#this is essek's worst nightmare

[critter-rarepair-reccs]

Hello and happy Friday to you all! Midway through May now and this week we have mighty list for you all; twenty-one fics that feature a variety of different and unique AUs! As always, you can find them below the cut and if you check any of them out, I encourage you to leave kudoes and comments to spread the rarepair love 💕

The Changeling by maybetwice (5,899 words, Teen) Pairing: Queerplatonic Fearne Calloway/Orym Warnings: None

Orym is given to the feywild as a child, and grows up as a changeling in the service of Morrigan, companion to Fearne. Its so funnn, the speculative feywild and its politics (pre canon-Morri), Orym's desparate grip on his identity, and how things change and shift, Fearne trying to help but not quite understanding

Reccer Says: The characterization *chefs kiss, the world building, its very fun. Atmospheric, fairy tail esque? The sworn oaths and loyalty *chefs kiss chefs kiss, you love to see it every time. And! It's part of a series!!! So there's more >:D

your touch's so sweet (throw me in the water) by quinn_of_aebradore (1,872 words, Teen) Pairing: Fjord/Caleb Widogast (Widofjord)

Evil AU polyam, Bren visits Fjord for the night and they discuss things (and also have a fun night)

Reccer Says: Sexy evil au brain go brrrrrrrr

steady lodged between beast and god by Junkyard_Rose (6,737 words, Mature) Pairing: Lucien Tavelle/Essek Thelyss (Luciessek) Warnings: Suicidal ideation (first half)

After cognouza, Lucien is the one who comes back. The M9 leave him with Essek, who convinces Lucien to (take a second chance) work as his bodyguard. They sort of start to figure things out

Reccer Says: Its kind of a little Lucien's worst nightmare, but also a soft third(?) beginning? Essek trying to be the mirror that Caleb was, and extending the hand, and Lucien is taking it, extremely brrrrrrrr

Shame on a martyr claiming friends by thought (1,641 words, Teen) Pairing: Dorian Storm/Verin Thelyss Warnings: None

Crack played straight, arranged marriage between two second sons who have older, overshadowing brothers, and a desire to carve out a place outside their family's expectations (heheh)

Reccer Says: Its just fun! And honestly, yeah? Yeah! They have a lot of common ground on siblings and their desires to prove themselves to their family's legacies. Also sharing the wish to sidle out of a very awkward room lol

first bloom by flappingduster (3,484 words, Teen) Pairing: Queerplatonic Beauregard Lionett/Essek Thelyss Warnings: None

Essek and Beau are together (romantic) but then they figure things out at separate, but are still close friends (qpr). Essek has complicated feelings when Beau asks for dating advice for a girl she's met

Reccer Says: Complicated Relationship and Feelings brrr

a home where my heart is by DesertLily (1,252 words, Teen) Pairing: Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett (Beaujes) Warnings: None

Jester sends Beau a text asking her out. Beau over analyzes it and goes to Fjord for advice.

Reccer Says: Very cute!!! Beau is a disaster and I love her.

this is a promise (with a catch) by Anonymous (42,357 words, Explicit) Pairing: Orym/Dorian Storm/Will (Dorymwill) Warnings: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics

Orym and Will are together in an alpha/alpha relationship. It’s perfect, except that Orym’s ruts are difficult and he can’t stand to be around Will during them. And then, set up by Fearne, Orym mets Dorian, an omega in need of a heat partner, and things spiral out from there.

Reccer Says: The sex is hot, the relationships are so wonderful and sweet, the world feels so real around them, and the twist at the end is incredible.

burn, scourger, burn by Anonymous (1,362 words, Teen) Pairing: Mollymauk Tealeaf/Essek Thelyss (Shadowmauk) Warnings: None

Witcher AU, Essek is Yennefer, Molly is Jaskier, and they both have been cast aside by Caleb as Geralt. Allied with Astrid and Wulf, Essek seeks out allies and finds himself watching one of Molly’s performances.

Reccer Says: It’s such a brilliant AU in so few words, the history built perfectly in that small space. The emotion, the layers of it, are so delicious.

warm, unalone (come settle down) by Meridas (20,811 words, Teen) Pairing: Queerplatonic Mollymauk Tealeaf/Yasha Nydoorin Warnings: None

A modern AU in which queerplatonic partners Molly and Yasha move to Zadash to start a soft, domestic life.

Reccer Says: Truly one of the sweetest, fluffiest series out there. QPP Circus Kids are soooo important to me and this series is a large reason for that. You can FEEL the love between Molly and Yasha, the depth to which they care about and for each other. It’s just. So so tender. Also! Baby the Cat beloved. And a very nice side of Widomauk fluff!!!

Something Happened On The Way To Heaven by SweetSilentSteps (24,014 words, Explicit) Pairing: Orym/Dorian Storm/Will (Dorymwill) Warnings: Minor Depictions of Violence

A retelling of Ladyhawke (1985), featuring Orym/Will as the cursed couple and Dorian as the jail escapee.

Reccer Says: Absolutely amazing character voices! It's such a fun read! I enjoy this more than the original movie.

(sing another) song for the lost ones by elanoides (21,453 words, Teen) Pairing: Fjord/Caleb Widogast (Widofjord) Warnings: None

Fjord crashes in a small seaside town, meets The Mighty Nein, and finds he isn't lonely anymore.

Reccer Says: This is such a cozy comfort read for me. 10/10.

Advanced Book (And Heart) Stealing by Attila (2,776 words, Teen) Pairing: Kima/Allura Vysoren (Kimallura) Warnings: None

The first time Allura checks out a book Kima needs for her thesis is an accident. The second, not so much.

Reccer Says: This is a hilarious story with fantastic character voices and several laugh out loud moments! Also very cute.

a hundred years still in my pocket by burningafterdark (3,360 words, Explicit) Pairing: Fjord/Caleb Widogast (Widofjord) Warnings: None

Fjord and Caleb have sex in Caleb's office.

Reccer Says: I love the post-canon vibes, I love how the established background Polynein colors their conversation, I love how comfortable the two feel together. It's also just well written sex!

Shut Up And Take My Money by Attila (14,024 words, Teen) Pairing: Jarrett Howarth/Vex'ahlia Warnings: Descriptions of blood, off-screen violence, off-screen healing of a gun shot wound

Vex needs to hire someone for the (money laundering) coffee shop. Jarett is a perfect fit - and attractive to boot. The question remains: is he a fed?

Reccer Says: This fic is hilarious! It feels like Vox Machina!

Spitfire by kitthekazoo (1,352 words, General) Pairing: Scanlan Shorthalt/Vax'ildan (Vaxlan) Warnings: None

Vax meets Kaylie, Scanlan's 8 year old daughter.

Reccer Says: Lovely!

teakettle love (i'd do anything) by redhoods (6,360 words, Explicit) Pairing: Fjord/Caleb Widogast (Widofjord) Warnings: None

Fjord takes care of Caleb when Caleb forgets to take care of himself.

Reccer Says: It's so soft........ such lovely character voices!

houses, homes by Ffwydriad (2,414 words, Teen) Pairing: Yeza Brenatto/Veth Brenatto/Caleb Widogast Warnings: Implied off-screen transphobia, homelessness

Caleb and Veth are on the streets together, and then move in with Yeza.

Reccer Says: I really enjoy trans!Veth and how the Caleb/Veth/Yeza relationship builds!

and coffee the morning after by impossibletruths (2,546 words, General) Pairing: Keyleth/Pike Trickfoot (Pikeleth) Warnings: Blood*

Keyleth and Pike meet in their apartment building's laundry room. Their relationship builds from there.

Reccer Says: It's so cute! It just feels lovely!

*Keyleth meets Pike when Pike's scrubs have blood on them.

it starts with an earthquake by impossibletruths (13,520 words, Teen) Pairings: Percy de Rolo/Pike Trickfoot/Vex'ahlia, Kima/Allura Vysoren (Kimallura) Warnings: None

Vox Machina's Conclave Arc, but make it post-apocalyptic.

Reccer Says: Absolutely amazing character studies, great plot, and a wonderful way of making things feel hopeful even in the apocalypse.

Free as the birds that fly with weightless souls by impossibletruths (5,643 words, Teen) Pairing: Keyleth/Kashaw Vesh (Kashleth) Warnings: Prominent themes of grief and mourning

Keyleth and Kashaw fall in love during their art collaboration.

Reccer Says: Beautiful.

End Racism in the OTW; you and me and some l-o-v-e (all good things come in threes) by mischiefseven (8,594 words, Teen) Pairing: Shaun Gilmore/Keyleth/Vax'ildan (Vaxlethmore) Warnings: Off-screen violence, aftermath of violence

Vax finds Gilmore's Glorious Goods and finds himself in love with both Keyleth and Gilmore.

Reccer Says: This is one of my favorite fics of all time. I highly recommend it!

Thank you for joining us this week’s recc list! All the love to everyone who submitted a fic 💕 All enclosed recommendations were submitted by the community via our submissions form, which you can find here. All fic information is as it was provided by the reccer, so it may not be accurate to the author’s intent or the precise contents of the fic itself. Please assume good intent from all parties 💕

Submissions for next week’s list are already open! We’ll be featuring Hurt/Comfort. If you have any you’d like to highlight, you can send them in here. The week after that, the theme is PC x NPC and the weeks after that we’re taking recommendations for Proposals & Marriages and Oneshots! Submissions for all of these themes are currently open.

If you want more rarepair fic, check out @cr-summer-wildflowers and their event collections on ao3! If you want some friendship after all this romance, take a look at @critter-genfic-events and their recc lists! And if you’re interested in everyone’s favorite wizards, you can’t go wrong with the lists at @aeor-is-for-reccing !

Thanks all and have a lovely day/night/timezone! 💕

[callioope]

I just want to acknowledge that Essek’s actions did affect Veth personally. 

(1) Yeza was helping study one of the beacons that Essek stole. In other words, he was participating in the research that Ludinus was supposed to be sharing with Essek as part of their deal.

(2) Yeza’s involvement in studying the beacons caused the Dynasty’s attack on Felderwin, endangering the life of Veth’s son and resulting in Yeza’s capture.

(2a) We can’t say for certain how much Essek knew about this attack. However, it is possible that he could have helped plan it. He may have even tipped Ludinus off to move the beacon; if that is the case, he may have even known that the beacon would not be there but allowed the attack to happen anyway. But all of this is speculation. Even if Essek knew nothing of the attack, it wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t stolen the beacons in the first place.

(3) Yeza was kidnapped because of his involvement with the beacons. And this was how he was treated:

They dragged me through all these terrible places, chained to like a giant nightmare, this worm thing

And this isn’t even the worst part.

(4) Yeza is imprisoned and likely tortured in the Dungeon of Penance

This is how the Mighty Nein find Yeza: 

MATT: The cell is about 20 feet deep, ten feet wide. Aside from the bars towards the very front, the chamber is solid iron. The floor is stone, very hardy stone, and elements of the floor have scattered bits of soft-dried grasses. There appears to be a bedroll that is tossed in the corner and a pot. You see, off in the corner, knees to the chest, looking forward, spooked, a halfling man, curly, matted brown hair, gaunt, pale, bags under his eyes. Wearing a basic cloth tunic that looks somewhat torn in one sleeve. Remnants of a vest. Actually looks partially eaten. Slacks that appear to be scraped and torn in places, but he's just knees clutched to the chest.

[...]

TRAVIS: Are you fucking serious?! He's been eating his shirt!

LIAM: This is fucking Alcatraz!

Later, Yeza describes what happened to him:

they brought me here and they just watched me from the shadows, asking me questions about experiments and starving me. But I didn't say anything, I didn't say anything because I knew you were coming and I didn't want anything to happen to Luc and I didn't tell them anything. That's it.

And Esesk acknowledges:

Very well. It seems that not all forms of interrogation are effective, but alternate means can be. The prisoner is free to go. He is your charge now.

While we can’t say for certain how directly involved Essek was with Yeza’s capture, imprisonment, and torture, Essek is aware of Yeza’s presence and the progress of his interrogation (or rather lack thereof). He lets Yeza go because he admits everything to Veth, which Essek overhears. 

What intel would the Dynasty hope to gain out of Yeza? Probably ‘how did you get the beacon’ and ‘where is it now’, questions that Essek already knows the answer to and yet here he is, imprisoning Yeza, starving him, knowing the whole time how unnecessary this is. 

Of course, Essek will want different intel from Yeza: the results of his experimentation, either to supplement or corroborate what meager information Ludinus has provided. 

Best case scenario, Essek had no direct oversight of the attack on Felderwin and supervised the Dungeon of Penance jailers responsible for Yeza’s interrogation. Worst case scenario, Essek knew the beacon had been in Felderwin but no longer was, allowed or even supervised the attack on Felderwin, knew who Yeza was and provided the intel for Kryn soldiers to locate and kidnap him, and interrogated him personally. I think it’s most likely somewhere in between those options, but the point is, Essek is very directly responsible for the treatment of Veth’s husband and the endangerment of Veth’s son. 

Quotes are from Critical Role Campaign 2, Episode 57: In Love and War. 

[acepalindrome]

Time for more headcanon because I’m bored at work:

- Elves and drow don’t dream while trancing. They’re in more of a meditative state than actually being unconscious, so they still have a level of awareness of what’s around them to a degree. They don’t conk out enough for dreaming to happen.

- They’re expected to learn how to trance around early adolescence, so most elves and drow only have vague childhood memories of dreaming because they sleep so rarely once they learn to trance (it’s really only socially acceptable if you’re sick and have something going on that makes it difficult to focus enough to trance.)

- Essek doesn’t really remember dreaming as a child, but he does remember that he had reoccurring nightmares about being chased by a giant purple worm. What he remembers is being up at night, clutching his stuffed toy beholder and straining his ears for the sound of rumbling that might indicated a giant worm is coming to eat him up.

- In his defense, he was about the drow equivalent of six and one of his caretakers had read him a book about a purple worm who eats naughty drow children, and the illustrations were really much too scary for a children’s book. Essek was very worried about the worm coming after him for his childhood misdeeds.

- This did not actually stop him from staying up past his bedtime reading or using levitate to steal snacks from the kitchen when no one was looking, he would just worry about the worm after the fact.

- The point is that while he knows that he did dream as a child, he doesn’t really remember the experience of dreaming, what it felt like.

- so when he starts giving sleeping a try at the Mighty Nein’s encouragement (it does sound tempting to get to turn his brain off for a while, and he likes the idea of cuddling with Caleb as he falls asleep but he’s not up to admitting that part yet,) dreaming feels like a whole new experience. It’s interesting, and he does find sleep more relaxing than trancing.

- he’s so interested in how dreams work and the whole phenomenon of people having similar dreams. Jester keeps asking him if he has any dreams whenever he sleeps, and he admits having a dream that he showed up to the Bright Queen’s court naked and then all his teeth fell out. Fjord gives him a sympathetic look, he hates that ‘naked in public and your teeth fall out’ dreams. Essek is so bewildered by the concept that people can have the same dreams? How does dreaming work

- he starts recording his dreams to try to keep track of them and find the patterns and figure out how it works. He keeps his research journal somewhere secret because he has quite a few dreams about Caleb and he doesn’t need that becoming public knowledge.

- It’s all interesting academic fun until he has a nightmare. He’s so unused to having to deal with the particular experience of his worst fears slapping him in the face when his mind is at its most vulnerable, and it really shakes him up.

- He dreams about the Dynasty catching him and trying him for his crimes, and he wakes up in a cold sweat, feeling like the child who was scared of the purple worm gobbling him up for being bad. But his crimes are so much worse now, and he would deserve any punishment for them.

- He can deal with those dreams, however unpleasant they are, but then he starts dreaming about terrible things happening to his friends, to Caleb, and it’s just a bit too much. He had been sleeping a couple nights a week, but he abruptly stops after having a particularly horrible nightmare.

- Caleb notices the sudden change, and that Essek is acting strange, and finally gets him to admit why he stopped sleeping.

- And Caleb certainly isn’t going to force him to try sleeping again if he’s uncomfortable, but, well…maybe they could try sharing a bed together whenever Essek wants to sleep? Caleb still has nightmares pretty regularly, but they don’t happen as often when he’s sleeping near someone. Maybe the same could apply for Essek. They can keep each others nightmares at bay.

- This turns out to be there perfect solution to the problem, and after getting over the initial shyness Essek gets to experience his fantasy of falling asleep cuddling with Caleb. It doesn’t completely stop the nightmares for either of them, but at least they can care for each other afterward.

[spottedenchants]

for @flashhwing and this heart-hurting community-generated au

~

Twelve minutes. The sun shines, as it never does, here.

The sun shines, as it always does, now. Eleven minutes. The funny thing about history, that humorless thing, is how it repeats.

This once was meant as a statement on the folly of those arrogant enough to dissociate themselves from their pasts.

This, Caleb thought. This, he reminded himself.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Ten minutes. The procession proceeds, the ceremony continues.

One step, two steps, three steps, four steps, six steps, twelve steps.

Two banners down, the carrier will skid their foot and their flag will sway out of line- there. Nine minutes. Individual lifelines may tangle, part, snarl, knot, end.

But the world continues on.

It’s supposed to continue on.

It’s supposed to continue. Eight minutes. The acting mage breaks rank to approach the center.

Left, right, left, right, settle, turn, shift between feet and settle once more. Same rhythm.

Caleb doesn’t bother listening to the accusations. Old news. Seven minutes. For one unforgivable, it is not enough to relive the worst of oneself in nightmare.

No, that punishment is served by the cycle of history, tasting of bitter ash on the tongue, dry as his eyes, cheeks, lips, throat. Six minutes. The accused is paraded, dressed up in jewelry and chain as though allowed to retain dignity and defiance.

Caleb does not let his heart catch. Not now. Now, he focuses.

Speech goes on. Five minutes. Ah, there’s the tell, right on cue. An earring sways with the faintest twitch.

The only hint of plain terror. Four minutes. The rest of the accused’s mask rests stainless. It won’t hold through the pain.

It never does. Three minutes. Caleb wishes he could lose count of each line folded into that grimace, then shoves the thought away.

Sentiments are for later. Two minutes. Now, he observes, collects, remembers. One minute. Every last shift in the air, every last echo of footsteps, every last uncaring snuffle and bird call and shuffle of fabric. Thirty seconds. The position and momentum of every person, plant, creature, mote of current dust. Ten seconds. Maybe there will be a difference.

Maybe this will make a difference, next time.

Remembering everything has to be enough. Five seconds. The incantation begins. Two seconds. Caleb grips crescent nails to unfeeling flesh in this instant; Counterspell will be counterproductive to this study. One second. Lodestones make magnets make compasses mark direction mark guidance.

A lodestar does much the same, though loftily, detached.

For what does sunlight care about life? And, in sunlight, Essek dies. The screamed breeze paints its fractal of dust, the same pattern it always does, and it is over. The crowd disperses, as it does. Caleb stays, as he has. Now, he watches, he watches, he watches. Night returns. The final countdown ticks: twelve hours left to remember, and then the day begins again.

[sockablock]

When Essek's old alter ego is suddenly asked by Da'leth to work at Soltryce Academy, nine semi-retired adventurers are thrust back into a web of danger, intrigue, and wizardly shenanigans. (Surprise, surprise! I’m back with another Shadowgast WIP)

Chapter 1: The Worst-Case Scenario

Caleb watched Essek hover back and forth like a miniature, panicked storm cloud.

“This is ridiculous! It must be some kind of joke. We haven't had any contact for years, and now he expects me to believe him? What is he playing at?”

“Breathe, Essek, breathe. You will not solve this mystery by wearing a hole in—above—the carpet.”

“What?” Essek looked down, then stopped floating. “Oh. My apologies. I’m a bit…well, you know.”

“I would be too.” There was urging in Caleb’s voice. “Take a seat, Schatz. Let me see the letter.”

Essek obliged, handing over a crumpled scroll right before collapsing heavily into his chair. The fire of a cold late-autumn evening cast their den in gold and orange light.

“Does he explain himself?” Caleb turned the scroll the right way around. “Does he say why?”

“Has Da’leth ever done that?” Essek snorted. “All he wrote was that I—rather, that Thain, had been selected. And I only have two days to respond.”

Caleb waved his hand, and a glowing orb appeared. He brought it closer to the parchment. “May I?”

“Please.”

“To the esteemed Lord Dezran Thain of Nicodranas—good grief. He really isn’t subtle.”

“Tell me about it,” Essek said.

“Perhaps,” Caleb continued, “you are aware of the ongoing investigations into the Cerberus Assembly. If so, then perhaps you have also heard that Archmage Tversky and Archmage Margolin will be leaving our ranks by the end of the week—ah yes, Beau was quite proud of that.”

“She should be,” Essek said miserably. “It’s about time. Read the next part.”

“And so it falls on the surviving members of our organization to fill these vacant roles. We believe, for the safety and stability of our country, that the next Archmages of Conscription and Dysology should come from within the Empire; however, it has been brought to our attention that adding a Nicodranian mage to our ranks could be quite valuable. Such an alliance would strengthen our ties to the Menagerie Coast, as well as assuage any concerns that the Empire is isolationist or inflexible. Therefore, as we have been friends for some time—really?”

Essek made a face. “I would not have called him my ‘friend’ in any form, but we have known each other for a few decades. Unfortunately.”

“Unfortunately,” Caleb commiserated. He smoothed out the letter and found his place again. “—I wished to have the pleasure of informing you that on behalf of the Cerberus Assembly, you, Lord Dezran Thain of Nicodranas, have been extended the honor of replacing Archmage Margolin in his secondary capacity—as the distinguished and peerless Headmaster of the Soltryce Academy. Oh. My gods.”

Essek groaned. He had his head buried in his hands.

“You Identified this already?” Caleb managed eventually.

Essek nodded. “I wish I hadn’t.”

Caleb continued to stare at the letters. The fluid, curving script seemed to blur all together. “That’s…gods,” he said again.

“Agreed.”

“I…can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now.”

Essek snorted. “Actually, if anyone could, it would be you.” Then something occurred to him. Suddenly, the hearth shone an odd color in his eyes. “This was delivered to our home. To this house, in Rexxentrum. Yours. That…bastard.”

Caleb was quick to understand. He took a deep breath, then reached over for Essek’s hand.

“Maybe it was just enchanted to find you wherever you are. Like a Sending spell.”

“I’d hate to think otherwise. That would mean—”

Caleb interrupted him out of mercy. “Every inch of our tower is warded from divination. Besides, you’ve adopted an endless array of personas. I don’t even think we’ve been seen together with you as Thain, not since the party years ago.”

“Still.” Essek rubbed his eyes. “The timing makes me think he knows something. That, and the fact that it’s for Thain, I mean—what has Thain accomplished? I don’t even remember telling anyone I was a mage!”

“That, ah…that might have been Jester’s fault. She really enjoyed adding to your personas. You needed a past, after all, otherwise you would have just appeared from nowhere.”

“So she told everyone that Thain was a famous wizard?”

“The best lies are often true,” Caleb shrugged. “Though I admit that she might have gone a little overboard. You know how much she likes to praise her friends.”

It was a testament to Essek’s troubled mood that he barely acknowledged this. Caleb squeezed his fingers. “They said…they did say you could reject them. And their political reasoning is not unsound. Maybe that is all there is to it—the Assembly needs someone to be the Headmaster, and they thought of you.”

Even after so many years of trying, Caleb’s reassuring voice still left some things desired. Essek shut his eyes.

“My love, the very idea that the Cerberus Assembly is even thinking of me is a nightmare.”

 “Fair enough.”

“I just want to know why,” Essek muttered. “Why now? Why me? What is he after?”

“I don’t know,” Caleb said. “I wish I did.”

Essek suddenly turned toward him. “I—I hate to ask this, but can you find out? You know…ask our old friend the newest Archmage.”

“Ah.” Caleb’s face gave a complicated shuffle, one common these days when Astrid was mentioned.

“If you don’t want to—” Essek hurried.

“No, no, I can…try.” He scratched his chin. “She’s just been less open, lately. She’s not…pleased by how thorough the Soul is being. Beauregard is relentless.”

“It has been seven years. That’s a lot for your kind, but probably just enough for Da’leth to finally realize they mean business—” Essek blinked. “Do you think that’s why he picked me?”

“We don’t know that he’s behind this,” Caleb said lamely. At Essek’s expression, he relented. “Alright, alright. I’ll stop suggesting otherwise.”

“It’s not unappreciated, I just prefer to be direct. It is clear that Da’leth is trying to use me again. This time, in order to hurt you and the Cobalt Soul. There is no point in believing otherwise.”

Caleb brushed Essek’s face. “No, that would require him to think he could use you in the first place. But that is impossible, because Thain does not know Widogast.”

“He does, though.”

“Yes, but is Da’leth aware of that? He cannot be.”

“I thought we put an end to that.”

“Only to statements of idle hope, not facts.” Caleb was now holding both his hands. “The truth of the matter is that…yes, perhaps the Martinet does want you for some devious plan—”

“Oh, lovely—”

“—however, any plan he has cannot be based on our connection. We have been doing this…being us, for seven years now, Essek. If he were going to play against that hand, he would have done so already. This must be something else.”

Essek huffed. “What, though? What reason does he have? I haven’t been important to the Kryn for years. I resigned, I’m virtually a stranger there, and I certainly don’t have any more secrets for sale.” He paused. “Well, ones that Ludinus would desire. I’m useless to him.”

“I highly doubt that,” Caleb said. And his voice, while kind, had a faint edge to it. “You are right in that there probably is some motivation here. It might be related to the investigation in other ways—after all, two members of the Assembly are leaving. That makes four upheavals in under a decade. And if the Soul and the crown are both pushing for the appointment of more partial Archmages, then it might very well be the case that Da’leth just wants someone he can control. In your case, through blackmail.”

“Hooray for me.”

“He probably wouldn’t, though,” Caleb said. “Since, as you said, this is a situation of mutually assured destruction.”

Essek grimaced. “I have been somewhat wishful in that department. Even with your support, it is still my word against the Martinet.”

“Our word. That includes the Cobalt Soul.”

Essek shook his head. “You’ve seen how well he’s stood up to them so far. Can you honestly say that my safety is a sure thing? Don’t lie to me, Caleb.”

There was a pause.

“Essek, I will do everything in my power to protect you.”

"I know." He patted Caleb on the hand.

Outside their tower, far away, the evening bells of the Rexxentrum began to ring. One, and then two, and then almost a dozen, loud and bronze across the dimming sky.

“There is one way to find out for sure what Da’leth is planning.”

Essek sighed. “I know. But I don’t like it.”

Caleb leaned back in his seat. “Neither do I.”

The cry of the great bells waned. In their den, all around the wall, points of magelight flared to life—flickering and purple harbingers of night.

“Will you do it?” Caleb said.

“I don’t know if I have a choice.”

“You do,” Caleb said. “The worst-case scenario is that Da’leth tries to talk, and we…deal with that.”

“We’ve been trying to deal with him for years,” Essek said. “And…maybe this is bold of me to say, but the worst-case scenario isn’t that—it’s not knowing. Maybe I can…maybe I can find the answers here. If Da’leth thinks he is controlling me, if he trusts me to do his bidding, maybe I can finally learn something to break his hold.”

“As long as he never truly controls you,” Caleb said. “That is a risk I cannot accept.”

This time, Essek was the one to offer assurance. He gently pressed a kiss to Caleb’s hand.

“You forget,” he said wryly. “I am a powerful wizard. Haven’t you heard my title?”

“Shadowhand?” Caleb said. He did not look fully mollified, but he managed a chuckle. “I thought you were retired.”

Essek smiled. “I was, my love, but now it seems that I have a new role. Starting soon...you will be sharing your home with the next Headmaster of the Soltryce Academy.”

—

✨ Ko-Fi Link in Bio! ✨ | Requests are OPEN :3

[romeoandjulietyouwish]

I’ve sent a few prompts lately, but they’re so good I can’t stop. How about 36 (kisses) for Shadowgast? 💜💜💜

kissing away tears

Essek wishes sleep is something that would come naturally to him. Trancing is fine, but it doesn't have the same warmth and softness that sleep has. But when Caleb sleeps in his arms, Essek is perfectly content to just hold him and watch him sleep.

Something they don't tell you about a long life span is that time moves differently. Essek is happy just to be with Caleb for seven hours while the human rests.

Tonight, Essek is laying on his back, Caleb curled to his chest. Over Caleb's back, Essek is reading a book. It's far smuttier that Essek usually reads, but it came with a glowing recommendation from Jester.

Essek senses the moment Caleb's breathing changes. His slow breathes hitch and start to quicken. A quick look down tells Essek that Caleb's brow is furrowed. Essek sets his book aside.

In the months he's spent with Caleb, he's grown accustomed to Caleb's nightmares. Since the Cobalt Soul's investigation began, Essek has learned a little about Caleb's past, but he purposely tried to learn as little as possible. Caleb deserves to tell him when he's ready.

Essek rubs his hands down Caleb's back soothingly. Then to his horror, Caleb starts crying. Essek's been there for screaming, casting, and shaking, but crying is by far the worst one.

It means Caleb is dreaming of his parents.

Essek sits up, taking Caleb with him so it's easier for Essek to reach him. Essek runs his fingers through Caleb's hair, "You need to wake up, Caleb. It's alright." He knows better than to shake Caleb awake. Instead he wakes him with gentle touches and coaxing words. He wipes Caleb's cheeks.

Eventually, Caleb opens his eyes with a soft gasp, eyes filled with tears and a little red. Caleb meets Essek's eyes and then immediately starts sobbing, falling into Essek's arms.

"I've got you," Essek whispers as Caleb fists the back of his shirt. "It wasn't real."

"It felt real," Caleb counters softly.

"I know." Essek kisses the side of Caleb's head. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Caleb shakes his head, a soft whimper escaping his lips as he starts to sob harder. Essek gathers him closer and takes a deep breath. "Just breathe."

To Essek's relief, Caleb does as he says and takes a stuttering breath. A few more deep breathes, Essek rubbing Caleb's back, and Caleb lifts his head.

Essek gives him a sad smile and takes Caleb's face in his hands. Caleb closes his eyes and leans into the touch. This man, Essek thinks, has been through so much pain and strife. And yet, he is still soft and he is still happy.

Essek leans forward and kisses Caleb's left cheek, feeling the stubble and tasting the saltiness of his tears. "I love you," Caleb tells him, his voice barely audible.

Essek kisses Caleb, on the lips this time, "I love you too. Do you want to go back to sleep?"

Caleb shakes his head, leaning into Essek's chest. "Will you read to me?"

Essek glances at his book, "Sure. You'll probably enjoy this book a lot more than I will." Essek leans back against the bed, holding Caleb with one arm as he opens his book.

touches ask game

[utilitycaster]

Wizard Breakdown Tracker, episode 137

I was, as is nearly always true, correct last week in that we have not covered much more time and therefore this is still really just an Essek Breakdown Tracker (with honorary Yussa). I'm hoping that next week they will destroy Cree and buy themselves enough time to at least heroes feast and rest up, if not get a proper night's sleep in what is apparently the intestines of the Somnovem ward, and I can speculate again on some of the other wizards.

As a reminder, Caleb Widogast is a PC, not an NPC, and therefore ineligible for this.

Currently sidelined: Allura, Pumat, Trint, Astrid, Eadwulf, Ludinus, Oremid, Known Gem Wizard Hotsauce Lutefisk, and Lady Vess DeRogna who's presumably looking at this from the afterlife and just thinking "are you fucking kidding me? this could have been me, being screamed at by horrors beyond comprehension, if the person whose soul I smashed like a cheap beer bottle had the common decency to remain as such."

Essek Thelyss: Essek has been keeping a low profile because of the restrictions of actual play, namely Matt is too busy making nightmare noises with his own mouth, but I in-game, I think that he's just intentionally pretending the last couple of hours did not happen because there are more pressing issues now. As a result he is coming off as slightly bored, which I'm into.

Here's what we do know: Essek is somewhat injured, has a great dex score, has a GREAT intelligence score, might be using cantrips to flirt but is definitely using them to stop people from screaming, cast some extremely sexy lightning, and should be paired up with Veth more frequently because that was really funny. He is probably going to have to counterspell a cat really soon. You know. Normal things.

You know how if you've been having a bad mental health time, and you finally are able to drag yourself out to something, but it's like, a friend of a friend's experimental modern dance, or a movie you didn't particularly care to see, and you're like "I'm doing it! I'm out of the house, like a normal person! This is good!" but also the thing you are doing is not particularly enjoyable. But you're just like "you know what? I peeled myself off the couch for this and put on a clean shirt, and I guess it is happening to me, or at me, or around me, and I suppose that is some small victory, and I hope this will be relatable to people on the internet as an experience one day."

This is Essek. Is the Astral Sea Lovecraftian Nightmare Science Museum a great time? No. Is it a step up from several straight weeks of alternate guilt and panic attacks at the outpost? Maybe not! But it sure is a step somewhere, and that, my friends, is possibly a victory.

Conclusion: downgrading him back to 8/10 on the grounds that he seems like the kind of person who would be like "you know what? I could be in endless torment here and I am not." But also literally the purpose of cosmic horror is to jack up your breakdown levels so I doubt he (or anyone) is getting much further down than that.

Yussa Errenis: As mentioned, heads turning into eyeballs in a fantasy setting is totally chill for me. Having your personality subsumed into a fractured insane hive mind such that death is welcomed as a release, not so much. The reason I hate zombie movies isn’t gore. I can look at cracked skulls full of breached blood-brain barrier all day. The reason is that this monster wears the face of someone you love, but is just a mindless vessel of hunger who does not recognize you in turn.

MAN THIS INSTALLMENT GOT KIND OF DARK AND I DID NOT MEAN FOR THAT TO HAPPEN.

Anyway my kind of joking statements about Yussa may hold a bit of water, but there is a bright side. Per the Astral Projection spell, if Yussa dies in the city and the silver thread tethering him to the material plane is intact he wakes up in real life, which would be nice, but also, no guarantees.

Should Yussa survive and return to the material plane I think it would be great if, when the Mighty Nein go back to talk to him again after this arc, he's like "yeah I could see you playing the worst ever game of What Time is it Mr. Fox in the city, what a poor decision" and they're like "poor decisions you say?"

Conclusion: Praesidius Junction J̵͚̔ų̷̣̀ṇ̷̡̃c̶̯͝t̶̡͝î̴̟̈́ŏ̶̟̑n̵̻͆̎ ̶̢͚̔͘j̴̰͚̅u̵̺͊̈́n̵̬̫͊c̵̯̈́̅t̵̜͔͘í̵̦̻̎ȍ̵̖̔n̷̲̬͛̒j̴͔̿́u̶̘̠̓n̷̰̕c̷̡̙͝t̶̨̅̋ỉ̸̗͉͠o̷̯͑͋n̶̰̽̒ HELP HELP HELP [high pitched Matt scream]/10

[magicallarynx]

being charmed to attack the mighty nein is literally Essek’s worst nightmare oh, buddy :((

[dhwty-writes]

On the Benefits of Trancing

This is a bit late, but was in fact written for Day 2 of sgtober, Can't Sleep. It's very fluffy, have fun reading! 

Summary: There are several reasons why Essek prefers trancing over sleeping. Firstly, as difficult as it may be to leave yourself vulnerable for eight hours at a time, he finds it even more challenging to imagine his friends defenceless. Secondly, sleep, inevitably, will give birth to dreams. And no matter if they are foul or fair, they torture him all the same. And lastly, well—.Essek reminisces about the strange habit of sleeping and his even stranger habit of sharing his bed with Caleb whenever he can't sleep.

Warnings: None, as far as I’m aware

Read on AO3

Sleep is a curious thing, Essek muses, that he doesn't understand and hasn't particularly cared for up until this point. It is a childish thing, and wild and vulnerable and oh-so terribly time consuming. Truth be told, for most of his life he has pitied the other races who are forced to bow to the whims of nature in that way.

Like so many things, that changed when he met the Mighty Nein. Well, not when he met them necessarily—back then he may or may not have been quietly plotting their demise for returning his carefully stolen beacons—but certainly when he started travelling with them.

As many aspects of elven cultures are, trancing is a solitary activity, a silent contemplation of one's most private thoughts to better cope with them. Shock and surprise don't even begin to cover his feelings when Caleb first cast his dome and Essek found out that sleeping, as many things for the Mighty Nein, is a rather communal event.

He had eight whole hours to come to terms with those implications—did they not realise what it meant, the trust one had to place in another to sleep in front of them? Did they not care? Or did they, by some miracle, in fact trust him that much?

When he came out of his trance the next morning, he realised some of the members of the Nein had moved during the night, curling closer to and around each other. Cuddling, they called it, and Essek's pity melted away, turning into something more bitter, more poisonous. Envy.

There is something about sitting upright, floating a few inches off the ground while surrounded by people holding each other that can make you feel so incredibly lonely, and that has to say something. Nearly a century of solitude spent between too-large, too-empty towers, too-secretive and too-pious schools, and a too-scheming and too-paranoid court have never left him feeling as isolated and bereft as that morning with the Nein did.

Of course, back then he didn't have the words to describe the feelings swirling in his chest. Nor did he have the words to ask for them to include him in their affections, lest he be presumptuous. That, to quote Caleb Widogast, takes time. Surprisingly little of it, if he is perfectly honest.

A few months down the line, he stopped floating while trancing and when he resurfaced the next morning, he found himself leaning against Fjord, who had taken the last watch. When he jerked away in embarrassment, Fjord blinked awake, too, a disgruntled look on his face, growling that he should stop moving around so much.

Despite his shame, Essek complied and held completely still until the rest of the Nein woke up. After that, he began to dabble into the casual intimacy his friends share. He even tried to sleep, occasionally.

In the beginning, he felt very self-conscious about it. He would wake up with messy hair, or drool on his pillow, or, worst of all, tucked close to Caleb. Another effect of the Mighty Nein, though, is that they very quickly rid you of your sense of shame. So, he no longer cares if he looks a mess, if his clothes are rumpled, or if he's getting spit on Veth's backpack. Just the last thing he can't help but feel embarrassed about.

There are several reasons why he still prefers trancing, though. Firstly, as difficult as it may be to leave yourself vulnerable for eight hours at a time, he finds it even more challenging to imagine his friends defenceless. He much prefers being able to watch over them for at least half of that time.

Secondly, sleep, inevitably, will give birth to dreams. And if sleep is childish, wild, and vulnerable, dreams are tenfold so. He often contemplates his crimes during his trances, as well as the discarded timelines, the lost possibilities that could have led to even more death, destruction, and despair. He frequently considers members of the Assembly lording their victory over him, disposing of him, torturing his friends. However, in his trance, he can choose to abandon these timelines. Dreams offer no such luxury. Once in their cruel grasp, you have no choice but to see them through.

Nightmares are one thing, but dreams are another. Even the pleasant ones often come unbidden, worming themselves through his subconscious to pluck out— What exactly Essek should call them, he isn't sure. He wouldn't dare name them wishes or hopes, for that would imply a certain level of possibility for them to come true. These visions are desires, more like, though that term implies a certain passion that does not fit the circumstance.

These unsought fantasies often include the Mighty Nein, years or decades from now. How they would still seek him out, include him in their midst. He dreams of feasts and festivals, of hugs and humour, of truthfulness and trust. And then there are other, even more forbidden dreams featuring him and Caleb. He dreams of soft kisses and gentle caresses, lazy nights spent in the tower reading books, of research and adventures and normalcy, of waking up as close to each other every day as they do from time to time on accident. He would love his future to look like this, but he knows there is a very little chance for that.

So, no matter if the dreams are foul or fair, they torture him all the same.

And lastly, well—

There is a knock on his door and Essek's heart lurches. "Come in," he calls as calmly as he can manage, forcing himself to slowly close the book he hasn't been reading instead of slamming it shut and scrambling to his feet.

The door opens silently, as all doors within the tower do, and Caleb slips inside. He's wearing simple sleeping clothes and Essek silently curses himself for already closing the book, so he can't even pretend to read that instead. "I, ah— I'm sorry for intruding... again," Caleb says, self-consciously tugging at his sleeves. "I hope I didn't wake you?"

"Not at all," he answers, barely keeping himself from saying: 'I was waiting up.' Instead, he opts for: "I was still reading."

"Anything interesting?"

"Are you trying to tell me that you have stored uninteresting books in your mind, Caleb Widogast?"

"Plenty," he deadpans and Essek chuckles.

"It's called The Creation of Silver." He turns the plain cover over to Caleb, to jog his memory. Based on what he could gather by skimming the first pages, it promises to be a rather run of the mill romance novel following the story of a Dwendalian noble trying to escape their arranged marriage. "So far, I find it quite entertaining."

"Ah, yes." Caleb quickly glances away, a faint blush colouring his cheeks. "Have you reached the part where Stefan leaves for the city yet?"

"I have not."

"Then I will not spoil you." Another tug on his sleeve. "The plot really picks up at that point."

Essek tilts his head to the side, studying Caleb. According to the clock in his room, it is past midnight, which is quite late for the human to still be awake. Yet, he is just hovering in his doorway, caught between stepping inside and leaving again. "I presume you did not come here to discuss my evening reading matter."

"Ah..." He tugs at his sleeves again. "No, I did not." As always, Caleb is as incapable of voicing his needs as Essek is.

Thankfully, Essek is not nearly as apprehensive when it comes to his friends' well-being as he is when his own is concerned. "Should you have trouble sleeping, you know you are more than welcome to stay. Seeing as we are to make progress tomorrow, I am very invested in you having a restful night."

Not being able to sleep is another thing about that practice that Essek cannot understand. Trancing is a matter of will, discipline, and tranquillity and he's always assumed sleep to be the same. He supposes it is, to some degree.

But travelling with the Mighty Nein, and Caleb specifically, has taught him that you cannot force sleep. There are circumstances under which they will toss and turn for hours, unable to find rest. Not even Beau's meditation, which he considered relatively close to his trance, seemed capable to calm a disturbed mind enough for sleep.

He has, however, also discovered that for certain members of the Mighty Nein, certain methods will accomplish the necessary peace of mind. Caduceus' tea appears to be able to work miracles, time and time again. Beauregard likes to tire herself out by running drills, while Jester usually draws in her sketchbook. Yasha tends to make flower crowns or, lacking flowers, braid other people's hair. Essek has been subjected to that numerous times so far and despite his aversion to Dynasty braids, he doesn't hate it. Fjord usually ties sailor's knots, and Veth sorts through her various collections.

Caleb, though? Caleb, for some reason, only needs another person to fall asleep next to. And for some reason, despite the numerous options he has, he chooses Essek more often than not. Not that he's complaining, of course. In fact, he may enjoy it a little too much.

Caleb laughs quietly as he often does at their antics. They have long since learned the rules to this strange game they are playing. "Well, if you put it like this..." he says as he rids himself of his slippers—Hausschuhe, he has explained to Essek, a very important part of Zemnian culture—and puts them next to Essek's. "I would hate to disappoint you, Herr Thelyss."

'You couldn't,' he thinks as he pulls back the covers. Instead, he says: "Indeed." As always, he freezes in place when Caleb joins him on the bed, scooting closer until they are nearly touching. Being this close to each other is not getting any less mortifying, no matter how long it has been since Caleb first came knocking on his door.

He still remembers that night in vivid detail. As so often, Essek has been reading and just got up to get a cup of tea. When he stepped out of his rooms, he nearly collided with a wizard who had convinced himself that his suffering wasn’t important enough to trouble him with. “Do you want to come in?” he said to his own surprise. To his even bigger surprise, Caleb accepted.

They sat on Essek’s couch and talked about everything and nothing at once. Hours later, with his throat gone dry, Essek asked: “Shouldn’t you be asleep by now?” The moments the words left his mouth he knew he’d said something wrong.

Caleb shot to his feet as if burned and Essek followed suit. “I am so sorry, friend. I will not continue to disturb you any—”

“Where are you going?” he interrupted him, perhaps a little irritated. “Give me some credit, Caleb Widogast; I am capable of far subtler ways to rid myself of an unwelcome visitor. Which you are not.”

He laughed self-consciously and said: “Regardless, I should go and rest. Schlaf gut, Herr Thelyss.”

“You could stay,” he blurted out before he could stop himself. “I mean—I noticed your sleep to be more restful when you are around others. I am aware that I am not your first choice, but since the others are not here—You’re welcome to stay, if it at all helps.”

Caleb hesitated. “Are you sure?”

“Certainly.”

“In Ordnung,” he answered finally. Essek is still glad he had thought to float for that conversation. That way, at least, his knees didn’t give out.

A short discussion about who should take the bed followed before they stubbornly agreed to share it. Essek came to regret that immediately after when he was confronted with the practical implications of ‘sharing a bed’.

“Make yourself at home,” he said. Caleb took some time to rearrange the pillows and blankets—just like he does now—while Essek hovered nearby. Literally.

It took several reminders from Caleb for Essek to not instinctively recast his floating cantrip, but eventually they managed to lie down next to each other with a minimal amount of awkwardness. They have moved past that initial apprehensiveness by now, Essek thinks while he pretends to read. Shortly after, Caleb flops down, close enough that Essek can feel his breath ghosting over his cheeks.

“Good night, Caleb Widogast,” Essek says, stubbornly staring at the pages and nowhere else. "Do you want me to dim the lights?" He doesn't need them anyways; he just likes to appreciate the room Caleb made for him in all of its colours.

"No, I think I would like to read a bit. I am quite fond of that book."

"You are?" Essek looks down to him in surprise. ‘If Caleb tilts his head,’ the thought hits him, ‘he could rest it on my shoulder.’ He just thought it to be one of the countless books Caleb has read in his life, nothing special. "Why?"

He blushes again. "Ah— I think you'll see. The title is more literal than one would assume."

He considers the book once more, trying to discern what Caleb means with his words. ‘Luxon help me,’ he sends a silent prayer. It wouldn’t be the first time for him to pick up a romance novel that turns out to be quite a bit more explicit than anticipated. To think that such a mistake may have happened to him with Caleb so close—He thinks he might just combust from embarrassment.

"Do you mind flipping the page?" Caleb asks with a yawn, startling Essek out of his thoughts.

"Oh, of course," he says belatedly and turns the page. He hasn't read the last one yet, but nor has he read the one before, so it hardly matters. The novel has a rather shallow plot, so he has no trouble picking it up three pages later, and he's done so by design.

“Thank you.” He yawns again, louder this time and burrows down further into his pillows. “Gute Nacht, mein Schatz,” he mumbles and freezes as if he only now realises what he said. He seems to wait for an answer, but when Essek fails to provide a wrong one, he just smiles up at him and says: “Schlaf wohl und g’sund, bis morgen früh’s Kaffeele kommt.”

“I don’t understand you,” Essek tells him just as quietly, “but you can translate tomorrow.” After a moment of hesitation, he adds in Undercommon: “Sweet dreams, my dear. I’ll be here when you wake up.” He quickly glances back at his book before he can do anything stupid. Such as regret his words. Or kiss him goodnight.

Still, with Caleb reading along he does his best to at least somewhat read the novel. It’s a very flowery language, occasionally dropping Zemnian words Essek doesn’t know. Judging by Caleb’s grumbling at least some of them appear to be wrong. The protagonist, Stefan, seems like quite the bore. He does have a strong motivation, he supposes, to escape from the dreary life that awaits him in his arranged marriage. Besides that, and his general cold-hearted demeanour, he can’t discern any defining characteristics.

He finally reaches the part Caleb asked him about—Stefan leaving for the big city—when another character is introduced, presumably his love interest. He appears to be about as compelling as the protagonist, until— Essek snorts quietly. “Caleb Widogast,” he chides softly, “is this a love story about wizards?”

At first, he doesn’t answer and Essek briefly considers the option of Caleb wilfully ignoring him. Then, there’s a barely audible snore. When he glances down in surprise, the human is leaning against his shoulder, soundly asleep. He noisily chews on a strand of his hair, a bit of drool dripping onto Essek’s shoulder.

For a moment he can’t help but stare, a dopey smile on his face. He quickly arrives at the conclusion that something as disgusting as that has absolutely no business being as endearing as it is. But for some reason he doesn’t mind at all.

Moving carefully and slowly, in order not to disturb Caleb’s sleep, he puts down The Creation of Silver. It is getting rather late and he probably should begin his trance, if he wants to wake before Caleb's inevitable departure.

He leans back, wiggling a bit to find a comfortable position. He thinks he's doing a good job of not rousing Caleb until the human grunts quietly. Essek freezes, fearing he may have woken him, but instead of opening his eyes, Caleb just shifts closer to him, throwing an arm and a leg across his lap to hold him tight.

Essek looks down at his... friend with a fond expression. After a moment of consideration, he reaches down to brush the strand of hair behind his ear.  

Sometimes, he feels like he can barely contain all the love he feels for this man within himself. One day, perhaps, he might even find the courage to tell him so.

Zemnian Translations:

Hausschuhe - slippers. In fact a Very Important German thing. Can't wear your normal shoes indoors, so you need special house shoes. Schlaf gut, Herr Thelyss. - Sleep well, Mister Thelyss. Gute Nacht, mein Schatz. -  Good night, my darling. (lit. treasure) Schlaf wohl und g'sund, bis morgen früh's Kaffeele kommt. - Sleep well and sound until tomorrow morning the little coffee arrives. (My Caleb is Suebian now and I don't take criticism. I was writing this when I suddenly remembered this sentence my parents used to say to me and I thought if my sleep deprived brain remembers things like that, it would only be appropriate if Caleb's did too.)

[californiannostalgia]

ooohhhh but there's eight of them and lucien makes nine

worst case scenario, they're the next somnovem, and lucien's gonna find a way to bind them to him and make them stay (because part of him is still twistedly fond of them)

"mighty nein" my ass, how does this improv show continue doing foreshadowing??? it shouldn't be possible??? essek joining them to make eight was never part of the plan, this wasn't supposed to happen, the numbers were never supposed to be 9

and now there's nine people connected, more or less, to a nightmare city that was once ruled by nine

FUCK

"mighty nein" seriously how the hell do you choose a name that is so poignant and so menacingly prophetic

hey y'all maybe you were all meant to be cursed dream gods of a nightmare creation city (insert shoulder shrug)

[e-one-seven]

The idea of people thinking "Caleb is talking to himself in the secret room of his tower, he is going to become evil!/he is secretly talking with someone bad!" makes me laugh so hard.

Maybe it is me as a literature student who reads what is happening to him as so painfully obvious, but I assure you that there is nothing further from the truth. Even Liam told in the Talks Machina that the chance of Caleb going willingfully bad right now is so low to be nonexistent, and that the Caleb we saw during the last episodes is the person he would have turned out to be if he never met Trent Ikithon. He is recovering, and he probably this is the finest he ever felt in the last eleven/twelve years of his life. Or at least, he was before he set foot in Eiselcross and everything went to shit.

There is a problem: for the people who experienced what Caleb experienced, hope and recovery are scary as hell. Caleb fears that if he lets completely go of his past and forgive himself for what happened, he could forget what he has done and end up to do it again. He already did it once after all, he could do it again if he gets pushed in the right direction. He needs to remind himself what exactly caused him to go bad the first time, and that his friends and their shared experiences will prevent it to happen again. He was just a kid, he was not safe back then. He is now.

Hence the eighth floor. The eighth floor of the tower is Bren's grave. Trent Ikithon killed Bren Aldric Ermendrud. It was a slow and painful process, and behind each door there is a moment when a part of Bren died until there was nothing left anymore. A grave is a place to remember the fallen ones, to feel them close enough to be able to talk to them. Caleb tries to communicate with whatever part of Bren is still alive inside himself every time he gets inside a room. He wants a confrontation between the person he used to be and the person he is now, and to see if it is possible for Bren to teach him something that Caleb can use to do good so that his utter destruction as a human being will not be completely vain.

But to Caleb, Bren is as tricky to deal with as Trent Ikithon himself: Bren is Trent's child, and he can teach him as well as corrupt him and give him bad advice, such as suggesting him to look for Astrid and Eodwulf's help. Caleb knows it is a bad idea, but Bren is suggesting him that it is the only way to prevent the Assembly to accuse the Mighty Nein of Vess DeRogna's death straight away once that they will be back to Wildemount. Even if they manage to stop Lucien, kill him and present his body to the Assembly, it could still not be enough to completely clear them: should the Assembly decide that the Mighty Nein are too dangerous to be left alive, this whole situation is giving them the opportunity to mark them for death. Bren killed for much less and Caleb knows it. This whole situation must be a living nightmare to him. (Luckily Essek's presence could give them an ally who knows the dangers to deal with such a situation and could help them prevent it to evolve into a complete disaster.)

Not to mention the effect the whole "Lucien situation" is having on him. Think about it: Caleb met Mollymauk Tealeaf, a walking rainbow who wanted to leave every town better than he found it. Someone who used to be possibly a bad person but decided to left it all behind, and that became one of the main inspirations for him to become a better person after his untimely death. It took some time but Caleb finally made it, he feels like a better person and he is starting to feel hope again. And then Molly's past caught up with him and Lucien is back, and he is every inch of the bad person Mollymauk feared he was.

By seeing this, it is impossible for Caleb not to think, "If this happened to Molly, what guarantees that it won't happen to me too?" Bren is a part of Caleb, and Caleb doesn't trust Bren. One of the deepest fear of Caleb Widogast is to wake up a morning and find out that he is still the monster Trent Ikithon turned Bren Aldric Ermendrud into, and he literally saw it happen to another person - a person he used to be close to - just a couple of hours before. He has all the rights to feel utterly freaked out by this situation, if not even teased by it. All he can do now is try to seance Bren and make sure that behind all the doors there still is a fragment of humanity that still wants what Caleb wants to achieve, that even if the worst happens and Bren is back he will not be the monster Caleb fears he would be. He needs him not to be, or feeling hope for himself would be pointless, as for what he knows right now Caleb Widogast is a creature who is living of borrowed time just like Mollymauk Tealeaf used to be.

At this point, either Caleb gained enough insight about himself to snap out of it on his own, or he needs to talk with someone with at least 18 points in Wisdom. Essek could also be an option, if Caleb feels like to have a conversation "from fellow monster to fellow monster"...

[everdreamart]

How I Gravitate Towards You

Rating: Teen and up

Relationship: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widowgast

The Mighty Nein return The Blooming Grove. Essek takes time to think about the events that happened and has a talk with Caleb. Things slowly escalate from there ;)

~~~~~~~~~~

The grove was beautiful. Vines intertwined and tangled with the colorful blooms dotting the landscape. You would almost forget that this was, infact, a graveyard with the amount of life around it. Essek took a second to breathe in the nature around him. A very welcome change of environment compared to Cognoza.

Sighs and cheers of relief and triumph echoed around him as the Mighty Nein bathed in their newfound victory. The sight warmed his chest. His friends. Now there were actually nine of them.

How ironic. Essek thought to himself with a smile.

The Clays burst out of the moss covered temple and started to bombard the group with hugs. Caduceus was practically beaming with joy to see his family again. Jester rambled on about their adventure as the Clays eagerly rushed them inside. They gave curious glances to the two new members, but decided not to say anything about it at the moment.

Within moments food and tea were being prepared. Fjord asked to help with the cooking but was promptly shut down by Cornelius.

"Look at you all! It looks as if you have been through hell and back! Rest. We will take care of it," he said.

The food was delicious. Reminiscent of Caduceus' cooking from that one night in the Xhorhous. He smiled fondly at the memory. Essek's eyes drifted to each member of the Mighty Nein. How did this even happen?

His thoughts spiraled into an assortment of memories. Cold and alone in his study. Ambition gnawing at him as he struggles to progress in his research. Greed and selfish desire as he traded away his country's livelihood for knowledge. Fear as a bloodied human holds up one of the beacons he stole. Rage at the thought that his so very carefully planned espionage would be ruined by a bunch of sell-swords.

When had this ragtag group worn down his walls? Was it Jester's hugs? Or her consistently chaotic messages? Was it Yasha in her soft silence, or was it Beau in her harsh way of loving? Maybe Caduceus, with his gentle reassuring gestures. Or Veth, with her tough but kind way of showing care. Maybe it was Caleb. A mind that matches so perfectly to his own it was almost unsettling. Intellect sharp and piercing, with a gaze so intense he could melt under its warmth.

Essek found his eyes laid on Caleb. The strands of copper red hair falling partially over his eyes. A small part of him resists the urge to reach across the table and push the strands away. He studied his features, as if he hadn't already memorized them. The sharp curve of his jawline, his slightly tussled beard. Eyes so blue it almost felt like looking into the daytime sky. His mouth curved into a soft smile as he talked to Beauregard next to him. Essek lingered on that sight. The stress of these past weeks washed away as he focused on Caleb's smile. Then Caleb's eyes met his. Electricity jolted through him as the spark of whatever it was between them burned. Essek quickly looked away, a slight warmth building in his cheeks. He thanked the Luxon for drow skin coloration.

After food was had, the group gushed over their old (new..?) Friend. Poor man was probably so overwhelmed by the attention. Mollymauk - as Jester had told him - didn't say much at all in response to the Mighty Nein's questions.

"Empty… empty…" he trailed off.

As happy as they all were, exhaustion took over their senses. They were due for a much needed rest. Caleb did not have enough energy left to create the tower (Essek had quite a bit of thoughts he still needed to unpack about that place), so the group decided to sleep in the grove. Yasha lay with Beau snuggled up against her. They hugged and muttered sweet nothings to each other in low whispers. Molly was not too far from Yasha, and was quickly taken by peaceful sleep. Jester lay partially on Fjord's chest, talking about some new prank she wanted to try on her newly reunited parents. Caduceus lay back against the wall and was already passed out - his snore a rather loud one. Caleb lay next to veth, who was already out cold.

There wasn't really a need to be so close - they weren't in the confinements of the dome. And yet, they choose to drift near each other. Comfortable in the proximity. Essek felt very out of place. In the nights prior he could always stay a fair distance away from the cuddle pile, for the sake of keeping watch. But now, with the group all clumped together in the mass of life that was the blooming grove, Essek didn't know quite where to go. He fidgeted in his space as he debated where to trance. He can't go too far, but he definitely can't intrude on this intimate bond they all share. Eventually, Essek sits down a few feet from Caleb. He always seemed to gravitate towards him. Perhaps it was the similarities between them that made Essek feel safer in his presence.

Essek starts to begin his trance, and it is only then that the weight of the day's events crash onto him. The horrors of Cognoza will never truly leave his mind, but it is nothing compared to the absolute terror he felt when they were in that final fight.

The watch of one of the Somnovem caught him early on. The guilt of his actions surged into him tenfold. The lives he took, the families he'd broken, all for the sake of his selfish thirst for knowledge. It was all his fault.

He didn't catch sight of the tower hurled at him until it was too late. Caleb grunted as the weight of the rock (..flesh? It was very confusing) trapped him beneath it. Essek felt a surge of fear as he pictured the worst. He quickly scrambled over to where Caleb laid and desperately tried to pull him out. To no avail, it would seem. Those of his craft were not quite suited for these feats. Essek summoned the bead of possibility he had placed in himself beforehand. With a surprising surge of strength, he got Caleb to his feet.

In a rush of adrenalin,Caleb pulled him close and touched their foreheads together. If this was a different circumstance, Essek would be soaring. A small part of him completely forgot about the raging battle around them. That part focused on the presence of the man next to him. The wood burning autumn scent now mixed with the iron-y tinge of blood. That part of him noticed how close they were. Faces mere inches apart. Essek felt his heart jump into his throat. Then Caleb pulls back, the moment ending as quick as it began.

The ferver gained from this interaction was short-lived as Jester fell. Her bloody and broken corse strewn to the side carelessly. It was then that things started to go so very wrong. Jester was back thanks to Caduceus, mere seconds after she fell, but Esseks attention immediately went elsewhere. Caleb clutched at his torso with a grunt of pain as he fell, unconsciousness taking his form. Essek didn't even know he was capable of the rage that followed. He screamed and tore the very fabric of gravity itself around Lucien.

Then the battle field changed. It was no longer the fleshy horror of a city, but now a calming forest surrounding him. He looked forward to see the Mighty Nein - happy and smiling - with a hand outstretched towards him. It was Caleb. Caleb was calling him over to join them. Excitement burbled into him as he rushed towards the sight. It was only when he reached his destination he realized he had made a grave mistake.

The image of Caleb's torn and sundered body is one that will never leave Essek's mind. The sound it made as his lifeless corpse fell to the ground. The look he gave as the light left his eyes. It haunts him. The amount of terror, rage, pain and guilt he felt in that moment was immesruable. The world faded around him. Only being able to see the bloody shell of what once burned so bright. He fell to his knees, not hearing the final cries of battle around him. Essek's hands shook with emotion as he reached out to grab one of Caleb's. Those bright blue eyes he once knew were replaced by the vacuous expanse of emptiness and cold. He didnt hear the clerics rushing over and saying their prayers. He didn't hear the rest of the group trying to stifle their tears. He only stared into those eyes. Essek didn't breathe until Caleb inhaled once more.

Thoughts swirled around his head like an ocean of violent emotion. He can't trance like this. Essek stood up - trying his best to not wake his sleeping friends - and walked outside.

The calming reverie of the grove helped clear his mind a bit from these nightmares. He wandered around the exapanse, his hand tracing the occasional gravestone as he went. Eventually he came to the edge of the perimeter. Tall crystalline tree-like growths sprouted forth infront of him. Glowing ever so faintly. It was beautiful, the garden around him. So Essek sat and let himself soak up the tranquility of the nature around him.

It wasn't until he heard the rustle of footsteps that he opened his eyes.

"Its a bit late to be wandering the grove by yourself," Caleb noted, taking a seat next to Essek.

"Just… needed to clear my mind a bit." He replied.

"Ja, I get it. That was… a lot." Caleb laughed softly, a small smile playing on his lips. Essek found himself enraptured in the sound.

Caleb looked down, his brow furrowing ever so slightly as if deep in thought. He turned to look at Essek with a burning intensity. "Thank you, Essek."

Essek was taken aback by this. "For what?"

"You didn't have to come with us. You didn't have to risk your life just because I asked. And yet, you came anyway. Thank you." Caleb spoke softly. Appreciative.

Essek's mind whirred with thoughts. He didn't know how to respond. "I…" he trailed off. "Of course I.." Of course I had to come. You asked me to. I would do anything you asked. He didn't say. Instead, settling upon, "Of course I came. I care for you all more than any Dynasty or Empire. And I owe you this much."

Caleb shifted a bit at that. His hands fidgeted for a moment as he looked away. He moved his hand to touch Essek's. The touch was minimal. Almost unoticable to anyone but himself. Essek nearly jumped at the contact. A familiar tingling setting into his stomach.

Caleb's hand slowly grabbed Essek's, calloused fingers meeting smooth ones. Essek tried to map every detail. Every little feeling of the other man's hand in his. Entirely focused on the heat covering his skin.

"What do you plan to do after this?" Caleb inquired.

That startled Essek out of his reverie. "I.. I honestly do not know." He mumbled out. He couldn't go back to the dynasty, not with his situation like this. Could he go back to the outpost? Would that be safer? He was still responsible for people up there. He hadn't noticed himself squeezing Caleb's hand. At least, until Caleb squeezed back.

"What about you?" Essek asked, trying to shift the focus. "What do you plan on doing now?"

Caleb pondered for a moment, before responding with "There is still a few issues I need to take care of. I still have to help fix my home. Remove a cancer before it can spread."

Then, silence. It wasn't uncomfortable, per say, but something hung in the air. After a few moment in this quiet, Caleb turned and placed Essek under the intensity of his gaze. Those blue eyes bore into him with such a warmth. And Essek craved it. He craved to feel those eyes wash over him. He needed to see those eyes, alive and burning with a fiery passion.

The immense gravity of what he almost lost crushes him. The man sitting next to him, tenitivly holding his hand, died. If things hadn't worked out so well, if something different happened, he wouldnt have Caleb here next to him. That thought broke him. His eyes dropped down to look at the ground. Apperently he wasnt doing a very good job at hiding his emotions at the moment, because Caleb's face fell. He frowned and scooted closer to cup Essek's cheek.

"What's wrong, Shaltz?" Caleb asks tenderly. His thumb rubbing Essek's Cheekbone.

Essek looked up at him, and put his other hand on Caleb's as if to confirm that he was really here. "You… died Caleb… you died and I couldn't do anything. What if Caduceus and Jester didn't get there so quickly? What if something went wrong? What if-"

"I'm here. I'm ok. Everything is ok." Caleb cut him off. His voice gentle and soothing.

It was only then that Essek met his gaze. Caleb smiled softly, and Essek realized how close they were. Caleb's breath ghosting over Essek's lips. Essek forgot how to breathe. He could only focus on the feeling of Caleb so close to him. So close and yet not close enough. If he could just close the few inches… It took every ounce of self control that Essek had to steady himself. His pounding heart, the swarm of butterflies in his stomach. He knew he was staring. How could he not? Small freckles speckled across Caleb's face, framed by vibrant red hair.

The hand placed on Essek's cheek moved to the back of his neck, and Essek froze. Caleb painstakingly leaned in. So slow, so excruciatingly slow. As if to give Essek time to back away. To leave. But he didn't. And their lips met. The kiss was so soft, almost featherlight, and Essek's mind went blank. He could only focus on the sensation of Caleb's lips on his, how they were chapped and warm and perfect.

Caleb pulled back, a breaths distance between them. In all of his study of time, all Essek wanted to do now was stop it on that moment. It was over far too soon. Just the smallest brush of lips. He wanted it to last longer. He wanted more.

Essek leaned back in, crashing their lips together. This time the kiss was more desperate. As if scared that the other would pull away. Essek relished in the feeling. The heat of the man so close to him spreading to every inch of his body. Their lips fit together perfectly. Moving together and pressing into eachother. Essek moved his hand to Caleb's head. His fingers combing through the strands of coppery red. It was perfect. He wanted to remember every little sensation. He wanted to chart every little movement. His heart was beating so hard in his chest. He wants this to last forever.

They separate after what feels like a lifetime to catch their breath. Caleb's mouth is still parted as he gasps for breath. Essek savors the taste of Caleb on his lips as his breathing begins to steady. Part of him wants to reach out. To take Caleb's mouth once more. But Caleb speaks before this is possible.

"That was…."

He doesn't need to complete the sentence. Essek already knew.

And they gravitated towards each-other once more.

[yfere]

Casting the M9: The Good Place

Beau: Picture an angry and resentful, accidental Chidi. Needs to embrace the books more for peak Chidi, but the rippling muscles are already there. 

Caleb: Imposter #1, Bren Aldric Ermendrud was never supposed to get into the Good Place, he was objectively the worst person, oh gods what is he supposed to do how can he survive here should he reveal himself? Who is this Good Person Caleb Widogast supposed to be?

Veth: Imposter #2, got into heaven as a goblin named Nott due to some cosmic paperwork mistake, this is her worst nightmare, everything Nott is supposed to love she hates. Figures out this is the Bad Place.

Jester: Definitely supposed to be here, perfect in life, perfect person, what do you mean there are no family complexes here

Fjord: Is there a Neutral Place? Not sure whether he should be here in the good place but doesn’t think he did anything so wrong in life either. Sort of a blah life, honestly? Adopts a new personae so he will seem to fit in with the Good People, making him nearly an Imposter. The demons in the Bad Place attempt to recruit him as a double agent.

Caduceus: Janet. Jester wants the Janet powers so badly, but the one who knows all and has the powers is Caduceus. Has been killed too many times, is growing in strange and exciting ways. Has fun relationships with all the other Janets Clays

Molly: That demon who really just wants to be an Actor. Gets too into the role. Is at one point turned into goop.

Yasha: Also a demon who is not really great at acting but is oddly relieved to be able to dodge the “causing people misery” racket. Very soft.

BONUS--Essek: The Architect. Thought this was a great plan for torture. Did not plan on liking his victims. Did not plan on growing morals. Did not plan on overturning The System. What is he doing. What is his life

BONUS--The Traveler: The Judge. Not actually interested in cosmic justice so much as being entertained by his latest TV obsession. Fickle. Very biased towards Jester.

[thebadluck]

Day four of the @essek-week ! Today’s prompt was Guilt/Family and this time I choosed both!

Under the cut is the prompt if you want to read it here!

He had dreamed of that day again and it wasn’t the first time that he did it that week, but for that reason it wasn’t more pleasant to wake up remembering one of the worst moments in his life.

Lately in fact he didn’t stop having nightmares about that and everything had been because he have been asked from his friends about what was the thing for which he felt the most guilty.

And his response had been, the argument with his father that led to his death.

After that, he had started to dream more about it and sometimes he had dreamed about his brother, about Verin having the same fate as their father.

One of the things that Essek hated the most in his youth was being disturbed while he was studying or working and when he lived under the same roof as the rest of the members of his Den, it was something that happened very often.

Most of the time the two people who used to annoy him, if he counted the servants of the house, were his father or his brother, both so alike in many ways that it was ridiculous. In his case, he was told that he looked more like his  mother and that suited Essek as if he had been kicked in the stomach.

By that time, Essek had already quietly begun to consider that luxon beacons were much more than what he had been led to believe throughout his life if not that there was something else worth studying but that it was going to be something that would be very difficult because no one was going to want to try.

Lucky for him in his house there was hardly anyone from his family, his mother, being the Umavi of Den Thelyss, was a busy woman, his brother was almost always training to be able to enter the Aurora Watch and his father, a soldier too that if he hadn’ been a member of the den Thelyss he wouldn’t have gone so far in his military career within this in his opinion, he was almost always either working or training his youngest son. Essek was sure that Verin was his father’s favorite but it wasn’t something that bothered him, he knew that his father and he were two different souls, that they did not fit, in the same way that he didn’t feel that he fit with the rest of the dynasty. .

Again, not that he really cared about it, he was busy, he had important work to do now that the Bright Queen had given him the position of Shadowhand, they said he was the youngest in the history of the dynasty and he knew he had a lot to prove.

Everybody knew that, everyone knew that it was better not to bother him but his father had to go that day to bother him, sometimes Essek looked for an excuse in the conversation that would exonerate him for what happened, it was easier to believe that his father was the culprit than not weigh your part in the blame for his death.

“Essek, son, are you busy?” he asked, entering what was now his new office, courtesy of his proud Umavi, without knocking.

“What kind of question is that?” he replied. It was obvious that he was, he just had to see the state of his desk was, crammed with papers to such an extent that one could think there was no table.

“Yeah, I imagined you were” observed his father with a tired smile “but I hope you have a moment available to talk to your father”

“Well … you’ve already interrupted so I suppose I can attend to you” he confirmed.

If he thought about it too, he realized that he had never spoken to his father as a son would, rather he treated him as if he was dealing with somebody else.

But his father didn’t take it the wrong way, he never took anything wrong, he seemed to be content with everything and that irritated him , did his father not want anything better? Did he accept everything that happened in his life without complaining or waiting for a change? Essek sometimes wanted to provoke him, see if he could do something that would make him react, explode.

And that day he did it.

“So … what do you want from me? What can I do for you? “ he asked when he saw that his father had just sat on the other side of the desk without saying anything.

"I am going to leave shortly on an expedition to the Umbra Gates of Bazzoxan” he informed him.

“Why?” Essek asked. His father was neither a strong soldier nor a great leader, and the Umbra Gates were one of the most dangerous places in all of Xhorhas.

“Because I have been assigned that mission, Essek” he replied without losing his calm.

“I see” he was surprised but he didn’t want to say anything more about it.

“You sound … surprised, not worried but surprised” he observed.

“Indeed, I am” not point on denying that.

“I like to believe, right now, that in your way you are also worried” observed his father and Essek preferred not to answer that “May I ask you why? You are my son, Essek, I think I know you well enough to know when something impresses you or when something does not please you or when you are upset, I may feel a connection with your brother but you are also my son and as I said, I know you ”

Essek doubted that, he doubted that even someone really knew him but again, he said nothing, that must be the closest thing to a reaction on the part of his father, no matter how wrong he was, it was already something. And he wasn’t going to deny that he was surprised but this time, seriously.

“Don’t get me wrong, father” he said gently “but I know you too and with all your … hard work … you won’t make it, I know you and if you go there, you won’t come back ”

“By the light, son, you’re making it sound like you don’t believe in me”

“I don’t, father” replied the youngest.

Again, if he stopped to think about it, that day he was quite cruel with his words towards his father, perhaps it was because of that game of wanting to anger him or get to see him upset with him but over the years he had come to realize that that he had been especially cruel to his father the last time they spoke and all because he had annoyed him by interrupting him.

“Excuse me? What have you said?” asked his father. Clearly waiting for him to change what he just said.

“I said that it is true that I don’t believe in you” he repeated “Father, you’re …… a good father, at least to Verin, because I know that you don’t like me as much a you like him "and he didn’t care about it either” but you’re not anything else … I saw you and I see … well … nothing more than that, I guess that you’re just … less ambitious than me but I don’t think you aspire to anything more than what you have “and he didn’t even want to add that probably everything he had was due to the name Thelyss more than his own merits” it’s kinda a shame that you have so little vision but I don’t blame you, almost no one has it"

His father looked like he was about to get up and slap him across the face and he was guiltily enjoying it.

“How dare you, boy?” his father of him sounded to see annoyed with him “You think you know everything, don’t you? Essek, just because you’re a genius, just because you think you’re the best at everything, doesn’t mean you are. You don’t know anything, my son, you don’t really know anything about anyone or me or your mother or your brother, that’s a real shame, how smart you are and how little you really know. What if I’m just happy with my life as it is? Have you ever stopped to think that not everyone is like you or your mother? Not because, as I told you, I know you and I know that you have never thought of anyone other than yourself and mark my words, one day, you will regret it “

And after that he left, Essek didn’t actually see his father again nor he a nobody because his father went to the Umbra Gates and never came back, just as he had said. He tried not to think about it for a while until Verin was appointed Taskhand of Bazzoxan, he thought that hopefully his brother wasn’t going to end up the same way.

And his father was right, he hadn’t thought of anyone other than himself until he met that strange group of mercenaries who thwarted his plans.

[spottedenchants]

Kindness Silence and Noghtmares with Yasha

oh boy, here's a closer glance at the angst around 2.5 years post-campaign :^)

44. kindness + 55. nightmare + 78. silence (Essek + Yasha)

~

Torchlight makes a living star map of Zadash’s streets. The air nips, the clouds sag. Winter’s darkest night retreats as time marches alongside the usual Crownsguard patrols.

At this distance, from an Archive spiretop, they look as insignificant as ants. Essek pinches them between disguised fingertips- step, step, squish.

It’s not their fault. Even ants mean something to someone somewhere, too. Trembling, he takes Yasha’s hand again, squeezes it tight instead.

Yasha squeezes right back.

There is a kindness in Yasha’s presence, in the way she takes up space. She can shrink to a wallflower’s petal as much as encompass a storming sky, and no one else has quite evoked the same comfort such a range allows.

It is one thing to know fear, yet another entirely to understand it.

Yasha understands, knows without knowing; silence is its own conversation.

Or, it would be, if Essek could keep himself quiet. But something’s broken in his coldest heart of hearts and it’s all he can do to cling against her warm side as if that will separate nightmare from reality. And how selfish is that? To call the impending days nightmares as though he is the one currently riddled with them instead.  “He’ll be alright.”

Yasha has said this.

“We’ll figure this out.”

She’s said this, too. “I think you’ll be a really good part of it in time.” The worst part is, he believes her, and ‘in time’ is not ‘now’. So he will go. Not forever, most likely. Nothing so dramatic, despite how deep this self-centered pain runs.

Leaving for a while- it’s really for the best. Tomorrow, he will go, alone. Tonight, Yasha watches the city with him, an arm draped in protection and warmth.

He’s not so lonely anymore.

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E80 (October 15, 2019)

Tonight’s guests are Matt Mercer and Taliesin Jaffe!

Announcements: The collected edition of the first six-issue run of Vox Machina: Origins is available in trade paperback format at your local comic and retail shops! (The standard, hardcover edition is also now available in both the US and UK Critical Role online shops.) Pub Draw is back on Wednesday at 5 PM Pacific, featuring special guest Mica Burton! Undeadwood, the four-part supernatural miniseries featuring Brian as Game Marshal, premieres this Friday at 7 PM Pacific (VOD available immediately for Twitch subscribers, then up on YouTube on Sundays)!

Episode 80: The Folding Halls

Stats for episode 80: Caduceus received the campaign’s 40th whisper to insight check Allura. Taliesin has received the most whispers this campaign, with 17. Caduceus rolled his 10th Natural 1, disregarded thanks to Warcaster. (There’s a brief digression into the Brave Little Toaster-esque adventures the Golden Snitch must be having.) It’s been 90 days since the Mighty Nein were last in the Heirloom Sphere. Nott called Allura four misnomers (Beau chimed in with one). Matt sighs heavily. “Yeah.”

Allura’s reintroduction was mainly related to the logical development of how Yussa’s circumstances would’ve evolved, and Matt figured it would be fun to have the connection to the Arcana Pansophical... and bringing Allura in just followed naturally, of course. Of course. (Also because it was fun.)

“The minute the description kicked in, it was definitely some candy. Okay, this is nice, this is everything I needed right now.” Taliesin points out that Caduceus just loves meeting new people anyway, especially if they seem chill. He’s hoping this might be something that mellows the group a little.

Taliesin’s expression during the insight check on Allura? “I was entirely fucking with everyone at the table. I was just trying to make some weird faces to try to mess with Travis.”

Matt found it “pretty strange” to bring Allura back, particularly since 20 years have passed. “It was wild to step into her again, especially with an entirely new surrounding.” It was also a bit harder than he expected given the players’ particularly rambunctious reactions. But in the end it was like putting on a favorite coat and finding it still fit.

Taliesin: “Caduceus is like my version of Grog at this point. I can get away with a lot of things I couldn’t get away with otherwise.”

Best/worst nicknames the players have come up with for Matt’s cool shit? It’s more the NPC names that get him. Jamedi Cosko, auditors, Purvan (”but I should’ve known better; it’s my fault for not saying it out loud”).

It’s strongly implied that Taliesin may have stabbed Julius Caesar. As you do.

Cosplay of the Week: an amazing Raven Queen (sacook03, photo by emi_d_123)!

Caduceus genuinely hasn’t thought about how the Happy Fun Ball is completely artificial and hence might be outside the purview of the Wildmother. “I don’t think he understands what the Ball is enough to be really disturbed by it yet.” As far as he knows, they just got teleported to a forest somewhere. The “M.C. Escher nightmare in front of us” might be enough to clue him in next episode. Caduceus typically gets his reactions from everyone else, depending on whether he thinks they might be on-base or off-base.

Brian: “You don’t have to say it so much sexier than I did!” Matt: “Of course I do!”

Caduceus feels pretty justified in all his previous assertions that the Nein should be more honest now that it’s been confirmed that the Bright Queen is spying on them. “Let’s just put everything on the table. Put stuff out there, see what happens. It sounds good in theory, I’m well aware.” Matt wasn’t expecting the reveal of the spying to happen as soon as it did.

Taliesin: “You gotta save your mistruths for the moments when it’s going to help make somebody a better person.”

Matt mentioned on a previous Talks that the Heirloom Sphere was just supposed to be a fun one-off adventure, and he wasn’t expecting the group to hold onto it and then hand it off to a more powerful mage. He realized that Yussa would immediately have been interested in it, and as time went on, he thought about what would have developed, and realized Yussa would’ve been a bit too curious and arrogant not to try wandering in. “A lot of it was just rationalizing those possibilities, and then tying in the elements of the Laughing Hand.” Matt noticed that Laura brought it up as a possibility in an earlier episode after a subtle hint.

Caduceus is hoping that this is “finally going to be the moment where everyone starts working together the way they do in his head”, which is part of why he keeps checking in on the others right now. He’s aware that there are a lot of temptations in this place.

Allura saw some similar elements between the M9 and VM (mainly that they were so quick to offer up information about themselves to help out). She’s honestly mostly fine with guiding them because it means she doesn’t have to go in the Happy Fun Ball.

Caduceus basically considers all interactions with flora and fauna a success. “Never hurts to be polite. But, honestly, it’s not about cooperation, it’s just about being polite and respectful of your environment. If the local flora and fauna are being irritable, it honestly probably has very little to do with him.”

“The frog hurt. I will admit, the frog hurt.”

Fave piece of lore Matt’s gotten to drop? “The recent episode was really fun to help Beau connect the dots between the Laughing Hand and the Halls.” He’s also really enjoyed giving information about some of the more “vague inconsistencies” with the Angel of Irons. Also anything with the Kryn Dynasty and the Luxon; he likes getting to move out of the usual lore of D&D to surprise the players.

Fan Art of the Week: Essek, Frumpkin, Caleb, and the dodecahedron (by bumblefly02)!

Caduceus sees himself as a bit of a spiritual guide to Fjord. “He’s looking for moments to have some conversation and reward some behavior.” Right now, he wants to talk to Fjord about how this is an ongoing process, not an immediate “cure”. Taliesin and Travis didn’t talk about this development ahead of time.

Matt notes that the group had a lot of options to develop closer relationships with allies, but when they said they were stopping by to see Yussa, he knew they might be “going the Allura path”, and he was secretly excited that’s the way it went. 

Taliesin: “We are the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of Exandria. We’re just hoping that we’re nobody’s nemesis at this point.”