#theyre watching a horror movie if you cant already tell

[daisy-does-art-and-stuff]

objectober day 20: movie night

im running out of funny things to say for the list link help

someone has probably made this like twice already,, at least

but WHO CARES I AM A FREE TUMBLR USER

[arthurtaylorlester]

RETURN OF THE KING: MALEVOLENT LIVEBLOG EPISODE 37 THE FARM

spoilers (you already know)

back at it with some humming!

JOHN MY BELOVED !!!! youre so bitchy i love him

HES SO PETTY HELP

harpers hill mention omg (harpers hill hijinks coming soon)

“MY BOOK HMPH 😤” girl 😭😭

“i didnt realise” yes because you cant see and john is like really really dumb

it kills me that john is bitching about oscar not finding anything but like what information have you contributed in the last 3 episodes

ive missed bullying john

malevolent is a comedy and i will stand by that

mmm rain sounds

HYPNOS GREEK GOD MENTION ‼️

“can you imagine hahah” yes i can it was the best arc of the show send tweet

well you havent seen his face

whys john being so quiet all of a sudden?

OH WHAT THEFUCK I SAW RHIS COMING

“i suppose ill just watch again” SOMEONE IS A JEALOUS GIRL

arthur ignoring john….. the girls are going to DIVORCE

“not you sorry ^_^” and then he goes back to ignoring john?? girl

oh wait that was very sweet

WHAT THE FUCK I JUST TOOK ABDHDNFN

sorry arthur speaking to john like that just destroyed me

I TRUST YOU AND YOUR MY FRIEND??? IM NOT TRYING TO IGNORE YOU?? THEYRE COMMUNICATING A

“its not because i dont care 💛” “…yes?” oscar this isnt about you

poor guy though he must be so confused

arthurs tone changes so much when he speaks to john

someone get john a pair of glasses either that or he was too busy daydreaming to see the turnoff

oh of course john would want to split off because he hasnt ever seen a horror movie arthur if you die then it’s your fault for not showing him the movie 🙄

“we might have to sleep in the car” okayyyy

oh so now john wants to give him info because he deserves to know

aaaand now he doesnt want to tell him. we love a hypocritical king !!!

return of the canadian sourry

you dont need to sound so smug that he looks hurt john 😭😭

okay oscar love the existential crisis while reading very relatable

is he gonna say arthur is his purpose

oh for fucks sake

NOT THE SOFT “oscar”

ok oscar is def into arthur and arthur saying “i don’t believe in god” is like rejection. this is how unrequited blindfaith can still win.

also god believes in you? well john and kayne sure seem to believe in him for what its worth

oscar nooo dont devote yourself to arthur that never ends well

john i dont care about oscar either but you have got to stop laying it on so think jfc

john the undefeated more like john the opportunist

“woAH” same john same

oooh so john can see auras now basically?

what monster are we gonna find in the barn 👀

oh that sounds fun actually though /j

AWW I KNEW HE WAS GONNA ASK IF HE WAS OK

ok i love how prominent the dreamlands are this episode i was just thinking about how good it was

john just wants his alone time with arthur because he cant answer his questions

“i need another set of eyes” thats like the one thing john can do it must be kinda sad to like, not be able to fully do the one thing you used to be great at

“ *gasp* a forgotten one :0” john dont act like you know what that means

hey is john a forgotten one then. is he. is he though.

can everyone except arthur feel the weirdness of places

NOT THE MUSIC BOX MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND HARLAN WHEN ARE YOU GIVING US AN OST PLEASE IM BEGGIN YOU

ITS MIDNIGHT DONT GO IN THE FUCKING BASEMENT ITS RAINING YOURE BEING CHASED BY AN EDLRITCH THING

john its ok if you didnt see it you dont need to justify yourself ❤️‍🩹

john sounds almost scared to go in the basement lol

the stairs are gonna give out at a later date im calling it

what could possibly happen in the last 15 minutes

a door ajar omg is that a wtnv reference

did arthur almost die by getting crushed by a bunch of furniture

oh a barricade i know what this is about

oh happy halloween btw guys

OSCAR JUMPSCARE

my honest reaction too john

what… what did you just sink into….

oh hole in roof, cool

arthur pay attention oscar hes gonna set hjmself on fire on accident

the jarthur was too busy analysing the painting to pay attention to oscar

OH GODDAMIT ARTHRJ WHAT THE FUCK JOHN WHAT THE DAGGER? THE ONE HE SLIT HIS THROAT WITH

oh he wants to cut it off ok

jfc 7 minutes oh no

I CALLED THE STAIRS CAVING IN

GUYS HE WAS READING THE BOOK OFC HE KNOWS

question: how strong is arthur physically

“A TOWEL!” “A TOWEL?” as i said a comedy

WE GOT A “WELL DONE ORTHUR” LETS GO

you know its weird that i can handle this fine but couldnt deal with the michael torture in the woe.begone finale

NO ARTHUR ITS NOT OK

HES ISNT GOING TO MAKE IT

oh ok hes fine sort of ok

the music goes so hard again

that arthur was so scared

ok the arms alive run

or get john to arm wrestle it idk

“what thE fUCK WHAT THE FUCK” my daily vocabulary

and oscar was right :)

RUN YOU IDIOTS

arthur you could at least carry him instead of dragging him that poor poor man

i find it amusing that this mostly happened because of jarthur studying a painting and ignoring the man currently in possession of their braincells

indeed what do we do now

and thats a wrap! oh boy what an episode i have THOUGTHTS (oscar is not surviving this)

i know like maybe 2 people read this type of posts but i enjoy making and reading them back. so if youd like me to keep going with these i will :)

[imjustabeanie]

uhh i may have to organize this or else im gonna ramble lol-

can i have a matchup for hazbin hotel and helluva boss pls :>

pronouns: she/her

sexuality: demisexual/demiromantic

Star sign (if that helps-): Leo

Personality type: INFP

Ambivert

I use emoticons a lot as you'll see :>

Favorite colors: Purple and black especially since they work so well together

Very much a night owl :)

Personality: I'm a kind of a fun and laid back person but I do like do cause chaos every now and then. I tend to hyperfixate a lot on random things that i tend to find. At first im very quiet but can get more chaotic as time goes on. I can tend to get hot headed at times or be somewhat irrational every now and then and it takes time for me to calm down. Other times im very hyper. Also i have a slight caffeine addiction so that might be why :D

Moral alignment: true nuetral

Aesthetic: Dark academia-ish along with some glitch core because i just really like the look of both

Hobbies: I play the violin, read, write, draw, and i love listening to music a lot. Probably one of my favorite things to do honestly. I also love chilling and watching tv and binge watching stuff. I also have a habit of just analyzing shit for the fun of it because why not. I also really like learning about greek mythology and i like a few musicals. I also watch horror quite a bit and mysteries because I just think that they're fun. I'm also learning spanish as of currently-

Pet peeves: people who cant take a hint... like at all, or they take the hint and just dont care. it annoys the shit out of me. also really stuck up people who think theyre better than everyone else, like we get it youre a child who never grew up. move on. mouth noises are also just the most annoying thing ever.

Appearance: tan skin with dark brown eyes and hair. i wear glasses sometimes but dont usually because theyre not fit properly and i keep trying to get them fir but it never works so ive just given up-. honestly i mostly wear softer clothing such as sweatpants, leggings, or sweaters/sweatshirts. but sometimes i wear jeans and actually style myself although i usually just keep it casual.

Hi! Thank you for your patience I am sorry for being so slow to answer to this trade. I was very sick last week.

Without further wait...your Helluva match is...Stolas!

Stolas was a pretty obvious choice for you to be honest. Your interests and aesthetics click and just like you he’s chill but then pulls out the most chaotic actions out of nowhere.

You two met at night at one of those libraries you only see on pinterest. He honestly just came in cuz he was bored and wished to seek a recent human astronomy book. He found you peacefully reading a mythology book in the corner and was gonna leave you alone till he couldn’t help himself but comment on it. You were so laidback and easy going that you two had a nice conversation where he taught you a few things about mythology (given his age and position he does have an interest in those subjects). It was nice and you two decided to do it every month, then every two weeks and you see where it is going. Stolas just likes coming to you to cool off with no repercussions. It’s what made him fall for you. He confessed after inviting you to watch the stars or a movie he thinks you’d like (high chance you already watched it before but shhh). He confess and also tell you real quick about his marriage situation in case you want out.

Stolas is a caring and passionate lover. His love language is mostly affection and quality time but I believe he’ll wait till you’re ready if you catch my drift. He LOVES spoiling you with numerous gifts and dates. He’d be pretty upset (pouty) if he’s not your go to contact when you need help. He wants to be someone you can rely on, a safe space for you just like you are for him. His gifts range from cinema/concert tickets and your favorite snacks (he doesn’t consider any food as a gift) to actual mythological pieces and priceless violons. Sometimes they even come from his personal collection.

Stolas lives for your chaotic moments! He highly encourages them which results in weekly trouble for both of you (you’re always safe dw but he did get you two banned from a few places). When your hot headed side comes out he’s here to calm you down or get angrier on your behalf. There is no in between cuz your couple is pretty much in sinc. It means you either calm the other down or join them.

Despite his extraverted self, Stolas enjoys some home time. Especially with you. He actually purchases a house in the human world and spends most of his time there now. He wants (begs) you to move in with him. This house has a huge library, two studies, a music room and a very much needed coffee corner. Yeah with those machines you see on tiktok with all the material. Stolas isn’t a morning person at all so he needs his daily coffee and only accepts premium quality. He invested in a home cinema and loves binge watching with you. Those are all things he didn’t get to do often so discovering them with you is a priceless experience in his eyes. Horror doesn’t bother him at all and he can show you much better horror tbh. Stolas also likes analyzing things with you (he listens and chimes in) and actually keeps up with your fixations really well. His favorite thing to do at home is to stay glued to your side.

Stolas often drags you to dance with him in the music room. He is attentive to your tastes and shows you his favorite pieces too! In general he is an attentive lover who adapts to your needs without being overbearing. If you accept his flaws your relation will be…stellar.

Your hazbin match is...Husk!

I did hesitate between a few characters (mainly Vaggie) but in the end Husk won. He’s chill but knows how to have fun. And he’s loyal.

You were at the hotel when you got to know Husk. He was being his usual snarky self but after a few nights (and talks) he slowly became friendlier. He even cracked jokes with you! Music definitely got the two of you to bond. You became someone he felt at ease with. The moment Husk considered sharing some of his problems with you he knew he fell, and fell hard. He started being more attentive to your needs and lost in your voice during your conversations. Everyone knew he was in love so one night they somehow managed to leave the two alone for the night. That’s when he confessed, knowing he couldn’t hold it in any longer.

As mentioned beforehand, Husk is a very attentive boyfriend. His love language is mostly acts of service and some quality time. He makes you your favorite drinks and will even learn the ways of a coffee barista for you. He’s proud of the way he makes you smile and feel loved as well as being your shoulder to vent to. Husk knows he has a way with words and people to make them feel at ease, he’d say it’s a positive trait of his that’s why he wants you to be included in it. Plus he gives good advices for someone with so many bad decisions. Husk likes going on weekly dates with you (besides dinner together every night that he cooks) to watch new movies. He’s mostly a domestic guy so going out in public is something he’d only do for you.

Husk calm demeanor is really helpful when you start getting irrational. He always help you keep a head on your shoulders and is the rational voice. Doesn’t mean he won’t encourage you to go ape shit when someone deserves it. While he prefers the calm, Husk still enjoys your occasional chaotic moments. He knows you try to lessen them for him but isn’t fully opposed to them as long as you’re safe. Low chance he’ll join you but some nagging will work. People are surprised that he’s with someone way more energetic than him but he just shoots some lovey dovey comment and they shut it. Angel is probably your biggest cheerleader in the relationship, he gives a lot of (sometimes helpful) advices to Husk.

While your hobbies differ greatly, I can see Husk appreciating them a lot. Especially your artistic side that he fully encouraged. He’s always there when you practice, even when you get frustrated or have an art block. Husk will become your hype man and do his best to motivate you. He probably got the binge watching habit from you much to Alastor dismay and he actually gets into soap operas….it’s funny to watch. Husk likes listening to you analyze or talk about greek mythology. He’s not great at that but tries to participate (he likes listening to your voice).

Husk will lessen his drinking habits with you. He wants to be the best version of himself for you just like you are for him. He’s really trying and it’s commendable. His gambling is another issue and he needs another fixation for him to stop. I guess with you it could become watching tv as it takes up a lot of his time (not saying that in a negative way but you see what I mean). Aesthetically talking, you two also fit together if we judge by clothing type and your personal aesthetic. Overall he might not be the best guy but he’s willing to change for his love.

[j4mboree]

raph hcs les get it

full name is Hamato Rafaello but he shortened it down to Raphael

he is 15 years old

bisexual and cisgender

he/him pronouns

nicknames: raph, raphie, el, shorty, short stuff (both nicknames by casey)

5'0

raphael is rude, sarcastic, snippy, and sort of a loner. he can be real friggin mean sometimez but deep down hes a huge soft sack. on good days, he can be a huge sweetie if motivated enough.

he trains a lot just like leo and but not enough to actually improve his skills. most of the time he uses his brute strength instead of tactics and only knows enough about fighting to defend himself and a little more.

hes master splinters "problem child" as he describes himself, and while master splinter sorta agrees with the label he views raph as his most passionate child. splints thinks raphs anger can be beneficial and a good thing but he lowkey wishes raph would learn how to channel it more so it can be brought to its full potential. raph is rebellious tho and usually when splinter says something raph is usually the first to find something he doesnt like about it in it and point it out.

he cares deeply about his brothers and even if hes a lil mean to them sometimes or messes with them theyre his favorite people. just like leo, he also watches over the others but in a less apparent way like leo does cuz leo already does that but sometimes he will monitor the others in a way thats similar to leo if leo isnt present. he does this mostly cuz he kinda has a mindset in which he believes that he should be the leader of the group instead and this is his way of being in charge but usually he just pushes it to the back of his mind and tries to not let it affect how he acts.

silly hcs now

hes dating casey and he was the first to confess to him. his liking for casey developed as he got to know case better and hung out with him more

he likes to write and read a lot, and because of this hes pretty literate compared to his other brothers who have a basic understanding and ability of writing and reading (except donnie whos a pretty good reader). he invests a lot of his time into writing and reading poetry specifically gothic poetry.

he also likes music, but usually all he ever does is bang on the drum set he owns and sometimes records and posts the audio online to see if itll get any views and usually it doesnt and it pisses him off so he barely posts the music he makes online.

adores old halloween media like frankenstein, dracula, and overall halloweeny stuff in gen. he often gushes about this stuff to casey or leo or mikey or donnie.

watches a bunch of horror movies often either when hes alone or with other people. he likes the cheesy 80s horror films even if they piss him off sometimes because the titular blonde or brunette girl keeps on tripping and falling when someone is literally chasing her. he also likes gore but not like real real gore but like horror movie gore if you catch my drift, he cant stomach that real shit.

he bites or like nudges people to show he cares about them, like a playful nudge or bite to the arm

roughhouses a lot with his brothers mainly mikey and donnie, but sometimes he also roughhouses with april and usually loses cuz she ends up doing something absolutely unexpected and it confuses him so much to the point it stuns him.

if he wore clothes he'd wear a lot of goth or mallgoth clothing, or cyber y2k shit.

has anger issues fr fr, usually he manages them with music or literature

him and leo get into arguments a lot and even tho sometimes they dont agree with eachother he cares a lot about leo. he and leo often hang out the most and when they do hang out its gossip, video games, or training. however he still thinks of leo as being too soft and thinks that he doesnt take risks enough as a leader.

raph views mikey as his lil bro obviously but doesnt really treat him like it so he doesnt baby mikester. if mikey does something that gets him upset raph legit wont hesitate to rough mikey up a bit but usually he only ever tells mikey to cut it out instead of actually hitting lil bro and when he does its like a punch to the shoulder or slap.

likes donnie's style, even if he thinks don is kinda strange he loves him a lot and likes to hang out with him sometimes mainly cuz he thinks don can be pretty funny and cool. all the out of pocket stuff don sometimes says catches him off gaurd lowkey but overall him and donnie are cool with eachother. theyre kinda like a terror duo when theyre together cuz they cause mischeif sometimes.

raph gossips a ton, mainly about things he sees online that he doesnt like or that catches his attention. when leo isnt available he talks to casey or mikey.

his favorite type of pizza is pepperoni pizza, but only when the pepperonis on the pizza are slightly spicy cuz he likes spicy stuff.

owns a bunch of comic books that he lends to mikey, often they come back torn or dirty cuz mikey forgets to take care of em lol.

ever since april bought him some black nail polish, hes always been wearing it since. he likes the shine it gives his claws and he thinks it looks totally awesome.

also wears eye shadow and sometimez a lil eye liner, he likes the way it makes him look.

fav colors are black and red.

[53o862]

A Fall Fall Fall

where you think the last chicken can live is far beyond where the last man might stand. did you know that the way masters make these specific buttons has not changed in the last 200 years? its true, and by true, i mean false, as i have no actual proof of my claims. I want to create an experience , something youre forced to see carved into your eyelids. slowly turn inside out and someone might give you a prize. Someone somewhere may or may not know me as the clown who knows too much. i hope they didnt see my face, but that might not matter in the end, as i dont think i was very visible behind my clown nose. life is a large chunk of hunk of bread and meat, like a good torta. I dont remember anymore the first time i watched tv. what year did i start staring at a screen, and when will it stop. did you know that the widest oak tree in the world doesnt actually exist? its true, i helped create the hoax with a group of people i met under the sea. we worked hard on it, but it never really caught on, and we've since parted ways. lost touch and all that. I dont really think about how all i do is think, until i sit down and try to create meaningful art. i swear, someone is knocking at my door this weekend. they will bring the news on their shoulders and i wont know how to repay them. the problem with this as opposed to a notebook is there is no end of the page. I like to chew and chew and chew. its good for the heart, and for the soul. if you try to correct my grammar i will kill you and feed you to the beasts of the woods. they wont eat you, because they dont like the taste of people who correct other people's grammar. but i still try to get them to eat every time. theyre starving you know. this time yesterday i was already in bed going honk shoo honk shoo, but we cant all be early sleepers every night, can we? there are few people i respect less than the dude at the end of the tunnel in the park. like get a life man stop trying to shake me down for my sweet sweet chocolate coins man. i dont know what to tell you man they aint for me theyre for the kids man, are you trying to hurt the kids' feelings? because thats what youre doing right now. this is way easier on my wrist than writing with a pen and paper has been. though maybe its just my handwriting that puts a strain on my arm. horace was a strange little man who lived his whole life in the same part of the woods. his family lived in the same little cottage his great grandmother built with her own four hands. she wants me to continue this without getting through more of horace's backstory, as she thinks her great grandson is boring as hell. i watched a boring movie recently. it was a horror movie that came out some years ago, and everyone was all like waow its sooo good you should watch it, so i finally get around to it and i just didnt like it. it was so boring. rant over, who wants to see my collection of things? well too bad! i have absolutely no idea how to get the internet to do my bidding, and that includes sharing images.

[cdmodule]

Who in goiky can handle horror movies the best and who can’t even get past the title screen?-🐕 anon

GELATIN AND NAILY LOVE HORROR MOVIES Naily comes over at gelatin's house to watch them sometimes I think Btw for these upcoming answers, Nate is answering them (Im just writing out what xes saying to me) cuz I am NOT a horror person at all nor do I really watch movies... but Nate on the other hand When It comes to horror movies Naily would like the more "obscure" ones, she has some kind of fascination w them cuz usually when it comes to those theyre either pure gold or very crude but that doesnt mean she doesnt like the more popular ones as well Gelatin loves sci fi horror and also stuff thats like, 80s-90s horror films that are just shitty slashers movies there for a cash grab lmao - anything thats "so bad theyre funny" Leafy and Gelatin usually like the same things but Leafy does Not like horror movies unless theyre also comedic because most of the time he just gets bored by them in the "Its not real anyway" type of way, hes that kinda person. Plus most of them r live action which shes not a fan of Cake prefers those horror movies that are I guess more "down to earth", think of those horror movies that r like "oh group of teen girls having a sleep over" and then someone gets their asses, he just likes the vibe of those. He likes older stuff a lot more (around80s to 2000s) and he doesnt rly like cheaply produced ones, he leans towards more popular stuff. The one thing he doesnt like about some movies is excessive gore, he has a high tolarance to it cuz he can tell its fake most of the time but sometimes Its just too much ykno NOW LOSER.. Loser is the complete opposite, he's like terrified by it even If she knows It knows real but It gets her anyway - as a kid she thought they were real though which is why he doesnt like em as an adult either. She still sits down to watch them with cake cuz he acts like he can handle it but give it about 10 minutes and Loser's like shaking and clinging onto cake. The gore and jumpscares get to him more, the former making him squeamish most of the time so he tends to just Look Away or Leave or Turn That Shit Off etc. Not a big fan of horror movies My addition was that I think cake would only pretend to be scared the first one or two times they watch horror movies so he can cling onto Loser HEHEH The death pact frat house occasionally has movie nights so horror movies are a thing that come up for sure. Bottle and Pie love watching them, Pillow as well but not as much. Bottle likes the more gorey shit because - to quote nate - "Shes quirky like that". Another thought by me (Certified Pie Enjoyer) but I feel like Pie doesnt actually like horror movies in the way you would expect but she LOVES picking them apart and making fun of them which can sometimes annoy others but half the time Its rly funny so Its okay. Its her way of enjoying things. After they watch movies Bottle and Pie would def discuss the movies afterwards n Bottle takes them WAY more serious than Pie does sometimes but mostly Its just for the funsies Pen acts like he can handle it but then cant fall asleep, Tree seems calm cuz he's quiet but when you look at him he's like clutching onto a pillow for dear life HAH. One of them probably sleeps with the other that night cuz theyre both scared. I COULD GO ON AND ON BUT ITS ALREADY SO LONG I HOPE U DONT MIND ANON

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom, season 3 episodes 3-6 thoughts!

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-johnny was actually pretty civil with danny and left when he asked! thats nice. also, SKULKER?? HAD A FRAMED PICTURE OF EMBER?? oooo fuck wait had they established they were a Thing Before?? I dont think so. thats weird. its like that country boy/goth girl meme lmfao. I think i am going to choose to ignore this new info and pretend I didnt hear it. 100% unrelated to the jazz/ember fanart I already drew and posted....😳

-LADIES NIGHT EPISODE THIS IS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT. wish it didnt really center around the guys or them being pissed at them, but. willing to bet this was written by men lol

-THEY ERASED ALL THE MEN??? meanwhile, jack and danny are fishing at. silent hill or something. im glad jack is trying to read a parenting book and making an Attempt. (theyre at lake erie, but, they made it actually eerie...thats fun)

-the girls alt outfits...cute. EMBER MADE A NEW SONG TOO!!! kinda. jazz being one of the backup singers and being AWFUL. NOOOO

-'how are we going to get kitty to blow a kiss?' 'she'll have to think there are still some males in town!' ...i dont know how to break it to you, but I dont know that a 100% het girl would wish for all men to Begone. I think. I mean im not a het or a girl so I dont really know for sure. she Is probably Bi tho. esp having the other ladies in town chanting NO MEN!!! excitedly............(then again, the kiss is to get Rid of men, so, she probably would have blown it at the ladies only if they were actively trying to attack/stop them, so...I MEAN. THE DRESSING LIKE DANNY BIT WAS SO EXTRA)

-I feel like an all female cast ep couldve been way way way way cooler than that was. like. why was it still somehow all about Men. ...anyway. (where was valerie...)

-next ep opens with the observants, and, way way more of them than I expected...existed? I mean I guess them being a council/jury of some kind is what I expected from their first appearance (bc at that time they were basically TELLING clockwork to kill danny, not asking,, so I figured they had SOME kind of authority) but. there were so many. anyway, here goes vlad! letting his own hubris go brrrr. releasing a weather ghost for political gain! #justvladthings

-okay say what you will about him (he IS an asshole) but having an umbrella with his own face on it and more prepared to share is SUPER FUNNY. and him being fanned by huge wads of money by his bodyguards. SO ineffective but so Dramatic. He UNDERSTANDS that if youre rich you need to be. you know. obnoxious and kinda eccentric about it! fuckign hate when rich people are boring about it. I would trust vlad with nothing except to not be a boring rich asshole who wears...fucking khaki or some shit. man knows his Presentation Skills. and that 'V' chair in his mayoral office. is that fucking embroidered?

-maddie get your MAN PLEEEEASSSE. IM SO EMBARRASSED FOR HER. the way jack stays simping for this man. in FRONT OF HIS WIFE!!!! ...my god its like a love triangle. jack clearly loves vlad, who loves maddie, who loves jack. jack fenton is at the very least bi, right................. this is an OBSESSION . 'THE V MAN COMETH'???? i...my god. (also, on a serious note, to have a friend THIS SUPPORTIVE...and still be SUCH A DICK TO HIM (TRYING TO KILL HIM AND STEAL HIS WIFE??) NOT COOL VLAD. JACK IS YOUR 1 AND /ONLY/ HYPE MAN. if someone loved and supported me THIS HARD...LIKE. CMON DUDE.

-STOMP the fucking GAS, JACK

-this would make a great shirt design, looks like a metal band design! we love The Maelstrom

-oh, so vlad did in fact get a mansion in amity park. and its purple! good color choice! not as flashy as a CASTLE or MURDER CABIN, but still pretty eccentric, which I appreciate.

-...vlad knows the difference between picasso and da vinci? in the ep last post where we were watching him fail at conquering every historical time ever he didnt seem to know history well enough to like. be effective...was vlad taking art history at college?? (was he an art MAJOR??? we never DID KNOW WHAT HE WENT TO SCHOOL FOR. I kinda assumed business because in the masters of time ep he was still rich without ghost powers so he had to have..known something about business or something, right...but also, art and or theater FITS HIS PERSONALITY. possibly also something science-y, I guess, but I always felt like he got roped into that, esp how pessimistic he was about the ghost portal in the flashbacks to college, like, i felt like he was just there for maddie and was uninterested/un-invested at the time...)

-THIS GHOST JUST ELECTROCUTED MADDIE (THE CAT) BITCH!! THATS MY FAVORITE MADDIE!!! vlad going after vortex and being ~shocked~ .....WHEN. WHEN WILL YOU LEARN. THAT YOUR ACTIONS. HAVE CONSEQUENCES!!!

-the way this random man with a camera sees the mayor laying in an alley covered in TRASH AND DECIDES TO TAKE A PICTURE HAHAH

*snap* this ones going in my cringe compilation!

-vlad 'if we're going to defeat vortex, we're going to have to do it together!' *immediately dips after dropping danny off in front of vortex* JKASDFHKJHJKN

-DANNY CAN DUPLICATE!!! ...he couldnt even attack with it, but he DID IT!!! INTO (4) OF HIMSELF!!! SO PROUD!!!!!!!!!!

-'THE ROLLER COASTER EMOTIONS OF A TEENAGER THREATEN MY PLANS!' ...0 self awareness of his own dramatic moodiness. incredible, how dumb this man is. its very close to circling around to endearing, if he was less of an asshole. at least its very very funny to see danny shooting him with tiny lightning bolts anytime he's even slightly irritated! vlad you should be nice to danny anyway. this is what you GET

-...making sandwiches and ice cream and playing video games with your nephew is a totally normal thing. WHY is vlad acting like this is the end of the world. if you were a GOOD UNCLE YOU WOULD ALREADY BE DOING THESE THINGS!!! bitch I make my nephew food all the time and dont forget what he does and doesnt like. if u didnt know danny didnt want tomatoes, thats on u. if u, a grown adult, are gonna piss of the 14 yr old by not letting him win, u deserve to have to pay for the arcade machines he ruins because he now has uncontrollable storm powers because YOU THREW HIM INTO A FIGHT WITH THE STORM GHOST. fuck u vlad. paypal me $400,000 while ur at it tho. (also, gamer vlad confirmed)

-VLAD CAN COOK THOUGH???! I assumed he had...people working for him that did that. I mean. billionaires usually dont do that. then again, we've only seen those vultures working for him (and I guess the dairy king was AT his old mansion, but it was never really clarified if he worked there...I think he probably just Hung Out and they Enjoyed Cheeses Together. thats what I think, I dont think a KING would be working for anyone and also the dairy king was nice <3) but then again he would be a private person and we cant have anyone accidentally finding Ghostly Things, so...still, that's hilarious. pour one out for that really cute banana split that got ruined 2 seconds later

-vlad just fucking picking danny up and THROWING HIM AT VORTEX TWICE WITHIN LIKE A MINUTE. JUST ABSOLUTELY LAUNCHING HIM. BITCH THATS MY SON BE CAREFUL!!! HES GOT ORGANS AND THINGS!!!!

-danny seeing those animal commercials and feeling sad is the biggest 2000s throwback so far. i legitimately had to change the channel or walk out of the room when those came on bc id CRY AND BE SAD ABOUT THEM FOR DAYS AFTER. fuck those commercials and fuck that IN THE ARMMMS OF AN ANGELLLL song 😭

-'vlads ego almost got the town destroyed!' yes danny thats the entire episode. the entire series anytime vlad shows up honestly. this episode was just him being really embarrassing the entire time, and, me laughing about it. 10/10 would laugh at him again

-NEXT EP WE HAVE A SHAPESHIFTING GHOST?? I've said it before but shapeshifting is the power I would want when asked those 'what superpower do you want' questions...its the Best power! this guy looks like a homestuck character. ive never read homestuck but thats the vibe

-I love every time we see tuckers family, they are by far the most functional family. and dash has a lil chihuahua!!! named pookie!!! i am crying (I've had 3 chihuahuas, so I am very biased, but...) AND HE WATCHES THE ROMANCE CHANNEL WITH POOKIE. POOKIE I WILL DIE FOR YOU YOU SWEET LITTLE BABY.

-danny can lift a bus! I shouldn't be surprised, but i am proud of my son. hes got lil kid fans. i am going to cry about this

-JAZZ KEEPS A SCRAPBOOK WITH DANNY'S LIL HEROICS AND NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS!!! we've actually seen it on her floor before, but I didnt realize it was a scrapbook!! thats sooo cute.

-...and danny has to stand there listening to his parents saying danny phantom sucks and is a 'filthy ghost' and calling him egotistical...i am once again stealing their kids!

-THIS GHOST RIPPING JAZZ'S SCRAPBOOK!!! ILL KILL YOU. SHE WORKED HARD ON THAT!!! BITCH

-yes, maddie, the one with red eyes is For Sure Actually Your Son. ignore the, red eyes... (CLEARLY she hasnt watched the other 2 eps where danny has been evil, she doesnt know red eyes= evil!!!)

-'billy fenton'.......................

-danny being stuck as phantom in his own house, no way out is a fucking NIGHTMARE. his parents pointing giant weapons against him and SHOOTING AT HIM. THIS IS A HORROR MOVIE.

-NINE INCH NAILS POSTER.

-this is the most screenshot of all time

-amorpho turning into mr. lancer because hes 'someone no one will want to be around' BUT HES WRONG, I WOULD BEFRIEND AND HANG OUT WITH MR LANCER SO FAST.

-tucker dressing as danny, now I have the full Tucker set of him being sam and also being danny. also saying 'the ghost...uh...RIPPED MY FACE OFF.' and then running. SMOOTH. NOT AT ALL CONCERNING TO ANY PARENTS.

-sam accepts the toast from jack. and then 2 seconds later is like 'why am i eating this.' THIS SHOWS HUMOR IS SO UNEXPECTED SOMETIMES ITS REALLY GOOD. and then the scene after, mr lancer running into his ghost doppelganger and being like 'YOURE GORGOUS' THEN FAINTING. I AM CRYING. AND DASH FAINTING TOO.

-sam disguising herself as danny again to help tucker run from the fentons. but leaving him shirtless in the streets. incredible. 'plEASE DOnt NOTice MY FACELessNESS I MUST LIVE IN EXILE' this episode is destroying me the humor in this show is exactly my brand of corny and cheesy

-the impromtu story made up by danny and amorpho to explain stuff to the fentons. my god they are both such bad liars. but amorpho is a good egg. wish danny wouldnt have said he didnt wanna see him in town again!! I want him to be reoccurring. not that thats gonna matter since I'm almost done with the series, but the idea of this being the Only Time We See him is :(

-NEXT EP SAYS STARRING MARK HAMILL??????!!! hello ! mr . joker....mr. star wars.... I feel like I should be. idk. taking off a hat im not wearing in respect. I shouldnt be surprised tho bc hes in a lot of cartoons as a very good voice actor, and dp has already had a lot of talented ones so I've been looking out for ones I might know, but....mr. hamill....

-sam has her own greenhouse, names all the plants, and says thank you to them (in the languages from where the plants are from) whenever she harvests from them. thats SO cute. and her lil gothy lunch box...

-and danny's lil red fuzzy lined jacket!!! ive said it before but every time the characters get alt outfits im like :D

-danny has ice powers now!!! THATS WHAT FROSTBITE MEANT. HE KNEW SOMEHOW WAY BACK THEN

-THIS SHOW NEVER LETS YOU FORGET VLAD IS A BILLIONAIRE, HUH.

-danny's lil 'holy hibiscus!' first off the 50s batman swearing is hilarious. 2nd. my username is from the flower sanchoyo hibiscus, so, shoutout to ME this ep. hi :)

-EURGH UNDERGROWTH MAKING EVERYONE PLANT ZOMBIES. HIVEMIND PLOTS SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME. and this dude made the city SO overtaken so quickly like how long was danny asleep?? oh god

-evil fucked up sam! now the whole trio has gone evil at some point! the voice actress did a really, really good job with making her sound like a zombie...

-frostbite's paws are so so so big compared to danny. oh my god. i want to hug the snow dog...

-the far frozen has an advanced medical stuff!!! very cool. very smart snow dogs

-im so glad danny has a friendly ghost snow dad to explain this new power and teach him!!! this is so sweet. DANNY'S GHOST SENSE WAS A PART OF HIS ICE POWER?? OOOH. COOL. we love a training montage!!!

-danny saying if he cant defeat overgrowth, that he'd want to stay with frostbite...oh my god...do you think this is the first real supportive adult figure in his life (I am NOT counting his parents because they threaten him on the daily even if they dont realize it.) I mean mr lancer is a Teacher, but he was also nice but this is different, but this is a GHOST WHO IS WILLING TO HELP HIM with his powers and also will help him when hes injured and is so so nice and comparatively so much more mature than 90% of the adults in this show!!!! god. dad frostbite is my everything.

-the framing and lighting this episode, and all the angles...they went all OUT and it looks really really good. this is my nightmare scenario, tho. like, FUCK zombies and dead city zones and hivemind shit. and using the humans as 'nutrients for the children' i am going to THROW UP.

-MALEFICENT VIBES WITH THE HORNS AND GREEN EYES! this costume kicks so much ass. sam is now mark hamills daughter, I guess.

-danny's ice powers making his eyes blue!!! thats neat. and him going for the roots underground was SO SMART. i will not stand for danny ever thinking hes stupid, hes SO smart.

almost done with the show... :"( thats a sad thought!!!

[analogseeker]

I legitimately want it all

ill probably give some of mine too if that’s fine

putting a read more option for your sake

OHOHOHO OKAY !!! well i already posted my pronoun hcs so thats already out of the way (i have a giant complex polycule but idk if yall r ready for that /lh)

okay so. first of all everyone in danganronpa has adhd i dont care . im right.

sayaka!!!!!

sayaka is bi with a pref towards women, shes def trans too!!!!!!! she likes making metaphors n loves symbolism! she is very good at understanding people !

mukuro!!!!!!!

mukuro is transmasc, theyre still figuring out what he likes but he knows he likes women <3

leon!!!!!!

leon.. leon my beloved. he has adhd you can't tell me otherwise. anyways ! he sings in his freetime and is pretty good at it but they are really embarrassed about it, especially when someone notices and mentions it. leon has fish memory and struggles to remember things, but he can remember random stuff at the worst times !! he has little to none impulse control.

n back on my adhd leon bs but. leon has adhd and only used his baseball talent to get rid of excess energy and then it developed into a hyperfix but the killing game happened so it kinda died down and he hyperfixated on being a musician/singer n stuff

chi!!!!!!!!

okay so. chi is bi n ace n theyre transfem (please no discourse i will only trans their gender more<3) !!!! they play dnd (yasuhiro taught em n they hold dnd nights - its a total disaster)

chihiro collects lalaloopsys and a bit of monster highs because she saw celeste had a collection and was like :0 !!!!! n so celeste gave her one and that's how she started collect monster high dolls

chihiro, miu an celeste meetup and they watched monster high movies also chihiro sleeps with plushies you can't tell me otherwise

taka.. taka..

hes nonbinary (chihiro is transfem, mondo is transmasc n taka is nonbinary they are trans buddies<3) n is gay ?? he doesnt rlly kno but he knows he likes men ! (theyre a flaming homosexual .) he physically cant swear sorrye<3 n uhhh hes neurodivergent idc idc

celeste!!!!!

OHOHO I GOT SO MANY HCS FOR HER.. <3 shes aroace (an alt hc i have is that shes bi!!!!!!!!!!!!) . whenever shes angry or frustrated she stims and sometimes she goes non verbal n semi verbal. she ended up masking her stims alot during the killing game tho </3

on a lighter note ! celeste def had a tea party with her cat when she was younger and still does . i know this. celeste has a vampire, gambling and twilight hyperfixation !!<3 she wants to have fangs soo bad (alt hc is that she does have fangs n likes to freak people out w em!).

she likes mystery and horror novels. she also likes those deep/philosophical books. she likes the books more when they're longer too :] anywywaya. she collects monster high dolls and has meetups with miu about them and a seperate meetup with chihiro (she doesn't trust miu near chihiro). anyways her favourite doll is elissabat

kyoko

the only important hc you need to know is that she had a r/imnotlikeothergirls and a r/im13andthisisdeep phase and is transmasc.

toko

she knows how to sew ! she sews in her free time ! it helps her calm down :]

peko

she likes going on midnight strolls . shes also a mom friend (especially towards kazuichi idc what yall say)

ibuki miodaaaa!!!!!!!!

i have so many hcs for her. ok so . genderfluid, bisexual n ace . she is THE adhd. she totally uses typing quirks . she can rollerskate n skateboard . shes okay ish at skating but thats only cause mikan helped her. after the killing game she was rlly anxious around mikan :( n junko n mukuro (bc they associated w mikan) n so she was vv hesitant but overtime they healed n :) theyre inlove.

she also steals everyones hoodies . yes. everyones. she also forces people to match w her n steals ppls clothes /r or /p she doesnt care. if its comfy she wants it. she got into pokemon n other games because of chiaki n references it a lot :]

some sadder hcs ,, uh,, she deflects a lot and avoids talking about her problems because she feels like she's too much to deal with. she doesnt like being bossed around/getting told what to do, she dislikes tasks an being told to ‘focus’ and such</3 she also hides her problems and always acts energetic and excited :((

on a lighter note uh!!!!!! they're very forgetful so they write notes but they tend to misplace them so everyone finds random notes laying around so if ibuki plans out a surprise party everyone knows ahead of time and ask to help set it up and ibuki always goes “how'd you know??”, thankfully no one has found out about the surprise parties for them as someone else finds out before them

mikan

she stims! a lot ! she decides to cut her hair n start over :] she knows how to figure skate n used to do it ! shes pretty good at it ! also shes bi n trans . yea.

gundham

has a forked tongue n likes to freak kazuichi out w it . he also plays dnd !!!! chihiro , hiro n gundham dnd buddies!!!!!!!! anyways they collect dragon figurines, toys & other dragon themed stuff.

gundham had a dragon and dinosaur hyperfixation at some point. he still somewhat has one but it's not super intense but he does know lots. lots of dinosaur facts. like. he will be calling everyone a fiend and then be like ‘ok pause. did you know [dinosaur fact]?’. kazuichi and him will be arguing and he will say a dinosaur fact and kazuichi is like “ok what. we are in the middle of the argument- also wait really??”

they bond over dinosaur facts and infodumping and kazuichi is just how the fuck did this happen i was just calling him an asshole like 0.2 seconds ago and now im infodumping to him about how cars work

“hey you know what ur a fucking asshole” “you fool! you dare insult me?? also [dinosaur fact]” and then 2 seconds they're just sitting down infodumping “and that's how cars work!” “i see.... maybe you are worthy of talking to me” “gundham we've been talking for an hour about dinosaurs and cars”

they also came up with the great idea of dinosaur cars. and say stupid shit about it and No One understands it except them.

the nagito komaeda himself !!!

when anxious they tend to play classical music and it surprisingly calms them down :] hes also nonbiney <3 he tends to zone out n likes to jokingly go "am i ur little pogchamp" to hajime. its very funny

chiaki

she is almost always listening to music, she also carries earbuds or headphones with her incase she gets overwhelmed, she can play music . she has cat headphones . yea

kazuichi

he is the adhd . sometimes he will hyperfocus on smth n then ibuki will have to call akane just to drag him into bed . tho this usually ends up in kazuichi hearing ibuki call akane n then bolting it moments after (they find him passed out under the table).

he has lots of fidget toys (he hoards them) ,, when he's nervous he plays with his hair and fidgets with his braid. tho if gundham is there when he's nervous he plays with his rings!!!!!! hes also surprisingly flexiable????

sonia

i hc her as aroace . she is aroace. i think its funny gundham n kazuchi r inlove w her n shes like ahaha,,, im aroace actually! i dont like u !

rantaro

hes agender n aroace . idk something something triple a battery. he fidgets with his bracelets n rings a lot :] he has horrible memory tho </3 also. insomniac. him n kiyo.

kaede

she has music note earrings n is dating all the danganronpa girls . she is the Sapphic. she has nicknames for all of em :]

kirumi

shes nonbiney n aroace<3 she spoils n favourites kokichi . she is also a wine mom. i know it in my bones. she also carries around different types of bandaid boxes with the v3 casts names on different ones because she knows they are picky about their bandaids and its unbearable (affectionate)

angie

angie has a million little bracelets n knick knacks !!!!!!! :] she also names plants after her classmates (she named sour grapes after kokichi bc she hates them both<3)

miu

miu my aroace sex repulsed icon who makes sex jokes jus for funzies.... i love you.. anyways they have fangs and tend to make jokes about being a vampire. <3 its funny<3 shes funny i love her<3 i am her<3

she watches kids shows & movies and forces the others to watch them with her. gonta and her watch them together a lot, especially the ones about bugs!!!!!!!

miu can beat almost anyone in chess and she always flexes because she is the gorgeous girl genius. she doesnt even try tho shes just naturally good at it . tho when she plays against kokichi its like that one (me who's eating the chess pieces vs the smart kid confused why he's losing) and kokichi is the one eating the chess pieces

she collects dolls and has a monster high collection n she customizes some of them. celeste and miu collect dolls together and they have meetups and its super fancy and miu likes to make sexual jokes n puts doll togethers n goes 'theyre fucking' an celeste is just. sacrifices must be made if i want to talk about dolls huh

keebo

MY NONBINARY KING I LOVE YOU!!!!!!! KISSING HIM RN . HOLDING HIS HAND AS WE SPEAK. anyways. he doesnt know what milf, dilf & gilf mean and everyone tries to keep it that way. minus kokichi. cause hes a little shit.

“what does .. milf mean?” “it means mom i’d-” “IT MEANS MAN I LIKE FISHING”

“what does gilf mean?” “hehe it means grand-” “IT MEANS GOSH I LOVE FORESTS”

because of this he says milf and gilf thinking it means the innocent version of what everyone told him and everyone thinks its funny (keebos confused)

shuichi

he had a warrior cats phase. i know it. never seen the books but he did. he kinned them and had a whole clan (no one lets him live it down. especially kokichi once he finds out). he infodumps to kaede about the books n lore . so she has random warrior cat knowledge .

[that-cartoony-villain]

critrole time baby!!! lets gooo!

nordvpn ad continuation!!! this is actually looking like an ad lmao!! THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TABLE WAS READY HSUABEUbua i cant with these nerds

lets see if travis needs a new character sheet next week or not.... this chase is exciting!! they really are the type to fuck their way out of combat and i love that

our favorite kleptomaniacs fearne and ashton! marisha awkwardly trying to hide is an amazing laudna moment AND I LOVE HER CREEPY ASS SO MUCH

dont leave chetney alone... thats how bell died.. how many one shots pcs can we make travis go through in this campaign?

ashleys chaotic side thrives with fearne and i love her for it... and fearne and imogen being laudnas biggest hypewomen is the best!!

the metagaming pigeons are back! fcg goes on the date yay!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN DOUBLE DATE IMOGEN??? FEARNE IS A SMOKER LMAO

chetney is the best! imogen really is just trying to keep them out of trouble... just a soft dorym moment... i love them

the growth of dorian x chetney travis really tried to be a troll with robbie but immediately fell in love with him and dorian (which i dont blame him) oooh that was such a good line from dorian

imogen you sweet horse girl.... NOT THE TRASH BOUQUET LMAOOOO date time lets go!!

PRETTY I LOVE YOU!!! he got them presents ;-; i love this ogre so much... perfect presents and then they give him trash lmao CHARLESS! its the Soot and Swipe tv show ;)

I LOVE THESE AWKWARD BITCHES SO MUCH BEST DATE EVER!!!!! matt really is rethinking his life as he has a date with the three women of the table hauabsuabi let the date fanfics appear!

ASHTON TIME LETS GO!!!! i want to see what theyre up to... fancy elf oohh ashton and his secrets are so mysterious i really like them and hope taliesin gets to explore a lot of that

THE BOSS???? this is getting interesting.... we getting the side quests out of the way to do them slowly!! so mysterious.... i love it!

I LOVE PRETTY!!! they really went to the theater... HE IS LETTING THEM DOWN SOFTLY I LOVE MATTHEW HE IS SO DONE WITH THEIR BULLSHIT PLS PRETTY IS THE BEST

i love these ladies so much!!! FCG PLEASE jsiahsua sam really is enjoying making the most passive aggressive comments and then be sweet and im so here for this... WITCHY BITCHES!!!!

the group name should be Witchy Bitches and the Others because the girls already have a group name before the whole group lmao

ASTHON BACKSTORY ASHTON BACKSTORY!!! i love them ;-; hes just a sweetheart and i really hope they get a good end to their story.... i am so sad with this backstory this poor enby rock ;-;

they really are just going back to crime right after hsusbaubs theyre so dumb omg... the least stealthy people ever lmao HOW THE FUCK DO THEY KEEP MANAGING TO SCARE PEOPLE OFF AND PULL THIS SHIT OFF???

oh god... another B&E that is gonna go badly... THE CREEPY SHIT IS SAVING THE FUCKING DAY LETS GO LAUDNA!!!! its also a plus that we get to see travis get scared shitless

this is going better than i thought.... love the creepy girl just hanging out with them... PLEASE TELL ME WE'RE GOING FULL CREEPY THIS CAMPAIGN BECAUSE I LOVE IT yes we're going full creepy lets fucking gooooo!!!

we're gonna end on the prebattle arent we?? I LOVE THE CREEPY VIBES SO FUCKING MUCH IM EXCITED!!!! i just love that everyone has a 'i hate this' reaction except for marisha and taliesin... those two plus matt must be fun to watch horror movies with...

i hope they dont fight this creepy person but talk with them and maybe get something out of it... who knows??? see yall next week!!!

[star-mum]

LIVE REACTION TO NIGHTMARE TIME EP 1

Idk if anyone would even be interested in reading this but as I was watching the show last night I kept writing down my reactions on my notes so here we are

*this is all in caps idk why just roll with it*

THE OPENING SONG IS SUCH A BOP OMG NICK LANG HIMSELF ?????? MONSTER FUCKER RIGHTS ???? HIDGENS ENTRANCE HOW ICONIC "LUCY IS HAVING NONE OF IT" I LOVE THAT OMG JOEY PLAYING KONK (?) IS SUCH A POWER MOVE I LOVE THAT THE BEGGINING IS JUST TARZAN FANFIC SKSKSKSKS MARIAH IS TEXTING JOHN (?) AND HES LAUGHING SM WE LOVE A COMEDY QUEEN I LOVE THEM USING THE ZOOM BACKGROUNDS SKSKSKS KONK IS AWFULLY CLOSE TO COCK AND I THINK ITS ON PURPOSE ?? SPECIALLY WITH THE LAG I HAD TO DO A DOUBLE TAKE SOMETIMES SKSKSKS SOMEONE JUST SAID "TED'S ORIGIN STORY" ON CHAT AND I LOST IT !!!!! COULD YOU IMAGINE ???? HANDSOME LADY ? I MEAN SURE TIGHT JOHN IS LOSING IT FUCK MAN, SAME CURT OMG THAT ACCENT OOOOOOOOHHHH BOY I KNEW IT WAS HER FIANCEE SHIIIIT WE CANNOT TRUST HIM I KNOW THIS !!! "ENTAGLED" SKSKS WHAT SIR HES GAY CHILL OUT WHATS THE YEAR, IT FEELS SO OLD TIMEY "I'D SAY YOU HAD FEELINGS FOR THIS APEMAN" OOOOOOOHHHH DONT U SAY JONATHAN IS A PUSSY BITCH I CAN TELL LUCY JUST DROP IT OH SHE ACTUALLY DID ????? FUCK IT UP BABE

(I JUST ACIDENTALY DELETE HALF OF WHAT I WROTE SHIT, ILL HAVE TO REWRITE IT FROM MEMORY) WHAT THE FUCK THEY WERE TRICKING US??? THEY CALLED IT, WHAAAAAAAAT WDYM "PLAY THE PROFESSOR" IS HE NOT A PROFESSOR WHAT ALTERNATE REALITY IS THIS I NEED TO KNOW

ARE THEY GONNA FUCKING KILL HIM WHAT??? SINGING LONDON BRIDGE WHILE CHASING SOMEONE IS MY FAV SCARY TROP HAHAHHA YEEEEESSS "TOOK OFF WDYM" GIRL HE IS HOLDING A GUN WHAT DO YOU THINK "WDYM" WHY DID HE KEEP THE KONK ACT AFTER LUCY LEFT SKSKSKSKS TED WTF SKSKSKS "I DO SOME OF MY BEST THINKING WHEN IM ERECT" HAHAHAHA TED LIKES TO BE A HIMBO THATS GREAT IS HE GOING TO KILL TED ?? AAAAAAAHHHHHH TED HE HAS A GUN PLZ DONT TEST HIM HE HAS ALREADY KILLED A MAN OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUCK RECAST???? WHO IS TAKING TED'S ROLE ????? OH SO ITS NOT OLD TIMEY AFTER ALL RED SOMETHING???? OH TED'S GONNA PROPOSE IS SHE GONNA SAY NO? SHES GONNA SAY NO RIGHT ? FUUUUUUUUCK HAHAHHAHA WHY IS HE NAKED ??? JAHAHHAHA WHAT WHAT IS HAPPENING TED WHAT ? "PROFESSOR SHOULD GO FUCK HIMSELF" HAHAHAHA PORNHUB PREMIUM ACCOUNT HAHAHAH "OOOoooOOoOoOoOoOohhHhhHh BUT IT IS" FUCK NO DONT KILL HER OOOOOOOOOHHHH TED'S DEAD SHIT OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH ROBERT'S ACTING IS *CHEF'S KISS* DAMN OH SHIT TED *NOW* TED IS DEAD FUCK HIDGENS IS HERE NOOOOOOOOOOO IS HE GONNA KILL HER ??? OH SHIT OH FUCK LUCY'S CAUGHT IN  A BEAR TRAP WHY ARE PPL SAYING WORKING BOYS IN THE CHAT ??? OH THATS WHY !!!!!! YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH MINE IS A LITTLE BEHIND IS SHE BROKE ??????? OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHA I KNEW IT HIDGENS GOT PLAYED THATS ON YOU BUDDY OH FUCK HIM UP LUCY ! BECKY BARNES ????? HATCHFIELD LORE ???? WAS SHE RUNNING AWAY FROM HIS HUSBAND IS THAT WHY SHE CLIMBED A TREE APE MAN SHOW UP PLZ WHO IS IT THO ?????? JEFF HELL YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK JESUS CHRIST APE MAN YEEEEAAAHHH WOOLY FOOT ?????? IS IT CHUMBY???? OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH HAHAHA YEEEEAAHHH HOW DID HIDGENS KNOW ????? OH IS IT OVER ?????? NOOOOOOOOOOOO I WANTED MORE ;-----; THIS WAS SO GOOD THO OOOHHH FUCK ANOTHER MUSIC NUMBER JAMIE YOU LOOK AMAZING !!!!!!!!!! I CANT WAIT FOR THESE SONGS TO BE AVAILABLR FOR US (IN LIKE 3 YEARS CAUSE IM BROKE SKSKSKSK) HE DANCES THE CAN CAN ?????? OKAY I SKIPPED A BIT TO BE ON TIME WITH EVERYBODY "ARE YOU FUCKKING HIGH????" YEEEEEEEEEAH PART 2 BABEY !!!!! NICK'S HAIR LOOKS AMAZING OMG OH ???????? BILL AND ALICE !!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD I MISSED THEM !!!!!!!!! OH THE TEEN ANGST I LOVE BILL SM HE'S SUCH A GOOD DAD DEB ????WHY WOULD U HURT BABY ALICE LIKE THIS ???? "I MIGHT NEVER SEE DEB AGAIN" GOD ALICE CHILL OUT LET HER BE A PLAY WRITER BILL CMON "MY BUDDY PAUL" AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH BLINKY ??? I DONT TRUST THAT AT ALL FUCK NO JOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHNNNN I DONT TRUST HES CHARACTER THO OOOOHHH LOVE DISCOUNTS I DIDNT LIKE THE WORKER CALLING HER PRINCESS THO, SHES BILL'S DAUGHTER NOT YOURS OOOOOOHHHHHH NO OH NONONONOONO BILL IS GOING TO DIE I JUST KNOW IT BLINKY IS EVIL I CAN FEEL IT ALICE NO NO LITTERING WHORE JAMES !!!!!!!!!! ALICE IS ALSO GOING TO DIE MAYBE RIGHT NOW WHO KNOWS BLNKY WTF SHE IS A MINOR WTF AAAAAH I DONT LIKE IT HERE JAMES ILY BUT THIS CHARACTER IS CREEPY AS SHIT I DONT LIKE IT HAHAHAH TIGHT LOVE THEME PARK STUPID SHIRTS "I DIDNT KNOW YOU WERE FUNNY" HAHAHAHAH DROWSY TOWN ? THE CHAT PULLED MY ATTENTION TO THAT BUT I DONT GET WHY ? IS THIS BAD "I'D FOLLOW YOU ANYWHERE" THIS IS SUCH A DAD THING TO SAY OH ALICE CMON DONT SAY THAT BILL CUT IT OUT WITH DECIDING YOUR KIDS FUTURE THATS NOT FUN OH GOD I DONT TRUST THAT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO NO NO NO "AHOY BOYS AND GIRLS" NO NONONONONO UNCLE WILEY FUCK OFF THE SNIGGLES NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUUUUUUUUUCK NOOOOO AHHHHHHHHHHHHH "WE'RE THE SNIGGLES DONT BE SCARED" YOU KNOW WHAT SNIGGLES I AM SCARED BUT HELL YEAH SONG TIME OOOOOOOHHH FUCK IT UP JAMES OH ARE THEY GONNA LIKE GIVE THE AUDIENCE A SLEEP INDUCING DRUG OR SOMETHING ??????? "DONT BLINK" AHAHAHA I DONT TRUST THAT AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH "GREAT WE'RE DEAD" HAHAHAH THE SONG WAS A BOP THO "WHAT ARE THE SNIGGLES?" GREAT QUESTION ALICE "NOW U KNOW HOW I FELT WHEN I HAD TO SEAT THROUGH DEH" HAHHAHAHA "SEE U IN A SNIG" HAHAHA SNIGGLETTE ???U OKAY BBY??? OOOOOOOOHHH MORE SONGS HELL YEAH I LOVE ANGELA'S VOICE SM THE SNIGGLE PUNS ARE KINDA CONFUSING ME NGL WHY WAS THAT SO SAD OMG OOOOOOOH SHIT OH FUCK THEYRE GONNA KILL HER I JUST KNOW IT OMG "PRAISE THE WATCHER" OH MY GOD PLZ DONT KILL HER "UNTIL HE'S SEEN EVERYTHING" W H A T LAUREN'S VOICE SKSKSK SO CUTE PAPA SNIGGLE I DO NOT TRUST YOU THOSE ARE ALIVE ARENT THEY ????? OH FUCK SNIGGLETTE IS SHE OKAY ????????? "ANGELA R U ALRIGYT" WHAT "SHUT UP JEFF" OH MY GOD I DONT LIKE WHEN THEYRE SELF AWARE SKSKSKSK " U CAN SHUT THE HELL UP LAUREN" HAHAHAHA BILL OMG HE'S SUCH A DAD HAHAHAHAH ALICE IS SO NICE DO THEY NOT KNOW "ARON AROOON" HAHHAHA OH CHURROS I LOVE THOSE THE GIRL SHE DOESNT LIKE ?????? OH NON BINARY RIGHTS LOVE IT "IS THIS A FRIEND OF ZIGS" OH LOVE RESPECTFUL DAD DEB NOT COOL OH ALICE SHIT ALICE BBY IF SHES CHEATING ON YOU THATS NOT ON UR DAD STOP SHITTING ON HIM LIKE THIS "ITS UR MOTHERS FAULT" OH MY GOD HAHAHHAHA GREG AND ALISON ? AND BETH ?? DOES BETH LIKE HER ????OH NOOOOOO GREG NO U SHITTY SON OF A BITCH GOD FUCKING PUNCH HIM OH  NO HAHAHA FUCK NO THEYRE ALL POSESSED ARENT THEY THATS THE TEEN FROM THE MOVIE THEATER HAHAHHA "it lagged ;-; now we wait" A MAN IN A HURRY HAHAHAHHA OH SHIT BILL IS MAD IS HE POSESSED TOO ??????? OH SHIT WHATS HAPPENING BLINKY ????????? OH NO OH NO SHES GONNA HAVE A PANIC ATTACK THEYRE GONNA BE FINE RIGTH ??????? RIGHT ???? BREATHING EXERCISES BABY CMON OH NO PLZ DONT DO ANYTHING STUPID BILL NOOOOOOOOOOO BILL PLZ DONT DIE AGAIN I LOVE YOU SM PUT UR SEATBELT BACK ON PLZ NOOOOOOOOO OH THEYRE BOTH GOING TO FALL ARENT THEY OH NO OH MY GOD OH SHIT PHONE IS BROKEN OOPS AWN IM GONNA CRY PLZ LET THEM SURVIVE I BEG YOU NICK LANG OOOOOOOOH TWILIGHT BUT GAY I AM *HERE* FOR IT OOOOOH THANK GOD THEYRE SAFE THANK YOU NICK LANG BILL YOURE SUCH A GOOD DAD OH GOD SHIT ALICE CHILL OUT ITS JUST A PHONE BABE "SHE KNOWS IM WATCHING HER" I DONT TRUST THAT IS *SHE* POSESSED OR IS THIS JUST TEEN ANGST ALICE UR DAD IS TRYING HIS BEST PLZ CUT HIM SOME SLACK OH MARIAH TURNED HER CAMERA OFF OH DEAR GOD WHAT DOES THAT MEAN HAHAH I LOVE LIVE BLOOPS OH MY GOD BLINKY IS TERRIFYING FUCK NO DO NOT GET THAT WIGGLY JUNIOR BILL DONT HOW ??????? OH MARIAH IS BACK WHAT DOES THIS MEAN ??????? WHY CANT BILL GET THE MALLET THING DONT TAKE IT YES SMART LAUREN ? SKSKKSS WHAT MADAM IRIS I DO NOT TRUST YOU WHAT ?????? IS THAT ALICE'S PHONE ???? BILL DONT GET SCAMMED OH ITS AN ALL SEEING IPHONE ALICE CHILL PLZ IS HE GONNA DIE ????? PLZ NICK DONT DO THAT ALICE DONT DONT KILL UR DAD 49.95 AGAIN BILL PLZ TRY ANOTHER GAME JAMES DAMN THATS RUTHLESS BILL WHAT AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH IS THAT REAL ???????? IT CANT BE ??????? OH ITS NOT REAL ARE THEY MAKING THEM HATE THEIR FAMILIES AND KILL EACH OTHER ?? A TENDER KISS ON THE CHEEK FROM A DEMON HOW NICE GUYS PLZ JUST GO TO THERAPY I BEG U WHAT ARE U GONNA DO BILL? KICK HER HEAD ??????? (SORRY I HAD TO) BLINKY'S FUNHOUSE THAT SOUNDS WARM AND COMFORTING THIS IS LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF NOT UR SEED FIGHTING IN THE MIRROR PART OF A FUN HOUSE IS ALWAYS A GOOD HORROR MOVIE TROPE OH FUCK ARE THEY GONNA WAKE UP OH FUCK PLZ WAKE UP ESCAPE THIS ALIVE YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH OH SHES GONNA SHOOT HIM ISNT SHE ????? SHES GONNA SHOOT HIM I JUST KNOW IT HES AWAKE SHES NOT IS BLINKY GONNA KILL THEM ?? OOOOOOOOHHHHHH FUCK I KNEW IT OH HELL YEAH ALICE FUCK IT UP ARE THEY GONNA DROW ?? OH NO OKAY DID THEY SURVIVE ???? IS SHARED TRAUMA GONNA SAVE THEIR RELATIONSHIP SKSKSKKS THEY SURVIVED !!!!!!!!! THANK YOU NICK LANG (AGAIN) WAIT HOW DID SHE GET HER PHONE BACK ? OH MADAM IRIS DID GIVE HER PHONE BACK AWWNNNNNNNN ALICE THIS ONE HAD A HAPPY ENDING YAY WELL IG THE OTHER DID TOO BUT NOT FOR THE CHARACTERS WE KNEW

THIS WAS SO GOOD I LOVER STAKID !!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WISHED I WASNT BROKE SO I COULD PAY FOR THE NEXT ONES KSKSKSKSK WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU GUYS TO DO YOUR REACTIONS FOR THE NEXT ONES !!!

I HEARD GREG AND IT WAS CRAIG SKSKKSSK OOPS

*from this part on is reactions from after the show when starkid was answering questions from the chat*

YEEAAH VOTE FOR BIDEN HELL YEAH STARKID

"THE WITCH IN THE WEB" WEBBY ???????? DO WE GET TO SEE HANNAH AGAIN ?????

A THEORY ON TUMBLR FROM REDDIT ON A INSTAGRAM ACC ON YT OH MY GOD SKSKSKSKKS

THE STORIES ARE CANON !!!!!!!!! THEORIES LETS GO GANG

STARKID FANS WHO CAN DONATE TO STARKID PLZ DO I WISH I COULD DONATE TO THESE TALENTED PPL G O D

I WAS CORRECT IT WAS KONK WITH A K

NERDY PRUDES MUST DIE YES!!!!!! WORKING BOYS !!!!

"NICK LANG IS A BOSS"

MARIAH: SAYS FUCK AS ALICE ALSO MARIAH: GEEKED THE *FREAKED* OUT

TIP JAR HAS BEEN OUT FOR 11 YEARS HELL YEAH

HOW TF DO YOU SPELL ZIGGS BTW

OOOHHH THEYRE FAKE THAT MAKES SENSE OK NOT FAKE COMFIRMED BUT PROBABLY FAKE LETS HOPE DEB DIDNT ACTUALLY CHEAT

"WELL I WAS BORN IN 1989" HAHAHAHA

BECKY CLIMBED WHILE RUNNING FROM HER HUSBAND I FEEL LIKE THATS WHAT THATS ABOUT

OH GOODIE I GET TO WATCH THEM LATER IDK WHEN BUT AT LEAST IK SOMEDAY

BLINKY VS WIGGLY

OH CMON NICK I WANTED TO KNOW ;-;

THIS WAS SO NICE I MISSED THEM ;-;

[moistmailman]

House Wife AU part 5

*Halloween Night*

Pyrrha, wearing a cowboy costume: *handing out candy* Oh my goodness, what are you supposed to be, sweetie?

Little boy, happily: I’m an astwonaut!

Pyrrha, giggling: Well you have to be the cutest little astronaut ever. Here you go. *puts candy in bag.

Boy's parents: What do you say to the nice lady?

Little boy: Thank you, nice lady.

Pyrrha, smiling sweetly: You’re welcome, sweetie. Have a happy Halloween! *shuts door and yells towards her stairs* Hey kids! Are you guys almost ready for trick or treating?

Troy’s voice, from up stairs: Yeah hold on! Almost done!

Pyrrha: Please hurry! Uncle Roman and Mercury should be here any minute no—

*Door bell rings*

Pyrrha, grabbing bowl of candy: Ope, more trick or treaters. *opens door* Happy Halloween!

Roman, chuckling: Oooh, we get candy too?

Mercury: And here I thought this holiday was only for kids.

Pyrrha, chuckling: Oh, it’s you two. I’m sorry. I thought you guys were trick or treaters. Please, come in. The kids are getting ready.

Mercury, walking in: So, are the kiddos excited to go trick or treating?

Pyrrha, smiling: They sure are. They been waiting all year for this. They were too excited to go to sleep last night actually. They were too busy talking about how much candy they were going to get. It was adorable.

Roman, smiling: Yeah, I'm sure it was. So, where’s Cindie?

Pyrrha, frowning: Hmm? She should be around here somewhere. Where is she? Hey sweetheart, come here! Roman and Mercury are here!

Cinder’s voice, sighing in the other room: Hold on! Just....give a minute.

Mercury, raising an eyebrow: What’s wrong with her?

Pyrrha, smiling: Oh nothing. Our kids’ picked our costumes and she’s....she’s not the biggest fan of hers.

Roman: Oh really? How bad is it?

Pyrrha: It’s not even bad. She’s just being a little grump. Cinder, sweetheart, are you coming?

Cinder’s voice, approaching: Yeah, hold on! I’m on my way.

*Suddenly Cinder grudgingly walks through the door with a Bo Peep costume on, including the pink polkadotted dress, hat, and even cane*

Cinder, scowling:...........

Roman/Mercury:........*snorts laughter*

Cinder, glaring: You shut your god damn mouths!

Mercury, laughing: Nice costume. Where's your other toy friends?

Cinder, gritting her teeth: Shut up.

Roman, laughing: Are you trying out a new look or something? It really suits you.

Cinder: I swear to God I will fucking shove my foo—

Pyrrha: Hey, language. Just calm down and ignore them, okay? Besides, I think you look really cute in that costume anyway. *kisses her* You're my cute Bo Peep.

Cinder, sighing: Where are the kids?

Pyrrha, smiling: They should be coming down. *Yells towards the stairs* Hey kids! Come down, uncle Roman and Mercury are here!

*Loud footsteps are heard*

Achilles’s voice: COMING!

*Achilles and Troy excitedly run down stairs in sheep costumes*

Pyrrha, cooing: Aww, look how precious you two look. You’re my two little precious lambs. *kisses their heads*

Mercury: So, I see there’s a theme going on.

Pyrrha, smiling: Yeah, they just saw toy story last week and loved it. So they picked our costumes and we picked theirs. *Cooing* And I'm honestly so happy I picked these costumes, but they are absolutely adorable, I swear. Whose mommy's little lambs? *Kisses their heads a bunch againi

Achilles: Mooom! You're embarrassing us!

Pyrrha, punching Achilles cheek: Oh nonsense. There's nothing embarrassing about a mother's love. Now scoot together so I can't take some pictures.

*Pyrrha snaps a bunch of pictures of her kids, while slightly getting teary eyed and mumbling about her "precious lambs"*

Roman, crouching down: So are you kiddos ready for trick or treating?

Achilles, jumping: Heck yeah I am!

Troy, shaming with excitement: I can’t wait! We are going to get so much candy!

Mercury: You got that right! We marked all the rich people’s house that give the best candy out! So your bags are going to be packed!

Achilles: Yes! I can’t wait!

Troy: Lets Go!

Cinder: Hold on, guys. Let me have a word with your 'uncles' real quick. Comm’ere for a minute, you two.

Mercury, sighing: Oh great.

Roman, sighing: Just give us a minute kids. This won’t take long.

*Cinder escorts Mercury and Roman to the living room privately*

Cinder, deadly serious: I just want to tell you guys that if you lose our kids, or if ANYTHING happens to them, I’ll kill you both.

Roman, rolling his eyes: Yeah Yeah, I know.

Cinder: I’m serious. I will kill you both with no hesitation at all. No matter how far you run, and where you hide, I will find and slaughter you both like the dogs you are.

Mercury, groaning: We know already. You literally tell us this each time we baby sit them at all.

Cinder, growling: And I mean it each and everytime too. Don’t let them out of your sights, or so help me god I’ll—

Roman, rolling his eyes: Kill us, we got it. Can we go now?

Cinder: Yeah. Get out of here. And don’t make me regret letting you do this.

Roman, smiling: Right. See you around, farmer’s daughter.

Cinder: Dont you fucking call me th—

Roman, leaving with the kids: Let’s go guys. Say bye bye to your mommies.

Troy/Achilles, waving: Bye bye!

Pyrrha, smiling and waving: Goodbye, we love you! Have fun and be safe!

Roman, waving: We will. See you later.

Pyrrha, smiling: Well the kids are gone now. So you know what that means we can do finally~

Cinder, smiling: Oh most definitely.

Pyrrha: Time to watch a bunch of bad horror movies!

Cinder, chuckling: Yep! Ill make the popcorn! Let's go!

*hours later*

Roman, walking down the street: Man, I can’t believe that Cindie doesn’t fully trust us with the kiddos yet.

Mercury: I know right. I mean, we’re great babysitters.

Roman: We’re the best! And we’re doing this for free too! She should be greatful!

Mercury: She really should! But no, she thinks we're nothing but idiots.

Roman: Tell me about it. We're not that dumb. We are actually very two smart men!

Mercury: You can say that again! Plus the kids love us! Don’t you guys?

Achilles/Troy:.........

Mercury, concerned: Hey, are you kiddos alright? Wait, did you guys change bags or something? *crouches down* What’s goin—.......

Roman, worries: What? What’s wrong? *crouches down* Do they have candy on their mouths or som— *gasps* O-oh my god.

*Roman looks and sees two confused kids wearing identical sheep costumes, but being completely two different kids, both of them being cat faunuses*

Roman, panicking: Oh my fucking god!

Mercury, panicking: Please tell me I’m going insane! Please tell me that I don’t see two cat ears on them right now! Tell me anything but—

Roman, nearly crying: Jesus Christ, we somehow mixed up kids! We got the wrong ones!

Mercury, voice cracking: Anything BUT that!

Roman: Oh my god! This can't be happening?! We just accidentally committed two kidnappings! How is this even possible?! How did we manage to do this?! The chances of this happening is comically and astronomically low! Oh fuck!! This is so stupid, even for us! Oh my god! This doesn't happen to normal people! This is like some three stooges level of stupidity! Cinder's going to kill is!

Mercury: Stop jumping to conclusion man! We might not die! Look, maybe....just maybe, Cinder might not notice if we show up with these two instead. L-like, we could dye her hair red and boom, it's essentially Achilles and Troy! That's possible, right?

Roman: NO, YOU DAMN IDIOT! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! DID YOU SUDDENLY GROW SHIT FOR BRAINS OR SOMETHING?! FOR GOD SAKE, ONE OF THEM IS A GIRL! A GIRL WITH CAT EARS! HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO CONVINCE THEIR PARENTS THAT THEYRE ACHILLES AND TROY?! AND WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH THESE TWO KIDS RIGHT HERE?!

Mercury: I DONT KNOW BUT STOP YELLING AT ME, IM GRASPING FOR STRAWS! I'M DESPERATE!

Roman: OH MY GOD! SHE’S GOING GO KILL US!!! SHE’S ACTUALLY GOING GO KILL US! WE’RE DEAD! WE’RE SO DEAD! OH CHRIST, WE NEED TO MOVE AWAY, FAR AWAY TO A PLACE WHERE SHE CANT FIND US! CHANGE IDENTITIES AND LOOKS! ROMAN AND MERCURY NO LONGER EXIST ANYMORE! WE’RE NOW GRAY AND YURI! GROW A MUSTACHE WHILE I GROW A GOATEE OR SOMETHING, I DONT FUCKING KNOW–

Mercury: GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, MAN! WE GOTTA CALM DOWN! WE CANT JUST GIVE UP HOPE RIGHT AWAY! HOPE IS ALL WE GOT! LOOK, WE JUST GOTTA FIND THESE KIDS’ PARENT AND THEN WE’RE FIND OUR KIDS! OKAY?! ALL IS NOT LOST!

Roman: YOURE RIGHT! ALL WE GOTTA DO IS FIND THEM AND WE ARENT DEAD! YOU'RE BRILLIANT!

Mercury: Okay, uhm....Heya kiddos, uhm.....do you think you guys can show us to your house? You have any idea where you live?

One of the kids: *nods quietly*

Mercury: Yes yes yes yes! We aren’t going to die! We are going to survive! Okay, let’s go!

*meanwhile*

Pyrrha, eating popcorn: I honestly don’t understand why everyone in these horror movies are so dumb. Like, does common sense don't exist in these worlds?

Cinder, chuckling: How else are they supposed to die in these easily avoidable ways for our amusement?

Pyrrha, giggling: Yeah, I guess you’re right. But couldn't they just make the killer smarter?

Cinder: Yeah, but then they would have to put effort into the writing.

Pyrrha: *snorts*

*Phone rings in the kitchen*

Cinder, standing: I'll get it.

Pyrrha: Can you make some more popcorn while you’re at it?

Cinder, smiling: Yeah, hold on.

*Cinder walks into the kitchen and answer their phone*

Cinder: Hello?........Yang? Yang who? Oh wait, you’re one of Pyrrha’s friends, right?....oh, okay. How can I help you?........wait, slow down. You're talking to fast.......what do you mean your wife’s going to kill you if she finds out. What’s going on?......uh no, why would we have your kids?......a mix up? What mix up?.......why do you have Troy and Achil— OH MY GOD, I’M GOING TO KILL THEM!!!

[brunhiddensmusings]

year in review of parenting

thought i would try and record a few prime interactions ive had with my kids so i remember them as my 3 daughters are just so out there - daughter says shes interested in becoming an animator so i have to line up a list of animations on youtube i know were made by one person, including ‘no evil’ by betsy lee, dingo doodles sips and the karaoke of doom, ‘witches on tinder’, and piemations as examples of the kind of thing one person can reasonably do with a lot of dedication and if you pay close attention you can see how each of the animations are done differently - explaining what skaa was, twice - spending  time at gamestop just discussion how some funko pops make sense and some are super dumb. makes sense funko pop would be one of the main characters of a movie thats well loved, dumb ones would be the same but for a movie literally nobody likes but funko pops were released before the movie was so they will never sell, or having 40+ differnt versions of rick and another 50 of morty. even having 15+ different batmans doesnt make sense because given the choice do you want orange batman or classic batman? - no i cannot go to your school to beat up the kid who was mean to you. i mean technically im physically able to but thats not the point - explaining what the music style ‘scat’ is and why its unrelated to the same word used to mean ‘wild animal poop’ - i dont know how to explain to you who freddie mercury is because were in a car and i cant show you a youtube of bohemian rhapsody while im driving - explaining why i am irritated at the kid friendly versions of classic horror monsters, they dont get it so i have to go into detail a- is the wolfman scary? like just a dude thats hairy? no. no he is not. however imagine that someone you know, and you dont know who, may at some point in time turn into a ravenous monster who will attack their friends ruthlessly, its already happened at least once so everyone is on edge wondering who it is. however, secretly it is you that is the monster, living in fear that you could loose control and kill the ones you love most b- the frankenstins monster, just a big green dude with bolts in his neck? scary? no, hes just a larger zombie basically. however imagine someone at college going nutty and then starts to raid the morgue, the cemetery, butcher shops, and surgery wards at hospitals for the human parts he stitches together into a rude parody of a human being and brings it to life. but it doesnt stop there, because he abandoned this new creature that thing now stalks him out of revenge, one by one killing everyone they know - the kids now understand why the majority of the classic monsters are supposed to be scary as balls - explaining COPPA to them because several youtubers we watch together have started loudly announcing ‘not for children’, at which they unprompted start complaining about a youtuber called ‘ryans world’ where a very annoying screaming child tells everyone to buy shit and is repeatedly recommended to them by the algorithm because it knows theyre kids. i should have taken that as a warning so i wasnt surprised at just how much ‘ryans world’ merchandise was in stores this year, like ye gods theres more of it then there was starwars and harry potter merch combined he has his own cereal which is apparently frootloops and disturbing plush animals. we agreed its weird when on his merch theres four different characters but the pink cat girl looks like she was made by someone different then the others because shes got way better detail - explain to kids that ‘green eggs and ham’ was made on a dare, which requires me to recite the whole thing for them to count that there are exactly 50 different words 5 year old- “wheres my sister” me- “in the bathroom, why” 5 year old- “imma hug her” me- “nn.... wow youre - 14 year old in the bathroom- “GAAH!” me- “-fast” - i can do a perfect impression of the ‘huhuhuhuh’ sound sans undertale makes - its been 3 years of me using the phrase ‘sans undertale’ specifically and my daughter who has spent the last 3 years dressing like him and listening to his music hasnt caught on that the way im phrasing it is in fact a joke - kids accidentally stumble uppon a history meme i was part of and i have to explain thats a thing i do - explain to kids what the emu war was - explain to kids who rasputin was - explain to the kids what the problem with hitler was, given the 11 year old is supposed to only get this in the school curriculum this next year i can understand why she was shocked. 14 year old was also shocked becuase she is in the between part of ‘we briefly touched on that war’ and ‘okay now that you are old enough we can explain how shoving people into ovens works’ - they asked, they really did, and only then do i realize that despite it being something everyone should definitely be aware of... figuring out how old and how to explain it really is a tricky matter cause ho-damn most adults get queasy when you explain it and im sure those kids had bad dreams for a week - theyre also aware of the trump concentration camps and were able to draw the connections real quick - pun contest - kid asks me to acquire a daft punk song for her so i can put it on her mp3 player, i have never heard of this song despite her spending 5 minutes describing it and how their eyes are freaky. have to explain to her that when i was about her age daft punk released an entire movie made of music videos. we have to show each other different daft punk videos to understand each other - no, daft punk are the robots, not the blue eye people. literally nobody knows what they look like under the helmets they even show up to music award shows wearing them. the helmets can actually make words and emotes theyre really rad songs we have erupted into together - spooky scary skeletons - narwhals narwhals - another irish drinking song - hubba hubba zoot zoot

[moschicane]

[image description:

vivain’t (@janeynewton):

ok... yall... consider... juno nd duck going to the drive-in in high school... and afterwards stargazing.... and like in that moment duck finally realizes the extent of his feelings and theyre like drinking soda and popcorn.... what im leading up to is duck realizes hes in love with his best friend and spills an entire bucket of popcorn on himself

jennifero77 (me):

cLUTCHES CHEST "hey duck you alright" she asks, not really looking at him, and, while frantically trying to clean up the popcorn, he fumbles out, "who's duck"

vivain't: play it dumb... NOT THAT DUMB juno's teasin him and he is so glad it's dark out bc his face is on Fire

jennifero77: god they're so fucking CUTE..... they're walking home and she pulls him over to a thrift store to look at the weird stuff in the window... and she's like wow this shit's wack isn't it? and he's too flustered bc she's!!! holding!!! his!!! hand!!! to respond

vivain't: YEAH GOOD SHIT duck, still staring at juno and their interlocked hands, voice soft: i think weird's sorta mean... its uh.. kinda cute juno, unaware: duck it's a lamp shaped like a fuckin human foot

jennifero77: the ROMANCE OF IT ALL..................................................... juno voice: maybe i should drive

vivain't:

duck voice: so do u wanna go to prom juno voice: sure duck voice: and i KNOW we ditch every school dance but i was just thinkin this is like our last one and juno voice: duck i already said yes duck voice: and i was just THINKIN about how sick id look in a tux and-- juno voice: i wanna go to prom with u, nerdass duck voice: SWEET

choyniel (@me-choy-me-noy):

Duck and Juno are those dumbass kids that probably hit each other with sticks and then come back covered in bruises and scratches

vivain't: oh for SURE

jennifero77: duck voice: juno hit me with a tree branch but i rubbed a dead bird on her arm so now we're even

jenno divine (@jennifero77): jesus christ

choyniel: Duck voice: i told Juno her hair looked ‘ok’ and she pushed me into the river but i grabbed splashed water on her so were even kinda

jenno divine: duck: i rubbed a dead bird on her arm and she divorced me so we're even kinda

jennifero77 juno's mom: so. what happened. 5yo juno, arms linked with duck, covered in green paint and mud and god knows what else: do you really, really want to know

vivain't hey.. ok.... angst time y'all ever consider how duck has to keep being the chosen one secret from juno and that, they probably never kept secrets from each other? other than pining? and like,, how much it tears duck up he cant just tell juno everything

choyniel OTHER THAN PINING hey fuck you keep going

vivain't juno realizes that ducks keeping something from her, because, well, of course she does this is juno, who knows how ducks feeling from the inflection of the way he says hello juno, who hes called, crying, over the dumbest things and the most important things. juno, who doesnt keep anything from duck. other than, well. something thats scarier than every horror movie theyve watched together-- her own feelings and just after ducks birthday, he becomes more distant, and then more clingy, and then more distant and juno cant figure out why and it's so frustrating and she asks whats wrong, something theyre well past. they just tell each other. no asking needed. and duck looks at her and he just goes "i wish i could tell u" and it breaks both of their hearts. bc this changes things. there are things they keep from each other, after that. little things. but they add up, of course and theyre still duck and juno. they cant imagine never not being duck and juno. but now its duck, and ducks secrets, and junos new job, and juno. until things gradually start to push them apart, just a little bit. anyways! : )

end id]

join the junoduck discord i’m begging you

[whattimeisitintokyo]

Somos Familia: Chapter 34 (Part 2)

Well this chapter ended up being way too long. I had planned more for this chapter, but that ended up being long enough to be its own chapter and I’m tired of feeling that I have to finish the whole thing in order to post it. So here’s the last bit of the chapter. You can find the whole chapter on ff.net, and I’ll try to have it up on AO3 with a illustration soon. Sorry again for the long wait.

Also tomorrow is my birthday. I guess you could say that finishing this chapter on my own terms was my gift to myself. :)

---------------------------

Chapter 34: No Me Dejas (Part 2)

“Three days have passed since Dia de Muertos, and the country still mourns the abrupt and tragic loss of Ernesto de la Cruz, widely considered as one of the greatest musicians in the modern history of Mexico. Señor de la Cruz had just finished performing a concert that evening when sources say that a giant prop bell had accidentally broken off from the stage rigging above the singer, crushing and killing the singer instantly.

Since then thousands of grieving mourners have flocked to the gates of de la Cruz’s magnificent mansion in Colonia del Valle, holding candle light vigils and singing prayers while also leaving tokens and flowers outside. The mansion has also served as the home to his goddaughter and rising starlet, Coco Rivera. Whilst being known as a favorite topic of gossip this pass year in newspapers and magazines, Señora Rivera has surprisingly been keeping a low profile and out of the public eye since that fateful night. It can only be assumed that she is taking this time to mourn as well for the loss of such an important family member.

In related news her father Héctor Rivera, de la Cruz’s longtime business partner and songwriter, has been in hospital since that night after being taken from the scene by paramedics. There is no word on his condition, but his lawyer has assured that Señor Rivera was not injured in the stage accident but is instead seeking treatment for an undisclosed illness. We here at Excélsior wish him a speedy recovery and our thoughts and prayers are with him and his family.

Petitions are already being made to have Senor de la Cruz’s body to be lain to rest in his hometown of Santa Cecilia in Oaxaca, despite heavy requests to have him entombed in la Panteón Civil de Dolores alongside other famous people in Rotonda de las Personas Ilustres.

At the time of his death Señor de la Cruz was in the middle of several movie projects that will sadly forever remain unfinished, including a biopic about the Mexican Revolution, and was in talks of a deal to lend his voice for an American animated movie with Dis-“

A low, quivering moan broke Imelda’s concentration on the newspaper and turned it towards her husband currently occupying the hospital bed in front on her. With a sigh she folded it and placed it to her side, reaching out and grasping one of his twitching hands with hers. She winced at the tremors she still felt rattling slightly through his fingers, as well as the awkward way she was forced to hold his hand.

What with his wrist being tightly braced and strapped to the guard rail of the bed.

His other hand was also strapped on the opposite side, and a large padded belt wrapped around his thin chest to keep him firmly in place on the bed. An oxygen mask was placed over his face and several IVs were pumping him full of fluids and medicine. And despite being in a deep state of sleep, his teeth were clenched tight and his brows knitted into an expression of intense distress. A keening whine escaped his throat that gave into a deep, hacking fit of coughs.

Imelda immediately pulled off the mask and brought a clean handkerchief to his mouth as Héctor coughed painfully, only the straps keeping his body from convulsing on the bed. Finally, with one good expulsion he was able to clear his airway for the time being, gasping as Imelda wiped the corners of his mouth and placing the mask back. As he settled back down, he gently started to tremble again, whining pitifully and tears leaking from his dark sunken eyes.

Imelda sighed as she brought a clean corner of the handkerchief to wipe the tears from his face before placing it down to run her fingers through his greasy, unwashed hair to offer some form of comfort. It only seemed to distress him further and with a broken dry sob he wrenched his head away from her touch, lost in his nightmares.

It was truly heartbreaking to see Héctor reduced to such a state, but she was grateful to see him getting at least some form of rest. Especially after the last few days.

“What is this?!” she had screamed at the doctor, watching on in horror as several orderlies fought to restrain her husband’s mad flailing. “This is not pneumonia! What is happening to him?!”

Before the doctor could answer Héctor let out a wail and swung a punch at an unfortunate orderly standing too close by and knocking him off his feet. His arm now free he managed to rip off the IV out and began to frantically scratch at his chest, all the while yelling out profanities and indecipherable words as his eyes tracked at unseen figures and visions. As Imelda was hurried out of the door the last thing she heard was Héctor calling out for Ernesto.

And then for her.

“It’s the DT’s.” the doctor had explained after he was able to calm her down some with Coco and Julio by her side. “Delirium tremens. It’s alcohol withdrawal. If he’s been drinking for as long as you’ve said, Señor Magallanes, then it’s quite dangerous for him to just completely stop. It causes vivid hallucinations, irregular heart rates, sometimes seizures and, if severe enough, death.”

Ignoring the agonized weeping from her daughter and her own chest clenching in grief, Imelda whispered. “What can be done?”

The doctor wrung his hands and looked down in dismay. “Honestly, not much. There are medicines that can be given to treat this, but they would adversely affect his respiratory system. Given his pneumonia I can’t recommend giving it to him. Also, there’s the fact that he’s malnourished, and the shock… All I can do is give him some mild sedatives and monitor his heart and lungs. The rest is up to him, I’m afraid.”

They had returned to his room a few hours later to find him as he was now: strapped down and barely able to move, Dios knows that he was trying though. Despite the small amount of medicine that was given to calm him down, Héctor still saw visions that were terrifying to him and he strained to lash out at them. His screams had died down to pitiful whimpers and moans, and tears streamed down into his hair and ears. Over the next few days he was either in this state or a death-like sleep, and Imelda didn’t know which one was worse.

She felt absolutely foolish about it now, but seeing her husband going insane right in front of her had caused her to lash out at her daughter. Why didn’t she tell her that it was this bad? That he was starving and drinking himself to death, that his cold was actually much worse than it was, and that he was so miserable and broken-hearted that he screamed for her in his nightmares?

Instead of a cowed child being rightfully chastised by her mother for keeping secrets from her, Coco had met her glare dead on and even more. Imelda flinched back in shock at the righteous fury that showed on her daughter’s face, and what she had said next had finally knocked her off the high pedestal that she had set herself up on:

“What do you care, Mamá?”

And Imelda had to admit, she was right. Nothing she had done the past few months had shown that she cared about the man that she had kicked out of her life. She ignored every call, sent back every letter and telegram, even dodged each mention of him when Coco would talk to her on the phone. When she had bid a warm goodbye to Julio and Victoria she told them to give her love and warm wishes to Coco when they arrived. But not to Héctor. She just didn’t care.

But that was wrong. She did care. She cared about him and loved him so much that it hurt. And seeing her husband now, so lost in his sickness and misery, Imelda couldn’t bear the guilt that was crushing her from the inside.

“idiota… This wasn’t supposed to happen.” Imelda whispered as she locked Héctor’s cold fingers around hers once more. “You weren’t supposed to do this. Héctor…”

But he continued to sleep fitfully, his breathing hitching and occasionally giving in to more cough fits, and she continued to stay by his side. It was all she could do, now that it was too late.

-----------------------------------------

It was quiet now.

The walls had stopped melting into putrid puddles of gore and maggots, the bugs had stopped buzzing in his head and stinging his flesh, and the monsters had stopped attacking him.

The monsters were the most terrifying though. They held onto his arms and legs so tightly that he thought he would end up breaking his bones in his efforts to get away from them. They had looked human too, but humans didn’t have glowing white eyes and rotting flesh. They’re voices were low and distorted, filling him with dread despite what the words they said that were supposed to sound soothing.

Señor Rivera, calm down. You’re safe!

We have to give him something!

We can’t risk his lungs giving out! Just strap him down!

Dios, turn him over! There’s too much fluid, suck his lungs out!

It took forever for them to finally let him be, after many terrifying episodes of not being able to breathe and more fits of screaming in terror of the horrible visions in front of him, but he was finally able to break free and make a run for it. Well, run wasn’t the best word for how he was able to finally move. Floating wasn’t either. The world seemed to dissolve into a myriad of distracting colors and sounds, and he simply let his mind flow with it in a dream-like state.

And then suddenly he found himself finally there.

Back in front of the bell.

With a cry of triumph, he made his way over to it and braced himself against it in a sort of clumsy hug. “Don’t worry Ernesto! I’ll get you out! You’ll be alright!”

And so he had pushed. And pulled. Digging his feet into the earth and straining as hard as he could against the cold hard bell. He shouted encouraging words towards his friend, not letting the lack of a response deter him in any way. It seemed like he did it for hours, for days even, his throat hoarse as he cried out for help from someone, anyone! He’d even accept the monsters help if he could find them. In a last ditch effort he had even called out for his wife, pleading with her to help him even if she wanted nothing to do with him afterwards.

But she didn’t come. He could swear he heard her voice whispering to him, but he couldn’t make it out no matter how hard he tried to listen. With a broken heart he could only conclude that she was telling him to leave her alone. She had no use for such a lousy husband and a terrible father to her children. He couldn’t say he blamed her. He couldn’t even help his brother escape from his prison.

He was worthless.

And so, for the longest time, there was nobody except him and that bell. When he couldn’t push against it anymore, when his voice finally gave out and his spirit broke, he sat in front of it and softly cried. He murmured apologies to Ernesto, to Imelda, to his children, to anyone he had wronged in his existence. There was no use. There was nothing left for him. Except that bell.

“What are you doing?”

With a gasp Héctor looked up at the new presence before him. At first he feared it was one of those terrible monsters come back to take him away again, but it’s voice was not bone-chilling and grating. Rather it was sweet and clear, the clearest Héctor had heard in a while, but the figure itself was… light. A vaguely human shape ball of light that burned so bright yet oddly didn’t hurt to look at. If he squinted a little Héctor could guess that its head was slightly tilted in a sort of curious quirk. It was sort of cute, if a ball of light could be considered cute, and Héctor found himself slowly start to relax.

“I-…” he sniffled pitifully and turned watery eyes towards the bell. “I can’t move it… Ernesto’s under there and… I have to save him.”

“Really?” the light said and floated over the bell. Héctor saw a hand reach out and knock against the bell, and it rang out loudly enough for Héctor cringe back with a wince. He didn’t like that sound. Not at all. “I don’t know. Sounds empty to me.”

Héctor gaped at the bell, his heart sinking, and frantically shook his head. “N-no!... He’s under there! I saw it drop on him!”

The ball of light chuckled in tinkling sort of way, and Héctor glared at it. “Well, si, you did. I saw it too. But that was a while ago. He’s not under that bell anymore either. This bell,” it said and knocked on the bell again, the loud clanging causing Héctor to grip his head in pain. “… is hollow. Empty. And is just here to waste your time.”

Tearing his hands from his head, Héctor stared wide eyed at the ball of light. “Waste my time?... What do you mean?”

“I mean you need to wake up and face reality, tonto!”

Suddenly the ball of light zipped towards him and enveloped him in a soothing warm glow, almost as if it was hugging him, and Héctor found himself being lifted towards his feet. Once he was firmly standing up the light took him by the hand and started to lead him away from the bell. He resisted a little with a slight whine, his gaze fixed back on the bell, until a sharp tug jerked him away and pulled him forward. With a huff he glared at the light leading him away, gritting his teeth when he thought he could make out a sly smirk flitting across the vague features.

He continued to look back though, watching as the bell slowly faded from view into a white void. Then he noticed that the walls started melting again. His breath hitched a little in fear, terrified that the horrible visions from before were coming back to haunt him. The light gripped his hand tighter, but in a soothing manner, and Héctor managed to find comfort in the light for the first time since he met it. It was then he noticed that the walls weren’t exactly melting, but rather… falling into place.

Windows stacked next to each other, light fixtures dotted the ceiling in a straight line, and floor tiles tumbled into place just as his feet managed to touch them. It was then he noticed the pattern of the tiles, the color of them, and the shape of the windows and other fixtures. He had been here before. It had been a long time ago, but he had been here long enough to recognize the way the hallway was set up, and what doors led to what. It was engrained into his memory.

“I don’t like this place.” Héctor whispered.

“No, I don’t either,” the light said softly. “But it’s where you need to be right now.”

They continued on at a comfortable pace down the hallway, and slowly people started to materialize in Héctor’s vision. Men and women in sterile white clothing walking past them without even noticing them. Two of them were wheeling a bed down at such a speed that Héctor barely had time to react before they barreled right through them and raced down the opposite direction. The light giggled at that, and Héctor couldn’t help but give a shaky smile himself.

But suddenly a thought came to mind that chilled him to the bone, and he looked down at the light apprehensively. “Am… Am I a ghost?”

“Hmmm… No, I wouldn’t say that. But I wouldn’t worry about that. It’ll all be over soon.”

That was when the light finally led him into one of the rooms and let go of his hand. Looking up Héctor stopped dead in his tracks at what he saw: It was him. Lying in a bed, his hands strapped tightly onto the railings and his chest rising slowly with breath. And sitting beside him… was…

“No.”

The light paused on its way to bed to turn back and look at him. “No?”

“No I-I… I can’t.” Héctor whispered, his eyes never leaving his beautiful wife’s face. “Why is she there? She… She doesn’t love me. I can’t take it anymore… It h-hurts too much.”

“I’m pretty sure she loves you. Why else would she be sitting with you? Look at her. She looks so sad.”

Héctor shook his head miserably. “She’s just waiting for me to wake up… to tell me it’s finally over. That she’s moved on… I can’t face her… I’m too tired.” He dropped to his knees and stared at the floor, all the peace he was starting to feel again being crushed by despair. “Maybe it’s for the best… That I don’t wake up at all… Ernesto’s gone. Imelda hates me… I have nothing left.”

His head hung low and tears clouding his vision, he almost didn’t see the light step towards him until he felt its warm glow cup his face gently. With a sniffle he raised his eyes its face, or what he could guess was its face, and let it wipe the tears from his cheeks. Then he watched as it raised its hand slightly above his line of sight, and then…

*THUMP*

“OW!”

Héctor reared back onto his rump and flashed a hand up to his stinging forehead, rubbing it and staring at the figure before him in shock. “Did… Did you just flick my forehead?!”

“Si.”

“Why?!

“For being an idiot.”

With a snarl he managed to get back onto his knees. “I don’t need to take that from- GGGNAK!” His head was yanked forward as the light grabbed his nose, twisted, and pulled down hard. Then with its other hand it pulled his ear as hard as it could and started to shake his head back and forth. “GAH! What are you doing?!” he screamed nasally. “Stop!”

“What do you mean don’t wake up at all?!” The lighted shouted at him, continuing its assault as Héctor’s eyes watered with pain instead of sorrow. “Where is that coming from?! ‘Riveras never give up.’ Isn’t that what you’ve always said?”

Trying to pry the figure’s hands from his face, he glared up at it. “I’m not a real Rivera… I just married one- ARGH!”

“You’ve been a Rivera a whole lot longer than you haven’t been, old man!” the light yelled back. “And you haven’t lost everything! What about your children? Coco, and your granddaughter! What about Miguel. Are you really going to leave a little boy to grow up without his father? And who’s going to greet Matty when he comes back from the war?!”

“As for your wife, she right there waiting for you to wake up! She can’t run and hide in Santa Cecilia anymore! If you have something to say to her, then you make her listen to you! Think about it, you’re sick in a hospital bed. At the very least you have pity on your side, right? But don’t give up on her so easily, cabrón!”

“All right, all right! Ow! Just let go of me already!”

With one last shove the light let go of Héctor’s head and he cradled his face in his hands, getting his breathing back under control and trying to rub away the burns and stings. He flinched as the warm hand landed back on his shoulder, but when no further violence came his way he dared to look back up.

“I know this has been hard on you.” The light said gently. “And I know that you’re scared. But even if things don’t work out for you and your wife, you shouldn’t feel the need to give up. You still have a lot to live for.”

Héctor stared at it for a few long moments, before turning back towards the bed. Towards Imelda. It was right, she did look sad. And tired. If he woke up now, maybe he could talk to her. Maybe she’d talk to him. Despite his brain trying to convince him over and over that he was done, it was his time, and there was no need to linger on, his heart wouldn’t let him. It was leading him back to her. To his family.

Just like it always had.

Damn poet.

With a heavy sigh me slowly stood up and made it to his feet, his gaze now fixed on his unconscious form on the bed. With a new determination he made his way over and paused at the edge. Do I just… lay on myself? With a short snort of laughter he did just that, and was surprised to see his leg phase through himself as he climbed onto the bed. Rolling over he laid down onto his back, stared up at the ceiling, and waited.

…..

And waited…

…..

“Uh, nothing’s happening?”

The light shrugged. “You have been sleeping for a long time, and you’re sick. It might take a while for you to actually wake up.”

Before Héctor could reply to that, he started to feel changes slowly flowing into his body. Ah, this must be it. He started to feel heavier, more solid. That itself was a comforting feeling. He settled back down onto the bed and let the sensations build up through his limbs. He stayed still like that for a few minutes, with his eyes closed, before a tinkling little laugh next to him caused him to open them.

“This is taking forever!” The light giggled. It was such a sweet sound. So pure. Where had he heard it before? “Though not surprising. Even when you were healthy it took forever to wake you up, even when I jumped on your chest in the morning and tried to pry your eyes open.”

Héctor brows furrowed in confusion. He tried to lift his head off the pillow to look at the light properly… but found that he couldn’t. Slowly the solid feeling of his body turned into a heavy burden. He was so heavy! Too heavy! I can’t move!

“W-what?... What’s hap-”

The heaviness started to form inside his chest. His breathing turned into frantic gasps as he struggled to get air into his lungs. And now his body started to hurt! His arms and legs cramped and his head started to pound. Behind his gasping he heard his heart beating loudly in his ears. This is bad! This is bad! What’s happening to me?!

Then suddenly the light was leaning over his face, and Héctor stared at it with fright. Was this it’s plan all along? To trap him in this pain filled husk and laugh at him for his foolishness? He never should have trusted it! It started to lower itself to him, and with a small whimper he clenched his eyes shut and braced himself against... What? Oblivion? Mutilation? The destruction of his very soul? Whatever it was it couldn’t be good! It couldn’t-

“And don’t worry about Tio Nesto. He’ll be all right. I won’t let him be alone.”

….

Tio Nesto?

Héctor’s eyes snapped open and he saw the light was hovering over his face. He saw that smile again grace it’s face before it leaned over and… gave him a small kiss on the forehead. It was quick and chaste, but it was so warm and sweet, and it slightly soothed the aches that were afflicting his body. It drew back again and stared at him with such love in it’s eyes, and Héctor realized with a start of the fact that he could see it’s eyes.

They were his eyes!

Her eyes.

“You feel better Papá.”

With a choked out sob, reached out towards the light- my daughter!- but found that he couldn’t. He glanced down at his hands and saw that they were strapped to the railings of his bed, and no matter how hard he shook or strained against them he could not tear them free. Sitting up was also not an option, as the thick belt across his chest prevented him from lifting even an inch.

He turned his attention back towards his little girl, but she was gone. She had left him. Again.

“Leti!” Héctor cried out, tears streaming down his face as he tried to strain against the bindings once more. “Leti, don’t go! Leti come back, please come back! Don’t leave me, mija. Please don’t leave me again! Please, please, please…”

“Calm down Héctor.” A tired voice broke through his weak sobbing, and he glanced up through watery tears as his wife ran a hand through his hair in a calming motion. She began to speak to him, numbly, as if she had been repeating the same things over and over. “It’s not real. You’re alright. None of this is really happening. She’s not here. It’s okay, Héctor.”

Héctor concentrated on his wife’s face, forcing himself to calm his seizing chest and his pounding heart. He listened to her soothing words and slowly the hysteria faded away, leaving him exhausted and light-headed. And as the minutes passed and he became more and more aware of his immediate surroundings, the visions from before slowly faded as well. What had he been dreaming about? There was a light, he remembered. And a voice. It was so familiar. But even those vague recollections of his dream faded into nothingness as well, as for the first time in over three days Héctor was finally awake and aware.

“Imelda?” Héctor whispered. “What happened?”

“…Héctor?”

[ramblingshit]

Jane Eyre - 1996 - 2/5

what even is acting. what even is a script.

wasn't gonna do this one but fuck it's aunt petunia and rogue. here we go.

lots of credits fairo. more credits. damn fukin eh - i hear you're a wicked child! lol hi. now we're talking about hell and where bad people go. 'keep well and not die' ahaha m8. fkn reed putting seed in that she's a liar. teach her at her prospects, don't let her come back, she's a lying little shit take her away from here. he's appropriately scary oh shit she's saying this in front of the priest. damn tear that lady a new one. unruly, obstinate, wicked, deceitful, man these people hate kids who act out. walks in and damn she's on teh stool already - IS THAT THE LADY FROM PERSUASION. damn she just got here and he's telling everyone to not trust her, she doesn't get to eat and has to stand - she's just done hours of travelling fuckin assholes. IT IS THE LADY FROM PERSUASION. shes got dark hair and dark eyes and shes like glaring at everyone like shes onna kill him in their sleep. lol enjoy helen while she's alive. eatin bread and cheese in bed like she's not gonna get crumbs. omg telling these kids how to stand properly what why this lady hate her she's gonna cane her for not washing her hands. bish doesn't even flinch go helen. 'cleanliness is next to godliness' alright crazy. this school is a lot more chill than most of the others - they're laughing and doing what they want as well as learning and playing games. making jane out to be a pro artist. oh no ol mate saw her with her hair out. no dont cut it. 'vanity?' shes out here with naturally long, red and curly hair and he's out here calling her vain? because he recognises it as lovely she must be vain about it? what a fkn dickhole get off your high horse sexist moron pig anus head. what. he's saying her naturally  iwgh what i don't even understand his shit - it isn't offending him thats the issue its her naturally occuring sin and vanity (because her hair exists?) that is the issue??  what. lol go Jane. NO. oh fuck go Jane go. this guyyyy. don't do it Jane. chin held high she only does it when Helen nods at her to. DAAAAAAAAMN. took of her own bonnet. if Helen's hair goes so does Janes. they stood together looked at each other and flipped their heads over for him to go snip snip, bish looked shock and actually stepped back in horror. What a bae. Helen's fkn dying send help. fuck this lady should not be working with children considering how much she hates children. o shit where's helen. her beds all rolled up. can hear her hacking away in the distance. yikes that sounds bad. jane be creepin. oh fuck she's a terrible actress even as a kid. who honestly thinks its a good idea to hire her. she lying in her dying friend's bed and she's breathing all over her. isn't anna paquin australian? no? ah new zealand fairo. oh fuck Helen's daed. she's trying to squeeze out tears ahah oh no. she can't manage it. anna go back to new zealand you suck at acting who hired you ever. Riparoonies helen. that was actually the greatest jane and helen moment i've seen tbh. oh damn cool transition as she walked from helen's grave - she went from kid to adult. whats this part down the midde all of them got. Miss Temple fam, persuasion lady, fantastic lady, crying as Jane leaves like her mumma. this jane is long-flat-faced with a long protruding jaw, and very tall and skinny. thornfield looks like its already burned down ahaha. straight up castle here. she's got her drawing stuff as well as her bag. nice friendly ol mate meets her and opens the gates - big ass square this is some game of thrones shit yearh this place is like medieval more than victorian. the middle parted hair and the curled twists behind her head they're pretty much exactly the same in most Janes. all chillin and chatting about this together rather than completely separate. adele actually legit sounds french rather than just pretending? noice. dreary, cold, dark halls. her room is bright and airy with a four-poster bed and bay windows and lots of very nice furniture. river runs beside it; enormous tapestries; main gallery with lots of furniture and paintings and sculpures all covered in sheets with windows open to let in light; the doors are very large and heavy. Janes got a very long neck she looks legit like a fkn swan lmao. ooh a rochester backstory. well-travelled, intelliegent, can't tell if he's talking in jest or in earnest, or if he is pleased or irritated, not a happy man. they're just walking about in his rooms. the sun shines bright but cannot reach them through the thick mist. they're very soft-spoken. god her head is so far forward she's like the alien - long ass neck stretching forward and then her chin and jaw stretching wayyyy forward. wack wack anatomy.  it's very dark and dreary. she's off for a walk leaving adele to do like 5 sums. oh she's been here five minutes and they're already meeting. the music is like ... not appropriately intense? he just sorta looked at her, the horse tripped over and then he was on the floor and she's like whoops uh you alright bro. he's outright lying and pretending that he's not rochester his hair is grotty he's got like no hair on top they've just tries to scraggle it. this is so stunted and awkward. i hope it gets better. he's very gentle and she's pretty nonexistent to far. my god very gentle man. what. is he even rochester? that's a german shepherd. noice. playin chess by himself by the fire lol. this movie would be made infinitely better by an actual soundtrack. they're all chilling together again it's interesting - adele and fairfax and rochester and jane. wait she's been here 4 months. it literally didn't show anything about her chilling here. she talked back and now he's grumpy lol. what a terrible start compared to like... every other first convo. isn't she supposed to be not great at piano and yet she's teaching adele -- wait now we're at another convo between the duo. this convo is the other half of --- wait now we're talking sketches? jesus she hmm what are they talking about she's being forward and fuck her chin twists forward as she speaks she kinda looks like the wicked witch of the west. he's judging her drawings like he can do better. this is a mess? the best part about this so far is adele.  there's no sense of time. adele is gorgeous honestly. she's pale and gaunt with bags beneath her eyes. wait here's the next part of the conversation. blunt and brusque replies from her. god they're so obviously acting its painful. they have no chemistry because the CONVERSATION IS ALL OVER THE PLACE. they've done it on pruspose to try stretch things out a bit but like plz EY why he scrunch up the drawing wtf. 'and remember the shadows are as important as the light'. dudes. these are private conversations? it would be alright to try it more naturally but they're just not the kind of things you casually say. it's impersonal and there's no intimacy. sit there and watch a kid dance to the sound of a music box. he's so grumpy looking. now snapping at the kid. he's annoying. like a violent dude he feels more like a nice guy quick to snap - definitely kinda unhinged. and now drunk. hmm i don't like it. she told him not to be mean to adele and he rages about her mother, 'you've made adele feel unwanted and unloved' damn this Jane goes for the throat. she's too good for him I can see it now m8. he's a psycho run. red flag red flag. don't like it. lol he wake up like huh.... oh look beds on fire... huh... well suppose i should sort it out... huh... fuck they're barely acting huh. do they even want to be here. how much are these guys getting paid. he's literally a drunk. and has she had a drink in her life? she just went for it? omg so impersonal - isn't he supposed to be already half in love with her by this point? camera angle just flicks forward and back as the conversation goes on and when theres action it just pans back to the widest shot ever lol just show the entire scene why give any emphasis or focus to anything who needs reaction shots and feelings of being in it rather than observing it. fkn ey. he's literally just an angry blitering brooding drunk yikes. he's staring at her tits? these conversations man... he definitely just said jade instead of jane. m8 don't tell me he didn't. there's more intimacy between all the servants and jane and feeling more like an actual squad living together than there is any feeling between rochester and jane. adeles got a frog lol cute. 'you're a fool,' jane tells her reflection. this music is so shit it's bringing everything down. rochester, who's been an unfeeling ass the whole time, holds her hand once and now she's got a big crush on him. she's very spirited - to the point where she could too easily be cruel. like it's not just a repressed forcefulness it's like a hidden rage. can see her going mad and chopping someone up with icy rage and poised pleasure. wonder if i'm in a mood and interpreting this wrong? but honestly. dancing rochester now? instead of singing. adele is glaring at Mrs Ingram who just insulted jane lolol go kid she's definitely the best part. the background people actually make this place feel alive and natural, completely unlike their FUCKING AWFUL conversations. jesus what. god could you have two people less interested in each other? i think this fairfax knows about bertha. there's a 'tapestry bedroom'? lol what does that mean. they're dancing, playing cards, piano, the lot. oh the walls are literally covered in tapestries, that's creepy af. theres so much blood my dude would be dead yo. will hurt like doesn't know how to act. wwait theyve skipped my 'fav scene'?? theyre shaking hands again, wtf is this. wait what shes just met stjohn n he;s the one telling her all about the reeds? petunias dying 'love me then or hate me as you will - you have my full and free forgiveness' - i cant forgive any version that misses that out: its so powerful as part of her character. stalking her while he smokes in the dark what a creeper. 'how cuold you be so stupid!' lol fight him Jane i dont even know how we got to kissing likr the movie is almost 2 hours and yet it feels SO rushed. literally took away all the secret courting and his sneaky declarations. shes a modern woman trapped in an old age.  she is so skinny. and with entirely stiff expressions. ew he makes me so uncomfortable. theyre not even trying lol. acting ey acting have u heard of it. just left jane at the altar like bye bitch.shes just in a giant empty ugly room. bertha is a very young and frightened girl but also very sick in the typical long white dress and long dark hair. god this guy is a whingebum. bertha understands everything he's saying. oh yikes lol she just whipped a log from the fire and went after Jane and Jane just put her veil back down with like a sigh turned and yeeted slowly away long ass veil over a white bonnet, silk cape thing in a dark hallway walking all miserable. she's outies lol he's just let her walk out? i love u and i love u. bye. bertha's taken another log from the fire and lit the wedding dress on fire along with the house ahaha. wait he let her leave the house then ran after her on horseback but had to stop after bertha lit the place on fire it started burning and we're actually seeing it happen? interesting. the house is burning, pepople are running, bertha's on the battlements and rochester is going up there to --oh fuck grace poole got yeeted over by bertha oh she's flying ahahaha jumped down to where she threw grace poole. rochesters in the fire. jane's off and racing. it's all happened at once. she went to stjohns, didn't even get dumped in teh marshes but down she goes after chilling in a coach for 3 days. shes been there a month. her jaw is so long and forward its creepy. again one fo the few telling her that she's wealthy from inheritance from her uncle. more backstory. she was deeply loved by her parents, now she's wealthy, lifes looking up but she's all upset after than asshole lol move on and be happy. she's hearing his voice on the wind like please chill. damn 6months. what. um. he's very awkwardly trying to propose? but its like the last half of the conversation with the first bit just cut out. so weird. she looks normal face-on. oh she decides after the proposal to go back - none of that chasing after voices nonsense. whoops that shit burned downnn. doggoooo is still alive. what a good boy. fuck me there's like no anticipation, no intensity, no build-up, no chemistry, it's so dry and cold and heartless. christ acting. act. acting. act. please. act. what is happening. act. she has the neck of a swan ol mate. fucking gross. their words are stilted, and not romantic in the slightest and especially not in their delivery. theyre walking with no kids but the dog but they're talking about the kids. oh my god. that was pretty fkn awful. like seriously not good.

[saints-row-2]

film watch day 31: Every Halloween Film

happy Halloween today i watched every Halloween film currently available to me. i couldnt get to rewatch Halloween 2018 but i already wrote about it a couple of weeks back so feel free to revisit that post. anyway, i watched ten Halloween movies today. It took around 17 hours. i started at 11:15am and im writing this now at 6 am.

so lets get to the post. for the most part i went in chronological order, except i chose to start with Rob Zombie’s remakes because i knew if i didnt id be finishing the day by watching them at the break of dawn and the idea of doing that was so fucking putrid to me that i decided to get them out of the way first.

Halloween (2007)

i hate this fucking movie. i mentioned in an ask the other day but im happy to repeat here, i dont hate the idea of expanding on Michael’s backstory. like the fact is we largely know his backstory, the issue is how this film chose to portray it. the original Halloween is frightening because its based around the idea that the seemingly safe, quiet suburbs are not as safe as they seem; you can be on a street youve known your entire life, only a few metres from your own home, and still at risk. the whole idea of showing Michael as a murderer when he was six is to tell us that anyone could be a threat, that our conventions that all killers are a particular kind of person is false.

Halloween 2007 says fuck that, we know what serial killers are, and theyre those poor kids who come from shitty neighbourhoods and have abusive parents and mothers who are sex workers. everything that Halloween brings to the table is fucking tedious, played out, and massively uninspired. it wants to bring us the truth about why Michael is like he is, but Rob Zombie’s only understanding of serial killers is in the cliche and exploitative. he has nothing honest about human nature to show us, only the exact same stories that have been fed to us by crime and horror movies past.

this film is incredibly loud and in fucking constant motion. even on steady shots of still scenes the camera constantly shakes, and in every other scene its always whirling around from tracking shot to panning over the scene to just idly zooming in and out of nothing. Zombie’s favourite shot is to have something large and out of focus in the foreground -- like some plants -- and to shoot the characters standing about six feet away muttering to themselves. every single fucking shot in this movie lingers too long, every scene drags a little longer than it needs to. this film moves with the pace that i would describe as “family guy gag”.

and this film is so loud. people are always talking or screaming, largely about nothing important or interesting. theres always music, but it never particularly adds anything; for reasons i fail to fucking understand the entirety of the original theme plays over mostly uninteresting tracking shots of a minor character walking around yelling filler lines about nothing.

the writing is horseshit. everyone in this film is vile, no one talks or behaves like real human beings. almost every exchange in this movie is the characters saying the exact same thing back and forth inanely, frequently punctuated by screaming FUCK as loudly as possible and talking about sex in a way that 40 year old men really really wished teenage girls talk about sex. Halloween (2007) is thoughtlessly gross and mean and nasty, disconnected from any kind of human sensitivity and empathy. it wants to be complicated and to be deep but its crushingly simplistic and stupid. the only thing that redeems it is that its not Halloween II (2009). speaking of which...

Halloween II (2009)

jesus christ this movie is so fucking boring. Halloween II is two hours long but feels like its about twenty hours long. i felt like i was watching this film for twenty days and twenty nights. i was trapped in an eternal purgatory with this movie.

i really cant fucking emphasise how boring this film is. endless scene after scene of nothing of consequence happening, uninteresting death scenes that add nothing, and Michael wandering around doing jack shit. Halloween II fucking made Michael Myers boring, and im saying this as someone who (as i repeat once every 8 seconds) has a tattoo of him. this film couldnt hold MY interest in two of my favourite characters of all time.

the big fun new addition from the first movie is the presence of Michael and Laurie’s mother as a kind of weird goth ghost guiding Michael to kill. i dont know why Michael had to be Jason Voorhees and be a mommy’s boy all of a sudden, but this addition brings absolutely nothing of interest to the film or to his character. its meant to be symbolic of fucking... something im sure, but it feels meaningless. somehow Michael and Laurie are both able to see and interact with this ghost and the ghost has an agenda to do... something? it feels about as intelligent and coherent as the bullshit cult of thorne shit from 6, but a lot less fun. at some point Michael Myers apparently has mind control powers?

not to repeat myself a hundred fucking times but this film is insanely unpleasant to watch. every scene someone is screaming, generally wailing “fuck you bitch” at anyone in their vicinity. this is two hours of people howling swear words at each other and not infrequently making rape jokes. Rob Zombie loves rape jokes! almost as much as he loves putting sexual assault in his movies over and over again for no reason.

there is nothing to enjoy in this film. theres nothing to gain. there is too much slow-mo and far too many strobe lights and absolutely nothing of any intelligence or grace. Halloween II is a thirteen year old boy in a korn T-shirt calling his mom a bitch while he draws zombies on  the back of his homework, which he will get an F for because the only thing he wrote was “reading is for faggots”.

Halloween (1978)

what the fuck can i say. this is one of the greatest horror movies ever made, if not the greatest. its one of my favourite movies. its forty years old and still just as chilling and frightening as it ever was. it has some shot composition and cinematography thats up with the best ive ever seen, all while being shot on a budget of $300,000. it does more with less than just about any film, launched the slasher genre, shot Jamie Lee Curtis to stardom and created a pop culture icon that stayed strong for decades. its a masterclass in tension and suspense, a lean-cut perfectly paced film with heaps of atmosphere and character.

i love this film with a frantic passion that makes me unable to talk about it in a particularly helpful way. i cant “review” Halloween. I love this film beyond reason and sense and you either get it or you dont.

Halloween II (1981)

Halloween II is largely one of the less remembered entries in the franchise; its a decent enough movie, neither matching up to the highs of the original or the lows of the later films. its a pretty enjoyable little film, created under the logic of ‘well the first one did well, lets do the same thing again’. Carpenter wrote the script but didn’t direct, and while the film has a solid story, the directing lacks his signature flair. its hard to pinpoint, because the film is generally fairly well-shot, but lacks a kind of eye for shot composition that Carpenter made look easy, doesnt have as much patience for suspense.

on its own merits, theres still some great shots and great scenes in the movie. and a lot of really cool kills; II got a lot more creative with what Michael was capable of, and i think the boiling water drowning kill is rightfully pretty infamous.

this was the last Halloween movie Carpenter wrote, and it was the film where the idea of Laurie and Michael being siblings was introduced. and believe me ill defend this fucking decision to the grave. adding the human connection between Michael and Laurie gives a whole other layer to their relationship thats so fascinating to me, and i love that other films try to expand on the themes of family. in general, deciding that this film would continue to focus on Laurie and not do what later slashers did with bouncing around between different casts was a great fucking move, ironically for a franchise that was intended to be an anthology.

quietly exploring the aftermath of the first film was a good idea for a follow-up, and i especially really enjoy Loomis’ role in this movie, and his discussion about who Myers is. the biggest disappointment for me personally is that Laurie lacks a lot of presence in this film. Curtis is great, as always, but the movie dawdles on some side characters who are too disconnected from her to get a sense of what shes going through.

all that being said, Halloween II is decent. the ending is really great, with some really powerful shots. Michael bleeding from the eyes of his mask after Laurie shoots him is one of the best fucking images in horror and him swinging blindly as Laurie and Loomis slowly orchestrate his death is a fucking amazing scene. i have an immense fondness for this movie, with all its flaws. it brings a lot of really cool concepts to the table, and i think it deserves some appreciation.

heres a question tho; where the fuck were Laurie’s parents. theres a suggestion theyre missing, but theres no explanation why and we never hear from them. did michael kill them too? hello? mr and mrs strode? your daughter just fucking killed a guy and all her friends are dead. where the fuck are you.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Halloween III is infamous as being the Halloween movie that isn’t about Michael Myers at all. when it first released it was wildly unpopular and remained so for quite a while, but has had a surge in popularity over the last few years. i think just about every horror critic i know now considers Halloween III one of the best in the franchise. and to be fair to it, its a great little movie. not a slasher at all but rather a conspiracy thriller, Halloween III is all about the mystery of what the Silver Shamrock mask-making company are really up to, and why people are disappearing. its a weird and creative little movie, with some really fucking great practical effects that turn it from just being a thriller to being an all-out horror film. it has a few too many ineffective jumpscares and some of the plot twists are kind of disappointing and feel a little too much like the easy option -- and then others are so wildly bizarre no one would see them coming because theyre fucking completely out there. but i kind of love that sort of nonsense in a horror movie. like lets just have a fucking good time in here for once in our fucking lives.

Halloween III is not a perfect or even a really great movie, but yknow, fuck it. the idea that only perfect films are worth watching is dumb. i appreciate the weird shit this film tried and i think it deserves a lot more respect than what it got; if it had been released under another title it probably would have gone down as a classic instead of being derided for years, you ask me.

now things start going rapidly downhill

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

Halloween 4 is when Jamie is introduced as the new final girl; Laurie’s seven year old daughter, after Laurie herself died off-screen in a fucking car crash. the decision to kill off Laurie came from Jamie Lee Curtis decided not to return to the character and instead of recasting her, they went with just having her… die. off-screen. in the franchise where the previous two movies were about her triumph and determination to stay alive. like its the casual thoughtlessness of this that, the idea no one would give a shit a character returned, that in my eyes epitomises how fucking little anyone cared about this franchise going forward.

man the idea of Laurie dying completely irrelevant to Michael… thats a lot. anyway continuing on his quest to erase anyone related to him, Michael starts targeting his niece Jamie for the three movies in the franchise. this is where the series started rapidly losing any grip on reality. while Michael always had some kind of superhuman elements to him (he took six bullets to the chest and survived in the first movie) these became increasingly wildly exaggerated. now hes crushing peoples skulls with his bare hands shit like what the fuck. first of all do that to me and secondly, it was this kind of slide into unreality that let the supernatural elements of the series creep in further until you end up with the shitshow that is Halloween 6. like it was the decrease in the impact of violence and human life that really fucked this franchise over.

this film is not great. its a definite decline in quality after 2 and was on the slippery slope downwards. it has some high points, primarily in Dr Loomis. Donald Pleasance is a better actor than most movies deserve and brings gravitas to a role that in the hands of a less capable actor would be laughable. his sincere plea to Michael at one point to just kill him instead of going after Jamie is honestly fucking tragic.

outside of that, the film isnt massively interesting. Michael himself isnt particularly threatening or engaging, and his mask looks like shit in this film. the characters in this film are largely very stupid, also, which doesnt help anything much.

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers

if theres a Halloween movie people talk about the least, its this one. II has the sibling twist, III is the black sheep, 4 is the return, even 6 gets talked about for its troubled production history. no one has anything to say about Halloween 5. and thats mostly because there is fucking nothing to say about Halloween 5. it is a relentlessly fucking dull movie that pads out its 100 minute run time with endless unnecessary scenes of shit that does… nothing. this film is dull in a way that i find incredibly detestable. i cant even watch it through a haze of impassioned anger like i can with the also incredible dull Halloween II (2009). its just fucking boring. every single scene drags like its trying to walk on two broken legs. the plot is so bare bones its nonsensical. it constantly adds new characters and new elements but all that does is makes it more incoherent and confusing. watching this movie i literally found my fucking eyes glazing over in my skull. if this film was edited correctly it would be twenty minutes long. i cannot fucking emphasise enough how much of relentless slog it is. Halloween 4 was dull but even that had the lifeline of ‘some cool ideas’. Halloween 5 is nothing. Halloween 5 is puddle dirt water.

Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers

if Halloween 5 is puddle dirt water Halloween 6 is just a fresh hot glass of piss. there are two versions of Halloween 6, the director’s cut and the theatrical release, and both are wretched. this film went full ham with introducing the supernatural elements, telling us that Michael was his whole life psychically controlled by a pagan cult called the Cult of Thorne in order to make Halloween scary again or summon the devil or who fucking cares. this movie is fucking insufferably dull, totally absurd, and wildly unsympathetic. i loathe Halloween 6 and every terrible, stupid plot decision it makes. Paul Rudd defeats Michael Myers by drawing druid symbols on the ground and Michael just gives up and lies down. theres a baby that does nothing and serves no purpose. Halloween is apparently banned in Haddonfield, which makes this more closely related to Footloose than Halloween i think. this film takes itself incredibly seriously while spouting nothing but total fucking bullshit drivel and i dont believe that anyone involved in this movie, from the cast to the cameraman to the guy who served the lunch had any faith in this movie outside of the vague hope it might make money and i wish this movie had been burned at the stake. also i hate Paul Rudd.

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later

oh thank fucking god finally some good fucking food. Halloween H20 took the decision to retcon all the sequels (except II) twenty years before Halloween 2018, proving that everyone knew 5 and 6 were fucking mistakes.

this film loses a lot of the Halloween feeling in favour of making a more generic late 1990s/early 2000s style horror. theres nothing particularly interesting about the way this movie is directed or shot, the music is largely very generic, it has a generally uninteresting glossy quality to it that studio movies always do. its very obvious this movie was inspired by Scream and it looks a lot more like Scream than it does Halloween. all of this makes me kind of sad, but other films in the franchise have proved that other directors generally are not capable of imitating Carpenter’s style so maybe its better they dont really try.

what H20 does so well, and the reason i love it so much, is that it explores the relationship between Michael and Laurie, which is something im endlessly fascinated with. this was the first movie to have Laurie shake off her fear and rise up against Michael, and while it doesnt do it with quite as much depth and intelligence as Halloween 2018, it still has a fucking good crack at Laurie’s character, and its still powerful watching her turn on the man who terrorised her for years. Michael is great in this movie too; while he has a terrible mask, watching him back on his shit as a furious force of nature who wants nothing more than to destroy anyone who gets in his way.

honestly i kind of enjoy having a Halloween in a different style; theres something fun about seeing characters recontextualised and done with justice and empathy. most of the Halloween sequels before this one (and after, looking at Resurrection) are shallow, unconcerned with any kind of emotional depth or personality. and while a lot of the stock filler characters in H20 who are lined up for the chopping block arent that interesting and dont particularly standout, watching Jamie Lee Curtis’ performance and seeing her interplay with Michael is enough. and most of the side characters arent particularly annoying, which is more than i can say for half this franchise.

this film also has what is one of my absolute favourite endings in a movie ever; the final confrontation between Michael and Laurie has a particular interaction between them that i absolutely adore and that alone is enough to make this movie one of my favourites.

H20 isnt perfect; it weirdly feels like a blueprint that Halloween 2018 would later refine into a better movie, but the idea its going to be completely disregarded for Halloween 2018 in the future makes me a little sad. in the face of so many fucking mediocre and awful Halloween sequels it did the right thing in trying to focus on what actually mattered; the connection between Michael and Laurie, although i dont feel like it succeeded in making Michael as scary as 2018 would much later. that said, the shot where Michael and Laurie just stare at each other through the glass of a window? that gives me chills every time. and hearing the Halloween theme kick in as Laurie marches off into the school with an axe looking for Michael is so fucking triumphant.

i love H20 even if Michael’s mask looks like his hair was dunked in a bucket of water and then gently blow-dried. i have no idea why it looks so fucking stupid in this movie. why is it so hard to get Michael’s mask right. you wouldnt think it was that fucking hard. anyway, i really fucking love Laurie Strode a lot, which didnt help to make Resurrection any easier to swallow.

Halloween: Resurrection

so whats the obvious thing to do after you have a movie where the power and emotion all comes from the emotional catharsis of seeing a woman get her vengeance on her tormentor? you, uh, make a sequel in which she is immediately defeated and pointlessly killed after its revealed her victory at the end of the previous film was entirely false, and then you never return to focus on her and instead introduce a horde of entirely uninteresting stock characters. yeah, makes sense.

Resurrection is fucking incredibly stupid, in the kind of fucking hysterical way only really bad horror movies can capture. theres absolutely nothing of Halloween in this other than the presence of Michael, who just as easily could have been replaced with anyone or anything. the story has a group of people on a reality show staying in the Myers house to… stay there? its not entirely clear what the challenge is meant to be, other than to just be inside the house, which i imagine gets to be pretty dull viewing pretty quickly. theres no suggestion theyre like, hunting for ghosts or something along those lines, theyre just… looking at stuff.

Michael slopes around this movie like he doesnt fucking understand where he is or whats going on, an entirely out of place relic of better times past while the cast cavorts around him doing nothing of interest and having no plots or characterisation to speak of. the film has exactly two or three funny moments, including the legendary ‘Michael Myers getting electrocuted in the dick by Busta Rhymes’, but youre way, way better off just looking that up on youtube instead of watching this movie. there is an hour of pointless plot development about characters no one cares about until Michael starts fucking killing people. this movie shouldnt exist and we should all go back to pretending it doesnt.

and thats it. thats all the halloween films. i can die now.