up and noticed my instructor didn't even do single pose. How am I supposed to know what to do, or the proper form?? She would talk, walk around, and actually scroll through her phone... like I know it's 5:30 on a Friday but you signed up for this shit. You don't get to do that. She also made a lot of inside jokes with the regulars, some whom I later believed to be other instructors, and like did not encourage modification. She was like I know you can push further, so do it. Like HOMIE that is not what you're supposed to do, especially if you're new!! She was very serious about no talking or making noise, so she only came over to the guy next to me who kept cursing when his grip would slip to help him modify.

Things I found out: A, you need like a legit swimming towel or actual full size yoga towel for this kind of yoga because I felt like I was drowning in sweat. I had to wring out my shirt and shorts when I left. B, you're pretty much on your own at this studio, even if it says "all levels." They were not helpful for new people. C, it's a great detox, if you can get past the fact that you may not be able to hold any of your poses because your body is so slick from sweat. My forearms ended up being sore for the next two days because of how much I was straining to hold onto my poses. D, you should not be alarmed by how much it sounds like snakes are in the room whenever you do an open-mouth exhale. I was for a lot of the class, and it was SO distracting because I thought it was funny. Some people go really hard. And I mean REALLY hard with the breathing.

I think the only reason I would go back would be to go with a friend, and definitely another instructor. Sorry, Robyn. I want a chick who gives a shit about my class. She did end on a funny song, though. +1 for you.

Spent the rest of the evening being productive, doing laundry and cleaning my room. It was a glorious Friday night.

Listening to: "I Want It That Way" by Backstreet Boys

April 22 It was supposed to rain all day Saturday, and I was anxious bc I had another long run. I really wanted to meet up with CFG again, though, so I forced myself out of bed, put on a hat and jacket, and hoped for the best. When I got to Dilworth, I coudln't find the group anywhere, and I waited until the last possible second, but decided the weather must've detered most people, or they left already, so I set out on my own. This 6.5 miles sucked so much more than last week's great 7 mile run. Maybe it was the weather or fatigue, but I just was not feeling the groove. I stopped for a hot second on Kelly Drive to breathe and to check out some of the statues and stuff. In hindsight, those pictures are very uneventful. At my halfway point, it started raining and I was like ughhhhhhh well at least I had that hat. This run felt so much harder than my last long run, and I wonder if it's just because my body's like YOU NEED TO CHILL OUT. At the last mile, though, I had a great few songs push me through, including Guns and Ships from Hamilton and What Do U Mean (I'm a sucker for Bieber). I finished around city hall, where there was an Earth Day protest going on. It's kinda cool that every weekend there are a lot of people around my city screaming about how much 45 sucks.

Later I got Snap pizza with friends and did not feel guilty about it whatsoever.

6.51 mi 10'17" min / mi

Listening to: "See You Again" by Miley Cyrus

April 23 Sunday was so much nicer out than Saturday, which was an excellent motivator to get me to FlyWheel. This was my second spin class, and first at FlyWheel. First impressions were amazing: you walk down the steps into like this pit, where they give you cycling shoes and there's a shop (I wanted everything even though I knew I wouldn't become an avid spinner bc $$, BUT EVERYTHING WAS SO CUTE). Then you find your bike in "the stadium" and wait until the staff is finished cleaning the bikes and putting out fresh towels to hop on. I got help from one of the staff, and thankfully this bike felt more comfortable than my first ride. Looking down, I saw these two pole things on the side of my bike, and a cool electronic torq tracker. I loved that you could opt into the torq board beforehand so you wouldn't be stressed about putting it in day-of. Suddenly, the lights went off and we were off. My instructor was super motivating and friendly, pushing us through a series of hills and sprints. I was happy that I had taken a spin class before, though, because I knew the positions when the she called them out. I admittedly signed up for her class specifically because on her profile she said she sang a cappella in her free time, so I was hoping she'd either A, have a great playlist, and / or B, sing throughout some of the songs lol. She started us out of "Wop" which I hadn't heard in like 6 years, so I was happy about that. On the penultimate song, she had us grab the bars next to our bikes and do an arms workout, which was surprisingly tough to focus on both the legs and arms at the same time. At the end I felt really good, definitely exhausted, but like I could go back the next day for sure. Absolutely one of my favorite workout classes I've ever taken. I see why people catch the bug now.

After class, I hung out at TJU for a bit before showering and going to Rittenhouse to hang out in the park. Since it was World Book Day, I bought both You Are a Badass (which is definitely going to change my life, if not give me some awesome quotes to live by) and Bossypants. I was feeling the energy. I was also thankful I brought my journal to the park, bc this one guy came up to me randomly and started hitting on me for like 10 minutes and I clearly did not want him there, so I wrote a whole bunch of pages about the entitlement of men and how some people must give off "please bother me" vibes. Overall great day, though, because I was happy I was getting back into writing.

Listening to: "Scream & Shout" by will.i.am. & Britney Spears

Also worked out yesterday, but I don't feel like writing about that rn. It was uneventful, other than my Nike Run Club app being annoying and not properly recording my treadmill tempo run. What's new. Today I'm giving myself my first full day off from working out in what feels like 2 months, so I'm very excited to not do anything. Also had a free bagel this morning because my work was giving them out. BLESSSSSSSS.