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dinitride-art · 2 years

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Possessiongate - the monologue/Mike Wheeler got got (pt.1)

This now lives in my head rent free. Current theory is that Vecna attached himself to Mike somehow before he left Hawkins and has been fighting for control the entirety of season four- and that Mike’s been able to have some control because Will is his light. Vecna was described during the Hellfire game as being recognizable by his missing left eye and left hand. Important to also note that these are actually magical artifacts in D&D- I think they were both introduced in first edition before Vecna was even introduced into the lore/as a thing you could fight.

Yes I am starting yet another analysis of season four that I don’t know how many parts it will have- but I have a feeling its going to end up being stupidly long. Just like the Lighting analysis.

S4:E2 - Rink O’ Mania (Why Mike’s such a dick?)

Before I get into the whole Rink O’ Mania mess I noticed something during the airport scene.

Mike’s hiding his eyes. First it was with the sunglasses, and now it’s with the visor thing. I don’t have a picture on hand, but the shot of Mike asking about the painting sticks out to me. He’s very weird when he sees Will for the first time, caught completely off guard. It’s actually reminding me of, “he’s... my friend” or whatever Will says about Mike when he recognizes him when Will’s possessed. The Mind flayer/Vecna (up for debate who’s controlling who) knows who Mike and Joyce are. They also know who Will and El are, quite well. Vecna’s target this season was actually El- he wants her to look at him while he destroys everything. He wants someone to fight against.

I think that Mike might’ve been so weird when he saw Will because it through Vecna for a loop. Like, oh fuck there he is. The guy that can sense me. Or maybe he just wanted to fuck with Will. Because there is no reason that Mike should be weird around Will, yeah sure he knows he loves him at the end of season three but he was able to hug him goodbye. Twice, even.

Another thing I think might be happening here- that I’m more inclined to think this is- is that Mike is caught off guard when he sees Will because Will is his light. Who knows how long Vecna might have been in Mike’s head (I think it was the night the Chrissy gate opened- or that he’s been trying to get to Mike the whole time that the Byers have been away and just now is able to because of the open gate). But what if Will can snap him out of it and bring Mike back to being fully in control? Like, I don’t think Mike knows yet that Vecna’s in his head. But I think that Vecna knows that Will can snap Mike out of it and that’s why he’s getting Mike to keep his distance/ignoring Will all day. And not mentioning Will’s birthday just to fuck with him- because Vecna knows when Will’s birthday is. He learnt that info like two years ago in the Byers shed. And he also learnt how much Mike cares about Will and vise versa.

So, if Vecna’s using Mike as a way to mess with El and Will- and as a spy- then he also knows how to keep Mike in line. And why he’s keeping Mike away from Will when something happens that fucks with El.

Also they’re mirroring each other here like theyr were in the monologue. Which could be saying that season 2 and Will’s possession is paralleling Mike’s season four possession.

This isn’t as strong but thought I’d mention it anyways- Mike and Will are paralleling each other again with both positions in shot and their shoe sizes. But also 10 is very clear on both of their skates- and not on El’s. We’re focusing on Mike and Will’s skates and it’s weird that 10 is the number below 11, yeah, but it’s also weird that it’s kinda just 1. So it might be saying that hey! One’s here! And he’s been in both Mike AND Will’s heads!

I’ve mentioned before that there’s an unnecessary focus on Will- and that Mike’s line, “you were rolling your eyes and moping” and basically narrating what we see above is proof that Mike’s been looking at him the whole time. Also the lighting difference on Will’s face. But we don’t get to see Mike looking at Will- which might make sense if Vecna’s not letting him talk to Will.

This shot- the disco ball that I now forgive but still feel really oblivious for not noticing it sooner- love you Rink O’ Mania disco ball. Anyways, it parallels the snow ball disco ball in season two where there’s an overwhelming theme of forced conromity and pink and blue and then parallels it again when Max gets...fucking hell, when Max GEts Vecna’D. Jesus Christ when will it end. So, I’ll add that to the ‘Vecna’s definitely in Mike’s head’ proof. ANYWAYS- as I was saying, the disco ball is drawing our attention to Will. And we know that Mike’s been paying attention to Will the whole time, but this makes it really clear.

It’s also why I think that Will being lit like this, and being positioned like this, are all saying that Will is Mike’s light. And that’s why Vecna hasn’t been able to fully take over Mike when he’s in Cali- also because he’s just really far away from Hawkins. And again, Mike’s visor is hiding his eyes.

Okay so El’s holding Mike’s left hand here which- welp. Uh, maybe is possibly referencing Vecna again. But these two shots are also paralleling the Snow Ball again, but instead of Mike being alone- it’s Will. And it’s also showing how we see Will a lot AND that he’s in front of light A LOT.

This disco ball is also really ominous as an opening shot. So like the tone of this scene is weird. It’s meant to be both happy, miserable, weird and forboding. Or at least that’s what I’m kinda getting from it- also looks a hell of a lot like the snowball again. Really bad signs all over this place

This shot is kinda creepy to me too. It looks like- actually Ive got a picture of this on hand, nice-

it looks like the mind flayer, just a bit. The long legs and the weirdly shaped head.

Also, the red brick makes reminds me of the red setting of the destroyed Creel house. Because there are quite a few settings in episode nine that are either red of blue- surfer boy pizza and the Creel house (mind edition) are red, and the Creel house (real), the Creel house (upside down) and the prison are all very blue or somewhat blue toned. The colour of the mind flayer (and Vecna) is red. The upside down is blue. So, I’m thinking that colour theory is at work here- with these specific colour associations. Mike also drinks from both his and El’s cups with red straws. And there’s no water in the upside down so maybe they want water y’know?

This is where it starts. Just barely. The red straw in shot is also pointing to Mike and visible when we look at Will. So Mike and El are placed in from of blue and red lights. Similar to the monologue with Mike and Will being in front of blue and red lights. When Angela roles up to the table she’s wearing two watches. On her left wrist no less. Time, clocks, Mike and Will’s matching watches, what’s about to happen with Mike’s left eye- Vecna’s at play here.

You see how Mike turns to look at El and his left eye gets a veil of dark shadow around it? Are yo seeing that shit? Like, Mike should know what’s going on here. He’s literally been bullied his whole life. He should know what’s happening. But he completely ignores it.

The light is shining on Will here again, because there’s some Vecna related shit going down with Mike and I think Mike’s trying to use Will as a way to ground himself. Blue and yellow lights behind Will also point to this. Mike was the person who Will relied on in season two to get back to himself. At the arcade- which parallels Rink O’ Mania in colours- with the strip of yellow and blue lights there as well (but they’re flipped/upside down in relation to each other. blues on top of yellow here- and yellow’s on top of blue at the arcade). But also when Will goes outside and sees the Upside Down (and the blue lights) the colour of the lightning bolt outside changes from yellow to green when Mike comes out and gets him- breaking him from the trance.

I think that the very same thing is happening her. But now it’s Mike instead of Will who needs to break out of the trance.

And when Mike and El are in this shot? It’s pretty different than the one before, sure the lightings gotten a bit more sinister but with Mike’s left eye it’s a bit excessive. The literal whites of his eyes are darker than before- like significantly. Where as with El it’s not nearly as jarring.

Mike’s left eye stays in the dark even as the shot pans out. He’s also sipping his drink again and the fact that it has a red straw and Mike’s in front of red brick and there’s a red light directly over him? I am so very suspicious.

AND WHEN MIKE GETS UP???? His left eye is like this still. It’s creepy. And exactly like the damn monologue. And Mike should have known El isn’t in a good situation here, he and all of his friends have been in situations like this forever. But the yellow and blue I think is a good thing- I think it’s signaling Mike talking back control. Even if he might not be aware what’s happening.

And just to show Will because Mike’s face is just so different. Despite them being in the same amount of light/facing the same light source, Will’s left eye isn’t ominously darkened like an evil is looking through and waiting for an opportunity to strike, y’know?

But here’s the thing

Mike and Will are kind of arguing and Mike’s face is all scrunched up (similar to how it was in the monologue). And Will’s glowing as per usual this season.

And then Mike snaps out of it. Staring at Will’s lips, yes, but also because Will is his light. Talking to Will changes Mike’s whole expression- and this is similar to how Mike looked at the airport when he saw Will. He looks confused and kind of surprised ish.

And then we see Mike LOOKING at Will. And Will’s in the light, and Mike’s still not, but we see him looking at Will. And the green, yellow and blue neon lights are behind him. That S also kinda looks just a bit like a lightning bolt.

And after talking to Will? His face starts going back to normal. Like immediately after. And then Mike goes and tries to stop what’s happening but he’s too late.

So, what if Vecna and Mike have been fighting over control this whole time- or maybe Vecna’s just been influencing Mike to do shit and Will keeps getting in the way? Like Mike did in season 2?

The parallels to season two and Will being possessed are paralleling so hard right now. This is the second scene that Mike’s been like this- the other one I looked at being the monologue. Like?? What was the reason for Mike’s eye to be like this twice? (probably more than that but I gotta make different posts for those- I’ll get back to ya’ll on that)

Vecna won’t leave Mike and Will the fuck alone.

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#byler #possessiongate #mike wheeler #the lights #damn all my theories and analysis are working together on this one #its an all hands on deck type of theory #like-watergate-thelights-colourtheory #things ive looked at in depth #are all here #and pointing to this #and its wild #the monologue

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todayisafridaynight · 9 months

Note

I wanted to write in about my thoughts on Jo as a CSA survivor separately for a couple of reasons:

I already more or less have what I have to say on the topic in order thanks to talks with @starssystem and another friend [<3]

This is a massive tonal shift from anything else I could be discussing

This Is Massive In General For The Love Of God PLEASE Help Me

Obvious CSA CW for anyone else reading; I only discuss statistics, psychology, and the aftereffects seen in survivors here, but it's worth a warning.

With the disclaimers out of the way… I'd mentioned before I've only ever added one thing to Jo's background, and you were right: this is it! To me, there's so much thematic overlap in Jo's narrative with the experience of surviving CSA it's worth it to examine his character through the lens of that being the case. Of course, there are clearly-stated reasons for it all that Aren't That, but…

It's the pervasive guilt and shame, the lifelong secret that becomes too unbearable not to tell, the faulty coping mechanisms aimed at burying the trauma without having to face it, the reluctance to be sincere [vulnerable] and the lies and half-truths used to maintain the facade of invulnerability, the pursuit of power and control and the knee-jerk anger response when it's threatened, the pursuit of mastery over his body and the indifference to what happens to it. And the way a lot of it really does stem from a deeply traumatic childhood sexual experience from before either he or Ikumi understood what they were getting into, from before they could give informed consent.

Statistically, the further below the average age someone is for their first time, the likelihood of [at best] having been introduced to sex inappropriately and [at worst] having been abused at the time or earlier rises exponentially. Jo was 15 when Masato was conceived--possibly 14, since he was saying he "met" Arakawa at 15, and by then Masato was already born. To put this into perspective, since what ages register as concerning is largely cultural, the average age in the US and UK is 16-18. But in Japan, it's over 19.

To a Westerner [or even a heavily Westernized non-Westerner], having a kid at 15 is unfortunate, but not untenable; you've seen it on TV, you might know people like that, you might even be that kid or that parent. But in Jo's case, with him being 4 or 5 years younger than average, it's like if someone told you they had their first time--had a /kid/--at 13 or under. That's the equivalent discrepancy. That /is/ concerning, to me.

It's also something that's linked to negative outcomes in adulthood, partly because of the likelihood of forming bonds with poorly-adjusted peers. Jo specifically states he and Ikumi were only together because others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had back then. [As an aside, it's interesting to see him instinctively seek out a relationship where his pain would be understood without having to say anything--or one where he could assume it would, at any rate.]

When it comes to his relationship with Ikumi, I've always felt there was this "adult dynamic" between them--in the sense it feels like one that'd be more fitting for adults to get into than a couple of teens. It was, based on his wording, a primarily physical relationship neither of them expected to last even if they were living together. To me, it's one thing if you're fully convinced you're in love or you're experimenting or whatever and that results in an unplanned pregnancy, but it's another thing entirely to have such a bleak yet objective outlook on your relationship so young.

And it didn't have to be that way. He could've been just like Arakawa, head-over-heels in love with this girl who was The Only Good Thing He Had Going, or something like that. But the sheer contrast between how Arakawa was crazy about Akane and never forgot about her for the rest of his life, while Jo more-or-less-clearly didn't have feelings for Ikumi and can't bring himself to remember her name after living with her for at least a year and experiencing life-changing events with her…

It's notable to me that Arakawa maintains an interest in women while nearly every in-character interpretation I've seen makes Jo averse to women. Obviously, we don't really know that; it's probably just based on his general attitudes, his contrast with Arakawa, and maybe his immunity to Charm. But I think there's a reason a lot of people pick up on it and tie it to trauma rather than/in addition to a lack of interest in women.

I've talked about this through the lens of comphet already [and Jo being gay or ace or both would present other difficulties], but I can't overstate how notable it is on its own. We see Jo's response to traumatic events, and it's to become preoccupied with them, to investigate further if he has any leads. That's why he remembers every minute detail of the night Masato was born and the time he saw Arakawa attempt to comfort Masato when he was crying and hitting himself. I think it's also why he gets as far as he does when looking into Arakawa's death, and why he entrusts the search to Ichi. He never seems to manage to block them out, even if that's what he'd rather do--even if that's what he thinks he's doing.

So if he "[doesn't] even remember" the name of the mother of his child, I get the feeling there's something more going on. Like I've [probably] said in the past, Jo genuinely sounds traumatized by the relationship as a whole. More than anything else he's been through, and he's been through a lot. It's often the case that CSA survivors who are also survivors of other trauma view it as worse than anything else that happened to them.

And that's not to implicate Ikumi at all, I don't think it's a case of COCSA--everything I've said holds just as true for her, and she had to suffer the additional trauma of an unwanted pregnancy and childbirth, at that. Rather, I think it would make sense for something like CSA, which often incontrovertibly reconfigures one's relationship with sex and love, to be a factor in why they rushed into a something physical before they were mature enough to handle it.

Some victims end up having perfectly healthy experiences, some victims end up avoiding them, some victims end up re-victimized, and some victims end up with a mixed bag--there's a lot of variation. But some victims do end up having relationships like this and making mistakes like this, because that's all they know, or because they want to heal but don't [or don't know how to] go about it in a healthy way, at a healthy pace. And I definitely think if you recognize that's what the basis of your relationship was, that it all comes back to something you'd rather forget, it'd make sense to want to forget the relationship as a whole.

To that end, it's possible to come away from a relationship traumatized even if no one did anything wrong. I've [probably] talked about how the way Jo comforts her at the station feels like he's doing it for her sake and pushing his own feelings down, but neither of them is really buying it. If that's a pattern in their relationship, perhaps he wouldn't have been able to communicate if maybe what they were doing was dredging up bad memories, if he wanted to stop but didn't think she did. So to go through with it, then get the news months later…

Either way, the fact Ikumi couldn't bring herself to tell him she was pregnant until nothing could be done would, for Jo, invariably cement the feeling he has no control over what happens around him. I think the sense of powerlessness he felt is why he blew up at her when she told him, because it's really the only time we see him lash out like that at her. At the park, he objects to going back for Masato, sure, but he's passive. And I think that unbroken pattern of powerlessness in his life [which CSA would only compound on] is why he's so reactionary, why he's so emotionally dysregulated, why he expresses his rage through what basically amounts to power-tripping.

But I do think Jo does have a great deal of awareness. A lot of his wording when he's telling Ichi about it borders on poetic, or at the very least candid and effective. That requires both prior reflection and a command of language. I think there's a lot he understands deep down, at least after sitting with it for long enough, but he isn't capable of voicing--or doesn't know how to voice--what's on his mind, most of the time.

So when he joins the Arakawa Family, when he rises the ranks and has that control back, his control has to be near-absolute. If it's undermined in any way--such as, for example, a certain someone failing to answer a call within two rings--he loses it. On the other side of the coin, I do feel a lot of why his devotion and gratitude towards Arakawa goes to the extent it does, why he's so comfortable with him, is because Arakawa gave him the safety of the Arakawa Family, gave him back his autonomy, gave him the environment--and treated him with enough humanity to give him the reason--to learn to regulate himself, to better himself.

And Arakawa /gets/ trauma. He really does. Aside from his own abusive background, literally the only time the word trauma comes out of any character's mouth in this series, it's Arakawa's. It comes back to Jo saying others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had; that never changed, did it?

Lastly, For Funsies [<- LIE. COMPLETE LIE. TURN BACK NOW] I wanted to go through the items on this [CSA] Survivors' Aftereffects Checklist I could check off with near-certainty. 19/34, by the way, give or take. Now, as I said at the beginning, there are existing concrete reasons for why he has many of these experiences… but it's like the trans allegory with Masato, To Me… If I can check off over half the list based on a very limited backstory and an hour of screen time total, that's indicative of a notable overlap… TO ME…

Note that the book this list is from was published in 1990 and focuses on women's experiences. It was a huge step forward in giving survivors a voice back when a lot of existing research indicated CSA had neutral or even positive effects on children, but it's definitely a product of its time. With that out of the way…

Wearing a lot of clothing, even in summer […]

To be fair, most male characters in RGG are fully-covered and have near-unchanging designs, and it's winter in both 2000/2001 and presumably 2019, but… when it comes to Jo, it feels a little different.

He does have Some Heavage in his twenties [although the necklace takes the attention off of his actual chest], but as time goes on, he shows less and less skin and adds more and more layers. When he has the gloves on, it leaves no skin exposed at all, and there's this direct symbolic correlation with secrecy that isn't there for other characters. And if you're wearing three layers of leather [or even one], you can neither feel what you're touching nor feel anything touch you.

Pure Speculation, but I just can't really see him underdressed for any occasion… That's why his fit in Day with the Sun is funny as hell but also… yeah…

As a behavior, if it's rooted in anything, it's probably rooted in having to hide signs of physical abuse, of course--but then he kind of already had an excuse, with how he was constantly getting into fights. I guess it depends on the specifics, but I think it's interesting to consider this as one way CSA victims attempt to regain control of their bodies, avoiding emotional discomfort at the cost of physical discomfort.

Self-destructiveness

It's nothing super overt, but I see this most clearly represented in his second boss fight in particular; his willingness to wield a blade bare-handed while using enough force he could very well render his hand useless. I think it's potentially also evident in how he has severe cataracts he chooses to ignore and allow to worsen, despite having the reasons and resources to undergo surgery to restore his vision. In doing so, he literally and figuratively blinds himself to so much.

I also kind of think the assassination of Hoshino/the anonymous call and The Eye Scene are examples of self-sabotage. I mean, he literally was sabotaging himself in the former, but it's also the specific way he feels the need to be physically taken down in order to be stopped--possibly a holdover from RGGJo, who's only too happy to be beaten into a coma.

I don't know… It's hard to pinpoint, but I feel like he would be averse to most of the more "obvious" self-destructive behaviors--especially when he has people in his life who might notice and worry, like Ikumi and Arakawa. That and because many of them are addictive. He's seen what that's done to his father, and he's also developed this incredibly rigid sense of discipline he can't maintain if he doesn't have a clear head.

From how he talks about himself [as having lost his humanity and lived a half-assed life], I definitely think he's at the very least unkind to himself, but I also think he does externalize it by provoking others to harm him [in the case of physical fights] and reject him. Like he needs some kind of proxy perpetrator. For some abuse victims, this specific manifestation of self-destructive behavior is a way to regain control--whether or not you "deserved it" back then, you do now, as a direct, logical result of your actions.

Need to be invisible, perfect, or perfectly bad

I think each of these needs manifests in different ways for Jo. The need to be invisible can be seen with authority figures (mainly Aoki, but also Arakawa in The Yubitsume Scene, a little; how drastically he pulls back and tries to act "normal")--this relates to what you were talking about with being reluctant to intrude or take up space. If you fall under the radar, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfect can be seen in his seemingly "impossible" standards, I would say. Of course, because we see things from Ichiban's perspective, we tend to see them as unfair and often arbitrary demands. But they aren't arbitrary to Jo, are they? They're standards he holds himself to through and through. If you're good, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfectly bad can be seen in and relates to much of what I discussed under self-destructiveness [The Eye Scene and the way he antagonizes Ichiban specifically by making himself out to be worse than he is]. If you must get hurt, it can at least "make sense"--be "deserved."

Suicidal thoughts, attempts, obsession (including "passive suicide")

Obviously he's not like… Mine Levels Of Overtly And Consistently Suicidal, and he doesn't attempt suicide himself, but at the same time, I have to note his total ambivalence towards Aoki seeing him as a "bullet" (a kind of hitman sent on suicide missions). He agreed to what he himself viewed as a suicide mission and he didn't care what would happen to him afterward, as he says to Joon-gi, Zhao, and Adachi.

Aside from that, I certainly feel he's at least had passive thoughts like wanting to disappear or wishing he'd never been born. Y'know. Nothing concrete, but reflective of his mental state, and just as detrimental to dwell on long-term.

I think there's a sort of childishness [for lack of a better word] to thoughts like these [in that they're impossible], but also a level of maturity in that it probably doesn't escalate to something more actionable because he understands he has responsibilities he can't abandon. I think if he was ever seriously suicidal, it would be at the points of his life where he really didn't have any responsibility to anyone, like between Ikumi leaving and him joining the family, or after he was arrested.

Depression (sometimes paralyzing) […]

I'm trying not to over explain going forward because I Have BEEN Overexplaining It Is SUCH A Disaster… he's depressed If You Have Eyes And/Or Ears… I'll leave it at that…

Anger issues; inability to recognize, own, or express anger; constant anger […]

Lol

Rigid control of one's thought process; humorlessness or extreme solemnity

Relates back to what I was saying about how disciplined he is [and expects everyone else to be], but in general, he's incredibly, incredibly serious and focused. I don't think he's /entirely/ humorless [but then again, very few people are]; I just think his specific sense of humor is. Like. What Is Your Problem [I Know What Your Problem Is I Have Been Discussing It In EXCRUCIATING Detail But What The Fuck Is Your Problem]

Trust issues; inability to trust (trust is not safe); total trust; trusting indiscriminately

That's why he was planning on taking his secret to the grave, isn't it? It was only when faced with the realization it would soon be too late to say anything that he was able to tell Ichiban. He could've trusted Arakawa, should've been able to, but… in his mind he never could.

This book [and this checklist] is about "incest" actually, but it redefines "incest" to mean any instance of CSA perpetrated by any individual the victim trusts or has an expectation of being able to implicitly trust. Which… is most CSA as we understand it today, so I've edited some parts to just say that.

Anyway, I've never given much thought to the specifics of what Jo might've experienced--who did it, what happened, how long it went on, etc.--so there's no conclusion I can draw here [and elsewhere, I'm sure]… but even without that, to grow up unable to trust the one person who should be in his corner, his father, and to have his trust betrayed by Ikumi, it's no surprise Jo ended up like this either way. So… I'm happy he had the courage to tell Ichi, in the end.

High risk taking ("daring the fates"); inability to take risks

I think these are supposed to be mutually exclusive, but to me, Hoshino's assassination and Arakawa's assassination represent both sides of the coin, although they're not the only examples. There are risks Jo won't think twice about taking and risks that paralyze him.

Boundary issues; control, power, territoriality issues; fear of losing control; obsessive/compulsive behaviors (attempts to control things that don't matter, just to control something)

Lol…

Guilt, shame; low self-esteem, feeling worthless; high appreciation of small favors by others

Lmao Even…

Feeling demand to "produce and be loved"; instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; relationships mean big tradeoffs (love was taken, not given)

I actually think this encapsulates a lot of what I've been saying about his work ethic, his ideas of discipline, and his relationship with Ikumi, but I also think it's why Masato took a liking to him. His attentiveness. It ties back into wanting to be perfect; when you're abused--especially long-term--you become attuned to observing and responding to any shifts in mood or tone. This is another area where I can't draw any conclusions relevant to my point, but it does certainly relate to his father's abuse, at any rate.

Abandonment issues

Kind of contentious… The anticipation of being abandoned by or losing someone he cares about appears to be worse than the actual experience. He's fine with Ikumi leaving him, and he's… not Fine With, but able to come to terms with Arakawa's death and Aoki's abandonment of him. At the same time, he really does try to make Ikumi's stay in his life comfortable, and he spends almost forty years doing his damnedest to keep his family together, whatever the cost. If I were to extrapolate from RGGJo, though, /he/ does have an obsessive, unhealthy attachment to Arakawa.

Blocking out some period of early years (especially 1–12); or a specific person or place

Ikumiiiiii that's what I'm SAYINGGGG

Feeling of carrying an awful secret; urge to tell, fear of its being revealed; certainty no one will listen; being generally secretive […]

Rofl Perhaps…

Denial; […] repression of memories; pretending; minimizing ("it wasn't that bad") […]

He admits to it himself. Not much else to say. Though I don't think he necessarily minimizes what he's been through by dismissing how bad it was; rather, he tends to overestimate his ability to move past it.

Pattern of ambivalent or intensely conflictive relationships (intimacy is a problem; also focus shifted from [CSA] issues)

Also kind of contentious… we don't see a pattern of romantic relationships, as I assume the author meant here, but at the same time, the romantic relationship and non-romantic relationships we do see fit this pattern. I guess I'd say I definitely think intimacy /would/ be a problem, and he /wouldn't/ be ready to address his issues.

Limited tolerance for happiness; active withdrawal from happiness, reluctance to trust happiness ("ice=thin")

The quote that prompted this ask in the first place. It's sort of connected to the point about humorlessness and extreme solemnity; if that was the "what," this is the "why." He doesn't know how to relax ["holidays don't exist" and all], he doesn't have much to be happy about, but even rarer is the occasion where he doesn't feel too conflicted in the moment to be able to enjoy himself. That's just how I see him.

[…] verbal hypervigilance (careful monitoring of one's words); quiet-voiced, especially when needing to be heard

EXACTLY what I was talking about in this ask, so I'm leaving that one up to past me…

......

... That's It That's The Essay I'm going to hibernate until Infinite Wealth comes out and somehow refutes my points but UNTIL THEN. Farewell, take care, and once more, don't worry too much about matching my energy… Like I Said if I were the one receiving this ask I'd just delete my blog, so… I'll just be happy to know you read it :] If That lmao

ok i read it :) 👁️👁️ READMYTAGSTHERESMORETHEREIPROMISE

#long post #cw csa #doublin up to add cw warnins in the tags just in case <3 lemme know if i should throw more tags down here..... im bad at cw tags....#i forget my bookmark tag for asks from you i stg if i cant find this ask in the future im kmsing (in minecraft) immediately #snap chats #THE SNORT I MADE AT THE DEADPAN 'LOL'☠️ maybe i SHOULDVE put text In The Main Text i have A Lot of Thoughts..#im leavin the main text empty since. ngl i was just gonna compare/contrast to myself again... and say a lot of what weve said b4..#UNFORTUNATELY a lot of the things listed here uhmmmm Hm <3 Uh Oh <3 i do understand. Dare I Say personally. just a bit #I DO HAVE TO DISCLAIM ive never been a survivor of THOSE circumstances or really. any abuse tbh- brain just sucks and im a baby #and i cant say no BUT ANYWAY I HAVE REASONS FOR BEIN AN EGOTIST I SWEAR its cause I Somewhat had those exps/i understand them #i can REAAAALLLYY easily see where your points are coming from.... very easily even... like very in-depth..#even if i didnt cry bout spilled milk every other day it IS clear to see the signs of abuse in sawashiro once you know them #i've def talked bout those aspects of him whether in tag rambles or in streams or have Attempted to express it via fics #so really the bits to chew on for me esp this time round is the more CSA aspects #tbh when it comes to bein unable to see him intimate or 'underdressed' i agree: incredibly hard for me to imagine #the thing with 'symptoms' of abuse is that they kinda overlap i guess ??#in that regard it can either be a need to impress or protect himself/needing to be seen less #when it comes to doing certain things because of CSA i could see it as a result of another abuse too. if that makes sense #THOUGH THAT ISNT TO DISCREDIT THE IDEA nono cause there still exists the Now That I Think About It circumstances of masato #even if we look at it through Western Norms(TM) two- essentially homeless- kids having. A Kid is still bizarre #cause again teen pregnancies generally happen as a result of Bein Irresponsible With A Schoolmate- not that other situations cant exist #but thats the most common innit so. def an aspect to consider. All Things Considered. esp jo's self-separation from ikumi #BUT YEAH i feel like if i try to respond im just gonna end up typing up a textbook bout abuse since. UNFORTUNATELY #childhood psychology is my field of interest. and aint no one readin THAT phat thing. esp when ill prob repeat myself or you ☠️#tbh remindin meself of when i said id write psyche papers on mine and/or jo.... oops 👀💋👀 savin this to steal notes from LOL #i hope yo know i WAS thoroughly intrigued reading this. As Ive Said childhood psyche is Literally My Field and this is v thorough and good #so im always interested in readin bout How X Caused Y in Z... very interesting many MANY things to think about.. ty...#forever cursed to be an idiot cause i really wish i could talk better and say somethin of substance.. ik you said its fine but still..#im always open to chat bout this more if youd like PLEASE dont think my lack of Main Text is disinterest Im Just Stupid. But We Know That

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