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how-do-i-delete-this-acc · 2 years

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suna rintaro here. my girlfriend, y/n, is being distant today and i don't know why. let me tell you about what happened.

we were supposed to have our separate zooms with her on my lap, but she left to a different room near the very beginning. she tried to play it off with "i have a pop quiz and i need to focus. can't have my grade drop just because i can't focus on your lap with your zoom in the background," but we all know that that is absolute bs. she could've focused on my lap just fine, and we all know that failing a 10-point pop quiz from chiahara-sensei happens to the best of us. and if you're wondering, i am the best of the best.

then, after we both finished our annoyingly long 1.5 hour lectures, (well she claimed hers was in fact a 40-point pop quiz/test but it def wasn't) she refused to cook together. she said something like, "rin, you burned yourself last time, remember? go sit down," but that, too, is bs. yes, i spilled hot water on my sweats last time i tried to make pasta, but it was on my knee, so it wasn't like it was a big deal anyways. i don't know why she kept making excuses.

then, after we finished eating the meal she cooked without me, she had the audacity to get on a zoom call when i didn't have one. and after that terrible offense, she refused to sit on my lap for it AGAIN. she said that inuzuka-sensei was always more strict about what we wore in zooms, and i wouldn't get away with no shirt on like soma-sensei let me. when i told her that her body would block mine, she said that my chest and shoulders would still be perfectly visible. then, she guilted me by saying that she didn't want other girls to see my "perfectly toned abs," as she called them. AND THEN she had the impudence to TEASE ME and LIE TO ME by telling me my cheeks and ears were getting red! couldn't believe her.

then, after all our classes were over, she refused to cuddle with me because APPARENTLY her friend's sister a block down rolled and sprained her ankle, and that it was getting pretty bruised and swollen. she also added that her friend didn't have any advil or experience in injuries, and apparently she was asked to bring some advil, a compression bandage, and a couple ice packs. when i told her that her friend could just buy some and that she could get her own ice pack, she tried to get out of it by telling me that her friend's sister was only 5, was bawling her eyes out, refused to be left alone but also screamed louder when she was picked up, and that we also had a lot to spare because we have a ton of supplies in the closet because of my constant volleyball injuries. again, absolute bs. her friend could just go grab everything herself. what did it matter that the kid was crying? fuck kids! do you know how funny those youtube videos of kids getting hurt and crying are? people enjoy them for a reason. it's because kids are annoying as hell and it's fun to watch them get injured. im subscribed to like 10 of those kinds of channels. her friend is literally getting free entertainment and y/n obviously just wants to watch the free entertainment WITHOUT ME because she'd rather be with her stupid friend than me.

all in all, please help. i don't know why she's so distant today. is she mad? please give me tips!

@.su.rin post made at 4:16pm

comments: @.y/n.l/n: HELP WHAT IS THIS @.y/n.l/n: for the record i got an a+ on that so it was worth it @.y/n.l/n: love u always rin <333 @.su.rin: reply to @.y/n./l/n- ik that u hate me its ok

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heartsoji · 1 year

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suna rintaro here. my girlfriend, y/n, is being distant today and i don't know why. let me tell you about what happened.

all in all, please help. i don't know why she's so distant today. is she mad? please give me tips!

@.su.rin post made at 4:16pm

comments: @.y/n.l/n: HELP WHAT IS THIS @.y/n.l/n: for the record i got an a+ on that so it was worth it @.y/n.l/n: love u always rin <333 @.su.rin: reply to @.y/n./l/n- ik that u hate me its ok

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unfiltered-unscripted · 10 months

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actually, it’s worth it.

My first writing post! This is about one of those nights when you think you’re being the worst parent. You guessed it, it’s about bedtime routine. A struggle that I believe every mom in the world has faced it at least once. It’s angsty, but heart-warming at the end. Based on true story.

---

It’s been too long since the last time I cried, not that I wanted it, but tears that came down to my cheeks last night made me realize that. I was tired, exhausted even, to bring my child - almost 3 years old - to sleep. It’s always like this. I need to bring her to sleep, doing a sleep routine for 2 hours a day on average. Let me repeat, 2 freaking hours per day. It means 14 hours in a week. That’s the amount of effort I need to put just to get my daughter to sleep.

I’ll tell you what our sleep routine looks like. At 7 PM we finish dinner, I bathe her and we brush our teeth. At 7.30 PM, she’s already in her pajamas. She makes a space for me to sit in her tiny bed and she’s ready to listen to the bedtime stories. Not 1, nor 2, but 3 bedtime story books I read every single night for her. She always begs me to read “just another one” with her cute smile and I can’t say no to that face.

Almost 8 PM, and it means it's time to turn off the light. I lay next to her because she wants me to sleep next to her until she falls asleep and then I can move to my bed. The dread part is this one, I pretend to sleep for 1 to 1.5 hours. I can’t move because the bed is small and full of her dolls that she insists also need to sleep next to her, she’s restless and kicks me intentionally and unintentionally on my stomach, my legs, my head, and my crotch. She plays with my hair, can’t stop talking, and really - she’s not sleepy yet. Meanwhile I’m making myself tiny, find the most corner part of the bed, and hope that soon she will fall asleep.

In the darkness and quietness - I know she’s not asleep yet - I keep thinking about the amount of time that I lose every day. Imagine the things that I can do in 2 hours. I can read a book, I can learn German, I can learn about data - I can be productive. I imagine my colleagues who mostly don’t have children, how their activities might look at night. They keep upskilling their skills, attending online courses that our company paid for - my manager advised me to get it too but again my reason is “I don’t have time”. Or they can just watch movies, play video games, or go outside to a nice restaurant, take a stroll in the city. It could be me, but I’m trapped in the corner of this bed.

By the time she’s asleep, it’s already 9.30 PM. I’m already tired, my brain doesn’t function anymore so I can’t learn. I try to make up for the 2 hours that I have lost by scrolling my phone, reading a book, watching a short movie if there’s anything interesting, try to find alone time with my husband if I’m in the mood - lately there’s none - but never learning, because my brain can’t learn complex things after 9 PM.

Back to last night, the time that I cried, I don’t know what time it was exactly but I felt it’s been eternity that I had been pretending to sleep. I know she wasn’t asleep yet even though I turned my back on her, I know she grabbed her books. In between sleeping and sitting, she tried to see the pictures in the book in the lack of lights. Literally gave no signs of sleepiness at all as she kept humming and turning pages after pages in the book. Meanwhile I’ve put some effort into sleeping next to her for the past 1.5 hours, she gave no effort to sleep at all. I felt angry, really angry, something inside me has ticked off - why can’t she just sleep?! Why doesn’t she try?! Fucking hell.

I turned my body to face her - violently, “Why are you not sleeping yet?!!” a little bit too harsh, a little bit too angry, and she froze because she’s never seen this version of me before. I remembered my dad at this moment, he used to be angry and yell at me all the time when I was a little. “That’s okay to be angry sometimes,” I thought, to show my daughter that I can be frightening too.

She’s stopped looking at the picture, and just looked at me silently, maybe she’s confused. I couldn’t help it anymore, I couldn’t pretend to sleep and lay next to her for another second, I just couldn’t. I sat up and left her bed. She asked “Mama, where are you going?”

“I’m sleeping in MY bed” I moved to my bed which is only a few steps away from hers, laid down, and pulled the blanket up to my chin.

And she began to cry, I wasn’t surprised, I expected it. On normal days I would give in and go back to her bed directly, but this isn’t a normal day, I wanted to put a stop to this sleeping routine madness. She cried louder and louder, “Mama, come here!” she said a few times in the middle of crying. I didn’t bulge, I didn’t care if she would throw up, hell, if this is what it takes to make her sleep independently, so be it.

But then she climbed off of the bed and ran frantically to my bed, shaking my body, “Mama… Mama…”. She tried to find my face in the darkness and when she found it she stuck her face to mine, pouring her tears and runny nose to my cheeks. I didn’t say anything but I got up from the bed. I had no other choice, if this kept going, she would forcely climb onto my bed. I went back to her bed, she followed me behind with tears.

She kept crying and crying even though both of us were already sitting on her bed again. But I didn’t want to pretend to sleep anymore, I had enough. “Why are you not sleeping yet? I’m here now! Sleep!” I raised my voice and pointed at her pillow. She wiped her tears and seemed like she’s scared of me. She ran to her pillow and laid down while hugging a bigger one beside her. She cried silently while hiding her face with the pillow, for the first time I saw her cry like this - trying to comfort herself because at that moment she can’t rely on me to calm her down, I was the one who she’s afraid of.

I distanced myself from her, she looked at me a few times to check if I was still angry or not, then she laid back down again because she knew I still couldn’t be bothered. I sat at the corner of the bed and leaned my back to the wall behind me, “at least I’m not pretending to sleep,” I thought. But I kept my patience to sit silently, waiting for her to fall asleep. I stared at the darkness, and didn't know what to think. I started to cry.

Some minutes later I didn’t notice any movement from her anymore. I looked at her and she hugged her mare doll, her favorite. She has fallen asleep. I got off of the bed, grabbed my things and went to the living room.

My husband who was busy on his computer heard the door open. He immediately knew my bad mood, the tiredness on my face and maybe a few tears left under my eyes gave him clues. He followed me to the living room.

“How was it?” he asked.

“I can’t, I can’t do this anymore…” I touched my forehead and combed my hair with my fingers. I looked in every direction in the room, trying to find peace. “Two freaking hours trapped in a tiny bed with her, getting kicked on, she was not sleepy at all, I kept waiting and waiting but she didn’t even put any effort into sleeping…”

“What should we do about it?” he asked again. I love my husband, but I wish sometimes he’s the one who’s bringing solutions.

“Just lock her up in the bedroom? When it’s bedtime, 7 PM, just lock her up in the bedroom. I don’t care anymore.” I said, I genuinely thought there’s no other way around it.

“We can’t do that, it’ll only make her scared even more,” my husband said. I sat silently on the sofa. “Maybe we should move our dinner time even earlier, at 5 PM, then getting ready to sleep at 6 PM”

“It doesn’t fucking work! No matter what we do, no matter how tired she was in the afternoon, once she climbed that bed, it’s fucking play time for her! She’s not asleep anymore!” I half-yelled at him. He didn’t understand me, I thought. “It’s easy for you to say that because it wasn’t you. It’s not you who brings her to sleep every night…” I said.

My husband looked annoyed. “Fine. Tomorrow night, I’m the one who will bring her to sleep. How about that?”

“Sure. Just try. Maybe she won’t act the way she acted if it’s not me” I replied.

Silent. I was still annoyed with my husband's suggestion to start the sleep routine earlier at 6 PM. What does he want me to do? Laying on the bed for 3 hours now?

He stood up from his chair and asked “Do you want donuts? I bought them earlier this afternoon,”

I shyly nodded because I still want to be angry, but now he’s bringing me donuts. I can’t hide a little smile on my face. He also made me tea.

---

The morning came. Last night I went to sleep at 2 AM, “I deserve it…” I thought. I deserved to have a little bit of me time, so I listened to music and read a book. The clock showed 6.30 AM, my daughter woke up, and I was the one she’s called for, “Mama? Mama?”

I wanted to sit up and move to her bed, but my husband did it faster than me. Maybe he also thought that I still needed to rest a little bit more. I think I dozed up again for a few minutes. Once I woke up again, my husband wasn’t on my daughter’s bed anymore and she’s sleeping alone.

Finally she woke up, maybe at 7.30 AM, she cried again, asking for me. My husband came inside the bedroom and tried to sooth her. She still wanted me, so I stood up, annoyed. I sat on her bed and she threw herself to my body immediately, “Mama!”. She looked relieved.

She gave me a smile and tried to get my attention. Maybe she wanted to check if I’m still angry at her or not. I was still angry, so I just half-heartedly returned her smile. “Let’s go” I said to her and walked into the living room.

The whole morning she tried to make me smile and I ignored her. My husband tried to give her a pep talk when they’re alone in the living room while I escaped to the bedroom again. But it turns out she doesn’t remember a thing that happened last night. I tried to distance myself from her this morning, usually I’m the one who dresses her up and gets her ready to go to the nursery, but not today. Finally my husband and she went out to the front door and her voice suddenly disappeared - I didn’t even say goodbye.

I fell asleep again, maybe for another 30 minutes. I felt bad, really bad, for still being angry at her. For being angry at a freaking 3 years old who doesn’t even remember what happened last night. She doesn’t understand why she needs to say sorry to me when her father asked her to do so. She’s just a confused little girl who saw her mother acting weirdly distant. And now I miss her.

—

I washed my face and started to get ready to work. While I was doing it, I kept thinking about my daughter. Her smile, her fun personality, I love her more than anything and she gives me joy more than anything - except when it’s bedtime. I started to think maybe the bedtime is how I “pay” for her existence in my life. Maybe the time that I wanted for my personal development and for me is what I have to sacrifice to have her in my life. And at that moment, I thought, “actually, it’s worth it.”

#parenting story #parenting #mom #writing

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ithisatanytime · 10 months

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[AMV] Xavier Wulf - The Last Jewel (Prod. By J.Schlump)

this is gonna be a long post thats only really gonna be interesting to me, but i google phenibut stories still to try to make sense of it, this guys story is similar in many ways to mine with the doses and stuff, but whats most interesting is the red light in his field of vision that he likened to being scanned by a barcode reader, because i did experience that which i affectionately referred to as robocop vision, and it legitimately made me have raccoon like night vision. the colorful aura as well, i laughed at his description of god mode and his conversations with his wife, this is the most based redditor thats ever lived.

“ If your dose continues to rise, you will start to experience some health issues like massive rises and crashes of blood pressure, blacking out, insomnia and more. You may start to have audio and visual hallucinations. And most assuringly, phenibut will just stop working at all.You may eventually OD if you decide one day to go on a binge because more is better right? ODing on phenibut is very unpleasant and can require acute medical attention. Raising your dose does not produce better effects. At best, you get the same results at at 9 g that you got at 3 g, but significant side effects start to materialize.Here is my story. I started out with kratom for many years. One kratom quit last year around July, I started a 2 g phenibut habit that was only supposed to last a few days. It went 6 days and by then I knew I was screwed. I was going to get WD. Of course the internet stories got me very concerned. So I just continued to take rather than going through WD. 2 g became 3g, became 6g, became 9g became 14-16g after 2 months where I “stabilized”.Between 3-6 g, I entered a sort of god mode phase. My mind could recall any experience or memory in my life. I could carry on incredibly complex mathematical and philosophical discussions with my wife. She just nodded her head as it was way above her understanding. Sex was off the charts and libido was constantly present. Amazing.I kept pushing the dose up because I was chasing the god mode which had disappeared at 9g. Remember the physical issues I discussed above? Those started at 9g. I also started to get strange hallucinations. One weird one was it looked as if my surroundings were being scanned with a red laxer (like a bar code reader). Giant read line would passed through my field of vision. There were auroras of bright colors everywhere (that wasn’t so bad).It was crazy how much powder I was consuming per dose. It literally felt like I was shoveling and I stopped being careful about even spoonfuls. They became very rounded teaspoons as I scooped and dumped rapidly.After 3 months, essentially my wife and her mother convinced me I had to go to rehab. I agreed. Only problem is no rehab or hospital would see me in my state. So I called American Addiction Centers and found two rehabs out of state that would help me.The night before I was to go, I stayed up all night , essentially realizing the extent to what I have done. Decided I might as well go out with a bang and did double my highest dose: 28 g. Was ok until morning when I had to go to airport. Wife had to drive me because by that point I was delirious and hallucinating. My body temp was very high and I could not get comfortable. I was dumping sweat with my head out the window. By the time I was at the airport, I was confused out of my mind and could hardly walk. Stairs and escalators were out of the question. I made it onto the plane with the help of a wheel chair. I really started to feel WD as I sat on the plane, waiting for take off. I thought this was going to be a long flight (even though only a 1.5 hour flight).I passed out and woke up in the ER near the airport with extreme body shaking that went on for 3 hours. Passed out again and woke up still shaking in cat scanner. Passed out again and woke again in bed. I was finally feeling better and ready to take the plain again after 3 hours. Nurse gave me some atavan (my first benzo) to relax me a bit and I passed out for 8 hours.When I woke, it was dark out side window and crew of icu staff were surrounding me busy with vitals. They said the only wake my blood pressure rose from a crash was to give me some phenibut (I had brought some in case it was needed to show rehab intake). Nothing else worked from naloxone to benzos to Snelling salts to, well, anything. I spend a few days in icu recovering with help of high dose benzos and other meds.I went down to rehab after Icu and finished phenibut detox for 10 days and went home. This happened around July last year. I stayed away from phenibut for a year. Used once or twice in last 5 months, but my gaba b receptors are still fried. Strong doses (1-2 g) do nothing for me. My tolerance never reset after last years phenibut blowout (my first real phenibut “habit”).Stop while you can or you may have physical issues like I described. It can get pretty dicy. It’s not worth it long before you hit a max dose. For me, phenibut stopped being beneficial somewhere between 6-9 g. It became negative and just made me feel normal as opposed to lifted.“

#youtube

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ocean-anchored · 1 year

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Dear future self… January 30, 2023

It’s Monday and I missed posting my week of highlights & good things.

Honestly this whole week has been pretty great, exhausting but great. I definitely over booked myself & had plans every single night & up to two to three different plans each day of the weekend & when the weekend came, Saturday I just crashed.

I’m really thankful for the relationship I’m building back up with Steven & Amanda. Finally have the condo stuff organized so meliss can sort he finances to start clearing that off. I met another girl friend this week that we had a great evening & connection. I just keep growing to love Amber. We’re so similar & we literally talk for hours every time we meet up, she really is a gem & im so thankful I found her & that we have such a good connection. I can see her being a longterm friend.

I’ve been growing my relationship back with meliss. That’s really nice. The first few weeks was real iffy & I know Steven got in my head a bit but man it was so healthy last weekend when meliss & I sat down & just aired everything & spoke from our hearts & really we’re able to listen to each other. It was so good.

With that being said, I’ve finally cut off Richardt. The shit he pulled, I think he started realizing that he totally fucked up & really tried to save it but I don’t trust him or anything he says. His words were always way too good & his actions more often than not reflected the opposite. As much as he didn’t want to part ways & he asked if we would be able to speak again after time passed, I don’t see it happening. Honestly I haven’t really thought about him much at all. Like the only times have been when I’ve check my story & see that he’s looked at it. Otherwise on a day to day im not finding myself thinking or reminiscing which I’m thankful for. I thought it would be really hard to do & to get over. Not saying it might not in the future & hit me but so far it’s been good.

Works been okay. This week I felt a little overwhelmed, thought that I wasn’t sure if I should be working both jobs and maybe take a step back. I’m so hung up & I go back & forth so often. It’s so nice having the extra money, helping pay other bills & save so I can enjoy life but the stress of Danny can be a lot. I’m not burnt out though, which is nice & a little surprising. Mostly because Ed doesn’t have insane amounts of work & because he takes a while to get back to me or task me which is nice though because the days I do work home it’s nice to really balance my day & I don’t have much stress.

I always check my time hopper app & look back on my memories from a year ago each day cause I usually find it funny. Today I had reread a lengthy post from 7 years ago writing about a fight travis & I had gotten into. I was mind boggled. I literally had said all the things that I said & felt at the end of our marriage. 1.5 years into our relationship & he was completely lying and saying the exact same things he was just last year. It blows my mind how I saw those red flags but I just loved him too much, was too insecure & so lost that I couldn’t & wouldn’t do anything to change it. I shake my head. Thinking what my life would have been like these last 8 years if I hadn’t continued that relationship. Where would I be today? Who would I have ended up with? Would I have even found my faith back? Would it have been worse, with someone else? Would I have been happier? What would my life be like? I can ask myself all those questions but as tough as it was & such a shame, it’s taught me so much & it really has made me who I am today. It’s pushed me back to God and to my faith. It’s strengthened my relationship with my family. It’s gained confidence in myself & who I am. It’s helped me feel worthy again & to know who I am. It was hell going through but being on this side, I’m not sure if I would have a do over. I don’t like regrets. It really has changed and grown who I am & for the most part, I am pretty happy with who I am & how far I’ve come & where my life is today.

#personal #dear future self #week recap #weekly update

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nautiscarader · 3 years

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2020 in animation - recap

So, 2020.

Yeah, I have to say I’m not entirely satisfied. Would not recommend, 1 star.

But I would be willing to bump it to 1.5, if only because of one factor: the animation.

Because I have to say, this was the best animated end of the world so far! And if there was something that kept our spirits up, it was the cartoon industry!

Just like last year, I should preface this by saying that this is highly subjective selection. Even when one is confined to their Hobbit holes for better part of the year because of *waves hands* everything around,

day still only has 24 hours, so I have missed a few shows. (I should also apologise for omitting a few major ones last year, like Milo Murphy’s Law S2, Ducktales, or She-Ra. This is why I started keeping a track this year). I’m sure I will catch up with those I missed this year some time in the future, but for now, let’s see what this year has gifted us with.

And right from the start, January opens the race with very interesting propositions. We were still riding on an incredibly high wave from last year, with Infinity Train season 2.

This one focused on Tulip’s mirror, and pushed the season towards a much darker and complex story, diving deep into one’s personal journey and identity. There were tears, math, deer, and cops being murdered. Brutally.

t was followed by two newcomers: The Owl House and first season of Kipo and The Age of the Wonderbeast. Both of them would dominate first half of the year, with The Owl House’s traditional, week-to-week airings, and Kipo's seasons appearing in June and October.

The Owl House, a strong contender in "What will be the Next Gravity Falls?" contest, invited us to a world full of magic, mystery, elongated owl demons and some dark secrets. It has also created a milestone for Disney, introducing an LGBT couple with characters of bisexual Luz Noceda and lesbian Amity Blight. Their Grom dance has risen to the top of my animates scenes, polling very closely to the unforgettable Kataango.

On the other hand, Kipo has taken us to the post-apocalyptic world filled with mutant animals, revealing that despite the end of the world, our old vices and animosities have survived in underground burrows, and we have infected the overworld of giant doggos and suit-wearing frogs with them.

Kipo did not pull any punches regarding commentary about our society, at the same time giving us hope in the form of the main protagonist, who was able to spread friendship and understanding amongst the mutes, as well as the humans that had to survive. And in the world that we have found ourselves in, it was a pretty darn good lesson.

February would bring end to two seasons of airing cartoons, Big Hero Six season 2 and Miraculous season 3, as well as another newcomer that won the hearts of fans: Glitch Techs, with its "second" season arriving in August. And while in my opinion he show wasn't as good as the other two new titles, I am clearly in minority, as the show about Ghostbuters-like team of game console technicians gained huge popularity... though not enough to keep the show afloat. As of writing this, it is currently in limbo, which is a shame, as the second set of 10 episodes finally added some much needed ongoing story.

in March, another show from last year ended - Steven Universe Future. As we have expected, it tackled slightly more mature themes, showing how much Steven needed that therapy we have wished him, telling an important tale of finding one's worth and one's self. its ending might not have been as explosive as those of the original show, or the movie, but it left Steven’s story as open as an open road, and deep in our hearts, we all knew it would look like this.

March was also the time when majority of western world caught the coronavirus, and that caused quite a turmoil with the movie and animation industry. One of the first victim of changed schedule was Disney's Onward, which was released on-line on Disney+ quickly after its theatrical release.

I have mixed feelings towards “Onward”. For such interesting promise, I think it made a few questionable and down right boring turns, though the unorthodox message at the end of it was its strongest point, and it was one I haven’t seen in a while, so it was worth watching just for that.

April was relatively quiet (aside from more end of the world stuff); brought us third season of Ducktales that spread throughout the year, while May gave us final, fifth season of She-Ra and the Princesses of Power.

To my eternal shame, I missed on this show when it premiered, and due to the lockdown, I binge-watched the previous four right in time for powerful and explosive season 5. And even though Catra and Adora finally gave us exactly what we needed, some fans felt slightly unsatisfied, calling for a movie, like the Steven Universe one to be made. And I’d be all for it, the rest of universe needs saving from the Horde! Also, cats in space - hilarious.

May also revealed a new player on the streaming field: HBO Max, who surprised us with new Looney Tunes Cartoons, much more in the spirit of the legendary originals than the often-criticised Looney Tunes Show from 2011-2014. And in my opinion, it did; one could feel the same fluidity in animation, dedication to slapstick, and synchronisation with music than in the very first cartoons with Bugs and Daffy.

HBO Max would, however, return in June with first of series of Adventure Time original movies called "Distant Lands". The first centred around BMO, with second one - Obsidian giving us a glimpse into Bonnibel and Marceline's lives.

Distant Lands allowed people to revisit the odd, odd world of Ooo and learn about its colourful inhabitants, taking turns to seeing their past and the future, an, as usual, showing us that post-apocalyptic world can teach us valuable and meaningful lessons.

Just in time for full lockdown in our burrows, aforementioned Kipo season 2 premiered in June, together with another cartoon movie, this time featuring We Bare Bears. While their movie wasn't anything to write songs about, it was exactly like the show, providing some wholesome content right when we needed it.

And just in case you needed more wholesome adventures, Craig of the Creek's second season ended, and its third season began, reminding us of HOW COOL LIFE WAS WHEN OUTERNET WASN’T SCARY AND WE COULD STILL WALK OUTSIDE FOR FUN AND NOT TO HUNT TOILET PAPER.

Just like last year, July was not dogs' days, but frogs'. Amphibia season 2 started raining on our heads, but unlike last year, its schedule wasn't a daily one, spreading the episodes throughout the Summer and early Autumn, with its second part arriving in February of 2021. There were more roadtrips, more mysteries and MORE MARCY.

August was equally strong: aforementioned Glitch Techs "season 2" premiered, offering better and more plot-heavy episodes than the first ten episodes. Unfortunately, the show's future is unclear; the uneven divide of plot between the seasons probably contributed to the show not being renewed. 10 new episodes apparently are written, but await in sleep mode, until Nickelodeon remembers about it.

HBO MAX picked up Infinity Train for its third season, after being derailed by Cartoon Network. And if you thought that killing a mirror cop was shocking... then this season has pushed the limit of what can be shown in modern children's cartoon to a frightening degree. The schedule was once again, weirder, with first five episodes airing on the day of the premiere, ending with a cliffhanger (literally) that only contributed to the shock factor and made us wait anxiously for its conclusion. It was bold, it was dark, it was memorable.

And just like Glitch Techs, Infinity Train waits on a side track, unsure if it will be picked up, or will it be abandoned and left as a canvas for graffiti artists.

However, to end the Summer, a truly amazing TV movie has arrived on Disney Plus, where we came back to good, old Danville and could witness Candace against the universe. The new Phineas and Ferb movie brought back the glorious memories of this fantastic show, with the same humour, writing, abundance of catchy songs and a surprisingly deep moral.

In September we have seen the start of Big Hero 6 season 3 and a odd change of format. Instead of standalone 22-minute episodes, the show now consists of two 11-minute segments. In opinion of many, this weakened the stories, forcing them to be more comedy-oriented, and shortening the potential emotional drama. Still, it gave us funny, short stories, but they did clash with the two previous season, not to mention the movie.

However, if that wasn't up to your taste, Ducktales season 3 also started airing, and continued its first part up until December with more action- and plot-driven episodes, including the Darkwing Duck crossover, serving as a pilot of the spin-off.

Later in December fans have learned that Season 3 will be its last, which broke the hearts of many duck fans; however, it seems that the season has been written as the last one in mind, and the news of the ending was known to the creators, which gives us hope for a kick-ass finale somewhere in 2021.

Miraculous New York, telling arguably one of the most mature storylines, opened the "Heroez" world to some new characters and new opportunities, with two more specials, taking place in Shanghai and Brazil, meant to air somewhere next year. AND I DO HOPE WE WILL SEE MORE LOCAL FOOD VENDOR SUPERHEROES LIKE HOT DOG DAN.

October was the month of two season 3's: Carmen Sandiego and Kipo. In case of Carmen, as it is usual with Netflix, the "season" was only a half-one, with just a handful standalone episodes, and just a dash of more ongoing plot.

For Kipo, however, season 3 was the end, and what a glorious one it was. Fans were saddened to learn of it, but Kipo was always imagined as a 3-part story, and it showed. The finale proved more than satisfying ending to the plot, elevating Kipo to one of the smartest cartoon characters we should all try to aspire to.

In November, Distant Lands: Obsidian aired, focusing on everyone’s favourite candy/vampire couple, and the long and complicated love between Bonnibel and Marceline. And as usual, it showed us that relationships are not always as straightforward as we would like them to be, but with enough music and teamwork, no enemy is big enough.

For the next new show, I’ve waited with the most amount of excitement and anxiety. Because while I was completely fine with other reboots and re-imaginings to take creative takes, new Animaniacs, (airing on Hulu) had to be perfect and had to be the lightning that struck twice.

And sadly... it wasn’t. It was still good, but some people criticised (incorrectly imho) the amount of political topics, while I mourned almost total cast-ration of additional characters, aside from Pinky and the Brain. This truly weakened the possibilities it could have had. It was still very good, but you can feel that some of the original charm was lost, due to these odd, odd limitations.

December brought us a new original Apple TV movie, Wolfwalkers. A beautifully animated folk tale of friendship and social divides, and how short-sight can cause the collapse of both arguing sides, reminding me very much of the intelligence and heart of original “How to Train Your Dragon”.

We’ve had to wait two years for the return of arguably one of the most wholesome shows out there: Hilda. Second season dived into deeper mysteries that permeate the rich and colourful troll-ridden land, we saw the return of some familiar characters, and introduced a whole new storyline, that ended with a surprising cliffhanger. Still as wholesome, but now with a tiny bit of Police incompetence. Also Twig, lots of Twig.

Just like Onward, Pixar’s highly anticipated Soul aired on Disney+, telling a very mature story about finding one’s purpose in life, what that purpose actually means, and whether it exists at all. Beautifully animated, with fantastic soundtrack, it was a stunning tribute to creativity, and it never dumbed down its profound, open message about following your dream.

And just if you thought that Soul was going to be 2020′s last note (pun very much intended), right before the year ended, DC Super Hero Girls concluded its first season on a rather anti-climactic two-parter. That being said, the season, running from March of last year, was packed with short, bite-sized, funny stories, taking interesting spins on existing comic book characters. For a comic book noob like me, it was perfectly fine, and I can’t wait for the second season next year.

And so, we have reached the series finale of humanity.

2020 ends in just under a day. What will 2021 bring us? I do not know, and if the animated shows of this year have taught me anything, is that the future is an always open book, full of worries and challenges, but also opportunities and possibilities.

...

And in reality I was too lazy to check any news sites about upcoming projects.

#infinity train #glitch techs #amphibia #kipo and the age of wonderbeasts #animaniacs #carmen sandiego #hilda #DuckTales #big hero 6 #distant lands #dc super hero girls #Miraculous Ladybug #spop #The Owl House

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1010ll · 3 years

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do you have any new recipes that you've learned recently? i remember you wrote something a while ago about carbonara and i tried it out for myself it was really fun!!

i love this 😭 im gonna write way too much idec! something that has changed since that post: my kitchen is worse. i have a horrible combi oven which has resulted in me accidentally eating raw chicken, because it had been in there for more than 2 hours at supposedly 230 °C and i was really hungry and thought it HAD to be done by then. also i have less time and less money lol. it has made me a bit sad, and less motivated to cook nice things but i also love food! which means these tips/recipes are gonna reflect that and might seem a bit dull but probably also relatable for a lot of people. i’ve definitely made spaghetti carbonara a bit too much because it’s simple and require few ingredients! will still vouch for that one tip about substituting the bacon with roasted veggies and other types of meat.

last week i made risotto for the very first time, i think? which means i might be assuming a bit too much, but i think it’s a great dish that you can almost make with whatever you have in your fridge. i made it with roasted beetroot(needs A LOT of time to soften, lesson learned), carrots and parsley root or parsnip(idk the difference), dried rosemary and thyme, garlic and onion. i had some leftover sushi rice, which is great for risotto apparently(love versatile ingredients), roasted them in some oil and then added white wine and chicken stock and actually added a leftover parmesan rind i had in the fridge to give the ‘stock’ some flavour, a bit of nutmeg and then in the end some shredded gouda lol… it was surprisingly delicious and i didn’t even really care to cook the rice perfectly. it also tasted delicious 3 days later, which was a nice surprise. i bet there are tons of risotto recipes online, but as long as you have rice, some kind of flavoured water, i guess you could kind of add whatever you want of veggies and top with whatever herb you have around.

another type of porridge i consume a lot these days is hot oat porridge, which i’ve eaten since i was little and it was the first ‘dish’ i learnt to make myself and it’s cheap. some people really dislike the consistency and look but i don’t. it’s also very easy to customise. i put in whatever nuts and seeds(which are often cheaper than nuts) i have around: flaxseed, sesame seeds, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, chopped almonds and sometimes a dollop of peanut butter. i let them simmer along with the oats. i like adding those elements because it gives it some texture and it keeps me more full throughout the day. it’s very important to me because i hate spending money i don’t have on fast-food when i’m not home and i hate being hungry. dried raisins, cranberries for a bit of sweetness and if i’m treating myself i’ll add some fresh apples cut into small pieces or some homemade berry compote(i use frozen) or brown sugar. if i had more money i’d use maple syrup but i don’t at the moment. i also add a bit of cinnamon and cardamom, dried ginger etc, whatever you feel like. some people also add milk afterwards but i’d rather spend my milk on my coffee.

a small tip: making chili flake / garlic oil. it’s really delicious, you could put it straight on pasta with some parmesan and pepper and it would be a filling meal. either chop the garlic really fine, grate it, microplane it, smash it to pieces. heat some olive oil until it’s quite hot, then remove from heat and add the chili flakes and garlic. if the oil isn’t hot enough you can just put the pan or pot back on the heat but be careful you don’t burn the chili flakes or garlic, as it will make it bitter. the longer it will toast, the less pronounced the raw garlic flavour will be, so when it smells toasted enough for your taste, take it off. i store it in a tiny glass jar and add it in stews, sauces, toasts, pizza, sandwiches etc. the flavour is very strong imo and everything it touches will smell like it. something to drink: i like strong foods and i like sour foods, which is why i like lemon/ginger based drinks. to make it even more winter friendly and easy to make, i like to grate unpeeled ginger(i hate slices of ginger, they do nothing for me and seems like a waste of ginger), lemon zest, lemon juice and mix it or blend it with some water/apple juice and honey and strain it afterwards. if you have a really nice blender you can just add all of it together with some ice. i’m basically making a large amount of ginger shot mixture. then when i feel like it, i can take some of the mixture and either drink it as it is, add more apple juice if i need a refreshing beverage or add hot water and more honey for when im cold. you could also add turmeric, chili, use less sweetener and other sorts of healthy stuff but i honestly do it for the taste so i don’t care about that that much.

something sweet: i posted earlier about cakes and someone mentioned swedish kladdkaka, which is a super delicious, cheap, brownie-like chocolate cake that is easily customized and hard to fuck up which is why i’ve made it since i was very young and is a go-to and i didn’t even know it was a swedish thing. if you like airy, light cakes this is not for your. this is sticky, sweet and almost like confection. you can add nuts, swirls of peanutbutter, tahini, actual pieces of chocolate, replace the white sugar with brown sugar, the butter with oil(you can be fancy and use a bit of olive oil) or use a mixture, brown the butter, you name it. the recipe i use is this: melt 100 g butter and let cool. mix 2 eggs + 3 dl sugar in a bowl until fluffy in one bowl. mix 1.5 dl flour, 4 tbs cocoa, 1 pinch of salt in another. mix the dry with the wet mixture and add the cooled, melted butter. this is the point where you’d add chopped nuts, chocolate etc. pour the batter into a cake tin lined with parchment (i use one that is 16 cm in diameters i think). bake the cake for around 30 mins at 150°C - 175°C degrees. check on the cake using a cake tester or a a knife. if the knife is clean after … stabbing it, it’s done! the cake will change it’s texture after cooling. this is a cheap cake, and if you like cake dough you might want to give it less time in the oven for a more fudgey texture. make it your own! there are no rules. last time i made this, i left it in for too long in my opinion but it was still delicious. also i literally have a shit oven with a round oven rack that goes in circles no matter what due to the microwave function, and the only ‘mixing’ equipment i have is a whisk and a spatula. no need for kitchen aids or even electrical hand mixers.

something else i’ve been eating a lot for lunch is simple open faced sandwiches, and something that can really elevate those is: making your own mayonnaise(and toasting the bread). it can be challenging, but it’s really worth it imo and i can’t remember the last time i bought it in a store. i have a small plastic bowl, whisk and 1 egg yolk. something i can really recommend is buying pour snouts for bottles. i transfer my oils from their plastic bottles to smaller, old soda bottles because im cheesy like that and it’s really handy especially when making mayo. constantly whisking the egg yolk by hand and then adding the NEUTRAL oil ever so slowly. don’t be fancy and use cold pressed stuff or extra virgin olive oil because it will taste weird. i only ever fail when i try to use immersion blenders for some weird reason but i find it rewarding to do by hand anyways and i think it might be easier to make smaller portions that way. mayo needs acid and you can get it by adding regular vinegar, apple cider vinegar, balsamic vinegar, lemon juice, lime juice, pickle juice, citric acid dissolved in water etc. it’s really easy to customise! when im making banh mi, i add some sesame oil, soy sauce for saltiness and use lime as the acidic element. for more regular use i add a bit of mustard(also helps with the emulsion), for fries, i like adding some fresh garlic. something as simple as mayo, tomatoes, flaky salt and pepper topped with chives is really nice. i also really like using slices of boiled potatoes or boiled eggs(idk if that’s only a thing where i’m from), mayo and the chili garlic oil. it’s also great for making tuna salad. yesterday i made a really simple sandwich with a very simple tuna salad(tuna, mayo, yoghurt, lemon and pepper), arugula, basil, the garlic/chili oil, cream cheese, pickled jalapeños and onions, green peber, cucumber and tomatoes. you could leave out everything but the tuna salad and it would still be a great little meal.

another nice condiment that beats the supermarket stuff by far is homemade ‘pesto’. when i buy parsley from my local grocery store, it’s a gigantic amount that i in no way can consume in a week. first of all when buying fresh herbs i really recommend washing them, wrapping them in a damp towel and keeping them in a closed container. it will prolong their lifetime from lasting a day to a week(change the towel if it seems too wet). i once had some cilantro in my fridge for several weeks and still be fresh. anyways, when i buy that much parsley, i like to remove the tougher parts of the stem(which i use in stews/sauces! chop it up and sautee it along with garlic and onion), add literally just olive oil, water, pepper, garlic, and a bit of acid and then blend away! it keeps for a long time in the fridge and is also delicious beneath tomatoes/potatoes/cheese on open-faced sandwiches. if you want to be fancy you can of course add some type of hard cheese, nuts, seeds, dried tomatoes, whatever.

i know this is the longest text post ever, but as a last reminder, i really recommend watching pasta grannies on youtube. really simple recipes with focus on few, good ingredients that just takes some time and love.

#sorry about the spelling mistakes and everything #it's not my first language but it probably wouldn't be much better if it were #food

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earthlyemily · 3 years

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I’m struggling so much financially and honestly just wanted to vent somewhere. I’ve always lived in poverty and I think in my whole life I’ve had maybe 2 years where I didn’t have to stress about money and not be able to buy groceries or pay rent or be put into collections for not being able to make payments etc and that was when I was in college. For at least the past 5 years I’ve been struggling but I never talk about it. I don’t even know where to start haha I don’t even know what it’s like to not stress financially and be in debt. I’ll just start with the first things that come to mind with what I’m owing maybe. So it’s Dec. 23 and rent was due yesterday because we moved into this small suite attached to someone’s house on Nov. 22. It’s $1200 which is so expensive, but also the average price for BC if not even cheaper for a one-bedroom with a yard, utilities included. and no first and last, no pet deposits, etc because this is just short them for 4 months until the end of March because i reached out and asked and they said yes.

After 1 month I already remember why we went into the trailer almost 2 years ago and it’s literally because we can’t afford any other lifestyle. I think that’s the difference between us and some people that live in trailers, vans, etc. like we lived in a mouse & mouse shit infested trailer for 6 months breathing in their feces and urine and having it all over all our belongings. i literally had to take my whole life to the dump and we officially have no food storage because they ruined it all. there were at least 50-60 mice because a few birth cycles happened in the ceiling. I could write a whole post about my experience of living with field mice, but now isn’t the time so for rent, i only had $600 yesterday so that’s what I gave them. thank goodness they were okay with me asking for a few more days to make the other half. but I don’t even know when that’s going to be :(

my etsy shop veganveins has been doing so bad lately for more than one reason, most of my orders are just postcards and stickers, and while I’m grateful for them, that $1-3 profit isn’t going to keep my business going. and it’s so hard for me to work lately. the wifi doesn’t work sometimes for hours and I always get distracted by shawn and the dogs working from home in a small space. I need to get better at my time management. I got up at 8:30 today which is actually early for me so I’m proud of myself. I’m chronically ill and I really need to go get a blood test and see what’s happening because I haven’t gotten one since being diagnosed with graves disease again 1.5 years ago. anyways. i switched to a print on demand method this year for veganveins for some shirts and sweaters because i couldn’t afford to keep ordering shirts in bulk, and it’s honestly been so, so expensive and i barely make any profit. I’m currently owing my t-shirt printer $999 on one invoice (it was originally $2196 so I’ve at least paid half of it) but that was 2 weeks ago and I still need to pay it. Mario, my t-shirt printer has been with me since I started veganveins and I’m so grateful he gives me extensions on paying the invoices. every other t-shirt printer I’ve ever asked has said no. in addition to the $999 there’s going to be another $2200 invoice I’ll be receiving this week for my last order. I think because of the holidays he’s going to give me some time to pay off that too, but the problem is when I have outstanding invoices he doesn’t print new orders for me. He’s closed now until Jan. 4 so I just need to somehow make that much before then.

btw I don’t have a credit card ($8500 all used on veganveins and it got put into collections last march) and I had a fully used $5000 line of credit but I got a debt consolidation loan for $16,000 1 month ago and my payment for that is $167 a month. it fully paid off and closed my credit card and line of credit + $3000 overdraft which is nice. but now I don’t have any extra money except for what comes in. my credit is only 640 which is really bad in canada so I won’t get approved for a new credit card or loan until I build that up, which is going to be a few months of regular payments. so for regular payments, the $167 for the loan is due on Dec. 27. Yesterday the trailer loan which is literally unliveable from what the mice did until we renovate it came out for $260, that’s how much I pay once a month for it on the 22nd. I didn’t have $260 in my account so it got rejected and I got charged a $48 NSF fee. omg if anyone is reading this long i’m shook. i’m genuinely just writing this for myself to process my feelings and in case anyone was curious about my financial situation here you go haha. maybe some of you can relate, maybe some can’t. anyways. so now I somehow have to get $260 in my account for that for when they try to take it out again in the next few days.

another payment that was supposed to come out yesterday but hasn’t, but I’m sure will come out today is our truck loan. they deferred it for 8 months because of covid which was so nice, but we started paying it again 2 months ago. for both those months I called and made my payment a later date and that helped, but there’s barely any service here so when I called 4 times yesterday to try and change the date the payment comes out, I was on hold for 20-30 mins then my phone would disconnect and hang up. so that’s $586 and it will come out today, I have $0.46 in my account right now so it will get rejected and I’ll get charged another $48 NSF fee. this is why being poor always costs more and the banks are always harsher on those who don’t have money. today I’ll try calling again to see if I can ask for it to come out on a different day like january 10 instead, so I can first have time to pay rent and the trailer and also our $190 truck insurance which got rejected from my account 3 days ago, which was another $48 NSF fee. oh and something else i’m so stressed about is CIBC is going to put me into collections on December 28 if I don’t pay $1000, $700 of which is purely their fees. I have a $300 overdraft which they said i have to cover by then and the $700 is literally their $48 fees added up over the past 3 months. I got a text from them today saying my account is over and it’s because an amnesty international $11 monthly donation came out and obvi there’s no money in there, so that’s another $48 they charged. they’ve already given me a month to pay it and don’t want to wait any longer :(

I owe everyone in my family money, my sister $1650, my mom $700 and my brother also lent me $700. none of my siblings have money either and my mom definitely doesn’t so I hate that i had to borrow that much, and it’s literally been months. thankfully they’re so patient but i can’t wait to not owe them that

omg and i can’t even think about the amount of money shawn’s grandma has lent us. she’s genuinely the only reason we haven’t been completely homeless. but it’s a lot. like i don’t even want to say the number on here. she let us use it from her line of credit over the years and we’ve been slowly paying her back, but she lets us go months at a time without making a payment which i honestly hate doing, but have no choice. i’ve felt a lot of shame and guilt about this, but I also know that she genuinely would rather help us than see us suffer.

so i’m gonna talk about a big reason I’m broke this month especially - saving a pig named buster. his rescue cost me $1850 out of pocket that I didn’t have. but otherwise he was going to be killed in 2 days, he was my baby and I loved him so I had to do it. I somehow made $1350 that went towards it but I’m still owing $500, which I just asked for an extension for today until the new year. i’m not really supposed to talk about it but everything I’ve ever posted here has stayed here, so that cost was literally just from me buying the pig off the farmer. myself along with everyone else ive talked to is disgusted that he charged that much, but he wasnt budging and if that’s what it was going to take, of course I’m going to do it. I wouldn’t think twice about doing it for my dogs and Buster was smarter and more affectionate than them. i love him and I’m so happy he was saved. a non-profit organization transported him to a sanctuary and it was my biggest wish come true and the happiest moment I’ve had all year. my eyes are literally tearing up haha i love him so much. i could write a whole post about his neglect but basically he hasn’t had fresh water in weeks, he was only being fed handfuls of mixed nuts, he was constantly dirty in a muddy enclosure with an electric fence that he was always getting shocked on. he never got true love or affection except for when I gave him it. i posted an instagram story about him and asked people to message me and that i needed help, 2 people donated $111 and $120 each, and 2 other people donated $15 and $12. Someone also e-transferred me $20. These 4 donations equaled almost $300 ($277) and I was so grateful for those people wanting to help me help buster. if anyone else wants to help me with the cost of his rescue i still do need help and would appreciate it so much. this feels really weird and vulnerable for me to do and i’m sorry if anyone is annoyed by this post, I just genuinely am struggling and figured if someone does have extra and wants to help, there isn’t harm in that. but i do feel guilty for asking because i know there are so many other people struggling out there that need even more help than i do :(

i haven’t talked about it publically but i guess I will now, this farmer that I bought buster off of is the owner of the organic vegetable farm i was living and working at this past spring and summer. we worked really hard all summer to be able to stay there and park for free in the winter, but this past fall he told us no one was allowed to stay at the farm anymore, including us, so we had to find a new place to bring our 14ft trailer in to live. so that was an unexpected bummer and if we had known we wouldn’t be allowed staying there anymore (despite doing the labour of $1200 a month for free harvesting organic kale, for an off-grid spot he told us was worth $350 a month to park) we wouldn’t have driven 8 hours with the trailer and we would have stayed in the snow in northern BC and sucked it up and lived on the land we got the opportunity to rent this fall. Donna, the woman who is renting the land to us has been the biggest blessing in my life this year. I love her so much. Basically, she’s letting us live on 170 acres for $600 a month. letting us do whatever we want on the land (building a cabin, setting up rainwater catchment systems, having a solar passive greenhouse and a huge garden) LIKE WHAT. we could even open a farm sanctuary if we had money, i wanted to so bad but obviously that dream didn’t even come close to being reality. opportunities like this literally don’t exist in canada, especially not in BC. i cant even process my gratitude, i cry everytime i think about it. when we go back in the spring it’s going to be the beginning of the rest of our life :) i want to rescue so many senior dogs. everything we’ve always wanted to do we’ll be able to do, assuming we have money haha. but i want to have an organic farm and grow veggies to donate to families in need, especially since we live on stolen indiginious land and I see how the goverment actively restricts their access to fresh healthy produce. but anyways by then it was too dangerous to drive 8 hours back hauling a trailer in the snow and it was just easier to stay in the okanagan until the spring. i know the farmer probably doesn’t realize this and he’s also probably struggling financially but not being able to stay at the farm for the winter months we worked for, and buying buster for that price is a big reason I’m in the financial stress I am now so I figured i’d talk about it.

anyways. i think this is long enough and i think anyone reading this gets the point, i’m drowning in debt, my small business is almost costing me more to run and i’m not making nearly enough profit to live, the past few months ive been living off grid (not by choice) and just focused literally on surviving and not freezing and getting water etc and not having service or internet has affected me negatively. there’s internet now in the suite I’m in, it works really good in the morning and not as well at night, like for example tumblr doesn’t work past 5 pm for me to post photos. but ive been in a bad sleep schedule since i got here that i need to change. im sick and i need to heal myself. tomorrow i’ll set my alarm for 7:30. hopefully i make some money today. i got a social media managing job and it will end up being $1000 a month once i do the 3+ hours a day of work which im already feeling like i barely have time for my own basic life tasks. but i can do this.

if anyone reading this wants to help me out a bit, my paypal email is [email protected] or http://www.paypal.com/paypalme/veganveins

and my e-transfer email is [email protected] i have auto deposit so you won’t have to ask a question :)

this is my first time in 7 years i’ve made a post like this or asked for help. i won’t do it again but figured i have nothing to lose. if you read up to here i love you a lot and thank you so much for being here <3

#personal #finances #broke #poor #vegan #small business owner #graves disease #saving animals #off grid #I wonder if anyone will even read this all #debt #life update lol #p

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lesbian-diana-cavendish · 3 years

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Honest question: what's actually enjoyable about cyberpunk that made you decide to play it? I decided I didn't want to look up the plot or gameplay given the immense amount of transphobia, racism, sexism, ableism, abusive crunch, game breaking bugs, and the purposely seizure inducing sequence. What is so spectacular about it that it can outweigh all that harm for you?

The various -isms were grossly misproportioned by people who hadn't played the game, the scene about the seizure was also, ridiculous, it is a single slow fade in light, there was no series of flashing lights "intentional" is an assinine word to describe it, a better wording would be "stupid oversight" I'm guessing the ableism is in reference to the fact that the game is just so shitily optimized that you can't fuck with key bindings for people who need a different set up, which they need to fix and as far as I know, are working on fixing. Can't/won't excuse crunch, but Have you played a triple game in the last like 5 years? Congrats you've probably played a game built in horrible crunch practices.

As for bugs, the way they released it on console is inexcusable but last I checked you literally can't buy it on ps4 bc sony took it down (literally this has never happened to a big game like this) and they're currently getting sued out of their assholes over it so like, it's not like they're getting away scott free

That being said why I got it: I've always loved neon dystopian settings and the open world and aesthetic grab my attention well before I knew anything else about the game, and as it was rolling around even with the mess its release was (or maybe bc if the mess bc I found it infinitely amusing and kinda wanted to see the mess first hand lol) and I was instantly drawn into the characters even on the surface lvl of what Tumblr was posting, and after having played 80 hours I can confirm the characters are such a powerful and well written part of it that multiple of them probably have the makings to land spots in my "favorite game character ever" list, I got the game bc I was interested, I had a laptop that could run it well (and it has, I have only had one crash 70 hours in, very minimal bugs and can play on ultra) and I got a steam gift card for Christmas and didn't have any other pc games on my wishlist to play so I said yolo and don't have any regrets ngl

Edit: the brain dance intro was worse in the beginning but was quickly patched out (I'm guessing in the 1.5 hot patch) so yeah fuck that they were idiots lmao but still not intentional

#like the game is far from perfect but it isnt the demon Tumblr made it out to be #you dont have to play it #you can even just black list my tag idc lol #you cant cancel me for enjoying a game i already blog about greedfall on here after all #and i think tumblr hates that one even more #long post #cyberpunk 2077

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astra-musings · 4 years

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catch a break, part 1

requested? yes! by @faithiebrock01 (thanks for being my first post-hiatus request, sorry for the long wait!) check out her wattpad, @/niallforever15

this fic includes: owen grady x reader, fluff, I would say a little bit of ooc? hopefully not too much. a failed attempt to follow JW’s storyline

warnings: none really, other than dinos eating mice

summary: you train and take care of the raptors on Isla Nublar alongside your husband, Owen. you found out you were pregnant very recently, and have a little trouble letting him know. typical Jurassic World chaos ensues, making it even harder.

word count: 1.3k+

a/n: i’m back! i think? got an extremely long break after my mock exams cause of coronavirus (stay safe out there) and i have t i m e on my hands :) be nice please, this is my first fic in two years,, enjoy! spare me a reblog/like if you liked this, follow me too!

part 1.5 // part 2

masterlist

Watching your husband work was, debatably, your favourite pastime. The way his (ahem, your) raptors seemed to respond to his every command made it seem as though they were a band of puppies-in-training, rather than bio-engineered animals from 65 million years ago that could definitely rip you to shreds in a heartbeat.

Your hand subconsciously moves to cradle your lower stomach as Delta catches the rat Owen throws down to her. You’d found out you were pregnant a little over two weeks ago. You were thankful you weren’t showing as of now; you didn’t know how to tell Owen just yet.

Dusting his hands off on his already muddy trousers (thank god he wore the brown pair today), he looks over in your direction, eyes searching briefly before landing on your serene form. A soft smile stretches across both of your faces as you move towards one another.

Gentle greetings are whispered into your hair as he pulls you in for a too-short hug. "How long were you standin' there for? Should've waited in the shade, love." His hand moves up to your forehead, blocking the noon's blinding sunlight from your eyes.

You swat his hand away in feigned irritation, "Only for an hour or two; not like that's ages in this heat or anything..." You pout slightly and tilt your head up towards him in a silent plea for a kiss.

Owen dips his head down to meet you halfway, pecking your lips in an attempt to kiss your pout away. "Don't pout, love. You know my heart can't handle it."

"Maybe I should pout every hour of every day if it gets me kisses from you," you say defiantly, before standing on your tiptoes to pull him in again.

Owen laughs, the hearty kind that makes your heart swell, “You’d get kisses from me regardless. You do!”

You’re interrupted by the clank of a pair of boots on the metal of the catwalk. Barry marches towards you, frown dragging on his face, "Hate to be that guy, but Hoskins wants to talk. Again."

–

"For the last time, Hoskins, they're not weapons! They're living, breathing, walking animals. They're in my care, and no way in hell am I letting you touch them!" Owen's face is scrunched up in anger and frustration as his conversation-turned-argument grows more heated. The light grey material of his athletic shirt gradually darkens as his sweat collects from his training with the raptors along with the undoubtable irritation he felt. You opt to retreat to the shade of the cage – despite wanting to calm Owen down, you knew he was much too passionate about the wellbeing of the raptors to be talked down at this point. Plus, it was Hoskins; the man annoyed you with his mere presence within a five mile radius. It wouldn’t hurt for him to get a lecture from the man you loved.

Leaning against the bars of the opening to the enclosure, you find a brief moment of solace from the cool material of the metal. You knew you were safe from any too-close experiences with the raptors as they had retreated to the shelter of the trees as soon as their session with Owen ended. You close your eyes, attempting to focus on the sounds of nature around you rather than the still ongoing argument a few feet away. Your trance is broken when the crunch of dry leaves sounds from behind you. A swift turn towards the direction of the noise alerts you of Blue's presence. Your lips involuntarily pull into a smile; ever since you'd gotten suspicious of a potential and literal human growing in your belly, Blue had grown more affectionate with you. Her eyes lingered a little longer on you when Owen called for her attention with his clicker, and she would always gravitate towards your spot on the catwalk mid-training. A low purr echoes from her throat as she attempts to squeeze her snout in between the much too narrow bars of the enclosure. Breathing out a laugh, you slowly move your hand towards her, just out of reach enough that she wouldn't be able to actually hurt you. Blue's jaws open in a low purr once again, razor-sharp teeth on display. You could probably see remnants of her last meal in there if you looked hard enough. The tip of her snout just manages to meet your fingertips, and you couldn't help but coo at the slight nuzzling movement she makes towards them. "Cutie... think you're some big, tough dino, huh?" You mumble under your breath, entertaining her for the briefest of moments before retracting your hand.

"Whatcha doin' there, sweetie? I walk away for a second and you get too close to Blue again," Owen's voice draws from behind you, prompting you to turn towards him, "I know you think they're cute, and I find that cute, but they can still rip your arm off in a literal millisecond."

"Oh, hush. I'm just missing her, is all. Haven’t seen her in a while. And, actually, you were away for about," you feign a look down at your empty wrist, "100 hours?" You smile, moving to circle your arms around his waist, drawing him close. You tried to subtly move the both of you away from the cage to draw Owen's attention away from your interaction with Blue, who was still following your actions like a wide-eyed child. Owen glanced behind you for a second before his eyes fell on you again. He had definitely noticed a change in your interactions with the beta in the last few weeks; despite you being co-alphas with Owen (admittedly not an official term), Blue still paid more attention to Owen than she did you. Lately, it seemed, your mighty alpha-of-a-raptor-pack husband was reduced mere background noise whenever you were around. He noticed the way Blue would look at you whenever you moved from one place to another, as if she was making sure you got to your destination safely, even if it was just a few steps away.

He pushes the thoughts to the back of his mind, not wanting to overthink. Just as his mind jumped to thinking about lunch, a white SUV pulls up to the small clearing outside the enclosure. Curious and a little cautious after Hoskins's visit, both you and Owen step towards the vehicle, only to break out in smiles when you see your good friend, Claire, step out of it.

"Claire!" You jogged up to her, giving her a short hug. "What brings you to this area? I thought you were working in those big, shiny offices now."

She smiles at your faux insult, "Hey, Y/N. And so what if I do? Can't visit my two closest friends?"

"More like your two only friends." Owen jokes, bringing her into a hug as well. Claire narrows her eyes into a mock-glare.

“I do love to be insulted by the two of you – constantly.” She smiles warmly before straightening herself up again – business mode. “I need you both to come with me. Mr. Masrani needs the enclosure for the new asset- the Indominus," she corrects herself as soon as she notices Owen raise a brow at her diction, "inspected. Come with me?" She gestures towards her car.

"Owen and I can make our own way over, actually. Give us a few minutes to wrap things up here and we'll follow you, yeah?" You say, partly because you want to spend more alone time with your husband, and partly because you really didn't want to get caught in the middle of any unresolved tension between him and Claire.

"Yeah, of course. I'll wait here." Claire leans against her car, already pulling out her phone. Conference call, probably.

"Ready to see the Indominus, my love?" You glance over to Owen, who is currently muttering under his breath about not being able to 'catch a break on this goddamned island', which prompts a laugh from you.

"What kinda stupid name is 'Indominus', anyway?"

#owen grady x reader #owen grady imagines #owen grady imagine #owen grady #jurassic world #jurassic world imagine #chris pratt #chris pratt imagine #chris pratt x reader #owen grady reader insert #faithiebrock01 #astra-musings

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ultrahamilham · 4 years

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You tagged me in a thing and I had a stroke, bless you

I get all Pikachu meme whenever I see you in my dash and you've referred to me and acknowledged my existence because it is literally the best thing ever, I have a mini stroke every time

Three ships: Jamilton, Jamilams and Jamilmads (would've said lams but then it just sounds like I'm saying the same ship in three different ways lol)

Last song: Uhh, I don't listen to music much, but Ultimately by Khai dreams

Last movie: The Hunchback of Notre dame

Currently craving: Sushi, oddly enough (I haven't had it in about nine years but still, want)

Currently reading: The Da Vinci code, and about five different fanfictions

About a very late answer to your question (My family has COVID, which is shocking to hear, or so I'm told, but they're recovering and they fortunately had a mild case and no one has any history of disease so they're going to be okay! That's what the doctor said and I'm praying), Taco hell made me laugh really hard when I read it and really lifted my spirits because I remember being in not a great place when I started it but it made me smile which was like, a thing for me, and don't judge me but I think The three way was probably my favourite and I don't want to think about what that says about me but it was really because I love works that are that long (around 50k is always my sweet spot). I'm not sure if I'm remembering right and I'm so so sorry if I'm getting the title song wrong but that one Jamilton fic with uh, Gucci and fendi in the title was really fun to read ;-;

I also remeber the first work of yours I ever read was this comfort Whamilton around 1.5 or 2k where it starts raining and Alexander is on edge but George comforts him- Okay, I'm ranting now, apologies. ;-; (idk You're super cool and I want to talk to you like, normally, but you'll hateee me and I don't want that and so here)

I never really get a chance to respond as soon as I'd like, BUT I never get to and if you don't want to know/care about my life- please skip to the next paragraph thank you. So, I did end up watching Snowpiercer! I watched all ten episodes in one day which is iffy to say the least, but I'm still alive! I did love it. And I've been alright- a bit anxious with everything, but I've been giving my tests and uni and stuff. Yesterday, I was about to go to the vet when u realised about two minutes into the ride that I forgot my dog so that was embarrassing. Almost competing with the time I dropped my phone and then followed it, dropping to my knees and immediately bursting into tears (Nothing even happened to my phone!). So if you read this, thank you again.

I wanted to ask how you were doing too! If you don't mind xxx

And as for the fanfic writer asks, would you mind answering 50 ;-;

Wgjfvqkcwkh also I heard about you and Henni getting married so CONGRATULATIONS that is the most amazing, sweetest thing and in honestly so f*cking happy for both of you. I audibly awwed when I saw that post and I can't believe I just remembered.

I'm so sorry this got out of hand with how long it is, I didn't mean for it to be ;-;

-shy anon, sincerely apologising for possibly ruining your day by oversharing and/or overstepping (also with love and congratulations for you and her)

I get the surprised pikachu face whenever you show up in my ask box ;-; It always makes me happy!!!

Okay but sushi is always good. The craving comes randomly for me as well. I didn’t crave it at all when I used to make it for a living, because I got so tired of it, but now I crave it every once in a while lol it’s really good ;-;

I really hope everyone is doing okay! COVID is scary and it’s no joke. Having it before was horrible for me and I would never wish it on anyone. I hope everyone including you is okay ;-;

I’m glad Taco Hell did what I was meaning for it to do! It’s meant to be lighthearted and make people laugh. It’s based off of my life and it’s actual situations I end up in all the time. It’s quite amusing lol

I would never judge you. The Three Way is literally the one fic I am most proud of. I could never judge you. I literally go back and read it every once in a while and go like “I made that... Holy fuck...”

Oh! Gucci Not Fendi is the title. I’m glad you liked it!!!

Rant all you want! I adore that Whamilton fic ;-;

Seriously, my dear, I can promise you that I won’t hate you at all. Believe me, I really won’t. I’m probably the most awkward and annoying person anyone will ever know and I overshare like everything. People know more about me than they really should.. Lol

I care about your life, I was the one that asked you to tell me! But honestly, snowpiercer was soooo good... Like I tried to binge it all in one day but I was trying to write as well and it didn’t go over well lmao, snowpiercer ended up winning! I’m really glad you watched it!!!

That whole forgetting your dog thing is a mood. Today I forgot to turn on the food heaters and I realized it right before it was too late. Almost lost $200 worth of meat... Oops... Lmao

I do that with my phone if I drop it even if it’s okay. I just freak the fuck out and cry before I know if there really is an issue

Also I’m doing good! I decided to just lay back and relax tonight so I’m having a few drinks and I’m gonna watch random shit lol I was up for 33 hours the night before last and slept for 15 hours after. I can’t recommend doing that, especially not when you’re like 24. I’m too old for that shit.

Hell yeah I can do 50! I will give you a sneak peak at the 3rd part of the three way... .-. It will be posted on Oct 19th!!!

Here it is. This is seriously NSFW lol:

Alexander looked down at Thomas and ran the fingers of his free hand through Thomas' hair. He licked his lips as he watched Thomas work his tongue expertly inside George. "You're such a good boy Thomas, you're already wrecking him." He purred.

Thomas let out a low moan and kept up the work, getting a little more aggressive. Alexander could feel himself getting hard in his pants at the sight coupled with George's shameless moans. Alexander looked back at George's face and grinned a bit. "Are you proud of us, Daddy?" He asked.

George pressed his forehead against the headrest and panted as Thomas wrecked him. He tried to push back against Thomas to no avail. "Fuck… Y-yes… Yes you two did so good… Please… Please do as you wish… Whatever you choose, do it… I will take whatever you give me, you de-deserve it…" George bit out desperately.

Alexander grinned in delight at that. He looked at Thomas who looked just as excited from what George just said. He then touched Thomas' shoulder. "Alright, that's enough babe. I'm going to stretch him, then we can give him a good spanking. Why don't you undress for me? I have a little treat for you." He purred. -END of the preview.

Thank you so much! We are so freaking happy that it’s happening. We were planning it more today! It’s so amazing ugh.

I appreciate it all the same! It’s not too long for me at all!! Don’t you worry my dear <3 you didn’t overstep at all!

#shy anon #sweet bean

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yumeka36 · 5 years

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Well, I know I said a while back when more Frozen 2 leaks came out that I was gonna avoid making anymore posts expressing my thoughts until I actually see the movie myself...but alas, what I’d consider the jackpot of leaks came out yesterday causing me to develop more thoughts I feel are better expressed now than later. As usual, skip this post if you don’t want to be supremely spoiled...

After the initial leaks from the not-yet-released mythology book a few weeks ago, which confirmed the movie will end with Anna as queen of Arendelle and Elsa as the Snow Queen/fifth spirit, the real question we’ve had since then is: will they continue to live together or separately? Many official sources such as storybooks and interviews with the creators hinted at separation, and after nearly two weeks of letting the realization that this movie won’t end in the way I would have liked practically eat me alive, I decided it was best to just remain positive, as the events of the story’s third act are still mostly a mystery.

Before I continue, I just want to point out that I understand both sides of the fandom right now: the side that feels hurt and betrayed by this kind of ending, and the side that’s more accepting and doesn’t want to jump to conclusions without seeing it firsthand. It’s been tough for me being in the middle - at times I totally get the backlash. We fell in love with the story of the first movie and shorts about two sisters reconnecting and now the sequel ends with them finding happiness elsewhere. But at the same time, I know that living separately doesn’t diminish familial bonds and it’s a normal thing that happens. I know it’s easy to dismiss it as a trend since a lot of other recent family movie sequels had similar endings, but I want to judge it in its own right. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not happy we’re getting a separation ending, but I also know I’ll love 95% of this movie, so I can’t bring myself to throw in the towel at the last 5% without seeing every detail for myself, every word of dialogue, every scene, every nuance in character expressions and actions. I’d feel much more okay with this ending if this was Frozen 3 we’re talking about and we had another Frozen 2 that focused on Anna and Elsa reconnecting as sisters. To go from the end of the first Frozen with them finally getting to know each other after 13 years apart, straight to a sequel that ends with them separating is a leap that really needed more padding. The shorts fill the gap somewhat, but not enough in my opinion. We should have had a Frozen 2 story about Elsa trying to get over her guilt about shutting Anna out all those years, and once that’s resolved, it ends with a return to the status quo that sets the stage for the story we actually have in Frozen 2 (which should be Frozen 3!) I really feel we needed one more “smaller” story like this to pad things out after the first Frozen before the major changes that happens in Frozen 2 (can we get a Frozen 1.5 anyone?) But as I’ll describe further in this post, I’m not convinced that the last 5% of Frozen 2 will be so bad that it will override everything else about the movie, or Frozen in general.

I should also mention that I’ve always been neutral to Kristoff and his relationship with Anna. I find Anna and Elsa’s relationship way more appealing and interesting, but I’ve also always believed Anna has plenty of room in her big heart for sisterly love for Elsa and romantic love for Kristoff. Since they skipped any talk of marriage in the first Frozen, it was no surprise at all that it would be brought up in the sequel. Since they intend Frozen 2 to be the last installment (for now) they couldn’t leave a loose end like Kristoff and Anna’s engagement. I could take it or leave it, but as long as Anna and Elsa’s relationship is portrayed as the strongest bond (which it seems to be) I don’t mind giving Anna romantic love too (and maybe Elsa one day?)

But anyway, yes, a month before its official release, several page scans from the The Art of Frozen 2 have leaked, which pretty much confirm the ending alluded to in the mythology book and many others. And honestly, after taking some time to let all the information sink in, I’m not as upset as I thought I would be. At first I thought I was just numb by now, having already been sick about it for nearly two weeks after the mythology book leaked. But more likely, I think I’ve just made myself form a different perspective. In all the fandoms I partake in, I always try to make myself open to different interpretations of the characters and story even if they don’t fully agree with my own. I understand that there’s a risk involved with falling too deeply in love with someone else’s creation - that they may not interpret the characters and story the same way you do and it becomes difficult to distinguish your own headcanon perspective vs actual canon. What I think has happened with the Frozen fandom is an unfortunate case where lack of canon material has caused me (and no doubt others) to indulge so much in my own headcanons that I started to see it as “fact” when it really is just my interpretation and “filling in the blanks” so to speak.

To illustrate, Anna and Elsa spend very little time together in the first movie, which is what makes their rekindled love for each other at the end so impacting. But if you think about it, the ice skating together in the original Frozen’s epilogue plus a few more scenes in the two short films, only equates to about a half hour’s worth of content showing them interacting as sisters. When you have such an appealing character relationship but such a small amount of canon content with which to interpret it over a span of six years, it’s only natural that my own headcanons took over until I started seeing them as the only interpretation. Especially for Elsa, who has a lot less screentime in the first movie than Anna, so honestly we really don’t know her that well. Have I really seen enough of her in the first movie plus two shorts to say with certainty that she could never be happy without Anna always being by her side? Is the filmmakers’ view of her as a “protector” and “mythical character” who feels at home in the enchanted lands less valid than my own interpretation of her? Again, when I try to describe Elsa I realize that much of it is based on my own headcanons, which are perfectly valid, but I shouldn’t be surprised if it turns out the filmmakers have a different vision for her. Just because I personally love all the sisterly moments between Anna and Elsa and so always want that to exist in the Frozen universe so I can keep indulging in it, mean that any other direction for the story is bad? Of course anyone can infer basic things about Anna and Elsa without any headcanons, such as the fact that they love each other and enjoy being together, but when I ask myself questions like “What evidence do I really have that they’ll always want to live together?” or “Is Elsa really perfectly content being the queen of Arendelle as opposed to doing something else?” or “Does true love mean always having to physically be close to each other in order to be happy?” I realize that I can’t answer them as confidently as I’d like.

As I asked myself questions like this and read the leaked art book pages a few times over - especially the foreward - I came to the conclusion that the creators did indeed put a lot of love and effort into their choices for Frozen 2, and their thought process for developing the story as described in the foreward makes sense even if it’s not the direction I personally would have gone. As I was reading it, I thought, if another fan like myself wrote it I would think “Hm, that’s an interesting interpretation, not quite how I see it, but valid nonetheless.” But in this case, the one with that interpretation is the creators, so all you can do is accept their view or move away. It’s not like they were way off and focused the sequel on a new character and pushed Anna and Elsa into the background, or even focused a lot on Anna and Kristoff: from everything I’ve read, the focus of Frozen 2 is still the “undying love of two sisters” (as Josh Gad put it), just not in the way I was expecting. Anna and Elsa’s bond has been conveyed as so strong it’s almost omnipotent and ethereal, even more so it seems in the sequel, so the interpretation is twofold: does the fact that it’s this strong mean that they always have to be together in order to be happy, or does it mean that time and space doesn’t matter because it’s so strong? Obviously the filmmakers (and others) interpret it the latter way while many fans interpret it the former. But can we really say one view is wrong and the other is right?

And even with all these leaks, there’s still a lot we don’t know: we still don’t know exactly what happens in Ahtohallan and other events leading up to the epilogue. We don’t know for sure that being the “fifth spirit” means Elsa will become a literal spirit or just get a boost in magical power. We don’t know all the whys and hows of her choosing to become the Snow Queen and giving the role of queen to Anna. These are very important plot points that I feel are best judged by actually seeing it with my own eyes and not drawing conclusions from vague book descriptions and concept art. Until I see it for myself, I can’t say how I’ll feel, so it’s better for my health and well being if I just stay positive. But even knowing all that I do about the ending now, when I look at my Frozen collection and all the imagery of Anna and Elsa holding hands and hugging, I’m asking myself “Does my knowledge of the Frozen 2 ending make me feel less connected to all the ‘snow sisters’ stuff I’ve indulged in for six years?” And to be honest, as of now, it doesn’t, which is a good sign. I do feel sad and jarred that I now have to throw out six year’s worth of headcanons and fan stories I’ve created in my mind...but you know what, I’m willing to start again because I still love Anna and Elsa and I think there will always be great story potential for them. I see the “old” Frozen imagery now as, yes, they had their time living together as sisters (would have liked to see more of it in canon but oh well) and now they have different roles in life, but that doesn’t negate the time they shared and the love they have. Of course, my opinion could change when I actually see Frozen 2, for better or worse, but I’ve already spent so long looking forward to this movie, there’s no point in backing out now and not making the best of it.

As I stated in a past post (from right before the first leaks happened) my Frozen fandom is at a crossroads now and I can’t predict what it will be like a few months from now: I could love Frozen 2 and my fandom will continue on a long time, especially if Disney announces more installments (I still think Frozen 3 or 1.5 is a possibility), or I could find the ending distasteful enough that it makes me lose interest sooner, or regardless of whether I like the sequel or not, I lose interest in Frozen and move onto other fandoms. Or maybe I won’t, and lack of official content from Disney will cause me to take up fanfiction writing or something like that. But whatever happens, I’m going to stay positive because I don’t like being negative. For those of you who are appalled at the ending, I understand and I hope you’ll still see the movie for yourself it’ll change your mind even a little, but please handle it in the way that’s best for you (leave the fandom, indulge in fanfiction, sell your merch). And for others who are being accepting of it, I hope we end up pleasantly surprised.

Okay, I’ve rambled on long enough. This should be the last thought-spilling Frozen 2 post I write until I actually see the movie - I can’t imagine we could get anymore leaks or information at this point that would drastically change my view. In the meantime, I’m just gonna lay low and reserve final judgment until November 22nd (or sooner if I win tickets to the premiere!)

#frozen #frozen 2 #frozen 2 spoilers #frozen2 #disney frozen

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unproduciblesmackdown · 4 years

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here’s the matter of fact text post re: i guess i achieved the goal of an intermittent thing i’d do where i’d try to find anyone online talking about the ‘weird’ experience i have with masturbation which is, inherently, not exciting or anything but it’s like, even if i just Know of course it’s not just me, i want to like, hear someone else talk about anything similar ever, b/c so far it’s just a text post i saw once and can’t ever rediscover and someone talking about their experience that stems from an inapplicable physical trauma so....Yay, seeing as it’s been years i’ve been like “seriously though” lmao

i was like Lol @ myself b/c i was like “man after i try for like 30 sec to crank it it a) doesn’t go anywhere hardly and b) i lose interest Way fast and it’s like mildly annoying” and so i thought about that post that’s like [me after sex: well that was a waste of my goddamn time. anyway back to speedrunning] but that’s me after a halfhearted attempt to masturbate and not really getting anything out of it anyways lmaoo like. it’s okay or i wouldn’t even bother fairly regularly but also it tends to end with like, me going off on a distracted tangent for even a moment and it can just hit an absolute brick wall like okay i don’t even have the Interest in continuing with this anymore like i might’ve had before starting like Well That Was A Waste Of My Goddamn Time Anyway Back To [whatever it is that i do]

and then like either that same night or the next my dreams had the audacity to get deeply uncomfortable for no reason like. all i do is have Anxiety Dream Themes thrown together where like. for example as i write this, two nights ago i had a dream segment about “i’m on vacation at the beach” but it was all Anxiety b/c it’ll all be about how i can hardly visit said beach coz i keep getting sidetracked at the hotel or w/e while i’m Trying to visit it while i still can, and last night i had the same Theme but trying and failing to ride roller coasters (which i Enjoy irl) and like, the beach one in particular recurs not Too infrequently lmao where i’m surprised by the rarity of something like “you’re at the beach and it’s fun” lol.......i don’t have anything i’d call a nightmare too often but Anxiety / a somewhat threatening/worrisome situation is like, fairly constant lol, with some occasionally more neutral stuff and a really rare Fun Dream but anyways it was still Bizarre that my dreams pitched me “you’re Someone who i guess is dating this abstract Partner and the scenario is you feel obligated to have sex with them” and it was weird like, woke up the next day like “why did my brain drag me through this deeply unpleasant dream situation” like. not totally unheard of for my dreams to touch on a Scene ft. sex and/or physical intimacy and even on occasion it’ll be an “i’m (or whoever i am as a maybe semi-abstract First Person camera character lol maybe ft. some particular concept attached to the ‘role’) having some sexual encounter and it’s Fine or enjoyable” but it’s generally fleeting As Per Usual Dream Structure and it’s like why was this one that sucked like, particularly dragged out by those usual dream standard’s, come on

anyways so going “haha i’m living the Waste Of My Goddamn Time thing” and “well thank you to my own brain for a bizarre and unpleasant experience while i’m just trying to be passed tf out” i was like “let’s look up again why not only can i not seem to orgasm but also like even expecting a way lower level of stimulation still Disappoints sometime like why do i bother” and yeah after first going the “does anyone Never manage to Not slam into a brick wall / basically completely lose interest all at once or practically all at once even and it all goes back to zero even if you started at like maybe a 1 or 1.5 and sometimes it happens with going down a random mental track” route i interestingly got some cis guys going “yeah hate when that happens on occasion” but yeah by now i had of course given up on “can i come at this from an [experiencing sensory input and processing from an autistic angle] angle” like. idk still interested in that of course lmao but god is searching for it a bit exhausting. but yeah after i threw in an [-erectile] search modifier i got was like oh a result on a site about asexuality re: masturbation, why didn’t i think of That angle. idk but here we are

informative stuff but the comments section where people who wanted to read an [about: masturbation] on a site About asexuality were talking about their experiences was like. i had mentioned how it was Enlightening that one person said I Do Not Enjoy Orgasms lol like i have not really heard that angle vs “you might not enjoy sexual stimulation” and/or “you might not be able to orgasm” but not you Can orgasm but you Might Not Even Like It Really like. the person said yes they got the Peak Of Intense Pleasure out of the orgasm but not so much any kind of afterglow and felt like they get dropped back to where they were before even trying to masturbate (aka. square zero again lol) and just yeah outright mentioned Not Enjoying it and another person replied like Yep it’s like that for me too.........already i’m like man i don’t even approach anywhere near an orgasm Ever but man would not be surprised if, even if i theoretically was capable of the physical experience, it would be the same as this way lower level Waste Of My Goddamn Time deal lol.......it’s Hilarious too that like. say “being at all in the mood to try to spank it” is a Square/Level 1, i feel like yeah most of the time i’m only getting this shit going to a 1.5, maybe a 2 or 2.5 if we’re on fire......very very very rarely have i been like “hey that was like, a 3 or some shit, damn” and honestly it’s not like oh so that ruled and is motivation to continue b/c like. the Surprise of it throws me off and it’s not necessarily that Great a surprise, more just like, jeez, idk, it feels like A Bit Much that basically registers as Tension where i’m hardly encouraged to keep it up like, makes me wonder if that’s a Sensory Processing Thing aka how sometimes i try to get any more in depth info on the logistics of Experiencing Sexual Stimulation re: also being autistic and the variety of ways that can unfold (i do know that like. the Sensory thing apparently can sure be a factor in either direction, i.e. might cause some ppl to really not enjoy sexual stimulation Or to like, super enjoy it. allistic ppl who might realize “thinking sex is awesome” is “”normal,”” brilliant.....like u didnt also “realize” that stims like fidget cubes and weighted blankets can be enjoyed “”normally”” like. still having a diff experience here and shut it) and i remember one time i was like “c’est la vie i will purchase a vibrator (and i got a second, external one as some deal going on)” and it was just a No Go b/c. it didn’t feel “bad” in that it was not necessarily like, yep here’s some sexual stimulation, but it was like, overwhelming in a Not Good way, yet also not physically painful, and i realize vibrators are made w/ different intensities and i definitely got Mildest ones so it wasn’t that

anyways like yeah #tbt to a time i really gave it a go (vibrator-less) for truly just short of two solid hours......plenty of that was me at Square Zero and getting back to level 1 alone (aka like. feeling Any positive response at all lmao) was kind of an achievement and maybe there was some 1.5 or 2 in there but it wasn’t like i felt that motivated and Just Keeping At It was not necessarily helping so. that was a waste of my goddamn time

can’t really remember what i was doing differently the last time i kicked things up to maybe a solid 2-3 Zone for truly like One Moment lol.....think i was just getting a little more hands on (since usually a spike in intensity makes me go “[?? / !!] whoa :/” and i lose Any momentum and/or “progress”) and that spike in intensity made me go [?? / !!] Whoa :/ and it didn’t matter, just got back to zero as always, and it’s not like these “Achievements” are “Enlightening” where i’m then like wow everyone’s right, really Trying with this shit pays off like lol. i still make a cursory effort but really just to burn off that Level 1-ness if anything like. kinda like “yeah neat here we go” but like. probably literally a minute or two later it’s like well Anyways.......another fun detail is that it’s not Always like “oh i got off on some mental sidetrack and losing focus = losing like All of even this low level of arousal and im back at zero” like, i might be in the middle of things and Lose Interest even while i’m currently experiencing a nonzero level of “yep this is some sexual stimulation” lol but it’s just like smh Whatever @ it......like, on the one hand the Tension of the stimulation gets in its own way, but if i entirely lose that then it’s like well okay this isn’t gonna go anywhere, may as well stop

so anyhow here’s the Particular Comment where i was like “wow this is so similar to #me that i guess i’ve finally found Someone Talking About It* (*however it goes for me)”

i can’t say i’ve done the Holding My Breath thing on Purpose but now sometimes i do notice i do it (and have probably Been doing it) lol like oh there i went and Exhaled in a [was holding my breath] way lol coz like they say there with the Loss Of Any Tension and the Square Zero (Not Even Square One) thing like yeah lmao. and very same with the Five Minutes Max thing b/c yeah it really can be even less than One Minute sometimes before it’s like yeah square zero or just i lose enough interest anyways, getting bored like they say, ugh like it’s a brief description obviously lmao but i’m like god well there it is i guess, the [i know it’s not Just Me experiencing this like this but i’d still fucking like to find anyone else actually talking about it] account For Once Finally, thanks for putting it out there, Disappointed and a lil bored

naturally there are also ppl in the comments talking about how masturbation is an enjoyable thing for them and particular tips there but like it is Hilarious to me how a) some people orgasm easily or like. orgasm if they put effort into masturbation lmaooo like fucking imagine. and b) idk it’s like well i’m sure i’ve made hundreds of attempts and not even any Near Misses, it is simply like, not happening and c) yet at the same time Like This Commenter it’s like “well is there just another way of doing it i somehow haven’t hit on” like naturally i have to wonder like well idk maybe it’d be diff with a sexual partner b/c yknow, the same stimulation from Someone Else vs Yourself, and yet d) ha ha of course i haven’t had sex which people Don’t think of as Not A Joke lmao i referred to this fact abt myself with some casual humor to someone and my temper flared up when that was later taken as a Cue for someone who is not me to jokingly reference it (by Temper Flaring i mean i got annoyed enough to go Do Not Do That e.g. the post that’s like “[asserts one boundary] i’m not a people pleaser anymore i’m actually a huge cunt now”) and i probably shouldn’t feel like i have to “justify” this as well somehow other people have probably tried to Make A Move re: me but i have not been into it like well, what if nobody had ever been Interested that i knew of, that would be fine too, but. i am aware that ppl think of this as a joke still lmao, and i have to say that. im already doing letters like a) b) c) aren’t i but whatever, starting over a) well i haven’t had All the opportunity in the world as i have at various points (but basically continuously) for various reasons been pretty isolated and b) idk i have not had all these signs that point to me wanting to have sex with people exactly lmao but it’s like, c) even if i go “well maybe there’s Exceptions out there or Situations That Will Be Conducively Different Than The Limited Range Of Ones I’ve Had So Far” it’s like, okay, i could still just continue to feel “nah :/” re: any “opportunity” that ever presents itself or whatever. it is all very abstract for me anyways, so it’s like, whatever. but i’m also not the most Glad to discuss it b/c idk a lot of this stuff i know is like A Joke including how i’m still simmering with resentment from a year ago or more over some Tweet i saw trying to dunk a meme about how asexuals are Anti-Psychology like, that’s an entire Other Essay there but needless to say for one thing i just pre-resent people hearing “could being autistic factor into the particular experience i have losing interest / arousal so easily (and inevitably as it’s big time primary anorgasmia around here)” and going “aha that makes sense b/c being ace means there’s something Dysfunctional going on cuz Lbr and bieng autistic means being a Fucked Up version of an allistic person and your autistacity is going to fuck up things about you which ought to function properly” like well that feeds right into itself in a loop and i hate it. and i know the whole “hehe someone who hasn’t had sex is a loser” thing is way engrained in there lmao ppl throw that punchline out all the time and like, idk, see the (i’m autistic) thing like it’s not like this is an unprecedented concept or the only front on which im like “i Know this is a thing ppl negatively judge in general but i also Know i do not buy into that or feel bad about it” like i do not personally consider myself cringe and fail for not having had sex ever and do not consider that Premise that someone is a joke for it to be true re: anyone but at the same time i know that this whole Awareness that people are shitty about it is frustrating to me lol. plus i think it is getting into the Entire Thing where concepts as broad as Maturity and Humanity At Its Most Complex And Worthwhile are considered intrinsically linked to romance and sex, which is something that i am somewhat self-conscious of being aromantic and [having never had sex and it could well be that i will not ever have sex even if The Opportunity(tm) is there] and i know it is frustrating to me b/c sometimes when i start to even talk about “i have not had sex yes im aware this is like (spit take) what a nerd, Sure” b/c i will easily cry out of frustration like 5 seconds in lol. which i cry easily enough but Usually getting teared up b/c i feel Hyped Up / Enthusiasm for something lmfao.......anyways plenty of tangents to go down here but my point is shoutout to the other person for also never orgasming and just being bored with masturbation if anything

and also to the people who were like “i can have / have had orgasms but i don’t actually enjoy it” like considering the way that [not like i experience anything even close to an orgasm but there is sometimes An Increase in arousal achieved, either a tiny raise in the Level or on occasion a bit of a kick which is mostly like “whoa tf chill out”] is overall Underwhelming even if there is Any enjoyment in it and the whole Back To Square Zero (Not Even Square One) thing re: the entire lack of afterglow they mention and it’s like well that kinda feels like parallel experiences here lmao. which tbh is like. makes me care even less with like Humorous Annoyance at the fact that ppl are out here simply able to have orgasms and to have access to that just by like yep here i go masturbating lmaooo like okay

anyways idk how to Conclude this lmfao. Fun Fact i have hc’s about how winston billions who is autistic experiences sexual stimulation (he gets the Really Enjoys It kind of sensory processing time here lol) but i suppose the easiest simplest one to explain is the “remember the Tayston Crying Sex drawing, the idea is that things can be kinda overwhelming while still being Good if it’s handled right by his partner (or himself ig lol) and he can tear up as sort of an overflow thing” like well you probably already knew that was connected to the broader whole of Winston Billions Autistic Hc’s but in case you didn’t: it is

#me and ''Disappointed and a lil bored'' out here #round of applause from me to me....like the time i stumbled across the Source Media for some preview i remembered from a blockbuster vhs #like 20 yrs ago or whatever like ''am i making this sort of Distinctive memory up or modifying one to hell and back / combining them'' like #no i was not but it sure took me a While to mostly coincidentally find it via watching a list on youtube of like. partially Lost or just rly #obscure niche shit....it'd been a preview for a pc game for an ye olde disney series i'd never heard of in my life #anyways the point is it'd been something *i'd* been searching around for intermittently for a good while and managed to find and it was like #hooray but also i realize it's hardly relevant to like. much of anyone else but oh well good for me

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katieblooming · 4 years

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I’m still processing a lot of my pre-op/post-op experience and while I’m so grateful it happened, I also have a lot of feelings about the way I was treated. I had no contact with my surgeon’s office beforehand, I had to call admitting the day before to get info, was given no instructions re: food/drink, and they called my dad with the wrong OR time the morning of.

I warned them I was hard to medicate, ended up needing quite a bit of extra anesthetic during surgery, had to ask for more painkillers twice in less than 30 minutes in the PACU, and they still bounced me less than an hour after I woke up because the day staff needed to go home at 6 pm. I wasn’t on anything that made me loopy, but I was so dehydrated and groggy from the anesthetic that I could barely talk, let alone form coherent sentences. They still let me leave with just tramadol (was I consulted on that decision? no. tramadol didn’t work on me years ago and I knew it wasn’t going to touch surgical pain but my surgeon didn’t talk to me afterwards so I didn’t get a chance to voice my concerns) so I got to do the whole recovery with absolutely zero pain relief. 0/10 would not recommend.

They knew I’d had appendicitis for the last 3.5 months straight once they opened me up, they knew I had a lot more drugs in me than they’d normally give somebody my size, and they knew I was going back to my parents’ place, which is 30+ minutes away from the nearest hospital with a 24 hour emergency department (also a blizzard was coming and my parents live in the boonies so in case of complications I’d have been in trouble), but they still wouldn’t consider admitting me overnight.

My kidneys conveniently started functioning again 6 hours post-op so I spent the next 30-ish hours needing to haul my carcass out of bed to the bathroom every 1.5 - 2 hours, which eventually got down to every 3 - 4 hours by 72 hours after, but it was awful because I could barely move. I went 20+ hours without fluids pre-op thanks to not being told if I could drink liquids in the morning or not, and was peeing so much after that it took me four days to get to a point where I wasn’t constantly thirsty.

My surgeon did a beautiful job, my scarring is super minimal, and I’m so grateful he finally took the damn thing out but like... my kidneys were literally failing, I was jaundiced, my digestive system was incredibly backed up, I lost a scary amount of weight because I couldn’t eat, my resting body temperature dropped to borderline hypothermic levels, I constantly felt confused and exhausted, and I still had to fight tooth and nail to get a CT faster, to get into an OR faster, because my surgeon didn’t think it was my appendix until he got me on the table. Despite me screaming that I could feel my body shutting down, they still thought it was a hernia and not an infection despite years of abnormal lab work indicating that it was, indeed, an an infection.

I was considered much less of a priority than I should have been because an exploratory lap is technically an elective procedure, but my situation was never non-surgical, because, you know, appendicitis. I was right and the vindication is great, but a few more weeks and my kidneys probably would have failed completely or I would have ended up with a bowel obstruction. They let me get to the brink of multiple organ failure because nobody took me that seriously and I’m mad as hell about it.

I’m going to be fine. I am fine. I have my life back and I’m capable of so much. I’m tough and persistent and I’m coming back swinging, but I can’t wrap my head around how the medical profession managed to phenomenally fuck things up at literally every step, and there’s absolutely no excuse for what I had to go through. I just want somebody to take some responsibility for once.

#personal #if I were male this never would have happened but you know what?#we're not even gonna go there

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princessselene126 · 4 years

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Hey yall, emotional abuse, physical pain (not self harm, just illness pain), brief mention of periods, and shitty parents tws coming up.

So i generally try to keep my personal life off here unless I won’t be posting for a while and want to let you know why (like i did with my ear infection.), but I’m having a really bad week and a half and desperately need to vent. Feel free to completely ignore this because I don’t expect anyone to respond, I just need to get everything off my chest--although any suggestions as to what the fuck I should do are more than welcome.

My dad and stepmom have been controlling any emotionally abusive for pretty much my entire life--because you know, abuse doesn’t just start randomly and it’s not something that you can easily fix.

Anyway. When I went home for my ear infection, my stepmom got kinda mad about it. Mad might be the wrong word, controlling is probably better. I didnt tell her or my dad that I was coming home to see the doctor for a few reasons:

I knew if I told them, they’d tell me i should tough it out and go to class

They’d say that i was being over dramatic and that it couldn’t possible hurt that bad

They’d ask why I couldn’t have seen a doctor in Milwaukee (where my college is and 1.5 hours from home), why I needed to come home for something like that.

So I didn’t tell them. While I was home my stepmom texted me asking how I was doing. At the time she didn’t know I had an ear infection or that I was home, so of course like the idiot I am, I was honest and told her I came home sunday night. Seriously I think honesty is my fatal flaw. She, of course, asked why and I told her that “I cant think right now, let alone take a bus somewhere I’ve never been before. I tried to get into the dr at school, but they dont have any openings until wednesday.” I was able to get into my doctor at home on monday, two full days before I would have been able too at school, so it seems logical that id go home right? I couldnt hear out of my right ear anyway, so it’s not like I would have been able to pay attention in class and actually learn anything.

She drops it or that day.

But my stepmom, being my stepmom, of course texts me back a few days later (fthursday or friday i think) because she thinks that I should have tried harder to find a doctor here. She said, and I fucking quote this entire goddamn text

Hey so I just want to clarify with you ... you could have gone to a dr there you know? You guys didn’t have to come all the way home and back. good lord. Just find a clinic thats an urgent care or er. you might have had to pay more out of pocket, but so what? And you have 2 insuraces, so that wouldve helped more too. Just saying. So I thought I’d let you know instead of doing all that craziness back and forth. Make it easier on yourself next time kiddo.

And this has me fucking livid because:

I literally explained to her why I didn’t find someone in Milwaukee days before.

She’s insinuating that it’s too inconvenient for my mom to come get me.

And my stepdad had off on tuesday, so he gladly took me back too school. No questions asked. No complaints. He even bought my antibiotics for me (which I was totally prepared to pay the $10 for myself) before we left.

She’s talking down to me as if I had no idea that I could do this.

I can’t afford to pay more out of pocket right now, even if I might (read: MIGHT) get reimbursed for it later.

Going home literally WAS making it easier on myself.

So I send a screenshot of this text to my mom of course, and she replies almost immediately just going off. My mom and I havent always had the best relationship (she has some emotionally abusive habits too, but she knows about most of them, acknowledges them, and tries her best to fix them), but I know that she will always be there for me. She’s that person who will drive an hour and a half just to come make sure someone is okay, and she has done so 2-3 times in my 2 years at college. She doesn’t care if I’m 45 and living on the other side of the country, she will drive or by a plane ticket to hep me if/when need it. So my mom is beyond pissed off that my stepmom would ever imply that coming to get me, take care of me, is an inconvenience.

I reply a simple “i know” to my stepmom, because I know better than to give her a long winded explanation. She’ll just come back at me with an even longer block of text basically telling me how wrong/stupid i was to not just see a dr in the area.

And of course, of fucking course, she replies with a long block of text anyway basically telling me the same fucking thing. She does this several times and I keep doing the “i know” “yeah” “okay” thing because I just didn’t have the fucking ENERGY you guys.

But then she says

my goodness you’re a peach sometimes. Just trying to help and maybe you guys didn’t think of that.

So by this point in time my patience was completely GONE. I have absolutely none left. I know when my stepmom calls me a peach it’s just her “nice” way of saying “you’re being a fucking bitch.” ((Keep in mind this entire time I was taking screenshots and sending them to my mom so she could be mad with me.)) And so I fucking went off in the nicest way possible. I tell her

no, you’re trying to be in control of the situation that had absolutely nothing to do with you

I was going to just try going to a dr the next morning, but then my mom called and I was crying and she asked if I wanted to come home, so I said yes. It wasn’t an inconvenience to her, though it feels like you’re trying to make it seem that way. And [stepdad] had off so he was easily able to take me back.

I’m not an idiot, im an adult fully capable of doing things myself. But i also recognized that I needed help and accepted it when my mom noticed I did as well

Because yes. I was in so much pain that I was actually crying from it. I usually have a decent pain tolerance (horrific period cramps will do that to a person), but for some reason whenever I say that I’m genuinely in pain my stepmom never seems to think it could be “that bad.” And... that’s exactly how that went. I was soooo prepared to just tough it out and wait until Wednesday if I absolutely had to. But then my mom called and I may be 20 years old but there are those times when you’re an adult and you just need your parent. You need your parent to tell you it’s going to be okay. You need your parent to hold and comfort you. You need your parent to take you to the dr. And for me this was one of those times. I so very rarely ask for help but this time i needed it, and there’s no reason for my stepmom (or anyone) to make me feel like I should be ashamed of that.

So she said something brief to that and I didn’t reply back. Ne next moring she sends me another text starting off with something along the lines of “I’m hurt by how you treated me last night...” and I didn’t read the rest because I knew it would make me mad. I did, however send a screenshot to my mom again.

The next day I call both my mom and my paternal grandma to talk about this entire conversation.

My mom thinks that I should cut off ties with them for at least a few months because this has been overwhelming me so much. I agree with her, but I’m concerned about my younger siblings (not that they’ll get hurt or anything, but that I won’t be able to see them) and also my aunt is getting married in may.

And my grandma was livid too. She’s never liked my stepmom because she’s always thought that she’s treated me like shit. (For a long time i mistakenly believed that my stepmom was a better person than my mom, but I was an impressionable child/teenager then). My grandma and I talked about times when stepmom made me feel bad about myself or treated me as lesser than my half siblings. And my grandma agrees that I should keep my distance, but she asked me to not cut ties, and to keep a decent amount of peace, until after my aunt’s wedding.

Which I understand. I get it. I love my aunt a lot and I truly dont want to cause any problems at her wedding, she deserves the world. But at the same time I don’t know how much longer I can take this you guys. I’m supposed to go to a water park for a night with my dad, stepmom, and siblings during my spring break (it was a christmas present from my dad to the family) and I’m absolutely dreading it. I don’t want to go. My mom says I should just lie and say I have to work, but again, fatal flaw here is honesty, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that. I want to see my siblings too, but I really need to start taking care of myself.

I’ve spent far too long worrying about my family even after not living at home for the last two years. I need to take care of myself. I do. But I honestly don’t know how to do that without causing a family feud in the process.

And the reason this was all triggered again today (after not having talked to anyone on my dad’s side since saturday) is because I got a call from a random number while I was in class today. It was a call from my home city and whoever it was left a voicemail. In the back of my mind I started worrying that it was my dad and that he wanted to talk me into not being upset with my stepmom (he’s a terrible person too but that’s a rant for a different day).

I have yet to listen to it because the idea of talking about this with him makes me nauseous. At the same time, not knowing who called is making me overwhelmingly anxious. I don’t know what would be best:

Ignoring the voicemail, or listening to it and potentially having to talk to my dad?

Toughing out being around my family until after the wedding, or risk causing a family feud by cutting ties?

I just... I’m so lost you guys.

#personal #tasha talks #i could go into so much more detail about how fucking broken i am because of all of the things ive dealt with in my family #but this is the bare minimum needed to understand just what the fuck is going on right now #im not feeling ok #mr stark i dont feel so good #even trying to joke like that is falling flat right now #im in panic mode and i don't know how to stop #this has been keeping me up at night #seriously #i cannot sleep #i feel sick #and so drained #all i want to do is sleep #delete later #probably

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