#this has been in my drafts since november idk why i never posted it. more fibula lore i guess

[son1c]

y'all don't even know about what happens after fibula encounters femur that first time... because, like, sure, he runs away from her. he flees the graveyard and disappears into the woods because he can't bear to face her.

but he doesn't go back to eggman. he can't. he's panicking too much to think straight. stumbling through the trees, overwhelmed by a cavalcade of emotions brought forth by seeing his sister again. he thought she was dead, but she's not. he thought, if she was alive, that she wouldn't care about him anymore. but she does. clearly--since she was visiting his grave, and leaving him gifts.

fibula is CRASHING through the woods, making so much noise and not caring at all about how many plants he's trampling underfoot. the flickies are pissed. he doesn't care. he doesn't even see them.

all he can see is his sister's face--older. her eyes, confused. because she doesn't recognize him.

and it hits him all at once the situation that he's in. undead. stitched together with chaos energy and mechanical legs. a monster. he never cared before. in fact, he actually thought it was pretty cool to be a monster. but his own sister's failure to recognize him causes his still heart to twist painfully.

is this really right? everything he's done since being revived, all the torment he's caused and ENJOYED causing... he's rethinking it now that he's seen femur again. because even though being a menace has made him happy, what would his sister think? would she be disappointed? or, worse...

would she be afraid of him?

the thought of it causes him choke and stumble, and by this point he's made enough of a ruckus to attract the attention of a certain blue hero... who of course, starts on a quip about how he wasn't planning on kicking any zombie butt today, but...

and then sonic sees The Absolute State(TM) that fibula is in, and whatever he was going to say dies in his throat. cuz he's seen a lot of stuff, but one of his enemies crying their eyes out? gotta say, this would be the first time. meanwhile, fibula is NOT EXCITED about running into sonic, because spilling so many tears--which are actually just liquefied chaos energy, aka the stuff KEEPING HIM ALIVE--has left him exhausted, and he doesn't think he has any energy left to fight.

and he's right! because he collapses shortly after sonic steps closer, his ears perking up curiously after fibula chokes out something about his sister... and when he wakes up some time later, he finds himself strapped to another metal table (different from the one eggman revived him on).

as it turns out, fibula's little "face down in the dirt" stunt from earlier made sonic think he was dead. like DEAD dead, for real this time. so, our favorite blue hero dragged fibula back to tails' lab to see if he could fix it. (tails, of course, was baffled by the situation, but a chance to examine eggman's handiwork up close could be useful regardless of the fact fibula is less tech and more flesh than most things the doctor works on.)

immediately, fibula tries to break free, but tails has that shit locked down, so the restraints don't budge. then, fibula remembers seeing femur earlier, and resigns himself to laying on the table. it's not that he's given up, it's just... this might be the worst day of his life (and the competition is pretty steep, so that's really saying something).

meanwhile, tails isn't sure what to do. by this point, he's noticed that fibula is awake, but sonic isn't around--he ran off once it was clear that tails had the situation under control--so he doesn't have his big brother to guide him. and he doesn't even really know fibula. since this is the first time they're directly interacting (before this, all tails would've heard was wild tales from sonic, amounting to nothing more than spotty secondhand knowledge).

and the thing is, fibula has no idea who tails is either. all he can see is that he's a kid. and fibula has a very strict rule against hurting kids (because they remind him of his sister. who is apparently still alive. and doesn't recognize him. oh, man--)

fibula forces himself to say something. "you don't look like you work for eggman," probably. with his typical snark, but it lacks its usual bite.

tails would scoff. an astute observation from the guy who was clinically dead a few minutes ago, he thinks. then, he tells fibula that he doesn't work for eggman, because he's on the opposite team.

that makes fibula grimace. great. so, he's strapped to an ENEMY'S table. and then he remembers running into sonic after having his little freakout in the graveyard, and everything starts to make a little more sense.

and of course THAT is when sonic saunters back in, probably with a snack in hand like, "how's it goin' in here, tails?" all casual-like. but he Knows. and fibula knows that he knows. and fibula is DETERMINED to act like nothing happened and sonic didn't see ANYTHING and nothing is wrong. so he instantly snaps back, because now he can focus on being a jerk again instead of whatever awful feelings have been brewing in his gut since last night...

and tails watches. he watches as fibula and sonic bicker and comments on fibula's strange state of not-life, not-death but fibula ignores him on purpose... until tails gets fed up and states bluntly that maybe he shouldn't've revived him, even though sonic asked, cuz he's so mean.

and there's half a second where fibula has nothing to say. SONIC helped him? even though they're enemies? but then fibula sneers at sonic and says "your mistake."

and sonic has that fucking look in his eye... you know... the one where he thinks he knows everything. the "we'll see about that"-type look. and fibula hates it so much because it just adds to his Inner Turmoil(TM). like, he's evil now! he's evil! and bad! and a no-good, rotten hedgehog!

and he's also strapped to a table. and owes his not-life to a tiny little fox, apparently.

and for the first time since sonic showed up, fibula looks at tails. he looks him right in the face with his unsettling orange eyes that shouldn't be. and he says, "your big bro thinks he's got it all figured out. but you're the smart one, i can tell. so i'll take your word over his."

and tails kinda like... falters. cuz he wasn't expecting that? and fibula doesn't realize it, but what he said reveals a lot of his inner conflict to tails. cuz he's right... tails IS the smart one. and when tails eventually lets fibula go, and fibula scampers back to the empire, tails is left wondering about fibula and his cracked facade

[margoshansons]

The deadline article says a casting notice for Francesca went out in December. It’s not a surprise to the cast. The Regé situation is completely different since they were negotiating with him for a while but things fell through. And lol there’s not been any real backlash nor would the show need to couch the recasting like they needed to with RJP’s departure. He was the face of S1 while most general audiences don’t know who Francesca is. A goodbye tweet could’ve been nice but there’s no reason to do anything more formal than that.

Ruby looked the part but that aside I’m really baffled by the attachment to an actress who hasn’t had more than 10 lines across both seasons. Hannah is a fine actress and is probably the prettiest Bridgerton sister now. She’s also 26 and while Ruby’s an adult now, it’s a weird gray area to cast an underage actor and later ask them to possibly do explicit sex scenes.

Idk why some people are trying to conjure this recasting as disrespectful or nefarious in any way.

Listen, anon I'm gonna level with you. There's a good chance Ruby's contract was up considering she was probably booked for two seasons before the announcement of 3&4, but this whole situation feels WEIRD and underhanded.

I know I've said that a lot, but that's how I feel. I don't think CVD or the writers really gave Ruby a chance to shine and as a result, she needed to find extra work to pad her resume. I know they said that her absence of season 2 was due to scheduling conflict, but I don't know if I believe that. Maybe at the start because Lockwood started filming July 5th, 2021, but Bridgerton STARTED production in March of 2021 and was halted July 15th, 2021, which means they had several months to draft storylines and scripts and film with Ruby before she had to go film Lockwood. Also, even if they didn't start filming until July 15th, 2021, that's a full ten days between Ruby filming Lockwood and Bridgerton filming season 2, which would've been enough to be like "hey we need you for these scenes"

Considering both shows are owned by Netflix, I don't know how much stock I put in the "scheduling conflict" argument and in my opinion, it's far more likely that Ruby was told "hey you're not gonna have that big of a role" or felt like she wasn't going to after Season 1 and went in search of other work, which good for her.

GA may not have known who Francesca was, but that doesn't excuse the weird way they went about this casting. If a casting announcement did go out in December, that's so weird to me cause they only finished production in November, like right before thanksgiving. Like, yes, you need plenty of time to do auditions and everything, but also that's such a quick turnaround. It just adds more stock to the theory that CVD TOLD Ruby about the change instead of making it a conversation.

And if Ruby didn't know...as a lot of people are speculating right now because she didn't give a goodbye post or anything talking about it and Hannah doesn't follow her, then that's HELLA SHADY.

Like I said, I do not like how Shondaland/Bridgerton handled their casting announcements. It feels so weird and underhanded and I don't know if they're trying to do like a Lady Whistledown type of thing where everyone finds out the news at the same time so the experience is like how the ton would find out news, but I genuinely think the way they go about things is so shady.

Also, Ruby was not underage when she was cast. She was 19/20 when they filmed season one. I'm sure she signed on knowing she would have to do explicit scenes at one point, and if she didn't then who cares, more power to her. She's still an adult at the time of filming and it was probably either written into her contract or was going to be written into her contract.

I agree if they pulled this shit with Will and Flo it would feel weird, but Ruby has never been underage when filming Bridgerton.

[avidrawsthings]

Since the post detailing the bullying Reina endured wont show up why not just do a recap instead?

IDK what is it with this damn site refusing to let me publish it lol It won’t even let me publish the second draft I made and instead just keeps giving me those annoying little cutesy error messages. Third time’s the charm I guess. One day I’ll learn to actually keep things very brief.

Going forward, trigger warning for harassment, bullying and sl*t-shaming. I’ll keep it as brief as possible and divide it in sections to keep it organized. Images will be included to provide visuals while also avoiding the massive wall of text this would be otherwise. Since I want to cover everything in a single post, this is gonna be quite lengthy despite my efforts to shorten them as much as possible. There will be 6 parts total. Sorry in advance. While each part is short it’s still a long post. XD Hope it’s a decent read for those interested.

Context regarding Merula’s characterization: Thanks to a number of factors playing out differently, the Merula in my setting had become incredibly toxic by Year 5. Basically she faced actual consequences for everything she’s done since Year 1. Since Reina’s relation to Ricardo (Jacob) was never public, Merula didn’t have the MC’s scrutiny as an excuse to get away with her bullying. As a result, she gained a reputation of being violent and destructive due to lashing out at the foreign transfer student (Reina)for no real reason. The frequent comparisons to her Death Eater parents didn’t help matters either. Instead of reflecting and learning to improve herself, Merula just blamed everything on Reina and let those negative feelings fester over the years, turning her into the person she became by Year 5.

Tldr: Merula’s a straight up villain in Year 5.

Pt.1: Beginning

As Reina had sensed pure malice from Rakepick the moment they met back in Year 4, she’s refused to be anywhere near the woman. Into year 5 this extended to Reina refusing to take Defense Against the Dark Arts, and she never became one of her apprentices. Reina resolved to break the curse on her terms and worked alongside Rowan, Talbott, Ismelda, Barnaby, Jae, Tulip, Badeea and Chiara. Despite the stresses that came with it, for Reina it wasn’t anything she couldn’t handle.

The following November, Reina had attempted to warn Merula about Rakepick’s true intentions, but the Slytherin girl wasn’t having it and instead lashed back rather violently. With this Reina was completely done with Merula, however Merula wasn’t done with her.

Merula wanted Reina to be miserable and be driven to leave the school. It wasn’t just about being the strongest witch anymore. Reina’s attempts at warning her became her excuse for making plans to ruin the girl’s life by any means necessary.

Merula approached Emily Tyler of all people, as she knew perfectly well that the petty Gryffindor had it out for Reina as well. Two years prior Reina cursed and humiliated her after she (Emily) insulted Bill. Emily and Merula formed an alliance to get back at Reina.

Thanks to everything she gathered about Reina over the years of spying on her, Merula passed on any info to Emily that could be used to incite some much needed damage. Emily twisted that information around into some awful rumors.

Pt.2: Rumors

The rumors started by depicting Reina as a power-obsessed glory-hound, seeking out the vaults for nothing more than personal gain. When Rowan attacked her in the courtyard while under the Imperious Curse, this gave the witnessing students the impression that they were fighting and Rowan has had enough.

Reina’s refusal to work with Rakepick was seen as her viewing the woman as competition. It was that rumor specifically that began to drive a wedge between her friends. When everyone gathered at the library, Reina made it clear why she avoided Rakepick. By that point she’s always been honest, especially as Reina has always been a bad liar and her friends knew that. This time should’ve been no different, but Reina quickly found out some of her friends were already doubting her.

Charlie would be the first to question her claims, and while he had no ill intentions whatsoever, to Reina it felt like a slap to the face. Although she didn’t have proof to her claims, all of them knew she’d never lie. This is what led to the groups splitting in two: those that sided with Reina due to their own mistrust of Rakepick consisted of Rowan, Talbott, Ben, Tulip and Chiara. Barnaby, Ismelda, Jae and Badeea would join them later.

During that time Penny was not in the best mental state thanks to Beatrice’s situation. Merula took advantage of this and manipulated her over time into hating Reina. Penny was led to believe Reina didn’t care about the afflicted students at all, and the earlier rumors weren’t helping her case. Seeing Reina celebrating their second Quidditch victory with her teammates only enraged Penny, leading to her verbally lashing out at Reina in front of the entire common room.

Penny only stopped when Skye angrily told her to back off, and Sprout demanded to speak with her. Her friendship with Reina was severed on very bad terms. Merula had no real gain to this other than causing as much harm as possible. She proudly admitted it to Barnaby and Ismelda when they confronted her about it. The two officially cut ties with Merula at that point, disgusted and troubled at her lack of remorse.

Reina did her best to keep moving forward, but now with the added loss of her friendship with Penny and sensing nothing but hate from her, she now felt overwhelmed. By the following Quidditch practice, she fainted and had to be hospitalized after Orion couldn’t get a pulse.

Just as she recovered, the rumors became far worse.

Pt.3: Harassment, Bullying and Vandalism

After Christmas break, Emily spun more rumors that were ensured to hit Reina where it hurt and ruin her positive reputation.

With the knowledge that Reina took secret trips with Bill and Charlie the year prior to the Forbidden Forest, and again earlier in the year to the Prefects Bathroom (before the group split), the true context was left out and things were spun into something far more explicit.

Being portrayed as a whore caused a good chunk of Reina’s Muggleborn classmates to turn against her. What made it more difficult for her was the disdain she sensed from them because of things about her that were nowhere near true. This became one of those times Reina hated her Empathy and found herself wishing she could either shut it off or never have it again.

Soon her items, desks and Quidditch robes got vandalized and had terrible words etched/painted on them. Spells would get thrown at her out in the halls and she had to stop answering mail out of worry they were tampered with. While she still fought back and cursed those responsible, these people would not let up now that they got a reaction out of her.

She now had to deal with accusations of doing explicit things to not only get on the Quidditch team, but also to get all of her good grades. When the professors quickly caught wind of this they were absolutely furious. After some stupidly bold students confronted Snape thinking the rumors were true, they received detentions for the rest of their time in school, and failed out of his class. It didn’t take long for him to find out Merula had some involvement in this.

During Hufflepuff’s third Quidditch match, Reina was deliberately injured far more than her teammates by members of the opposing team. Though they were disqualified and banned, Reina had to be hospitalized for weeks because of her injuries. This caused her to miss her Quinceanera (15th birthday), something she had been looking forward to nearly all her life. Her family assured her they’d have the party for her that following summer, putting her at ease.

After being released from the hospital wing, Reina was accompanied by Rowan and Chiara back to their dorm to get her books while everyone else was at lunch. To their horror they find Reina’s bed, past gifts and belongings completely destroyed.

The only things she had left were the clothes on her back and the items in the schoolbag she was carrying. Devastated and reaching her breaking point, Reina ran off campus and went into hiding. The only ones that knew of her location were Rowan, Talbott and Madam Rosmerta. When she saw how distressed Reina was, she gave the girl her brother’s apartment to use.

Rowan and Ismelda gathered with several of the others, collected all necessary evidence and publicly exposed Emily, Merula and the other bullies, who were then punished accordingly. Although Reina’s name had finally been cleared, her sudden “disappearance” started a new set of rumors. This time around Emily, Merula and the group of bullies were met with suspicion from the other students, thinking the goons were involved in her vanishing somehow.

Merula was now subjected to harassment of her own and once again had to deal with accusations of being just like her Death Eater parents.

Reina would not return to the school for the next 50 days. Before she left, thanks to Duncan and Rowan she had reached out to Peeves by bringing up his friendship with Ricardo, and offered to create some chaos-inducing spells with his input, which caught his attention. While they were making some decent progress, it was put to a halt with her sudden departure.

Not pleased with the rude interruption to his chaotic plans, he decided to give Merula an especially difficult time after learning she drove Reina away to take her place. When Rakepick called Merula out on her behavior, the Slytherin volunteered to acquire the painting by herself (not that anyone wanted to work with her anyway) as a form of redemption.

Pt. 4: Retaliation

Although Reina was out of the way, it wasn’t enough for Merula. Still desperate for Rakepick’s approval, she began to sabotage just about anyone she felt would get in her way, including fellow apprentices.

Looking to get even, Merula and the bullies went after Rowan (glasses were broken), Ben (ambushed and beaten badly), Barnaby (ambushed with curses and hospitalized) and Ismelda (ambushed and her hair forcibly cut). Charlie’s arm was purposely broken in Gryffindor’s next Quidditch match, while Bill would be hospitalized thanks to one of his books being cursed.

Merula and some goons openly confronted Talbott on the courtyard as he was reading, and the Slytherin girl not only exposed his relationship with Reina, but also mocked his dead parents. She bragged how she overheard his conversation with Reina 2 years prior as they searched for his missing necklace and why it was so important to him.

Despite being furious and disgusted, Talbott maintained his calm long enough to realize the thugs were there to make sure he couldn’t get away. He was internally thankful he Obliviated her those years back after she found out he was an Unregistered Animagus, as without a doubt she would’ve exposed that as well just to spite him.

He was able to overpower the goons after using Wind Magic.

With Merula being the last one standing, he challenged her to a duel on the spot. She gladly accepted but was quickly defeated after Talbott called her out on everything she had done, ending by sarcastically wishing her luck in acquiring the painting from Peeves. By that point she had been trying for over a week.

25 days into hiding, Reina was in a much better mental state. She continued her work with Peeves in secret after having Rowan and Duncan pass the message along. Reina found the perfect targets in the form of all her tormentors, and was eager to get back at them for everything they put her and her friends through.

With her new resolve, her wand would transform into a staff, signifying she was ready for the next step in her magical journey. The staff allowed her to use stronger magic and she soon got to work.

Pt.5: Consequences

After the awful things she said to Reina months prior, Penny had since been shunned by most of her fellow Hufflepuffs. A lot of them thought she was working with Merula and avoided her entirely because of it. While untrue, all that mattered to Penny was Beatrice’s well-being.

Unfortunately she drove away her friends as well, angrily lashing out at them out of belief they sided with Reina, when in truth all they wanted was to help. Ismelda would be the one to finally snap her out of it by calling her out on her behavior, and making Penny hit the realization that she hurt Reina so badly there’s a high chance she’ll never be forgiven. This would haunt her for the rest of her time at school.

Merula herself lost all of Rakepick’s trust and respect after the woman figured out what she had done.

Rakepick was fully aware of what Reina said about her and didn’t care in the slightest. The girl still prioritized breaking the curse and it was pretty obvious Reina would still join the rest of the group when they headed to the next vault. While evil in this setting, Rakepick still had a degree of respect for Reina and the apprentices, even if they were only useful pawns to her.

If there’s one thing Rakepick hated, it was having her time wasted, which is exactly what Merula had accomplished. She only decided to give the girl one last chance after she pleaded to get the painting from Peeves herself. Rakepick knew it was next to impossible for Merula to do it on her own due to her own decisions and behavior. The only way Merula would contribute to the chaos Peeves wanted was to be subjected to it herself, and Reina made sure she would.

Two weeks after Merula took on the task, she along with Emily and the other bullies appeared to have been struck with astronomical levels of bad luck. It all started after they received black roses in the mail, while Merula found a bunch on her bed. The only warning she received were that black roses symbolized hate, and whoever sent them was after the recipients now.

The group got subjected to all manner of pranks left and right not just from Peeves, but a few anonymous students (Tonks, Tulip and Jae). The pranks worsened over time, ranging from items like Glitter and Confetti Bombs manifesting out of thin air to attack them, pies to the face, Stink Bombs in their school bags and even a Jinx that left most of them in clown makeup that wouldn’t come off for hours. Knowing that the group was cursed, the other students avoided them.

Pt.6: Resolution

Reina at that point returned to the school, barely paying attention to the surprise her classmates had upon seeing her. The only thing she cared about was seeing the work she created with Peeves’ help: all of the spells inflicted on her tormentors. The Clown Face Jinx was actually Ricardo’s creation, and Reina used it at Peeves’ request. When Merula found out Reina was back, she angrily demanded the painting from Peeves after dishing out some (empty) threats, only to be met with paint splatter and confetti bombs. Seeing Reina as a threat to her goals, Merula headed to the courtyard where she found the girl waiting for her.

Merula demanded a duel to settle things between them once and for all, and Reina obliged. She’s defeated thanks to Reina’s new array of spells thanks to her staff. Merula makes one last ditch attempt at getting back at Reina by claiming she’s the one wasting everyone’s time with petty self-serving drama, but by that point no one buys it. Her name had already been cleared while Merula’s was pretty much done.

To get back at Merula one last time, Reina reveals the role she played in the pranks and that she received the real painting from Peeves after she arrived back at the castle, making Merula’s earlier threats against him even more pointless. She decides to put her foot down and make it clear going forward that Merula (and anyone else) would never bother her or her friends ever again, nor would she spy on them like she had done so much in the past. The choice was simple: leave them alone or face the consequences. The pranks were just a warning. Merula didn’t say anything after that.

Later on, several of the bullying thugs were expelled. Emily would have to repeat her 7th year due to poor scores on her N.E.W.Ts, barely avoiding expulsion herself. In regards to Merula, the Ministry decided keeping her at school was the logical option. Knowing well of who her parents are, and with the documentation of her past and current actions, they didn’t want to deal with the child of Death Eaters being set loose on the Wizarding World to do who knows what.

In the end, Reina got vindication after Rakepick revealed her true colors at the buried vault and attempted to kill her and her friends. The vault crew consisted of Bill, Charlie, Merula, Ben, Penny, Rowan and Reina herself. The friends that doubted her words apologized, while she herself also apologized for how she handled it. Penny kept her distance from her friends, both to focus on Beatrice and also due to feeling shame for her actions. By that point Reina had no interest in speaking to her.

It took Merula being subjected to the Cruciatus Curse by Rakepick to finally understand Reina was right about the woman all along. Had she listened to Reina’s warning rather than carry out her little revenge plot, she could’ve been better prepared. Not that Merula would ever admit it outright.

Had she been just the least bit rational, she’d at least still have Barnaby and Ismelda on her side, but instead she was all alone with only her thoughts for company. Deep down she felt she deserved all the bad things that happened to her. The only thing that kept her going was her desire to get revenge on Rakepick, and was more than willing to throw her entire life away to do it.

[dallonm-archive]

REVELATIONS, REVELATIONS | UPDATE #1

Hello y’all! I refuse to believe it’s been 3 and a half months since I last made an update post for this novel because time is not real :) whoops! This has actually been sat in my drafts for like a month though 

A rundown of things that happened: 

We have a new title! I already went into the meta and possible interpretations (it’s ~ambiguous~), so if you want you can read about that HERE.

I did 3 weeks of Nano and wrote 15k words! On the site I recorded 15053 but I think it was more 15.5k? I’ve edited the original doc now so idk but I’m v happy with that!

After that I took a break and a lot of Life Things happened re a certain pandemic that is taking :) all my motivation :) so I didn’t return to drafting until January. I also really struggled to progress with the story and decided the best thing was to revisit what I already had and work on that

It’s not that the original chapters weren’t working, I was just trying to understand the story for the first time and also Nano was such a hazy blur and I’m 99% sure November didn’t happen. I probably won’t revisit a section this intensely again until I’ve finished the draft but at this stage it really helped because the more I worked on it, the more I understood where it had to go next - I know the structure (for now), the basics for the middle and how the story ends :) hehe :) and I don’t think I’d had those revelations (aha) without revisiting this first part. I got to fall in love with the story all over again and I’m very happy with where it’s going!

This intro is already getting so long so I’m just going to jump straight into it because this update is LONG. I’m talking about all the chapters today even though not all of them are new, but since I’ve learnt a lot about them and this is officially update #1 post-nano, it makes sense to talk about all of them! I’m also going to do a new taglist because I see this as a new set of updates also I am awful at keeping up with taglists so! I’m just tagging friends who have already expressed interest + mutuals who I’m like 99% sure want to stay on so! please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed! 

@kowlazovdi​ @isherwoodj​ @avi-burton-writing​ @pamsdrabbles​ @ryns-ramblings​ @kitblogsthings​ @svpphicwrites​ @aetherwrites​ @radiomacbeth​ @bijouxs​ @writerlywonders​ @haldimilks​ @alicewestwater​ @piyawrites​ @coffeeandcalligraphy​ @shaelinwrites​

usual content warnings for religious trauma and cult discussion, specific CWs will come before excerpts!

So I’m currently working with four parts, and I’ve extended the timeline from one year to four years. This suits the story much better BUT pretty much everything here was written before that decision and I do not have the energy to restructure all of it right now :) Each part is split into two sections, one for each POV. So four parts, 8 sections, Felix and Dorothy get four sections each. I let the structure grow with the story but this one is working very well!

Also I started setting my pages to light green and it was LIFE CHANGING. Much kinder on the eyes and just looks so nice?? Calming?? This post is your sign to set your page colour to light green like LOOK

So we have a prologue now!! The story made a lot more sense once I added this because originally the information we learn was just shoehorned into Chapter 1 in a flashback when really we needed to know this information going into it. That being said I struggled with this for a bit just because to justify a prologue I need that information to be conveyed in a way that is completely unique to the rest of the narrative so I didn’t want to just write this as a flashback. I ended up writing it in 2nd person and it came out in a way where it’s not clear which twins POV it is? Like it’s more of a fusion of both of them where neither of them have their own individual identity beyond “the twins” yet. I can’t tell if this is my funky POV peak or a clarity nightmare but I like it! I want it to only be ~500 words so we can take the risk.

In this they’re fourteen and they do a “blood pact” as a way to symbolically cut themselves from their family (aka: their father) whilst they’re still tethered to it. I really love it because not only is it exactly what these slightly unhinged-but-havent-tapped-into-it-yet, co-dependent-and-dont-realise-it kids would do but it immediately brings up the question of family and what family actually is. I’ve also realised a huge idea in this story is the idea of the tangible and for them, the concept of family and blood isn’t tangible so they struggle to recognise its significance (not that it. has any for them in the first place.) but their relationship, seeing each other bleed and pressing the cuts together is. The writing itself is kinda wonky because of the whole funky clarity nightmare POV but here’s a little taste of the ending:

cw: blood

You’ll slink back into your family room to clean and plaster each other’s hands and you’ll ask yourselves: which bloodstains came from who? Who bled the most and who stopped first? Who will come up with the story for the cuts on your palms and who will dispose the bloodied towel? Who is Dorothy without Felix and who is Felix without Dorothy?

Shiny new first chapter! Originally this was in Dorothy’s POV but now it’s switched to Felix and instead of just showing their reunion (which turns out is....very anticlimactic and not appropriate for an opening lol??) we actually explore Felix’s thoughts an actions after he decides to escape the cult, which was a very impulsive decision and spans about a day and a half. This one is definitely gonna take a few drafts to get right because it’s such a delicate but intense event to write and I’m content with the fact that it’s not There Yet but the prose is! I had a lot of fun writing this chapter and it really helped me get back into the swing of loving this story. There’s something very delicate about it but also very troubling under the surface. The opening gave me a lot of trouble, but the first line hits!

The day Felix decides to leave the sun glows the same, and the pine trees breathe the same, and the chapel cross stabs the sky the same. 

Ironically, a good chunk of the chapter happens outside the cult, as Felix decides to spend his final day taking Lola - a woman his age who is literally the only person he likes lmao - to one of the nearby towns. Whilst the main function of the chapter is to introduce the cult itself, it’s also to show how normalised leaving actually is - it’s just every time he’s left has been temporary, and every time he has left, he still feel separated from this “outside world”. They go to a candy store and a thrift store - where Felix lies about his mom (who he hasn’t seen in 20 years) being in hospital so he can use a phone :) Lola is a new character so I don’t have much to say on her, but all I can say is they are wlw and mlm solidarity but also she knows how to read him 

“I don’t know why Dotty and I loved this place so much - we always got  toothaches.”

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?”

“These apple ones are nice, but I think the lime is my favourite. Do you think the apple or the lime is nicer?”

“I think you’re leaving, but I also think you’re scared, so you’re pretending that I’m going to leave with you and that’s why you wanted to go to town. You chose the candy shop because this is where you went the first time you left, but this time you’re not coming back. Does that scare you, Fel?”

And here is my favourite paragraph in the whole chapter because <3 what the fuck <3 and if pine trees are a key Felix symbol no they aren’t 👁️ yes they are

cw: falling out a window? pushing yourself out a window? description of bones breaking

The day Felix decides the leave, when the clouds bleed amber, he pushes the scratched mahogany dresser so it lines with the windowsill, lies on top and hangs his head out. It’s never comfortable, but it’s always peaceful: sometimes cars murmur on nearby backroads, sometimes a wind chime flutters, sometimes brush rabbits rustle in shrubbery and they all breathe the same oxygen as him. He closes his eyes, inhales the pine air, and plays God: pushes himself further out, an inch at a time, until his shoulders cross the line and he wonders what bones would break if he fell. Would he break both arms or one, both legs or one? Would he break his spine? Which vertebra would crack, and how many? Would he feel them all in one big strike, or all the individual bones burst like popping candy? Evening breeze whispers against his face and he could do it right now, leap out the window and if he didn’t break his legs or back he could run to the bushes, to the pine trees, to the road, the town over East or West, the county line.

If Felix hit the ground, would it be because of a freak fall, or because he pushed himself out?

We have to laugh because I’m pretty sure I said in my Nano update that this chapter was the strongest so far besides one scene but when I looked back that scene <3 took up 80% of the fucking chapter <3 So I just said fuck it I’ll rewrite the whole thing for fun!!!! And I love it!!! It’s so jarring compared to Chapter One and that’s the point!! Everything is so over saturated and originally that was just to convey the absolute shock Felix gets from the Major Impulsive Life Decision He Just Made, but now I think it’s intentional on his part and it goes back to the idea of the tangible: whilst he didn’t grow up totally isolated this is still a new life for him, and he has nothing to latch onto, so he looks to his surroundings and hyper-focuses and latches onto it because it’s something that’s now tangible and accessible to him so he sees it in this very bright, romanticised way (the romanticisation of San Francisco is very amusing to me but it’s also very relevant). But even with that he still distances himself from this environment still - the same way he did whilst living in the cult. He has no idea how he wants to exist in this world and he doesn’t even know how to exist yet.

And so it became clockwork: eyes burst open at two, three, four in morning, doesn’t bother trying to fall back to sleep. Lurk into the kitchen, make a coffee or water or whiskey. Sit under the fritzing lightbulb with no shade, think about everything and nothing and everything and nothing. Or go for a smoke, inhale the vapours until it hurts his chest, breathe in the cool air until it hurts his teeth, wander around the block until it hurts his feet. Sneak back into a room that doesn’t belong to him in an apartment that doesn’t belong to him in a city that doesn’t belong to him. Count the bumps in the popcorn ceiling until footsteps sneak down the hall – Dorothy leaving a room that doesn’t belong to her. Join his sister back at the kitchen, she complains that they need to replace the lightbulb. Over pulpy orange juice and scrambled eggs on toast, she retells her dream and lists the possible meanings and he lists his plans for that day on how to immerse in the outside world, familiarise himself with the city until it belongs to him. Travel by trolley for the first time, eat seafood at the waterfront for the first time. Bump into a cherry-headed conure parrot by chance. Climb Twin Peaks and gaze at the new view of home. Trace the outline of translucent mountains in the air and pretend you’ll ever hike them; trace the outline of high rises in the air and pretend you know the people in them. He asks Dorothy when he’ll stop feeling like a tourist – she has no answer for him.

(context: Dorothy’s roommate, Jolie, is out of town at this point, so Dorothy tells Felix to take her room whilst she takes Jolie’s and they’ll sort it out later. Dorothy has no problem sleeping in Jolie’s bed because her and Jolie are Very Good Friends)

I also realised that, in the nicest way possible to November me, that this chapter was so damn boring because it’s very dialogue heavy but in every dialogue moment they are literally just 🧍 doing nothing. So I wrote a scene as a half-joke of Just Met Like Three Hours Ago Beau and Felix going to the arcade and it saved this chapter. It is SO fun but it also comes straight after this very emotionally intense moment and it’s really interesting to see that reach its zenith and then just. fizzle out but linger in the background? I love this scene but I also can’t take it too seriously because they play Frogger and @aetherwrites​ joked that the game’s a metaphor for Felix leaving the cult and I love her and hate her because she is so right I can picture the LIT1000 seminar where that analysis would be made unironically and it’d be ME who makes it and I am so close to just running with that for real. Also these two aren’t love at first sight but the chemistry is so loud like did you two meet today or have you been married for eight years and own five dogs together what’s the truth? Anyway here’s Felix murdering Beau on sight 

“You know, you could’ve warned me that you’d be that good,” Beau says.

“It’s not that difficult, you could’ve warned me that you’d be that bad.”

Beau leans across to shuffle through cassette tapes in the glove compartment. “I’m not, you just got lucky. I let you win.”

“But it’s not even competitive. You just died seven times in a row.”

I’m a little unsure of the pacing for this chapter now because its effectiveness lies in the fact it takes place a week after the previous, and my job with this section post-draft is to stretch it out longer since it only spans three weeks. I’m hoping I can make it work where there’s little time between Chapter 1 & 2 but still cover more time in chapters 3-5 because I think that’d be jarring in the best way? Like the absolute intensity of that initial week quickly dissolving and suddenly he’s been living this life for months he didn’t notice go by. Again <3 a problem for post draft me <3

I don’t have much to say about this one because in Nano I didn’t even finish it, and now I have but it’s still <3 giving me trouble <3 - however I’ve realised this is probably the most important chapter at this stage of the novel because it’s the first full chapter with just the twins, trying to have a bonding moment and catch up but only learning that they a) love each other b) can’t stand each other whilst not realising just yet that they are c) extremely co-dependent. I like to call this novel multiple plot threads in a trench coat and that’s definitely it, the twins have their own individual plot threads separate to one another, but if there’s a central plot (and there kinda is?? its a surprise :) ) at its essence is them realising how fucked up their relationship is, but wanting to rectify that and trying to understand the difference between a tangled and toxic relationship. 

This chapter introduces that each character has a key symbol that’s attached to the world somehow and Felix has chapters like these in his arc where he tries to navigate the state of their relationship (so there’s one later on titled “Ocean (Beau)”) and his associations with them. We have to laugh here because I was really like “oh Dorothy is sapphic so I’ll make her obsessed with the moon” but then it became a major symbol in the story <3 Dorothy IS obsessed with the moon, and Felix is frustrated because he can’t see it the way she does and he feels like part of him is missing because of that, when it’s just a different perspective but nooo these two need to have unhealthy co-dependency and then get mad when they’re unhealthily co-dependent on each other :/ Anyway I’d just like to talk about how Felix’s need to be like his sister in this chapter is demonstrated through a symbol that’s attached way more to her than it is to him even though in the prose he describes the moon as this fragile, breakable thing which is the complete opposite as how Dorothy would and lets talk about the blade mirroring the prologue!!!!

He closed an eye and pointed the blade at the moon. If he could, it’d be so easy: surgeons precision, swift wrist flick, carved and plucked from the sky. Laid out on his palm like tissue paper, half translucent and as breakable as skin - a birthday present for Dorothy, if he doesn’t tear it. He’ll try not to, but it’d be so easy.

In further development of the Moon Imagery, I’ve started using a lot of Star Imagery with Felix and a lot of general space imagery in both of their POVs and I’m delighted to say I have no idea what the meta means with that but I like it!! It fits the story very well and they’re probably mirroring each other or something!

This little chapter taught me that I need to be flexible with form <3 this was originally meant to be the final scene of the last chapter, and I was so hyped because it was one of the first scenes I conceptualised, but then it ~sucked~. However I didn’t realise until recently that it sucked because I was writing it in a traditional storytelling form - which most of this book benefits from, but this moment certainly does! not! I’m really glad because I think this book is the perfect playground for experimental form - although here it’s relatively simple though, most of the setup for this happens at the end of the previous chapter and then this is just all the information condensed as much as possible. This chapter is focused on memories so it really works for it to be cut off from the previous which is in the fictive present, and Felix’s perception of memories right now are ~a little jarring~

The final scene of Moon (Dotty) depicts Felix and Dorothy breaking into a park at 4am, promptly having an argument that results in Dorothy leaving, and Felix sat next to a fountain picking pennies out of it and trying to associate a memory with the year on the back - this chapter is those memories and this introduces the fluid relationship characters have with their past. For Felix, he’s seeing the last 20+ years from a bird eyes view in a very sporadic way and it’s starting to sink in that those 20+ years actually Happened. Some of the memories are very distanced, others are as intense as flashbacks, and some are a mixture of the two. This one is very interesting to me because he completely separates himself from the memory halfway through Fel do you wanna talk about this (unfortunately I cannot drop the name because of plot <3)

cw: light/implied homophobia

IN GOD WE TRUST / 1978

The first time Felix held a boys hand was in 1978 in the back pew at morning service. It was the first time [redacted]’s father preached and they got stuck in the back because they arrived late, because they laid in the grass together, wearing each other’s identical pecan coloured blazers as sunrise peeled back the night, and they slunk into the back of service like ghosts everyone could see and maybe they knew why they were late. [Redacted]’s father had a razor voice and he made sure every word sliced into his son and his son interlocked fingers with the boy next to him. His son didn’t look at the boy he held hands with the same way he’ll pretend his blazer is his and not the boys and the same way he didn’t look at the boy the first time they kissed behind the chapel building and the same way he didn’t look at the boy during Bible study for the week after.

Whilst I’d say in Chapter 2 the chemistry between Beau and Felix is as clear as day this is the first instance where Felix’s queerness is explicitly introduced and I’m taking this chance to say this book gets more queer every fucking week. Like I think in the last updates I was like ohhh sexuality doesn’t play much into Felix’s arc and know it’s like 99% of his damn arc and we LOVE it. But at this point he doesn’t realise like when I tell you guys this man is so repressed

I am literally only putting this here because I talk about all the other chapters and it’s weird to me to leave one out. Also because the graphic and title is pretty. Not gonna lie I love making these posts and that is 10% to ramble about meta 90% making pretty graphics that is literally just cropping photos on Unsplash and putting Garamond text over them <3

Anyway this was originally Lessons in Holy and when I revisited that chapter I realised it was so fucking messy and I tried to fix it but it didn’t really work and I’ve been scared to touch it since. However the meta is top notch so here we are - it mirrors Chapter One, Everything Holy, which explores Felix’s decision to leave the cult and with that, leave God. Everything Holy / In San Francisco explores his relationship (or lack thereof) with God and how much Felix’s life has changed since he left - and how “holy” it is. It definitely goes back to the idea of the tangible because the holiness preached to him growing up was not something tangible to him, whereas with this he looks at real life experiences, so he tries to find holiness in that. It also ties with Cyan City and the romanticisation of San Francisco as something tangible and something he can find holiness in, which a) he needs to learn that things don’t have to be “holy” to be valuable and b) it would be a shame if :) he centred everything good about his life around SF and then :) something bad were to happen whilst living in SF :) the way he and Dorothy both do this

My plan for this is basically: Condense The Shit Out Of It. The hardest part about this chapter is it is very thematic and you know as a lit major (derogatory) I love that but with more theme centric chapters the line between subtle and Too Much can be verrryyy thin, but I think focusing on character exploration over theme will fix that pretty easily. I’d also like to separate the Isaias introduction into its own chapter because it’s such an important moment and November me just? Latched it on at the end? And that plus Felix’s crisis in the same chapter is just too much. This chapter is gonna get changed A Lot but for now here’s Felix’s very chill and relaxed ending to his POV section :)

cw: drowning, drug mention

Felix didn’t speak to God for three weeks and everything unholy became holy: the coffee scorching his throat, the kaleidoscopic t-shirts and high waisted jeans, the punk rock they play at the record store – loud and electric. It’s unholy, but he sleeps through the night now, he folds coloured card into butterflies at breakfast and scribbles biro eyes over the newspaper's sudoku on his lunch break. He earns money and he spends a pinch of it on himself: on new wave records and playing cards and earrings he can’t wear yet. Sometimes he buys marijuana it’s not a sin because marijuana means he only smokes tobacco twice a day now – one at breakfast, one before bed. He bar hops with Beau on Saturdays and hikes with Dorothy on Sundays and he tells strangers he studies American Literature and he smiles with his eyes more and nobody notices that somebody’s holding his head underwater. And he doesn’t know whose hand it is, but it knows how to grip tight. And he doesn’t know how to swim, but he knows how to swallow water. And he doesn’t know if this is the punishment or the sin because the water stings his eyes but he chooses to keep them open, and the water will tangle in his lungs but he chooses to keep his mouth open. And hellfire can’t touch him under here, so he’ll keep swallowing water and it’ll burn him in a different way, and he’ll like how it scorches his throat.

(Once again context I didn’t share because I don’t like the writing that talks about it: Felix has a deep fear of drowning from past trauma, but he’s also very obsessive about it and often imagines himself drowning.)

(also the way these excerpts are just showing off my love for repetition my Intro to Creative Writing Tutor that called repetition lazy is seething rn!!!!)

Overall though, I’m v happy with how this section came out now that I actually know what the story is! As I’ve finished drafting it, I have noticed where the missing plot beats are and this is what I expected because I Do Not have a lot of experience with novels (I’ve never passed 15k on a novel before so we’re in new territory now) and generally struggle to see beats before I finish a draft. I’m thinking there’s at least one chapter missing and maybe a shorter one, like MSATBOTF, but I won’t be touching this section again until I finish the draft. Most of all I learnt a lot about the story’s form and I’m excited to play with that and be a bit more flexible! 

I’m currently drafting Indigo, the first chapter in Dorothy’s POV, and I was going to talk more about it but this post is too long and the next update will be <3 all about her <3. But the chapter introduces her and Jolie’s tumultuous relationship and here’s a lil peak! 

Me, a sapphic, capable of writing happy sapphic relationships: 

Me instead: 

cw: light/implied homophobia

If she didn’t display the ticket on the bedside table - like she had something to prove - she could have easily been in Dallas, in New York, London, Cannes, Moscow, Tokyo, Cairo, Sydney. But wherever she went, Dorothy and Jolie have had four airport reunions before today - four times they’ve had to soften themselves, disguise themselves. Old high school friend flying in to be her maid of honour, college roommates who don’t see each other as a day past eighteen, pen pals reuniting for the first time since the seventies, business trip colleagues in casualwear. The fifth time, there’s nothing to hide, and as they walk to the car, Dorothy has to wonder: if they were seen by nobody, would Jolie have hugged her with both arms? Would she have kissed her? Would Dorothy kiss back?

I’m midway through this chapter, so I’ll keep the rest of it for the next update! That I promise won’t be in three months!

If you read through all of this then I am in love with you <3 

[dreadnought-dear-captain]

You Asked, I Told

(Note, if this post shows up twice or massively delayed or just looks weird, it’s because it was flagged for adult content [??!] because I had a picture of Willem Dafoe’s face in a gif. I am not even kidding. Do with that information what you will. I’ve removed it and I still don’t know if/when this can be publicly viewed, I’m kind of lolling. So if you see a blocked out photo that looks like porn in your post, I swear it’s just a gif from The Lighthouse!)

Hello, amazing people. This weekend, I’m putting the final touches on my last draft of Baghdad Waltz Chapter 39, which will then go to the beta for one more round of edits. I imagine I will have the chapter posted in 1-3 weeks, which is close to record speed for me, especially since it’s around 30k words. I’m going to be talking about my writing process (at unfortunate length) for one of the asks, for those who are interested. 

Please forgive me. I’m feeling quite verbose and a little squirrely. I blame living alone during lockdown. 

It’s also Memorial Day weekend in the States, which is when we are meant to honor those who gave their lives in military service to this country. This is often confused with Veterans Day (November 11), which is honoring anyone who has served in the military and is no longer serving. This gets further confused with Armed Forces Day (rotating date, May) which is to honor those currently serving in the military. I know, super confusing. 

There’s a wide range of opinions on how Memorial Day should be commemorated, which often involves gathering with friends and family for a barbecue or some other social activity. It’s the first major holiday after a huge holiday drought throughout the late winter and spring, which often makes people look forward to it immensely. Some people feel it’s inappropriate to celebrate Memorial Day with barbecues and fond social gatherings because it’s dishonoring the memories of those who can’t be here, people don’t take time to remember those who have died, people have no idea what the day is actually for, etc. Others, even some very vocal veterans, maintain that people died so that we could be here to celebrate in freedom, so why not relish this life we have? Many offer the caveat that it’s appropriate to at least acknowledge the purpose of the day, even if it’s just in a few minutes of quiet reflection. 

Anyway, I offer this as a little food for thought for this upcoming long weekend. 

(And in case you missed it, I posted a BW Timeline for your reference.) 

Contains spoilers through Chapter 38.

[Takes deep breath]

I’m so glad that you are enjoying the read and that you’re finding it inspiring for your own work. I think my dedication to research for BW is threefold. 1) As this story evolved, I decided that I wanted to create the most realistic depictions of military, civilian, emotional, and physical life that I reasonably could. I will fully admit to lapses in this, deliberate and unintentional, because sometimes the plot just needs to go and I can’t wait around for a year-long medical discharge process for my character. 2) I’m in an academically stringent occupation, and because research is such a prominent part of my work life, it’s bled to my hobby. (IS THIS EVEN A HOBBY ANYMORE?) And 3) I get very easily and passionately obsessed with things and delight in getting “into the weeds” with a subject. Almost every research divergence usually takes me off track for at least an hour. And you will never catch me without an MTA subway map open in at least one tab.

But that wasn’t even your question! Sorry. Are you beginning to get a sense of why BW takes me so long to write?? I cannot keep my shit on track. As for the bibliography, YES! I plan to include that in my author’s note at the end. I wish I had kept better track of all of my works consulted over the past three years, but I will definitely discuss the importance of some of the main ones. I’m so thrilled that you are interested, and I’m excited to share them!

Thank you. This is such a kind thing to say, and I’m humbled and delighted to hear it, especially because our fandom is so blessed with some AMAZING fics. And asks certainly don’t have to be questions! I appreciate them all (except the flaming bag of dog shit ones, which I haven’t had in a while, hooray).

(Re: Chapter 37) Good question! I imagine Claire would want to keep the 1:1 conversation somewhat limited, as she is treating the couple as a patient rather than them as individuals. If anything, she might have somewhat superficially checked in to see if he was okay rather than dive into anything regarding the relationship with Bucky not around. That could be seen as a betrayal of trust to Bucky and could be interpreted as favoritism, which Steve craves and which Bucky is probably terrified about.

I am always pleased when people re-read and enjoy it or get new things out of it, even if it’s sometimes a re-read is a function of my slow-ass writing. I really want a story with good re-read value.

You make an excellent point about Bucky’s relationships. His friendship with Jack also had no real closure. Sometimes this is a factor of circumstance and sometimes it’s because of his avoidance, like a self-fulfilling prophesy almost. He’s learned that people betray you, either by hurting you or dying, so he creates conditions sometimes (often unwittingly) for things to go sour and end poorly, or he will simply make himself disappear so that he’s not hurt and doesn’t have to wait to see if he will be abandoned or betrayed. He’s not a guy who is good with goodbyes.

As for Thor, I totally see how it would read that way. I think Thor started out fishing for longer-term possibilities in a romantic relationship but then realized Bucky is really not a guy who is comfortable settling (which, as we can see, is true). As for why it seems more serious, one thing is that Thor still wanted Bucky in his life as a friend, possibly one with benefits. They have a lot in common, and it’s hard for veterans - and, more specifically, special operators - to find people in their lives they can relate to with these very intense life experiences. I wanted this to be a real relationship, but maybe not necessarily one that was bound to become a RELATIONSHIP. I think Bucky was very intriguing and attractive to him, and he very well may have struggled with his own vacillation between whether to take it seriously or whether to remain friends+. This can lead to mixed messages.

And we also have to remember Bucky’s notoriously unreliable narration, where he will see what he wants to see. Our perspective comes from him. We see the details he zooms in on, miss the one he ignores, view the relationship through the lens of his own contentious desire for a real relationship, even as he consistently demonstrates the lack of capacity and his fear about getting serious. I imagine Bucky has having an extremely poor ability to distinguish friendship from romance, and why wouldn’t he, given the most recent bit of history we have learned about him with Jack? He’s had a series of friendships become sexualized, and I think this affects his capacity to be discerning. Bucky’s radar for relating, whether friendships, romance, or potentially dangerous sexual situations, is terribly mis-calibrated. How confusing for him and for the people in his life. Of course, everyone is free to interpret the dynamics of any relationship however they choose. These are just some of my thoughts.

I really appreciate observations from the re-read! Thank you!

I watched the video and you are right! This is definitely a Bucky song. Bucky’s sense of self is by turns profoundly distorted and lacking in grounding, especially now that he’s not in the military. He’s been in a low key existential crisis since he was a kid and has turned to drinking and sex and war to fill this horrible void, and although I can’t speak for what the artists here intended, I certainly sensed those elements here for sure. (Also, what an interesting choice for a music video…)

Thank you for sharing! I’ll add it to the unofficial BW playlist in the author’s note, which consists of various songs people have associated with BW and shared with me.

Good question! I started off this story picturing the actors who represent the characters in the MCU, because I figured we’d be picturing that when we read the fic anyway (though my beta told me she doesn’t see them as the actors, more like artists’ renderings of the characters, which I find interesting). So when describing their physicality, I tend to refer back to the MCU, since this is technically an MCU AU. But the longer I go with the story, the murkier the resemblance feels to me, especially when I think about Bucky, IDK why. I have also been considering doing something more with BW after I finish it (i.e., converting it into a proper not-bajillion-word novel, sunk cost and whatnot), in which case I would definitely change the characters’ appearance, names, cut MCU Easter eggs, etc. So when I try to think of who these people might be in future iterations of the story, things get even more blurred in my mind when I imagine them.

I wonder how other people see them??

So, with regards to PTSD clinical teams, there is some variation across VAs in the system. Some focus more on military-related trauma, whether it’s war, military sexual trauma, accidents, etc. as a way of concentrating their services and managing supply and demand. From talking with providers in these kinds of systems, sometimes you just NEED a military-related trauma, but you can be treated for, say, a childhood trauma if it’s more pressing. Other VAs are very open in their criteria, and you can see them for pretty much any kind of trauma that qualifies diagnostically for PTSD (or sub-threshold PTSD) without question. That’s why I love the expression “If you’ve been to one VA, you’ve been to one VA.” That said, it kind of doesn’t matter what kind of PTSD clinical team is at the VA in Manhattan, because Bucky has so much military trauma that he would very likely qualify to receive services in any PTSD clinical team. They just might focus on childhood stuff (if Bucky actually let them, which is another matter entirely).

This is a great question! Thanks for asking.

I love a snarky asshole Bucky so much, and I’ve tried to temper this version of him with enough hard-earned genuineness to offset it a little bit. It’s such a tender balance with him, because if you back him too far into a corner, he’s going to let you have it. But if you give him too much space, it’s hard to pin him down and wring something honest from him. He’s definitely learned to use humor and sarcasm to deflect from painful or uncomfortable situations, and it’s a very adaptive short-term strategy that makes him both endearing and infuriating to others.

But ugh, yeah, shit gets so rough around Chapter 28/29. I don’t know how to feel when people have really strong emotional reactions to this story, because one part of me doesn’t want to contribute to the crappy feelings people may already be struggling with — especially in the times of COVID — but I don’t want to be afraid to dive into the hurt these characters are experiencing. That’s why I recommend checking in with oneself before reading to get a sense of how much emotional bandwidth is available to manage the immense problems of two people struggling so much. I also think that for some people it can be cathartic or otherwise not-bad maybe (?), based on the feedback I’ve received. I also really try hard to balance out the painful stuff with growth, even though it can be terribly difficult to locate sometimes.

In comments to folks, and here, I often talk about adjusting the ticks on your measuring stick for progress, where instead of leaps of progress over feet/meters, we may be observing things on an inch/mm scale. This story is my most sincere effort at a “recovery is not linear” narrative, which I think is so much more reflective of real life for a lot of folks than a straight upward trajectory. Humans are such creatures of habit, and the lessons these characters have learned through their lives about themselves, trust, relationships, and how to manage emotions are very deeply ingrained — often through traumatic means. These are the lessons learned the hardest, with the greatest perceived consequences for change, and it takes real courage for us to be able to try new things even once, let alone to establish a reliable pattern of behavior. This can lead to a lot of frustration for us as readers/writer, and I come from a place of this being okay, because we are encountering a parallel process with the characters, who are frustrated with each other and themselves about the same things. I do hope the pain/progress/joy ratios are not horribly out of whack most of the time. That’s another reason I like long chapters, because if this was just blips of sometimes terrible episodes in shorter form, I think it would be very challenging to not lose hope entirely.

But I’m so glad you’re finding the read meaningful, even if it’s sometimes painful and difficult.

(YES.)

And FINALLY -- (this is all soooo long, I’m so sorry.)

Oh, thank you for this question! My spreadsheet ended up getting too difficult to manage, and I actually had a small crisis six months ago about how the fic was going to end, because it just didn’t feel right. I had to scrap it and go back to the drawing board and really ask myself - what would these characters really do? Naturally, as a factor of their psychologies and circumstances, how will they bring this story to an end? Some advice I once heard about a “satisfying” ending is that it’s the place where there’s simply nothing more to say about the characters. There’s no more story to tell. I had to abandon all of my desires  and ideas for a particular ending or concerns about making people sad or happy or excited or disappointed. I know that the only ending that will be satisfying is one that makes sense for these people. Anything contrived or backward-engineer-y wouldn’t feel right to anyone. I do have a couple of specific character arc things I want to happen, so I set those down as touchstones and said, okay, what would happen next? What would Steve do with this? And what would Bucky do with this? And what would they do with the thing the other person did? I take a very psychology and prior-behavior-based approach to plotting, almost all character driven. The rest is just figuring out what is supposed to go where and how to organize it.

I’ve converted everything to a Google Doc and have a very basic outline where I write plotty-plot stuff. I also have a “garbage dump” doc where I write certain lines I want to use or certain details I want to include somewhere. When I get into a new chapter, I’ll check the dump doc as I outline and write to see if I want to pluck anything from there. I have my outline open regularly to add to it. Sometimes I write scenes out of order, dialogue first, but that’s only if I really am excited about a particular scene and cannot contain myself. Otherwise, I write completely chronologically and have no buffer. I post things as soon as I write them.

As for your specific questions, I do have a “process” for getting into my characters’ heads. It helps to know them so very well and to have a firm sense of their idiosyncrasies and patterns of behavior. As you may have noticed, they repeat their patterns all. the. time, as humans do, but I also want to have them change their behaviors a little as things go and they progress. So I may wonder what they could do a little differently, why they would WANT to behave differently, and imagine what they would need to do to change their behavior. Do they need to take breaths? Do they remember the last time some shit went down? I really try to think of the “how” and “why” of every single action - from big blowouts to eye rolls.

So once I’ve figured out what they are going to do, I try to pinpoint the associated emotions I want to highlight. This is a whole separate process, because I have to think also about their internal versus their external emotional states. Steve, for example, will often have a discrepant inside and outside, because one of the truths about his character is that he is a chronic suppressor. There is also the issue of unreliable narration and interpretation of behavior. Steve might do something in a scene, but that doesn’t mean Bucky is going to interpret it the way it was intended. I have to think about their individual filters, which often reflect their internal beliefs about themselves. Bucky is more likely to read Steve’s actions as reflections of how BUCKY feels about HIMSELF (e.g., he’s disgusted by me because I’m disgusting) rather than imagine what Steve is really thinking based on his own experiences and beliefs about Bucky. I also attempt to convey some of the more second and third layer emotions that people have in situations, rather than only highlighting the primary emotion. Sad things don’t always just make people sad. Powerful emotions, for example, might make Steve feel out of control of himself, which could generate secondary emotions for him like frustration because he’s losing control. Part of the process in the construction of the narrative is also scrubbing what I’ve written for POV, because Bucky’s word choices aren’t the same as Steve’s, and in order to try to preserve the “voice” of each character, I often have to change the words I’ve opted to use, as well as the syntax.

So, as you can see, there’s a lot of layering that is happening all the time. As for the dialogue, I have no compunction about saying the lines aloud, “acting” them to see how they sound, to get a sense of what tone I want them to say things in. Now that I think of it, I do a bit of movement-based stuff, thinking about how people sit and stand, figuring how many steps it takes to get from A-Z, what it would look like to lean against something, how it would feel on the body, etc. I try to get the most felt sense of things as I can. If I’m imagining a scene, I try to put myself in the shoes of the characters to the point where I feel the emotions, just so I can know how it reflects in my body and my mind and behavior. I have more than once gotten drunk and drunk-written drunk Bucky then gone to clean it up later, as drunk writing can generate some great content I never would have been able to come up with sober, but the form, grammar, spelling, etc. is often rubbish. I also talk a LOT to my beta about all of this stuff, and I have certain friends and acquaintances in the fandom who are my consultants for various things.

So, I’m somewhat method I guess?? Is that a thing?? I dunno. It’s not hard to do when you live and breathe a story. It’s required a deep level of interest in - quite possibly an obsession with - the characters and their lives. I adore my characters, not in a self-congratulatory way, but because they feel so real to me. So it’s a joy to plan and write -- though I do hate first drafts with a passion.

OH - I also sometimes fast-draft chapters, which I did for 39. That is, write as FAST AS YOU CAN with no regard for how shitty the writing is. I wrote 10k words in a week, which was a finished fast-draft for me, and thus I had a very good felt sense of what was going to happen in the chapter, which felt amazing. It requires intensive outlining before, and nearly every word had to be rewritten, but one of the greatest frustrations of a story for me is having blank space ahead. Re-writing is way more fun than first draft writing. I have fluffed it up twofold with higher quality content, which I did all in less than two months…!! 

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Well, this is surely my most unnecessarily yammering YAIT in history. But I hope it at least conveys my enthusiasm for these wonderful asks! It’s so lovely to hear from all of you, even if I take an eon to get back to you. Hang in there, everyone!

@grimshady @hutchhitched​ @b0n3l3ssm1lk​ 

(And thank you to @bae-buckyaboveeverything​ for the shout out. You made my day<3)

[clevercatchphrase]

2019 year in review

So… The 2010’s are almost over. Huh. What a decade it’s been. Hard to comprehend how much has changed in 10 years. I can barely believe that I was in high school at the beginning of this decade, and now I’m a college graduate with 2 degrees who’s been working at the same job for the last 3 years. But trying to summarize the past 10 years in a single post is a good way to give myself an existential crisis, so let’s not do that! Instead, let’s just focus on 2019 because there has been more than enough shit that’s happened to me in this year to talk about.

PART 1 OF 2: 2019 AND 2020 GOALS AND RESOLUTIONS

Huh, looking back through my archives, I apparently didn’t make a tumblr post about my goals this year. I definitely had some, though. Lemme list ‘em off real quick, and then we’ll go through them point by point.

1)      Pay off all my student loans 2)      Finish some song comics 3)      Make art for my Redbubble account 4)      Finish the first rough draft/script of a game I wanted to make 5)      Practice ASL 6)      Sew some stuffed animals 7)      Finish some fan fictions 8)      Work on Ghost Switch 9)      AMVs 10)   Do some original writing 11)   Make illustrations for my fan fictions

Okay, first off, the student loans. I was actually SO CLOSE to successfully completing this one bUT THEN MY CAR HAD TO BE A WHINEY PISS BABY AND HAVE ITS ALTERNATOR DIE ON ME WHILE I WAS ON THE HIGHWAY AND THEN A BLOW OUT THREE WEEKS LATER.

GOD, if I had to summarize this year in two words, for me it would be “Car troubles”. I swear I spent more on auto repair in the first third of this year than I ever have just freakin’ OWNING a car. All four of my tires had to be replaced, my alternator failed and my car literally just SHUT OFF while I was driving, and I was barely able to coast into a gas station. Both my front breaks and rear breaks were worn down the metal and I only learned this when my car was barely able to stop after I had to slam the petal down full force!  I went in for an oil change, and they found some problems and then I didn’t get my car back for three days! I don’t even like owning a car! I hate driving! I hate my country’s refusal to provide universal, free public transportation! I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS!

Oh-kay… number 2. Finish some song comics. I didn’t finish any. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t work on them. I have made tiny progress, but that’s certainly better than no progress. One of these song comics I hope to be realizes is going to be a collab with one of my friends. It’ll be a long-time coming as it’s pretty low priority for the both of us, but if anyone else out there was disappointed with KH3’s ending, we’re gonna have ya’ covered… With SONG!

3. Make some redbubble art. I actually did this one! Not in the way I expected, but I added (technically) 3 new designs to my redbubble in the middle of the year. If you like butterflies and dragons, I got some product for you~!

Number 4, finish a script for a game I want to make. I… thought about this. I thought about this a lot, but I never put pen to paper, so… oops. It almost happened! I debated making this my main writing project for NaNoWriMo this year, but ended up having more inspiration for another story. Maybe next year? (god, I hope not. I don’t want to wait a full year just to write something)

Number 5, practice ASL. I just straight up didn’t do this and I only have myself to blame. Still keepin’ up that Danish Duolingo streak, though. 4 years going strong and not a day missed yet.

Number 6, sew some stuffed animals. Again, another one I just straight up didn’t do, but I have an excuse of trying to save money while my car crashed and burned in every other sense except literal this year. Hopefully 2020 will be different. I’ll definitely be able to pay off this last loan within the first half of 2020, and then I can start saving for whatever I want to buy.

Finish some fan fictions was number 7, and I did this! Well, I only finished, 1, but it was a story I’ve been working on for over 3 years, and it came out to over 200 THOUSAND words long, which is the longest thing I’ve ever written, and I’m quite proud of myself. Now that the big story is out of the way, and I’ve gotten into a good rhythm of working on Ghost Switch, maybe I can squeeze in some short writing sessions more frequently. (either that, or just wait for my car to break down again and then go on a writing spree in a pepboys. The lord and the fan fic discord know that’s solely why I finished my other fic this year)

Speaking of Ghost Switch, working on it was a goal this year too, and I did that! I kept it up all year and took a vacation in November and it was wonderful. While the major plot points have been in place since before I started drawing, I still need to script each arc beyond Snowdin, but hey, by the time we get there, it’ll be 2022 so I got time. (Note, don’t do this, kids. Script your stories and comics thoroughly before publishing. The road I’m on is paved with misery and pain and it will only end in tears unless I change lanes soon)

Number 9, amvs. Do people make AMVs anymore? Idk… the last one I made was... Jesus, 5 years ago? (it was a gravity falls/fall out boy crossover, if you were curious) I’ve been wanting to do 2 more for just as long, but in order for me to do that, I’d have to spend time re-watching the shows to find the footage, and then actually edit them together, and I just don’t…. feel like it. Maybe someday, but not any day soon.

10; do some original writing. I did this! For nanowrimo! I wrote the first draft of some original fiction I’ve been planning for a year or two now and it completely sucks! But it’s on paper now and I’m happy. Will I revise and edit it? Sure, but not for a while. I want to let it sit and forget about it and look at it with new eyes months from now so I can be sure I can make it better when time comes to rewrite.

11, make illustrations for my fan fics. Now that You Monster is done, I want to go back and add pictures to it. I didn’t do any this year, but I did keep a list of scenes I wanted to draw, so I have plenty of ideas to do as warm up sketches next year~ I kinda want to stream them~

So, that was 11 goals, and I successfully fulfilled 4 of them! That’s! Not a very good ratio… QmQ So, goals for 2020. Some I’m gonna keep from this year, some I’m gonna drop and some I’m gonna add. In short I would like to,

1)      Finish paying off that last student loan 2)      Put more stuff on my redbubble 3)      Illustrate my own fan fics 4)      Sew at least one stuffed animal 5)      Make an enamel pin 6)      Read one new book a month 7)      Write one page a day/Complete at least one new fan fic 8)      Learn Python or C# for the game I want to make 9)      Finish fully scripting Ghost Switch 10)   Boost my patreon

Most of these I think are pretty self-explanitory, but I’ll go into detail just a bit because I’m on a roll and typing my thoughts helps me feel less alone in the middle of the night when you’re super tired and you know you should probably go to sleep, but the toddler in you is throwing a tantrum and doesn’t wanna go to sleep just yet, but you can’t fight the progression of time either way.

Number 1- I should be able to reach this goal by the end of March. End of June at the absolute latest. Once that goal is met, my secret new year’s resolution will be unlocked as well!

Number 2- I want to put more art of my OCs on redbubble. These OCs are tied to the game I want to make. There’s already some art of them up there, but I want at least one piece for each character.

Number 3- Mostly for You Monster. Embrace the cardinal rule of fan fic and apply it to fan art. If you want to read about see art about certain ideas, scenarios, or what-ifs, you gotta make it yourself.

Number 4- I have 3 potential ideas to sew. One is definitely leagues easier than the other two and will probably be chosen if/when I have the time and materials.

Number 5- This year I got really, REALLY into the idea of making enamel pins. Unfortunately it’s a pretty big investment (like, $350 to make 100 pins you  might not even sell). If this happens, it’ll probably be towards the end of the year, and if I get enough interest. I’m currently torn between making an original enamel pin and one based off Undertale. We’ll just have to see where this goes.

Number 6- Back in 2018 when I paid off one of my many student loans, I rewarded myself by spending over 200 dollars in used books. All these books had a theme; they were focused on dragons because I have a problem. I have not yet read a single one of these books I have bought, and I would like to fix that. I have, like, 20 unread dragon books, and even if I only read 12 out of 20, I would consider that an amazing accomplishment and money well spent.

Number 7- I currently have about 8 different WIPs I could work on. (well, I don’t know if I can even call them wips. More like, a general idea and a title written down.) I want to build good writing habits, and if I can write just 200 words a day, hell, even 200 words a week and just one of my 8 stories done, I would consider this goal met.

Number 8- I’m torn between making my game in unity or ren’py. I know jack shit about both. Ren’py is more user friendly, but unity will allow me more customization. (Lol, can you guess what kind of game I want to make yet?)

Number  9- I really just want the full story to be done and written incase anything goes horribly terribly wrong in my life and I find myself unable to continue making ghost switch in comic form. Then at least I can finish the story by other means, you know?

Number 10- It always surprises me every month when I get that patreon email saying I got paid. Sure, I don’t even make double digits on it, but it still awes me enough to know that people out there like my work enough to throw me a tip. I can’t thank my patrons enough for supporting me and I hope to one day be in such a good place I can update my comic/song comics/writing frequently enough without need for goals or milestones. But until that magical day arrives, money is always a great incentive for anything, I suppose. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 ALRIGHT. PART 2 OF 2: SHIT THAT HAPPENED TO ME IN 2019

Cheesus crust what a year. This year started off great! Back in late January Kingdom Hearts 3 FINALLY released, and let me tell you a little story. Back in the summer of 2006 I was a 13 year old middle schooler with no way of making money other than by doing house hold chores at a rate of 25 cents a task. A few weeks ago, I had a sleep over at a friend’s house and they let me play this weird game called “Kingdom Hearts” and god, I was instantly hooked on it. That summer, I did over 800 chores, enough to earn myself 200$ and buy myself a playstation 2 (just in time for the ps3 to come out, gg me) The only games I had for the ps2 were KH1, 2, Re:CoM and Okami, and I beat them all… except Okami. Miffed that the PS3 wouldn’t allow for backwards compatibility, little 13-year-old me made a promise. I looked myself in the mirror and said “I will not buy the next playstation console until KH3 comes out, AND BOY that was probably a good choice for me to make with my level of gaming. I’m even less of a casual gamer than the average casual gamer, but I have been waiting 13 years for this piece of closure, and I even told my friends and family that “the day Kingdom Hearts 3 comes out is the day I will buy a playstation 4”. My dad apparently thought this was the funniest shit, because he literally took the day off from work that Friday to drive me on base to get the game and console (he thought it would be less crowded than a regular walmart, I suppose). I paid $400 on a ps4 pro while he bought me the game. Again, I have an impecible sense of timing seeing as the PS5 is now right on the horrizion, but just like before, I’m not buying a new console until the next KH game is released. See you in 2045, sony~. While I was at the gamestop on base, I also picked up Okami HD and The Last Guardian. For all of February and even early March, I took my time playing through KH3. And…! It was the best disappointment I’ve ever played. After a month away from gaming, I started The Last Guardian and finished it in a couple weeks. I love trico and would die for him, but trying to get 100% completion on that game is udder insanity. Okami, HD, however… again after a month break after finishing TLG, I started replaying Okami. I think I had only managed to get about halfway through the game before I just… stopped playing it on my ps2 version. I am currently SO CLOSE to getting a 100% on the ps4 version. In fact, I’ve beaten the game. I only (techinically) need 2 more trophies to be done; 1st, escape the water dragon without being eaten, 2nd, I need to beat that dumb stupid race with Kai, in order to get the last bead on my rosary, as well as the top dog trophy. I hate her so much. I hate this race so much. It’s awful and bad.

Flash forward to December! Earlier this month I was at Barnes and Noble, buying myself a planner for 2020. I exit the store and notice that there’s a gamestop across the street. For shits and giggles I go inside to look at their game selection, and I find KH 1.5 and 2.5. Now, my PS2 died a few years back (it just won’t read my discs anymore, I don’t know why) and I haven’t been able to replay any of my other kingdom hearts games since. If you had seen me the day I finished kingdom hearts 3, after the ending credits rolled, you would have heard me say “Man…. I wish I could play kingdom hearts 2 again”. AND NOW I CAN, ALONG WITH BBS which I had never even played yet, but knew the story of. I’ve restarted playing kh1, and I was so happy to hear that familiar music when I booted the game up for the first time. While at the game stop, I also picked up Rime and Tearaway, two games that had looked interesting to me. At the time of writing, I’ve finished Rime and am 25% done with tearaway. Rime was…. An interesting experience. I learned about it through Jacksepticeye’s channel a couple years back and thought the art style was enticing. For a super casual gamer like me, I found the puzzles just the right level of challenging and exploring was a blast! The music gave me VERY strong Princes Mononoke vibes, but the overall story left something to be desired. Overall I had fun, and enjoyed completing this game to 100%. Now for tearaway. Can I just say this game is super fucking adorable? I know the original was on the ps vita and the gameplay there was arguably more diverse and imaginative, but this game is just so fucking cute I don’t care?? ALSO, this game’s sound track is ABSOLUTELY incredible and I’ve only heard the first fourth of it! Listen to The Orchards, Pig Riding, and Gibbet Hill Pilgrimage for a taste of their wonderful beats and fantastic use of string and woodwinds! God, I’m so excited to get some more games in 2020. I’m proud to say I currently own more ps4 games than I ever did with my ps2 (and now the majority AREN’T Kingdom Hearts titles!), and I’m still hoping to play Journey, The Witness, and Abzu before everything becomes ps5.

What else happened to me this year. Oh, I went to a doctor for, like, the first time in seven years. I also had my blood drawn for the first time ever, and the nurse said the most disturbing thing to me while she did it. Now, whenever I get shots, I refuse to look. I did that here. So she thought it would be appropriate to say to me “Can you feel your blood leaving your body?” Lady… You can clearly see I am uncomfortable with what is happening here. Why, of all the things you could say, did you choose to say that. Unfortunately, while my doctor is nice, she keeps wanting to run tests on me, that I just cannot afford with my current salary, and my monthly insurance is about to go up to 200$ a month, so I’ve cancelled my next appointment with them, and don’t plan to go back until it’s absolutely necessary. Capitalism is fun, guys. Preventative healthcare is for wusses.

I started going to a chiropractor on a monthly basis. Story time- I don’t know when it started, but sometime late last November I began to notice that I had a headache that just... wasn’t... going away? And each day it was starting to get a little worse. It made it hard for me to find a comfortable position to sleep, it made it hard for me to be in bright areas or move fast. So I said to myself “Okay, if this headache persist through the month of december, then something is proooobably wrong and I should go see someone about it. And hoo-boy were thing wrong with me. By the time this January rolled around, I couldn’t even stay on my feet for more than a few hours without it physically hurting to just BREATHE. So I started going to this chain called The Joint (A+ name, I know). THey aksed me “How are you doing?” I said “I’m in pain” and they said “We can help fix that!”. I’ve only been to a chiropractor once before in my life a few years back after my freshmen year of college because I began to notice my hips weren’t able to support me? LIke, I would lie on my back, and I couldn’t push my hips up when my feet were flat on the floor. I also couldn’t climb anything steep, because my legs just couldn’t push me up if my knee had to bend more than 90 degrees when I lifted my leg up. (Turned out both my hips were apparently out of place). This time only one of my hips were out of place (which they fixed. they said one of my legs was an inch “longer” than the other because I had been leaning all my weight on one leg when I stand). But two of my ribs were apparently “Stuck” which was why it was hurting for me to just breathe, and one of my shoulders was missaligned too, causing one of my trap muscles to constantly be streched, which was pulling on my skull, and causing the headache. Anyway, after they popped all my bones back into place, I still felt terrible, but by god, that night was the first time in weeks I was able to sleep without a migrane. A chiropractor can’t magically heal your arthritis, or fibro, but I definately think they have merit to keeping your posture good and helping your body with things like circulation. 10 outa 10, would recomend. It’s all the fun of getting your neck snapped without the dying!

Earlier this month I got together with two of my friends and we baked Christmas cookies. It was a lot of fun, as well as a great learning experience. A member of my family has a gluten allergy, so we used rice flour for most of the cookies. We learned this is a bad idea! The cookies will just fall apart! A few member’s in one of the friend’s family have nut allergies. Other friend and I knew this and were careful to avoid cookie recipes with nuts, bUT THEN COMPLETELY FORGOT THAT ALMOND MILK AND ALMOND EXTRACT COUNT AS NUT. IN FACT, ALMOND EXTRACT IS PURE CONCENTRATED NUT JUICE AND WE FELT SO BAD FOR ALMOST ACCIDENTALLY POISONING THE FAMILY.

Earlier this year me and these same friends took a field trip to Hobby Lobby and just dicked around the store for a couple of hours. It was super fun, 11 outa 10, would recommend, a great date idea for your artsy S.O.

Back in May I went to a wedding for the first time in my life. (well, not true, but the first one I could remember) we left at 5am, drove 5 hours to get there, hung out at a zoo and spent the night in a la quinta before the wedding day. I slept on the bathroom floor because my mom was snoring too loud in the main room and keeping me awake, and the rest of the day was just spent me trying to keep myself together because I was pissed off and tired.

Other than all of that, nothing really major happened to me this year. I guess one more thing I’ve tried to do this year is started the process of breaking certain internet addictions so I can use my free time for more personal projects. Seriously, I found myself watching way too much youtube and following blogs that didn’t even make me happy. I had a personal intervention with myself where I sat down and asked myself, “why do you watch these videos and youtubers? Why do you follow these blogs? Do you really enjoy their content? Do you really care? If you stopped watching/following them, would you even notice?” After critically thinking it over, I’ve found myself unfollowing several channels and blogs and suddenly I feel so much happier. I thought I would miss it, but I realized I didn’t really care if I saw their content or not. I wasn’t missing much. And now I feel like I have more time to draw, read and write. If you think you spend too much time consuming and not enough time creating, I suggest you try and de-clutter your internet habits as well. It’s done wonders to un-fuck my headspace.

And… well, that about sums up my year. How are your holidays going? Anything fun, exciting, dramatic happen to you this year? I hope your new year is warm and safe! Good night, everybody!

[five-wow]

Author Asks

Rules: answer these questions and tag five other fic writers to do the same.

I was tagged by the wonderful @novemberhush. Thank you, omg, because I love rambling about writing and this is the best kind of opportunity to do so, handed on a silver platter, ahh. 😊

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Author Name: Square / Squares / SquaresAreNotCircles

Fandoms You Write For: I’m a fandom hopper! In the past year or so it’s been Hawaii Five-0 (a truly ridiculous amount), Shadowhunters, Venom, Harry Potter, due South and Stargate Atlantis. Other fandoms I’ve written at least one fic for are Twilight, Doctor Who, Torchwood, Glee, BBC Merlin, BBC Atlantis, Teen Wolf, In The Flesh, Star Wars, Supernatural, the MCU and High School Musical. And uh, Alexander the Great/Voltaire fic (which would be... history fandom? RPF?) and one (1) Judas/Jesus Biblefic. If we’re getting really technical, also a tiny little bit of One Direction fic.

It should be noted that all of this is about fic that ended up getting posted somewhere on the interwebs - there are multiple Star Trek (TOS/AOS and DS9) fics lingering in my drafts (!! one day I will finish one of them), as well as some How To Train Your Dragon, The Good Place and Deadpool stuff, and definitely more I’ve forgotten.

Where You Post: Since I made the switch to writing in English everything has landed on ao3, but I used to write mostly in Dutch, so there’s still close to a million words, I think, under my name on quizlet.nl (not to be confused with quizlet.com, which is a very different website).

Most Popular One-Shot: That depends on how you’re measuring popularity! Going by kudos, it’s Tell me I’m perfect (but tell me the truth), a Magnus/Alec Shadowhunters fic. It’s the truth is a really old fic about Percy Weasley/Oliver Wood from Harry Potter that has the most hits out of all my works, and That time Steve kissed every single Avenger (and also Bucky), an MCU Steve/Bucky fic, has the greatest number of comment threads.

Also, since this is an h50 blog: for my fic in this fandom Wanted: partner (in crime) has the most kudos and hits; You had me at meow has the most comments.

Most Popular Multi-Chapter Story: I’m working on one for h50 (going slowly, so slowly), but I don’t have any posted to ao3. I used to write a lot of multi-chaptered work in my quizlet.nl days, and I think my most popular fic there was probably the second fic I ever wrote, when I was fourteen or fifteen, which was a next-gen Harry Potter fic with shifting and overlapping POVs from the three Potter kids. It was kind of, well, not great, but it’s probably what really cemented my writing habit, it’s still my longest fic ever (over a 100k!) and I got my first fandom friends out of it, including one I’m still in contact with to this day, even though neither of us writes much if anything for Harry Potter anymore.

Favourite Story You Wrote: Ohhh, that’s such an impossible question, especially because I’ve been churning out one-shots like I might actually be getting paid for it, so there’s so much to choose from, which is a thing I have difficulty doing at the best of times, holy shit. Uh, I once wrote a 70k Remus/Sirius (Harry Potter) modern college-ish AU in Dutch that I still like; weirdly, I think that Biblefic holds up (also Dutch), and the HSM fic is fun to reread once in a while because of the fourth wall break, as is That escalated quickly, a Percy/Oliver fic. Ooh, and the fic about Shuri and Stucky and a goat!

For h50, it’s even harder to choose, because my preferences change pretty much weekly (a combination of newer fic being shinier, looking back at fic from even just a few months ago and finding things I would have done differently now, and comments influencing the way I personally look at my own fic), but right now, I’d say I still really like the fic where Steve adopts some guinea pigs, the one with the slightly tipsy team bonding by talking about mutual crushes and this 9.11 coda fix fluff getting together thing.

Story You Were Nervous to Post: That Biblefic, haha, because it’s a very complicated topic and my aim was definitely not to offend. People were really sweet about it, though! Mostly, they were kind of shocked it wasn’t crack, but that’s fair, because so was I.

Also pretty much anything I post in a new fandom, really, and low key just... anything at all. I’m always a little scared I tagged something super badly or accidentally copy-pasted the wrong text or unknowingly wrote something super offensive or whatever, despite my double- and triplechecking of the posting form. (I’m also still kind of scared people on ao3 will randomly decide they hate my fic and my writing and me personally (ao3 is really big and very anonymous and coming from the small town that was quizlet.nl even in its heyday, that’s scary), but that fear has abated as I’ve posted more, just because the data is showing pretty conclusively that thought is as irrational as it sounds. Everyone is always so nice, gosh.)

How Do You Pick Your Titles: Mostly, I steal lines from random songs. I have a small pile of song lyrics to use as potential titles, because going on a seperate hunt for every new fic would take most of my waking hours. Sometimes, I’ll use a pun (like You had me at meow or Retail Therapy) or something else that I think sounds good, especially if the fic is mostly comedy and/or has a specific premise that would do well in a title (like Five times the Governor of Hawaii suspects his taskforce leaders are violating fraternization policies (and one time they tell him they are)).

Do You Outline: I’m mostly writing fic of (sometimes much) less than 5k at the moment, so not really. I do sometimes write tiny bits of a bunch of scenes and then fill in the rest around that, which is a kind of outline, in a way. For longer works, I usually make a one page bullet point list of things that need to happen and work from there, because I can’t do really extensive outlining or I’ll just get caught up in the details and lose all of the oversight a tool like that is supposed to give you, as well as most of my enthusiasm for the project.

How Many Of Your Stories Are Complete: Of the ones posted? On ao3, all of them, because unfinished posted one-shot works would require some strange bending of those concepts. On quizlet.nl, I do have some abandoned works, but I think 80% is finished.

In-Progress: SO MUCH. Seriously, just, so much, oh god. I’d really like to write another Stargate Atlantis fic (and I have 30% of one done), and something more for due South, too, and maybe a small Percy/Oliver thing again some time because they were my very first OTP and I kind of miss them, but mostly I have, like, 100+ half written things for h50. I really wish that number was an exaggeration. There’s no way they’ll all get finished, but maybe... a third? Mayhaps?

That One Truly Long H50 Fic that I was already talking about way back in October last year is also eternally “in progress”. The thing is that it has about 25k now, after a year, and I think it needs... at least four times that. Probably. So either I’ll have to stick with this fandom and my slow progress for another three years to have a shot at getting it finished, or I’ll need to find a way to up the speed a little. Maybe I could try working on it for NaNo this November? That would be pretty awesome, but honestly, part of why it’s moving this slowly is because NaNo-style fast and messy writing for this scares me a little, because I might end up writing a lot, decide it’s not what I wanted for it, and become too intimidated to ever edit and/or rewrite the entire thing. But idk, I probably just need to get over my own fears, because I really do want to write Longer Fic again. Short stuff is fun and feels really productive and that’s great, but I miss the actual slow burn and build-up that only 50k+ words can give you.

Coming Soon: Hopefully a lot? For h50, that is. I have no idea what’s getting posted next, because I’m never entirely sure what’s going to be finished next and something really random might come jumping in, but at the moment I’m trying to direct most of my energies at a slightly longer fic I’ve been working on for months (not The Long Fic, a different one), a fic labeled “9.01 memory loss fic”, another one temporarly entitled “Perfect Kauai beach house vacation”, and maybe an ace!Steve fic I’ve been working on, if I ever manage to uh, actually finish that, instead of rewriting three sentences during every round of editing and never actually adding anything to fill in the gaps it still has. There will also be more season 10 codas, in all likelihood.

Do You Accept Prompts: I’ve never done that before in the traditional way, but I’m thinking about it! I’d love to try (and it would be a breath of fresh air, in some ways!), but the main thing holding me back is that I have way too much on my plate with just my own ideas to work off of, and I don’t want to disappoint people. Maybe if I do drabble-ish prompt fills? It’s definitely been on my mind.

Upcoming Story You’re the Most Excited For: I’m excited for a lot of stuff, but honestly, the top spot right now probably goes to the ace!Steve fic. I’m not even sure it’s that good, necessarily, but it’s, idk, really cathartic, I suppose. Seriously self-indulgent in strange but very good ways. I really like writing it. (Second spot goes to the beach vacation fic, because I haven’t actually written that much for it, but it’s been my go-to easy happy place for the last few weeks.)

-

I’m tagging @love2hulksmash @thekristen999 @stephmcx @girlonastring @flowerfan2 and @pterawaters, which is six people because I can’t count, but I’m about to make it seven because I’m also tagging you, the person reading this (hi there!). Say I tagged you and tag me so I can read it! I know that kind of thing can feel awkward, but it won’t be, because I’m cheering you on. Go for it, if you want to do it. :D

[drawacharge]

emperor’s new clothes

ok so hi. this has been sitting in my drafts for a .... while. and i’m gonna’ post it bc it’s long lmao. i also had an idea for a valentine’s day esque nsfw sequel to this but idk?? btw, just a warning-- this is in steve’s pov and billy’s pov is my comfort zone so if it sucks Sorry 

There’s something about almost dying too many times that makes the rest of the world around you seem minuscule. It makes school even more boring than before, it makes sleeping a distant memory, and pure, genuine laughter harder to come by. There are too many days Steve spends in class, the teacher droning on and on about Darwin and Natural Extinction Theory and all he wants to do is stand up and go, “Do you have any idea what’s out there? We’re in here, studying bullshit, and out there, right now, are things that wanna’ kill us, that know how, that will—“ but he doesn’t, because he signed too many legal wavers to count, because if he does they’d just throw him into a mental facility. So he sits and stays quiet instead, swallowing back all his anxiety and fear of the unknown and known, sleep-deprived eyes staring out the nearest window as if he expects something nasty with claws to walk on by.

Nothing ever does. Jane closed the gate.

Somehow, that’s worse.

Everyone else seems happy with the peace. The kids smile and laugh and ask Steve to take them to the arcade constantly. Nancy has never seemed happier, walking hand in hand with Jonathan. Jane has more freedom that she’s ever had, visiting her friends, learning about the world. Joyce and Hopper get closer every day, enjoying each other’s company, maybe even finding solace in it. Maybe that’s part of it. Maybe the kids use each other to deal with their shit. Maybe Nancy and Jonathan use each other too. They’ve all been through hell, the only difference was after it was all said and done Steve was the only one left completely alone.

He feels dead. He thinks, maybe, he’s felt wrong since the first time he took that bat to the Demogorgon, but this is different. Worse. He doesn’t feel like anything. He doesn’t feel angry, or sad, or even really scared, not anymore. There’s nothing there. And maybe that’s the only thing nowadays that actually scares him: the fact that nothing does.

It’s mid-January when he finally decides to do something about it. When the emptiness gets so bad he almost skips an entire week of school. When Mrs. Leery, his English teacher, calls him over after class and says, “Steve, your grade has been going steadily downhill. Is anything the matter?” with an expression so soft and concerned, that all Steve can manage is a tight smile and a, “Just tired,” before giving some half-assed promise that he’d try harder.

He does try too. He’s been trying since the beginning of fucking November. But he falls asleep when he should be reading Of Mice and Men, and it’s not even that boring of a book.  He knows something has to change, that something in him is broken and he needs to fix it before he’s nothing but some vague shadow of what he used to be.

Steve realizes just how he’s going to do that when he’s getting the mail one day. Billy Hargrove speeds by in his Camaro, probably going twenty over the speed limit, Tommy, Carol, and two other girls hanging out of the Camaro whooping, hollering, and laughing as the wind whips through them. Steve thinks he’s never seen a group of people seem so alive. He remembers when that used to be him driving, him hanging out the window, him laughing. It was a shallow happiness, perhaps, but it was happiness.

And he decides he wants that back

He knows where to start, and it’s not hard. Steve’s known Tommy since before puberty, and he knows that even if Tommy feels sorry for something he’ll never apologize first. Every fight they’ve ever had has led to Steve outside his door, an apology on his lips. Only then does Tommy apologize too and only then do they move the fuck on. Steve hopes that, even after a year of not speaking, that fact hasn’t changed.

He brings beer with him, just in case.

Tommy opens the door on the third knock and scowls when he sees Steve. Then he sees the beer and the scowl shifts, eyebrows raising in interest. “Want something?”

“To apologize,” he holds out the beer immediately, offers a halfhearted smile. “I shouldn’t have jumped down your throat that day. You were—“ in his own way “—you were trying to have my back.” And he really was, Steve knew that. Maybe not in the best way, maybe not in the nicest way, but he was.

There’s a long pause where Tommy just eyes him, like he’s considering, and then he reaches out for the beer and steps aside, wordlessly inviting Steve in. “Yeah, well… I coulda’ handled it better,” he’s grumbling, words half muttered. If Steve wasn’t an expert in Tommy Language he’d have to ask him to repeat himself. “I woulda’ been pissed if you’d said all that shit about Carol too, just—“ he takes a breath, starts walking towards the steps to the basement where they’d always hang out. “—I knew she wasn’t fucking good enough for you man. I knew she’d hurt you.”

And. 

That’s fair too, honestly. Tommy had known what kind of person Steve could be. How sensitive. How trusting. People assume their friendship had been shallow, but it really hadn’t been. Not always. Steve still remembered the way Tommy cried on his shoulder when they were kids and his dog was hit by a car. There was meaning there. Trust. 

They’re down stairs and Steve is cracking open two cans, holding one out when he goes, “Guess I should’ve listened to you,” before downing about half of it in one go. Tommy follows suit and wipes his mouth before glancing over his shoulder and then back at Steve, a grin pulling at his lips.

“How about I kick your ass at air hockey again? That always cheers you up.”

“Pretty sure that cheers you up,” Steve says, and Tommy laughs. “But sure, why not.”

Steve loses, five to two, but he feels like he’s won anyway.

Billy Hargrove quickly becomes his main problem. Of course, Steve knew he would be before he even found himself on Tommy’s doorstep. Billy did not like him, and the feeling was mutual. They had barely talked since the incident at the Byers’ and Steve was happy with that. He could handle the sneers and even the shoving during basketball. Billy had laid off the kids for the most part and that’s all that mattered to him.

Luckily, Tommy has more sway with Billy than Steve originally thought. He assumed their friendship was more symbiotic than anything. Billy claimed the crown that had been abandoned, and Tommy found it easier to follow than not. It was a familiar position for him, after all. But it seemed like a little more than that. When Tommy invites him over to eat with them that Monday, Steve’s actually surprised that Billy allows it. That he frowns, but otherwise ignores Steve, keeping his attention on the rest of the team. He doesn’t look at Steve again for the rest of lunch.

It’s not good enough.

For it to really be right, or this to work, Billy has to like him. Steve isn’t sure how to accomplish that, hell, he isn’t even sure if he wants to, but it’s necessary. 

He starts with buying them all alcohol. He pays for the booze, the weed, offers up his giant, empty house and heated pool. It’s how he woo’d Carol, even Tommy when they were kids ( minus the alcohol and weed ), and most of anyone else at school. He thinks it’ll work on Billy too.

It doesn’t.

Billy drinks his booze, and he smokes his weed, and he swims in his pool. But when it’s all said and done he still sneers at Steve, still ignores him at lunch, still checks him too hard at practice and mocks him in the middle of random conversations.

“He’s a fucking asshole,” Steve grumbles one night, laid out on the couch in Tommy’s basement. His head is in Carol’s lap and she’s playing with his hair. It’s nice. Not something he’s had since Nancy. He missed it.

Also, they’re all really fucking high. He missed that too. Getting high with his friends. 

“I’ve tried to be friendly, even after the bullshit he pulled--” 

Everyone knows that they fought. Or at least, they figured they did since Steve showed up to school that Monday looking like he got hit by a truck, and Billy showed up with a black eye and busted knuckles. It didn’t take long for the student body to put two and two together and guess who won. 

“I don’t think he’s impressed by money,” Tommy says from the floor. He’s leaning back against the couch, head on the cushion, and a joint between his lips. “I mean, he’s poor as shit,” he continues bluntly, “like Byers level poor.” Steve shoots him a look and Tommy holds a hand up in mild surrender. He doesn’t see why Steve is protective of them, especially after Jonathan and Nancy, but he’s gotten better about how he talks about them anyway. 

“Wouldn’t that make him like... want to be around it?” Carol questions. It’s a natural conclusion for three well-off teens to come to, but Steve’s learned enough over his last year of bettering himself to know that’s not always true. He thinks maybe Tommy has a point. 

“You should like. Be real with him.” He leans his head further back until the back of it is leaning against Steve’s knee. “I don’t think he likes bullshit.”

Steve thinks about that night at the Byers’ and how Billy seemed furious that Steve lied about Max being there. He thinks about Nancy going you’re bullshit and wonders if maybe she wasn’t that far off. After all, he spent an entire year pretending everything was okay, and before that he pretended like having absentee parents didn’t bother him. Hell, he still did that sometimes.

“No bullshit,” Steve sighs, and reaches for the joint when Tommy offers it out. “I can do that.” 

Tommy throws a party that next weekend. It’s his and Carol’s anniversary so they celebrate it in the way they know best: by making everyone else celebrate for them. They get booze and pot and set the house up so that all of Tommy’s mom’s breakables are hidden away. Billy arrives thirty minutes before the party dressed to the nines and with a keg. Steve wonders how he can stand wearing an open shirt in fucking January but doesn’t bother asking.

Six hours later the party is headed into the A.M. and Steve’s completely fucking wasted when he beats Billy as beer pong and grins like he won Olympic gold. Billy looks just about ready to kill him, and Steve can tell he’s significantly less drunk than him and wonders why since Billy always seems to get shit-faced at these kinds of things. 

Billy leaves to grab a smoke outside, and Steve-- in all his drunken genius-- decides this is the best time to approach him.

It’s not.

There’s something dangerous in Billy’s eyes when he sizes him up, something that reminds Steve of that night, something wild. He asks what the fuck Billy’s problem with him is anyway, and Billy grins in the kind of way that reminds Steve of a shark. He gets real close, encroaching on Steve’s personal space, and he can’t help but think about Darwin and the Natural Extinction Theory. How man is just stupid enough to kill itself. How, right now, Steve is the perfect fucking example of that.

“My problem with you,” Billy breathes, right in his face, smelling like beer and cigarettes, “is that you’re a little spoiled rich boy who’s used to getting everything he wants.” Steve opens his mouth to argue, to say that if he really got everything he wanted he’d still have Nancy and not nightmares. That he’d have parents who loved him and a father who didn’t think he was a failure. But, Billy continues. “And now, what? You’ve decided you wanna’ be king again, yeah? That it? Make Hill think you give a shit about him--”

“I do.”

“Bullshit,” Billy snarls, flecks of spit hitting Steve in the face, almost making him flinch. “Your girl dumped you for a freak and now you’re desperate for friends and fans again. So, here you are, making nice, buying them whatever they want just so they’ll like you--” 

“Fuck you,” he hisses back, “I’m not. I missed Tommy and Carol--” and he had, in the same weird way they had probably missed him. “--you’re just their baggage I have to deal with.” It’s fucked up. He knows it’s fucked up as soon as he says it, nasty and not what Steve meant to do when he came out here. And it gets him punched in the face.

No surprise there.

He probably deserves it.

Steve reels back, his jaw fucking aching, and Billy prowls in close, grinning wide like a great white, like he had that night. He must not expect Steve to hit back, because the punch actually lands and Billy looks fucking surprised when he rights himself. 

“Is that you’re fucking problem?” Steve demands, filling the space Billy had stumbled back out of. “You think I wanna’ be king again? That I’m gonna’ push you out--”

Billy laughs, “You couldn’t even if you wanted to.” But Steve thinks he’s wrong, and he thinks Billy knows he’s wrong. They were both charismatic, both handsome, but Steve was nicer. He was friendlier, more easy going, and at the end of the day that’s someone everyone would rather follow than someone like Billy. Some angry, aggressive, and volatile. Someone they fear. They both know it, and it’s clear on Billy’s face even when he says the opposite. 

“Newsflash, I don’t care about being king.” And he doesn’t, he actually really doesn’t. He just-- “I just don’t wanna’ be alone, anymore.” And it’s probably the pussiest thing he could have said. I don’t wanna’ be alone, like some kind of fucking girl. He expects Billy to laugh at him, to make fun of him, maybe punch him again, maybe shove him back and go inside to tell everyone what a little bitch Steve Harrington is. 

He does laugh. But it’s after a moment of surprise, and the sound is more dry than it is mean. “You’re a fucking piece of work, Harrington.” Billy sighs, and looks up at the night sky like there’s something up there beside stars before looking back down. “And I’m watching you.”

And with that, the most ominous thing Steve’s ever fucking heard, Billy saunters back inside. 

Only after the door has shut behind him and Steve tastes copper does he realize his nose is bleeding.

That Monday they’re all sitting at the lunch table when Billy asks Tommy if he’s seen the new Rambo yet. He hasn’t, and while Carol wrinkles her nose at all the violence, she admits that Sylvester Stallone is pretty hot, so she’ll tag along if they go to see it. Steve doesn’t comment, figuring if Billy’s inviting people then he’s not going. He’s thinking about taking the kids when Billy looks at him and goes, “You gonna’ come?” And Steve’s so fucking surprised it takes him a second to find himself and go, “Yeah, sure.”

That Thursday Billy eats his lunch like a man starving. Without thinking, Steve offers up his meatloaf and Billy stares at him like he’s crazy but takes it anyway. In response, Billy offers up his applesauce and he accepts it, feeling not like he’s won, but that he might be close. 

“I think he doesn’t eat at home sometimes,” Tommy says while Steve’s BMW is idling in the McDonald’s drive-thru. They’d been talking about Billy’s massive appetite, and how it even puts theirs to shame. “He eats my entire pantry every time he comes over.”

Steve frowns and thinks about it before he’s leaning back out the window and ordering two more burgers, fries, and nuggets. Tommy doesn’t comment on it, but he shoots Steve a look when they get back and Billy goes, “What’s with the extra food?” and Steve shrugs and replies, “Must of got the order wrong.”

A week later he’s driving Dustin home from school and figures something is wrong because the kid isn’t jabbering like normal. He almost looks like he’s pouting, eyes out the window. Finally, Steve can stand it anymore, “What’s up, man?” He never thought he’d be bothered by Dustin being quiet, but he is. 

With his arms crossed over his chest, Dustin purses his lips like he doesn’t want to say, but when Steve prods him he finally blurts, “Are you going to turn back into a douchebag?” And Steve’s, well, Steve’s caught a bit off guard because he definitely hadn’t expected that, figuring maybe it had to do with Max. 

“You used to think I was a douchebag?”

Leveling him with a look that says seriously? Dustin goes, “Uh, I didn’t think you were one, you were . Before Nancy you were all look at me I’m so cool, and you hung out with Tommy Hill, and now you are again and with Billy Hargrove of all people, and--” 

“Whoa man,” Steve breathes with a little laugh, “Cool your jets, okay? I’m not--”

“He kicked your ass!”

“I know.”

“And threatened Lucas!”

“I know!”

“Then what are you doing?” Dustin demands, fixing him with an incredulous look. “Did he knock something loose when he punched you? ‘Cause, like, he’s not a cool dude, and you-- if you hang out with him you might--” 

“Dustin,” he sighs, pulling up to the others’ house. Steve puts the BMW in park but doesn’t unlock the doors just yet. “I’m not... look, you’re right. I was probably a total douchebag.” Especially to a kid. “But I’m not going to just... change back, okay? I just... need people that aren’t kids or my ex to hang out with.”

“But we’re cool kids.”

He laughs a little, and it’s more fond than mean. “You are,” and okay, Dustin and the rest of the party are total dorks, but they’re cool dorks, and while Steve would never tell anyone that except Dustin, it’s still true. “But it’s not the same.”

And he thinks Dustin must agree on some level, because instead of immediately arguing he just pouts, taking a breath and blowing out his cheeks while he thinks. Then he finally he goes, “Fine,” before adding, “But if you start turning into a douchebag again I’m like totally gonna’ hit you or six El on you. Or something.”

Again, Steve laughs, “Man, if I start acting like that again I encourage you to hit me and/or six El on me, okay?” Dustin nods, seemingly okay with that deal, but just in case--

“Hey-- how about I take you and the other brats to the mall on Saturday?”

Dustin immediately brightens at that, “The one outta’ town?”

“Yup. You guys just have to ask your parents if it’s okay.”

“Totally! I’ll let the guys know! Hopefully Hopper will let El go too. Thanks Steve,” and then he’s hopping out the car and heading for his house with a quick wave as a good-bye. Steve waits until he’s safely in before driving on home.

The very next day Dustin tells him that Max’s mom said she can’t go unless Billy comes to look after her. “It’s stupid,” he huffs, “She’s safer with you than she’d ever be with Billy,” and even though Steve doesn’t disagree with that point he’s heard enough about Max’s parents to know there’s no arguing with them.

“Okay. Billy will come then.” And Dustin looks so fucking betrayed that he can’t help but laugh. “What? You want Max to come, don’t you?” 

A pause then, “Fine. But you gotta’ like. Keep his ass in line, got it?”

“Yeah, yeah, shithead, I got it.”

Convincing Billy to go with him and six kids out of town won’t be easy, though.

He figures the next party coming up will be the best time. It’s right before Saturday, and Steve hadn’t planned on going for the sake of his pride, but a drunk Billy is a Billy more likely to accept Steve’s proposal. He was always nicer drunk. Okay, no he wasn’t, but... he may be more agreeable. If he’s drunk enough.

And friendly enough.

“A Valentine’s Day party?” Billy asks, nose wrinkling at the flier Steve had just stuck in his hands. 

“Singles party,” Steve corrects, and Billy somehow looks more disgusted.

“Those are a thing?”

“Well,” Shoving his hands into the pockets of his jacket, Steve shrugs. “Last one Lisa threw was like? When we were fifteen? Then she got into a relationship with Jimmy P, but they broke up in December, so--”

“So she’s throwing a singles party.Yeah, no thanks.” Billy pushes the flier towards Steve’s chest. “Sounds pathetic. I’d rather get wasted at the quarry.”

“That’s pathetic too.” He points out, “And at Lisa’s the booze and food will be free. Plus it’s mostly an excuse to get wasted, make out with people, then never talk about it come Monday morning.” That wasn’t a lie. Steve had probably kissed a countless number of girls the last time the party was thrown. Hell, he was pretty sure he kissed Tommy too, but that was three years ago and Steve decided he was too drunk to remember it. 

Billy barks a laugh and Steve thinks maybe he’s convinced him, “God, that’s fucking ridiculous. Why do you want me to go so bad?”

“Because, I want to go.” Okay, he actually doesn’t. It is pathetic. “But Tommy and Carol can’t go, and you’re single so--” he shrugs again, reaches out to nudge the paper against Billy’s hands. His knuckles are cut up again. It’s the second time that month and Steve wonders who’s the unlucky soul that's been on the other end.  “Okay. What do I get if I do?” 

“Pot?”

“I got pot, and Cali pot is better than Indiana pot.” Fair. 

In all honesty, Steve had no idea what to give him. He can’t think of anything so he settles for, “I’ll owe you one,” and a smile that promises just about anything Billy could want. It’s a good deal, so good that Steve’s almost nervous about making it. What kind of favor would Hargrove ask of him one day?

Billy, of course, brightens at the suggestion. “You’ll owe me one,” he repeats. “Alright, pretty boy, you got yourself a deal.”

[myheartbeatskids]

7,700,000,000,000,000

7.7 Zillion people in the world

I have met with T.V. executives, literature experts, political allies, every country in the world.

Before I forgot all of it, I,designed an educational program for my mom at Preston High School which was passed all over the state to teach to incoming freshmen, and elementary grades 2-4

Those were the worst... In 1999 they had to teach it to the entire school 2x.

Preston stopped in 2011 because death threats against me that went to the school. Bitches didn't know we got the whole state already.

I taught all the Abu, Mother Teresa.

They took my dad. Then my whole family.

I had nothing but the rest of the world.

All of you.

Who did you have? Like me I knew you all had no one.

So I had to be someone. Just like I saw in all those that helped me.

My information saved 19,000,000,000,000 people 3 years ago.

Not really me.

My information helped an infinite number of people to learn to help an infinite number of people that has been calculated to be 19Trillion.

But you wanna know a secret?

Nineteen Trillion people walked through those church doors in order to save themselves.

I wouldn't even walk them to that door. I would hide and peek only my eyes usually in sunglasses so they thought I was looking I the street and not at them looking back at me for what they thought was the last time.

They had to. I had to see them on 2 limbs or a skateboard or whatever leave my safety and walk into the unknown to save themselves.

19 TRILLION people. Saved themselves.

I know because I didn't hold their hands and drag them any where.

They walked with their heads held high with the past behind them and the future surrounding them.

I designed the missle and satellite to purposely fail. I could not betray 19 Trillion people.

I didn't want it to. Boy i wish this house I am in was done already!!!

But i knew it was the right thing to do.

I did however help create Saints. Armed with my knowledge 18 Million people just in the United States of America alone deserve coronation into Sainthood. I think that is amazing. Worldwide 1,800,457,956 people deserve sainthood since 1985-1995

So someone needs to call the fucking church cause I actually have a list. With their correct phone numbers

And i expect that shit to get done immediately.

And since 2017 I have saved an additional 3,000,0000,000 with the Abu until November 2019.

Which then added during WWIII a savior of 3 zillion once all the bunkers are empty.

But wait! There's more! These beautiful saved themselves and didn't say anything, no DNA tests. No nothing. Just went home or went into another,bunker,to,get their friends,and families,as,I,taught them to.

In all, 74,596,512,245 deserve sainthood. Not inckuding me.

I have a list. 5,000 pages long in 6pt type.

Not many in Valencia County -- but a lot!

I moved here without any memories or power for a period of 20 years. It has been 20 now exactly on this day.

And every single day I was treated human and didn't hate it.

How did you feel when I treated you human?

Did it make you want to stay on Planet Earth?

Now i can finally have my Earth family back and my dinosaurs cause fuck y'all I'm getting and keeping mine. Stay the fuck out my fort and we will fer along alright. I don't say shit about your cows running all over the mesa and in the road and They have horns too!! Mine don't. They don't need them.

Lets pause for the votes.

99% votes on the Flintstones post.

90% cool on video of Tiny. That's his name.

Insane amounts of positivity on the news article.

Looks like we're gonna have to rename this planet Saint Earth.

We have the fort for a controlled release. Unlike humans.

New forest in current desert will be where they pop up. And they are owned and will be tagged and chipped and will follow their own instinct home.

Talk to them like hey and hi.

They won't use the sidewalk. Tiny runs 70 mph.

Just be like dude a Fucking car because they do Fuck.

That will be on the night of my wedding.

Our personal dino friends will return before. And we will introduce via video on social media

On second thought... Tiny was terrified of the Chinnook and nearly had a heart attack

Dino,were machines and so they don't know what one is -- most anyway

Since we are downsizing them we will do neighborhood release

So the eve of my wedding world wide they will be released.

No traffic. World locked down. Out side waiting.

Or,maybe in hoise Idk

But they are potty trained!!!

Matt is reading my notes which was never a final draft so that why,its all Uhhh..

So what i think is

After they are released then we lock it down. No work or shopping or school. So they can be acclimated

They were already gentle I'm,not fucking with them.,just changing their size.

You'll have a toilet their specific size in the house. And plant life greenhouse or garden

They eat like dogs. Anything.

Remember mermaids. Half human. Half dinosaurs. They are only our legs. They think on their own and feel emotions on their own. Hug on their own. Speak, hear, sense.

[queer-k-aesthetics]

Get To Know Me Tag

Rules: answer the 20 questions in a new post and tag 20 blogs you would like to get to know better.

I was tagged by @hahahakpop! ( and then had this just sitting in my drafts oops)

Nickname: Levi I guess if that counts as a nickname

Gender: Rad Trans Dad

Starsign: Arieeesss

Height: 166cm/5′5 ish

Time right now: 7:12pm (EST)

Last thing I googled: kimi no na wa, I saw a post about it and wanted to know what it’s about

Favourite bands: (unsurprisingly all kpop) bts, got7, monsta x, seventeen, sf9, madtown, victon, etc.

Favourite solo artists: jay park (honestly all of aomg), nicki minaj, zitao, luhan, kris wu, amber

Song stuck in your head: Russian Roulette - Red Velvet (I’m not even that much of a red velvet fan...)

Last movie I watched: Uhhhhhhhhhhh I haven’t watched any movies in a while but I rewatched The Way He Looks not too long ago

Last TV show I watched: The Walking Dead

When did you create your blog: This one was made November 2016 but I’ve been on tumblr since 2011 or so?

What kind of stuff do you post: Here is lgbt+ kpop stuff, and lgbt+ positivity in general, there’s more extra junk on my personal than on here tbh

When did your blog reach its peak: idk if it has yet? I haven’t posted a lot of original content yet tbh, my mlm yoongi moodboard has been fairly successful tho

Do you have any other blogs: yeee, i’m an organization junky so I have my personal blog, this one, and 4 other sideblogs for dif reasons

Do you get asks regularly: not regularly, no

Why you chose your URL: well I wanted to make lgbt+ related kpop moodboards/aesthetics and I came up with queer-k-aesthetics after trying some different things that were taken

Following: 572 (hlp meh)

Posts: 88 (I need to get better at this ._.”)

Hogwarts house: I’ve been Gryffindor like most of my life but a while back I redid the Pottermore test and am a Slytherin now

Pokemon Team: (Ive never played pokemon go because my phone is too old to download the app so) Instinct

Favourite colours: I like grey (and white+black), pale pink/blush, and gold the most

Average hours of sleep: usually 3-10 I guess, it varies

Lucky numbers: 8, 88, 888, ...

Favourite characters: michonne from the walking dead is so fucking cool i love her

What are you wearing right now: black VA beach hoodie, red basketball shorts, white baseball cap that says “YOUTH”

How many blankets do you sleep with: I like 1 big comforter/blanket

Dream job: Dancer/choreographer/performer/whatev (also I’ve considered youtube or smth)

Dream trip: Definitely South Korea, I’d love to just travel all around Korea, mainly Seoul and Busan tho. It’d also be cool if I could take my dad so he can visit where he came from!

I tag (only if y’all want!): @asexualidols, @eatboo, @bisexual-idols, @kpoppocmoodboards, @haechansbitch, @sf9-babies, @mlm-moodboard, @youngjaes-husband, @pcysbf, @softmlm, @bttmsuga, @squishystims​, @prettymlm, @svtjuns, @crushs, @softsnuper, @hanbit, @sf9memes, @sxungcheol, @queer-kpop-imagines, @lifeanddeathsscenarios

I’m really bad at tagging people on these types of things omg

[fmdjaewonarchive]

►i just wanna feel something.

dates: october/november 2018 mentions of: n/a word count: 2.6k  warnings: depressive thoughts, mentions of death, insomnia, weight loss, self-hatred, implied suicidal thoughts tw (vague-ish?? idk tbh??) and probably a bunch more, i don’t quite know what to tag this exactly but if you’re sensitive to these topics i suggest passing this up, it’s just really not worth it details: jaewon isn’t doing well mentally and i needed 2.6k to put that into words (and still failed tbh). this is my 6th draft on this and it’s still hardly readable so just imagine how bad the other 5 are but i just want to have this out of my system already. also i didn’t proofread this mainly because if i do odds are i’ll just throw the whole thing away so ignore any errors (and just ignore this post as a whole tbh you’re probably better off that way)

“you look moody lately.”

unity’s manager tells him on the car ride back from some variety show appearance and of course, jaewon laughs the comment off with a sharp, cynical burst of laughter, scoffing as he reminds the man that he always looks moody.

his amusement is short lived though, laughter dying out on instant as his manager points out that this is different, that he looks different. the man mutters something about the look in his eyes being more hollow these days, his smiles obviously less sincere than usual and jaewon doesn’t like the insinuation a single bit.

because you see, different never means just different, jaewon knows that. different was what people had started to describe him as after his parents passed and his behavioral issues had first reared their ugly head, what teachers had used when they discussed the once so friendly and sociable boy that now only switched between two emotions: apathy and anger. different is nothing more but a synonym for worse.

he’s doing worse than usual.

the accusation shakes something deep inside of him, making his bones rattle and his fingers tremble to the point he’s forced to ball his hands into fists in the pockets of his hoodie to hide the tremor. he channels all his energy into forcing a smile on his face, he has to bite the inside of his cheek raw to do so and even then it’s still a challenge to keep the smile present long enough to make it seem convincing. he ignores the ache of his facial muscles from the forced expression, ignores the fact that his throat feels tight his chest hurts.

after keeping the nice act up for just long enough to make it believable he excuses himself from the conversation by claiming to be tired, the schedules getting the best of him (“that must be why i look so out of it lately” he claims) and pushes his earphones in perhaps a tad too hastily for it not to look like some sort of flight response.

jaewon doesn’t actually fall asleep, of course, he doesn’t, sleep hasn’t come easily to him for weeks by now but he pretends to be for the rest of the way home.

and instead of actually catching up on the rest he’s been missing he spends it continuously reminding himself that he’s fine.

really, he’s fine.

and if he isn’t, he just needs people to think he is.

“doesn’t dimensions feed you? you look so skinny these days.”

his grandmother slips the comment into the conversation so casually jaewon almost glosses over it at first but when it registers in his mind he chokes on his jasmine tea, coughing violently, eyes red and teary as he takes a moment to regain himself, his grandmother continuing to sip her own cup of tea like she had hardly said anything unusual.

the thing with jaewon’s weight is, and he knows this all too well, is that it is a fickle thing. he is naturally skinny, had always been ever since he was a child and it had only gotten more obvious after his growth spurt in his teens, gaining so much in height but hardly anything in width. the other thing he knows is that while gaining weight is a whole task and a half (much to the joy of dimensions entertainment) he never had the same issue with losing weight not due to scary, unhealthy dietary restrictions but because of an entirely different factor: stress.

whenever stress weights down on jaewon slightly more than usual, the first way it shows is  through his appearance, losing weight rapidly to the point where usually, the public begins to take notice and points out the drop in his weight, only for all those rumors to be snowed over the second times get less hectic and jaewon slowly eases back into his usual weight.

it’s something people close to him know, that there is no need to fuss over his weight, that it has nothing to do with his health which is why jaewon is so taken aback when his grandmother mentions it. by now, he knows to not underestimate the older woman, that she’s usually onto things long before he himself is, it’s been that way all his life: when it came to raising him after his parents died, when it came to signing him up for his dimensions audition, even when he came out to her and told her about his relationship with samsoo, it was obvious that she had already known long before he himself had.

so when she carries on about how sunken his cheeks look and how bony his shoulders have gotten, he knows it’s no notion to his health or an urgency to eat more. no, it’s her subtle way of telling jaewon she can tell he’s not doing well, that’s he’s not feeling well on a mental level rather than a physical one. more importantly, it’s a way of telling him that he can’t respond to defensively or brush aside like unfounded concern because she’s not straight up accusing him of anything, she’s not explicitly stating her worries because she knows that he knows exactly what it is she’s implying.

she’s telling him she knows and there is nothing he can bring in against it.

and jaewon hates it, hates knowing that his grandmother sees right through him, that yet again she has to worry about him. hadn’t the poor woman done enough worrying throughout raising him?  

jaewon knows he owes her so much, he can probably never begin to thank her for everything she’s done for him. he doesn’t even want to begin to think about how he would have ended up had she not been so patient with him, had she not known how to handle him so well.

he wants to be able to pay her back for all the sacrifices she’s made, to prove that it wasn’t all a waste of time and effort, that he wasn’t a waste of time and effort.

but in all honesty, jaewon doesn’t quite believe he’s not. he doubts he’ll ever be anything more than this miserable person filled with nothing but anger and resentment. he’s terrified that he’s bound to disappoint everyone who so desperately wants to believe he could ever be anything close to a good person.

and it makes him wonder how anyone ever stumbled onto that misguided belief at all.

so as he lets his grandmother smoothly guide the conversation back into lighter territory (“how have the unity boys been? it’s been so long since i last saw all of them, you should bring them over for dinner soon”), he weakly smiles at her over the rim of his cup, the smile not quite reaching his eyes and mentally, he apologizes for all the love he received from her that he will never quite deserve.

if only he knew a way to give it all back to her.

“these bags under your eyes are getting harder to hide by the day, do you even sleep anymore?”

the make-up noona scolds him sharply as she tries to fix his make-up ahead of some music show performance. normally, jaewon would probably have laughed at the comment, made some comment about for once it wasn’t a mark on his neck she was struggling to cover up but for once the amusement stayed out, only muttering a quick apology as she continued to layer concealers and powders and whatnot on him to make him look just a little less tired.

a little less unstable.

as of lately, sleep has begun to escape him again. while the nights technically only got longer, his only seem to get shorter. he wonders if it’s a seasonal thing, that for some forsaken reason whenever winter slowly creeps closer his sleep schedule seems to rapidly deteriorate, that he finds himself outside at 3 am more often when it’s cold enough for him to feel the chill all the way in his bones even hidden in a thick coat and scarf.

because it’s not the first time, losing sleep, counting the hours he should have spent asleep yet finding himself wide awake was not anything new to jaewon. but he had been doing better for a while, had gotten himself together more over the course of the summer, even with their hectic back to back comebacks he had managed to get all the sleep he could get.

but suddenly he isn’t anymore and he doesn’t even know why, that was the most frustrating part of it all. how was he going to fix something that he didn’t know what was wrong with to begin with?

it isn’t even that he isn’t tired, he’s absolutely exhausted, sitting here right now, laying in bed at night, at any given time he just feels tired to the point that he wonders what feeling wide awake felt like again, a vague distant memory he can’t quite grasp or recall.

but it’s not enough, it’s not enough to let him fall asleep until hours and hours later than planned after a lot of tossing and turning (or well, minimal tossing and turning before getting up not to disturb his boyfriend with his fussing) and it’s so frustrating. what he does need is for his mind to stop racing, for it all to come to a halt for just a moment so he can find some sort of tranquility but it doesn’t because there are constantly so many things that demand his attention about, that he has to worry and overthink or that he just feels like he should worry and overthink about and he’s so tired of how it never seems to stop.

he’s so tired of being tired.

“jeez why are you such an asshole lately.”

one of the members mutters under their breath during another late night practice and it causes jaewon to tense in his spot. he doesn’t even catch who it is that says it, doesn’t stop to rationalise that the comment is probably heavily reliant on the fact that they must be tired and annoyed,  it’s so late already and has only gotten later because jaewon insisted no one was leaving until they got a specific move down to perfection and maybe, they’ve been practicing later than usual because jaewon’s internal exhaustion clock of when it’s been enough doesn’t work anymore since his sleep schedules has decided to fuck him over.

no instead there is only a voice in the back of his mind reminding him that if one of the boys said it they’re probably all thinking it before going on to remind himself they’re not wrong for thinking it, that they’d be right to despise and resent him.

he calls for a short break, just a few minutes and promises that after that they’ll only go over the choreography a few more times and as he watches the members all slump down and reach for a bottle of water or a towel, he can’t help but think he was never made for this.

he was never made to be a leader.

it’s not the first time he finds his mind wandering to these thoughts. ever since unity had been formed, jaewon had doubted dimensions’ decision to make him the leader and it was an insecurity that has never faded throughout the years. if anything, it has only gotten worse. because now, two and a half years into unity’s career, he has so much proof, so many memories of times he has failed the group.

he may be good at telling them what to do, at keeping them in line and at following the companies every demand, push them through late night practice and drag them out of bed early in mornings to be on time for schedules, at telling them to grit their teeth and bite their tongue when they have to do things they’re not entirely behind, that jaewon isn’t entirely behind himself either.

but beyond that, what good does he really do?

there is no warmth to him, no compassion or encouragement or understanding or literally any of the traits a good leader is supposed to have. he’s this block of ice, he’s refusing to let them in or to open up to them, he’s incapable of relating and handling their emotions in a proper way, hell he can’t even handle his own.

he does more harm than good, he’s always done more harm than good.

the thoughts make it impossible to not feel like he’s too much in his own practice room, within his own group. it’s impossible to not feel like too much when he was literally taking up space he shouldn’t take up.

it is impossible not to feel like too much when he knows every person in the group would be better off without him.

one of the boys call his name and jaewon needs a moment to focus back on reality. it takes a few questioning looks thrown his way before he realizes they’re in fact still in practice, that they’re probably waiting for him to continue where they had left off.

as he pushes himself up from the floor, swallowing the bile resting in his throat, he tells himself it’s okay if they hate him, he hates himself too.

“you look miserable”

this time it’s not someone else pointing out what jaewon already long since knew, this time it’s his own mind reminding him of the fact.

and his mind is right because as he stares at his own reflection in the bathroom mirror, he can’t help but agree.

it’s the look in his eyes like his manager said, it’s the way his face looks more sunken than it usually does like his grandmother said, it’s the bags under his eyes like the make-up noona pointed out and he even can’t help but agree that with the seemingly permanent frown and his lips drawn together in a thin line, he kind of looks like an asshole like one of the boys pointed out during practice.

everything about him screams that he’s feeling like absolutely terrible and it’s not that that’s a groundbreaking revelation because he’s been aware of it for weeks now but it’s still a problem because it shouldn’t be so obvious, people shouldn’t be able to tell.

yes he can barely stand the sight of himself because he can barely stand himself as a person. yes, he’s losing sleep and weight because he’s too caught up in his own mind and the constant intrusive thoughts that fuel his self-hatred.

but none of that is supposed to be anyone else’s problem.

the truth is, jaewon doesn’t want to make it anyone else’s problem because it will just be the next thing on a long, long list that makes him more bothersome than anything else.

he’s not supposed to be a lot of things but he’s at least supposed to have his shit together, to be on top of things and to be able to stand on his own feet.

if he’s none of those things? what does that make him but a complete bother?

and the last thing jaewon wants is the be even more of a inconvenience than he already is.

so yes, he’s miserable, completely and utterly miserable but there is little concern on his mind about fixing that, he just wants to know how to cover it up.

because if it’s not anyone else’s problem, it’s not a problem at all.