#theyre replacing gertrude????

[the-magnusinstitute]

Elias Bouchard here.

I, too, was deeply saddened by the disappearance of Gertrude Robinson, as she was a true friend to me, and I hope that she is found alive and well soon. However, it is with sadness that I admit the position of Head Archivist has been left empty for too long. It was a difficult decision, and one that took many weeks, but in the end I came to the conclusion that Jonathan Sims is the correct candidate for the job.

Let’s have a nice simple week with no incidents to welcome Jon to his new position, and let’s keep Gertrude in our hearts, and in our prayers.

[hahagiggles3]

I’m bored so heres what i think the ideal pets/animals are for death note characters

L

i think logically he’d get a cat or a big dog like a bernese mountain breed because theyre calm and fluffy

but his favorite animal would probably be the mantis shrimp

they're colourful shrimp but theyre big and predatory and theyre so weirdly cool

he’d love them because of their interesting habits and builds, as well as the way they catch their food

Light

he couldnt care less about having a pet, so he’d get some cool fish that sayu would name Mr. Bubbles or something

like he could have a tank of piranhas and she’d name them stuff like Gertrude, Daisy, Fluffy, dumb fun things :)

he thinks snakes are cool tho!

there are lots of different kinds of snakes and within those categories there are SUBcategories theres so many kinds

i think snakes are cool so Light thinks snakes r cool okay

Misa!!

she’d keep frogs i think

theyre pretty spontaneous every now and then so theyre fun to watch

she likes taking care of small cute things, but she’d also take an interest in poison dart frogs for their vibrant colors and how deadly they are!!

to keep poison dart frogs you cant feed them the usual bugs they eat because thats how they produce their poison, but she’d like them nonetheless

when she takes them out she puts fancy little hats on them and does photoshoots :)

Matsuda <3

He likes turtles!! they’re easier to take care of because they mostly just sunbathe all day

he loves them like his children and keeps a picture of them in his wallet

he’d love something bigger but his apartment is way too small and he could never replace his babies

Aizawa

he has no time for pets ! he’s got a daughter, a murder investigation, and all sorts of stuff with his wife going on :(

but he’d also like a big dog, one who’s calmer and can jump up on the bed and nap with him

he finds comfort in grooming and taking care of things

Mogi

i think he’d like fish

no reason, he just gives me like,,, neon tetra vibes

Watari

he keeps birds in his garden at wammy's house

no one is allowed in there but roger because they are old and need their peace

Mello & matt

big mean dog that is actually really sweet !!!

Mello keeps trying to train her to attack Near when he shows up unannounced but she just tries to lick Nears face

it basically has the same affect, near sits on the desk when they come by

Matt buys her all sorts of chew toys and treats but she just keeps trying to eat Mello’s chocolate

one christmas she got into his stash and had to get her stomach pumped :(( mello was so nervous

he definitely didn't cry in the car and Matt doesn't have a recording of him hugging her and crying on the drive to the vet

Near

rabbits! he has to keep them outside though, its the rules (aka the only way anyone can get him out of the building and into the sunlight)

he has them in a very large pen and they get lots of salad leaves and raw vegetables all the time

he likes lop bunnies the most, he has a sleepy one who’s allowed inside sometimes if he makes a sad enough face

Beyond Birthday

rats follow him around no matter what <3

likes and reblogs are much appreciated :)

[mintbees]

magnus archives theories before jumping into season 2

DISCLAIMER: SPOILERS. DUH.

- elias probably is the one who killed gertrude. my problem with this theory is that its a bit too simple and makes too much sense. he might be a red herring but he is quote “shadiest motherfucker i done ever seen”

- elias is also FOR SURE connected to the entities. no way he is Just Some Guy. hes either struck a deal with the entities, is one of the entities, or is someone trying to keep them out of our reality.

- as stated with the country club basement episode, theres 13 “entities” shown by the 14 tunnels of which one leads to our own world. this makes me think the entities are all their own little dimension circling a central world (ours?) like in dnd with the planes. the tunnel leading back to the “normal” world does arise the question if “our” world is truly normal, or the realm of a 14th entity

- the “entities” as theyre apparently called (?) are behind every single statement. the archivists job is to contain the statements? document them? its not clear yet but john gets “possesed” by the statements when he reads them, living through the persons memories and traumas. seeing through their eyes ....figuring out where that eye imagery keeps coming from ig

- martin is very cute but he sounds oh so very much like grian from hermitcraft and it creates a very weird mental image whenever i hear his voice

- john needs to get a fucking hobby.

- originally i was gonna say he needs to get some bitches or something but ive been informed hes asexual but point stands like....get a way to get that stress out man this cant be good

- the entities all have a stake in the archive. michael (the spiral) seems willing to help them/want to work with it. jane prentiss (the flesh?) hates it. the delivery men (the buried?) dont seem to bring much good either. the archive is important. links back to my theory of statements containing them.

- the vase that took and replaced sasha is the spiral for sure. hope sasha is going on nice coffee dates with michael in spiral land :]

conclusion: shit is sus. no spoilers in replies or asks but its okay to say if im close to the truth on some of these cuz i am very curious so just like....vaguely say if im on the money or not

[mellifluousoctopus]

TMA Fanfic prompts I don’t know how to write (but want to nonetheless)

(Please I beg you to take these from me and to tell me what you think)

**warning for Spoilers & Elias being...an old white man**

Melanie and Georgie have a vlog. 

It isn’t occultly themed, but the typical weirdness of the Archives occurs and they very weakly cover up what they talk about. 

Fans are split between thinking its an exploration in fiction or they are in league with many cryptids. 

a large (rather satiric) flame war happens over it

Melanie can’t stop laughing

Idiots go to Pride

everyone lives fuck you

 (Bonus: taken from the point of view of Georgie’s Camera)

Childhood friends to Lovers/Forbidden Love AU where Gertrude adopted Jon and Peter & Elias adopted Martin and They end up growing up together. 

(Bonus: all three parents get roped into some PTO thing and have to stay civil. They fail miserably much to Karen, Susan, and Sandra’s confused horror)

(Bonus: its a slowburn)

(Bonus: at some point they’re enemies)

**

Newly Elias, Jonah must re navigate the politics of the other Eye temples without revealing everything he knows

its maddening

its infuriating

and not every head actually knows what the purpose of these institutes are

its incompetence

Jonah has never in his life want to tell Jean-Marie to shut the fuck up  and tell everyone about an affair in his life

Kareem was replaced? by a woman? and shes not even an avatar? 

And she keeps talking down to him like he’s a child

he’s not a child

hes at over a century older than her, not he can tell her that

ahhhhhhh

did he tell peter how much he hates these meetings

he doesn’t care if the Beijing institute was “older” he misses his east india institute

fucking Boxers

hmmph

he wants to tell Nicholas to get a more dutiful translator, but he also likes their ideas much better

so its a toss

*googles: how to brag without revealing your plans for a ritual*

**

Jon & Georgie college Shenanigans

Jon eats a notebook

Agnes watching the real world

Avatar!Gerry lives and his entity treats him as a rather naughty cat

you know like “i hate you you ruin everything  youre a bastard but ill be damned if you arent entertaining”

let Jon and Gerry have more time to be friends goddamn you

Helen being a big sister to Jon in the weirdest ways possible

Georgie drags Jon to somewhere inherently queer and ends up bumping into his new coworker, Tim

Distortion!Jon

Gertrude coparenting with anyone (its such a funny concept to me especially if its Leitner or Elias)

Callum’s Becoming

(Bonus: From his parents point of view)

(Bonus: they aren’t concerned because they think its just normal teenager things)

Slaughter!Jon AU where he and Slaughter!Melanie are friends (this is my favorite as you can probably tell)

(Archivist!Sasha’s here too)

Melanie and Jon are impromptu sparring buddies

He’s closer to becoming than she is

he’s like her mentor but she bullies him

They try to keep each other human

they aren’t particularly open to the others about it

everyone thinks they hate eachother because of how they fight (they don’t this how they say that they love each other)

Martin’s scared, Sasha’s tired of the screaming, Tim keeps trying to lighten the mood 

“i know its wrong and pretty much permanently damns my soul to a violence god but what if i killed Wilkins”

“...”

“i know your thinking about it too so dont lie”

Jon & Daisy serve as Sasha’s only support this versions S4

Melanie still gets her surgery and is even more mad about it

bc Jon is the one that helps with it

Jon still has the extreme paranoia in S2

it gets alot hairier when he confronts Martin

when Melanie first starts,  the others think they keep dissapearing to have hate-sex

Nope

that is very very very wrong

theyre dissappearing to rip eachother apart so they dont hurt someone else

they call it tap in

“Tap in?”

“I’m in the middle of something, are you good?”

“homophobe in the library.”

“what”

*cracks knuckles” homophobe in the library”

Tim once walked into a tap in and tried to stop the fight

in the gravest way possible he knows he almost died that day 

[mortuarybees]

emo abt michael always wanting to be there for gerry bc he knows how much eric loved him, but like he’s just the son of michael’s murdered coworker, so whats he supposed to do? so he just sends him birthday cards every year with some cash in it since he doesnt know what he likes (once he sends eric’s favorite book and has no idea it’s gerry’s prized possession) and even that feels like too much but he has some inkling of what mary’s like and what it might be like to grow up with her so he feels bad for him (but he still doesn’t sign them, just hopes he’ll assume theyre from some distant uncle or something)

and when hes the distortion he no longer has the same self-conscious reservations but he also doesnt really know how to care for anyone anymore all that remains of who michael shelley was is just.....twisted and confused. so he just kinda. mildly terrorizes him dlskafj and gerry has no idea what he did to get marked by the spiral he assumes he burned a book or something but suddenly theres impossible doors all the time and sometimes people chasing him or trying to hurt him just.....disappear. and he swears he can hear ghostly echoing laughter and a door closing when it happens

and on their globetrotting adventure, gertrude is there when it happens once and he explains (as far as he can, given he really doesnt know whats happening or why himself) and when he does for one brief moment he swears gertrude almost looks stricken, but ofc the look is replaced with that cold blankness he’s so accustomed to so quickly he’s not sure it was there at all

[bananonbinary]

you mentioned activist!gerry in your tags and I need to know more about that.

archivist!gerry is the main Point of the fic im writing. trying to write. im three chapters in and nothing but set up has happened yet >:/

anyway. The story is, elias didnt hire a replacement archivist immediately after killing gertrude, he just moved a few possibilities to the archives before making a decision, and the eye got Restless. it’s not even human, it doesnt really “plan” or “think,” it just knows that there Should Be An Archivist and There Isn’t.

so it grabbed a willing eye-aligned avatar who’s conveniently just been sitting in storage in the skin book and is already pretty fucking far from human.

in return for doing archivist shit (like, the actual “voyeur of terror” role of The Archivist that the eye cares about, not jonah’s dumb long-con plan for the Archive, not that anyone else even knows about that), gerry gets to be an almost-real boy again. he’s bound to the institute even more than the others are, and still has his Page lying around that will definitely definitely kill him if someone burns it or w/e, but he mostly can live his life as an actual person. albeit one that doesnt really need to eat or sleep and is technically homeless b/c he super doesnt legally exist or have any money. a regular person that lives at his eldritch workplace. its fine. better than being a book.

(mild spoilers ahead if anyone cares about that, this hasnt come up in the fic yet)

archivist!gerry is a lot of fun to play with, because in addition to his canon abilities with the eye (can see when someone’s been targeted by an entity, very minor Knowing), and the normal Archivist abilities he’ll develop as he grows into the role, i’ve decided he’s also end-aligned on account of being. you know. pseudo-dead. fun end and joint eye-end powers include:

Violent and uncontrollable visions of the possible deaths of his assistants if theyre in life-threatening danger!

The ability to bind someone to an End by speaking it into existence like some fucked up greek prophet! (he can’t actually control what the prophecy is, making this pretty fucking useless for strategic purposes. maybe he’ll Bind you to die like 4 years from now, fuck if he knows)

Supernatural Dissociation where both Entities cancel each other out and his brain short circuits over things related to when he was technically dead.

its still jonmartingerry because i love all three of those relationships. one single brain cell between the three of them and jon never has it.

jonmartin is about the same as canon, altho jon isnt SPECIFICALLY hating on martin because he doesnt feel the need to punch down to assert dominance or whatever dumb shit he was doing in canon. still a “skeptical” asshole tho

jongerry is probably the slowest burn because theyre both terrified of intimacy and think its best to go it alone. thank god martin and tim and sasha are here to force them into Feelings.

gerrymartin is honestly my favorite to think about because martin is aggressively optimistic and a petty fuck, and gerry is emo and supernaturally depressed and will die for you the second you show him the barest kindness. so martin has turned being nice into an act of war, he WILL make this sadsack admit some things arent always terrible if it kills both of them.

also tim and sasha are there vibing, all 5 of them are in a sort of queerplatonic poly pile. the other three arent quite as romantic with these two but the love is just as strong and just as important.

god i was about to say tim is like everyone’s protective big brother and then i remembered theres a fucking reason he aggressively tries to fill that specific role for everyone he cares about and now im sad about both canon and my own au. enjoy your kayaking trip king, no one dies in my story.

you’d think sasha is the keeper of the brain cells except shes actually the embodiment of that xkcd comic where someone pulls a lever and gets struck by lightning and decides to pull it several more times for Science.

[av-potatogun]

okay so going off my timeline bs post that im mostly using for ages, Sasha is most senior in terms of being in the institute, then Jon and Martin (they dont know who joined first cause /someone/ cant remember), and then Tim

Sasha had to show Jon around, and recently-out-of-uni-and-trying-to-seem-professional-cause-he-really-wanted-an-academia-job Jon just seems like he’s trying so hard, and she respects that. Sasha convinces him to hang out with her, and she just keeps on him in a way that reminds him of georgie a bit, but far more curious and less unafraid.

so he and Sasha get close, like really close. they are friends now, and they confide shit in each other, like how Sasha looks up to but is defo afraid of Gertrude- that sorta stuff

then Tim comes along, friendly but closed off and definitely hiding something, is Sasha could just put her finger on it.

Sasha keeps talking abt Tim to Jon, and Jon just keeps getting this weird feeling when she does so he avoids Tim, and subsequently doesnt hear abt how he’d been in a band for a few years but theyre on a bit of a break right now cause busy lives.

finally /finally/ Sasha gets both Jon and Tim to hang out with her together, and the weird feeling is replaced with a different one as they hang out, and they just sorta vibe

like Tim knows crazy well what to ask to get Jon started on a tangent, like how ? (cause he did it before when their bands hung out a bit) and Sasha and Tim just get on so well, like they banter amazingly

... tbh i dont remember where i was going with this

[oswednesday]

could we possibly get an update on your tmasona :3c i feel like maybe some things have changed, or i'm just getting confused...

omg yeah i need to update their art ref! ill get to it, i have to finish up some other stuff first! omg yeah ive been adjusting things as i go, making themes clearer i guess! or w/e fits the setting better a i listen again, omggg thank you for asking, also im so rendered playdough soft that youre keeping track enough to feel confused like,o mg ;x ;, okay so updates!:

-theyre born in america to a beholding cultist group, their parents are like Teachers With Doctorates, they have six other siblings (who also all go different ways) the upbringing is like zero privacy 100% authoritative, they live on the compound which doubles as like a high end Alternative Schooling, i imagine they would have called their parents ma'am and sir more than mom and dad, its competitive family dynamic and theyre being Trained to take the archivist position on the off chance that gertrude dies of old age (i think given that a branch in china had a guy lined up thats a reasonable thing to assume the cult does as a whole?), they attend like a compound boarding school with other cultist children (like, america has A LOT of cult compounds,, so i think it would be def a thing for dread god followers, and since tmi has like Some kind of academic standing, with american culture there’d be some kind of accredited legitimacy to the school)

-they go to whatever fancy university for a weighted accelerated library sciences program that their family has a connection to, with like the smallest bit of experienced freedom they also take art classes at a Less Nice For Profit liberal school thats just a block or so away from the other as it tends to be in small american cities that are designated college towns, theyre like so paranoid about being caught and watched and judged that they go through the whole trouble of fabricating a whole entire different person to be for the other school which does not check anything ‘cause theyre getting paid, which like the money dries up a bit enough for them to start up some Fraud, i think the very start of like the identity theft is the End, but before that they would keep track of everything like taking notes about different places different selves needed to be, keeping track of lies the best they could, theyre the only one of the siblings left who havnt made it Super clear theyre with a different patron, so they feel the obligation to keep it up, i also think there’d be a lot of, wow no one can ever know anything about my terrible fucked up monster life so no one can get close, i cant even get close to me, vibe going on with all that

-this is the lead up to the psychotic break they have, and it Looses them up enough to experience the spiral, during the break down they find a book that Feels Familiar and its like, transcribed recordings of children in therapy conversations accompanied with art from the patient , it probs has a Misleading title like “my wonderful changing body and me!” like one of those youre going through puberty and instead of helping you emotionally im going to toss a book at you and leave the room kind of thing

-so they get lost a while, read a book in peace, break a mirror in a way thats v symbolic, like a representation of their sense of self becoming fractured, they use their blood to mark where theyve been, its all very trans formative and dramatic, (like they def arnt using they/them before this, they embrace the multiplicity of it all)

-their Purpose is to lead victims through, they create and maintain narrative mazes for people to get lost in and lead them to madness (so, like the metanarrative function of pyramid head, or like the bartender+delbert grady in the shining, or like the night clerk in the first downfall game? i guess the second one too but the first one has that vibe im going for and is less symbolic over all), this also means they like vacuum up after a messy meal

-the title that old fashioned people use is the minotaur, but stuff about their role within the cult as a concept is like jaws of madness, the teeth, the porter, doorman, caretaker, maid, whatever nondescript jobs victims see them having

-happening simultaneously to that metaphysical stuff, their physical self drops out of everything and a distant aunt offers to take them in which their family is Fine with cause their a disappointment and all, but it turns out their aunt is a house that like uk buzzfeed and travel blogs calls the mouth of madness, its like a winchester house, m takes it over and converts it to a bed and breakfast tourist spot for the income and it just, becomes a legit hotel business (but i think thats after the great twisting fell through)

-so timeline wise its, breakdown, impulsively marrying the physical embodiment of the lonely,the great twisting, hotel

-like cause they had no place of their own there was no place for them to go after the twisting fell through so they went no where, it was real upsetting tho

-things that not every minotaur had but some could do so this is like personal quirks! is they can move the understanding of physical things to create obstructions as long as its repetitive,so making mazes and labyrinths! and sometimes their fabricated spaces are like noticeably fake, they also cant balance a lot of victim plots and make new space like the first purpose comes first even when the second function would benefit

- they look however you expect them to look whatever that means for you but they also have a static like base self that they can like, replace with other selves

-like seeing the pure concept like how the distortion is that weird long fuckhands thing, their True shape is like a vitruvian man in constant motion like a photographic blur, you could probs see how a leg could be a tail and how shifting heads and shoulders could be horns and how weapons held by many hands are hooves of a beast

-there’s not always time for any of that so sometimes they have to just lock someone up, let their mind fill in the blanks and do them an insanity, box cutters have a nice sound but power drills are more appropriate for quick jobs

-they can fully Check Out of their physical body and just leave it there, they eventually have to go back and get it tho, it can do its own thing but its primarily customer service auto pilot

-their dreams are like realistically mundane, with the occasional interruption of something that catches up with them (like if they cut their hand off irl itll be fine but theyll eventually have a normal dream where their hand gets severed) (they also do a lot of work in dreams but they like differentiate between like im consciously doing stuff in the dreamscape and im a victim here dreams but theres no real, difference, thats not really their thing to be in control of)

-i think the sum of their personality would be like someone who exclusively talks in customer service voice and when theyre not working theyre a nervous wreck, they hide behind stuff when ever they can and feel more comfortable with something between them and other person like a wall or a magazine or a counter desk, that sort of thing

[cjestie]

i have an exam tomorrow but instead of studying have an au that reached into my brain and took hold of my thought process

au where instead of suspecting is assistants for the murder of Gertrude Robinson, jon started digging and rightly assumed that it was someone in the upper echelons of the institute, most likely elias ((aka I love s1 Tim and a Nice Dynamic between him and jon ((aka theyre Family))))

- it wasn't that jon didn't suspect them at first; but after taking a look at their personalities and job histories it just really didn't match up

- sasha is a delight, and he just could not see her shooting someone point blank. also at a Christmas party three years ago she drunkenly laid out the plan she has for if she ever had to murder someone. in was frighteningly in depth and she used poison.

- tim probably could use a gun but frankly jon thinks that he's the type to get physical. an axe maybe, or perhaps blunt force. also he worked in research before the archives and jon just can't find a motive or connection.

- and martin is martin. that's enough said really.

- anyways jon is digging through all the paperwork and archives from Gertrude's run and he's starting to notice a bit of a disturbing pattern. so he takes all his paper work and spreads it out on the break room table before summoning his assistants.

- "can one of you tell me why it seems like Gertrude Robinson was murdering her assistants?"

- at this point jon is starting to question whether It was a good thing that Gertrude was murdered before she could kill other people, but also, the judicial system exists for a reason!

- anyways they all take a moment, look over the research and then mutually decide to Go Somewhere Else for this. so of course they first go to a bar and get wasted because I'm a sucker for drunk bonding, let them be as relaxed as they can be before shit really hits the fan.

- I feel like they all wind up at jons apartment bc he was either the closest or just has a bunch of spare research stuff because at this point he just does not have a life outside of the archives. (also Martin can't and won't go home, and Tim and Sasha live in the opposite direction))

- the next morning they've all technically got leave from the institute because of the prentis incident, and decide to make use of that time by hacking the institute (sasha) and cross referencing the data bases and archival knowledge to see whos the most likely to take out a hit on Gertrude

- they know it had to be someone on the inside because those tunnels are incredibly confusing and it's really unlikely an outside party could have found an outside entrance, navigated them at the correct time to get to Gertrude and kill her without others noticing.

- after a while they all kind of come to the conclusion that it was probably elias. the evidence all lines up and jons got a gut feeling about it

- the problem now is, what the hell do you do when your boss murdered your predecessor who was also potentially murdering her assistants? it's about 11am and jon stands up, and takes out a bottle of whiskey and after a moment, a bottle of orange juice

- "if I pretend it's like a sangria or something it'll make me feel less bad about day drinking." tim is very on-board with this, Martin is a little concerned, and Sasha is into it.

that's all i got for now, but a few side notes:

- sasha was not replaced by the stranger bc I love her. i think the stranger will just come in as a doppelganger and they'll have to come up with code phrases and shit to differentiate them

- I'm into ending as like, an ot4 but also im into it ending with no pairings except that of found family. I'll think on that later

- all the competent women of the archive will still come around, whether or not they'll be forced to be part of the archive is up for debate, but still likely

- look i just want jon to make less bad choices and know more and be more competent and to have friends! that's all!!

- he warms up to Martin properly in like a month it's fine

that's all for now

[vivezjoyeux]

Turning head vaguely. Beyond trees: turning plaque of old-fashioned round kiosque on corner. Advertising Paris newspapers. Little man standing all day within. Chatting. Chatting. Eyes as bright as sparrows’. Red blotches on face. From toxic waste in air. Or some contemporary plague. Wondering how Gertrude Stein making pictures of you sitting there. In portrait of about three words. First getting picture of you as individuals. Then changing. Until she getting picture. Of you as a whole. Without losing something.

We now sitting on wiggly terrasse iron chairs. Drinking espresso. T rolling cigarette. Wonderfully crinkly neck. Watching little dog. With painfully short clipped ears. Trotting past our feet. Musing how convenient that contemporaneous Western philosophy. Condemning thinking in opposites. Just as technology transforming night/day. Winter/summer. Past/future. To dots on screen. I.e. time as intermittence. Though body still lagging behind. A little. T laughing. When flying from continent to continent. She adding trick of feeling good. While keeping on move. Being to perceive “one’s” self as part of all those little molecules out there. They’re everywhere. These youngish women artists. Got up with individual style. Of snazzy cartoon figures.

South on ave de l’Observatoire. Thinking paranoia (fear). Maybe replacing 19th Baudelarian [sic] spleen. As principle neurosis. Because of over-efficient contemporaneous policing. Having received one more envelope. With neatly ripped corner. Delivered Tuesday. Plus persistent buzz. On telephone wire. But learning how to distribute fear. On faces in windows. Which windows. Mirroring in passing. Writer heading for luncheon. With leisure lottery administration. White shirt with two rows of stitching round victory collar. Black suit jacket. Appearing in broken sets. In succeeding boutique windows. As in broken ꝇ of B’s narrating spleen. Disrupted by thin lines or spaces. Between montage segments.

T saying Freud’s genius. Breaking neurosis into anecdotal fragments. Which bits and pieces. He then re-constructing. Into master narratives. I saying.—Passing open Sunday window. Two young women inside. Coiffed and made up. Sitting on beds. Babies sleeping soundly.—Maybe we still nostalgic for master explanations. Because wanting to be comforted (or punished). T agreeing torn. Between perpetual need for reassuring storytelling Daddy. And unreassuring lack of solution. Suggested by increasing impulse. Towards thinking in patterns. Which dichotomy ruining generation after generation. In 20th. I inviting her to discuss more over coffee. Definitely attracted. But her afternoon blocked out.

Just before bed. Interview on TV with Fellini. We sharing birthdays. Big man. Climbing in car. Being chauffeured across city. Only deciding what to film on way to set. Saying artist needing to be totally disponible. To creative process. I thinking: mystical but true. E.g. in Paris “one” totally disponible. If having equivalent of leisure lottery studio. Providing space for thinking. So ego blossoming to point of (almost) overcoming guilt (fear). No longer desiring punishment. Which desire earlier causing terrible paranoia re: authorities. Now only being punished. By imminent departure.