#this is like. seventh grade. for context | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

delusional-day-dreamer · 1 year ago

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First. Love. Part² - p.b

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‣ paige bueckers x oc

‣ wc: 12079 (this took me way too long but I got carried away...)

‣‣ synopsis: background on paige and jenna's relationship, how they met, fell in love, and how paige ended up becoming jenna's first heartbreak and eternal muse.

‣‣‣ a/n: So High School Part 2 will be out soon (i have no idea where to take the plot in that series 😔), this is sort of a filler chapter in between the podcast episode in part 3 to give context. EDIT: I changed Jenna's major to be Business Economics with a minor in Film, Television, and Digital Media because it's more relevant for the later plot!

June 30th, 2016 (summer before freshman year; 14 years old)

Jenna's POV:

You didn't know how much more of this stupid city you could handle. You had just locked your front door behind you as you left to go to the pool inside your new neighborhood, excited to read a book you had bought the other day while sunbathing on a lounge chair.

Your parents had just uprooted your life and moved you from San Diego, California, land of sunshine, beaches, and only a small amount of criminal activity, to middle of nowhere Hopkins, Minnesota, right before you started high school with all of your old friends.

Of course you understood that this was for the better of your family, both of your parents had gotten new jobs at a huge hospital with far better pay than their previous ones, they found a beautiful house in a nice neighborhood close to what was going to be your new school, and living in your dad's hometown meant being close to his family.

However, none of these facts soothed the bitter taste in your mouth that formed at the thought of having to be the new kid, having no friends to hang out with for the rest of summer or to start school off with, no job or classes to distract your never-ending train of thoughts, and you didn't even have a sibling to act as your built in friend.

Regardless, you tried your best to adjust to your new, albeit lonely, life by distracting yourself as much as possible. Your parents had re-enrolled you in music lessons the same week you finished moving into your house, gave you an allowance to buy new clothes and hang out at the local mall, as you very quickly realized your Californian wardrobe would not fit the Minnesota weather, despite it being summertime (although you hadn't gone yet as you hated shopping alone), and you had even been going to the pool frequently with the hopes of meeting kids close to your age.

And it just so happened that today, your prayers had been answered. As you were walking down the street, the door to a house you had just crossed by across the street had barely opened before a small boy barrels out, closely followed by a taller, blonde girl who appeared to be around your age, locking the door behind the two of them. You weren't able to put a finger on it, but there was simply something about the girl that was mesmerizing, just a quick glance at her had you wanting to know more.

You had always known you liked girls to some extent, you always found yourself gazing at the t.v. in wonder at the beautiful girls displayed upon the screen. However, it wasn't until probably a hundred, "Am I Gay?" internet quizzes later in seventh grade you recognized the fact that you were queer and were in fact attracted to girls, you just didn't bother telling anyone about this revelation.

In particular, the girl in front of you invoked millions of questions that raced through your mind: who was she, was she your age, was she going to the same high school as you, and most importantly, why was she so pretty? Her blonde hair cascaded down her back with a slight wave to them, her white oversized t-shirt and black basketball shorts draped over her tall frame, and her voice that rang out as she scolded the little boy who ran in front of her to the end of their walkway.

God, her voice was the most intoxicating thing you had ever heard, luring you into her like a siren's song to the depths of the ocean. You swore you were floating at the twinkling sound of her laughter echoing around the block as she joked with, who you head her refer to as, her little brother.

You snapped out of your stunned daze and continued walking forward as she followed her little brother onto the main sidewalk, now almost parallel with your frame. You were mentally counting your blessings that she hadn't looked up enough to see your stalker-esque figure staring at her, although you were praying that she happened to be going to the pool as well (definitely not so you could look at her some more).

Truly, God had decided to pay special attention to you today, as your blonde neighbor grabbed her little brother's hand as she crossed the street, making her way towards you. You couldn't help but glance at her as she approached you, and you were taken aback by the shockingly blue eyes that met yours. You gave her a tight-lipped smile as she stepped up to the sidewalk just behind you, hoping your internal panic wasn't apparent on your face as you faced forward once again.

Your focus on taking deep breaths in and out to not embarrass yourself in front of the first person your age you've even made eye contact with in the last month is interrupted by the little boy running past you, gently bumping into your leg as he brushes past you. His short legs are working overtime to maintain a pace faster than both you and the pretty stranger, who had now jogged up next to you to keep close to her brother.

"Drew the pool isn't gonna run away by the time we get there, you gotta slow down buddy," She called out to the curly-headed child, turning her head to peer slightly down at you.

"Sorry about him, he gets really ahead of himself sometimes," She apologized on his behalf, her eyes scanning over your face. Before giving you a chance to reply, she continued on. "Are you new to the neighborhood? I don't think I've ever seen you around?" She questions, your heart slightly speeding up at the undivided attention she was paying to your face.

"No yeah I am, I just moved here from California," you replied, tucking your hands into the pockets of your shorts to avoid any nervous flailing.

"No way, that's so cool, I've always wanted to visit. Did you live next to the beaches? One of my old friends went there for vacation and she loved it, like she wouldn't shut up about how nice it is over there. I think she went somewhere close to LA. Wait are you going to the pool too?" Her outgoing demeanor surprised you. You had only seen her for the first time a minute ago, and she was already carrying you into a conversation about your old life.

"Yeah I did and I am, I lived in San Diego so the beaches there were really nice compared to the northern part. I miss being able to go there all the time, so I guess for now the pool will just have to do," you joked back, and your heart fluttered at the smile that broke out on her face.

It had appeared that you made your first friend in Hopkins, Minnesota, and unbeknownst to you, she would quickly become your first ever best friend. Then your first girlfriend, your first love, and then slowly, your first and last heartbreak.

April 4th, 2017 (spring break, freshman year; 15 years old)

Paige's POV:

"Dude there's no way you think pancakes are supposed to be better than waffles, they're so boring," I protested on my bed next to Jenna, rolling onto my stomach towards her and propping up my elbows so I could look at her. Jenna had somehow become my best friend within the span of two months during summer, and although I was unsure of when and how her presence became so prominent in my life in such a quick span of time, I was nothing but grateful.

We had started high school together and even had a class together everyday, which was a saving grace for both of us. She came to every single one of my home games this season, even some of the closer away games. She made it to more of my games that any person in my family did, which surprised me, but she just was always there for me somehow.

I was never the best at making friends outside of basketball, the sport was my comfort zone and it was always so much easier to relate to my teammates who felt the same. Yet, me and Jenna just clicked, despite our many differences. Hanging out with her quenches a thirst within me I didn't know I had. A thirst to be seen, to be heard and known, a desire for someone to see me past all my future athletic potential and to just see me, and without fail, she did that for me. Every. Time.

One of the things we discovered early into our friendship, the first time she came over to my house to hang out, were our matching initials. PB and JS, which we affectionately coined to be our nicknames, Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich (pretend pazzi does not own this nickname). Jenna always says that our matching initials are a sign from above, a sign that we're meant to stick by the other's side. We even bought matching necklaces with our initials over winter break as a mutual Christmas present, mine was silver and hers was gold.

Our parents loved the nickname as well, joking that it's the reason they can never separate us, as you just can't have one without the other. Our families somehow became intertwined over the course of our friendship as well, trading in between carpool duties, spending long weekends and the occasional holiday together, and even coming to cheer me on at my basketball games or watching Jenna's dance recitals from the class she took instead of P.E. We all even went out to eat together to celebrate me and Jenna's small freshmen year milestones, like our birthdays.

Hers was a bit before mine, September 21st, 2001, which made her just slightly older than me. Apparently according to the Minnesota school laws or whatever, Jenna is supposed to be in the grade above, but California has different age cutoffs so she's one of the oldest people in our grade.

She confessed to me before school started that she was nervous about being the eldest out of everyone, but I reassured her by saying that it just meant she could drive the two of us around and do a bunch of other things before everyone else could. That really helped.

She even let me into her secret world of music, I knew she took classes but until she played and sang for me, I didn't realize just how good she was. She was fairly shy when it came to her talent, and almost never played in front of people she wasn't comfortable with, which is why it felt like an honor when she played a song on the piano or guitar for me, or sang for or with me, whether it was playing from the radio or something small she wrote.

But the thing that really brought us closer together was when Jenna's parents had to go out of town from time to time for their medical conferences, which left her home alone. When she was younger, she always used to go with them, as missing school wasn't that big of a deal. But now, she ended up refusing, insisting that she would be alright home alone.

This didn't fly with either of our families, and our parents eventually came to the conclusion that Jenna could just stay over at our house when needed. It wasn't like me and Jenna didn't have sleepovers all the time anyways, and both me and Drew loved having her over. She even met my Mom and my two other little siblings, Ryan and Lauren. The three of them immediately took to her the way I did, entranced by her presence. She loved hanging out with them too, since she was an only child.

There was something about Jenna that somehow attracted people to her. Maybe it was her welcoming presence, the way she made you feel like the most important person in the world with the way she looked at you, or perhaps it was something appealing about her appearance. The small makeup she put on and the way she spent extra time styling her hair was always unnecessary in my opinion, I always thought she was the prettiest person in our grade.

Sometimes I wondered if the two of us were truly best friends. I know friends hang out a bunch like we do, they don't mind changing in the same room or even in front of each other, and they definitely feel comfortable enough to cuddle together in bed or while watching a movie. Right?

But sometimes I swear there's a weird fluttering in my stomach when Jenna's bare legs drape over mine on the couch, or sometimes my heart skips a beat when we're getting ready for bed and she just pauses while changing her shirt, intent on continuing our conversation even while standing in just her bra.

But it's okay for friends to do that right? I mean, I've only ever had crushes or thought boys were attractive, so everything I'm feeling is probably just from the fact that I've never had a best friend like Jenna. Sure, I've had a bunch of friends and teammates I'm really close to, but me and Jenna spend all of our time together, and there's almost nothing we wouldn't do together. Sometimes, we just take turns showering while the other person stays in the bathroom just so we can keep talking.

Which led the two of us up to now, spending spring break sprawled out on my bed at 9pm, arguing about whether waffles or pancakes were better. We never had any real arguments, but with me and Jenna both being super competitive and never wanting to be wrong, we always had long discussions "fighting" about meaningless topics.

"Pancakes are so much smoother and like, enjoyable to eat compared to waffles, plus waffles end up crispy at the edges and they just end up tasting weird," She insisted, adjusting herself from her back to her side so she could argue with me face to face.

Her hair fell over her shoulder when she moved, leaving her shoulder exposed as her, no, my sweatshirt had slightly slouched down as it was big on her. Jenna wasn't exactly short, she was around 5'5, it's just that I happened to be even taller.

"Girls, come down for dinner please," my step-mom yelled from downstairs before I could even snap out of my distracted state to argue back.

"Coming Mrs. Bueckers," Jenna took the initiative to yell back slightly when I didn't respond in time, still in shock as to why I ended up staring at my best friend, distracted by her bare shoulder in my clothes. Me and Jenna always shared clothes, we even kept clothing and toiletry spares in each others rooms for spontaneous sleepovers. So why was her wearing my sweatshirt, in my bed, so different this time?

Whatever the reason was, I didn't have time to even think it over before Jenna got up from next to me, grabbing my hands with hers so she could yank me up as well, complaining that she was hungry. She kept our hands interlocked as we left my room, walking down the stairs hurridley. It was a miracle she didn't notice that for some reason, her soft, warm hands in mine had left a barely noticeable blush on my cheeks.

October 28th, 2017 (sophomore year; 16 years old)

Jenna's POV:

"Come on J hurry up, it's just a stupid party," Paige walked into your bathroom as you were almost finished curling your hair. "I'm on my last section P chill, I'll be done in a minute," you reassured her reflection. The two of you were invited to a Halloween party, but apparently you weren't supposed to dress up since technically it's not Halloween yet? (skinny jeans were the shit in 2017 but I can't bring myself to write that that's what they're wearing 😔)

You were both confused about it but the junior who invited you guys, Alexa, was one of your friends from math class. You were sat together on the first day and despite both of you struggling here and there, you often got the concepts a little bit quicker than her, so you always helped her when possible. And in return, she got the two of you an invite, well technically she invited you but everyone knows you and Paige are a package deal, to one of the biggest house parties of the school year.

It was also going to be the first party you were ever going to, and you both agreed to not go overboard on the drinks, since your aunt cristina, who was visiting, was going to pick and drop you in her car. Your mom's sister couldn't have chosen a better time to come visit, as both of your parents were working the night shift tonight and Paige's parents allowed her to sleepover at your house since your aunt was supposed to "supervise".

"See, I'm ready, let's go," you told Paige as you finished your hair with a thin layer of hairspray, moving past her into your room to grab your phone and keys. Your parents had gotten you a used Ford F-150 truck (so gay) so it would be easier for you to drive to school, with Paige of course, since they both started working longer hours now that you were old enough to take care of yourself and so that they could retire earlier.

You both made your way downstairs to your Aunt Cristina on the couch, watching tv while waiting for you to finish getting ready. "Ready to hit the road girls?" She got up to turn off the tv and grab her things from around the living room.

"Yup, thank you again for taking us, and for not telling our parents," Paige responded on your behalf as well. It was typical of adults to love Paige, she was always the most respectful and responsible kid in their eyes, even when thanking your aunt for driving you to a party so you could drink responsibly.

"No problem, I'd rather you girls be safe while having fun, no point in sneaking out if I'm here for you," She joked as you moved to get in her car, and within ten minutes, the three of you were pulled up outside the address Alexa had given you.

"Now please just remember to be safe, have fun, drink responsibly, don't leave your drinks unattended, don't try drinks from random people, keep your phone on you, don't leave each other's side," Your aunt was rambling off safety rules to the two of you in the backseat. You thought it was ironic she had to mention for you to stay together as if you ever left each other's side anyways.

"Yes Auntie C of course," You promised her as you moved to open the car door, "We'll be safe and I'll text you, love you, thanks, bye!" You closed the door the second Paige climbed out from the backseat, eager to walk into the house you could hear music blaring out of.

Before you knew it, the two of you were sitting pressed up together on a couch in a crowded living room, two red solo cups in hand with sprite and vodka. You and Paige were tipsy from the past two hours of drinking, a warm fuzziness settled into our brains, making the circle of people around us funnier than they probably were.

"No you know what we should play, seven minutes in heaven!" A drunk junior called out mid-conversation. You weren't really absorbing anything that was being said around you until that, and the loud cheers that erupted from the living room at the suggestion.

"Everybody gather around in a circle on the floor, whoever spins it has to go in the guest bedroom with the person it lands on for seven minutes," Alexa called out to everyone as she reached for an empty beer bottle behind her, before moving to sit on the floor.

"D'you wanna play?" Paige asked quietly next to you. You could tell she was hesitant on joining, and would only sit down if you went with her or dragged her with you.

"Why not, what are the chances we get picked anyways?" You decided, downing the last sip of your drink before setting it down on the floor, pulling Paige off the couch with you and into the circle.

"Before we start," Alexa loudly interrupted the conversation of the circle as she placed the beer bottle in the middle, causing everyone to quiet down and listen to her. "If you get picked to go in the room, you do not, and I repeat do not, have to do anything. The room stays unlocked the whole time, and you can't force the other person to do anything, even kiss," She insisted, making eye contact with every person in the circle before sitting back down in her spot.

"Agreed?" She asked everyone, and only allowed the game to start after hearing a response from everyone.

The game started and by the fourth round, everyone except one couple had clearly used the seven minutes to their advantage, coming out with tousled hair, bruised lips, and one girl even came out with a visibly red hickey on her neck. You and Paige had yet to be picked, and you felt a sense of relief that the two of you got to participate without having to actually play the game.

But, you suppose you must have spoken (or thought) too soon though, as you watched the next guy spin the bottle, and it slowed to a stop, the neck pointing right at you. Encouragements and cheers burst from the circle, urging the two of us to go in the room. You recognized who he was from around campus and his games, a junior volleyball player.

He got up from his seat, walking across the circle to you, and offering his hand to pull you up. You looked over hesitantly at Paige, who was barely meeting your eyes and had a small, tight-lipped smile on her face. Ignoring her reaction, you took his hand in yours and allowed him to hoist you up, dropping it the moment you stood in front of him.

You walked into the room first, sitting on the desk pushed up against the wall as he closed the door behind him and walked up to you, leaving a foot of space in between you two, presumably waiting for you to give him some sort of indicator.

"I'm sorry, I hope you don't really mind but I wasn't really planning on getting picked and I'm not comfortable, like, kissing you or anything so if you want to pick someone else I get it, I just don't want to," the nervous ramble poured out of you without constraint, the alcohol you had consumed making you more open-lipped than normal.

"Hey it's cool, you heard Alexa, you don't have to do anything if you don't want to," he shrugged, moving to take a seat on the edge of the queen bed in the room.

"Oh, thank you, I guess. I didn't think you would be so cool about your turn being wasted," You settled on top of the desk properly, turning to face the boy who was surprisingly chill.

"Nah it's whatever, I just broke up with my girlfriend like a month ago too, so I don't really care. I'm Jeremy by the way," he introduced, bringing one foot off the floor to rest over his other knee, leaning slightly back onto the bed.

"I'm Jenna, this is my first party so I wasn't really sure how all of this was gonna go."

"Jenna, I swear I've heard your name before," he paused, thinking for a moment. "Ohh, you’re the one who's friends with the basketball girl, Paige something right?" He suddenly remembered.

"Yeah I came with her tonight, she's my best friend," You smiled, talking about Paige was one of the easiest things in the world for you. You knew everything about her, inside and out, and majority of people knew you through her, since her athleticism made her quite popular around school. You never minded being known as Paige's best friend though, you knew you had your own identity and Paige always reminded anyone who referred to you as that, but there was a certain comfort that your friendship was strong enough for even a stranger to know that about you.

You and Jeremy continued small talking about school and a little bit about his ex-girlfriend before a knock rang out from the door, signaling that your time was up. He got up before you and held the door open as you walked out, instantly being bombarded with excited whoops and teasing "oooo's" as you walked to join the circle again.

"We didn't even do anything, guys" Jeremy emphasized to the circle, attempting to calm the rambunctious circle.

"Then why is she red as a tomato? The girl couldn't be blushing harder if she tried," a random girl in the circle yelled out, revving up the groups fever.

"She's like sixteen, chill out. Besides it's probably cause all of you," Jeremy backed you up as you walked over to your previous seat, but before you sat back down, you realized Paige was no longer there.

"Where did Paige go?" You asked the group before the next person could spin the bottle, causing eyes to shoot up at you.

"She went to the kitchen for a refill, so probably still there," Alexa informed you. You nodded at her before walking away, searching for your missing best friend.

You didn't have to look for long before you found her taking a shot in the kitchen with two other random girls, her face souring heavily at the alcoholic taste. You knew Paige hated the taste of alcohol and was never one to submit to peer-pressure, so why was she taking a shot of tequila with strangers?

"Hey P," you walked up to her, resting your hand on her bicep to draw her attention to you.

"Hey J," she responded dryly, but her voice was slightly slurred, moving her arm out of your hold to swap out the shot class for a full solo cup you could only pray she filled herself.

"You wanna leave soon? It's already like one ish?"

"Sure, whatever," she took a long sip from her cup, downing half of whatever she had poured in it.

"Okay, we can wait outside, let the cold air sober us up a bit before Auntie C gets here," you gently pried the red plastic cup out of her hand before grabbing her hand and leading her out to the living room, saying bye to the small amount of friends you knew before walking outside.

The two of you settled onto the edge of the curb at the ending curve of the sidewalk, just far enough from the house to get a little quiet. The stuffed house had been slightly humid, and the light breeze was a refreshing contrast to your previous environment.

"How was it?" Paige's question broke the quiet but tension-filled bubble the two of you had formed.

"How was what?"

"Your seven minutes in heaven," Paige drunkenly mocked.

"P, we didn't do anything. Like, anything anything," you were confused at her attitude, did she know something about Jeremy, or dislike him for some reason?

"You, you didn't kiss him?" The shock was apparent on her face. "The second you left everyone was talking about Jeremy and Jenna kissing in a tree, it was really annoying," she grumbled, you concluded that the alcohol she had consumed must be what was making her weird.

"No way P, I don't want my first kiss to be like that. Forced and with someone I don't even know, let alone like," you scooched closer into her, resting your head on her shoulder.

You awaited a response from her but never get one, she simply leaned her head on top of yours as you waited in a comfortable silence for your ride, which came quickly.

*small time skip*

You had just finished your short skincare routine and were finally ready to climb into bed with Paige, the long night had taken its toll on you, and you were ready to collapse into the warm embrace of your best friend. But tonight, when you laid down next to her in bed, she didn't immediately cuddle into you like she always did, remaining flat on her back, staring at your ceiling.

Instead, she turned over to face you, only a few inches of space were left in between your faces as she whispered to you, "Why didn't you kiss him?"

Her question shocked you. The two of you rarely visited the topic of romantic relationships or feelings of the sort, and both of you agreed that you weren't interested in the thought as of right now.

"I," you paused. You had never officially come out to Paige, afraid that once she knew you liked girls, your every move would be scrutinized and judged, and your relationship would never be the same. But surely, you insisted internally, Paige wasn't going to be like that.

"I wasn't really interested in the thought of kissing a guy," You quietly admitted, rolling back over onto your back to avoid her gaze.

"Oh." That was it? You basically just came out to her and that's all you got?

"Would you ever kiss a guy? Or just," she paused, the hesitation clear in her voice. "Just girls?"

"No I would kiss both, I just don't think I want my first kiss to be with one? Or at least not Jeremy," you confessed quietly, turning your head back over to look at her. She was staring intently at you, scanning your face.

"Who would you want your first kiss to be with?"

"I don't know, but at least with someone I'm close to. Have you ever," you waited a moment before finishing your sentence, taking a deep breath in between your words.

"Have you ever thought about kissing girls? Or a girl?" You whispered, watching her slightly panicked reaction.

"A few times, but I've never kissed anyone either, so I don't know," Her eyes darted in between your eyes and down to your lips. "What if you kiss me? Just so we can both have our first kisses with someone we know," in retrospect, you should've thought harder before agreeing to kiss your previously assumed straight best friend. But her offer set off a flurry of butterflies in your stomach, your cheeks flushed deeply as you nodded.

You shuffled closer to her in bed, such that there was barely an inch of space separating your lips. "Are you sure about this?" You whispered, staring down at her lips while reaching your hand to cup her jaw, the other arm bent at the elbow to support your body above hers.

"Yeah," she nodded, looking down at your own lips, slightly moving in until your lips grazed against hers. You pressed your lips a little firmer into hers, slanting your head further as your lips barely opened. She moved in tandem with you, her hand resting at the nape of your neck as she kissed you back.

Your kiss only lasted a few moments, pulling back the second you registered the taste of alcohol still prominent in her mouth. You realized it was possible that the only reason your best friend asked you to kiss her was because she was drunk, sixteen, and very single.

"This isn't gonna be weird tomorrow is it?" Your brows furrowed as a worried expression settled into your face.

"No, why would it? Friends can kiss, besides we just won't make it weird," she promised. And despite knowing it was a stupid idea, an even stupider statement, you agreed. Collapsing down back onto your pillow, you opened your arms for Paige to snuggle into you, and the two of you drifted into a peaceful slumber.

February 3rd, 2018 (sophomore year; 16 years old)

Paige's POV:

It was a relief to finally find a quiet moment to myself, even if it was at three in the morning in the middle of my living room couch. Everyone in my house was asleep, including Jenna, who was still snoring when I extracted myself from her arms. The ac vent aimed straight at me caused me to pull the blanket tighter into my body, despite the pajama pants I was wearing and one of Jenna's hoodies.

We were almost done with basketball season and were currently playing our conference games, and were thankfully on a streak. And yet, the pressure inside of me continued to build, the need to be perfect and to support and carry my team throughout our games constantly weighing down on me.

Of course my teammates, coaches, family, and my other friends were supportive of me and encouraged me to try my best, and that no one expected perfection of me. But for whatever reason, I couldn't get rid of the anxiety that was constantly taking over my brain, sending me into spiraling panics over my future and my performance.

But throughout the past few months, the only person I felt like I could truly breathe around was Jenna, my lifeline. Despite not being involved in basketball in any way, she understood me and what I was feeling. She confided in me about her having chronic anxiety (GAD) the first time I slept over at her house, when I saw her medication on the dinner table.

She taught me breathing exercises and calming methods, held and comforted me when I cried in the middle of the night from the constant mental pressure, and even told me that I should slide around my initial charm on our matching necklace since it was a better nervous habit than biting my nails.

Even besides that, her presence in itself was a comfort to me, even if I wasn't yet sure of how deep my feelings for her went. She was the first friend I ever said "I love you" too, and I think the same goes for her. And it is true, I do love her with my whole heart, I would do anything she asked or needed of me, I just wasn't sure to what extent this love went.

Along with that, I was still unsure of where I stood with my sexuality. Before Jenna, I never thought about girls in a more than platonic way, but from the first few months of getting to know her, to our first kiss together (still the only time I've ever kissed anybody), to even now, where she was cuddled into my chest a mere thirty minutes ago, I felt electrifying sparks course through my body at her touch, she could make me blush with the most innocent of looks, and she made me giddy in a way even basketball didn't.

But despite all that, it's normal for best friends to love each other? It doesn't automatically mean being gay or being in love, you could just deeply care for the other person. Besides, Jenna never brought up the kiss again, which meant it had probably only happened due to both of our inebriated states.

It was as if my deep train of thought about her cause her to miraculously appear, I knew it was her just from the footsteps upstairs, the way she gently walked down the stairs to avoid a creaky step, and the way her sock-covered feet padded over to the couch, grabbing a throw blanket for herself before taking a seat in the corner end of the couch next as me.

We sat in silence as she reached over to the side of the couch, pushing the button to recline the seat back, unfolding the blanket and covering her bottom half before patting her lap for me once she was fully adjusted.

I all but threw my head into her lap, facing her body, as I extended my legs out onto the rest of the sofa as I moved my arms up hug the tops of her legs as her hands came up to gently scratch at my scalp, playing with my hair in a way that immediately relaxed me into her.

"M'sorry if I woke you," I whispered into her stomach, even though I wasn't actually sorry. I was selfishly happy that she came downstairs for me and would give up anything for us to have more of these quiet moments together, her attention solely focused on me.

"S'okay P, you technically didn't. I felt the bed was empty and then my spidey senses told me you were thinking too hard again, so I came to convince you to come back to bed, but then this beautiful couch looked way too comfortable, so we can just spend the night here," she sleepily mumbled, looking down at me sprawled out onto her lap.

"Tell me who or what is stealing our sleep so I can beat their asses," she joked quietly, her hands coming to rub at my temples.

I sighed, it felt as if her hands were physically melting the pounding in my skull, my headache nearly subsiding just from her touch.

"Just stressed out about everything again y'know? Basketball, school, life, kind of everything," I admitted quietly. The one thing I hated doing, was talking about things that bothered or upset me, it always made me feel weak.

"Hey, we are all so proud of you P. We all know how hard you're working and even though you feel like it, I promise that it's not all up to you. All the people around you love you, and we're all here to help if you need it. You just say the word and we'll all line up for whatever you need," she reassured me, only slightly teasing as her fingers moved to pinch my cheek lightly before moving back to my hair.

"Yeah I know, God really blessed me with you guys. Especially you, I don't know what I would do without you," I murmured up at her, smiling at her sleepy but happy expression.

"Yeah yeah, just say you love me Paige," she poked fun at me quietly, letting her head drop onto the cushion behind her without breaking eye contact with me.

"Hey I do love you J, I say it all the time," I retorted, using my fingers to draw small shapes on her pajama-covered thighs.

"Well I love you too P," her hands smoothed over my hair as she bent down to press a kiss on my hairline before reaching back up to settle into the couch.

"Just trust me, you just need to do all you can so God can do all you can't," she muttered, closing her eyes as she leaned her head slightly onto her shoulder to get comfortable, all without stilling her hands' movements in my scalp.

"Hey that's a sick quote, I'm stealing that from you for my interviews," I teased groggily, the lack of sleep slowly overcoming my voice.

"You can have anything you want from me P, you already know that," she didn't open her eyes when she said that, but I could hear the sincerity in her tone even without looking at her.

The two of us slept the whole night in the exact same position, unaware of everyone waking up to us cuddling on the couch together. My eyes only fluttered open at the sound of quieted laughter and the shuttering of two cameras pointed at the two of us.

As I rolled my head out of Jenna's lap to look at whoever had caused the disturbance, I squinted my eyes to see my dad with his polaroid and Drew using someone's phone. I groaned, burying myself back into Jenna, I probably would never hear the end of this, but it was alright, because it was with Jenna.

July 4th, 2018 (summer before junior year; 16 years old)

Jenna's POV:

"Jenna you need to slow down, I don't want you to throw up or anything," Paige insisted as she walked up to you, pulling you away from the living room of the house party you were in, preventing you from throwing back another shot. The party was hosted by a senior at the end of your neighborhood, just walking distance from both of your houses.

"What's your problem P, I'm just having fun," you argued back, doing your best to enunciate your words to prevent having a slur, knowing she would cut you off immediately if you got too drunk. You were pretty good at holding your liquor, somehow being a natural heavy-weight when it came to drinking.

"Come on Paigey, just lighten up a little, it's the fourth of fucking July, have fun with me. Ooo, we should do a shot together," you elbowed her side jokingly, looking up at her hesitant expression with your best puppy dog eyes.

Her concerned expression softened, you knew it was wrong of you to take advantage of the fact she could never say no to you, but she was the reason you were adamant on drinking to the point of memory loss tonight.

As shameful as it felt to admit it, your best friend had been haunting your every waking moment for the last few months, and you were desperate for an escape from your own thoughts. You always knew you felt something deeper than friendship for Paige, the way your heartbeat would speed up at every touch of her hands, the way you found yourself unable to tear your eyes off of her, on and off the court, and especially, the way you could not escape the mental replay of your kiss.

The press of her soft lips against yours, the slight vanilla taste from her chapstick you so often borrowed, the way the skin of her jaw felt so soft in the palm of your hand, and the way your body melted into hers, pressed against her warm figure.

So, like any reasonable sixteen year old, you were determined to get absolutely shit-faced tonight, to the point where you wouldn't even be able to remember your own name. And the only way that would happen, is if Paige stopped monitoring your every sip of alcohol.

"Okay fine, one shot, but that's it. We can't both be super drunk," She relented, allowing you to pull her back into the kitchen to pour yourself shots.

And just to your luck, Paige had run into a few friends and teammates, leaving you alone with a few class friends for what she intended to be only a few minutes, but ended up being a little over half an hour. Those thirty ish minutes were all you needed to take two more shots, chug one whiteclaw and two beers, and finish a cup of a vodka sprite.

By the time Paige came back, still mostly sober, she was pissed to see that you were plastered, hanging off the shoulder of some guy she could recognize, but was too mad to focus on. She couldn't figure out why you were drinking so much tonight, despite her warning, you were practically making yourself sick for the next day, and you wouldn't even tell her the reason you had been off lately, brushing it off with some bullshitted excuse of school or your parents.

"Yo, who's the blonde chick staring at you?" The random guy you were talking to asked, nodding his head towards Paige, who was leaned against one of the kitchen counters and boring holes into the guy's head.

"Paigeyyy," you called out, lifting your now very heavy head from his shoulder as he pointed out your best friend who was now within eyeline, a deeply annoyed expression settled into her otherwise soft features.

"Hey me and Jenna are gonna head out, it's already past two and she's clearly done drinking for tonight," Paige announced to the group of friends you were hanging out with as she moved towards you, gently guiding your arm over shoulder and pulling you away from the other guy.

"Hey she's fine," the guy you were previously all over slightly slurred, "What are you her babysitter or somethin?"

"Dude worry about yourself, you look like you’re two seconds away from passing out," she snapped at him before walking away, supporting around half of your weight as the two of you exited the house.

"You're always so good to me Paigey, always my taking care of me," you drunkenly mumbled into her shoulder, pressing yourself further into her in an attempt to warm yourself up with her body heat. The summer night in Minnesota wasn't too bad, but your lack of a jacket wasn't helping.

"We'll reach your house in like five minutes, you just gotta walk till there okay?" She spoke firmly, avoiding glancing down at your slouched figure attached to her.

"You're always my best girl," you continued your drunken ramble.

"Always there fo' me, you cuddle me and you kiss me, and you even walk me home," for some selfish reason, she didn't have it in her to stop you. She knew it wasn't fair to you, letting you pour your innermost thoughts or feelings out to her when you weren't in the right state of mind, but she couldn't bear to stop the compliments gushing from your mouth.

"No need to date anyone in the whole wide world when I have you. You're so much nicer than the other girls. Or boys. And prettier. You're the prettiest out of all of them. So pretty, even when you're all sweaty and gross in basketball. You even kiss nice, don't wanna kiss anyone else after you kissed me," she finally cut your mindless babble into her neck off.

"We're here, I need your keys," her voice was curt, almost like she didn't want to be with you anymore. You lifted your head out of the crook of her neck to fumble around the pockets of your jeans, finally pulling out your lanyard and holding it out for her.

She took it from your grasp quickly, unlocking your house and helping you in to take both of your shoes off and lead you up into your bathroom, sitting you on the closed toilet as she went into your room to grab a change of clothes for you.

You leaned your head back in the two minutes she had left, closing your eyes and barely drifting off when she re-entered the bathroom, waking you up so she could help you change and take off your makeup.

It wasn't until you were sitting against the headboard of your bed, watching her move around your room to collect stray clothes from the floor into your hamper that the two of you finally spoke again.

"Paigey are you mad at me?" the nickname slipped from your mouth once again as you questioned her quietly. Paigey was something that usually only Drew called her regularly, but for some reason it was the only thing you referred to her as when drunk.

"Yes Jenna, is that what you wanna hear? That I'm fucking pissed off at you? You've been acting weird for the last like, two months. And no matter how much I try, you won't open up to me, it's frustrating me," she exclaimed pausing her movements around the room to rant to you despite her better judgement telling her she shouldn't talk to you about this while you're drunk.

"And then tonight you're all over some random douche, pretending like everything is fine when you know it's not. Then you start spewing that bullshit about me I know you don't mean because you're drunk."

You stayed silent for a few moments before you responded, "'M sorry, I shouldn't have shut you out for something you didn't do. But saying I don't mean what I said? That's not fair and you know it."

"Stop it Jenna, I think that you should just go to sleep. You're so drunk, you're not even coherent anymore, and I don't want to have this conversation with you like this,"

"What if I just wanna tell you how pretty you are, or how nice you kiss? Or that I love-"

"Stop Jenna, please just stop," Paige shut her eyes, her voice sounding nearly painful.

"Please J, you're drunk and you don't mean it. You can't say things like that and not mean it to me, I can't take it," she begged.

"If I say it to you tomorrow will you believe me?" you whispered, hesitating before continuing.

"If I tell you I love you tomorrow, will you say it back? Will you mean it the same way I mean it?" you pleaded with her, desperate to hear that she felt the same way you did, that you weren’t the only idiot who had fallen in love with her best friend.

"I'm gonna sleep on the couch," she muttered, walking out of your room and closing the door behind her. You could feel your heart sinking, the tears burning in your eyes, threatening to pour out at the smallest movement.

You stare at the door for a few minutes, praying that Paige would change her mind, burst back in and say that she did love you too, that you weren’t alone. She would pull you into her, kiss you stupid, and cuddle you for the rest of the night.

But she didn't and you eventually cried yourself into an uncomfortable sleep, tossing and turning the whole night.

***the next morning***

Your eyes fluttered open from the sunlight beaming through my half-closed curtains. Your head was pounding, threatening to split in half as you turned over, burying yourself into the pillow underneath your comforter.

You tried my best to recall what had happened last night that left you nearly dead the next morning. As you fought to focus despite a dry throat, aching body, and throbbing head, a specific moment came pouring back.

There was no fucking way.

You told Paige, presumably straight Paige, your best friend ever Paige, that you loved her. You had gone on a whole fucking tangent about how pretty she was, how nobody could compare, and the fact that you loved her.

You shot up in bed, fighting every painful twinge in your body to reach for your phone, when you saw a water bottle with two advils on your nightstand. You quickly chugged them as you reached for your phone, unplugging it from the charger. That was something you had most definitely not remembered to do last night.

At 7:21 in the morning there was only one text from Paige.

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Peanut Butter 💜: Hey, my step-mom called me over to help her clean some stuff up. You went pretty hard last night so I left some water and painkillers for you, make sure you take them and eat breakfast. I'll see you later yeah?

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Fuck, did she not remember what had happened last night? No, that wasn't possible, she barely drank. Did she want to pretend like it never happened? Was it because she didn't feel the same about you? As it was, she didn't allow you to finish saying you were in love with her, and it wasn't like she said it back. Was she trying to avoid ruining your friendship?

She had texted you almost three hours ago, which meant your parents had to already be back from their night shift and everyone in her house was probably awake.

You threw your phone out onto your bed, slamming yourself back down and under your covers.

What were your options here? Either pretend like it never happened and continue hopelessly pining after your best friend, confess your feelings only to get rejected and ruin your friendship, or the least likely of them all.

You told her and she felt the same.

You thought long and hard about what to do. As much as it would hurt to only be something, continuing to hide your feelings, it would be worse to be nothing to her, right?

But if it had slipped out of you once, wasn't there the chance it could happen again? What if it was even worse the next time, what if it was in public and everyone ended up finding out.

It would be better to own up to the truth now, right? Right? Right, you decided.

You finally mustered up the courage to leave the safe haven of your bed. dragging yourself to the bathroom to freshen up (ESPECIALLY BRUSHING YOUR TEETH) before quietly exiting your house, walking across the street to hers.

You knocked on the door firmly, knowing the Bueckers weren't the biggest fans of using the doorbell.

"Jenna," Drew exclaimed as he opened the door for you, allowing you into the house you had quickly claimed as your second home.

"What's up little man," you greeted him while taking off your slippers, "Where's your sister?" You asked him.

You had made it a habit to call Paige, Drew's sister, when talking to him. You felt bad that people always mentioned him as Paige's little brother instead of taking two seconds to learn his name, so you always made the effort to make sure he felt seen.

"She's in her room, she said she was feeling weird when she came home and she won't leave her room," he told you.

Shit, that meant she did remember what had happened. Well, it was now or never.

"Thanks Drew, Hi Mrs. Bueckers," you waved to her in the kitchen as you made your way to the stairs, bounding up two at a time to reach Paige's room faster. Her door was shut when you reached, and you knocked lightly on the wood.

"Hey P, it's me," you called out through the closed door, waiting to hear her mumbled, come in, before turning the knob. She was laying down in her bed, putting her phone down as she looked up at you.

"How you feeling Jelly? You drank a lot last night," she asked quietly, her hands fiddling with the top of her comforter, something you knew she did when she was nervous.

"Not that bad," you moved to sit down next to her lying figure, gazing down at her exhausted face. You could tell she hadn't slept well last night either, surely from your intoxicated confession.

"Listen, I know I was really stupid last night, but what we were talking about in my room," Paige cut you off before you could finish.

"Hey it's fine, I get it. You were really drunk and you get kind of emotional at that stage, so it's not even a big deal-"

"Oh my god Paige will you let me even speak? I meant what I said last night," you interrupted. There was no way you would allow her to brush this under the rug the same way you let her pretend your kiss had never happened.

"You're not just my best friend, you're my everything. You mean the literal world to me, there's barely anything I wouldn't do for you, because I'm in love with you. I have been for a reallly really long time now, that's why I was trying to keep my distance. It hurt, being around you and pretending like my heart wasn't going to explode at nearly everything you said or did with me," you professed, watching her expression morph from faked nonchalance to shock, and slowly, a small smile broke out.

"You, you love me love me? Like, you're in love with me? In a more than friends way?" She sat up to face you fully as she questioned you, tucking her bottom lip into her mouth as she waited for your response.

"No shit Sherlock Holmes, it's almost like I said it like four times now, and you're still not-" she didn't let you finish your exasperated sentence before pulling you into her, pressing your lips firmly into hers.

You closed your eyes as you sighed into the minty kiss, melting into her hold as she moved her lips against you slowly, the rest of the world faded away as the two of you found peace in each other's embrace.

"You know you still haven't told me you love me back," you mumbled against her lips as the two of you separated a minute later, a wide grin stretched out across your face.

"No shit I love you too Sherlock Holmes," she teased, using the nickname you had come up with against you. "Have been for a while now, glad you finally noticed," she pulled you into her as she flopped down to lie down on her side, facing you.

The two of you continued to exchange light pecks and languid kisses, reveling in the comfort of your intertwined bodies in Paige's warm bed.

"Does this mean we're dating?" Paige pulled back to watch your face as she asked.

"Yeah P, this means you're my girlfriend now. Just mine, kay?" You beamed, caressing her cheek with your thumb.

"Got it, as long as you're only mine J."

December 23rd, 2019 (Winter Break, senior year; 18 years old)

Paige’s POV:

"I have no idea what that's supposed to mean," Jenna giggled at my response, her laughter rumbling her body against mine. She was currently sprawled over my body in tiny pajama shorts and a cropped tank top, her head laying on my chest as she wrote random words onto my left arm for me to guess, my other hand wrapped tightly over her waist, eliminating any space that may have been between us.

Jenna had finally finished all of her college applications and we both took our winter finals two weeks prior, leaving us to peacefully enjoy our Christmas and New Years together.

We had already been dating for over a year now, and if I wasn't completely and irrevocably head over heels for Jenna Smyths before, I most definitely was now. The two of us were already inseparable even before we started dating, but since last July it was almost like we couldn't spend go more than twenty-four hours apart, which our families had slowly started picking up on.

We never really told my family that we were dating, just slowly started leaving hints here and there. Spending more time together, being more cuddly or touchy with the other person (all pg of course), and we went to our most recent school dances together, as friends, but still.

Even at school or in public, we basically acted the same as we always did, and despite the rumors running rampant in the many gossip circles, no one had any evidence to prove any allegation, and when prompted, we always gave the same answer, "She's my best friend".

But with Jenna's family on the other hand, only her mom knew after a really awkward walking-in incident. It wasn't too bad, it just so happened that one night when I was sleeping over at her house in March, we were innocently making out in her bed, as any seventeen year-old couple did, when her mom walked in to tell us that we were going out for breakfast the next morning. We quickly separated, but not fast enough to evade her mom.

Needless to say, the two of us had to endure a very, very embarrassing conversation of being safe and responsible together, and the only reason she didn't rat us out to Jenna's dad or my family to stop our sleepovers was the fact that neither of us could get pregnant from anything we may or may not do.

Unfortunately, our "separation anxiety problem" proved to be quite the difficult challenge when I had to leave for the team USA basketball games and Jenna went on college tours with her parents. The two of us managed to get by through near constant texting and nightly FaceTime calls, which I've accepted may be the norm for our relationship in the future.

I already committed to UConn back in April, but Jenna still hasn't decided where she wants to go. She's applied sort of everywhere, California, Washington, Michigan, Minnesota, Pennsylvania, New York, and of course, Connecticut. She hasn't told me what her top pick is out of all of her applications, but I had a feeling she was refraining from telling me because it was going to be one of the furthest ones from UConn.

I didn't mind having to do long distance, as hard as it would be, I would take that struggle over losing Jenna any day. But there was a sneaking suspicion in the back of my mind that Jenna didn't agree, that she would rather break up than have to deal with long distance.

But that couldn't happen to us, we were Paige and Jenna, Peanut Butter and Jelly, and there was no way that we would break up because of college. I mean sure, we had real arguments every once in awhile, one of us got a little jealous, or we were tired or annoyed and accidentally took it out on the other person. But those never lasted long, both of us being too weak to remain mad at the other for more than a day.

One of the biggest arguments we had was over one of my newest and closest friends, Azzi Fudd. We met through team USA and got really close really quickly, which Jenna wasn't the fondest of. We never talked about her until I had gotten back, and Jenna finally burst when I paused our conversation to text Azzi back.

It wasn't until after I assured Jenna that Azzi was straight and was definitely not interested in me in anyway since she had a crush on a boy at her school, that she was my girlfriend and the only one I had eyes for, and she met Azzi in person for the first time that she understood just how platonic our friendship was and also formed a connection with the younger girl.

To be fair, Jenna wasn't the only one with slight jealousy issues, or as she called it, me being "territorial", which I wholeheartedly disagree with. I just think that some of the guys and girls she's friends with don't need to be all over her all the time, but Jenna was just a naturally affectionate person who made everyone around her feel loved and seen, and I understood that doesn't necessarily mean in a romantic way.

Which is all to say that despite any minor bumps in the road, our relationship was as steady and strong as ever, and there was no where else in the world I would rather be right now than in bed with Jenna's body covering mine.

"I wrote bball doofus, okay there's no way you don't get this next one," she remarked teasingly. I pinched her side as she stifled her laughter, adjusting herself over me before going to write her next phrase on my bicep. I was wearing a similar tank top to hers, but with warmer, full length pajama pants. Jenna always refused to admit when she was feeling cold, which was always, instead choosing to intertwine her legs with mine, absorbing any body heat radiating off of me.

I closed my eyes and focused on her fingers fluttering over my arm, concentrating on the words she attempted to spell out. It was a phrase so familiar to us at this point I had figured it out before she had even gotten to the last word.

I smiled down at her, watching as she moved her gaze from her writing to my face, a wide grin and blush present on her features.

"I love you," I whispered to her, admiring at the way her cheeks flushed deeper at my statement. She never used to be the type of person who got easily flustered or shied away from a challenge, but when it came down to the sweetest moments like this, her body was almost constantly some shade of red or pink.

Jenna wasn't the most openly affectionate person, she often got shy when it came to dates, romantic gesture, even verbally expressing her feelings. But by driving me around all the time when I didn't have my car or even my license, helping me with homework last minute, doing my hair for games, cooking and baking food for me, and remembering the smallest details about me, she showed me how much she loved me, and that was always enough for me.

"I love you too," she whispered back, resting her chin on my chest as she continued to gaze up at me, deep adoration present in her eyes, and without a doubt, I was sure I was looking back at her with either the same or deeper level of infatuation. I moved my hand around her waist to draw small circles on the sliver of skin that was exposed, relishing in the sweet intimacy.

Moments like this were my favorite, relishing in the presence of one of my favorite people on earth, quiet and at peace with no distractions, just the two of us enjoying our time spent together.

"Wait I wanna switch, it's your turn to be the big spoon," I patted her waist to guide her to flip over onto her back, so I could lay my head down on her this time.

One of the things I loved to do with Jenna was listen to her heartbeat, it was the beat of a song I would never know the name of, but it was my favorite. To me, it proved the tangibility of the connection between our souls, the love we held for each other. It was listening to the sound that kept my life force breathing, that allowed me to keep my rock and anchor, the person I loved the most and showed me that everyday was worth living, no matter what, because it was with her.

May 22nd, 2020 (End of Senior Year; 18 years old)

My heart sank at the silence I received from Paige, she was sitting across from me on my bed and kept switching from quietly scanning over the letter on my computer screen to changing the tabs, looking over all the schools I had received acceptance letters from.

Despite getting into UConn with Paige, and even universities close to her on the East Coast, like NYU and UPenn, I was choosing to commit to UCLA, my dream school since I was seven. It was safe to say Paige wasn't thrilled with my decision, evident through her lack of a response.

"P? Please say something, literally anything," I begged, her silence was unsettling, and her face was stoic and near emotionless, which meant I had no idea of the thoughts running through her head right now.

"I don't even know what you want me to say. Or expect me to do," she paused before continuing, "I am so proud of you and everything you've done and accomplished to make it this far, but I feel so," she stopped, collecting her thoughts and emotions before continuing.

"I almost want to hate you for choosing to go so far, for choosing to leave me and be so far away from me when we both know this kind of long-distance won't work," her voice cracked, at the end of her sentence. Rather than continuing to talk, she raised the collar of her t-shirt to her eyes, tucking her head under to hide the tears that had begun to spill out.

You moved your laptop away so could close some of the distance between the two of you. You gently cupped her face, coaxing her to let go of her t-shirt so you could look directly in her eyes.

"I know, and I'm so sorry, but I can't not go Paige. I need to do this for myself and I know that if I don't go, or at least give it my best shot, I'll regret it for the rest of my life," her heartbroken expression was painful for you to watch, only making it harder for you to refrain from crying.

"If I asked you to even consider, not even coming to UConn with me but like, NYU or something, literally anywhere closer to make the long distance work, would you?" Her eyes bore into yours, searching for the answer she dreaded hearing.

You waited a moment to answer, not to think over your answer or consider her question, you already knew the answer. But to compose yourself, holding in the pain you felt from hurting the only person who would ever love you like this.

You dropped your hands from her face before responding, "No."

You could see, practically hear, her heart shatter at your response, not expecting you to be so cold and short with her. She was openly crying now, her voice now shaky and slightly higher-pitched.

"So all the times that you told me that you couldn't imagine living without me, that you needed me, that you felt like you could only breathe around me, that was all bullshit? Or you just, what, changed your mind?"

"I never lied to you about that Paige, all of those things are still true. But this is my dream, I obviously didn't go into this whole process expecting to get into one of the top universities in the nation. If I asked you the same thing right now, to give up UConn and accept one of the recruitment offers you got closer to UCLA, would you?"

"Don't turn this around on me and make me the selfish one right now. That's not fair and you know it Jenna. Getting recruited is different, it determines whether or not I can go pro in the future, it makes all the difference in the world when it comes time for me to get drafted in the W."

"I'm not trying to accuse you of anything Paige, I'm just trying to make you understand that I can't give up UCLA. And selfish, really? Trying to make a life for myself, going to the college of my dreams, that's selfish?"

"That's not what I meant," she sighed, rubbing her hands over her tear-streaked face.

"You have to understand what it feels like to be in my position right now. You're my everything, my best friend, my girlfriend, the one person who knows me better than anyone, even my parents. And you just dropped a bomb of information on me. From day one, I have always been clear about where I wanted to go to college, and I signed as soon as I got the offer. But you never said anything about that, and on top of it, you were always the one who talked about our future together, and now it's like you're taking all of your previous statement back."

"I'm sorry Paige. I'm so sorry that I'm doing this to you, that I'm hurting you. That was never my intention with this. You're my everything too, but that's not right and that's not how it should be. One person can't be my whole life, and I can't be yours either. No matter how much I love you and need you, I also need this for myself."

Paige's eyes were bloodshot at this point, and you hadn't noticed when, but somewhere during your conversation you had given up on trying to hold back your own tears.

"I've already submitted a housing application, the apartments open from June but usually students don't go until July or August, so I'll still be here for a little while," you sniffled.

As much as your decision hurt Paige, you knew it was the right thing for both of you. Paige had to focus on basketball and you needed to focus on school and your own future, and maybe the time apart would allow you to grow together rather than apart.

After all, isn't distance supposed to make the heart grow fonder?

a/n: thank you for reading all the way through, any and all support is greatly appreciated!!

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thou-babbling-brook · 11 months ago

Text

Maria Thorpe Character Analysis

Well, I simply can’t disappoint the people – aka, the five of you that will read this, lmfao. I’m so serious about this that I’m actually drafting this on a Google doc before I post this rather than just typing random thoughts on my phone. This is going to be a HUGE ramble that probably won’t make a ton of sense, but I hope it’s entertaining regardless.

Maria Thorpe – a character that Ubisoft probably spent MAYBE thirty minutes thinking about, but that I have not stopped thinking about for like, five years. What a gal. So glad I was not in this fandom in 2012 to witness how HEINOUS people were about her for simply being a woman “in the way” of a M|M relationship. I hope by the end of this ramble, you, too, will see her for the baddie she truly is.

In this essay, I will delve into Maria’s character to explore why she is so fascinating to me, the implications of her story, and why Ubisoft can actually catch these hands for dumbing her down in AC Revelations. (I'm putting a cut here because it's so fucking long I'm sorry gang)

First off, to understand Maria Thorpe as a character, you have to understand her background. I’m not going to copy and paste her Wiki or anything, but I am going to outline her life (stated and implied) before we meet her.

For those that don’t know, Maria was born an English noblewoman in 1161 – four years before Altaïr was born (okay cougar). Because she was a tomboy and defied many of the social norms for women in the 12th century, she was ostracized by both her parents and her peers. She mentions in The Secret Crusade that her parents tried to force her to conform, which culminated in her first marriage at the age of 18 to Lord Peter Hallaton. She mentions that he was a decent husband, but he didn’t exactly appreciate her more boisterous nature. After all, in 12th century England (especially among nobility), women were to be seen, not heard. She also failed his expectations as a chatelaine and a wife, as she bore him no children. The Bishop of Leicester granted them an annulment to avoid embarrassment to both Peter and Maria’s family. When she returned, she was “persona non grata” to her family and the whole of Leicestershire, especially when her father had already spent her dowry. With no other options, Maria ran away to join the Third Crusade, where she eventually met Robert de Salbé.

You may notice that we don’t actually know a lot about Maria and her life before AC1, which is probably intentional. To me, though, that’s what makes her backstory fascinating – the implications of her environment and what we can reasonably deduce she went through based on historical context. I think anyone who’s taken a seventh-grade social studies class could tell you women had, like, zero rights in 12th-century England – even more so, noblewomen. Maria was raised to be a glorified broodmare – say nothing, have children (two boys and a girl, as she jokes), and run her husband’s household. Clearly, she was the exact opposite of all of these things. Something interesting about Maria’s first marriage is the fact that while it was an annulment, she specifically mentions in The Secret Crusade it was an annulment to save her family further embarrassment – which implies that the marriage was consummated, but all parties wanted it done with. I don’t think I need to elaborate on how common and horrific an experience like that could be, but I think it fuels Maria’s relationship later on with motherhood, especially since she mentions that she was completely uninterested in childrearing and birth (this is a key point I’ll touch on later).

So what? Why does her background matter? It matters because of how historical and cultural context tie in to help form who she is by the time she leaves for the Third Crusade – a desperate, twenty-two-year-old woman, divorced, ostracized from the only family and society she has ever known, having no other choice than to ditch England and head for the Holy Land unless she wants to become a nun. For many men and women alike in the 12th century, this was their only opportunity to become something more than what they were born as, whether it be a serf, a blacksmith, or a noblewoman. Many who left for the Third Crusade left to “take back the Holy Land,” but also to escape or improve their current standings. To me, Maria falls in the second category, and it is this desperation to escape her life that forms her most notable (and later, tragic) characteristic: her undying loyalty.

As a side note, it is also interesting to me that Maria chose to be a soldier rather than a nurse. This is more so my characterization of her, but I think that’s because a) she’s too damn proud and loud to be a nurse, and b) because if she was a nurse, she would more than likely live and be treated the same way she was at home. Truly, if she wants to escape the patriarchy, the only way a woman like Maria could at the time was to join it by blending in. Girly get some therapy.

We’re now at AC1 in the timeline. Hooray! We don’t know when exactly Maria joined the Templars or when she first met Robert, but we can probably assume it was not long after she joined the crusade. As we know from AC1, AC Bloodlines, and The Secret Crusade, Maria disguised herself as a man (more than likely a young boy since she’s got a voice that would fit right into Alvin and the Chipmunks) and was able to keep up the rouse long enough to rise in the ranks and show promise to people like Robert. For Maria, when Robert finds out she is a woman and yet elevates her further, it is the first time in her life that someone has appreciated her for her masculine qualities. It is why she develops an intense loyalty for Robert to the point of being willing to be his decoy, despite the fact she fully anticipated dying. For Maria, it would be her ideal end – fighting to the death for a cause she truly believed in. Not even really a cause, as we figure out later, but more so for a man she truly believed in – Robert. It would not be through the pain and subjugation of childbirth like most women of her standing, but a brutal fight like any other man.

And yet – she doesn’t. When Altaïr meets her, he’s undergone a whole development arc, whereas Maria (at this point 30, which is SO funny to imagine her fistfighting this 26-year-old frat boy) is at the start of hers. And it starts with Altaïr sparing her – the worst possible fate that could become her at this point in her life. Think about it: the only person who has given her an OUNCE of respect has asked her to essentially die for him by acting as his decoy. As Maria mentions in AC Bloodlines, by this point, she is also a step away from becoming a knight – and at this point, she’s also known as a woman among the Templars. And yet, she believes they have become her family, and she is willing to die for their cause and for Robert. When Altaïr spares her and kills Robert, he’s sentencing her to the life she ran away from and feared – being nothing more than a woman who is looked down upon with condescending snarls and disgust for who she is.

This is why when we meet Maria in AC Bloodlines, she is rightfully PISSED. We literally see her realize that any ounce of respect and power she had is completely gone because Altaïr spared her. She is so pissed, in fact, that she tries to kill Altaïr again. This is even funnier when you remember how much of a BITCH it was to fight her in AC1, but I digress. Altaïr has destroyed everything she has built in her life for the last eight years. He has taken her home, her mentors, her family, and her honor. And bro doesn’t have a clue in the fucking world.

It’s at this point that I’ll also analyze more about Maria’s relationship with the Templars. At first glance, yes, she was a Templar and believed in their cause. Really, though, it goes far deeper than that. It’s not necessarily that Maria believes in their cause – otherwise, it would’ve taken a lot more for Altaïr to sway her to the Assassins – but that she believes in the people. Again, from Maria’s perspective, the Templars (especially Robert) were the ONLY people in her entire life to treat her with dignity, and she is willing to die for them. She is willing to throw her honor to the ground and beg for forgiveness in front of Bouchard because, without the Templars, she is nothing. She is back to square one as a silly little girl trying to run from a life that would only subjugate her. It’s that recurring characteristic of undying loyalty to those who have given her the life she has always wanted.

And for Maria, it is immediately spat back in her face.

When Bouchard takes over in AC Bloodlines, he is a strict Templar Grandmaster. No consorting with women, periodt. And he flaunts this over Maria, taunting her. He is tearing the last ounce of respect she’d ever received and throwing it away. Every sacrifice she made for the Templars for the last eight years meant nothing, and it is crushing to her. She continues to be pissed off at Altaïr, who mentions that she’s more pissed at the Templars than at him. Once again, she is nothing more than a woman – an imprisoned one at that.

This is where one of my favorite Maria scenes (not that there’s many) comes into play. When she and Altaïr are sitting on the ship to Cyprus or wherever it doesn’t matter, Altaïr does something that no person has done for her before: he treats her with unconditional respect. As funny as his autistic ramble about Empedocles and philosophy is, there are so many assumptions that go into Altaïr’s conversation that I think help sway Maria to his side. When he talks to Maria, he speaks to her as an equal. He talks to her about philosophy because of course she would know about philosophy in his mind – to him, she is a soldier and a person first, and a woman second (shut the fuck about The Secret Crusade and him thinking about her as a lioness shut up shut up I low key hate it even though it’s funny). He is the first person in her life to speak to her as an equal and with respect with no strings attached. In fact, when Maria taunts him for leaving her cuffed even as he talks about free will, he lets her go. She may not like him at this point, but after this scene, you can certainly see that she respects him in how she speaks to him. BONUS: she’s not trying to outright kill him anymore! Hooray!

You can see the impact Altaïr and his conversation had on Maria when she confronts Shahar in her courtesan fit. There’s so many layers to Maria willingly dressing in such an exposing, vulnerable, and feminine way (keep in mind this bitch is Catholic, I know her guilt was going crazy), but what I’m going to focus on is her conversation with Shahar. When he speaks to her, he is gross and all but catcalling her, calling her a “little fox” and using a sultry tone. Maria is having NONE of it, and one can only assume this is a tone she has dealt with a thousand times over. This is also where we see the gears turning in Maria’s head. I’ve seen people criticize Maria for how quickly she flip-flopped, but I think that’s overlooking the reason that she WAS a Templar – they were the only people who provided her a home when she had none. If you’re desperate for anyone to treat you with an iota of respect, you’d do whatever they ask. After she talks to Altaïr though, and especially after realizing Robert was simply manipulating her, she is questioning the Templars’ ideologies and realizing this is not what she wants. It low key is like Alicent in House of the Dragons right now – she’s shocked that fighting against women fucked herself over. Maria is similar in that sense – she thought that by being what the Templars wanted and fighting for what they believed, it wouldn’t come back to bite her in the ass. But it did. She’s a woman before she’s a Templar, and the ideology of the Templars would see her subjugated just as she was before. It isn’t until after Altaïr’s spiel about free will and the challenges it brings that she realizes she has other options.

And that’s ultimately what brings Maria to the side of the Assassins – realizing her errors in thinking and wanting a way to redeem herself. The Assassins are her second chance, which is ironic given how many stories after hers would follow this same format of second chances. But it isn’t just the ideology change, either. It’s Altaïr. No, she does not have undying loyalty by the end of AC Bloodlines, but he’s certainly earned her trust and respect. He’s treated her like any other person without ever holding power or loyalty over her head. He does not manipulate her or exploit her – he respects her, and he earnestly tells her of the creed’s ideologies not to lure her in, but because he genuinely believes in the idea of dispelling the illusions of the world and wants to share it with her, whether she becomes an Assassin or not. That is what turns Maria into an Assassin at the end of the day: his respect for her and his understanding of the creed. And despite their issues, Maria chooses to follow him to the ends of the earth.

Now we’re at a really funny part of Maria’s story: we know basically NOTHING about what happens in between AC Bloodlines and AC Reflections. We know that sometime after traveling to Masyaf, Maria and Altaïr became a couple. We know they married in 1195 and gave birth to Darim the same year. Two years later, they would traumatize Desmond Miles by fucking on top of a castle, which is so fucking funny and only supports my characterization of Maria as a gremlin, because who the fuck else would make their husband climb up a giant ass tower for sex? We know she officially became an Assassin and would beg Altaïr to stop looking into the Apple. We know she would join Altaïr and Darim to Mongolia to kill Genghis Khan. And that is all we know for an approximately 30-YEAR PERIOD.

While there’s a lot I could talk about in that gap, like Maria’s relationship with other Assassins, I’m going to focus on her relationship with motherhood. As we established earlier, Maria had ZERO interest in being a mother or giving birth. This is a personal headcanon but I do not care because it’s MY analysis and I can do as I please, but I feel like she would’ve dreaded childbirth, especially given how English nobility acted about it (e.g., how people treated it like a scandal or disease) and how it was the leading cause of death for women until the 20th century. Yet, despite this, she had not one, but TWO children. She was like one away from the goal, and even then Sef had two daughters so really she fulfilled it. But why? What changed that she would be willing to do the very thing she left England to avoid?

I think it goes back to the reason she was disinterested in it in the first place. Like Maria says in The Secret Crusade, she didn’t want to just be a mother or a wife. Her ideal husband would treat her like any other man, taking her hunting or whatever else bullshit medieval stuff they’d do instead of scrolling through TikTok. She never said she didn’t want to be a mother. I think her hesitance stems from the fact that she didn’t want to SOLELY be defined as a mother or a wife. With Altaïr, however, that fear is pretty much gone. Since the moment she met him, Altaïr has always treated her with respect and admired the things she was once shamed for. Her strength is valuable as an Assassin. Her bluntness keeps him in check. Her ideas are admired rather than ridiculed. To Altaïr, Maria is not just a woman or even just an Assassin. She’s a person with her own experiences and ideas and fears and strengths and dreams. He loves her for every aspect of herself that was once frowned upon.

I remember a while ago seeing a Tumblr post from ye olden days (like 2012) talking about how because menstrual cycles were extremely irregular back in the day due to medieval diets and exercise, Maria would have to purposefully chill out to regulate her cycle to become pregnant. What that implies is that she trusted Altaïr so much that she was willing to settle down and have children because she knew it would not influence how he treated or loved her. Personally, I think this is true of Darim, but that Sef was an accident because it’s funnier that way, but regardless, the point still stands. Maria getting pregnant and becoming a mother is the opposite of what she thought she would ever want, but because she loved and trusted Altaïr so much, she was willing to have a family with him because she knew it would not come to define her. I think that is unbelievably sweet.

We also don’t really see Maria interact with her children very often, which I think is a fucking shame. When she does interact with Darim (we never see her with Sef, though we do see her reaction to his death), Maria is always supportive and encouraging. Again, this is more my headcanon territory but I really don’t care because I can do what I fucking please, but Maria low key feels like a boy mom to me, but not in the weird Freud way, lmfao. Like we established earlier, Maria’s key trait is her loyalty. I think this loyalty would be extended to her children. We know she’s loyal to Altaïr (it ends up killing her), but I feel like it would go insane with her children. When she learns of Sef’s death in The Secret Crusade, this woman breaks down in tears instantly. WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE MOTHERLY RAGE WITH ABBAS, UBISOFT. WHERE WAS IT. Anyways.

Masyaf is a pretty cutthroat environment to raise a child, especially when you consider that Abbas is apparently lurking in the background scheming during Altaïr’s reign. Something I wish we learned more about (and something I just find fascinating in general) is the political environment of Masyaf. Altaïr implemented a lot of changes to the Brotherhood that faced backlash, one of the key ones being allowing women in the order again (ahem, Maria). I know Maria said she was uninterested in the politics of running a house, but I do think she’d kind of have to play her hand in politics in Masyaf, kind of how Altaïr realizes he’s not exempt from politics since he’s literally shaping them. If Maria wants her kids to be safe, especially as sons of the Master of the Assassins, she’s gotta play her cards well. This is why I think it does make sense for Maria to calm down after having children to be more similar to the Maria we see in AC Reflections and AC Revelations. She can’t just fight everyone like she did when she was relying solely on herself. Now, she has people relying on her, and I think it makes sense for her character to chill out more (though without losing her spunk) to ensure her family is safe.

For those that have ever watched Magnificent Century, basically think about how Hurrem went from fighting everyone to playing her cards wisely so her kids wouldn’t die or do stupid shit. That’s how I feel like Maria would be.

Something else that’s interesting about Maria to me is her relationship with Altaïr. Duh, you’re probably saying, but hear me out. We know that while she and Altaïr were inseparable during their marriage, there was one thing that strained it: the Apple. It makes sense why Maria would be so pissed off at it. She’s seen Altaïr control men’s minds with it. She’s seen how it takes him away for days at a time with its secrets, to the point she is begging him to throw it away. Back to the point about loyalty to her family, whereas Altaïr seeks knowledge, Maria just wants her family protected and safe because she loves them – including her dumbass husband. It’s ironic that the very thing she fought about with Altaïr is the thing that killed her.

So we’re finally at AC Revelations, and I am truly shocked that you’re still here. Kudos to you. At that final confrontation scene with Abbas, that loyalty for those she loves comes to a head. When Altaïr whips out the Apple, Maria begs and pleads him to stop, because she knows if he uses the Apple to control someone, he will only be proving Abbas’s point, which will only fuck them over. In The Secret Crusade, we also have Malik’s head on top of this scene to make it worse. Maria’s position is again one of desperation. Her son is dead, one of her best friends is now just a head, and her husband is about to go sicko mode. She is screwed and she knows it. What she doesn’t know is that she’s about to be stabbed by Swami (I’m going with the revelations version shut up) in a last ditch effort to stop Altaïr from using the Apple. Altaïr doesn’t listen to Maria, and it kills her. He kills her.

… SO I HAVE THOUGHTS.

I think Maria dying from the Apple makes sense, I do. That’s not my problem. My problem is how AC Revelations basically dumbed her down to this motherly, homely figure which is the like, ANTITHESIS of what Maria is. Where was the feminine rage??? You’re telling me this woman would not be about to SLAUGHTER someone after learning that Sef died?? You’re telling me she would just pull an AltaïR thiS iSn’T yOu???????? Are you so fucking for real right now??? It pisses me off because it nukes her character. While yes, it makes sense for her to be a much calmer woman and 67 compared to 30, this is still Maria. Don’t act like she and Altaïr don’t have fucking anger issues and be so fucking for real.

Here’s my ideal scenario for what should’ve gone down. I think once they pulled Malik’s head out, there should’ve been all-out chaos rather than this bullshit “We killed everyone loyal to Altaïr before he arrived.” Maria should’ve been right there with them with a sword out. Altaïr, in a desperate attempt to calm everyone down, would take out the Apple and try to control everyone. If you’ve seen the long ass discussion about how Revelations fucked up Altaïr’s character arc, this also helps remedy that because Altaïr is pulling out because of his arrogance in believing he can control the Apple. News flash: he can’t. Maria, while fighting for Altaïr, would somehow be killed either by the Apple or like similar to how Swami accidentally killed her. Something along those lines where it is Altaïr’s fault. That’s how she should’ve gone out, not some weird pick me bullshit.

Anyways. RIP Maria Thorpe you would’ve loved Crusader Kings 3.

I definitely missed some points about her character but this is already 7 pages long on Google docs so I am NOT writing anymore. God bless.

TLDR she's a baddie and I need her so so so bad

#assassin’s creed #maria thorpe #altaïr ibn la'ahad #malik al sayf #ac1 #character analysis #babblingbrook babbles #I should have been doing literally anything else than this #ITS SO LONG IM SO SORRY #like five of u are gonna read this but #the five of you that do will be thrilled #i put my whole kathrussy into this #this took me days guys DAYS #I gotta wrap this up bc I have stuff to do but please enjoy and im so sorry in advance lmfao

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 1 year ago

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WIBTA if i talked to the school councelor because i suspect one of my friends is autistic? 👁️

(note: asshole is probably a strong word - what i’m mostly asking is if it would be a good idea)

I (17) have a friend (17) we’ll call Alex. I’ve been friends with Alex since we were in first grade, because our parents knew eachother. We kind of grew up together. Our entire lives, they’ve always been “weird,” they’ve never picked up on social cues well, they’re obsessed with chickens and know an absurd amount about them, they describe themself as a “creature of habit,” they struggle to understand when people are joking vs serious, and they are really bad at spelling, just to name off the top of my head. Now, any of these thing in a vacuum wouldn’t warrant anything necessarily, but all together i’m pretty certain they have undiagnosed autism.

Some added context, im not autistic myself, but i do have ADHD and i have an interest in psychology and how the brain works. In doing my own research to see if i was autistic, i noticed a lot of similarities between what i was reading and how i’ve known Alex as a friend my whole life. I’ve had the idea of them maybe being autistic rolling in the back of my head for like, two years now? But haven’t ever said anything about it, because i was afraid I was wrong or overthinking.

Now, here’s why i’m worried about bringing it up to anyone. Their parents are very… “nuclear family” ish. they’re very catholic, and have six kids with a seventh on the way (we live in the suburbs) and a part of me feels they don’t believe in mental health/illnesses/disorders or anything like that. They’re also transphobic, but you didn’t hear that from me. I just fear that telling a counselor would spread the info to parents who either wouldn’t understand, wouldn’t care, or would try and “cure” it. Alex already isn’t doing well mentally (they’ve talked about feeling textbook dysphoria and are in denial about it - i think they’re a transmasc egg) and i really don’t want to bring it up if it will cause problems.

BUT. I talked to my mom about all of this (we’re very close and i knew she wouldn’t make a big deal out of it) and she recommended talking to the school counselor, and im just wondering if it’s a good idea. In the best case scenario, the counselor would work to get them a diagnosis and HOPEFULLY a therapist (oh my god do they need a therapist), but in the worst case? in the awful world for autistic people we live in? i just don’t know if it’s wise. So here i am turning to tumblr, the most neurodivergent site around. WIBTA if i talked to the counselor about my friend who i heavily suspect is autistic?

#aita #am i the asshole

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eternallyseverus · 2 years ago

Text

!YOUNG Severus Snape x y/n | Drunk People do not lie

COFFEE | On AO3 here - 1595 words

Summary: Severus and you became best friends and feelings start to develop but none of you dares to say anything, not sure about your own feelings but everything is cleared out once the two of you end drunk in a Slytherin party.

A/N: I am not a native English speaker so I am sorry for any spelling mistake and if my first smut scene is too bad :D. I tried my best! Also I am not 100% happy with this one. It is intended to be a two chapters story but I am not sure if you guys will like it. :] Maybe the beginning is a bit slow because I ALWAYS HAVE THE NEED TO GIVE A CONTEXT AND A DEVELOPMENT.

Triggers/Warnings: Y/N is a she probably using female pronouns. Both are of age. Mentions of bully. Alcohol involved and hint of sex / intimacy. I think I am not forgetting anything else. :] ---------------------------------------------------- Severus and you have been inseparable since at the beginning of the seventh year he was paired with you in a potion project but it was hard, extremely hard for you to get closer to him and to be able to call each other best friends.

It was obvious why he was reluctant to let you in. People would mock him, bully him and life taught him nothing but to be defensive towards everyone and every moment in his life so the moment you started to show him kindness (since the very first minute you were paired with him for that project) he taught that it was because you needed to get a good grade so it was convenient for you to treat him like that.

But it wasn’t like that.

You heard a couple of rumors about him which you dismissed because luckily you grew up with the mindset of judging the people yourself with their actions not with the words other random people had about them.

You only found him a bit cold and grumpy but you thought that it was something normal because people are different so it might not be in his nature to be a warm person. But you were wrong about that.

The day you found him being teased in the Great Hall by the marauders, the way others laughed and didn’t do anything made your blood boil and you quickly got in the middle of their actions, threatening the entire group and not hesitating to take out your wand to duel them if needed. All of those weeks made you grow fond of Severus, of how intelligent, quiet, respectful he was. How hardworking as well and every time he looked at you, you were starting to see a hint of his kindness and some softness that was covered by layers of… something that you couldn’t quite decipher until that precise moment.

During that night the two of you went to the Astronomy Tower and he thanked you for your kindness and he broke in front of you, crying in your arms and telling you everything that he has been going through.

And you listened without interrupting him, only offering your warmth, your gentle strokes to his long hair and your shoulder so he could cry on.

Severus knew that you perhaps were different, not judging him and not treating him differently after talking about his life, about his pain, about his trauma.

Through the following weeks the cold and short answers became longer and warmer ones, gaze exchanged through the library and you dropped your circle of friends to spend more time with him.

He became even more gentle in everything: with his words, with his actions and with his small touches in your arms and hands whenever the two of you talked, worked or studied together.

It was due to that that you started to feel uneasy because Severus started to be, sometimes, unexpected with his words towards you.

“You look pretty today” or some “I just saw this flower and it reminded me of you when you smile” or even a daily “I missed you” every time the two of you met.

You reciprocated his words each time with a timid blush in your cheeks that (you didn’t know) he extremely loved and you started to feel some tingling around your body.

—----------------------------------------------------------------------

Before Christmas Holidays arrived the Slytherin House decided to do an illegal party in a hidden part of the castle to celebrate the end of the year so obviously you had to go.

You begged him and with pouty lips and some kind words Severus had accepted to go with you knowing that no one would dare to say something to him if you were around.

So there you were with him. Surrounded by sweaty and drunk colleagues, alcohol floating around and loud music.

—------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Stop telling me these things” you said breathlessly, the loud music making it hard for Severus to understand you.

“Tell you what?!” he said a little bit too loud due to the extra cups of butterbeer, firewhiskey and wine plus the loud music was making it difficult to understand you.

“Stop telling me these things Sev” you said again sounding a little bit annoyed. Severus didn’t hear your tone but he completely knew when you would be annoyed due to the change in your body expression.

His hand went to cup your cheek and your body temperature rose way too fast for your liking. Severus was almost in auto pilot, his desires and feelings conducting his actions and all was thanks to the alcohol.

“Telling you what? That I enjoy being around you? That you look pretty today?” he repeated some of the things he has been telling you tonight and you just nodded slowly.

“Yes, all of that Sev” you confirmed to him, getting closer and both bodies extremely closer. It was needed so your mouth could go closer to his ear so he could hear you better.

“And why would I need to stop?” He replied back to you, his mouth also closer to your ear.

You didn’t realize but he had wrapped his left arm around your hip so both of you could be positioned better but the truth was that he desired for your warmth.

“Because you make me feel things, Sev” you replied a little bit too honestly, praying that you would not make him feel uncomfortable.

Severus blinked twice and looked at you and he placed his glass of firewhiskey on a table that was on his right side.

“What… things?” he ventured to ask.

You gulped and started to speak again, slowly, trying to carefully pick your words and your hot breath tickling his neck and earlobe making him lose the left control he had in himself.

“You make me feel things, Sev. When you talk to me like this, When you hold my hand. When you look at me. I feel butterflies inside of me” you pointed at your stomach feeling silly “And make me yearn for your touch, and look good only for you” He was looking at your lips hearing everything you had to tell him. He only was able to say the last sentence

“Good only for me”

“Yes, for you” you replied back, your mouth moving slowly towards him.

“And… only me” he moved his mouth as well, this time his lips brushing softly against yours. “What you are feeling, y/n, is love” he ventured to say in a bold move. Once again, thanks to the alcohol.

“Do you think so?” you replied back mimicking the soft brushes of his lips.

“I do, because I do feel the same” and after that sentence he closed the gap and he gave you a clumsy kiss. Thin lips warm that tasted like a weird mix of alcohol but that made you have your eyes widened processing his confession and his kiss.

The music was loud and your heart was pounding, your thoughts racing trying to understand that he had the same symptoms as you do: love, desire, yearning to be touched.

Your hands wrapped around his waist and you kissed him feverishly, biting from time to time his bottom lip earning a soft moan from him.

People were glancing at the two of you, Severus kissing a girl and you kissing him. No one said anything, but it was obvious what they were thinking.

Your hand moved from his waist to unbutton his shirt and he grabbed your hand softly to stop you and then he shook his head.

“Not here, not now” he said breathlessly and pressed his forehead against you.

Your shoulders slumped thinking that maybe, just maybe, your advances were making him uncomfortable and that he didn’t like you more than to share some kisses.

“O okay Sev, I am s sorry” you stuttered, feeling shy. Maybe he was right, it was in the middle of a party but the two of you could move to the bathroom or an empty chamber?

“I am not rejecting you. I said not now and now here” he said a bit shyly and he intertwined his fingers with yours.

“You don’t deserve your first time with a drunk man, in a nasty bathroom or bedroom. You deserve it in a nice place where I can give you time and the sober kisses you deserve”

Severus didn’t know that these words and feelings existed inside of him. And he never thought that he had a chance to share this time of actions with someone else and more with someone who really liked that much.

But it was the truth.

He didn’t want to give her drunk kisses, quick encounters in a nasty place in the middle of parties. Not, at least, in her first time. Even if it was his first as well he only priority was her and only her.

You nodded slowly and gave him a smile. Severus stood silently looking at you and you stood looking at him.

“Wanna go on a date with me?!”

“Perhaps we can have a… date?!”

The two of you laughed after asking each other at the same time for a date. Even in your drunken state you found him the most handsome man in the entire world.

No need to confirm that indeed the two of you would be accepting each other’s date but you simply kissed him once again enjoying the rest of the night and a couple of butterbeers more that earned a huge hangover the following day.

#severus snape #snape #pro snape #professor snape #severus snape x reader #severus snape x y/n #severus x reader #severus x y/n #severus x you #snape imagines #young severus x reader #young severus snape x reader #young severus x y/n #severus snape smut

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laylasverse · 2 months ago

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[ 💫 🍃 & 🍊 ] for your better cr from your FANTASTIQUE ask game!! (i’m in love with your mind)

EXCUSE THE MESS ✶ ASK GAME ﹙ 💫 🍃 🍊 ﹚

◞ answering for my better cr. ily theo :(

𐔌 . 💫 ⋮ 'BOUT YOU ֹ ₊ ꒱ what do you reminisce on late at night? is it a person you had to leave behind? someone who left you? why are you still reminded of that past? are you upset with the memories? do you regret them?

in the late hours of the night i tend to be reminded of the girl i was convinced i was soul tied to. spoiler alert, it did not end well! she was my best friend from sixth to ninth grade and i was in love with her. like i have notes saying, "she was crying today. i never want redacted to be crying. she doesn't deserve that," from the seventh grade. i loved that girl so bad that it crumbled in front of me & it was mostly my fault.

i'm not upset with the memories i shared with her. we both helped each other grow and come out of our shells. we just happened to be cursed with a female homoerotic friendship so young. but what does still make me upset is that when i confessed my feelings, two years after we stopped being friends, she told me & i quote, "glad you got that off your chest."

like girl i have youtube videos we made where we are clearly in love with each other. not to mention that everyone who knew us thought we were dating. you couldn't have given me anything a little better than that? oh, well. i don't see or talk to her anymore. thank god!

fun fact! phoebe bridgers is the artist that got me through this era.

𐔌 . 🍃 ⋮ PILOT JONES ֹ ₊ ꒱ who is your bad influence? the one person you can count on to be involved with something insane and drag you along with them? have they always been "bad"? why won't you let them go?

i have a few people like this in my life. a few friends who are always in some kind of mess. i won't name them because it doesn't matter their names ( they're not famous or "characters" ). they are not bad influences on me ( i am extremely skeptical & hard to manipulate lol ), they just make very bad decisions after i give them my advice. i don't want to say they let me down but.. y'know.. they do sometimes.

one of the worst is my older brother. he seems to make the wrong decisions at every turn. all i can do is be there when he finally breaks down.

i won't let these people in my life go because i need them as a reminder of all the people in the world that don't think like me. each of them show me a new world in their own way. even if they do constantly piss me off.

𐔌 . 🍊 ⋮ FORREST GUMP ֹ ₊ ꒱ who runs your mind? the person you're always thinking about? when you make a joke that doesn't quite land, who do you know would've loved it?

jason. and that stupid dork knows it. whole-heartedly.

every single time i tell a joke to someone and they don't get the reference / callback i think about how jason would be giving me a look before chuckling and shaking his head in amusement. i make him giggle in private dw. he understand me to a level that should be a little concerning but it's okay 'cause he's my sugarplum.

i actually did post him to this song on my instagram story for valentines day. he called me corny but was smiling so hard that both his dimples were showing when he said it. i know what you are, boy.

﹙ extra context my better cr is extremely similar to this reality. most of what i have experienced here i have scripted there. ﹚ ꕀ hopefully this doesn't give off "woe is me" lol

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5ueckers · 1 year ago

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you belong with me — teaser

a/n : i wanted to have this finished by today but 😢 here's a lil snippet instead! for context, this specific part takes place in july of 2019, before the start of p's senior year of high school, and reader is her best friend and teammate. happy valentine's! 💕

paige doesn’t get what you see in him.

for one, he’s really not that cute, contrary to what all your other friends believe— there are a million five–foot–ten boys with curly blond hair and green eyes in the world, and you’re pretty enough to have any one of them that you want. for two, he’s so boring. he’s always got you holed up at his ridiculously large house doing something lame, when you could be with her, actually having fun. and lastly, he’s not even that good of a boyfriend. sure, he takes you out on dates and drives you around in his stupid car and surprises you with flowers and gifts, but those are all things she’s done for you and she’s only your friend. it’s the bare minimum, and you deserve a lot better than that; you deserve the world.

she thinks she might actually be sick, watching him tuck a stray piece of hair behind your ear and smile at you, leaning in for a kiss. his face is actually so gross, she gags.

“stop, leave her be,” azzi’s voice comes with a little laugh as her hand closes around paige’s forearm, tugging playfully, but the blonde still struggles to tear her eyes away. “paige.”

“they’re disgusting,” paige gripes as she finally looks away, taking a sip of her dr. pepper, not even bothering with her burger and fries anymore. witnessing that interaction ruined her appetite.

“they’re in love,” azzi teases, dragging out the ‘o’, and paige grumbles around her straw, eyes rolling dismissively.

you aren’t in love with him. yeah, it’s been three months since you officially started dating, but paige actually knows you; you’ve liked plenty of guys since she met you in seventh grade, and none of them have ever really meant anything. soon enough, you’ll get bored of him, just like all the others, and it’ll go back to just being you and her again, like it should be.

hopefully, that’s before the season starts in november. she doesn’t want to have to see you with him at homecoming, or even worse, at one of your games— she’d really be revolted, then.

“no, i agree with p,” kayhla chimes in on the conversation. “get a room!” she shouts, hands cupped around her mouth to accentuate the sound, earning the attention of you, him, and everyone else in the wendy’s.

your eyes get all wide and your cheeks tinge red, and the table erupts into giggles at your embarrassed reaction. you step away from him, finally, and turn back to the counter, smiling politely at the cashier as she slides a tray of chocolate and vanilla frosties toward you, and another toward him. paige can’t help but feel a bit smug when you return to the table and reclaim your seat next to her— it’s an end–seat, so he has to sit across from you both. she casually stretches her arm out over your shoulders, and shoves a spoonful of chocolate frosty into her mouth with her free hand.

“you guys are mean,” you say, reaching out for one of her abandoned fries. you don’t do anything about her arm.

“don’t be a freak, then,” paige replies, and you jab her in the side with your elbow, which only makes her laugh harder.

“oh, you have no right to be calling anyone a freak,” you retort playfully. “don’t make me bring up last summer—”

“woah, nah, okay! okay, you win!”

paige throws up her hands in surrender, and everyone at the table laughs again— everyone, except for him. you, on the other hand, laugh especially hard. she can’t lie, it’s vindicating knowing there are parts of you that he hasn’t yet breached, that she can make you laugh this hard and he has no clue why.

that she actually knows you. unlike him, paige isn’t temporary. you’ll get bored of him, and things will go back to being the way they’re supposed to be.

just you and her.

#fic : you belong with me.#paige bueckers x reader #paige bueckers #wlw #uconn wbb #lowkey girls like girls by hayley kiyoko coded too now that i think abt it #alsoooo the ended of this passage is subject to change cause i don’t like itttt

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spametc123 · 6 months ago

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The phrase “maybe the curtains were just blue” is genuinely so harmful to media literacy as a whole. Yes, things can just be the way they are, but almost everything exists with context. Do you exist or do you exist because of everything that has happened in the world? Your parents met, you didn’t die that one time when you were eight, you’re the person you are because of that awful haircut you had in seventh grade. You exist because of all of that.

So, nothing pisses me off more than when someone uses an incomplete quote. “A jack of all trades is a master of none” without the second half: “but oftentimes better than a master of one” (everyone say thank you Shakespeare) has an entirely different meaning. The first half by itself is utilized to shame people into ignoring things they love or are interested in; meanwhile the full quote praises people interested in a variety of things. Ignoring context literally erodes the meaning behind anything. Machiavelli said “it’s better to be feared than to be loved.” Wrong. Loud incorrect buzzer. Kind of. As Malcolm Gladwell writes, “it’s not wrong, exactly, it’s just incomplete.” (Or something like that anyways.) Yes, Machiavelli did write that. Congrats! But you forgot a kinda, semi, VERY FUCKING IMPORTANT component of that quote. “It is better to be feared than to be loved if one cannot have both.” It should be common sense right? I wish. Ask anyone about their opinion on the incomplete quote and see how many of them think they’re revolutionary when they say “oh I’d rather have both!” If the full quote doesn’t seem to make a difference in your mind, great! But there’s still more context that you need to know to actually understand it (let alone teach it (Mr. History teacher that is NOT a philosophy teacher and should not try to be one)). The quote is from The Prince, a writing in which Machiavelli talks about what makes a good leader. In his opinion, The Prince should know when to utilize love and fear to his advantage. Be loved by your people and feared by your enemies. Seem more trusting than you are so you can see who is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He says that one should prefer to be feared than to be loved in time sensitive situations, not sustainably. That when things need immediate change being feared makes a stronger and more effective leader (which is unequivocally correct and I’m tried of hearing otherwise). So again, without context: a random quote that no one agrees with or really understands at all, whatsoever vs. with context: the assertion that in times of need it is better to be respected and feared than it is to be loved. Or, a personal favorite “dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum.” I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am. Oh wow! So cool, he thinks therefore he is - being capable of thought means I exist, how neat! Not wrong, sure, but lacking context. What makes the philosophy so powerful is the fact that it’s a paradox. You doubt your existence, therefore you are capable of thought, therefore you exist. Because you doubt your existence, you prove that you exist. But if you are then confident you exist, do you no longer exist anymore? And now you doubt it again. Without context, it’s just words on a page, nothing notable or interesting. Without looking for the context it’s yet another thing people will complain about having to learn because “why does it even matter?”

It’s the same with characters. Armand is batshit fucking insane, yes, but he only is that way because of who he is. The tv show fails his character when they age him up, because even with some of his backstory, he is the way he is mainly because he’s eternally trapped in the body of a 17 year old. ____ is too trusting! Maybe in different circumstances, yes, but that character is the way they are because of the life experiences they’ve had. ____ is the right amount of trusting for the life they’ve lived.w

It’s the same for people too!!! Please find it within you to have basic human empathy! Someone is the way they are because of their life experiences. You can’t have something happen to you, good or bad, and not be affected by it. Someone can only change if their experiences change. No, it’s not your responsibility to change someone’s behavior or to tolerate it, but it is your responsibility to try to understand why someone is the way they are.

Empathy and media literacy are so clearly intertwined it’s would be comical if it wasn’t depressing. Read between the lines, try to understand things that you don’t get immediately. The curtains aren’t just blue. It doesn’t matter if it’s to represent sadness or just because it’s the author’s favorite color or even because the author was so indecisive they made someone else pick it, there’s still a reason. Anti-intellectualism is the curse that keeps on dooming us all.

#wow I say things a lot #i just have a lot of thoughts #and feelings #okay?#okay #you think you just fell out of a coconut tree?#context #shakespeare #niccolo machiavelli #the outliers #iwtv #armand #amc iwtv #malcolm gladwell #thank you for your service #rene descartes #the curtains are blue #for a reason #no no context PLEASE

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notesfromthepalace · 6 months ago

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Thank God it's (T.G.I.) Friday

Y'all remember T.G.I. Fridays?

It's story time Sissy Poohs!

I think this was two Christmas seasons ago.

Y'all know I love being on Holiday. I went back home to spend Christmas and New Years with my family back on the East coast.

Honestly, I don't like going back home too often. Certain aspects of being in my hometown makes me uncomfortable.

"Why does it make you uncomfortable Sarah"?

Since you asked:

Something I have experienced over the last two to three years is running into people I may have went to high school or college with back home who lack ambition and discipline or are just complacent and very content with where they are in life - except when they see me.

I say the following as humbly as possible: I may only be 26, but I have accomplished a tremendous amount in this quarter of a century, by the grace of God.

I graduated college at the age of 21 - Dean's list - with a Bachelor's of Science in Chemistry and a minor in Biology. During my collegiate career, I traveled to Europe as an intern at the University of Science and Technology. I also interned at one of the most profitable Pharmaceutical companies - in the world.

After college, I commissioned in the United States Army as a Chemical Officer and traveled the world. I was living right outside of Seattle, enjoying city life, looking good, smelling better, driving my man's BMW - really giving WAG (Wife and Girlfriend of professional athlete - that's how rich I was looking, okay) for real.

I also received two IT certifications as I was leaving the Army and am currently back in school taking prerequisite courses to enter into an Accelerated Bachelors of Science in Nursing (ABSN) program. Did I mention I got straight A's this semester?

I'm also a home owner, a blogger and fiancée.

Oh, and I brought Sexy back, too. I'm over 20+ pounds down, eating healthy and working out 5-6 times a week.

Maybe its because I am an over achiever but this is really normal tempo to me and I actually feel like I could be doing more. But to people who chose not to do anything with their lives and are stationary, act weird when you pop up.

And to be clear, I don't really care about other people's complacency. But people act so weird when they see you - to a point where it's like "damn, what's good for real".

For example, one night my mom, sister and I went to TGI Friday's to grab a quick bite before heading to the movies.

By the way, I hate chain restaurants. But back in the day, like my high school and even some of my college days, TGI Fridays, Applebees, and Olive Garden used to actually be good. But the quality of the cuisine and and service has severely plummeted. That's why I typically avoid chain restaurants, five star plus, okay?!

Back to Fridays. We're seated by a hostess and the waitress was suppose to be someone I went to middle and high school with. But from what I could see, she saw me and asked another waitress to take the table. And no, it wasn't because she was busy; we were one of maybe three families seated.

Now for context. I was bullied a lot in middle school - which I'm not mad about because I feel like it helped me build character, personality and also taught me how to stand up for myself.

The waitress who avoided waiting on us like a coward, was one of those bullies.

I don't know if my success, or how beautiful I looked or even her own insecurities finally slapped the hell out of her, but she was visually in dismay.

Mind you, I'm very classy, so I said nothing. I informed my mom and my sister about the incidents that occurred in grade school and how she left me alone once I became a cheerleader on the high school team. When I first made the junior high team in the seventh grade - it was no longer bullying per say, but more of taunting, like "oh so you think you're something because you're a cheerleader"? I never said anything like that, but she obviously did since she paid so much attention to it.

Fast forward about ten years later, I'm just back home for the holiday to visit my sister and mother. I moved away a long time ago.

I don't use Facebook as much, but I made my Facebook back in high school, meaning people I went to school with were Facebook friends with me. The very few times I go on there to check on family members the I may not get a chance to talk with as often, I see what everyone has been up to, or lack of movement actually.

Everyone (not really everyone, but a lot of people) is either in jail, a single mother, crashing out and looking terrible or reminiscing about junior high or high school which is wild to me. I wouldn't say I didn't have fun in high school, like come on, I was on the varsity cheerleading team since I was a freshman, I had fun.

But high school is not the highlight of my life. Like let's be for real: I look back at my pictures from high school, and even college like "eew". Not because I was ugly, but that was a while back where how I dressed, did my hair and makeup, you couldn't pay me to look like that anymore. It's called evolving. And as great as my life has been, I still don't actually feel like I have experienced the best days of my life yet. Not because I am not grateful, but because I do know and believe I haven't reached my fullest potential yet. I'm headed in the right path, but there are still better days to come. And in the words of my fiancé, "life begins at 40".

Back to homegirl.

After she avoided me the whole time, I went to the restroom because I needed to use the bathroom, obviously. As I am leaving the bathroom, homegirl runs into me, and couldn't even look me in my face as she was saying "excuse me".

Again, I don't know if it was jealousy, hate, or maybe even guilt. Homegirl was really mean to me - for no reason. Now that I am older, and understand why people, girls and women specifically, act the way they do, she probably had a lot going on at home and the only way she could get attention was to be the school mean girl, loud, boisterous, and hella ghetto. Does that pardon her behavior, no. And I honestly forgot about her halfway through high school. If I didn't see her at TGI Fridays, homegirl would never cross my mind.

I hope she finds the reassurance and self-worth she was craving all these years, because it seems that she still may be craving it.

I hope that for anyone who was weird to me growing up who acts even weirder now.

I brought up all of my accomplishments in the beginning because, sometimes I really do forget that I have done a lot, and when you as a person are doing well, it brings people's insecurities and lack of achievements to the surface for them.

Don't ever make yourself or your accomplishments smaller to cater to people's insecurities. That means, if going into certain spaces makes you feel like you're bragging, don't go to those places. You don't have to accept all invitations. Further more, be weary of people who are condescending and make you feel like you're bragging, major red flag.

Since I don't do New Year's Resolutions, what I will say is this: I have chosen to move with intentionality since 2022 and I will continue to do so. I will keep achieving all of my goals. I will keep my relationship with God at the forefront of my life, I will marry my fiancé, I will be financially savvy this year, and I will continue to slay, because that's what real bad gyals do.

With Love,

The Original and the Only,

Sarah Chanel

P.S.

Again, Merry Christmas!

#black women #black women in luxury #luxuriousbw #black femininity #luxury #black women in leisure #blackwomen #black women fashion #black beauty #black love #merry christmas #xmas #merry xmas #xmas time #xmas 2024 #happy new year #2025

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inimitablereel · 6 months ago

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so you want to watch a Hallmark Hanukkah Movie

Last year @heliological and I watched all 7 Hallmark Hanukkah Movie that were out at the time (plus the one lifetime hanukkah movie, Menorahs and Mistletoe) to make a cool fanvid. Actually, you don't need to have seen any of these movies to watch that so I'm going to shamelessly stick that in the body of this post

I've just watched the two movies that came out this year, so, below the cut, my personal ranking of every Hallmark Hanukkah Movie (plus mistletoe and menorahs which I'm declaring an honorary hallmark movie)

Perhaps it shouldn't be surprising that watching 10 Hallmark* movies set in December means a lot of exposure to that other December holiday. Personally I avoid Christmas as much as possible, but I hear some people love it, so I'll rate each of these movies on 3 axes:

Hallmark: how much christmas is in a movie (higher is worse imo)

Hanukkah: how much this movie knew (or got wrong) about Judaism (according to me, one Jew on the internet)

Movie: okay but was it actually fun to watch (again, according to me)

Round and Round (2023)

Rachel gets stuck in a timeloop on the seventh night of Hanukkah. Hallmark: 1: Christmas barely exists in this movie, and every character we know celebrates a holiday specifically celebrates chanukah. A 1 instead of a 0 because there are a few moments of Christmas existing in the world (true to life in north america in december, unfortunately)

Hanukkah: 8: loses a point for a couple of incorrect props, but generally seems like it knows what it's doing about hanukkah/feels like a reasonable portrayal of Jews

Movie: 10: this is the only one of these that I told people irl to go see: I genuinely liked and would recommend this movie! I love timeloops, I found the romance genuinely very compelling and handled well with the context of the timeloop, it was really charmingly nerdy, so I'm 100% the target audience for this one. Dropout fans may note that one of the leads is played by Vic Michaelis.

Hanukkah on the Rocks (2024)

An old town dive bar turns into a Hanukkah party when just-laid-off lawyer Tory gets pulled into the community.

Hallmark: 0: I just finished this movie and I honestly don't remember there being any Christmas in it at all? It was mentioned as existing once? A real breath of fresh air as compared to the other Hallmark Hanukkah movie from this year

Hanukkah: 9: This gets bonus points for remembering that Jewish holidays other than Hanukkah exist. It was a little hokey at times about shared jewish experiences or whatever, but such is hallmark. Deducted the last point because I am mad about "Hanukkah in July"

Movie: 7: The description of this movie doesn't do it credit - it's surprisingly fun to watch! The main actors are pretty good and it was fun to watch everyone interacting. The pacing was a little wonky and the ending was a little rushed because this was way more focused on figuring out what you want in life/forming community than the actual romance plot. But I love the kind of romance that's actually a late coming of age story and this overall worked pretty well.

Hitched for the Holidays (2012)

Nice Jewish Girl Julie and Catholic boy Rob find each other on Craigslist looking for fake dates for the holidays. Shenanigans ensue when Rob pretends to Julie's family to be Jewish.

Hallmark: 5: this definitely had a fair bit of Christmas in it, since his family celebrates Christmas, but we're grading on a curve here because if I recall correctly this at least doesn't try to explain Christmas to the Jewish girl or do a kiss under a Christmas tree. It's set over pretty much the whole month of December so it's as much a new years movie as a christmas movie in that sense.

Hanukkah: 7: I'm giving this a relatively high rating despite it mostly showing Hanukkah celebration that's messed up on purpose as a joke about how the goyish boyfriend doesn't know anything about Hanukkah. So we get things like him blowing out a menorah, but hey, them including that as a joke means that the creators of this movie know that you're not supposed to blow out a menorah!

Movie: 6: I thought it was a pretty good romcom. It has a real plot arc, and it's doing some fun tropes. I will say that this movie runs on cringe humor, which I don't love but at least it's doing something. This is one of two movies I watched in 2022, so I may be underselling it a bit because I've forgotten, but it was actually pretty memorable.

Holiday Date (2019)

Nice Jewish Boy Ethan is hoping to get an acting gig in a play that involves small town Christmas, so he volunteers to pretend to be Brooke's boyfriend when her real boyfriend dumps her just before going to her parents' for Christmas.

Hallmark: 10: this is a Christmas movie that has a Jewish boyfriend

Hanukkah: 4? this didn't get anything wrong about hanukkah iirc but it's really not a movie about Hanukkah and it doesn't have a ton of screentime. They light some candles and have latkes and soufganiot

Movie: 8: Ethan's actor, Matt Cohen (who imdb tells me was on a few spn episodes back in the day?), made this movie. He was just shockingly charming and enthusiastic about everything in a way that made it somehow work for me even though I simply would not be anything like that level of enthusiasm in his place. And the fake dating plot worked pretty well. It does run into the classic hallmark conservatism, so even grading on a scale that ignores the Christmas of it all I don't want to give it full marks, but it was a notably way better, more cohesive, and more fun to watch movie than a bunch of these. This did make me say oh if I liked Christmas some of these movies would be fun vs many of the hanukkah ones are deeply mediocre in a way that isn't really fun, but that may mean if you have a tolerance for Christmas you have choices that are even better than this one. This one actually has the worst rating on letterboxd of every movie here, which, again, suggests that if you like Christmas there are better movies (with fewer Jews) and if you don't like Christmas this is so much Christmas.

Eight Gifts of Hanukkah (2021)

Who could be leaving Sara all these Hanukkah gifts? Surely not her good friend who used to be the boy next door. How will she choose between the mystery gift giver and the chef she just met online?

Hallmark: 2: I'd forgotten about this one honestly but it's really not about Christmas! They do have a half-Hanukkah-half-Christmas display because Sara's business partner is Christian, but honestly, it's pretty cute! The chef isn't Jewish but he doesn't force Christmas on her and is interested in her family's hanukkah celebration which is honestly very charming, so maybe this movie really deserves bonus points for knowing that Christmas exists but not being obnoxious about it

Hanukkah: 8: detracting some points for the JCC running a "Hanukkah hunt" which I personally hate. Also at one point someone carries a lit menorah? I don't think that's not kosher it just seems dangerous. Gets a bonus point for having a hanukkah song that isn't made up for the movie in it as instrumental background music!

Movie: 6: I have this in my notes as "perfectly functional romcom". Tbh this one may have been a worse watching experience just because I watched too many mediocre movies all at once, I think it was pretty okay. Also gets bonus points from me for not being set in NYC

Hanukkah on Rye (2022)

Jacob and Molly have a meet-complicated when they realize that the delis that they're both inheriting are competing .... but also secretly they've been paired up by a matchmaker at the same time.

Hallmark: 1: Tragically this is our last one that is not about Christmas. a 1 instead of a perfect 0 because the magical matchmaker who wears red and white and has glasses that glint in a particular way felt Christmassy to heliological, the Christmas Movie Knower of the two of us (also there's a Christmas tree in the lobby of the building they live in)

Hanukkah: 9: sure yeah this one knew about Hanukkah and was generally reasonably culturally aware. Detracting a point because their latkes do not actually look good to me (and imo deli latkes aren't really a big hanukkah thing?) but this is just me looking for reasons to mark it down [EDIT: apparently this is in fact an NYC thing, so like this movie reflects A Jewish Experience just not MY Jewish Experience]

Movie: 4: Unfortunately this one wasn't so much bad as boring, which is the worst crime in a movie imo. I wasn't super drawn in by the leads or their romance. Hallmark movies love having family screentime, but there was a little too much family in this one and they didn't really get individual personalities. If you're the kind of person who wants to watch a hallmark hanukkah movie you may still like it? Certainly some folks on the internet thought it was the best one up to that date. The one good part of this movie to me was that there was grandma yuri.

Leah's Perfect Gift (2024)

Nice Jewish Girl Leah loooooves Christmas (because she's been poisoned by living in a hallmark universe) so she's thrilled that her boyfriend has invited her to his family's Christmas celebration. Unfortunately, when she gets there, his mom is... not super welcoming?

Hallmark: 10: this is a Christmas movie

Hanukkah: weirdly, also 10? The problem with this movie is after about the first 15 minutes the fact that Leah is Jewish was almost never addressed again. (I'll get to that more in the movie section, I think it actually let down the plot.) But those first 15 minutes of establishing? They must've gotten some Jews involved with making this movie! In very little time they showed more Jewish culture (and Jewish culture that isn't specifically about Hanukkah) than several of these that were nominally all about Hanukkah. They know about another Jewish holiday! They namedrop Maimonides!!! The mom is PERFECT. Anyways wish this had been visible in Leah in the rest of the movie.

Movie: 6: hallmark is simply too cowardly to follow through on the premise they set up here: how do you navigate a holiday you don't celebrate with a family that really doesn't want you there. This was trying to thread the needle of things are going wrong for her because she's Jewish and doesn't have the right cultural expectations around Christmas ... but also all of the problems are specific to this family and will be dealt with by the individual problem causers realizing they were wrong (on their own) and apologizing. It's doing something as a movie! That's a bold choice! Unfortunately it doesn't pull it off, and the failure to pull it off made me go from liking to hating the boyfriend because he subjects Leah to the gauntlet of his garbage family Christmas and then doesn't really do anything to support or protect her. Leah should've gotten together with Tricia the general store clerk who as far as I can tell is only in this movie to hype Leah up and listen to her problems. Also thematically I would've liked more moments of Leah bringing her own background into this celebration - it didn't really feel like her failures at this family's Christmas were because she's Jewish or even because she doesn't celebrate Christmas - this family's Christmas was just very bad and weird.

Love, Lights, Hanukkah! (2020)

Christina is adopted but she gets a DNA test that reveals that she's biologically Jewish and therefore she obviously wants to reconnect with her birth family at the "most magical time of the year"... Hannukah.

Note: I watched this one in 2022 and it did NOT make a big impression so this will be my least accurate review

Hallmark: 6: I think there was a bunch of Christmas

Hanukkah: 7: I don't think this did anything egregiously wrong but it wasn't particularly good about Jewish rep either. There's a fundamental problem with your main character is adopted and her first view of Judaism is going to be all about Hanukkah...

Movie: 4: forgettable :p

Mistletoe and Menorahs (2019)

Christy loooooves Christmas and doesn't know anything about Hannukah but she needs to know about it for work. Nice Jewish Boy Jonathan needs to decorate his apartment for Christmas to impress his goyish girlfriend's father. Surely these are equivalently unknown cultures that they can have a nice time sharing.

Hallmark: 9: not a Full On Christmas Movie but it spends a lot of time Explaining Christmas

Hanukkah: 6: I don't think this is super informative about Hanukkah and doing it as a Teaching Experience when it's super basic stuff to me is kind of annoying. Also some truly garbage looking latkes made by Christy. But it gets the bonus point for knowing that another Jewish holiday exists!

Movie: 3: let's learn about Christmas was never going to be a compelling plot to me, and Christy is also just not very good at coming up with toy ideas for someone whose job that is? My notes say this is "pretty middle of the road for these" which is more damning of the whole Hallmark Hanukkah Movie concept than this movie in particular

Double Holiday (2019)

Nice Jewish Girl Rebecca is tragically forced to throw the office Christmas party with her work rival. At the end of this they do get together, obviously

Hallmark: 9: Sooo much Christmas. Did you know that dinosaur cookies are insufficiently Christmas for Christmas cookies? There is a kiss in front of a Christmas tree

Hanukkah: 5: they get big into spinning dreidels upside-down? Why. And their latkes don't look good. I don't remember them doing anything else Obviously Wrong but it wasn't good.

Movie: 3: I didn't like this one, which was mostly about the Christmas of it all but also it wasn't good

Congrats on making it all the way here Hallmark you should consider making a movie for Any Other Jewish Holiday sometime. My mom tells me that there is at least (and perhaps exactly) one decent Hanukkah romance novel so it's not like the options are so much better book-wise

#I was going to wait until it was actually hanukkah to do this but whatever it's next week close enough #this years movies have certainly already been out for at least a week #and I wanted to watch something stupid last night #I am not patient enough to write this and then queue it #hallmark movies #I guess #hanukkah #sometimes you have to do a dramatic review post that no one wanted

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